My Little Crappy
MY LITTLE CRAPPY
BY PARODYPRODUCTIONS
I live my life, one day at a time. A good portion of these days are very uneventful, especially considering that my parents are dead and I live in a run down neighborhood. Oh, and I also work at McDonalds, which is very boring, because we have a bad manager, so we always get our food late. By the time we serve it, it tastes like someone stuck a burger up their...you get the idea. Life pretty much sucks. Sometimes I play video games, or watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Every so often, something interesting happens: I meet a new prostitute, I get more than five bucks by robbing an old guy, or I get chased by the crazy cat lady across the street.
Living in a ruined city is pretty much the crappiest thing ever. This neighborhood was once full of life, and color, but now...now its full of sex offenders, crazy people, and old guys who shout "Get offa mah lawn!" at you. I've heard there used to be businesses here, but I never got to see that. Which is very funny, considering I have a job. However, I have seen pictures of this place when it was thriving. There weren't as many strip clubs back then...My mother and father lived an okay life, and they wished for me to be happy...
Sadly, I've had the shittiest life in all of Craptwon.
I've fallen into the same crappy, pathetic routine: wake up, walk to work, work, rob an old guy, stare in some chick's bathroom, walk home, and bum around until I go to sleep. I do have some fun moments, but all of the shit I put up with everyday just makes the happiness obsolete. My Little Pony has helped, but after reading Cupcakes, the fuck got scared out of me. Every time I see Pinkie Pie on the show, or on the fan site, I cringe a bit at the thought of what she did to poor Rainbow Dash, and to all of those helpless foals, not to mention Gilda. It's so hard to look at that pony, right in front of my eyes. I reach out to punch her in the face for mutilating my favorite pony.
Only to break my computer screen. Crap, that's the third one this week.
I snapped back to reality, remembering that Pinkie Pie didn't actually do that, it was a fan fiction! It gets to the point sometimes where my computer will literally crash and I will just walk away to go to some chick's house and stalk them. I do that a lot, especially after my parents died, so they couldn't stop me from doing it. I stalk chicks. When I feel sad, I stalk. When I feel tired, I stalk. When I feel like stalking... I stalk. Stalking has become a very big hobby; I spend at least half my day looking through broken windows and getting screamed at by different women.
In my years of living in this shit-hole, I've seen people come and go. I've seen buildings torn down and burnt up, which is really not safe for other people, as well as seen so much graffiti that people have come to our neighborhood and asked where the entrance to the art museum is. When I'm on my way to stalk girls, I almost never see anyone else. Most people don't like to look at their once beautiful city. Either that, or they just think I'm a creep. Probably the beautiful city thing.
The only thing I've seen that looks close to what this town used to be are my mom's paintings. However, my mom never made any money because most of her crappy art sucked, so that's probably why I'm stuck here in the first place. She started painting once she lost her job, which was idiotic because she could have used the time she spent painting to, I don't know, maybe GET A NEW JOB? The only remotely good painting she has is one of a rainbow. That smudgy rainbow is the only colorful thing that's real in my house. Perhaps it's why I like Rainbow Dash so much. That, or maybe because she's the best bucking pony you'll ever meet.
There have been times when I wanted my own Rainbow Dash. Mostly a REAL one, but that's unlikely, so I settled on wanting a plush. I couldn't get one, so I made a crappy one myself. What? It's not like I'll just find a filly Rainbow Dash sitting in a crappy cardboard box! That's so unlikely! Even though I'm pretty sure now that I'm going to find one in a box, still! I needed to be realistic and stick with my sorry excuse of a plush doll.
It would have to do.
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Today, as usual, I walked to work, robbing a helpless old lady on the way to pay for my breakfast: a McGriddle. It was the same, old, shitty pile of shit, just a different shitty day. Shit! I stepped in a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. I walked into the McDonalds and grabbed a bite to eat, then proceeded to my shift. It lasted a few hours, and then I went to the bathroom to make a shit. That also lasted a few hours. On my way home, I decided to stalk a girl I hadn't stalked before. I took a different path from the one I usually saw. It was a somehow crappier part of town than where I came from. How was that even possible? I found a window and noticed a woman washing her hands in the bathroom, so I decided to get a peek. I hated this town. It was the only sight I've seen. Or, for that matter, would ever see.
Or so I thought, until I tripped attempting to look in the window.
I stood up and rubbed the dirt off of my legs. I wondered what shit had tripped me this time, so I looked to see a crappy old cardboard box. That sounds familiar. Now, don't get me wrong, I see all kinds of crap lying in the street. Most of it is McDonalds crap, actually, which makes me feel kinda bad about my job. However, I rarely see a crappy box that's not really ruined one way or another. Besides the smashed front, scribbled on sides, and ripped up back, the box wasn't touched at all. I used to pick up crap, until I realized most the crap came from me. Now, I just let it float away and be free. If no one wants to pick it up, then fuck them.
I decided to leave to go to a different window. It would be much easier to peep without a box in my way. It hadn't really seemed too important anyways, because I was pretty damn sure there wouldn't be a filly Rainbow Dash inside. I was almost home, and the box kept finding its way back into my puny brain. Not sure why. I walked into my house and instantly felt the urge to go spy on that one chick with the box blocking the window. I turned around and left my house, walking back to the spot with the box.
Within minutes I found it, sitting there, a piece of crap, with no use to anyone. Ever. However, my curiosity was now wanting to know more of the box, not the girl in the house. I walked closer, and I began to notice something inside. It was multiple bright colors, and it was a size of a Labrador puppy. You'll never guess what happened next!
I stepped right next to the box and looked at the fuzzy, colorful blob which rested inside.
This is where I stand, deciding whether I should look at the chick in the house or the small...something. No, I knew exactly what it was, I just wanted to add dramatic effect to the story, even though you know what it is. So, let me name a few things that it isn't: a toy, a child, a pack of booze (darn), a complete set of every My Little Pony Episode, and a weapon. It also was NOT a filly of Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, or any of the characters in the show that nobody cares about. I saw it breathing. Because apparently, it's surprising for living things to breath. Then, I noticed it was sleeping. It seems like looking at it for that long, I should have been able to process what it was. My hands were sweating, and I was debating whether or not I should confuse you with any more of my feelings that had no reason to be showing at the moment, such as: doing cartwheels, jumping up and down, or taking pictures of the cute thing of which I cannot say what it is yet to make the story more dramatic. I blinked a few times, because maybe I was just high, and I needed to sober up.
But every time I opened my eyes, the crappy box's contents were the same. It was was a small, cute, fuzzy-wuzzy, fluffy and puffy sleeping... here it comes... drum roll please... filly Rainbow Dash! I know! I bet you never saw that coming!
I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was impossible for me to believe it. Okay, I decided to believe it. I swiftly did what any sensible person would do, and I picked her up and shoved her in my jacket. Then, I pet her mane and watched as the startled filly went back to sleep. My heart exploded, which probably isn't very safe, and I began my walk home.
On my way home, I made sure that nobody saw her. Actually, one guy did, but let's just say he won't be a problem anymore. I wasn't sure how they would react, so I kept an eye out for people. Of course, the one guy reacted by attempting to call animal control, and we know how that turned out. I hope the fish in that pond like human! I almost missed my house, but because of my porch light, I was able to see it and get in there without much trouble. I have one of very few houses on the street, which means the entire street is dark unless my lights are on. It;'s actually pretty helpful, it's easier for me to rob old guys that way.
I made a lot of noise getting my keys out, and the crazy old lady across the street shouted at me. I ignored the old bitch and opened the door. Rainbow Dash was set on the ground while I looked at the portrait of my mom and dad. "Hey," I said, speaking to the picture, "Mom, dad, guess what? I GOT A FUCKING PEGASUS!" Immediately after I shouted, Rainbow jumped on my father's old armchair and took a piss. "Oh, come on!" I said, "Already? What are you even doing in this hell-hole?"
I began gathering cleaning materials as Dash explored some more, making two more pisses and a shit as she ventured through the living room. I had to clean those, too. I decided to be nice to the thing. "So," I asked, "are you lost?"
I'm an idiot, she probably couldn't even understand me. She didn't respond, other than lowering her head. I guess she understood, and she's lost? Nope, she was just looking at another puddle of piss. I cleaned it angrily. She better quit. "I suppose you can stay with me," I said, "as long as you stop making my house crappier than it already is."
She smiled and started running in circles. I had to admit, it was kind of cute. I was going to love and tolerate the shit out of her.
I showed her the rest of my house. When we got to my bedroom, she started tearing my underwear that I had left on the ground in half. I decided that was enough exploring for the day. There wasn't much to see anyways. We went to the kitchen and I got her a bite to eat. Now, I'm not so good with cartoons, but real ponies are vegetarians, so I stuffed a carrot in her mouth. She ate it, but when I gave her another, she refused and instead jumped up on the counter and stole my bread, gobbling it all down within seconds. This was going to be somewhat difficult.
She then sat in my dad's chair. I didn't dare sit in it, it was HIS chair. Maybe if I sat in it, he'd come back from the dead just to bring me down with him. I shuddered, then looked over to Rainbow to see that the filly was freezing. I handed her a blanket. Shortly afterward, I passed out. When I awoke, it scared the crap out of my to see a pony face staring at me. But then, when I realized it was just the filly, my heart exploded again. I really needed to get that checked out at a hospital or something.
She was laying beside me, curled into a cute blue ball. I smiled and stroked my hand through her mane. That's not creepy, is it? I realized at this moment what this meant: I could go send my shitty Rainbow Dash plush to go fuck itself in hell. I had a fucking real pony, and she was 20% cooler than any plush toy I knew of!
I let myself forget about all of my crappy life, and I just focused on one thing: Rainbow Dash. This was more joy than I had ever imagined, even when I had all of those porn sites unblocked on my computer when I was ten. I learned so many things! But unlike that porno, and unlike the My Little Pony TV show, this filly was real. I had something to love. Maybe...maybe I wasn't going to be forever alone after all.
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Four months had passed since I brought the filly home, and she has finally stopped taking shits on my carpet. I tried to find out what made her come to our world in the first place, but after minutes of searching on Google for "why would a filly Rainbow Dash come to the human world", I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't really care why she was here anyways. She sat by me as I watched television.
Dashie seemed to enjoy all of the shows that were on, such as The Walking Dead and South Park. She was only four months old, but...she's not a human, so those show couldn't hurt her? Right? She does act like some little child, which is disappointing, because that means I'll have to wait a while to get her true awesomeness to show up. Another cool thing is that she's learning to speak. She learned the word "Fuck" when the South Park movie came on, and they started saying "Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker!" I'm not much of a teacher, and I'm probably a crappy parent, but I did my best to teach her how to talk and how to read. I decided to wait on teaching her writing, I really didn't think that if I put a pencil in my mouth I could write something that wasn't shitty. I would just have to do my best.
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Usually, a year in my life seemed so slow. I would always look forward to the next year, hoping that some new drug store would open, because I haven't had booze in years. Now, I feel as if this year had gone by so quickly. It was as if I just "dashed" through time. I suck at making puns. Because I don't know her real birthday, I made the day I found her the day I celebrate her birthday. It was September 17th, the same day My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Season 2 aired. Odd, how I would remember that.
I haven't gotten a chance to watch My Little Pony since I found Dashie, because if she knew who she really was, it would freak her out. I thought about getting rid of her, because I was missing Season 4. Honestly, she wasted time that I could have spent watching the show. That little bitch! I went to her room and was about to tell her to scram, then I remembered that I really don't need the show. She knew her name was Rainbow Dash, and I called her Pinkie's pet name of "Dashie", which she was fine with. She even knew she differed from humans, and if anybody saw her, bad things might happen, but she didn't know who she really was. She can fully communicate with English now, and I really didn't want her to catch what those ponies were saying. She's also starting to learn to write with her mouth.
I tried making devices for her hoof so she could write like that rather than with her mouth, but when I named the finished product "The Pegasus Device", she kind of freaked out. Not sure why. What troubled me is that every day for a while, she sat by the window, peering out at all of the hookers on the street with a bored look on her face. I'm not worried about her getting seen, the hookers are too busy to notice, and the drug dealers just assume that they're high. What troubles me is I can see the hunger in her eyes, hunger for blood. No, Not blood, I mean, fresh air. The blood thing is that crazy cat lady. I couldn't keep Rainbow Dash in my house forever if she wanted outside.
I realized that I was talking as if she would always be here, with me. No, one day, she'd be gone, whether it was her being kidnapped, a magical "poof" and she's gone, or maybe Twilight comes and uses some fucking spell on her and they leave, which would allow me to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic again. Yeah, I was kind of a dick back then, I cared almost as much about a show as I did for Dashie. In my heart, I hope that never happens, because my hear might just explode too much and I'd die. In my head, I knew it was just a matter of when and how it happens.
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She did it. She really didn't. I couldn't believe that she did it. Can you believe that she did it? Because she did it. It's surprising that she did it. After two years of training, absolutely no knowledge of flying, and a six pack of beer from the new drug store, I helped her learn to fly. She had gotten pretty big, and one old guy spotted her when we were in the park, but a buck to the face by Rainbow Dash and everything was okay. I began making her wear this dog costume to hide her, and that did NOT make her happy. She started using her colorful vocabulary she'd learned about from the TV. So I decided I would teach her to fly, using books about teaching Birds how to fly. It was close enough.
I was going to look on the internet, but I didn't want Rainbow Dash to look, because she might have seen my search history from before I had found her. It's bad enough I let her watch South Park, which I did take away. Now she watches SpongeBob and NASCAR. She and I really laugh when people get severely injured in a crash, just because it looks cool.
I took her to the park for a few weeks, hoping that I could get that magical pony into the air. We practiced in this tree that hovered right over the sidewalk. That way, if she fell, she'd really get hurt, so she'd learn fast that if she doesn't fly, bad things happen. It...didn't quite work. I just ended up having to treat a bunch of scrapes. I figured she'd be smart enough to fly, after all, she WAS Rainbow Dash. After many weeks of work, she was flying overhead, for everybody to see her and try to take her! I'm so smart! Maybe she could move clouds like in the show? I guess she could hide in a cloud when we went places.
She also asked me about getting a new room. "Fuck you," I replied, but then after seeing her cute impression of a puppy dog face, I agreed to give her the spare guest room. It wasn't like I knew anyone who wanted to come to my house, anyway. It was full of porno magazines, but she was getting older, so they might have entertained her. On second thought, I didn't want her to be as fucked up in the head as I am, so I decided I would get her some things of her own. She was pretty smart for just a filly, and she also had determined that she's not a human. That's surprising, because if I were a blue pegasus, and I lived with a human, I would have thought we were exactly the same. She still had no idea what she really was, and I didn't think she was ready yet. All I could do for now was continue to make her happy.
I could only wish I had a way to steal the things she wanted. Which I did, I owned a gun, but that's beside the point. Maybe I should buy her the stuff? Try to be a better person? And while I'm at it, I could get rid of my booze?
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If you told me four years ago that I'd be taking care of a cartoon, rainbow colored pony, I'd fucking throw you in the mental institute. I probably should be in there, in reality, but that doesn't matter. I made Rainbow Dash happy, and that made me happy. Also, I needed to celebrate today. She got her Cutie Mark.
She didn't even know what it was until I explained it to her, which was very hard to do without explaining where she was from. It happened at the park. She wanted to see how high she could get. I gave her a big bag of cocaine. Then, she explained she wanted to reach a high altitude, not to get high on drugs. I tried to limit her flying heights, but considering I wasn't up there, I couldn't do anything about it. So, I just told her to be careful that she didn't die.
Somewhere on her way up, she decided to see how fast she could go. I wasn't sure if it was because she watched NASCAR, or because if she didn't, her character wouldn't be the same as it is in the show. Probably the NASCAR thing. She had been trying to make up a bunch of tricks and some names for them, and I cheered her on. I drove everyone out after making threats t kill them if they said anything about Rainbow Dash to anyone. WE were the only ones left about a year ago. I heard some manufacturing company that makes condoms is buying out the place, but I wasn't worried about that right now. I was just happy that Rainbow Dash finally figured out something she was good at other than watching TV. It didn't matter how I raised her, she turned out the same as she was in the show.
Wow, that was a lot of explaining. Back what we were talking about. She raised up really high, focusing on every little detail: where she was, her position, what I was cheering at her, and how fast she was going. Wow. That's what she said. I dropped my jaw when I saw her zoom down and BAM! She broke the sound barrier, and a sonic rainboom appeared right before my eyes.
Now, I didn't expect such a thing in my world to be possible. I knew you could break the sound barrier, because somehow, I'm an expert about sound barriers and how fast you must go to break them, but I had no idea you could actually pull off the rainboom. My mind was blown. Which, like my heart, really wasn't that healthy. The explosion made car alarms in the next county go off. A bunch of windows shattered, and a lot of trees fell. I quickly got her to run home with me before we got caught. Luckily, my house wasn't damaged, so it didn't get any shittier.
We celebrated her achievement when we got home. It was also her fourth birthday, according to the day I found her, so we celebrated that too. I was going to get a cake, but I destroyed a lot of the businesses. Plus, I'm not sure how the population counting my and Dashie is two, but there's businesses in town. Odd. I decided we'd make a cake. Just like in Cupcakes, she couldn't really bake. When I told her I just needed her help making some of them, but I'd be doing most of the work, her eyes widened, but then she sighed and nodded, realizing that this wasn't Cupcakes. I'm not such a good baker either, but we had fun making the shittiest cake in the world.
Though that made her really happy, I was even more happy when she was going to HER room to sleep. Yay, I have room on the bed! Now, I can sleep with all of the space I need. However, I decided not to be a dick, and I left the door to my room open, just in case she needed something. I tucked her into bed, and out came a few words from her mouth.
"Goodnight, daddy. I love you."
Wow. Just...wow. She was loving and tolerating the shit out of me. That was my job! Yet, it felt warm to know she said that. It flt so good, my heart exploded twice! Not only did she call me "daddy", but she also said "I love you".
I didn't know what to say. Things were moving so fast! Wait, she's my daughter, not my girlfriend. My mom and dad never said I love you to me, probably because he said I was a "Worthless sack of goddamned mother fucking shit". So, I did what I thought I was supposed to do, and leaned down to kiss her forehead.
"Goodnight, my little Dashie. I love you too."
She smiled at me, then closed her eyes to sleep. I turned off the light, walked over to my phone, and called the doctor.
"Hello," a receptionist said on the other line, "you've reached the clinic. What can I do for you?"
"Yes," I said into the phone, "I'd like to make a doctor's appointment. My heart keeps exploding, and I'm not sure that's so safe."
"Okay," she replied, "where do you live?"
"Craptown," I said,
"Oh, I'm sorry, we don't accept white trash at the clinic," she said, and with that, the call ended. I sighed. Oh well, I'll deal with the heart thing later.
I sat on the couch, and became lost in thought. I had been there for an hour, thinking about what she just said. It reminded me of clopping, which made me shudder that I ever did that to pictures of who is now my daughter. She called me daddy. Holy shit. That's all I can say. Holy. Shit. She considers me her dad, and I consider her my daughter. Fuck yeah, my daughter is Rainbow Dash! SUCK IT BITCHES! I realized I was actually screaming, and Rainbow Dash was starting to wake up. Whoops.
It makes me sad, knowing that one day, she'll be taken from me. She'll be taken away from this crap shack, and the shitty world of shit will never again have a magical pony in it. Shit, I didn't want that kind of shit to happen. I didn't want her to leave. But I knew it was going to happen. I hoped she would at least remember shit that happened here, because I sure as fucking hell will.
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Dashie was now at her full size. She was still only ten according to my shitty math, but after doing some pretty fucking hard calculations, I somehow came to the conclusion that we skipped five birthdays. Some parent I am. I made up for that by giving her a bunch of shitty gifts. But that's not all I gave her. I gambled my way up to wealth at a casino, and I used the money to buy a new house. I no longer was going to live in Craptown, the shittiest place on Earth. The new house has a bunch of open space for her to just fly around without getting caught. It's the good life, BITCH!
I also got a job at a Burger King, and I eventually became the manager, which paid double what the McDonalds did and the food was fresh, so it didn't taste like someone had shoved it up their...never mind that. Dashie was thinking about working for me, but then I reminded her that if she got seen in public, shit would go down. She was really disappointed. She also misses the old park. The condom factory flattened it out. The city has a crap ton of money now, but...it wasn't for us. There was no where she could fly and be free. So, here's what I'm going to say: Fuck you, condoms. Fuck you. All you do is help prevent STDs and take land from people so you can build condom factories. Fuck you! I got a fucking pony! SO SUCK IT, CONDOMS! Ahem, sorry about that.
Dashie and I were going to make another cake in our new kitchen. However, even though my baking skills had improved, hers had not. I explained it was because she was a pony, and ponies don't make cakes and shit. She got really upset. I realized that I had made fun of her because she was a pony, even though she was the most amazing thing to ever exsist. EVER.
I ended up apologizing for a long time, and even though she said it was fine, I knew she was hurt inside. I could feel the hate, man! I could just FEEL it! I knew how she felt inside, always. I'm like the lord of the ponies. Nah, not really. But I could tell she was hurt inside. Her face gave it away. Her face, which is on the outside, gives away her heart's feelings, which are on the inside. Makes perfect sense, right? I made it up to her by buying a new lawn mower and allowing her to get paid for cutting the grass. That way, she could claim that she gets money and she gets shit done. Plus, I'm too lazy to do it myself.
I couldn't believe it had been ten years now. Ten years since I chose the box over that hot chick in the bathroom. I didn't really care too much. I would've liked to check her out, but...then again...I got a fucking RAINBOW DASH! I can't escape the feeling that my time with her is running out. Like Celestia and the other Mane 6 that I don't live with will just march into my house and take her. Huh. Funny how I keep predicting the future.
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SHIT! FUCKING GODDAMNED PIECE OF SHIT! RRR... DAMMIT! She found out. It as the worst day of my life so far. Except for that time when I found out I was getting fired from Pizza Hut...no. This is worse. This is the worst fucking thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't even get to tell her. She just... found out. She's as angry as fuck, and I don't know how I could ever make it up to her. She went to her room, but knowing her, she probably flew out the window. I really should keep those things locked from the outside, she gets away way too often.
I'm a dick.
I needed to tell her sooner, so that shit like this wouldn't happen. We are both suffering for the shit that I've done. Apparently, Charter's HD Cable deal comes with HUB Network! And In HD! Yay, right? NO! FUCKING NO! Even though that damn show stopped at eight seasons, they show the reruns! THIS REALLY IS A PAIN IN THE ASS!
I walked home, carrying several groceries in with me, including milk, eggs, some bread, a box of pregnancy pills for Rainbow Dash (you never know), and a few different types of fruit. I was carrying them into the kitchen. I set them next to the sink and started washing my hands, and I heard a familiar voice: "YAY! SHE DID IT! WHOO! SHE DID IT! A SONIC RAINBOOM!" I spun around, flinging Dashie's pregnacy pills into the sink with one arm, and hitting the garbage disposal switch with the other. DAMMIT!
First, I lose her pregnancy pills. Those things are fucking expensive! And to make it worse, she sees not only an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship if Magic, but the Sonic fucking Rainboom episode! I fell over on the floor, making a loud thud. I stood back up to see her watering eyes.
"How long..." she said, with no emotion in her voice.
"Mine?" I asked. "About 10 inches, why?"
"How long have you known about this?"
"I..." OH! She meant the SHOW! Not my penis!
"HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ABOUT THIS? HOWLONGHOWLONGHOWLONGIHATEYOUFUCKYOUTOHELL!"
Well, that was over quick. However, I felt so bad, I actually felt a tear roll down my face. I steal from old people, dammit! I was getting soft! I quietly sat down and turned the TV off. I hugged her, and told her everything. She had stopped crying now, which I was glad of because my shirt was getting annoyingly wet, an I didn't want to chafe.
"Well," she said. "I guess..."
"You guess?" I asked, hoping she was simply accepting it.
"I guess...there's only one thing to say..." I remained silent. "And that thing is...FUCK YOU!"
I was taken aback that my daughter would say that to me, but inside my head I chuckled that she said that to me. She flew up to her room. When I checked on her, there was no response, which told me she had left. I could only hope she returned. If she didn't well, I'd resume my fucked up life.If she doesn't return, I hope some portal pops up and takes her back to Equestria, where she can live a happy life away from my shitty world. At this point, all I can say is I'm sorry.
I'm so...so sorry. And angry that she flipped to a channel she didn't have permission to watch.
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It had been three days since she left, and life was just as fucked up as it was when she arrived. I felt shitty, I looked shitty, and my room was shitty. If she came back, I'd clean up.When she left, I did something that I hadn't done in a LONG time: I went for a stalk. I found a chick's room and looked in on her. She was ugly, so I walked away. On my way back, it was getting dark.
A storm kicked in, and I just kept the same pace. I didn't have the energy to keep going, all I ate for breakfast was some of the leftover cake. I felt lost walking through the woods near my...no, our house. Then I realized, I was lost. I didn't have woods near my house!
The rain poured on me, but still I did not quicken my pace. I just kept going. All of the fucking shit that had happened to me before I met Dashie came back into my mind, making me feel like shit. The water dripping on the tree leaves was starting to annoy me. The constant dripping was causing me insane!
The rain came down harder, my shirt now completely soaked in the damned rain. I was surely going to be sick tomorrow, but I didn't care. Compared to my hear exploding, being sick wasn't really that much of a worry to me. Besides, I deserved every bit of it. But still...my daughter was out there somewhere, hurt, needing my help. Even though she may not want it, she needed it. She might never want to see me again, come to think of it.
Eh, who could blame her? I wouldn't like to be some cartoon pony and not know it for 15 years, either. Dashie was doing fine, I was sure. She's strong, stealthy, and if she ever needs food, she can be adorable when she needs to be. However, she holds grudges. If she ever had the choice, I had bet she wouldn't want to talk to me.
The rain was smashing into the leaves of the trees. I looked around to get an idea of where I was. I knew where I was: I was lost! Yay! That didn't matter though, I had a feeling Dashie was out here, and I needed her back. To tell her not to swear at her dad. She can't say "Fuck you" to me!
I suddenly spotted a large, thick, tall, round, black, flaky...you guessed it, tree. It's branches are thin and the ground beneath them is soaked. That meant the water was pouring in, and it was a really wet spot to be. Perfect for staying dry, right? I sat down under it. Instantly, my ass got soaked, and my head had water all over it. I didn't care, I was tired as fuck.
This is the kind of tree I'd imagine Dashie would hide under. She loves this kind of tree! I know all of her favorite trees off of the top of my head! Any parent knows their kid's favorite trees, don't they? No? Oh. I saw no sign of her anyways.
I closed my eyes and put my head back, giving me a headache as It thudded against the tree trunk. Shit! That fucking HURT! I thought about my life...our life, as a father and daughter together. WE had grown so much as a fucked up family, and had been fortunate enough to not get into too many fights. I mean, the one three days ago when she left was bad, and then there was that time when I insulted her about being a pony...oh, and that time when I...you get the idea.
I felt a tear run down my cheek as I imagined Dashie's face again. The anger in her eyes, mixed with the confusion, and the disgust that I told her how big my penis was. I wanted so badly to make things right again, to make them back to the shitty way they were before. Either that, or I could use the TARDIS to go back in time and stop the fight from happening. Nope, not gonna happen.
I'm so sorry Dashie," I said, knowing nobody could hear me.
I continued to cry as I kept my eyes closed, which seems impossible because my eyelids would need to be open for there to be tears, and I leaned against the tree. A bunch of water poured on my head, but I didn't care. I didn't give a shit anymore.
Crack!
I open my eyes from the sudden word that popped into my head. "Of course," I saw aloud, "crack will solve everything!"
"What?"
I looked to my left. I'm shocked to see what is next to me, looking at me with teary eyes herself. I know, it's really surprising, and you'll never guess who it is! She sat beside me silently. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was her. It reall was her. The one girl whom I can't mention yet if I want to add dramatic effect. It was...RAINBOW DASH! OH MY GOODNESS! WOW! NO WAY! Dashie, my little Dashie, covered in water and other shit from plants and trees, is sitting a few feet from me, wondering why the hell I just said crack would solve all of my problems.
She doesn't speak, and instead walks closer to me and sits again. I don't move, I just sit there in shock. Her eyes were red, her mane was messed up, and her face had dirt all over it.
"You look horribly fucked up," I finally said aloud.
Finally, she speaks. "I...heard you," she says sadly, "and I'm sorry too."
"Dashie," I said, "you have nothing to be sorry about. Other than saying 'fuck you' to my face. It's the HUB Network's fault, simple as that."
My point didn't get across. "Dad," she says, "do you...still...love me?"
"Dashie," I said, "of course I do. I'd love you even more if you didn't look like shit, though." I grabbed her in a hug, which she returned. We sat there crying together, apologizing for our misdeeds. The storm ended, and we remained under the tree.
"Dad?"
"Hm?"
"Can we go home now? I need a shower, and bad."
"Yes you do," I said. I let out a chuckle, and she did too as we stood. We went back home, smiling and telling jokes.
"God," said Dashie, "this stuff is all over me!"
"That's what she said," I replied, and we walked into our house. I decided to give her my birthday gift a little early. A ticket to the Indy 500. I realized that I wasted my money buying us both tickets, because she'll be up on a cloud. I was sure she would have fun though, and although I wasted my money, I would too.
In time, she'll forget about the fucking cartoon bullshit. She knows she's a real pony, not some digital animation that can somehow think about shit. I can only hope that she comes to realize this, and we can be a somewhat less fucked up family again.
----------
There is a point in every parent's life when their child says "Fuck you, mom and dad," and they leave. Well, that's not exactly how it worked, but it was sudden. And sad as fuck. I was in my living room, looking over our photos of her 20th birthday. Man, that was one fucked up night. Underage drinking, a bunch of cake...that was the best night ever. We had planned to go see a flight show. I was preparing to leave, when a knock came from the door.
I knew instantly that I was fucked, because nobody has ever knocked on my door. I went to my room and grabbed my pistol, then proceeded to the door. I told Dashie to go to her room and shut the door. Things would be over quick. Once her door shut, I asked who was knocking.A female voice, one that sounded really elegant, sounded from the door. Instead of saying who she was, she simply asked permission to enter the house. Now, because I'm extremely smart, I opened the door for the person I didn't know. Well, it wasn't a person, but a pony. It was Princess Celestia.
I was excited, because, well, it was Princess Celestia! Then, I realized what was happening, and a wave of depression fucked me real hard in the ass. I stepped back and allowed her in. Before I got a chance to do anything, her horn glowed and my pistol shattered into pieces. Fuck.Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie came in after her. Now, I had a house full of ponies. What the fuck was going on with Earth? Why are there so many ponies everywhere? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?
Pinkie Pie started saying random things as she inspected each inch of my house. She dug her hoof in the sink and somehow grabbed a pregnancy pill that hadn't been messed up. "Oh boy, I didn't know men took these!" said Pinkie Pie. "Also, why is it in the sink?"
Wow. Just wow. She was EXACTLY the same. And right now, I wanted to fucking punch her face in for mutilating RainbowDash. But she wouldn't remember doing that, so I let it slide. But I was still cautious. "I have some leftovers in the kitchen," I said to the ponies. Pinkie Pie sprinted to the kitchen and started eating everything I had. Fuck you too, Pinkie!
"Ah'll keep an eye on 'er," said Applejack. I nodded and watched her follow Pinkie Pie into the kitchen. Applejack was getting mud everywhere. And fuck you as well, AJ!
I'm quite surprised," said Celestia, "I expected more resistance."
"You want resistance?" I asked her. I punched her, making her throw her head back. Twilight's horn began to glow, but Celestia asked her to calm down.
"That's what I expected," said Celestia, "except I expected it at the door, not now."
"Why the hell are you in my house? Get the fuck out!"
"Oh," said Celestia, "you know why we're here. We aren't just going to leave."
"Um, excuse me," said Twilight, "but I believe Rainbow Dash is here, am I correct?"
"Yes, I replied glumly, "she's in her room."
"Her room?" asked Rarity, surprised.
"Yes," I said, annoyed to the point where if that stupid unicorn said one more thing..."Dashie is in her room."
"Dashie?" asked Rarity, "My my, you've gotten quite friendly with her."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" I screamed and I smacked her as hard as I could. That fucking BITCH.
"Dad?" asked Rainbow Dash, "Is everything alright?"
"No," I replied, "these ponies are here to fucking take you away!"
"What?" she replied. She trotted down the stairs and froze when she saw all of the ponies.
"Did she jus' call ya...dad?" asked Applejack. I wanted to slam her face onto the ground, take a knife and go all Cupcakes style on her. She would deserve that. I hated all of these ponies already.
"Yeah," said Rainbow, "he's my dad."
"Not anymore!" said Twilight. her horn glowed, and an energy bubble appeared around the ponies.
"YOU FUCKING GODDAMNED PIECE OF MOTHERFUCKING SHIT COMING OUT OF LUNA'S ASS, STOP USING YOUR FUCKING SPELL! YOU BITCH, STOP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Rainbow Dash was crying as she was slowly evaporating to their world. Twilight stopped the spell. I was about to give her a piece of my mind, when Rainbow Dash stepped forward.
"Dad," she said, "I have to go. They're right." she had tears rolling down her eyes. Fuck Celestia with the moon. "I do, daddy, it's the only way to make things right again." She turned to Celestia, "You, bitch, let me write something down, and I'll go with you to fucking Equestria or wherever the hell it is you're taking me."
Celestia was offended, but simply nodded. Dashie got a pencil and a piece of paper and scribble something down. Twilight wrapped the energy bubble around them again, and the last thin I heard before they left was, "I love you, dad. Keep the shit-hole shitty for me."
Then, they were gone. 15 years of raising her, and she just gets taken. "FUCK YOU!" I screamed. But then, I laughed. And I laughed some more. And then, I couldn't stop. I was cracking up, rolling on the floor. I knew she was gone, and I was happy. I lived my parents' wish. I lived a happy life. I picked up the paper Rainbow Dash had written on. It was a letter. It read:
Dad,
For fifteen years you took care of me. For fifteen years you loved me, played with me, and made sure I enjoyed my life in a world not meant to house me. I'm not a mare of many words, but even though I told you this in person, I felt you needed a written version of it so you will know it was all real. And so I could torture you for eternity, because you'll have to live knowing I wrote this every day for the rest of your life. That wasn't the intended purpose, but that's what's going to happen. Anyways...
I love you daddy. You helped shape me into the mare I am now. I'm not sure what is going to happen, if I will remember any of this or not, but I want you to know that you did a damn good job of raising me, even if I was a bit stubborn at times and short with you during others.
With Celestia's permission, I hope to allow you to keep our photos; our memories, with you so that you will never forget. Again, I love you, and thank you.
Your little daughter always,
Your little Dashie forever,
Rainbow Dash.
P.S. Just so you know, there's something you'll want to take care of in the kitchen.
I put the paper down, and felt a tear roll down my cheek. Why do tears always roll? Anyways, I walked into the kitchen. I laughed as I looked at the floor. Like father, like...daughter. On the floor was a dead old guy, his wallet wide open. I threw the body out the window, not really giving a shit. I laughed as I read the note again. I would always remember her. Well, time to get the rope!
MY LITTLE CRAPPY
BY PARODYPRODUCTIONS