> Vinyl and Octavia Engage in Roleplay
>  by DoctorSpectrum
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter One: The Sale
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vinyl Scratch opened her mouth and blew a small tuft of her mane that had been annoying her at the edge of her vision out of the way. Then she frowned. She was currently lying on her back on her favourite couch, completely stretched out. She had a problem. Even though she was on what she had long suspected was the most comfortable couch in all of Equestria, it couldn’t conquer the seemingly eternal boredom she was currently experiencing. Hurry up and get back from shopping, Octavia, thought Vinyl. Then we can, I dunno, make out or something.
 
Sighing as the ceiling continued to fail to impress her, Vinyl rolled over onto her stomach, hoping that somehow lying on her stomach would relieve the monotony of her situation. Although she could have gotten up and done something to entertain herself, she had barely gotten any sleep over the past few weeks thanks to a few late-night DJing gigs, and for the present merely wanted to relax, even if the boredom of it all drove her insane. Urgh. Maybe I’ll go get one of Octavia’s books or something.
 
Just as Vinyl thought her marefriend’s name, the sound of the front door of the house opening reached Vinyl’s ears. “Vinyl! I’m home!” called out Octavia as she stepped through.
 
“’Bout time, babe,” said Vinyl as she got up from the couch, her boredom already appeased. “Watching paint dry would’ve been more entertaining than that!” She headed into the kitchen, where Octavia was putting away most of her purchases. Vinyl gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before making the job easier for her with her levitation magic. “Next time you head out to go shopping, I think I’ll join.”
 
“Well, it is a good thing that you didn’t come with me today, because I have a surprise for you,” said Octavia, reaching a hoof into one of the bags she had brought in with her. “Close your eyes.”
 
Man, this is probably gonna be something super kinky, thought Vinyl as she obeyed the Earth pony. As she did so, she couldn’t help but smirk a little.
 
“Okay, now open them,” said Octavia, thrusting something to Vinyl’s chest. Vinyl opened her eyes to find that it was a small box, battered slightly. And according to the label, contained inside was…
 
“Hey, you got me a new miniature subwoofer!” Vinyl said happily. “I’ve been meaning to buy a new one since my old one was broken in that – y’know, that sword fight with the head of those ninjas.”
 
Octavia nodded, happy that she had managed to please Vinyl so. “I saw it for sale and it occurred to me that you probably needed a new one.  I was fortunate enough to find this at a cheap price.”
 
“You sure about that?” Vinyl asked, levitating the subwoofer out of the box and examining it. “Looks like this is one of the old Chekov’s Gun 5000s from a few models back. Most ponies consider them to be vintage; it can’t have been that cheap.”
 
“Believe me when I say that it was, as a matter of fact,” Octavia replied. “I bought it at a yard sale a few houses down the street on my way back from the market – if it is as expensive as you think then the salespony probably wasn’t aware of it.”
 
Vinyl nodded approvingly as she levitated the subwoofer back into the box and placed it onto a bench. “I won’t ask how much it cost – I know you hate when I do that – but did the guy have any more stuff like this there? There could be some real bargains there.”
 
“I wasn’t paying too much attention, to be honest, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt to look if that is what you want,” said Octavia.
 
Vinyl grinned enthusiastically. “Damn straight I do, and there’s no time like the present.” She levitated her pair of glasses, lying on a small coffee table nearby, to her face. “You comin’ with, Octavia?”
 
“I don’t see why not. Who knows, I may find a decent bargain there for myself.”
 
“Sweet.” Vinyl headed to her room to grab some money, and then the two ponies were off. As Octavia had said, the house hosting the sale wasn’t far, and so within a few minutes the two ponies were there. It was only a few moments before Vinyl’s jaw dropped and she dashed over to what looked like a giant speaker.
 
“I don’t believe it! An MGS Bass Dropper-130!” She was practically drooling over the equipment.
 
“A…what?” asked Octavia, trying to understand her marefriend.
 
“These things are amazing! They hadn’t perfected the magic used for operating them when they first came out – still haven’t really, as a matter of fact – so they chew through your magic like no tomorrow, but man are they effective!” Vinyl gushed. “I remember using one in this one club once… woke up with one hell of a headache the next day from overtaxing my magic, but damn if it wasn’t cool!” A moment later, she put a hoof to her chin and thought about it. “Wait, or maybe that headache was from drinking too much…”
 
Turning to the pony who had organised the yard sale, who was grinning at whom he hoped was his next customer, Vinyl asked, “Where did you get this?”
 
“Found it in the basement during a clean-up the other week,” the pony replied. Like Octavia, he was a grey-coated Earth pony. “The old owner of the house must have owned it, years before I moved in. Way I figure it, I don’t need it – or any of this other stuff – and he’s had plenty of time to reclaim it, so I may as well make a few bits out of it.”
 
“So…awesome…” said Vinyl as she circled the speaker, barely listening to the salespony. Smiling at her marefriend geeking out over the speaker, Octavia left Vinyl to her own business, knowing that Vinyl wouldn’t need her help in deciding whether or not to purchase the speaker, nor would she expect it.
 
After a quick look around the assorted items for sale to see what catered to her tastes, Octavia found herself idly rummaging through a box, mostly filled with books. Read it, read it, couldn’t finish it due to boredom, doesn’t interest me, read it, doesn’t interest me…Octavia paused in her rummaging as a new book – well, technically it was an old book – caught her eye. Is that – surely it’s not, is it? The Earth pony picked up the book cautiously, as though it was a sacred text of some sort. It is!
 
“Hey Octavia,” said Vinyl, joining her marefriend, “guess who just got a super-cheap Bass Dropper-130?”
 
“No doubt somepony very cute and sexy,” Octavia said. “Wait – how loudly are you going to play it?”
 
“What’s that you’ve got there?” asked Vinyl, dodging the question as she pointed to the book Octavia was holding.
 
“Oh, this? As a matter of fact, it is a book I have not seen for many years, nor did I expect to see again.” Octavia held out the book for Vinyl to read the cover. Vinyl raised her eyebrows and whistled.
 
“The Pony Sutra? Whoah, didn’t realise that was your thing, Octavia.”
 
“Wait, what?” Octavia flipped the book to face herself to make sure that this wasn’t one of Vinyl’s pranks. “Whoops, I must have grabbed the wrong book,” she said sheepishly, putting the Pony Sutra back into the box and instead picking up one with a near-identical cover. “This is the book I meant to grab.”
 
This time, Vinyl’s reaction was more of a scowl. “Pony Tales Handbook: First Edition?” she read out. “Isn’t that stuff kinda…dorky?”
 
“That is what everyone believes about it, but believe me when I say that it is the most fun one can have outside of playing the cello,” Octavia defended, unable to see a small roll of Vinyl’s eyes behind her glasses. “We used to play this all the time back in my old university dormitory. I tell you, Vinyl, it used to be so much fun when we would –”
 
“Stop right there – I know what you’re trying to do,” said Vinyl. “You’re gonna try and convince me to play, aren’t you?”
 
Octavia grinned awkwardly. “If I ask you nicely will you agree?”
 
“Nope.”
 
“How about if I do this?” Octavia leaned forwards and gave Vinyl a small kiss on the lips. Although the unicorn tried to hide her smile, she couldn’t help but have her lips twitch a few times.
 
“Maybe,” she said, avoiding Octavia’s eyes and thus giving in.
 
“Oh, please please please please please?” asked Octavia. She gave Vinyl lots of small kisses all over her muzzle as she spoke.
 
“Dammit, Octavia, you know I can’t resist you when you do this!” said Vinyl, finally breaking out into a grin. “Fine, we’ll play your stupid dorky game.”
 
“Yay! Thank you, Vinyl!” Octavia gave Vinyl a big hug with her front hooves, giving the unicorn a small squeeze after holding it for a second. “You won’t regret this, I promise.”
 
“If you say so. Say, you never mentioned going to university before.” The two ponies started walking to the table where the salespony, and Vinyl’s newly purchased speaker, was.
 
“Oh, haven’t I? I suppose that it never came up,” said Octavia. “Sorry – you don’t feel like I’ve kept this from you on purpose, do you?”
 
“Nah, of course not,” said Vinyl. “As a matter of fact, I think it’s kinda cute. And sexy.”
 
Octavia giggled a little and avoided Vinyl’s eyes for a moment. “Ah, you’re back,” said the salespony, interrupting her thoughts. “Is that all you wanted to purchase?” he asked as Octavia passed the handbook to him.
 
Octavia opened her mouth to answer, before noticing that Vinyl was deep in thought. “Wait a second, Octavia,” she said, before heading back over to the box of books. She returned shortly, levitating another book. “Might as well pick this up whilst we’re here.”
 
“The Pony Sutra? Really?” asked Octavia, cringing.
 
“Oh, come on, like you’ve never wanted to read it,” said Vinyl, grinning. “I know all about your dirty little fetishes.”
 
Hoping that the salespony couldn’t see her quite vibrant blushing, Octavia said, “Vinyl, you don’t have to buy that.”
 
“Well, I know that I don’t, like, have to, but come on, Octavia, we might as well buy this whilst it’s cheap. Look at how good the condition it’s in is!” Vinyl thought for a moment. “Wait, shit, I hope none of the pages are stuck together.”
 
“No, Vinyl, I meant that you didn’t have to buy that…” Octavia glanced at the salespony, who was looking as serious as possible, and added in a voice that she hoped was too low for the salespony to hear, “…because you can read my copy.”
 
For a second it looked as though Vinyl was about to burst out laughing, but she managed to hold it in with a lot of effort. After quickly telling the salespony that she’d changed her mind – neither pony was sure as to whether he’d heard Octavia or not – Vinyl returned the book to the box. Less than a minute later, both of them headed back to the house, Vinyl dragging her new speaker, Octavia holding the handbook in a bag she’d thought to bring.
 
Needless to say, when they got back Vinyl immediately developed a sudden urge to start reading.
> Chapter Two: Character Creation
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Wow, can you believe this?” asked Vinyl, looking at a gigantic twenty-sided die. “Who in Equestria needs something like this?”
 
Octavia shrugged. “Someone who has no life outside of roleplaying, I suppose. Alternatively, somepony who receives it as a terrible present and is too polite to reject it.”
 
Vinyl grimaced.  “Huh.” At Octavia’s insistence, the two ponies had headed to a games shop the day after Octavia found the Pony Tales Handbook – apparently, they needed more equipment before they could play. Recalling this, Vinyl asked, “So, what are we here to buy again?”
 
“We are going to need dice – I have lost my ones from university, and you certainly do not have any – a gaming mat, figurines, character sheets, markers for the mat –”
 
“I thought you said that all we needed to play the game was the handbook,” said Vinyl.
 
“Well, that and some dice, true, but the additional equipment adds so much more to the game!”
 
“And so much more money to Unicorns of the Coast,” muttered Vinyl.
 
“Now, how about you head to the counter and buy yourself a set of dice?” suggested Octavia, missing Vinyl’s muttering about the company who owned Pony Tales. “I shall worry about the other items, and then join you and buy my own set.”
 
“Uh…okay,” said Vinyl, feeling out of her depth. She didn’t see why she needed a separate set of dice to Octavia, but she figured she should just listen to the Earth pony until she got the hang of the game. “Uh, hey, I need some dice,” Vinyl said as she approached the counter.
 
“What type of dice?” asked the green-coated stallion behind the counter.
 
“Um…roleplaying dice?” Vinyl answered, not sure what to make of the question.
 
“So, what type? A d4, a d6, a d8, d12, d20, d-”
 
“What type of dice do you need for Pony Tales?” asked Vinyl, worried that the stallion would keep listing random numbers and never stop.
 
“Ah, now for Pony Tales, you’ll just need a basic seven-dice set,” said the stallion. He reached below the counter and pulled out a small transparent container. Within, Vinyl could see assorted geometric shapes. “We’ve currently got a sale on this particular set – it’s fifty-percent off.”
 
Vinyl considered it for a moment. “I guess then I’ll take it-”
 
“Don’t you dare, Vinyl Scratch!” Octavia interrupted Vinyl unexpectedly, slapping the container of dice out of the stallion’s hoof as he had been passing it to her. “If you buy those dice I shall flush them down the toilet when we return home!”
 
“But you wanted me to buy them!”
 
“I wanted you to buy dice; I didn’t want you to buy those dice,” said Octavia, flashing the stallion a dirty look as she dumped the items she had been picking up onto the counter.
 
“And…what was wrong with them?” Vinyl asked, still trying to make sense of it.
 
“They were cheap! Didn’t you see what he was doing?” Octavia exclaimed. Vinyl raised an eyebrow. “He was trying to sell you cheap dice! He clearly used up all of the natural twenties on the d20 – not to mention the natural fours, eights, and so on.”
 
“They were brand new!” the stallion countered. “You could see that the container hadn’t been opened before!”
 
“That may be true, but how do I know that they weren’t previously rolled at the factory?” Octavia hissed. “I know all about the dirty tricks they use…” She fell silent and began glaring at the stallion, who glared back in turn.
 
“Uh, am I missing something here?” Vinyl asked, waving a hoof to get Octavia’s attention. “What’s all this about natural twenties or whatever?”
 
“Okay, you know what a d20 is, do you not?” Octavia asked. At Vinyl’s blank stare, she added, “A twenty-sided die.”
 
“Uh-huh.”
 
“Well, if you were paying attention when I was explaining how to play Pony Tales last night, you shall recall that a d20 is typically rolled to determine whether you are successful in an endeavour. The higher the number, the greater the chance you have of succeeding in whatever it is you are trying to do. Hence a natural twenty is the best number you can roll in a check.” This small recap seemed to calm down Octavia somewhat.
 
“Okay, I get that,” Vinyl said. “The thing I don’t get is you saying that he was – what was it? – using them up?”
 
“A d20 can only roll a twenty so many times, Vinyl. After that number of times, it will never roll another twenty again,” Octavia said solemnly. After taking this in, Vinyl frowned.
 
“Uh…why not? Does the twenty get scratched or something?” she asked.
 
“No, no, it is due to the way the probabilities work. It is literally impossible to roll one.”
 
“…That’s not how probabilities work,” Vinyl said slowly, raising an eyebrow sceptically. “I can understand there’d be a lower chance of rolling one, but –”
 
“Don’t question it!” Octavia snapped. “Just believe me, it’s how it works!”
 
“Okay, okay, I believe you,” said Vinyl hastily. “So then…in that case, which dice should I buy?”
 
“Hmm…” Octavia examined several sets of dice below the glass counter with a critical eye. As she did so, she failed to notice Vinyl rolling her eyes. As far as the unicorn could see, all of the dice were exactly the same, just in different colours. Did getting the right ones really matter that much?
 
“That set,” said Octavia finally, pointing a hoof at a set of white dice with the numbers engraved in blue. “If nothing else, they match your coat and mane.”
 
“They look pretty sweet,” Vinyl admitted as the stallion behind the counter placed them on top of the bench for her. “What are you getting for yourself?”
 
“Hmm… those ones look rather appealing,” said Octavia, looking at a set of green dice. “Oh, and so do those… but those other ones match my eyes!”
 
“Guess it’s gonna be pretty hard to choose one, eh Octavia?” Vinyl said, smirking. “But there can only be o-”
 
“I shall take all three,” said Octavia to the stallion, ignoring Vinyl.
 
“You – what?!” Vinyl exclaimed in surprise. “What do you need three sets of dice for? Have you even noticed the price on them?”
 
“I need three sets of dice for three different things,” Octavia said simply as she passed over her money for the dice and other accessories. “One set shall be used for combat, one for out of combat, and one for when I need to make very important rolls which I cannot afford to fail.”
 
“So, what, should I get another two sets of dice as well?” Vinyl asked, confused. “Is that normal?”
 
“No, you should be fine with just the one,” said Octavia, moving aside for Vinyl to pay for her dice.
 
“So then…why do you need the three sets?” By now, Vinyl was utterly baffled by the whole business. Even though Octavia said that roleplaying was good fun and easy to pick up, to Vinyl it felt like learning an entirely new language.
 
“That’s simple.” With more than just a hint of arrogance in her voice, Octavia said, “I am not a filthy casual.” She smirked at Vinyl, silently daring her to deny it.
 
Luckily for Vinyl, she had a comeback thought up within seconds. “So if you’re not a casual player, how come you haven’t played in years, don’t have any of this stuff – ” she pointed a hoof to the additional accessories Octavia had bought “- already, and lost your dice and had to buy new ones?”
 
“…Shut up.”
 

=============================

 
“So, how goes your character creation?” Octavia asked. It was the next day, and they were just finishing preparations for the game. An old friend of Octavia’s from university named Natural Twenty had agreed to be the Dungeon Master for their campaign, and he was due to arrive within the hour.
 
Aside from the character sheets, everything was set up for the day’s session – the game mat was spread out onto a coffee table in the lounge room, where Octavia and Vinyl currently were, and the two pony figurines Octavia had bought (which sadly looked like neither pony they were supposed to represent) were sitting in adjacent squares, waiting to be moved. Vinyl and Octavia’s dice sets were sitting in their individual containers at two corners of the game mat.
 
“Pretty great,” Vinyl said, grinning. “I reckon the Pony Tales version of me is gonna be just as cool as I am! How about yours?”
 
“I just finished my character creation,” Octavia said, placing her sheet onto the table and stretching. “Do you mind if I take a look at yours?”
 
“Go ahead,” said Vinyl, levitating her character sheet over to the Earth pony.
 
“Okay, let’s see what you’ve got here…” muttered Octavia to herself. A moment later, she frowned. “Vinyl, you must have made a mistake here. You are roleplaying as yourself, just as I am, are you not?”
 
“Damn straight,” said Vinyl, grinning. “That’s what you told me to do, so I’m doin’ it!”
 
“Then why have you given yourself the ability to fly?” Octavia asked, turning the sheet to face Vinyl and pointing to the utility talents It’s Almost Like Flying and Flight School.
 
“’Cos I thought it’d be cool, y’know? I mean, me, flying? How awesome will that be?”
 
“Yes, but… Vinyl, you can’t fly in real life,” Octavia pointed out.
 
“Yeah, I know that. What’s your point?” asked Vinyl.
 
Octavia sighed. “The point is, you are supposed to be roleplaying yourself, as though it were really you in the story that the DM will craft. As you cannot fly in real life…” She trailed off, allowing the statement to finish itself.
 
Vinyl shrugged. “Hey, I wouldn’t have taken it, but it basically says that you can fly for whatever reason you can think of. Blame Unicorns of the Coast, not me.”
 
Octavia grimaced as she read over the description for the utility talents, confirming that the fault technically wasn’t with Vinyl. “Well then, what is your reason for being able to fly in-universe?” she asked, dreading the answer.
 
“I figure that thanks to my awesome magic, I managed to grow myself a pair of wings,” said Vinyl, her grin growing larger. “See? It totally works in the story!”
 
Octavia resisted the urge to facehoof…and failed. “Vinyl, you are not becoming an alicorn,” she said. “That’s… no, that’s just too silly.”
 
“Well…I won’t be one at first,” said Vinyl menacingly. Octavia cringed.
 
“What do you have planned?” she asked.
 
“Right, so this Dee Twenty-”
 
“Natural Twenty,” Octavia corrected.
 
“- right, Natural Twenty, he’ll throw us into a story and stuff, right? What we’ll do is, the first opportunity we get, we’ll head to Canterlot, and kill Celestia and Luna.” Vinyl ignored Octavia smashing her face into the coffee table and continued talking. “So then we’ll get their powers and become alicorn princesses – sexy alicorn princesses. What do you think?” She beamed at Octavia, who slowly pulled herself up from the table.
 
“I think that it is a horrendous idea and you do not know how to roleplay,” said Octavia wearily. “And besides, I doubt whether you would be able to kill either princess – knowing Natural Twenty, he will probably give them insanely high stats in order to prevent you from doing exactly what you said you would.”
 
“That’s what you think. Check out my combat talents!”
 
Dreading what she would find, Octavia looked down the page until she found the aforementioned combat talents. “Vinyl, are you sure that you know what you are doing?” she asked. “You’ve taken all of the overpowered abilities.”
 
“I know, right? I figure I’ll stomp anything that gets near us into dust,” said Vinyl confidently.
 
“I think you’re missing the point. By selecting almost only high-end abilities, you’ve taken all of the abilities which are too expensive to cast, leaving you vulnerable whilst you build up to them.”
 
The unicorn shrugged once more. “I figure we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” she said casually.
 
“Urgh, if you insist,” said Octavia, sighing once more. She passed Vinyl’s sheet back to her. “I am not even going to ask about your justification for how you can supposedly cast half of these attacks – your Hammer of Thunder in particular hurts my brain.”
 
“Oh, like your sheet is any better,” Vinyl scoffed. “Here, let’s see what you’ve got.” She skimmed over Octavia’s sheet. “See, what is this crap? Did you pick all of your combat talents from the friggin’ Monk tree?”
 
“As I said, I like to have combat talents that I could realistically use,” Octavia defended. “The same with my utility talents.”
 
“Oh, really?” asked Vinyl, a mischievous grin appearing on her face. “Then what’s this utility talent? ‘Sweet and Elite - You’re the type of person everyone should know. You're marginally famous, and-’”
 
“Give me that back,” snapped Octavia, her cheeks burning as she snatched the sheet from Vinyl.
 
Seeing that she had hurt her marefriend, Vinyl’s grin fell and her look softened. “Hey, I’m sorry, Octavia,” she said. “I didn’t mean to do that – it’s just that, between calling me a ‘filthy’ casual yesterday and now going over my sheet, you – it kinda felt like you were picking on me.” Vinyl went over to Octavia and sat in front of the couch the Earth pony was lying on, placing a hoof on one of her legs.
 
“No, I am the one who should apologise, Vinyl,” said Octavia. “Back in university, we used to tease each other about our characters and such all of the time. I forgot that this is all new to you, and I – well, I suppose I fell into old habits quickly.”
 
Vinyl leaned in and gave Octavia a kiss. Then another one after deciding that she liked the first one. “Can you forgive me, Octavia?”
 
“Of course I can – nopony can stay mad at someone as wonderful as you for long,” Octavia said, smiling. “Can you forgive me?”
 
“You’re implying that I haven’t already,” said Vinyl, grinning. She was about to lean in for another kiss when there was a knock at the door. Vinyl looked up, ready to go answer it before Octavia saved her the effort.
 
“Come in!” she called out. “We’re in the lounge room!” A minute later a blue-coated unicorn with a frizzy mane and a d20 for a cutie mark came into the room. He was carrying a saddlebag which looked incredibly full.
 
“Hello Octavia, how are you going?” he asked her before turning to Vinyl. “And you must be Vinyl Scratch. Pleased to meet you.” Vinyl grinned as she shook his hoof, already able to see how Natural Twenty and Octavia had become friends back in university.
 
“We just finished writing our character sheets a few minutes ago,” said Octavia as Vinyl went to lie on her favourite couch.
 
“Excellent to hear,” said Natural Twenty, seating himself and clapping his front hooves together. “And I see that you’ve already got the board set up and some dice ready to roll – what say you two ladies?” He grinned. “Shall we begin?”
> Chapter Three: Let the Games Begin!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vinyl and Octavia nodded to Natural Twenty, confirming that they were both prepared to start the game. Leaning forwards, he grinned as he began to set up the scene that Vinyl and Octavia’s characters found themselves in.
 
“The two of you are – well, yourselves, I suppose. After having won a competition, the two of you have found yourselves in a place you thought you would never visit – the Amarezon Jungle.”
 
Octavia and Vinyl gave each other a look before turning back to Natural Twenty as he continued speaking.
 
“After a day or two of exploring the safer parts of the jungle whilst within a tourist group, the two of you find yourselves heading down a river by canoe. But suddenly, disaster strikes! Within moments of paddling off, the current carries the two of you away from the tourist – is something wrong?” Natural Twenty asked, noticing grimaces from both Vinyl and Octavia.
 
“Natural Twenty… where did you get the idea for this campaign?” Octavia asked.
 
“Recently I began reading an excellent novel about two mares making their way through the jungle,” Natural Twenty explained. “The author, Exposition, is one of my favourites. One of the mares reminded me of you, Octavia, and the other sounded somewhat similar to Vinyl Scratch given your description of her-”
 
“Gee, I wonder why,” muttered Vinyl.
 
“- so I thought that it would be a fun idea to start a campaign based upon this story. Is that a problem?” he asked.
 
Octavia grimaced. The book that Natural Twenty was speaking of was based upon the adventure that she and Vinyl had had which led to the two being friends. Exposition had coincidentally met the two ponies on a holiday and, after hearing about their adventure, had conducted a brief interview which she based the book on. Octavia had eventually acquired a copy of the book and considered the whole thing to be incredibly inaccurate and dull.
 
“Let’s just say that that would not be my preferred campaign to play,” Octavia said, answering Natural Twenty’s question.
 
“Hmm…well, that is something of a bother,” Natural Twenty said. After a moment of thought, he said, “Well then, I’m currently running a campaign for another group of friends that is set on the high seas. What would you say to my appropriating some of that?” Vinyl and Octavia both pulled faces of disgust.
 
“I’ve had enough of pirates to last a lifetime, thanks,” said Vinyl.
 
“Well then… I have another campaign planned for a further group of friends,” Natural Twenty said after a further bit of thought. “It’s got a bit of an Eastern theme to it.”
 
“That sounds as though it could be fun,” Octavia said, perking up a bit. Vinyl nodded slowly as she thought it over.
 
“I’m hoping that it will be. I’m planning to have a lot of quests involving samurai play out – oh, and lots of ninjas, too, of course. Thousands of ninjas.”
 
As Vinyl facehoofed, Octavia said, “You know what? Let us simply go with the jungle campaign after all. I am sure that it cannot be that bad.”
 
“If you insist,” said Natural Twenty. “Now, as I was saying, the two of you have become separated from your group after a wild current down a river. You are-”
 
“Wait a minute, we’re separated just like that?” interrupted Vinyl. “We don’t even get to – what’s it called? – make a saving through against being separated or whatever?”
 
“Now that Vinyl points it out, that is some fairly bad railroading,” said Octavia. “As she says, we should at least get a chance to not be separated from the group.”
 
“…Fine,” said Natural Twenty, not looking happy about the players already trying to take over the game. “Make a stunts check to save against the strong current.”
 
Octavia picked up one of her d20s and rolled it. “A seventeen!” she cried out. “Added to my stunts skill, that gives me… twenty-eight! Surely that should be effective against the current, Natural Twenty.”
 
Natural Twenty scowled at the die. “To be honest, I wasn’t expecting you to roll so well…” he said, thinking as hard as he could.
 
“Alright Octavia!” said Vinyl. “We managed to stay out of the jungle after all!”
 
There was a moment of silence, before Natural Twenty unexpectedly picked up a die and rolled it. “Whoops, looks like the current just got stronger. I suppose you got lost in the jungle after all,” he said. Octavia sighed.
 
“Oh well, it was worth a try,” she said. Vinyl, however, wasn’t giving in so easily.
 
“Hey! I can see that die from here!” she said. “You rolled a one!”
 
“No I didn’t,” Natural Twenty lied, quickly moving his natural twenty out of Vinyl’s line of sight.
 
“Yes you did!” Vinyl insisted. “How does rolling a one to – I dunno, increase the current – manage to succeed?”
 
“I was rolling to see whether the current would slow down,” Natural Twenty answered smoothly. “Rolling a one meant that it sped up immensely.”
 
“That’s bullshit and you know it!” Vinyl exclaimed, glaring daggers at Natural Twenty. Her gaze was only broken when Octavia lightly touched her on the forehoof.
 
“Vinyl, darling, the number one rule of roleplaying is that the Dungeon Master is always right,” she said. “If Natural Twenty wants us lost in the jungle, we’re lost.”
 
“Like hell,” Vinyl growled. “I still haven’t made my roll to save against the current yet.” Natural Twenty sighed.
 
“Fine, but I’m telling you now, you’ll need a rather large roll to –”
 
“Natural twenty!” Vinyl interrupted. “Looks like we’re not getting lost after all!” Sure enough, her blue and white die had a twenty facing the ceiling.
 
“…Nice roll,” said Natural Twenty after a moment of stunned silence. “I suppose that you – whoops!” In a pathetically obvious ‘slip’, Natural Twenty had grabbed his d20 and thrown it over his shoulder, so that it was behind the armchair he was sitting in. “Excuse me a moment whilst I grab that.” He disappeared behind the armchair. “Well, would you look at that!” he called out. “I too rolled a natural twenty, and so it appears that your roll does nothing, Vinyl.” He reappeared and re-seated himself a moment later.

“Oh, that was a roll now, was it?” Vinyl asked.
 
“It was stylised,” claimed Natural Twenty.
 
Vinyl was about to contest the claim further when once more Octavia put a hoof onto her forehoof. “Vinyl, please just let it go. It was silly to try and go against Natural Twenty setting the campaign up from the start.”
 
“…Fine,” said Vinyl after a moment of consideration. She leaned over to Octavia and nuzzled her. “But only for you, not him,” she whispered. Octavia smiled.
 
“So anyway, Natural Twenty, after all of those distractions, what is happening?” she asked as Vinyl Scratch stopped nuzzling her.
 
“Well, as a result of the current increasing to be faster than I originally envisioned it, the two of you lost all of your possessions as you crashed your canoe,” said Natural Twenty. “A pity, really – if you hadn’t tried to save against the current you would have crashed before you could have lost them.”
 
Vinyl glared at Natural Twenty, but otherwise said nothing. Octavia cleared her throat, knowing better than to defy Natural Twenty. “Well then, can we at least look around for our possessions?” she asked.
 
“Naturally. Perception checks, both of you,” Natural Twenty commanded. The two ponies did as he asked.
 
“Oh dear,” Octavia said, looking at her pitiful five.
 
“You can say that again,” Vinyl agreed, cringing at her three.
 
“So, who rolled highest?” Natural Twenty asked, unable to see the dice from his position.
 
“With our perception skills added, we each rolled twelve,” Octavia said. “Do we see any of our possessions?”
 
“Unfortunately, they are scattered too far for either of you to find with rolls that low,” Natural Twenty said, shaking his head slightly.
 
“I cannot say that I was expecting anything else,” Octavia sighed.
 
“Anyway – the two of you are lost in an unknown part of the Amarezon, away from your tourist group,” Natural Twenty summed up. “You have no possessions, and neither of you have been here before. What do you wish to do?”
 
There was a moment of silence as the two mares considered their options. “Well, Vinyl,” Octavia started, turning to her marefriend, “what do you think of –”
 
“I leap onto Octavia and start humping her furiously!” Vinyl said enthusiastically. Both Octavia and Natural Twenty raised eyebrows. “What? Isn’t the point of the game to have fun? That’s fun!”
 
“Yes, but you should do things that would be in-character,” Octavia explained. “Are you saying that if we were lost in the Amarezon Jungle with no immediate means of escape, your first thought would be to have sex with me?”
 
“You saying that my first thought wouldn’t be?” Vinyl asked, grinning.
 
“Now that I think about it… at any rate, you cannot do that.”
 
“Actually, technically there’s nothing stopping her character from doing so,” Natural Twenty said. “Unless your character objects, Octavia?”
 
“…I never said that,” Octavia said, blushing slightly.
 
“Well then, in that case, you may start having sex with Octavia, Vinyl,” said Natural Twenty. “In-universe!” he added hastily as he saw the unicorn start to get up from her armchair.
 
“Right…do I have to roll a die or anything for that?” Vinyl asked.
 
“How about an endurance check?” Natural Twenty suggested. Vinyl did so.
 
“That’s a nineteen with my endurance skill added,” she said. “What does that mean?”
 
Natural Twenty wrote down something on a small notepad he had on his side of the table. “Good job, Vinyl. The two of you have sex for a decent amount of time, and are both very pleasured by the end of it!” He rolled a d20. “And in even better news, you didn’t attract any of the native wildlife with it!”
 
“Told ya stayin’ quiet for the neighbours would pay off,” Vinyl muttered to Octavia, who only proceeded to blush further.
 
“Well now Vinyl, you’ve successfully had sex with Octavia,” Natural Twenty declared. “What will you two do now?”
 
“Well, Vinyl, as I was saying, I think that we should –”
 
“That was sorta fun,” Vinyl interrupted again. “Can I have sex with Octavia again?”
 
Natural Twenty rolled his eyes. “If you must, but you’ll suffer a penalty to your endurance check, since I imagine your character would be at least somewhat worn out from the sex.”
 
“We talking physically or mentally?” Vinyl asked, picking up her d20 once more. “Because I’m telling you, Vinyl Scratch can go as long as she wants!”
 
“Vinyl, you are not having sex with my character again,” Octavia said, gently forcing the hoof of Vinyl’s that was holding the d20 down. “Instead, why not fly above the trees to try and see what the best way out of the jungle would be?”
 
“You can fly?!” Natural Twenty exclaimed. “How in Equestria does that work?”
 
“She has a very silly character sheet,” Octavia said before Vinyl could explain. “Now, are you going to fly and find the best route, Vinyl?”
 
“Sure, I guess that works,” agreed Vinyl.
 
“Roll a perception check for once you’re above the treetops,” instructed Natural Twenty. Vinyl obeyed.
 
“With my modifiers, twenty,” said Vinyl.

“Excellent roll, Vinyl,” complimented Natural Twenty. “Using your flight method, whatever it is, you ascend above the trees and hover in one spot for around a minute. Looking around, you notice two outstanding features of the jungle. To the north is what appears to be a large temple, black and monolithic. It rises above the tree tops menacingly, appearing to dare those who see it to enter it.”
 
Vinyl nodded. “And the other outstanding feature?”
 
“To the south, you think you recognise a gigantic tree where your tourist group was supposed to arrive at. If you arrive there swiftly enough, you may be able to re-join your group.” Smiling, Natural Twenty asked, “Which direction shall you head in?”
 
“Well, the smartest thing would be to head to the tree, I suppose,” Octavia said.
 
“Yeah. I’m sick of this jungle already, and this is where my character lost her virginity to Octavia’s!”
 
Natural Twenty raised an eyebrow. “…Are you sure you wouldn’t rather head for the temple?”
 
Vinyl snorted. “You kidding? Our characters would be stupid to head towards something that freaky looking.”
 
“Are you sure?” Natural Twenty asked, a hopeful look in his eyes. Both mares nodded. “…Fine then, in that case roll streetwise checks to ensure that you find your way to the tree successfully.”
 
Both mares did as he instructed. “Shit, I got a two,” Vinyl swore.
 
“I did not roll much better,” Octavia said, grimacing as she looked at her three.
 
“Oh, excellent!” said Natural Twenty. “It looks like both of your characters got lost and ended up at the temple after all! The doors are made of a heavy black stone, with steps leading up to them. There are two pits of fire -”
 
“Re-roll then?” Vinyl interrupted.
 
“…What?” Natural Twenty asked, dumbfounded.
 
“We can re-roll to try again, right?” Vinyl asked. “I mean, it’d be stupid of our characters to give up after that one go.”
 
“N-no, you can’t re-roll, because… because…” Natural Twenty thought hard. “Because even if you did get to the tree now, your tourist group will have moved on by now! You spent too long being lost!” His justification was met with two blank stares.
 
“Well, yeah, maybe, but it’s not like our tourist group is the only one that will go past that tree,” Vinyl said. “From how you described it, I imagine that it’d be a fairly notable landmark of the jungle.”
 
“And what’s more, if it’s in the part of the jungle that our tourist group is in, it surely must be safer than where we are now,” Octavia pointed out. “That alone is reason to head there.”
 
Curse my incredible world-building skills! thought Natural Twenty to himself. Once more I have been hoist by my own petard! Thinking quickly, he said to Octavia, “You make a decent point, but I believe that you are forgetting something.”
 
“Oh?”
 
“There is a possibility that the temple will have loot within it.” At the word loot, Octavia’s eyes widened, and her expression became slightly more giddy.
 
“Excellent point, Natural Twenty,” she said. “Vinyl, we’re going into the temple.”
 
“What? But wouldn’t you rather get out of the jungle?!” Vinyl exclaimed. “You were the one who said we should head to the tree!”
 
“That was then, this is now,” said Octavia. “I shall gallop up the stairs of the temple and search for a way to open the doors,” she said. “Natural Twenty, do I have to roll a perception check for that?”
 
He smirked. “Not at the moment – you have something more pressing on your hooves.”
 
“And what could be more pressing than finding loot?!” Octavia asked impatiently.
 
“Roll for initiative,” said Natural Twenty. “You’re about to be attacked.”


> Chapter Four: Natural Twenty is Worst DM
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vinyl and Octavia picked up a d20 each and rolled them. “Sixteen,” said Vinyl.
 
“Five!” Octavia cried, excited. “I cannot wait to test out some of these combat traits on these enemies… Come to think of it, Natural Twenty, what are we fighting?”
 
“Two of the giant stone statues outside the temple came to life as you approached the door,” Natural Twenty explained.
 
“What giant statues? You didn’t mention them before,” Octavia pointed out.
 
“You interrupted me before I could,” Natural Twenty said. “If you two had let me finish my description of the temple’s exterior rather than trying to reroll-” Here he shot a dirty look at Vinyl “- then you would have known all about them.”
 
“Well, whatever,” Octavia said, rolling her eyes. “What initiative did you roll for them?”
 
Natural Twenty quickly threw two d20s to the table. “Nine and thirteen,” he said. “Not too bad, if I say so myself.” He quickly started marking up the game mat with a marker, and moved some figurines around on it.
 
“So, is this where the fun part of the game starts?” Vinyl asked as Natural Twenty worked.
 
“What, you mean that you have not enjoyed the game so far?” Octavia asked, genuinely surprised.
 
“So far the only fun thing that’s happened is that I’ve had sex with you, and if I wanted to do that I could have taken you to my bedroom,” Vinyl pointed out. “Please, Octavia, tell me that this’ll be better.”
 
“Well, personally I find that the real fun of roleplaying lies in solving the challenges which the Dungeon Master lays out for us using my own wits and skills, but for one such as you, Vinyl, I am sure that you shall enjoy combat against foes such as these,” Octavia somehow managed to say in one breath. “Fighting in roleplaying games is a truly unique experience – one gets to fight for honour, glory, and riches using an avatar of themselves. Their true martial prowess is tested on a battlefield which can range from something such as, in this case, a deadly jungle, to something as mediocre as a humble bar. Players engage in a battle of luck, wits, and skill – one in which there can only be one winner. They are able to test themselves and others in a truly immersive experience, where a single move could mean the difference between disaster and victory. That – that is what combat is.” Octavia finished her speech with a smug look upon her face.
 
Vinyl had been looking fairly bored throughout the game so far, but at this, her expression perked up. “Really?” she asked, interested. “That kinda sounds awesome, Octavia.”
 
Octavia shrugged. “Well, that is how it is supposed to be in theory. In reality it’s mostly rolling dice for several hours, swearing at them when they roll badly, and repeatedly crossing out and re-writing numbers.”
 
“Don’t forget mixing up which pieces of paper are which,” Natural Twenty said as he drew one final line on the game mat. “One minute you’re fighting a simple level eight mudcrab, and then bam! The DM accidentally grabs an encounter intended for much further down the track and you’re suddenly in the hydra factory, wondering where in the hay you’ll find some fire to stop its regeneration!” A dreamy look entered his eyes as he stared off into the distance. “Ah, hydras…” he muttered wistfully to himself.
 
Vinyl raised an eyebrow as she turned to Octavia. “Is that really gonna happen? We’re gonna have to fight a hydra?”
 
“…No?” Octavia answered hesitantly.
 
“Are you both familiar with how combat works?” Natural Twenty asked. Vinyl shook her head whilst Octavia nodded. To Vinyl, Natural Twenty said, “You can move up to six spaces a turn – that’s called a move action – unless there is a certain condition, such as a large obstacle that you have to climb over, which would cost more to move over. You can move either before combat, after, or both, so long as you haven’t used up all of your move actions for that turn.”
 
Vinyl nodded. “And Octavia explained how combat works to me – we can only use combat talents which cost equal to or less than the number of PiPs we have, and we can regain PiPs by using smaller attacks.”
 
“That’s combat in a nutshell,” Natural Twenty agreed. “Any rules you’re not familiar with, we can explain as we play. Now, Vinyl, I believe that you rolled highest initiative?”
 
Vinyl Scratch grinned. “Right, I’m looking forwards to how this goes,” she said. “Sit back, Octavia – Vinyl’s got this entire fight in hoof…”
 

=============================

 
“Vinyl, it’s your turn,” Natural Twenty said a good few hours later. The white unicorn rubbed at her eyes sleepily.

“Already? Urgh, can I spam Hyperbeam yet?” Vinyl asked, groaning. This wasn’t going anything like how she had expected it to.
 
“You only have two PiPs, Vinyl,” Octavia explained. “Hyperbeam costs eight.”
 
“Man, seriously? That’s so stupid,” said Vinyl. “Well then, how about I use…It’s Over?”
 
“It’s Over costs you seventeen PiPs,” Octavia sighed, facehoofing.
 
“Well…what can I use?” Vinyl asked, throwing herself back in her chair in exasperation.
 
“Let me see…” muttered Octavia, grabbing Vinyl’s character sheet. “All of your combat abilities which take away PiPs cost four or more, so you can only use Arcing Bolt or Rampage.”
 
“But they’re soooo boring!” Vinyl whined. “I’ve been spamming them for ages now!”
 
“Well it’s your own fault for not including more low-cost combat abilities,” Octavia said, forcing herself to stay calm. “You should have – actually, better question: why do you keep summoning your Hammer of Thunder and then dismissing it? That is a gigantic waste of PiPs.”
 
Vinyl shrugged. “I keep forgetting that it costs to summon it. And let’s face it, it’s not as cool as my other stuff.” Turning to Natural Twenty, she asked, “Are you sure I can’t do that awesome idea I thought of?”
 
“For the last time Vinyl, I already said that you’re not allowed to tackle and wrestle a statue into the pits of fire, let alone both of them at the same time,” Natural Twenty said. “And besides, they’re made of stone, so the fire wouldn’t do anything.”
 
“But if I roll a natural twenty, I can do whatever I want!” Vinyl protested. “Isn’t that how the game works?!”
 
“Just choose a damn attack, Vinyl,” said Octavia, sighing once more.
 
“Fine. I’ll use…Rampage, I guess, on Stone Statue #2,” said Vinyl. “And… I’m bloodied, so I deal one d12 of damage rather than one d4.” Natural Twenty nodded in agreement.
 
“Roll the die.”
 
Almost absentmindedly, Vinyl levitated her d12 and threw it in Natural Twenty’s general direction. He gasped as it landed.
 
“What?” Vinyl asked.
 
“Vinyl, you… you rolled a natural twelve!”
 
“So… that’s twelve points of damage, yeah?” Vinyl asked, barely paying attention by this stage.
 
“Well, that certainly happens, but more importantly, your special ability triggers!” Natural Twenty exclaimed, sounding both excited and worried. “What triggers for you on a twelve?”
 
“Uhh… that’s this one here, isn’t it, Octavia? ‘Use one of the combat talents you brought into battle 
at random without paying its PiP cost.’ What does that mean?”
 
“It means that you can use one of those overpowered attacks that you want to for absolutely nothing!” Octavia gasped. Bored and frustrated with the fight so far, she had been lying on a couch lazily, but upon seeing Vinyl’s roll, had leapt up in excitement. “It says that it’s random – roll a d8 to decide.”
 
“Sure,” said Vinyl, picking up a d8 and throwing it to the table. C’mon, Hyperbeam! The die landed on eight.
 
“Vinyl, what’s your eighth combat talent?” asked Natural Twenty, some fear creeping into his voice.
 
“Uh…It’s Over!” said Vinyl. “Lessee… I guess I’ll choose to deal seven d12 damage, since I’m already in melee range of the second Stone Statue…Octavia, can you pass me some dice?”
 
“Hooves off, peasant!” growled Octavia, protectively covering her dice with her hooves.
 
“…Fine, guess I’ll just roll this one seven times then,” said Vinyl. She did so. “…and, another eight, so that’s sixty-eight damage all up,” she said to Natural Twenty. She grinned. I think I’m starting to get the hang of this. “Is the second Stone Statue dead?”
 
Natural Twenty did some quick calculations on a piece of paper. “Just as good! It’s bloodied!” he said. “Or in its case, I suppose it would be… crumbling.”
 
“What does that mean again?” asked Vinyl, still trying to wrap her head around the terminology of the game. Octavia, however, knew what it meant immediately.
 
“It means that the Stone Statue is on half-health or less,” she explained. To Natural Twenty, she said, “Honestly, Natural? Our very first fight, over the course of these past hours we deliver at least three hundred damage to one of the enemies, and it’s only on half-health? How in Equestria can you call yourself a DM?”
 
Natural Twenty shrugged. “Both the statues are made of stone. They resist like, ten damage per attack.”
 
“…And you decided that our first encounter should consist of enemies such as these?”
 
“Hey, it’s your own fault,” defended Natural Twenty. “You were supposed to look for hidden entrances, roll an eighteen or higher, find the hidden trapdoor, and then fight waves of zombie skeletons through the secret passageway on your way into the temple. If you hadn’t been so hasty and just rushed up the steps like an amateur then you could have avoided this whole thing.”
 
“Hasty? Me?!” Octavia asked, stunned. “Why, I’ll have you know –”
 
“Wait, aren’t zombie skeletons mutually exclusive?” interrupted Vinyl. “Zombies have meat, and skeletons are everything of a pony except meat. I think you’re mixing your undead types up.”
 
Natural Twenty thought it over. “Well, mummies can be skeletons, and they’re sort of like zombies.”
 
Vinyl shook her head. “Nuh-uh! If a zombie bites you then you turn into a zombie. If a mummy bites you then you turn into a dweeb who let herself get bitten by a mummy.”
 
“Ah, I see your confusion,” said Natural Twenty. “You’re going with classic novel and film depictions of mummies, but in Pony Tales, they’re traditionally enchanted by –”
 
“Can we stop with the discussion about mummies and zombies and Celestia knows what else?” Octavia asked, sighing. “Vinyl, we need to end this fight, and quickly. Any ideas?”
 
Vinyl thought it over. “How about… if I…hmm…no, that wouldn’t work because… but then the – ah ha! I’ve got it!”
 
“Are you sure?” Octavia asked, wary of her friends’ knowledge on the rules of Pony Tales.
 
“’Course I am,” said Vinyl. “See, if we can both convince Natural Twenty to get rid of these bullshit enemies and replace them-”
 
“Hey, my enemies are perfectly well-balanced!” argued Natural Twenty. “If you rolled as well as you did just before, Vinyl, they would have been defeated hours ago!”
 
“Well we are not going to roll that well any time soon, are we now?” Octavia asked. “Natural Twenty, please replace these statues with decent enemies.”
 
“Are you kidding? These guys guarding the temple is realistic!” the blue unicorn protested. “I’m trying to build a world here, and in this world it just so happens that ancient temples are guarded by living statues that don’t want intruders entering the temple!”
 
“But they’re ridiculous! Please, remove them!”
 
“They’re there for world-building purposes!”
 
“They’re overpowered!”
 
“You’re just not roleplaying well enough!”
 
“Who in their right mind could –”
 
“GUYS, CUT IT OUT!” Vinyl unexpectedly shouted, surprising both ponies and causing them to jump a little. “We’re getting nowhere, and we need a compromise of some sort…” She sighed and massaged one of her temples, before a brainwave suddenly hit her. “…and I think one just occurred to me!”
 

=============================

 
“Well?” Vinyl asked, grinning at Natural Twenty. “Do I pull it off?”
 
Natural Twenty sighed and looked at the d20 once more, just to make sure that his eyes weren’t tricking him. “With your roll of natural twenty, Vinyl, you successfully manage to piledrive the final statue into the pit of fire, where it somehow manages to get hot enough to crumble down and break. Even though combat rounds are only six seconds each.”
 
“Oh yeah! Told ya I could do it, Octavia!” Vinyl shouted enthusiastically.
 
“Yes, yes, whatever, Vinyl,” Octavia said dismissively. “The important thing, Natural Twenty, is what loot do the Stone Statues have on them?”
 
Natural Twenty blinked. “The Stone Statues have rocks on them. That are on fire, because they used to be part of their body.”
 
Octavia squinted. “…How much would flaming rocks go for in the nearest town?”
 
“Not enough to cover the bits you’d need to heal your hooves from holding onto flaming rocks for an extended period of time.”
 
“Bah,” said Octavia, scowling. “I suppose that we should head into the temple then. Are the doors open?”
 
“They were destroyed in your fight with the Stone Statues,” said Natural Twenty. “You step inside to find yourselves in a large corridor, with lots of stone tiles on the walls and floor. At the end of the corridor is what looks like it could be a pedestal with something on it, but you can’t see from this distance. What shall you do?” He smiled at both ponies knowingly.
 
“Well, Vinyl, it seems likely that some of the tiles are set to trigger traps,” said Octavia. “What do you propose we do?”
 
“Easy,” said Vinyl. “I’ll pick you up and fly you to the pedestal.”
 
Natural Twenty grinned. “I was wondering whether you’d try that. As you take off into the air, the temple’s anti-flying-magic-spell activates.”
 
“What?” said Octavia bluntly.
 
“A portion of wall swivels around,” began Natural Twenty, ignoring her, “revealing two immense hydras, each with nine heads. They’re both large enough to reach fliers with their heads, and they –”
 
It was at this point that Natural Twenty was forced to stop his description, as Vinyl had thrown the heavy copy of Pony Tales Handbook: First Edition right at his head and, in an extraordinary stroke of luck, managed to knock him out.
 
“Vinyl!” exclaimed Octavia. “What was that for?”
 
“Didn’t you see what he was doing? He was throwing hydras at us!” Vinyl explained. “How bullshit is that?”
 
“…Fair enough,” agreed Octavia.
> Chapter Five: The Worst Story Ever
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alright, so the two of you enter the temple,” Natural Twenty said, around fifteen minutes later after regaining consciousness, “and Vinyl manages to fly Octavia over the tiles.” He flinched a little as he looked at Vinyl, who gave a nod of approval. “From there, the two of you find yourselves in a large, round room.”
 
“Are there still tiles on the ground?” asked Octavia.
 
“No, everything here is made of a smooth, rocky surface,” Natural Twenty replied. “What would you like to do, you two?”
 
“Are there any doors, passages, or corridors that might lead to other parts of the temple?” asked Octavia.
 
“Can I check for hidden traps or passageways?” asked Vinyl eagerly.
 
“No, Octavia, there are none, and yes, Vinyl, you may. Roll a Perception check.”
 
Vinyl rolled the die. “Seventeen,” she said. “With my Perception bonus, that’s a twenty-six.” Grinning eagerly, she asked, “What do I see?”
 
“Nothing. Although you scour every inch of the room, you fail to find any sort of traps, levers, or anything else that could potentially trigger something,” said Natural Twenty.
 
“What? This room is bullshit!” exclaimed Vinyl.
 
“I will admit that I am rather disappointed by the lack of loot,” Octavia reluctantly agreed.
 
“Have you tried looking at the pedestal?” asked Natural Twenty.
 
“…What pedestal?” asked Octavia, raising an eyebrow.
 
“The pedestal in the centre of the room, obviously,” said Natural Twenty.
 
“You didn’t mention it before,” Octavia said. “Where did it come from?”
 
“…Shit, did I forget to mention the pedestal?” asked Natural Twenty, frowning as he scrolled through his notes. “Bother, it looks as though I have. Well in that case, Vinyl accidentally activates a hidden lever which causes a pedestal to spring up in the middle of the room.”
 
“I do? Shit, roll to avoid whatever it shoots out!” Vinyl said, quickly rolling a d20.
 
“I’ll roll to hide behind Vinyl and use her as a shield!” Octavia said, also rolling one of hers.
 
“Uh…guys, the pedestal isn’t doing anything,” said Natural Twenty. “It’s just a pedestal.”
 
“Like hay it is,” said Octavia. “Knowing you it’s probably a trap, or a creature disguised as a pedestal, or something such as that.”
 
“I’ll roll an Arcana check to destroy it with my magic!” said Vinyl, rolling another die.
 
“Guys, it’s not a trap, it’s a –”
 
“Natural twenty! That probably means I destroyed it! What now?” Vinyl asked.
 
“Fine,” Natural Twenty said, rolling his eyes, “you successfully destroy the evil pedestal. Now that it’s out of the way, another, much less evil pedestal appears in its place, and –”
 
“Roll to destroy this one!” said Vinyl. “Another natural twenty! It’s gone!”
 
“Would you stop destroying the bloody pedestals?” Natural Twenty asked, his teeth gritted. “I am trying to help you here.”
 
“…Can we trust him?” Vinyl asked Octavia.
 
“Just go along with it, or he’ll bring more hydras out,” Octavia sighed.
 
“Thank you, Octavia. Now, a third pedestal comes out of the ground, this one covered in hieroglyphs, and with three indents in its surface,” Natural Twenty narrated. “What shall you do?”
 
“Destroy i-”
 
“I shall go over and try to read it,” Octavia quickly said. “Since I assume that I cannot instantly understand it, I shall roll a History check to see whether I recognise any of the hieroglyphs.”
 
“Sure, that works,” said Natural Twenty. “What did you roll?”
 
“A thirteen,” said Octavia, grimacing.
 
“Well, that should be more than enough to-”
 
“No, I meant a thirteen with my Knowledge skill added,” Octavia explained. “I rolled a two with the die.”
 
“Oh,” said Natural Twenty. “Well then, no, you can’t understand the hieroglyphs. Vinyl, would you care to try to read them?”
 
“Pfft, you serious?” asked Vinyl. “The pedestal will just explode in my face or something and I’ll die. Nope, I’m not approaching the pedestal like a sucker.” After a quick glance at Octavia, she hastily added, “No offence, Octavia.”
 
“None taken, Vinyl. So, Natural Twenty, what do we do now that I cannot read the hieroglyphs?” Octavia asked.
 
“Well, uh, I guess you two would just sit there, since there’s not much more to do in the room,” Natural Twenty replied awkwardly. A silence fell between the group.
 
“Why is this guy our DM again, Octavia?” Vinyl whispered to Octavia as she leant over to the Earth pony. “He doesn’t seem very good!”
 
“Natural Twenty is an old friend of mine, and a fine DM,” Octavia whispered back. “Why, I remember back in our university days, he’d…well, he’d… hmm…”
 
“What is it?”
 
“…Now that I recall it, I believe that the reason I enjoyed roleplaying with Natural Twenty in university so much was because the entire party teamed up with me to make his game as difficult and excruciating as possible,” Octavia mused. Turning to Natural Twenty, she asked, “That sounds about right, doesn’t it?”
 
“Oh, naturally, but in turn it gave me an excuse to create ridiculously broken characters and bosses to make the game as difficult as possible for the party,” Natural Twenty agreed. “It was a strange symbiosis we had – each of us trying to be as annoying as possible, and having great fun in either executing or sabotaging plans. Great times.”
 
“Indeed they were – we shall have to get the old gang back together one day,” said Octavia warmly. “At any rate, what are we doing in this roleplay?”
 
“Well, since you can’t read the hieroglyphs, and Vinyl refuses to, there’s not much more you can do in this temple,” explained Natural Twenty. “And to be perfectly honest, that sort of kills the campaign right here.”
 
“Can I not try and read the glyphs again?” Octavia pleaded. “It seems a bit silly to stop the quest before it has even started due to a mere bad die roll.”
 
“I suppose so, but I’ll only allow it this once,” sighed Natural Twenty. “Go ahead then.”

Octavia grimaced as she saw the result of the d20 she had rolled. “Is a fifteen with modifiers good enough to read them?” she asked, already sure of what the answer would be.
 
“One more and you would have been alright,” said Natural Twenty, “but alas, you fail to read them.” There was silence for a moment before he continued. “Well, as much as I hate to say it, it looks as though this campaign is –”
 
“Right then!” interrupted Vinyl. “It looks like as usual, everything’s up to me!” She picked up a d20 and rolled it. “Twenty-eight with modifiers! What does that do?”
 
“Good job, Vinyl,” commended Natural Twenty, “that’s enough to understand the hieroglyphs. Now, you –”
 
“Huh? Read the hieroglyphs?” Vinyl asked, confused. “That’s not what I was rolling for. I was rolling to destroy the pedestal.”
 
Natural Twenty facehoofed. “Vinyl, could you please stop that? I am trying to continue the campaign here!”
 
“…You just flat-out said that you used to try and torment Octavia’s group as much as possible,” Vinyl pointed out. “What makes you think I won’t be suspicious of traps now?”
 
“But that one only had thr- okay, you know what?” Natural Twenty asked. “You destroy the pedestal using your magic, another one pops up, but since you used your magic to destroy the first, a magical anomaly occurs and you get the knowledge of the hieroglyphs.”
 
“…Should I roll a saving throw against this?” Vinyl asked Octavia, raising an eyebrow. Octavia shrugged in response.
 
“Anyway, the hieroglyphs say that there is a great treasure in the temple-”
 
“Where?!” Octavia shouted, her eyes lighting up and a grin large enough to rival Vinyl’s appearing upon her face.
 
“- that will appear to the one who gathers the three tablets and brings them to the temple,” finished Natural Twenty.
 
“So in order for us to obtain the loot, all we need do is find these three tablets?” Octavia asked excitedly. “Where are they?!”
 
“Unfortunately, the hieroglyph only mentions the location of the first – in the hooves of a primitive tribe who live in a deeper part of the Amarezon.” Natural Twenty grinned. “Looks as though you two will have to go deeper into the jungle if you want to continue the campaign!”
 
“Fine by me,” agreed Octavia. “They might know where the next tablet is. Now, Vinyl and I shall leave the temple, and –”
 
“Wait a minute,” Vinyl interrupted, “are you seriously saying that the story of this campaign is that we’re just grabbing some treasure from a temple?”
 
“Yes,” confirmed Natural Twenty, “that is pretty much it.”’
 
“No evil sorcerous overlord trying to kill the princesses?” Vinyl questioned. “No army of unforetold darkness and evil rising up from aeons past to wreak havoc and chaos wherever they trot? No curse upon the royal family, forcing ponies to-”
 
“What’s your point?” interrupted Natural Twenty.
 
“The point is, this is the best story you can create? That we’re randomly going to go after treasure in a random temple we find for the sake of doing so?”
 
“Well, I certainly am,” muttered Octavia.
 
“I mean it – it just feels so weak for a campaign, y’know?” Vinyl said. “I’ve always pictured Pony Tales campaigns as being these epic things that have the entirety of Equestrian mythology and history to draw on for inspiration, and you’re giving us a treasure hunt? That feels kinda… disappointing.”
 
“Well, in my defence, I only had about a day to prepare the campaign,” countered Natural Twenty, “and the novel which I based this upon did have a treasure hunt at the centre of it.”
 
“Yeah…I guess you’ve got a point…” Vinyl reluctantly agreed, “but I mean… it still feels very small-scale.”
 
“Well I also figured that this would be a good story since Octavia is addicted to loot,” Natural Twenty added, “and this way I could be sure that she at least wouldn’t try to screw around with the story too much.”
 
“Hey! I am not addicted to getting loot!” Octavia protested. “I just like to know that I am getting the most out of the game.”
 
“Did I mention that you noticed a fedora hat below a nearby bush as you exited the temple?” Natural Twenty asked, a smirk appearing on his face.
 
“Mine!” Octavia shouted. “I put it on! What does it do?!”
 
“It sets you on fire for –” Natural Twenty rolled some dice “- wow, twenty-three points of damage!”
 
“What? That’s ridiculous!” Octavia said angrily as she rewrote some numbers on her character sheet.
 
“It wouldn’t have happened if you had checked the hat before putting it on,” Natural Twenty pointed out. “All you’ve done is proved my point – you are addicted to acquiring loot, are you not?”
 
“I am not addicted,” said Octavia dismissively. “Anyway, shall we continue with our quest to acquire loot from the temple? I am eager to start.”
 
“Sure,” said Natural Twenty. “The two of you have exited the temple with no issues, aside from Octavia nearly burning herself to death with the hat she found. Speaking of, you may wish to take that hat off.”
 
“I take the hat off!” Octavia said hastily.
 
“Good job, Octavia,” said Vinyl, grinning. “Now, let’s get out into the jungle and after that tablet!”
> Chapter Six: The Bridge of Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“…Right, so where is this primitive tribe who have the tablet?” Octavia asked a few moments after she realised that Vinyl didn’t have a plan.
 
The unicorn shrugged. “Is that something you can roll for?”
 
“Not in this case,” said Natural Twenty, “as the two of you have a nagging feeling to head north.”
 
Octavia raised an eyebrow to Natural Twenty as Vinyl grinned and said, “Fine then, we’ll head south.”
 
Not this again, thought Natural Twenty, sighing internally. I go and set up a plot thread like that, and they just completely ignore it. “You can’t head south,” he said out loud, “there are poisonous plants in the way, and they’ll instantly kill you both if you touch them.”
 
“Fine then. We’ll head east.”
 
“More plants there. Also to the west.”
 
“…then how the bloody hell did we get to the temple in the first place?” Vinyl swore.
 
Natural Twenty thought about it for a moment. “You flew Octavia over the plants from the south. And-” he hastily added, as he saw Vinyl open her mouth, “due to the strange nature of the Amarezon, the plants have grown and multiplied amazingly fast, so you can’t fly over them now.”
 
After a moment of trying to think of a counterargument and failing, Vinyl scowled. “I hate this campaign,” she muttered.
 
“Well if you can find a way around the plants feel free to suggest it,” said Natural Twenty, “but if you can’t, shall I assume that you travel north?”
 
“I’ll use my magic to burn the freakin’-”
 
“Say, what is it exactly that makes us want to head north?” Octavia interrupted. “Aside from the fact that we are apparently surrounded by deadly plants?”
 
“…You see a glimmer in that direction which you suspect is loot?” Natural Twenty suggested.
 
“Excellent! Come on Vinyl, let’s head that way!” Octavia said cheerfully.
 
“But Octavia, what if –”
 
“I’ll roll to knock out Vinyl and drag her with me,” said Octavia, picking up and rolling a d20. “How does a seventeen sound?”
 
“Good enough for me,” said Natural Twenty. “Octavia successfully knocks out Vinyl and drags her northwards.”
 
“Goddammit, Octavia,” growled Vinyl, “I’m – I mean, my character – is going to have angry sex with yo- your character later the likes of which have never been seen!”
 
“I look forwards to it like nothing else,” said Octavia dismissively. “Anyway, you were saying something about loot, Natural Twenty?”
 
“Ah, yes. After dragging Vinyl northwards for around an hour, you end up outside a small village,” said Natural Twenty. “It looks as though the gleam you saw from a distance was from the sun shining off a gold tablet outside the village.”
 
“What the hay is that doing there?” Vinyl asked. “Sounds kinda pointless to me.”
 
“The villagers put it there to ward off evil,” said Natural Twenty, waving a hoof dismissively. “And before you two ask, it’s not one of the tablets you need for the temple.”
 
“I shall roll a stealth check to attempt to steal it without anypony noticing,” said Octavia. As she picked up the die to roll, she was interrupted by Natural Twenty.
 
“Don’t do that yet,” he said. “You see, there’s something I haven’t mentioned…”
 
“Urgh, of course there is,” Vinyl moaned. “What is it? A hydra guarding the tablet? A spell designed to blow up the entire Amarezon if the tablet is touched? A complex lock over the tablet, requiring another, separate quest to find it?”
 
“…Those are all actually quite good ideas,” said Natural Twenty, writing down something on a piece of paper as he spoke. “You may have just given me a few ideas for later in the campaign.”
 
“Ah, shit.”
 
“Anyway, I was going to say that the thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that whilst you’re outside the village, you’re not immediately outside it,” Natural Twenty explained.
 
“Meaning?” asked Octavia.
 
“Meaning that between you and the village is a rickety wooden bridge,” said Natural Twenty. “It stretches across a deep ravine between you and the village; a ravine which is at least thirty metres deep. Looking downwards, you see a shallow-looking river filled with rocks, which would surely deal a decent amount of damage were you to fall upon them. The bridge itself has some rotten and weak-looking wooden planks – as you watch, the wind blows one of them off the bridge and down the ravine.”
 
Octavia grimaced. “How far across the ravine is it?”
 
“Around fifteen or so metres.”
 
“Am I conscious yet?” Vinyl asked.
 
“Sure, why not?” said Natural Twenty.
 
“Hmm… I am not sure that I wish to risk going across the bridge,” Octavia commented. “Vinyl, do you have any ideas as to how to reach that tablet? And the village as well, I suppose?”
 
“Sure do,” said Vinyl. “I’ll pick you up and fly you across.”
 
“…You’ll what?” asked Natural Twenty, frowning.
 
“I said that I’ll pick up Octavia and fly her across,” said Vinyl, grinning. “I mean, I am conscious, and I can still fly, right? So what’s to stop me from doing it?”
 
Natural Twenty scowled as he thought carefully. “Sorry, did I say that you were conscious? I meant unconscious,” he said.
 
“Oh, come on!” Vinyl shouted. “That’s bullshit! At least let me roll or something!”
 
“Fine then,” sighed Natural Twenty, “roll an endurance check. We’ll assume that you’ve been unconscious this whole time.”
 
Vinyl did so. “Ten, with my endurance bonus,” she said, wincing a little.
 
“Well then, guess who’s still unconscious?” asked Natural Twenty, grinning.
 
“Urgh. Sorry, Octavia, but it looks like you’ll have to do this one by yourself,” said Vinyl. “Blame him,” she added, pointing to Natural Twenty.
 
“Hmm…give me a moment to think…” said Octavia, looking over her character sheet. “Natural, could I potentially leap across the chasm given that I have a high stunts skill?”
 
“Potentially, but I’m warning you right now, you’ll have to roll quite highly, and if you fail then you will fall down the chasm,” he cautioned.
 
Octavia looked at her character sheet a few more times, thinking carefully. Natural Twenty will probably make it that the bridge will crumble as I am crossing it, and that I shall have to roll to get across safely… I suspect that he will probably have some sort of scheme to prevent me from crossing safely that way. Although there is a high amount of risk, I think that leaping across the chasm is likely my only real option.
 
Breathing deeply, Octavia said, “Natural Twenty, I am going to try and jump across the chasm.”
 
Vinyl gasped. “You can’t, Octavia! It’s suicide! Well, for your character, at any rate.”
 
“I know what I am doing, Vinyl,” said Octavia calmly. “Natural Twenty?”
 
“…Very well then,” said Natural Twenty, putting one of his hooves to his mouth in contemplation, “roll when you’re ready.”
 
Octavia took another deep breath and picked up one of her d20s – this one was purple and white. I haven’t rolled this one yet for fear of using up its natural twenties, she thought. Let us hope that I am lucky. Slowly, cautiously, reluctantly, Octavia shook the die in her hoof for a few moments, before throwing it lightly onto the table. As she did so, she felt her heart rate build up exponentially out of nerves.
 
All three ponies in the room leaned forwards to watch the die as it clattered across the table. After what felt like an eternity, but was in reality was barely a few seconds, it stopped. Octavia let out a breath she hadn’t realised that she was holding as she saw the number on top of the die: twenty.
 
“W-well then,” she said, her heart rate slowing down, “with my stunts skill being eleven that gives me a thirty-one in total. I assume that that I successfully leap across the chasm?”
 
“Naturally,” said Natural Twenty. “You step back a few metres before charging towards the edge of the cliff, and with a mighty effort, leap off the edge! Your speed and strength are great enough that you land cleanly on the other side, and you don’t even hurt yourself doing so!” He smiled. “Nice roll, Octavia.”
 
“Thank you, Natural,” Octavia said, smiling as well. “Now that I am on the other side, I shall approach the gold tablet, and –”
 
“Uh, aren’t you forgetting someone?” Vinyl asked, putting a hoof up for attention. Octavia’s voice stopped immediately, Vinyl’s words hitting her like a ton of bricks. She slowly turned to Vinyl, one of her ears twitching slightly.
 
“Surely you- you don’t mean-”
 
“Well, I’m unconscious at the moment, so I’m sorta gonna need you to jump back over and carry me across,” Vinyl said casually.
 
“…Vinyl, are you aware of the circumstance which allowed me to leap across the chasm? There is almost certainly no way that I could make it across again to help you!” Octavia exclaimed. “Can’t you just- I am not sure- stay there until you’re conscious again, and then fly across?”
 
“She can, if she wants to be prey for one of the fearsome creatures of the Amarezon Jungle,” said Natural Twenty, smirking.
 
Octavia facehoofed. “Oh my Celestia…” she muttered to herself. “Fine, I shall jump back across and get you across as well somehow. Even though I am certain that I shall regret it…”
 
Picking up the same d20 as before, Octavia once more shook the die in her hoof a few times before rolling it. She winced as she saw the result, as unsurprised as she was by it. “How does a seventeen sound?” she asked Natural Twenty.
 
“You fall into the chasm,” he said cheerfully.
 
“Argh!” Octavia shouted. “Bucking hell! Thanks a lot, Vinyl!”
 
“Wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t knocked me out,” Vinyl said, shrugging.
 
“Argh… this is the worst possible thing ever!” said Octavia, pressing her hooves into her face. “How much damage do I take, Natural Twenty?”
 
He rolled a die. “You got lucky, Octavia – you landed in water, so whilst you still taken eighteen points of damage, I believe that that should survive that.”
 
“…Excellent,” said Octavia, choosing not to remind Natural Twenty of the damage she’d taken from the fedora hat earlier. “Although I am now at the bottom of the chasm with no way to get out,” she said, grimacing.
 
“Oh, this’ll be easy,” said Vinyl. “I’ll roll to gain consciousness,” she said as she threw a d20 onto the table. “Sweet, with my modifiers that’s a twenty-one. That good enough to wake up?” she asked Natural Twenty.
 
“I see no problem with this.”
 
“And now I’ll just fly down to Octavia, pick her up, fly her out and – hey, what’s the matter?” During Vinyl’s description of her actions, Octavia had facehoofed once more.
 
“Did it not occur to you to try and wake up before I leapt across the chasm?” Octavia growled. Vinyl shrugged.
 
“I didn’t think he’d let me,” she said, pointing to Natural Twenty.
 
“You could have at least asked!” Octavia shouted.
 
“True, but I mean – do you want to stand around arguing about who knocked out who and inadvertently lead to their own downfall, or do you want to get a hold of that golden tablet just sitting outside the village oh-so-innocently?” Vinyl asked, before batting her eyelids at Octavia.
 
Octavia’s anger and frustration was immediately replaced with eager, optimistic enthusiasm. “Of course! How could I forget? Natural Twenty, I would like to roll a stealth check to steal – actually, now that I think about it, have any of the pony villagers seen us?”
 
“It’s late afternoon, so most ponies are inside eating dinner right now,” said Natural Twenty. “Thus, more or less nopony has seen you yet.”
 
“Excellent!” said Octavia. “I shall still roll a stealth check though, as it never hurts to be cautious.” She picked up a green d20 and rolled it. “With modifiers, that’s a nineteen.”
 
“The tablet is attached to a large rock, but with a bit of effort you’re able to pry it off,” said Natural Twenty. “What now?”
 
“I shall put it into my saddlebag, and ensure that nopony can see any parts of it sticking out.”
 
“Naturally,” said Natural Twenty, “although due to its weight I shall make you suffer a penalty to acrobatics checks whilst you’re carrying it. Vinyl shall also suffer penalties to carrying you whilst flying if you still have the tablet on you.”
 
“That seems reasonable,” said Octavia, although she grimaced as she said it. “What now?” Natural Twenty rolled a die.
 
“Well, now the village sentry, who did see you earlier, and who did see you take the tablet, will beat his drum, summoning the rest of the villagers to surround you,” said Natural Twenty. He grinned. “I hope you’re ready for more combat!”
> Chapter Seven: Diplomacy? What's That?
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Urgh, more combat?” groaned Vinyl Scratch. “Do we have to?”
 
“You’re currently surrounded by a group of angry villagers who want their sacred tablet which wards off evil to be returned,” said Natural Twenty. “Unless Octavia wishes to return the tablet-”
 
“Like hell I’m giving up loot this good!” Octavia growled.
 
“-then I doubt that you can convince them to not attack you.”
 
“Don’t worry Octavia, I’ve got this. I can just fly us out of here, remember?” said Vinyl Scratch, grinning.
 
“Aside from the fact that the villagers have spears and bows which they will target you with if you do that,” began Natural Twenty, “there’s also the fact that this village may or may not contain the tablet you two are currently looking for.”
 
“Damn, didn’t think of that,” said Vinyl, grimacing. “Any ideas you’ve got, Octavia?”
 
Octavia frowned as she put a hoof to her chin in thought. “Hmm… can we see the village’s chief around anywhere?”
 
“You can see the chieftess of the village, yes,” confirmed Natural Twenty. “She is standing at the forefront of the group of villagers.”
 
“Very well then, I shall approach her and say, ‘Hello, wise chieftess. Is there a reason why the humble members of your village are surrounding my companion and I?’”
 
So you’re trying to avoid combat with diplomacy, eh? thought Natural Twenty. Good luck with that – you brought this upon yourself when you stole the tablet, and I am not letting you off easily. “The chieftess replies, ‘We heard the village alarm, signalling intruders to our village. According to our sentry, you two have stolen our sacred protection from evil.’ Whilst she’s saying this, the villagers are all preparing their weapons to attack at a moment’s notice.”
 
“I reply, ‘What do you mean? We are simply two humble travellers, looking for rest and shelter from the harsh Amarezonian wilderness.  Why would we steal anything of yours?’”
 
“Hmm…roll a persuasion check,” said Natural Twenty. “She’s not going to believe you straight away.”
 
Ha! This should be easy enough, thought Octavia. Persuasion is my cutie mark skill – with the boost it gives me, talking our way out of this will be no trouble at all. “Sure,” she said, picking up a d20 and rolling it. “Two?!” she gasped a moment later, looking at the result.
 
“Unfortunately for you, the chieftess sees through your lie immediately, and orders the villagers to attack.” Natural Twenty grinned as he started getting some figurines out of his bag for the game mat. “Roll for initiative, you two.”
 
“Not just yet,” Vinyl said, grinning. “I haven’t executed my plan yet!”
 
“…Oh Celestia, we’re all doomed,” said Octavia, facehoofing.
 
“Yes?” said Natural Twenty, ignoring Octavia. “What exactly do you plan to do against a group of villagers who are literally about ten seconds away from attacking you?”
 
“Ten seconds, huh? Perfect,” said Vinyl. “Don’t worry Octavia, I’ve totally got us out of this.”
 
“What exactly can you do in ten seconds, Vinyl?” Octavia asked. “And more importantly, are you going to try and give back the tablet to spare our lives? Because you can’t have it! It’s mine!”
 
“Just sit back and watch,” Vinyl replied. “Natural Twenty, I’m going to use my utility talent Illusionary Mask to ‘conjure an illusionary mask that makes you appear in a favorable manner to all that
see you’,” she said, reading from her character sheet. “It says that the preparation time is five seconds, so I have enough time to do it.”
 
“Right then,” said Natural Twenty. “That still doesn’t save you from the ponies about to attack you.”
 
“It will in a moment. See, I’m going to use the mask to make myself look like the village chieftess.”
 
“…What?” Natural Twenty asked.
 
“You heard me,” said Vinyl, her grin growing larger. “With the mask, I’ll command the villagers not to attack Octavia.”
 
“Flaw in your plan there, Vinyl,” Natural Twenty said. “The real chieftess is still right there, and she’s not going to let anypony be fooled.”
 
“Won’t have a choice when I’m done,” said Vinyl. “I’ll use another of my utility talents, He Did It!, to convince the villagers that the chieftess is actually me in disguise, and in possession of the golden tablet.”
 
“You realise that you’ll still have to roll a persuasion check for all of this, correct?” Natural Twenty asked. “The chieftess will roll to convince everypony that you’re lying. I’m also giving you a negative ten penalty to your roll since the villagers would know the chieftess quite well.”
 
“Fine,” said Vinyl, grimacing. She rolled her d20 as Natural Twenty rolled his. “Natural twenty!” she chimed out happily.
 
“Yes?”
“What? Oh, I meant that I rolled a natural twenty,” Vinyl explained. “So between that, my persuasion base skill, and the fact that my illusionary mask gives me a plus-four bonus to persuasion checks, I think that I should be pretty good to convince the villagers.”
 
“Oh really?” asked Natural Twenty, a smug look on his face. “Because I rolled an eighteen, and what with your penalty and all, I believe that I win. The villagers will hesitate, but the chieftess will still convince them that you’re yourself.”
 
Shit! thought Vinyl. All that and I still lose?
 
“Not so fast, Natural,” said Octavia. “I shall use my utility talent Dirty Look to give the chieftess a negative-nine penalty.”
 
Natural Twenty frowned as he went through the numbers in his head. Then he quickly tried to think of a few ways that he could convincingly give the chieftess a bonus. “…Fine,” he said bitterly, “you convince the villagers that the real chieftess is actually Vinyl in disguise.”
 
“Huzzah!” cried Vinyl. “Once more, justice and good deeds prevail and save the day!”
 
“If by that you mean you got away with stealing one of the villagers’ most valuable and important treasures, then yes, justice and good deeds did save the day,” said Natural Twenty in a deadpan tone. “At any rate, as most of the villagers chase after their former chieftess, the sentry who saw Octavia steal the tablet will approach you and ask, ‘Excuse me, mistress, but why exactly are you trusting this pony? I saw her steal our tablet with my own two eyes!’”
 
“I’ll reply, ‘This pony, Octavia, is now under my protection. I do not believe that one as sweet and humble as she could steal the tablet. From now on, I expect everypony in the village to treat her as though she were me – spread the word.’” Vinyl looked to Octavia and smiled.
 
“The sentry is suspicious of you, and is going to roll to try and see what you’re up to,” said Natural Twenty. He rolled a die. “Well then!” he said happily. “The guard rolled a sixteen, which with his perception skill, should allow him to see through your disguise, and –”
 
“Did he roll above forty?” asked Vinyl. “Because according to Illusionary Mask, you need to roll higher than forty to be able to detect my true identity.”
 
“What?” Natural Twenty asked. Vinyl passed him her character sheet so that he could confirm it. “…That ability is such bullshit,” he muttered. “Very well then, the guard doesn’t detect your true identity, but he still will ask why you two are so friendly all of a sudden.”
 
“I shall reply that, I am, um…” Octavia started, trying to think of a reasonable excuse for her character to know Vinyl’s.
 
“My sex partner!” Vinyl exclaimed. “She’s my sexy sex partner whom I have sex with all the time!”
 
“Not too far from the truth then,” said Octavia, her grin matching Vinyl’s. For his part, Natural Twenty simply rolled his eyes.
 
“Well, whatever,” he said.  “What are you two going to do now? I assume that the mask won’t last forever.”
 
“Yeah, according to the sheet it lasts for one hour,” said Vinyl. “So I guess we’d better look around the village to see whether the tablet – the one we need for the temple-  is here before the mask runs out of juice.”
 
“And don’t forget that we have to find some good loot!” Octavia pointed out. “So far this gold tablet is all that I’ve gotten, and it’s hardly practical or cool.”
 
“So then, how do you plan on exploring the village to find the tablet and loot?” Natural Twenty asked. “The village is a wide expanse, with the distance between the two furthest huts being around a half-hour walk. Ponies everywhere will watch you as you go, limiting your chances to steal items. With your mask only lasting for an hour, you will have to explore using the best of your wits – assuming that the items you seek are even here, and not hidden somewhere only the chieftess knows of. Will you manage to beat the clock, or will your mask wear out beforehoof? Can you maintain this façade, or –”
 
“I go to a nearby guard – or warrior, or whatever – and ask him to take us to the village’s most valuable treasures,” interrupted Vinyl.
 
“…Right. Didn’t expect that,” said Natural Twenty. “Naturally, as he believes that you are the real chieftess, he takes you to a particular hut – it’s fairy nondescript and pedestrian. Inside is a magical field covering a grey tablet and a sword.”
 
“Sweet. Is he going to get rid of the magical field?” asked Vinyl.
 
“He says, ‘Seeing as how you are the chieftess, naturally only you can cancel out the magical field guarding the treasures. I shall leave you to it.’”
 
“What shall we do, Vinyl?” Octavia asked. “I need that sword! It is probably very cool!”
 
“Hmm…I’ll try and surround the tablet and sword with my own magical field, and levitate them through the field,” Vinyl said.
 
“You try that, and it fails to work. The guard watching you says, ‘Your mightiness, what are you doing? Surely you know that that is the most basic of our security measures, to prevent telekinesis from affecting the treasures?’” Natural Twenty said. “His eyes narrow, and he says, ‘Unless – unless you’re not-’”
 
“I say, ‘Hey idiot, get the hay out of here! There’s some things that only a chieftess can do!’” Vinyl interrupted.
 
“You are really determined to have the villagers determine Vinyl’s true identity, are you not?” Octavia asked Natural Twenty.
 
“It’s not fair; it’s ruining all of my plans!” complained Natural Twenty. “At any rate, the guard reluctantly leaves the hut, not used to the chieftess saying such things to him.”
 
“Right. Now… I think that the safest way to get this stuff is probably to try and disrupt the field,” murmured Vinyl, thinking carefully. “…I dunno whether this will work, but I’ll roll an arcana check to try and disrupt the field with my magical ability.”
 
“As she does that, I shall use my Element of Harmony, Generosity, to give Vinyl a plus-fifteen bonus to the check,” said Octavia. Vinyl picked up a die and rolled it.
 
“Nine. With my arcana bonus and Octavia’s boost, how’s that?” asked Vinyl.
 
“Good enough to just disrupt the field. The magic blocking off the sword and the tablet is disrupted, and you can both reach for them,” said Natural Twenty.
 
“I’ll grab both of them!” Octavia said hastily. To this, Natural Twenty grinned.
 
“As you’re putting both items into your saddlebags, the door to the hut opens and the guard returns. ‘Your chieftessness, I thought you should know that –’ His voice cuts off as he sees what Octavia is doing, and that you’re not stopping her. ‘Chieftessness, what is going on?’ he asks. ‘Why are you letting this – this outsider take our treasures?’”
 
“I’ll say to him, ‘Buck off! We need them for all the sex we were about to have!’” said Vinyl cheerfully.
 
“…Interesting excuse you have there,” commented Natural Twenty.
 
Vinyl Scratch shrugged. “Hey, it’s been a while since my character has had sex with Octavia’s. Hey, does that make the guard leave?”
 
“He does,” confirmed Natural Twenty.
 
“Sweet. Hey Octavia, want to have sex with my character?” Vinyl asked casually.
 
“Of course,” replied Octavia. “My character will lean forwards, but look back at Vinyl and give her a sultry look.”
 
“I’ll approach Octavia, and start stroking her flanks with my hooves,” Vinyl said. “I’ll lean forwards a bit, and-”
 
“Oooookaaaay, I think that we should probably wrap up this session here,” interrupted Natural Twenty.
 
“Seriously? But we just started!” said Octavia.
 
“I know, I know,” said Natural Twenty, rolling his eyes subtly, “but we have been playing for quite a while now. It’s nearly six o’clock!”
 
“So? You got here at like, two,” said Vinyl.
 
“I realise that, and whilst my special talent is roleplaying-”
 
“You sure about that?” muttered Vinyl to herself.
 
“- even I think that a sixteen-hour session is a bit ridiculous,” Natural Twenty finished. “I mean, that fight was simply ridiculous – by no means did I expect it to last throughout most of the night like that.”
 
“Ha! So you admit that it’s bullshit!” Vinyl exclaimed, pointing a hoof. Natural Twenty waved a hoof dismissively.
 
“Not at all – I think that it was ridiculous because you two were such terrible fighters.” As Vinyl and Octavia opened their mouths to protest, Natural Twenty added, “Regardless, I shall head home now – I should probably get some sleep.” With that, he began packing up his belongings back into his saddlebag.
 
“Aww, now our characters are going to be all sexually frustrated!” Vinyl whined. “Natural Twenty, when will you be back for another session?”
 
“I should be free in a day or two,” replied Natural Twenty, “so I shall probably come around then - after giving notice, naturally.” With everything in his saddlebag, he gave them both a polite nod, said goodbye, and headed out the door.
 
“Man, this sucks! Right when we were about to have sex!” Vinyl complained.
 
“Well now, you are certainly eager all of a sudden to roleplay,” said Octavia. “What brought out this change of heart?”
 
“Well, I hate having to wait for sex, so it stands that my character does too,” explained Vinyl. “And it really sucks that there’ll be no sex going on, since Natural Twenty has left and it’s now just us two in the house.”
 
Octavia nodded. “Yes, just the two of us in the house… all alone, with nopony around to interrupt us or hear us…” she agreed. She climbed off the couch and walked to Vinyl, and started stroking the unicorn’s fur. “I am in agreement with you one hundred percent, Vinyl… it certainly is a terrible fate when there is no sex going on in this house, and waiting for too long certainly is frustrating…hay, it must have been at least two or three days since we’ve done it…” She started nuzzling Vinyl’s neck as she kept talking.
 
“Yeah, and our characters would be getting really frustrated, which makes me frustrated,” breathed Vinyl, nuzzling Octavia’s neck in return. “I just really wish there was some way to release this tension, with somepony who would be willing to help me…” There was a moment of silence as the two kept nuzzling each other, with different thoughts going through their heads.
 
“Oh well!” said Vinyl, suddenly cheerful, “It’s a good thing that our characters aren’t really us, so it doesn’t matter if they’re sexually frustrated!” She gave Octavia a quick kiss on the lips and then got up from the armchair. “I think that I’ll hit the hay; I didn’t realise how tired I was getting. Good night, Octavia!” She trotted out of the lounge room and to her bedroom, leaving the Earth pony alone in the lounge room.
 
She-she didn’t just…did she? Octavia thought to herself. She made a strangling motion with her hooves as she gritted her teeth. We are going to have to have a little talk tonight. And by talk I mean sex.
> Chapter Eight: Canterlot Bound
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Good afternoon, Natural Twenty,” said Octavia as she opened the door to greet her guest. It was a few days later, and as Natural Twenty had said he would, he had come around for the next session.
 
“Good afternoon to you too, Octavia,” greeted Natural Twenty. “How have things been since I last saw you?”
 
“Fairly well,” said Octavia as she and Natural Twenty slowly made their way to the lounge room. “I performed at a concert last night, so at the very least I don’t have to worry about paying bills this month. How about yourself?”
 
“Yeah, pretty much the same,” Natural Twenty said. Just like during the last session, the coffee table had a game mat, dice, and figurines scattered upon it. “Work is a jerk, but the money is always nice.” He looked around the room for a moment. “Is Vinyl around? I‘d like to get started as soon as possible, in case this session ends up being dragged out as long as the last one. Not that I’m expecting that, of course.”
 
Octavia raised an eyebrow as she seated herself on the couch. “Oh? What makes you so sure that this will be a short session?”
 
“During what little spare time I had over the past few days, I did some play-testing of this session using your characters,” Natural Twenty explained, sitting down in the same armchair he’d occupied a few days ago.
 
“Well, that sounds like the intelligent thing to have done,” said Octavia, nodding in approval. “How did things go?”
 
“Let’s see…” Natural Twenty said, retrieving some pieces of paper from his saddlebag. “Well, I was trying to do what I expected you two would-”
 
“And?” Octavia interrupted impatiently.
 
“- and so for the first session I spent about two hours with your characters arguing amongst themselves before deciding that I probably had better things to do,” Natural Twenty said matter-of-factly.
 
“Hey, don’t be so unrealistic!” protested Octavia. “Two hours is far too short an argument time for Vinyl and I! Well, I suppose it depends upon whether one counts the angry sex we usually end up having halfway through…”
 
“Anyway,” interrupted Natural Twenty, pretending not to have heard the last few lines, “the second play-test went much better. Your characters rolled terribly on their way out of the village, got spotted and their disguises were seen through, and then they ended up in a fight against the villagers.”
 
“…And you call that better?” asked Octavia, raising an eyebrow once more.
 
“To be fair, it didn’t really get better until you were kicked into the ravine, and Vinyl failed to save you or survive the fall down there,” Natural Twenty said gleefully. He put a hoof to his chin in thought. “Come to think of it, when I say it was better, I meant better for me.”
 
Octavia sighed. “Whatever. So long as I get some decent loot, I-”
 
“’Sup, guys?” Octavia was interrupted as a door slid open and Vinyl entered the room. She walked over to Octavia, collapsed onto her, and then slid to the floor. “Man, are we ready for the roleplay already? Sweet as.” Vinyl looked over to Natural Twenty. “How’s it going, Natural?”
 
“I am doing quite well, thank you, Vinyl,” he replied politely. “How are you?”
 
Vinyl grinned at him. It wasn’t her usual trademark grin – it was slightly more lopsided and wobbly. “I’m drunk!” she said happily.
 
“…Okay,” Natural Twenty replied after a moment of hesitation. “Will this impede your ability to roleplay for this session?”
 
“’Course it won’t!” Vinyl exclaimed. “I’m like, so happy and coherent when I’m drunk, y’know? Man, I am gonna be all over rolling dices and stuff today!”
 
“If you insist,” said Natural Twenty nonchalantly. “And there is no plural of dice; dice is the plural of die.”
 
“Whatever!” said Vinyl, clumsily climbing to her hooves. “I know what I’m talking abo-whoah!” Within moments of stability, Vinyl somehow managed to fall backwards onto Octavia, so that she was leaning on the Earth pony. “Hey babe,” she said, rearranging herself slightly so that she was sharing the couch with Octavia, “is this seat taken?” She gave Octavia a quick kiss on the mouth.
 
Octavia giggled nervously. “Vinyl, we have to start the roleplay – Natural Twenty has travelled quite a distance to get here, and as pleased as I would be to cuddle you for a while, we shouldn’t keep him waiting."
 
Vinyl grinned again. “You’re a cool mare, Octavia! I like what you talk about!” She rolled to the ground with a loud thump!, dragged herself over to the armchair she had sat in the other day, and then awkwardly climbed into it. “So are we starting, or what?” she asked as Octavia passed her character sheet to her.
 
“That we are,” said Natural Twenty. “As I’m sure you’ll both recall, last session ended with you two managing to disrupt the magical field protecting the sword and the tablet of the village, and-”
 
“We were about to have sex!” interrupted Vinyl loudly. Natural Twenty cringed slightly.
 
“Yes… I was sort of hoping that we could start this session after that happened in-universe,” he said.
 
“Yeah, whatever man. It’s all cool, right?” Vinyl said. “So, like… can I take the sword?”
 
“Like buck you can!” Octavia exclaimed. “That sword is my loot, Vinyl!”
 
“But…but… but you get the tablet for that…thing…that was in the temple, yes?” Vinyl pouted at Octavia as she finished her stammering.
 
“Well…how about you can have it for now, and then when we have all three we can head back to the temple and you can give it back to me then?” Octavia suggested mischievously. “That way I’ll still get it, but you can have it for longer!”
 
“Cool!” said Vinyl, grinning happily in spite of how much she was getting screwed over. “Right, so I’ll…roll?”
 
“What for?” asked Natural Twenty.
 
“I dunno. What do we normally roll for again?” Although Vinyl was staring at the board, her gaze was unfocused, and she wasn’t blinking.
 
“You could roll to try and escape the village without being seen, I suppose,” suggested Natural Twenty. “Unless you want to do something else here before leaving, of course.”
 
“Hmm…although I do not wish to stay here for too long, I do wonder whether there may be a clue as to where the next tablet is hidden…” Octavia thought out loud. “Vinyl, your mask disguising you as the village chieftess lasts one hour, correct?”
 
“…Yes?” said Vinyl, squinting at her character sheet.
 
“Right. Natural Twenty, how much longer before that disappears?” Octavia asked.
 
“Roll an endurance check and I’ll tell you,” he said.
 
“Why?”
 
“It’ll determine how much longer it lasts.”
 
“Okay…” Octavia said, rolling at his behest. What is this all in aid of? An endurance check shouldn’t affect the magic of the mask… “Fifteen with modifiers,” she said.
 
“Right, so multiply that by three… Vinyl’s mask will last another five minutes,” Natural Twenty said.
 
“How so? That’s rather specific,” Octavia said.
 
“Well, according to your endurance check you two had sex for forty-five minutes, and I added five minutes before and after it. Hence five minutes,” Natural Twenty explained, grinning at his own inventiveness.
 
The one time when taking my time works against me! Octavia thought to herself. “Right, in that case, we should probably get out of the village whilst we still can, Vinyl. At least, you probably should; the villagers think that I am the chieftess’ friend.”
 
“Nah, no stress, Octavia,” said Vinyl, slurring her words slightly as she looked at Octavia from a slightly tilted angle. “I can totally use the mask again probably.”
 
“Really?” Octavia asked, surprised.
 
“Yeah…at least, I think that’s what 3-slash-Day means, right next to it.” Vinyl leaned over to pass Octavia her character sheet, but fell out of her seat in the process, landing flat on her face. “Oof!”
 
 “Huh. It seems as though you are correct, Vinyl,” said Octavia. “Well then, I assume that you’ll use it once your current mask runs out of magical power?” A muffled sound came from the carpet where Vinyl’s face was. “We’ll take that as a yes.”
 
“Alright then, since I assume that Vinyl will use her final use of the utility talent for the day once this second mask runs out of magical power, the two of you have two hours to explore the village,” Natural Twenty summarised. “What would you like to do?”
 
“I’ll hide my sword, and step out into the village,” Octavia said. “I plan to see whether the villagers have any idea where the next tablet is.”
 
“I’ll find somewhere to get a drink!” said Vinyl as she managed to pull herself up from the floor and back into her chair.
 
“Right then. Octavia, roll a persuasion check, since I assume that you shall be asking the local villagers about the tablet. Vinyl, roll a streetwise check.” Both ponies did so.
 
“Natural Twenty!” cried Vinyl after squinting at her roll for a moment to read the die properly.
 
“Oh, good roll, Vinyl,” said Natural Twenty.
 
“No, no, I meant like…your name, Natural Twenty…because it’s Natural Twenty, yeah?” Vinyl said, slurring more. “Hey, that’s just like a dice roll!”
 
“…I never noticed,” said Natural Twenty in a deadpan tone. “What did you roll, Vinyl?”
 
“Natural…six?” Vinyl said hesitantly. “Hey, that totally sounds like the name of your brother! Do you have a brother?”
 
Natural Twenty grimaced. “I don’t talk about Natural Six much,” he said. “But regardless, you manage to find a nearby stream; the apparent source of the village’s water.” He smiled. “You were looking for a drink, after all.”
 
“YES!” shouted Vinyl, leaping into the air and managing to fall out of her chair once more. “Oof! I’m okay, everypony!”
 
“Excellent,” said Natural Twenty casually. “Now, Octavia, what did you roll?”
 
“A twenty-four, with modifiers,” said Octavia, looking quite pleased with herself.
 
“Good roll,” complimented Natural Twenty. “You ask around the village for a bit, and although most ponies are too reluctant to tell you anything, particularly after you mention that you know about the temple, you eventually find a villager who trusts you based on the ‘chieftess’’ judgement.”
 
“What does he say?” asked Octavia eagerly.
 
“According to him, two of the three tablets needed for the temple were stolen generations ago to parts unknown. As neither he, nor anypony here, has ever left the village and explored Equestria properly, he has no idea where they would be after all these years.”
 
“Leaving that plot thread for us to find over the course of several sessions, Natural?” Octavia asked, smiling.
He smiled in return. “But of course, my dear Octavia. How else am I supposed to pad out – I mean, make the campaign a decent and realistic length?”
 
Octavia shrugged. “Well, so long as I get some decent loot I shall be pleased. Speaking of, what does this sword do? I assume that it is more than just a shiny sharp piece of metal.”
 
“Roll a perception check to work it out,” Natural Twenty said. Octavia did so.
 
“How does a twenty-two with modifiers sound?” Octavia asked confidently.
 
“Nah, that’s pretty crappy.”
 
“What?”
 
“This sword may or may not have an enchantment, but if it did – which believe me, it may not – I wouldn’t make it easy to find,” Natural Twenty said. “After all, this is a treasure of the village – they don’t want just anypony working out what it does.”
 
“Ooh! Can I try and work out what it does?” Vinyl asked, putting her hoof up in the air and jumping up and down on the armchair. “I’ll roll a magic check since it’s magic! Like…magic!”
 
“Very well, Vinyl, you may roll an Arcana check,” agreed Natural Twenty.
 
“Natural Twenty!”
 
“…Are you saying my name this time, or did you roll a natural twenty?” the DM asked.
 
“…Both?” Vinyl asked, staring at the die, which true to her confusing claim, had landed on twenty.
 
“Well, seeing as how only you worked out what the sword does, I’ll have to tell you without Octavia finding out,” Natural Twenty said. Vinyl got off the armchair, stumbled her way over to Natural Twenty, and awkwardly leaned towards him as he said something in a low tone.
 
“Wait… isn’t that, like, totally unfair?” Vinyl asked as he finished, looking towards the board. Octavia raised an eyebrow.
 
“Potentially, but if she were to…” Natural’s voice went low again as he continued speaking to Vinyl.
 
“Well…okay then…” said Vinyl, clumsily making her way back to her seat.
 
“Well?” said Octavia after a moment of silence.
 
“…No, I was drinking from a river…I think,” said Vinyl, squinting and staring at the board.
 
“…I meant, ‘Well, what does the sword do?’” Octavia deadpanned.
 
“Oh! Um, well, Natural Twenty said that rocks would fall if I told you since that would spoil the surprise… I dunno what that means, but it sounds scary,” said Vinyl, her gaze focusing and unfocusing on Octavia as she spoke. “Hey, Octavia… did you know that you’re at a weird angle?”
 
“Well…could you at least tell me where the sword would be useful?” asked Octavia, giving a cautionary glance to Natural Twenty as she spoke.
 
Vinyl too looked to Natural Twenty to find him frowning and shaking his head. “…No?” she said.
 
“Fine then, I suppose I shall just try and roll another perception check later,” said Octavia, sighing. “At any rate, as we have no idea where the next few tablets are, I suppose we should head out of the jungle.”
 
“Canterlot!” exclaimed Vinyl. Octavia gave her a look. “What? They’ve got good bars there. Anything’s better than this boring old stream.” Vinyl seemed a little more coherent than before – she mustn’t have had as much to drink as Octavia had thought she had.
 
Octavia mused over Vinyl’s suggestion. “Well, I suppose that as the capital of Equestria, there may be information passing through there about the tablets, so it is as good a place as any to try. We should leave the village, and then find the path to head in that will lead us in the general direction of-”
 
“After several days of travel,” interrupted Natural Twenty, “the two of you arrive in Canterlot, the bustling capital of Equestria. Everywhere around you are fancy ponies with more bits to their names than you could ever dream of having! The paths are all-”
 
“Hang on a minute,” said Octavia, being the one to interrupt Natural Twenty this time, “did we just…arrive in Canterlot?”
 
“Not just then – it took you several days’ journey. But from a meta level, yes,” Natural Twenty confirmed.
 
“How the bloody hay does that work?” Octavia asked, frowning. “If we want to cross the jungle, or get through a temple, it takes us a billion rolls and several hours of real-life play, but if we want to get to a city which is several days’ travel by train, we just teleport there?”
 
“Well, I was really skipping over the travel time, since nothing interesting happened there,” explained Natural Twenty. “But it did take you two as long as you said – you caught a train, and –”
 
“How?” Octavia interrupted again. “We lost all of our possessions at the start of the campaign – we have no money with which to buy tickets.”
 
“I have a tablet!” said Vinyl, oblivious to the conversation.
“As a matter of fact,” Octavia continued, “where is the train station? There’s hardly going to be one in the middle of the jungle now, is there? And if there’s one just outside the jungle, then how the bloody buck did we get through the jungle without any food, water, shelter, or being eaten by the creatures that reside within it?”
 
Natural Twenty sighed, and put a hoof to his eyes. After a minute or so of silence, he rolled a d20. It landed on sixteen. “There, that’s how.”
 
“…What?” Octavia asked.
 
“A powerful wizard on the other side of Equestria was trying to teleport his bag full of money to him, but he fumbled the spell and instead sent it to you. The spell also teleported you two to the nearest train station,” Natural Twenty said. “Better?”
 
“Fine,” said Octavia, rolling her eyes. “What shall we do now that we’re in Canterlot, Vinyl?”
 
“Wait – we’re in Canterlot?” Vinyl exclaimed. “I hate Canterlot!”
 
“…You suggested we go here,” Octavia said, controlling her rage.
 
“Did I? Dunno why I’d do that, Canterlot’s full of snobs,” said Vinyl, taken aback.
 
“…We live in Canterlot,” Octavia said, pointing out the window.
 
“When the hay was that mentioned?!” Vinyl shouted in surprise, staring at the window as though she’d never seen it before.
 
As Octavia facehoofed, Natural Twenty quietly said, “For the record, it’s fairly late at night when you arrive in Canterlot.”
 
“Well then, I suppose we should find a place to spend the night, since I assume that you won’t just give us our house in Canterlot,” said Octavia. “I’ll drag Vinyl towards the nearest inn.”
 
“Right. Anything you two want to do before going to bed?” Natural Twenty asked.
 
“…Sex?” Vinyl suggested.
 
“If you must,” said Natural Twenty, rolling his eyes. “Now, I’ll need both of you to roll perception checks.” Both ponies did so. “Did either of you get above twenty-three with modifiers?” The two mares shook their heads.
 
“Right then,” said Natural Twenty. “As a result of this, neither of you hear the hoofsteps in your room in the middle of the night, so neither of you wake up.”
 
“…Where are you going with this, Natural Twenty?” asked Octavia, frowning.
 
“Do you think that we could have sleep-sex with each other?” asked Vinyl bluntly to Octavia.
 
“The next day, the two of you wake up to find yourselves in a completely different place,” said Natural Twenty, ignoring Vinyl. “It’s dark, creaking, and the room appears to be moving somewhat. You can’t see where you are in the darkness.”
 
Swallowing, Octavia rolled a die. “I am rolling a perception check to work out where we are,” she stated.
 
“Nice roll,” said Natural Twenty, looking at the die. “From a few clues – namely the moving of the room and the material it’s made out of – you’re able to deduce where you are and what happened.”
 
He stared at the two ponies as he said the next part. “You have been kidnapped from your room in the middle of the night by unknown parties, and spirited away. At the moment, Vinyl and Octavia, you are being forcibly shipped.”


> Chapter Nine: The Sea is a Cruel Mistress
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Both Vinyl and Octavia sat there in stunned silence, their jaws slowly dropping. “You- you’re really making us…?” Octavia asked.
 
“Being…shipped?” Vinyl asked, blinking intermittently.
 
“Yes, you are both being forcibly shipped,” said Natural Twenty. “Whomever it is that has kidnapped you two, they have forced you into a crate to be shipped, since as already mentioned, Octavia has worked out that you two are travelling via the sea.”
 
“You have got to be kidding me, not again…” muttered Octavia irritably to herself. “Natural Twenty, may I ask- out of character, of course- why exactly it is that we’re being shipped? This is hardly a common situation for two ponies to be in, particularly seeing as how this is supposed to be a jungle-based campaign.”
 
“Well, I was originally planning on setting the entire campaign in the jungle,” explained Natural Twenty, “but then it occurred to me that there’s a variety of scenarios which would be much more fun to run for you, one of which is this one. And besides, you may recall that I said that I was currently running a sea-based campaign for another group of friends, yes? This allows me to reuse a ton of stats, so planning this session was easy.”
 
Octavia grimaced. “Well, be that as it may…why do Vinyl and I always have to be shipped together? Granted, it’s only happened once before this, but still…”
 
Vinyl pouted upon hearing this. “You- you don’t wanna be shipped with me, Octavia?”
 
“Hardly,” said Octavia. “There’s no fun in being shipped – as a matter of fact, it is quite possibly my least favourite thing to do.”
 
“But-but-but – I thought… I thought I meant something to you, Octavia…” Vinyl slurred, staring at Octavia with an odd look. She was wobbling slightly as she spoke. “I – I thought that we liked each other, and-and-”
 
Octavia raised an eyebrow. “Vinyl, I am referring to us being packed into a crate and being shipped off to unknown parts. What exactly are you talking about?”
 
“I…don’t…know…” said Vinyl slowly, her eyes unfocusing as she spoke. “Why are we in a crate, Octavia?”
 
“Because we were kidnapped in the middle of the night, Vinyl,” said Octavia, sighing.
 
“…Can I keep it after we get out of it?” asked Vinyl, still spacing out.
 
“I suppose so, if Natural Twenty is alright with it,” said Octavia. “What do you plan to do with it?”
 
“I could like…keep stuff in it…like…crates?”
 
“Oooookaaay,” said Octavia slowly, “that sounds like a…good… idea. Regardless, we should probably focus on getting out of it first.”
 
“An excellent idea,” commented Natural Twenty. “What do the two of you plan to do?”
 
“Well, I suppose there’s nothing wrong with trying to kick through the wood, is there?” Octavia asked. Natural Twenty shook his head. “Well then, I shall roll a stunts check to do so.” She picked up a d20 and rolled it. “Excellent! A twenty-nine with my stunts skill added!”
 
“Bah, that’s no fun!” said Natural Twenty, grinning. “To my regret, Octavia is strong enough to kick through the wood, and does so, freeing the two of you from the crate.” There was a moment of silence.
 
“And?” asked Octavia.
 
“And what?”
 
“And then what happens?” Octavia asked. “A spell pulls us back in and seals up the hole? A hydra bursts out of a hole in space and time and eats me? I spontaneously combust?”
 
“Nothing happens,” Natural Twenty said. “There is now a hole in the crate, large enough for the two of you to escape through.”
 
“…What’s your game, Natural?” asked Octavia, raising an eyebrow suspiciously.
 
“Pony Tales, of course,” he said, grinning.
 
“No, I meant-”
 
“I know what you meant,” Natural Twenty interrupted. “And whilst I don’t blame you for being suspicious, I – look, after the session the other day, I realised that that was perhaps a tiny bit unfair to you two, so I’ve decided to try and be more flexible with the campaign.”
 
“Really?” asked Octavia, surprised.
 
“Hey, aside from getting you guys to Canterlot, how much railroading have I done this session? And even the Canterlot thing was more of a hoof wave for how you could get there so quickly,” Natural Twenty pointed out. Octavia still looked suspicious. “Listen, I promise that none of those things, nor anything else bad, will happen should you exit the crate.”
 
“…You promise?” asked Octavia, raising an eyebrow.
 
“I swear on my die that always rolls natural twenties,” the unicorn replied. Mustn’t…summon…hydra, he thought. Keep the campaign fun. Keep it happy. Think of the dice, Natural. Think of the dice. The dice wouldn’t be happy with you summoning a hydra, and neither would Vinyl or Octavia.
 
“That doesn’t count,” laughed Octavia. “Back in university, we all knew that it rolled so well because you used your magic to rig the roll.”
 
“You kn- I mean, of course I didn’t!” Natural Twenty said. “That was just luck!”
 
“Whatever,” said Octavia, rolling her eyes, but still smiling nonetheless. “Regardless, I shall leave the crate through the hole and drag Vinyl out with me.”
 
“You find yourselves in what appears to be the cargo hold of a ship,” said Natural Twenty. “Aside from a ladder to get to a higher deck, the two of you are surrounded by crates similar to the one you two just escaped from.”
 
“…Can I use my telekinesis to make a hole in the crate?” asked Vinyl unexpectedly, speaking for the first time in a few minutes.
 
“Um, I beg your pardon?” asked Natural Twenty.
 
“Don’t mind Vinyl, she just sometimes has a slow reaction time,” said Octavia, reaching over and patting the white unicorn on the head. “Isn’t that right, Vinyl?”
 
“I like your hooves, Octavia,” said Vinyl, smiling happily. “They’re great for cuddling me!”
 
“Something which I shall have to do at some point tonight,” said Octavia, smiling in return. “Regardless, we should probably head to the next deck, and-”
 
“Wait – what about the crates?” asked Vinyl. “They might have, like, booze in them!”
 
Octavia shrugged. “I suppose we may as well see what we’re being transported with. Are the crates locked in any way, Natural Twenty?”
 
“Nah, feel free to open them…if you dare!” he said, grinning mischievously. Vinyl and Octavia exchanged worried looks. “Sorry, couldn’t resist,” he said.
 
“…I shall reluctantly open a crate,” said Octavia, a noticeable quiver of fear in her voice. “Naturally, I am prepared to leap back for when the inevitable hydra bursts out.”
 
“Don’t be silly, Octavia,” said Natural Twenty. DON’T put one in there. Think of the dice. Think of the dice. “Inside you find…oh, let’s say balloons.”
 
“Balloons?” asked Octavia. “What are they doing here?...Oh Celestia, they are going to explode or something, aren’t they?”
 
“Well for starters, none of them are inflated, so that’s unlikely,” Natural Twenty explained. “Secondly, they’re there because your mysterious kidnappers are planning to have a party later on.”
 
“And the meta-reason why they’re there?”
 
Natural Twenty shrugged. “I figured it would be fun; this campaign could do with a little more silliness.”
 
“…Who are you and what have you done with Natural Twenty?” asked Vinyl after a moment of silence.
 
“Shall we roll perception checks to work out who he is?” Octavia suggested, picking up a d20 and rolling it around in one hoof.
 
“Sure!” Vinyl leaned forwards to grab her d20, missed, unbalanced herself, and fell onto the floor once more. “I’m okay! I’m okay, guys!”
 
 Why is it that her drunken antics only make me like her more? Octavia wondered to herself. “Well, regardless, I say we should head up to the deck of the ship.”
 
“Sweet! What’s the plan, Octavia?” Vinyl asked as she climbed back into her armchair.
 
Octavia shrugged. “Find the captain, capture them, and then demand safe passage in return for their life?”
 
“I like this! I’m gonna head up the stairs to the top deck!” said Vinyl enthusiastically.
 
“And naturally, I shall follow,” Octavia added. “What do we find there?”
 
“As you head up onto desk, you see…” Natural Twenty paused and rolled a d20. “Ooh, you actually don’t see anything!”
 
“The deck’s clear?” Octavia asked hopefully.
 
“No, you don’t see anything because the ship tilts to one side, and you two lose your balance,” said Natural Twenty. “Roll acrobatics checks, you two.”
 
“I somehow managed to get a four, with modifiers,” said Octavia, looking glumly at her die. “Despite the fact that my base acrobatics skill is nine. I was not aware that this die had a negative-five side.”
 
“Hey guys…what does it mean if you roll an ‘I’?” asked Vinyl, squinting at her die.
 
“That’s a one, Vinyl,” said Octavia, looking to it. Turning to Natural Twenty, she grimaced. “Judging by the fact that we both rolled poorly, I assume that something terrible happens?” If a hydra appears, I shall find some way to feed the captain to it, and then steal all of his loot.
 
“In spite of your best efforts, the two of you have never been at sea before, and so you both immediately tumble off the ship and into the ocean,” said Natural Twenty. “And you both rolled poorly, so you can’t blame me for this one. Well, not as much as normal.”
 
“It’s fine, these things happen,” said Octavia, waving a hoof dismissively. “Is there any way we can get out?”
 
“I can totally fly us out,” said Vinyl, grinning. “We’ll be back on deck and doing whatever it is that ponies do on decks before you can say ‘Dammit Vinyl, stop ruining all of my plans!’”
 
“I’ll allow you to fly Octavia and yourself out of the ocean, provided the two of you can survive an endurance check. There is a chance that one of you could be knocked under by a wave before you can grab Octavia and fly out, of course.” The two mares rolled their dice. “Well? What did you roll?” asked Natural Twenty.
 
“Natural? I’ve got Octavia here,” said Vinyl, pointing a hoof to the seventeen that she had rolled. “We’ve managed to avoid drowning! At least, I hope we have, because a seventeen is a pretty good roll, and it’s kinda dumb if that fails.”
 
“Good job,” said Natural Twenty, nodding in approval. “We’ll assume that even if Octavia was knocked under the water, you managed to get her before anything serious could happen, since you rolled fairly well.”
 
“Just for reference, if I had rolled badly, would I have drowned to death immediately?” asked Octavia.
 
“No, you would have taken some damage, and then I would have made you roll more endurance checks until you stopped drowning,” said Natural Twenty. “With every check you fail leading to you taking more damage, of course.”
 
“That seems…fair,” said Octavia, surprised. “Regardless, are you taking me to the deck, Vinyl?”
 
“…That’s not a bar,” said Vinyl, frowning. “Why can’t I take you to a bar?”
 
“Because we have no idea where the nearest one is, and I don’t want you to fall into the ocean halfway there because you failed a roll,” said Octavia simply. She gave a sideways glance to Natural Twenty. “That is what would happen, isn’t it?”
 
“Having to roll to keep up stamina is, naturally,” said Natural Twenty. “Vinyl can’t just fly forever, after all.”
 
Vinyl narrowed her eyes and glared at Natural Twenty. “…Are you saying that I’m a bad flier?”
 
“No, not at all – just that realistically, if you can fly, you’d need stamina to –come to think of it, what is your flying source? Is it magical, technological, or-”
 
“Natural, Vinyl, I think that we’ve gotten a little off-topic here,” interrupted Octavia. “Vinyl, are you flying me to this deck or not?”
 
“Fine, but there’d better be a bar on this ship,” said Vinyl. “What now?”
 
“Now the group of pirates who were on the deck and who watched you go overboard draw their swords and prepare to fight you!” said Natural Twenty gleefully. Vinyl and Octavia both gave him a look. “What? Too soon?”
> Chapter Ten: Laughter Ex Machina
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So I suppose we should roll for initiative then?” asked Octavia. She wasn’t sure whether she was looking forwards to this combat or not – it could be quite fun, as combat was always a nice way to break up some of the monotony of a session, but she had doubts about Natural Twenty fixing his game to be more fun for her and Vinyl, especially in light of how the combat had been last session. And besides, there were much faster and easier ways to get loot than through combat, which she would much rather be doing.
 
“Unless you have a way to stop the pirates, or at least delay them immediately, then you will certainly have to,” said Natural Twenty.
 
Octavia frowned as she looked through her character sheet. This would be so much easier if we had acquired more loot by now! Oh, if I had my time-freezing bracelets from that one campaign back in university…
 
“Can I fly Octavia out?” Vinyl asked, also looking through her character sheet. She didn’t seem to realise that she was holding it upside down.
 
“That depends,” said Natural Twenty. “Are you planning to fly her to another part of the ship, or are you planning to fly her to someplace else – such as land, for instance?”
 
“I want to go to a bar,” said Vinyl, grinning at Natural Twenty.
 
“…Yeeessss,” he said slowly, “but what do you want to do within the roleplay?”
 
“Uuuhhh…” Vinyl said, frowning as she looked at the game board. Natural Twenty had set up enemy figurines on the board as he had announced the presence of the pirates. From the looks of the board, Vinyl and Octavia were not in a good position.
 
“You know, you totally weren’t meant to escape the crate when you did,” he pointed out, beaming. “I was hoping that you two would escape at night when they were all asleep, or when they docked at the nearest island and half of them went out exploring.”
 
We could have had the pirates explore the island, find whatever treasure or loot there is, and then steal it from the cargo hold, thought Octavia to herself, staring blankly at the table in thought. Confound it! Why didn’t we wait longer? See, this is why I need the time-freezing bracelets – there was that one time when we were stuck inside that volcano, so Double Bass used an arcana check to modify the magic of them so that we could turn back time instead, thus-
 
“Um, Octavia?” asked Natural Twenty, interrupting her inner monologue. “Are you still with us?”
 
“Are there any time-freezing bracelets nearby?” Octavia asked, still staring blankly at the table.
 
“What?...Oh, those things,” said Natural Twenty. “I remember those. They were super-silly.”
 
“Do we see any lying around?” Octavia asked.
 
Natural Twenty grimaced. “Maybe I’ll throw them in the campaign later, but for now you’re stuck without them,” he said. “Anyway, are you two fighting the pirates or not?”
 
“What do you say, Vinyl?” Octavia turned to her lover, who was grinning at the board. “Do you have any plans? Are you going to fly me somewhere else?”
 
“Nah, there are no decent bars around here,” Vinyl replied. “Well, there’s that one good one, but the bartender there hates us, remember?”
 
“…No, I meant what do you want to do with me in the roleplay,” said Octavia, rolling her eyes.
 
“Oh. Oh, I want to have sex with you!” said Vinyl, her grin broadening.
 
Octavia frowned. “You seem to have sex on the brain quite a lot recently.” In response, Vinyl shrugged.
 
“Sex is fun, alright? Can you blame me for wanting some?”
 
“Then why won’t you just hurry up and do it with me rather than being all talk, no action?” Octavia muttered under her breath.
 
“Sorry? Didn’t quite catch that.”
 
“I said that I’d rather we don’t have to fight these pirates,” said Octavia, smiling warmly at Vinyl. “Now, are you going to fly me away, or shall we stay and fight? We have spent far too long on this decision.”
 
“I dunno if I can, y’know, carry you all the way to land or whatever,” said Vinyl, flipping through her character sheet once more as she spoke. “I mean, I – hey, what’s this? Element of Laughter?”
 
In unison, both Octavia and Natural Twenty bit their lips. “That- that is…” began Octavia.
 
“It’s an…interesting…mechanism,” said Natural Twenty. “Let’s just say that there’s a reason both Octavia and I just bit our lips in fear.”
 
“Honestly, Vinyl, I would not recommend using the Element of Laughter,” said Octavia. “It’s just as likely to hinder us as it is to hurt us.”
 
“Sweet!” said Vinyl happily. “I’m using it!” There was a moment of silence.
 
“We both tell you not to use it…and you decide to use it?” questioned Octavia.
 
“Yeah, cos like, I can tell that you two are doing a reverse psychology-type thing on me!” said Vinyl. “I’ve got you both figured out!”
 
“I can understand why you would believe Natural Twenty to be tricking you,” said Octavia, “but why wouldn’t you listen to me? I’m on your side!” She looked away from Vinyl. “At least, until you start trying to keep all the loot, like they always do…”
 
“Don’t suppose I could convince you to reconsider this action?” asked Natural Twenty, a hopeful look in his eye.
 
Vinyl smiled. “Pass me a… a…” She looked at her character sheet. “A d100?!” She looked at Natural Twenty’s saddlebag. “How in the hay do you fit something that big in your bag?!” she asked.
 
“I didn’t actually bring a d100 today, Vinyl,” said Natural Twenty, silently deciding that it was easier than explaining what a d100 was to the drunken unicorn, “so you can just roll two d10s.” He levitated them across the table to her. “The red one will be the tens value, the blue the ones value.”
 
“Right! Let’s see what happens!” Vinyl said happily.
 
Octavia grimaced, recalling some incidents that had happened with the Element of Laughter in past sessions. In simplest terms, the player using it would roll a d100. The DM would have a table of effects, each corresponding to a number between one and one hundred. Whatever number the player rolled would activate that effect.
 
The thing that made the Element of Laughter so deadly was that the effects could be anything – one time, one of Octavia’s roleplaying friends had accidentally resurrected a major villain of the campaign with it. Another time, everypony in the party had suddenly grown gills and needed to breathe water for the rest of the session. Although Octavia knew that Natural Twenty purposely put more positive effects in his table of effects than negative ones, there were still many, many, many opportunities for this to go wrong.
 
Octavia was broken out of her reminiscence by the sound of the two d10s clattering onto the coffee table. She swallowed. “What did you roll?”
 
“Twenty-seven,” said Vinyl, looking at the dice. She turned to Natural Twenty. “What does that do?”
 
Relatively speaking, that’s not too high a roll, thought Octavia, biting her lip once more without realising it. Would Natural Twenty make lower rolls have worse effects in his effects table?
 
“Let’s see…” said Natural Twenty, flipping through a few pages of his, “twenty-seven, twenty-seven… here we are!” Both Vinyl and Octavia leaned forwards in anticipation. Natural Twenty cleared his throat before continuing. “A white-coloured aura surrounds Vinyl’s horn. Some of the pirates look a little wary, but for the most part they still look prepared to rush and attack you. Vinyl feels the magical energy pulsing through her horn for a few seconds, before it disappears and bursts out from her in a fifty-metre radius. For a few moments, everypony is blinded!”
 
Octavia realised that she was holding her breath, and released it. “What happens?” she asked.
 
“Vinyl, you look around the deck to see…no pirates,” said Natural Twenty dramatically.
 
“I’m awesome,” said Vinyl, turning to Octavia and grinning.
 
“And what do I see?” asked Octavia eagerly.
 
“You see…wood,” said Natural Twenty simply. Octavia gave him a look. “Wooden planks of the deck, to be precise.” He lazily rolled a die. “You can also smell a fly nearby.”
 
Octavia slowly raised an eyebrow. “Natural…what’s happened to me?”
 
“Why don’t you ask Vinyl?” he asked, grinning.
 
“Is Octavia sexier than before?” Vinyl asked Natural Twenty.
 
“Octavia? Why, what in Equestria are you talking about?” he replied, still grinning. “She’s nowhere to be seen. Instead, where she was is a small lizard, trying to make sense of its surroundings.”
 
“WHAT?!”
 
“You can also look to the deck and see that where there was a hoard of bloodthirsty pirates before, there is now a group of lizards, similar-looking to the one beside you.” Natural Twenty’s grin grew larger. “You rolled nicely on that one.”
 
“So…everypony within the blast was turned into a lizard?” Octavia asked through gritted teeth.
 
“No, not everypony,” said Natural Twenty in a matter-of-fact way. “Vinyl wasn’t affected by the magical spell – it’s not as though she rolled a twenty-eight or anything.” He leaned in her general direction. “Again, nice roll.”
 
“I am cool with this,” said Vinyl, leaning back in her chair and putting her hooves behind her head.
 
“But…I…I…” Octavia said, trying to think of some way out of the situation. “This does wear off, doesn’t it? Vinyl can just wait for it to wear off me, yes?”
 
“Of course,” said Natural Twenty. “Naturally, you don’t know when it does, and depending upon how it affects everypony’s physiology, the spell may wear off on the pirates beforehoof.”
 
Octavia grimaced. “I flick my tongue out passive-aggressively,” she said bitterly.
 
“Are there any clothes around here?” Vinyl asked unexpectedly. Natural Twenty paused for a moment before waving a hoof.
 
“Sure, there’s a crate of clothing supplies for the pirates right next to Octavia.”
 
“I’ll take a shirt from it, yeah? Then I’ll totally put Octavia into the front pocket,” Vinyl said.
 
“Any objections, Octavia?” asked Natural Twenty.
 
“…I flick my tongue out passive-aggressively,” Octavia repeated.
 
“Excellent!” said Natural Twenty. “What are the plans, Vinyl?”
 
The unicorn thought for a moment, before muttering to herself under her breath. “If I…we had those balloons…but then if the pirates turn back…”
 
“Well?”
 
“Got it!” Vinyl said happily. She turned to Octavia. “Octavia, we are totally taking this ship back to Canterlot!”
 
“Let me guess – to find a bar?” Octavia asked. Vinyl shook her head.
 
“Not in the slightest, Octavia! I figure we take over this ship…”
 
“Yes…”
 
“…attach all the balloons to it…”
 
“…Yes?”
 
“…and we fly it to Canterlot, transform it into a warship, and use it to take down Celestia!” Vinyl grinned broadly. “What do you say?”
> Chapter Eleven: Those Magnificent Mares in Their Flying Machine
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Um…” Octavia looked at Natural Twenty awkwardly. “I somehow don’t think that going after Celestia in a warship will be allowed, Vinyl.”
 
“Oh, on the contrary, Octavia, I am perfectly fine with you and Vinyl going after Celestia,” said Natural Twenty. “Of course, I can’t actually guarantee that you two will actually be able to defeat her, but should that happen, you’ll both be rewarded generously. Probably.”
 
Does that mean…more loot? Or does he just mean that we would become the new rulers of Equestria? wondered Octavia. Or could he mean that we’d be thrown into Canterlot Castle’s dungeon? She glanced over at Natural Twenty, who was smiling at her friendlily. It’s hard to gauge what his intention is should we go after Celestia … but at the same time, I like the idea of being rewarded with loot and becoming the rulers of Equestria… and then Vinyl and I could send servants out to finish off the temple in the jungle!
 
Thinking over a few more points, Octavia came to her decision. Knowing that she would regret it should it prove to be the wrong one, she faced Vinyl. “Vinyl?” she asked.
 
The unicorn mare was currently trying to balance a d20 on her nose, but it clattered to the ground as she raised her head to look at her friend. “Yo?” she asked.
 
“I completely agree. Let’s go take out Celestia using this ship!” Octavia announced. Now with a bit of luck, Natural Twenty will have been bluffing the entire time, and he won’t have planned for us to fight Celestia – thus giving us the element of surprise!
 
Vinyl grinned in agreement. Then a moment later she frowned. “Hey, I don’t have a slow reaction time!” she growled. There was a pause between all the ponies in the room.
 
“…I beg your pardon?” Octavia asked, confused.
 
“You were just saying how sometimes I have a slow reaction time!” Vinyl exclaimed. “And then you patted me on the head with those soft cuddly hooves of yours – have I ever mentioned they’re great for cuddling me- and then –” Vinyl stopped as she looked at Natural and Octavia, both of whom were raising their eyebrows at her. Her mouth slowly curled upwards from a confused expression to an awkward smile as she pieced together the situation. “Let’s never speak of this again?” she asked.
 
“Only when I need to tease you about something, you silly mare,” said Octavia, leaning over and giving Vinyl a friendly poke in the ribs.
 
“Vinyl’s sudden reaction aside, what are you two going to do?” asked Natural Twenty. “Or rather, what is Vinyl going to do?”
 
“Can she use her magic to reverse the spell on me?” asked Octavia.
 
“If she rolls well enough with an arcana check,” Natural Twenty replied. Both ponies turned to Vinyl.
 
“Well, Vinyl?” asked Octavia after it became apparent that the unicorn wasn’t going to roll the die immediately (she was trying to balance it on her nose again). “Are you going to roll the arcana check?”
 
Once more, the die fell to the ground as Vinyl looked at Octavia. “Depends,” she asked, slurring the word somewhat, “do I get cuddles if I roll well enough?”
 
Octavia smirked. “Oh, you’ll get a lot more than just cuddles, Vinyl,” she said, batting her eyelids a few times. “Assuming you pick up on the hints for once…” she added afterwards in a low mutter.
 
“Sweet!” said Vinyl, grinning. “Let’s spin this!” She clumsily levitated her d20 from the floor and threw it to the table. “Eighteen!” she cried happily.
 
“Which added to your arcana skill, gives you a thirty-two,” said Octavia, glancing at Vinyl’s character sheet. Both mares turned to Natural Twenty in unison. “How’s that?” Octavia asked, grinning.
 
Natural Twenty grimaced, unsure what to do. On the one hoof, that’s really not a high enough roll for Vinyl to undo high-level magic like that, he thought. On the other, most of this session was supposed to be them sneaking around the pirate ship and fighting the pirates, so I’m low on material to stretch it out…
 
“Well?” Octavia asked.
 
Natural Twenty shrugged. “Sure, whatever. Vinyl’s spell manages to undo the previous one she cast, turning Octavia back into a regular Earth pony.”
 
“Oh, cool!” said Vinyl gleefully. “Does she have, like, super lizard powers now?”
 
Octavia let out a small gasp of excitement as she considered the possibilities. Climbing around walls to avoid traps…being able to smell danger…having to find warm spots to heat my body – wait, that last one wasn’t so good… Shaking her head slightly, she grinned at Natural Twenty again. “Do I?”
 
Natural Twenty smiled friendlily. “No.”
 
Vinyl gasped. “What?! That’s bullshit!”
 
“Yeah!” agreed Octavia. “Why don’t I get lizard powers?”
 
“Because… there’s no reason for you to?” Natural Twenty pointed out slowly, raising an eyebrow. Octavia scowled.
 
“Damn. I was hoping that you wouldn’t think it through properly,” she said. “Regardless, we should probably do something about the pirate-lizards, Vinyl.”
 
“Do you think that if one of them bites you you’ll gain super lizard-pirate powers?” asked Vinyl excitedly.
 
“…I could improve my sword-fighting skills!” Octavia said, thinking it over.
 
“You could get drunk on rum with me!” Vinyl pointed out.
 
“We could sail the ship to an island and I could take it over using my pirate powers!”
 
“You could plunder my booty!”
 
Both Vinyl and Octavia were both very excited by this point at the prospect of Octavia gaining lizard-pirate powers. They both turned to Natural Twenty excitedly. “Well? Do I get the pirate powers?” Octavia asked.
 
Natural Twenty had been watching the two converse with a bemused look on his face, but as Octavia asked him, he raised an eyebrow. “…Why do you need to be bitten by one of the lizard-pirates to develop the powers?” he asked. “Can’t you just grab some pirate clothes from the ship, put them on, and declare yourself a pirate?”
 
Octavia scoffed. “Really now, Natural, you of all ponies should know that one simply doesn’t become a pirate overnight.”
 
Me of all ponies?! Natural questioned.
 
“Being a pirate is a way of life – I can’t just jump into it,” Octavia continued. “That’s why I need a pirate-lizard-”
 
“Lizard-pirate,” corrected Vinyl. “A pirate-lizard is a lizard who’s a pirate, not a pirate who’s a lizard.”
 
“- a lizard-pirate to bite me and give me the powers of a pirate,” Octavia finished. “It’s the only way in which I can become a pirate so suddenly.”
 
“Although it’d be much cooler if you were bitten by a lizard-ninja,” Vinyl pointed out. “Ninjas are much cooler than pirates.”
 
“I suppose that pirates are somewhat dirty, yes,” Octavia agreed, thinking it over quickly. “Regardless, would I get super lizard-pirate powers were I to be bitten by one of the lizard-pirates?” she asked.
 
“No,” said Natural Twenty bluntly.
 
“You’re not going to at least think it over?” Octavia asked, disappointed.
 
Natural Twenty blinked. “I’ve thought it over, and my answer is still no,” he said.
 
“Damn,” Octavia muttered. “I suppose we’ll just have to find some lizard-ninjas after all.”
 
“Hey, is the plural of ninja ‘ninjas’ or ‘ninja’?” Vinyl suddenly asked. As Octavia opened her mouth to answer, she was interrupted by Natural Twenty.
 
“You know, you two still haven’t decided what to do about the lizard-pirates,” he pointed out.
 
Octavia shrugged. “I suppose that Vinyl can just fly them all up to the crow’s nest. That way when they transform back into ponies they’ll be stuck up there, giving us the opportunity to tie them up.”
 
“Ah, but what if some of them are pegasi?” Natural Twenty asked mischievously.
 
“I didn’t see any pegasi,” Vinyl slurred.
 
“…Of course not. This is all imaginary,” Natural Twenty pointed out.
 
“Then I imagine that there are no pegasi-pirates!” Vinyl declared happily. “I mean, man, can you picture how crazy that would be? Pegasi-pirate-lizards. What’s with this campaign?”
 
“You two joined it, that’s what,” muttered Natural Twenty. “Anyway, I guess we’ll just have to see whether there are any pegasi in amongst the lizard-pirates, won’t we?” He was shaking a d20 in his hoof as he spoke, and he rolled it onto the table as he finished. “Natural One? Seriously?”
 
“You really rolled that badly?” Octavia asked, trying to contain her excitement.
 
“Yes, and it’s all the fault of Natural One –my brother,” he explained, seeing their confused looks. “It appears that he used up all of the natural twenties on this d20 when I wasn’t looking. I can’t believe that he would do that!”
 
Octavia shrugged. “Well, it looks as though none of the lizard-pirates are pegasi, so I suppose there’s nothing to allow their escape once they’re in the crow’s nest!” she said. “Vinyl, I assume that you’ll fly them up?”
 
“Aren’t I too drunk?” Vinyl asked, trying to balance a d20 on her nose for a third time. “That’s totally irresponsible, to fly while drunk!”
 
“…You’re drunk right now, Vinyl. You’re not in the roleplay,” Octavia said.
 
“…Seriously?” Vinyl asked. She rolled around so that she was on her back, looking at Octavia upside-down. (The d20 fell off her nose and to the floor once more). “Why aren’t I in the roleplay anymore? Why did you and Natural Twenty kick me out?”
 
Octavia facehoofed. “No, Vinyl, I meant… you’re still in the roleplay, but within the roleplay you’re not drunk. So you can fly the lizard-pirates to the crow’s nest.” She sighed. “Does that make sense?”
 
“…Can I get drunk?”
 
“There is some rum in the hold where you two were imprisoned,” Natural Twenty helpfully pointed out.
 
“Can I, Octavia? Rum is sooooo tasty!”
 
“Weren’t you just saying how dangerous it is to fly whilst-”
 
“I’ll let you be on top tonight if you let me get drunk,” Vinyl interrupted, grinning sheepishly.
 
“Deal,” said Octavia instantly. “Get as drunk as you like, Vinyl – just make sure that you fly the lizard-pirates to the crow’s nest.”
 
“Huzzah! I’m drunk!” Vinyl declared. She blinked. “…I need more alcohol, I can feel myself sobering up.”
 
“Do you mean in the roleplay, or real life?” asked Octavia, frowning.
 
“Both,” Vinyl said, shrugging. Octavia waved a hoof dismissively.
 
“Whatever,” she said. “The pirates are now up in the crow’s nest, so when the spell wears off they’ll all be stuck up there, and we can deal with them safely. They also don’t have weapons, so we should be fairly safe from them.”
 
“Good job, team,” complimented Natural Twenty. “Got to say, I didn’t expect you two to end up stopping them without a fight.”
 
“Well, it was really thanks to Vinyl,” said Octavia. “Without a time-freezing bracelet, I was completely lost. Anyway, can we search the ship for loot?”
 
“Sure,” said Natural Twenty. “Both of you roll perception checks; they’ll determine how much you explore the ship and what you find.”
 
“Sixteen with my perception skill added,” said Octavia. “How did you roll, Vinyl?”
 
“Nineteen,” said Vinyl, “with my modifier. Do I find something cool?”
 
“Yes you do,” said Natural Twenty. “Whilst looking around in the captain’s cabin, you open his draw and find –”
 
“Is it a subwoofer?” interrupted Vinyl.
 
“No,” answered Natural Twenty, “it is not. What you find is a compass, a treasure chest-”
 
“What’s in the chest?!” asked Octavia, sitting up straight. “Gold? Weapons?”
 
“The chest is filled to the brim with gold coins – all up, you estimate it to be worth about five hundred bits’ worth,” said Natural Twenty. “Consider it your reward for defeating the pirates without actually getting into a fight.”
 
“Cool,” said Vinyl, grinning. “Let’s chuck it overboard.”
 
“What?! Think of all the loot we can buy with that!” Octavia exclaimed.
 
“Hey, we need to get this bird into the air soon,” said Vinyl. “We’re gonna need to get rid of whatever weight we can.”
 
“…What bird? We’re on a ship, Vinyl,” said Octavia, deadpan.
 
“I know! An airship!” said Vinyl, beaming.
 
“But Vinyl, we-”
 
“Sssssshhhh!” Vinyl slowly said, leaning across from her armchair and putting a hoof over Octavia’s mouth. “You need to save your breath for blowing up the balloons,” she said quietly.
 
“I suppose, but-”
 
“Ssssshhhh! Balloon time now.” Vinyl leaned in and gave Octavia a quick kiss, grinned, then slid back to her armchair. “So, Natural Twenty, we have a compass, yeah?”
 
“Assuming that you didn’t throw it overboard as well, yes,” he answered.
 
Vinyl went over it in her head for a few moments. “…Nah, I guess we can keep it. Anyway, is there a map around in the captain’s cabin?”
 
“I was about to say that you found it with the compass and treasure before you interrupted me earlier,” said Natural Twenty. “It’s a map of one coast of Equestria and the islands within about one hundred kilometres of it.”
 
“Sweet!” said Vinyl. “I’ll plot us a course back to Canterlot, then help Octavia blow up balloons to get the ship into the air.”
 
“Do you two plan to do anything before getting the ship airborne?” asked Natural Twenty. Both ponies shook their heads. “Well then, let’s see how well your idea works.” Shaking one of his d20s in his hoof, Natural Twenty threw it to the table and watched as it rolled along.
 
“As you two attach more and more balloons to the ship, you can both feel it pressing into your hooves more gradually as time passes,” he narrated. “By the time you’ve started blowing up balloons in the final crate, you can look over the sides of the ship and see that it’s already out of the water.”
 
“None of this makes sense,” Octavia pointed out.
 
“They are magical balloons,” Natural Twenty quickly said. “As the final few balloons are tied to the ship, the entire ship floats into the air! Somehow, the two of you are able to steer it using the ship’s wheel. Vinyl finds an engine in the cargo hold which allows her to magically control the speed of the ship. Within minutes, the two of you are off to Canterlot, ready to slay Celestia for reasons I’m not quite sure of.”
 
There was a moment of silence. “And then?” asked Octavia, feeling quite excited by now.
 
“And then the session ends, because I hadn’t planned for any of this and I need to get onto that,” said Natural Twenty, smiling. “Sorry guys.”
 
“What for? We didn’t have to get in any more of those bullshit fights; I had a good time,” said Vinyl. “Am I right, Octavia?” She held out a hoof for Octavia to brohoof, which Octavia lightly tapped in return. “Yeah!”

“So, shall we meet again in a few days for the next session?” asked Octavia as Natural Twenty started to pack up his belongings and levitate his figurines into his saddlebag.
 
“Yes, that should work with me,” he said. “Monday I’m free; would that suit you two?”
 
“Sure,” said Octavia. “About one o’clock?”
 
“Sounds like a plan to me,” Natural Twenty said as he put the last of his belongings into his saddlebag. He nodded politely to both mares, waved a hoof, and then headed out the door. There were a few minutes of idle silence in which Octavia examined the figurine of her character whilst Vinyl tried for the umpteenth time to balance her d20 on her nose.
 
“So did you have any plans for after roleplaying?” asked Vinyl after the d20 fell off.
 
“Weeellll…” said Octavia, leaning partly off the couch towards Vinyl, “I was thinking that since we’ve got the house to ourselves again, we could maybe go to your room and cuddle for a bit.” She batted her eyelids a few times. “What do you think, Vinyl?”
 
Vinyl grinned. “I’m just gonna go grab a quick drink or two, then sure!” She leaned over and kissed Octavia on the nose. “Back in a sec.”
 
Octavia leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes as Vinyl got up to get her drinks. It had been a fairly good session today, all things considered. If it were up to Octavia, there would have been a decent combat session, but seeing how the last fight went it was probably better that there wasn’t one in this session. Still, if Celestia really was going to be fought in the next session then Octavia supposed she was getting her wish.
 
Octavia opened her eyes and frowned. How long did Vinyl say she was going to be? she questioned. Listening carefully, she couldn’t hear the sounds of the unicorn from anywhere in the house. “Vinyl?” Octavia called out. Getting no response, she got up from the couch and looked around the house.
 
It wasn’t long before Octavia found Vinyl – the unicorn was in her room, lying face-down on the bed. “Vinyl?” Octavia asked, feeling slightly nervous.
 
“Heeeeyyyy babe……” Vinyl mumbled, rolling over slightly so that she could speak properly. “’Sup?”
 
“When you said you wanted drinks… did you mean alcohol, or water?” asked Octavia, sitting on the bed and slowly stroking a hoof through Vinyl’s mane.
 
“I just wanted a little bit of booze, to keep the buzz going, y’know?” asked Vinyl. Her voice was very low and quiet. “Guess I overdid it a bit, huh?” She chuckled slightly.
 
“Oh Vinyl, you silly, silly mare,” said Octavia, lying down next to the unicorn. She gave Vinyl a small kiss, but the white mare had already closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. Sighing, Octavia wrapped her hooves around her lover and joined her in slumber.
> Chapter Twelve: Et Tu, Luna?
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Rolling a stunts check to swing down from the airship, kick through one of the windows in Canterlot castle, and land stylishly in the courtyard!” Octavia exclaimed, rolling a d20.
 
“I’ll do the same, but I’ll fly through instead of swinging down,” said Vinyl, also rolling a die.
 
Natural Twenty frowned. “Um…am I missing something? I literally just walked in through the door and sat down, and you two just started rolling dice like it’s going out of fashion.” He put a hoof to his chin in thought. “Although come to think of it, our roleplaying group was never that popular in university…”
 
Vinyl and Octavia both grinned. “Sorry, Natural Twenty,” Octavia said, “it’s just that we’re both very excited to get started with this session.”
 
“We’ve been discussing…plans…over the past few days,” Vinyl explained. Her grin grew slightly larger as she spoke. “We’re both expecting to have a very fun session today.”
 
Sweet mother of Celestia, what do they have in mind? Natural Twenty wondered. I suppose I’ll just have to see what they end up doing. “So, what is it exactly that you two were rolling for again?” he asked.
 
“Bursting into Canterlot castle through two separate windows, giving us the element of surprise against Celestia,” Octavia said.
 
“And when we land, the glass shards are gonna land all around us in a really cool way,” added Vinyl. “Cool mares don’t look at glass explosions!”
 
“…So I take it that you two managed to take the airship to Canterlot successfully in-between sessions somehow?” Natural Twenty asked.
 
“Is there any reason we wouldn’t?” Octavia asked fairly.
 
Natural Twenty grimaced as he looked at some notes of his. Destroy the airship on its way to Canterlot with a super-tornado. Failing that, make the balloons deflate, requiring them to find more. If they want to get to Canterlot, I may as well throw in a little adventure along the way. “No, no reason,” he said, sighing as he crossed a line through the first paragraph of his notes.
 
“Cool!” said Vinyl. “So, what do we see now that we’re in the courtyard?”
 
“You see three guards,” said Natural Twenty, placing several figurines on the rarely-used game mat, “who after a moment of surprise walk over to you.”
 
“Are they ninja guards?” asked Vinyl.
 
“No, just regular royal guards,” said Natural Twenty, frowning. “Why would they be ninja guards?”
 
“Well, I dunno…” said Vinyl, thinking for a moment. “I mean, between the jungle and then the pirates, it sorta feels like this story should have ninjas appear at some point.”
 
“What story?”
 
“The story of the campaign, of course,” said Octavia. “Also, I feel I should point out that ninja guards would be appropriate as a sort of elite guard for protecting Celestia.”
 
“Ninjas are pretty rad,” Vinyl agreed, nodding.
 
Natural Twenty rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Regardless, the guards approach you with harsh looks on their faces. ‘Excuse me, but what do you two think you’re doing?’ one of them asks.”
 
Remember, Vinyl, like we discussed – we’ll trick them into taking us to Celestia, Octavia thought, watching the other mare. Just remember the plan…
 
“We’re here to kill Celestia!” said Vinyl Scratch cheerfully. “And there’s not a thing you can do to stop us!”
 
Octavia facehoofed. “Vinyl, we were supposed to use my Sweet and Elite utility talent to convince them that I was friends with Celestia!”
 
“Oh shit, that was the plan, wasn’t it?” Vinyl said. “I, uh, say ‘That was a joke!’ before they can do anything. ‘We’re really here to see Celestia on super important business!’”
 
Natural Twenty raised an eyebrow. “The guards had started drawing their swords, but as you speak they pause for a moment. ‘What sort of business?’ the leader of them asks, slowing continuing to draw his sword for the sake of caution.”
 
“Uh…Octavia?” asked Vinyl, looking to her friend for help.
 
“I step in front of Vinyl and say, ‘Please excuse my friend, sirs. She recently, um, had brain surgery, so she’s still trying to discern reality from fiction.’”
 
“You seem more trustworthy, so they’re lowering their guards, but they’re still suspicious,” said Natural Twenty. “The leader asks you what exactly your business is.”
 
“I’ve been hired to play the Princess a private concert on the cello,” said Octavia smoothly. “From what I understand, it was a personal request.”
 
“You said you had the Sweet and Elite utility talent, didn’t you, Octavia?” Natural Twenty asked, frowning slightly.
 
“Yes, I’ve had it since day one.”
 
“Bugger, if it wasn’t for that they totally would have called you on your bullshit,” Natural Twenty said. “You’ll still need to roll a persuasion check though.”
 
“Sure,” said Octavia, rolling a d20. “Twenty-six with my persuasion skill.”
 
Natural Twenty rolled a die of his own. “They reluctantly believe the lie, but they’ve still got some questions to ask you. ‘If that’s the case, why did you and your friend come in through the window? There’s a perfectly functioning door right there! You would have been let in without any fuss if you’d come in that way and stated your business.’”
 
“Well you see, there’s a perfectly normal reason for why we came in through the windows…” said Octavia, racking her brains for an excuse. “We, um…”
 
“We accidentally fell out of our airship whilst trying to park it,” Vinyl said, finishing Octavia’s sentence for her. “We still haven’t gotten the hang of controlling it.”
 
“Which is why Vinyl here said that we were assassins!” Octavia exclaimed. “It was her way of making a funny joke in light of the situation.”
 
“…Roll another persuasion check,” said Natural Twenty. Octavia complied.
 
“Twenty-three with my skill added.”
 
“The guards believe you and give you directions to Celestia,” said Natural Twenty after rolling a die of his own. “Good rolling, Octavia, and some nice lies there between the two of you.”
 
Octavia shrugged, a smile upon her face. “Well, persuasion is my cutie mark skill in Pony Tales, you know,” she said.
 
“And yet my persuasion skill is higher,” Vinyl pointed out, grinning.
 
Octavia scowled. “Whatever. Let’s go kill Celestia then loot the castle.”
 
“So I assume that the two of you will head directly to Celestia, as per the guards’ directions?” asked Natural Twenty.
 
“Yeah. Like Octavia said, we can loot the castle and stuff later,” Vinyl confirmed.
 
“The two of you head up the stairs and climb one of the towers of Canterlot castle. As you both know, the Princess has always slept at the top of the towers due to tradition dictating that the pony with the highest position in Equestria living in the highest location of the capital,” Natural Twenty said.
 
“Wait, why is Celestia in her room?” Octavia asked, frowning. “Shouldn’t she be, I dunno, filling out forms or something?”
 
“It’s very early morning – around seven o’clock – so she’s still asleep,” Natural Twenty explained.
 
“Then why did the guards believe that I was going to give her a private concert?” Octavia asked.
 
Natural Twenty shrugged. “In-universe, they assume that you need several hours to set up. The real reason? You rolled well enough.”
 
“Cool,” said Vinyl, grinning.
 
“The two of you continue climbing the tower, your legs feeling heavier and heavier with each step along the way,” continued Natural Twenty. “When you finally reach the top after what feels like an eternity, you find yourselves outside Celestia’s room. However, you’re not alone. Standing outside it is-”
 
“Ninja guards!” interrupted Vinyl excitedly. Natural Twenty smirked.
 
“Oh, you wish that there were ninja guards,” he said. “No, awaiting you two is somepony far more deadly: Princess Luna.”
 
“Oh shit,” said Vinyl.
 
“What is she doing here?” Octavia asked, frowning slightly.
 
“You ask her, and she replies, ‘As I finished up my night shift, I heard from the guards downstairs that you two are planning to prepare a concert for my sister. How is this so? I haven’t heard anything about this.’”
 
“Nice modern slang you’re using there for a princess who was stuck in the moon for one thousand years,” Vinyl pointed out.
 
“Hey, I’ve never met her; I have no idea what Princess Luna sounds like,” said Natural Twenty, shrugging. “Call it artistic license. Anyway, what do you two reply?”
 
To Natural Twenty’s fear, rather than giving a response, Vinyl and Octavia leaned in closer to one another and started whispering to each other. He caught little snippets of their conversation as they continued. “…thought we were going to try that on Celestia…” “…still need a good roll…” “…what if she sees through it?” “…I told you, we could have done it if I hadn’t gotten so drunk!”
 
“Well?” Natural Twenty asked, impatient. Vinyl and Octavia slowly leaned away from each other.
 
“So we will do it?” Vinyl asked Octavia, a hint of fear in her voice. Octavia nodded.
 
“Natural Twenty, if I point out a nearby window and say, ‘Look, Princess Luna, it’s something you’re interested in!’, how long would that distract Luna for?” Octavia asked.
 
“Let’s see…” Natural Twenty rolled a die. “About seven seconds.”
 
“Excellent. I shall do that-”
 
“-and while Luna is distracted, I’m gonna use my Illusionary Mask ability to impersonate…uh… who’s somepony other than Celestia who Luna would trust?” Vinyl asked.
 
“The ruler of the Crystal Empire, maybe?” Octavia suggested. “Princess Cadance, I believe her name is.”
 
“…Right,” said Natural Twenty, not liking where this was going. “Luna turns back from the window and spies Vinyl disguised as Cadance. ‘Cadance!’ she cries. ‘What are you doing here? Where did you come from?’”
 
“I’ve got important news for you, Luna,” Vinyl said. “These two sexy musicians who you should totally bang-”
 
“Vinyl!” Octavia exclaimed.
 
“Oh, like you’ve never thought about doing one of the princesses,” Vinyl said. “Anyway, these two musicians are actually super awesome assassins, sent by me to eliminate our sister Celestia.”
 
“I think that I heard somewhere that Cadance is actually Celestia’s niece,” Octavia pointed out.
 
“Whatever. You both know what I mean,” Vinyl said, shrugging.
 
“Luna asks, ‘But why, Cadance? Why would you do this?’ She narrows her eyes and says, ‘I must admit that I’m a bit suspicious of you, Cadance,’” Natural Twenty narrated.
 
“I know how it looks, Luna,” Vinyl replied, “but I’ve got a super good reason. You see, I recently uncovered a plan of Celestia’s to, uh… send all of the zebras into slavery.”
 
“Luna looks unimpressed,” commented Natural Twenty.
 
“She, uh, also plans to kill you and me…” Vinyl said, straining to think of reasons that Luna would be compelled to assist her and Octavia in assassinating Celestia.
 
“-and to never raise the moon again; to ensure that there is never night again,” Octavia finished, thinking quickly.
 
“Luna looks a bit more surprised at this,” Natural Twenty said. “She gasps and says, ‘What? After all that we’ve been through? Are you sure, Cadance?’”
 
“Definitely,” said Vinyl. “And,” she added, a new thought occurring to her, “if anypony finds out about her plans and tries to question her about them or convince her otherwise, she’s going to kill them immediately without thinking twice. Regardless of whether they’re related to her or not.”
 
“…All right, you’re going to have to roll a persuasion check at this point,” said Natural Twenty. “You can’t seriously believe that Luna will believe all of that right off the bat.”
 
“Oh, we’re not expecting that,” said Vinyl, grinning. “Tell me, is Luna making any sort of check to see whether I’m Cadance, or whether I’m being truthful? Anything like that?”
 
“I’m about to roll a perception check, yes,” confirmed Natural Twenty.
 
“Sweet. Octavia?”
 
“I’ll use Dirty Look on Luna, to give her a negative-nine penalty to that check, and then I’ll use my Element of Harmony, Generosity, to give Vinyl a plus-fifteen bonus to her next check,” said Octavia. “Since I am an Earth pony helping her, this triggers my racial talent Friend in Deed, giving her an additional plus-four bonus. So overall, I’m giving her a plus-nineteen bonus to her persuasion check.”
 
“For what it’s worth, between Dirty Look and Luna’s perception roll, you’re going to need a fifty-eight or higher to convince her of all of this, since naturally she’s going to be very suspicious of everything you’re telling her.” Natural Twenty said. “Is that possible for you, even with that plus-nineteen bonus?”
 
“Just watch,” Vinyl said, grinning. “The mask gives me a plus-four bonus to any persuasion checks, and if I use He Did It! to give myself another plus-five, that’s twenty-eight so far. I’ve got a persuasion skill of twelve, so with that added I’ve got a base of forty.”
 
Natural Twenty cringed. “So if you roll an eighteen or higher, you’ll pass the check?” he asked.
 
“Damn straight,” said Vinyl, grinning. “Let’s spin this!” She levitated a die over the table and then casually cancelled the magical field holding it aloft. It clattered and spun as it hit the table, rolling towards Octavia. It stopped right at the edge of the coffee table. Octavia leaned to look at it and smirked.
 
“Nice rolling, Vinyl,” she complimented. “You got a natural twenty.”
 
Natural Twenty sighed. “You’re really good at rolling high just when you need it, I’ll give you that,” he said.
 
“Of course I don’t rig the important rolls!” Vinyl exclaimed angrily. Natural Twenty looked at her funnily.
 
“I never said you did,” he said.
 
“Good, because I don’t,” Vinyl said, suddenly cheerful again. “Now, does this mean that we’ve convinced Luna to help us kill Celestia?”
 
“Yes, yes you have,” Natural Twenty said, sighing. “What will you do now?”
 
“I guess we’ll head into Celestia’s bedroom and kill her in her sleep with the help of our new ally,” said Vinyl.
 
“You open the doors and enter a large room – it’s probably about two or three times the size of this one,” said Natural Twenty. “To your surprise, Celestia is already up, standing on the balcony and slowly raising the sun.”
 
“Come to think of it, what will happen to the sun once Celestia’s dead?” Octavia asked. “We might end up dooming Equestria thanks to this plan of ours.”
 
Might as well give them some hope, seeing as how ridiculously powerful Celestia is, Natural Twenty thought. “You know what? If – I mean, when – you two kill Celestia, I’ll let you both become the new princesses of the sun and the moon. Anyway, as you three enter, she says, ‘Good morning, Luna. And Cadance, too! To what do I owe the pleasure?’”
 
“She doesn’t say anything to me?” Octavia asked, feeling a little let down.
 
“She gives you a friendly nod and smile,” said Natural Twenty.
 
“I say to her, ‘We’re here to stop your treacherous plan, foul villain!’” said Vinyl, pointing a hoof at Natural Twenty as though he were really Celestia. “‘We know all about your plans for those poor, innocent, zebras, as well as for Luna and me. Do you surrender?’”
 
“Luna nods in agreement,” Natural Twenty said. “‘Sister, although I don’t want to believe it, Cadance convinced me of your plans. Will you come quietly?’ she asks.”
 
“We are so gonna become the new rulers of Equestria,” said Vinyl to Octavia, grinning.
 
“Celestia shakes her head and denies the accusations, but Luna will have none of it,” Natural Twenty continued. “She snarls and fires off a laser from her horn at Celestia,” he said.
 
“I’ll join in!” said Vinyl, picking up a d20. “I rolled an initiative of fifteen,” she said. Natural Twenty grinned.
 
“Vinyl Scratch, do me a favour and read me out the description for Illusionary Mask, will you?” he asked.
 
“Uh, sure,” said Vinyl, unsure why she was being asked. “Blah, blah, blah, favourable manner…bonus to persuasion…perception check to identify you…oh shit.”
 
“What does it say?” Natural Twenty asked.
 
Vinyl grimaced. “It says that it wears off when you engage in combat,” she said.
 
“That’s right,” said Natural Twenty, his grin growing larger. “Celestia sees you as you truly are, and focuses her first attack on you. Using Solar Beam, she hits you for…” He rolled several dice. “A total of seventy-two damage! Wow, that was some good rolling.”
 
“Wait a minute…” Octavia said, frowning. “Characters start off with thirty health. Surely you don’t mean…”
 
“Yep, that’s right,” said Natural Twenty. “Vinyl Scratch, your character is dead.”
> Chapter Thirteen: To Battle a God
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vinyl Scratch’s jaw dropped. She blinked once or twice, stunned. “I…I’m dead…” she said quietly. “My character is… she’s gone.”
 
“Vinyl?” asked Octavia hesitantly. “Are you alright?”
 
By way of response, Vinyl’s eyes rolled back in their sockets and she fell to the ground, unconscious.
 
“Well… I’ve never seen a player react that badly to their character dying before,” commented Natural Twenty as Octavia leapt out of the couch to examine Vinyl.
 
“Shut up, Natural Twenty,” said Octavia, placing a hoof to Vinyl’s forehead. “This looks serious. Vinyl? Are you okay?” There was no reaction from the unicorn. “Vinyl?!” There was still no reaction.
 
What…what is going on here? Octavia thought, a wave of despair washing over her. Why can’t I help you, Vinyl?
 
“…I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with liiiiight!” she cried, her voice cracking as she spoke the last few words. To her surprise, this got a reaction out of the unicorn as she cracked an eye open.
 
“Dark soul, Octavia? Really?” Vinyl asked.
 
“You are currently trying to kill the benevolent ruler of Equestria, who, to the best of my knowledge, has never tried to hurt you or anypony else,” Octavia pointed out.
 
“And you’re helping me,” Vinyl countered.
 
“Touché. Regardless, your character is still dead,” Octavia said, “so that puts something of a stop to our plans.”
 
“Oh, I dunno about that,” Vinyl said, grinning. “Just because I’m dead, doesn’t mean I’m out of the game yet.” As she spoke, she picked herself up from the floor and climbed back onto the armchair.
 
“I beg to differ, Vinyl,” said Natural Twenty, who had been watching the whole situation with a bemused expression on his face. “Once you are dead, your character is dead for good, unless they- oh. Oh, shit.” His expression suddenly changed to one of concern.
 
“Yeah, you forgot about that, didn’t you?” Vinyl said.
 
“I knew I shouldn’t have given it to you two,” Natural Twenty said, facehoofing.
 
“What are you two on about?” Octavia asked. “Is this something to do with how I can supposedly bring Vinyl back from the dead?”
 
“Hey Octavia, you remember that super-badass sword you got from the village?” Vinyl asked. “The one that you didn’t know what it did, but I did?”
 
“Vinyl…” Octavia said slowly, piecing it together, “are you implying that the sword can bring ponies back from the dead?”
 
“It’s more like advanced healing,” said Natural Twenty, “although seeing as how Vinyl has only just died, I will allow you to bring her back with it.” To himself, he added, “Against my better judgement.”
 
“What sort of good would a healing sword be in a fight?” Octavia asked, frowning. “That seems somewhat malicious of you to give to us.”
 
“The idea was that you could use it should you end up fighting zombie ponies further down the campaign,” said Natural Twenty. “It would have killed them instantly.”
 
“I’ll keep that in mind,” said Octavia. “Regardless, do I have to make a roll of any kind to bring Vinyl back to life with the sword?”
 
“Roll two d20s, and that’s how much she’ll heal,” Natural Twenty said.s Octavia rolled the dice.
 
“Twenty-four,” she said, adding up the dice. “So technically you’re still knocked out, Vinyl, by the rules of Pony Tales, but at least you’re alive.”
 
“It’s all cool; you can just keep whacking me with the sword until I’m up again,” said Vinyl, still smiling.
 
“Looks like Celestia will have to take care of both of you at the same time then!” said Natural Twenty. “Rather than Solar Beam, this turn she’s going to use –”
 
“Hang on a minute, aren’t you forgetting someone?” asked Octavia, frowning.
 
“Not that I can think of,” said Natural Twenty. “Celestia went first, Vinyl missed her turn because she was dead, and then you used up your turn healing Vinyl, Octavia. So now it’s back to Celestia.”
 
“What about Princess Luna?” asked Octavia. “She was fighting Celestia – hay, you even said that she fired off a laser at the start – and she hasn’t had a turn yet.”
 
Oh shit. I completely forgot about her, thought Natural Twenty. He looked down at the character sheet he’d prepared for Luna, right below Celestia’s. Crap. Realistically, she should be able to give Celestia a run for her money in a fight…
 
“Well?” asked Octavia.
 
“…I suppose that it is Luna’s turn,” Natural Twenty said, swallowing. What attack should I have her use? If I have her use a low-power attack, those two will call me out on it, but her attacks are powerful enough to take Celestia out with only a few… I suppose that I’ll just have her and Luna fight it out and hope that Celestia wins. “Luna will use Eclipse on Celestia, dealing…” Natural Twenty rolled some dice. “…huh, natural twelve.”
 
“What about him?” Octavia asked.
 
“Hmm? Oh, he’s doing fine at the moment; he’s just looking for work post-university,” said Natural Twenty. Seeing Vinyl’s confused look, he explained. “Natural Twelve is another of my brothers.”
 
“I, um, had a bit of a thing for him back in university,” Octavia admitted, blushing slightly.
 
“Anyway, I meant that I had rolled a natural twelve,” clarified Natural Twenty. “Which triggers this ability, and – uh oh,” he said, rolling another die.
 
“Something the matter?” Vinyl asked mischievously.
 
Natural Twenty scowled. “Luna just took off more than half of Celestia’s health,” he said. “I really shouldn’t have made them both so powerful; against each other the fight won’t be long at all.”
 
“You say as though it is a bad thing,” commented Octavia. “Anyway, with Luna’s turn over, what’s Celestia doing?”
 
“Celestia’s going to use Solar Energy to regain some health and PiPs,” said Natural Twenty. “She’s sort of looking low on health at the moment, after all.”
 
“Cool,” said Vinyl. “Now, I miss my turn since I’m still knocked out, which brings us around to Octavia.”
 
Looking at her character sheet, an idea occurred to Octavia. Provided I build some extra PiPs this turn, this should hopefully work…Unless Natural Twenty ignores me in favour of attacking Vinyl again... She frowned, thinking it through. Depending upon how much health Celestia has – and I’m assuming that she’s already quite low judging by what Natural Twenty’s said- this should work as long as she attacks me. It all depends upon how much damage Luna does…
 
“Octavia?” asked Natural Twenty. “You realise it’s your turn, right?”
 
“Yes,” Octavia said distantly, still thinking intently. “Sorry about that.” It’s now or never – I’d like this fight to be over as soon as possible. Picking up her figurine with a hoof, Octavia moved it so that it was adjacent to Celestia’s. “I shall move next to Celestia and use Tiger Claw,” she said. “I gain one PiP, and deal one d12 worth of damage to Celestia. Sorry Vinyl, but I won’t be able to heal you this turn.”
 
“Holy crap Octavia, do you realise what just happened?!” Vinyl exclaimed as Octavia rolled the die.
 
“That’s five damage to Celestia, Natural…Yes, Vinyl?”
 
“Someone actually acknowledged the game mat!” Vinyl said excitedly. “And all this time I thought that it was just for show!”
 
“We’ve used it before,” Octavia said. “There was that time when…” She fell silent as she tried to recall the last time the game mat had actually had some sort of effect on the game. “Huh. How about that? It was worth buying it!” she commented.
 
“Anyway, with Celestia’s turn over, it’s back to Luna’s,” said Natural Twenty. “Once more she’ll use Eclipse on her dear sister, dealing…” He rolled some dice. “An amount of damage unknown to you two.” Shit. That was another good roll. If Luna rolls like that again, Celestia will be knocked out. Natural Twenty frowned as he looked at the character sheets. Since Celestia healed last turn, Luna hasn’t taken any damage yet...Unless I can pull off some sort of bullshit combination, there’s no way that I can defeat her in one turn with Celestia.
 
But then again...Natural Twenty thought…if I can one-shot Octavia as I did to Vinyl, I can hopefully knock them both out, thus ending combat. Then I can send them to prison or something, and they can escape from there as part of the next session. As Natural Twenty opened his mouth to speak, he caught a glance at Octavia. She was sitting upright and had both hooves to her mouth. She was looking directly at him with a smirk on her face.
 
Come on, she seemed to be saying. Come on and attack me. That is what you’re planning, isn’t it?
 
Natural Twenty bit his lip. Did she have a plan? She did purposely move next to Celestia… but was that a bluff? Was it to intimidate me? Or does she have a plan in mind? I really need to have Celestia just defeat everyone here…
 
Don’t give anything away, Octavia thought, staring at Natural Twenty. Don’t let him see how important it is for him to attack you. Let him think that you’ve made a mistake and that he attacking you is a miscalculation.
 
I…I can’t tell what she’s thinking! Natural Twenty thought. I can’t read her! Turning to Vinyl, he thought to himself, maybe I can gauge the situation from her expression. Maybe she and Octavia anticipated this. Vinyl was lying on her side, facing the ceiling.
 
Go on, she was probably thinking. Go on and get me a drink, Octavia. You know that I’d love that.
 
Natural Twenty shook his head. That was a waste of time. Looking to the board, he glanced over the pieces and the battle situation. He double-checked the current health of both Luna and Celestia, and ran a few quick calculations in his head. …That’s it. I’ve got to attack Octavia, and knock her out in one shot. If I can do that, I can defeat both of them and keep the campaign going.
 
Natural Twenty cleared his throat. “Celestia is going to use Solar Flare on you, Octavia, seeing as how you’re the closest to her.”
 
Octavia’s smirk grew slightly larger. Yes! I have won this, Natural Twenty!
 
“The attack will hit you for…” Natural Twenty picked up some dice and was about to roll them when Octavia interrupted him.
 
“Not so fast, Natural Twenty,” she said. “I’ve got a move to use before you do that,” she said.
 
Shit! She did have something planned! “And what’s that?” Natural Twenty asked coolly. “You’re aware that unless you have an interrupt action, you can’t act right now, yes?”
 
“Of course I know that. And yes, I am using one,” Octavia said. “I’ll use Stunning Heron’s Talon,” she said, reading from her sheet. “It’s an interrupt action that triggers when I’m attacked by something next to me, which Celestia is.”
 
“…And what does it do?” Natural Twenty asked, a hint of fear creeping into his voice.
 
“It stuns whatever is attacking me until the end of its next turn,” said Octavia matter-of-factly. “Which means that Celestia’s current attack is negated, and she will more-or-less miss her next turn.”
 
…That gives Luna two rounds to attack, Natural Twenty realised. I- I don’t think that I can win this fight. “Well, Octavia, it’s technically your turn now, since you used that during Celestia’s turn,” he said. “What are you going to do?”
 
“I’ll hit Vinyl with the healing sword again,” said Octavia. She rolled some dice. “All right! Vinyl’s conscious again!”
 
“Can I give Octavia a thank-you-for-bringing-me-back-from-near-death kiss?” Vinyl asked excitedly.
 
“During your turn,” said Natural Twenty, frowning slightly. “Anyway…it’s now Luna’s turn.” He sighed as he rolled some dice. “She hits Celestia with a fully charged Anarchy Apollo attack and…yep, Celestia’s defeated.” He grimaced. “Well done you two, you managed to defeat an enemy who would realistically defeat both of you in less than a second.”
 
“That’s ‘cos we’re super creative,” said Vinyl, grinning happily. “Are we princesses now?”
 
“Yes, I suppose that I did promise that,” said Natural Twenty, sighing. “Luna is disappointed with what she did, but thinks that it was necessary for Equestria. Nevertheless feeling ashamed, she leaves Equestria, never to return, bestowing the titles of the Princess of the Sun and the Princess of the Moon to both of you.”
 
“Princess sex?” Vinyl asked Octavia.
 
“Princess sex,” agreed Octavia, nodding in approval.
 
“I don’t suppose that I could convince you two to get back to the plot with the tablets and the temple in the jungle any time soon, could I?” asked Natural Twenty. Vinyl shrugged.
 
“We’re princesses now. We can just send out guards to get the tablets and stuff for us,” she pointed out.
 
“And besides, I am sure that Canterlot castle has a ton of much better loot,” said Octavia. “Why would we bother with something as small and fiddly as the temple when we’ve got an entire castle full of loot?”
 
“You guys aren’t saying what I think you’re saying, are you?” asked Natural Twenty.
 
“Yeah…about that…” Vinyl said, avoiding eye contact with Natural Twenty.
 
“We don’t exactly have a reason to keep the roleplay going now that we rule Equestria, do we?” Octavia asked. “But look at it this way – we had fun, didn’t we?”
 
“Yes, I suppose that we did,” said Natural Twenty, smiling a little. “And now that we’ve finally caught up for the first time in a while, we can hang out every once in a while.”
 
“You bet we can,” agreed Octavia, smiling.
 
“So, what are you going to do now?” Vinyl asked.
 
Natural Twenty shrugged. “Seeing as how the campaign is over, I suppose that I’ll go home? What about you two?”
 
Octavia shrugged. “I think I’ll probably read a book. Or perhaps practice the cello.”
 
“I was working on a song before this session; I should get back to that soon,” added Vinyl.
 
“Excellent choices,” Natural Twenty said, starting to pack up his stuff. “Look, Octavia…Vinyl… I must say, I’m sorry that I was such a bad DM at the start. Truth be told, I was excited to be catching up with Octavia again, and… well, I suppose I let things get a little out of hoof.”
 
Vinyl and Octavia both waved their hooves dismissively. “It was nothing, really. It was just for that one session, after all,” said Octavia.
 
“And hay, we sorta just killed the campaign today. We’ve should be apologising to you!”
 
Natural Twenty smiled. “Whatever. Regardless, I’m going to head off now, but I’m sure that I’ll be seeing you two sometime in the near future. It was good to do this!”
 
“We completely agree,” said Octavia, shaking Natural Twenty’s hoof before he headed out the door. A few moments of silence passed between the two mares.
 
“So, how did you find your first campaign?” Octavia asked Vinyl as she started to pack up her dice.
 
“Honestly? It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” said Vinyl. “Man, that moment when I turned everypony into lizards… that was priceless!”
 
“Priceless for you, maybe,” Octavia said, playfully hitting Vinyl with a hoof. For the next few minutes, the two ponies discussed the highlights and lowlights of the roleplaying campaign as they kept packing up. It wasn’t long before they were finished.
 
“Ah, it’s nice to have the place clean!” said Octavia.
 
“Tell me about it,” said Vinyl, grinning as per usual. “Now that that’s done, I guess…I’ll just go make that song, like I said I was going to…”
 
“And I’ll probably find a book to start reading…or practice my cello…” said Octavia, avoiding Vinyl’s eyes. Silence fell between the two mares; both awkwardly standing there rather than going off to do the activities they had said that they would.
 
“Say…Octavia…” Vinyl said slowly, “when you said that you were going to practice the cello, was that – y’know – code for wanting to have sex with me?”
 
“FINALLY!” Octavia exclaimed. “Finally, you get the hint!” She leaned into Vinyl and began kissing her passionately. Within moments the two were lying on the floor, still making out.
 
“W-wait,” said Vinyl as Octavia started to move down her body. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right.”
 
“What do you mean?” Octavia asked, frowning. “This is hardly the first time we’ve done it.”
 
“Yeah, yeah, I know, but if we’re going to do it…” Vinyl stopped and grinned smugly. “We’re gonna need that Pony Sutra book of yours. It’s time for me to show you a little roleplay of my own…”
 
The End