Pinkie Pie is Related to WHO?!?
This scroll is a liar. That’s the only rational explanation. It’s a liar liar mane on fire.
The offending scroll lay on the ground where Twilight Sparkle had thrown minutes before, a spot of mess and chaos in what was for the moment a tidy ecosystem of clean, wholesome books.
That scroll wasn’t clean and wholesome though. Oh no. It was a jerk. Twilight was a princess, and if she decreed that something was a jerk, who was anyone else to argue? I claim this scroll fraudulent and banish it into the twilight between Sun and Moon. …Although I’ve never tried to banish anything before. What if it goes wrong, and I banish MYSELF into the twilight? Where does one even go when you’re in twilight? It's not a physical place like the sun or the moon, so…
From the library door a small cough pulled Twilight out of her tangential thinking and back into the now. The now that included a scroll that was a liar and a jerk that should be banished to an undetermined location within the twilight.
As Spike stood in the library’s doorway, he noticed two things. One, today was re-sorting day but the only thing out of place was a single scroll. By now Twilight should be making the books dance to her whims and attempting to craft the most masterful sorting system known to librarian kind. A break in the weekly ritual was unexpected. It wasn’t like Twilight to miss out on a scheduled re-sorting.
However, it was the Alicorn’s face when she turned around that stopped Spike in his tracks. Twilight’s hair was in complete disarray, her eyeballs mere pinpricks. Her check barely rose when she breathed but made up the reduced oxygen intake in its speed. Teeth were grinding together, clenched together to hard as to create an audible symphony, an ode to disbelief with a hint of annoyance and frustration. The only thing missing was… ah, a thing, long clump of hair decided to defy the clutches of its disheveled home and sprang up into the air in direct defiance of gravity.
“Oh, uh… hi Twilight. Eh.. a he he… it’s a really nice day outside. I think I’ll jus…” Spike was whisked up in Twilight’s purple magical aura and zipped inside the library before he had the chance to properly flee for his sanity most definitely and his life quite possibly.
“This scroll can’t be telling the truth! … But I got it straight from the Canterlot archives… okay, I got it from a secret compartment hidden in the genealogy section of the archives, but if they didn’t want me as a seeker of truth and knowledge to find it, they should have hidden it better, right? And I’m a princess now, I should have access to all the knowledge within those archives. It’s a government building and I’m a part of the government and…”
“TWILIGHT!” The longer Twilight spoke, the shorter her breaths became until Spike was sure she was about to pass out. The last thing the little dragon needed was a barely conscious, possible gone crazy Alicorn on his claws. Twilight was enough of a handful when she wasn’t slipping into psychosis.
With a startled jump Twilight let Spike go, and once gravity realized that the dragon was fair game again promptly let him know what he thought of his floating shenanigans with a painful trip to the library floor. While gravity was re-asserting its dominance, Twilight turned and trotted back over the the scroll that was the cause of all the commotion.
“Oh Spike, I’m sorry. I was just doing more genealogy research. It’s really fascinating how everyone connects to everyone else. Hereditary research is all well and good and I’m sure I’ll get back to it, but after seeing how Pinkie Pie and Applejack connected like that, even by the thinnest stretch of a family connection, well I just had to see who else I and all my friends were related to. Maybe there are other family ties within our circle of friends. I just had to know. But when going through the Canterlot Achieves I ran into a secret compartment with a single scroll. I couldn’t resist! Honestly, I kind of wish I had… Spike?”
Twilight turned back to Spike, who had given up the fight against the forces pushing him toward the ground and lay face-first on library's wooden floor.
“That’s real interesting Twilight,” Spike managed to say despite the wood floor acting as a muffler, “but what’s that have to do with you freaking out?” Finally managing to muster the fight to lift his head, he continued “ … You’re not related to a smooze monster or something gross, are you?”
“Spike, I can’t be related to smooze monster. They reproduce asexually and their genetic composition is… completely irrelevant to the matter at hand. No, it’s about Pinkie again. I found out someone else she’s related to.”
“… Pinkie’s not related to a bandit family or a mad scientist or something, is she?”
With a huff of breath and a roll of her eyes, Twilight dismissed either possibility. “No Spike, she’s not. And if you just let me finish, I’ll actually tell you.”
“… Sea ponies?”
“SPIKE!”
Spike was by this point standing on his feet, al bit slightly disjointedly.
“Alright, I’m sorry.”
Twilight sighed and went from looking like an avatar of entropy to that of an older, tired mare.
“No Spike, I shouldn’t have lost my patience. It’s just that, well, finding out who Pinkie is related to was a bit of a shock. Although thinking on it, this revelation does make a certain kind of sense. You see Pinkie…”
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“DISCORD?!?”
The two trotted through the streets of Ponyville on a direct course to Fluttershy’s cottage to speak to the proprietor of chaos himself. While having silently told herself to be a bit more patient with her number one assistant and, at least in her mind, little brother, Twilight couldn’t help but let a little bit of annoyance creep into her voice.
“No Spike, the last 5 times that I told you that Pinkie Pie was related to a chaos god, I was joking. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha…”
“Okay, okay, geeze. I get it. But still… how does that even happen? You were talking about genetic structures or something about how a pony couldn’t be related to a smooze monster. How is this different?”
“That’s answered in the forward in the scroll. Apparently during Discord’s reign, he took an extended vacation. While he has always been a trickster and master of chaos and entropy, he decided to try something different; play the straight man. He took on pony form and worked as a reportedly humorless town mayor. He even married and fathered a single colt. He was also playing a cruel trick, waiting until everyone thought Discord was truly gone, and after years had passed he finally revealed himself and picked up where he left off. Celestia and Luna were able to encase him in stone 15 years later. Once they learned of the Son of Discord’s lineage, they kept an eye on him and recorded the boy's family line in that scroll. While almost each foal born to the lineage was surprisingly, almost boringly normal, sometimes… there are ponies born with strange abilities and a penchant for a little chaos.”
“Still, I can’t believe it. Pinkie Pie is related to Discord. … Although…”
For what seemed like the hundredth time today, Twilight let out a sigh.
“Yes. It does make a certain kind of sense, doesn’t it?”