Leaving My Life
“Dear Princess Celuna… Celuna?”
Oopsie...
Fluttershy crossed out the heading to her letter with a small huff. She laughed softly to herself as she looked around her home, trying to see if any of her animal friends had seen her simple mistake. Her attempts at hiding her embarrassment caused her to gasp and slump in despair. None of her animal friends were present; they never would be again.
The truth of the matter was that she was more intimidated than anything. She was afraid. She had tasked herself with writing a personal letter to Princess Luna, and nothing would stop her. She wouldn’t let it. Her purpose was far too important to let this chance slip away, regardless of how nervous or scared she may have been.
Twenty-six years had passed since Fluttershy met Twilight Sparkle—only one of the many, many friends she had made alongside her. So many years ago, Twilight was still young and studious about everything and anything. She’d had a profound effect on all of her friends, but Fluttershy in particular had taken kindly to her. The same rather withdrawn nature… A similar compassion for others… They were very much the same, in a way, but so different at the same time. It fascinated Fluttershy.
But that one unicorn was really the one pony at all who had changed Fluttershy's life forever.
With her passing, Fluttershy had gained from a gratuitous amount of courage. So many emotions had been held down within her for so long. She had been repressing so much fear and the judgements of others inside, and she had the power to let it make her stronger throughout their relationship, but death seemed to have broken the Pegasus down to molecule size. She vented a thousand tears that Twilight would have wanted to see, and afterwards, she reconfigured her entire life.
After a few weeks of turning every pony against her as she hid in two weeks of total solitary, Fluttershy allowed herself to break the malleable mold she had always retained and let her new perspectives on life guide her in a new direction. Unfortunately, these new iconoclast perceptions of hers eventually led her to believe that society was a sin, and the weak simply would not survive in it. She abandoned everything she loved. She abandoned her very heart and soul. She threw away her Element, that of the legendary kindness capable of soothing the world as well as mending it. She corrupted herself through her transformation.
Fluttershy was presumed to be gone or dead after four simple months of willing solitary confinement inside her cottage. She didn't care for her animals anymore, and they had all left her alone due to neglect and pity. Luckily, they had been nurtured and cared for long enough to live for themselves--on their own.
Fluttershy was now thirty years old... Alone and tired of living her own life, she thought of Twilight even more.
She wanted to see her again...
Fluttershy couldn't bring herself to forget the memory, or any of the ponies associated with it. Nothing would stop her from writing this letter. No matter how hard it became to see through the blurry tears, or power through the pain, she would finish it. She had to.
She shrugged the feelings off as best she could—though it would be only temporary—and dipped her worn quill in the bowl of black ink beside her. Her new words leaked with passion and purpose.
Dear Princess Luna,
I really hope you don't mind me writing to you at this time, but I assume you would be awake at this time anyway. Your moon really is beautiful tonight, as it always is.
Now, please don't be alarmed, but this is Fluttershy. I know nopony has heard from me in a long long time but there's a good reason... and maybe not such a good reason for that. They really go hoof-in-hoof with each other, I feel. The not so good reason is that I've thrown away my Element. And don't take any offense, but it's not like it matters anymore. I've merely given it to somepony else from a future generation, somepony who would be more worthy than me.
However, by letting go of that and everything I've ever come to love, I've also gained the courage to find out who or what I'm really meant to be in this world, since my Cutie Mark doesn't mean anything anymore. Anyway, the reason I'm writing to you this lovely night is rather depressing, but it's something I've been putting all my thought into ever since Twilight's dearly departure.
And it's something I think you of all mares would know about.
Is life just a dream? Is everything we live for, everything we hope for and die for just a figment of our imagination? Are we forever asleep, dreaming of our possible potential? Is it a route we could take, where we experience romance, tragedy, excitement and discovery, only to fork and split back into reality?
I really want to have answers to these questions and more. Twilight's passing left me with so many questions and insights to reflect my life upon. But ever since I woke this morning, I've cried a thousand more tears every time I think about a dream I had last night.
I dreamt about her. I had a dream that took place after she became the magnificent princess she lived to be. She just floated up into the sky, calling out to me and reaching for my hoof. I grabbed onto her and stopped her from ascending for maybe twenty seconds, begging for her to stay after she told me that her time was up. And before she threw me off with her magic, she told me she would see me again soon, then she disappeared into the clouds, higher than any pegasus could fly.
I had to resort to using a bag of bird feed as a pillow when I woke up in the middle of the night, drenched and terrified. The thing was, it felt incredibly real, like I could actually feel her magical grip violently forcing me to let her go.
I'm not sure about you, princess, but I believe that, if two ponies dream about each other, or if a multitude of ponies dream about each other, then they will each be interconnected in the dream, but only as a major appearance. I don't think you could blame me, how I feel that way and all, because I would want nothing more than to have her back.
I wonder if Twilight was dreaming about me last night, whether it be from her blessed sleep, or if she actually is still here with us.
But that's also where it gets confusing. If she is dreaming about me, through either state it may be, then you would agree along with me that she's still alive, right? But with the way my belief conflicts with my desire for it to to be true, I just don't know what to believe when I get too deep into thought about it.
I miss her so much...
Fluttershy took a few moments to herself. She had to keep going. She had to let the truth free, and in doing so, set herself free as well. She was ready to accept her noted belief as a definite truth, and she resolved her will upon it.
I really believe she's here, Luna. It's been years since I've seen her go six feet underground, but if that wasn't real, she's out there somewhere, the in the body we both recognize. But if it was, she could have been reincarnated into a different body. It doesn't matter to me though, because I'm going to find her one way or another. I know she's alive,and I know she wants to find me as well.
I've believed in the algorithm of dreams for as long as I could remember, probably since I could contemplate the kind of thinking needed for it. I know I'm extremely introverted, and maybe it's these kind of theories I come up with that make me a freak or a societal outcast. But, I'm perfectly fine with being stuck with the awful labels from decades ago. And that, along with my infinite, unending desire to find our beloved Twilight, is why I'm going to travel all across Equestria and beyond searching for her, my long lost friend. And it's all going to be by hoof.
I'll traverse bodies of water, scale entire mountains, scour empty plains and towns and cities in desperate retrieval, all driven by my thought-out belief.
If you think I'm wrong, don't be afraid to tell me, because I'm not scared of anything anymore, but I'm going to do this regardless of your answer.
However, I would like to hear from you by sunrise, if possible, because that's when I'm going take part with everything I once loved.
With a final stroke of her quill, Fluttershy heard it snap as she loosened her grip on it. She dragged it off of the parchment and released it, watching it fall apart, leftover ink saturating the surface of her desk. She then went back to her parchment and carefully rolled it up, letting no ink stain it any further. Finally, she moped over to her fireplace and threw her letter inside; as it disappeared with a puff of transparent dark green smoke, it's destination eagerly anticipated.
It was a long and very heartfelt day, fitted into a mere hour. Fluttershy collapsed on her hardwood floor, and a progressively increasing smile etched itself on her face.
She knew she was going to see Twilight in her dreams again.
She was going to find her once more. Once and for all.
The early morning sun hit Fluttershy like a brick to the noggin. It's strongest rays of light made their way to her through a dirty window and between two or three distant trees that towered over her cottage. She looked past the light, as dreadful as it was, to see a flock of geese migrating south for the coming winter. Then she thought about her own 'migration' she promised to commit to not even ten hours ago. She didn't have much to pack, as her saddlebag could only contain so many contents. She packed plenty of provisions she forgot she has as do stashed underneath her couch cushions. Luckily, none were perishable.
She figured that consumables was all she would really need, and she had plenty of money on hoof, as well as in her savings account at the Bank Of Equestria.
With no regrets to hold onto, Fluttershy headed to her front door, ready and willing to leave her life and embark on a new one. She was going to prove herself right and find Twilight alive, for she felt in her new heart and soul that she could still dream.
Fluttershy was an iconoclast, and it wouldn't matter if she killed herself by committing to such a powerful resolve. Because then, she wouldn't need to try and distinguish dreams from reality anymore.
She would be with Twilight again, and she wouldn't have her new life be any other way.