Electric Boogaloo
It was a beautiful, completely generic day in Equestria as Celestia’s sun rose to replace Luna’s moon. A single beam of light shone into Canterlot Castle’s tallest tower where Generic just happened to be sleeping. The red and black alicorn stallion stretched lazily over his bed of mares.
“I feel like today is going to be different,” he said as he rolled off his mare-bed. He verbed all the way to the noun where he found Proper Noun waiting for him.
“I’ve been expecting you,” Proper Noun said, taking a scroll from their saddlebag. (The saddlebag in question held absolutely no major part in this story, but had to be given as much detail as possible to immerse the reader.) It had a single buckle, likely made from brass, which shone in Celestia’s sun’s sunlight. The leatherwork had clearly been done entirely by hoof, raising the bag’s value by at least three bits.
“Thank you,” Generic said, taking the scroll. As Proper Noun walked away, Generic unraveled the scroll and his jaw dropped. It was a note from Celestia. She needed him to once more, for the first time, take up arms against a coming invasion.
“One liner,” Generic said, lowering his sunglasses. A scream rang out over Canterlot followed by the second half of The Who’s Won’t Get Fooled Again. With the CSI reference over with, Generic teleported into Celestia’s chamber.
“You got my message?” the great, white alicorn asked, her flowing, tri-color mane moving without the aid of wind currents. She stared intently at the black and red alicorn before her. She pushed back all the impure thoughts she always got when he was around her. None in Equestria could resist the charm of a red and black alicorn stallion.
“Is it true? Is he really alive after all this time?” Generic asked, referencing a character you as the reader don’t know about yet. “I thought I killed him to death years ago.”
“You did, but some super powerful wizard/artifact/plot device/curse has resurrected him!”
The black and red alicorn stallion gritted his teeth angrily, cursing himself for allowing such things to happen. He then beat himself up over it and became slightly more angsty. “It’s all my fault,” he said, shedding a single tear. His face was lifted as his princess brought her lips to his.
“It is,” she said as their lips parted. Generic jumped back as Celestia grinned evilly at him. Her gentle features melted, giving way to ones not unlike his own. The red and black alicorn stallion stared as a red and black alicorn stallion now stood where Celestia had been.
“Antagonist!” Generic shouted, recognizing his evil twin brother. There was then an awkward pause and Generic smacked his lips contemplatively. “Why did you kiss me?” he asked at last.
“I have poisoned you with my venom!” Antagonist laughed. The world around Generic began to spin out of control. His head swam and his vision blurred until he hit the ground. His brother looked down upon him with an evil grin and whispered, “One liner.”
This is usually where Chapter One would end, but Generic refused to allow such things. He instead used his magic to lift the effects of the venom; something he easily could have done before.
He and his evil brother then had a two and a half page fight which resulted in the majority of Canterlot being destroyed. With Antagonist nearly defeated, Generic decided to make a mistake.
“Leave now and never show your face again!” Generic said, looking at his broken and bloodied sibling. Wind blew across the poorly described wasteland ruffling the overly-described black and red alicorn stallion’s mane.
“I will most likely make you regret this decision!” Antagonist shouted before disappearing in a flash of red light.
I, Generic, looked around at the destruction I had wrought upon the poor ponies of Canterlot. Even the narrator couldn’t describe how I felt. It was then I knew what must be done. I would spend three and a half chapters rebuilding Canterlot, the whole while my brother was gathering an army. With no clear direction, the story went on hiatus for a month.
When Generic returned to third person, he looked around at the newly constructed Canterlot. Celestia had died in the chaotic battle with Antagonist and somehow managed to pass her crown on to Generic. As the new ruler of Equestria, he forgot about his brother and went on to impregnate every member of the mane six. Until that fateful day came where he remembered what he’d forgotten.
“Your Highness!” one of Generic’s many guards shouted. (The guard only got one line in the entire story, but his entire childhood and background were described in full across a page and a half.) His name was Guard Guard; an extremely originally named pegasus stallion with a blue mane and red fur. His cutie mark, a helmet, had appeared when he was just a colt and decided he wanted to be a guard.
Before Guard Guard could say anything else, he spontaneously combusted. Generic instantly put an impenetrable shield around himself as a burst of magic was fired at him from behind. He turned to see the Sweetie Bot staring at him with laser eyes.
Suddenly, another Generic showed up and destroyed the Sweetie Bot. “I’m from the future!” he shouted.
“Oh, okay,” Generic replied. He watched as Dr. Whooves and his companion, Derpy, showed up in a blue police call box and took future Generic away. At this point, Generic needed to find out something. He used a powerful spell and gained all the knowledge he needed.
“Sweetie Bot was sent here to kill me, but Dr. Whooves swooped in and grabbed me in an alternate time line and the only way to safe-fully ensure he didn’t damage the timeline was to bring that me here to help me. Damn, I’m clever,” Generic said to himself.
“But who sent Sweetie Bot?” Generic asked after a moment. “Maybe a different character will know.”
Generic then went to see his six wives and his beautiful six children who were all molded in his image. Pinkie Pie, the pink earth pony mare with balloon cutie marks he’d first met in Ponyville after waking up in the Everfree Forest several years ago with no memory of his tragic past, began to twitch as he approached.
“It was your brother!” she shouted, breaking the fourth wall to look at the story’s amazingly well thought-out script.
“I don’t believe you!” Generic shouted, blasting powerful magic at everypony in the room. Of course, they were all changelings. One of them dropped a strange dagger with a note attached. He picked it up and read it.
This dagger is the only way to kill your brother for good.
Generic took the dagger and cast a spell to find the exact location of his brother. Instead of walking the perilous journey across the war ravaged lands of Fallout: Equestria, he teleported, saving himself a grueling twenty chapters.
At his brother’s hastily constructed super-lair, Generic noticed a not-so-generic pony waiting outside. It was his friend Tom; another black and red alicorn with a really weird name!
“Tom! I put you in my story!” Generic shouted to his friend. He and Tom then spent all of three paragraphs getting through all of Antagonist’s extremely complex traps. Tom, having served his purpose in the two pony puzzle, allowed Generic to continue on alone.
Antagonist sat atop a staircase with his back turned to Generic. “I’ve been expecting you,” he said, slowly turning to look at his brother. “You’re too late though, I’ve already done all the things the narrator failed to mention I was going to do.”
“No! It can’t be!” Generic shouted. He attempted to plunge the dagger into his brother’s chest, but it simply stuck there.
“I’ve become too powerful; that won’t work on me now!” Antagonist laughed. He then cast a spell that summoned a black hole above his castle, slowly sucking all of Equestria in. Generic watched as it grew and felt there was nothing he could do.
The ghost of Celestia appeared before him offering him words of wisdom and a blessing for the dagger. With the dagger now super charged, he tried stabbing it into his brother again. This time, there was an electrical spark and his brother screamed. The black hole closed and Antagonist fell to the ground. The red and black alicorn stallion stood over the red and black alicorn stallion, debating if he should kill the red and black alicorn stallion.
And he did, leaving the readers with an extremely unsatisfying climax. He didn’t do it passionately, he didn’t do it dramatically, he kinda just stabbed Antagonist and that was it. He stood up, looked around, and teleported back to Canterlot in time to see Antagonist’s army of undead zombie ponies collapse into dust. The crowd cheered, and the reader down voted the hell out of it.
THE END?