1 - God dammit, Megalon.
My Little Kaiju: F--k Equestria
Hello, My name is Gigan Bartholomew Poseidon Aristocles. And this is the story of how I fucking trash Equestria.
Well, it started out as a normal day. Me and my idiot partner, Megalon, were just chillin' by Jupiter. Then, suddenly, King MOTHAFUCKING Ghidorah appears. You know, the levitating, golden three-headed dragon that shoots gravity bolts and shit? Yeah.
"GIGAN! YOU BITCH!!!"
Well, let me explain. The three of us went to this new Chinese restaurant on Earth, and ate a lot of shit there. But then Fuckzilla appears, and we blow the joint, leaving Ghidorah behind. It apparently led to his left head getting blown off, and being left with a HUGE bill that we previously decided to split. In my defense, Dickzilla would've blasted by head off. And mine can't regenerate. So boo-hoo-fucking-hoo, Ghidorah.
I sigh. "What is it, Ghiddy?"
"You asshole! I had to work my freakin' debt off for what, 32 days!?" He yelled. "I had to miss a date with Biollante for that! She won't even fucking talk to me anymore!"
"So what?" I say. "That bitch was cheating on you, anyway."
Ghidorah was about to retort, but his chest suddenly exploded. I turned to see Megalon, smiling like the dumbass he is.
"Bomb solve everything."
...
...
Yeah. Did I mention this guy is an idiot?
Anyways, Ghidorah was obviously pissed, so he shot a blast of his gravity shit at Megalon. I mean, seriously. By the way it looks, Toho should've just put lightning instead of explaining it as gravity beams. I mean, what the shit? It fucking electrocutes. Anyways, the sheer power of the gravity led to Megalon's insides busted up. How do I know? He threw up his spleen.
"Take that, retardotron!"
... Uh oh.
Megalon suddenly fused his drill arms into a fucking big one. Yeeeeaaaaah. That nickname pisses him off.
"Giga..."
Holy fuck, I think the idiot's really gonna do it!
"... DRILL..."
SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT-
"... BREAAAAAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!"
Well, that was a good run. See you folks in he- Wait, did that idiot's Giga Drill Breaker just miss? And, what the fuck is that black circle thing? AND WHY IS IT GETTING BIGGER!?
Ghidorah let out a scream as he was sucked into the black thing. Huh. It was a black hole. Megalon was next, but the fucker just... Laughed. Then, it was pulling ME in! I tried to get away, but failed. As I lost consciousness, only one thought was in my mind.
"God dammit, Megalon."
Sometime later...
So... Yeah. I know this is cliche shit and all, but gimme a break. I have to deal with this dumbass everyday. Anyways, I opened my eyes.
"Ughh..." And the first thing I see is a purple pony. Wait, WHAT!?
I try to sit up, but it turns out I'm bound by some sort of gravity control.
"Hmmm... Interesting. Can you understand me?"
I reply weakly. "No shit, Sherlock."
"Oh, cut the snarkiness. You're MY test subject here. My name is Twilight Sparkle, by the way."
I take the time to see what she is. She's a purple unicor- Are those fucking wings!? Just what the flying fuck is she!? And why does she have a starburst tattoo on her butt!?
"Okay, I'm pretty sure horses don't have wings or a horn." I say. "And why the fuck am I here?"
"Pony." She corrects. "And I'm the princess of science and magic, so you're under my jurisdiction."
Science and magic? What is this, I don't even...
"I can see you're worried about your friends." Uh, no. Those fuckers can go burn for all I care. "They're over there."
The purple pony princess points to Ghidorah, who's asleep, getting examined. Megalon, on the other hand, is free. Wait, FREE!?
"Megalon! Get me outta here!"
Megalon frowns. "But Starbutt say me is good, so me free. Sorry."
I frown, but suddenly remember my favorite weapons, which is saying a lot since I AM one. "Uhhh... Twilight?"
"Yeah?"
"EAT LAZAH BITCH!!!" I fire my Shotgun Blast Beam from my visor-eye. She screams, and gets blasted away. I activate my Abdomen Saw's laser blades (yes, I can fucking do that now shut up) and cut through the binding force. I stand up, and activate all my weapons. These bitches be payin' for tying me up.
"Who are you!?" The pony princess says, horrified.
Instead of saying some cheesy 'I'm your worst nightmare' shit, I say. "I'm Gigan, bitch."
I then proceed to incinerate her using my mouth-flamethrower. Yes, it's legit. See the fucking CD Tour. I kill all the other horses in the room using my Shotgun Lasers, and free Ghiddy. I slap him awake with my blade hands, accidentally cutting his right head off. It regrows.
"What the fuck, man!" He says, before I shut him up with my Serious Look and tell him the situation. He grins.
"Yeah boy! Time to fuck shit up!"
Well said, Captain Obvious. Anyways, we find put we're in some kind of giant warehouse, and break out. We see a town in the horizon, and we decide to destroy that first.
10 Minutes Later...
Well, that was easy.
We managed to incinerate this pathetic town known as 'Ponyville' in an instant. We spare the foals and mindwipe them to think that this is normal, though. What? Even destroyers of worlds have fucking standards.
Anyways, our little destruction fest was suddenly interrupted by three unicorns-with-wings. From their butt tattoos, I assume that they're the Princesses of the Sun and Moon, respectively. Oh, and look! Starbutt is still alive. Oh joy.
"What is your business here, abominations!?" yell the dark blue one.
"Duh. Destruction, ya dumbass." I snap back, leaving the blue one stunned. Shock quickly gives way to anger.
"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME IN THAT MANNER!?"
I shoot my eye laser casually at her, catching her by surprise, and knocking her to the ground.
The white one seems... Shocked, and quickly says, "Er... Forgive my sister. My name is Celestia, and the one you blasted away is Luna. I assume that you have already met Twilight Sparkle?"
"Uh, ya don't fucking say?" In my best Nicholas Cage impression, too. Score; Gigan one, Princesses, none. Woot!
"Anyways, I would like to know who you are." Trying the diplomat approach, are we? Two can play at that game.
"My name is Gigan, and this is King Ghidorah." I point to Ghiddy, who is busy feasting on the dead bodies of a hundred ponies. "And Megalon, the one singing the Pokèmon theme, is my partner."
The three nod. "What is Ghidorah ruling over?"
I roll my single eye. Here it comes.
"I..." Ghidorah starts, ignoring the dead bodies now. "... AM THE KING OF TERROR!!!"
The princesses look amused, until Ghidorah summons a gravity storm and levitates slabs of rocks around.
"And destruction. Don't forget destruction." He adds, before trapping the three in a gravity tornado that turns them into bloody shit. Sparklebutt escapes, though.
"Girls! We don't have a choice! Let's use the Elements of Harmony!" I roll my eyes as five other colored horses appear. Then suddenly levitate, and somehow shoot a Rainbow Helix of Ultimate Friendship at me. I shrug it off, shocking them.
"W-Why didn't it work!?"
"Because." I say. "THIS is the power of friendship!"
Ghidorah, Megalon and I nod together before charging a giant energy ball by pouring out powers into it. I grab it using my hook-blades and yell,
"ULTIMATE ATTACK OF ULTIMATE FRIENDSHIP OF ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION BY THE ULTIMATE KAIJU TRIO!!!"
And then I erase Equestria from them map, and me and my... Ugh... "Friends" live happily ever after, the end.