> Your Human and You: I Refuse to Play
>  by Cicero Niche
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> Chapter One: Headaches, Nudists, and Monsters, Oh My!
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YHAY: I Refuse to Play


I awoke to a throbbing pain in my head and groaned in pain. I could recall getting fairly tipsy at my cousin's last night, but not nearly drunk enough to warrant this kind of hangover. I know my limits and have regretted trying to exceed them in the past, so I stick with three to four shots spaced over about three hours and call it a party. So why did my head feel like I was back in the Corps after a five day pass?

I could hear growling somewhere left of me, so I turned and tried to peek through my eyes. The light burned all the same though. I covered my eyes before trying again, letting my eyes slowly adjust. What I saw was a young brown headed girl, stark naked, glaring at me like I stole her chocolates during her 'time of the month'. Naturally my first though was Oh, fuck. Did I rape this girl?. I bolted upright, which seemed to at least startle the young girl back. Taking stock of my surroundings, I came to some simple conclusions.

1: I was still wearing my suit from last night, which discouraged the rape theory.

2: I could feel all my possessions from the previous night in my pockets, so I wasn't robbed.

3: I was in the middle of a large plain, with no identifiable landmarks around me. I was lost.

There wasn't any clothes around us either, which meant she must have arrived here naked. Just what the hell kind of party went on last night?

Groaning, I picked up my fedora which lied beside me and stood to my full six foot height. The girl could wait, I needed to know where I was. I pulled out my smart phone and activated it. The girl stared up at me in what looked like mild awe before becoming intensely curious at the activation tone of my phone.  She reached for it, but I pulled away quickly, giving her a scolding huff. She backed down and whined in a kind of pitiful manner before I returned to my phone.

No bars? No Data? Just how far in the boonies did my would-be kidnappers take me? I put way my phone and sigh. The girl  went for the pocket I put my phone in and I turned on her. I didn't know what this chick's problem was, but I would not let her go through my belongings just because she was naked.

"Gachhh Rack!" My gargling words were followed by a series of throaty coughs. That was defiantly not right. Keeping the girl at arms length I tested my speech. No matter my language or dialect, all my words came out as growls and hacks. I knew too much alcohol could ruin a persons throat, but this was ridiculous! My throat didn't even have the tell--tale burn of liquor.

I decided to calm down and try to recall the previous night. I remembered drinking at my college graduation party. I had finally gotten my degree in political science. My cousin had let me lie down for a bit. There were still some guests, but all people I knew. I was going to get up in thirty minuets or so. Then there was that dream. The more I thought about it, the more I managed to remember. I was falling through some dark void. I panicked at first, but regained my senses. I recognized it was a dream, and used my considerable practice in lucid dreaming to take charge. 

I allowed my decent to continue, though at a controlled rate. My brain wanted to take me somewhere, so I figured I'd just ride it out. Then there was a voice. It was twisted, but not malevolent. It started talking about how I was supposed to do great things for humanity. I knew that, though. I didn't get a degree in political science and read Aristotle and Plato to wash dishes, after all. Then the voice said something about fitting in with the rest of the beasts, about playing my part in the game. I could feel my throat tingle then. I tried to speak but my words got more and more disjointed as I cried out.

It became immensely clear I was no longer in control of the dream, I had to make a choice. This voice obviously wanted me to play a part in whatever plan it had. It violated my dreams and was trying to alter me to fit into it's puzzle. This did not sit well with me, so I decided to take action. Going up seemed outside of my capabilities, and just sitting back was not an option, so I did what any sensibly mad man would do. 

I used what little control I had over the dream and plummeted down. 

The voice didn't seem to expect this and cried out. I heard something about a spell not being completed, but I didn't care. As long as I got away. I was not going to be a pawn in some cosmic chess game. I was a bishop, or at least a knight. Then, blackness until I woke up.

Strange dreams and waking up in the middle of nowhere next to a naked woman. Sounds like the setup for a new Hangover movie. I shook my head, trying to clear it. Muteness aside, I needed to find civilization. My current apparel wasn't fit for roughing it outdoors and I had no intention to test it's limits. After calculating the orientation of the sun to the approximate time of day and accounting for the moderate climate I walked in a random direction and kept going. One night isn't much time, so my would-be kidnappers couldn't have gotten me far from civilization.

The sound of footsteps behind me reminded me of the female. I don't know how I had forgotten about her, being that she was still in the buff, but I'll attribute it to the panic of being stranded in the middle of a field. I looked back at her and she stopped. She slouched a bit and had a curious, but passive face. Her head cocked to the side a bit, similar to how a dog's would. I opened my mouth to speak before I remembered my current condition. I closed my mouth with a frown, then jerked my head with a grunt, signalling my wish for her to follow. She seemed to understand and began to walk.

After the first few minuets of walking I reached into my pocket and habitually put the end of a stylus in my mouth, letting it hang like a cigarette. I never smoked, but my parents did, and while I abhorred tobacco, I kept the oral fixation. I had a mechanical pencil as well, but no paper to write on, otherwise I would have tried communicating with the girl. Within an hour we arrived at a treeline, and the girl seemed to cower a bit. I looked back inquisitively at her. Her face stayed passive, but she did growl a little.

I had to stop myself from asking her what was wrong. Being mute sucks. I instead gave a grunt and continued walking forward. The girl was apparently comfortable enough nude in the middle of nowhere, so what the hell should I care. Freaky nudists.

As I entered however I did feel a particular chill down my spine. none the less I pressed on. At least a forest has wood I can use for shelter and fire if it is absolutely necessary. I hope not, I spent four hundred dollars on this whole suit, over time mid you, but still.

The girl tentatively followed me, looking around anxiously at every rock and stump as if it was about to eat her. I noticed she kept that same impassive face this whole time, only really expressing emotion when she growled at me. And she never spoke, which led me to believe she may have had whatever I may have drank to mess my own throat up, but she didn't even seem concerned about it. It was a little creepy now that I thought about it. I would have dedicated more thought to it, had my foot not sunk into a patch of mud. Due to my silenced state, I could only swear in my head, but I did give a groan of annoyance at it. These were some of my best shoes! I could clean them later, but  I would have to walk around in muddy footwear for the rest of the day, which I was not a fan of.

I begrudgingly marched forward, eye twitching a bit with every squish of my foot. I perked up when I finally heard a voice.

"Stay away! Leave me alone! MOMMY!" It sounded like a young girl. A young girl under attack! My duty-senses tingling, I sprinted forward, only mildly inconvenienced by my muddy shoe. Reaching into my cot pocket, I pulled out the only weapon I could comfortably hide in the suit, a pen-knife. I thought I had disarmed myself before I started drinking last night, but now I was glad I made the oversight. Could have used my gun though.

I heard one more shriek of terror before I finally wheeled around a tree to the most disturbing sight I'd seen yet. Four naked men surrounding a small, awkwardly colored baby horse. Did I land in some sort of nudist colony or something? They all turned to see me staring at them. Each had a snarl on their face, as if trying to tell me to back off before turning back to their prey. I was more than happy to oblige, I didn't even see who made that cry for he-

"Please go away!" The little horse cried out. "I'll never come into the forest again! Just let me go!" I stood there for a few moments shocked as to what just happened in front of me. The horse talked. It spoke plain English, right in front of me. No tricks or illusion like from that Mr. Ed show from way back, but honest to God speaking, complete with emotional facial movements that looked eerily natural. I briefly considered finding a good sized rock to climb under and sleeping away this drug and alcohol fueled dream I seem to be having, but I swept that away. 

The girl showed up behind me and gave a sort of squawk before trying to hide behind the tree. It was too late to hide though, as one of the men had seen her and seemed to go wild. He was grunting and snarling up a storm before rushing over. Not liking the look in his eyes, I stepped between them. The man didn't seem to understand my "back the fuck off" stance, and howled in rage. He tried to rush me with a swing at my head, but I managed to side step and slashed him with my pen knife. The man gave a primitive howl of pain before backing away and cautiously looking down at his arm.

Emboldened by my small victory, I adopted a defensive stance and prepared for a protracted fight. The largest man of the group stepped forward and growled at me. He waved his arms around and prepared to fight.

It's like I'm dealing with cave men I thought to myself. I was still half of a foot taller than the man, but he had some serious bulk. I hadn't had any hand to hand combat practice for a few years, and while I was rusty, I was confident I remembered enough to stab this fool into submission if I needed to. The man blitzed me, trying to overpower me with his size. I responded with a swift kick to his groin. The man keeled over  in a heap. He still swung out at me, trying to take out my shins as he writhed on the ground, but I silenced him with a powerful kick to his temple.

I glared up to the remaining men, who seemed to reconsider their motives. I prepared to charge my would-be enemies before a much louder roar echoed through the forest, garnering all of our attention. The roar was followed by a repeated thumping sound. The humans panicked, scrambling away into the brush and out of sight. The girl cowered further behind her tree. The little talking horse, though, was petrified with fear. She sat still, eyes wide in the direction of the footsteps. I, myself, was both frightened and curious as to what could be big enough to cause such a ruckus just by walking.

"Manticore" I heard the little horse whisper. Well that answered that quest- wait a minute. What the heck was a Manticore?

That question was answered when a giant hybrid between a scorpion, a bat, and a lion burst from the foliage. Both the little horse and I had generally the same reaction. Scream like little girls and run. We both bolted from our spots in the opposite direction of the Manticore. The monster gave chase through the foliage as we jumped and dashed through the trees and brush. Looking ahead I saw the edge of a cliff. Rapidly running out of time, I needed to make a decision. I glanced down at the little horse. She seemed to be panicking too much to realize our predicament.

Acting swiftly, I put into motion a horribly though through plan made up in five seconds. I scooped up the little horse into my left arm and sprinted at the cliff. I could almost feel the Manticore's breath on my neck when I finally jumped. I frantically searched the cliff face below me for anything I could grab. Seeing my opportunity, my right hand shot out and grabbed a vine. I almost immediately realized this would pretty much ruin my shoulder. I tensed up for the pain, but it never came. The vine did instead.

The horse and I both wailed like banshees the whole swing down, landing about thirty yards away from a small pool of water in front of the cliff with a winding path leading away. I had to roll as I landed to protect the young horse. This was the first speaking creature I had run into, and I needed some answers. That could wait, though, as I laid myself out to rest. The Manticore seemed to decided following us was too much trouble, and ran off to chase some plump meal elsewhere. I stared up at the sky, trying to wrap my head around the craziness that had occurred since I woke up two hours ago.

First the nudists, then the talking horse, then the mythological monstrosity. I was at my whits end, and I hadn't even had breakfast yet. A pair of freakishly large eyes with yellow irises suddenly obstructed my view of what was a very pleasant sky.

"Umm... Mr. Human? Are you okay."

I'm not a fan of screaming at kids. It freaks them out, makes them cry, and sometimes has long lasting side effects not seen until adulthood. But if I could speak right now, oh the verbal onslaught that would ensue. This kid would learn so many new vocabulary words her head would spin. But since my current vocal abilities were somewhat limited, I settled for a good groan. I slowly sat up and rubbed my head. At some point my fedora had fallen from my head, and it now sat about five feet away. I shook my head to try to clear it. I got a better look at my would-be captive. She was about half way up my shin in height, and had a light purple coat. Actually, it's more of a lavender. Her mane and tail were blonde as her eyes and she had a spiral horn sticking from her head. Given that this was the second mythological creature I'd seen today (well, technically first, but that's besides the point), I took a moment to just stare at her.

"You're not hurt are you?" 

The precious darling wanted to know if I was hurt. She was adorable, in a fluffy animal sort of way. I shook my head and stood up. She craned her head up to look at me.

"Wow, you're really tall for a human. I think Applebloom might have some humans as big as you, but not many."

I raised my eyebrow at the little horse. 'Having humans'? That smelled like low tide at the pier, but I could dedicate thought to it later. I needed to find somewhere safe to both hide from anything else that may want to have a delightful brunch, and to finally get a dialogue going with this little... pony, I guess. Nowhere near big enough to be a horse, even a baby one. I walked over and retrieved my hat, placing it firmly on my head before looking around.

"So... Are you supposed to be with somepony? You're awfully dressed up for a human."

The little pony seemed to be more speaking at me than to me.

"I know! You can come home with me! Mommy will know who you belong to, she knows all kinds of stuff!"

Belong to? I don't belong to anyone but myself, little girl... pony... thing. I decided that in the interest of keeping myself from being eaten by any strange forest creatures, I would follow this little pony to her hut or village, or whatever. I suppose I should be surprised she spoke perfect English, but after being attacked by nudists and chased off a cliff by a monster, I really needed a nap. And a drink. I adjusted my now dirty suit, tilted my hat, and swept my arm out for her to lead the way. The little pony gave me a strange look before proceeding down the path.
> Chapter Two: I'm Great With Kids, Really!
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Chapter Two: I'm Great With Kids, Really!


I had followed the small pony who had introduced herself as 'Dinky Whooves' for about an hour before she began complaining of sore feet... hooves. Kids will be kids, I suppose, regardless of species. I the interest of keeping up the pace out of the Forest of Unspeakable Madness, or 'Everfree Forest' as Dinky had called it, I picked the pony up onto my shoulders. She resisted and squealed at first, but after she calmed down she enjoyed the new perspective the height would bring. She had taken to turning my hat as a way to 'steer' me towards our objective.

"Okay Mr. Human, We should be back to Ponyville soon." She said from her perch

Ponyville. Right. I suppose it's better than Horsieland or something. Now that our lives were not in immediate danger I had some issues to think out. Namely that I was now transporting a baby unicorn pony of myth and legend to her home in a land that was clearly not my own. I always wanted to travel after I left the service, but this was ridiculous. The humans from before seemed strange, and not just because they were naked as they day they were born. They were almost feral in their mannerisms, like a pack of wolves or something. The fact I literally can't get a word in edgewise doesn't help. The pain from the fall earlier is real enough to say this isn't a dream, so how on earth, or off Earth as the case may be, did I come to this strange land? We approached what appeared to be the edge of the forest and prepared myself. Wherever I was, it was clearly not home, so I had to expect anything. I stepped through the thicket into a field.

Okay, a western-style medieval town, that's not so bad. Two level buildings, thatched roofs, open air markets. Not as bad as it could be, not great, but not bad. All the multicolored horses seemed happy and healthy, strange markings on their flanks aside. Whenever they got around to inventing movies black and white films were going to be a bitch. Oh, more unicorns! And a pegusus! Many pegasus'es. Pegasi? Whatever. Oh they're moving around clouds! That's cool as shit! This whole world seems so amazing! Like a fantasy novel come to life! Was that human naked on a leash?... Well this just got creepy. I'm going back to the Forest o' Madness.

"Home is just this way, Mr. Human! Come on!" Dinky cried out, bouncing on my shoulders excitedly.

Oh right, I had a small child to get back to it's mother, then I could run for the hills. I calmly walked through the town trying not to cause a scene. Before I make and rash decisions, I need to know the culture. While the humans were tugged around on leashes, but they didn't seem to be resistant or even saddened by their apparent enslavement. They just kept that creepily emotionless face. I saw one man eating what appeared to be a very delicious apple pie, but showed no emotion during the eating, or when his handler came and dragged him away. He fought and was angry for a bit, but soon went back to his placid, emotionless state. 

I picked up my speed a bit in an attempt to focus my thoughts. These humans were not people. People are individual beings of a rational nature. These... husks have no rationality in them. They are animals, beasts apparently domesticated for pet life. Those two are fucking right in the middle of the market! Does nobody care!? Okay, their owners are coming to get them- no, no, now they're watching. This is sick. Madness incarnate. I need a nap. And alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

"Hey Dinky!" My decent into the recesses of my psyche were postponed due to my current charge's name being called by a small yellow pony with a red mane and bow. About the same size but lacking the horn Dinky did. She was accompanied by a white unicorn with purple and pink mane who seemed really uncomfortable and an orange pegasus with a purple mane and tale. More children. Great. I'm a God damn petting zoo. Still cute though. The trio ran up to me while Dinky waved at them from my shoulders.

"Hey guys!" My ward called out. The young ponies came up to the middle of my shins, causing them to arc their heads up pretty high to see her.

"Wow! who's human is this!? He's huge!" The orange pegasus asked. I'm only six feet tall. that's only a smudge above average, though what these ponies consider humans do seem to be a little shorter.

"He's mine!" Dinky replied, "I found him in the Everfree Forest after I got chased by some wild humans. Then we got chased by a manticore, but Mr. Human here got me away safely. We jumped off this big cliff, and I thought we were going to die, but then he reached out and grabbed a vine, and we swung down just like Daring Do!"

"Wow! That's so cool!" The orange pony exclaimed. Yeah. It was pretty bad ass. It also hurt like a bitch.

"Don't he look like he belongs ta someone though? He's got all them fancy duds after all." The yellow child said, looking up and down my suit. Hey! I don't belong to no one, sister. "He's really tall to! Mah sister only has a few humans a big as him!" That southern drawl was almost adorable enough to not make that statement creepy. Almost.

"Well it's finders keepers! Somepony left him alone in the Everfree Forest and he almost died there!" Dinky replied.

"Ahm not sure human adoptin' works like that Dinky" The yellow one said.

"I don't care Applebloom. I'm going to take him home and make him my pet!" Ah, so Applebloom is her name. That's a pretty name. A little on the hippie side for my taste, but for a colorful pony it really fit. Bigger issue though is that I will not be some little brat's pet, no matter how adorable she is. God, I need a notepad. I need to explain to these ponies that I am not some mindless animal. Hell, I'm probably the smartest person in this town.

"This ain't about Diamond Tiara bragging about he dad gettin her a human of her own, is it?" Applebloom asked. Oh? I'm being claimed for some childish 'I'm better than you' competition? Well that just makes everything okay.

"NO!" Convincing Dinky. Also, ow, right in my ear. "I don't care about stupid Diamond Tiara and her stupid human. I found him, so I'm taking him home." Actually I'm taking you home, kid.

"I't looks like he's taking you home, Dinky." Thank you orange pony. When my terrible wrath comes, you shall be spared.

"S-shut up!" Dinky yelled, again right in my ear. I decided it was time to end the conversation. The sun was starting to go down and I needed to get this kid home and find a place for myself to rest my head. I turned away from the little ponies, continuing on the path from before, much to Dinky's displeasure. She whined for a while, then settled on pouting and grumbling about the 'stupid human needing to be trained more'. I ignored her as I continued walking, taking in the scenery.  Overall the town seemed nice. All those... subhuman... humans freaked me out though. Other than them, it seemed like a little medieval hamlet. With Dinky's directions we arrived at a humble little cottage-style home. Cobblestone walls and a thatched roof like most of the buildings around with a stone chimney poking out the top. A mailbox sat out front that said 'Whooves' on the side and was bent at an angle, as if someone had run into it. I took the little pony up to her front door and knocked.

"Silly Mr. Human!" Dinky scolded in her adorable voice. "We live here, you don't have to knock!" Correction: You live here. I'm just visiting. I took her off my shoulders and held her in my arms as the door opened to a grey colored pegasus with a blonde mane and tail. The image on her flank was one of a stream of bubbles. Her eyes were off center briefly before focusing on the two of us before she gasped. "Hi Momma! Look what I found! Can we keep him!?" You most certainly can not!

"You most certainly can not!" These ponies seem to be able to read my thoughts. Chickenmougua Chickenmogua Chickenmogua Blast!. No response. good, my thoughts are safe. I put the young child down and her mother swept her up in her wings. "You can't just take someone else's human sweetie! That's stealing." the mother scolded her child. Normally I'd agree with her, but since I'm not property the argument falls flat.

"But he doesn't belong to someone momma! He was all alone in the Everfree Forest, with no one around! Please!" Oh no, she's going for those toddler eyes. The ones that ensnare parents to their children's whims, exept now their ten times effective due to the pony's large eyes. Avert your gaze, woman! Look away!

"Well... Okay. But just for one night, and then we look for his owner. Nopony would pay for such nice clothes for their human if they didn't want to keep it." No! Another parent lost to the tyranny of children! Well at least she can recognize a quality suit when she sees one. either way, I will not take part. I brought the child home, and now it was time to take my leave. I turned away and began walking down the path back to the main road.

"Wait! Mr. Human! You're supposed to come inside!" I heard Dinky cry. Nope. I'll find my own place to stay, even if it is in the dark. I'm sure I can find my way around. I'm a free and independent man! No one can hold me back! This darkness means nothing! On a strange new world. Filled with horrific monsters of legend. With no weapons but my puny pen knife. Alone. Was that a bunch of wolves howling in the distance? Well, I suppose one night in a warm cottage couldn't hurt.

I removed my hat as I entered the home. The inside of the cottage was warm and cozy. A couch, two armchairs, a fireplace, kitchen nook, separate bedrooms. It looked  a bit like the inside of one of those retreat cabins they have in the mountains, only a bit smaller. I had to stoop down to get through the door, and the top of my hair brushed the surprisingly flat ceiling. While the fireplace wasn't lit, the space was lit up by a lamp. I assumed it was an oil lamp until I got closer and saw it was an actual bulb. An electric lamp! What was an electric lamp doing in the middle of a medieval era town was beyond me. No chords, maybe battery powered? A peak into the kitchen nook and saw a honest to God refrigerator. What the hell? Freaking talking horses can't make roofing shingles, but can power electronics? Whatever. The sight of the refrigerator did remind me that I hadn't eaten all day, which my stomach seemed more than happy to confirm.

"It sounds like our guest is a little hungry." The mother said with a bright smile. "Dinky, why don't you set him up with a bowel of fruit, and I'll get started on dinner."

"Okay momma!" Dinky replied, beaming that she got to take care of what she considered her new pet. While I was more than capable to make my own food, it would be considered rude and possibly violent if I just started rummaging through all my hosts food stuffs, especially when they just offered to feed me. I placed my hat on an armchair and gave myself a look over. my suit was dirty from my romp in the forest, and was tattered in a few spots. I really hoped this place had a tailor or something, this suit cost me a pretty penny. At least my hat wasn't damaged. I took my coat off, leaving me in my shirt and vest, and fished my valuables out of it's pockets. I didn't have much. Mechanical pencil, ink pen, my pen knife, and a pocket New Testament. I stored these Items with my wallet, smartphone, and a few cents change in my pants.

"Here you go Mr. Human!" Dinky came in with a bowel of fruit balanced on her back. She looked up at me and tilted her head. "Why'd you take your jacket off?" I held the tattered thing up for her to see. She looked closely and smiled. "My friend Sweetie Belle's sister can fix that! She's a really good dressmaker, so I'm sure she could fix it, but I'm pretty sure Sweetie is scared of humans, so we would have to bring it to her house when she was out." While I was thrilled to hear I could get my suit repaired, something told me it wouldn't be as easy as Dinky described. Besides, I didn't have any local money, and I doubt a bank would be able to exchange the few bills in my wallet. I sighed. Problems for the future. Right now I needed some grub.

I took the bowl from Dinky's back and sat on the couch. I then noticed I had no silverware.While it would be more convenient to have such luxuries, I didn't really need them to eat fruit and I was really starving. I picked up an apple slice and gave it a bite. It was good. Really good. Better than any apple I'd ever tasted. I nearly lost my cool at the sweet fruit when I also noticed how juicy it was. It practically oozed fluids, which both ran down my chin and my hand, threatening to get all over my dress shirt and tie. While the apple was good, I really didn't want to ruin one of the few clean articles of clothing I had left.

I stood up, startling Dinky who had been watching me eat, and made my way to the kitchen. Dinky's mother was wearing an apron and leaning over the stove, another questionable technology that defied the logic of this setting. She seemed to be grilling some vegetables or something. She looked a little perturbed at my entrance, and even more so when I started searching the drawers. Stirring spoons, spatulas, a cheese grater, strainer, why do ponies have all these different utensils if they don't have fingers? I found the forks and a few napkins for my chin in a small drawer on the far left, right next to Dinky's mom. I grabbed it, and took a sniff at what she was cooking. Decent, but bland. It needed some spice. The mother briefly stopped her cooking to look at me.

"W-what? Like what you smell, big guy?" She chuckled nervously. Instead of responding, because I couldn't, I carefully searched the near-barren spice rack. I grabbed a few and sprinkled them over her shoulder before returning to the living room and my fruit. Dinky had climbed up on the couch and taken to apparently levitating a slice of apple. The sight of the floating apple perturbed me, but seeing her horn glowing the same color as the small field around the apple showed a clear correlation, and seeing as she was a unicorn, why not have telekinesis powers as well? If I'm going to survive in this world, I'm going to need to keep my mind open to possibilities. What other powers does this world's residents posses? What could they do to me? What could I do to them? When will I stop distracting myself from eating some God damn food? Shut up stomach, you're not a part of this conversation.

I sat down and plucked the apple bit from the field with my newly acquired fork. This seemed to break Dinky's concentration as she plopped back down with a confused gaze. I inspected the apple bit and , seeing no imperfections, took a small nibble. The taste wasn't any different, and was the same temperature as before, so I don't think I would have to worry about radiation. I took a satisfying bite out of the apple, leaning forward over the bowl and dabbing my chin to prevent my clothes from getting messy. Dinky watched in awe for a moment before sprinting to the kitchen.

"Momma! Momma! Look at what Mr. Human can do!" Can do? Of course I can use a fork. I want to know how you use a fork. Bloody ponies. I was halfway through the bowl before Dinky's mother managed to tear herself away from the stove. She came in, saw me eating, and gasped.

"Well if there was any doubt before, there isn't any now. This human clearly belongs to someone. No human can pick up these kinds of habits without serious training." Dinky seemed depressed that her discovery would take away her new 'pet'. "But who would train their human like this? I've never heard of somepony training their human to eat like that." She seemed to be lost in thought as her eyes seemed to drift apart. I tried not to notice. I had a buddy a few years ago who had a lazy eye, he had a few problems with depth perception, but  he didn't let it hold him back. He became one of those big-time internet artists. 

We sat there as I finished off the bowl of fruit. Once I was done, I leaned back to let my digestive enzymes do their work, setting the bowl to the side. My blissful haze of 'just finished a good meal' was interrupted, however, when the distinctive smell of smoke drifted through the kitchen door way. Dinky's mom seemed to realized it at the same time, snapping from her haze and flying back to the stove. I followed her in to find that the grilling vegetables had apparently burst into flames. Dinky's mom was in a panic and immediately tried throwing water onto the fire, only for the flames to jump from the frying pan to the rest of the stove. Christ, woman! How much oil did you use!?

Acting swiftly, I grabbed my coat from the armchair and began trying to smother the flames. The distraught mother caught on quickly and began using a large dish towel in a similar manner. We eventually got the fire down, but not before my coat got ruined and my shirt and vest burnt and covered in soot. Dinky's mother went to the living room to comfort her child, who had begun crying as the chaos occurred. I myself decided to fix a new dish for the pair, seeing as their dinner was just destroyed. I went into the fridge, whose properties were that of a normal fridge despite the apparent time period, and proceeded to make a pair for fruit bowls. Simple, easy and quick. I brought the meals out to the mother and daughter, placing the bowls before them. They stared at me. It was one of those awe/shocked stares that got awkward if it lasted too long. Aaaaaand now it's awkward. I shuffled my feet for a moment before making a retreat back to the kitchen. The fates, it seemed though, were not with me, as my body chose that moment to remind me I hadn't vacated my bowels all day, what with fleeing for my life and experiencing enough culture shock to power New York City for a week. I made a hasty bee line towards what I assumed was the bathroom, trying hard not to notice the stares.

I opened the small door and saw a short sink, a pony sized tub, and what looked like a traditional Japanese toilet. Got it in one. I shut the door, securing the sliding lock, and proceeded to try to figure out how to do my business. Maybe if I just squat over like this...






Dinky Whooves


I watched Mr. Human go into the bathroom and heard the lock slide shut. It didn't make sense, humans weren't this smart. Humans usually go just wherever until you house train them. That's what Applebloom says. He brought me home, ate with a fork, helped put out that big fire, and then made me and mommy dinner. Mommy is right. He's way to well trained and dressed to be a human somepony just abandoned. His owners probably miss him very much. But what was he doing in the Everfree Forest then? It just didn't make any sense. I looked at the fruit bowl Mr. Human had made for me. Diamond Tiara said her daddy got her the best human money could buy, but it was still a stupid animal. It just stood there and stared. Mr. Human doesn't just stare, he looks. When we were going through town, he kept looking at all the different things and making faces at them. He actually looked happy sometimes, but mommy said humans can't smile. I ate the fruit slowly as I thought.

"Mommy, why can't humans smile?" I asked. Mommy would know. She's smart like that.

"I-I don't know muffin. They just can't. You could probably ask Miss. Sparkle at the library, she knows more about it than I do, or she has a book on it." Mommy answered. She was right, Miss. Sparkle was one of the smartest ponies in Ponyville. If anyone knew it was her.

"Mr. Human can smile, though." I said, "I saw it earlier today when he was looking at the weather teams. He had a smile on and I think he even laughed a little."

"I think Mr. Human might be a little different from most humans, Dinky." Mommy said while picking at her own fruit. She was right. Mr. Human was different. Maybe we could take him to see Miss Fluttershy tomorrow. She knows all about animals. She'll be able to tell how special Mr. Human is! We heard the water running in the bathroom and then the lock slide open. Mr. Human walked out and looked at us. We looked back. Mr. Human looked nervous for a bit, shifting from foot to foot. Then he gave a smile and side stepped into mommy's bedroom, closing the door. Mommy gasped, I guess she didn't really believe me when I told her Mr. Human could smile. Me and mommy finished the fruit bowls, though mommy ate a bit slower. She put up the dishes and sent me to bed. I went to sleep thinking about showing off how cool my human was in school tomorrow. Even if Mommy says I can't keep him, it doesn't mean I can't show up Diamond Tiara and all her bragging.






Derpy Whooves


I sat nervously in one of the chairs opposite my room. That strange human was in there, most likely sleeping in his weird clothes. I didn't want to show it in front of Dinky, but that human scared me. The way he moves is too sharp and precise to be normal. Every action was with a purpose, every look gathering information. He was smart. Too smart. Too smart for any human. So what was he? I got down and slowly made my way to the door. I hesitated before I opened it. What if he was mean? What if he wanted to hurt us? I had to shake those thoughts away. If he had wanted to hurt us, he would have had plenty of opportunity. 

I opened the door to the sight of the human without his fancy shirt and vest on. Instead he had a white shirt without all the buttons his other one had, and it didn't cover his arms. He was looking in the mirror rubbing his face before he turned to look at me. I shrunk a little under his gaze. He had a different look in his eyes than humans. It was a little intimidating.

"D-don't mind me. I was just getting to bed. G-gotta big day tomorrow." I stuttered. He smiled, smiled, again and nodded. He understood me! He could understand us this whole time! I didn't expect what came next. He picked me up gently and carried me to bed. I panicked a little, my instincts telling me to flee, but he began stroking my mane and I calmed down. His fingers felt so good running through my hair. It was relaxing. He stroked my mane a few more times after he put me in my bed, then collected his clothes and left. I fell right asleep.

That night I dreamed of the human. I had actually been thinking about getting a human from Applejack for a while. one that could help me with some of the household chores and play with Dinky, but also kinda to give me something to cuddle up with. I wasn't one of those 'fanciers' who do... intimate things with their humans. Ever since Dinky's father Starbright passed on, I've been a little lonely. None of the stallions in town wanted to go out with me, didn't want to be with a klutz with a wonky eye. But humans don't judge like that. I was planning on sometime soon seeing if Applejack had any particularly cuddly ones. She usually just breeds humans for labor in the fields, but occasionally she gets one she can't use because he is just a little to short, or don't play well with other humans. Most are fine with ponies though.

But this human, he was really different. He really understood me to! I-if I asked... Would he cuddle with me? Or if he is as smart as I think, would he just send me away, like the other stallions? My dreams were conflicted that night. Some of them were filled with peaceful cuddling, but others were of rejection from not just him, but all humans and stallions, doomed to be lonely forever.

I woke up to the smells and sounds of breakfast cooking. Immediately fearing Dinky had tried to get he cooking cutie mark without me again (an idea she got from those Cutie Mark Crusaders), I rushed out of my room into the kitchen. The human was there, still in just his simple shirt, crouched over the stove cooking some strips of hay bacon and eggs. On the table was some bowls of sliced fruit. The human seemed to be humming a tune as he worked. I walked to the table and saw a note next to the apple slices. I gasped as I read it.




My name is Peter Williams.
I am an alien with no way home.
Please enjoy breakfast.



> Chapter Three: The Magic Number
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter Three:



Peter Williams


The mare stood there as I stirred the food. I had no idea what the hell Hay Bacon was like, but did carry the same greasy aroma of regular bacon. Eggs, while never my preferred source of protein, could be seasoned to satisfactory tastes. Hopefully I could find better sources of meat in town. I doubt it since ponies seem to be primarily vegetarians, but there was always a fleeting chance. I finished up the food and placed them on a plate on the table. I had to stoop down to do a lot, but I suppose that's what comes with being six feet tall in a home for beings only up to my belly button. 

The mare continued to look between me and my note. Yeah, if my new dog suddenly shouted 'I'm an alien, Eat my food!' I'd probably freak out too. I decided to ignore her until she snapped out of her stupor. I fixed myself a bowl and started to chow down. The Hay bacon tasted nothing like real bacon, and even the copious amounts of frying couldn't negate the fact I was essentially eating hay. I stopped after my first bite and began eating the fruit. It was just as juicy as last night, so I still had to lean forward. I only had one undershirt, and until I could find a way to wash my dress shirt, it was the only clean shirt I had. Well, clean if you ignored the fact I slept in it... twice. I finished off my meal as Dinky, bleary eyed from waking up, walked in and took a seat at the table.

"Good morning momma. What's for breakfast?" The little unicorn asked. Her mother didn't answer her though, one eye locked on the note I'd left and the other drifting to the left. I pushed a plate of hay bacon and fruit in front of her. "Oh! Thanks Mr. Human!"

"Williams..." The mother muttered, barley loud enough to hear.

"What did you say, mom?" Dinky asked.

"His name is Peter Williams, dear..." The poor mind scrambled mare slid the note over to her daughter without looking at her. Dinky looked at the note and read it. When she finished her eyes rose to my face, which was adorned by a smirk and a raised eyebrow. 

"You're an alien!" she exclaimed in astonishment. I gave a snort of amusement and nodded. "That's so cool! I have an alien as a pet! This is going to be awesome!" That would be a problem. Time to nip this in the bud. I sat the little pony down and wrote out another note off notepad who's original purpose I believe was a to-do list.




I am NOT your pet.
I am not one of those troglodytes you ponies call humans.
I am an intelligent being with dignity.




"Oh... okay. Sorry Mr. uh, Williams. I didn't mean to upset you." Ah damn it. Now she's going to cry. I was tempted to just let her cry, after all I need these ponies to understand I won't be pushed around, but see was the one who got me out of the forest and into safety. Even if I did save her first, I did owe her one. I wrote another note.




It's okay, stop the waterworks.
I'm not upset, I just wanted to be clear about our situation.
I'd prefer to be a guest than a slave.




"Y-you're not a slave!" Dinky cried, "I just wanted you to be my human so I could show you off at school and stuff." I gave a small huff of amusement as I wrote my response.




So I'd be an accessory? An object to be ogled at and shown off like a jewel?
How is being treated as such any different from enslavement?




Dinky sniffed a little, "Not much I guess. I'm sorry." Instead of writing my response I rubbed her head playfully, smiling. The scent of something burning filled the air. What was that? It smelled like burnt...

THE BACON!

I rushed back to the stove, where the hay bacon had begun to burn and smolder. I quickly tried to salvage as much as I could, but most of it was inedible. I waved a washcloth in the air, trying to dissipate the smoke that had accumulated. I sheepishly looked back to Dinky's mother, trying to apologize for almost setting her kitchen on fire. She was still sitting there, with the same look on her face. Her other eye had drifted off center as well. This was getting a little scary. I stepped forward and waved my hand in front of her. No response. I snapped my fingers by her ears. No response. Finally I nudged her a little. This seemed to get her attention as both eyes found place facing me.

Then she screamed. I screamed as well. Hey you have someone suddenly scream in you're face with no warning!

"ALIEN!" The mare backpedaled out of her chair and to the wall. "ALIEN! THERE'S AN ALIEN IN MY HOUSE! AND IT MADE ME BREAKFAST! WHAT!? HOW!?" She seemed to be trying to both not look at me, as if denying my existence, and keeping her eyes deadlocked on me to ensure I didn't suddenly lunge to eat her face off. Dinky seemed to take the initiative and rushed to her mother.

"Momma! Momma! Stop! Please! You're scaring me!" The young girl cried out. Even the young girl's pleading didn't seem to break the horrific trance her mother seemed to be in. The mare shook terribly and held a silent shriek behind clenched teeth. I needed to do something, and an idea soon formed in my mind. I slowly inched forward, hands out cautiously. As I neared Dinky's mother she tried to recoil in fear, but couldn't because of the wall. I let out soft shushes to try and calm the mare as I got within arms reach. I took the mare into my arms, careful to avoid any flailing hooves, and began stroking her mane like I had the previous night. I had done it before to try to make friendly with my gracious host, but now I pet her to try to calm her panicked state of mind. 

As my hand rubbed her yellow hair the mare did indeed calm down. As we sat there for several minuets I had time to think at how horrible an idea this actually was. If this mare hadn't been literally scared stiff, she could have killed me! Last night I would have backed off if she put up to much of a fuss, but today I went in gung-ho when she was petrified. Cornered rats will often try to fight the cat, and in this case the rat might have actually had the advantage in a fight, particularly because the cat didn't want to hurt her. Short story, I got lucky with a stupid idea. I would have to be more careful in the future; just because these ponies are soft and fluffy doesn't mean they enjoy hugs and petting.

After the mare settled down I let her go. She slowly walked out of my grip and to her daughter. I stood back up and took to standing by the wall while the mother collected herself.

"I'm sorry for my outburst." The mare said with a small amount of shame. Nothing really to be ashamed of,  I know if you really wanted to hurt us you would have done it already. So I guess since we can sort of talk, would you mind answering a few questions?" I smiled and nodded. She was just told an alien intended to take up board in her house, she was entitled to some Q&A. We moved to the table facing each other with Dinky in the middle. I got my notepad down and checked the lead in my pencil.

"So, first of all, if you're an alien, where are you from?"




I hail from the grand state of Alabama,
United States of America, Planet Earth, Sol System,
Milky Way Galaxy




The mother read my note aloud and cocked her head to the side, "I've never heard of any of those places."




I should think not, this is clearly a different planet, 
and seeing as my people can't get a man beyond Mars
It rules out space travel. I believe I may have crossed dimensions.




"W-what!?" The mare asked. "What do you mean dimensions?"




According to multiverse theory, for every possibility there exists a universe where it came to be.
For example, there may be a universe somewhere in which you were never born, 
and another in which you became queen of the world.
I have apparently crossed a bridge between my world and your's somehow.




The mother sat quietly for a bit before speaking, "Wow. I never thought a human could ever be so smart, but I suppose if you're an alien, you don't count." I gave her a confident smirk in reply. The mare continued, "So if you're from a whole other world, when do you plan on going home?"I frowned at this as I wrote my reply.




As soon as I am capable. At the moment I'm not sure how I got here to begin with.




"Are you lost, Mr. Williams?" Dinky asked. I gave her a solemn nod. I was indeed lost, abandoned on a strange world like Planet of the Apes, but with ponies instead of primates. I wrote one more note before passing it over to Dinky's mother.




I will be more than willing to earn my keep, or find a source of money to supply rent.




"What, you mean find a job?" She asked. I nodded. "You can't!" She exclaimed, "I mean, think of how ponies would react! Even if they don't believe the alien thing, they'll still freak out about a human who's so intelligent. Worse, somepony might try to hurt you, or take out your brain or-" She cut herself off when she glanced at her clock. "Oh No! I'm late for work! We'll talk about this when I get home! I need to go. Don't leave the house, okay?" I decided to listen for now, wouldn't do to test my new landlord's patience just yet. I gave a calm nod. "Dinky, you need to get to school before you're late as well."

"Okay momma. Have a good day at work!" Dinky said as her mother ran out the door. "I should get going too. School starts soon." She ran into her room and grabbed her backpack, or saddlebags rather, and headed out the door. "Bye Mr. Williams! Sorry again for the whole slave thing." I took a moment to appreciate how strange that statement sounded out of context. Within another second she was gone, and I was alone. Setting down the pad and pencil, I went to the living room and lied on the couch to collect my thoughts.

I was stuck in the house for the next several hours, so I might as well capitalize on the opportunity. I needed to gather information on this world, I needed to know the geography, political systems, countries, history, and cultures. Some men dream of being great explorers, charting new worlds and discovering amazing things, and now the opportunity literally dropped into my lap. I needed to go about this smart though, being seen as a thing instead of a person would make me a target for even the 'civilized' population. I need some sort of legal protection, and the first part of that would be getting recognized as a person. 

I though for a brief moment about what might occur without that protection. Without the protection of at least recognition of person hood, and no documentation linking me to Dinky and her family, I could be easily mistaken as a well mannered stray, or property of one of the well connected elite. I can assume clothing is considered a luxury, seeing as almost all the ponies and humans I've seen so far have been naked as the day they were born. With clothes as nice as mine, I might be claimed by some aristocrat, forced into service for them. Naturally I would fight for my independence, but if none acknowledged my person hood, I would be at it alone, against the entire world. 

Heroic movie, but terrifying in real life. Nope, gonna get me some citizenship, or at least a work visa.

First thing's first though, I needed to clean my clothes. I'd been sweating and sleeping in them for the past two days, and I could tell they were getting rank. Again, given clothing's exclusivity in this equine world, washer and driers seemed out of the question. By hand it was then. I filled a tub with hot water, mixed in some crushed soap, and set all my clothes in to soak. From there, since I was already naked, I went to the bathroom to wash myself. The bathtub was made for a pony half my size, so fitting in it was a bit of an affair, but I managed to get a decent shower in. Once out and dried off with two of the Hooves' small towels, I looked in the mirror to see myself. I noticed a distinct stubble growing at my sideburns and neck. I would have to add razors to my list of things to get in town. I was growing a neck beard, ruining the manly goatee I had been maintaining for months. With the new shopping item cataloged in my mind, I returned to the tub of clothes and began scrubbing.

As I performed my task, I was again struck by just how strange the scene would have seemed to me one year ago. Naked in an alien's kitchen washing my clothes the old fashioned way. Well technically II'm  the alien, but it all is other worldly to me. I had planned to do great things with my life, become a congressman or governor, move on up as a potential presidential candidate, go out and do things people would remember me for. Now I was willing to be more or less a man servant to keep a roof over my head. Baby steps, Peter, baby steps. Who knows, maybe I could become this world's Leonardo da Vinci. Unlikely, but hey, a man can dream.

Once my shirts were satisfactorily stain free, I hung them over the sink to dry. Since I wasn't about to gallivant out-of-doors in naught but by birthday suit, I settles for the place where the dripping would cause the least mess, and the sun could still dry them. I even opened the window to try to use the wind to help. From there I washed my underwear and pants. My suit coat was still tattered and damaged, so I didn't need to wash it until it was fixed, and my hat was dry clean only. I began whistling a happy tune as I washed my clothes.

Do do do do do, Inspector Gadget, do do do do do doo dooo 






Dinky Whooves


I ran along the path to school, excited to tell my friends about Mr. Williams. I had an actual alien in my house! The Crusaders were going to freak when I told them. Diamond Tiara would most likely try and call me a liar though. That's why I wanted to bring Mr. Williams with me today, to show I wasn't a liar and Diamond Tiara was just being a bully as usual. When her daddy had gotten her her human, she paraded it in the classroom, saying it was the best human ever, even better than any of the Apples' humans. That really got on Applebloom's nerves, and the two got into it. Miss Cheerilee had to separate them for the rest of the day. Even then Diamond Tiara had gloated over her human, having it carry her all around the playground so she could be above everypony.

Just like what I had wanted to do with Mr. Williams. He was right, all I wanted was to have him parade me around like Diamond Tiara made hers do, and that was what he wanted to avoid. Even if he couldn't talk, Mr. Williams had a lot of pride in his intelligence, and he didn't want to be treated like a stupid troggie thing. And I shouldn't treat him like one, whatever it was. I wondered what Mr Williams was doing at that moment. Probably super important alien things! 

I smiled wide as the school house came into view. Lots of foals had already arrived and were going inside to take their seats. I ran inside and sat down just as Miss Cheerilee came in. 

"Okay everypony, calm down. It's time to start the day. Is everypony here?" She looked around the class. "Umm, where's Diamond Tiara?"

"Here I am, Miss Cheerilee!" Diamond Tiara's voice screeched as she rode on on the shoulders of her human. It was about five feet and four inches tall and had short hair. He also looked really thin, his legs shaking just a little bit, and he was a little hunched over. It's face looked placid and uninterested, like all other humans. Well, most other humans. Mr. Williams was a special case. "Sorry I'm late Miss Cheerilee, Chuckie here got distracted by the bakery and it took me fifteen minuets to get him back on course." She accentuated her explanation with a bob on the human's head. The creature didn't respond outside of a grunt. I suddenly had a greater appreciation for Mr' Williams expressive habits. If he was as limited as normal humans I never could have told if he was uncomfortable or upset.

"Well you know the rules Diamond Tiara, no humans in the classroom. You'll have to tie up Chuckie outside." Miss Cheerilee said. Diamond Tiara acknowledged her and took her human back outside. When she came back in and took her seat the school day began. By second period an argument broke out.

"Would you jus shut up Diamond Tiara!? Yer human ain't all that good!" I heard Applebloom behind me cry out.

"Don't be jealous just because your family can't breed a human as perfect as my Chuckie, Applebloom!" Diamond Tiara responded.

"Yer human ain't perfect! He slouches too much an looks half starved!" Applebloom retorted.

"He just hasn't gotten used to carrying me around yet is all, and daddy says if he misbehaves I'm supposed to take away his dinner, and he didn't do any tricks when I told him to, so he didn't get any food yesterday." Diamond Tiara answered, looking away from Applebloom.

`"He looks like he hasn't been fed in days!" Applebloom contested.

"Well he still refuses to do the trick!" Diamond Tiara defended herself.

"WHAT! Ya can't just let humans go hungry like that! They can go crazy if they ain't been fed!" Applebloom exclaimed, finally getting Miss Cheerilee to intervene.

"GIRLS! What have I told you about arguing during class?" She scolded the pair, who were decent enough to look ashamed. "This is the third time this week you two have started arguing about Diamond Tiara's human, and I want you to stop." While Miss Cheerilee scolded Applebloom and Diamond, I spotted Chuckie from the corner of my eye. He was lunging at a big bug, but was held back by his leash Diamond had tied to a post. He reached further and further, even starting to choke himself on the collar and making the post tilt. The bug made a fatal mistake, jumping just a little closer than it should have. Chuckie managed to get a hold of it, and quickly ate it. His face had no joy at the kill or eating, only looking placid as he ate his bug with no hesitation and just cramming it in his mouth. He was so unlike Mr. Williams. 

Mr. Williams would have tried to remove the leash when he realized it was holding him back. He would have been more hesitant to just eat an icky bug. He would have found something else to eat. Actually, he never would have let Diamond Tiara push him around like Chickie did. Mr. Williams would have shoved that leash right back in Diamond Tiara's face and smiled. Chuckie couldn't even smirk. 

When Miss Cheerilee got done with Applebloom and Diamond Tiara I asked, "Miss Cheerilee? Why can't humans smile?"

She sighed and responded, "Well Dinky , it's not really known. They have all the muscles to smile, but there has never really been a study about it, at least none that came up with conclusive answers. It's just one of those unknown facts of life. Humans can't smile. Now I would like to return to our lesson, if we could, about applying thermodynamics in the weather cycle, and how our weather teams have to compensate." The school bell rang, signaling the beginning of lunch period and recess following. Miss Cheerilee let out an exhausted huff and gave up, returning to her desk as the children ran out the door to eat their lunches outside.

Everypony stopped when they heard Diamond Tiara's voice yell out "WHERE'D MY HUMAN GO!" I ran outside with the rest of the fillies and colts to see the post Chuckie was tied to uprooted from the ground and dragged a few feet where it had fallen off the leash. 

Chuckie had escaped.

	
> Chapter Four: Why Do I Ever Go Outside?
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Derpy Hooves

I trotted home from work with haste, avoiding eye contact with everypony. How was I supposed to act? There was an ALIEN in my HOUSE! Who could I tell? Who should I tell? Should I tell the guard? No, Mr. Williams is nice, he doesn't deserve to be arrested just for being different from the rest of the humans. But was he really nice, or was he just pretending? He didn't seem violent, but we had only known him for a day! Oh, why did it have to be so hard?

I finally arrived home and opened the door. Mr. Williams was lounging on my couch with a towel around his waist while reading the newspaper. He looked up when I opened the door and panicked for a moment. He jumped up, causing the towel to fall from it's place around his waist. in a flash the paper took it's place as he tried to reach down and retrieve the cloth. I had never seen a human blush before, probably because they couldn't feel embarrassment, but Mr. Williams did light up brightly. Keeping the paper in front of him, he quickly sidestepped into the kitchen.

I stood there, watching the doorway, wondering what caused his reaction. It's not like I hadn't seen a human penis before. Humans went around naked all the time in Ponyville, and while some teenagers would snicker and stare once hormones hit, most everypony just ignored it. It's not like ponies wore clothes either, outside of social events. Maybe it was an alien thing? I waited in the living room for a few minuets before he walked back in, fully clothed like he had yesterday, minus the coat which was draped on his arm. In his hands were the notepad I used for grocery shopping lists, his metal pencil he wrote with this morning, and a pre-prepared note.




Sorry about that, I washed my clothes this morning and was waiting for them to dry over the sink.
I didn't mean to give you the free show.




I read his note and smiled, shaking my head, "It's okay. Humans are naked just about all the time. I didn't see anything anyway, so you don't need to be embarrassed." He shook his head and continued writing.




No, it's not. Among my people it is considered massively inappropriate to appear naked
or really in a state of undress in front of someone who is not a close friend or lover. It implies...




He looked away as he considered how to phrase his thoughts.




Intimacy.




I read the words and, as I began to understand his meaning, my own face began to flush. If being naked implied... intimacy ... then appearing naked in front of me would mean a want to... I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Just thinking about such a thing made me uncomfortable. I could already feel my wings twitch against my own will, so I didn't want to delve any deeper down that hole. While I was having my momentary space out, Mr. Williams had continued writing.




If it is possible, I would like to go to the market today.
I have a small list of things I need to get, and I need some source of income.




Oh, yeah. I had forgotten about our conversation earlier this morning. I sighed, "Like I said this morning, Mr. Williams, you can't. Humans don't get jobs for money, they mostly do manual labor for food from their owners. It's not like you can just walk into Town Hall and get a work pass." The human smirked.




Funny, that's what I plan to do.




I gaped at him. "You can't do that! Everypony will know you're intelligent then!"




That's kind of the point.
I don't fancy the idea of living my life as a particularly talented animal.
I am still an intelligent being, and I must demand the dignity that comes with it.




I stared at him. Here I was, wondering how we were going to keep his secret, and he was planning the equivalent of declaring it in the town square. I could feel a headache coming on, and I rubbed my head. "We can talk about this later. Give me that list, I'll buy you whatever you need for now, I have some bits saved up." I reached for the paper, but he pulled it away, scribbling furiously at the notepad.




No! You have already taken me, an alien into you're home, I cannot let you buy me my essentials as well while it is in my power to earn them.




I sighed. He was dead set on this. I needed to go to the market anyway to get the supplies for dinner. "Fine, you can come to the market with me. We can talk about this on the way, just don't do any writing where ponies can see you. I don't want to know the kind of chaos that would unfold if ponies figured out a human could be intelligent." He rolled his eyes, but reluctantly nodded. 




Very well, I agree. I must thank you again Miss...




The human looked at me briefly, then smacked his face with his palm. He scratched out what he wrote before and replaced it.




I just realized I've been living in your home for a day, and I don't even know your name.




I chuckled reading this, and smiled. "My name is Derpy, Derpy Whooves, Mr. Williams" I held out my hoof. He took it with a smile and gave a firm shake. When he let go he wrote down on the pad:




A pleasure, Miss Whooves, And please, call me Peter.









Peter Williams


I followed Derpy down the road towards Ponyville, satisfied that we were able to come to some sort of agreement. It would take some time to convince her of my need for civil protection, time I wasn't sure I had, but I still wouldn't want to just sneak off and do something like this behind her back. She was a kind, caring individual. That left me in a bind, though, as I still needed to get some supplies, namely a razor to shave, extra clothes, preferably something more durable than my dress clothes, better writing supplies, and a few odds and ends.

I didn't mind the 'no writing where the ponies can see you' rule, since it is difficult to write and walk at the same time anyway, the my handwriting is marginally better than chicken scratch if I'm not trying to be neat, so doing it while walking would only complicate the issue. I suppose I can understand why she would be nervous about letting my alien-hood be known, the government busting down her door for questions being the best of all possible outcomes. When I make my move, I'll have to be proactive in my introduction. I can't expect the ponies to just come and politely request an interview. I'll probably need my own home by that point, but how to get one? 

I suppose I'd have to talk to the ponies at Town Hall, figuratively, of course. from what I was able to gather from the newspaper I read, the cities and towns of Equestria were governed by elected mayors, then another level of authority at a regional level, then a sort of two monarch absolute rule, almost like the Consoles of Rome. I would need to do more research into how this world's political system. everything I know so far is based on what I read in the paper, which means I know nothing at all.

"Okay, so we need some carrots, a few apples, some celery, some daffodils, and a few more ingredients. then we can go to Human-Mart to get some supplies and diet pills." Derpy listed off our objectives for our excursion.  I rolled my eyes. If this really was an all-veggie society, integration was going to suck. Then again, with this many humans about, maybe they had some sort of meat, or at least a decent meat substitute. Unlikely, but a man can dream. 

My companion continued to ramble as we walked, and I tuned her out to do some people watching. Pony watching might be a more appropriate wording, but I was watching the humans as well. They were being pulled around on leashes, occasionally distracted by a shiny object, only to be brought back in line with a swift tug. A few even had some hap-hazard clothes, mostly sack-cloth tunics that went down to their lower thighs. Similarly, their owners had some simple dresses that covered their flanks. They didn't have an "upper crust" feel to them, but were clearly more elevated socially than average ponies Probably merchants and businessmen-ponies. I briefly wondered how humans belonging to nobility and the super rich lived. Probably like those poor Chihuahuas that live in celebrity purses; like status symbols rather than animals.

We passed in front of an apple stall run by a large red stallion. He was in fact the largest pony I had seen so far, and clearly either grew and worked the apple orchard himself or lived a the gym to back up those muscles. I was still taller by a good two feet, but he beat me by sheer mass. Guy could probably knock me out with a love tap. Not a fellow I would want to tangle with. While Derpy did her business with the mammoth pony, I resumed my occupation of watching the market day. I looked at the buyers, the sellers, the currency, everything. 

The money seemed to be single coins of the same size, but I couldn't see the markings on them. One of the peculiar things I noticed was there was a stall for every produce, some with several kinds, but no two stalls sold the same thing. Prices of items depended entirely on their popularity. interesting. Must be a small town to have such a limited market, or a strong farmer's union. The produce did look fresh though, so it must all be grown locally. Overall it was a peaceful day at the market.

My thoughts were interrupted when a lithe pony slipped between Derpy and I, snatching the mare's saddlebags from her back. Derpy let out a yelp of shock as the bags were pilfered from her flanks. The poor stall keep looked torn between giving chase to the thief and guarding his goods from any accomplices he may have had. I decided, since my welfare was determined by Derpy's immediate available income, to retrieve the bags and put this thief in his place. I could hear Derpy call out to me as I darted out of sight.

The little bastard was quick. He darted left, the right, then left down a series of alleys almost too tight to slip through. We jumped and ducked and sprinted. His quadrupedal nature did make him faster than me, but I was clearly the smarter one as I made short cuts and crowds parted for me. I kept up the chase up to a point where the path made a u-turn down a flight of stairs and suddenly every Assassin's Creed game came back to me. The thief made the turn and went down the stairs as I waited. The opportunity came, and I jumped.

Of course, not everything played out like I had envisioned in my head. During my lift off, my foot slipped, turning my jump into more of a tumble. I tried to correct myself, but ended up knocking my ankle into the ledge. I then fell, back first, onto the thief pony. My right elbow conked the bastard right on the head, but my left, attempting to break my fall, smashed into the ground. It didn't break, but it did send a pain through my funny bone that at the time I was sure was permanent. The rest of my body followed my elbow and I was swiftly reminded as to why one should not store bulging items in one's pockets. The blunt end of my pencil pressed into my thigh, and ultimately the writing utensil cracked. The ankle that had been knocked by the ledge also hit a large rock as it hit the ground as well, adding to my misery. My head was the only part of me saved as what little of my martial arts training was left in my head kicked in and I tucked it to my chest.

I fall six feet and nearly kill myself. I am Edward Kenway.

I groaned, slowly rolling over and crawling to the unconscious thief. I retrieved Derpy's bag and sat up, making sure it wasn't damaged during my botched leap of faith. Once my inspection was complete, I looked at the perpetrator. It was a yellow stallion with purple hair, or mane and tail rather. Flank mark was a small pile of coins. This guy had stolen from my friend right in front of me, then the bastard had made me chase him halfway across town and fall off a ledge. I took the rest of his stuff too. It doesn't count as stealing if you're robbing thieves, right? You can't mug a mugger. Besides, I needed some cash of my own, and Derpy did have a point. Until I firmly establish myself as an intelligent being, which may take some time, nobody with a proper mind was going to hire me for actual money, and I don't work for peanuts... Not anymore...

After checking the thief's belongings, which wasn't much, considering he's a petty pickpocket, I came to about thirteen coins and a ratty saddlebag I managed to ad hoc into a backpack. If the prices I saw at the market were any indication of general pricing worked, I might be able to get some simple commodities for myself without relying on Derpy's kindness. Poor mare already had enough to put up with, trying to secretly house an alien who didn't want to be a secret. I strolled out of the alley and looked around, only to find I had no idea where the hell I was. It seemed to be the business center of town, with actual shops, instead of the produce stalls I saw at the market. I spotted a shop titled "Human Mart", and decided to go there first, if only for the curiosity to find out what ponies considered fit supplies for human treatment. 

I began to walk toward the shop, limping slightly from my surely bruised ankle, when I paused. A delightfully cool breeze drifted across my clean underwear. With dread I looked down and confirmed my suspicions. My failed assassination attempt had ripped a hole in my best and only pair of pants, right along the seam. Someone up there is really pissing in my coffee today. I should have kicked that thief in the balls while I was robbing him. I limped up tho the store, and angry scowl plastered across my face. I got to the front door and saw it adorned with a paper sign with bold lettering.




NO HUMANS ALLOWED INSIDE THE STORE




For a full thirty seconds I stared at the sign. Then I let out my frustrations. What kind of segregationist bullshit was this!? Humans not allowed in the human supply store!? What, were they afraid I'd eat all the kibble!? That I might shit on the damned linoleum!? I might piss on the manager!? Fuck this sign! I tore the sign down, then proceed to tear it into little pieces before gently stomping into the shop.
> Chapter Five: Shopping
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


"HEY! No humans allowed in the store!" The shop keep cried as I strolled in. My evil eye in response didn't seem to faze him. "Didn't you see the sign!?" He yells out again, looking around me for my presumable handler. Fortunately Derpy was still halfway across town so she couldn't really advise me not to punch this little prick across his smug muzzle. I stormed up the the pony and stared him down. With my hat shadowing my eyes, I gave him my best intimidation look, letting out a quiet growl so only he could hear. I then held out my hand and let the confetti of paper that once was the sign sprinkle over him. I then walked on, leaving the guy in a quivering puddle on the floor.

That felt good. I spent some time browsing the store, many of the supplies looked uncomfortably similar to the kinds of stuff I would give to my own dog before he died. Squeaky toys, bones, tennis balls, 'How to house train your human', and other assorted goods. They even had 'Human Chow Kibble! They won't even realize it's not meat!' I looked at the prices of most things out of curiosity and to see how far my new thirteen coins would get me. Apparently it could get me a bag of human chow and a rubber tennis ball. How would ponies play tennis anyway? 

I also ended up wandering into the back of the store, where there was an isle dedicated to... unsavory material. I could only guess what the theme was by the cover art on some of the books, but that was enough to get the point across. I had apparently wandered into the part of the store where ponies looking to start a sex dungeon was for. I immediately grew uncomfortable and stayed that way until I saw my prize. A razor! An honest to god shaving razor, presumably for mares who were looking for a... softer ride. I could feel the shivers run up my spine as I thought about it. I grabbed the razor and tried to ignore it's supposed purpose.

I managed to find some sort of dietary supplement pills that were supposed to replace my need for protein-rich meat. While I wasn't really planing on going strict vegetarian, I would probably need to cut back. Eggs can only provide so much, and I doubt ponies would appreciate if I just started cutting up local pigs for my needs. Besides, local humans managed to make due somehow. I grabbed a bottle of pills, a rubber ball, because bouncy, and a little treat they had by the register. It looked like that chalky candy stuff they make the candy hearts out of, but shaped like a little bone. I figured it was worth a shot. After tallying up all the prices in my head it came out to fifteen coins. I reluctantly put back the ball and the treat before placing nine coins on the counter.

The clerk looked up at me, cowering. Then he looked at what I had, then at the coins, then me, then the coins, then back at the items. I began tapping my foot in impatience. How hard was it to understand the concept of purchasing products? Slowly recognition seemed to come to his face. "Ohh! You're one of those specially trained service-class humans aren't you? Trained to go out and shop, right? Well, that's no problem then!" The clerk chuckled hollowly as he gathered the bits into his hoof, then placed them in the register. "You scared me when you came in big guy! No collar and looking mean as a timberwolf, I though you might have been a stray. That's no problem though, I'll just throw in a collar for your owner to put on so we don't have to worry about that aga-" The clerk came back up from behind the counter where he'd been searching to find I had already left. Like hell I was putting on a collar.

Once back on the street I put my new possessions in my pack, throwing the remains of my destroyed mechanical pencil in there as well, shit was poking me good. A razor and diet pills... What else did I need? A new pencil, some actual paper, a sewing needle and thread... A general goods store should fit my needs. I set off down the street looking for a shop that fit the description. As I walked I observed more of Ponyville everyday life. Ponies frolicked happily about, looking at the various shops as I did the same.

The humans kept a placid look on their faces as well, which I was beginning to suspect was the closest to a smile I would ever see out of them. I briefly wondered what was the cause of this. They didn't seem to lack the facial muscles, as they could frown just as intensely as I could. It could be a neurological defect, but for it to effect all humans would mean it was embedded in their genetic code from generations of inbreeding or... would it be plausible to magically alter an entire race's DNA? The thought chilled me. I certainly hoped these ponies wouldn't be so cruel to engage in such practices.

My mind left these dark thoughts and returned to my mission as I came upon a store called "Quills and Sofas". Odd combination for a store, but if my guess was right, it's broad selection of items, from quills to sofas, should provide me with all the equipment I need.






Derpy Hooves


I ran through the streets, frantically searching for Peter. I always enjoyed how crowded and busy Ponyville was during the day, everypony was so caught up in where to go and what to get, I could just blend into the background and be just another pony. Today, though, I wasn't trying to just blend in, I was looking for Peter, and all these townsponies were getting in my way! I pushed through the crowd, calling out and trying to find the lost human.

"Peter! Peter where are you!?" How could he move so fast in such cumbersome clothes? They looked too tight to be maneuverable in. I turned the corner, only to be stopped by a wall of flesh.

"Oops! Sorry Derpy, didn't see you there." I recognized the voice of my co-worker Sea Breeze. He was a orange-red pegasus with a purple mane. He often took lunch break with me, but I never really see him other than then. He lived on the other side of Ponyville. I quickly got up and shook myself back into focus.

"It's okay Sea Breeze, I was just a little frazzled and wasn't watching where I was going." I replied while calmly looking around him.

"You looking for somepony?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah, I'm looking for a human named Peter." I said.

"Oh, you got a human? That's cool. I've heard a lot of ponies in town have been getting some. It's getting hard to look outside my window without seeing one wandering around." Sea Breeze said conversationally. He followed me as I walked.

"Sea, I'm sorry, but I really need find Peter. He is... uh..." Oh shoot, how could I tell him how urgent it was without blowing the secret about Peter's intelligence? "He... isn't collared yet! I was going to get one for him today, but he ended up running off after a thief."

"Running after a thief? Wow, you must have gotten one of those ex-guard humans I've seen. Those are tough fellas. I think Filthy Rich got one for his daughter, at least that's what I heard. What does he look like? I could help you look!" Sea Breeze said, hovering a few inches off the ground excitedly.

"Uh... I don't know Sea, Peter is really... different. I don't think he would respond well if you tried to leash him." Or anypony really. He really doesn't like the idea of being in a subservient role, regardless of the rest of ponies' expectations.

"Don't worry, we can look together, and you can take care of it when the time comes." I couldn't argue with that, and I really could use the help...

"Alright, Sea Breeze. Come on. We're looking for a tall human in a vest and pants." He looked at me in confusion.

"Wow, an ex-guard with suit and pants? Did you use Dinky's academy savings to buy this guy?"

"Uh... no, actually Dinky found him abandoned in the forest like that."

"Really! Dang, Derpy you lucked out on that one. Human like that would cost you half a million bits minimum. I've heard only ponies like Canterlot nobility can afford humans like that, and you just found him in the woods! Not that you don't deserve it..."

"What?" I said, not catching the last part.

"Uh, just mentioning how much use a human like that could be! That's all."

"Oh, um, yeah. He's really talented, so I really need to find him before the guard takes him in as a stray or something." Like he goes and shows the Mayor how smart he is.

"Oh." Sea breeze continued next to me for some time before he spoke again. He seemed to tense up a bit before speaking. "H-hey Derpy."

"Yeah?" I responded.

"You didn't get that human to help you... relieve stress, did you?" I came to a full stop, almost casuing him to stumble over me.

"W-what!?"

"It's just I know you haven't really been with anypony for a good while, so if you did it's no big deal or anything."

"N-no! no no no no no no! That's not it at all, Sea, it's just that... uh... Dinky like him so much I just had to keep him. I'm not a fancier, or anything like that!" Sea Breeze seemed to be relieved at this, tension flowing from his muscles.

"Okay, okay, I believe you. I didn't mean anything by it. I was just wondering. Sorry..." He said.

"It's okay. I guess with how common fanciers are becoming around here it wouldn't be hard to imagine." I said as I calmed down. As we turned the next corner I saw several guards ponies around a pony in hoof locks. "That's the pony that stole my bag!" We both race up to the thief, who was being interrogated by the guards ponies. It was still a little weird seeing them around. Ponyville never had a police force before Twilight became Princess Twilight Sparkle, and the new Ponyville Guard Garrison tasked with keeping the peace were placed by order of Princess Celestia herself with the secondary objective of protecting the new princess from anything that might crawl from the Everfree Forest and cause havoc in Princess Sparkle's town... again.

"Where is the bag, answer me!" The guard demanded. The thief could only shake his head.

"I don't know! The human in black must have took it after he knocked me out, with all my stuff too! I don't know where it is, honest!"

"You've been feeding me that 'Human in Black' line for fifteen minuets. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. Tell me the truth!" The guardsman was about to get physical, so I decided to intervene.

"He is telling the truth officer. I know the human he's talking about. Both the human and the bag are mine." The guard looked me over and quietly made calculations in his head.

"Alright, so where is the human now?" He said

"I, uh... I don't know, sir. We were just looking for him now." I said.

"So he hunted down this thief, but didn't return to you? That's not good. It might be dangerous." The guard said, shaking his head.

"N-no! It's just that I haven't had him for long, and he doesn't know his way around. I was by the Apple's cart when my bag was taken." I said. I've heard stories of guards who would kill a human if they deemed it too dangerous for society, usually after attacking somepony. The worst stories were when the human attacked to defend their owners, and the guard puts them down anyway.

"Hmm." The guard nodded, "Still, it's not good to have a potentially violent human running amok. Fortunately his clothes will make him stand out pretty well. Shouldn't be hard to find him. We're still looking for a little filly's human that ran off this morning."

"Oh that's no good." Sea Breeze stated. "I hope everything works out."

"Right. We should talk to the local shop keeps if they've seen the human." The guard said, turning back to his fellows. "Take him in, I've go a human to find." After getting an acknowledgement he lead our group to the closest store, Ponyville's Human Mart. I remembered Peter wanted to go there to try and get what he though of as essentials. If he had gotten my bag back and the thief's, this would have been the first place he would have gone. We entered the store and walked up to the clerk.

"Sir." The guard said curtly, "We are looking for a human dressed in black clothes. Have you seen him?" 

The clerk looked at us thoughtfully. "Oh, that shopping human? Yeah, he was in here earlier. Bought some things and left." The guard looked incredulous while Sea Breeze looked at me with interest. 

"Bought some stuff? Sir, we're talking about an ex-guard class human. There is no way it could have bought anything." The guard said, leaning over the counter. The clerk was not intimidated.

"Well unless there is another human dressed in a black suit with a hat running around Ponyville, then he came in here, bought a razor and protein pills, and walked out. He even tore down my 'no humans allowed' sign!"

The guard took a step back and gave the clerk a weird look. "No humans allowed in the human supply store?"

"They eat all the kibble." came the simple response.

Seeing that this was getting us nowhere, I stepped forward, "Did you see where he went, sir?" The clerk looked from the guard at me and his look lightened.

"Yes, ma'am. Walked right down the street. I assume he's yours?" I nodded, "Then you'll want to let the vet take a look at him. He seemed to be limping a little."

I let out a gasp, quickly thanked the clerk and left, Sea Breeze and the guardspony right behind me. Who knows how much trouble Peter could be in!






Peter Williams


I left the store in a state of frustration. Just quills and sofas? Who the hell sells just quills and sofas!? Apparently "Quills and Sofas", that's who. I wasted twenty minuets in there trying to find something other than quills to write with, until I was ran out by the owner when he realized I wasn't there with anypony. Well, to hell with him and his absurd store! Quills and sofas indeed! I continued walking until I heard my name being called. since there was only two people on the planet who knew my name, and Dinky was still in school, I turned to Derpy with a smile and waved. The two individuals she was with, however, did not reciprocate and instead looked very shocked and confused. I walked over, still smiling, and put down Derpy's bag.

The two stallions with her seemed to spudder and babble as I stood there smiling. Undeterred, I reached into my own ratty bag and produced a small cupcake I managed to swipe from the store owner's desk while the prick was forcing me from his shop. That should learn him. As I presented the cupcake to Derpy as a gift I was interrupted by a growl from an alley. Turning my head to it, I saw an emaciated looking human standing in the passageway eyeing the cupcake with desperation. I knew that look. I had only seen it a few times, but even with his lowered intellect, I could recognize it on the human.

Pure obsession. He was going to get this cupcake, come hell or high water. I considered just putting the cupcake on the ground and backing away slowly. What I didn't expect was the speed this human would move in the next second and one-half. He closed in on me and took a swipe at my head. I moved just fast enough to avoid, but my ankle slowed me from moving completely out of the path. The cupcake went flying as we both fell to the ground. As we fell I heard that dreaded sound.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

My pants tore once again, enlarging the hole that once was there to the point I could actively feel the rushing wind.

This guy was dead.
> Chapter Six: An Apple a Day
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


After a flurry of half-kicks and shoves, I finally removed the human from me. He was quick and efficient for an emaciated little prick. I quickly rose to my feet, getting into my best fighting stance. I was suddenly reminded of my confrontation with the wild humans of the Everfree Forest. If this guy fought like they did, I'd have to be quick and prepared. My opposition took wild swings at me, which I did my best to block and avoid, while lashing out when I could. I had to focus on punches, since my ankle weakened my kicks too much to be of use. 

I had to dodge left and right before I finally saw my opening. I let the human's arms come across me as I dodged, then applied a textbook arm bar take down. There was a problem though. My ankle once again betrayed me, and as I forced the human down, I felt immense pain flare up from it as I turned. I let my grip loosen for just a moment in surprise, but that was all it took. My opponent lurched out of my grasp and used the ground as a brace for a powerful kick. 

I don't know if plexiglass just hasn't been invented yet, or the store owner wanted an old, traditional feel, but as I flew backwards into a shop window, the thing shattered, multiplying my already numerous wounds. I lied there for a few moments. This guy. This unelevated troglodyte. First he hauls out and attacks me for holding a God Damned cupcake. And now he has kicked me into a window. I felt the moment when my rationality snapped. I was trapped in a fluffy world of magical ponies that have unintelligent humans as slaves/pets, have been chased by creatures of myth, forced to find a way to prove my very right to dignity, and now some stupid, lower life form TROGLODYTE is kicking my ass! I served in the U.S. Marine Corps! Granted it was a desk job, but I learned how to kill a man with some bailing wire and my pinkie! Became a capable weapon of war! I went to college! Got classes in philosophy and culture, learned what it was to be free and human. 

I was better than him. I WAS BETTER THAN HIM! And I would not let him win this stupid little bout about a cupcake!

My hands searched around me as I felt my surroundings, careful of the glass shards lying about. I felt my fingers wrap around a handle. Looking at it, I felt the warmth of blood lust rise in me. I rose carefully, knocking as much latent glass from my frame as I could without causing injury. My precious shirt and pants were now ruined, covered in blood stains and holes. My shoes, however, were still in fine condition as I lept out from the store at the bastard, newly acquired hatchet held high.. He had apparently lost interest in me and was stalking toward Derpy and her entourage. The noise of my exit cause him to notice me, to which he roared again and swung. 

Instead of dodging like I had before, I swung the hatchet round to strike his arm on the handle. I felt a small thrill when I heard the crack of bone and his howl of pain. I followed up my strike with a reverse strike against his temple, using the hammer side of the weapon. This blow knocked him to the ground, grunting as he tumbled away. He sat up in a dazed confusion until he saw me stalking up to him. He tried to crawl away from me, but I put a stop to that by giving him a swift kick in the approximate area his kidney would be. He rolled over onto his back and I quickly straddled him, placing my knees onto his arms to prevent movement.

I had him right where I wanted him. This troglodyte who attacked me, hurt me, and tried to hurt my friends, would finally get his. I gripped his throat and raised my hatchet high.

I hesitated.

While I never saw battle in the Corps, I often heard the men who were effected most by combat were the ones who got closest to their enemies. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and that there are few more intimate experiences than looking into your enemy's eyes before you kill them. You get to know them. Their life flashed before their eyes and you get drug along for the ride. And there, atop the supposedly unintelligent troglodyte, I saw life. Fear. Locked away behind some invisible wall, trapped, was something that resembled all the wants and desires of a living rational being. In my bloodlust, I had almost missed it, but there it was. I brought my hatchet down with force.

I rose shakily. I felt the exhaustion of the day fill me. And the blood loss. I slowly walked back to Derpy, who waited with her friend, both with horrified faces. I stood in front of her, picked up my bag, and sighed. She swallowed a lump in her throat and stepped forward.

"Come on, Peter. Let's go get those cuts looked at." She said softly, as if addressing a large angry dog, which I suppose in their view I looked like. I smiled softly and nodded. I don't know what ponies used for painkillers, but I hoped it was strong enogh to keep me out of it for the rest of the day. We left the small street where my brawl had taken place, leaving behind Derpy's companion, the gold-plated pony seemingly ran off during the fight, and the human who laid still on the ground, eyes not wavering from there the hatched had struck one inch to the left of his head.


Sea Breeze


I watched in shock as Derpy and Peter walked away into the distance. My eyes continually shifted between Peter and the human on the ground. This was wrong. Humans like peter shouldn't exist. Every now and then a story about a smarter than average human would come about, and in the bigger cities con-ponies would set up stands to show off how well he could "train" his humans, only to later be revealed to have some secret trick or hidden motivator for their humans. Peter, though, was something else.

He could shop, meaning he could identify simple shapes and money values at the least, and he clearly had some comprehension for tool use. He saw the hatchet and immediately knew how to use it as a weapon. But the icing on the cake was his last act in the fight. He could have killed the other human. He should have killed the other human. Everything I know about humans tells me that when they get into a fight, they fight until they are tired or one side is dead. Peter still had enough energy to kill the human, so why didn't he? 

Mercy. Peter showed mercy on his opponent, who was clearly beaten into submission. If this had been a fight over dominance, that would have been it, but these two were not part of a pack, it was a fight to the death, and Peter chose not to kill his opponent. The smiles had startled me, but those could be explained away through simple tricks of the eyes or little muscle spasms in the face. Combined with the display of mercy, compassion, and empathy, though, left little doubt of Peter's uniqueness. I would need to write my sister about this guy. I turned to go home to begin my letter, only to be stopped by a wall of gold.

Oh right. The guard. And he brought backup.

"Where'd Mrs. Doo and her human go?" the guard asked briskly.

"They left to go to the vet. Peter was pretty banged up after the fight." I responded. They would undoubtedly want a report. They always wanted a report. My cousin accidentally knocked over one of the Apple's fence posts, offered to fix it with no hard feelings, but was held up from doing it because a guard happened by and spent two hours writing up a report and making absolutely sure the Apples didn't want to press charges. I heard Granny Smith had to chase the guard off with a sizable broom handle.

"I see. Far Sight, go get the report." A unicorn guardspony nodded and ran off. The one who spoke turned back to me and was about to say something before he was cut off by a loud shriek.

"CHUCKIE!" a small pink filly cried,running to the side of the beaten human. "Chuckie! What happened to you? You're all covered in bruises. Come on, get up. Get up! Chuckie! Please be okay. Please be okay. Come on! We need to get you home!" She pleaded with the human, who's only response, if any, was to blink silently. "Chuckie, please. Get up. I'm sorry for not feeding you. Please." Finally the human tore his eyes from the hatchet as he turned his head toward the filly. He gathered her up in his arms and held her close as she sniffled.

The guard walked up to her as she and he human had this moment. "Excuse me miss. Is this your human?" he asked.

"Yes sir, this is my Chuckie. What happened to him?" She asked.

"He started a fight with another human over a cupcake. We're going to need to ask you some questions." The guard said as his cohorts cordoned off the area and began interviewing the shop owner who's window was destroyed. "First, why was your human running around unattended?"

"He was tied up at school, but managed to pull the post I had him tied to out of the ground, then he slipped his leash off the post. I've been looking for him ever since this morning." The filly answered.

"Very well" The guard continued, "Why do you think he attacked?"

"H-he was probably hungry. I was trying to teach him tricks by denying him food, and I guess I over did it."

"So he attacked another human, and potentially other ponies, just because he was hungry?" The guard asked sternly. I could only frown at this. the little filly was obviously shaken up by the ordeal, and he was grilling her like a common thug.

The human had sat up by now, and was gently stroking the filly's mane, a far off look in his eyes. "Y-yes. I'm sorry for any trouble he has caused, I'll make sure he doesn't do it again."

The guard made a contemplative noise before continuing. "Has your human been neutered, miss?"

"Well, yes. Daddy said a human who wasn't neutered would be too violent for me, so he shopped around for Chuckie."

"Well it apparently wasn't enough. I'm afraid we're going to have to put him down."

"WHAT!" The young filly exclaimed. "You can't do that! he was just hungry! you can't kill him just because he was hungry!"

"Even so, he tried to attack a pony, which is grounds for termination." The guard slowly approached the pair as the human became more sober. It was almost as if he was paying attention as the guard leveled his spear at the human's throat.

"Y-you can't! My daddy won't let you!" The little pony tried to block the guards valiantly, but was tossed aside gently.

"We can and we will little missy. I don't know who your daddy is, but our authority come from higher than him. Hold her back boys, I don't want her to be in the way." He received nods from his subordinates, who encircled the poor filly. "Now then back to bis-"

The guard was cut off as a hatched bounced off his helmet, knocking him to the ground. Chuckie had apparently grabbed the instrument and was now wielding it in one hand, eyes full of excitement and fear. With the guard on the ground, he looked around nervously. His eyes eventually settled on the pink filly. Her guards were now on the offensive, slowly encircling the human. 

"RUN CHUCKIE! RUN!" the little filly cried, pointing at the gap between soldiers, "GO!"

That much he seemed to understand as he dropped the hatched and made a break for it. He rushed passed me fast enough for me to feel the wind blow my mane up. three guards gave chase, while two tended to their injured man. Once they were sure he was alright with just a minor concussion, one trotted up to me and seethed.

"Why didn't you try to stop him!?" He demanded.

"I'm sorry," I replied "What did you want me to do? Jump up and head but him?"

The guard only grunted and stormed off. 
> Chapter Seven: Lucky Me
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


I never really liked the doctor's office. Sure their clean, sterile, and they try putting up all kinds of posters to keep the mood lively, but overall I can never get over a sense of simple wrongness of being there. The pure white walls, the awkward conversations, and the knowledge that the man in front of me may one day have to put his hand in my ass contributed to my anxiety. A vet's office, in contrast, was often more comfy, had a lighter air, and generally had a much lower probability of intimate touching. This changes once you're in the place of the dog.

I don't know where this vet got her medical degree, but I doubt it was an accredited university. Derpy and I walked in to the office, trying to keep as much blood on the inside of me as possible, just as the vet was coming out. She immediately gasped and rushed to my side.

"Oh my gosh! What happened to this poor creature!?" She cried. She was a unicorn with a tan coat and lavender mane.

"There was a fight," came Derpy's reply, "He and another human got into it pretty bad, we got him here as soon as we could." Derpy and the vet pushed me into the back room. "He's covered in cuts and has a hurt ankle."

The vet looked me over a bit before saying, "We need to get these clothes off him so I can see the extent of the damage." I raised an eyebrow. I could understand why, but I still didn't think myself ready to strip naked in front of these creatures. When the vet powered up her horn and started on my shirt buttons I realized that this was not going to be optional. I gave a weary sigh and began undoing the buttons myself, which threw the vet off guard. I took off my vest, shirt, undershirt, hat, shoes and pants, leaving me in my undies and socks. It was there I stopped, to the mild consternation of the vet. Sorry,honey, any more and you'll have to pay for the show.
With Derpy's vouch that I would be more cooperative with the underwear on, the vet sighed and relented, although not without a sidelong glance at my hidden treasures. Pervert pony thinks I didn't notice, but I did... I suppose I should be flattered. She used her magic to summon a gurney, which I was then placed on gingerly on my stomach to avoid stirring up the glass in my back. I welcomed the opportunity to lie down, but the brown straps that then secured me to the gurney were uncomfortable. I could only guess they had had issues with rambunctious humans not wanting to lay down before.

"This looks bad." the vet declared, "Usually humans are thrashing about and howling when they get here. He must have lost quite a bit of blood if he's too weak to fight." Actually, while I do feel weak, I also know not to aggravate wounds, but you can keep thinking your way for now. "I'll have to patch up the wounds, then we can look at that ankle." The gurney came to a stop and I was left staring at the wall while the vet gathered supplies.

I took a gentle look around. The vet had pushed me into one of her rooms with charts and graphs for the benefit of pet owners to try and understand when the vet explains whatever gastro-intestinal-carido-vascular issue their human had. I would take a closer look at those later. Derpy, ever loyal, stood next to the gurney, watching over me with concern. She was apparently lost in thought though, as her eyes were beginning to separate again. Everything else looked pretty much standard for a vet clinic. Various medicine-related devices laid about, popsicle sticks, heart beat listeners, even those ear-and nose-checking things...

I majored in Political Science, not medicine... 

The vet returned with a syringe filled with what I hoped was painkiller. "I'll administer a mild sedative so he doesn't cause a fuss when we pull out the glass." The vet stuck the needle at various parts of my back and injected. Fun fact: I have a strange tolerance to painkillers. Not that they don't work, just that the intoxicating effects that make people go loopy don't hit me as hard. I once broke my nose in baseball trying to catch a pop fly. I was rushed to the hospital, got some painkillers and sent home. The next day I took my pills, went back to the field, and drove my car back home because I was still stone cold sober. 

As my body was filled with the painkiller, I felt it begin to go numb. If pressed I could still move, but it felt heavy. The straps holding me down were gingerly undone and the vet began her work.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Derpy asked quietly, trying not to disturb the vet, who was in the process of pulling the small glass fragments out of my back.

"Yes," the vet replied, "fill out the forms on the counter over there. I have everything well in hoof here." Derpy hesitantly walked away as the vet applied antiseptic. I felt a mild sting as it was applied, more of the sweet, sweet numbness at work. This was followed by a few stitches. By the time the vet was finished with the first set, though, I could feel my limbs start to lose their numbness, and soreness return. Not wanting to disturb the vet's needlework, I merely let out a groan to let her know I was in pain.

"Oh, it looks like the sedative is wearing off." She mentioned nonchalantly.

"Can you give him more?" Derpy asked, looking up from hr forms.

"I can, but I'll have to charge for this one. The first was just for keeping him still while I worked, so it was on the house, but I'm almost done here, so I'd have to charge you for any more. Sorry." Wow, she was almost done? I could have sworn I was in worse shape than a few stitches could fix, but then again I was also kicked through a bloody window, so I may have over-exaggerated my wounds to myself. Derpy gave me a concerned look, obviously torn between helping me and spending a lot of her not-so-plentiful money. Deciding I could take this one for the team, I waved her down, signaling I could survive without it. 

She gave a sad nod and said, "Sorry, but I don't think I can afford that. He wont be in too much pain will he?"

The vet began setting adhesive bandages on my back as she replied, "Don't worry about it, ma'm. He'll be achy and sore for a few weeks, but give him a few days rest and he'll be up and about in no time!" Derpy relaxed a bit before finishing up the forms as the vet put bandages on my legs as well. I gave an experimental twitch in my limbs and sure enough, I felt several aches and pains in my muscles. The vet seemed to take this as a negative sign though, and re-strapped me to the gurney. I decided that after all the day's events, some rest would do me good. Derpy walked over to the vet with the paperwork as I closed my eyes.






Derpy Hooves


Peter finally stopped moving and seemed to drift off to sleep. Good. He had had a rough day. I gave the medical forms to Doctor Sweet Touch. I had filled them out as best as I could, but there was only so much I knew about Peter, so I had to leave more than a few slots blank. The vet took the forms and looked over them.

"Hmm." she said, "How long have you had this human?" She asked.

"Oh, well, we only just got him yesterday. I was going to get the actual adoption papers today before all this happened." I saw Peter twitch lightly at the word 'adoption'. I guess he isn't asleep yet, but I need to keep the act up until I can talk with him alone.

"Only for a day?" the doctor responded, "Well I suppose that can't be avoided. Hmm. We'll have to keep him overnight, though."

"Why?" I asked. Peter looked fine as he was.

"Well, since you haven't officially adopted him, he still counts as a stray, and since he was involved in a fight, he is considered aggressive. It is the clinic's policy to neuter and spay aggressive strays that come in. It reduces their hormones and makes them more docile. It's a very safe, standard procedure; he should be ready to go home tomorrow afternoon for some rest and relaxation."

At this point Peter was actively trying to get out of the restraints. I didn't blame him. I'm no stallion, but even I was a little uncomfortable at how calmly she was talking about castrating him. To her it was an everyday thing, but for Peter, or any stallion for that matter... 

"Actually, isn't there anyway we can get around that? Please?" I almost begged the doctor to reconsider. "I... um... wanted to try loaning him to the Apples as breeding stock for some extra income." I lied, "And for that he needs his... um... equipment." I whispered the last part, embarrassed about having a sentient creature sitting right next to me while I talked with another mare about his junk. How the mares in the marketplace did it I have no idea.

The vet gave me a sly look. "Ohh," she said placing a hoof on Peter's clothed butt, "I see. You want him to keep his... virility, eh?" Even I could understand what she was getting at, and I blushed heavily. I saw Peter trying to hide his own blush, failing somewhat due to his limited mobility.

"N-no!" I cried, "I don't want anything like... that... I just don't think it's a good idea right now is all..."

The vet chuckled a bit, "Okay, okay, I get it. It may be bending the rules a bit, but I might be able to get some adoption papers organized tonight, if you're willing to wait a bit. We'll still need to keep him overnight because of how late it is, and we need to make sure he is resting properly, but you can pick him up in the morning. how does that sound?" I could see Peter relax at the offer, and I quickly accepted. Dinner would be a little late tonight, but it was worth saving Peter from the knife. We walked to the vet's office while an assistant took Peter into the kennel. I had never really been in a kennel, but whatever it was like, one night was probably worth saving his genitals.

We got the appropriate papers file, and I was then the legal owner of the human named Peter Williams. His height and weight were just guesses, since we didn't have exact measurements. Doctor Sweet Touch filled in what she suspected was his age and breed, some sort of mountain variety of human from his size and stature. I gave my signature and the doctor gave hers. With the papers signed I thanked her and began leaving. I was stopped when I entered the lobby, however, buy a stallion in gold armor.

"Miss Hooves? I need to have a word with you."

Buck






Peter Williams


I once volunteered at an animal shelter one summer when I was a teenager. They would take the animals out of the pens once a day and let them run around in the yard while they sprayed down the kennel to get rid of the filth. It never got rid of the lingering smells though. Dog food and feces still lingered in the air, no matter how hard they sprayed. This principle seemed crossover to Equestria. The troglodytes, as I had begun to call them in my head, were kept in moderately sized fence enclosures, occasionally howling or grunting at each other. The docile ones got grouped together, while the more aggressive alphas tended to have their own. I was in a little enclosure all my own, left to stare at and smell my counterparts all across the kennel. The worst part was that even through all the smells of excretions, or perhaps because of it, I came to a horrifying realization... 

I had not taken a piss all day, and I really needed to go.

I lied on the small blanket I assume was for me to sleep on, trying to ignore the foul stench and my burgeoning bladder. When sleep continued to elude me, I finally rose. After a brief moment of thought, I took a handful of water from my mildly dirty water bowl the ponies left me and let it go in the corner of my cage closest to the back door. As I expected, the trickle flowed toward the exit, which meant my urine would too. I pulled down my underwear and relived myself, slightly ashamed of my indecency, but at least I had the sense to try to keep my space clean, unlike the other troglodytes.

Once I was done I reset my underwear and returned to my blanket. I was about to bundle up in the foul smelling sheet when I was interrupted from my rest by a tapping sound on my cell door. I leaned up to see who it was and saw the vet was sitting there, looking anxious. 

"Hey there big fella... Don't you look good after everything today? Come here boy." She whispered through the fencing. She was giving me a little wave with her hoof, but I just lied back down and curled up. Lady, I have had a very busy day. I'm going to sleep. Good-night. "Come on... I just want a peak..." Sleep deprived and miserable, even I knew what that was supposed to mean. Why did this chick want to gawk at my junk? There naked humans literally everywhere. It was probably a psychological thing, you want what you can't have. Well she still can't have it. My penis is mine, and I wont share it with just anybody.

I gave the pony a firm 'fuck off' vibe and tried to sleep. I just so happened to forget she was a unicorn, and could thus use magic. Fucking cheater. I was levitated up, around, and onto my back as the mare tentatively stepped into my cell. She had a kind of look about her, and the smell of dog food and feces was overshadowed by a new smell. I almost wanted to call it a musky- "It's been so long, and my heat just had to hit at the busiest time of the month. but you'll help me, right Peter?" 

Yup. Definitely musk. I had the growing sense of dread this mare was going to rape me if I didn't do something. Fighting back was a danger, since my ankle still hurt and my bandages could come loose or break, so I was left with a limited number of options. I could sit back and let this mare have her way with me, or I could find some non-violent way to take control of the situation. How I was supposed to do that was beyond- UNDERPANTS HAVE BEEN TAKEN, ACT NOW, THINK LATER!



Sexual Situation Begins Here. If You Do Not Wish To View It, Skip Ahead Until The Words Are Not Violet.




"My, aren't you a big one?" She said as she eyed my equipment. "I can see why Derpy would have been so adamant about you keeping your -yipe!" I used her distracted state to sweep her up and hold her to my chest. She was warm and soft as she squirmed under my grasp. "Oh come on! I need this! You're a male! Why aren't you responding like one? Rut me! Please!" Dammit, this mare was desperate. At this rate she would wake up the other humans. I needed to calm her down, which, unfortunately meant getting her off.

I was a virgin, I know, shocking given my immense knowledge of the opinions of old dead guys, but true. I also held on to my religious tradition, and wanted to hold out until I got married, or at least was with the girl I wanted to marry. The good doctor here was not in that category. That meant I had to get her off through non-standard practices. I hope my copious amount of porn watching helps me now. I used one hand to cover her mouth to stifle her groans while the other reached down and softly stimulated her labia. She gave a soft groan through my fingers. I gently caressed the outside before slipping a single digit in.

She gave another moan, which I silenced with a 'Shh'. I pulled the finger out and traced the edge of her vagina before pushing it back in. The mare, for her credit, kept her mouth closed as she hummed in pleasure. I prepared to push in another finger when my thumb glided over a nub. This made the mare open her mouth to say "I'm cumming!" Sure enough, my hand was considerably wetter with her juices. "Oh yes, that's it baby. A little more, just a little more. Feels so good, Peter." she continued to groan. Her tongue began to hang out as I slid in another finger. Keeping my thumb over her clitoris, I gently pumped in and out of her soft folds.

I may have been a virgin, but in porn I had always found it hot when a girl got really into the act. I found that when engaged in sex, It is the individual's responsibility to ensure his or her partner experiences the best ride you can provide. I had never tested this theory, but I could feel my resolve slowly slipping. The moans and cries this mare was making, as well as my own sexual frustration, was rapidly breaking down my wall of restraint. In short, I was getting into it, and that scared me a little. I decided to put an end to this before I could fall further. I quickly began pushing every button I could, as fast as I could. I didn't know what would happen, but I could hazard a guess. I turned out to be right when she moaned out loudly and tensed he whole body.

"Oh sweet Celestia, yes! I'm cumming Peter! I'm cumming!" She cried as she came. Her fluids spilled for several seconds onto my hand before she relaxed into a tranquil state. some of the troglodytes had been woken up by this point, and begun growling or whining. I didn't care. I was just tired. I still needed to get rid of my hard on that had developed during our session. I sighed as I pulled away from the vet's warm body. She seemed too caught up in the afterglow to notice. My first sexual experience, and it was with a horse who though of me like a dog. Great. I could contemplate the potential bestiality in the morning  It didn't take much to get me off, and after retrieving my underwear I took notice of something. 



End Of Sexual Situation



The vet had left the door open, probably for a quick escape if I proved to uncooperative. I gave the kennel a look before quickly deciding I didn't really want to spend the night here if I had any alternative. After a brief consideration of just leaving her in here with the animals for her attempted rape, I scooped up the vet and carried her out with me. She wasn't in her right state of mind, after all, and after our little experience I can't say I didn't have a soft spot for her now. She did have some cute moans.

I stopped that train of thoughts as soon as it appeared.

I took her to her office and laid her on the carpet before beginning a search for some clean sheets. Vet or not, this was a doctor's office, so it's not too hard to imagine they may need to keep clean linens around for various doctor-related needs. I found them in a closet and brought them back. The vet was sleeping soundly, so I put three sheets together to make a semi-thick blanket and laid them over us. Another sheet was bundled up to make a pillow. I settled in and finally began to rest. As I drifted into subconsciousness, the vet snuggled against me, and before my brain could object, slogged state as it was, I returned it. I slept that night on the floor of the vet's office, cuddling her warm body.


Doctor Sweet Touch


I awoke to the warmth of the sun hitting my face. I also had the distinct smell of coffee and donuts fill my senses. I slowly opened my eyes to see my office. It looked about the same as always, except for the sheets that were strewn about and the modest breakfast laid before me. I leaned up, trying to make sense of my situation. Memories of last night suddenly rushed me. My heat flare, the human that was brought in, my attempted seduction, and then... our actions...

I felt a shiver run up my spine remembering how the human had so easily weakened me. I didn't remember anything after that though... So who set all this up? I suppose I might have gotten the sheets after my... session... and just don't remember, but then who got the coffee and doughnuts? I checked my clock. It was still too early for my assistant to come in and find me, and the office is locked otherwise. My mind wracked at who could be responsible before I heard a flush from my personal bathroom. With a slight sense of dread, I turned to the door as it opened to confront my intruder.

Only to see the human, Peter Williams, clad in white sheets forming a sort of toga around his waist and shoulder. He was straightening out his sheets before he noticed me. I shied away under the covers of my pseudo-bed as he approached. He grabbed three items off my desk before he sat down; my notepad, a quill, and an inkwell. Thinking he wanted me to write something, I reached out and grabbed the quill with my magic. This got me a quick flick to my horn, breaking my concentration. I looked at him mildly dazed as he dipped the pen in the inkwell himself. I quickly got over my daze, only to go to astonished when he began writing on the pad. He presented me a note with bad penmanship, but legible.




I write, you talk. It's easier that way.




I gaped at the paper, then up to Peter, then back to the note. "Y-you can write!?" Another dip in the inkwell, a few scritches, and a new note was produced.




I used to be able to talk too, before I came here, anyway.




I couldn't believe it. I was having an honest to Celestia discussion with the human that I tried to have sex with just a few hours ago. Speaking of which, "Listen about last night..." Dip, scritch, and another note.




That was a one time thing. If you really have it that bad, get a boyfriend or a vibrator or something.




I had the decency to blush in shame. "I'm sorry, I just really needed to get off, and I had this client in earlier who just went on and on about how good it was with a human, and you were so docile, I just though one time, just to last me the night, and-" I was silenced by the human, who put a finger on my lips. Dip, scritch, another note.




I understand, you were not in your right mind, and we managed to avoid something we would regret. 
I don't hold it against you, just take care it doesn't happen again.




"But I almost raped you! I don't know what's worse, the fact I tried to force you to have sex with me or the possible bestiality. I'm not a fancier, but I just-" Again I was silenced. Dip scritch, another note.




Relax. I took control of the situation, and we both came out okay. Just try to keep your needs in check, alright?




I gave the note a proper look over, then looked at Peter. "Just who are you?" I asked cautiously, not entirely sure I wanted an answer. Dip, scritch, another note.




Peter Armstrong Williams. Philosopher, Statesman, Extra-terrestrial Human.




I looked at the note, then back to Peter, who gave his head a slight nod, then back at the note. I laughed. I laughed hard. "An alien! You expect me to believe you're an alien!?" Dip, scritch, another note.




I am the only human who can communicate.




"How do I know you're not just some science experiment gone awry, or from an ancient race of sentient humans living deep in the jungles?" He raised his eyebrow at me, as if saying 'are you serious', and under his gaze I felt a little silly for having said it. "Okay... say you are an alien... What do you want? To study us? Destroy us? Mate with us?" The human sighed and shook his head. Dip, scritch, another note.




1: Stop reading so many trashy sci-fi/ adventure novels.
2: My greatest want would be to return home
3: Barring return, I would like to live a life of decency putting my skills to good use.




I blushed a bit from his comment on my taste in literature, but upon reading the rest I asked, "So you're stranded here?" He nodded. "You're people just left you here? Just like that?" This time he shook his head. Dip, scritch, note.




Nope. My people didn't send or leave me here. We're mostly limited to our own planet. I don't know what brought me here.




I pitied his case. Abandoned in a strange place with no way home. I once read a story about how dogs would rise up and subjugate ponies, and some time travelers got stuck there. I could see his case being much the same. Overall he seemed to be handling it better than the protagonist. 

Before we could continue, I heard the bell on the front door ring, signaling the arrival of my assistant. "Oh my gosh! we've got to hide you!" Peter cocked his head to the side.




Why?




"Because if others find out about you who knows what will happen!" I whispered harshly. He continued writing.




I could just explain myself. Besides, I plan on everyone knowing eventually.




I stared at him, flabbergasted. "They might try to do medical experiments on you!"




Good. Maybe they can figure out what's wrong with my throat. Before I got here, I could talk as well as any pony.




"But what if they-" I was cut off by a doughnut being pushed into my mouth. I closed my eyes in defeat. There was nothing I could do or say to convince this human away from his path. I did have one final question though. "Where did these doughnuts and coffee come from." Peter wrote a quick response before getting up and walking out the door.




I had borrow some money from your desk, but I figured breakfast in bed would help you deal with the whole 'alien from another world' thing better.




That sneaky bastard.
> Chapter Eight:
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


I walked around the Vet's office for the morning in my Roman Senator outfit seeing what I could do to help out. No need to be a lay-about, after all. Sweet Touch gave me some respectable distance for a while. Her assistant, a green pony by the name of Nurse Soft-Heart, was concerned when I just began wandering the clinic, but a quick word from the doctor gave me a pass. So I set about the clinic while waiting for Derpy to come by, letting my mild OCD drive me into an organizational frenzy. All in all, it was already pretty organized, being a doctor's office, but every now and then I'd see something that needed tweaking.

The front counter needed the most, from what I could tell. Nurse Soft-Heart, while a competent medical practitioner, had terrible filing skills. Eventually she had to get up to use the little filly's room, and I swept in. It wasn't that hard, I just matched up the letter heads. One stack for check-ups, one for strays, one for... euthanasia... just gonna put that away... and one for adoption. As I sorted the adoption papers, I found a copy of my own. It was mostly blank, providing only the most basic information. Well I can fix that.

As I filled out the form with my info, Soft-Heart came back around the corner. I heard her give a little gasp at seeing me. Understandable, I suppose. I am a walking, formerly-talking, violation of their laws of nature. I finished the form and signed at the bottom as the owner. I let my self have a little chuckle as I adopted myself. If it caused too many problems I could get Derpy to fill out another form, but in the meantime I was my own man. I walked away from the front desk, handing the paper over to Soft-Heart as I passed her. She gaped at it for moments before turning to watch me walk into the reception area to wait for Derpy. I sat on one of the plush couches and leaned back to nap. Even with my eyes closed I could feel the little pony's eyes on me, watching for any more strange behavior. I decided to indulge her, giving a soft smile and humming a gentle tune as I caught up on some missed sleep.





Nurse Soft-Heart


I spent about three minuets staring at the human named Peter Williams, listening to his tune until he was fully asleep. I then made my way back to my desk. It was more organized than I had ever seen it. Doctor Sweet Touch was in charge of the filing before I got here, and I was slowly making my way through the mess she had left behind while still trying to keep my own sense of organized clutter. Now everything was filed and ordered simplistically, but not the way I liked it. I'd be more upset about the human screwing up my system if I wasn't trying to wrap my head around the fact he had replaced it with his own system. 

I sat at the desk and stared at the paper I had seen Peter filling out. The form was only half done when I left the clinic last night, and I know Doc. Sweet Touch wouldn't tamper with files, which means the changes really had to have been made by Peter when I walked in. I looked closely at the document, as if some miraculous revelation would leap off the page to me.



NAME: Peter Williams   	    BREED: Caucasian      	     
AGE: 24       GENDER:   Male  

HEALTH: Could be better      SPAYED/NEUTERED?  NO     

FORMER HOME: 6423 Little Man Drive       Kleen, Alabama 36962   U.S.A.  Planet Earth 
FORMER OWNER:Ronald and Julianne Williams 

ADOPTED FROM: Ponyville Human Veterinary Clinic	
ADOPTER: Derpy Whooves Peter Williams  DATE:13/08/02



ADOPTER HOUSEHOLD



ADDRESS: 12 Druery Lane	Ponyville, Equestria	

HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED AT THIS RESIDENCE? 12 years 1 Day

ADULTS IN HOUSEHOLD: 1	2	                  		HAVE THEY APPROVED THIS ADOPTION? Yes	

FOALS: 1	                   AGES: 7ish 	           HAVE THEY EVER OWNED A PET BEFORE? No 


	

The next section of the form related to employment and was simply marked "Self Employed". There was no way this was some prank. I've never even heard of "Alabama" or what the "U.S.A." was. Ronald and Julianne were definitely not pony names, so I was left wondering just who this human was and where he came from, despite the fact it was all laid out before me. 

"Soft-Heart?" Doctor Sweet Touch's voice interrupted my thoughts, "Nurse Soft-Heart, are you there?" The doctor shook my shoulder as I turned to face her.

"Doctor, I think we have a very special specimen in front of us." I said, presenting her with the document. Sweet Touch looked over the paper for a moment before glancing into the reception area.

"Yes, nurse. He's a very special specimen indeed." She then proceeded to tell me of the events of last night and the talk that morning. She even showed me the notes he had written as proof. I couldn't help but feel she may have been leaving some details out, but I know see had been in heat for the past few days, and it's not uncommon for mares in this profession to become "fanciers" in times of desperation. I was much more concerned with the potential before us, having discovered the first recorded intelligent human, and an alien to boot.





Peter Williams


I was awoken from my dreamless nap by a gentle nudging against my foot. I softly groaned as my eyes flickered open to see a gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful woman, wearing nothing but a collar, about three inches from my face. Had my back not already been against a bench, I would have jumped backward in shock. Instead I just sat still in a mild daze, waiting for her to make the first move. It came when the woman leaned in and sniffed at my toga-sheet. Her face betrayed no emotion as she tried tugging at my chest piece, all the while smelling my upper body. I knocked her hand away and gave her a gentle push on the stomach, trying to send out a 'no thank you' vibe, but she didn't seem to pick it up. I almost had to swat her hands drifting toward my crotch before a small unicorn filly interrupted her. 

"Sammy! No! leave the other human alone!" She pulled on the woman's leash toward her mother on the other side of the reception area, taking the woman away and reducing the chances of a college fantasy becoming horribly perverted... well more horribly perverted. The encounter did not leave me unaffected, though, as I could feel my anatomy acting against my wishes in the presence of such a... pleasantly featured female. Deciding now would be the best time to beat a retreat before someone decided it would be advantageous  to exploit my position. Thank God for underwear. I entered the hallway and promptly encountered Doc. Sweet Touch and Nurse Soft-Heart.

"Peter!" the Doctor exclaimed, "We were just talking about you! We wanted to give you an examination to see how you measure up against our 'local' humans." She giggled a little from excitement. I suppose that is understandable. I am an alien, after all. If I found a sentient dog from space back home I'd probably want to see just how different it was too, not to mention this is the kind of stuff folks write career-making studies on. A good preliminary report on an alien human could probably set her up for life. I looked around for something to write with and on, ultimately settling on a clipboard dangling off a hook with a pencil attached. Flipping the top medical form over I wrote:




Nothing invasive and nothing goes anywhere inside me without my consent.
But first, you have another patient waiting.




The nurse peaked into the reception area to seethe two ponies and a human patiently waiting.

"Oh, dear. I had forgotten about the appointment with soft serve and Samantha this morning." She turned back to the Doc and I, "I'm sorry Doctor, but I'm afraid we'll have to postpone our examination." 

The good doctor sighed in disappointment and said, "No, it's alright. we are professionals, after all," I caught a quick, regretful look before she continued, "and we must fulfill our obligations. Send them to room one, Softy. I'll get ready." She looked at me, "Sorry, Peter. Duty calls. Maybe you'd like to observe? Learn a bit about our humans?" I though about the offer for a minuet before agreeing. I could stand to learn something about my trog counterparts while I was trapped on this strange world. Not because I wanted to see that pretty naked girl again. Nope. That would just be inappropriate. It was totally for science... Mostly.





Chuckie


Chuckie ran hard from yellow ponies. Then Chuckie stop. Chuckie hurt. Chuckie legs hurt. Chuckie tummy hurt. Chuckie arms hurt. Chuckie head really hurt. Things in head moving. Things had never moved before. Before Chuckie head only did small things. It move to say Hungry, and tired, and scared, and mating. Now Chuckie head move more and more. Faster and Faster. It make Chuckie... confused? How Chuckie know confused? How Chuckie do any of this. Chuckie no care. Chuckie only want hurt to stop. 

Yellow Ponies not follow Chuckie into tree place. 

How Chuckie know yellow? or tree? More head hurt! Make stop! Make stop! 

Chuckie fall down in, try to make head hurt go away. Chuckie curl up. wet stuff come from Chuckie eyes. Hurt! Why hurt no stop! Head things go to fast! To fast! Chuckie chest hurt making hurt noises. Head thing slow so Chuckie can know it.

Cry. Chuckie know cry. Pony cry when hurt. Chuckie hurt. Chuckie cry. Chuckie cry until another head thing slow. 

Sleep. Chuckie know sleep. Sleep is for dark time, not bright. Chuckie no care. Sleep good. Chuckie sleep.
> Chapter Nine: No More Chapter Titles
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Derpy Hooves


I flew across the sky as fast as my wings would carry me. My route was longer than usual this morning due to an unprecedented number of letters being sent out. Princess Twilight and her friends had returned last night and Pinkie Pie wanted to throw a big celebration for their return, meaning she mailed literally everypony in Ponyville to her next party. That led to an overwhelming amount of letters being sent all over town, which extended my normal route time by three hours! So now I was late for picking up Peter from the vet. I sorely hoped he wasn't being put through anything too degrading. I landed with a stumble outside a little doughnut shop to pick him up a treat to apologize for my tardiness when I ran into Sea Breeze who was coming out of it.

"Oh! Hey Derpy! What's up?" He called.

"Not much," I responded, "I was picking something up for Peter for when I pick him up in a bit."

"O-oh. Right. The human. So, ah, how is he?" Sea Breeze said hesitantly. He was still shaken up by the attack yesterday. I could see it. I understood, though. He was right in the thick of the action and saw everything up close. I knew Peter was just protecting us, but Sea Breeze saw two humans almost maul each other over a muffin, so some hesitation would be reasonable.

"Doctor Sweet Touch said it would be a while before Peter could do any strenuous activity, but he should be fine." I replied. "How did everything with you go?"

"All right, I suppose. Those guards had a bit of a time trying to get that other human, Chickie I think." Sea Breeze said casually, walking with me into the store. "Beaned one of them right in the head with that hatchet and ran off. It was pretty funny after the fact." He chuckled a bit reminiscing. "Did they want you to do anything with Peter? They must have tracked you down at the clinic."

I sighed, recalling the conversation with Guardspony Far Sight last night. "No, they just wanted my side of the story. I told them Peter was just protecting me from the other human, so everything turned out fine. They said to just keep a closer eye on him." I pointed to a pair of blueberry muffins that they had on sale. They looked pretty good.

"Sounds about right, though judging from yesterday I wouldn't have been surprised if they just ordered the vet to neuter him for safety concerns." Sea Breeze said nastily. 

"What!?"I exclaimed, dropping some bits I was using to pay for the treats.

"They were just about to kill that other human  in the middle of the streets, whit his owner, a little pink filly, crying right there." Sea Breeze's expression grew darker as he spoke about the incident. "That's really why it was so funny the human hit one in the head and ran. Like he knew those guardsponies were going to kill him." 

I felt a small shiver go through my spine as I imagined Far Sight, instead of asking a few questions and leaving last night, barging into the vet's office and demanding Peter be neutered while he was strapped down and intoxicated. I could almost see him struggling against his restraints as the horrifying act took place. I quickly shook my head, banishing the visions from my head. I didn't know what kind of ponies the Royal Guard typically recruited, but Far Sight was a good one.

"It doesn't matter." I said as we trotted out of the store. "The important thing is that we're all okay."

"I suppose so." Sea Breeze grumbled. We continued walking towards the clinic in silence, giving me more time to think things over. Sea Breeze's story got me thinking on how ponies really treat humans. While Peter clearly had few reservations about being an intelligent human in our society, I had heard stories of ponies doing horrible things to humans. Things like throwing them in pits to fight in animal fighting rings, or beating them to take out their frustrations, or even abducting young ones to do... horrible things to them. No pony I knew in Ponyville did anything like that, and the Apples held tight reigns on who they sold humans to. Even still, the idea of an intelligent human could bring in all kinds of ponies with less-than-friendly ideas for Peter. If he really wanted to do this whole thing, I needed to sit down with him and hammer out a plan.

Before long we reached the clinic. Sea Breeze said goodbye and left in a half-gallop. I guess the incident yesterday really did spook him over Peter. After giving a final glance at his retreating form I entered the building. I didn't see the nurse at the reception counter, so I rang the little bell they had there and waited. Before long she came out and greeted me.

"Good morning, Miss Whooves. I guess you'll be here for Peter, right?" She asked. I nodded.

"Yes ma'am. Sorry I'm late. I hope he hasn't been too much trouble..."

"Oh, nonsense. He's been a perfect gentlestallion all day." The nurse replied. We walked down the hall toward some of the rooms. "He even helped me re-organize my desk!" This caused me to pause.

"W-wait. He didn't do anything... weird... did he?"

"Weeell, he did surprise us this morning, but who would have imagined such a smart alien to look like a simple human?" My jaw dropped. I spent so much time worrying about what might happen if someone discovered Peter's intelligence, and he goes and reveals himself to literally the first ponies he meets... That jerk.

"H-he told you guys about that?" I stuttered.

"Oh yes, he was very honest and straight forward about the whole thing." The nurse said calmly as we turned into the clinic room. I saw Doctor Sweet Touch pacing back and forth with a clipboard levitating in front of her and Peter sitting on the table wearing a sheet around his waist and shoulder. He had a pen and notepad sitting next to him that had clearly been in use. 

"So, you're sure these results are normal? Because by all accounts, you should be dead." My surge of sudden anxiety at Peter dieing was only slightly lessened by Peter's affirmative nod. "Temperature - 98.6, Blood Pressure - 115 by 73, it's all too high! You should already be dead from either fever or hypertension. But you say it's normal for humans from your world?" Peter responded by writing a note and handing it to her. Doctor Sweet Touch sighed in defeat and put the clipboard on the counter. "Well, at least you think you're healthy. Just don't expect me to be accurate in future checkups." Peter just shrugged and stood up gently before turning to us, greeting me with a smile.

"Hey, Peter, good to see you're better." I said through a forced smile. I was still upset with him for letting his secret blow without talking to me. He seemed to notice this and let his smile falter a bit. "Are you ready to go?" He turned back to the doctor who just shook her head.

"He's cleared to go, we were just having a small checkup after he noticed some dissimilarities from another human who came in earlier. Just be careful moving around too much. His stitches should be healed in a few days, but they could still come undone if you jostle them too much." Sweet Touch warned. Peter and I nodded in response and said our farewells. The rest of the walk home was filled with silence, strange looks, and Peter's occasional hop from a few pebbles in the road. His feet seemed to be very sensitive, must have been from wearing those shoes all the time. Finally we managed to get home and into the door before I turned to him.


Peter Williams


"So you just decided to tell them. After the talk we had yesterday? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." Derpy opened our first conversation with scolding. She sounded like she was addressing a child instead of a grown... being... Being currently incapable of retort seemed to give her the offering to continue. "What if those vet ponies weren't so understanding? They might have cut you open, or conducted experiments, or cut you open and experimented on your insides! What would you have done then? Huh?" While I appreciated her concern, as I had had similar thoughts when I awoke that morning, I decided to put her fears at ease. I grabbed a sheet of paper, a pencil, and wrote her a note.




I would have fought back and escaped. I'm not as helpless as you might think.




She read the note before responding, "Well, maybe... but we were supposed to talk about this! You may not have any reservations about revealing yourself, but I worry. There's all sorts of nasty ponies who would do horrible things to get their hooves on you. I've heard stories about human fighting pits and places that make them offer..." She blushed, "services." I understood now. Humans in this world really were at the level of dogs, mixed with prostitutes. Well she doesn't need to worry about that, Peter Williams ain't no gigolo. I took Derpy in a hug, surprising her, and wrote her a long note.




Thanks, Derpy. I was a stranger in a strange land and you took 
me in. Even after all that crazyness yesterday, you still care and worry about me. I want 
you to know that means a lot to me. But at the same time, I am mature, free 
individual. I have dreams and ambitions, and I just can't imagine trying to pretend
I'm one of these local humans, living in fake stupidity for the rest of my life. This world has so 
much to offer, so much to learn and see, and I can't just sit on the sidelines and 
watch from the sidelines.




She read the note carefully before turning back to me, with light tears in her eyes, "I suppose I get it. If I was in your position I suppose I wouldn't want to just act like some stupid animal either, and it's not as if you can just stay in the house for the rest of your life." She sat back and gave me a caring smile. I returned the smile before she spoke again. "So, now that we've gotten through that emotional train wreck, let's actually talk about how we are going to do this." I gave a affirmative nod before sitting back.

How was I going to do this? Now that I was sitting still long enough to think, I had no real idea on how to proceed. I thought I could just walk up to the mayor, or Princess, or whatever, and display my intelligence, make my case, and negotiate for my liberties, but given the amount of denial ponies were capable of going through from yesterday's roam through the market, that didn't seem like a viable option anymore. I would need to build my case to prove my sentience. I passed a note to Derpy expressing as much.

She hummed in thought before opening her eyes, one of them slightly off center,  “Well they do have the human intelligence testing facility in Canterlot, we could always go there. It’s where all the nobleponies send their humans when they’re trying to prove their pedigrees.”
I considered this offer for a bit. The untold levels of denial that the general populace seemed to be capable of would probably reduce my results to ‘especially smart human’, and such tests often cost a large sum of cash. The alternative would be trying to illustrate through writing my level of intelligence, which also held at least some potential since I had already managed to convince three separate ponies with such a strategy.



How much would this test cost?



“Oh, uh, I hadn’t thought of that… I’m not sure.”



We can put it on the side until we know more about the costs and the testing process.
For now we can focus on local authorities.



“Sure. That sounds better, and we have Princess Twilight here, so you can just prove it to her and you’ll have royal protection status.”
I nodded, finding her logic sound. Why a princess ruled over a town like this was a bit strange, but it was their kingdom, they could rule how they wanted in it.



Now we just need to set up an appointment with the princess



Derpy nodded, “Yes, it shouldn’t take long to get an audience with her, though. She doesn’t really do much in terms of ruling, since Ponyville was already a growing town when she showed up. We mostly run ourselves unless a monster or something comes from the Everfree Forest.”
I leaned back, more relaxed now that we had something resembling a plan of action. There was one last thing I needed before we proceeded.



Where are my clothes?



Derpy blushed a bit in embarrassment, “Well, most of your shirt and pants were shredded, so I took them to the Carousel Boutique to get fixed. It’s run by Rarity, our local dressmaker, so I thought she would be able to fix it for you, but she was out of town. She should be back today, so we can go drop them off later.” I nodded. I didn’t remember the state my clothes were in when they were taken off last night, but I do recall a large amount of glass puncturing my body and a whole lot of blood. A shame, I really liked that shirt. I'd probably need to get a new one. I rubbed my face in mild frustration, feeling the growing stubble on my jaw and neck. I needed to shave.



Okay, so where are my shoes and the stuff I bought yesterday?



“Oh, they’re in my room. I’ll go get them, one sec!” 
She trotted off as I stood, stretching as far as I could without complicating my injuries. When she returned with the worn bag I had appropriated from the would-be thief full supplies dangling from her mouth I nodded in thanks and took my toiletries to the toilet. I left the door open, since I wasn’t going to disrobe for my facial cleansing, which Derpy saw as an opportunity to observe some of my alien habits. Since the ‘HumanMart’ didn’t have any shaving cream with their disturbing collection of human sexual paraphernalia, I lathered up a bit of soap and began the process of removing my excess facial hair. I left the goatee I had maintained since leaving the military, lightly going over it to maintain a dignified length. If I let it grow out too long I would look scraggly, not that anyone here would realize it. Once that was done and I appraised my look in the mirror I gave my face a quick rinse before going back to the bag. The only other thing I had purchased yesterday was the dietary protein pills, which I placed in the kitchen next to the spices.
After that I inspected my shoes. the leather was scuffed a bit, but it wasn't anything I couldn't buff out with some elbow grease. Overall they were in decent enough condition to continue use, which was good, since I didn't have any others. I then inspected my shirt and pants. The shirt was, as I feared, a lost cause. The holes might have been fixable with some careful needlework, but no amount of super bleach would ever get the blood stains out. My vest was in the same boat. My pants were passable, though, and didn't have as many holes that couldn't be fixed. the large, gaping one that had grown from my scuffles split along the seam lines, so all it needed was a quick stitch with hopefully stronger threads. I wouldn't wear them to a formal even, but they were decent enough to cover my vulnerable person. 
We waited for Dinky to get home before leaving to try and commission me some new clothes. I made another personal debt to Derpy for using her hard-earned bits to get them for me, and swore to pay her back somehow. When Dinky did arrive she did so with an unexpected guest. The lavender unicorn entered with a pink filly wearing a crown and a disgruntled look.
"Diamond Tiara, what are you doing here?" Derpy asked. The filly didn't look up at her.
"Humh. Daddy and Miss. Cheerilee said I had to come to your house and apologize for all the trouble Chuckie caused yesterday before he ran off." The pink filly grumbled, clearly displeased that she had to own up to her responsibilities. It's my fault he was so hungry, so it was my fault he tried to hurt somepony." Tried, nothing, girl! The guy nearly mauled me! My attention was drawn from the pink pony to three more fillies, specifically the ones I had seen two days ago upon my initial entry into Ponyville.
"Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, why are you three here?" Derpy asked of the three pony children.
"We were just sent to make sure she actually apologized and didn't try to chicken out at the last moment." Scootaloo declared.
"Actually, only Dinky needed ta make sure. We jus wanted ta watch." Applebloom smiled sheepishly at her admission of schadenfreude, receiving a glare from her orange friend. Sweetie Belle just stared at me.
"Well, Diamond Tiara," Derpy said, "It's not me you should apologize to. Peter had to spent a whole night at the vet to treat his injuries Chuckie gave him. You should tell him you're sorry." I gave the grey mare a surprised glance. It looks like our talk affected her more than I thought.
"Wh-what? I'm not going to apologize to some stupid human!" 
Well up yours too, kid. 
"This whole thing is stupid. I shouldn't be here, apologizing, I need to find Chuckie! Those guards were going to kill him, and I need to find him before they do! Everypony just keeps telling me what I did wrong, well I get it alright! I shouldn't have mistreated him. I shouldn't have starved him. I should have taken care of him. But NONE OF THIS HELPS HIM! He's out there, alone, being hunted by those guards. He needs help but no one wants to help him, they just want to tell me what I did wrong and IT'S NOT FAIR!" The little filly finished her tirade with everyone cringing. she had tears in her eyes, clenching them shut in a failed attempt to hide her emotions. The three fillies at the door seemed more sullen at their prior enjoyment of her suffering and Dinky was looking more than a little frightened of the pink filly.
I stepped forward, knelt down, scooped the little filly in a hug, and held he there until she was done. She tried resisting at first, but eventually gave up and just let herself cry. I knew the feelings of hopelessness a child being constantly told they were wrong after a goof they wanted to fix. I like to believe I handled it better than she did, but if my suspicions were correct this was the first thing the little girl really cared about and she just couldn't get it right. I finally put her down, grabbed my things, and stepped out, soon followed by Derpy and Dinky, leaving an astonished foursome of fillies with a slip of paper.




Apology accepted, now go find your friend. He probably needs you.



> Omake One: Twenty Years Past
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	High King Peter stepped forth from the ranks toward the small table in the center of the field. There sat an armor-clad minotaur waiting patiently for his arrival. behind the imposing figure was a sizeable army of other minotaurs, griffins, diamond dogs, and other assorted mythological beasts. All and all it was a very imposing sight, but Peter maintained a straight face and continued forward. When he reached the table he gave a stiff salute to the opposing ruler, almost knocking off his tricorn hat. Rather than returning the salute, the minotaur merely gestured to the seat across from him, which Peter took.

“Well now, ‘High King of the Humans’. Here we are.” The minotaur chuckled.

“So we are.” Peter responded. “It doesn’t have to be this way King Hammer Fist. We can both walk away from this field. No deaths. No casualties.”

“I’m afraid that is where you are wrong, little human. I have already vowed to destroy all my foes, and since you and Equestria sided with the former Griffon Emperor, that puts you and your kingdoms on my list. It would look poorly on me if my army just left without the conquest I promised.” The minotaur king leaned forward with a cocky smile.

Peter adjusted his petticoat as he shifted in his chair. “So why did you call me out here to begin with? To gloat?” 

“Something like that. I want to offer you the opportunity to surrender to me.” King Hammer Fist said smugly.

“You speak as if the end result of the battle has already been decided.” Peter countered.

“But hasn’t it?” The minotaur replied, “My army vastly outnumbers yours and are battle hardened. Your little militia of gussied up humans and the Royal Guard stand no chance against us. As you said, ‘High King’, we can all walk away from this. All you have to do is lay down your arms and join my ranks.” Peter instinctively repulsed with disgust at the notion before Hammer Fist continued, “You can even keep your little kingdom. Join us. Together we will march on Canterlot and take the celestial powers for ourselves-”

“Yourself.” Peter stated, interrupting the king. Hammer Fist stared at him for a moment as Peter continued, “You want the celestial powers for yourself, there is no ‘us’ or ‘we’. Only you.”

“Perhaps,” the minotaur king replied, “but you are still in no place to negotiate. You will merely be another conquest on my road to victory. You must surrender, or die. It is a simple choice.” Peter leaned back, surveying the opposing army. The minotaurs looked mean and nasty as ever, but the other members of the force had a different look. Griffins and diamond dogs, once good allies of his people, now looked on with shame, disappointment, and perhaps a little dread. He had faced each force on the field before in one way or another, and to see them relegated to mere auxiliaries in Hammer Fist’s army left a sort of pity in his eyes.

“I cannot.” Peter simply stated. “As a man bound by honor and liberty, I cannot and will not surrender my forces, nor any of my allies, to tyrants such as you. King Hammer Fist, if you think you can sway my loyalties not only to Equestria, but also to myself, you are more bull-headed than you look, which is saying something.” Peter finished with a smirk. Hammer Fist stood, towering over the smaller human.

“You cocky bastard. You think you stand a chance against us? I have over one thousand troops to meet this paltry force. Do you think you might hide behind your little fire-locks? We found some in the dog mines and the bird’s hills. They were weak, feminine weapons, not fit for a proper fight. We will over run you. Your race of ‘smart’ humans will be wiped from the face of the planet. I will have your race subjugated back to where you belong. And when we conquer Canterlot, I will personally ensure any sign of your people’s existence is erased. You will become little more than legends told by old ponies when they get senile and think their servants could at one time talk. I will rout your forces here, then I will hunt you, then I will destroy you. Yield and you may be spared, continue and you will DIE!” Through his tirade Hammer Fist had leaned down and begun yelling directly in Peter’s face, locking eyes with him. Peter, for what it was worth, maintained his seat and calm demeanor, despite the fear that this creature may just smash him. That wouldn’t be good for anyone.

Peter stood, adjusted his hat and petticoat, and stepped back. “If you know the enemy and yourself, you will never suffer loss in battle. Know yourself, but not the enemy, and for every victory you will also suffer defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will lose in every engagement.”

King Hammer Fist harrumphed, “What is that from?”

“A very wise human.” Peter replied. “I’ll see you on the field, Hammer Fist.” With a sharp turn, Peter began a decisive march back to his line as Hammer Fist did to his. Peter had hoped somewhat that negotiations could be made, but it was increasingly obvious he was not dealing with a rational ruler. This was a bull who thought he was the next Alexander or Caesar. A lot of people were going to die today, but hopefully the men’s training would allow them to-

THUNK





Joseph Seedling didn’t ask to be a part of this war. Not at first. The delusions of some megalomaniac minotaur three territories away was none of his concern when he was looking after his orchard. Then the Gruffneck Clan was taken over, and the prices for his metal got a little higher. Then more and more clans fell. Even the den of a sweet little bitch that delivered the mulch they harvested from a swampland near their den. He was kind of sweet on her, but the the damned taurs put her in a breeding pen. When she resisted, they put her head on a pike. That got his blood boiling. But he was just a simple farmer, what was he supposed to do? He wasn’t any good with a sword or a spear, and the Royal Guard didn’t take human recruits who could think for themselves, so what was a simple orchard tender to do? 

Nothing. He could do nothing, and it made his skin crawl in rage. Then the High King started the Regulars. At first it seemed ridiculous. A man with two weeks worth of training holding the same power as a fully armored soldier on the field? It didn’t seem possible. Then he saw the ‘fire-arms’. At first he was afraid of them, but the High King himself show him and his fellow recruits how the weapons worked. With the High King’s stamp of approval, they began training in earnest. The recruits had woodland training, plains land training, swamp training, and everything in between, and after a five week course they were given their first Regulars regiment uniforms. 

That was six month ago and now five whole regiments stood before the army of King Hammer Fist. Joseph tightened the grip on his rifle as he stared into the enemy horde. He felt brave, vengeful, and terrified all at the same time. He remembered his training, and could clean and load his rifle in his sleep by now, but there was always the fear of death within him. The High King said that those feelings were good though, because it meant they were still human. Ever since the start of the war High King Williams seemed different. Before he had been more joyful and relaxed, but now not a day went by without him yelling at someone or something. Maybe that’s what he meant when he said war could turn men into monsters. Still, it wasn’t Joseph’s place to think about such things. He was just a simple farmer-turned-soldier. 

When the High King was passing through the ranks, Joseph stood aside to let him pass. Like the rest of the humans on the field of battle he wore no armor, but just a uniform with slightly more shiny stuff on it than the rest of the men. He carried a curved sword on his hip as his only weapon. He marched out to where the minotaur king sat patiently with long, purposeful strides. Joseph took the opportunity to look around him,trying not to make it too obvious. Next to his battle line stood a detachment of Royal Guard, stone faced and stalwart as ever in their gleaming golden armor. He thought the armor looked uncomfortable, and was glad he wore his Regulars coat instead. It didn’t provide as much protection, but it also didn’t constrict his movement, which was critical for the tactics they had been trained in. A few guardsponies looked over at the human ranks with contempt. While technically a sovereign power, many ponies still viewed the Human Kingdoms with disdain. Most of the Kingdoms’ population once served them as beasts, and the nobility didn’t think much of the same people they associated as mindless sex machines. Fortunately the apple farmer Joseph had been elevated from was much more understanding, and they had even kept in touch after he had moved to the Kingdom to grow his own orchard.

Joseph began thinking of his home and family, at least as close of family as he could figure. They had stayed back to tend to the farm while he was off to war, and they prayed every night for his safe return. They were a simple family, two brothers and three sisters helped him run the farm. Another sister lived as a servant in the castle of the High King himself. It paid well and High King Williams always treated his staff with respect and dignity. Joseph was happy for her.

The High King apparently got into an argument with King Hammer Fist, as the minotaur suddenly stood and leaned over the High King. Joseph heard the entire line tense up on their weapons. They would protect the High King to their death if they had to. He had brought them up from their madness and taught them what it meant to be free men. They would stand by his side to the end. The confrontation ended and both monarchs walked away from the small table. High King William’s stern face and angry posture told the men all they needed to know about the meeting. Joseph steeled himself to begin the battle.

King Hammer Fist lumbered back to his army. The minotaur raised his arm to the sky. Joseph squinted his eyes as a some movement among the minotaurs could be seen. He wondered what they could be-

THUNK

High King William collapsed face first into the ground, a large minotaur crossbow bolt sticking out of his back. For a moment there was total silence, no one on the field daring to make a sound that would confirm what they just saw was real and not a part of some strange vision. When that moment ended the ranks of humans had a shroud cast over them. A deep, primal urge filled the devoted soldiers of the fallen High King. An urge that overpowered all their education in humanity and reason. Vengeance. Joseph seedling was not immune to this urge that crossed the ranks. It was his sweet diamond girl all over again, but this time, he could do something. Suddenly that big army over yonder didn’t seem so scary. In fact, they looked like a pack of cowards, waiting to be riddled with his bullets and bayonet.

The human ranks let out a deafening roar when the call to charge was made, and every man answered. They lifted their rifles and the whole of the line rushed forward. Despite their rage, their months training had it desired effect. While the army of Man charged they maintained their ranks. Joseph could see the High King directly in front of him. They had only so far to go before they were right on top of him. He was almost there when he saw the High King start to move. High King Williams was alive! He could be saved! All they needed to do was-

SHREEEEEEEEE!





King Hammer Fist stormed back towards his army. That pitiful human dared to throw his offer in his face!? The king had not given the option of surrender to any other foe he had faced, and that fool who dared call himself “High King” threw his generosity back in his face. Admittedly the offer was intended to spare his men the indignity of having to fight the very beasts that should never have left their rule to begin with. Despite his promise King Hammer Fist never intended to let that fool Williams keep his kingdom. He and his people would be returned to their rightful place in the world, subservient beasts to be used and discarded. It would start here, with the defeat of the human army. Humans, as always, were stupid creatures that would be blind without instruction. It was only a matter of taking away their owner. King Hammer Fist raised his burly arm to signal his crossbows to fire. He heard the sound of the crossbows release and-

THUNK

Hammer Fist didn’t need to turn around to know the bolts had hit their mark. The minotaurs of his army looked on with glee at the sight of the fallen human. They knew the rest of it’s kind would soon follow. The other components of his army, though, didn’t seem as enthusiastic. That was also expected. The Diamond mutts were long time trading partners with the Human Kingdoms, with many Dogs regarding the High King with respect for his various achievements. Some had even faced him and the humans in combat when the Kingdoms were first being set up. The fact the mutts had any respect for the humans had been his proof that their clans were weak and needed the guidance of the Tauran people. The Griffons were somewhat upset as well. Their sense of honor probably had some rule against killing someone before a battle had started, but they were the same fools he had defeated twelve months ago. Conquering their aviaries had been something of a challenge since the Tauran army had no real air units other than the few airships used in trade, but the magic amulet that gave him his vision of conquest provided the anti-air power he needed. Now the Griffons answered to him.

Hammer Fist reached his ranks with a smirk. His First Captain stood by to speak with him.

“My lord, I take it the human refused our generosity?”

“Unfortunately.” Hammer Fist replied, “Now we must bother with this rabble. There’s not even enough ponies to make this fight interesting. Another day wasted. Oh well.” From the other side of the field an uproar could be heard. The human army was becoming the beasts Hammer Fist knew they were without their High King’s commands.

“The beasts seem to be charging, sire.” The captain said calmly. Sure enough the rabble of humans with their firearms were moving with great haste across the field. They were not quite within range of the crossbows, but they would be cut down by axe and bolt soon enough. The fools didn’t even see fit to wear armor, so soon they would be killed, routed, and hunted by the auxiliaries. No need to bother his best troops on such worthless-

SHREEEEEE!

The lines of humans suddenly halted their charge, just inside range of the crossbows. They had stopped in their lines just over the fallen High King and raised their weapons. Hammer Fist’s eyes widened in surprise at the sudden discipline in the human ranks. He turned, prepared to yell at the crossbows to fire when anything he could have said was drowned out by the loud cracks of the humans’ rifles. Those were quickly followed by a collapsing line of minotaurs, struck by the human ammunition passing through their expertly crafted armor. The First Captain to his left was not spared from this barrage, as his pained scream joined the chorus of the fallen. King Hammer Fist was spared from such a death, however, as he quickly moved behind the front ranks to reach the crossbowtaurs who were taking matters into their own hands, beginning their first volley at the humans. He reached them in time to see the first volley land amongst the human ranks. Several fell to the bolts, but unlike what Hammer Fist had predicted, the humans did not even begin to panic. They stood still, rigid, and disciplined as Royal Guards. The first rank had begun to fall back, reloading their weapons as they did. The rest of the line soon followed, stepping backwards in unison. A quick survey of the field revealed they had left their dead behind in their retreat, but the body of the fallen High King was nowhere to be found. Their little charge had cost them precious troops all for a dead man. If their disciplined manner wasn’t so disturbing, Hammer Fist would have laughed. They were soon out of crossbow range, which meant their weapons were useless as well. His crossbows were the pride of the world in terms of ranged combat, capable of hitting a target at one hundred tails. The effectiveness of their rifles had come to surprise the minotaur king, but he still had the advantage in melee combat. A firm charge into the enemy ranks was sure to break them, then they could finally begin their move on Canterlot. 

Hammer Fist spared a glance at the fifty some-odd Royal Guardsponies that were assembled on the east side of the field. Perhaps after seeing the humans slaughtered they could be made to see reas-

His thoughts were cut off by another resounding series of cracks from across the field. Once more the humans had fired and more of his minotaurs fell to the ground. How could they still be in range!? No weapon short of magic could shoot that far! It did not matter, he needed to settle this, NOW. 

“Warriors! CHARGE!” King Hammer Fist bellowed to his men. Without hesitation the warriors began their sprint across the field, mighty strides carrying them farther quicker than any human could run. He turned back to the crossbowtaurs. “You move forward and prepare to volley into the humans’ rear ranks. They are proving to be enough of pests as it is!” Another series of cracks sounded, and many of his once charging warriors fell into the soft ground. The humans had made a sort of shooting retreat, one part of the line firing volleys into the approaching horde, then retreating as another portion began their own volley. Hammer Fist watched as his brave, powerful warriors were being cut to ribbons. He turned to the crossbowtaurs and bellowed “MOVE!”

They immediately responded, surging forward to get into range so they could begin their volleys. Hammer Fist Turned toward his auxiliary commanders, snarling with anger. “You lot move up too!” The Griffons and Diamond Dogs looked across the killing field warily, concern in their eyes. “I said MOVE you worthless lot! Those beasts can’t even hit a dragon at this-”

CRA-TOW!





CRA-TOW!

Sherman Wheatman lowered his scoped rifle, a smirk plastered wied across his face. He turned to his fellow sniper, Patrick Sweep, and said, “Bam. Pay up.”

“You’re full of shit, Wheatman!” Patrick looked through his scope, only to verify that indeed the minotaur king laid dead in the center of a mass of enemy soldiers, blood leaking from his forehead. “What the Hell!” He cried before digging in his pouch and handing over a handful of gold coins. “How the hell does a wheat farmer get so good at sniping?”

“Pure skill, buddy.” Sherman replied, slipping the bits into one of his spare pouches.  “Try and get that crossbow captain next, I’m pretty sure he’s the one who hit the High King.”

“Fine.” Patrick replied, raising his scope to his eye. “But you’re buying next time we hit the bars in Central.” Patrick found the minotaur Sherman had mentioned, he wore a golden sash, designating him as an advanced officer. The cross-hairs carefully tracked him before the rifle cracked. The captain’s shoulder spurted blood and forced him to the ground. “Fuck! Non-lethal hit, but he’s out of the action.”

“Can’t get ‘em all, bud. Still, that ought to put the fear of God in those bulls.” Sherman said casually. The two set about reloading their rifles as two men ran up from the field dragging a form. “Seedling, that you!?” Sherman said. He sat his rifle aside as he rushed to his friend’s aid. Joseph Seedling, one of his fellows from first regiment, had just run up from the field with a crossbow bolt stuck in his left arm, the body of High King Williams gripped in his right. The other man was Doc Gerald, one of the army doctors who volunteered to treat battle wounded soldiers.

“Get over here!” Doc Gerald called to the two snipers, who both ran up to aid their wounded leader. “You lie down too!” the doctor commanded Joseph, “We need to get that bolt out before it gets infected!”

“But what about the High King!?” Patrick said, laying the High King on the ground gently as to not disturb the wounds. High King Williams then surprised them all when he gave a hearty cough and leaned up, despite the bolt sticking from his back.

“I-*hack*-I’ll be fine. Treat this man. Needs it more than I do.” The High King reached behind him and firmly pulled the bolt from his back as the soldiers looked in awe. “Heh. Two inches lower and I’d have been in real trouble. Just goes to show how much you can trust those fanatics over there.” He felt the area where the bolt struck, muttering, “Gonna bruise up like a bitch though.” He turned towards the two snipers, who looked at him as if he had just risen from the dead, which is what it indeed looked like. “How goes the battle?”

Sherman spoke up first, trying to decide whether or not it was appropriate to go to attention when talking to the High King in this situation. He ended up halfway through a crouch and standing. “S-sir! Everything is going well so far. we lost about twenty men to the crossbow barrage, but we have inflicted casualties ever since we started the Fighting Retreat. They started moving their crossbows up,though, so we may have some trouble from their barrages. We’ve been going through ammo to fast as well. We can’t keep this level of fire for long.”

“And King Hammer Fist?” The High King grunted as he stood up, straightening his uniform.

“Dead, sir. I caught him in his head while he was ordering the crossbows up.” Sherman answered, standing straight himself now that he wasn’t leaning over his leader.

“Really?” The High King asked.

“It’s true sir.” Patrick voiced up. “Won thirty bits off me on the bet too.” 

High King Williams smiled while putting the final corrections to his uniform and placing his tricorn hat on his head, “Well if it’s been confirmed I’ll make sure you get a medal Mr… I don’t believe we have been formally introduced.”

Sherman stood straight as a board at attention, “C-corporal Sherman Wheatman, sir! First Regiment, First Battalion, Sniper Corps.

“Right… Wheatman. I’ll remember that.” The High King said. “Probably. If you gentlemen will excuse me, I have a battle to get to.” He turned and began a swift walk back to where the battle lines were continuing their fighting retreat. Doc Gerald made to follow, but hesitated when Joseph moved, hurting his arm more.

“Would you two go watch over our foolhardy High King before he gets himself hurt again? I need to patch this guy up.” The doctor asked. 

Patrick looked over at Sherman and shrugged. “I was low on ammo anyway.”

Sherman nodded and picked up his rifle. “Don’t forget your bayonet. Something tells me we won’t be getting out of this without stabbing a few bulls.”

The two snipers ran to catch up with the High King, who was talking with one of his staff as he approached the front.

“Where are the enemy auxiliaries?” High King Williams asked.

“They were hanging back, probably to chase us off the field when the bulls were done with us, but after we forced their infantry back they started pushing the auxiliaries forward while they regroup. Diamond Dogs on the ground while Griffons are in the skies. They are staying out of range for the moment, but they will probably be used as fodder for the next charge.”

“Alright, where are our guests? Still hiding?”

“Just waiting on the signal, sir. With the sudden shift in tactics, though, they are getting concerned  about potential losses.”

“Understandable. Send word to them to rally on my position. we need to move fast.”

“Yes sir!” The staff officer ran off to speak with whoever these guests were. The High King noticed as Sherman and Patrick approached.

“Oh, you boys joining me? Well enough.” He said calmly.

“Sir,” Patrick stated, “don’t you think it might be dangerous to return to the battle? You were already hit once, and I don’t even know how you survived that, but the next one could be in your head!”

“First, my dear boy,” the High King replied while opening up his uniform to show a black fabric held stiff by an armor plate within, “I have a special armored vest on. Thought it might come in hand. It’s on my ‘to reproduce’ list, so you boys may get some one day. Second, I need to show the men I’m alive and well for a boost to morale. Nothing like seeing your dead General come back to life to give you some courage. Third, those sons of bitches shot me in the back. By the law of warfare I am entitled to stab a bitch.” He punctuated his last statement by drawing his saber. As he walked into the battle line many a man stopped to look at him. He marched to the commander of the unit.

“Captain I want any man not currently firing or reloading to fix bayonet. When the first unit runs out of ammo, we charge the enemy crossbows.” He ordered.

“What of the auxiliaries, sire? They will have our flank.” The captain asked as soon as the commands were relayed.

“Let my good friends handle the auxiliaries.” The High King answered as a Griffon and Diamond Dog approached. The Griffon was dressed in a gold-embossed steel chest piece and had a spear clutched in his talons. The Diamond Dog wore a set of trousers as his only clothes. He wore a brace of pistols on his chest with an over sized blunderbuss in his paws. They were Emperor Hindfeather and High Clansman Rex, rightful heirs to their people’s thrones and close friends of William’s. Behind both of them came banner men carrying flags of their respective nations. They eyed the enemy host warily.

“Are you certain this will work, Williams?” the emperor asked.

“If it doesn’t we were all dead anyway, so why not try?” Came the High King’s retort. “Have your agents reached your peoples?”

“Yes.” Hindfeather replied, “They know their emperor lives, and calls on them to repulse the invaders.”

“The same as much has been spread among the clans. They are excited that they may be able to smash some bull heads after what they did to us.” the Diamond Dog Chieftain growled.

“Well, the enemy is almost in position, we need to move quickly. You guy ready?” The High King received nods in reply. “Alright. Wait for it…” He held his hand out, as if holding back a flood. Finally the crack of rifles that had been polluting the air with noise quieted.

A call rang out, “Third battalion has depleted it’s ammunition!”

“NOW!” The High King called out, raising his saber high, “RAISE THE BANNERS AND CHARGE!” He sprinted from the ranks, letting everyone on the field see him before they began their movement. The banner men and regents, having expected this, were the first to move, quickly followed by the rest of the army. The human host surged forward, bayonets fixed, toward the reforming minotaurs. They, in turn tried firing into the host, but many of their crossbows still needed to be reloaded from the last time they had fired a volley. It didn’t help that some humans were still shooting into the mass of bulls as they charged.

Despite his enthusiasm, High King Williams was not the man he once was was. Trying to raise and run a kingdom, then several kingdoms, then planning a war had left him little time to maintain his strength to keep up with his Regulars. As such, even with his head start, he found himself fading into the background as the men passed him by. He did see as the banners of the Griffon Empire and the Canine Confederacy broke away and began moving to where the auxiliaries had been gathering to try and cover the crossbow’s withdraw. To say the look on their faces were priceless would not have done it justice. 

He looked around some more to get a grasp on the battlefield before he saw the Royal Guardsponies. They hadn’t moved since the engagement started. They had originally been waiting for the humans to rout so they could try to strike the flanks and try to kill King Hammer Fist and run. Now that the humans had not only stood, but were actively fighting the enemy, they were unsure of what to do. Looking over his left shoulder, High King Williams found Sherman and Patrick, waiting patiently for their charge to act.

“Wheatman,” He said, causing the sniper-turned-bodyguard to tense, “Get over there and tell those ponies if their waiting on my permission to do something, they can go break up those bulls that are reforming across the line. They can do that, right?” Sherman saluted with a smile and ran toward the pony ranks to deliver the message. Williams looked back toward the battle where the minotaurs were wavering. The ranged units wore thinner armor than the foot soldiers that had charged the human lines, but they were still minotaurs, and thus dangerous in combat. Every now and then a rifle would sound as another man who hadn’t shot all his ammunition leapt into the fray, causing more disorder among the crossbowtaurs. The High King walked over to one of his fallen kinsmen and picked up the dead soldier’s weapon. It wasn’t loaded, but the bayonet stood tall in the light of day.

“Well, we shouldn’t make those bulls wait too long, eh? Come on lad! I’ll not be the king who stood idle when there was soldier’s work to be done!” With that the High King began jogging toward the melee, Patrick moving quickly to stay with him.
> Chapter 10
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


Derpy, Dinky and I left the fillies behind as we strolled through town. I held my clothes close, feeling the curious stares of the local populace at the bed sheet clothed human. After my... adventure... last night I was much more aware that some of those stares may have been less curious in nature. I was thankful to have my shoes back, though, my feet no longer stepping over every little rock and crag in the road. About halfway through town I became aware of a small group of fillies following us. I should have expected as much, after dropping the 'Intelligent Human' bomb on them like I did. They probably wanted to see how smart I really was. I waited for the opportune moment...

NOW!

I spun around, catching the fillies as they were transitioning from hiding behind a barrel to hiding behind a bale of hay. They looked dead at me, unsure of what to do. I only gave them a smirk and a wag of the finger before turning back to my hosts. They smiled softly at my little prank and continued on. I could tell the fillies were back at it after thirty seconds. 

"I think you'll like Rarity." Derpy said, stirring up a conversation. "You both seem to have a real appreciation for nice things, though she can go overboard sometimes." Being mute and having terrible writing as I walked, I merely nodded along.

"She makes really pretty dresses and likes help ponies, but Sweetie Belle complains that she's really busy most of the time." It sounds like she runs this dress shop all on her own, so I can imagine she would be kept busy. Me and a good friend from high school tried forming a company after we graduated, but all the red tape, combined with my college, ended up costing too much to maintain it, and judging by how often the ponies I'd seen wore clothes I'm not sure how successful a seamstress could be in this town. Maybe she ships the clothing? Meh, whatever.

When we finally arrived I had to stifle a chuckle. I didn't know what I expected from a building called Carousel Boutique, but a building that was actually decorated like a carousel was not one of them. I don't know why not. We walked up and knocked on the door.

"Coooooming!!!" I heard a sing-song voice call from the other side. the door opened to a white unicorn with an absurdly curly purple mane and tail. "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, Where everything garment is chic, unique, and magnifique!" She opened her eyes after she recited her little opener. I could honestly say, as far as first impressions go, she had made the best of most of the ponies I had encountered so far. "Come in, Derpy, come in! You can leave your pet tied to the post by the door." Aaand there it goes. As always the pony race never ceases to amaze. 

Rather than wait for me to respond, Derpy hastily interjected, "Actually, Rarity, what we need is some clothes for him." That gave the unicorn pause.

"Oh? you're buying clothes for your human? I didn't realize you were prepared to invest so much in one. Most ponies aren't willing to put so much into their humans." I suddenly had a mental image of a burly human in one of those brightly colored woolen sweaters and boots over bearing owners would put on their chihuahuas and dachshunds. I snerked.

"Well, Peter here is a little different." Derpy gestured for me to enter after her, which I did and stood straight in the high-roofed building. "He's already used to wearing clothes a lot, and doesn't like to go naked."

"I see." Rarity replied. "I was wondering about the bed sheet. He look like he walked right out of Pegaopolis a few thousand years ago." She smiled pleasantly. I wasn't sure weather that was supposed to be an insult or a complement. Regardless, I dropped my damaged clothes on the floor, folded neatly for Rarity to examine.

"It's just temporary." Derpy said. "He already has some clothes that he's comfortable with, but they're damaged. We were hoping you could fix them or make some new sets." Rarity nodded and began using her magic to lift and examine the articles. I gave some specific scrutiny to the translucent aura that surrounded the clothes. Despite my curiosity, Rarity continued to examine the shirt, pants, and jacket of my suit.

"Well, despite the damage, I can honestly say I've never seen human clothes quite this well made." She said, looking deeper at my clothes. "Such detailed stitching, so exact, as if made by a machine. And what is this material? The shirt is cotton, but the pants? I just don't know. What is this lining in the vest? Its sheen is like silk, but the fabric itself is something completely different." She finally looked up at Derpy and I. "Just where did you get these, Derpy?"

Derpy shyly blushed at the sudden attention and mumbled just loud enough to be heard, "Well, he sort of just... came with them. He was wearing them when he showed up." I flinched when Rarity's attention suddenly snapped to me. Her gaze lingered on my form before going back to Derpy.

"Well can you tell me anything else? It's not like he's going to tell me." Rarity asked. 

"Actually, he just might." Derpy said, looking to me briefly. "He might be, kinda-sort of an alien from another planet." Rarity looked at her as if she had just said the sky was made of pumpernickel. I suppose that may have been a reasonable reaction to such a revelation. I gave a rough cough to get her attention before pulling out my handy-dandy notebook. I could almost feel her eyes widen as I wrote.




If you must know, I purchased my suit at a local upper dressing outlet in my home town,
along with a hat to go with it.
At the moment I need a patch job on the jacket and pants and a replacement shirt. Can you do it?




Rarity's eye twitched strongly until she spoke again, "Well, Derpy my dear, as amusing this little charade is, we must move on. Now I can do the job, but I will be limited to the materials I already have. Give me a day to study the designs and put a plan together and I'll have a decent estimate on the price." I accepted her ignoring my intelligence. Ponies, like all people, don't like to have their world view shattered, and some would avoid it to the point of outright denial. I pitied the mare for how stressful that shattering would be when it happened to her. 

Derpy and I were about to leave when a crash from the other side of the studio drew our attention. Sweetie Belle's head popped out of a large pile of cloth.

"Sweetie Belle!? What in Equestria do you think you're doing!?" Rarity demanded as she stormed across the room.

Sweetie Belle stood as her sister drew closer, "Sorry sis. I was just trying to spy on the intelligent human!" She cried, her voice cracking a bit from some for of pony puberty. Rarity rolled her eyes.

"Oh please. Don't tell me you're in on this silly little game Derpy has going. Humans are not intelligent, no more than dear Opalescence." She stated gesturing to a white, fluffy cat who had wandered into the room. Sweetie eyed the cat warily.

"I don't know, Rarity. Opal is pretty smart." I wasn't sure who to glare at hardest, Rarity, Sweetie, or the cat. Ultimatly I gave up and took it as a compliment. 

"Sweetie I'm afraid I don't have time for this silliness. I have much more work to do, so-"

"But it's true!" Sweetie interjected, "Dinky told us everything. About how he's an alien, and can do all kinds of smart human things, and even whistle!"

"Sweetie! Really! If you're going to just make up silly stories, at least make them believable! Next you'll tell me he can swim across the lake!" Rarity scorned. I decided that was enough for an intervention. I stepped up, getting Rarity's attention. I stood tall and whistled a few chords of the Star Spangled Banner. Her eyes widened. I whistled off a few more tunes as I wrote on the notebook.




And I'll have you know I'm a fairly decent swimmer. Can backstroke like no one's business.




Rarity stared at the note, mouth agape, for a while. A long while. Long enough I began to get concerned. I could almost see the clockwork getting clogged in her head. I bent over a snapped my fingers in front of her. This did bring her out of her semi-vegetative state, but I believe I would have preferred if she had not.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" She backpedaled away from me, across the boutique. Her frantic scream finally ended when she took refuge behind a mannequin of a pony with swaths of fabric pinned to it. "ALIEN!"

Derpy and I looked at each other after we regained the ability to hear and I shrugged. I supposed it was inevitable we would eventually find a pony who didn't take my intelligence in as much stride as Derpy or the good doctor. I only wished it wasn't the one who I was now dependent on to repair my pants. Derpy stepped forward, speaking in a calm voice, "Rarity, please calm down. He just wants his clothes fi-"

"HE WANTS TO EAT US! RUN SWEETIE BELLE!" Sweetie, bless her, faced the torrent of piercing screeches and approached her sister.

"Sis, I don't think he's here to eat us. Dinky said he has a lot of problems eating things that can talk."

"What!? Then he must be here for... for..." Rarity suddenly clenched her legs together, emitting a small squeak. "OH FOR ALL UNDER THE SUN! GO SWEETIE BELLE! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF FOR AS LONG AS I CAN!" Really!? First the vet and now the tailor? What was it with ponies and sex!? Everything was quiet for a few moments as Sweetie's friends came in to watch the unicorn's antics. Finally Rarity opened her eyes to see everyone staring at her, including me with a raised eyebrow. "Well?!" She said, "What are you waiting for!? Run!"

Derpy sighed and walked up to the prone unicorn. "Peter isn't going to do... whatever it is you're thinking, Rarity. He's a nice person. He protected me and Sea Breeze yesterday and just wants to be treated like any other pony."

Rarity looked cautiously, "But... he's not a pony. He's a human." Thanks, Ms. Obvious. Is your coat white as well?

"I know. Look, he wants to set up a meeting with Princess Twilight, but he insists he needs his clothes fixed or replaced before he does so. That's why we came to you." Derpy explained. 

At the mention of Princess Twilight Rarity perked up. "Oh... yes... Twilight. She'll defiantly know what to do. But he'll hardly need any of my help. Twilight is very relaxed on customs and courtesies. What he's wearing right now should be more than enough." I looked down at my toga-sheet. While it would be more or less indecent to come before royalty on earth in such attire, I suppose in a land where the majority of the population is naked most of the time it wouldn't be a big deal. 

"Actually, I think it may be more of a personal pride thing than looking good for the princess." Derpy said. I nodded in agreement. Besides, my hat only goes with the suit. Otherwise it'd just look weird.

"Yes, well, t-this is a bit to take in, but I suppose I could do it. I'd just need to get his measurements and I will see what I can do." She shakily walked into a backroom and I followed, leaving Derpy and the kids to wait out in the parlor. 






Rarity


Nothing to worry about Rarity. You're just taking measurements. Of human. An intelligent human. From another world. An alien world. That probably wants to conquer us. And enslave us. And breed us. And-

I shook my head to clear away such thoughts. Miss. Hooves already vouched for him, and that was no way to think of a new customer. He just wanted some of my fabulous designs to wear, not wage war. He didn't look like a prime specimen either. While not a fancier like some ponies, I could give appropriate admiration of the human form, and this... Peter was nowhere near the largest or most muscular human I'd ever seen. AppleJack still held that particular human on the farm for breeding stock and I think she uses him for farm work. I've never seen a human actually buck an apple tree, but AppleJack assures me he is a master at it. Peter was nowhere near that human's level of strength and muscularity, though, and if push came to shove I was confident I could take him.

Until he took off his bed sheet robe and revealed the bandages that covered his torso. I admit, the image did strike me. Derpy mentioned he was injured protecting her, but to see the damage in the flesh was a bit different. I quickly released myself from my stupor and began the measurements. It was a simple process, if a bit awkward. While I had made a few designs for noble pony's humans before, my experience was limited, as most ponies, noble or no, didn't much care for what their human was wearing. Here, though, was a human that had sought me out specifically for high quality clothes. Even in their damaged state, I could tell the samples he had brought in were well designed. While there was a lingering shred of doubt and fear at the prospects of an intelligent alien human before me, I could appreciate that he had enough culture and class to seek good attire. I completed the measurements, making sure to write them down for reference. Peter put back on his sheet quickly, almost embarrassed to have been in such a state. 

Once clothed, he sat in a chair admittedly to small for him. He shifted awkwardly and I couldn't help but have a small giggle at his troubles. His surprisingly expressive face was contorted in consternation that looked so out of place on a human, but so appropriate for anyone so large in such a small world. I managed to stifle my amusement when he shot me an irate glare, then settled for sitting on the floor, tucking his legs beneath him in a very dignified fashion. I watched as he scrawled another message onto his little notepad.




So what do you think?




After reading the note and taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I answered, "Well, it's not a design I'm familiar with. It has many more details than a pony would normally want in a garment for their human. Even a front pocket! Though I suppose a pon-person such as yourself might make use of such things." I smiled as pleasantly as I could manage, given the circumstances. Peter nodded thoughtfully before writing a response.




I understand. I doubt most of your local humans wouldn't know what to do with pockets. 
I hesitate to think of what they would do with zippers.




I couldn't keep back a small giggle at the thought. A human sitting there with a zipper, unattached to anything, pulling it up and down. Peter let out a small, if raspy, chuckle as well. A lull of silence passed between us before I spoke again.

"So... another world, huh?" He rubbed the back of his head bashfully and nodded. "How wonderfully exciting it must be. Foreign lands, new, interesting cultures. Almost like something out of one of those Daring Doo novels Rainbow Dash is always going on about." Peter rolled his eyes and wrote.




How romantic. You make it sound as if I were some grand explorer, searching the cosmos for intelligent life.




The more we... 'conversed' the more I could feel my curiosity rise. Here was a being clearly out of place in the world, like a pony trapped in the body of a human. "So how was it that you came to be with us then, dear?" I asked. Peter gave a bit of a puff and moved to a new position where his legs crossed in front of him, indicating that he wanted a more comfortable configuration for a long tale. Before he could begin writing, however, Derpy poked her head in the room.

"Are you guys done yet?" She asked politely, "I mean, it's alright if you need more time, but Dinky's been invited to a sleepover at Applebloom's and I need to get ready for work in the morning, so I just wanted to know."

"Of course, dear, of course." I gently waved at her. "Although, if you wouldn't mind to terribly much, I am hoping you might let Peter here stay for a bit longer. I am ever so curious as to what sorts of fashion an alien from another world could teach me." The fact I wanted to hear more of his story contributed as well.

"Oh, uh, well, I suppose. You'd have to bring him home though. After the fight yesterday Officer Far Sight told me about the department's new policy on stray humans. Peter will need to be accompanied at all times, or he'll be taken to the shelter." Peter's eyes widened at this. Apparently this was news to him as well.

"Well, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?" I sighed. Ponyville didn't used to have these strict rules, but with the rising population of ponies and humans more safety laws were needed. Humans were large, potentially dangerous creatures. Outside of their usual docile natures they could fit in with the creatures of the Everfree Forest. Only trained ponies like AppleJack could handle many of them at one time. I briefly imagined Peter at the hooves of the ponies in charge of the shelter, locked behind the cold bars with no one but his brutish, less intelligent cousins for company. The officers would probably strip him of his clothing as well. I gave a small shiver. "Not to worry, dear" I assured, "I will escort him back to your home personally." Derpy looked unsure until she looked to Peter, who gave her a nod. Derpy hesitantly left us in peace after that. Poor mare works herself to the bone for her little Dinky. Having Peter around could only be a boost for her, even with the increased food costs.

Peter and I sat in my home for a few hours more, pleasantly discussing all manor of things about our worlds. I was very surprised at the idea that humans from 'Earth' wore clothes all day everyday. Peter, likewise was surprised that a boutique such as mine could survive, much less profit in a land where the vast majority of the population were, as he put it, 'nudists'. He showed me his shoes, made from a material he called 'pleather', which gave me some inspiration on breaking in to some Griffon markets. From there the conversation went on about business, politics, nobles, and more. His input was limited by the size of his notepad, but he did manage to contribute much. He was a philosopher and carried himself like a true gentlecolt, even making some tea for us to share as we talked. At some point our conversation came to the subject of family.

"...Oh sweetie is just the greatest little sister one could ask for. She can be a bit fussy sometimes, and has a nasty habit of destruction, especially since she and her friends formed their 'Cutie Mark Crusaders' club, but really she is just a darling!"




So does she live with you, or do your parents live nearby somewhere?




"My parents live in a town down the road, but are within walking distance. Sweetie used to live with them, but when Mother and Father began traveling again	she had to move in with me. Father's new job required him to move a lot, and they wanted Sweetie to have a more rooted upbringing."




I understand. Life for children in mobile families can be quite rough, having to make new friends wherever they go, 
and never getting to fully enjoy the ones the have before it's time to leave again.




I nodded, "Yes, exactly why they sent her here to me. While I wasn't expecting for a young filly to drop into my lap so early in life, I was making enough to support her and she is family, so I didn't have much of a choice. It's hard running a business and making sure Sweetie grows up alright, but I manage." I took a sip of  my tea. It was a tad strong for my taste, but Peter seemed to enjoy it. "What about you, dear? Do you have any family waiting for you back home?" Peter nodded and began writing.




Family I do have, but none are waiting for me. I moved out of my parent's home during my junior year of college, and they probably won't realize I'm missing until after a month of no calls. I was set to move away from my hometown not very long after graduation, so they'll probably only be disappointed I didn't call before I left. I have a brother and two sisters, but they have all taken their own paths. We keep in touch, but there won't be much surprise if I suddenly stop writing for a while.




Peter thought for a moment before adding more.




Besides, it's not like I'll be here forever.




"Oh?"I asked, "You plan on returning soon?"




As soon as I am able. There's not much use for a human with my skill set here.




"That's a shame, darling. You're such a pleasant conversationalist, even if it's not much of a conversation." Peter shot me a rougish grin that looked oddly appropriate, despite his human features.




I try.




The clock chimed several times to notify us of the late hour, at which point I, as a mare of my word, walked Peter home. There were few ponies out in the dark night, so Peter and I enjoyed a quiet stroll. I shared some more of my knowledge of Ponyville, pointing out important landmarks and the like, before we managed to reach 12 Druery Lane. We said our goodbyes in the light of the streetlamp, and I promised to get at least a prototype of his desired clothes done by the end of the next day, if anything for the stimulating conversation. He gave me a small, polite bow before entering the house.

As I returned home I let my thoughts about my night wander. I never had met an individual quite like Peter before. Cultured, intelligent, polite, and a snappy dresser? Oh, if only he were a stallion everything would be right. Sure he might be a bit rough around the edges, but certainly worth a few extra glances if he weren't in a human form. I sighed as I reached the door of my boutique. "Why do all the good ones have to be just out of reach?"
> Chapter 11
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams

The following day was mostly filled with studying various books around Derpy's home to learn as much as I could about Equestria to prepare for my upcoming meeting with pony royalty. Apparently the whole nation was ruled by a monarch. Except there's three of them. Who control the sun and moon. I checked and re-checked my research several times over to look for any typos or errors in the writing, but every source agreed that the rulers of this land had the power to manipulate heavenly bodies. I try not to think about it to much and move on to what I can understand without breaking the laws of physics. 

Equestria, by way it's set up, should not exist as a nation. It has a monarchy, but three monarchs, and no kings or queens. It has a council of nobles, but with no apparent power. It has many cities and elect their local offices, but no regional authority except the divided crown and the useless nobles. Unless the army has three times the force of any other nation on the planet, there is no way in hell this country should have lasted thirty years, much less over one thousand.

The best I could piece together, the noble class consisted of ponies with considerable land holdings or major businesses, but were limited in what they could do by the crown...s, making them more or less a big country club for the uber rich. They had to abide by the laws governing all ponies on humane... ponymane?... decent treatment of their fellows. Stuff like eviction notices, use of force, corporate espionage, and all the other things rich people had to worry about when they were being particularly dickish. Of course that was just on paper. Like any civilized society, there was probably a few nobles who got away with murder if they set their minds and pocketbooks too it.

The royalty consisted of three monarchs. Or would it be triarchs? Mono, tri... Whatever. These "Princesses", I guess their word for queen or regent, rule all of Equestria. At the same time. One is Princess Celestia, Princess of the Day, Ruler of the Sun. Okay. That makes sense in the Sun-Controlling category. One is Princess Luna, Princess of the Night, again, appropriate if the laws of physics are ignored. The final one is Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess of... Friendship? What kind of title was that? Is she some kind of moral authority on matters? That's the princess I was supposed to meet with tomorrow, so she must have some sort of legislative power.

The more I learned about these princesses the more confused I was. They were apparently over one thousand years old, or at least two of them were, there was a forth one who got a small principality all to herself, and they all seemed to get along peacefully with no attempts to steal or horde power. Not even assassination attempts. I wracked my brain trying to come up with a rational explanation for this perplexing system. Ultimately more research would be needed. Maybe this town had a library or something. How would I get a library card though? Hmm.

My ruminations were interrupted with a knocking at the door. Ensuring my robe was affixed properly I stepped to the door and opened it to a pink pony who seemed to buzz with hyper activity. Her eyes widened upon seeing me.

"Ooo. I heard Derpy had gotten a new human, but I didn't think you would be swell dressed! Rarity is going to love you! You're pretty tall for a human though. I think Apple Jack has some humans your height, but she's really cautious about them. She says they can be kinda cranky when they're disturbed, which is a shame because I've always wanted to throw them a gloomy gus party but then she said they wouldn't understand what a party was and that made me really sad, but it does remind me of why I came here! I wanted to invite Derpy to the 'Congratulations On Getting Your Own Human' Party! I wrote her an invitation, but since she's so busy at work, I'd thought I'd just drop it by her house! And then you answered the door so I actually got  to meet you in person before the party! I should hold a 'Meet New Ponies Before The Party' Party! But you're not really a pony, so that couldn't work. I suppose I could make it a 'Meet new Humans Before the Party' Party, but then I would have to..."

The pink pony rambled on and on in front of me. I tuned her out and looked over the invitation. A party sounded interesting. While I wasn't a typical college socialite or frat boy, I did enjoy a get together with some friends. Get some drinks, get buzzed, and have a good time. Something told me that wouldn't be my experience here, though. What would I wear, anyway, it's not like I could go in my little Greek outfit. It to easily snags and could fall off, leaving me bare to the world, and while most humans may not care they can be oogled at any time whatsoever, I do. Besides, what if I ran into that Princess Sparkle while I was there? I still had no clue how to approach her about this. Maybe Derpy could help, she seemed to know what was on the up and up.

"... So I put up my party cannon and let the doctor out of the closet, but I still think Rosco was happy after it all." Oh, the pink pony was still talking? That's surprising. I would have thought she was done by now. Come to think of it, I don't think I heard her pause to even take a breath. That was weird. Maybe she was particularly long winded? I'll let her finish, it would be impolite to shut the door on one of Derpy's friends while she was talking.





Ten Minuets Later





Dear God, it's still going. Pinkie Pie, the name of the pink pony I somehow picked up in the seemingly endless vocabulary waterfall presented, never even stopped for air. At first I was intrigued, then a little frightened, then more curious. How did this little pony function? Did she even have lungs, or did she have some sort of magic radioactive mutation that allowed her to breath air directly through her skin? I was no bio-scientist, but I could appreciate the significance of a distortion of normal biological functions. Perhaps she stores extra air in her mane. It seemed poofy enough.

"...Oh my gosh! I've spent so much time here talking I forgot to deliver the rest of the invitations! I gotta go! Thanks Mr. Williams! You're a really good listener!" And with that she was gone, leaving me standing in the doorway, clutching the invitation. I scratched my head and went back inside the house. Clearly I still had more to learn about these ponies, both politically and personally. Wait... When did I give her my name? Meh, probably heard it from Dinky or something.

It was an hour later that Derpy arrived from work. I handed her the invitation and told her about my run in with Pinkie Pie. She seemed sympathetic, saying if I wanted to be treated like any other pony, I would have run into Pinkie at some point. Derpy described her as... unique. Something my experience was not how deep the rabbit hole went, but that could be investigated some other day. I asked about the party and she explained there was a good chance Princess Sparkle would be there, since A: Pinkie was a close, personal friend of the princess and B: Pinkie was considered by far the premier party pony of Ponyville, so few to none missed the one if the opportunity presented itself.

I considered my options. While going to the party would possibly cause me to run into the princess early, it would also give me, or at least Derpy to request an audience, if Princess Sparkle was a pony who stood on protocol anyway. Also Derpy promised it would be a fun party, so I might as well get a taste of what pony recreation is like. I scoured the home for something I could use to more efficiently secure my toga-robe-sheet. We settled on a series of clothespins and a fashionable crimson sash for my ensemble, which, in my inexperienced opinion, really brought the outfit together.

Before we could go to the party, however, we needed to pick up Dinky, who had gone to some clubhouse with the little fillies from yesterday. We set out into Ponyville towards Sweet Apple Acres, an apple farm owned by the pony Apple Jack I've heard so much about. We passed along the outskirts of town, letting the dirt road guide us. We reached long rows of apple trees soon enough, and turned up onto the property of the Apple Family. At the end of the road sat a humble barn that looked like a few additions were built onto the sides. I could also see a multitude of various crops growing in fields behind the building with a few barns in the background.

It would have looked like any other farm on earth if it weren't for the stark naked humans walking about. It was eerie. I saw plenty of naked humans in Ponyville, but they were more or less just sitting around or walking with their owners. These humans were working hard, sweat glistening off their bodies from long labor in the sun. Many were well built as well. One guy had biceps the size of a cantaloupe! Some were hauling carts, others pulling plows. A few seemed to be taking a break in the shade of a particularly big tree. All these being overseen by an orange pony with golden locks and a Stetson cowboy hat. She saw Derpy and I and immediately came over.

"Well howdy, Derpy!" As soon as she opened her mouth I was reminded of a Texas dude ranch mixed with a southern belle. It was a distinctive accent that could be heard across my homeland. In fact all these ponies seemed to have pleasantly American accents. Surprising, considering I wouldn't have expected extra dimensional beings to even speak the same language. Another mystery for another day though, as the young mare whom I could safely assume was this 'AppleJack' character continued, "So this is your new Human, huh? Well he may not look as strong, but I think Ah can see a good bit of promise in 'im." I raised by eyebrow questioningly. What is this mare on about? "And a bit a' sass. Ah like 'im!" I'm so glad I earned your approval.

"Well we're just here to pick up Dinky and be off to Pinkie's party." Derpy said, looking between me and the apple farmer. AppleJack agreed and lead the way.

"AppleBloom an' them have been up in the clubhouse ever since they got home. Ah'm glad that filly is gettin' more friends than just Sweetie and Scoots." AppleJack said as we walked through the orchard. Derpy nodded in reply and seemed ready to continure the conversation before AppleJack looked back to me. "He looks fairly healthy. Jus found 'im out in the Everfree, right?"

Derpy seemed confused on the sudden change of subject, but answered, "Yes. Dinky says Peter saved her life."

AppleJack nodded, "Don't that just beat all? Some humans just have natural nurturing instincts. They'll know just what a pony needs and help 'em." Her eyes lingered on me for a few moments longer before turning back to Derpy.

"W-well Peter certainly know a lot of things. He is actually very smart." Derpy said. Good, ease her into it. We don't want her to freak pout like Rarity, though looking back that was a very humorous situation.

"Ah'm sure he is. He certainly looks like a thinker. Ah've noticed some humans will actually learn how to use simple tools by themselves. Jus pick up some equipment and go at it! It's the darndest thi-." AppleJack was interrupted by a shreik from ahead of us. Our group booked it down the path to a pink tree house with a ramp leading up to it. At the foot of the ramp was a circle of what appeared to be living piles of branches. They were made up of twigs, leaves, limbs, and other foliage. I think I could see a few flowers in there as well. Inside the circle were the four fillies we were looking for. The orange one, Scootaloo I think, was crying out as a wooden monster seemed to munch on a scooter.

"Timberwolves!" AppleJack exclaimed. Timberwolves? Ohh, because their wolf shaped, and made of trees. That makes sense. But if they were wolves, why didn't they just eat the fillies? Seems un-wolf-like to me... Unless they weren't there to feed. They must want something but what- Oh. AppleJack's jumped in and started to fight them. We should probably do that first.

I searched around for a weapon, seeing as my fists probably wouldn't do much against them. I settled on a tree branch lying nearby and move toward a wolf that  was a little more to the side. No point in getting surrounded. The wolf notices me and takes a pouncing stance. I take my own, channeling my inner high school baseball player. We square off for a moment before the wooden wolf strikes. My ankles pivot, causing me mild pain, but my swing is big and powerful, knocking the wolf apart and snapping my branch in two. I watched with pride as the pieces fell to the ground, then in shock as the scraps of wood began to gather itself back together. Even the fallen half of my branch was not spared, being sucked into the wolf form. The timberwolf fully reforms, eyes glowing green and obviously upset at my apparent defiance. 

Oh yeah, Magic wolves made of trees. That makes sense... Cheater! I nervously stepped away from the wolf, which only causes the beast to move closer. It crouched down, preparing for another leap when a new snarl distracted both of us. From my left peripheral a human charged in, battering the wolf from the side. It looked like one from the field we passed on our way over to the club house. I looked around as more humans joined in the apparent fight, all of them hooting and hollering at the wooden wolves. I glanced over at Derpy to check if she was safe. She was curled up with Dinky in the circle.

I stepped back and looked around. For my efforts I tripped and fell over a shovel. It was half buried in the ground next to a freshly planted sapling. I gripped the sturdy tool and appreciated, for a moment, that I was about to fulfill a fantasy of mine since I was small. With the Apple's humans supporting me, I charged in, swinging the blade of the spade wide, cutting wood and knocking the wolves into bits. I reached the fillies and Derpy and stopped my assault. The humans around me didn't seem to notice though, rushing the timberwolves beyond me. Apparently there had been more of the terrors waiting just beyond the treeline. The humans, armed with only their fists and a few with the tools they had been holding at the time.

I stayed where I was to observe and collect myself. The wolves were being beaten, but some were starting to flank the group. I grabbed some of the passing humans and pointed them in the direction of the flanking wolves. Once I was sure the humans had formed a sort of perimeter I turned back to the ponies. AppleJack had begun looking over her little sister and her friends while Derpy hovered over her daughter. Thankfully no one seemed to be immediately injured. I was suddenly distracted by a sort of gnawing at my foot. I looked down to see a small version of a timberwolf, almost the size of a puppy, assaulting my black dress shoe. My first instinct was to kick it hard in the maw, but a realization stayed my foot. I looked at it, then to the wolves, then to the crusaders, then to the overturned saddlebags the little ankle biter had apparently fallen out of. Damn kids.






AppleJack


After Ah was done showin' them timberwolves how the Apples greet varmints, Ah ran over to AppleBloom while mah humans handled the rest of 'em. Ah could recognize each one of 'em, loyal creatures. Most folks thought humans was jus beasts, like dogs an such. But Ah knew better. I worked with humans all mah life, an I know there's more to 'em than that. Some are jus simple beasts, but others, the real cream o' the crop, they're sumthin special. They can feel. The don't show it a course. But Ah can tell, jus from the look in their eyes, they're different. Thems the ones who always seem to figure things out before the rest of em. An now here they were, provin their loyalty to their master again. Celestia, Ah love them fellas.

Ah noticed out of the corner of mah eye the other human, Derpy's. Think she called em... Peter, Right! Peter, armed with only a shovel, was directin mah humans at some wolves that was trying to get around us. There was somethin off about em, though. If mah humans was special, this fella was was one o few. The way he stood an moved was different from any other human Ah ever seen. Mah humans was just runnin at the wolves, ready to fight, but with no organization. This fella was lookin, watchin, thinkin. Differences aside, as long as he was helpin me an my kin from these here wolves, he could be alien, like mah sister an her friends was talking about fer all Ah cared. Ah looked back ta AppleBloom. She seemed calmer now that all our humans had arrived, an I could finally get a word in.

"Hey. Hey, AppleBloom. What happened, sugar cube?" Ah asked gently. Mah little sister raised her head from mah chest an sniffled.

"Ah'm sorry, sis!" She cried out, "We was tryin' ta get our forester cutie marks when we found this little tiny timberwolf all alone in the woods. We thought we could get our monster raisin' cutie marks if we brought it up on the farm like we do humans."

Ah looked at her, astonished,"What? Aww Bloom, ya know better than that! Timberwolves never leave their pups alone!"

"Ah know! Ah know! We jus thought it was lost, or hurt. We jus wanted ta help."

"Ah understand, sugar cube, but now we've got one heck of a-" Mah sentence was cut off by a sharp whistle. Ah jerked my head ta see Peter taking his fingers from his mouth. In his arm was the timberwolf pup, his shovel abandoned behind him. The wolves growled deeply at him, but didn't charge. He winced as the pup bit him in the hand a few times, but he calmly strode forward nonetheless. Mah humans followed him, both sides moving to an imaginary boundary between em. In the center of the wolves was a big one. Ah could tell by lookin' that this one was the alpha. Peter stood confidently before it before slowly and gently placing the pup on the ground. The timber pup gave one last nip ta the side of Peter's hand an ran over ta the alpha. The alpha timberwolf sniffed the small wooden wolf before lickin' it. The alpha looked up at Peter, huffed, then turned an stalked off. The other wolves followed, the second one picking up the pup by the bark o' the neck. With the wolves gone mah humans turned to our group. Some of the humans were hurt in the scuffle, and would need help, but most seemed ready to get back ta work. Ah would have ta make sure ta put some meat bits in their food tonight. It was a little reward when they did somethin good, an did they ever do somethin good today!

Peter stood where he was until the wolves were out of sight. Derpy and Dinky walked up ta him an asked if he was alright. I had ta admit, Ah was a mite worried mahself. He jus stood there, stiff as a board. As soon as the wolves were out of sight, though, he dropped ta the ground. Dinky ran ta get somethin or another as Ah rushed up ta see what happened, only ta receive the surprise o' mah life. Peter looked fine, but he was a bit pale, and his hands shook so much I figure it could turn a soda bottle to a pop gun. Ah had never seen a human have a panic attack before, but if it was anythin like a pony one, Peter had it bad. He had ta know what he was doin. He knew the whole situation, an no one had ta explain it ta him or nothin. Somethin was definatly different about him, Ah jus couldn't put mah hoof on it. Dinky returned with a paper ad an pencil. Ah figured it was a bad time ta do a report on what happened, but Ah received a second surprise when Peter took the supplies an actually wrote somthin!




That was really stupid. Don't let me do it again. Fuck the party. I'm going to bed.



> Chapter 12
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Derpy Hooves


We left Sweet Apple Acres after Peter was well enough to walk. Apple Jack was thankful for Peter's help and promised to return the favor whenever possible. We waved goodbye as we left the orchards, receiving waves in return from the Apples. Even some of the humans had seen us off, but they didn't wave, just stood there, staring neutrally as always. Peter was tired, but unhurt after the timberwolf attack, so we quickly made our way home where he promptly flopped down on the sofa.

"I'll go to the party tonight, will you be okay here, Peter?" I asked. The only response I got in return was a gentle wave in the air, which quickly flopped back down. It wasn't quite weak, just tired. I turned to my daughter, who had made the trek back in relative silence. I the attack had really scared her, but she continually asserted that she was fine. I decided to let her sleep on it and see how she felt in the morning. "Now Dinky, I need you to stay at home and watch over Peter, alright? I'll try to be home soon, but you know how Pinkie Pie can be. Can you hold down the fort until I get back?"

Dinkie nodded and made her way to the side of the couch with a determined march and sat down. It seemed my little muffin was going to make sure she tried to repay Peter by standing watch. I smiled at her loyalty.

"Okay, muffin. There are leftovers in the fridge in case you get hungry, and I'll make sure to bring some of the party cake home for us to eat together." Dinky's serious visage cracked into an open smile when I mentioned the prospect of cake. She gave a short "wohoo!", supported by a weak fist pump by Peter. I gave a small chuckle as I turned out the door. Kids, young and old.

The walk to Pinkie's was made in the dwindling daylight, with most ponies preparing their evening rituals. My brief walk led me to Sugarcube Corner, where something peculiar seemed to be occurring. That something just happened to be... nothing. Despite Pinkie's assurance there was a party going on tonight, there were none of the typical symptoms of even a Pinkie Pie-orchestrated get-together. No crowds of ponies, no lively music to be heard, and no big, colorful banners. there wasn't even any confetti on the doorstep. The only evidence of any other than ordinary events going on that night was an increase in the number of shadows in the windows of the candy themed building, hinting at more than the usual three ponies and two infants that lived there.

I entered the doorway to a similarly subdued atmosphere. Usually Pinkie went all out every time she celebrated, but the building had the most subdued decorations I had ever seen out of Ponyville's Premier Party Pony. Some streamers and banners had been put up, a few balloons, and a small gramophone softly played a cheery tune in the corner. The only thing that looked like it came from Pinkie was the huge cake sitting on the table,so large and sweet the wood bent a little in the center. Ponies I identified as close friends and co workers were in the room, but none of the big crowds of townsponies that usually occupied such parties. 

Before I could observe more, though, my vision was obscured by a sizable pink mass of hair and bubbly excitement. "Hey Derpy!" Pinkie greeted me in her usual, overexcited fashion. "I was wondering when you'd get here! This whole party is for your human and you! It's so super-duper-fantastic that you got one of your own! They can so helpful and strong and 'HANDY'," she giggled at her own joke, "Even the Cakes had one for a little while, but Mr. Cake got rid of him awhile ago. I don't know why, but Mr. and Mrs. Cake didn't talk to each other for the longest time until I threw them a make-up party." Pinkie looked around me for a moment before returning to ask, "Say, where is your human? Did he  already get inside without me seeing him? *Gasp!* Is he a ninja human?! I'll find him no prob-" 

"-Actually, Peter couldn't make it." I had to interject before Pinkie started thinking more wild things about Peter. This gained the pink pony's attention quickly. "We had an incident at Sweet Apple Acres, and Peter is resting back at home." Pinkie seemed to deflate a little at the news, looking a bit somber.

"Aww. Is he okay?"

"Yes, thankfully. He's just a bit tired, so he's staying home with Dinky tonight." Pinkie smiled softly at my words and trotted with me into the building.

"Well that's too bad. I really aimed this party just for him." She said, causing me to pause for a moment.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"Well, he's not a fan of super huge parties like us, so I tried to make his 'Welcome to Ponyville Party' more on the small side. It was really hard because I kept getting all kinds of great ideas, but I would have needed to invite more ponies and a D.J., and I would have had to find a sousaphone, and those are suuuper hard to come by, but I supposed I could have substituted with a tuba, even if the sound was a teensy bit off-"

"Pinkie!" I had to interrupt the pink pony again, "What do you mean the party was for him? I thought it was celebrating me getting a human."

"Oh, originally it was, but then my Pinkie sense started going crazy to tell me a new pony was in town, but a little off. So I went ALL over Ponyville trying to find the new pony so I could throw them a party, but I couldn't find them, so I had to go back to my original plan for your party. When I went to your house though, I met your human and my Pinkie sense went absolutely bonkers! After I talked at him for a while I realized he was the new pony in town! He nodded and seemed to understand when I was telling him about my tries at parties for other humans, so I decided to combine both of them! At first it was going to be a super big extravaganza, but then my Pinkie sense told me that wasn't any good, and that Peter would want a much smaller get together more like Cranky Donkey. He isn't ready for a real Pinkie Party, he needed to get there slowly. Twilight calls it 'acclimatisation' or something, but I was just excited I would get to throw even more parties to get him up to Ponyville Party snuff!"

I blinked in confusion, waiting for my eyes to realign after the had separated during Pinkie's talking. "S-so... You know? About Peter's... Circumstances?" I asked hesitantly. With a pony as unpredictable as Pinkie Pie, who knows what she would do with the fact that Peter was an alien... other than throw a nice party. 

Pinkie's head tilted to the side, "Which ones are that? I just knew he would enjoy my party! My Pinkie sense is never wrong!" I briefly considered trying to explain what I was talking about, but knowing Pinkie it would only lead to a more confusing conversation. I just patted the pink mare on the shoulder and said I appreciated the party. She smiled and trotted away, promising to make it up to Peter. I could only smile and shake my head at Pinkie's overwhelming optimism. With that conversation done I entered the party fully and began to mingle with my friends.

"Derpy, there you are!" I heard Rarity's voice say from across the room. I gasped as I saw who she was with. Princess Twilight Sparkle had come to the party, sans royal regalia, and was smiling at me cheerfully. A small part of me panicked a little. I still had no Idea on how to approach the topic. What would I say? "Hey princess, I have a super intelligent human from another planet, and he wants to meet you!" That could only end in a number of ways, most of them bad. I slowly inched over to the pair, trying to find a way out of the confrontation, but without the usual bustling ponies of Pinkie's parties, none stood out.

Finally I stood before them, Twilight's smile seeming a little forced after having to wait for my slow trot. I gave a nervous chuckle before speaking, "G-good evening your highness, Rarity. How's is going?"

"Come on, Derpy," the princess said, "I know I've asked you not to call me that." She had. At one of the last town hall meetings she had specifically requested not to be addressed by her by her title outside of formal occasions, but It was hard not to. It wasn't like I could just ignore her wings, they were almost as big as mine! She even looked taller since she took the throne. It felt weird, rude even not to call her by her title. "Still" she continued, "It is good to see you. I don't think I've really seen you much since the Equestria Games tryouts! How have you been?"

"I... uh... I've been good, thanks... Twilight." I mumbled her name, feeling irreverent for dropping the title.

"I was just telling Twilight about my encounter with your new human!" Rarity said, "Such an interesting person!" I suddenly felt my panic return. I hadn't expected Rarity to have blown the lid so quickly, but I suppose Peter must have expressed the want to meet with Princess Twilight as soon as possible.

"Yes" the alicorn inferred, "She said he was a human I'd just have to meet, but she has remained a bit tight lipped about why I'd want to meet with some human, no offense Derpy." She cast a playfully accusing glare at Rarity, who only fluttered her eyebrows in response.

"I told you my dear, he is a distinctly unique human, it would be too unbelievable if I told you everything now!" the unicorn finished, placing a hoof dramatically to her forehead.

Princess Twilight looked at me, "Is this true Derpy? Or is Rarity just trying to pull my leg?" She had on a wry smirk, as if suspecting Rarity and I to be conspiring to fool her. I could only nod my head in confirmation. I had no idea what to say. Fortunately, Rarity seemed to be prepared to take command of the conversation.

"I assure you Twilight, this particular human is just sure to get your attention."

Twilight rolled her eyes, "Oh, fine. I'll make a spot tomorrow afternoon. I was just going to be looking over old obsolete laws anyway. Come by at about three, and I'll see your human, and whatever clothes Rarity has made for him." She was still skeptical of the whole thing, with good reason. It was a lot to swallow, and she didn't even have the whole story!

Rarity put a hoof on twilight's shoulder, "Yes dear, after looking over the samples I had, I determined I would be able to get a  prototype done by tomorrow! I already have the shirt and coat finished, though I am struggling a little with the trousers. Once I manage to get it down, though, I think I could transfer the concept into a pony variant. The possibilities! I could open a new branch fashion! I'm so excited!" Rarity was clearly inspired by Peter's clothing choices, so with a thanks and polite farewell I took my leave to mingle with a few other party goers before heading home to my daughter and friend. After looking around I decided to go talk to Apple Jack, who had just arrived, while my mind idled in wondering if Pinkie had slipped into the kitchen or upstairs for a bit...





Dinky Hooves




Frantic knocking at the door woke me up from my sleep. I groaned and looked up to see I had fallen asleep on top of Mr. Williams. He groaned as well and tried to get up, so I hopped down quickly, hoping he hadn't noticed me. I was supposed to be watching over him, but I fell asleep instead. That was so embarrassing. The knocking seemed to be getting faster, so Mr. Williams and I quickly went to the door. As soon as we opened it I knew something was wrong.

"Ms. Fluttershy! What's wrong!?" I cried. Se was panting a heaving from running, and had sweat matting her fur. She looked at Mr. Williams for a moment before locking eyes on me.

"Dinky! *Huff* Rainbow *Puff* Dash *Cough* Hurt *Gasp* Forest *Wheeze* Manticore *Huff* Help *Huff*" With the last huff Ms. Fluttershy leaned over onto the door frame. At the name 'manticore' I had a brief flashback of Mr. Williams and I's sprint through the forest. I shuddered a bit before Ms. Fluttershy managed to get her breath. "Dinky where's your mother?"

"She's out at a party, it's just me and Mr. Williams here." I gestured to the human next to me. I didn't know what to do. We needed to get help! "Who can we contact!?" I asked. 

"I... I don't know." Fluttershy responded, "Rainbow needs help right now! She was hiding in a tree, but it's only a matter of time before the manticore finds her. Ooh, what to do, what to do!"

I was about to respond before I heard a tired sigh. Mr Williams walked away from the door into the kitchen briefly before returning armed with a frying pan and carving knife. He pointed his arm toward town, in the direction momma left in, then mimed out running. He wanted me to tell somepony! He tied his robe up around his knees before nodding to Ms. Fluttershy before jogging towards the Everfree Forest. I stared out for a moment, mouth gaping. He had JUST earlier fought off a group of Timberwolves, and now he was charging off to fight a manticore! I didn't know if he was crazy or awesome! Still, he would definitely need help.

"Ms. Fluttershy, Would you please go with Mr Williams and make sure he doesn't get hurt? I'll go into town and get more help!" I cried at her.

Ms. Fluttershy nodded, "Oh yes, of course! Thank you so much Dinky! Please get help!" With that she left, running toward the forest at top speed to catch up with Mr. Williams. I turned and started running to town. I was searching for somepony, anypony to help, but it was the evening already, so most ponies were already in their homes. I turned a corner and saw Ms. Pie trotting down the way with a pie on her back. Usually I'd appreciate the Pie carrying pie joke, but I was in a hurry!

"MS. PIE! HELP!" I galloped up to her.

"Ohh, hey Dinky! I was just coming over to your house to deliver this treat for Peter, you know since he was too bushed to come to the-" 

"Not Now Ms Pie! Rainbow Dash is in big trouble!" I was forced to interrupt her.

She gasped, "Oh no! Where is she?!"

"She's been attacked by a manticore! Peter and Ms. Fluttershy already went to help, their in the Everfree Forest!!" I pulled her in the direction I saw Perter run off in.

"Manticore!? Lets go!" Ms. Pie put me on her back and we bolted off toward the forest.






Peter Williams


Well that went to hell faster than I thought. 

The first thing that happened when we came upon the clearing was hear a tremendous roar. 'Fluttershy' immediately jumped into a bush, and I would have joined her had I not shrieked like a totally manly-man and immediately dodged in the opposite direction in avoidance of an over sized scorpion stinger. I tried to use my trusty frying pan to block it, but it was suddenly pierced by the stinger. I'll admit, I was surprised, more so when the cooking utensil was pulled away from me and flung into the forest beyond. The stinger swerves away from me and I look at my foe. The same sort of beast that chased me from the forest the first time stands before me. I always knew lions were deadly, but this is ridiculous! Lion body, scorpion tail, and leathery bat wings for flight, what evolutionary dirt road did this guy drive drunkenly down? I ran strafed the beast, trying to explore my environment while keeping my eyes on my foe. The chimera prepared for an undoubtedly deadly pounce when a sudden rush of blue bounced off the top of it.

"Keep away from my friends, ya over grown kitten!" I looked up to whom I could only assume was 'Rainbow Dash' due to her prismatic hair. She hovered in the air, as I had seen many winged pony do since I got here, for a moment, then suddenly tensed and fell into a bush. "Ow! Stupid wing!"

The manticore was distracted for the moment, so I capitalized on the opportunity and charged with my knife. With a mighty pounce I drove the dagger home...
Only for the damned thing to snap on the taught, leathery hide. The beast turned back at me, lumbering over my suddenly minuscule frame as one thought ran through my head: This is how I'm going to die... Fortunately it would not come to pass as my new ally hurled a stone at the beast's eye. She managed to clock him good, making him sharply swivel around, knocking me back into the brush. I searched frantically for a potential weapon. After agonizing seconds of fumbling in the underbrush, I found myself a sizable stick that looked fresh enough to handle a few blows. I found myself wanting that cooking knife back, I could have used it to sharpen the point. I looked up and surveyed the scene. The monster was skulking up to a hollow log with traces of rainbow hairs spilling out. I planned my movement, crouched and...

SPRINT!

As I bolted across the clearing I gave my stick a mighty swing, smacking the beast on the calf. It roared in pain and swiped at me, only to touch the air I occupied moments before. It prepared to give chase to me, but was struck once more by the cyan pegasus. This pattern repeated itself for a good ten minuets before I began to feel the strain. Every pass started getting slower, with only the threat of a horrifying death pushing me to keep up my strength. We had done no damage to the beast, only pissed it off. We seemed to only be delaying the inevitable, and it seemed hopeless when my stick snapped across the bastard's stinger. Then the pink one showed up. I had just finished a run, letting by back absorb my landing against a tree when her head popped from the brush, Dinky atop her like some Napoleonic commander.

"Heya Peter! We're here to help! And I brought you a treat!" She said loudly. Too loudly. Rainbow conducted her pass, but the manticore was now focused on the bright pink prey that had foolishly entered his war zone. It growled and prepared to pounce upon the us. Pinkie whimpered apologetically and Dinky cried out.

I would make a terrible father. I always panic at the sound of crying or frightened children, regardless of who's they are. I've always been that way, and so when Dinky cried out, I reacted. As the great beast pounced with a mighty war cry I responded with one of my own, grabbing whatever was closest and hurling it at the monstrosity of nature.

Everyone present paused to process the view of the pie that had landed squarely on the manticore's face. The tin slowly slid off of it's maw, splattering upon the ground. Even he seemed to pause in shock at the absurdity of the situation. A long wet tongue pierced the white cream of the pie topping and lapped the sweet substance from it's lips. It then leaned down to apparently eat the rest of it, momentarily forgetting the test of us. Of the five of us, Rainbow dash was the first to recover.

"Let's go!" She cried, with swift acknowledgements. Almost as an after thought I ran over to a shivering bush and retrieved Fluttershy, who said nothing. Despite my exhaustion, I sprinted with the rest of the group to the edge of the forest, though I couldn't shake the sneaking suspicion I was being watched. We all breathed easier, though heavier, once we had cleared the treeline. Rainbow took stock of us.

"Everybody okay?" She asked. I gave a nod, though I don't think she noticed.

"Yupperuni!" Pinkie chirped, "That was super scary! It's a good thing Mr. Williams here was quick on the throw!"

"Mr. Williams!" Dinkie cried out, "You're bleeding!" What? I feel- Oh. My tunic-robe seems to be soaking up blood. That's not good at all. I can't feel any pain or wounds, so either I'm going into shock or... 

I quickly put the pegasus on the ground, earning only a weak 'meep'. I saw it. A gash, not to deep, but enough to bleed. I tried to think of when it could have happened. She wasn't even in the fight except for when we first got there and we had to dodge the manticore's stinger. 

Shit. She's poisoned. It didn't take long before the others came to this conclusion.

"What do we do Dashie!?" Pinkie cried, "She needs help quick!"

"I-I think she has some manticore antidote in her cottage, let's get some there!" The cyan pegasus darted off in the direction I assume we were supposed to go. I responded quickly, using a piece of my clothes to make-shift a bandage up the wounded pony, picking her up, and jogging after the prismatic contrail, Pinkie and Dinky tagging along with. Thankfully it wasn't far off from where we were, but afterwards I felt bore beat than I had in my entire life. It was a quaint little cottage, homey and welcoming like you might see in a Disney movie or something. I wasn't concerned about that, though, as when I entered to the sounds of Rainbow's frantic searching in I guess the kitchen, I gently plopped the yellow pegasus down and walked back outside. Pinkie and Dinkie stayed inside to look after their friend, but I felt sick. 

I was never much of a runner, and I would guess I just ran two miles, fought an unholy hell spawn, then ran another two with fifty extra pounds on my chest. Ponies were surprisingly light. I dry heaved into a shrub for a few minuets before I was disturbed by the snap of a twig. My senses still on hyper alert, I snapped up to see a group of bipedal beings running and hopping back into the brush. My eyes strained to identify them, but they were gone before I could get my focus. What I did see was a wooden bowl of greenish grey goop. I suspiciously took the bowl back inside, where the pandemonium grew.

"I can't find it! Where is it!" Rainbow frantically ran around. She apparently worsened her wing in her sudden sprint.

"I-I don't know!" Pinkie responded, poking into every nook and cranny of the building, "What does it look like?"

Rainbow looked at me as I entered the room. "I-it looks like... THAT!" She zipped across to me, almost making me spill the apparently valued liquid. "Where did you find that!?" Her raspy voice demanded as she took the bowl from my hands like it contained the waters of life. With no writing utensils I was forced to rely on my amazing charade skills. I think I got most of my point across as Rainbow gently spread the gooey substance on Fluttershy's wound. The results were rapid, as the yellow pony seemed to return from the verge of death in seconds. Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Oh- oh my." Fluttershy whispered. "Thank you everyone. I feel much better."

"Oh Fluttershy, thank goodness! We thought you were a goner!" Pinkie exclaimed, hugging her friend gently.

"B-but where did you get the anti venom? I ran out helping some of my deer friends." Fluttershy was pointed towards me.

"It was Peter! He just came in with a bowl of the stuff. Then he did a funny little dance, but who knows what that could mean?" Thanks Pinkie. Just when I thought I was starting to get some communication going.

"The human? Oh, I see. Well, thank you, Peter." Flutttershy's whisper sounded exhausted. I could imagine. I gave the pegasus a gentlemanly bow, causing the pegasus to blush a bit. We said our goodbyes, Rainbow promised to stay the night to watch over Fluttershy, and made our way home. The trek back took what little of my strength remained, and when we got back Pinkie and Dinkie took to explaining to Derpy why I was dirty and covered in blood while I collapsed upon the couch, immediately embracing sleep.

This had better not become a regular thing...
> Chapter 13
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


Some people are morning people. They can get up, dressed, fed, and out the door in thirty minuets without so much as a drop of coffee. I used to be one of these people, one of God's chosen few that could rise against the tyranny of Monday's 'I wanna stay in bed and sleep away the bad' syndrome. After three consecutive threats to my life being battled off in two day's however, all I could think as my mind returned from dreamland was Fuck this day and all it stands for! Still in my half-asleep state, I forgot I was in a new land filled with technicolor equines, horrific monstrosities of nightmares, and, more specifically, that I was on a couch.

I emitted a loud grunt as I landed ungracefully on the floor, battling my toga for dominance. I finally submitted and allowed myself to come into reality. My body ached from the various shenanigans I had found myself in across the past few days. Even as I sat up I felt my spine crick and crack to release their tension. I stretched out and began going through the scenario. I was trapped on an alien world inhabited by creatures mythological in origin and human-like beings with the collective intelligence of squirrel. I have spent the past three days since my arrival being sharply contrasted between something from a slice of life comedy to death-defying combat to protect friendly locals. I cover my face with my palms and questioned not for the first time how on earth my life came to this.

"Oh good, you're up!" A cheery voice my melancholy reflections. I parted my fingers to see my dear friend/landlady/owner, Derpy, standing over me with what I interpreted as a smarmy smirk. "Your interview is in a few hours, but I didn't want to wake you after such a difficult night." Such a nice girl, this pony. I rose onto the couch, sitting properly and reaching for my pen and paper I had left sitting on the side table the night before.




Thank you. My body feels like it was hit by a train.




Derpy winced slightly upon reading my statement, "Well you did go off and exert yourself after the doctor specifically told you to rest up." She gave a supportive smile, none the less. I knew she was right. Last night's antics most certainly didn't do much for my stitches. I sighed and patted her head before sketching down another note.




So what was that about an interview?




"Rarity and the Princess were at the party last night." Derpy repilied, "They mentioned they would be able to see you today for your clothes and a meeting at the castle." I raised an eyebrow at her. Castle? What castle? I leaned back out to look out the window to see a bright, shiny, tree-shaped fortress made of some form of crystal. What!? How could I have missed that? It's a giant fucking tower of crystal jutting out of the ground! I know I may have been distracted the past few days, but really!? How could I miss that!? I rubbed my eyebrows in consternation. You know what? No. I'm not questioning this. I'm tired, I'm sore, and I'm going to take a shower. Sudden appearances of mystical castles on the edge of town could wait until after a shower.

I left Derpy in the living room to clean up in her criminally small for a human/ just right for a pony bathroom. It was somewhat refreshing, feeling the water pour over me, and some of the aches of the past day washed down the drain. Once done I took a good look at myself in the mirror. A touch-up shave and I looked good as new. I gave my goatee a contemplative stroke while I thought about what was coming. An interview with royalty to prove my intelligence and hopefully my right to freedom. I never go the opportunity to ask Derpy about how other intelligent creatures were treated in Equestria, but if what I read in the paper about Griffins and Minotaurs was correct, there seems to be a universal acknowledgement of rights for sentient creatures. Hopefully I would fit into that category, lest I be spirited off to a cattle farm or some such nonsense. Actually I would most likely stay with Derpy, since she seemed to be a good guardian and showed me respect and decency, and Dinky was a nice kid as well. I could see myself living here as a sort of servant to them at least.

I dried and dressed myself before rejoining Derpy in the kitchen, where a cool breakfast awaited. I ate well, though I suppose a little real bacon wouldn't hurt, assuming the pigs here didn't talk as well. Oh well, no helping it now. I finished up as Derpy gave me a rundown of the events at the party last night. Rarity said my new suit would be ready today, which by any standard is insanely quick! She would have had to put all her work on hold and work over night to pull it off. I would definitely have to repay her somehow. After that we had the meeting with the princess. It would be redundant to say I was nervous about that. A meeting with royalty. Definitely something for the memoirs. I suspected the burden of proof would be a hefty weight on my shoulders, so I filled a small bag with an assortment of my belongings. Surely that would be enough to determine my other-worldly origins to even the most skeptical of ponies.

Derpy and I set out for Rarity's at about ten. The atmosphere in town was as bright and cheery as the last few days, but I did notice a few extra looks being thrown my way by some folks. It wasn't everyday a human strutted down the street like he owned the town, at least not around here. We reached the still aptly named Carousel Boutique and rapped on the door. Rarity answered in her sing song voice and escorted us in. The shop was similar to what it was before, but now I could see a crudely human-shaped mannequin sitting off to the side, surrounded by fabrics and thread. The white unicorn sat us in the parlor she and I had spoken in the other day while she went off to retrieve the clothes.

"Now I know you had some specifics on how the ensemble was supposed to look," She said as she re-entered the room with the fresh clothes hovering behind her, which caused me to briefly double take. This whole "magic" thing would take some getting used to. "but I decided to take a few... creative liberties with the designs." For a moment I grimaced, suddenly envisioning myself in something resembling a Beatles outfit or the uniform of some South American dictator. When I actually got a look at the jacket, though, my fears were for naught. It was still very dignified, but with a few extra details. A few seams were outlined in gold filigree and the buttons were made of some brilliant, but not gaudy, gems. I was impressed by the workmanship and quality of fabric used as well. Overall it was the best made suit I'd ever owned, granted I had never really owned that many suits, but still, Something like this would probably cost something around one thousand dollars back home. I expressed my gratitude as well as my current state would allow before putting on the garments.

Oh. Sweet. Jesus. It felt good to have pants on again. No offense to the Greeks and Romans, but how they ever thought pants were barbaric is beyond me. I dressed myself in the privacy of Rarity's bathroom, which was filled with more hair care products than a Walmart, and stepped out to the world as a new man. I even put a little bit of swagger to my step as I presented myself to my audience, causing them to giggle a bit.

"Well, I trust you're satisfied with your new attire?" Rarity asked as I looked myself over in the mirror. I gave her a nod before reaching for my notepad.




Miss. Rarity, I am very satisfied with your services.
I will definitely request your skills next time.




"N-next time? Oh dear, I hope you're not expecting to go through that set too fast!" The unicorn replied, "It is some fine work, I would hate to see it sullied." I smiled and wrote another note.




Nonsense! I will take great care of the clothes, it's just that I'll need a more informal set in the future, 
probably several so I can have fresh clothes each day, if possible.




"Oh... O-of course! You did mention something about your people always being clothed." Rarity smiled pleasantly as she spoke, "I suppose a set of proper working attire would be necessary then. I'll need to use some of that rough material they use in overalls. Crude, but effective." She drifted off briefly, mumbling to herself, before snapping back. "Don't worry, dear, it should all be ready by the end of the week!" What? That just wouldn't do.




Please, take your time. I still need to figure out how to pay you for this ensemble.




"Pardon?" She replied, modestly covering her... barrel? Chest? Whatever. She covered her front torso with her hoof. "My dear Peter, Derpy has already offered to cover the costs and from the new waves of inspiration you have given me for my spring fashion line inclines me to give you a discount over that!" Derpy, who had been sitting quietly, apparently been lost in thought, as Rarity and I conversed, perked up at her name being mentioned. 

"Huh- what?"

"It appears Peter insists on giving me extra payment for my service, despite your offer to cover the charge." Rarity explained as I wrote out another note, laying it out for both mares to read.




We agreed to a new shirt and some patch jobs. You've not only fixed, but improved the designs! 
You have exceeded the requirements and I would be remiss if I did not pay the deficit from the worth of the service.




"Really, dear," Rarity insisted, "While your sentiment is admirably noble, I just couldn't ask for more. Consider the extras a gift to welcome you to our fair land! We can work out some sort of payment plan for your other clothes later. If you help me I may even give you a discount if you help. I've been looking to get into a more rustic-style ever since Trenderhoof pased through a few months back, but Applejack has been just loathe to come in to model or advise. She is convinced I'm going to put her in a... what did she call it? A 'frufru lacy dress'." Derpy and I raised our eyebrows at the unicorn. "The fact I have a summer gown she would look just divine in is besides the point."

I spared a hoarse chuckle at the display before nodding to Derpy. The pegasus paid the seamstress as I looked at myself a bit more in the mirror... I'm vain, I'll admit it. And dead sexy, at least by human standards. I don't know, nor do I wish to know, how I stack up in pony culture. I neatly folded my toga back into a sheet and stuffed it in my bag. I also fished out my fedora and checked how it looked with the suit. 

Yes. This would do.

Rarity explained that she was actually heading to the castle to join the princess to tea after my meeting with her, so she joined us as we left the boutique and headed into town. Now the looks were more clear, but with my fresh clothes on I felt like all the stares and gawking in the world just slid right off me. I did quicken my step for poor Derpy, though. She was clearly uncomfortable under all the sudden scrutiny, and she was all to happy to make our trek as fast as possible. It appeared my reputation had begun to precede me as ponies crowding the various market stalls and pathways would clear apart as "That Human Dressed in Black" passed by. Before long we were standing before the great crystalline tree castle. Even up close I had no way to understand just what the hell this thing was. I only use the term castle due to the ponies calling it such. It certainly wasn't like any castle I'd ever scene. It looked more like a hollow crystal tree than any fortress. Somewhere in the back of my mind I struggled to understand just how on earth I had missed it for the past three days. 

The impetuous looks of the gold-plated guards in the front of the crystal castle... tree... structure broke me from my stupor. Rarity waved us in, but they clearly remembered me and were none too happy about my being anywhere close to their princess. I did my best to not be offended, after my incident with that 'Chuckie' character I suppose I may have looked like the town pit bull. Excellent defender and protector, but not something you'd want near your children. Hopefully this could all get settled today. Derpy and I were led down a hallway by Rarity before she knocked on a large, wide door at the end of the hall.

"Twilight, darling, it's me, and I've brought Derpy and her spectacular human." Really? Spectacular? I get I'm an oddity, but at that point it's just flattery.

"Just a second!" A voice called from the other side. It was a pleasant voice, and such a familiar one, as if I had heard it all through my childhood. Any reminicing was interrupted as one of the doors was pulled open in a magenta glow.





Twilight Sparkle


It was thirty before noon when Rarity knocked on my door. I had spent the morning working some older land ownership and property laws with Applejack. Her family was taking a break from applebucking while Applebloom recovered from what was apparently a terrible timberwolf attack. Usually they never leave the Everfree Forest, but they had been drawn out by the filly and her friends apparently kidnapping one of their pups. Applejack had ranted a good thirty minuets last night at the party about the incident, praising the actions of Derpy's pet human, Peter Williams. Intrigued, I looked into it some more when I got back to the castle and found all sorts of reports on the human. He had fought off an over aggressive human by using tools, was never seen without some form of covering over his body, and received top marks from the veterinarian, receiving the comment "more than he seems in many different ways". It would sound like some sort of ridiculous prank if it wasn't for all the outside sources seeming to support the claim.

Last night I was interested, now it was all I could do to focus on the task at hand, especially after Rainbow came in to tell me about the events last night with Fluttershy. A manticore attack! While Ponyville was no stranger to sudden bursts of adventure, it was improbable, if not impossible this human was involved in all of them. I tried to piece together this puzzling creature. Perhaps he was some sort of prized fighting human who was bought by a noble, but then got loose. From his description, however, he didn't sound particularly strong or agile for a human, nor would it explain how his clothes were such high quality. A noble might have the time and money to train a human to be a protector and dress him, but most would just be satisfied dressing their human in simple cloth not a whole three piece suit! I sighed in exasperation and tried to focus on the land bill that sat before me.

"Are you alright, Twilight?" Applejack asked from across the table in the center of the council chamber. Most ponies wanted to call it the throne room, but most throne rooms had one or two thrones, while ours had seven, so we decided on a different name. It didn't feel very... regal for a throne room, despite the opulent decorations.

"I'm just a little tired. I was up late last night researching that human you told me about." I replied.

"Oh, Peter? He was a bit queer compared to most humans. It was like he stood taller than any of my other humans, and Ol' Bo is about two heads higher than him!"

I considered what she said briefly before Rarity knocked. I opened the door and let her in, followed by Derpy and the human in question. He was dressed in the infamous suit, but it clearly held elements of Rarity's designs. As he entered he removed his hat and deeply bowed. Depry, upon seeing this, gave a small, unsure bow herself before rising back up. I wasn't really sure of what to do, not expecting a human of all things to bow. Fortunately Rarity fulled in the gap.

"Good afternoon, Twilight! I wanted to ask you to lunch after your meeting with Peter here." She said elegantly while gesturing to the human.

I sighed, "I suppose I should. I couldn't focus on my work anyway." 

Applejack had a much more positive reaction, "Howdy, ya'll! Good ta see ya!" She hopped down from her throne and crossed over to Derpy and the human. She shook Derpy's hoof, then the human's hand. Much to my surprise, the human took it! It must have had an incredible trainer to behave so well. "Ah suppose you're here ta show off what ya got?" I expected Derpy to nod, but again the human shocked me again when he not only nodded as it having just been addressed, but smiled wide! I had to double check, but sure enough he was grinning like a fool in broad daylight. Humans can't do that. I know Humans can't do that, but here he is, just smiling away! Before I had the opportunity to speak the human crossed over to me, towering over my body, and reached into his jacket. He withdrew a notepad and pen before writing actual words before my very eyes!




 Good Afternoon, your Highness. My name is Peter Williams. I am not from around here and  am in need of your assistance.




I stared at the note. Then the smiling human. The the note again. Then to the ponies around me. There had to be some logical explanation. Some reason for this impossible event to be happening here and now.My eyes crossed Applejack, Derpy, and then... Pinkie Pie? When did she get here? She must have come in when I was distracted by Peter. Wait... Of course! It makes sense now!

"Ha ha, very funny Pinkie Pie. Nice prank." Of course it was a prank, some joke or gag at my expense. If a human was as intelligent as they claimed the implications were just to extreme to think of. No, it could only be one of Pinkie's elaborate pranks. "I must say, though, this is a new level of complexity for you. I can't imagine the number of favors you would have had to call on to pull this one off. I like how expressive you made his face." With a small yelp the human jumped, spinning on Pinkie, apparently just as surprised at her sudden appearance as I was. To my dismay, Pinkie just screwed up her face and looked between the two of us.

"Sorry Twilight, This one isn't mine." The pink mare jumped onto his sholders, prompting the human to frantically try to remove her. "He's the Gin-U-in article." The human finally put her on the ground before scribbling onto his notepad once more.




I understand you are a wom mare of science. I was hoping you could help me. I am not from this world.




I had to re-read the note several times before the true meaning began to set in. "Y-you're an... extraterrestrial?" I almost whispered.




I think Extra-Demensional would be a more accurate term. My people have no way of traveling any farther than our own moon,
much less leave the solar system. I suspect my home is not on this plane of existence. 




My mind figuratively exploded. First was fear, only matched by curiosity, followed by shock, then a jumble of emotions and thoughts indecipherable by even the most skilled cryptographer. After searching in vain for half a minuet for a coherent thought, I finally said something, "You've been to the moon!?" Clearly not the reaction he was expecting, the human hesitantly scribbled a response.




Not personally, no, but my people have made a few trips and populated our planet's orbit with various satellites. 
Last I was there we were planning to try to send a person to Mars, our closest neighbor.




I sputtered, having no response. Space exploration! Slim few have ever gotten any knowledge of the world beyond what was observable with a telescope, and this... human comes in and says his people, other humans have already been there, exploring and discovering things!  Finally, I spoke once more, "I-I assume you have some sort of proof other than the ability to write?" I know it was petty, but I just... I needed something. Something real. The human just smiled again and reached into his bag. He withdrew some paper and coins and presented them to me before writing again.




This is some monetary denominations from my homeland. 
They have depictions of my people's leaders and important people.




While I examined the money he reached back in to his bag. They certainly looked authentic, with very specific symbols and phrases. Next he presented a small book.




This is a copy of the New Testament and books of Psalms and Proverbs from the King James version of the Holy Bible.
It is a religious text for one of the primary religions of my world. 




I scrutinized the book, reading through several passages. Some seemed uplifting, others depressing, and some more insulting, but all were words that no pony had seen in all of Equiss. Finally he produced a small, black object encased in plastic. It had a flat, glass surface on one side. The human held down a button on one side and the glass surface lit up! He swiped his thumb across the surface and a click sounded. The device revealed a  cluttered screen of symbols on top of a background of... more humans, all clustered around a central one, all wearing what seemed to be graduate's robes. Each gripped a rolled up paper, most likely diplomas, and off to the side, on the peripheral of the group, was him. Peter Williams, robed and holding a up a sign with his hands, stood as a graduate with his peers. Before I could get a better look at it, the device was swiped away from me. The human, no, Peter looked queerly at the screen, tilting his head ever so much in confusion. He fiddled with the phone for a bit, proving competency with it before putting it back down. He shook his head and began scribbling on the note book.




This is my smartphone. It is a device that allows instantaneous communication
with people all over my world, so long as they have a similar device. It can also connect to the 
internet when there is a signal it can attach to and access virtually all of humanity's knowledge.




He leaned back in Rainbow Dash's throne as I thought over all the evidence. These products were convincing. The money might be able to be forged and the book, while certainly nothing I was familiar with, might have been written by some crazy pony up in the mountains while being exposed ti hallucinogenic gasses, but the smart phone. There was nothing that could match that. Nowhere on Equiss  was a place that could produce such a device, from the most advanced facility of Canterlot to the farthest reaches of Minos.  I had few options to believe, but one thing was sure.

"Spike!" I called out.

"Yeah, Twilight?" My best assistant came in, pausing only upon seeing the well dressed human sitting across from me, now srtoking Pinkie Pie's mane, who had jumped in his lap.

"I need you to take a letter."
> Chapter 14
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


I stared at the little purple lizard man-child. He stared back. I think we both were having some trouble believing quite what we were seeing. For me I was seeing another supposedly mythological beast up and walking around like it had a right to exist in a rational capacity, and him seeing an animal usually associated with menial tasks, possible perversion, and 'oh god I hope it doesn't shit on the rug' wearing a three piece suit and writing like it had a fully functional brain. Really  I think I had the better reason to be shocked, but we still stared at each other. Princess Sparkle, Rarity and Derpy stared at the two of us. This went on past the 'I'm genuinely surprised' time frame for a pause and went into 'We should probably move to prove we aren't brain dead' pause before the princess cleared her throat.

"Spike, the letter?" She pressed. The lizard creature snapped out of his trance and quickly produced a quill pen and sheet of paper.

"Go ahead, Twilight." He said. I got a good look into his mouth, confirming a row of weathered down points for carnivorous diets. Winged unicorn took a moment to gather her thoughts, looking over my notes and stuff.

Twilight cleared her throat before dictating, "Dear Princess Celestia, I have found a most unusual creature in Ponyville today, or, more accurately, it found me. His name is Peter Williams and he is a human whom appears to be from another world. He is actually fully sapient, as all humans from his world apparently are, and is stranded on ours by an unknown means. He has proven this by writing out explanations for several artifacts from his world. Not being familiar with the intricacies of dimensional magic myself, I am writing to you, hoping you may be able to advise me on this. Your Faithful... No, wait" Her face broke into a soft smile a bit, "Your Fellow Princess, Twilight Sparkle."

The small purple lizard finished with a few large, dramatic swipes of his pen, "Aaaaaaaaand done!" He exclaimed. He the proceeded to roll up the letter, tie it off with a ribbon I assume he procured from the same invisible space he had retrieved the pen from, and then blew fucking fire and incinerated it! Wait, what!? I immediately retreated from the beast, giving a small bark of shock and knocking the pink pony from my lap in the process. I promptly hid my body behind the chair-throne I had been sitting in, peaking around it. My reaction apparently surprised my hosts, as they all looked at me as if I had declared my head was on backwards. A brief silence fell over the room again before Princess Sparkle realized what had caused my jump.

"Oh, Peter, don't worry about Spike! That was just his magic fire breath ability! It sends letters too and from Princess Celestia instantly, but it can't hurt a person! At least, not if he didn't want it to, anyways!" She said, placing herself between the lizard-boy and myself. I tentatively reached for my pen and paper.




That doesn't quite comfort me as much as you might hope.
Might want to consider changing the name of that power to one that doesn't make me think of large swaths of burning village.




Twilight chuckled suspiciously and looked away, as if remembering an uncomfortable event. A brief look confirmed all the other ponies were likewise averting their gazes. "Well, that doesn't matter!" the princess quickly diverted, "Let me properly introduce you."She gave my arm a magical tug, surprising me enough to pull me from behind my cover. The young lizard was in turn pushed towards me as she spoke, "Spike, this is Peter Williams, an intelligent human from another dimension, Peter, this is the youngling dragon Spike, my number one assistant." The added emphasis on the youngling part implied there was an underlying conversation I would not be privy to, but what really grabbed my attention was the fact she had called him a dragon.

I examined the creature further. He was certainly reptilian, the scaly exterior and emerald-hued vertical slit eyes. He had a pair of green fin-like protrusions on his face that matched the spines flowing down his back. He had claws and talons, which strangely gave him a set of opposable thumbs. Even if the idea of a bi-pedal dragon had never crossed my mind before, but the little guy did fit the bill, except for one thing.




Do Equestrian dragons have wings?




The question paused the princess for a moment before answering, "Well, yes, most dragons do have wings, but Spike is a rare Grounded Drake." I had never heard of that, but what the hell, new land, new creatures, new rules, "I hatched him when I was just a filly as a test to join Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns-"

"And I've been her number one assistant ever since!" The little 'dragon' proudly said. I paused in thought for a moment before scribbling out another note.




Wait, so your test to get into this school was to hatch a fire breathing dragon!?




"Well, yes." the princess replied. Huh, tough entrance exam. Before our conversation could continue I was surprised by a bright gout of green flames accompanied by a loud belch from my newest acquaintance. The flames quickly died down, leaving a rolled up paper in it's wake. "Oh! The Princess has already responded to me!" The paper was enveloped in a magenta field of energy and drawn towards Princess Sparkle, who read it quickly. When she finished her eyes rolled, “Of course! Discord! I should have guessed.” She grumbled.

“But Discy is all nicy-wicy now, Twilight!” Pinkie said, emerging from the underside of the table.

“Maybe, but he could be trying some prank or something.” Princess Sparkle was working hard in her mind before I interrupted her by shoving a note in her face.




Who is this Discord?




Twilight began, ”Discord is-”

“-only the super most fun prankster ever!” Pinkie popped up again, this time from behind the seat Applejack had been sitting in, listening to everything silently. “He always joins us when me and Dashie go out to have fun! He’s also Fluttershy’s best friend and might have once tried to bring everlasting chaos to Equestria.” My eyebrow quirked up at her ending, causing the ponies (and dragon) to flinch slightly at my ability to express my dignified confusion.

“Discord is the recently-reformed spirit of chaos and disharmony. He has immense chaotic magic that has crazy effects. He’s probably responsible for you being here.” the princess explained.

I nodded, though I wasn’t sure on how to interpret that. A spirit of disharmony? Was he supposed to be some sort of ghost? And just what does ‘reformed’ mean? there were so many questions and so few answers popping up, but before anything could be written a certain purple ‘dragon’ made a loud burp, followed by a belch of green flames. Just as the letter had disappeared before, another seemed to spawn from the ashes. A magenta haze formed around it and was drawn towards Princess Sparkle.

Ah! The princess has already responded!” She said, clearing her throat, 



My faithful fellow Princess, Twilight, it is good to hear from you. As it happens I have found myself in a similar situation. Since we are agreed Discord may have some hand in this, I will come to ponyville soon so we may confront him on this together. I urge you to gather your friends quickly, but be careful. We do not know what game Discord is playing.



Princess Sparkle looked up from the letter, taking only a moment before springing into action. “Princess Celestia is coming here!” she shouted in a gasp, “We need to move quickly. I’ll go find Rainbow Dash, she’ll probably be looking over Fluttershy. Spike, I need you to fix up the library before she gets here.” The young Drake gave a firm nod and salute before darting off, presumably to clean. “Rarity, could you set up some tea for when the Princess gets here?”

Rarity flipped her hair before replying, “Of course, darling.” With that she too trotted out. 

Applejack spoke up, “I can fix up some quick apple treats for when she gets here.”

“Great, you do that Applejack.” the princess seemed to be on a roll. I was somewhat impressed. If I had just received a notice some royalty or my mentor were coming to visit, I would have torn down half my house trying to get ready. It either spoke volumes for her coolness under pressure, or her experience in this sort of situation. While the ponies ran about Derpy and I were left standing idle. As a modern man, honed through two decades of education and experience, with a world of limitless possibility, I did what my entire life trained me for, and began playing on my phone.

I was less interested in it’s contents and more with the fact the damned thing was still working. It was relatively new and could hold a charge for about thirty four hours with no activity. I turned it off three days ago with only twelve percent battery left, and now not only was it still working, but the charge had jumped up to forty three! Even now the corner held a little battery icon with a lightning  bolt through it. It was a strange find to say the least, as if the atmosphere itself had a charge to it, though that may explain some of the various facets of life around here, like refrigerators. Just another question to pose when the opportunity strikes.

I put the phone down and stood up to stretch my legs. The princess had left Derpy and I alone as they went on to prepare for the arrival of whom I was beginning to assume was no mere royal daughter or typical ruler. Walking over to the mailmare I wrote a question.




So, before I make an ass of myself, who exactly is Princess Celestia. What do I need to expect?




“Well,” she said after reading, “She’s the ruler of Equestria. She rules alongside her sister, Princess Luna,  and they raise and lower the sun and moon respectively.” She would have gone on if I didn’t give her a face that conveyed a sentiment of ‘Back the hell up’




What do you mean, raise the sun and the moon? 




“Well, Princess Celestia raises the sun every morning, and Princess Luna raises the moon. Princess Celestia used to do both all by herself, but then Princess Luna came back after one thousand years of banishment from when she turned into Nightmare Moon” That did… not answer my question… in fact it just raised more…




What is the sun?




“What?” Now it was her turn to be confused.




On my world the sun is a great ball of various gases held together and compressed by gravity. These gases are compressed to the point they ignite and burn, emitting enough heat and light to allow life on my planet. The ‘rising’ and ‘falling’ of the sun is the result of the rotation of the planet on it’s axis. Do you know if it works the same here? 




“Umm… Well… I don’t know… I’m not a very sciency pony, I just deliver the mail. You could probably ask Princess Sparkle, though! She the smartest pony in Ponyville!” Hmm… Benched until a later time then. pressing on.




So what is Princess Celestia like?




“Oh, well she’s very nice, at least whenever I’ve seen her, and she cares for all her ponies. She was Princess Sparkle’s teacher, so she would be able to tell you more…” The pony’s voice reduced in volume as she spoke, “I’m sorry, I’m not being very helpful, am I?” I reached out and gave her a small hug before writing again.




Derpy, just being here is enough. I’m glad you’re here with me for this.




She smiled softly after she read, and we hugged again before I stood at full height to stretch my limbs. I decided to fill my time by looking over some of the documents the princess had left out. Property laws apparently. Old ones if the current date and the ones on this are anything to go by. It looked like some standard medieval level laws, lands owned by an elite class via land grants from the crown, while it was worked by a peasant class with certain rights and privileges. Outdated if the modern culture of Equestria is anything to go by.

I could see the beginnings of the documents being organized by periods of use, so, with little else to do, I began sorting them into piles. One stack for every two hundred years or so. There was a clear progression of dispersal of lands throughout the ages, as land grands got smaller and broken up as noble lines ended. The most recent law in the pile had a recognition of land rights for the common pony. The crown had little to do with land transactions other than for accounting and legal purposes. Interesting.

Most interesting was that all the laws were signed by one Princess Celestia. I briefly considered the name as a whole being a title for the ruler, until Derpy’s statement earlier floated through my mind.

”Princess Celestia used to do both all by herself, but then Princess Luna came back after one thousand years of banishment from when she turned into Nightmare Moon”

one thousand years

one thousand years

Hesitantly I wrote another note:




How old is Princess Celestia?




Derpy skewed her face in thought before answering, “Well, she and Princess Luna did defeat Discord and King Sombra during their first reigns.. so they’d have to be over one thousand, but I don’t think there are any books about that far back. The only thing we have would be the Hearth’s Warming Eve play, from when Equestria was first formed.”

My mind raced with possibilities. An elaborate ruse by a long line of rulers? No, not for one thousand-plus years. Some conspiracy from within the nobility? Again, no, there is a clear progression of anti-nobility sentiment from the monarch in these laws. Heavy alteration of historical texts and tight lock down on anti-state information? Nah, Equestria doesn’t strike me as authoritarian enough for that… So how?

Magic.

Fucking Magic.

This is going to fuck with my head until I get a straight answer, but at least the lady- er… mare...  herself will be coming to meet with us. If there was ever a more opportune time. My mind cooled down with the possibility of actual answers soon and I finally relaxed, just in time for the bustle to return to the room.

I must have been looking over those laws longer than I thought, because the various ponies had finished their respective tasks and filed into the room. Applejack had a sizeable mound of small treats while Rarity filed in followed by several bundles of floating silverware and a medium sized teapot. Pinkie had… appeared… in the room with a reasonably sized cake and the princess flew in through a window with Rainbow Dash. She seemed very appreciative of the work I had done with her paperwork

Once the group was seated, myself having to move to Fluttershy’s empty chair, Princess Twilight gave the synopsis of what was happening. I had come from another dimension, was fully sapient, and Princess Celestia was coming to offer her knowledge and aid to the situation. Tea was served with either slices of cakes or apple fritters. The only one surprised was Rainbow Dash, but that was because she was the only one not here during our little Q&A earlier. 

“Woah! Seriously!?” She exclaimed at the news, “Another universe!? That’s crazy!” I gave a gentle smile and a nod, it was quite the tale, but none the less true. “I thought there was something up with you, but I never would have guessed you were smart as a pony!’ I decided to ignore that and move on. 

“So Peter, is there anything you want to know before the princess gets here?” Twilight asked. Well shit, let me go over the laundry list of things I’d like to know about the mare that is about to determine my fate in this world. Let’s start simple.




Is there any special greeting or movement I should do when she arrives?


 

“Well, most ponies just bow for a greeting, like what you did when you came in. Just do that and you should be fine.” Ah, good to know. Standard formalities it is then. Still, I need more before this meeting really kicks off. How old was she really? Was she some sort of immortal? What’s with this ‘controlling the sun’ business? So many questions, and probably fewer answers. As I began writing my next line of inquiry, one of the guards from outside rushed in.

“Princess Sparkle! Princess Celestia has arrived with guests.”

… Damn it.

I hastily straightened myself, trying to flatten any wrinkles in my suit before meeting what could have been the most powerful figure on the planet. A brief hum of magic and a flash later I found Rarity had the kindness to handle it for me. This mare is a life saver. I stood straight at attention as my eyes laid bare to the undisputed ruler of the whole country for, apparently, one thousand years. The first thing I noticed was she was tall. Like, really tall. At least two ponies in height, hoof to shoulder, or should she be measured in hands… hooves? The point is she towered over the other ponies, and her fellow princess, who promptly ran up and gave her leg a nuzzle.

“Princess Celestia!” The smaller princess cried in jubilation, “It’s so good to see you! We have a lot to discuss.” The almost obscenely pristine white princess gave her a short nuzzle in return as the purple one continued, “This is the human I told you about, Peter Williams!”

At my name I stepped forward and gave a deep, gentlemanly bow to the princess. I took a peek at her response, which was less surprised or shocked, as I had come accustom to in my short time demonstrating my intelligence, and more analytical. Like she was sizing me up. Well… She’s serious at least. She nodded, before turning left to… A human I hadn’t even seen come in, with such focus on making a good impression. I could tell before anything was said I could tell he was different than his troglodyte brethren. First was he actually had clothes, granted they were just some simple tatters, T-shirt and denim jeans, but honest to god human clothes. The fellow was roughly six feet tall, maybe a bit shorter, with dark black hair on top. He was sitting in a chair to the side, observing with curiosity.

“He is most interesting, Twilight. I have brought my own subject of inquiry; this is Richard, a human of similar origin as your Peter, I suspect.” She said, extending a wing gracefully toward the man, who nodded in response. The conversation that ensued was about the same as all the previous ones today, enlightening, but questionable. Celestia clearly showed her calm, rational nature and regal bearing, but I wasn’t quite convinced of the legend surrounding her. I would have loved to pick her mind and make sense of this ‘thousand year old mover of the celestial bodies’ thing… heh, celestial, Celestia. I wonder if she picked that herself… I would have loved to begin my own line of questioning, but I resolved the topic at hand… hoof… no, fuck it, hand, was of more importance that her dubious reputation. They repeatedly brought up that Discord was the source of all current woes, despite his current ‘reformation’. He had apparently been playing pranks of some noble houses, harmless in nature, but with political consequences that Princess Sparkle didn’t entirely seem to follow, and Pinkie didn’t care about as she tried to defend him. Finally the time came to summon the creature in question, an act they could apparently do at will... sort of.

Through clues in their conversation I knew ‘Discord’ wasn’t a pony, mentioning talons and bat wings and paws, but I was unprepared for just what it… he was. he was about one third taller than Celestia, bipedal, and some amalgamation of creatures the likes of which I’d never seen. He must have had a piece from every major four legged animal on Earth… or Equis… whatever. He was an unholy abomination against nature, and by the disturbingly off-putting smile he had, he fucking knew it. 

As soon as he arrived, everyone in the room, minus Pinkie, tensed up. He evaluated the room, his gaze lingering on myself and Richard for a second longer than the rest of them. 

Finally, he spoke, “I was wondering when you would try to blame this on me, princess.” While his voice didn’t contain any perceivable malice, he was clearly annoyed.

“You’ve had your fun Discord, now send them back.” Princess Celestia demanded, giving an authoritative step forward.

The creature gave us a cursory glance before returning to filing his nails on the chair he had sat in at some point in the time I was looking directly at him. I shook my head in confusion before just giving up on magic logic for the time being. Princess Sparkle had mentioned he had strange powers, so whatever. “Oh, I can’t. Didn’t summon them.” He simply replied. This was not well received by the Princesses.

“What do you mean you ‘didn’t summon them’?” Princess Sparkle exclaimed.

“Exactly what I said, my dear.” Discord replied in a voice smooth enough to slide him over to her side, “Twas not I that brought these two unique individuals to our fair land, though I won’t say it wasn’t a good thing. Poor Fluttershy would have been in real trouble if it wasn’t for our intelligent friend here…” I felt a claw wrap around my shoulder, which I found was connected to the creature’s arm, which was now stretched what I felt was entirely too far. That problem was rectified and a new one created when the… spirit’s… body pulled itself next to me, getting well into my personal space, “Thanks for that by the way. Wouldn’t know what I’d do if Fluttershy ever got hurt.”

I gave the horse… lizard… goat… thing… a gentle nod before trying to slip from its grasp.

“But if you didn’t bring them here, what did?” Rarity asked, stepping into the conversation.

“Hmm… That is the question…” Suddenly both Richard and I were being circled by golden eyes with red irises. I did my best not to appear perturbed.”I can sense a magic signature around them… latent, but thats probably because they’ve been here so long… It’s familiar, but old… Hmm…” The snarky attitude he had been portraying simmered down, replaced with genuine curiosity. A silence pervaded that lasted much too long for any form of comfort before Discord jerked away, sucking his eyes back into his head, “Ohhhh… This is worth looking into!” With that he vanished, leaving behind a tall glass of what appeared to be chocolate milk.

Well. That was mildly traumatizing. The ponies looked on with an array of emotions, from inquisitive, to frustrated, to disappointed. Rainbow Dash was the first to speak, “Sooo, what now?”

She received a sigh in response, “If Discord isn’t the one who brought them here it must have been something else.” Princess Celestia turned to her former student, “Twilight, everypon- one.” She cast a glance at Richard and I as she spoke, “It looks like this will take longer than I hoped. Our guests will be staying for a while while I try to sort this out.” She gave a soft smile . I gave this a small amount of time to process. I was going to be stuck in the land of pastel ponies and troglodytes for an indefinite amount of time. Possibly forever.

Huh. I’m not as upset by that as I thought I would be. I mean, sure, can’t see my family again, but this is a whole new world, with new histories and discoveries to be made. And magic! How does it affect this world as opposed to mine? How close is pony culture to human? And the other races! How do they work? Are there monarchies? Republics? Democracies? So much to learn, know, and think! I really wanted to learn about the philosophies of this world, and now I would get the chance. I showed a small smile, allowing my content to radiate.

“So what will happen to Peter?” Derpy’s voice sounded. I turned to see the pegasus emerge from the crowd, tentatively approaching her ruler. Still thinking of me. God bless this mare.

“Richard will return to Canterlot with me, but I’m not sure about Mr. Williams here…” the white princess went into thought. I had been silent for this whole conversation, and now that my fate in this land was being called into question, I decided to intervene. I took up my pad and pen.




I would like to remain here, in Ponyville, if it’s all the same. Derpy has been a most gracious host, and is a good friend. I also owe her and Rarity, so if possible I’d like to find a local form of employment.




I handed my note to the princess to read, to which she chuckled, “Truly? Mr. Williams, I’m not sure what I will do with you. Employment? I suppose a… person… of your intelligence would be of use in this town, but what skills do you have?”




I have a degree in political science from an accredited institution, and a few years of interning experience for various political figures under my belt. I have read most major philosophers of my time, and do practice my own writings from time to time. Anything in these fields would be best, but so long as I have a paycheck to support myself I can last.




She reads it over before looking around the room in thought. “That’s quite the resume, Mr. Williams. Why did you throw yourself so fervently toward this path?” I cracked a smile. Most people who asked me that just assumed I wanted all that political money. They were wrong.




I went through all that schooling because I wanted to prepare myself for the world of politics. I didn’t want to be just a politician, but a statesman. I wanted to be a real leader, guiding my people to a better future. That option isn’t available anymore, obviously, but your world has so many new ideas and factors in store, I’m sure I can find a way to occupy my time.




She looks to each of the ponies present and asks, “My little ponies, what do you think of Mr. Williams here?” Hmm. An examination of character. Understandable, I’d certainly question if a potentially insane person suddenly wanted to take up residence in my town. I stood by patiently as each pony made their case.

“Well, Ah suppose he a good fellah, fer a human.” Applejack said, only mildly aware of her insult to me. I’ll let it slide, since she’s coming to my defense. “He helped fight off the timberwolves when they attacked, and showed some real courage when the time came.”

Rainbow Dash popped up, hovering above them, “Yeah! He just swooped in to save me and Fluttershy, though, he could have tried to plan it better.” Hey! I was on short notice and the pan was the first thing I saw!

“He can certainly conduct himself like a gentlecolt, and has the most insightful ideas, even if he’s a little hard to communicate with.” Rarity gave her coif a flip as she spoke. I would thank her if I wasn’t being scrutinized by arguably the most powerful being on the planet.

“Even if he missed his party, I can tell he’s a lot of fun! He might be a bit of a stick in the mud right now, but give me a week and he’ll be up to Ponyville standards, no problemo!” Pinkie Pie vouched as she bounced. We would have to talk about these parties she wanted to throw…

Princess Twilight seemed to think for a moment before speaking, “Well, I haven’t known Peter for more than this morning, so I can’t really say. Derpy, You’ve been living with him. What do you think, could Peter make a life in Ponyville?”

As the group looked at Derpy she wilted. She was clearly uncomfortable with all the attention she was suddenly receiving. “Umm… Well… You see…” She looked to me, and I gave her a sign to just breath. She took a deep breath to form her composure before speaking again, “Peter is a good person. He saved Dinky from the Everfree Forest and has been nothing but helpful ever since. If he genuinely wants to make a life here, all he needs is for ponies to give him a chance.” God bless you, Derpy. God bless.


Celestia nodded, apparently satisfied, “Very well. Mr. Williams.” She spoke clearly and concisely, “As Princess of Equestria, I offer you immigrant status, with all the rights and privileges thereunto pertaining, in exchange for services to the crown for a total of one year as acting political advisor for Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

The assembled group, myself and said princess included, issued a statement of collective ‘What?’ She was basically handing everything I had wanted in exchange for one of the cushiest jobs imaginable. It was an offer on a silver plate that was too good to be true, which probably meant it was... 

Princess Sparkle apparently agreed with me, “But princess, why?”

“Because, Twilight,” the tall princess replied, “ while you are the Princess of Friendship, you are still a Princess of Equestria, and you may begin to face problems you and your friends are not prepared for. They will not be fought on fields of battle or magical trinkets, but on paperwork and diplomatic meetings. Mr. Williams has proven educated in this field, and his personal character has been above reproach since his arrival. I would feel more secure with him than any tudor I could assign from Canterlot. Assuming Mr. Williams accepts, of course.”

Aaand eyes are on me again. Unnerving. They are just absurdly huge, now that I really look at them. So I get to teach my profession for a year to a no-shit ruler, and then I am the equivalent of a free man. I wonder if I would be able to apply for citizenship? Probably, if I have the backing of a princess. It also gives me that protection I wanted. High crime to attack a royal advisor, I’d wager. Still a few things we need to hammer out. I grab my paper and take a few minutes to write out some lines.




A few points we need to address:

1: I want a public acknowledgement of my sapience. No point to working for the government if I’m still considered an animal by the local population. Although we may want to keep it quiet I’m the Royal Adviser. Too much shock can cause upheaval, no good for anyone.

2: I want an actual contract guaranteeing my status under the terms discussed. I may be laughed out of a courtroom, but I’ll have a real argument.

3: I’ll need a stipend to pay for my personal requirements. My own food, clothing, and rent. I’m already indebted to two of your citizens for their help, and I don’t plan to be for much longer.

Are these conditions reasonable?




Celestia read over my paper, but didn’t say it out loud. I doubt many present would appreciate me ‘speaking’ so harshly and informally to their primary ruler. Once she finished she set it aside, face down, and gave a gracious smile that seemed more genuine than any I had seen thus far, “Yes, Mr. Williams, I think such terms could be arranged.” I smiled back, something that seemed to bother her less than anyone else yet.




Well then, princess, you 
have yourself an advisor.



> Chapter 15
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


So, good news, I finally got a job, governmental protection, and a new suit out the whole thing. Bad news, Princess Celestia left before I got all my questions answered. Fortunately, I now had a new wellspring of information in the form of the illustrious Princess Twilight Sparkle, whom was to be my first student in the field of political science. I was both incredibly nervous and excited, a feeling coined as "nervos-cited" by Pinkie. When the meeting was concluded, we agreed to meet the following day to discuss the plans for her lessons and my public reveal. Princess Sparkle would organize an event with the mayor, Mayor Mare (really?) where I would introduce myself as the first intelligent human in Ponyville (and as far as any one else knew the first in the world). After that Pinkie said she was going to throw me a nice party to officially welcome me to town. On paper I will be working at the palace as a research subject/ assistant, but in practice I would be grooming Twilight for a future in the realm of politics. All in all the immediate future looked bright for me.

Once Derpy and I returned home, picking up Dinky along the way, I changed out of my suit and set into making a lesson plan. I wasn't a certified teacher by any merits, but I was familiar with how to introduce the subject of political science to a novice. Deciding to put my phone and it's miraculous charging abilities to good use, I began transcribing and paraphrasing many of the works I had saved on it. This managed to lead on deep into the evening, as apparently phone batteries last much longer when they're not constantly searching for signals and data. Once I was sufficiently tired (and Derpy took the phone away) I laid down on my couch and curled up with a blanket to rest.

That night I dreamt of many things, confusing but masterful. I was in an apartment from earth, with all the amenities they would usually have, but Derpy was there, as was Dinky. They were both still ponies, but carried on their activities like they really lived there. I was playing the role of a husband-father figure before departing to commute to my job at a university. There I was apparently a professor teaching home economics of all things to Elizabeth II if England, Emperor Hirohito, and Pope John Paul II. After I had taught them to balance their checkbooks on a stack of clean dishes the class was over and I returned home, somehow thwarting an alien invasion with a toaster pastry. Once home I greeted Derpy and Dinky politely and sat in front of the TV to watch the news where I was suddenly declared the President of Space due to my contributions to agricultural theory. 

It was at this point I awoke, got up, and promptly ran to the bathroom to take care of my morning rituals, and seriously contemplate the ramifications of attempting to eat "hay fries" for dinner.


Dinky Hooves


When I got out of bed I could hear the shower running in the bathroom, so I knew Mr. Williams was already up. I went to the kitchen, hoping to get some breakfast before getting ready for school. When I saw Mommy wasn't there an idea hit me. I was getting really good at controlling my magic. Mommy was worried she was gonna have to send me off to some fancy unicorn school, but I was already learning a lot from the other unicorns in class, and I was even going to be tutored under Princess Twilight in a few years, when I was old enough. I bet I could make breakfast for everyone, no problem. I would need a few things, frying pan, some hay bacon, some flour and butter and milk, and... Maaaybe a few fruit bowls will be enough for now.

I levitated the apples, melons, and a few other fruits out before going in for a knife to cut them with. Mommy says I'm not allowed to use them, since i might cut myself, but if I use magic, then she won't have to worry! I started to hum a little while I cut. The apples were really hard, but the bananas were easy after I peeled them. The melons were my biggest problem. Mommy always cut them into wedges and then cuts off the peel, but was really hard to make the first cut. I had to push the knife down with my hooves, but really carefully, of course! I managed to get most of the melons cut up before Mr. Williams came in wearing his non-buttoned white shirt and black pants. He gave me a big smile before walking over to the counter and pouring some of the fruit I'd cut up into a bowl and sitting at the table. It was still pretty funny seeing him try to fit into chairs that were really way too small for him. He ate quietly, not like I really expected him to talk, though. So far he could only talk with his note pad or hums and grunts. It was actually kind of funny, and he did hum some really nice tunes sometimes.

Mommy came in soon after Mr. Williams and was really impressed. I decided not to tell her about what I had to do with the melon. Momma told us that she was going to pick me up from school early today so I could be at Mr. Williams' big ceremony. I was looking forward to going so much! Momma still looked a little upset, though. She said that some ponies wouldn't accept Mr. Williams, or would say he was a fake, but he didn't care. He said that even where he came from there were people like that, who would refuse to believe something even if real proof was right in front of them. We finished breakfast and went to school after Mr. Williams got in his fancy suit. All the way there ponies were looking at him funny. Some looked curious, others were scared, and a few looked at him with the fluttery eyes that Sweetie Belle's sister makes sometimes when shes talking to a stallion. Mommy shot those ponies some nasty stares, even though Mr. Williams didn't seem to notice. I would have to ask what that was about later.

We got to school and my classmates all looked at Mr. Williams. When momma and him left they all started asking about him. I didn't know how much I should say since mommy was still iffy on him being so open about everything, but if Mr. Williams was going to let everyone know at the big event later, I guessed it wasn't a big deal. I told my classmates all about him and how smart he is. I even told them about how he was supposed to be from another world! Not everyone believed me, but like Mr. Williams had said, a lot of ponies wouldn't believe him even with proof, so just saying he was a person and not a pet would sound really crazy. I told them about the big event I was getting out early for, and they got so jealous! At least until Miss. Cherilee came in and said we were all getting out early to go see it. Not everyday a princess has a proclamation to deliver, after all.

We sat through class until recess, when I noticed something. Diamond Tiara hadn't been picking on Applebloom or her friends all day. When I looked around I realized she hadn't even been at school. She was so hard to notice when she wasn't being all mean for no good reason. I wasn't going to ask about it until the Crusaders themselves came to me. They asked if I had seen her, since they hadn't since she and Mr. Williams talked. I didn't know, and they really weren't that concerned either, so we started up a game of tag. 

Before long it was time to go, and Miss Cheerile brought us to the front door of the school so we could leave for the field trip. Momma and Mr. Williams picked me up and we went to the town square together. On the way more ponies were looking at him and whispering to each other.They must have heard the big announcement is about him. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but they kept making faces like I saw earlier today. When we got to the square I saw a platform set up that the mayor and Princess Twilight were already on. They were looking through some papers and talking to each other. 

We walked up to the stage, where Mr. Williams stepped up and was told to stand while they got ready to introduce him. I wanted to stay there with him, but Momma said that we didn’t need to be up there for this. I remembered Momma doesn’t like to be in front of big crowds of ponies that much, so I went with her as we stood close to the big stage. The crowd talked really loud until Miss. Mare tapped the microphone and got everypony’s attention.






Derpy Hooves


“Fillies and Gentlecolts” Mayor Mare began. I was nervous for Peter. We really had no idea what this would do for him. The princesses already assured him he would be okay, but there are always ponies who don’t follow the princesses orders. I quickly scanned the crowd, most ponies were curious, but a few who had seen Peter’s fight against the other human looked scared. I knew first hoof rumors could be more powerful than any laws, and fear could drive a pony to do crazy things. Even if Peter wasn’t scared about the future, I was.

“Today we have a special announcement from our very own Princess Twilight Sparkle!” The crowd cheered and stomped their hooves as Princess Twilight moved in front of the podium with a stack of index cards. The ponies of Ponyville had great pride in their resident princess, even if Mayor Mare griped about her castle technically being in a commercial district of the town layout. A number of stallions had even volunteered to join her own personal guard until she decreed she didn’t need them, and that Princess Celestia’s Solar Guard were more than enough to keep peace and order.

The princess cleared her throat to silence the crowd and pushed her cards in line against the podium, “Citizen of Ponyville, I have come before you today to introduce our newest and perhaps most peculiar addition to our fair town. Today I present to you Mr. Peter Gregory Williams!” The crowd watched silently as Peter confidently strode forward with a smile plainly on his face. At the front of the stage he took off his hat and gave a deep bow like the one he’d done the previous day when introduced to the princesses. He stood back up, putting his hat back on as the princess continued, “Mr. Williams may look like similar to the humans we know, but this ’Human in Black’ as I’ve heard many citizens refer to him as, has provided sufficient evidence and testimony to prove he is not only smarter than the average human,” I saw many ponies in the crowd nod in agreement, “but is, in fact, a fully sapient being from another world!” There were gasps of shock and a slight air of panic among the crowd, as well as scoffs of disbelief.

“Mr. Williams is an educated and respected member of his society, and wishes to return with due haste, but has requested that he be treated respectfully while he is here. Princess Celestia and I have already promised him as such while we search for a way to return him home, and we ask that you, the honorable citizens of Ponyville, do the same.” Princess Twilight finished, looking to Peter and receiving a nod of gratitude. They both looked to brace themselves at the next statement, “We will now accept questions on this matter.” Almost as one, reporters and newsponies from across Equestria swamped the stage with microphones and camera flashes.

"Princess Sparkle! Princess Sparkle! Do you really believe this human could be sapient!?"

"How are you certain he is from another world!?"

"Is he actually a science experiment gone horribly wrong!?"

"Do you know what his intentions for Equestria are!?"

"Are we to seriously believe this human is supposed to be an equal member of society?"

"Do you have a response to the rumors that you've taken this human in to be your lover!?"

"Is this human the scout for an alien invasion!?"

"How are the local police forces expected to respond to the fight between this human and another with your new proclomation!?"

"What proof of sapience does this human have!?"

"Is he considered evidence of the rumors of super-intelligent humans living in the Everfree Forest?"

The questions, both appropriate and inappropriate, continued to fly until Peter stood on the edge of the stage and opened his arms, silencing the crowd. He lowered his arms and looked to the princess, who nodded. She stepped down, quickly replaced by Peter, who retrieved a large notepad and his pencil from his pocket. Princess Sparkle lit her magic and cast a spell that projected the notepad on a large magic screen behind the stage.

"Mr. Williams will answer any questions you have." The princess said, "Unfortunately his voice was stripped of him by whatever force has brought him here, so he will answer via written responses." Peter nodded to her once more, then looked out on the befuddled reporters. He scanned over them for a moment then pointed to a pegasus stallion with a wicker hat and a camera around his neck.

"Uh... Ink Well... Hoofington daily... ah... H-how do we know that he-you are in fact... ah... an alien... or, ah... even sapient?" He stuttered. Peter was ready for such a question, and immediately threw himself into writing a response that could be seen by all.



I can prove it through this simple, but effective form of dialogue, as well as many artifacts that came with me from my world.

 
He pulled out his various belongings and displayed them on the podium, broadcasting it to the large screen. beneath each one he added a small description on the pad beneath. When he was done he let the setup sit for about fifteen seconds before collecting his items and tearing off the page to begin anew.



Does that answer your question?



The stallion seemed to surprise the stallion, who just nodded and slid back down. Before another could be picked, though, a unicorn with a notepad of his own magically scribbling away rose up to shout, "How do we know this isn't some elaborate ruse? I mean really? An intelligent human? This must be one of the latest pranks of Discord, or some hoax by a powerful enchanter and a well trained beast." 

Peter's eyebrow rose, showing off his range of emotive expressions. Before he could write a response Princess Sparkle stepped forward. "Those avenues were explored, we've looked for transformation or control magic, but non seem to be present, and Discord himself was questioned, but denied any involvement. He is currently investigating a possible lead, but we must take Mr. Williams at his word." Peter nodded at the satisfactory response and the stallion sat down, his pen scribbling faster than before. The reporters grew more bold and began being called on to question. Peter pointed to a dark blue pegasus mare floating a little above the crowd.

"Quick Jot, Cloudsdale Cronicle, Are you truly from another world, and if so, how did you come to be here?" She asked quickly in a professional tone. Peter smiled and nodded before beginning his response.



I am alien to your world. My home is called Earth, in what I suspect is another dimension. I don't know how I came to be in your beautiful land. I awoke in your Everfree Forest about five days ago dressed only in my suit and what I had in my pockets, where I found a young lost filly and was chased from said forest by a hungary beast. Since then I have been living with Mrs. Hooves and her daughter. My people had no technology capable of this, so I can only speculate as to the cause of my transition. Does that answer your question?



"Yes, thank you." The mare said before taking a quick picture of Peter at the podium. The scene continued like that for some time, where Peter would accept a question and answer in that polite, but drawn out and flowery language  that must have driven the reporters nuts with how long it was taking to get their quick comments for their columns. I didn't mind that he mentioned me, we discussed it and agreed it wouldn't be long before ponies found out where he lived anyway, and it was better than having them stalk him to and from work. When asked about his new role, he informed them he would be working for Princess Twilight at the castle as an aide to her research. He even managed to advertize Miss. Rarity for her fashion shop when he was asked about his full body attire when compared to the local humans. 

As the afternoon bore on Dinky was getting more antsy. She wanted to go play with her friends rather than sit around while the big ponies talked, so I let her go with Applebloom and the crusaders to have fun while I waited for the press conference to end. Peter was starting to look a little rough too. While the autumn air was cool, it was still warm for him to be standing there in his suit all day, and he was beginning to sweat. His hand was beginning to cramp from all the writing he was doing, and he had started to visibly lean on the podium for support. 

Princess Twilight must have noticed it as well, as she moved forward to nudge him aside after answering another question. "Thank you all for your questions, but I think it's time we wrapped this up. I'll answer one more question before this conference is concluded and we can all go home." 	

A tan unicorn stallion stood up with a raised hoof and spoke with a thick upper Canterlot accent, " Yes, Princess, Golden Ink, Canterlot Centennial, what exactly will the nature of your research be with your new pet?" The princess recoiled from the question and Peter's eyes locked in on the stallion. 

"W-well, Mr. Ink, first let me assure you that Mr. Williams is by no means considered a pet! He is a fully sentient and sapient being, and must be treated as such. He's not an animal!"

"But he is a human, yes?" the unicorn continued, undeterred by the princess' retort, "So he cannot, by the law, have rights. How can a human be considered a person?"

"Because," Princess Twilight sighed, "Mr. Williams is not a human from Equestria. We currently doubt he even has the same biology as an Equestrian human. While he may look the part of a standard human on the surface, he has proven multiple times to be leagues above them in every regard. The scientific name for his race is Homo sapiens, and he is clearly distinct from his lesser cousins."

Golden Ink seemed to consider this for a moment before responding in his accented tone, "But he is still just a human, right?"

The princess groaned and I could swear I saw Peter's eye twitch slightly. "That's enough for today." She announced,  "This press conference is called to a close. Any more questions may be sent to the castle for answer." She dispelled the projection and joined Peter as they made their way off stage. the reporters rushed to continue to ask questions, only to be held back by suddenly present Royal Guards. They made their way over to me as the reporters dispersed, clearly unable to get their scoops. Princess Twilight stopped as Peter joined me by my side, "Well, that was... interesting. I'm glad you could make it, Derpy."

I smiled and replied, "No problem, Twilight. I'm glad we could get this all cleared up."

"I'll head back to the castle for tonight, and Peter and I can get to work first thing in the morning!" She smiled back brightly.

"Okay. Anytime in particular he should get there?" I asked.

"About seven should do. That should give me time to get breakfast before we start hitting the lessons." She looked to Peter, "I'm very excited to begin my new courses, Mr. Williams. I'll see you tomorrow!" With that she turned and flew back towards the crystal palace. Satisfied, I called Dinky and we all started back to our house.






Peter Williams


Overall the press conference was... satisfactory. Clearly there would be holdouts, like that Golden Ink guy, but overall the general public was positive, or at least neutral about my intelligence and status. That was to be expected, hell some people in the south viewed blacks as animals even after the World Wars. I would have to cross that bridge when I came to it. In the mean time I would keep helping train Princess Sparkle in the art of politics and maintaining a comfortable living. It was a good plan. Still, even as we walked home and I though of how to introduce the princess to my wealth of knowledge, a single phrase kept being replayed in the back of my mind. It wasn't loud enough to distract me for long, but I did take note of it. Something one of the reporters had said...

'Is he considered evidence of the rumors of super-intelligent humans living in the Everfree Forest?'

It was just a question, one based on a rumor of a rumor most likely. I thought of the bipedal figures in the forest the night of the manticore fight. They may be related somehow. Not enough evidence to prove anything, but enough to make a somewhat compelling case. Coincidence? Probably. Still...

I sighed. Just another bridge to cross or burn when I come to it. If anything I could make it a future research project when my plate wasn't quite so full playing professor. Overall things seemed to be working out for me. A home, a job, and a good set of friends. Not much more a man could ask for, really. We got back to the cottage and I quickly dressed down to my shirt and pants. I liked the suit, and it was incredibly well made, but it was still a suit I had been wearing all day, and it was mildly liberating to be done with the thing. We had a delightful, if tasteless, dinner, I took a light shower to remove the day's sweat, and lied down on my couch. I would really need to get a bed sometime. I can't sleep on Derpy's couch forever. I'd probably need to sponsor a human-sized expansion on the house if I was going to be living there indefinitely too. I'd look like some freeloading bum. Can't do that, no sir. I'm a proud man. As I drifted to sleep, I felt a smile on my face as I settled into what would become my new life.
> Chapter 16
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


I stood before the castle at dawn, clad in my suit and tie, armed with my phone, paper, and pencils. I would have had a briefcase, but there was no time or bits to spare fir one. Bits... such a strange name for a currency. Might be reminiscent of a time when wealth was measured in actual bits of gold, rather than standard coinage. Research for later. Last night had been spent reviewing, correcting, re-reviewing, and confirming my lesson plan for the ruler-in-training, and now I was confident I could impart my wealth of knowledge to her. If I could get past the door.

"Are you sure this is the same human from before? That 'Patrick Wompal' or whatever?" The guard on the left asked his partner, eying me cautiously. Seriously! The first intelligent human in recorded history, and you can't be assed to remember his name! The ponies I have to deal with...

"Of course! How many others have you seen running around in a big, black suit? And with those writing supplies, gotta be him." The guard on the right nodded, looking me up and down. I gave that fellow a gentle nod, thankful that at least some ponies had sense enough to recognize- "Then again, all these humans do look alike. Someone could have gotten a suit from a tailor and put it on him." ... God damn it.

"Nah, nopony could have that kind of suit done in one night. Maybe Rarity, but she never does a repeat of her work." The left one retorted. I began to tap my foot in impatience. I was early for my appointment, but that didn't stop me from getting fed up with these two. Airport security was less tiresome. I was about to write down  my exact feelings for them when an idea hit me. I popped my neck and took a deep breath, suddenly getting the guards' attention. I took on a shocked expression, hand covering my mouth, and pointed at an imaginary foe off in the distance. Even added a sort of whimpering sound.

As expected the two guards managed to be receptive enough to dart over to the area I had pointed at, while I gently entered the crystal tree fortress. I will say, despite it's outward aesthetic, the interior was really nice. A soothing dark purple kept things from being too bright, what with the crystalline reflections. Could use some drapes, though. Maybe a few brighter rugs to liven up the hall? Bah. I'm no interior designer.

I put the design choices of the princess out of my mind as I made my way to the council chamber. There I found the purple winged mon...quad-arch? Questions for later. She was currently engaged in the preparations of a small classroom-like setting, with a small stack of books, a short chalkboard, and a tray of various treats with a pair of steaming cups of liquid. She seemed to be focused on cleaning the board spotless when I entered and cleared my throat.

"Ah! Peter! Good to see you!" She cheered as she finished her task and trotted over to me. I gave a polite bow and stepped toward the setup, taking up the chalk in the tray and writing on the squeaky board.




Good morning Princess. Are you ready for our lesson?"




I noticed my writing on the chalkboard was sloppier than on paper, likely due to the vertical angle. I would have to write more carefully to keep my writing legible. My wrist already hates me. Princess Twilight perked up at my question, though.

"Oh, yes! I spent last night going over many old theories and manuscripts on philosophy and politics, but I'm excited to hear ideas from an alien perspective!" She settled into a seat and levitated several papers in front of her with words and sentences scrawled across them. I smiled at her enthusiasm, and prepared my mental lesson plan. The princess laid the writings down as I set into my work, scrawling the highlights of a lecture. Even as I began, though, my hand gave me pain, and I had to abridge my writing style to the basics.




Politics for my people derived from Greek "politika" = "Affairs of the City" - Aristotle
City = People -> "Affairs of the People" 




"Question!" I was interrupted from my scrawling by the princess' raised hoof. I turned to her and nodded. "Who is 'Aristotle? Was he an important pon-er... person?" She jumped a little when a sharp bark of a laugh left me and I quickly adjusted what I had written.




Aristotle - ancient greek philosopher - one founder of western thought




"Oh, so he's like our own Aristrotle and Plot-o!" 

... Wh-wha... j...just roll with it. I gave her a nod in confirmation. Moving on! I erase what I had written and begin anew.




Politics=government=society=civilization
1st: Hunter/gatherer - Tribal
2nd: Agricultural - Varied




I take a step back and allow my student to see the writing. She reads over it and speaks, "So Politics is inherent in governments, which is inherent in society, which is, itself inherent in civilizations?" I nod. That's more or less the fundamental basics. "So first were, uh.. hunter-gatherer tribes, then they learned agriculture and they got various government types?" Yes, right again. For having a teacher unable to give a proper lecture, she is picking up on this remarkably fast. I turned back to the board and extended the line for Tribal.




Tribal: large base around the community, led by eldest/most powerful - authority based on respect
-Small groups <500 pop
-nomadic- follow large herds for hunting/migrating for the seasons
-strongest succeeded most, most beneficial to tribe = more authority




I stepped back and let her soak it in. this was taking a little longer than I would have liked, having to stop every few minuets to make sure she was soaking in the information and let her ask questions. Speaking of which, "Well, it looks similar to what ponies had back before the three tribes formed their kingdoms. The biggest and the oldest ponies would become leaders due to their wisdom and experience, as well as for their ability to protect the tribe as a whole. Unicorn elders were especially respected, because as they aged they would become more experienced at using their magic. Some old legends tell of wizened old mages beating dragons in one on one combat." I nodded along. That would make sense, especially if ...magic... takes all the mental acuity I suspect it does. I erased the chalkboard again and wrote out next to the Varied line.




Agriculture = end of nomadic lifestyle
More food - New challenges
*PROTECTION* - govt shaped around who protects
Democracy - citizen/soldier
Feudal/monarch - ruler/warrior class
-govt types form from needs of it's people




I took another break as the princess read over my new writing. At this point I noticed her horn glowing and a small notebook hovering nearby with a quill rapidly taking notes. I sighed and settled in for a long day.

...My feet hurt...





Well six hours, two sore feet, and lots of chalk later, Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle was fairly well versed in the basics of political science and I in the history of Equestria. I felt that gross amounts were fragmented, biased, or just plain missing, but we weren't exactly going in depth on the specifies. She did confirm that Princess Celestia was effectively immortal, along with her sister, Princess Luna, whom I had yet to meet. Twilight did mention she would be able to orchestrate a meeting between us, Which I thanked her for. Always nice to know the folks in charge. I though things would being to get heated when I started to grill her on the nature of the celestial rulers' powers and the makeup of the solar system, but instead I was thrown for a new loop. 

Princess Twilight was more than happy to explain every minute detail of Princess Luna's control over the moon, using mathematics on a level that could rival the highest learned professors of their fields. She had charts, graphs, glyphs, diagrams, and more symbols than you could shake the whole damn knowledge tree at. Suffice to say, my second repetition of Trig 1 left me wholly unprepared and dumbfounded by the second paragraph of what sounded like a final thesis doctorate on quantum physiology. She had this excited glint in her eye, a tell tale sign that she didn't get to show her true depths of knowledge on a subject very often due to the disinterest of an audience, a feeling I knew well. I decided to let her have this and follow as best I could, just to indulge her.

...I tried. I really did. As a political scientist in a world that prefers discussion of how their preferred football team will somehow make it to the championship this season over the political instability or social strife of foreign nations, I knew what it was like to finally have an audience who care about what I had to say. I wanted Princess Twilight to have this. I really did. I am ashamed to say I failed horribly. It may have been the vacant look on my face, or my lack of questioning, or maybe even my thin line of drool slowly working it's way down my chin, but not long after she began talking about magical light beam alteration arrays she must have realized she had lost me. She was disappointed, and gave a small pout, but forgave me. I emphasized to her that my field of expertise was focused more heavily on sociopolitical interests, and my math prowess stopped at about long division and low level algebra.  She sighed and admitted it wasn't a big deal, but was grateful to me for listening as long as I had. We would have to go over is some other time, it was her turn to ask me a question.

"So what was your world really like?" She tilted her head, somewhat similar to how a dog would. I will reserve the right to say it was adorable. "I know we've been talking about your world for some time now, but we just went over the politics and philosophy. I want to know what it was like to live there." I nodded. It was a decent question, and we can talk about old dead men for so long before she'll want to know about more recent developments. I ready my writing arm and begin.




Where I lived? It was nice. A calm suburb of a bustling town of the American south. 
Middle class family, three siblings, some dogs. Peaceful. Elsewhere? Not so much.




"What do you mean?"




Some parts of my world are filled with violence, hatred, and tyranny. 
Rape, pillaging, and mass murder happens in far away places with people I'll probably never know.




The princess gasped, "That's terrible!" I nodded in agreement. "Why would ponies- ah, I mean people, do such things?"




The world is large, and not everyone wants to make nice. some feel they have the right to bend others to their wills, others think they are protecting what they value as sacrosanct, while some few are simply filled with psychotic rage.




"That's horrible." The princess drooped, ears lying flat in mourning for people who she could never possibly know or help. I like this little horse. She has a good soul. I gently rubbed her shoulder, trying to be as reassuring as possible. When she finally shot me a small smile I pulled back and wrote again.




Enough of this sad talk for now. I said I'd help research the possibilities of intelligent humans, so lets do it.




Princess Sparkle perked at that and nodded, "Okay. lets do it then." She rose to her hooves and trotted toward the door, "Come on! We can begin our research in the lab!" Lab? Oh dear. I don't like the sound of that. I cautiously rose to my feet and followed her out and into the hall. We walked down through a few corridors before coming to a staircase that led into a basement which smelled of unidentified chemicals. I could swear I saw an arc of electricity as we entered, and every facet of the room seemed to cry out 'mad scientist. My trepidation must have been on my sleeve, because Twilight turned and chuckled, "It's okay, Peter. Everything in here is stable. I haven't had the oppertunity to resume my other experiments after Tireck wrecked my old home." her voice took on a tone of pain and homesickness before she shook it off and returned to the task at hand... Hoof... no, fuck it, I have a hand, I'm sticking with hand. Task at hand, giving a hand, handing it to people. I know at least that little dragon has hands, so I can't be alone in my hand-ness. Hands I have and hands I'll use. Local vernacular be damned.

The princess sat me down on a table as she Explained what would happen, "So First we're going to make a few detailed scans of your brainwave and do a preliminary checkup. I know the veterinarian already did one, but that was for a standard Equestrian human, so this one will be for establishing a decent baseline. Do you feel in good enough condition for that?" Well, I could use a sandwich. Lunch was a few hours ago, but overall I feel fit as a country fiddle. I gave her an affirmative nod and let the process begin as I laid down. "This will feel a little fuzzy, but it shouldn't leave any side effects." Shouldn't. Comforting. She fired up her magic horn and I felt the power flow over me. It did feel fuzzy. Kinda warm too. Like a blanket of warm stuff. Hmm. The feeling passed from my head down through my neck and chest to my stomach, extending down my arms to my hands, then my legs and feet. All in all it took fifteen minuets and felt like a gentle rubdown with a warm towel. 

"There! Done! Now we just need to the compile the information processor, and we'll be done!" Princess Sparkle cried cheerfully. I smiled and sat up as she trotted over to a machine covered in strange lights and buttons. It had a short stubby antennae that was suddenly enveloped in the princess's magenta magic field. I waited for something to happen. After thirty seconds the machine gave a ring of confirmation, the sounds of fans whirring to life as it began it's work. "Okay, it'll take a little while for the results to finish, so we can move on for now." Suddenly the princess seemed to become shy, "Next I'd like to get a-uh... blood sample for examination. You don't mind do you?" Well I just finished having my body soaked in what could have been nuclear radiation for all I knew, so sure, why not give a blood sample, so long as she didn't need my arm or something. I held up my thumb and fore finger to symbolize my request. "Not to worry," Came her reply, "I only need a few test tubes for examination." I nodded and rolled up my sleeve. A few test tubes wouldn't hurt, and I was a hardy fellow.

The princess returned with a thin needle and blood extractor I was familiar with. The mixing of tech levels on this world never ceases to confuse me. I suppose the physics behind the little things isn't that complicated, but I have yet to see even one mention of cannons or firelocks in any history book. It's just weird. Magic is bullshit. Ten minuets and five vials of blood later I stood gently and we made our way back upstairs. I enjoyed some tea and cookies the young dragon Spike had prepared while we discussed tomorrow's schedule. I would arrive at about the same time and we would begin covering Equestrian history, with my own commentary. After that we would look at the test results and try and compare them to a local Equestrian human. If there was time after that we could go into much more in depth with our scans and analysis. With time, we may eventually get enough information to publish a paper. To top off my good mood, I got an advance on my stipend to cover personal expenses while I got my start. Huzzah! Financial stability, ho!

With our plans for the next day made, and my new money, only in coin form, strangely, I bid her good evening and stepped out the door.

And right into a world a bright white flashes and shouting. I sighed. It was going to be a longer day than I thought.





Apparently the hysteria over the "intelligent human" didn't die down as much as I'd hoped after the press conference. The reporters got their stories and moved on, but now came the torrent of researchers, all wanting their own, independent, studies. I suppose everyone wanted to verify, or disprove, the scientific anomaly of their generation, make a big name, get rich, nice house, pretty wife, the whole shebang. I understood that. What I didn't understand was why they seemed to think just because I couldn't speak, I couldn't hear them.

"And here we can see the supposed intelligent human carrying out complex problem solving. Proof of his supposed rationality? Maybe. It might be a trained reaction from long periods of conditioning. I will need to observe more to evaluate." I had purchased a bag of peppers for the fridge at the house.

"While the Princess' claim of this creature's sapience may be subject to scrutiny, this researcher believes the creatures clear, unprovoked aggression toward others of it's kind seem to imply it has less control over it's animal instincts than we have been led to believe." The little bastard had been trying to piss on my shoe! What the hell was I supposed to do!?

"Interaction of subject PW with females of both human and pony, regardless of levels of interest, seem to show no sexual excitement, however this may be due to interference from the layers of clothing the subject wears. in order to get a more accurate reading, I will have to act... personally... for science of course..." Rrrrright, fuck the groceries, I'm going home. 

The forces of scientific discovery hounded me all the way to Derpy's house, so I closed the shutters and drapes, just to be sure. I did, however, get a lovely view while closing the last drapes of a pair of 'researchers' getting into a small skirmish over who had the right to film the house overnight. Fun fact: a pegasus' wing joints are particularly fragile, and easy to dislocate. The poor, poor bastard. I took off my coat and proceeded to the kitchen to give Derpy the fruits of my shopping, as well as a few coins. 

"Huh? What's this for?" she asked. I took out my note pad. I really need to find a better way of communicating. after essentially writing out lectures all day, my hand was starting to cramp.




Rent




Derpy gasped, "Oh! Peter I don't need you to pay rent! I already told you you can stay free of charge! You're a friend, not a tenant." I gave her a supportive smile as I wrote my response.




Don't care. It's to support the household.




The gray pegasus sat in contemplation for a few moments, then sighed, "Alright. I get the feeling you'd just leave it on the counter if I didn't take it, and who knows what kind of sweets Dinky would buy if she got her hooves on it. Thank you." She took the money and put it in a drawer before turning back to her cooking. Hmm. Grilled veggies. Not bad with a bit of salt and pepper. With my task complete I went out to the couch and began reading the newspaper. Sure enough I was headline news, and overall I was given a fair report. There was still a bit of speculation on my origins though, even a reference to the wild humans of the Everfree Forest and how the magic there seemed to defy all sense of logic. I could probably say the same about magic in general, but there were apparently rules about this sort of thing. Laws of physics and such. The rest of the articles were local news and opinion pieces, not much to take stock in. Maybe a few I could use for lessons tomorrow, but nothing more.

A knock on the door sounded, and was promptly answered by Dinky, since her mother was preoccupied by the stove. The door opened to a fire red unicorn with an outrageous mustache and pith helmet that had a hole for his horn. In his magic was an old-timey camera and note book. Actually, I think this was the fellow who was wrestling the pegasus earlier. Good show.

"Ah-hem. Good evening young lady. I am Lost A. Found, PhD. I was hoping I could speak to your mother about your recent added guest." The stallion quoffed. Is that a word? Quoffed? I think it is. Seems to define his demeanor well enough. Quoffed it is. As I rose to approach the door, newspaper under arm, Dinky turned to call for Derpy.

"Momma! There's another weird guy at the door! This one has a funny hat!" I let out a chuckle as the stallion blustered from his less-than-grand introduction.

"One moment, sweetie!" I hear Derpy call from the kitchen. While we wait for her, I decide to do a little research of my own and see if these ponies are as perceptive at reading my facial expressions as I hope. I stooped down and leaned on the door's arch, giving what I hoped was an angry 'explain yourself' face. I apparently failed, or this guy's perception was terrible, because he just looked up at me with those absurdly huge eyes that all ponies have for some odd reason and gave me a shit eating grin through his mustache.

"Oh, if it isn't my subject here! I have been trying to get a question in all day, but my colleagues all seem tartarus-bent to prevent my work. Unacceptable. Simply unacceptable." I quirked my eyebrow, trying to emphasize that he should get to the point. "In any case, I wanted to know if you would be available to do a more formal interview than that little Q and A you had at your great unveiling, as it were." Well. This is a pleasant surprise. Derpy entered the room, presumably after turning the stove off, and greeted the researcher.

"Oh, hello! Can I help you?" She asked politely as I backed away to give her room.

"Oh, yes. I was hoping I could come in to your lovely home and give this creature the proper interview it deserves. For science." The stallion used his magic to twirl his mustache and puffed out his chest in what I assume was supposed to be a dignified display, but came off as a little pretentious. 

"Uhm... Well, I suppose that's really up to Peter." Derpy turned to me with a concerned look. As much as I would love an interview, my hand just couldn't handle it. I was actually starting to consider postponing Princess Sparkle's lessons tomorrow so I could let it recover. I shook my head at the stallion with my best apologetic look, rubbing my hand. 

"Ah! I see." His voice spoke of awkward disappointment, "Well, I suppose we'll have to schedule some other time." I gave him a nod in agreement. He stroked his facial hair with a hoof in thought before speaking again. "How does two days from now sound? morning? Early afternoon?" I gave him a signal for the second one. I would need to set up a lesson plan for my royal student, then I could do the interview over lunch. "Excellent! How does one o'clock sound?" I gave him a thumbs up. Before I could reconsider the likelihood of hoof-based societies understanding thumb-based gestures the stallion took the affirmative and walked away.

With my new addition to potential allies logged, I reclined on the couch and relaxed. Dinky hopped up with me and began excitedly telling me about her day, which I listened to halfway while I just took in the surreal sensation of it all. It was almost like I was normal. Almost. I was still surrounded by uncertainty, plagued by the unknown future. But right then, I was man home from a long day at work. I suppose almost was good enough for now.
> Chapter 17: The One in Which I Re-introduce Chapter Titles
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


I rose from a comfortable slumber on my little slice of couch with a stretch, yawn, and a few joints popping into position. After walking to the bathroom to take care of my morning routine I returned and sat down to evaluate my prospects for the day. Time on deck is... Where's the clock... Screw it, I'll just use my phone. I reached into my bag and recovered the device. I held the button and waited for it to finish it's start up. While I waited my mind crossed over the things I could cover with Princess Sparkle. There was only so much I could cover without proper lecturing, and I didn't know if my poor hand could survive the strain of another day of constant chalkboard writing.

The phone emitted it's typical tones, and the screen lit up, displaying it to be a pleasant seven fifteen in the morning. I took a moment to put in my password and scroll through it. After a whole day and one half of inactivity, the battery was at eighty seven percent and charging. nice. That would probably last me at least until nightfall, since it wasn't constantly sucking power to internet apps. As I scrolled I looked over my buttons and widgets before an idea wormed it's way into my head. I quite a few books in my e-reader from college. Books filled to the brim with all kinds of philosophical and political knowledge. Some of my favorites, Augustine, Aquinas, Cicero, they were all in there.

This is going to blow her mind.

With a plan set in my mind, I finally noticed the mysterious silence around me. No sounds of my lovely landlady or her daughter fixing breakfast from the kitchen, nor the familiar rustles of bags being packed for school or work. I looked around and found a note I had missed during my search for the clock. It read that the pair had gone to a sort of field trip, and didn't want to disturb my sleep. Breakfast was in the fridge. Aww. How sweet of them... I went into the kitchen to check for the promised food and...

Oh.

A fruit salad.

Again.

Well, when in Rome... Seriously, though. I need some meat, and not just for protein. I have the supplements for that. I miss the taste of a good cooked slab of animal muscle. Freaking herbivores. I remember mention that the griffons eat meat... maybe it's not too uncommon for other races to hunt lesser creatures for food. Would that mean griffons hunt and sell local human meat? Would it be... I glanced out the window to see a human and her owner walking down the road, apparently out for a morning 'trot'. The human's eyes were dull and uninterested, as always, but her gait and features were so hauntingly similar to my own... and a few that weren't but familiar all the same!

Nope. Not going there. Animals or not, I'm not going to even consider that line. It would be like... like... like eating a dog! It would be... Inhumane, ironically enough. I shook the idea from my mind. I had enough to think about over the possible implications of pseudo-cannibalism. With my morning appetite for bacon ruined by the idea of long pork, I ate my fruit in peace and quiet, enjoying the serenity of the calm, autumn day. I'd need to ask Derpy or the princess when winter was expected to come so I could commission some winter clothes. Now that I thought about finances, I wonder if I could talk Derpy into building an expansion on the house so I could have an actual room, and not just the living room couch. That would be a long ways off, though. Probably not the best thing to bring up on my first week of residency. 

Before long the fruit was gone and I was set for the day. Clad in my suit, and phone securely in my pocket, I left the house, intently ignoring the small crowd of onlookers and purported scientists looking to analyze the human anomaly in his natural habitat. I crossed town and got to the castle with little issue, guards Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb actually recognizing me this time and letting me inside. Princess Sparkle gave me a friendly greeting and we entered the council chamber once more.

"So what will we be discussing today?" she inquired as she settled into her throne with a cup of what I assumed to be coffee by the look and smell. A cup that sat opposite of her for me to take was filled with a mercifully light, almost sweet brand of tea. Rather than write on the chalkboard for her, as I had done the previous day, I simply wrote her a note.




I'm afraid my hand won't survive another day of intensive chalkboard writing like we had yesterday, so I've decided on a new tactic.




She briefly looked disappointed before perking up, "So what is the new plan?"




Literature




At my response the princess' eyes lit up with both excitement and confusion. Before she could voice the inevitable question I was already writing the response.




On my phone is a compilation of e-books that are the foundation of a liberal arts education. 
Today's lessons will comprise of reading those until the battery runs out. we can discuss what we'll do next after that.




As the princess read my note, I retrieved the said device from it's place in my pocket and placing it on the table. Once done with the writing, Princess Sparkle immediately zeroed in on the small glass and plastic communicator, almost hovering over it in excitement. I realized as her questions began firing off faster than my brain could register them how deep that hole I just dug myself was. I stared into the abyss, and it, in return, stared in to me. 

"So how does it work?" was the question I managed to catch through the torrent of inquiries. Shaking my head, partly for humor and partly to clear it, I reach over to where the purple princess had snatched my phone. Without pausing to write an explanation, I unlocked the phone, swiped across a few screens, and opened the app. It was a simple book app that I had for my philosophy reading on the go, but now it was my only real literature from my world short of the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs, courtesy of the Gideons. I must have had at least thirty writings from Plato to Kant. Hell, I even had the Communist Manifesto in there for reference purposes. If there was a "classic hits" collection for philosophy, it would be my little digital library... that Princess Sparkle was now furiously tapping with her hoof. Elegant. 

"So much in such a tiny device!" She marveled, "Amazing! I wish I had a few of these, it would make sorting the library much easier, although I suppose it would make checking out books a bit more difficult." She giggled as I opened a digital copy of Plato's The Republic, translated for convenience, and wrote on my note pad again.




Our lesson for today will be to read the founding book of western political and philosophical thought.




She read my note, then looked to the phone. Her eyes squinted as she thought before responding. "As much as I want to dive into your books as soon as possible, I'm not sure if I could read it all just on that little device." I nodded. She did have a point. It would be very tough to read off my phone for a whole day, as well as the fact she would have to be very careful when scrolling to keep from scratching the screen with her hoof, screen protector be damned. I looked between the phone and the princess once more, deep in thought. I scribbled a note to demonstrate my conundrum.




It would be hard to do it. It would be easier if I just had the book, but this was just about the only thing on me when I got here.




The princess read my note, then looked back to my phone. Suddenly a spark of inventiveness flashed in her eye, "Actually, I have an idea! I have a spell that should be able to copy the text from the screen and write out it's contents in a blank book." I raised a suspicious eyebrow. "What? It's used for librarians and chroniclers who need to preserve old texts... aaand maybe to make a few personal copies from the Canterlot archives during freshman year..." She had the decency to blush at her admission. I crossed my arms and thought. It was convenient. Too convenient some might say. Hell, it might not even work. If it did, how long? Would it damage my phone? My eyes closed as I pondered the situation. So many variables to consider. So much at stake. It's not like there's a Samsung kiosk in the marketplace I could go to for magical mishaps.

If it did work though... So much knowledge, so little effort, and my wrist would be spared countless days of arduous writing. It was pretty convenient, but sounded pretty complex. I took a sip of my tea and dedicated strong thought to my options. Months of painful transcribing two thousand year old words reduced to maybe a day of no work at all... all at the potential cost of the most concentrated point of knowledge on the planet. I sighed at my plight, just before my stream of consciousness was derailed at the, now tell-tale, sound of magic. I opened my eyes and saw my phone levitating in air, encased in Princess Sparkle's iconic magenta glow, with a blank book slowly being filled in in plain English the beginning of Socrates' dialogue with Cephalus. a small bit of magic was caressing the front of the phone, acting as a finger, while a little quill excitedly scribbled the text. And behind it all was the dear princess, looking on with fascination...

That little bitch...

My displeasure at the current turn of events must have been clear from my less-than-pleased disposition. Is regicide illegal here? Of course it is. The question is: Could they prove it? I could always play the dumb human card. Drift into the background. Blend in with the trogs out on the street. I could look the part, just roll around in some mud and feces for a bit, they'll never tell the difference. I'd have to lose the suit though. That'd be a shame. I like this suit. Very sturdy and well made. I have the other ones commissioned too. It'd be disrespectful to Rarity to just cancel all that work she must be going through putting them together. And my feet? Far too fragile to just walk around barefoot for the rest of my life. Nah. I suppose a good ass chewing will suffice.





One LONG discussion on respecting people's property that I would think a princess would know, but clearly needed a reminder on, we stepped out for a gentle walk around Ponyville. The spell worked fine and there seemed to be little effect on my phone other than it seemed to stop losing charge in the magic's grasp, further cementing my theory magic was some sort of electro-magnetic wave-sort of thing... Physical science and political science are very different subjects... The thing could be set to go and and left alone. The princess' little pet... lizard... butler... thing... would be keeping an eye on it. She continued to refer to him as a dragon, and I did watch him breath magic fire, so I suppose a 'grounded drake' he was then, but I still needed to figure out the relationship between them. After some careful prodding on the subject Princess Sparkle revealed he was akin to a little brother to her, despite the differentiation in species. The circumstances of his hatching made her far too young to act as a mother figure, so the Sparkle family apparently just adopted him as a sibling, where he took upon the personal responsibility to help his ‘big sister’ out by becoming her number one assistant. 

Cute story. Gives me the warm fuzzies.

We continued to cross Ponyville to a small cafe to sit and enjoy a light brunch. We had a light conversation with questions I could answer in one quick note and a few hand gestures. When our food arrived, hers a garden salad with quite a few more flowers than I felt ready to attempt to digest and mine a plate of steamed carrots, I began to dig in with a resigned sigh. Yay. More veggies. Filled with fiber and nutrients. 
Necessary for the human body. Delicious…

I miss bacon…

We decided to discuss the history and politics of Equestria to pass some time and get me up to speed on the status of the nation now. I ate in silence, occasionally giving short questions or comments. It was fairly intriguing, if sparse. Even accounting for the fact it was a general overview of one thousand years of history over a brunch, there seemed to be huge, unexplained gaps, with well recorded history going back only about one hundred years. Given the princess’s scholastic background, I would expect her to be more knowledgeable on the subject than the standard pony, so if there are such gaps in her knowledgeable, how much more history is lost on the populace? Interesting, if not disappointing.

Our one-sided conversation continued until I saw a familiarly dome-shaped hat out of the corner of my eye. I held up a hand to pause Princess Twilight's speech and waved over Professor Found. The stallion happily trotted over as my gaze lingered for a moment longer on an alley that lied just across the way. I know I saw something rushing in the shadows. They wouldn't be bold enough to strike in the presence of a princess, and they might not even be interested in me. Hell I didn't even know what it was, it could have been a big dog, or a particularly finnicky troglodyte looking for scraps. No telling. Nothing to get worked up over anyway.

The princess and the professor shared a pleasant conversation about humans that I was more than happy to use to distract me from my sudden spike in paranoia. The rest of the morning went swimmingly as the delightfully British pony gushed over all of his different findings. Then he brought something up that caught my attention. "I just wish the Everfree Forest Pacification Initiative was faster going. There are some fascinating observations on the few instances of wild humans appearing."

I leaned in, emphasizing my interest in the subject. "Oh! I suppose this sort of thing would be right up your alley, Peter!" Dr. Found continued, "Well there seems to be an upswing of activity in the humans of the forest. It has offered an unprecedented look into how they adapt to the threats to the threats and randomness of the forest, or at least it would if the humanitarian society in Canterlot truly cared about their actual field of study. As it stands it serves as a social club for 'fanciers' in the nobility, and they their ideas firmly stuck in the sand on the advancement of human affairs."

"What ideas are those?" The princess asked.

"That humans are static creatures, unchanging beasts good for little more than companionship and labor, despite my clear evidence that they have progressed more in the past five hundred years than any other non-sapient creature could have in one thousand!" The good doctor removed his helmet, wiping his brow while his tone grew more frustrated as he spoke, "They refuse my research, trash my theories, and ignore my inquiries! I-I... I..." He let out a great huff and hung his head, "I've all but given up on the Society in Canterlot. I'm hoping to form a new society either here in Ponyville or in the Crystal Empire. I've heard tell their ideas on humans are vastly different from our own, what with being one thousand years behind." He then began regaling Princess Twilight with his ideas and theories, but my attention had already drifted off to the subject of the Everfree Forest. Even with my limited exposure to what will now be known in my subconscious as lion-bat-scorpion-demon-land, I could tell there was something about the humans there. My first experience with them was... stressful, but when I think about it, there was a small mound of evidence there was more to those... creatures... than met the eye.  Maybe even worth further investigation, if it wasn't for the aforementioned demons. Maybe one could come to me? Sure, just wander into town, right up to the castle and politely say hello. Spot of tea and crumpets too?

I stifled a throaty chuckle at the scenario playing out in my head. Still... I would have to put in some time for research into them... at some point... On top of all the other things I wanted to get done... I'll do it... eventually... stupid forest... Our conversation soon came to a close and the princess and I finished up our lesson. We returned to the castle, running into Derpy fresh off her mail job and she joined us back at the castle. The transcribing process was about half done, but I suppose that was enough for a few lessons, and we would always have more time on my next visit. The princess shut down the spell, and I collected my device. Spike was more than happy to let us take over what he had determined was 'marginally more exciting than watching paint dry'.  The little guy tried to take a crack at the Socratic Method unprepared. Poor, lizardy bastard... I'll have to tutor him at some point. Probably after I have a place of my own, but before I work on that Everfree project. 

"Oh wow! So many pages in such a short time! I can't wait to get into this!" The princess gushed as she looked over the pile of papers that had accumulated in our absence. It was rather impressive. I wondered if the spell was including all the footnotes and references... If it was a direct transcription spell it probably would, for however much good that would do us. References to works that don't exist here... truly a tragic loss for knowledge. Still, at least we have this much. I wrote out a note to interrupt Twilight's outburst.




Princess, I realize that you're excited, but remember that these texts are not just light novels.
You need to take your time and read carefully to understand the context and deeper meanings.
These men are considered the wisest and most learned in four thousand years of recorded human history.




Princess Sparkle read the note, but I got the distinct impression that my message didn't get across one hundred percent as this astounded grin cracked across her face. "F-four thousand years?" I heard her whisper. I drew closer to try to hea- "FOUR THOUSAND YEARS!?" Okay... Ow... "Your people have four thousand years worth of recorded history!?" I shrugged and put down another note.




Thereabouts, but the earliest records are hardly a good standard. 
Mostly ancient receipts for trading transactions and a few war stories. 
After that is religious texts based off mostly oral tradition. I think. 




"Still, to have any written records from that long ago, while the Hearth's Warming Eve story was only put to pen a few hundred. Most ponies don't even know of ancient unicorns past Starswirl the Bearded, and you've told me about people who would have been alive before Celestia was even born!" Well, Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar are pretty important figures in history. "There's just so much we don't know about the past, and Celestia is always so cryptic about what she knows. Like she wants us to figure it out ourselves..." She sighed in defeat. I absentmindedly scratched the back of my head, not knowing what to say. It was her history after all. Ultimately I put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder, which was joined by Derpy, who had been quietly trying to forge her own path into an adventure novel from the library. I gently tapped my previous note about taking the book slowly and tossed a thumb over my shoulder, indicating I was going to head out for the day. She gave a nod and Derpy and I left, After the pegasus asked to check out the book she had been reading, of course.

With plenty of day left we went out into town to collect Dinky from school. She was a bounding ball of energy on the way home, but we did get a few things at the market for dinner. Mostly more vegetables... yay... but I did manage to discover the usage of eggs by ponies for food stuffs, and, in a completely controlled and non-wasteful way, bought three dozen of the little shell coated treasures. In my completely non-hysterical thanking of God's divine mercy, I almost missed a conversation between Derpy and the vendor.

"You know, it's not good to feed your human too much animal goods. I hear it can mess with their bowels something fierce, especially if they're on protein supplements already..." This is the second time today I have had to plan to dig a pony sized grave. Is that bad of me? I shouldn't think murder is my go-to for problem solving, but this bint did just try to ruin my possible meat-inclusive diet. It's only been a few days, but I was raised in the land of gratuitous sized meat meals, and God dammit if I didn't want something with more substance than fucking broccoli. Fortunately for the continued good health of the salesperson, Derpy would have none of it.

"Thanks, but Peter is a very special human.. He's the one from another world, and he assured me his people eat meat all the time. I'm sure it will be fine."

"Oh yeah, he is the weird one, ain't he?"

"W-well, I suppose to us he's pretty strange, but he's really a great person when you get to know him."

"I'm sure, I'm sure. Though if his diet does allow for more meat, I may be able to get a few special orders from the Griffon Kingdom. I've got a contact that has fallen on some rough times so I can squeal a good deal out of them. They still charge a good bit, but it's better than any vendor around here can provide." Heavenly Lord, bless this pony with mercy and kindness... Wait...




No human meat




The pair looked to my note and gave a questioning look for a moment, then the vendor laughed while Derpy paled at the realization, quite a feat to be seen through her fur. "Hoo, don't worry there, bucko, the Griffon Kingdom doesn't use humans for meat anymore. Haven't for a few decades now. Outlawed by the last queen before King Guto came to power. Officially the meat of the humans in the Griffonstone and the rest of the kingdom was tainted, and would cause sickness. Rumor mills, however, say that she was actually trying to protect her favored pet human.. perhaps more than a pet? Hmm."

Derpy and I had the decency to blush, the grey mare sputtering, "M-Marigold! Don't talk about such things in front of Dinky!"

"Oops! sorry," The stall vendor rubbed the back of her head, "Sorry. She's so small and quiet, sometimes I forget she's even there."

"It's fine." Derpy sighed, "We should be getting home now. Thanks for the eggs! We'll have to talk more on that special order you were talking about!" With that we started the trek home. I entertained Dinky on the way back and helped her with some homework when we got there. By the time that was done dinner was ready and we ate. Derpy had taken the initiative to use our acquired eggs to make a special dish for me, which was immensely appreciated. With a belly full of carbs and protein, a quick brushing of my teeth, and a swift change into my toga-like sleepwear, I settled on my couch to rest up for the next day. I had that formal interview with Dr. Found, an overview on Socrates, Plato, and Ancient Greece with Princess Sparkle, and possibly a- What the hell?

Was there something in the window? What was... Oh! An owl! Lovely night creatures, if not a bit noisy. And apparently clutching a letter... Hogwarts much? Either way the guy seemed incessant on getting in, so I can only assume it was for one of us. I went over to the window, opened it and cautiously let the bird in. If this thing tries to crap on my couch it's got another thing coming to it. The feathered messenger dropped it's cargo on an end table and sat on the mantle, staring expectantly. Giving it a good look, I moved to the paper scroll and unfurled it.




Dear Peter,
Please hurry back over tomorrow, I know you said to read the book slowly and carefully, but I couldn't resist and now I'm in too deep and I don't know what's going on or how to interpret what anyone is saying! It started on a discussion of Justice and then they startedtalkingaboutboatsandpilotsandgymnasticsandgodsandconventionandIcan'tseewhatthepointofanythingisandI'mreallyconfusedsopleasecomequickandhelpme!!!
Signed, Princess Twilight Sparkle




I had to stifle a chuckle reading her frenzied report before quickly writing a response promising to be there in the afternoon, after my meeting with Dr. Found, and advising her to just re-read the first part again and meditate on what the implications of the dialogue are. That should keep her from burning down a rock castle long enough for me to finish my business with the good doctor and move in to give her the tutelage she so craved. I gave the reply to the owl, who stared at me for a good minute. Longer than what I felt was comfortable. Longer than what most people would find comfortable... What do you want, a tip?

The bird seemed to get the hint when I gave it a bit of the stink eye, and flew off. I, satisfied with this development, closed the window after catching what I assume was the rustle of the owl flying through the tree, and went back to bed... couch... I needed a better place to lay my head. I hoped my first paycheck comes soon. Too much longer on this thing and my back was going to go out.
> Chapter 18: Well, That's a Pleasant Surprise
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Peter Williams


Two weeks passed during my tenure as Professor of Politics to the Purple Princess of Ponies, and a few things had come to pass. First my popularity had finally begun to die down. The paparazzi looking for an easy story had move on to fresher prey to pick at, leaving only true human researchers to pick at me. We even found one or two of them, including the illustrious Dr. Found, who could assist in our investigations on the differences between my earthling human body and the local trogs. It was only recently proposed, so no real progress was being made. The new team was getting to know each other, mostly by having hissy fits when comparing each others' notes on humans. Turns out ponies actually knew very little about humans, and most real scientific progress was conjecture based on observation. Princess Twilight had taken it upon herself to try and keep the scientists in order and to my ethical standards. We had to turn two away after they promised to only take a small part of my brain for study.

In other news my stipends were coming in weekly, and they were considerable. After paying for my suit and advances on at least three other outfits from Rarity (who still insisted on a slight discount for a friend), I took to the markets. I was now stocked up on everything I need to do three nights of cooking per week for one month. I figured if I saved up for a few weeks I could buy a decent sized shed for myself and put it in Derpy's backyard. I would have to look into getting furniture and such. And plumbing. And whatever passes for electricity in these parts. Hell, judging by my phone it was just free floating in the air. I'd have to figure that out. Either way Derpy's eyes nearly bulged out when I showed her the sum. I'd have to open a bank account to store it all. I'm was sure that would be an adventure and one half.

The Princess' lessons were progressing well. We managed to do damage control over her advanced reading and actually get through a good bit. I managed to explain how to read the work and she began to read in a new light. We'd just finished The Republic, spending most of our lessons going over the material read the day before. With that done we decided taking a few days off to print a few new books off my phone, so I effectively have a few days off to just lounge around the castle and/or house. I planed use this time to prepare my lessons and relax. While my wrist was getting stronger from the constant need for communication, it still got cramped up for particularly wordy days. I'd even started developing a system of gestures for more simple dialogue to save my hand (and paper) the trouble.

So ultimately, because something enjoys watching me suffer, this little slice of relaxation was interrupted by a rapid series of crashes outside the door. I shot up, throwing on my over shirt as I reached for the knob. I opened it to the sight of a jade green stallion brushing himself off.

He glanced off to the side in an angry glare before grumbling, “Stupid townsponies letting humans just roam around the streets.” He then turned his attention to the doorway and myself. His gaze started at the level one might expect to see a pony's head, then gradually moved its way up my hunched frame before settling at my face. “Ah, right. There you are. You're a Mr. Peter Williams, yes?” He asked. I nodded. “Good. I have been ordered to inform you that your presence is needed at Town Hall. We have received the forms for resident alien status and need them filled out by the applicant in question. Please come with me.” He instructed through barely concealed frustration. I was a little surprised. Those forms had finally come in after two weeks, and I had nearly forgotten we ordered them. Town Hall didn't have any when we went the first time, and they had to special order them. Then it was just a matter of waiting for bureaucracy to work its incredibly slow magic.

Our trip was short and quiet, the way I like them, and we quickly arrived at the second largest building in town, a circular hall with three some-odd stories of floors and a steeple. Like most other buildings in Ponyville it seemed to be built with particular interest in looking cute rather than being effective. As we entered, though, I saw it’s merits in a large auditorium with an overhead loft from which it would be easy to give speeches. Good acoustics, too. nice and echo-y. Could probably put on some decent concerts, too. Cool. We ascended the staircase and entered the offices in the back, casting casual greetings to various aides as we passed. We finally pushed open a pair of large wooden doors into the mayor’s office, where the mare herself sat with another female of the pony species, probably her secretary.

The office was a bit bright red for my taste, but I wasn’t an interior designer either, so what the hell did I know. The desk looked like a nice, rich hardwood, deep brown in color, contrasting the rest of the room and drawing attention to it and it’s occupant. The new mare was a magenta, skinny little thing with a deep green mane. Probably foreign if the few magazines around Derpy’s taught me anything. Ponies come in a delightful variety of shapes and sizes when you start looking around the world. Hell, the ones that live in the desert look like straight up horses. Actually, now that the light’s adjusted she looks more like a fushia. Perhaps a deep pink, not quite red but clearly on that side of the color wheel. God, this was easier when the only sapient beings were all varying shades of brown. Wait, what’s going on? Oh God they’ve been talking! Talking to me! What were they saying? The forms? The forms! Respond damnit! They’re looking at you! Do something!

After an uncomfortable delay, I finally reached out and took the forms with what I hoped was a winning smile. Judging by their sudden cringe it probably was not, but whatever. I let myself simmer down before turning my attention back to the papers in front of me. There was little to remark on the standardized form. Names, country of origin, duration of stay, race, ect. I filled them out in a brief matter of minutes and returned them to the secretary whom had handed them to me. She promptly looked them over, with a few questioning looks, then tucked them away in a folder. 

“Well, with that bit of bureaucracy out of the way,” the mayor said in her pleasant, official tone, “let me be the first to welcome you, Mr. Williams, as an official resident of Ponyville. I hope you find it as good a home as you could hope for, considering the circumstances.” She offered a hoof, which I took and gave a firm shake. It all felt very businesslike, and almost surreal like most of my time so far in Equestria. With a nod and a smile I was escorted out of the building by the aide that had brought me and I departed his company. All in all it was a short visit, and everything went smoothly. I’m pretty sure that secretary shot me a dirty look or too, but I still got a few of those walking around the markets. Some ponies had trouble letting go of some prejudices, and considering almost every other human on the planet is the mental equivalent of a trained rat it’s not hard to see why.

Speaking of the trogs, I seemed to have picked up a straggler at some point. Don’t know why, but I suppose it’s like those situations where a dog just randomly starts following you around, except in my case it was a naked woman. She was probably looking for scraps or something. She’d leave once her underdeveloped brain managed to realize I had no food to give her. She was fairly adamant about following me, though. I first noticed her as I passed the gardening shop that I had flown through a few weeks prior and seen her in the reflection of the newly replaced window. If she had any sort of mind about her I would have guessed she was attempting to be sneaky about her pursuit, but failing horribly. Anytime I passed round a corner, she was four seconds behind me and slowing down as if she had ran to catch up. If it wasn’t for the constant plain, emotionless expression on her face I might have found it endearing. She was kinda cute though. Sorta curly red hair, slim build, freckles, and toned musculature came together to make one attractive woman. If only she had the mind to go with it all… Ah well, men may dream.

As I made my way toward the Castle de Sparkle, as it was closer and I wanted to explore it some more, I saw an opportunity to engage in my new favorite pastime. So, ponies seem to be hypersensitive to music, that is to say, they are affected by music in the same manner that Starbucks affects middle class white girls, they all just have to get involved. My first experience with this was at my ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ mini party, when I decided it would be fun to introduce a little earthling culture by playing a song or two from my phone and the next thing I know Pinkie Pie is leading the town in the Cha-Cha Slide. I had to lay down after that. She was forbidden to touch my phone again. 

Either way it gave me the insight to begin my campaign of minor inconvenience on the local constabulary.  Seeing a few guards approaching my direction on patrol I stopped to lean on the building next to me. As they passed the tune to Imperial March came from my quietly whistling lips. Sure enough, they fell into single file lockstep like good little stormtroopers and moved in tune. Until I switched it up of course. One skipped note was all it took, and suddenly their formation stumbled and fell apart. The best part was they didn’t even know it happened to them. I stifled a chuckle as they gazed at their surroundings, confused. I even heard a near silent giggle from someone out of sight. It was a good day.

Was.

I say was, because that giggle tipped me off on something. You see, the whole ‘trip up the guards with music’ thing was really my own personal pleasure. Ponies, at least outside special exemptions, never noticed these small musical outbursts. Oh, the effect was there, the happiness or somberness of whatever song struck would last, but usually it would seem, at least to the ponies, that whatever happened would have been in normal dialogue. As such, I was the only one who knew about the Imperial March trick. Not even Princess Sparkle seemed to notice, only seeing the guards pass, then inexplicably stumble. I explained the phenomenon to her, and she chalked it away to the relation between earthlings and magic for study later. The issue now was that someone had noticed it. Since ponies couldn’t see it, there had to be anoth-

The girl was covering her mouth.
Her eyes met mine for a moment, full of surprise and terror, before they disappeared around the corner she had followed me from. Immediately I was on the chase. That was not some coincidence or trick of the ear. I know I heard that, and I know it came from her. I just needed to reach her. I’d figure out the next step when it came up. I needed to know, how different was she? Was she just bright enough for some schadenfreude? Or was she on par with me? Maybe smarter? Maybe- god damnit she’s fast!

Left, right, left again, over the cart, around the stallion, under the bridge, She just kept going. The echoes of discontent and frightened ponies faded off behind me as we moved deeper into the town. My stunning lack of fitness was hitting me again, as I moved a hard as my legs were willing to carry me, which was just a little bit slower than the girl. She turned another corner as my lungs burned from overuse. I was almost completely out of juice when I turned a corner and slammed into the back of my target. A brief tumble and exhausted flump to the ground later I heard the cackling. I raised my head to see this alley had not been as empty as the last twelve I’d run through, possessing two earth ponies, a pegasus, and a unicorn, all with shocked but elated looks.

“Well, well, well. What an interesting development.” The unicorn chipped with a nefarious grin, “Drag, wasn’t I just saying how much we could make in the human fighting racket?”

“That you were, Hoop.” one of the earth ponies respond, “What fortune that we should get two just falling in our lap!” Not good. I’d heard about human fighting rings. While illegal, they were like drug dealers, if your town gets big enough, at least one will be operating. The thought of ending up inside of some arena fighting trogs for my life did not sound like a good time, so I slowly backed up until my back ran into the giggle girl. God damnit.

“Wait a sec…” The pegasus drawled, “Ain’t that the princess’ pet or whatever? The smart one that ?” Ha! Connections are an amazing thing to have, and I’ve finally got an in! Just need to play this-

“Could be, but that just makes the profit bigger.” The unicorn smirked at his friend. No! Crazy pony needs to shut up!

“What? We can’t do that, Hoop! The Guard would be on us like a fly on a cowpie!” The pegasus exclaimed. This was a good pony! Listen to this pony!

“We won’t have to worry about that once we have the money from selling these two, Rap. We’ve been talking about splitting this one horse town anyway right? This is our shot!” The unicorn argued back. Sush, stupid pony, your ironic statements are not appreciated!

“Woah, like tonight?” the other earth pony chimed in, “I dunno, Hoop. This all feels like it’s happening a bit fast.” Good, rational arguments should win the day.

“Don’t be such a wuss, Goldie. We’ve been talking about it for ages, so let’s do it! just get around them.” Whelp, so much for reason. Time to run! 

I bolted up, taking the girl’s hand, and burned the last fumes in my legs with a great leap towards the back of the alley, bowling over the pair that had been encircling us. With a fire in my belly I didn’t know I had, I flung the girl onto my back and sprinted back to Derpy’s house, flinging the door open and tossing the girl onto the couch as I barred the door. The girl introduced herself as Zelda, she was intelligent as me, and in fact a big admirer. She had been following me to try to figure out how to introduce herself, but was too nervous to talk to me. We got to know each other, and fell in love. We got married in the spring of the following year, bearing two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly and we were so very very happy until a blinding flash of cold water suddenly hit my face-

> Chapter 19: Adventure is for Chumps
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter Williams

With a desperate gasp for air I jerked away from the torrent of icy cold water. I briefly tried to say something before the babble from my mouth reminded me I was currently effectively mute. One glance at my surroundings told me I was in a cage, in a tent, and surrounded by trogs, also in cages, also in a tent. Annnd I was naked. Fuckers stole my clothes. The little giggle girl was nowhere to be seen. I looked for the culprit of who hit me with the water, fully expecting to see some large, burly stallion with a sneer, but instead only found bucket of water that had overturned from the stool next to my it had been precariously placed on.

So… Captured… That’s new. Captured and likely to be pitted against various trogs in contests of force for the amusement of the ner-do-well population of Equestria. That is not an appealing fate. Let’s see, how to get out… The door looks like some kind of up-sized cat carrier setup, so that should be easy, but how to get out of the camp? Hmm… Options… First step would be finding my clothes, then wrecking the day of whoever thought it was a good idea to put me in here. My personal honor has been besmirched, and I shan't let it continue unabashed. I hunched over my cage door and began fiddling with the latch on the other side. The trogs seemed to have some mild interest in me, but kept to themselves mostly.

The door swung open after a few seconds of tinkering and I took a step into freedom. I made a brief, silent search of the room before finding a few dingy towels I could use to cover myself, but no clothes. For the better, I guess, if they were stored in here who knows what kind of condition they’d be in? I’ll have to venture out into the camp and search. Before I go, however…

The trogs were nice and docile as their cages hung open, probably got fed just a little bit before I awoke… Wait, where was my meal? Cheapskates. Probably wasn’t any good, anyway. The trogs would get more active in a bit and in the flurry of ponies trying to control them I could make my escape. For now, pants.

I peeked out of the tent and saw it was evening, and not many guards about. What few were there seemed to be relaxing with a bottle of what was probably alcohol. I could go for some of that right now… There were a few tents strewn about with a large one in the center where cries and cheers were coming from. Probably the fighting pit. Not a good time. I lowered myself to the ground and crawled into the open, moving slowly as to minimize the chance to be seen. As I got away from the tent and closer to the inebriated ponies, I recognized two of them from the group that had captured me and giggle girl. They seemed to be passing around a bottle of questionable substance. I’ll just assume by their vague looks and gentle sway it was not apple juice.

“So I told him ‘hey, isn't that the Princess’ human?’ and Hoop was all like ‘more money for us’.  Like it was some easy cash grab.” The Pegasus apparently just finished the tale, “Humph. I don't like it. Princess Sparkle is smart. She'll figure out who took him, and it's only a matter of time before she starts to hunt us down. We’d have to be halfway to the Griffin Empire by sun up to have a chance at getting away, and here we are, waiting on paperwork.” He was clearly disgruntled at the current state of affairs.

“Yeah, we should have made a break hours ago. Can’t spend money in a Royal Guard dungeon.”  His friend, one of the earth ponies, added.

One of the unrecognized ponies took his turn to speak, “Well, I dunno what we’re gonna do with that supposedly smart one anyway, Potter, or was-it-called.

“Peter, I think.” His friend corrected.

“Whatever, it’s don’t look like it can fight much, and I’m skeptical about his supposed intelligence. Ain’t never had a conversation with a human. Probably wouldn’t have much to say anyway.”

“Doesn't matter what you think about him. It's the Princess you should be afraid of. The human might be smart or not, hell the thing bashed it's head on the drainage pipe coming out of the carpeting store when he saw us in the alley. Saved us a lot of trouble that it fell on the girl one” I flushed with embarrassment and indignation as the story was told. Well shit. There goes my street cred, what little I had.

“I dunno what we’re gonna do with its clothes.” one of the ring workers said, nudging a basket with What I assume was my pants and shirt. TARGET AQUIRED. “They’re too distinctive to just pawn off on some rich dolt. It's too recognizable, leaves too much of a trail. Maybe we can just hold on to them. Givem’ as a prize for the next champ. Let that poor sucker deal with it.” Those pricks! That suit was a Rarity original! Top of the line stuff! And they were just going to hock it off on some trog who couldn’t even appreciate it’s quality craftsmanship!? A pox upon them, I say! I’ll sort this about! I clandestinely moved towards the group, hiding as best I could in the growing shadows of twilight. 

Before I got close the Pegasus stood up, stretching his wings and wobbling slightly, “I've gotta hit the can. This stuff goes straight through me.” 

“I'll go too.” chimed on one of the ring operators, also standing, “Been brewing up a load since those tacos at brunch.”

“Dude, we did not need to hear that.” His fellow member chuckled as they walked off. That left two. I crawled closer and waited for my chance to strike. The grass was itchy, and I really wanted to get my shirt back. I lied still none the less, planning the best approach to make. Even with the other two gone, I don’t think I could take them in a stand up, knock down fight. I might need to distract the-

“So… fifteen hundred bits.” The ring worker interrupted my train of thought.

“That’s per human, so three thousand in total, split four ways, so… a little over seven hundred for each of us, then we split town.” The earth pony corrected.

“Right, right. Still, three thousand bits is a big sum for folks just getting in the business. Some ponies might take a little offence.”

“Well, they are pretty high quality, so I’d say it’s earned.”

“Of course, no doubt about that. But the truth is often obscured by opinion, and there are some fellas who’ve been working in this outfit for a few years who haven’t seen that kind of money. They’re usually losing it all in bets, but they’re probably upset none the less.”

“So? We get paid, and they never have to see us again, so with the time pushing on us, I really don’t care how they feel.”

“You probably should, friend. Some of them are in charge of human collection, some in disposal…” The worker stands, taking an aggressive stance as my captor begins to shrink in fear, “And some of them are simple guards.” With that statement the worker leaps across the fire and tackles the earth pony. “Three thousand bits! Three thousand! And little shits like you think we’re just going to hand that over!?”

In failing resistance the earth pony pushes against his opponent, “But your boss sai-” A hoof was quickly shoved against his throat.

“There’s been a change in management.” The cruelty in the worker’s voice sent a chill down my back, and honestly, even though he was part of the group that had captured me, watching the life slowly drain from his face was kinda fucking with my head. With my potential observers occupied, I quickly concocted a plan to retrieve my clothes and possibly gain some information. Slowly creeping forward I raised from the ground. Adopting the good ol’ fashioned combat stride, my hand clasped the bottle of liquid that had been passed around earlier. I gave it a good once over, just to make sure. Good thickness, a little transparent, neck was a decent enough length for a one and one half hand grip, and- oo! A little bit of the stuff was left! I gave the contents a good sniff… Smells like… coconut rum. Interesting. I gave it a swig and felt a familiar burn in my throat before closing in in my target.

The fire that had been the center of conversation cast my shadow across the struggling pair, giving the worker only the barest hints of danger before the bottle crashed down on his head, right between the ears. I was concerned for the possibility the earth pony might endure the blow and give me my comeuppance, but fortunately he immediately crumpled on top of my former captor, a light trickle of blood appearing between his ears. The other pony then pushed the unconscious one to the side and stood, careful of the broken glass, while panting heavily. As his breath returned to him his gazed drifted upwards until it fell on my amused face.

“T-thanks…” He gasped. I nodded in return, followed by a quick gesture that he should remain sitting where he was. The fact I did it with the broken bottle in my hand was all the convincing he needed. I grabbed my clothes and quickly got into a more civilized state of dress. The shirt was dirty, if not a little tattered from rough handling. The pants might be salvageable if Rarity takes a look at it soon. My belt was thankfully intact, and my shoes were only mildly scuffed.

With my clothing returned to me I turned back to the earth pony, who had obediently stayed put. I approached him and crouched down, setting aside the bottle and picking up a stick. I scribbled as best I could in the dirt without further ruining my ensemble.




Where are we?




“W-well, we’re a little into White Tail Woods. It’s a little close to the Everfree Forest, but that just means the guard doesn’t look here as hard.” He pointed a shaky hoof over my shoulder at a thicket of trees, “That way’s to Ponyville, so y-you can just go on home.” I could. I could just walk away. Turn back and put this whole experience behind me. Hell, that’s probably what I should do. But the girl… The redhead that giggled. She was here because of me. I chased her, for legitimate reasons, of course, and got us both captured. If she was intelligent, dare I say sapient, then she would be in serious trouble. I should go get the guard. Princess Twilight Get the actual police force out here and break everything up, then we can-

My mind flashed to an article in the paper I read a week after I got here.




 A fight between two humans took a surprising turn just two days ago in our own market square. It appeared one of them had been hungry and was prepared to attack a group of passersby when the second human moved to intervene. Both humans reportedly survived the brawl, but neither owners were available for interview. The defending human was taken to the local veterinary clinic for treatment, but the instigator escaped when the guard tried to routinely put it down. Locals are asked to be wary of a potentially dangerous human roaming the streets with the descriptors of




‘When the guard tried to routinely put it down’...

They were going to kill them. Humans routinely trained to fight and kill anything put in front of them? Too dangerous to let live. Given their opinion on how humans ought to be treated, they wouldn’t bother to differentiate hostile and domesticated ones in the chaos. Fucking hell… What to do what to do…

I sighed and wrote out another message.



Where is the girl you brought me in with?



The stallion read it and said, “Oh, her? She was a little small, so they decided to put her in the early shows to get the crowd warmed up. I think she is in the ring right now” He pointed off to the side, towards the big tent. God Damnit. God Fucking Damnit. I could leave right now, but could I live with just leaving her to a most likely gruesome fate?

…

…

…

Fucking honor, always getting my ass into trouble. I stood and sprinted towards the tent. I vaguely heard the stallion run off to help his friend, likely under attack like he was just briefly ago. From within the tent I could hear cries of pain, victory, rage, and disappointment. The sounds of money lost on gambles that should have been sure things, and small fortunes won by strategic victors. The proverbial lion’s den, except I wasn’t being thrown in… I paused at the entrance, stealing my courage for whatever events were to unfold.

I should've held onto that liquor.

My hesitation erased, however, as a feminine cry of suffering emitted from beyond the canvas flaps. Once more cursing my own foolish nature, I peeled open the curtain and slipped in. None noticed me, all attention split between the ring itself and the gambling booth on the far side. The ring itself was considerably smaller than one might expect, but given the mobile nature of this establishment, I suppose it was excusable. About four humans could comfortably fit in it and have some space for themselves. That space was currently occupied by three unmoving bodies and two very quickly moving ones. My height gave me a viewpoint over the crowd to see a large brute and… giggle girl. A very exhausted, bloodied giggle girl, but giggle girl none the less. Holding two parts of what looked like a broken broom handle, both tips of wood coated in crimson fluids. I would need to make a plan to get us out of here. Can’t fight through this hoard. Wouldn’t be able to get her out of the ring with all this attention on it… Distract and divert. Maybe set fire to the tent? Ponies seem easy to put into a panic, maybe I could… 

Wow, she is really good with those. Dodge, thrust, dodge, distance. Very precise, thoughtful attacks. Planned and executed with cold calculation. If there were any doubts about her intelligence, they were gone now. Definitely needed to have a chat with her… if I ever got my voice back of course… Still need to figure that out. Back on topic! I need to get a distraction going to scatter these crooks like chicke-

ATTENTION! THIS IS THE ROYAL GUARD OF PONYVILLE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOVES WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!

… Well fuck me too…

It did the trick, though. As soon as the call was finished all the ponies in the tent scrambled to get outside in what the likely hoped was the direction the guard was not sitting in, equally likely in vain. I decided to capitalize on the opportunity and waded my way through the pandemonium towards the ring. The brute and the girl only vaguely recognized the shift in atmosphere, each a constant threat to the other. Her opponent was bleeding profusely now, and if he wasn’t ill before the new wounds would undoubtedly be infected by cross contamination. The girl was tired, though, and likely couldn’t pull off another series of blows like she had before.

At the edge of the ring I saw a number of short spears sitting in a barrel, probably to be used in case a human gets too violent toward the guests after finishing an opponent. Looking down and seeing the girl be slowly backed into the wall under me, I grasped one of the spears. I would have to kill him. I didn’t want to, but he was threatening my mission objective, and the closest thing to a comrade I had at the moment. He looked like a trog, but so did the other one, all those weeks ago, before I had spared him. That wouldn’t be an issue this time. Trog or no, he had to be dealt with, and time was not on the side of mercy. My moment came.

I jumped.

I struck. 

I landed.

I stood to see the brute howl in pain before turning to bore into my soul, spear jutting out of a bulky shoulder. Hmm. That was not part of the plan. Oh, and now the pants were officially ruined. That was too bad. I liked these pants. And being alive…

My interlude to the sweet embrace of death via angry roid monster was put to an abrupt end when the beast jerked up, and suddenly fell before my feet, a certain red-headed maiden riding his back with a death grip in the stake plunged into his medulla oblongata. We both stood and looked down at the dead man. Then to each other. Before any cliche’ pseudo-romantic gazing could occor the frantic screaming above us alerted me to the continuing crisis. I grabbed her arm and gave a sharp jerk and point in an “let’s get the hell out of Dodge” gesture. She nodded in understanding and we made our way back to the wall, where I knelt down and folded my hands over my knee in what, in the Corps, we had called ‘the boosty maneuver’. She stepped up and used be as a platform as I rose to push her over the edge.

I watched her form disappear over the wall and realized just how much faith I was putting into a person I had literally just met. That was a poor decision on my part, I mean, what if she thought I was crazy and just left me here to die, or decided to huck the other sears at me, or didn’t- oh, there she was. She had gone to grab a rope! Of course! Her arms were too short to pull me up. Silly Peter, getting worked up over nothing. Was that the cry of a pony getting stunned? I best go. I shimmied up the rope and clambered over the top, where the crowd of panicked ponies had thinned a bit. My comrade tugged me to the side toward a relatively vacant corner of the tent. The guardsponies began to enter the tent on the opposite side, putting a little more humph in my giddyup. We reached the side and , after my partner peeked out to verify the coast was clear, we slipped  into the camp.

And into a group of gathered humans, a few of them from the cages I had left open, others not. I instinctively gave a nod of recognition, and too my surprise a shorter, gruff looking human in the group grunted and nodded in response. From there we were off, making our way toward the forest, dodging patrols and running  around brawls between guards and crooks. Briefly after we hit the treeline, though, I became aware of a shouting match occurring not far behind.

“They’re getting away! We have to secure those humans!”

“Are you nuts!? That’s the Everfree Forest! No way I’m going in there!”

“Don’t you give me that! After them!”

“They’ve already passed the Poison Joke field! Any further and we’ll…”

The voices faded after that. Once we were a good distance away I felt like I could catch my breath. I slowed down and leaned against a nearby tree, wheezing and coughing. Wow that took it out of me… Maybe I just need some water, didn’t really hydrate for all this activity… Damn my head is spinning. Heat exhaustion, you old cad you, I thought I left you behind in boot. Is it getting darker? Well it was dusk when we started, so I suppose that would make, oh- no, that’s too dark… This is definitely too much dark. Ah, that felt like a bloody cough. Not so good for me… Oh, my fellow escapees. So lovely of you to join me.

“The pollen is doing it’s work, but we can’t take him now.”

W-wha

“I shall draw some of the horse-folk near to find him. I saw the purple one among the golden warriors.” One of the indistinct forms vanished.

Finally my vision fully blacked out. As unconsciousness took me for what I would later feel was far too often for the average man, I felt a vaguely familiar rumble in my throat, forming a very distinct pattern.

> Chapter 20: Singing in the Rain Gets You Sick
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

So my dreams have been fairly standard for me for the past few weeks, you know, surreal, yet grounded in reality. Just with ponies. That kind of stuff. So I wasn't shocked or concerned when I realized the chair I was in wasn't just a rocking chair, but a captain's rocking chair. I was also wearing a fancy captain's hat, and was rocking in front of a table. All seemed well. Should probably inspect the deck. Go on an adventure. Sounds like it's raining. Fun. 

A flash of lightning and suddenly there appears a large deep purple pony before me. Almost blue, I think. No, probably blue. Dark-grayish blue. Also, she was big and and alicorn.  I don't think I'd seen a pony like this one before. She was wearing a cloak of some sort, hiding her cutie mark. She had a mysterious air about her... This was new... 

"So this is the dream of a human..." The figure said, looking about the cabin, "Fascinating..."

"Well, I am from another world." I said, standing from my chair, trying to look impressive. I'm not entirely sure it worked. The figure regarded me with curiosity.

"Indeed your mind would appear to be... substantially different from even pony dreams. I find it hard to sustain my presence here, as if some force is attempting to retch control." The cloaked mare looked about, searching for the invisible force.

"Oh sorry." I said, "That's me. I was trying to change you into a more human form, but you really aren't a product of my dream. You must be Princess Luna, Ruler of the Night, so I've been told."

"My reputation proceeds me, I see." The mare bowed, allowing her cloak to fade away, revealing her crescent moon cutie mark and be-speckled space mane/tail combo. Lightning flashed behind her in a dramatic flare that often occurs in my dreams. Four years of high school drama does things to a guy. "And I am told you are Equestria's newest citizen."

"Resident alien, technically." I corrected, "And to what do I owe the pleasure of this audience in my own mind?" I asked with only a small bit of bite, to let her know I had opinions about her abilities. If she detected it she showed no sign, as she strode forward regally.

"While I normally reserve this ability to quell the terrors that haunt my subjects' dreams, I am here for a twofold purpose. First I am here to meet with you personally, an opportunity that has been denied to me due to pressing duties in Canterlot. Second, I am here to inform you of your current condition." She charged up a spell, only for it to fizzle out. She tried again, only for similar results.

"Opps!" I jumped slightly, "Sorry, that was me again." I loosened my grasp on my dream some more, the alien sensation of having another consciousness in my head making for a sort of queasy, yet cool feeling. Like being drunk and chewing on peppermint gum. With my control relinquished the princess' magic flared up, producing a fairly flat cloud, upon which images began to appear. It looked like a hospital room, but a little more colorful. I was laying in a surprisingly  me-sized bed, with advice posters on the wall and even a few-

God damnit they took me to the vet again. Don't get me wrong, Sweet Touch is a fine doctor in her own right, and after our last farewell I'd like to think of her as a friend, but seriously! It's just the... indignity... Oh! But I do have my clothes this time! That's good.

"According to Twilight you were recovered from the edge of the Everfree Forest." She narrated, "From there she and the Royal Guard on scene discussed about how to proceed before Dr. Sweet Touch intervened, saying she already had a medical file for you and had you brought to her clinic. Since then you have been under her watch for several hours. I understand a Mrs. Hooves and her daughter have been at your side for some time."

Derpy and Dinky are good folks. I should apologize for all the trouble I've caused them. Wait... "What about the humans?" I queried.

"Pardon?" The princess countered.

"The humans that escaped into the Everfree. Did anyone see where they went?" I pressed. The images shifted back to when I was recovered. I was lying against a tree alone.

"I'm afraid the Royal Guard was too busy dealing with the more hostile humans and their handlers to chase any too deep into the forest. A few wanted to investigate, but they had to be brought back." The images changed and shifted to reflect her words. The head of the group of guards looked familiar. Couldn't place it, but I know I'd seen him before... Strange... My thoughts were interrupted by the alicorn, "If that is all, my little human, I'm afraid I must return to my duties, and bid you farewell." She trotted backwards to put some distance between us.

"Alright. Goodbye, Princess. Here's to hoping to meet you in the waking world." I said. She smiled and nodded before rearing up in sync with another lightning strike before slamming onto the deck, her robe collapsing onto the floor.

... She straight up Obi-Wan Kenobi'ed be...

Awesome.

It was at this point the dream decided to continue, with the door of my cabin being slammed open by First Mate Dinky.

"Sir! Enemy ship off to starboard! She's coming into range!" She cried.

I stood tall, straightening my coat and captain's hat before striding out into the storm. I looked over my crew, all familiar faces. My trusted Lieutenants, Sparkle and Hooves, along with a hearty crew of friends, all fighting the elements to keep the ship on course. She was a fine ship too, finest frigate in the Navy. Her sails no doubt put fear in the hearts of any and all sailors who gazed upon their sigil, a bright red hand. I strode over to the side deck and spotted our quarry. It was a vessel nearly matched to our size, bearing a golden crest upon it's banners. It was harassing a smaller ship, a sloop from our fleet that had been tossed a bit from the storm raging above. We closed in on our target, before I bellowed my commands.

"Turn About! Prepare for broadside, starboard!" I watched as the sailors whirled into motion as the ship pitched to the side and cannon was made ready. I then felt a firm grasp on my shoulder. Felt it... Like, not as a part of the dream, but-

"You best be careful, friend." A distinctly familiar voice whispered, "I took that voice for a reason, best not go too crazy with it."

"FIRE!" Bellowed Lieutenant Sparkle, and the cannon roared to life.





I shot up in shock as the thunder outside my window struck, immediately flaring soreness in my chest. I groaned and laid back down, feeling my throat rumble. Sure enough the room, though dark, was just as was revealed in the dream. It was an exam room in the vet's clinic, though it looked like some alterations had been made for me. Ahh, doc. Though our initial meeting was... awkward... you've been a good friend. A throbbing pain not dissimilar to a bad hangover raged in my head cut short more pleasant thoughts, though.

"Jesus Christ, someone get the number of the fuck wagon that rode me to shit town..." I reached over to to a glass of water kindly left by the bedside and took a gentle sip while nursing the pain in my...

Wait...

"WHAT!?" A raspy, but familiar voice emerged from my mouth, "My voice! I can talk! I got my voice back!" I gave a great cheer and began to jump, before pain shot through my body once more. "AHHG! Fucking pig snorting Bastard that hurts! Jesus, Mary, and fucking Joseph! God Damnit!" I petered out into ball of groaning pain before letting my head slump to the side...

And saw two princesses, Derpy, and Dinky, whose ears were covered, standing in the doorway of a lit hallway, staring in shock. My internal and new/old external voice spoke in perfect harmony.

"Oh, fuck me."

Several minutes later the ponies had managed to process what had happened, get me some painkillers, and and sat around me once I had calmed down. Mostly. The whole 'I can talk!' thing still had me on a pretty good high, which was being passed on through to the ponies. They really are empathetic little creatures.

"Lessons will be so much better now!" Princess Sparkle cried.

I chuckled, "Yes, and I can save a bundle on ink, paper, and chalk." My voice was still raspy, and would probably stay that way until it was properly broken in, still, it was better than growls and chirps. Once it patched itself up there would be great celebrations indeed. I tried singing a scale, but my tones were still flat and toneless.

"I'm sure Pinkie will want to throw a party to celebrate this." the princess smiled warmly, "Is there anything in particular you'd like?"

I thought for a bit... "Derpy and Dinky, of course." I sort of said, sort of coughed. The two nodded emphatically to show support. "And really whoever Pinkie wants. She missed out on throwing me a proper 'Pinkie Pie party'. I think I'll be up for it in a few days." 

The princess beamed at my response. "That's great. I'll tell her in the morning, and she'll probably have it ready by the afternoon if I let her, but I'll tell her to take a few days to get it just right for you."

"Sounds good." 

"I love that we can hold a regular conversation now." Derpy piped in, "All the pauses to wait for your responses got really tiring."

"Was it really that bad?" I asked.

"We didn't want to say, but it made talking really boring." Dinky answered for her mother, who gave her a scornful gaze, "Sorry..."

I chuckled, "It's okay, Dinky. I get it."

"I can honestly say that I am very excited to see what this new development will bring, Mr. Williams." The other Princess stepped forwards, causing everyone else to jump to the side to make room.

"Me too, Princess Celestia. I don't know how this will play out, but I definitely have a few things to work on." I leaned back, thinking over the newest developments in my life.

"And what is that?" She queried.

"Well, for one, I need to move up the date for Dr. Found's expedition into the Everfree. I now know that there is at least one group of intelligent humans there, and they are close." I let the surprised gasps die down and the subsequent prys for more before speaking again, "One was spying on me when we were kidnapped, then her friends helped get us away from that carnival of horrors. I know I heard them speak. What they said is blurry, but I know they spoke."

"Fascinating." Princess Sparkle muttered, rubbing her chin and clearly making plans of her own, "We should move up our human studies projects as well. We have everypony on our team picked out, so we should get underway soon."

"Right. We can get on that as soon as I'm up and mobile." I chuckle/coughed again, "Imagine the team's surprise when they get the opportunity to work with a real talking human!"

We all shared a good laugh before Dr. Sweet Touch, who had managed to ninja her way into the room moved up, "Yes, I'm sure it will be hilarious. Really, Mr. Williams, if you keep this kind of behavior up I'm going to have to put a room on standby for you."

"Sorry, doc." I gave a shameful smile to her, "I swear I'd avoid it if I had a choice in the matter. Despite popular belief, I don't like to be in pain."

"Could have fooled me," she responded with a gentle smile, "but in all seriousness, you need some bed rest. We didn't find any major injuries, thank goodness, but you should still sleep. We'll give you a final checkup before you go tomorrow morning."

I nodded, "Alright, you guys heard the doctor. Everybody out and let me rest. My voice is starting to grate my throat, anyway." I started to shoo them away, before I found a small sort-of purple unicorn wrapping her hooves as far around me as they could reach.

"We were really worried about you, Mr. Williams." Dinky's voice warbled from my chest. I responded by gently stroking her mane, reassuring her I wasn't leaving her. Derpy and Princess Sparkle looked on with concern as well as the child continued, "When you didn't come home, we were scared you'd really gotten hurt, and when Princess Twilight told us you'd been kidnapped I was so scared." I felt her shake a few sobs out. Wow. Now I felt like a dick. I chased the red haired girl. I'd gotten us kidnapped and thrown into the fighting ring. It was really all my fault. Damnit.

"It's alright, Dinky." I rattled in my straining voice, "Everything's okay. I'm right here." We stayed like that for a few minutes until the little unicorn cried herself to sleep, where Derpy took her and whispered that they'd be back in the morning to pick me up with a fresh set of clothes. I nodded and said my thanks for everyone coming out for me as they were escorted out of the room. Dr. Sweet Touch nodded to me and said goodnight before closing the door, leaving me to lay my head down with raging thoughts and the gentle sound of rain pattering on my window to lull me back into the realms of sleep.





My sleep was dreamless for the remainder of the evening, and I was awoken by Nurse Soft Heart, who had brought a fresh cup of water and a small stack of doughnuts. Kind mare, she was. Kind mare. I hoarsely thanked her, causing an amusing jump and a few chuckles. She left me to get the clinic ready for the day, so I spent the morning eating breakfast while gazing out my window in thought. I had a lot more to do now. Before it was politics and philosophy classes with Twilight, and the occasional lab exam on the side, but now... The humans in the Everfree change everything.

How to proceed... Definitely need to make contact again, preferably under less... murdery circumstances. Meanwhile we also should step up our research on the local humans. It was just going to be a pet project of mine, but the chance of sentient humans living among us was too high to ignore. Either more humans were popping over from Earth than just Richard and I, or something was causing local humans to rise to something above the troglodytes I initially thought of them as. So, expeditions into the forest where I have almost died twice, on top of kick starting a major scientific endeavor. Neat. Okay, one thing at a time. I can leave the sciency stuff in the capable hooves of Princess Sparkle and our new team of researchers. I just need to make sure they're not sticking things in places they ought not every now and again.

The expeditions, then. Right. Into the forest. Right... I really didn't want to go back in there. I swear if I saw another manticore in my whole life, it would be one too many. Still, if those dangers in the trees hid a society of humans stable enough to send infiltrators into pony society, then it might be worth the effort. There were so many possibilities... Too many to ignore... 

Damnit. I have to go in there.

Okay, so equipment. First off, I'm getting a crew, with guards. No way am I getting caught unprepared again. Need a weapon, durable, but breathable clothes, rations. Camping equipment is a must, no telling how long we'll be in there. Tents, matches, mess kit, maybe even some- ARE THOSE THE CRUSADERS FLYING AT MY-

"SHIT FUCK!" I quickly ducked to the side, just as four frightened fillies flew fabulously through my fucking window, launched from their just-crashed wagon. My swift action saved me any extra care, but the groaning from the pile of small ponies in the center of the room quickly drew my attention. "Jesus Christ, kids, are you okay!?" my voice was still raspy and cracked, but my concern was carried none the less. They groaned an affirmative as Soft Heart rushed back into the room. 

"What in Equestria is wrong with you girls!?" She cried. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked sufficiently shamed as Applebloom stepped forward.

"Ahm sorry, Mrs. Soft Heart. We jus' heard Mr. Williams was doin' better an wanted to visit him before he went home, but then the turtle was in the road, and Scoots was goin' too fast-"

"No Excuses!" The nurse shouted the filly into silence, "Look at this mess! And you probably scared Mr. Williams half to death."

"You can say that again. Just glad I don't have my pants yet." I grunted. 

The nurse turned a harsh look my direction before returning to the children, "You three will stay here and clean up this mess while your sisters come to pick you up, then you are going to apologize to Mr. Williams. Then I'm going to have a talk with your sisters about how you all will work off that window you broke." Wow, she really was laying into them. Glad I wasn't on the receiving end of that. Maybe I should just reduce my current involvement. I slowly sidestepped out of the room as Soft Heart continued her rant, gently closing the door behind me, Where I found Dr. Sweet Touch trotting down the hallway.

"Ah, good morning, Peter!" She greeted, "Did that crash just come from your room?"

"Yeah, it did." I answered.

The mare sighed, "What did you break now?"

"Nothing! Why would you think it was me!?" I asked in indignation.

"Well, who else could it be?" She calmly responded. I opened the door to allow her to see Soft Heart as she finished scolding. Upon seeing the fillies she just sighed again, apologized, and went along. It wasn't as surprising as one might think, I'd been here the better part of a month and had heard all about those little girls and their chaotic habits. We made our way to the front of the clinic, where I sat, humming to myself. I asked the good doctor for a cup of tea and honey, since my time in high school theater had taught me it's curative properties on the throat. We sat at the front, lightly chatting over tea and coffee, until Derpy came in around nine.

"Good morning, everypony, how are you all doing?" She asked

"Pretty well, Ms. Doo." I said, though it still sounded a bit like a growl, "Could have gone without the terrible threesome nearly giving me a heart attack, but I'm back on my feet, and I can talk, so my day is starting pretty well, all things considered."

She gave me a gentle smile, "Oh dear, they didn't try their trick with the wagon again, did they?"

"Well, this time they're not covered in tree sap, and all it will cost them is a broken window this time." We shared a light chuckle.

"Did you bring my clothes?" I asked. I was very eager to actually get everything back.

"Yes, I brought one of Rarity's latest ones. She said they should be more comfortable now that she's gotten more used to your proportions." She dropped the bag on her back to the floor and retrieved the clothes, even bringing out a new set of durable-looking shoes.

"Well, happy day!" I almost shouted, though coming out it sounded more like a cough, "What about my old stuff?"

"Rarity said she would do what she could, but..." the pegasus looked down disappointingly, "I'm afraid she doesn't think she can really fix it and make it look good."

"That's alright." I chuckled, "I wanted it more for sentimental value anyway. That shirt has seen me through some rough times recently." She perked up and I quickly got changed in a bathroom. After a change that would make Superman look twice, Derpy walked up to the front desk, "Dr. Touch, I hate to be in a hurry, but Dinky wanted to make a coming home meal for Peter, and while I don't think she could burn the house down with a fruit salad, I really should get back." The good doctor nodded and handed me the paperwork I had put off until my roommate/landlady arrived. As I sat down and filled it out, we saw the the crusaders being led out of the office, having cleaned the mess the made and looking thoroughly chastised. As they left, though, I spied through the door a tell tale glint of golden armor. The Guard... Probably wanted question me on the events of my little adventure. I quickly finished my paperwork and turned it all in before approaching the door. I paused to collect my thoughts and prepare myself. Showtime. Derpy walked out the door with me in tow when, sure enough, the guardspony made a beeline straight for us.

"Excuse me, Mis. Hooves, Mr. Williams? I need to speak with you both." He spoke in a softer tone than most of the other guards we've shared words with. He's probably a new recruit.

I stepped forward passed Derpy and cleared my throat, "I'll be happy to answer any questions you might have, officer." I took no small amusement at the guard's shocked face. Yeah, that's right. This Mr. Ed shit is happening, real life, real time. I basked in this profound awe for a minute before striding forward, "Come on, we can chat over breakfast, or at least on the way there." And so, with stunned pony in tow, Derpy and I crossed town to home. "So, how much do I need to cover?" I asked, turning so I could make sure the guard heard me.

"Everything and everything you can remember. A good number of culprits were caught, but at least some slipped through." Ah, yes. My kidnappers-turned-victims. I actually kind of hoped they were doing well. But more important matters at hand.

"What about the humans?" My voice graveled out. I focused on the conversation, but that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy the startled looks of the odd passerby.

"Well, the ones that could be returned to their owners were taken back." The gold armored stallion answered.

"And the rest?" I pressed him.

"Well... the Guard usually has ex-fighting strays... put down... but this time there was a change of plan." The guard trotted up to my side so I could see him, "Princess Twilight said she would take them all on. She's even converting a small section of her castle into a sort of pound for stray humans." I raised my eyebrows in genuine surprise, "I know, right? I would have thought she'd turn them over to Applejack, since she already runs her own little human ranch, but then she mentioned trying some tests on them. Everything made sense at that point."

I shared a chuckle with the guardspony, "Yeah, she is a bit over the top with her science stuff. Took me two hours to convince her that a standard mouth thermometer was more than enough to get my temperature." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Derpy, content to walk and listen to us talk, blush and giggle as well. "I'm surprised the guard captain let her get away with that. Every time I've seen that guy he seemed to be a bit more than eager to put down any human in sight."

"Oh, he didn't." I saw a cheeky grin split the stallion's face, "Captain High Rise demanded that all the humans recovered to be put down, but Princess Twilight countermanded him.  He threw a fit and tried to say that his authority came from the Princess herself, but she ordered him to go back to Canterlot. He put up a fight at first, but then she threatened to write Princess Celestia personally, and that got him to shut up. Some of the guards from Canterlot tried to speak up for him, but they got the stiff treatment as well. It was pretty funny."

"I'm surprised you'd talk about your own Captain like that..." I said, eyebrow raised.

The pegasus guard barked out a laugh, "Ha! That windbag isn't my CO. He really did get shipped back to Canterlot, along with the rest of his cronies. Princess Twilight told Princess Celestia she would be drawing new guards directly from Ponyville!" He suddenly trotted ahead of Derpy and I before turning about and pulling up his helmet, "I'm actually surprised you guys didn't recognize my voice!" As the helmet rose the orange-ish coat underneath revaled-

"Sea Breeze!?" Derpy cried suddenly, giving me a jump, "Wha- You- You're a Guard now!?" 

"Yup," The pegasus chirped, "Part of the first group to be inducted by Princess Sparkle, with the approval of Mayor Mare herself!"

I gave the little pegasus an approving nod, "Congratulations." He beamed back at me with pride. I recognized that look before. The innocence. The motivation. The hope to make a change. He was the most adorable little Boot I'd ever seen. "This day is just full of surprises."

Sea Breeze, now Officer Breeze I supposed, replaced his helmet and we continued down the road, "Yes well, I still need your story on how everything played out that night."

"Oh, yeah. Right." I should probably get back to that. I cleared my throat, "So I was on my way to Princess Sparkle's castle, minding my own business, when..."