> Your Human and You: There Armor than One
>  by GordonFreebrony
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Prolouge: Down the HOLY FUCK! hole [REWRITTEN]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meet Richard AKA  Dick, loving referred to as "Turn that racket you call music down, you damned punk!" or, as I like to call him, me. I'm your slightly-above-average college student trying to achieve my Major in Software Development. I enjoy the little things in life, such as pizza, rock music, gaming, relaxation, and beating upon people with duct-taped sticks, the usual stuff.

What? That last one's not normal? Well, I guess I should elaborate.

You see, I'm apart of a group called the SCA, or the Society for Creative Anachronisms. We recreate the medieval periods, from about 600-1600 ACE. Everything from the arts and sciences to music and dance. However, my favorite part is the European swordplay and war maneuvers. We use real armor and facsimilie swords (rattan wrapped in duct-tape) as well as shields, polearms, axes, bows, siege engines, the whole schpiel. We follow certain rules and procedures mainly for safety, but yeah.

My kit itself weighs over a hundred pounds, about a hundred and twenty with my shield. I have a steel 'open-face' helm, with bars welded to the front to protect my face. It's the easiest helmet to use, because it allows the most visibility and air movement. I have a steel gorget which goes over my tabard, a steel breastplate that goes from just under my gorget to just in front of and below the top of my leather kidney/arming belt. Under the breastplate I wear a knee-length chainmail tunic, and under that a padded gambeson. On my sword arm I have an upper and lower steel bracer, with a steel elbow cap on both arms. My hands were in custom leather gloves, which were inside full steel gauntlets. I had steel pauldrons on my shoulders, and leg pieces that went from the bottom of my hip to my ankles, with a joint at the knee, almost encasing my legs in steel. I wore a cup and a half skirt of scale around my hip. I wore medieval leather boots on my feet, save for the steel I inserted to reinforce it. Don't want broken toes now, do I? I also had a large heater shield with a Mr. Yuck face on it, sticking it's tongue out as a taunt to the enemy. 

Speaking of the SCA, I was currently standing on the battlefield, my whole unit around me, I was in the front rank, ready to crash into the opposing unit and hopefully break their ranks. There were about a thousand people on the battlefield at the moment, broken into two armies, further broken down into units. The horn blared out, signalling the start of the battle. The standardbearer of our group gave us a diagonal shift left, forward march command, and we followed along behind. The distance between the two armies shrunk, one of their units moving to match us. Our bearer signaled a stop, waiting as the rest of the army was in line, before finally giving out the order of 'CHARGE!' Letting out a war cry, I ran forward, careful to match my speed to those in the shield wall around  me. The distance between our units shrank, their line now twenty feet away. Ten. Five. Heart pumping, I prepared to crash, steeling myself to crouch and turn all my energy into breaking their lines, but then the ground beneath me literally disappeared. I had the briefest flash of the face of the guy I would've crashed against, before I was swallowed by darkness. 

"HOOLLYYY FUUUUUCCCKKK!!!" I screamed as I fell,  until my scream suddenly cut off, along with a strange tingly sensation in my neck. Then I began screaming again, though this time it was much more animalistic, as if I was being burnt alive. Then the darkness abruptly ended, giving me another brief flash, this time of green, before I landed heavily on the ground belly down. 

 Ow I attempted to say, hearing no sound accompanying the thought. What the fuck? I tried. Nothing. I'm... I'm mute?!?!?! I asked myself. Needless to say, I was a bit upset about that. Upset enough that I forgot for a moment my current predicament, which was complete and utter unfamiliarity with the environment. After a few few minutes of silent fuming and self-pity, I finally looked around. I appeared to be in a well manicured area, tall bushes surrounding me in perfect rectangular fashion.

Wow, whoever owns this place must be obscenely rich, or have an insane amount of time on their hands. I chose a random direction and started walking. I met a fork no less than twenty feet later. It was about this time that I realized I must be in a maze or something. Shrugging, I took the left fork, continuing on my merry way, my armor clanking. 

Now, you may be asking yourself why the hell I wasn't panicking. Truth be told, I was. But six years of battle scenarios had helped me find a place to store my panic so I could think logically. I was currently scared shitless, but I kept that locked in some far away corner of my brain. 

Fifteen minutes and half a mental breakdown later, I found what I hoped was the exit. Making my way towards the archway, I saw a large expanse of lawn and garden, all leading up to the most magnificent palace I had ever laid eyes on. At that point, I deduced I was in a coma, probably from heatstroke or something. That maze was probably some psychological bull shit about how I was abused as a child but forgot about it. (I wasn't, but I was pulling shit from my ass to make sense to my brain) 

A voice rang out, all authoritative and business. "Stop right there, creature!" I turned, and immediately thought Yup, coma. Definitely. because standing right about my waist level were two white, armored horses wielding spears. Upon seeing my face, they shifted into a defensive stance, raising their spears. 

"Go tell the Captain that we have an armed and armored human" One of them said to the other. The second one nodded, unfurling wings that had been hidden by its side and flying off at top speed. Yup. Wings. I shook my head, hoping that I had missed it. Nope, still had wings, still flying.

"Okay, little guy." The horse  still with me said, advancing slowly, spear still raised. "I won't hurt you. Shhh... shh... There's a good human." It was as if he thought he was talking to a dog. 

I snorted, causing him to jerk for a moment, and gave him my best 'Are you serious?" face. I mean, come on. I'd been called stupid before, but a horse treating me like an animal? That just takes the cake. I so wished I wasn't mute now, so I could throw out some sarcastic response, but alas. 

The horse took another step closer. He was now in spear range. I shuffled backward, switching into a defense posture, my shield raised. The horse quivered, taking a few steps back. It was at this point I realized it was scared of me. As it should be! a voice in my head thought,  There's a reason Man is top of the food chain! 

I kept myself in my defensive posture, not willing to test my armor on real weapons just yet. A commotion behind the horse, however, took my attention away and to the distance, where I saw at least twenty others, some flying, some levitating weapons, and some with nets, all rushing over to my spot. Behind me I heard more noises. Sidestepping the horse in front of me, I turned so I could keep all known threats in my view at once. I was good to do so.A net came flying past me, ensnaring the horse that had been in front of me in its folds.

I retreated a little bit, the horse that threw the net stepping forward, a sword in its hooves. How that was even possible escaped me, while it swung  a wild swipe at my head. I blocked easily with my shield, sending a reply that put a sizeable dent in his helmet and dropped him to the ground. Turning again, I was just able to block a spearthrust from the group that I had first seen. 

The next challanger approached me in a more sensible manner: With a large group of spearmen er... spearhorses. This time, I didn't give them a chance to attack. I rushed suddenly, knocking aside a spear with my sword and dropping low enough to hit them with the center of my shield. The half dozen horse things went flying, spears clattering uselessly to the ground. The rest of their force gathered together and retreated, giving me some breathing room. In the respite that I had, I looked down upon one of the creatures that I had given a solid smack with my sword and saw that its helm had a massive dent in it. Too massive for the helm to have been made out of any worthwhile metal. The color indicated gold, but that was probably the most useless material to make armor out of. Heavy, soft, easily dented. Why wold they-

My ruminations were cut short as a horse speared right under my distracted guard and rammed into my chestplate, bending me nearly double. I quickly did a half-spin and disengaged, backing off while I let the pain dissipate slightly. I knew I would havew a bruise there in the morning. 

Once again my thoughts were cut short as a large unicorn stepped forward, two swords floating next to it. The light from the sun glinted off of them, allowing a flame-like apparition to appear on the blades. I had no time to spare a thought to how they floated, instead rushing forward to try to catch him off guard. Unfortunately for me, he was expecting my tactic and neatly sidestepped, laying the twin blades across my back with brutal force. I cried out in pain, picking my shield up and spinning to face him in the same motion. And it was that which saved me, because the two swords slammed into my shield right where my neck would have been. I saw a flicker of doubt in my opponent's eyes as he saw the blades skate off the shield, and I took that to my advantage, lashing out with my own sword, which still amounted to nothing more than a large stick. It was nonetheless effective, slamming into the foreleg of my opponent and sending him reeling in pain. 

I faced two more of these horses in single combat, the rest of their group staying back for some reason. Both were relatively easy to dispatch, or, rather, injure enough that they crawled away. However, as I struck the last one down, another ran foreward and slammed it's spear upon my head. The blow was so hard it sent me to my knees, head spinning. Before I had a chance to react, I felt another impact, and then nothing.


[/hr]

I awoke lying on something cold. And metallic. And for some reason it was swaying. I groaned, my head feeling as if someone had steamrollered it. Then mugged it. Then shot it multiple times, brought it back to life with electo-shock therapy, then used it as a football. And now that same person was beating it with a lemon. Wrapped around a large, gold brick. 

I goraned again, slowly waking up my systems one by one. Then, finally, my higher-reasoning system deduced I was naked. And proceeded to shout at my face. 

How much did I drink last night? I thought feeling like I had the worst hangover in the history of hangovers. I slowly opened my eyes, grateful for the low-light of the room I was in. Finally, my brain started to process the visual input it was receiving, and I saw two huge blue eyes, each one the size of a dinnerplate. I screamed, flailing backwards until I hit what felt like jail bars. I covered myself, leaning against the bars while the swaying feeling intensified. I opened my eyes again, and saw the being that belonged to the eyes. It was a pale green horse, with a brown mane and a horn, wearing a labcoat. The horn was glowing, and next to the unicorn was what looked like a tape recorder. 

I groaned as I remembered what happened last night. It would explain the bruise I had across my stomach, as well as the ones I could feel across my back and thighs.. At least the headache lessened in light of my situation I thought with the barest hint of dark humor. I also noticed I was in a cage suspended over some sort of pit. I could see the bottom of it below me, about twenty feet down. Next to my cage was a smaller cage made with wire mesh, almost like a shark cage. Looking left and right, I could see more cages, each one with a human in it, each one with some horse or horse-like myth next to it. 

"Starting Log on Subject 447 dash Q3C, codename Ulrich. Current date is 3455 CLR, May 25, " I looked up as I heard my SCA name. They must have looked through my stuff and found my fighter's card. It had my SCA name on it, though I bet they couldn't figure out much else. "Dr. Melody Song observing. Subject has just awoken, and appears to be in a state of fear. Large musculature and abnormal height suggests it was bred for its purpose, which, while currently unproven, is suspected to be some form of combat animal." Wait. I was being... studied? "Furthermore, abnormal tooth structure suggests it requires a diet high in meat and and proteins, will submit a request to the Board at next opportunity. Subject has yet to show aggressive tendencies towards myself or the bars of its confinement, unlike other subjects brought in under similar circumstances. It suggests either training or a familiarity with cages, and both options are rather worrisome in their aspects."

I also notice that, despite injuries across its body, it still moves in a relatively fluid motion  implying that it has suffered similar injuries many times before, which leads to an even worse assumption, that this human was or is a part of the human fighting rings. Hopefully, this is not the case, as its current behavior tends to suggest. Further study is required. I will now begin to lower the human into its new habitat and observe its behavior forthright."

Suddenly, the cage I was in started to lower into the pit. A minute or so later, it reached the bottom, and the gate swung open, releasing me into a surprisingly spacious room. Three of the walls were blank and perfectly flat, while the fourth was curved and had a small waterfall going down it made to look natural. Grass grew around the  pool that formed at the bottom.  Most of the rest of the floor was dirt, though a small strip of concrete at the far end showed it was completely artificial. A small alcove against the curved wall looked like it would serve as a bed, and a small tree shaded the area near it from the sun-like light source above. The whole place looked like a zoo exhibit, minus the windows.

I turned and saw the shark cage like thing in the air near my cage, the horse named Dr. Song inside it. "Subject shows curiosity about environment, which is a good sign. Hopefully it will accept its surroundings." She said. I ignored her and moved towards the water fall, trusting that it was filtered. Using my hands, I cupped some water before sipping it, and boy, was it the best water I had had in a while. 

"Subject shows trained 'manners' when drinking, using hands like one would a cup, instead of the usually crawl to drink from the pool itself. This needs further study."

I looked up at the 'shark cage' curiously, wondering why the hell my 'behavior' is so abnormal. You'd think people who are apart of a race that reached the fucking moon would be more likely to drink water with their hands when sans a cup. 

"The human also appears to be comfortable around ponies, which is strange considering the reports of the guards it first came into contact with. Perhaps it should be tested for Safe Pony Contact at some future point."

The next few hours continued in the same manner, with me doing whatever while the horse... pony... observed me. At one point, a slot in the wall across from the curved wall opened and a bowl was pushed through. When I inspected it, I found what looked like doggy kibbles and an apple. I ate the apple quickly, but the 'kibbles' I left, not quite trusting them. After an hour of it sitting there, the bowl was enveloped in a light pink field and removed through the same slit in the wall. 

Finally, the unicorn said something about overnight surveillance and flashed her horn with a strong green glow, and an answering glow appeared in the far corner of the room. When I shot a glance into the corner, I saw a large green crystal there, pulsing slowly with a light green light. Then the unicorn raised both cages, sealing off the pit as she did so. The artificial sun winked out, replaced with dim lighting from a facsimile moon and stars in the roof. I turned and gave the finger to the camera-like crystal in the corner, before gathering my wits and slowly walking over to the bed-like alcove, hoping that this was just a particularly vivid dream.  
> Chapter 1: Royally Screwed... Almost [REWRITTEN]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I woke up, I was met by the stone ceiling of my little alcove bed thing. I sighed, having really hoped that this was all some whacked-out lucid dream. It's just too realistic, I thought to myself, trying to accept the apparent reality around me. Which was rather little if I do say so myself. I could see that the 'sun' had not been turned on yet; the 'moon' still giving the barest of light to the somewhat spacious room.

I started thinking about that strange levitation the unicorns from earlier had expressed. There's  no way that could be possible, aside from the useless explanation of 'magic.' Perhaps... No, that defies Newton's laws, and... uggh... This can't be possible. I... I'll just. NGghh...Wait, why the hell am I questioning that of all things, when there are fucking talking ponies around me? I asked myself, If it wasn't for the pain in my stomach, I'd swear this was a coma. I don't know. Fuck it, I'm accepting everything I see now as how the world works to avoid a breakdown. I'll just say I fell into a black hole and entered another dimension. Makes about as much sense as anything else, so there I go. Now shut it, brain. 

My internal monologue was interrupted by a pressing need from my bowels. I clenched, wondering why the hell I didn't feel any warning signs. I looked around the dimly lit room, hoping to find somewhere to dump my load. Of course, there wasn't even a depression. Just the square room. Stumbling over to the corner with the camera-crystal, I squatted on the concrete strip, releasing the crap from my system. I looked around, before moving over to the tree and ripping off a few leaves. Back in the corner, I wiped myself, dropping the leaves on top of the pile. 

I shrugged, moving back towards my alcove, when suddenly the 'sun' was lit up. I groaned, throwing up a hand in front of my face. Why did they have to make it so bright? I thought, blinking to get used to the light. After a minute or so, I continued to walk to the alcove, this time getting within sitting distance when the cage overhead started to rattle as it was lowered. 

I sighed, walking back towards the center of the room to wait for it to finish its descent. A couple seconds later it bumped onto the floor of the room. Inside was another bowl with an apple and some kibbles inside. A low grubling filled the room as I realized that I was incredibly hungry. I had just put a foot into the cage when I realized something. This looks oddly like a trap to get me into the cage again. I thought. Why else would the food be put in the cage as opposed to going through the slot it came from before? Stepping back, I briefly considered what to do before I laid down on my stomach and crawled until I could just reach the food, where I proceeded to save the food from the grasp of the cage. 

I then took my prize back to my alcove, as a frustrated sigh echoed down the hole, the cage starting to rise again. I shrugged, happy that I had achieved this small victory. I bit into the apple when I heard a door opening behind me.  I turned, only to see a large tan unicorn standing there, seemingly frozen, with a scoop and a bucket held in its... 'grasp.'

I stood there, staring at it while it stared at me. Slowly, I took a bite from the apple, which somehow made the unicorn more nervous and drop the bucket with a clang. Just then, the green unicorn from before, Dr. Song, galloped to the door. "I hope you didn't go into the...." She began as she approached the door, "...habitat." She finished, standing in the doorway. 

"Uhhh... I th-thought it w-w-was supposed to b-be in the c-cage..." The tan unicorn said, fear evident in its voice.

"It was." Dr. Song replied. "Just.... Just back away slowly, and I'll close the door. Ok?"



"I d-don't kn-know if I c-can trust myself to m-move right now." he replied. At that moment, I realized I had an opportunity in my hands. 

"Look, I'll count to three and then we'll move, alright?"

"Uh-huh."

"One."

The tan unicorn gulped. 

"Two..."

"I'm not certain that I'm ready!" The unicorn replied while the pitch of his voice went high. 

I saw Dr. Song start forming the word "Three" and I took off like a rocket, juping over the Tan unicorn and Dr. Song, doing a quick roll to negate the force of y landing. I leapt to my feet, turning and sprintign off. I could just barely see that I was in some long hallway, doors just like the one on my cage. I just kept running, my bare feet slapping upon the concrete. I saw some stairs pass me on my left, and I quickly turned around and bolted for them. Not a moment later a bright flash of green light flew past crackling with energy. Taking the stairs four at a time (hey, they were tiny stairs), I hit two landings before reaching another exit, level with the cages.

I also saw a metric fuckton of other horses, each one gaping at me.I stared back, frozen. A shout from below broke the trance, and I turned and ran while the horses scrambled to stop me. I just barreled past them, slamming into a set of wooden doors at the end of the hallway. Barely pausing to register my bruises flaring up, and a new set telling me they were gonna form, I ran  down the new hallway I was in, red carpet soothing my feet as I flashed past huge stained glass windows. I could here the veritable stampede behind me, and I poured on as much speed as I could. I flashed past other doors, before finally hanging a right on a branching hallway and running smack-dab into a massive white unicorn with a multi-colored mane that flew in some invisible wind. 

I immediately fell upon my ass while the unicorn... no, the pegasus... pegacorn? It had wings and a horn... And for some reason a sun on it's ass... anyway, this massive pegacorn barely even moved, eying me with curiosity and some slight annoyance. I quickly backed up to the wall, still on my ass.  This thing just radiates power and authority. Especially if a full body check by me doesn't even sway it. I thought, while it bared down on me.

"Why hello there." She--the voice could only belong to a female-- said in a motherly and disarming tone.  "What are you running from, little one?" 

Then the stampede of ponies rounded the corner, all of them hastily stopping and falling upon their knees as they saw the white one. 

"Princess!" Dr. Song yelled from the head of the pack, sliding on the carpet as she tried to stop. She managed to recover mere feet from the princess, hastily groveling in what I assumed was a bow. "Excuse me, your highness, I am sorry about this, but a human just escaped, and we're trying to hunt it down."

Hold on, did she say Princess? I thought, heart beating rapidly from my little spot on the wall. Shit, I just attacked Royalty I should probably get out of here now while they are distracted. I gathered my wits, standing up and turning to move. Almost immediately I saw this gold  aura surrounding me, as a tingling sensation surrounded my body. 

"Could this be the human?" The princess asked, horn glowing as she hefted me back. 

"Oh, thank you princess. I assure you this won't happen again." Dr. Song said. 

"It is no bother, as long as he didn't hurt anypony." The princess replied.

"Oh, no he didn't, your highness." Dr. Song said. She waved a hoof at the ponies behind her, and they all dispersed. "He did give myself and a janitor quite a fright. He's the most interesting human I've had to work with. He seems much more intelligent than his fellows, and he is certainly... different in other ways."

"Indeed." the princess said starting to walk down the hallway Dr. Song following, "In fact, he reminds me of a human I just sent to my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. I take it you are studying him, Dr..."

"Song, your majesty." Dr. Song supplied.

"Song. A lovely name. Anyway, I assume you are studying him and are his handler, am I correct?" the princess asked.

"Yes, in a way, your highness." Dr. Song answered. 

"Well, then, I would appreciate it if you could send me a copy of your research. Something about this one intrigues me."

"Of course, your highness."

"Well, here you go." The princess said, sending a beam of golden light towards me, giving me yet another headache. "Oh... That's strange. My stunning spell didn't work. Unless... is he the one the guards brought in yesterday. Is that the one?"

"Well, yes princess. I've not been able to determine much so far, but from what I've heard from the guards the direct spells do not work on him. I was planning on starting testing today with a few simple indirect spells, and maybe even some environmental ones too."

At the word spell, my mind seemed to shut down. I had already thought that 'magic' was the cause of the levitation I had seen in other unicorns, but it was a complete impossibility. Yet it would explain the multi-colored energy bolts I had seen when I first made 'contact' with the ponies. But magic is impossible! My brain continued to fight with itself, even going so far as to create a full-scale civil war until a large, cold something impacted my rear and shocked my senses into working again. I decided then and there to just accept what I had heard in lieu of a full mental breakdown.

I looked up from my position and saw I was back in the cage, and Dr. Song was once again in the little area for working that was in front of each pony's human cage, also holding that recording thing, which she started.

"Continuing earlier log. Due to unforeseen actions, Subject had escaped the habitat and started a chase. He only ran and did not attack as other humans have shown want to do when being chased. An encounter with Princess Celestia stopped the chase and put the subject back into containment. This also allowed a dual field test of the subject's apparent spell affinity, or lack thereof, proving that at least levitation works on him, while even the Princess's powerful stunning spell had no effect. My own personal experience carrying him proved no different than carrying a similarly sized human. 

End observational of accidental field test."

Begin observation of indirect spell test, shield spell first. I will be using an apple, wrapped in a small shield as a base test." Her horn glowed brighter, and a small apple flew into the cage, before being covered in a more opaque, perfectly spherical green aura. I gave her an 'Is-this-supposed-to-impress-me?' look. 

"Subject shows disinterest with apple. Hmmm... Oh, I know, This time I'll use the new 'human-treats' that Hum-mart is producing. Now I know Rosebud left a bag around here somewhere..."

Ugghhh.... Is that a pun from Pets-mart? I thought, groaning inwardly. I barely even noticed Dr. Song as she turned and rummaged through some cupboards, nor did I notice when she pulled out a large, yellow bag. I did notice, however, when she pulled out a large strip of what looked like perfectly cooked bacon. Actual bacon. I started salivating almost immediately, and my stomach followed up with a grumbling chorus that told of my own hunger. I watched with rapt attention as the bacon was lowered into the cage and wrapped in another, perfectly spherical green ball.

Looking at my feet, there was my prize, the strip of perfectly cooked bacon, looking fresh off the grill, with delicious fat still dripping from it. The only problem was the small green ball it was encased in. It almost looked radioactive. 

But bacon! my mind countered. I decided that, fuck it, I'll play her games for the bacon. I reached down, fingers just inches from the bacon, when I touched the ball. It grew slightly brighter, sending a small shock up my arm. I tried again, this time grasping the ball between my hands. Once more shocks traveled up my arms, but it didn't hurt enough to stop me. I knelt down, holding the ball in my hands before trying to crack it like an egg. 

Nothing happened. I tried harder, hitting the floor of the cage with enough force to rattle the bars. Still nothing, other than a quick bright flash.

I could hear Dr. song making more observations, but I ignored her, this time trying to twist it apart. But to no avail. I MUST HAVE THIS BACON!

"The shield spell seems to work. I will try indirect elemental magic next." Dr. Song's voice broke in. I ignored her again, this time trying to squeeze the ball to death, only for it to disappear from my hands and drop the delicious bacon into my awaiting palms. Greedily, I shoved it into my mouth, doing my best impersonation of a T-Rex devouring it's prey. It was the best piece of bacon I had ever had. Then my nose twitched.

I could smell another piece of bacon already, though a cursory glance showed me that it was behind a literal, if small, firewall. 

Fire. Fire is hot. Fire burns. the sarcastic side of my brain said, overpowering the want for the bacon behind it.  I could feel the heat of this fire, and I moved to the back of the cage. 

I gave a 'are-you-fucking-serious-bitch?' face to the unicorn controlling the fire, and she flashed the spell out of existence. I rushed forward and grabbed the now-slightly-charred bacon, wincing and rushing back as my feet encountered the hot metal on that side of the cage. 

It continued on like this for about an hour, the unicorn putting a piece of irresistible bacon in the cage and surrounding either it or me with some spell. Almost all of them seemed to 'work' except for what she called direct spells. From what I could gather, I was immune or resistant to these 'direct spells' and they were the ones that used me as the 'anchor.' I roughly translated that to Magic the Gathering logic, i.e. I had Shroud- Cannot be the target of spells or abilities. Keyword being 'target.'

Finally, I was let back down into the habitat for the night, a small bowl of kibbles and an apple in the room already. Once more I ate the apple, and hunger drove me to try the 'kibbles' too. I hadn't eaten enough of the bacon to truly fill my stomach, and with all the physical activity I had been doing I needed more food. Surprisingly, they weren't bad, tasting somewhat like chicken, but they were bone-dry. 

I took it philosophically, knowing that it would at least keep me alive.



The next two days passed somewhat quickly, the most notable thing being when Dr. Song took my temperature and panicked almost immediately. Apparently, 98.7 is a massive fever and I should have been dead two hours before. It had actually been amusing to see all the ponies that had heard Dr. Song running around in a near-panic, until eventually a light-blue coated one calmed everyone down with the logic that I was most assuredly a different breed and the high temperature did not seem to impede me at all. 

The third day, however, I was awoken to find Dr. Song already in the 'shark-cage' and talking about some sort of 'sexual drive' test. I didn't like the sound of that. 

After I had eaten breakfast, more kibbles and another apple, I saw one of the two blank walls turn transparent.  On the other side was a habitat just like mine, holding a petite woman about my age who was also nude. I noticed she seemed to be curious of the wall itself, and then she saw me. Her eyes widened, before she walked forward and pressed against the wall, seeming to rub up and down it. 

Uhhh... I thought, mind growing blank as I felt a bit of something stirring. Then the wall just disappeared. The woman pressed herself against me, actually managing to push me back a little bit, before she walked back over into her habitat and bent over, fully revealing herself to me. Almost immediately, I felt my friend downstairs give her a wave, and my mind just checked out for a second. I had actually stepped forward, before I shook myself and backed quickly away. I'm in a relationship, thank you very much! I thought to myself, suddenly growing melancholy as I thought of my girlfriend, Heather. She was back at college, unable to attend the event that I had went to. I briefly wondered what she was doing right now, until Dr. Song's voice interrupted again. 

"...bject shows little interest in mating, despite obvious arousal in both him and the female." Dr. Song's voice cut in. "Perhaps a health defect, or perhaps training had been implemented. End Sexual Drive test."

Dr. Song's cage lifted out of the habitat, leaving me alone with my thoughts, until, an hour or so later, it came back down, carrying Dr. Song again. 

"Aggressiveness test versus another male human beginning. Starting with known territorial male."

Wait... What did she just say? I asked myself, watching as the other wall disappeared. 

Once more I was treated to a view of another habitat much like mine, although this one seemed abandoned save for the toys littered everywhere. I cast a curious glance at Dr. Song, before entering this new area. I wandered around, ending up near the tree when I almost tripped on something. Picking it up, I saw it was a small blue ball with pink polka dots. 

A low growl was the only warning I got before a heavy form slammed into me from above. I hit the ground with a loud thump, winded, the weight still on my back and growling, pulling the ball from my weakened grasp. The human on my back let out a happy little whimper, but still remained upon me. I caught my breath, tensing and then twisting, putting the human onto the ground before pulling him into a quick pin. I felt him growl and start to thrash, but I held firm. After a few minutes, he stopped, whining like a beaten dog.

I held on for another minute, but a green light suffused me, pulling me back into my habitat.

"Subject shows extreme restraint and even temperament, though still holds himself as an alpha. I suspect that he was a wild human since trained, and was the leader of his pack. I will hold off on the third and fourth tests, while the adjacent humans are switched and fed."

Her shark cage retreated into the ceiling, and silence followed. 


[/hr]
An hour later the another bowl of kibbles plopped into my cage from the feed slot. I eagerly dug into the piss-poor meal, hunger getting the better of me. Ruefully, I wished for some form of cooked meat, preferably a steak. Or even more bacon. Sadly, my unspoken requests were not fulfilled, and I just sat in my alcove again, contemplating life. 

A few minutes later, the wall that led to the toy-room slid down again, accompanied by the lowering shark cage. Inside was a slightly different habitat, with a sandy grain instead of dirt, and a small oasis like thing near the pool and waterfall.I stood up to inspect this new area and noticed that inside was a medium-sized ebony man that looked like one of the tribalists from Africa. I also noticed that the rumors about black men's privates were true, but I filed that away in the 'I-will-forget-this-entirely' folder of my brain. 

The man noticed me instantly, immediately puffing out his chest and trying to look intimidating. I took a step back as he walked ever faster towards me, readying a defensive stance and lowering my center of gravity. I kept my arms down but ready.

The man got right into my face, huffing out of his nose much as I would expect a lion to when challenged for leadership. I stared right back into his brown eyes unflinchingly. He would have stood just under my height, but he was walking on the balls of his feet, giving himself an extra four inches, and I was slightly crouched. 

After a pregnant pause, he huffed again, pushing his face into mine. I pushed back, straining my neck muscles much as he was his. This lasted for about a minute, both of us evenly matched, until he huffed one last time and, turning,  walked back to his habitat. 
That was... strange. I thought to myself. I heard Dr. Song making even more observations to her recording device. I ignored her, choosing instead to go lie down in my alcove. 



The rest of the week passed in much the same way, with seemingly random tests either involving the cage for 'close observation' or the pit for miscellaneous tests involving humans, toys, spells, and even different 'treats.' However, at the end of the week, the cage rumbled down from above,  followed by excited yips.

"Begin final test before intentional pony contact is permitted." Dr. Song said as she descended. 

A small clang announced the cage had finished descending, and the door swung open, releasing a small, excited dog. Which instantly ran over to me, barking at me, licking at my shins. I cracked a tiny grin, the excitable puppy warming my heart. I playfully petted it, then started lightly swatting the side of it's head. IT nipped at my fingers, but I got the other side. Soon it was playing along, and I would have been laughing like a maniac had I not been currently imprisoned. At least it helped to distract me. 

At one point the dog bit my finger, hard. It hurt like a bitch and I yelped, causing a small gasp from the shark cage while Dr. Song leaned forward. 

I ignored her and instead cradled my finger, the dog still trying to play with me. I patted the dog with my uninjured hand, and resumed tending to my finger. At least it didn't draw blood I thought while Dr. Song took the dog back into the cage and brought both hers and the dog's up above again. She said something along the lines of 'Cleared for contact' but I wasn't really paying attention. 

I was left alone for the rest of the day, quite literally staring off into space while I fought off the boredom that was invading my mind. 

Around the time I started to get hungry, however, the door across from me opened, admit Dr. Song and a bowl of food. The door clicked shut behind her, while she placed the food in the middle of the room and backing away. I looked up at her, before approaching the bowl. Inside was what looked like a steak.

"C'mon, boy. You deserve something special now. It's all yours." Dr. Song said. 

Finally, something worth eating! I thought as I began to tear into the delicious meal. After I had polished off most of it, I considered showing my intelligence to the unicorn, but I dismissed the idea because of two reasons. One: She was a scientist, and, judging by what scientists would do to sentient dog or cat back home, I didn't think I'd like her response, and two: I had absolutely no idea how to go about communicating anyway. So I decided to play the animal once more.

The unicorn stayed with me for another hour or so, sometimes just talking out loud to me in the same manner I did to my dog before she passed on. At one point, she left, returning with a small basket of 'toys' including a tug-of-war rope and a ball. I played along with her more out of boredom than desire to do so, and she seemed to relax. During the last fifteen or so minutes, she flopped down to the ground, pulling off the labcoat she was wearing. I saw she had the image of a bipedal figure jumping through hoops on her ass. 

It reminded me of a cartoon of a lion tamer. 


[/hr]
The next week passed much the same as the first, tests and what not sent my way, measuring everything from intelligence to strength, and during breaks Dr. Song would come in and 'play' with me. I was introduced to new humans of every type, timid, aggressive, huge, tiny. The entire time I played the dumb animal. 

On my twelfth night, however, something different happened. I had fallen asleep rather quickly that day, having gone through an endurance test involving treadmills and more bacon, and could not have felt more exhausted afterwards. However, during the night I was awoken by the sound of the door opening. I feigned my sleep, thinking it was probably some new observation or something. I heard hoofsteps come closer, the pony breathing heavily as if they had just run a marathon.

"Oh my, what a specimen." a snobbish, masculine voice breathed out. Yup, some damned scientist observing me. "This will certainly be interesting." A small flash of light and a headache later, I could feel his hooves touching my chest, feeling my muscles. His hooves traveled lower, and it took all my self control not to sit up and scare the shit outta him. After all, he was just a scientist, right?

"Oh, and he's certainly gifted... I will really enjoy this" I heard him say, his hoof touching my genitals. At that moment I lost every shred of self control. My left arm snapped up, my palm smacking directly into his muzzle as I twisted and shot to my feet. During that time, the stallion fell backwards and emitted a shriek that would not have gone misplaced on a small child. 

"Why you damn animal." He spat out, blood pouring from his nose. He had a white coat with a blonde mane, and an ass tat of what looked like a compass rose. I could just faintly see something that looked suspiciously like a 'fun-stick' dangling between his back legs. He stood up furiously, his horn starting to glow. 

I ended that by rushing forward and grabbing his horn, before shoving his face into the dirt. He followed up with a swift uppercut to my chest with his forelegs, leaving what would definitely become a bruise. I still held on, however, and elbowed his back, hard. He screamed again, and I started to hear a commotion above me. I kicked the stallion away, hearing something crack as I did. 

The unicorn spat out blood, turning and charging at me. I neatly sidestepped, sending him crashing into the wall. I kept my defensive stance, ready and waiting for what was to come. I didn't expect a rock to come flying out of now where and embed itself into my hand, though. I yelled out, the wound being particularly painful.

Distracted by my pain, the unicorn charged back towards me. This time I kneed him in the face before jumping on top of him and grinding him into the dirt. Then the door burst open and a half dozen of those guards rushed in, literally beating me off of the unicorn.

"Prince Blueblood!" One of the guards said, "Are you alright, sir?"

Oh fuck. I just assaulted royalty. Again. I thought, 	backing way into a corner as the guards kept their spears trained on me. 

"Of course I'm not you imbecile!" Blueblood berated, "Now take me from here at once. Once I've recovered I will personally see to it  that this human is euthanized."

Oh double fuck me with a sideways cactus. I thought upon hearing that.

"Yes, Prince Blueblood." 

The group quickly left, leaving me to sit in the dark, terrified of tomorrow. 

> Chapter 2: A Crateful of Fun [REWRITTEN]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celestia sighed, planting her face into the pile of papers in front of her. She had been up for almost three weeks now, a full four days more than usual, but had made up for it with plans to sleep today. Unfortunately, Blueblood ruined that, barging into her quarters and demand she sign papers for the euthanization of some human. 

In her wise and motherly way, she told him to 'Piss off' and come get her tomorrow. At which point he began whining and pleading.

Slamming her face into her desk a few more times, she picked up the incident report again. 

...overloaded horn... … four broken ribs... bruised snout... concussion...

Why didn't the Doctor add in bruised ego? Celestia thought to herself, snorting at the idea.

According to the report, Blueblood had been 'asked' to inspect the human by a member of the staff, one that had also been suspected of putting urine in Blueblood's wine one morning as well, and then was attacked the moment he stepped into the habitat. However, said staff member had a solid alibi for being at home with his parents at the time. In fact, he had started his vacation at noon the previous day. On top of that, Celestia knew of Blueblood's... hobbies, and knew what was most likely to have really happened. 

Unfortunately for the human, the only word to go on was Bluebloods, and the guards that rushed in upon hearing the commotion, and since the human did attack Blueblood, certain laws had to be upheld. If only...

A rushed knocking interrupted her thoughts, followed by someone muttering “stupid stupid stupid” before knocking at a much more normal tempo.

“Enter.” Princess Celestia said, casting a quick spell to straighten her bedraggled, yet still majestically flowing, mane and hide her bags.

“Princess, please forgive me.” Dr. Song said, bowing low, “but....  I just... Well... I know youranallpowerfulgoddess,butIjustcan'tlose the human,pleasedon'tsignhisdeathwarrant!”

Celestia raised her brow at Dr. Song, which prompted an embarrassed smile from the now-timid doctor.  Taking a breath, she continued at a slightly slower speed.

“It's just, he's the most amazing human I've ever seen! He's intelligent, to a degree, he shows compassion, he shows restraint, I didn't even know it was possible to train humans so well. I mean, he did what he did to the guards, yet showed no aggression towards me! From a scientific standpoint, every human I've ever seen that was trained to do anything near those feats was always aggressive afterwards. Even his lifethreads* are different. Just barely enough to declare him a subspecies of human! It's simply, well, amazing! He even has part of a sequence only found in known sapient species! It's not complete, but it could show a crucial step for human sapience, if such a thing were possible! Please don't kill him, princess! Please!”

Celestia waited while Dr. Song caught her breath, silently marveling at how much her ponies could say in one small breath. A moment later, Dr. Song was looking hopefully up at Celestia. 

Sighing, Celestia bent down to the doctor's tear-streaked face, seeing the worry laced through her features.  “You have established quite a bond with him, have you not my little pony?” Celestia asked.

“Yes, princess. He's... well.... He has made me consider getting my own human at home. If only I had the time.” Dr. Song replied unsteadily. 

“Hmmm....” Celestia walked over to a window, gazing out  across her kingdom. “If  I remember correctly, you're on loan from the Ponyville veterinary's humanology department?”

“Yes, your majesty. I specialize in re-habilitating the more aggressive humans.” Dr. Song said. “I came here originally to deal with the large increase in human aggression in Canterlot, but then Ulrich came along, and well...” She trailed off, kneading her forehooves together in worry.

“Well, I am sorry to tell you that I cannot negate Prince Blueblood's claim. Nor can I refute his evidence.” Celestia said, each word bringing Dr. Song closer to crying more, “However, what I can do is choose the punishment.”

Dr. Song raised her head, looking up at Celestia with hopeful eyes. 

“You said you are a specialist in rehabilitating aggressive humans?” 

“Yes...” Dr. song said, not understanding where Celestia's question came from.

“I happen to know of a certain human that requires aggressiveness training, or else he will be put down. Perhaps you might be interested?” Celestia said with a smirk.

“I don't under-” Dr. Song began, before realization hit her. “Oh my Celestia, YES!” She shouted, hugging the princess in joy. Celestia giggled when Dr. Song realized what she was doing and immediately jumped off the princess, rubbing her hooves into the ground before smiling once again.

“I would suggest moving him soon. You will find a ticket back to Ponyville, as well as payment for your time here, in your quarters. However," Celestia paused, as Dr. Song looked up, "do not mistake this mercy for lenience. This human is dangerous, and any infractions in its behavior shall be treated with due severity."

The dangerous tone and sudden change of demeanor that Celestia expressed gave Dr. Song pause, before she answered the Princess. "I.... understand, and would not expect anything less. Thank you for your mercy, Princess." and with that Dr. Song left the room.

Celestia sighed as she realized she just terrified another of her subjects. Hopefully, good would come out of the whole situation, but in the meantime, she had work to do. She turned to the rather large pile of paperwork stacked on, and around, her desk. 

This is going to be a long night she thought to herself. 



*Lifethreads is the name the ponies gave to DNA when they discovered it in my headcanon.




I lay in my little alcove, staring up to the ceiling with bloodshot eyes. I had spent a sleepless night wondering about my fate and reflecting upon my life choices. No matter which way I looked at it, there was no way out of my situation. If I kept up with my animal act, I would be killed, though it would, hopefully, be humane. However, if I show my intelligence, I'd be kept in a deep, dark research laboratory, poked by needles and never to see the light of day.  Neither choice appealed to me. Both were their own types of death. 

I sighed and turned towards the wall, running my hands down my face. A few more minutes and I turned again, trying to hopefully get some form of rest before I die. I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to relax. 

The door slammed open, startling me off of my alcove and onto the floor. Before I had even a chance to react I was encased in an emerald glow, which I immediately  attributed to Dr. Song. I was moved into the hallway, the bright light forcing my eyes closed. I struggled, trying to escape, but I had lost my chance. There was no way out. 

A few minutes later my eyes adjusted, and I could see the walls flashing past as Dr. Song transported me wherever we were going. We were in one of the large castle corridors, stained glass windows the size of an elephant set into the walls. I was lost almost immediately, my previous foray into this area not helping at all due to both the speed we moved and the sameness of each hallway.

Suddenly, Dr. Song hung a right into a large stone room filled with carts and chariots of different shapes, sizes and styles. At one end was a massive door, currently open and leading towards a city street. 

I was taking in the outside details when I was unceremoniously dropped into a wooden crate. If it wasn't for the pillows in the bottom, I would've been winded. As it was I was stunned, and the lid was placed on before I could react. I sat up, trying to push open the lid, but it was secured tightly. I looked around and found an airhole which I used to peer out. Of course, the moment I got close the crate lurched, slamming my face into the wall. I grunted, my hands going right to my nose as I heard wooden wheels creaking and felt whatever cart I was on start moving. 

After a few moments, I tentatively moved to the airhole again, peering out as the cart left the, for lack of a better word, garage. I could see a lot of bright white marble with gold trimmings. I watched as we moved away from the intricate wall, revealing a grand view of the castle I had seen during my initial 'visit.' We turned at the castle gates, traveling down a small incline into what seemed like a city, or, at least, that's what I could tell from the few buildings I could see to my right. 

We took a left turn, continuing our downward track, and the castle was once again the focal point of my vision. This time, however, I could see the 'foundations' of it. The castle was practically floating out into empty space, only the front of it clinging to a cliff face. For some reason, I suddenly felt a lot safer on the road than I did in the castle. 


The next twenty minutes passed with me taking in every detail of the city I could see. It looked like an elven city, with whimsical building designs that enjoyed white marble and high towers. The inhabitants were, as I expected, ponies, of every shape and size. Many of them wore little petticoats and hats that would have been adorable in any other situation. What did surprise me, however, was the sheer amount of humans. Many of the ponies had humans on leashes, in a highly ironic reversal of roles. Most of the humans were tiny, barely reaching five-foot-six, and many had some form of decorative clothing. A few were au naturel, stumbling about and following their owners much as dogs did back home. 

At one point, we passed a marketplace that held a large stage, upon which humans in chains were being sold to the highest bidder. It reminded me of that one scene of Eragon, where slaves were being sold in Dras-Leona. Thankfully, though, the cruelty present in the book was absent here.

Eventually, we stopped, and my crate was lifted into the air. I braced, placing my hands on opposite sides so that any jumbling would not force me to flail around, and waited. Soon enough the crate was set down. I waited for a moment to see if I would be moved again, and I heard the slam of a sliding door. Feeling that I would be safe, I peered out of the peephole. I was met by a profound absence of light. I sighed, curling up in the bottom of my crate. 

Not much to do now but wait. I thought to myself.

About a half-hour later, during which I almost died of boredom twice, I heard a sharp, piercing whistle.  Shortly thereafter I heard a male voice scream out “All Aboard!” 

I'm on a train. I mused to myself in the darkness. A minute later a deep rumble filled the air, the car that I was in shaking as the engines fired up. I felt the brief pull as the train sped up, and soon the sounds of wheels on tracks filled the air. 

Where am I off to now? I thought, any excitement that a 'train ride' might have lent me preemptively destroyed by the fear of the unknown... Or some psychological bullshit therein.

Minutes crawled by, fading together in the dark. I had no way to successfully keep time. It felt like weeks had passed, while it was probably just an hour or so. At some point, I fell asleep, the steady sound of the train luring my mind away. 

However much time passed after that, the train stopped. It was the silence that woke me.  I blearily stretched as much as I could in the small crate, slowly sitting up. Everything was still dark. A few minutes later, just as I was starting to think that maybe this was a refueling stop, a door slid open and a beam of light pierced through the peephole. 

I hissed, the light blinding me. I rapidly blinked, slowly dispelling the feeling as I felt my crate lift into the air. A quick check of the peephole told me that Dr. Song was carrying me off the train. A moment or so later, I was placed down again on another pullcart. This time, the peephole was facing forward, and I could see that Dr. Song herself was pulling it. In the background, I could see a buildings that reminded me of a small medieval town, white wood walls with thatched roofs. There were a few different buildings, like the large circular one that rose far above the town in the distance. 

I once again was treated to a view of pony culture, seeing the multitude of citizens go about their day. Many of them waved at Dr. Song as she passed. I could also see humans, though there was much fewer here than in the city. 

We passed through most of the town, including a market place that was packed with ponies selling everything from roses to carriage parts. It was rather interesting, and, were I in a different situation, I would be asking questions left and right. As it was, I was only passingly curious. 

There were a few buildings that deserved more attention than that, however: I saw a large gingerbread house, with what looked like actual frosting on the fake cupcake-shaped upstairs. Apparently it was a baked goods store, wittingly named sugar-cube corner. That almost made me groan, until we passed a round building that looked like a merry-go-round, called Carousel Boutique. That one I actually groaned at. 

Then we passed a literal tree house. As in a tree. That's also a house. Or, rather, a library, but still. It was a living tree. With a library in it. 

I decided to ignore the near impossibility of that once it left my view. A couple of minutes later, we stopped outside one of the unassuming white-walled houses. Dr. Song unhitched herself, picking up my crate with her magic. She turned and walked around the side of her house, opening a gate in the medium-sized privacy fence that surrounded her backyard. I got a brief look at the yard before the crate was lifted high into the air, before being gently lowered down. The crate was then opened, allowing me to stand up and look around, affording me a much better view of her backyard. It was a rather large yard, well-maintained and with small sitting area and garden to the left side. I was currently inside of a mid-sized area of chain-fenced lawn, complete with a dog-house like structure. I had the sudden feeling this was a kennel. 

“Welcome to your new home, boy!” Dr. Song said, a sickly-sweet pitch invading her voice. Then, to my extreme chagrin  she pulled out a collar, which levitated towards me.

Uh-uh. No way, no how. That collar will not, and never will clasp around my neck. I thought as I dodged past it. Dr. Song merely smiled, before launching the collar towards me. I deftly caught it, using my right hand to keep the offending object away. Dr. Song's smile turned into a scowl, while I almost grinned.Turning and walking away, Dr. Song let the glow around her horn die down. I leapt in triumph, glad I could keep some dignity in this situation. Then she came back out carrying some bag in her magic.

A minute or so later I was eating a bacon strip and absently scratching at the collar around my neck. It was strange, really. I had no memory of letting the good doctor put the collar on me. Plus it reminded me of a semi-horrifying, semi-arousing stint I had with one of my more... wild girlfriends. Never again. 

After I finished the bacon, Dr. Song went back inside, presumably to unpack her belongings and what not. I glanced around, taking in my new surroundings with better detail. I was in a roughly fifteen foot by ten foot area, fenced completely around in chain-link. In one corner stood a 'dog-house' though I guess it would be called a human house in this instance. The fence was probably seven, maybe eight foot tall, so I could probably scale it. Then again, with Dr. Song still up and about, that might not be such a good idea. 

I decided to check out the 'human house.' Inside was a small area, about the size of a one-man tent. It had a ton of blankets inside, as well as a couple 'toys' that I would normally associate with a dog. 

Hmmm... does that make me a Mog in this place? I thought to myself, quietly laughing,  I guess I am my own best friend here.  

Then I was hit by a pang of loneliness, though I was able to keep it at bay. I left the 'human house,' wandering aimlessly in my 'kennel' as I thought up a brief but completely foolproof plan. Once it was fully ironed out, I nodded to myself, silently wondering what I could do to pass the rest of my time until I could enact it. I shrugged and started doing push-ups.

And so the next few hours passed as I submitted myself to a small exercise routine, more out of boredom than anything else. At some point, Dr. Song came out with a bowl of water and some more of those kibble things. No apple though.

I stared contemptuously at it, wishing I could have at the least some form of actual food. I sighed, resigning myself to my fate. Besides, it would be good to hold up to my animal routine until she went to sleep. People... er... ponies tend to see what they want to see after all. And so I knelt down, grabbing the kibbles bowl and... ughh... took a bite. 

Unlike the ones at the palace, these kibbles were at least semi-palatable. They had the taste of dried apples and ground oatmeal, and were rather dry, but it was better than going hungry. I followed the meal with the water, of which I drank greedily, making Dr. Song chuckle and bring some more water out. Which I also drained.

For about an hour Dr. Song stayed outside, alternately watching me and playing with me. She walked back inside eventually, a small smile on her... is it a muzzle? Sure, why not. 

I looked at the position of the sun and saw that it was probably around six. I decided that I might as well take a nap and recuperate what strength I could for my escape plan. I went to the 'human-house' and climbed into the slightly-musty blankets, resisting the urge to pile them on me so that the evening chill would wake me up.





When I awoke, it was dark. I silently thanked whatever divine beings that might be out there, before climbing out of the shelter. I was glad that my natural 'night-vision' allowed me to see most of the yard, the large moon casting a silvery glow upon the landscape. 

I approached the fence, hesitantly laying my hands on it. So far, so good. I reached up and started to climb, swinging my leg over when I got to the top. At that point, I realized just how close my balls were to the sharp tops of the wires that made the fence. I shivered slightly, before continuing, the Mission Impossible theme starting to play in my head. 

Never thought I'd be actually doing something that deserved that theme,I thought to myself, sneakily moving over the grass towards the privacy fence. This one was small enough that I just had to grab the top and swing myself over. 

And then get thrown back by some barrier. I landed with a loud thump, knocking the wind out of myself. I recovered, waiting with bated breath for any sound from the house. Hearing none, I inspected the fence again. I grabbed a stick and tossed it over, watching as it sailed onto the green lawn on the other side. Then I reached over the fence, feeling a resistance about an inch afterwards, though I saw nothing there. 

 Huh. Talk about invisible fence. I thought to myself. Sighing, I turned towards the house. It seemed to be my only alternative. Hopefully it was just the privacy fence that was like that. The door to the house was unlocked, and rather easy to open. The hinges were well-oiled, a fact I was rather happy to learn. However, the inside was much darker than I had anticipated. I could just vaguely see outlines of objects. 

Nevertheless, I snuck through the house, pausing every time I bumped into something. I eventually reached the living room, the window on the door my only guiding light. eagerly, I rushed to the front door, tripping over something in my haste. I was lucky to catch myself before I landed, though I still jarred my wrist when I did so. Thankfully, I was able to hold back my scream of pain, and resorted to clutching my foot. 

Turning to see what tripped me, I saw it was a large dufflebag. Carefully opening it revealed my armor and acutrements, though my shield, sword, and boots were absent. I lamented the latter, before pulling out my sweat-and-rust stained tunic and pants, as well as my underwear. My  cup and jockstrap I left because I couldn't foresee a need for the uncomfortable piece. I didn't put any of the armor on because, frankly, it was a damn pain to deal with in the best of circumstances, as well as loud. As it was, I could barely see, and would probably wake up everything in a 200 foot radius if I attempted to armor up. 

Now that I was clothed, I hastily put my belt on before turning to the door and trying to open it, only to find it locked. And no discernible way to unlock it. Probably locked 'magically.' Fucking magic. I considered jumping out a window, but they were too small to accommodate my large frame unless I jumped through the panes themselves, and that would surely wake up Dr. Song. I sighed, turning and closing the armor bag before going back to the backyard.

If I can't escape, I might as well fuck with your mind I thought to myself, climbing back into my 'kennel' and burrowing into the blankets in the doghouse. For who wouldn't question their sanity if their dog was wearing an outfit they had no memory putting on them, especially with no evidence the dog left their cage? 
> Chapter 3: A nice Trip
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning found me trapped in a tangle of blankets. Extracting myself proved to be a rather arduous process involving a gymnastic act that I was surprised my half-awake body could pull off. When I finally did escape, I crawled into the bright morning, blinking as the sun infiltrated my eyes. 

I could tell Dr. Song had come and went earlier, my food and water bowls having been re-filled. I absently crunched away at the kibbles, trying to boot up my higher-reasoning systems. Unfortunately, all I got was:

Brain.exe encountered a problem and had to close. Please start Coffee.java before attempting to boot Brain.exe again. 

Yeah. I'm one of those people. Anyway, I finished the paltry meal and stood, trying to force myself to wake up. I shuffled around to the best of my ability, slowly but surely resuscitating my  heart to pump blood through my veins. It sort of worked, rousing my brain to near-alertness. 

Maybe a half-hour later, Dr. Song came out with a leash in her telekinetic grasp. As she neared my cage, however, she stopped and dropped the leash, her eyes widening as she saw me.

What is she... Oh, right. The garb. I thought to myself as I remembered last night.

"Wait.... You... but I never put them...." Dr. Song 's eye twitched for a moment, before she shook herself. "No. I'll just ignore it and go shopping. If I don't think of it, it will sort itself out. I need to clear my head. I'll just... Yes, the market.” 

I perked up upon hearing that, watching as she went inside. This was it. My chance to escape. I'd sneak out while she was buying groceries and then... 

 I'll figure that out later. For now I wait..


About twenty minutes later I scaled the fence and entered the house. This time I could actually see her house in the morning sunlight, and I have to say it was rather nice. She had a good-sized kitchen with white tile walls and a nice mosaic floor. The countertop was scaled for someone half my height, so I kinda felt like Gandalf. I was just glad the ceiling was human-sized.

I proceeded into the front room, the bag with my armor sorely absent. I assumed it had been put away. I moved to the front door when I realized something. I had no shoes on. Which would spell disaster for me if I ended up needing to survive in the woods. One misstep and I'm dead of an infected cut. 

I did a one-eighty, looking around for my boots. The first floor proved fruitless, so I turned towards the basement. Inside I found what looked like a mix between a dungeon and a mad-scientist's lab. One whole half of the room was a large cell, while the other half held various science-y tools. A quick search showed that Dr. Song's Dominatrix Lair held nothing but hand-cuffs and chemicals. 

After that I went upstairs, and found my prize in a closet along with my armor. A quick search turned up my boots, a pair of, thankfully washed, socks, and the small pouch that generally held my fighters card, medallion (if the event called for it) and my Mjolnir pendant to keep them safe and on me when fighting. My fighters card was missing, but I gladly donned the pendant. You see, I'm not christian; I, instead, follow the Nordic traditions most notably known about through the Vikings and, more recently, Marvel comics. Thor was my patron, as he is for many warriors of Nordic blood. And no, not the Marvel hero. Anyway, upon finishing, I went back to the front door. 

In the daylight, I could see it was one of those stable doors that had an upper and lower half that opened separately. The irony in that simple fact alone made me groan. Other than that, I couldn't glean much more other than the fact that it was locked, and that the hinges were not on the inside. Which ruled out my simpler, easier plan of removing the hinges and pulling down the door. 

I sighed, before taking a few steps back and lowering my shoulder.





Dr. Song hummed merrily as she left her house, trying to drown out her thoughts on the human. She knew that she had never given him back his clothes. She even put the bag that had them inside away herself this morning. And the zipper was still closed.

She snorted, stomping her hoof as she forced the thoughts out of her brain. Instead she decided to list what she needed in her head. 

Let's see. I've been away for a while, so the milk is bad. I also need some more eggs. The cereal should be okay though. Hmm, what else. Carrots, apples, celery. Might even get a rose to munch on while I'm out. 

She was so deep in thought, she almost didn't notice the purple pony in front of her. Thankfully for her dignity, she stopped, her internal shopping list being filed away as she turned towards the newest Princess in Equestria. 

“Oh, hello Miss Sparkle!” Dr. Song said, all too familiar with Twilight's preferences about her Royal pronouns.

“Hello Dr. Song!” Twilight responded, “I haven't seen you around recently.”

“Oh, I was in Canterlot. They had a rash of human aggressiveness up there and I was called in to lend a helping hoof. If you ask me, though, it's those nobles and what they're doing to these humans that 's causing it.”

“Wow. I take it everything turned out okay now that you're back?” 

“Well, actually there was an... incident. Basically, this new human showed up in the Gardens, and... Well, I'm not supposed to go into great detail, but I was asked to study him. In fact, he indirectly proved my theory about the increased aggressiveness, though there's not enough evidence to prove it.”

“Oh?” Twilight prompted 

“Well, Prince Blueblood got it into his head that he needed to inspect Ulrich, or some such nonsense, and entered his cage. He got a hospital visit for his troubles, even though the human had been cleared for contact.”

“It sounds like Blueblood's antics finally caught up with him.” Twilight said, having firsthoof experience with Blueblood's hobbies after accidentally walking in on him once. Some things could never be unseen. 

“Yes, well, Blueblood tried to get Ulrich put down, but I was able to secure his safety. The Princess actually let me keep him!” Dr. Song almost squeed as she finished.

“Oh, really. You finally got a human? Congratulations. I actually just got my own just over two and a half weeks ago. Max!” Twilight turned. 

Dr. Song looked up at the human that had been absently standing a few feet away, staring off towards the market.

“Wow, he's certainly a specimen.” She said, walking around. “He actually reminds me a little of Ulrich, though yours has a bit less... muscle. No offense.”

“None taken.” Twilight said. The human did a little jig like thing, and Twilight laughed.

“You seem to take good care of him.” Dr. Song finally said. Nodding at Twilight. 

“Yes, well, he's special. He's certainly kept me sane, though he's sometimes a hoofful."

The human huffed, but Dr. Song ignored it, in favor of giggling. “With one that large, I'd be surprised if he wasn't.”

The two mares giggled for a little bit, but finally Dr. Song stopped, nodding toward the market. “I actually have to go. I have to re-stock my kitchen. I can't believe I left the milk here. Goodbye, Miss Sparkle.”

“Goodbye, Dr. Song!” 

Dr. Song turned towards the market with a new spring in her step. Who cares if her human was wearing clothes. It was her human. A smile found its way to her face. 

As she trotted, however, a small ball of fur blindsided her, a high-pitch squeak accompanying the impact. There wasn't enough force to do any damage, but it caused Dr. Song to stumble none-the-less.

“Oof... Who did.... Oh. Hello, Sweetie.” Dr. Song said. 

“I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there, are you ok? Oh, please don't tell my big sis, I just got ungrounded. I was just going over to Applebloom's and now I won't be able to go and please don't be mad! I just want-”

Dr. Song held up a hoof to the white unicorn, stopping the panicky tirade of words. 

“It's alright, it's alright.” Dr. Song said, “I'm not hurt, and I won't tell Miss Rarity. Just be... careful.” The unicorn ran off before Dr. Song could finish, a Sweetie Belle-sized dust cloud following her. She remembered when she had last seen the filly, a subdued mess beneath a swath of bandages. It was good to see that the human attack hadn't hurt her personality too much. Though that eye. Dr. Song shivered. Best not to think to hard on that one, she thought to herself. 

Shaking her head, she continued on her way. A few minutes later, Dr. Song was at Carrot Top's stall, picking out a nice bundle. 

“That will be twenty bits.” Carrot Top said to her when she finished.

“Ouch. Ah well. Here you... Oh no...” Dr. Song said, looking for her bit pouch. “Ponyfeathers. I'm sorry Carrot Top. I think I left my bits at home. I'll be right back in a jiffy.

“No problem. I'll keep these right here for you when you return!” 

“Thanks!”

Dr. Song turned and trotted down the road, heading back home. She mentally berated herself for forgetting her bits. As she walked, she continued to mentally organize her shopping list. Her mental activity seemed to make the trip that much faster, so she was surprised when she found herself at home. She reached out with her magic for the door, her money bag clear in her mind.





I sighed before taking a few steps back and lowering my shoulder. I took a deep breath, then charged the door, urging all my might into my right shoulder. 

At the same time, a green glow enveloped the handle, and before I could stop myself the door opened. I flew outside, barreling over Dr. Song as she yelped in surprise. I crashed into the street, giving myself quite a few bruises as I met the hard-packed dirt. I forced myself onto my feet and shook my head to clear it before picking a random direction and taking off at a dead sprint.  I didn't even give Dr. Song a chance to recover. 

A few seconds later I could hear Dr. Song's voice shouting out to the ponies in the street to stop me, but I was shooting past before they could comprehend what was happening. I could hear Dr. Song's hoofbeats as she tried catching up, as well as a few other unknown sets. I put on an extra burst of speed, trying to ignore the sense of Deja Vu creeping into my head. 

I sure hope this doesn't become a habit, I thought as I sped into a small alley, the colder, shaded air inside cooling my forehead slightly. I shot out of the alley and into a massive open area, a veritable sea of ponies in front of me. I mentally shrugged, weaving my way through the packed square. The ponies around me gave out shouts of surprise as Dr. Song burst from the alley, shouting out for help stopping me. I pelted out of the crowd, making my way onto another side street. 

In the distance, I saw a large forest that would be perfect to make my escape into. At least, unless a purple unicorn somehow got under my feet and sent me flying. But how unlikely would that be?

Yeah, well, the next thing I knew I was in the air, a strangled yelp escaping me as the cold, hard, unforgiving law of gravity exerted it's power over me. In a last act of defiance, I rolled to let my shoulder take the impact rather than my head. 

A split second later I landed, a sickening pop echoing out from my shoulder as the rest of my body thumped to the ground. A stabbing pain shot through my arm and into my chest. I let out a scream, the sheer amount of pain blocking most everything out as the ponies I could see backed away in fear. 

I forced thought through the pain, though,  trying my best to analyze what happened.

There's... nnggh... no blood, so I didn't shove a rock into... it... The pain continued to lance into me, but to a lessened degree.  It doesn't feel broken... Dislocated maybe? I looked down at the shoulder, seeing my arm hanging limply there. Yup, dislocated.

I had dislocated my arm once before, and I had been able to pop it back into place.... with the help of my father. I had been nine at the time, trying to catch myself when I fell out of a tree. Now, though, I had to do it by myself. Not that I knew more than the basics. I sighed internally, groaning as my arm moved a bit. 

Looking up, I could see Dr. Song galloping through the market towards me while the purple unicorn... wait, no it's another of those pegacorn things... anyway, the pegacorn was favoring her right side while a human in a roughspun tunic and pants combo stood by her, giving me what looked like a hostile glance.  I forced myself to stand as Dr. Song got closer. I also spotted two armored ponies coming through the street on my right. 

I clenched my teeth, grabbing my arm and pushing up and in. Instead of the feeling of relief and the pop I expected, however, I merely succeeded in making myself collapse again as pain reeled through me.

By the time I recovered, Dr. Song was already upon me, her emerald magic lifting me off the ground. She gave me a worried glance, quickly popping my arm back in place. The pain spiked before relief rushed in, and I relaxed into Dr. Song's aura. The arm still ached, but it was bearable. 

“I'm so sorry, Twilight!” Dr. Song said. “I didn't expect him to come rushing out the door the moment I opened it. He didn't hurt you, did he?”

“I'm alright, thank you. Just a bruised wing and a sore ego. I'll be fine.” The purple pegacorn, Twilight, said as she waved off the guards, who stood uncertainly for a moment before nodding and dispersing. “I take it this is Ulrich?”

No, this is Patrick I thought to myself, a small smirk trying to find it's way to my face, but I hid it in a scowl. 

Dr. Song sighed. “Yes. This is Ulrich. I'm actually surprised he managed to make it out of the cage he was in. But, live and learn.”

“Well, I can certainly see what you mean when you said he had more muscle. Those arms must be seventeen inches around at the least!” Twilight said.

Damn straight! Took me forever to work on these babies I thought, unconsciously flexing.

“You're actually spot-on. The measurements I have of him put them at seventeen exactly.” Dr. Song replied.

Uggh... I thought as the two ponies prattled on. I'd like to just get back, nurse my arm, then escape successfully this time. So hurry up!

I really wish they could of heard me. Anyway, I looked around, bored with them already. I could see a few ponies looking on in interest, but the rest had already shrugged and moved on with their lives. As I looked around, I caught sight of the human that was standing by Twilight. He seemed to be studying me while thinking intently. 

Either that, or he had a huge dump that he had to take. As I watched him, he clapped his hands and stomped his feet a few times, prompting both ponies to look over at him. 

“Well, I should get Max home soon. He gets antsy if we're out too long for some reason.” Twilight said.

“Alright, besides, I should get Ulrich home too. And I've still got shopping to do.” Dr. Song replied. 

Both ponies split, 'Max' following Twilight while I was carried back to the house. 



 

The 'ride' back was uneventfully, aside from the appearance of a pink pony who had to have been jacked up on some onholy mixture of Monster, Redbull, 51/50, 4 Loco, a barrel of sugar,  a dash of jet fuel, and just a tiny, massive barrel of Concentrated Crystal Meth. I swear that her jaw should have flown into orbit based on the sheer speed at which it moved to formulate word-like sounds with her mouth. 

She ended up stuffing a piece of paper into Dr. Song's face before disappearing again. Dr. Song, however, seemed unaffected and just calmly walked back to her house. 

Anyway, once inside she headed right for the basement, stuffing me into the large cage. 

 I'm really not into the whole S/M thing you'v- ah who am I kidding. You can't hear me. I'm just wasting brainpower. I sighed, causing Dr. Song to turn around. 

“Don't worry, Ulrich. I'll take you for a walk tomorrow. Maybe that's why you got out...” Dr. Song said, continuing back up the stairs. 

...  Well, now I'll finally answer the question 'Why does my dog like walks so much?' Uggghhh...

I turned back to my stony prison, now completely lost on what to do. This was gonna be a long night. 
> Chapter 3 BONUS CHAPTER!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn’t help but let out a sigh as I followed Twilight through town. As I had quickly learned during my couple of weeks of living with the mare, Twilight loved her lists… which made shopping with her boring as hell. Luckily, we were almost done for the day; one more stop then we could make our way back to the safety of the library. I wasn’t entire use to my newfound freedom since Twilight had discovered I was intelligent, and being out in the open for too long made me extremely paranoid.

“Would you relax?” Twilight whispered to me, her ear flicking in annoyance. “We’re almost done. I just have to pick up some quills; you’ve been going through them rather quickly.”

~Sorry. I not use to hoof-language in time~ I replied, glancing around at the crowd of ponies.

~Yet~ Twilight correctly quickly, a small smile on her face. I just looked at her in confusion. “You said ‘~in time~’; it’s suppose to be ‘~yet~’,” she explained, signing the correct word as she did so. Turning back around, she headed off towards the marketplace.

~Thanks~ I signed as I fell in behind her.

“No problem. I’m actually impressed with how fast you’re learning!” Twilight said softly, a chipper smile on her face.

We had barely made it a couple of meters when a unicorn mare almost ran into Twilight. The new mare seemed to be deep in thought, and only returned to the real world in time to stop just short of a collusion. The unicorn blinked, before a smile spread across her face.

“Oh, hello Miss Sparkle!” she said.

“Hello Dr. Song!” Twilight replied, a smile on her face as well. “I haven’t seen you around recently.” As the two mare talked, I glanced over the new pony. She was a pale green unicorn, her mane and tail a lovely brown color. Her blue eyes sparkled as she talked animatedly with Twilight. My eye flicked to her flank, where the image of a bipedal figure jumping through hoops was tattooed.

I wonder what that cutie mark means, I thought to myself, cocking my head to the side slightly. Slowly, my gaze drifted away from the new unicorn and over the market, different ideas flashing through my head about the meaning of the cutie mark.

“...two and a half weeks ago. Max!” I was snapped out of my thoughts by Twilight calling my name. I turned slightly, glancing back at the two mares with a blank expression on my face.

“Wow,” the new mare, Dr. Song, said as she began to circle me. “He’s certainly a specimen. He actually reminds me a little of Ulrich, though yours has a bit less… muscle. No offense.”

“None taken,” Twilight said.

~Speak for yourself; I think I insulted~ I signed, causing Twilight to laugh.

“You seem to take good care of him,” Dr. Song said, nodding at Twilight. This just caused Twilight’s smile to grow, and she shot me a quick smirk.

“Yes, well, he’s special. He’s certainly kept me sane, though he’s sometimes a hoofful.” I huffed, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Oh, ha ha, Sparklebutt. Dr. Song just giggled.

“With one that large, I’d be surprised if he wasn’t.” This, in turn, caused Twilight to giggle. After a few seconds, they called down and Dr. Song nodded her head towards the market.

“I actually have to go. I have to re-stock my kitchen. I can’t believe I left the milk here,” she said, trotting off. “Goodbye, Miss Sparkle.”

“Goodbye, Dr. Song!” Twilight called after her, waving a hoof. “Come on; we have some shopping of our own to finish up with,” she said, returning her attention back to me. With a nod, I followed behind her as she too headed into the market.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“There, that’s everything,” Twilight said as we walked through the marketplace. “We can finally get you back home.” I nodded happily, overjoyed that we were heading back to the tree; my paranoia was really starting to act up.

I blinked, frowning slightly as a noise reached my ear. It sounded like someone shouting something like ‘stop him’. I had just enough time to wonder what was going on before a human came out of nowhere and slammed into Twilight, causing her to yelp. The human cried out as he went flying through the air, landing on his shoulder with a ‘crack’ that caused me to wince. The human proceed to scream, clutching at its shoulder in pain.

Ignoring the human, I turned my attention to Twilight. She was rising to her hooves, wincing slightly as she put weight on the right side of her body. I gave her a worried look, but couldn’t ask her if she was fine before, with a shout, Dr. Song appeared.

She was panting, a strained look on her face as she looked down at the human on the ground. I glared at the human as well, resisting the urge to punch him in the face. He winced as he stumbled to his feet, clutching his arm, which looked like it was dislocated. As I watched, the human clenched his teeth and pushed his arm up and in. Instantly, he collapsed back on the ground again, crying out in pain.

Dumb idiot, I thought as I watched the human writhe in pain. As Dr. Song reached us, her horn lit up and the human was encased in an emerald light. The doctor lifted the injured human into the air, where she quickly popped the arm back into place. The human immediately relaxed.

“I’m so sorry, Twilight!” Dr. Song cried, turning to look at the alicorn. “I didn’t expect him to come rushing out the door the moment I opened it. He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“I’m alright, thank you,” Twilight said as she waved off a pair of guards that were approaching quickly. “Just a bruised wing and a sore ego. I’ll be fine.” Wincing again, she turned and looked up at the human that had just run her over. “I take it this is Ulrich?” I thought I saw a small smirk flash across the human’s face, but when I blinked it was replaced with a scowl instead.

Easy, Max, I thought, shaking my head slightly. Remember: humans here can’t smile.

“Yes, this is Ulrich,” Dr. Song sighed, closing her eyes. If I didn’t know better, she looked tired. “I’m actually surprised he managed to make it out of the cage he was in. But, live and learn,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

“Well, I can certainly see what you mean when you said he had more muscle. Those arms must be seventeen inches around at the least,” Twilight said. I glanced down at my arm, giving it a contemplative look. I had almost no muscle due to being in a cage for two weeks with nothing to eat. Thanks to Twilight (and the very generous Fluttershy) I was beginning to gain weight again, but still looked skinny as hell.

I hope Twilight doesn’t mind I’m not that muscular, I thought, poking at my arm. I blinked as I realized what I had thought. Why do I care if Twilight thinks I look good? Shaking the thought from my head, I instead turned my attention to the human currently floating in the air.

I scrunched up my face as I studied him. Something feels off about him, I thought. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something about this human made my stomach twitch slightly.

~If everything okay here, can we head back to library?~ I asked Twilight.

“Well, I should get Max home soon. He gets antsy if we’re out too long for some reason,” she said to Dr. Song. The unicorn nodded, glancing over at her own human.

“Alright,” she hummed. “Besides, I should get Ulrich home too. And I’ve still got shopping to do,” she moaned, sagging her shoulders. With that, we parted ways: Twilight and I heading towards the library, Dr. Song and the human, Ulrich, heading off towards the marketplace.

As we walked, I couldn’t help but look back at the retreating pair, chewing on my bottom lip. I had a feeling that this wouldn’t be the last time that human and I crossed paths.
> NON-Canon BONUS CHAPTER: All Hail Sunbutt!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I looked around the gardens guiltily, just waiting for a patrol to come out of no where and catch me. I clutched a few items to my chest protectively, running up to the palace as quickly as I could. I used a few well-placed statues to hide my form from prying eyes, not that many would be able to see in the waning evening light. 

I finally made it to the palace itself, where I quickly chose a spot on the wall, pulling out a brush and a bag of red pigment. I started my work, quickly brushing out the letters I needed. I was a nervous wreck, the thought of getting caught hanging heavily on my mind. I forced myself to finish the job, however. I was no half-ass. Finally, I put the last, snaking letter up, and turned to leave.

At which point a hoof landed upon my shoulder, causing me to flinch and yelp as a massive unicorn stallion in guard armor gave me a stern expression. I could see another, smaller guard behind him. 

"What's this then?" The guard said in a no-nonsense tone, "Equestes Avere  Aversa Soles? The ponies they call Equestrians to hail butt of suns?"

"I-I-It says Equestrians hail Sunbutt!" I replied shakily. 

"No it doesn't. What's latin for Equestrian?"

I sat there thinking, while the guard gave an unamused snort and pulled my hair up with his magic. 

"Equestus?"

"Goes like?"

"Annus?"

"Vocative plural of annus is?"

"Anni?"

"Equstri..." The guard said slowly, crossing out the offending letters that I had written and replacing them with an 'i'. "Avera? What is Avera?"

"Hail, I-"

"Conjugate the verb Hail." The guard said, twirling my brush in his magic.

"Uh... aveō, avēs, avet, avēmus, avētis, avent"

"But 'Equestrians hail sunbutt' is an order, so you must use the...?"

"Uhh, imperative!"

"Which is?" He pulled harder on my hair, causing my to cry out.

"Uhh... Avet! Avet!"

"How many Equestrians"

"Uhh.... I... Plural, plural! Ave!"

The guard once again crossed out my offending latin, replacing it with the correct verb form. 

"Aversa Soles?"

"Uhh.."

"This is completely wrong. Soles is..."

"Sun-"

The guard unseathed the sword at his hip, bringing it up to my neck

"AHHH! Suns, suns. It's plural.So the singular is?"

"Sole! SOLE!"

"GOOD! And Aversa?"

"It's butt."

"So the butt owns the sun, Come on, boy, what noun holds the power here?"

"Sun! it's Sole Aversa! SOLE AVERSA!"

"So, you understand?" The guard sheathed his sword as he corrected my writing."

"Yes, sir."

"Now, write it out a hundred times."

"Yes, sir, thank you sir. Hail Celestia, sir."

"Hail Celestia, and if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off."

I knew that that was a real threat here, so I hurried to start my work.





Morning found me tired, exhausted, and putting the finishing touches on a period. 

"Finished!" I called down to the massive stallion below me."

"Good! Now don't do it again!" He called up, before wandering away.

I climbed down from my ladder, and looked upon my handiwork with sleep-stained eyes. The whole of Canterlot Palace was covered in the words 'Equesti Ave Sole Aversa' in differing sizes, and in a bright, contrasting red. I smiled, proud of myself.

"He did it! get him!" I heard from over my shoulder.

"Oh, shit!" I ran for all I was worth.





Celestia rubbed her eyes as she looked upon her graffitied palace, barely able to comprehend. Luna walked up bhind her, gazing too at the palace.

"Equestrians hail sunn butt?" Luna asked questioningly. "TIA! Since when did you get a cult! I thought we promised fifteen hundred years ago that we would not be the center of any cults. You broke sister rule number four hundred and seventy-seven!" 

Celestia just looked at her flank, poking it once, before facehoofing and walking back insside.

"It's too early for this shit."

> Chapter 4: There Are More... [REWRITTEN]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of that day, and the night, became the most boring time I have had the pleasure of enduring through in my life. My arm was still sore, so I couldn't do most of the exercises I would have been doing, and the cage wasn't large enough for running to mean anything. Even the outdoor area was larger than this. As for an escape attempt, there wasn't even a lock. The door seemed to seamlessly flow into the bars, with no discernible way to open it, other than magic. 

I ended up lying down on a pile of blankets in the corner, attempting to sleep. However, my body had other plans, namely reminding me of every bruise, ache, and pain I had. Separately, none of them were worth batting an eye at, but collectively they formed a cocoon of constant aches. It didn't hurt enough to warrant countermeasures, yet it was enough that it was hard to ignore. 

At some point I turned, and began watching the rays of sunlight from the basement windows trace their way across the room, eventually plunging me into complete darkness.

I think the darkness is my ally! I thought to myself in my best internal Bane voice. It would hopefully help me to sleep.

Twenty minutes later, I was proven right.





Then next morning I was woken by Dr. Song's voice. 

"Ulrich, Ulrich! Wake up! Breakfast!" 

Ugghh.... Well, at least she's a talk-to-your-pet kinda person, I thought as I opened my eyes, Otherwise this would be quite a boring existence. My mind was surprisingly less groggy this morning than every other morning spent in ponyland. Maybe I was getting used to no coffee. Not something I was looking forward to. 

I shook myself, standing up from the pile and walking over to Dr. Song. Inside the cage were my food and water bowls. Have I already stooped so low as to consider them mine? I thought to myself as I grabbed the water bowl and quaffed a large quantity. I was thirstier than I had originally thought. Exercise coupled with a period without anything to drink leads to an increase in thirst. Who knew?

"I'm sorry about not getting you dinner last night. I was still a bit frazzled, then the guards came asking questions." Dr. Song sighed. "At least I caught you. Eat up, I have to take you to the vet and get the papers sorted. I hope Softie's in today. If you're good maybe I'll even stop for more treats. What do you think, boy? A walk, then some treats?"

I gave her my best 'Are you fucking kidding me?' look. Which she pointedly ignored. 

A half-hour later, A leash was latched to my collar and we were wandering Ponyville. Now that I had more of a chance to look around than a peephole in a crate or a brief, flashing glimpse as I ran past, I could see it was a rather beautiful town. We were walking down a small side-street, lined with a series of wooden houses. On one end was a small playground filled with children (foals?) while parents watched on in amusement. I could see a few humans standing around in apathy. Occasionally, a foal would walk up to one and jump at it's feet, or pet it or something. It was both creepy and amusing to watch. 

We continued on, seeming to just wander through the town without purpose. Eventually, we reached a small, squat brick building. with the word 'VETERINARY' emblazoned above the doors in massive capslock. The large glass double doors slide open as we approached, which startled me for a moment. I could've sworn their technology was nowhere near that advanced.

"It's alright, Ulrich, it's just a magic door. Come on, now." Dr. Song said, tugging on my leash. She must've mistaken the reason I was startled.

At least it explains the technological absurdity of the door I thought as I was brought into a small waiting room. It was pretty much what one would expect in a veterinary, a line of uncomfortable seats with small endtables featuring (most likely) months-old magazines on pets and pet care. At one end was a desk with an attendant, and next to the desk was a large set of hospital doors.

Dr. Song walked right up to the desk and rang a small bell, pulling me along with her. The yellow-coated, green-maned pegasus mare looked up from her paperwork. 

"Oh hello, Mel!" The mare said in a stereotypical 60s era accent, "I thought you were up in Canterlot for another two weeks? Didja forget something?"

"No no, nothing like that, Cherry." Dr. Song replied, "in fact, the princess let me leave early, on account of this fellow right here." 

"My my, ain't he a big one. I suppose he's your next pet project." The mare, Cherry, replied.

"Well, you're half right. He is my new pet. I'm just here to satisfy the bureaucrats' 'regulations' on staff and their pets and get him checked out. Is Softie in?"

"Well, now. I was wondering when you'd get one of ya own. Sorry, sugar, Softie called in today. He came down with the flu or something. But Hummy's here, she'll be more than willing to give him a... checkup..." Cherry cast a predatory gaze upon me, which creeped me the fuck out. I really did not like what she was implying. 

"Yes. I'm sure she will." Dr. Song sighed, "Alright, let's sign him in. I take it Hum is open right now?"

"Yea, just head right on through."

"Thanks, Cherry."

"No problem, Mel!"

I was lead through the doors and into a hallway, with a few large wooden doors on either side. We just walked past most of them until we reached the second-to-last door on the right. Dr. Song knocked on the door, a feminine 'Just a Minute' wafting out from inside. 

A few seconds later, the door opened, revealing a light pink mare with an auburn mane.  "Oh, hi Melody!" She said in a pleasant voice, "I wasn't expecting you to be back so soon!" 

"Yes, well, I had to cut my trip short, Hum Well. In fact, that's why I'm here right now. You see, I got myself a human up in Canterlot, and, well, you know the 'regs.'" Dr. Song said, being surprisingly curt with the mare.

"Oh, how lovely. I take it this is the human?" Hum Well said, stepping out from the room and showing her ass-tat, which was of a gurney and a musical note. "Well well, I see you've chosen quite a specimen. It would be my pleasure to examine him for you."

I don't like that inflection there, pony girl. I thought to myself. 

"I would warn you against trying anything, Hum." Dr. Song said in a dark voice. She apparently caught the inflection as well. OR just knew the mare that well. "He's been known to be violent when somepony tries something like that."

"Don't you worry, Melody. I always maintain a strictly professional approach when giving humans their check-ups." Hum Well responded with an overly-sweet voice. 

Dr. Song just slumped darkly, turning around. Though I'm pretty sure I heard her mutter something along the lines of "And my left flank is the moon" as she left, but I couldn't ensure that.Besides, I was more worried about the sultry smile that Hum Well was giving me.

"Oh, I almost forgot!!" Dr. Song said over her shoulder, "Up in Canterlot I did some examinations myself. He's running a much higher temperature than your average human, as well as a low BPM and an abnormal blood pressure. I wouldn't be too worried about it."

"Alright, Melody." Hum Well replied, before opening the door and turning to me"Come right in here, big boy. It's time for your examination."

Have I mentioned how much I don't like her inflections? I thought as I was dragged inside. 

The next few minutes were tense as she took off my clothes and started poking me with medical instruments. With the way she had been acting previously, I had expected to be jumped and raped the instant the door closed. 

Maybe it was all an inside joke? I thought hopefully as the mare continued with the medical processes, Maybe she was just acting? It gave me hope. 

After poking my forehead with a thermometer, she gasped. "Ninety-Eight degrees?!?! Melody said he was running high, but this?! I..." She looked at me while I gave her a 'I don't give a fuck' expression. She sighed. "You're not showing any symptoms that other humans would be showing. Alright." She calmed down after than.

Another couple of minutes passed, along with a few other gasps about certain biological normalcies, and I was actually starting to relax. Hum Well had left for a moment, leaving me in here on my own. A minute or too later she returned holding an apple.

"Alright, let's see how aggressive you are, hmm?" She said, holding the apple out to me. I looked at it. I saw an apple. I looked back at Hum Well, unimpressed. She then reached over and plucked the apple from my grasp. I gave her another unimpressed look. 

"So far so good." She said more to herself than me. For a few more minutes she subjected me to more tests to determine my 'aggressiveness,' usually involving giving me something and taking it away. One involved a needle, and I nearly punched her for that, but I kept myself in check. Finally, she packed up her supplies and turned her gaze back on to me.

"Your as docile as a doormouse. I don't know where Dr. Song's comment came from. Now to see how aggressive you really are."

Please refer to my previous comments about your inflections I thought to myself, becoming increasingly uncomfortable while Hum Well advanced on me, a sultry look in her eyes. 

"Come on, big boy, let's see how big you really get." She said as she turned around and flicked her tail to the side, exposing her 'delicate flower.' To my shame, my 'lil buddy' decided that the anatomical differences could be set aside and rose up to meet the 'lady.' Thankfully, I was far more intellectually superior to my desires and forced myself to look away, falling off the examination table in the process. 

Sadly, Hum Well was unfazed, positioning herself over me. "I know you want it, beast, now let me have it." She said lustily. Inwardly, I smiled.

Poor choice of words I thought as I moved suddenly, my knee making a solid impact into her midsection as I twisted around, snagging my clothes and pushing myself to my feet. Before Hum Well had a chance to move, I rushed out the door, flying though the hallway until I discovered a small janitors closet with an open door. 

I quickly rushed inside, closing the door and stuffing myself into my garb. A moment later I was back into the hallway, this time hightailing it into the lobby. I saw Dr. Song there, chatting with the red mare from earlier. I fled to her side, making sure to keep her between myself and the lust beast in the hallway. Said beast limped out of the hallway a few moments later.

"I take it from Ulrich's reactions it didn't go well?" Dr. Song deadpanned. 

Hum Well took a moment to collect her thoughts, before answering Dr. Song. "Well... As far as I can tell he's fine, aside from the EXTREME deviations from normal human health patterns." She winced, rubbing her stomach with a forehoof "and I would not recommend trying to be active with him."

Dr. Song sighed. "You really need to change, Hum. I know most of the clients don't care about your 'fun' because you give them a discount, but please. At least show some decorum. Get yourself a human if you're that desperate."

"Yes, yes, Melody. Give me a moral compass later. I'll fill your paperwork tonight and send it in. You're free to go." 

"Goodbye then." Dr. Song replied. 

"See ya later, hun. I take it you'll be back to work on Monday?" Cherry said.

"Are you kidding?" Dr. Song replied. "I've still got two weeks off. I might as well enjoy them, especially since I'm getting paid for them."

"Oh, Alright. See ya in two weeks then!" 

With that we left the building and turned right.

"Ugh. Why does the management even allow Hum Well to do that?" Dr. Song vented, "Well, I owe you a treat, don't I boy?"

I will only accept such a thing if it is bacon. I thought, sincerely wishing I could communicate with her. A few minutes later we were walking through the downtown section, largish buildings on either side displaying their wares. There was an ice-cream shop, a stationery store, that weird baked goods store that looked like a gingerbread house, a store that sold quills and sofas. ONLY quills and sofas. I think I saw that on my way in too, and a couple other buildings. 

We stopped in front of one that was labeled simply Cross's Pet Health Store. On one side was a bench of sorts, upon which it looked like humans could sit. One was doing it now, at least. It was the same one from yesterday, though he looked deep in thought, staring at the ground. 

"I'll be back in a jiffy, Ulrich!" Dr. Song said, magicking my leash over to the wall and prancing inside the store. I waited for her to enter the building before turning to the leash. Which was now melded seamlessly into the bricks of the building. 

Wat.

No! NO NO NO!!! I pulled on the leash, trying to rip it from the wall, to no avail. After a few seconds of straining I released the leash and sighed. Slumping onto the bench and holding my head in my hands. A pair of feet appeared in my vision, connected to the human that was next to me. 

I stood up quickly, startling the guy into taking a step back. Giving him a once-over, I could see that he was at least six feet tall, and about as thick as a toothpick. But he had a spark of intelligence in his eyes, and developing muscles on his visible arms and legs. 

If humans here are anything like dogs at home, then one his size might be an 'alpha' or something. Especially with eyes as sharp as that. Better nip this in the bud before he sees me as trying to encroach on his territory or some BS like that. I'm not quite sure why I thought that, but given my limited experiences with other humans in the palace thingy, I wasn't going to take a chance. I  got right in the guy's face, huffing out of my nose at him like the T-Rex from Jurrasic Park. Or was it the dragon from another movie? No matter. It had the desired affect, sending him reeling back. Though I could see a look of confusion flit across his face. 

I didn't care, he was no longer going to bother me, so I sat back down. 

It couldn't have been more than two minutes later when a blue blur rushed passed me and slammed into the other human hard enough to leave a solid, audible thump. The blur resolved itself into a blue-coated, rainbow-maned pegasus that seemed intent on hurting this guy in every way possible. I could see him fighting back weakly as they rolled around on the ground. 

As much as I shouldn't, I'm not just going to stand here doing nothing. Why aren't any of the ponies doing anything? It was true, the ponies walked by, occasionally giving a glance of either disgust or concern towards the fight. When the duo got close enough to me, I took the matter into my own hands. 

I reached down and literally threw the pegasus off of the guy. She was a lot lighter than she looked, no more than sixty pounds, tops. I swear I've picked up heavier teddy bears that size. I had been expecting something around a hundred, hundred and twenty pounds and so used a lot more than I needed and ended up tossing her across the street and into a vendor's stall. I winced as I saw the impact, watching her get buried under a pile of wood. Hopefully she wasn't hurt too bad. 

Anyway, I turned back to the human to help him up, but was met with a hefty haymaker to my jaw. It had considerable force behind it, not quite enough to send me reeling, but enough to cut my cheek inside my mouth. I spat out some blood and slowly turned towards the guy, rage stoking itself in my chest.

 I just HELPED you and you're going to just attack me for that? I thought, deriving satisfaction as I saw the color drain from his face. I needed to take this nice and slow and let the terror build up. I took a step forward, using my height to my advantage, seeming to tower over the other human. I think he just noticed exactly how big I really am, and I'm not talking height. I was built like a linebacker (or whatever the big guys in football are called. Never was into football), and was very tall to boot. Fighting in armor will do that to you. 

I took another step and that seemed to trigger a reaction from the guy as he backed away as quickly as possible. I lunged forward, hoping to grab him and end it quickly. I, however, forgot one little detail. My leash snapped tight and clotheslined me. I fell right on my ass and got some semblance of reason knocked into me. 

I shook my head and got up, giving a glare to the other human and flicking him off, before turning back to the leash and tugging as hard as I could. I barely even noticed as he rushed passed me and into the store itself, focused as I was. 

Yet still the leash disobeyed my desires and stayed firmly inside the brick. I huffed, readying myself to try to pull the brick out of the wall, when something hit me from behind, hard, and knocked me into the wall. I felt my head connect, and the world got all spinny, I was dazed, but I was still there enough to know there was someone or something on my back, pounding away, spouting something. I shook myself, launching upwards and flipping over as best I could, landing heavily on whatever was on my back and succeeding in smacking my head against the dirt road. 

YEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW! Was the only thought going through my battered mind as I struggled to get rid of the shell-shock-like affect. Something furry ramming into my midsection did the trick, the pain driving a lance through the fog and allowing me to focus. It was the pegasus I threw from before. She was on my stomach, driving her hooves into me. I flipped the tables consciously this time, effectively putting her in a body-lock in less than ten seconds flat. I put pressure with my knee in between her shoulder blades while she was spread-eagled (heh, puns) stomach down beneath me. 

"RAINBOW!" I heard a voice scream before the pegasus and I were lifted into the air in a purple field. I saw the leash get severed from the wall in the same instant. 

On the other end of the magic was the purple pegacorn from before. I saw Dr. Song and the human behind her, each giving one of us a concerned glance. I could also see a couple of guards come rushing up from somewhere. 

"You two, take her to the hospital. I'll handle the human." The pegacorn said. 

Fuck. Shit just got real.

"Princess, please!" Dr. Song begged when she heard this. "It-"

The pegacorn princess silenced her with a hoof, before turning to the human. 

"You're sure?" She said. The human did another of those jigs and the pegacorn nodded. "Alright. Dr. Song, you need to come with us."

Oh fuck me sideways with a fiery ant hill. This won't end well. I thought as I was carried down the road.





We ended up at the tree-house-library, the short trip there being quick and silent. No one said a word. I was more preoccupied about the jig thing. It was obviously some sort of communication, but what could it mean. Were the humans slaves then? Forced under the guise of animals?

Thoughts and theories swirled in my mind as I was pulled inside. Once the door shut the magic cut out, and I dropped unceremoniously to the ground. I stood up, and looked around the surprisingly spacious room, the walls covered completely in bookshelves. My observations were cut short when Dr. Song began to speak.

"Uhh, Prin- I mean, Twilight. What... well, what are we doing here? If you don't mind me asking."

"Well, that's a good question. I think it would be best if Max answered it though." The pegacorn, Twilight, said. nodding towards the other human, presumably Max.

"What?" Dr. Song said. I however, saw Max reach into his clothing and pull out a notebook and a piece of charcoal and scribble something out before turning it to me. There, on  the page were two words in big bold print.

We Know
> Chapter 4: BONUS CHAPTER
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sat outside of Cross’s Pet Health Store, waiting while Twilight looked around inside for the protein pills that helped repress my meat cravings, even if those cravings weren’t that bad to begin with. I stared at the ground, chewing on the inside of my cheek. Glancing over my shoulder at the building, I frowned slightly as I looked at the ‘no humans allowed’ sign hanging by the door. 

Why humans weren’t allowed into a store that catered to them I didn’t know, but since it was a nice day out, I was content to sit outside and wait.

At least it gave me time to think. Shaking my head, I returned my attention back to the dirt in front of me. Seriously, all I asked was if she knew a place that sold meat! That doesn’t mean I’m going to attack the next living thing I see to sat my hunger! I can control myself--

“I’ll be back in a jiffy, Ulrich!” I was jolted out of my stupor by a familiar voice. Glancing up, I saw the pony from yesterday heading towards the front door; Dr. Song, I think her name was. She had her human with her, and she had magicked his leash into the wall of the building. He waited until she had entered the store before looking at the leash. Eyeing it, he grabbed ahold of the leash and pulled, trying to pry it out of the building, but to no avail.

Unable to free himself, the human sighed and slumped down onto the bench, holding his head in his hands. I scrunched up my face, eyeing the human. Both yesterday and today he had displayed an abnormal amount of emotion, more emotion than any other human here in Equestria had displayed.

Standing up slowly, I walked in front of him, cocking my head to the side. What did the pony say his name was again, Ulfric?

I flinched back as the human stood up suddenly, giving me a quick once-over. His eyes narrowed as he glared at me, his hands clenching into fists. Leaning forward, he shoved his face into mine and snorted loudly. What the fuck? I thought, stumbling backwards. Why is he getting aggressive all of a sudden? He snorted again before sitting back down on the bench. I just stood there, staring at him for a few minutes, chewing on the inside of my cheek. I was unsure of what to make out of what had just happened. 

As I stood there, pondering, my ears perked up as a soft noise reached them. As the noise grew, I felt my body tense up. It was a whistling sound, the sound of something fast approaching quickly…

...the sound of a rainbow missile.

I didn’t have any time to react before she was upon me. With an audible thump, Rainbow Dash slammed into me, sending us both crashing to the ground, “Gotcha, big guy!” Stars burst in front of my eyes as I tried to push her off of me, but she clung to me gamely. Growling, I tried to roll over, but she matched my movement, a large smirk plastered on her face. I was dimly aware of ponies walking past us as we wrestled, but I paid them no mind: I had a Rainbow punching bag to take care of. This was funny the first few times, but I still have bruises from our last tussle. She seriously needs to take a break!

Jamming my knee into her side, I rolled us over again and prepared to trap her beneath me. However, I was interrupted when something ripped Rainbow off of me and tossed her into a nearby stand, which proceeded to collapse upon her. My eyes widened when I saw who had tossed her: it was the Ulysses, or Ukulele, or whatever the fuck his name was.

Rage flared inside me as I looked up at him. You did NOT just attack Rainbow in front of me! As he turned to look at me, I stood quickly, throwing all my weight behind my punch as I aimed for his face. The punch connected and he stumbled back slightly, grunting in pain.

I wasn’t completely sure, but I think my fist fared worse than his face.

My satisfaction seeped out of me as the human slowly turned to look at me, spitting out some blood as he gave me a look that could boil water. He took a step forward, and it was only then that I realized how big he truly was; he looked like a defense linemen!

He took another step, and I stumbled backwards, trying to put some distances between me and this beast of muscle. At my movement, he lunged forward, arms outstretched. I was saved, however, when he reached the end of his leash. With a horrific choking noise, the human fell backwards onto his ass. Even with my heart pounding in my chest, I couldn’t help but smirk at him.

Shaking his head, the human got to his feet and glared at me. Raising his hand, he gave me the bird before turning his attention back to the leash. I froze, the smirk leaving my face. H-he… he d-didn’t, did he? With that, everything clicked into place: the emotion, the behavoir, the one-fingered salute. It could only mean one thing.

I need to find Twilight! Skirting around the human, I hurried into the store, hellbent on finding my owner.

Bursting through the door, I ignored the owner’s protests as I raced down the aisles, searching for Twilight. I found her near the back, browsing through the petcare books they had. Figures; even in a pet store, Twilight can always find some books. Her ears perked up as I neared, and she turned to look at me.

“Max?” she asked, blinking at me. “You can’t be in here; I’m sorry but there are no humans allowed.” Her ears folded back as she said that, giving me a sorrowful look. I shook my head, cutting off anything else she was going to say.

~Twilight. Human. Outside. Intelligent!~

“What?” she asked, stepping back and holding up a hoof. I was going to repeat myself, when Dr. Song appeared beside me.

“Oh, Twilight. I didn’t expect to see you here… and with your human,” she said, frowning as she looked at me. “I thought humans weren’t allowed in here-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” I picked the mare up, depositing her in front of Twilight before pointing down at the unicorn.

~Her human, human from day before, is intelligent! Like me!~

“What?!” Twilight yelped, looking at me in shock. “Are you serious?!” I nodded my head.

~Positive!~ Twilight chewed her lip before looking down at a confused Dr. Song.

“Okay, then,” she said. “Dr. Song, if you’d follow me.” The good doctor just nodded her head, following behind us as Twilight and I made our way towards the front of the store. Twilight flashed the owner a quick apologetic smile, before she opened the door and stepped outside. I followed her out just in time to see the human pin Rainbow Dash beneath him.

“RAINBOW!” With a shout, Twilight lifted both Rainbow and the human up in her magic, severing the human’s leash in the process. I gave the limp pegasus a worried look, while beside me, Dr. Song was looking at her human in concern.

“Here,” Twilight said, floating Rainbow over to a pair of guards that had just arrived on the scene. “You two, take her to the hospital. I’ll handle the human.” I saw the human in question’s eyes widen in alarm, aiding more proof to my claim. He knows what she is saying, and is reacting.

“Princess, please. It--” Dr. Song began, but was cut off by Twilight holding up a hoof. The alicorn then looked over at me.

“You’re sure?”

~Positive. If he is not, I am a dumb human~ Twilight nodded, then turned to the doctor.

“Alright. Dr. Song, you need to come with us.” Turning, she headed towards the library, the human clasped in her magic. I looked at Dr. Song, then followed after Twilight, the unicorn mare falling in step behind me.

> Chapter 5: They Know [REWRITTEN]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

We Know

Adrenalin flooded my system as I read those words. Time seemed to slow. Shit! They must think I'm some foreign spy or something! Fuck ME! I thought to myself as I scanned the room for a way out. Behind the purple pegacorn I saw an umbrella stand with a few handles sticking out of it. One of them looked like a baseball bat. I made a decision. 

In the few milliseconds it took me to analyze and decide, Twilight's expression went from a smile to confusion, then changed to alarm as I leapt over her. She balked, and I landed in a crouch. A moment later I had grabbed the bat and switched my stance, now I was holding it in front of me while standing in an offensive position. Matt, or whatever his name was, finally reacted, raising both of his hands up in the universal position of surrender. Twilight was in a different position, sparing Mitt a brief glance before turning back to me. Dr. Song was still by the doorway, seemingly frozen in shock. 

I refocused on the immediate threat, which was currently charging it's horn. I raised the bat and swung, much to Micheal's horror and Twilight's surprise. Yet when the expected impact never arrived, I stared down in confusion. My hand was empty. I realized  I somehow lost the bat from between me raising it and Twilight's head.Seeing Dr. Song's expression of fear and surprise, as well as her glowing horn, I put two and two together. Dumbly, I looked up to see the bat floating above my head. For a moment, it hung there, defying gravity as it was held. Then it came swinging down in an arc to fast for me to dodge. I felt the impact, and then, nothing.





Dr. Song stood still, the baseball bat still in her telekinetic grasp. Twilight looked over at her and sighed. 

“I'll go make some coffee. Max... can you.... clean up in here a bit? I'll be right back.”

Max nodded, walking over to the limp human and moving him onto the couch. He turned back to Dr. Song, who by now had released the bat and was mouthing the word 'what' over and over again. Max shook his head, picking up the bat and a few umbrellas and putting them back into the recently re-uprighted stand. He looked back over to the shocked pony, before picking up his quill and notebook from where he dropped it. 

+Are you alright?+ He wrote out, before putting it in front of Dr. Song's face. 

The green pony backpedaled, landing on her rump as she shook her head. “How..... How are you?”

+What, writing?+ Dr. Song nodded. +Well, it is an ancient Chinese secret, but I'll tell you. I  grasp the quill betwixt my fingers and then gently brush the tip against the paper to release the stored ink in a pre-determined pattern.+

Dr. Song gave him a deadpan expression, before seemign to realize who she was talking to. She shook her head again. “Alright,  this is either an especially whacked out dream, or I'm talking to... a human...”

Max shrugged then nodded. 

Dr. Song just sighed. “This.... This is a lot to take in...”

Max nodded again.

“Coffee's brewing.” Twilight said, interrupting Dr. Song's thoughts, “Why don't we move to the kitchen, where we can discuss this some more until Ulrich wakes up.”

“That's probably a good idea.” Dr. Song said, already moving towards the green kitchen door.



I woke up with a massive headache, though it wasn't as bad as a hangover. Groaning, I slowly sitting up from my prone position. Looking around, I saw that I was still in the library, though someone had moved me to the large couch. I shook my head to clear it a bit and thought back to what had happened. 

Ughhh..... I way over-reacted there. Seeing as I'm not in some interrogation room. Or tied up... or worse.... I sighed. That's what I get for jumping to conclusions....

Now that I was at least mostly mentally capable, I decided to find my would-be assault victims. I drastically needed to apologize. Standing up, I walked towards the staircase on the opposite side of the room,only to hear a door opening.

“-go check on Ulrich. See if he's up yet!” Twilight said. I turned just as she caught sight of me. “Oh... ummm...”

She stood in a position that radiated wariness. Her front foreleg seemed to hover above the ground, as if uncertain if another step would be a good choice. I raised up my hands in the universal 'I mean you no harm' gesture, and she seemed to relax. She rubbed the back of her head with the hoof she had previously kept hovering above the ground.

“So.....  I take it this means you aren't going to randomly attack me.” She asked.

I smiled and shrugged, though I gave her a wink to show I wasn't being serious.

“Uhuh. Well... At least you've got some humor in you. C'mon. Dr. Song wants to meet you for real this time. I didn't know what you'd like to drink, so I made some coffee for all of us. I hope that's ok.”

As soon as she said 'coffee' I perked up, sniffing the air. Sure enough, the wonderful aroma of brewed beans reached my nostrils. I practically floated towards the door, while Twilight looked on in half puzzlement and half amusement. 

Upon entering the kitchen, my entire focus was on finding the coffee. There was no other course of action. I saw Max and Dr. Song both sitting at a table, mugs in front of them. They weren't  important. I could see a refrigerator. That wasn't necessary. I could even see a coffee machine on a counter next to the sink. But I did not care for it. All I wanted was in a full, slightly steaming mug of ambrosia sitting there, ready for the one true king to claim it. 

Gingerly, I picked up the treasure, absorbing its beautiful glow from the reflection of the lights. 

I must savor this moment of victory! I thought, before saying screw it and downing a gulp of the BURNING HOT LIQUID OF MOLTEN LAVA!

OWWW FUCK SHIT OWW DAMNIT THAT'S AS FUCKING HOT AS MOTHERFUCKING BALLSACS OF LIQUID METAL!  I nearly dropped the mug as I did the ceremonial DANCE OF PAIN that is known to all living things that require coffee. I could hear laughing, and as soon as my tastebuds could recover I set down the mug and glared at the offenders. Mark was on the floor, laughing his ass off while Twilight was struggling to hold in guffaws (she must have sat down whilst I was distracted). Dr. Song seemed to be laughing uncomfortably, though her eyes betrayed her true emotions. 

A pad of paper was slid towards me as I gave the three stooges my best Grumpy Cat expression. I hope you all die and are sent to the most fiery pits of whatever afterlife you believe in I grumbled to myself as I retreated to the library's main room. I had spied a pencil the last time I was here, and I now needed it. 

A moment later I returned to the kitchen, prize in hand. I grabbed the paper and wrote three words down, as the laughter finally started dying down. 

+HOT..... TOO HOT...+ 

I passed the paper back to them, which immediately started anther wave of hilarity from the purple pony, while Mark just gave me a funny look. Pointing at the pencil in my hand he pulled out a quill from his tunic and preformed an epic facepalm. I shrugged as he pointed to the pencil and gave me a 'Where did you find that' expression. 

Murray facepalmed again, while I went over to the fridge and grabbed some ice cubes, which I promptly plopped into my coffee. Giving it a quick swirl, I decided to test it again, and this time I found it to be a perfect temperature. I took a few more tentative sips, before gulping down a huge mouthful. 

By this time, Twilight had finished laughing. Mitch was still facepalming. And Dr. Song was eyeing me with a wary expression. I grabbed the paper and jotted down something quick.

+So... two things. One: Next time, make this coffee about.... 200% darker, and I'm sorry for attacking you.+

Twilight looked up at me after that with a shocked expression. “You want coffee that's darker than this?”

I nodded.

“You're crazy.” 

I nodded again. 

“... Point taken. As for your apology, I suppose that we did make it seem a bit... suspicious... Though I didn't quite expect the reaction you gave...” By this time all three of my audience was looking at me. 

+Yeah... Well, I guess Dr. Song knocked some sense back into me. Nice job there, BTW, but I thought you were some kind of... IDK, I guess I just way over-reacted.

Oh, and my name's Richard. Ulrich's a pseudonym+

Dr. Song eyed the paper while seeming to collect herself. “So its true then... you really are intelligent?”

I nodded.

Dr. Song grabbed her head in her hooves and leaned onto the table.

Meanwhile, Twilight read the paper and looked up at me. “So... Rikard...”
I shook my head at her. 
+Ri   CH  R Duh+
“Alright, Richard,”
I nodded.
“What is BTW and IDK?”

+Just shorthand from my world. We call it 'texting talk' or 'txtng tlk.' It makes it simpler to communicate via textual responses. BTW stands for By The Way, and IDK stands for I Don't Know.+

“Oh MY GOSH! Max never said anything about this! I just realized I have not one, but TWO people from another world! You've got to tell me EVERYTHING about your world! I mean, Max told me a lot, but there must be so much more! How do you even MPPHH MPHH MMMPHHH.... mmphh” Her speech was cut off by Max's (THAT'S his name, right!) hand. I nodded in thanks, and he just smiled.

“That's just a bit creepy there...” Dr. Song said looking at Max's smile. I tilted my head downwards and did a much more evil version of Max's smile.  “And of course, you would top it. Why am I always stuck with that type of human?” She sighed. At least she seemed to be accepting my sentience now.

+HEY! I'll have you know I graduated from Smartass university with top marks and a PhD in Sarcasm and a Bachelor’s in Snarky remarks!+

“There's a smartass university where you come from?” Twilight asked in earnest. 

Max and I facepalmed at exactly the same time.  Twilight didn't seem to notice. 

+Yes, it has a campus full of unicorns and rainbows+

“REALLY? Max said that there were no unicorns at all in his home other than in some myths!” 

By this time, even Dr. Song was facepalming. Hoofing. Whatever. 

+Once again, the efforts of sarcasm are not transferable though a textual medium+

“Wait... You've.... You've been stringing me along this whole time, haven't you?” I nodded. Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Eheh....”

+Yes. Yes I have.+

Max was barely holding in the laughter. 

“Shut up, Max!” Twilight said, half-heartedly hitting Max in the arm. I smiled at the two.
+You guys act like a couple+ I wrote down, sticking my tongue out at them.  Max reeled a way and made a (fake) big deal about it, pantomiming gagging and denial, but what was interesting was the burning red face of Twilight. Also apparently ponies' fur turned red when they blushed. Anyway, I knew exactly why Twilight was blushing, but I filed t away for use as later ammunition.

A few minutes later the rambunctiousness of our little group died down, and we got ready for a serious conversation. I got another cup of coffee. For a moment, we just sat there, staring at the center of the table. Finally, Dr. Song spoke up.

“So this is really happening. You're actually intelligent, Ulri- I mean.... Richard...” 

+Yup... At least, I think I'm intelligent. Jury's still out on that one...+ 

Dr. Song smiled. “Well, I guess this is an interesting phenomenon. Though I still want to know why your lifethreads are missing the gene in every other sentient being. Well... missing part of he gene at least.”

“You were able to sequence his lifethreads?” Twilight asked, astonished. 

“Well, yes. I was at the Canterlot Human Laboratories.”

“The CHL let you use their sequencer?”

I smacked my hand on the table to interrupt the ponies.

+Hold up, what are lifethreads?+


Dr. Song opened her mouth, but Twilight beat her to the punch. “Lifethreads are a series of protien sequences first discovered by Charneigh Darwin Before the Celestial Era. He theorized that all living organisms harbored similar but unique codes upon which their bodily structure was based, and that these codes mixed to form the many similar, but differing, genes that are expressed by living organisms. His theories weren't proven until year 100 of the Celestial Era, during which an anonymous thaumatogical scientist invented a spell which allowed any unicorn to delve into the genomes of any living organism, even from just a small sample. 

The difference was that Charneigh theorized that there was only one master set hidden inside a creatures brain, while the anonymous thaumatologist discovered that each separate cell of an organism held the lifethreads.”

Everyone was silent for a moment. Max looked confused, while Dr. Song was just a bit miffed about being cut off. Thankfully, I had been able to follow along and realized what Twilight was talking about.

+So, you mean DNA?+

“Uhh... DNA?”

+Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid+

Twilight pedaled back in alarm. “NO No no... No... There's no acid in a pony's body, at least, not like that! I mean, there's stomach acid, but...”

Myself and Max both facepalmed.

+No, DNA is called acid because it is a.... You know, I'm not actually sure why its called an acid.... Whatever the case, it's not an acid like HCl. It's just called acid.+

"Do continue." Twilight said, waving her hoof in a circle while pulling up a quill and some paper ready to write. Even Dr. Song looked interested.

+Well, in the nucleus of each cell of the human body, there are 23 chromsome pairs, 46 chromosomes in all, and-+

“Wait.” Twilight interrupted my writing, “23 pairs of chromosomes? That can't be right. Humans only have 24 total chromosomes!” 

“She's right.” Affirmed Dr. Song.

I gave them both my best “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” looks. 

+Two things. ONE I KNOW how many chromosomes I have. Two, How the hell did you sequence my DNA without knowing how many chromosomes I had?+

“Well,” Dr. Song answered, “we don't actually look for the chromosomes, in fact the thaumitologist who devised the spell, as Twilight was saying, didn't even know that chromosomes existed. I literally just looked at the sequences of your lifethreads, and I only searched for specific genes.”

+That... makes a lot more sense than it should. Anyway, as I was saying, each chromosome contains miles of highly condensed strands of DNA, which are further condensed by their double-helix nature. I think they contain two oxygen atoms, a ribose, and a nucleic acid, hence the name. There are four types of nucleic acid, which are...+

I trailed off. I actually couldn't remember. Come on high-school biology, don't fail me now!

“Which are...” Twilight said impatiently. I held up a finger for one moment. 

+I think its... Adenine, Glycose? No.... G-something, Cytosine and...+

I couldn't remember the last one.... It was.... uh I smashed my head into my hands. Trying to think... Oh, right!

+and Thymine. They fit together in a specific pattern, A-T and G-C, and never formed bonds with another type of nucleic acid. Therefore if one side of the helix had A, the other side was T, and if one side was C the other was G and so forth. 

This base-four style of coding is what enables such complex features in a 3D organism.+

Max scratched his head as he looked at what I wrote.

+Wow. You paid attention in bio?+ He wrote out to me. I gave him a deadpan look and turned back to Twilight, who seemed to be pondering something, along with Dr. Song.

“This.... This is actually very helpful.” Twilight spoke up finally. “We never actually knew what lifethreads looked like, in fact it was only theorized that they were thread-like in shape.... Now that we know this, we can make so many advances. Maybe even genetic modification on living hosts! You must tell me more!”

+Yeah.... Maybe later...+ I did not like the manic look in her eyes. +Anyway, Dr. Song, you were saying something about a missing gene?+

“Oh, right...” Dr. Song said. “Oh, and just call me Melody or Mel for short. I may be a Doctor, but I didn't go to school just to have the title. Anyway, in every living sentient creature to date, there has always been a key genetic signature in it's lifethreads. It was always the same, and only ever found in sentient creatures. In fact, it was used as a test for sentience for about a hundred years after it's discovery, though Celestia intervened and abolished the practice after a griffon who refused to get tested was forced to live as a circus animal without talking for a number of years. Even to this day they talk about how that field is still burning from her rage.”

I gave Dr. Song a weird look.

“Hey, it was a peat field, and besides, I'm kind of a history nut when it comes to medical things. Anyway, the point is you are missing a key aspect of that gene, one that us medical professionals have theorized is the 'magic gene' that is responsible for the great expansion of the magical 'tank,' if you will, of said creature.”

+Magical.... tank?+

“I've got this one.” Twilight said before Dr. Song had a chance. “Every living being in the known world has a unique signature more than just their lifethreads. It's a magical signature, and it is created the moment independent life is gifted to the organism. Even the planet has it's own vast signature. This 'signature' is often referred to as a magical reservoir, or 'tank.' However, the size of this reservoir varies from creature to creature. The planet and this plane of reality have the largest known reservoir ever, and it makes sense since all magical energy comes from those two things. Then comes true alicorns and the elder gods, those who were born when this world came to be. Princesses Celestia and Luna are the only known surviving alicorns from that time, and Princess Cadence and myself were recently 'ascended' to alicornship. Discord, the god of Chaos, is the only known elder god left in this world. All others either became part of the fabric of reality or moved on to a higher plane of existence. Or so we're told.

"Next comes sentient beings, which includes ponies, zebra, griffons, dragons, and minotaurs, although there are also many more. This is where the bulk of magical power in organisms is held mainly due to the size of the population coupled with the massive gulf between the size of their reservoirs and the size of animals'. Sentient beings also use their magic the most, be it in strength, like the Earth Ponies and Minotaurs, Flight, like the Griffons, Pegasi or Dragons, intelligence (sometimes referred to as shamanism, although it's a misnomer to describe those who understand the world better than others) like the Dragons or Zebras, or in the application of thaumitological energy, which is mainly the unicorn's domain.

"Then comes animals, which have a significantly reduced magical reservoir. They also use their magic, although guided only by instinct. Finally comes plants and microorganisms, which were only recently discovered,  which only use their magic to grow at an increased pace or to maintain their own internal homeostasis with their current size.”

Once again we were all rendered speechless(metaphorically in mine and Max's case). Finally, Max made a move.

+This is all fine and dandy, but let's get back to the original reason we are here. Where are you from, Richard, and how did you get to Ponyville?+

I had to think for a moment before answering.

+It was long ago, in a galaxy far, far-+ Max grabbed my pencil.

+Don't. It's not worth it. Besides, I already tried that one.+

I sighed. 

 Well, it's still a long story...

For the rest of the day, and quite a while into the night we talked. I told them my story, Max told me his. Twilight was most interested in the logistics and reasons behind the SCA. She also asked if maybe my involvement in Heavy Fighting is what caused my aggressive and instinctual outburst earlier. I just shook my head at that. Seeing that she had insulted me, she was quick to apologize. I just waved it off, partially because her next question was what my shield was. Apparently, the ponies' idea of a shield is either a ceremonial crest or a large magical bubble. Though it does make sense since a standard shield would be unusable by quadrupeds. Melody wanted to know more about me and my personal life, likes, interests and all that. Max just wanted to see me in my armor. Something about it being 'Fucking Awesome Sounding.' 

After my story, we got into the nitty gritty of what to do from then on. A few of the ideas involved either me or Max living together at either Dr. Song's or Twilight's house. In the end, it was decided that Max and I would spend the next few weeks on various 'play-dates,' during which I was to be taught hoof-language by Twilight and Max, and that we would put our collective heads together to find a way home. Until then, Melody decided to give me the guest room in her house, as well as anything else I might need. She felt bad about the whole experimentation thing. Finally we drank the last of the coffee, wrote the last of the necessary information, talked the last of the discussion, and lost over half of a pencil into a sharpener. It was a good night. 

As we were preparing to leave, however, Twilight offered to let us stay at the library since it was so late. Melody accepted. What followed next was what could only be described as a bid between Twilight and Melody as to who would give up their sleeping spot the most. At one point both of them would have been sleeping on Max's pillow while Max and I were in Twilight's bed. 

In the end, Max and I stepped in and offered a solution. Max wanted his pillow, I would sleep in his bed in the basement, Dr. Song would get the couch, and Twilight would sleep in her bed. That way it would be the least suspicious if someone wandered in. 

With everything said and done, we all retired to our separate sleeping areas. I fell upon the magnificent bed in the basement, melting into the softness of the mattress. I had been sleeping on what amounted to a rock for the past few weeks, and, while I'm generally used to that what with all my camping, it was good to be back in a real bed.

It's too bad I had all that coffee... Not even a bed this comfortable couldZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz...
> Chapter 6: Communication Established [REWRITTEN]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next week and a half passed rather quickly. Twilight was a cruel mistress when it came to teaching, and I was pleasantly surprised when I could actually communicate most concepts in so little a time. Then again, being a mute might have expedited that process, but it was still the quickest time I've ever learned a language in. To put it in perspective, I took two years of Spanish in High School, and only remember two phrases. “Servesa por favor,” and “Donde esta el bano?”

Then again, hoof-language was slightly intuitive. The way the beats of the front and back hooves, or, in my case, hands and feet, melted together formed the phonetic words, which would allow one of sufficient skill to make up words of their own and still be understood. Thus it constituted a 'living' language. Though it was still a rather hard concept to try to create your own words, even Twilight struggled with it.

After hoof-language lessons, me and Max both had some other 'class' to take, dealing with practically everything to do with pony culture, while Dr. Song skipped out and went home or read a book. We also taught Twilight about human culture. Currently, I was in a rather heated argument with Twilight about gravity, the law of conservation of energy, and quite a bit of Quantum Mechanics-like things. 

+Look, all I say is it impossible to move object many million times larger than planet around planet without extreme gravitational and electromagnetic disturbance ripping planet apart, plus energy required is more than in your star system.+

“And all I'm saying is that the Princesses magic is more than sufficient to both move the sun and deal with any of these 'so called' gravometric waves that you say would occur from moving the sun. Not that it occurs at all.” Twilight retorted, her angered state more than enough to ignore the horrible grammar that I'm sure I had.

+Look,+ I pointed to a visual representation of the Sol system. +The size of sun in my solar system is one hundred and nine diameters of Earth. It is three hundred thousand times mass Earth. Your  sun has be about same size compared in order to support life. Object that large generates gigantic amount of gravity force, which what keeps planet in orbit. We far enough out that our forward momentum is perpe- per- continued by sun gravity, which also keep us near sun. This stabilizes orbit around sun. Planet then turn on axis while orbit sun, making illusion sun rise. No Princess make rise.+

“URRGGHHH” Twilight said, throwing her hooves into the air. “There's no way that there is enough force behind the 'gravity' of the sun to do that. Everypony knows that gravity is just a by-product of the magical field that is apart of Equestria. Not the 'mass' involved.”

I facepalmed. +Gravity is create because Higgs Bosons want pull matter together. More matter, more bosons, more gravity. Not 'Magic field.” Just because 'Princess claim this, not make true.+

“You're impossible!” Twilight said, dragging a hoof down her face. 

+Are you two quite done?+ Max asked, waltzing into the library's main room from the basement. He had left the argument about half an hour ago, claiming it was hopeless to try to convince Twilight of reality. 

“I am. Richard is just.... UGGHH!” She stormed off into the kitchen.

+So... have you told her that the Princess is probably using her claims to control the populous?+ Max asked.

+No... Not yet.+ I replied.

+Warn me before you do. I'll dig your grave for you.+

+Funny.+

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

+So, how Fluttershy?+ I asked, trying to simultaneously break the tension and release the boredom.

+Fine, fine. Still thinks I'm malnourished, but I think that's just a recurrence of her first impression of me.+

We lapsed into silence again. We could hear Twilight banging something around in the kitchen. 

+How go it with Rainbow?+ I said after another minute.

Max laughed. +She's still kicking my ass, though I am starting to have a chance at beating her.+

I let out a hum as I thought. +Hey... want learn how to fight?+

Max sat up. +What?+

+You want me teach you how to fight?+

He seemed to perk up a bit at the thought. +Sure. Plus I bet it will relieve some of the boredom I've had recently.+

+Me too.+ I said, standing up. I motioned for Max to follow me. We exited the library into the small, enclosed back yard that it had. There wasn't much in the way of luxury in the small green expanse, but it would suit our needs.

+Okay. First, you attack me. I need know you current level. So no hold back.+ 

Max looked unsure. +Are... Really? How... but I...+

+Just attack, you son of silly person! You mother was hamster and father smelled of berries!+

Max's eyes grew hard. + You did not just quote M... Mou... Mon…. That movie in order to provoke me!+

I could tell right away that his anger was faked, and that he was holding in laughter. Thankfully, however, he obeyed my command and charged headlong at me, his fist ready to knock my clock. 

Unfortunately for him, he was doing something that you only really see in animes, where the character rushes in, fists behind them to deliver a 'devastating' blow. I neatly sidestepped, grabbed his fist as he swung, stuck out my foot, and then used his arm to guide his fall into a half-nelson hold, with my knee putting pressure on the shoulder of his free arm. 

It was over in under ten seconds. 

I shifted my position, pushing his arm up just enough to incite pain, and tried to communicate with my three free limbs. 

+You... power much use... use need dexterity much, no power+

It was incredibly hard for me to even sign that out, taking far longer than I originally wished to hold him for. But at least it seemed to make the message sink in. Just as I was about to release him, however, I heard a crash from the library and Twilight screaming “MAX!”

I looked up just in time to be flung back by this large purple beam. I slammed into the fence, the wood groaning in complaint but holding. The whole world was spinning around me. My head was pounding. I tried to stand, only to crash and fall like I was drunk. Blearily, I looked up to see Max doing... something in front of a purple blob. I couldn't hear past the ringing in my ears. I felt my arm give out under me and then darkness embraced me. 





I awoke to the far to familiar feeling of Twilight's couch. Just like the time before, I had a horrible headache, pounding away like some dwarf had decided my head was a perfect place for a forge. I groaned. 

“Richard! Thank Celestia you're alright!” Twilight said nearby. A moment later I was glomped by a large, furry object. “I'm so sorry, I just saw Max in that position, and I reacted,andnowyourgoingtohatemeandthenyou'llgetdiscoveredandPrincessCelestiawillfindoutImisusedmypowersandthenI'llgetbanishedtosomefarawaylandandlockedinadungeon and I'm so sorry!”

I just sat there awkwardly as Twilight sobbed into my chest. Max and Dr. Song were both nearby, the former barely holding in laughter and the latter holding an expression somewhere between amusement and concern. 

+Twilight. Bad headache. I forgive. Please release.+ I was able to sign out once she started breathing in a more normal range. 

“You forgive me?” she asked, stepping back. 

+Yes. But headache. Ad.. Adv... medicine please+ 

Twilight perked up, running a hoof through her unkempt mane. “Right. Thank you so much! I'm so sorry.... I'll go make some willowbark tea. That should help!”

I watched as she practically flew into the kitchen. I shook my head at her antics, only to realize my mistake as the throbbing worsened.

“So you got knocked out again, huh?” Dr. Song asked in a playful tone. 

+I blame you ponies. You need not make habit of this.+

Dr. Song and Max both laughed. I chuckled as well.

+So, Max, next time let us tell Twilight before fight practice.+  

+That's probably a good idea.+ Max said. 

The next few hours passed during which I recovered from yet again being laid low by ponies. Twilight would not stop apologizing the whole time, which eventually became a great source of amusement. Eventually, Twilight believed me when I said I'd forgive her. This did not stop her from inviting Dr. Song and myself on a beach trip that she and the 'girls,' a group of five friends plus Twilight, had been planning for a while. Dr. Song and I both loved the idea. 

She also expressed concern over why her spell had such an effect on me. It was only meant to stun a creature, and it shouldn't have even affected me, or so she said. She did theorize that my 'shroud'-like abilities were wearing off, and that she thought she knew the cause. However, she didn't elaborate, instead sending me and Dr. Song back home for the day.

+That big mess, right?+ I signed off to Dr. Song.

It took her a moment to respond as she translated the hoof-language. “Yes... Yes it was.”

+At least it got us beach trip!+

“Yes, well there's that.” Dr. Song said, smiling. “So, anyway, what do you want for dinner?” 

+Truthfully, I'd love nice, juicy steak. Or meat any kind...+

“I know you would, but we've been over this. You can't really get meat in Ponyville, and it's too expensive to import from Canterlot.”

I sighed. +I know....

Eventually, Dr. Song decided on a nice pasta dish. It was somewhere between spaghetti and linguini, and it had a wonderfully hand, sorry, hoof-made sauce with just the right amount of garlic. It almost made up for the lack of meat. Just as I was getting a second helping, however, I had an idea. 

+Dr. Song?+ I signed out.

“Hmm?” She finished chewing. “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Melody?” she half-scolded.  

+Sorry, Melody. Look, I want know. Do ponies have bows?+

“Bows?” She asked, confused. “What kind of bows? Ties? Ribbons? Instrumental?”

+No... like in bows and arrows. Cross bow, or even long bow?+

“Why yes, we do. Though it's rare to find a longbow outside of specialized communities.”

+Would be possible get one? Plus twenty four arrows?+

“Yeah, sure! They're rather simple to make with magic, and cheap too. Though I'd need to special-order them... Hmmm...” 

+I'd be willing do stuff for them!+

“Alright, I'll order it tomorrow when I'm in town.” She said,  “Though I have to ask, why do you want them?”

+I... need bow practice?+ I couldn't exactly tell her the real reason I wanted one, and that was the first excuse that came to my head. Thankfully she bought it.

“Fair enough. We'll probably have to set up a range somewhere out of the way....”

+By Everfree? Nopony want go there anyway!+ 

“That's a great idea! Can you make it yourself though? I'm going to have to get back to work soon.”

+Sure.+

“Great!”

The next day Dr. Song went out after hoof-language classes to order my new bow. I had sorted the poundage and draw length out with her beforehand, though  both her eyes and Twilight's nearly fell out of their skulls when I told them I pulled a 55lb bow. Apparently the world record for bow strength was just under 45lbs. At least they could still make a powerful enough bow. Step 1 of Operation: Meat Hunks was underway. 

The next two hours were spent in one of Twilight's history lectures, which would have put my own history teacher to shame. She managed to drone on through myself and Max defeating each other in thumb wrestling, over which Spike refereed, after which we decided to out-climb eachother up the bookcases, and wound up needing Spike and Owloiscious's help putting the books back on their cases. In comparison, my History teacher managed to lecture through a Mariachi band that  few seniors decided to send through to every class for a week. That was glorious. Sadly, there were no Mariachi bands in sight and Twilight had just turned around to see me doing a rather rude impersonation of her using my desk sideways on Max's as a chalkboard. 

"Did you to pay any attention at all?" Twilight asked, seriously irritated. 

I looked at Max, prompting him forward with my hands. He shook his head wildly and pushed me ahead of him. 

+Well... I... It was Max idea?+

I watched as Twilight's right eye twitched, before she visibly calmed herself. "Alright... I'll... Just... Oh just go outside and play..." Twilight said, exasperated. I shrugged and went outside, Max on my heels. A few moments later we heard Twilight scream from inside. 

"WHO TOUCHED SHELF A-3?!?! NOW I HAVE TO RESHELVE  THE WHOLE LOWER SECTION! SPIIIIKKKEEE!!!"

I looked at Max, barely managing to hide a grin and saw that MAx was doing the same thing. 

+Let not us speak of this+ I signed.

+Agreed+

I gestured to the backyard. +Shall we begin?+ Max nodded.

+Alright. This time, attack me without a runnup. Do not move you legs, just move you upper body.+ I instructed Max. He pulled his right fist all the way back and gave a full swing. I effortlessly blocked it, and then used his own momentum to send him tumbling to the ground. 

+Once again, you use much power. Watch this.+

I got him back to his feet and we both changed into a fighting stance. I took a deep breath, before jabbing out with my hand. Max flinched, bringing his hands up to block but he failed. I hit him in the shoulder hard enough to send him sprawling. He staggered back up to his feet, clutching at his shoulder. 

+See? The big attack you tried was too pre...  perdi... foreseeable. My quick jab had just as much power as behind that as well. Plus, I know to clench hand just before impact, not as I swing. It increase power behind punch.+

Max nodded, still holding his shoulder.

+Now for the fun part. Knowing how to fight and have strength to fight are two different thing. So drop and let's do twenty.+

Max gave me a disbelieving look, before I pulled a drill sergeant/ancient chinese martial instructor mix move on him and punched him in the stomach. 

+You want be fighter? You need strength and knowledge. The mind just as important as body. You so far focus on mind. Now we focus on body as well.+

This time he dropped with me and started doing pushups. We had no counter, so I just kept telling him to get back to it after he stopped. An hour later, my plan was working and I forced myself and Max to do over a hundred push-ups. I didn't mind, but Max had necessitated breaks after every thirty push-ups or so. By the end of it, I was pleasantly sore and Max was drop-dead exhausted. 

+Workout, why you hurt so much!+ Max asked no one in particular. No one in particular, of course, didn't answer. 


The next two days passed in much the same way. I got gradually better at hoof language, I learned more pony history, and then I taught Max fighting. I also instilled in him the difference between a fight and a brawl (which, if you want to know, is that a fight is to the death and only entered in for survival and never willingly, and a brawl is what you'd see in a high-school hallway. Or a bar), and I started carefully nurturing a seed of self-restraint so that by the time I taught him everything I knew I wouldn't have created a monster. 

On the third day Dr. Song had to go back to work. She 'walked' me to Twilight's to spend the day. After lessons, however, I snuck back to her house and gathered a bunch of materials and then went off into the forest. Within two hours, I had built a nice-looking and mostly well-hidden archery range. There was still some work to do, but at least I could use it now. I also set a few snares, which I think I made correctly, in the hopes of catching a rabbit or some other, similar appetizing creature. 

Two hours later I was making my way to Dr. Song's house in the hopes of being there before she got home. Sadly, I was too late.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Dr. Song's voice echoed out from a chair in her living room the moment I opened the door. "Why did you leave Twilight's and not come straight here? I've been worried sick! The first time I get a human and this is how you behave?"

My lips set a fine line as I heard her words, anger rising in my chest. +I am NOT your human. I never was. I be someone who live in your house, yes. I be your guest, yes. I am NOT your property, and I WILL NOT be treated so.+

Dr. Song, who was already angry, became even more enraged. "You think that I am treating you like a would a human? I let you sleep in the guest room for Celestia's sake! I give you food and shelter, and I can't expect a tenth-bit in return!  I even ordered you a bow, just because you wanted to 'practice'! And THIS is how you betray me, accusing me of treating you like an animal!"

+You seem to think I am your pet. You think I need 'permission' from you to go where I want. Well, guess what, missy, I don't. I could grab my stuff and go to the forest and survive, and I'd have much more freedom there! I'm not some second-rate citizen! I'm a living, breathing, sentient human being, and I demand to be treated as such!+

Dr. Song's withers slumped as I sat there simmering. "I... I'm sorry. You're right." Her ears drooped as she said the words, flattening out beside her head. "I... I was just worried. I know there are plenty of ponies out there that have now problem just takign a human, and... I just couldn't stand the thought of you just disappearing."

It was my turn to slump as the guilt set in. +Look, I'm sorry. I just... I am more thand capable of looking after myself. I know you are worried, and I shouldn't flaunt your concern. I'm just... +

Dr. Song's eyes softened. “I guess... I guess I can understand. You're probably used to being able to go where you want, and this can't be easy for you... I just... I don't want you getting hurt.”

+Thanks, mother+ I signed sarcastically, winking at her to let her know I was joking. 

“Alright, I won't berate you anymore...  Just... tell me next time when you want to go out, alright?”

I nodded. 

“Now go get some rest. Remember, the beach trip is in a few days, and we want to be all ready for it!”

I sighed, shaking my head as I went to my room. I was rather tired. 
> Chapter 7: What a Beach
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Richard! RICHARD!" I groaned as I slowly surfaced from sleep. I had been dreaming about skinning and cooking a nice rabbit into a stew, and it was real enough that it made my mouth water just thinking back on it. Sadly, Dr. Song's voice yanked me from such pleasure.  Groaning again, I rolled out of the slightly too small bed and onto my feet. 

"Richard, wake up already!" Dr. Song yelled, hoofsteps echoing up the stairs and to my door. I stomped on the floor twice to let her know I was awake. "Get dressed quickly, we need to pack for the beach today!" 

Her statement gave me enough of a jolt to pull on my underwear, leggings and tunic. I grabbed my belt off of the nightstand and left the room, knowing that a steaming mug of restorative brew would be waiting on the breakfast bar in the kitchen. Ever since she had found out about my near-addiction to coffee, Dr. Song had been making sure to have a pot ready and a mug poured for me if she woke up first, which she normally did. On the few occasions where I was the first one up I made sure to return the favor. 

When I reached the kitchen I was happy to find nothing had changed and that Dr. Song was in the midst of cooking eggs and toast, with some hay bacon for herself and a bag of bacon treats for me. I grabbed my mug and moved to a seat, tapping out a quick +Good Morning+ to Dr. Song as I sat down. 

"Good morning to you as well." Dr. Song said, smiling as she flipped the eggs. "Twilight said to meet her around ten and to bring some stuff for the picnic. I was thinking about whipping up some of that blueberry tart from last Friday, and bringing some of the bacon treats for you and Max. What do you think?"

I took a sip of my coffee before answering. +Well, the tart would be a good idea, but doesn't it have to be cooled for two hours after baking?+ I looked meaningfully at the clock on the wall, showing that it was just after eight in the morning.

"Oh ponyfeathers. I should have thought about this yesterday!" Dr. Song said, adding another curse under her breath. 

+How about some of that Beer Bread recipe on the fridge?+ I had actually been moderately surprised when I had found out the ponies had alcohol, but it was a pleasant one. I had made sure to get at least the occasional IPA (Indian Pony Ale) or a Stallion Red six pack when Dr. Song went shopping. 

"But, I've never made it before. I don't want to bring something that I don't know how it will turn out!" Dr. Song replied, flipping the eggs and respective bacon onto our plates. 

+I've made beer bread before. It's delicious. Hell, I'll even make it if you want me to+ I replied. 

"That would be lovely, but umm... What is hell?" Dr. Song said. I chuckled quietly. I had made sure to translate expletives from English to... whatever the pony/English hybrid language was, and while most of them were already here, words like 'Hell' and 'Motherfucker' were blatantly absent. I felt it was my cheerful duty to educate the locals by transferring curses over in a way they'd be able to understand it. Or at least the phonetics of it.

+It's a mild swear from my world. Nothing big, and surprisingly useful.+

"O-kay then..." Dr. Song went back to eating her meal, while I sipped contentedly at my coffee, the food already having been wolfed down seconds before. 

After breakfast was finished, Dr. Song started doing the dishes while I got to baking. First off, some flour, water, and quite a bit of sugar, and started mixing them together in a bowl. Then I took out one of the IPAs and popped the cap, taking a swig of it before splashing a generous helping into the dough I had made. Next was some kneading. and then some more kneading, and just one more knead for good measure. Finally, I formed the dough into a roughly circular shape with a slightly raised edge, and doused the whole thing in beer. Then I turned to the oven, adjusting the grate from the firebox underneath before slipping the bread inside. 

You see, the ponies were in a... weird technological paradox. Since they had magic, many advances humans had made, computers, cars, planes, electricity grids, simply didn't exist. Others, such as ovens, washing machines, dishwashers, were mainly still in the medieval stage while a few in the 'big industries' were at the 1900s level of tech. If that. So the oven in Dr. Song's house had to have a fire set underneath with coals to heat it, and a metal... flap, for lack of a better word, had to be used to adjust the amount of heat in the oven.  With magic, it made it easier to start said fires, but didn't help with much else.  I was grateful that I at least knew how to cook with a fire from my time in the SCA. 

About half an hour later a wonderful aroma began to fill Dr. Song's house. Taking a quick peak in the oven showed that the dough had turned a nice golden brown, with an uneven top crust where the beer was. I gave it another couple minutes to ensure the ineer dough had cooked all the way, before pulling it out of the oven and setting it on a counter. Dr. Song eyed the bread appreciatively. 

"I have to say this looks like an excellent bread." Dr. Song said, "but looks can be deceiving." 

I gave her a hurt look. +How can you say that! You'll hurt his feelings!+ I signed mockingly. +Don't worry, Bear Bread, you'll be loved at the picnic.+ 

"Alright, alright. I'll trust you on this one. Though I will have to take the credit for making it. I don't think anyone would believe me if I said a human made it. No offense." Dr. Song said.

+None taken.+ I replied cheerily. 

We spent another hour getting various bits and bobs together while the bread cooled on the counter. Finally, we had everything together in a small basket: a towel for lounging on, a plate for Dr. Song, a bag of bacon treats for me and Max, and the bread wrapped in a small tablecloth. 

I started lacing on my boots, but stopped as Dr. Song approached me, a collar in her grip and apology in her eyes.

"Richard, I'm sorry, but the beach requires all humans have a collar on..." She trailed off, the collar floating there. She had taken it off the morning after our little argument as an olive branch. She knew I was against being treated as an animal, and I felt honestly touched by the gesture. 

+Alright. Put it on me.+ I tapped out, resigned to my fate. +Though I'm gonna need to talk to Max about keeping all this secret.+ He was the only reason I hadn't thrown off the collar and 'came out,' as it were, the day after being discovered. He just asked me to keep it a secret for now, and I acquiesced. Now I was starting to get annoyed with it. 

With my collar on and a basket on Dr. Song's back we started off towards the beach. My leash was thankfully absent,  apparently well-behaved humans didn't need to be on leashes. It was a win in my book though. A few minutes later we could see Twilight and Max talking with some maroon mare with a trio of flowers Cutie Mark. Twilight had told me of cutie marks a week ago, but I still found the concept confusing and mildly insulting. It would suck to have to obey a preset 'destiny' about your life. 

"That's Cheerilie, the school teacher." Dr. Song cut in. 

+Well, whatever she said it certainly embarrassed both Twilight and Max.+ I said as I watched Twilight's and Max's faces glow crimson while Cheerilie left chuckling. +Let's see whats up!+

We sped up our pace as we neared Twilight, Dr. Song calling out a greeting. Twilight and Max both stopped and turned to face us. 

"Hey Melody, hey Richard." Twilight said. 

+Sup+ Max signed. Apparently he had worked on making slang in hoof-language. 

+So...+ I tapped out, +What was that all about with the school teacher?+

"Nothing" Twilight said quickly, followed by Max's head nodding. 

"Richard, play nice." Dr. Song said. "Anyway, we've got some stuff for the picnic. Richard made some beer bread, and I've got some treats for both Max and Richard."

"Aren't they a little, oh, I don't know, too intelligent for treats?" Twilight said condescendingly, Max once again nodding along with her sentiment. I just smiled knowingly. 

"You'd be surprised." Dr. Song replied, pulling out the bag with her magic and grabbing two strips of pure deliciousness out. 

Max just stopped, looking at what was in the bag. +Is that what I think it is?+ He asked. I nodded. 

"Alright boys, sit!" Dr. Song called out. 

"Melody, as much as these might be treats for regular humans, I don't think waving them around is going to... do anything?" Twilight just gaped as she saw both myself and Max sitting in front of Dr. Song, staring at the bacon. 

"Alright, now roll over." Dr. Song commanded. Max and I were perfect mirrors of eachother as we rolled left and right respectively. Twilight's mouth just gaped wider. "Now play dead." Max just went limp where he was, while I stood up and did the best impersonation of a stabbed man as I could, even going so far as to throw in coughs, winces, death throes, and a death rattle. 

"Good boys!" Dr. Song said, holding the bacon out. I grabbed mine and immediately stuffed my face while Max signed out 
+Baaaacccccoooooonnnn!+

"I don't believe this" Twilight said, facehoofing. 

"Alright, no more till the beach." Dr. Song reprimanded. Me and Max both gave her puppy dog eyes. "I mean it!" 

I sighed, gesturing Max to the beach. From an outsiders perspective, it would have looked like we were just told that Christmas/Yuletide (I wasn't sure what Max believed in) was cancelled and we were instead going off to work in the coal mines. 

We walked for about another mile, eventually cresting a hill. Below us was a large lake, probably about a mile and a half in diameter. Along the closest edge was a large beach full of ponies, with a line of sand dunes leading its way towards us. We had stopped as a group instinctively, shading our eyes as we peered down the slope. 

"Before we go on." Twilight said, inviting all of us to look at her, "I should warn you two." She gestured to myself and Dr. Song, "Rarity is going to be there with us."

"Rarity? The designer? Ok? Why should we be warned?" Dr. Song asked confused. 

"Well... If you remember the incident with Sweetie Belle a little while ago?" Twilight said, her hoof describing circles in the air.

Dr. Song winced. "Yeah... That was horrible. But what does that have to do with..."

"Well, Rarity kinda... has this... thing against humans now, so she'll be a bit more... icy than she normally is. I didn't tell her that either of us would be bringing our humans, so she might be a little... confrontational about it."

"Oh." Dr. Song said in understanding. I, however, was lost.

+What's all this then?+ I tapped out in confusion.

"Well," Twilight said, "Basically Sweetie Belle, Rarity's little sister, was attacked by a human not to long ago and, as a result, she ah... she lost her eye... So there's a bit of tension between Rarity and all humans nowadays."

+Ouch. I get it. I'll just.. avoid her I guess?+

"Probably for the best." Twilight said. "Anyway, we might as well get to the beach, or else we'll be late!" And with that she started trotting down towards the lake. We followed shortly. Once we reached the beach itself we could make out much more detail. I could see Pegasi diving from low clouds they had probably moved there themselves, while other ponies either splashed around or laid in the sun. Every now and again there would be a human with a group of ponies, but every one of them was closer to the sand dunes than the lake. I shrugged the observation aside as Twilight pointed to a specific group of ponies.

"There they are." Looking more closely, I made out five distinct ponies. I could see that three of them were playing volleyball while one of them spectated and a fifth was lying down and...  Is she trying to tan? I thought to myself as I saw the white coated, purple-maned pony lying there with one of those three-sided mirrors on top of her. Of the five, she was the only one I couldn't identify, so I guessed by elimination that she was Rarity. The others I had seen around town or in the library. Applejack when Dr. Song brought me along to buy groceries, Fluttershy on the off occasions that she visited the library to check up on Max, Pinkie Pie I had seen practically everywhere, and, of course, Rainbow Dash, the pony that seemed intent on ripping Max limb from limb, playfully. 

I had seen her on multiple occasions surprise attack Max, my first time witnessing it being the day I was discovered. Had I known it was a normal occurrence, or if I couldn't have done anything about it I'd probably still be inside the cage in Dr. Song's basement. Anyway, she was the only one of the four that seemed to genuinely not like me, though she had warmed up to me a little bit after she crashed into the library one time and fell on top of me. She still seemed a little scared of me though.

"Hello everypony!" Twilight called, halting the game and bringing attention to out little group. Almost immediately I saw Fluttershy zoom over and glomp onto Max. Had I not already seen it before and/or knew the person/pony that had done it, I would have been trying to separate the yellow ball of hugs from Max. Every time she dropped by, though, she gave him a massive hug, so I knew it was benevolent. As I looked back I saw that Rarity had sat up from her position to see who had arrived, and her gaze became one of extreme contempt. 

"Twilight, dear, I can almost see why you would have wanted to bring that thing with you." She said, venom dripping from her voice, "but why did you see fit to invite another?"

"Hey now, Rares, that's no way to treat our friends or their pets. It's perfectly fine if they want to bring their humans with them." Applejack said. 

"The more the merrier!" Pinkie said, a massive smile plastered on her face. "Speaking of which, Dr. Song! IT's supperific that you came here! I've been wanting to invite ponies to our picnics for ages and Twilight said no, but no she's invited somepony, and it kinda confused me, but I was fine with it nonetheless, and-"

I tuned Pinkie out as she continued to talk, her babble having made everyone forget about Rarity for a moment. I moved over to sit down under the shade of an umbrella and turned to beckon Max over. I caught sight of his leash, however, and nearly burst out laughing. Apparently Twilight didn't trust him or something, because she kept a firm hold on it. I just waited under the umbrella until the girls started setting up the picnic, Twilight laying out a small checkerboard tablecloth and putting the plates out. Then she turned and attached Max's leash to the umbrella and gave him an apologetic smile. I nudged him in the side.

+Twilight keeping you on a tight leash?+ I tapped out.

+Shut up.+ Max replied, pushing me in the shoulder. I shoved him back. 

+Behave. Both of you.+ Twilight signed from her position at the picnic, not even turning her head towards us. She was in the middle of levitating a large array of drinks and sandwiches to the many plates around the cloth. 

"I made some cupcakes and cookies!" Pinkie Pie said as she pulled the aforementioned baked goods from her mane and placed them on the table. 

"I brought some apple crisp and some pie, and Granny made this here cheesecake." Applejack said, pulling it out of a small basket. 

"I... uhm... brought this.." Fluttershy said softly, pulling out what looked like deviled eggs.

"I brought myself!" Rainbow said proudly. 

"How uncouth." Rarity said, seated as far from myself and Max as possible. "I, of course, decided to bring some hors d'oeuvres, namely these sinfully delicious mini custard cakes. And what about you dear, did you bring anything? Besides that dreadful beast, of course?" The last line was directed towards Dr. Song, with jut a hint of icy venom at the end.

"Oh? Oh, right. I uhh.. made some uh, Beer Bread." Dr. Song replied, already showing me how bad of a liar she was. "I kinda found the recipe in my attic, and the beer was right there at the uhh market, so I just..."

"Beer Bread?" Pinkie Pie jutted in, seemingly confused for a moment, "OH! I've always wanted to make that! I had it once when Mr. Cake made it for this one griffon holiday, I can't remember what it was called, something about octopusses, or is that octopi? Anyway, it was apparently a big hit, but the beer was so expensive that he stopped making it and he never showed me and I'd love to make it so can you tell me the recipe?" 

"Uhh.... It was uhhh.... I'll uhh..." Dr. Song's face went red as Pinkie Pie leaned in closer to her. 

"Pinkie, leave her alone." Twilight interrupted. "I'm sure she'll give you the recipe later. Let's just enjoy the meal, ok?" 

"Okie-dokie-lokie!" Pinkie said, going back to her plate. The remaining dishes were served out, and soon the ponies were eating, leaving myself and Max looking longingly at the food. 

"You know, I must say," Rarity said a few minutes later, "I never expected something made with such a, shall I say, barbaric drink would taste so good. It is certainly a delectable treat."

"Why, thank you Rarity." Dr. Song said after swallowing a mouthful of sandwich. 

+Not to interrupt, but Max and I are rather hungry over here+ I tapped out loudly.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Dr. Song said after hearing my message. "I brought some treats for the humans too!" 

Out came the yellow bag, and with it bacon was distributed freely about the ponies. Dr. Song, of course, decided that she would show everyone how 'well behaved' Max and I were by showing off all our 'tricks.' A quick nod towards Twilight released Max from his leash, and soon we were doing all sorts of things for those strips of pure awesomeness. Everyone but Rarity, and Max and I, of course, had a smile on their faces, and Max and I were showered with bacon. It was a good day.

Sadly, the bag was soon emptied, and we plopped into the sand exhausted. Rainbow had kept commanding us to do wilder and wilder things, half of which we couldn't even do because, and I'll quote Max "+We're too stupid to understand that direction, remember?+" 

About a half hour later I was bored out of my skull. Sure, the beach was fine and all, but there was one thing that we had left to do. I nudged Max and gestured to the water in an obvious challenge. 

+Center of the Lake?+ he asked. 

+Or until the obvious winner stops! I replied cheerfully, before racing off towards the lake. It took Max a half a second before he shot after, the ponies' shouts of surprise following us. I didn't bother with the shallows, gathering up as much energy as I could before jumping clear of that water and into the lake proper about six feet out. I scraped the bottom as I dived, using it to springboard forward. One breath of air later and I was under the water swimming as fast as I could. The water itself was the clearest water I had ever had the pleasure of swimming in, giving me a full view of the bottom ten feet below me and the surface as well. I hadn't seen Max pass me yet, so I put on another burst of speed before surfacing again for another quick breath. Another underwater sprint had me burning for Oxygen and rest, so I surfaced and turned around. Max was barely a hairsbreath behind me, also surfacing. He had a wicked grin on his face.

+That. Was fun.+ He said, doing an awkward paddling dance as he tried to stay afloat and communicate. 

+Yup.+ I took a look back towards the beach, just a strip now with tiny ponies scurrying across it. I could see that a crowd had started gathering around the point that we had entered the water. I pointed it out to Max .+What has them all riled up?+ 

+I don't know, but DIVE!+ Max cut himself off with the sudden command and I dove instantly, watching as purple hooves skimmed the surface where we were.

+What was that about?+ I signed underwater to Max.

+Sorry. I saw something moving towards us. I think it's Twilight now that I got a better view+ 

+I'll not say anything dirty over that on the account I need air.+ I surfaced quickly, Max right next to me.

"What the buck is wrong with you two?" She hissed at us. 

+ What?+ Max and I signed at practically the same time. 

"What do you mean what?!" She continued, her voice raising in pitch.

+Is there a problem? Is something in the lake?+ I asked.

"Of course there is! It's you! Humans can't swim!" 

I looked at Max. He looked at me. We both looked down at ourselves, watching as we both tread water.

+I'm pretty sure you're wrong there, Twilight.+ I said after a moment of consideration, before ducking under the water in near unison with Max. I gestured to the left and kicked off, before resurfacing. 

"Will you two stop that?!" Twilight asked after she found us again. "What am I going to tell the others?" 

I shrugged at looked at Max. Max looked back at me than sighed, 

+That... you are a very smart unicorn. I mean, alicorn that taught two humans to swim?+

"UGGHH!" Twilight groaned. "Alright, just... come back closer to shore, would you?"

+Only if you get a ball.+ Max replied. 

"A ball." Twilgiht deadpanned. 

+It's a round, spherical object normally used to play games, including, but not limited to, watersports. A ball.+ I added helpfully. 

"Alright! Just come back to shore and I'll get your stupid ball!" 

We spent the next two hours messing around with the volleyball from the game earlier. After the ponies on the beach heard what had happened, most of them joined us in the water, having fun just bouncing the ball back and forth. Eventually, we all dragged our tired bodies onto the sand, falling down in exhaustion. 

+That. Was. Fun.+ I tapped out to Max slowly. He nodded. We spent another few minutes laying there, before Rainbow Dash decided to literally get the jump on Max and pounced on him. I watched on approvingly, seeing Max using several of the techniques I had taught him. Half of them were inexpertly executed, but he was at least trying. The two were at it for a few minutes until Max was eventually pinned by Rainbow. 

"Ha! Got you, big boy!" She said triumphantly, hoof bumping the air. Max just sighed. I had the ghost of a smile on my face as I looked at the two. Then a shadow fell on me. I rolled to the left suddenly, jumping back on my feet and turning to face the caster of said shadow. Staring back at me was a 5'10" beefy meathead of a human. Behind him were two others, looking like the Crabbe and Goyle of Equestria. Both of them were built like Gorillas, including the short stature. 

As I looked at the 'alpha' of the little pack, I could see that he had the light of challenge in his eyes, and the meaty little beads were staring directly at me. None of the ponies had noticed yet, engrossed as they were with watching Max and Rainbow. 

Oh joy. I'm going to be an 'example.' I thought, thinking back on some article about how new alphas in a wolfpack would find a rival wolf from another pack to take down and assert their own dominance. As far as I could guess, humans here were very similar to that. 

My theory was proven correct as the wannabe alpha stepped towards me, trying to intimidate me. I knew that retreating would be a mistake, so I stood my ground, widening my stance in a nearly imperceptible manner. I heard a few gasps behind me, telling me that the ponies had finally noticed. I tuned them out, instead seeking out the little beads that were my opponents eyes. Barely a flicker of movement rippled through him, and I reacted, my left arm going up and blocking what would have been a raking slash across my face. Instead the claw-like fingernails of his impacted my arm with a heavy weight, digging in deeply. I grunted in pain, but acknowledged it no further. 

Before my assailant had a chance to understand what happened I took a half step forward, crouching a little and shoving all of the force I could muster into my right shoulder. I impacted just below his neck with all of the combined power of my leg and back muscles, sending him nearly to the ground. He growled in frustration and rushed me, and I grabbed him by the neck and let his own forward momentum drag his legs past me until he was level enough to slam into the ground. 

I then stood up and turned towards the ponies, confident that even an animal would see they were outmatched and retreat. Every one of them stood there with their jaws wide open, looking at me. I smiled internally and started walking towards them. As I took a step, however, I saw several hooves go up and point behind me, a "Look out!" echoing from a few throats. I didn't have time to turn before a huge weight slammed into me and knocked me to my hands and knees, followed by a tabbing, ripping, burning pain in my left shoulder. 

I screamed in rage and pain, my right arm going across my body to slam into the nose of my opponent, forcing him to release my shoulder from his bite. Before he had a chance to recover, I stood up quickly, pulling him from his feet, before I whirled around and grabbed him by his throat once more. This time I forced him to the ground myself, and put my knee across his neck. I pushed my face right into his, keeping pressure onto his windpipe. In his eyes I could see the carnal fear of an animal that knew it was going to die. I only increased the pressure, waiting until the eyes almost rolled up, before I moved my knee. I heard him start to take a breath, and I stopped it with my hand forming an iron grip on his neck. I pushed my face into his, making sure he made eye contact as his weak struggles against his fate fell. I saw the panic rising ever further as he found his limbs difficult to move. I kept the same pitiless stare up, until I was sure that he accepted that I was better than him. At which point I released him for good. 

Just like with a dog, make sure they know you're the alpha. I thought to myself with a grim sense of humor as I walked back towards the ponies, wincing as the pain of my wounds made themselves known again. I put my hand on my shoulder, wincing as it touched the jagged hole in my skin tainting the hand a deep red. 

Ow. I thought as I fell to my knees. Instantly the ponies surrounded me. I dimly noted that Rainbow Dash and Rarity were both absent as Fluttershy treated my wounds with a small first aid kit she had brought with her. She put a salve onto the scratches on my arm, and then surrounded them with gauze. I assumed she did the same for my shoulder, as the pain from both wounds started to fade. The small tunnel that had formed around my vision without me realizing it slowly left, and I could finally hear the ponies around me. 

"There, there. It's alright. It's all better." Fluttershy cooed as she put on the last of the gauze and went over to the other human that was still lying there. 

Twilight and Dr. Song were both standing staring at me, equal amounts of fear an concern evident in their expressions. Max was also looking at me, though more concern was in his eyes. He knew that I could fight. 

"Landsakes, Melody, I've never seen a human do that before! And you let him outside with foals around?" Applejack asked. Pinkie just gave me a funny look, seemingly lost in thought. 

"I... I've never seen him do that before." Dr. Song said, shocked. "I've seen him play fight with Max, but they've never seriously hurt themselves before, and they always seem so friendly."

"I just hope Rainbow gets back with the guard soon." Applejack said, shading her eyes towards Ponyville. "And speak o' the devil, here she is!" 

Wait, the guard? Shit. This is going to be a problem. I thought to myself as a half dozen armored pegasi landed near us, spearheaded by Rainbow Dash. 

"What's all this then?" The closest guard said in a brusque voice, scrutinizing the scene. "Something about some fighting humans?" 

"Yeah." Applejack said. "That human over there." She pointed to the human who Fluttershy was currently overseeing with a large neckbrace, "came outta nowhere with two others and attacked Richard here. Richard here gave the other guy a run for his money, and his two friends just disappeared."

"Alright, we'll take it from here. I assume you own this human?" The guard walked over to me and put manacles on my wrists and ankles. I scowled at him. 

"No, Richard's mine." Dr. Song spoke up.

"Well, we are going to need to take it and the other into custody. If it checks out alright you can take it home tomorrow, otherwise it might have to be put down."

Well, shit. I thought as I heard the words. I hate being right.

"But-" Dr. Song tried to interject.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the law is clear. If it's found too aggressive, it'll be put down. We can't have humans running around and biting ponies, so move along. Nothing to see here." 

Dr. Song slumped in defeat. "Bye Richard, I'll pick you up in the morning." She said as she turned away. The other ponies dispersed as well. 

"Kowalski, Rico, go get the human cart. I don't want to have to walk these beauties back." The lead guard said, licking his lips. "It'd give me too many opportunities to lose them to an 'accident'." 

Lovely, I get the one human-hating pony in the guard. I thought to myself as the two indicated Pegasi flew off. This is gonna be a fun night.
> Chapter 8: Trials and Tribulations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every now and again life likes to remind you that it is a cruel, heartless bitch. It'll just randomly turn around and say 'You were having a good time? Better fix that' and then suckerpunch you where the sun don't shine. Take right now, for example. I'm sitting in a slightly damp, ice cold, metal cage that's just barely large enough for me. In turn, the cage is surrounded by more cages, aligned in a series of rows in a large, darkened room. In the cage across from me was the friend I had made at the beach, not-so-subtly shying away from me.

Sighing, I turned to try and find a more comfortable position, comfortable being a relative term, what with the tiny space and my throbbing shoulder. The salve Fluttershy had put on it had stopped working a while ago. I was unsure of how long I had been in the room, the sounds of humans rattling cages or snorting having formed a background orchestra of clashing steel and gnashing teeth. Finally, I heard the door to the room open, the lights flickering on shortly after that.

"We just got two new ones today, and I think you might be interested in them." I heard the voice of my favorite guard say.

"Really now? You think they are aggressive enough?" Came an deep, unfamiliar voice, his somber tones filled with thinly veiled cynicism. 

"Well, we took them in under charges of fighting. I think that counts," replied the guard, the hoofsteps stopping as he did.

"Good." The unfamiliar stallion practically purred. "And you will be able to hold them for three weeks?"

"It takes about that long to fully set up a euthanization trial, and I can make sure that both of them are brought up guilty." The guard said.

"And this will be enough?" I heard a thump sprinkled with clinks, giving me the impression of a large bag of coins.

"Is that how much I think it is?" I heard the guard say in an awed voice.

"Half. This is half of the agreed payment so you don't lose interest. The rest will be delivered to you when you have held up your end, which will include no less than twenty humans." As I listened to their conversation, it dawned on me what was happening. This unknown stallion was bribing the guard into giving him humans that would normally have been put down. But why? What's the point? I thought to myself. 

"Of course, The humans will be yours. I just need to acquire a couple more." The guard said.

"How many more." The unknown stallion replied, steel in his voice.

"Only three, alright? I should be able to arrange some incidents." 

"Very well then. Now let's see these new humans."

"This way." 

I heard the hoofsteps resume, and I peered through the bars towards the bend in the corridor. Sure enough, the guard walked into view, one of the few lights shining off of his white coat. Then a red hoof came into view, shortly followed by a large unicorn stallion with a black mane. On his ass was a picture of three swirling fireballs, and his eyes were a piercing icy blue. Both ponies continued to walk, stopping in front of my cage.

"Hmm..." The blood-red unicorn said thoughtfully. "This one will do nicely. He might even survive for long enough to win approval. He almost reminds me of... No. Nevermind."

"This one nearly killed the one in this cage here." The guard said, pointing to the guy across from me with a wing. The unicorn turned around slowly, eyeing the other human. 

"Yes. I can see why. This one is weak, barely worth the bits I'm paying. It will be some nice fodder, though. The crowd always loves when one is ripped apart. And you will be able to ensure that you get all of the humans I'm requesting?"

"Yes. I told you already, I can set up some false charges for a few more humans, and guarantee they are convicted. Who do you think tests their aggressiveness?" 

"Good. I will meet you when you have gathered the last of the humans. Just don't get caught. It would severely displease me if I had to recapture all these humans myself,  and I, for one, can think of only few ways to ease my displeasure. I doubt you would appreciate any of them." 

"I won't. I'm good at this. I've been smart. Ever since these beasts..." The guard trailed off for a moment. "Nevermind."

"Don't get too personally involved here. I need you to keep a level head." The unicorn said, getting a nod in reply. "Now, perhaps we can move to your office. I have a specific human that I'd like you to acquire, and it will certainly get you a bonus."

"Of course. This way." And with that, both stallions left, their hoofsteps once more echoing throughout the room, adding a percussive cadence to my thoughts.

What the fuck is going on here? They're obviously involved with something illegal, and I doubt it's anything as sweet as a PETA-style release of humans. I stopped for a moment then shook my head, Weird analogy, but I need a way out of this. I do NOT want to find out what they were planning. Almost as if the world understood my thoughts, the lights turned off, lending me a shroud of darkness with which to escape.

I spent the next few hours attempting to open the cage. Everything from using bits of food-like items to pick the lock to breaking the door off the cage. Sadly, the engineer that had made the cages must have taken pride in his work, and made them nigh-inescapable. I slumped (as much as I could in the confined space) and resigned myself to wait. Surely Dr. Song and Twilight would help me.





"Ma'am, please calm down. While we understand your concern, we can't let you in to visit your human." the mare behind the desk said to the distraught unicorn in front of her.

"But please! I have to see him! Don't you understand! He's special!"

"I'm sorry Ma'am, but the rules are clear. If you do not leave this facility I will have an officer escort you out."

"Just for a few moments! I swear! He's not aggressive, really! Just let me see him!"

"Officer Hoof, please escort this mare out of the building." The mare behind the counter gestured to a nearby stallion in armor, who walked over and gestured to the unicorn.

"This way ma'am." He said in a kindly voice.

"NO! I'm going in to see him and you can't stop me!" The unicorn attempted to push past the officer and go throug ha set of double doors with the words 'Human Wing' over them, but was stopped by Officer Hoof.

"Ma'am, if you don't cooperate, I will be forced to detain you."

"NO!  NOOO!!!!!" When the unicorn refused to give in, Officer Hoof began to drag her out of the reception room and down a hallway towards the jail itself. His path happened to bring him past Twilight and Dr. Song, who both gave curious glances to the screaming mare.

"That's odd." Twilight said, before dismissing the mare with a shake of her head. "Anyway, what were you saying Dr. Song?"

"I was just asking how we were going to see Richard. It's kind of against the rules here."

Twilight shot her a bemused smile and ruffled her wings. "In case you forgot, I happen to be a Princess, and as much as it bugs me, my status does have its perks."

The pair opened the doors to the human wing's reception and walked up to the desk. 

"May I help you?" The mare said without looking up from the magazine she was reading.

"Yes. My human was recently taken in to custody and I'd like to visit him." Dr. Song said. 

"Too bad. No human visits." The mare said.

"Surely you can make an exception." Twilight said.

The mare muttered something under her breath before turning to look at them. "Look, as I told the last mare, no...." The words died in her throat as she saw Twilight, before respectfully bowing her head. "Ahem. Excuse me, Princess. This is highly unorthodox. The rules specifically state-"

"I know the rules, guardspony." Twilight said in an unusual tone, " and, as such, I demand that you allow myself and my companion here to enter without delay. Uh... That is, you know... If you can just do so... please..." Her voice got quieter as she continued, ending with a barely audible 'meep.

The mare looked like she was going to argue, before she sighed. "Of course, your majesty, go on through."

With her head held high, Twilight walked through, followed by a surprised Dr. Song. The moment the doors closed behind them, Dr. Song jumped in excitement and turned to Twilight.

"Wow, Prince- er, Twilight, thank you for-" but she stopped her praise as she saw Twilight with her head down.

"I'm a bad pony, aren't I?" Twilgiht asked, her ears splayed.

"No? What makes you say that?"

"Well, I used my position to break the rules, and I know Princess Celestia told me I should practice being more Princess-like, but I felt like I was being mean, and now that guardspony probably hates me and I'm going to become cold and ruthless and everypony will hate me, and-"

Twilight's mini-tirade was stopped by Dr. Song. "Hey now, that's not right. Just because you are using your Princess Rights does not mean you are a bad pony. I'm fairly certain that that guardspony respects you now anyway. Not fears you. Besides, we can see Richard now, right?"

There was a moment of silence, followed by Twilight taking a deep breath. "You're right. I just... I don't like flaunting my position."

"I only saw you using your position the way it should be, not flaunting it. Come on, let's find Richard's cage."

It took them only a few moments to reach Richard, since he had heard them and started attracting their attention with whistles and the rhythmic tapping of hoof-language.

"Hey there Richard." Dr. Song said with a smile. "How's it going?"

+Oh, you know. Sitting in a tiny-ass cage with an aching shoulder, freezing my balls off, and wishing I had more food. The usual+ He replied, sarcasm oozing out of his every pore.

"Don't worry, we'll get you out of here soon enough." Dr. Song reassured him. 

+Soon enough better mean before night hits.+

"Ah ha ha... that's the thing..." Twilight said nervously.

+What's wrong+ Richard deadpanned back.

"You know how you assaulted Prince Blueblood?" Twilight said.

+Yes...+ Richard replied.

"Weeeellll, apparently the only reason you weren't 'put down' was because Princess Celestia changed the punishment to you needing to be trained by Dr. Song..." Twilight said, twirling her hoof.

+I know all this, get to the point+

"You see, one of the stipulations of you remaining in her custody was that you were to not get in any more legal trouble, on pain of.... well... of death." Dr. Song gasped while Richard just stopped.

+What+

"Yeah... Umm, so unless you have some way of clearing your name without resorting to escaping, then we will have to reveal your existence as intelligent to Princess Celestia... and by extension, reveal Max's status."

"Can't you pardon him?" Dr. Song

"Umm... no... not really, since Princess Celestia was the one that ruled you would be put down for further discrepancies..."

+Not that I wouldn't mind the truth being revealed, I do have a solution for you. One of the guards was talking with a pony, a pony who handed him what I believe to be a hefty bag of bits.+

"Are you talking about bribes?" Twilight asked, incredulously. All her life the Guard had been the epitome of social and moral justice. 

+From what I heard, this has been going on for quite a while. The guardspony said something about rigging the trials so that the humans were found guilty. I don't know his name, but he's the one who took me and my friend there into custody.+

"I think that was Sargent Palisade. He was one of the first responders when Sweetie Belle got attacked."

+Just figure it out, alright? I don't want to be in here much longer. Oh, and if you can, get somepony other than him to test my 'aggresiveness'+

"Alright. We'll have you out within a few hours if all goes well." Twilight said as she started walking away.

"Richard?" Dr. Song asked.

+Yes?+

"Here. This should help a bit." Her horn glowed briefly as did Richard's shoulder, and he visibly relaxed.

+Thank you.+ He signed, a touch of a smile gracing his face.

"It's only a pain reliever, but it should last for at least four hours."

+Should I consult a doctor if it lasts longer than four hours?+

Dr. Song gave him a weird look. "No? Honestly, if it does that's a good thing."

+Nevermind. Just get me out of here, okay?+

"Alright."





Max was lounging about the library after having the girls leave to go check on Richard. He was reading a book about how ponies and humans had evolved. Apparently, humans used to be predators back in the Pony Neanderthal age, and had developed eyesight to lock onto their prey without losing it. The book compared this to ponies, who had developed exceptionally large eyes to give them maximum peripheral vision to protect from predators like the humans.

Max closed his right eye and stared at the page, before closing his left eye and using his right. He snorted. I wonder what it'd have been like back then, especially if they lost an eye or something. He thought, opening both eyes and continuing his reading. For him it was actually interesting to see how the history books, science books, and magic books all linked together. For instance, he had read somewhere how magic had guided evolution for a while, during a period where the 'gods' of the age decided to rest and admire their work. How a book claiming to represent science could spew BS like that, Max couldn't guess, but then again he was living with a purple talking unicorn that studied magic, so he didn't have much room to complain.

Before Max could deliberate further into the detailed delicacies of the diverting book, the door opened and Twilight entered, followed by Dr. Song. They were greeted with a sight of Max lying on the ground, looking innocent while a small pile of books lay strewn across the floor.

"Max! What did I tell you about leaving books everywhere? Ugh! This might make me have to reorganize everything!" Twilight said, irritation evident in her voice.

+Twilight, need I remind you of the state this place gets in when you need to 'study?'+ Max tapped out, a devious grin on his face. 

"S-shut up." Twilight replied, an embarrassed blush spreading across her face.

+Anyway,+ Max tapped out while juggling the books back into their respective places. +How's Richard? He's obviously still stuck in jail.+

"It's not actually jail, its actually Ponyville's pound." Twilight said, adjusting the spines of a few books, "but we've got slightly bigger problems. Apparently a member of the guard was bribed to rig quite a few of the recent euthanization trials, including Richards."

+What?+ Max said, dropping the book he was holding, Antigravitiy Spells and their Applications. +You're telling me you've got a bad cop, literally?+

"Yes." Twilight said, her face grim as she replaced the book Max dropped to its slot. "I need to get some more evidence before I can get Richard out, but hopefully we will be able to back the guard into a corner and force his hoof into the open."

+How?+ Max asked.

"Well, step one will be for me to observe Richard's aggressiveness test. I will be able to provide first hoof evidence of either fraud or tampering with the report itself."

"And step two?" Dr. Song asked. 

"I don't think either of you are going to like this..."





"Beginning test one of four. Food withdrawal." The corrupt asshole said, a frown evident on his face. We were in a small, cuboid room that had 'cliche interrogation room' written all over it. There was a metal table bolted to the floor, a mirror, no doubt two way , and one large door. I was currently chained to the floor, across the table from Sargent Palisade. Nearby, Twilight stood with a notebook and will in her magical grasp. Apparently she had been unable to change my aggression analyzer, but she was able to give an observer's POV on it. Sadly it would have to do.

The Sargent picked up a large shiny apple with a wing and, with seemingly practiced indifference, proceeded to shove it in my mouth as if he were trying to choke me. The way he did it, however, looked as if he was doing nothing wrong. I decided to just play it off for now and took a bite out of the apple, only for him to snatch it away before I had a chance.

"Subject seems.... adequately passive." He said with a barely detectable frown. "Beginning test two of four. Pony interaction with human." This time he walked right up to me, nudging me with his shoulder and- OWWWW! THAT WAS MY TOE YOU ASSHOLE! I cried out and tried to grab my foot, the throbbing pain in my pinkie driving me mad. I looked at him with rage-filled eyes as he jumped back. Oh if I get the chance I will end your miserable existence, you pathetic excuse for a chicken. I thought to myself, the, ineffectual, threat making me feel better somewhat. 

"Subject seems to show aggressive tendencies towards ponies." He said, now smiling. I shot a look towards Twilight who gave a slight nod in my direction. I hope it means she caught his underhanded trick.

"Beginning test three of four. Reaction to magic." This time he nodded towards the mirror, which signaled a what I assumed was a unicorn to start moving some of the various equipment on the table- tweezers, Q-tips, the apple, etc. -around in the air. I looked on in boredom. 

"Subject shows no interest in magic. Very well, beginning final test, four of four. Human interaction with Human." He nodded to the mirror again, prompting the door to open. Twilight and he both left, and in entered the guy from the beach, also in chains which were sealed to the floor once he had entered. For a moment, nothing happened, then he caught sight of me. Doing so prompted him to cower, as if expecting an attack.

Good, he remembered his lesson. I thought to myself, only to get interrupted by a shock to my left foot, like a taser. I yelped, picking up my foot, while the human screamed and huddled as far away from me as my chains would allow. For now, nothing happened, then I felt another shock. The only thing that could be causing it was the shackle, but that was on my ankle. What is going on? I thought to myself, sitting down to examine my foot. I was just in time to see a small spark appear on my heel, coming from a easy-to-miss... thing, that was attached to the shackle via a small wire. 

Thankfully, I only had to withstand a few more shocks before the ponies returned and, after removing my 'friend,' took me back to my cage. This time a small contingent of unicorns made sure to keep me restrained in their magical field. As they stuffed me inside, Twilight flashed me a small smile, just enough to signal she had a plan. I only hoped it would work.





I hope it will work. Twilight thought to herself as Richard was put back into his cage. She smiled at him before turning to walk out of the building. As she did, she lit her horn and activated a small gem hidden in her mane. The gem had a very simple Entanglement Enchantment on it, enough so that if it was enveloped in a magical aura, it's twin would also show the aura around it. It was an old Royal Guard trick for long range communication. The problem was that the enchantment itself had to be recast after every third use, and it proved to expensive to produce for commercial use. It was lucky that Twilight had found the book at the royal library. It had been buried beneath a huge pile of other books. It was so irresponsible of that librarian to just leave books piled around like that. Thankfully Twilight had happened by and managed to reorganize it all. After, that is, reading each book to determine its contents of course. 

Anyway, Twilight felt that her plan would work perfectly, and when she saw a squad of guards get dispatched heading towards her library, she allowed herself a small smile. And now, the waiting game.





+So mind telling me why getting us both in jail is a good idea?+ I asked Max, who was in the cage adjacent to mine.

+Just give Twilight some time. She'll pull through.+ Max said, before lightly tapping out what sounded like +I hope+

+You'd better be right+ I signed back. It had been a nerve racking day. First, Twilgiht had said she had a plan, then she tells me she can't change my tester, then she tells me I was labeled as 'to aggressive' for public interaction by the bastard, and finally Max gets dragged in and thrown into the cage next to me. At least it had given me something to do other than twiddle my thumbs or brood. 

I hated to brood. 

+Look, all we have to do is wait for the guard and the guy who bribed him to show. I'm certain he'll be here shortly.+ Max said. As if on cue, the doors burst open and hoofbeats were heard, marching towards our cages. 

"What do you mean he couldn't make it?" Sargent Palisade said, anger in his voice. "I was able to get him the human he wanted, and you tell me he couldn't even show up? What about my payment?"

"Look." came an unfamiliar, masculine voice that remained cool in the face of Palisade's fire, "I came here to determine if what you said was true. If it is, then I will give you the price that was agreed upon. However, we have received word that certain... suspicions have been laid upon you. Therefore my employer has decided that it would be best if he did not meet you personally anymore. Especially unscheduled."

"Very well." Palisade said, drawing up in front of Max's cage. "Here is the human."

"Hmm... He does fit the description I was given." The unfamiliar voice replied, its source still veiled from my view. "Very well. Here is your payment." 

A sack landed in front of Palisade, who eagerly grabbed at it.

"And here is your reward!" Twilight said, swooping down from the ceiling, followed by nearly a dozen solar guards from Princess Celestia's personal reserve. In short order Palisade and the mysterious stallion- a grey-coated, steely maned character with a scar running down his muzzle and across his mouth -were arrested and removed from the scene. After the prisoners and their captors left, Twilight slumped to the ground. 

"Phew. We got 'em guys." Twilight said to me and Max, turning a half-smile towards us. "Why do the bad guys always meet just before midnight?" 

+I do believe it has something to do with 90% of the population being asleep or near thereof, and the cover of darkness helps to.+ I replied, ever the helpful human.

+Or perhaps its that most everyone has some level of fear of the dark.+ Max added.

"Yeah, I know. Doesn't make it any easier to miss sleep." Twilight replied.

+Are you finally realizing that, Mrs. 'Stays up all night to read'?+ Max asked.

"Oh be quiet." Twilight said, getting up and starting to leave. I cleared my throat, or, rather, made a noise with my throat, I couldn't quite clear it with the whole 'can;t speak' thing.

+Aren't you forgetting something?+ I asked.

"Oh, right." Her horn lit up, and the cages opened. "You are both free to go. Apparently Sargent Palisade had 'fudged' your aggression test. Something about inciting the human to attack or something. It's all very strange, I wouldn't believe him capable of that."

I looked at Max as he looked at me. In unison, we nodded and turned towards Twilight.

+We'll make a smartass out of you yet.+ Max said.

"But I'm not a donkey." Twilight replied in an innocently confused voice. In fact, it was almost too confused. 

Either way, we said our goodbyes and went to our respective houses. As I stumbled into my room, I couldn't help but feel old. Even if it had only been two nights, my back was cramped up from that cage. As I lay there, however, I could only think about what had transpired in the pound. "I have a specific human that I'd like you to acquire." "He does fit the description I was given." "specific human... ...aquire."  "He does fit the description."  "human" "description."   What could this all mean?

 


> Chapter 9: Unscheduled Interruptions
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next few weeks after the ‘incident’ were relatively normal, following pretty much the same routine as before.  I was still going to Twilight’s in the morning, sparring with Max in the afternoon, and then doing fuck-all in the evening. Melody did give me some simple chores to do, which I was happy to help with, as otherwise I would’ve felt like I was trying to bum a free ride. 

There were several interesting interruptions to the schedule, including a random ‘protest’ by the weather team in Cloudsdale leaving all of Equestria in a massive heat wave. The mechanics behind it confused me, but I just accepted it after the fifth day straight of over a hundred degrees (somewhere around thirty-seven Celsius for you weirdos out there). After an interesting fireworks show in the distance, it dropped back down to a balmy seventy two for the rest of that week. 

Not too long after that Twilight and Max left to go visit Twilight’s family for some reason or another. Something about meeting the folks. Both Max and Twilight expressed displeasure at my immediate and hilarious response. Needless to say, both Max and I had several more bruises than usual that day. He was getting quite good at speeding around my defenses. Still lacked a good strength to the blows, but that would come with time. 

After they returned came the final interruption to the schedule, though it was far more unorthodox than any of us were used to. Some pegasus by the name of Sunny Breeze had arrived the previous night and somehow found out about Max being human… er… intelligent. When I arrived in the morning, I found the three chatting around a table, bags under their eyes and coffee in their respective appendages.  
When I was told of the whole story, I was caught somewhere between laughing, sighing, facepalming, and attacking Miss Breeze. In the end, I just shook my head and tried to continue with my morning routine, though the caffeine-fueled company did not make it a productive morning. Twilight finally decided to call it a day, and went to bed, giving Miss Breeze the couch while Max took his human bed pad thingy. I returned to Melody’s house, deciding to work on my armor. 

I had taken it out before the heat wave and was slowly and methodically working on it, de rusting and oiling what I could and using what sparse tools Melody had to fix the few bits I could. Unfortunately, I was unable to do anything about the tears in the hauberk, but piece by piece it was returning to the mostly shiny glory it once had. 

I even managed to acquire paint to change my shield back, as it had been a Mr. Yuck face only for the duration of the event, the result of losing a drunken bet. Originally, it had been a circular serpent, biting its own tail, surrounded by a field of white. My coat of arms. I remember earning my AoA several years ago. It was one of the first times I had been called up in court at Pennsic. I was still a fresh-faced baby seal on the field, though not the worst out there. Apparently I had impressed some knight or something with my honor after giving an opponent the option of single combat at the end of a bridge battle. The guy killed me easily, but he was only able to defeat three people before dying. 
I shook my head. Getting lost down memory lane is sometimes fun, but I need to focus. Looking down at the pauldron I had been polishing, I saw my distorted reflection staring back at me. I sighed, picking up the next piece and continuing the monotonous, but surprisingly relaxing, work. I missed home. That much was for certain. Recently I had been reminiscing, thinking back to happier times. It kept making me feel depressed, pining for something I couldn’t have. 

After another hour or so of polishing and oiling, I finally stopped, giving my cramping hands time to rest. I was bored. I was angsty. I was hungry. Sighing once again, I walked upstairs to the kitchen, making myself a simple snack. Melody was off somewhere, something to do with some of her friends wanting her over for a knitting circle or something similar.
I went to bed two hours later, deciding I would deal with the world later.





The next week passed in much the same as the last, though the addition of Sunny Breeze did change the schedule a bit, especially because she didn’t like us sparring. Though, to be fair, the face she made when I started a match with Max was priceless. Thankfully, she only tried to talk us down rather than attack me. Max was right, Twilight was much worse than Miss Breeze. 

She and Max had hit it off almost immediately, something to do with helping him during his ‘dark time’ or something. Not that it affected me, but it did leave me with nothing to do, especially since Twilight had stopped teaching us in favor of researching some spell. When I had asked Max, he said something about trans-dimensional magic, which I assumed meant she was trying to find us a way home. Something I was wholeheartedly behind. 

It still did nothing to ease my boredom. I considered polishing my armor some more, but I could see my reflection on the inside of the knee. The segmented, nearly-impossible-to-clean knee. It was a pointless gesture now. 

I sighed again. Melody was back at her job, and wouldn’t be home till four o’clock. If she didn’t have to help with a medical emergency. Another sigh, before I launched up from the couch and laced on my boots. Might as well explore Ponyville some more, I thought,  I’ve still only seen the tip of it.

I walked out the door, blinking as the sunlight struck my eyes. It was a wonderful summer morning, slightly cloudy, and a breeze that would make anyone wax poetic. That is to say, it was a lovely morning. Setting a brisk pace, I let my feet wander, stepping beside and around ponies and humans alike. 

At one point, Max walked past me, a large, fluffy, blue tumor growing out of the side of his head. I waved to the duo, who both smiled at waved back at me before continuing on their merry way. Finally, I walked into the park and sat down on one of the numerous benches, simply pony watching for a while. It was an activity I hadn’t really tried before, and in a town as literally colorful as this, it was bound to be at least a little entertaining. 

I watched Cheerilee leading a large gaggle of colts and fillies around the park, most of which were roughhousing with eachother in the fun and playful way only children can.  Or large, smelly people wearing tons of armor I thought, smiling. Granted the fighters were practically children anyway.

After sitting there for fifteen minutes or so, I suddenly felt uneasy, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Just something didn’t quite feel right. I looked around, not noticing anything unusual, until I noticed it was quiet. Not the ‘I’m alone and peaceful’ quiet, but the ‘why the hell can’t I hear anything’ quiet. The children were less than fifty feet from me yet it was dead silent. 	

Looking around once again, I saw a flicker of movement behind me followed by a burst of pain and light. I fell out of the bench, instinctively rolling on to my shoulder to lessen the damage even as pain pulsed through my skull. I felt something miss my head by a hairsbreadth and rolled away, blinking away tears and squinting through my blurred vision. A dark shape loomed over me, and I felt something smack into my forehead and then nothing.





I woke with a splitting headache, my face resting on cold bars. I was hanging in a large cage, surrounded by other, similar cages each with their own human. The cages hung in a mostly dimly-lit room, though one massive pool of light sat in the center, illuminating a large group of ponies sitting and standing around a sizable, circular pit in the ground. The pit was surrounded by bloodstained sandbags. 

The ponies were making a loud ruckus, shouting about bets and passing large sacks between them. I scrounged my sluggish brain, bringing together the two wits that I had at my disposal, trying to determine the point, and a way out if necessary. Before I had a chance to gather any answers, a large red unicorn leapt atop a clear crate and shouted to the world in a sickeningly familiar deep voice.

“Mares and stallions! I am happy to announce that it is just about time to start!” He gestured wildly, for all the world a ringleader of the best circus in town. The ponies cheered for him. “Come on over and get comfortable! We got us several fights about ready to start that will be a good bit of fun!” More cheers and merriment burst from the crowd at his words, while he leapt down to talk to several other ponies. 
Nodding towards the cages, he and two unfamiliar mares walked forward, one of them walking away from me and saying something I couldn’t hear, while the other approached a nearby cage. 

“Hey Pearl, look who I found wandering around Ponyville!” she shouted to the other while shaking the cage. Inside I saw Max, a terrified look upon his face. I tried to grab his attention, but he didn’t look up.

“It appears that the princess didn’t really care for him,” Came Pearl’s reply, toting the cage she had selected, a snarling human inside.
“Hold up Rose,” came the red unicorn’s terse reply, before his horn lit up and broke Max’s collar, tossing it away. “That’s better, he doesn’t need this where he’s going.” 

I watched as Max’s cage was carried over to the pit, the other cage behind him. They were lowered down, out of my sight, accompanied by the crowd screaming and hollering. 

“Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for,” The unicorn said over the crowd, his horn lighting up once more. “Let’s get this thing rolling!”
I watched as the two cages were removed, empty. Cursing to myself, I tried to get a better view. 
“Mares and stallions! Without further ado, let’s get this match started!” The unicorn shouted again, the crowd going nuts. Finally, the pieces sunk into place. 

It’s a cockfighting ring! Fuck! I thought, desperately trying to see how Max was doing. I heard several grunts and cries of pain echoing out, but I couldn’t tell whose cries were whose. 

Suddenly, a crack cut the air, the crowd pausing before going even wilder. That was a bone. I thought, but no cry followed. Damnit, why couldn’t I just see!

A scream tore through the air, one that was definitely Max’s. Fuck! C’mon Max!

“There you have it, mares and stallions! A rather spectacular display, wouldn’t you say?” The unicorn said, levitating a body out. 

That can’t be! I thought, before sighing in relief. It was the other human, his neck and torso coated in blood. Thank the gods.

My premature gratitude was dashed at the unicorn’s next words. 

“And it’s not over yet Let’s bring out the next competitor!”

Shit.





I watched as several humans went into the pit, and stayed, lasting longer and longer, but Max’s body never once left. Each time, a knot of tension grew in me, as I mentally braced for Max’s lifeless corpse to levitate out in that sickly aura. I desperately searched for some way to save him, and as I watched the next human enter the pit, an idea formed. 

The moment Max’s latest opponent, some female, was levitated out, ugly purple marks across her throat, I began losing my shit, banging the bars, screaming, hollering, the works. Almost immediately, I felt the cage move, carried forward. 

“We got a lively one!” one of the mares shouted, Pearl I believe. 

“Oho! This looks like it will be good. Look at that specimen!” The red unicorn shouted to the crowd. “He just wants to be in the thick of it!”
I glanced into the pit as I was lowered, gasping in shock as I saw Max, bleeding from multiple lacerations, one eye swollen up and ugly yellowish purple marks adorning what little flesh was not blood red. 

Oh fuck. He needs a hospital. I was dropped into the pit, barely managing to catch myself on the floor. Pushing myself up, I barely had time to throw myself to the side as Max charged me, his right hand held close, but some form of knife held in his left. 

The blade scratched down my side as I went past, leaving an ugly red line down my face and right shoulder. I rolled when I struck the ground, flinging myself to my feet just as Max stomped where my face was a moment ago.

Setting my stance, I waited, as Max rushed towards me again, knife out front and a bestial vengeance in his eyes. Godsdamnit, I need to snap him out of it! I thought as I caught his left wrist and shoulder checked him, sending him sprawling. He still had the knife, so I rushed him, pressing my momentary advantage. 

He rolled away though and then leapt at me from the ground, barely missing me. I grabbed his arm again, this time reaching out with my other hand and twisting enough to force him to drop the knife. A quick knee to his back gave me a moment of respite as the air left his lungs. 
I grabbed the knife and threw it out of the pit, until it bounced of a previously-invisible shield and fell to the sandbags. I was amazed for a moment, until I felt something slam into my midsection and take me down. I rolled at the last moment, forcing Max to take the brunt of the force and leaving him gasping for breath. 

I straddled him, his arms pinned by my knees and looked him in the eye. I still saw the adrenaline and fear that drove him, a bestial energy locked behind his eyes. Looking down, I slapped him, hard enough to sting. 

The move was so unexpected, so unusual, that Max stopped for a moment, confused. Smiling, I flipped him the bird, though I kept him pinned, just in case. Realization dawned on him, before horror over wrote his features. I waited a moment more as he started tearing up, before standing up and helping him to his feet. 

He sagged into me as he stood, adrenaline leaving him jittery and weak. 

+You alright?+ I signed to him. +You don’t look to good.+

“What an upset!” interrupted the stallion above, “These humans don’t want to fight!”

+We should be worried about that+ Max signed, wincing as he jostled his right wrist.

“Well, let’s see if teamwork will fall apart in this next match!”

A two cages were lowered in, each toting a crazy-looking human, one with a large knife and the other a club. 

+Shit.+ I signed, placing myself in front of Max. He was in no condition to fight. 

The two humans dropped much more eloquently than my own, landing firmly on their feet and flexing as they stood. Ignoring eachother, they rushed forward, weapons held high. 

I ducked under the knife, shoulder checking that one, and stepped around to grab the guy with the club. He anticipated the move though, and I felt pain spread across my body from my left shoulder. I fell to the ground, the force of the blow driving me to my knees. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mr. Knife stand up shakily, while Club man was already striking again. 

Rolling forward, I slammed my palm into his knee, watching as it bent nearly backwards and he screamed in pain. I stood up in the same motion, catching his chin on my right shoulder and launching him back. His club sailed away from us, into another portion of the arena. Quickly, I turned, simultaneously bringing Mr. Knife to the forefront of my mind and saving my life, the knife slipping across my left arm rather than into my heart. 

I hissed in pain, forcing both arms back into the Italian knife defense style that I had learned not to long ago. The guy wasted no time, bringing his blade back across at me in a horizontal swinging motion. Backstepping, I avoided the blade and grabbed his arm, pulling him forward and slamming my left elbow into his face. I felt his jaw break under the force as he went spinning, knife falling from limp fingers. 

Before I had a chance to grip the knife, a blur tackled me, raining blows onto the back of my head. Stars exploded in my eyes as I fell, my face slamming into the hard ground. I felt my nose snap, blood instantly pooling down. 

Groaning in pain I flipped my body, wincing as something in my left shoulder ground against a bone that shouldn’t be there. Throwing myself away and forcing my pain into another section of my mind, I took a quick glance around the arena. I saw Max had grabbed the club and caved in the face of Mr. Knife, while Club man was staggering to his feet. 

Launching myself forward, I grabbed the knife, and finished with a quick uppercut motion, disemboweling my opponent. As his innards fell out, he dumbly looked down, confused. I just felt sick as the muted purples and bright red strings tumbled from his stomach.

I finished it with a quick slicing motion, cutting his neck horizontally and slicing both the jugular and the esophagus.

The pain then registered, my left shoulder screaming in agony, while lines of fire wrapped around my body. I grunted, pushing the pain, the nausea, the emotion, as far as I could, holding just enough in to keep myself in check. I saw Max breathing heavily, blood clotting in multiple spots across his battered body. 

As I continued to look around, I realized I could only hear my heart thumping in my ears, a maddening tempo of drums that played the music of battle. 





Two more paired fights. Two more victories. Each one involving weapons, a chain, mace, knives, baseball bat. It didn’t matter. Each new injury registered once and was pushed back. I acquired numerous cuts and scratches, my chest covered in a horrible cocktail of blood, brains, and other fluids. Each step brought a new lance of pain, as my right leg was broken just above the knee. 

I was held up by sheer willpower and need for life. Max wasn’t faring much better, blood pouring from even more injuries. I felt lightheaded from bloodloss, and Max swayed on his feet. We couldn’t last much longer. 

I dimly heard the crowd cheer more, as the unicorn running the damned thing said something about the “dynamic duo” and “the biggest challenge yet.” The words flew through my mind, registering once and fading away. I couldn’t focus. 

I wouldn’t last very long. 

It was then I heard a thump behind me, my ears barely registering the sound. My feet registered a small shockwave, and I turned to see a massive human standing tall. He stood at least a head taller than me, and made even my frame look small. 

Adrenaline once more pumped through my brain, pushing all irrelevant thoughts aside. I channeled it, and focused. He had a knife, right hand. Large. Size of a dirk. Leafbladed. Double edged. Bloodgroove. Made to kill.  Deathgrip on handle. Untrained. Good. 

Tall. Muscled. Heavy. Dim witted. Charging. Dodge. 

No full thought crossed my mind. It was action and reaction. Work how I was trained. Use their body against them. I saw Max take a hit from him and go flying, his small club landing outside the pit and out of reach. 

Dodge. Counter attack. I smiled grimly as the beast roared in pain, though the sound was a million miles away. He swipes. I felt severe pain as he smacked my right arm with his left, my knife spiraling away as a bone cracked. 

I dodged the strike with his blade, before taking a glancing blow to my head, four lines of pain reaching across the right side of my face.
I stumbled, just as a foot came up and smacked into my chest. I felt a deep crack as I went flying, smashing into the wall. Pain exploded behind my eyes as my head made contact. I slid down, unable to move. I felt too heavy. Sluggish. The world was slowing down. Dimly, I realized my lungs were slowly filling with blood, and I was going to die. 

I looked around, somewhat at peace. At least, if I would die, it would be fighting for my life, fighting for every inch they took. It was a warrior’s death. As good a way to die as any. 

I looked around again, my vision turning black around the edges, and I caught sight of Max. He was lying on the ground, desperately pushing a knife away from his face. Too bad… I couldn’t… save him… I thought. Almost as an answer to my final thought, I saw a massive purple beam strike the behemoth, and smiled, before my world flashed to black.

> Chapter 10: Recovery
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disjointed images flashed through my mind. A raised fist, shattered glass. Fire, burning deep and red. 

I saw countless bodies, piling up to a never ending sky, the burnt desert seared by the hot sun. I saw a man, broken and bloodied, screaming his rage for the world to hear. 

Smashed shields, bent swords, a field of bodies, growing and twisting into a gruesome mockery of a farm. Vision tinged red, I turned from the sight, bile flowing from my now open mouth.

I saw It then. The impossible thing. It was and was not. A formless being of uncountable possibilities. In but a flash It was gone, the image along with it, leaving only the echo of a memory. I cried, tears flowing into a river, a river tinged red with the blood of millions. 

Gazing at the gory sight, I saw glinting, gleaming weapons lining the river, forever defending the border. Men. Marching. They walked into the river, unflinching, faceless, even as the sharp metal stripped the flesh from their bones and the current dragged the corpses in front of them away and out of sight. 

I tried to stop them, crying out in anguish, but my pleas went unheard and deadened, my feet sinking into the ground. I saw It again, rushing off into the distance. I followed, rage fueling my broken and useless limbs, pushing them past their endurance. I was flying, chasing towards It, when suddenly It turned I saw It’s face, leering and grinning in impossible glory. 

I turned, desperately trying to escape, but it was no use, It’s jaws clamped around me, and I fell, deep into an unknown abyss. I lay there, watching as countless more bodies piled around me, suffocating me, until I could last no longer. 




I awoke in a panic, my eyes rolling around the dimly lit room. I heard a frantic beeping as if from afar, taking in minor details. White-green walls, artificial ceiling, bed. Too-small. A shape, nearly out of my vision, off to my right.

I tried to turn to face it, but found that I couldn’t. Panic rose inside of me as I realized I couldn’t even feel my own body. Some distant, semi-logical portion of my brain let slip that I should be in immense pain right now. So why couldn’t I feel anything. 

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel. All I could do is look around the room and breathe heavily, the only noticeable outside stimuli to my panic the frantic beeps of some infernal machine. I couldn’t even feel the air in my lungs, merely hear my breath, ragged and heavy.

Fuck! HELP! FUCKING FUCK! GODS, ANYONE HELP! I screamed into my mind. I tried to do something, anything. Even a turn of the head, but I couldn’t. My body was deadweight, and I was trapped inside. 

Time was immeasurable, the complete lack of tactile sensation driving me insane. At some point, shapes poured into the room, my panic-fueled mind too busy to try to determine what they were. I heard strange noises, sounds I should recognize, and finally one word. “Sedative.” 

Then blackness.





When I next awoke, I did so feeling a presence nearby. My eyes shot open once more, my hand jerking against something as instincts attempted to protect me. Pain blossomed in my right arm as I did so, and I groaned, eyes screwing shut with pain.

I was lying in a bed, dim memories remind me about something. Something important. Something about the regular beeps nearby? I opened my eyes again, looking around. I saw a whitish-green walled room, with ceiling tiles. Around me sat various pieces of equipment, and off to my right sat another bed, also surrounded by various pieces of equipment. Between the beds sat three shapes. Purple, green, and blue. 

Those colors… My mind thought, trying to piece itself together.  Why are they familiar?

“He’s awake! Richards awake!” I heard a familiar voice say, though I couldn’t pin down who exactly it belonged to. The green shape turned and engulfed me, holding tight to my chest.

The bastard held on tight, his bear hug causing my ribs to creak as his ‘friend’ attempted to brain me with the bat.

I grunted, trying to escape, as pain exploded from my chest. I couldn’t give in. Had to survive. I felt my pulse quicken, a set of beeps rising in rapidity. 

 Struggling out of the grasp in the nick of time, I turned, my blade digging deep into his skin as a crimson fountain bathed my hand.

I felt the pain lessen as whatever held me let go. 

“Sorry! Sorry. I just… the doctors said…” I was struggling, trying to piece together what had happened. That voice… Soothing… like listening to some haunting melody….

MELODY! My brain finally brought forth an answer, putting a name to the familiar face that hung over me. I smiled as best I could, trying to recall exactly what had happened recently.

“It’s good to see you awake. We’ve been worried sick about you.” Melody said, her hoof caressing my cheek. 

Looking around, I spotted Twilight and Sunny standing next to the other bed. On it sat a similar form, looking over at me with his head encased in bandages. I looked down at myself, finally noticing my own condition. I was in a similar state as Max, casts surrounding me, from my left leg up to my right arm. 

Thankfully, I had full articulation of my fingers, and the toes on my right foot. Still hurt to move, though I felt no grating bones. Small thanks.

I looked over towards the ponies, who were looking between Max and I. Grunting, I nodded at Max, before turning to Twilight. I tried to sign out a message, but with only the use of my left arm and right leg I couldn’t easily make the necessary noises. Plus moving my arm more than a few inches sent a stabbing pain though my shoulder. 

I huffed, trying to get my message across. 

“Uh, You alright Richard?” Twilight asked. Yup. Just sitting here covered in casts because I thought it would be fun. I snarked in my head. 

Physically, I rolled my eyes before looking pointedly at my hand, wriggling my fingers.

“Do you want something?” That was Sunny. Looking away from Max for a moment. I rolled my eyes again, nodding as best I could with the neckbrace on.

“Water?” There’s Melody again. I shook my head slightly, wincing as my neck ached. Though water would be nice… I thought. This time I made as if gripping something. 

“Coffee?” Melody beat the others in response this time. As much as I would, I doubt it would help me very much right now. I shook my head.

“Some sort of utensil?” Twilight asked after collaborating with the other ponies. I nodded, the ponies giving a confused look around.

“Fork?” Melody asked. Try again.

“Spoon?” Twilight said.  Not very useful right now.

“Spork?” There’s Sunny again. Strike three, you’re all out. And in the wrong ballpark to boot.

I heard a laugh from Max. At least he understood what I wanted. 

+Wr…ite…+ He tapped out, laboriously. Actually had to do it twice for Twilight to catch it. 

“Oohhh!” She said, facehoofing. “That makes a lot more sense. Umm...” The ponies looked around the room before a whiteboard and marker floated over to me. On it was written the nurse of the day, and other information, none of it immediately important. 

I grabbed the marker with my left hand, letting the whiteboard float in twilight’s magic. Using my hand, and wincing at the pain in my shoulder, I wiped the board clean-ish before starting to write.

+How long?+

“What?” Twilight asked, looking at the board. I grunted in mild annoyance.

+How long was I out?+

“Umm…” Twilight said, biting her lower lip. 

Melody and Sunny looked similarly abashed, muzzles scrunching a bit. I pointed at the sign in frustration. 

“Three days.” Came the whispered response. I couldn’t tell who said it. There was a pregnant pause.

“You were almost comatose. Same with Max. Though he woke up yesterday.” Twilight finally said.

+What’s the damage?+ I asked, wiping away my previous message.

“Bad. You managed to puncture a lung with your ribs, not to mention the lacerations and contusions.” Twilight said 

“They almost lost the both of you numerous times.” Melody said, small tears visible in her eyes. “The sheer amount of magic they poured into you…” She trailed off.

+Expected recovery?+ I pushed back dark thoughts about what could have happened. Siphoning it away so I could deal with them later.

“The doctors said if you woke up you’d be out in a week or so, full recovery in two to three weeks after that.” Twilight said.  

I stared at her for a moment, kind of blankly. 

+What, Really?+ I wrote on the board.

“Yeah.” Twilight said despondently “If they didn’t have to push so much magic in you early on, then it would have been shorter. If only we had found you faster…” 

+Twilight, with what I’ve had I would be in here for months back home. How’s max.

“He’ll be out of the hospital just before you. Assuming everything runs smoothly. His injuries were less severe, yet far more numerous.” Melody answered that one. Max gave me a pained thumbs up as she said so. 

+That’s good.+ I wrote, absentmindedly chewing my tongue as I thought. 

Pain burst through my jaw as the bastard haymakered me. I tasted blood and saw stars for a moment. Spitting out a globule of blood, I realized I had bitten my tongue. He’ll pay for that

I shook my head, dispelling the vision. My heart picked up a pace.

“You alright?” Melody asked, a concerned note in her voice. I nodded and smiled. Turns out it’s easier to lie if you can’t talk. I remembered what happened in bits and pieces, pushing as many of the unpleasant memories I had to the back of my mind.

+I’m sc fine.+ I wrote in answer, scribbling out a mistake.

We spent almost an hour after that just ‘talking.’ Max would chime in occasionally with a signed phrase. We passed the board to him sometimes as well so he had a chance for better communication. After a while, however, Max drifted off to sleep. I could feel my eyes getting leaden as well, the small ‘talk’ had worn us both out. Noticing this, Twilight and Melody turned to leave, bringing promises of returning tomorrow. 

I laid my hand on Twilight’s withers as she turned to leave.

“Richard?” She asked.

I picked up the marker again and wrote on the board. 

+Twilight, I need to talk to you about something…+





It had been a few days since I had woken up, and both Max and I were feeling much better. I was uncertain whether it was the painkillers or the healing magic of ponies, but either way, it was definitely made life easier for the both of us.  Every day, sometimes even twice a day, a nurse would come in and change our bandages, excluding the casts. 

The neckbrace and head cast had been removed this morning, apparently the magic they poured in healed my skull and neck at a far accelerated rate, but my legs, arms, and ribs were still broken. Something about the magic tolerance forcing them to focus on the severe injuries, leaving very little for the less dangerous ones. 

Which amounted to Max being able to hobble to the bathroom while I was stuck with the bedpans. And help wiping my own ass. Needless to say, I was not the happiest of campers at that, though I knew it was necessary. Thankfully, I could write and sign far more effectively, though it was little comfort.

The nightmares didn’t help much either.

Twilight had returned on my second conscious day to inform me she could not help me with what I wanted, something to do with her station being not quite high enough, which confused the hell out of me. However she said that she still had some avenues of research to look through, but it would be a while.

I was upset at the time it was taking, but I hid it. Intellectually, I knew it would take time, especially for the ruler(s) of an entire country, to decide on what amounted to a petty issue, but I couldn’t help how I felt. Twilight, seeming to have sensed my displeasure, decided to bring her friends in to truly meet Max and I, and to hopefully cheer us up.





“So you’re saying that the big guy and… well, the other big guy… were put in a pit and forced to fight to the death?” Rainbow Dash asked, a mix of awe, pity, and incredulousness edging into her voice.

“Yes.” Twilight said.

“Not cool!” Rainbow said. No. No it wasn’t. 

“How Ghastly!” That’s Rarity. Good to see concern for a thing.

“Oh my.” There’s Fluttershy. My thoughts exactly.

Pinkie merely lost a bit of her smile, while Applejack removed her hat, an odd look in her eyes. Sunny was off in the corner trying to imitate Fluttershy and disappear, while Dr. Song was all the way back at Ponyville Veterinary, working. She didn’t quite have enough vacation saved up to visit me for the whole week, so she usually came by after work.

“Twilight, dear, I feel sympathy for you, and your… pet, but was it really necessary to bring us all down to visit them?” 

“Well, you see… There’s kind of a bit of a secret I’ve been keeping from you…” Twilight said, rolling her hoof. 

“I knew it!” Pinkie interrupted, jumping in front of Twilight. Somehow she had acquired a magnifying glass and a slueth’s hat. “I knew something was fishy the moment I saw ‘em! It all adds up. The visit from Melody, the ‘human get-togethers.’ Even the strange fake apple and restraints in your basement.”

Twilight started blushing, as did many of the ponies, and Max, at the implication. “..but, I… It’s for research!” Twilight protested.

“I know! You’ve been very busy, and very naughty Twilight…. For I know you’ve been researching…” Everyone in the room held their breath, while Twilight had sweat pouring down her muzzle. “…My Cupcakes!”

What?

“What?”

“What in tarnation?”

“Huh?” 

“Dear me.”

“That’s  a priv… huwhat?”

“That’s right. You’ve been using the humans as cover and occasional subjects as you try to determine exactly what it is about my cupcakes that makes them so delicious! If you wanted to know you should have just asked!”

…

The whole room just stared at Pinkie, looks ranging from confused to concerned. For a moment, Twilight seemed relieved, until I blinked and I saw confusion take over.

“No, Pinkie.” Twilight said carefully. “I have not been experimenting on your cupcakes.”

“Oh.” Pinkie said, seeming to deflate a little. “Then what is the secret?”

“It’s not really my place to tell it…” Twilight said, looking at Max.  I took the opportunity, picking up my notepad and pencil that Twilight had brought in recently. In my peripherals, I saw Max mirroring me.

+It’s MY secret. And Max’s.+ I wrote out, holding it up.

+Yeah. We’re kinda… smart.+ Max added.

Silence greeted the room as the ponies looked at eachother, strained smiles on their faces. Their expressions were mixtures of shock, disbelief and some third, unknown emotion that neither Max nor I could place. 

Max and I looked at eachother, shrugging respectively, before turning back to the group in front of us. Applejack looked like she was about to say something, then thought better of it. Fluttershy seemed to be contemplating either running away from or towards us. Rainbow… actually, Rainbow seemed to grow a strange mischevious glint in her eye. Pinkie appeared broken, while Rarity was the only one who had any form of certainty in her bearing.

“Darling, while it’s lovely that you taught these… things… to do simple parlor tricks, I still do not see the point of us being here.”

+Parlor tricks, she says…+ I wrote out. 

+Rarity, I swear this isn’t fake.+ Was Max’s response.

“…” Rarity seemed to be at a loss from words, if the decreasing distance from her jaw to the ground was any indication.

“Girls?” Twilight asked, somewhat fearfully.

“That. Is. SO. AWESOME!” Rainbow shouted, rushing forward towards Max, bombarding him with questions. “How long have you been smart! Like the whole time? ‘Cause then while we were wrestling and all that, you would have been… which means that! I was actually winning aga…”

I tuned her out quickly, turning back to the other ponies in the room. Fluttershy seemed to be trying to fold into herself, her face and most of her body now hidden by her mane. Rarity was still shocked, and Pinkie now appeared like she was trying not to explode. 

*BANG**BANG*
“THIS IS THE MOSTWONDERFULTASTIC THING TO EVER HAPPEN!” Pinkie shouted after having exploded with confetti. Twice. “NOTONLYDOIGETTOTHROWYOUWELCOMETOPONYVILLEPARTIES, which, admittedly I should have done before, BUTNOWIGETTOTHROWCONGRATSONBEINGSMARTHUMANSPARTIES!” She turned and disappeared in a puff of Pinkie-shaped dust

My ears… I thought, the sentiment seemingly shared with the other occupants of the room. Rainbow had stopped assaulting Max with questions while Pinkie’s explosive outburst jarred the rest of the ponies to action. Fluttershy dove under a chair that was far too small to conceal her, Twilight summoned a pair of glowing earplugs for herself, Rarity stopped her impersonation of a fish, and Applejack seemed to have finally figured out what she wanted to say.

“Darlings I… Have to take my leave.” Rarity said, almost sprinting out of the room, while Applejack approached Max and I. 

She looked us up and down, one after another, ignoring the rainbow-colored gnat that was chewing off Max’s ear. Then she nodded, seemingly satisfied. “I suppose I shoulda seen something like this. Both of you were definitely… queer… compared to the rest of the humans…”

Max nodded. I merely rolled my eyes. 

“Well… I better go make sure Pinkie doesn’t tear down the town in her excitement. I need some time to… process… all of this anyways.” She finished, turning on her heel and walking out of the room, chewing her cheek.

After a while, the rest of the girls made their excuses, once most of the questions were answered. Fluttershy stayed the longest, talking mostly to Max and asking him some surprisingly poignant questions. 

For the rest of our time in the hospital, the girls would come visit every now and again along with Melody and Twilight. Rarity hadn’t set foot outside her boutique, apparently the whole ordeal having destroyed her perception of reality. 

Pinkie, the most worryingly of all had only been spotted a handful of times, and each time had been acting normal. The sight of which caused several ponies to faint. At least, if Rainbow Dash is to be believed. 

I spent the time when we had no visitors reading up on equestrian law or sleeping. By the end of the first week, I too was mobile, though only just. Made going to the restroom far easier than it normally would. Although I did ask the doctors at one point why the never freaked out about the whole thing like the girls did. Dr. Stable, who seemed to be our primary physician, merely shrugged and gave a non-committal answer of having seen worse.

Finally, the day before we were due to leave, Twilight came up to me. 


“Richard, Max? I got you both a get well present.” She said, a small grin on her face. Floating in her magic were two waxed cylinders, each recognizable as basically scroll envelopes. With a bit of eagerness, I practically tore mine out of Twilight’s magical field, opening the tube and pulling out the scroll to read it. Max took his as well, curiosity on his face.

As he read his, his face darkened, while a smile grew on mine. 

+I thought we agreed to keep this a secret! It’s bad enough the girls know, now the world does too?+ he signed angrily.

+World? No. Well… if they dig through the records I suppose. But no, this was not some big media hurrah. Merely something to give us the freedom and protection we need. Now, if I defend myself, I will no longer be the one they try to kill. Same with you. We can fight back fully backed by the law!+ I responded, the lengthy statement causing me to drop my scroll.




LET IT BE KNOWN that by the twin powers granted to Us by the Heavenly Bodies, We, Princess Celestia Dawnbringer and Princess Luna Shadowpainter do hereby proclaim that Richard of the United States a Citizen of the Sovereign Land of Equestria, with all due rights, liberties, and responsibilities that are entailed. Henceforth, the assigned being shall be held to the same standards of Peace, Harmony, and Unity as expected of all Citizens, and shall be judged by the same light as are all Citizens.

Signed,

Princess Celestia
Princess Luna

Witnessed,

Princess Twilight Sparkle.