I Dream of Luna

by getmeouttahere

First published 31st of January, 2014

Luna takes an interest in Ponyville's resident human, further complicating his already tumultuous life.

[ Rated mature for excessive language and humorous sexual dialog and situations. ]

Anon's got pony problems. Fluttershy's been stalking him, Twilight's trying to experiment on him, and he's been fighting sleep ever since he met Luna at a dinner party last week. The reclusive Princess of the Night has taken a somewhat inappropriate interest in him and has been invading his dreams!

Thanks to Luna's dreamwalking shenanigans, Anon now has to contend with doomsday meteors, horrendous creatures, and harrowing trials in addition to the growing herd of overly amorous mares plaguing him in his daily life. The line between dreams and reality begins to blur, leaving Ponyville's poor resident human desperate for a moment of peace and quiet!

This is a completed second person Anon in Equestria story originally written between December 2012 and February 2013 and converted to prose by reader request.

1 - Don't Go to Sleep

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

You yawn as your fingers drum the sanded and polished surface of the custom Louisville Slugger you carved out of a tree branch.

The treated wood feels good in your hands. Size, weight, balance… it’s all perfect. It truly is a well-made piece of equipment, especially for an amateur. You could probably hit a mean homer in an actual game with this thing, and the thought of it almost causes you to crack a smile.

Yeah, it’s too bad these little talking horses don’t play baseball. They probably don’t even know what it is, and you really have no intention of getting a league together. Well, not at the moment, anyway.

You chuckle. A baseball bat that’ll never be used to play the game… to a sentimental type, the idea might be seen as tragic in a way. After all, they’d see it as an object that’ll never fulfill the purpose for which it was made.

But to you? That couldn’t be further from the truth. Yeah, this is a bat, but it was never meant to play baseball. You carved it, through painstaking effort, for the sole purpose of dissuading these overeager little ponies from trying to get into your pants. So far it’s done a good job, since they usually scamper off when they see it.

Usually.

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

The act of tapping your fingers in a steady rhythm is calming. It’s something to focus on… something to take your mind off the situation and stop yourself from asking pointless questions. You’ve wasted too many hours pondering the ‘how’s and ‘why’s and trying to make sense of it, and it’s led absolutely nowhere.

Are these mares all crazy? Does it have to do with pheromones? Is there something in the water? Are you just that naturally attractive to marshmallow horses? You don’t really give a shit at this point. It just is, and you have to deal with it. This is your life now, and no matter how much you scream to the heavens, or more specifically to that big white horse with the crown and the crazy aurora hair that supposedly runs the place, apparently it’s not gonna change.

Welcome to Magical Horse Land, Anonymous the Human, where each day brings a fresh cornucopia of new and interesting horrors to taste.

Okay, yeah, you were being a bit melodramatic with that last line. Things were weird and uncomfortable at first, sure, but your Slugger evened out the playing field. Though you know you’d never be able to bring yourself to actually hurt the adorable little pests, just having it around was enough to persuade all but your most dedicated stalkers to think twice about bothering you. There were a couple of weeks last month that were even downright peaceful!

It didn’t last, though. It never does.

Right on time, you hear the expected knock at your door. With another yawn, you set the bat aside and stand up to answer it. You won’t need it here, as it was never enough to scare this particular little horse off. Somehow, she’s always able to tell that you aren’t serious when you wave it at her.

The door opens, and there she is. Standing on your front porch, eyes shining with hope and anticipation as always, is your #1 fan, Banana Hush. And this time she’s dressed in a penguin costume.

“Um… I know you don’t like ponies, but… I was thinking… maybe you might like other animals instead. Anon, are penguins your fetish?”

Well… it could be worse. It could be much worse, so it looks like you got off easy this time. You bring a hand to your face and rub your eyes.

“No, Fluttershy, penguins aren’t my fetish.”

She droops slightly, causing the stupid-looking costume to sag, and the sight of it almost pulls a laugh from you.

“Oh. Are you sure? I can be a good penguin. I… I could even ‘explore your glacial cavern’, if you want. I don’t mind. It’s really not a problem at all…” She flaps her little penguin flippers while wiggling her eyebrows at you.

“Fluttershy, what does that even mean? Is it supposed to be some kind of innuendo or something?”

She cowers slightly. “Um… m-maybe…?”

Yeah, either she has no clue herself or it’s something too horrendous for even her to say out loud, and you’re not gonna try to figure out which is the case. You shake your head and reply as yet another yawn slips out.

“Go home, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, okay.”

She turns and begins to waddle away, a very un-penguin-like long pink tail trailing behind her from the costume’s back.

Every day. Every goddamn day, she shows up and does shit like this. Sometimes she’ll try to guess your secret fetish in a misguided attempt to win your affection. Sometimes she’ll set up a poorly conceived trap, like that jug of cider she put underneath a big cardboard box propped up with a stick that was outside your front door last Monday. Hell, sometimes she’ll just straight up try to nuzzle your crotch before even saying hello!

But no matter how many times you tell her you’re not interested, or chase her away, or toss her into the nearby river, or punt her into the horizon, she keeps coming back… and as annoying as she is, you’ve gotta give her credit for being persistent.

It’s so bizarre, too, because it just started out the blue one day. When you first met her, she was too terrified to even speak to you, much less timidly show up in dominatrix gear with a whip in her mouth to ask if ‘being a naughty monkey who needs to be punished’ is your fetish.

A chill runs down your spine and quickly banish the memory from your mind. Yeah, there’s no point in dwelling on it. Just be happy you got through today’s visit from Fluttershit without much trouble. You’ve got bigger issues to deal with right now, anyway…

“Anon?”

You hear her call out to you as you move to head back inside, and against your better judgment you turn to acknowledge her.

“Um… you look really tired today, if you don’t mind me saying. I think you should get some rest.”

“Yeah, you’re right. See you tomorrow, Fluttershy,” you reply with one final yawn as you step inside.

That was an understatement if you ever heard one. The truth is, you’ve been desperately fighting sleep for the past several days due to your current ‘problem’.

You sit down on your living room couch and glance at the trusty anti-rape bat laying by your side. Unfortunately, no matter how effective it is in the real world, it doesn’t travel with you into your dreams. And you know, with absolute certainty, that if you dream, she’ll be there. The worst one of them all…

Fucking L—

“Wha—?!”

Shit, you must’ve nodded off for a second there.

You stand in the middle of a serene forest glade and stretch under the warmth of the noonday sun. Man, you feel refreshed. The gentle breeze keeps you from getting too hot and the subtle birdsong calms your mind.

“Hey, Anon~,” a familiar voice whispers into your ear.

You turn to see your high school crush smiling back at you, and you nearly do a double-take. Raven hair, ruby lips… that ass that won’t quit! There should be no way, but… it’s really her!

That can’t be right, can it? Did whatever crazy magic that dragged you from Earth to this insane little horse dimension capture her too?

“Rebecca? What're you—”

“Shhhh,” she breathes, holding a finger to your lips. “Listen, I've been thinking lately. About us. And I think I want to give ‘us’ a try. Would you like that?”

Oh shit. Your heart starts pounding and you forget to breathe for a bit. You were always a complete sperg when it came to dealing with this girl. You attempt to choke out an answer but it gets lost in translation from your brain to your mouth and instead comes out as a garbled grunt.

What's she doing here? Why is she here now? Where are you anyway? What the fuck is...

No. No, you're not gonna think like that. Every failed approach you've ever made was due to the fact that you asked yourself too many questions. Not this time. With a surge of confidence, you wrap your arms around Rebecca and pull her close.

“Yeah, I think I do.”

You move in for a simple kiss, but she quickly escalates it into a full blown make-out session. You find your hands wandering to the incredible ass that's just barely contained by her one-size-too-small jeans and you give it a firm squeeze.

Goddamn, can this really be happening?

Yeah. Yeah, it can. Her hands have found their way under your shirt and you begin struggling to strip each other while maintaining the kiss. Just as you feel yourself grasp the clasp of her bra, there's a rush of air followed by a scream and she's torn from your embrace.

Your head turns to track her and you see her flying away from you into the clear sky at an incredible speed, flailing and cursing. She gets smaller and smaller and her screaming fainter and fainter until she's just a speck on the horizon.

There's even a little flash and twinkle sound effect like in a goddamn anime.

It's at that moment you understand what’s happening, and the unfathomable sadness from that understanding pools and washes over you, pulling a single tear from your eyes and a single word from your lips.

“WHY?”

“We decided we had seen enough.”

You'd know that voice anywhere. Its distinctive tone causes your hands curl into fists and your body to shake with uncontainable rage.

“Luna.”

The Princess of the Night stands before you in all her regal glory. Or as regal as she can look with a strand of drool dripping down her muzzle and a somewhat blissful vacant expression. You look down and notice one of her hooves is kind of we— oh for the love of god.

“You were clopping to that?!”

Her entire body stiffens.

“WHAT?! NAY, ANONYMOUS, THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY THAT WE WERE CONCEALED IN THE NEARBY FOLIAGE CLOSELY OBSERVING THE EXOTIC MATING RITUALS OF THINE SPECIES, THE INTENSITY OF WHICH CAUSED US TO ENGAGE IN SELF PLEASURE TO CALM OUR RISING HEAT. HOW DARE THEE ACCUSE US OF SUCH A DEBOCHEROUS ACT?!”

You promptly facepalm and begin to rub your temples trying to ward off the coming migraine.

“Volume.”

Luna daintily holds up a hoof (not the wet one) and clears her throat. “Ahem. Our apologies.”

Great, if there was any doubt before, this settles it. You did fall asleep. And ever since you met her at a dinner in Canterlot last week arranged by Purple Autism and her merry bunch, falling asleep has meant getting harassed and pestered by this anachronistic moon horse.

Again, the fact that this shit even started was a total surprise. You hardly spoke to one another during the dinner, and when she did open her mouth, you had a tough time understanding a damn thing she was saying due to her obnoxiously thick ‘ye olde tyme-y’ accent. You figured she was nice enough at the time, at least until you went to bed that night and she popped up in your dreams.

What followed was a lot of miscommunication between the two of you, but to her credit, over time she’s dramatically improved her speech, dropping her 'thine's and 'thou's for more modern terminology when she focuses. At least she’s making an effort be normal… or as normal as things get around here, you suppose.

The downside? Now that you can understand her, you definitely don’t like what you hear, especially her declaration that she’ll ‘claim you as her own’ or something.

An uncomfortable silence lingers between you as you continue to give Ol' Moonbutt the evil eye. She hides behind her hoof and coquettishly glances about, failing to meet your gaze, before finally finding her voice.

“Salutations aside, we stand before you now because we have finally identified the flaw in our approach. You shall become ours this night, Anonymous the Human.”

Here we go again… she seems confident, but you relax a bit because in truth she's about as successful as Butter Squeak when it comes actually getting her hooves on you. There’s no real point in drawing this out any longer, so…

“I guess we might as well get this over with. What have you got for me this time?”

She perks up at your supposed willingness to cooperate and adopts a confident pose.

“In reflecting upon our past failures we recognized that what was missing was a catalyst, or trigger to spark your arousal and thus reciprocate our advances. It appears that the Element of Kindness was correct in her thinking that to discover your 'fetish' so-to-speak would become the impetus needed for you to drop your foalish inhibitions and rut us, an outcome which we both obviously desire. Therefore—”

Your fetish? Oh god… has she been talking to Fluttershy? This can’t be good.

“Whoa, whoa, stop right there. For one thing, I'm never going to tell you my fetish. And I definitely don't want to—”

She smirks, her cyan eyes shimmering with mischief. “Do you think us a foal, Human? Naturally we know you shan't reveal your fetish to us so easily, but it is of no consequence. Do not forget, we have been watching your dreams. That which seems as play and frivolity to you was a calculated part of our observation, for we have been waiting for one type of dream in particular…”

Uh oh. You don't like where this is going.

“...A dream that has finally come this night. You may nobly attempt to deny us your fetish in the light of day, but here you cannot hide from your own nature. You have already revealed it to us in your interactions with the she-ape.”

You're starting to sweat. She's bullshitting right? There's no way she...

Luna turns her back to you, her tail swaying and shimmering with the light of countless stars, the dual crescent moons on her impressive flanks visible through the more transparent outer bands.

“We must admit, we can only offer you the second greatest posterior in Equestria. In this too we are outmatched by our Sister. It is a grand mystery of the cosmos as to how she's able to shove so many cakes into her gullet each day and still maintain her proportions in all the right places...”

She's blushing now as she begins to back up toward you. You take a step back in response. Did it just get hot in here?

“But even still, we shall not be matched by a mortal pony. Not by Kindness, not by Honesty, not by Loyalty, Generosity, Laughter or Magic. We can provide what they cannot. This shall be worth your while, Anonymous the Human, for you are an 'ass man', are you not?”

She's got you. You're trembling now. With each word she's stepped toward you, and you've backed up in kind. The scenery around you begins to melt away, much like whatever’s left of your composure. Before you know it, you find yourself in a barn stall, trapped against the far wall by Luna's impressive hindquarters.

“You should be grateful, human,” she whispers. “Countless stallions of ages past have dreamt of and perished without ever knowing what you are about to experience.”

Alright, this has been a cute attempt, but it's time to get the fuck out of here. Her moonbutt may have you trapped against the wall but she's still a fair bit smaller than you, so a good shove ought to be enough to dislodge her and make your escape. After that, there’ll probably be a Benny Hill-style chase and then you’ll wake up and everything’ll be okay and you can dunk your head in a bucket of bleach so that you won’t have to remember this ever happened.

Yep, it’s time leave. You place your hands upon her flanks atop her cutie marks and begin to apply pressure. Then several things happen at once.

You realize she's a lot stronger than she looks and you can't easily move her.

She moans, shudders, and increases the pressure she's exerting on your crotch.

Your hands sink into her flesh, and you goddamn near cream yourself right then and there.

The firmness, the give, the texture... it's in a word, godly. No woman you've been with has ever anywhere remotely compared to this. To your horror, you find you're no longer trying to push her away, and instead begin kneading those glorious flanks.

What... what the fuck is happening?!

Luna's tail begins to swish from side to side in happiness, rising all the while. It passes over you, or maybe more accurately through you, and it's like simultaneously swimming in a perfectly cool stream and breathing the crisp air of a starlit autumn night.

“Yes... those hands... they are exactly as we imagined~!”

Her volume begins to rise with her excitement and the grinding has been doubled. Her enthusiasm is infectious and you begin instinctively meeting her occasional thrusts despite the fact that your pants are still on.

Your mind has stopped working at this point. It's been ages since you've gotten any release with the constant advances of Fluttershy and her annoying little horse friends making your every waking moment hell. No, you need this. It's a dream anyway and it's right here in front of you; just fucking go with it.

Maybe that's why the sight of the needy pony in front of you doesn't turn your stomach right now. Maybe that's why you give into temptation and pull your hand from one of those glorious flanks to jam two fingers in…

“H-H-H-HUZZAH~!!”

Luna screams as her orgasm hits. Her wings shoot out straight and stiff as boards and sparks fly from her horn. The friction of her spasming ass on your crotch sends you over the edge as well and you grab onto her hindquarters as hard as you can while you ride your own orgasm out. The two of you collapse in a heap on the barn floor, glassy-eyed and panting.

Though you don’t notice the scenery around you starting to fade away and melt to white, Luna picks up on it immediately as she recovers.

“Ah... it... it appears as though the dream is ending. 'Tis... a shame that we could not experience true penetration this night, but there will be more dreams, and with them more opportunities...”

Speaking of opportunities, since you're too wiped out to move she leans down and plants a sloppy horse kiss on your forehead. You're slightly less disgusted by this than you imagined you'd be.

“Thou wert wonderful, Anonymous the Human. We look forward to more such endeavors with thee in the future...”

As you close your eyes, the thought of how soft her coat felt to your touch flutters through your mind.

“FUCK!!!!!”

You bolt awake on the couch, gasping for breath. The bat by your side rolls off the seat and falls to the floor with a clatter, shocking you and jumpstarting your fried brain. With a glance around, you notice the sun has started to set outside, so a good amount of time must’ve passed...

“Just a dream...”

Your breathing starts to regulate as you calm down. It was just a dream. Everything's fine. Everything's going to be okay. There's an uncomfortable gooey sensation in your pants.

“God dammit, I can't believe this.”

You quickly remove your pants and other clothes and head upstairs for a shower to clean up.

In the shower you begin to philosophize about your current predicament. This doesn't make you a horsefucker, right? It's not like it actually happened in the real world, so...

Ouch. There's that migraine again. You resolve to not think about it for a while.

As you step out of the shower you hear a crash from downstairs. You rush toward the sound, and… yep, it appears as though Fluttershy has broken your window and now has her face buried in the messy boxers you left on the floor. She lifts her head when she hears you enter the room, one eye peering out at you from one of the leg holes.

“Oh... hi there... um... it's... it's not what it looks like?” She smiles and squees in an attempt to look as innocent as possible.

Making sure the towel is secure around your waist, you pick her up by the scruff of her neck and start dragging her outside toward the river that flows by your house. You thought you got off easy today, but she was probably just waiting for you to fall asleep so she could steal more of your underwear. Fucking Fluttershy…

Like most days, you launch her like a missile toward the river, but this time she actually decides to use her wings to stop her descent before she hits the water. The little pegasus holds the boxers close to her chest and you can see a deep blush forming on her cheeks as she flutters about.

“Um... I'll just be keeping these, if that's okay with you. Have a nice evening…”

And with that she flies off toward her cottage to do god knows what.

You sigh in defeat. Another pair of underwear lost. At this rate you'll need to go see Squiggletail to get more, and probably get groped again because she 'misplaced your measurements, darling'.

All in all, you've lost some undies and gained some really conflicted feelings about horse ass.

Just another normal day in Equestria.

2 - Special Delivery

You've gotta admit, you're feeling good.

You went to bed last night with some trepidation after your mid-afternoon nap encounter with Luna, but thankfully your sleep overnight was dreamless. For the first time in days you feel energized and ready to once again take on this fucked up pony-filled story book world.

You hum a song in front of the stove as you fix today’s breakfast of eggs and bacon (don’t ask where it came from), swaying your hips from side to side in time with the tune. In fact, you're so happy right now that you can almost forget the philosophical dilemma you still need to ponder as to whether or not (admittedly pleasurable) sexy dream shenanigans with a space horse actually m-GRRRRK

“Ow...”

Yeah, the migraine still crops up when you think about it. Better stop and focus on your cooking.

Just as you plate your finished meal, you hear a knock on the door, and in your present euphoria you go and answer it without thinking. Big mistake.

Ah, there she is. Your favorite part of the day, Fluttershy.

“A-Anon...”

The first thing you notice is that she's obviously been crying. Despite all she's done to you, this still tugs at your heart a little bit every time you see it. A small spark of sympathy starts to well within you...

...and quickly dies as you see that she's wearing the same pair of boxers she stole from you yesterday on her haunches, backwards, her pink tail poking out of the convenient quick access piss port you insisted Rarity include in the design.

Before you can say anything, she quickly pushes past you and takes a seat at your small kitchen table, several fresh tears staining your floor as she moves. You begin to move toward her to perform your patented FlutterPurge™ maneuver when she starts to choke out some words.

“Oh... oh, Anon... I had the most awful dream last night! P-Princess Luna came to me and started bragging that you and she had b-b-bu... made love together. She... said you told her she was amazing and that you would love her forever and ever and that you’d move to Canterlot to be her royal consort! It's... it's not true, is it? Please tell me it isn't true...”

The poor thing looks at you with pleading eyes. You don't know how she does it, but she's somehow able to erase the terrible history between you with that look every single time she uses it. You walk over and kneel next to her, putting a comforting hand on her back.

“Royal consort? No, Fluttershy, that's not true. I never said any of that stuff. She did make some advances on me in a dream yesterday afternoon but even then we didn't go all the way. I'm honestly not really sure what to think about the whole thing.”

She perks up immediately, like someone flipped a switch from 'depressed pone' to 'overjoyed pone'. You even casually glance at her back to make sure there wasn't an actual switch there that you triggered by mistake.

“Really? It was only in a dream? Oh, oh thank goodness. I knew you would never cheat on me, Anon. You're much too kind and special and amazing to ever do something like that.”

She flutters up to you, wraps your head in her forehooves and starts nuzzling your cheek. It's... actually cute and feels kinda good, but you break out of her embrace when she starts taking deep sniffs of your hair.

“Yeah. First of all we're not currently nor were we ever in a relationship. And second of all, you seem to think it's not that big of a deal. It actually was Luna using her weird dreamwalking spell, she did kinda molest me and it felt really... real at the time. Every time I think about it I get a major headache.”

She lands on the floor and giggles.

“Oh, everypony knows that dreams don't count, Anon, even if Luna was there,” she says as she looks away and starts madly blushing. “If... if they did, we'd have four or five foals together by now. From all the rutting. Because of your insatiable lust for my f-flutter-flank.”

You see her zone out and adopt a dopey expression as she starts to fantasize about some indescribable act of depravity. “Oh-oh my…” Yep, there's the wingboner.

Aaaaand the sympathy's completely gone. She's so wrapped up in her daydream that she doesn't notice as you pick her up and walk out the front door.

“Oh Anon, you want to make another foal with me~? We have so many already... but if that's what you want~,” she coos in your ear as you walk. You hold her out in front of you and start stretching your kicking leg. Gotta get the blood flowing if you want to break your distance record.

“Bye, Fluttershy.”

You give it your best shot, but as soon as you make contact you know you're not going to score a personal best Flutterpunt record. “ILOVeyouanooonnn~” echoes on the wind as she sails through the air, and though she makes a decent arc the distance leaves something to be desired.

“Damn, I'm really out of practice.”

Closing the door behind you, you return to your now cold breakfast.

~~~~~~~~~

Despite having to suffer through a less than stellar meal, you try to keep your enthusiasm high, and you manage to be quite productive, completing some household chores you've been putting off and getting your grocery shopping for the week done.

After returning home you decide to unwind with the latest copy of the Foal Free Press. The little hellions responsible for it may be annoying to deal with but they can sure write a mean story…

But just as you settle into your recliner and start to get into the article you’re reading, there's another knock at the door. This time you actually check who it is through the peephole first.

Huh, it's Purple Pone. It's odd to see her out and about. As far as your stalkers go she's actually pretty low-key most of the time. Outside of your weekly Celestia-mandated 'Human-Pony Cultural Exchange Study Sessions' she doesn't usually try anything. She's certainly no Fluttershy, that's for sure, so you open the door without too much deliberation.

“Hello, Anon.”

“Hey Autismo.”

“It's Twilight.” She makes the trademark annoyed expression that always gets you to crack a smile. Worth it!

“Right, right. What can I do for you?”

She pulls out a small package from her saddlebag with magic. “This came for you via Dragon Mail with a note attached to deliver it right away. From the seal it looks to be from Princess Luna! I'm so happy for you, Anon, you've made another friend! Despite all of your complaining it looks like that dinner we had in Canterlot last week with the princesses was good for you after all.”

Twilight is beaming. You take the package from her magical grip with a bit of hesitation.

“Between you and me, Luna has been having difficulty becoming close with anypony since her return. Princess Celestia was a bit worried about her, but she really seems to have taken a liking to you. Part of the reason we arranged that dinner was to introduce the two of you since the Princess thought you might have something in common being that you’re both strangers to modern pony society, and now, just over a week later she's sending you postal correspondence! I'm so glad things are working out.”

Oh god what the fuck could be in this box?

“Yeah, we're... special friends all right. Thanks for bringing this by, Twilight.”

And there's a genuine smile for using her real name. “No problem, Anon. I need to go, Rarity talked me into a spa visit that I'm already late for. I hope you enjoy your gift from Luna!”

She turns and trots away. You close the door and head back to your recliner.

Well Anon, time to make a choice. You can A) Go back to reading your paper, B) Get started on fixing the leaky sink in the kitchen or C) Choose the mystery box.

Fuck it, who are you kidding? You always choose the mystery box. There could even be a mystery box inside!

As soon as you crack the seal on the box it bursts open, sending some kind of oddly colored smoke directly into your face. You cough, stumble backwards, and fall into your recliner. What was that?! Moonbutt's outdated idea of a prank or something?

You try to get up to inspect the box again but suddenly feel really sleepy. Yeah, a nap sounds good right about now. There'll be time to figure... this out... later...

~~~~~~~~~

“Hmmmmmmm...”

You're standing in an endless corridor, lined with obsidian pillars and grand windows that reveal desolate white dunes and the brightest star scape you've ever seen beyond their boundaries. Next to every pillar rests a brazier on either side of the corridor, each burning with an oddly muted white flame and surrounded by even brighter snow white lilies.

“Yeah...”

You look ahead of you: the corridor continues infinitely into the darkness. You look behind you: the corridor continues infinitely into the darkness.

“My keen human senses are telling me that this probably isn't Ponyville.”

You walk up to one of the windows. Yep, no other signs of life or civilization. A comet passes by.

“...or Equestria.”

Well that's just great. Moon Horse fucking killed you with her little prank gift and now you're in Pony Purgatory or something. That's what you get for choosing the mystery box.

And judging from the clip clop sound of hooves on stone and the hooded figure approaching you, you're probably about to be given your eternal judgment. No pressure though, since Hell can't possibly be any worse than your daily life.

“Ah, we were wondering when you would finally arrive.”

Oh wait, it is worse.

“Luna.”

She grins, a menacing smile visible beneath the hood of her cloak.

“Indeed! We bid thee welcome, Anonymous the Human, to our MOON PALACE! Mwahahahahahahaha~!”

The Princess of the Night rears up on her hind legs and stretches her forelegs above her in a grand gesture as she laughs. Thunder rumbles in the background, lightning flashes, and her cloak transforms into a colony of bats that fly around menacingly before finding perches in the arched ceiling above you. Well, all save for the one that smacks into your face and gets stuck in your hair.

So that's what happened. Her little gift somehow sent you to the moon. Typical.

You untangle the bat and send it on its way before turning back to Luna who's still maintaining her grand pose as well as she can. You kind of wonder how long she can keep it up, so you just silently stand there for several minutes and stare at her. She starts to sweat and her limbs begin to tremble from the exertion of holding the pose, and eventually she relents and lands on all fours again, sheepishly returning your gaze.

“Do... do you like it?”

“Yeah, not bad.”

The stars in her mane brighten a little with her smile. “We are honored that you think so. We made it ourself.”

“Wait, you built this all by yourself?”

She nods.

“Damn, that's actually pretty impressive. But did you mean to give it so much... uh... endless hallway, though?”

Luna laughs as she finishes closing the distance between you. “We were up here for a thousand years, Anonymous. We were bored.”

She begins walking down the corridor and, not wanting to be left alone on the moon, you follow along.

“They also served another purpose,” she continues. “Originally, we intended these corridors to spell out 'Celestia has an above average sized rump and should perhaps refrain from consuming so many pastries!' on the lunar surface when viewed from Equestria, but we quickly discovered that this message would be too large to fit. We settled on 'Celestia's a Cunt' instead.”

What?

“Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that the palace's design spells out 'Celestia's a Cunt' and it's actually visible from Equestria?”

“Yes,” she giggles, “the history books tell us it was quite the amusing sight.”

“How come I've never noticed it?”

She turns down a side passage and you move even closer to her to make sure you don’t get lost.

“We used an illusion spell to hide the message until such time as it was completed, in the 348th year of our imprisonment. When we removed the illusion and revealed it to Equestria, Sister was so livid that she gathered the combined magic of herself, the unicorns of the royal guard, and her protégés of the time to unnaturally turn the moon and force the palace to reside on the dark side. Though it was only visible to the ponies of Equestria for about four days total, the knowledge that it got so under her coat was enough of a reward. We laughed unceasingly for many weeks.”

Your. Fucking. SIDES! You can just imagine the prim and proper Sunbutt ranting and raving about the whole thing, stomping around the castle and yelling at her underlings to do something. You can't contain your laughter and just decide to let it out. Luna seems happy at your mirth and stops to let you recover, and you place one hand on her back to steady yourself, coaxing a deep blush from her that goes unnoticed.

You wipe some tears from your eyes and regain your composure. It seems Luna actually has a fun side. Maybe if she can get some of her crazier tendencies under control, she wouldn't be so bad to have as a friend.

The Moon Princess smirks at you. “You approve, then, Anonymous?”

“Yeah, I only wish I could've been there to see it for myself. But if all that's true, why aren't we on the dark side of the moon now? Looks pretty bright out there to me.”

She follows your gaze to the grand star scape just beyond the corridor. “Ah… this is the palace as it was prior to the turning. We thought it best that we would be able to see one another during this visit.”

You stop in your tracks. “Wait, you've sent us back in time?! Is that safe?”

Luna turns back to face you wearing the best ‘you've gotta be shitting me’ expression you've seen on one of these little ponies so far. She shakes her head as she answers, “You are fortunate that you are so very sexy, Anonymous, as your intelligence seems to be lacking.”

Hey, you take offense to that! Maybe.

“The dust within the package you received is our own creation. It is essentially an alchemical spell that grants the one who breathes it the ability to dreamwalk as we do for a time. You are in our dream, which is why you are able to so vividly experience a place such as this which exists in reality, but of which you have no memory or reference.”

Huh, okay, you guess that makes more sense than time travel. You're definitely dealing with quite a clever and dedicated horse here.

“Alright, that's all well and good, but why bring me here like this? Couldn't wait for my next dream?”

Luna enters a grand set of onyx doors with intricately stylized crescent moons embossed on their surface and you follow behind her.

“Yes,” she hums. “We suppose we were becoming a bit impatient. That you did not dream last night was a disappointment, to be certain.”

You find yourself standing in an ornate bedroom with the largest canopy bed you've ever seen set against the far wall, along with two massive glass doors overlooking the lunar landscape on each side.

“…But we suppose a part of us wanted to share something of ourself with you that we could not have had we merely entered your own dream.”

Luna trots forward and sits on her haunches in the center of the large room, her ears laid back and a bashful, somewhat reserved but still hopeful smile on her muzzle. It causes your heart to skip a beat… when she’s not chasing you around your own dreams, there’s no denying she’s kinda cute…

You shake your head to banish those thoughts and instead stop to take in the whole scene. Engraved in exquisite detail upon the oaken furniture lining the room are countless scenes from her life. The two young princesses at play... the departure of their parents, uniting and leading the ponies, her descent and banishment, and even her hope for the future, showing herself and Celestia embracing after her return.

You look to the ceiling and discover a grand skylight, or to her more like a canvas that she could use to play with the stars...

You look outside across the moonscape and notice Equestria rising in the distance. How often did she watch this and mourn for what was lost, or hope for what was to come?

It's true. She's shown you a part of herself that you couldn't otherwise have seen. This, the pony before you and everything that now surrounds you, is her.

And you find it oddly beautiful.

“I'm… I’m honored, Luna.”

Those words just fall out of you unguarded. You don't subconsciously pick and choose them like you would in a normal conversation. It's how you truly feel and you had to express it to her. It's kinda funny because that's the kind of stupid shit you do when you're in lo—

Uh oh.

No. No, that's retarded, Anon. You've had fleeting feels before. Let's not get ahead ourselves here. We've got a long way to go before we reach true horsefucker status.

And then the genuine smile she shows you in response to your words launches your feel stem straight toward your otherwise dormant horsefucker lobe, and you can feel the shift as something in your brain irrevocably changes.

Luna, oblivious to your internal struggle, begins to move toward you while you remain frozen in place. She then rears up and wraps her forehooves around you in a hug. You return it in kind, and in doing so feel the impossibly soft down of her wings as you encircle them.

“We are glad we met you, Anonymous. We apologize that we may have seemed so silly and forward with you in our interactions before, but we were nervous, and a bit out of touch with the current times, and knew not how to otherwise capture your attention.”

“...It's… uh, it’s okay.”

She's blushing up a storm now and if your heart doesn't start beating again you're sure you're gonna die.

“Sister tells us that it is no longer permissible in polite society to ‘claim’ stallions as our own by our right as Princess, and instead we are now to ‘court’ them. Though we find this to be very odd indeed, we would like to give it a try.” She looks away, a slight rosiness still lingering in her cheeks. “W-woulds’t thou... like to perhaps attend another dinner with us at the castle? Outside of a dream, we mean.”

You smile back at her. “Of course.”

“SPLENDID!” she replies at a volume that almost causes you to cover your ears. “Er, we mean to say... that... is most agreeable.”

You try not to laugh, and instead let the quietness of the palace linger for a bit. She stares at you, cyan eyes searching for something, and several times it looks as if she’s about to speak but suddenly thinks better of it.

You're still standing there holding each other, and internally, believe it or not, you're having a screaming match with yourself over whether you should move in and kiss her.

She’s so irresistibly cute right now that part of you really wants to do it, but another part of you realizes that there's a definite point of no return that's about to be crossed here.

Then you think back to what Fluttershy said earlier. ‘Dreams don't count’. Hey, that’s the perfect loophole to put off making this decision. We'll just deal with it later! That's enough justification for me, Anon!

The repressed memory of holding Luna's amazing flanks in your hands from yesterday's dream rushes back to you and all resistance is crushed. You share your first real pony kiss, dream or not, with Princess Luna. And you like it.

Then, the ornate skylight above you shatters and a ball of yellow and pink crashes into you both.

“Get your hooves off my man you-you-you HUSSY!”

What. The. Fuck.

“FLUTTERSHY?!” you scream, completely at a loss at the sight of the little butterball.

Luna flares her wings and jumps back, startled out of her wits. “By my Sister's beard, Kindness?!”

The yellow pegasus stands and wobbles on her hooves a bit before she quickly recovers from her dynamic entry and shoots Luna a death glare that would even cause a Beholder to shit itself in fear. Luna actually cowers at the sight.

“Well, well, well,” she begins, pacing back and forth in front of Luna while never breaking eye contact. “I come here to give you a stern talking to about your behavior and what do I find? Here you are harassing my poor, sweet, innocent love-monkey Anon in his dreams again! You should be ashamed of yourself, Princess!”

Oh boy. You’ve seen this before. Sometimes she gets into these moods where she becomes really assertive for some reason, and it honestly makes you kinda nervous. Maybe you should— wait a minute, did she call just you a love-monkey?

Luna, completely nonplussed by the pegasus’ odd behavior, fiercely returns Fluttershy’s stare with one of her own.

“Kindness, how art thou even here? What sorcery hast thou used?”

“Oh, I just had to ask to borrow one of Zecora's magic concoctions. She can make a powder to enter dreams too, you know,” Fluttershy says, an unusual confidence ringing in her voice. “I wanted to give you a piece of my mind about your behavior last night since I heard you usually sleep during the day anyway…”

Much to your surprise, she spins and trots over to you, a worried look on her face.

“But it looks like I got here just in time to save you, Anon! At first I didn’t want to believe it, but… but… Princess Luna’s nothing but a no good naughty creepy stalky STALKER!”

Your body actually begins to tremble with an indescribable mix of emotions. You’re literally shaking.

“F-Fluttershy...” you somehow choke out despite the tremors of anger running through your frame. “I don’t know how to else to put this, but… there is no living creature, in this universe or any other, with any less of a right to say that to me than you. You know that, right?”

The little pegasus merely smiles back at you, a slight blush on her cheeks.

“Oh, there’s no need to thank me now Anon, you can g-give me my reward later tonight!” She follows the statement by wiggling her eyebrows at you like Groucho Marx.

This pony... this fucking pony…

That’s it. You can’t handle this anymore. You’re done.

“I'm just... I'm just gonna go over here. You two have fun.”

You walk over to one of the room’s corners and sit down in one of the chairs there to and try and massage your headache away before it hits full force.

In the meantime, Luna's mood has shifted from confused and slightly frightened to barely contained rage. She towers over the smaller pony, her gaze as cold as ice.

“Kindness. We must ask that you leave this dream at once, and we must ask you again to cease your advances on Anonymous. When we appeared in your dream last night, we did so on his behalf, because we are aware that he is troubled by your actions. However, very recently, circumstances have changed further still. Anonymous is now our stallion, and we have established a courtship with him per Sister’s recommendation. From what we have been able to discern, a courtship in the modern era is carried out between two only, so we will no longer permit him to be bothered by the likes of you.”

“Courting Anon…? Wow, you're a liar now too, Princess?” Fluttershy counters, her snarky tone trying to lower the room’s temperature even further than Luna’s glare. “That's good to know. Heh, I bet they call you an alicorn because of all those dicks you constantly have in your mouth, am I right?”

You swear you can almost see a certain glimmer in Luna’s eyes as her lips turn up in a smile for a brief moment as she stares the little pegasus down.

“You speak bold words to your Princess, Bearer of Kindness. To what extent are you willing to defend them?”

“It’s…” Fluttershy squeaks, her resolve faltering in the face of Luna’s intimidating presence. She glances back to you once, then squares her shoulders and looks back to the alicorn. “It’s his decision who he loves. B-But until he’s married and I know he’s happy, I w-won’t stop… fighting for him…”

The Princess of the Night smiles once again, the sparks of anger arcing between them almost visible in the air now.

You simply shake your head at the sight. This is unbelievable. These two are seriously about to fight over you. With fisticuffs. Er, hoofticuffs. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

But still, you're a guy, and the fact that a catfight's about to break out triggers some sort of primal, instinctive reaction in you. You really, really want to meow and make a claw gesture with your hands, but it doesn't seem appropriate since these are horses, not cats.

So after some consideration, you do what you think is the equivalent:

You neigh, snort, and stomp your foot.

And both Fluttershy and Luna stop dead in their tracks.

All sound ceases, and they slowly, ever so slowly, turn toward you.

“A... Anonymous...”

“Anon, you...”

“In all our thousands of years...”

“You... you want...”

“Never has a stallion been brazen enough...”

“You want—”

“To ever do such a thing in our presence...”

The two ponies slowly advance on you. Fluttershy looks like she’s about to faint, while you’re entranced by Luna’s cold, calculating eyes.

Yeah, you’re dead now. There’s no question. You stand from your chair and back away, but they keep following, never stopping.

It’s so quiet now you could hear a pin drop, and then Luna’s voice echoes through the large room once more.

“To use the most ancient, primal mating signal of ponykind, that of a stallion who claims a mare as his, and to direct it at ourself and Kindness both... to claim us as your herd...”

“I-I'm yours, Anon~!” Fluttershy swoons.

Luna locks eyes with you again, and you can see a spark of lust behind them that causes a chill to run down your spine.

“Such boldness... such pure, unrestrained audacity... should be rewarded. Sister may claim modern ‘courtship’ is between two… but if thy desire is for the old ways, we shall not disagree nor deny thee...”

And… suddenly death doesn’t seem so bad. In fact, it might be preferable.

The two mares pounce at you in unison, and you brace yourself for what’s to come. But before they can make contact, your body suddenly becomes transparent and the two lust-crazed ponies pass right through you, crashing into each other in a heap on the floor.

“P-Princess, what's happening?” Fluttershy asks, still a bit dazed from the crash.

“Anonymous is being pulled from the dream,” Luna replies, tapping a hoof to her chin. “Though this is vexing to us as the magic that brought him here should not allow him to wake until we deem it time...”

She ponders for moment before perking up in realization.

“…Unless he is receiving some sort of excessive stimulus in the waking world.”

Wait, what?

~~~~~~~~~

You slowly open your eyes and the ceiling of your plain old living room comes into focus. That… that was a close one. It’s tough to process what exactly happened in that dream, but you get the impression that you’ve somehow avoided a terrible fate, and you've never been happier to be awake and in the safety of your small Ponyville home in the entirety of your (admittedly brief) time here in Horseland.

The recliner's been pitched back. It's nice that you happened to collapse somewhere so comfy, and you definitely feel well rested, but you’d better get to work on dinner. Judging from the position of the sun outside, you've probably been out for a while.

Yet when you attempt to fold up the recliner it strangely doesn’t budge, and you quickly discover you can't move at all.

“Ah, yer finally awake!” a smiling orange horse wearing a stylish country Stetson says as she appears in your field of vision. “Ah can't believe my luck! Ah came over to borrow a cup'a sugar and ended up findin' a big ol' sugarcube layin' here just waitin' fer me!”

It's Apple Pone, and it looks like she's got you tied to the chair for some reason. On the list of weird stuff that’s happened today, this really doesn’t rank all that high, but you feel compelled to ask the obvious question anyway:

“So, uh… what’re you doing?”

Applejack chuckles. “Makin’ sure ya can’t run off.”

Oh.

“Uh… can I ask why?”

She huffs and rolls her eyes. “Anon, ah swear, you’re thicker than molasses in winter sometimes. But that’s all right… ah’ve come ta accept that part’a ya. Ah finally realized that you were never gonna pick up on any of my hints, so ah figured ah’d just show ya what ah want instead.”

Hoping against hope, you test the ropes and they hold firm. You’d expect nothing less from Applejack— she doesn't do anything half-assed.

And speaking of asses, one amazing apple-ass is hovering right above you. Normally you'd be terrified, but the rewiring of your brain in the dream seems to have followed you into the real world too, and now you’re not sure what to think.

But hey, look on the bright side… maybe… maybe this is still a dream?

“Any last words, darlin'?”

“I... I want to get off Ms. Jacqueline Apple's Wild Ride.”

Applejack swishes her tail and laughs. “Oh sugarcube, as ya can see, yer safety restraint is already in the lowered and locked position. Ah'm afraid it won't be lifted till the ride's over.” She flashes you a sly smile. “But don't you worry none, there'll be plenty of gettin' off fer the both of us between now and then...”

Nope, it’s definitely not a dream, it’s a goddamn nightmare.

And thus ended your pony virginity. You had a good run.

It was just a matter of time, you suppose. With all of the attempts, eventually one of them would succeed. If someone asked you this morning if you thought it’d be Applejack of all ponies, after tying you down to your expensive and probably-about-to-be-ruined recliner, you would’ve laughed it off.

But as you’ve come to find, life is full of surprises. Horrible, horrible surprises.

As you feel the farmpony’s weight center on top of you and the scent of her enthusiasm reaches your nostrils and fills your senses, a single thought echoes in your mind:

It could always be worse. At least she’s not wearing a penguin costume.

3 - Office Work

The phone by your side keeps ringing and ringing, but there’s no way you’re gonna answer it. If the boss wants to chew you out, the old bastard can come down here and do it in person. Besides, nothing he could say would really matter for the bottom line or even help move things along. It’d just be a waste of time, and that’s the last thing you can afford right now…

Because Holy FUCK, if you don't get this proposal done for the client meeting at 8:00am the day after tomorrow, you’re boned beyond belief. Your fingers should be flying over the keys, crafting a masterpiece that’ll knock your potential investors’ socks off. But no, you're sitting here in front of your computer and it's just not happening. Development says the cost target and timetable Sales wants is impossible and the two departments have been arguing back and forth all day.

If something doesn't give soon you're gonna have to just ignore them both and pull something out of your ass…

Y’know, all this stress isn’t good for you, Anon. You've spent too much time here lately... maybe it'd be best to sleep in your own bed tonight and come back refreshed in the morning. You can take some of this work home, right?

Yeah, if the two infighting departments don’t get off their asses and produce something in the next hour or so, you're gonna slip out of here at around 7:30 today.

“Heeeeeeeyyyyy Non-non...”

Oh no. No no no.

“It's 4:59:48pm...”

A poofy pink mane begins to crest over the edge of your cubicle wall, followed by a smiling face with starry eyes, then two front hooves. The wall rocks back and forth and threatens to fall as she scrambles over and lands in your lap.

You know that one co-worker who's really annoying that you always try to avoid whenever you can? Here she is.

“No, Pinkie,” you mutter, still trying to focus on your work. Maybe if you ignore her she’ll go bother someone else. It’s worth a shot, right?

Two pony hooves gently encircle your neck in a hug and a pink pony cheek presses against your own. One of the hooves turns your head toward the wall clock, and you watch the second hand tick by until it joins the minute hand at 12.

“Party time, Non-non,” she whispers in your ear.

“Pinkie, no. I've got a deadline here and I've got to get as much done as I can before I head home. You understand, right?”

“Hmmmmm...” Pinkie tilts her head up in thought. “Nope!”

A hoof flashes forward and hits the power button on your PC. It's been two hours since you saved the spreadsheet you had open.

You scream internally.

“C'mon, Non-non!” she chirps. “Let's get out of this boring old place and do something fun! If we go right now the commute won't be so bad!”

You stand up, dumping Pinkie Pie in the floor, and head to the men's restroom to take a leak and reflect on the train wreck that is your life.

Why? Why does she always do this? Every time, every assignment… you get this close to finishing it, and then she pops up out of nowhere talking about parties! This annoying little horse needs to understand that this is the real world and you’re a grown man with a grown man’s responsibilities.

Yeah, you’re gonna have a talk with her. This needs to stop.

But as you finish up your business and head over to the sink to start washing your hands, the Pink Menace barges in and trots over to your side.

“We need to go, Non-non, aren't you done yet?”

You recoil on instinct at the sight of her. “Pinkie, for fuck's sake, this is the men's room!”

“So?”

“'So'?!” you repeat, still shocked by her sudden appearance. In one swift motion, you pick her up and hold her underneath her forelegs like a puppy in front of the mirror, where two little pony crotchtits say hi.

“I don't see a dick there, so you shouldn't even be in here!”

She giggles and wiggles her back hooves a bit. “Of course I don't have a dick Non-non, I'm a girl pony! That'd just be weird!”

Oh for the love of—

Before your brain can muster up a response to that, you hear a toilet flush and one of your co-workers steps out of one of the stalls…

Oh Jesus this is awkward. You don't know what to do so you just stand there frozen in place holding Pinkie. He walks up next to you and starts washing his hands in the adjacent sink.

“Hey Anon, you see that game last night? It was total ref-ball for the first half; what a disgrace.”

“Yeah...” you let out some nervous laughter. “Yeah, I read about it. What can you do though?”

“Yeah, I hear ya. Hey, Linda and I are having a BBQ this weekend, you up for stopping by? Pinkie, you can come too if you like.”

She beams. “A party? I dunno ~~~ofcourseI'llcome!”

“Haha, great, I'll catch you guys later. Don't work too late, the commute after 5:30's been really bad lately. See ya!”

He leaves and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. Crisis averted. You set Pinkie down and she immediately begins hopping in circles around you.

“You heard what he said! We need to be quick! C'mon c'mon let's go let's go let's go!”

There’s no more denying it now… this is a lost cause. You might as well come to terms with the fact that you're not getting any more work done today. Reluctantly, you follow Pinkie to the main entrance, put on your overcoat, grab your Fine +1 Longsword of Burning and step out into the streets.

Immediately three giant wasps descend on you.

The first one bursts into flames as you slash it. Nice. You may be eating ramen until your next paycheck but this sword was worth every penny. Pinkie easily dodges the second one and smashes its thorax with a frying pan she pulled from somewhere.

“Hey, what gives?! It's not even 5:10 yet and these meanies are already buzzing around!”

You cough, the stench of roasted bug guts in the air turning your stomach. “They’ve been getting worse lately. Jenny in HR said she saw one chasing the UPS delivery guy in the middle of the day yesterday.”

“Bleh, that's no fun!” Pinkie whips around and smashes the third wasp in the face before it can gore her. “Woo hoo! Bullseye!”

As she celebrates, the burning corpse of the first wasp explodes and a steel helm, a pair of bracers, and 1326 gold spill forth from its body. The party pony hops over to the loot and with a well-placed kick of her hoof, she knocks the helmet into the air and allows it to land on her head.

“Ehhhh... this has a nice armor bonus but it lowers my dodge chance from 340% to 338%. It might work better for you, Non-non.”

“Nah, it looks like a downgrade to one I've already got at home. Let's just grab the gold and go.”

Leaving the office behind, the two of you set out into the wilderness. Surprisingly, you make good time from the Downtown Financial District to the entrance of the Forsaken Plains, the undisputed hot spot where all best bars are.

…At least until an unfamiliar orange mare with a trio of apples on her flank and a Stetson between her ears stands in your way.

“Anon! Ah finally found ya!” she exclaims.

Pinkie hops in front of you, adopting a battle stance. “Uh oh Non-non, this is a boss encounter for sure! Be careful around her back hooves, the strategy guide says her buck ignores armor and has an 80% crit chance!”

The orange pony makes no move to attack, but she does not look amused.

“Pinkie, if ya found Anon why didn't ya activate yer beacon gem like we talked about before this mess started?”

The pink menace rolls her eyes and turns her head away in a huff. “Because FUN, AJ.”

“Oh fer Celestia's sake...”

The pony pulls out some kind of gemstone and smashes it on the ground in front of you, releasing a strange mist that you can't help but inhale. Your vision blurs for a moment and your mind reels before everything returns to normal.

You massage your temples, trying to force the headache away. Something’s wrong about all this… something…

“A...Applejack? Where are we? What... what have I been doing?”

Pinkie still looks away and mumbles something about party-poopers as Applejack approaches.

“We're in a dream, darlin'. Yer dream, ta be precise. Most of the girls and ah've been lookin' all over fer ya.”

You blink. “A dream? Yeah, now that I think about it things have been a little... nonsensical lately. More so than usual.”

Applejack places a different colored gem on the ground and smashes it. The scenery around the three of you begins to warp and fade, and when things stabilize you find you've been returned to a familiar looking forest glade.

“We marked this lil' spot as the ‘nexus’. ‘Least that’s what the Princess called it. The other girls oughta be along in a bit.”

You walk over to a nearby tree, lean against the trunk and let out a tired sigh.

“Seems like my dreams have just become a little pony playground lately. Luna’s behind this, right? Is-is she here?”

AJ removes her hat and gives you the kind of guilty look you'd get from your dog after they'd chewed on something they weren't supposed to. Several beads of sweat begin to form on her brow.

“Well... ya see, this ain't a normal dream. Yer... yer kinda in a coma, Anon. Princess Luna sent us here an' we've been lookin' all over the dreamscape fer ya so we can pull ya out of it.”

WHAT

Pinkie perks up out of her funk and bounces up to you to give your leg a sympathy hug.

“Awww, Non-non, do you miss Luna? Sorry she couldn't be here, but she had a reeeeal important job too! Her and Twilight and Rarity are busy trying to piece your pelvis back together, so it was up to us to come find you!”

W-H-A-T

You look back to Applejack who now seems to be sweating bullets.

“Eheh eheheh... uh... ah don't guess ya rightly remember it but ah kinda...”

“She LITERALLY bucked you into a coma, Anon! Bwaahahahahaha!”

A rainbow-maned pegasus swoops down into the glade and trots toward your group. “By the way AJ, 'grats on being the one to pop his cherry! I'd kinda figured Fluttershy would get 'em first. I guess I owe Rarity 50 bits now.” She holds up her hoof for a hoofbump but Applejack shies away.

“Consarn it, Rainbow! This ain't somethin' ta be proud of! Ah got way too carried away an' ended up hurtin' him an' ah feel terrible about it!”

Dash rolls her eyes. “Uh, that's kinda why most of the stallions in town are afraid of ya, you know.”

Pinkie gasps. “Dashie! That's not nice!”

“Well it's true!”

The mares banter in the background while you stare down at your hands, eyes unfocused, having tuned out their conversation completely.

Oh god. It's all coming back to you.

Back on Earth you'd heard firsthand accounts from war vets about what PTSD and flashbacks were like, but never really fully comprehended it. Now? Now you can. You've lived through your own personal 'Nam, but with marshmallow rapist ponies instead of the VC and maregasms instead of explosions.

The horror...

The h—wait. You're forgetting something here. Pinkie, Applejack and Rainbow are with you. Luna, Twilight, and Rarity are probably closely scrutinizing your junk while supposedly fixing your shattered pelvis in the real world. But in that case…

“Where's Fluttershy?”

In response to your question, the branches of the tree you're leaning against wrap you in a comforting hug.

“I'm-I'm right here, sweetie. No matter where you go I'll always be by your side.”

You know, a normal man would probably run and freak out at this kind of thing. But really, it's par for the course for you. Instead of losing it, you take a deep, calming breath and casually knock the fluttertree over, causing two yellow hooves wiggle frantically from the hollow base of the trunk as she tries to right herself.

Well, that answers that. At least she's not able to cause too much trouble if you know where she is. As Pinkie hops over and begins pulling on Fluttershy's hooves to free her from the fake tree, Applejack trots up to you, ears folded back and tears welling in her eyes.

“A-Anon? Can ya ever forgive me? Ah understand if ya won't, but ah'm mighty sorry this all happened. Ah just get so pent up sometimes, an' like Rainbow said most of the stallions around are a mite intimidated by me, so when ah saw ya just sleepin' there an' ripe for the pickin' ah just couldn't help myself…”

You look down at the trembling and sniffling orange pony in front of you. These fucking ponies… they're so cute they could probably burn down an orphanage and it'd be tough not to forgive them. You open your mouth to speak but before you can even get a word out the newly freed Banana Hush leaps and attaches herself to your body in a death hug, her four hooves securely wrapped around your waist. She looks up at you and squees, then turns her head toward Applejack and adopts a stern expression.

“I'm afraid sorry isn't going to cut it this time, Missy! You should be ashamed of yourself! Rape is a very serious crime with very serious consequences! What would your big brother and little sister and Granny say if they knew what you've been up to? They'd be ashamed!”

You feel a buttery hoof grope your right ass cheek.

“I know we all have urges sometimes! Especially urges for hot, hot monkey dick and the delicious, intoxicating salty nectar that comes out when you sneak into his bedroom just before he wakes up to play with it, but you need to learn to control yourself better!”

Okay, that explains your lack of morning wood lately.

“You need to seriously go think about what you've done before you ask Anon for forgiveness. And I'm saying this to you as a good friend, not because I'm super, super jealous that you got to ride his pleasure rocket for as long as you wanted, experiencing m-maregasm after mind-shattering maregasm until both your body and mind w-were reduced to quivering piles of mush... oh-oh my...”

And then she starts drooling on your shirt. Acting quickly, you peel the promiscuous pegasus from your pants before they get stained by flutterjuice. Even in a dream the smell's impossible to get out.

“Fluttershy, again, you're the last creature in the entire universe who should be giving someone else this lecture. And Applejack, I'll forgive you if you promise to go somewhere and clop when you get horny instead of jumping me, okay?”

You look at the assembled ponies to see if they've been listening and are greeted with a disconcerting sight.

Pinkie Pie: Eyes shining with mischief and a dopey grin on her face. Rainbow Dash: Wings erect, mouth hanging open. Applejack: Blushing so hard her face is about to catch on fire, eyes darting back and forth between you and the ground. Fluttershy: Panting, massive wingboner, back hooves twitching back and forth.

Oh fuck, she must’ve gotten them riled up with her speech. You suddenly feel very vulnerable, and you casually start to back away.

“No. No, no, no, no, no. NO.”

For fuck's sake Anon, never show them fear, it just encourages them!

Just as you're about to break into a full blown sprint, the sky above you darkens and a massive bolt of lightning scorches the ground in front of you. When your temporary blindness subsides you open your eyes to see...

“Luna!”

She grins. “Indubitably!”

For the first time you're really, really happy to see Moon Horse. The other ponies stop in their tracks and bow.

“Greetings, fair Anonymous! We are happy to report that the operation was a success and you shall fully recover within a day's time. Magic's borderline obsessive knowledge of human anatomy and Generosity's fine precision during reassembly were indeed most helpful.”

Words. Words cannot describe this joy. Not only did she just inadvertently save you from an impending miniature horse gangbang but she also managed to fix your body! Since you can't find anything to say, you do the next best thing and walk over to Luna and give her a big hug.

Embarrassed, she blushes, flaps her wings once and shuffles her hooves a bit. “W-we missed you too, Anonymous.”

Breaking from the hug, she trots over to Applejack, who looks up from her bow nervously.

“Honesty, it seems you and the others have succeeded in recovering Anonymous from the dreamscape. As a result, we keep to our word and shall not curse the Apple family with unending nightmares for the next seven generations. But don't let it happen again.”

She gulps. “Y-yes, Princess.”

“As for the rest of you, well done, your service is appreciated. Awaken.”

Luna's horn glows and Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack turn transparent and begin to fade away.

“Bye Non-non, I'll see you at your 'You Bucked Applejack and Lived to Attend this Party' party later!”

“Later, Anon!”

“Ah'll bake ya an apology pie tomorrow an' have Applebloom bring it by on the way ta school. Sorry again!”

And with that, the three of them are gone. But wait...

“Hey, what about Fluttershy?”

Luna gives you an apologetic look. “Unfortunately, were you to awaken at this time you would be in quite a bit of pain, so you must continue to sleep for now, Anonymous. In order to ensure that you do not awaken one of us must stay within the dream to keep you occupied. Caring for your injuries has put us quite behind in our royal duties so we cannot, but since Kindness is now a herdmate she is appropriate for this task.”

Oh. Fuck. No. You dive at Luna’s hooves, latching on to one in desperation.

“Wait, wait, wait, please, I'll take the pain, just wake me up now!”

The Princess shakes her head. “We are sorry, Anonymous, but it is too great a risk. We shall return to you when our duties are done. For now, please try to relax,” she glances at Fluttershy. “And Kindness, remember to be gentle with him.”

“Yes, Princess,” oh god if her smile gets any bigger she’d resemble the Cheshire Cat himself.

“Very good then. We shall away! Fare thee well, Anonymous, Kindness!”

Another bolt of lightning strikes and she's gone.

And now it's just you and Butter Squeak.

“I-It begins, Anon my sweet.”

Yeah, it's kind of a paradox. It constantly begins, and yet it never ends. Maybe one day you'll understand what you did to deserve this.

Until that day comes, it looks like you’ll be constantly on the run from these little ponies, both in your daily life and now even in your dreams. As you’ve come to find, there’s no use dwelling on it. If this is how it’s gonna be, then this is how it’s gonna be.

You stretch your legs as Fluttershy spreads her wings.

…But that doesn’t mean you can’t make her earn it. And hey, maybe the chase’ll give you time to think of ways to get back at Luna for this.

The thought of it causes you to crack a smile, and then you’re off like the wind, through the forest of your dreams, an obsessed, starry-eyed butter yellow pegasus hot on your trail.

4 - A Stroll Through the Swamp

A tear rolls down your cheek and patters on the wooden table’s surface. Yeah, you’re crying right now, and why wouldn’t you be?

There’s no easy way to say it. You were tied up and fucked by Applejack for hours. Your pelvis was pounded into paste by her prodigious pony plot and you fell into a coma from the pain. To make matters worse, within said coma you were Fluttershy's plaything for a while (though you certainly made her work for it).

It’s undeniable that the mental and physical scarring you’ve suffered from these events will remain with you for quite some time.

But the reason you’re crying right now is because…

IT WAS ALL WORTH IT!

As promised, Applejack's little sister dropped off an 'apology pie' this morning on her way to school. It looked pretty normal. You actually set it aside without eating any because you had other chores to do.

But then you figured, hey, why not try a slice?

And oh, guess what, it turns out it's THE BEST THING YOU'VE EVER EATEN IN YOUR LIFE!

You abandoned etiquette and utensils after the first bite and have since had your face smashed into the thing, inhaling chunks of delicious crust and apple-y flavored filling like a goddamn animal.

How does that crazy orange country horse do it? No wonder Apple family products are in such high demand. Suddenly, Rainbow's antics during cider season don't seem so ridiculous anymore, because you'd gladly go through the whole ordeal all over again for another one of these delicious, delicious pies...

Your body screams at you to take a much needed breath, and you reluctantly raise your head from the pie tin. But before you can dive back in to nirvana itself, a raucous knocking at your front door gives you pause.

“Whoever it is, come back tomorrow!” you yell. “I'm busy ascending to the next plane of existence!”

“I brought you a letter~!”

Uh oh. You definitely know that voice, and the sound of it spurs you to get up and immediately run to answer the door before—

Nope, too late. A blonde-tailed gray-toned pony ass smashes its way through the window you just had fixed.

“Hi Anon! You've got mail! Oh, and your door wasn't opening for some reason so I made you an emergency exit. It never hurts to be prepared!”

You glance over at the shattered window, then back to the smiling mailmare.

“Th-Thanks, Derpy...”

The loopy pegasus erratically hovers and spins in the air as she searches her mailbags for your letter. She comes dangerously close to knocking over several pieces of furniture before you instinctively grab her and pull her close to try and stem this month's ever growing property damage insurance claim.

Derpy looks up at you (and at the far wall) with a letter in her mouth and smiles before she reaches out with her hooves for a hug. You oblige her, then set her down and take the letter for yourself.

“Thanks Anon, that's why you're one of my favorite ponies, um, people on my route. You're so patient with me and give the best hugs,” she says with a smile.

Awww! Your heart!

“That letter looks real fancy, I hope it's something good.”

Derpy trots over to the door and you open it for her so she can get back on her way. She steps onto your porch and begins revving her wings to fly off, but abruptly stops and turns back to you one last time.

“Oh yeah, you should probably call the exterminator ponies soon, Anon. There's a reaaaaally big bug on your ceiling and I think it hissed at me when I was hugging you.”

You look back at your kitchen to the bug she's talking about. Yeah, it's actually Fluttershy in a ninja costume stuck to the ceiling with toilet plungers. You've known she was there for a while, but the pie was too good for you to give a shit. She won't do anything anyway because she thinks if she doesn't move she's invisible to you.

“Don't worry, Derpy. I've got a rolled up newspaper with that bug's name on it,” you say, giving her a pat on the head just for the heck of it.

“It must be a pretty famous bug to be in the newspaper! Bye Anon, have a good day!”

And with that, Derpy takes off at an impossible angle, smashes into a lamp post, and continues on her way, waving to you all the while. You smile and wave back until she disappears around the bend.

Closing the door behind you, you tear open the envelope and inspect its contents. It’s just as you thought: one first class train ticket to Canterlot, courtesy of the Princess of the Night. You'd agreed on a dinner date during one of your dreams together, after all, and you're actually pretty damn excited about this, even though it's still a few days away.

You return to the kitchen. There are a few things to do betw—

… … …

Time stops...

… … …

...And your eyes meet Ninjashy's as she pulls her snout from your pie. A delicious gooey apple slice slides from her muzzle and clatters in the now mostly empty tin.

You feel a primal scream welling up inside you, but you remain silent. She stands absolutely still, hoping against hope that she's blended in to the environment, but she's wearing all black at 10:00 in the morning so it's fucking pointless. Sensing the jig is up, she puts on the biggest fake smile she can muster while sweating profusely, and with a glance between you and the pie tin a few times she lets out a nervous laugh.

“Um... i-indirect kissu~?”

Your hand securely clamps down on her spandex-clad neck scruff and you drag her, without much struggling to be had, to the front door.

“Sayonara, Flutter-chan. You shall now go to meet your ancestors.”

You shattered your flutterpunt distance record that day.

~~~~~~~~~

After mourning the remains of your pie, you focus back on the tasks at hand. You'll need to see Rarity to get some new formal clothes since Pinkie vomited an entire bottle of wine and half a buffet spread on your last set during the dinner where you first met Luna. (It’s a long story.)

And speaking of Pinkie, there's a Pinkie party in your honor tonight. Something about you surviving your intimate encounter with Applejack, the thought of which still causes a shiver to run down your spine. Attendance to a Pinkie Party where you happen to be the guest of honor is mandatory for the entire duration, something you found out the hard way. (It’s a long story.)

And speaking of mandatory events, tomorrow is your weekly cultural study session with Twilight. It might be worth hitting the history books to see if you can gain any more insight into what Luna likes so you can surprise her with a gift. This should go well as long as Twilight doesn't find out what you're doing and try to help. (Yeah, it’s a long story.)

You mull all this over on the way to Carousel Boutique. Normally you'd think this first task involving placing an order with Rarity wouldn't be a big deal. In 'n out in five minutes tops and then on to the next thing, right?

Wrong, retard. You and Rarity hate each other's guts. She's still generous with you, to a fault really. She's provided you with practically all your clothes and has always been there when you've needed her...

…But that still doesn't change the fact that she thinks you're a brutish uncultured barbarian unfit to stand in her presence and constantly reminds you of that fact every time you get within speaking distance. To be fair, you think she's a whiny prissy fake stuck up bitch so needless to say you don't spend a lot of time around each other if you can help it.

The entrance bell jingles as you open the door and you see a frazzled looking Rarity descend the stairs to greet you.

“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where everything is— oh, it's just you.”

“Well hello to you too, miss customer service.”

“Don't get snippy with me, Anonymous,” she huffs. “I am not in the mood for it today. First, a high profile client places an impossible to fill order, then I hear a wayward pegasus crash into my roof, and now you are here. I dare not even think about what this string of bad luck will throw at me next.”

‘Wayward pegasus’, huh? You chuckle. Oh, Derpy.

Rarity sits down at her workbench and takes several large gulps of what's probably cold coffee by now.

“I'll try to make this easy for you then,” you say, taking a seat nearby. “I need another suit made like the one I wore at the Canterlot dinner a while back. You already know what happened to the last one.”

She shudders. “Don't remind me. Pinkie is a darling but she's capable of... horrendous things… when placed in a formal setting. Many a fabulous outfit has met its end at her hooves.”

“Yeah, I can imagine. Anyway, you have my measurements already from the last suit, so just tell me how much I owe you and I'll be on my way. I don't need it until Saturday.”

She perks up instantly. “Saturday? You mean it's not for your party tonight? Whatever might you be doing on Saturday that would require one such as yourself to pretend to have the slightest bit of sophistication, hmmm Anonymous?”

She gets up and starts to circle you like a shark. Nice try, Squiggletail, but you won't be revealing any gossip if you can help it.

“None of your business. Do you want the job or not?”

She stops and nonchalantly touches up her mane. “Well dear, if I forego your project I'll stand a better chance of actually completing my very important client's order on time. But if it's for a friend with a legitimate need, I just can't say no. We are friends, are we not, darling?”

She's not going to relent unless she gets some kind of answer. Begin operation: lie your ass off.

“I'm... I'm going to surprise Fluttershy with an invitation to dinner in town and I wanted to look presentable, alright? I don't see why this matters.”

“PPFfffft! HA! BULLSHIT, DARLING!”

You crack a smile and she immediately blushes and falters a bit at her uncouth outburst. “A-Ahem. That is to say, that is the worst lie I've ever heard, and I've known Applejack for most of my life. Just tell me. The quicker you tell me, the quicker you can leave.”

“Sorry, but if you're not interested I'll find someone else. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate anyway.”

You start toward the open door but a pale blue glow surrounds it and slams it shut. You turn back to see the fashionista looking quite peeved.

“Anonymous. Do you really believe you'll find another seamstress in this podunk little village capable of making a suit to your body type, with this deadline, let alone one capable of making it look good? Let's not fool ourselves here. You wouldn't be coming to me if you didn't need this...” She assumes an approximation of a haughty Canterlot-pony pose. “But it is unladylike to pry, so I'll let you have your little secret for now.”

Huh, that was easier than expected.

“Thanks. 100 bits should be enough to cover it, right?”

“Of course.”

You place the bag of bits on her workbench and turn to leave.

“Ah-ah-ah, and where do you think you're going? I'll need to take some measurements before you leave. Remove your clothes and stand over there, please.”

You feel a chill run down your spine. Not again...

“You already have them.”

She puts on her best apologetic smile. “And I seem to have misplaced them, darling…”

It never fails... this happens every fucking time. You know that if you argue with her about it you'll just be wasting more time, so you begrudgingly strip down to your boxers and scowl at her to make your annoyance known.

She levitates her work glasses, some measuring tape and a pad and pencil and goes to work.

And of course, before long you feel her magic tugging at your boxers.

“I'll need you to remove these as well. I'm still not used to measuring the inseam for bipeds.”

You instantly clutch the band to keep her from pulling them down.

“No, the underwear stays. Just work around it.”

She laughs. “Come now, it's not as if you're hiding anything impressive there anyway. I had more than a good look at it while I was piecing your bones back together under Twilight and Princess Luna's direction. I honestly don't understand why Fluttershy and Applejack are so enamored with the thing.”

Both your hands travel to the waistband to keep it in place. “That's great, but this is non-negotiable. If I take these off Fluttershy will find a way to steal them. I don't have many pairs left!”

Rarity braces herself and increases the strength of her telekinesis. “You're being ridiculous, and I won't compromise my vision by having inaccurate measurements! Let go!”

“Hell no, you let go!”

“What is the problem?! It's only nudity, and you certainly didn't mind being naked yesterday!”

“I was unconscious at the time!” you yell back, still fighting her magic.

The glow around Rarity’s horn immediately ceases. “Oh? Is that what it's going to take? I'm no Twilight Sparkle, but I think I can oblige...”

Her horn shimmers again as she charges another spell. Nope, not gonna happen. You've dealt with crazy unicorns before so you know what to do.

“SLEE—!!”

Your hand reaches forward and you flick the tip of her horn before she can finish casting.

“W-waaaaaah!! You imbecile!”

Rarity's eyes go wide, sparks fly everywhere, the room explodes with light and...

“What. Have. You. DONE?!”

You survey the scene before you.

“...Nothing that couldn't have been avoided by you not going full Fluttertard trying to get into my pants.”

“UGH!”

So yeah, you're thigh deep in some kind of creepy swamp now. It's night and when a cloud happens to pass over the moon it becomes pitch black to the point where you can’t see your hand in front of your face. It's humid, feels gross, you're surrounded by evil looking eyes from the shadows and weird animal noises, and your shins are probably covered in leeches by now.

But otherwise things are great! And at least you have your boxers!

Rarity, well... Rarity's not doing so good. 'Thigh deep' to you is 'chest deep' to her. All you can see is her head, neck, the white top of her back, and part of her now soaked tail floating on top of the muck. She's shaking with rage and/or fear. Probably both.

“A-Anonymous...” she sniffles as looks up at you, bottom lip quivering, and you return the soggy marshmallow horse's gaze.

“Carry me...”

Hahahahahaha, good one. Like that's gonna happen!

~~~~~~~~~

Okay, you've been carrying Rarity bridal style around this endless fucking swamp for half an hour now. This officially sucks.

Thankfully, you've managed to stumble across an island. Finally, you're out of the swamp and on solid ground. You set Rarity down and collapse against a tree.

“Ugh, this humidity has ruined my mane,” she says as she pats the offending clump of hair. “I bet I look positively ghastly.”

You shrug. “No worse than usual, I guess.”

“Funny.”

“It was a compliment.”

The two of you turn from each other and stare out into the surrounding darkness. Yep, the countless evil eyes are still out there watching you, though they've made no move to approach so far. The insect noises echoing throughout the swamp are almost downright oppressive, and after several minutes of giving each other the silent treatment, you feel compelled to say something if only to drown them out.

“So, here's something I don't understand. You say you're no Twilight, but you're obviously powerful enough to teleport us to this crazy swamp. You sure you're not some kind of unicorn prodigy or something?”

She laughs. “Hardly! You caused me to miscast a sleep spell, Anonymous. Though I spent most of my time in magic class sketching dress designs instead of studying, I'm certain we're currently asleep on the floor of the Boutique, likely in an embarrassingly compromising position. Ugh, if Sweetie Belle comes home from school and sees us I'll never hear the end of it...”

“So this is some kind of shared dream?”

“I suppose. Sleep is a basic spell in the dream school, but I was never able to wrap my horn around true dream magic. I'm sure Twilight could tell us exactly what's happening and why, but it seems to be just us here.”

You gesture to the eyes in the darkness and Rarity gulps. “...And them. I haven't had a good nightmare like this in a while. Plenty of waking nightmares, such as that Canterlot dinner disaster recently, but most of my dreams tend to be pleasant.”

You lean back and close your eyes. “My life is just one unending nightmare lately. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm asleep or not.”

“Oh, I-I'm sorry to hear that. But if you let me, Momma'll make it all better...”

What?

“Okay... that's a pretty creepy thing to say, Rarity.”

“But I didn't...” she whines.

Your eyes snap open and you nearly have a damn heart attack at the sight before you.

“Fluttershy!”

“Fluttershy, darling!”

Yep, it's Yellowquiet, standing between the two of you with a bashful smile. She doesn't have a drop of swamp water on her either, lucky-ass pegasus.

“Are you having a good time with Rarity, Anon?” she coos.

“I... guess?”

“Do you love her?”

You and Rarity exchange a look. “Fluttershy, dear, is something wrong?”

She blushes and hides behind her mane. “Is vore your fetish?”

You facepalm. Even here she never lets up.

“No, Fluttershy.”

She giggles. “Oh, that's too bad, because really I want you to become a part of me. Come and give Momma a kiss, Anon...”

What happens next you'll remember for the rest of your life.

Fluttershy's jaw unhinges and expands to five times its size, revealing three repeating rows of saliva-coated razor sharp fangs. From the depths of her hellish maw emerges an even smaller Fluttershy head, like something out of fucking Alien, that hisses at you and chirps out a high pitched 'Yay'.

You just barely have time to leap away before she lunges, ripping a huge chunk out of the ground where you were just moments ago. Rarity lets out a blood curdling scream at the sight. You don't even think, you just grab the terrified marshmallow pony and fucking run.

As you book it as fast as you can through the swamp, the ever-watching eyes begin to converge on you from the shadows. It's an entire army of Fluttershys! One by one their jaws expand, allowing the smaller Flutterheads to emerge and add to the chorus of yays echoing through the trees.

This is the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING. You'd try to hide, but they're everywhere!

“Anonymous! What should we do?!”

“Do you know a spell to wake us up?”

“Of course not!”

“Then we run!”

You continue as fast as you can in one direction. Eventually the swamp disappears and your feet find solid ground, increasing your speed and slowing your pursuers due to the thicker tree cover.

“We might be able to lose them in the dark here if the moon gets covered again...” you say, more to convince yourself than Rarity, while you continue to run. Your eyes frantically search for a good place to hide amidst the tress, but a deafening roar brings your attention forward.

The ground rumbles, several trees are uprooted, and an unholy abomination emerges: a Giant Flutterpede, its one hundred disgusting marshmallowly legs wriggling in the moonlight...

Okay, seriously? Seriously?!

There's nowhere left to run. You clutch the trembling Rarity to you in an attempt to comfort both her and yourself in your final moments together. This is it. This is how you die. You close your eyes and feel a tingling sensation like lightning wash over your body as your last adrenaline reserves kick in and you come to a decision.

If you're going down, you're going down fighting. Goddamn fucking Flutters—

“Ah, Generosity! There you are! Oh, and fair Anonymous as well!”

Your eyes snap open and there sitting next to you is...

“Luna!”

“Princess?!”

Luna looks at the two of you with a puzzled expression.

“Is this a bad time?” She narrows her eyes. “We are not... interrupting anything, are we?”

You point to the Giant Flutterpede behind you, then back to the rapidly approaching FlutterAliens.

She blinks. “Ah, how horrifying. Perhaps we should flee?”

You nod once, and then the three of you are off, following Luna's lead through a path you didn't notice before. As you book it through the forest, the alicorn slows her pace a bit to run beside you and addresses the shell-shocked Squiggletail in your arms.

“Generosity, we are here to check on the status of our dress for this evening's festivities. How goes the design?”

Rarity immediately perks up like nothing's wrong. “Oh Princess, it's simply smashing! Even though it's a bit subtle compared to my usual works, I can guarantee you'll love it! I just need to put a few finishing touches here and there and it'll be perfect!”

Damn, one mention of fashion and she drifts into a whole other world...

“Luna, can you get us out of here?” you ask, hoping for some kind of miracle. “Or maybe do something to stop these things?”

She ponders. “Hmmm? Oh, yes, of course, though we need time to charge the spell in order to extract all three of us. You shall need to distract them somehow.”

Shit, looks like this is up to you, Anon. No pressure, right?

“Oh yes,” Moon Horse continues. “We should also mention that to die within a magically-induced dream such as this will also cause one to expire in the waking world, so try to avoid that.”

Yeah, if you haven't shit your pants already it's definitely happening now.

Luna veers off toward a forest clearing and you follow. Her horn shines, countless ancient looking runes begin to appear beneath her hooves, and her eyes glow with pure magic as she looks to you.

“We need two minutes and no less, Anonymous.”

You nod, setting Rarity down on the grass near Luna. Her expression clearly shows that she understands what must be done while she silently pleads with you not to go. Smiling, you bend down and ruffle her long since messed up mane.

“Don't give me that look, Squiggletail. I know we'll meet again on the other side, and I'll be expecting that suit to be perfect when I get there.”

She nods, several tears escaping her beautiful blue eyes.

You stand and turn toward the approaching Flutterspawn. You know the score here. You don't even stand a chance against one of the smaller ones, let alone the Giant Flutterpede.

But you don't have to.

Though you can't see it, Rarity gasps and Luna cracks a large smile as you remove your boxers, the only article of clothing you have, and hold them triumphantly aloft.

That's right. Even though they're monsters, these are still as part of their most basic nature, Fluttershys.

And as the boxers flap in the breeze, countless eyes follow their every move.

You let go, and the wind carries them straight into the maw of the Flutterpede. The gruesome act of cannibalism that follows should not be repeated here, or anywhere else, ever.

EVER.

Let's just say it bought you enough time for Luna to port you out and leave it at that.

~~~~~~~~~

You blink your eyes and find yourself back in the Carousel Boutique with Rarity laying next to you and Luna standing nearby. As soon as she regains consciousness, the unicorn leaps into your arms, crying.

“Anonymous! You cad, you brute, you fool, you brave, brave ape! I don't want to see you ever do something so reckless again!”

You sigh and pat her back. “Hey, hey, we made it, right? That's what matters.”

She sniffles and hugs you tighter. It's kind of funny. You walked in here today hating Rarity, and now you feel strangely close to her. It's amazing what a horrific life or death experience will do for a relationship.

And then you notice Luna in the corner with a hoof over her mouth barely containing her laughter. She collapses on the ground in a fit of giggles, her hoof banging on the floor and tears of mirth flowing from her eyes.

“Huzzah! Th-thou actually believed it! 'To die in a dream is to die in truth?!' 'Tis the most absurd thing imaginable and thou dids't... Ah-Ahahahahahahahahaha~!”

What. You look to Rarity and she seems just as incredulous as you.

“P-Princess... you can't mean...”

“You were responsible for all this?!” you both shout.

Luna holds her hooves up defensively. “N-no, no, do not misunderstand, Anonymous, Generosity. We did not create the dream, nor did we influence it. We truly came here to check on our dress and found the two of you collapsed on the floor and under the influence of weak dream magic. We entered the dream and found you in the middle of the attack in the forest. But at no time were you in any danger; were you to be eaten you would have simply woken up as in a normal dream. We only meant to poke fun, but Anonymous' reaction and his plan... they were oh so delightful! We just... we can't... hahahahaha~!”

Oh she's gonna pay for this later, that's for sure. You share a knowing glance with Rarity. Yep, big time.

Marshmallow Pone stands and fluffs her mane a bit. “Ugh. Still, I can't believe it. That dream was absolutely dreadful! What kind of subconscious could conjure up such a sickening vision, I wonder?” You catch her playful smirk out of the corner of your eye.

Luna yawns. “Oh, in truth it was neither of you. Generosity, you failed a minor sleep spell, correct?” Rarity nods. “Under normal circumstances those affected would not dream at all and simply wake after a minute or so. In order for the caster or a bystander to be pulled into a dream there must already be a dreamer close by.”

“But... whoever could it be? Sweetie's been at school all morning...”

Luna smiles and heads toward the Boutique's entrance. “Follow and see.”

The three of you walk outside. Luna turns to face the building and looks up. You do the same and...

“Holy shit...”

Fluttershy's hindquarters are sticking out of a hole in the roof, her back legs wiggling a bit as she snores. You actually did it... you punted Fluttershit all the way from your house to Rarity's shop! You didn't just shatter your old record... you obliterated it!

You silently fist pump. Man, you can't wait to tell Dash at the party tonight. She’s totally gonna flip out!

Rarity sighs and shakes her head at the scene. “Come now Princess, Anonymous. I believe we have a fitting to do, and I still need your measurements...”

One hellish dream is behind you, but you’re confident it won't be your last, due in no small part to the midnight blue alicorn who flashes you a sly wink and mischievous grin as she trots through the door.

Fucking Luna…

5 - Night of Reckoning

You gaze out across the quaint little town of Ponyville from your second floor bedroom window. The sun is setting, the street vendors are packing up their carts, and happy little ponies are heading home to have dinner and relax with their families.

And you? You're about to go to war.

There's a Pinkie Party in the old barn at Sweet Apple Acres in your honor tonight. It’s a small get together between close friends.

Yep. Just you and the crazy ponies that make up Elements of Rape-mony, in a closed up barn, at night, located in a remote and isolated part of the Acres on the edge of the Everfree Forest where no one could hear you scream and escape options are limited should something unpleasant happen, drinking hard cider. You'd have to be a complete moron to go.

Unfortunately, you are a complete moron.

You've weighed the options. If you attend, there is a very good chance you'll be raped by one or more marshmallow horses, but it's not 100% certain. If you don't attend, it is 100% certain that Pinkie Pie will flip the fuck out on you, and that's not something you're ever willing to experience again. So, in the end, you really have no choice.

But if you're going to go to this thing, you're going in prepared. Your gear is neatly spread on top of your bed.

It’s time to suit up.

Inventory

Item: Lucky Boxers
Description: Feels good on your junk. Can be used to distract Fluttershy in an emergency. Increases luck by 10.

Item: Pants
Description: Made out of the advanced composite material known as denim, this article of clothing is extremely durable. Equipped with a complex button/zipper system that can buy time during rape attempts.

Item: Shirt
Description: Protects the upper body, preventing ponies from licking your bare chest. The solid black coloration can help conceal you during a nighttime escape.

Item: Belt
Description: An additional layer of protection against attempts to access the monkey dick, it also acts as an attachment point for other equipment. Difficult for non-unicorns to remove. Can be used as a weapon to punish naughty ponies, but be careful: they might like it.

Item: Socks / Shoes
Description: Allows you to ignore rough terrain while running, much like a pony's hooves. Increases jump by 1. The socks are NOT a fetish item, nor an indication that you're DTF, but no matter how many times you explain it these stupid ponies don't listen...

Item: Enchanted Watch
Description: A sympathetic gift from Celestia after you kidnapped Spike and forced him to send her your 200 page diary detailing the shit you put up with every day one page at a time. The watch makes you immune to all spells from the mind control school such as Want-It-Need-It. You never leave home without it. Also has the capability to tell time.

Item: Smoke Bombs (Qty: 3)
Description: Produces a lingering cloud of smoke when thrown, resistant to both unicorn and pegasi magic, that can act as a distraction or aid in an escape. Also makes you feel like a badass ninja when you use them.

Item: Teleportation Gem (Single Use)
Description: When crushed, this gem will teleport you to a location you've previously designated (currently your home). It takes 10 seconds for the teleport to occur from the moment the gem is crushed, and you must remain stationary during that time.

Item: Hiking Jacket
Description: One of your original possessions. An extremely durable waterproof and windproof jacket made with the latest human technology. Increases odds of survival during a wilderness escape.
Warning: Wearing it will cause Rarity and Twilight to sperg out. Also increases sex appeal by 50.

Item: Flashlight (90% Battery Remaining)
Description: One of your original possessions. Produces a focused beam of light when activated. Can be used to blind ponies, but only if you shout 'Solar Flare!' when you do so.

Item: Hip Flask filled with SAA's finest reserve (100% Remaining)
Description: A known untainted source of liquid refreshment. Quenches your thirst and gives you a nice buzz to help you deal with these fucking rapist ponies.
Warning: Don't overdo it.

It's time.

You step into the streets of Ponyville as the moon begins its ascent behind you. The ponies still out and about can sense your determination as you begin your trek toward the Acres. One stallion even removes his hat and salutes you as you pass.

There are only two possible outcomes tonight: you either get raped or you don't. And despite your recent muddled views on horsefuckery, you're fairly certain Luna is the only pony you want touching your no-no zone.

After 20 minutes of walking you can see the old barn in the distance, and you take a quick swig from your flask in preparation.

Here we go...

Light and music spill forth from the closed barn door. Pinkie sits on a stool outside wearing a party hat and a huge smile, which only gets bigger when she spots you.

“Non-non, you made it! Now we can finally get this party started! C'mon, let's go inside!”

She pulls open the door and you squint as the bright light from inside the barn assaults your eyes. The first thing you see is a giant banner that reads: “Congratulations Anonymous!”, with a smaller banner reading “First creature to buck Applejack and live!” right underneath.

Applejack is sitting off to the side with her hat pulled down in embarrassment, her cheeks redder than Big Mac's coat. Rainbow and Twilight are pestering her with questions, and Twilight even has a scroll and quill floating around taking notes.

On the other side of the room sits Rarity and Fluttershy, chatting with one another and enjoying some cake. Well, more like Rarity's doing all the talking and Fluttershy just mumbles something every now and then.

Pinkie jumps in front of you, nearly scaring you to death. “Look, everypony! The guest of honor has arrived!” She does an exaggerated 'ta-da' motion and five sets of eyes turn your way. You timidly wave at them.

“Uh... hi. Don't mind me, you guys just go back to whatever you—”

Nope. Before you can even finish you're surrounded by little ponies.

“Anon! Please tell me your observations regarding the compatibility of your penis and Applejack's marehood. I'll need it for my—”

“Heh. Hey Anon, nice party huh? Want to try some of this cider with me?”

“Darling! I was just telling Fluttershy about our strange experience in the Boutique today—”

“H-Hey there, partner. Didja like the pie ah sent ya? Ah'm real sorry about—”

“*unintelligible mumbling*”

“Here's your party hat! And some cake! And some punch! And—”

“Whoa, whoa, one at a time!” you shout, raising your hands in defense. They don't listen and move in even closer. You can feel your back make contact with the barn door, and you're starting to panic…

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! They're all over you! Do something, anything!

Your now cake-filled hand starts to slide toward the back pocket where your smoke bombs are concealed, but a loud knock on the door immediately silences the ponies and draws their attention.

Pinkie scratches her head. “Huh, I don't remember sending out any other invitations...”

“Whoever could it be?” Rarity asks.

Applejack's blush deepens. “Whoever it is, just tell 'em ta leave. Ah dunno if ah can take it if anypony else happens ta see that banner...”

Rainbow shrugs. “Eh, it's probably just your brother checking up on us or something.”

Twilight sighs and trots forward. “I'll go see who it is.”

The others step back and you thankfully get a chance to move away from the door as Twilight cracks it open. To everyone’s surprise, she immediately gasps and jumps back about 5 feet before taking a bow.

“P-Princess Luna!”

A faint magical aura surrounds the door and it opens to reveal Luna in a beautiful white sundress and hat instead of her normal regalia. The other ponies immediately bow as well as soon as they see her.

“Luna...”

...is all you can choke out before your voice leaves you. Her outfit reminds you of that famous picture of Marilyn Monroe standing on the steam grate in New York. For the first time you understand the true meaning of the word 'breathtaking'.

Luna scans the scene before her with an unimpressed expression. “...We were told this would be a party, but we see no partying taking place. Were we misinformed?”

Rarity is the first to recover. “Oh Princess, the dress looks so wonderful in the moonlight!” she says as she circles the alicorn, examining the garment. “It's just as I imagined!”

Luna smiles. “It is your work after all, Generosity. It's to be expected.”

She blushes at the compliment. “But weren't you supposed to be attending an important garden party for the Nobility tonight? It's why you commissioned that dress, after all.”

“The Nobles of Canterlot are best suffered in small doses, and such things are more to Sister's liking than ours anyway. We felt we would have more fun here tonight. But... perhaps we were mistaken?”

The others stand from their bows and smile at one another. Pinkie looks like she's about to fucking explode from excitement. Before she can even blink, Luna has a party hat strapped to her sun hat, a slice of cake in her hoof, and a smiling pink pony with a hoof wrapped around her shoulder.

“Well, what are waiting for? LET'S PARTY~!”

The rest of the night proceeds well. With Luna's arrival, your risk of being assaulted dropped to zero and you actually got a chance to cut loose and have fun for once. You spoke with Twilight a bit about the workings of your jacket and flashlight. You chatted with Rarity about the crazy dream you had together and found out the two of you have a few things in common after all. You accepted Applejack's continued apologies and told her how wonderful the pie she sent was. (You have to admit, seeing that pony blush is goddamn adorable.) You drank a bit with Rainbow, and played games with her, Pinkie, Applejack and Luna…

And you even had fairly normal conversation with Fluttershy. She only tried to grope you ONCE!

This... this might be the best night you've had since you came to Equestria. Thank you, Moon Horse!

One interesting thing you discovered about Luna tonight is that she really likes games. She plays even the more childish ones like pin the tail on the pony with great enthusiasm, and not surprisingly, she's a hell of a lot of fun to be around when she herself is having fun. She and Rainbow make a dangerous pranking duo…

You glance at your watch and realize it's nearing 11:00pm. You've been having so much fun the time's just slipped away. The party should be winding down soon, though at this point you’re not sure if you want it to end.

But to your surprise, Pinkie leaps on top of a table and stomps her hooves to get everyone's attention.

“Alright, it's time for the real fun to start!” She drains a long-necked bottle of hot sauce and hops down from the table. “That's right, time for spin the bottle! Everypony get in a circle and we'll spin to see who goes first!”

Uh oh. Starting to feel a little nervous here...

You look at Luna and she looks back at you with an unreadable smile.

Starting to feel a lot nervous here. You reluctantly take a seat in the circle with the others.

“Instead of spinnin' fer it, ah vote that Anon goes first,” Applejack says. “Anypony else agree?”

Six hooves immediately shoot up, Luna included. You can't fucking believe this...

All eyes are on you now. There are a ton of different ways this could quickly get out of hand but you feel like you can't back out now without facing some consequences, especially with Luna going along with it. You reach for the bottle with an unsteady hand...

“Hold, Anonymous. Before we begin, please explain the nature of this game.”

…But Moon Horse’s question stops you. Wait, she didn't know what it was?! Maybe you're safe after all!

“Allow me, Princess.” Oh boy, here comes Twilight Spergle. “In this game, ponies sit in a circle with a bottle in the center. One pony spins the bottle, and whichever pony the narrow end of the bottle points to after it stops spinning has to, um, k-kiss the pony who spun it. Then it's that pony's turn to spin, and so on.”

Luna ponders for a moment. “Intriguing. It appears to be descended from a game we used to play long ago with specially cut gemstones. The basic concept is similar, but the stakes were much, much higher for the participants back then. Would you be interested in playing our version instead?”

The room goes silent. Your jaw drops and you immediately shoot a look of betrayal and despair at Luna, who maintains her serene smile.

Applejack's tail whips back and forth a few times. “'H-Higher stakes', ya say?”

“Um… y-yes, please,” Fluttershy moves a hoof behind her back to try and get her wings to fold down.

Twilight rubs her hooves together. “This could be a good opportunity to advance my studies! Count me in.”

Pinkie bounces in place. “I don't know what we're talking about, but it sounds like fun!”

Rarity blushes. “I... I suppose.”

“I-If everypony else is playing I'm not gonna back out. Bring it on!” Rainbow's sweating and her eyes are darting all over the place. Et tu, Rainbro?

Luna's smile grows even larger. “Huzzah, then it's settled! Anonymous shall go first as was previously decided. Let us begin.”

It's happening. L-Look at the bright side, Anon. There's a chance the bottle could land on Luna! In fact, that's probably what she's planned from the start! Surely she could influence the bottle's movement without Twilight or anyone else catching on...

Yes. You tell yourself that's exactly what's going to happen, because it's the only way you'll work up the courage to go through with this. You close your eyes, take a deep breath, and open them again to see a circle of six sleeping ponies and a faint glow disappearing from Luna's horn.

“W-what?”

The alicorn stands from her position in the circle, trots past the bottle and takes a seat beside you. A quick nuzzle and a kiss on the cheek kick-starts your brain into processing information again, and you turn to her, still somewhat in shock.

“What did you do?”

“They are sleeping, Anonymous. We wanted a chance to speak with you alone. We must confess, Sister shared with us the diary you sent to her prior to our first meeting. It was... quite an entertaining read, indeed, and one of the reasons we took an interest in you. And as a result, we are well aware of your 'problems' regarding the Elements. When Generosity mentioned this gathering between you during the fitting for our dress today, we decided you would appreciate our presence tonight more than the Nobles of Canterlot.”

You blink. “So... so you're saying you ditched some kind of important high class royal party to come out here to a barn in the middle of nowhere and protect me from being raped by these crazy-ass mares?”

She smiles. “In a manner of speaking, yes.”

Holy shit... if that's not true love, then you don't know what is!

Luna leans against you and you wrap an arm around her while you look over the sleeping ponies.

“You know, I guess they're really not so bad when you think about it. Applejack means well, and even Fluttershy has her moments.”

Luna nods. “Yes, despite some of their proclivities, they are good ponies. Equestria is fortunate to have them.”

The two of you just sit there for a while and enjoy the moment together, at least until Luna starts nudging you with a wing.

“Well?” she asks.

“Well, what?”

“Are you not going to take your turn at the game?”

“Wait, we're still playing?”

She scoffs. “Of course we are. We came here to have fun, Anonymous. Go on, spin.”

You shrug. Well, if that's what she wants... you reach forward and spin the bottle. It slows and eventually stops, pointing directly at the sleeping form of Rainbow Dash.

You look back to Luna. “Now what?”

“Now the game begins…” You see her horn start to glow, and you suddenly feel very tired.

~~~~~~~~~

“Ugh, my head...”

With a groan, you roll over and push yourself up into a crouching position. You open your eyes and find yourself on a grassy hill at sunset under the shadow of an apple tree. A field of wheat stretches into in the distance with a forest further beyond. A quick self-check reveals that you still have everything you had in your possession at the party, as if you've been transported directly from there to here.

Looking to your left, you see the prone form of a pony bathed in the light of dusk. You hurry over to find...

“Rainbow! Hey, Rainbow, wake up.”

Her eyes open as you gently shake her. “Hmmm? Huh? Wazzat? Anon?” She blinks a few times and looks around. “Where are we?”

“Beats me.”

You make a full circle around the trunk of the tree but don't find anything of interest, though you notice the sky darkening as you return to Rainbow.

There's a rumble of thunder, a bolt of lightning, and once again Luna stands before you. The fringe of her sun hat is on fire, but she quickly waves a hoof to put it out. Dash chuckles at the display, but a glare from Luna silences her.

The Alicorn Princess gazes into the distance for a few moments, lets out a wistful sigh, and then turns to face the two of you.

“In our youth, this game was called the Trial of Twos, and its purpose was to strengthen the individual bonds of friendship between ponies. Anonymous, Loyalty, your goal is simple: reach this tree together before the next sunset, using whatever means are at your disposal.”

“Ha! That's easy!” Rainbow yells, then quickly bolts over to the tree and places a hoof on the trunk. “C'mon Anon, get over here and we've got this!”

Luna just rolls her eyes. “The game begins when the moon rises, and you will start within the forest, the first of three territories. Each territory will be guarded by two who are bound to that territory.”

“...Guarded by two of what, exactly?” you ask, your curiosity getting the better of you.

She dons a wicked grin. “Ourself and the other Elements, of course. We must warn you Anonymous, we are very good at this game. Your odds of success are low, but we do hope you will try your best.”

“Ha! Try our best?! We'll do better than that! You're going down, Princess!” declares the plucky pegasus. Rainbow's enthusiasm is infectious and you flash a wicked grin of your own.

“Any means necessary, huh? With that rule I don't see how we could lose.”

Luna’s wings flutter with delight. “Most excellent! That is the spirit we hoped for! Let the game begin!”

She charges a spell and in a flash you and Dash find yourselves in the middle of a dense forest. As soon as she gets her bearings, Rainbow flies up past the tree canopy and makes a few circles from the air before returning to you.

“Did you see the tree? How far away are we?”

“Like four or five miles. Two miles of forest, two miles of wheat field, and maybe half a mile of open field where hill with the tree is. We can make that in no time! Let's go, Anon!”

She zooms off into the sky before you can even say anything. You stand there and wait and she returns after about 20 seconds as the last rays of sunlight disappear over the horizon.

“Come on! What's the hold up?” she whines.

“In case you haven't noticed, I don't have wings and it'll be impossible to see where we're going in this forest without any light. If it's as close as you say we can wait until morning to start moving.”

Rainbow lands and crosses her hooves over her chest. “Ugh, fine! But I don't like it.”

You chuckle and pull out your flask. “Do you really want to have to deal with any of the others or Luna in the dark? I sure as hell don't, especially not Fluttershy or Applejack. C'mere, I've got something for us to help pass the time.”

“What is it?” She trots over and you remove the cap. When she takes a sniff of the contents, her expression lights up into a dopey smile. “A-Anon...”

“Hmmm?”

“Don't you know you are my very best friend?”

You just laugh and offer her the first swig.

The two of you spend your time with your backs against a tree laughing, drinking and swapping stories. It gets colder and colder as the night progresses until you can see your breath as you speak. After you've got a good buzz going, you decide to stop drinking as the alcohol is starting to drain heat from your body.

“Hahaha! Wait, you-you really kicked 'Shy all the way from your place to Rarity's? D-Damn Anon, you should try out for a hoofball team!”

“Y-yeah.”

Shit, your teeth are starting to chatter, and it doesn’t escape Rainbow’s notice.

“You cold, Anon?”

“Just a b-b-bit.”

“Oh... pegasi are used to the cold. High altitude flying and all that. Ummmm...” She looks around for a bit. “Hey, I know! Unzip your jacket.”

“Huh?”

“C'mon, don't be a wuss, just do it!”

Hey, why the hell not? Your alcohol-slowed brain didn't send you any warnings, so you comply. Rainbow stumbles up to you and snuggles tightly into your chest.

“Um... o-okay, now zip it back up over me,” she says, her voice becoming a little unsteady.

You do as she asks, and immediately feel a lot warmer.

“Hey, this is great! Thanks, Rainbow.”

You reach up and scratch behind her ear to show your appreciation and her breathing hitches. You can feel her heart pounding a mile a minute and even in the darkness her flushed cheeks are evident. Wow, she must really be drunk. Best to get some rest...

“We should probably go to sleep now,” you say as you try to find a comfortable position against the tree.

“Yeah. Yeah, right,” she whispers back.

Feeling warm and content, you start to drift off.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Mmmm?”

“Um... why do you keep turning 'Shy and AJ away? They're really pretty and I know they both like you. Do you... do you not like ponies like that?”

Man, prior to Luna you could easily answer that question. Now, though...

“I... like ponies. Fluttershy's just really creepy and annoying, and Applejack, uh, raped me, so...”

“So, you mean if the right pony came along you'd...”

“...yeah.”

“Oh. That's cool. Um, 'night Anon.”

“'Night, Rainbow.”

It’s probably nothing, but you could've sworn you heard a squee somewhere in between the chirps of the crickets surrounding you.

~~~~~~~~~

As soon as dawn breaks you're rushing through the forest with Rainbow leading the way. The fact that she can fly above the tree canopy and check your position means you never have to worry about getting lost even without the aid of a compass or map. Talk about convenient; you're never going hiking without a pegasus again! After completing her latest check, she swoops down to fly beside you.

“How much further?”

She smiles. “We’re doing awesome so far! Maybe 2/3rds of a mile until we reach the wheat field!”

“Oooooh!” exclaims the pink pony to your other side. “What do you think we'll find there?”

You shrug. “I dunno, Pinkie.”

Wait, what?

“Pinkie Pie?!” you and Rainbow both scream in unison. Yep, sure enough Pinkie's appeared out of nowhere, hopping beside the two of you.

“Hiya Dashie, hey Non-non! Nice weather we're having today, huh?”

Dash scowls. “What're you doing here, Pinks?”

Pinkie grins. “I'm a distraction!”

Before either of you can react, a bolt of magic flies from a nearby tree and lands a direct hit on Dash, encasing her in a dark red semitransparent bubble. She tries to punch and buck her way out but the shield repels each blow. You stop immediately and try to break it open from the outside with a few kicks of your own, but are met with similar results.

“Don't bother, Anon. It's not possible for either one of you to break that shield.”

“...Autismo...”

“It's TWILIGHT!” Twilight Sparkle yells as she emerges from behind a tree, her eye twitching a bit. “Good job, Pinkie. Everything went just as planned.”

“No problemo, Twilight!” Pinkie jumps on top of the shield trapping Dash. “Yippie, my very own Rain-ball!”

“Pinkie, don't you d—waaaaa!” Pinkie starts nudging the spherical shield around the forest floor, giggling all the while. Poor Rainbow does not look amused.

Twilight just sighs at the sight, then turns back to you with a smug grin. “It was statistically impossible for you two to win this from the start, Anon. Between my magic and Pinkie's unexplainable reality bending powers,” her eye twitches again, “there was nothing you could do. Now that it's all over, I'd like to take this opportunity to gather some data...”

She gives you the patented Sparkle bedroom eyes. “…About human-pony intimate relations.”

You chuckle. “Sorry Twilight, but I'm afraid all your research in that field is going to have to be theoretical.”

“Oh, don't be like that, Anon. I guarantee you'll enjoy it. In fact, I'd say you're going to WANT it. You're going to NEED it...” Her horn ignites and several hearts appear around her in the air.

“I... want you. I need you...” You mutter as if in a trance, your eyes unfocusing and your jaw going slack as you stare at the smug purple pony.

“He he he, yes, exactly as I expected!” Twilight trots to you and rears up, placing her hooves on your chest. “Now, let's start the research with how the difference between pony and human muzzle shapes affects kissing...”

“Let's not.”

You quickly grab Twilight's still-charged horn, prompting a yelp and look of complete shock from her. Without wasting any time, you aim her head toward the still frolicking Pinkie Pie and jack the horn a few times, resulting in an orgasm from Twilight (ew) that launches the stored spell, landing a direct hit on the pink party pony.

You let go of her and Twilight falls to the ground, panting, a look of utter shock on her face. “H-how could you resist it? I was sure I perfected that spell after last time...”

“Sorry, trade secret.”

Her eyes narrow. “I'll... I'll learn eventually, you bucking human... I'll learn everything about you! Don't think you've won just because you managed to surprise me.” She struggles to her hooves to face you, only to be blocked by Pinkie Pie. “Out of the way Pinkie, you're obstructing important research here!”

The party pony doesn't respond.

“Pinkie! Move!”

“Hey, Twilight...,” Pinkie whispers. “I REALLY like your mane.”

“Oh... oh buck.” Without another word, Twilight teleports away and Pinkie bounds after her, disappearing behind a tree. Without the influence of Twilight's magic nearby the shield around Dash fades and you rush over to help her.

“Hey, you okay?”

She smiles at you. “Just a little dizzy. Thanks, Anon. How the hay did you manage to counter that spell?”

You hold up your wristwatch. “A little gift from Celestia.”

“Nice!” The two of you share a brofist as you stand. “Let's keep going!”

~~~~~~~~~

You pass the forest's tree line and stumble into the wheat field before long. The two of you continue for another mile or so unhindered, but you're on edge the entire time.

It'd be easy to hide your average pony in this wheat, and you stick out so far above it they can see you coming from a mile away. Since there's no way to be stealthy, Dash flies next to you in full view. You're making good time though; by the position of the sun it's not even noon.

And then you're tackled in the stomach by an orange and blonde bullet and dragged under the wheat's surface. Shit, this area's like the perfect camouflage for her...

“Anon! Wh-what the hay?!” Rainbow spins around and immediately dives to help you, but discovers she can't move. She quickly turns to find her back hooves ensnared by a series of finely-woven wheat stalk ropes surrounded by a light blue aura before she's dragged under as well.

Looks like you're up against crouching farmer, hidden fashionista here.

“Hey there, sugarcube. We need ta talk.”

You find yourself on your back, a powerful, pretty pony perched atop your pants. This situation seems awfully familiar...

“Let me go, AJ.”

“Ah-ah, no need ta panic. Ah've learned ta control myself better since the last time,” she says as she leans on your chest, her lips inches from your own. “Just hear my offer out.”

“Offer?”

Applejack adopts a distant expression and looks away. “Look, ah'm not as dense as some ponies seem ta think. Ah know you've got eyes for Luna. And ah know a plain old farmpony like me can never compare ta a pony like her. But Anon, if ya give me a chance ah'll give ya everything ah can. How'd ya like ta have home cooked meals every day, the love an' support of a big family, all the ruttin' you could ask fer... if ya say yes, ah'll even let you an' Dash walk outta here right now.”

She goes quiet and glances at you with her beautiful emerald eyes as the wind moves her hat and mane ever so slightly along with the wheat surrounding you. And on that wind, you can hear the faint sounds of Dash struggling with Rarity somewhere else in the field.

The mare gazes directly at you, searching for an answer. “Well, darlin'? Anything ta say?”

“Yeah... just one thing: SOLAR FLARE!”

“ARrrrgh! Consarn it, Anon!”

The beam of your flashlight hits her directly in the eyes and she rears back off-balance. You use the opportunity to push her off, then rush toward the sounds of Dash and Rarity in the distance. Just as you near them, you see Rainbow rocket out of the field, shrugging torn strands of wheat rope from her body.

“RAINBOW DAAAAASSSHHHH!” Holy SHIT Rarity sounds pissed. You can see a sparkle of blue aura close by as she channels another spell, and more wheat ropes begin to coil into the air, ready to strike at Rainbow's blind spot. Thinking quickly, you toss a smoke bomb directly at Rarity's hooves where it ignites, disrupting her aim.

“Ooooh, if this smoke stains my coat you will PAY for this, Anonymous!”

You let out a triumphant laugh just in time to shit yourself at the sight of a pissed off Applejack barreling toward you like a freight train tearing down the tracks at 120 mph.

Well, it was nice knowing you, Anon. You close your eyes and brace for a likely fatal impact. There's a sickening crack that pierces your ears but you don't feel any different...

Your eyes open to see a huge trampled down swath of wheat with AJ and Rainbow wrestling and shouting obscenities at each other in the middle. Rarity appears from the circle's fringe, her mane messed up, her coat a little scorched and bloodlust in her eyes.

Shit, if she gets in on this it's over. There's no way Rainbow can take them both, and there's no way you can jump in without getting your ass wrecked. You bring your fingers to your mouth and let out a high pitched whistle to capture Rainbow's attention, then toss your two remaining smoke bombs between AJ and Rarity.

“Dash, we've gotta go, NOW!”

She doesn't hesitate, using the distraction to escape the fight and pick you up with her forelegs on the way. In no time, the two of you have made it out of the wheat and into the safety of the open field.

~~~~~~~~~

The farmpony and the dressmaker watch Rainbow Dash and Anonymous fly off into the distance beyond their reach.

“Ya just gonna let 'em, get away, Rares? Ah figured you'd put up more of a fight, all things considered.”

The now very singed unicorn fluffs her ruined mane. “Sorry darling, but Princess Luna seems very adamant on winning this game, and I'm afraid I have a bit of a grudge with her due to a recent prank. Forgive me, but this is my revenge, however passive and petty it may be.”

The earth pony sighs. “Suit yerself.”

“And what about you? Did anything come of it?”

“Maybe. All ah know is, ah'm not givin' up on him. Ya shoulda seen the way he was smilin', talkin' about my cookin' at the party. It was somethin' else. Ah think ah understand Pinkie a bit better, now.”

Rarity softly smiles and places a hoof on the farmer's shoulder. “I'm rooting for you, dear.”

Applejack blushes and tilts her hat over her eyes. “Shucks, thanks.”

~~~~~~~~~

“I-I think we made it,” Rainbow pants as she dumps you on the ground, gasping for breath. You stand and dust yourself off, and sure enough, the apple tree is in the distance, less than half a mile away.

“Yeah, looks like we're almost there. Nice work back there by the way, I owe you one.”

Rainbow smirks. “Just paying you back for your help with Twilight and Pinkie.”

The two of you make a beeline straight for the tree. You know Luna's not gonna make it easy, but there's a foolish hope inside you that says maybe you'll get there without a fight if you keep going...

And then the sky darkens, lightning strikes, and the Princess of the Night appears… with her sun hat on fire, again. She rips the hat off with magic and waves it around to put out the flames, then replaces it and assumes a dignified pose like nothing happened.

“Anonymous, Loyalty... we must admit, we did not expect you to make it this far. Well done. Unfortunately, this is the end of your journey, as you shall not reach the tree.”

The alicorn's horn glows, and a massive spherical magical barrier encompasses the apple tree and the entire hill upon which is rests. An average unicorn would need to stand still and channel with all their strength to do something like this, but Luna doesn't seem to need to exert any kind of mental effort to maintain the spell. She paces around freely outside the barrier with a haughty expression of superiority.

“We are willing to accept your forfeiture at any time.”

You crouch down next Rainbow, whose jaw is on the ground at the display. “So... uh... think you can Rainboom your way through that or something?”

“Anon, are bucking retarded?! NO!”

“Okay, okay, just asking. Soooo, what do we do?”

She pounds her front hooves together. “Well, I think if we knock her out it'll break the barrier, so I'm gonna go with that.”

Luna raises an eyebrow. “You... you wish to 'throw down', Loyalty? How delightful! It has been too long since we took to the skies in combat!”

The alicorn spreads her wings and rockets into the air. Rainbow prepares to follow, but you stop her. The colorful pegasus shakes her head, seeming to know what you're going to say before you say it.

“Look Anon, I know you want to help, but I think I have to handle this one alone. And yes, I'll be careful.”

You give her your best Top Gun thumbs up and she's off. Hell, you can almost swear you hear Kenny Loggins start singing in the background. With no way to help and nothing left to really do, you take a seat on the ground and watch one of the most spectacular pony aerial battles in recorded history unfold.

“Oh my, this sure is exciting.”

“Damn right it is, Fluttershy. Look at 'em go!”

Wait.

Your head slowly turns to your right. Yep, there's Fluttershy sitting next to you in some kind of crazy moon horse armor.

“What's with the getup?”

She blushes. “Oh, um, Princess Luna made me a Knight of the Moon. She said that I should stop you from getting any ideas about interfering in her fight with Rainbow Dash. By the way, are suits of armor your fetish?”

“No, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, okay. I'm kind of glad because it's really hard to move in this…” She shuffles her hooves a bit and whines. You kind of feel sorry for her. It looks like she really wants to grope you but the armor's too heavy for her to try.

You sit there for several uncomfortable minutes in silence, until Rainbow slams into the ground nearby in a huge cloud of dust and debris.

“Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Ow.” She staggers out of the crater she made and collapses in front of you and Fluttershy. Luna lands a little further away near the barrier, and it doesn't look like she has a single scratch on her.

“That was most exhilarating, Loyalty! Truly, we have not had this much fun in ages. Now, are you prepared to forfeit?”

“N-Never!” Rainbow gasps.

Luna frowns. “We see. Your determination is commendable. Foalish, but commendable nonetheless.”

Damn, looks like she doesn't want to give up. To be honest, you don't really see a way to win here. Luna's totally fucking OP and needs a nerf in the next patch.

But then again... maybe there is a way. You have yet to use your greatest weapon. But first thing’s first…

“Rainbow, are you ok?” you ask, placing a hand on her shoulder to prevent the dazed pony from falling over. Her eyes are spinning in her head, but at least she can focus in your general direction.

“Oh, hey Anon. W-Wow, there're so many of you. Now we can each have one...”

“Rainbow, I think we should change opponents. Here, you fight Fluttershy and I'll handle Luna.”

“Yeah, sure thing, whatever, go for it.” She collapses on the ground as soon as you move away and Fluttershy starts timidly poking at her with a hoof.

Time to do this.

“All right Luna, enough's enough. Drop the barrier now.”

“Ah, fair Anonymous, so you elect to forfeit?”

“No, I'm just telling you to drop the barrier. If you do you'll get a reward...” You unbuckle your belt.

She giggles. “Art thou... art thou attempting to seduce us? We must say, we like this development, though it will not get you what you want.”

You walk up to her, place a hand on her neck, and loudly whisper into her ear: “Not even if I make you cum until you can't even stand straight?”

You hear two sets of wings stand at attention in the background.

Luna blushes. “E-Even then, it will not be enough. A barrier such as this is foal's play for us. It will maintain its full strength as long as we are near, no matter our state of mind or body.”

“Is that so? I guess we'll just have to test it, then.”

You pull Luna into a passionate kiss. Her eyes go wide for a moment before she returns it, lifting a hoof to place on your back and pull you closer. You extend the kiss for several minutes, then pull away, and as Luna returns her hoof to the ground a faint clink registers in your ears.

“A-Anonymous... though we have no qualms doing it in front of a herdmate such as Kindness, Loyalty is here, and we—”

You hold a finger up to her muzzle. “Shhhh... just let me say one thing.”

She gazes at you with wide eyes.

“We win.”

“Wha—!!!!!!” Luna's words are cut off as the magic of your crushed teleportation gem activates, pulling her to god knows where. True to her word, the barrier drops as soon as she's gone.

“Rainbow, that's our cue!” you shout.

The multichromatic pegasus leaps up immediately and lands by your side. “Holy hay Anon, what the buck did you do?!” You wink at her as the two of you run side by side to the tree.

“Oh, that was a little something I was saving just in case you guys got too frisky at the party.”

She lets out a genuine laugh. “Good thinking! You've gotta keep on your toes around us!”

After a short run, a hand and a hoof touch the trunk of the tree together and the world around you fades away.

~~~~~~~~~

Six little ponies, a princess, and a human slowly pull themselves awake from the floor of the old barn.

“Inconceivable...” Luna gasps. “Anonymous, we have never lost at this game when Sister did not partake in it. That... that was...” She rears on her hind legs and clops her hooves together. “That was the most fun we've ever had...!”

Before you can blink, Dash is in your arms. “Awwww yeah! Best. Team. EVER!” She pulls on her eyelid and sticks her tongue out at the others, which gets a laugh from everyone present, and you ruffle her mane in response.

Rarity checks her coat and mane, finding them pristine, much to her relief. “I must say, it wasn't exactly what I expected, but it was certainly exciting.”

Applejack chuckles. “Ya got that right.”

“Oh, oh, oh, let's do it again!” Pinkie yells as she bounces around the room.

“Um, please let's not...” Fluttershy replies, trembling a bit.

Twilight crosses her hooves and sulks. “You got lucky, bucking Anon. You're gonna get it tomorrow...”

“Well,” Applejack begins, standing to her hooves, “this was fun y'all, but ah guess ah need ta start gettin' the barn cleaned up or Granny'll have my hide...”

“Don't worry AJ, I'll help!” Pinkie says, hopping over to her side.

“And I as well,” Rarity adds. “If we work together it'll be as good as new in no time.”

“HOLD, SUBJECTS!”

Fucking Canterlot voice, goddamn. Everyone looks to Luna, who quickly flushes with embarrassment at her outburst.

“Err, that is to say, wait everypony, for the game is not yet over. By ancient tradition, one task remains to be performed at its conclusion. To solidify the bonds forged by the Trial of Twos, each pair must kiss. It is why we played in the first place, is it not?”

Silence. Total silence.

Fluttershy faints.

Rarity and Applejack look horrified.

Pinkie smiles and Twilight starts to back away.

And Rainbow... Rainbow looks like she's about to blow spaghetti everywhere.

Luna raises an eyebrow. “In case we did not make it clear, this is an order. If you don't do it, your Princess shall be VERY offended.” She levitates the unconscious Fluttershy to herself and places a chaste kiss on her muzzle.

Pinkie wastes no time pulling Twilight into a death grip and giving her a huge exaggerated Bugs Bunny style kiss on the lips.

Rarity and Applejack touch their lips together for a nanosecond before retreating to opposite sides of the room.

You look at Rainbow. You honestly don't think she's gonna live through this if you do it, but Luna's piercing stare promises an even worse fate if you don't.

The pegasus trots up to you on shaky legs. You exchange a glance, then bring your mouths together for a quick kiss. The smile she has on her face afterwards is... radiant.

“I... I did it. I actually did it! YES! I'll... I'll see you guys later!”

And with that, she's gone. You look over to Luna, who's grinning from ear to ear.

“It appears you've gained another admirer.”

Your jaw drops. “Did... did you do this on purpose?”

She stands and makes her way to the door. “That would be telling, fair Anonymous. Farewell for now, we wish you pleasant dreams.”

You hear the telltale sound of teleportation magic as she steps outside.

You somehow feel that you've set something in motion today... something terrifying, and there’s no telling where it’ll lead. But for now, all you can do is take things as they come, one day at a time.

And with that thought, you stand to help the others clean up.

6 - Autismogeddon

You know, that shitty Aerosmith song would be really appropriate right now.

You pull out your trusty flask and lightly shake it. Damn, almost empty, but oh well, down the hatch! You knock back the remainder of its contents, then discard the flask, put on your comically oversized sunglasses (A welcoming gift; Thanks, Pinkie!) and deposit yourself in the beach chair conveniently set up nearby.

Such a nice day to be out here, enjoying the warm breeze from the Golden Oaks Library's topmost balcony. You can almost tune out the screams of the panicking ponies below. The sound of the giant meteor currently shredding Equestria's atmosphere from above is a bit harder to ignore.

“This is all your fault, you know.”

You sit up, indignantly remove your sunglasses and glare at the purple pony standing beside you.

“How in the hell is this in any way my fault? Do I look like I can do fucking magic, much less summon giant fucking meteors whenever I please?! I seem to remember you were the one who cracked open that forbidden tome and started jizzing sparks and eldritch runes everywhere from your horn!”

She stomps a hoof. “And I wouldn't have had to do that if you had just been cooperative! You outright refused every item on the list! Every single one!”

“Well I'm sorry if I don't see how me putting my dick in your ass or forcing me to drink pony milk from the tap is necessary for a 'cultural exchange'!”

Twilight gasps and rears back as if she'd been slapped. “It's absolutely necessary! Extremely necessary! Princess Celestia and the professors at the Canterlot University Primatology Department demand only the best, most rigorously documented observational data! I am NOT turning in incomplete or inaccurate results, and how else do you expect me to report how the human-pony body temperature difference affects the sensation of anal intercourse or how much suction a human mouth can produce when suckling a pony teat unless we experiment?!”

You sigh and facepalm, shifting your fingers a bit to peer at the little egghead from between them. Her mane's messed up beyond belief, her little lab coat is shredded and stained from an explosion, her cheeks are red and puffed out, and she's got that cute look of annoyance on her face as she gazes at an interesting spot on the ground. Even despite all of this it's tough to stay mad at her.

“You know what... I don't even care anymore. C'mon, let's sit back and enjoy the end of the world together, Twilight.”

You reach down, pick her up and set her on your lap. Her cheeks turn an even deeper red than the doomsday meteor above as you calmly begin to stroke her mane.

“Th-The world's not going to end, Anon. Princess Celestia will come and fix everything like she always does.”

She gulps. “I hope.”

Earlier That Morning...

Man, you hate Thursdays. It's a well-known fact.

Actually, it’s such a well-known fact that it's become a running joke in the daily comic strip about you in the Foal Free Press. You take a sip of your coffee, turn the page of today's issue and sure enough, there it is.

Title: 'Anonymous' by Jim Rettulf (Fucking authors and their pseudonyms...)
Panel 1: You're sleeping in your cute human bed with the covers over you. There's a calendar on the wall that says today is Thursday.
Panel 2: You wake up and look at the calendar.
Panel 3: You look at the reader and say: 'Man, I hate Thursdays'.

You turn when you hear laughter coming from ponies at a nearby table at the cafe where you're having breakfast and you notice they have a copy of the paper opened to the comics page as well. For some reason, this comic is wildly popular and has a syndication contract for 40+ years of strips, merchandising, and a few movie deals.

You sigh and finish off your coffee. Just another unexplainable aspect of magical horse land, you guess. Gathering your paper, you leave a few bits on the table and step out into the overcast Ponyville streets.

There's a reason you hate Thursdays. Her name is Twilight Sparkle and she's a miniature purple horse.

As part of your naturalization as a citizen of Equestria, Princess Celestia requested that you spend some time each Thursday with Twilight, merely talking about whatever came to mind between the two of you. She must've figured it would help you adapt to your new home, and learning from you would expand her prized student's horizons even further. Win-win, right?

Unfortunately she forgot her little unicorn protégé is a huge autist. These sessions have been torture, with Twilight obsessively attempting to extract and record information about you and your world as well as perform various retarded and/or painful experiments on you. Not to mention the rape attempts. At first it was kind of innocent, with things like her asking to see your genitals so she could document them for some kind of scientific journal, but since Fluttershy started showing an interest in you, it's like she suddenly realized that you can use your dick to have sex with horses. Her horizons have definitely expended from this discovery, though not in the way Celestia probably wanted.

You're dreading today's visit, especially since you pissed her off last night during Luna's game, and you nervously tap your enchanted wristwatch to try to calm yourself. Were it not for this, you'd have probably been— huh?

It seems all the ponies in the street are staring at you. Shit, did you forget to put on pants again or something?

No, you're fully clothed, at least this time. You carefully look around for anything strange since you haven't seen Yellowquiet this morning and shit like this usually has her name written all over it. The sunlight causes you to squint your eyes a bit and... wait... the paper said today was supposed to be overcast with an afternoon shower...

Looking above and behind you, you spy a massive trench running through the clouds, as if someone took a bulldozer and cleared a path through the sky. It starts from the cafe you just left and runs all the way to the spot where you're currently standing. You catch sight of a multicolored tail as it darts back and forth across the trench, and soon enough, two magenta eyes peer over the far edge of the clouds, directly meeting your own, resulting in a surprised yelp and the immediate retreat of the cyan pegasus.

“Yer own personal sunny weather, huh? She must really like ya, Anon.” Standing before you underneath the trench is an oddly hatless Applejack. “Hope y'all don't mind if ah borrow a bit of it fer myself. Ah ain't a fan of rainy days.”

The sparkles of sunlight dancing across the golden strands of her mane are mesmerizing and you have to rub your eyes a bit to snap yourself out of a trance.

“Uh, sure. Rainbow won't get in trouble for this, will she?”

Applejack shakes her head. “Nah, as the leader of the Ponyville Weather Team she can do as she pleases, within reason a'course.”

“Well that's reassuring, I guess. What're you doing in town so early today, anyway?”

She smiles and winks. “Ah'm here for you, sugarcube.”

Uh oh.

In one smooth motion, her tail flicks across her back and launches something directly at you. You barely react in time but manage to catch the object before it smacks you in the face! Fuming, you open your mouth to tell the orange horse off for assaulting you with...

“...An apple fritter?”

“On the house. Two cups'a coffee alone ain't what ah'd call a balanced breakfast, Anon.”

“How'd you know that's all I had? I didn't see you at the cafe.”

She chuckles. “Yer a creature of habit. Ya do the same thing every Thursday mornin': Wake up late, go to that little restaurant, drink two cups'a coffee and head straight over ta see Twi, complainin' all the way. Don't ya read those cartoons in the paper? Whoever writes 'em really has ya pegged.”

Looks like it. You make a mental note to find out who ‘Jim Rettulf’ really is, then take a bite of your fritter and ohgodit'sincredible.

While you're distracted by the flavor orgy in your mouth, the limber Apple Pone closes the distance between you, brushing her body and tail against your legs and dropping her voice to a sultry whisper. “Ah also wanted ta remind ya that my offer from last night still stands...” Before you can react she's reared up and going in for a stealthy kiss.

You nearly choke on your goddamn fritter. Mental warning sirens are going haywire, but your body refuses to move. W-was Treekicker always this sexy?!

Thankfully the sound of a pegasus loudly touching down nearby draws your attention.

“Hooves off him, AJ.”

Applejack steps away from you and smiles. “Ah figured that'd get ya down here. Brought one fer you too.” She tosses a fritter and Rainbow catches it in her mouth and starts munching away immediately. “Ah have one left fer Fluttershy; figured she'd be around. Either of y'all seen her today?”

“N-No, she–she didn't come by this morning...” you stammer.

Nice recovery, sperglord. Applejack's grin gets a little bigger as she catches your stuttering.

Rainbow shakes her head, still chewing on her fritter. “Hafn seen er.”

“Ah well, maybe she's actually takin' care of the animals instead'a stalkin' Anon fer once. Speakin' of which, ah need ta get back ta the farm before Mac gives me an earful for skippin' out on mornin' chores. Take care now.”

She starts to trot away, but a desperate whine from Dash stops her. You turn to see Rainbow swallow the last of her fritter and put on the best begging puppy dog face she can muster. You have to stifle a laugh, but AJ doesn't look amused.

“Oh fer cryin' out loud, yer worse than Winona sometimes.” She sighs and tosses the remaining fritter, which Rainbow gleefully nabs out of the air. “Don't you bother Anon too much today, ya hear? He's got enough ta worry about dealin' with Twi.”

While Rainbow has her eyes closed with joy eating her fritter, AJ catches your gaze, winks, turns her back to you, swishes her tail aside to show you the goods, winks again, and then makes her way down the road back to the Acres.

GOD DAMN. You sit down on a nearby park bench and hold your head in your hands, trying to fight off the memories of the hours upon hours of intimate time you spent with that ass and the boner that's threatening to make the rest of your walk to the library awkward.

You can already tell this is gonna be one of those days.

“What's the matter Anon, you gettin' a headache or something?” You look up to see Rainbow hovering in front of you. As soon as your eyes meet she blushes a bit which actually calms you down.

“Nah, I think it's passed. What're you up to?”

She lands and rubs a hoof on her chest. “Oh, you know, going fast, taking care of the weather, being awesome, the usual. Hey, we're still on for pizza and movies Saturday night, right? I've got a good one for the feature this time: 'The Creature from the Swamp II: The Swampening'! The costume for the monster is so lame, you can totally see the hooves of the ponies sticking out in some shots. It'll be a laugh riot!”

Oh shit, Saturday? That's when Luna scheduled your dinner date together in Canterlot and you completely forgot you made plans with Dash beforehand. You feel like an ass for having to blow her off, but she'll probably understand.

“Er, umm, actually something came up and I won't be able to make it. Sorry, Rainbow. Luna asked me to—”

Oh. Fuck. No. The look on her face. Oh god, it's like you just told her she'll never be a Wonderbolt or something…

“Oh? Th-that's cool, Anon. I know you're b-busy and stuff sometimes. Luna's a Princess and you c-can't hang out together with me all the time, right? Heh. Heh...”

Holy shit Anon you gigantic asshole DO SOMETHING!! If the tears start it's fucking over, man!

“SUNDAY!” you blurt out.

*sniff* “Huh?”

“How about Sunday night instead? And don't worry about bringing the beer, I've got it covered.”

She smiles and blinks back the tears that were threatening to fall. “Really?”

“Totally. I Pinkie Promise.”

You start to do the motions but Rainbow holds up a hoof to stop you. “It's okay Anon, I know you're good for it. But you'd better be ready for some B-Movie mayhem on Sunday!”

“I'll be ready, so bring it on.”

She takes to the air and waves back at you. “Oh I will! I'd better get back before Weather Control gets on my flank. Have a good one Anon, don't let Twilight push you around too much!” She breaks through the low hanging clouds and disappears. Whew, another crisis averted. You rise from the bench and continue on your way.

Just one more obstacle to overcome and maybe this'll turn into a good day after all…

Soon enough, the Golden Oaks Library comes into view, and with a deep, cleansing breath you steel your resolve and push open the door.

Man, this place is a disaster. Books fucking everywhere and no Twilight Spergle in sight. Spike sits in the middle of the chaos looking dazed.

“What the heck happened here?” you ask, carefully attempting to make your way to the center of the room without tripping over anything.

The little dragon rubs his eyes when he hears your voice. “Dude, I was hoping you could tell me. Twilight came back from that party last night and woke me up pulling books from the shelves. I don't think she slept at all, and when I asked what she was doing she said something about Luna and the perfect experiment.”

“...Sounds dangerous.”

The little dragon rolls his eyes. “Tell me about it. She's really dialed up the crazy lately. Now that you're here I think I'm gonna head out.”

“You're just gonna leave me here alone with her when she's like this?!”

He shrugs. “You've got your fancy watch and that gem that can teleport you, right? You'll live.” Shit, sounds like he's still a little pissed at being used as your personal grievance delivery system to Celestia. But that was important!

Spike slicks his head spines back and wiggles his eyes. “Besides, I've got a couple of new moves to try on Rarity. Try to keep Twilight from destroying Ponyville while I'm gone, will ya?”

“No promises.”

He hops out the door. “Yeah, that's what I thought. Later, Anon. Wish me luck!”

He doesn't even wait for you to reply before he's gone. Fucking dragons.

You sigh. Maybe it's for the best. You wouldn't want any (debatably) innocent children getting caught up in whatever's going to happen here today, would you? That'd just be irresponsible.

You look at the mountains of books everywhere. Twilight doesn't seem to be around and you're not exactly eager to find her. What to do? Hmmm, might as well go into your mental submenus to check your mission objectives.

MISSION: Another Fucking Thursday... [ In Progress ]

[X] Primary: Reach the Library

[ ] Primary: Converse with Twilight Sparkle

[ ] Secondary: Research Princess Luna's Past for Gift Ideas

[ ] Secondary: Don't Get Raped

Hey, that's right! You wanted to learn more about Luna to get her a simple gift she might like for your date on Saturday. Even though she probably already has everything she could ever want and more, there must be something she likes - a favorite flower or gemstone or something similar that you can bring with you. Yeah, you're gonna woo the fuck outta that mystical horse god-princess, Anon!

Considering she's like thousands of years old, there should be lots of books here about her that could point you in the right direction. To be honest, you don't know much about Equestrian history because it's boring as shit, especially when Twilight talks about it, but even if you don't find anything knowing more about her would still be nice.

It's decided. Instead of searching for Magichorn or questioning why “Don't Get Raped” is a secondary objective, you decide to start sifting through the piles of books looking for something related to Luna.

You find something promising and start reading. Eternal Night, Nightmare Moon, 1000 Year Banishment, Elements of Harmony, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, you know most of this already. Tossing that book aside, you spy another open book with a picture of Luna on one of the pages. You pick it up and read the title: 'The History of Dream Magic: A Study of the School's Origins and Development'.

Dream Magic, huh? Yeah, as a human your knowledge of magic is limited to stuff you picked up from videogames and shit that crazy Chinaman Horse Shopkeeper tries to sell you whenever you go into his shop. (Though the teleportation gem and smoke bombs turned out to be extremely useful, so that guy's actually pretty based...)

But anyway, Dream Magic. From what you can tell Luna's really good at it, and her picture is in this book, so why not? You crack it open and start reading...

...only to have a magical aura surround the book and snatch it from your grasp.

“Ah, there it is! Exactly the book I was looking for!”

Here we go...

“...Twilight.”

“It's TWI—” A slightly crooked smirk forms on the unicorn’s muzzle as she catches her outburst. “Hmmmm, you're learning... maybe there's hope for you after all!” After a quick glance at the book in her telekinetic grip, she sets it aside and picks up a cup of coffee instead.

Yeah, Purplesmart's not looking too hot this morning. Her mane's messed up, she's jittery from too much caffeine and she's got some major bags under her eyes. “Interested in Dream Magic, Anon?” she asks. “I don't blame you, I am too, especially after last night!”

“What was so special about last night?”

She nearly spits out her coffee. “W-What was special about last night? EVERYTHING! Anon, do you even realize what happened... what Luna actually DID back there?! It was amazing! Astonishing! Students of Magic across Equestria would give their HORNS to see something like that and I was there to experience it firsthoof!!”

Oh boy, this is getting good. But you know what they say, more talking is less raping, so...

“Enlighten me.”

Spergle lecture mode activated: “I didn't recognize it myself until after I managed to dispel the enchantment and get Pinkie off my tail, but what we experienced was Level 10 Dream Magic... something extremely difficult to perform even for masters of the school, but Luna not only made it look effortless, she was able to continue to cast spells and even fight Rainbow Dash while maintaining the incantations! Since I was stuck in the forest, I started casting scan spells to find out what was really going on. Did you know there were no less than 16 individual spells across 3 schools that went into creating and maintaining that dream? Not only that, but the time dilation involved allowed us to experience over half a day's worth of time in the dream while only several hours passed in the real world! Do you realize what this MEANS?!”

“Uh...”

She sighs. “Dreams, Anon. It means dreams are the key to my future studies and research. By using Dream Magic to construct a dream which has everything I need— the proper environment, lab equipment, materials, etcetera, and then dilating time, I can triple or even quadruple my efficiency! I could try new or untested spells without any impact in the real world! And by pulling others into the dream, we can experiment with no harm to our physical bodies...” Cue the patented Sparkle bedroom eyes!

Twilight’s ears droop and her excitement fades a bit. “But in order to do something like that, I'd need to not only study for years to become a Master of the Dream School, but would likely need training from Luna herself. As the progenitor of all Dream Magic, she's the only pony who could offer the insight necessary to train somepony else to reach that level...”

You let out a sigh of relief. You're not sure about Celestia, but there's no way in hell Luna would ever let this spergy little unicorn learn those types of dangerous-ass spells. But much to your dismay, Twilight perks up again with a huge smile as she levitates a book from upstairs.

“Or, at least that's what I would've said before this morning!”

WHAT.

“While Spike was trying to clean up and restock the shelves, he happened to find ANOTHER hidden compartment that just happened to have THIS!” She places an ancient tome in front of you. It looks like something that Gandalf would've put into a rent-a-storage place after moving out of his ex's apartment and then forgotten about for 500 years...

“Believe it or not,” the unicorn continues, “this tome of forbidden magic can allow a pony to cast spells beyond their level without having to master them when used as a focus! I've already tested it and it works perfectly!” She rears up and clops her hooves together. “Oh Anon, we're going to have so much fun doing science together!”

Yeah, no. You immediately reach into your pocket for your teleportation ge—wherethefuckisit?!

“Looking for this, Anon?” Twilight says as she holds the gem in her telekinetic grasp. “After I analyzed the dream we were in, I used a scrying spell to observe how you beat Luna. Clever, but it won't help you here.”

You gulp and take a hesitant step back. “Twilight... I think you should reconsider this. I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure using dangerous magical artifacts beyond one's control in order to gain a quick powerup for questionable reasons has never worked out for anyone, in the history of anything, ever.”

She giggles. “Oh Anon, you've been reading too much fiction! That stuff'll rot your brain! Case in point: Rainbow Dash. And besides, that rule only applies to villains anyway.”

“Right, what was I thinking?”

“Now, first we construct the dream. Here we go!” Twilight aims her horn at the tome and begins casting. There's a blinding surge of magic that forces your eyes shut, and when you recover, you find yourself in standing in the exact same spot in the library where you were before. But something’s different... instead of a cluttered mess each shelf is neatly stocked with books, all in the proper order, with the Forbidden Tome itself sitting on a small table in the middle of the room.

Twilight beams. “Excellent! I chose the Library as our dream environment in order to keep things simple for now. And considering you're here as well, Anon, it looks like things are going exactly according to plan!” With a spring in her step, she magics over a little lab coat which she quickly puts on. “Are you ready for today's human-pony cultural exchange?”

“If I say no can I go home?”

“As Applejack's big brother would say, 'eeeee-NOPE'!”

“Fuck.”

Twilight levitates a clipboard in front of her. “Now that we're in a dream and there are no physical consequences for our actions, I think we should try some of the experiments I've been putting off due to your reluctance to participate. Specifically subsections IV.d throuh XVII.aa covering all types of heterosexual oral, vaginal, and anal foreplay and intercourse between a male human and female pony. Anon, please remove your clothes so we can begin.”

“Sorry, Twilight, not interested.” You cross your arms and fire the best menacing glare you can muster at the little purple horse.

She scoffs. “Enough playing around, Anon. I know you're attracted to ponies. I saw how you kissed Luna in last night's dream. Even if it was part of your ploy to defeat her, the enjoyment on your face was obvious. And don't get me started with that goofy kiss you shared with Rainbow afterwards. It was only for a second but the two of you were grinning like idiots!” She drops her clipboard and begins to approach you. “Look, I'm not a bad pony, but I NEED this. For... for science. I'll even make it easy on you. Choose whatever you like from that list and that's what we'll do first.”

She kicks the clipboard over to you and you retrieve it. This is actually good; while you pretend to read this stupidly long list of fetishes maybe you can think of a way to get out of this mess. You've got to disrupt the spell or wake yourself up somehow, but if this works like Luna's Dream Magic, that's easier said than done. Man, this list is thorough. She's even got lactation on here, and... NO! Focus, Anon. What can you do?!

“Having trouble deciding?”

You nervously rub your neck. “Uh, yeah, I really don't feel like doing any of these things today. Um... it's reaaaally hard for me to get aroused to anything that's not my super crazy secret fetish that's probably not even possible in this universe, so let's call it a day and get some lunch. In the name of friendship. Whaddya say?”

Twilight’s eyes narrow and her horn begins to shimmer with magic. “If it's a matter of motivation, I have a spell for that. When I was still in school, Moondancer and the others made fun of me and said that I'd have to learn this one in order to ever get a stallion. Ha! How crazy is that?!”

She points her horn at you and fires the spell faster than you can even perceive. It's a direct hit and the magic washes over your body, but you feel no different after a few seconds. Twilight, on the other hand, is fuming mad.

“HOW?! First Want-It-Need-It, and now not even my Uncontrollable Arousal spell works! You-you-you're resistant to Mind Control magic somehow, aren't you, Anon? That's how you've escaped it so many times in the past! I'll need to add this to my notes...” She flashes a devilish grin as she jots the information down. “However, it doesn't matter how strong your resistance is. With the power of this Tome I can overcome it. I... I could probably even move the stars themselves, just like your precious Luna! I'll prove it to you!!”

Her horn ignites and she fires at the Tome again, this time using an intense amount of magical power. The ancient book shines, then starts feeding back energy into her horn, causing her eyes blaze with magical light and runes to begin to project all across the walls of the library. Then, with a deafening crack and explosion, the flow of magic suddenly ceases and the little unicorn collapses.

“Twilight!”

You rush over to her, but she's nearly back on her hooves by the time you get there, and though her lab coat is pretty messed up from the explosion, she seems okay.

“I'm... I'm fine,” she coughs. “Follow me to the observation deck and I'll show you...” Wobbling a bit as she trots, you climb the stairs with her to the library's topmost balcony, mostly to make sure she doesn't fall on the way up.

But as soon as you get outside, you notice it immediately. The sky is blood red and a giant fiery meteor is blocking out the sun, causing both your jaws to drop at the sight.

“H-Holy shit, Twilight!!”

“B-B-But I only meant to move a star in Orion's Belt just a little bit!” she stammers. “What the hay!?!”

“Who cares what happened, just fix it!” you shout, pointing at the approaching fiery ball of cosmic death for emphasis.

She gulps. “I-I don't think I can. That spell exhausted me, but it doesn't matter anyway. The meteor will obliterate us, but as soon as that happens we'll just wake up. That's the genius of this plan, Anon! It's foolproof!”

…And then you hear the screams from below. Twilight rushes to the edge of the balcony and starts frantically looking around. “Huh, looks like I created a perfect copy of Ponyville for my dream environment. Oh, and the Everfree forest, and Canterlot too. And all the townsponies... heh heh is that Cloudsdale over there?” You notice several strands of hair pop out of place in her mane and tail as her composure begins to slip.

“Twilight...”

“Now Anon, there's no need to say anything ridiculous like maybe instead of sending us into a dream version of the library, that first spell I cast only cleaned it up like I envisioned it should be. That would mean that we're in the real world and that we're completely doomed and WHY DIDN'T I TEST TO MAKE SURE WE WERE IN A DREAM OR NOT?!”

Yeah, she's fucking lost it. You run over and shake her shoulders to snap her back to reality.

“How much time do we have before that thing hits us?!”

She lets out a few nervous chuckles. “Oh, by my estimation I'd say... two to three minutes! Time to panic!”

Two fucking minutes?! That's not even enough time to track down Spike to send a letter to Celestia, but without some kind of divine intervention you're completely screwed.

There's only one thing to do in a situation like this. You pull out your trusty flask and lightly shake it...

The Present

You continue to pet Twilight's mane as Equestria's final moments tick away.

“Anon?” she whispers.

“Yeah, Twilight?”

“Before the end, I'd like to know, and please, be honest... what's wrong with me? Am... am I really that repulsive to you? I know I'm plain looking and an egghead, but what do ponies like Rainbow Dash and Applejack have that I don't?”

“Twilight...”

She starts to tear up. “It's not just you, it's kind of been this way all my life. Colts have always ignored me. Moondancer and the others were right! I'm just...”

“Twilight! Look at me.” She turns away from the light of the approaching meteor and stares at you with tear-filled violet eyes. “Listen, the only thing unattractive about you is, well, the fact that you constantly try to rape me and perform weird experiments during our visits.” Her ears fold back in shame and she tries to slink away, but you keep her in place with a hand on her withers.

“As far as your other quirks and habits... everybody has some. Even me, even Applejack, even Rainbow, and even Luna. As far as I'm concerned, you're a very pretty pony, and a good pony too. I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen...”

She closes her eyes and leans into your chest, and you pull her into a hug.

“...and I know, if given the chance, that one day you'd find that special somepony who would appreciate you for who you are, quirks and all.”

You feel the patter of a few tears as they fall onto your shirt. “Thank you, Anon. Even if you’re only saying it to make me feel better, I'm glad I could spend this moment with you. And… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...”

You feel a few of your own tears threaten to escape as the end approaches.

“…It's okay.”

“Oh my,” a gentle voice whispers from somewhere behind your chair. “Are heartfelt reconciliations during the apocalypse your fetish? That’s a really hard one to guess. It… it would've taken me a while to figure it out for sure.”

Both you and Twilight slowly, ever so slowly, turn your heads to find…

“FLUTTERSHY?!”

You can't fucking believe it. Yep, it's Butter Squeak all right. She's standing there on the balcony in a variation of the Moon Armor she had during Luna's game last night, though this version seems to be much lighter and suited to her body type.

“Fluttershy, how long have you been here?!” Twilight gasps.

The little pegasus’ ears fold back and she blushes. “Oh... the entire time actually. I've been with Anon all day, i-in his shadow, I mean. It's one of the enchantments on this armor Princess Luna gave to me. I wanted to come out earlier, but everything that was happening was so scary I... couldn't.”

You’re at a loss for words. Luna... Luna gave Fluttershit, your #1 stalker and general pain in the ass, armor that MAKES HER PERFECTLY INVISIBLE! You are going to have a LONG fucking conversation with Moon Horse if you manage to live through this. Twilight looks just as shocked as you are, and she quickly jumps out of your arms and starts circling around Fluttershy, examining the armor like the meteor isn't even there!

“That's amazing! This armor isn't the normal issue for the Night Guard Patrols, or even the Officers! I've read about this... it's reserved for the most elite of the elite of her soldiers, the Knights of the Moon! To even see this type of armor in pony is an absolutely amazing opportunity! It just oozes magic!”

You loudly clear your throat. “Yeah, this is great and all, but... remember the giant fucking meteor?! Fluttershy, if that armor really is from Luna, is there any way you can use it to contact her or something?”

She perks up. “Oh! Um, the Princess was waiting for me when I got home to the cottage last night, and she told me what to do in case we ever needed her...”

She steps away and proceeds to lay down and curl up into a ball. It's cute as hell but it's also NOT HELPING!

“Fluttershy, what are you doing?” Twilight asks.

“G-Going to sleep,” she squeaks. “That's what Princess Luna said to do.”

You and Twilight share a glance with one another, but silently agree not to question it. You give it about 15 seconds or so before your patience runs out, though it might be slightly shorter than normal due to your impending gruesome death.

“Well?!”

Fluttershy trembles. “I'm-I'm sorry! This is really difficult to do under pressure.”

Great, just great. You turn to Twilight, your last ray of hope to get you all out of this.

“Can’t you put her to sleep with a spell or something?”

Purple Pone shakes her head. “No, the Tome drained me almost to my limit, and I don’t want to risk miscasting the spell…” She trots away slightly, tapping her hoof in thought for a few moments before suddenly perking up. “But don’t worry, I think I have a solution!”

Without warning, she runs to the other side of the balcony and points her hoof in a random direction, then shouts in the most hammy voice she can muster: “Oh no! A full grown dragon is heading straight for Ponyville!”

“A D-D-D-D-eeeeeep!” Fluttershy immediately seizes up, baas like a goat and collapses on the ground. Yep, she’s out like a light.

Twilight returns to your side and smirks. “Works every time!”

“I'll definitely have to remember that one! But now what do we do?”

She sits on her haunches by your side. “I’m not sure, but… but I believe that we’ll get through this, even if I don’t know how.”

You both kind of stand there and look at each other in silence until, much to your surprise, an arcane circle of light begins to shine underneath Fluttershy's body. Previously invisible runes appear across the armor’s back which produce mystical blue flames that surround Fluttershy and encase her wings, extending their length. Her entire body seems to grow in stature as she stands and her mane and tail take on a mist-like quality, almost like flowing clouds of pink perfume. A phantom horn of flame appears on her forehead and when her eyes finally open they seem to radiate pure magic.

“WHO AMONG THE KNIGHTS SUMMONS US?!”

The newly-awakened Fluttercorn looks around a bit, then pauses when she spots you. “Ah, 'Tis Kindness. The insatiable lust which consumes this body when we gaze upon thee can mean no other. ‘Tis a wonder she can even function in your presence. We... we feel a strong desire to either ravage you or go somewhere and 'clop'.”

“...Luna?!” you gasp. “Is it you?”

She smiles. “Indeed. Greetings, fair Anonymous and Bearer of Magic. For what purpose have you called us away from our weekly visit to the Crystal Empire with Sister?”

You point at the doomsday meteor still burning in the sky.

“Ah. Fair enough, then.”

She charges a spell and quickly blasts the meteor back into the depths of space. Just like that, the sky returns to normal and you hear a collective sigh of relief from the ponies below.

Lunashy faces Twilight, and boy does she not look happy. “We assume there is an explanation for this...?”

The little unicorn instantly cowers and starts sweating bullets, but before she can stammer out an answer you move next to her and put a reassuring hand on her withers.

“It was an honest mistake that resulted from a misunderstanding between us, Luna. Even though I can't do magic, I'm at fault too and should share in any punishment.”

Twilight looks up at you, tears in her eyes. You simply wink back at her.

Lunashy sighs and turns away, a small smile tugging at her lips. “...You are too kind hearted for your own good sometimes, Anonymous. Sister shall expect a full friendship report, from the both of you, about this incident by the end of the day. We feel this is all the punishment needed since no harm came to anypony.” She steps away and carefully lays back on the ground. “Give our regards to Kindness when she awakes. Until we meet again.”

As soon as her head touches the ground the enchantments fade, leaving the familiar form of Fluttershy behind. She even lets out a cute little snore and giggle in her sleep.

You crouch down and whisper to Twilight, “Guess we have a report to write, huh?”

“Let's go back down to the Library and we can get started,” she whispers back. You both quietly make your way down the stairs, and once you're safely inside, Twilight rears up and hugs you.

“Anon... thank you... thank you for everything today.”

You smile. “Don't mention it. Friends?”

“Friends.”

She pulls out a piece of paper, and together the two of you start on the report’s first draft.

7 - Date Night!

At long last, after all that bullshit you put up with throughout the week, it's finally Saturday night, the night of your promised dinner date with Luna in Canterlot!

Everything's ready and it's almost time for you to leave. Rarity did an amazing job on your suit as expected. Lookin' good, Anon! You adjust your bowtie in the mirror one last time, step outside your home, turn off the lights and lock the door. Not that it does anything to keep Butter Squeak out, but it's one of the old habits from Earth that brings you comfort in this strange new world.

As soon as you turn from the door to gaze upon the night sky, you stop dead in your tracks, completely awestruck.

“Wow, Luna...”

She really went all out with this one. There's a meteor shower in progress (The harmless kind!) which is beautiful enough, but the flight path of the meteors runs across Ponyville and directly toward Canterlot, almost like they're beckoning you to her. The gentle light of a half-moon, not too strong, not too weak, is just enough to illuminate the cobblestone Ponyville streets without detracting from the spectacle above.

You have a feeling that no matter what happens tonight, it's gonna be a night to remember...

Clutching the train ticket in your pocket to make sure it’s still there, you check your watch: 11:05pm. The train leaves at 11:30, so you have plenty of time to reach the station, but better to be a little early than risk missing it and having to explain yourself to a perturbed Pony Princess.

You start down the road toward the station and immediately ram your balls into something. The pain almost forces you to one knee, but thankfully you manage not to make contact with the ground and scuff your suit.

“ARRRRGHHHH! What... what the hell was that?!”

You frantically look around but there's nothing there. What in the—

“S-Sorry...”

That voice. There was a time, long ago (last Thursday) when you didn't fear the darkness. But that time has passed due to fucking Fluttershy and her fucking magical horse armor!

“Fluttershy, were you abusing your invisibility to sniff my crotch again?”

The moon shines a little brighter and Yellowquiet appears before you in her Knight of the Moon getup. It almost makes her look like a badass. Almost.

“It-it smells really nice,” she says with a timid smile. “Did you switch to a new body wash?”

“Yeah, I—,” you sigh and shake your head. “Dammit, what're you even doing here? Shouldn't you be in bed by now?”

She looks you dead in the eyes. “If you want me in your bed we can go right now, mister. Right. Now.” The intensity in her voice catches you a little off guard.

“Er, nevermind. Look, I've got somewhere I need to be, so go, uh... flutter or something? Just as long as it's away from me. And for god's sake stay out of my house!”

Your tone seems to snap her out of whatever fantasy she conjured up, and she quickly wipes some drool from her muzzle with a hoof and moves next to you.

“Oh, um, I can't do that. Princess Luna gave me a special mission when she brought me this armor. As one of her Knights, I'm supposed to escort you to see her in Canterlot tonight. She even gave me a ticket and everything.”

She pulls out a golden ticket just like the one you got in the mail from Luna. Damn, tonight's late train to Canterlot was a special service requested by the Crowns, so you can't just buy tickets for it like normal. If she has one, her story's probably legit.

An hour long train ride, just you and Fluttershy in a private car... you can feel the headache starting already. But if it's what Luna wants, you'll endure it. You're fairly certain you can keep your package secure from Flutterbutter for at least that long.

“All right, fine. Lead the way, Lady Knight.”

Smiling, she lets out a happy squee and the two of you begin to make your way to the train station.

“A-Are dashing lady knights devoted to serving your every want and desire your fetish, Anon?”

“No, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, okay.”

...This is gonna be a long train ride.

~~~~~~~~~

At last, you can see the illuminated lamps of the train station come into view. For a specially ordered Canterlot trip for two in the dead of night, things are a lot more active on the platform than you'd expect. Station worker ponies are running around everywhere, loading supplies and connecting train cars together. You notice the train only has one passenger car attached near the front, but behind it is cargo car after cargo car filled with supplies.

You and Fluttershy stand there and watch the hustle and bustle for a few moments until a burly stallion approaches you. “If yer lookin' for a show, I'd suggest the Clop Barn on Stirrup Street,” he says gruffly. “Now scram.”

You fish your train ticket out of your pocket and show it to the stallion and Fluttershy does the same. As soon as he sees them, his expression changes immediately. “Ah, we were waitin' for yas. Head on over there and the staff'll let ya on. Thanks fer choosin' Friendship Railways.” The two of you make your way up the platform and another attendant directs you to the boarding area. You step inside the train car and...

“N-No...” you mutter, your feet frozen in place.

“Fluttershy, you finally made it! And you brought Non-non too!”

“Well, well! Howdy there, partner~”

“Ha! Hey Anon, nice dorky looking suit!”

“Anonymous, darling... you're heading to Canterlot at midnight wearing that? Whatever could you be up to, I wonder...? And Rainbow Dash, that suit is not ‘dorky’, it's debonair!”

“Anon?! But that means... oh, I just know this'll be some kind of test now! D-Deep breaths, Twilight, deep breaths...”

The train door closes shut behind you and the engine wails. No escape.

You're frozen, consumed by equal parts shock and fear. A private train ride with the Elements of Rape-mony, and you're completely unprepared. To top it off, you know Luna's in Canterlot now so the odds of her swooping in to save you from this are practically zero.

Your fight or flight instincts are going absolutely haywire. Adrenaline levels surging. But whatever happens, you can't show fear. If they sense any weakness they'll suffocate you under a multicolored sea of horse ass. You need to just play it cool and see if you can figure out what's going on here, so as calmly as you can, you walk over and take a seat in one of the passenger booths.

“Fluttershy's one thing, but did Luna really invite you five along as well? This is one hell of an escort...”

Your question is met with confused stares. Twilight responds, “Um, no Anon, I received a letter from Princess Celestia yesterday ordering the Elements to Canterlot. We were told to board the train near midnight tonight. I was curious when only five tickets were provided, but the letter explained that Fluttershy would arrive with her own. It was all very non-specific so I'm not completely sure what's going on, and she made no mention of you...” She brings a hoof to her chin and continues to ponder.

“Well, ah ain't gonna look a gift horse in the mouth, as the sayin' goes...” Apple Pone hops up onto the same bench you're sitting on and snuggles into your right side. “Ah'll jus' be enjoyin' the ride over here, y'all can do whatever ya want.”

Fluttershy immediately responds by flying over you and landing on the bench, mirroring Applejack's actions on your left side. “I... I need to be close to Anon. Princess Luna told me to watch over him during the trip. I'll just be right here, if that's okay with you.” The two flash a challenging stare at one another from either side of you.

Okay, you're sandwiched between two rapist ponies. Your personal space is getting dangerously close to being violated (along with other parts of you), but you might be okay if it remains at this level. It's time to be an optimist, Anon. Maybe we'll all enjoy a nice quiet train ride playing cards or something!

“The Princess, huh?” Applejack says. “Ah dunno what that's about, but if he needs protectin', ah'm happy ta oblige.” She snuggles closer.

Fluttershy actually gets a little huffy. “Hmph. I don't see you wearing any official royal armor. Maybe you should just leave this to the professionals, Applejack.”

“Is that so? D'ya even know the first thing about guardin' a VIP? Ah bet ya haven't even licked 'em to check if he's secretly been poisoned yet!” You feel a light kiss on the right side of your neck, followed by a pony tongue trailing upward.

“S-Shows what you know! T-T-That's not where you lick to check for poisoning...” She starts to move a hoof toward the fly of your pants...

You conclude that optimists are fucking retarded. It only took a minute for things to get out of hand around these two. As you start to ponder escape options, a cyan pony suddenly landing in your lap completely breaks your train of thought.

“All right, that's enough! If you two are gonna be like that, I'll just sit right here!” She twists herself around to meet your eyes. “You, uh, you okay, Anon?”

“Yeah, thanks...” you reply, flashing her a grateful smile.

Then the train hits a bump in the tracks, the force of which drives Rainbow's ass into your crotch. She lets out a moan and her wings rocket out and with a *pomf* smack AJ and Flutters in the face. Her own face flushes with embarrassment as she folds them back to reveal annoyed stares from the other two ponies.

Yeah, this situation actually got worse somehow.

The cowpony gives Dash an icy glare. “So yer finally throwin' yer hat in the ring, huh Rainbow? Or are ya just gonna keep on pretendin'?”

“W-What? I'm just trying to protect him from you!” You feel Rainbow's body tense up and tremble a little.

She chuckles. “Yer talkin' ta the Element of Honesty here. Don't give me none'a that malarkey. If ya ain't gonna say anythin', then get outta the way cause ah am!”

While the two argue, you notice Pinkie's taken a seat on the bench on the other side of the booth's table opposite Fluttershy, and Rarity's done the same opposite Applejack, while Twilight continues to pace around the car in thought.

Pinkie leans over the table to get your attention. “So Non-non, I can't help but notice you came here with Fluttershy. Are you two on a hot date right now?” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

Rarity interjects, “Don't be ridiculous. Armor is hardly the appropriate attire for a date. Anonymous, you mentioned something about Princess Luna earlier, and so did Fluttershy. Might it have something to do with her? Come now, you can share your secret with Lady Rarity~” She duckfaces and flutters her eyelashes.

There can't be any harm in it at this point, so why not? Anything to get her to stop doing that stupid face! You lean around the still-arguing Cyan Pone in your lap to speak.

“Luna asked me to dinner tonight. Surprisingly she sent Fluttershy to escort me to her in Canterlot, and even more surprisingly the rest of you guys were here. That's all I can tell you because that's all I know.”

Immediately all talking ceases, save for Twilight's mumbling as she continues to pace around.

“Yer... goin' on a date with Luna?” Applejack lets out a cross between a laugh and a sob before putting on the best smile she can muster. “Well ah... ah hope ya have fun! She's right pretty, and ah'm sure the chefs at the castle'll make ya the best meal you could ever ask fer...”

Rainbow says nothing, but you can feel her body sag with dejection against you. She turns away and looks at the wall.

Even Fluttershy looks depressed. You don't know why, but you feel like a complete asshole now. These ponies were set to draw you into a miniature horse rape bonanza just a few moments ago, but you can't stand to break their hearts...

You see Rarity catch Applejack's attention and mouth something to her. AJ nods and turns to you. “Anon, ah...”

“Fluttershy has something to say!” Pinkie yells, her sudden outburst cutting Applejack off and drawing an angry stare from both AJ and Rarity.

Fluttershy looks around and starts to tremble. “P-Pinkie, no, I can't, it's too embarrassing!”

The pink pony only grins back at her. “Come on, just like we practiced! I guarantee it'll make him smile!”

All eyes are on Yellowquiet now. She gulps, steels her resolve as best she can, and looks you directly in the eyes. “Um... I-I can't help but notice... we're on the Midnight Train... together....”

...What? What's she...

And then, from out of nowhere, you hear that famous piano intro start playing, Pinkie gives Fluttershy a microphone, and to everyone’s amazement, the timid little butterball actually starts to sing!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1skdCtp3xU <-- Feel free to sing along!

♫ Just a man, so lost and hurt
Brought here from another world
He took the midnight train going anywhere~ ♫

Twilight trots up to the rest of you, a curious look on her face. “Fluttershy, this train is going to Canterlot, you know th—”
Rarity quickly smacks her with her tail. “Shush, Twilight! This is getting good~!”

♫ Just a mare with a need to fill
Fell from the clouds to Ponyville
She took the midnight train going anywhere~ ♫

You hear the guitar part start to come in and notice Pinkie's now on the other side of the train cabin with a Les Paul and amp. How the fuck is she even playing that with hooves?!

♫ She saw him through the forest's gloom
And knew that she would have him soon
Through his fetish she'll win his heart
It goes on and on and on and on!

Ponies! Prancing!
Down the road outside his house
In shadow, stalking through the night
Frisky! Fillies!
Searching for a special human
Clopping, somewhere in the night~! ♫

And now Applejack and Rainbow Dash have their hooves around Fluttershy's withers singing backup vocals. Your mind has been destroyed.

♫ Working hard on her traps and plans
Just for a touch from his hunky hands
Doin' anything for monkey dick
Just one more time
And she may win, she may lose
But tomorrow it all starts anew
Oh the ride, it never ends
It goes on and on and on and on!

Ponies! Prancing!
Down the road outside his house
In shadow, stalking through the night
Frisky! Fillies!
Searching for a special human
Clopping, somewhere in the night~! ♫

Pinkie starts the guitar solo and a huge smile crosses your face. Your sides have detached and left this world long ago. Sounds like Flutterbutter's been listening to your magically powered MP3 player when she breaks into your house.

You even find yourself joining in for the final part:

♫ Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Frisky! Fillies~! ♫

The song ends and the train cabin explodes with laughter. The depressed mood from before is completely gone. Rainbow, Fluttershy and Applejack are in a pile laughing their flanks off together. Rarity and Twilight are off to one side, Rarity seriously sounding like she's about to die laughing, and Twilight doing her best to contain herself.

Pinkie sets her guitar down, grins and winks at you. Say what you want about her, but that mare knows how to turn a goddamn frown upside down.

Once the laughter dies down, Rainbow, Flutters and AJ all approach you.

“Ah take back what ah said, Anon. Ah still want ya ta enjoy yer date, but no way, no how do those castle chefs hold a candle ta the Apples.” She pokes a hoof at your stomach. “Ah know how ta win over a stallion, an' ah ain't ready ta throw in the towel yet, sugarcube. You'd better be ready.”

Fluttershy just looks at you, nods, and smiles. At this point in your relationship, certain things don't even need to be said. Your brain actually rebels for a second and tells you she looks cute!

Rainbow bashfully glances around. “Um... I kinda... I kinda like you too, Anon. Like, like-like you. I don't know anything about this mushy crap so I have no idea what I'm doing but... I guess I just wanted to let you know.”

AJ hoofs her in the side. “What she means ta say is she's gonna win ya over by being awesome, right?”

This prompts an uncharacteristically cute laugh from the cyan pegasus. “You know it!”

Before you can even open your mouth to respond, Pinkie pops up between you with a deck of cards in her hoof. “All right! Now that that's over, who wants to play go fish~?!”

The others start to gather around and, believe it or not, from that point forward you enjoy a nice train ride playing cards together.

~~~~~~~~~

The train pulls into the Canterlot station at around half past midnight and the seven of you head directly to the castle. The guards, long since familiar with the Elements and strange 'human', all wave you past without any trouble until you reach the door to the throne room.

The lone guard there perks up when he sees your group approach. “Ah, the Elements and Anonymous the Human. Her Majesties have instructed me to send you to the private wing of the castle upon your arrival. Ms Sparkle, I trust you know the way?”

“Yes, sir.” Twilight replies, and the rest of you follow her lead deeper into the castle.

The long trip gives you time to think. This night hasn't been anywhere near what you thought it would be so far, but with Luna you kind of have to expect the unexpected. She's sneaky, a bit whimsical, fun-loving, and variably aloof and affectionate. Thinking back, even her behavior regarding the Elements has been... playfully odd. She gave Fluttershy that magical armor despite knowing she'd use it to stalk you, and she forced you to kiss Rainbow during that game, feeding the flames of the crush she has on you that in retrospect Luna was definitely aware of...

Now, with all this, you can't help but wonder: just what is she planning here? One thing's for certain– this isn't gonna be a normal date.

The guards of the castle's private wing open the large double doors, then close them behind you after you've entered. You find yourself in a large antechamber with a spiral staircase leading upward and doors to various rooms all around you. There are no guards in sight, and Twilight doesn't seem sure where to go next.

“Well, now what?” you ask, breaking the silence.

“Now we shall ascend to the study to speak with Sister, fair Anonymous,” a voice whispers directly into your ear.

You nearly have a goddamn heart attack as Luna steps out of the shadows right beside you, her starry mane and tail billowing in an unseen breeze. The ponies around you all gasp and bow.

“L-Luna!” you stammer, clutching your heart. “You scared the crap out of me!”

She smiles. “Huzzah, then our ploy was a success! Forgive us, t'was merely a little revenge for our defeat at your... hands, during the Trial of Twos.” She steps forward to nuzzle you but suddenly finds herself blocked by Rainbow, Applejack and even Fluttershy, who've all instinctively risen and moved between the two of you. Their eyes all lock with Luna's for a moment before they realize what they're doing and return to bowing.

Luna turns to you with the biggest, most mischievous smile you've ever seen. “Well, well. We trust your trip to Canterlot was enjoyable?”

You start to sweat. “Yeah, we played cards and, uh, sang a song. It was great.”

The Princess giggles. “Indeed? We shall like to hear all about it later. Now then, come everypony, let us not keep Sister waiting.”

Luna bypasses the stairs and flies directly to the top of the tower. Rainbow almost does the same, but decides to hover with you instead as you all start your ascent. When you reach the top, you see the two Alicorn Princesses standing in what looks to be a private library. Shelves populated with books of all kinds line the large room. A stone fireplace blazes on the far wall, with magical lamps evening out the room's lighting. In the center of the room sits a pedestal with a single book atop it, and you make a mental note to avoid slipping on any juices Twilight might be leaking at the sight.

The pure white Alicorn on the other side of the room smiles when she notices all of you. “Ah, Twilight Sparkle and her dear friends. Thank you for coming all this way at such a late hour. Though Anonymous, I believe you are slightly overdressed for this meeting.”

The gathered ponies share a laugh amongst themselves while you just roll your eyes and Luna mouths 'forgive us' to you behind her sister's back.

Twilight steps forward. “Princess, what's this all about? I'm sorry, but your letter was kind of... vague.”

“And for that I apologize, my faithful student. I have called all of you here because Equestria has need of the Elements of Harmony once again. Recently, an ancient artifact of great destructive power was uncovered and activated, endangering the very world itself.”

Celestia levitates the book from the pedestal in front of the assembled ponies. Hey, wait, isn't that...?

“T-The Forbidden Tome!” Twilight squeaks. “B-B-But I thought I put it back in its hiding place in the library! Princess, I'm so, so sorry for what happened when I found it, I never—”

Celestia holds up a hoof. “It's all right, Twilight. When I received your friendship report regarding the meteor incident, I knew exactly what book you were referencing and asked Luna to retrieve it without your knowledge as soon as we returned from our visit to the Crystal Empire. This 'Forbidden Tome', as you so call it, is actually the Grimoire of Nightmare Moon, a compendium of all the dark spells and rituals she crafted during her rebellion against Equestria.”

The ponies all look stunned, though you're completely lost since you don't know shit about magic.

Applejack blinks. “Wait just a doggone minute. So, yer tellin' us that a dangerous thing like that was just sittin' around in the Ponyville library?! What in tarnation was it doin' there in the first place?”

Luna steps next to Celestia with an exasperated look on her face. “Unfortunately, when it comes to securing dangerous magical artifacts, Sister's decision making is... lacking.”

“You're never going to let me live the whole 'Discord-statue-placed-in-the-royal-gardens-and-accessible-to-the-general-public' thing down, are you Lulu?”

Luna smiles. “Nay!”

The Princess of the Sun turns and huffs. “In my defense, I placed the Grimoire in a hidden compartment in the library of a backwater farming village behind the section containing books on ancient Equestrian tax policy. I thought it was a foolproof plan!”

Luna sighs and facehoofs. “And then you staffed said library with the biggest 'turbo-nerd' of the current era. Your own machinations were your downfall, Sister.”

Oh god. Trynottolaugh, trynottolaugh...

“Pffft Hahahaha!”

Yeah, you and Rainbow both lost. Twilight conjures up a rolled up newspaper and smacks both of you in the back of the head.

“Regardless,” Celestia continues, “The true threat of the Grimoire is not the spells it contains, dangerous as they are, but its very nature. This is not just a book, My Little Ponies, it is a magical spell given form.”

Purple Pone chimes in: “You mean like a spell scroll, Princess?”

“Yes, it is similar, but much more powerful. As you know, the spells stored in scrolls and gems consume them when activated. However, the Grimoire remains no matter how many times its 'spell' is cast. All it needs to be activated is a sufficient source of unicorn magic...”

“...W-Which I may have provided during my testing with the book...” Twilight's starting to look a bit pale.

Celestia nods. “That's right. Based on your report, the Grimoire's spell was cast three, possibly four times due to your magical input.”

Rarity looks around nervously. “What does the spell do, Princess?”

Instead of answering, Celestia turns to Luna who begins to explain. “To understand the spell, you must understand what Nightmare Moon truly was. Every creature in our world is gifted with an ember of magic, integral to their very being, which continuously flows through the astral body and mind granting power and resolve, just as blood does for the physical body. Nightmare Moon was our 'ember' of magic transformed into a bonfire; a manifestation of our power in its most perfect form. When this happens, the overwhelming power clouds the mind and the true self is lost to dreams and confusion.”

Pinkie jumps up. “Oh, oh, I get it! It makes you super powerful, but also crazy, right?”

Luna looks annoyed. “Yes, Laughter, if you must put it that way... The Grimoire's spell ignites the magical ember within a creature, causing it to undergo this transformation over time. It is extremely dangerous.”

“So... you're saying there could be up to four Nightmare Moons running around out there?!” you exclaim.

Celestia nods. “That is correct, but keep in mind that for an average creature, full manifestation will take several weeks, so they shouldn't appear anytime soon. Our greatest problem is that we don't know which ponies were affected, though the spell likely could not travel beyond the borders of Ponyville. We need the Elements because they are one of the only ways to break this spell on a creature without ending its life.”

She levitates a box forward which opens to reveal the Elements of Harmony necklaces and tiara, and the six ponies quickly retrieve their respective Element.

Celestia smiles. “Very good. Now, I must warn you that—”

“Wh-whoa! I'm twitching all over!!”

Everyone in the room turns to Pinkie, who looks like she's having an epileptic seizure or something. Oh fuck, if she's one of the ones who got zapped with that spell you're probably all doomed...

She flops around a bit more. “T-This is a new one, but I can tell it's gonna be a doozy, guys!”

Fluttershy's ears suddenly perk up. “Um... did anypony hear that?” she asks as she glances around the room.

“I said, 'I brought you a letter~'“ an oddly sinister-sounding voice replies.

Everyone turns toward this new sound and there, standing at the top of the staircase is...

“Derpy?!”

“That's my name, don't wear it out!” she chirps.

Celestia calmly trots over to the unexpected arrival, a motherly smile on her muzzle. “How did you get past the guards, dear?”

Derpy smiles back. “Oh, I gave them a special delivery... of pain. Oh!” She flutters around in excitement. “The Sun and the Moon and the Elements are here! It's like all my greatest obstacles to world domination have been giftwrapped and mailed to me first class. Hooray!”

Rainbow lands next to the gray mailmare. “Uh, Derpy, are you okay? You're acting, well, weirder than usual.”

She nods. “Oh, I sure am, Rainbow Dash. Better than okay actually. I can see time now!”

Rainbow chuckles. “Sure, Derpy, su— hey, what the?!”

Before anyone can react, or even figure out what happened, Derpy's somehow wearing Rainbow’s Element of Loyalty necklace. She takes flight again, admiring her new jewelry.

“No using the Elements on me, Rainbow Dash. Nope-nope! Nooooot gonna happen. Not before this world burns to ashes, anyway.”

“It appears we have our first Nightmare manifestation...” Luna says with a frown.

Celestia turns to her sister and gapes. “Already?! It shouldn't be possible, unless that pony possessed an inordinate amount of magical power to begin with...”

“Princess, what do we do?” Twilight asks, her voice fraught with worry. “We can't use the Elements without Rainbow...”

Celestia steps forward. “Not to worry, Twilight. Once I restrain her, simply retrieve the Loyalty necklace and use the Elements and this problem will be dealt with.”

The white alicorn's horn begins to glow, but before anyone can blink Derpy's suddenly standing on Celestia’s back.

“No alicorns! Alicorns are OP! Nighty-night!” A gray hoof klonks Celestia on the back of the head and she's down for the count.

Holy shit, what?!

“P-Princess!” the little ponies cry out in shock, completely at a loss as to what they just witnessed.

Derpy grins menacingly at Luna. “You're next, Loony-Moony!”

“Everypony, listen very carefully,” Luna calmly commands as she takes a cautious step backwards. “We need time to determine what sort of magic she's using and to devise a counter. You must stall her until we return! Kindness, protect Anonymous as you were ordered, do you understand?”

Fluttershy trembles like a leaf. “B-B-But...”

The Princess of the Night softly smiles at the frightened little pegasus. “We have absolute faith in you. Please, have faith in us in return.” And with that, she vanishes in a flash of teleportation magic along with Celestia's unconscious body.

Okay. Looks like it's just you and the EoH versus Derp Horse, who was somehow able to take down Celestia in one hit. How... how hard could it be, right?

Twilight scowls at Derpy, fire burning in her eyes. “Okay girls, formation epsilon-niner-hotel!”

Everyone else responds with a collective “What?”

“Oh come on!” she whines. “Did you not review the newsletter I sent to each of you regarding tactics for fighting world-threatening foes? For Celestia's sake what do you ponies do in your spare time?!”

The other five Elements assume various guilty-looking expressions. Oh boy.

Twilight smacks her forehead with a hoof. “N-Nevermind. Just get her!”

With that, Fluttershy skitters to your side while Rainbow, Twilight and Applejack form up to face Derpy. Rarity positions herself for ranged support and Pinkie sits on the sidelines stuffing popcorn into her mouth. Yeah, this is probably gonna be good. You wonder if Pinkie will share any of her popcorn with you...

Rainbow kicks things off by launching into the air and zooming behind Derpy while Applejack charges from the front and Twilight channels a spell. Wow, did they practice this beforehand?

The derp-eyed pegasus rears back in surprise. “Whoa! You guys are serious, huh? Time to serenely skedaddle~” She takes to the air to avoid Applejack, but has to immediately return to the ground again or risk a tackle from the airborne Rainbow Dash. It all happens so quickly that she has no time to dodge the spell Twilight's fired. It looks like it's going to be a direct hit!

And then suddenly Rainbow's in the line of fire. The spell connects and traps her in the same type of bubble shield Twilight used during Luna's game, and she doesn't look happy.

“Dammit, Twilight, what the buck're you doing?!”

“I-I don't get it!” the unicorn cries. “You were nowhere near the path of my spell! What the hay is going on here...?”

“I dunno, you tell me, smarty-pants!” Twilight freezes in fear when she hears Derpy's voice directly beside her. When did she get over there?! “Oh wait, you can't cause you're going nighty-night now.” With a *klonk*, Twilight is KO'd.

Aw shit, this isn't looking good.

“Whew~! Magic sure is dangerous, huh?” Derpy says with a giggle. “Whoa, this looks like fun!” The blonde pegasus runs up to the trapped-in-a-sphere Rainbow Dash and starts rolling her around. Man, you don't think you've ever seen Dash look so pissed.

Pinkie laughs at the sight. “I know, that's what I said!” She tosses her popcorn away and merrily hops over toward Derpy, but you could swear her mane's starting to deflate... “But you shouldn't pick on my friends like that, or else I'll have to punish you...”

Derpy gasps. “Whoa, scary! Hey Pinkie, wanna hear a joke?”

The Party Pony's mane immediately reinflates. “Oh, a joke?! Tell me tell me tell me!”

“Knock knock?”

“Who's there?”

*KLONK* And Pinkie's down. For fuck's sake... you turn to Fluttershy who's cowering behind your legs.

“I... I think we need to do something, Flutters. She's kinda wiping the floor with us.”

You just get a whimper in response. Not good.

Applejack snorts, her teeth grinding in anger. “Ah've had just about enough'a this. Back me up, Rares.”

“I quite agree,” Rarity says as she pats her mane to make sure it’s still pristine. “This uncouth behavior cannot be allowed to continue.” Her horn shines and various books and other loose objects around the room begin to levitate and form a whirlwind of random stuff. Though this doesn't do anything to hurt Derpy, it does obscure Applejack's bullet-like approach, which the loopy pegasus only barely manages to dodge by taking to the air at the last possible second.

“Ah gotcha, ya varmint! That's exactly what ah wanted ya ta do!” Applejack, her lasso already primed, perfectly tosses it like you'd expect a rodeo champion would. At this range and angle it's impossible for her to miss...

...and then the rope wraps around Rarity's legs and pulls her to the floor, and an impact with the stone of Celestia's study has the poor unicorn seeing stars.

What. The. Fuck?!

“Rarity?! What in tarnation is happenin' here? Ya were damn near on the other side of the room!”

Derpy nods her head sagely. “Yes, yes, truly a vexing phenomenon, wouldn't you say, madame Applejack? Also, klonk.”

And there goes AJ. Man, you guys are fucked now. Nightmare Derpy turns her eye(s) toward you and Fluttershy, her last remaining obstacles.

“Well, I guess this is how the muffin crumbles, or whatever that saying is. I don't really do much reading. But don't worry! When the new world rises from the ashes of the old, there'll be a place for you, Anon. You were always nice to me...”

Okay, think Anon. How can you and Fluttershy beat her? It's almost like she's instantly teleporting herself and other objects around or something, but that doesn't make sense with what little you know about teleportation magic...

Anonymous, Kindness, can you hear us? Do not speak aloud, think your answer and we will hear.

Ah, voices in your head now! This just keeps getting better and better... might as well humor them.

Luna, is that you?

You notice Fluttershy's fear subside and her ears twitch a few times. She must be hearing it too!

Indeed. We have discerned the nature of this Nightmare's magic. She has the ability to stop time for several seconds when her two eyes align properly. It is a level of Time Magic we have never experienced before, but we know it can be overcome. Anonymous, Kindness, if you can prevent her eyes from aligning for but a few moments we will do the rest...

Stopping time...? Of course! It would seem like she's teleporting, and if time was stopped she could move other ponies into the path of attacks aimed at her. Talk about a fucking cheap ability...

You place a hand on Fluttershy's head and scratch behind her ears a bit. You're no fighter, but you think you have a strategy that'll work here.

“You ready for this, Flutters?”

She smiles. “I'm scared, but if you're here with me, I think so. Um, also, that f-feels really good and... pleasedon'teverstop...”

Yep, that's your Fluttershy all right.

You blink and Derpy has instantly closed the distance between you, causing you to stumble backwards in surprise.

“W-Wait, Derpy!” you plead. “Before you klonk me, how about a hug for old time's sake?”

She derpily ponders, her eyes rolling around a bit. “Hmmmm... okay! You always give the best hugs, Anon!”

The two of you embrace in a gentle hug. Hopefully this is gonna work...

3...
2...
1...

“YOU TRY TO TAKE MY MAN, I RUIN YOUR PLAN!!”

Fluttershy is seething with rage. Before Derpy knows what's going on, Yellowquiet's bucked her so hard even Applejack would be left speechless. Derpy flies across the room and crashes into a bookshelf, sending a mountain of books on top of her head.

“Wh-whoa... did anypony get the number of that carriage...?” says the dazed pegasus, her eyes swirling around like two roulette wheels in Vegas. A blue-coated alicorn steps out of the shadows beside her, and Derpy attempts to focus her vision to no avail.

“U-Uh... oh...”

Luna's horn shines and a series of arcane bindings instantly appear around Derpy's body, restraining her hooves, wings, and most importantly covering her eyes. Finally, the alicorn's hoof reaches forward and removes the Element of Loyalty necklace from the now completely restrained pony.

“I just don't know what went wrong!” Derpy whimpers.

Luna trots over to you and Fluttershy, all smiles. “This spell should restrain her power until we can assemble the Elements to purge the Nightmare manifestation from her body. Well done, Anonymous and Kindness! We knew our faith in you was well placed.”

“Don't thank me, it was all her!” You playfully nudge Fluttershy and, just for the heck of it, you give those yellow ears another scratch, prompting her to squee. You know you probably shouldn't be encouraging her, but given the circumstances she deserves a bit of a reward.

A while later, the Elements and Celestia are revived and they successfully rainbow blast Derpy to purge her of her Nightmare powers, leaving her dazed, confused, but no worse for wear. One down, two or three to go, you guess… but yeah, you’d rather not think about it right now.

Once everything's been taken care of and the mess from the fight has been cleaned up, you start to notice that all the little ponies are yawning and sluggish, and Celestia suggests putting everyone in the guest quarters for the night so you can get some rest and return to Ponyville in the morning. You all readily agree.

After exploring the extremely expensive looking royal guest room for a few minutes, you neatly remove your fancy suit (wouldn't want to mess it up any more or risk Rarity's wrath...) and collapse on the extremely expensive looking but very comfy royal guest bed.

“Man, what a night...”

You hear a giggle beside you. “Yes, we quite agree. Most unexpected.”

You instantly bolt up in surprise. There, sitting next to you, is the Princess of the Night, minus her royal regalia. You let out a sigh of relief and flop back on your pillow, utterly exhausted.

“If you keep doing that you're gonna start shaving years off my life.”

She doesn’t reply, and after a bit of time you turn your head to meet hers. Luna’s beautiful cyan eyes waste no time in capturing you, and you hold each other's gaze for several moments.

You chuckle. “I... never thought I'd be saying this to a pretty girl, but...”

She smiles. “You are tired, we know. It was quite an eventful evening. Rest, Anonymous, it is well deserved. We shall only be a little bit selfish and use you in place of the royal stuffed animals.”

Her hooves reach forward and wrap you in her embrace. You sigh and hug back.

“Something troubles you?” she asks.

“We... never got to have our date.”

“Ah, we see. Do not worry. Things such as this have a way of working out.”

Yeah, maybe so. There’s always tomorrow, right?

You close your eyes and drift off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~

You're standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking an endless field of lilies. The moon shines brighter, yet gentler than the noonday sun, illuminating the world with its soft warmth. You straighten the bowtie of your perfectly restored fancy suit as Princess Luna trots up to your side.

“Shall we begin the date, fair Anonymous?”

“Interesting choice for a location. I like it!” you say, taking in the whole of the amazing scenery.

She giggles. “Did you really wish to have a boring dinner in that stuffy old castle? Come, if you catch us, you shall receive a reward!”

She spreads her wings and leaps from the cliff. After a bit of trepidation, you leap as well, and the two of you are flying across the moonlit field, dancing in the sky.

You were right, this was a night to remember, and who knows what tomorrow will bring? There’s certainly a lot to consider in light of what happened.

But to be honest, at this moment, as you soar past one another under the moonlight… tomorrow is the furthest thing from your mind.

8 - Into the Forest

“Ugh...”

Sense of touch is back. You're laying down on something comfy. You're covered and warm. So far, so good.

Sense of taste is back. Yep, alcohol. Moving your tongue around you find some stale popcorn kernels between your teeth.

Sense of smell is back. Alcohol again. And some righteous morning breath... good god.

Sense of hearing is back. Snoring. And there's only one creature in this world that snores like THAT when she sleeps...

Okay, last one... sense of sight— AH! Too bright, too bright! Okay, one more time...

You slowly open your eyes and see exactly what you were expecting. You're in your living room, laying on the couch. The TV screen's nothing but static. You're surrounded by a bunch of discarded cans of cheap beer, a couple of overturned bowls of popcorn, and junkfood wrappers everywhere. The morning sun's rays are harshly streaming through the nearby window, giving your improvised blanket an almost angelic quality.

But no angel has breath this bad. No way.

Rainbow Dash is snoozing away on top of you, all four legs, both wings, and wild mane and tail spread out and draped all across your body. A puddle of pony drool is collecting on your shirt. You ponder for a moment how she can smell like a sunny field after a spring rain and the bathroom of the local bar at the same time, but aside from that and the noise, she makes a damn good blanket.

A quick status check reveals: pants are ON. We're good to go here.

You were kind of nervous about this upcoming movie night after Rainbow's confession on the train. Other than her being more touchy-feely, nothing really changed. You both had a great time watching and making fun of terrible old monster movies together, just like always.

In fact, you'd say it was even better than usual. Now that she didn't have to pretend anymore, there wasn't even a hint of spaghetti seepage from her. The speedy little pony was able to genuinely enjoy spending time with you, and you with her. Memories of laughing together while shoveling beer and popcorn into your mouths in front of the TV last night draw a smile out of you, and before you know it you're reaching a hand forward and scratching those laid-back pony ears.

...Hey, there's something written on your forearm in magic marker.

/!\ Don't scratch her ears when she's sleeping on you. /!\

Oh yeah, you wrote that on yourself last night before Rainbow got here because...

Oh no.

You FUCKING IDIOT!

It starts immediately. Her ears flick a few times, her snoring hitches, her tail thrashes twice and four hooves engage like a lock around your body. And then she gets that stupid dopey grin on her face.

Oh, she's not awake. It'd take a miracle to wake her before noon after a movie night. But she IS now attached to you like a headcrab, or torsocrab in this case, and you're not gonna be able to pry her loose now. You've been down this road before.

You stare longingly across the room at the entrance to your downstairs bathroom. You really need to piss but accomplishing that with your new cyan pone tumor is going to require a feat of dexterity that you're not sure your slightly hungover body is capable of.

As you start to formulate a plan of attack, a section of your hardwood floor begins to rattle and then lifts up, revealing Yellowquiet wearing a pair of pony overalls and a miner's hat. So THAT's how she's been getting in lately without breaking your windows!

Minershy does a double take when she sees you. “Eeeeeeep! Y-Y-You're still here?!?!”

“Why wouldn't I be?” you reply while giving a half-hearted annoyed stare. Goddamn it's way too early for this shit...

She looks around. “Um... well... it's Monday morning so you're usually...” Her eyes narrow. “Wait right there, mister, what've you been doing with Rainbow Dash...?”

“IT'S MONDAY?!” you scream.

Instantly, you bolt up off the couch, Rainbow still clinging to you. Shit, shit, shit, you completely forgot you rescheduled movie night to Sunday! If you don't get to work soon you're gonna get a lecture about punctuality and responsibility from Applejack! It's worse than a Twilight lecture since you can't tune it out when your very soul is being crushed by the weight of the half-restrained look of disappointment in her emerald eyes. Goddammit, you were late one time! ONE TIME!

You send those thoughts back to your mental lockbox of repressed memories. Yeah, you'd rather die than go through that again. A nervous glance at the clock on the wall reveals... there's still time!

In a flash, you're out the door, trying not to let Rainbow's dangling tail trip you up as you make your way to Sweet Apple Acres, with Fluttershy right on your heels.

“You get back here and explain yourself this instant! Did... did she guess your fetish?! What was it? Is it lazy, rainbow-maned tomboy pegasi with no manners or tact and a constant need for external validation?! Oh, Fluttershy, you should've known!”

“For fuck's sake, NO!” you yell back at her. “Now leave me alone, I've gotta get to work before AJ guilt trips me into suicide!”

“I...I can look and act just like her if you want, I've done it before! We can have a threesome!”

“Go steal more of my underwear or masturbate into my milk carton or whatever the hell it is you planned to do today!”

Your voices echo through the market square as you speed along. Most ponies only give you a passing glance since this stuff comes with the territory when living near good ol' Anon. Yep, plummeting property values and crazy rapist ponies. That, and Ponyville citizens also have a high tolerance for crazy shit in general considering any day Twilight isn't destroying the town is a good day.

You tear past Ponyville Elementary much sooner than expected and suddenly realize you're going fast. Like, REALLY fast. Continuous contact with Rainbow must be transferring some of her latent pegasi magic to you or something. You feel incredibly light...

You turn to stick your tongue out at Flutters road runner style, but she's already vanished in the distance. She must've given up and turned back since she can't handle your raw goddamn speed. You briefly wonder if the Pone Olympics would consider you attaching Rainbow to your chest as an illegal performance enhancing supplement. You could probably hide her under a baggy shirt or something and just claim you're fat, but would she show up on a urine test...?

Oh wait, you can see the endless orchards of the Acres looming in the distance already! You're... you're gonna make it, Anon!

By your watch you're five minutes early as you cross underneath the vine-covered wooden arch that signifies the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres. You raise your hands to the sky in triumph!

“YEEEESSSSS! Suck it Treekicker, I'm here on time! Thanks for the boost, Rainbow.”

You give the Rainbow-maned pony attached to your body a noogie of appreciation. She responds by snorting in her sleep and drooling on you some more.

Your first order of business is to head to a secluded area behind the barn and empty your bladder. The memory of leaning against a tree with one arm holding Rainbow's tail aside so you don't piss on it is another one that's going to the ol' lockbox. At least she didn't wake up.

After you're emptied and feeling 100% better, you begin to track down Apple Pone to see what your job for today will be. Odd, she's not in the big barn or any of the nearby fields...

Just as you're about to head to the farmhouse you catch the unmistakable red coat of Big Macintosh as he returns to the barn with a stack of freshly bucked baskets of apples on his back. You wave and he trots over to you. The stallion looks you up and down for several seconds and shifts the wheat sprig in his mouth a few times, his expression unreadable.

“Howdy, Anon. Ya've got somethin' on yer shirt.”

You look down at the snoozing pegasus and shrug. “Yeah, not even Mr Sparkle detergent'll wash this stain out. Where's AJ? I need to find out what we're working on today.”

Mac moves his head to glance at the farmhouse in the distance. “She's been feelin' under the weather lately, so ah convinced her to take the day off.”

“You convinced Applejack to take a day off? How?”

He turns and shows you his other side, fresh bruises from what was probably a full powered buck starting to show under his coat. “We had a discussion 'bout it an' she saw mah point'a view. Eeyup.”

Ouch. But siblings will be siblings, you guess. You help unload the baskets for him and he starts to head back to the fields.

“Ah know the two of ya usually work together so ya don't have to work today if ya don't want to, Anon. But if ya still feel up to it, ah could use yer help with collectin' over in the southwest orchard.”

“Sure thing.”

Yeah, having an excuse to skip work is always nice, but Mac deserves a helping hand every once in a while, especially since he has to take care of his two overly stubborn and precocious sisters and aging grandmother. You honestly don't know how he does it.

He's also been a total bro to you since you came here. He and AJ were the first ponies to give you a chance, even before Fluttershy had the nerve to work up the courage to speak to you. They gave you a job and even a place to stay as you got settled in. Without them, you'd probably be locked up in Fluttershy's cottage or mauled to death by some crazy Everfree monster by now.

The two of you reach the orchard and begin your respective tasks. Your shitty human legs aren't suited for bucking apples (learned the hard way), but you quickly found you can help in other ways. In addition to speeding things up by placing the baskets, your hands allow you to quickly retrieve missed apples and sort them prior to moving them back to the barn. Your super monkey powers also let you climb the trees to prune dead limbs without having to lasso them. With you around, AJ and Mac can focus on kickin' dem trees and the efficiency of the farm has improved. They quickly asked you to stay on full time and have been very generous with your pay.

You set up the next set of baskets and Mac kicks a single leg back. A shower of apples rains down, along with something else that smashes into your right shoulder, sending you tumbling to the ground! You shake your head to get your bearings after the fall. Thankfully, you managed to twist around to avoid crushing Rainbow...

“What have ah told ya about messin' around in our trees an' harassin' our employees?! Get on outta here!”

“Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry!!”

You turn to see a trembling ball of Butter Squeak cowering behind you. Mac's leveling a death glare at her. Exhibit B for why he's a bro: Fluttershit is usually too terrified to try anything while he's around. Going to work is almost always a Flutter-free zone!

“What're you doing here, Fluttershy?” you ask while trying to massage the soreness in your shoulder away.

She lifts her head a bit, avoiding Mac's glare. “Um... I... I like to watch you work sometimes. It sure is a warm day today, huh? M-Maybe you should take off your shirt...”

Mac slams a hoof into the earth and Fluttershy squeaks and takes off like a bullet to hide behind some random tree in the distance.

The red pony sighs and shakes his head. “Ah swear, if she wasn't a friend'a AJ's ah'd have bucked her inta orbit by now. Ah dunno how ya stand it, Anon.”

“A flask of Sweet Apple Acres Reserve usually helps. C'mon, let's get the next one.”

You proceed to set up the next tree. Mac bucks, apples rain down, and something smashes into your shoulder, sending you to the ground AGAIN.

“Fluttershy, what the fuck?!”

You look to Mac to see if he's going to say anything but you find him bowing instead.

“Y-Yer Majesty!”

Oh no. A quick glances confirms it: there's Moonbutt laying on the grass beside you.

“Luna, what the fuck?!”

She blushes a bit and smiles. “Forgive us, fair Anonymous. It appears we have succumbed to the dreaded 'peer pressure'! We observed Kindness taking part in this activity and surmised that it was some sort of new youth culture ritual.”

Are you... what?! You can feel a headache approaching.

“Luna, if you saw everyone jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?!”

She ponders for a moment before answering, “We are an immortal alicorn of unfathomable power. With wings. So yes.”

Yep, headache's coming on full force now. As you massage your temples, Luna takes notice of the sleeping Rainbow Dash clinging to your body.

“Ah, you have Loyalty with you. This is most fortuitous as it saves us the trouble of finding her.” She trots over to Big Mac, who’s still bowing just a little ways away. “Rise, Macintosh Apple. We are here because we were hoping you could tell us the location of Honesty.”

Mac stands to his hooves. “Honesty? Oh, ya mean AJ? She's at the house restin'. W-What's this all about? It ain't one o' them 'fate of the world' things again, is it? Ah really don't think she's in good shape to go fightin' monsters or evil gods or whatnot right now.”

Luna chuckles. “Fear not, 'tis nothing like that. We appreciate your assistance. Though we must make one more request of you...”

Mac sighs and looks in your direction. “Just go ahead and take 'em. Ah wasn't expecting to get much done today anyway.” He winks at you. “Good luck there, partner. Tell AJ ah'm sorry when ya see her.”

“I will. Later, Mac. Don't work yourself too hard.”

Luna nods in approval. “Your farm shall be compensated for the lost labor by the royal treasury. Come, Anonymous.”

The two (well, three) of you make your way toward the farmhouse in the distance. As you walk, Fluttershy emerges from her hiding place to join you, nervously flittering beside Luna.

“Ah, our faithful Knight, Kindness. Very good, it seems we are all assembled.”

You glance at the alicorn by your side. “Not that I don't like seeing you, but care to tell me what exactly you're doing here?”

“We heard that Honesty has been feeling unwell, so we are paying her a visit, Anonymous. Is that not what you do for a sick friend?”

Her stoic expression is a little unreadable. Your danger sense, honed through your many interactions with Fluttershy, is starting to sound a faint warning.

“Well it is a nice thing for you to do, but why do you need me and Rainbow?”

Luna's lips curl into a smile. Then she starts chuckling. Then she starts laughing so hard that she has to stop walking to try and regain her composure.

You're totally lost. “What? What'd I say that was so funny?”

“N-No, 'tis n-not you, Anonymous,” she gasps out between giggles. “We have been trying to ignore it, but by being so close to Loyalty we cannot help but see her current dream. It... It is MOST amusing! Oh... by the Moon, we can't— HAHAHAHA~!”

Yeah, she's collapsed on the ground now. You and Fluttershy look on in concern.

“So? What's she dreaming about?” you ask.

Luna stands and wipes some tears from her eyes. “We... we cannot say. Dreamer-Dream Princess confidentiality prohibits it.”

“That's not a real thing.”

She turns her head up with pride. “No, it is not. However by our sovereign right as a Princess of Equestria, we declare it to now 'be a thing', so we cannot tell you.”

You laugh. This silly Moon Horse... when she gets in these playful moods, she's simultaneously a joy and a terror to be around. You reach a hand into her starry mane to scratch her head, and you feel her tense and then melt into your touch.

“Fine, be that way,” you whisper as you tickle behind her ears. “I'll just coax it out of you later.”

She sighs and leans a little closer as you walk. “We shall hold you to that.”

Before you know it you're on the porch of the Apple Family homestead. It doesn't look like anyone's home, so the four of you let yourselves in and make your way upstairs to Applejack's room. A knock on her door results in a familiar voice calling back.

“So, have ya finally seen reason an' realized ya need me out there after all, ya big lummox?” You hear hooves trotting on the wooden floor and the door opens. “It's about damn— Anon!” She rears up and prepares for a quick hug but stops when she sees Rainbow's already occupying the spot she wanted.

“Scratched her ears when she was sleepin', huh? Ah figured you'da learned yer lesson by now.”

You chuckle. “I guess not. Can we come in?”

“Well, sure!” She steps aside and you enter the room followed by Luna and Fluttershy. You notice that AJ's steps are a bit wobbly as she moves.

Her eyes widen when she sees all of you. “Shy? And the Princess too? What're y'all doin' here?”

“We all came by because we heard you weren't feeling well,” you say.

She huffs and trots over to the window. “Has that brother'a mine been runnin' his mouth again? Ah feel just fine. Just a little...” She lets out a big yawn. “...a little tired, is all.”

When she turns back you get a good look at her and notice the bags under her eyes, turned back ears, and slightly messed up / mis-tied mane. She looks like she's gone at least two days with very little to no sleep.

“Um, well, if you're so tired, and your brother's given you the day off, why not get some rest?” Fluttershy suggests. “You look really out of it, if you don't mind me saying.”

Applejack hops up on her bed. “Ah appreciate the suggestion, Shy, but ah don't wanna.”

“Why do you fear your dreams, Honesty?” Luna steps forward and looks AJ dead in the eyes. Her tone of voice is authoritative and it feels like the temperature in the room has dropped a few degrees.

“Ah ain't scared of nothin'.” True to her claim, the little earth pony unflinchingly glares back at Luna.

“Then you must sleep. We have heard the tale of the disasters which occurred in Ponyville the last time you went without rest. Do you truly wish to repeat such a thing?”

“Ah'm a big pony and can make my own decisions. Ah appreciate that ya came ta see me out of concern, but if yer just gonna stand there and lecture me maybe ya should leave!”

Luna steps back and turns away. “Very well. Though we do not agree, we respect your decision to– SLEEP!” Her horn flashes and a second later Applejack's out like a light, laid back on her pillow and snoozing away.

You turn to the others. “Wow, was it really that bad the last time this happened?”

Fluttershy shudders. “Um, we almost all died. Multiple times.”

Luna nods. “Yes, the report from Sister's student was quite grim. When we noticed that Honesty was not dreaming as normal over the last several nights we became concerned.”

“So your goal from the start was to just make her sleep, huh? I still don't get how this involves us, though.”

Luna's horn flashes again and Rainbow is teleported from your body into a corner of the room where she curls up and continues to snore.

“There is something she fears in her dreams, Anonymous. Otherwise she would not be so adamant about avoiding sleep.”

Aw shit, you can see where this is going. Looks like Fluttershy notices too because she begins to slink away as you start to back out of the room.

“Oh no. No, no, no. I am NOT going on some kind of wacky dream adventure through Applejack's subconscious in order to help her conquer her fear. I'm afraid my schedule's all booked up today, so...”

“Ah, but you are,” Luna says, her horn shining. She’s wearing that mischievous grin she sometimes gets that makes you really nervous. The door suddenly shuts, preventing your escape, and with another flash Fluttershy is snoozing away in the corner with Rainbow. Looks like you’re not getting out of this one, Anon…

You let out an exasperated sigh. “Why can't you do this? You're the expert on this stuff anyway, right?”

Luna giggles. “You do not understand a mare's heart at all, do you Anonymous? We would merely fight with each other all throughout the dream, but she will gladly listen to and cooperate with you. Loyalty and Kindness will accompany you as support should you need it.”

You look over at the sleeping farmpony. Already you can see her body twitching with discomfort, as if she's having a nightmare. Despite how annoying she can be sometimes, she's still a good friend and you'd hate to see her suffer...

“Okay, what do I need to do?”

The Night Princess smiles. “Splendid. Lay on the bed with Honesty.”

You lay next to the sleeping pony, overtop the covers, staring at the ceiling.

“Turn to her.” You do so and notice the pained expression on her face as she dreams.

“Wrap your arms around her.” Ooookay... you pull the sleeping pony into a light hug.

“Touch your foreheads together.”

“...Is this really necessary?” you ask, glancing back at her.

Luna scowls. “Remind us, which one of us here is the progenitor of all Dream Magic with thousands of years of experience in these matters?”

“Fine.” You brush a few locks of golden mane aside and gently touch your forehead to Applejack's. She seems to calm a bit.

“T-Touch her flank...” Okay, now you know she's just fucking with you.

“...Just cast the spell already.”

You hear a hum of magic and the world around you fades away.

~~~~~~~~~

“Anon. Hey, Anon. Anon. Hello...?”

You bat your arms at whatever's poking you and open your eyes. Two magenta eyes stare back.

“Rainbow?” You blink a few times, just to make sure it’s really her.

“You're finally awake!” she exclaims. “I never knew humans were so lazy!”

“Yeah, you're in no position to call me, or anyone else lazy, Speedysnooze.”

You pull yourself to your feet. Seems you're in some sort of apple orchard with Rainbow and Fluttershy. This is Applejack's dream, so it's not too unusual a setting. At least it's not some kind of bizarre Wizard of Oz crap...

Rainbow scoffs. “Psh, whatever. You were a lot cuter earlier in this dream anyway. The ballroom dancing was my favorite part.”

“...What?”

“Nevermind,” she says as she takes to the air to get a look around. You feel a tugging on your pant leg from Fluttershy.

“Anon, where are we? Is this a dream?”

“Yeah, Luna sent the three of us into Applejack's dream to help her get over whatever it is she's afraid of. I guess the first thing we need to do is find her.”

“She's right over here!” You hear the cyan pegasus call out from the sky. You and Fluttershy follow her path through the orchard until you come to a large tree.

“What the...?”

Bound to the tree by a bunch of dead and withered vines is Applejack, though she appears to be peacefully sleeping. You reach out and begin tearing the dead vines away and soon enough you're cradling the sleeping pony in your arms.

Her eyes flutter open. “Anon, Shy, Rainbow...? What're ya doin' here?”

You smile at her. “Hey, AJ. Luna sent us to help you with your nightmares.”

Applejack chuckles. “Is that so? That darn Princess, always stickin' her nose where it doesn't belong...” She hops out of your arms and trots around, testing her limbs. “Ah'm thankful that you're concerned about me, but it ain't worth it. We should stay here in the orchard till ah wake up.” She settles on the grass and looks toward the afternoon sun.

Fluttershy sighs with relief. “Th-That sounds like a good, safe idea.”

“Oh come on!” Rainbow yells as she flutters around the group. “AJ, you're telling me you're scared of a little old nightmare? I can't believe it. You're the strongest mare I know and you never give up! I just... I can't believe you're a scaredy cat...”

Applejack looks furious. “DON'T talk like ya understand this, ya overgrown buzzard!” Her outburst causes a huge flock of crows to scatter from all the nearby trees. “There're just some things ya shouldn't mess with!” She trots forward and taps Rainbow on the head. “But ya don't get stuff like that cause ya always fly headfirst inta anythin' without thinkin' it through!”

Rainbow smirks. “So you're saying you're a coward.”

“AH AIN'T YELLOW!”

“PROVE IT!”

Fluttershy looks at her hooves and sniffles. “It's... it's not so bad being yellow...”

You step between the two arguing mares. “Okay, that's enough you two. AJ, can you at least tell us what's going on?”

Orange Pone sighs and sits back on her haunches. “Ah've been having the same nightmare for the past several days. Ah can't rightly describe it, but it begins here and ends in the forest.” She turns her head to a point in the distance and you see what appears to be the entrance to the Everfree just on the horizon.

Rainbow shudders. “Yech. I don't blame you for being afraid... that place makes me nervous too.”

Applejack shakes her head. “It ain't the forest that ah'm afraid of, it's what's in it.”

“Is there a m-m-monster in there?” Fluttershy hides her head in her hooves and starts to tremble.

“Nah, it ain't a monster. Ah don't know what ta make of it... but it's terrifyin'.”

Rainbow flies up and strikes a confident pose. “Well whatever it is, if you want to get over it all we have to do is go in and face it together!”

“I agree with her,” you say with a nod. “The fastest way to overcome your fear is to confront it.”

Applejack stares at you for a good while in silence, a mix of subtle emotions playing on her face. Finally, she sighs and cracks a slight smile. “Okay, Anon. You win. If you're here with me ah'm willin' ta try.”

Rainbow hoof pumps. “Yeah, that's the spirit!”

Fluttershy just squeaks and begins resigning herself to the fact that she'll have to face something scary.

Together, the four of you begin to make your way to the entrance of the deep forest.

~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, this place is genuinely creepy. Applejack leads your group, with Rainbow right next to her and you bringing up the rear. Fluttershy is clinging to your lower back in absolute terror. Despite that, she's still aware enough to try to grab your crotch every once in a while.

But to be honest, batting away an exploring hoof every so often has become a welcome distraction from the silence. That's what really gets to you, it's dead fucking silent here. No birdsong, no insects, no animal calls. When the wind isn't rustling through the tree canopy it's like you've gone deaf. If you had a nightmare like this every night you'd be fighting sleep too.

Rainbow crosses her hooves as she lazily floats through the air. “How much longer? This is boring.”

“Ah told ya five minutes ago, we've got a couple'a more miles ta go till we get ta the end.”

“I thought you said this was going to be scary.”

Applejack grinds her teeth. “If ya don't like it, go back ta the orchard.”

“Okay, okay, geez. No need to lose your hat over it.” She drops back a little so that she's flying beside you and can whisper in your ear, “Yeesh, what's gotten under her coat all of a sudden?”

“Go easy on her,” you whisper back. “She's obviously stressed out over all of this. I know I would be.”

You smack away another grope attempt by Flutters as Rainbow flies back to talk to her.

“How're you doing back here, Shy? Having fun riding humanback?”

“Oh, hi Rainbow Dash. I'm fine as long as I concentrate on Anon and don't think about all the horrible things that could happen to us at any moment. Yes, just great.” You feel a wave of tremors move through her body.

Rainbow smiles, completely oblivious to her fear. “Great! I'm heading back up front.”

As she makes her way back to Applejack, a sound other than your footsteps pierces the perfect silence. It's subtle, but it sends a chill through your body.

It happens in an instant. A vine rockets from the earth underneath Rainbow and wraps itself around her back hoof. Before she can react, it pulls, slamming her into the ground hard.

“Rainbow!” you cry out.

“Aaaah! Ouch! Wh-what the...?” She attempts to ignore the pain and struggle to her hooves.

All the commotion alerts Applejack, who immediately comes running to help. More vines erupt from the ground, tightly wrapping around Rainbow's limbs and wings.

“Anon, AJ! Help!”

You pull on the vines, trying to break them until your palms start to burn, then bleed from the exertion, but they're incredibly strong; nothing like the ones that bound Applejack when you found her. The earth pony valiantly tries to chew her way through them, but it doesn’t have any effect at all. Shit, this isn't working! What can you do?!

“Please...” Rainbow gasps. “I... I can't breathe...”

“Don't talk! Save your breath!” you tell her as you continue to struggle. To your horror, you realize that her body is starting to sink into the earth. If you don't do something right now you're going to lose her!

AJ pulls on a vine with all her might, her teeth clamped as tight as she can manage, but it's not enough. She loses her grip and goes somersaulting backwards from the force. You desperately look around for a sharp rock, something, anything you can use to cut the vines! Fluttershy just stands there, paralyzed by fear as Rainbow continues to be dragged underground.

By the time you turn your attention back to her and Applejack recovers for another attempt, she's almost gone. You can see tears flowing from her eyes as she desperately tries to take her next breath.

You rush forward again, wrapping your shredded palms around the vines and pulling despite the immense pain, Applejack doing the same with her mouth.

“A...Anon... I'm...”

“No, Rainbow! I'm not giving up!”

“A-non... I...”

“RAINBOW!”

She's pulled under. You claw at the earth, but the network of vines just below the surface prevents you from digging more than an inch or two.

“NO!”

You slam your fists on the ground, tears spilling forth as an immense sense of loss washes over you. Applejack, her own tears flowing freely, puts a comforting hoof on your shoulder.

“Anon... ah know it's horrible, but... but ya have ta remember it's just a dream. She's just woken up, that's all.”

Yeah, that's right... it's just a dream. Rainbow is okay, and you'll see her again when it's all over...

As you stand, you bring your hands up and examine your mangled palms. It all feels so real... it's been a long time since you've experienced a genuine nightmare, and you'd forgotten how terrible they can truly be…

But it’s all the more reason to help Applejack get through this. You take a few unsteady steps, shaking off the last of your grief with the knowledge that it's not real. The anger you hold on to as strength. You WILL help AJ beat this thing...

“Wait.” Fluttershy's voice stops you in your tracks. You turn to see her still crying a bit. “Y-Your hands are hurt. Let me help you.”

It's odd, but from her tone of voice you can tell she's serious. You bend down and show your hands to Fluttershy. She examines them, then begins to lick the wounds. You almost pull away immediately, but something about the deliberateness of her motions stops you. This is the Fluttershy that takes care of sick or hurt animals; the Fluttershy that you don't often get to see.

Once she's done, she bites on your shirt sleeve and pulls, tearing off several chunks of fabric which she uses to dress the wounds.

“It's all I can do... we don't have any first aid supplies, and there isn't any water nearby...”

You smile at her. “It's fine. Thank you, Fluttershy.”

“It's... not fine. I was useless back there. I couldn't do anything to help...”

“Like AJ said, it's just a dream. Rainbow's safe.”

She whimpers. “I know, I just...”

Applejack gives Fluttershy a comforting hug. “C'mon girl, ah know it's tough, be we oughta keep movin'. The sooner we get there, the sooner this is all over.”

The three of you trudge through the forest, sticking much closer together than you were before. You're straining your ears to hear anything out of the ordinary and it's got you completely on edge.

The causal, laid-back mood from before is completely gone. You're mad and scared out of your wits, and Fluttershy's just plain terrified. AJ soldiers on like a true veteran of this place. You hope some of her strength rubs off on you.

“It's different.” Applejack's voice breaks the silence.

“What is?” you ask.

“The dream. Those vines usually snare me in the orchard and then die, but they've never hurt me, and ah've never seen 'em in the forest. It's different, and ah don't know what's gonna happen...”

You gently place a hand on her back to comfort her. “Well, why don’t you tell us how it normally happens?”

She changes her stride until your leg is brushing her side with each step. “Well... ah wake up in the orchard, and try ta get my work done like usual. Then, the vines appear and they capture me and I go ta sleep. When ah wake up, they're dead and ah can free myself, but ah feel... something, ah dunno what, callin' me from the forest. Ah walk for miles and miles in silence and come to a clearing with a pond, and then... ah dunno what happens, but ah'm cryin' and afraid; a fear like ah've never felt before... and then ah just wake up.”

“So, that means we're heading toward that clearing now?”

She nods. “It ain't far.”

You get a sinking feeling in your stomach. Whatever's going to happen there, you're certain you're not prepared for it, but you've gotta keep going. Applejack's gone through this how many times by herself, now? If the dream can change for the worse, maybe your presence can make it change for the better, too. That's obviously what Luna was intending by all this...

Fluttershy's scream pulls you from your thoughts. You spin around and see her bound on the ground by vines, just like Rainbow was. You rush to her immediately to attempt to free her, but...

“No, Anon! L-Leave me!”

You stagger back. “But… but why?!”

She gives you a small smile as you see her body begin to disappear beneath the earth. “It's... it's okay. Your hands are hurt already and you won't be able to save me, but you can still help Applejack, Anon. She's the one... who really needs you right now, not me...”

You blink back some tears. “Don't... don't try to grope me while I'm sleeping, okay? I'll get Luna to tell me if you do.”

She giggles. “Just this once... I promise.”

The vines pull her under, the last of her pink mane disappearing beneath the earth. You let out a heavy sigh and stand, your body jittery from the adrenaline coursing through it. Even though you know what's happening isn't real, it's still extremely difficult to deal with. Applejack trots next to you, staring at the spot where Fluttershy was pulled under.

“Ah'm sorry, Anon. Fer all of this. Ah should'a never agreed to take y'all here...”

“It's not your fault, it's this damn nightmare, and we're gonna beat it, AJ.”

“If... If you say so, sugarcube.”

The two of you turn and continue on down the path.

And just as Applejack said, the clearing comes into view soon enough. The sun shines down upon the small pond there, and everything remains eerily silent.

“This is it,” she says. “This is my fear.”

There, on a small island in the center of the pond, is a mass of vines. Their shape is odd, almost like... a throne?

The orange pony keeps walking, straight into the pond. Instead of sinking, her hooves cause ripples across the surface and she remains on top of the water. It doesn't look that shallow... you try it yourself with one foot and sink immediately. What the hell...?

You remain at the shore as Applejack reaches the island and takes a seat upon the throne of vines. The ties holding her mane and tail burn away, allowing them to flow freely as they glow in the sunlight shining down upon her.

“AJ, what's going on?”

“Ah know ya probably don't understand it. Ah didn't myself until ah talked ta Twi. It's kinda funny. Fer how smart she is, ah don't think she understood what ah was really askin'...”

The look she gives you next will forever be burned into your memory. Sadness, mixed with a sort of euphoria. You don't even know how to describe it, but you're lost in the emerald eyes locked with yours.

“The spell from Nightmare Moon's book... ah was one of the ones who was touched by it. These nightmares, they're showin' me what ah'm gonna become.”

No way...

“If that's true, then we have to stop it!” you cry.

She shakes her head. “It can't be stopped, Anon. Only the Elements of Harmony can break the spell, and ah'm the Element of Honesty. We were all in Ponyville that day... this is what the Princesses feared the most.”

“So, you're saying if the six of you used the Elements on yourselves, it wouldn't work?”

“It would, but it ain't possible. Anon, my greatest fear is knowin' that a part'a me WANTS this! Usin' the Elements with our hearts not in it is like not usin' 'em at all.”

You're speechless. If what she says is true, she can't be saved...

A gentle breeze flows through the forest clearing, sending AJ's mane and tail cascading about in the wind.

“Ah'm an Earth Pony, Anon. Most ponies, even other earth ponies and especially unicorns, don't understand our magic. Luna told ya how the Nightmare spell brings out a pony's magic and makes it perfect. Well...”

The clearing is cast into shadow. You turn your gaze to the sky to find huge vines converging far above you, blocking out the sun.

“Ah can make a seed grow into a sapling just by holdin' it in my hoof. Ah can make a tree grow tall and strong in the barren desert just by singin' it a lullaby...”

The vines merge, completing a dome above the clearing and casting you into total darkness.

“My magic is the earth itself, beyond the reach of even the sun or the moon.”

Countless phosphorescent flowers bloom everywhere, bathing the clearing in an orange glow that reflects across the pond and gives Applejack a ghostly, almost sinister appearance. The vines of her throne converge around her and pull her into the earth...

“Anon...” Her whisper echoes as she emerges right behind you. You're scared shitless and you're pretty sure your heart stopped a while ago.

“Ah ain't like Luna or Derpy. Ah don't want eternal night, ah don't want ta rule the world... ah just want one thing...”

Summoning every ounce of courage you can muster, you turn to face her. She's surrounded by the mystical glowing flowers and... she's crying?

“With this power, ah know ah could take ya from Luna. Ah don't know how, but ah'd find a way.” She rears up and places her hooves on your chest. “But ah also know that if ah did, and even if yer body was mine, ah wouldn't have yer heart, and ah'd have truly gained nothin' at all.”

“AJ...”

The vines above you separate, allowing the sun back into the clearing and bathing both of you in its warmth. You rest on the ground, holding the crying pony close. She presses her ear to your chest and listens to your heartbeat.

“Anon, do ya remember the first time we met? Ah couldn't believe it. This strange lookin' monkey was sittin' underneath one of our trees, eatin' our apples fer free.” She laughs. “My first thought was ta buck ya straight ta the moon.”

“But then... ah saw the look on yer face, the joy... like you'd been starvin' all yer life and this was yer first real meal. Somethin' about it touched me, and ah realized ah wanted to see that smile again.”

You do remember. You were nearly starving to death after stumbling out of the Everfree and into one of the orchards at Sweet Apple Acres. Meeting these colorful miniature talking horses for the first time was quite a trip.

The Apples took you in, you worked, made friends... and all along, AJ dropped hints that she was interested. Hints that you rebuffed because you couldn't see ponies that way at the time, but she persisted.

You realize now... if you just kept your heart open back then, you probably would've fallen for this pretty little pony. Or maybe you really did, and just kept denying it.

Before you notice, her lips are on yours and you're sharing a gentle kiss. She pulls away and a few tears fall. “For what can never be, sugarcube.”

Shit, you're starting to cry yourself. You pull her close.

“What do we do? How do we fix this?”

“Ah talked ta Twilight already. There ain't a way ta save me. Anon... ah wish things could'a been different. Ah wish you'd let me love you. Ah wish this damn Nightmare would end forever!”

The sun above glows so bright you're blinded, and a gale wind from nowhere tears through the clearing. You clutch Applejack close as leaves and branches whip all around you.

“What's happening?!” you yell, attempting to shield her with your body.

“Ah don't know. Ah don't know, but please don't let me go!”

“I won't! Not now, not ever...”

The very ground beneath you collapses and your consciousness fades.

~~~~~~~~~

You open your eyes and those beautiful emerald orbs are staring back at you. You're holding Applejack on her bed in the same position in which you fell asleep.

She smiles. “Ya kept yer promise... ah kinda felt it... you were holdin' me the entire time, weren't ya?”

You smile back. “...Eeyup.”

“Oh my, are you two all right?” A concerned looking Fluttershy trots up to the side of the bed. You turn and ruffle her mane. “We're fine. How about you?”

“Oh, I'm okay, I guess. Getting eaten by the ground was scary, but I woke up just fine.”

“Honesty.” Luna's voice rings out across the room as she approaches, and Applejack bolts upright in the bed.

“Princess! Ah...”

She holds up a hoof. “Words cannot express how proud we are of you. You have accomplished what even we could not... you felt the temptation of the Nightmare and rejected it wholeheartedly. We have confirmed it; not a trace of the magic remains within you.”

Your eyes widen. “Wait, you mean she's cured?!”

Luna smiles. “Indeed. When the Nightmare magic begins to manifest, it first appears in one's dreams before it completely takes hold of the body. In this state, it can be rejected if the will of the afflicted is strong enough. This rarely happens as most of those under the influence of the spell have cast it upon themselves willingly, and those who have not often give into the temptation. Even if we had wished to resist the spell ourself in that age long past, we would not have been able to. What Honesty has accomplished here is quite incredible.”

Applejack blushes and turns to you. “Ah didn't do it alone, Princess.”

The Princess of the Night looks on mischievously. “Yes, when Anonymous is involved the odds of miracles happening appears to increase, wouldn't you say?”

Your body tenses. “Luna... you knew she was fighting this thing all along, didn't you? That's why you brought us here! But why didn't you say anything beforehand?”

“We are the Princess of the Night and Dreams, Anonymous. No dream within the borders of Equestria escapes us. But we could not speak due to Dreamer-Dream Princess confidentiality, which is a thing, if we must remind you.”

You roll your eyes. Fucking Moon Horse and her fucking mastermind plans. At least everything worked out.

Putting that thought aside, you glance around. “Hey, wait a minute, where's Rainbow?”

“She is still sleeping,” Luna answers. “She was already dreaming when we sent her and Kindness along with you, so she returned to her own dream after leaving Honesty's.”

As if on cue, the plucky pegasus yawns from her corner and lifts her head.

“Ugh, what a weird bunch of dreams. First I had a water balloon fight with Anon and kept trying to get him to take off his shirt and we made out, then I got Rarity to make me a dumb dress and went ballroom dancing with him and LIKED it, then I went with him and Applejack and Fluttershy into the woods and got eaten, then I–” She cuts off when she opens her eyes. “–This isn't my house, and you all heard that, didn't you?”

You all give her a series of nods as you try to contain your laughter. Rainbow turns crimson and switches to spaghetti seepage mode.

“I'vegotsomewhereIneedtobegottagobye!” She's out the door in a flash, just as your laughter starts resounding within the room.

Another nightmare has been overcome, but more still await. Yet, as you glance down at Applejack and she meets your gaze for just an instant, you somehow get the feeling that you’ll be ready.

…Maybe.

~~~~~~~~

Everyone says goodbye to Applejack as they shuffle out of the room. She just flops back on her bed, exhausted from her ordeal…

But she catches sight of Luna, the last to leave, and their eyes meet. Something is different, like they're kindred spirits now, and she feels compelled to speak.

“Luna.”

“Applejack.”

“…Ah love him. And if ya don't stop me right now, ah'll win him from ya, fair and square.”

The Princess smiles. “We know this. And it is why we have chosen you.”

Without another word, she steps through the door, closing it behind her.

Applejack lays back down, but before she closes her eyes, a shimmering light from nearby catches her attention. She turns to her dresser, where a shiny sapphire pendant is now resting. She lifts it and examines the stone. It's beautiful, but where did it come from?

She sets it back down. There'll be time to find the owner later. For now, she drifts off into a calm, dreamless sleep.

9 - Retro Revival

Okay… okay… you’re probably safe now. Yeah, that was— OH FUCK!

A thin pink laser beam rips through the thick cloud of fog surrounding you, passing just inches from your body and blasting a small hole in the black and white checkerboard dance floor. You dive and roll away, trying to move deeper into the fog in an attempt to conceal yourself as one of the autonomous smiling flower-themed disco balls eerily floats nearby and searches for signs of life.

Okay, you’re not safe. Not even close.

“Like, quit being so lame and trying to hide, Anon! I totally know you're out there somewhere...”

Fuck, fuck, fuck... this is bad. You're completely separated from the others. Aside from the occasional blue and pink lasers that flash through the darkness, you can't see anything more than two feet in front of your face, and you don't dare call out for fear one of those Disco Smilies will hear and come after you. You're not sure if they can pick up sound and you're not brave enough to find out.

You blindly crawl through the fog as quietly as possible. The nearby Smiley has vanished... looking good so far…

…And then your face smashes into a frizzy pink tail caked with so much hairspray that the smell alone almost causes you to pass out. Its owner turns and reveals a glimmering braces-lined smile.

Yeah, you're dead.

The fog around you retreats a bit and the three flowery Disco Smilies return to their master, orbiting above her in a lazy pattern. Then the music starts again.

The cerise mare seductively adjusts her checkerboard neckerchief and hot pink hoof warmers and trots up to you as the orbiting Disco Smilies begin projecting non-lethal laser patterns in time with the music.

“Like, I've gotten rid of all those butt-ugly bimbettes, Anon. Now it's just you and me on this totally tubular dance floor, and we're gonna DANCE TO THE MAX FOREVER... or else...”

You gulp. “S-Sure thing, babe.”

You can feel your headache building to a crescendo. How the fuck did it come to this?!

You seem to remember stopping by Ponyville Elementary to deliver Applebloom's forgotten lunch bag (again) as a favor for Mac. Upon opening the door, instead of stepping into the schoolhouse interior you were thrust into some kind of bizarre pocket dimension consisting of a dimly lit checkerboard dance floor and huge piles of assorted 80’s memorabilia that seem to extend infinitely into the distance, with everything framed underneath a sunless pitch-black sky.

You promptly NOPE'd and turned around to get the hell outta there but, surprise surprise, the door was gone!

Then the lasers started flying, along with the sound of... pony covers of the 80's greatest dance hits? Yeah, turns out you'd stepped into the middle of a battle between the Elements of Harmony and a Nightmare-awakened spoiled 80's valley girl version of the normally reserved and polite Ms. Cheerilee. Fucking wonderful.

Needless to say, your sudden arrival threw the fight into chaos. Cheerilee, after squealing with delight that 'a stud was finally here', exploited the confusion to activate some sort of cheap fog machine, which quickly blanketed the area in a thick mist that limits both vision and hearing.

The school teacher turned New Wave Filly has been relentlessly stalking you through said fog for the past ten minutes. Looks like she really wanted a stallion as her dance partner, and apparently she'll even take a weird looking monkey from another world as a substitute. Lucky you!

You desperately try to think of a way out of this as she rears up and places a bracelet covered hoof on your chest.

“Like, why so nervous my hunky monkey? Cheeri say relax.” She begins to wiggle her flank in time with the music and you start to spastically dance to avoid pissing her off. Getting a laser up your ass was not on your to-do list today.

As the two of you boogie, your eyes wander to the three floating disco balls producing the dancing lights hovering above you. Together they resemble Cheerilee's three smiling flowers cutie mark. In addition to the mood lighting, each one is capable of producing a powerful destructive laser beam from any angle with almost no charge-up time. From what you've seen so far, she can telepathically move and fire them with pinpoint precision over a very long range, so your odds of escape without the aid of a major distraction are somewhere around zero.

As the jubilant mare before you spins and twirls with glee, you let out a quiet chuckle at the absurdity of it all. The 'perfect expression of her magic', as Moonbutt would put it, is the creation of an alternate retro dimension where she can dance to 80's disco music forever.

Ponies are fuckin' weird, man.

Cheerilee laughs and twirls one last time as the song ends. “Like, that dance was a total fun-o-rama, Anon! One more and maybe I'll let you go... PSYCH! Pwahahahaha!” A new song begins as she laughs.

“Sounds... uh... gnarly?”

“AHEM.”

The sound of another pony clearing her throat directs your attention to none other than Rarity, who's appeared at the edge of the circle of fog which surrounds you. She's wearing a set of retro saddlebags and looks to be barely containing her rage.

“Pardon moi, but did you happen to call me a, what was it, 'butt-ugly bimbette' earlier?”

Cheerilee sneers. “Like, so what if I did? What'cha gonna do about it, yuppie, tell my mom or something?”

Rarity nonchalantly brushes a hoof on her chest. “No, no, nothing like that. I will simply... DESTROY YOU!!”

Her horn glows and a small colorful cube-like object lifts from one of her saddlebags, then launches at high speed straight for Cheerilee's face. You jump back as far as you can from her just to be safe.

“Pwahaha~! As if that'll do anything you stupid wastoid!” One of the disco balls shines, then fires a laser which vaporizes the object before it can even come close to Cheerilee. Holy shit...

“Impressive,” the fashionista hums. “But how many can you handle at once, I wonder?” Her horn shines again and between 10 and 15 of the small objects lift from her saddlebags and hover in the air. As you get a good look at the different colors you realize they're actually pieces from disassembled Rubik's cubes! This just keeps getting weirder and weirder…

You notice Cheerilee looks a bit nervous for a moment, then determined as she stares down the white unicorn.

“Like, bring it on, fugly.”

You could swear you heard Squiggletail’s patience snap in half at that moment. Or maybe that was the sound of her teeth grinding in anger.

What happens next has your jaw on the floor. Rarity, horn blazing, launches a seemingly endless barrage of the cube pieces at the arrogant earth pony. Cheerilee responds by firing lasers from all three disco balls and intercepting each individual piece before it can reach her. There must be 20 or 30 of them being thrown per second and it goes on for a full minute, with not a single shot missed. Damn, how many of Rubik's cubes did she take apart to get so many pieces in the first place?!

Both ponies are sweating as they focus as hard as they can on each shot, trying to find a hole in the other's defense. It’s impressive as hell, but… hey, wait a minute... isn't this the opportunity to escape you were hoping for? Yeah, sure, why not!

But just as you start to slip away, the sound of lasers and explosions abruptly stops. You turn to find Rarity looking frightened and Cheerilee wearing a triumphant grin.

“Like, what's the matter, out of ammo?”

“Yes, it appears so,” the unicorn sighs in defeat. “However, my job here is done.”

Cheerilee's smile falters. “Like... what?”

There's a bright flash and you hear the deafening crack of an explosion just above you. A huge blast of compressed air rips through the endless dance floor, nearly knocking you off your feet and tearing away the rest of the lingering fog to reveal Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack and Pinkie Pie all nearby.

The shocked 80’s Pone turns to the sky and you do the same just in time to witness a ring of rainbow energy expanding across the pitch black sky just above Cheerilee's Disco Smilies, a multichromatic pegasus' trail leading out of its center as she banks around to join the rest of the Elements.

“It worked! It worked! The rainboom worked just like you said, Twilight!” Pinkie cheers. “The fog's all gone~!”

Purplesmart's horn is shining, but you can't tell what spell she's casting. “Yes, Pinkie, but we don't have much time! Fluttershy, have you found it?!”

“Um… um…” Fluttershy stammers as she hovers in the air, scanning the surroundings. “Um... over there, to the west! I think...”

Twilight beams. “That's it! Pinkie, Applejack, are you ready?”

Pinkie salutes. “Alignment complete! Ready to fire on your orders, cap'n!”

“Ah ain't ready and ah ain't never gonna be ready!” Applejack cries. “Y'all are gonna get me killed!” Huh, looks like she's loaded in the barrel of Pinkie's party cannon for some reason...

“Fire!” On Twilight’s command, Pinkie slams the fire button and Orange Pone goes sailing through the air toward a boxy object in the distance, screaming all the way.

“Ya can all go to Tartarus~~~~!”

“Like, oh no you don't!” Looks like Cheerilee's shock has worn off. She focuses her Disco Smilies on the flailing airborne Applejack and they begin to hum with activity.

“Now, Rainbow!” Twilight cries out.

“This better bucking work!” The pegasus flies directly into the path of the lasers as they fire. Just before they make contact, a pink magical shield surrounds her body, deflecting the beams away. With the shield now in place, she darts around the air, almost faster than you can perceive, safely diverting each beam aimed at Applejack and allowing her safe passage to her destination.

At this point you realize the farmpony is on a collision course with the distant object. It seems like she realizes it too, because at the last second she spins herself around in the air, angling her back hooves Bucky and Kicks directly at the thing to deliver a cannon-powered buck on impact that produces massive explosion complete with a mushroom cloud and everything!

H-Holy shit! Could a pony even survive something like that?!

Your question is answered when Applejack’s silhouette emerges from the flames. She trots forward like a total badass as the flash of the explosion fades and burning debris rains down around her, her Stetson defiantly tilted downward and her trademark country grin highlighted by the fire. The other Elements cheer in triumph, and you even find yourself joining in!

But your short-lived joy is replaced by a sense of foreboding as something seems to shift in the very air around you. The dance music abruptly stops and the tiles on the ground in the distance begin to warp and fall away, the many trinkets and other items tumbling into the abyss along with the dance floor itself. The world is reduced to a single small island floating in the darkness where you all now stand, and cracks begin to appear throughout the sky, threatening to tear the featureless void apart.

Twilight, sweat dripping from her brow, turns to a now extremely pissed off looking Cheerilee as the rest of the ponies move to gather around you. “We've destroyed the jukebox that was the nexus of your magical power...” she gasps. “It’s over… but there's still time for you to surrender...”

The New Wave Filly defiantly stomps her hooves in frustration. “Ugh! Gag me with a spoon! Like, you destroyed my magic jukebox, but so what?! I can still roast you whenever I want~”

“We'll see about that!” Rainbow growls. She confidently charges 80's Pone but quickly receives three laser blasts to the chest which cause the shield surrounding her to flicker and fade to almost nothing. Twilight cries out in pain, the magic around her horn diminishing, and Rainbow wisely chooses to back off.

“Pwahahaha~! Like, you've been keeping that enchantment up and protecting all your friends for the entire fight, dweeb. But it looks like you're totally tapped out now~ and that means I win!”

Twilight falls to her haunches. “No way... even after losing the nexus she still has enough magic to control those orbs... I'm-I'm sorry girls, I messed up...”

The other ponies seem to be at a loss as to what to do. Without Twilight's shield there's no way anyone can approach Cheerilee regardless of their speed. If only there was a way to eliminate those damned Disco Balls!

“Like, get your choice flank over here Anon and dance! Or do you want my light show to focus on your lame friends?”

A new jukebox begins to take form beside her and the sounds of 80's disco resume. To your horror, the cracks in the sky begin to fade away, and there’s no longer any doubt that before long she'll be back to full power!

C'mon, Anon, this is magical horse land! Think outside the box for a minute... what can counter 80's dance music?

As you slowly step toward Cheerilee to buy time, you catch sight of the remnants of the sonic rainboom cascading through this strange 80’s dimension’s pitch black sky...

Oh shit... that's it! You can't believe you didn't realize this before! You stop in your tracks and turn back to your friends.

“Hey Pinkie, do you still have your guitar and amp?”

The pink pony trots up to you and draws her Les Paul from her poofy mane. “Of course Non-non, I'm always prepared! But what're we gonna play?”

“Just follow my lead.” You grab the mic from her as she dons the guitar.

Now's the time to put your faith in whatever crazy magic controls how spontaneous songs work in this universe. You tap the mic with your finger.

“Check, 1, 2.”

Cheerilee smiles in amusement at your actions. “Like, you wanna sing karaoke with me hot stuff? Sounds like fun to me~”

The sounds of the last song fade away. You turn to Pinkie and nod…

1, 2, 3…

And it actually fucking happens. Without a word, she begins playing the song you were thinking of and the universe provides the backing instruments.

You give Cheerilee the best arrogant smirk you can muster and sing the first verse.

“When there's lightning, you know it always brings me down!”

The preppy pony defensively takes a few steps back, a look of disgust on her face. “Like, w-what is this? It's grody! Stop it, Anon!”

Twilight, Rarity and Applejack glance at each other in confusion while Fluttershy begins to emerge from behind her mane. She stares at you and Pinkie as you rock out together, a starstruck look on her face. Rainbow, on the other hand, wears a huge smile. She stands on her hind hooves and starts shredding on an air guitar as you reach the first chorus.

“Y-You dipsticks actually LIKE this music?!” Cheerilee cries. “Barf me out! Like, seriously Anon, STOP!” The Disco Smilies falter in their orbit around her, barely perceptible cracks beginning to form on their surface.

Twilight’s jaw drops. “I... I can't believe it!”

“You thinkin' what ah'm thinkin', girls?” Applejack asks as she pulls the rim of her hat down with a malicious smirk.

The second chorus is fast approaching, and as the music reaches its crescendo Cheerilee turns to the heavens and wails in anguish.

“NOOOOOOOO~!”

“JUST A RAINBOW IN THE DARK!”

When Pinkie starts the guitar solo all three Disco Smilies explode into a shower of countless sparkling fragments. A bunch of stage pyrotechnics also randomly explode all around you because you're fucking awesome.

“Anon, that was amazing!” Twilight exclaims as she and the others run up to you. “How did you know it would work?”

You gaze wistfully at the disco fragments wafting through the air for a few seconds before answering, “80's metal always trumps 80's disco, Twilight. Always.”

Poor Cheerilee is left paralyzed, cowering on the ground with her hooves covering her ears. She cautiously peers up when she realizes the music's stopped...

...only to find six very pissed off Element bearers staring back at her.

“Like, I'm totally gonna get rainbow blasted, aren't I?”

“Of course not, dear,” Rarity whispers as she compassionately pets Cheerilee's mane. “We would never do something so barbaric.”

The cerise pony gives her a hopeful smile.

“...Psych~”

Yeah, she totally got rainbow blasted.

The crazy 80's dimension begins to destabilize as soon as Cheerilee is purged of her Nightmare. You feel a sensation of falling and you black out...

Slowly, you begin to regain consciousness, a distant yet familiar voice beckoning you into the waking world…

“And then, fair Anonymous raised his hands to the sky and cried 'I've had it with you goddamn fucking rapist ponies, do you hear me?! Just because I wear socks all the time does NOT mean I want to fuck you! I'm not going to explain it again!'“ A series of childish giggles reach your ears. “He then proceeded to...”

Wait a minute. WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE!! You jump up immediately and open your eyes to find...

“LUNA!”

Yep, it's Moonbutt. She's sitting at the lectern at the head of the class wearing reading glasses and holding the diary you sent to Celestia all those months ago in her hoof. The classroom is packed with most of Ponyville's elementary-aged foals, and your outburst has all eyes on you. Several of the foals snicker behind their hooves while Luna looks shocked.

“A-Anonymous?! What are you doing here?” Her eyes narrow. “Did we not tell you during our most recent dream tryst to avoid this place due to the potential emergence of a Nightmare?”

You think back to last night’s dream, the cool night breeze slowly drying the sweat from your skin as you lay with the pretty alicorn on a grassy hill and watch the stars together in the afterglow. Yeah, maybe she did say something like that, but it’s hard to clearly listen to anything when those moony flanks are so tantalizingly close…

With a shake of your head you clear the memory away. It’s not a good idea to get sidetracked when Luna’s in one of these playful moods or else who knows where you’ll end up…

“I had a good reason. But can you explain why you're reading my very private and horrendously inappropriate for minors diary to a bunch of elementary school kids?”

The Princecss levitates her reading glasses off and turns her head in the air. “Learning about the other species, especially those that live alongside them in their own town such as you, is an important aspect of a foal's education. Since there is very little material on humans in the official coursework we had to be creative. We also needed to occupy them while their normal teacher was absent.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Princess Woona?” A colt raises his hoof in the air.

“Yes, Pipsqueak?”

“What do 'fuck' and 'rape' mean? I've never heard those words before.”

Luna shrugs. “They are strange human terms that have yet to be deciphered. Perhaps one day, if we study Anonymous thoroughly enough, their meaning will be known to us.”

“Oh, okay!”

Huh, you forgot that most pony swears are completely different than human swears. With that in mind you suppose the content of your diary isn't that bad, and there's no way these innocent kids have any clue what rape could possibly be anyway. You breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe the younger generation will remain untainted after all.

You glare at Moon Horse and Luna surreptitiously replies with the biggest shit eating grin she can muster without attracting too much attention from the class...

But your silent conversation is interrupted as a wormhole opens just above you and deposits seven little ponies on your noggin, sending you crashing back down to the ground. This prompts a round of giggles from the foals. And Luna. Goddamn Luna.

The students all crowd around their teacher and the Elements as they get their bearings. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo all seek out their respective big sisters and fawn over them while the entire class hurls questions over one another. Cheerilee, ever the teacher, quickly calms the overexcited foals, and with a glance at the clock she sends them all outside for their overdue recess, leaving the nine of you alone in the schoolhouse. She turns to you and the assembled mares and shows you a genuine smile of appreciation.

“I don't know how to thank you all for what you've done. That... that was a chapter of my life I'd hoped would remain buried. Rarity, Mr Anonymous, all of you... can you ever forgive me?”

Rarity chuckles. “Just promise never to wear those ghastly hoof warmers again and it's water under the bridge, darling.”

“Yeah, don't worry about it,” you add. “That was actually pretty tame compared to what these six normally put me through.”

That prompts a round of laughter and playful banter from the mares.

Cheerilee giggles at your antics. “Well, I should probably go outside to supervise recess. Princess Luna, thank you so much for watching over the class while I was, er, having my episode. It's always a pleasure to have you visit us.”

Luna nods. “The pleasure is ours. The young ones spoke very highly of you. They are most fortunate to have such a caring and dedicated teacher to guide them.”

She blushes slightly, thanks you again and steps outside. The six Elements immediately collapse into a pile as soon as she leaves, groaning with exhaustion.

Luna looks upon them like a proud parent. “Well done, brave ponies, well done! To overcome a Nightmare is no small feat. We are certain it was a victory hard fought and well earned.”

“Yeah, it was. Your teamwork out there was amazing.” You’ve gotta admit, you’re genuinely impressed by how well they worked together on this one.

Fluttershy crawls out of the pony pile to nuzzle against your leg. “No, sweetie, YOU were amazing.”

Twilight sighs. “She's right, Anon. If you hadn't been there she would've beaten us because I miscalculated how much magic she could retain without her nexus. I... I can't afford to make mistakes like that if we might to have to fight another one of these things...”

You turn to Luna, a sour expression on your face. “You obviously knew what was going on here. Why didn't you help them?”

“They must learn to stand on their own, Anonymous. There may come a time when neither we nor Sister will be there when a grave threat to Equestria appears. Though it seems you have a tendency to swoop in and save the day, so perhaps we are unneeded?” There's that mischievous grin again.

“...Don't count on it.” You hand Applebloom's surprisingly still intact lunch to Applejack as she pulls herself to her hooves. “By the way, next time she'll have to go get it herself.”

The farmpony chuckles. “Thank ya kindly. Ah'll make sure she understands what ya went through ta bring this by. Oh, and ah'll let Mac know yer takin' the rest of the day off. Consider it my thanks.” She lovingly brushes her body and tail against your other leg as she heads outside to the playground, much to Fluttershy's chagrin.

The rest of the Elements, all exhausted, say goodbye to one another and begin to head home for some well-deserved R&R. You begin to do the same but find yourself blocked by a rainbow-maned pegasus, her wings drooping.

“A-Anon? I think I'm too wiped out to fly back to my house. Can I crash at your place for a while?”

Well, you don’t see why not. After all she's been through you imagine she's really tired.

“Sure thing, Rainbow. C'mon, let's go and I'll cook you some lunch when we get there.”

That gets a big smile out of her. You continue to the door together when you're stopped again, this time by a pink-maned pegasus.

“Um... I'm too tired to fly too. Can I come with you?”

You give her a deadpan stare. “Your house is on the ground.”

“I'm... too tired to walk all the way.”

“You're walking just fine.”

“It's just the adrenaline.”

“Call a carriage to take you home, then.”

“I don't have any money.”

“I'll lend you some bits.”

“I have an irrational fear of carriages.”

“AJ could probably take you most of the way in the back of her supply cart when she heads back to the farm.”

“I have an irrational fear of supply carts.”

“I saw you pulling one full of bunnies yesterday.”

She cringes and darts her eyes around. “I can't go home. My... my house is being fumigated.”

“Your house is full of insects and animals on purpose, Fluttershy!”

“They're very upset about it.”

Oh for fuck's sake... you cross your arms and frown at the little butter ball. She retreats into her mane and whimpers. “I... I want to go with you because I'm super jealous of Rainbow Dash and I think it'll give me the opportunity to spend time with you and maybe get you to like me and m-maybe increase my collection of... things...”

You rub your temples. At least she was honest about it... eventually...

“Fluttershy, n—”

Your reply is silenced by a pink hoof covering your mouth. Somehow Pink Horse has climbed on your back without you noticing and is now hanging over one shoulder.

“Three or more ponies gathering in a specific place at a specific time?! If I didn't know any better, it sounds like you might be planning something. Some sort of event. C'mon Pinkie Pie, what's the word for it...?”

Oh no. Please god no.

She hops off your shoulder and turns to face the three of you. “Oh yeah, that's right... A PARTY~!” A bunch of streamers and confetti explode from behind her as she stands on her hind hooves, beaming.

“We're not having a party, Pinkie,” you say, trying your best to frown at her.

She sidles up next you with a sly expression. “Of course you're not, Non-non. You can't have a real party without the help of a party expert. That'd be crazy! But luckily I just so happen to know a mare who's willing to lend you a hoof! C'mon, Non-non, Dashie, Fluttershy, let's go! We have decorations and refreshments to buy~!” She grabs a surprised pegasus in each hoof and leaps out the door.

Luna trots up beside you, barely restraining her laughter. “We... believe this situation offers much potential amusement, Anonymous. We shall attend as well~!” In a flash of teleportation magic she's gone.

You pick up a streamer from the floor and tug on it a bit. It snaps in half. Nope, looks like you can't use this to hang yourself. You let out a heavy sigh and walk out the door to meet up with the waving pink pony and disoriented pegasi in the distance.

~~~~~~~~~

Night's fallen by the time Pinkie's finished dragging all of you around collecting food and party supplies. If you guys weren't tired enough already, now you really feel like you're gonna crash. Where the hell does this pink menace get her energy?!

After fumbling with your keys for several minutes you unlock your front door, stumble past the threshold and collapse in the entryway. The two exhausted pegasi collapse on top of you while Pinkie just hops over and storms into the living room carrying bags full of stuff.

You notice the Princess of the Night is splayed across your couch and snoozing away. The TV is on and tuned to the cartoon channel, which helps drown out the cute little snoring noises she makes.

“Princess, Princess, wake up! It's party time~!” Pinkie yells as shakes the alicorn awake. When she opens her eyes to see the pink pony's face mere inches from her own she screams and does an admittedly really fucking impressive backflip off the couch.

“Laughter?! You-you nearly frightened us into the grave!”

You pat Luna on the head as you walk past her. “Welcome to my life.”

You, Rainbow and Fluttershy drag yourselves into the living room and have a seat on the now empty couch while Luna's heart rate stabilizes and Pinkie darts around looking for nice places to hang decorations and set up a spread of food.

“We were beginning to think you would not return, Anonymous. Where have you been?”

You grunt and point your thumb at the spastic pink mare running around.

Luna rolls her eyes. “Ah yes, understandable. What festivities does she have planned for us this evening?”

“There's no telling. We bought so many games I lost count. I don't think I have the energy for all this...”

Rainbow leans against your left side and closes her eyes. “Me neither, Anon. Can't we just go to bed?”

You hear Pinkie yell “NOPE!” as she runs around too fast to see.

Fluttershy leans against your right side. “Um, that's a good idea... I'd... really, really, really like to go to bed................w-withyouAnon.”

“Nope,” you instinctively reply as you close your eyes and try to stop yourself from drifting off to sleep, though there's no need as Rainbow's incredibly loud snoring in your left ear quickly jolts you awake.

Your eyes snap open to reveal Pinkie sitting in the middle of the living room with a blank expression on her face. Wait a minute... for all the moving around she's done, nothing's changed...

“Weren't you going to decorate?” you ask.

She smiles. “Nah, I decided instead of having a big party we'll just munch on some food and play cards instead.”

Your hands start shaking. “So... all that running around... all the stuff we bought...”

“Don't worry, it just means we'll be prepared the next time a party situation comes around! Which I'm sure'll be soon!”

You look over to Luna with bloodshot eyes. “You... you heard that. No court in Equestria would convict me, right?”

She giggles. “Were she not an Element of Harmony, then perhaps not. But since that is not the case we must ask you to refrain from murdering Laughter.”

The pink mare sets up a table stocked with snacks and some chairs. She's wearing a dealer's visor and shuffling a deck of cards with way more skill than a creature with hooves should have. “C'mon everypony! Take a seat, grab a snack, and I'll deal you in!”

You all drag yourselves to the table and the cards start flying.

“Pinkie, I really don't know if I'm up for this...” Cyan Pone protests. You reach over and ruffle her mane.

“What, afraid I'll beat ya?”

Heh, there it is! She gets that determined look in her eyes that you love so such. “Ha! You're on, monkey boy!”

“Um... what game are we playing?” Fluttershy asks.

“Poker of course, five-card draw~!” After Pinkie finishes dealing, she reaches into a bag and tosses each player ten wrapped chocolate drops. “We'll use these as chips. You can eat 'em if you want, but that just means you have less to bet with.”

Luna happily flutters her wings. “Huzzah! We are somewhat familiar with this game. It is always great fun!” She tosses a chocolate drop to the middle of the table as an ante as she picks up her cards and the rest of you do the same.

You look at your hand. A pair of queens and assorted other crap. Not bad... you toss another drop in the center. Fluttershy folds immediately, Luna and Dash call, and Pinkie... Pinkie has nine empty wrappers in front of her and chocolate on her face.

She sheepishly smiles. “Whoops. Heh heh. I'm gonna fold so it looks like I'm out.”

A voice somewhere deep inside of you sighs with relief. It's hard to tell, but your gut instincts were telling you that she was the most dangerous player here.

“I'll take two, Pinkie.” You toss two of your cards aside.

She deals two more in return and you nearly shit yourself. You now have three fours in addition to your queens. Full house, baby! You hope you didn't produce any noticeable tells... you try and calm yourself down as Rainbow takes two cards. Surprisingly Luna asks for none.

You raise with another chocolate drop. Dash folds, Luna calls and your smile grows wider. She didn't take any cards... the odds of her beating you are extremely low.

“Full house, read 'em and weep!”

“Most impressive, fair Anonymous. But not impressive enough.” Moon Horse lays down her cards to reveal a straight-goddamn-flush!

“You're telling me you got that on the initial deal?!” you say in disbelief.

She nods as she retrieves her winnings. “'Tis a shame it was not a royal flush, as we are royalty, but it is acceptable.”

Dash snickers, and that puts you over the edge. Okay, you're serious now. She's going down. All the fatigue has left your body as you get into the game.

What follows is the most intense poker match of your life. As expected, Fluttershy is out after 10 hands as she meekly folds at the start every single time. After that the real game begins.

You figure out some of Dash's tells fairly quickly. Most of the time the energetic pegasus twitches her wings with delight when she has a good hand and thrashes her tail when she doesn't. Luna's more difficult. She's the very picture of stoicism. She'd be completely unbeatable were it not for the fact that her bluffing is absolutely terrible. Princess of the Moon? More like Princess of Ham! Here she goes again...

“Oh, woe is us! Truly fate has conspired against us this night! It is as if our cards were selected by our opponents themselves to turn the game in their favor! Is there no hope for Equestria's fair Princess Luna...?”

You slide your cards to the center of the table. “I fold.”

Dash just grunts and tosses her cards away as Luna reveals a flush. “What sorcery is this, Anonymous and Loyalty?! How do you discern the quality of our cards every single time?!”

“I have no idea...” you mutter, dramatically rolling your eyes for the others to see.

Pinkie giggles as she deals the next hand. Soon enough, Luna's terrible bluffs lead to her elimination. The pony princess puffs out her cheeks and sulks in her chair.

“Cheer up, Princess!” Rainbow laughs. “I'll let you play another hand if Anon says its okay.”

Luna perks up. “Truly? But we have nothing remaining to bet.”

“How about this? If you win the next pot you're back in the game, but if you lose, you need to grant a wish to the winner. No bets after the ante, best hand wins. Whaddya think, Anon?”

Your fingers tap on the table a few times as you think it over. You’re not sure this is a good idea, but the barely-restrained shimmer of hope in Luna’s eyes is impossible to deny, and your resistance to the idea is easily crushed.

“Hmmm... all right, it could be interesting. Let's do it!”

Luna smiles. “Though we are not a genie, Loyalty, we find these terms to be acceptable. If the request is within reason, we shall grant it.”

The cards are dealt and you end up with two pair, jacks and sixes. Not bad, but not great. You toss away one card hoping for a full house, but you don't get it. Shit.

Luna takes four and Dash only takes one. “Okay, let's see what you've got!”

You show your cards. “Two pair.”

“We have absolutely nothing.” Luna's ears droop in defeat.

“Ha, YES! I've got a flush! Eat it, Anon!” She does a little dance in the air while you rest your head on your hand with an annoyed look.

Luna sighs. “Well, it appears we are out. What is your wish, Loyalty?” Rainbow stops her midair victory dance and... blushes? Uh oh. She flies over to Luna's ear and whispers something, causing the Princess to giggle in response. “This is acceptable. It shall be done.”

Your internal danger alarm begins wail as Rainbow returns to her seat. “Okay Anon, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's settle this once and for all!” You shake your head and silence the alarm. You're going to need all your concentration in order to beat her...

~~~~~~~~~

Fluttershy smiles as she watches Anon from across the table as he laughs and banters with Rainbow Dash. Their game is heating up. He looks so happy...

She hugs the pair of underwear she stole from upstairs just now. Sometimes, when no one's looking, she ducks down and sniffs them.

She folded herself out of the card game quickly, so no one noticed when she slipped away from the table to go hunting. Anon's been hiding his underwear in creative places recently, but Fluttershy always finds them.

And now, with this pair, she has enough to finish that quilt she's been making. A whole quilt made out of Anon's boxers! Now maybe the cold winter nights won't seem so long...

Kindness...

What? A familiar voice in her head... She trembles a little in her chair. That was scary. Maybe she just imagined it.

Our Faithful Knight...

No, it was definitely her. Princess Luna. Fluttershy pulls her eyes away from Anon to focus on the intimidating alicorn. Princess Luna winks at her.

Are you enjoying your evening so far?

She doesn't reply right away. She has to pause first to make sure not to say the words out loud.

It's been... nice. Anon is happy, so I'm happy too.

She fumbles with the underwear she's holding.

If you wish to be near him, why not go sit next to him?

Oh, no, I couldn't. He's having fun with Rainbow Dash right now. I'd just get in the way, or do something silly. I'd... just be a nuisance to him like I always am.

It's weird, but the room starts to fade away. First the sounds, then the house itself, the furniture, the table. Pinkie vanishes, Rainbow Dash vanishes, even Anon vanishes. Only Fluttershy and Luna remain in the darkness.

“Is that what you truly believe, Kindness?” the Princess asks as she trots over to the confused pegasus.

“Um... I... y-yes. Yes, it is. I always do something to push him away. It's always my fault. M-Maybe if I were strong like Applejack or brave like Rainbow Dash or wise like you... maybe things would be different...” The little pony lays down on the vanished ground and sniffles. “But I'm just me. I'm just Fluttershy.”

Luna's wingtip dips under Fluttershy's chin and lifts her head, forcing their eyes to meet.

“And yet, were it not for your strength, bravery and wisdom, Anonymous would not be here today. You are all of these things and more. A pony without these qualities could never be chosen to be our Knight.”

Fluttershy wipes hear tears away with a foreleg. “Thank you, Princess. But even if you see me that way... he doesn't. He never will. It's okay, but... it hurts sometimes.”

Luna smiles. “The day will come when words will fail between you, and your hearts will speak in their stead. And through your heart you will show him who you are, and he will listen, and he will know you. Kindness... trust in us, for this we know to be true.”

Pinkie Pie's laughter pulls Fluttershy's attention away. Her head lifts up from the table. Rainbow Dash is taunting Anon who looks grumpy. She must've won the game.

That's odd, did she fall asleep? It couldn't have been for too long. She giggles. Even when he's grumpy, Anon looks cute.

Fluttershy turns to Princess Luna again, who's now joining in on teasing Anon. They catch one another's eyes from across the room and Luna winks again.

Fluttershy smiles and hugs the underwear a little tighter.

~~~~~~~~~

Well, you gave it your best shot but Speedysnooze managed to get her tells under control. Figures. After all the shit talking and promises of revenge are said and done, you manage to get a glimpse of the clock. Damn it's late and tomorrow's a work day. Much to Pinkie's disappointment you decide to wrap up the party.

Pinkie retrieves all her swag and heads home to Sugarcube Corner after waving goodbye. Luna promises to see Fluttershy safely home and the two depart as well.

That just leaves you and Gloaty McGloaterson over here. Thankfully Rainbow can't maintain her smug grin when she's yawning all the time.

“I think it's time we went to bed,” you say, fighting back a yawn of your own.

“Why, I must agree, Anon! The Poker Queen requires her beauty sleep after all~” You flick her in the nose with a finger. “OW! Hey!”

“Snooty little ponies get smacked on their snouts. Now are we doing this thing or what?”

After you ran out of chocolate drops, you made one more bet with Rainbow to try and stay in the game. Needless to say that didn't work out, but things could be worse than being the “royal pillow” you suppose...

You flop on the couch. The pegasus lazily circles in the air, then flops down on top of you. “Ahhhhh~ victory is sweet~” She spreads all her legs and wings out and snuggles you. “You make the best pillow, Anon. Have I ever told you that?”

You resist the urge to scratch her ears. That's NOT happening again!

“Yeah, well, you're not so bad as a blanket, either.”

As you settle in, you begin to reflect on this crazy ass day. You may be exhausted and forced be a prideful pegasus’ pillow for the night, but at least another one of those Nightmares is gone. Three down and maybe one to go, right?

Trying not to think about it, you close your eyes and drift off...

~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, okay, this is weird. You're standing in the center of some sort of cloud colosseum at night, wearing your fancy suit no less. The fact that you haven't fallen to your death yet means this is probably a dream, so...

“Luna? Are you here?”

“Nah, it's just me.”

A rainbow-maned pegasus swoops down from the sky and lands before you. She's wearing a cloud-patterned dress colored with the oranges and reds of a sunset which starkly stand out against her cyan coat. Her normally untamed mane and tail are simply combed and styled, the colors within them merging together instead of brightly clashing. Around her neck rests a beautifully intricate ruby pendant.

You're... kinda speechless at the sight. Could this really be her?

“Rainbow...? What's... what's with the getup here?”

She frowns. “What, I'm not allowed to look pretty sometimes?”

“No, no, I'm just... I mean, wow.”

She squeals with joy and spins around for you a few times. “Heh, I look that good huh?”

“Yeah, you look great. Is it really you, though? I mean, are you really here with me in a shared dream, or are you just a figment of my subconscious? No offense but you're not exactly scoring high on the 'stuff the real Dash would do' scale right now.”

She rears up and bops you on the nose. “It's really me, you doofus. This is what I asked Princess Luna for during the poker game.”

“You wanted her to make us meet up in a dream to show off a dress or something? Okay...”

She stomps her hooves. “Anon, how bucking retarded are you?! NO! Just listen...”

She tells you to listen, but then doesn't say anything. You kinda stand there and nervously scratch the back of your neck for a while until you start to hear it.

“What the hell...? Is this some kind of waltz?”

Rainbow nervously trots up to you and bows. “M-May I have this dance, good sir?”

You're completely taken aback. “Uh... Rainbow, I don't really know how to dance.”

“Well, neither do I!” She rears up and places her hooves on your chest. You instinctively take hold of one and place a hand on her neck to stabilize her. “But I figured we can learn together.”

You chuckle. There's just something about that determined look she has that melts your heart.

“Okay, milady, let's dance. At least no one's around to see us mess up.”

She starts laughing. “Anon, if I was worried about ponies watching me mess stuff up I could never get through my stunt practice every day. Who cares what they think? As long as you're having fun, that's all that matters.”

You both immediately try to lead, resulting in a trainwreck of human limbs and hooves, and a giggle fit from both of you as you pick yourselves back up.

“Let me lead. I won't go too fast, I promise.”

She scoffs. “Fine. But worry about going too slow, not too fast.”

Dancing with a pony is a unique proposition. Since Rainbow's not used to being on two legs, her sense of balance is completely thrown off and she has to totally rely on you to maintain stability. Any time she tips too far in one direction she flares and flaps her wings to try and regain equilibrium, but the power behind it usually does more harm than good. The two of you find yourselves thrown to the fluffy floor of the colosseum more than a few times.

Even on her hind legs, she can't really place her head on your shoulder, so instead she leans into your chest and listens to your heartbeat. After the two of you actually work out a rhythm together, it becomes a surprisingly intimate experience.

Time loses meaning as you slowly move with the music. Rainbow is... god, it's really tough to say. It's like with each step you take together, another piece of her finds a place in your heart. Her laugh, her smile, her scratchy voice, the way she snores... you suddenly find yourself yearning for them. You're actually starting to get scared.

But a sniffling from your chest suddenly catches your attention. You look down and Rainbow is crying. You stop moving and hold her steady.

“Rainbow, are you alright?”

She looks up at you with those deep magenta eyes. “Sorry, it's just... almost every stallion I've ever known has made fun of me... told me my dreams were worthless and a waste of time. But you, Anon, you just…”

You feel her lean into you even harder as she shudders with a few deep breaths. “I guess… I guess I wanna say thanks. Thanks for making this dream come true for me. I kinda... well, I dropped out of flight school, so I never really got to do this with anypony. I... never thought I needed mushy stuff like this anyway so it was no big deal, but then I started dreaming about yo- er, it, and then I got Luna to make that bet and then—”

You give her a reassuring hug. “Hey, hey. It's okay, Rainbow. If you wanted to do this all you had to do was ask. I'll be happy to dance with you anytime, and it doesn't have to be in a dream, either.”

“R-Really?!” That was the end of it. She flaps once and leaps into your arms, sending you falling down onto the cloud floor again. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou~!”

And before you know it she's kissing you as the moon shines above.

It's a dream, so it doesn't count, right? Right?

At least that's what you keep telling yourself as you kiss her back.

~~~~~~~~~

Princess Luna turns away from the scene below and departs from her perch on the upper levels of the colosseum, a subtle smile on her face. In a flash of her dream magic she's returned to her physical body resting on Canterlot Castle's private balcony where her elder sister awaits.

The white alicorn turns and looks across the countryside. “Ah, Luna, you've returned. Were you able to locate the bearer of the final Nightmare?”

Luna nods. “We have, Sister.”

“And? Will we be sufficiently prepared? Will the Elements be able to triumph?”

The younger Princess looks away in uncertainty. “It is difficult to say. It will be the greatest challenge we have faced in recent memory. But should the worst happen, and should they fail, we believe there will still be a path to victory. We have tried our very best to ensure it.”

Celestia wraps a comforting wing around Luna and pulls her close. “Then all we can do is place our trust in them and hope our efforts were enough, Lulu.”

Luna sighs. “Indeed.”

10 - Nightmare

Early morning sunlight streams through the nearby window as you stare at your living room's ceiling, trying to regulate your breathing and to keep you trembling under control.

Thank god you're awake. You even pinched yourself to make sure. The series of dreams you had last night was worse than what Luna would put you through back when she was still trying to stalk you.

There’s no denying that you've had a lot of scary dreams since you met Moonbutt. You've traversed bizarre landscapes, faced down horrible creatures, experienced the loss of a friend, been chased and stalked by various marshmallow horses... but like most nightmares, their impact always faded quickly from your mind as the responsibilities of the real world captured your attention the next morning. They were just dreams, after all…

At least that's what you've been telling yourself for a while now, ever since Fluttershy said that ‘dreams don't count’ when you brought it up. You agreed because it was convenient at the time.

But as you look upon the sleeping form of Rainbow Dash as she lies sprawled atop you on the couch, you can't deny the truth any longer:

Yeah, normal dreams don't count. But these dreams engineered by Luna, where two or more hearts and minds actually meet... they DO count. And that's what makes last night's dreams so vivid and terrifying that they now consume your waking thoughts.

When this little pony wakes up, the relationship between you will be fundamentally changed. But that's not all. After the dance and kiss with Rainbow, the two of you parted ways as the dream shifted. You began to have glimpses of your time with Applejack. Your first meeting, working together, playing together, drinking together... her advances, your continual rejection, the rape and her sincere apology, her determination...

But the most striking memory was holding the crying earth pony in your arms after she overcame the temptation of ultimate power, all because she loved you. Even now it's like you can still feel her soft coat in your hands.

And then came the visions of Luna herself. Soaring through the dreamscape skies together, the many talks you had of your world and her past. The... admittedly very enjoyable rutting. She's been a major thorn in your side for sure, but it's that very unpredictable playfulness and genuineness that cuts completely through your defenses and endears you to her.

You'll always remember this moment in time, this morning where the dust dances through the sun's rays and the silence is assaulted by a snoring pegasus, as the moment you finally admitted to yourself:

You love all three of them.

You say the only appropriate thing that comes to mind from this revelation: “Fuck.”

Yeah, admitting it doesn't solve any of your problems, but at least it's out there. You feel like a burden's been lifted, just a bit, but a look at the clock reminds you that your horsefucker romance drama bullshit doesn't stop time. You've gotta get up and go to work soon.

As carefully as you can, you start to slide yourself out from underneath Cyan Pone. You do everything in your power to avoid touching her ears, but as you move you feel something solid around her neck.

“What the...?”

Shifting her mane aside, you catch the glimmer of a ruby pendant, exactly like the one she wore as part of her dress in the dream. Wait, did she always have this? You don't remember her wearing it during the poker game...

Well, whatever. You need to get moving. You do your normal morning shit/shower/shave routine and turn on the news as you start on a simple breakfast for two. Hopefully the noise from the TV will wake Rainbow up so you don't have to.

”Good mornin', ponies of Ponyville! This is the 7am Edition of the Foal Free News, brought ta ya by the students of Ponyville Elementary. My name's Applebloom!”

“And I'm Scootaloo!”

You just can't get over the fact that a bunch of kids can produce a better newspaper / TV broadcast than an actual studio, but it's no contest. Ever since Cheerilee started the school's extracurricular newsroom, ratings for the normal news stations have tanked. Magical horse land, man...

”Today we have breaking news outta Ponyville! Reports are comin' in from all over that an, er, en-fess-tay-shun of snails is overrunnin' the town!”

“Wow, sounds like a real slimy situation, Applebloom!”

“It sure is, Scoots. We have some interviews from survivors of the carnage! Roll it, Featherweight!”

Daisy: ”They're slowly eating my potted plants! The horror! The horror!”

Mr Breezy: ”It's terrible. They move five, maybe ten times faster than normal snails. You have to trot briskly to outrun them!”

Berry Punch: ”It's the end of the ****in' world, man! Wait, where am I?”

End of the world? Okay, now they've got your attention.

”Wow, those're some mighty powerful interviews! Thanks, Featherweight! We now go ta our ace reporter, Sweetie Belle, live on the scene! What can ya tell us about what's goin' on, Sweetie?”

The camera cuts to a shot of Rarity's little sister holding a microphone and standing on Mane Street in front of the marketplace. Slowly, she raises a hoof and points to a line of snails making their way down the street leaving trails of slime behind them. Her face scrunches up in revulsion.

”Absolutely disgusting.”

Silence. After a few seconds, you hear Applebloom's voice over the feed.

”A-Anythin' else ta add there, Sweetie?”

“Absolutely disgusting.”

“Ooooookay, thanks fer the report! That was ace reporter Sweetie Belle, live on the scene...”

A snail infestation? You want to write it off as just another weird Ponyville occurrence, but with all the crazy shit going on lately regarding these Nightmares...

You hear a yawn from Rainbow as she pulls herself awake and scratches various places with her hoof. She turns to watch you for a few moments as you set the table with a few reheated slices of apple pie and some apple juice, before she suddenly jumps a bit, a barely-audible, uncharacteristic squeak escaping from her mouth.

“Uh... A-Anon,” she says as she touches the ruby pendant around her neck. “It's not like I don't like this, but don't you think we're moving a little fast here?”

“I don't know where that thing came from,” you reply, taking your seat at the table. “You were wearing it when I woke up. And since when do you complain about going fast?”

“Ha, ha.” She gives you an annoyed look as she flies over to join you. “Hey, isn't this...”

“Yep, pie made by Applejack. It's reheated, but...”

The pie slice instantly disappears from her plate. You start to chuckle as she swallows.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing.”

You get started on your own slice as Rainbow downs her apple juice and then nervously fidgets in her chair. “Anon, I...” You hold up a hand to stop her before she can get going.

“Listen, I know we've got some things to talk about, but there's something going on in town and I think you guys need to check it out. It might have something to do with a Nightmare.”

She perks up. “A Nightmare?”

“Yeah, there's a bunch of snails running around town doing... uh, snail stuff. I saw it on the news. It's got ponies pretty freaked out.”

Rainbow nearly falls out of her chair with laughter. “Bwaaaahahaha! C'mon Anon, THAT's the excuse you came up with to avoid talking about last night? What kind of pony would have 'Snails'...” She does air quotes with her hooves for emphasis. “...as a Nightmare power? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!”

You just give her a deadpan stare as she laughs at you, and her laughter starts to die down as she comes to a sudden realization.

“Oh. Oh buck. I'd better go get my Element.”

“Yeah, better safe than sorry. I'm heading to work. We'll talk later, okay?”

“You bet!” She places a quick kiss on your cheek as she flies past you and out the door. “And don't try to weasel your way out of it, cause I WILL find you...”

“Yeah, I know.”

And with that she's gone. Thank you snail infestation! You've bought yourself at least a few hours to figure some things out. You grab your keys and head out the door toward the Acres, a skip in your step.

~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, you're a dumbass.

You completely forgot that you have to walk through the marketplace on your way to work, which it turns out is ground zero for this whole snail event. Sure enough, the Elements of Harmony have assembled here and are now confronting the apparent source of all this chaos: Snails. As much as you want nothing to do with all this Nightmare Pony bullshit, morbid curiosity compels you to get closer to see what's going on.

Snails stands in the middle of the market, eyes closed, surrounded by countless, er, snails. They completely encircle him, motionless, almost as if they were revering him as a god. Many other ponies are watching the scene unfold from the fringes of the marketplace.

Twilight Sparkle, her Element of Magic tiara shining in the sun, steps forward. “That's enough, Snails! Just surrender peacefully and nopony has to get hurt! We can help you!”

“Ah, Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony.” The gangly pony opens his eyes to look at her, his expression oddly calm. “I know why you have come. I am to be purged, am I not? That is fine. Perhaps it is even for the best...”

Wow. He seems oddly... eloquent for some reason. Everyone else is shocked too.

Twilight quickly recovers. “Yes, that's right, Snails. You've been possessed by Nightmare Magic. The Elements of Harmony can free you, but you have to promise to cooperate with us.”

Snails holds a hoof out and a single snail crawls onto it. Carefully, he raises the creature to his face and contemplates it for a few moments before speaking again, “I have no intention of fighting you, Twilight Sparkle. All I ask is that I be permitted to speak for a time, and afterwards I will gladly submit myself to the Elements.”

The six ponies all exchange cautious glances with one another.

“Ah... ah think it might be a trick, Twi!”

“AJ's right, we shouldn't trust him!”

“Oh come now, what's the worst that could happen?”

“Yeah, I agree with Rarity. Maybe he wants to tell us a joke!”

Twilight takes a deep breath. “Okay, Snails, we'll let you say what you want. But if this is a trick, we won't go easy on you.”

“You have my thanks,” he says, bowing to the Elements as a sign of respect before standing again to gaze upon the gathered ponies with a sigh.

“In truth, I am afraid. This... 'power' I've received... to channel and harness the collective consciousness of all snails across Equestria... is a curse. It has opened my eyes, and what I now see humbles me to my very core.”

He holds the snail out on his hoof for the crowd to see. “Consider this snail. It is a simple creature, knowing little of the grand world around it. It doesn't understand our civilization or culture, cause or effect, or even its own place in the world. Driven by basic instincts, it lives and dies in blissful ignorance, never knowing anything more. It is both a beautiful and tragic life.”

His hoof returns to the ground, allowing the snail to crawl away.

“I see now that we ponies are no different. We think ourselves above other creatures because of our works, our monuments, our understanding of science and magic. We think we know everything of our world; that we understand cause and effect despite the shortsightedness of our vision. We truly know nothing. Even with my expanded consciousness I can barely grasp the true nature of our universe. I am ignorant, and yet at the same time what knowledge I do possess, the tiny piece of the puzzle I am able to see... it terrifies me...”

Twilight's jaw is hanging open in shock. Most of the other ponies look either scared or confused as Snails lays down on the ground and lowers his head.

“Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony. I beg you, please release me from this state. I wish to return to the blissful ignorance I once had and cast this knowledge back into the ether. I implore you: purge me now.”

Twilight nods to the other Elements. “O-Okay, Snails. Just hold still and it'll be over soon.”

The Elements begin to glow in harmony as the purging spell is cast, and Snails remains still throughout the process, a serene look on his face. In the final moments before the rainbow wave appears, he raises his head looks directly at Twilight.

“A question before my eyes are closed again, Twilight Sparkle. You are a scholar of magic. What do you believe happens to a Nightmare as it is purged? Where does such powerful magic go as it leaves the body of the afflicted?”

Twilight's eyes are now glowing with pure magic, but despite the strain she answers, “A-According to Greymane's research in the third era, the Elements' purging reduces the magic into its most basic form where it's then reabsorbed into the astral plane...”

Snails chuckles. “Is that so? That is comforting to know.”

The rainbow erupts from between the Elements and consumes the young colt. The magic fades after a while, leaving a dazed looking pony in its wake.

“Snails...?” Twilight whispers as she hesitantly trots up to him.

“That's me! Whooaaaaa~! Look at all the snails! Ha ha!” The unicorn colt frolics amongst the snails gathered in the marketplace as they slowly begin their return to the wild. “Hey little snail! My name's Snails! What's your name...?”

The crowd begins to disperse when they realize everything's back to normal, and the six Element bearers themselves gather together to talk as you approach them.

“Well THAT was boring,” Dash complains, crossing her hooves as she hovers in the air.

Rarity huffs. “Rainbow Dash, are you saying you're actually disappointed that we didn't have to go through some sort of life threatening trauma this time? What is wrong with you, darling?”

“Ah've gotta go with Rares on this one,” Applejack says with a nod. “Ah've had just about enough'a all this Nightmare malarkey.”

Twilight giggles. “You can say that again! But the good news is that according to what the Princess told us, that was the last one! I'll need to report this to her right away! See you later, girls.” She begins to trot off toward the library.

Rarity yawns. “Yes, I suppose I should get back to my dresses. Ta for now.”

“I smell a 'Congratulations on Vanquishing All the Nightmares' party brewing~” Pinkie sings, bounding away toward Sugarcube Corner.

Only Rainbow, Applejack and Fluttershy remain by the time you get to where they're standing. Applejack notices you first and bounds over Rainbow and Fluttershy with catlike grace. Before you know it you're being hugged by two forehooves and entranced by a pair of emerald eyes.

“Howdy, sugarcube.” She smiles at you and you can't resist the urge to run a hand through her mane and scratch her neck just underneath the rim of her hat. It feels just like you remember from your dream...

“Uh, hey. Good job getting rid of that Nightmare. You guys did great.”

The earth pony giggles. “Well, yer awfully affectionate today. Is this my reward?”

You grin. “Maybe. You headed to the farm?”

“Sure am. Ah'll walk with ya if ya like.”

“Yeah, that'd be great.”

A snort of displeasure from behind you catches your attention and you glance back to find Rainbow Dash with steam coming out her ears. Uh oh... Anon, you Grade A fuckin' moron... even though what you just did came as naturally as breathing, you need to learn to think before you act!

Cyan Pone circles the two of you like a bird of prey. “Going to the FARM, huh?”

Applejack nods. “Eeyup. It's a work day, so that's where we're goin'.”

“Gonna do some WORK, huh?”

“Ya got cloud in yer ears, girl? That's what ah just said.” She gives the perturbed pegasus a confused look.

“Fine, be that way! I've gotta go to work too so BYE!” Dash zooms off, leaving a rainbow trail behind.

“What in tarnation's got her feathers so ruffled...?”

“No idea...” you answer with a somewhat guilty-sounding cough.

The little farmpony looks at you with tired eyes. “Anon, what Element am ah?”

Goddamn it...

“Ya don't have ta tell me if ya don't wanna, but ah'd appreciate a little honesty every now and then.”

“Sorry.”

She smiles. “S’alright, Sugarcube. C'mon, we'd better get movin' or Mac'll be grouchy with us fer bein' late.”

The two of you turn to start down the road together, but a timid voice calls out before you can take more than a few steps, “Um... do you mind if I come along too?” Turns out good ol' Banana Hush is right behind you.

“Well sure, Shy!” Applejack falls back a bit and bumps Fluttershy's flank so that she's standing beside the two of you. “Ah know yer cottage is on the way and all...”

She glances at you and blushes a bit. “T-Thanks, Applejack. Um, Anon, if you don't mind me asking, are mares seductively sucking on fruit popsicles your fetish?”

She pulls out a mostly melted popsicle from the pit of one her wings. It's dripping all over everything, much to her disappointment. “Oh. Um... I bought this on the way to your house this morning, but then the whole Nightmare thing happened...”

Applejack pulls her hat over her face and tries to stifle her laughter. She does an admirable job but you utterly fail to stop your own.

“Don't worry about it, Fluttershy. It's not my fetish anyway.”

She sighs. “Oh, okay. Um... I don't want to waste this, so I'm still going to eat it. Seductively. If that's okay with you.”

You shake your head. The more things change, the more they stay the same. It's kind of surprising but Fluttershy's daily fetish guess is actually calming you down. At the very least she's helping to take your mind off the conspicuous cloud with a rainbow tail hanging out of it that's following you down the road.

Yeah, you might have avoided getting caught up in any Nightmare shenanigans, but you can tell this is gonna be one of those days. You're almost certain that Luna will pop up and drag you into some kind of ridiculous situation any minute now…

An unbidden smile creeps across your face at the thought. C'mon Anon, you can't actually be looking forward to that, right? That'd be crazy...

Yet, though you'd never admit it, even to yourself... deep down, you kinda are.

Your work day progresses as normal. Fluttershy goes home and Rainbow has to abandon her stalking to actually do her job. And though you keep a keen eye out for her, Luna is nowhere to be found. All day you half expect her to be just around the next corner, to be waiting in the branches of the next tree, to have her obnoxiously loud voice suddenly drown out the birdsong...

You feel a pang of disappointment as the day ends and the sun starts to set. With a sigh, you finish up your chores, say goodbye to AJ, and start down the road toward home. In your pining for Luna you've neglected to put any serious thought into the real problem you're facing. Great...

Maybe a shower and a good meal before Rainbow inevitably shows up will help you shake off these strange feelings that have been tugging at the fringes of your thoughts...

~~~~~~~~~

With a graceful flap of her wings, Princess Celestia ascends Canterlot Castle's great tower. The click of her golden horseshoes on stone announces her arrival in her personal study, where the Princess of the Night sits curled up in front of the grand fireplace at the far end of the room, a book on the floor in front of her and her reading glasses reflecting the fire as it dances. She lifts her head and tilts it a bit to acknowledge Celestia's presence.

“Ah, Luna, there you are. I was wondering where you had gone off to when it came time to transition day to night, but you did a wonderful job with the moon as always.” The radiant alicorn lays down beside her sister and softly smiles. “Were you off in Ponyville playing with Anonymous again today?”

Luna shakes her head. “Thank you, Sister. No, I have not spoken with Anonymous recently. I apologize for my absence, but I'm afraid this book was so entrancing I lost track of time.”

Celestia giggles. “You're starting to sound like Twilight. Speaking of whom, I received a letter from her earlier this morning with wonderful news. It seems she and her friends were able to purge the final nightmare spell from the young colt in town you identified as a Nightmare candidate yesterday. It appears that this ordeal may finally be behind us.”

Luna smiles. “Truly? Did they have much trouble with him? From what I glimpsed of his dreams, I feared the immense knowledge that he would acquire from his Nightmare could be very problematic.”

“No, according to her report they spoke and he allowed himself to be purged willingly. It appears he was afraid of what he had become.”

Luna nods. “Then he was gifted with a bit of wisdom to match his newfound knowledge. I am glad things worked out so favorably.”

“As am I.”

Celestia watches the fire for a few moments in silence and Luna returns to her reading, but the elder sister's calm expression turns to worry as she internally debates whether to speak again.

“There... there is one thing that concerned me about her report. It seems that during the purging, the colt asked Twilight where the magical energy of the Nightmare spell would be banished to. I find it a bit odd that he would ask such a thing at such a time, but what really concerns me is that upon giving it some thought I came to realize that I couldn't answer the question myself. I was wondering if you might have any insight as the Nightmare spell's–” She shakes her head. “No, no, forgive me. I shouldn't have said anything...”

Luna abruptly closes her book. “You think me offended by such a statement, Sister? There is no need to worry; I came to terms with my past long ago.” She stands and returns her book to its proper place on the shelf. “Yes, as the... author of the Nightmare spell, I can easily explain its workings. As you know, the spell ignites a creature's inherent magical ember, turning what was once a spark into a fire. The spell's role in this case would be as kindling. It does not increase the creature's magic directly; it merely provides the fuel source to accelerate its own natural magical development far beyond what would normally be possible...”

Celestia's head moves to track her sister as she paces about the room and continues her explanation.

“To remove the effect, the Elements of Harmony, in their vast and benevolent power, are able to lift the kindling away from the creature, leaving only the original ember behind. It is akin to directly removing the burning wood from a fireplace. The Elements cannot risk extinguishing the blaze as it would jeopardize the creature's life, so removal of the fuel is the purging spell's solution to the problem.” The dark alicorn sits on her haunches facing Celestia, her starry mane and tail waving with the shadows cast by the fire.

“The question then becomes, what happens to the fuel after it is removed? In our example, the logs pulled from the fire are still burning. The 'fuel' of the Nightmare spell is still awash with the unfathomable magical power of its host creature. It is interesting, but the Elements are not concerned with this. They merely wish to save the host creature; once the fuel is removed, their role has ended.”

Celestia lets out a sigh of relief. “So, it is as I thought. As Greymane stated in his thesis all those ages ago, the unbound magic will be diffused back into the astral plane just as it is with any other broken spell.”

A spark of glee glimmers in the dark alicorn’s eyes. “Not quite. You forget, dear Sister, I am a genius of spellcrafting. Some might say even greater in talent than yourself. We spent so much time studying the Elements when they were first discovered that I anticipated this effect when designing the Nightmare spell. It was only logical that the Elements would be used against it someday; after all, you'd do everything in your power to avoid ending the life of an afflicted creature, wouldn't you?”

Celestia's heart skips a beat and her muscles tense. “Luna...?”

“There is a final incantation woven into the spell. A simple instruction to return the fuel, now alight and blazing with magical power, to its source once freed. It all returns to the Grimoire, Sister.”

Celestia's pulse quickens as a deep fear washes over her. A part of her tells her she's just being paranoid while another part screams at her to escape. The fire behind her crackles and flares and the shadows of the furniture and other objects in the room dance erratically with her own on the far wall.

The Sun Princess' eyes widen in realization. “No...”

Luna smiles brightly. She takes a bow, then her eyes roll back in her head and she collapses on the floor. Her starry mane and tail fade back to their original azure color and her coat lightens, her breathing pained and ragged. Celestia is on her hooves immediately, scanning the dark corners of the room for any signs of life as malevolent laughter seems to echo from every direction at once.

“Did you like my puppet show, Sister? I'm quite proud of it myself. It seems I had you completely fooled!”

“You are NOT my sister, you abomination!”

The shadows of the room coalesce into a single mass in the shape of an alicorn similar in size to Celestia. Two large black wings unfold along with a mane and tail that seem to be a window into the very depths of space. Two sinister, catlike eyes open to consider Celestia coldly.

“You wound me, dear Sister. This is how you treat me after all this time apart? Surely you couldn't mean it... did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, perhaps?”

“SILENCE!” Celestia's horn ignites with power, banishing the darkness, and the shadowy alicorn cringes at the sight. “I don't know how it is you've returned, but you WILL tell me what you've done to Luna this instant!”

Nightmare Moon chuckles as she paces about the room. “Don't know how I've returned...? It appears age has slowed your mind. I just told you, you fool; when the Elements purged Luna, I was cast into the Grimoire. Despite what your precious student might believe, being bound within the confines of a book is not pleasant. I had no power to escape so I had to bide my time in slumber. But then the most amazing thing happened... the very wretch who banished me found the book and started pouring her pathetic magic into it. It wasn't nearly enough to free me, but it was enough to plant the seeds of my resurrection...”

“It can't be...”

“Yes, that's right!” Nightmare Moon cackles. “Every Nightmare your foolish protégé purged transferred untold power directly to me! This last one provided more than enough for me to step outside the pages for once and pay you a visit.”

Celestia's face darkens with grim determination. “Enough of this. Your power is nothing like it once was; I'll see you sent back to the darkness and then tend to Luna!” Her horn blazes even brighter as she prepares a spell.

The dark alicorn’s smile fades. “Yes, you're quite right about that. Even after draining little Luna, I'm still fairly weak. However...”

Countless arcane runes ignite upon the walls, floor and ceiling of the study. Their magic reaches out and binds Celestia, cutting off her own magic and forcing her to the ground.

“...The moment you stepped into this room you fell into my trap. Relying on others to protect your kingdom has made you complacent and weak, Celestia, and a weak monarch is unfit to rule. Equestria would do well to be rid of you.”

Nightmare Moon gracefully steps toward the bound alicorn, who seems to be trying desperately mask her fear. She bends down and uses her mane to tilt Celestia's head so that their eyes meet.

“How unfortunate that immortal alicorns are so annoyingly difficult to kill. It's not worth the effort, so I think you'll be enjoying eternity within the sun you love so much instead. Consider it poetic justice.” She smiles again, revealing a set of menacing fangs. “But your little student and her friends won't be so lucky. I've had a good while to stew in the humiliation I suffered at their hooves, and I'll be sure to return that suffering tenfold.”

She stands, flutters her wings, and takes a deep, cleansing breath. “Yes, tonight seems like a wonderful night to take a moonlit stroll through Ponyville, wouldn't you agree? I might even visit some old acquaintances...”

Maniacal laughter echoes throughout the castle as Celestia, First Princess of Equestria, is cast from the world and into the sun's thermonuclear fire.

~~~~~~~~~

“Anon, get back here you no good bucking CHEATER! I'm not done with you yet!!”

So, it turns out Rainbow was waiting on your roof when you got back to your place. It also turns out she takes loyalty very seriously, so when you were affectionate and somewhat flirty with Applejack today after you reciprocated Rainbow's feelings in your dream together, she got a little mad at you.

Just a little.

Since all diplomatic solutions have failed, you've opted to take a relaxing nighttime jog through the streets of Ponyville. It's good to stay in shape, yessiree! You risk a glance back and oh god that was a bad idea. Two magenta eyes are staring right into your very soul. She's not even breaking a sweat; why in the world did you think you could outrun her?!

The perturbed cyan pegasus is just toying with you... waiting for you to tire yourself out. You need a plan NOW or you're fucked...

You glance up at the full moon hanging in the sky. There’s only one thing that can save you now…

“Luna...” *huff* “... if you can see this... then you know I'm about to die. Now... would be a good time... to—URK!”

You slam into something soft and squeaky at full speed and go tumbling to the ground. When the dust clears you open your eyes to find your arms full of...

“Um... hi, Anon.”

“Fluttershy?”

“F-Fancy meeting you here. I couldn't help overhearing. Is... is infidelity your fetish? I could be your mistress... if you want, that is. I'm good at keeping quiet. Nopony has to know about our torrid lust-driven buck sessions when your marefriend says she's got a headache and you tell her it's okay because you have to work late anyway but you're secretly at the cottage pounding my—”

You place a hand over her mouth. She starts licking your palm in response... sensually. Oh god, why...

Rainbow Pone angrily hovers nearby. “Oh, so now you're throwing yourself at FLUTTERSHY too?! Are you bucking the whole town or something?! Is there a waiting list?! If there is one you'd better bump me to the top right now!”

You chuckle. She's so unintentionally cute when she's mad, you almost want to grab her and unleash a noogie apocalypse on that messy mane. You'd totally do it right now if she wasn't ready to beat you into paste...

“Got nothing to say, huh cheater?” Rainbow growls. “Fine, b-be that way...” Her composure quickly starts to fade as she sniffles and wipes her eyes with a foreleg. “W-What did I do wrong, Anon? I know I'm new at relationships, but I don't get it...”

Oh no. Pone waterworks. Your one weakness!

“Rainbow, look, this has all gotten really crazy. I don't really know what's going on either, but maybe if we go back to my place and talk it out we— CAN YOU PLEASE STOP LICKING MY HAND?!”

“But it's so salty...” Fluttershy whines. “I... I can't...”

Rainbow raises an eyebrow. “Wait, he tastes salty? Really?” She starts to approach you with a curious look in her eyes, and you notice she’s licking her lips.

Oh no. Oh fuck no. You're sweating all over from all the running. To a pony you're like a giant fucking crack rock just sitting in the street right now. If Rainbow jumps you the odds of getting away are slim, and two lusty intoxicated mares licking away at a monkey in the middle of the street is bound to attract some kind of negative attention. You can already imagine the morning headline of tomorrow's Foal Free Press...

You need to get home. Now. You wrack your brain for options. You know you can't outrun Dash, so...

Wait a minute. You're holding Fluttershy in your arms. Fluttershy is a pegasus. And you learned before that prolonged contact with a pegasus equals speed boost for Anon. It's still probably not enough to outrun her, but if you take her by surprise you might make it home before the shock wears off...

Yeah, might as well give it shot. You heft the little butterball and cradle her in your arms close to your chest. Then something strange happens.

She looks at you. It's not that slightly dopey lusty look that she usually has, or the fake sensual look she puts on when she's trying to guess a fetish. It's genuine surprise, followed by an odd calmness. She lets out the breath she was holding and her whole body relaxes in your arms. She pulls her little hooves in and folds her tail across her body like she's curling up to go to sleep. Several tears glimmer in the moonlight and fall as she closes her eyes and settles in.

You're so shocked and confused by what's happening that you forget what you were supposed to be doing.

Oh, right. Running away. You move your legs and blast off toward your house. It works just like before and you feel 40 or 50 pounds lighter.

“H-Hey! We're not done talking, Anon! Wait!” Rainbow zooms after you almost immediately, but if you can get home in the next 5-10 seconds you're home free. Any more than that and she's—

You smack into something and stumble backwards while somehow remaining on two feet. Fluttershy cries in surprise at the impact and clutches onto you in fear. Just as you regain your balance Rainbow slams into your back, driving you forward and into the strange object again. At least it's somewhat soft... must be a pony. And a tall one at that... oh shit!

“LUNA! You did hear me! Oh man am I happy to see you, this day's been absolutely nuts so far. I've been up to my eyeballs in...”

You fall silent when the dark alicorn regards you with a strange look of detachment. Come to think of it, she looks... bigger. And more menacing. And evil.

“...What sort of bizarre creature is this? Some type of evolved hairless ape? How utterly repulsive. Equestria has truly declined under Celestia's reign if detestable things like this are running around in the city streets.” She leans around you and regards the two pegasi now latched to your body with much more curiosity. “Oh ho ho, but what's this? I see two familiar looking faces...”

Fluttershy yelps and latches onto you with a death grip, the tremors running through her body nearly jolting you around like a loose jackhammer. Rainbow hops off your back and frowns.

“Not cool, Princess. Nightmare Night's still months away. You could really scare somepony or cause trouble with the guards if you walk around looking like that.”

Luna smiles. You're... fairly certain she has vampire fangs now. “Nightmare Night, you say? Tell me more, little pony.”

Dash rolls her eyes. “Oh no, we're not going through this again. You already know what it is so you can drop the act...”

Luna's horn glows and an aura surrounds Dash, and before anyone can figure out what's happening she's been roughly slammed to the ground and held there by the force of the magic, a yelp of pain escaping her mouth at the impact.

“When your Queen asks you a question, you ANSWER her, whelp!” Luna's eyes reflect pure malice. It's not something you think she's capable of faking... something is really, really wrong here. You step back and clutch Fluttershy a little tighter.

But just as quickly as the outburst comes, it vanishes and the magic holding Dash fades. “No... now is not the time for this. I can learn all I want about the modern era later. Besides, playing with my food now when it's weak and helpless is so unsatisfying...”

She looks directly at Dash, who's now trembling with fear herself. “Luna is dead and Celestia banished, little pony.” The dark alicorn's wicked grin returns. “Your only hope of ever seeing the wretched sun again is to assemble the Elements of Harmony and face me.”

Without even looking in your direction she casts a spell that creates a magical prison around you and Fluttershy. “You have one hour. If you haven't returned with the Elements by then, I will kill the bearer of Kindness and this... whatever it is... that she currently clings to, and all hope will be lost. You will not be told again.”

Dash looks at you and Fluttershy, the fear unmistakable in her eyes. “I-I don't know what's gotten into her, but don't worry. Twilight will know what to do. Just... just hang on for me, okay?”

You nod and she flies off toward the library.

Calmly, you start scratching Fluttershy's back to comfort her while you stare at the strange alicorn. Luna is dead...? No, you refuse to believe that! You refuse... and yet you're trembling yourself now...

“Luna...”

A few unbidden tears fall as your body shakes. Fluttershy calmly reaches out a hoof and places it on your chest. She looks at you with such kind eyes that it nearly takes your breath away. It's almost like she's caring for a sick or injured animal that doesn't understand why it's hurting.

“Shhhh... it's okay, Anon. I know it's scary, but you don't need to be afraid. Rainbow Dash will come back with our friends and we'll save Luna together. You'll see.”

It's crazy. Here you are holding her and trying to be strong for this little pegasus, who's normally scared of anything and everything, and she's the one comforting you. Can this day get any more bizarre?

“That's... that's Nightmare Moon, isn't it?” you ask.

Flutteshy nods. “That's right. I don't know why she's back, but I do know that Luna is somewhere inside of her, and the Elements can free her. I was there when it happened before. That's why you don't need to be afraid, Anon. Have faith in us.”

“...I do, Fluttershy,” you whisper as you start to chuckle for some reason. “You know... you six are absolutely nuts sometimes. If I'd never seen you work as a team before, I'd be really damn nervous knowing the fate of the world rests on your shoulders...”

Your hand finds its way to the spot just behind her left ear that she loves so much. You scratch and she coos.

“…But I have, and you guys are amazing together. If you say it's going to be okay, I believe you.”

Nightmare Moon sits in silence nearby with her eyes closed and a cocky grin on her face. She pays no attention to the two of you or any of the curious ponies that have come out of their homes to investigate what's going on.

Twenty minutes pass before you see the shadows of five mares advancing down the street, their Elements of Harmony necklaces and tiara sparkling in the moonlight. Nightmare Moon opens her eyes and smiles with delight when she senses their approach.

“Yes! Wonderful... I've waited two years for this moment...”

Your prison vanishes with a shimmer of her horn and you and Fluttershy waste no time in booking it over to the other Elements. Applejack hoofs over Fluttershy's Kindness necklace, completing the set, and you back away to watch with the other bystanders. Let's not kid yourself, Anon: when it comes to facing down magical evil goddesses you're shit-tier. You'd do more harm than good out there anyway.

The six mares stand before Nightmare Moon as she cackles with glee. “At last! Twilight Sparkle, we finally meet again. I don't believe we were properly introduced last t—”

“Save it. I don't care why you're here, or even how you're here right now. If you've so much as harmed one hair of Celestia's mane I will disassemble you on the molecular level piece by agonizing piece.”

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Twilight looks and sounds so absolutely pissed you rub your eyes to make sure it's actually her. Come to think of it, the others are looking really angry too. Even Pinkie seems like she's ready to rip and tear.

Nightmare Moon giggles. “Such bravado! How deliciously amusing... you're much different than last time. Very well, if you intend to be serious I won't hold back...”

The dark alicorn spreads her wings and jumps backwards about fifty feet or so. “Come, my wraiths... give these foals a little warm-up, will you?”

Dark pools of shadow appear on the ground in the area Nightmare Moon was previously standing. The pools rise and morph into the forms of bat-winged ponies consisting entirely of liquid-like darkness and blazing azure eyes. They let loose carnal otherworldly cries as they claw at the ground with razor sharp hooves and gnash their fangs in anticipation.

Twilight narrows her eyes. “Okay girls, formation delta-seven-bravo!”

To your complete surprise they all shout back in tandem: “Right!”

The six ponies split up and proceed to open a jumbo can of whoop-ass on the shadowy creatures.

Twilight melts them into goo with magical lasers. Applejack bucks them so hard they blast through the air and leave impact craters in the walls of nearby homes. Rainbow Dash flies so fast the air she displaces shreds them to ribbons. Rarity's needle-like magical waves dissect them with grim precision. Pinkie's all over the battlefield like a ninja, smashing faces with a frying pan when she's not shelling the area with party-based artillery. And Fluttershy stares at them so hard they either flee into the hooves of one of the others or literally try to kill themselves.

You're completely awestruck. When these ponies get serious they're a force to be reckoned with. No wonder Celestia never needs to get her hooves dirty!

But you can also tell that if something doesn't give soon they're going to tire out. Nightmare Moon hasn't even stepped into the battle yet and the shadowy creatures seem to keep coming no matter how many they kill. At this rate they'll never have an opportunity to stand still long enough to cast the purging spell...

Nightmare Moon seems to recognize that as well as she lets out another round of evil laughter. “Yes, very good! Continue to dance with the shadows for me! I find it most... amusing...?”

It happened so subtly and so fast you didn't even realize it, but the six ponies now completely encircle Nightmare Moon, their Elements shining. The entire time they were actually fighting to get in position, and Twilight was slowly charging the spell! The ribbon of rainbow magic connects between all six ponies, creating an inescapable barrier around Nightmare Moon as Twilight's eyes shine with magic.

The evil alicorn turns her ears back and chuckles. “It appears I've underestimated you yet again. Well done...”

The radiating wave of rainbow magic melts the remainder of the shadow wraiths as it converges on the center of the circle. You hear an agonized scream before the blinding light forces your eyes shut and an explosion rips through the street, spreading cobblestones, tree limbs and other random debris everywhere.

You shake your head and rub your eyes as you recover. The six ponies, looking a little worse for wear, are strewn all over the place just outside the wafting ring of smoke that lingers where Nightmare Moon used to be. All eyes focus on that smoke in anticipation, and Twilight cautiously trots a little closer to get a better look.

“Luna? Luna, are you there?”

Two large wings beat and blow the smoke away to reveal the form of Nightmare Moon... completely unharmed! She spreads her wings and casually checks them to make sure no feathers are out of place.

Twilight falls on her haunches at the sight, her mouth agape. “H-How...?! I don't understand... how...”

The maniacal laughter starts as a low rumble in dark alicorn's throat, then crescendos to an almost deafening cackle as she completely loses her composure.

“Luna? Luna?! You ask for little Luna! I am sorry, little unicorn, but Luna is no longer here. You see, that's thing about purging spells... if you're not currently inhabiting another's body, well... there's nothing to purge! Even a foal in magic kindergarten could understand that! I am not a Nightmare bound to Luna's pathetic body any longer. I am Nightmare Moon, the one true sovereign of Equestria's throne and the Queen of the Night! The reign of the Two Sisters has ended! The tyranny of the sun has ended! Bow before me you pathetic worms or face my judgment!”

One by one, all the surrounding ponies aside from the Elements fall to their knees. This... this is bad...

Twilight steels her resolve. “Never. If we can't purge you, we'll trap you in stone just like Discord...” The other five ponies stand beside her as she once again charges the Elements' spell, and the alicorn makes no move to stop them. The shimmering light of the spell connects with its target and the smoke clears to reveal a stone statue of Nightmare Moon resting where she once stood.

A collective sigh of relief rolls through the gathered crowd. And then a small, almost unnoticeable crack forms on the stone's surface. Black mist pours from the crack at an alarming rate and then reforms into the body of Nightmare Moon. Again, she looks completely unaffected by the magic as the stone shell that once covered her crumbles away, revealing itself to be hollow.

“Did you really think you could defeat me when Celestia couldn't? Are you realizing now that your hope and confidence was merely stupidity? I've barely even used a fraction of my power against you and already your greatest magic is rendered useless...”

She approaches the trembling little unicorn and lifts her chin with her starry mane to lock eyes with her. “But you will find that I am a forgiving Queen, Twilight Sparkle. This was all merely a demonstration for those gathered here that ponykind has no hope of ever opposing me. Rebellions tend to crumble before they can even begin in the face of overwhelming power. You've played your role in this exactly as I wanted. If you swear your loyalty to me now, I will forget all the past transgressions of you and your friends. We can start with a clean slate together... what do you say, hmmm?”

Twilight turns back and looks at the faces of her friends. One by one their eyes meet and a silent conversation takes place. Finally, she steps away from Nightmare Moon and turns to face her once more.

“We will never yield to your tyranny. Never.” The six again adopt a fighting stance...

“...I see. The resolve of the ponies of this era is strong. It appears I'll need to make an example of this village...”

Nightmare Moon’s horn shines and immediately all the ponies, including the Elements, cry out in pain and collapse. You can see a glowing light on each pony's chest as if something was burning them from the inside... but it doesn't stop there. Even the various nocturnal animals brave enough to remain nearby are affected by the spell and they wail in agony, too pained to move.

The evil alicorn grins wickedly. “My research into the magical nature of creatures was very thorough. In addition to feeding your embers in order to create Nightmares, I can also smother them as well. It's painful, is it not? Such a simple spell to perform once you know the trick... and no living creature on this planet is immune...”

So she says, but for some reason you don't feel anything. You're completely unaffected. And you realize that means you're the only hope the world has left.

Well, fuck.

The good news is, considering how she's treated you so far, you're pretty sure Nightmare Moon regards you as something less than pond scum. You're so little a threat to her she doesn't even notice that you're still standing.

You're gonna have one opportunity for a surprise attack. You blow this chance and you, along with everyone else here, are going to die.

Anonymous, you are a man forged in battle by constant rape attempts from little ponies. You've faced the magic of unicorns, the speed of pegasi, and the strength of earth ponies and prevailed... most of the time... by doing whatever was necessary.

You know what you have to do now. You can see the glow from Nightmare Moon's horn as she channels the spell. Slowly, you bend down and pick up a sturdy tree limb that was torn free by a prior explosion. You move into her blind spot and wait for the opportune moment.

3...
2...
1...

There it is. You rush forward and slam that branch into Nightmare Moon's horn like you're trying to hit a home run at the World Series. The branch actually splits in half at the impact and the alicorn lets out a howl of pain as she staggers from the blow. You can see a large crack beginning to travel up the length of the horn… bingo.

Her spell broken, the ponies all stagger to their hooves, panting for breath but thankfully unharmed. You did it!

Turning back toward the action, you see a very angry looking alicorn foaming at the mouth and attempting to stare a hole right through you. You... you really hope she doesn't have eye lasers at her disposal.

“HOW?! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?! NO CREATURE IN THIS WORLD IS BORN WITHOUT AN EMBER OF MAGIC!!”

“In case you haven't noticed, I'm not from around here,” you laugh.

Oh yeah, she’s mad. But... maybe that snappy comeback wasn't such a good idea. In lieu of magic she grabs ahold of you by the collar with her starry mane and lifts you off your feet. After staring you in the eyes with pure hatred for several moments she tosses you like a ragdoll into a nearby tree, and a sickening crack and an internal lurching sensation informs you that several things are broken. Ouch...

The six Elements all begin to approach Nightmare Moon, but even with her magic temporarily out of commission you're not certain of their odds. Derpy was right... alicorns are unbelievably OP. It doesn't even seem fair...

“I am impressed... your disgusting pet ape certainly took me by surprise, but it wasn't enough. This injury shall heal in a matter of minutes. You've only succeeded in delaying your annihilation.”

She attempts another round of laughter but the pain from her injury cuts it short. Well, at least you accomplished SOMETHING positive...

“Do you know what I find so amusing about all of this...?” the evil alicorn growls as she bites back the pain. “Luna knew! She knew what would happen the entire time and said nothing! Not to her beloved sister, not to the Elements tasked with defending the world... NOTHING! I can't understand it... I just can't understand it! Was she in denial the whole time, or did she just want the world to fall into my hooves?! I suppose—”

“And why should we bother our loved ones with such troubles when you are our responsibility from the start?”

Your vision's kinda hazy right now from the pain... but you could swear...

You force your eyes into focus. It's unmistakable...

“L-Luna...”

Yeah, she looks a little different. A little smaller, a little cuter... but that's her alright. Your Luna.

“Greetings, fair Anonymous and brave Elements! We sincerely apologize for the delay and for all the misfortune Nightmare Moon has wrought. We shall deal with this problem posthaste.”

“One by one, they keep coming out of the woodwork!” Nightmare Moon shouts, partly in anger and partly in amusement. “I'm surprised you're awake, little Luna, let alone walking around. Considering I siphoned most of your magic I don't know what you intend to accomplish here, but I welcome all challengers. Why, even that repulsive monkey tried his luck!”

You can see Luna’s body tense with anger for just a moment before her composure returns. “That 'monkey' is precious to us, and you shall pay dearly for what you've done.”

“Ha! And what do you intend to do?! You were always nothing, Luna! You were nothing without me, you could do nothing without me... you were no better than my shadow!”

Luna's horn begins to shine. “That was in the past, and you forget your place, monster. We are not thine shadow... thou art ours.”

The brightness of Luna's magic begins to consume her entire body. Everyone shies away from the sight, but Nightmare Moon looks unimpressed.

“No spell can bind me. No magic can seal me. No force can stop me! It's useless, Luna! Useless, useless, useless, use—”

Her tirade ends abruptly as she sees something in the distance that visibly strikes fear into her heart.

“No... it can't be... you would even...”

The rest of you see it as well. It's the middle of the night, but the sun is rising.

With a fearful scream, Nightmare Moon retreats into the shadows as fast as she can. “Curse you! Curse you! I will not be undone here! I WILL NOT BE UNDONE!” Her horn, now mostly healed, charges a huge spell for about 10 seconds before she vanishes in a flash of teleportation magic. Damn, she really wanted to get away... that's a hell of a teleport.

You slump against the tree and attempt to focus on anything other than the pain. This day's just been fuckin' great, huh Anon? Who doesn't like to unwind after a stressful day by getting their ass kicked by an evil goddess?

Yeah, you're ready to go to bed now. You drift off as all the voices around you become muddled together into a single sound...

~~~~~~~~~

“Ah... ah think he's wakin' up!”

“Oh, oh dear, oh my...”

“C'mon Anon...”

You open your eyes and regret it immediately. The damn sun is right overhead. You bring a hand up to prevent yourself from being blinded and three little ponies come into focus.

Applejack sports a simple smile as she removes her hat and places it on your head to keep the sun out of your eyes. Rainbow attempts to look calm and collected but her body language shows that she's secretly overcome with relief. Fluttershy clutches your side with her hooves and lays her head on your chest.

“How d'ya feel, sugarcube?”

“...Like I got hit by a truck,” you groan. “What happened?”

“Y-You were hurt by Nightmare Moon, but Twilight healed you with her magic. While you were sleeping I gave you a full checkup and you seem to be okay now,” Fluttershy explains, snuggling up to you in relief.

You turn to Rainbow. “You kept her away from my junk, right?”

The cyan pegasus blushes and looks away. “She... she said it was necessary for the checkup! I don't know anything about medical stuff with humans; how was I supposed to know?!”

Applejack chuckles. “Don't ya worry none, ah made sure nothin' untoward happened durin' that part. We're just glad yer okay.”

“Ah... has fair Anonymous awakened?” a weak voice calls from nearby. “We must speak with him...”

“Looks like yer bein' summoned,” Applejack says as she spins around and flops her tail on top of your stomach. “Grab on and ah'll help ya up.” You do so and the earth pony effortlessly pulls you to your feet. Aside from a little soreness you seem no worse for wear.

Luna, on the other hand...

If you feel like you were hit by a truck, she looks like she was run over by a bulldozer and dumped into a volcano. She lays on her side, mane and tail frayed and burnt with patchy spots all over her coat. You immediately rush over to her.

“Luna, what happened to you?!”

She giggles. “Fear not; ‘tis not fatal. Manipulating the sun is not exactly in our nature and it tends to burn those who are unfamiliar with it. We shall recover, though with the majority of our magic stolen away it shall take quite some time...”

Stolen? Yeah, that's right, Nightmare Moon did say something like that, didn't she? Speaking of which...

“Where's Nightmare Moon?”

“That is what we wanted to discuss,” Luna whispers. “Please, gather the others.”

Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy all stand around you as you kneel down beside Luna and gently brush her mane with the back of your hand. Rarity, Pinkie and Twilight rest on their haunches further away, looks of concern on their faces.

“Nightmare Moon has escaped us... escaped to the only place remaining that is safe for her: our ancient palace on the moon's surface. From there she will bide her time and increase her power until she is able to return. What was experienced here was a mere fraction of her potential... given time she will become completely unstoppable.”

Twilight looks away. “W-What do we do, Princess? The Elements don't work...”

“No, they do not. Nightmare Moon is not as she once was. She has already been purged from our body once, but she was saved from oblivion by the Grimoire. This makes her no longer susceptible to the Elements' purging or petrification spells. However, all is not lost... for as a being without a true body, she's merely traded one weakness for another.”

“The sun...” you murmur, your eyes trailing on instinct to the celestial orb for a brief moment.

Luna nods. “Yes... you saw how she feared the light. As long as the sun shines upon Equestria she can never return. This is why she fled to the dark side of the moon. By completely wresting it from our control and freezing its place in the heavens she's ensured that the light of the sun will never reach her there.”

Rarity gasps. “You mean to say you can't move the moon anymore, Princess?”

“Yes... it is why we are so drained. Our connection with the moon is our wellspring of magic, much like Sister's connection with the sun. Though it has been severed, it will reform again once Nightmare Moon's influence fades...” Luna shifts her hooves a bit and looks at all of you with a grave expression.

“Listen carefully. Time is short. As it is now, Equestria is under the influence of an Eternal Day until Sister is freed. Without the cycle of day and night this world will wither and die, but we cannot risk touching the sun again, and even if we could it would allow for Nightmare Moon's return. With every moment we waste her power grows. She MUST be defeated quickly.”

Twilight taps her hooves in thought. “I... I don't see how we can unless somepony travels to the moon to confront her.”

Luna glances at you and smiles.

“Anonymous...” Oh no...

“Loyalty...” Rainbow Dash gulps.

“Honesty...” Applejack perks up.

“Kindness...” Fluttershy squeaks and hides behind her mane.

“The four of you shall go and face her.”

“Ha. Ha ha ha,” you laugh, slapping your knee in mirth. “Even when things are this bad you're still able to tell a good joke!”

“We are not joking.”

“That's what I was afraid of. Follow-up question: WHY?!”

Luna sighs. “You experienced it yourself. Anonymous, you are the only creature in the entire world, need we remind you, that is immune to her ember manipulation magic. Without you any attack on her is doomed to failure.”

Unfortunately, she makes a good point.

You gulp. “Okay. Okay, fine. But even given all that, do you really expect the four of us to be able to beat her?! She's like an immortal goddess or something, right? What chance do we have?”

“No, Anonymous, we do not expect you to defeat her, we merely expect you to distract her. While she deals with you her concentration over the moon will falter. In that moment, Twilight Sparkle and a contingent of powerful unicorns from Sister's school of magic will focus on rotating the moon along its axis until the palace faces the sun.”

“Twilight's jaw hits the floor. “M-M-M-Me?! Rotate the moon?! But... but... but I've never studied anything like that before! I'm completely unprepared!! Will I be graded on it? Oh no, oh no... I... I think it'd be better if you did it, Princess.”

“We barely have the strength to stay conscious, much less manipulate celestial objects. Fear not, the spells involved are well documented. With your talent you will learn them easily.”

You rub your eyes, trying to fight off that oh-so-familiar oncoming headache again. “So... the plan is for the four of us to go up there and run around and somehow not die long enough for Purplesmart and her crew to spin the moon and roast the Queen with sunlight. Great. I think I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.”

Twilight pops up next to you, her mane starting to become disturbingly disheveled. “M-Me too, Anon!”

Yeah, this is re-goddamn-diculous. How can she possibly expect you to—

Before you can go off on a full internalized rant, you feel a comforting presence leaning against your left side.

“Ah'll be right by yer side, sugarcube. No matter what happens, ah'll protect ya.”

Rainbow leans on your right side. “The same goes for me. That old nag'll have to go through us if she wants to mess with you, Anon!”

Fluttershy nuzzles your crotch. “I'll... I'll do my best...”

You can't help but laugh. These three marshmallow horses... when they say it like that, you almost believe you guys can actually do this!

Your eyes drift and capture Luna's own and you hear her voice echoing in your thoughts.

Forgive us. We sincerely hoped that this would never come to pass. We would not ask this of you were it not necessary, or if we believed you would not succeed.

I know, Luna.

She smiles and turns away. Please... trust in them with all your heart. Even when we fail you, they will not. Promise us, Anonymous.

I'll trust them. I promise.

You step away from the crowd and your three little ponies instinctively follow you.

“Where're we goin', Anon?” Applejack asks.

“I've gotta get some stuff for the trip. If you guys need to grab anything from home now's probably the time.”

The three exchange a few glances and all head their separate ways, leaving you alone on the road to home.

If you're going to the moon, you're probably gonna need to bring a jacket.

And your flask full of SAA Reserve.

Yeah, definitely gonna need that too...

11 - Dreams

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, you begin gathering your things.

Magical wristwatch, smoke bombs, flashlight, hiking jacket, flask topped off from your secret stash, teleportation gem— wait, would the gem even be useful? It's got a max range of a couple of miles at most, so it's not gonna get you home from the moon. Eh, fuck it, you toss it in your pocket anyway.

And finally, from the depths of your closet... your custom made Louisville Slugger.

You heft the weapon and stare at it with fondness. Ah, memories. You haven't had to pull this out for a while, even though your life has become crazier and crazier since that day Luna drew you into her dream and captured your heart. Even though it was never effective at scaring off Flutterbutter and the others, maybe it’ll finally get some real use for once. You give it a few test swings. Perfect balance... much better than that tree limb you had to use earlier today. Hopefully next time you'll be able to hit Evil Moon Horse hard enough to snap her stupid horn right off.

You tie a rope to the handle and near the middle of the bat so you can sling it across your back. It's not like you want to have this thing in your hands the entire time you're running around up there. Not the most elegant solution, as Squiggletail would say, but good enough for now.

That should be it. You head to the front door and open it, but find yourself lingering in the doorway for a while. This little house has been good to you... and this might be the last time you ever see it…

Shaking your head, you cast away those morbid thoughts, close the door and lock it. Yeah, you'll be back.

On the way back your fellow members of Moon Strike Force Alpha appear in the distance coming from different directions. You can see Applejack and Fluttershy sporting a set of saddlebags while Rainbow has her flight goggles. As the three near one another, they all gasp and quickly close the distance, yelling the same thing in unison:

“Where did you get that pendant?!”

You get closer and sure enough, each one is wearing a beautiful pendant similar to the others. Rainbow has her ruby one from this morning, Applejack's is inlaid with a brilliant sapphire, and Fluttershy's is some sort of deep onyx.

Rainbow shoots you a death glare. “So, Anon... you got some gifts for all your marefriends, huh? Was it buy two get one free at the jewelry store or something?”

“Rainbow, I told you this morning that I don't know where that thing came from.” You reach down and tweak one of her ears and she lets a giggle slip before jumping away from you and resuming her angry stare. “You have those ears, you should try using 'em sometime.”

Applejack scratches her head. “Ah found mine on my dresser after the whole fiasco with my Nightmare. Ah've been meanin' ta track down the owner but just haven't had the time, and it's right pretty...”

“That's great and all, but why are you guys wearing these now? I don't think Nightmare Moon really cares how good you look.”

Rainbow blushes. “You think I look good...?”

“Ah can't rightly explain it,” Applejack says, tapping the jewel with her hoof, “but ah feel like ah should be wearin' this thing right now. Ah know that don't make much sense, but that's just the way it is. It's like it was callin' to me from the back of my mind.”

Fluttershy smiles. “I think I might know. They look so similar to one another. Princess Luna gave mine to me, and it has a secret!”

She takes a few steps away from you and closes her eyes. The onyx jewel of her pendant shines and a flash of light travels down the length of her body…

“W-What in tarnation?!”

“That. Is. So. AWESOME~!”

The two other mares run up and examine Fluttershy who's now sporting her impressive looking Knight of the Moon armor, and she flutters her wings with happiness.

“That's not all, though. It can also do this...” The armor-clad pegasus proceeds to walk into your shadow, where she completely vanishes. You feel a buttery hoof begin to caress your thigh and you jump to the side, revealing her again when your shadow moves.

Rainbow Dash excitedly circles Fluttershy in the air. “You've got to tell me how to make it work! Maybe mine can do it too! C'mon, tell me, how do you do the armor thing?!”

Fluttershy turns to you and her cheeks take on a rosy shade. She tilts her head down and scuffs the ground with a hoof. “When she gave me my pendant, Princess Luna said that if I ever needed this armor, all I needed to do was to think about my most precious somepony... the pony who I want to protect more than anything in the whole world... and the jewel would listen...”

Rainbow's jaw hangs open and her wings involuntarily shoot out and retract. She takes a few steps back and looks away.

You turn to Applejack and find that she's looking right at you with a gentle smile. Her sapphire pendant begins to shine and in a flash she's covered by a much sturdier version of the Knight of the Moon armor to better match her build.

“Lands sakes! This is amazin'!” the overjoyed earth pony exclaims, twirling around a few times to get a better look.

Rainbow sits on her haunches with her ears folded back as she watches the others, nervously tapping her front hooves together. “Well c'mon, what're ya waitin' for?” Applejack asks when she notices Rainbow’s hesitation.

“But it's embarrassing!” Dash whines.

“Oh fer cryin' out loud...” Applejack trots over to the oddly skittish Rainbow and turns her head toward you with a nudge of her hoof. She meets your gaze for several moments, her poor cheeks blazing, and with a flash an incredibly streamlined and aerodynamic-looking version of the the Knight of the Moon armor is covering her body.

“Whoa~!” She immediately takes to the air and flies around, testing the effect of the armor on her airspeed. “Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh this is awesome! We're gonna kick Nightmare Moon's flank SO HARD with these~!”

The three ponies crowd around and start chatting with one another about their armor, leaving you to your thoughts.

And boy do you have some thoughts. Luna's been passing out powerful magical armor that's activated by, for lack of a better term, LOVE to the ponies who're most infatuated with you. Fluttershy's one thing, but AJ and Rainbow too...? Fucking Moon Horse... she's shown in the past that she's like some kind of crazy chessmaster who can see twenty moves ahead while at the same time appearing like she's just going with the flow. Now you know that her choice of you, Rainbow, AJ and Flutters for this moon mission thing was no mere random selection at all.

“Luna... just what in the hell have you been plotting?” you mutter under your breath.

It's about time the two of you had a little talk about all this, and you're gonna get some goddamn answers. You whistle to get the attention of the little ponies.

“C'mon, we shouldn't keep the others waiting.”

The three close around you in a delta formation at the sound of your voice, all smiles. Rainbow especially is digging her new getup. Their happiness is a bit infectious and you find yourself smiling too as you head down the road.

But your smile quickly fades as you reach the others. Nurse Redheart and some of the staff from the Ponyville Hospital are all crowding around Luna while Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie nervously stand off to the side. You rush forward to the scene as fast as you can.

“What happened?”

Redheart turns to you with a worried expression. “Twilight called me over here to check on the Princess' injuries, but when I arrived she had already fallen into a coma. We don't have the expertise at the hospital to deal with an alicorn... we need to get her to Canterlot right away!”

You kneel down next to the injured mare. She looks so delicate now... she's sweating and appears to be in the throes of a nightmare.

“Don't worry Anon,” Twilight says as she moves beside you. “I've already asked the mayor to use her authority to charter the next train to Canterlot exclusively for us. I'm sure the royal physicians there will know exactly what to do...”

“Luna...”

You whisper her name softly as you gently stroke her mane. If only you’d said more to her when you had a chance… if only you could do something more to help.

Redhart trots to your side. “Mr. Anonymous, we need to move her to the station and I'm afraid to use magic on her in this state. Do you think you could...?”

“Yeah, don't worry.”

With the utmost care you gingerly pick the now somewhat smaller alicorn up and cradle her in your arms, careful to avoid making contact with the worst of her burns. You turn down the road toward the station and the rest of the ponies follow. Seeing her like this has really shaken you. Like the moon itself, you sort of saw her as an unchangeable constant; something that would always be there. But now...

You shake your head. No, you need to stay focused for both her and the others. Without Luna's leadership you guys'll have to plan and execute this whole moon mission on your own. Worrying won't make that any easier for anyone.

You sigh and whisper into her ear as you walk, “I guess you want to hold on to your secrets for a little while longer, huh?”

Her pained expression becomes slightly more peaceful when she hears your voice.

~~~~~~~~~

You close the curtains to your private balcony and flop back on the bed. It's becoming difficult to tell the passage of time with the sun stuck directly overhead. Is it supposed to be day now? Night? Who knows? A glance at your watch reveals that about 7 hours have passed since you arrived in Canterlot, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.

You managed to get some sleep at least. Twilight's orders. The little unicorn's really stepped up to the plate; she's been coordinating everything from the moment you got here.

There's a knock on the door, and you hop up and answer it to find a guardspony on the other side. “Sir Anonymous? Director Sparkle has requested your presence at the staging area,” he says.

Looks like it's go time. You grab your bat and jacket and step into the hall.

“Lead the way.”

The guard takes you through the winding corridors of Canterlot Castle to the Princess' private gardens where the Elements and several important-looking unicorns are waiting for you.

Rainbow, Fluttershy and AJ perk up when they see you. They've got their pendants on in addition to some stylish scarves secured around their necks with large brooches set with a strange type of gem, and you also notice each pony's scarf matches the color of their pendant as you smile at them.

“This is Rarity's work, I take it?” you ask as you approach.

A pale blue aura levitates another brooch and pins it to your jacket. “Indeed it is, darling. The gem will cast a soft light in total darkness that will allow you to see where you're going when you get there. I understand it can be quite dark on the dark side of the moon, after all. Also, I simply can't permit you four to save the world without looking fabulous while doing so. Surely you understand.”

Her precise fidgeting to make sure the brooch looks perfect on you draws out a chuckle.

“Whatever you say. Thanks, Rarity.”

You begin to walk over to where Twilight and the rest of the girls are waiting when a pink pony bounds in front of you sporting a big smile.

“Let me guess... you've been up to something too, huh?”

Pinkie shrugs. “Ehhhhh, not really, just helping the kitchen staff with a little baking. I need to leave for Ponyville to get the party ready so I won't be staying here for long. All those supplies we bought are gonna come in handy~!”

Party? Yeah, better not ask...

“Hey Non-non, can I talk to you about something?” Pinkie asks, a certain look in her eyes telling you her question’s probably important. You glance over at where Twilight’s talking with the other unicorns. She looks hella stressed out and is motioning you over.

“Yeah, as long as it's quick.”

Pinkie's ears fold back. “Okie-dokie. But I want you to listen to this and take it to heart, okay?” She rears up and taps a hoof on your chest.

“You got it.”

“I have like a gazillion friends that I care about,” she begins. “I'm best friends with lots of ponies. I'm super duper best friends with Twilight and the others. But I'm super duper looper wooper best friends with Fluttershy. She talks to me about lots of stuff... stuff she can't tell Rarity because it'll just get out as gossip. But she can always trust her Auntie Pinkie Pie to keep a secret! So she tells me things. I can't tell you what specifically cause they're secrets... but they're important things. And because I know these things, I can tell you...”

She looks you dead in the eyes with probably the most heartfelt and sincere expression you've ever seen from her.

“…That no matter what happens. No matter how bad it gets. No matter how lost and alone you feel... she will always, always, always, always be there for you, Non-non.”

The pink hoof taps your chest again. “This never lies. Just remember that, okay?” she says as she hops down.

You place your hand where her hoof was and you feel your own heartbeat. “I will.”

Pinkie winks at you. “Give Black Snooty one for me, will ya? Oh, and try to wrap things up soon. I want to start the party at around 7pm. Good luck!” She bounds away down a nearby side corridor before you can answer.

Yeah, that's Pinkie being Pinkie you guess. You take a deep breath and continue over to the others.

Looks like Rainbow's busy doing loops in the air while looking backwards and trying to judge how cool she looks with her scarf. Twilight's speaking with some old looking unicorns, Fluttershy's off to the side, and Applejack... hey, where'd she go?

Without warning you feel the fingers of your right hand running through a golden, silky mane. You turn and see the orange earth pony trotting by your side, sapphire scarf flowing as she moves, with your hand resting on the top of her head. You take the hint and scratch a few times, and two pony ears flick with delight.

“What, no hat?” you ask, reluctantly allowing your hand to leave her mane.

“Ah left it with Applebloom. She's gettin' ta be that age... it was about time ta pass it on anyway, and Pa, bless his soul, he'd never forgive me if ah got it lost somewhere up there on the moon...”

She moves closer to you so that your leg brushes her side with each step. You can feel the weight of what just went unsaid and you bring your hand to her far side to pat her reassuringly.

“I bet she was overjoyed to get it.”

The pony chuckles. “Ya got that right. But ah think Mac was even more proud. Ta see the look on his face... it was worth it, Anon. He loves that little filly more than words can say. We both do.”

“Well, when we get back we should all have dinner together and give her a chance to show it off. What do you think?”

Applejack smiles, then playfully bumps your leg, causing you to stagger a bit. “Ah'd like that, but don't think ah don't recognize an excuse ta get a free Apple family meal outta me when ah see one!” she laughs.

“But you're the reason I'm so addicted to them in the first place!”

The earth pony runs ahead of you, turns, and gives you a sly grin and a wink. “Oh, ah know, sugarcube. Ah know~” She canters off to go lasso Dash before she starts performing a full blown stunt routine for the ponies who've started paying attention to her aerial antics.

You shake your head. Looks like Luna's not the only mastermind around here. Speaking of whom...

Fluttershy perks up as you approach her. She hides her smile behind her onyx-colored scarf.

“Any word on Luna?” you ask.

She shakes her head. “No. The doctors all say her condition is stable, but she won't wake up. They've treated her wounds as best they can, but there's not much else that can be done...”

You cross your arms and sigh. “I guess we're really on our own this time, huh?”

“Anon!” Twilight comes running over, prompting a squeak from Fluttershy. Man, her mane's a disaster and even the brush a worried-looking Rarity's constantly levitating to try and fix it isn't helping. “You're finally here! Everything's ready, and according to my timetable we need to start the mission in approximately four minutes. I'll need you and the others to come stand over here in the marked area.”

You and Fluttershy both follow Twilight to an open area containing what looks like a gigantic arcane ritual circle that's been painted on top of the grass. She motions the two of you to stand in the middle, which you do, though Fluttershy is a little hesitant.

Applejack proudly trots over to you with a hogtied Cyan Pone on her back. “Darn it AJ, I said two more minutes! Just two!” the pegasus protests.

With a flick of her tail, Rainbow's deposited on the grass and the rope comes undone. “Now, now, ah've known ya long enough ta know when it comes ta showin' off, yer two minutes is our fifteen. Considerin' all the stress Twi's under ah don't wanna keep her waitin',” Applejack says with a chuckle.

Twilight nods and Rarity huffs in annoyance as her attempts to fix Twilight's mane are interrupted by the motion. “I appreciate it. Before we begin I've allotted 2 minutes and 43 seconds for a brief overview of your objectives. Please hold your questions until the end.”

The four of you nod in understanding. Twilight magics over a portable easel with various charts and pictures. Is... is this some kind of pony powerpoint presentation? She levitates a pointer to the board, drawing your attention to the first item as she begins her speech.

“The basic plan is exactly what Luna originally proposed. The four of you will travel to the moon, infiltrate Princess Luna's old palace, and locate and confront Nightmare Moon. During this time, I'll be monitoring the level of her magical control over the moon from Canterlot. As soon as her control is interrupted, our specialized unicorn guard contingent and the instructors and advanced students of magic from the university, along with myself, will begin a ritual spell to rotate the moon, exposing the palace to sunlight and destroying Nightmare Moon for good.”

She flips a few more pages on her easel, revealing crude drawings of the four of you. “Now, as for your roles: at first I didn't really understand the Princess' reasoning for choosing the four of you in particular aside from Anon—”

“Hey!” A flank-slap from AJ's tail quiets Rainbow's outburst.

“—but the fact that she provided you with extremely powerful enchanted armor goes a long way toward explaining it.” She trots in place for a bit with excitement. “Oh, if only I had more time to study that armor! The design appears similar to a pre-classical style found in the Crystal Empire and—”

“AHEM!” Rarity's polite cough causes Twilight to snap out of her spergfest, her ears folding back in embarrassment.

“R-Right. Anyway, the magic within the armor will greatly increase your overall combat effectiveness and survivability, but there seems to be a limitation on how much you can use it. I didn't have time to figure out the details, so be careful.”

The three ponies glance at each other with a mild look of worry.

“As for you, Anon...” Twilight trots up to you, levitating something with her magic. “I know you don't have any armor, nor any real combat experience, so Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy will mainly act to protect you as the four of you move throughout the palace. Keep in mind that your job is very important to the success of the mission! Should Nightmare Moon try to use her ember magic on the others, you have to disrupt her spell at any cost...”

She moves the item held by her magic forward and you take it in your hand.

“My flashlight!” you exclaim. “I've been looking for this since I got here...”

Twilight stops you when you move to test it. “Careful! I've enchanted it with a spell to project pure sunlight instead of artificial light, which will be extremely harmful to Nightmare Moon, but the magic will drain the battery after only three seconds of sustained use. It's a last resort, so only use it when you really, really need to.”

You safely pocket the flashlight. Damn, you'll definitely keep that in mind...

She steps back to address all of you. “If the Princess put her faith in you there's a good probability you'll succeed, but since you're all my friends, I KNOW you will! Don't forget that we'll all be supporting you.”

A unicorn stallion whispers something into Twilight's ear.

“We're ready to begin,” she says, the seriousness in her voice palpable. “Please stand as close together as possible in the center of the circle.”

You all bunch up together as various unicorns standing at the perimeter of the circle begin to charge their horns.

“This teleport spell isn't gonna hurt, is it?” you nervously ask.

Twilight giggles. “Don't be silly, Anon! I can't possibly teleport you to the moon. The distance is too great. Only one of the Princesses would be able to do something like that.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Uh... doesn't this whole thing hinge on us getting there?”

“Of course! But since we can't teleport you, we'll be using an alternative method. A variation of the banishment spell Princess Celestia originally used to seal Nightmare Moon that should take you straight there!”

...Banishment?

“Uh... Twi? Ah'm floatin' here.”

You look down at your feet. Yep, the four of you are now floating just above the ground.

“Your courage is an inspiration,” a random stallion says as he salutes you.

“...What?”

It begins before you get an answer, as the four of you suddenly accelerate into the sky at an incredible speed.

This isn't teleportation magic. This isn't teleportation magic at all!

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!”

You're all screaming at the top of your lungs. The three ponies cling to you in absolute terror since you're the biggest thing around. Clouds rush past you and the sky darkens as you begin to tear through Equestria's atmosphere, but through the fear and the screams, one thought repeats in your mind:

When you get back from this you are going to kill Twilight Sparkle.

~~~~~~~~~

It's been 8 hours.

You've been sailing through space for 8 hours now.

You're like some kind of bizarre asteroid consisting of 3/4 Ponium and 1/4 Anonium ore. All the screaming got old after a while so you stopped that and settled on casual conversation and games of 20 questions instead, but after you ran out of topics, everyone kind of just decided to do their own thing.

Rainbow's napping. Applejack's stargazing. Fluttershy subtly tries to unzip your fly about once every 10 minutes so she can give you a space blowjob.

Yep, just another normal day for Anon.

But oddly enough, despite it all you feel a strange sense of peace. The constant contact of the ponies clinging to you is reassuring. Sure, you'll all probably die instantly when you collide with the moon, but at least you won't be alone.

You watch Rainbow's steady breathing as she snoozes away on one side of you. You admire Applejack's look of wonder as she turns her head to stare at the countless stars that shine in the darkness. Hell, even the fake look of innocence Fluttershy gives you as you catch her mouth going for your zipper again is a little cute...

There’s lurching sensation as you're pulled into the moon's gravity well. The spell seems to be directing you into an approach orbit for a landing on the far side. Classic Autismo; she really thought of everything. Maybe you'll survive after all!

You wake Rainbow up as you cross the terminator line separating the near side from the far side and travel beyond the reach of the sun's light. But to your surprise, you don't find only darkness waiting for you on the other side...

“Whoa...”

“Tarnation...”

“Oh my...”

The little ponies are awestruck at the sight, and so are you. The brightness of the stars beyond the dark side is astonishing, but what really captures your attention are the eerie pale blue lights that burn throughout a section of the absolutely massive lunar palace below you. The illuminated section is only a small, small portion of the entire palace, but there's no mistaking it: that's where you'll find Nightmare Moon.

The spell begins to decelerate you until you come to a complete stop roughly 10 feet above the lunar surface, after which you're unceremoniously dumped into a pony/human pile on the dusty ground of one of the palace's countless open courtyards.

“Ow...”

“Consarn it, Twi...”

*whimper*

“Eh, knowing Twilight it could've been worse,” you say as you pull yourself to your feet.

The four of you dust yourselves off and examine your surroundings. This section of the palace is completely dark, but the starlight and Rarity's gems allow you to see well enough. You turn and gaze at a grand spire in the distance that shines with strange blue light.

“...That looks like someplace an evil goddess would hang out. What do you guys think?” you ask, pointing at the structure.

Applejack brings a hoof to her chin. “Hmmmm... ah reckon that looks menacin' enough ta start.”

Rainbow shrugs. “Good enough for me.”

“M-Maybe we should check someplace not so scary looking first... um...” Fluttershy spins around a few times looking for something safer, but only evil-looking shadows and dark corridors surround you. “N-Nevermind.”

“Well, let's—”

”MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!”

Evil laughter echoes through the courtyard and instantly the three ponies surround you in a defensive circle. Yes, even Fluttershy, surprisingly enough.

Rainbow stands on her hind hooves and throws a few unbalanced jabs at the air. “C'mon, quit hiding! We're not scared of you!”

The laughter continues. ”Well, well, well... and here I thought I'd be bored while replenishing my magic. What's the matter, my dear, dear subjects? Could you not stand to be away from your beloved Queen for too long? Your devotion is admirable~”

Applejack sneers. “The only thing yer queen of is a buncha moon dust 'n rocks!”

“That's right! The reason we're here is to kick your sorry flank back to whatever hole you crawled out of!” Rainbow declares.

“Um... I think you should just give up and leave Equestria alone forever... if you want to, that is. Alsoyou'rereallyfat. *meep*” Fluttershy yelps as she hides behind your legs. “D-D-Did I say that out loud?!”

Nightmare Moon's playful tone immediately vanishes. ”I see. So you truly wish to die. Very well... if you're so intent on becoming my evening entertainment, you'll find me in the nearby tower. But I warn you, my precious pets can be a bit territorial, so do be careful on the way...” Her laughter fades into the distance until only the stillness and silence of the moon remain.

“I don't like the sound of that...” you mutter as you eye the distant structure.

Rainbow scoffs. “She's just blowing hot air out her plothole. C'mon, the faster we get there the faster this is over!”

The four of you make your way to a grand door that leads to a hall that runs in roughly the direction you need to move in order to reach the spire. You peer down the dark corridor, as far as the light from your gem will allow. Yeah, this looks vaguely familiar. Luna brought you to a section of palace like this once before in a dream. Back then, the palace was illuminated by the sun, and it looked immaculate, yet lonely in the light. This version, though... it's straight out of a fucking horror movie. It feels like something could leap out from the shadows to butcher you at any second.

You move near a set of braziers on either side of the hall and they begin burning with blue flames the moment you step past. You somehow manage to choke down the incredibly girly scream that almost flew out of your mouth, and the three ponies decide to share an impromptu group hug that you're sure wasn't motivated by immense fear at all!

The rest of the braziers lining the corridor behave in a similar fashion, igniting when you get near. You've gotta give Nightmare Moon credit – she's got style. It's all been very Castlevania-esque so far. The four of you bravely continue onward...

...Until the howling starts.

Applejack gulps. “Uh... Shy? Any idea what kinda critter makes that sound?”

Fluttershy trembles a bit and answers, “M-Murderhounds.”

The color drains from Rainbow's face.

“C'mon, that's not a real animal, right?” you ask, holding onto the hope that she’s just joking.

Fluttershy shakes her head. “Um... no, they're real. They're like normal hounds, but they live only to murder things. They're almost extinct because they like murder more than they like rutting, which is strange because the rutting usually involves murder too. I-Instead of saliva they secrete their own blood from their jaws so they have to constantly kill and drink the blood of other creatures to survive.”

You pat the little pegasus on the head. “Wow, that's really informative, Fluttershy. You're very knowledgeable about the bio—WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS UNIVERSE?!”

Two snarling hounds about the size of a great dane emerge from a nearby side passage in response to your outburst. Just like Flutterbutter said, they're drooling blood everywhere and eyeing you with great interest.

Yeah, fuck this.

You toss a smoke bomb, grab on to Yellowquiet, nod to Rainbow and Applejack and take off down the corridor. The murderhounds are wary of the lingering smoke and afraid to follow, so even though they eventually figure out that it's harmless, it buys you enough time to get a decent lead on them, especially with the pegasi speed boost from holding Fluttershy kicking in.

Rainbow flies up beside you as you flee. “Why're we running?! We should fight them!”

“How about we don't and just tell everyone back home we did?!” you yell back, tossing another smoke bomb when you hear the hounds' growling getting uncomfortably close. This time they charge through the smoke without fear. Shit, if you don't do something they're gonna catch up... unless...

“AJ! The torches!”

Applejack's eyes light up in realization. “Ah gotcha, Anon! C'mon, Rainbow!” She pours on the speed and charges ahead of you with a confused Dash following. The farmpony stops in front of one of the now lit braziers much further up the hallway and bucks it, sending the blue flames cascading across the floor. Rainbow does the same with the one on the other side as you pass by, forming a low wall of flame that quickly begins to grow as it consumes the carpeting.

You turn and toss your final smoke bomb ahead of the flame wall. Hopefully this'll work...

Just as you suspected, the murderhounds again charge through the smoke without fear... and right into the magical fire you left behind. They begin to howl in anguish as the three of you reach a door at the end of the hallway and burst through it before the smell of burning fur can reach your nostrils.

You slam the door shut behind you and stop to catch your breath for a few moments, then turn to ask the trembling pegasus in your arms, “D-Do you think they'll still come after us after that?”

She shakes her head. “N-No... they'll probably kill each other because of their injuries. Any perceived weakness among a pack member is an excuse for murder.”

Rainbow rolls her eyes. “Gee, I wonder why they're endangered?”

AJ trots forward and starts looking around as you set Fluttershy back on her hooves. “Hey y'all, ah think we're nearly there!”

She's right. You're in yet another open courtyard, this one much more massive than the last, with stone paths that cut through the moon's surface and form a cross in the center where the great illuminated spire rises into the starscape.

”YOU WRETCHED FOALS!!”

Nightmare Moon's voice booms across the courtyard. She doesn't sound happy.

”How dare you harm my beloved Patches and Mr Woof Woof! You shall experience unending suffering for this...”

A ring of shadow begins to expand from the tower, blanketing the entire courtyard. The four of you take a cautious step back as Nightmare Moon again fills the silence with laughter.

”Yes, this will be most entertaining... RISE, MY WRAITHS!”

Countless shadow wraiths similar to the beasts Nightmare Moon summoned in Ponyville begin to emerge from the darkness that envelops the ground, and a cacophony of wailing and gnashing of teeth fills the courtyard. You find you're so overcome with fear at the sight that your legs won't move. Twilight and the others had trouble handling about 30 of these things before, and there are more than 500 of them here!

There's nothing but open ground filled with wraiths between you and the tower. There's nowhere to hide and no clever trick is going to save you this time. Another tremor of fear runs through you. What do you do? What CAN you do? You're... you're...

“Applejack, Fluttershy.” You hear Rainbow's voice, oddly calm, rise above the din. She steps in front of you and the other two follow her, almost on instinct.

“We can't run from this one, Anon,” she says, turning back to face you. “But don't worry.”

“'Cause we'll never.” Her ruby pendant shines and the light begins to overtake her.

“Ever.” Fluttershy and Applejack's pendants glow as well as their armor begins to form.

“Ever let them lay a hoof on you.”

She turns back and together the three armored ponies begin to stride toward the mass of wraiths. You think back to what Luna said just before she fell into her coma. She implored you to trust them, and as you watch their tails grow smaller as they step away from you, you realize that you do. You don't know how, but you know they will see you through this.

A few of the monsters leap at Applejack, and in one fluid motion she turns and bucks them as they sail through the air.

But then something curious happens.

The bucked wraiths fly back and collide with more of their peers, but their momentum doesn't slow. They continue to fly like cannonballs through the ranks of shadows, causing a chain reaction of impacts like someone set a bunch of dominoes falling. Wraiths that don't collide with one another are liquefied upon smashing into the ground or the tower. When it's all over, roughly 30 of them have been killed by a single buck.

The wraiths are frozen in shock. You're frozen in shock. Rainbow's jaw is on the ground.

Applejack stares at her armor covered hooves in wonder. “Sweet mother of Celestia... did ah really do that just now?” After pondering for a few moments she casually turns and bucks another one and it happens again.

It keeps happening!

Rainbow dons a wicked grin. In a flash, she takes to the air, then dive-bombs the crowd, stopping just inches from the ground. The air disrupted by her lightning-fast descent acts like a concussion grenade, clearing out a ring of wraiths around her. “SO. AWESOME~!” She laughs with glee and does it again.

Fluttershy turns and bucks a few wraiths in fear as they approach her, but her kicks have far less power behind them than AJ's. She tries to stay behind the two other ponies as they absolutely wreck face.

But despite how much ass the ponies are kicking, more wraiths seem to spill forth from the tower in an unending torrent. Even at the rate they're being killed, there's no way you'll ever be able to make it across the courtyard if this continues. Rainbow and Applejack are starting to show signs of fatigue and you're getting absolutely nowhere...

You're going to need to do something, but what? You gaze at the tower in the distance. If Purplesmart were here she could just teleport you over, but...

Wait a minute. You pat your jacket pocket. It's still there! You reach in and pull out your Teleportation Gem. Looks like this'll come in handy after all! You try to judge the distance between where you are and the tower, and it looks to be about 2500 feet or so away. Rainbow can clear that distance in the air easily with her speed, but Applejack and Fluttershy would have to fight their way through the wraith army which just isn't possible. If you're gonna teleport over there you'll need to take them with you.

You think back to what that crazy chinese shopkeeper pone told you about the gem. It's got a range of about 2 miles. You can port more than one pony with it, but each additional pony taken halves the effective distance. If your guess is right, it should take you far enough if you bring AJ and Flutters along… if that guy wasn't lying out his ass to make a sale, that is.

Still, it's the best chance you've got. You bring your fingers to your mouth and whistle. The three ponies fall back to you, and you get a glimpse of just how tired they are when they get near. Rainbow and AJ are dripping sweat and panting for breath. And Fluttershy...

“Your wing!” you cry when you see the state she’s in.

The yellow pegasus lifts the tattered wing, many of its feathers missing. “One of them managed to get me. It's not broken, but I-I don't think I can fly...”

Okay, that settles it. You're getting out of this NOW.

“Do you know how to use one of these?” you ask Rainbow as you hold out the gem.

She blinks. “No, what is it? Some kinda spell gem?”

“Yeah, it's a teleportation gem. I want to use it to take us to the tower, but we have to mark our destination first. I need you to take this to the tower entrance and place it on the ground there for 10 seconds. It'll glow when it's ready. After that, bring it back to me. Do you understand?”

Rainbow salutes. “You got it, boss!”

You turn to AJ. “You'll have to defend me and Flutters while she's out there. Think you can handle that, farm girl?”

“It'll be easier than gettin' the family together fer a country cookoff! Yeehaw!” She slams the ground with her front hooves, disrupting the balance of the wraiths charging at you and sending them toppling to the ground. You nod to Rainbow and she rockets into the air with the gem in her mouth. You sit down on the ground next to Fluttershy, completely confident that the golden-maned pony before you will keep you safe from harm.

Fluttershy looks at you curiously. “Um... Anon? If you don't mind me asking, how do you always come up with these ideas? They're... they're usually very clever.”

You lean back and think. How DO you come up with these? It just sort of started being necessary after...

You smile, then start laughing. Fluttershy looks somewhat confused, then completely baffled as you reach over and scratch her ears. “Um... um-um A-Anon?!”

“It's... It's because of you, you little butterball! Every single goddamn day you come by with some kind of trap or scheme that I have to weasel my way out of somehow. I guess it's made me resourceful!”

She looks up at you and matches your smile. “It has. It really has, Anon.” Her ears droop a bit. “I'm... I'm sorry I haven't been more help here,” she sniffles. “I know I'm just a burden to the rest of you...”

“I know you'll be there for us when it counts. Pinkie Pie told me as much.”

You notice her eyes widen at your words, but your conversation is interrupted as Rainbow swoops back down. “Okay, it's ready!” she says with a triumphant grin, the gem held in her teeth shimmering. You take it and thank her, then turn to Applejack.

“Okay, time to switch places. AJ, come back here with me and Fluttershy. Rainbow, you protect us while the magic's working, then meet up with us when we get to the other side. Got it?”

They do as you ask. You take a pegaus in one arm, an earth pony in another, and smash the gem underneath your foot. Ten seconds later the magic activates and the three of you find yourselves at the relatively unguarded entrance to the tower. Rainbow arrives not much later, blasting away more wraiths with her landing. You allow yourself a quick victory fist pump at your success, but your enthusiasm quickly fades as you rush into the tower's interior. It's nothing but a hollow building with a gigantic spiral staircase that snakes around the the walls of the circular structure and leads to a chamber at the very top.

While the entire wraith army hasn't realized where you vanished to yet, more and more of them are becoming aware. There's no door on the tower to barricade and they're already starting to swarm in. There's no way the four of you will make it to the top without being overwhelmed!

“Shit...”

AJ and Rainbow are panting with exhaustion. Their armor is marred by dents and scratches and you can tell the fighting is taking a real toll on them. You're not sure if they'll have anything left by the time you get to Nightmare Moon. While you try to figure out what to do next, the two ponies exchange a glance with one another and seem to come to some sort of silent agreement.

“Run along now, sugarcube. You too, Shy.”

“...What?”

Applejack's voice becomes firm. “Ah said git! We'll hold 'em here while y'all climb!”

“What about you?!” you cry, your own voice rising above the sound of the surrounding chaos.

“Ya don't need ta worry about us!” she yells back. “Just worry about handlin' Nightmare Moon, Anon! Ah know... ah KNOW the two of y'all can stop her...”

If they stay here it's suicide. You know it, and by her tone she knows it too.

“No. We're going together. I'm not putting one foot on those stairs without the two of you with us!”

“ANON, JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT, YA HEAR?!” She charges at you and before you know what's happening she's wrapped you in her hooves and pulled you into a tearful kiss. Fluttershy gasps and Rainbow doesn't look back as she fights to stem the tide of wraiths entering the tower.

Two emerald eyes capture your own. “Ah enjoyed every single moment of you in my life, Anon. Every. Single. Moment. Even when ya turned me away time and time again, ah'd still wake up the next mornin' bright and early ta bake ya somethin', all while yearnin' for the time when ah'd see ya silhouetted by the sunlight as ya came ta work each day. Ah wouldn't trade it fer anythin', so don't you dare question what ah'm doin' now.”

She pulls away and charges past Rainbow, smashing into a group of wraiths and freeing the pegasus up to fly next to you for a brief moment. She wraps her hooves around you and pulls you into a surprisingly gentle kiss.

“I'll never forget our dance, Anon. Never, ever, ever.” A few tears roll down her pretty face. “AJ filled me in. I'm... I'm kinda clueless when it comes to this stuff, you know? When you get Luna back, I want you to make her the happiest mare in the world, you got that? I won't forgive you if you don't…” She places one last kiss on your forehead before she flies back to rejoin Applejack.

You helplessly watch as the two ponies move away from you and out of your life forever.

Fluttershy tugs on your pant leg. “Anon...”

No.

No, you refuse to accept it. You don't care what you have to do. You don't care how fucked up things get, you WON'T ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN!

You wrack your brain for ideas on what to do to convince them to follow you. You trust in them completely. You love them completely. But how can you show it in a way that'll have an impact?!

It comes to you in a flash as you feel Fluttershy pull on you once more. Back in Luna's dream, when Fluttershy and Luna were fighting each other over you... how did it go again? Oh yeah...

“RAINBOW DASH! APPLEJACK!”

Your shout pulls their attention for an instant. And in that moment you...

Neigh.

Snort.

And stomp your foot.

All three ponies freeze. Even the wraiths stop moving. Applejack tries her best to move her jaw to speak.

“A-Anon, d'ya have ANY buckin' clue what yer sayin' ta us here?”

You laugh. “Barely. I sort of know what it means in general. We'll figure out what it means for us when we get back to Equestria.”

The earth pony shakes her head. “Sweet Celestia have mercy. Ah can't believe ah've fallen fer a damn alien monkey in the first place, let alone one as crazy as you. Ah swear...”

Rainbow bursts into a fit of laughter. “But that's one of the reasons I like him so much! He's buckin' hilarious!” AJ joins in with a few giggles of her own.

“Okay, sugarcube. If that's how it's gonna be, ya have my word as the Element of Honesty that we'll be headin' back with ya. And ya'd better believe we're gonna sit down and talk all this out with Luna. All of us. Ah can't guarantee yer safety.”

You return her smile with your own. “I'll take my chances.”

“Take care of him, okay Fluttershy?” Rainbow says, trying to suppress her giggling. “We'll be right behind you, so be sure to save a piece of Nightmare Moon for us!”

The yellow pegasus meekly nods, and with one last shared smile, the four you part ways as you begin your ascent.

~~~~~~~~~

Applejack and Rainbow Dash, two best friends and eternal rivals, continue to tear their way through the endless tide of shadow wraiths as they try to charge into the tower.

Rainbow laughs as she shreds a line of wraiths with her wings. “Can you believe him! I just... Hahaha! He's too much!”

Applejack smashes a wraith apart with her tail. “Well, it ain't exactly common, but it ain't like it's never been done before, 'specially when ya start involvin' the royalty. All things considered, ah can think of worse herdmates ta have than you and Princess Luna.”

Rainbow frowns. “Pinkie Pie?”

Applejack nods. “Pinkie Pie.”

Both sigh with relief. Rainbow flips forward and lands a kick on a line of wraiths, obliterating them. “Yeah, we dodged a cannonball on that one I guess.”

“Eeyup,” the earth pony replies as she spins and bucks another line. “Say... ya want ta make this interestin'?”

“How so?”

“We start keepin' count. Whoever has the most kills when this is all over gets first dibs on 'em durin' the celebration.”

Rainbow smirks. “You are so on! Hey... w-what the?!”

The ruby within her pendant begins to glow with a red, hazy light, and in a blinding flash and the speedy pegasus finds her hooves and wings consumed by a deep red fire.

She decides to do the appropriate thing and run around in circles screaming.

“I'm on fire I'm on fire I'm on fire I'm on fire I'm— hey... it doesn't hurt?” She stops and examines her burning wings and hooves. Sure enough, the fire doesn't seem to be causing any harm. “Huh.”

Applejack raises an eyebrow. “Ya alright over there?”

“Yeah, yeah... um...” A sudden realization creeps into her mind. “Heh heh. This is gonna be sweet.” She takes to the air, a blazing trail of fire in her wake, and flies straight through a large portion of wraiths. They howl in agony as the flames begin to burn them down to nothing. Wraiths that survive long enough to flail around end up bumping into their comrades, spreading the fire around. Rainbow pauses in the air, still ignited, and starts to laugh.

“Bwaaaahahaha! Looks like I'm gonna win this one for sure, AJ! The guys that set each other on fire still count as mine!”

“That ain't fair!” the farmpony cries, stomping her hooves in frustration as her sapphire pendant shines. “How come mine doesn't do anythin' like— w-what the hay?!”

Both ponies watch in awe as a nearby comet is pulled from its path through the heavens and redirected to the wraith-filled courtyard. The large ball of ice descends upon the battlefield where it explodes on impact, smashing or freezing solid most of the wraiths not already burning to death.

“Uh... h-how many d'ya reckon that was?” Applejack manages to stammer.

Rainbow's shocked expression is the only reply she can muster.

~~~~~~~~~

You can hear and feel the force of a gigantic impact outside, but choose to ignore it and press on as you and Fluttershy climb the tower's spiral staircase as fast as you can. A strange sinking sensation surges through the back of your mind as you reach the landing which marks the halfway point of your ascent, and the two of you stop to catch your breath for a moment.

“Damn... should've saved that gem for this part... fuckin' stairs... you okay, Flutters?”

The little pegasus has her back to you so you can't see her face, but her breathing seems normal at least.

“I've had enough,” you barely hear her mutter over the sound of the battle outside.

“Huh..?”

“I've had enough of your games, Anon,” she repeats. “I'm sick of you ignoring me. I'm sick of you brushing my feelings aside. Even now all you can think about are Applejack and Rainbow Dash...” The trots up to you, a cold look in her eyes. “You'll go back with them... and with Luna... and you'll leave me to wither and die all alone with my animals, won't you, Anon? You'll force me, every single day, to see what I want so badly but can never have...”

“Fluttershy, what's... what's gotten into you? Now isn't the time—”

A hoof flashes forward and smacks you on the face, hard. “Oh yes it is, mister. I've had enough. And if you won't give me what I want after everything I've done for you, I'll just take it. Right here, right now.”

She sits on your chest. You try to push her away but the strength granted by her armor easily overpowers you. Fuck, what the hell, is this really happening?!

You feel a hoof pull down your fly and a nose nudge at your boxers. “Trust me, you'll love this. You'll forget all about them...” she whispers as she slowly trails her tongue across the fabric.

You cringe at the sensation. What’s wrong with her? She's always been a little forceful about this stuff, but she also knew when enough was enough. Hell, some days she'd throw HERSELF in the river outside your house after a failed attempt instead of you having to toss her in there.

This isn’t right… something about this just isn’t right!

No matter what happens. No matter how bad it gets…

Pinkie Pie’s voice finds its way into your thoughts, and you recall the memory of your conversation with her just before you left. Things may look bad now, but the pink pony seemed absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt sincere. You could tell she was speaking from the heart, and you believed every word she said…

So right here, right now, you're gonna bet it all on that belief.

“W-Wait...” you gasp. “Don't you want to know my fetish? It'll be a lot better for both of us if you know what it is...”

Fluttershy turns to face you, an evil glimmer in her eyes. “Oh? You're finally ready to tell me? Fine, mister, what is it?”

“It's... mares seductively sucking on fruit popsicles.”

She raises an eyebrow. “That's it? That's your fetish? That's kind of stupid... how was I supposed to guess something like that anyway?” She puts on a sultry smile. “Sorry, Anon, I don't have any fruit popsicles with me right now, but I can think of something else to suck—”

The rest of her sentence is cut off as your hands close around her neck and apply pressure.

“A-A-non...?”

“Nice try bitch, but Fluttershy never forgets a fetish she's already guessed. Ever.”

The little pony's eyes bulge a bit before rolling back in their sockets as you continue to strangle her. Eventually your hands meet and you're suddenly holding nothing at all as Fluttershy's body vanishes and a dark mist wisps away from the edges of your vision...

You find yourself staring at the ceiling of the tower. You quickly sit up and discover Fluttershy a little further away from you on the landing, eyes closed and whimpering as she dreams.

“Nightmare Moon...” you whisper through clenched teeth, the anger from what just happened washing over you like a wave as you hear the Evil Horse's laughter echo throughout the tower.

”Hmhmhmhm… How unexpected that you recognized my trap. You're perceptive for a mere ape, aren't you? Though I suppose it doesn't matter if you saw through the nightmare or not... little Fluttershy won't be strong enough to escape...”

You quickly scramble over to check if she's alright. Aside from the discomfort she's feeling, her body seems fine, but when you shake her to wake her up she doesn't respond.

”Oh, no no no no~ I'm afraid that won't work, little monkey. Nothing will wake her short of overcoming her nightmare, but as I said before it's impossible for a weakling like her. Why, if you think about it, I'm doing you a favor! She'd just get in the way... you're better off leaving her there and continuing on your own.”

You pick the little pegasus up and cradle her in your arms.

“You're more insane than I figured if you think that's gonna happen.”

”Yes, continue to struggle! It delights me so. For such an odd creature you are most amusing... I look forward to seeing you face to face once more...”

Her laughter fades away, only to be replaced by Fluttershy's cries and whimpers as she trembles in your arms. You can see dried tears around her eyes... if only there was some way to help her...

“C'mon, Fluttershy... whatever she's putting you through, I know you can beat it...”

You touch your forehead to hers in a comforting gesture and suddenly feel the strange sinking sensation in your head again.

The world goes black.

~~~~~~~~~

You're standing on the edge of the Everfree forest near sunset. The shadows of the forest seem to cover almost everything, and the chill wind sends tremors through your body. You should go home, Anon…

But then come the distant cries, so familiar, and without a second thought you dive into the forest, seeking the source of the sound.

What awaits you in a nearby clearing is a little butter yellow pegasus laying on her side, a gash from some kind of clawed creature underneath her wing bleeding out as she wails in pain.

You’ve seen this before. You’ve been here before. This isn't a dream at all, this is a memory… this is when you first met Fluttershy!

Her eyes meet yours as you step into the clearing, and you can see the fear and uncertainty behind them. She’s scared to death of you, too frightened now to even make a sound.

You decide to precisely follow the memory of the actions you took that day. Find her discarded first aid kit nearby. Speak to her with a calming voice as you dress the wounds. Gently lift her and carry her back to the town.

She trembles at your touch, but as you take each step to help her, you can feel her fear begin to fade. You exit the forest, gently cradling her in your arms, and she stares at you in wonder, until…

“Anon... Anon, Anon, Anon, Anon, Anon~!”

She clutches you with all her strength as she cries with joy. You blink as you hold her close and...

~~~~~~~~~

...The tower reappears around you, and her two pretty cyan eyes lock with your own as she blinks a few tears away.

“Welcome back,” you say with a smile.

“You... you came for me. I knew you would, Anon. I just knew.”

“Do you think you can walk?”

She wiggles her hooves a bit. “Um... I... I don't know...”

“It's okay.”

You resume your ascent of the tower carrying Fluttershy. As a pegasus she hardly weighs anything anyway, so it's not that big of a deal. And it's weird, but she's always very docile and calm when she's in your arms like this, so you don't really mind it.

Her eyes dart back and forth a few times and she fidgets like she's trying to decide whether to say something or not. You continue to climb the tower with her, and after a few moments and several deep breaths, she finds her voice.

“I... um... I’ve been dreaming about that day a lot. I was tending to an injured bear... and I'm not sure why, but something scared him... and he slashed me and ran off. I couldn't move... I couldn't reach my supplies... I couldn't call for help. I thought I was going to die there all alone.”

You begin to scratch her back reassuringly as she speaks. “But then you came, Anon. I'd seen you before, on the farm sometimes, and I was curious about you... but you were so scary I just couldn't say anything. But even though you had never met me before, you treated my wounds, you cared for me... and even though you were so big and scary, you were gentle too.”

She closes her eyes and smiles as a few more tears fall. “I... felt so warm and safe in your arms that day. So overwhelmed that another creature could care so much about me. That... that was the day I fell in love with you, Anon.”

She sniffles and sighs. “I-I know you think I'm weird and annoying. I think that about myself too. I wanted so badly to make you feel as happy and loved as you made me feel that day, so I tried to think of what I could do for you. But the truth is... I'm... I'm useless. I don't have any real talents that can help ponies. I'm a weak flyer, I'm scared of my own shadow, I smell like animals all the time because of my work... it's why aside from my friends, nopony really wants anything to do with me...”

“Fluttershy...”

“B-But,” she continues, “but... there was a time... a time when I was considered a supermodel. A time when ponies liked me for my body. I was wanted... and I thought... I thought maybe if I could give you my body... the one thing that other ponies might want... if I could give it to you, maybe you'd be happy. I knew it was too much to ask you to love me back... but I thought maybe, maybe if I found the right fetish, or the right words... maybe you'd let me share my love with you.”

She turns away to look down over your arm to the bottom of the tower where Rainbow and Applejack are still fighting.

“I realized a while ago that I was just being selfish... trying to force a gift on you that you didn't want. I've come to terms with my feelings. I know no matter what fetish I guess, you'll always say no. But I do it anyway because being near you makes me happy. Seeing your smile makes me happy. Being held like this makes me so, so happy I don't know what to do. And I think... if you're willing to admit it, mister... that sometimes... just sometimes... my guesses make you happy too.” She reaches forward and taps you on the nose with a hoof.

You're floored. You're absolutely floored by all this. All this time, all the harassment, and you never considered why. You never asked... she never told you... you shake your head and laugh. What the hell, Fluttershy! If she keeps talking like this she might actually worm her way into your heart!

“...I guess I'd be lying if I said they didn't,” you reply as you pet her smooth pink mane.

She giggles. “I've wanted to tell you all this for a long time. Pinkie's been encouraging me to say something, but I just never could. I didn't want to get in the way of you and Luna, or your feelings for Applejack or Rainbow Dash either. No matter where it all leads, I'm... I'm glad you got to express how much you care about them by inviting them into your herd. Even though I know you didn't mean it when you invited me during Luna's dream, it was still the happiest day of my life...”

She's goddamn fucking adorable when she's like this. The look she has on her face... it just melts your heart. And it also causes you to say something extremely retarded.

“I don't recall ever uninviting you.”

She bops you in the chest with a hoof. “Don't be mean.”

“I'm serious,” you say, chucking at her antics. “I have no idea what any of this stuff entails, but you’ve made me realize that I like having you as a part of my life, Fluttershy. Sure you're annoying sometimes, but... shit, I dunno. I guess we'll figure it out with Luna when we get back. I'm sure she'll know what to do, and she seems to like you already.”

Fluttershy trembles and lets out a gigantic squee. She hops out of your arms and begins to trot alongside you as you finally reach the end of this goddamn endless staircase.

“So, um... since... since we're on such good terms now... um... do you think maybe you could... tellmeyourfetish?”

You can’t help but laugh. That's your Fluttershy all right. To hell with the consequences...

“It's asses. I guess at this point in my life it's horse asses in particular.”

Her eyes widen. “Oh... I... I can't believe I never guessed that one before. In hindsight it seems so obvious.”

“Yeah, I can't believe it either.”

A short silence lingers before she speaks up again.

“Anon?”

“Hmm?”

“I have a horse ass.”

“I know.”

“Would you like to see it?”

“Not until we finish saving the world, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, okay.”

Yep, she gets the smile she wanted out of you from your conversation and you can see it makes her happy.

...Fucking Fluttershy.

Together, the two of you cautiously step through the door at the top of the stairs and you find yourselves on the roof of the grand spire. Nightmare Moon is resting here, surrounded by a black vortex of magic that seems to pull in all the light around it. Slowly, she opens her eyes to regard you and Fluttershy with utter disdain.

“My hounds... my wraiths... my nightmare prison spell... you've overcome them all. How sickeningly persistent of you... but admirable nonetheless. Few go to such lengths to be personally executed by their Queen.”

She stands and the black vortex around her fades, allowing her starry mane and tail expand and billow in the nonexistent lunar wind. “So, here you are. You have my attention. If you have any words for me I will hear them before I eviscerate you both. Understand that I was merely toying with you before... this time you will not survive.”

Fluttershy stands as tall as she can while shaking like a leaf, and you try to do the same though you don't fare much better.

Come to think of it, with all the bullshit you went through to actually get to her, you never really came up with a plan to deal with Nightmare Moon. Or more specifically what little you did plan out involved both AJ and Rainbow who're currently absent.

You finger the flashlight in your pocket. This is your ace in the hole... she won't be expecting it. You quickly throw together Operation: Don't Fucking Die in your head. Okay... let's see what happens. You draw your Slugger from your back and stretch your arms.

“This is your last chance, 'Queen'. Abdicate or be overthrown.” You give the bat a few warm-up swings to get the blood flowing.

“How appropriate... a monkey foolishly waving a stick around at a goddess. Your ignorance can be forgiven since you're just a beast. But what about you, little Fluttershy... surely you know better?”

Fluttershy puts a hoof forward. “Y-Y-You should be ashamed of yourself, missy! Hurting the Princesses and trying to take over the world! You're just a spoiled brat with too much magic!”

Nightmare Moon scowls. “Is that so? You say I should be ashamed when you were the ones who mere moments ago left your friends to die at the hooves of my wraith army? You are in no position to judge me. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I hereby find you guilty of treason against the throne and shall now carry out your punishment as I see fit.”

Her horn begins to glow. Okay, phase 1 of the plan: you pull out your flashlight, aim it straight at Nightmare Moon's face and flick it on. It works just as advertised and the searing sunlight causes the dark alicorn to recoil in absolute pain.

“ARRRRGH! THE SUN?! BUT HOW?!”

You quickly turn the light off again. One second of your three total seconds of battery life is depleted. You have two more shots.

Now for phase 2: you run up to the staggered alicorn and prepare to go for a grand slam...

Yeah, that doesn't go as planned at all. A defensive beat of her massive wings blasts you backwards and rips the bat straight from your grasp. It goes sailing over the edge of the tower to who knows where...

But on the bright side, it seems like the sunlight disables her magic for a time, because once she recovers she grabs you with her mane once more and slams you to the stone floor. Damn, that hurts...

“I won't fall for the same trick twice, ape. But that was very clever of you... a creature without magic that holds a device with the power of the sun. I'm not surprised... while you were under the influence of my nightmare I glimpsed some of your thoughts. The world you come from is... wondrous. I'd very much like to see more. Maybe I'll keep you as a plaything just like little Luna did...”

”THAT'S ENOUGH!”

Fluttershy's scream rips through the air like a shockwave. Nightmare Moon releases you and turns to regard the pegasus, who's now sporting an angry expression that could outright kill a lesser creature.

“You. Do. Not. Touch. Him. Do you understand?”

The alicorn laughs. “What is this parlor trick... some kind of psychological attack? Are you really so naive as to believe something like that would work on mMMMMMMRRRGGHHHHHHHH!!!!”

What. The. Fuck.

Fluttershy's staring down the evil queen and the onyx gem of her pendant is shining brightly. The very air around Nightmare Moon shifts and wavers. She's forced to her knees and her mane and tail flatten as if an enormous weight has suddenly been piled on her back. Her expression is one of absolute shock and pain.

“G-G-Gravity M-Mani-pulatio-n... h-h-owwww?!”

Yeah, you're definitely gonna integrate this development into your master plan...

~~~~~~~~~

Twilight Sparkle's eyes snap open in an instant.

“That's it! Her hold's been broken! Everypony, begin channeling following my lead!”

Countless unicorn horns shine throughout the royal gardens at her command.

And slowly, ever so slowly, the moon begins to turn.

~~~~~~~~~

“F-F-ut-ile...”

The alicorn's horn begins to glow and in a flash of magic she's freed. Fluttershy stumbles back from the blast and before she can recover she's coated in a blue aura and slammed to the ground, lifted up, and slammed again. She coughs and a few droplets of blood stain the stone.

“Two can play at that game, you little wretch. It took me a while to recognize it, but that's ancient armor from the order of Lunar Knights. Those who wore it were in love with little Luna, and through that love they drew their power. Though it appears your love for her is weak... and I find it odd that she's switched her interests from stallions to mares. Perhaps you're not the intended bearer...? Well, I suppose it doesn't matter now...”

She moves to smash Fluttershy into the ground again but a sunlight beam to the face stops her, causing her to stumble around, blinded and without magic. Only one shot left.

“CURSE YOU, AAAAPPPPEEEE!!”

“You okay, Flutters?” you ask as you rush over to help her to her hooves.

She coughs again and a few more drops of blood appear. “I... I can still fight. I can still protect you, Anon...” She's shaking.

Fuck... this is bad. You hope to god Twilight's started moving the moon because it doesn't look like you'll survive much longer.

Nightmare Moon shakes her head, her breathing ragged. “That... is becoming... VERY annoying...”

She moves to grab you with her mane again at a speed that's absolutely unreal. There's no way you could dodge it even if you knew it was coming.

But then a huge fireball slams into Evil Moon Horse's side. She screams in pain at the burning sensation and leaps away to channel her magic to put out the flames. You hear the clopping of some hooves landing behind you and turn to find...

“Howdy.”

“'Sup?”

“AJ! Rainbow!”

You scoop Applejack into a bear hug and almost do the same to Rainbow before you notice she's on fire.

“Hey, did you know you're...?”

She gives you a deadpan stare. “I know, Anon.”

“Okay, just asking.”

Nightmare Moon gapes. “You... you should be dead. They left the two of you alone to stand against an army of 3,000 wraiths!”

Applejack flashes her best prideful grin. “Well, ah reckon ya should'a sent 3,001!”

“That was corny as hay, AJ!” Rainbow snickers.

“What?! C'mon, that was good one! Anon, Shy, lend me hoof here!”

“It was, uh... creative?” you offer.

Fluttershy cowers in her mane a bit. “Yes, it was... nice.”

The farmpony rolls her eyes. “Y'all wouldn't know a good one liner if it bit ya on the backside.”

Rainbow laughs. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's wrap this up already so we can go home.”

“Yes, if you're done chatting like a bunch of foals perhaps we can get down to business,” Nightmare Moon fumes. “After all, as a brilliant egomaniacal goddess with unlimited power I DO so love being ignored!”

Her horn shines again and the three ponies collapse. You can clearly see the blazing light on their chests through their armor... this is the ember spell again! Without hesitation you draw your flashlight and fire, and though Nightmare Moon attempts to block the beam with one of her wings the sunlight shreds right through it before hitting her directly in the face and again disrupting her magic.

The ponies recover as the light's battery goes dead, completely exhausted, just like Twilight said it would.

“I... HAVE... HAD... ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!”

You turn to the three ponies by your side. “Uh... guys, if you're gonna do something you'd better do it now. That was my last shot.”

Applejack nods to Rainbow, who takes to the air in a blazing ball of fire. The earth pony's pendant shines as she slams her hooves into the ground. Rainbow flies in a circle around Nightmare Moon, creating a tight wall of magical flames around her that she finds she can't extinguish by merely beating her wings. Fluttershy catches on and begins to focus her stare again, bringing down immense gravitational pressure upon the dark alicorn.

“Currrrsseee youuu…” Nightmare Moon screams in anguish. “W-When... my m-magic returns... I-I-I... willlllll—”

The massive comet that smashes down on top of her and nearly rips that back half of the tower's structure apart prematurely ends her threating speech.

You kneel down and clutch onto whatever you can as the tower violently shakes, and for a moment you fear that the entire thing’s going to tumble down around you. When it's all over, a huge ice fragment clings to the far end of the tower where the alicorn once stood. The structure itself seems to sag under the weight of the comet's remains as large chunks of both ice and stone fall away to the devastated courtyard below.

“Uh... did we just win?” Dash asks as she scratches her mane.

You peer at the wreckage for any signs of life but find none. “Well, I don't want to jinx it but...”

A rumbling from the ice shuts you up.

Applejack sighs. “Ya just had ta say it, didn't ya?”

“Sorry.”

The ice sheet explodes and an extremely pissed off dark alicorn hovers in its place. Lightning arcs from her horn as evil laughter begins to fill the air.

“I'll give you points for style, persistence, creativity and teamwork. Not even Luna put up this good of a fight against me. I have to say, falling back on the old Black Hole, Comet and Meteor armors after the Elements were rendered ineffective was a nice touch. I didn't expect ponies of the modern era to know anything about them, much less how to utilize their power...”

She takes slow, measured steps toward you, not because she has anything to fear, but merely to savor the experience. “And then the ape with his light beam. Very clever. VERY CLEVER. Ponykind is to be commended for assembling such a competent resistance. But in the end, as expected, it was all for NOTHING!”

Her horn ignites and flashes as a spell is cast, and one by one the ponies around you fall asleep. Their armor shines and disappears, leaving only the original pendants behind, and Nightmare Moon gazes upon them almost lovingly.

“I realize now that killing these three would be a waste. Their power, their resolve... as Nightmares they would be unstoppable as my vanguard. In fact, I believe the little earth pony got a glimpse of that power once before...”

She turns back to you. “And you, ape... though you have no ember and thus cannot fall to the Nightmare, I have a use for you as well.” She licks her lips. “I'm certain the secrets of your world that I pry from your dreams will grant me most wondrous power...”

The dark alicorn trots up and rubs her body against yours, her mane wrapping around you in a sickening embrace. You feel her breath as she whispers into your ear, “Tell me, ape, how is little Luna doing? Have the doctors discovered why she won't wake up yet?”

She licks her fangs before speaking into your ear again. “I cursed her with unending nightmares, you see... a much stronger version of the spell that ensnared you and the little pegasus earlier. She will never awaken...”

Smiling, she moves away to gaze across the vast moon palace. “As for the accursed Sun... though I can't touch it myself, soon I'll have the power to move the moon in front of it, creating a permanent eclipse and allowing my glorious return to Equestria. I'm sure my precious subjects are just beside themselves with worry over their Queen's wellbeing~”

“Don't count on it,” you growl, your hatred for her clouding your ability to think.

“Is that a hint of defiance I hear?” Nightmare Moon coos. “No, it couldn't be... for to be defiant indicates that you either still have hope or are monumentally stupid. So, tell me, which is it?”

A giggle. “'Tis a little of column A, a little of column B!”

No way.

NO. WAY.

You know that voice. Or should you say voices, because it sounds like they're both speaking in tandem.

“Luna? Fluttershy?”

You turn to find Fluttershy standing on her hooves again and wreathed with power. She stands taller, her mane and tail waft through the air like pink perfume, and a phantom horn blazes on her forehead.

Wait... you've seen this before, back when the meteor was about to destroy Ponyville!

“Greetings, fair Anonymous!” Lunashy says with a smile. “Please do not be offended by our comment; we were merely joking! We know that it is hope that drives you, along with loyalty and devotion to those you love, as it should be. This is something that Nightmare Moon, despite all the power she possesses, shall never understand.”

Speaking of Nightmare Moon, she seems oddly calm at the sight of the newly awakened alicorn. “Hmhmhm... dreamwalking within your own nightmare, then possession of a sleeping acolyte. Very clever, Luna. I suppose I didn't give you enough credit. Perhaps I should've gone through the trouble of killing you after all... I'll be sure to fix that mistake upon my return. But tell me, why have you come to visit? You can't hope to defeat me in that weak little body... did you miss your pet monkey?”

She nods. “Indeed, our heart did pine for Anonymous, but that is not why we are here. We came to speak with you.”

“A conversation?” Nightmare Moon raises an eyebrow. “Forgive me if I don't have any tea ready, but I wasn't really expecting this.” She sits down and curls her legs underneath her. “Well, what is it?”

A sad expression crosses Lunashy's face. “We have come to say farewell, Nightmare.”

“Ah, so you finally admit to your own imminent demise!” Nightmare Moon laughs. “Truly, I have underestimated you, Luna! You've grown!”

“Indeed we have. We learned many lessons from you, both good and bad. We crafted spells... we forged the Dream School together from nothing... we wallowed in our despair and loneliness and learned what a life devoid of love was like. We fell to the greatest depths together, and then eventually climbed back out, scarred but stronger. We could never be the pony we are today without you. Despite all that has happened, despite all the grief and loss... aside from Sister, we still count thee as our first true friend and first false friend as well...”

Nightmare Moon frowns. “Are you just here to reminisce about the past? I don't understand what you're saying... make sense, you fool!”

“We told no one of the Grimoire's nature, Nightmare,” Lunashy continues. “Not Sister, not the Elements... for we knew that were she aware, Sister would have her scholars study the book and attempt to rejoin us via ritual and magic instead of in the way we felt would be proper. She would never risk the Kingdom as we have done with all this. But we dearly wanted to show you, before the end... show you that the lessons you taught, both directly and indirectly, were well learned, though perhaps not in the way that you intended them to be.”

“Ah, so THAT explains it... the one thing I couldn't figure out. Instead of just destroying the book and forcing us back together you kept it around because you missed me! I'm honored, little Luna. But look at what you've wrought! You've delivered all of Equestria into my hooves, cast it all away as if it were nothing, all for your own selfish desires! It appears you and I are much more similar than you realize!”

Lunashy shakes her head and trots over to the edge of the tower. She gazes out across the horizon as if searching for something.

“You are wrong, and it is sad that you will never understand why. We did not cast away the Kingdom for the sake of our own desires... we cast our desires away for the sake of the Kingdom.”

Her eyes meet yours and you can feel the sadness behind them.

Nightmare Moon grunts. “Are you done? I grow tired of this.” She stands on her hooves again and trots over to the yellow alicorn. “Abandon that body and return to your slumber or else I'll have to force you out.”

Lunashy sighs one final time. “Yes, it is over, Nightmare. Behold: the sun rises.”

From the top of the tower you can see a thin line of light cross the horizon and expand further and further as the darkness is pushed away. Nightmare Moon does not cry out or try to flee when sees it. Instead, she closes her eyes and lets out a low chuckle.

“So, I was defeated the moment you arrived here. You've learned well. Perhaps you're not so little any more, Luna.”

“To live is to learn. Each day brings the opportunity for a new lesson that allows us to grow, even if we don't recognize it at the time. Even immortals such as us must never forget that.”

Nightmare Moon smiles as her body begins to disintegrate in the dawn's light. “Indeed. Goodbye, Luna.”

“Farewell.”

And with that, the Nightmare finally ends.

Lunashy lays down and drops her head and the enchantments around her fade until she's just Fluttershy again, and one by one, you hear the little ponies groan as they wake up.

“Ugh... man, what the hay happened?” Rainbow asks as she rubs her head with a hoof.

“Ah don't rightly know. One minute we were fightin' and then...”

“It's over,” you say with a smile, and their eyes widen at the sound of your voice.

“Anon!” Applejack and Rainbow cry as they run over to you. Thankfully the constant fire around the cyan pegasus pony went out when she fell alseep so you're not burned to death by her hug. You turn to Fluttershy who's awake and standing off to the side and beckon her over to join in on the hug as well.

“I'm so glad you're all okay...” you tell them from the bottom of your heart as you hold them close.

Rainbow laughs, wiggling a bit in your embrace. “Come on, we're glad you're okay, Anon!”

“So ah see the sun's up... ah guess that means we won?” Applejack asks as she glances around.

Fluttershy smiles. “Twilight came through for us... just like she promised.”

Rainbow thrashes her tail with worry. “Speaking of Twilight... have any of you wondered how we're gonna get home?”

“Perhaps we can be of assistance!”

The four of you scream and recoil in terror. Before you, bathed in the light of the sun, stands Nightmare Moon!

You hold your little ponies close as you eye the monster. “How... how are you still here?!”

Nightmare Moon tilts her head curiously. “Why wouldn't we be? We are here to...” She looks down at her hooves and then brings a wing in front of her face to examine it. “Oh. Oh dear. Please forgive us... perhaps we should take a form more familiar to you.”

Her horn shines and with a wave of magic her form shrinks and her coat lightens until she's once again the familiar looking Luna you've always known. She takes a step toward you, but even with the change in her appearance you and the ponies hold each other tighter in fear.

The Moon Princess' smile fades slightly. “Come now... it is really us. What must we do to prove it?”

You gently pat Applejack and Rainbow Dash's backs as Fluttershy shivers between them and clings to your chest. You gaze into Luna's eyes to find sincerity but also trepidation and remorse there. You steady your breathing and force yourself to speak.

“Luna, I want some answers. I want you to tell me everything about what happened here.”

The princess seats herself and looks at you and each of the ponies in turn. “Yes, you deserve to know. You all do.”

One by one the ponies pull away from you, but they still stick close by. Fluttershy rests on your lap and AJ and Rainbow guard each side of you.

“Nightmare Moon was what we found when delving into the depths of our own dreams, back when the school of Dream Magic was just a series of notes in our personal diary. She was a part of us and represented the full breadth of the power we would achieve when we matured... much like the full power you've observed Sister, herself a matured alicorn, command. By bringing her out from our subconscious we gained access this power far sooner than we were prepared for, and the terror of Nightmare Moon began. But make no mistake... Nightmare Moon and Luna are the same pony. She is always what we were going to become...” She giggles. “...Though hopefully without the evil designs for world domination and whatnot.”

Luna gazes at the ponies surrounding you. “When the Elements of Harmony purged us, Nightmare Moon was torn from us and banished, but she was also, by her nature, a fragment of ourself and our power... an integral piece of who we are. The Elements left us incomplete and the rift that divided Nightmare Moon and Luna unhealed. Due to the nature of the spell that drew Nightmare Moon from our subconscious in the first place, she became sealed within the Grimoire – the book Twilight Sparkle found that almost resulted in a wayward meteor landing on Ponyville – where she would remain trapped unless she were able to draw sufficient power from an outside source.”

“We never told Sister any of this. She always assumed we would grow to maturity as is normal for our kind, but this would never happen as long as Nightmare Moon remained within the Grimoire. Had she known, Sister would have tried to safely use the Elements or some other type of magic to forcibly heal the rift between us and make us whole again... but that is not how we wanted to go about it.” She casts her eyes downward. “It was part foolish pride and part a desire for penance, but we always intended to release Nightmare Moon from the book when we deemed ourself ready, confront her, and overcome her, which would have the same result of unification. To us, she was a representation of all the past mistakes that we wanted to prove to ourself we could rise above. We did not feel we were ready, so we planned to wait for several hundred more years before attempting it...”

“But then Twilight found the book, right?” you ask.

She chuckles. “Yes. Both we and Sister believed that the book was safely stored in the Canterlot archives, but we were mistaken and did not verify it. Instead, she had hidden the book away in the Ponyville library where her curious student found it and the rest is history. Nightmare Moon was released and we confronted her alone as we had always intended, but she defeated us. As we suspected, we were not ready to face her.”

Applejack narrows her eyes. “Wait, yer tellin' us that ya KNEW an unstoppable monster was gonna be released, and ya weren't sure ya could beat it, and ya STILL didn't tell anypony, not even Princess Celestia about it?! What... what the hay is wrong with you?!”

Fluttershy gasps. “Applejack! Th-That's the Princess you're talking to...”

Luna shakes her head. “No, she is right to be angry. However there is another piece to the story. Our success was in doubt, that much is true, but as far as whether Nightmare Moon would be overcome and the world saved? That was never in question.”

Her eyes meet each of your own as a serene smile graces her lips. And in that moment, it all makes sense.

At every opportunity, Luna would nudge you toward these three.

She would find excuses for them to interact with you.

She encouraged Fluttershy's antics.

She gave them armor that drew strength from their love for you.

As the Nightmares appeared, she gradually stopped assisting in their removal, instead pushing the ponies to grow stronger.

Your body begins shaking. “Tell me... tell me this. When I spun that bottle and it landed on Rainbow Dash during the party, was that just random chance?”

Luna stares at you with an unreadable expression. “It was not.”

“You...”

You can't believe it...

“You... you used us. You played us all like pawns the whole time. You brought us together, you manipulated us... just to clean up YOUR OWN FUCKING MESS, LUNA!”

You stand and march toward the alicorn and look her dead in the eyes.

“What was I to you?! Anything? Did it ever even matter? Did you ever even love me? Were all those dreams we had together, all those words we shared... was it all just a big fucking lie?!”

She turns from you and walks away.

“We cannot ask for your forgiveness. We have no right, Anonymous. But you must understand... it had to be done. The alternative would be much, much worse than this.”

“BULLSHIT! You said yourself you could've stopped it at any time, but you chose to keep going because of your own fucking selfish delusions! Stay...” Tears begin to stream down your face as the words become harder to say. “Stay... Stay out of my life. Stay out of my dreams. You think Nightmare Moon was a monster?! Look in the damn mirror!”

A hoof reaches out and slaps you across the face with such force that it causes you to stumble back. You turn your head back forward to find...

“F-Fluttershy...?”

“I can't believe you're such an idiot!” she screams. “How could you possibly say that to her?!”

“H-How can you defend her?” you yell back, holding your throbbing cheek. “You were manipulated just like I was just so she could have a fucking therapy session with her split personality!”

She slaps you again. GodDAMN that stings.

“Think, Anon! THINK! Think back to when it all started!”

“What...?”

You pour through your memories of your time with Luna. From the moment she first came into your life... from the moment the dreams first began...

Wait... it doesn't make sense...

You step past Fluttershy to confront Luna, who now stands near the edge of the tower, and the other ponies follow. Your breathing is ragged, your heart is pounding, and your mind is racing in light of your realization that...

“You... started all this even before the book was found. You started pushing all of us together before you even had a clue Nightmare Moon would be let loose. I... I don't understand, Luna. Why?”

She turns to face you and her smile is so gentle... so genuine... so real it almost brings tears to your eyes.

“We are the Princess of the Night and Dreams, fair Anonymous. We told you before that no dream within the borders of Equestria escapes us.”

She looks at Rainbow Dash. “Not even a dream of a dance that could never be asked for.”

She looks at Applejack. “Not even a dream of a true love requited.”

She looks at Fluttershy. “Not even a dream of a beloved savior one day accepting their gift with grace.”

She looks at you. “Not even the fleeting dreams and visions of lives that might have been... or what could one day be.”

The ponies are all crying now, their tears falling to the dusty ground along with your own.

“Anonymous, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash... the greatest lesson we learned from Nightmare Moon's mistakes was that a life lived without love is a sad, empty existence. We don't expect you to forgive us for our meddling. We won't force you to continue down the path we've set you on. But please, no matter what happens... just remember that the love that has developed between you is real. It is no spell, it is no trick... had there been nothing there to start with, none of this would be possible. Please, treasure it.”

With a wistful smile, she turns away from you once more. “We... we suppose we should return all of you to Equestria. The others will be anxious to welcome their heroes home.”

“Wait.” You place a hand on Luna's withers and she jumps at the touch. “When you were talking to Nightmare Moon, you said you gave up your desires for the Kingdom. What did you mean?”

She laughs and blinks a few tears away. “I-Isn't it obvious? We knew from the start when the truth came out you would hate us. But it was necessary that this be done to save Equestria...”

You pull Luna into a big hug and her wings fan out in surprise. “I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for what I said. I don't hate you... far from it, Luna. I don't know what I'd do without you, or without any of the others.”

Applejack grins. “Yer pretty slippery, Princess... ah guess we'll have ta keep a closer eye out for yer schemin' from now on, but... ah'm so, so grateful for what you've done fer us, I don't know what ta say.”

Rainbow Dash laughs. “MMMMaybe I'll forgive you if you agree to another card game with all of us together. That was a blast!”

Instead of speaking, Fluttershy simply flies up and places a kiss on Luna's cheek.

As the five of you walk back to the center of the tower so that Luna can prepare her return spell, you run a hand through her starry mane, scratch behind her ears and ask:

“Now, can you explain to me what this herd business is all about...?”

~~~~~~~~~

Pinkie's ‘Congratulations on Sending Black Snooty Packing!’ party is in full swing before 7pm, just like she wanted. Ponyville is jam packed with ponies from all over, including the recently freed Celestia, who quickly corrected the sun's position upon her return.

You find time to mingle with all your friends, but three little ponies in particular stick especially close to you. You sneak an ear or back scratch on one of them whenever you can, and they love it.

As the festivities wind on, you take time to approach Luna at the platform where she's sitting beside her sister.

“Enjoying the party so far?”

She beams. “Indeed we are, fair Anonymous! Though, there is a concern in the back of our mind that we are forgetting something important, though we haven't any idea what it could be...”

You lean forward and kiss her on the cheek. “It's probably nothing. This is a party, so just relax and have fun!”

“Yes, you are right,” she replies with a smile that warms your heart.

Celestia leans over and nudges Luna. “Lulu, it's time. I think our ponies are anxious to see the night again after this whole fiasco, wouldn't you agree?”

“Indeed!” Luna cheers. She stands along with her sister and together the two transition day to night.

As the moon rises, a collective gasp echoes through the crowd. Drinks are spilled. Monocles are popped. Mares and stallions alike faint.

You glance up at the sky and quickly stifle a laugh. There, written on the moon's surface and easily legible, is the result of Luna's old prank:

~ C E L E S T I A ' S A C U N T ~

Right... Twilight spun the moon around so the palace is on this side now. You take another sip of your cider.

“LLLLLLUUUUUUNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA~~~~~~!!!!!!”

In a flash, you're grabbed by Luna's magic and placed upon her back as she gallops off. An orange earth pony runs alongside her and two pegasi follow in the air.

“Fair Anonymous and fellow herdmates... we believe it is time for us to abscond from this gathering as quickly as possible!”

Rainbow turns her head as she flies. “Where're we gonna go, Princess?”

Luna ponders. “Nowhere in Equestria is safe for us right now. Perhaps we should retire to the moon palace? It would also give us an opportunity to do some redecorating so that the message is, while still true, something less offensive.”

“DON'T THINK I DIDN'T HEAR THAT, LUNA!!”

The Princess of Dreams yelps and then begins to charge her horn for a mass teleportation spell. You turn back to find an angry Celestia barely being restrained by her guard from coming after you. With a hearty laugh, you grab on to Luna’s starry mane as the teleportation magic begins to take hold of you, along with a deep joy that captures you completely.

For a moment, it all seems like something out of a dream…

You look to the ponies you hold dear once more before the shimmering magic carries you away, and you wonder if it even matters.

‘Cause when your life’s as wonderfully crazy as this, who needs dreams anyway?

The End