> Integrals
>  by Mozzarella
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Here we go again
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What? You think it's a sex joke or something?"


Integrals



***


The sun had not yet risen above the little town of Ponyville. Roosters waited anxiously for their only task of the day while most of the residents lay asleep in their beds. However, if one were to be up and about, one might see a group of four trotting quietly toward the giant tree dubbed the Golden Oaks Library.

One of the pack reached out an orange hoof to slowly open the door. Up until this point, they had all succeeded in keeping quiet. 

"Really, Applejack? Don't you think a knock would be nice?" came the voice of a unicorn behind her. 

Applejack sighed and responded in a whisper. "Why would ah' knock? 's a public library. 'sides, weren't we tryin' to be quiet?"

"Yeah!" squeaked a pink earth pony. "You told me not to talk!" 

"Not helpin', Pinkie."

The unicorn huffed. "Well excuse me for trying to be courteous to Twilight at such an early hour. She is doing us a favor, after all."

"Don't call it a favor, Rarity. Yer makin' it sound like we're usin' 'em for work."

"I beg your pardon. That wasn't what I meant. I wouldn't dream of it. What I meant was that Twilight has made a concession for us so we should at least try to accommodate her."

"That's nice of you," said a voice behind the only slightly open door. "But could you all just come inside. We don't want anypony seeing, remember?"

Clad in sheepish smiles, the four marched inside.

It was about as dark as one would expect before daybreak. Only a few flickering candles scattered about provided any light. But what they lit was somewhat odd. Drawn out on the open floor of the library were a number of odd characters and symbols surrounding two large circles. 

Off to the side was an industrial sized box of chalk that would make any schoolteacher drool. 

"Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed leaning down to examine the drawings. "I didn't know you liked abstracts, Twilight! It looks just as good as a Pigasso!" 

"It's not art," the purple unicorn explained. She then frowned. "But, thank you?"

"No problem."

"Anyway. These are the runes that will make casting this spell a bit easier and safer. Or, it's most of them. I tried to get a little sleep before I got started and time got away from me."

A different pink-maned pony froze while her friend spoke. "S-safer? Is it not safe already?"

"Don't worry Fluttershy. It's mostly for me. Without the catalysts, I just might get exhausted too quickly. You've got nothing to worry about." 

"Oh," she replied, visibly relaxed. "Well is there anything we can help you with in the mean time?"

Twilight shrugged. "No. Just figure out exactly what you're going to do when they're here. Because I have no idea. I mean, really. They're going to appear out of nowhere and ask us 'Now what?' and I'll have nothing to say. For the hay of it? For research?" She saw the concern in her friends' eyes and reeled in her complaints. "Sorry. I'm just a little worried is all."

Rarity rolled her eyes at the pessimism. "You'll think of something, dear. And we'll all be here to help."

For once, the librarian decided not to contest the hopeful remark. It's not like she didn't have faith in them or anything like that. 

Yeah. Sure. 


...


Think for a moment. Where is one most relaxed? Most at peace with the world? Most content to do nothing? When could one turn down the lure of a new day in favor of adopting the daily activities of a sweet potato? 

The answer is "in one's grave" of course. However, "in bed on a lazy weekend" is a close second. 

The alarm clock knew better than to sound on a Sunday which left its clients to their own devices in terms of waking up. The drapes, however, were not as wise. Light crept up the sleeping form of Rainbow Dash, slowly seeping through her eyelids to remind her that the sun did indeed rise today. 

She grunted and buried her face, but the damage was done. Further sleep now beyond her reach, she moved the hooves that bound her and sat up. 

It was early by her standards. Well before noon. This always happened whenever she had an actual reason to sleep in. Something would stir her and then boredom would ultimately drag her out to face the day. 

Well, it was difficult to be too bored with her new roommate hanging around. 

Roommates? Is that what we are? We should really smooth this out some day.

Said roommate soon felt the same light that woke his double assault his eyes, coming to with a groan. 

"Rngh," he growled. "Five more minutes, mom..."

The mare laughed at her groggy clone. "No use, Blitz. You're up for good now."

"I was just remembering something too."

Dash looked down at the stallion rubbing his eyes. "You're still doing that?"

"Apparently. Who's Zecora?"

"Zebra. Makes potions. Lives in the forest. Probably has speech issues."

"That would explain the stupid rhymes," he said as he grabbed her around her barrel and brought his muzzle to her neck. "Morning, by the way."

Dash hummed at the touch and suddenly wondered why they were no longer tangled under the blankets. However, there was business to take care of before any more of that could happen. 

"Morning to you too. Did you remember anything else? A book, maybe?"

He frowned and searched his memory. "I don't think so. And why a book? You mean that Dancing Shoe thing you were talking about?"

"Daring Do," Dash corrected angrily.

"Whatever."

"No whatevers!" she exclaimed as she leaped from the bed. "It's awesome! Now get up. We're going to the library."

"Fine," he droned. "But this better be the best book ever."

Dash just shook her head, smiling.

"If only you knew."


...


Shockingly enough, when given no other diversion than literature for an extended period of time, ponies will in fact resort to reading. For fun. Could you imagine?

About ten minutes of watching Twilight draw intricate circles went by before one of the others picked up a book. Rarity, of course, took to browsing the library's admittedly scarce romance section. Only appropriate materials are set on public display and those authors know little about silly concepts like "subtlety", "restraint", or "shame". But, the fashionista was nothing if not imaginative, making filling in the blanks all too easy. 

Applejack found herself one of the few books she read regularly and sat down to study. Some ponies, pegasi specifically, found the Farmers Almanac silly given that weather was controlled by a relatively organized staff. Earth ponies like Applejack, however, were all too familiar with the weather team's shortcomings. So a group of researchers observed activity in airborne cities like Cloudsdale and found a pattern in their failures. Thus, the somewhat random mishaps at most weather factories could be predicted with reasonable accuracy for the good of Equestria's food supply. 

"Huh. Says here we're gettin' a freak snowstorm sometime soon. Now how the hay do they figure that?"

"Dunno!" replied Pinkie from, what else, a coloring book. "Maybe the royal guards will need to use it to catch some rebels!"

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Sure they will, sugarcube."

Fluttershy frowned and closed her cookbook. "I hope they don't. The animals wouldn't be prepared for it. The poor critters could freeze!"

"Don't worry, Fluttershy," came the somewhat weary voice of the resident magician. "Celestia hasn't used a tactic like that in hundreds of years. No one is going to freeze."

The pegasus's shoulders sank as she released a worried breath. "Okay. Are you finished?" 

"Yep!" she said enthusiastically. "You know, I'm actually kind of excited to try the spell on this sort of scale. It'll be the first time anypony has done anything like it!"

"And you're right in the middle of it, Twilight!" her fellow unicorn declared, her novel now tossed aside. "I daresay you'll find your way into another chapter in the history books."

Twilight chewed her lip nervously. "About that. Listen, I would rather keep the fact that we're doing this a secret, okay? I just- I don't know how Celestia would react to me doing this, you know?"

Applejack leaned forward to inspect the runes. "An' how are we s'posed to explain the stallions that look jus' like us?"

"Just say they're from out of town. I'm sure you could play off the resemblance as a coincidence. Nopony should pry that much."

Pinkie Pie jumped up and gathered her friends around her. "No problemo, Twilight! The secret is safe with us! Now gather round for a five-way Pinkie promise!"

They all reluctantly went through the unofficial but still very binding agreement, careful to shut their eyes upon the last gesture. 

Twilight nodded, happy to see that her wish was being upheld by one of the strongest contracts she knew of. "Okay, girls. Step into the circle. No, the other one. And Applejack, are you going to keep the hat on?"

"Sure. Why wouldn't I?"

"I just need to know so it doesn't get merged with your organs."

On that reassuring thought, the five stepped into the correct chalk circle, allowing Twilight some space in the center.

Magenta magic flowed from her horn, tracing through the lines on the floor. The air around them grew hot and tense as small sparks formed briefly on their bodies right before hopping off and traveling along the runes. 

The active unicorn's legs shook from the tremendous effort. Sweat beaded on her face as she tried to keep the quivering light on her horn from going out. 

Soon, the runes around their circle pulsed with a white light, fading along a line that led to the other circle. 

Alright. No turning back now. Here we go.

Twilight's horn grew brighter and brighter as one last burst of magic built up. 

"Ready girls?" she asked through gritted teeth. 

"Of course!"

"Darn tootin'."

"Okay..."

"Weeeeeeee!"

With a final push, the runes around them pulsed once more before all of the light drained into the unlit ring. A low buzz filled the air right before the shock wave knocked everypony involved right on their rumps. 


...


"Why don't you trust me on this, dude? You're me. I know me."

"'Cause it's a book! Eggheads read books for fun."

"You calling me an egghead?" 

"Not yet I'm not. I'll take a look and then decide if you're an egghead."

The colorful pegasi approached the huge tree from the air, landing several meters before the front door.

"You're gonna eat those words," she promised, flicking him with a wing. "And I'm gonna rub it in your face so hard."

The stallion stopped in his tracks and started cracking up. Dash turned to him and raised an eyebrow. 

"Dude, what's so funny?"

He had to shake off a few giggles before he could answer. "I dunno. Just something about the way you said that."

"What? You think it's a sex joke or something?"

"Kind of," Blitz said, cracking a grin between laughs. 

"What part of what I said was a sex joke?"

"Eat. Rub. Face. Hard."

Dash shook her head, frowning. "You're an idiot." However, as she turned to continue towards the library, she hung her head while letting out a few low snickers.

"See? It's funny!"

"It's not funny!" she shot back, laughing harder. "It's stupid!"

Yet Dash still fell down on her clone, joining him in a nice fit of immature, foalish laughter that would disappoint anypony outside of junior high school. Ponies were staring. 

Blitz panted, smacking a hoof on the ground. "I- I can't breathe!"

"F-freakin' pain in my ass!"

"You love it!"

"Alright! Alright." Dash calmed herself. "Enough of that. Come on. You have to read Dancing Shoe."

The stallion got up sluggishly, still out of breath from the nonexistent joke. "I thought it was Daring Do."

"Dammit Blitz! Now you made me do it!"

"Don't pin this on-"

Their argument was cut short by a massive sound and an explosion of white light from the tree house's windows. Instincts took over as they grabbed each other and hit the deck. Their heads jerked toward the noise in time to see the entire library actually jump a few centimeters. 

Maybe it was a short ranged blast. Maybe nopony was paying attention to the gigantic tree attempt to take off. Either way, nopony aside from our colorful pegasi cared to check what had happened. A far cry from the rabbit fearing bunch that lived in Ponyville before the arrival of Twilight Sparkle. Nopony had the time to fret over every catastrophe that mare was going through.

Rainbow Dash and her clone were no exception, of course. Dash's already steel nerves could have only grown stronger given her circle of friends. But, the body has a curious way of bypassing steel nerves when dealing with explosions. Something to do with being blown to giblets or whatever. 

They eventually came to their senses and pushed to their respective hooves. Dash looked on with wide eyes while Blitz felt around his ear to make sure it was still there.

"Uh, should we go check on that or something?" the stallion suggested, turning to the mare. "Dash? Equestria to Dash. You in there?"

"Dude," was all she managed to say, still transfixed on the library's door. 

"What? What is it?"

"I've seen that light before."

"Okay," he said, still with a hint of uncertainty. "And when was that?"

Dash didn't answer him. Her dropped jaw slowly morphed into her trademark grin. She gestured for him to follow as she approached the door.


...

> Free at Last
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I claimed I was more considerable in size than he."


Integrals



***


"Where is she now, sir?"

"It's Sunday morning, private. She's in the garden."

"Right," he said with a scowl. "Sunday."

Upon further inspection, the princess was indeed out on her walk by the hedge maze. With her billowing mane and relatively massive stature, it was a testament to this guard's eyesight that he could not see for himself. 

It also said a great deal about the Royal Guard that this lack of attention was allowed in its ranks. 

"Sir, may I ask what she does on these walks?"

"She's a princess, private. She's got a lot on her mind after thousands of years. She's thinking."

"But what about?"

The guard's superior simply sighed and turned to continue his rounds. "Ours not to reason why, son. Just keep an eye on her."

"Will do- er- sir, yes, sir."

The slip went unnoticed to the relief of the guard's ears and knees. It really only takes one lap around the base of the Canterlot mountains to keep a soldier in line, but they usually assign three anyway. They also yell. 

"The ponies in this place need to relax with the serious crap," he muttered to himself. "Like they all have to have this dark past that they have to hide from- Celestia?"

The absence of the alicorn cut his soliloquy short, which was likely just a side effect of his blood turning to ice.

"Dammit! She's huge, white, and glowing! How does she disappear like that?!"

He spat out a few more curses as he took to the air.


...


You have got to stop doing this, Celestia. You're just torturing yourself.

The regal figure turned the corner around her hedges, walking with more confidence than she really possessed at the moment. Her sun was where it needed to be, unobstructed by any clouds. However, it sort of lost its warming charm when you were the one controlling it. 

Every week, you do this. And every week, nothing changes.

On her left approached the main attraction of the royal garden, a series of statues and sculptures dubbed The Stone Mythos. Cheesy, yes, but artists can only be so creative. The naming guy was sick and busy trying to name his sickness, so the task fell on the sculptors. 

You saw how he acted recently. If all those years haven't saved him, nothing will.

Despite the warnings of her better judgement, she pushed on. She passed the wyvern, the satyr, and the Atlantian until the strangest of the creatures loomed overhead. 

I know it's hopeless, she told herself. But I can't give up on him.

The memories of their most recent encounter played through her head. The turmoil and conflict that befell all of her subjects, while certainly awful, was simply background noise compared to those few words they shared. That one phrase in particular still strained her jaded nerves. 

"Did you miss me Celestia? I missed you."

The princess shuddered. Those words still echoed in her ears as clear as they did that day and with no less pain. Indeed, this was a wound made worse by time's otherwise healing hands. 

You had to. There was no other way.

Was there? There must have been some way to predict the effects of the attack. To control them. Although, that must be why they call it a last resort. The delicate cut of a surgeon's scalpel would do little to a solid stone wall. 

Stone...

The voice of reason always faded up close. It became real when it was within reach. More so recently given his new posture. 

Whatever was behind those eyes was afraid. It didn't matter if it wasn't him. They were still his eyes. And he must be in there somewhere.

That's why I keep doing this. I can't abandon him if he's still in there. I have to try.

She stood before the statue, taking it all in again. His paw and talon stretched outward to protect himself from the danger those eyes still saw. He wasn't confident. He wasn't laughing or toying with prey. He was resigned.

Her magic was slow to come to her and far less vibrant than what is expected from the master of the sun. A dull yellow aura extended from her horn to the statue's, eventually enveloping his whole head. 

I wonder what it will be this time. Fire? Destruction? Screaming? Maybe just plain darkness. That thing doesn't have the imagination to deserve him.

Closing her eyes, Celestia allowed the magic to seep into the stone and prepared for a vision of pure hate and suffering to fill her mind. It was unpleasant, sure, but it could never do more than send a shiver down her spine. Impotence plagued even the strongest beings when trapped in stone. 

But she saw nothing. Odd, but not unheard of. She'd been tricked into expanding her senses before with disappointing and shocking results. She would have to take the bait, however. After all, there was always a chance. 

What is it planning?

Not much considering the slowly appearing image. A blurry sunrise above a barren valley graced her mind. No monsters or seas of blood could be seen. 

But the sun's movements are erratic. That hasn't happened since...

The image panned to the side until a small filly came into view. She panted heavily as she fell onto her haunches. But she wore the smile of a pony who had just accomplished something great.

"I did it!" squeaked the filly as she hopped into Celestia's view. Two mismatched arms extended from below her view, wrapping as far around the filly as they could go. 

Then he laughed. His laugh.

None of the entity's tricks could have shocked her more than that sound. Celestia gasped and staggered backwards, shaking the vision from her eyes. 

"That's him!" she whispered. She snapped her head around, half to search for help and half to be sure nopony was watching. 

It's him! I need to get him out! How do I get him out?! 

The Elements were the obvious answer as well as the safest, but they were useless to Celestia alone. She would need to write to Twilight and ready a carriage. 

But he's back! I can't leave him in there if he's back in control!

She could try the antipetrification spell for cockatrice victims, but this was an entirely different type of affliction. To overcome the Elements' influence, it would need an immense amount of power. 

If only somepony with a ton of power and a momentary lapse in judgement were around. If only. 

A pillar of fire erupted from the castle garden, dispatching all nearby clouds and literally scaring the excrement out of a flock of passing birds. A small rise in temperature was recorded as far as Ponyville. A larger rise in temperature singed the eyebrows off of the guard overhead. He promptly stopped his flight, dropped to the ground, and rolled like there was no tomorrow. 

The momentary blinding light gave Celestia enough time to reel herself in. Her heart returned to a normal pace, her face hid all traces of emotion aside from the calm certainty of a princess, and she examined the products of her sudden labor. 

The creature was sprawled on the ground, his long body coiling over itself around the scorched pedestal. The princess held her breath until she saw a segment of his torso expand and contract. So that's where his lungs were. It took all of her effort to not rush to him and tend to whatever wounds he may have had. That would not look good to the guards that were sure to arrive shortly. 

And neither would the black sludge inching ever so slowly to the meager protection of the surrounding hedges. Anger the likes of which Celestia had not felt for centuries welled up inside her at the sight of it. 

"You," she growled, voice shaking from righteous fury. 

The blob offered nothing in response aside from stopping its retreat. 

Somepony was approaching. Likely that new guard that was tasked with watching her. This would have to end quickly. 

"I've looked forward to this moment for so long. I've thought of all the things that I would say to you when I saw you again."

The blob pulsated. Had it not been alight with hatred, Celestia's skin might have crawled.

"But all those things escape me now," she said as she raised her hoof over the slime. "It's for the best, though. Equestria is worse off with each passing second of your miserable life. Now begone!" 

All of her considerable weight and an upward flap of her wide wings propelled her manicured right hoof into the ground. The sound of her shattering royal shoe mingled with the entity's unnatural scream as it writhed under her. She twisted and ground her hoof, clenching her teeth with almost as much pressure. 

Then, a blood red light sparked to life on her horn. The now bare royal hoof grew hotter. And hotter. Noxious black smoke floated up from the squirming mass, its wailing becoming fainter and higher pitched.

It was about thirty seconds after the grass caught fire that Celestia finally withdrew her leg. Where there once was a black ball of hate and evil, there was now a black scorch mark of hate and evil. Also fire. The fire was probably more important. 

"Your highness!" yelled the singed guard as he crashed clumsily into the ground next to her. "What happened?! Are you alright?!" To his credit, he did manage to pick himself up rather quickly. 

The princess quickly turned away from the guard to wipe her blackened hoof on her chest. "Just fine, private. And I'll explain everything later."

The garden was on fire, there was a lord of chaos lying unconscious on the ground, and Celestia's coat appeared to be smeared with ash. It's safe to say that the guard was a tad disappointed that his questions would go unanswered. 

With a slight wave of her horn, the princess summoned a gust of wind to extinguish the burning foliage. "Now, I want you to go find some help and bring Discord to my quarters."

"I'm not sure if- I mean yes, your majesty."

"Thank you," she said, smiling. As she began to walk toward the castle, she turned back and spoke without her regal tone. "Oh, could you also see if I have any spare shoes?"

Private noname only nodded with wide eyes and a furrowed brow. 

"'Ours not to reason why' my ass," he muttered. 


...


Loud steps echoed through the halls. Well, they seemed loud in the silence. Perhaps it was just that they were distinct. These particular hoofsteps have taught every resident of Canterlot to straighten his or her posture and turn back their vocabulary a few hundred years. This was for those who could still hear, of course. 

"If they insist upon using their psychotropic substances, they could at least have the decency to do so outside of the palace."

Some said the halls were boring. That they lacked the color and culture one found in the castle's more public areas. The cool blues and purples along the wall bordered on chrome. This did serve a purpose, however. Without distractions like interesting paintings or plants, it was very difficult for an intruder to hide. On the other hoof, it took several months for anypony to learn how to navigate the blasted establishment. 

"Celestia would not do such a thing so long as her head remains firmly attached to her body."

Princess Luna marched onward to the grandest double doors in Equestria. The arched frame reached far above even the tallest heads in the castle. In truth, there was no practical reason to make doors that big. It was more of an excuse to provide a canvas for some of Canterlot's more eager artists. If the walls were off limits, then Celestia's bedroom door could at least do with some color. 

"Sister!" shouted Luna as she knocked. "We are hearing absurd rumors among the subjects. Do tell me that you have not done what they have said."

There was a pause before Celestia's relatively carefree voice answered her. "I would need to know what those rumors entail first, Luna."

"Very well, but could we come in? We would prefer not to spread these silly thoughts further. These servants seem to hear everything I say no matter their location."

For the record, the average hearing of the castle's staff is almost exactly average. There must be some other factor carrying the younger princess's voice across the vast estate. One can only wonder. 

"If you must. Just, promise me you won't yell."

Luna frowned and pushed through the door. "We swear, but for what reason would we resort to raising our v-"

She immediately stopped moving her mouth upon seeing what was taking up Celestia's bed and some of the floor at its foot. The bed's owner stood beside it, her crown and jewelry cast aside and a sheepish smile on her face. 

"Remember," the older sister said, shaking her hoof at the princess of the night. "You promised."

She did promise, which was a shame. A few choice phrases needed to be shouted right now. One's like "What the hell were you thinking!?" or "Have at you, foul beast!". 

But, with her own honor binding her, Luna took a deep calming breath and set those words aside. Perhaps her sister hadn't gone completely mad. 

She shut the door with a light kick and approached the bed, scowling the way only a princess of the night could. 

"Celestia," she said through gritted teeth. "Why have you released Discord?"

"I assure you, I have a perfectly good reason. You see, I was in the garden when-" 

It was at this unfortunate moment that the creature in the bed decided to come to life, his maw stretching wide to reveal sharp, crooked teeth and his clawed paw reaching outward toward the white alicorn's exposed neck. 

"It stirs!" Luna shouted, jumping back and crouching low to the ground. Her voice grew deeper as her eyes grew white. "Have you charmed our sister with your foul magic?!"

Dark clouds somehow formed in the royal bedroom. They spat out small thunderbolts as a slight whirlwind whipped them about the room. Luna rose into the air with her forelegs and wings stretched outward as if conducting the destructive symphony she was wielding. 

"You will release your hold, you fiend! Lest we smite thee where you lie! You will pray for your worst nightmares from your new prison, but mercy will escape you in our realm!"

Celestia grunted as her important papers were strewn about the room. "Luna! Stop this at once! He is yawning!"

"We care not for his mannerisms! He must be destroyed!"

"But it has left him, Luna! Discord, the real Discord, is back!"

The light shining from her eye sockets went out like a candle in a hurricane as the battle ready alicorn fell ungracefully to the floor. She still wore her frown, but it was one of confusion as opposed to murderous intent. 

"A- are you certain?" she asked, dispelling the inclement weather. She walked back to him and peered over his still sleeping form. How he managed to sleep through all that, nopony would ever know. 

"See for yourself."

Luna didn't need any direct magical contact to see into the mind of a sleeping creature. Not only were dreams as plain to her as a pony's coat, but her senses were also rather acute. It was scarcely a moment before her hoof met her mouth to stifle a gasp. 

"It's gone! The Malice! What happened to it? Where has it gone?" Her confused eyes fell onto her big sister. "And what happened to your hoof?

Celestia smiled sheepishly again and examined her still black hoof. "It was on the ground when I freed him. A nasty little thing. I may have overdone it a bit with the fire, though."

"And you didn't think to wash it before bringing him to bed?"

The sun princess's face went flat. She looked at her little sister whose grin and elevated brow indicated that she expected a rise. 

"Please. We are far too old for such juvenile banter. And I did try to wash it off. I must have charred it or something."

Luna rolled her eyes. "The one time we attempt this new-age humor, you cast us off. When will he rise? He would laugh at our jokes."

"I can only imagine what all those years in stone with the Malice could feel like. He'll certainly need some rest."

"Then we shall tell another to wake him." The dark alicorn placed her head over the sleeping conglomerate of about twenty creatures. "A gentlecolt steps into a tavern and inquires as to how he can go about procuring a free beverage!" Her forceful voice pressed Discord's shaggy hair into his pillow, but had no effect on his sleep.

"Luna, please leave him."

She ignored the request and continued. "The proprietor responds 'Very well, sir. There is a dragon out back and you must make him laugh.'"

Celestia sighed and shook her head. 

"He's not even awake yet and we're already going mad."


...


Now that one was just cruel. Making me think she was here. That felt exactly like her magic too.

Normally, the entity would not be so gentle with his trials. Tragic replaying of that fateful day were more his speed. But this? Teasing? This was low.

Haven't you taken enough from me, you heartless, insufferable, pathetic little- no. No. That only makes you stronger, doesn't it?

Oddly enough, nothing answered his thoughts. They had run out of things to say in the first few years. Discord had attempted to start a game or two of twenty questions, but the entity was less than cooperative. Then he suggested chess. In addition to the refusal of his party pooper of a companion, Discord found out rather quickly how hard it was to keep track of all those damned pieces. The mental construct of a board would always end up mentally flipped in mental frustration, mental chess pieces falling all over the mental floor. 

Oh well. I suppose it's over for today. What should we do now?

It didn't answer. Again. And despite the day's torture coming to an end, the sight of the garden did not come back into view. 

You're just full of surprises today, aren't you? Maybe you'll surprise me again. Got any jokes for me?

"...then how did you make the dragon to bawl so?" something answered. Whoever it was, it definitely surprised him. 

What dragon? You know, in my experience, the jokes work better if you start from the beginning. But I'm not complaining. Meanwhile, why is your voice different? Is this part of the joke?

"You see, after he ceased his whooping, I removed my trousers and proved myself!" 

I fear I'm missing some context here. Can we start over?

The voice did not repeat its story. Instead, a throaty feminine laugh could be heard, and felt, from right before Discord's face. 

The laughing stopped abruptly but the voice continued with its barrage. "Discord! You will wake this instant and laugh at our joke!"

"I already told you, I don't get it!" Discord grumbled, his voice hoarse in his dry throat. All of that yelling from whoever that was did a number on both his ears and the stylish hairs on his chinny chin chin. He almost made to conjure a comb. Then he stopped and processed all of that sensory information. 

Or rather, processed that he had sensory information. 

Words cannot describe the speed at which he sat up. The wind he created was just enough to disperse Celestia's paperwork further as well as alert the two other ponies in the room. 

There was a pregnant silence as the two other pairs of eyes fixed onto his. His snapped back and forth between them, perhaps lingering a bit more on the purple ones. And the white coat nearby. And the fiery mark on the lower end of said white coat.

The situation was indeed strange, but the first rule of being the lord of chaos is to roll with the punches. 

"You know," Discord began, his voice still raspy as if his throat had been made of stone for several weeks. "You two are usually in the nurse's uniform at this point in the dream."

The other two faces immediately went flat at that remark. Celestia brought her charred hoof to her head with a smack.

"We are in a position to be sure that such a thing has and never will happen," Luna said, sternness returning. "In thy dreams or otherwise."

"Oh come now, Luna. Were you not just telling me a rather risque joke?"

"Our joke did not place us in bed with the likes of you. Sister, he is annoying us already. Are you certain we cannot place him back in the stone?"

The bickering brought a smile to the elder princess's face. She could almost picture the three of them all those years ago. Normal manes, no more than a meter in height between them, and a vast new world to explore. She would have been sad had these new circumstances not been so happy. 

"I think we can grant him a pardon just this once, Luna. He's been through a lot after all."

"But he makes advances toward us! You of all ponies should be offended!"

Celestia walked slowly to the open side of her bed, her smile now a full on grin. "Give him a moment. He resorts to these jokes when he has nothing intelligent to say."

Discord pouted and folded his mismatched arms. "Hmph. I liked it better when I could fluster you."

"I'm sure. Now before someone gets smacked, can we at least get explanations out of the way?"

"What's there to explain?" the stranger creature asked, finally deciding to conjure that comb. "That thing is gone, I'm back, yadda yadda happily ever after." As he spoke, he ran the comb down his face, the hairs coming out more messy than before. "Oh, and you should probably look out for anypony acting weird, by the way. That thing can be conniving at times."

"I wouldn't worry about that very much. The wind probably took care of the ashes."

The draconequus's jaw dropped. Literally. It fell onto the floor with a disturbing plop. 

"Y-you destroyed it?" he asked after replacing the lower half of his mouth. 

"Along with my hooficure," Celestia stated with disappointment. "But that's beside the point. What we need to discuss is-"

Discord shook his hands and head at the white alicorn, prompting a lapse in whatever she was going to say. 

"No no no no. You can't just say you did something that great and then set it aside! I'm willing to abstain from extravagance regarding my return, but you seriously can't expect me to sit here and be lectured when you have conquered the bane of my existence!"

Luna tilted her head in consideration. "He does have a point, sister."

"Oh?" Celestia glanced between them. "And what would you two have us do?"

Discord erupted from the bed in a cloud of confetti, streamers, and colored smoke. When the dust cleared the complex creature emerged with party hats, noise makers, and a pair of shutter shades anypony with a brain would find stupid. 

"Why, celebrate of course!" He grabbed the white alicorn and pulled her into a very close and one sided Tango, music appearing to flow from his left horn.

Luna rolled her eyes at the display. "We would advise against that, Discord."

"Hush Luna. I'm wooing your sister."

Celestia frowned into her dance partner's gray chin. "Excuse me?"

"We can sing a song and sail along the silver sky," he sang as deep as possible, hovering over her as they twirled. "For we can flyyyy-mmph!" 

And suddenly he was back on the bed with glowing yellow shackles pinning his arms to the sheets. He shot the white alicorn a glare, mostly for the interruption of his song. 

Celestia straightened her mane and set about putting on her shoes. "We'll have to work on that if you want to fit in around here."

"Ugh," Discord spat. "There's a phrase. Fitting in." He stuck out his tongue like he just ate a particularly rotten fruit. 

Actually, that was a poor comparison. Discord had quite an affinity for rotten fruit. Suffice to say the face was disgusted. 

"Regardless, there is a time and place for spontaneity. You have a very bad reputation to overcome and a little self control might help."

Luna's grin returned and she tiptoed (tiphooved?) to the door. "Not to mention, Celestia has a control fetish."

"Luna!" 

The princess of the night fled from the room in a fit of giggles, skillfully evading the ensuing chaos. 

"Can you believe her?" the remaining alicorn asked, her mouth agape. "I didn't know getting caught up with the culture would give her such a raunchy sense of humor. As if everything is about sex nowadays." 

"I don't know," Discord said pensively, examining his bindings. "That would explain the magical bondage gear."

Celestia dropped the handcuff spell and turned away in a huff. "I don't know why I bothered with you," she muttered.

"Neither do I," he answered. His head slithered up next to hers, part of his long torso resting on her back. He ran a talon gently down her neck. "And yet, here we are."

The alicorn gave a satisfied groan, closing her eyes to relish the feeling. It had been far too long since they'd shared a moment like this. Since she'd had a moment of intimacy with anypony, really. 

"You know," he began, still dragging his claw expertly over her fur. "I meant what I said back then, even if I wasn't behind the reigns, so to speak."

"Hm?" Celestia replied, a bit too caught up in the massage to listen. Hooves were great and all, but those little fingers did wonders for her tense tendons. Maybe some griffons would need to be hired onto the royal staff. 

"I really have missed you."

The princess sighed and leaned her head on his, content to stand there while he worked further toward her back. 

"I've missed you too," she breathed back after an appropriate indulgence in his ministrations. 

He didn't continue to speak. He simply brought the rest of his body over to her and wrapped himself once around her barrel. It didn't take a genius to tell what he was up to, nor did it take the nuzzle to the neck.

While more indulgence would have felt lovely right about then, there were some important issues to take care of. Namely the fact that Discord was still an insane mythical anarchist in the eyes of the rest of Equestria. 

"Nnnh. Discord. Not just yet."

The draconequus frowned and stretched his neck out so he was facing her. "Can't you stop working for a second? I mean, it's been how many years?"

Celestia smirked. It was good to be the teaser for once. "I know, I know. I'm eager to catch up as well. However, as I recall, you caused quite a few problems for quite a few ponies in a town called Ponyville last time you visited."

"You can't be serious. Is this really urgent?"

"I'm afraid so. You, or the Malice inside you rather, put my student through a great deal of trauma back then."

"And she still put me in the ground," Discord muttered.

"Nevertheless, you owe them all an apology. Or at least an explanation."

The beast untangled himself from his elusive prize, lacking his usual cheer. 

"This is going to be so uncomfortable..."

"Please, Discord?" Celestia mockingly pleaded. "I would be very grateful."

He furrowed his brow at that regal face that still managed to play on his emotions. After a short and one sided battle of wills, his shoulders sagged forward. 

Discord let out a breath. "Dammit."

"Thank you Discord. You're doing the right thing." 

"Yeah yeah. Just a big old ball of goodwill over here." He turned around and began to gather his magic for a teleportation spell. Then he turned and wagged a finger at the princess. 

"But remember this, my dear. When I get back, we're going out on the town. And I'm not taking no for an answer." 

Celestia shrugged and walked toward her bedroom door. "I'll check my schedule."

An irritated draconequus disappeared from the room in a puff of gray smoke, perhaps putting more force into the shock wave than was necessary. 

The princess nearly left, but her neurotic side took over and dragged her attention back to the messy room. 

"Such a child," she muttered, noting the disheveled bed, crumpled documents, and black mark on the floor. Despite her displeasure, a smile still crept onto her face. 

She had cleaned half of her room before stopping and considering the guest she just sent to her student unannounced.

"Oh dear. I hope Twilight isn't busy. Her day is about to get a bit complicated."

Complicated. Yeah. That's a good word. 


...

> Some 'splainin' to do
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Really though. He's a dick."


Integrals



***


For once in her life, Rainbow Dash chose to take it slow. 

Slamming the door open, while effective, would have brought all the attention to her. That was not the goal here. What she wanted to see was her friends acting in supposed privacy. And if she was correct in her suspicions, that sight would be very entertaining indeed. 

Through the widening crack in the doorway she saw her friends in a heap, slowly rising while rubbing their eyes. They stood in some sort of intricate chalk pattern on the floor which rapidly smudged under their hooves. The chalk lines continued across the room. 

The door opened further, revealing more and more chalk until a familiar heap came into view. Had she not put two and two together before, the sight would have been confusing. 

"No way," Dash muttered in disbelief, careful to keep quiet and maintain her stealth. "Dude! Check it out."

Her clone craned his neck to see above the mare, following the same path she had moments earlier. His face transitioned from concern to amusement rather quickly. 

"Did they just do what I think they just did?" he asked.

"I think they just did what you think they did," Dash answered.

"What do you think they were thinking?"

"I don't know what to think." She backed herself and the stallion away from the door to regroup. Regrouping, of course, entailed collapsing back onto the ground in suppressed laughter. "This is too good!" she exclaimed

"I know! Did they just, like, up and decide to do that today?"

"How should I know? I've been with you since you got here." Dash checked the crack in the doorway once more and returned. "Sh-should we, like, go in and talk to them or something?"

Blitz frowned. "Not sure. I mean, if they're anything like I was, they'll want to sleep right now."

"Not them. I meant the girls."

He considered his options briefly before he shrugged and gave a grin. "We could screw with them?" he offered. 

Dash smiled back. "Blitz, have I ever told you I like the way you think?"

Mischief sparked in their respective eyes as they turned toward the door.


...


"Rarity!" complained a winded unicorn. "You didn't say it would hurt!"

"It didn't when I did it. Or, I don't believe it did."

Rarity rolled onto her stomach and set about massaging her aching head. Now that she thought about it, there was some pain on that day. That pain just so happened to occur simultaneously with a pony crashing into her. 

She was suddenly very jealous of the unconscious ponies across the room.

"Is Spike in today? I may need some of that medicine he made."

"You can abuse drugs later," Twilight responded irritably, forcing herself up. "Right now we need to figure out what we're doing with them."

"Whaddya mean 'what we're doin' with 'em'?" drawled the earth pony behind them, already on her hooves and looking no worse for wear. "We tell 'em what's what and let 'em decide what they do."

"Er. You want to tell them everything?"

Applejack raised a confused eyebrow. "Uh, yeah? D' you not?"

The librarian shifted uncomfortably, eyeing the pile of ponies she had yet to thoroughly examine. For all she knew, they might not have been breathing. 

Before she could ruin her point with silence, Twilight was pushed aside by a manicured hoof. 

"What Twilight means to say is, we don't want them getting the wrong idea about all of this. If we just give a plausible reason for their -um- being here, then we may avoid some awkward conversations. Do you catch my meaning, Applejack?"

This time, her eyebrow was cynical. "'Course ah' do. Yer sayin' ya want to lie to 'em."

Rarity scoffed. "Well you're hardly in a position to tell me what my personal motives are. I have my reasons."

"Well ah'm tellin' mine the truth."

"'Yours?" 

Applejack rolled her eyes. "The one of me. There ain't no good way to say that without soundin' like mah great grandpappy." She shuddered. "We still got his whip in the attic."

Nopony really knew what to make of that bit of a history lesson they just received. However, the lull in conversation did give them all an idea of just how loud they were talking.

"Um, if none of you mind me asking," interjected a soft voice. "Maybe we could be a little bit quieter? They are trying to sleep after all."

Rarity chuckled softly. "You know, I forgot that part. Blitz was a tad grumpy when he woke up. Some quiet might help all of us."

They all nodded in agreement. There was just one thing wrong about the situation. With the word "quiet" being thrown around so much, they realized the silence of the greatest source of noise among them. 

Pay attention to the dogs that don't bark, said Twilight's literature professor from the steel trap that was her mind. 

Or more aptly, she added. The party ponies that don't yell.

Sure enough, Pinkie Pie was not in the chalk circle nursing a headache or arguing about morals. She was, however, in the other circle with a very large pair of cymbals. 

A magical aura enveloped her body right before the brass discs could give everyone a headache, halting all of her movements and dragging her rigid body back to the conscious side of the room. The cymbals tumbled into Twilight's other magical hand which gently placed them on the floor. 

"Pinkie!" Twilight whispered loudly, dropping her friend from her magical grasp in a much rougher fashion. "You almost woke them up!"

She laughed gave the unicorn a look. "Of course I almost woke them up! They're no fun when they're sleeping."

Twilight made to reply, but found herself surprisingly short of breath for such a small spell. The shortness of breath was followed by a dull throb around the horn area. The hoof that met her face in response to somepony's silliness also served to massage her apparently exhausted magic muscle. 

"Forget fun right now. Let's just quietly figure all this out while we let them wake up, okay?"

Pinkie didn't get a chance to voice any disagreements about "forgetting fun", the worst of the Seven Deadly Party Fouls. The door slammed open too quickly for any of that. Now was that time for that big entrance. The shock and awe. The pomp and ceremony. Mostly pomp, though. 

"What have we got here, Dash?" asked a colorful stallion as he trotted into the library like he owned the place. 

A matching mare was close behind him. "Well, Blitz, I'd say we've just caught our friends just before getting to know themselves a bit more."

"We sure have, Dash. But they seem to have forgotten something." 

"What's that, Blitz?"

"Well, Dash, they have definitely been impressed by my impact here in Ponyville. Right?"

"I think that's pretty safe to say. Making more of me couldn't be anything but awesome. You think they wanted a little bit of that awesome we've been making?"

"Mhm. But that's what they forgot." He approached the group of still silent mares, grinning a smug grin and making sure to make eye contact with each wide-eyed pony before him. "You see, the awesomeness of the clone is decided by the awesomeness of the original."

That sounded a great deal like a scientific conclusion. A flawed conclusion, but a conclusion nonetheless. Thus, Twilight was the first to break out of the stupor of being caught. Which was fortunate. She wouldn't have been able to appreciate Dash's condescending pat on the back otherwise. 

"It's okay, Twi. I'm sure your clone'll be cool too. We just don't want you to get your hopes up is all."

That was the sting. Pinkie broke into laughter, Applejack gave a chuckle, and Fluttershy and Rarity smiled at their pompous friends. 

Twilight, on the other hoof, shook her head with a sneer. 

"I don't get it." 

"Get what?" Dash asked, foreleg still draped over the unicorn's back.

Twilight, shook it off, storming forward. "This! All of this! I don't get how you're all so nonchalant about this! We just made ponies for the-"

Pinkie Pie's shushing interrupted the unicorn's outburst, as well as the copious slobber that accompanied it. 

"No yelling!" she whispered at the top of her lungs. "They're sleeping!"

Rarity sighed. "And here I was thinking we made some progress. Settle down, Twilight. No point in getting riled up." 

"I'm not riled up," Twilight shot back. "I've just been racking my brain about how to explain all of this to you two and then you come in and make jokes?"

"Jeez," Dash said, smiling despite her friend's tone. "Sorry we're being so cool about all of this."

"Yeah. We're okay with it," Blitz added. "Why are you angry?"

"I'm not!" Twilight exclaimed quietly. "Look, can we just get back to what we're doing about them? I say we start with some explanations."

"As do I," Rarity agreed. "Or what they absolutely need to hear, rather."

Applejack chose not to confront the truth issue again. "Well ah think we should at least give 'em somethin' to eat first. 's downright cruel bringin' new ponies into the world and droppin all these stories on 'em without vittles."

"Oh!" Pinkie squeaked, balancing an unlit light bulb on her head. "I'll take mine out to the market and we'll bake for everypony!"

Fluttershy mumbled something along the lines of "Let them rest."

The conversation quickly devolved into an argument of whispers, the "Explanation" side splitting between truth and quasi-truth and the "Food" side debating who would get to do the cooking.

Dash just looked on like her friends were a bunch of babbling idiots. We're all guilty of that at some point, though. Being idiots, I mean. 

"Uh, guys?" she interrupted. "You're all kind of forgetting about our resident clone here. Remember Blitz? The guy that went through this already? The guy that probably knows what you should do?"

The arguing stopped, realization and embarrassment dawning on their faces. 

Blitz pressed his advantage. "Yeah. I was wondering when they were gonna ask my opinion. I really thought you all were smarter than that."

"Hey!" Twilight objected.

"So, why don't you all give us some space so I can bring the guys up to speed, eh?"

"That's-" the librarian began as if she disapproved. "-actually a good plan..."

Every newly cloned pony looked at their host with shock, each thinking their own variant of "She agreed with something?"

"I know. That's why we thought of it." The stallion gave his double a hoof bump before trotting over to the, well, other stallions. 

The mares watched him go with varying opinions of his conduct. Gratefulness for his assistance, however, still prevailed among them. 

"He's so cocky," Twilight remarked with some distaste. 

Her fellow unicorn rolled her eyes. "I can only imagine where he gets it."

"There are two possibilities. Either he got it from Dash, or all stallions are like this."

Rarity grimaced. "I do hope it's not the latter considering our new, eh, surplus of males."

The conversation was becoming rather egghead-ish, the bane of the group's athlete. So she might as well have gotten some information out of it. 

"So I get that you saw us being awesome and all," Rainbow Dash began. "But did that really make you all just want more clones?"

Oh don't get her started again, Dash, Rarity complained inwardly. 

To her surprise, Twilight did not have another nervous breakdown. She just picked up talking when nopony else dared expose a motive. 

"I don't know about them," she said while she gestured to her silent friends. "Or me, for that matter. But, now that they're here, I suppose it's a good chance to conduct research on the cloning spell. Plenty of new live subjects. There could be some practical applications. No need for organ donations if healthy ones can be copied and placed in a patient." 

She smiled and took on a thinking pose, hoof on her chin. 

"Come to think of it, Spike just took up medicine. With him and the clone working with me, we could make real breakthroughs in the field of medicinal magic! Why did I not think of this before!? We could really help ponies!"

"So much for calming the egghead," Dash muttered. 

While Twilight sat dreaming up new found possibilities, Rarity took a moment to release a tense breath. Keeping Twilight level-headed all this time was stressful. But the ball started rolling and it did not seem likely to stop. 

"We all have plans, Rainbow Dash. There is plenty of good we can do in the world with four more hooves each, provided they agree of course." 

The pegasus waved a dismissive hoof. "Psh. They'll help you. Just lay on the puppy dog eyes if they're not willing already. That usually works for you, huh Rares?"

"So what if it does? It is not a crime to use one's charm every now and then. Everyone involved ends up happy in the end." 

Dash chuckled. "Except for that one guy at the Gala. What was his name again? Bruisedbud or something?"

"Blueblood," Rarity growled through her teeth. Memories of that night were already flooding back. The frosting she could deal with. It was the degradation that the detergent couldn't scrub out.

"Yeah, that's him. What a jerk, right? Better hope you don't turn out like him in a stallion's body. That would suck."

Preposterous! There's no way I would resemble that brute, stallion body or otherwise. He and I are polar opposites! He's egotistical  and cowardly and selfish whereas I...I'm... 

There was a hoof waving in front of her face as well as a voice saying her name.

"Equestria to Rarity. Come in. Kshh-" Pinkie spoke through her hooves to muffle her voice like a cheap microphone. 

"Hm?" the unicorn responded absently. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?" 

"Nothing. But your eyes went all-" she craned her head backward as her pupils all but disappeared. "-like you'd seen a roast or something."

"It's 'ghost', sugarcube." 

"Ghosts aren't real, Applejack!"

Rarity tuned back out, comfortable enough with her views regarding ghosts that she didn't need to defend them. Attention returned to her thoughts which seemed to have an affinity for doubt right about then. 

Well, I'm certainly not selfish. she told herself. R-right?

Nopony answered, thankfully. Self-doubt is usually preferable compared to a dissociative disorder. Usually. 

She watched Blitz examine the sleeping stallions near the historical fiction section. One possessed a dashing curled mane to compliment his white coat. However, the blank face beneath it neither confirmed nor denied Rarity's insecurities. 

"Um, Rarity?" inquired a soft voice that gently pulled the unicorn from her thoughts.

She felt Fluttershy nudge her so that they faced away from the others. Not that the quietest pony in Equestria was likely to be overheard. 

"What is it dear?"

"Well, um. You're good with new ponies, right?"

"I like to think so, yes. Why?"

She bit her lip, giving Rarity another glimpse of that natural modeling talent of hers. All she needed were a few cheesy article headlines and they'd have themselves the perfect magazine. Alas, there was no camera inside the library. The media really should get on that.

The yellow pegasus glanced nervously at the new ponies, swapping her lower lip for her hoof between her chattering teeth. "I- I don't think I can do it!"

Despite having spoken as loud as she could, she was still drowned out by the occult discussion. Rarity struggled to hear the squeaking exclamation from point blank. 

"Please try to relax," she cooed. "What has you so nervous all of the sudden?"

"I- I just don't know what I'm going to do! Or what he's going to do! Or what either of us are supposed to do! I can't-"

Rarity grabbed her friend by the shoulders and forced her to make eye contact. To stop her shaking was a task that did justice to the term "herculean". 

"Listen to me, Fluttershy. You are the kindest, most likable pony in this room. Nopony, nopony, could ever have a problem with how you act. So here's what's going to happen. We'll move up our spa day to tomorrow. In the mean time, you do whatever it is you would normally do on a Sunday while helping other you adjust. If you have any problems, which you won't, we can talk about them over a nice hooficure. How does that sound?"

She could feel the pegasus's tense shoulders soften at the proposition. Just as Rarity began to dismount, however, she found her hooves clamped tightly to her sides and her muzzle covered by a silky pink mane. 

"Thank you so much, Rarity! You're such a good friend!"

"Oh go on," she said back, possibly not sarcastically. "I know you would do the same for me."

She may need to, whispered a particularly annoying fragment of the unicorn's mind. 

From behind the fluffy mountain that still held her, Rarity could make out Rainbow Blitz donning a mischievous grin as his wings took him to the air above the other stallions. On his hooves she could see the black straps of Pinkie's cymbals.

Rarity's nimble hooves reached out without a thought to fold Fluttershy's ears inward and it was all that kept her from launching toward the ceiling like a startled kitten. 

As for the yellow stallion across the room, he probably wouldn't need his ears anyway. Or his heart. Or lungs. 

His reaction would be unique among his fellow fresh clones. The others would quickly come to the same conclusion, as would he if he wouldn't find it unkind. 

Blitz is a dick. 
> Meeting and Greeting
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'll be blowing up tonight if you know what I mean."


Integrals



***


It came out as more of a wheeze than a scream, the attempted pitch out of reach even for his relatively high and soft voice. His cowering was less than successful as well. The retreat into his mane would have been more effective had he not been shaking. Or if he had a long enough mane to begin with. 

The other stallions reacted differently, bolting to their hooves with combative postures and still sleeping eyes. Except for the pink one. He calmly rose and looked around as if he'd been subject to a camera flash and not summoned into existence. 

"What the Sam Dill just exploded?" boomed the delirious earth pony under his stetson. If his eyes were all the way open, his stocky  and tall build would have posed quite a threat to whoever woke him up. 

On a side note, remind me to tell you the story of Sam Dill, the infamous cucumber bandit of the Appleoosa badlands. That dude was crazy. 

One of the unicorns shot him a sideways glare. That unicorn had no right sporting such a nice mane, by the way. He had absolutely no time to style it, yet those curls were catching some eyes all over the room.   

"Shouting is not helping, you brute! Neither I nor the quivering one."

"Settle down, both of you!" the other unicorn shouted, his outburst splitting the pink streak of his mane around his horn. "Where are we?"

The calm pink pony glanced around at the arguing stallions and the well stocked shelves. He came to the conclusion that the answer was pretty obvious. 

"It's a library, silly. See all the books?" He grabbed the standing stallions by the neck and pointed their heads around the room. 

Their view shifted upwards without their consent to a cymbal wielding pegasus and his cheeky grin. 

"Sorry," he said as genuinely as possible. "Did I wake you?"

The large earth pony shook out of the pink hooves and glared at what woke them. "Ah didn't quite catch that what with the ringin' in mah ears. Why don't 'cha come down here and say it again."

Blitz rolled his eyes and descended. "Chill, dude. You've got better stuff to do than sleep on the floor."

"Fine. But why were we on the floor? What's goin' on?"

"Alright. Would every stallion please gather round and shut up? I can answer all your questions."

The stallions, minus the shivering pegasus, huddled around Blitz. Some did so begrudgingly.

"This includes you too, Butterhooves. Get in here."

He gave no response aside from a glance from beneath his mane. 

"Ugh," the purple stallion grunted. He summoned his magic and dragged the straggler into the circle by his hair. 

"Thanks. So, let's just start with names. I'm Rainbow Blitz. You all know your names, right?"

"Applejack," the orange pony said. 

"Really? That's gonna be awkward."

"What?"

"Nothing. How 'bout you, Bubblegum? That's not your name, right?"

The pink pony smiled wide. "I'm Berry Blintz! You can call me Berry! Or Blintz! Or BB. Or Berber. Or-"

Blitz gently closed Berry's jaw before he could say anything more ridiculous. "Berry is fine, dude."

"Okay!"

"Who's next?"

The white unicorn stepped forward, chin high and eyes closed. "You can call me Elusive."

"Great. Is there a last name we should know about?"

"My first name is enough."

"Okay? I was just asking what we can call you."

"Elusive is what you can call me," he said plainly. 

Is this guy for real? Blitz thought, restraining his punching hoof. "Fine, whatever. Butterhooves! You're up."

"I-it's Butters-" he murmured before being cut off. 

"No way! Is it really Butterhooves? I'm good at this."

"No. It's B-Butterscotch." 

"Okay, B-Butterscotch. Stand up like a normal pony. We won't bite. Berry might, though."

"I will?" he squeaked. 

"Please don't bite me!" Butterscotch squeaked back, not leaving his spot on the floor.

"I'm not gonna bite you! You don't look like you'd taste good."

"Oh. O-okay then."

The yellow pegasus rose to his shaky hooves. And kept rising. To the stallions' surprises, he was nearly as tall as Applejack. Not quite as imposing, though. The pink mane really killed his chances of being a club bouncer. 

"Awesome," Blitz said, nodding. "We're all acquainted. Our next order of business is-" 

The purple unicorn held up his hoof. "Hold on. You forgot me."

"Fine. Who are you?"

"Dusk Shine. I'm-"

"Perfect. Anypony else?"

Berry raised his hoof and bounced in place. 

"We already got you, Berry."

"Aww."

Blitz decided not to take any more questions and took to the air. "So basically, you," he motioned to the stallions, "are all clones of them." His gaze rose to the six mares watching from the far side of the room. "Got it?" 

The stallions looked back to the mares. The mares that looked exactly like them. The mares that were lined up in the exact same order as they were. There was even the rainbow colored one flying above. 

"Clones?" Applejack asked, eyes contorting in skepticism. 

Blitz nodded. "That's what I said, isn't it?"

"How's that work?"

Dusk brought a thoughtful hoof to his chin. "I suppose it is possible to synthesize a duplicate of an existing object by creating a magical field of equal energy and instructions to mimic surroundings. But for several ponies? That would require a lot of magic or," He trailed off upon seeing the chalk in the ground. "Or those." 

Yeah, that's Twilight's clone alright, Blitz thought.  The egghead doesn't fall far from the tree.

"Could'a jus' said 'magic', pal," Applejack muttered. 

"There's one problem though," Dusk said, pacing. 

Blitz's shoulders sagged. "Please tell us, Professor Dusk," he droned.

"They're girls."

"Yeah?"

"And we're guys." 

"You getting anywhere with this? 'Cuz that sounds like the opposite of a problem."

"If we're clones of them, then how come we seem to be males?"

Blitz gave the unicorn an incredulous smile. "Do I look like a unicorn to you? Ask your original. She made us. Well, you anyway. Rarity made me."

Elusive's ears perked up at the sound of that name. "Rarity?"

"Yeah. The white one over there. Looks like you but with longer hair and a better attitude."

Applejack snickered while Elusive's eyes narrowed.

"Excuse me?" he spat.

Blitz waved dismissively. "Just a sec, dude. You'll meet her soon. We've got a few more things to go over. Now, I know what you're thinking. And the answer is no."

There was a pause as most of the group realized they were not thinking anything. They continued to look at Blitz expectantly.

"You're not going to blow up."

Another pause. Only Berry seemed relieved as he wiped is brow. 

"Why would we blow up?" Dusk asked. "I wasn't worried until you said that."

Blitz ignored him again. "Another thing. You're gonna start having visions where you relive the memories of your originals."

Again, the stallions expected explanation and were disappointed.

"What kind o' visions?" Applejack drawled. 

"What you'd expect. Shadowy replay of something. Oh, and you pass out when this happens. Bad headaches too. So, like, be careful about things that might trigger memories of something or somepony." 

"So we're all jus' gonna be passin' out all the time? No way to stop it?"

"I don't want bad headaches," Butterscotch whispered.

Blitz patted the other pegasus's back. "Don't worry. The passing out stops after you do it enough times. Same for the headaches. But if you don't want to deal with that, you can sort of just pick your own brain while you're sleeping. No headache if you remember while you sleep."

"So, should we go to sleep right now?"

"No time. The girls are waiting."

"G-girls?"


...


"Alright girls. Gather round." 

The mares of the library inched closer to Twilight. Excluding Rainbow Dash, who took to the nearby shelves mumbling "Daring Doo" repeatedly. 

"I just want to make sure we're all clear. Play off questions as to where they came from. Make sure they know this too. Alright?"

They nodded distracted nods, occasionally glancing back to the similar group of stallions. 

"One more thing. You're all familiar with the Attraction, right?"

Rarity nodded again. "Yes dear. I told them all at some point."

"So you know you might start to feel things that are out of your control?" Twilight looked for hesitation in her friends' eyes, but found none. 

Applejack gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry 'bout it, Twi'. We know what we're gettin' into."

"You're all okay with it?"

"Yup-erooni!" Pinkie squeaked.

Twilight sighed. "Then I suppose that's all I can do. I'll leave it up to you what you tell them about it."

Before they could scatter, Fluttershy coughed for their attention. 

"Um, we know about it. But has anypony told Rainbow?"

The aforementioned pegasus drifted over the huddle. "Told me what?"

The mares shared a few uneasy glances.

"Uh, where the books are," the librarian sputtered. "Try over there."

"Cool, thanks!"

The unicorn sighed again when she was out of earshot.

"You know what?" Twilight said, her voice growing more apathetic. "I'll deal with that when we have less on our plates. Let's just focus on the new guys for now. Sound good?"

They voiced their agreement and turned around just in time to see the approaching stallions.

Oddly enough, not all of the stallions wore expressions to match their counterparts. Female Applejack looked a good deal more cheerful than the other, although that could have been the aftermath of being shocked awake. Elusive wore the opposite of Rarity's attentive gaze, examining his well-manicured hooves. Dusk actually seemed pretty irritated at the whole affair. Ungrateful little-

Anyway, that's not to say it was an entirely sour mood in the Golden Oak's library. How could it be with the two pink ponies nearly bursting from excitement about their future meeting? No, there was happiness to be had, however scarce it may have seemed. 

The room wasn't exactly massive, so the groups met in a reasonable amount of time. Unfortunately, a reasonable amount of time was not quite enough to think of a way to break the ice. 

"Eh, howdy?" male Applejack suggested. 

"Howdy," female Applejack agreed. "How, uh. How are y'all doin'?"

Mostly unenthusiastic good's answered her.

"That's good. Mah name's Applejack."

Berry promptly fell into a fit of giggles. "Blitz was right. This is gonna be awkward."

"Why?"

"Well ya see," male Applejack said, removing his hat. "I'm Applejack too."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"Then we gotta think up a new name for ya."

He frowned and stepped forward. "Now hold on there partner. Why do I gotta change my name?"

The mare matched his step and narrowed her eyes. "Cause I had it first. Is that gonna be a problem?"

The two orange earth ponies shared a somewhat laughable stare down, the stallion towering over his opponent. She mimicked the expression, however, despite having to raise her head a considerable degree. 

The others anxiously observed the spectacle, none too keen on seeing Applejack fight Applejack. Rarity considered checking on Twilight who may have been panicking or reconsidering the whole cloning thing. 

But it wasn't necessary. Stallion Applejack flashed a smile and backed off.

"Nah. You can have it. Sounds better on you anyway."

"Thank ya kindly. So what can we call you?"

"I dunno. AJ?"

Applejack was about to say that it sounded good, but the pink stallion interrupted her just as Pinkie did. 

"You can't just do that!" he complained. "It's boring!"

Pinkie nodded. "Yeah! We need something more fun to call you! Or at least longer."

AJ was unamused. He wanted to move on. Let somepony else discuss names while he got a better look at that Applejack girl. 

"Fine. Y'all can find me a name. But I get the final word."

Pinkie and Berry took up identical thinking postures for all of five seconds before their inner light bulbs burst open, scattering glass all over the place. 

"We could still go nickname-y," Berry suggested. "But something better than AJ. Big Jay? Jay Jay? Just Jay? Just Jack?"

"Or maybe A-Jacks!" Pinkie interjected. "With an 'X' though. So, like, Ajax!"

Twilight giggled. "I don't know if he'll want that one, Pinkie. Ajax fell on his sword."

Silence greeted the unicorn's words. Her clone alone smiled at the reference.

"Oh come on," she complained. "Have none of you read the Filliad?" 

There was another pause before Pinkie just blinked and turned away from her. 

"It doesn't have to be nickname-y. A full Apple name is good too. But are there any left?"

Berry frowned and searched his brain. "McIntosh?"

"Taken."

"Braeburn?"

"Taken."

"Jonathan?" 

Pinkie paused. "You're onto something. Jonagold?"

"Oh! How about Applejohn?" 

"Yeah," Dusk chuckled. "That's a great name."

"See, Applejohn? Dusk likes it."

Dusk shook his head. "No, Berry. I was being sarcastic. Applejohn is an insult."

Berry fell to his haunches and crossed his forelegs in a huff. 

"I didn't think it was that bad," he muttered.

"No! I mean, it's actually an insult. Ponies use it in those quasi-historical insults. Like 'Thou pribbling, milk-livered apple-john.' One of those."

"Well you're a butt!" Berry yelled indignantly.

Dusk flinched. "I am not a butt!"

"You're acting like a butt!" 

AJ watched them in a state of disbelief. 

Ah ain't even rememberin' anything and they're already givin' me a headache, he thought.

"Both o y'all shut it!" he roared. The discussion as to who was or was not a butt came to a close. Something about the biggest pony in the room yelling that loud made it very easy for him to command attention.

"I'm AJ and I'm happy with it. Can it be somepony else's turn or somethin'?

The offenders murmured quick apologies and rejoined the line facing their counterparts. 

AJ felt a nudge on his shoulder and found Applejack next to him with an approving smile. 

"Nice job with that," she whispered. "That was 'bout to get stupid real quick."

"That wasn't already stupid?" he asked. 

"Sugarcube, you got no idea. Say, you got any plans later?"

AJ nearly started to consider the day's plans, but soon realized that he had existed for less than an hour. 

"Can't say I do, darlin'. You got somethin' in mind?"

"Well, if it pleases ya, you can come back to Sweet Apple Acres with me."

"That sounds nice. What's Sweet Apple Acres?"

"'s mah family's farm n' orchard."

"Will I be doin' farm work?"

"If ya feel like it."

"Ya know, I think I do feel like it. But only 'cause you're gonna be there."

Applejack grinned. "Just a big ol' flatterer, aren't ya?"

And he grinned right back. "Thought I'd be honest 'bout it."

Meanwhile, the other earth ponies had begun speaking to each other faster than one might think possible, smiling all the while. 

"I'm Pinkie Pie!" squeaked Pinkie Pie.

"I'm Berry Blintz!" squeaked Berry Blintz.

They most likely shared more than their names in that exchange, but nopony could discern any other words in that verbal crossfire. 

Blitz sighed and interrupted their light speed chat. "Pinkie, Berry, stop doing that. You're meeting everypony, not just your double."

"Sorry!" they both replied, still smiling. 

"So is there anything you want to share with the rest of the class?"

Pinkie nodded. "I was just telling Berry here how super duper excited I am to meet him and how he's gonna have a super duper good time in Ponyville and that I hope we can be super duper good friends!

Berry waited for her to finish and then nodded as well. "I said that too!"

"I know! It's like you're my clone!"

"I am your clone!"

"I know!"

Everypony wore some combination of confusion and disappointment on their faces. 

"You know," Blitz said as he scratched his head. "I wish there was more to it than that. That's basically Pinkie. So it's basically Berry too. You'll remember more about it later. Who's next?"

Rarity flicked back her mane in a way that would knock out any pony with a libido or an appreciation of beauty. "I believe I'll go."

Her clone smirked. "I'm glad. I'd like to know more about us."

My, that smile is stunning! she thought. Though, I suppose I know where he gets it.

"The name's Rarity, dear. Pleased to meet you."

Without thinking, she daintily held out her hoof for what could reasonably be thought to be a hoof shake. Rarity doesn't do hoof shakes, though. 

"The pleasure is all mine, Rarity." The stallion found himself stepping closer to take her hoof in his. He then found his lips on it as well.

This is a bit forward, isn't it? Why would I do this to greet a pony? One like her, no less.

Again, his lips moved without his permission. Still felt right, though.

"I'm Elusive."

Rarity managed to emit an appropriate giggle as opposed to the outright squealing she was doing in her head. "Elusive?" she asked to test the name on her tongue. "Marvelous. So, you wanted to know about us, correct? I own and operate a business not far from here where I provide whatever one may need to look their best. Garments for both him and her, accessories, and even a few beauty products that nopony bothers purchasing."

"Fantastic."

"It really is. It would be even better if I could take you along. I've been needing a stallion's perspective in my clothing."

"I would be honored."

The group could only watch as the white unicorns gazed deep into each other's eyes. They might as well have been alone, for all the attention they paid to their new friends. 

"Yo, dude," whispered a voice from behind Blitz. "Check it out."

Blitz saw his double holding a hard-back novel with an admittedly badass looking mare on the cover. She had an orange coat, a grayscale mane, and that dorky safari look you could only pull off if you were beating something up. Thankfully, the trail of unconscious baddies behind her confirmed her badass status. 

"That's cool and all," he said. "But shouldn't you be paying attention to this? We're gonna have to introduce everypony again."

Dash just rolled her eyes and waved him off. "It's fine. I've been listening. That guy's Elusive, there's Berry, that's... What did we decide was Applejack's nickname?"

"AJ."

"Right. AJ. So yeah, who's left?"

"Hold on," Blitz said, turning to the staring contest. "Rarity! Elusive! You can go back to blinking now."

The two snapped out of their respective trances with similar levels of embarrassment on their faces. 

"Thanks. Fluttershy, say hello to everypony."

The shy pegasus reacted like she would in any other social situation: with reluctance. She murmured something unintelligible and scraped her hoof along the floor. Everypony really was being a caricature of themselves this afternoon, huh?

The mare's discomfort rather upset her clone, who did not currently have attention drawn to him. Something about her frightened face urged Butterscotch to act. 

It's not as though this was a dire situation in need of heroics, but seeing a pony like Fluttershy speak without stuttering was pretty remarkable. 

"Um, hello Fluttershy," he cooed. "My name is Butterscotch. It's nice to meet you."

He then took her hoof, if only to draw her out of her mane a bit more. It would be unreasonable to expect a repeat of Elusive's spectacle with these two. 

Fluttershy's eyes traveled up the hoof to the nice stallion she was meeting. His caring and gentle smile flew in the face of the male stereotypes she'd heard before. Pleasantly so, of course. 

"H-hi," she said almost breathlessly. A small feat, but at least she was no longer scrutinizing the floor. 

However, despite the progress, their greetings were not fast enough for the impatient Rainbow Blitz, who came up from behind and threw a friendly foreleg around the not quite shaking mare. 

"Fluttershy here lives near the Everfree Forest with a whole slew of animals. She's basically the reason most of Ponyville's animals can live here. Pretty neat, huh?"

"Wow. That's so nice of you." Butterscotch continued to smile at her. 

Fluttershy blushed at the praise, but didn't shy away. "It's no trouble. I enjoy it, really."

"How do you manage to care for a town's worth of critters all by yourself?"

"I can handle it. They don't need much from me other than food and some first aid every now and then. It's fine."

Butterscotch's smile flickered for a moment. "Oh."

"B-but I could always use some help! If you're interested I mean."

"I would love to!"

"Great! That's great! I'll bring you with me when we're done here."

Blitz leaned over to Dash, unimpressed. "It's like pulling teeth with them," he muttered. 

She smirked back. "Yeah, but they're pretty friggin adorable once they get going."

"I guess so."

That left one pair of identical ponies that were not yet standing together. Wary of the last time he went last, Dusk decided to talk before he could be forgotten. 

"So," he said with a drawn out 'o' sound. "I'm-"

"Dusk," Twilight interrupted. "Berry said it before." She then noticed her clones pursed lips and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, did I interrupt you?"

Dusk smiled and shook his head. "It's alright. I'm Dusk Shine actually. But that's sort of a mouthful, isn't it?"

The mare shrugged. "Hey, it's shorter than Twilight Sparkle."

"Twilight Sparkle, huh?" Dusk sighed. "These names are getting silly."

"Whose? Mine?"

"No. You came first. I'm talking about mine and the other guys'. Our names, if they're not already the same, are just synonyms of or words related to yours. It's odd, isn't it?"

Twilight laughed. "It's not the weirdest thing about clones, believe it or not."

"Oh?"

"I'll tell you more about it later. This time is for greetings, right?"

"You're right. You're right. So, uh, what do you do?"

"Well I run and live in this library for one thing. Not that many ponies are looking for books these days."

"Wait. You live in a library? That must be so convenient."

"Right? You know, most ponies look at me like I'm weird when I tell them that."

"I mean, it's not that odd for me to be agreeing with you. You know, because of the clone thing?"

"Right. You're right. It's still nice to have somepony understand for once. Anyway, I'm here primarily to study friendship, magic, and the relationship between the two. I have to report back to Princess Celestia when I learn something."

"Princess?"

"Yes. You see, right now we are in a region called Equestria. At the highest levels of our government are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Smaller governments exist within each town though. 

Dusk mouthed those names contemplatively. "Why do those names sound familiar?"

"Don't think too hard about it. Your visions might start soon. I think tonight I'll have you go to sleep while I prompt some important memories for you. Otherwise you'll be passing out all the time like Blitz did."

"Thanks for that. Now, about that guy. Has he been here longer than us? He sure seems to know more about everything."

"It's a funny story, actually. You see, a few days ago, Rarity had gotten the idea to magically duplicate one of her dresses when she ran out of supplies. Then Rainbow Dash- that's her over there- crashed through her window as she shot the spell and, well, there he was."

"Why didn't she just-"

"I have no clue. There were so many other choices she could have made, but she went for the most complicated one. I've learned to stop questioning it."

"Huh. That's an... odd story. Though I suppose Blitz isn't too upset about it. I guess my next question would be why did you make the rest of us? I'm assuming it was you and not Rarity again."

Twilight shifted uncomfortably at the question, but kept her straight face more or less. "It was me, and I'm paying the price for it by the way. That was a lot of magic. Anyway, I made all of you to explore more applications of the duplication spell I developed. Almost nopony has studied it before and none have gone as far as we have today. That's where you come in."

"Glad I come in here at some point."

"I'd like you to stay with me here to help study and experiment with the cloning spell."

"Sure."

"You don't have to. I'll let you live here regardless of- wait. You'll do it?"

Dusk smiled incredulously. "I get to live in a library with a talented pony like you and study unexplored magical territory? That one's a no-brainer." 

"Oh stop," Twilight said, blushing.

"Sorry, but you made five ponies with magic just now. That normally takes about eleven months, you know."

"Hush. If I cast the spell correctly, you should be made of the same stuff. I'm nothing special."

You seem plenty special to me, Dusk thought, unconsciously losing himself in her eyes. But he caught himself early enough and snapped out of the spell. Wow. I'm really glad I only thought that.

But the gesture wasn't lost on Twilight, who found herself short of breath despite a lack of exertion, magical or otherwise. She still did her best to ignore it. 

A bird's eye view of the library offered an interesting and very telling scene. Scattered about were five pairs of nearly identical ponies, now without a point of focus in which to feign interest. The silence was not uncomfortable. In fact, it was a welcome break in the busy afternoon. It was not the pairs' differences that made the scene interesting, but what they shared. At any given moment, several sideways glances were cast between clone and clone-e, lingering as long as possible before fleeing for fear of being discovered. Another pair, flying above, may have remembered experiencing such glances. 

Of course, those privy to this bird's eye view lacked the means to appreciate it. To them, it was a lull in what should have been more entertaining. 

"May I have your attention please?" Blitz asked in his best announcer voice. Twenty eyes dragged themselves away from their desires to the pegasus.

"We have one more pony to introduce. She's hip! She's hot! She's one of the fastest things alive! Fillies and gentlecolts, put your hooves together for Rainbow Dash!" 

Dash whipped around the library, messing up manes and papers alike in her wake. She settled into a hover right above her friends, flipping back her colorful mane. 

"Thank you. Thank you. Don't bother holding your applause." Had Dash opened her eyes, she would see only two pink ponies applauding her. But they still sounded like a full theater after the performance of a lifetime. 

"Fantastic," Twilight deadpanned, looking over her scattered paperwork. "We're all acquainted. Anything you don't know, you'll learn in your dreams tonight. If anypony asks, you're from out of town. Any questions?"

Berry lifted his hoof. 

"You're not gonna blow up, Berry!" Blitz shouted. 

The hoof fell to the ground. 

Twilight gave them all a moment to think of a real question. To be honest, it seemed like they were in a rush to leave. 

"Alright. You're all dismissed."

That's when a deformed claw ripped open a hole in reality in Twilight's front door.

Everypony was no longer dismissed. 


...

> They're all Crazy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...in bed. Am I right?"


Integrals



***


The claw raked against an invisible force, ripping a hole in the air before the library's exit. Past the claw, one could see the dark and confusing void from which the entity was emerging. The claw retreated and out popped a head of uncertain origin. Equipped with mismatched horns, a snaggletooth, and shaggy gray fur, the head could definitely be described as chaotic. 

The head enjoyed this description. What it did not enjoy was the odor of this new location. 

"Oh my goodness!" it shrieked. "Would someone light a candle or something?"

Discord reluctantly drew the rest of his odd body out of his portal and produced a clothespin on his snout as soon as he could snap his talons. Only then did he shut his dimensional rift.

"Ugh. This isn't enough."

The clothespin began to morph as he wiggled his talons around. First it became two clothespins, then three, then a black plague era doctor's mask with posies in the beak, and then he finally got rid of his nostrils altogether. 

"Much better," he said rather nasally. 

The stallions reacted to the newcomer with cautious interest. Sure, he didn't look all that friendly. But his actions did not suggest he meant any harm. It was almost funny to them the way he conjured props for himself. 

The mares were a different matter. 

Fluttershy fled to the safety of her clone's shoulder, hiding her face and becoming as small as possible. Pinkie disappeared to one of her emergency stashes. Rarity sent her magic to anything sharp within her field of view, finding a few letter openers and broken ink bottles. Applejack didn't need weapons and only lowered herself closer to the ground to pounce. In a second, Rainbow Dash's wings would flap and send her hoof toward the intruder's face with considerable speed. Twilight tried to summon some magic, but found her reserves much too dry for an effective attack. 

Discord had yet to observe his audience, having been much too worried about smells to consider his safety. He actually began to speak with his eyes closed to avoid some awkwardness. 

"Hello everypony! How are you all-"

A sharp piece of metal sliced both of his horns in half. Applejack's bucking hooves met their mark on his donkey leg with an unpleasant cracking sound. Dash cleared the distance in no time at all and delivered a fierce blow to his face, scattering a few teeth over the floor. 

Only after the assault could Discord react and repel his assailants. His magic welled up in his stomach and expanded outwards, reflecting a second letter opener aimed at his neck and the follow up blows of Dash and Applejack. Soon, his bubble encompassed his broken body and several feet around. He still fell flat on his ass though.

He took a moment to breathe in his shield, making sure that he was still alive after that attack. Several missing teeth, several broken bones, and half-severed horns comprised his bill of health, but not death. That much, he could be happy for. That being said, the ailments he did have hurt like hell. 

"OW!" he roared as he clutched his mouth and leg. "What was that for!?"

"Rarity! You have to disable his shield!" Twilight yelled, ignoring him. 

"I've got it," she called back, a determined glare on her face. 

To Discord's horror, she did. The combination of his rushed shield and her frantic dispelling would not leave him much time. 

"Wait!" he shouted, waving his various appendages. "I come in peace! I'm here to apologize!"

Rarity's spell faltered long enough for him to fortify his cover. Two more kicks and punches bounced off. 

"Please! I'm not going to hurt you!"

Rarity rolled her eyes at his plea. "Twilight, do you have a shovel? I'm going to go through the floor."

"Can't you just summon one?" she answered.

"I'm a bit too busy to be learning more new spells. Feel free to jump in and help any time!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was just sitting around making five ponies out of thin air! Who the heck am I to be a little exhausted!" 

"Will somepony find me a weapon?!" 

"Don't find her a weapon!" Discord begged. "I only wanted to apologize! I've changed!"

"He's lyin'!" Applejack grunted as her latest buck glanced off the translucent shield. "He must be lyin'!"

Small cracks formed where Applejack landed a particularly strong blow. Between Discord's dazed state and his preoccupation with a magical onslaught, he had little effort to devote towards repairing his shield.

Does she buck for a living or something? he thought. It's like a bloody cannon with every kick!

She does, in fact, buck for a living. Nopony bothered telling him though. 

"Rainbow!" Applejack shouted. "With me!"

"Gotcha'!" the pegasus called back. 

Both retreated momentarily before charging in. The earth pony twisted around as she neared the cracking shield, shifting her momentum into a powerful buck. Meanwhile, Dash swooped in low with her right hoof extended for a mighty punch. Their focused efforts certainly had the ability to break through their barrier. 

What they could not destroy was the new, purple layer that appeared a foot before Discord's. Their respective hooves met and stuck to the shimmering film, distending it enough to contact their intended mark, but with next to no force. The attackers stumbled further, their entire bodies now oscillating back and forth in the air. They would eventually settle and frantically search for the new barrier's source. 

Twilight could only watch in bewilderment as Dusk's horn continued to shine, her inner scientist noting the darker hue of his magic. The stallion was not alone in his efforts either. Beyond him, Twilight saw Rarity struggling against her own clone's restraining hooves without any glow around either of their horns. 

Twilight's attention snapped back to her double when she heard his voice. 

"Stop attacking him, you maniacs!" he barked. "He just said he came in peace!" 

"Wa-Dusk!? What are you doing!?" she cried. 

He glanced at his original before returning his gaze to the two biggest threats to Discord, now struggling with their respective clones and the adhesive barrier. 

"I'm stopping you all from murdering that thing. What the heck did it do to you?"

"A lot, actually!"

"Well instigating violence isn't the answer here." The unicorn stallion walked calmly through the three fights occurring in the room, dropping his spell upon reaching the thing's bubble. "Who are you?" Dusk asked. 

Discord didn't answer. He was busy fumbling with his shattered leg. Eventually, he shrugged and tore it off. 

Dusk winced and jumped back. "What the hell-!"

The leg fell off of him with a popping sound. Where it should have attached to his body, there was a round peg. On the corresponding portion of his torso was a matching hole. With a snap of his talons, the broken leg disappeared. With another, a large  package materialized in his hands. The kind with cardboard backing and a plastic bulge in the front to display it's contents. The label on the top read "Discord Leg (L)".

Safe to say that Dusk was in shock. Legs shouldn't just come off like that. And when they do, they definitely shouldn't look like cheap plastic building blocks for foals and obsessed adults. 

The others were less phased, being much too busy wrestling.

"Get offa' me, dude!" Dash roared as she threw her clone and herself to the side, coming out atop him away from Dusk's fading barrier. 

Blitz tried and failed to get on top again, but he still maintained his hold. "Ya' can't just go killing things that show up in the public library, Dash!"

"He ain't here to return a book, jackass!" Applejack snarled. "He's gonna destroy the town!"

AJ was having a bit more luck with his opponent. Being heavier helped. "If'n ya quit freakin' out, ya'll would've heard him say somethin' bout apologizing!"

"You gonna trust that varmint?" the mare asked, narrowing her eyes. She stopped her struggling to focus on her penetrating glare. 

"Got no reason not to. Sorry honeycrisp. I like ya an' all, but fight'n ain't no good."

"C'mon Dash," Blitz pleaded through a hoof pressing on his face. "Just listen to the guy! How about this: we hear what he has to say and, if I don't like what I hear, I'll kick his ass for you."

Dash frowned, but stopped fighting. "Ugh. Fine." Her head craned toward Discord, who now sported a full set of legs. "You're lucky I trust him, Discord! Else I'd be feeding you your jaw right now!" 

Discord again didn't acknowledge the threat. This time, his claw traveled to his mouth. Two talons grasped the gums around one of the gaps made by Dash's hoof and pulled downwards. In their wake, a new tooth appeared as off white and crooked as ever. 

He repeated the process for each gap, eventually coming to his snaggletooth which, to his relief, remained attached. 

"Oh thank goodness. I'd never be able to get that one right again. Now where was I?"

He reached his lion's paw to his repaired mouth and plugged it with his thumb. His cheeks expanded as a blew, as did his mismatched horns. 

"There we are! Good as new! Anyway, as I was saying, I have come to apologize for my transgressions last time we met. I simply wasn't myself back then. Could you find it in your hearts to forgive me?"

Discord was not an observant fellow. Some even suggested that he lacked any form of an attention span. Whatever the case may be, it took Discord an apology, a near death experience, and yet another apology before he cared to scan the room. 

"Weren't there only six of you last time?" he asked while checking his head for lumps and holes. "I'm seeing a few more of all of you right now." He checked the room again and pouted. "Except the pink one. Why don't I get two of her? She was the fun one."

"Hiyaaaaa!" cried Pinkie Pie as she fell from the library's second floor, hurling liquid-filled balloons stored in her voluminous mane.  

Discord found himself painted brown before the rabid earth pony even hit the ground. Though, to be fair, she was caught and wrapped in other pink limbs before that could happen. 

"Gotcha!" Berry squeaked into his double's mane. "The clones win!"

"Nuh-uh!" Pinkie managed through giggles, her hooves restrained. "Dusk hasn't caught Twilight yet!"

"Dusk! You gotta tag Twilight or we lose!"

Dusk ignored the frightening prospect of losing whatever game was going on in favor of the sopping wet monstrosity now counting ponies. He didn't switch limbs after running out of talons and instead grew an additional digit for each additional pony. 

"Okay. I'm not seeing things. There really are two of all of you. What happened?"

Dusk grimaced and shook his head. "I really don't think it's your turn to ask questions yet."

"And who might you be? Does Twilight have a brother I don't know about?"

The answer to that question would be yes, but he was a tad busy running Equestria's seemingly lacking defense forces. The part of Twilight's brain that wasn't busy processing the fact that Discord was in the library made a note to ask Captain Shining Armor how and why powerful beings of destruction kept making their way to Ponyville. 

The aforementioned unicorn meanwhile stormed up past her clone to Discord, keeping her distance from the sticky brown goop falling off his shaggy fur. 

"He is none of your business, Discord. Why are you here?"

"To apologize, Twilight. I believe this is the third time I've said so. Here I was thinking you were the good listener in this group."

"I heard you those times and I'm still not buying it. Why are you not in your stone?"

"Is it so hard to believe that your princesses let me out early for good behavior?"

"Yes," Twilight said accompanied by the corroborating nods of her friends. 

The lord of chaos only shrugged. "I'm sorry, but that's the truth. So, now that I've answered your questions, why don't you tell me about these strapping young gentlecolts that saved me from grievous bodily harm?"

"Like I said, they're none of your-"

"We're clones from out of town!" Berry interrupted cheerfully.

"Berry!"

"What?"

"I told you not to tell anypony that!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did! I... Never mind. I should have seen that coming."

"Clones, eh?" Discord asked. "I suppose that would explain the smell."

Berry cocked his head to the side. "What smell?"

"The smell of sameness, my little pony. And it reeks of it in here. I feel positively filthy right now. Speaking of..."

Discord trailed off, glancing at the brown layer of slop that covered him from horn to hoof. However, with a particularly strong inhale, the goo flowed from his various parts into his gaping maw. He promptly gagged and stuck out his tongue. 

"Ick! Sugarless?" 

Pinkie smiled incredulously. "Well I'm not gonna use the good stuff for attacking you!"

"That ought to be classified as a war crime," he complained suppressing the urge to wretch. "That and diet soda."

"Don't forget about seltzer!"

"We do not speak of the beverage that shall not be named!" 

Twilight stomped her hoof angrily. "Enough messing around!" she shouted. "I want answers! Real answers!"

"What has you so riled up, Twilight?" the draconequus asked.

Blitz took one look up at his girlfriend's disappointed glare before bringing a hoof to his face. 

"Dude, just talk or she'll make me beat you up."

Discord crossed his arms and pouted. "I don't appreciate her attitude. What is it going to take to convince you I'm on the up and up? A polygraph?"

A box connected to several nodes on Discord's body appeared by his side and began to spit out paper. He should have done some research before this particular gag, though. He overlooked the fact that large spikes in the reading usually indicate lying. 

"No," Twilight said. "And those things aren't even reliable."

"Then what? Because you seem to have decided that I'm evil already."

"First of all, I have no reason to believe you're anything but evil. Second, I'm almost positive that Princess Celestia would tell me if she let someone like you back into society."

A deep belch reverberated through the library from above, catching the arguing ponies, and more impressively the lord of chaos, off guard. A grunt, a groan, and a few stumbling steps later, Spike the dragon trudged down the stairs. One claw tried in vain to rub the sleep from his eyes. The other weakly clutched a scroll. 

"Twilight," he called, yawning. "Got a letter for you."

Nopony answered, so he opened his eyes to see if she was even there. 

He blinked his tired eyes once and threw the letter down. 

"Spike?" his mother figure asked. "Are you-"

"Don't care. Going back to bed."

"You don't want to-"

"Nope. Bed."

The group watched in silence as the young dragon made his way back up the stairs. Upon reaching the top, he cast one more glance at the five unfamiliar faces and Discord before shaking his head. 

Twilight frowned at her assistant's reaction to the madness that was the library's ground floor. She didn't remember him being quite this jaded and apathetic towards the goings on of Ponyville. It made sense, however. The poor guy had witnessed more craziness in a few years then most ponies would in their whole lives. 

"That's going to be a fun talk," she muttered. Her eyes traced down from her staircase to the unexpected letter. It couldn't possibly be what she thought it was. That would be too convenient. She'd already had a nightmare in which her life was a hidden camera show. She didn't need any more reinforcement for that delusion. 

A purple aura surrounded the scroll for all of one second before it faltered, as did Twilight's balance. Luckily, she was saved from a nasty fall on the rump by two hooves that somewhat eagerly grabbed her and kept her upright. 

"Woah there," Dusk said, his hooves still supporting his double. "You alright?"

The mare groaned and clenched her eyes shut. "I'm fine. It's just the horn. And all those knives in my skull."

"I'm thinking we should keep you off the magic for a while," he chuckled. Then he floated the letter over to her in his own magic. "Here. You want me to open it?"

Twilight tried to listen. She really did. But it was just so comfortable to be in his hooves. Between the touch of his fur and the exhaustion that overwhelmed her, she nearly nodded off. 

"Twilight?" Dusk said again, starting to worry about her flickering eyelids. 

"Hmm? Wha- oh!" The mare slowly exited the crook of her clone's neck in a way she hoped appeared natural. "Um, yeah. Could you open it for me?"

He did so and looked away, partly to preserve her privacy and partly because he didn't trust himself to summon any more charisma that day. A hooffull of relatively smooth interactions with that mare was plenty.

Twilight's attention, meanwhile, regrouped to focus on the task at hoof. She could be mostly sure that the letter was from the princess, considering the greeting. Few ponies could still call Twilight Sparkle their student. 

Dearest Student,

I'm terribly sorry I could not inform you ahead of time about some recent decisions of mine. Certain events required immediate action and left no time for preparations. Should this arrive on time, do not be alarmed if you receive an unexpected guest. Discord has been released and has been sent to your home. I assure you, he has changed since you last saw him. I also realize he has caused many problems for you and your friends, but I will have to ask you at least be civil with him and hear him out. 

If you or your friends have any questions, please contact me. If he causes trouble, I am confident you are equipped to subdue him. You have my blessing, should things come to that.

Best wishes,

Celestia

Twilight scrutinized the royal scroll with extreme prejudice. However, despite her best efforts, she could not find a single sign of perjury. Even its lack of the princess's customary flair could be reasonably explained by haste. 

"His story checks out," she practically spat. "Celestia really did free him." She directed her glare up from the floating paper to the paroled lord of chaos, who thrust his paw and claw behind his back and sported a halo above his two horns.  

"Isn't that lovely!" he exclaimed. "Now we can all be friends! Come here everypony! Group hug!"

Twelve ponies watched Discord's outstretched arms with apprehension. None moved. 

Twilight scowled at him. "Slow down, Discord. Celestia may have given you another chance, but I still don't trust you."

The five other mares nodded along with her. 

"You're not going to leave me hanging here, are you?"

"I-I'm willing to give you a chance," Fluttershy mumbled, still under her clone's comforting wing. "But I don't think we're there yet. I'm sorry."

Discord slumped forward, crestfallen and hugless. "That's fair. Thank you for your hospitality-err- for not knocking out all of my teeth. Sorry again and good luck with, well, all this," he said, motioning to the stallions. 

He flourished his arms to summon his portal, but felt some magic on his shoulder holding him back. 

"Is that it?" Dusk asked incredulously. "You're not going to defend yourself?"

Discord could only shrug. "I understand their hesitation to accept me. I shouldn't intrude any more than I already have in all of your lives."

"But you didn't even give us the whole explanation. This 'Princess Celestia' wouldn't just let you out of prison on a whim if you were so horrible. What really happened?"

When the draconequus turned around, his eyes were obscured by a pair of dark sunglasses and a black suit jacket appeared on his shoulders.

"I'm afraid that's classified, Mr. Sparkle."

"Er. It's Shine."

"Hm?"

"Dusk Shine. My name."

"At any rate, that doesn't change things. I don't think now is the right time to share that. But thank you for your skepticism. It's nice to know somepony doesn't think I'm a monster."

Blitz took a glance at the mares' frowns before returning to the wacky figure he knew only from a vision of Twilight atop him. 

"I mean, none of us really know what you did," he said. "It couldn't have been that bad."

A blue hoof made a valiant effort to separate Blitz's foreleg from the rest of him. 

"Ow! What the hay, Dash!?"

The mare scowled at him and shook the pain off her hoof. "What he did was bad, dingus! He took away my wings!"

"But your wings are right there."

"I- Well he gave them back! But he also pretty much destroyed Ponyville!"

"Ponyville looks fine. How long ago was this?"

"Dammit Blitz! Why are you defending him?!"

"Well why shouldn't I? All I've seen him do is apologize and get sliced by Lady Letter Opener over there."

"Hey!" the lord of chaos called out indignantly. "I've been doing much more than that. Have you not been paying attention to my schtick? I usually charge money for that sort of thing, you know."

"Quiet, you," Dash snapped. "I'm trying to convince my clone to hate you." 

"That's too bad, Rainbow Dash," Discord said. "These gentlecolts are not against me, and that means they're with me!"

Said gentlecolts felt a strong force draw them into the draconequus's waiting arms. It must have been their turn to feel some discomfort. 

"What do you say, boys? Can I count on your trust?"

A chorus of noncommittal murmurs answered him, along with Berry's giggles of course. 

"I mean," Blitz began. "Just because I don't want you dead doesn't mean we're-"

"Then it's settled!" Discord cheered. "Henceforth, you will all be my students. I expect weekly letters discussing...er, whatever it is you've learned that week. Send me your names too, I guess. All clear?"

Several mouths opened futilely to object. 

"Great! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some errands to run. Be careful with these mares. They're almost as crazy as I am. Ciao!"

A portal to unspeakable horrors appeared before the front door and swallowed him up. The stallions shared a few nervous glances and returned to their respective doubles. 

"Did that guy just give us homework?" Blitz asked, confused. 

Dash laughed at him. "Serves you right for making nice with the enemy. We don't have due dates on our letters."

"Aw, what? I want that deal. I don't wanna write letters."

"Then don't. What's he gonna do? Come after you?"

"Eh. I guess you're right. And if he does, I can just send you after him. Seriously, you can throw a mean punch."

"Damn right," she said, flexing a muscle. "Don't think you can get off so easily next time you tackle me, by the way."

Blitz grinned and wrapped a wing around her. "C'mon Dash. You're too hot for me to keep my hooves off."

Their conversation devolved into flirting pretty quickly. Luckily, the others were too involved in their own words to feel uncomfortable. Those words mostly consisted of apologies between those responsible for the attacks on Discord and those who defended him.

"Ah guess we might'a overreacted," Applejack said sheepishly to her clone. 

He smirked back at her. "Just a tad. Y'all probably had yer' reasons, though. Musta' done somethin' awful to get everypony so riled up."

"Yeah. Awful's a good word. Ya see, first he put us through this maze-"

Applejack found her voice overpowered by Twilight's, who seemed to be addressing the room. 

"Okay everypony. I realize that may have shaken things up a little and we all have much to talk about. However, it would probably be best if we all got to our days before something crazier shows up."

Twilight's guests chuckled, but it was a genuine concern of hers. Better to spread out so fewer ponies would be killed when something inevitably blows up the library. 

It's not paranoia if it eventually happens.

"So remember to sit down and get some memories back before the debilitating headaches set in," the unicorn repeated as she let out her guests. 

Blitz stuck out his tongue. "Been there, done that, and it sucked."

"Quit whining," Dash said, following him out. "You got to learn all about my awesome life." 

Next came Berry with Pinkie riding on his back.

"Bye!" he cried out with a waving hoof. "Thanks for making me, Twilight!"

Pinkie nodded along with him. "Yeah! Thanks for making him!"

Twilight smiled uncomfortably. "Uh, no problem?" she replied. 

The others said their goodbyes and filed out without incident or destruction, finally allowing Twilight to collapse against the closed door. 

"I'm exhausted and it's barely past noon," she complained. "I probably should have slept last night."

Dusk offered a sympathetic smile along with his leg to help her up. "On the bright side, you don't have much else to do today, right?"

The mare's features almost brightened at the thought of rest. Almost. 

"A-actually, there's one more thing. I couldn't really say anything with Rainbow Dash and Blitz in the room."

Dusk watched the hesitation in her eyes with a sinking feeling in his gut. "Okay. Is it bad? Because Blitz was saying something about blowing up and-"

"No! Nothing like that."

"Alright. So what is it?"

Twilight gulped down her apprehension and pushed forward. "Okay, so while experimenting with the duplication spell, I found that a relationship exists between the original object and the cloned object. I've been calling it the Attraction."

"What does this Attraction entail?"

The mare refused to meet her clone's eyes during her explanation. "For an object, it's an attractive force between it and its clone. The strength varies, but it has usually been strong enough to hold the object's weight."

Dusk was not yet considering the repercussions for himself, having been far more interested in the magical science he was learning. 

"That's very interesting! I wonder if that could be used for anything..." He drifted off into thought the same way Twilight had some days before. She saw the gears working in his mind in search for a breakthrough. Unfortunately, she knew the conclusion he would ultimately reach.

"I'm not done. You know how some spells behave differently for ponies, right?"

"Of course. So that means the inanimate attraction may manifest as...Oh."

Suddenly the floor became very interesting and worth a thorough examination. 

Hating to give her clone another problem to face on his first day, Twilight placed a hoof on his shoulder to console him. 

"Now, I could be wrong! I'm not sure what you're feeling right now. All I have to go on are Dash, Blitz, and myself."

"No no. I'm,uh, I definitely felt something. Feeling it, I mean."

Twilight withdrew her hoof. "Oh! So that means you find me-"

"Very, yeah. Are- are you feeling it?"

She could only manage a nod at his inquiry as scarlet rushed to her cheeks. 

Dusk bit his lip and hid a blush of his own. 

Look. Artificial or not, a compliment is a compliment. If someone calls you sexy, you feel it. 

The seconds dragged on in Ponyville's library, its occupants warring with urges to both flee and to mash faces. Neither were really acceptable in this moment, unfortunately. But all was not lost. The world was filled with distractions, many necessary to equine life. 

Twilight's eyes popped open with delight. "Food! We should get food!"

"Right!" Dusk replied too quickly and eagerly. "We should eat something! Definitely."

"Great! Yeah! Let's go grab something!" 

In short order, the uncomfortable and frustrated unicorns were out the door, again leaving the library unattended. It should be safe, though. I mean, who reads anymore, right?


...



> Putting in Work
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Work it, honey."


Integrals



***


We were all children once. Hell, some of us might still be children. Nevertheless, we should all understand the many games we played to entertain our far too active minds between activities. A walk to the mail box could be agonizing to a sufficiently young and bored foal. The minute or so the journey would take is a significant portion of their life, after all. 

And so, out of absolute necessity, games were made. Some tiles on floors became lava and cracks in the sidewalk became terrible dangers to everypony and their mothers. Especially their mothers.

Perhaps synchronizing one's steps with another was your goal. Your left with theirs, then your rights. It's harder than one would expect. Several awkward half-steps could be made to catch your partner's pace, only for you to find that he or she had slowed to yours. In any event, the synchronization would break with a single stumble, blink, or distraction. Then a new game would be found and those few seconds of organized marching would be forgotten. 

Few ponies play this game without thinking. Fewer still manage to keep it up over long distances. 

The Everfree forest was not all that close by. 

"Hmm."

"Hmm?"

"W-what?"

"Did you say something?"

"Oh. Um, no. Sorry."

The two ponies now approaching a familiar bridge might have been able to distract themselves by noting their matched steps. Maybe a conversation could have been started. That should have been happening anyway, considering how well they hit it off back at Twilight's place.

But no. Fluttershy and her new clone Butterscotch hardly opened their mouths during their walk. 

That's not to say the silence was entirely awkward. I mean, he was becoming acquainted with a world that was entirely new to him. That must have been pretty overwhelming. Fluttershy was no stranger to calmly and silently watching the leaves flutter in the wind. Maybe that's what they were doing. Enjoying the, er, cloudy and depressing looking day.

Wait.

"We should be able to see it soon," the mare said in her trademark whisper. 

"Okay," her clone answered with a similar pitch. He then regretted dismissing the conversation and scrambled for a follow up question. "Um, just how deep into the forest is it?"

Fluttershy gave an inward sigh of relief as the ice began to break. Well, not so much break as become slightly more mushy.

"Not too far in. The edge is where all the nice little critters stay. Bad things live deeper in there."

Butterscotch frowned nervously. "What, um, what kind of bad things?"

"Oh! I'm sorry! It's not what you think! They're not bad. They're just, um, mean sometimes."

"Okay," he breathed, somewhat relieved. 

"They hardly ever come out anyway. You don't have to worry."

He smiled warmly at her. "I won't. Oh! Is that it?"

As the two rounded a corner, Fluttershy's humble home came into view. Even the gray sky would have trouble putting a damper on her nearly idyllic front yard. 

"Mhm," she answered. "Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful!" he exclaimed as he took to the air. If you're into nature, I guess a bunch of trees and birdhouses really do it for you. 

"You should see it when the weather is better and everyone is out and about."

Butterscotch hummed in agreement after peeking into his third empty birdhouse. "Is there going to be a storm tonight?"

The mare gave a light shrug. "The schedule only called for rain. but I'm not sure. Sometimes the weatherponies, um, underestimate the power of their storms."

Frowns crept onto both of their muzzles as they imagined the coming night. Scary flashes of lightning turning the surrounding trees into nightmarish shadow puppets. The unnerving sound of torrential rainfall on the roof leaving no respite between the flashes. And the thunder...

Listen, I don't care who you are. Thunder is scary. Yeah, it doesn't do anything, but come on. I'm allowed to flinch at sudden loud noises. It's a natural instinct. If you don't flinch, that's not toughness, that's a neurological disorder. 

Personal rants aside, the yellow pair was torn from their dreading of times to come by a friendly shout from above. 

"Hey you two! You sure took your time getting here."

Above them, the one and only Rainbow Dash hovered with her pet flying tortoise in tow. 

"Hello Rainbow," Fluttershy said. "Are you taking Tank back?"

"Yup! Thanks for taking care of him the past few days. He didn't cause any trouble, did he?"

"Oh gosh, no. He's a delight to have around. And you're always welcome to visit if you want to Tank."

At that, the airborne reptile swept down for a quick nuzzle to his temporary caregiver's nose, much to the amusement and mild jealousy of our new friend Butterscotch. 

"Alright Tank, let's get going. By the way, you two might want to head inside soon. Word is we've got a huge storm coming in later."

A lump of lead appeared in two yellow pegasi guts. 

"Um, how huge?" Butterscotch asked hopefully. 

Dash shrugged. "All I know is that Thunderlane's at the reins on this one. And, well, that dude loves his thunder. Anyways, see ya!"

Four ears drooped in the wake of Dash's exit. Never before has a rainbow left two nature loving ponies so disconcerted. 

"I don't like thunder," Fluttershy mumbled.

Her clone nodded. "Neither do I."

"So, um, I'm sorry if I make too much noise when the storm starts. I tend to, um, scream a little when I'm scared."

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry if I make some, uh, noise too."

"You don't have to be sorry."

"Okay."

Any and all obvious solutions escaped them as they lamented their plight. Yet, they reeled in their thoughts enough to continue their day.

Fluttershy pulled open her door for the stallion. "Maybe we should go inside before it gets bad."

Butterscotch nodded and stepped forward. Perhaps getting to know his new home would be a good distraction.

No such luck. A small cry echoed through the surrounding woods, stopping our winged protagonists from any sort of cottage exploration.

"Did you hear-" Fluttershy almost said before it came again, needier this time.

The two pegasi scarcely shared a glance before rushing off in the direction of the sound.

Thunderstorms be damned. A small animal needed help.


...


"Really, Rarity. I am very sorry for resorting to roughhousing to-"

"Oh stop," she said dismissively. "Your intentions were noble and your methods were harmless. Why, I don't think you even ruffled my mane in that scuffle."

"Of course not! What kind of deranged maniac would lay a hoof on a beautiful mane such as yours?"

"You're too kind, Elusive. I should be thanking you. In hindsight, the knives may have been a bit extreme."

Elusive struggled to ease her supposed guilt. "No! It wasn't extreme per se. It was... passionate! Yes. A passionate response to a real danger."

It was Rarity's turn to flash a stunning smile. "You are intent on denying me any opportunity for self-pity, aren't you?"

The stallion made a show of avoiding eye contact.

"One should always discourage negative emotions, no? Or, the source of those emotions, rather."

What a charmer! Rarity thought. Going to such lengths for my sake. I don't know what I was so worried about before. 

The pair of stylish unicorns soon found themselves at the door of the greatest clothing shop in Ponyville. Some ponies like to point out that it is also the only one. We tell those ponies to shut up. 

"Here we are, Elusive. Carousel Boutique: where everything is sleek, chic, and-"

"Magnifique," the stallion finished for her, his hoof against the glass of one of her display windows. "Is this your work?"

Rarity flipped her hair elegantly. "Well it certainly isn't my sister's. What do you think?"

Elusive tore his eyes off the display to gaze incredulously at his double. "What do I think?!"

"Err, yes?" the mare offered with uncertainty and slight fear. 

"I think you're brilliant! The colors, the designs, I- How have these not been purchased yet?"

"Okay, now I'm sure you're just flattering me."

"I'm not! I daresay I would wear this one myself."

Rarity bit her lip to stifle her laughter at that image. "I don't think you have the body type for that one. Regardless, let's go inside before we discuss cross dressing any further."

The stallion chuckled and held the door for his double. "I feel like I should be insulted. You don't think I could 'rock' that dress?"

"You would definitely draw some attention," she said, again forced to consider her clone in drag. "Stop making me picture that!"

"Fine. Fine. But I still stand by my claim. Anyway, you wanted me to look at your male clothing options?"

"Yes. This way," she said before leading him through the displays. "The mares in this town don't even feel the need to have more than one dress, so you can imagine how the stallions feel."

Elusive grimaced at the thought. "Perfect. I've been summoned into a nudist colony."

"That has only been my experience. It's possible that I've been doing something wrong."

They came up to the rack of suit jackets. Each had more or less the same design, but there was one for every color in the visible spectrum.

Elusive levitated a purple one off the rack and began examining it up close. Rarity, meanwhile, walked off to find a matching undershirt. 

"There's only so much I can do with these suits," she said to him. "You stallions are just so limited in terms of customization."

"I disagree," he said, following her with the jacket. "There are some subtle ways to accessorize and stand out without seeming too garish."

Rarity scowled behind a white button down. "Yes yes. Hats and pins and the like. But you're still confined to the standard suit and tie."

"That may be," the stallion admitted while slipping into the shirt and jacket. "But you must remember that we are not meant to be the center of attention. Especially if mares like you do it so much better."

Another compliment. Everything is a compliment with him. Why does he- oh my...

Rarity's thoughts came to a screeching halt when she laid eyes on her clone, now fully dressed. 

"How do I look?" he asked with that smile of his. 

The clothes fit surprisingly well, seeing as they took no measurements whatsoever before playing dress up.  The top buttons were left open, giving him that casually elegant look one so often saw on the covers of romance novels. Speaking of romance novels...

"Let me see," Rarity said. She approached him with half-lidded eyes and placed a hoof to his chest. Sure, she could have claimed to be smoothing out wrinkles or straightening his collar. But come on, did she really need an excuse?

After more adjusting and close contact than was absolutely necessary, Rarity tore herself away to take in his outfit again. 

"Absolutely dashing, darling."

He smiled. "I agree. And yet, you'll have me believe this garment is not selling?"

"Unfortunately. I don't suppose you have any ideas as to why?"

Elusive frowned as he carefully removed the borrowed clothes. "From what I've seen, your suits are much simpler than even your most modest dresses. Now, I agree with that strategy, but perhaps your customers do not."

"What do you suggest?"

"Maybe they want something more extravagant. Protrusions, patterns, something. Even a more complicated hem may interest them a little more."

Rarity brought a hoof to her chin. Complicated suits? It was absurd. It flew in the face of what she knew of conventional fashion. Though, that may have been the problem. Ponyville was not "conventional" by any stretch of the word.

"It's radical proposition, my dear Elusive. But you have my support."

He clapped his hooves together cheerfully. "Perfect! If you would be so kind as to point me toward your supplies, I will get right to it!"

"Right now?" the mare asked, surprised. "I've just barely introduced you to my home, let alone Equestria, and you want to immediately start working? At least let me treat you to a meal first."

"I'm afraid I'll have to decline, Rarity. I cannot allow the stallions of Ponyville to go without fashion any longer. Everyone needs something to wear."

It was then that Elusive's bravado faded and his pupils all but disappeared.

Rarity cautiously put a hoof on his shoulder. "Elusive? Is something wrong?"

He offered nothing but unintelligible whispers.

"You'll have to speak up. Should I call the hospital?"

"N-nothing to..."

"You're frightening me, Elusive! Say something!"

His legs gave out beneath him, throwing the proud stallion into the cold embrace of the tile floor.

"I have nothing to wear!" he bellowed to the heavens. 

Rarity's heart sank as she absorbed his words. She could not imagine a more torturous hell. She was at his side caressing his mane in an instant. 

"It's okay, Elusive! We can fix this! I have everything you need to construct your wardrobe."

"Nothing at all..."

"Come on," she said, coaxing him to his hooves. "To my sewing room. We shall address this at once."

"Y-yes," he stammered. "Sewing room..."


...


What is futility?

Futility is rubbing one's head to relieve an ache, despite there being no reason such an action would help in the slightest. 

Futility is trying to calm the children when all they want is their mother. 

Futility is cleaning up when you know someone will make everything dirty again.

Futility is saying no to Pinkie Pie. 

Just think positive, Carrot! She said he's good at baking. As good as she is. More hooves just means more time you get to spend with the kids. That's good, right?

There was no denying that. He'd been considering putting up that "Now Hiring!" sign for weeks. Demand was strong enough that a little more supply couldn't hurt. And yet...

He heard a crash from upstairs followed by two harmonized giggles. 

They're rooming together too, Carrot. He's not taking up any more space. This is a good thing.

Unconvinced, Carrot Cake read through the "resume" that was unceremoniously slapped on the counter by the stallion carrying his employee. It was identical word for word to Pinkie's, including the name slot. The only differences Carrot could find were the scribbles over Pinkie's name and the sloppy crayon signature of a "Mr. Blintz". 

"I can't... I can't possibly accept this," he muttered to himself.

A slide whistle alerted the town baker to the presence of two pink heads emerging from the stairwell. They no doubt sported matching puppy dog eyes that would break him if he turned his head. 

Futility.

"Pinkie," he called without enthusiasm. "Is Mr. Blintz going to stay with us regardless of my answer?"

A high pitched jingle played as Carrot imagined her nodding. 

"Mr. Blintz, do you have anywhere else to go?"

A lower pitched jingling accompanied Berry's head shaking. 

Mr. Cake could almost see the last of his youthful energy leave him as he sighed and shoved the resume under the counter. 

"You start tomorrow," he half-said and half-groaned, ignoring their celebratory squeaks. "Make sure Pinkie trains you."

Carrot braced himself for some crashing or squeaking when the pink pair got back to whatever the hell they were doing. Then an overwhelming wave of silence passed over him. 

What? Where's the noise? The destruction?

The universe hates to disappoint, but it is really bad at reading tone. 

Thump. 

Thump. 

Thump.

Oh no.

Thump.

No.

Thump.

In my house?

Thump.

They just met!

With horror in his eyes, Carrot craned his neck toward the stairs to find the source of the steady thumping. Not that he would be able to see anything around the corner. Not that he would want to see. So why the hell did he look? Ponies are stupid.

"Honey," said Carrot's darling wife, hooves thumping heavily on the steps. "I think I'm running a fever."

Carrot abruptly collapsed over the counter in a combination of shock and relief.

"Oh my gosh!" she cried, rushing to him. "Are you okay?"

He righted himself as quickly as possible and threw his forelegs around her neck. 

"I'm very okay, cupcake. So what was that about a fever?"

Concern didn't leave Cup Cake's eyes at his assurance. However, her years in the bakery had taught her to let things go. 

No, wait. That was the therapist. Her years at the therapist. Her years at the bakery taught her to bake. 

"I'm sure it's nothing. I was just upstairs and I could have sworn I saw Pinkie riding another Pinkie into her room. I'm losing it, aren't I?"

Carrot chuckled. "We're all losing it, honey. But no, there's nothing wrong with you. That fellow giving Pinkie a lift was Mr. Berry Blintz, our new tenant and employee."

Cup Cake frowned. "Oh? And what do we know about this new pony?"

"According to his resume, he's Pinkie if she was a boy," the stallion answered, reaching over the counter for the document. "Take a look."

She snatched the paper and read, frown intensifying all the while. "This is Pinkie's resume with crayon scribbled over it. How could you hire a pony off of one good word and a forged signature? And how come I was not included in this decision?"

"She gave me the eyes! And so did he! What was I supposed to do?"

"Oh. W-well did you have to offer him our home and business?!" the mare shot back. Although, in the back of her mind, even she could understand the effects of the sad eyes. 

Carrot's ears and head drooped as they always did in an argument with his wife. "He had nowhere else to go. It was wrong of me to leave you out but I- okay look. Nothing is set in stone yet. We have all of tonight to get a read on him. If you see any problems, I'll send him off myself."

Cup Cakes eyes continued to pierce his soul. 

"I-is that okay, dear?" Mr. Cake offered desperately.

The scowl lasted another moment before it morphed into a smile.

"Very okay," she said, pulling him into a hug. "Excellent save, by the way."

The stallion's head collapsed into his wife's mane in relief. "Thanks. I try very hard."

There. Crisis averted. Everything is fine. Very okay, even.

"Also," she added. "You're cleaning up whatever mess they make."

The thought of the mess of two Pinkie's in the kitchen actually did expel the last of his youthful spirit. He watched apathetically as a white mist escaped his mouth and faded into the air. 

"Yes, dear."

Futility.


...


As if the situation wasn't uncomfortable enough, the weather team decided to get an early start on their rain quota. No light sprinkles that almost pleasantly warn ponies to get inside. Oh no. They got right to business with the cold downpour. 

You could say the trees helped somewhat. They could almost be considered shelter if they didn't loose golf ball-sized drops at random

"Does it still hurt?" Butterscotch asked the cub taking shelter under his wings.

The small bear glanced at the makeshift splint on his hind leg and shook his head cheerfully. He then nestled deeper into the pegasus's back. 

It could have been raining lava and that adorable gesture still would have made it all worthwhile for our new yellow friend. 

"That's good. Nothing seems broken, but we'll still want to keep you off of it for a while. Okay?"

He felt a nodding motion rustle his fur. He then heard the gurgling of his little buddy's stomach.

"We'll get you something as soon as we catch up to Fluttershy. She's probably on her way back now."

And yet, the minutes ticked by in the waterlogged Everfree forest. For whatever reason, the overzealous weather crew was sure to make it rain everywhere, which included areas where it would have rained anyway. Regardless, the rain did manage to get one job done. The constant sound and cold sensation helped distract Butterscotch from all the scary monsters that were no doubt behind the passing bushes ready to eat him. 

Wait. Dammit. 

Butterscotch chewed his lip, no longer sure of whether or not he was qualified to protect anyone. 

"We'll find her soon," he reassured again, this time for himself. "I bet she's right around that dark group of scary trees."

Said scary trees chose that time to start shaking as a deep growl filled the air.

"It's the wind!" he cried, no longer walking. "It's definitely the wind!"

Next came some tasteful horror movie stomping, complete with breaking branches and snarls.

"It's fine! Everything is fine!"

The little bear cub couldn't care less, to be honest. Those sounds were par for the course in the Everfree forest. In fact, he was pretty sure he recognized those noises.

"Butterscotch!"

That voice soothed his fear like a tranquilizer, only his heart wouldn't be slowing down any time soon. 

A yellow mare emerged from the thick foliage and rushed to his side. Greetings, however, would have to wait until after the huge mountain of angry fur behind her finished roaring.

"Don't you dare scare me like that again!" the sow screamed, ripping her cub from the stallion's back into a literal bear hug. 

"Um, excuse me miss," the stallion said meekly. "You shouldn't be shaking him so much. We don't know how his leg is yet."

She glanced at the pair of ponies, suddenly terrified. "Leg?! What happened to your leg?!"

"Aw jeez mom. I just bent it weird climbing over a log. I'm fine."

"It is most certainly not fine little boy! Getting lost in the forest and getting hurt. In a storm, no less!" 

The cub avoided eye contact as well as he could.

"What did I tell you not to do?"

"You said not to play alone in the forest."

"And what did you do anyway?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I promise not to run off again."

The sow gently placed her son on her back. "That's good. But I think I'll ground you just to be sure."

"But mom-!"

"But nothing! If it weren't for these two, who knows what might have happened?"

The cub pouted and turned away. "Jimmy's mom lets him play in the forest," he muttered.

"You know what else Jimmy's mom does? She chews his food for him when the poison joke turns his teeth into rubber."

That one shut him up. Family is family, but backwash is gross.

"I swear, that boy is just like his father," mama bear grunted. Her features softened when she turned back to her son's saviors still standing there after her scolding. "Fluttershy, I can't possibly thank you enough. And you as well Mr.Butterscotch I presume?"

The stallion smiled back. "It's no trouble miss. I'm just happy the little guy is okay."

"I'm sure anypony else would have done the same in our position," Fluttershy added. 

"We're lucky to have you two here. We live just west of here if you ever need anything. In fact, would you care to join us for dinner later?"

"Oh we don't want to intrude," the mare answered with her hoof brushing the ground.

Mama bear gave her a flat look. "Honey, you just saved my son's life. Dinner is no trouble."

"I'm sorry. It's just that we have, er, plans later?" Lying was never her best skill. Luckily, she had some support ready.

"Yes!" Butterscotch offered. "Plans. I'm, um, making dinner for us tonight."

"Oh. Oh! Heh. Well then don't mind us. You two have fun! Thanks again!"

"O-okay. Be safe!"

Mama bear nodded and walked off, leaving the two drenched pegasi alone in the woods.

Butterscotch waited until she was out of earshot then leaned in to his double. 

"Why did we lie to her?"

Fluttershy shifted uncomfortably. "Um, they're bears. They usually eat, um, salmon and other...things like that."

The stallion grimaced and tried to change the subject.

"I hope she isn't too hard on him. He was just exploring."

"Mmm," Fluttershy agreed. "She was just worried. He won't be in too much trouble."

It took a while before they realized that they were just standing there. Even longer to realize that it was raining harder than before. And longer still to realize their heads rested on each other.

"I could still make us dinner if you want," he croaked.

Fluttershy allowed herself a soft smile. "O-okay."

And it was a little bit longer before they thought to move.


...



> Careful Planning
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're into bondage, right?"


Integrals



***


Ever have a friend that wouldn't shut up about going outside? "Let's go do something!" they'd say. "It's a beautiful day!"

Those guys suck.

Yeah, it's real freakin' beautiful out there. You know what isn't beautiful? Allergies. And nosebleeds. And phlegm. 

"But it's worth it!" they say, dragging me into the cloud of pollen that is the nearby forest. "Just look!"

But I can't. My eyes are out of commission as are my nostrils. On a related note, did you know most of those pocket tissue packages only hold, like, five tissues? Bullshit. 

Anyway, us homebodies at least get to give those guys a nice "screw you" when something keeps them inside. 

So let's all take a moment to show ol' AJ our favorite hoof. 

"Friggin' weather ponies," the stallion mumbled, looking out at the torrential downpour that forced him out of the orchard. "Barely even got started out there."

"What are you goin' on about?" asked his new host while tossing him a towel. 

"Jus' yellin' at the sky a little," he answered as he set about drying himself. 

Applejack smirked. "Ya know it can't hear ya, right?" she asked.

"Oh harr harr. I'm allowed to be upset with the weather, ain't I? I could'a been out there buckin' apples right now."

"They ain't goin' nowhere, sugar cube. This town's crazy, but the farms don't up an' run away."

AJ tried to give her an unamused look, but found his mild ire caught in his throat at the sight of her messy hair. Her mane, normally tied into two aptly-named ponytails, flowed down the sides of her head, tantalizingly obscuring those little freckles of hers. 

As a result, the stallion rethought his snappy retort. 

"It ain't about that. Okay, it's kind of about that. But it's more about your family. How am I supposed to waltz on into your home without offerin' anything in return?" 

"I reckon you say 'howdy' and leave the rest to me. How's that?"

AJ rolled his eyes. "Well that solves all my problems. How're you gonna 'splain it?"

"AJ, I live here. I'm an adult. I can take in whoever I want. 'sides, do ya really think we're strugglin' so much that we can't handle one more mouth to feed?"

"'course not! From what I'm seein' this here orchard's runnin' like a machine."

"So it's somethin' else, then. What?"

The stallion grimaced under his towel. "Alright. I'm nervous to meet your family, okay?"

"That makes a bit more sense, but it's still one of the silliest things I've heard all day. My family ain't gonna kill ya. They're reasonable ponies."

"I'm sure they are. It's jus'...So we're kind of similar, right?"

"I reckon that's what 'clone' means, sugarcube," Applejack quipped. 

"Well, if my sister came home with some random stallion, I'd be givin' him the third degree to make sure he ain't some good-for-nothin' lowlife."

The mare shrugged. "I can't say they ain't that type of family, but they've got no reason to believe you're no good."

"I know that and you know that, but they don't. To them, I'm some con tryin' to get with their- er- intrude."

"Look AJ, they're gonna be wary 'cause they care. If you make a good impression, they'll treat ya like their own. Best thing for it is to just march on in and do it."

The stallion looked up from his towel with new found confidence. "You're right! Jus' get in there and do it!" 

At that, AJ replaced his hat on his now only damp mane, puffed out his chest, and stormed through the front door.

Silence followed. 

"Oh yeah," Applejack said, almost laughing. "Nopony's home right now. Did I not mention that?"

She followed him inside to see him collapsed on a nearby chair, an exhausted look on his face.

"Yer awful, ya know that?" he asked, his gathered courage rapidly leaving him. 

She went to sit down next to him, snickering all the while. "Actually, I lied. Sorry. Granny's probably upstairs taking her afternoon nap and my siblings'll be out for a while." 

"Great. I have some time 'fore I get to make an ass of myself."

"Alright look," Applejack said, patting his shoulder. "I'm gonna get us something to eat. How about you shut your eyes then I'll come back and try to jog your memory a bit 'bout the family. That oughta get your spirits up."

The stallion scowled and reluctantly covered his face with his hat. 

"First thing I'm doin' here is napping on your couch," he mumbled. "Gonna walk in here and find some jackass passed out on their-"

AJ's complaining was cut short by Applejack's hoof giving him a light but firm thump on his head. 

"Hush up and go to sleep, ya hear? We're gonna start with Granny."


...


"Ow!"

The purple aura around the knob flickered dully before going out altogether. 

"Please stop pushing yourself."

The door opened this time in a slightly darker glow, allowing two unicorns with fast food takeout to escape the rain. 

"It's instinct! I see a door and I go to open it."

Dusk shrugged lightly. "I know. I know. It's just, that looks like it hurts. I don't want to see you in pain, you know?"

The library's manager grimaced and hid her face. Stop acting nice to me like that, she thought. It's making this really difficult.

It wasn't only concern for her well being that was getting to her. It was that whole trip. He materialized their umbrella and held it over them. He kept opening all the doors. Hell, he even had to reach into her pockets to pay for the food. That was uncomfortable.

Okay, not uncomfortable. Something similar, though.

"Meanwhile," Dusk said, glancing about the library. "Where do you want me to set this stuff down?"

"Let's go to the lab. All of my research so far is down there"

His eyes widened with excitement. "Oh! We're getting right to it, huh?"

"If you don't mind, I'd like to." 

I have nothing else for us to do anyway, she thought, trudging toward her cellar door. I really hope this occupies us long enough for me to get my head together.

Twilight nearly tried to open the door before remembering the sharp pain that would likely follow. Instead, she cast a sheepish look to her clone behind her. 

"I got it," he said, opening yet another door. "Lead the way."

The unicorns made their way down the gently curving staircase to Twilight's cellar-turned-lab. The walls held remnants of a previous time when it was just another, albeit less popular, floor of the library. The shelves were lined with dusty tomes and scientific equipment, the latter of which seeing much more use as of late. 

Now one might wonder why such a book-loving pony would neglect such a great collection of literature and information. Well, let's just say that some less-than-academic books find their way into the library and one librarian may be forbidden by law to burn them. Regardless of law, no self-respecting bookworm would let a work in favor of the heliocentric theory see the light of day. 

Dominating the center of the room, where there was no asinine dribble, were Twilight's many contraptions. Ominous green fluid flowed through ominous swirling tubes into an ominous chair with leg restraints and a large "helmet" looming overhead. The officials called in by an anonymous tip reluctantly concluded that the machines were "not entirely malicious" before being kicked out. 

"Bring back any memories, Dusk?"

"Nothing in particular," he answered while clearing off a table for their fast food. "Are we even sure that's going to happen?"

"I'm not sure of anything anymore. But you can check my notes."

"Right. Notes." Dusk scanned the room for notes, finding none. "Um."

"You're holding them," Twilight said, allowing a slight smile.

"Huh?" Dusk turned to the mass of papers in his magical grasp, the majority of which were neatly titled 'Duplication' in bold text. "Oh. Those."

The stallion proceeded to place all four hooves in his mouth while burying his face in the knowledge. 

Come on, Dusk. Pay attention. You don't want to look like a dork in front of her. I mean, not that you need to impress her for something since you're not- 

"Could you, uh, put the food down while you read?" Twilight asked. "I missed breakfast today."

Dammit, Dusk! You're such a dork!

He set the food down on the newly cleaned portion of the table. "Sorry. I can't seem to get it together today."

"You and me both," she responded while she carefully reached into the bag of fast food. "So, uh, it's been a while since I've eaten normal food with my hooves, let alone fast food. Sorry if I seem like a slob."

"Hey, it's your house. Do whatever you want. I'll probably be just as messy with mine even with my magic."

A quiet spurting sound drew him out of his magic lesson. Next to him, he saw Twilight with her two front hooves clamped together, ketchup flowing out of a small packet onto them. 

"You were saying?" she said, trying to laugh it off. 

Dusk joined her giggling and fished a low quality napkin out of the bag for her. 

"And in addition to that," she said while wiping her hooves. "They seem to have only given us two packets. You can have the other one." 

"Actually, I think I have a better idea."

The stallion put away the notes and held up their other ketchup packet. His eyes narrowed in concentration as it appeared to tremble in his magical grasp. Then, in a flash of purple light, an additional packet fell to the floor under the first.

"Wow! That's pretty cool!" he exclaimed, bringing the samples of cloned ketchup together. 

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "The spell? Or the fact that you just learned it in a matter of minutes?"

"The spell of course," he said, rolling his eyes. "I mean, I can see how complex it might be but the way you described it here is just the picture of elegance and efficiency. Relative efficiency, that is. That little thing took more energy than it should have."

The mare tried her best to ignore the compliment and to continue the conversation. For the sake of them both. 

"And that seems to be the problem we're going to run into in terms of application. Duplication is far to taxing to perform on a grand scale, which precludes any and all industrial applications. If you think this one's bad, you should have seen the one Rarity made."

Dusk tore himself away from the mesmerizing twin ketchup packets in confusion. "What the heck was Rarity doing inventing spells?"

"Trying to clone her precious gems, I believe."

"Instead of just, you know, finding more?"

Twilight flipped back her mane, blinked daintily, and put on her best posh accent. "Oh there simply wasn't enough time, darling! I had an order!"

Dusk held back a snicker.

"And you know what she got?" she went on. "A clone of Rainbow Dash. Whom she then sent to me because I didn't have enough to deal with."

"It's not all bad," Dusk suggested. "I mean we're studying new magic now as a result, right?"

"You're right. It's just not how I planned to spend my week, you know?"

He nodded and pulled out his sandwich. "Speaking of plans, where exactly do you want to begin with this whole thing."

"Aw jeez. I was hoping you'd have an idea. To be honest, I didn't get too far into it before finding the -uh- the Attraction. That kind of threw me off course. Then other stuff got in the way and now I have no plan and no organization."

Dusk directed all of his attention at the fried food before him at her mention of the Attraction. He didn't want to waste all the progress he'd made ignoring that cute little smile she makes when she-

Dammit!

"Tell you what, Dusk," Twilight started. "I'm going to shove my face into this junk food and when we're done, we can just compare basic properties of an object with those of its duplicate. By the time we've exhausted that list, we should have found something interesting to pursue. Does that sound like a plan?"

The stallion shrugged as he gulped down a bite of saturated fat and sugar. 

"Any port in a storm, I guess."


...


On the pinkest bed in the pinkest room in the sweetest house in Ponyville, the pinkest pony popped her head out of her overfilled duffle bag.

"Ok Berry! Read me the list!"

The other pinkest pony pulled a pen and paper from his poofy hair. "You got it, Pinky!" 

The stallion squinted his eyes and stuck out his tongue in concentration. Maybe reading for the first time ever is difficult or something.

"Costumes?"

"Check!"

"Slingshot?"

"Check!"

"Cannon?"

"Check!"

"Key to the underground tunnels?"

"Check!"

"Marshmallows?"

"Che- oh wait. Didn't we finish those?"

Pinkie looked up to see her clone popping their last of thier marshmallows into his mouth. "Hm?"

"Oh no! Now what will we eat on the mission?!"

Berry swallowed and checked the list again. "The backup marshmallows?"

Pinkie stuck her head in the bag again then returned with her huge smile. "Check-eroonie!"

"Then that's everything! We're all set."

"Awesome! Let's move out! Operation: Ice Breaker is a go!"

Pinkie threw her bag over her back and scurried away as fast as her little legs could carry her. She soon found that she had not made it through the doorway as her hooves did not touch the ground.

"We can't go now, Pinkie!" Berry said with his back on the ground and his double balanced on his hooves. 

"Why not?"

"We have to sneak around under the cover of darkness! There's a whole costume set designed for that situation. We can't waste it!"

Pinkie stopped her peddling and hopped back onto her bed, hooves sticking up limply. "But I don't wanna wait! I wanna help them now!"

"We have to! For the sake of the joke!"

The mare sighed in defeat. Surely, jokes trumped all silly mortal desires. She'd just have to wait until dark.

"Hey Berry?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you uncheck the backup marshmallows?"

"Are you eating the backup marshmallows, Pinkie?"

"...Maybe..." she answered with her full mouth.

"Can I have one?"

Instincts warned him of the blob of sugar that would fall over the edge of the bed, so he opened his mouth to catch it.

"Fank you."


...



> First Supper
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Something about eating out."


Integrals



***


"Dreadful," Rarity mumbled. "Absolutely dreadful."

Really, how could tonight not be dreadful? Here she was eating the meal she prepared for herself and her guest while said guest was nowhere to be found. 

Of course by "nowhere" we mean "a few rooms over". If you placed your ear to the door and listened, you would be able to hear several sewing machines working at once as well as a few mumbled curses directed at the occupant himself.  Not that Rarity was listening in too often or anything. 

"I'll just check one more time," she said to herself. Again.

So she got up from her meticulously planned dinner for two to see how number two was doing. Down the hall she walked, the sounds of rambling and sewing growing louder all the while. At least the food she left out for him was no longer sitting at the door. 

Rarity knocked hesitantly. "Elusive? Are you-"

"Wait!" he shouted, interrupting her. "Don't come in!"

The mare backed away from the door, somewhat frightened. "I wouldn't dream of it, dear. I just want to make sure you're still alive. Have you eaten?"

"Eaten? Oh, um, yes! I've eaten. It was delicious. Thank you very much."

Rarity scowled at the sound of him taking what she suspected was his first bite of his salad and briefly considered saying something. 

Well, I suppose I've been guilty of skipping a meal due to work as well. Still...

"You're quite welcome. Listen, are you sure you don't want any help? If you're worried about me interfering, I promise I'll be nothing more than an extra pair of hooves."

"No thank you, Rarity. I'm fine. I swear it," he said in the tone of a pony who was decidedly not fine. 

Rarity's hoof hung limply against the door, a pained expression on her face.

I'd understand if he wanted to keep his vision intact, but I only want to assist with his busy work. What could be the problem? Does he think I am unfit for his work? While I admit I have not had much success in the realm of male clothing, I certainly know my way around a garment at its most basic form. Right?

Her mental questions fell on def ears seeing as her therapy mannequins were nowhere nearby. The silence did nothing for her confidence. 

Fine, then. Suppose I am unskilled. He could at least stand to let me in. Am I such unpleasant company that locking himself away is the better choice?

Silence answered her again and, like the asshole it is, paid her feelings no mind. 

The machines beyond the wall continued to whir, Elusive no doubt lost in his work once again. He'd likely forgotten their conversation already.

"I can tell you are very busy" she said through gritted teeth. "I won't bother you. However, keep in mind that we must see to your memories at some point. I'm told the headaches were awful."

She lingered for a moment longer, waiting for his answer. Perhaps he was concentrating or finishing a few stitches.

"Oh- of course. Of course. Thank you."

Or perhaps he hadn't heard a word she said. 

His feeble reply only agitated Rarity further on her way back to her dinner for one. 

Simply dreadful.


...


Ya know, this is actually goin' pretty well, AJ thought in his accent. 

No terrible misfortunes found their way to our new country stallion's spot at the Apple family dinner table. No undue questioning, no beatings. Hell, he even managed to avoid a supposedly awful headache in his nap. He awoke with all sorts of memories of Applejack's family and all it cost him was a minor crick in the neck.

Don't sleep on couches.

"Hey Mr. AJ," drawled the small filly in front of him. "How come yer' eatin' so slow?"

The high pitched voice drew the stallion's attention away from his recent fortune and to the cute little pony who by all means should have been his sister. He knew better, though. Applejack was sure to explain earlier that, despite being a clone and extremely similar to his counterpart by definition, he was not related in any meaningful way to any of the Apple family. Oddly enough, that included Applejack. 

AJ couldn't bring himself to be too upset about this. 

"Don't you go harassin' the poor fella," the green mare at the head of the table said to her granddaughter. "Our lil' Applejack 'ere ain't bringin' home many stallions. Let's not scare this one off too soon, eh?"

"Granny!" Applejack objected.

"Why's she gotta bring home stallions, granny?" Applebloom asked while tilting her head and massive bow. "Should ah' be tryin' to bring home stallions?"

"Not yet, dearie," Granny Smith answered quickly. 

"Ah' don't think ah' like any stallions," the filly thought out loud. "'cept you, Mac."

She gave AJ an inquisitive look. "Ah'm not too sure 'bout you yet."

The table broke into snickers at the filly's string of naive and blunt quips. AJ laughed along with them until he noticed the stallion little Applebloom supposedly approved of. 

Big Mac, Applejack's big brother, sat stone faced in his seat. His mouth seemed only to move in order to take slow bites from his meal. This in itself wasn't alarming. AJ's copied memories rarely showed that particular stallion emoting at something as frivolous as dinner conversation. What was alarming was his blank stare.

Rather, his constant blank stare directed at AJ since he sat down. 

Still, Granny went on. "Applebloom's got a point, though. You've been quiet as a jackrabbit in a funeral ever since we got here. Tell us 'bout yerself."

"Ain't much to tell," he answered with a shrug. "Been a farmer as long as ah' remember. To be honest, nothin' interestin's happened to me until ah' showed up here in Ponyville."

That's technically true, he mentally justified. 

"So then ah' met Applejack here at the library. We got to talkin', she said she lives on a farm, ah' said ah' needed work, and here we are."

Also true. This is workin' out fine.

"Meanwhile," Applejack piped up. "AJ's gonna be livin' an' workin' here for a while. Anypony mind?"

Applebloom shrugged, Granny shot her eldest daughter a subtle grin, and Mac did't seem to do anything. "Seem" being the important word here.

Upon closer inspection, AJ found the rigid line that was Mac's mouth to curve ever so slightly downwards at his sister's last words. 

Uh oh. Ah' don't like the look o' that.

Again, Granny seemed to know exactly when to talk to interrupt his thoughts. 

"Now, why would we mind a few extra hooves? 'specially if that cutie mark o' yours means what ah' think it means."

AJ glanced down at the apples on his flank. "Ah' do know my way around an orchard, if that's what you're askin'."

Raising his gaze ever so slightly, the stallion found his little not-sister staring intently at his ass. 

"Say, mister AJ?" she said. "How come you got the same cutie mark as Applejack?"

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the attention to his flank. His double, meanwhile, stared in disbelief at her sister's behavior. 

"Applebloom! What'd ah' say 'bout boundaries?"

"C'mon! Ah' gotta learn as much as 'ah can 'bout this stuff. Maybe he can tell me how to get one like yours an' his."

AJ scrunched up his muzzle trying to think of a way to explain. " Ah' suppose there are only so many ways you can make an apple cutie mark. Could just mean ah' got the same talent as AJ."

Applebloom looked up at him hopefully, eyes as big as her bow. "Well how'd ya get it?! Did ya go on a journey to see your other family but then realize that their meals are too small and they talk funny?"

"Ya see," he started, just barely coming up with his story as he had to tell it. "Ah' don't rightly know how ah' got my cutie mark. Sorta' just popped up one day. Had to be reminded that it was there. Meanwhile, ah' already knew what ah' wanted to do by the time ah' ever saw it."

Don't ask questions! Don't ask questions! Please don't ask questions!

Applebloom's eyes somehow bulged in surprise and narrowed in anger at the same time. Multiple times she moved her mouth to speak but failed to form words. Perhaps it was a tad shocking to see somepony refer to your loftiest goal with such a cavalier attitude. 

"You don't know," she mumbled to herself, plodding back to her chair. "It just showed up one day."

"Ah'm sorry?" AJ offered meekly.

"You don't know how you got your cutie mark."

"Well, ah' guess it had to be farmin' or-"

"Sorry, Mr. AJ. It's just- you don't even..." the filly kept cutting herself short, mind thoroughly boggled. "Granny, may ah' be excused?"

She didn't wait for an answer, so the table could only watch as the youngest Apple slowly walked out of the room and upstairs. Shortly after, they heard a slammed door and a single muffled word.

"HOW?!"

All eyes fell on the evening's guest of honor, who genuinely wished he could retreat into his hat right about then. 

Alright, he thought. That could've gone a little better.


...


Fluttershy didn't dare to think.

Unfortunately, there was little else left to do. Despite their little excursion into the Everfree, Fluttershy and her new clone managed to finish the day's tasks in record time. Every little critter quickly found themselves with a full stomach, a clean coat, and a tidied living space thanks to one familiar and one new yellow pegasus. Said pegasi were the only ones left in need of a meal and some rest. However, Butterscotch wouldn't even let Fluttershy help with the former, making good on his earlier promise of dinner. 

So there she sat, warming her still damp mane under a large blanket next to her humble fireplace. By all means, this was exactly where she wanted to be on a stormy night. It was perfect.

Much too perfect. 

Where were the mishaps? The crises? The dramatic irony? She couldn't take a trip to the market without having to get an awful life lesson from a brutish minotaur. Yet here she was with a stallion in her home. A stallion that was making her dinner no less! Things like this don't happen. Not without serious repercussions to balance out her fortune. Heaven forbid Fluttershy got too happy!

The moment she thought at all about her situation, the universe would find her. It would find her and put her right back in her place because the universe is mean and not nice and-

"It's ready."

"Oh!"

Fluttershy jumped at the sound of not the deep voice of the mean universe, but the gentle whisper of the aforementioned stallion. He slowly walked to her side, laying two bowls between them and the fire. 

"I'm sorry if it's not good," he said with a sheepish smile. "I don't think I'm much of a cook."

It might have been her hunger influencing her, but the soup definitely smelled like it was beyond good. 

She offered him a smile of her own. "It's perfect. Won't you sit down?"

Butterscotch scanned the room for a spot but his eyes came to rest back on Fluttershy, who had already lifted the end of her blanket for him to join.

He shuffled in next to her, trying not to seem too eager to be back at her side. Soon enough, he found himself surrounded by pleasant warmth on all sides.

He waited for panic to set in for making physical contact with Fluttershy without any excuse, but nothing came. No dry mouth, no racing heart, and no embarrassed blush covering his entire face. One might even venture to call him "content". 

They ate their dinner in silence, the rain outside and the crackling fire before them providing a calm soundtrack to their supper. In lieu of conversation, the two simply stole quick glances at each other. Occasionally their eyes would meet, sending both their gazes back to their emptying bowls. Their smiles, however, remained intact. 

Time lost its meaning to them, their minds only vaguely aware that their fire had become embers. The stopped time did not keep them from moving, however. It did not keep her head from it's new favorite spot back on his shoulder, nor his wing from curling around her side.

"Thank you for everything today," Fluttershy murmured, Luna doing her best to claim her. 

"But I didn't do anything," her clone answered just as softly. "I should be thanking you."

"Me? But you helped me with the critters and cooked for us."

"And you let me stay here and helped make me."

"Well, you stayed with the cub in the forest and tended to his leg."

"Well, you went out alone to find his mother."

"Well you..." Fluttershy pouted, failing to think of an additional deed of his for which she could be grateful. Ponies didn't usually try this hard to deflect gratitude back at her. 

"Um." Butterscotch struggled as well. A pony could do only so much in a day. 

"Can I at least thank you for being here?" she offered.

The stallion smiled. "As long as I can thank you for having me."

"Deal."

They returned to their fire watching. In the absence of conversation and food, both found their eyelids heavy and their seats comfortable enough to call beds for the night. Unfortunately, a thought entered Fluttershy's that prevented her from drifting off just yet.

"Butterscotch?" she asked softly. 

"Hm?" Sure enough, he sounded as though he'd been dreaming already.

"I think we still have to do the memory thing."

"Oh. Right."

"Do you want to do that now?"

Butterscotch was certain he didn't want to do anything right then. He wasn't sure he'd want to do anything but lie right where he was forever. 

"I guess we should," he said reluctantly. "It is getting kind of late."

"Okay. I'll show you your room," she said, equally disappointed.

"Okay."

Minutes passed without either pegasus making any attempt to rise. Not that they would know, what with time stopping and all that. 

"Fluttershy?"

"Hm?"

"Can we stay here a bit longer?"

"Mhm."


...


Honestly, AJ would have preferred to do dishes. He'd offered and was more than ready to atone for the earlier cutie mark incident. However, before the table was even cleared, Big Mac excused AJ and himself to "talk". 

It wasn't the awful weather that made staying indoors more appealing. Although, the black skies, pouring rain, and frequent thunder certainly would have made that understandable. Rather, it was Mac's face.

That blank stare across the dinner table had blossomed into full blown disapproval when they were out of sight of the others. It was still just a stare, mind you. No talking just yet. Only slow pacing on the porch.

"Uh, Mac?" AJ began hesitantly. "Can I call you Mac? Listen, if this is 'bout that whole cutie mark thing, ah'm mighty sorry for all that. Applejack had already told me 'bout her obsession and ah' just up and forgot. If there's anything ah' can do-"

The red stallion wordlessly silenced him with a shake of his head. 

"Er, that ain't it?"

Another shake.

"Did ah' sit in your spot at the table? Now, ah' specifically asked your sister- this still ain't it, huh?"

A nod this time. 

AJ growled in frustration. "Then what the hay is it?! You ain't gonna hear what you wanna hear if ah'm the only one talkin'. Spit it out."

That one elicited a full sigh. Must have hit a nerve or something to get that kind of reaction. 

"Ah' can't get a read on you," he said.

AJ blinked, almost startled by his sudden speech. Still, the clone opted for a cocky attitude. "He talks! So, what? Want me to read it for ya?"

Mac continued, ignoring the quip. "Everything you said back there was true."

"Yeah?"

"But you tried real hard not to say everything."

"Heh heh," AJ laughed nervously, the tough facade dropped. "Dang. Was it that obvious?"

Although his face didn't change in the slightest, Mac suddenly seemed much more sinister. "We don't take kindly to that sort of thing here," he said.

"You think ah' enjoyed doin' that? Ah' got reasons. "

"What reasons?"

AJ opened his mouth with conviction, but found little to follow his claims. "Er, hold on. ah' know they told me why at some point."

Mac let out a breath that would have been a sigh had it had any energy whatsoever. "You're gonna have to tell me something before ah' let you any closer to this family."

The Apple Family's guest couldn't say he appreciated the distrust, but he certainly understood it. After all, without any more information, he was exactly what he had told Applejack earlier. An intruder. 

"Look. ah' made a promise to your sister and her friends. Ah' ain't allowed to tell ya where ah' came from."

The larger stallion genuinely reacted to AJ for the first time that night. His brow furrowed into a more pensive position while his hooves moved to a position in which he was less able to send a pony to the hospital. 

"Applejack made ya promise?"

"Eyup. And she knows the truth to begin with."

Mac stopped in his tracks at those words, his gaze turned instead to his hooves. AJ stopped with him and realized that Mac had been slowly forcing him farther and farther from the front door. To his relief, Mac began to retreat to the entrance. He beckoned for AJ to follow. 

"So that's it?" AJ asked while inching close to the door.

He shrugged. "Ah' trust my sister. She seems to trust you. Outta my hooves."

"I just say her name and the talk's over?"

Evidently not. Mac thrust a hoof in front of AJ before he could reenter the house with all the witnesses. 

"What is it now, big guy? It's a bit splashy out here."

The red stallion again adopted his blank stare, turning to his guest. "You sweet on her?"

Am I? he thought. Ah' mean, she's cute. And nice. And she works hard. And ah' wanna sit with her on the hill and stare at the sunset- ah'll be here all night if ah' keep this up.

"Yeah," he said after his pause. "Ah' reckon ah' am."

"You won't hurt her," he continued.

"Uh, no? Why would ah' do that?"

Mac turned back to AJ and placed a hoof on his shoulder. "No. You won't hurt her," he said, emphasizing the "won't" with a seemingly small portion of his weight on his raised hoof. 

A weaker stallion would have found himself to be part of the house's foundation right then. However, thanks to inheriting the Apple family's strength, AJ avoided completely buckling under the pressure.

"Oh," he muttered, winded from the herculean effort of standing. "Wasn't a question."

"Are we clear?"

"Crystal," AJ panted. "What the hay are you eatin' to do that?"

This time, Mac stared at his guest not as if he was a threat, but a dumb ass.

"Uh, apples?"


...


Most ponies react negatively to finding their belongings not how they left them. Most ponies react even more negatively to finding their spatial reasoning questioned. 

However, most ponies don't have the jaded mind of a several thousand-year-old alicorn. Most ponies also are not intimately familiar with chaos incarnate. 

Celestia walked through to doorway out of her chambers expecting to see the broad hallways of her castle. She managed not to react when she found herself in the center of one of Canterlot's higher-end restaurants. She didn't even panic when she found the door through which she had entered was no longer there. She was a tad disturbed by the golden evening gown that had appeared on her back, but it did match her jewelry quite nicely.

Wait! What about my-!

Celestia whipped her right hoof to her face, but breathed a sigh of relief when she found it covered in a white stocking.

That was close. For once, I'm glad he has that obscene interest in these things. I don't need anypony seeing that just yet.

Luckily, the establishment appeared to be closed with not a single soul in the dining area and few lights to see her in the first place.

"Not even a day," Celestia said out loud. "And what do we have? Spatial distortion, abduction, and breaking and entering? The others I understand, but that last one seems far too mundane for your tastes."

A tall figure snaked its way to her side from behind her, closer than most dared to be to a princess. 

"I'll have you know that my entrance involved no breaking whatsoever," the creature said. "As for the abduction, you're free to leave whenever you'd like. But won't you please stay for dinner?"

Celestia sighed. "Well, it has been a long day."

She had scarcely a moment before a floating chair swept her off her hooves and carried her to the nearest table. 

"Excellent choice, my dear!" exclaimed the creature's silhouette from across the table. "What would you like?"

"Let's start with some light, hm?" Celestia waved her horn about, lighting every candle in the room with her signature pyrokinesis. Luckily, local ordinance required all self-proclaimed "Fancy" restaurants to be lit entirely by candles after seven o'clock at night. 

Under the dim orange light, which was just bright enough to see the bill but not bright enough to see that your food was under cooked, the princess could finally see her surprise date. 

The light hit Discord a noticeable time after the lights went on. Perhaps this was meant to give him time to set up his dashing grin or to unstraighten his bow tie. Still, no amount of extra time could make his orange suit and hat remotely acceptable.

"I like that color on you," Celestia complimented while picking up her menu. "It's a shame it clashes so much with everything."

"Oh, this old thing? I just thought I needed something new after wearing that awful gray all those years."

The princess cringed at the reminder. "Discord, I-"

"No!" he interrupted. "None of that. We are having fun tonight."

"Are you sure-"

"Tell me what you've done today aside from freeing me. Surely Equestria hasn't grown that dull in my absence, right?"

"Well, I can't speak for everypony, but my life has been fairly uneventful these past few years. When things do happen, it's usually my student Twilight that takes care of them. She and her friends handled my sister's return and your escape for the most part."

Discord uneasily felt around his newly grown horns at the mention of those little ponies. "Yes. They're a resourceful bunch, aren't they?"

"My only other story would be the changeling invasion. I tried to do my part, but I was rather out of practice with my combat magic."

"Changelings," the draconequus spat. "Why would a race so good at changing shape choose to look exactly the same all the time?"

"Odd that that's the part you object to as opposed to their siege of Canterlot."

"Hm? Oh, of course. That too," he added in a completely genuine manner. 

"Anyway, how did your, er, meeting in Ponyville go?"

Discord's jaw suddenly felt out of place. "I was lucky to have caught them all in the same place. They must have been having a sleepover or whatever it is they do these days. They were not so hospitable at first, but your intervention at least stopped their yelling."

"Goodness! Were they that hurtful?"

"There was definitely some pain going around, yes."

"I can't really blame them, but I didn't think they'd resort to that."

"Yes, who would have thought? After that, they answered my offer of friendship with a polite 'not yet' and sent me on my way. Not too bad of an outcome, all things considered."

"Is that all? They yelled, partially forgave you, then you left?"

"Let me think. Oh yes! The purple one cloned everypony and the pink one threw sugarless pudding at me."

Celestia managed to blanch at what he said, despite her already white coat. "What was that first one?"

"Some other time," Discord dismissed. "We've kept our waiter waiting far too long as it is, haven't we?"

"Waiter?"

Celestia turned to see a floating tuxedo waiting by their table. Somehow, the faceless garment managed to look impatient. 

"I'm sorry, sir. I would like the, um..." She trailed off, realizing she hadn't been paying attention to the menu in the slightest. How could she be expected to read at a time like this? Discord was back! They should have been catching up or talking or something. 

"You know what?" she asked, tossing her menu aside. "Surprise me."

Don't ask Discord to surprise you if you aren't prepared to be thoroughly and completely surprised.

In an instant, the tuxedo was gone, as were most of the tables surrounding the party of two. Said party found themselves teleported several meters away into the center of the newly created gap. 

Celestia gasped, wobbling on two hooves until a lion's paw curled around her waist to support her. "What are you-"

The sudden spotlight didn't blind her. You'd find it difficult to blind the pony that controls the sun. It was still disorienting nonetheless.

"Discord, let me dow-!"

The princess was not prepared for the dip, but her desperate attempt to clutch at her partner's neck worked well with the quick notes on a piano coming from nowhere. 

Nothing else popped out of the aether, finally giving Celestia time to breathe and process the situation. Discord's misshapen head loomed above her, his smile as wild and carefree as ever. This morning, she could only have dreamed that she'd ever see her old friend again. But here he was, talking, dancing, and laughing with her as if he'd never left.

"How's that for a surprise, princess?"

A warmth she hadn't known in millennia welled up in her chest, pulsing in time with her heart. Without needing to think, pulled his head closer until they're lips finally, gloriously reunited. 

Few ponies have ever seen Discord's eyes bulge in shock. Unfortunately, Celestia missed her chance to join them as her own eyes had already closed.

She broke their kiss abruptly, satisfied to find that she could still leave him gasping like a flustered teenager. 

"It's a start," she whispered, smirking while she righted herself for the next step of their dance. "Shall we?"

Her partner matched her smile and pulled her closer.

"We shall."


...

> Operation: Icebreaker
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Let's slip into something more comfortable."


Integrals



***


"Agent B. Report."

A cloaked figure halted his mad dash through the forest and frantically checked his surroundings. The device on his belt buzzed again, threatening to break through the sonic cover of the night's storm. 

"Agent B! Report!"

The figure glanced angrily at his utility belt before returning his eyes to his surroundings. There was no telling who or what was waiting for him in the darkness, but none of them could learn of the plan. He bolted off again, paying extra attention to his unconventional senses. An itch here or a twitch there or-

There!

Lightning severed the black sky, it's light blinding even under the thick canopy above. Most would consider blindness a hindrance, but not Agent B. In fact, he was counting on it. 

To a casual observer, he would have appeared to vanish behind a passing tree. A more knowledgeable observer would have perceived the same thing. In fact, few ponies could ever hope to witness his lightning-quick leap into the trees above.

Agent B grabbed his communicator while falling back to the earth, pinpointing a secure branch to land on.

"Berry! Do you copy!"

"Pinkie!" Berry whined into his aluminum can while he landed silently on the treetops. "You didn't use the code name!"

"Neither did you! And you weren't answering! I was worried!"

"I had to find a secure area! I had to maintain radio silence until then!" The stallion paused and then allowed a smile to creep onto his face. "Were you really that worried about me?"

"Of course!" she squeaked. "I can't have my Berry getting captured by the enemy yet. I haven't even thrown you a birthday party yet."

"Birthday party? But it's not my birthday."

"Yeah it is! You turned zero today!"

"Oh my gosh! I'm so old!"

"Yup. You're gonna have more responsibilities and independence soon. Speaking of responsibilities- ahem. Agent B! Report!"

Berry instinctively saluted on his perch, causing him to nearly lose his footing. "Ma'am! The secondary objective has been completed, ma'am!"

"Then you- wait. Really?"

"Yuppers. We've got a full cuddle situation."

"Wow," Pinkie remarked. "That was fast! How'd you do it?"

"That's the best part! I didn't have to do anything! I sneaked up to the window, took a peak, and boom! They're fast asleep in front of the fireplace."

"In this storm?!"

"Uh huh! You should have seen them all curled up. It was adorable!"

Berry could almost feel her pout over the can communicator. "I wanna see flutter-butter hugs."

"There's no time for that now, Pinkie! We have to focus on the primary objective!"

"Fine. Make your way over to me and we'll attack together."

The stallion shouted an affirmative into his can and resumed leaping through the trees. 

"Say, Pinkie?" Berry asked.

"Pinkie."

"That's not what I meant, silly! How will I find you?"

"You see the string sticking out of the can you're holding?"

"Uh huh."

"Follow the string. And hurry! They're barely talking to each other! It's super awkward!"


...


The rhythm of testing usually relaxed her. Just slightly alter the independent variable. Measure everything before and after. Cut and dry. Just follow the steps. 

Step one: Measure dimensions and mass of the object and duplicate.

Step two: Place the objects in direct contact on a flat surface, clamping the original so it cannot move.

Step three: Glance at Dusk and wonder what his mane feels like. It looks kind of messy. Why would his look like that if I always keep mine neat? I mean it's not bad-looking or anything. It's actually kind of cu-oh gosh he saw you! Look away now! Crap!

Step four: Attach the pulling apparatus to the duplicate and activate it. On the resulting graph of force vs. time, note the maximum force. That is the force required to separate the objects.

Step five: Dwell on the thought of him seeing you seeing him and try to accept the fact that he's going to think you're weird. But you are weird. That's fine. He doesn't have to like you or anything. You don't like him, right? So why would it matter? Besides, even if you did feel that way, you can't act on it. No. Never. Psh. Like that was ever a possibility. Acting on it. You can't act on anything. You're looking again. 

Twilight released the pencil from her teeth and wiped off her tongue. "I feel like a child," she murmured, eyes wandering back to her notebook. 

Her companion turned away from his work. "Why's that?"

"Here I am doing these juvenile experiments with what could easily be mistaken for children's toys," the mare complained while gesturing at her materials. "Meanwhile, my writing looks like I left my notebook on a seismograph and kicked it repeatedly."

Dusk had to admit that those cubes bore a striking resemblance to those blocks foals play with while learning to spell. "Oh wow. We even wrote those letters on them."

"Not helping, Dusk."

"Sorry. But hey. The simple methods work. That's why we use them."

"Do they really? Because I've never discovered any formulas before. For all we know, all of science up to this point has just been a coincidence."

"Whoa there," the stallion chuckled. "Let's not get into induction right now. I don't think either of us is in a philosophical mood."

"Oh my gosh," Twilight said, hanging her head. "I just sounded like a liberal arts student. What's happening to me?"

"Magical depletion, probably. Are you sure you're okay to continue? It's not like there's a deadline or anything."

"I'm fine," she asserted. "Just give me a few more minutes here then we can get started."

Dusk pursed his lips in response to her terse tone. Did I say something wrong? Dammit dude, stop blowing it! I mean, there's nothing to blow but- Look just stop it.

Both ponies turned glumly back to their tasks, thoroughly convinced that they were screwing up. In fact, they were so busy with their perceived failure, that neither noticed a book on the far wall slip into the shelf to make room for two pairs of eyes in the darkness beyond. 


...


The shaft of light that followed the book's removal revealed that the secret underground rooms surrounding the library were, in fact, just the broad spaces between the bookshelves and the actual walls. It had hardwood flooring and even a few electrical outlets scattered about. Whoever installed those shelves must not have cared that much to leave so much wasted space. 

Well, wasted up until now.

"Hey Pinky?" Berry asked from behind the discarded book. "What's homeopathy?"

The pink mare quickly shushed her accomplice and returned to her spying. "All I know is that we're not supposed to judge them for being that way," she whispered out the side of her mouth. 

"For being what way?"

"Homeopathic. We can talk about that later. Remember the mission?"

"Oh yeah! Ahem. What's the status of our targets?"

"They're standing there in silence, glancing at each other. Twilight keeps scrunching up her face all angry and stuff. Oh! And they're playing with building blocks!"

"Ooh, that sounds fun."

"Er, it doesn't look fun." Pinkie shook her head in disbelief. "How can somepony make building blocks look boring?"

Berry extended his flexible eyes through his double's spy hole. "Are those notes?! They're taking notes?! Pinkie, we have to do something."

Ever the optimist, Pinkie kept her smile in the face of disaster. "That's why we're here, my little apprentice," she said, patting her padawan on the shoulder. "Ready our weapons. Tonight, we go to war!"

"Already done, ma'am."

Pinkie's determined gaze into the distance suddenly fell. "What?"

Looking up, she found a series of improvised pipes feeding from their tunnel into several spots along the tall shelves. They were certainly not there before. 

"Wow," she muttered. "Is this what it feels like when I do that? No wonder everypony freaks out when I'm around!"

The whirring of heavy machinery just barely reached the pink intruders as their first weapon came to life. 

"Let's get started on the cocoa," Berry said, rubbing his forehooves together. "It's about to get cold in here."


...


It's one of the first things you do in chemistry class. I mean actually do. You put some stuff in a big old dripper and measure how many drips it takes for something to happen. It usually takes one pony maybe five minutes to do a trial. Using two would be silly. A waste of resources.

I guess we do silly things when we're tired, like crowd around a small table cluttered with papers and lab instruments. Or use inefficient powering spells to turn on said instruments instead of finding an outlet. 

"Do you smell something?"

Twilight's stalwart companion shifted beside her, craning his head awkwardly above hers to operate the buret. With only one magically capable unicorn around, no amount of space would allow them to spread out. 

"I'm actually trying not to smell anything right now."

Twilight would have smacked her forehead if her hooves weren't full. "Oh yeah. Fumes. We probably shouldn't be inhaling this stuff, should we?"

"Huh? Oh, fumes. Yeah, that's right."  Dusk chuckled nervously, glancing down at the deep purple mane that had been grabbing him all night.

How the heck does it smell like that? I've been with her the whole day. Shampoo doesn't last that long. I don't think she's the type to wear perfume. What the hell is it, then? Is this the attraction? Does it manifest as the greatest smell ever? This is maddening!

"This stuff isn't that bad," he continued, rolling with the lie. "But you can't be too careful." 

"I wish more ponies around here were careful. You know, I wanted to install a fume hood in here. Of course, the contractor had no clue what I was talking about. So, after I described it to him, he put a window in my closet upstairs."

"A window? He thought you wanted a window?"

"Right? We happened to be in a library. Look up the word if you don't know it. Anyway, now the town gets a nice look at my wardrobe every morning and we get to inhale hazardous chemicals."

"Everypony wins!" Dusk cheered blandly. 

Twilight chuckled and moved to another table, much to the disappointment of her lab partner. She then frowned and sniffed the air.

"There it is again! I smell rain or something."

"Well, it is raining."

"I'm aware. However, that smell doesn't usually get inside, let alone reach the basement."

The stallion distanced himself from the fumes, which happened to leave him right by Twilight's side again. Sure enough, he detected the distinct odor of plant oils as if he'd just walked outside on a rainy morning. He could almost feel the cool air on his face and the frost on the grass. He imagined his breath as a visible cloud beyond his face.

Wait, I'm not imagining that last part.

Dusk exhaled again, clearly seeing the condensation occur in the air. Shortly afterward, the cold slithered under his fur, eliciting a fit of shivers from the stallion. 

"Okay, it was not this cold a minute ago. Does your lab have air conditioning?"


...


"The jig is up! Abort!" Pinkie both squeaked and whispered. 

Berry yanked the plug from the outlet, tripping and hogtying himself in the process. The mechanical groan of their air conditioner rapidly faded 

"I'm too young to go to prison!" he cried. "Wait. I'm actually too young to go to prison! Ha! Take that justice system! I'm not even a day old."

"Shh! They're looking around. We're going dark."

Pinkie replaced the book in their lookout hole and crouched down next to her bound friend. 

"Darn. I really wanted this one to work."

Pinkie pouted. "Me too. I guess I was a teensy bit too hopeful for this plan. Like, why would they just fall into each other's hooves because it's a little cold? This isn't the movies."

"It could be the movies. I mean, that's what I'd do. In fact," Berry trailed off as he rolled into his friend's lap. "Oh Pinkie! You're so warm and cuddly! I can't hold it in any longer!

Pinkie tossed her head back in faux turmoil, hoof on her forehead as though she had the vapors. "Oh, don't say it! My father would never approve!"

"To heck with your father! Will you go to prom with me?"

The stallion's tail produced a single red rose and moved it between them.

Pinkie released a fake squeal, which was indistinguishable from her normal very real squeals, and embraced her clone.

"Yes! Yes! Oh my gosh yes! I would love to go to prom with you. Smooch me, Berry!"

"Alright, I'm smoochin'."

What followed was a series of "mwah" sounds as the two pink ponies puckered their lips and moved toward one another. At about an inch away, they finally cracked and broke into whispered laughter.

"I'd watch that movie," Pinkie eventually managed. "You know, you're right Berry. It can be like the movies. Somepony just needs to give things a little push!"

"Or maybe," Berry said, eyeing an artillery-shaped bulge in their supply bag, "We should give it a shot!"


...


Lab coats solve many problems. Are you working with staining, corrosive, or otherwise harmful materials? Boom. Lab coat. 

Do you feel cold due to some random freezing air entering your basement lab in the wee hours of the morning? Boom. Lab coat. 

Do you catch yourself staring longingly at your fellow researcher instead of focusing on work. Boom. Lab c-

Oh shoot. She actually looks really cute in that.

It's a somewhat common theme in more unsavory works. Whatever it is, make it sexy. If you have a scientist, she'll be scantily clad under her undone lab coat with unnecessary reading glasses held daintily in her mouth and not on her eyes. Maybe even throw some bubbling green liquid on the table. This couldn't be farther from the reality of lab work. 

There is no argument when it comes to personal protective equipment. Button your coat, put on your goggles, and for Pete's sake don't inhale the vapors of your boiling liquids. Whatever is in there is not good for ponies. Twilight is well aware of these rules.

So why is it cute, dammit? She's covered all over in nitrile rubber and thick cloth.

Dusk sighed and made the tempting journey back to his partner's side. "I'm definitely going to do something stupid," he mumbled.

"What was that?"

"I- ah- anything different in the solution?" the stallion stammered, thankful that the consonance made that cover up passable. 

She bought it. Or ignored it, at least. "Alone, no. But this is pretty interesting. Watch what happens when they get close."

Twilight made some space on her table and slowly pushed two beakers filled with a colorless liquid toward each other. The cloned ponies brought their eyes to the level of the cloned liquids and watched the surfaces of the liquids tilt toward each other.

"Ferrofluids, eat your heart out," the mare claimed triumphantly. "I can't be sure yet, but I can only assume that the individual molecules are Attracted to their counterparts."

"What's in there, anyway? I didn't get a look when I was cloning it. Looks a little to, eh, viscous to be water."

"That's right! You weren't around for the news. Dusk, say hello to Calefoleum. This is a compound some researchers discovered that readily conducts magic. It saps away spells and releases thermal energy. Go ahead and try to pick up one of those beakers."

"Okay, then wha- uf!" Dusk stuttered as the beaker did not budge but instead began to boil. "I can't pick it up?"

The mare nodded, smirking. "Yup. Even telekinesis. It's really bizarre."

"That's interesting and all," the stallion said, scratching his chin. "But why did we examine that and not, you know, water?"

"Because it costs a fortune and that was all I had," Twilight answered sheepishly. "What?"

"How, uh, pragmatic," Dusk remarked, chuckling. Returning his attention to the cool chemicals, he grabbed the colder beaker and raised it above the one he had just warmed. Sure enough, droplets of the lower liquid started to defy gravity and crawl up the beaker. 

Dusk shook his head in amazement. Normally that type of discovery was for the ponies you read about in textbooks. He could imagine that sort of discovery driving other less successful academics mad with envy. He could also imagine being one of those academics. Yet, here he was with a working cloning spell! With weird attractive forces!

Magical oil that gets hot? Psh. I can make another one of you.

"How does it feel to have created what is what might be a new type of chemical bond?" he asked, absently pushing the beakers around to watch the fluids move.

"You tell me," she shot back, grinning. "You made this batch, not me."

"And, by extention, you did too. Now's not the time for nitpicking," he muttered dismissively. "Say, what time is it?"

"It's, uh," she trailed off, checking her foreleg. "Time for me to realize I don't wear a watch. Where's my clock?"

"Oh my gosh. It's almost two in the morning."

"Two?!" Twilight squeaked. She then started counting how many hours she had to sleep if she started right now. Of course that didn't factor in the time to clean up your work or to get washed. Not to mention the time it would take to actually fall asleep. 

"Why don't we call it a night?" she asked. "I actually didn't sleep last night either."


...


"It's two already? But we only did, like, one of our plans!" Berry pouted and looked to Pinkie for reassurance. 

"Maybe you did. I've been over here doing one of our secret plans."

"What secret plan?"

"The one I made up! See, I've been whispering 'Cuddle!' this whole time."

"What's that gonna do?"

"It's called subliminal massaging," Pinkie said, mimicking the voice of a smug academic. "I'm getting them all massaged with my voice to get them to cuddle. And they don't even know 'cause they can't hear me!"

"Woah! That's cool! Do you think it's gonna work?"

"Not at all! We've got to do something!"

"Alright. Alright. Gotta think. Why didn't the other plan work?"

"Because, when it got cold, they didn't think, 'We should snuggle up under a blanket with hot cocoa'. Instead, they put on more clothes."

"Right. They're not thinking cute thoughts. They're thinking boring thoughts," the stallion said, dragging out the 'o' sound. 

Pinkie gasped, bolting upright and trotting in place. "Berry! You're a genius! Quick! We need- uh. We need a thing! Get- get the thing!"

"I am?"

"The thing, Berry!"

The stallion bolted to their supplies and began throwing all of their gadgets to the wall behind him. Somehow they failed to make sound. 

"Uh, I- hm..."

"Berry!"

Giving up figuring out what "the thing" was, Berry shrugged and threw the first two objects he could reach at his clones head. 

Pinkie's prehensile tail snatched the 'things' out of the air while she kept watch on their targets. She turned from the bookcase to the weapons found in the pink curls that protruded from her rump. 

"These aren't-! Wait. No. This is actually better! Nice thinking, Berry!"

Berry could only tilt his head. 

"Thinking?"


...


Why am I unhappy?

Twilight thought that thought often. That wasn't just her scientific mind always asking questions. She was genuinely confused. 

Successful new research. Check. Friends won't pester me about clones anymore. Check. Dusk is actually really nice. Che-

Twilight winced as she found the tray of materials before her too heavy for her jaw. Sadly, her magic had not yet returned.

"I got it," her clone said without hesitation, magically scooping her tray off the table and somehow knowing where everything was to go. 

Twilight forced a smile and offered a halfhearted "thank you" while he walked off. With pursed lips, she set about gathering the remaining supplies.

He is nice. And that's sort of the problem. Does the Attraction apply to purely platonic relationships? Is he just being friendly because of that? Am I?

She heard him walking behind her, cleaning quite a bit faster than she could without her powers. Twilight expected that. What she didn't expect was the concussive force on the side of her rump as Dusk passed by.

The mare shot up, shocked beyond belief. She would have shrieked if she hadn't immediately bit her tongue. Even so, it would not have been heard over the loud "slap" that filled her basement lab.

What the-! Twilight began to think, whipping her head behind her to her stinging rump and her clone. Did he just...

He stared blankly at her back, or perhaps a bit lower, saying nothing. 

There's no way...

Twilight's face turned a delightful shade of red when Dusk bent down out of her view below her white coat.

She was fairly sure that she was feeling something aside from pins and needles behind her cutie mark. Whether it was indignation or embarrassment, she could not tell. Surprise was mixed in there, to be sure. 

He did not just- just do that! Who just does that!? Why?! Does he think I...? Do I...?

Steam appeared to form around the unicorn's burning face. She watched her assailant rise from behind her, feeling very small and vulnerable. 

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! What do I do!? What do I do!? What- what the heck is that?

Dusk rose from the floor not with a devious grin or with some instrument of torture, oh no. In his mouth, he held a rubber chicken.

"Any idea where this came from," he asked, oblivious to his partner's impending mental breakdown. 


...


"Dead on!" Pinkie whispered, still holding up her slingshot. 

Berry hopped silently behind her. "Ha! Look at her face! She's all 'Did he just slap my butt?!'."

"Look how red she is! She's like a tomato!"

"Or a cherry," Berry continued dreamily. "I'm hungry, Pinkie."

"If only we had emergency marshmallows. Okay, now she's not thinking boring thoughts. Get ready, Berry."

"That's not your line! I'm in costume and everything! Say the line!"

"Oh my gosh! Sorry! Ahem. Ready the cannon, private!"

The stallion, suddenly clad in an eye patch and a bandanna, wheeled their colorful artillery to the spy hole. "Aye aye, cap! She's ready!"

"On my signal. We only get one shot."


...


It's strange how quickly ponies can change. One minute, you're walking on eggshells like a child with a crush. Next, you're acting all worried like you care about her or something. 

"Are you sure you're okay? You're burning up."

"I'm f-fine," Twilight stuttered while refusing to meet his concerned gaze. "I- uh- I thought you- I mean- it just stings a little."

Of course he didn't come up behind you and slap your ass you idiot! she mentally chastised. Did you expect that? Is that what you wanted?

Dusk furrowed his brow and scanned the room, the rubber chicken floating limply in his grasp. "Where did this thing even come from?" he asked. 

"Probably one of Pinkie's surprises," Twilight responded glumly. "Great timing, Pinks."

"Timing? Did you drop something?" 

"No, I-" Twilight stuttered again, still struggling to gather her thoughts. "It's nothing. I'm tired, alright? This has been a long day."

"Then why don't you go to bed and I'll put away anything hazardous. I won't keep working without you, if that has you worried." Dusk placed his hoof on her shoulder as platonically as possible putting on as much of a friendly, and only friendly, face as he could muster. 

To no avail. The mare's cheeks remained rose-colored, her words failing her. 

"Come on," he encouraged. "I'll shelf this stuff and you can get ready for bed."

"Alright," Twilight finally answered. "But remember, no magic on the Calefoleum."

He nodded. "I know. Now go to sleep."

Dusk watched his double approach the winding stairs on trembling legs. Turning his attention to the remaining work. In truth, not much was left that absolutely had to go.

Despite his earlier cockiness, he had to admit that Twilight's Calefoleum was pretty cool. Of Course, "pretty cool" often translated into "can kill you" in the lab. 

This was one such case. While Dusk carefully lifted the tray holding their dangerous chemicals, he silently envied the dexterity of non-unicorns with their jaw strength and ability to walk smoothly on three legs. 

I should work out or something, he thought idly. If only to handle this stuff better.

Are you sure that's why? a voice deep in his mind asked smugly. Because I think you're trying to get somepony's attention.

Oh great. I'm now hearing voices. Is this the Attraction? Go away. I'm busy.

He imagined the voice rolling its eyes, but it didn't seem beaten. You're right. That would be silly. After all, you already have her attention.

Dusk glanced nervously at the stairs. Sure enough, Twilight was still watching.

She's making sure I'm okay, he reasoned. Working alone is dangerous.

Is that so? Then why are you so fixated on her watching?

The stallion nearly objected, but he found his inward conversation growing too in depth to be sane. Luckily, he reached his destination and could finally set the bottles down. Shifting to stand on his hind legs, he grasped one bottle of the Calefoleum and moved it to an eye-level cabinet. 

Technically, glass should not be stored so high. But this was the only available spot. Dusk was a careful pony. Surely he could place a bottle in a cabinet without incident. 

There was a faint pop behind him followed by a chorus of cheap one-bit store horns one might use at a child's birthday party. "Surprise!" they cried with their inarticulate bleats. 

Dusk had closed his eyes and flinched at the sound, which would save him some trouble when a high-speed marble whizzed by, shattering the bottle in his hooves and spilling its contents onto his face and head. 

Instincts threw the stallion into a flailing fit as he stumbled backwards, letting out several undignified shrieks all the while. He would have tipped over completely had it not been for the firm hoof on his back.

Twilight grunted under her clones weight even braced against the table. She immediately spat an order to remove his coat that went unheard in the din of Dusk's screams. 


...


"One out of two isn't bad!"

"Definitely!"

Two pink ponies frantically fled from the secret tunnel entrance behind the library. The downpour immediately soaked their shaking bodies and sack of secret mission equipment. 

"I thought it was water!" Pinkie squeaked nervously. "It looked like water!"

"It's fine, Pinkie! He'll be fine!" Pinkie's clone ran beside her, head completely in his duffle bag searching for an umbrella. 

"It was supposed to get his hair wet so Twilight would smooch him! That's what you do when cute ponies get their hair wet!"

Berry promptly stopped searching for an umbrella. "He- he'll be okay, Pinkie. That was a surprised scream. Not a "my eyes are burning" scream."

The party mare tried to giggle, but couldn't manage to laugh it off. That wouldn't do. 

She felt all four of her hooves leave the ground and a wet mess of a mane smother her face. Sputtering, she pushed against the fur to find herself still moving through Ponyville's dark streets. 

"I can't hug you while we're running," Berry chirped, craning his head back to smile. "So I figured this would work. No being sad!"

"I'm not sad! I just want them to be happy. Can you imagine what things will be like hanging out with them if they're all 'oh I really like you but we can't be together because of silly reasons!'? I can't do it, Berry! I won't have another cliche in my life!" Pinkie punctuated her point with a pout. Her assertiveness was somewhat offset by her subsequent snuggling into her new ride's wet mane. 

"Maybe it worked? Maybe she's lovingly tending to Dusk's wounds."

"You said he wasn't hurt!"

"Uh- lovingly tending to his non-injuries? Let's worry tomorrow. It's, like, really late."

Berry felt his passenger pout again, but he suspected she longed for sleep as well given how readily she relaxed against his back. 


...


You think better when your eyes are closed. Well, maybe "more" is a more accurate term. It has to do with your brain having less to do. "Oh, I don't need to process the visible spectrum right now?" your brain says. "I guess I better remember that time you accidentally called your teacher 'father' in second grade." Then you can't fall asleep at night.

The best thing to do is to think of something and keep thinking of it to keep your brain occupied. Maybe write a story in your head and worry about your characters' lives instead of your own. Although, less creative types might go for something more, uh, procedural. But hey, whatever works.

"Is one the least hazardous classification or the most for irritation?" Dusk thought aloud. "I can never remember."

He blindly ascended the staircase before him, wary of expecting a step where there was none. Truly, there is no greater terror. Luckily, his lab partner led him from ahead. 

"It depends on the system," Twilight answered. "In any case, it seems like it'd be the least hazardous category if you're so calm about it. I'm more interested in how to classify that reaction than anything."

The stallion stopped again to feel his face. Rather, to feel the rough solid concealing his face from the world and vice-versa. 

"Forms an opaque solid when mixed with excess rancid emergency shower water," Dusk said. "Hm. Doesn't sound too professional, does it?"

"It could use some work," Twilight agreed, cracking a smile. 

"What color is this stuff?"

"White."

Dusk blew a raspberry. "Figures. Everything ends up as a white solid. No wonder nobody finds this stuff interesting at a glance."

"Alright, here's the last step. Be careful."

The two arrived at what Dusk would have to believe was the library's second floor. Twilight guided him farther to her bathroom and her large washtub. 

The stallion felt around with a hoof and found the tub's rim when it collided with his solid-encrusted hoof. He climbed in, ready to clean off the filth and end the day. However, a grimace grew on his face upon realizing what he'd have to do next. 

"Uh, Twilight?"

"Hm?" she said, sounding farther away than he expected. She must have assumed he wanted privacy. 

"I, uh, this is awkward. Um, I can't really see or feel what I'm doing. Could I have some help?"

The mare didn't answer for a time, only letting Dusk's face grow red as his request hung in the air. He worried that she had already left the room.

"I'd use magic," he continued. "But I kind of don't want to risk burning my eyes off. It's fine if you-"

"No no, I understand. I'll help. Just let me, uh..." Twilight trailed off, looking around the room. Her clone was already taller than her, but now he sat in her elevated tub. Eventually, she knelt near her sink where Spike's stool sat ready to help the young dragon see the mirror above. She grunted with undignified effort as she nudged the stool with her neck, not too keen on placing her mouth where her assistant often placed his feet. 

Upon climbing onto her perch, she found herself just above Dusk's eyes and high enough to reach the bath's knobs. 

"Alright," she murmured. "I'm gonna turn on the water. Tell me if it's too-" The mare was silenced by her stool nearly toppling backwards, saved by her hooves already hanging to the tub's edge.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah. I just almost cracked my head open, is all."

"The night keeps getting better," Dusk laughed halfheartedly. "Look out for falling anvils."

The stallion's joke fell flat as that felt like a very real possibility. Twilight searched the ceiling for balloons as she turned on the water.

The water streamed out of the tub's mini shower head, causing Dusk to wince at the cold. Unfortunately, the white chunks on his mane seemed less perturbed than he was. 

"Could you scoot back for me?"

Dusk complied with the order while Twilight took the shower head in her teeth to better aim the water. With the stream now pointed at the back of his head, she began kneading his mane with her front hooves.

The water did little to wash away the solid at first, Twilight noted. But as it gradually warmed, it began to fade and fall off of him, revealing his mixed purple and pink mane. 

"Ish the water too hot?" she asked when the stallion's breathing grew heavy. 

His head shook as though he was snapped out of a trance. "Huh? Oh, uh. No. It feels gre- fine. It feels fine. Is the stuff, uh, coming out?"

Twilight found difficulty answering as well, only thinking to speak once her stool wobbled again. 

"It'sh, uh. H-hold on."

Her hooves wandered downward to the stallions shoulders, continuing their gentle massage despite there being no solid to clean there. 

You know, the mare's mind whispered. You could have started on his eyes. He would be able to see and do this on his own. You could have just left him and gone to bed.

Twilight's breath grew heavy as well. She didn't dare admit that the shower was working. He'd turn around, look into her eyes, and that would be it.

But that wasn't what you wanted, was it?

Time ticked by, the mare's hooves having aimlessly explored every inch of his head. She suspected he knew his head was clean.

Go on. Finish up and leave him be.

She silently applied pressure to his shoulders, signaling for Dusk to turn around. He did so cautiously, directing his face to oppose the warm water. 

Oh, but who are you kidding? He doesn't want it to end either.

Twilight lifted the stallion's soaked mane from his face with one hoof while gently sliding the other across the crystals over his eyes. The water did it's job, the crystals appearing to melt away with each gentle caress of the mare's hoof. As the blinding solid fell down the drain, Dusk felt the pressure on his eyes dissipate.

The shower head fell from Twilight's mouth, retracting loudly into its sheath. Her hooves still rested on her clone's shoulders, albeit shakily.

"Alright," she said, gulping. "You're good."

His eyes opened sluggishly, sensitive after their time closed. Though, his discomfort faded when he laid eyes on his savior. 

Strands of her mane stuck up defiantly from their assigned positions. Her normally clean bangs fell all over her face, mercilessly concealing precious pieces of her eyes. A furious blush adorned her cheeks just above her open, panting mouth. Dusk then realized he was panting too. 

And he'd just run out of breath.

Dammit, muttered the last of his self-restraint. At the same time, the pooling water at his hooves melted the crystals therein, creating a slick oil that was just perfect for standing on.

His right hoof slid forward. His left found purchase on the tub's wall, trying to push him upright. Twilight, meanwhile, lost any semblance of balance during his jerking movements and clutched at whatever she could reach. That was, of course, the stallion's neck. 

The unicorns crashed onto the porcelain floor, splashing against the small puddle that had accumulated. Twilight's hooves saved Dusk's head from an unpleasant fracture while using the rest of his body to break her own fall. Both came to rest with a face full of the other's fur.

Twilight unluckily found her muzzle blocked by the mane she had so carefully washed. She quickly retreated to redirect her coughing fit, having effectively water-boarded herself with his mane. 

Dusk was in no rush to leave. His close encounter with the mare's chest seemed to have sapped the will from him. He watched blankly, spread-eagle, as his friend removed the water from her lungs with some difficulty.  

She collapsed again, managing to spare her clone from another smothering embrace and instead meeting him muzzle first with her hooves on either side of his head. 

They panted, breathing the same air for some time before regaining their senses. Their eyes remained locked on one-another by instinct rather than choice. 

"It's no use," Twilight croaked, falling lower until their noses pressed together. "I can't focus around you."

The shower head continued to spray its payload onto the heap of purple pony, sending the mare's long mane downward in a curtain around her prisoner. 

The harsh fluorescent lights struggled to shine through the mare's dark halo, further tipping Dusk's internal struggle. 

"I- uh," he replied dumbly, words now failing him. No longer in complete control, his hooves wandered upward to-

No! We can't! It's not real!

His limbs paid his thoughts no mind, wrapping around her waist. He summoned his magic to pull back her waterlogged hair. 

Twilight squirmed in his clutch, but could make no effort to pull free.

"No," she moaned in protest. "We can't..."

"We can't..." her clone repeated. 

Why?

Their eyes widened and fear took their weary hearts. They scrambled away from one another to opposite ends of the tub, slipping and splashing all the while. 

They hanged half-way off their respective sides of the tub, mouths gasping and minds racing to nowhere in particular. 

In her panic, Twilight kicked off the drain cover, letting the oily bath water drain away beneath their hooves. Away it went, the cause of all of this. The subject of their research. The agent that spilled on her friend. The rocks that brought them to the bath together. The oil that opened the flood gates.

Twilight choked again, in introspection this time. She stared at her trembling hooves then at her trembling clone. 

Then she laughed. 

Nothing too genuine. A comedian certainly wouldn't find it encouraging. It was the gentle, sad laugh you laugh when you can't anymore. 

"Twilight, are you-?"

"We know," she interrupted. Her face contorted in a half-grimace and half-dark smile. "We know about the Attraction. What it does to us." 

She paused to turn off the still running water, then returned a manic gaze to her friend. 

"And you know what?!" she laughed and screamed. "You're still hot! I wanted to kiss you right there. I've never wanted to kiss anyone! I never had a pop-star crush or fantasy like that for anyone. But you!? I just met you and I was about to let you grab onto me and we were going to make out! Can you imagine?! I'm having dirty thoughts for the first time in my life!"

"Twilight, I-" Dusk tried to interrupt.

"No! Don't be sorry! You shouldn't be! I bet you're feeling the exact same things! The difference being that you didn't cause all of this! I brought this upon myself even though I knew this would happen! I knew what it would make me do!"

"Twilight."

"But we can't! We can't do anything! Because of the Attraction! This stupid Attraction that's the reason I want to do these things in the first place! It doesn't matter what I'm thinking! It doesn't matter if I study it! I'm going to feel things out of my control!"

"Twilight!"

"I can't do it, Dusk! I can't take another night like this! I won't be able to resist-"

The stallion recalled images of old movies. They advised him to go for the "shut-up-kiss" in this situation. All things considered, that wouldn't be a good move here. A hug would do just fine.

"Twilight, stop it," he said firmly, squeezing her in his hooves yet again that night.

She went stiff at his touch, seeming to stop all functions but her heart. The pounding in her chest was Dusk's only indication that she was alive. Her energy soon left her and she went limp, not returning the embrace.

"You have to snap out of it. We can get through this."

The mare began to breathe again, ragged at first but eventually slowing. She pushed away from him gently and placed a reasonable amount of space between them. 

"The worst thing we can do is panic. We make things worse if we panic."

After a number of deep breaths, she opened her eyes.

"Right," she breathed. "No panicking."

"Alright?"

"Yeah. I kind of lost it there, didn't I?"

"I'm beginning to suspect neither of us ever had it."

A ghost of a smile appeared on Twilight's face. "Nevertheless, thank you for that."

"That, uh, wasn't for you," Dusk said, averting his gaze. "I had to stop you because, uh. You were turning me on."

Another silence fell on the hapless unicorns, set adrift on a lonely bathtub in a sea of sexual tension. Many ships, she has sank. For she is a cruel sea. A sea that cares not for your plans. 

"Oh wow that didn't sound that bad in my head," Dusk sputtered. "I didn't mean-"

Twilight's snort cut him off, the mare trying and failing to hold herself together with a hoof to her mouth. Her laughter escaped the loose seal of her hoof, loud and genuine this time. 

"Turned you on! Ah ha ha-" she choked on her own laughter, proceeding to juggle choking and laughing while she collapsed back on the floor. 

Dusk meant to check on her, as one would if their friend was experiencing a coughing fit. But as he opened his mouth, chuckles of his own emerged. Before he knew it, he had joined her on the floor, similarly forgetting to breathe. 

It must have been at least three in the morning by the time the unicorn duo pulled themselves together, thoroughly exhausted by giggles. To be fair, it was the closest thing either normally got to aerobic exercise. 

They leaned against opposite ends of the tub, hooves folded across their respective bodies in a vain attempt to soothe their aching lungs. 

"This whole thing is just dumb," Twilight remarked, her voice still light with giggles. 

"Isn't it?"

"It's like," the mare put on a foolish face and waved her hooves with each syllable. "Oh look at me! I'm the body! You might think you know better, but I want you to do the absolute worst thing!"

Dusk held his hooves out for mercy. "No! Stop! It hurts to laugh!"

But she continued. "What's that? You're not doing it? I guess I'll just stop working and try my best to injure you! That'll learn ya!"

"Why do bodies have a drawl now?"

"Because they're stupid! The Attraction is stupid and so are bodies!"

They relaxed into the white walls, only discomfort from damp fur keeping them awake. However, Twilight's good mood was not long for this world.

"I still feel it, you know," she said, shaking her head. "We crack jokes, but we haven't solved the problem."

Dusk ran a hoof down his face. "I know. But you're right. The Attraction is dumb. We can't reason our way through it. It's not a pony we can talk to."

Both ponies averted their eyes after that remark, remembering their run-ins with an inner voice. Could it be-?

"At any rate," Dusk went on to avoid that concerning train of thought. "We'd have to somehow segregate our minds and bodies to appease everyone."

"Yeah," Twilight responded glumly. Then she blinked. 

"Yeah!" she repeated less glumly. 

"What?"

"Why don't we do that?"

"Do what?"

"Why don't we- Okay, look. Hear me out." The mare crawled across the tub to sit beside her clone. "We have these feelings for each other, right?"

"Yeah...?" Dusk shifted uncomfortably at her approach. 

"But that's all just physical. It's the Attraction doing that to us. We know it's not real in our heads."

"But that doesn't make it feel any less real. That's the problem."

"Right. So if we just, you know, keep all that in mind. That we're under the influence, so to speak. We could, you know..."

Stallions are stupid. They don't know. It's silly to assume that. 

"We could what?"

"We could, like, appease the Attraction and live our lives normally." 

Twilight stared at him expectantly while the gears turned. Ever so slowly, Dusk grasped at what his friend had proposed, face twisting in uncertainty.

"Now hold on. You mean... we would just willingly-"

"And knowingly. That's important."

"-and knowingly engage in- in that sort of thing?"

"Exactly!" It was then that the weight of her proposal began to sink in. "R-right? Or is this weird and creepy?"

"I mean, do you really think we could? Just turn off our minds like that? It seems a little..."

"Counterintuitive?"

Dusk nodded but his face showed it had not left his mind.

Is it possible to turn off your mind? To stop thinking?

Dusk didn't think so. From what he knew of his inherited mind, he wasn't the type to "go with the flow" so to speak. He felt like the kind of pony that spent his time nursing a conspiracy theory while his friends partied not far away. 

A wandering mind begets a wandering gaze, so while Dusk pondered his own nature, another part of him pondered the girl with whom he'd just spent all day. 

Her fur was wet, plastered to her body in clumps. She was probably cold. Her hoof ran idly across her other foreleg, either nursing an injury from their fall or embarrassment from the current discussion. Her eyes moved from his to the floor, most likely as uncomfortable as he was at this moment. 

But maybe he could see more.

Push analysis aside. What do you see?

Damp fur hugged her frame in ways that drew Dusk's eyes if he let them. But her eyes drew him more. Two deep seas of purple that had already ensnared him today got his attention again. A small, bright spark in her pupil ignited something within him that had been trying to escape all night. 

"Twilight," he whispered, trembling as he reached to brush her cheek. 

"Dusk," she answered in kind, grasping his head by the cheeks and moving in to meet him until their faces nearly met. 

"I, uh."

"This feels-"

"Yeah..." 

"We're really gonna do this, huh?"

Their bodies wouldn't wait for an answer any longer. As though pressed together by unseen hooves, their mouths collided. Or rather, their muzzles collided. Whimpering, their heads twisted every which way until they reached the proper angle to make contact. Without any prior experience, animal instinct acted as their only guide to their kiss. 

Turns out animals know what they're doing, even if it's a bit sloppy.

Their hooves moved erratically about each other's body, never stopping in one spot for long before exploring elsewhere. They simultaneously realized that breathing was pretty important and opened their mouths, only to find the other's tongue and panting breath to meet them. The unicorns allowed for a few ragged gasps of shared air before sealing their mouths together, Twilight making good on her earlier claim. 

Almost too well. In her race to swallow her clone's tongue, she pushed a little too hard and knocked her stallion off balance. 

They tumbled to the floor for the umpteenth time that night, Twilight's wandering hoof again saving Dusk's skull from an unpleasant blow from gravity. 

Their fall cruelly separated their mouths, snapping them at least partially out of their lust-filled stupor. 

Twilight spared a look around the room between breaths. She sat astride her clone who's mind appeared to be elsewhere. Oddly enough, the world hadn't burst into flames with their newest lifestyle choice. Maybe things would be okay?

The hard tub was less than ideal, though. 

"Dusk," she said, panting. "Hey Dusk?"

"Huh?"

"You, uh, wanna get dried off and do this somewhere else?"

Now there was a question. Keep going here? Or wait and have her spread out on her bed, flushed and panting as he moved in and-

"Yeah. Yeah, okay."


...



> Strangers in the Night
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You've been running around my dreams all night."


Integrals



***


Everything was pink. 

Now, that wasn't really a problem. Pink is a nice and happy color. It's just somewhat bizarre to enter a forest and find that literally every color there is some shade of pink. Pink trees, pink bushes, pink grass, etc. It felt like looking through literal rose-tinted glasses. 

"Hi Berry!" squeaked a pink voice. "Welcome to Pinkieville!"

A pink stallion twisted his head completely around until his gaze rested on a pink mare directly in front of him.

"Huh? Oh! Hi Pinkie! Where are we?"

"Pinkieville! Are you listening?" Not waiting for an answer, she grabbed Berry by the cheeks and pulled on his arm.

The pinks around him blurred into one big pink giving the impression of rapid movement. Surprisingly, his ascent to light speed was not accompanied with death, vomiting, or even the vague impression that he hit a dip on a roller coaster. When he recovered his sight from his purely visual ride, he found himself in front of a familiar storefront made of sweets, albeit with a new monochromatic color scheme. 

"Sugarcube Corner? So we're in Ponyville?"

"Pinkieville, Berry! You gotta focus!" 

"I'm trying!" he cried, falling to his knees and clutching his head. "I've never been confused like this before! What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing!" she assured him. "That's how it is around here until you get a hang of it."

"How do I get a hang of it? This feels weird."

"I'll show you!" Pinkie grabbed her clone again by the cheeks and dragged him to the nearest pony. 

"Do you know her?"

Berry looked the mare up and down. She, like the surroundings, wore a monochromatic color scheme of pink, light pink, and dark pink. Though, something in the back of his mind told him those weren't her true colors, so to speak. 

"I don't think so? I mean, I only know you, the other girls, the guys, that discord guy, the Cake's, uh..."

"No no no. You know them, but you don't know them like I do. Say hi!"

The stallion scratched his head, growing tired of confusion. "Hi, uh, you! I'm Berry! What's your name?"

The stranger didn't respond. In fact, she hadn't moved a muscle since he and Pinkie got there. She held one front hoof out in front of herself as though offering a hoof shake. Her bespectacled face was frozen mid "hello" with her swirly mane similarly stuck impossibly in the air. 

"You gotta shake her hoof, Berry!"

"Alrighty!" He grabbed her outstretched hoof and shook, her leg remaining stiff but moving with his. "My name's Berry! Again! What's your name? Again."

As he shook, he felt the mare's leg loosen. Time seemed to take a hold of her again, forcing her face to continue it's task of speaking. 

"I am the Mayor. It's so very nice to meet you."

As she spoke, colors other than pink faded into her coat, revealing beiges and whites that would have been boring in any other background.

"I hope you enjoy your time in Ponyville. Now, if you'll excuse me..." she trailed off while walking away.

Berry blinked, watching the Mayor venture toward the center of town. However, her colors left her again as she reached a good distance from the two naturally pink ponies. She froze again and Berry turned his nonplussed gaze back to his friend. 

"Pinkie," he whined. "She said Ponyville. Are you playing a trick on me?"

"No! That's just how everyone is here. And that's not even the important part! Did you notice anything just now?"

"She froze again over there."

"Ugh! What do you know about her?"

"Know? She's the Mayor. She's got a scroll cutie mark. She dyes her mane. She made me pay for a bunch of permits to throw parties. She has me in her records as 'noise complaint'. She-" 

The stallion stopped, eyes growing wide. His double only smiled wide at him, nodding.

"Wait! I've never seen her do any of that!" he squeaked. 

"Uh huh!"

"Am I psychic?"

Pinkie stopped nodding. "Nope. You're just me! Sort of."

"Oh. Oh! That's what Twilight was talking about before! We're doing that right now!"

The mare patted her clone on the back as one would their child after they successfully recited the alphabet for the first time. I mean really recite it. None of that "elemeno" crap. Enunciation is key. 

"I told you you'd get the hang of it!" she said. 

"Does this mean I can shake your hoof to remember you?" The stallion didn't wait for an answer and attempted to grab the foreleg tapping his back. 

But she withdrew it before he could introduce himself. "Ah ah ah," she chastised. "Not yet. You gotta learn about everypony else first."

Berry's energy visibly faltered, his smile almost wavering by a degree. "Aw."

"Don't be sad! There are a lot of nice ponies in Pinkieville. Don't you want to meet nice ponies?"

"Yeah, but you're more fun."

The mare squeaked and engulfed him in a massive hug. "Oh Berry! That's so sweet!" she said, swaying with him in her hooves. 

"So you'll come with me?" he asked, muffled by the floofy fur on her chest. 

"Nope! I gotta do other stuff."

Berry didn't have time to pout after his face hugger disappeared, leaving him to fall on his face. She reappeared in the doorway to not-Sugarcube Corner, whispering something through the door.

"Who are you talking to? Should I shake their hoof?"

"No!" Pinkie shrieked in a decidedly un-fun manner. "I, uh, I mean not until you meet everypony else!"

"How will I know when I'm done?" Berry asked, making his way to her to see inside. 

"Ha ha! Alright! See ya later Berry!" she sputtered as she shut the door. "Ow! Ok! I'm coming. Sheesh."

The stallion stared at the bakery with concern. A few tugs on the door handle told him it was locked and would remain locked until he met everyone in town. Literally. The words "Come back when you've met everyone" appeared before the door. 

Berry eyed the words with distaste and reluctantly walked off in the direction of the Mayor. As confused and worried as he was, floating bits of text don't lie. The task would have to be completed before he could see Pinkie again. 

"Alright Pinkieville," he growled, stretching his legs. 

"Prepare to be greeted."


...


Never before had Berry learned so much while his mind was elsewhere. Granted, he hadn't had much time to learn before he arrived in this strange pink land. Still, while his smile and eyes remained attentive to the barely-responsive denizens of Pinkieville, he cared little for their greetings or the knowledge of their lives that forced its way into his head. 

"Hi, I'm Berry! What's your name? Alright see you later!" His relatively halfhearted mantra still escaped his lips despite there being no pink statues nearby left unmet. 

He approached Sugarcube Corner again, notably more sluggish than before. He cautiously lifted a hoof to the door, expecting some discouraging message to appear. One like "Not yet moron" or "Everypony means every pony you simpleton". 

"Is it everypony yet?" he pleaded with the wooden entrance. "Please tell me it's everypony! I'm really tired!"

To his delight, it gave way against his touch to reveal the familiar, albeit pink, interior of the bakery where he thought he fell asleep.

"Pinkie! I did it! I know all of them! I- Pinkie?"

Not even an unenthusiastic greeting answered him this time. Just the empty counter and some sealed off desserts. 

"Hello?" the stallion called out to anyone this time. "I'm looking for a pony. Looks like me, but cuter?"

This was worrisome. Before, he had a task that occupied him and would presumably reward him with his friend's company. Without it, what did he have? Silence and statues.

Oppressive silence, in fact. Aside from the occasional voice when he spoke, Berry had not heard any noise since he arrived. No wind, no birds, and certainly no idle conversation one would expect in such a popular establishment. 

The stallion hadn't had time to consider his dislikes very thoroughly. But he was now sure he hated silence. 

Scanning the room, he felt a slight pressure by his ears. Nothing like that special sense he seemed to possess. This was out of spookiness. 

"Pinkie! This is spooky! Please say something!"

Nothing. 

"Are we playing hide and seek?" 

Again, nothing.

"I guess you wouldn't be able to say so if we were. Alright! I'm seeking! Prepare to be found!"

Berry set about searching the cafe area, checking inside the cash register and above ceiling tiles first. You know, all the obvious spots. This yielded nothing but a single bit and a particularly pink dust bunny that didn't even respond to Berry's greeting. 

"So you're in the kitchen," he announced if only to break the silence. "I don't think the Cakes want us to play in there."

But play couldn't be stopped. The stallion extended his head through the double doors to peek into the kitchen, half-hoping to see a pink poofy tail sticking out somewhere. Then again, the color pink did anything but stand out in this world. 

"Maybe you're in," Berry dragged out his last word while grabbing the refrigerator. "Here!" he cried as he swung it open. 

The ice box held no pink ponies but was rather packed with everything he could have wanted for baking. Milk, eggs, butter, all the good stuff to make the really good stuff. 

"Or not. Hey, can we make something when we're done? Those marshmallows earlier aren't doing me much good now. Wait, when is now?"

Further inspection of the kitchen yielded neither Pinkie nor a clock. It did, however, give Berry some time to develop the heebie-jeebies. Where was this place? How long has he been here? When would he get to leave?

Those last two were of particular concern, as it was hard to tell the passage of time when nothing and no one ever moved. It felt like ages since he'd last seen Pinkie. Was he just being hopeful when he assumed she was hiding? Was he really alone?

"No! Stop that!" Berry shook away the bad thoughts in a visible cloud of pink-grey mist. "Pinkie is still here! Maybe we're just not playing by the official Hide and Seek Association guidelines! That means upstairs is fair game!"

He bounded off to the nearest staircase leaving all of his jeebies, heebie or otherwise, behind. 

"Of course she'd be in her room!" he exclaimed. "That's the funnest room here!"

It dawned on him as he reached the second floor that silence may be a good idea. If the HaSA guidelines weren't in effect, then she could change spots after hiding too. Those old bureaucrats really sapped all the fun out of the game in Gen VI. 

But maybe his own noise wouldn't be an issue. As he approached the familiar door, Berry began to hear whispering from the other side. 

Whispering! From ponies who aren't statues!

So enticing was the prospect of social interaction that Berry didn't even consider knocking before bursting in. Why would he knock, anyway? He'd been in there before without knocking. In fact, he was fairly certain he went to sleep in there. 

Wait. That was Pinkie's room. This is Pinkieville Pinkie's room. Are they different?

Yes. Very different. Inside Pinkie's Pinkieville room was something unthinkable. Well, two unthinkable things. Also Pinkie.

The pink mare for whom Berry had searched lay on her stomach on her fluffy bed, fiddling with a piece of her mess of a mane. She was not illuminated by her normal bedroom lights, but by a single swinging lamp in the center that left her body pink but her surroundings black. 

Black. Not pink. 

The lamp swung away from her, shrouding her in darkness but revealing a dull wooden chair opposite to her. In that chair sat Pinkie. 

Well, it looked like Pinkie as far as colors and facial features go. Berry would have been able to see those cute dimples of hers if she was smiling.

Wait. That doesn't make sense.

Sure enough, the mare was doing anything but smiling. Her crossed legs and positively neat mane pulled back into a bun looked so wrong on her. If he didn't know any better, Berry would think she made a living scowling at a document or an intern until it was filed or crying. 

"You better listen to me this time," weird buisnessy Pinkie said sternly. "This isn't you're usual frivolous friendship issue. This is real. This is life-changing. Life-ruining."

The lamp swung back to normal Pinkie, who wouldn't meet weird Pinkie's glare. She didn't seem quite as happy as usual, a difficult feat when you're resting facial expression is a smile. Berry wanted to go ask what was wrong, but another swing of the lamp stopped him in his tracks. 

Weird Pinkie's gaze fell on him like an anvil, but without the fun sound effects. Those eyes he'd come to know as cheerful and inviting gave no indication that she considered him a pony, much less a friend. Her glare seemed to strangle his gut, killing any words it met on the way there. 

"Well if it isn't the interloper," she spat. "What brings you here? Were her memories and trust not enough?"

The light tilted back to normal Pinkie, who's smile did its best to soothe her friend's nerves. 

"Oh hi Berry! Come on in!"

As she spoke, the room brightened and took on the pink hues of the outside world. With visibility no longer an issue, Berry could see that there were, in fact, two of her. Both stared at him with equal extremes of either happiness or distaste.

Berry chose the happy side of the room. 

"Did you meet everypony?" normal Pinkie asked as he sat down beside her.

"Uh, I think so. The door wouldn't let me in until I did, so- mph!"

Weird Pinkie appeared before him and clamped a hoof on his mouth. She brought his face to hers and once again burned her glare through him. 

"Don't go getting all comfortable, intruder. Do you think I don't know what's going on? What's your game here."

"Hide and seek," he answered as soon as his mouth was free. "Speaking of..."

Berry rolled onto his back to look right up at the face of the Pinkie he new. 

"Found you!" he squeaked, poking her nose.

While they giggled and rolled around on the bed, weird Pinkie remained irritated. "Hey!", she shouted, halting the giggles. "No comic relief. I told you this is serious!"

Serious. Now there's a word to say to a pony who believes that moods exist to be lightened. 

"Your mind is in danger," she continued. "All because you let that- that thing in here. You know what could happen."

Again, normal Pinkie avoided eye contact with her displeased doppelganger.

"What? What could happen?" Berry asked to no Pinkie in particular. 

"You don't know? Of course she didn't tell you. If you knew, you might leave."

"Leave?" The stallion sat up. "Leave what?"

"This place. Us. Because maybe you'd think things through more than she did. "

"Think what through? You're not making any sense!" Berry objected, wrapping a hoof around the nearer Pinkie. 

"You think you care about her. If she cared about you, she'd want you to go."

"Pinkie, who is this?" he asked, voice growing uneasy. 

Puffy-haired Pinkie didn't answer, only nestling further into his hold. 

"But she's already cast me aside. I guess it's up to you now."

"W-wait! What are you talking about!?"

Weird Pinkie didn't answer. She stood and walked toward the door, the lights dimming all the while. 

"Pinkie!"

The door closed behind her, bathing the room in darkness once again.


...


He'd felt the squeezing already. He was sure he was squeezing too. But it was the tossing and turning that finally dragged him out of his slumber. 

That name wouldn't leave his dry throat, but he continued to scream it even after his eyes opened. He couldn't see much beyond the vague shadows, only compounding his fear. 

"Berry?"

His movements stopped at the sound of her voice. She was there. Everything was fine. 

"Pinkie?" he croaked out into the nothing in his field of view. "W-what-"

She shuffled in his grip, releasing her own. Her mane left his face, giving him proper room to breathe and see.

"Were you having a bad dream?"

Fear wakes the more instinctual portions of the brain first. Danger? Impending vague darkness? No? Alright, now you can think. 

He was still in the bed. Or rather, he never left. By the light in the room, he guessed it was that odd hour when one could consider it to be very late night or very early morning. The mare he'd been holding so tightly was lying opposite to him, blue eyes staring at his with care and concern. 

"Dream? Oh. Right." Berry giggled halfheartedly. "Wowie, that was spooky!"

"Aw, I'm sorry you had such a bad dream on your first night here. Do you want to talk abou-"

"No!" he interrupted. "I-I mean, it was a silly dream."

"I like silly. Don't you?"

"Of course! But this was, like, the bad silly."

Pinkie pouted. "Oh. I don't like that kind of silly."

"Yeah. Me neither." 

While Berry attempted to slow his breathing, Pinkie seemed to be searching her clone's face for something. Her expression inched dangerously toward a frown.

"I wasn't having a great dream either," she said eventually. 

"Oh?" 

"Mhm." She rolled back into cuddling range and once again clamped her forelegs around his torso. "Let's try to get some more sleep. We've got fun stuff to do tomorrow!"

Berry felt himself relax once again at her touch. "Ok. Sleep well Pinkie," he murmured, nuzzling her forehead. 

"You too," she giggled. "If you have any more dreams, I'll always be here for you."

Fear gripped the stallion's heart again at her assurance, dampened by the sedative effect of her mane. Again, his words wouldn't leave his mouth. 

"I-Thank you P-" he stuttered. But she'd already fallen asleep in his hooves. 

Not quite reassured, Berry settled into the cuddle in the hopes of joining her. 


...



> Bright and Early
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What a glorious morning. Get it? Like morning glory! It's a sex thing!"


Integrals



***


Tragic is the story of the rooster. It didn't ask for its job. It was blind misfortune that granted it its ability to wake before the sun without fail. Those around it simply decided for it. "You'll be awake, right? Wake me up too, will you?"

But there's a difference between "awake" and "ready to start the day". The rooster cannot simply bounce off of its bed as though the previous night's sleep was a trampoline. No no no. It has to will itself out of bed, brush its beak under the harsh light of the bathroom, and sit down to a cold and bland bowl of cereal without any company with which to share its misery. Only then does it find a nice vantage point and stare blankly at the horizon awaiting the sun's irregular arrival. 

There it waits. Pondering its lot in life. What does it gain from this service? What is its payment for this opening shift of rural ponies' lives? Food? Lodging? No, that comes from its day job. This is a favor. Passed down from its ancestors who presumably inherited it from theirs. Perhaps somewhere down the line, there existed a primordial rooster who was happy to aid its fellow animals in not sleeping the day away. But that one had retired long ago.

There it was. Just above the trees. The first rays of sunshine so many poets love to admire. Of course they would. Seeing that was probably all they'd have to do that day. They'd scribble down some verse and go right back to their rest. Bastards.

There's one small consolation to all this. One those ponies still hadn't figured out. The rooster's choice of words every morning is not random. It's not merely the product of a species that cared little about developing language. In fact, chicken's have a very robust structure in the "bok bok"s those ponies like to mimic so poorly. The rooster's morning cry is chosen very deliberately. It's the first thing many hear as they wake.

I won't spoil it for you, but "cockadoodledoo" doesn't exactly mean "good morning".


...


AJ's eyes fluttered open at the sound of the local rooster. The morning's first rays of sunlight began to illuminate his bedroom, adding bits of yellow and orange to the blue and gray shadows of the night. Life was flowing back into Equestria for the day.

But not into AJ. Despite having risen quickly and perkily to the day's tasks countless times, he desired nothing more than to remain laying there.

Actually, it's my first morning, he thought. Y'know what? Ah don't care. Ah lived those years too, even if it wasn't really me.

The stallion rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling as one does when not quite awake. 

Makin a real good impression here, sleepin' late.

Indeed. A whole five minutes. At that point, he might as well have gone back to sleep until tomorrow. 

Alright. Come on. Up and at 'em.

With all the energy of a tranquilized sloth, AJ rolled back onto his stomach.

Only to find Applejack's wry smile greeting him instead of his pillow. 

"Mornin' Loverboy," she teased. "'Bout ready to get up?"

The stallion blinked and took a closer look at his surroundings. He lay beneath an apple-emblazoned comforter in a well decorated bedroom. He could see a couple blue ribbons hung upon the walls along with a framed portrait of who he recognized as the extended apple family. 

"This ain't the guest room," he so astutely observed. 

Applejack nodded in agreement. "Sure ain't. As a matter of fact, it looks a lot like mah room. How 'bout that?"

"How'd I get here?"

One of the mare's eyebrows climbed higher on her forehead. "I reckon you walked, sugar cube. Unless you've learned how to fly since yesterday-"

"That ain't what I meant," he grunted, rolling off of his hostess. "I don't remember coming here."

"You gonna tell me you didn't stumble on in here and plop down next to me in the middle of the night?"

AJ scowled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "I'm sayin' I don't remember doin' that."

"Guess that's a relief," Applejack said, not seeming too nervous to begin with. "So instead of invitin' some kinda predator into mah home, I invited a sleepwalkin' snuggler!"

The mare chuckled to herself while her companion still covered his eyes. 

"I'm makin' a great impression, ain't I?"

"Why are ya so broken up 'bout this? Nothin' happened."

"'cause you ain't supposed to snuggle somepony without askin'! It's rude!"

She only rolled her eyes and moved to her dresser to tie up her ponytail. Although still reeling from embarrassment, AJ couldn't help but sneak a few peeks at her freed mane before she so cruelly confined it to those ties.

Who am I kiddin'? 's nice either way.

"Say, did ya have any more dreams last night?" she asked, interrupting his ogling. "I mean, besides climbin' in bed with me."

"I said I was sorry!"

"Jus' messin with ya, sugar cube. Now come on an' get up. Ya don't wanna be last in line for the bathroom."

The stallion emerged from the mess of blankets to follow his hostess into the hall.

"I promise it won't happen again, Applejack."

"Still with this? It's okay partner. Jus' ask next time."

"Okay," he mumbled, head still hanging slightly. "Wait. 'Next time'? Whaddya mean by-"

The bathroom door closed in his face before he could finish. The subsequent sound of running water would have washed out any further inquiry. 

So there AJ sat, dazed and speechless in the Apple House's narrow halls while the other Apple's rose as well. Soon enough, a yawning mass of red hair and muscle plodded from his own bedroom into the queue. 

"G' mornin'" Big Mac droned with even less energy than usual. 

AJ acknowledged him with a nod but kept his eyes on the door. 

"Yeah. I guess it was, huh?"


...


Not good. Not good. Not good at all.

Rarity held the magazine to her nose as though she could read at a time like this. It's fine. The spa never had any worthwhile reading material in the first place. And that was when it was new. Those rags must have been months old at this point. Surely one of those sisters could spare a trip to a newsstand for something written within the month, right?

But why would they bother? One wasn't expected to wait for long, anyhow. This place ran like clockwork even when it was busy. Yet here the white unicorn sat in the empty waiting room beside her, well...

Oh what even are we? Are we friends? Are we even friends? I had one, maybe two meaningful conversations with the stallion before he sequestered himself in my sewing room for the night.

The stallion sitting by her seemed a bit less perturbed by their predicament, his face buried in his magazine much like hers moments ago. Although, she suspected he was actually reading the thing. It was news to him, after all. With no memories, anything would be news. 

There's that to worry about as well. Is he going to pass out on me? Oh, where in Equestria is Fluttershy!? The one time I show up promptly to our gathering, she decides to sleep in.

Rarity glanced out the bay window that let all that morning sunlight into the lobby. No sign of two shy yellow pegasi.

Who am I trying to fool? She must be having even more trouble than I am.


...


The alarm clock never had to work quite this hard before. Normally, it would scarcely take a single ring to send that little pegasus flying out of her bed in shock. But now? She put it on snooze. Snooze! What kind of supernatural calm could have taken her last night that she would not only ignore the loud ringing, but invite it back again in five to ten minutes?

But the alarm clock had no eyes to see its owner. It only had legs by extension when that little rabbit moved it from the bedroom to the living room floor where it would be heard. Such a shame. It was missing such a cute sight. 

What appeared to be a single ball of pink and yellow fur under a blanket was in fact two balls of pink and yellow. Their eyes remained closed but their occasional fidgeting suggested that they were no longer asleep. 

Fluttershy hugged her companion's shoulder, never going long without giving it a nuzzle. Butterscotch responded by doing the same to her ear. 

Bliss wouldn't last forever if the alarm had anything to say about it. Shrill ringing disturbed the snoozing angels, their eyes fluttering open fully this time. 

"Good morning," they said softly in unison, followed by a light giggle. 

"Did you sleep well?" Butterscotch asked.

Fluttershy hummed an affirmative hum and reached for the clock, turning the alarm off this time. She propped herself up on her side to yawn only to return to the cuddle immediately. 

"Too well," she added. "I don't want to get up."

"What do you need? I can do it."

"Thank you, but I don't need anything. My spa day with Rarity is today, is all. I'll need to leave soon."

"Today?"

"Mhm."

Again, the mare made no move to act on those plans. Butterscotch shifted away from her, thinking he might be blocking her somehow. However, she closed the gap as soon as he made it.

"You'll come with us, right?" she asked. "I'm sure Elusive will be there too. You don't need to, uh, get your hooves polished or anything but-"

"I'd love to!" the stallion shouted relative to his normal whisper. "Oh, um, I mean I'd love to."

"Great! We can go get these twigs out of our manes."

"So that's what this is," he giggled, nuzzling a small stick out of the mare's mane. "Sounds like fun."

Fluttershy tossed the dislodged twig into her extinguished fireplace and looked to the stallion next to her. He stared contentedly at nothing in particular until he noticed her, at which point he stared contentedly at her. Not the juvenile "quick glance and pretend I'm just looking around" thing she'd used in the past. Just a normal, friendly look at one another. 

"You know," she began, not hesitant but rather still finding the words. "I-uh- Rarity and I don't normally go to the spa today." 

Butterscotch responded with a noncommittal "Oh."

"I asked her yesterday, before all of this," she gestured at the two of them, "if we could change it to today."

The stallion looked at her with confusion. "You mean you knew we'd be running around in the woods?"

"W-what?"

"How did you know?"

"I didn't!" she laughed. "Pinkie could do that. No, I was worried about meeting you and the others."

"Oh," he said again. 

Not really much to say in response to that. I mean, what can you say? "Sorry you thought I'd be an asshole"? But Butterscotch wasn't the type to be so crass.

"Sorry," he added in the following silence. 

"No no no. It's not you. I've never been good at, you know, meeting ponies."

"But you were so nice to me yesterday. And all those other girls are your friends, right?"

"I didn't need to meet all of them at once though. Rainbow Dash came to me first and I met everypony else later. Usually with her." Fluttershy laid her head back on the stallion's shoulder. "But five new ponies in a day?"

"I think I would be panicking," Butterscotch admitted. "I think I did."

"So I thought we'd need help from Rarity or anypony, really. But you're not scary at all."

The pink-maned, butter-yellow, lanky pegasus couldn't help but nod in agreement. "I don't think you're scary either."

They burst into giggles again before settling back into their cuddle. But not too settled. Although off, Fluttershy's alarm clocked still emitted its ticks and tocks to remind her of the passage of time. 

"Should we get up?" Butterscotch asked reluctantly. 

Fluttershy eyed the timepiece and considered her options. Leave the warm, cozy cuddle to go let somepony massage her too hard or be late for the spa day to which Rarity would probably be late as well?

"Five more minutes."


...


"Honestly, I don't know what's keeping them." 

Rarity huffed and glared at the clock above the receptionist's window. Having abandoned worrying about her future and that awful magazine, the unicorn had little more to do than sit pretty and pouty. And nopony sat prettier than her. 

"Perhaps they overslept," offered Elusive. "It's not that late, is it?"

Oh, are we talking now? the mare thought, sending a sideways glance to her companion. A shoddy attempt at journalism still occupied his attention, so Rarity's not-so-subtle hints at her mood went unnoticed. 

"Not quite," she admitted reluctantly. In truth, it was only a few minutes past the agreed upon time. Was this how Fluttershy felt all those times she'd arrived early? "It's just so unlike her. I hope nothing happened to them last night."

"What do you mean?" Elusive inquired. "I was under the impression that we all just went home."

"If it were anypony else, I wouldn't be worried. But I know Fluttershy." She paused and pursed her lips. "You would too if you let me talk you through some memories."

Elusive paused his reading, but had yet to look up. "I'll make time for it soon."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Anyway, between the shock of meeting you stallions and last night's storm, she might be too frightened to leave her cottage. That's why we're here today, you know."

For whatever reason, that seemed to snap the stallion out of his reading. "For them?" he asked, turning to look at his companion. 

Only to see the well-styled back of her mane. She'd returned to clock-watching.

"Yes. Fluttershy told me she was nervous about, well, everything yesterday. So I moved our spa day so I could talk her through any panic attacks she may be having."

"That was nice of you."

"It's what friends do, darling. Speaking of which, I wouldn't be surprised if that Butterscotch was having similar troubles. So I was thinking we could split up at some point in the treatment- perhaps you two could decline a hooficure- to give us each some time alone."

"Divide and conquer," Elusive mused. "Or perhaps reassure. Well, I would like to give my hooves some attention, but no price is too great for friendship."

"That's the idea here in Ponyville. Although," Rarity sighed. "I can't imagine a short talk will so solve anything. We may need to- huh?"

A white hoof tapped her shoulder to halt her monologue. She turned to see Elusive's face finally free of that damned magazine and smiling at something. 

"Sorry to interrupt, but that happy chatting couple outside wouldn't happen to be them, would it?"

Rarity followed her clone's other hoof to the bay window outside, where her shy friend Fluttershy was walking, talking, and laughing with the stallion she'd met the previous afternoon. 

Said stallion pushed open the spa's doorway and held it for his companion. In walked Fluttershy accompanied by the bell attached to the doorway.

"Well that was easy," Elusive remarked under his breath. He stood up, grinned, and strutted over to greet the rest of their party. 

Rarity could only watch in awe as her old friend conducted herself with something akin to confidence of all things. Maybe comfort would be a better term. In any case, it was something Rarity decidedly lacked at that moment. 

"Good morning!" came Fluttershy's greeting with a glowing smile. 

Her lookalike filed in beside her. Directly beside her. "I hope you weren't waiting long."

Elusive waved a hoof dismissively. "Not at all. I had to catch up on some current events anyhow."

"Oh my," the pegasus mare said, eyeing the magazines. "You didn't take those too seriously did you?"

The unicorn stallion's visage faltered for the briefest moment. "Er-no. Of course not. I can recognize sensationalism when I see it." 

"That's good. We wouldn't want you learning anything wrong if you haven't gotten any memories back yet."

"Yes. Well, I'd meant to get to that last night but I didn't sleep well with the storm going on anyhow."

Both pegasi tilted their heads in confustion. "Storm?" They asked in unison. 

Rarity's eyes nearly popped out of her head. What in heaven's name do you mean 'Storm?' What were you two doing that could have possibly distracted you from all that?

Those thoughts would have to remain thoughts. As much as she would have liked to act shocked, this was a quiet establishment. 

"In any case," the unicorn mare said, rising to her hooves. "I'm glad you two could make it. Now, what say we show our new friends around our favorite spot in town?"


...


The spa party was spared a wait for the sauna, much to Rarity's surprise. This was one of the few days of the week when she didn't have some treatment or other. She'd merely assumed they would pull in business today as well. 

The pleasantly scorching environment didn't lend itself well to conversation. Just as well. Rarity hadn't a clue what she might say to the pegasus duo or her own counterpart for that matter. So she settled for observing. Fluttershy and Butterscotch sat beside one another, backs against the wooden wall and clad in white robes. If either one was feeling uncomfortable or uneasy, they weren't showing it. 

Then there was Rarity's own counterpart sitting catercorner to everypony else. He once again hid his face from her, this time with a towel draped over his eyes. She would have thought he was asleep if she didn't know herself better. One had to be careful of getting too much steam. 

And that leaves me, the pony that manages to be a nervous wreck on a spa day with her friends. Rarity glanced at her companions once again. First the pegasi, then her fellow unicorn. Why haven't we hit it off that well? How come Fluttershy always gets to- no! Stop that, Rarity! We've been over this. Green isn't your color. Be happy for her.

And she was, truly. That is, if she was as happy as she seemed with her situation. 

I wonder if we should still split up to talk. If something was indeed wrong, Fluttershy is the type to hide it for fear of inconveniencing us.

A knock drew the mare out of her rumination. Had it been that long already? 

The group lethargically strolled out of the sauna in a cloud of steam, breathing in the relatively cool air outside. 

"That was nice," Butterscotch remarked, looking like he was half asleep. "What do we do next?"

"We usually go for face masks and mud baths now," Fluttershy answered. "Would you like to do that?"

"I would lo-"

"I'm afraid Butterscotch and I will have to decline," Elusive answered for them both. "We'll head for the massage tables and meet you at the tub. Does that sound good to you?"

He waited for the pegasi's stuttered beginnings of replies before rushing away with his fellow stallion in tow. 

Oh, Rarity thought, somewhat dazed from the abrupt exit of their companions. Well that was effective, I suppose.

The pegasus mare wasn't so understanding, instead pouting at their escape. "Why did he do that," she asked. 

The unicorn didn't anticipate her friend questioning the split the previous morning. "Uh- well. Er, perhaps Elusive needed a moment to confide in somepony going through the same ordeal. I don't know about Butterscotch, but Elusive was having somewhat of a hard time settling in yesterday."

Fluttershy traded her pout for sympathy. "Oh no. I didn't think he'd be having trouble. I hope he figures everything out."

"Me too, darling," Rarity responded, tugging at the neck of her robe. "Me too."


...


"You've got to help me, man!"

"Um. 'Man'?" 

Immediately upon leaving the mares' sights, Elusive thrust Butterscotch to the wall and began pleading in the loudest whisper Butterscotch had ever heard. 

"I'm at wit's end!" the unicorn continued. He whipped his head about as though he were being pursued in the empty hallway, all the while violating Butterscotch's prized personal space. 

The pegasus calmly removed the hooves that pinned to the wall, sending a distraught Elusive into a pacing fit. 

"Please settle down," Butterscotch asked in his 'disarm a wild animal' voice. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?! It's my damned luck that's wrong! Putting me in her hooves!"

"Rarity? You don't like her?"

Elusive's pacing grew faster. "What kind of sick, twisted fate delivers a stallion to a bloody goddess and deprives him of his ability to interact with her! Like her?! I am enamored! Stricken! Enraptured! And her work! Her beautiful work! I wept as soon as I left her sight! What service do you give to a master artisan?"

Butterscotch did his best to pick apart his friend's purple prose but found the words without a serious conflict. Certainly nothing that would elicit this type of reaction. 

"She all but delivered me from nonexistence and offered me a place in her home," Elusive carried on. A noticeable divot had formed beneath his hooves. "What can one say to that? 'Thank you'?"

"I think that happened to all of us," Butterscotch responded weakly. 

The purple-maned, verbose bundle of nerves paused in its efforts to dig through the spa's foundation. "It has? Goodness, man! Why didn't you say so earlier?!"

"I still don't know what 'man' means."

"How did you do it then?"

"Do what?"

"Win your lady's heart! What was it? Gifts? A poem?"

"I didn't 'win her' anything. I, uh, made dinner is all."

Elusive's gaze into his friend's eyes shifted about a thousand yards back. "Dinner...Goodness it's so obvious! It would have been so simple! Oh, but it's too late now."

A less kind pony may have resorted to sarcasm in response to such melodrama. However, thanks to his boundless patience, Butterscotch still managed a genuine response. "Why?"

"Well it's no longer impressive! Surely she must be upset with me after failing to take initiative. Or perhaps I haven't even earned her attention yet." He stroked his chin and resumed pacing once more.

"Why do you need to impress her?"

"Because as far as she knows, I'm a deadbeat with nothing to offer."

"You're a copy of her."

"And what if I'm a bad one? No. I need something better. A grand gesture of my passion! But what?"

Butterscotch feared the rut beneath the other stallion's hooves would soon meet the foundation. That, and it would appear suspicious if they loitered in the halls of the spa instead of receiving treatment. 

"Um, can we think about that while we do, you know, spa things."

"Hm? Oh. But of course." Elusive climbed out of his hole and followed their initial course to the massage room. "That is the purpose of this outing, isn't it? Speaking of, how has your time with Fluttershy been?"

A wide, blissful smile grew upon the yellow pegasus's face at the thought of her. He took a deep breath, readying a deluge of presumably positive words.


...
 

"He's wonderful! Just wonderful!"

That appeared to be the consensus. After Rarity's inquiry, Fluttershy suddenly found her voice along with the voices of at least twenty other ponies. The events of the previous night flowed out of her unimpeded by the green goop being slathered on their faces. 

There may have been some embellishing. Small stuff, though. I mean, Butterscotch didn't exactly pacify a pack of wild beasts with his voice alone. But he definitely would have!

"He's so kind and gentle and- and just..." the pegasus mare trailed off, hugging her hooves to her chest.

Rarity removed one of the cucumber slices on her eyes to stare at her friend in disbelief. She was swooning! Fluttershy was unabashedly swooning in front of all three ponies in the room!

Okay, maybe that part is fine. But still!

"But I've been talking this whole time," Fluttershy said, releasing her tight hug on her chest. "How are you? How did yesterday go for you?"

Abysmally.

"Just fine," Rarity lied. "We got back to the boutique, I gave him the tour, and then he got to work on his wardrobe."

"Oh! What is he making? How does it look?"

"I wish I knew, darling. He's hidden any and all of his work from me. After he locked himself in my sewing room, I didn't see him again until this morning."

"He's probably just having a hard time adjusting."

"Butterscotch seemed to be doing fine. And, no offense dear, but I think you and him are a bit more timid than myself and Elusive."

"You never know. If it hadn't been for the cub in the forest, last night might not have gone so well. Elusive probably just needs a distraction from his, er..."

Rarity shook her hooves in front of her as though either of them could see through the cucumbers on their eyes. "It's not important right now. Nothing I can't handle. So what are your plans for the rest of the day?"

"Well, I guess we could go to town hall and see if Butterscotch can work with me. That will take care of money and, well, everything I guess."

Fluttershy frowned. Surely there was some other pressing concern. 

"That's a good idea," the unicorn said, suddenly pensive. "I wonder if Elusive still wants to work with me."

"Why wouldn't he? He obviously likes making clothes."

"I suppose you're right about that," she lied convincingly. 

It's the "with me" part I'm unsure of.


...


Butterscotch had begun to question why he'd come to the spa. The sauna was fine and so was the company, but then most of the company went away. Next he'd been subject to a stranger's hoof on his back at which point he'd abstained entirely from the massage only to watch his companion get his back assaulted. A quick shampooing later, he was settling into the hot tub having skipped nearly everything they had to offer here. His experiences seemed to amount to an expensive public shower, all things considered.

I mean, it was still a nice shower.

Conversation had died down after he and Elusive shared how their night had gone. That was, after all, all they had to share. 

"Oh, I almost forgot," Butterscotch said, clapping his hooves. 

"Hm?" his friend acknowledged him without opening his eyes. 

"Have you had any of those, um, visions we're supposed to get?"

"I hardly understood what that mare was talking about. What's her name? Twilight?" He looked at Butterscotch expectantly. "It's probably Twilight. In any case, I haven't experienced those "visions" either."

"I'm just worried about getting them at a bad time. Rainbow Blitz said we'd get headaches and pass out."

"Take what that stallion says with a grain of salt, Butterscotch."

"You don't think we can trust him?"

"It's not that we shouldn't trust him, per se. He just seems like the mischievous type."

The pegasus nodded thoughtfully. "I had the same impression. But how? Sure he woke us up a little, um, loudly. But I wouldn't be able to tell based on that alone."

"Perhaps that's how these "visions" work. I feel as though I have vague impressions of most of those ponies we met yesterday."

"Could it just be intuition? It would be silly to warn us of passing out if all we'll get is a first impression."

"Who knows? For now, I'm content to take whatever memories come to mind, vague or otherwise. In fact, I already feel comfortable calling you my friend." Elusive smiled across the hot tub. 

Butterscotch smiled back. "Me too."

They didn't hug, of course. Fragile masculinity would see to that. Also wet fur on wet fur is gross unless you're real friendly with somepony. 

"Hello?" came a voice outside of the hot tub. The stallions turned to the sound to see Fluttershy approaching donning her robe and a towel wrapped on her head. "Oh good. You're already here."

"Yes," the unicorn admitted. "Our treatment was a tad abbreviated."

"But I think this is the best part anyway," Butterscotch added.

Fluttershy shed her robe and slipped into the water next to her clone.

"Ah," she sighed. "I do too."

Elusive smirked at the couple subtly shifting themselves until they were nearly on top of one another. "So what brings you here so early?" he said.

"I, um, don't usually like the massages here. Usually I wait with Rarity, but I assumed you two would be here so I skipped on ahead."

"That sounds familiar. Doesn't it, Butterscotch?"

The pegasus stallion shrugged. "I guess we share a lot with them."

Fluttershy glanced at her companions' smiles happily. Elusive is adjusting just fine, she thought. They both are.

"Well speaking of skipping," Elusive sighed while rising out of the tub. "I'm afraid I'll have to skip out on you two."

The pegasi's heads tilted in identical expressions of disappointment. 

"But Rarity isn't even here yet," they protested.

"And I'm terribly sorry to miss her, but I must get to work. Tell Rarity that I apologize. Have a nice day, you two."

And with that, the unicorn draped a towel over his back and left the yellow duo to themselves.

Almost.

"One more thing," Elusive called, poking his head back through the doorway. "Do keep that conversation of ours between us, won't you?"

He then left for real, not waiting for an answer. 

Fluttershy cast a curious gaze up at her clone's face. "What did he mean by that?"

"I-I'm not allowed to tell you. I think."

"Oh. Right."

The bubbles streaming of the sides of the tub were the only sound while the duo settled further into a cuddle, thinking of a way to discuss the conversation without betraying their friend. 

It wasn't a Pinky promise, but they don't even know what that is, Fluttershy thought. Does that mean it's just as serious?

"Did Rarity say anything about Elusive?" her clone asked. "How he was acting?"

"Just that he was having trouble adjusting. She said he was working all night and wouldn't let her see what he'd made. I don't think they've talked much yet."

Butterscotch brought a hoof to his chin "Hm."

"Is something wrong?"

"Maybe? Elusive said he'd do something about his 'problem'-if you can call it that- but..."

Fluttershy opened her mouth to ask more, but secrecy killed the words in her throat. "Do you think they'll work it out, whatever it is?" she asked instead, choosing the vaguest terms possible. 

Butterscotch scowled. "They'll have to if I'm not allowed to talk about it."

The mare brought her hooves to her face to fiddle with her mane, only to remember her mane was imprisoned in the towel atop her head. How was she to think and worry without anything to help her fiddle?

The stallion must have had similar thoughts, his hooves absently finding their way to her shoulders while he pondered what disasters could result from a "grand romantic gesture" from Elusive. 

"Oh..." she sighed, head falling against his chest.

"Hm? O-oh sorry. You just said you don't like-"

"Ngh-no. It's okay."

Unconvinced, the stallions hooves hung over her shoulders. 

"Could you," she began, chewing her lip. "Could you keep going, please?"

Butterscotch's face flushed ever so slightly. The near scalding water now felt frigid compared to the heat in his chest. Wordlessly, he did as he was told and returned to massaging his companion's shoulders.

And suddenly the problems of two melodramatic unicorns felt a little less important. Oh boo hoo, I don't know if she'll like me. I don't know how to talk to him. Get over it.

Perhaps such rude thoughts weren't going through their heads. More likely nothing was going through their heads. Just the sounds of the bubbles, the gentle caress of hooves on fur, the rise and fall of relaxed breaths.

Peace.

As if Celestia herself could sense the serenity of the scene, golden rays of sunlight shot down from the skylights and cast a glow on the shimmering fur of the tub's little lovers. 

"Aww."

That wasn't the chorus of angels. 

Dragged from their quiet minds, the pegasi opened their eyes. The other unicorn in their group was already settled into the tub and watching their PDA for who knows how long.

"Oh don't mind me, darlings. You're just so adorable, I couldn't help myself."

Not to be embarrassed by a hot tub snuggle, neither Fluttershy nor Butterscotch made an effort to move. The touching stopped, though.

"S-sorry Rarity," they sputtered. 

"For what? I was the one keeping you."

"Um, how was your massage?" Fluttershy asked. 

Rarity raised an eyebrow and proceeded to wiggle it. "I believe I should be asking that, dear."

That may have been the line. The pegasus couple turned red and refused to meet her eyes. 

"Relax you two. I'm only teasing." She looked around and back to the door. "I take it Elusive is still taking his time with his mane?"

Now the pegasi met one another's eyes, sharing a grimace. 

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Um," Butterscotch began suddenly wishing he had enough mane of his own to fiddle with. "Elusive left a little bit ago. He said he needed to get to work."

"And he told us to tell you he's sorry he had to leave early," Fluttershy finished. 

And there went the conversational advantage along with the feeling that she wasn't third wheeling it in her favorite spa.

She'd begun wordlessly rising back out of the tub, much to her friends' confusion. 

"Are you leaving early too?"

"Oh. Yes. I-er- you know I just remembered I had to...check on...ugh something."

Fluttershy was reasonably certain she'd never seen her friend scurry before. But hey, a lot of new stuff was happening today. 

A swirly purple tail disappeared out of the room followed by a magically floating towel, leaving the pegasi to their peace once again. 

"I'm worried again," Butterscotch admitted, still looking where the unicorn had run away.

Fluttershy nodded. "Me too."