You're So Dead
“Come on,” you mutter as you watch a porn clip you found on the internet. You've taken full advantage of the fact that you haven't been interrupted while masturbating for the past few days. Originally after 'the incident' you thought Luna would return to once again interrupt your glorious moments to yourself. Fortunately, it's been nothing but a solitary experience for you.
You bite your tongue gently as you approach your climax. It's becoming harder to focus as you begin to lose your senses to the magical power of splooging. Your orgasm feels satisfying enough, and you close out the twelve tabs of porn you opened.
“Sweet success,” you say outloud. Nothing makes you feel better than a wholesome orgasm. Now you can take time to work on your paper... or simply look at more funny Vine videos. You choose the Vines.
Within six seconds, not only does the Vine you were looking at end, but so does your joy. Your face feels an impact you haven't felt since your ex-girlfriend slapped you for eyeing another chick. You massage your cheek as you look to find a book in your lap.
Who the hell would throw a book at you... and how? You couldn't have been caught watching porn. Your parents were asleep. You look out of your room anyway and don't see them. Normally you'd think the book fell from a shelf or something, but that was a horizontal hit, and it hit you HARD. That was no accident.
As you walk back towards your room you spot the source of hell right in front of you. It's another pony. You thought you were done seeing these creatures. You have a feeling this is only bad news.
You walk even closer and notice something different about this pony. It's not just her fur and mane color that is different, but she doesn't have that carefree look that Luna had. In fact, she kinda looks angry.
You stop that thought and notice her horn, which begins to glow. You haven't seen that before. You then experience that same pain you went through on your other cheek. You managed to notice that the same glow on the pony's horn happened to also be on your book before it hit your face. You're pretty sure this new pony caused that book to be thrown at eighty-eight miles per hour.
You look back to that pony, about to think of some furious reply, but before you can you notice, the anger in her eyes has only grown. You decide it's best to get out of the area before she smacks you into being a brony. You run out of your room and head down the hallway.
You hear the glass from your window shatter. Okay, now you're pretty fucking terrified. You waste no time grabbing your jacket and shoes. You can hear her hooves clopping against the wooden floors in your house. You begin to sweat as you try to lose her. You open the door and head outside to your backyard. Luckily you live next to a forest, so you shouldn't have much trouble in losing her. You're the hide and seek king, afterall. If anyone knows how to cower in fear and become shamefully unnoticeable, it's you.
God damn it's cold. You retreat back inside your home while whimpering so you can grab you coat. Even though you think this pony may very well kill you, it's safer inside than freezing to death. Freaking fall weather...
You also grab your cell phone and run back out. Maybe you can call the police. Chances are though that she'll just disappear and you'll get in trouble for calling the police on a false notice. Fuck your life.
As you reach the forest, you turn back around to your house. A light flashes through your windows and then you hear a loud crash afterwards. Your parents just so happen to be extremely heavy sleepers, so the only thing this will do is scare you half to death... and cause property damage. You decide now would be a great time to stop staring and take off and run.
You run at lightspeed. You can't believe you're thinking this, but you actually wish it was Luna that showed up to your house. At least she didn't put your life in danger. This pony seems to be either a psychotic killer or just an asshole.
Tight assholes are pretty hot.
No. Nonononono. You just masturbated, you pervert! Sex should be the last thing on your mind. You keep running, trying to stay as far away from that pony as possible.
Suddenly, you hear something that makes you more frightened than ever before. For the first time, you hear the pony's voice... and it's terrifying.
“I WILL FIND YOU!” she shouts in a voice louder than you'd hear in a megaphone. You're definitely leaning towards psychotic killer now. She also sounds a bit older than Luna did.
God damn, maybe there's something appealing to this children's show after all.
You continue to run, grinding your teeth together in the process. It's becoming much harder to hold back your screams. You decide to change paths and run in another direction, hopefully to prevent her from spotting you.
You leap across the roots of trees and fallen branches. Occasionally the leaves will make a loud crunch, each one making you closer to wetting your trousers by the second. You don't notice any animals throughout the forest, either. You find that quite peculiar, but don't think much of it since you need to keep your mind on getting away from the colorful beast.
“AAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!” she shouts in fury. Clearly she's grown more frustrated in struggling to find you. If you didn't think she was going to kill you on the spot, you probably would've shown yourself to her. No time for that however, as you must live with her anger and continue to bolt if you wish to survive.
Unfortunately for you, your stamina begins deplete, and you have a feeling that hers hasn't. You can't run forever. You really wish the phrase 'you can run, but you can't hide' didn't exist.
“You can run, but you can't hide!” she yells.
God damnit. You're not even going to question that. Unfortunately for you, you aren't an olympic athlete. You're going to have to stop running eventually. You have no choice but to look for a hiding spot.
You notice a tree that fell over with a convenient hollow center. It's kind of an obvious hiding spot, but at least it's in the middle of the forest so there's probably dozens of other trees like that one.
You crawl into the hole and slide yourself down the tree trunk. Now you wait.
...and wait.
...and wait...
...and wait...
Good thing you brought your phone with you. It probably isn't safe to come out, so you check to see how your phone is doing.
Damn, half of the battery life is already gone. The forest isn't exactly the best wifi hotspot, either. Guess you don't have much better to do than fall asleep. You try and get into a comfortable position and with some struggling, you manage to fall asleep.
Well, you manage to fall asleep for about thirty minutes. You didn't exactly inherit your parents' heavy-sleeper genes. Also, the demonic colorful pony is closer.
“SHOW YOURSELF!” she screams. Yeah, this isn't going well. At least you haven't pissed yourself yet.
A light flashes through the whole in the tree, much like your house's windows from before. You blink rapidly to adjust your eyes back to normal.
Deciding that she hasn't found you yet, you might as well check the time on your phone. It's a quarter after- hold up. Is... that a wifi signal on your phone?
Strange as it is, your phone is detecting a clear wifi signal. Huh. Now that you think about it, didn't your brony friend once tell you the ponies were made of internet signals? You begin to think back to that conversation you had with him.
You were sitting on your friend's couch playing the latest edition of Mortal Kombat. You were totally beating his ass at it.
“No, dude. The elements of harmony are-” your friend attempted to explain.
“Can't you talk about that gay ass show later? You're making me lose my focus,” you said.
“Look, all I'm saying is that you shouldn't be so ignorant about it,” he continued.
Look, all I'm saying is that you shouldn't be so ignorant about it,” you mocked.
A long amount of silence followed your comment, until your friend decided to speak up once more.
“...asshole.”
...who cares? You have wifi. You begin connect to it and wait. It works! Now you just open up your internet browser. You can look up a solution so you don't die.
Unfortunately for you, it immediately reloads to what you last had opened, which, knowing you, just had to be a porno.
“Fuck me harder!” the pornstar screamed. You could hear the pony move towards you as the porno continues to play from your phone.
As you could've guessed, the tree turns into ashes in an instant, and you fall on the ground. You know you don't have a chance against her, so you don't make an attempt to run. You don't even close the internet browser or even stop the porno. You feel real defeat.
Even though you continue to hear the girl get slammed with the guy's rod, it doesn't even phase you. You just sit and stare at the pony's angry eyes that sent you into a world of fear, wondering when she will stop staring back.
Finally she does something aside from stare at you angrily. Her horn begins to glow, and you close her eyes waiting for her internet powers to kill you...
That moment never comes. You open your eyes to find the pony lifting your phone and staring at it, confused.
“What in Equestria is this?” she asks. You assume you weren't meant to answer the question and stay silent. She begins to move it around with her horn's internet powers, inspecting it.
“This device is very peculiar,” she states. She then brings her head closer down towards you with a very stern look on her face. “How is this used as part of your curse?”
You fall backwards in both fear and confusion. You still have trouble looking her in the eye.
“What do you mean, curse?” you finally ask.
Another moment of silence takes place for a few seconds. For once the look on her face doesn't show even a hint of aggression. Apparently she didn't expect that response from you. She then returns to her stern expression once more.
“If you didn't cause a curse,” the pony continues. “Explain this.”
Her internet powers then open some sort of visual swirly thing... It looks very interesting and quite- oh. It's a portal. It seems to be showing a very large bedroom and you're confused until you see...
“Oh... That's so good.”
Fuck.
“Ahhhhh... Yes, that's the spot.”
It's Luna again, masturbating. You facepalm so hard it almost hurts as much as the books that slammed into your face earlier in the day.
“I-I take it that this isn't a curse,” Celestia says after you remove your hand from your face. Celestia's once bitter facial expression is now one of regret and shame.
“Yes, yes!” Luna continues to moan.
You can't take it anymore. Yes, you admit her voice is kinda hot but this shit needs to end.
“LUNA!” you shout towards the portal.
“Ah?” she halts her moan, confused to hear your voice again. “Is that...”
She looks around and spots the portal. Her eyes beam with joy to see you again.
“Greetings, friend!” she says as she rests her forelegs on top of the lower end of the portal, sticking her head out casually. This must be a normal thing for them.
She then looks around and spots the other pony outside. “Ah, sister! We did not know thou knew of our friend.”
“Sister?” you ask.
“Friend?” Luna's sister asks.
“So, as they say, 'what is in the upward direction?'” Luna continues.
You and Luna's sister simultaneously facepalm... and hoof.
“What exactly were you doing back there?” the white pony asked.
“We told thou already, it was an activity taught to us by our friend here,” Luna points a hoof toward you.
“Yes,” her sister continues. “But what is the activity, exactly?”
“Masturbating!” she states loudly and proudly, with a grin on her face. “It is the most glorious activity, sister. It gives off the most wonderful pleasures a princess could ask for.”
“Pleasures? So you weren't cursed?”
Luna gives off an almost obnoxious laughter. “Tia, thou are so misunderstanding at times. Come through the portal, we shall show thou the art of masturbating! Would thou like to come as well, friend?”
That's your cue to leave. You pick up your phone and place it in your pocket and start heading away.
“I'm out,” you state. You're not about to see horse princess sisters from a children's cartoon rub one out together.
They both look back at you.
“What's his problem?” asked Tia as she continued to watch you walk away.
“Let us merely say... he has been through a lot.”