Derpy's Got it in the Bag

Nightmare Night comes only once a year. It's the time when all the children in Equestria—especially those in Ponyville—get to express their inner demon, witch or wizard, mummy or zombie, werewolf or timberwolf, vampire or recluse, tablecloth sheet, paper bag, murderous psychopathic schizophrenic bipolar, hyperactive attention-deficit guy with a polka-dot football mask...

Yeah, you get it.

It was more or less the only time of the year when they would have an excuse for hoarding sweets.

Take, for example, Pinkie Pie—

Every single Nightmare Night, and I mean every single Nightmare Night, she would act as the ringleader of all the little monsters, eyes on the same prize as them; the candy. Well, last year, she ate too much of it in one sitting. . .and, well, she kind of did it to herself. She spent hours in the restroom.

Those Air Head things really were out of control. 'Jeez' and 'ouch' both ways to the extreme.

Anyway, this year would be different. This year would be one mare's time to shine.

Derpy thought it all out. She figured out what she would dress up as, what she would do, and what she would say; and most of all, her goal—to have the most treats at the end of the night. She 'cackled' 'evilly' as she looked at herself in Rarity's sewing room mirror, garbed in her costume. Which sewing room, you ask? Hard to tell. We all know that every room in the boutique could be appropriated as a sewing room if needed be, according to the rising fashionista superstar.

She imitated a random kid, one who was likely to ask her of her choice of cosplay. Then, she stood on her hind legs, as her whole idea for the costume set-up required that she always be on her hind legs, and she extended her forelegs in front of her, shattering the mirror she looked at. She stood still in the position, smiling under her guise.

"Heh."

Derpy's simple costume, as they all were, was an oversized purple pillowcase that she wore, draped over her head. It was held on her face with a pair of thick-framed, lengthy oval-shaped black glasses with the lenses popped out.

That was it. No surprise, really.

Oh, weren't you so surprised?

Derpy was blatantly heard giggling under her hood when Rarity walked in to assess the damage she anticipated. . .again. "Oh, not another one!" she whined. "Dear, surely you can't expect anypony to be fooled by. . ." She cleared her throat. "You certainly can't expect to be comfortable wearing that over your head. I mean. . .can you?"

Rarity's shop, Carousel Boutique, would normally be open to trick-or-treaters, where Sweetie Belle would need to stay behind and 'deal with them', but this year, Rarity missed the deadline for the semi-seasonal 'U-Neek Boo-Teek' contest she had been thrust into. She decided to pass on the night's events and use the inspiration in the air to complete her project, kept very tightly under wraps. Basically, though, she was going to make the skimpiest outfit that she possibly could.

When Rarity approached Derpy from behind, the hooded mare stumbled around on her hind legs and struck the pose; forelegs extended forward and glasses fixed on her target. Rarity jumped back an inch, and Derpy kept her position frozen, but underneath, she had the goofiest face ever.

"Uhm. . . But you can definitely give everyone a good spook! Eheh. . ." Rarity backed off and backed away, her eyes on the silly mare. Derpy hadn't let up with her stare until Rarity stopped, next to the entrance to the room she originally came out of. "Ahem. . . Go. . .get 'em?" Derpy finally let up and saluted her with her right leg, then Rarity quickly hopped into the room to the left.

She looked out the nearest window and saw how the trick-or-treaters were already on the move. She kicked another pillowcase near the broken glass in front of her—the one she planned to use to contain her treats—and stumbled toward, out the boutique's front door. She felt the cool evening air on her exposed lower body and followed the group of children to their first stop of the night.

"NIGHTMARE NIGHT!"
"WHAT A FRIGHT!"
"GIVE US SOMETHING SWEET TO BITE!"

A choir of young, high-pitched voices seemed to be the magic words to open the door to the town's local Library, where Twilight Sparkle answered the door, also serving as her place of residence. Although she enjoyed seeing all the little fillies and colts in their highest spirits, her studies were still being interrupted now and then. It was like she did nothing but study something—anything.

"Oh! My, I must say, I wasn't expecting guests this early. . .especially after that whole fiasco Pinkie orchestrated last year." She spoke to herself, albeit out loud, reallocating her train of thought in the process. She reached for a bucket of wrapped candy with her magic on a desk near the door. She distributed its contents equally to all the eager visitors. "Four for you, and four for you!" The line to her was long, and Derpy was at the very end of it.

"Oh, excellent costumes, all of you!" An orange filly cosplaying as a Cockatrice piqued her interest, and she felt warm-hearted at all the happy young children. But now it was Derpy's chance; the others had moved on to the next house. She walked up to her and stared at Twilight through her thin pillowcase and lensless glasses.

"Uhh. . ." Twilight winced and cocked a curious brow. "Interesting choice of creature, though I've never seen it before. What are you supposed to be, if I may ask?"

Derpy immediately engaged in her routine and threw her forelegs at her, this time holding her empty bag with them.

"Some kind of undead, brain-munching biped?" Derpy nodded defiantly and thrust the bag toward her again.

"Aaaahh . . . Derpy?" She did it once again. Twilight's muzzle was scrunched back as the stretched fabric pushed it. "Aahh, you know what? Take the whole thing. You've earned it, yep! You sure scared me, heh-heh-heh!" Twilight levitated the bucket of candy to Derpy's bag, and the veiled mare let go of her empty linen to grab the bucket and stuff it into it. Then, she let go of the bag entirely and struck the familiar pose, making Twilight shed a sliver of a smile. Derpy retrieved her reapings and stumbled off, and Twilight shut the door immediately after.

She heaved a heavy sigh; one of exasperation. "Well then." She saw one last piece of candy on the floor. She wasn't a real big fan of teeth-rotting snacks, but all her studying had made her crave something sweet. She picked it up and unwrapped it, both with her magic, and ate it. "That was some offering, I guess. If she was fending off evil spirits with that, then I'll be able to sleep peacefully tonight. No more late-night fan-fictions about the library being haunted." Twilight cracked a smile, then erupted into a fit of laughter and threw herself onto her back.

Derpy made her way around Ponyville, keeping up her act and receiving reluctant compliments—and even better, robbing every house of sweets. She didn't know where the group of kids went, but she didn't have to worry about robbing them of candy: they had already been to every house that she planned to visit that night.

The time came to visit Fluttershy's cottage. Her property wasn't at all decorated for the celebration, but then again, this is Fluttershy we're talking about here. Derpy walked up to the front door of the building, and on the elevated doorstep laid an orange bucket of candy with a white note taped to its visible Jack-O-Lantern toothy smile:

Take as much as you want, just don't hurt me! Well, I know you wouldn't do that, you're all adorable little kids in cute, mostly scary costumes. You know, I'm the world champ at making cutesy costumes for Nightmare Night! Or, actually not, but I bet I could be! Oh, but wait, Rarity's the one you'd want to go for that. But please, just take all the candy you want and don't hurt me. Cherries on top. There are some cherry flavored candies in there, you know. . ."

The note went on and on, even to its backside, but either way, the children who had been at her doorstep previously had taken only one or two pieces of candy each, as trustworthy as they were.

Derpy, on the other hand, stood there; a wicked smile crept upon on her face, as the concept of 'all for one' enticed her. She knew in her heart, though, that she shouldn't. She just couldn't do it. She stood in place for roughly an hour, weighing her singular, simple options. Then finally she placed a hoof on her chin and looked as if she had decided—

Well, she just went back to thinking about it for another hour or so.

Ultimately, Derpy ended up reaching for the bucket, shoving it and its contents inside her trick-or-treat pillowcase. A happy, thrilled smile developed underneath her cover, then she turned around and skipped off, swinging her reapings along with her movements. Fluttershy just happened to peek out from her boarded-up window in time to see what she thought to be a purple ghost floating away. She whined in fear and slowly crept back down to safety.

Derpy's next stop was Sugarcube Corner, but she noticed something upon coming up to the property. Not only were their front lights off, but the whole town was dark now; no lights were on at all except the streetlights above the town. Derpy really spent a lot if time back there at Fluttershy's place. Nevertheless, she barraged the front door with thumps of her hooves. Ten of them, to tell the story straight.

It was a very slow process, but the lights inside opened up, one by one, and the door opened with appropriate suspense.

Derpy was now accustomed to looking down on ponies due to her bipedal position, but she had to look way down at the 'Welcome!' mat to see little Pound Cake, who opened the door in-flight and greeted Derpy with a briefly strange but jovial look. Pumpkin Cake followed behind her sister, lifting herself up with her incredible magical ability and looked at Pound. She giggled at her, then they both looked back at Derpy, who presented them with her bag of candy, expecting them to make a donation. But instead, Pumpkin levitated a piece of candy from the bag into Pound's mouth, and then one for herself. They both ate their candies simultaneously, wrappers and all.

Then, unexpectedly, an adult voice emanated from the interior.

"Ah . . . Hello?"

It was Mr. Cake. His voice was groggy and his mane was a mess. Derpy had awoken him. "A Trick-or-Treater?" he continued. "Heh, it's two in the morning. Is this your first time out or something?" Again, she thrust the bag forward and expected a donation, only this time at the adult. "Sorry," he finally said, after a few dazed seconds. "We're all out of candy. Everyone always comes here first."

"Every. Single. Year." he emphasized with great exasperation.

Derpy put a hoof on her chin and thought, then immediately plucked Pumpkin Cake from the air and put her in her bag.

"H-Hey!" shouted Mr. Cake. " Hey, what do you think you're doing?!" His reflexes were dull, but he reacted as fast as he could; he didn't act fast enough, though, to catch Derpy taking little Pound as well. She quickly struck the trademark pose and sloppily ran off. Mr. Cake was then joined by his wife, who was just as disorientated as her husband. He explained the situation and they darted off after her.

This is where you go to YouTube and search 'Benny Hill Chase Theme'.

Do it, foo.

Derpy ran from house to house, waking everypony from their well-deserved slumber and taking various things from them. None of them were prepared for a midnight candy heist, let alone a chase, but that's what they all ended up doing when they didn't have any candy to give to Derpy. There must have been more groups of kids who made their own rounds later on in the night, depleting everyone's candy reserves.

From Berry Punch, she had taken a thirty-two pack of Hub Light. She wasn't too phased by it, as she was already drunk enough from another thirty-two pack, but she joined the chase because everyone else was f***ing doing it, and she was most likely buzzed as s**t. From the Quills and Sofas dude, she had taken a quill, signed a sofa with an illegible signature, then nabbed a recliner-chair and ran off. Diamond Tiara bribed Derpy to just go the hell away, claiming that they were 'too cool' for Nightmare Night, but the mare struck the pose and swiped the tiara off the confounded filly's head, Silver Spoon following her angry lead after the mare, just as she always did.

She took some personal black-paged textbooks from Cheerilee, an experimental makeshift glove from Lyra, as well as a pile of apples from Bon Bon—she swore she never put them in her bag anyway. She freaked out Cranky Doodle Donkey and ripped the glued-on mullet right off his scalp. She robbed the three Flower Ponies of their shop's outdoor foliage, planted or not, and that included a freakin' Venus fly trap for some reason. However, they all collectively cried out and fainted in place, not joining in-pursuit. She spilled Mayor Mare's Touch of Gray hair applicant and ran of with another. From Carrot Top, she snagged an unfinished crossword puzzle with a few letters written in a single box. Derpy managed to look the puzzles over, and in each little box was part of one single sentence. 'icantfititallin'. Just like that. Yup.

She dragged off a whole turntable from DJ Pon3, and vinyl records were flying all around, tripping a few ponies who were chasing her. From Colgate, she pulled a foamy toothbrush right out of her mouth, as well as an electric one. It was crusty and smelled weird. She took a big, round hunk of Swiss cheese from Flufflepuff, who literally just had to roll outside to join the chase. At one point she came across a certain redheaded mare and threw her the four bits she had taken from Diamond Tiara, whose eyes fluttered in a state of 'what the f**k' before she headed back into her nearby shop. She even stopped by Zecora's place in the Everfree Forest and stole a miniature plush that, in every sense, resembled Rarity.

Then finally, she stopped by the Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse, where Scootaloo took to call a shelter. She was awake and in the middle of a staring contest with a chicken when she heard a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" she called. Derpy immediately pushed the door open and walked toward the two. One look from the chicken was enough for it to immediately lay an egg, that of which Derpy took, in addition to the passed-out chicken itself. Derpy posed at Scootaloo and hopped out the window that led to a view of Sweet Apple Acres.

"Well that was. . .weird," the little Pegasus murmured, taking time to realize what in the heck just happened. "But hey, at least I don't lay eggs!! HA!"

"Ah'm awfully sorry sugarcube, but Daylight Savin's already passed a while ago. We weren't expectin' Trick-er-Treatin' at four in the mornin'." said a sleepy Applejack. She was as dazed and confused as the Cake couple must have been.

Derpy insisted an offering as she thrust the bag forward, its weight flying and kicking Applejack in the joints in both her forelegs. The hard-working mare yelped in surprise and knelt down to the ground, but then she overheard the sudden giggling of the Cake children laughing it up at the very bottom of the bag, with the accompanying rustling. They were having the time of their lives playing with all the stuff in that bag.

"Hey, am I hearin' things?" She shook her head vigorously and pointed her hoof at the purple bag. "What all do ya have in there?"

"Ooohh, AppleJack, who's at the door?" Granny Smith called from the back of the room.

"Hey, Granny!" AppleJack yelled back, as the whole family was now awake; Applejack sure was, with a precise strike to her legs like that. "Get over here 'n look at this getup!" She then turned to Derpy again, biting her bottom lip with her teeth all of a sudden, and chuckling under her breath. "No offense, sugarcube, but yer costume's just priceless." Derpy just looked at the elder, who was slowly advancing to the door. She was thinking.

"You should'a woke me up five hours from now. You know I've got to be at AppleBloom's school at the high-noon time time of the day. Why, Nightmare Night was only last week, mhmm? What do ya think someone would be needin' at this-" Granny Smith came to Applejack's side and focused her delayed sight at their guest.

"It's great, right?"

Granny Smith froze in place; Derpy had her scared the life out of her. And when the cloaked mare stuck her pose, the elder's false teeth leaped out of her mouth as she leaped back herself, about an inch or two. They flew up and straight into the purple bag while Granny Smith just fled. The masked mare then extended her forelegs at Applejack, striking the infamous pose. Then, she closed the bag and threw it over her shoulder, as if it weighed nothing.

"Yer gonna give those back. . .arent'cha?" Applejack gave Derpy a deadly serious look, but then she noticed bright lights in the distance behind her. What looked to be an angry mob, with pitchforks and torches in their hooves and jaws, was heading up the hill to her home. Her expression turned from anger to scared poopless in a matter of seconds. Were they threatening her? Or Derpy?

Derpy made it clear that they were after her; with glances to both her left and her right, she ran to the side of the Acres' living complex, where the comedically appropriate music somehow faded out. She suddenly took flight, with the intention of visiting a certain rainbow-maned acquaintance of hers. However, her wings had difficulty carrying the absurd amount of baggage she was carrying. in addition to her own body.

Eventually, Derpy began to descend, the weight of her stolen treasures pulling her down. Pound Cake escaped the bag, and Derpy desperately closed it up at the top, but the little filly didn't escape the entire scene. Instead, she dove down to the bottom of the bag and snagged a bit of the loose fabric with her teeth, ascending once again without breaking a sweat. By herself, she couldn't manage this, but, with the help of Pumpkin Cake's great magical ability, and how it kept the fabric from ripping, they both kept Derpy and the incongruously stuffed pillowcase afloat. Derpy was pleased to see her own ascension continue; she enjoyed the upward ride, reminiscent of riding in a hot-air balloon.

The chicken she had taken earlier had laid another egg, and it was the only thing that escaped the scene as a whole. It flew away, but not without laying a few eggs that rushed down to the ground.

Then another one dropped.

And then another.

And another. And another.

And another. And another.

All of the eggs fell straight down with the speed of missiles, smashing against members of Derpy's angry mob below. Applebloom witnessed the scene just as Pumpkin Cake magically poofed at the top of the overly inflated bag, sitting on it.

"Huh," she wondered. "So babies really do come from storks. . ."

They reached the tops of he clouds, but then Granny Smith's teeth suddenly began to chatter for some reason or another, and it was loud enough to act as Rainbow Dash's alarm clock, as the sound resonated quite a distance. She woke up groggy, on a peculiar cloud in a not-so peculiar place in the sky, albeit as close to Derpy as possible, but she instantly cracked up when she laid eyes on Derpy and her situation.

"Oooh, who else but Derpy could have the whole town after her in such a mess?" she joked. "Do ya got my new alarm clock in there, Santa? Wouldn't you believe this one's almost done for. They last for freakin' ever, right?"

Rainbow Dash's actual alarm clock was at the bottom of the cloud she sat on, entangled in the very fabric of the cloud, however weak of an entrapment that was. When she moved around and stretched her legs, her nap having been interrupted, it became loose and fell straight at Pumpkin Cake, who pooffed to the side and held herself airborne magically. Pumpkin Cake, who was sitting at the top of the bag, levitated himself up, and reached to open the bag, and Dash's alarm clock fell straight in.

Rainbow Dash awaited a joke of an answer from Derpy and the children as she watched them ascend even more, but disregarding their avail,they suddenly began to fall downwards. Derpy took a second to wave at the Pegasus before she grabbed hold of the cloud and plucked it straight down with her, putting a fraction of it one her face like a mustache. Pumpkin stayed still in the air for a while, giggling at Rainbow Dash's astoundingly goofy face, as she now was forced to use her wings to stay in the air.

"Whoa!" Rainbow Dash grabbed the child and covered her as she sped down toward the encumbered Pegasus. "You're one badass Unicorn-baby-thing! But you wanna see something even more awesome??" The speed of her flight increased.

Derpy and Rainbow Dash crashed onto the roof of Carousel Boutique and broke through with no trouble. The multi-colored Pegasus ended up at the bottom of the rubble, and the Cake children sat to the side of it all, staring in awe at Derpy's reapings, spilled all across the floor.

And Rarity, flabbergasted as she was, screamed in absolute terror.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Derpy emerged from the rubble, shaking her head and revealed her sweaty face as her pillowcase mask flew off and onto Rarity's, glasses included.

Then, Sweetie Belle entered the room and screamed in absolute surprise.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

She then attacked the enormous pool of candy that Derpy had spilled, as did the Cake children. Then, she spotted a group of ponies at the front door through the window. "Rarity! There's Trick-or-Treaters at the door! And. . . holy crud, there's a bunch of them!"

Rarity sighed, already peeved enough. "Uuugh, can't you tend to them, dear??"

"Nope!" SweetieBelle dove straight down into the mountain of sweets. Derpy followed happily after she did. "And don't give them any candy! Make sure they don't see it, either!"

"Oh my. . . Ugh, I might as well. . ." 'Peeved' clearly wasn't the right word; she was indignant, already frustrated enough as it was. She paid no mind to the costume Derpy threw onto her face. The cross-eyed mare was sure glad she found a hiding place, deep within the mountain of candy. They both watched Rarity storm her way to the front door, muttering many obscenities.

"CANDY MOUNTAIN!" Sweetie screamed, for all the world to hear. "CANDY MOOUUTAAAIIINNN, DERPY!!"

Once Rarity opened the door, she was met with about fifty different faces, not counting all the little ones. They were all glaring at her and the costume they had so swiftly grown to hate. Rarity smiled awkwardly, but she was the only one who didn't notice that she had Granny Smith's teeth lining her smile.

"Aaah, what is it...friends?"

"F-fffat's fa one!!" barked the elder, no teeth to help in her speech. Rarity even noticed Zecora in the crowd, angry like the rest of them.

"You're doomed."

Big Macintosh, at the front if the pack, grabbed a loose end of the purple sheet and took Rarity along with it. Then, they all carried her off to the distance. Since the mob was comprised of the entire town's residents, and the Zebra from the forest, no one paid heed to her whines, her complaints, or her screams of bloody murder.

Meanwhile, Inside the Boutique, Sweetie Belle asked Derpy a singular question, after both of them had popped up from the sweet sweet surface. Her eyes retained their enormous size as she awaited a response:

"What were you for Nightmare Night," she dove back under once again, chewing peanut butter-mocha toffee. "to get all of this??"

Derpy dimwittetly shrugged.