> A Sloth in Equestria
>  by Quicksear
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Watch out for crossing Sloths
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Watch out for crossing Sloths

Written by: Quicksear, Listener, Selkowitz
Edited by: Selkowitz, Candle_Jack

We do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any of the characters herein
...except the sloth, he's our fault. 





Henrique walked through the dense forests of Costa Rica. He’d been doing humanitarian work at a local animal rescue centre in the hopes of finding meaning in life by helping little animals, but so far, he had yet to find his divine purpose. He brushed his dark chocolate hair from his light chocolate forehead, staring into the sunset with his medium chocolate eyes. He looked up into the sky as he tried to take solace in the one thing that made his perfect life more bearable; a cartoon he’d found on the internet, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yet it offered more questions than answers. Who was he? What were his preferences? Should he be questioning his sexuality? Should he close that meth lab he started in the forest?

Nothing made sense to poor Henrique anymore, but he smiled bravely in the face of his troubles. As the sun dipped below the horizon, the evening star winked into existence, and he felt a small surge of hope. It was the same image imprinted on his mind from his childhood in Brazil, where his uncle would sing soft songs while he and Henrique did...private things behind the shed.

Looking at the lone star between the trees, he stepped forward, hand over heart and sang out in a rich Latin voice;

“I have no friends and live alooooone~
And run a meth lab on my ooowwn~
"I wish I'd have a run of luuuuck"~
And have the courage to just say- WHAT THE EFF IS THAT?!”

A vast glowy blue thing that looked as if it came directly from a certain portal-themed computer game opened up right in front of him, blinding him. Through his squinted eyes, he could see, shimmering in the blue haze, green rolling fields, a bright sky, and, he knew in his heart, a bright future. With a gasp, a series of deep and meaningful thoughts rushed through his head, life changing epiphanies.

Not that we really care.

Because at that moment, thirty feet above his head, a sloth tried to eat a leaf three sizes too big for him and fell through the portal instead.


*     *     *     *


The edge of the everfree was as vibrant and beautiful and terrifying as ever that fateful day in Ponyville. Fluttershy was out walking her bear and humming a quiet song to herself as she trotted along, admiring the flowers. All was perfect in her quiet slice of Equestria. All she had to worry about was how many flans she had to pack for her and her friends’ next picnic. Six, or twelve? But was two too many per pony? Or too little? But then something disturbed her bliss.

She saw the Thing.

It crawled across the ground in her direction, looking up at her with intent liquid eyes, its short tubby milk-bottle body covered in a thick shag carpet a younger Cheerilee would have been proud of, with two long tentacle-like arms, each tipped in dangerous-looking, wickedly curved claws. The creature blinked once, then raised a claw and thrust it towards the petrified pony.

Fluttershy screamed. Her bear broke his leash and made a break for the cottage, whimpering in fear as his master emptied her lungs at the sight that was Equestria’s latest visitor. Fluttershy finally ran out of air. As she gasped, lightheaded, the fell creature’s clawed hand finally hit the ground. The creature blinked.

Fluttershy took that as the perfect invitation to fly the hell outta there.


*     *     *     *


Twilight was trying her best to not wring her wings in annoyance. Fluttershy had barreled into the library, scared out of her wits, blubbering like a foal. Twilight had been unable to calm the petrified pegasus, but considering the oddly calm week Ponyville had, she’d decided to play it safe and call her friends in case of some monster/demon attack. Even now, with Rainbow Dash here to translate the Flutterspeak, they weren’t getting very far. Dash was too busy laughing.

“W-Wait, so...this...thing comes...and your bear just...wahahahaha!”

Twilight stamped a hoof. “Will you please explain this clearly, Dash!”

“Ooh, ooh! Can I guess?” Pinkie bounced up, waving a hoof. “Did your bear go vacationing at the beach again?!”

“Fer the last time, Sugarcube,” Applejack pulled the pink pony back to ground, “That never actually happened. But really, git talkin’ Dash, is it serious?”

“Oh, no!” Dash laughed and rolled back to her hooves. Then she turned to Twilight. “Though apparently, another weird creature has turned up in the Everfree. We should go check this out.”

“Another one?!” Twilight huffed, frowning. “Don’t we get enough of those humans forcefully dropped into our universe already?”

“No no, not one of those,” Dash interrupted. “Otherwise Flutters would have just corralled it onto Sweet Apple Acres. This is something different.”

"Oh," Twilight blinked, then smiled with relief. “We really don’t need any more slave labour in the Crystal Empire diamond mines. Right! So what is it this time?”

“Uhh…” Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her head idly, “Flutters doesn’t know. Apparently it’s really scary, has big claws and is dressed like it comes from thirty years ago.”

A huge gasp filled the room. Nopony was surprised when they turned to Rarity, “We simply cannot allow that poor creature to suffer so! We must aid it!”

Twilight rolled her eyes as she trotted for the door. “Oh, we wouldn’t dream of it Rarity. Let’s just go sort this out, girls, I need to get back to my studies.”

Rainbow Dash was holding up the book from Twilight’s desk, “You were reading Fifty Bales of Hay?”

The book turned lavender and slammed shut on her muzzle.


*     *     *     *


“Wow, that...is kinda creepy.”

The sloth blinked, took a small nap, and opened his eyes again. Rainbow Dash hovered above him hesitantly, stuck between poking the creature or drop-kicking it.

“Oh, it looks all super secret agent-y! Silent but deadly! Like a platypus!” Pinkie exclaimed, hunkering down to grin at the sloth on its own level. The sloth merely blinked again and began crawling forward at the rate of a continent.

Applejack, who’d gotten bored and was only half paying attention, snapped up from her daydream. “Ah didn’t touch them baked beans-! Oh, right, the critter. Well, them claws look mighty vicious, but…aw, c’mon, it ain’t even got proper teeth!”

Rarity stood as far away as she could while still being in the conversation, calling, “Oh, please, just put it out of its misery already. Imagine its pain!”

Twilight inspected the slowly moving sloth curiously. “Well, I don’t think it’s injured. It just looks…slow.”

Rarity scrunched up her nose in disgust. “Not what I meant, darling.”

“Oh…I d-don’t know…” Fluttershy joined Twilight in her inspection, though from a greater distance. “It doesn’t look so bad now that I have you girls here with me, but still...”

“Girl, when we’re around, ” Rainbow Dash boasted loudly, “we make Discord look like a wimp! I mean- Pinkie look out!”

Pinkie didn’t move. She remained patiently, smiling the entire thirty seconds it took the Sloth to slowly reach out with its curved claws and latch onto her leg.

The others watched, breath frozen in their lungs.

Pinkie giggled-snorted and nuzzled the unresponsive sloth as it very deliberately climbed her leg. “You sillies, its claws aren’t even sharp! It’s so cuddly!”

“Err…” Applejack and Rainbow Dash both shared a look as Rarity took an involuntary step back. Twilight raised an eyebrow at the trusting and incredibly slow animal. Then she looked at the sloth. After about a minute of Pinkie giggling in place, the sloth found its way onto Pinkie’s back and dozed there peacefully, its blunt snout buried in her mane.

Twilight was perplexed. “I can’t believe it’s moving so slowly. Maybe there’s a lethargy spell on it or something. Anyway, Fluttershy, you should look after it for the time being. I’ll be right over the second I can get some information about this thing.”

“Um…how about no?” Fluttershy meeped. “M-my animal friends would be so frightened. They’d think he looks scary and dangerous and creepy and Pinkie seems to like him maybe she can take him it would be closer anyway *gasp* …if that’s okay, of course.”

“Oh, pick me, pick me! I’m a Pinkie!” Pinkie jumped from hoof to hoof, shaking her guest from her shoulders. The sloth’s arms locked around her barrel as he was bounced a hundred and eighty degrees around and swung under her belly. The sloth was treated with a view of Pinkie’s tail bouncing up and down between her hind legs.

“Pinkie, fer Celestia’s sake, right that poor critter right now!” Applejack admonished, looking slightly uncomfortable with the sloth’s current…position on her friend’s body.

Pinkie dutifully planted her head on the ground, supporting herself with her neck while she used her forehooves to try and pry the sloth off. Unfortunately, this time, the shaggy mammal was less cooperative. She stood back up and shrugged. “He doesn’t want to let go. So can I keep him?”

Twilight blinked, then shrugged back, turning towards to town. “Sure, why not. It doesn’t look like it…does anything anyway. Okay, I’ll come by Sugarcube corner in…about an hour?”

“An hour with my new friend?” Pinkie grinned, standing on her hind legs to display the upside down sloth. “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of him! How hard can it be?”

And the universe trembled.


*     *     *     *


Pinkie waddled her way into Sugarcube Corner with the sloth still latched awkwardly beneath her. She couldn’t really find a way to remove it; pulling on its shoulders, besides possibly hurting the creature itself, dug its long claws into her back. They didn’t have to be sharp to hurt, but Pinkie was hardly bothered, with how caught up in the creature she was. A new friend! Or pet? Either way, new games to play and a party to have! She only had an hour…less, now…so it would have to be a ‘private party’. A shady stallion had once asked if she would throw one for him at his house. Of course she’d agreed. He’d looked more angry and confused and happy when she did, though.

This time, it would just be her, Gummy, and…the New Guy! She began wondering what sort of cupcakes he would want and how much punch to make! However, the thought of punch brought a twinge to her bladder. She giggled as she trotted up the stairs to her apartment. “Oops, looks like I need to use the little filly’s room.”

But then she remembered her hanger-on. One glance back reaffirmed the sloth’s unwillingness to remove himself from Pinkie’s person. Pinkie smiled indulgently at the docile mammal. Oh, I can wait a bit longer.

Instead, she began nosing through her personal stash for the correct snacks.


*     *     *     *


Mr. Cake had had a long day. After making a round of party treat deliveries Pinkie should have made, he trudged upstairs to check on his wife, looking after the foals Pinkie was meant to be foalsitting. But Pinkie had an excuse: Official Princess Business seemed like a very convenient explanation.

Which is why, when Mr. Cake heard Pinkie’s excited giggling from within her room, he was a little ticked off. He frowned as he reached for the door. “Pinkie what are you- Uhhh…”

As the door opened, revealing the scene, his words died. Pinkie lay on her bed, surrounded by sweets and treats, her belly covered with what looked like a thick brown shaggy blanket. What disturbed the older stallion was how Pinkie was holding a cupcake up between her hind legs, laughing.

“You want a bite, little fella? Okay, here you go!”

She lowered the cupcake, and it re-emerged distinctly nibbled on. Pinkie ‘awww'd’, “You not like that one, huh? Well don’t worry, I’ve got plenty for you to try!”

Mr. Cake, pale and terrified, backed away slowly. As he turned and bolted for his own bedroom, he decided he had some very serious questions to ask his wife about mares.


*     *     *     *


Pinkie chuckled as she ate the remainder of the last treat the sloth had tried and turned away. “Boy, you are a fussy eater, aren’t you? Maybe you like greens better after all?”

The sloth merely looked out of the corner of its eye back at the mare it was quite comfortable latched onto. Pinkie waited in vain for any kind of response but didn’t stop smiling when none came. Instead, she bounced into the air, rolled, and landed on her hooves, ready to trot downstairs for some lettuce. However, her smile faltered as she crossed her hind legs. “Whoa filly, you gotta go.” She looked down at the still clingy sloth, scrunching her snout a little as she asked for the fifth time, “Hey, I know you like it down there, but how about you let Auntie Pinkie go to the bathroom now?”

The sloth merely blinked back over its shoulder.

“Aww, but come on! I feel like I’m about to pop like a water balloon! Only it won’t be water!”

The sloth didn’t so much as flinch.

Pinkie tried her best puppy dog eyes, “Pleeaase?”

Another blink.

Pinkie changed tack; “Okay, how about you just…turn around? I just can’t go with your head…there, okay? If you turn around, it would still be weird, but doable.”

Nothing.

Pinkie sighed into her breast, breathing deep, regular breaths. “Okay, if you don’t wanna move…then you just gotta hold it in, Pinkie. Be strong! I mean, Twilight will be here soon to take him off, right? You only have to wait…” She looked at the clock in her room. Her ears drooped. “Twenty minutes… Oh Celestia…”


*     *     *     *


Twilight trotted towards Sugarcube Corner at the designated time, her muzzle firmly buried in a very…interesting description of the creature Fluttershy had found. It was strange, but at least there was no foul magic afoot, and neither was the creature at all dangerous. Twilight chuckled as she imagined the look on the creatures face after being undoubtedly exposed to one of Pinkie’s ‘private parties’. Twilight had heard about the one Pinkie had thrown once before, and that the stallion in question had been left speechless.

So when the alicorn knocked on the back door to Sugarcube Corner, she was not expecting to see what she saw.

She’d barely knocked twice before the door flew open, revealing a pale, scrunched up Pinkie Pie, eyes wide with relief as she stood there, hind legs crossed and tail twitching enough for a landslide. “Oh, Twilight, you’re here!”

“Um, yes,” Twilight took a step back, slightly unnerved. “Do you mind if I-“

Pinkie threw her forehooves wide, just about begging, “Take it! Please!”

“Uh…Okay.” Twilight tugged on the sloth with her telekinesis, getting nothing but an agonized groan from Pinkie. Twilight decided not to tempt fate and simply teleported the sloth off into empty space. By the time the sloth gently thumped to the ground, Pinkie was gone. Twilight blinked as the single strand of pink hair drifted to the ground in her friend’s absence. “Well…see you later, Pinkie!”

As Twilight levitated the sloth onto her own back and walked away, in Sugarcube Corner, the floodgates opened. 



*     *     *     *


“Right! Home sweet tree! Off you get,” Twilight said cordially to the sloth on her back. She was hardly surprised when it failed to comply, but as an alicorn, she didn’t have to put up with the sloth’s-

Shzzzzt

The slightly disorientated sloth turned and looked back at Twilight, the same bemused look in its eyes as ever. It turned lethargically and reached a clawed hand out towards the lavender alicorn, but Twilight tutted unamusedly. “Oh no, I saw what you did to Pinkie! You’re staying on the ground in here.” The sloth’s limb fell impotently to the floor. 

Twilight grinned down at the gangly animal. “You see, I know what you are! You’re a sloth. I mean, of course Fluttershy didn’t recognize you; you’re one of those really weird obscure exotic creatures Equestrians don’t really think about.” Trotting over to her work desk, Twilight began shuffling her notes. “Fluttershy is self-taught after all. I mean, she thought buzzards are actually supposed to buzz, while that poor creature she saw actually had a debilitating and painful disease- wait, where’d you go…?” Twilight turned back, only to see an empty library floor. 

There was nothing there.

As in, no sloth.

“...How did you...?”

Twilight snorted, stamping a hoof. “Now come on out! I know you couldn’t have gotten far; your kind is renowned for its laziness and stupidity! Even more so than pegasi!”

There was no answer. With another annoyed stomp on the floor, Twilight lowered her head and began looking under all the tables and around some of the shelves. The library suddenly seemed far too quiet. 

Twilight looked behind herself impulsively. There was nothing there. 

She heard a creek at the stairs. She whipped back, ready to pounce.

Nothing.

Eye twitching slightly, she sighed before calling out into the seemingly empty library. “Okay Sloth. If you want to play hide and go seek, I’m not playing. You’ll just have to wait until I’m done with my research!” she said loudly.

Another creak from the stairwell.

“Sloth! I’m not kidding!” Twilight said angrily.

Ears perked slightly, Twilight was on edge for a few seconds, but no other creaks came. She walked slowly back to her book, getting ready to read again, whenever... 

‘Creak’

Ears twitching along with an eye, Twilight slowly swiveled in place and looked at the staircase. 

“Fine. So. You want to play a game, Sloth?”

She slowly walked towards the staircase.

“We can play a game!” she shouted, running at the staircase, eyes searching the steps for the sloth but was met with an unexpected patch of purple.

“He- gah! Twilight!” Spike shouted at the sudden contact.

Twilight felt the breath get knocked out of her as she tripped and flew into Spike, flying up a couple of steps, before the momentum stopped and the two began to fall back down the stairs.

At the bottom, the two disentangled themselves from each other. Spike just looked at Twilight, whose hair was beginning to stick up in several places. 

Spike saw the warning signs.

“Uh, Twilight? Are you...okay?” Spike wished fervently for a body shield.

“Yes!” Twilight shouted, eyes darting around the room madly. “I’m just looking for that sloth!”

Spike opened his mouth, then blinked. “...Sloth?”

“Yes! Short, dumpy, weird head, always getting itself into odd places. Like you, but furry!”

Spike barely missed a beat. “Okay, Twilight, I know you really like that special ‘tea’ you get from Zecora, but you need to cut back-”

“Aaaargh!” Twilight growled loudly. “You aren’t helping!”

Spike held up his hands. “Twilight, it’s my duty as a frie-” he started, cutting off as he spotted something behind Twilight. “Uh... Twilight. Is this sloth like, really furry? With long arms and claws and stuff?”

Twilight stiffened up for a moment before nodding. “Yes?”

“Right,” Spike deadpanned. “He’s on the ceiling.”

Twilight’s eyes grew big before she turned to the ceiling, spotting the sloth hanging on a rafter.

“THERE YOU ARE!” She shouted at the sloth, concentrating her magic to grab him.

The sloth, however, had other plans. The loud noise startled him, and he let go of the rafters. Granted, slow for Twilight and Spike, but pretty fast.

As gravity took over, he fell at a rate of sloth-lightspeed onto Twilight’s face.

Twilight was very still for a moment before letting out an ear shattering scream. 

“GET IF OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!”

The sloth was confused. It was moving and being shaken, but it didn’t want to let go.

It was comfortable here.

Spike took in the scene before him. Twilight was in full panic mode, shaking her head and bumping into the shelves and the desk in an attempt to get it off.

He stared for a moment before he just burst with laughter. “Twilight, just use your magic.”

“IT’S ON MY HORN!”

Spike just laughed harder. “Ho-Hold still for a moment, I’ll get him off.” 

Twilight stopped running around, her hooves slightly jittery. “Just get it off of me!”

Spike stopped laughing and slowly managed to pry the sloth off of Twilight’s face, holding him in front of him and looking at the sloth.

“Happy?” he asked Twilight.

“Not very. He’s still here.”

Spike shrugged before putting the sloth on his shoulder.

“Spike! That’s not a good idea!” 

“Why not?” Spike asked as the sloth adjusted itself to hang on Spike’s shoulders.

“He doesn’t let go.” 

“Twilight, you’re over reacting. Look,” Spike said, taking off the sloth with relative ease, before putting the sloth back into the original spot on the floor. 

Twilight just stared before her eye twitched again. “How...”

The sloth looked balefully up at the warm scaly he’d been removed from and reached out tectonically for the young dragon once more. Spike laughed as he picked the fuzzy mammal back up. “Aw, I guess he likes me!”

Twilight let out a strangled noise, turning around and stomping upstairs for some Tylenol. 

Spike just let out a giggle and stroked the sloth before a knock at the door distracted him.


*     *     *     *


Rarity stood patiently at the door, wincing as the sounds of either a very bad or a very good time thudded through the door. She placed an ear to the door as the shouts became more pronounced, and then suddenly ceased. 

Frowning, the unicorn tapped her hoof to the door again, waiting impatiently on the doorstep. 

After a few barely muffled expletives found their way through the door, it swung open, revealing a sloth-draped Spike. “What is i- Oh, Rarity! Hello!”

“Hello, Spike! I was looking for Twilight, is she in?” 

“She’s-” Spike was interrupted by the sound of a medicine cabinet slamming shut and Twilight’s colourful language, cursing the creature’s existence.

“Whoever that is, tell them to take that Celestia forsaken sloth with them!”

“I’ll…take that as a no. I just stopped to see if she’d like for me take that thing off her hooves. A sloth, was it?”

Spike was dumbfounded. “You want to help? No offense, but I thought you would have been the last pony to take care of him.”

Rarity flipped her hair as she graciously answered, "Well, while I am most certainly an unlikely caretaker for...this thing, somepony must take it upon themselves to help him in his deplorable condition!"

"What do you mean?" Spike asked. "He looks fine to me."

"That's why this is my duty, dear." Rarity dryly answered. “Besides, I thought a change of wardrobe for him would get him moving and more motivated. Just because he looks…strange doesn’t mean he is undeserving of something that would make him look more dapper.”

Spike blinked and inspected the sloth wrapped around his shoulders one more time, then shrugged. “Alright, fine. Twi’s probably upstairs mixing antidepressants with that special Zebra ‘tea’ again. So...I can carry him over for you?” 

Rarity smiled ever so thankfully. “Oh, that would be marvelous…”


*     *     *     *


“Spike, thank you so very much for carrying that sloth home for me. He has taken quite the liking to you. Perhaps enough to make me jealous,” Rarity joked.

Spike chuckled, removing the sloth and setting him down next to a pony mannequin. “It’s the least I can do, Rarity. I’d love to stay and help look after it for you if you’d like.”

“Oh, Spikey-Wikey, that’s very sweet of you to offer, but I think Twilight may need you more given her current...state.  Besides, he shouldn’t be that much trouble.”

Spike’s pupils dilated at the thought of Twilight left alone for any length of time in her current mood. With a quick cursory goodbye, the dragon dropped the sloth into Rarity’s surprised telekinesis and made a dash back to the library. 

A good thing too, because Twilight was getting set to use the bathtub as a teapot.

Rarity watched incredulously as the sloth hung beside her, slowly turning like a christmas decoration. 

After a few seconds, Rarity let out a final ‘tut’ and turned back to her boutique, chattering her guest. “My, my, dear Mister Sloth, we simply must put our heads together and uncover a solution to your current wardrobe malfunction! I believe a good brush and shampoo will do you the world of good! And after that we can consider trying some-”

“Rarity, you’re home!”

Rarity’s mouth dropped into an ever-so-slightly less pleasant smile at the sound of the high-pitched, happy squeal. “Oh, uh, hello, Sweetie Belle.”

A purple-maned, orange-coated snout poked out behind Sweetie Belle’s, wreathed in an apologetic smile. “Hiya, Miss Rarity…”

Rarity faltered and stopped, dropping the sloth onto a makeup table. “Oh...h-hello Scootaloo, what are you-”

“Howdy Miss Rarity!” Apple Bloom’s face popped out opposite to Scootaloo’s, wearing much the same grin.

Rarity’s eye started twitching hardcore.

“H-hello girls. Would you mind explaining yourselves? I thought I said I would be busy this afternoon with a situation of the utmost delicacy! And please, don’t hide behind my sister you two. It’s not like you’re all stuck together at the hip.”

“Uh, actually,” Sweetie Belle mumbled, “we kinda are…”

“And at the shoulder,” Scootaloo added.

“An’ some other parts I didn’t think Ah had…” muttered Apple Bloom.

All three other ponies turned to look at Apple Bloom for a moment, which for Scootaloo was one hell of the feat. They all let out a combined “...What?” Apple Bloom failed to answer, so they continued as if it never happened.

“Tree sap, correct?” Rarity asked, trudging over to a closet and pulling out a few bottles. SweetieScootaBloom bounced over too, hardly able to wait to become three, separate ponies once again.

“Yep!” Sweetie chirped. “We were trying to find out what Pinkie meant when she said she was throwing a ‘private party’ for a ‘certain stallion friend’, but when we asked him…yeah.”

Rarity gasped and dropped the bottle of industrial paint thinners at the news. “Pinkie actually does that?! But when I asked- Ahem, never mind that, but how did you come to be covered in tree sap in that case?”

“Oh, he just so happened to have some lying around!” Scootaloo waved her hooves around annoyedly in the air, since she was currently held up by Sweetie’s anyway. “Why on earth would you have a tub of tree sap in your house!? All it does is make things sticky!”

Rarity tried desperately not to let her imagination run ahead of her. The problem was that if imaginations had an Olympics, Rarity’s would have just broken the intergalactic record for a hundred meter sprint.

“Uh, sis? Can we get this stuff off now?”

Rarity blinked the glazed look from her eyes and focussed down on her sister+Co once again. “Oh, of course! Here you go dear. Now run along, I must help our guest in his current crisis! Now run along, the tub’s…still outside from yesterday, I believe.”

“A guest?” Sweetie perked up yet again from within the CutieConglomerate. “You mean the monkey?”

Rarity waved a hoof towards the inert sloth as she announced, “Ah, Sweetie, let me educate you!”

“…For once…” The unicorn filly muttered.

“This is, in fact, a sloth!”

“So, a different type of monkey?” Scootaloo offered, slowly sliding down Sweetie’s side like an unwanted chicken nugget.

“No…At least I don’t think so…Twilight really had very little to say on the matter,” Rarity admitted, “but I know what I must do! This fine gentleman sloth has clearly fallen on hard times and hasn’t had the time to take care of himself properly. I take it upon myself…to help him!”

“Uh…” The Cutie Mark Hexapod shared a look, “…okay then.”

Rarity huffed as she grabbed a hairbrush and turned to her task. She smirked as she lowered the brush into the long, scraggly coat, eliciting, in her mind, a happy look from the completely inert sloth.

Then the moths flew out.

Rarity batted at the fluttery sloth moths as they assaulted her face. “Ahhh! Moths!” Rarity batted them away with precise strikes of her brush, then stood, taking huge breaths as she stared at the sloth on the table. “My, that…how could…why, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Oh, I know!” Sweetie Belle chirped. “Ms. Cheerilee said once that sometimes, animals have other littler animals living with them or on them. A…a-a microclimate!” 

She looked pleased til Apple Bloom thoughtfully asked, “So does that make me an’ Scoot part o’ your microclimate now?”

“Oh please dears.” Rarity returned to the sloth, returning the brush to its coat. “That would be absolutely redicul - EEEEEK!”

As the brush stroked the sloth, the coat opened up and spilled its perils upon the well-meaning unicorn. More moths, a few ants, and a large-ish pair of Amazonian tree cockroaches stormed out and onto the brush.

With an unearthly shriek, Rarity spun and tried to run, but slipped and landed flat on her belly. The brush, now hovering next to the sloth’s head, slowly turned in her sputtering magic, dropping one of the cockroaches onto Rarity’s back as the sloth looked impassively on.

“EEEEEEEEK!” Rarity repeated eloquently. She managed to buck from lying down, and quite powerfully, shattering the table and sending the sloth flying. Rarity managed to rid herself of the cockroach and dove for a chair, from where she watched the scene unfold.

The sloth was latched onto the CutieMass, stuck fast in the resin as the three fillies screamed and ran around the room, often rolling over to allow either Scootaloo or Apple Bloom to do some running so that Sweetie Belle could adequately squeal and wave her hooves around uselessly as well. Rarity quickly interceded by throwing the bottle of thinners at the roiling mass of fur and limbs and adding her own shouts of dismay to the general ambience.

Then the thinners got to work. The sloth came loose first, flying through the air and latching onto a ponnequin in the corner while the CMC worked their way to catastrophic resin failure.

When they came apart, they came apart hard. Sweetie Belle got thrown straight into the kitchen, Apple Bloom nearly halfway up the stairs, taking out two showpiece dresses on the way, and Scootaloo went straight through the front door.

Rarity just stood there, gawking in the sudden silence.

Just then, an angel appeared, and she was Southern; “Uhh…Ya’ll need a hoof in there or what?”


*     *     *     *


Applejack blinked at the natural disaster she’d just walked into. Sure, trotting down main street and having to dodge a screaming Scootaloo flying out randomly was definitely more regular than anypony might like, but Rarity squealing like a filly from a chair in the middle of her shop was a little less common.

Not by much, but still. 

The farm mare looked around, taking in all the sights. The place was a wreck, pony forms scattered across the floor, the dresses they wore in tatters. A desk was getting a new lease on life as kindling in one corner while two fillies crawled from the wreckage at opposite ends of the room. At first, Applejack assumed this was a regular Cutie Mark Fallout, but then she spotted the sloth, slowly lowering itself to the floor in the one undamaged corner of the boutique. Rarity was staring at the critter like a beast from Tartarus. 

“Remove it!” She hissed. 

“Uh...If ya’ll say so…” Applejack walked up to the sloth, but on second thought, she reached for a window pole. “I’ll just be borrowin’ this for a little while, Rares.”

”AWAY WITH THE SLOTH!!”

“Sloff? That what he’s called?” After a particularly pickled death glare from the unicorn, Applejack rather decided to focus on the Sloff. She was at a loss as to how to approach the immobile mammal. With nothing better to do, she just poked the pole under the Sloff and wriggled it about til it grabbed hold. 

With a mumbled goodbye, to which Rarity replied ‘TAKE IT!’, Applejack walked out. The Sloff held a good distance away from her, where it blinked back in a daze as it swung gently from the window pole.

Applejack inspected it closely. She had no choice; as an earth pony, she had to hold the pole in her mouth, and so the Sloff was pretty much filling her entire field of view. Its face was hardly threatening, more of a wedge-shaped blob with fur and two liquid eyes that moved too slowly to keep track of the pony mere feet away. 

“Mfferr…” Applejack mumbled, unsure what to make of it. She’d only heard of how terrifying it was from Fluttershy, and then seen it pull an Awkward on Pinkie Pie, but in truth, it looked truly harmless. After all, Fluttershy was just jumpy and Pinkie would have pulled that Awkward with or without the living prop, so really the critter was the victim, right?

She was so lost in thought that by the time she realized where she was, she was back on the Acres, new Sloff and all. After taking this in, she gently placed the critter in her cart, saying, “Now you just stay put ya hear? Ah gotta go buck some trees, so ya will just have to sit tight til one of the girls comes and picks ya up, okay?”

The Sloff did nothing. He just sat in a basket in the cart as Applejack trundled off, cart in tow, into the trees, talking absently as she went. 

Applejack pulled the cart up under the first of many trees. Quickly giving in to routine, she grabbed all the baskets, tossed them under the tree, spun to deliver one powerful buck, and returned to collect the apples. Only then did she remember she had company. Spinning back to the cart, she raked it furiously for any sign of the Sloff. It wasn’t there.

“Dangnabbit! How c’n anything so slow get lost so easy!” She stomped a hoof in frustration. Then she remembered how she’d placed him in a basket too. She trotted back and began rooting through the apples in their baskets, hoping both that the Sloff was there and didn’t have a concussion. 

She at least got the latter, because the Sloff wasn’t there. Applejack looked around hurriedly, trying to think of where the Sloff could have gone. A snap up in the boughs above her brought her eyes upwards, to where the Sloff was hanging quite contentedly on a branch, eating a few leaves slowly. Applejack raised an eyebrow, then laughed. 

“Oh, now don’t that make better sense! Ya’ll are tree-dwellin’ herbivores! ‘Splains the claws, kinda, and that attitude. Well, gotta say mister Sloff, that’s quite a relief. Well look, I need ta move on t’the other trees, you okay ta just stay there fer a little while?”

The Sloff munched on his leaves, quite unmoving. Applejack grinned. “Well great! Ah’ll come back and getcha now. Just hang around, snrk, an maybe you an’ me can can get back ta waitin’ at the farmhouse wi’ some apples. Now don’t you move, okay?” And with that, Applejak trotted off. 

The sloth watched her go, and then returned to finding a suitable leaf. He crawled along the branch, nearer the end where the softer buds were, and nearer the ground. Unfortunately, his arboreal inspection was interrupted by an incessant sniffing. 

The grove was apparently graced with two furry occupants now, but that’s where the similarity ended. Winona almost instantly saw the sloth hanging a few meters above the ground. The sloth saw nothing, as he had slipped into a doze. 

Winona hunkered down and barked, grinning like only Winona could, tail going crazy. 

The sloth snoozed on. 

From across the orchard, Applejack was heard. “Winona? Oh no, Mister Sloff, Ah hope yer high up!”

He wasn’t. 

Winona, getting no response, leapt forward, yapping excitedly. She leapt for the branch, trying to grab the sloth, but failing. She tried again, and again, no closer to succeeding. The gears turned in her head as she traced the branch to its tip, much lower to the ground. Just within reach, in fact.

“Winona! Stay away from that there Sloff!”

Winona failed to listen. She relocated, wiggled into a good position and leapt, just as Applejack jumped to tackle the collie. Applejack got a mouthful of dirt, while Winona got a mouthful of branch. 

One was happy, one was frustrated. Care to guess which? 

And the sloth finally awoke. 

Applejack growled at her dog. “Aw, Winona! Git yerself down from there! Not like you can do much anyway!”

When the dog failed to let go, Applejack frowned. “Fine, we’re doin’ this the hard way!’ She jumped forward and bit the wagging tail. Winona hung on gamely as the farm pony began to pull. 

“Leggo!” Applejack mumbled through the mouthful of hair. 

Winona, though, was enjoying the novel experience of being the rope in this tug of war, and hung gamely on. Applejack growled and pulled some more. 

The branch was hauled lower. 

In that final moment, the sloth released with one claw and reached out towards Applejack. When she looked up and saw the branch bent down like a bow, the cold grip of realization hit her like a sledgehammer. 

At that moment, Winona got bored. 

The dog released, and the branch whipped upwards at sloth lightspeed, taking the sloth with it until, his grip already compromised, he and the branch parted ways. 

Applejack watched in horror as Sloff the sloth arced up into the air, past the clouds and out of sight.

“Well...ponyfeathers…”


*     *     *     *


The clouds tickled Rainbow Dash’s sides as she barrel rolled through the growing cumulus spires shooting up from the cloud mass her weather team had been working on for most of the morning. She’d finished her section in the updraft sector early enough to have time spare to try and get an update on that creepy-as-hell clawed thingy Fluttershy had found. But Fluttershy was busy giving her bear a psych evaluation, it sounded like there was a waterfall going on in Sugarcube corner, Rarity was trying to get the crusaders unstuck from various parts of her house, and Twilight had been...less than responsive. In fact, Spike had been helping the bombed unicorn relocate gravity when she’d popped in. 

She’d grabbed something off the table and popped right back out when Twilight started walking on the ceiling.

Either way, she gave up after that. She decided it was time to fly on home and read that latest book she’d... acquired from Twilight’s desk. 

Landing on her cloud porch, Rainbow Dash kept the slightly ratty copy of ‘Fifty Grains of Hay’ under her wing to protect it from the moisture of the clouds. Once she was inside, a small overdose of pegasus magic kept everything pretty dry and solid, and the carpets she’d gotten laid for Tank were more than good enough resting place for the book as she casually dropped it on her way to the kitchen. As she passed one of the many, many hall windows, she paused, her acute hearing picking up a faint whistling noise in the distance. Probably just another pegasus that spun out and was tumbling to a horrifying crash. Rainbow Dash shrugged and went to make a sandwich.

When she returned, there was a sloth in her living room. 

“Holy Celestia’s nuts!’ Rainbow Dash shouted, her sandwich flyin away in her shock and becoming embedded in one of the walls, “What the actual BUCK are you doing in my house?!”

The sloth, dazed and confused, failed to answer. It sat there in the crater of carpets and cloud, staring at the blue pony fluttering about in front of him. 
“Well?! Talk, buster!”

The sloth’s comprehension was questionable. Rainbow Dash watched as the sloth slowly crawled across the floor. 

Rainbow Dash kicked up the book and held it, ready to defend herself.

The sloth, though, was focused. He reached the wall just below where Rainbow’s sandwich had met its fate, and began munching on a fallen lettuce leaf.

Dash lowered the weaponized smut, “Huh. you’re just lost, aintcha?”

The sloth munched on. 

“I’ll just take you not answering as a yes, then?” Dash offered.

Munch munch.

“Well.. okay then.” Dash sat down on her carpet. The sloth failed to show interest. “Uhh...You want some more lettuce with your lettuce? I got plenty in the icebox?”

Munch munch.

“Right, more lettuce coming right up!” Dash flew into her kitchen, corralled a lettuce and dropped it in front of her unexpected guest before the sloth could even blink.

...not that that was much of an achievement. 

“Err...So, Spike told me you’re a ‘sloth’, huh?”

The sloth’s eyes lit up like candles seen from three miles away in a heavy fog. He pounced viciously upon the lettuce, an act that took upwards of a minute. 

Rainbow Dash watched in bemusement and slightly lessening patience. 

“Soooo...what’s it like in Slothsville this time of year?” she joked. 

For the first time, the sloth reacted. It turned and looked at the pegasus a few feet away, shuffling awkwardly in the presence of her exact antithesis. 

Dash laughed a little nervously and backed up. She tried to figure out what it was the sloth was looking at. “Oh, you looking at my mane?” She tried, “Yeah, it’s pretty cool isn’t it?”

The sloth blinked. 

“W-well, sure, I guess it has its downsides…” Dash mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof. 

The sloth continued looking at her balefully. 

“Uhh...If you’re wondering if it reflects on my sexuality, it totally doesn’t.” Dash attempted. 

A blink was her only reply. 

“Hey!” She shouted crossly, “I’m not sexually ambiguous, okay? I’m a perfectly straight bi, and gay on tuesdays!” She crossed her hooves and plumphed into the carpet, then added, “And if Pinkie starts throwing more private parties. Maybe.”

The sloth merely stared. 

Rainbow Dash slumped, sighing, “Yeah, I...I guess it’s bugged me over the years, and affected my outlook on life a bit, y’know?”

The sloth blinked.

Dash stared back in confusion, then gasped, “Whoa, you think my personality is me making up for the fact that my mother was a prostitute and my father weak-willed and detached parent?”

The sloth stared intently. 

“Wow…” Dash marveled, “You’re deep dude.” She fiddled with her hooves for a moment, the sloth watching on. “Do you…” Dash started, voice husky, “Do you think my father will forgive me for starting that meth lab in the basement?”

The sloth blinked.

“Hey! I-I closed that lab down, okay? And I did my community service!”

The sloth slowly turned around, looking at all the clouds about him. 

“Um...okay, you got me,” Dash muttered, “I-I used some of the money to build this place, alright? I needed to get back on my hooves after my dad chucked me out. Best thing he ever did, I guess.”

The sloth returned its gaze to Dash. It blinked in confusion. 

Dash sniffled and wiped her nose against her hoof, “You-You think he’ll forgive me? I-if I fly over there right now and just...lay it all out?”

The sloth remained perfectly impassive.

Dash blinked. “You’re...you’re right! I should fly over there right now, and dismantle that lab I set up behind Zecora’s tea crop on the way! Thanks dude, you’re the best sloth ever!” 

Rainbow Dash tackle-hugged the sloth before holding him up in her forehooves, “You know what? I’mma do you a favour: I’ll take you groundside. Hmm… Flutters is too far, but maybe if I drop you off and point you the way?”

The sloth hung limply, doing nothing. 

“Great!” Dash crowed, zipping out through a window. 



*     *     *     *


The sloth lethargically grabbed the branch in the tree the pegasus dropped him into. As he wrapped his claws around the thick branch, Rainbow Dash watched him skeptically.

‘Well, I guess if you like just ‘hanging around’, you should be good here. So just go thataway and you should be fine, okay?”

The sloth failed to respond, as he was still coming to grips with the branch. Dash grinned, shouted goodbye and took off, humming a tune as loudly as she could as she spiralled off into the Everfree. 

The sloth was left alone hanging in the tree. He blinked deliberately, drinking in his surroundings. The sounds of birdsong filtered back after the noisy pegasus’ farewell. He saw the colours of the trees and...LEAVES! He raced forward at a full one mile an hour, to reach the succulent snack. 

In his dangerous haste, he made a critical mistake. He reached forward and grasped the brown thin-ish thing in front of him and let go with his other claw, only to realize the thing he’d grabbed was his other claw. Suddenly without any kind of support at all, he fell from the tree.

Again. 

But he didn't hit the ground. Instead he was caught. The lion's paw held him easily while the eagle’s claw tipped his chin up to look straight into the mismatched gold-rimmed red eyes above him. 

“Oh-ho, so I finally found you! My my, little friend, but have you been busy! Why don’t you come with me? There’s a certain white alicorn who is...in need of you skills.”

The sloth blinked as he was borne off into the clouds once again. He hung there, silent and unresponsive, as a vast complex of towers and minarets in white marble leaned out in splendour from the mountainside, one thought going through his head;

’Wait...so...what’s happening again…?’
	
	
> Cloudy with a chance of Sloths
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So...He’s really gone?”

“Well, I-I left him right here, and pointed the way to Fluttershy’s cottage and everything!” Rainbow Dash wrung her hooves mid-air, staring into the bleakness that was the Everfree.

“Well, I must say that it’s hardly a great loss,” Rarity sniffed. “It was disgusting! And nearly wrecked my boutique!”

“Uhh, Rares, y’all did tha wreckin’, not that liddle critter. ‘e was perfectly behaved the whole time he was on the farm!”

“You mean before or after you catapulted him into Rainbow’s house?” Twilight snarked, ruffling her wings. Her coordination was a little off as she crashed off her tea-bender.

Applejack remained quiet. Rainbow Dash, though, took up the cause. “I say you guys just didn’t give him a chance! I mean, he changed my life. My father accepted me back into the family!”

“...Did he drop the charges of breaking and entering?” Fluttershy asked innocently. Rainbow Dash was silenced. 

“I don’t think he did anything wrong,” Pinkie supplied. She was feeling much more sympathetic to the poor creature now that he wasn’t limpeted to her body in an awkward way. “I’m pretty sure it was just a strange sequence of events and external forces that conspired to show the sloth in a negative light!”

“Tell us again how many rooms in Sugarcube Corner were flooded?” Rarity shot back. “And please explain again why Mister Cake can’t seem to stay in the same room as you for more than thirty seconds?”

“Girls, lets stop this fighting,” Twilight sighed, turning away from the first and making back for home and her first AA meeting. “Let’s just be happy that this is all over.”


*     *     *     *


“Discord! You are to land immediately!”

“Tut tut, Luna dear,” chucked the God of Chaos as he gently alighted on the balcony attached to the apartment of the Princess of the Night. He noticed her face fall with disappointment when he complied so easily. “A beautiful evening isn’t it, so...peaceful?”

“Indeed, Discord, tis my pride and joy,” Luna deadpanned. “Now explain. Why you were flying around so late at night?”

“Ah, funny you should ask…” Discord shuffled backwards a little, hiding a small ball of fur in his grasp.

Luna stepped forward menacingly. “Discord, what is it?”

“It’s...why it’s…” Discord stumbled a bit out into empty space, floating over the vast gardens. His ears perked up suddenly, and he turned to face Luna with a grin. “Oh, but Princess I just wanted to liven up the night with a harmless little prank! Something I’m sure you of all ponies could understand.”

Luna narrowed her eyes and spread her wings. “I’ve seen your ‘pranks’ Discord and the amount of harm they can bring! Now show me! I highly doubt you’ve brought a rigged plushie to grace my bed.”

“Oh,” Discord tutted, shaking his head, “you ponies, so distrustful. Very well, here he is.” Discord slowly unwrapped his lion’s paw from around the furry creature, revealing two small liquid eyes that stared confusedly at the Lunar Princess glaring back at him. 

Luna raised an eyebrow at Disord. “You brought a sloth? These things even still exist?”

“Oh, but Luna!” Discord corkscrewed through the air to Luna’s side, holding the sloth up like a diamond necklace for her inspection. Luna stared hide-eyed at the sloth suddenly less that two feet from her nose while Discord stared at it in wonder. “This isn’t just any sloth.

“This is the sloth that could change the world.”


*     *     *     *


“Okay, Discord, I agreed that we could prank Celestia with this sloth you found, but do we really have to prank her during Night Court? She‘s going to be so cranky already from having to deal with Blueblood so late!” Luna sat in the wings of the great throneroom. 

Discord stood beside her, watching the dignitaries and supplicants filing into the hall while the sloth slowly climbed up his back to nestle on his head. “Don’t worry, I’m sure Celestia will be more than good-natured about it. After all, who doesn’t like musty, moth-infested sloths on their heads?”

Luna did a double-take at the sloth parked on Discord’s noggin, curled up into a nearly unrecognizable bump of fuzz. She looked closer, finally seeing the moths and other small critters that had made the sloth their home. She even spotted growing clumps of algi.

“Ugh, at least we can make him clean…” she pouted. With a flash of her magic, she achieved what Rarity had attempted mere hours before. Only where Rarity got massive property damage, Luna got a perfectly groomed and shiny sloth. 

Discord scrunched up his nose in distaste. “Ugh, it smells like vanilla…”

“Celestia likes vanilla.” Luna turned back to the throne room, the proceedings about to get under way. “Might as well not make this downright unpleasant. We’re looking for fun here; not a mild case of biological terrorism.”

Discord chuckled at that. “Of course. Just a little something to make things...interesting about the castle. I must say Luna, I was surprised you remembered exactly what this little guy is. Sloths aren’t common in Equestria, you know.”

“I had little to do but look at oddities in this world’s hidden places for a thousand years, Discord,” She replied dryly, “and I had a rather...unique vantage point. Now, hide the sloth. We need to get him into Celestia’s chambers during her meeting with Blueblood. I can distract her for a moment and have her look away from the private entrance, but you had better hurry. I have no intention of sitting through an entire meeting with those two going over the correct shade of pompous in Blueblood’s new apartments.”

“Of course not. So, what do you think?” Discord asked innocently.

Luna turned and looked. It took all the power of the Moon and Stars to keep her from falling right down and laughing her cutie mark off. 

Discord was wearing a hat. A strangely shaped hat that seemed woven from finely brushed mohair, with eyes on the front and two horny clips that looked oddly like sloth claws holding it on.

Sloth Hat. 

Discord watched with a smirk as the Lunar Princess shook with silent mirth. He flounced across the great hall, drawing a few stares of shock from the gathered courtiers, but his attention was on the midnight blue alicorn barely holding her regal pose as she tried not to laugh at Discord’s ridiculous appearance. Discord also nodded and smiled at Celestia, who made her way up to her dais from the private apartments. The only sign that the Princess was indeed tired at this abnormal hour for her was that she failed to notice the sloth on Discord’s head. 

Oh, but you will, Princess. Discord thought. You will…


*     *     *     *


Luna watched Discord pass Celestia as the Princess of the Immortal Sun made her regal way up to her dais. Both Princesses took their seats as Celestia wearily greeted, “Hello, Luna. How has your *yawn* evening been so far?”

Luna cast an eye towards the door to the private apartments, seeing it silently slip closed. “Oh...slow. Here comes Blueblood, sister.”

“Hmm? Oh, right.” Celestia turned all smiles and greeted her visitor as the snow-white unicorn walked up, ponies scattering from before his hooves lest they fall under the shadow of his toweringly high nose. “Good evening, Prince Blueblood. I trust this night finds you well?”

“Indeed, it does, aunt Celly.” He huffed, “Now, may we begin the arrangements for the new colour scheme in my wing of the castle before it’s much terribly later that it already is?”

Celestia’s smile never faltered. An interesting note, though (one that had been the centre for discussion for months) was why Luna’s throne was minutely placed further back than Celestia’s. Some thought it was a powerplay by the Solar Diarch, or that it was a sign of Luna deferring to her older sibling. All it really was, though, was that Luna had scooted her thrown back so that she could see the one single tell her sister had; a feather on her wing that twitched if she was annoyed. It was currently going off like a jackhammer.

Luna felt a tendril of thought reach out to her mind, one she was familiar with; ‘Luna, I swear to Myself, if this idiot calls me ‘Celly’ or continues this charade that he is actually related to me, I swear I will send him to the diamond mines. They need new pack animals, I believe.’

‘Oh come now, sister,’ Luna said mockingly, He is but honouring you by attaching his [bold]illustrious name[/bold] to yours. And plus, can you be one hundred percent sure he isn’t in fact, related to you?’

Celestia failed to answer. 

Blueblood, unaware of the exchange, nattered on about eight shades of peach and how each signified a different level of his own grandeur. 

Celestia raised a hoof and cut him off. The entire hall went silent; when Celestia interrupts a pony, the world listens. “Blueblood, if you will excuse me for a moment, I must retrieve a portfolio I compiled just for your personal case. Until my return, defer to my sister. She has excellent colour choice.”

Luna blinked. Then blinked again. In an impotent furor she lashed out with her thoughts; ‘Tia, how could you do this to me?! Traitor!’

Celestia stood and walked regally towards her apartment, looking back just long enough to stick out her tongue, ‘Serves you right for calling me a floozy.’

‘Do you deny it, then?’ Luna shot back, huffing internally as the detested Blueblood’s gaze swiveled to her. 

‘No, I just don’t like anypony saying it.’ Celestia smirked.

Luna stared in shock. Her sister was irrepressible. Luna also realized that Discord was probably still in there, planting the sloth.  

This is going to end badly.


*     *     *     *


Discord stared at the Immortal Power of the Flame as she groggily slammed into her room. Reserved Celestia was only for the public eye. Other residents of the palace knew this other Celestia quite well; the Scourge of All, the Diarch of Trickery and Pranking Princess caused about as much trouble as she solved, and for that...for that, everypony in the building thanked her. 

Living in a big stuffy castle could be ever so boring. Celestia made sure life was fun. Sometimes too much fun, according to the contents of a few of these drawers. Hopefully, he’d placed his sloth-y revenge in the correct one. 

Celestia’s crown thunked to the floor as she slouched low, an angry scowl across her face, “That gelding Blueblood, saying he’s my descendant...And Luna! Just because of those eight mares two decades ago.”

Discord raised an eyebrow at this, and his jaw dropped at the next:

“It was just one night of fun, after all.”

Discord nearly dropped from his patch of ceiling. That was...impressive. And biologically impossible, but she was a demigod, so who cared?

Celestia wandered over to her desk, grabbing a folder in her mouth with a roll of her eyes and walking back to her door. No magic, Discord noted. He also noted that his sloth had not been unleashed. Damn. 

But then, Celestia stopped. She levitated her crown up to eye level, then sighed and dropped it. She turned around and tramped over to her chest of drawers, reaching for the very bottom drawer.

Discord nearly squee’d.

Celestia opened the drawer and shoved her head in, her rooting about throwing socks and strapless saddles all over the floor. 

Then she stopped. 

As a precaution, Discord cast a quick spell. It was a good move, because a second after he did, Celestia emerged, a sloth attached to her face. And so she followed the only logical course of action available to her;

She screamed like a nutter.

Discord winced and blocked his ears. Good thing he’d cast that mute spell. 


*     *     *     *


Even through the magic barrier, Luna heard that scream. So did almost any skilled unicorn within a hundred miles so imbued with power was that voice. 

Luna noticed with no small satisfaction that Blueblood continued as if nothing had happened. So not Tia’s stock, then.

‘LUUUUUNAAAA!’

‘Yes, my sister?’ Luna answered innocently as Blueblood went into the various benefits of beige, ‘What is it to have gotten you so?’

‘THERE’S A SLOTH ON MY FACE!’

‘Oh? Now that’s a curiosity.’ Luna chuckled quietly to herself. 

“So I do believe a peach colour in the hallway to the bathroom would acceptably accent my standing with - Luna, are you laughing at me?” 

Luna chuckled still, “No, I’m laughing at something far more entertaining…” Only then did she remember where she was: in the open Night Court, talking to Blueblood, a member of royalty, in front of dozens if not hundreds of supplicants, all of whom gasped and tittered at her comment. Blueblood went an unearthly shade of red.

“Luna, I should think I’m owed more respect than this!”

“You aren’t owed anything, Blueblood, you already have royal apartments, and thats more than you deserve.” Luna growled, standing, “There is a situation I need to attend to. Yet another hairy mammal is assaulting Celestia, but at least this one is more pleasant than you. You forget, you are speaking to a millennia-old Princess!”
Every pony in the room gasped in shock, but Blueblood stared at her coldly. “To me, you’ve hardly been Princess two years, and you act even younger than a filly. You remember who has the real power! The people, Luna, support me!” Blueblood turned and trounced his way from the room, his nose so high that he didn’t see the ponies looking at him askance, and he was so filled with self-righteous pomp that he didn’t hear them laughing at him. 

Luna wished she could be that blissfully ignorant.

Ponies began filing out of the great hall under the guards directions; it was clear to everypony that Night Court was adjourned, but very few minded; you had to pay good money to see a comedy like that anywhere else. 

Luna quickly made for Celestia’s chambers, anticipation riding high at what she might see. She was not to be disappointed. 

Celestia was sprawled on her back, the bottom drawer of her wardrobe pulled out and its questionable contents scattered all about. Celestia herself was prying at the sloth attached to her royal visage while muttering a string of curses that has slowly turned the sloth’s coat green again, while Discord, unable to even attempt to hide any longer, was literally tying himself up in knots in the one corner

“GET THIS OFF MY FACE!”

“Just take it off with magic?” Luna suggested

“IT’S ON MY HORN!”

“Well, now there’s something I bet hasn’t been said of a sloth before.” Luna chuckled, stepping forward to pry the sloth off. 

For some reason, that sent Discord into sheer catatonics. In his laughter, he muttered something about like, “If only you could have seen it…Twilight and...and...HAHAHAHAAAAH!”

Luna smirked as she got the furry mammal off of her sister’s muzzle. “Are you alright, sister?”

“Other than being sloth’d again? Suuure.” Celestia stood, a good-natured smirk on her face as she chuckled at her sister. “Luna, you already pulled this gag when sloths evolved. I must say, this is an improvement over a megatherium, though. ”

“What can I say, I like the classics.” Luna shrugged, thinking back fondly to the time Celestia had gotten into a tiff with a two ton ground sloth. She placed the mildly distressed Sloth in the comfy embrace of her mane, where it snuggled down onto her withers and took a nap, “Plus, it was Discords idea; he found the sloth and everything.”

Celestia turned around and glared at the God of Chaos, still howling with laughter on the ground. She sighed and facehoofed. “Luna, could you get a maid to make me up some of that tea Twilight sent me last month?”

Luna grinned, pulling on a bellpull. “How much, sister, Two pots or three?”

All of it. Make it in a bathtub.”

Discord nearly choked on his spleen for laughing. Celestia raised an eyebrow at the draconequus, levitating him up and untying him as she asked, “What are you still laughing at, you haberdashery’s spare parts collection?”

“Oh Celly, that huuuurts…” Discord chuckled. “But really, do you know just how alike you and your student are?!”

“Luna,” Celestia said over her shoulder, “try and find a safe place for that sloth, will you? I think we need to talk to our friend here about the exact conditions under which he found our sloth.”

“Great! We can talk over tea!” Discord chirped, teleporting and reappearing in an english croquet morning dress beside a petite tea table with matching china. 

Luna grinned roguishly as she looked back at the dozing sloth, peaceful as ever. She thought back to a certain prince who’d gotten under her skin that evening. “Oh, I have just the pony to take care of our friend here…”



*     *     *     *


“Oh, the horror, the embarrassment!” Prince Blueblood cried, bemoaning his fate to the world. He collapsed against a window sill in his new Royal Apartment, looking out over the Castle Square where some gypsy in a pointy hat had set up her hawking cart/stage/stand thingy and was showing off to passers-by. Blueblood snarled and shut the curtains, “Can’t a prince bemoan his fate without fireworks interrupting anymore?!” He spun and buried his head in some triple-down pillows and wailed to himself,

Knock knock.

“Ugh, who is it?! Don’t you know I’m moping?!” Blueblood pulled his head out of his...pillows. Though most ponies would agree he could stand to pull his head out of his ass too. Instead, he just answered the door. 

He was more than ticked off to see that nopony was there; only a large basket. Huffing annoyedly, Blueblood dragged the basket into his apartment in the royal wing and shut the door. He just missed the barely repressed laughter from just up the hall.

The unicorn prince grumbled about rude deliveries in the middle of the night as he inspected the basket. His outraged monologue was cut short, however, when he saw a card attached to the blanket covering the basket. He tore it off and read it;

Dear Prince Blueblood
Please accept my humblest apologies for my treatment of your royal person earlier this evening. Please consider the contents of this basket a sign of how deeply serious my apology is.

Your humble sovereign
Princess Luna

“Ahah!” Blueblood cried, striking a hoof to his chest in what he thought a noble pose, “I should not have expected any less! Even the Princesses understand my importance. I wonder what it could be?”

Without further ado, Blueblood reached down and ripped the blanket off.

Bad move. 

Underneath was a sloth. But not just any sloth. A sloth that had quite patiently gone through a worse set of trials than any one sloth could be expected to go through in their entire sloth life, after losing all his sloth friends and probably sloth family, to find himself in a slothless world that seemed bent on not letting him take even a minute of the time he allocated each day to his sloth power naps (these amounted to a measly ninety percent of his life). He was now, understandably, an angry sloth. He was also wearing a giant red birthday bow around his sloth head. 

Blueblood was so distracted by the bow that even a sloth could hit him in the face.

He recoiled from the strange creature, but sloths have very long arms. The powerful foreclaws gripped one of Bluebloods reared-up forelegs, and hung gamely on as the prince spun and threw the sloth across the apartment, where it landed on Blueblood’s own bed. 

“HOW DARE YOU ASSAULT A PRINCE OF EQUESTRIA, YOU BEAST!” he screamed in a voice that would have done a certain dressmaker proud. He gasped for breath as he stared at the mass of rumpled sheets left in the centre of his vast silken bed, unblinking. As he stood transfixed, a note slowly drifted down through the air, and landed upon his snout. His eyes crossed as he read it;

It’s called a SLOTH, by the way.

“Oh, what to do, what to do?” Blueblood pranced on the spot. “Call the guard! Obviously Luna is trying to assassinate me!” The white unicorn dashed for the door, not seeing the pile of sheets begin to shift. 

He threw his head left and right, looking up and down the hall in search of any other lower ponies to handle this situation. When none presented themselves, he turned back to the beast on his bed. 

“Okay...whew, time to show the nincompoops around here that Blueblood the Brave can protect himself!” he told himself, crawling towards the bed. There were no signs of movement. Perhaps he had already slayed the beast?

Blueblood peeked into the sheets, but they were tangled and obscured the bed. With a gulp, he reached out with his telekinesis, grasped the spread, and with a final tremble, wrenched it aside, revealing…

Nothing.

“What…” Bluebloods eyes widened in fear. 

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Blueblood’s eyes trailed up his ornate headboard, up the pillars of the canopy, until, there, hanging by those long wicked claws, was the wailing demon.

Did you know sloths scream when sufficiently agitated? It’s supremely annoying.

The sloth dropped from the canopy onto the terrified pony’s back, still wailing, and Blueblood matched him to the last syllable, bucking and flying around the room at a pace and violence almost equal to Twilight Sparkle on a dance floor. When a pony pulls out the moves like that, even tree sap would have a problem holding on. 

Yet again, our poor sloth went flying, this time straight out a window. 

...towards the street performer and her conjuring act.


*     *     *     *


“And now! The Great and Powerful Trixie will conjure a bouquet of flowers from her hat!” Trixie said, projecting her voice into the crowd. 

“This old hat trick!?” Someone on the crowd shouted back.

“Ah! Looks like you haven’t seen Trixie before! I never do... ‘old hat tricks! BEHOLD!”

Trixie smiled and waved her hoof at her hat, before reaching in a pulling out some flowers. 

She could almost hear the crowd intake their breath to boo her off the stage.

“Ah! AH! Trixie is not done yet!” she cried in desperation. She was losing them. Right on the steps to Canterlot Castle, she was losing them. Time for the big guns. Trixie reached into a hidden pound in her cloak and pulled out to round shiny balls, waving her hooves randomly at the ground, she exclaimed, “You have but glimpsed the power that is The great, the powerful, the Great and Powerful Trixie! BEHOLD!”

She threw the balls at the ground, where they exploded into huge gouts of smoke. Trixie released five bolts of magic and hit a lever. When the smoke cleared, Trixie stood center stage, her cloak now golden under a rain of flowers.

Oh, and she was next to a sloth. 

The Shocked and Surprised Trixie recoiled from the strange creature. The sloth, though, did not react at all. He merely sat there, on the stage, holding a flower in each of his claws.

After a pause, he started nibbling on them.

I summoned an eldritch creature! Trixie gawked at the apparition. She stepped up to it, poking it on the shoulder. The sloth turned slowly, glaring accusingly up at the interrupter of his dinner. Trixie gazed at it, mesmerized, and started laughing in manic glee. She clapped her hooves, then hoisted the sloth high into the air, shouting over the crowd, ”What do you say to that hat trick, Canterlot?!” 

Ponies gasped at the sight. Many couldn’t believe it; even if it was an illusory spell, it was impressive, but if she had indeed summoned a living creature, and not one they were at all familiar with...The crowd burst into vibrant applause. 

”The Great and Powerful Trixie is anything but a one trick pony!” she shouted in relief. She placed the sloth on the ground beside her and bowed deeply to her audience, drinking in their admiration. When she pulled her head up again, she stared up at the Canterlot sky under the brim of…

Actually, her hat was now in the sloth’s mouth as he continued chewing happily. Trixie was so caught up in herself that she didn’t notice. Neither that, nor the white unicorn mare in purple shades sneaking onto the stage.


 *     *     *     *


Vinyl just stared at the... thing that Trixie had popped into existence. She sure as hell had no idea what it was, but she only needed to know one thing.

She wanted it. 

She smiled as she stood up at the back of the audience, her tongue sticking out as she concentrated and as her horn started to spark with her magic. With a slight poofing sound, she disappeared.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has summoned one of-” 

Vinyl appeared slightly above the stage,  landing with slight thud on the stage. Trixie froze mid-rant, and slowly turned, the sloth still beside her, casually continuing his meal.

“Wha? Trixie demands that this...  upstart explains herself immediately!” the magician said, her voice projecting into the audience. Some of the audience leaned forward, thinking it was part of the act, and the show was about to get interesting.

Well, they were right about one thing at least.

Vinyl smiled behind her glasses, her mouth stretching into a big grin.

“Well, I’m here for the thing you summoned,” she said in a cocky voice.

Trixie frowned. “And just what makes you think that Trixie will just hand over this great creature?”

Vinyl tilted her head and smiled a creepy smile. 

“This.” 

She reached into her saddlebag with her magic, pulling out a what resembled a long tube with a few menacing prongs on the end. It beeped and booped as it appeared to power up as Vinyl pointed it at Trixie.

Trixie laughed. “All Trixie sees is a stick with flashy lights. Even Trixie can manage to make something like that.”

Vinyl smiled that smile.

It was the type of smile that made Trixie uneasy.

“This? Oh, this is nothing special. It’s just-” She paused for dramatic suspense. “-My BASS CANNON!” She shouted at Trixie, causing her to jump a little. Vinyl smirked as she opened the switch. “Lol, I kid, it’s just a cattle prod.”

Trixie quickly recovered her reserve and smirked at the interloper, “Trixie thinks that a certain white unicorn is drunk.”

Vinyl shook her head. “Drunk is a relative term. Now, are you going to give me the awesome thing, or...?” She left the sentence hanging, her glasses glinting in the light.

“Over a stick? Trixie thinks that she’ll do no such thing.”

Vinyl stopped smiling. “Okay, no one calls my weapons of mass destruction sticks and gets away with it twice. One last chance Trixie.”

The two stared each other down, the audience looking back and forth, unsure what was going on.

Trixie shook her head. 

“No.”

Vinyl sighed, and tightened her grip on her weapon. “Fine,” she sighed, ‘I did warn ya.”

Suddenly, a loud and focused sound flew across the stage. Trixie was thrown backwards off the stage, hitting the ground with a thud and a squeal, The sloth, mercifully below the massive impact zone, was only rolled off to the side, but Vinyl grabbed it in her magic as she stared at her device a little more closely.

“Huh, well waddaya know, this is my Bass Cannon. Oh well.”

Bringing the sloth to her face, she smiled. “Let’s get you outta here, buddy.” She smiled and turned back to the crowd. “I’m sorry, but Miss Trixie the Not Incredibly Bright just clocked out early.”

The crowd started stomping their hooves in applause, thinking it was all part of the act.


 *     *     *     *


Vinyl smiled as she entered the club where she would be DJing for the night. The bouncers had tried to stop her from bringing Him in, but a quickly thought-through lie had solved that.

The sloth, perched on her back, seemed to smile as the sunglasses Vinyl had put on him glinted in the flashing strobe.

Seemed to, at least.

She pushed her way through the crowd, drawing dozens of eyes to her and her guest. She smiled as she got up to her deck on the stage in the center of the buzzing club and activated her microphone.

“WELCOME TO THE CLUB EVERYPONY! HERE’S TO A KICKASS TIME, AND MY NEW BUDDEH, DJ-THINGY THE AWESOME!”

The crowd stopped moving for a moment to look at the strange thing. Vinyl set the new ‘DJ’ on her turntable. The sloth turned slowly, (at a blistering 33 rpm!), showing his be-goggled face to the entire crowd, the glasses putting a wide grin on his face. 

...actually, that was just the strobe lights.

“What is that thing!?” Someone cried out of the increasing bassline.

Vinyl stood up, balancing herself on two legs, her two forelegs and magic spinning through the controls of her equipment. She threw one hoof in the air as she answered with a lopsided grin, “This thing is what brings the party! This thing will rock your world!

“I’M SAYING, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?”

The crowd roared in response.

“Then let the bass drop!”


*     *     *     *


The sun was rising and the birds were chirping. Octavia was greeting the morning by playing her cello, practicing for an upcoming show in Los Pegasus. The entire home was filled with a beautiful melody. With each note, she moved her bow with dignity, grace, and-

“Yo, Octy!”

*SCREECH*

“We’re home!”  Vinyl shouted out loudly, too loudly for the early hour in the morning.

Octavia carefully set her bow and cello down, cross with Vinyl’s abrupt appearance. “Vinyl, you’ve been out all night again! And have you been-” she froze, realizing Vinyl said “we” and noticing the sloth hanging from her neck.

“Vinyl, what in the name of Celestia is that…thing you’re carrying?”

“Oh? You mean Mr. Bring-The-Party-Awesome-Thing?” Vinyl said stupidly, using her magic to grab the sloth off her slightly mussed-up person and bringing it just directly in front of Octavia and her cello. “He’s... Mr. Bring-The-Party-Awesome-Thing!”

The sloth hung there, staring blankly at the grey pony cowering before him. With a small squeak, he slowly reached a claw in her direction.

Octavia shrunk back, being protective of her cello, and possibly her life too. “Vinyl, I swear, if you put that thing anywhere near my cello, so help me!”

“Oh, relax, Octy! He’s not going to hurt your chel-celi... make-pretty-music-thing. He’s been on my deck all night and he didn’t hurt it! He even turned the speaker up to eleven! I didn’t even think my deck had an eleven!”

“It doesn’t,” Octavia noted drily.

Octavia caught a whiff of Vinyl’s breath and coughed. “Vinyl, are you drunk?”

“I is not drunk! I swear I only had...” Vinyl stopped to concentrate for a moment, letting the sloth go to the ground. “One second,” she said, thinking.

After about a minute or two, she smiled. “I only have ten!” she said proudly, holding out two of her hooves before realizing she needed them and falling to the floor.

Octavia facehoofed, letting out an annoyed grunt at the DJ’s antics. “Vinyl, I don’t care if Twilight is a princess or not, you are NOT going to her “tea parties” anymore. Now get up, and take that thing-” Octavia looked at Vinyl and noticed Mr. Bring-The-Party-Awesome-Thing was nowhere to be seen.

“Vinyl… Where did that thing go?”

*SNAP*

The cellist’s question was quickly answered as she turned around and saw the sloth lethargically hanging on to her beautifully crafted, mahogany cello.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!“ Octavia screeched at the site of a broken string.

Vinyl just sat there, giggling at the sloth.

“Hey, Mr.... Awesome. Do you know what that’s made of? It’s magnoy. Say it with me. Mag-noy,” she said slowly, sounding the word out before she just devolved into random fits of laughter.

Octavia stopped and glared at Vinyl. “That’s mahogany!”

Vinyl sighed. “Fiiiiinnnnneeeee. Meghoanty.” 

Octavia’s eye twitched. “Vinyl! You get your drunk arse up and get that... that thing out of our house before it becomes MY house!”

Vinyl groaned. “Octy, shhhhhh, you’ll upset him. And my head as well. He’s just playing, right Mr. Awesome?”

The sloth meanwhile, continued climbing upon the closest thing to a tree he could find.

SNAP

“VINYL I SWEAR ON ME MUM I WILL... ahem... Excuse me. You really must get that thing out of here Viny!”

“Urg... Fine,” Vinyl said, trying to get to her hooves. And failing repeatedly.

“Uh... Octy, I forgot how to pony...”

Octavia groaned and sighed, turning back to the... thing and making a face at it. “Well, if Vinyl won’t do anything with you…”

The sloth just sat there, slowly crawling up the cello. Octavia made a face and went to grab it, holding it as far away from her as she could and carried it over to Vinyl.

“Vinyl, when you can walk, you take Mr. Awesome back to where ever you found him.” 

Vinyl muttered something unintelligible.  Sighing, Octavia went to put the thing on her, but there was something crucial that her brain informed her of.

The sloth wasn’t letting go of her.

“Mr. Awesome, please come off.”

Nothing.

“Mr. Awesome, please come off. I need my foreleg to beat Vinyl with.”

Nothing.

Octavia sighed, trying to keep her cool glanced around the apartment, eventually spotting a means of escape.

“Do you like sandwiches Mr. Awesome?” she asked, trying to get any, ANY response from the inert animal..

Well, it did blink. Good enough.

Octavia hobbled over to the table, putting the sloth encased forearm down next to the sandwich. 

She waited. 

And waited.

Vinyl moaned from the floor.

The clock struck four thirty.

And still the sloth didn’t move.

Octavia sighed, resigning herself to her new bodily attachment, when the sloth did indeed move. Just slightly.

Eyes wide, she quickly used her free hoof to get the sloth off and onto the table.

Octavia sighed in relief, before glancing at Vinyl on the floor, arse in the air and a snore emanating from the other end.

Octavia quickly thought a plan. ‘Vinyl is drunk off her arse, so she’ll not remember this night. There’s nothing to say that this thing can’t just... disappear.’

Nodding slightly, she got a pair of kitchen tongs and lifting the sloth with them, depositing it just outside the front door. She looked at him sadly

“Sorry Mr. Awesome, but I really must fix my cello, and then maybe sharpie mustaches and other things onto Vinyl’s face. It’s the right thing to do.”

It started to rain a little.

And the sloth sat there, in the grey light and the drizzle, contemplating his life and the turns of events that had brought to this sad and lonely low point in his…

Who are we kidding, he’s a sloth.

All he did was blink and start crawling up the road. 

Until a voice penetrated the air.

“I’M WALKING IN THE MOONLIGHT, AND AIN’T ANYBODY GOING TO STOP MEHHHHHHH!”

A tall midnight-blue figure, stumbled through the pre-dawn light, stopping when it spotted the sloth in the street.

“SLOTH! YOU CAME BACK!”


*     *     *     *


“And...and then she says, ‘Friendship is magic! I nearly fell flat on my sun-spangled ass!” Celestia laughed, leaning on Discord as she tried to dip her teacup back into the well-drained bathtub. She frowned as the cup slipped out of her aura, “O-of course, I couldn’t, because I gotta be their Pretty Pony Princess, all perfect and sexy and...stuff.”

“Whoa,” Discord stared up at the chandelier above him, eyes wide and glassy, “You should totally get that turned into a TV show or something…”

Celestia scrunched her snout in confusion, “...what?”

“You know, like moving pictures on a screen. You could send it to those human things, that way I bet a bunch of them would want to come over here! Instant free servants for ever!” Discord proclaimed proudly, suddenly sitting up and reaching into the tub, pulling out Celestia’s cup while refilling his own with the rich-smelling herbal concoction within. He turned back to the Solar Princess, only to find she was no longer where she had been. He looked down and saw her flat on her back, staring glassy-eyed up at the ceiling. 

“That chandelier really sucks.”

“I know right?” Discord laughed, spilling his tea. He merely refilled his cup from the tub.

Suddenly the chamber door suffered a heavy strike. and then another. 

“Open in the name of the Princess!” Shouted a voice from the other side. 

“Who is that knocking at my chamber door…?” Celestia quoth, staring at the door in question.

Eventually, Luna figured out she had to pull, and stumbled into the room, crowing with joy, “Look who I found waiting outside for me!”

Celestia gasped and rolled in a random direction. “Is that the sloth from earlier?!”

“I believe it is!” Discord laughed happily, leaping up to stroke the snoozing sloth on its head as it lays across Luna’s withers, only slightly damp and no worse for wear. “He seems to be doing just fine, can you believe? Where did you find him, Luna?”

“I found him...I found...I...I can’t remember,” Luna shrugged, plopping down next to the bathtub of ‘tea’ and just sticking her whole snout in. 

“Heheh…” Celestia managed to drag herself over to Luna’s side. “Look at this sloth...thi-this sloth is amazing! You know what? We should knight him, make him a prince! He’d be a much better Prince than that pile of manure Blueblood.”

“Y-yeah! Luna nodded vigorously, soaking Celestia with tea. Celestia didn’t seem to notice, “I...I knight you Sir Prince, First Crowned Sloth of Equestria and minister of Lunar Morale!”

“Lunar morale?” Celestia scrunch-faced again, “What would that do?”

Discord and Luna shared a knowing look, and both started cackling. Celestia looked between them and joined in, still unsure why she was laughing. 

“My dear Princess of the Immortal Sun, we shall use this sloth to fulfill the ancient true purpose of his kind!” Discord threw his arms wide, nearly falling over. With a wide grin, he said, “We shall use him to troll.”

The sloth was unaware of his repurposing to serve the Royal Amusement, though, because the second he had smelt the strong herbal tea scent in the room, he had passed out like a light.

Twilight knew her teas.