Scrambled Eggs and Mashed Potatoes

by HoofBitingActionOverload

First published 3rd of March, 2014

Rainbow Dash announces that she's going on a date, but refuses to say who with. Rarity decides to secretly follow her, but what Rarity uncovers is so bizarre, she will never be able to look at Rainbow Dash, or herself, the same way again.

Rainbow Dash charges into Rarity's boutique and announces that she's going on a date. However, when questioned, Rainbow Dash refuses to reveal who her date is. Rarity suspects something is amiss and decides to secretly follow Dash. But what Rarity uncovers is so bizarre, she will never be able to look at her friend, or herself, the same way ever again.

A Drop in the Bucket

Rarity sighed and flipped to the next page of her magazine. She sat behind the counter of Carousel Boutique, eyes slowly passing over the words and not taking much notice of any of them. The article mentioned something about a newly popular herb called astragalus whose use had recently become fashionable among the Canterlot elite. Supposedly, it had the power to reveal the heart’s inner desires, or some such nonsense. Rarity didn’t especially care. She had already read the magazine from front to back. Twice, in fact. But it gave her something to do with her hooves. She sighed and flipped to the next page.

Even for a boutique located in a small, rural town whose residents rarely wore any clothing at all, much less the elite fashion Rarity’s boutique specialized in, it had been a loathsomely slow day. With the arrival of autumn, hoof traffic had dwindled to nothing. It was still too early to introduce her autumn line, but still too late for anyone to be interested in her summer line.

With no orders to fill, no designs to polish, and almost no customers to serve, Rarity had nothing to do and all too much free time in which to do it. She halfheartedly wished some roving disaster would fall upon the town. At least then she would have something to keep her mind busy.

Rarity glanced up over the top of the magazine at her only two customers. Fluttershy stood by the scarves, delicately inspecting each piece of fabric one by one. She had said something about a walrus with a cold who needed a scarf to keep warm. Rarity didn’t know much about walruses, but she did know they lived in the arctic, and she suspected they did so just fine without any of her scarves. She guessed Fluttershy had only come so the Boutique would have at least one sale today. Of course, whatever Fluttershy wanted, Rarity would give her free of charge. But she did appreciate the gesture.

Rarity sighed. If only she could have closed up and spent a day with Fluttershy or one of her other friends at the spa instead. Unfortunately, all of her friends had become conveniently busy just as Rarity had become inconveniently unbusy. Fluttershy had her supposedly sick walrus, Applejack was busy raising yet another barn, Twilight and Spike had both been called to Canterlot to oversee one of the royal courts, Pinkie Pie was visiting family, and Rainbow Dash was bedridden with the feather flu.

Rarity glanced at her only other customer, Flitter, and groaned. Flitter came in every couple days. She would wander around the Boutique, putting her hooves all over everything and dismissing each and every article of meticulously crafted designer clothing with a thinly veiled sneer. And she never, ever bought anything. She had already been hard at work sneering down at Rarity’s new autumn line for the past hour. Rarity didn’t have any choice but to suffer through her presence. She would only be able to ask Flitter to leave in the event of an emergency. Maybe the roving disaster kind of emergency.

Rarity had one customer she would never force to pay and another she could never force to buy, so she sighed and flipped to the next page of her magazine.

Then Carousel Boutique’s front door burst open and Rainbow Dash swooped inside. She immediately crashed into four different display racks at once. Skirts, dresses, and saddles flew every way in a burst of airborne designer fashion. Fluttershy ducked behind a scarf, while Flitter stood wide-eyed in the corner.

Rainbow Dash jumped out of the mess, shaking off some wayward dresses. “Rarity!” she shouted.

Rarity set down her magazine, doing her best to keep from smiling. If any two words could describe Rainbow Dash better than ‘rainbow’ and ‘dash’, those two words were ‘roving’ and ‘disaster’. “Yes, Rainbow Dash?”

“I need you to make me look good,” Dash declared, but then hesitated. “Actually, I already look good. I always look good. So I need you to make me look great.”

Rarity walked out from behind the counter to survey the mess. She guessed it would take at least an hour to reorganize all the display racks. Oh! Maybe she could even set them up in a whole new arrangement!

Now wholly unable to keep the smile off her face, Rarity turned to Rainbow Dash. “What are you talking about, dear?”

Rainbow Dash landed on top of a pile of skirts and struck a pose. “I’m going on a date! And I need to look nice, and you need to make me look nice.”

Rarity froze. “A… date?”

“Yup,” Dash answered, brushing some lint off her chest.

Rarity closed her eyes and tried to keep her breathing steady. “Remember, Rarity,” she whispered to herself, “a lady always remains composed.” She opened her eyes, paused for the briefest of moments, and then promptly squealed in delight and jumped in place. She ran forward and grabbed Dash into a hug. “A date!”

“Uh, Rarity, are you okay?” Dash asked.

“I am so much more than okay!” Rarity had waited years for this. It had been downright incredible that after three full years, none of her friends had yet gone on a single date.

A pity because Rarity had planned everything out for them ages ago. She had already decided which stallions in town were best for each, what each should wear on their first dates and where they should go, lessons in proper etiquette and courting, even their wedding dresses and honeymoon plans. Rarity had expected Rainbow Dash to be the last of her friends she would ever get the chance to guide through the adventures of romance. What a wonderful surprise!

She let go of Dash, turned around, and dropped her smile into a professional frown. “Carousel Boutique is now closed,” she announced to her only two customers, neither of whom had moved since Dash had arrived. “I apologize for the inconvenience, but an emergency has arisen that demands my full attention.”

“Um,” Flitter said. “How is going on a date an emer—Ahh!”

Rarity plucked Flitter up off the ground with her magic, and then dragged the other pegasus out of hiding from behind the scarf collection. She levitated them both to the door. “I said the Boutique is closed.”

She tossed them both outside and shut the door. She allowed herself a small, satisfied smirk when she saw Flitter fall in the dirt outside.

She turned back to Rainbow Dash and opened her mouth to speak. But she cursed and closed it again when she remembered who the other pegasus had been. She opened the door, pulled Fluttershy back inside, then quickly shut it again.

“I’m sorry, Fluttershy,” Rarity said, dusting her friend off. “I lost myself for a moment.”

Fluttershy smiled, looking a little shaken. “Oh, it’s oka—”

“Now, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, trotting towards her. “First, we need to wash away all that grime.”

Dash looked down at herself. “What grime?”

“Go upstairs and take a shower. Use my designer coat and mane products, whichever ones you need. The stronger the better. You’ll find them all by the sink.” She sniffed Dash’s mane and cringed. “Actually, I will have to oversee this myself. Go start the hot water running, and I’ll meet you up there. Do not touch anything else. Fluttershy!” she called.

“Oh, I’m right here,” Fluttershy said, still standing by the door.

“Fly as fast as you can to Aloe and Lotus’s and tell them you need the strongest mane and coat shampoos they have. Then come back here,” Rarity ordered.

Fluttershy nodded solemnly and flew out the door.

“And tell them it’s an emergency!” Rarity called after her, then she turned to find that Rainbow Dash was still sitting on the pile of skirts. “What are you waiting for?” Rarity cried, pushing Dash towards the stairs. “There’s no time to waste! We will have to clean you head to hoof before we can even begin considering your makeup. Not to mention putting together an outfit for you to wear. This will take hours!”

Dash dragged her hooves. “I don’t think—”

“Well, I do think,” Rarity said severely. “I know you don’t care if you look and smell like you haven’t bathed in weeks—”

“I shower every day.”

“—But I am your friend, and as your friend, I care deeply for both your wellbeing and your future happiness. I simply cannot allow you to ruin your very first date through your ignorance of proper social etiquette. Your appearance on the first date is crucial. A bad first impression can end a budding relationship before it has even had a chance to blossom. So get up there and start the hot water!”

“But this isn’t our first date.”

“Wha—” Rarity tripped over Dash’s leg and fell face first on the ground.

“Um, Rarity?” Fluttershy said quietly from somewhere behind them.

“Fluttershy? You’re already back?” Rarity turned around, rubbing her sore nose. She saw Fluttershy standing by the door. “I never knew you could fly so fast! That was incredible. Thank you so much!”

Fluttershy looked down at the floor. “Oh, well, um, I haven’t actually gone yet. I’ve been trying to get your attention, but I didn’t want to interrupt…”

“Hey, Fluttershy!” Dash called from behind Rarity. “That medicine is seriously awesome! I feel way better. Like, whoah!” Dash jumped in the air, flipped backwards, and fell slowly down onto her back.

“You’re welcome,” Fluttershy said. “I’m glad—”

“Don’t either of you understand how important this is?” Rarity cried. “We have so much left to do! Why haven’t you left?”

“I’m sorry.” Fluttershy bit her lip. “But the problem is, well, I only brought enough bits to buy a scarf, and Aloe and Lotus’s mane products are really expensive...”

“Is that all? Just tell them that it’s for me and they will put it on my account,” Rarity said hurriedly, shooing Fluttershy out the door. “Now, go, go, go!”

Fluttershy nodded and flew off again.

“Now, what did you say about this not being your first date?” Rarity asked, turning to Rainbow Dash.

“I said that it wasn’t our first date,” Dash answered, pushing herself back upright and into the air with a single mighty flap that sent another rack of dresses toppling over.

Rarity frowned at the mess. “Well, which date is this then?”

“I dunno.” Dash hovered over Rarity’s head and landed back on the pile of skirts. “I lost count.”

“Lost c—How long have you been dating him?!”

“Uh, since, like…” Dash squinted and rubbed her chin. “Forever,” she concluded.

“Wha—How—” Rarity took a deep breath to regain her composure. “What does that even mean?”

Dash looked at her like she had just caught Rarity wearing last season’s fashions. “Uh, forever means a really, really long time. Like, as in, I’ve been the best flyer in Equestria since forever.” Dash squinted at her. “You should really read more. I could let you borrow some of my books, if you wanted.”

Rarity glared at her. She opened her mouth to show Rainbow Dash just how colorful her vocabulary could be when she heard a knock at the door. “Just a minute!” she called through gritted teeth.

She trotted to the door and put on a smile before opening it. But her smile immediately fell when she saw who had knocked. Flitter stood on her doorstep.

“What are you still doing here?” Rarity asked, sounding more pleading than angry.

“I have never been treated more rudely in all my life than I was at your store today.” Flitter stamped her hoof in a pitiful little demonstration of outrage. “I am deeply offended.”

“Hey, Flitter!” Rainbow Dash called from behind Rarity. “What’s up?”

Flitter’s scowl immediately turned into a brilliant smile. She looked over Rarity’s shoulder and waved. “Oh, hey, Rainbow Dash! I’m not doing anything important.”

“That’s cool,” Dash replied, while Rarity rolled her eyes. “I’m still gonna see you tonight, right?”

“Definitely!” Flitter said with a little hop.

“Excuse me,” Rarity interjected. “But did you need something? I’m very busy at the moment, and I really don’t have time for distractions.”

“Oh, right.” Flitter turned her attention back onto Rarity and scowled again. “I am deeply offended.”

Rarity sighed. “So?”

“So!” Flitter declared, flaring her wings and shoving a dirty, unmanicured hoof in Rarity’s face. “I demand an apology, or I’ll stop shopping here!”

Rarity gently pushed the hoof away. “It isn’t shopping if you never buy anything, dear.”

Flitter’s jaw dropped and her face colored a deep red. “You just lost a customer. I’ll never come to this store again!”

Rarity put a hoof to her forehead and mock-swooned. “Oh, woe is me. Whatever shall I do?” she said halfheartedly. “Oh, and this is a boutique, not a store.” She shut the door.

“I’ll boycott you!” Flitter’s muffled shout came through the closed door. “Just wait until I tell my friends about this. We’re gonna boycott you so hard!”

Rarity smiled. At least she had gotten something productive done today. She turned back to Rainbow Dash. She saw the pegasus lying belly-up on the pile of skirts.

Dash yawned widely, looking about ready to take a nap. “Are you done yet?” she asked.

Rarity heard another knock at the door. “Just one moment, please,” she said to Rainbow Dash. Then she growled and flung the door open. “Go away!”

Fluttershy fell backwards away from the open doorway with a frightened squeak. “I’m so sorry! I should have realized you were busy. I promise I won’t bother you anymore today.” She began flying quickly away.

Rarity used her magic to grab Fluttershy by the tail “No, Fluttershy. I thought you were somepony else.” She pulled Fluttershy back to the ground and patted her on the shoulder. “That wasn’t meant for you. Truly, I am sorry.”

“Oh, okay,” Fluttershy said quietly, tentatively stepping back towards the door.

“Thank goodness you are back,” Rarity said, with her most courteous smile. “Do you have the shampoo?”

Fluttershy frowned and looked down at the ground.

“Fluttershy! I—” Rarity swallowed her frustration and kept her voice calm. As a lady should, she reminded herself. True ladies remained composed even in times of distress. “Tell me what happened.”

“I, um, I couldn’t remember what you said you wanted…”

If Rarity hadn’t loved Fluttershy—that wonderfully, beautifully, horribly exasperating Fluttershy—loved her as a sister, Rarity would have screamed and throttled her right there on her doorstep. Then she would have set a pot of tea on the stove and taken a hot bath and forgotten all about this. Instead, she said, as sweetly as sugar coated candy wrappers, “Dear, darling, I need you to ask them for the strongest mane and coat shampoos they have in stock. Then come back here as quick as you can. Do you understand?”

Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry. I’ll go right away.” She took off in the direction of the spa.

“Thank you,” Rarity said to empty the air. She walked back inside, rubbing her forehead. She could feel a sinus headache coming on.

Rainbow Dash, still lying on her pile, said, “So, are you—”

“No, please just give me one moment.” Rarity took a long, heavy breath, and then stood up straight. She had wished for a disaster, and she had certainly gotten it. “Firstly,” she said slowly, “how are you up and about right now? You said you couldn’t come to the spa with me because you were sick in bed with the feather flu.”

“I was.” Dash rolled onto her back and waved all four of her hooves in the air, as if swimming upside down in place. Rarity couldn’t begin to guess why. “But Fluttershy gave me this awesome medicine!”

“You’re feeling well, then?”

“Well? I feel better than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’m seriously seeing things I’ve never seen before.” Dash jumped into the air and somersaulted three times in midair. On the third somersault, her head clipped the floor with a sickening thud.

Rarity gasped. “Are you all right?!”

Rainbow Dash easily landed on her hooves and smiled at Rarity. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You just…” Rarity hesitated.

Rainbow Dash kept smiling.

“Well then…” Rarity shrugged. She always knew Dash had a thick head. “Secondly, could you please explain to me how it is possible that you, one of my closest friends, has been dating somepony for what? Weeks? Months? Without me, or anypony else, hearing anything about it at all?”

Rainbow Dash cocked her head, looking confused. “Have I never mentioned this before?”

Rarity almost laughed. Almost. “No. I can assure you that you have never once previously mentioned being in a relationship.”

“Huh.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Guess it slipped my mind.”

Rarity opened her mouth, but immediately closed it again. Sometimes, she swore she had the most disagreeable, uncooperative friends a fashionista could find. She held in the impolite retort she so desperately wished to voice. She felt like a big pony-shaped tea kettle, the stove fire lit beneath her, water boiling and steam just ready to come screaming out.

For a brief, bizarre moment, she wondered what Rarity-flavored tea would taste like.

“You’re right that this date is important, though,” Dash said casually. “Because I’m getting engaged tonight.”

Rarity’s mind turned inside out and everything inside spilled out on the floor. “What?”

Hold Your Ponies

Rarity’s thoughts were in tatters, like little bits of confetti blasted from Pinkie Pie’s party cannon, ripped apart and stirred together through the air. They fell down all around her. With the last of her sanity, she reached out and desperately grabbed ahold of the first scattered thought she could find. “But—but you can’t propose! He is supposed to be the one who proposes to you.”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “Well, he can’t if he’s a she.”

“He’s a mare?”

“No.” Dash laughed. “But she is a mare.”

“Who?”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “The hottest mare in Ponyville, that’s who!”

“You… you like mares?”

Dash rolled her eyes. “Do you think you could try acting, I don’t know, happy for me? Just a little? This is kind of a big deal.”

Rarity’s mind very slowly gathered up all her fallen thoughts off the floor, stitching together all Rainbow Dash had said, one by one, into a coherent whole. “And… you are getting engaged? Today? To a mare you have been dating for… forever?”

“Thanks for the summary.” Dash squinted at her. “Are you diabetic? I’ve heard that diabetic ponies start acting funny when their insides screw up. You want me to grab you a candy bar?”

“You’re getting… married,” Rarity murmured, still in a daze

“Yeah, I’m gonna get you some chocolate or something.” Dash trotted to the kitchen.

“You’re getting married!” Rarity cried as all of her senses returned at once. She ran forward and threw her forelegs around Rainbow Dash. But Dash stood halfway through the kitchen doorway, so Rarity only got a hold of her backside. She squeezed Dash, anyway, in an awkward rear end hug.

Dash looked back and grinned. “Uh, yeah.”

Rarity let go, giggled like school filly, then grabbed Dash’s frontside instead. “I am so happy for you! I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this excited,” she said, hugging Dash tight.

“Now that’s the sort of reaction I was looking for.” Dash patted her on the back and pulled away. She walked into the kitchen.

Rarity followed close at her heels. This was an announcement on par with… with… with nothing! Nothing more exciting could have possibly ever happened in the history of ponykind. Rainbow Dash was getting married! Rarity shook and jumped and tittered so much she felt like she was dancing. “You must tell me everything. Every little detail!”

“Sure,” Dash replied, opening and closing drawers and cupboards. “I’m taking her out to eat tonight, and I’m gonna ask her while we’re eating. Oh, here you go—whoah.” Dash’s eyes widened as she looked into a cupboard. “Why do you have so much fudge?” She pointed inside the cupboard at a stack of fudge that had been hidden behind a saucepan.

“Oh, never mind that.” Rarity’s face and ears warmed, and she quickly kicked the cupboard shut. “Where are you taking her out to eat?”

Dash frowned and started opening the cupboard again. “Won’t you die or something if you don’t eat any chocolate?”

“I’m not diabetic,” Rarity replied shortly. She moved between Dash and the fudge cupboard and smiled. “Now, dear, where are you taking her out to eat? Savoir Fare’s?”

“Nope.” Dash backed off. “To my house.”

This time, Rarity frowned. “That isn’t especially romantic. And I don’t believe taking her to your house really qualifies as ‘taking her out to eat.’”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I was gonna make dinner for her, and then hide the ring in the food, or something. I thought that’s what you were supposed to do?”

“Oh, yes, of course. That’s perfect!” Rarity’s face brightened as she imagined Rainbow Dash donning an apron and serving a home cooked meal to her special somepony upon a formally laid table for two, then offering that special somepony a ring in the veiled glow of candlelight. “I never knew you had such a flair for chivalry, Rainbow. What a wonderfully romantic gesture!”

“Yeah, I’m pretty great at most things,” Dash said. She trotted past Rarity and out of the kitchen.

Rarity followed her. “Where are you going? You still haven’t told me what meal you’ve planned for her. An appetizer of gratin dauphinois and a main course of pan-glazed tempeh, perhaps?”

“Nah.” Rainbow Dash casually plopped back down on the pile of skirts in the front room. Rarity would have questioned her friend’s new affinity for jumbled heaps of loose-fitting, draped garments, if only the next words out of Rainbow Dash’s mouth hadn’t been, “Scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes.”

“Scrambled eggs?!” Rarity cried.

“And mashed potatoes,” Dash corrected. “I think I’ll hide the ring in the mashed potatoes.”

Rarity stared at her. In the excitement of the engagement announcement, Rarity had forgotten just who was getting engaged. Rainbow Dash might have been the most etiquettely backwards pony Rarity had ever met. Rarity only then realized how much work she would have to do to keep Rainbow Dash’s engagement from becoming a romantic disaster of tabloid-worthy proportions.

“So when she bites into the mashed potatoes,” Rainbow Dash continued, grinning obliviously, “she’ll be like, ‘Whoa, there’s a rock in my mashed potatoes!’ and I’ll yank the ring out of her mouth and be like, ‘Nope!’”

Well, at last Rainbow Dash expressed a more than ample level of enthusiasm, Rarity mused.

Rainbow Dash paused, looking thoughtful. “Hey, maybe I should put actual rocks in the mashed potatoes. You know, to throw her off the trail.”

“Do not put rocks in your fiance’s engagement dinner,” Rarity said quickly. “And you cannot serve her scrambled eggs, either. To think, a mare serving her fiance-to-be scrambled eggs on the night of their engagement.” Rarity laughed at the absurdity of it. She felt truly sorry for any mare who had before been on the receiving end of Rainbow Dash’s affections. “No, eggs are much too crude and humble a food to be served on such an occasion as this.”

“They aren’t when you scramble ‘em!” Rainbow Dash replied. “Besides, I’m making mashed potatoes, too.”

“Do you know where eggs come from?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “The store?”

Rarity sighed. “No. And scrambled or not, I say again, you cannot prepare eggs for your engagement dinner. It’s just… paltry.”

“Yeah, I can. I know how to make scrambled eggs, Rarity. Jeez.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “But what about putting the ring in the mashed potatoes? Do you think I should mix it in a big bowl full of them, or—”

“No! I am putting my hoof down on this!” Rarity stamped her hoof on the floor. “Rainbow Dash, you will not propose to your fiance-to-be while serving her scrambled eggs. It would be a—a heinous crime against romance itself!”

Rainbow Dash leaned back on the skirts and folded her forelegs across her chest. “Yeah, I can and I am.”

“No, you are not!” Rarity cried. “It is absolutely, unbelievably, unthinkably absurd that you would think this was acceptable. Why, if any fiance of mine pulled such a stunt, I would not only refuse her outright, but I very well might end our relationship on the spot!”

“Wait,” Rainbow Dash said, suddenly sounding very small and quiet. “You think the ring in the mashed potatoes thing is a bad idea?”

Rarity fought to hold in a scream. “I think it is all an atrociously, senselessly, horrid idea!”

Rainbow Dash looked up at her, eyes watering and upper lip quivering. She sniffled.

Rarity took a step back and caught her breath. She hadn’t meant to be so insulting. She inwardly scolded herself for letting her frustration get the better of her. Rainbow Dash simply required patience and a tender guiding hoof. “Rainbow Dash?” she asked cautiously.

Rainbow Dash tilted her head up and opened her mouth, but instead of words, she let out a long, howling, infantile wail. Tears fell from her eyes and dripped down her face. Her breath came in choked, sobbing spasms. She blubbered some half-gibberish, half-weeping about rings and mashed potatoes and only wanting to do something nice for her fiance.

Rarity’s jaw fell open. She stared at her bawling friend, not wholly believing what she saw. Surely, this must have been some kind of joke. Rainbow Dash did love her practical jokes, after all. And Rainbow Dash never cried.

But Rarity couldn’t deny what she saw with her own eyes. Rainbow Dash was crying.

Besides Fluttershy, Rarity had never seen a grown mare cry so openly before. Fluttershy’s crying episodes had always been modest affairs, soft whimpers and muffled sobs. But Rainbow Dash—the pegasus let out another ear-shattering wail—Rainbow Dash was something else altogether. Rainbow wept with a violence and passion that would have made any daytime television actor seethe with envy. She threw herself into grief with the same kind of gusto and showmanship which she usually reserved solely for her only two loves in life—showing off and taking afternoon naps. Rainbow Dash seemed to put her whole being, to infuse her very soul, into the humble act of weeping, and Rarity could only stare at the spectacle of it.

Rarity waited for Rainbow Dash to flash her signature smirk and break into a raspy laugh. But the longer Rarity waited, the more Rainbow Dash cried. Rarity slowly realized that those were real tears that streaked her friend’s face. And that Rarity herself had caused them.

Rarity quickly climbed the skirt pile, rushed to Rainbow Dash’s side, and wrapped her friend in a hug. Rainbow Dash latched onto her like a foal to her mother, and Rarity held her close. “I’m so sorry, dear,” she cooed, rocking Dash from side to side. “I didn’t mean to upset you. You’ve done nothing wrong at all. I sincerely apologize with all my heart.”

She stroked Rainbow Dash’s back, and Dash slowly quieted down. Rainbow Dash’s sobs turned to whimpers, then to sniffles, until the warm tears that trickled down Rarity’s shoulders ceased.

“I fear I’ve acted the boor,” Rarity said, still holding her. “You came to me for help, but I lost myself in the excitement. I believe I may have been a tad selfish. This is your day, and she is your fiance, not mine. What I want is not important. You should do what you think is best. I never should have told you different.”

Rainbow Dash pulled back. “Wait, so you think the ring in the potatoes is a good idea?”

“Well...” Rarity bit her lip. “If you think she would enjoy it, I suppose…”

“Ah yeah!” Rainbow Dash laughed and hoof-pumped, knocking Rarity off balance.

Rarity tipped, fell backwards, and tumbled over the side of the skirts as Rainbow Dash smiled and watched. Rarity stood back up with a huff.

Rainbow Dash seemed to have entirely forgotten that she had been crying her heart out only moments before. She sat upright on top of her pile of skirts, looking as satisfied as a queen of loose-fitting designer fashion sitting upon her skirt-pile throne. Rarity didn’t believe she had ever seen a pony’s mood swing more suddenly.

“Ponies will be talking about this proposal for centuries!” Rainbow Dash said, her wings fluttering behind her back in time with her words. “Probably even millennia. I bet everypony is going to start putting the ring in the mashed potatoes after hearing that I did it.”

Rarity opened her mouth to say something, and then laughed when she realized, “Rainbow Dash, you still haven’t yet told me who the lucky mare is.” It was incredible the things a pony could forget while caught up in the excitement of an engagement.

“Oh, yeah. I guess I haven’t.”

“Well,” Rarity said, waving a hoof at her, “go on.”

Rainbow Dash smirked. “Guess.”

“Oh, come now, Rainbow Dash. I don’t have the faintest idea.”

“Nope,” Rainbow Dash replied, crossing her hooves over chest. “I’m not telling until you guess.”

“Fine,” Rarity said with a small laugh and a shake of her head. “I do know her, yes?”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “Oh yeah, you definitely know her.”

Of course she did, Rarity thought. She knew most everyone living in Ponyville. That was assuming... “And I assume she lives here in Ponyville?”

“Yup.”

“Well…” Rarity had long suspected that, of all the stallions living in Ponyville, Thunderlane would be the one to capture Rainbow Dash’s heart. Thunderlane was attractive, athletic, competitive, somewhat crude—but considering Rainbow Dash’s manners, any crudeness would likely be to his benefit. More importantly, they worked very closely together on the weather team. But Rarity had never seriously considered the possibility that Rainbow Dash might not be attracted to stallions. She hadn’t appraised the mares of Ponyville as she had the stallions.

She named the first attractive, athletic, competitive, somewhat crude mare close to Rainbow Dash that came to mind. “Applejack?”

“Oh, gross!” Rainbow Dash made a gagging sound. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What a terrible thing to say! Why would you say Applejack is gross?”

“Because just… ew.” Rainbow Dash shuddered. “Ew. It’s not Applejack. Guess again.”

Rarity sighed. She tried to think of other mares she had seen Rainbow Dash spend time with besides the five of them. However, she soon realized she simply hadn’t seen Rainbow Dash with many other mares besides them. Rainbow Dash had never been interested in the more delicate pursuits that other mares enjoyed. “I’m sorry, I really don’t have any idea.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “You didn’t even try.”

“I tried Applejack.”

Rainbow Dash gagged. “Stop saying that! Or I’m gonna throw up on these jeans.”

“Dear...” Rarity frowned. “Those are skirts. I don’t carry any jeans. This is a boutique, after all. Not a common shopping mall.”

Rainbow Dash looked down and poked one of the skirts, then thoughtfully licked her hoof. She took a moment to swish the skirt-tinged spittle in her mouth. “Are you sure? They taste like pants.”

Rarity cleared her throat. “Without anymore information,” she said simply, “I will never be able to ascertain who she is.”

“Fine, but this is practically giving it away,” Rainbow Dash said, sounding disappointed. “She’s a pegasus.”

Well, that certainly did narrow down the possibilities. Being an earth pony town, Ponyville only had a limited number of pegasus ponies. It matched what Rarity had initially suspected, too. Rainbow would never allow anything to ground her, not even love. Even so, there were still too many pegasus ponies to narrow it down enough. “Hmm… Blossomforth?”

Rainbow Dash squinted down at her from her skirt pile perch. “Are you even trying?”

“Yes, I am. Blossomforth is as good a guess as I can make. Unless I name every pegasus living in Ponyville, I don’t know how I’m ever going to suss her out.”

“You don’t have to name all of them. You just have to name the right one.”

“Thank you kindly for the advice,” Rarity replied pleasantly. “I will be sure to take it into consideration. However, I will need more information if I am going to continue.”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “She’s on the weather team.”

Rarity nodded. That, too, matched her expectations. Rainbow Dash might not have been the workplace romance type, but Rarity couldn’t think of a place more likely for Dash to find stallions who shared her love of flying and eating greasy food. What mares were on the weather team, again? Flitter, and her sister, too. What was her name again? “Is it Cloud Chaser?”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “You’re, like, the worst guesser ever.”

“I’ve done all I can with what little you’ve given me to work with,” Rarity replied. “Perhaps if I was given something more useful, I would be able to guess.”

“Yeah, but you’re not even close at all.”

Rarity bit her tongue. “Well, both Cloud Chaser and Blossomforth are pegasus ponies living in Ponyville and working on the weather team.” Rarity smiled so cheerfully, she worried her face would split in half. “That is all the information you’ve given me, so I personally feel those were both very reasonable guesses.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it. But this is practically giving it away.” Rainbow Dash grinned. “She’s the best hoofball player in Ponyville.”

Rarity considered that for a moment. “...Applejack?”

“Are you kidding me?!” Rainbow Dash jumped off her pile, kicking several skirts off the top. She hovered over it, wings flapping rapidly, frowning down at Rarity like some flustered mammoth, freak hummingbird frowning down at an especially irksome (and very fashionable) bumblebee. Rarity suddenly thought of a new style for her spring line.

“You know I don’t follow the sport,” Rarity retorted. “The only hoofball players I know of are Applejack and Flitter. And you.”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “Exactly!” She stared at Rarity, rapidly rolling both her hooves in the empty air as if they were playing a game of Pictionary and Rarity was just on the cusp of finding the answer. Because, of course, wildly waving one’s hooves in the air is a foolproof Pictionary strategy, and is sure to help your partner find the answer every time, and is much more sensible than simply continuing to draw.

Unfortunately, Rarity had never been very good at Pictionary. “I give up,” she conceded. “I admit defeat. You are victorious. You, Rainbow Dash, are the butter to my glistening croissant. The cured leaves to my boiling green tea. Now, please tell me, who is your fiance?”

“Oh, come on.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “It’s obvious if you just think about it for a second.”

“No, dear, I can assure you that it is not obvious.”

Rainbow Dash’s expression hardened. “Maybe you just don’t know me as well as I thought you did.”

“That seems a tad unfair—”

“Can I have these jeans?” Dash asked suddenly.

“I—what?”

Rainbow Dash landed just in front of her, so close their muzzles nearly touched. “I’ve wasted way too much time here already. I need to get going. And have you seen me on these? They should be on me. I just came here to get something to look good, and these jeans seriously make me look good. Admit it.”

Rarity took a step back, looking between Rainbow Dash and the pile of je—skirts her friend had become so smitten with. “Well, I suppose—”

“Thanks, Rares!” Rainbow Dash jumped into the air and grabbed the entire pile between her hooves. “I’ve got some eggs to scramble and some potatoes to mash. See ya!” She flew off.

“Wait!” Rarity shouted, following her. “I didn’t mean you could take them all. And you still haven’t told me who she is. Rainbow Dash!”

But Rainbow Dash had already bolted out the door and flown halfway down the street, trailing dropped skirts all the way. Rarity stood in the open doorway and watched her go. Well, Rarity thought as Rainbow Dash turned a corner and flew out of view, at least she had something to keep herself busy now. She would have to stitch and sew an entirely new stock of skirts. It would take days at least.

She turned back inside and surveyed the mess Rainbow Dash had left behind. A few overturned display racks, some scattered skirts, and an assortment of dresses, scarves, and ribbons still littered the floor. Rarity set about cleaning.

She furrowed her brow as she righted a display rack. Rarity considered herself a more perceptive pony than most, and especially keen in the ways of the heart. She observed closely those around her. She saw the little signals and gestures that so often went unnoticed. The way a mare smiled, the look in a stallion’s eyes—all the little unspoken messages that passed between soon-to-be lovers. Where others saw an ordinary laugh, Rarity saw the beginnings of infatuation. Where others saw a simple compliment, Rarity saw the pursuits of courtship. Where others saw a slight blush, Rarity saw the fires of passion. Rarely did a couple come together in Ponyville that Rarity didn’t first anticipate.

It was impossible that she could have failed to see the growing affection in a pony as close to her as Rainbow Dash. Impossible. She watched her friends the most closely of all. She would have seen it.

No, it was impossible. Rainbow Dash couldn’t have kept a relationship secret from her. A one-night tryst, perhaps, but nothing longer term. Rainbow Dash was too loud and showy a mare to keep any secret for long.

Rarity paused. Then again, no matter how strangely Rainbow Dash had been acting, her affections for this other mare had seemed genuine, as had her intentions of proposing. Rarity had sensed no deceit. But Rainbow Dash certainly had been acting strangely, as well. Not just the sudden engagement announcement, but the crying episode, and when she had hit her head on the floor and hadn’t even noticed.

This would require further investigation, Rarity decided. But how? Rarity would have liked to visit Rainbow Dash’s house herself tonight. Then she would have been able to watch from the shadows and see who arrived for herself. But she had no way of getting up to Rainbow’s cloud home. Not without help. And who would help her secretly spy on Rainbow Dash while Rainbow (allegedly) proposed to another mare?

A knock at the door interrupted Rarity’s thoughts. “Coming,” she called. She opened the door, and Fluttershy came tumbling inside, hooves full of glasses and bottles.

“I’m so sorry I took so long,” Fluttershy said, panting and out of breath. “I didn’t know which ones you wanted, so I grabbed as many as I could carry. I came back as fast as I could, but those ponies outside wouldn’t let me in.”

“It’s no bother. To tell the truth, I had forgotten I ever sent you to get them.” Rarity examined the beauty products Fluttershy had brought back. She noted with a frown that she already owned a bottle of nearly every one. Ah well, there was no such thing as owning too many beauty products. “We won’t be needing any of them, after all. Rainbow Dash has already gone.”

“Oh, where do you want me to put these, then?” Fluttershy asked.

“Just lay them down anywhere. I can get to them myself when I clean the rest of this mess.”

“Okay.” Fluttershy frowned as she gently placed the glasses and bottles on the floor. “I wanted to ask Rainbow Dash how she was feeling before she left. I’ve been worried about her. She was so sick before, she could hardly stand up.” She looked to Rarity, eyes wide and worried. “How did she seem to you? Did she look better?”

“She seemed…” Rarity considered. ‘Deranged’ would probably seem too harsh a word. “Lively.”

Fluttershy smiled. “That’s so good to hear! I was worried about that medicine. Did you know, before yesterday, I’d always heard it was only used as an ingredient in love potions. But Zecora told me it could be used for feather flu, too, but it can have some awful side effects. Zecora said to use only a small dose, but Rainbow Dash was so sick, I think I used at least twice that.”

Rarity arched a brow at her. “So, you knew about her date, then?”

“Not before today, when she told you.”

“And you didn’t have any idea at all before then? Not so much as an inkling?”

“Um, no.” Fluttershy frowned. “Why? Who is she going on a date with?”

“She refused to tell me, and she said this isn’t even their first date together. They’ve been dating for months,” Rarity explained. “Not only that, but—and you will never believe this—Rainbow Dash plans on proposing to her this very night!”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened, and then she jumped in the air and giggled. “Oh, that’s so wonderful!” But she quickly dropped back down to the ground. “Wait, she’s proposing tonight?

“Yes. Tonight, in her home.”

“But… how is that possible?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Rarity shrugged. “I’ve thought it over all I can, but I still don’t know. Rainbow Dash hasn’t acted any differently recently than she ever has. Have you seen her spending more time with somepony than usual? Or perhaps talking about somepony more than usual? Or anything out of the ordinary at all?”

Fluttershy’s faced scrunched up and she squinted down at the floor. She looked up. “Is it Applejack?”

“No,” Rarity replied with a small laugh. “I believe I can say for certain that it is not Applejack.”

Fluttershy squinted down at the floor again, then shook her head. “No, I don’t think I’ve seen her acting any differently recently. I’ve seen her nearly every day for the past week, and I’ve gone to all of her practices. I don’t know how she could possibly have time for a special somepony.”

Rarity nodded. That confirmed it, then. “Neither do I, and I am certain without a doubt I would have noticed something. Anything. At least, somepony would have. This all seems very suspicious to me.”

“Are you sure it isn’t Applejack?”

“Quite sure,” Rarity said, then hesitated. Or was she sure? Now that Rarity considered it, she realized she really didn’t have any idea. Rainbow Dash denying that it was Applejack might actually have made Applejack the most likely suspect. Rarity felt sick at the thought.

There could be only one way to find out for sure.

Well, there were many ways to find out. But only one that involved the sort of intrigue a secret love affair such as this called for. It wasn’t as if Rarity had anything else to do today. She needed to find something to busy herself with. What fun!

“Fluttershy,” Rarity said delicately. “I believe our friend may be in dire trouble.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure.” Rarity lowered her head and narrowed her gaze appropriately. Fluttershy was a polite pony. An admirable quality, to be sure, but it could be an inconvenience at times. Rarity expected Fluttershy would be much too modest to agree to help Rarity spy on one of their friends. But Fluttershy would never dare refuse to help a friend in need. And Rainbow Dash probably did need help, of a certain kind. “I think we should check up on her right away.”

“I’ll go right now.” Fluttershy cantered to the door.

Rarity quickly stepped in front of her. “I think you should take me with you.”

“Why?”

“Just in case.”

Fluttershy frowned. “Just in case of what?”

“In case of anything. You can never be too careful,” Rarity said importantly, her tone implying all manner of terrible things that might befall Fluttershy if she went alone.

“Oh, okay. Do you want to go get Twilight’s balloon?”

“No, there’s no time for that. You’ll have to carry me.”

“Oh…” Fluttershy shrunk back a little. “Are you sure you don’t want to get Twilight’s balloon?”

“Yes, I am sure. I—we need to see Rainbow Dash right away.”

Fluttershy frowned and looked down at the floor. “Okay,” she said, but made no move towards the door.

“What’s wrong?” Rarity discreetly sniffed her mane. “I promise you that I’ve bathed today.”

“It’s not that…”

“Well, what is it then? We should not be wasting so much time.”

“I’m not sure I can carry you,” Fluttershy said quietly, shrinking back further. “I think you might be too, um, too heavy for me.”

Rarity gasped. “Fluttershy! I—you—why I never—I am not too heavy for anypony!”

“But I’m a weak flyer,” Fluttershy said, lowering herself all the way down to the floor and drawing her wings and mane about her. “And it’s just…”

“Just what?”

Then Fluttershy said, so quietly Rarity had to lean in close to hear, “Pinkie Pie told me you’ve been buying a lot of fudge at Sugarcube Corner...”

Rarity narrowed her eyes. She was going to have to have a talk with Pinkie Pie. Those purchases had been made in confidence. “I’ll have you know, that fudge I purchased is for special occasions only. Special occasions!” she repeated, drawing herself up. “It isn’t so that I may gorge myself on chocolate every night.” Admittedly, Rarity had a loose definition of ‘special occasion.’ She had eaten fudge every day for the past week. Boredom had a curious effect on one’s appetite. All the more reason to go see what Rainbow Dash was up to.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Fluttershy said quickly. “I didn’t mean anything by it, I promise!”

Rarity nodded deliberately. “Now, I can assure you I am as graceful and slender as any proper lady ever has been. More so, even. I could model my own dresses in Manehatten, if I were a vain mare. I promise you won’t have any trouble lifting me at all. In fact, I expect the experience will be much like carrying that little bunny you are always trotting about with. ”

Fluttershy nodded meekly.

“Good,” Rarity said with a smile. “Now with that out of the way, Rainbow Dash needs our help. We should leave at once.” Rarity trotted to the door.

“Wait, don’t open that!” Fluttershy said.

Rarity opened the door anyway. “We don’t have any time to w—”

“There she is!” a voice cried outside.

Rarity turned. Just beyond Carousel Boutique’s lawn, three ponies marched together in a small circle. Three accompanying picket signs waved over their heads. As they marched, stepping in unison, they smiled and laughed just as cheerfully as any group of protesters ever could.

“Workers of the world, unite!” the first yelled.

“Better dead than red!” the second cheered.

“Fifty-four forty or fight!” the third shouted.

Behind them, standing on a small stool and holding a megaphone, stood Flitter. She grinned right at Rarity, looking as smugly triumphant as Pinkie Pie had that time she taught Gummy how to slow dance in time for the Canterlot Masquerade Ball. Then Flitter turned to her protesters. “Good work, girls!” she encouraged them. “Keep it up!”

Rarity ran outside, past the picketers, and up to the stool. “Flitter! Why on earth are you staging a political protest in front of my boutique?”

“Make love, not war!” the first protester cried.

“Pacifists are parasites on freedom!” the second roared.

“A dollar a day, roasted carrots, and the gryphons must go!” the third screamed.

All the while, the three of them marched in a circle together, blissfully smiling and chanting away.

Rarity frowned. “What political movement are you even supporting?”

“It’s not a political protest!” Flitter yelled at her through the megaphone.

Rarity staggered back, ears nearly bursting.

Flitter cringed and dropped megaphone. “Whoops, sorry. Wait!” Her cringe turned to a scowl. “I mean not sorry, because this is a boycott! And we’re not going to stop until you apologize to me.”

“But you’ve never bought anything.” Rarity looked at the other picketers. She didn’t recognize any of them. “And I’m fairly certain these three have never stepped so much as one hoof in my boutique.”

“So?” Flitter asked. “That’s the whole point of a boycott.”

Rarity chuckled. “Flitter, dear, do you know what the word ‘boycott’ means?”

“Yeah,” she answered quickly. “Maybe. Why?”

Rarity laughed again. “Oh, no reason at all. You have fun now. And try not to hurt yourself, okay?” She patted Flitter on the shoulder, then turned around and walked back to the front door, leaving Flitter looking frustrated and confused on the stool.

As Rarity walked past the oblivious trio, the first bellowed, “Where’s the beef?!”

The second cheered, “We love to make you smile!”

The third hurrahed, “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t!”

Finally, as Rarity stepped inside and closed the door behind her, Flitter called after her, “I’m gonna tell Rainbow Dash about this tonight! You just wait!”

Fluttershy rushed to Rarity’s side. “Are you okay?”

“Of course I am,” Rarity replied. “I do worry about that poor girl, though. She doesn’t know her head from her rear-end. And why does she think Rainbow Dash would care? We’ll leave through the back.”

Fluttershy nodded, and they went to the back door. Outside, they stepped out onto the back lawn. Rarity waited for Fluttershy to go on, still hearing the muffled contradictory chants of the boycotters. But Fluttershy seemed content to stand quietly by the doorway.

After a time, Rarity tapped her hoof on the ground, and Fluttershy didn’t move. Rarity sighed dramatically, and Fluttershy didn’t move. Rarity looked pointedly at her, and Fluttershy still didn’t move.

Her repertoire of subtle displays of annoyance exhausted, Rarity finally asked, “Are you waiting for something?”

“Oh, sorry,” Fluttershy said, refusing to meet her gaze. She stepped forward, but hesitated a moment, covertly glancing over at Rarity while pretending to preen her wings.

Rarity sighed. “Fluttershy, I assure you, while I may have been eating slightly more fudge recently than usual, I am no heavier than I have ever been.”

“Um, of course you aren’t,” Fluttershy said with a frown. She slowly crouched low to the ground.

“Thank you,” Rarity said with a satisfied smile. She stepped over Fluttershy’s back. Fluttershy shuddered beneath her, but Rarity settled herself down comfortably. “All right, dear. I am ready.”

Fluttershy took a deep breath, and then pumped her wings. Fluttershy strained much more than Rarity had expected. They rose shakily and slowly into the air and over Carousel Boutique. Rarity turned and looked back at her flanks. She noted with some worry that perhaps her curves appeared just a smidge more ample than usual.

But Fluttershy finally finished her climb, and they began a steady glide towards Rainbow Dash’s cloud home. “Good work,” Rarity said. “I told you I wouldn’t be any trouble.”

“Th-thank you,” Fluttershy managed between pants.

Rarity took a moment to enjoy the feeling of being in the open air. A cool breeze swept through her mane, and the chants of the inane boycotters drifted up below. Rarity closed her eyes and breathed deep of—

Fluttershy dropped suddenly, and Rarity cried out and held on tight. Luckily, Fluttershy rapidly flapped her wings, and they steadied again. Rarity held close to Fluttershy’s back and neck from then on.

She decided then and there that she would throw out the fudge as soon as she returned to the Boutique.

But Rarity giggled excitedly when she saw Rainbow Dash’s home in the distance. Soon she would know just who Rainbow Dash’s fiance was, if Rainbow Dash had one at all. All of Rainbow Dash’s odd behavior would be explained. And who knew what other yet-unknown secrets waited to be revealed?

And she had thought this would be a slow day.

Hoof Lickin' Good

Fluttershy collapsed on the cloud that Rainbow Dash’s home stood upon. They dropped so suddenly Rarity nearly tumbled right over Fluttershy’s side, but Rarity grabbed hold of Fluttershy's withers at the last moment. Beneath her, Fluttershy lay limp on the cloud-stuff, her legs and wings splayed out around her. She panted heavily, her tongue lolling out of her mouth, her mane wet with sweat, and her face red with exhaustion.

“Y-you… you can get off… now,” Fluttershy rasped between strangled breaths.

“No, I can’t,” Rarity said. “I would fall through the cloud.”

Fluttershy shook her head weakly. “No… you’ll be fine… please get off.”

“Now, dear. You know I would love nothing more than to relieve you, but—Aahh!” Fluttershy forcibly bucked Rarity off of her back with an exasperated grunt, and Rarity fell to the ground—well, to the cloud. She cringed as she hit, preparing go freefalling into open air. Instead, she lightly bounced on the cloud surface.

“Clouds here… are enchanted,” Fluttershy managed, then collapsed back onto her stomach.

“Oh.” Rarity stood up and deliberately fixed her mane. “Well, you should have said so.”

Fluttershy didn’t reply. She lay on the cloud, entirely unmoving besides the rapid rise and fall of her chest.

“Are you all right?” Rarity asked.

Fluttershy just barely nodded.

Rarity slowly reached out a hoof, hesitated a moment, then rested it on Fluttershy’s side. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I wouldn’t have asked you to carry me if I had known what trouble you would have. Maybe I do weigh a little more than I thought.”

Fluttershy raised her head. “You think?”

Rarity turned away. She chose not to acknowledge Fluttershy’s retort. The rude behavior shouldn’t be held against Fluttershy. Exhaustion could make a pony say strange things, sometimes. “I am sorry,” Rarity said again. “And thank you for carrying me.”

Fluttershy’s breathing calmed, and she stood up. She nodded to Rarity, her face still slightly flushed. “You're welcome.”

Rarity nodded back, then turned her attention to Rainbow Dash’s home. She didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, nothing that evidenced the ill designs that were no doubt being secretly plotted within. It looked suspiciously ordinary.

What a perfect cure for a slow day this was! Anything could be happening inside. Intrigue, conspiracy, secret meetings of the International Weather League, maybe even a lesbian sex cult harem. With Applejack! Rarity couldn’t rule out any possibility.

Fluttershy trotted past while Rarity was busy imagining all the most exciting possible lesbian sex cult scenarios. Fluttershy walked over the walkway and up to the front door.

“Wait!” Rarity cried, coming to her senses and running towards Fluttershy. “What do you think you are doing?”

Fluttershy paused and turned back to her. “Um, knocking?”

“You will do no such thing!”

“Why not?” Fluttershy asked.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Because then she will know that we’re here.”

Fluttershy’s brow wrinkled. “We don’t want her to know that we’re here?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Why not?”

Rarity sighed. “Fluttershy… I am…. worried Rainbow Dash will be embarrassed by whatever is afflicting her. Yes, that’s it. If we ask her outright, she will likely hide it. We need to be more subtle. This will require a delicate touch.”

“Delicate how?”

“Delicate in that we won’t waltz straight through Rainbow’s front door and openly accuse one of our closest friends of purposefully deceiving us, and possibly being involved in an international weather conspiracy or a secret lesbian harem with Applejack and stars only know who else.”

“Um, why would we ever do that?”

“You can just never be too sure about these sort of things,” Rarity replied quickly. “This way!” Rarity slowly crept up to a ground floor (cloud floor?) window, and Fluttershy followed. Rarity crouched beneath it, out of sight. She grinned. She felt positively dastardly, like one of the supervillainesses in those comic books Spike was always reading.

Fluttershy stood next to her, one brow raised. “We aren’t going to break in through her window, right?”

“Of course not.” Actually, that wasn’t such a bad idea. “Well, maybe. We’ll see what happens.”

Fluttershy still stood beside her, but kept a careful distance away, as if she worried Rarity might start baying like a rabid dog and mauling the pony nearest to her at the slightest provocation.

“Get down!” Rarity whispered. “Don’t let her see you!”

Fluttershy crouched down, but edged slightly further away. “Are you sure Rainbow Dash is the one with a problem?”

“Sshh!” Rarity hissed. She carefully peered over the bottom of the window. Most of the room inside was empty. The only furniture was a single small table and two chairs.

“What do you see?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nothing,” Rarity replied. “Just—wait!”

Rainbow Dash trotted into the room, wearing what Rarity at first thought must have been some horrid Nightmare Night costume, but soon realized was really the skirts Rainbow Dash had carried out of the Boutique. Rainbow wore them all at once. To be more accurate, Rainbow Dash wore each and every single skirt she had carried from the Boutique, all at once, along with a few others Dash must have already had at home. Horribly clashing yellows and purples and reds and greens and oranges hung all over her body, without any sense of aesthetics. Or—judging by the skirts that dangled from Dash’s neck and wings and ankles—any idea how skirts were meant to be worn at all.

“It’s Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said.

Fluttershy sat up next to Rarity, looking inside. “Are those chairs and table for her date?”

“I don’t know.”

Rainbow Dash carried a white, cloth bundle on her back. Grinning widely, she skipped into the room so that the loose skirts swung this way and that in time with her jumps. Rainbow Dash set the bundle on the table with a little hop. She opened it, revealing a set of plates and utensils. She spread the cloth over the table, then set the plates and utensils in front of each chair, whistling as she worked.

“It looks like she’s setting up for a date,” Fluttershy said.

Rarity didn’t reply.

When she had finished setting the table, Rainbow Dash left the room the same way she had come.

Well, at least this part of Rainbow Dash’s story seemed to be true. She certainly seemed to be planning on having someone over for dinner. It could have been her fiance, or Applejack, or a member of her lesbian harem, or just about anyone else. Rarity couldn’t rule out any possibility.

Rainbow Dash reentered, still whistling and skipping, skirts still swinging and swaying. She set a silver vase on the table, then dropped a single red rose inside. She placed a long white candle beside it, and then lit it. Rainbow took a step back and squinted down at the table. After a time, she frowned and moved forward. She rubbed her face thoughtfully on the plates and silverware, then took another step back and squinted at the table again. This process repeated itself several times, until, apparently satisfied with the quantity of face-to-fork rubbing she had accomplished in a single evening, Rainbow Dash grinned and flew out of the room.

“Didn’t you say she was going to propose tonight?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yes, that is what she claimed,” Rarity replied, feeling just the smallest niggle of worry. A candlelit dinner for two, the rose, the intricately set table—it was beginning to look very much like Rainbow Dash was preparing for an engagement dinner, albeit a slightly bizarre one. Could it be possible that Rarity had misread the situation? That there was no secrecy or intrigue here at all? Nothing more than one mare declaring her love for another? It wouldn’t be decent to spy on such an occasion. A proposal was a moment meant to be shared by lovers, not with overly nosy, fudge-filled friends.

“Then, I don’t think we should be watching,” Fluttershy said, backing away. “It wouldn’t be polite, and Rainbow Dash seems fine to me.”

“Just give me one more moment.” Rarity pressed her face closer to the window. “Then we’ll go. We have to make absolutely sure.”

“Make sure of what?”

Before Rarity had time to think of an excuse, Rainbow Dash walked back into the room. This time, she was dragging a full-length, rectangular mirror behind her. Rainbow set the mirror down in one of the chairs, then plopped her own rump down in the chair opposite.

Rainbow Dash leaned forward, towards the mirror, and cupped her chin in her hooves. An embarrassed, lopsided smile appeared on her face. Dash gazed at her reflection with the same longing look that Spike gazed at gem-frosted donuts, that Applejack gazed at apple pies still baking in an oven, or that Twilight gazed at autographed head shots of Princess Celestia.

“Is… is she practicing?” Fluttershy asked.

“I suppose so,” Rarity replied, watching closely.

Rainbow Dash began speaking to her reflection. Her lips moved slowly, repeatedly punctuated by loving sighs, flutters of her eyelashes, and sultry looks. Rarity had never seen Rainbow Dash behave so coquettishly before, to be so blatantly girly. Dash looked more like a camel in season than the coarse daredevil Rarity knew. Rarity tried to listen, but Rainbow Dash was speaking in too low a voice for her to hear.

Rarity pressed her ear flat against the window.

“...You… most beautiful… hippopotamus…” Rarity just barely heard Rainbow Dash whisper. “...I love… more than… cactuses… hey… pookey schmookey… I love your… pookem schmookems...”

Rarity slowly backed away from the window.

“What is she saying?” Fluttershy asked.

Rarity stared. “I… I have no idea.”

Rainbow Dash still dreamily gazed into the mirror, whispering sweet nothings to her own reflection with a selfish passion rivaled only by Narcissus himself.

A bell chimed somewhere inside, and Rainbow Dash jumped out of her chair. “That’s the food!” Dash said loud enough for both Rarity and Fluttershy to hear. She darted out of the room, then reappeared in the doorway for a moment and shouted, “Don’t you dare move one sexy lightning bolt on your cutie mark, ‘cause I’ll be right back!” to the mirror, before leaving again.

“Is she practicing?” Fluttershy asked again.

Rarity shook her head. “I’m not sure.” But her suspicions had been confirmed. Their friend had become involved in something bizarre, though Rarity did have to admit to a disappointing lack of lesbian sex cults. Not that she had ever seriously believed there really would be any. That would have been preposterous.

Rainbow Dash reappeared, now wearing a white apron over her skirts with the words “I ❤ THE CHEF” stamped on its front. She carried two plates of scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes on her back. She laid them down on the table, grinned, and then sat back down.

Fluttershy moved closer to the window. “Are those scrambled eggs?”

“Don’t ask,” Rarity replied. Then she noticed some oddly shaped lumps in the mashed potatoes Dash had set in front of the mirror. Looking closely, she saw that the mirror’s plate of mashed potatoes was full of rocks.

Rainbow Dash immediately—and violently—dove face-first into her food, the utensils she had laid out earlier forgotten. She slurped and sucked noisily with her muzzle down against the plate. Bits of egg and potato flew every way, and some even splatted against the window.

Rarity frowned. “This would have to be the most elaborate practice I’ve ever seen, if it were practice, which I’m beginning to very seriously doubt.”

“Maybe she’s playing a prank?” Fluttershy suggested.

“On whom?”

Fluttershy shrugged. “On us?”

Rainbow Dash, having finished her plate, tossed it aside and reached over the table. She grabbed the second plate and pulled it in front of her, knocking over both the candle and vase. Dash plunged just as indecently into it as she had the first. She crunched down on the rock-filled mashed potatoes, obviously chewing away. A trickle of blood leaked out of her mouth.

Rarity winced, then looked about them. They were the only other ponies there. But Rainbow Dash hadn’t so much as hinted at knowing of their presence. Rarity shook her head. “No, this is much too intricate, too detailed a prank for her. Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have the patience for something like this. She likes the simple jokes. Whoopee cushions, sneezing powder, air horns—nothing requiring this much forethought, and especially nothing subjecting herself to this much embarrassment.” Rarity shook her head again. “No, this is no prank.”

“Then what—”

Rainbow Dash screamed, and both Rarity and Fluttershy jumped backwards. They looked just in time to see Rainbow Dash pull a bloody-mashed-potato-covered diamond ring out of her mouth. She screamed again.

“Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!” Dash jumped up and down, her skirts rising and falling in the air all around her. “Yes yes yes!” she cried, then launched herself clear over the table. She tackled the mirror to the ground, so she was mostly out of sight behind the table. Rarity could clearly see Dash’s body straddling the mirror, though.

After a moment, intimate moans and slurping sounds began to arise from behind the table.

Rarity and Fluttershy looked at each other, faces reddening and eyes wide. For a long while, they listened to the indecent sounds emanating from behind the table.

Finally, Rarity cleared her throat. “Fluttershy, I think our friend may have lost her mind.”

Fluttershy nodded.

“But what could have caused this?” Rarity asked, frowning. “She was acting normally just last week. Could it have been the feather flu? You don’t think this could be contagious, do you?”

Fluttershy bit her lip. “The feather flu?”

A long, passionate moan erupted from inside, and Rarity and Fluttershy both cringed.

Rarity opened her mouth to say something else, then froze when a thought struck her. “Fluttershy,” she said slowly, “where did you say you got that medicine you gave Rainbow Dash?”

“Um, Zecora…”

“And you did mention you’d never used this particular medicine before, yes?”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “You don’t think…?”

“And you said something about side effects?” Rarity asked, just as a slap rang out from behind the table, followed by a loud squeak from Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy nodded slowly.

“And what might those side effects be?”

“Um.” Fluttershy shrunk back a little and looked down. “If I remember right… Delusions, delirium, dramatic mood swings, odd behavior, and, um, insensitivity to pain.”

They heard a crash from inside. “Oh, yeah!” Rainbow Dash half-shouted, half-gasped, her wings flared out behind her. Then she collapsed and went quiet.

Fluttershy looked up. “Oh my…”

Rarity nodded. “Oh my, indeed.”

Fluttershy trembled and backed away, shaking her head. “No, no, no. I never meant to—Zecora warned me it might—She was just so sick, I was looking for anything that might—She begged me to—” Fluttershy looked up at Rarity, her eyes watering. “I must have given her too much. Zecora told me to give her a smalI dose, but she was just so sick, and I—I swear I never would have given it to her if I’d known it would do this to her! I’m so sorry!”

“Of course it isn’t your fault, dear,” Rarity said, giving her a small hug. She smirked a little. She had suspected this all along. Drugs and lesbian sex cults went hoof-in-hoof, after all. Everyone knew that. “You were only trying to help. Now that we know what the problem is, we know how to help her properly.”

Fluttershy sniffed. “How?”

“Well, first,” Rarity said, straightening up and looking into the window. Rainbow Dash was still lying on the floor behind the table. “I am sure we both can agree that we shouldn’t let her take anymore of that medicine.”

Fluttershy stood up beside her and nodded. “Right.”

“Does she have any with her, or do you have it all?” Rarity asked.

“Um… I think I left some in the house with her, just in case.”

“Then we’ll have to go in and get it.”

“I just don’t understand why it did this to her,” Fluttershy said. “Why would it make her act like that?”

“You said hallucinations.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I said delusions. And she wasn’t hallucinating anything. She was looking right at her reflection and talking to herself.”

“Well…” Rarity frowned. Fluttershy was right. Rainbow Dash might have been acting strange, but she didn’t appear to have been actively imagining anything. She hadn’t acted as though her reflection was talking back. And who hadn’t spoken to their reflection in the mirror from time to time? The medicine explained some of the behavior, but not falling in love with herself. It was almost as if Rainbow Dash had been given a love potion, but instead of meeting the eyes of another pony, the first pony she had locked eyes with had been herself. Unless… “Didn’t you mention something about some ponies using this medicine in love potions?”

“Um, yes, but that wouldn’t explain, um, this.” Fluttershy gestured to Rainbow Dash’s prone figure lying behind the table.

“And why not?”

Fluttershy bit her lip. “Well, I only just read about it in one of my magazines the other day. Some ponies in Canterlot have been using it—”

“Astragalus?” Rarity asked, her eyes widening.

“Um, yes?”

“I read that article, too,” Rarity said. “You’re right. It isn’t a love potion at all.”

Fluttershy nodded. “It’s more like a truth serum.”

Rarity remembered. Astragalus could “reveal the inner desires of your beloved’s heart,” or so the magazine had claimed, but it had never mentioned anything about forcing ponies to fall in love with anyone else.

“The magazine I read,” Fluttershy continued, “said that if you think somepony likes you, or, um, somepony else, but they’re trying to keep it a secret, if you give them astragalus, they’ll show their true feelings for you. And it said that if you think your coltfriend has been, um, unfaithful, all you have to do is give him some astragalus. If somepony gives you astragalus, you’ll show who you truly love without even realizing it.”

Rarity chuckled at the implication. “So unless Rainbow Dash’s true love is herself, that means we’ll have to look for our culprit elsewhere.”

“Yeah.” Fluttershy smiled. “She has always thought very highly herself.”

Both Rarity and Fluttershy laughed. It made an uncomfortable amount of sense when Rarity thought about it, though. She had often suspected, and remarked as much to her friends, that Rainbow Dash loved her own image above all else. Yes, it made a very uncomfortable amount of sense…

Fluttershy’s laugh died at the exact same moment as Rarity’s. They stared at each other for a long, quiet moment.

Fluttershy shrunk back. “It couldn’t be!”

“We need to get the rest of that medicine away from her,” Rarity said quickly.

Fluttershy nodded.

“You don’t think she’ll be dangerous, do you?” Rarity asked.

“I don’t…” Fluttershy looked in through the window. “Um, where did she go?”

Rarity spun around and looked inside. Rainbow Dash was gone. Rarity’s eyes darted all over the room, but she found it alarmingly lacking in delusional, self-obsessed pegasus ponies. “Oh no.”

Rainbow Dash was loose. She could have been anywhere by now. She was deranged, and worst of all, she was loose. And even worse than that, she was deranged. And loose! Rarity’s breath caught. What might she do? What if Dash found out that they had been spying on her? Why, she might flay their very flesh from their bones! Deranged ponies did that, right?

“Hey, guys!” a raspy, excited voice said, just behind them.

The Eggs Are in the Scramble Now

Rarity and Fluttershy both jumped. Rarity swallowed a heavy lump in her throat, then slowly turned around. “Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow Dash hovered in front of them, still wearing her skirts and apron, mashed potatoes still clinging to her chin, and still smiling brightly. “What’s up?”

Fluttershy paled. “Um…”

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity said again, putting on her very best not-at-all-nervous smile. “H-how are you feeling?”

“Amazing!” Rainbow Dash cried, throwing all four of her hooves in the air at once. “I’m getting married!”

A single, cold droplet of sweat trickled down Rarity’s forehead. “Uh, yes, I believe you mentioned something about that.”

“No, but now it’s official. Look!” Rainbow Dash held out a wide, golden unicorn ring.

“Oh…” Rarity swallowed. Up close, Rainbow Dash didn’t seem like a dangerous lunatic. “It is, um, very nice.”

“Yeah, it is!” Dash said, eyes sparkling.

“Um, isn’t that a unicorn ring?” Fluttershy asked.

Rarity glared at her.

“Yeah,” Dash answered, unfazed.

Fluttershy ignored Rarity’s glare. “But how will you wear it, then? You aren’t a unicorn. You know that, right?”

“Duh!” Rainbow Dash plopped the ring on top of her head, right on the spot where a horn would have been, had she been a unicorn. Of course, she wasn’t a unicorn. So the ring sat on her head, stuck in her mashed potato-encrusted mane, looking as out of place and confused as a giraffe in a snowball fight. Rainbow Dash grinned at them.

“Eh heh heh.” Rarity grinned back. “It’s very nice.”

Fluttershy frowned. “I don’t think—”

“Could you excuse us for one moment?” Rarity said abruptly. She grabbed Fluttershy by the shoulder and dragged her a few steps away. “What do you think you’re doing?!” Rarity hissed, pressing her muzzle close to Fluttershy’s ear. “Do you want her to flay our flesh from our bones?!”

“I know what I’m doing,” Fluttershy whispered back. “I’ve seen this happen to some of my animal friends before. We need to try to keep her grounded in reality, or she’ll just keep getting worse. We can’t let her lose herself to her delusions. She could hurt herself, or worse.”

“Fine, just wait until I’m—”

“Hey,” Rainbow Dash said, appearing between them. “What are you guys doing up here, anyway?”

Rarity jumped and laughed and smiled and turned around all at the same time. “Here?” she asked. “What do you mean here? Why shouldn’t I be here? Why are you here? Golly, I sure do just adore still having my flesh joined to my bones, don’t you?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” Dash answered. “But why are you at my house?”

“Oh, you meant that?” Rarity laughed too loudly. “We came… we came to see… you! We came to see you! But now we have seen you. There you are, right in front of us, and we can see you! Isn’t that right, Fluttershy? I guess we’ll be getting along now. After all, we came to see you, and now we’ve seen you. Whoo golly! Have a nice day.” She grabbed Fluttershy and began trotting quickly away.

“How’d you get up here, anyway?” Dash asked as they passed.

“We flew, of course,” Rarity answered.

Dash rolled her eyes. “I know how Fluttershy got up here. I asked how you got up here.”

“I told you we flew!”

“I carried her,” Fluttershy said quietly as Rarity dragged her away.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened, then she grinned. “No way! That’s amazing Fluttershy. Way to go!” She flew up to them and gave Fluttershy a hoof-bump. “I never knew you had it in you. Great job!”

Fluttershy glanced at Rarity, then blushed. “Oh, it was nothing...”

“That so wasn’t nothing!” Dash cried. “That’s seriously amazing!”

“Excuse me,” Rarity interrupted, letting go of Fluttershy and scowling. “Please, pray tell, what is so ‘seriously amazing’ about her carrying me up here?”

“I just never knew she had it in her,” Dash said again, grinning obliviously.

“And why is that?” Rarity asked.

Dash kept smiling. “You know.”

Rarity took a long, tired breath. “No. No in fact I do not know. Please do explain.”

“Oh, you know.” Dash shrugged. “Pinkie said you’ve been hitting the fudge pretty hard lately.”

Rarity’s face burned furiously. Fluttershy quietly crept away from her. Rarity swore, the next time she saw Pinkie Pie, they were going to have a very adult conversation about vendor-client confidentiality that the big, bouncing ball of pink lint wouldn’t soon forget.

“That fudge is for special occasions,” Rarity said through gritted teeth. “And I have not gained one single pound! Not a single pound. Why, I would bet Opal’s collar that I have even lost weight.”

“Cool,” Rainbow Dash replied, smiling. “But if you need me to carry you back down, just ask. Fluttershy’s probably pretty tired out, huh?”

“I can assure you,” Rarity said pleasantly, “we will require nothing of the sort. Fluttershy bore me effortlessly. It was almost as if I wasn’t there at all.”

“Actually…” Fluttershy, standing off to the side, closed her mouth almost as soon as she had opened it.

“Fluttershy!” Rarity cried, and stomped up to her. “Whatever do you mean?”

Fluttershy leaned towards her and whispered. “You go with her, and while she’s gone, I’ll find the rest of the medicine and get rid of it.”

“Why do I have to be the one to go with her?” Rarity protested. “I can find the medicine just as well as you can. And whatever Pinkie Pie says, I have not been eating any more fudge than any other pony with taste would.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I already know where the medicine is. Please just go with her. Rainbow needs to be out of the house so I can get it.”

“But…” Rarity bit her lip. Time alone with a deranged pony was not high on Rarity’s list of ways to spend an afternoon. Flying with and being carried midair by said deranged pony was significantly less high on that list. But they did need to get that medicine... “Fine, then,” Rarity conceded. “But if she tries to flay my flesh from my bones, the blame will lie solely at your hooves.”

Fluttershy smiled. “She won’t. I promise.”

“How would you know?” Rarity accused, looking sidelong at Rainbow Dash, who was now enthusiastically leaning her head down on the other side of the cloud and enthusiastically rubbing her cheek on the cloud’s surface. “We don’t have any idea what she’s capable of.”

“I’ve known Rainbow Dash for a long time, since I was a filly, and I have never once seen her flay anypony,” Fluttershy said. “I think you’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure…”

“And remember,” Fluttershy said seriously. “You have to keep her grounded in reality. You should try to explain what’s happened to her with the astragalus on your way home.”

“What?!” Rarity nearly shouted, then quickly lowered her voice before continuing, “Have you gone mad? The very last thing I should do is challenge an unsound pony’s conception of reality while we’re flying together.”

Fluttershy sighed. “It’ll be fine, but she might not be fine if we let live in her fantasies too long. The longer we wait, the harder on her it’ll be to break out of them.”

“Why can’t we do it here, then? Right now?”

“So that I can get rid of the rest of the astragalus before she has a chance to take anymore. The first thing she might do is try to take more, and that’ll make her even worse.”

“But…” Rarity groaned. “If you really think this is what is best for her, I suppose I can try.”

Fluttershy smiled brightly. “I do, and I know you’ll do really well.”

Rarity let out a small, noncommittal grunt, and turned towards Rainbow Dash.

“Remember, it’s very important that you try to explain what’s happened to her,” Fluttershy whispered as Rarity walked away. “And send her right back here as soon as you’re home.”

“Yes,” Rarity muttered as she trotted to Rainbow Dash.

Dash, apparently finding face rubbing to be entirely too mundane an activity for a pony as mentally unbalanced as herself, had started rubbing her rump back and forth on the cloud surface instead in the absolute most devious manner of rump rubbing Rarity had ever witnessed. Dash waved at Rarity. “Ready to go?”

Rarity followed the maniacal sway of Dash’s backside with her eyes. “Uh, yes. Yes I am. It wouldn’t be too much of a bother to ask you to carry me down, would it?”

“Nope!”

Rarity waited, but Rainbow Dash kept smiling up at her and caressing the downy cloud with her bum.

“Rainbow?” Rarity finally asked. “Could we please leave now? I have work I need to do.”

“Yup!” Rainbow Dash hopped onto her hooves, darted forward, swept Rarity off her hooves, dropped the startled unicorn on her back, and then dove over the side of the cloud, all before Rarity had the time to do so much as blink.

They dropped into the air and Rarity screamed. She grasped at the skirts dangling from Dash’s neck, but the rushing air ripped them off Dash’s body. Just as Rarity began to fall backwards, Rainbow Dash leveled off into a gentle glide, and Rarity flung herself around Dash’s neck.

“Never do that again,” Rarity said, panting and shaking.

“Do what?” Dash asked, not a hint of sarcasm in her voice. “Oh, and we should probably hurry. I have to meet Flitter for evening weather duty pretty soon. It’s her shift tonight.”

Rarity didn’t bother to respond. Slowly, she got her breathing and shaking hooves under control. Dash flew easily down in a gentle arc now, beating her wings in a slow, rhythmic cadence. Rarity found flying wasn’t so bad when she wasn’t hurtling down to a sudden, sloppy death. Rarity even began to enjoy herself. Dash’s cacophony of skirts—while looking utterly horrid from an aesthetic sense—were actually quite comfortable to sit on, and the brisk air did feel ever so pleasant passing through her mane. After a time, Rarity even eased her grip on Dash’s neck. Then she noticed the engagement ring tangled in Dash’s mane, and she remembered what Fluttershy had asked her to do.

She sighed. What a perfectly unpleasant way to ruin what had almost become a perfectly pleasant experience.

Rarity cleared her throat. “Rainbow Dash?”

“What’s up?” Dash asked.

Rarity opened and closed her mouth several times. What was the most polite manner in which to explain to a close friend that they had been unintentionally dosed with a dangerous drug, and moreover, said drug was presently causing them to literally lose their mind? After much deliberation, Rarity settled on, “This ring is gorgeous. I never knew you had such an eye for jewelry, Rainbow Dash.”

It was the single, permanent truth of the world that every salespony knew. When in doubt—flattery.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash replied, her voice muffled by the wind. “It took forever to find just the right one. I think I went to at least five different jewelers. Totally worth it, though, right? This was most expensive ring I could find.”

“The most expensive?” Rarity winced. “I do hope you purchased a return warranty.”

“Yeah, but I don’t settle for anything but the best,” Dash replied. “But actually, I don’t even care about that. I don’t want the best ring just to have the best ring. I wanted the best ring because this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I wanted something that could show that. So ponies could see it every time they look at me. Does that make any sense?”

“I suppose, but, Rainbow, I’m afraid there’s something I need to tell you—”

“And it really is,” Rainbow Dash continued, talking faster and her wings beating faster in time. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened. I know I don’t usually fall for all that sappy sort of stuff. Seriously, sap is gross. Have you ever tried it? But there are some things out there in the world worth getting sappy over.” She laughed. “Right now, I could eat a whole bucket of sap, just drain the thing, and I don’t think I’d mind at all. You know what I mean?”

“Dear, there is something very important I need to tell—”

“I just never knew it was possible to be this happy, to feel this happy. I mean, I love flying. Being in the air, I never feel better than when I’m in the air. Everything feels okay when you’re flying, no matter what’s going on down on the ground, it all sort of feels like it’s gonna work out okay when I’m flying. But this? This is just—” Rainbow Dash abruptly laughed and spiraled backwards through a somersault so quickly Rarity didn’t even have a chance to scream. “This is being in love! This is what it feels like to be in love, and I’d never fly again if it meant I could feel this way forever.”

Rarity began to feel very sick, and it didn’t have anything to do with the somersault. “Oh?”

Rainbow Dash’s flying became more erratic. She rose abruptly and then immediately fell, and her wings beat ever faster. “You were right all along, Rarity. I always thought it was really dumb the way you read all of those novels about mares and hunks and got excited about dating and putting on makeup and practiced making out with that mannequin you dressed up like Fancy Pants every weekend”

“How could you possibly know about that?!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dash said, without the slightest tone of condescension or mockery. “I wish I spent as much time making out with Fancy Pants mannequins as you do, and I’m gonna tell Pinkie to stop laughing at you about it.”

Rarity’s stomach lurched. “Pinkie Pie knows, too?!”

“Sure,” Dash answered with a shrug. “Lots of ponies do. But really, don’t worry about it. I get it now. This is the greatest feeling in the world. I’d do anything I could to feel this way. I’d do anything I could to be in love. I just—jeez, I sound so stupid.” She laughed. “I just wish I could show you how amazing this feels.”

Rarity didn’t know what to say anymore. She didn’t know if she should be upset that half the town apparently knew one of her most embarrassing secrets, touched by the intimate feelings Rainbow Dash had just shared with her, or guilty for what she would soon have to explain to her friend. She ended up with a confused mixture of the three frothing about in her stomach like some horrible embarrassed, happy, guilt-ridden soup. She wished she had some fudge.

Rainbow Dash laughed again. “I’m there, Rarity. Right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I didn’t even know it was possible to be this happy. I hope this happens to you, too, someday, all of you. I really do. I hope everyone gets to feel this someday.” Rainbow Dash sighed contentedly. “Oh, hey, didn’t you say you had something important to tell me?”

Then Rainbow Dash turned around and looked at Rarity with a smile so honest and innocently happy that Rarity’s heart broke.

Rarity tried to smile back. “It… it can wait. Please bring me home.”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “If you say so.”

Together, with Ponyville spread out beneath them, they drifted slowly down out of the afternoon sky. Rainbow Dash smiled at the whole world, and Rarity stared vacantly at the shape of Carousel Boutique, growing larger every moment.

__________________________________________________

Rainbow Dash dropped down in front of Carousel Boutique’s front door. Rarity looked around. It seemed the boycotters had tired themselves out, or maybe simply lost interest. Either way, they were gone.

“You can get off of me now,” Dash said.

Rarity muttered an apology and slid down off Rainbow Dash’s back. Her legs felt wobbly, not used to standing on solid ground.

“You good?” Dash asked.

“Oh, yes. I’m sure I will be fine.” Rarity stood up straight. “See?”

“Cool. I’ll see ya later.” Dash turned and jumped back up into the air.

“No, wait, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity said. “I still need to tell you something.”

Rainbow Dash dropped back down. “Okay. What’s up?”

“It’s…” Rarity suddenly became very interested in one of the curls in her mane. It had gotten tangled at some point during the flight. She couldn’t have that, now could she? It would be an absolute tragedy to go into a conversation this important with a tangled curl. Rainbow Dash deserved for Rarity to look her best. Rarity set about fixing it.

“Uh, Rarity?” Dash said. “You gonna tell me whatever, or can I go?”

Rarity finished fixing the curl in an alarmingly short time. She had gotten altogether too good at looking good. She cleared her throat and set her attention on Rainbow Dash. “It’s about your engagement.”

Rainbow Dash smiled at her.

“Are…” Rarity cursed that smile. “Are you sure you’re happy?”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “Uh, yeah. I’m pretty sure.”

“No, no, no.” Rarity shook her head. “I mean, are you really happy, or do you only feel happy?”

Dash still smiled. “What’s the difference?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” Rarity desperately wished she had another curl to fix.

“What does this have to do with me getting engaged?” Dash asked, one brow raised.

“What if you’re only imagining it?” Rarity asked.

“Imagining what?”

Rarity swallowed. “Being happy.”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “What would be the difference?”

Rarity didn’t answer. She really wished she had some fudge. She thought about fudge for a while.

“What did you want to tell me?” Dash finally asked, breaking Rarity out of her fudgy musings.

Rarity hesitated, then steeled herself and stood a little straighter. “Rainbow Dash, I wish that, however short it may be, the time you and your fiance have together will be a happy one.”

“Thanks,” Dash said, smiling again. “See you later.”

Rarity nodded. “And tell Fluttershy… nothing, I suppose.”

“Sure thing,” Rainbow Dash replied, jumping into to the air and flying away.

Rarity watched her go, and noted that her friend was still smiling all the way.

Rarity walked back inside the Boutique. When she stepped inside, she saw that the mess Rainbow Dash had made earlier hadn’t gone anywhere. She would have to organize it all before she opened tomorrow. She ignored it, and trotted straight into the kitchen. She flung open a drawer, pushed aside its other contents, and pulled out her hoard of fudge.

She set it all on the counter, a small mountain of fudge, altogether. Rarity took a deep breath, and then threw herself face first into fudge mountain.

She ran and skipped down its sugary, sprinkled paths. She twirled and sang in its low, honeyed valleys, while the sugary wind swept over her mane. She collapsed in bloated bliss, then rolled down the coffee-colored hills. She grabbed up all the flowers she could as she rolled and tumbled, rolled and tumbled until she couldn’t see straight. She shoved the flowers, sweet as candy, into her mouth. She swallowed them down, eating them by hooffuls, and the whole world spun around her. She vomited up fudge onto herself and then pulled the delicious, wet mucous back into her mouth. She fell over into a syrupy chocolate lake, and plunged down, down, down until she couldn’t breathe or hear or think.

There was Rarity and fudge mountain, and then there was only Rarity.

Epilogue - No Thank You, Ma'am, I'm Full

Pinkie Pie bounced down the street, smiling and waving to each and every single one of her friends. Life could be hard having so many friends sometimes, especially those sometimes when she had something really exciting to tell one particular friend and she rushed to go see that one particular friend, but she still had to stop and smile and wave to all of her other friends on the way there. Yes, life could be hard having so many friends.

Eventually, she bounced her way up to Carousel Boutique’s door. She threw herself inside along with a cloud of confetti and shouted, “Rarity!”

“Yes, Pinkie?” Rarity said, standing behind the counter and looking down at a magazine.

Pinkie noticed a big mess of clothes on the floor. She had never seen a mess in Carousel Boutique before. Rarity hated messes. It must have been a new selling technique. Pinkie made a mental note to throw all the cupcakes, muffins, cakes, donuts, and Sugarcube Corner’s other assorted confectioneries on the floor when she got back. She also noticed a lot of suspiciously fudge-esque stains on Rarity's muzzle and chest. Pinkie made another mental note to make a new batch of fudge. And then throw that on the floor, too.

“You’re never going to believe this!” Pinkie cried, bouncing through the mess.

“I very seriously doubt that,” Rarity replied, not looking up from her magazine.

“Well, doubt this!’ Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. “I’m going on a date!”

A blue glow surrounded Pinkie, and she immediately felt herself lift off the floor. The door behind her opened, and she flew backwards through the open doorway and hit the dirt outside. The door slammed shut and locked behind her.

Pinkie lay on the ground for a while, wondering what had just happened. She shrugged and bounced back onto her hooves, and then down the street.

“Hey, Twilight!”

a

Author's Notes:

Thanks to Silvernis and Grenader for proofreading. And thank you for reading all the way to the end. I don't know how you did it.

This fic began with a simple question: Why aren't there more stories about Rainbow Dash having sex with herself on this site? I believe we should all now know the answer.