Chapter 1
It was yet another gorgeous summer day. Hardly a cloud roamed the mid-morning sky, allowing the sun to loom overhead like a great, watchful eye. It hung in the heavens, constantly shedding its coating of light particles and heat, showering space in its both life-giving and life-destroying fusion-produced radioactive runoff. The only thing keeping all complex life on this particular planet from being melted into radiation-poisoned mush being the small, flimsy ozone layer that separated them from the cold, desolate, vacuum of the universe. Yet, however feeble this ozene layer may be, it withheld, allowing the pathetic lifeforms shielded by it to carry on, dying and reproducing in a near-endless and ultimately pointless cycle that could end at any moment.
Despite the futility and overwhelming hopelessness of all things, the purple pony on this particular planet went on with hardly a care in the world. Her lucius, lavender coat was silky smooth, and had been recently washed, giving it a slight dampness. Her two pairs of tentacle-like appendages bent and bucked in tandem, propelling her horizontally at a brisk trot and allowed her to remain upright despite the ever-present forces that seeked only to pull her down. Her ever-growing neck stood erect, holding aloft a proportionally gargantuan head that was filled mostly with a pair of colossal, spherical eye balls.
She, as this pony was female, looked around the park, her eyes swiveling in her head with an audible 'slurp' as the slick surface of her eye balls slid against the innards of her head. The two orbs greedily sucked in light molecules through their retinas and processed them, making readable pictures that her miniscule brain meat could understand. A smile tugged at her pinchable, little cheeks as she noted how beautiful everything was, exposing her rows of flat, white teeth, perfect for crushing and gnashing.
"It sure is a wonderful day," Princess Twilight Sparkle noted aloud to herself. Rest assured, being clinically insane is the norm in Equestria, where this story takes place. "What a shame I have this stupid cold or I'd be able to enjoy it more." She sniffled, her nose making a horrible noise similar to a straw sucking the last few drops of water from the bottom of a glass. Thankfully, there were no eligible bachelors nearby, so she wasn't too embarrassed by her own repugnance. That's part of why she went out on a walk here, it was fairly secluded. If this was a different kind of story, this'd be the part where the rapist comes out and things get real hot, but, unfortunately for your future-boners, that's not going to happen.
The other reason for her voyage into the outdoors was that she had absolutely nothing of importance to do. Perhaps you'd be surprised to learn this, but being a pony princess in a magical land means she hardly has to lift a hoof. Especially with her dragon slave, Spike, waiting on her every whim like the pathetic non-pony that he is. Twilight's thoughts drifted to that particular dragon, and her smile only grew wider as she thought of how she had accidentally spread her cold to him via proximity. "At least now he has to suffer too," she noted.
It wasn't until a few minutes later in her walk that Twilight came to an abrupt stop, her bulbous hooves, filled to the brim with thick, viscous sexual-goo, skid against the grass, the power of friction easily reducing her forward velocity to zero. Before her lay an object she had never expected to find. An object she had never encountered in real life, and had never even thought she would encounter. For this was no ordinary object. It was none other than a peach, unremarkable in every way aside from being a peach.
It lay innocently in the grass, enjoying a pleasant day in the park, naïve to the apex predator that stood outside its vision, watching its every move with a calculating eye. Its pink and peach-colored skin was exposed and vulnerable, protected only by a thin layer of fuzz. If it didn’t make its move now, it was surely done for.
Alas, peaches can’t move, and Twilight took a step towards the hapless fruit, cutting off any hope of retreat. She poked her nose towards it, trying to give it an experimental sniff before remembering that her nose was clogged with buckets full of snot. Pulling her head back she continued to examine it for a few moments before speaking to herself once again. “Surely my massive eyes deceive me. Is this a peach I spy? Why is a peach here of all places? Out in the open without protection? Surely any pony like myself could simply wander by and abduct it without consequence.”
Her head swiveled on its axis, getting a full 360 view of the immediate area. “Huh, I half expected somepony to pop out and claim this fine fruit as their own. It’d have been a shame, but now it seems this fruit is all mine.” As she looked back to the no-doubt tasty ball of plant matter before her, she began wracking her brain for a memory of what peaches taste like. Her adorable little face scrunched up in concentration and she held her breath, squeezing her eyes shut. Without having to worry about controlling the lungs and processing images, her brain was able to devote its full power into searching its hard drive for the sought information. After a few minutes, it came up completely blank, and she once again opened her eyes and inhaled a lung-full of air.
“Strange, it seems I’ve never eaten a peach before. That doesn’t make any sense. I was born into an upper class family and have lived among royalty most of my life. Surely I’ve ingested all types of food by now. Surely such a basic and well-known fruit hasn’t managed to elude my intestines all these years. But I can not question my memory, for it is perfect in every way. The only logical conclusion is that I have yet to taste the supple flesh of the peach.”
Twilight halted her monologue for a moment to look back down at her prey, assuring that it was still there. “I wonder what it’ll taste like…? A useless query, as its desecrated remains will soon adorn my tongue. Even so, I have to wonder why this peach is here to begin with. Perhaps fate has smiled upon me and seen fit to reward me for my good deeds and harmonious behavior, gifting me with this fruit so I may devour its being and digest it in my adorable, little tummy. Yes, surely I have been blessed, and I won’t make light such an offering from whatever divine force runs existence. I’ll savor every ounce of that peach and masturbate as its juices roll down my chin.”
She was about to reach for the fruit when her mind came up with a more dastardly reason for this peach to be here. “But perhaps it wasn’t some divine force that placed this object of my desire here. It could be poisoned, or imbued with powerful enchantments beyond my capacity to detect. But who would seek my death? A silly question, the crown harbors many enemies and grudges from centuries past. Few governments would pass up the chance to harm Celestia or Luna in some way, and what better way than by murdering me? Or worse. The poison could simply put me to sleep, only for me to awaken in a torture-rape dungeon. They would photograph me being raped dozens of times and mutilated in the worst ways and post the pictures for all to see. A slow, agonizing death, all because I fell for their trap. No, I won’t risk that. I’ll simply not eat the peach.”
Twilight turned to continue on her way, deciding to avoid the peach entirely because of the dire consequences, when her cute, rubbable, stomach rumbled. Her internal organs roiled in anticipation of a meal, and it was only now that she realized how hungry she actually was. Her tongue emptied its contents like a squeezed-sponge, filling her mouth with a pool of saliva, and some primal part of her brain was fantasizing about how good peaches must taste. She stopped in her tracks, looking back at the peach with lustful eyes. She knew that eating it was a bad, potentially insanely painful and fatal idea, but she really, really wanted to put it inside her.
It just looked too enticing laying there on the ground. Inviting her to sample its flavor like a naked lover on the bed. Her eyes were drawn to its curves, taking in every detail and causing her to both salivate and become a little turned-on at the same time. Blood rushed to her head and her vision was clouded in a red haze. She wasn’t even aware she had taken a step until she was right up next to the fruit. Her face leaned in precariously close, the tip of her tongue poking between her teeth as she moved in to rub her meaty, saliva-coated organ across its succulent flesh.
Just then, she snapped out of it and pulled her head back, unaware of what had come over her. “No, I can’t eat it. It could be a trap!” she reassured herself. Despite this, though, she just couldn’t will herself to leave it sitting there, completely uneaten. It just wasn’t fair, she couldn’t eat it without potentially putting herself at risk, but she couldn’t bear to not eat it. It was the conundrum of the century. And then her eyes widened with realization. Her brain, albeit a small, horse variant, came up with an idea. “I’ll just take it home and eat it. Surely I’ll be safe within my own home!”
The idea seemed fool-proof to her desperate mind, and without another thought she grabbed the peach in her telekinetic field, holding it above her head as her horn lit up even brighter. With a magenta flash she had vanished from the park, and reappeared in her own home, safe in her dwelling away from any rape-murderers.
But, despite the good feelings that rushed through her nervous system, she had made a mistake. Somewhere along the line, all thoughts of her runny nose were pushed aside to make way for vivid fantasies of her future meal which, even then, played through her mind’s eye. With that said, it was of great surprise to her when a solitary drop of snot broke free from its nasal prison, rolled, assisted by gravity, across her upper lip, and plummeted into her open, smiling mouth and onto her moist tongue.
Her eyes decompressed, causing the pupils to shrink to no more than one-eighth their original size, as her mind went into overdrive trying to figure out what had entered her mouth. She smacked her lips a few times, noting that whatever goo had entered the entrance to her digestive tract actually didn’t taste all that bad. In fact, it had a very unique flavor. One she had never tasted before.
It was only when the snot in her nasal cavities began irritating her again did she put two and two together. Never in her wildest dreams, as horses don’t dream, would she have imagined that snot could taste so good. Deciding that she might as well go in for another taste, she extended her long, flexible tongue. The tip curved and bent like a pink snake as it wormed its way over her upper lip and into the base of her nostril. Thankfully, the place was chocked full of snot, and even some boogers too.
She slid her tongue as far as it would go into her right nostril, lapping up a small amount of mucus before going on to the left nostril. Within moments she had cleaned her nose of all snot reachable by her tongue, but still she hungered. “Hmmm,” she hummed as she thought of what to do. A tissue box on her nearby desk gave her a perfect idea, and she pulled one of the super-soft tissues from its box home.
Without delay she pulled the paper up to her nose and gave it the mightiest blow she could muster. Mucus and boogers alike were forced out and into the waiting sheet, pooling up into green-ish-yellow globs. She continued blowing until her nose was dry, and the sheet was saturated in various forms of nose excrement. Pulling it away, she took a moment to examine what she had made. It was beautiful, in a strange sort of way, but she knew it wouldn’t last. It was to be her meal, after all.
Without a second thought, she shoved the whole tissue into her mouth, wading it up on her tongue as she savored its succulence. It was a bit salty, and the taste reminded her of the smell of the inside of her nose. It was both a familiar and new taste at the same time, and she couldn’t help but revel in the afterglow of her latest morsel even after she’d finished swallowing it. By now, the peach had been dropped to the floor, no longer important to the mare that'd found a better and more consistent source of sustenance.
Well, maybe not so consistent, seeing as how she had to wait, potentially hours, for her nose’s supply of mucus to recuperate. She didn’t even know what she'd do until then. She was so hungry, and all she wanted was snot. She lay slumped on the floor, depression falling over her as she resigned herself to simply waiting. That is, until she heard someone walking around in the downstairs.
Her head shot up and her ears swiveled, pointing towards the door to her room. Perhaps Spike could fix all her problems. He had a cold, much the same as Twilight. No doubt his big, dumb head was filled with boogers. In fact, she had used the term “booger brains” to insult his intelligence, or rather lack thereof, on multiple occasions. Now she could only hope that her quip had somehow been correct, and that his brains actually were boogers. She licked her lips, imagining how delicious that could potentially be, before deciding that she had to try it for herself.
She walked out of her bedroom and to the top of the stairs, instantly spotting Spike in the main foyer shelving books that were much too large for him. It was then that it happened. The telltale signs of an oncoming sneeze were all there. His head turned o the side away from the books he was carrying, his face scrunched up, and he took a deep breath. Twilight didn’t even react, she knew exactly what to do. With another teleport, she had cleared the small distance between them.
Her mouth held open, like a baby bird ready to receive its prize, she appeared right in front of him. Within and instant, he let forth a mighty sneeze, snot and spittle flying forth from his face, directly into Twilight’s open maw. Remarkably, Spike’s snot tasted different from her own. In fact, it just might have been even better. She continued savoring the snot for a few moments as Spike recovered from his sneeze, only then noticing that his slave mistress was directly before him.
He dropped to his knees, realizing that he done fucked up. “Oh my gosh, Twilight. I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were there!”
Despite his hasty apologies, Twilight was more focused on the interesting taste, and continued to slide her tongue around in her mouth. It was absolutely delicious, and she hungered for more.
“Spike, sneeze again,” she demanded, interrupting his pleading.
He only looked confused at the request, his absolutely miniscule, walnut-sized brain worked at maximum capacity trying to sort things out, but it wasn’t quick enough. His mouth dropped open and he looked up at Twilight while uttering a confused “What?”.
“I need you to sneeze in my mouth again!” She practically yelled. After but a second, she stomped a hoof impatiently, not willing to wait any longer for satisfaction, she resorted to the most effective way to get her point across: Song.
“Spike, listen up because I’ll only say this once. My belly aches, my stomach quakes, I need something to eat. So pay very close attention, this is important news. I hunger for one thing for sure, and it is your nose goos.”
“The goo from my nose?” he asked, so naïve and so dumb. “But that’s gross, and that’s absurd, surely there’s something else you want.”
“No, there’s nothing else, can’t you see, you useless swine? I need your snot, I need it all, it needs to be all mine. I hunger for a mucus-meal, one both thick and green. Boogers crisp and crunchy, and big as pinto beans. I want your nasal run-off. I want to know the taste. Blow it out, let it flow, give me your nostril paste. I want to pick your nose clean, put the contents in a pot. I’ll cook it up and say “soups on, come get it while it’s hot”.”
Just then, Shrek burst into the room, summoned by the idea of eating nose excrement, and he joined in. “If you’re hungry don’t forget, you’ve got a nose to pick. Get some green on that finger and give it a lick. The flavor’s always changing, especially when you’re sick. But if you want to know a secret, here’s a little trick. Breathe in a lot of dust, then your boogers come out thick. Crunchy, and satisfying, like a blood-filled tick.”
Then a trio of other ogres joined him for the chorus. “Snot-nose drippin’ like ice cream on a hot day. Mucus’ flowin’ like people in a hallway. Goo so smooth, so sweet the taste. Boogers in my mouth. Boogers from my face. Like a miner pickin’ gold go on and search for some treasure. Put it on your tongue, the feelin‘, the pleasure. Big green globs, like bouncin’ booty blobs. Drop it like a cleanex. Drop it in my mouth next.”
“When it comes to eating right, there really is no choice. If you’re hungry then rejoice, I’m like a booger Blastois,” called Shrek as he exhaled from his nose. He shot a jet of nasal-nummies across the room and into Twilight’s gaping yap, instantly filling it with succulent flavor.
Then the background ogres started up again. “I want that green, green drop, that makes the flavor pop! I want that green, green snot, so come get it while it’s hot! I want that green, green slime, I want it all the time! I want that green, green goop, and I’m not talkin’ ‘bout poop!”
Twilight hardly had time to savor what was in her mouth before Shrek was at it again. “And when it comes to body fluids, the menu’s pretty simple. Just check from all your holes and try some puss from your pimple.”
Twilight swallowed the boogers and tried it out with a pimple on her lip. Her mouth was filled with delicious puss when she bit down on the tip. “Mmmm, this is good. Why haven’t I tried this before?”
“Because you ponies are a bore, now I’m heading out the door, and please don’t ignore what I’ve said and try some more.” With that said, Shrek and the other ogres disappeared through the open doorway, off to their swamps to have nice, muskrat stews for dinner.
Twilight looked around, unsure exactly what had happened. One thing’s for sure, she learned a lot today. Never before had she even thought of eating all the random goo that comes from her various orifices, nor did she imagine it’d taste good. She was clearly misguided, and it looked like she had some experimenting to do. Of course, that could wait ‘til later. For now, she was nice and full with a belly containing a volatile mixture of hers and Shrek’s boogers, and some puss. Perhaps a letter to the princess was in order to share everything she’d learned.