A Sacreligious Hearth's Warming

by Doctor Parker

First published

The Ponies re-discover too much of their inner foal while on several shenanigans ranging from Black Friday shopping to Hearth's Warming caroling: Hilarity ensues.

A Collection of many twisted Hearth's Warming tales:

The Hearth's Warming season is a season of many sacred holidays of many cultures, even Dalek Extermination Day. So naturally, something so sacred is just asking to be (unintentionally) peed on.

From Black Friday Shopping disasters to tree troubles to hanging up the lights to discovering too much of the inner foal to cart troubles to finding good holiday cards to explosions to Daleks, everything that can possibly go wrong for Hearth's Warming happens.

A Very Pony Thanksgiving

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Sukhbataar was typing away on his laptop while Rainbow was leaning against him out of boredom. Her head was on the counch arm, her plot touching the side of his lap, and the ankles of her hooves were on his shoulder. It was on a Saturday, nearly two weeks before Thanksgiving, and she hoped that she and Sukh would do something; make love, go for a walk, go to the cinema...anything but wait for him to finish this! To pass the time, Rainbow wanted to talk, and before she did, she suddenly had an idea:

"Sukh...would you like to have some ponies over for Thanksgiving?"

Sukhbataar almost surprised her by acknowledging her question; he shifted somewhat in his seat: "Hm?" he inquired "What about Thanksgiving?"

"Some ponies over," Rainbow explained. "Friends and family. Can we have them over?"

Sukhbataar smiled warmly. "That's a good idea, go for it." Then he went back to typing.

"Okay, I have to warn you, they're a little...odd...I mean, they're funny, really funny, they make people laugh mostly at them, but they're funny!"

Sukh didn't shift a bit, but he still spoke. "Okay, I can do with funny."

"I thought you could," Rainbow said in a tone the casual observer would have noted to be uncharacteristically silkily, before she kissed Sukhbataar on the nose. Sukh acknowledged this with a reflexive spreading of his massive wings and kissing her on the lips.

Sukhbataar was a Przewalski's Horse, a large pony somewhat taller than the average pony with orange or golden hair on his body, which was of a fluffy texture. He dwelt in a one-story, utilitarian house on the outskirts of Ponyville. Or at least, it was utilitarian, until Rainbow moved in and plastered the walls with Wonderbolt posters.

Rainbow Dash had been dating Sukhbataar for nearly a year, brought together by Scootaloo. Sukh had recently been promoted from a Hippological consultant of Equestria's air force to the ER (Equine Resources) director of the Wonderbolts. He didn't want the job that badly, but he did whatever it took to get a job to have more income to support Scootaloo, and have the funds he needed to supply her for a good University. Rainbow Dash happened to be training for the Wonderbolts at the time, and one day, Sukh brought his daughter to work for "take-your-daughter-to-work" day, and when Rainbow, who know Scootaloo, saw Scoots at the Wonderbolts training facility, Scootaloo introduced Rainbow Dash to her father, Sukhbataar, and it was then they met. Sukhbataar was no Wonderbolt, but he struck Rainbow as an accomplished individual and a decent stallion. Rainbow had to admit that since Sukh was nearly a decade older than her, perhaps he played the role of the father she hardly knew. Regardless, when she moved in, she found Sukh strong and durable, ideal for her hyperactivity. He was quiet, and when he wasn't working, he was a rather good listener.

And so they made their plans and invited some ponies over by means of a clumsy and unpredictable mailmare who seemed to run exclusively on muffins as a fuel source.

As per always Sukhbataar stressed himself out too much when preparing for the guests. Dashie thought it was funny to watch. "Oh my giddy Aunt!" he'd sometimes shout. He did most of the cooking while Rainbow was watching sports on television, however, this didn't bother him: Quite the contrary, he found her swishing of her multi-colored tail almost arousing. Besides, last time she cooked something, they had to call the fire department.

Eventually, the doorbell rang, and Scootaloo rushed to get it with happy skipping, hoping it was somebody cool. However, after the door opened, the jumping stopped.

Scootaloo stood still, gazing stupidly at a short little pegasus who stood in the doorway. His scruffy, hairy coat was grey, and his mane was pitch-black with some hints of silver.

"Why, hello!" he said warmly.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor!"

Scootaloo was visibly confused. "Doctor Who?"

"Exactly!" he replied cryptically.

Sukh came there and uncomfortably but warmly shook his wing. He then snuck a whisper to Rainbow: "Did you invite him?" Rainbow shrugged.

"Am I early?" this "Doctor" asked.

"Yes...three hours early...It starts at five; you came at two o'clock." Sukh said in surprise. "Actually, I don't know about you, but I think you're in the wrong pla-"

"Oh splendid, splendid!" the Doctor cut off. "Of course, I should remember that I'm not early...everyone else is simply late." The Doctor then made himself comfortable on the couches.

Sukh simply shook his head, and sit right next to him. "What's on the telly?" the Doctor asked.

"Football" Sukh said simply.

The Doctor then leaned forward and squinted, like a near-sighted man getting a better look. "Now that can't be right."

"What can't?"

"It's called football...but it's not football, it's a egg-shaped thing they carry in their hooves...it should be called 'hoof-egg' or something."

"Are you from Trottingham?"

"Make that 'Gallifrey' and you'll be in the ball park, as they say!"

"Heheheheh, right...." Sukh rose up and went to the kitchen before the conversation could actually get awkward. Meanwhile, the Doctor began to play a patriotic tune on his tin, stiped recorder.

Roughly an hour later, the doorbell rang again, and Scootaloo hopped happily to the door, hoping it was somebody she knew. Of course, it was, but nobody awesome.

"Ah, it's nothin', just ol' Twilight Sparkle," she said glumly.

Sukhabataar roared "Scootaloo! Apologize to Twilight!"

"It's okay," Twilight chuckled. Twilight then hugged Rainbow Dash, her long-time friend. "And who is this gentlecolt?" she asked.

"Him? He's Sukhbataar."

Twilight was initially dismissive in air, presumably assuming him to be an Equestrian Naval Aviator. "And what do you do for a living?" she asked.

"Me? Well, I just became the Director of Equestrian Resources, but I used to be a Hippological consultant."

Twilight suddenly lit up inwardly: A scientist! she realized. "What did you do?"

Sukh replied "Oh, me? I just warned the ponies I worked with that whatever they were doing would probably upset the locals" he ended with a chuckle.

Twilight suddenly seemed to have shown that awful gleam in her eyes that shined when she wanted something, specifically a stallion. Rainbow remembered that look when Twilight was around her adopted brother ("we're not biologically related!" she insisted).

Rainbow now wanted to stay close to Sukhbataar at all times, because she knew what sorts of things would happen if Twilight wanted a stallion, so it was stressful when she heard another sound.

"Yeeee-haw! Howdy Rainbow Dash!"

"Hey AJ" Rainbow said listlessly, "how are things?"

The question felt like a forced courtesy to Applejack: "Ya know Sugarcube, you sound upset, is somethin' the matter?"

"No!" Rainbow lied, suddenly perking up.

"Rainbow, if you think you are any danger of losing Sukhbataar, you're either absolutely wrong or he isn't worth it to begin with."

"Yeah, I know, except Twilight wants him bad, and well, you know how she is when she wants something..." Twilight Sparkle, being the student of Celestia, was a very privileged mare who had a tendency to get what she asked for by automatically confiscating it in the name of the Sun Princess...well, that, or use mind control.

Applejack knew this full-well and chuckled. "Oh, well, in that case, you're screwed!"

That was the least reassuring "comfort" that Rainbow ever heard in her entire life.

Sukh, not hearing all of this, shook his head and sighed, thinking, is everybody going to come early like this? They're supposed to come at five, but one came at two, and two others at three.

Scootaloo, on the other hand, was in a far better mood than Rainbow or Sukh were in, because she saw her friend...

"...Apple Bloom!" she shouted! She ran up and hugged Apple Bloom really quick.

For the remaining hour, Sukh avoided the main groups, cooking for them in the kitchen. At the present moment, he put some potatoes in the slow-cooker so that they would be easier to mash. He was happier this way: He wasn't used to having too many ponies in the house, and he wanted to distance himself from them. It was nice, until the doors burst open thanks to one pony in particular:

"The party don't start 'till I come in!" a grating voice shouted. Rainbow, however, had no problem with that voice in particular.

"Pinkie Pie!" she shouted happily as she went to embrace her best friend. "Hi Rainbow!" Pinkie squealed. "Cousin Felix couldn't make it, so I came instead."

Twilight, seeing an opportunity, tried to get closer to Sukh, and asked a question: "So, tell me about your family?"

"Well, actually...Rainbow and Scootaloo are my family."

Then the door was flung open, but the door-flinger stood casually and stoically. Sukh turned around and seemed relieved at the sight: "Why, Spitfire!" Of course, in reality, seeing his employer there made him want to take another swig of Applejack Daniel's.

"What?" asked Twilight, still insistent that Sukh explain more about his family.

Sukh turned around and got a little awkward. "Um, heheh, yeah, my parents divorced, and my mother committed suicide, my father disowned me, my older brother went back to Przewalskia, my wife also died against cancer...I don't really have any more family than I need" he said, nudging his head to the living room, in which Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were.

Pinkie Pie, however, observed this but didn't get the hint.

"Aw, don't worry Sukhie-pooh! We'll get you a new family! I shall be your mother, and your father, and your uncle, and your aunt, and your grandmother, and your grandfather, and your daughter, and your son, and your niece, and your nephew, and your cousin, and your wife, and your mistress!"

"Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah Pinkie!" Rainbow cut in. "Position of Mistress #1 is already taken!"

"Oh, okay...." Pinke said, seemingly disappointed.

"Rainbow!" Sukh shouted, fearing that this would cost him his job.

"What's wrong Sukh?" Spitfire asked.

"Well, it's that, I'm kind of the Director of Equine Resources."

"So?" Spitfire inquired.

"Isn't it inappropriate to be in relations to somebody you have some authority over?"

Spitfire shook her head and took a swig of hard liquor like she thought nothing of it: "Not at all; how else do you think Soarin' got a job?"

Sukh took a while to process this and came to an accurate conclusion: "You're corrupt."

Spitfire only smiled warmly and embraced him. "Why, thank you homie!"

Then suddenly, Pinkie's face brightened; "...is Mistress #2 a go then?"

Rainbow couldn't stand it anymore."Pinkie!"


"He's mine!!"

"Can't you share?"


"Ohh, I get it! You're thinking I'm attracted to him! Tee-hee-hee-hee! No silly! I like Discord! I'm just willing to do whatever it takes to give Sukhie-kins a family! You don't have to worry about me! You just need to worry about Twilight and her lusty ways!"

Rainbow Dash looked more sorrowful; "Tell me Pinkie, what do I do?"

Pinkie saw the face and decided that it was time to help her best friend. "Gosh Dashie, you sound sad!"

"You think?"

"You should know about this wonderful game called BDSM! It will increase your intimacy! Cousin Felix will tell you all about it when he's done metamorphosing!"

"BDSM?" Rainbow asked.


BDSM is a funerific game, even with the ouchies!
Smack that filly with the cane, they certainly won't be grouchies!
You tie that colt up with some rope, and then pour on the wax!
If he squeals out from the red ball gag, then give that flank some smacks!"

"Ah, Pinkie? This doesn't sound safe..."

"Nonsense Dashie, can't you see? It's as safe as safe can be!
That's why you have a special word, or maybe even three!
When you've got that big whip out, and you're having fun,
Don't let up and make him bleed, because it's just begun!"

"I still don't know what it is-"

"B stands for Bondage, with ropes and ties and chains!
D stands for Discipline, because with pain there's gains!
S stands for sadopony, and you'll be having fun!"
M stands for masochpony, with a big plug up your bu-"

"Pinkie! That's... I mean-"

"Oh don't you worry Dashie, I've had a lot of time,
I know it's scary at the start, but soon it'll be all fine!
So take this whip and latex suit, I know you'll use it well.
And tie that stallion to your bed, and then you'll be all swell!"

"... Why am I friends with you again?"

Rarity, and Fluttershy, who arrived exactly on time, also arrived exactly on time to hear the song. They were shocked.

Sukhbataar heard the song as well, and decided to let the turkey out early: "The turkey is done!" he shouted.

Applejack inspected it for a moment: "No it ain't."

"It's done enough for me."

AJ shrugged and walked back to talk with Twilight and conspire with her best friend on how to fulfill her latest ambition. Sukh decided now was time to pray as a family.

"Our mother Galaxia..." then a sickening crack could be heard from the turkey.

"Ah told ya it wasn't done enough" Applejack complained.

Then, from the turkey, a horrible monster emerged! It had nasty teeth and an elongated body.

All gasped and felt nauseous...save for one...

"Cousin Felix!" squealed Pinkie Pie.

"THAT'S 'Cousin Felix'? What is he?" Rainbow asked quickly and insistently.

"Well, he's in the Chestburster stage now, but apparently, he's going to be the first-ever Turkeymorph!"

"Okay, that does it, everybody out!" Sukh roared.

Few objected to this, except one: "Bu-bu-bu-but-"

"Yes, you too Pinkie!"

Pinkie then burst her head from behind the door: "Remember what I said RD!!"

"What did you say?"

Pinkie began to sing again: "BDSM!!-"

And then the door was slammed shut.

"Is it always like this when there is family over?"

"Usually it's worse."

"You know Rainbow Dash, it makes me realize something about family.


"It makes me realize how thankful I am that I'm basically an orphan."

Rainbow chuckled at this. "Yeah, I can see how you feel that way."

"Yes, well, actually, I have you and Scootaloo...and that's quite enough."

Rainbow closed her eyes and smiled. "You know Twilight likes you, right?"

"Hm, Twilight's nice, but she's got a problem."

"What's that?"

"She's not you."

Rainbow went red after hearing these words, but then kissed Sukh on the lips again. However, they both felt something on their hooves, and they looked down...
...Standing between them both was Cousin Felix, the Turkeymorph.


After that was hours of a seemingly endless wild goose chase mainly revolving around trying to get Felix out of the house with a broom handle.

After Thanksgiving: Part 1.

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The day of Thanksgiving came to an end. Scootaloo bid goodbye to all the guests of her father's house, and now her father, Sukhbataar, had to go through the long, and painstaking project of having to put away all of the food and then clean all the dishes, but luckily, he had Rainbow Dash now practically living with him to help him; it didn't make it much faster, but he was now less lonely than he used to be every Thanksgiving evening. It was nice, just the two of them to be together for an hour and a half...

....but he knew it wouldn't last.

This was the start of the Hearth's Warming season, and all would eventually plunge into chaos. Sure Rainbow would be by his side the entire time, but he would be under constant stress.


As was often the case, Rainbow stopped by Sukhbataar's place at 9:00 in the morning as part of her jogging route; the two were now inseparable (it was often remarked that Rainbow was like Sukhbataar's growth on his foreleg when they were together), and it seemed as though Sukh would never really get Rainbow out of the way very long. He knew he would have to marry her so that their arguments would be far more practical, since arguing with someone who almost lives with you but sleeps far away is very inconvenient indeed. Rainbow and Sukh dearly loved each other, which was, as love often is, very pleasant, but sometimes a real pain in the plot for the two of them.

Rainbow then crashed on Sukhbataar's couch without even asking, as many Ponies did, since Sukh tended to lack the guts to raise his voice or raise a complaint or anything of the kind, and then curled up into a sleepy little ball. With a big yawn, she said, "Good morning Honey." That was not how Rainbow addressed most Ponies and Sukh knew it well. Rainbow, who had barged in the house without even knocking, was resting her head on Sukh's lap, which Sukh admitted to himself he didn't dislike at all. "I would rather spend my morning here with you than at some shop" Rainbow added.

Sukh was somewhat touched by this: "I would do the same for you too, Darling." And then he kissed her forehead.

However, Sukh was more surprised than he probably should have been when Rainbow remarked: "But not because you're special or anything."

"Huh? What?"

She went on, eyes shut and mouth smiling: "No offense, but you're a big wussy. I mean, of all the tragically flawed Ponies I know, you're one of the least tragically flawed. But you're still tragically flawed."


"If it makes you feel better, everypony I know besides me is tragically flawed too!"

"Really?" Sukh asked, vaguely comforted.

"Really really! As I was saying, I would rather spend the morning here with you, because you see, Black Friday sucks."

Oh right! How could Sukhbataar possibly have forgotten Black Friday? It must have been on all the commercials for the football game! But then again, he didn't like football much anyway; he mostly turned it on because Rainbow Dash liked it, and Rainbow turned him on. He spent most of the time looking at Rainbow Dash instead of the television screen, such as her glorious, thick, Rainbow-colored mane, her chubby cheeks, her small smile, her amethyst eyes, her shapely hind legs and torso...yeah, Sukh never really did pay much attention to the television.

Scootaloo peeked her head around the corner of the living room entrance, and wondered what exactly was going on between Rainbow Dash and her father. It was through Scootaloo that the two met, and though the intimacy grew quite slowly between the two, the spark between them was rather swift. Scootaloo knew that they loved each other, but she wondered if it was the "Friendship is Magic" love or the "I want to make your babies" love. It was of course the latter between both Rainbow and Sukh, but Rainbow still suffered from fear of commitment and all the prices that came with it, a major gender-role reversal on top of the fact that Rainbow was also the first to ask Sukhbataar out.

Needless, to say, Sukhbataar found himself in an increasingly raw deal, and also equally needless to say, he was well aware of it and yet also rather enjoyed it the entire time.

Through all this reminiscing of Sukhbataar's he almost ceased to listen to what else Rainbow has to say, but he was considerate and thus gave a heading ear to the rest of her story: "I went a couple years ago; it was me, Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie. Rarity and Twilight Sparkle woke me up with air horns...in five in the morning...."


Two years ago:

"Alright my little Ponies, we have precisely three hours to commence our plans, and from consulting this book, I have determined a course through which we must hastily make our selections before they are all purchased by any other pony; any questions?"

Rainbow Dash raised her hoof.

"Yes Rainbow?"

"Can I go back to bed?"


"Not as unbelievable or Grinchy as waking me up in the middle of the night."


Twilight Sparkle put a hoof on Rarity's shoulder. "I got this Rarity. Rainbow Dash, you can only come if you want to, but remember, that if you don't, you are denying yourself a vital Hearth's Warming tradition."

Rainbow Dash looked poutily at the ground: "Oh, all right" she said with a heavy sigh.

Twilight then pointed to her chart: "We each can spend only 30 minutes at each of these stops before 8:00 comes-"

"Which will be when everypony else is awake..." Applejack grumbled.

Rarity saw something wrong with Twilight's chart: "Darling, are these all bookstores?"

"Nope! Some of them are libraries too!"

"Darling, many of the Libraries will be closed on Friday."

"Well that will give us about 45 minutes at each stay!"

"Darling...Ponies want other gifts than books."

"They do?"

"Well, yes; allow me to change the course a bit darling." After Rarity had a field day with Twilight's white board and her squeaky dry erase marker, she made many more lines of a far more elaborate route before she shouted: "Ta-da!! What do you think?"

The mass of lines and squiggles was hard to make out, and Pinkie Pie flatly admitted: "I don't get it."

Applejack decided to step up to the game: "Allow me, Sugarcube."

Applejack then made a few small changes to the image on the Whiteboard, which was enough to now make the image resemble Rarity's face. Then she added the cherry on top to the image by adding a pointing arrow and the caption "stickhead" on the whiteboard. "Any questions y'all?"

"Ooh! It makes so much more sense now!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Rarity rolled her fabulous eyes and went back to explaining: "We shall divide ourselves into three pairs, me and Rainbow Dash so I can teach her some manners" she added glaring at Rainbow Dash, who was already asleep again. "Applejack will stay with Pinkie Pie so that she won't have to put up with any 'Stick Heads' during the trip, and so Twilight will guide Fluttershy. Any questions now?"

"Yeah, can I go with Rarity?"

All heads turned to Spike.

Twilight knew perfectly well why Spike wanted to go with Rarity: "Spike you are absolutely not-"

"-Going to leave me all to my lonesome! Of course you can come my Spikey-Wikey!" Rarity finished.

Twilight was on good terms with Rarity, but she didn't trust her at all.

"It's absolutely settled!" Rarity declared.

"No it ain't Sugarcube; I got a concession stand to run, and I can't go shopping with Pinkie Pie."

"What will you sell, Applejack?" Twilight asked.

"Apples, Apple pie, Apple sauce, Apple juice, Apple cider, Apple-"

Rarity cut her off: "Fair enough; I shall bring the little angelic dragon with me and also that Philistine that is sleeping on the job" she venomously stared at Rainbow Dash as she spoke. "Twilight and Fluttershy shall be a pair, Pinkie Pie will shop alone, and Applejack will run her predictable concession stand!"

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Spike managed small, tired smiles, but Twilight and Fluttershy couldn't for they had bad feelings about this...


Applejack settled herself in the concession stand and waited for customers; she observed nopony was there yet, but at least she could assume that her friends would have no troubles with crouds...right?


"Okay Fluttershy, where do we go first?"

"Um," Fluttershy began, "I was really hoping to go to the pet store...I...promised Angel Bunny to get him a Christmas present."

"Don't you always, Fluttershy?"

"Well, it's complicated."

"Try me!"

With a sigh, Fluttershy began: "Oh, well...okay...um...Angel made me promise."

"He made you promise?"

"Yes...at gunpoint."

Twilight was utterly flabbergasted at this.

"Fluttershy...you can't let him do that?"

"Oh Twilight, he's not as bad as he sounds, he's just slightly maladjusted."


"But...oh, I knew you wouldn't understand!"

"I understand perfectly well Fluttershy! What he needs for Christmas is a slug in his brain!!! Let's go to the Ammunition store! They've got lots of great stuff there! Bet Angel would like it all in his gut!"

Fluttershy could only say: "Umm...yay?"


Rainbow Dash could not bring herself to share the same enthusiasm that Rarity and Spike seemed to express.

They took the first stop which was, in fact, at a bookstore, with hopes of buying presents for Twilight Sparkle.

But small problem: Early as they went, many other equally desparate shoppers had the exact same idea.

Rarity's cry pierced the air: "OH COME ON!!!!"


Pinkie happily cartwheeled towards a used clothing department store...where one would get only a mild taste of the chaos that would ensue...

After Thanksgiving: Part 2

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Rarity had to begin by navigating numerous tents, all placed around the stores, obstructing the parking lot. Spike noticed that a lot of the tent were inhabited by Daleks: "ALL SHOP-PING COM-PE-TI-TION SHALL BE EX-TERRR-MIN-A-TED!!" Spike felt chills up his spine hearing that remark. Rarity's determination was enhanced from hearing this...

...and Rainbow Dash was too tired to be of any use.

They found themselves waiting in an endless line for the bookstore that began near the end of the parking lot. It had sentient life forms of all origins, Ponies, Zebras, Donkeys, Buffalo, Daleks, Diamond Dogs, Dragons, Cyberponies, Changelings, Sontarans, Silurians, Griffins, Zygons, Onagers, Przewalski's Horses, Arabian Horses, and Tarpans.

"What are they all waiting for?" Rainbow Dash asked.

A Cyberpony turned around and faced Rainbow Dash intensely: "We are. Waiting. For the new. Daring Doo. Book."

A sound of a brief, high choir, played in the back of Rainbow's head..."Daring...Doo?"

"That is. Correct."

Rainbow Dash was suddenly awake and aroused: "Omygosh Omygosh Omygosh!!" she squealed.

Needless to say, the line was then "Deleted" as the Cyberpony would put it.

And so the fight began.

"What do we do now Rarity?" Spike squealed.

Then a tall stallion with a short, dark mane, black leather jacket, Northern accent, and large ears replied: "The only thing you can do Spike: Run for your life!"

Rarity then bore upon her back as she retreated so a department store, preventing Spike from knowing who the stallion with the big ears was and why he knew Spike's name.


Pinkie Pie began her trip by looking for old Hearth's Warming ornaments. She found a basket of gold balls, and a basket of red balls, and she couldn't decide which was better for her tree! So she decided to test them. She dropped the red ball, and it bounced right back up to her hoof! Perfect! Then she dropped the gold ball, and it broke on the floor. Excellent! And because she liked how it shattered, she decided to take another gold ball, and dropped on the floor again. Once again, it shattered. How fun!! It made her smile broadly. She bounced away happily, only to leave store clerks investigate much later, wondering why were there broken ornaments on the floor.

Then Pinkie Pie had obtained many clothes that (she thought) matched, starting with a large set of checkered pants, blue work shirt, polka-dotted bow tie, brown cumberband, and a huge tuxedo jacket with ankle-boots and a mottled black-and-silver Beatles wig; then she got a brown fedora, old-fashioned dress shirt, brown curly wig, multi-colored waistcoat, grey pants, and a red velvet jacket with a scarf of many clashing colors that was long enough to be likely sown for a giraffe; then she acquired a cricket uniform with red highlights, a white sweater, and red-striped pants, and one look told Pinkie that a vegetable was required for the lapel; after that, a pale waistcoat and a dark green frock coat with a curly, chesnut wig and a large, floppy, grey tie; then an old-fashioned military-style black leather jacket, black pants, green shirt, and combat boots; then a pintriped brown n' blue suit with white trainers and red tie; and then a brown tweed jacket with grey pants, a red bow tie, and matching fez. She could be a fanshionista like Rarity! Her friends would be so happy with her!

But then a rabid frugal-living mare who was a mother of six foals saw all those clothes that Pinkie Pie got and said one syllable: "MINE!!!"

Pinkie then ran for her life jumping right over the store-counters and the cash registers without even paying a dime, and thus setting off all the alarms: "I PROMISE I'LL PAY FOR THEM LATER!!!" Pinkie screamed. She dashed off to an alley, hoping to find a hiding place for her booty. Then she found just the thing: a large blue box. Without even looking at the interior, she threw all the clothes inside the box, where she hoped no mare or stallion or cyborg beast would ever think to look.

Then she bounced to the Mare and her foals to distract them away from the police box, but she didn't notice the hobbling old stallion going to the police box. He opened the door, revealing a far bigger chamber...it was much bigger on the inside. And then he bent down, and saw a pile of tacky clothes...

"...Who left all these rubbish clothes here! Oh...but bow ties are cool..." he added, beginning to try one on.


Rainbow Dash had fought her way all the way to the front of the line, and there they were, A. K. Yearling and co-author Twilight Velvet, signing copies of the Daring Doo books together. Right in front of Rainbow Dash was a tall, thin stallion wearing a brown and blue pinstripe suit and white trainers. "'Allo 'allo 'allo! You're the great authors of this equally great book, aren't ya! I love all your work! You're the bestiest best of the bestest!!" "Well...yes..." Ms. Yearling admitted.

"A book signing??!!??" Rainbow shrieked. No wonder there were so many creatures outside of the bookstore! How could I have not known!!"

The tall stallion turned his head around and gazed intensely at the mare.

Rainbow looked back, and asked "what?"

"How could somepony so fair...be the cause of so much pain?" he said, giving Rainbow a gentle caress. "One so young..." there was pain in his eyes, like he was looking at the catalyst of disaster.

And this music played in the background:


"Doctor..." the Zony companion of the Doctor said. "Cuh-reeeeeepyyyyyyy..."

"Oh, right! Sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I was just admiring the very catalyst of the Last Great Time War. Yeah, yer pretty brilliant, aren't ya?"

Rainbow only nervously backed away from the Doctor. "Who...who are you?"

"Me, oh, sorry, I'm the Doctor!"

"Doctor who?"

"You know Heartha, why does everypony ask me that bloody question?"

"Um, Doctor...line?"

He looked back, and there in fact, was a massive line behind him.

"Oh oh oh oh yes yes yes yes line! Weeellllllllllll, great ta see ya A.K. 47!"

"Yearling" she corrected.

"Whateveh! And you too miss Velvet!"


Rarity and Spike made their way inside a large department store full of avante-guarde clothes. Spike could only muster a small "wow".

Rarity then barked: "Well?! What are you waiting for Spike?!! Get going!!!"

"Bu-but get going...for what?

"Why, fabulous shopping of course!!!" And with that, Rarity plucked a dress from a nearby rack. "Ta-da! Oh, this would make a lovely dress for me!! And this one! Oh, Fluttershy, would love this! But not as much as me! Oh-ho-ho-ho!! And Pinkie would die for this thing! But again, she won't appreciate as much as me! And Twilight would look smashing in this! But not as smashing I would loot in it-"

"YOU WILL GIVE THE DRES-SES BACK TO THE DAAAA-LEKS!!" Rarity made a mistake: She mistook a Dalek for a rack.

But would she agree to such terms?

Nope. "Surrender the dress? Never!" Rarity spat.

"HAVE IT YOUR WAY...EX-TEEER-MIN-ATE!!!" and then an eletron blast emanated from the left appendage of the Dalek, but Rarity dodged it and so did Spike. However, it hit a passing mime.








Rarity siezed this opportunity to leap over the carcass, with Spike in tow, but not without gaining some attention from the Daleks: "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!" Rarity and Spike were able to leap and bound away from the blasts, but many ponies were shot and killed in the process. Spike suddenly realized this and stood still suddenly, beginning to cry, yet Rarity was utterly unfazed. She instead built a barricade out of the bodies. Spike asked, "Rarity...isn't that...isn't that...disrespectful?"

"Shopping is Hell." Rarity said simply. She then emanated blasts from her horn, and Spike soon heard, "MY VI-SION IS IM-PAIRED, I CAN-NOT SEE!!!"

Spike peeked, and saw the flurry of rays from the Daleks and Rarity, and then he noticed a stray shot of Rarity's hit an elderly mare, who collapsed, dead-weight. "RARITY!!! YOU MURDERED HER!!"

"Who, dear?"

"That Granny!!"

"Oh, that straggler. You see Dearie, first of all, that was not murder, that was mare-slaughter, a casualty, collateral damage. Secondly, Life is cruel; should shopping be any different?"

"Rarity, this isn't shopping, this is a massacre!!"

Rarity chuckled, and said with a disturbingly cheery voice "Oh Spike, they are the same thing- Oh, Bull's Eye!"


The most distressing thing was that the cashier did nothing, except for rest her head on her hoof, and slowly chew bubblegum, as if indoor combat were to be expected. Spike observed this and realized something: "Rarity, this has happened before, hasn't it?"

"Oh, of course not Darling! Last year, I butchered Zygons!!"


Twilight was making herself busy in the gun shop, and so Fluttershy just shied away in a corner where she would not be seen. She felt nervous to be surrounded by all those firearms, and there was Twilight, ordering guns, and getting increasing panicky at how they just weren't oh-so-perfect as she hoped. But then Twilight made a VERY sweet deal.

"So Fluttershy, do you know how to use a bazooka?"


Spike couldn't leave the store without tripping over a corpse, or stepping in a puddle of blood. It was gruesome. Rarity was not perturbed, however, happily went to the cash register, and trotted out the door to pass by two of the few survivors of a typical Black Friday massacre.

"هل يجوز حمل الحقائب الخاصة بك لك؟" a young stallion asked Rarity with a courteous, friendly, and gentle voice.

"No, you're not allowed to blow the store up!" Rarity yelled. The stallion looked dumbfounded at this. Spike, desparate to win the heart of his marshmallow, joined in: "Yeah, uhhh... back off and um, don't, well, blow the building up, heh-heh" he finished uncomfortably when the Arabian horse began to scowl at him. But his compatriot, also an Arabian Horse, and capable of speaking Equestrian, only chortled: "Happy Holidays you two! I wish we met at better circumstances!"

Spike went "Wut."


In the Window Sill

View Online

Applejack was increasingly depressed about not having any customers. They were all in the indoor and outlet malls, nobody was interested in her Apple stand, which was a shame: She prepared Apple Pie, Apple fritters, Apple cake, Apple perfume, and even an Apple aphrodesiac. Then one guy who was collecting the garbage to make up for a lost Thanksgiving found himself rammed by what felt like a freight train: POW! Applejack, who pounced on him, desperate to keep a potential customer, proceeded to hog-tie him and then drag him to her stand. "Well howdy-do there Sugarcube! So glad I could bring a willin' customer! Now how would ya like some Apple pie? Well, stand up n' say somethin'!"

Unfortunately, tied and gagged, this "customer" could neither rise nor explain to Applejack why exactly he cannot rise and why he was not necessarily intent on being a customer.

"Aw, yer so happy yer just speechless, ain't ya?"

Now this garbage-stallion wore an expression that said just the opposite, but Applejack, having sat outside for hours with high hopes, was far too delirious to see this.


"Okay Flutters, I've got it all covered! I'll teach you how to use this-" Twilight stopped cold when Fluttershy was not there to hear her out "-bazooka" Twilight added with a heavy heart.

Having lost track of Fluttershy, Twilight went into one of her incredible panics, which resulted in a sort of pyschotic shopping spree: "Oh dear, I don't want to be late! Oh, Rainbow Dash would like that! Pinkie's gonna die for this!" By the time she went to a

Pinkie Pie, evading angry store managers and mothers, decided to stop at the toy store, for the Cake twins, herself, Spike, herself, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and herself. Now one of the most special things about the Hearth's Warming Season is that it's the season in which you meet many friends, and as such, she also met friends of her own!

"Lyra! Bon-Bon!"

Lyra and Bon-Bon were in the middle of a long line, but Lyra bounced right out of it to greet her friend Pinkie Pie (much to Bon-Bon's chagrin).

"Pinkie-Doodles!" shouted Lyra, and then the two embraced intensely. "Bon-Bon and I are Christmas shopping!"

"What shopping?" asked Pinkie.

"Christmas! It's the human holiday in My Little Human: Friendship is Bullshit. It's hilarious! It's history is so funny and convoluted! Okay, so it was to ensure old Pagan Gods would keep the year from always being like the Solstice, kapiche? Then, since it was hard to get those darned Pagans from celebrating that Holiday, guess what? They Christianized it...even though Jesus, their Celestia figure, was almost literally born on the opposite end of the year!"

"Ugh, Lyra, don't-" but Bon-Bon was cut off by Lyra's enthusiasm.

"Then, you know what happens? There's lots of Church services that come before, you see, but a huge feast afterwards, you following me so far? Then..." she began to chuckle "they removed all the services before hand because they thought they were boring, so they skip right to the feast!" Pinkie giggled at this.

"It gets even funnier! Then, loosely based off of Odin, there's this Father Christmas guy, and he's really popular in England, the land with the humans with the really bad-looking teeth, in-your-face dispositions and a morbid sense of humor. And there is this other guy, St. Nicholas, who was a guy who gave cash to poor brides and poor grooms to ensure they have to resources to provide for families, but somehow, he got associated with children and next thing you know, he's part of Christmas. But get a load of this: In America, the land with all the fat humans in it, who have a higher standard of living and more privileges than most but always complain about their country anyway, the two get fused into a character called...mmmhfff! Ghhft!" (Lyra was now stifling giggles) "...Santa Claus!"

Then Pinkie burst out laughing, and Lyra laughed with her.

Then wiping tears from her eyes, Lyra went on: "Then, you know what happens next? Humans start looking at Jesus and say he is 'offensive', so they make him harder to show on Christmas in the media."

"What?! Why?"

"Oh, they make up lots of reasons, but the writers imply it's because the humans don't like him because he's too 'mainstream';humans are so shallow, and looking for deep reasons behind their actions is really reading too deeply into them. I mean, disliking a few of followers of Jesus, I totally understand, Jesus got himself some fanboys, but in the case of Jesus himself, he was really a great guy, at least, I gather that from what is shown."

Pinkie just stared at Lyra remarkably blankly for a Pinkie stare: "MLH is not a happy show, is it?"

"No, it's a funny show! There's a difference! ...Oh, and by the way, I don't care what the writers want us to think, I think the name 'Mittens' would suit Mitt Romney better."

Then something caught Pinkie's Eye: A toy Nativity display, with the little baby Celestia and her parents, Tau Sunflare and Orbash. Now Pinkie couldn't resist a chance to play, so she bounced all the way to the Nativity set and began to pretend by means of the little toys.


"Moo!" the cow went! "Shh!" scolded Orbash!"

"He-haw! Hee-Haw! Hee"


"Hey!" I want to join!!" whined Lyra.

"Why sure Lyra! Join up!" grinned Pinkie Pie. Bon-Bon facehoofed.



Sheep were everywhere! There were so many sheep! It began to reek. Luckily, the sheepdog was there to keep them under control, and to make matters better, a shepherd arrived. Then a major anacronism occurred: A large truck came by to collect the sheep. All except one, who was utterly forgotten by mistake.

The lamb, thought it would live long and miserably, all alone on the pasture.

But it thought wrong.

It's life would be a rather swift one.

A Dalek approached the scene, Blast Gun in hand...well...if it had hands, that is. Anyway, Dalek comes in, shouts "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!", electric blast kills the lamb, and the Dalek turns away chortling.

Then, Fluttershy went back to the realm of make-believe and continued to play: She imagined it's head peering through the stable, a Tyrannosaur eyed the Little Baby Celestia rather hungrily; perhaps she would taste good fried and wrapped in a bready substance, and then dipped in Barbecue sauce. Orbash was swift to warn the Virgin Tau Sunflare about Celestia's potential demise. Tau slowly examined the Tyrannosaur, and gasped as one would when something fairly shocking, but not too shocking, occurred. But as the Tyrannosaur bent over to eat the little baby Celestia, the sound of tank treads came in.


The Real world

Lyra began to sing her favorite MLH musical number:

"Deutchland, Deutchland,
Uber Alles,
Uber Alles in de Vorld!"

The Nazis attempted to save the Baby Celestia by rapid firing their artillery shells at the Tyrannosaur, but to no avail! Luckily, who should come along but the Daleks!


With shots from their blast guns, the Daleks eliminated the dinosaur.

Then, to defend the Baby Celestia, a Dalek approached once more: "EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!" Several electric blasts emanated from it's blast gun, and with that, the Tyrannosaur was dead! But the Dalek was not satisfied with the demise of the dinosaur: It then trained its gun on the little baby Celestia: "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!"

But then a voice piped up: "No! The Dalek can't exterminate her! Don't worry little baby Celestia, I shall save you with my helicopter!"

All were surprised to see that the voice was none other than Octavia's.

Then Octavia brought a magnet attached to a helicopter, and made would helicopter sounds. The magnet lifted the metallic baby Celestia, and so the helicoptor managed to bring Celestia to safety. Then Octavia placed the Baby Celestia where she deserved to be: In a crib, in a very nice (doll)house. Then she put Tau Sunflare and Orbash in the house as well...and right after that, the sound of a clearing throat echoed and a toy policemare was put in the house. Octavia looked up and saw that a clerk, looking down on her with a scowl (and probably the one who placed the policemare there), was also holding her bags, which apparently had things meant for younger cousins of hers.

It was not long after that when Twilight came with a heavy heart, in utter certainty that she had failed to get good presents for her friends.


After they had their laughs, and Applejack was sure the garbage stallion was no longer threatening lawsuits, they all treated themselves to a human-drawn sleigh: "On Olga! On Thomas!"

"Hey, my dad's human is named Olga!" Scootaloo shouted.

"Really? I didn't know you had a human...or a Dad.." Rainbow Dash replied.

"Well...he's not my dad...exactly..."

"What? You're adopted?"

"No, well...you see, he was my mom's last coltfriend...before she, well..."

"So he took her place?"


It occurred to Rainbow that perhaps a stallion who would gratefully and lovingly take up some other stallion's foal when no other pony stood up to claim her, a foal that must have stirred a bit of jealousy for being a reminder he wasn't the first, must have been a very nice and loyal stallion indeed.


And that day was what led up to Rainbow's first meeting with Sukhbataar. She first met him many weeks after that Black Friday...almost the following year in fact, but it was that day that made the match possible. Though Rainbow found the human, Olga, quite fascinating, she had to admit that Sukhbataar had a few merits of his own, and that observation was the beginning of their extremely unromantic romance.

After hearing Rainbow finish her story, Sukhbataar gently caressed her ear, in realization for the significance of the whole thing; the ear twitched in a wiggly way in response to the sensation. He chuckled; it was one out of many adorable things regarding Rainbow Dash. Then he heard a small voice ask him something, but in a voice too quiet to hear.

"What did you say, Scootaloo?"

"I said, um, well..."

Sukh's gaze was meant to be piercing, but he failed at this with his cutie-pie face and he made a puppy-dog face instead. Scootaloo felt compelled to tell him out of pity of his epic and utter failure to make a scowl.

"Do you...love each other?"

Sukh knew what she meant, and he answered quite simply: "Yes."

Scootaloo was a little perturbed at this, and then she asked another awkward question: "Daddy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Will you to, um, well...get mar-mar-"


Then Rainbow, still wide awake, but her eyes still closed simply said "sure, why not?"


"I mean, we argue a lot, and I abuse you a lot, and it's very hard to conveniently argue and abuse without being married."

"Aw, I wouldn't say you abuse me much."

"You're a tolerant wimp. Anyway, I think you're sweet, and I don't want to argue with anypony else but you; you're far too submissive."

"Well, um, I'm honored, I guess."

And so the unromantic engagement commenced, which would turn into an unromantic marriage. Of course, Rainbow still argued and used Sukh a lot, but they were perfectly happy to do so, as Sukh did not want to be abused by anypony else.