No One's like Blueblood

by Doctor Parker

First published

Join Blueblood and his guy friends on their quests to cure constipation and acquire some tacos!

Blueblood is pathetic in every single sense of the word: 15 years since the Grand Galloping Gala in which he met Rarity and her friends, and he has nothing to show for it. He is 36 and still single, addicted to snack foods and obscure media (though he insists that he's 32). He has a crush on the now-adult-and-attractive Diamond Tiara, but they are getting nowhere fast. But one day, after a serious binge of over-indulging, he discovers that he has super-powers, and also learns on the way that he's not all bad, as he discovers on his misadventures. He gets constipated, hunts for tacos, gets addicted to anime, and shares it all with his unwilling guy friends in his men's club as he goes on a soul-searching trip of maturity and self-discovery.

Based on classic YTPs, both versions of Arthur, and Oscar Wilde plays.

Coverart by Discordant Princess

Meet Blueblood!

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Specially dedicated to a friend of mine who is known as Dustpan and as Kapre.

Once upon a time, Prince Blueblood went to Home Depot to buy a toilet...
...But he suffered from chronic constipation, and thus, he could not use his toilet.
...As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for his shit would remain in his ass for all time...

********************

Prince Blueblood went on one of his usual walks with his friend, Oszukac, a Tarpan prince from Tarpanland. Overhead, they heard the distinctive cries of geese flying south for the winter, and they paused to watch them. Blueblood, though walking with a friend, had put on his iHock to not listen to Oszukac's blathering. Then, in sheer boredom, and channelling his inner fury at his intestinal plight, Blueblood shot a goose from the sky.

"Wow, a direct hit, Blueblood!" Oszukac squealed.

Blueblood removed his earbuds, as he had no problem with praise, but he felt grim, overwhelmed by how the best of his years had gone by, to add to his severe intestinal blockage.

"Not quite, Os," he admitted. "I was aiming for that foal's kite."

"Wow, you're a terrible aim!" Oszukac quickly corrected himself.

Blueblood sighed: "I know."

"Still, you're the whole world!" Os sniveled. "Mainly because you're hot, though there's not a beast alive that can stand a chance against that magic!" Os said with sycophanty. "And no mare for that matter could stand a chance against you and your sexiness!"

Blueblood smiled; it had been 15 years since the disaster at the galla that nearly ruined him, and 15 years is enough time for ponies to forget. That realization was enough to make him forget his anal pain. "It's true, Os. And I've got my sights set on that one!" He yelped towards Filthy Rich's home, which was having a massive barbecue on his front lawn, with stacks of donuts almost as tall as his house!

"Filthy Rich's Dog?" Oszukac asked, recalling prior dallyings of Blueblood.

"No. I ended that affair years ago." Blueblood confessed

Oszukac scanned the yard for other things that Blueblood may find attractive. "Filthy Rich's Hookers?"

"No, I'm straight." Blueblood was most annoyed his best friend did not know that!

"Filthy Rich's hog?"

"No, but getting a lot warmer though."

"Filthy Rich's daughter?"

Diamond Tiara, now at age 26, was now as sensual and graceful as a swan, and every bit as noisy and tempermental.

"Yes! She's the one! And that makes her the best! And don't I deserve donuts?" Blueblood added with a tone of menace.

"Well, of course, I mean you do, but- what if things go as horribly wrong as they usually do?" Os's question had just the answer from Blueblood:

"Well from the moment when I saw Saw, I laughed...." he answered darkly.

******************

For some stange reason, Blueblood decided to make a big entrance by climbing on the roof.

For even stranger reasons still, the crowd was singing, apparently all about Diamond Tiara.

"She really is a funny girl!
She really is a funny girl!
She really is a funny girl!
She really is a funny girl.....

DIAMO-O-O-OND!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Blueblood was determined to gain Diamond Tiara's attention, so he used his magic to levitate himself up and down while yodeling.

This got Diamond Tiara's attention all right.

"You have got to be kidding me..."

Blueblood ignored Diamond's remark, and continued his idiot mode.

"He-l-l-l-l-l-l-ooooo Diamond!"

"Bon joure, Blueblood" She said, going back to her book, which she read on a picnic blanket in a suggestive position. Had Blueblood not been in idiot mode, he would have let her be and just admired her posture and body. But he was playing the game on full imbecile mode, so he snatched the book from Diamond with his magic. He made a grin that wrinkled his face that pretty much said "you've been trolled!"

Diamond sighed: "Blueblood, give me my book back."

"No. Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh, yeh-yeh-yeh, yeh-yeh-yeh, oh-ho-ho-ho-hooo..."

Diamond Tiara hated it when Blueblood began that song.

Blueblood loved it when Diamond got annoyed. Then he examined the book; it was titled 50 shades of Neigh. He didn't know what that meant, what it was about, or anything of the sort, and frankly, he didn't care. He just wanted Diamond's attention.

"How can you read this? There's no pictures!!"

Luckily for her, Diamond Tiara knew the art of trolling better than Blueblood himself: "Well, some people use their imaginations, Blueblood."

A horrifically dirty thought crossed into Blueblood's mind; the shocked look on his face was proof (exactly as Diamond planned). Stammering and shaking from fear, he began "D-Di-Diamond, it's about time you got your head out of those books and started thinking about more important things...like porn."

Filthy's male hookers gave passionate sighs in response to this charming statement.

Blueblood went on; he was hoping to coax Diamond into letting him go to bed with her...

"The whole town's talking...about how...lonely...you are...and you know what mare do when they get lonely?"

Diamond didn't answer.

Blueblood did: "Soon she starts getting ideas...and...thinking..." before Blueblood could finish, Diamond Tiara proved that she knew what Blueblood wanted better than he did: "Your highness, you are positively evil," she said with a smile.

"Why, thank you Diamond!" And at that moment, Blueblood switched his game from idiot mode to absolute idiot mode.

Diamond could see the change on his face, and she liked Blueblood when he was going full idiot mode. She hated basic idiot mode, but when she proved she screwed with Blueblood's strategies, he immediately turned super-idiot, and she liked getting him in such a mode.

She would have liked to stay, now that she was in charge of this conversation, but she heard a small "boom", and with a small sigh, she knew what had to be done: "I have to go inside, and make sure my dad doesn't kill himself."

"Ha!" burst in Os. "That crazy old loon!"

"Don't talk about her father that way!" Blueblood shrieked.

Diamond Tiara appreciated the patronizing, but she also found it to be slightly forced and annoying; with a roll of her eyes, she corrected Blueblood:

"My father is crazy: He's a genie."

And with that, a powerful explostion that shattered all the windows and toppled part of the walls to Filthy Rich's house proved her point.

How it Began, and What is to Come

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"Well, it's a good thing it didn't go as badly as last time" Blueblood chuckled. "I didn't have to saw up any bodies this time."

"Yeah, remember that one time?" inquired Oszukac.

"Haha, yes, Well, it's not my fault they were insulting my favorite Human! Hootershy is my waifu! Ah, MLH...it's how we got to know one another!"

Twelve Years Ago...

Blueblood was depressed. Three years since the events of the gala, and he simply couldn't be happy. He stood on the outside of the gardens, giving half-hearted greetings to ponies he barely recognized.

However, there was somthing that brightened up his day: First he saw a Tarpan. Blueblood knew that Tarpans have the best drugs. But this Tarpan was looking around, as if searching for something.

Plus, he had a jester's hat for a Cutie Mark.

A soul he could recognize and identify with: He would go make conversation: "Hey! Tarpan!"

The Tarpan looked at him blankly and with annoyance. "My name is Oszukac."

Blueblood did not take the hint, so he decided to keep talking: "You know what I really hate?"

"What?" Oszukac asked grumpily "Ponies that are different than you?"

"No...well, yes, but there's something that I hate even more!" Blueblood explained.

"What?" asked Ozukac somewhat anxiously.

"Humans!" Blueblood exclaimed.

"Humans?" Osukac asked for verification.

"Humans" Confirmed Blueblood.

"I hate humans too!" Chimed Oszu

"I hate everyone that watches My Little Human: Friendship is Bullshit."

"Piekło, I hate everypony who's ever seen that show!" Oszu growled.

Blueblood had to outdo that: "I hate everyone, who's ever caught a glimpse of that show, while changing channels!"

"I hate everyone who knows what the show is!"

"We know what the show is."

Oszu decided to take a risk: "Well, I hate us!"

To his relief Blueblood didn't care and just kept going. "I hate every episode of both seasons 1 and 2!"

"I hate every episode of season 3!"

"But season three doesn't come out until november!"

"Well, I hate it already-" Before Oszu could continue, he was interrupted by a phone call to the tune of the MLH theme song.

"Hi Hoity...something about humans...yeah...no, we hate humans, remember? Yeah...okay...buh-bye."

Then Oszukac explained:

"That was Hoity-Toity...he hates humans too."

"Is your ringtone...the My Little Human theme song?"

There was silence.

Then Oszu changed the subject: "You know which Human I can't stand?"

"Which human?" asked Blueblood.

"Applerack."

"I can't stannd Pinkie Pies!"

"I can't stand Raritits!"

"I can't stand Rainboob Dash!"

"Headlight Sparkle!"

"Chernobyl"

"Apple Boom"

"Sweetie Bot"

"Chickenboob"

"Princess Molestia!"

"Gayburn"

"Freddie Mercury"

"Big Heart-Attack"

"Johnny Depp"

"Dopey Feet"

"I'm not wearing a My Little Human tie right now!" Blueblood added, stuffing his tie as if it were something better not seen.

"Nor am I!"

"Barrack Obama"

"Michael Savage"

"Prince"

"Queen Estrus"

"Shining Wiener"

"Princess Futa"

"Boob-Boob"

"Jizzy-Pants."

"All the Chundersplats"

"Limp"

"Dick"

"The Great and Powerful Stripsie"

"However...if there was one human, I dislike the least...it would have to be...Hootershy."

There was a pause, before he resumed:

"She's very nice...too look at...very good to her friends...and all, all the clients she has...takes care of them all...sometimes, nobody asks her to, she just, does it...such a sweetheart."

Oszu had to add: "Yeah, she's got it going, but I would say that, the human I hate the least...would be...Rainboob Dash."

"Rainboob Dash?! She is my least favorite!"

Oszu scowled: "Don't you dare talk that way about Dashie!"

"You remember that episode, where she goes around acting like a sex goddess, just because she bucked a few people? Big whoop."

"I'm sorry, how many Ponies have you been bucking lately?"

"I hate her! She is such a conceited slut!"

"She's stupid-confident, and really cool!"

There was another pause...

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that you watch My Little Human: Friendship is Bullshit, on a regular basis."

Glares were exchanged between one another.

Minutes later...

They were in Prince Blueblood's room, drinking beers, eathing nachos, and watching humans.

Twelve Years Later...

Now it was the present, and Oszukac was reflecting on the lives of himself and Prince Blueblood; originally, it was Blueblood who was the "straight-man", and Oszukac who was the "goofball." Now it had switched around, and Oszukac worried about Blueblood's current state, fearing that it would never get better...and that he was responsible for it. Blueblood's infamous disaster at the Gala had little to do with his new bad habits, introduced to him through Oszukac, but something else...

...but that is another story for a later chapter.

****************

Diamond Tiara now rushed towards her father's basement, where she presumed the explosion originated.

When she opened the door, she caught her father removing something that was too burnt to recognize, from his waist. When he pulled it down, it showed that all of his hair had been roasted off on his hindquarters.

She then quickly backed away and shut the door, to give him privacy.

After a minute or two had passed, she opened the doors to see her father now properly clothed in pants. But he had a most furious expression on his face. Before she could ask, he gave her an explanation: "I'll never get this boner!" her father shouted.

"Yes you will" Diamond Grumbled. "You always do, somehow. You'll proubably win first prize at the fair tomorrow, and become world famous."

"You really believe that?"

Diamond decided to troll her father: "Non, bien sûr que non!"

Filthy didn't understand it, but he figured it was great! "Well, then, what are we waiting for!" He shouted "I'll have this boner fixed in no time! Can't wait for the other former Genies to see this..." Diamond just rolled her eyes in exasperation.

However, they were not as alone as they thought.

Blueblood decided to get a glimpse of them...and heard enough to learn that Filthy Rich might not have been the only former genie.

He smiled. He was in luck.

********************

As Blueblood was walking to his large home in the country, he had planned stopping by Filthy Rich's home again tomorrow morning, to follow that fabled Genie to the fair, and learn who else were Genies. As he approached his property, he saw Fancy Pants' carriage parked outside his home, because Fancy was going to "Carriage-Pool" them to their favorite Gentlecolt's club.

When he opened the door to the home he shared with Oszukac, Oszu asked: "Say Blueblood, whatever happened to Hoity's little foal?"

"You mean Silver Spoon?"

There was a moment of silence, save the creak of the door that opened.

Blueblood went back to speaking: "Well, you of all Ponies should know what they do with silver spoons."

Oszu was aghast: "Her special talent was heroin?"

Overhearing this, Fancy Pants spat our the beer he helped himself too.

"Yes," Blueblood nonchalantly explained. "That's why Diamond used to act like such a huge brat back in the day...she was a major addict, or as Silver taught her to call it, a 'Sugarlump-Rump', and well, when she was high as a kite, she wasn't exactly very nice."

"I say!" Fancy loudly exclaimed.

"Well, it wasn't like she was Silver's only customer: Snails was too. Heck, a lot of Ponies were her customers. In fact, she probably had too many. So many, that inevitably, she got caught about ten years ago, and placed in prison for a million years!"

"That's just awful!" Oszukac grimaced.

"Yes, arrested too soon: I never got to try any of her drugs. Very sad indeed, considering what she did to Diamond and Snail: Must have been awesome stuff."

The Downfall and Uprising of Blueblood

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Oszu tried to ingest this: "So let me get this straight: Snails-"

"Was always high" Blueblood cut in. "Blazed right out of his mind he was."

"Diamond-" Oszu barely began.

"Went through nasty withdrawal periods. Tense as Tartarus. That's why she gave her classmates a hard time and thought that 'lame-kin' was a really good punchline. Silver Spoon, and her team, Mary Jane and Crystal, are in prison now, after a nasty incident in which Snails had an overdose of a particularly bad batch. The cause was identified, and it was traced back to Silver Spoon. Diamond went through her worst of withdrawals, but the Cutie Mark Crusaders were there for her, even though she was being a colossal bitch."

"How do you know this?"

"Diamond Tiara herself told me, though perhaps she was so high back then she remembers things wrong."

"Didn't Cheerilee do something about it?"

"Why should she?"

"Well, it seems like it should be within a teacher's responsibility."

Blueblood frowned. "You know, we had a teacher who was so strict...she used to stand around saying 'NO CLOPPING!', and you had the whole morning to get through, because she had really bouncy teats."

"And just what does that have to do with this?"

"Nothing, it's just injustice, that's all."

"Well, I bet her parents noticed" Oszukac tried to add on a more positive note.

"Why should they?" Blueblood asked glumly. "They would have been busy enough with their own bed problems, I'd wager."

Fancy Pants laid low, looking out the window, for he hoped that by pretending that he didn't know them, he would not be associated with their folly.

As for Oszu, he stopped blaming himself for Blueblood's downfall: It had been written since the beginning.

Blueblood also mused about this, thinking about how it all began

********************

In fact, Blueblood's downfall had been going on since before school. When he was four years old, his father was looked after by a Mare named May, and when she came over, she gave Blueblood a lollipop and then she spent time with Blueblood's father, and they played...games...

Blueblood's father, Pureblood, had a favorite game in particular: "Suck my fat banana". Poor Blueblood had to hear it all, which was actually somewhat traumatizing to him as a foal, especially because it seemed like Pureblood and May were having a lot of fun, but it was a scary kind of fun, that involved a lot of frightening and violent things. He didn't know what May and Pureblood were really doing, but he knew it was fun for them and scary to him. Perhaps that was why Blueblood did whatever he could to disgrace conventional sexuality: Because he wanted to convince himself that he had a good father who was only doing what was natural.

Blueblood's father was the worst of the worst. He was a draft evader and an ex-spoiled brat. Blueblood did whatever he could to forget him.

One day, Blueblood's mother, Nobility, came in through the front door, groceries in each of her forelegs cheerfully greeting the rest of the household. Even though they had servants, Nobility still lived the way she did before she married Pureblood. She soon caught Pureblood doing May, and that was especially annoying for Nobility, because he was getting a lot of head. Blueblood's mother shouted at May: "Get out my my house, you useless whorse!"

All May said was reply in a thick Cockney accent: "'ow did you know I was a 'ooker?"

Nobility had no intention of claiming that May was in fact, paid to play "Suck my Fat Banana" nor did she know that for sure: So that really did it.

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!"

And so May dashed out like an electronic raisin.

And Blueblood never saw May again. No more lollipops. But his dad made fewer scary sounds and said fewer scary words and did fewer scary things.

Then Nobility had a very firm chat with Blueblood's father, while the household staff laid low pretending that they knew nothing about this. As for Blueblood, he peeked around his parents' bedroom door and listened in on everything: "Don't ever let me catch you doing May again!"

Pureblood's mind immediately went to work on ways to do May without ever being caught again. However, Blueblood inherited his father's brains, which to put it kindly, was not a whole lot to inherit. So Pureblood realized he couldn't think of anything that worked and tried this: "Um, uh, sorry dear, sorry...can I diddle Ms. Goodall?"

Nobility could not believe what she just heard, so she became very firm: "No diddling any other girls!"

Pureblood was in a pickle now, but he always could think of an alternative: "What about George?"

Suddenly, Nobility's face changed: She was clearly trying very hard not to look excited, so it was of no surprise that she blurted out "Damn, that's hot!!"

Pureblood was so certain he won somehow! Now he can diddle George! However, Nobility must have seen the change on Pureblood's face and realized what she said, and so she corrected herself: "No, no, don't diddle him! Don't!! Don't diddle anyone at all! Except for me!! And for Sunflare's sake, don't diddle in front of our own son!!"

Pureblood was pouting; now all he could diddle now was his boring old wife!

****************

That was indeed, the problem with Blueblood's community: They were rich, and most of them didn't earn their wealth like Magnum or the Rich family, they gained their wealth from being in movies or music, or just being favored by a dominant political party. In you have such a background, you're liable to believe that you're morally invincible, hence "Suck my Fat Banana" with a married stallion.

When her marriage began falling apart, Nobility deicided that maybe it was better if Blueblood was kept away from his father. So he was sent to live with his hippie one-hundredth-and-seventeenth cousin Celestia, who he took to calling "Auntie" like she tried to make all of her students call her. Because they were one-hundredth-and-seventeenth cousins, "Auntie" had a little more meaning between them than most. If Twilight responded to Celestia's goofiness by over-resisting it with increasing obsession for perfection, Blueblood, her classmate, went along with it all together too well, to the point where he was, as his mother described May, a "useless whorse". He was perpetually haunted by his father's dallyings, and perhaps he became that way partly to make the memories less traumatizing, and Celestia was such a hands-off teacher that she just let him go in that direction, hoping he would pull himself out.

In a club, our tragic hero lounged with his friends, Hoity-Toity, Pokey Pierce, now the artist formerly known as Pierce (Pierce recently renamed himself an unpronounceable squiggle), Fancypants, Soarin', Shining Armor, Filthy Rich, Iron Will, Jet Set, and Oszukac. When in the walls of this club, Oszukac was his most trusted friend, and most hated enemy: In short, they were like brothers, or worse, lovers (or would have been if they weren't equally stupid). There were less frequent visitors to the Gentlemen's club, namely Bulk Biceps, the fiance of the Element of Kindness, Big McIntosh (I don't give a damn care how it's actually spelled), brother to the Element of Honesty, Trenderhoof, a writer, Discord, who was the "shared prize" of both Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie, and then there was Sukhbataar, who in this reality out of the many he exists in, was Twilight's sex slave consort, permitted to the club due to his associations with royalty, and Cheese Sandwich, who planned parties for that club.

Now, all of the ten frequents were heavily drinking, to the point of maximum intoxication, and ended up doing what drunk war veterans do: Make poop jokes.

"Everypony here would like to take a dump on you, Blueblood!" chortled Oszukac, who was glad to poke fun at Blueblood's constipation plight. Now it was a state secret between Blueblood and Oszukac....

Oszukac then proceeded to ask Blueblood: "Now, why don't you take a dump! Show 'em what yer made of! *hic*! They say nobody shits like Blueblood!"

Blueblood had no choice but to confess in intoxicated sing-song: "Oszukac, I'm afraaaiiiid I'm constiPATed, my pooOoOp is too la-a-a-a-arge!"

Even Soarin's drunken mind could comprehend just how strange that remark was, and he laughed...Oszukac grinned broadly, getting Prince Blueblood into the embarrassing situation he planned. Blueblood figured this out and would not take kindly to that: He punched Oszukac and then Soarin', shouting in song: "To infi-i-i-i-nityYYyyY...and beyond!!"

Giggling with alcoholic delight, Oszu then said cheerfully: "You need to take more laxaAatives!"

"YES!!" Blueblood exclaimed.

Then he dumped the whole jar of laxatives into his mouth.