> The Moonlit Rise of a Winning Pony
>  by Luminary
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The Perils of Adorkability
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------






The Moonlit Rise of a Winning Pony






“Oh no, this is terrible! If Princess Celestia thinks Rainbow Dash is trying to start the Second Lunar Rebellion, she’s going to send Rainbow to the moon! And then she’ll send me to the moon too, because I’m friends with Rainbow Dash! Or worse, she’ll send me back to magical kindergarten! But what if Celestia doesn’t find out in time, and Rainbow Dash starts a civil war? What if she wins, and becomes the new ruler of Equestria? Then she’ll send me to the moon because I’m Celestia’s student! Either way, I’M DOOMED!”

Yup, that was Twilight Sparkle, taking a scenic ride on the crazy train, right through the party celebrating my and Blossomforth’s promotions to the glories of small-town Weather Management. I looked around for Pinkie and the boss, but the two of them had walked off together into the crowd of party-attending ponies. They were still busy arguing over whether Pinkie’s honorary rank in Dash’s new tyrannical weather-militia should be cool or funny. They were way too caught up in each other to notice that Twilight was in the middle of a freak-out. Guess that means it’s up to old Cloud Kicker to fix this.

My first thought was to hit on her; a pony should play to her strengths, shouldn’t she? Dash’s voice ringing in my ear from across the room, yelling something about a cannon, changed my mind. No messing with Dash’s friends, right. It would get… complicated. And Rule Two was ‘no complications’.

So, humor was out. On to cold, mercenary manipulation of the mare who, rumors said, wanted to rebuild Ponyville in under a minute after the parasprite incident, to avoid looking bad in front of Celestia.

I put on my best and most confused-looking frown. “I always thought of Celestia as wise and kind. Doesn’t everypony? I’m kind of surprised to hear from the pony closest to her that she’s actually a bit cruel. Guess you never know what ponies are like behind closed doors.”

Success! Twilight seemed to do the mental equivalent of tripping over a rock and plowing face-first into the ground. She froze completely, and her eyes widened.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself, despite Blossom frowning up a storm in my peripheral vision. That victorious feeling faded pretty quickly when tears started to gather in the librarian’s eyes.

Horseapples.


+++++



I awkwardly patted the sulking, teary wreck that was Twilight Sparkle on the back.

Blossom was punishing me. There was no other way to explain it. She’d left me with the inconsolable unicorn. And hay, at least I could understand that. It was her party as much as mine, and she should enjoy it. On the other hoof, I hadn’t realized how utterly cruel and evil that otherwise cute little mare could be. She was distracting Pinkie Pie, chatting happily with her in a distant corner, keeping the perpetually perky party pony from seeing that Twilight was in desperate need of cheering up.

I shot Blossom a pleading look. She glared back the second Pinkie was looking somewhere else. She was good at it, too. I got the feeling I would be sleeping on the couch that week, despite not sharing a house with—or even dating—Blossom. That takes a certain skill.

It was probably a side effect of the evil.

“Celestia is the best, kindest pony in the world,” a voice beside me grumped, between sniffles.

Right. The librarian I just traumatized. “I know she is,” I assured her, uselessly.

“She just has a really bad student.” Twilight buried her muzzle between her forelegs, against the table she’d claimed. Her ears splayed. When she continued, her voice was muffled. “She’s perfect. How do you even live up to that?”

I made with the patting again. “Not sure. You’d probably have to, I don’t know, save the world a few times or something. You’d probably be set, then.”

Twilight looked up from her wallowing. There was a fragile little smile on her lips, which I took as a sign that Celestia really is a kind and merciful Princess, who watches over her imperilled ponies. That was pretty relevant to the topic at hoof, too.

Desperate to save my party experience—and to look like less of a mule—I took that glimmer of hope and ran with it. “Nopony’s perfect, Twilight.” I reached out to brush at the unicorn’s cheeks with a fetlock, wiping some of the moisture of her tears away. I’d like to say that it was a purely motherly gesture. Or even that it was some angle to get her into bed, rule-breaking or not. But really? I figured my chances of getting out of this alive were drastically increased if I cheered her up before Dash came by and noticed that her friend was a sobbing mess thanks to me. “But c’mon now. I can’t think of anypony who would make Celestia more proud. Hay, she trusts you with the safety of her whole kingdom, doesn’t she?”

The happy blush? Good sign. The increasingly nervous ear-flick when I reminded her of crushing responsibility? Less good. I could relate, at this point. Every time I saw a lot of colours in my peripheral vision, I had visions of Rainbow sending me off to the unemployment line. Not a good thing in a room full of colourful ponyfolk.

I gave her a little nudge with my foreleg. “I bet she has you working on something right now.” Hopefully something really non-stressful, like that practice with magicking up some topiaries that I saw her doing with Rarity the other day, while I was cloud-busting.

Twilight wiped at her nose with a foreleg and straightened up a little. “She has me looking into the differences between the tribes. She probably wants me to appreciate the differences among my friends. The anatomical incongruities between the subspecies of ponykind alone are pretty fascinating.” She seemed right at home with this sort of topic. I fought down the urge to cheer.

Heck, I even felt a little grin creeping up onto my muzzle. “Sure is. Pony anatomy is one of my favorite things to study. The closer the better.”

She nodded her head enthusiastically. The implication flew right over Twilight’s head, which was just endlessly cute. “The polymorphism is really drastic. Most other races would probably have undergone speciation by this point. The fact that ponies can even interbreed is really more a function of magic than—”

I sort of zoned out, especially once my attempt to insert a joke about breeding was plowed over by the stream of science-blather.

“—should come by sometime, if you’re interested in the topic. We could study together!” she finished, some time later. I blinked, looking forlornly over as the last of the muffin tray was picked clean by Derpy, across the room. I lucked out enough to look back right when Twilight was clapping her forehooves together, a gleeful smile on her face.

I think my heart might have seized up for a beat or two. It was no less adorable the second time she spotted a potential study buddy in one day, apparently.

I glanced out through Sugarcube Corner’s display window, trying to spot the fireball screaming down from the sun to smite me where I sat for the impure thoughts I was having about Celestia’s student. She must have been giving me a second chance at life.

“Sounds like fun. I might take you up on that,” I lied, breezily. I liked poring over mind-numbingly boring medical textbooks as much as the next pony. It was just hard to enjoy a good, long death-march through academia when wondering if the Princess or Rainbow Dash would be killing you first, if you screwed up. I stood up and gave my wings a little stretch before resettling them. “But I should get back to my party. Never enough Cloud Kicker to go around.”

Twilight gave an understanding nod of her head. She was still smiling, thankfully, once again confirming that the universe was a caring and ultimately benevolent place. “Of course. Sorry to take up so much of your time. It was nice to meet you.”

I shot her a winning smile. “It was really nice to be able to put a voice to all of Dash’s stories. And to get a better look at you than just seeing you up on the town hall stage. You’re even cuter up close.” As I turned and started off toward my treasonous green and pink Blossom, I let my tail ‘accidentally’ brush up against Twilight’s side.

What can I say? I’m weak.

“Dash talks about me? What sort of sto—” She stopped as her brain caught up with the ‘cute’ part. “W-wait. What?”

Grinning to myself, I kept on toward the crowd, not looking back. There were other ponies to tease. Ones who really, really had it coming.


+++++



The promotion party was a huge success!

Or so I heard. For me it was a series of strike-outs, which served me right. I’d spent far too much time teasing Blossom into a shaky, blushing mess, and put off trying my hoof at snagging company until the very last second. You know, after most of the particularly pretty ponies who were looking for a fun night had already found their prospects?

Even some of my reliable standbys, like Lyra and Bon Bon, were otherwise spoken for. Lyra was on one of her bi-monthly quests to find something to have a big romantic celebration with her marefriend about. I think now she was celebrating the anniversary of hearing ‘their’ song for the first time.

Equestria Girls wasn’t even that great a song. Sapphire Shores should have been put in prison. I’d been seeing mares wearing bikinis at the lake since that single came out. It was criminal to cover a mare up like that.

Almost as criminal as having a tragically cold bed for the last five nights in a row.

And to make matters worse, I don’t even think that was their song. Lyra likes that slow, romantic, classical stuff, for Bon-romance… or Cloud-romance, for that matter. The kind you can hold another pony close while dancing to. She probably just claimed it was theirs as a pretense to get the candles out. 

I slumped down, almost spilling myself off my pity-cloud, which was currently drifting low over the town square. I considered flapping my wings to send it off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner.

I didn’t do pity sex. Waaaay too much emotional complication. Pinkie Pie, sweet angel of mercy that she was, didn’t subscribe to my infinite wisdom. She would leap, probably literally, at the chance to put a smile on my sulking face.

Except she was with Dash now, thanks to me. And Dash isn’t really the ‘sharing’ type. The demise of my soul via my own benevolence very obviously proved the universe was an uncaring and merciless place.

I groaned in melodramatic dismay, burying my muzzle in cloudfluff. I sullenly looked up, noting that the cloud was heading right for the beacon of architectural weirdness that was the town library-tree. I did nothing to change its path. It suited my mood to crash into the tree and go down in a fiery blaze of glory. At least it would be exciting.

Five minutes later, the cloud had made it the remaining fifty hooves to the tree. I crashed into it face-first. I barely felt the devastation wrought by the collision. The cloud lazily bounced off and drifted some other way at a snail’s pace. I sighed.

A nearby window in the tree opened as Twilight Sparkle poked her head out to witness the disaster. Oh, the equinity. I waved a hoof with a dejected lack of energy.

“Oh, hello Cloud Kicker!” she chirped, with the brightest smile ever on her cute little purple face. There should be a law against that sort of thing when someone’s trying to wallow in whatever it is ponies wallow in. Jelly, possibly, going by my last date. “How come pegasi never just use the door? Did you come here to catch up on your anatomical studies?”

Noooo. I wasn’t done with the self-pity. I mentally hugged it close as it died a horrible death in my imaginary forelegs.

“Yes,” I said, defeated. Apparently it was possible for one to be so bored that medical textbooks sounded like an oasis of hedonistic enjoyment. “If you give me something to do, I’ll happily study your anatomy in any way you want me to.”

Twilight giggled. Who knew that only my worst jokes would get through to her? Still, it was better than Dash. If I didn’t know for certain that Pinkie adored it, I’d think innuendo blindness was one of the prerequisites of using the Elements of Harmony. Maybe there was hope for our heroes yet.

“Oh, I wish the medical books were all from my personal collection. They belong to Ponyville. Come down to the front door, I’ll meet you there.”

Maybe not.

With a shrug, I flopped from the cloud, lazily beating my wings to half-heartedly avoid plummeting to my death.


+++++



It was every bit as bad as I’d feared.

At least, that’s what I’d expected to say. As it turns out, I was wrong about that. Who’d have guessed?

Not only was Twilight Sparkle going to save my sanity, she was going to feed me. And right at that moment, I was fully behind the old earth pony saying that the way to a pony’s heart was through her stomach.

“Oh, sweet Celestia…” I worshipfully whispered around a mouthful of toast. The religious mention was particularly apt, I thought. Time shrank down toward one perfect moment. Clear, pure, appley sweetness revealed itself to my tastebuds to the song of a choir of angel ponies. 

Twilight giggled, between nibbles at her own toast. “Granny Smith, actually. She makes that jelly for the Apple family. I thought it was a very sweet gesture when AJ gave it to me for my birthday.”

I made some kind of acknowledging sound. Probably. Suddenly my last paramour’s obsession made sense. He must have tasted some of the Apple Family Special Preserve Reserve here, and had whole new vistas of jelly-based reality opened to him. He’d spent the rest of his life just trying to recapture that moment. “I think I can taste every beautiful ray of sun that hit the apple tree as it was growing.”

“I’ll be sure to send the Princess your thanks in my next letter.”

I forced my likely shaking hooves to put the toast down. The jelly spread across the bread glimmered invitingly back at me. I imagined the light shone from within its hallowed, gooey structure. If I didn’t put it down, that jelly would consume me. There would be nothing left but a snarling, feral Cloud Kicker, haunting the misty orchards of Sweet Apple Acres, sinking her fangs into any passing apple, forever. “Forget the letter. I think I’m going to go visit the Royal Court just to kiss her.” Sure, it was Granny Smith’s doing, but kissing her would be infinitely less appealing.

“That’d be popular,” Twilight said. I would have thought it would be impossible to distill quite as much sarcasm as that into three words. Then again, I never thought you could make bliss itself into something you could put on toast. “I bet the Royal Guard love it when ponies molest Princess Celestia.”

I dabbed at my lips with a napkin, and carefully inspected it afterward to make sure no rapturous appleness escaped on it. I’m ashamed to say that there was a good chance that I’d have eaten the napkin if it had. “I figure it’s equal odds that I’ll end up in a dungeon, or on a date. Could be worth the risk.”

Twilight looked absolutely aghast. “Celestia doesn’t date.”

“She had a thing with Shadow Kicker.”

The unicorn stomped a hoof down vehemently. The stubborn look she was shooting me might have had a bit more force if she wasn’t so small, cute, and nerdy. “There is no historical backing for that at all. It’s all just rumor and conjecture. They were close, sure, but there’s no sign that it was anything but platonic.”

I gave a shrug of my shoulders. “Celestia’s a mare. I imagine she has the same needs as anypony else. A thousand years is a long time to go without some company.” I smiled slyly. “Besides, I think we’ve all heard the rumors of the harem.”

Okay, I lied. There weren’t any rumors. They were drunken fantasies ponies kept to themselves, at best. Putting the Princess in that sort of light simply wasn’t done. I really just wanted to see Twilight squirm.

I got my wish. A rosy colour started to creep in at the base of Twilight’s muzzle. “There’s no harem!” she said, with a small hint of panic. “I haven’t even seen her date in my whole life.”

I raised my hoof to tap it against my chin. “Ponies are probably just too scared. Definitely think I should try my luck. Even my mother would have to respect me becoming Princess Cloud Kicker.” I paused, showily, tilting my head in Twilight’s direction. “But I’m not the kind of mare to shoulder someone aside. If you were planning to go for it, I’ll stay away.”

Twilight’s little blush became far more fiery. It crept down along her cheeks, and her ears reddened dramatically. “S-she’s my teacher! She practically raised me!”

“A teacher who happens to be the most beautiful and wildly perfect mare in Equestria,” I pointed out, helpfully. “You’d have to have a heart of stone not to have thought about it. And you don’t strike me as that type, Twilight.”

I wasn’t sure if Twilight was going to die of shame right in front of me, or scream and run off. Or maybe she’d just light me on fire. I don’t think she knew how things were going to go, either. It was just too much. The snickers and cut-short chuckles were starting to creep out, no matter how hard I clamped my lips down and tried to keep a straight face.

Twilight blinked. “You’re just trying to provoke me, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” I managed. Yeah, there was no helping it, I was about to break out into laughter.

Something stung the tip of my muzzle, making me yelp. Whatever hit me bounced against the table and landed on the sacred toast. I examined it while rubbing my nose. It was a sugarcube set out for the coffee brewing in the kitchen. Magenta magic was still wisping off of it.

“Aww, that’s so sweet of you!” I said, leaning forward to eat the sugarcube. Puns were the mainstay of pony humor. The joking stopped right about then; the sugarcube had some of that jelly on it. I think I trembled a little as it melted in my mouth. It took a while before I managed to speak again, and shoot the unicorn a smile. “Good throw, by the way.”

She giggled, lifting a hoof in front of her muzzle. It was even cuter than the blush. Totally worth the sore nose. “You’re Rainbow’s friend, all right.”


+++++



“Grey Mane’s Anatomy is a classic medical text!” Twilight, voice raised, shoved the thick book across the stump-table with jab of her hoof. “We were lucky to get a reproduction of the second edition.”

I put a little weight forward to shove the book back toward her. I was bigger, stronger, and my work didn’t involve pushing things around with my horn all day. Suffice to say, it bumped back into her chest. “And by ‘classic,’ I guess you mean ‘obsolete’. Trust someone who knows, that isn’t how pegasus flight works.”

Twilight picked the book up and cradled it to herself like a mother would a foal. “They didn’t have a very good grasp of non-unicorn magic back then. But it doesn’t matter. This is just how it’s taught. You start with the foundations, and lies-to-foals, because it’s easier in the long run!”

“Do I look like a foal to you?” I snapped back, flapping my wings to free up my forelegs, so I could cross them resolutely.

“Right now?” she said, looking me over. “A little bit, yeah.”

Ouch. I felt a grin creeping up onto my muzzle. I settled my hooves back onto the ground. “Good one,” I conceded. She started to put the book back onto the table, so I cut in, “But I’m still not going to read that book.”

She made a little frustrated sound at the back of her throat and spun around to go search out another. I just quietly admired the view.


+++++



Twilight Sparkle narrowed her eyes, the edge of her lips curling upward in a victorious smirk.

Seriously, she’d be the worst pony in the world at cards. I kept my own face passive.

“Pegasus assassin at M9,” she all but purred. She was really hot when she was thinking she was all evil. She triumphantly flipped over one of the flat, rounded stones that made up the Schism tokens.

I glanced at my private board for comparison, picked the long token-fork in my mouth, and used it to flip over one of my stones on the main board. She groaned even before I could make my announcement. I could hear her face hitting the table behind her board. “Unicorn warlock hunter.”

I really hadn’t expected Twilight to have a Schism set. It was a pretty obscure wargame. I've rarely seen a board outside West Hoof. Though I could see the complexity being a draw for a mare like her. It was a game of small unit tactics between two large armies. It was all about reconnaissance, counter-intelligence, dirty tricks, and sneaky traps, with the main armies playing nothing more than obstacles. 

“How do you keep doing that?” said Twilight's gameboard in a grumpy librarian voice.

“You’d be a great Battle Clouds player. Not so much Schism.”

A purple horn rose above the wooden gameboard like the fin of a surfacing shark. The flat look came up just after it. Apparently Twilight didn’t like being told she should stick to foal’s games.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Sorry. But it’s true. The way you searched the board was really efficient. Perfect for Battle Clouds. And how you did it to try and drive my general to that spot would have caught a lot of players unaware.” I shrugged. “The ‘safe’ spot in your searches seemed pretty obvious. My ancestors were sneaky. I have a reputation to uphold.”

Points to the little unicorn wizard for not getting defensive about it. If anything, she looked thoughtful. She gave a resolute nod. “Sneaky. I can do sneaky. I was taught by the best.”

“Aren’t you girls supposed to be studying?” asked Spike, a tiny dragon who was apparently Twilight’s maid, or something, judging by the frilly pink apron and the feather duster.

I gave a sidelong look at the stack of books resting on the edge of the table. “I needed a break, before my eyes started to bleed, and my brain melted and poured out of my ears,” I explained, matter-of-factly.

“I don’t think you’re going to make it here, sister,” the dragon replied, gravely. “Twilight chews up and spits out study partners like you.”

“Spike!” The rebuke was automatic and instant. She dissolved into nervous laughter after that. “Don’t listen to him. You’re doing very well.”

Feeling like a dog that just got a pat on the head for trying not to pee in the house, I folded back my ears and leaned forward to take the spine of one of the books in my mouth. I set it down in front of me. “No, he’s right. It was a fun break, but I guess we should get back to it.”


+++++



Maybe it was the desperation at work, but I was curled up in a little cushioned window nook, with the setting sun warming my coat, and a book in my forelegs. I was perfectly content, and feeling just as perfectly relaxed. It wasn’t the sort of condition I was normally in… at least, not before I had three ponies exhaustedly panting for breath around me.

Aside from that particular night in Las Pegasus, I couldn’t remember feeling so… peaceful.

I shifted one lazily drooping wing to brush its pinions against my mood-lifting purple angel’s side. “Have you ever felt just inspired by what you’ve learned?” I mused to the unicorn lying on the wooden floor below me, sharing my patch of orange sunlight. 

Twilight nodded, her eyes almost glimmering with dorky delight. I swear, I felt like kissing her right then. The light was shining down on her, outlining that Canterlot profile. There was simple pleasure in her expression. Even her cute, nerdy manecut was a little mussed where her head had been propped against the wooden wall, which apparently was doing it for me. The—

“Oh great, now she’s going to go on all night about when she spent two months making that flower clock with the gardeners for Celestia’s birthday,” a youthful voice complained.

—the minor-slash-little-brother-slash-dragon-servant sitting nearby. Yeah, that last one was a mood-killer.

Twilight gave Spike a flat look before turning her attention back to me. She was still cute, but the moment of insanity on my part had passed. “I have, actually. All the time. Knowledge is its own reward, but finding something practical to do with it? That’s magic.”

“Yeah, magic.” I fondly patted the book I was reading. “I think it will be.”

Twilight, overcome with curiosity, stretched herself up to take a peek at the book I was reading. “Hmm? You’re reading about wings? What do you plan to do with that?”


+++++



“I think you broke her,” Cloudchaser said, poking a hoof at her ‘little’ sister’s side.

Surveying my hoofiwork, I could see why she’d say that. Flitter was face-down on the bed, breathing hard. Her wings were splayed out messily, her feathers matted and out of place. Her normally flowing mane was distinctly less than tidy. I could see just a little bit of the dazed, blissful look on her face.

I sat back, as proud as could be. I raised a hoof to brush back my mane, and gave a little puff of breath, blowing a tiny, downy feather—so similar to the colour of my own—from between my lips. “Don’t think that’s how she’d describe it,” I boasted, without a shred of shame.

Flitter made a happy, answering little squeak that sounded like agreement.

“What’d you do to her?” Cloudchaser asked, in a tone of nearly fearful, excited fascination.

“Magic,” I answered, cryptically. “The magic of knowledge. Kicker clan secret. But you were there, you saw it.”

And I was more than happy to say that. I think that memory will keep me warm on many a cold night. Cloudchaser holding her sister’s head to her chest with her forelegs, stroking her mane while Flitter wailed and cried out. Cloudchaser crooning comfortingly into her ear in return. Celestia, did I love the noisy ones. I’ll probably be getting an earful about it tomorrow from Cherry Berry, next door. On the other hoof, twins. So who cares?

I felt my cheeks warm, and my wings start to rise at the five-minute-old nostalgia. Cloudchaser noticed, and hope sparked in her eyes, along with a certain nervousness, like a non-pegasus pony about to skydive from a balloon.

“Do… do you think you could work that magic again?” Cloudchaser asked.

I nodded solemnly, then leapt across the intervening few hoofspans on the bed, driving the yet-unravished twin down under me, in a fit of giggles.


+++++



“Equ-est-ria girls, we’re kind of magical,” I sang, loudly and probably off-key, as I burst through the library doors the next day, my wings beating to keep my forelegs off the ground.

A did a little spin on a hoof, and dropped a bouquet of daisies on top of the book that a rather shocked Twilight Sparkle had been reading. I didn’t explain, of course. I needed to sing more. “Boots on hooves, biHMPH—”

Take it from a pony who now knows, having your lips transmuted into a zipper and then having them zipped shut is exactly as disturbing as it sounds. Luckily, they seemed to change back after my panicked unzipping. It’s not easy to do that with hooves when you’re freaking out, though. I’d probably have split my lip, accidentally, if it wasn’t horrifyingly metallic.

“Cloud Kicker, what’s this about?” Twilight asked, with all the calmness of someone who lives down the street from Pinkie Pie.

I was too busy touching my lips in dismay. “That doesn’t have any permanent side effects, does it? If these lips get damaged, there’s going to be a riot in Ponyville. Mares and stallions will be weeping in the street, Twilight. And it’ll be all your fault.”

“No side effects, you’ll live. Weep-free.” I can’t fault her dry delivery. She repeated, “Cloud Kicker, what’s this about?” She pointed a hoof down at the flowers, almost accusingly. “I talked to Rainbow about you. And I’m not interested in ‘banging’.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, at least I don’t have to be worried that Dash said nice things about me.” I shook my head. Rainbow Dash getting a hoof upside her colourful head was a matter for another time. “Nope, that isn’t an invitation to a date, my fair librarian. That’s a thank you gift. Pinkie was… less than helpful, so I asked Rarity what your favorite flavor of flower was.”

I paused, then added, “Um, I wasn’t actually able to convince her that it wasn’t a come-on, either. So I’m sorry if she bothers you about it. I wasn’t really expecting her to be so… intense. But I think you might get a free ‘first date’ dress out of it, at least?”

Twilight’s ears pinned back. I couldn’t blame her. Then again, maybe it was less about Rarity and more about me, since her tone of voice carried more than a little suspicion. “A ‘thank you’ for what?”

I threw my foreleg chummily around Twilight. She stiffened up. She probably wouldn’t have done so yesterday—thanks, Rainbow!—but it was familiar ground, at least. Very Blossomy. I made a grandiose sweeping motion with a hoof. “For the knowledge.”

“Did you help a pegasus fly?” she asked, hopefully.

I nodded my head, holding back a snicker. “Higher than they ever have before. You know that phrase, ‘The sky’s the limit’? Yeah, way past that.”

Never underestimate a pony’s ability to believe what they want to. Twilight seemed to mull it over, for a moment. “Well, just be careful. Not even pegasi can handle it when the air gets too rarified.”

“They had some trouble breathing, sure. But it was all worth it. You made for some happy ponies, Twilight Sparkle. Most notably and especially, one Cloud Kicker, famous for being the most loveable and loving pony in Ponyville.” I leaned in to give her cheek a cheerfully friendly nuzzle. She twitched away, just a little, but I guess my enthusiasm was infectious, because she was grinning a little anyway. I added the proverbial cherry on top. “Want to do some more studying?”

She didn’t clap, to my eternal regret, but she did beam at me. Some ponies are just plain easy to please. For the rest, I have the new and improved Cloud Kicker Magic (still pegasi only). “What’s it going to be today?”

“Unicorns,” I said, with a firm nod.

And ‘lo, unicorns it was. My world became all about the comforting smell of aged paper, the biting scent of ink, the occasional stolen daisy petal, and lots and lots of really gross pictures of ponies missing various layers. Not just layers of clothes, unfortunately. The artists of those anatomy textbooks really needed to get out more... or maybe less, for the safety of all ponykind.

I tried to convince myself that I was taking a break from the gore whenever I looked over the top of my book at Twilight Sparkle. After all, that made sense; I could use a bit of that serious, studious adorkability to recharge my batteries for more nastiness. It was around the time when I spent a few minutes watching her nibble at the end of a quill as she read that I realized there was no use denying it.

The jaded mistress of all things banging in Ponyville, the pony who wouldn’t blink at any kink, had a schoolfilly crush on a librarian. A librarian whom she barely knew, and who was off-limits.

No diamond dogs. No friends of the boss. And surely nopony who was reputed to be like a daughter to the Living Sun herself.

Then again, it would be nice to pay Shining Armor back for taking my father’s job by ravishing his sister with a beautiful, terrifying thoroughness that no other mare had ever experienced before. And lived.

I groaned inwardly and buried my muzzle against a long-winded explanation of some squiggly internal organ. Don’t think about sexy purple nerds, Cloud. Or ravishment.

I thought about it anyway, only half-paying attention to my ‘studying’.

“I think I found what you’re looking for.”

I glanced up from a rather horrible diagram of what used to be one of my favorite parts of a pony. It threatened to make me want to give up my wicked ways and move into one of the ancient Solar monasteries. “A pony with a tongue immune to cramping and tiring?”

Twilight made a face. Hey, she caught one! “No. The supraclavicular nerve.”

I blinked at her in a way that was probably less than intelligent. Luckily, my mouth was there to pick up the slack. “Wha?”

“You were looking for areas that would be responsible for magical flow inside of a unicorn. The spine does most of that, of course, but the supraclavicular nerves are highly developed compared to pegasi or earth ponies. They help move the internal magic from the chest and forelegs to the horn.”

“Do you happen to know the phrase, ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’?” I sweetly asked.

She gave me a flat look that I was pretty close to permanently dubbing ‘The Twilight Sparkle,’ and spun the book she was levitating to face me. More pictures of ponies without skin. Yay.

After a few moments of peering and studying, I came to a conclusion: “The neck and head?”

Hay, no problems there. What pony doesn’t like getting their neck nibbled on? Lyra was a sucker for anything around that area. Kissing. Biting. Ears. Throat. That big, obvious thing sticking out of her forehead.

Yeah. Okay, that one really should have been a no-brainer.

Still, everypony was different. There was no need to go jumping to conclusions. “My theory is looking pretty good. We clearly need to do a bit of testing,” I stated, in my best academic tone.

Stop, Cloud Kicker. No. Worst idea you’ve ever had.

The cute little librarian got an equally cute little smile on her face at the mention of testing. There’s something really attractive about a pony who’s easy to please, with big, obvious buttons to be pushed. Take that however you like.

“Testing?” Twilight said. “What theory are we trying to prove?”

I walked around the strange table of living wood we were studying on, and sit myself down on my haunches in front of Twi.

Abort, Cloud Kicker. Doom is assured.

“Whether or not magic-carrying capacity relates to sense-reception,” my traitorous mouth said, in science-ese, proving that it was in cahoots with some likewise-disloyal part of my brain.

Twilight gave me a suspicious look. “This isn’t some soldier thing, is it? I’m not letting you hit me in the horn. I don’t need a book to tell you that it really hurts.”

“You really have been asking after me, haven’t you? I’m flattered!” I gave her a bright grin, but followed it by making a shooing-away gesture with a hoof, to cut short her inevitable denial. “But no. West Hoof pretty much covered the basics about what happens when violence meets necks and faces. We’ve got that subject squared away.”

“Then what’s the test?” She had one ear folded back, and her head was tilted just slightly to the side. It was the perfect expression of eager curiosity.

“We see how the area feels for a unicorn. Simple.” I’m pretty sure I should have been underlit at that point, as if I was telling ghost stories around a lantern. The little Cloud Kicker in white on my shoulder was shrieking in my ear. But the other Cloud—presumably in Domarenatrix black—was whispering far more effectively in the opposite one about how completely adorable Twilight Sparkle actually was.

“Well, we’ll need control groups of non-unicorn ponies, and a fairly large sample siIZE—!” Twilight’s voice rose to something that was almost a yelp as I dipped my head forward. A forehoof rose to delicately press toward one side of her neck, while my muzzle found the other.

“I already know what most ponies feel.” I murmured against her coat. The movement of my lips must have been almost like a kiss. My nose was filled with the scent of clean fur, and the mild aroma of rose water. Huh. I’d have expected lavender. It was in fashion to match scent to coat colour. Guess I’d have to bring my own bottle over.

I didn’t exactly nip, but I captured a sliver of her coat, just barely. My lip brushed against the skin below. At the top of my vision, I saw her ears lifting in surprise. She didn’t say anything, though. I took that as a good sign. I lifted my muzzle slightly, brushing my lips along the curve of her jaw. It was easy to appreciate that. The graceful line of it screamed of her good Canterlot breeding. It was a beautifully refined, aristocratic shape for a very unaristocratic pony. She made a sweet little noise at the back of her throat, one that reminded me all too much of the good old days of Flight Camp.

Yeah, I was doomed. Dash was going to scoop my house up with a tornado. White-robed Cloudy was right. But it was so very hard to care about the whiny little nag.

I let my hoof gently brush against Twilight’s cheek as I lifted my muzzle away. She leaned slightly forward, as if chasing that contact. A little smile tugged at my lips. And her? She looked more dazed than anything. Her eyes were closed, and I could feel her breath coming quickly. Her ears were still frozen at attention. Her lips moved, just barely, as if starting to sound things out. It was a beautiful thing.

She started to open her eyes. It would take her out of the moment, I was sure. So I brought an end to that risk, and closed that tiny gap between us once again. I pressed a downy-soft kiss against the corner of her lips. Then another, closer to center. By the third, she was ready for it.

Twilight wasn’t much of a kisser. Not really a big surprise there. From what I got from Rarity’s dating advice, Twi was inexperienced. At this point, I was more than willing to find it endearing. She was a little slow to respond, but hey, she probably wasn’t used to situations where she didn’t study first. Besides, I could kiss well enough for the both of us. My hoof trailed back toward her ruler-straight mane, more than ready to take my place as the lead mare of this little dance.

My vision was suddenly awash with magenta light. I found myself rising off the ground and floating away from Twilight. I could barely feel her magic. Her levitation was remarkably delicate. Her eyes were open now, her expression a confused mix of emotions. She raised a hoof to touch it to her lips.

“Twilight…” I began, beating my wings. I’m not a weak flyer by any stretch. Normally, I could bull my way right out of a unicorn’s grip. Levitation wasn’t terribly stable when ponies wanted out and started actively resisting. Pegasi and earth ponies aren’t nearly so lacking in magic as some unicorns like to think.

I might as well have been trying to fly through a brick wall. I didn’t move in any direction but backward, at the exact same speed as before I started flapping my wings. I froze in shock, looking back at them in disbelief. Unicorns at West Hoof were taught not to bother with combat levitation for a reason, and the rest of us were sure as hay taught what to do if some misguided civvy tried his luck.

Apparently, nopony gave Twilight Sparkle a copy of the West Hoof manuals informing her that it was impossible to hold me.

All of those years of military training served me well; I floated there in shock, like an idiot, until I found my rump bouncing along the ground a dozen paces from the front door of the library. The door closed in what wasn’t quite a slam. As if that would stop me. Closed doors are earth pony thinking. I spied an open window on the second floor of the tree and gathered myself up. A buck-up like this didn’t improve with time.

I didn’t waste that time kicking myself. I took wing and arrowed up toward the window. I was barely able to stop in time to save my face from slamming into the bubble of solid magenta light that shimmered into being like a colourful soap bubble around the library.

Suffice to say, the rumors that would be making the rounds tomorrow wouldn’t be flattering, given what happened after that. I couldn’t imagine my legs would be feeling that great, either.

My nightmarish imaginings of a sullen Raindrops telling Dash about me pounding my hooves against her friend’s shield for twenty minutes, shouting about a kiss, didn’t end well. Still, they might have been better than my fears about tearful letters to Princess Celestia, and her demanding my presence in the palace to chew me out in front of the Court.

My parents would love this one. Finally, an epic screw-up to top going AWOL from West Hoof. You couldn’t say I wasn’t ambitious.


> The Benefits of Friends with Benefits
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was a few buildings away, all drooped ears and wings, when I heard the rubbery, wobbling sound of something passing through the library’s stylish new shield. I didn’t even think, and flew back, apologies for my idiocy queueing up.

I was met by a little glaring dragon floating his way down through the bubble from what was likely an upstairs window. He was clearly used to the treatment. Even as the levitation set him down, he had his arms crossed.

He pointed an accusing claw at me. “You,” he hissed. “What did you do? Twilight kicked me out.”

Oh, thank Celestia. I was worried that I didn’t have enough to feel guilty about.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I don’t even know. I was taking a nap, and suddenly Twilight’s waking me up, telling me I need to go to Pinkie’s place.” His glare at me intensified. A little smoke was drifting from his nostrils. “She was all red and breathing quick. You’d better not have given her something. She’s twice as bossy when she’s sick.”

I wish I could convince myself that she was just so consumed with Cloud-inspired animal lust that she needed some alone time. But that wasn’t something I could swallow… which was saying a lot, as some in town would attest to. I likewise bit back a comment reassuring Spike that I had a clean bill of health from Nurse Redheart, who probably knew me more intimately than she knew her own coltfriend. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what somepony’s age is when they aren’t actually a somepony.

I lowered myself down and stretched a wing to offer a way up onto my back. “Nope. Not sick. I just did something really stupid. Here, let me take you over to Rarity’s.”

The dragon sullenly climbed up onto my back. “Well, when you apologize, use the word ‘friendship’ a few times. Or ‘learned’. She’s a sucker for that.” His tone turned suspicious. “Why Rarity’s? Twilight said Pinkie’s.”

I beat my wings, lifting myself off the ground. The little guy was actually heavier than he looked. Even so, I didn’t feel like walking. Too slow, and my legs were still a bit shaky from stupidly hammering against that shield. “Rarity’s is just as close. And you’ll never get any sleep with Pinkie around. You might get tired of Candy Land, or making smores, but she won’t. Besides, word is that you really like Rarity.”

Spike growled, and beat his face against the back of my neck in frustration. His claws were a little pokey. A lot of ponies, presumably ones who haven’t, ahem, advanced interspecies relations with fangy dogs, clawy griffons, and that clingy whatever-that-was when I was swimming around Seaddle, would have freaked out from that nearby danger. We’re not a particularly cool and collected species, on the whole.

“How does everyone know about that?” he whined into my mane.

I shrugged, albeit not so much as to risk dislodging him from his position. He didn’t so much as flinch, despite us being above rooftop level. Brave kid. “Don’t know. Dash’s friends are just popular grapevine bait. And you’re our one-and-only dragon. If it makes you feel better, I think it’s great.”

I could feel him lifting his head up. His voice was halfway suspicious. “You do?”

“Sure, why not? Love’s love. Pony. Dragon. Clingy-thing. We all deserve to be happy.” I glanced back, if quickly. Looking behind yourself isn’t a great habit to get in when flying close to the ground. “Though you might be out of luck, for a few years. The age thing is a bit creepy to adults.”

He seemed ready to question the clingy-thing. Luckily, the mention of his age mercilessly crushed his little psyche and sent him back to groaning and beating his face against my neck.

I laughed and spilled some air from my wings to give a bumpy, leg-length drop, catching his attention. “Maybe you should find someone closer to your own age to practice on? So you won’t be so nervous making a play for Rarity later?”

“Nopony can hold a candle to Rarity,” he stated, with stubborn matter-of-factness.

“No kidding. From what I hear, she’d kill you for giving her a burned spot on her coat.”

I could feel his unamused stare boring into the back of my head. Tough crowd.

I landed near the door to Rarity’s boutique. The main lights were on, even if the sign was flipped to ‘Closed,’ so I didn’t feel so bad when I knocked. After a minute, it opened.

I’d seen Rarity just that morning, and she looked like she’d been through a war since then. Her silky purple mane and tail were looking frazzled. A set of bobby pins were threaded through her mane and likely forgotten. Her mascara was smeared. Sweat glimmered at her brow. She looked more than a little like a mare who had just gotten up from a roll in the hay. It was more than a little hot. Judging by the lovelorn sigh from Spike, on my back, he agreed.

I’d pretty much lost the right to tease him about silly crushes, after tonight.

Still, those chic little red glasses that were resting on Rarity’s muzzle weren’t exactly letting me forget the source of my troubles. Twilight really needed glasses to complete the effect.

Some expression must have shown up on my face, because Rarity’s ears folded back. “Oh, my. That looks bad.” She levitated Spike from my back and set him on the ground in front of her. “Spikey, would you be a dear and put on some tea? Something soothing. A flower tea. Chrysanthemum, I should think.”

I’m pretty sure Spike meant to say something clever in return, but he just mumbled dreamily, and then rushed off toward what was presumably the kitchen. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he ended up in a broom closet. That kid had it bad.

I’ll just be ignoring the obvious parallels, thank you.

Rarity didn’t wait for the tea. She sat me down on a crocheted cushion beside a stylish little table by the window, and took her place opposite me. The silence stretched for half a minute or so, while I set my brain to working for the first time that night. It seemed that was too much time for Rarity.

She raised a hoof to fretfully brush at her mane. “I do apologize for my state. I have about a month of work to do, and less than a week to do it.” She breathed a put-upon sigh. “I suppose I should hire help. Someone to model, or a deft horn to sew. But that kind of care seems to be rather a lost art. A sign of our society, I suppose. All the young unicorn colts and fillies are always so concerned about brute strength with their magic, never about being graceful. Never about what can be done with that strength.”

It was surprisingly comforting to have someone else airing their issues. It wasn’t destined to last, though.

“Of course, it seems I’m not the only one with unicorn problems today,” she continued.

“It wasn’t a date. I wasn’t interested. I wasn’t lying about that...” I ran my hoof around an imagined stain that most certainly didn’t exist on the spotless table. I could see Rarity eyeing it anyway. “... at first.”

I jumped when a loud bang echoed around the room. Rarity had slammed her hoof down on the table in triumph. “Ah-ha! I knew it!”

I stared at her across the table; she at least had the decency to look abashed. “Look,” I began again, “I just happen to think she’s really cute. That’s all. It’s all very shallow. And I’m not exactly used to ponies who are really… inexperienced. I’m sure you’ve heard about me.”

Rumor and gossip were the lifeblood of any small town, and Rarity was one of the ponies with her hoof on the pulse of it. She was the sort of pony everyone knew was going places. And for a lot of ponies, that made her the sort of pony they wanted to know.

She nodded her head; at least she didn’t look judgemental, or disapproving. “I admit, I wouldn’t exactly call you a perfect match for our Twilight. She’s still a little nervous in strange situations. And while I would count her naivete as one of her more charming qualities, it does have its downsides.”

Rarity pursed her lips and continued. “But then again, stranger things have happened. Left to herself, she’s not liable to venture into the world of romance for a long time. An experienced hoof and a bit of risk-free experimentation isn’t the worst thing in the world that could happen to her.”

One of my ears flicked. I buried the irrational irritation as it threatened to bubble up. She really did know my reputation, it seemed. And I’ll be the first to admit that it was pretty much all true. I had no cause at all to get annoyed when ponies assumed my intentions were entirely in the banging. Hay, I’d all but told her as much. Maybe my conscience was just coming out to bite me, for using my ‘experienced hoof’ to make a play that I knew was a terrible idea. 

“Well, I don’t think that’ll be a problem,” I said. “I took off from the starting line a bit early on this one. I think we’ll be lucky if this ends with her still talking to me.”

Rarity’s look became a little coy. “Oh? And does that matter to you? You barely know her.”

“Of course it matters,” I answered, snappishly. I lapsed into silence after that, though, as the question actually received some thought. It was true that I barely knew her. We’d spent a few hours together, and no more.

Rarity laughed. It was a sweet sound, with no hint of mockery. “There’s something very infectious about her, in the very best sense. She slips in, right past your barriers, without you even noticing. Twilight Sparkle is something incomparably special.”

A little smile tugged at my lips. There was some truth to that. There was that Blossomy sense of humor. She was achingly adorable and unassuming. And brilliant too, in that dorky sort of w—

“And that’s why if you’ve truly hurt her, or do so in the future, all of our first instincts will be, of course, to utterly destroy you,” Rarity said, sweetly.

My head shot up to stare at her in surprise. That really shouldn’t have been nearly as menacing as I took it, but it was actually sort of chilling. Rarity just gave me an innocent bat of her eyelashes.

“Luckily, we’re all quite forgiving, and Twilight is more than able to take care of herself.” The unicorn made a little wave of her hoof. “Rainbow tends to act before thinking, however. So best to tread carefully. And to apologize promptly, for whatever you did.”

Rarity left that last bit hanging, fishing for information on my crime, no doubt. I pretended not to notice, and instead groaned, burying the end of my muzzle against my hoof. “Trust me, you don’t have to tell me what Rainbow’s like. I have first-hoof experience.” The last thing I needed was a repeat of Flight Camp. “I swear, I’m never allowing myself an irrational crush again.”

Rarity clicked her tongue. “Now now, none of that. What would life be without that sort of magic? You just need a little cheering up. I have an absolutely decadent chocolate ice cream in my ice box, for just such an occasion. I could use the break, and I’d love to hear about Dash as a filly.”

I shot her a smile, lingering nerves aside, but shook my head. I rose back up to my hooves. “I appreciate that. And I do need some cheering up. But I think it’s one of those days where it’s best done at home. I really just came to bring Spike, anyway. Seems Twilight’s in a pretty similar mindset as me. So if you could watch him for tonight?”

Rarity rose as well. I’d really expect no less than her perfectly following the social niceties. She escorted me to the door. “I’m always happy to have Spikey over. I’m sure he’ll be a great help, too. But are you sure you wish to go?”

I glanced back almost instinctively, looking for double meaning there. But no, her expression and body language made it seem like a purely innocent offer. Not that I’d really take her up on it if it wasn’t. Even I learn my lesson if you hit me hard enough. “Yeah, I’m sure. Rain check, okay? I could tell you a few stories. But tonight, I just need the simple comforts.”


+++++


Pokey Pierce moved under me, if not much, until the ropes pulled at the unyielding bedframe, making it creak. I shifted my weight to press my hoof down more firmly against his chest, taking a moment to admire the gleaming blackness concealing my leg, and how it contrasted against the unicorn’s blue coat. Sometimes the best part of being me is the dressing up, and then watching the effect: in this case, Pokey’s eyes following that covered foreleg with perfect attentiveness.

Ahh, the simple comforts.

As I dipped my head down, I knew those eyes would be going wide, even if I couldn’t see them. I focused on a chosen little patch on his neck, right below his jaw. I could feel his appreciation quite clearly. I’m not proud to admit that it shook me from fantasizing about doing this to a certain mare with a geometrically perfect manecut. No, not Blossom.

Though there was some appeal there, too.

Right, moving back from uncomfortable-thought-town to the shameless rebound pony.

I raised a hoof to press it to the bottom of Pokey’s muzzle, forcing it upward. I moved higher along him to whisper heatedly in his ear. It flicked satisfyingly in time with a hitch in his breath. “Hmm, I don’t know, Pokey. I spent a half-hour getting you all trussed up—which isn’t easy for a pegasus—and you’re trying to wiggle away. Starting to feel like you don’t trust me.” I took a moment to nibble on the edge of that chosen ear, just to cut off any protests. “I think you’d best prove to me that I’m mistaken. Before I go on, I think I deserve something. Your deepest, darkest secret would do.”

He swallowed. I released his head so he could talk, and amused myself with placing little kisses around his horn.

“I… I sometimes go to children’s parties just to test my horn on the balloons.”

I clicked my tongue in disappointment. “That’s not a secret, Pokey. Everyone knows. Pinkie sets out extra balloons just for you.” I gave a light, if chastising nip to that wonderful horn. “Try again.”

He shifted in his bonds, considering things for a moment. I spent my time not making that easy for him. He took a deep breath. “I…” he began, voice all full of hesitation and grave confession. “I think I love Pinkie Pie. Like, really love her.”

I resisted the urge to snort. “Pokey. My dear, sweet, oblivious Pokey. That’s the worst secret ever. Half the ponies in town are head-over-hooves for Pinkie. Hay, most days I think I am.”

He blinked, squirming so he could get his head in a position to meet my eyes. He looked doubtful. “Really?”

I tapped on his nose with a shiny black hoof. “Mmmhmm. Who’s better at making ponies feel special and loved than her? Most just get weirded out by how young she acts, or how energetic she is, and don’t try for her.” I tactfully avoided mentioning that Pinkie probably would have been more than happy to return Pokey’s affections, pre-Dash. No need to have a blubbering, depressed unicorn on my hooves. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll make you forget all about the Pink One for the night. But first…” I lowered my head to press my nose to his, narrowing my eyes just so. “I still want that secret, Pokey.”

He bit his lip. “I… forgot to tip my mailpony after the Summer Sun Celebration this year?”

“You fiend!” I hissed, accusingly. I continued in a cheerful tone, “That’ll do.”

He may not have been Twilight Sparkle, but I could always find some good use for an eager stallion.

I was proving the fourth way that was true when the pounding started. From the front door, not… you know. I ignored it, of course, either to Pokey’s delight, or dismay. That was a bit unclear from the sounds he was making. It might have been both.

After about five minutes, once the knocking had transmuted into some kind of cheerful, perfectly on-tempo beat, I opened my door with a bit more violence than was necessary. Lyra, so intent on being a pain, almost pitched forward when the door she was leaning against suddenly wasn’t there anymore. It wasn’t surprising that she didn’t tumble over; she had a bit of a reputation for being scatterbrained, and most would assume that made her clumsy, but Lyra’s sense of balance was pretty freaky. You could bend that mare in all sorts of weird—and fun—ways, and she’d go along without a worry. And even if she did worry, you could pretty much do it anyway, and she’d still happily go along with it.

Case in point, she recovered from her stumble and dove in for a sympathetic hug practically before she could take in the sight of me.

She skidded to a halt before those minty arms made it around me. Maybe it was my unamused look. Maybe it was the fact that entertaining a stallion was often a messier affair than with a mare.

Judging by the way she scrunched her nose up, I’m guessing it was the latter.

“We came to take you out on a girl’s night,” she hurriedly stammered, taking a half-step away from the icky stallion-cooties. “We heard about your fight with Twilight, and figured you could probably use it.”

‘We’ turned out to include Bon Bon. She waved a hoof from the doorway.

I’m not sure what annoyed me more: getting interrupted right in the middle of the fun part, or hearing that rumors were making their way around Ponyville already. Either way, it meant that making Lyra pay for her ten minutes of knocking was sounding pretty good, from a petty revenge point of view.

I folded my ears back, putting on an expression that was the very picture of misery. “I-I actually thought we had something special, too. Can you believe that?” I let my wings droop down, and shook my head. “For once, you know, I was thinking that maybe she was the one.”

My wings beat sullenly, lifting me into the air so I could stretch out my forelegs for a shiny, black, fetishy hug.

Lyra’s eyes widened. Her legs shook. Her loyalty to her dear friend waged visible war in her expression with her desire to keep my messy self somewhere past foreleg’s length. She lasted much longer than I thought. I was almost touching her before she lost her nerve and scampered behind her fillyfriend.

Bon Bon rolled her eyes, at least in the moment before they widened as Lyra’s hooves on her rump shoved her forward to absorb the hug. Lyra must have been pretty desperate to manage that. Earth ponies aren’t easy to move against their will.

With a chuckle, I beat my wings to gain a bit of altitude, dodging the stumbling candymare. Bons wasn’t quite so dedicated a fillyfooler, but I don’t think she’d really want to cuddle up to the pony who had just thoroughly and repeatedly ruined Pokey Pierce for all other mares, forever.

Bons gave Lyra a dirty look, brushing off her coat. She glanced up at me. “You already getting to the next pony? Nice boots, by the way.”

“You like? Looks like I’ve found a Hearth’s Warming gift for you, then. Anyway, about the thing at the library... it’s just a bit of a misunderstanding,” I explained, wishing I really believed that as much as I should have. I landed clear of the pair. “I’ll give you the story over drinks. I actually do like the sound of a night out. Just let me grab a shower and untie a few loose ends.”

“You mean tie up a few loose ends?” Bon Bon asked, cautiously. Always a smart cookie, that one.

“Nope!” I cheerfully called over my shoulder, and trotted deeper into my house.


+++++



The Sun’s Flank was about the best place for me. Well, after a quick shower to make myself properly fillyfooler-bar-compliant, anyway. Strong drinks, a normal, social atmosphere, a lot of pretty mares of the mostly non-purple variety, and the guarantee of sweet and minty comfort at the end of it all were a recipe for a happy Cloud.

Which, of course, was why I was miserable. Makes sense, right?

I was studying my reflection in a mug of some kind of bright red cherry drink from Canterlot that Lyra’d ordered up for me. The colour helped to hide the redness of my eyes, if only from myself. They itched, mired in that place just shy of tears, where they could start at any moment. My ears were pinned back in an absolutely pitiable expression.

Lyra’s hoof stroked at my back. I could feel the warmth of Bon’s breath against my cheek, where she was lovingly nuzzling me. You’d think that would make me feel better. It did, in a way, but every bit of comforting, familiar love they showed was eroding something away in me.

I closed my eyes tightly and tried to breathe around the lump of emotion growing in my chest. I don’t really buy all of the Clan stoicism but breaking down into sobs in front of half of the eligible bachelorettes in Ponyville sounded pretty awful. And it just wasn’t me besides. 

“I bucked this one up hard,” I moaned. The words just poured out of my mouth without any real thought.

I could feel Bon Bon lifting her muzzle. The couple probably shared a look or something. I couldn’t blame them. But in short enough order I had Lyra wiggling her way closer, and Bon pressing her nose harder against me. Just letting me know they were there.

“We didn’t think you had it so bad. You were joking about it before,” Lyra said.

The good old days of a half hour ago. Before the nuzzling and familiar safety of dear friends turned me into, well, this.

“I don’t. It’s not serious. I’m not in love, or anything. She’s great, and smart, and cute. But so are you girls.” I turned my head to rub my muzzletip to Bon’s. It helped to be on the giving end of it. “It’s just… I tricked her, practically. I stole something from her.”

“What do you mean?” Lyra asked. Judging by the way she was stroking her way up along my neck, she’d be going in for the head-to-chest comfort cuddle pretty shortly. I don’t know if I could handle that.

I leaned forward, away from Lyra’s touch, to look back into my nice, neutrally emotional drink. “Broke rule eight. She had no idea what she was getting into with me. I played her,” I sulked. “Think I all but stole her first kiss.”

With utmost predictability, Lyra’s hoof froze. She took that sort of thing seriously. Even me, who isn’t so keen on romance, thought the same. I still looked back on my first with Eepy more than a little fondly. And all Twilight would get to remember was me leaping on her and trying to eat her face.

“Maybe I’m beating myself up too much about it. I don’t even know if it was her first.” So maybe I was taking comfort in lying to myself. I was pretty sure. She had no idea what she was doing, and Rarity’s hints were pretty strong. But I don’t think I could handle Lyra being angry at the moment. And I desperately wanted to change the topic. It wasn’t my most glorious of days.

I forced my ears back up, and likewise forced myself to finish my story. “So, yeah. Tossed out on my rear. Pounding on the force field. Sort of had it coming, huh? Forgot how dumb it all makes you act. I haven’t had a schoolfilly crush since… well… being a schoolfilly.” I made a nebulous motion with my hoof in Lyra’s direction.

She gave me a bright but slightly forced smile and flung a foreleg around my shoulders. Lyra could be pretty empathetic when she needs to be. She faithfully latched onto the change of subject. “Aww, but that’s when you were the best. You made romantic gestures and everything. Flowers. Moonlit strolls through Canterlot. Dancing.”

I snuck a peek over at Bon Bon. We’re pretty solid, and she certainly knew about Lyra and I, but some ponies get weird when former lovers take nostalgia trips together. There was less betrayal on her face and more horrified shock, like a foal who just got told that Celestia wasn’t the one putting the presents under the tree at Hearth’s Warming. 

“Moonlit strolls?” Bons repeated, incredulously.

“Stop looking so surprised. It’s not as if I don’t know about romance, it’s just not my thing,” I grumped, before again waving my foreleg in Lyra’s direction, a bit more wildly now. “It’s not my fault, anyway. She has eerie Heartstrings powers. They can make a pony do all sorts of weird and sappy things.”

No, really. That family is a bit… strange. There’s no doubt they’re probably one of the most approachable noble families in Canterlot. But, c’mon now. You’re only allowed to decorate your manor with a certain number of amorous statues and hearts before it gets creepy. To say nothing of intimidating. When you’re a teenager trying to figure things out, it’s likely easier to have the disapproving family than one who acts like Celestia floated down from the heavens to bestow a life of eternal bliss when they learn their daughter is dating.

That’s one big dose of pressure.

Then again, having a family with a name synonymous with romance is probably a bit more fun than being in the one equally bound to duty and stoicism.

Maybe I should trade up, before my parents found out about the molesting-Twilight-Sparkle thing.

“Actually, Lyra,” I said, on a whim, “marry me? Your parents will understand.”

Lyra froze, midway through sipping through a straw. “‘Kay. If Bons is fine with it.”

“No. Bons is not fine with barroom proposals. Not that every mare isn’t flattered to get married so her lover has a convenient place to hide.” Bon Bon at least turned her silent needling away from my beaten self and toward better, mintier targets. “Anyway, don’t encourage her. Last time someone mentioned her family, and she got it in her head to live up to the legacy, it was two solid weeks of fancy dresses and candlelit dinners. Almost had to tie her to a chair after that to have a normal meal at home.”

“What do you mean, almost?” Lyra shot back. “You could have just said something. Eating a carrot casserole without being able to move isn’t easy.”

A self-satisfied little smirk was threatening to creep onto the earth pony’s lips. But she covered it with an airy wave. “You need more practice with your levitation anyway. Workplaces expect certain things from unicorns.”

Uh oh. Work mentions never go well with Lyra. Apparently it was some big thing between them. Lyra is pretty well chronically unemployable, and lives on her parent’s generosity. Bons is a pretty traditional earth pony, so that doesn’t exactly fly with her. This time, I’m sticking with the strengths. I didn’t need another night with tears. “Girls, girls. No arguing. Not until I go get those boots for Bon Bon. Then the arguing becomes much more interesting to watch.”

Bons gave me a flat look—the Twilight Sparkle!—and reached over to push my drink back toward me. “Go back to drowning your sorrow, Cloud.”

Lyra, sulking on her side of me, would not be deterred. “Besides, my family’s ‘legacy’ isn’t something to laugh at. When someone needed to look after the new Princess of Love, who’d Celestia send her to?”

“Yes, you’ve told me the secret princess hoofshake story more than once.” Bon Bon leaned over me, practically squashing me down with that earth pony strength, to place a kiss to Lyra’s cheek. She then nudged Lyra’s drink closer to her. “I love you, but go back to drowning Cloud’s sorrows, sweetie.”

I really can’t say Bons doesn’t give good advice.


+++++



I can’t imagine surviving after being hit by a train is a common event. I was getting a pretty good approximation of how that survivor would feel the next day, though. I woke up with pain throbbing down my muzzle, and pounding through my brain. My wings felt like someone had been dancing on them, and my back was tense enough that I wish they’d move on to that.

I wasn’t sure if that discomfort was the worst thing, or if that honor was held by how my stomach felt like I’d been swallowing sand. Though my tastebuds informed me that it was probably something far more horrible than that.

When I dared to peek my eyes open, I found out that I was in Bon’s bedroom. Hardly a strange or unknown place. Being on the floor by the bed was something new, though.

I groaned in pure, distilled misery and tried to stretch out my aching wing. Note to self: before the next round of binge drinking and barroom singing of sorrowful love songs, teach friends the importance of making sure a drunk pegasus isn’t laying directly on her wing. 

“Serves you right,” thundered a voice from above, reminding me of the last Nightmare Night.

I winced and slowly oozed my way into a lazy sitting position, slumping my head down on top of the bed’s edge. Squinting against the light, I saw Bon Bon glaring at me from the bed. She was cuddled up behind a sitting Lyra, a foreleg around her, with her other hoof pressing an ice pack to the base of the unicorn’s horn.

“What was with all that biting last night? I told you we weren’t doing that stuff. Lyra has a job interview today. She can’t go with her face and ears all swollen up.” Bons trumpeted, at a whisper. Somehow.

Lyra actually looked a little hopeful when talk about skipping the interview came up. “Um, Bons? That ice is a little cold, maybe…” Lyra’s thankfully barely audible whisper ended with a squeak with Bon Bon scoldingly prodded her side.

“Stop being devious,” Bon Bon said firmly, like a house-shaking crash of thunder. “You’re going, even with the bruises. So best let me take care of you.”

Meanwhile, it was taking me what I’m sure was an absurdly embarrassing amount of time to puzzle out why I’d suddenly turn into a biter when drunk. Drunk sex is pretty well against the rules, so I can’t say I do it too often. I could pretty much assume Lyra and Bons were pro-banging though, so I didn’t have to worry about bad decisions being made, or regrets. I still had enough experience to know that getting some drinks in me tended to make me happily friendly and affectionate.

The answer came to be less as a bolt from the blue, and more riding on the shell of a particularly laid-back snail. I groaned and shut my eyes, putting myself back into blissful darkness. “Right. No more drinking and using my new and terrifying powers.”

“Powers?” the skull-shattering voice of the universe, or Bons, bellowed.

I winced, folding my ears tightly back. I was sure she was doing that on purpose, the nag. “Look, I’m sorry. But can we wait to talk until after breakfast? Or at least have the mercy to just put me out of my misery, rather than talking?”

Luckily, for all her infinite cruelty, Bon Bon chose to allow me the first option. So a shower and half of Bon’s bottle of mouthwash later, I was breathing in the steam from some incredibly strong black coffee. It would power me to Sugarcube Corner later, and to Pinkie’s hangover cure. In reward, explanations were provided. Very quiet explanations.

“So,” Lyra whispered to me conspiratorially, “know the pressure-pointy nerve spots for earth ponies?”

I started to shake my head, but the way the world began to perilously spin made me stop pretty quickly. “Not yet. We’ll see after the Great Apology of 1001. Wish I could rule out me being left as just four smoking horseshoes after trying.” No that I wear any. But hey, wizards. You never know.

“I bet it’s the hooves.” Lyra concluded after a moment of thought. “Makes sense, right? Touching the ground and all.”

She made a surreptitious glance toward Bon Bon and slid the ice pack from her forehead, pressing a hoof there to try to warm the spot back up. Predictably, Bons was at her side a few seconds later to put the ice back in place without a word. Lyra obediently held it there.

I took a sip of my coffee and diplomatically said nothing on the topic. “So, job interview?”

Lyra sighed, theatrically. “Not an interview, exactly. Just… meeting with the headmaster from one of the local schools. Colgate had this idea of me doing talks on musical history and…” She shrugged, listlessly. “It’s a hoof-in-the-door thing, I guess.”

“There are much better uses for your hooves,” I pointed out, unhelpfully. Seemingly the coffee was working, I was feeling more like myself.

“Bons isn’t quite as easy to distract with them as you are, unfortunately,” she shot back.

Bon Bon set a heaping plate of scrambled eggs and sliced tomatoes on the table between us. “Sure I am. I just don’t forget the important things afterward.” She gave Lyra a sweet little nuzzle on the cheek. “Sabotage aside, I’m really happy that you’re finally giving it a go, Lyra.”

That seemed to instantly brighten Lyra up, while I stewed in my guilt. One, or both, of those things in turn had her girlfriend humming on her way to get her next plate. I wasn’t the most sappy pony in the world, but I could recognize a cute couple when I saw one.

Lyra’s mood was buoyed enough that she actually levitated some sugarcubes over for her tea, rather than spooning them in with her mouth. I didn’t get to see that gold magic enough. She was pretty dismal at basic levitation. Or anything magical, really. Still, she usually kicked herself about it far more than she deserved. What she could do was usually handled pretty deftly. Playing the lyre with magical fingers isn’t something that could be done without a bit of grace...ful…ness.

I need to have horrible hangovers and abuse my loved ones more often. It apparently leads to brilliance.

“Lyra, sweetie, go brush your hair and coat out, okay? You’re not meeting this headmaster of yours.”

“I’m not?” Lyra’s voice contained more than a little upswing of hope.

“Oh yesh she ish.” Bon Bon stated mushily, around the next plate she was bringing to the table.


+++++



I was trying to smooth down an unruly lock of the nervously fidgeting Lyra’s mane when Rarity opened her front door. A few bells fixed above the door merrily sang away. I hadn’t noticed that yesterday. Goes to show what sort of mood I’d been in, when hangover-me is more perceptive.

“Miss Cloud Kicker,” Rarity said, by way of greeting. She gave me a look over, a tiny bit of a frown pulling at her lips. She herself had a bit of dark puffiness to her eyes. Clearly she’d been working late. Even so, she looked gorgeous. Every strand of her mane in perfect place. Her make-up expertly applied.

I brushed at my own mane with a hoof, to satisfy a spike of self-consciousness. “Sorry, hard night.”

For whatever reason, that swung Rarity’s expression from disapproval toward sympathy. “Affairs of the heart aren’t to be taken lightly. Twilight is still locked away in her library. I tried to visit her this morning.” She stepped to the side and made a beckoning motion with a hoof. “Come in, have some tea.”

I gave an aborted shake of my head. “I’d love to have a chance to vent my woes, believe me.” Well, another chance. Some problems require a lot of complaining. “But I have to get to work. I’m actually here to help you.”

“Me? Whatever with?”

“Rarity, meet Lyra Heartstrings. She’s a musician with magical dexterity to spare. She’s perfect model-material. And best of all, she’s looking for wor—”

I didn’t get to finish that. Rarity cut right in, “Of the Canterlot Heartstrings?”

Lyra perked up, nodding her head. “The one and only.”

“The same family that Tempered Hearts, The Rise of Love and To Chase the Sun are based on?”

Looking a little overwhelmed by the barrage of titles, Lyra answered, “Yeah, we do tend to show up in a lot of courtly romance novels.” She raised a hoof to scratch uncomfortably at the back of her neck. “There’s usually a story behind all of them. But don’t go asking me too much about The Rise of Love. That one’s about how my parents met. Which is neat, normally. But the book is sort of…” She made an indistinct waving gesture with her hoof.

“Titillating? Racey?” Rarity offered, voice dropping an octave.

Lyra nodded reluctantly. She changed the subject almost immediately. “To Chase the Sun is probably my favorite. It’s not really true. Obviously Celestia never got married, but Grandpa Gallant really did try to court her. And the Shine family did raise that mob to try to run him out of Canterlot. From the way he told it…”

I made my escape at that point. Romance novels are one of those subjects you just didn’t want to get into with Lyra. It was looking like Rarity was the same. I doubt either of them noticed me skulking off. They’d do just fine, I figured.

The conversation was absurd anyway. Everypony knows that Celestia only had eyes for Shadow. Celestia was the original Kickersexual. And once you go Kicker, at others you’ll snicker. 

Hey, not bad for a pony with a hangover.

With a new spring in my step—or at least less of a lurch—I headed off down the main street. Pinkie’s Party Panacea first, then it was time to face the adorkable music, then work, if I survived the librarian’s wrath.

The current plan was to spend a lot of time on my knees blubbering for forgiveness over what an utter, absolute mule I was. There might be crying. And I’d have to mention lessons and friendship, apparently. Advice is advice.

Honestly, I was feeling optimistic. I fixed Lyra’s whole life with one swoop. Rarity will presumably owe me one. Bon Bon is going to be incredibly appreciative for finding Lyra respectable employment. And apparently I’m at my best with a pounding headache. Which I’m hoping will stay after one of Pinkie’s miracle morning-after cures. 

Bring on the traumatized national heroes, Equestria! Cloudy’s got this.

I was halfway to Sugarcube Corner when a rainbow missile flew down at me at a lethal speed. I shrieked in a way that was sure to do my noble ancestors proud and fell back onto my rump. In the mud. I almost repeated my marely scream from the cold stabbing away at a very sensitive place.

I’ll give Rainbow points for something. Not tact or empathy or brilliance or whatever trait involves not knocking your friends into freezing mud. But she was certainly one hell of a flyer. She managed to stop from an absurd speed to hovering almost muzzle-to-muzzle with me in barely more than a pony-length. Those eyes of hers are actually a bit intimidating when they’re right up on you like that.

A hoof reached out to prod me dead-center in the chest.

“Cloud. Pack your bags. You’re leaving Ponyville. Today.”

Seriously, world?
> The Rewards of Kicking Flank
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It was just a kiss! I didn’t ravish her!” I protested, desperately, to my apparently murderous boss. “And I was going to apologize and everything. You don’t have to freak out like this.”

Rainbow blinked in confusion. Her wings missed a beat, making her drop slightly in the air. “Huh?”

“What?”

She pressed a hoof between her eyes, groaning. “I get too much of this sort of craziness from Pinkie already. Don’t you start, too.”

“You have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.” Hoof, meet mouth. “You’re not even mad, are you?”

Her tone filled with suspicion. “Kinda getting there. What am I getting mad about?”

“Nothing!” I chirped, far too quickly. Smooth, Cloudy. She can’t help but buy that.

“Maybe you’d better just tell me, Cloud.” She was clearly trying her best at being the authoritarian mother figure. It was almost funny. Dash is actually a pretty good leader, in an inspirational way. Aside from a secret desire to mushily cuddle that we all pretended not to know about, ‘motherly’ wasn’t the way you’d describe her.

“Don’t worry your colourful little head about it, Boss. It’ll be handled.” I casually stood up and tried to scrape off some mud without making too much of a spectacle of myself. Turning people’s heads with a mud-covered Cloud would probably be okay, on most days—sowing the seeds of future fantasies, and all—but I really wasn’t feeling up to it at that moment. “So, what am I packing my bags for?”

After a few seconds of willful staring, Dash sighed and waved a hoof. “Whatever. I have enough to deal with. Twilight’s locked herself in her library, for some reason. I’m going to see if Spike’s outside the book bubble. He’ll know what’s going on, and he can call Celestia, if Twi’s lost it again. Anyway—”

A chill went down my spine. My wings quivered. In a moment of insanity, I considered telling Dash everything, just to avoid the possibility of Princess Celestia showing up to hear this one.

“—what I wanted to tell you was that I need somepony to stand in for me at the weather conference.” 

My brain changed tracks so quickly that it almost jumped the rails entirely. I slapped on a confident smile. “Need me to work my charms on the administrators, huh? You sure you want to do that, Boss? A bunch of stuffy, sheltered bureaucrats? Seems almost unfair. They won’t know what hit them.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. I’m so unappreciated in my time. “Sure, whatever. I’d do it myself, but with the dragon migration coming up, I don’t want to leave. Flu—err—the town’ll need a pony with some backbone to protect it. Naturally, that should be me.”

Smoothness all around, today. Even so, I admit I felt my hackles rising at that nearly spoken name. You’d think it would get easier, over the years. I kept my voice casual, at least. “Don’t sweat it. Eepy’ll need somepony around who she can trust.” I motioned with my wing in the direction I’d been headed. “Tell you what, why don’t you go ask Pinkie if she knows what the deal with Twilight is? We can catch each other for some dinner, and you can fill me in on the conference.”

The dopey grin that appeared on Dash’s face at the mention of Pinkie was as funny as it was predictable. Sending Pinkie on the trail of an unhappy pony was a gamble. If anyone could get through that shield, it was her. But I was banking that the two love-blind ponies would spend at least an hour staring longingly into each other’s eyes... or going for a quick bang, at least.

“Yeah, great idea. I’ve got an awesome plan for the conference,” Dash agreed, unsurprisingly. “I’ll catch you around sunset.”

I waited for Dash to zip out of sight around the corner, then galloped off toward the library. I had hope, sure, but I wasn’t going to be banking on Miss Ten-Seconds-Flat keeping Pinkie occupied for long in the bedroom.


+++++



It turned out I had some important poking-at-the-shield-with-my-hoof to do.

I took a page from Lyra’s book on door-knocking etiquette and started to cycle through every irritating march I could remember from West Hoof. The shield made a strange, wobbling reverberation with every prod. I was lucky that Twilight wasn’t the type to make her shield sting to the touch. It even had some give. I tried to pick a beat that made the rippling build with each poke.

I was having some pretty good luck with Sunrise over Equestria when the front door suddenly burst open. Twilight Sparkle practically stalked over to the edge of the force field. She was cute even when she was all but snorting with anger.

“Will you stop that!?” Twilight said. “It’s like having somepony tap me on the back of the head for an hour!”

“Sorry. I heard you were avoiding everypony.” I inclined my head toward the open door. “Can we talk?”

Twilight gave me a look that could melt lead. I’m sure I survived only by virtue of the shield spell. I couldn’t help but squirm and look away. “Why would I want to talk to such a… a…” She couldn’t find the right word, which only seemed to make things worse. She stomped her hoof a few times.

“A nag? A bitch? A liar? A creep?” I offered.

“Yes! All of those!” She jabbed a hoof toward me, almost hitting the shield herself. “So why would I let you in?”

“First, because if you don’t, you’ll miss out on some really satisfying grovelling and hoof-kissing. Second, otherwise I’ll keep poking.” I motioned behind me with my wing. “Third, everypony in town is watching.”

I didn’t even have to look. I knew that the second Twilight looked past me, two dozen ponies suddenly found other things around the street very interesting.

The events of the following seconds will forever be a jumble to me. All I can remember is a sudden yanking sensation, and the next thing I knew, I was skidding forward on my face, my rump in the air. 

Unicorn magic and panic don’t mix too well; unicorn magic, panic, and a hangover are even worse, as an interesting factoid. She hadn’t intended to be so rough, judging by the surprised, embarrassed look on her face.

At least I was inside the bubble.

I groaned as I tried to get my bearings. I was so messed up that I couldn’t even enjoy her little trot back toward the library. That alone made me suspect serious brain damage.

Getting up took a few tries. As it turns out, being yanked across the ground by telekinesis really sucked dock when you still had a hangover. I coughed, wincing from the pain lancing through my head each time, and wiped the dust from my face. I stumbled towards the door, very pointedly trying not to catch sight of myself in the reflection of the windows. I imagine I looked more charming than usual, with my face and chest covered in dust, and my rump and tail all muddy.

Maybe I’d look just wretched and pathetic enough that she couldn’t help but forgive me. Just to prevent me from becoming even more wretched.

Twilight sat down by the stump-table at the center of the library, pinning me with a sullen glare. Maybe my shameless play at pity worked, because after a few seconds, she looked away. “Do you even know what you did?”

I didn’t really need to think about it; I’d been beating myself up about it since yesterday. “I stole your first kiss.”

Twilight looked back up with a start. One of her ears folded back as she gave a little nod of her head. “Yeah. It’s supposed to be something special. Something on my terms. Not—”

“—some player doing it without asking,” I finished for her.

Her brow furrowed, and she sat up straighter. “So if you know what you did wrong so well, why did you do it to begin with?!” she snapped.

I went around the table, nearer to her, and settled onto my haunches. Only as close as I could get before she started to seem uncomfortable, a little out of foreleg’s reach. “Because as it turns out, I like you. I think you’re clever, cute, just the right sort of naive, and surprisingly forceful, despite that.” She didn’t seem to know how to take all that, so I just carried right along. “And it doesn’t help that you’re really, really pretty. That part kind of makes fools of all of us.”

She blushed. Of course she blushed. Because life apparently knew my weaknesses and was going for blood. Still, just because she was embarrassed didn’t mean she was any less angry. “So me being pretty or attractive justifies you doing whatever you want?”

I cringed. I didn’t think I could actually come out of this seeming like even more of a mule, but there we were. I had to really bite back the urge to get defensive. Who could blame me? Even with my best efforts, I’m sure my tone was strained.

“Look, I’m not justifying anything,” I said. “I like you. I’m far too used to being really forward with ponies I like. It’s usually the best approach. In this situation, it was stupid, and I don’t have any excuse for that.”

“Well, ‘forward’ won’t get you anything. I’m not interested in mating.”

From those little sounds she was making when I kissed her, I had my doubts. “I’m not all about banging, you know? We spent enough time together for you to see that.”

Twilight scrunched up her muzzle in adorable distaste. “Don’t call it ‘banging’. That sounds incredibly immature.”

I shrugged. “It’s all the same. Sex. Mating. Fornicating. The horizontal mambo. The beast with four wings. The Pony Pokey—”

I stopped when that last one caused a little twitch in her eye.

“Please don’t ruin foal’s songs for me.”

“But it’s so perfect!” I said in protest. I cleared my throat. “You stick your right hoof in, you pull your right hoof out. You stick your right hoof in…” I pantomimed the actions with the most suggestive motions of my leg that I could manage. “... and you shake it all about.” 

Before I could indirectly instruct Twilight Sparkle in some very valuable techniques, her horn lit up. My hoof promptly froze in place.

“No! No shaking,” she said, with a note of desperation.

Maybe Twilight was rubbing off on me (though not in the fun way, unfortunately), because I couldn’t help but experiment. I quickly ran through a whole suite of magic resistance exercises. Everything from mental exercises picturing the magic flowing off of me, to acting as if I was about to hit a cloud, which was supposed to focus my own magic in the proper area to ward off hers. Nothing. My hoof might as well have been encased in stone. Sort of tingly stone.

Alpha-level unicorns like Twilight were downright intimidating. Assuming she was even still on the scale. There were rumors. Not that a constant flow of wild rumors was unusual; a little town like Ponyville runs on them.

My thoughts on sort-of intimidating little librarian mares must have crept into my expression. Twilight made a frustrated sound and let go of me.

“Is there anything that doesn’t get you riled up?"

“Sure, but nothing I can see you doing,” I replied.

The venom in the look she gave me was not promising. Teasing probably wasn’t the best approach, either. Talk about taking away a girl’s options. Luckily, I still had a few others. What did it say about my situation that I was about to take advice on tricky emotional situations from a little kid?

Behold, Cloud Kicker, the most charming pony in Ponyville.

“Sorry. Let’s just start again?” I didn’t wait for her to nod, or to reject the thought, which was probably more likely. “I really enjoyed the time we spent together these last few days. And I think you did too, right?”

She nodded her head reluctantly. “Yeah. At first.”

“That I was a mule isn’t in dispute.” I took a quick glance around to make sure one of them wasn’t around, and was spared the need to add ‘no offense’, this time. “All I’m saying is that I learned we can get along really well. And if you don’t want to take it further, then… I’d be happy to have another great friend.”

Spike was good. The second I said the word, those icy eyes thawed considerably. I wish I could say ‘all the way’, but that was asking a bit much.

It took her a few moments to gather her thoughts. I let her have them; she seemed like the sort of pony who was at her best when she had time to work through things. “You aren’t the pony I thought you’d be, after what Dash told me,” she said, eventually. “Well, you are, in a way.” She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t understand the obsession with sex. What’s the point? It’s all so shallow and greedy.”

Aww, aren’t virgins cute?

“I’m surprised you think of Pinkie that way.” I cringed the second I said it. Okay, maybe I still wasn’t at my best. That sort of thing was exactly how I ended up in this situation to begin with, with my Celestia comment at the party.

Predictably, Twilight freaked. I swear, I started to see smoke rising from her. Maybe it was my impending sense of doom making me hallucinate. “Pinkie doesn’t act like that!” 

I raised my hoof in a calming gesture. I could salvage this, I just had to stay calm. “Sure she does. Ask her and she’ll tell you, flat-out. You know Pinkie.” I shook my head quickly, when her muzzle scrunched up in distaste or anger again. “But that isn’t really what I meant. Pinkie is happy when other ponies are happy. It’s why she gets up in the morning. And it’s just about the most beautiful thing in the world.”

“So, you’re saying you do it for the same reason that Pinkie does it?” she asked, skeptically.

I shook my hoof in a wishy-washy gesture. “Well, that’s part of it. It’s fun for me. It’s fun for them. Everypony ends up happy and having a great time. And if you’re careful, there’s no harm done for anypony. There’s more to it, of course. It’s the best stress relief. The closeness and intimacy. But for the most part, yeah, it’s just something positive for all parties.”

A frown creased Twilight’s lips, but it wasn’t an angry one. She was puzzling things out intently. I almost wanted to close my eyes. She couldn’t do anything without being cute. One of her ears twitched back to the tune of the cogs spinning in her head. Again, I gave that mental machinery time to do its thing.

After a while, she slowly nodded her head. “I see. That’s…” She bit her lip, searching for the proper word. “... fine. But it doesn’t mean you can just kiss ponies.”

Well, at least a great deal of the fire was gone from her voice. “Nope. But it does mean that I wasn’t out to do it for horrible reasons.” I reached out a hoof and placed it delicately against her chest. “Just to make us both happy. And because I like you, and want to be closer.”

She didn’t retreat. Somehow, I didn’t think that was because she was sold on the idea. She shook her head. “I can’t. Even if I wanted to—which I don’t!” I almost snickered at how quickly she corrected herself. “I have my family to think of.”
 
“The more the merrier. They can join in too,” I answered with a grin. “S’too bad that I hear from minty sources that Shining Armor proposed to Princess Cadance recently. But maybe she’ll spare him. Princess of Love and all. Never know, right?”

“P-proposed!?”


+++++



“... Signed, Shiny.” Spike finished his recitation of a thorough apology. Honestly, I think my annoy-then-flail-through-an-explanation approach was better, considering…

“Don’t you ‘Shiny’ me!” Twilight shrieked, jabbing her hoof at the letter Spike had disturbingly coughed up a few moments before. She was so focused on the letter that I don’t think she saw Spike roll his eyes.

I had to give Twilight points for restraint. She’d been working up to a pretty impressive head of frothing rage in the half-hour since she’d sent her scathing letter to her brother. I’ll admit to feeling a certain dark satisfaction. Maybe Dad would get the job he deserved after Twilight turned Shining Armor into a potted petunia. 

After the first five or ten minutes of ranting, weirdly unburning fire had started to lick around her mane and tail. That was about when I relocated to the other side of her, away from the doomed dragony messenger, and placed the table between us, in anticipation of her destroying the returning letter and whatever unfortunate half of Ponyville happened to be behind it. Her reaction to my kiss was downright subdued, in comparison. I’m not sure if I should be insulted by that.

Instead of the cataclysm, all we got was the accusing hoofpoke.

“Busy?! You write him back and tell him that I’ll be too ‘busy’ to speak to him again!” Spike lifted a claw, and started to speak. Twilight stomped right up to his face and shouted, making him backpedal and fall onto his rump. “Ever!”

Considering Spike’s advice had helped me out, I magnanimously winged over to save his life and/or sanity. I settled back down on the floor a close but non-confrontational distance away, hopefully far enough to avoid getting gored if things went badly. Not that her horn was dreadfully impressive, considering. All the pictures of old archmagi and such always have a horn three hooves long and sharpened to a killing point. Twi’s was all cute, stubby, and just the perfect size to…

Actually, yeah, bad time to be going there.

“Twilight, relax and take a breath, okay?” She spun around to face me, teeth gritted. I’d have cowered, but I was actually marvelling at the fact that she could make a face that wasn’t heart-meltingly adorkable. “Shining Armor was probably waiting for a better time to tell you, in person. You probably would have gotten some invitation over the next few days. Cue the big surprising reveal. And all the hugging. The only reason I heard is because the Heartstrings family is close to Princess Cadance.”

And thus Ponyville and all her citizenry were saved. And nopony would ever know of my selfless deed, or give me a proper reward. There was no justice. Twilight took that breath, and the rage drained out of her. It wasn’t hard to see it happen, with the creepy fire going out.

“He still should have told me,” she grumped. In the next few seconds, her expression brightened into a huge, beaming grin. I was worried she would hurt her face. She did a little hoof-stepping potty-dance. My heart seized up. Mark my words, Equestria, she would be mine. Oh yes, she would be mine. “Shiny is marrying Cadance!”


+++++


It was a few hours (and one bath) later, and I think I was still in shock about the little hopping unicorn, and the prancing that had followed when she realized her brother was marrying the mare who was apparently her childhood foalsitter.

Things had progressed more or less in the direction of a celebration after that, with the addition of a few other ponies. It was really just a lot of swapping stories, getting hyped up over the eventual wedding, and more than a little giggling at Shining Armor’s panicked letters.

But it was quiet now. Peaceful.

Rarity had left a few minutes earlier, begging off with talk of an early morning. It spared me her knowing glances whenever she spotted me and Twilight chatting. To say nothing of that one practically killing glare she gave me when she caught me admiring the sight of her trying to teach Pinkie to waltz.

It was totally unfair, since Spike was practically drooling over the same sight. But I guess that in her mind, Twilight and I were hitched. That would need to be sorted out some other evening. There’s a world of difference between ‘crush’ and ‘committed, monogamous relationship’. 

The other ponies (and dragon) in attendance had all left the party in their own way. Spike was cuddled up around an ice cream carton, spoon still clutched in his claw, a bit of melted chocolate cream escaping to puddle on the floor by his cheek. Pinkie, in her usual fashion, had found that source of dragony warmth to squeeze after her own sugar crash. And, so as not to be left out, Rainbow Dash’s muzzle was buried in the pink fluff on the back of Pinkie’s neck.

I might have made a joke about it all, but it was actually very… homey. There was something very sweet and comfortable about the whole thing. Twilight’s shoulder bumped against mine as she leaned into me. The contented expression she wore made me conscious of the sappy twist to my own lips.

“It’s not so bad just being a friend, is it?” She gestured toward the pony-pile with her muzzle. “This is why I stayed in Ponyville. And why I never regret it.”

It was all too easy, looking at the affection in her eyes, to think of Blossom, Lyra, Bons, or even those ponies happily sleeping across the room. She must have seen the same thing in mine, because there wasn’t any hint of skepticism from her when I smiled serenely and nodded my head.

My wing unfurled practically of its own accord, and curled around the wondrously soft little mare beside me. She stiffened, for a moment. To my eternal delight, she eventually loosened up and even leaned more heavily against me. Maybe the scene had made her just as hungry for closeness as me. Hay, maybe she was even warming up to the Kicker charm.

“You’re not allowed to kiss me,” she murmured.

Or maybe not.

“So paranoid.” Internally, I was sulking, of course. She was so intensely kissable, at that moment… like every other moment, honestly. But I had already made one featherbrained mistake, and I least prided myself on trying to learn from my blunders. Still, it was good to be near her. She was right about one thing: being a friend was still great. If significantly less great than the alternative. It was probably my fate to be ‘just friends’ with mares who shared Blossom’s manecut.

I dipped my muzzle to brush my nose against that ruler-straight mane. “Yeah. We’re going to the spa to get you a new style.” Take that, fate. You’ve met your match with Cloud Kicker.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head. “So, you never did get around to telling me why you had a foalsitter who just so happened to be a princess.” That topic of conversation had abruptly come to an end with Rarity’s breezy arrival, hours before.

“I was just lucky. Really, really lucky. Cadance loves children. And Princess Celestia thought it was a good idea for her to have responsibilities.” The corner of Twilight’s mouth curled upward. “Maybe having a big crush on Shiny had something to do with it, too. But either way, she was the best. We’d read, or explore Canterlot, or play. We even had a secret greeting.”

My ear twitched. “Lyra mentioned that too. Like a secret hoofshake. It’s got me curious now. C’mon, Lyra gets all self-conscious and won’t let me see. Show me?” I offered up my best puppy-dog eyes. No mere socially inexperienced librarian could stand against it.


+++++



Lyra was in heaven. You could tell from her far-away gaze and lidded eyes. I was surprised her tongue wasn’t lolling out. Bons was on top of her—always a good start to any evening—working her hooves into Lyra’s back. Normally, I’d waste time being disappointed that I didn’t crash anything more racy. This time, however, I was on a mission. I flung open their living room window and plowed inside.

In shock, Lyra shot up, at least until she met the resistance of her marefriend and collapsed back down, unable to dislodge her. Bon Bon was a sturdy mare. Lyra… well… I worried about her when we had a particularly strong breeze scheduled.

“Lyra, did she touch you!?” I was pissed. Sue me for being a bit less than informative.

“W-what?” Golden eyes blinked in puzzlement. “Yes? Bons is giving me a massage. Right now. In plain view. To reward me for working with Rarity today. It went gre—”

I made a slashing motion with a hoof. “No, not her. I meant that… that… that thing. That princess who doesn’t deserve her title at all.”

“Luna?” Bons asked.

“Cadance,” I hissed.

“Hey!” Lyra unsuccessfully tried to get up again. She glared at Bons, who smiled sweetly in return and stayed right where she was. Lyra, being Lyra, surrendered the point instantly, and turned to glare at me instead. “Cadance is amazing! She’s basically the greatest princess. Ever.”

“Sunshine, sunshine,” I growled. “Ladybugs awake.”

“Clap your hooves and do a little shake?” Lyra responded, uncertainly. Incriminatingly, she give her minty hindquarters a wiggle under Bon Bon.

“I knew it!” I stomped a hoof. “Teaching little fillies to do that is sick! If I ever see that weirdo, I’m going to buck her creepy face in!”

I spun around and took to the air. I didn’t hear Bons climbing off the couch, or really notice her at all, until a hoof tapped against the underside of my wing on a downstroke. I plowed face-first into the carpet in short order. Teeth took hold of my tail and dragged me away from the window, toward the couch.

“I get one mare fixed and the other goes nutsh,” Bons slurred around a mouthful of my tail. She let go of me once she’d dragged me beside Lyra.

“I don’t have time for this, I’ve got to figure out who to tell ab—” I began, rubbing at my carpet-burned muzzle and preparing to get up. The words faded into a groan of ecstasy as strong hooves found knots in my shoulders. My noble fight to keep from completely melting under Bons lasted for maybe five seconds.

Earth ponies are such cheaters.

With Bons working my muscles like her taffy, and Lyra delicately peppering my muzzle with kisses, I was in no position to avoid spilling everything about how my day went, when they asked. Every mistake, every secret disappointment about being stuck as a friend, everything. Maybe it was devious earth pony magic. Maybe it was relief that I hadn’t irreparably bucked everything up. Maybe it was friendship. Or even love.

Maybe I was just ready to talk.

Either way, by the time I was getting ready to head to Cloudsdale the next day, I felt a lot lighter, and far readier for it.


+++++



As it turned out, while I swept the Weather Conference in Cloudsdale, impressing bureaucrats with intelligence, verve, and natural animal allure—to say nothing of boundless modesty—I was less ready for the nightlife.

Well, that’s not exactly true. After having beautiful archmagus librarians dancing around in my head for days, I couldn’t have been any more ready for a fillyfooler bar. 

I was even ready for the annoyance on my path to an excellent evening, in the form of three moronic blasts from my past who were dumb enough to crash a fillyfooler bar and insult Derpy. It was practically a ticket for the conquering hero to choose whatever pretty colour of tail caught my fancy that night—purple, probably—after I took out the trash.

What I wasn’t prepared for was cashing that ticket in for the flowing starscape tail of a rowdy alicorn.

“A most excellent vintage!” Princess Luna happily declared, slamming her mug down on the table with a puff of cloud. “Another!”

I had just finished gulping down my mug in her honor when she was already calling out for the next. If she was buying, after she found out I was from Ponyville, who was I to say no? It was actually a shame to guzzle it back. It was really good stuff. Apple Family aged cider. It was expensive enough that you could barely find it in Ponyville, a stone’s throw from the source. There wasn’t enough of a market.

Honestly, I’m of the opinion that when a princess buys you cider, you drink the cider. With the memory of my last hangover pretty firmly in mind, I decided that nopony actually said how fast you need to drink it. When the next round arrived, I took a moment to try and slow things down to a more sane speed. When that mug was lifting up toward deliciously divine, dusky lips, I lifted mine as well, but for a different reason. “To adorkable hero librarians,” I toasted. Hay, maybe toasting wasn’t a tradition in olden pony times, but I was wagering that proper drinking was at least as old as Equestria. It probably came into practice shortly after the invention of beating other ponies about the head and stealing their mares.

Luna’s hoof paused, thank… well… Luna, I guess.

She actually nodded solemnly. “A most excellent vintage is indeed a match for an even more excellent mare.” She tapped her mug against mine. “Thou knowest Twilight Sparkle?”

I grinned. I figured playing up the Ponyville connection would help to break the ice, and get mouths used for something other than drinking. Even princesses aren’t immune to my devious cunning. “More and more,” I said. “I had the dubious privilege of being the one to inform her that her brother is getting married. Apparently, nopony else saw fit to.”

Luna made a face like she’d bitten into something sour. It was a very natural look, really, muzzle scrunching up and everything. It just wasn’t the sort of expression you normally associated with an alicorn. Maybe we were all too accustomed to the serene face of Celestia looking out at us from coins and murals. “We can imagine it was the fault of that nag, Cadance,” she said. “Our sister speaks of her as if she were the pinnacle of virtue, but we have found her to be a trial beyond bearing, in recent months.”

“I knew it. Princess of Love, my pretty flank.” She looked. I so knew she would. Fair enough, I had spent more than a little time admiring that sleek, doe-like, uniquely alicorn form. Just not as much as I’d like. “Have you ever seen what she teaches foals to do? I did, and let me tell you…”

And so it went. Trading bits of gossip. Giggling like school fillies. Flirting and moony eyes (pun intended). Coy little ‘casual’ brushes of hoof on leg. A date, probably the most normal date I’ve had in ages.

With an alicorn.

Buck you, Mom. Did your oh-so-loyal service to the Guard ever net you an alicorn daintily nuzzling at the base of your ear, while pretending to actually give enough of a flying feather about the secrecy of her fillyhood nickname for Celestia to whisper it?

I was enjoying that thought when she paused. “We see that thou hast barely touched thy drink,” she accused in a playful whisper, her breath hot against my ear. “Have we distracted thee so, Cloud Kicker?”

I kept my voice from quivering, even when Luna somehow managed to make my name sound like a lover whispering sweet nothings. “It’s incredible cider.” Keep standing strong, Cloudy. And hay, go for broke. “The company is better.”

Luna laughed, I felt soft feathers stroke across my back as a wing tugged at me. “Then come, escort thy Princess, and bask in said company.”


+++++



I was having a moonlit walk through Cloudsdale with the bucking Princess of the Moon.

There really is no way I can actually make that statement any better than it is on its own. Or at least, I would have thought so, until a beautifully long leg brushed against mine, and thick feathers touched my side.

I was having a moonlit walk through Cloudsdale with the bucking Princess of the Moon. Who was totally into me. And couldn’t keep her hooves off me.

And it wasn’t just that; the night was perfect. There was just enough of a cool bite in the breeze to be a relief after the heat and close confines of the bar. The clouds wisped underhoof, making no sound as we walked, giving the whole scene an atmosphere of mystic silence that you couldn’t get on the ground. The real important part, though? The moon seemed larger and brighter than it had been when I went inside the bar. It cast a silvery glow over everything, throwing the brightness of the city even more in contrast against the darkness of the surrounding sky. I took private pleasure in thinking she’d done that just for me.

I’m sure I could be forgiven for those flights of fancy. Just being there with her was pure magic. Her dark coat somehow seemed to catch the light from above, giving her an otherworldly cast. It was a sense that she was more beautifully real, more defined than anything else around her. In her domain, her natural element, she just… stood out from everything else, like a second, raised layer to a painting.

And to think, in the mundane confines of the bar, I’d only been admiring her legs and moon-adorned rump.

“Thou art very little like the others of thy clan that we have met,” Luna said, breaking me out of my revery.

“All the fun and charm that wasn’t being used had to go somewhere,” I explained, automatically. It wasn’t my first time tackling that observation. “My family has a well-deserved reputation for being… serious.” That’s about as nicely as I could dress up ‘boring’.

Luna clearly read between the lines, because she giggled. It was a far more light and fillyish sound than I’d expected, considering her usual volume. It was actually very sweet; I found myself grinning when I heard it.

“Then thou aren’t a warrior-mare, as thy kin?” She put on a thoughtful pout. I was no amateur at this game. She was about to goad and tease me. “‘Tis a shame. We were hoping to see if the legend of the Kickers—who stood alone ‘gainst those loyal to my shadow’s shadow—would prove true.”

Maybe it was the two mugs of cider bolstering my courage. Maybe it was some Cloud Kicker intuition kicking in, reminding me she was far more of a rough-and-tumble, playful mare than one would expect from a princess. Either way, I was more than willing to accept that challenge.

I glanced to the side, choosing a soaring column of dense structural cloud. It was the sort of cloud worked and processed to be difficult to readily alter. I shot out my right wing, pushing it right through the pillar with relative ease. I could feel the cloudstuff trying to resist, the result of the ingrained efforts of the pegasi who had built it to begin with. It didn’t really slow me as I swept my wing forward through it, yanking out a dense, wet hunk of that whiteness, keeping it scooped in my curled feathers.

There are occasions when having a special talent for cloud manipulation comes in handy.

Luna was curiously turning her head to see why I’d stopped, when she got a faceful of cloud. I’d loosened it enough that the dense vapor scattered in a thick, spreading fog as it puffed against her cute, building look of shock.

The guards were still trying to figure out what was going on when I kicked out my rear hooves. The base cloud layer of Cloudsdale is pretty stable, but it isn’t immutable. It had just enough of a lingering charge to do what I wanted. I closed my eyes just before the darkness of the night was replaced by a fierce flash and a roll of thunder.

I heard two shouts. One was a brief cry of alarm as the flash dazzled the far guard. The other was a drawn out wail as my kick loosened the cloud beneath the nearer guard’s hooves too much to support him, and he dropped below the city.

I beat my wings hard enough that it almost hurt, but my reward was to shoot into the air in a way that probably would have made Dash proud. “You can still find out, Princess!” I called back to her, shouting to be heard over the panicking guards and my own rapidly increasing distance.

I couldn’t make out Luna’s words as she tried to rally her disoriented guard. The important part was the note of joyful amusement and excitement in her voice. It would have been nice to hear, but really, I was facing two armored ponies and one goddess. Far odds rarely improve by lazily loafing around.

I plunged below the base layer, making a big, obvious bank to one side as I did. I immediately tilted my angle of flight into a far steeper dive. I found a bank of softer clouds and dove into it. Doing that without leaving an obvious hole, or dispersing the cloud, was no easy feat. But, yeah, cloud manipulation, try to keep up. My wings swept up the moisture of my passage and reshaped it into a pristine white cover over myself. 

I peered up through a foggy, minimal shield of cloud I kept around at eye level. Luna and one of her guards winged past, heading in the direction I had turned before vanishing from their line of sight. Several seconds later, the second guard, the one who had fallen through the city, swooped by as well. 

He was my target.

I broke free from my hiding place once I was confident that he wouldn’t see me. My wings propelled me upward with a strength I’ve barely used since West Hoof. I pride myself on being one of the best fliers in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash obviously excluded. It wasn’t even hard to catch up to him. He was armored and taking the time to scan through the streets.

I came at him from above, like a bird of prey, slamming into him with enough force to make him drop a few ponylengths, but not enough to knock him out of the air. I wrapped my hind legs around his middle, and a foreleg around his neck. I trapped his muzzle in the elbow of the other. My wings shot out to stabilize the flight that he couldn’t continue with me twined around him.

He squirmed and thrashed under me in a way that was both pleasant and familiar. But it was all business with Cloudy. Okay, at some point, I might have nibbled on his ear flirtily, but that’s really my word against his. Either way, most of my attention was on doing exactly what I learned not to do when playing rough with my banging buddies: I squeezed down against the sides of his neck and tightened my covering of his muzzle. The former was the hard part. I had to half pull off the overlapping criniere guarding the side of his neck before I could get a good enough grip. Who needs martial arts like Krav Pega when you have Drunken Groping style?

Bruises were exchanged. My belly, chest, and parts unmentionable got pinched far more than I’d like by his armor. But in the end, I glided down to the street with an unconscious Night Guard in a sleeper hold. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, too.

A few ponies looked on, aghast. I waved at them, once the groaning and rapidly waking guard was securely deposited face-first in a nearby cloud bank. “Just playing with Princess Luna!” I called out in explanation, thereby cementing my reputation around town tomorrow.

Or adding a lot of witnesses to really solidify that jail time. I was sort of hoping Luna would be a good sport about things.

Luckily, I didn’t spend a lot of time worrying. Unluckily, that was mostly due to the fact that the other Night Guard barrelled into me in a way embarrassingly like how I took down the first guard. He even wrapped his legs around me, albeit not in nearly so dangerous a way, or as tight. He was probably worried about hurting a civilian, when it really was just a game.

Probably a game, anyway. 

Please-oh-please be a game.

His grip was loose enough that I could spin around in his grasp. It’s not an easy thing to do when you’re in the air and being held restrictively, but let’s just say I was prepared by prior experience. Bons gets… creative when she gets it in her mind to be all head-mareish.

I wrapped my forelegs around him in turn. The surprised look on his face was pretty precious. Doubly so once we began to drop rapidly, with my hooves interfering with his wingbeats. I hadn’t gained much altitude before he hit me, so we didn’t have far to fall. The plan was to try to get him under me for the impact.

The plan didn’t exactly take into account the fact that he was twice my weight and still had at least some use of his wings.

Clouds are soft. That’s something you learn to appreciate when you first start to fly. And today I just kept right on appreciating it. Even so, the sudden stop and the stallion on top of me drove the air from my lungs pretty effectively.

I spent a few ungraceful moments gasping and choking and refilling my lungs. The guard was kind enough to give me some space to do it, even as he stood overtop me, victoriously.

Once I had my breathing under control again, he dipped his head to gloat. “Really, you didn’t do so ba—”

The gloating was cut off by my lips and a positively scandalous application of tongue. I kind of hoped he wasn’t a coltcuddler, because that would be extra creepy for him. It bought me my moment of shock either way.

Doubly banking on this all being for fun, after his gentle treatment, I didn’t kick him in between the rear legs, even though I could have. Instead, I rewarded his light touch with a firm hoof in the stomach. It was cheap, and excessive, but I was sure I could explain it as teaching him a valuable lesson about assuming somepony is beaten or harmless. It’s one of those things that a guard should really know.

I shoved him off me and took back to the air with a beat of my wings and a hop. A hop which just so happened to end with my hooves on the back of the first woozy guard, who was drunkenly lurching to his feet. It didn’t really hurt him, it just drove him back down to the clouds.

Sure, it was more dirty pool, but I needed all the time I could get to recover from that fall. My flying was still a bit slower and more uneven than I would have liked. And there was an ache in my back with every wingbeat.

“Ah-ha! We have found thee!”

Oh, and there was a rapidly approaching shadow against the white of distant cloud-homes. Presumably the over-loud immortal I was trying to impress.

I kept my cool, of course, fluttering my wings in a way that was sure to make me look absolutely pathetic, ironically to avoid looking pathetic. A mare does strange things when they have the second most powerful pony in the world barrelling down on them.

Bolting seemed to be the thing to do. I flew until my unsteady wings felt like they would tear out of their sockets, and the pain in my back become a dull roar. I didn’t even look back. The buildings whipped past. I focused only on making the wind scream by all the louder, on getting enough distance from the chasing alicorn. My destination loomed ahead in the form of a dainty little cloud park. I slammed into a welcoming cumulus like a plummeting boulder, penetrating deep into its damp softness. I was too relieved to ponder the metaphor.

I groaned in delicious bliss as my body basked in the stillness. Sweat dripped from me, well-earned in my minute of reckless flight. The cloud sidled up around me like an overeager pup, silently following my whim. It cooled my skin and helped to close the entrance tunnel behind me. My wings burned, and they ached even worse as I shaped the cloud, but the moment of peaceful rest was too euphoric for me to worry about it. I breathed in the chilly, damp air, letting it fill my chest with—

My cloud exploded.

I fell only a few hoof-spans through the scattering mist, landing on the harder stratus-stratum underlying the ornamental cloudbank. The suddenly clear air around me was jarring enough on its own; the dark alicorn looming over me with a delighted grin on her lips, her eyes glowing with moonlight, was little better comfort. I shot a look around, but the very night itself swirled around me like a whirlpool, penning me in with a flow of stars billowing out from her mane and tail.

That starstuff spiraled in on me as she walked closer, her posture telling me she had me right where she wanted me, and the confidence of a pony who thought she owned the world. Which, I suppose, she sort of did.

“We are impressed,” she purred. A shiver went through me from withers to dock. “It seems thy ancestral blood burns strong in thy breast. But e’en the fiercest mare in Pegasopolis could never best us.”

In the face of an ancient power beyond comprehension, I did the only thing I could: I grinned, gathered my legs under me, and pounced at her.

I barely left the ground before I was surrounded in pale blue light. It effortlessly tossed me back into the softness of the clouds. The blue nightscape around me spread to eclipse any other sight. It was just me, her, the soft white clouds, and the stars in her mane.

She put her shod hoof to my chest—as if I was going to run!—and lowered her head to claim my lips for the kiss that was her due by right of conquest.

Most ponies would say life is a game you can never really ‘win’. It’s funny how wrong some ponies can be, isn’t it?

> The Perils of Plenty
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I returned home as a conquering hero, just like the pegasi of old. I’d defeated the three trials of Fillyfooleria, saved the princess from an evening with lesser mares and tamed the weather (bureaucracy) itself. There would songs sung about me in later times.

Well, limericks, maybe.

They seem to have botched the scheduling of my glorious triumph. Because the only pony to be found when I landed at home was a really angry looking Blossomforth.

Maybe Pinkie was planning on throwing a surprise-parade and she was there to lull me into a false sense of security. I landed, immediately throwing a foreleg over Blossom’s shoulders. “Aww, you’ve been waiting around for me? I knew you loved me best.” I gave her cheek a nuzzle custom-designed to set her fuming.

I didn’t get the reaction I wanted. Instead I got a newspaper shoved into my face. It was a change from the norm, at least.

“Save it. Tell me what this is this supposed to be,” she demanded. “The Boss sent you to Cloudsdale to be a representative of Ponyville, and this is what we find out.”

I peeled the newspaper off my muzzle and went about investigating. The Cloudsdale Tribune wasn't exactly Equestria’s finest paper. At least they had excellent taste with cover pictures. Namely, said cover was yours truly, in all her disappointingly black and white glory. Really, what’s the point in being a hot blonde if you can’t flaunt it a little?

I could probably have done without looking like a bruised and battered fugitive from a weather factory explosion; my mane was all a mess and feathers were askew.

Luna plays a little rough. She’s a shockingly feisty thing.

But hay, at least I was leaning on Luna, and she was clearly more than happy to be leaning right back. You’d pretty much have to be blind to miss that adorably unprincesslike smile on her face. I have to admit, I felt like I could fly without spreading my wings, seeing that.

“Well, I know I found out something. Nothing travels faster than the news. Don’t worry, I aced the Weather Conference. Highest budget increase in decades.” I rolled up the paper carefully and tucked it into my saddlebags. “It was so easy that I had lots of time to spare charming the cute little blue hoofshoes off a certain pretty pony princess.”

Blossom looked positively aghast. She had her mouth opened slackly and everything. “Y-you can’t just have sex with royalty. That’s got to be treason or defaming the crown or something.”

Wow, Blossom actually used the word ‘sex’. Without stammering or anything. She really must have been thrown for a loop. I raised a brow with maximum corny suggestiveness. “It’s not defaming it the way I do it.”

I tapped a hoof against my chin after raising it thoughtfully. “And really, to do anything but what I did would probably have been treason. When they pin you down and say stuff like ‘Thy Princess did not bid thee to leave’, I’m pretty sure you just have to lay back and do it for Equestria.”

“She didn’t!” Blossom shook her head, ears pinning. “Princesses don’t act like that.”

“Oh, she did.” I stepped closer to Blossom, lowering my muzzle into my best imitation of menace. “Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Even Princesses are helpless before the power of my good side. That’s the left side. Where I get that little dimple when I smile.”

Her voice took on a note of desperation. She took a step back from me. “It’s impossible!”

I straightened up, bobbing my head in a nod. “Well, you’re sort of right. She did say that. Truthfully, and just between you and me, we didn’t go all the way or anything. Luna hasn’t yet had the bang that she’ll compare all other ones unfavorably to for all eternity. We just hung out, and made out, and played around. Do you have any idea how good a kisser she is? Older mares, Blossom. There are benefits. And in this case, none of the drawbacks!”

“You’re going to be impossible to live with for the next few weeks, aren’t you?” she asked, with a resigned sigh. Even her wings drooped.

I threw a foreleg back over Blossom and gave her a squeeze. “Completely.” I was hoping to get at least a little more denial out of her, or maybe some bargaining or anger, but seemingly she skipped right to acceptance. She always was big on efficiency and I was always big on things being easy, so I couldn't complain.

“Do you think this whatever-it-is you have with Luna will last?” she asked.

“Dunno.” One could hope, however. No Regrets was more important than No Romance. And I’d regret turning down the chance to go out with Luna for the rest of my life. And she’d regret not banging Cloud Kicker for the rest of her far longer life, if she knew it or not. I couldn’t be responsible for an eternity of woe and emptiness. “I really have no idea what a princess wants or needs. I don’t really know her all that well yet. I’m just muddling my way through this one. But as with anything else, I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.”

She chewed on her lip for a moment, but eventually nodded. Yeesh, I’m dating somepony. It’s not like I killed Blossom’s dog. I didn’t get why she was so antsy about it. “I guess,” she finally said, before shaking her head. “You should probably go see the Boss. She’s not exactly the sort of pony to read a newspaper, but somepony’ll tell her eventually.”

“What would I do without you, Blossom? We’re the perfect duo. You’ve got the brains, morals, fancy degree, and the adorable freckles, and the nice legs and the…” I trailed off. “What point was I making? Oh! Right, and I’ve got the looks and sheer charisma. We can’t be beat.” I grinned and gave Blossom another nuzzle on her cheek, she squirmed away and rubbed at it, but she was trying not to smile, and failing pretty hard. Business as usual. Success! One mopey pony on my agenda was enough. “So, where is she? It’s too late for her to still be sleeping.”

Blossom rolled her eyes. “She’s in her new office, of course.”


+++++



“No Pinkie, I don’t think that a ‘Banged a Princess’ party would be exactly appropriate. Thanks though.”

“Aww,” the pink pony under my wing slumped a little bit in dejection. “But I bet it’d be fun. It seemed like Princess Luna could use more friends.”

I nudged the paper I’d stolen from Blossom with a hoof. It was sitting on the table I was sharing with Pinkie while I nibbled my way through my early lunch. The wing around her wasn’t particularly intimate, but with Pinks if you didn’t give her affection, you got her affection. And Pinkie didn’t know her own strength. Besides, I still had those bruises from Luna.

“Luna and I have had enough publicity with our relationship, I figure.” Which totally sounded like a rational reason. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t really mind the newspapers, or the rumors. Half the fun of nabbing a princess is everypony knowing. Shining Armor clearly just doesn’t know how to make the most out of the good things in life. “Besides, early days. Might not work out.”

Pinkie didn’t tend to stay down long from disappointments. Usually she’d forget about them before the sentence was finished. This time, she folded her ears back. They got half-lost in the fuzz of her mane. “Yeah. I guess there’s always rocky bits sometimes, huh?”

Alarm bells went off in my head. Pinkie didn’t do morose. Ever. Admittedly, things fell rather swiftly into place when I saw her looking at the corner table. The corner table currently occupied by a dozing Dash. Pinkie had set a little pink cupcake on a plate by her nose. Probably hiding the drool puddle.

“Trouble in paradise?” I asked. I’m not really sure if I wanted to stick my nose into it, but hay, they were my friends. Dash more than Pinkie, sure, but we happiness-inducing ponies have to stick together.

Pinkie blinked, straightening her ears and shaking her head. A bit of her usual brightness had returned by the edge of the shake. “Oh! No, Dashie’s the bestest fillyfriend a pony could ask for. I was just being a bit too much of a thinkie Pinkie.” At first, I thought I would have to prod her for more, but Pinkie doesn’t really have a ‘clammed up’ mode. “Didja ever have a somepony that didn’t like to… play?”

I fought down the urge to tease her by misinterpreting that to mean Battle Clouds. Serious face, Cloudy. “Well, I’ve known ponies who were much harder to get into the mood.” I gave a sly grin in Dash’s direction. “Really? The world’s fastest pegasus is slow to seal the deal?”

“Shhhhushhhhh,” Pinkie hissed, prodding a hoof at my side.

I couldn’t manage to wipe the smug look off my face, but I gave Pinkie a little squeeze against me, and bent my head a little closer. “So what’s the issue? Does she get nervous?”

Pinkie shook her head again, whipping me with stray mane puffs. I fought back the urge to sneeze. “Nope! Dashie doesn’t do nervous. She’s the bravest pony I know. And she’s okay with kissing and cuddling and stuff. She just… thinks all the wacky, wild and wet stuff is really… ick.”

Huh. I guess you never could tell with some ponies. I always figured she’d probably be a tiger in the bedroom and a bit of a dead fish for the lovey-dovey stuff. But friendships would get a bit boring if they couldn’t surprise you from time to time.

I considered things for a moment. Pinkie, unable to sit still, puffed a little more powdered sugar onto my cinnamon roll from a shaker she’d put on the table earlier.

“All right, well, maybe you should try to come at it from a more roundabout way. Up the intimacy in stages to show her it isn’t so bad. The Boss works out a lot. I bet she gets all sorts of sore and tense. Give her a massage. The good kind, with warm oils. I have a few bottles that are good for the coat. I can spare some.” And I could play innocent and tease Rainbow about her apparent good grooming the next day.

Pinkie seemed less than sold. “Proooobably shouldn’t. The last time I tried to give somepony a massage, I kinda dislocated Noteworthy’s shoulder. A little.”

I winced. Yeah, remember that ‘doesn’t know her strength’ thing? It was pretty plausible. I could just picture something involving a lot of pounding and things best left in a wrestling ring. Thankfully, it was also fixable. “Well, no problems there, Pinks. Just stop by my place, I’ll run you through the basics. I might not be Bon Bon, but I can still manage to get ponies nice and melty.”

“Bon Bon,” Pinkie hissed, narrowing her eyes. Just like she did whenever Bon Bon was mentioned. Apparently the rival confectioner was her official arch-nemesis. Which was hard to take seriously when Pinkie still gave her presents for her birthday, and conspired with Lyra on anniversaries—real and imagined. But with the Official Dramatic Nemesis pause out of the way, she got back to business. “Dunno if Dashie’d be okay with that. She’s not a sharey pony. Or even a sherry-pony, like Green Grape.”

“S’fine, I’ll keep my hooves east of the border. But I think this really is the best way. It’s close, intimate and feels amazing, while not getting into all the fun parts that she might be squicked out by.” I gave Pinkie a grin. “Can’t fail. She’ll be colourful putty in your hooves. The perfect mindset for a little loving exploration.”

Pinkie still seemed unsure. I wagered it was more about Dash than my brilliant idea. Well, no issue there. I gave her a pat on the shoulder. “Here, I’ll go inform her and everything.” I gathered my things and quietly tip-hoofed to Dash’s table.

I slapped the newspaper I’d stolen from Blossom in front of Rainbow. I avoided the little plate with the pink cupcake. It was just too cute and Tough-Mare-Image-Ruining to risk destroying.

She jerked up, looking around in bleary confusion. Since I was such a good friend, I launched into rapid fire talk she had no way of possibly comprehending for a while. 

“I got us the water replenishment gig, a fifteen percent increase in our budget, ostensibly due to the need for a reserve fund in case of further disasters. I picked up the Co-Ruler of all Equestria and the Moon Embodied as a fillyfriend. Also, I’ll be teaching Pinkie some cool deep massages to help with your muscle aches.” I turned my head around toward my saddlebag and fished out a signed photo of a mare and stallion posing together and slapped it down on top of the newspaper. “Oh, and I ran into some of the Wonderbolts at the weather conference, and got them to sign something for you. ‘For our favorite weatherpony, Rainbow Dash. Signed, Soarin’ and Spitfire’. Aww, isn’t that nice? I even convinced them to come watch the tornado. That’ll look awesome for you. Anyway, gotta go unpack, see you later today!”

With that, while Dash blinked numbly, I spun around and strutted my way out of Sugarcube corner, tossing a wave and a grin to Pinkie.

I was a dozen hooves away from the door when I heard Dash call out, after the sound of a chair being dragged across the floor. “What? What the hay? Cloud?”

Somehow the massage thing never came up after that. But hey, if she whinged and whined about it later, I can honestly say I did tell her.


+++++



“Are you sure I can have these?” Spike asked, while leafing through a stack of old comics. “They’re probably worth something.”

I had my rear hooves propped up on the library’s central stump-table as I leafed through a copy of The Canterlot Times. It was a far more reputable paper, and yours truly was still plastered on the cover. Thankfully with a better picture. This one of Luna nuzzling at my neck as we walked along one of the streets outside the weather conference. We made a pretty cute couple, if I can be immodest. Which I can be.

I waved my hoof half-heartedly. “Well, didn’t say you could keep. But you can borrow. It’s not really worth much. I saw you reading a Power Ponies comic when I was here the other day. I thought you might be interested in them before they were a team. It’s mostly Radiance stuff there.”

“Why her?” he asked, while clawing open the first issue. He was very careful with it. That respect for fine literature probably had something to do with a certain librarian. “Who’s the mare with the grey coat?”

“I had a huge filly crush on her. And that was her before the accident fused her with the glamor from her Guardsmare armor. But just read, you’ll see. You don’t want me to spoil it, do you?” When Spike muttered the negative and sunk into the comic zone, I want back to my newspaper. Since I’d already read the one about me, and the commentaries and opinion bits—twice—I just caught up on the old hometown news. Disappearances in the old gem caves again. This time of year, it was probably flooding. Or maybe Lyra got kidnapped again.

The door opened when I was halfway through the article, to admit a certain vision of literary-minded lavender loveliness. She was levitating several bags and a small stack of books.

“SPIII—Oh! Cloud Kicker.” She trotted over, thankfully seeming friendly enough. One never knew what a few days of alone-time would do to haphazardly patched feelings. Seemingly she was still okay with me. “I’ve been hearing the oddest things about you.”

I folded the paper and nudged it across the table toward her with a hoof. I figured she’d be the sort to best learn of something in print. She took the hint and got to reading, setting her supplies and books down.

In the meantime, I began to set up a game of Chess. It probably took me ten times as long to do it as it would have for her, as a cheaty unicorn, but it gave me something to do while she read.

At length, she set the paper silently down and studied me. Somewhere along the way she noticed the board and sat down opposite me without a word. She spun it slowly around so she was on the white side, and moved her Princess’ pawn forward.

“Ahh, the Trotenovski gambit,” I murmured, sagely. “Bold.”

“I’ve moved one piece, Cloud Kicker,” she pointed out, calling the bluff of me pretending I had any idea what I was talking about. “And there was no such pony. So,” She paused for dramatic effect. “Luna.”

“Luna,” I agreed, moving my own chosen piece forward.

We exchanged a few moves. The silence was punctuated only by the soft whisper of turning comic pages behind me.

At length, and without looking up, Twilight spoke. “That was…fast.”

“Fast, considering I confessed to liking you just a few days ago?” I ventured.

She looked up from the board. She didn’t need to say a thing.

“I still like you. You haven’t become any less interesting, admirable or attractive the last few days.” I took one of her pawns with one of my lancers. “But I’m not totally featherbrained. I do have to respect that you’re not interested.”

Spike made some a strangled gagging sound, scooped up some of the comics and fled the room. I smirked a little and kept my focus nominally on the board, pretending I hadn’t noticed. Twilight was caught somewhere between a blush that made her want to avert her gaze, and a dirty look aimed at her dragon servant-familiar-assistant-little-brother-thing. As one can see, I had the dynamics of that weird relationship down pat.

She took out her embarrassment on my poor pieces. We exchanged a few turns, wherein she effortlessly disassembled my position at the center of the board. That was a sting to the old ego. Apparently it was good for hers, though. Because somewhere along the way she worked up the courage to speak, even if she still didn’t look up at me.

“Am I? Uninterested, that is.”

The response made me knock over the magus I’d been reaching for. That I kept my wings from shooting up in shock is a testament to dozens of generations of Kicker stoicism roaring through my veins at an unemotional, average pace.

It wasn’t really that I was so surprised that she gave in to my feminine wiles. Nopony could be expected to hold out against my charms. I just never expected her to actually admit it, even indirectly. It just seemed utterly out of character for her.

Which, of course, led to one natural conclusion. “Spent some time with Rarity, huh?”

“I spoke with all of them about it.” I winced when she said that. “Except Dash. I didn’t want you getting in any sort of trouble with your boss. I wouldn’t want you to talk to the Princess about me.”

Oh thank all that is good and holy in the world. Though I guess it was obvious, given that Rainbow wasn’t freaking out when I spoke to her a little while ago. “So, what was the consensus? Oh, and, um, depending on if that’s a broad all-Princess thing, it might be a bit late for that.”

It was Twilight’s turn to look freaked out. “Please tell me you’re talking about Luna.”

Her stressing out would probably have been less worrisome if she couldn’t casually turn me into a red paste with a proverbial flick of the horn. Luckily, being myself, I was more focused on admiring the adorability of her looking all frazzled, with her mouth open a bit in shock. “Yeah. Me and Luna drank a toast to your excellence. And talked about your brother and such. Casual conversation, not secret-spilling. Common acquaintances are good smalltalk fodder. You know how it is when you first meet someone.”

“Not particularly,” she admitted. “My broad dating experience includes such highlights as you kissing me. And throwing you out for kissing me.” Ouch. “But… my friends were pretty nice when talking about you.”

I finally righted my fallen magus piece. Having something to do made it easier to ignore the fact that I was feeling like a pony who was getting the scoop about how a meeting with her fillyfriend’s parents went. That was bad. Not so much the feeling as the why. I really cared what Twilight thought of me. I really didn’t need feelings like that when I just scored the greatest catch in all of pony history since Shadow Kicker banged Princess Celestia into centuries of gooily satisfied chastity. “Any specifics?” I found myself asking.

“I’m not sure I should be saying anything. It doesn’t seem like the sort of thing you talk about.”

I gave her my best charming—not wheedling at all—grin. “We’re both ponies that believe in being direct, right? No dancing around and keeping secrets.”

She nodded her head in agreement, though she spent a moment in quiet consideration. “Rarity thinks you’d be good for me. I mean, as in beneficial for my progress as a pony. She thinks that I should get out into the ‘dating scene’. And gave me several magazines about the dating habits of ‘ponies of breeding’. It was…” She searched for a word. “...illuminating.”

“Surprised about the sort of things that ‘don’t count’?” I asked. Hey, I grew up in Canterlot. I knew the sorts of things ponies got up to there. They might arrange marriages, which was absurd, but I’ll give them points for being realistic about things after that. I knew a lot of married ponies who dated more than they did as fillies and colts. “Didn’t your parents talk to you about that sort of thing. I mean, word is that the Sparkles aren’t exa—”

Oh, I managed to shut my mouth, if a bit too late. That didn’t stop the scowl I got from across the table. “Aren’t exactly what?”

Nope. I learned my lesson. There was no answering that in ways that wouldn’t make things worse. I extended a hoof in a calming gesture. “Doesn’t matter. All I’m saying is that your parents are big-shots around Canterlot. They’d probably understand these things. They probably dated before marriage too. Politics can be a piranha tank. You don’t go in unprepared. So… practice is quietly encouraged. And so is doing what it takes to keep yourself sane when you don’t pick out a mate yourself.”

Taking on a more education tone helped a bit, I think. My frantic flailing pressed the right mental buttons to make Twilight less furious. “My parents love one another. They don’t do… that,” she vehemently stated.

“You know best. I’m sure you’re right.” No I wasn’t. I’d heard the rumors about a certain DJ. But it could be saved that for another night when I wasn’t already mired in some terrifying emotional morass. “But I bet you have a very… textbook understanding, right? Unicorns nobility marry for life, and the marriages are arranged. ‘Purity’ is the ideal, blah blah blah. It hasn’t really been like that for a long time. I imagine being around Celestia long enough tends to have a horseapple-erasing influence.”

That last off-hoofed comment seemed to actually carry the most weight. The worst of Twilight’s dubiousness vanished—it was understandable that it lingered, it’s not as if I’m unbiased about sex—and a bit of tension left her shoulders. “Yeah. It really does.”

I grinned. “So, Rarity says we should bang until you’re properly educated. I’m always in awe of her wisdom, these days. Who else?”

“She did not say that.” Darn, she looked barely half as scandalized as Blossom would have. I guess she was getting used to me a lot faster. In fact, she seemed positively smug, punctuating her words by taking one of my lancers off the board with a jump of her own.  “In fact, I’ll have you know that Applejack said I could do much better. She wields Element of Honesty you know.”

Oh, the filly had claws, did she? That was pretty hot.

“That, you’re not supposed to say, by the by.” I studied the board, despite that being an incredibly depressing activity. You had to start using colourful words like ‘obliterated’ to talk about my current position. “I could be the spiteful type. And mess with the weather to ruin her crops or somesuch.”

The corners of Twilight’s lips edged doward. She probably wasn’t used to this kind of social fencing. “You aren’t, though. You and I are the direct types, you said. And you’re right. When there was something wrong, you came and spoke to me. It’s what I would have done.”

“True,” I conceded. “But if she should complain that somehow an overripe tomato landed on her out of the blue, you can probably call the case preemptively solved. Did she say why?”

Twilight took a moment to decide what to say. She probably realized her faux-pas in talking about her friends badmouthing me versus properly praising my many virtues. “She said you didn’t stay with any particular pony too long. And that you’d break my heart.”

We were quickly upgrading from overripe tomato to unripe pumpkin. Still, there’s a certain truth to it. But only when viewed at from the perspective of an increasingly lame and unattractive apple farmer. “That’s… complicated. But it isn’t like that. I don’t love ponies and break up with them, stomping their hearts. I make sure ponies know what they’re getting into. I don’t look for long-term relationships. It’s just… fun, not romantic really. The closest I’ve ever come to anything like that is with Lyra and Flut—”

I stopped myself, but not soon enough. I was really, really off my game. This is why I avoid dopey-eyed romance. It makes ponies, myself obviously entirely included, act like complete idiots. Twilight’s head shot up. Her eyes bore into mine. I considered trying to finish my sentence with Fluteytoot, the mare from the music shop or something… but that really wasn’t going to work.

“Fluttershy?” Twilight asked. Her tone of voice most certainly hinted that she wouldn’t brook any horseapples. What with the fact that you could probably have cut glass with it.

I nodded. Why was I feeling guilty? It isn’t as if I was doing anything wrong.

The silenced stretched once again as Twilight mulled that over in her head. Judging by her ears gradually lowering, it wasn’t a flattering train of thought.

“It wasn’t some one-night fling. That sort of thing would just hurt her. And I’d never do that.” There was a bit more heat in my voice than I’d have liked. I took a little breath to try to banish that defensiveness. I was supposed to be the cool, savvy one here. “We were each other’s first love.”

That was clearly not what she was expecting. She blinked numbly.

“We were just fillies. All the way back at Flight Camp.”

I had intended to continue, but Twilight cut in, “Fluttershy was the first one with a special somepony?!”

“Yup. After Dash’s first rainb—”

“Fluttershy.”

I gave up. Laughing, I nodded my head. “Yes. Little butter-yellow, afraid-of-ponies Fluttershy, probably has the lot of your friends beat, there. Are you going to get hitched to someone just because you feel like you feel Eepy beat you?”

“I’m severely tempted.” Twilight signed and pressed the edge of a hoof between her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve felt so socially useless since Magic Kindergarten.”

I rose up onto my hooves and pushed the board casually aside. “Well, I guess there’s no choice then. You’ve convinced me. I’m going to have to take you right here on this table. To save your social life, and thus your friendship with the other Element Bearers. For Equestria.”

I felt magic seize my tail and tug me back into a sitting position. I relented and went along with it, grinning.

“Strangely, I feel better about it. I think I can live with it.” She jabbed a hoof in my direction with playful accusation. “That better not be how it was with Fluttershy. Especially not since she spoke so well of you.”

I won’t lie, a giddy, warm sort of feeling spread from my chest when I heard that. I think I might have been blushing like an idiot. Either I was having a heart attack or somepony put something in the water to make me a total sap. Twilight, Luna and now getting dopey about Fluttershy? I’d say I was getting sentimental in my old age, but I’m pretty sure I’m totally at my prime. If I wasn’t, then it’s probably good I’m getting involved with Luna, since no mortal pony could withstand my skills.

I shook my head. “Nope. It was all very cute. Lots of blushing and kissing, followed by more blushing. Neither of us particularly knew what the heck we were doing. Though, I guess she did sort make the same squeaking sound you did whe—” I jumped when a flying pawn bounced off the end of my muzzle.

“I hate it when you do that,” Twilight groused.

I shook my head, after rubbing the little sting out of my nose. “Now that’s a lie. My brand of charm is really growing on you. I can tell.”

“Like a particularly invasive fungus, maybe. So what, pray, is giving you that idea?

I put on my very best factual tone. “Well, for one, you’re very much getting into the spirit of things. For two, you’re not frowning, or folding your ears. And for three, I really want you to have fun around me and I’m willing to resort to self-delusion to believe you are.”

The corner of Twilight’s lips curled up, just a little. I’m relatively certain it wasn’t the self-delusion. “You’re really nothing like any of my friends.”

“Of course not, I’m more attractive,” I said, matter-of-factly. 

“More modest too,” the little purple vision pointed out.

“Of course,” I agreed, with a nod. “You’re the Boss’ friend. Compared to her, I’m downright meek.”

“Well, that hardly makes you different. Compared to Rainbow, most everypony in Equestria is modest.” Twilight perfectly recentered the board between us with her magic. Her spells lined up the casualties in straight lines down either side. My line of defeated pieces was depressingly longer than hers. As if reminded by the mention of Rainbow, she moved her lancer to threaten my Princess.

“Well, I guess the real difference is that you don’t want to date any of your friends, so far as I’ve seen,” I ventured. I managed to infuse it with proper teasing, but honestly, I was mostly just curious what her reaction would be. “That would colour any view.”

“Well, I couldn’t date you, even if I wanted to. You’re taken. It’s not like I could measure up to a Princess.”

I admit, she caught me off guard with that. I’d expected evasions.

“You’d be surprised.” I pretended to study the board for a moment. Just to give myself a second to think. “Luna’s a hay of a lot more fun than I thought she’d be. And I think we can both admit she’s beautiful. But…” I shrugged. “...I really like you. You’re brilliant, and the right sort of sassy. And adorkability seems to hit every single one of my buttons. You kind of suck at Schism, and I like to win. Also, you’re less intimidating, which, let me tell you, is a case for how terrifyingly intense Luna is. So, I guess… I don’t know.”

She was kind enough not to point a hoof at my depleted side of the chessboard, as her counter to my Schism claims. Maybe she had better things to worry about. “Well, then… now what? Even if you wanted to, it’s not like you could snub a Princess. And Luna is just so fragile. She became Nightmare Moon when she didn’t think ponies were—”

Yeah, I could see where this was going. I picked up one of her pawns between two of my primaries and tossed it at her. It bounced off her nose and landed on the table with a clatter. It stopped that line of through quite abruptly.

She rubbed at her nose.

“Luna plied me with drink, had me fight her guards, then hunted me down to claim me as spoils of war for the crown. Which, fun as it was, does not point toward Luna being a delicate flower, when it comes to relationship stuff.” I made a sweeping motion with one of my wings. “So let’s just brush the end-of-the-world scenarios off the table for now. Through the cruel miracles of fate and peer pressure, your herd of friends have convinced you that dating might be sort of fun or illuminating, right?”


Twilight watched me for a moment, doubtless wrestling with denials. Maybe my talk about directness was still lingering with her, because she eventually nodded her head.

“And you’re worried that it makes you… flighty? Or vacuous, or unloyal to your family or something? Or that I’m like that too, and will just drop you?”

Another nod of her head. No surprise there. I was just summarizing, for the most part, for her benefit.

“Well, Rarity is probably better than I am at convincing you about high society. But as for the the rest…” I got up from my spot, and trotted my way around the stump. I parked myself next to Twilight and stretched out my wings. My primaries touched against her side, and under her chin. She didn’t shy away from the contact. Wow. Her friends really must have done a number on her. “All I can say is that I’m not in the business of hurting ponies. Especially not ones that I care for.”

I drew my wings back and refolded them. “But for now, since neither of us knows what the hay to do, why not just… go about things as we have been, for a while? It’d be sensible, right? It’ll give you time to get to know me. And for me to know you. Like for you, all my closest relationships have been with ponies I can call my friends.” Except for the one where we never spoke again. But then again, apparently Eepy vouched for me. There was that warm feeling again. “Let’s just see where the bits fall with Luna. She’ll probably come to her senses in short order, and go out with you instead, to make all the Sparkles into royalty to complete the set.”

An adorably rosy blush crept along the base of Twilight’s muzzle. “I think dating royalty would be a bit more than I could take. I don’t think ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle’ is in my future. But as for all the rest. Yeah… it makes sense.”

Perhaps I noted a bit of disappointment in that. Hay, I shared it in spades. Words can’t properly describe the sort of delicious things I wanted to do to the town librarian. At least not ones that could be used in polite company. But I also didn’t like being exiled by angry princesses of the night.

Then again, it’s probably way more easy for me to work up the courage to mention dating than it was for her.

I leaned forward and gave her a nuzzle. It was about as bold as I dared to be. I even survived it. “Not ideal, I know. For either of us. But look at all the trouble hurrying got me into last time. I think it’s best if we go into things with open eyes.”

And intact limbs.

I begged off of the game soon after that. Twilight wore her heart firmly on her sleeve. And I won’t flatter myself by thinking she liked me enough to be crushed. But things clearly didn’t go quite as she’d spent my absence envisioning.

She was even nice enough to call the massacre of my chess pieces a draw.

I can’t believe life had me in a situation where I was whining about having too many amazing mares at once. It was probably Celestia’s retribution for making Twilight cry, at the party. It had her infamously devious hoofprints all over it.




+++++



I opened my front door, in the middle of a loud series of knocks. My mane was still damp from a shower, and I was leaving little hoofprints of water in my wake. But my rushing was worth it, because I was rewarded with a vision of purple wearing an adorably awkward smile. 

“Twilight! I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon. Come in.”

I took a step to the side, and after a moment of hesitation, she took me up on my offer, walking inside, and carrying with her the pleasant scent of paper and that subtle, floral perfume she favored. I was enamored enough with the idea of stupidly watching her walk by that I almost missed my second guest skulking in as if the door would bite her.

“E-Eepy?” I stammered. “What are you doing here?”

Fluttershy made a little squeaking sound and opened her mouth to respond. Shockingly enough the words died in her mouth, and she looked over to Twilight with a ‘help me’ expression.

Talk about the blind leading the blind.

Twilight did swing into action, at least, to save her friend. “We were talking, Fluttershy and I, about what we—that is, you and I—spoke about at the library.” She frowned, after probably going over that sentence in her head. “You know what I mean. And… well…”

Maybe Twi starting to flounder spurred Eepy into action, because suddenly she was at my side, speaking even while looking at me from under her mane. “And we wanted to make our case.”

“Case?” I asked.

“I can’t compete with a princess,” Twilight walked toward me. My protest died upon seeing that enticingly eye-catching, tail-swaying walk. That was new. “But it isn’t just me.”

A yellow hoof reached under my chin, to pull my muzzle away from that vision of flirty purple, toward Eepy. She oh-so-boldly placed a kiss against the corner of my lips. “It’s both of us.”

I could feel Twilight tentatively nuzzling at the side of my neck. Good thing I was on the ground, of I would have quite promptly dropped out of the air, thanks to my wings shooting up. Her voice was something beyond my wildest dreams. Warm, honeyed and compelling enough to sell me on buying land in Tartarus. “Friends should share everything.”

Practically shaking, I turned my head back, toward the little unicorn. She looked back at me with a half-lidded expression that mixed innocent hope with seductive desire. Buck me. I knew there was some reason I shouldn’t be doing it. But I couldn’t think of it right then. I leaned in to kiss Twilight.

“Ah! We think we’ve had this dream before!” 

I jumped, my wings fluttering to awkwardly carry me a few hooves back. “L-Luna! This isn’t what it looks like!”

Luna’s smirk was replaced by a thoughtful expression, she raised a shod hoof to tap it daintily against her lips. “‘Tis not? So thou wert not to be ravished by Twilight Sparkle and fair Fluttershy?”

I opened my mouth to proclaim my innocence. As the shock faded, a strange unease came over me. I promptly shut up and focused on the source of that feeling. Something had changed. Something wasn’t right.

Luna reached forward, tapping me on the tip of the nose and pushing me back. “Awaken. We await thee.”

I felt a falling sensation, like the floor giving way under me.



+++++



I woke with a start, to the sound of a gentle tapping against the glass of my window. I didn’t even have time to hope that it was all just a dream. Or at least a normal dream. The glimmering of swirling stars filling the edges of my window were sort of telling.

It said a lot about my situation that I was I considered pretending I wasn’t home or still asleep or having some kind of near-fatal heart attack. Anything that would keep me from having to face my new fillyfriend after she’d seen my saucy dreams about other mares.

“I am only knocking to be polite,” came the slightly muffled voice from outside my window. “Darkness is no barrier to my sight, so I can see thou art there. I cannot be held for trespassing and I have power over space and time undreamed of by thy mortal kin.”

Well, the heart-attack one was still on the table. Heck, it might even be more believable after that.

With a sigh I hauled myself out of bed like a mare walking to the gallows. I slumped over in the direction of my window and pushed it up. Well, at least after I got dumped, I’d have a great rebound prospect. Though if my name was slandered enough, I guess Rarity might start changing her tune. Her egging Twilight on so effectively would be turned to dark, nefarious, Cloudy-denying ends.

And really, Cloudy’s end being denied is basically what started this whole mess.

And to make matters even worse? My fatalistic sulk was really hard to continue with a big, bright, navy blue smile grinning me right in the face.

Said smiling face darted in to kiss the tip of my nose. “I have never seen such a guilty look in all my days. And those have been many.”

Somehow, I was beginning to think that maybe she wasn’t mad. And she’d dropped the royal ‘We’, no less. I think that might have been a good sign.

“Shall I regale thee, I wonder, with tales of what I’ve seen? Or how many times I’ve witnessed ponies dreaming of my sister in far more compromising situations than that? Or myself? Or, for those of more ambitious mind, both?” 

Her horn lit my room as it began to glow. The world was washed in a coat of silver-blue paint as it wrapped around me. She was less delicate than Twilight. I could feel her magic squeezing down on me from all sides. It wasn’t unpleasant, but nor was it especially nice. She pulled me through the window and set me down on my lawn, chatting all the while. “I have seen taboos that would shock you to your core. I have seen such things in the imaginings of ponykind that would twist your stomach, or your heart.”

I opened my mouth to protest—or apologize, really. She reached out and bumped her hoof against the tip of my muzzle, where she kissed it before. It shut me up, which I assume was the intent. “Shall I now be scandalized by you dreaming of a pleasant encounter with two admirable and beautiful mares? I think not. My regret is only in my greed, and my wish to feast and cavort with thee myself, rather than play voyeur.”

I managed a weak grin. “Well, if you want, I can try to dream about them again tonight, for you? I totally get it. There’s nothing like seeing an artist working on a masterpiece. But, really Luna, I’m so—”

Magic swirled around my muzzle, clamping it closed. This time, Luna did far better than the librarian. The memory of that zipper made me want to shiver.

“Fie on thine apologies! If thou continuest to offer them, I shall continue to work cruelties upon thy pretty face, like this.” Oh no. Not more kisses and gentle touches. Curse the corrupt and oppressive Equestrian government. “If thou couldst turn aside such pleasant advances, I would question thy fitness to satisfy the Princess of the Night. If it soothes thy conscience, mine own resolve would crumble in the face of such beauties as those in thy dream. So, let us turn to more important things, yes?”

I nodded my head. Admittedly, her assurances did make me feel a bit better.

Luna leaned in to place a little peck of a kiss on the tip of my muzzle, coming away smiling brightly. Her magic faded from around it, wisping away. “Excellent, then! Let the courtship resume forthwith!”


+++++




It was a pleasure just to watch Luna fly. I’m not sure why that’s surprising, since it was a pleasure to watch her walk, sit and stand, too. She didn’t fly like a pegasus, really. It was more like a griffon, all long, stately beats of her soft-looking wings. Her natural slenderness made the play of lean muscle under her dark coat with each wingbeat more than a little distracting too. Sufficed to say I wasn’t flying a half-ponylength behind her in order to give royalty her symbolic precedence.

I’m pretty sure she knew I was checking her out too, but she took it as her natural due. Yum. Confident mares could be so deliciously alluring. So could shy mares, I suppose. And normal mares you could let your mane down around. And those sort of up-tight but secretly sweet and loving mares like that Rarity.

Maybe I just had a thing for mares.

...and stallions.

Not that I wanted to exclude non-ponies. They were pretty great in their own ways. Diamond Dogs excluded.

Sweet Celestia, all those trash-talking ponies were right about me!

In my crushing existential woe, I winged my way overtop Luna, spinning around to fly upside-down. I looked ‘up’ at her. We were going at a leisurely enough pace that my mane hung down to tickle at her ears, making them flick adorably.  “So, how’re you going to wine and dine me tonight? I still think I should be the one planning the date in my town.”

“Has there been a coup?” Luna asked, sweetly. “Is not every town mine?”

I quietly pondered the possibility of marrying Luna just so I could get divorced and take half of her property. Would I want the east or west half of Equestria?

“Thou art thinking treasonous thoughts, aren’t thou?” 

I blinked. “How did you know?”

“I lived through the era of unicorn succession. It taught me two things; how to smell treason on the wind and that it’s best to live at least two hundred ponylengths above unicorns, in a cloud city.”

We shared a little titter that I think was probably a massive faux-pas. But hey, we both lived in Canterlot. We deserved to be able to poke some fun. I’d make up for it by singing the Fires of Friendship carol extra loud at the next Hearth Warming or something.

“To answer thy question—”

Something caught my attention as Luna spoke. A large rectangle of white cloudstuff, probably set up by some of my coworkers, and illuminated by a few firefly globes hanging from balloons. Some of my friends and playmates were starting a late game of Fly Ball. I subtly changed my flight path, and Luna unconsciously shifted to follow.

Okay, so I wanted to show off. If you were on a date with a perfect immortal princess, wouldn’t you?

Oblivious to my devious machinations, Luna continued, “—our ponies have asked the premiere feasthall in your quaint village to provide a repast to picnic upon. Then, perhaps, we shall go visit the dragons. They will roost in the nearby volcanoes and calderas for a few weeks yet, playing their juvenile games.”

That caught my attention. “Dragon-watching? That’s a new one. I would have thought that was more a fifth-date activity. But it sounds pretty neat.”

“Watching? Nay. Baiting! There are a few I wouldn’t mind checking on. Ones that may have survived my absence that may remember me. But mostly, dragons need the occasional reminder of why they don’t land near or accost pony settlements. Sister has told me it has been many years since the last lesson!” Luna stopped, and so close to being in view of all my potentially dying-of-envy coworkers too! She bit her lip, looking unsure. “Though, I didn’t know such a thing was improper for so early in our courtship. So many of the unspoken rules have changed. What sh—”

I interrupted her by righting myself in the air—with the resulting headrush—and flying down to curl my forelegs around her neck. “I was just kidding, Luna. You’re probably the first pony ever to take her marefriend out to taunt and abuse dragons.” I couldn’t help but grin. I’d wager there was a mad edge to it. It was pretty nuts, after all. “Sounds like one of those stories I’ll be talking about until I’m old and grey. I am very in. Rainbow will be jealous beyond belief.”

That got some lift back in her wings. She practically beamed at me over her shoulder. “Huzzah! Consider it settled then. Mayhap, if fortune smiles, I shall finally have another coat of dragonhide mail ere we’re through. Celestia claims mine old armor was lost in our absence.”

I don’t think she saw the queasy look that I was trying to keep off my face at her fashion plans. She thankfully looked past me instead to the same sight that caught my eye earlier. She pointed a hoof at the cloud court. “But first, I spy some fun. Let us investigate?”




+++++



Would it be immature if I said it was nice to have all my friends bowing down before me? Or maybe a sign of my inevitable descent into supervillainy? I was getting a strange desire to laugh maniacally. A villainous mare with the superpower of being so irresistable that not even the princesses were safe would be pretty cool. And it would mean they couldn’t use those ‘Princess Celestia has to save everyone’ endings they used in the Radiance comics when they wrote themselves into a corner.

“Rise, dear subjects!” Luna wasn’t exactly shouting, but she certainly was projecting that voice pretty admirably. “‘Tis no official visit. Our paramour hath explained some of this game, we wish to play.”

Well, her taking credit for the bowing really ruined my excellent power fantasy. But… well, she was just so innocently eager that it was hard to be mad. I found myself grinning, and not even about her calling me her ‘paramour’.

The others looked shocked at her presence, at first. Sure, those of us who hadn’t seen her on Nightmare Night had heard about it later. Small towns are like that. But no amount of preparation can really cushion the ancient mover of the moon winging down to throw a ball around with you.

I, of course, didn’t hesitate in a similar situation and instead messily made out with the living moon in a public cloudpark. And then on a rooftop on the way back to my hotel. And then behind the convention center the next day. And briefly outside of my house earlier. I did mention Luna was fun to kiss, didn’t I? In any case, all that was why none of my fellow townsfolk would make it as a supervillain, like I would. You need confidence and quick thinking.

But I suppose I should actually pay attention instead of congratulating myself on how amazing I was.

“...with the bee mark. Lend us your scarf. The coats team may have the advantage of numbers. Ten against six, perchance, against us?”


+++++


I pried at Blossom’s foreleg, trying to get her off of Luna. I swear, she was angling to surreptitiously bite her princess. Luckily, I have a size and strength advantage on the geeky little thing. We both went tumbling off of Luna. That left her with only seven or eight ponies hanging onto her limbs and tail and other convenient hoofholds. To be fair, they actually managed to slow her down to the point where her hooves were touching the clouds, as she crossed the end line.

The mass of ponies sloughed off of her, panting, when the referee’s whistle blew.

She emerged from the heap wearing a wide grin. “Another point!” She looked around at the fallen ponies. Her expression became a bit sheepish. “Mayhap twelve against four would be more fair?”



+++++


It was pretty much like some fillyhood fantasy. Me alone, against impossible odds, protecting the Princess from her enemies. I banked hard to the right, cutting off Bright Morning as he barrelled for Luna. I foiled Sassaflash’s flight path too, making her swerve abrupty. I glanced around for more. Bring it on!

My fillyhood fantasies didn’t really include Celestia making all of my heroics utterly pointless.

The rest of the team’s ponies were trying to pen Luna in, to tackle her out of the air. She spun around Blossom, weaved behind Open Skies, and dodged with more grace than is likely ponily possibly. When she sprinted, she left everypony behind. She banked impossibly, at that speed, leaving Flitter looking on in pure confusion. Luckily, when she barrelled forward, nopony was dumb enough to get in her way again. Thunderlane’s coat was dark enough that you couldn’t see the black eye, at least.

I slowed to a hover. Bright Morning sidled up beside me a moment later.

“Think fifteen against one would be any more fair?” I asked, as we both looked on helplessly.

Bright gave me a doubting look.



+++++


I think I understood Blossom’s earlier frustrated near-biting better. I more or less had Luna wrangled. Well, Luna’s left wing, anyway. With both my arms and legs wrapped around it, I managed to keep it from stretching to a flight posture. Of course, all of my limbs were screaming in protest from the effort. It was like wrestling with an airship wing.

The fourteen other ponies all doing their part were suffering with me, at least.

I think I spotted one of her forelegs, clawing at the cloud, trying to inch forward. The depressing thing of it was that she was managing. The whole heap of ponies covering her went forward a hoofspan.

The whistle blew three times. I relaxed my grip and Luna’s wing shot open, propelling me several ponylengths away. I beat my wings to catch myself, spiralling upward in triumph.

“Game!” I called. “We stopped her!” Not exactly far from her goal, but we did it.

“Mortals one, alicorns zero,” I crowed, pointing a hoof at Luna. Maybe I was channelling Dash a bit much, but it was strictly necessary. Our collective egos were hanging on by a thread.

“Actually, we all stopped counting at fifty to zero, in Luna’s favor,” Blossom said petulantly, disengaging herself with the crew that had Luna’s right leg.

It was just as well that she did it then, because Luna shook off the pile, sending ponies flying, much like I had earlier. “Nay. Thy friend is right, freckled one. The wolves have taken the bear. We’re sure our sister would make a fine homoly about it. How those that turn to darkness may win fifty times, but ponykind need only win once. Do imagine it in thy minds. ‘Tis not my strength.”

Luna shook out her wings and took to the air, flying up to nuzzle my neck. “Or perchance it only appeals to be on the other side as our last encounter. To the victor goes the spoils.”



+++++


I woke muzzily to the sound of three precisely timed knocks. My hoof reached out to the other side of my bed, intent on ignoring it and instead cuddling up to Luna again. That broke my rules too, but buck it. Princess. Unfortunately my hoof found only covers. I opened my eyes and sort of bleared my way around the room. No errant starscapes. Darn. I was going to have to go to Canterlot to get some good cuddling in, wasn’t I?

I guess that made it official. I must really like Luna if I was disappointed that she wasn’t still there to snog on, in the mornings. Or maybe tempt further into the dark side of casual, life-changing Kicker-banging. Coy, teasing and untouchable mares seemed to do it for me. But then, so did giving and open and free mares. And mares th—

Actually, I think I explored that train of thought already.

Those three knocks interrupted my groggy ponderings. They were metronome perfect in their spacing. Blossomforth then, probably.

I oozed out of bed, congealing onto all four hooves. A glance at the mirror showed I looked a lot like how I felt. Mussed and messy and without a care in the world for grooming. Ugh. I probably needed to hop in the shower. I still hadn’t after last night. But those resuming knocks would brook no delay.

Showing the lie about my lack of care, I smoothed at my mane with my hooves as I lazily half-hovered through the house. I doubt it made much of a difference, in the time it took to get to the front door. But it’s not as if I hadn’t been seen in a worse state by Bl—

—my mother.

Our eyes met, when I opened the door to that picture of a stern, gold-armored mare. I could see her looking me over. I thought I could pinpoint the moment where the judgement process began. Her nose wrinkled, just a little.

“Mom,” I said, in the tone that instead implied ‘Buck you’ I bet. Who wants to get dragged out of bed to see that look? “To what do I owe this early and unexpected visit?”

She didn’t miss my tone. Her brow quirked up slightly, instantly informing me of her disappointment. I spoke fluent ‘Mom’. And she’d kept in practice with Alula, I’m sure.

“It might be that I read the newspaper, Cloud. Don’t you think that’s something one might wish to discuss with her family?” She looked past me to the entrance of my house. Probably judging the dust content against her squad’s barracks, or something. “Can I come in?”

I fought down the urge to say something that would escalate things further. See? I was waking up and getting wiser by the second. I stepped off to the side a few paces to let her past. Not really to immaturely avoid touching her, but more because I was a bit self-conscious about likely smelling like a gym sock, since more time lip-locked with a princess seemed preferable to grooming.

I followed her into my living room, keeping a few strides away, so as not to tempt fate. I sat down on a cushion and motioned to the opposite one for her. I didn’t offer drinks or any such thing. I wouldn’t want her to stay around longer after the chewing out I was expecting.

Shockingly enough, she managed to seem reasonable, at first. Maybe her finely honed soldier’s senses picked up that I wasn’t in the mood to be batted around. We live in a time of miracles. It could happen. “I know how newspapers can be. Sensationalism and so on. Might I ask what your relationship is to Princess Luna?”

I tilted my head a little bit, one of my ears flicking backward. No jumping to immediate conclusions. Pod ponies might be real. “The Canterlot Times had a pretty good piece, I thought. I could have done without them calling me a ‘black sheep’ of our family. But with regards to Luna and I? It was pretty spot on. We’re dating. And enjoying it.”

Her lips quirked downward. “Quite publically.”

I nodded my head, with no small bit of satisfaction. “Publically. Not that I ravished her and tore her bodice off with my hooves, or something. It’s all pretty innocent and proper so far.” Sort of. “Not that it’s really any of your business.”

“My daughter is courting a ruler of the realm. One with a history of… being temperamental,” Mother said, diplomatically. “It could have an enormous effect on our family. Doesn’t that make it my business, Cloud?”

I wanted to snipe at her, but she wasn’t wrong, exactly. Her career, or Dad’s, would suddenly be under a lot more scrutiny. Heck, all the Kickers’ might be. Who knows what would happen with Alula if things went well, or poorly. I didn’t want my kid sister being hounded by newsponies. So once again, I nodded my head, less smugly this time.

She seemed just as surprised at me being reasonable as I was about her. The nag. “Good. I’m glad you realize that.” She seemed to be at a loss for how to continue for a moment. She probably expected we’d be throwing things by now. “So, what do you intend to do?”

“I intend to do what I was going to do before. Which is to have a romantic outing of dragon-hunting with my new marefriend.”

Mom surely knew about the dragon migration. If she was armored up, it probably meant she and the Machwing Company was being deployed. And I doubt that was a pure coincidence of timing. “Dragon-hunting,” she repeated. “That doesn’t strike you as massively, unbelievably unwise, Cloud?”

“I make a point of deferring to the judgement of ancient alicorns. I did pay attention as a filly to our family line. We serve the Princess.” I drew myself up in a proper imitation of martial dignity. “We go into fire, and darkness, and unique dates, for the honor of our liege.”

“Can’t you take things seriously for five minutes, Cloud?” Mom snapped. “Luna is known to be… flighty. You shouldn’t encourage her bad habits. She’s going to get a lot of good ponies killed to impress her new plaything. Do you want that on your conscience?”

Now things were starting to fall into their usual patterns. The better mare is the one to walk away in a situation like that, and not rise to the bait.

“Oh, don’t worry. Luna doesn’t like her guards hanging around on our dates. So all the other ponies would be fine. The only one who’d get hurt is your disappointment of a daughter. So no reason to get concerned.” Okay, so maybe I wasn’t the better mare. My mother always brings out the worst in me.

Mother stopped dead. For a second I thought I might have actually scored a point, and she’d reassure me that she cared. She rose up, all cold menace. Her well-oiled wingblades barely made a whisper when her wings flared at her sides in anger. “I would say I couldn’t believe it. But I’m not even surprised. You’re going to take a Princess of Equestria out into danger, alone, with nopony around to help her?”

Heat rushed to my face. My own wings shot out in a similar display. I rose up, standing practically nose to nose with the wretched nag. I should have known she wouldn’t care. And now she wanted to start a fight? Well, I was more than willing to give her a buck in the nose if she wanted it to go that way. I sure as hay wasn’t feeling like backing down. If not even a bucking Princess of Equestria was enough to vouch for me with my own mother what would be?

“You should be careful who you tell about things like that, Cloud,” Mom said, her eyes narrowing, and voice low. Her bladed wings bristled, not that I was worried about that. She was a bitch, but not the sort that would resort to hurting me quite like that. “You never know if somepony has ears listening for just a chance like that.”

I must have been really ready to believe my nag of a mother was a monster. Because I swear, at that moment, I saw her royal-guard-blue eyes flash a malignant, venomous green.