The First of a Thousand Nights to Come
"Day 365,
Happy Exile Anniversary to me! Amazing how the time flies here, but I suppose that's just the moon for you. The past year seems to have just passed me by. It feels like only yesterday I was at the peak of my Dark Powers, all Equestria quivering beneath my sovereign hoof. Then Celestia had to come in and ruin my fun, like she always does. She always had to show me up, be better than me in everything! I think it's almost ironic how she sent me here. I bet she couldn't have survived on the moon for the past year! I bet Little-Miss-Sunshine couldn't have survived even one day without a proper shower, a sugary pastry, or an entire company of royal guards fawning over her! Speaking of bathing, thank the stars that the air here is so thin, or I'd probably have died of my own unclean fetor months ago. If ever I return to Equestria, such a wrathful body odor will fill the air as there never was smelled before! Celestia will rue the day she deprived me of bathing facilities! But that is for the future to determine. For now, I will enjoy my private little celebration on this desolate rock."
The exiled Princess of the Night looked over the entry she had just etched into the face of the rock. A bit rough in spots, but that could hardly be helped. She had become quite skilled in this art over the past year. She looked out over the vast field of rocks, all covered in writing, and thought for a moment. She scrawled an addendum to her most recent entry.
"P.S. I may not be writing for a while as I am running out of rocks again. I will need to find more."
She stood back, satisfied with here completed work. "Indeed, we shall need more rocks to continue the chronicle of our trials here. No, Winston, that was not meant to be an insult. Forgive us if you took it to be so," she said, lifting up a medium boulder with a poorly-sketched smiley face and mustache. Its stoic face stared back at her, impassively.
"Thou knowest we hate it when you give us the silent treatment, Winston."
***
The exiled princess trotted along the lunar surface, an elevated skip in her stride. Her day was just beginning, and she had plans to make the most of it. As she crested a ridge, a large crater came into vision before her, filled with rocks, boxes, a few chairs, and other odds and ends.
"Ah, home sweet home!" she sighed, "Come, Winston, let us prepare to break our fast!"
Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks. Her head snapped around quick as a whip and she stared rage down upon her stony companion.
"DO NOT ADDRESS YOUR PRINCESS IN SUCH A TONE, UNGRATEFUL PEBBLE! WE ARE THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS, AND SHALL RAIN ETERNAL DAMNATION UPON THEE!"
In a wrathful display, she picked up the hapless stone and threw it across the full length of the crater.
"SEE WHAT PUNISHMENT AWAITS THOSE WHO DEFY MY COMMANDS!" she roared, the thin air reverberating with her voice. She briskly turned her back to the impudent rock, wishing the torments of Tartarus upon it.
"We shall not give any quarter for the defiant in our domain!"
Even as she spoke the words, they began to lose meaning in her mouth. An overwhelming loneliness overtook her like a cold wave. What had she done???
"WIINSTOOOON!!!"
Like lightning, the princess dashed across the crater to find where her friend had landed. "Where are you?? Mercy, please, where are you??? Call out if you can hear me! WINSTON!!"
She frantically kicked up dust and rubble, fearing that her one and only friend might be lost. She breathed a heavy sigh of relief when she saw the picture of a mustache etched on a half-buried rock. Jubilation filled her once more as she lifted the dusty Winston from the lunar rubble.
"My dear, dear Winston! Never again! Never again....." she sobbed happily, rocking the rock back and forth like a child. "I know I said I'd stop doing this after the fifteenth time, but allow me my guilty pleasures," she said, still hugging her precious Winston.
"And, no. We are not taking turns."
***
In the base of the crater, the exiled princess sat at the head of a large, flat rock, encircled by boulders of various sizes. Upon each was scrawled a different face or name, and the princess addressed each one in turn.
"We second Sir Sediment's sentiment," she proclaimed. "A mere ten hours of night is far too few. Our kingdom is a grand and beautiful one, and should not be restrained by the petty sun! Oh, and might we say that is a fine piece of head-wear thine has chosen today, Cleophus! It has the effect of bringing out one's natural color!"
She gestured to a small rock sitting atop a fairly rotund boulder sitting two seats to her left. The boulder quietly accepted the compliment.
"What think you, fair Winston?" She beamed radiantly at the mustachioed rock sitting at her right hoof. For no apparent reason, she began to laugh uproariously.
"Hahahaha! Indeed! Thine and us are of the same mind! Why not purge our eminent domain of day entirely?? 'Twas our scheme from the very beginning! The fools failed to see the brilliance of it. Fools all! Hahaha! Come! Join us, friends, in our triumphant laughter!"
For a few moments the crater echoed with the maniacal laughter of the princess while the odd boulders looking on in silent appreciation. The echoes began to fade and the princess wiped tears from her eyes.
"Speaking of fools, where is our Court Fool? Has she resigned herself for the evening? FOOL?? WHERE ARE YOU??"
From one of her boxes the princess procured a small boulder. On it was etched a grotesque excuse for a face and what appeared to be a crown. She dropped the boulder onto her council table with a thud.
"ENTERTAIN US, FOOL!" she commanded.
The rock sat adamantly in the middle of the table. The princess stared at it for several moments with every fiber of her being focused on it. Her eyelid twitched slightly.
"THOU HAST NOT ENTERTAINED US! SEE HOW ENTERTAINING THOU SHALT BE....IN EXILE!"
She leaped up onto the table and snatched the boulder up in her hooves. Violently, she flung the boulder over the edge of the crater, where it landed midst a growing pile of other boulders. She snorted as she breathed heavily through her nostrils, fire from her eyes and rage in her voice.
"ART THOU NOT ENTERTAINED??"
A blast of white light erupted from the middle of her stone table, sending the princess flying backwards, shrieking as she somersaulted through the air. She shot like a cannonball through a china shop, scattering lunar dust as she landed. When she had regained herself and cleared away the dust, she identified the culprit of the disturbance.
"Another 'care' package from my sweet, sweet, sister!" she said sarcastically as she eyed the new box which had materialized in the center of the table. Grumbling to herself, she began to root through the contents of the care package.
"Almonds, perfect! The only nut I am allergic to!" she said halfway between a laugh and a screech. "Another heartfelt letter I see: 'I'm sorry' this and 'forgive me' that....oh, and what's this? Something other than just water? Hard Apple Cider? My sister is so considerate!" She opened a bottle of the hard cider and downed it in a few mighty swigs.
"Don't judge me, Winston," she said heatedly, "it is my Exile Anniversary after all."
***
"Giant steps are what you take....*hic*....walking on the mooooon! I hope my legs don't *hic* break.......walking on the moooooon!"
A few hours and several bottles of hard cider later, the Princess of Darkness found herself having the celebration of the century, laughing crazily to the stars and singing like a choir of tone-deaf hippopotami with awful stomach aches. She twirled about with her precious Winston at her side, giggling as she poured cider over his indifferent stony head.
"Have a drink *hic* Winston! Hehe! And join me for the next line *hic* of the song!
We *hic* could walk for-ehhhhh-ver........walking on the moo*hic*ooon! WE COULD BE TO-GEHHHHHH-THER..........WALKING ON, WALKING OON THE MOOOOOON!*hic*"
The exiled princess cackled high and loud into the night sky. "Oh, such fun we are having here! Equestria, you are missing out! All this gaiety, the jovial frivolity, above all your heads, yet you never look up to see it!!!"
She attempted an acrobatic flip that she did not plan entirely through, and landed squarely on her head. Stars still reeling in her vision, she looked up to the globe of Equis, giggling like a filly.
"All you'd need to do is look up to see what a fun time it is! If you ever looked up, you'd see-" she stopped suddenly, an idea bursting into her head. A wicked grin appeared on her face as the thought gained clarity. How had this never occurred to her before? Ooohh yes, this would give them something to look at!
***
For Princess Celestia, raising the moon at night had become a painful affair. Each time its luminous face rose above the horizon, she only saw the suffering she had forced upon her sister. When she saw the beauty of that celestial orb, she saw her sister staring back at her.
"Why did you do this to me?"
"I had no choice, Little Sister," she'd reply with tears in her eyes.
Celestia sighed heavily at the prospect of her nightly torment. She did not know how many more years she could let this go on, knowing that she was the cause of her sister's suffering. She hoped the letters she had sent with her care packages would touch her misguided sister, somehow. Wearily, she rose to the tower to complete her nightly task, each step feeling heavier than the last.
"I suppose we must both bear crosses, sister. I hope that is some consolation for what I have forced upon you."
With strength of will, she sent forth her influence to raise the moon, that object of so much pain. It's silver light appeared as a sliver over the distant horizon.
"Please, don't look at me like that tonight, sister," she said closing her eyes. She shuddered when she felt the light of the full moon piercing through her eyelids, as if to reach for her soul. With a final sigh she opened them to face her torment.
She froze stock still at the sight before her. Etched across the surface of the moon were three gargantuan words:
"KISS MY FLANK"
Her eyelid twitched involuntarily.
"You know, a thousand years seems just about right."