After witnessing her brother and a pink mare perform a neightanic ritual, better known as kissing, while her parents are away, Twilight and Smarty Pants take it upon themselves to save Shining Armor from the "pink demon"
Kissing
For grown ponies, it's a normal display of affection between couples. For fillies and colts, it's the most evil thing that a pony could do with another pony.
When Shining Armor and "Cadenza" share a kiss, Twilight takes it upon herself to slay this evil enchantress and save her brother before it's too late.
"I had a wonderful time, Shiny. I'm really glad we did this."
"T-thanks. I'm really sorry about my sister, though. I know she can be a real handful, but her hearts in the right place. Getting accepted into the academy has her flying around the house like a mad filly and I just don't have it in me to spoil her fun."
"Just look at them." Twilight whispered, as her and Smarty stared at the hormonal couple in disgust. "Over there being affectionate and caring. It's disgusting."
While the young couple had been going about their final conversation for the night, directly across the room from them were two young foals, both of whom had taken to observing these disgusting actions from the safety of the stairwell.
Honestly, Twilight's entire Friday had been spent watching these two go at it with corny compliments and back and forths so cheesy that it made her want to hurl. To make matters worse, she waited all week for this day to finally arrive and she just has to steal Shining away from her.
"Look at her. With her dumb ponytail and her dumb wings and her dumb position in solar court, which just so happens to award her over sixty thousand bits for doing nothing, and her dumb........Her dumb face! She's only rich because she's an alicorn!" Twilight snarled, her form hidden by the thick railing the ran alongside the staircase. "Her and her dumb ability to make ponies like each other."
"Don't you think you should be a little nicer to her? I mean, it's not like she's treats us badly or anything." Smarty Pants stated, his dark blue and red eyes observing the cute little scene as he poked his head over the railing in curiosity.
"Oh hush!" Twilight snapped, her eyes burning with annoyance as she tried her best to burn holes into the side of Cadence's head with her eyes. "You're just saying that because she gave you a disgusting hug."
"Yeah well you're just mad because Shining likes her more than you." Smarty stated, before sticking his tongue out at her in a childish display of victory.
"Shhh! I can't hear what that thing is saying!" Twilight hissed.
"Shiny I......I just wanted to tell you that....That I'm lucky to have a stallion like you." Cadence said, her voice incredibly soft and her face burning a gentle shade of red with an apparent blush.
"Well geez Cadence, you make it sound like I'm more than just some plain old stallion." Shining Armor replied, as he forced his eyes elsewhere in a mixture of flattery and embarrassment. "I'm nothing special."
Cadence clearly thought otherwise, as she brought a hoof to his chin and gently pulled his snout, along with his attention, back towards her gentle smile. "I'm serious, Shiny. I've had to deal with a lot of jerks in this pompous town, but you treat me like more than just somepony in line for a spot on the throne. You're one of the few ponies I've met who actually looked past my wings and my horn and just treated me like a mare. I just.....Thank you, Shiny.....Thank you."
And much to Shining Armor's delight and Twilight's dismay, Cadence quickly pressed her lips against Shining Armor's lips for a quick kiss before she pulled away and giggled at the stunned stallion. "I'll see you next week, Shiny."
And with a brilliant flash of pink light, Cadence was gone in an instant. Shining Armor, however, hadn't moved a single inch from the doorway, as a toothy grin seemed to become a permanent fixture of his white snout.
"Shining?" Twilight called, as she finally descended down the staircase, a small gray doll resting on her back as she slowly inched her way to her frozen brother. "Are you alright, Shining?" she squeaked, as she finally came withing a foot of her of dear brother.
Shining Armor didn't respond. He didn't even close the front door. He just.......Sat there.
"Well Smarty Pants and I are gonna just go ahead and get to bed. Good night."
"Do you think he's........Dead?" Smarty Pants asked, as the two friends marched their way back up the stairs, eager to get away from Shining Armor and his unsettling smile.
"I don't know, Smarty. It's almost like that witch stole his soul or something! Did you see his face? He was as pale as a ghost!" Twilight stated, as the two trotted towards a purple door that marked Twilight's room.
"He has a white coat, dumby. How can he get any paler?" Smarty Pants replied, shoving the door open with a gray hoof, as he lead the way towards a large, purple bed that dominated most of the room.
"Hey, I know what I saw! His coat of fur is usually egg white, but he went from egg white to, like, ghost white! And did you see that smile? That's the smile of someone whose been possessed by a demon." Twilight muttered, as she burrowed her way into her extremely comfortable set of covers.
"I think that you're just jealous because there's another mare who is keeping him all to herself." Smarty pants teased, as he stretched himself out on the bed, before curling up like a dog next to the fiery little filly.
"Yeah well you're ugly and you smell like poop! I win, you lose." Twilight replied, as she wrapped her hooves around Smarty's large, gray form and let out a massive yawn. "G'night, Smarty."
".......You think that Cadence would give me a kiss in exchange for my soul?"
All that Twilight the Terrific could see the beyond the gray vale that filled the corridors were shrouds and shrouds of fog.
With her wand of favor in her hoof and the sword of moonlight in her telekinetic grasp, Twilight the terrific couldn't fail now. Separated from her trusty companion, she couldn't even give herself time to celebra- er, mourn the loss of her of faithful companion, Sir Smarty.
"AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! SOMEPONY HELP ME! SOMEPONY HELP MEEEEE!"
Clearly to late to rescue my companion. Not a chance that even Celestia herself could save him from his painful death. Twilight the Terrific thought, as she slowly rounded corner with a curious peek. With Smarty the Idiotic taking care of that she-beast, the Cookies of Avalon shall surely be mine! Twilight thought, with an evil cackle.
Knowing that her victory was near, the proud mage trotted down the steep slop with an air of confidence and hopped around the corner with her eyes gleaming in purple eyes.
"Well Well Well.....It looks like I've found myself another little puppet to play with! A voice boomed, as a gentle, blue light began to glow from within a darkened cavern.
"Show yourself, you foul beast!" Twilight the Terrific snarled, her trusty blade aimed at the bright light, which seemed to grow brighter in the midst of the hazy fog. "My blade will be more than happy to end your wretched life!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tisk tisk tisk! You should be honored to join in on my precious little puppet, my silly little filly!" Let's just say that it's a show that you'll absolutely die for!" The ghastly voice screeched in glee.
"Show me what you can do, fiend!" Twilight snarled. "And just so you know, maybe you should give up on the jokes. That last one you pulled made me want to stick my head in a toilet bowl."
"What!? How dare you insult my amazing sense of humor! Take this!"
Another brilliant flash of blue light, flared from within the glowing cavern. Small figures of blue light slowly began to march their way out of the bright cavern, as they hopped their way out of the fog. They were.....They were........
"Vegetables!? You monster!" Twilight snarled. With a loud roar that only a fearsome filly could conjure up. the purple warrior charged into the fog and began her assault on the devilish assortment of healthy foods.
With a flash of her horn, she drove her vicious, steel sword through two, red eyed heads of cabbage. Another flare of her horn and three giggling carrots were quickly reduced to ashes in the midst of a purple flame. Noticing a hint of movement out of the corner of her eye, Twilight the Terrific was able to duck out of the way of a charging potato and set it aflame with a quick spell.
It quickly became apparent to the filly that no matter how many spells she cast, nor how many times she swung her sword, the onslaught of vegetation refused to cease. For every slain cabbage, it seemed as though three apples would take its place in a matter of seconds.
The cookies! I have to get the cookies!"
"Oh! Are you looking for these? The voice asked in a mocking voice.
Hanging in the midst of the brilliantly cave was a shimmering, glass jar....
Filled to the brim with chocolate chip cookies.
"Mine!" Twilight squealed, as she flung her sword and her staff in the air and charged at the jar. With one mighty leap, she took her one and only shot at chocolaty immortality.
Once the filly leapt into the air, time seemed to slow down for the purple blur. As she soared through the air, all that seemed to consume the filly's were the perfectly made cookie's that filled the treacherous jar. Those chewy......chocolate filled......cookies.....
"You can get past Shining the Stupendous?" Shining Armor asked, as he raised the squirming, and hooded purple filly into the air as though she were some sort of trophy. "The Cookies of Avalon shall always belong to me, you silly little filly. Don't think for a minute, that you shall ever be able to defeat my fiber filled army!"
The filly only let out a snort of frustration, before she was gently dropped the floor with a thud. "Come on, Shining! Can I just have one! Just give me one and I promise that I'll never bother you again for the rest of your life!" Twilight pleaded in a squeaky voice, as she hopped up at the cookie jar the Shining held just pout of reach of her flailing hooves.
"OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA! YOU LOOK SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!" A voice squealed from behind the frustrated filly.
And for the second time in a matter of minutes, Twilight was scooped up in somepony's hooves without so much as a yelp as Cadence began to squeeze the breath out of the caped little trouble maker.
"Release me you foul beast!" Twilight squealed, before she found he face being shoved into Cadence's furry chest.
"Dawwwwww! Just wook at you with your wittle cape!" Cadence cooed in her infamous baby voice, as Twilight squealed and thrashed in frustration and Shining Armor chuckled in amusement. "You look like a wittle adventurer with your wittle cape and your wittle spatula!"
"It is not a spatula! It is the sword of moonlight!" Twilight complained, before she found her face being shoved right back into Cadence's pink fur.
"All right Cadence, I think she's had enough." Shining chuckled, as he deposited Twilight's jar of delicious targets back on top of a white fridge with a gentle little clink. "Maybe her time would be better spent playing outside. I believe she's a little late for her play date with that.......Blueblood, I believe?"
"Do I have to go?" Twilight asked, as she was placed on the floor once again. "Bluebooger is such an idiot!"
"If you go, than I might consider taking you with me and Cadence to the Wonderbolt show, next Friday." Shining exclaimed, as he looked down at the stunned filly with a smug smile.
"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine." Twilight groaned, as she tugged the makeshift cape off of her back and kicked it on the floor. "Can I at-least take Smarty with me?"
Shining had to resist rolling his eyes, as he looked down at his annoyed sister in amusement. "Fine. But you better get going. You don't want to disappoint Celestia, do you?"
"Oh dear sweet Celestia! I gotta go!" And without another word, the little "warrior" rushed out of the kitchen, bolted her way out of the front door and set off towards to visit her favorite mentor for another lesson.
It almost brought a tear to Shining Armor's eye, as he imagined all of the friends she would make and all of the wonderful memories she would have when it was all said and done. It almost brought a tear to his eye, as he mumbled "They grow up so fast."
"They sure do." Cadance whispered, as she rested her head against his sturdy shoulder."......Do you think we should check her room for an actual sword?"
Princess Celestia let out a long, drawn out sigh, before she turned her attention to the white colt sitting opposite of the purple pupil. Rather than giving her his full attention, he was fiddling with a shiny, golden bit, its surface occasionally reflecting the smallest flecks of sunlight that poured its way through the windows in Celestia's cozy little study.
"Blueblood? Can you tell me what happened after the six month conflict in Clawstria?"
"Oh, that's easy! After a hard fought battle, our beautiful leader met with the emperor of the eagles and offered up a masterfully written treaty, promising a small piece of land for absolute peace. Truly a work of art from my favorite Aunt." Blueblood added coolly, as he sat his small bit down on the marble table with a small clink.
"Well, atleast somepony read the material. Twilight, what do you have to say for yourself?" Princess Celestia asked, a stern look plastered on her snout as her eyes found their mark on the angry little filly.
"You and I both know that you put those eagles to death! It's a conspiracy, I tell you!" Twilight shouted, as she kicked the chair from under her, stood up on her hind legs and slammed her hooves on the table's surface.
Celestia facehoofed while Blueblood snickered at Twilight's accusation. This isn't the first time they've had to deal with Twilight's conspiracy theories and it wasn't going to be the last. Celestia had come to accept her student's outbursts as a regular occurrence, though she had to do her best to keep the little filly from reporting her "findings" to her guests during her visits, lessons and her study sessions.
Wouldn't want to give ponies any ideas, especially when those ideas are coming from a paranoid little filly who has enough magical power churning in her belly to level the entire castle.
"Auntie, why is this imbecile even here? Of all the students to pick, you had to choose the one looking for assassins under her bed? " Blueblood snorted, earning himself a growl from both Celestia and the conspiracy theorist. "It would've been easier for us to just take a walk out into the wild and pick up a rabid manticore."
"You and I both know that, ever since that little war took place, we haven't heard a single thing from the Clawsteians! Don't you think it's a little weird that the last time we hear from them happens to be around the same time as the day the treaty was passed? They get a new slice of land and not a single colony has sprung up!" Twilight explained, before turning her purple eyes towards the head of the table. "Isn't that right, Celestia?"
"Twilight, we've been over this. Why would I sign peace treaty to give up Equestrian land when all of my enemies have been put to rest?" The alabaster mare pointed out, her face betraying neither a hint of anger nor amusement.
"Public relations, princess. I would consider giving you a little praise if I didn't know that you were such an evil tyrant!" Twilight squeaked, her hooves raised in righteous anger.
After that, the only noise that could be heard in the entire study were the sounds of Blueblood's howling laughter and Celestia's chuckles. To add to Twilight's ever growing anger, the laughter continued for a full minute as the filly eased back into her chair with an angry huff.
"Stop laughing! This isn't a joke! "Twilight yelled, her voice barely cutting through the laughter as the other two ponies in the room finally began to quiet down.
"Oh Twilight, you silly little filly! What am I ever going to do with you?"Celestia squealed, pulling the annoyed filly into her fluffy chest for a tight hug with a spark of her large horn. "You're lucky that you're so cute or I would've had you thrown into the dungeon by now!"
"Let go of me you tyrant!" Twilight squeaked, as she tried and failed to pull herself away from Celestia's immensely powerful hooves. "You'll never be able to keep me down forever!"
"Well you won't have to worry about that Twilight, because I'll be going away for the next few days." Princess Celestia stated, as she held out the squirming filly and gently placed her on the floor.
"Going where? Saddle Arabia? Manehattan!? Can I come!? Can I!" Blueblood asked, his eyes glowing at the chance at a vacation in flashy cities.
"As much as I'd love to take you, I doubt that you would enjoy spending you time listening to me talk to griffons about Equestrian borders." Celestia replied, gently patting the little colts head. "Maybe next time."
"Do we get to skip our lessons while you're gone?" Twilight asked, hopeful that she would be able to escape the pain that is dance class.
"Nope!" Celestia replied in a cheerful voice, her small smile growing into a large grin. "After consulting my adviser, we've decided that the best person to hire for the job should be someone that's already familiar with the castle and familiar with the students."
"Aaaaaaaand?" Blueblood and Twilight both stared at their mentor with curiosity
"Well I figure, since Twilight seems to be struggling with her assignments, I could hire someone who could take her home and help her study from time to time!" Celestia exclaimed, as she looked over at her wide eyed nephew. "I'm sure you've seen Cadence wandering the castle grounds every now and then?"
Just then, Twilight's world shattered. What was once a scene of Celestia speaking to an excited Blueblood became nothing but a swirl of colors. Like two neutrons stars colliding, what little color there was gave way to a pure and absolute blackness.
Then a small pink ball bounced its way into view.
"Twilight." It spoke as it took on a Cadence's mocking tone.
"Twilight!" "Twilight!"
"Twilight?"
"Twilight." "Twilight." And then three more rolled into view. And another. And another. And another. Before she knew it, the little filly was surrounded by small specs of pink. All of them calling out to her in derisive mocking tones. "Twilight!" "Twilight!?" "Sparkle!" "Twilight!" "Ms. Sparkle?" "Twilight." "Twilight Sparkle!"
"Twilight!" "Should we just throw her outside?""Sparkle?" "Twiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiiight." "Sparkle!" "Twilight!?""Sparkle!?""Twilight Sparkle!" "Twilight Sparkle?" "Shh! Wait until the nurse wakes her up."
"Twilight? Are you feeling okay?"
"Wha?" Slowly, Twilight opened her eyes to the sight of three faces. The worried face of her mentor, a bored looking Blueblood and a relieved nurse complete with red hair and red eyes to go with a painfully white coat. With the initial drowsiness gone, Twilight slowly lifted herself up into a sitting position.
A soft bed, white walls and a closed curtain? She was in the infirmary. She hated the infirmary. "What the heck happened?" She mumbled, still trying to get a grip on her surroundings. "Am I dead?"
The nurse and Celestia shared a look of relief, while Blueblood only shook his head in disappointment. "I wish you were." He muttered. "Than I wouldn't have to listen your stupid theories all day."
"You are dismissed, nephew." Celestia stated, unamused at her nephew's lack of empathy. Blueblood started making another comment, but Celestia's glare cut it off mid-sentence. "Now."
While Blueblood made a quick escape, Celestia turned her attention back to the filly smothered in a white blanket. No signs of sickness, no fever, not a single indication of illness. She just looked worn out. "You passed out, Twilight. I don't know what came over you, but you seem to be doing much better now."
"Indeed." The nurse added, her piercing red eyes still analyzing the disorientated filly. "Do you remember what happened? Was it too hot? Too cold? Have you eaten anything?"
Twilight looked up at the mare, finding her attention to those sharp red eyes. What did happen? She could remember.....Pink. Pink everywhere.And somepony calling out her name. Who was it?
Cadence
"I remember having the worst dream ever. I remember Celestia telling us that Cadence would be our substitute teacher! Thank the stars that it's over." Twilight exclaimed, letting out a sigh of relief.
Celestia and the unamused nurse gave each another small look before returning their attention to the relieved filly. "Twilight? That wasn't a dream. That was all real."
Twilight's smile collapsed like Discord's quest of world domination. "What do you mean?"
And so the lone three headed boar of solomon rushed through the fortified gates of the cavalry's last fortress. The guards scattered like milk in a cereal bowl as the boar ripped through their ranks with ease. Bones cracked, armor crunched with ease under the massive pressure that the boars heads produced and blood was all that the guards saw.
Spears, crossbows, swords, knives, and the toilet bowl were all used as weapons, but none could slow this demon down. Ten soldiers fell, the twenty, thirty, fifty, soon there was only one stallion left to face off against his worst nightmare. He promptly fled to his mommy and vacated his bowels like a wuss!
While he ran, the boar began feasting on the remains of his fallen foes, each head taking in a mouthful of guts and-
"Do you REALLY have to tell me this stupid story while we're eating!?" Blueblood hissed, interrupting Twilight's epic tale before she could even come close to finishing it. "You're lucky auntie is such a nice pony, or we would've shipped you off to the griffons a long time ago."
Twilight took on a mock look of hurt, as Blueblood continued to pick at his salad. "Oh dear Celestia no! I've ruined Bluebutt's lunch!?" Twilight wailed in false misery, as she threw herself on the floor in an overdone display of grief. "How will I ever live with myself!? I am truly a monster among ponies."
"Shut up, you idiot! At least I'm not the one fainting over a substitute teacher." Blueblood snickered, taking before taking another mouthful of his fruit and spinach salad.
"She's a monster. You would understand if you knew her the way I do." Twilight replied, pulling herself back into her over-sized seat. "She's a soul stealing, life taking witch who wants to hang our bodies over her fire place."
Blueblood gave off a snort of annoyance, as he looked up at the mess of a filly who was digging into her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "She is the second most beautiful pony I've ever seen in my entire life. She's sweet, generous and smart. Unlike someone I know!"
"Your mom is smart! Haha! I win, you lose!" Twilight exclaimed, blowing the annoyed Blueblood a raspberry, as is tradition when a pony wishes to claim victory over another. Ah yes, another victory for the Sparkle family.
"Auuuuuuntttiiiiieeeeee! Twilight said that my mom was smart!"
"She's like a bad bowl of salad. The more you fight to free yourself of her tyranny, the more she manages to force her way into your life. " Twilight muttered, slinging her saddlebags to the ground without a hint of care. Plopping herself down on her plush carpet, she happily shoved her face into her fuzzy carpet. "Awwwwwww yeah, that's the stuff. Room sweet room."
Simple room, really. One decent sized purple bed smack right in the middle, a small brown cabinet with what few dresses and other odds and ends she might've had. A candle on the table in case she had an assignment she needed finish later on in the day, which never happened, a small closet for her toys and large window to let in a fair amount of light and air.
"You think there's a class for smooching? Is it something that you just learn on your own?" Smarty Pants inquired to no one in particular, his head hanging over the size of the bed lazily. "You think Cadence is also a teacher in smooching? Does she have a doctorate in smooching?"
Twilight wasn't listening though. There had to be some sort of angle that Cadence was working at to get at her and her brother. Something that she had to gain from establishing connections to both the guard and the princess herself. Assassin? No, if that were even a possibility, she would have to worst assassin to walk the face of the earth! No way does Shining Armor take an assassin out to dinner and not show up chopped into little bite sized pieces.
"You okay over there? I know you love your carpet but you haven't said anything for the past five minutes. The silence is deafening." Smarty Pants called, his eyes planted on the unmoving filly.
"I'm just trying to think of a motive." Twilight responded, finally picking up her head and resting on her little hoof. "She's ugly but there's no way she's a manticore. Definitely not a chimera or a cockatrice."
"Maybe she's gonna do that weird marriage thing to your dad was talking about. You know, the thing where getting married leaves your life devoid of adventure and joy." Smarty Pants pointed out, his gray hooves dramatically crushing the invisible "hopes and dreams" as though it were a invisible piece of paper.
Twilight simply waved that off as her dad being her dad. "Nah, he's still mad because mom wouldn't let him buy that eight thousand bit automated carriage. He was just being a big baby about it." Twilight Sparkle replied, images of her heartbroken dad passing through her mind. The fights had gotten so bad that mom of all people ended up sleeping on the couch for a few days while her dad mourned over the loss of "The single greatest thing he has seen in his entire life." Second to the birth of his beautiful daughter, of course.
"Twilight! Food's ready!
"Ugh. Mom's cooking." Twilight muttered, her nose scrunching up in disgust. Grumbling in annoyance, Twilight reached into her saddlebags and whipped out a single book titled Star Swirl's Guide to Mythical Creatures. A trusty handbook with every creature known to ponykind. It had a lot of pictures, so that was always a plus.
"Here." With a little flick of her hooves, she tossed the brown book into the awaiting hooves of Smarty, who looked at the thick book with uncertain eyes. "I'll go and eat and you can stay here and look for whatever species Cadance belongs to."
"Why do I have to read? I get hungry to, you know!" Smarty muttered, flipping open the book with his oversized hooves. "How am I supposed to know which one Cadance belongs to? It's not like Cadance is a species all on her own."
"Just look for something ugly and with hooves, you dork." Twilight replied, before trotting out of her room and kicking her door closed with a satisfying slam. "All I have to do is get through dinner and I can get back to exposing that evil witch."
And so the disgruntled little filly slow clip clopped her way down the stairs and into the kitchen where her mother and father sat patiently at a decently sized wooden table. On one end was her father, his golden eyes firmly glued to today's paper, never really noticing his daughter's arrival into the dining room. On the other end was her mother, whose cold blue eyes quickly went up from the plate in front of her typically moody daughter.
And then Twilight noticed something a little off.
"Hello, Twilight. How are you doing?"
"Cadence."
"Cadance came by and told us that she would taking over for Celestia." Her mother stated, the tiniest hint of a smile appearing on her as she the set her fork down with a little clink. "So we thought it might be best for all of us if she stayed over for dinner so you and her could get to know each other just a little bit better."
Cadance nodded in agreement, her purple eyes quickly locking with Twilight's. "Definitely! For the next three days, it's just going to be you and me and a whole lot of work! Isn't that great? You and Blueblood will be the first two students that I've ever had!"
