My Lesson In Love
Princess Celestia told me I should come to Ponyville for two reasons; to learn about friendship, and to make new friends in the process. I'm glad she did, of course, because I have become friends with five of the most amazing ponies you could ever hope to meet.
Spike came with me, of course. He's been my best friend for...well, ever since he hatched. For a long time, he was my only friend. The ponies in Canterlot never really got along with me- they were upper class, highbrow, into their fashion and their high society world, so different from me and my books.
Which is why I was surprised, no, shocked, to discover that I had fallen in love with a pony who shares many of the same characteristics as the ones that shunned me in Canterlot. Not just a pony, but a very good friend of mine, and not just a good friend, but a mare...and not just a mare, but the mare of my best friend.
Spike and Rarity started dating about six months ago. Everypony knew he had a crush on her for a long time before that, but I guess it took her that long to warm to the idea. Now, they are the happiest couple in Ponyville. I know some ponies would frown on inter-species relationships like that, but, the way I see it, they're not the first and they certainly won't be the last, and besides, love often doesn't stick to the traditional boundaries that society places it in.
I should know all about that.
I suppose the signs were always there for me. I found that I enjoyed Rarity's company more than that of any of my other friends. I always thought she was the most beautiful pony in town, but then I know I wasn't the only one who did. Over time, I found that I would always try to be with her, as close to her as I could get; if there were two spare seats, I would take the one next to her. If I had a choice of who I wanted to spend time with that day, I would choose her.
I guess I raised my hopes up too high- the way she smiled at me, the way she always called me 'darling.' After all, she calls almost everypony darling at least once a day. One day I woke up and something clicked. I found that I was in love. I wanted to shout,
'I love you, Rarity!' I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. But I didn't. I desperately wanted her to feel the same way about me.
But she didn't. After all, who could blame her? I'm just a boring, nerdy, plain mare. Why would anypony ever love me? Sometimes I think my friends only put up with me because they know we have to stick together to use the Elements of Harmony. That's part of the reason why I never told Rarity how I felt. What if it damaged our friendship? What if I put Equestria at risk?
I could never quite picture in my mind how that would necessarily come about. I could never see Rarity abandoning me or the Elements completely, but I didn't want to take the chance. After all, Princess Celestia had told me to make friends, not to fall in love. That part just sort of...happened on its own.
The other problem I face is that Rarity is, well...she's a mare. And I'm a mare.
Being a lesbian is not exactly frowned on in Equestria, at least not by the law, but it is hardly something most ponies would want to go around shouting about. Rainbow Dash keeps suffering from rumours about her sexuality, and everypony in town knows how she reacts to them. It's like they're accusing her of murder or something. She goes out of her way to prove that she likes stallions, and I know that most of the ponies that make up these accusations only do it because they know that being a fillyfooler still carries a certain social stigma. A stigma I have no desire to suffer. It's bad enough that ponies think I'm a geek, I certainly don't want them knowing that I likes mares into the bargain.
Unless, of course, it meant Rarity and I could be together.
But it wouldn't. She doesn't like mares, or if she does, she's never shown any signs of it. She loves Spike, not me, and he loves her, and I love her too...
For pony's sake. Why does love have to be so complicated? I read plenty of sappy love stories when I was a filly- why can't it be like those? With a happy ending? Why?
Why do I have to carry on suffering alone?
I want her, but I don't want to interfere. Spike and Rarity are my friends, and I respect their relationship. Things could get very complicated, and I don't want that. If she's happy with Spike, then I can deal with that.
I think.
I've never been in love before. Not even a little crush as a filly or anything like that. Guess I never really had time for it back then. I have always buried my muzzle in my books whenever any troubles came my way. But, for the first time, I've found myself trying to leave them behind. Why? Because Spike often brings Rarity back to the library, after dates or just so he can cook her lunch. Even when she's not around, he is, and he talks about her non-stop, like the express train to Canterlot. He talked a lot before, but not like this, since they got together.
I just can't take it. Sometimes tears fill my eyes and I have to make up some excuse to leave. I've started going on long walks in the evening, just to get away from it and be alone with my thoughts. Even when I cry at night, I have to do it quietly, or I know Spike will hear me. His basket is over the other side of the room- there's just nowhere else to put it, and until he moves in with Rarity someday he will have to stay here. If he hears me, he'll ask me what's wrong, and he won't take 'nothing' for an answer, because he cares a lot, and he's so thoughtful and kind, and Rarity is so lucky to have him...
But I wish she had me instead.
I know that, if he finds out I've been crying, he will keep pestering me about it until I tell him why. I also know that, eventually, I will give in and tell him. But I don't want to. I don't want anypony to know, because I'll never have her, so why not just keep it to myself? I wouldn't gain anything from it, and I might lose my friends. The only friends I've ever had...
She's happy. He's happy. I'm not happy. That's just the way it is. As long as she's happy, I guess I'm satisfied.
The question that runs through my mind now is- why me? Why must I always be alone? Soon, I'll probably be the only Element of Harmony who isn't dating somepony. Rainbow Dash is seeing Soarin. Applejack has a soft spot for Caramel, and I think the feeling is mutual. Fluttershy and Big McIntosh both like each other, if only one of them could work up the courage to ask the other out. Even Pinkie Pie- I'm sure I've seen her gazing lovingly at that stallion who seems to like his jelly a little too much.
But not me. It's always been like this; I guess I'm used to it now. Used to the loneliness and the pain. Some nights, it's almost a comfort to me. I guess that's just the way it was meant to be. Maybe one day I'll find somepony else, and maybe they will feel the same way. Maybe then I will be able to get over her. Maybe then.
But not tonight. Tonight I am crying, just like last night, and the night before. I cry into my pillow so Spike doesn't hear me, sobbing silently. I hear him snoring, so I know he is asleep. I roll onto my back, staring out the window at Luna's moon, hanging like a bauble in the clear sky. I whisper the same thing I whisper every night.
'I love you, Rarity...'