I'm Too Old For This
“Okay girls, all together!” Twilight Sparkle shouted to the other five Elements of Harmony as they surrounded their foe. They began to rise in the air, their eyes glowing as the Elements began to charge up power.
Before them, a small, easily defeatable stick was cowering in inanimate fear from the total amount of sheer omega-overkill that it was about to face. Nopony cared, because clearly this inanimate object was the greatest threat that Equestria could ever possibly face; it was an even greater threat than the entire Griffon Kingdom and all of the minotaurs combined.
Together, the Elements of Harmony glowed their corresponding colors and combined them to form a megazord shoot a rainbow colored beam of pure magical friendship at their immortal foe. Before they knew it, they were back on the ground, exhausted from the minimal effort that they’d put in to actually channeling their emotions at something. They were all descendants of Keanu Reeves, so that makes sense I guess. Anyway, all that was left of the stick was a scorch mark on the ground and fresh smell of burning wood in the air.
“T-Twilight…? D-did we just k-kill it?” Fluttershy stuttered quietly and peaked her eye out from behind her mane, because that is her sole identifying character trait. Otherwise she’s essentially a background pony who has more than one line of dialogue but is somehow essential to the story.
“No, Fluttershy. We turned him into a magical pixie dust butterfly with the power of our love and tolerance. Don’t worry about it.” Twilight patted her on the back to comfort her and whispered soothingly in her ear. She turned her attention to the rainbow colored splotch on the carpet and sighed. “Oh well… Looks like we’re going to have to break out the Oxyclean again to get that stain out. Also: obligatory blatant advertising of sponsors completed.”
Twilight took out a big checklist and checked off the ‘plug sponsors’ box, because much like Fluttershy she only has a single character trait, and that is being organized and keeping lists. She put her checklist away and look at her friends, whose elements were suddenly gone from around their neck. Beside her face, a golden ornate box of minimal importance floated, housing the elements that would inevitably be stolen again.
“Very well done, girls.” A regal voice pierced through the air, nearly bringing each of the six mares and Spike who was suddenly there for no reason to eargasm. “I’m so proud that you managed to stop…” She looked down at her hoof, reading the notes that she’d written down. “Generic antagonist number ten: The evil stick of Sickenhiemer Von Cool Evil Name. He was clearly our greatest enemy, and this was the best allocation of our resources and defenses.”
The rest of the girls all nodded in agreement at her wise words. Everypony, that was, except for Applejack. She shuffled in place nervously as she struggled to find the words to ask the questions that had been plaguing her mind for a long while. With this latest escapade, she felt ready to burst. She’d played along for long enough, and now she just had to know the truth.
“Uh… Princess? Can I ask ya a question?” The farm pony shifted her gaze to the rainbow splotch on the carpet and shuddered. This was blasphemy and she knew it.
“Go ahead, noble background character.” Celestia smiled at her and giggled.
Applejack flushed red as steam blew out her ears. “Ah ain’t no… You know what? Nevermind.” She cleared her throat and took her hat off, placing against her chest to show respect. “Princess. Was this really the best use of our time? Ah mean… We’ve got the changelings to worry about still… And those dang griffons ain’t makin’ things any easier on us. Shouldn’t we be…” Applejack scratched her head for a moment and sighed. “Helping out there or somethin’?”
“Oh course not, peasant! It’s much too dangerous for you all to go do something that’s actually relevant to the whole country and not just one small town. I could never put my precious Twilight Sparkle in danger!” Celestia walked past Applejack and smushed Twilight’s cheeks together, causing her to blush.
Applejack simply huffed.
“Heh. Looks more like you’re coddlin’ your smitten student rather than tendin’ to the needs of the country. She get smooches too?”
Celestia froze in place. A strange shiver ran down Applejack’s spine as the other Elements of Harmony backed away.
“Now P-Princess, Ah don’t mean to be rude… It’s just… We took on a whole army of changelings ourselves, and you’re havin’ us fightin’ sticks with fancy nam-“
“No.” Celestia trotted toward Applejack menacingly. With each hoofstep, she left a smoldering hole where her hoof used to be. Applejack gulped as the tall white alicorn towered over her. She placed a hoof on Applejack chest as the smaller mare slowly looked up.
“Applejack?” Celestia called in a soothing, calm tone. Applejack sighed in relief.
“Oh Princess, for a moment-”
“Now listen here you lil’ shit!!” Celestia roared, tapping Applejack’s chest with force. “I didn’t live a thousand years after defeating a bucking god of chaos to get lip from a dumb earth pony! I didn’t use Equestria’s greatest magical power source to banish my own sister just so I could hear about you and your little troubles. Having to teach you about friendship is punishment enough, and pretending to read those half-assed letters that take you twenty seconds to write is enough of a headache.
"So what if I want to keep the six greatest plots in Equestria safe from war and terror? You should be thanking me for keeping your flanks safe from war and famine! I’m the bucking princess, and I bucking earned it! If I want to raise up six ponies, make them friends, and turn them immortal one by one so I can have an eternal harem to satisfy myself, then so be it! I’m the princess, and I do what I want!”
Applejack’s jaw was gently closed by a helpful Pinkie Pie. She shook her head and looked up to the princess. “W-what in tarnation?”
Celestia puffed out her chest and gazed up her little ponies. “Very well, I suppose it is time I find better uses for you. Tomorrow you shall arrive to the castle and become my royal concubines. Goodnight. I expect you to be prim and proper by morning. Goodbye!” She jumped off the ground and flew off into the sunset, leaving a confused farmer in her wake.
Applejack’s shivered uncontrollably as she turned around. “I-I’m sorry y’all, I didn’t mean to- Oof!”
She was interrupted by her five friends hugging and nuzzling her. “THANK YOU APPLEJACK!”
Applejack shoved the group off and fixed her hat’s position. “Now just wait a darn tootin’ minute! I didn’t know y’all were lesbians!” She puffed out her chest and glared at Rainbow Dash, now blushing, as she recalled the numerous wrestling matches they had all week. It had become nearly sensual and Applejack swore Rainbow Dash was enjoying it too much. Apparently she was correct.
Twilight stepped forward, her wings slowly rising from her sides in excitement, probably to indicate her new interest in her friends. “Of course, Applejack! Here in Ponyville, we’re all lesbians!”
Applejack scrunched her muzzle. “True…”
Rarity squealed. “Canterlot! Who wants a princess makeover!”
“I DO!!”
Applejack shrugged and cantered after her excited friends, wondering how well Celestia could put that horn to work. Applejack loved work.