> Luna Fails Diplomacy Forever
>  by spigo
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Eventually
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were few things more dreadful than the situation Celestia faced tomorrow. Waking to find a god of chaos in one's bedroom, trying to force the nobles to get along, even trying to separate Luna from the candy bucket on Nightmare Night didn't hold a candle to diplomatic meetings.

It wasn't even so much the meeting itself or the pony as it was remembering which customs they were following today. There were so many foreign cultures with such confusing rituals for meetings that it was hard to keep up. Even worse, it seemed as if every time she figured out that, say, the Zebrican calendar rolled backwards, the culture would up and change on her the very next century.

She shifted in her seat at the dining table, her face screwed up in concentration. Was she supposed to toss the axe at the mountain donkey's hat, or were the guards supposed to juggle the axes over the ambassador as they arrived?

Luna coughed, and stared at her. "Er… Celestia? Are you feeling well?"

Celestia shook herself. "Oh, yes, Luna. I'm quite fine." She glanced over the food laid out on the table. She reached for the massive three-tier cloud cake at the center of the table.

Luna grinned at her over her plate. "Sister, We do not see you reaching for your dessert before your dinner, do We?"

Celestia gave the cake a longing look, but withdrew her hooves. She had to set a good example for her sister, after all. She sighed, narrowed her eyes and glanced over the food again. She chose a bowl of soup and floated it over. At least she'd be able to down it fast.

She dropped it on the table, and something in the bowl seemed to move. She gaped. She couldn't remember any of the chefs picking up any Gryffin recipes, but then, she'd been busy.

Luna cocked her head at her. "Is something wrong?"

Celestia blinked, and looked back at the soup. It stood perfectly still. "Oh, nothing. It's fine."

"If you are sure." She was about to devour another mouthful when her face lit up. "Oh, Celestia, We read the most fascinating thing yesterday. Did you know that in some mountain donkey villages, they still scribble their thoughts on rocks? No books at all. It was most strange."

She paused, and shivered. "We must wonder how they live in such atrocious conditions."

Celestia sighed, and put her spoon down. "Luna, you know that history book you've been reading is seven hundred years out of date, don't you?"

Luna snorted. "And? Discord would sooner play volleyball with bikini-clad dragons than a donkey society change its culture."

Celestia shook her head, and chose not to mention that she'd seen him doing exactly that in the morning. The view from her pillow had been spectacular — she still couldn't figure out how he'd managed to fit an entire volleyball court in her bedroom, but it had been quite the sight.

Although, she wasn't sure if it counted, considering they were only Royal Guards dressed as dragons.

After a few moments of pondering these important questions, she ducked down where Luna couldn't see her and downed around half of the soup in the bowl. The faster it was gone, the faster she'd get a piece of that cake.

She straightened up and dropped the bowl back on the table in front of her. Again, the bowl emitted a strange sound she might have described as 'glop,' and again it seemed to move, this time a strange bubble bursting on its surface. Something in her stomach twitched.

Luna cleared her throat. "You are not still concerned with that diplomatic meeting, are you?" Celestia didn't answer. "Have you yet planned it?"

She nodded weakly, and Luna's face fell. "Ah. Such a shame. We had so many ideas for the event. We even spoke to Discord about a few of them. We did not expect him to be so helpful. It is sad to think they will go to waste."

Celestia nodded vaguely, and stared at the bowl. "Luna, have the chefs been trying any new recipes?"

"Not that We are aware of. Why do you ask?"

She shook her head and looked away. "It's nothing. Just… feeling a little funny, is all."

"If you need anything — "

She sighed. "All I need to do is ask. I know, Luna. I'm fine."

Luna watched her for a few more moments, then returned to her hay fries. Celestia fixed the bowl with a stare, but it remained still. It must have been her imagination, the motions. The stress. She lifted it to her lips, and drained the last of the soup.

It wasn't until the bowl was empty that she noticed what was at the bottom.

A tiny yellow something sat at the bottom of the bowl, its two beady eyes glaring up at her as it flapped its minuscule wings.

Celestia recoiled from the thing as it screeched, falling out of her chair. Luna stood up and dashed over to her, mouthing words she didn't hear. She shot a glare at a passing servant and shouted something at her.

A moment later, Celestia's vision went dark.


- - -


When Celestia woke, she felt something soft underneath her. She opened her eyes, and realized she was in her bedroom — rather, her old bedroom — by the gratuitous amount of pink in every nook, corner, and niche. A moment later, she noticed the screeching demon that had taken up residence somewhere near her stomach, and groaned.

Luna sat at her bedside atop a pink chair that was entirely too small for her. She smiled at Celestia. "Ah, you are awake. Good morning, sister."

She stirred, and tried to get up, but her sister leaned over stopped her with a hoof, her chair buckling and screeching. Its protests fell on deaf ears. "Ah, ah. You are not to leave your bed until cleared by the Royal Physician."

Celestia winced. "What…" she took a deep breath, "what happened last night? I'm afraid I don't remember much."

"What do you remember?"

She screwed up her face in thought. "Finding something strange in my food. You shouting. Fainting."

"Well, it is a simple enough tale, I suppose." She paused. "I inspected your bowl, and discovered the insect — a parasprite, I heard somepony call it — and I called for the head chef and the Captain of the Guard." She hesitated, and blushed. "I… We may have overreacted, but only slightly."

The thing in Celestia's intestines gave a kick, and she cringed. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it is possible that We attempted to… discipline the chef responsible with a silver platter." She picked up a miniature stable from Celestia's dresser and began to toy with it, the walls warping from the pressure. "And that this discipline may have involved removing her head from her withers with extreme haste." She looked away. "Captain Shining Armor arrived not long after and stopped us before we were able, however."

Celestia closed her eyes. "Is that all?"

Luna fidgeted in her chair, its legs buckling slightly. "Er… We may have… no, there is nothing."

"Luna… ."

Luna clenched her jaw, and tried not to look directly at Celestia. "We may have… partaken of the cloud cake without you." Celestia's face twitched. Luna's voice quickened. "We did not, er, want any of it to go to waste. It does spoil so quickly… ."

Celestia scowled. "It takes a month to spoil."

Luna half-nodded. "Exactly our point." She glanced at a clock on the wall. "Sister, when is the — "

"Why am I in my bedroom, Luna?"

Her face froze, and her eyes twitched toward the window. "We, er, thought it would be the safest place for you."

Celestia coughed, and glared at a grinning miniature Royal Guard on the nightstand. "Why am I in my old bedroom?"

Luna glanced out the window. "Ah… ."

Celestia followed her gaze to a cloud of black smoke billowing from the place where her bedroom used to be. She sighed. "I don't even have to ask, do I?"

Luna grimaced. "We are sorry. We tried to restrain him." She glanced up at the clock again, and her tone became rushed. "Sister, it is… We do not mean to bother you, but We really must know. When is the diplomat arriving?"

Celestia shut her eyes, and thought. "Around… ten, I think." She shifted in her bed, and smiled to herself. "I guess that means I'll have to cancel."

Luna nodded. "Do not worry, Celestia. We will take care of it."

She turned and ambled out of the room, all but crawling to fit through the door. Celestia shivered, and coughed. At least one good thing had come out of this; she wouldn't have to meet with the mountain donkey ambassador.

She turned and vomited into the garbage pail at her bedside. She had to take her bright sides where she could get them today.

A moment later, she realized what Luna meant by 'take care of it.'


- - -


Luna stepped out onto the front steps of the Palace outside the wall, and took a look around. A few guards, a strangely-dressed donkey mare, but no sign of a diplomat. Late, of course. She ambled over, sat down next to the mare on the stairs, and groaned.

Luna glanced over at the donkey. "You seem to be waiting for somepony, do you not?"

She looked up, and blinked. "I was, but not — "

"We also feel that way. It is most inconsiderate, is it not?" Luna sighed. "It is half an hour past time that they ought to be here, and still, they make us wait."

The mare's boat-shaped hat shifted, and her eyes narrowed. "And may I ask who you were waiting for?"

"An ambassador from the mountain donkeys." She shook her head. "We can only assume that he is too drunk to find his way up here, or else too busy worshiping river carp."

The donkey recoiled, and looked offended. "I assure you she is doing no such thing."

Luna smiled. "She? Perhaps you do not know as much about the mountain donkeys as We. They would never send a female diplomat, nor have they for over… oh, eight hundred years." She paused. "It is understandable. We are not in regular contact with them, so born in Equestria, you would not know."

She scowled at Luna. "I'm the diplomat."

Luna squinted, and leaned back for a moment, then laughed. "We are quite certain you are not," she grinned, "but that was quite a joke. We must commend you."

The donkey set her jaw. "I wasn't joking."

Luna coughed long and loud into her hoof, her eyes bugging out. "Then, you… ."

The mare stared at her for a moment, then her jaw dropped open and she shook her head violently. "No, no, absolutely not." She grated her teeth for a moment, then reached into her saddlebags, pulled out a stack of papers and offered them to Luna. "My documents, as proof."

Luna took levitated them in front of them, and squinted. She scanned and leafed through them for a few moments, then stuffed them roughly back into the mare's bag, and nodded. "I see. In that case… ." She glanced into the courtyard. "Let us welcome the ambassador!"

She led her into the courtyard, a half-dozen unicorn Royal Guards standing on either side. They saluted, and waited for Luna to reach the other side of the formation. The donkey crept along several feet behind her.

Luna glanced up at a window above the gate and cued someone out of sight. The Guards raised the axes at their sides, and began to juggle them along the formation. Thirty seconds later, an explosion of carp-shaped confetti shot out of the window, tiny paper fish raining down on the diplomat's hat.

A second after that, one guard's axe flew just slightly too low, and went sailing off into the bushes along with the ambassador's hat. He scrambled after it, and returned to the formation with his axe after a minute of frenzied searching.

Luna smiled as wide as she dared, and raised her voice to an impossible level. "The Kingdom of Equestria welcomes you to Canterlot, Ambassador Emilia!"

Emilia's clothes rippled in the gale-force of her greeting, and she scrambled across the rest of the courtyard to where Luna stood. The Royal Guards saluted a second time, picked up their axes and abandoned the gate as they filed back into the barracks.

Emilia shivered, and gaped for a moment. Luna tapped her chin with a hoof. "Hm. We believe We may have missed something."

For a moment, she stared off into space, then her eyes lit up and she clapped her hoof on the ground. "Of course! How could we forget?" Her horn glowed violet for a moment, and she pulled a boulder from the window above the gate and slammed it on the ground next to Emilia. The earth quaked for a moment, and the ambassador leapt back from the thing.

"There!" Luna smiled. "We believe this will make you feel more at home," she said, nodding to the childish scribbling on the boulder's smoothed face.

Emilia backed a few steps away from the thing, then shook herself and looked back up at Luna. "You know we don't — "

"Ah, of course, of course." Luna nodded. "We must have our meeting. It would not be a proper visit without it, would it? Follow me."

She led Emilia up the steps, into the Palace foyer and up the stairs. "The meeting room is quite a place. We believe you will enjoy it." She paused. "Much finer than what you must usually endure."

She whimpered in response, and hobbled up the steps behind Luna.

A few turns later, and they were no closer to the room than when they had started. Luna cursed under her breath. "It must have moved. Forgive Us. It has been some time since We last used the meeting room."

Luna turned and led Emilia up another flight of stairs, and almost bumped into a small lavender alicorn on the way up.

She blinked, and grinned. "Oh, dearest Twilight Sparkle! It has been some time since we saw you last. May we ask what is the occasion?"

Twilight gaped back for a moment, glancing from the ambassador to Luna. "Oh, ah, Princess Luna. Yeah, it's been awhile. It's nothing, really, I'm just here to see Celestia. I heard she was sick, and I had to come right away." She glanced back at Emilia, and winced. "I'm, er… and this is… ?"

"This is Emilia, gentlemare ambassador from the mountain donkeys." Luna gestured to Twilight. "Emilia, meet Our newest Princess, Twilight Sparkle."

They nodded to each other, and exchanged muttered greetings.

Luna glanced at the saddlebags on Twilight's hips, an idea forming in her mind. "Emilia, there is something we would like for you to see. Twilight, we know there are few places you would go without them. Show her one of your books."

Twilight's mouth flapped a moment. "I—I… ."

Emilia coughed. "I think I know well enough —"

"Nonsense." Luna shook her head. "We have seen what you call 'books.'" She shivered. "If We had to suffer such inadequacies… well, We are not sure we could survive." She gestured to Twilight a second time. "Twilight, with haste, now. We would not want to waste Emilia's time."

Emilia grumbled something under her breath, but Luna wasn't listening. Twilight looked from the Princess to the donkey beside her, and pawed the carpet. After a moment, she sighed, and withdrew a book from her saddlebag. "A History of Equestrian Magic, then. It's one of my favorites."

She tried to offer it to the donkey, but Luna pushed it away. "Twilight, We agree as to its quality, but…" she glanced at the mare, "perhaps you ought to start with something simpler."

Twilight reached for her bag again, but Luna had beaten her to it. She lifted a tiny picture book from her bag, and offered it to Emilia. "The Filly and the Three Ursa Minors by Twilight Velvet, a wonderful piece… and perhaps one more appropriate for demonstration."

Emilia took a step back, glaring. "Is this what you call a diplomatic meeting?"

Luna screwed up her face for a moment, deep in thought. "Yes."

Emilia snorted. "I'd hate to see what the negotiations would have gone like." She turned and stalked off down the stairs. "I expected better from Equestria. I'm leaving."

Luna smiled, and waved after her. "We are sorry your visit had to be cut short. We would enjoy entertaining you again." Emilia turned the corner. Luna shouted, "Goodbye, Ms. Emilia! Return someday, and We will introduce you to The Manticore King!"

Emilia huffed, and vanished down the hall. Luna turned to Twilight, still smiling. "We thought that went quite well."

Twilight winced. "Um… it was a good first try?"


- - -


A tiny pink rubber ball flew inches over Celestia's face. "Are we having fun yet, Celly?"

She ignored Discord as he passed the ball between his two selves. Eventually, he would get bored. Eventually, he would have to go away.

Eventually. Eventually was a very long time.

The ball burst into equally tiny pink flames. Celestia sighed.

Several minutes of scorching ball passes later, the door popped open, and Luna strode in. Twilight crept in a few steps behind her, wincing.

Celestia closed her eyes, and settled back. "Hello, Luna. Twilight."

Luna grinned, and flopped back down in her tiny pink chair at Luna's bedside. "Hello, dearest Celestia!" She inched the chair closer. "How are you feeling? Much better, We hope."

She scowled at Discord. "I'd feel better if I was in my bed."

"You are in your bed, in a manner of speaking."

Celestia shook her head. "So, how did the meeting go?"

Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but Luna cut her off. "It went most magnificently, sister. You should have seen it — the Congratulatory Greeting Confetti alone, well… We think it went perfectly."

A loud scream echoed from the courtyard that sounded suspiciously like a donkey just having slipped on scraps of confetti.

Celestia groaned and shifted. At least nothing was on fire.

The ball flew over her head again. At least nothing else was on fire. "Did anything else happen?"

Luna screwed up her face in concentration, and Celestia's stomach dropped out.