My name's James, and I'm a Metagross. After being woken up from my oh-so comfortable hibernation by one of Princess Celestia's messengers, I'm put in charge of rounding up dangerous and terrifying Legendaries.
Hello there. My name's James, and I'm a Metagross.
Yes. A Metagross. As in, the Pokemon.
Myself and five other acquaintances with varying degrees of friendship appeared here in Equestria quite some time ago, having all been transformed into Pokemon for some hereto unknown reason. The process of our reuniting was difficult, and we didn't get a happy ending, but we went our separate ways as friends brought together through extenuating circumstances.
Now, after being woken up from my oh-so comfortable hibernation by one of Princess Celestia's messengers, I find out that there's new, terrifying creatures terrorizing Equestria and even some of the lands beyond. By some of their descriptions, I have an inkling of what they might be.
Guess who's put in charge of cleaning up the mess.
Sigh.
Time to get the gang back together again.
This is a direct sequel to the story A Pokemon Problem. It is highly recommended, albeit not necessary to read that in order to understand this story.
I stood at the top of the plateau that I had called home for the past fifty-or-so years, gazing off into the distance. Where the clouds broke, I could see the rolling farmland of the Unicorn Range that stretched infinitely into the horizon, with the colourful rainbow waterfalls of Cloudsdale shining overtop. I peered over the edge, and saw the city of Canterlot jutting from the mountainside like a tick—a majestic, royal tick, if that made my analogy any better.
To the untrained eye, it appeared that I was standing there placidly, not particularly invested in the view, and not doing anything important. While the two formers were true (a view stops being breathtaking after the hundredth time), the latter was most certainly not. My mind was operating a mile a minute, with ideas, concerns, emotions, questions, answers, and plans being thought and mulled over at a speed considered frightful by anyone who didn't know how to catalogue them properly.
Being a Metagross certainly had its ups and downs, but the biggest advantages by far were the ones occurring beneath the hood, so to speak. I had the processing power of a top-of-the-line computer, and numerous Psychic abilities that were useful in a myriad of different way. Unfortunately, the piercing headaches that I received as both a Beldum and Metang were still present and annoying, but hey, that was an acceptable price tag.
I sighed heavily, despite not actually having lungs by which to do so. The scroll I received from the messenger now huffing her way back to Canterlot was a direct summoning from Celestia herself, and it wouldn't do to keep her waiting. Still, I could always pull the 'I'm old' card, even though I wasn't subject to any of the aches, pains, and general loss of cognitive capacity that comes with being a few centuries old...
... Ah, screw it. Hibernation was quite appealing, but I was awake for the first time in fifty-six years, if my internal clock was still functioning correctly, and I felt the need to do something.
I needed... adventure.
With a groan befitting the one-ton behemoth that I was, I launched myself into the air and over the edge of the mountain top, folding my legs as I did so. I dropped like a stone and gained momentum at a rapid pace, with the air rushing by at a frightful speed. The tallest spires of Canterlot grew increasingly larger with every passing second.
When I was but a few seconds away from impact, I engaged my floating capabilities with an effort of will, halting my progression almost immediately. Had I been something squishier, the sudden cessation of speed would've probably broken several bones and given, but being almost entirely metal, I didn't feel a thing.
I scanned the city below me. Ponies the size of ants hustled and bustled to-and-fro through the city streets, most of which were too pre-occupied to look up. I could hear the worried and panicked cries of the few that did.
If I could change the grumpy expression permanently etched into my face/body, I might've smiled. For some reason, being able to literally crush ponies but choosing not to was strangely satisfying. Must be some sort of power trip-type thing.
With a mental shrug, I flew towards the Royal Castle.
/\/\/
Canterlot may have grown and changed, but the Royal Castle remained unmodified since time immemorial—or at least, for as long as I could remember. I guess white marble never truly goes out of style.
I landed in the open courtyard, a dust ring expanding outward when I placed all four limbs onto the ground. I looked up at the guards standing in front of the entrance, which sat at the top of a small staircase. To their credit, I only saw one pony's eyes widen in fear. That was half the normal amount.
"Can I come in?" I asked.
The visibly shaken one became even more so. "I can't do that," replied his partner, swallowing nervously, but otherwise as blank-faced as a stone. "Only visitors bearing the royal seal can enter. If you have a complaint, you'll have to wait until tomorrow's Day Court."
Damnit. I knew I should've brought that bloody scroll with me...
I sighed, a sound akin to metal being crushed by a trash compactor. "Let me speak to your Guard Captain. I'm expected by Princess Celestia, and I'd hate to keep her waiting."
The straight-faced guard narrowed his eyes. After a couple seconds of deliberation, he nodded and muttered to the wide-eyed guard, "Go get the Captain. If you hear me scream, go to the barracks instead and raise the Guard. I don't think this thing means trouble, but one can never be too sure." The other guard was gone before the first's murmurings faded away.
Sometimes, it was nice to have incredibly amplified hearing.
"As a matter of fact, I don't mean trouble. I may look like an angry, floating tank, but I'm actually a pretty nice guy when you get through my rough exterior."
The guard blinked in complete confusion, and didn't say anything.
"Never mind," I muttered.
The rest of the time spent waiting went by in complete silence, with the guard thinking about how much he was going to enjoy his retirement, and with me twiddling my metaphorical thumbs.
What? I only listen to a pony's thoughts when it's absolutely necessary, or when I'm bored. And I was bored. Sue me.
When the nervous guard came back with the Guard Captain, I would've done a spit take had I been drinking a liquid. Lo-and-behold, it was none other than Shining Armor.
I guess I should've expected that I would eventually find the correct time period, but to be completely honest, I had given up that hope when I first realized I was stuck in a much younger Equestria. Now that I was finally in the right time, after all these years... I didn't know what to do. Might as well keep my knowledge a secret; it would be weird if I called him by his full name the first time we met.
"When you first described the size, I thought you were exaggerating, Corporal Pauldron," Shining Armour mused after doing a double take. "I see now that's not the case." Turning to me, he said, "I take it that you're the emissary Princess Celestia was speaking of."
"You would be correct in your assumption," I replied evenly. "Do I have your permission to enter?"
Shining Armour nodded. "Yes, but..."
I raised a metallic eyebrow. "But...?"
"I'm pretty sure you can't fit through the door. Is there another entrance you can—?"
"Yeah. I'll use the Garden entrance." There was another reason for me using the Royal Garden entrance, but Shining didn't need to know that. There was an old... acquaintance that I wanted to see before I met with Celestia.
"Good. I'll meet you there," he replied.
I launched myself into the air, folding my legs together in the process. If Shining Armour was surprised, he didn't show it.
Drifting towards the Garden, I wondered what I would say to my old acquaintance. After all, it had been over a hundred years since I last spoke with Discord.
"Personally," Discord began, "I think that Bidoof is the best Pokemon. No offense to you, my dear Metagross, but I'd much rather have one of those adorable little things as a pet than you or one of your evolutionary relatives."
I sighed. With Discord, you never knew what answer you'd get. "A Bid—are you mad? Actually, don't answer that: I already know the answer."
I grunted and shifted a single dextrous leg, dispelling a curious raven who let out a startled caw. Through the bird's limited intelligence, I could discern that it was genuinely surprised that I moved; it thought I was a statue.
"Honestly, I don't know why I even bother discussing these things with you, Discord," I continued.
"Me neither." I heard Discord laugh internally. "You'd think you'd learn after the first time, or maybe even the fifth time conversing with me, but no. Why do you keep coming back, anyway? Is there really nothing better for you to do than listen to a mad god's tales?"
Why did I keep coming back? I wasn't entirely sure of the answer myself. Maybe it was because Discord was one of the few things that never changed, and I could always rely on him to surprise me, no matter the subject.
Heck, maybe I just liked the sound of his voice. If I had the choice between having my life narrated by Discord or Morgan Freeman, it would be close, but I'd have to go with Discord.
"I'm not entirely sure," I answered honestly. "Anyway, how have things been in—" I looked around at all the statues, "—Medusa's lair?"
Discord shrugged mentally. "Can't complain. I'm getting a bit sick of the ravens using me as a perching post, but it's better than them using me as a toilet. Oh, and I escaped a little while ago—or was it a long while ago—or has it happened yet? Hard to say: time may or may not be cyclical when encased in stone."
I was just about to ask him which it was, but I decided against it: I probably wouldn't have received a straight answer anyway.
"And how was your brief escapade, then?" I asked. "Make any new friends?"
I saw a mental image of Discord stroking his magnificent beard in thought. "I may have," he responded cryptically. "Only time will tell. Actually, speaking of time, you're running out of it: you should probably do what you're supposed to be doing. Thanks for stopping by, though: I appreciate the company, even though you're about as interesting as a sack of potatoes."
I shook my head slightly. "Really? Comparing me to a potato sack? That's low, even for you. What do you have against potatoes, anyway? Or is it the cloth sacks?"
"Potatoes in general," Discord clarified, even though what we were discussing still made zero sense. "Ever since one of those ground apples stole my wallet, I have held a severe distaste for them. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't forgive a grudge that easily."
I had nothing more to say about that.
"I think I'll leave our conversation right there."
"Don't let me keep you from saving the world. Toodle-oo, Paul. Talk to you in another century or so?"
"We'll see. And it's James."
"Whatever you say, Ringo. Remember to watch out for the young ones: they bite."
I shook my head took a few steps, breaking the mental connection that I shared with Discord. Sometimes, it was better not to ask.
After flexing my claws to get the proverbial blood flowing, I made my way to a small clearing in the Garden and took to the air. The large, nearby doors leading to the Castle were big enough to fit my hulking frame, but the staircase below would crack if I put the entirety of my weight upon it. The same went for the rest of the interior. Marble never went out of style, but it wasn't the strongest substance around. I learned that the hard way.
I drifted lazily through the door, glad for all the years of practice I had. I'd come a long way since face-planting into the ground whenever I tried to levitate. Strangely, Shining Armour was nowhere to be seen, and the hallway was eerily empty.
Had I spoken to Discord for too long? No, that couldn't be it, because I doubt Shining wouldn't search the nearby Gardens, and if he did, he would've found me easily.
The problem with telepathy is that, depending on the level of connectivity between the two recipients, the conversations that occurred either be processed slower than Wal-Mart dial-up, or quite literally at the speed of thought.
As if to answer my question, I heard the tell-tale clip-clop of hoofsteps come from the corridor to my right. It took a few seconds more for Shining Armour to round the corner and head in my direction.
I guess that meant Discord and I were quite mentally compatible. I wasn't sure whether to be thrilled or terrified at the prospect. Probably terrified. Terrified seemed to be the correct choice.
While I waited for Shining Armour to approach, I thought back to the last time I had been in the Royal Castle.
Whether it was by chance or coincidence, the last time I was here happened to fall on the day that there was a school trip. Imagine my surprise when, as I'm in the middle of an engaging conversation with Discord about waffles, an entire pack of foals start using me as a freakin' jungle gym! The worst part was that I couldn't do anything the little buggers off, since I wasn't allowed to scare children anymore (long story; don't ask). Eventually, the field trip moved onwards, leaving me free from their abusive little hooves.
The part that got me the most was when the teacher, a unicorn, looked back at me and winked, like she knew I pretended to be a statue the entire time. Bloody ponies.
Lost in a memory, I almost forgot to respond when Shining Armour closed the gap between us and asked, "Shall we?"
I nodded, focusing back on the present. "Lead the way," I said, neglecting to mention that I probably knew the route better than he did.
"Here we are," Shining Armour said as we approached a door indistinguishable from any of the other hundred or so. I learned quite a while ago that hiding in plain sight was often the best protection.
"So we are," I replied. "Mind knocking for me? I'm a bit preoccupied with not making the floor look like a mosaic..."
Shining Armour glanced at my levitating form, then shook his head to hide the grin that appeared. He raised a hoof to knock, but a voice rang out from inside before it made contact with the door.
"Come in," the voice said as the door was opened magically from the inside.
The Royal Office was nicely decorated, but it appeared to have been toned down since I was last here. The incredibly plush, bright red with golden embroidery, swamp of a carpet was replaced with a much less offensive blue one. The magnificent silk curtains were now mere cloth, and even the massive, mahogany desk was downgraded to a smaller, oaken version. Two alicorns, one white and one blue, were sitting at the ends of said table, drinking what appeared to be tea. Shining Armour immediately bowed.
"Princess Celestia; Princess Luna," he acknowledged. "The emissary is here."
Celestia smiled and took a sip from her cup. "I gathered," she said cheekily. "Thank you for directing him here, Guard Captain. That will be all," she concluded, dismissing Shining. He nodded, bowed again, then began walking back in the direction we had come.
When he was a bit further down, I hovered to the right enough that I could look into the room with both eyes, rather than just one.
"Are you just going to sit there, or are you going to—" I began, but my words were cut off when Celestia's horn flashed and I felt everything shift around me. Suddenly, I was a few feet further from the door, now actually inside the room. A wave of vertigo hit me like a brick.
"—teleport me inside, as I can't fit through the door," I finished lamely, vision swimming. When the sensation subsided, I tilted my torso in the direction of the princesses. "Good afternoon Princess Celestia... and Princess Luna. Good to see you back in the land of the ponies."
Luna seemed almost taken aback that I knew who she was, but she quickly hid it with a mostly differential mask. "We have not yet met. Thou art James, we—I," she corrected automatically, "presume?"
I nodded, silently snickering at her archaic accent. "You would be correct, princess. It's nice to finally meet you."
Luna placed her hovering cup down on the table and offered her hoof, presumably for the customary hoofshake. I stared at her foreleg wryly.
"I'd shake, but if I uncurl one of my legs to do so, I'd land onto the nice carpet and crush the marble beneath. Pretty bad design flaw, I know—it's like they weren't even thinking when they designed me."
A perplexed look broke free of Luna's mask, and she hesitantly withdrew her foreleg.
Well, so much for humour. I never was proficient at making good first impressions.
"Never mind," I sighed. I hovered a little more to the right in an attempt to center myself along the side of the table. I stuck out on both sides, but at least I tried. "So," I began. "What's got you so riled up that you needed me out of hibernation to fix it? And why was it important enough to not be included on the scroll?"
Celestia's horn flashed briefly. A moment later, a translucent gold sphere expanded from her horn, growing large enough to encase the three of us. As soon as the edge of the sphere had passed through me entirely, I felt my hearing shift. It felt like I was underwater, with sounds strangely distorted, but still understandable.
I recognized the globe's purpose: it was a noise-cancelling spell, and it made certain that we wouldn't be overheard.
"You really don't want whatever this problem is to become common knowledge, do you?" I commented.
Celestia nodded, and let out a pent-up sigh. "The locations already affected are suffering from mass hysteria. I can't risk any outside forces getting a hold of this information, for fear of the panic spreading."
That got my attention.
"Whoa there, slow down a second: just what are these 'affected locations,' and why are they—well, affected?"
Celestia sighed again, and it was then that I noticed the bags under her eyes. She looked like she hadn't had a wink of sleep in several days. "A series of tears between our dimension and another are occurring. I know not what the cause of these tears is, but that's not even our biggest problem."
Luna glanced at Celestia, who nodded subtlety in response.
"There have been reports of fantastic and extraordinary creatures harassing, tormenting, and in one case, killing our citizens that live in the outermost cities of Equestria," Luna explained solemnly. "The descriptions of the creatures vary indiscriminately, from large, dog-like creatures that control the elements to ones that seem to be made of living shadow."
If I had an esophagus, I would've gulped nervously. Those sounded a lot like—
"James," Celestia began before I could say anything, "do any of these creatures match the descriptions of other beings like yourself? Other... Pokemon?"
Ah crap. I knew there had to be a reason why it was me she chose rather than, say, a contingent of the Royal Guard.
"Yeah," I muttered, mind errant with hypotheses. This was bad; real bad. "Those descriptions match some Pokemon all right. Unfortunately, those Pokemon happen to be among the most powerful there are. I doubt that I'd stand much of a fight against one, let alone as many as you think are running amok."
Princess Celestia smiled grimly. "I'm well aware of that, which is why I'm not asking just you to handle this."
I felt a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"I take it you're referring to the rest of the people who're trapped here, too. Right?"
Celestia tilted her head slightly. "Whatever happened to calling them 'friends?'"
I snorted. "A lot can change in three-hundred years, princess. Even if I knew where the ones who can still walk are, that doesn't mean that they'll join my solitary quest at my behest."
"I'm well aware of that as well, James, which is why I'm sending my personal student, as well as five of her friends, to aid complete this task—with or without you."
I floated there in stunned silence for what felt like hours while I picked my jaw up and reattached it to my torso. "Your—?!"
"My student, yes," Celestia said. She smiled. "Protégé is more accurate, however. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and she has proven herself capable in all kinds of situations; their combined ingenuity is truly a sight to behold."
I reeled inwardly, with emotions overriding each other for the dominant position on a quarter-second basis. I was simultaneously ecstatic for having finally found the right time period, worried about Twilight and Co.'s safety (Legendaries were no joke), and depressed that, if we all survived this borderline invasion, I would be forced to watch as they slowly withered and faded to dust around me. Maybe, with a little help from someone more persuasive than me, I could convince them to go into stasis like—
With an effort of willpower, I channelled my inner ability of Clear Body and wiped away thoughts of the future, leaving only the ones of the past and present to worry about. There was more than enough to keep my mind working overtime; I didn't need to add any unnecessary weight to it right now.
Alright. Let's start with the most important matter, first.
I motioned towards an empty tea cup. "Mind if I have a cup?" I asked.
Celestia and Luna shared a look. "Can thou consume the tea without any adverse effects?" questioned Luna.
I did my best impersonation of a shrug, which made my body tilt like I was doing a full-body wave. "I can't say that I've had tea in the last three-hundred years, but there's very little that I can't digest. If I'm capable of eating a small mountain and everything on it with no ill effects, then I'm pretty sure I can stomach a little flavoured water."
I neglected to mention that I meant everything on it—including animals. What the princesses didn't know didn't hurt them.
Princess Luna wordlessly filled up the cup with her telekinesis. She began to float the mug towards me, but I took over before it was half way. I felt her magical aura resist my Psychic presence briefly before realizing that it came from me. It dissipated into nothing.
"That was... not magic," Luna stated in an almost worried tone.
"Nope," I replied as I tossed the tea, cup and all, into my mouth. I swished the tea around. While everything else seemed to taste different as a Metagross (iron tasting like chocolate-covered steak was probably the strangest), tea still tasted like tea. Earl Grey, to be exact. Weird.
"I'm Psychic, which is like having very specific, very situational magic abilities," I explained, my sharp fangs and powerful molars crushing the porcelain teacup into a fine powder. It tasted like marshmallows. "Except for the Telekinesis," I added. "That's useful all the time."
Luna shook her head slowly. "Thou art a very strange individual," she said. Celestia cracked a smile, and hid behind her raised mug.
I swallowed the remains of the cup. "So I've been told." I turned to Celestia. "Anyway, about this student of yours and her friends: You're not confident in sending them out on their own, are you?" I asked, already knowing the answer. "If you were, you wouldn't have needed me, yet here I am..."
Celestia was silent for a few seconds while she poured herself another cup. "I like to think of it as taking extra precautions," she finally answered. "I believe that together, if push comes to shove, they would be powerful enough to combat the invaders. With your help, however... I would know, rather than believe. Even if you are unable to make contact with your old friends, your presence alone would give me peace of mind."
And here I was thinking that Celestia saw me as nothing more than an occasional acquaintance.
"That's... quite the compliment, princess. I didn't know you had that much faith in me."
Something twinkled in Celestia's eye. She opened her mouth to say something, but right before could, a series of loud taps came from the window behind her head. Celestia closed her mouth and frowned, opening the curtain with a touch of magic.
A bright red and orange phoenix was perched on the windowsill, somehow looking indignant. The phoenix tapped on the window again, as if to make a point that we were in here, and she was out there.
Celestia stood up and lowered her head so she was eye-to-eye with the firebird. "Philomena, I already told you to use the door like everypony else!" she chastised without opening the window. "And stop that infernal tapping!"
Philomena narrowed her eyes, but she didn't move otherwise. Celestia rolled hers, and opened the window. With a disgruntled caw, Philomena pecked the glass once more and swooped into the room before Celestia could do anything about it. Philomena landed on my torso. Suddenly, half of my vision was occupied entirely by the pesky phoenix.
"I don't know why Celestia has any faith in you," she teased. "After all, you nearly had us both killed when you stepped on that hydra's baby."
"Are you seriously still bringing that up? That happened over a hundred years ago! And besides: How was I supposed to know that baby hydras look almost identical to seaweed when they're lying on the ground? You certainly never told me!"
Philomena let out a sequence of high-pitched chirps, which was her version of a cackle. "It's good to see you again, James."
"Likewise, Philomena."
Celestia sat back down at her spot at the table, tongue-in-cheek. "You two are like foals on a first date."
"I resent that." Philomena scratched my torso with a claw and squawked. "Yes, dear," I said sarcastically. I got clawed again for my effort.
Turning to Celestia, I asked, "When will Twilight Sparkle and her friends arrive, exactly? I'd like to know how much time I've got before going off on this quest..."
Princess Celestia looked up at the clock. "The train should be arriving... five minutes ago."
"I'm torn between deciding whether the gathering of myself and your student was orchestrated so perfectly as to not leave any down time, or that it was rushed and everything fell into place coincidently." I snorted. "Either way, nicely done: controlled chaos is the most finicky, yet the most rewarding if pulled off correctly."
Celestia raised a majestic eyebrow. "Have you been conversing with Discord?" she asked.
I immediately felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Maybe," I answered, stretching out the middle of the word. Upon seeing Celestia and Luna's concerned expressions, I added, "Should I not have been?"
"That depends on what you two discussed, James. Discord hasn't tried to coerce you into freeing him, has he?"
I shook my body in a negative. "Not once. I stop by every once in a blue moon to have a little chat, but he's never asked for or even referenced his freedom. Today was the first time he mentioned it, saying that he escaped a short while ago. Or something. Hard to say with Discord."
"Then there is no reason why you should not be able to speak him," said Celestia. "There is great knowledge to be found in Discord's demented mind, but only if you are willing to delve deep enough into the madness to find it. Older beings than yourself have been driven insane simply by bridging a mental connection with Discord, let alone trying to peer into the inner machinations of his psyche. Promise me you'll show the utmost care in communicating with him."
"I promise," I quickly replied, having gained a whole new level of weariness for Discord. If he was truly that dangerous, then why hadn't I been reduced to a gibbering pile of smoking electronics? I seriously doubted that the reason my mind was more resilient to Discord's influence happened to be chance. "So," I began, changing topics slightly, "did Discord actually escape, or was he just being Discord?"
"He did escape not a month ago," Luna answered. "The only reason he is not free and wreaking havoc at this very moment is due to Twilight and the Elements of Harmony." Luna paused. "Dost thou know of the Elements and what they represent?"
Even though I knew practically all there was to know, I didn't want to reveal that fact quite yet. "No," I lied. "Do enlighten me."
/\/\/
By the time Celestia and Luna had finished discussing the exact implications of what the Elements of Harmony did and why Twilight Sparkle and Co. were currently in possession of them, I could hear the latter's hoofsteps thundering down the hallway.
This was going to be interesting.
"They're here," I announced a few seconds before a knock-knock came from the door.
"How did you know that?" Celestia whispered to me before raising her voice and saying, "Come in!"
"I may not have ears, but that doesn't mean my hearing capabilities aren't up to snuff," I replied. "If you listen closely, you'll hear the curse of a waiter that just dropped an expensive-sounding glass."
As the door opened, an unprintable swear word echoed down the hallway.
"See?"
"Know-it-all," ribbed Philomena.
"Oh, be quiet, you..."
"Princess Celestia, what's—?"
I stopped my cross-eyed glaring at the phoenix perched on my torso and turned to see several familiar ponies looking at me with confusion, surprise, and in one case, undisguised fear.
"Twilight Sparkle," Celestia addressed warmly. She turned to Shining Armour, who was waiting outside the door. "Thank you again, Guard Captain. You may return to your duties." Shining nodded and closed the door. "Please be seated, everypony," she continued, motioning to the table. "We have much to discuss."
"Okay, I know this is probably really rude, but I'm just going to say it anyway because it looks like nobody else will," said Rainbow Dash. "What the hay is that thing?" Obviously, she was referring to me.
"'That thing' has feelings, y'know," I responded, doing my best to sound emotionally hurt. "My name is James, and I'm a Metagross."
Their reactions were so good that I wished I had a built-in camera.
Twilight had a look of pure disbelief even as she took a step closer to get a better look; Applejack muttered, "Ah must be seein' things," as she rubbed her eyes with her hooves; Fluttershy cowered behind Rainbow Dash and peeked out with only her eyes up visible; Rarity said something along the lines of my colour scheme being not as good as it could've been; Rainbow Dash was slack-jawed in disbelief; and Pinkie Pie broke out into a smile so wide that I was afraid it would eclipse her head.
At once, I was bombarded with more questions than Berlin was with bombs during the Second World War.
I sent Celestia a 'please help me' look. Luna smiled and sipped her tea like nothing was out of the ordinary.
"I can see that there are burning questions that you all want answered; I understand that," Celestia said. "I advise everypony to save your questions until after our meeting, as there is a chance that I will answer them myself during the process of explaining why you are all here today. Now please, sit so we can begin with the debriefing. James, if you would be so kind as to slide over to make some room..."
Keeping their questions under lock and key for the moment, the ponies took their seats at the oaken table, with half of me sticking off to the side to make room. Rainbow Dash and Twilight looked the most disconcerted, as they were the ones unlucky enough to be forced to sit beside me. Across the table, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack fidgeted uncomfortably while Pinkie Pie vibrated in barely held excitement.
While Celestia and Luna began the lengthy process of explaining everything that she had already told me, I tried to listen in to the newcomer's thoughts (don't judge me; you'd do the same if you had my ability). Strangely, all I could hear was an eerie static reminiscent of an old television set that was switched to an unbroadcasted channel. I thought that was strange, considering when I tried the same with the princesses, there was a complete absence of noise.
Must be yet another side-effect of bearing the Elements of Harmony. How many freakin' powers did those things provide?
When all was said and explained, Celestia finished by asking, "Are there any questions regarding what your quest is?"
No pony moved.
"Are there any questions for James?"
Every pony's hoof immediately shot up. I groaned inwardly. When Celestia nodded to me, I took that to mean that I had power over picking who's question to answer first. Deciding to get the insanity out of the way first, I chose Pinkie.
"Pinkie Pie. What's your question?" Please don't let me regret this...
The pink party pony sprung like a spring up and onto the table. She leaned close enough to warrant a warning nip from Philomena, who was still perched on top of me. After taking a massive breath like she was diving underwater, she asked simply, "Do you like cake?"
What was with Pinkie and cake? Actually, scratch that: I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't understand even if she told me.
"I... uh... haven't actually eaten any cake—"
Pinkie gasped as if I had turned into a velociraptor. "You've never had cake?!"
"Not that I can remember—"
"Then as soon as all these scary-sounding Pokemon are put back where they belong, I'm going to bake you the best cake that I possibly can! That's a Pinkie Pie Promise!" Pinkie exclaimed, striking a pose and raising a foreleg into the air to make her point. "Nopony should have to go three-hundred years without tasting the scrumptious fluffiness of cake!"
What the hell was I getting myself in to?
"Alright then. That's an... admirable goal to set." An idea came to me. Were my face capable of showing any emotions other than grumpy, I would've grinned cheekily. "Be sure to include lots of tungsten: it's my favourite."
Pinkie Pie nodded, saluted, and back flipped into her corresponding spot. She didn't seem fazed in the slightest by my odd ingredient request. Shaking off whatever it was that I had just borne witness to, I picked the next questioner randomly.
"Rarity. Question?"
"Oh, yes, well... I'm positive I'm not the only one wondering this, and I don't mean to be rude—" she shot a glance to Rainbow Dash, who stuck her tongue out in response, "—but how are you cognisant?"
I raised an eyebrow. "I'm afraid I don't quite follow."
Rarity coughed and cleared her throat. "Essentially, being cognisant means that you're aware of—"
"I know what it means," I interrupted. "I'm just wondering exactly what you meant by it, because if it was along the lines of how I'm perceptive of the world around me, then I could ask you the same question and I doubt that I'd receive a confident answer."
Rarity appeared to be flabbergasted; she opened and closed her mouth several times before finally finding her voice. "I—I apologise for not being clear enough. By asking how you're cognisant, I meant how you're... well, alive."
Ah. That made a lot more sense.
"What, never spoken with a floating hunk of metal before?" I asked sarcastically. "In all serious though, even I'm not sure how my body works. For all intents and purposes, I shouldn't be alive, but the fact that I'm here discussing it shows that I am very much animate. Even though I communicate with my mind and don't breathe, I do have a mouth and I do eat.
"Does that answer your question?"
Rarity swallowed and nodded.
"Good."
I noticed that Applejack and Fluttershy had put their hooves down; evidently, I had answered their questions at some point. Between the two hooves still held in the air, Twilight seemed the most desperate to have her question answered. She was stretching her right foreleg as high as it could go into air while supporting it with her left foreleg, like an elementary school student trying to get called on by the teacher.
I sighed. "Yes, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash harrumphed and put her hoof down.
"If both you and the creatures causing havoc are Pokemon, and you know—roughly—who they are, then can't you just ask them to leave?" she asked. "Or is there something I'm missing?"
I snorted. "I don't know if it works the same the way in Equestria, Twilight, but going up to someone that has the ability to literally turn you and everything you love into a pancake and asking them to politely stop what they're doing won't do your life-span any good."
Twilight coughed in surprise. "'Literally turn you into a pancake?' Just what in Tartarus are we dealing with here?!"
"From Princess Luna's descriptions, it seems to me like we're dealing with Legendary Pokemon, which happen to be the best of the best—or rather, the worst of the worst, considering we have to either sweet talk them into leaving or pummel them into submission," I said wryly. "They're called 'Legendaries' for good reason."
"Then how are we going to win?" Twilight asked in a quiet voice.
"The odds aren't all against us," I began, trying to instil some confidence. "I have some old friends that can help us turn the tide of battle, as well as a few wild cards that could either help or hinder, depending on their mood. That's not even taking into account that not all the Legendaries mean harm; I'm certain that some of them are just as, if not more so, eager as us to have them sent home. I can think of a few that might even help us."
"How can you know?"
"I just do."
"That doesn't make any sense!"
I laughed. "I'm a telepathic, levitating hunk of metal with the processing power of a supercomputer from another world. I've lived in the past, altered the present, and seen the future. Your argument is invalid."
