Just Another Day
The Everfree Forest is home to all manner of strange and dangerous creatures. Few ponies who wander in seldom make it out, and the ones who do rarely do so in one piece. So it was quite odd to see four ponies having a casual game of Go Fish in one of the darkest places in the forest.
“Got any fours?” one of the stallions asked, looking at the mare to his right.
“Go fish,” the mare said with a grin.
As the stallion went to draw a card from the deck, there came a strange crackling noise from behind the group. They jumped up from their seats and readied their weapons. A ball of energy was pulsating in the middle of the clearing, slowly growing larger. In the middle of the ball, a dark outline appeared.
“Ten bits says this one’s an alicorn,” one of the stallions whispered, aiming down his sights.
“Black and red?” the mare of the group asked.
“Are there any other kind?” he asked, rolling his eyes.
The ball of electricity expanded as the creature within started moving around. All at once, the light disappeared, leaving the forest dark and smelling of burnt flora. The creature that had spontaneously appeared stood with its back to the four ponies.
“I did it! I’m in Equestria!” the creature shouted, raising its hands to the sky.
“Human,” one of the stallions grunted in disgust. “Take it down.”
The other squad members nodded and pulled the triggers of their weapons. Several tranquilizer darts embedded into the human’s back and it let out a shrill scream. It took two steps forward before collapsing to the ground.
“My little pony, my little pony…ahh…ahh…ah,” the human mumbled.
The largest stallion of the group kicked the human onto its back so they could look at its face. “Disgusting,” he said, looking over the creature’s features. “This one’s got more hair on its neck than I do.”
“Come on, let’s tag it and bag it,” the mare said, pushing the stallion out of the way. She held a device with a large yellow tag hanging from it and knelt down by the human’s head. She smiled when she saw the human’s ear already had a sizeable hole in it, and she removed the plastic piece that was plugging it up. She clamped down on the device’s handle and when she released it, the yellow tag was left firmly attached the creature’s ear.
“Yo, Shell, you’re gettin’ good at that,” the large stallion said, admiring the mare’s handiwork.
“It helps when you have to do it a hundred times a day,” Shell replied with mock enthusiasm. “Get this one outta here before the next one comes—And Flak! Take off that ridiculous hat!”
Flak, the small stallion of the group had picked up the human’s fedora and was wearing it atop his head. His horn had ripped clean through the stitching and he struggled to shake it off. The large stallion trotted over and removed the hat, putting it into a large plastic bag labeled “Evidence”.
“Thanks, Tank,” Flak said.
Tank, the large brown pegasus stallion, nodded and tossed the bag aside. The fourth member of the group, Recon, rolled the human into a large bag and zipped it up to the human’s neck. Just as he finished getting the bagged human out of the clearing, another ball of energy appeared.
“Oh come on!” Tank shouted, quickly reloading his tranquilizer gun. The light expanded and disappeared, leaving a red and black alicorn lying on the ground. Before it could even stand up, Tank fired a dart into its neck.
“Oh, why’d you do that? I wanted to hear it monologue,” Flak whined. Tank ignored him and jumped atop the unconscious alicorn. With the precision of a surgeon, he used an electric saw to remove the alicorn’s horn.
“You know, when we first started this, I was gonna make a necklace outta these things,” Tank said, examining the red horn. “But now, I think I have enough to make a statue commemorating my work here.” He tossed the horn into the ever growing pile by their bunker. Next to the table was a pile of fedoras, a pile of alicorn horns, and a small pile of ipods.
Shell tagged the alicorn and allowed Recon to roll it away. “About time for a pick up,” Recon said, throwing the bag into the cage they’d been keeping the others in. The tranquilizers had worn off a couple of the captives and they stared through the cage.
“Bro hoof! Bro hoof!” one of the humans shouted, extending a fist toward Recon. Recon obliged the human, bringing his hoof up and pounding it lightly against the human’s fist. The human then laughed a giddy school filly laugh and Recon had to turn away.
“I don’t understand why they all find that so amusing,” Recon said, rejoining his comrades. They sat back at their table to resume their card game when a light appeared from the trees above. The branches had parted and an actual alicorn descended down upon them.
“About time,” Tank said, standing up to greet the alicorn.
Princess Celestia landed in the clearing and smiled to her elite task force. “How goes the battle?” she asked, looking around.
“About as well as it looks,” Shell said, indicating to the almost over-flowing cage. The few conscious beings in the cage began wildly calling to the princess. Shell shot them with her tranquilizer and turned again to Celestia. “Just why does this keep happening?”
Before Celestia could give an answer, a burst of light appeared in the middle of the clearing. A red and black alicorn faced them and called out to Celestia, “My love!”
“My king! You’ve returned!” Celestia shouted joyously.
“Ah crap, not this again,” Flak said, quickly putting on his sunglasses. The other three did the same and Tank flew in front of Celestia. He removed a device from his pocket and it made a high pitched noise accompanied by a blinding flash of light. Celestia’s pupils went wide and she stood completely still and slack jawed. Recon managed to tranquilize the red and black alicorn before it could use any of its mysterious and powerful magic.
“That was a close one,” Recon said, wiping sweat from his brow.
Tank flapped his wings so he could stay eye level with Celestia. He removed his sunglasses and spoke very clearly to her. “You don’t know this alicorn, you’ve never known this alicorn, and you most certainly don’t love this alicorn.”
“Yes. You’re right,” Celestia said, slowly coming out of the haze. She blinked rapidly and looked around. Shell was busy cutting the horn off the red and black alicorn while Flak brought over a clipboard.
“Number sixty-three,” he said, holding the yellow tag in his hoof. “This is his third offense.” The note on clip board also stated he was the seventh Element of Harmony and Celestia’s lover.
Celestia sighed after finally managing to recover from her stupor. “Right, where were we?” she asked, looking around. The cage of humans was growing restless and several had begun dry humping the bars while staring longingly at the glorious alicorn. She looked at them in disgust and her horn began to glow.
A large portal opened up and Celestia put on a pair of her own sunglasses. She then levitated only the humans out of the cage and held up a device like the one Tank had. It hummed then flashed and the humans all stared blankly at the alicorn.
“You never visited Equestria. Bathe more and get some actual sunlight,” Celestia said. She then cast the humans into the portal and closed it behind them. The red and black alicorns, each more red and black than the last, stared at the princess.
“Where are you gonna send them?” Tank asked.
“I’d like just to destroy them, but unfortunately, they’re immortal, invincible, and overwhelmingly attractive,” Celestia replied dreamily. She quickly composed herself before Tank could lower his sunglasses. “I’ll just send them to the moon, because that’s always worked out so well.”
Another portal opened up and the vacuum of space sucked the alicorns in. When the portal closed, Celestia just shook her head.
“They’ll be back,” Tank said, flipping his chair back onto its legs and taking a seat.
“And we’ll be here waiting,” Shell said, sitting back in her seat. Recon and Flak took up their seats and stared at their princess.
She smiled at them before taking off to the skies. The hole in the trees closed behind her, leaving the four ponies with only a single lantern for light. The quiet of the forest returned and they looked around, expecting it to be interrupted at any moment.
“Uh, Shell, I think it’s your turn,” Flak said, picking up his cards. Right as he finished the sentence, the familiar sound of reality being breached filled the forest.
“Here we go again,” Tank said, raising up his tranquilizer gun.