One Shot
A Face for the Masses
by Haze
proofreader Invizibilit3
The train whistle chimed in Twilight’s ears. It wasn’t painful, but it kept distracting her from her book. It seemed odd that she would be the only one of her friends who didn’t have business in Canterlot that week. Yet here she was waiting for one of the trains to bring her favorite ponies back to her. She arrived early, and did so on purpose. This was a nice place to read. The train pulled away. Yet again it was not the one her friends were on. Twilight continued reading for a few minutes when she heard a thud. It snapped her nose out of the book even faster than the train whistle. It was a gray pegasus hitting the wall.
She rubbed her nose and excused herself. Apparently the 14 foot archways weren’t wide enough for her to get through without bumping her side. She adjusted her saddlebags and brushed her blond hair from her face. She noticed Twilight sitting on the bench and trotted over.
“Hi Ditzy Doo!” Twilight kicked a dustbin out of the way to save the pegasus another collision.
“Twilight! Good to see you!” Before she could go any further, a bright flash came in from the direction of the platform. Before they new it, dozens more flashes flooded the room and the pulse pounding beat of background music was being blasted.
“I have arrived!” through the lights and fanfare, Twilight could just make out the white mane and large sunglasses. It was Photo Finish. She had just hopped off the train followed by her assistants, hairdressers and other tag-alongs. As the fire from the flashbulbs subsided, Twilight could see that Photo Finish was posing, pointing directly at Ditzy Doo. “I have discovered you!”
Ditzy looked puzzled, “Um, were we playing hide and seek?”
“Come! We must make the magics!”
Ditzy Doo took a step back. “Sorry but I’m only into stallions...”
“Nononononono.” Photo grabbed Ditzy’s neck with her forhooves. “Do you not see ze vision?”
“What am I looking at exactly?”
Photo Finish spun Ditzy around. “Don’t you see? You will be the next big face of pony fashions! You will be a super model like none other! A face for the masses!”
“Really?”
“Yes, Darling!” Photo whipped out a standard rich-and-famous contract. “Come with me kid and you’ll be touring all of Equestria! Your name will be in lights!”
“Wow. That sounds pretty nice, but I’m on my way to Muffincon in Baltimare. My bags are already packed.” Ditzy started to excuse herself.
“Darling! When you are on ze fashion circuit, you will have access to the finest muffins ever baked.”
Ditzy froze. She turned her head slowly and deliberately toward Photo Finish. She focused intently on the blue pony (with both eyes!). She focused more intently than any pegasus had focused on anything in the history of ever. “go on...”
Before you could say “Blueberry or chocolate chip” Ditzy had conceded to Photo Finish’s demands and had been swept up by her assistants like a bit of foam swept up by a wave. The train left with them all, once again leaving Twilight alone on the bench.
Twilight shrugged and returned to her book. “What could possibly come of this?”
Three weeks later, Twilight Sparkle and Rarity were in downtown Ponyville shopping for new winter boots. A large poster was outside of Ponyville hall. On it was the unmistakable form of Ditzy Doo wearing a flowing white frock. The photographer made no effort to correct Ditzy’s crossed eyes, in fact they seemed to have been edited to be even more crossed than usual. Beneath it were the words, “Appearing in Ponyville for one night only: Derpy Hooves”
“What?!” Twilight was enraged. “How could they be putting her out in public under such an offensive name!”
“Oh, darling” Rarity chimed in, “Models are meant to be bold and shocking! They need to turn people’s heads! Having insane stage names is the norm.”
“That’s no excuse. Look at this poster! They are clearly parading her around on stage to be laughed at!” Twilight insisted they get in to see the show. Rarity had no tickets, but with a combination of flattery, bribery and pointing her hoof and saying “Look over there!” they managed to get onto the show floor.
Before them was the most insane fashion show either had ever seen. There was Ditzy Doo parading around on stage in the most over-the-top dresses imaginable. There were pockets, zippers and shoulder pads where there clearly didn’t need to be any. Derpy kept her footing well, as much as any model could be expected to. There was just one problem. Her head would bob to and fro, like a reed in the wind. Even when she was doing a dramatic turn or pause, her head would still bounce some, drawing even more attention. There were other models, surely, but they were all crossing their eyes to be more like Derpy.
“This is horrible!” Rarity cried.
“I’ll say. Look at all these people laughing at that poor pegasus.” the room was packed, everypony was stomping in approval at each new dress, but some of them were snickering.
“Not that, Twilight! The fashions! They’re so-bad-they’re-good! That’s why they want Derpy! They’re selling these fashions ironically! The hipsters have taken over!” As if on queue, Derpy Hooves came out in a maroon pantsuit with eight epaulets. “Why would anyone need eight epaulets!?” Rarity screamed.
“Alliteration?” Twilight suggested.
Clearly Rarity’s brain was melting. Twilight dragged her out of there before it started oozing from her nose.
As the months progressed, the exposure got worse. Posters with “Derpy Hooves” were all over Equestria. She was in the tabloids every other day. Soon Twilight had to deal with fillies invading the library looking for books about the gray one. And then there was the perfume. Everyone in Equestria wanted to smell of Derp.
“Why does this bother you so much?” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight let out a sigh and closed her book. She was going to have to explain herself sooner or later. It was a shame that this story would have to interrupt their biweekly Daring Do reading party.
Twilight took them back to her days in magic kindergarten. Without the color of her mane, nopony could ever recognize kindergarten Twilight. She had stubby hooves, her tail was matted and her purple eyes were hidden behind thick glasses. Worst of all, however, was the large gap between her two front teeth. It caused a whistling sound when she spoke. Despite this, she was determined to be a great student, and that meant being a great public speaker. She was about to go on stage for her speech reading recital. The teacher gave her some advice. “Just imagine that they’re all naked!”
“But threy thhhrar all naked.” replied kindergarten Twilight.
“That’s the spirit!” The teacher pushed the young filly out on stage. The bright lights hurt her eyes, but they made it impossible to see anyone in the audience. She walked up to the podium and looked out into the black void. The speech was written below her on a scroll.
This was going to be trouble. The name of the speech was “The Sordid State of Suffering Succotash”.
Kindergarten Twilight began as best she could but it wasn’t going well. She began to hear a swelling roar from the blackness. Soon her eyes adjusted to the spotlights and she could see the other kindergarten unicorns pointing and giggling. Then it began.
“Derp!” one student shouted.
“Derp face!” cried another. Soon there was a chorus of ‘derps’ echoing each laugh.
Kindergarten Twilight ran from the auditorium, belted out the first exit she found. Who cared if the alarm sounded? She ran home crying and jumped into her bed, where she cried herself to sleep. Her parents looked on, helpless.
What followed was months of magic eye surgery and years of braces and headgear until the gap in her teeth finally closed.
Rainbow Dash sank to the floor. “Wow. I never knew. But just because someone used that word on you, doesn’t mean it was used the same way on Derpy Hooves.”
“No, Rainbow Dash. Words have meanings. They don’t mean one thing on Monday then another thing on Thursday. They have definite meaning and definite power. That’s why I spend my life surrounded by books.”
Unfortunately, things got worse for Twilight as they got better for Derpy. Soon there was Derpy the action figure, Derpy the Breakfast cereal and Derpy the fire rod ( the kids loved that one). It was only a matter of time before these things found their way to Twilight Sparkle’s house.
“Its this awesome!” Rainbow Dash did a loop-de-loop in the middle of the room. “These t-shirts are epic! “ She was sporting her new Derpy Hooves T-shirt, gray with a portrait of the famous pegasus on it.
“Ha! That’s nothing compared to my new official Derpy Glasses” Spike pointed to the novelty glasses on his face with fake pupils, facing opposite directions.
Twilight Sparkle wrote furiously at her desk. She buried her nose deep within an ancient tome. The fandom had grown out of proportion in the preceding weeks. Twilight could barely contain her rage.
The containment was going well until Pinkie Pie came in with her Derpy Hooves trading cards.
“That does it!” Twilight turned with conviction. Her books flew off her desk. Her friends cowered in the corner.
I’m going to solve this problem using the most severe method at my disposal! I’m going to write a STRONGLY WORDED LETTER!”
Her friends ran for cover.
The following week Twilight was on a rampage. Her letter had gotten her nothing but a one-paragraph response of only general statements that dodged the issue completely. She was on her way across Ponyville to Derpy’s new mansion. Before long, she was at the “Casa de Derp”, a massive structure that was as gaudy and nonsensical as the dresses Derpy typically would model. Her friends followed at a safe distance, as one would do to any powder keg.
The gray pegasus flew down herself to open the gate and greeted Twilight with a big hug. She invited Twilight on a tour of the mansion. It started with a ride up the cable car. She had it installed so that earth ponies wouldn’t have to trek the steep path to her front door. As badly as the others wanted to see the mansion, they were not about to get in a cramped space with Twilight right now. And so, Twilight and Derpy traveled up to the manor together. Around the back was a swimming pool full of muffins. Derpy advised against taking a dip--because of the ants. “It seemed like such a good idea on paper.”
From the inside, the design decisions seemed to make sense. There were no sharp corners or furniture to bump into. Everything was kept in stylish spherical shelves that were bolted directly to the walls. The fire-pit sunk into the floor was completely surrounded by cushions in a perfect circle. Even if you fell into it, you’d just end up laying on a couch. On the walls were pictures of Derpy at various famous landmarks across Equestria. It wasn’t until she got to the picture of her with Princess Celestia that Twilight finally snapped.
“...and here’s me with Princess Luna!” said Derpy.
“Derpy!” the purple unicorn composed herself, “ I mean Ditzy Doo, you need to stop doing this! These ‘fans’ aren’t your friends! They’re laughing at you, not with you!”
The smile left Derpy’s face and all at once she became very small. She turned around and walked to the edge of the hall. There was a desk with hundreds of fan letters on it. Derpy picked one up and handed it to Twilight.
Dear Derpy Hooves,
You are my favorite pegasus in the whole world. I love reading about you in my mommy’s fashion magazines. I hope I can be as great as you one day! I have eyes just like you. One keeps facing in the wrong direction. The doctors say they can’t fix it. The other fillies make fun of me at school, but I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I hope you get my letter,
Derping in Manehattan
Twilight read in disbelief. She hooved through the other letters on the desk and they all shared similar sentiment. She was at a loss for words.
Derpy walked over. “I know people can make fun of me, but this is something I have to do.”
“Are you really OK with being on display?” Twilight hung her head in disbelief.
“I don’t expect a pretty unicorn like you to understand, but being different doesn’t hurt when people are staring at you so much. Heck everyone gets made fun of sometimes. Being different hurts when they treat you like you’re not there.”
Up until that day, Twilight Sparkle was sure she did understand. Now she wasn’t so sure. She thanked the pegasus and let herself out of the manor.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I thought I knew what words meant, and how to use them. But it seems that the same word can be different things to different people. Perhaps we all need to be a bit more forgiving of each other.
I learned this week that the best way to use words is to just use them yourself, and not worry about the words of others.
Your Student,
Twilight Sparkle
Epiloque:
A month later, Derpy had fallen out of favor with the fashion industry. Her 15 minutes of fame were up and the high-minded were now obsessing over a unicorn that was walking on just her hind legs. Twilight hadn’t heard from her since that day.
Twilight and Fluttershy were out shopping for stylish fall hats. They ran into Derpy Hooves stepping out of Sugarcube Corner with a saddlebag full of muffins.
“Hey Derpy!” greeted Twilight, “ I guess now that the modeling money has dried up, you’re down here with the rest of us.”
“Ha! Are you kidding? I demanded my cut from the net immediately, then funneled it into T-bills and real estate investments. I’ve got a whole trust fund set up now.”
Derpy turned and ran into a wall, then she immediately apologized to it.
Fluttershy looked cross, “Wait, super models get paid?!”