The Secret Origin of the Kitchen Sink
The Secret Origin of the Kitchen Sink
Prologue
Applejack teared up at the sight of her younger sister. She had finally earned her cutie mark. It was a hybrid apple tree slash orange tree. She really did take after both sides of the family. “Oh, Apple Bloom. I'm so proud of you,” she said. She removed her stetson and held it in front of her chest. “That's an amazing cutie mark. I bet you just can't wait to show it off to all your friends.”
“Thanks, Applejack, but don't ya want to know what my special talent is?”
The way Apple Bloom bounced around, Applejack had a feeling that she was going to get a detailed demonstration soon enough regardless. Well, she might as well play along. “Why it's apples! And, uh, oranges too, Ah reckon.”
“Nope!” Apple Bloom kicked the door wide open and pointed a hoof out at the orchard. “It's grafting!”
“Uh, what?” Applejack scratched her crest. She hadn't ever heard of grafting before.
“I can take any two plants and merge them together! Ah found a book on obscure farming techniques in the library and who would have ever guessed that one of them would wind up being my super-special talent?!” Apple Bloom dashed out of the house and ran over to buck a tree. It rained apples and oranges.
“Wha-” Applejack's mouth hung wide open at the sight.
“Isn't it amazing! We don't have to grow just apples anymore. We can grow whatever we want. And we can change it on a daily basis!” Apple Bloom ran in circles around the baskets.
“Well ain't that something. But, uh, this as an apple farm. So obviously, we want to grow apples,” Applejack said.
“And we can! Apples and oranges, and pears, and carrots, and grapes, and pineapples, and cucumbers, and-”
“Uh, Apple Bloom, just what did you do?” Applejack put her hat back on so she could gnaw at both of her front hooves.
“Everything!” Apple Bloom shouted. “I spent all day yesterday getting various plants from everypony in town and putting them all on the Apple Farm!” Apple Bloom hopped up and down in pure joy. She was really proud of her special talent.
“That's...” Applejack had no words.
“Super duper terrific awesome amazing!” Apple Bloom shouted. Applejack looked around to see if Rainbow Dash had said that. Nope, it was her sister. She'd been hanging around Scootaloo a bit too much, it seemed.
“Say, Apple Bloom, why don't you tell your friends? I'm sure every pony in town will want to hear the news too,” Applejack said. She forced herself to keep smiling.
“Ya mean it?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Uh, huh,” Applejack nodded.
“Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes....” Apple Bloom raced down the road to Ponyville.
Applejack looked out at her farm again. Each and every apple tree had some other type of plant growing in it. Her eyes welled up in tears again – and they weren't tears of joy.
Applejack's lament
“This farm, I see, has always been the farm for me.
It's the Apples' way to grow apples for the apple family.
“I like to think I'm simple folk.
This tree right here should not grow coke.
While the lily is quite pretty,
and she's just a silly filly;
I've got a sinking feeling that
my heart will stop and I'll go flat.
“The apple farm's our treasure trove.
The apple trees within our grove
provide for us our juicy fruit:
the Apple family's sacred loot.
But pumpkins mar our branches here;
tobacco too, my dreaded fear.
“Bananas, oranges, blueberries,
seaweed, carrots, wheat, corn, cherries,
marijuana, peas, tomatoes,
peanuts, lilacs, grapes, potatoes,
now grow upon my apple trees,
like a deadly kind of disease.
“This farm, Ah see, has always been the farm for me.
It's the Apples' way to grow apples for the apple family.
“Not... that stuff.” Applejack collapsed on the ground and burst out sobbing. Every single tree, every one of her precious babies, had been violated and transformed into some sort of freaky Frankentree.
Sure, she could plant new trees, but she couldn't stop her sister from using her special talent. That just wouldn't be right. Practically, they could make more money if they could always grow what was in demand, but... all she really wanted from life was apples. Apples! Apples! Apples!
And now... she couldn't even have that.
Wait! It wasn't over – not quite yet. There was still one tree. One that Apple Bloom would dare not touch. It was an ancient secret of the Apple family. The One True Tree, the proto-tree, the original tree, the origin of everything apple – and it was hidden here on the farm.
Applejack composed herself and walked into the barn. It wouldn't do to act suspicious. One never knew when the alicorns were watching. The barn was a lot more spacious on the inside than the outside, but that wasn't its only secret. At first glance, the rows of empty stables appeared to be just that – overflow housing for guests and overnight family reunions. At second glance, that's what they still were. They wouldn't give up their secrets just by looking at them.
Confidant that the doors were fully closed and the windows shut, Applejack walked up to the pigs and whispered at them, “Initiate protocol Omega Seed.”
The seemingly ordinary pigs tuned to look at her. The backs of their eyes glowed with scanning lasers. She was outlined with a red, holographic framework as they confirmed her identity. “Oink-cknowledged. Oink-nitiation Oink-quence Oinked,” they said in a hollow, robotic voice. They appeared to be digging at the ground, but they were actually working the controls for the entire complex.
A soft 'clink' was all that would mark the transformation from the outside. It meant that the building was in complete lockdown and no pony would be able to open the doors or teleport inside. The laser cows would meander nearby to add additional security and watch for potential intruders. This was the best kept secret in all of Equestria.
(Be warned: if you read these next four paragraphs then you will be subjected to a memory wipe) Back inside, all signs of the original wooden and earthy structure were replaced with cold steel. The room was lined with rows upon rows of computers, gadgets, and wires. In addition to housing the One True Tree, this place was also the intelligence hub and armory of the Apple Agency. Applejack would have to wait for the next 'reunion' to advance the goals of the Conspiracy, but for now she was just here for the tree.
Hidden within a deep underground silo, the floor opened up to reveal the oldest living thing in all of Equestria. It predated Celestia by at least five hundred years. It was gnarled and twisted and just plain huge, but it was still quite healthy. Cared for by generations of Apples, it was just as vibrant as the day it had first sprouted. Applejack could see the ripe fruit hanging from its limbs. Apples. Sweet, sweet, apples. All, all, apples.
She only set out six baskets. She didn't want to disrespect the great tree. With a light tap, fruit came raining down and filled them up. She looked into the first basket. Apples. The modern varieties were much juicier and plumper than the smaller fruit before her, but there was something just plain scrumptious about the original too. She picked a fruit out of the basket and bit into it. It tasted plain and the texture was rough, but that didn't matter because it was an apple. She quickly devoured the fruit and held out the apple core on her tongue.
Looking around the room, she could see all manners of advanced electronic devices, disguisable spy gadgets, and blinking control panels, but there wasn't, actually, a trash can. She made a mental note to fix that eventually and stuffed the apple core back into her cheeks for the time being. In accordance with tradition, fruit from the One True Tree was never to leave the Apple family. She'd box up the baskets to bake into pies later. (Memory wipe: Imagine Pinkie Pie giving Jar Jar Binks a confetti-filled blowjob: that just happened to your brain.)
Applejack boxed up the first basket without any trouble, but when she got to the second basket, she swallowed.
The long, hard apple core slid sensually down her throat.
“Kumquats?” This had to be a mistake, a prank, or something. She couldn't believe it. It was an apple tree. It had always been an apple tree; it would always bee an apple tree, right? She looked at the third basket.
“A Pickle barrel?” Applejack scratched her head in confusion. That wasn't even possible, and yet, there it was. She looked in the fourth basket.
“Kumquats? More kumquats?” She looked up. Sure enough, kumquats. She couldn't bring herself to look away. The last two baskets:
“Chimicherries? Cherrychangas?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Her screaming triggered safety protocol seven. Once she caught her breath she was back in the plain, earthen barn again. The pigs-bots eyed her warily, but she wasn't concerned about them. Her last sanctuary had been invaded and defiled. Now there was truly nothing left.
“My life is over... and now that I'm dead... it won't matter what I do,” she said. She looked up at the ceiling with tears in her eyes. With nopony as her witness (due to all the security), she said, “And Ah don't want to be dead a virgin.”
XXX XXX
Golden Oaks Library would be the best place to start. Well, with the shape of the leaves on it now and the smell coming out of Spike's room, Golden Smokes Library would be a better fitting name for it. Applejack winced at the tree. This blatant reminder of Apple Bloom's talent cut her to the c- Well, it was a good thing that Applejack was already 'dead' so she didn't have to feel pain.
There was shouting and banging in the library and the door flew open. Drainbow Rash ran out and had to duck to avoid being clobbered by an encyclopedia. The door slammed shut.
“All I did was write, '..in bed,' like, a hundred times on her friendship reports that she was sending off to the Princess. You'd think she'd appreciate a prank like that.” The light blue pegasus rubbed at a sore spot on her head.
Applejack drunk in the dazzling image of her athletic friend. The rainbow hues of her mane sought to envelop her in a full spectrum of colors, love, and sensual pleasures. A pony that hot just had to be gay, right? Applejack hung her mouth open and panted. It'd be okay if her first time was with a lesbimare. She couldn't wait to be held by the soft and fluffy embrace of ponyfeathers.
Her vision blurred and her eyes drifted apart. Applejack lept in the general direction of her friend.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said when she landed, “how tall and stiff you are.”
“Applejack?”
“Oh, yes, you're so wooden and all for me.”
“Applejack?”
“Why you can't hide your true feelings. They're as plain as your cold, metal surface.”
“Applejack?” Her voice was slow and deliberate, full of concern.
“I can feel your flag rise, and this door opens to your heart for me.”
“Applejack!”
“What? What is it?”
“What the hay are you doing to Twilight's mailbox?”
Applejack was completely wrapped around it. It was covered in ponykisses. “Uh, making out?” She dropped to the ground when she saw Drainbow Rash's eyes bug out. “It's not that bad really, I thought the mailbox was you.”
“Ok-ay. That's it. I'm out of here.” She flew off. “Goodbye Crazyville.”
“Dang blast it. Ah thought you were my friend,” Applejack said to the rapidly receding multicolor contrail. “Well, I've still got other friends.”
***
Applejack opened the library door and walked into a scene of frustration. Twilight was stooped over with her horn glowing as she frowned and concentrated. Several parchments and three quills danced in the air. One quill was writing, a second quill flew over to dip into the inkwell, and the third was already wet with ink and hung in the air waiting for the first one to run dry. Her cheeks were also slightly rosy.
“Hey Twilight,” Applejack said as she looked around. “Ya busy now?”
“Well duh! Rainbow Dash messed up all of my reports to the Princess so now I have to redo them all. This is totally going to mess up my schedule for the rest of the day!” she huffed.
“Oh. Well, uh, where's Spike?”
“He excused himself when I started rewriting all of the friendship reports. He's probably up in his room enjoying the wonders of cannabis again. He's had a glossy look to his face ever since Apple Bloom stopped by to show off her cutie mark.”
“Twilight, shouldn't ya care more about your baby dragon's drug addiction?”
“Nah, he already eats rocks. I don't think it's possible for him to get any more stoned.”
“Well, uh, since it's just the two of us here then, how about we do something special together?”
“Can it wait? I'm still quite busy.”
“Ah guess... say, how about we go hiking together? Just the two of us alone on the trail.” Applejack rubbed up against Twilight and batted her eyelashes.
“What? You want to go hiking? But I've still got so much to do today.” Twilight mentally counted off tasks on her eyelashes. “I probably won't be able to fit that into my schedule until next week.”
“Oh.”
“Besides, what could you hope to enjoy hiking that you can't enjoy right here?”
“Uh, indoor plumbing?” Applejack guessed, badly.
“Oh, yes, I do just love indoor plumbing.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I've totally been roughing it here in town without that.”
“You're right, Twilight. Hiking was a silly idea anyway. What's most important has always been right in front of me all along.”
“Yes, yes. Do go on.” Twilight brought an empty parchment and a quill down in front of her. She could feel another friendship report coming on.
“Say, uh, could you stand up please?”
“You mean like this?”
Applejack climbed on top of Twilight and started humping her.
“Applejack, what the heck are you doing?!”
“I'm having sex with you.”
“Well get off. It's not working. You don't even have a penis.”
“But you said my penis was bigger than Spike's.”
***
“Twilight, haven't I got you the least bit turned on?” Applejack asked.
“Sigh, fine. Yes. Yes, you have. Between your humping and and Rainbow Dash's making me think about Celestia in bed, I'm all hot and bothered. Happy now?”
“Well, Ah feel the same way. So how about we forget about other ponies and have hot, hot sex together?”
“I'm sorry Applejack, but I just can't do that. Princess Celestia is the only pony truly worthy of my love and I need to save myself for her.”
Twilight got up and walked out of the room.
“Wait, Twilight! Don't leave me. Where are you going?”
“The same place I go whenever I get horny: to get my portal gun.” There were the 'vrmmm' and 'vorp' sounds of two portals appearing. Applejack walked through the door to see a scene of Twilight's front half ramming her back half. It was like some kind of horrible clipping error.
Applejack couldn't help but watch in envy as Twilight pleasured herself. “No fair Twilight, earth ponies don't even have horns. My portal gun is useless!”
***
Applejack clearly wasn't going to get any from Twilight, so she left the library. As soon as she stepped outside a bouncy, happy, cheerful, bubbly Twilight bounded over to her.
“Hey there, Applejack,” she said. “Isn't today just” -Twilight slowly started crouching down, swaying back and forth as she went- “grr-rrRrr-rRRRrrRRrr-rrRrr-rrRRRRRREAaATE!” That was the most rhythmic, orgasmic sounding rendition of the word 'great' that Applejack had ever heard.
“Uh, hey there, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack said, blinking her eyes.
“Uh, no. I'm Twilight,” 'Twilight' said. “Why do you think I'm Pinkie Pie? Are you feeling okay, Applejack?”
“But, Twilight's still in the public library masturbating with her portal gun.”
“Well, duh! Why do you think I'm in such a good mood?”
“Uh...” Applejack's mouth hung open and her eyelids twitched.
“Whoa, Applejack, you competing in a mouth-opening contest?” Pinkie Pie bounced in and joined the conversation. “Oh, and Twilight. You sure look happy today! It's always good to see another cheerful pony.”
Applejack's eyes shrunk so much they turned inside-out. Her green iris filled the center circle surrounded by her black pupils in a ring. She turned around and walked off, waving a hoof over her lips and going, “Bbb-bBb-Bbb-bBb-Bbb-BbB-bbB-”
When Applejack was out of sight, 'Twilight' and 'Pinkie Pie' turned to look at each other. They both unzipped themselves. Rarity stepped out of her Pinkie Pie costume, and Pinkie Pie stepped out of her Twilight costume. They jumped up and gave each other a high-hoof then rolled in the street and laughed so hard they got covered in dust. (And then they had sex.)
***
Applejack took a seat at the Daffodil and Daisy Diner. The place was packed with ponies milling about and chatting but Applejack sat alone. She hung her head on the table in shame. Two of her friends had rejected her. She might be 'dead', but she'd probably die again if that kept happening. She looked around at the other ponies. A gray mare with a g-clef cutie mark caught her attention.
“Octavia, you're into other mares right?” Applejack asked.
“What? No! Why do you say that?”
“Well, you hang out with DJ-Pon3 so much I thought that-”
“I don't know why everypony seems to think that I'm in a relationship Vinyl Scratch.” Octavia threw up her forelegs in frustration. “Just because our talents are both music related doesn't mean that we instantly love each other. That makes about as much sense as saying that Raindrops and Sea Swirl are together because their talents are both related to water.”
“Tell me about it sister.” Raindrops walked over to join the conversation. “I mean, we only have sex like three times a week and most of the time she insists on doing it 'dolphin style' anyway which is kind of uncomfortable. That's no reason to think we're a couple.”
Octavia rolled her eyes and walked off.
“Well shoot, Raindrops. If ya don't like Sea Swirl then how about having sex with me instead?”
“What?! Just because we're not a couple doesn't mean that I'm going to cheat on her! Harrumph.” Raindrops turned away in disgust and flew off.
Applejack was left sitting there, alone with the dining room table once again. “Oh, dining room table, you're the only one who understands me.” She leaned down to caress it.
“Your smooth, varnished surface, your hard, wooden interior, your round sensual edges, you're the piece of furniture for a pony like me.”
Applejack stood up and thrusted her hips against it, sending the table rocking.
“Oh yeah!” Bump. “That's it, right there.” Bump. “Keep going.” Bump. “Almost...” Bump. “Just a few more...” Bu-
“Applejack! What are doing to my table?!” The waiter grabbed her and forced her to stop.
“Uh,” Applejack looked at him sheepishly, “Ah was trying to have sex with it.”
“That's just- Get out! Get out! Get out!” He kicked her out just to be certain. “-and don't come back!”
While Applejack got up to nurse her sore rump, the waiter went back inside to console his traumatized table. “Oh poor baby, did the orange pony hurt your feelings?” He caressed the surface and leaned down to kiss it. “Don't worry. You've been in the family for generations. You all have.” He waved a hoof around at the other tables in the room while the patrons stared at him. “I won't let anypony have sex with you but me.”
For a hungry morning, the diner sure was deserted.
***
Applejack sat in the middle of town, staring blankly at a hybrid mass of plant. What had used to be several different flowers was now merged together into one, single flower.
“Applejack.”
Applejack looked down to see Sweetie Belle. She'd suppress her feelings for now. She might be desperate enough to molest furniture but she was no fillyfooler.
“You admiring Apple Bloom's hoofwork too?” Sweetie Belle's voice was full of awe, but it had a hollow edge to it too. She was clearly quite envious.
“Hey there sugarcube. Apple Bloom's talent sure is quite, uh, different. But I'm sure yours will be spectacular. Once ya find it, that is.” Applejack put a hoof on Sweetie's shoulder to console her.
“Different? But Apple Bloom's got the most amazing talent ever!”
“Well, Ah'm not so sure it's all that-” Applejack got cut off when Lilly Valley, Roseluck and Daisy zipped in front of them to admire the plant.
“Wow!” Lilly sniffed at its fragrance.
“It's incredible.” Daisy swung her head around to look at the plant from all angles.
“It's divine.” Rose gingerly poked at the plant's thorns.
“It's a lilly-”
“-a daisy-”
“-and a rose.”
“All melded together in perfect harmony,” the three sighed together.
“We should do the same,” Lilly said. “Let's all get married together.”
Daisy reared up and placed her forelegs against her cheeks in a gasp. “Yes!”
“Oh, and to think that we've been wasting our lives chasing after stallions when this has clearly been the path to true happiness all along.” Rose brought the other two together for a hug.
“And its all thanks to Apple Bloom and her amazing special talent,” Daisy said.
The flower trio walked off together in perfect harmony.
Applejack's mouth hung wide open and Sweetie Belle reached a hoof up to force it shut. “You see? She might as well be a princess, she's that good.”
“Now don't give up, sugarcube. Your special talent doesn't have to be earth-shattering, but it can still be amazing to you.”
“What talent? I don't have any!” Sweetie Belle cried.
“Well shoot, aren't you good at singing?”
“Singing? Singing? Everypony in this town can sing well! That wouldn't make me special or unique at all!”
“Uh...”
“And everything else I touch just turns to ruin. Ruin. It's like I'm destined to be completely useless my entire life!”
Bling! The image of a tangled slinky appeared on Sweetie's rump.
“Oh come on!” she wailed.
***
Applejack walked down the streets of Ponyville. The rhythmic clopping of her hoofsteps resonated with her and she stopped to lean down and caress the smooth stones in the walkway.
“You and me,” she said to the road, “we're going places.”
She rolled over and rubbed her back against it. The road was long, hard, and straight. Just the way she wanted it.
“When I see myself traveling through life, you will always be there, beneath my hooves, to support me. I will never stray from you.”
She rolled over again to plant her ponykisses in neat little rows. These seeds of her affection would surely blossom with passion.
“You're so solid and dependable. Whenever I start to feel lost, you always have a sign to point me in the right direction.”
Applejack drooled on the street with pure longing. Now the tricky part – figuring out how to actually have sex with it. She rubbed her belly against it. That would do, for a start.
An angry voice yelled at her, “Hey! Get out of the way! You're holding up traffic.”
Applejack looked up at an angry Shoeshine, a blue pony with a silver mane. Several other ponies gathered around as well.
“Uh, sorry.” Applejack scooted out of the way to let them pass. They were pulling their carts of goods to the market. Right about now, Applejack would normally be hauling in a cart of apples herself.
“What the heck were you doing out there anyway?” Shoeshine asked.
“Well, Ah was trying to have sex with the road.”
“What?” Shoeshine opened her eyes wide in shock. “Why don't you try having sex with something that makes a bit more sense – like a stallion?”
“Oh, yeah.” Applejack looked around. She spotted a nice, brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark.
Applejack climbed on top of Dr. Whooves and started humping him.
“Applejack, what the heck are you doing?!”
“I'm having sex with you.”
“Well get off. It's not working. You don't even have a penis.”
“But you said my penis was bigger than my brother's.”
***
Scorned again, Applejack wobbled around aimlessly. She almost never came to this part of town. A multicolor streak caught her eye. She turned a corner to see Drainbow Rash land in front of the orphanage. What was she doing there?
Applejack followed her through the gates, but stayed far enough behind to avoid being seen. Drainbow Rash walked into the administrative office. A bell rang, and Applejack was suddenly flooded by children who'd come out to play for recess. They were mostly unwanted earth ponies, but there was one-
“Scootaloo? What are you doing here?” Applejack asked.
“Applejack! Did you come here to adopt me?”
“No-”
“Aww.”
“What I mean is: I've seen your parents. They're not dead.”
“They disowned me at birth when they saw how runty my wings were. I've lived in the orphanage my whole life.”
“That's terrible.” Applejack reached down to console the pegasus filly. “But I'm sure things will brighten up for ya soon. I actually came here because Ah saw Rainbow Dash stop by here first.”
“What? No way!”
The door to the administrative office opened and Drainbow Rash walked out with a green earth pony stallion. The stallion held a clipboard in his mouth and dropped it to sign off on one last form.
“Well, that does it,” the stallion said, “You're officially a parent now. Congratulations, Rainbow Dash. It's good to get that one off our books too. She's been with the orphanage for so long.”
“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Scootaloo zipped over and hugged Drainbow Rash's leg.
“What? Scootaloo?” Drainbow Rash asked. “What are you doing here?”
“What?! But didn't you come here to adopt me?” Scootaloo wailed.
“Uh, no. I didn't even know you lived here.”
“But, if you didn't come here to adopt me, then who...?”
“You're the proud mother of one-” The stallion held the form up to the light to read the name better. “-Fluttershy.”
“FLUTTERSHY?” Applejack and Scootaloo yelled.
“Yeah. Isn't that radical? I can't wait to break the news to her, but I have to set some things up first to make sure it will be totally awesome.” Drainbow Rash collected her paperwork. “So don't tell her before I do,” she requested and flew off.
Applejack and Scootaloo were left standing there with their mouths wide open.
“Now I'm never going to be adopted!” Scootaloo wailed.
“Oh, you're Scootaloo, right?” The green stallion asked.
“Yeah.”
“Well, today's your lucky day, actually. We fond somepony willing to adopt you.”
“Really? Who” Scootaloo perked up.
“A pony by the name of Gummy Pie. You'll find him at Sugarcube Corner.”
“What? Gummy?” Applejack spoke up, “But that's Pinkie's pet alligator! He's hardly even a year old. That can't possibly be legal.”
“Yes, well, we can't be bothered to check the legality of forms for damaged pegasus fillies who can't even fly. Run along now Scootaloo. Your new life awaits you.”
Scootaloo fainted.
***
Applejack returned to town and spotted a tent set up in the middle of the town square. It was blue and had an image of a wand overlayed on top of a crescent.
“Trixie?” Applejack asked.
“Yes, it is her.” Trixie opened her tent flap to address Applejack. “The one, the only, the Great and-”
“Well, shoot. Ya wanna duel again? I'll let you tie me up real nice and tight.”
“Uhf. Trixie has tuned over a new leaf. Trixie no longer ties ponies up to prove that she's better than them. Trixie now ties ponies up for a new reason. For she is now the Great and Promiscuous Trixie.”
“And that's exactly why Ah want you to tie me up.”
“Trixie does not have time to waste on common earth pony rabble.”
“What.”
“Only the most sophisticated, dashing, and important ponies shall be graced with the likes of Trixie. Now be off, Trixie has plenty of waiting to do.”
“Um, if you're just waiting then why not- Wait, what are ya waiting for?”
“Trixie is waiting for the arrival of Cadance tomorrow to-”
“Oh, I get it. You want her to teach you some love spells.”
“The Great and Promiscuous Trixie does not need help from the likes of those. No, Cadance is only stopping by to pick up the newest Princess for the Princess Summit. This is the line to have an affair with her husband.”
“What? Wait, line?”
Trixie closed up her tent and Applejack looked behind it. Sure enough, an entire line of tents had popped up during their conversation. They were all sorts of colors and sizes, but Applejack stopped when she reached a purple one with a six-pointed start on it.
“Twilight! What are you doing here?!”
Twilight unzipped her tent and stepped out. “I'm waiting in line to have an affair with Shining Armor, duh.”
“But – he's your brother! And weren't you saving yourself for Celestia?”
“Yes, well, it doesn't count if it's family.”
“But, aren't you supposed to be at the Princess Summit anyway?”
“What? No. I'd much rather spend time with Celestia any way I can, but I'm pretty sure you have to be an alicorn princess to be invited to that. I'm just a perfectly ordinary unicorn.” Twilight sighed and closed her eyes wistfully.
“Uh...” Applejack ran a hoof along Twilight's side as if seeking for hidden wings but her flank was perfectly smooth, soft-
Twilight pushed Applejack's overly-fondling appendage away. “Pinkie Pie's the Princess, remember?”
Applejack's slack-jawed appearance prompted Twilight to go on.
“There was that whole magical mystery party? All of our cutie marks were messed up and it was up to Spike and Pinkie Pie to fix the whole mess? You spent the whole day with my cutie mark trying to cast spells?”
“I, uh, repressed that memory.”
Twilight looked down at the long line of ponies in front of her and sighed.
“Twilight, if you're here in line, does that mean you're not coming to our picnic this afternoon?”
“I was just going to send Spike in a Twilight suit.”
“What? The same Spike who's locked up in his room stoned out of his mind?”
“Uh...”
“And ya refuse to have sex with me but you're perfectly willing to have sex with your brother?”
“Uh...”
“Twilight, your tent is a better pony than y'all. Isn't that right, Twilight's tent?”
“Uh...”
“Oh, yeah. The way those tent flaps brush against my sides? Such a loving caress. And look at how tall and erect you are!”
Applejack hung in the doorway rubbing the flaps against her fur.
“These strings are taught with the tension of our love.”
Applejack stepped out to twang the tent support lines. It rocked softly in response.
“Your pegs dig into the earth, in defiance of society's scorn of our love, but I'd much rather they dug into me, instead, if ya know what I mean. Oh, Twilight's tent, you simply must take me right now!”
Applejack threw herself onto the tent which came crashing down in response. Broken tent poles poked out of the wreckage.
“Ah guess it wasn't meant to be,” Applejack said sadly. “They just don't make tents like they used to.”
“You destroyed my tent! They never made tents that way! I can't camp out now without any shelter.”
“Well, some other time perhaps?”
“I guess I have no choice. It's probably for the best, anyway.” Twilight looked up at the sky and sighed.
“Ya had a change of heart and decided to do something sensible?”
“I had so many delays this morning I didn't get a very good spot. The line hardly even moved last time. Shiny was here six hours and only got through five ponies. I probably wouldn't even get a turn back here.”
“Oh.”
***
Applejack walked into Poyville's boutique. Of all her friends, Rarity was the one who knew the most about love.
Rarity dropped what she was working on when Applejack came in. “Applejack, my goodness, darling, you look so run down.”
In a hoof-click Rarity pulled Applejack behind one of those screens of hers and got to work. Sparks flew, saws buzzed, and roosters laid eggs. When the dust settled, Applejack was wearing a frilly blue dress with one of those tall, pointed, veiled hats.
“Ah, thanks for the effort and all, but what I really what is to look sexy. Can ya do that?”
“You? Sexy? Well that will certainly be a challenge.”
“Are you saying Ah'm ugly?”
“No, it's just – I don't normally get that type of request.” Rarity tapped her hoof against her chin in contemplation. “Ponies usually prefer to have sex nude.”
“Well, you don't have to make me look sexy. Ya can just make me feel sexy, right? What I mean is, I've been trying to get some all day and – look, let's just have sex, okay?”
“Applejack, that's generous of you to offer, but I'm afraid I must decline.”
“What? You saving yourself for somepony special too?”
“Oh no, nothing like that. It's just that I've already been satisfied today. I just finished having sex with Pinkie Pie and I also borrowed your portal gun earlier this morning.”
“So that's why it was so sticky.”
***
Applejack and Twilight were walking to the park to set up the picnic when Applejack spotted Scootaloo trying to dart past them unnoticed. She didn't make it.
“Scootaloo?” Applejack asked. “Are you all right?”
Scootaloo poked her orange head out of a bush. “Eep. Uh, yeah, Applejack, I'm perfectly fine. Nothing suspicious going on here.”
“That's not what I saw. Why y'alls rump was completely bare!”
“You... saw that?”
“I'd have to be as blind as a sub-prime mortgage investor not to. Your rump was pinker than Pinkie's Pie.” Applejack reached for Scootaloo, who ducked. “It's alright. You can come out where we can see you.” Scootaloo didn't move. “Now.”
Scootaloo hung her head low and walked out. Sure enough, all of the fur on both sides of her rump had been shaved off.
“Scootaloo did- Ah can't believe I'm asking this -did Gummy do this to you?”
“No. It was an accident. Can I go now?”
“That sure don't look like no accident.”
“Well it was! I'm embarrassed about it okay, can I go now?”
“Scootaloo, you don't have to be embarrassed,” Twilight said. “I've got a spell that can grow back hair in a jiffy.”
“What? NO!” Scootaloo darted out of the way of a magical blast.
“Scootaloo, the spell won't work if you dodge it.” Twilight tried zapping her a few more times.
“No, no, no!” Scootaloo frantically kept dodging.
“Don't worry, Ah got this.” Applejack pulled a rope out from under her hat. A few heartbeats later Scootaloo was hogtied and dangling upside-down from a tree. “Boohyah! Second place overall at the Equestrian rodeo championship. She never had a chance.”
“NO!” Scoots screamed one last time as Twilight hit her with the spell. She watched in horror as her fur grew back, revealing her cutie mark.
“What,” Applejack said, looking at it, “is that-”
“Fluttershy?” Applejack and Twilight said together.
Scootaloo sobbed. “My idolization of Rainbow Dash was just a front. I've always secretly had intense feelings for Fluttershy. Nopony was ever supposed to know, but how was I supposed to know that it'd wind up being my super special talent!”
“Scootaloo has a Flutterstalker cutie mark?” Applejack said. “Wow, and I didn't think it could get any worse than Sweetie Belle's uselessness one.”
Applejack wondered if it counted as fillyfoolin' if she had sex with the bush that Scoots had been hiding in.
***
Applejack pulled another thorn out of her rump. Of all the dang-blasted bushes...
“Applejack, why don't you go do something else while I set up for the picnic,” Twilight said. “I suddenly don't trust you around silverware anymore.”
“Aw, Twilight. Don't be like that.” Applejack plucked out another thorn. “Ya know I've just been trying to get off all day.”
“Well it's starting to creep me out.” Twilight magiced a maple tree to bring down some lemons that were growing in it for their tea. “Say, why don't you go bother Fluttershy?”
“What? Is she into mares?”
“Even if she isn't, she'll still let you mount her. She's such a doormat.”
***
Applejack suddenly stopped downwind of Fluttershy's cottage. She smelled burning flesh. She fought the instinct to bolt and ran ahead instead. When she broke through the clearing, the scene before her would be burned into her brain forever.
Fluttershy was sitting next to a barbecue grill with a pile of discarded bunny pelts next to her. There were the cracking and popping noises of breaking bones as she forced bunny flesh through a meat grinder. A pile of cages with distressed rabbits lay nearby. Half of the cages were already open and empty.
“FLUTTERSHY! What the heck are you doing?!”
“Oh, hi.” Fluttershy turned to face Applejack. Her eyes were half-droopy and she wore a slight frown. She didn't look happy, but, she wasn't particularly upset, either. “I'm cooking some bunny burgers.”
“Have you gone mad! Have you developed a taste for flesh?!”
“No. I'm a vegetarian. Ponies don't eat meat.”
Applejack looked at her picnic table. There were already several fully-assembled bunny burgers sitting on it.
“Do you need a meat sacrifice to appease some wild beast from the Everfree Forest?”
“No.”
“Are the bunnies overpopulated and you need to thin down their numbers?”
“No.”
“Are you cooking these burgers so that you can give them to the carnivorous animals and be better friends with them?”
“No”
“Have the bunnies offended you in some way? Is this some sort of friendship cookout? Are you cooking them as an example to the others?”
“No.”
“Is- is this some sort of sacrifice for a made-up religion? Are you trying to form a cult?”
“No.”
“Fluttershy, what are you going to do with all these burgers?”
“I'll probably just leave them sitting out until they go bad and then throw them away.”
“Why are you cooking your animal friends?”
“I'm just bored. That's all.”
“Bored?”
“Bored.”
“You're cooking your animal friends because you're bored?!”
“Yeah.”
Applejack twitched and walked around jerkily. The bands she wore around her ponytail and, well, pony tail suddenly snapped. Her mane poofed out and sent her hat flying into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.
“Apple Bloom finally got her cutie mark today. Isn't that more interesting than frying your animal friends?”
“What? No way!” Fluttershy dropped her spatula and poured water on the barbecue pit to put the fire out. “Now that I've got to see.” She opened the remaining cages and addressed the bunnies, “Alright, you can roam free now, but be sure to be back by dark or you'll miss supper, okay?” They fled for the hills.
When she finished, she flew over to give Applejack a bloody hug. She hadn't even washed her hooves. “Thanks, Applejack. You have no idea just how dull it's been around here lately.”
Applejack continued to twitch and sputter even after she'd flown off. Her eyes caught the pile of bunny burgers left completely unattended. The animals had fled. Fluttershy was gone. Applejack looked around. She didn't see any sign of anypony else. She held up a burger in front of her. She took a bite.
“Puu.” She spat it out. Applejack wasn't sure which was worse: the fact that she'd put meat in her mouth, or the fact that it wasn't half bad, actually.
Applejack kept spitting and chewed on some random plant but she couldn't get the thought of the taste of meat off her mind. She backed into a tree and looked up. It was an oak tree, an honest to goodness oak tree, all the way up. Apple Bloom hadn't been out here yet. It wasn't a particularly big tree either but it was the perfect size for her.
Applejack wrapped all four of her legs around its trunk. Her hooves just barely touched together on the other side.
“Ya know, Ah always thought that if I was going to do it with a tree that it'd be an apple tree.”
Applejack rubbed her belly against the tree. The tree swayed in response.
“But there aren't any apple trees. Not real ones, not any more.”
Applejack's rubbing became more vigorous. Her hide chaffed against its bark.
“Oh, Oak tree, don't take that as meaning that you're inferior; our love is no less real.”
Applejack rubbed against the tree as hard as she could. It rocked with her in response.
“Oh yeah! Don't stop, Oak tree. Ya almost got- Ow. Ack. Hey!”
Applejack stopped and looked up to see an angry squirrel pelting her with nuts. He hadn't fled when Fluttershy started cooking bunnies but stayed hidden in his nest instead.
“Dang tree rat. Why couldn't Fluttershy make squirrel burgers instead?” she spat.
***
Applejack walked into Sugarcube Corner. Twilight was there to pick up Pinkie's cupcakes for their picnic. Princess Celestia also walked into the room. Applejack and the other ponies in the room (except Twilight) bowed at her arrival.
“Why hello there, Twilight,” she said.
“Princess Celestia! Oh, it's so good to see you again.” Twilight ran over to rub against her legs affectionately.
“And it's good to see you too.” Celestia giggled at Twilight's antics. “I came to see you because of the messages you've been sending me.”
“What? Is this because several of my reports had '...in bed' scribbled all over them? But I fixed those! It's not like I'd really want to jump on you in bed, but, I mean, I do, but- Eeep!” Twilight covered her mouth in shock. “I can't believe I just said that.”
Celestia looked down into her student's eyes.
“Yes?” Twilight looked up, hopeful.
“Twilight, I love each and every one of my subjects.”
“Oh.” Twilight looked down, downcast.
“You're special to me.”
“Yes?” Twilight looked up, hopeful.
“Everypony's special.”
“Oh.” Twilight looked down, downcast.
“Twilight. This isn't just about your friendship reports. Why have you been sending me these five-pointed leaves all day?”
Twilight froze in shock. She tried to put a smile on top of her incredibly guilty expression. At least the marijuana had reverted to its original form and not arrived as rolled-up joints. Suddenly, kicking Spike's smoking addiction became Twilight's number one priority. “I'll get right on fixing that,” Twilight said and darted out the room.
Celestia sighed, and also walked out of the room.
“Well, I guess I'll be the one taking these cupcakes to our picnic, then.” Applejack told Mr. Cake.
***
Applejack arrived at the picnic just in time to miss Drainbow Rash's big reveal. She could see the two of them hugging tightly and the rest of her friends were cheering. If only she hadn't stopped to have sex with Twilight's mailbox again. (It didn't work out; she lacked sufficient postage.)
Applejack dropped the cupcakes on the picnic blanket.
“My, that's an unusual look for you, Applejack.” Rarity commented on her wild and poofy mane.
Twilight levitated a cupcake to take a bite. She spat it out.
“Pinkie! These cupcakes are horrid. They taste like literary failure. Did you bake them out of fanfiction or something?”
Pinkie shrugged.
Applejack stared at Drainbow Rash and Fluttershy. The way the two of them snuggled together made her deeply envious. Drainbow Rash, in particular, looked spectacular. Applejack was so intent on staring at them that she missed part of what was being said.
“...and you're all invited to celebrate Gummy's 'I'm a Father Now' party!” Pinkie said.
“Rainbow Dash, will you please have sex with me.” Applejack blurted out.
“I'm sorry Applejack, but my heart has already been taken by another,” Drainbow Rash said.
“Well, I know you and Fluttershy are close, but Ah didn't know you loved her like that,” Applejack said. “And aren't you technically her mother now?”
“Oh no, not her. You see Applejack, my heart really belongs to Princess Celestia.”
“WHAT?” This came as a shock to all the ponies (especially Twilight).
“It's true. I cannot deny it any longer.” Princess Celestia flew in and knelt down before Drainbow Rash. “Please, Rainbow Dash, please just take me now,” she begged.
“How can I deny my Princess any longer. We were always meant to be together.” Drainbow Rash leaned forward to give Celestia a passionate kiss – tongue and all. “Come, let us fly. We will show the whole world the true passion of our love.”
The two of them blasted off together. They built a huge cloud pyramid together to house their enormous love. The sun shook with the passion of their lovemaking. The sky thundered with the force of their sonic rainboom-gasms.
...and then she got such a rash.
***
Applejack stared blankly at the picnic. The divine lovemaking had been too much for her to handle.
“Oh, picnic basket. You hold the fruits of my desire. I will treasure your gifts and carry you with me for the rest of my days.”
“Alright, Applejack. I think that that's enough.” Rarity cut her off.
“Huh?”
“Pinkie, I think it's time we told Applejack the truth,” Rarity said.
“What? What do you mean?” Applejack asked.
“Well, silly, the truth is that we've been pulling pranks on you nonstop all day,” Pinkie said.
“What?”
“It all started when Apple Bloom earned her cutie mark. The truth is, she respects apples just as much as you do, but we knew how much fun it would be to see you freak out over random plants. Right now she's back at the farm fixing the trees back up. They're still hybrids, but they're all apples. Granny Smith, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, all on the same tree. That sort of thing.”
“You don't know just how glad I am to hear that.” Applejack's poofy mane deflated and she re-strapped it. She looked up at the sky to see a star twinkle but her hat was gone forever. (Yes, the star was out during the day. When Twilight wound up with Drainbow Rash's cutie mark she ended up moving more stars than clouds. The sky was still messed up.)
“Wait, if Apple Bloom respects apples, then what about-”
***
Applejack suddenly found herself in a featureless pink void. She wasn't alone. Pinkie Pie appeared in a flash of yellow magic and confetti. Her horn was lit with a soft, yellow glow and her wings were spread open.
“Apples, kumquats, pickle barrel, kumquats, chimicherries, cherrychangas!” she said.
Applejack's mouth fell open. Those were the fruits she'd found on the One True Tree. “But, our security.” Applejack shuddered. The alicorns really were watching.
“I'm Pinkie Pie,” Pinkie Pie said. She had been chewing on an apple. She pulled the core out of her mouth to stuff into Applejack's. She leaned in so close they were touching muzzles. “The Conspiracy answers to me now.”
***
The whole exchange had taken place in less than a heartbeat. Nopony had even changed expressions. Applejack swallowed.
The long, hard, apple core slid sensually down her throat.
“The truth is, there is no Ponyville Orphanage. We also set things up to give Scootaloo a fake cutie mark,” Pinkie said
“Really? But what about Sweetie Belle's cutie mark?” Applejack asked.
“Huh? But Sweetie Belle wasn't in on this.”
“My sister finally earned her cutie mark?” Rarity's eyes sparkled with delight. “Oh, I can't wait to see what it is. I bet it's just darling.”
“Ah, darling, right. Well what about all those ponies camping out to have an affair with Shining Armor during your Princess Summit?” Applejack asked.
“What? There's a line for that? I'm totally going to have to send Gummy to the next Princess Summit in a Pinkie suit. I want in on that action too!”
“Er...” Applejack wasn't expecting that from Pinkie. She turned to face Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, you were cooking bunnies! Ya can't fake that!”
“Oh, well, it's okay,” Fluttershy said dismissively. “The truth is, those were stunt bunnies. They don't have feelings.”
“Well there you have it,” Twilight said. “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So what do you think about it? The truth, that is.”
“Well the truth is, the truth is... I really love the truth! As a matter of fact, Ah'm going to have sex with it right now. Ooooh, oOOo, OooOOOHH! Oh yeah baby, nothing can make me climax quite like the truth!”
“Oh my goodness,” Fluttershy said.
“Can a pony do that? To the truth?” Rarity asked.
“Well she is,” Pinkie said.
“I can't believe she's still at it,” Twilight said.
“Ah yeah! The truth is the best! Ah can keep going all night! OooOOOHH!”
“I've never seen a pony spurt so much,” Fluttershy said.
“I think the joke's on us,” Pinkie said.
“She's... still at it,” Twilight said.
Rarity blanched as she watched the spectacle (an impressive feat for a white pony). She was never going to tell the truth ever again.
Epilogue
Eleven months later, Twilight gave birth to a perfectly healthy kitchen sink.
The En-
“HOLD IT! Why me? Why? Wasn't this whole story supposed to be about Applejack?”
Well, you were the one who said that she loved indoor plumbing.
“I didn't mean it that way! It was sarcasm! Do you have any idea of just how painful that was? I was in labor for two days! Not to mention all of the complications during pregnancy!”
Uh, well, hey who's a cutsie wootsie little sinky winky. You is! Yes you are. Yes you are.
“Hey! Don't try to change the subject on me.”
Aww, the poor widdle sinky has a leak. Somepony needs to change his seal. So be a good mommy and fix him right up, won't you?
“Aah, gah, buh, wha-, BblbBl, uuh, agwabwa, Oo-” Thud.
...and she faints at the first sign of dirty dishes. What a terrible parent.
-End