Only chapter
The doors to the Canterlot palace throne room burst open, all the bearers of the Elements of Harmony besides the recently coronated Element of Magic charging towards the tyrant that had usurped the position of leader of Equestria in absence of it’s usual diarchs, Prince Vladimir Blueblood the 52nd. Slumped back on the royal chair with his head resting on one hoof, He gave them little more than a dull glare as a platoon of pegasus guards descended from the ceiling, spears at the ready. Surrounded, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy stood their ground and waited for the first attack.
“STOP.”
The prince demonstrated that he had indeed learned enough about the Royal Canterlot Voice since Luna’s return to use it. “I can handle it from here, gents, thank you.” To the relief, and slight confusion, of the Element bearers, the guards smiled, nodded, and filed out, politely closing the door that had been bucked open moments ago behind them.
Rarity was the first to speak. “I had known you were a pain from the night we met, but taking over Equestria in the princesses’ collective absence? I had never have thought even you would stoop to such villainy!”
Blueblood inclined his head slightly, an eyebrow raised. “Do I really look like a villain to you?”
Rainbow stretched her wings out a moment before pointing an accusing hoof at the prince. “Well, gee, you’re sitting here in the palace, where the Princesses usually are, having kicked everypony but the guards out for no reason, and claiming you’re in charge now, so yea! Now what did you do with the Princesses?!”
He leaned back on the throne a bit. “I did only what I had to do, what the Royal Line of Blue has always done, make sure Equestria is where it needs to be, in the hooves of those that can carry out even less… Wholesome tasks,” He eyed them suspiciously, “such as dealing with a bunch of peasants breaking into the royal palace.”
“Don’t ya go givin’ us any’a that hogwash,” Applejack twanged, “Equestria was just fine wit’ the princesses in charge!”
“Was it, really?” Blueblood directed his eyes to the ceiling, perhaps just to look contemplative. “Yes, I suppose it was fine, in adequate state, well enough that it wouldn't deteriorate into riots and chaos overnight, but what of it’s rulers, my dear aunts and, recently, Miss, or rather, Princess Twilight Sparkle?”
Rarity scoffed. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous that such a prestigious title went to a worthy candidate for once?” There was a hint of a smirk on her face as she indirectly insulted the worst date she’d ever had, but he didn’t seem to react to it much. Probably used to disappointed mares, she guessed.
“I took the throne for the good of the nation, Auntie Celestia has had Auntie Luna and Mis-Princess Sparkle under her hooves for as long as she’s been in contact with them. If I was to remove the blight that Auntie Celestia had become, those two needed to be removed from the picture as well.”
“Wait,” Pinkie asked, waving a hoof rapidly in the air, “What about Cady in the Crystal Empire? Isn’t she a princess too?”
Blueblood smirked. “The Crystal empire is hardly on it’s feet yet as a military power, even with a former guard captain as co-ruler. If there is a modicum of sense between the two of them, they will not oppose me.”
“What did the princesses ever do to make you behave so dreadfully?” Rairty demanded.
“What did they ever do,” he parroted, “Yes, let’s explore that, shall we? What have they done to so thoroughly lose my trust, and that of anypony with a hint of cognition?” He waved a hoof toward the group. “Who would like to start?”
The five gathered before the throne looked confused.
“Start what,” Pinkie asked, an excited smile spreading on her face, “A conga line? A line for pin-the-tail-on-the-pony?” She began to hop in place. “Ooh, ooh! A band?! What instruments do you play? I play the accordion, banjo, cymbals, tuba, harmonica, tuna fish, checkers, hopscotch, I-spy-with-my-litt-“
“Think, commoner,” he cut her off with as much disdain as he could muster, “what have they done up until now?” He pointed at Fluttershy, who squeaked, startled at the sudden motion in her direction. “You, I recall a visit by Auntie Celestia had you chasing her insipid pet all over town desperately trying to keep it alive, breaking down in tears when you thought it had perished before your eyes, according to the guards that accompanied her?”
“Y-yes,” the ever soft-spoken pegasus murmured, careful not to look directly at the Prince, “B-but I think if I’d just asked about it, she would have told me Philomena was a phoenix…”
Blueblood rolled his eyes, raising a wineglass from the floor beside the throne as his horn faintly lit up. “Yes, or she might have made some mention to anypony at all about why she didn’t seem concerned about her horribly sick pet? I hear she had toyed with those waiting on her in the very shop she visited!”
Rainbow snorted. “She was just having some fun, what’s the big deal?”
Either Celestia kept wine behind the throne, or Blueblood had made that step one of his reign, because he floated and uncorked a bottle from behind the seat and began to fill his glass, the red liquid sloshing about as he spoke in a bored tone. “You were in the Best Young Fliers’ competition, were you not? How was it having wings, Miss Rarity?”
The clothes horse in question harrumphed. “And what is it to you what my time as a bee-autiful,“ She brushed her mane aside with a hoof for effect, “graceful angel of the skies entailed?”
“I understand you had a bit of a mishap, flew a touch too high and-“
Rarity cut him off, a hint of a blush on her features, not wanting any more of the shameful tale remembered, by her or anypony else. “Yes, yes we all know what happen-“
Blueblood cut her off. “Flew too high. Too close to the sun? Shining full blast?”
The group’s eyes collectively widened at the implication.
“What’s more, when you were falling to your death, did she lift a hoof to stop you? Grab you in her magic? I know telekinesis has it’s limits,” He lightly shook the wineglass for emphasis, “but she didn’t so much as get up, did she? Just watched you fall and three Wonderbolts follow suit?”
The multi-hued pegasus stretched her wings proudly. “That’s because she knew I would save all of ‘em!”
“Yes,” The noblepony said with not a hint of sincerity, “I’m sure she did.”
Applejack spoke up. “Now wait just a darn minute here!”
The usurper prince indeed waited, taking a long drink.
“There ain’t no way the Princess meant for Rarity’s wings tah burn up like they did! If she was fixin’ tah see us crippled, or worse, don’tcha think she could’a just had it done?”
“Yea,” Rainbow defended, “especially since you seem to think she’s such an evil schemer and stuff!”
Blueblood looked unimpressed. “It’s not about any particular goal, her reasoning is more like that of Discord’s.” He eyed Fluttershy for a moment, again causing her to shrink back. “…Until recently, that is. She does what she does because it amuses her, because it’s fun.”
“You really expect us to believe she sees us as playthings,” Rarity said, rolling her eyes in exaggerated fashion, “that all she does is to watch us squirm under pressure in twisted little games?”
“Forgetting that she sent the six of you to face a full-grown dragon, alone? Along with quite a few things not even the Royal Guard are equipped to handle?” He refilled the glass. “Yes, yes I do. Surely you all remember the Gala?”
The five mares had various reactions between discomfort and anger… And Pinkie. “Ooh, yea!” She said bouncing up and down a few times, “That was fun!” Her giggles were followed by an outburst from Rarity.
“Of course we remember.” If looks could kill, her tone suggested looks would run screaming in the other direction. “It was the ab-sol-lute, worst date I’ve ever been on!”
It was hard to tell if it was from the alcohol in his system or if he was genuinely abashed in some small way, but Blueblood seemed to redden a little. “I didn’t exactly-“
“You. Used. Me. As. A. Sheild.”
“Yes, but that was-”
“FOR.”
“A.”
“CAKE.”
The prince shrugged. “It was a snap decision, nothing personal.” He went on as Rarity fumed, angry, but far too refined to strike somepony physically. Moreso when that particular somepony was in command of a legion of armed guards. “My point is she invited the five of you along with Mi-Princess Sparkle because she knew the lot of you would destroy everything you touched, she knew none of you were really prepared for a Grand Galloping Gala and wanted to watch the fireworks, never-mind who got in the way.”
Applejack spoke quietly to the others. “She did say she wanted us tah make it excitin’, as Ah recall…”
“But that isn’t, she doesn’t just, I mean…” Rainbow sputtered, knowing what she meant to say, less sure how to pronounce it.
“The way I hear it…” Blueblood said again looking toward the ceiling, as if waiting for the rest of his sentence to make itself seen on the masonry, “Sending Princess Sparkle the invitations to the Gala to begin with, knowing full well she had just befriended all five of you… How many Gala tickets were there to start?”
None of them needed to be reminded how they had behaved that day, trying to win one of the golden tickets for themselves, apologizing to Twilight after, and the letter to Celestia that resulted in all of them being able to attend. Regardless, Pinkie jumped up several times.
“Ooh, ooh, I know this one, pick me! Pick me!” The rest of the room quite silent, all present stared at her for several seconds. “…Rhetorical question?” She giggled. “Sorry!”
Applejack broke the awkward silence, as Blueblood’s speeches seemed to dry up along with the contents of his wineglass.
“Yer sayin’ she only sent two tickets tah mess wit’ Twi? How would she even see anythin’ from all the way in Canterlot?”
Blueblood shook the bottle he’d been drawing from, determined it wasn’t quite empty yet, and refilled his glass. “I’ve been in Auntie’s chambers a few times, and while I’ve never seen anything I can say with certainty is some manner of scrying tool-“
“Hey!” Rainbow shouted, startling Fluttershy again. She shot her butter-yellow friend an apologetic look before going on. “You've slung a lotta mud at the Princess already, but now you’re calling her a scr-I mean, a SPY?!”
The prince shrugged. “To be honest, I don’t know, but I’m not sure why else she would do these things. It’s not just Auntie Celestia, either, I don’t recall much about the Night Princess’s dream-walking hobby ever coming up in the papers, quite the invasion of privacy, wouldn’t you say? Just imagine the potential for thought police…”
“She does that to protect ponies from their nightmares!” Dash shouted.
Blueblood looked bored as he swirled the liquid in his levitating glass. “That’s beside the point, she kept secrets from us all, hid the truth just as her scheming old manipulator of a sister does.” His face darkened slightly as he put his forehooves together under his chin. “I’m certain she’s molding Princess Sparkle to be the same.”
“That’s all well’n dandy, yer majesty,” Applejack’s southern twang had no impediment on sarcasm, “but it don’t make you the one who calls the shots ‘round these parts!”
“Indeed,” Rarity huffed, “Equestria ill-needs a ruler such as you!”
Blueblood only sneered. “What is a princess?” he asked nopony in particular, hurling his glass dramatically to the floor, “A miserable little pile of secrets!”
Rainbow took to the air, wings outstretched and ready for action. “We’re sending you back where you belong!”
“W-where is that exactly…?” Fluttershy’s quiet question went unanswered.
“Then enough talk,” Blueblood growled, “HAVE AT Y-“
DING!
Nopony moved.
DING-DING!
“Ah,” muttered Blueblood, “That went faster than expected.” He levitated a little egg timer from behind the throne to shut it off, looking toward the ceiling, where a flash of light revealed Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle, all but the last landing with utmost grace.
The newest princess teetered a bit on her hooves after landing, giving a small cry as she balanced herself, Celestia giggling quietly in response. “Still not quite used to having wings? We were practicing for just this moment, you know.”
Twilight smiled sheepishly “They’re whole new appendages, no amount of reading can really suffice to… Although I wouldn’t mind trying, um…” She flapped her feathery limbs a little, pondering the merits of extracting every ounce of knowledge of wing use from every book in her library as her friends approached, faces depicting shock and confusion. She greeted them with a friendly smile. “Oh, hi guys!”
Fluttershy was the first to speak. “T-twilight, what’s, what was, where were, oh my…”
Luna answered first. “We, I…” She looked to her sister and Twilight. “No, wait, it is indeed ‘we’ in this context, just not in the royal sense. We were in the process of making use of our time in a manner not usually practiced by those of our position.” She raised a hoof in the air, smiling triumphantly. “Much fun was had!”
Celestia nodded. “Yes, you see my little ponies, Luna and I felt it best we help Twilight integrate into her role in life by reminding her that while much is expected of a princess, it is still important to stop and take a breath now and then.” She smiled as Twilight performed the breath exercise Cadence had showed her, as if on cue.
“Yes,” replied the newest member of Equestrian royalty, “I’m feeling fine now, but is it really ok for use to just…” She scraped the floor with a hoof, uncertain. “Disappear every now and then? Who takes care of things when you’re not around?”
Luna indicated Blueblood, drinking straight from the wine bottle now, with a hoof. “That one there, it appears.” As all present turned to look at him, he quickly set the bottle down, swallowed the mouthful he had been drinking, and sat perfectly still, eyes shifting back and forth.
Every Element bearer looked flabbergasted, besides Twilight, who only looked confused. “But… Really?”
“He organized a coup almost an hour after you were last seen!” Rarity said.
“He shooed everypony outta the castle and locked the place down!” Applejack added.
“He was gonna try to take all of us on at once!” Rainbow yelled, equal parts alarmed at these developments and disappointed she wouldn’t be kicking any royal flank today.
“He kind of broke a wineglass, too…” Fluttershy whispered.
“He ate every cupcake in Sugarcube Corner again!” Pinkie Pie declared, forehooves drawn to her cheeks in horror as all present stared at her quietly. “Ohhh, wait, that was me… DEE-lish!”
As the pink confection cemetery licked her lips in fond remembrance, Celestia spoke up. “I understand your concerns, but I assure you, nopony was in danger for the day we were gone. Now, who would like donuts?”
“Not I, Sister,” Luna said yawning, “I require bed rest, for the hour is bright.” She trotted off, disappearing before Celestia and the Element bearers left through the same door, leaving Prince Blueblood, sovereign of Equestria for a single day, alone.
“So, Twilight,” Rainbow asked on the way out, “What were ya doing that made the princesses wanna high-tail it outta Canterlot for a day?”
Celestia seemed happy to answer. “Ohh, it’s quite a funny story, it started with-“
Twilight blushed, leaping into the air. “HEYRAINBOWRACEYOUTODONUTJOE’SREADY?GO!!” She sped off, the ever-competitive Pegasus in hot pursuit, no way I’m losing to somepony that hardly knows how to fly, the speedster thought with grin. The rest ran along after them, laughing all the way.
As Blueblood sat by himself on the throne, wondering what else there was to do today, Luna reappeared from behind him, startling the noblepony.
“Agh! …Must you do that, Auntie Luna?”
Luna smiled. “’Tis much fun to wait in shadow until the right moment, as in days long past!”
Blueblood rubbed a temple with a forehoof. “I thought you were over your old vernacular?”
“NAY!” She patted, lightly punched, him on the shoulder a few times. “Well, yes, but mine recollection is that ‘Tia and I were to vacate the standard mannerisms of the modern princess in lieu of having fun, as such I may do what feels easy and natural, as is custom for a day of whimsy!” The Royal Canterlot Voice’s true master did no favors for the prince’s growing headache, and he was pretty sure he hadn’t even been drinking long enough to get a hangover. “We doth wonder, however,” Luna said with lessened volume, “For what purpose might thou be involved in this end of Sister’s shenanigans?”
Blueblood thought back to the conversation he’d had with Celestia the day before…
---
“Well, looks like you’re up for Conqueror of Equestria, Blueblood!”
The prince in question grumbled. “Must I? What of Discord? Has he not joined the ranks of those you can string into your games?”
She laughed, not in company that demanded she maintain a stoic, regal mask at all times. “Ohh, I thought of that, and he’d probably love the job, but it’s far too early, most ponies still don’t trust him at all yet.”
Blueblood sighed. "Do I really look like a villain to you, Auntie?" He immediately hated himself for asking, just as he had for every time he asked that question before, as she always gave him a playful smile and asked that one rhetorical question she knew he had no answer for.
The solar princess did exactly as he’d predicted, her tone jubilant, as though sharing an inside joke. "What else do you do around here?"
---
It had been true, the Royal Line of Blue had been kept in Celestia’s family not because of Luna having an illicit affair a millennium ago, not because of Celestia feeling lonely… Though he sometimes wondered if that was part of it, given the jarring contrast between how she behaved in public and how she behaved when around a few particular ponies, but because they did the dirty work. Everypony, everypony, himself included, loved princess Celestia, as she was the flawless, loving leader of their land and always had been.
What the common pony didn’t know, however, is that that wasn’t always a flawless, loving job. Not always wholesome, some might say. Sometimes businesses had to be shut down, ponies laid off, houses foreclosed on, feelings trampled and enemies made. The peace in Equestria seemed primarily balanced on the simple fact that hardly anypony opposed Celestia’s rule, because the Bluebloods had been there for centuries to play the villain when necessary. Celestia kept them close, gave them a life of luxury and shameful excess, the current prince often wondered how many houses could have been built with the money he spent on suits alone. In exchange, they would do what would have sullied the princess’s immaculate reputation, soaking up the hatred and keeping Celestia squeaky clean.
He didn’t mind the role so much, but it did grow grating now and then, such as being tasked with assuming the guise of an ambitious usurper so the old princesses could have some time with the new one, if only to relax for a day. He rather doubted anything he’d said to the Element bearers earlier would really stick with them for this very reason, who would care what a Blueblood thought? Hell, he had even learned to tune himself out sometimes, which just went to show how well he’d assimilated into the Blueblood lifestyle since first learning of it. Still, this left him uncertain of how to answer his other Aunt. He smiled humorlessly.
“Do I look like a villain to you, Auntie?”
Luna blinked, starting to laugh quietly before breaking into unrestrained guffaws.
“…Auntie?”
She patted his head with a hoof, smiling proudly. “We see, young prince, thy task is to take the brunt of the ugly side of leadership, is it not? We had wondered what happened to that necessity since our return!”
Blueblood raised an eyebrow, confused.
Luna smiled as she trotted away, really meaning to get to bed now. “In days long past, dear nephew, playing the villain was our duty!”