What is the secret story behind the most legendary pony wizard of all time?
History teaches us that Star Swirl The Bearded was one of the greatest unicorn mages ever to have lived. But history is notoriously fickle. Was Star Swirl really the stallion everyone thinks he was? What was the secret of his beard? What the heck was the amniomorphic spell? Discover the truth about Star Swirl, and the greatest con in Equestrian history...
It had not stopped snowing for five years. The snow continued to fall in a never-ending flurry, flakes whirling in circles in the grey sky before settling in huge drifts that blanketed the Lonely Mountains. It was almost beautiful, Clover thought to herself, as she struggled unsteadily through the mounds of snow that blocked her path. Almost beautiful, if it weren’t so painfully cold. The surroundings had lost any semblance of clarity, causing her to stumble forward on the heels of her companion, keeping the faith that the next step wouldn’t plunge her off an icy precipice to her certain doom.
It had not stopped snowing for years. The land was cold, dead and grey, and it felt like that was the way it had always been. Little foals in the schools grew up hearing stories about something called ‘sun’ and ‘rain’, never quite understanding the concepts. But once, she knew, it had not been that way. Once, the sun had shone. Once –
Her train of thought was broken by an enthusiastic shout from in front of her. Blinking the chilling snow particles from her eyes, she almost barrelled into the rear end of the pony in front who had stopped suddenly in excitement. Her companion bounced up and down slightly, the myriad layers of cloth and satchels that covered her body causing her to look like an animated shop floor. Albeit one covered in snow.
“It’s there Clover, there! Look!” Coconut the Curious could not contain herself as she turned to Clover. There was a gleam in her eye that Clover recognised. The gleam of youthful exuberance, unsullied by age and experience, which she remembered in herself so long ago. Had it really been only five years? “You were right Clover!”
Clover strained to peer through the white shroud that continually obscured her vision, flaring a slight amount of light from her horn to help her peer through the gloom. At first there was nothing, just a whiteness against the never-ending snowstorm, but then in the distance, deep in a valley that nested between two mighty mountainous spires, she saw it.
A small wooden cabin, barely visible against the snow that enveloped it.
Coconut started to scramble down the mountainside, slipping and sliding and whooping with exhilaration until she lost her footing and catapulted head over hoof off a ledge.
“Coconut!” Clover shouted out as she scrambled after her young assistant, almost choking as the snow invaded her mouth as she spoke. “You stupid stupid…” She trailed off as she looked over the ledge, to see Coconut only a metre beneath her lying sprawled dazedly on a snowdrift, her baggage scattered around her, her white body almost invisible in the snow.
Coconut gave an unsteady grin as she clambered to her hooves, her horn glowing with magic as she picked her belongings up and once more wrapped her body in her warm blankets. “I know what I’m doing!” she chirped unconvincingly. “’sides, I’m with Clover the Clever, the one and only apprentice of the great Star Swirl the Bearded! What could possibly happen to me?”
“You could have broken your neck,” Clover carefully made her way down the slippery ice towards Coconut, tutting as she dusted the snow from her coat. “Or run straight into a pack of yeti. Or snowponies.” At this, Coconut gave an audible shiver. They had seen the telltale signs of snowponies only yesterday, huge grooves ploughed through the snowy tundra. It was said that many an unwary pony had been snatched by their twiglike hooves, and all the warning they ever got was the briefest glimpse of coal-black eyes.
“We’ll be safe when we get to the house though!” Coconut exclaimed, regaining her earlier vigour and immediately scooting down the snowy mountainside to the building below. “There’s bound to be all sorts of magical protections around it, isn’t there? I mean, it is the place, right? That’s where Star Swirl used to live before he came to Unicornia?”
She paused in her decent, looking back at Clover expectantly. Clover paused, shivering in the snow, before nodding slowly. “Yes. I mean… I think so. This is where all my research has led me.”
If Coconut saw any sign of hesitation in Clover, she didn’t show it, instead continuing to bound down the slope, bobbing happily down into that frozen valley. “Imagine, all that history! There’s so much about your old mentor we just don’t know! Maybe there’ll be mysterious items of power left there! Maybe even copies of his secret spell books! They never found what happened to them did they Clover? You know, after he…” she started to trail off as she realised Clover was not replying. Perhaps she’d gone too far. But like her descent, she could not stop the momentum of her dialogue. “…died.”
There was silence on that mountainside then, only the howling of the wind and crashing of avalanches in the distance as the two made their way to the cabin. After a while, Coconut turned back to Clover. “…I mean, that is what you’re looking for, right?”
“I…” Clover trailed off as they reached the cabin, a strange feeling of trepidation overcoming her as she stumbled across the valley floor to stand silently in front of the old wooden building. The snow had piled high around the walls, and the windows were almost opaque with grime. “I guess I just want some answers” she finally stated with a slight waver in her voice.
“You bet!” Coconut was by her side, hooves tapping and then straining to push the door open. With a sudden creak it snapped open, causing a flurry of snow to pile into the dark interior. “Look at that!” she breathed, her horn glowing softly, illuminating the simple insides. “This is where the greatest ever unicorn lived! It doesn’t look much, but I bet he even created the amniomorphic spell here! Such history!” Eyes twinkling with anticipation, she stepped in.
Clover just continued to stand in the open doorway, the snow pelting at her coat as she stared at the threshold as if it were some invisible barrier. Finally she followed her young friend inside. “Thank you Coconut” she said softly. “I couldn’t have got this far without you. But please…”
Coconut paused from rummaging around in a cupboard, finding only old pots, utensils and various cheap knick-knacks and staring at them in confusion. “Ah, I’m sorry,” she coughed sheepishly. “It’s just… I’ve read all the books and seen all the plays, but there’s still so little we know about Star Swirl. The things we could learn from his undiscovered works! That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? His legacy?”
Placing a pan carefully back where she found it, Coconut smiled. “I never met him but he was my inspiration, you know? Why I wanted to concentrate on magical studies. I still remember my mother holding me tight all those years ago on that terrible night and telling me that it was okay, that Star Swirl would save us." Her voice became softer. "The awful sound of the Demogorgon as he rode out to face it alone.” She shuddered. “I’m sorry.”
Clover slowly sat down on the cold wooden floor, the old boards creaking under her weight. It had been five years since it happened, five long years before she had discovered the location of Star Swirl’s original home, but she knew the moment she had stepped through the door that whatever she had expected to find wasn’t there. Nothing that would make the pain go away or help her to understand. Just an ordinary abandoned house full of ordinary abandoned junk.
“They’ll write his stories for years to come,” she sighed. “But none of them will ever know the truth, Coconut. None of them will ever know the real Star Swirl. And I’ll never tell.”
The sharp tick-tock of a clock echoed from the far side of the room as the two unicorns sat in the house in silence, their quest at an unsatisfying end. Outside, the snow continued to fall.
Five years ago, the world was not a snowy wasteland. That same valley was once a balmy and pleasant green wilderness, surrounded by lush foliage of all shades, peaceful, quiet and serene. One midsummer’s day, a figure draped in a resplendent wizards cloak, large hat and puffy white beard had set out from that very same wooden cabin buried in the Lonely Mountains, pulling a cart laden high with all manner of mysterious objects.
It was a journey Star Swirl made often enough. The trail up the mountainside was long and treacherous and took all day to cross, but that was nothing compared to the dangers of the lawless plains, where all manner of bandits roamed free.
Star Swirl’s only companion on that long journey towards civilisation was the constant squeaking of the cart wheels as they threatened to spin off their axles and topple the precious cargo onto the ground. A hot summer’s day soon gave way into chilling night as the wizard finally descended the last of the mountainous ridges and made it onto the plains. The light faded quickly into a pitch black, leaving the pony feeling very alone. The daylight was needed to navigate the mountains though; in theory a flat plain could be crossed in the dark.
The inexperienced traveller would have tried to make camp. Star Swirl knew better. To stay in one place was sheer madness; keeping moving and getting across those plains quickly was the key to survival. Ahead like a distant jewel in the distance lay the safety of the town of Saddleworth. It was a small Earth Pony town, but an excellent place to ply one's wares, and a good stopping point before the rest of society. If Star Swirl’s luck held out, the journey would only take another hour.
It didn’t.
The first sign was a shattered carriage on the dirt track. Star Swirl’s eyes narrowed and teeth clenched as the pony continued onwards. You didn’t stop on the plains, not for anything. Highwayponies often set traps like this for the curious traveller, catching them unawares while trying to help out an imaginary victim, attacking when their guard was down.
The second sign that something was wrong were eyes, glinting in the darkness. This, Star Swirl knew, was not a good sign. Grinding the rickety cart to a halt in case a quick getaway was needed, Star Swirl peered into the gloom.
The eyes peered back at him and several shapes detached themselves from the shadows. Star Swirl gave an involuntary shudder. Goats. Powerful, fast and strong. Why did it have to be goats?
The leader stepped forwards, a sneer etched onto his thin, gaunt face as his companions started to encircle Star Swirl. “Well well well…” he jeered, pushing his face into Star Swirl’s. “What have we here? Another weak little pony. Give us everything you’ve got and we might let you live.” A cackle arose from the crowd. “Might.”
Star Swirl was not cowed. Puffing a robed chest out, the wizard stepped defiantly forwards, pressing towards the leader. “You foals!” Star Swirl bellowed, beard billowing impressively. “Do you not realise who I am? I am Star Swirl the Bearded, the greatest unicorn to have ever lived! I who created the amniomorphic spell! Who defeated the Antwerp dragon! Who singled-hoofedly vanquished the plague-ghosts of Krull!”
The goats exchanged glances, unsure of how to react to this new development. Finally one of them gave a cough and raised a hoof. “Uh, there isn’t a dragon at Antwerp.”
“Of course not!” Star Swirl boomed, hooves suddenly waving in the air in a flurry of mystical mystery. “I defeated it! Begone foul fiends, or I will defeat you too!” In that instant, the dark sky exploded into light as wave after wave of flashing fiery doom was flung from Star Swirl’s hooves, sending showers of sparks all about with terrible crashes and whistles. Blindingly bright spurts of light hurled themselves one after another at the attackers, each exploding in a brilliant display of colour.
“Leg it!” shouted one of the goats as the attackers scattered into the night. “I’m too young to get magic missiled!” Within moments the goats had kicked up an enormous cloud of dust, and before the last spark had settled, they were all gone.
Apart from the leader.
“Cowards!” he hissed, narrowing his eyes and turning to Star Swirl. “That sort of fancy unicorn trickery doesn’t scare me,” he snarled, baring his teeth. “Once I lay my hooves on you, all the pretty lights in the world won’t help you.”
Star Swirl’s eyes fixed on the bandit leader in the gloom, casting an icy, fearless expression. “My powers are older and vaster than you could ever conceive, goat,” the wizard spat. “Does my bearded appearance not prove my wisdom, do you really need a demonstration of my true might?” A smile broke across the pony’s face. “Step towards me then. Cross half the distance in one stride!”
The goat stepped forward cockily, halving the distance between the two. “Pah. Oh look, I’m not struck down by any mysterious powers,” he scoffed. “Are you scared yet?”
“Take another step,” Star Swirl commanded. “Again, half the distance between us.”
Playing along, the goat did as ordered. And again. And again. And the smirk on his face soon fell into one of horror as he stared at the ground. For even though each step covered half the distance between him and his foe, his steps got smaller and smaller until he was barely moving. “What… what dark magic is this?” he cried out in confused terror, fore hooves clutching his head. “I am moving half the distance each time yet I will never reach you! My mind!” With that, the gibbering wreck of a goat fled into the night.
Star Swirl just gave a loud tut and turned back to the cart to make sure everything was in place. Luckily, what goats had in brawn, they lacked in brain. The lights of the town continued to glow invitingly in the distance, and Star Swirl allowed a smile to form. With the goat bandits running and hollering in such a manner, it was very unlikely anyone else would attempt to disrupt the lone traveller.
“That was amazing!”
Star Swirl gave a manly shriek as two round eyes popped up from the other side of the cart, shivering slightly in the darkness. At second glance, it became evident that the newcomer was not another goat out for blood, but a silver Earth pony huddled in a blanket and wearing a chequered cloth hat, slightly the worse for wear but trembling in a mixture of terror and excitement.
“Those goats didn’t stand a chance!”
Star Swirl bristled with pride and gave a mock-bow. “Star Swirl the Bearded, at your command ma’am. The most powerful pony in the three kingdoms! I can escort you home, if you want.” Star Swirl nodded over to the inviting lights of Saddleworth in the distance.
The silver pony instantly recoiled. “No! Oh ew, no! Don’t worry, I’m not a mud pony, I’m a unicorn just like you!” She lifted the cap to reveal a shining silver horn and a perfect blue mane that tumbled over her features, almost twinkling in the moonlight. Star Swirl’s heart skipped a beat. “My name’s Platinum. I couldn’t let those goats find out who I was! Oh I dread to think of what they’d do to me!”
Star Swirl’s mouth flapped open and closed mutely. ‘I could think of a few things’ was the sentence that wanted to come out, but the wizard valiantly throttled the words before they could escape. Instead the radiant unicorn was greeted with a bob of a wizard hat. “It’s my pleasure madam, the only reward I seek is knowing that you are safe.”
“Oh,” Platinum’s face fell. “Well I was going to offer you gold but-“
“And gold!” Star Swirl interrupted loudly. “Knowing that you’re safe, and gold. Of course.” Another grin crossed the wizard’s face. “I would not wish to insult you by refusing such an offer!”
“Then it’s settled.” The silver pony fluttered her long eyelashes at her rescuer with a grin. “I’ll make sure that you’re rewarded…” she slowly ran a hoof over Star Swirl’s cheek “…handsomely.” Her expression then fell slightly, as a clattering of hooves sounded behind her. “Oh look” she deadpanned. “The cavalry’s arrived!”
Rapidly approaching were a pair of red and blue unicorns, each wearing a battered suit of armour, their eyes goggling about in terror as they warbled out incomprehensible shouts at the tops of their voices. They skidded to a halt in front of Platinum and Star Swirl, looking about puzzled. Finally, the blue unicorn spoke. “Did… uh, did we scare them off? Like planned?”
Platinum scowled at the two. “No, you two foals left me to the mercy of those wicked goats! I will have to have daddy punish you! Thankfully the greatest unicorn of all time, Star Swirl the Bearded was here to save me!”
The red unicorn pushed her sweaty, messy mane from her eyes and looked at Star Swirl. “I… that is we… we thought you were right behind us ma’am! Also it was a clever plan! To get help! And…” She gave a gulp. “Please don’t get us in trouble!”
Star Swirl’s heart gave a small pang of sympathy for the panicking duo. “If you would hold your ire,” the wizard turned to Platinum, “let me explain. I felt myself summoned here to your aid by some call for help on the ethereal plane. These two valiant young mares obviously sent out a mystical distress signal which brought me here to your rescue.”
The red unicorn looked confused and was about to speak up, but the blue one nodded furiously, forcing her companion to nod. “Yes, yes, that’s it! We did an ethernet plan to get Mr Starspangled here! Obviously!”
“Hmpf!” Platinum flung her head back, flicking her mane into the air in one perfect motion. “You were lucky you two, that such a powerful magician was nearby! Still, no harm done…” She turned to Star Swirl. “Come with us back to Unicornia, it’s the least we can do.”
Star Swirl’s head flashed quickly towards the bright lights of Saddleworth, and then back to the three unicorns. “Ah, my destiny lies elsewhere. There is more evil to vanquish this night. But be not afraid, for Star Swirl will return to once more bask in your fine company!” Star Swirl paused dramatically, then added: “and pick up the gold. You remember that bit, right? The gold.”
Platinum just beamed a pristine smile. “Next time you’re in Unicornia and you’re passing the royal castle, just ask for me, I’ll make sure you get your reward.” She accentuated this with a stroke and a tap of Star Swirl’s chest, causing the wizard to give a small gulp. She leaned in closer. “Just be careful around these parts, it’s crawling with mud ponies.”
Star Swirl gave a quick laugh and a final bow. “Do not worry about me, Star Swirl the Bearded can handle a hundred, nay a thousand crazed Earth ponies! And now I must go – danger and excitement awaits!” With that, the wizard rehitched the wooden cart and trundled off into the distance.
Platinum watched Star Swirl depart, until finally she turned to her two aides, giving them both a convincing thump on the head. “There!” she squeaked. “There’s a hero! Why can’t you two be like that?” Her eyes shone with a wild excitement. “I wonder what other daring adventures he’ll have tonight?”
***
As predicted, the rest of the journey to Saddleworth was uneventful, and soon Star Swirl entered the small town. It had the distinct feeling of an unplanned affair, with crudely built huts springing up at every angle in the most random of places, most of them looking as if they would collapse at any moment. Still, it was the first stepping stone to civilisation in these parts. Saddleworth didn’t offer much, but to the weary traveller, there was one highlight.
Star Swirl flung open the doors to the Chancellor’s Crown Tavern, boldly marching into the gloomy interior which reeked of spilt drink. “Behold foul Earth ponies! Star Swirl the Bearded, greatest unicorn of all time is here to claim your ale and salt licks!”
At once the entire bar fell silent, over a dozen Earth ponies stopping their conversations to glare at Star Swirl with a murderous gleam in their eyes. Chairs skidded back as several ponies stood up, and the large, thick-set stallion behind the bar raised a dagger in his mouth.
Then the entire bar burst into jolly laughter.
“Star Swirl!” The barpony placed his knife down carefully next to the oranges he’d been cutting and gave the new arrival a beaming grin. “It’s been too long! You’ll come to a sticky end if you keep up that routine though, mark my words!”
“Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!” Star Swirl trotted to a spare seat at the bar, casually unhooking the white fluffy beard which fell around the wizard’s neck to reveal a smooth blue snout. Next the hat and cloak came off, a puff of pink and violet hair being released to settle in a mess over the pony’s face. Finally, the pony known to history as Star Swirl the Bearded, the greatest unicorn that ever lived, took off the rolled up paper horn which was held on by a single elastic band.
At the bar, surrounded by a false beard, false horn and wizard regalia sat a young female Earth pony, a sardonic smile etched onto her face. Her light blue coat seemed to shine in the gloom of the filthy bar as she settled down, forehooves brushing her pink and purple mane from her eyes and arranging it neatly in a curl. “Rocky,” she smirked. “If you know a better way of crossing the lawless regions unchallenged, just let me know!”
Rocky polished a glass and poured a heavy measure of cider into it, which he slammed down in front of Star Swirl. “Hey, how about you don’t cross the lawless regions! Haven’t you been keeping up with the news, it’s crazy out there! If you don’t run into bandits you’ll meet monsters or pegasi or even real unicorns! And don’t think that you’ll be able to scare off proper pointy heads with that silly act! They’ll tear you apart!”
Star Swirl took a deep swig of her cider, gasping happily as the cool liquid refreshed her. “That’s where you’re wrong!” She leaned forward conspiratorially, a gleam in her eye. “I met some pointies tonight! Rescued a unicorn who works in their royal palace or something, she said she’d get me gold as a reward!” Star Swirl licked her lips. “Just think Rocky, a gold sovereign! Maybe even two! That’s more than I can earn in a week!”
“And you’ll spend it in a day, on drink and fillies no doubt!” With a laugh, Rocky started to polish the bar. After a slight pause, he leaned forwards too. “And about your being here, I take it that means…”
Star Swirl nodded. “Oh yes, out in the cart just as promised. Three boxes of Griffon Eggnog, two cases of Dandelion Wine, and a crate full of Catnip Ale, straight from Felonia. Fell off the back of a carriage, if you know what I mean. Ask no questions, I’ll tell no lies.” With a flash of a smile, she added, “I used half my firework stock in chasing off some bandits that tried to waylay me, but I’ll throw in a box of novelty compasses. None of them point north, but that’s the novelty!”
With a roll of his eyes, Rocky sighed. “Fine, fine, I’ll take it!” he muttered as Star Swirl thumped her now empty glass down on the bar. That mare could sure drink quickly.
“Good. The box of compasses is an extra five bits.” Before Rocky could reply, Star Swirl changed the subject, rubbing her hooves together. “Oh Rocky, this year is going to be great, I can feel it! I found an advert from a pony living in Detrot who’s looking to buy as much lemon grass as possible, six bits a kilo! And I have a contact in Coltchester who can get it for me at three bits a kilo! Imagine that!” her eyes glazed over slightly. “All I need to do is get it there and instant profit!”
“You don’t say…” Rocky muttered unimpressed as he refilled Star Swirl’s glass. “Hey, you don’t want to buy a hamper of odd socks, do you? Ma Honeybee at the laundrette’s been trying to get rid of them for ages without any luck.”
Star Swirl rolled her eyes at Rocky and took another deep swig of cider. “Don’t be ridiculous, who would have a use for…” she trailed off, her thoughts racing as she slammed her glass down, splashing cider over the newly cleaned bar. “Yes, of course!” she exclaimed excitedly. “The unicorns! I could sell them the socks as horn warmers when I visit them! Brilliant!” Rocky stared at her unconvinced as Star Swirl’s grin spread across her face. “This time next year Rocky, I’ll be a millionaire!”
“Just like last year. And the year before that.” Rocky shook his head. “You’re living in a dream world lady. And you’re not really going to Unicornia are you? You don’t honestly think you could get away with the ‘Star Swirl the Bearded’ thing there?”
Star Swirl wasn’t listening though, her cider-addled mind was consumed by the glinting lure of the promised wealth. She started to rock backwards and forward slightly, thinking of how she would spend it all. These plans revolved mostly around drink and fillies. “It’s worth the risk for gold, Rocky, of course it is! I won’t draw any attention to myself, just shuffle in, pick up the gold and leave again. What could possibly go wrong?”
Star Swirl rose with the sun early the next morning. This was half because of her desire to travel to the kingdom of Unicornia, half because she dimly recalled violently throwing up somewhere in Rocky’s house and wanted to leave before her host discovered the mess. Her original plan the night before was to pretend to be uncontrollably inebriated and so guilt trip Rocky into letting her crash on his sofa instead of paying for a hotel room; as it turned out downing half the tavern’s stock of hard cider in one night made the ‘pretence’ part of the plan unnecessary.
Picking her discarded cloak and hat from the battered couch, Star Swirl glanced into the mirror. The eyes of a rather hung-over blue earth pony stared back at her. She rubbed her bleary eyes with her hooves again and started to comb her bedraggled mane into shape. The idea of travelling to Unicornia to pick up her rightful reward had sounded a fine plan last night, but in the harsh light of day, doubts about the sanity of this endeavour were beginning to form.
For a start, she wasn’t a unicorn.
She lifted her fake horn and carefully tied it to her head, staring at it in the mirror for a good minute. It didn’t look particularly convincing in the daylight, though the hat would help to cover that up. Besides, it wasn’t as if unicorns inspected each other’s horns. She froze. Did unicorns inspect each other’s horns? Like most earth ponies she tended to stay out of the way of the unicorns where possible, all she had to go by were the stories ponies told. Unicorns, living in their palaces, their every whims taken care of by magic and sneering down on the earth ponies with a sense of self-righteous superiority.
Technically all the pony races in the three kingdoms lived in a symbiotic harmony – the unicorns raised the sun, the pegasi controlled the weather, and the earth ponies provided gifts of food. This had never seemed particularly fair to Star Swirl – it didn’t sound like raising the sun was particularly hard, and the unicorns needed light as much as anypony else, the same with the weather. Why did the earth ponies have to send the other races payments just for doing their jobs? Most of Star Swirl’s business was strictly under the counter, so she escaped having to pay a percentage of her income to the unicorns and pegasi. She justified it to herself as her own tiny rebellion against the system, but deep down knew she would probably be avoiding paying taxes no matter the benefactor.
Most earth ponies felt this way, though of course most of them actually had to make payments to the unicorns. She remembered how a few years ago Chancellor Mudhooves had decided to try to call the unicorn’s bluff, and ordered that no earth pony was to give another cartload of anything to the unicorns. The unicorns responded by keeping the sun down, plunging the land into darkness. In that dark the earth ponies found their plants withering and dying, yet there were reports that the unicorns had harnessed an artificial, magical light in their kingdom and so were unconcerned by the loss of the sun. They also had stockpiled plenty of supplies from the earth ponies. Finally the sun had been restored, with the unicorns demanding an even higher yearly tithe from the earth ponies, reminding them that while all ponies were equal, some were more equal than others.
Oddly enough, this actually made Chancellor Mudhooves more popular than before; any bitter resentment the ponies had was focussed completely on the greedy unicorns, with Mudhooves seen as a valiant leader fighting tyranny. Star Swirl had capitalised on this by hiring a printing press and churning out several thousand rather low quality framed portraits of Mudhooves which sold like hotcakes. She even had one herself, albeit hung in her toilet rather than above the mantelpiece.
Star Swirl was finally happy with the position of her horn, and strapped the beard to her chin. It was a big white fluffy beard which helped to disguise her feminine features, though again, she wasn’t sure if it would pass muster if inspected closely. Then again, she never recalled inspecting any pony’s beard closely. Perhaps lots of ponies wore false beards without the world at large knowing. Maybe all beards were false?
Pushing that rather crazy idea out of her mind, she fastened her cloak around her neck and placed her wizards hat on her head at a jaunty angle. She gave a smirk into the mirror. As an ensemble it actually looked rather good, if a bit tattered. Each of the yellow stars that adorned her robes had been hoof-stitched by herself years ago. She had gone as a unicorn wizard to a friend’s fancy dress party. In a fit of drunken overconfidence she decided to walk home in the dark rather than sleep on the floor in safety, and had been confronted by a mugger. On seeing that he had tried to mug what appeared to be a powerful unicorn wizard, the perpetrator had immediately begged for forgiveness and ran away as fast as his hooves could carry him. From then on, Star Swirl had taken to travelling as a unicorn on long and dangerous journeys, for the added safety such stature brought.
“Shazam!” she shouted at the mirror, attempting to cut a bold figure. “Abracadabra! Allon-sy!” The unicorn wizard in the mirror shouted back at her. It did look good. That nagging doubt remained though – would this disguise stand up to the scrutiny of actual unicorns in the daylight?
“Oh look, its Star Swirl the Sleepyhead!”
Star Swirl turned with a guilty squeak at the voice. Rocky was standing in the doorway, a grin on his face. How long had he been watching her pose in the mirror? “Oh, Rocky!” she chirped, pulling down her beard as if it was necessary to indicate that it was still her under the disguise. “Didn’t think you’d be up so early!”
“I was up hours ago!” Rocky retorted, trotting into the sitting room and staring at the couch, as if expecting to find some sort of horrendous damage there. “If I’ve gotta pay for the sun, I might as well get the best value out of the day!” He moved closer to peer at Star Swirl. “Now, you sure you’re going to go through with this, you crazy mare? Could be dangerous, and you still look a little the worse for wear.” His face creased in suspicion as he examined underneath his coffee table. “And I’m sure I heard some retching last night…”
“A-ha ha ha!” Star Swirl nervously grinned, fiddling with the clasp of her cloak. “No no, that was just… a cart backfiring, I’m certain. I’m fit as a fiddle me, raring to go!” She puffed her chest out and straightened her hat. “Star Swirl the Bearded, greatest unicorn of them all, will get his gold! She who dares wins!”
“Fine, just don’t come crying to me when it all goes pear shaped,” Rocky grumbled, ignoring Star Swirl’s display. His frown suddenly perked up. “Hey, that reminds me, I’ve got some fresh pears left in my ice box, you want one?” At Star Swirl’s eager nod, he trotted out of the room towards the kitchen.
Suddenly and terribly, Star Swirl remembered just where she’d thrown up the night before. It was time to leave. Quickly.
***
The road to Unicornia was long, and one that Star Swirl was unfamiliar with. She had spent most of the day navigating the winding paths that led away from Saddleworth towards the unicorn’s heartland in the High Peaks, her wagon precariously piled high with all manner of goods, including a large box of odd socks that she had collected from Ma Honeybee’s before an enraged Rocky could catch up with her and exact revenge for his poor ice box. She was sure he would have forgotten about it the next time she was in town. That or she would just deny everything; blame it on a burglar or ghost or something.
As mile by mile passed and she got closer to her destination, the roads turned from earth tracks to more carefully maintained cobbled paths. Many smaller roads soon merged into one large highway which formed the backbone of the region’s trading route to Unicornia, and soon she saw many other travellers trotting alongside her. Most were earth pony traders, carrying their own cartloads of goods for sale or payment of tithes to the unicorns. None of the earth ponies turned to look at her with anything but a scowl. That was probably a good sign.
From time to time a carriage would race along the road, presumably carrying an important unicorn or earth pony dignitary on official duty. It was only when the journey became steeper as the road began to tackle the beginnings of the mountainous slopes that she met her first unicorn face to face in the daytime.
It was a pink stallion trotting along at some pace, whistling a jaunty tune as he passed Star Swirl and her cart. It was now or never, Star Swirl thought. Time to test out her disguise. “Hi!” She waved a hoof at the passing unicorn, giving a wide, cheesy grin half obscured by her beard. Her mind suddenly struggled to think of what unicorns might actually talk about. “Uh, magical day isn’t it, fellow unicorn!”
“Hmm, what?” The unicorn paused slightly as he turned to see Star Swirl as if for the first time. “Yes, I… I guess it is.” Quizzically raising his eyebrows, he turned his head and trotted off.
The only thing Star Swirl could hear though, was the pounding of her heart in her chest. It had worked – she hadn’t been ousted as a fake unicorn! Her old confidence returned, and it was with a renewed vigour that she started heaving her heavy cart up the sloping mountain road.
***
The air was thinner as Star Swirl continued her journey upwards, now surrounded by ponies of all shapes and sizes making their way to Unicornia. In the dim distance, the first ramparts of the massive capital city of the unicorns could be seen, spires jutting tall and proud against the peaks of the mountains. It was a far cry from the simple earth pony dwellings that she was used to. The scale of the city would have taken her breath away, if the sharp mountain air hadn’t done that already.
It took a while for her to notice, but at some point the road had become split. There was a thick dividing line painted down the middle. On the left trotted the unicorns, making their way back home from whatever business they had in the valleys below, and on the right were the earth ponies, straining to pull their goods up the slopes. The division seemed to make a kind of sense to Star Swirl; it would make it easier for any checks to be made at the gates, though the earth pony side of the road did seem slightly less well maintained.
Star Swirl did her best to ignore her fellow earth ponies as they struggled up the path laden with gifts for the unicorns. Her own cart creaked in sympathy, though the better quality cobblestone eased the strain on her wheels somewhat. Dimly she noticed one earth pony totter and collapse from exhaustion. She didn’t stop to help – none of the other unicorns did – to do so would be unseemly and draw unnecessary attention to herself. She doubled her resolve and refocused her mind on the gold that would be waiting for her. With a gold sovereign or two she could then travel to Coltchester and buy all the lemon grass there – she could double her gold in a few days!
It was because she was concentrating so hard on her impending good fortune that she failed to spot the guards until she almost walked into them.
There were two armoured unicorns blocking the road directly in front of her, manning a stand in a large checkpoint zone before the main gates. Star Swirl stumbled to a stop, almost tripping in an attempt to stall her momentum and not crash headfirst into them. They looked at her expectantly.
“Uh…” she looked between them in slight confusion, getting only stern, humourless stares in response. Was this some sort of horn check? Did they inspect every unicorn on the road to make sure they weren’t an earth pony attempting to sneak in as a unicorn?
“Papers!” The slightly taller guard snapped, her lavender coat bristling slightly in annoyance at Star Swirl’s lack of efficiency. “Come on, we don’t have all day!”
Star Swirl froze like a rabbit in front of a cart. She hadn’t even considered that she might have needed any identification to enter Unicornia. To her right, she could see the checkpoint extending across the road, other guards examining the papers of her fellow unicorn travellers, and stamping visas for the earth pony merchants. The familiar icy pang of panic started to rise in her chest – would they just send her away or put her in jail or worse? Given the amount of guards on duty, bribery wasn’t an option. Perhaps she could say she had lost her papers and turn back…
A sense of determination slapped away the fear. Beyond the guard post, there was gold just waiting for her, she couldn’t let this stand in her way. It was now or never.
Rearing up to her full height, she pushed her face straight into the guards, and with as much anger and malice in her face as she could muster, bellowed: “Don’t you know who I am?”
The guard seemed quite taken aback at this, turning to her colleague who shrugged. “W-well, no sir, that’s why I asked for papers!” she stuttered, shuffling backwards from Star Swirl slightly.
Star Swirl pushed the offensive, casting her head about in mock fury, and rolling her eyes towards the unicorns at the other check points. “Ridiculous!” she scoffed. “I’m Star Swirl the Bearded! Anypony can see that!”
The guard continued to stare blankly, and then a look of recognition dawned over her face. “Oh, you’re Star Swirl!” she exclaimed, waving to her fellow guards. “Hey look, its Star Swirl the Bearded!”
With a confused grin, Star Swirl gave a small wave of the hoof at the other guards, who started to leave their posts to shuffle towards her. Were they mocking her? Was this some sort of trick? “Yes… Yes, I am!” she replied, playing along for the moment. “Inventor of the amniomorphic spell, defeater of the Antwerp dragon, vanquisher of the plague-ghosts of Krull!”
A second, smaller guard suddenly grabbed her by the hoof and vigorously pumped it up and down. “It’s a pleasure to meet you!” he exclaimed, grinning widely. “Redcurrent told us all about how she summoned you last night with her psychic powers! She was quite chuffed to learn she had psychic powers, let me tell you!”
A rather lanky grey unicorn guard pushed forwards. “It must have been amazing!” he exclaimed. “She told us how you killed thirty goat bandits in ten seconds with the power of your mind!” A reddish tinge spread across his cheeks. “C-can I have your autograph?”
A fourth guard started hopping up and down. “Can you teach us how to use mind daggers?”
Star Swirl’s mouth flapped open and closed as she struggled to think of a response. Nothing came out. Several pairs of eyes stared at her expectantly. She cleared her throat. “Well ah, the secret of the mind daggers takes many years of difficult study to master.” The guard’s face crumpled in disappointment. “But I’m happy to sign some autographs if you can find me a pen and paper.”
At this there was a sudden flurry of activity as one of the guards dived into the checkpoint to find some spare writing apparatus. “And I’ll only charge three bits per autograph!” Star Swirl called after him quickly, almost as an afterthought.
After a bit of confusion the guards seemed happy with this arrangement, and Star Swirl, pen gripped tightly in her mouth, soon found herself with a line forming in front of her. A table had been dragged out from a roadside hut and a cushion located for her to comfortably sit on while she carried out her business. With the guards deserting the checkpoints to cluster around her, the ponies waiting at the checkpoint had joined her queue, eager to see what all the fuss was about.
“For my son!” the tall lavender guard pushed a blank slip of paper under Star Swirl’s nose and placed down the requisite three bits. “He’s… ah… he’s also called Twinkleberry. Like me. It’s a family thing.”
Star Swirl signed the paper with a swish, and thoughtfully sucked on the end of the pen as she considered the rather happy unicorn guards, and all the unicorn travellers queuing up to see who they believed must be a celebrity. “Say…” she stood up, wandering over to her cart which was resting by the roadside. “All your horns look rather cold…”
Half an hour later, Star Swirl was trotting away from the check point, her moneybag slightly heavier, and her cart slightly lighter. Before her lay open the massive wooden gates which led to the kingdom of Unicornia. And beside her trotted several dozen unicorns, each happily wearing a sock on their horn.
Past the huge wooden gates that stood atop the mountain path lay the home of the unicorns. The High Peaks spread out before Star Swirl, craggy mountaintops coated with wispy cloud around which lay a complex network of dwellings. Hoof-made spires jostled with natural ones; large chunks of the rock faces were levelled off and extended into the mist to form the groundwork of the biggest city Star Swirl had ever seen, each mountain range joined by bridges that looked as sturdy as they did impossibly delicate. The entrance to the High Peaks was a similar path, a long stone walkway that looked terrifyingly fragile which stretched from the gates to the next mountainside upon which the huge and powerful royal palace lay like a dragon hunched protectively over its hoard.
In truth, Star Swirl felt a pang of disappointment.
It was not that the capital city of Unicornia was not impressive, far from it. She had no idea how it was even possible to build such a city in the clouds, let alone get enough raw materials up the steep mountainside to begin with. It had been hard enough just pulling her cart up the carefully made and well-maintained path.
No, it was a more primal disappointment. One of her first memories was lying by her grandfather’s side next to a comforting, roaring fire while the rain fell in torrents outside. He had shown the curious young filly one of his most prized possessions – a bulky, beautifully illustrated encyclopaedia. That evening she had learned for the first time that there was a world outside the small village where she had grown up. That there were other races of ponies, wicked and cunning. He had shown her pictures of the pegasi, forever plotting in their cloud palaces, planning to swoop down on fillies who had been bad and take them away to their cooking pots. She found out that in the western oceans there were said to be sea ponies, who had flippers instead of hooves and ate only sea-weed. Her grandfather told her that nopony had ever seen a sea pony, and got slightly annoyed when Star Swirl asked how the book knew what they looked like, even down to the crowns they all wore and the shapes of the sand castles they lived in. She doubted they could all be kings.
What fascinated her most of all though, were the unicorns. The book went into great depth about them, how they had mighty magical powers but refused to use them for the good of others. Selfish, greedy ponies unlike the noble and hardworking earth pony race. While the earth ponies lived in simple wood and mud huts, the unicorns lived in palaces of gold, ate off gold plates and even bathed in gold. Star Swirl could not tear her eyes off the pictures that showed unicorns frolicking in the lap of luxury. She still vividly remembered one particular image, of a unicorn surrounded by paintings and sitting on a gold couch with bags full of gold instead of pillows. The caption had read: ‘A unicorn peasant.’
Obviously as she had grown older and wiser, she realised that this was a bit of an exaggeration. She met other ponies who had met unicorns, even some who had travelled to their city to trade or pay taxes. There were no couches made of gold there, they had told her. Or if there were, they were very well hidden.
Still, gazing out on that impossibly complex and beautiful city, Star Swirl couldn’t help but feel disappointed at the relative mundanity of it, as another foalhood dream had been snatched away.
She realised she had been staring at the sprawling city for slightly too long, and so fixing her face with an expression of determination, stepped out onto the bridge that connected the gates to the main city. There was gold in that city, a whole sovereign that would soon be hers! It took a few minutes of trotting over the bridge before her brain processed that she was now rather perilously high up in the air. Curiously, she looked over the edge of the bridge which for some reason had no walls of any size and immediately recoiled from the sight. Directly below it was a chasm the likes of which she’d never seen before, a yawning black mouth between the mountains which felt as if it would reach up and swallow her whole.
Giddily she skidded to the middle of the walkway and sat there for a few moments while taking deep breaths. Around her various ponies trotted happily, talking to each other or whistling. ‘What if the wind blew and you all fell off?’ Star Swirl wanted to yell. ‘You’re all crazy!’ She resisted the urge though. It was obviously a common enough journey, perhaps there was some sort of magic that stopped ponies from falling off the edge? Perhaps ponies were able to walk in a straight line without hurling themselves off the edge of a bridge to their doom? Noticing she was starting to receive more and more glances in her general direction, Star Swirl picked herself up, gave a big gulp, and continued across the bridge.
***
The walls of the royal palace stood imposingly in front of Star Swirl. It was at the forefront of the city, and Star Swirl realised that it was not just built on the mountain but around it. Above the ramparts jutted the tip of the mountain, and she was sure that the mountainside must have been hollowed out to fit the imposing building. It was, she thought, rather an elegant solution. Ponies arriving at Unicornia had two choices – enter the palace, or walk around it to access the rest of the city. Wryly she noticed that no earth ponies entered the palace; any earth pony traders were kept to a strict path by guards and watched at all times.
Star Swirl though, was a unicorn. At least for the purposes of this exercise. Once more gathering her resolve and trying not to think of what would happen to her should she be uncovered as an earth pony, she marched up to the mighty gates of the palace, her wooden cart trundling behind her at a good pace.
“Halt, who goes there?” Her path was immediately blocked by a pike that floated inches from her face. A rather fierce looking grey unicorn stood behind it, glaring at her.
Star Swirl glared back and let her cloak billow out impressively behind her. “It is I, Star Swirl the Bearded!” she boomed, boggling her eyes at the guard in a manner that was supposed to convey secret wisdom though in fact made her look a bit drunk.
The guard just stared blankly back.
This wasn’t quite the effect Star Swirl was going for. Her earlier success at the checkpoint had installed a degree of confidence in her which was quickly deflating. She pressed the attack. “I’m really really famous, surely you’ve heard of me! Maybe one of your colleagues talked about me last night?” She made an attempt to nudge the guard’s memory. “You know, how I killed all those goats just by staring at them?”
The guard just scowled back. “No, I don’t socialise with my work colleagues, I find that lowers professional boundaries. And you can’t kill goats by staring at them, that’s ridiculous.” The pike made a quick jab in front of Star Swirl, who found herself automatically flinching back. “Now go away!”
Star Swirl felt her promised gold slipping away. “Wait!” She exclaimed. “I’m here to look for Platinum!”
The guard rolled his eyes. “Ugh, I thought so. Look, I’ve got no change on me, go beg somewhere else.”
Star Swirl was about to give an angry retort when another guard raced up to the pair and batted the pike away from Star Swirl with a quick blast of magic. “Moonbeam you idiot, that’s Star Swirl the Bearded!” The newcomer gave the guard a quick smack around the back of the head, and hissed. “He’s expected – he’s on the guest list! He’s the pony that blew up the heads of three hundred goats last night with just the wiggle of an eyebrow!”
The guard known as Moonbeam stared in confusion at his colleague. “Wait, there’s a guest list?” he frowned. “I thought we were just supposed to turn everypony away?”
Star Swirl started to choke at this last sentence but held it back in long enough to turn into a slight cough, and just smiled pleasantly at the two guards. “No no, don’t worry,” she said with the wave of a hoof. “It happens all the time, ponies never remember a face! Just be thankful I didn’t explode your head! Actually…” she turned to her cart and carefully lifted out a small eggcup which she offered to Moonbeam. “Just place this magical memory scoop on your head and it will help you remember more things, so you won’t get in trouble again!”
Moonbeam was too caught up in the knowledge that he was moments away from having his head exploded like a common goat to refuse, and took the egg cup gratefully, nodding with enthusiasm. “T-thank you oh merciful Star Swirl!” he exclaimed.
“Yes yes, that’s right.” Star Swirl smirked. “Oh, by the way, that’ll be ten bits please.”
***
Star Swirl was led into the mouth of the castle, passing through those foreboding gates into a place that few earth ponies had trod. The first surprise was the comfort – instead of the cold, dank stone interior she had imagined, the inner corridors were roomy and flooded with a warm, soft light that came from torches which flickered with an unnatural energy. The flagstones underhoof were covered with a lush carpet: Star Swirl’s hooves sunk into the deep pile and she was immediately overcome with the desire to just sit down and have a rest. She resisted the temptation however – having a nap in the middle of the corridor was sure to bring unwanted attention on her, not least from the guard at her side.
The stone walls were covered with rich tapestries, a stunning myriad of colours and threads that seemed to depict unicorn history, or famous unicorns. Some of the thread was gold, Star Swirl noticed, and inlaid with precious jewels of all kinds, just hanging there unprotected. The guard was still silently trotting along beside her though, but the thought ran through her head that she might be able to lose him and make this trip even more profitable.
The guard grimaced slightly as if he had some deep troubling worry on his mind, and finally turned to Star Swirl, continuing to walk at his steady pace. “That magic memory scoop you gave to Moonbeam…” he finally began. “Was… was that an eggcup?”
Star Swirl felt a sudden pang of fear at the question, but turned her panic into annoyance as she rolled her eyes at the guard. “Well of course!” she exclaimed haughtily. “It was a magic eggcup. How else could he become an egghead?”
“Well I…” the guard blinked slightly. “That makes sense!” He turned to Star Swirl. “D-do you have any more? I mean, I don’t want to trouble you but I’ve got an officer exam coming up and…”
Star Swirl halted, raising a hoof in front of the guard and giving a mock-bow as she turned to sort through her cart to pluck out another eggcup with her mouth and fling it in the direction of her new customer. “No no, no trouble!” she replied. “Well obviously some trouble, since it takes months to correctly imbue each eggcup with the correct magical formula, really the ten bits barely covers the manufacturing costs.” She smiled at the guard and the guard smiled gratefully back, his horn glowing, catching the eggcup in a ring of sparkling magic and placing it safely in his ceremonial side-saddle. “Ten bits,” she added again, just in case he didn’t take the hint, and soon an apologetic and flustered guard floated ten shiny coins towards Star Swirl.
Star Swirl caught the coins with a swipe of her hooves and placed them in her ever-bulging money bag. “Well, we’d better get going!” she exclaimed, starting to heave her cart forwards again. The rough wooden wheels had got caught in the carpet pile somewhat, and there was a rather painful tearing noise as she got the cart moving again. “So uh… where are we going?” she eventually asked.
The guard frowned. “Well, court of course!” He motioned to a large set of ornate doors that seemed to dominate the corridor that they were walking down. “Everyone’s expecting you!”
Star Swirl’s face suddenly turned very very pale, and her legs begun to involuntarily tremble. Court? Was this all a trick? Was she being arrested? Her eyes opened wide in fear as she swung her head from side to side looking for a way to escape, but the guard was already pushing open the door, and several more guards had appeared as if from nowhere to flank her.
She started to hyperventilate – it was a trap! Had her deception been uncovered, would she be sentenced to death as an earth pony spy? Or could the charges be related to another incident? As the guards moved in closer, her mind raced in an attempt to think back to her last dealing with unicorns. There was that deal with Midnight Shadow a month or so back – he was working on behalf of a business cartel of unicorns wasn’t he?”
“I’m sorry!” she suddenly blurted out, clutching at her chest as she wheezed out in panic. “I didn’t know those self-inflating dolls were faulty and filled with an explosive gas! I only just found out, right now! I was just the middlemare, it was all Midnight’s fault, he should go to jail not me!”
She threw her hooves in front of her face, cowering against her cart. Nothing happened. She slowly uncovered her eyes. The guards had stopped in front of her, staring impassively ahead. And then from the open court doors came a triumphant fanfare and the guards fell to their front hooves, bowing their heads.
“Fillies and gentlecolts of Unicornia!” came a measured, loud voice from the doorway, tones sharp, precise and clipped. “Star Swirl the Bearded! Father of the amniomorphic spell! Defeater of the Antwerp dragon! Vanquisher of the plague-ghosts of Krull!"
Star Swirl slowly turned around and faced the now open court doors. An impossibly large chamber faced her, full of a myriad of unicorns of all shapes and sizes who thronged at the edges, all staring at her. The centre of the room was completely empty, save for a red walkway that led all the way to a pair of mighty thrones upon one of which sat a distant figure. The speaker was an austere looking unicorn, clad in absolutely pristine robes, a trumpet magically hovering near her head. She took a breath and continued “…Slayer of the evil goat army! Protector of the royal bloodline! He craves an audience with King Caractacus!”
Star Swirl looked back at the bowing guards behind her, and then back at the room full of the highest echelons of unicorn society. “I ah… I do...?” she mumbled out, gulping hard. The guards were still bowing; it might be possible to make a hasty escape. She swallowed down the fear. No, if the king himself wanted to give her the gold coin, she would let him. Perhaps he gave out all the rewards in Unicornia? This could be a completely normal occurrence, and after all, she didn’t want to draw too much attention to herself. The king would give her the gold and then she could make a quick exit. “Yes!” she shouted across the chamber. “Yes, I do!”
Rolling her shoulders with a new-found confidence, she marched into the chamber. Passing through the doorway, the room was even bigger than she had expected – the walls were covered in even more incredible tapestries, and from the ceiling were hung hundreds of chandeliers of all shapes and sizes. And they were gold. There were plates of gold mounted on the wall, works of art inlaid with the precious metal. And there, in a far corner, was a golden couch upon which sat a young mare sitting on golden cushions. “It’s true…” she whispered, a small tear pricking at the corner of her eye. “It’s all true!”
The trumpets played again as she strode down the long walkway towards the king, helping to drown out the awkward squeaking noise from the wheels of her rickety cart. Surrounded by such opulence, Star Swirl began to feel quite self-conscious in her fancy-dress robes. She could only guess how much the outfits of those watching her cost – more than she could earn in a year no doubt, she thought ruefully. There were unicorns in military uniforms, in dresses that had more frills that she thought possible, all of them watching her. And then they started to clap.
It was slow at first, but then faster, the clapping of hundreds of hooves beginning to muffle the fanfare as Star Swirl approached the king. Beads of sweat pricked at her brow and her cart felt heavier than ever before. There was a strange, giddy feeling at every step closer that she took as the experience threatened to overwhelm her.
To Star Swirl’s surprise, near the king’s throne were not just unicorns, but creatures of all types, the likes of which she had barely even heard of. There was a goat, glaring at her with narrowed eyes, a zebra, concealed in a tightly wrapped cloak. An earth pony dressed in the most ridiculously frilly robes imaginable with what looked like a cake on his head. There was a griffin and a two-legged bull and some sort of snake thing and…
Star Swirl’s mouth dropped open and she almost stumbled on the carpet as her brain processed the sight. Nearest the steps that led to the thrones was a large glass cylinder, full to the brim with water and resting on a strange wooden contraption that featured a pair of large wheels and several pipes that led into the cylinder from which bursts of steam occasionally escaped. But it was what was in the glass tank that caught Star Swirl’s gaze – the most beautiful sight she had ever seen. A pastel pink pony, her features smooth and perfect, her mane decorated in shells and twirls of coral. Her front hooves were hooked over the top of the tank as she watched Star Swirl, but instead of back legs, her body ended in a large, glittering tail that swished idly back and forth.
And she was wearing a crown.
Star Swirl continued to gaze upon the sea pony as she walked, eyes taking in every feature of that flawless body. It was as if every broken foalhood dream had suddenly been given another chance; she wanted to race over to her, talk to her, perhaps ask for a swim…
It was because of these rather distracting thoughts that she walked straight into the stairs that led to the throne. She backed up with a start, staring straight into face of the unicorn king.
“Star Swirl!” the king roared, his bearded face breaking into a grin as if greeting an old and trusted friend. The king was huge, a massive, bulky framed red unicorn with a candy-striped mane that was expertly combed around his crown. It wasn’t that he was fat – he had certainly seen his share of good meals, but Star Swirl noticed a lot of muscle and power behind his size. There was an aura of joviality about him and a twinkle in his eyes, though Star Swirl didn’t particularly want to test how jovial he could be.
“Uh… ah…” she suddenly felt her throat go dry. “Yes, that’s me sir! Your majesty!” She had never met royalty before. In fact the most important pony she had ever met in her life was the tax inspector, and she tried to avoid talking to him as much as possible. She gave a stiff bow, holding onto her fake horn for dear life as if it would traitorously leap off her head and reveal her as a fraud in front of all the gathered unicorns.
“It is so good to see you!” the king bellowed, throwing his hooves forward as if in a hug, though Star Swirl elected not to leap into his embrace. It was probably for the best. The king gave a large, friendly smile. “We applaud your bravery in slaying the army of three thousand goat mercenaries that had been sent after my daughter.”
The king started to stomp his hooves on the ground in appreciation, and soon the entire room followed suit, Star Swirl’s head spinning from the cacophony of noise. “Wait… daughter?” she croaked out in confusion, but her words were lost in the din.
From the corner of her eye she saw the mare on the golden couch rise and trot up the steps to the other, empty throne. She was another beauty, clad in the most dazzling array of silks and jewels Star Swirl had ever seen. But her face was familiar. “Platinum?” she whispered. It was starting to make sense now, if she had saved the king’s daughter…
“Indeed!” Platinum settled her haunches down on her comfortably cushioned throne and batted her eyelashes at Star Swirl. “If it had not been for the bravery of this wizard, I would surely be dead!”
“What do you say to that, eh Sir Beardius!” The king’s gaze suddenly swung round towards the shifty-looking goat, and his eyes bulged in accusation. “Your murderous army foiled in its plot to kill my beloved daughter by this one mighty unicorn! Bet you feel silly now!”
The goat stepped forwards towards the king, casting a sideway glare at Star Swirl. “I can assure you, your highness, that Goatlandia has not sanctioned any such action against your family. We are loyal friends of Unicornia!”
“Aha!” the king boomed in triumph as if unravelling a particularly difficult puzzle. “That’s exactly the sort of thing you would say if you secretly tried to send your army after my daughter!” He stroked his beard, pleased with the logic of his statement. “Ambassador, tell your president that I expect additional tribute next month for this attempted atrocity!”
The goat fell back into the crowd, his thin face now glowering with rage at Star Swirl. “Bah” he quietly bleated.
King Caractacus settled back comfortably onto his throne again, a smug smirk breaking over his face, rolling his eyes towards the rest of the court in an exaggerated display of contempt. “Goats eh?” he thundered. “Always causing trouble!” He turned his attention to the Goatlandian ambassador again, who was twitching and glowering in an attempt to restrain his fury. “Can’t you be more like Puddingbrain and his earth ponies? He’s much too cowardly to ever lift a hoof against me!”
The earth pony in the strange hat waved a hoof in the air. “A-actually it’s Puddinghead!” she squeaked out, but the king ignored her.
“Now, Star Swirl!” He fixed Star Swirl with his large, brilliant eyes, and she found herself tensing up. This was it, the moment she had been waiting for! “We thank you from the bottom of our heart for saving our daughter. As such, please receive our greatest gift!” He held out his hoof. Star Swirl stared at it in confusion. It was empty. “Our undying gratitude!”
There was silence in the court as all eyes turned to Star Swirl, waiting for the faux wizard to respond. Star Swirl just stood, eyes wide as she furrowed her brow, looking at the hoof. She took a step forward and peered at it from all angles. It was definitely empty. She slowly reached out her own forehoof to shake the king’s, heart heavy with disappointment. Then a piece of advice from her granddad floated unbidden to the top of her head.
If you never ask, you never get.
“And gold!” Star Swirl yelped out, slightly louder and higher-pitched than she was expecting. “Your gratitude and gold! I was promised a gold coin and…” she floundered as she felt shocked glares from all around the room on her shoulders. “…Not for myself you understand, I give all proceeds to poor disadvantaged ponies!” This was true, after a fashion. She did consider herself to be poor and disadvantaged.
King Caractacus’s face was an unreadable mask as an uncomfortable silence descended upon the room. Then he threw back his head with a roaring laughter. “Oh of course!” he half-yelled in his deep tones. “The gold, I nearly forgot!” A servant stepped forwards, a large bulging bag telekinetically hovering in front of their face. “One gold coin though? It seems a trifle sum!”
The sight of the bag was too much for Star Swirl. It had been a long, tiring day from her early morning start to the lengthy and hard journey to Unicornia. She had been thrust out of her comfort zone and into a situation which seemed completely out of her control. And now the king of the unicorns was talking about more gold? Less gold? She shook her head as she tried to remember what Platinum had even said to her the night before. Had she assumed she was getting a gold coin? Maybe she had been promised a bag of gold? And now, to top it all off, as these thought s were going round in her head, the king was saying something about a trifle.
“I…” Star Swirl twitched, looking at the bag of gold. Was she being teased with the gold and given a dessert instead? Was this a final insult? Her confusion turned into annoyance and she slammed a hoof down in anger. “No! Look, I appreciate the offer and everything, but I did save your daughter’s life! Exploding goat heads is hard work! I like trifle as much as any pony, I mean there’s cream and sprinkles and jelly; me and trifle, we’ve had some good times together….” She shook her head, realising she was starting to ramble. “But I’m here for the gold not the trifle, so if it’s all the same to you I won’t have a trifle! “Finishing her speech, she started panting for air, staring up defiantly at the king and slowly realising she had gone a tiny bit too far.
The king frowned slightly as he attempted to process Star Swirl’s words, and then once more bellowed out a laugh. “Quite right, quite right, saving the life of my only daughter is worth more than a trifling one bag of gold! You shall have two!”
Star Swirl blinked in astonishment, shaking her head to clear the fog that had built up from tiredness. Her heart started to soar in joy. Two bags of gold!
“…After I see some of your spectacular magic, of course!” the king continued.
Star Swirl’s heart crashed and burned.
Two bags of gold were now hovering in a magical aura beside the king, bulging at the seams with the precious metal. Every pony in the massive room was watching her expectantly, waiting for the legendary Star Swirl the Bearded to perform another feat of exceptional magic. The string that attached the false horn to her head suddenly started to itch hard and Star Swirl felt the sweat pricking on her forehead. She could easily turn away, refuse the reward and leave. But two bags of gold? That could set her up for life!
Star Swirl’s face set in determination and she chewed on her bottom lip. The expectant silence was beginning to make her feel uncomfortable, as every second passed it became harder and harder to say no. She came to a decision.
“Of course!” Star Swirl turned to her cart and fished out three coconut shell halves, placing them in front of the king. Underneath one, she placed a stone. “Your majesty, watch the shell with the stone!” She started to move the halves around at a slow and steady speed, as the king’s eyes followed the motions. If the unicorns were already convinced she had magical powers, she reasoned, surely a small ‘magical’ demonstration would suffice, and this trick had never failed to impress in the past. It was worth the risk for gold!
She stopped moving the shells, and raised her hooves dramatically. “Now, which shell is the stone under?”
King Caractacus looked at Star Swirl, then down at the shells in perplexment. “Well, it’s that one of course!” he muttered, pointing at the middle shell.
Star Swirl smiled, and dramatically lifted the shell. There was nothing underneath. “No your majesty! But maybe you are mistaken?” She then flipped over the other two shells. They were empty as well. “Perhaps it has vanished! Or perhaps…” She slowly reached forwards to the king’s bushy beard, and from its depths extracted the stone. “Or perhaps it was here all along! Gaze upon the wondrous mystery!” She gave a flourish and a bow, waiting for the applause.
Silence. There was a smattering of hoof-claps, but they soon died down after a rough cough from the king. He frowned down at Star Swirl, and she knew that this time, he wasn’t about to burst out in laughter. “Well… you just teleported it to my beard, didn’t you?” he exclaimed, an eyebrow raised. “I mean your control of magic is excellent, very subtle….” he harrumphed “… though obviously I could see your magical aura at work, I am the king after all!”
“Well, ah…” Star Swirl turned from side to side, seeing the watchful eyes of the court all around her. Even Platinum seemed to be looking at her with some degree of disenchantment. She tugged on the neck of her robe in an attempt to give her some more air. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you, your majesty…” She gave a grovelling bow, starting to tremble slightly.
The king just shook his head. “Really Star Swirl, I expected something a bit more exciting than this! Very disappointed.” He cast his gaze about the room and settled on the Goatlantian ambassador, pointing at him with his hoof. “There, go explode Sir Beardius’s head! Sir Beardius come over here.” Beardius started to shrink back into the group of ambassadors, shaking his head, his mouth flapping up and down in mute panic. The king frowned and motioned to a pair of guards. “Don’t worry Beardius!” he soothed. “We can always send for another Goatlandian ambassador, it’s no trouble!”
As the guards moved in to pull Beardius before the king for some head-exploding action, Star Swirl realised she needed to act. Failure to burst the goat’s head in a spectacular display of magic might result in her own head being exploded, via less magical and more bludgeony means. “My king!” she announced. “Of course I would love to explode the head of another goat, but…” she searched for the right words. “But it is very messy; I wouldn’t want your carpet to be permanently stained!”
King Caractacus considered this, stroking his beard thoughtfully, and then motioned for the guards to stand down, dropping a gibbering Beardius to the ground. “Yes yes, quite right that chap! I would like to see something impressive though.” His face brightened up. “Yes, what about that amniomorphic spell you created! I’d like to see that, I’ve not seen an amniomorphic spell in a while!” He quickly leant over the side of his throne towards a group of wizened unicorns in wizard robes who up until this point had been watching the events impassively. “Quick, Greybeard, what’s an amniomorphic spell?”
“Oh, it’s…” the lead unicorn scratched his long grey beard, and dived towards his peers. Star Swirl could hear a frenzied exchange within the group. “…Lamb?” offered one voice. “A bowl?” “…sounds made up!” “Transformation?” The words soon became indistinct in a babble of frantic whispering. In fact it wasn’t made up; Star Swirl vividly remembered reading it as the ‘word of the day’ on the back of a box of cereal and had thought it sounded sufficiently exciting, though she couldn’t remember the meaning. There were other good words too. Defenestration. She’d find a way to use that one day…
Finally the wizard known as Greybeard broke away from the group and turned back to the king, taking off his pointed hat respectfully and holding it in front of his body like a shield. “I… that is to say we….” he started to stammer out. “We don’t know, your majesty. Sorry.”
“What?” the king roared, his red face somehow becoming redder. The entire room jumped with a start at the sudden burst of anger. “Really Greybeard, it’s the job of my advisors to know everything about magic, I pay you enough! I even heard one of the guards talking about Star Swirl’s amniomorphic spell this morning, so it can’t be bottle-rocket science!”
As Greybeard quivered under the king’s wrathful gaze, Star Swirl decided to take back control. “Your majesty!” she announced loudly. “The secret of the amniomorphic spell is known only to me, if a guard had heard of my coming, of course he would be discussing it, but he could not know of its mysteries!” Star Swirl feigned a sad sigh. “Alas, I cannot show you its power, for it is a dangerous spell which can only be used in the most dire of circumstances. However, I will endeavour to put on the greatest magic show for you that this kingdom has ever seen. I just need time to prepare, and…” she coughed. “I gain additional magical power from holding gold; my show would be more spectacular if I was able to charge my abilities using the bags.”
The king gave a final glare at Greybeard, and then nodded, seemingly happy with these arrangements. “Yes, that sounds right…” he pondered, as his horn glowed with a magical aura and the two heavy bags of gold floated over to an eager Star Swirl who snatched them from the air with quivering hooves.
“Thank you thank you thank you!” Star Swirl was trembling as she felt the weight of the bags. In one moment she had earned more gold than she ever thought possible. Now all she had to do was make a quick escape. “Now my liege, I was thinking… ten days to prepare a magical feast of splendour?”
“Hrm.” The king tilted his head to the side as he deliberated on this. “No, how about ten minutes, I’m feeling in desperate need of entertainment and Puddingbrain has a note from her mum saying she’s not allowed to dance on hot coals for me anymore.”
“Ten minutes?” Star Swirl’s eyes widened in horror as she quickly fastened the moneybags to a harness fixed under her cloak. That wasn’t much time for a head start, in this unfamiliar city she’d be hard pressed to flee to safety so quickly. “No problem! I just need to head to the loo…” She started to trot away nervously, leaving her cart before the throne as evidence that of course she would return. “Won’t be a tick!”
The king was all smiles again. “No, of course not! Tell you what! Guards, show Star Swirl to the bathroom!” To Star Swirl’s horror, a detachment of half a dozen bulky stallions in heavy armour broke away from beside the throne and surrounded her. This, she considered, was not going to end well.
“Come on Star Swirl, you can do this!” Star Swirl splashed herself with another hoofful of water from the sink, clearing away a few more cobwebs from her tired mind. The events of the past hour raced past in her mind like the pages of a rather awful story. Had she really tried the coconut trick on the king of the unicorns? What was all that about trifles? And what the hay did she think she was doing?
The comforting weight of the moneybags against her sides gave her the answer. She had the gold, that beautiful precious gold. Nothing else mattered, now all she needed to do was keep both it and her head.
She took a step back and looked at herself in a large, ornate mirror, taking some time to adjust her beard. Thankfully the guards had seemed unwilling to follow her in to the bathroom and so she had at least a brief moment to be herself. The room itself was a minor miracle – white tiled walls, private cubicles, mirrors everywhere, and even running water! It was like magic (and probably was). There was no expense spared, even the handles on the taps were made out of gold. Or at least they were until Star Swirl removed them to put in her moneybag. She looked around the room for more detachable fittings. At any moment the guards would drag her out and force her to perform magic in front of the king, she would be discovered to be a fraud and potentially executed. If she was to die, she would make sure she would die as rich as possible.
She was just removing a golden plaque next to the towel rail, when she was startled by a trotting of hooves into the bathroom, and she dived into a nearby cubicle, slamming the door shut behind her.
Sitting down on the closed toilet seat, she covered her face in despair. Greed. That was what had led her to this place. Her granddad had always warned her that she never knew when to stop. For all their differences she missed that grumpy old stallion. He’d know what to do. He wouldn’t be sitting in the bathroom of a royal palace dressed as a wizard and about to be ripped apart by a hundred angry unicorns.
The thought of her fate sent another shiver down Star Swirl’s spine. Would it be quick? Would they make an example of her? The bags of gold pressing against her body were now a demonstration of just how big a hole she had dug for herself. As panic welled in her chest she found herself hyperventilating again, loud, rasping breaths. The tears suddenly came thick and fast. She started to thump her hooves against the bathroom door in a loud rhythm to control herself. “Come on Star Swirl!” she muttered , rocking back and forth against the wall. “You can do it! You can do it!” She gulped hard, half-gasping out with a sob as tears ran down her hot cheeks. “I don’t want to die!”
“Um…” there was a gentle rapping on the door. “Are you okay in there? Are you ah, having problems? I recommend prune juice.”
Star Swirl immediately stopped her self-pity and froze in panic. The voice from outside was most definitely female. The realisation slowly dawned on Star Swirl that she had wandered into the ladies loos, which was understandable given that she was a mare. But Star Swirl the Bearded wasn’t!
The hooves knocked on the door again. “I say, you’ve gone all quiet, do you need help?”
Star Swirl took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her blotchy eyes. She remembered something the king had said after the coconut trick, about how her ‘teleportation’ of the stone hadn’t fooled him. They thought Star Swirl was a unicorn, and so saw a sleight-of-hoof trick as actual magic. She thought of something else her grandfather had told her. She knew what she had to do.
She flung the door open and stared at a young mare who leaped back in surprise at seeing a bearded wizard in a cubicle in the ladies’ toilets. “Apologies madam!” Star Swirl uttered confidently. “I, Star Swirl the Bearded, greatest wizard of the age had teleported myself to the furthest star to harvest the essence of twilight. It seems given the great distance, I misjudged where I would teleport back to. Good day!” She gave her cloak and impressive swirl and marched out of the door.
“O-oh… that’s quite okay…” the mare called after her.
Star Swirl trotted out to the guards, ignoring their quizzical looks. The outside of the door did indeed have the silhouette of a mare on it. “It’s a wizard thing!” she announced to the guards, puffing out her chest. “You wouldn’t understand. Now, I believe the king is waiting for me?”
The words of her granddad stood out loud and clear in her mind:
If you’re going to lie, make it so big, so ridiculous, so outrageous, that nopony could even comprehend that you might not be telling the truth.
***
This time, there was no fanfare. Star Swirl didn’t wait for the stumbling court announcer to declare her entrance as she strode boldly into the throne room, clearing her throat loudly. “Star Swirl the Bearded has returned to dazzle and amaze!” she shouted to the king at the other end of the room.
King Caractacus was lying on his throne, giving off an occasional snorting, snoring noise. Princess Platinum was slumped in her own throne, idly filing her hooves. The reason for this became apparent as Star Swirl approached them, noticing a quivering Puddinghead standing in front of the royal family, her voice nervously wittering on about something.
“A-and so we earth ponies thought it might be nicer for everyone if we paid less tribute, because ah, because we’re all friends and friends get along well, and Chancellor Mudhooves really wants to be best friends and have a tea party…” She immediately stopped talking as Star Swirl approached, shrinking backwards.
Star Swirl quickly ran her eyes over her fellow earth pony. Puddinghead was nominally the Vice Chancellor of the earth ponies, though did not share nearly as much support as Mudhooves. In fact after the success of her Mudhooves portraits, Star Swirl had a consignment of Puddinghead portraits printed up. To say they did not sell well was an understatement, but it was not a total loss: with a bit of creative carpentry she had managed to sell them as novelty litter trays for cats.
The king suddenly made a great show of awaking with a start, stretching out his hooves with an exaggerated. “Ah, Star Swirl!” he roared in appreciation. “You’ve saved me from Puddingface’s attempts to cure my insomnia!”
Star Swirl gave a bow, her cloak billowing behind her thanks to a quick and stylish flick of the tail. “At your service your majesty!” she beamed, sending a quick smug smile to Puddinghead, who shuffled meekly out of the way. “Shall I explode her head for you?”
Puddinghead gave a squeak of shock, but it was a calculated, empty threat. The king just waved it off. “No no, can’t have mud pony stains on my carpet!” He rocked forwards on his hooves. Platinum’s interest seemed to have increased too, and she put away her file. “Now, about this magic show!”
“Oh no, not a show…” Star Swirl turned to address the entire court, which had slowly fallen into a hushed silence after her arrival. “This will be an experience! A life-changing event the likes of which none of you will have never seen before. If it pleases your majesty, I will cast a medley of the greatest spells in my itinerary! The Light of Drachma! The Forbidden Chalice! Even the…” she faltered. “Even the Uncertain Kitten!”
The king had perked up at this, rubbing his hooves in anticipation. “Oh, I must say, that does sound fantastic. I’ve ah… I’ve not seen the Uncertain Kitten for years, I’m sure!” To Star Swirl’s wry satisfaction, even the laid-back Platinum had seemed enthralled at the announcement.
“Of course!” Star Swirl continued. “This will be the finest display of magic ever seen in Unicornia! My manipulations of magical auras will be so advanced, so complex, that only unicorns of the most noble blood and refined magical taste such as your majesty will be able to see it!”
“Yes yes, splendid!” The king grinned widely, levitating a nearby goblet into the air and hurling it at an unsuspecting Puddinghead’s head. “Hear that Puddingbrain? Your mud pony brain won’t be clever enough to see this spectacle!” There was a startled yelp as the goblet impacted on Puddinghead. “Star Swirl, please, proceed!”
“By your command!” Star Swirl took a deep, respectful bow and slowly raised her hooves. This was it, the big gamble. She could hear the collected intake of breath from the court as all the gathered nobles of Unicornia awaited the show. Star Swirl continued to hold her hooves in the air in silence. Nothing happened. There was a long, awkward period of quiet as the watching audience peered above Star Swirl in confusion, straining their eyes to see any glimpse of the promised magic.
A sudden applause burst out from the king’s throne, breaking the silence. “Oh yes!” the king bellowed enthusiastically. “Oh yes, I do say, that is excellent stuff, very advanced! Very subtle!” The king’s clapping was very soon joined by a smattering of other claps from around the court, slow and polite at first, but then building in volume as more and more of the courtiers, glancing around at their fellows, joined in.
Soon the room was a din of rapturous applause, and gasps of astonishment. Star Swirl could see various unicorns pointing above her, muttering to their peers about her techniques, and nodding enthusiastically. Even the king’s advisors were joining in, each keenly telling each other about Star Swirl’s techniques, each attempting to outdo the other with their knowledge of her magic.
“Oh yes, very nice!” she heard Greybeard tell the king. “I mean, I could do that of course.” The old pony strained his eyes as if hoping to actually see something. “It’s an excellent ah, Uncertain Kitten, I’ll give him that!”
There was no magic show of course. The entire court was applauding the empty air above Star Swirl’s head. But none of them were prepared to believe that there was no magic – Star Swirl’s credentials had been proven by her past exploits, there was no reason to doubt she was casting advanced magic, ergo the advanced magic must be there, only they were unable to see it, and no pony wanted to admit that they weren’t noble or clever enough to see the show. The lie was just too big not to be true.
As the cheers grew and grew, Star Swirl started to wave her hooves with great gusto as if building to a massive climax, and then she collapsed onto the floor in mock-exhaustion. “Your majesty!” she puffed as if having undergone a great exertion.
“Bravo, bravo!” King Caractacus continued to clap in a standing ovation, and the room roared its agreement. Princess Platinum was sitting bolt upright, her eyes shining bright as she watched Star Swirl. Star Swirl turned to bow to each area of the court in turn, receiving too many calls of admiration and praise to parse, feeling the pride welling up in her chest. The sea pony even blew her a kiss from her mobile tank, causing a slight crimson blush to spread across Star Swirl’s cheeks.
It was only Puddinghead who didn’t seem to share in the celebration, instead fixing Star Swirl with a baleful scowl and ducking out towards the back of the room with the Goatlandian ambassador, presumably to drown their sorrows. Star Swirl didn’t really care though; the elation of her victory had her fired up. She had done it! Two bags of gold and she’d tricked the entire court of Unicornia! There was nothing she couldn’t do! Nothing!
“Star Swirl!” the king boomed out, his rich, authoritative voice immediately quieting the applause from the court. “That was absolutely spectacular! We invite you to stay in the palace as our guest! We would see more of your powers, and we are sure that you could teach our advisors a thing or two about magic!” He gave a quick glare towards Greybeard who sat down on his haunches, looking slightly shamefaced. “Some large gaps in their knowledge of magic have come to light, which we are sure you can fill!” The king considered slightly. “You can have the eastern tower. We do believe it has been empty ever since Starshine the Unready blew himself up with that bootleg Zebrian spell book!”
“Ah now…” Star Swirl shook her head. She had planned to make her escape with the gold. It wouldn’t do to tempt fate and risk her being uncovered as a fraud, not now that she had her gold.
“…And of course you would get a monthly bursary of half a bag of gold, for living expenses” the king continued.
“Yes!” Star Swirl’s mouth responded before her brain had a chance to stop her. Fate could afford to be tempted a bit more when easy gold was on offer. “I mean, I would be honoured to serve, your majesty!” She could just lock herself in her room for a few months, pop out to perform some more fake magic and then leave with more gold than she had ever dreamed of. A rich, easy life soon unfurled before Star Swirl, enticing her forward with dreams of luxury.
“Obviously you’d be expected to take on a student too, but I’m sure a wise scholar like yourself wouldn’t find that much of a hassle!” The king waved to a nearby courtier. “Quick, bring me the best and brightest students of magic!”
“Ah…” Star Swirl tugged on her beard nervously. Having a pony following her about all the time, especially one adept in magic and eager to learn would surely soon mark her out as a fraud. “… I wouldn’t want to interfere with the studies of any of your students, I’m not university accredited.”
“Nonsense, nonsense!” The king rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry Star Swirl; a wizard of your calibre should be more than suitable for a teaching role! Don’t be modest!”
“Oh. Good.” Star Swirl muttered glumly, regretting her earlier decision not to just run with the gold. “I can’t wait to begin!”
“Then it’s settled!” King Caractacus rolled forward on his cushion, and then paused, narrowing his eyes. “What?” he exclaimed, his voice tinged with anger “is that?”
Star Swirl noticed that the king was pointing past her to her cart, which was still sitting next to her. To her horror, she noticed that sitting atop all the junk and bric-a-brac there was a beaming portrait of the earth pony Chancellor Mudhooves. “Oh…” she trailed off, suddenly aware that the atmosphere had changed instantly from pleasant to downright nasty. “Oh, that’s a gift for you, of course!”
“A gift?” roared the king, leaping to his hooves as if to summon a legion of guards to drag Star Swirl to the deepest dungeon and give her head a long vacation from her neck.
“Of course!” Star Swirl smoothly picked up the portrait and trotted over to the horrified king with it. “It’s a magical target, sire, to ensure that your weapons will strike true should ever the need for war arise!”
The portrait was snatched out of Star Swirl’s grasp by the king, who telekinetically floated it up to his face, breaking into a wide grin. “Marvellous!” he boomed. “A perfect gift! Could you make more for my army?”
Star Swirl gave a quick glance to a large cardboard box at the back of her cart, full of unsold portraits. “Oh, I’m sure I could, your majesty. If, of course, I could be reimbursed for the cost in creating these rare objects!”
“You see this!” The king floated the portrait above his head, calling after the still departing Puddinghead. “Unicorn technology! Bet you wish you had magic instead of sticks or whatever it is you have!” The entire room joined the king in laughing at the departing earth pony. Star Swirl even found herself laughing along, though it was a rather uncomfortable laugh that came from her mouth. Puddinghead and Beardius finally pushed through the throng of unicorn nobles towards the exit and left without a word.
As the earth pony departed, the courtier returned, trailing behind him half a dozen eager scholarly looking unicorns. Star Swirl’s heart sunk – they all looked rather clever.
“My lord!” the courtier chirped out in clipped tones, bowing to the king before turning to Star Swirl. “Star Swirl. Please find a selection of the most brilliant minds our city has to offer. I am sure any one of them will prove to me a most fitting student for your arts!”
The students all lined up before Star Swirl and the king, each of them trying to catch her eye with their neatly coiffured manes and pressed robes. Star Swirl looked to the king, who gave a proud nod, and then stepped towards the first student. “So, ah…” she began. “What makes you think you’re worthy to be my apprentice?”
The pony in front of her stood to rapt attention. “Sunset Studies at your service sir! I have mastered over twenty seventh level spells and feel that together we could discover-“He trailed off as Star Swirl wandered over to the next pony.
“Next!”
The next hopeful student, a fiery yellow mare with large black rimmed glasses and covered in various medallions raised a brow coolly. “Midnight Oil, holder of three first-class degrees in magical research, winner of the awards for best young talent three years in a row. I am certain that I am the perfect candidate to learn all-“
“Yeah, no…” Star Swirl continued down the line, shaking her head at each stunningly qualified candidate. They were all so smart. And smart often meant dangerous in her books. Finally, after chatting to perfect student after perfect student, she reached the end of the line, and took a step back at the sight that met her. Standing next to the row of immaculately dressed students was a slightly smaller green mare, dressed in a simple crumpled black outfit and staring away from Star Swirl. She could have only been a few years younger than Star Swirl, but in demeanour she couldn’t have been further apart.
“Ahem.” Star Swirl cleared her throat. The pony didn’t respond. “Ahem! And you are?” Star Swirl said a bit more loudly, aware that the eager eyes of the court were still on her, waiting to see her choose her student.
The pony looked around confused and then as if seeing Star Swirl for the first time, blinked. “Me?” she squeaked.
“Yes, you!” Star Swirl gave an exasperated sigh. “Tell me about how great you are at magic!”
The pony looked as if she had been caught in the headlights of a runaway cart. “Oh, ah… I’m Clover sir!” she muttered, tugging at the neck of her robe. “And I… I want to be a great wizard, I do!” Her eyes suddenly shone with enthusiasm. “I saw your show just now; it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! But,” her face fell. “I’m not that good at magic, I failed all my exams. I think I know where I went wrong though! If I could just have another chance!” She looked up at Star Swirl full of hope.
Star Swirl stroked her beard, considering the offer. If she had to have a pony following her about, it would be far better to have a sufficiently stupid pony who wouldn’t realise if they were being fed complete rubbish, and this Clover seemed to fit the bill perfectly. She looked over Clover’s awkward, unkempt form a bit more critically, and then paused, feeling a breath catch in her throat. Around Clover’s neck was hung an incredibly ornate golden necklace, completely at odds with her plain appearance. It wasn’t just the gold that caught her eye though; it was the jewel inset into the centre. A brilliant blue midnight sapphire, she could recognise it by sight. It was one of the most precious jewels imaginable - it would fetch over twenty bags of gold easily if the right buyer could be found - and here it was hanging idly on a unicorn’s neck. Perhaps such riches were commonplace here? Or perhaps the silly pony didn’t realise what she had?
“Hey, that’s a nice trinket,” Star Swirl smiled warmly, pointing to Clover’s neck. “Mind if I have a look?”
Clover’s eyes trembled and a hoof went to her neck. “O-oh no, that’s a family heirloom!” she whispered back. “I’m not supposed to take it off….”
“Not a problem,” Star Swirl responded with her warmest grin, a greedy sparkle in her eye. “Clover, I think we could have a wonderful future together. I can see our time together proving very… valuable.” Slowly, she led Clover by the hoof to the king. “My liege, I have chosen my student!”
The king looked at Star Swirl in surprise, peering around and over Clover. “I… ah… I don’t understand…” he muttered. A courtier quickly darted forward with a look of concern and muttered in the king’s ear. The king gave a double take. “Star Swirl…” he gave a loud harrumph. “That’s the cleaner.”
Star Swirl suddenly saw that all the noble unicorns were staring at her in bemusement. She also noticed that the outfit Clover was wearing did resemble a cleaner’s outfit somewhat. There was a mop and bucket lying on the floor beside the line-up of students where Clover had been busy cleaning a stubborn stain out of the floor. That was why she had looked distracted and distant, and how she had seen her magic show when the other students hadn’t yet arrived.
Clover shrunk back before the king and blushed bright. “C-Clover the Cleaner,” she murmured. “I’m sorry…” she started to slink away. “I’ll go back to cleaning…”
Star Swirl suddenly gripped the shy pony and pulled her forwards. She wasn’t about to let the riches around her neck go so easily. “Oh no, your majesty!” she retorted, striding forwards and presenting Clover again. “For you see, my mystical powers have detected within this young mare such raw potential and power the like of which I have never seen before!”
Clover looked shocked at this, and then a wide smile broke over her face. The king nodded sagely at Star Swirl’s words, apparently satisfied. “Very well!” he exclaimed. “Star Swirl the Bearded, you shall take this young pony, Clover the Cleaner under your tutelage!”
“No, not Clover the Cleaner!” Star Swirl regarded Clover with the most lofty look she could conjure up. “Clover the Clever! For she is such a clever pony!” Clover started to shake with joy, cupping a hoof over her mouth. Star Swirl’s eyes were once more drawn to the glittering jewel that hung invitingly around her neck.
Half a bag of gold a month to live in luxury, time enough to somehow con the vulnerable young Clover out of her necklace, and Star Swirl would be set for life. The entire court burst into one loud, long round of applause as Star Swirl started to bow, turning around and giving a winning grin at every pony in the room. All of them looked so happy, so awed by her presence. Clover beside her, half sobbing with palpable happiness and pride.
Star Swirl grinned a dark grin. It was almost too easy. She would take them for all they had.
Star Swirl stood back as the guard heaved her wooden cart up the narrow spiral staircase that seemed to stretch up forever. There were clatters and bangs and several items looked like they were about to topple off. Every so often, something looked like it would fall, and Star Swirl had to deftly rush up the stairs to balance the runaway item back on top.
“Could you uh, could you not use your magic to teleport it?” The guard’s voice was strained. Star Swirl could see that the guard had enveloped the cart in a weak magical field to aid with the lifting, but was having to pull most of it by hoof.
“There’s nothing wrong with good honest work, that’s what I always say!” Star Swirl called up around the stairwell as she continued to climb. “Besides, I’m holding onto the back end!” She continued to trot upwards, making no effort to help push the difficultly sized object up the stairs. The surrealism of the day’s events still stuck in her mind, and she kept having to shake her tired head to make sure it wasn’t all a dream. The king had bade her leave to settle down in her new lodgings and her new student had gone to pack her belongings to move in the next day, meaning that the night was Star Swirl’s.
She was going to do a lot of sleeping. And counting money. But mainly sleeping.
“Made it!” The guard reached the top of the stairs and collapsed. With an almighty crash, the cart that she was hauling continued to move, toppling onto the poor pony and covering her with a wide array of goods.
Star Swirl shook her head in annoyance as she edged past the spilt cart onto the landing area, starting to lift her precious possessions back into place, inspecting each one intently. “I hope there’s nothing broken!” she exclaimed, narrowing her eyes.
The guard picked herself up, dislodging a few items which bounced down the stairs. “No no, I’m fine, don’t worry about me!” she chirped happily, moving a few of the fallen items back into the cart. “Always looking out for me, aren’t you Mr Swirl?”
At last confident that her stock was still intact, Star Swirl took a step back and stared at the guard. There was something strangely familiar about the blue unicorn with the slightly lighter blue mane clad in battered armour that stood in front of her. “I’ve met you before, haven’t I?” Star Swirl muttered with a twinge of recognition.
“Oh yes sir!” the guard chirped, giving a quick salute. “Blueberry Fizz at your service! I ah, was there when you killed all those goats, Mr Swirl! Got a promotion out of it, officer of the palace now!” She gave a nervous cough and tugged at the collar of her armour. “Truth of the matter is, I did… exaggerate my part in all that to the king a bit, maybe embellished things to make myself look better…”
Star Swirl was slightly taken aback at this; she was expecting at least some sort of rebuttal as to her reported actions the previous night. Then again it had been dark. She graciously waved a hoof. “No, don’t worry, I don’t mind sharing a small amount of the glory!”
Blueberry gave a small sigh of relief, using a burst of magic to fish a large bundle of keys from within her armour, trying each one in turn in the door. “That’s a relief, Red thought I’d get in trouble but she’s always worrying about me.” She gave a wink at Star Swirl. “But if the king asks, I took down half a dozen goats, right?”
Star Swirl just retorted with what she thought was the best approximation of a stubborn frown. “Lying will always get you into trouble, young pony!” she uttered in an attempt at sage wisdom. “But to protect your honour I am happy to bend the truth slightly.” She waggled a hoof. “But believe me, no good ever comes from lying,” At that moment, the lock on the door finally clicked and the door swung open, to reveal a sumptuous room decorated in silks and tapestries, with shelves full of precious ornaments and scrolls.
“Starshine the Unready’s lodgings!” Blueberry proudly announced, following a slightly stunned Star Swirl into the room.
Star Swirl picked her jaw up off the floor as she looked around, taking in the details. She had expected a small, functional room rather than a complete suite. Doors led off the main sitting area, but even the front room was bigger than her entire cabin at home. She trotted over to a nearby painting, mentally calculating the value. “And it’s… all mine?” she asked again, in slight disbelief.
“Sure, well, Starshine is hardly likely to come back for it, is he?” Blueberry gave a quick roll of her eyes, and pointed at a far door. “That’s Starshine’s room, now yours of course…” she sauntered around, indicating various items of interest. “That’s Starshine’s scroll collection, that’s Starshine’s couch, that’s Starshine’s spice rack…”
Turning around, Star Swirl narrowed her eyes at the centre of the room. “And, uh, what’s that?” she nodded hesitantly towards a suspicious looking stain in the middle of the carpet.
“Oh, that’s Starshine!” Blueberry cheerfully wandered over to the burnt patch that marred the room somewhat; a dusting of charcoal in the shape of a pony, which had a chalk line drawn around it, and was cordoned off with a tape that read “DO NOT CROSS”.
“Okay…” Star Swirl stared down at the remains of the room’s former occupant. “I… I guess I can put a rug over it or something.”
“That’s the spirit!” Blueberry grinned, beginning to give Star Swirl a playful punch on the side before thinking better of it and withdrawing her hoof. “Now don’t you go immolating yourself with dangerous magic spells!”
Star Swirl gave a knowing smile. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem…” She stifled a quick yawn, eager to finally get some rest. “Now, if that’s everything…?”
“Oh of course of course…” Blueberry trailed off, looking slightly sheepish and plucking a blank sheet of paper and a quill from her armour. “Just one thing… could you give me your autograph?” She hovered the paper in front of Star Swirl, a hopeful gleam in her eyes.
“Fine, that’ll be…” Star Swirl shook her head. She could afford to be generous to this pony, who had at least helped embellish her reputation somewhat. “That’ll be fine!”
“Oh brilliant!” Blueberry gave a little leap of joy, then a slightly shifty look came across her features. “Can you sign it to ‘Dear Successful Bidder’. That’s my auntie, she loves collecting the autographs of famous wizards!” she explained quickly.
Star Swirl gripped the quill in her mouth, and then slowly lowered it with a disapproving stare. “Good try, but here’s a tip. Never show your hoof too early. It’s signed to you or nothing.” She quickly scribbled Blueberry’s name on the paper and then autographed her name underneath. There was only room for one money-grabbing pony in the castle, and she wasn’t about to help a rival.
A slightly disappointed Blueberry took the signature, and soon Star Swirl was alone in her room. Placing her hooves on a window ledge, she looked out across the vast expanse of the city below her, and closed her eyes, taking in a large breath of mountain air. “Who’s a clever pony?” she smirked to herself.
Blueberry slowly trotted down the spiral staircase, the paper tucked safely into the front of her armour. It was good to have the autograph of such a powerful wizard, she considered. But she could never understand why it was always so difficult to convince celebrities to sign things for auntie Successful Bidder’s collection.
***
That night, Star Swirl had one of the best sleeps she had ever had in her life. The bedroom was as similarly massive as the front room, and featured heavy wooden wardrobes which seemed to be full of wizards robes, shelves upon shelves full of books and mysterious objects, and even a gold-rimmed full length mirror.
Most important however, was the bed. It was easily twice as big as anything Star Swirl had ever slept on, with a huge soft mattress that seemed to be stuffed with goose feathers rather than the hay stuffing that she was used to. The pillows were similarly luxurious, but that night Star Swirl slept with two large bags of gold as pillows. It was less comfortable, but far, far more satisfying.
Waking up was another matter entirely.
Star Swirl jolted upright, her mane frizzing out at all angles as the incessant cacophony of an alarm clock woke her from her peaceful slumber. “You have got to be kidding me!” she muttered, tumbling out of bed, the bags of money she was hugging falling onto the floor with her.
The room was pitch-black as she stumbled about hunting for the alarm. It was as if a pony was frantically pounding on a rather large bell in her ear. She soon located a candlestick by the side of her bed, and failing to find any matches, hurled it in the general direction of the ringing noise.
There was a crash as something fell off a shelf, and the pitch of the ringing changed. Taking that as a direct hit, Star Swirl galloped in the direction of the noise, stopping only to smash her head on the wall. At her feet she could feel a rather large, vibrating alarm clock which was still blaring away. Star Swirl did the only logical thing. She started to stamp on it.
“Shut up!” she wailed, her hooves pounding away at the fallen clock, feeling it splinter into smaller and smaller parts as she trod on it, the ringing noise becoming distorted and shallower. “Starshine, you bastard! If you hadn’t set fire to yourself, I would have!” Shaking her head, she carefully picked up the remains of the clock which was now making a ‘doink’ noise and wandered over to the window, which was visible only from the dim light of the stars outside which cast an ethereal pallor into the room.
Star Swirl threw the clock out of the window with a heavy sigh. “It’s not even light yet!” she bemoaned, looking out at the dark city beneath her. “Why would anypony set their alarm so early? This guy must’ve been crazy!”
The city wasn’t dark though. Star Swirl could see specks of light start to pop up all over the mountainous cityscape. At first one or two per mountainside, then more until the mountains surrounding the palace were awash with light. Blues, purples, yellows; colours of every sort seemed to be glowing from every window of every building.
At first Star Swirl thought that the unicorns had all lit candles in their windows as part of some strange unicorn ritual, but as the glowing auras became brighter, dappling the stone buildings that stretched for miles across the mountain range with light, she realised what was going on.
There was magic in the air.
In each window of each building was a unicorn, their horns glowing with energy which seemed to crackle and swirl into the darkness. Then, from across the far horizon there was an orange glow as if the world itself was on fire. The blackness gave way to purples and oranges, as slowly the sun began to rise, its light spilling over the land in a tidal wave of colour. Star Swirl could almost feel her heart stopping at the sight of the city raising the sun, the unimaginable energy of the unicorn race pouring forth as one.
Slowly the lights from the city blinked off as the sun began to naturally rise in the sky, and Star Swirl gazed out, feeling the first rays of morning sunshine prick at her cheeks, the warbling of the dawn chorus beginning to drift across the peaks. It was the beginnings of a beautiful day, a day in which anything was possible. One of boundless opportunities where every second was precious.
Star Swirl closed the curtains and went back to bed.
***
Star Swirl’s sleep was interrupted yet again by another racket, this time sounding like there was a pony in the front room smashing up the shelves. Her eyes flickered open in alarm and she instinctively checked that the moneybags lying in her bed were intact. Blinking unsteadily against the warm daylight that streamed into the window, Star Swirl thudded her body off the bed and considered her options, pressing her ear against the door.
There was another tinkling noise from beyond the doorframe. Star Swirl furrowed her brow. Perhaps it was a burglar, here to steal all her money? If so, locking herself safely in her bedroom wouldn’t do much good. It could even be that goat ambassador, come after her for revenge for some imaginary insult such as exploding the heads of three thousand hypothetical goats. Star Swirl looked back towards her bed upon which lay her hard earned moneybags. She wasn’t going to let them go without a fight.
“I should warn you!” she bellowed out from the protection of the closed door. “I’m the greatest wizard in all of Unicornia. Also I have a sock with half a brick in it, and I’m not afraid to use it!” With a quick twinge, she remembered that she kept her brick sock in her cart, which was currently sitting in the front room, an easy target for any prospective thief.
Whilst her first instinct would be to try to barricade the door somehow and clamber out the window, the thought of leaving her hard-earned possessions to the mercy of a thief seemed… wrong somehow. She had worked hard to buy or ‘find’ them all; there was a principle at stake! More importantly, the huge drop beneath the window looked pretty dizzying.
Reattaching her trusty beard and horn, Star Swirl rolled her shoulders, took a deep breath, and burst out of her bedroom with a yell.
She ground to a halt almost immediately. Standing in her front room was a familiar green pony who was clumsily levitating a large cardboard box across the room, leaving a path of devastation in its wake as it swung wildly from side to side. With a crash, the box impacted on the nearest shelf, causing a torrent of scrolls and vases to impact on the pony’s head, one by one.
“Hello Clover,” Star Swirl gave a scowl as she watched valuable ornament after valuable ornament shatter on the unicorn’s skull. She slowly trotted over to where her new apprentice lay, shaking her head. She wasn’t much to look at: a slight build, an unkempt pale mane, and a look of bemusement on her face, though that may have been due to having half the contents of the shelves dropped on top of her. Most importantly though, Clover was extremely plain, hardly the sort of pony Star Swirl would look twice at. It would, she considered wryly, keep the temptation to throw off her disguise for an ill-advised tryst to a complete minimum.
“Hi Star Swirl sir!” Clover leapt to her feet, wincing as several more vases shattered due to the movement. She looked around herself in confusion, carefully stepping away from the pile of broken crockery and crumbling scrolls, each step causing another costly-sounding crunch. “I ah, just a little moving in problem!” she squeaked out, doing her best to avoid eye contact. “I’ll pay for the damages, don’t worry!”
“Oh, no…” Star Swirl began nonchalantly, and then trailed off. Clover was still wearing that valuable necklace, it might help to build up her debt. “Don’t worry about that now, you can pay later…” Star Swirl flashed a warm smile and attempted to casually peer into Clover’s box in case any more jewels lay inside. It was disappointingly sparse, containing only a pile of clothes and envelopes, what looked like a small collection of soft toys and a single book.
“Oh!” Clover’s face flushed bright red as she saw Star Swirl looking in her box. “I’m sorry, I don’t really have much. I only have one magic book too, it was handed to me by my parents; they could never afford to get me all the textbooks on the university reading lists…” She trailed off, looking glum, her magic swirling around the book and plucking it from the box and into her hooves, where she hugged it slightly shame facedly.
“Nonsense!” Star Swirl gave a reassuring tap on the side to Clover, mentally processing the pony’s words as she did so. If Clover’s family was poor, that meant she didn’t realise how precious her necklace was, and that made it all the more likely she could convince her to part with it if she could ingratiate herself with Clover. “I mean, even now whenever I sit down and want to have a good read about magic, I pull out my copy of…” she leaned forwards to look at the title of Clover’s book “…The Junior Encyclopaedia Of Magic With Extra Pictures And No Hard Words.”
Clover’s bottom lip wobbled as she looked down at her book. “You’re just saying that to be nice!” she wailed out, letting go of the book, which hovered upwards in front of Star Swirl with a flash of magic, opening up to reveal printed pages completely covered in scrawled pen marks. “I tried though, I tried and I tried, I really did!” She broke eye contact with Star Swirl, scrunching her face up. “I-I thought you might want to take a look at my notes and tell me where I went wrong and…” her voice trailed off into a whisper as she stared intently at the floor.
Star Swirl looked at the quivering Clover, and coming to a decision, tugged the book out of her magical field. “I’ll get right on it!” she quipped back, watching Clover’s face break into a small smile. “Now, I must get back to my magical studies, it is only…” she looked at the large grandfather clock which sat at the far end of the room “…3pm.” Star Swirl grimaced. She had slept longer than she thought. The only answer to this problem was more sleep. “Do not wake – disturb – me from my meditations for another three hours!”
Clover brightened up slightly as Star Swirl took the book, looking at her with wide eyes. “I can start to learn now sir, what’s my first lesson?” she chirped out.
With a shake of her head Star Swirl looked at the shattered remains of her shelving that lay around Clover. “You can start by unpacking. Then I have a task for you which will utilise your special skills to their maximum!”
“Do you mean my innate magical ability?” Clover started to bounce up and down slightly in excitement.
“No Clover. I want you to clean up that mess.” Star Swirl waved a hoof in the direction of the broken shelves. “And then I want you to get rid of that!” She pointed towards the remains of Starshine.
Clover slunk over to the stain in the centre of the room and peered at it suspiciously, pawing at the burnt charcoal. “I… guess so…” she muttered, her face falling. “Is this one of those ‘learn to be humble’ things sir? Because I mean, I’ve done a lot of that working as a cleaner for the past year and thought maybe we could skip that bit?”
“No no no!” Star Swirl shook her head firmly. “I think you need about ten more humble points Clover, trust me on this!” She stifled a yawn and gave a slow stretch of her back. “Now, meditation calls!”
With a twinkle of magic, Clover’s box started to levitate, swinging from side to side wildly again. It then crashed to the ground as Clover gave a little start. “Oh!” she exclaimed with a sudden burst of realisation. “That reminds me! One of the palace messengers said he had something for you, but you wouldn’t open the door. I guess you were in a magical trance or something!”
Clover turned her attention to a small scroll that had been carefully placed on a side table. The scroll sparkled and floated into the air, unfurling itself in front of Star Swirl. Clover beamed proudly at her skill in undertaking such a simple magical feat.
Star Swirl barely registered Clover as her eyes roved over the scroll, a smile slowly breaking over her face. “…And when you’ve finished that Clover, get the iron out! My robes need to be perfect!” Twirling around on the spot, Star Swirl dropped the scroll on the floor and headed back to bed.
As Star Swirl’s bedroom door clicked shut, Clover looked about and curiously trotted over to the fallen scroll, peering at it.
KING CARACTACUS HEREBY DEMANDS THE PRESENCE OF:
STAR SWIRL THE BEARDED PLUS GUEST
TO DINE AT THE GREAT HALL THIS EVENING.
PLEASE FORWARD ANY APOLOGIES TO THE ROYAL EXECUTIONER.
Clover considered this for a moment, and then beamed with unbounded excitement. “I’m going to need a new dress!”
Star Swirl did not merely walk to the Great Hall, she swaggered. Word obviously spread through the palace fast, and everywhere she walked she received a respectful nod or a courteous bow. Her strides were confident and powerful, her head was held high, her chest puffed out. The buzz she felt from such adoration was almost addictive, causing a heart swell of pride at every unicorn who acknowledged her superiority.
Clover was faring less well. The slightly smaller mare was scrambling along the castle corridors in an attempt to keep up with Star Swirl’s strides, hampered by the dress she wore which kept tangling around her hooves and tripping her up. Star Swirl turned for the umpteenth time to narrow her eyes at her assistant, who once more toppled head-first at her hooves.
“Sorry sir!” Clover squeaked, picking herself up. Whilst Star Swirl’s robes were hardly high-class, they were at least now ironed neatly. Clover on the other hoof was wearing a blue dress that was obviously several sizes too big for her, the hem dragging on the floor and tangling round her feet.
Star Swirl didn’t know much about style, but she knew the dregs of the bargain bin from a charity shop when she saw it. She stared at the clumsy Clover for a minute, watching her writhing about on the floor, attempting to untangle herself from the mess she had got herself in. There was a sudden painful tearing as one of her hooves came free. She gave a squeal and Star Swirl just shook her head. “Clover, get up!” She swung round, turning her head as she trotted towards the entrance to the Great Hall, determined to make an impression. “And Star Swirl will do, not sir. That’ll get old quick!”
Clover scurried to keep up with Star Swirl, her brow furrowing as she looked down at her dress. One of the front forehoof sleeves had ripped slightly, and was tearing further the more she moved. “I should probably go back to my room,” she whispered, slowing down to hang back slightly. “I’ve still not got that weird stain out of the floor completely…”
They were closer to the event now. Various ponies dressed in their fineries were trotting past them, chatting and laughing, and from the large open doorway to the Great Hall Star Swirl could hear a hubbub of activity, voices blending into a dull roar. She turned back to Clover, placing her forehooves on her shoulders. Maybe it was the endearing way Clover had taken to instantly trusting her, or maybe it was just the rush of power at having her own personal servant to fawn over her, but Star Swirl realised she didn’t want Clover to slink off jut yet. She looked deep into Clover’s large trembling pupils and gave a warm smile. “Clover, you look…” she trailed off, searching for the right word as she considered Clover’s cheap, creased and torn dress “…fantastic. If anypony stares at you, it’s because of how good you look, remember that! Now, stick with me kid and it’ll all be fine.”
Clover looked down at her dress, across at the beautifully dressed unicorns entering the hall, then back to Star Swirl. “I guess…” she crossed her front legs nervously, then her face took on a more determined focus and she nodded. “Yes. Yes, you’re right! At your side I feel like I can do anything!” She proudly marched next to Star Swirl as the two entered the bustling hall.
Star Swirl strutted through the doorway, taking in the sumptuous banqueting hall, and the groups of ponies standing around, chatting before the main event. She was about to reply to Clover, when something caught her eye. She waved her hoof dismissively at her companion. “Clover, go stand in a corner or get a drink or whatever. I’ve got something important to do!”
***
“Excuse me! Mind out! Watch it!” There was one pony in the castle that Star Swirl had been determined to speak to, and she wasn’t going to let a crowd of unicorns get in her way. She cantered forwards determinedly in a straight line towards her quarry, pushing past the various nobles and diplomats and distinguished guests. Even the elegant decorations of that vast room didn’t distract her, nor the sight of the massive table in the centre with room for easily one hundred ponies, already heaving with golden meal dishes as the servants prepared the feast. Her full attention was settled on one pony, and she would not deviate until she reached her.
“So, you’re a sea pony?” Star Swirl could feel herself bouncing uncontrollably as she blurted out the rather painfully obvious statement to the pony now in front of her in an attempt to attract her attention. There were already a few unicorns who had been talking to the sea pony ambassador, but Star Swirl hadn’t paid them much heed as she pressed her nose up to the tank. “I mean… obviously you’re a sea pony!” she laughed nervously as she tried to regain her composure. “But I never believed you were real…”
Up close, the sea pony’s carriage was even stranger. The wooden base had been carefully constructed, with complex pipes and metal levers jutting out at all angles, and a mild chugging noise pottering away inside from whatever device made the contraption work. It seemed to be built from driftwood and old timbers, and there was no obvious way that Star Swirl could see of steering it from within. The glass cylinder on top of the base was tall, higher than Star Swirl, and from inside she could see bubbles in the slightly murky water and all manner of reeds, sea weed and other assorted objects littered the bottom on top of a layer of sand. There was also a shimmering pink tail which caught and reflected the light almost as if it had sequins sewn into it, which gently swayed from side to side before her.
“Ah, Star Swirl, yes?” Craning her head up, Star Swirl could see the sea pony looking down at her from over the edge of the tank, her top hooves hooked over the edge to stop her from falling back in. Her wet, glistening mane hung over the side of her face as she smiled softly. “My people also thought land ponies were a myth until recently. I am the first sea pony to make the journey to the surface world.” Her voice was soft, smooth, with an almost sing-song quality and a slightly foreign twinge. “My name is Arcturus, Star Swirl. It is very good to meet such a powerful wizard. Our people would know more of magic, perhaps we could talk more closely.”
Star Swirl gulped slightly, aware that in her eagerness to converse with the strange pony she was not making an impressive showing. “I’d like that!” she croaked, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. “I guess being the only sea pony here must be lonely.”
Arcturus smiled and whipped back her hair, sending a spray of water across the room and into the face of a nearby unicorn. “Nonsense!” she half-laughed. “I find you unicorns such interesting company. And your castle is much like the sand castles back home. Of course, my husband is also here to pass the time on the long cold nights.”
“Oh…” Star Swirl attempted to push down any pangs of disappointment at this revelation. “That’s… nice…”
“Yes, here he is.” Arcturus let go of the sides of her tank and plunged back into the water, to emerge a few moments later with an oyster held in her hooves. “Lord Proteus!” She leaned down to Star Swirl to give a conspiratorial whisper. “It is a loveless marriage of convenience, but our union ensures peace across the blessed kelp fields.”
Star Swirl baulked at the oyster with confusion. “That’s… nice…” she repeated, not wanting to insult the sea pony and her oyster lover, but slightly weirded out by the situation. “Good to meet you… Proteus…” she reached up a hoof to the oyster in greetings, and Arcturus bumped the oyster against her.
“Ah good, he likes you!” Arcturus smiled. “He can be jealous when I talk to the nice unicorn stallions; many times it has nearly come to blows! He has such a wild temper!”
Star Swirl narrowed her eyes at the oyster. “I would… never fight an oyster…” she heard herself saying, mentally working out how a pony was supposed to battle a shellfish. The only method she could think of involved a bucket full of boiling water, and that seemed a bit one sided. Star Swirl liked to avoid violence where possible, but if the worst came to the worst, it was always preferable to have an advantage over your opponent. She considered that battling a small limbless inanimate object was perfect odds.
Thankfully, the rather strange conversation was interrupted by a roar of trumpets, and as one, all the unicorns in the room stopped their chatter and begun to calmly make their way to the assorted cushions that lay around the main dining table.
“Excuse me, I will take my leave!” Arcturus gave a half-bow as she dropped down inside her tank, the mechanism roaring into life and with a puff of steam, trundling away from Star Swirl towards a space at the table which was lacking in cushions, seemingly prepared specially for the ambassador. There were already others seated around it.
“But wait, where do I go?” Star Swirl called after the sea pony, trailing off as she turned, hearing her name being called.
“Star Swirl! Star Swirl!” It was Greybeard, the king’s chief advisor. He was motioning towards a spare place at the table in amongst a group of extremely old, extremely boring looking ponies.
Gritting her teeth, Star Swirl cantered over to where Greybeard and his fellow mystics were sitting, settling down on the cushion provided for her and eyeing the table in front. There was a vast array of dishes laid out: rare flowers, tender fruit and vegetables, more than Star Swirl could comprehend. Her idea of a satisfying dinner was a plate of fried hay followed by several rounds of cheap ale. She peered across the table, looking for Arcturus, eventually seeing her amongst the other ambassadors. She attempted a small wave of the hoof, but couldn’t seem to attract her attention. Every other pony present looked so refined, beautiful and elegant, whereas Greybeard’s gaggle of unicorns looked so… beardy.
“…And of course I came with Lady Primrose, she was glad of the invitation, but didn’t quite seem keen on sitting with us old codgers! Can’t imagine why, eh Star Swirl!” There was a jovial nudge in her sides and Star Swirl realised that Greybeard was speaking to her.
“Oh yes, ha ha, I can’t imagine why not,” Star Swirl deadpanned. Then she creased her brow as she processed the tail-end of Greybeard’s words. “Wait, so you just invited a random pony and they came?”
“Why of course!” Greybeard stroked his beard thoughtfully and smirked across at his fellow academics. “These events are a highlight of the social calendar, the king only has feasts every week or so. I’m hardly going to take my apprentice along as my guest, am I?” The bearded ponies that surrounded Star Swirl burst into a raucous laughter. Star Swirl started to join in, slightly hesitantly. The laughter stopped just as quickly, descending into an uneasy silence.
“There you are!” Star Swirl felt Clover flop onto the cushion next to her, squeezing into the gap with two glasses encased in a magical aura floating before her. “This is all very posh!” she beamed out as she tried to settle down, her dress making another tearing noise as she caught it under her haunches. “The waiter kept trying to give me alcohol but don’t worry Star Swirl, I got you water instead, I’m sure you want to keep your head clear for study and meditation!” She floated the glass towards Star Swirl’s plate. The base caught on the edge of the plate, sending the contents all over the table top and Star Swirl.
“Yes, thank you Clover…” Star Swirl muttered darkly, looking down as the water soaked into her robes. She waved Clover away as her apprentice tried to mop up the water with a napkin, and instead turned back to a rather perturbed looking Greybeard. “Of course, Greybeard,” she began. “How else would my apprentice learn if she was not with me at all times in order to understand how a true wizard must behave?”
“Quite…” Greybeard’s demeanour turned thoughtful as he looked over Star Swirl, and then over to the fumbling Clover, who was still trying to mop the spilt water off the table. “So Clover, how are your lessons going?”
Clover stopped and turned to Greybeard. “Oh great!” She smiled, then faltered. “Well, I mean I’ve not been taught any magic yet, there’s not really been the time, but I’ve been cleaning a nasty stain off the carpet! It’s going really well!”
“I see…” Greybeard’s eyes drilled into Star Swirl who shrunk back slightly at the wizard’s presence. “Do you really…” He was cut off as from the head of the vast table came a loud banging as the king stood up to address the hall.
There was an instant hush, and Star Swirl strained her eyes to see the distant figure of the king at the far side of the table as he repeatedly rapped his overflowing goblet on the table and called for hush. “My subjects!” he roared out, his gaze passing across each and every pony at the table. “My loyal, loyal subjects. How it warms my heart to see the great and good gathered before me once more. A toast! To Unicornia!”
The king raised his goblet, and around Star Swirl, all the ponies raised theirs with a twinkle of magic. She stared at her glass on the table, hoping no one would notice her not raising her glass. “…Unicornia” she mumbled out with the rest. She could see Princess Platinum next to her father, rolling her eyes and looking quite bored with the whole event.
“…And of course!” the king continued in his deep, rolling tones that effortlessly filled the entire vast room. “To our allies, the three pony kingdoms!”
“To the Three Kingdoms!” the room roared in agreement. Star Swirl quickly shuffled sideways, bumping into Clover so that her apprentice’s glass was now hovering in front of her. “…Kingdoms!” she muttered over Clovers protestations.
There was a cough from across the room, and Arcturus raised a hoof from her watery tank. “I think you will find, my lord!” she called out to King Caractacus, “that there are four pony kingdoms.”
The unicorns seated round the table looked at each other unsurely as the king was interrupted, but Caractacus took this in his stride, bursting out into a peal of laughter as if it were the most natural reaction in the world. “Of course, my dear, I was including the sea pony kingdom! There’s the sea ponies, the pegasus ponies, and the unicorns. I’d hardly call what the mud ponies have a kingdom. More…” he ruffled his beard “…a refugee camp!”
Hooves thumped the table in appreciation as a volley of laughter rippled up and down the seated ponies. Star Swirl noticed one pony near Arcturus who wasn’t laughing though. It was Puddinghead. The earth pony Vice Chancellor’s expression had turned dark as she glowered at the king, bristling at the laughter that surrounded her.
“I am pleased relationships between our two kingdoms have become so strong,” Arcturus continued to the king, ignoring the grimaces of Puddinghead. “I hope that soon we will be able to open up trade relations with Unicornia. We are more than willing to exchange your magical artefacts for our kelp!” There was a spray of water in the direction of Puddinghead as a string of kelp was whipped out of the tank, Arcturus holding it above her head proudly. “Kelp! Life-giving kelp! Delicious kelp! The most precious of all-“
“Yes yes yes, we can discuss that later!” The king frowned at the sight of the kelp, turning slightly green at the thought of consuming it. “Of course I…” He trailed off, doing a double take in slight annoyance. “Ambassador Thunderwing, will you please sit down!”
In between the Goatlandian ambassador and a unicorn noble, a grey pegasus was hovering in the air, wings slowly beating back and forth as she smirked at the king. “King Caractacus!” she announced, more to the room as to the king. “As you are well aware, it is not deemed fitting that the hooves of a pegasus should touch the dirty ground. I shall continue to hover at my place in the customary manner.”
“That’s a shame, because your plate’s down there!” the king grinned, pointing to the plate on the table below the pegasus ambassador. He looked across at the assembled guests, licking his lips slightly. “Now, if that is all, let the feast-“
“It’s earth pony, not mud pony!” Puddinghead had leapt to her hooves, her voice quavering slightly as she shouted at the king. All eyes turned to her as she stood shaking with pent-up frustration. “We respect you, I mean, we…” she waved her hoof at the table. “...our farms provided all the food you eat! Show us some respect! Show me some respect, I’m the vice chancellor, not just some random ambassador! That’s how much we respect you! And…” her voice started to break up “and if it is mud pony, then that is because we are all subjects of the glorious Chancellor Mudhooves, not because we live in mud and eat mud!”
Star Swirl found herself staring at the king, awaiting a response. Politics was something she tended to stay out o, though she couldn’t help but feel uneasy at the almost accusatory silence that had descended on the room, all aimed at Puddinghead for speaking out. The expression on the king’s face was unreadable, but then a wry smile broke across his mouth.
“Well, that is awkward, Puddingbrain,” he began, motioning towards a servant. “Because I was under the impression that you mud ponies did eat mud, and to show the proper respect, I had my staff prepare you a special meal!” The servant trotted over to Puddinghead, placing a golden dish in front of her, containing a rather suspicious looking brown substance. “For starters, mud pate, served on a bed of mud.”
As Puddinghead looked down at the plate in stunned silence, the king continued. “And for the main course, Tarte a la Boue!”
“That would be mud pie…” Puddinghead squeaked, shrinking into her cushion slightly at all the eyes currently on her.
“Correct!” the king beamed. “And for desert, I have had my chefs cook you a rhubarb surprise!”
Puddinghead paused. “I-is the surprise that it’s actually mud?” she ventured finally.
“Amazing! You’re not as dumb as you look!” The king stomped his hoof in appreciation as several of the unicorn nobles laughed derisively. “Now Puddingface, of course it is only now I realise you don’t actually eat mud, but I have had this meal prepared for you specially, and as you said, it is important to show the proper respect.” His voice turned to a silky-smooth rumble. “So show me some respect and eat your dinner.”
Puddinghead let out the beginnings of a stuttering retort as the king’s horn glowed with magic and a silver spoon floated down the length of a table towards her, planting itself firmly in the plate full of mud to the titters of some of the assembled guests. After what seemed an age of staring at the plate, she lifted her head to the king, a determined look on her face. “Fine!” she called out. “If this act will make you show equal respect, then I will eat the mud!” Scrunching up her eyes tightly, she leaned forwards and took a small mouthful from the place, her face instantly contorting as if she had eaten a rancid lemon.
The king’s laughter boomed across the room, and soon every pony was whooping and hollering as Puddinghead ate the mud. With a pang of disappointment, Star Swirl could see Princess Platinum leaning against her father as she convulsed with laughter. Only Clover seemed to not find it funny, looking away slightly from the display as if a pattern on the floor had suddenly become interesting. Star Swirl forced a few nervous laughs at Puddinghead’s predicament, nudging Clover to do the same for appearances sake.
“Oh, priceless, priceless!” the king exclaimed, gasping for breath. “I can’t believe you did that Puddingpants. What a silly little pony you are! Now!” he thumped his goblet on the table again. “I believe the rest of us have a proper meal to enjoy!”
Puddinghead leapt to her feet, running out of the room in tears, her face still caked with mud as the servants moved in to serve dinner. Star Swirl’s earlier discomfort was soon forgotten as she found her plate being filled with all sorts of wonders. Fresh sweet corn, honeyed asparagus leaves, even banana peel sprinkled with sugar. Her mouth started to water with anticipation of the feast, as around her all the other ponies began to tuck in.
Star Swirl was just about to lower her mouth and dive in, when she froze. Next to her, Clover had levitated a fork and was shovelling food into her mouth at speed. On the other side, Greybeard was doing much the same, albeit in a rather refined way. All around, every pony save the non-magical ambassadors were gently using their magic to eat. Her stomach rumbled loudly as she looked down at the meal, so close and yet so far away.
“Not hungry Star Swirl?” Greybeard leaned over, face furrowed in some concern. “It really is very nice you know!”
“No, I…” Star Swirl began, but trailed off. The food on her place seemed to be calling to her, the constant noise of eating all around her only making the situation worse. She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d had something to eat, let alone a feast as astonishing as this. Pangs of hunger curled up from her stomach, and then started to throttle the part of her brain that dictated she go hungry for reasons of self-preservation.
“I am of the school…” she stated loudly, so that anyone within earshot could hear. “…That magic is something sacred and special, and should not be wasted on frivolous activities.” Then her head toppled forwards into the plate and she started to scarf down the food in a frenzy.
Greybeard watched Star Swirl in astonishment, his mouth hanging open as Star Swirl continued to gobble down her meal, her face buried in her plate. There was a clatter of cutlery as Clover released the fork she’d been using from her magical field, and with her eyes on Star Swirl, experimentally dipped her head to her own plate to pick up and swallow a chunk of tomato with her mouth.
“Whew!” Star Swirl came up for air, gasping out as she wiped a hoof across her mouth, giving a cheesy grin in the direction of Greybeard. “Yeah, you’re right, that’s good! Really good!” she puffed, suddenly feeling slightly exposed, as the boost in bravery she had received from her empty stomach evaporated.
Greybeard continued to look at Star Swirl, his head tilted slightly as he stroked his own beard. “So Star Swirl…” he muttered, and Star Swirl could swear she felt a tinge of suspicion in his voice. “Tell me, how did you defeat the Antwerp dragon? I’ve never heard of any pony on their own besting a dragon before.”
“Oh ah…” Star Swirl blustered, looking around for any sort of distraction. The rest of the room was busily eating though. Next to her, Clover had her face in her plate, her little cheeks bulging with food as she did her best impression of a ravenous hamster. “…You know Greybeard, the usual?”
“I see… Greybeard murmured. “You mean, Wallflower’s Greater Summoning perhaps? Or did you use Firestorm’s Major Drain?” He moved in closer, his eyes now fixed on Star Swirl’s beard.
Star Swirl shuffled back as far as she could from her sitting position, holding up a hoof as if to protect her beard. She was sure this was some sort of trick to catch her our, and so blurted out the only thing she was sure was real magic. “I used magic missiles!” she squeaked. “Lots and lots of magic missiles!”
“You used magic missile? On a dragon?” Greybeard’s eyes widened incredulously to the shape of ping-pong balls.
“Oh yes, hundreds of them!” Star Swirl could feel the sweat pricking at her brow. “You couldn’t move for them! You know how it is Greybeard, sometimes you just get inspired! We’re both true wizards after all…”
She trailed off. Greybeard’s expression was impassive, as slowly he put his fork down. “No,” he muttered coldly. “No Star Swirl, I think you know that we are not both true wizards.”
Star Swirl’s throat went dry as the chilling words knifed through her and she felt the claws of panic gripping her heart. “Now Greybeard, pal please…” she pressed a hoof against the old pony. “We can talk about this…”
Greybeard pushed Star Swirl’s hoof off him and stood up, causing a minor disturbance as he knocked down several plates. “My lord!” he called out to the assembled hall before a terrified Star Swirl. “My fellow guests. I have an announcement to make. An announcement regarding a cuckoo in the nest! A fraud! A fake! Here in this very court!” He bowed his head, grimacing as one by one, the assembled dinner guests fell silent. Finally, even the king stopped talking to stare at Greybeard.
“What’s wrong Greybeard?” King Caractacus let a stalk of celery fall from his mouth as he stared at his chief advisor. “I don’t understand!”
“My king, a terrible deception is at play!” Greybeard took a deep breath. “A deception at the heart of your court! It is my sad duty to tell you that one of us is not who they seem to be!”
There was a babble of voices as those present looked at each other in confusion. Arcturus clapped her hooves to her mouth in shock, and then instantly fell down into her tank as she let go of the edge. Star Swirl meanwhile was looking around the exits for an escape, finding them all blocked by guards, feeling the guilty heat rise in her as her deception came unravelled. There was only one thing to do.
“A pathetic, sorry lie involving a wicked, dishonest pony and a fake beard!” Greybeard continued. “And that pony is-“
He didn’t get to finish his statement. Star Swirl grabbed the back of his head and started to slam it repeatedly into the table. “Oh no, he’s having a fit!” she shouted as she drove Greybeard’s face into his dinner plate. “He’s got rabies, look!” Grasping his mane, she pulled Greybeard’s head up to show his mouth, now covered in mashed potato.
“He’s frothing at the mouth!” Platinum squealed in the distance, pointing in horror at Greybeard. Greybeard blinked his eyes woozily, and Star Swirl slammed his head down a few more times just to make sure.
“What’s going on? What’s this about a cuckoo? And fake bees?” the king demanded angrily, motioning to his guards as he too leapt to his hooves.
Star Swirl stopped trying to pound Greybeard’s head through the table, and let go. The old wizard collapsed with a thump. “I’m sorry,” she announced, conjuring up as much sadness as she could. “Greybeard has some sort of… wizarditis. He’s just saying words he knows, any words, just all spilling out of his mouth. Probably due to a cursed Scrabble set. I have some experience with this disease, and will treat it, wizard to wizard. Outside. Alone.” She hopped to her feet, and waving off several of the guards, started to drag Greybeard’s prone body away.
Clover uncertainly leapt up too, staring in shock at the fallen Greybeard. “Should I come too?” she asked, a twinge of panic in her voice. “I could mop his brow or something?”
“No no.” Star Swirl shook her head. “It’s important that it is just me and him with no disturbances.” She continued to pull him towards a size passage, awkwardly handling his fallen form. “Though if he doesn’t see reason, you may need to get me a roll of carpet and a canal,” she muttered to herself.
***
“Wake up! Wake up!” Star Swirl splashed another glass of water in Greybeard’s face. Looking for a private place, she had eventually found a cleaner’s cupboard, and dragged him inside. Several rags had been tied around his hooves, and Star Swirl stood over his trussed-up form, throwing water over his head. Just as she thought she may have hit him a bit too hard, the old pony coughed, shaking his head and glaring up at her.
“You can’t stop me!” Greybeard grumbled angrily, pulling at his bonds. “The truth must get out! I-”
“Look Greybeard, you’re a reasonable fellow, I can tell!” Star Swirl moved closer to Greybeard, talking over him. “This has all got out of hand, I just want a quiet life; I don’t want to upset or hurt anyone!”
Greybeard shook his head. “My mind is made up Star Swirl, the king must know of the deception! I know you’re a good pony, that’s why I didn’t try to bribe you.”
“We can pretend none of this happened and wait what?” Star Swirl stammered to a halt as her brain caught up with Greybeard’s words. “Bribe me?”
“I know, it was an idiotic notion! A pony such as you is far too noble to be swayed by base greed! I am double the fool!” Greybeard’s voice quivered, and tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “I knew Star Swirl, I knew that one day a pony with true magical genius would arrive and expose me for the fraud I am! Please!” he quivered up at her, all thoughts of struggle gone. “Let me be the one to tell the king! Let me have that last dignity!”
Words tried to form in Star Swirl’s mouth, but nothing came out. Slowly, she moved her hooves forwards, and pulled at Greybeard’s beard. With a snap of elastic it came off, revealing a smooth if wrinkled chin below. “It’s a fake!” she gasped out loud.
“My secret shame!” Greybeard choked back a sob. “My parents called me Greybeard, but I could never grow a proper beard, so I wore a fake one! As you know, a true wizard must have a beard! I made sure that the king’s advisors were not the sharpest knives in the drawer so none would realise my deceit, but when you arrived Star Swirl, I saw that there was no way I could hide my lies from one such as you! You, whose mastery of magic is beyond my perception! Who could defeat a dragon with mere magic missiles! Who has the wisdom to ensure their apprentice learns humbleness by cleaning to ensure they are spiritually ready to receive magical training and not squander their power on frivolities! You would see through me in a moment, it was just a matter of time! I knew I had to admit to my lies before you exposed me.”
Star Swirl just stared in disbelief at the fake beard in her hooves. “I… well… I mean obviously I knew from the moment I saw you…” She slowly reached out to tug at Greybeard’s horn.
“Ow!” Greybeard winced as Star Swirl yanked at his horn. She instantly withdrew her hoof.
“Sorry! Just seeing if that was real too!” Star Swirl gave a slight innocent whistle.
“Of course it’s real!” Greybeard snapped back through his tears. “How else could I be one of Unicornia’s top wizards! I could hardly do that without a horn, that would be ridiculous!”
“Yes. Yes it would. Hah.” Star Swirl gave a nervous laugh as she looked down at the beard again. “So… you are a wizard, it’s just the fake beard thing?”
“Isn’t that enough?” Greybeard look down crestfallen. “The shame of Greybeard the Sage having a fake beard! I can think of no more heinous crime, no greater trickery!”
Star Swirl gave a warm and friendly smile as she shook her head. “Greybeard, my friend. I think you’re a good pony and can do a lot of good. If the king decides to have you exiled or worse, then nopony would benefit from your powers. If a small lie about a fake beard is the price to pay, then so be it, I won’t tell, I give you my word.” With that, she passed the beard back to the sniffing magician.
“Thank you Star Swirl!” Greybeard’s eyes were watery as he looked upon his saviour. “Y-you’re right! I will dedicate myself to good deeds! My soul may be scarred by this unforgivable lie, but I can still help others! Your wisdom puts me to shame!”
“It does, it does indeed.” Star Swirl carefully bit through the rags binding Greybeard’s limbs. “Now, about that bribe.” As Greybeard looked slightly shocked, Star Swirl continued. “…Not for me, you understand, I have no use for money because I am so spiritually superior, but poor Clover, she could do with some sort of income. Maybe if you could… sponsor her?”
Greybeard nodded slowly, wiping the tears away from his eyes. “Yes, that is indeed a noble gesture. My first step on the path to righteousness will be to ensure your apprentice has a regular income. I shall make arrangements to send payments to her immediately!”
Star Swirl placed a hoof around Greybeard’s neck as she led him out of the cleaning cupboard. “It’d be better to give the money to me to give to her,” she smiled. “That way we can be sure she spends it wisely.”
The two ponies with fake beards wandered back to the banqueting hall. “Greybeard…” Star Swirl purred. “…I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!”
The quiet of the cool night was shattered by the tuneless, slightly inebriated singing that echoed up from the mighty bridge connecting the city’s principle castle to the nearby mountaintops. It was said that in the days before time began, giants walked the land. They had built a city upon the mountains, connected via an intricate series of walkways, a marvel of engineering fit for gods.
“I’m tired and I want to go to bed!”
Yes, they said that giants once walked the land. Now, however, there was just a tipsy Star Swirl, swaying across the dangerously thin bridge and being followed by an rather nervous unicorn.
“If you want to go home, sir – Star Swirl,” Clover squeaked out as she raced after her new employer, “then the castle is behind us!” She did her best to not stumble and trip on her already-ripped dress, but it was without success. She snagged a corner on her forehoof sending her head over heels and landing on the cold stone ground with a thump.
“Whoa there, filly!” Star Swirl stopped her crooning as she turned towards the fallen Clover, having half-forgotten the pony had even been following her. An evening of free drink, food, and more drink as a guest of the king himself had taken its toll, but for some reason none of the wizards or ambassadors of the court had much enthusiasm for her plan for a “bar crawl” once the evening drew to an end. Only Clover had followed her into the dark, and that was more out of duty than any desire to join Star Swirl in an all-night drinking session.
Star Swirl adjusted her fake beard and staggered in Clover’s direction, offering the small green pony a helping hoof to stand. She was surprisingly cold, Star Swirl noted, briefly considering offering her protégé her cloak before deciding that such behaviour was unbecoming of a master unicorn mage, even if she wasn’t a real unicorn. “C’mon Clover,” she mumbled with a slur. “This’ll be great fun, just the two of us together, having a laugh!” She blinked her eyes and attempted to steady her vision. “Now stop messing around and get back into focus.”
Clover gulped hard as she brushed her dress down. It was bad enough that it was dirty and torn, but a night on the town would surely destroy it. If Star Swirl, the greatest unicorn mage in the world, wanted her to go out though, she should go out. After all, maybe it was some clever test. Elderly wise unicorn mages tested their students all the time, didn’t they? “I’m sorry,” Clover whispered softly,
“That’s better!” Star Swirl waited until the world stopped swimming in front of her, and turned to view the mountaintops that housed the rest of the city of Unicornia. The mountains were beautiful; the lights of the city looking like fairy lights adorning the mountainsides, twinkling away in the darkness. Star Swirl let a grin creep across her face as she felt the weighty money pouch at her side, and the memories of even more gold piled up in her lodgings. All she needed to do was to keep her head down, collect more gold from the gullible unicorns, and then make her escape.
Getting completely sloshed wouldn’t help in any of the above, but then again, such things seem like a good idea at the time.
“Okay, Clover,” she exclaimed as she began to stride across the bridge again. “Show me the nightlife of Unicornia! The best drinking establishments money can buy! You used to be a student here, you should know all kinds of places.”
Clover started to stumble after Star Swirl again. Star Swirl was surprisingly fast, and Clover found herself quickly out of breath. It was as if Star Swirl was being propelled towards the promise of alcohol by supernatural forces. “I-I don’t know!” she quivered. “I never really went out, I’d stay in my bunk studying all night.”
At this revelation, Star Swirl stopped and stared hard at Clover. “What? But you failed your exams! What was the poin-” Clover’s face crumpled and she began to sob, Star Swirl immediately halting her ‘witty’ retort and giving Clover an awkward hug.
“Hey, Clover, no.” She offered up a corner of Clover’s dress for the unicorn to blow her nose on. Clover compiled. “Don’t cry, what I meant to say was…” She paused, searching for the words. “All your… diligence was all for a purpose. You’re with the great Star Swirl the Bearded now, you’ve made it!”
Clover’s face was upsettingly red as she stopped sniffling and wiped away the last of the sudden onslaught of tears. “T-thanks,” she mumbled. “Y-you’re too good to me.”
Star Swirl eyed the expensive necklace around Clover’s neck. Perhaps Clover would get so drunk tonight that she’d ‘lose’ it. “Yes, Clover, yes I am,” she replied, before swirling her long cloak around in what she hoped was an impressive display. “Now, let’s get to the town, this bridge is rather… dangerous.”
“No it’s not!” Clover seemed to take this opportunity to go mad; her previous tears forgotten as she raced over to the edge of the stone bridge and launch herself over the edge in one swift motion.
Star Swirl didn’t even have a chance to cry out as Clover vanished from view, clearly plummeting to her death. Swallowing hard, she sidled up to the edge of the bridge, forcing herself closer and closer. Star Swirl had never been good with heights, and the thought of a several thousand foot drop filled her with special dread. Falling for so long, knowing that you would hit the bottom and die at any moment but being unable to do anything about it…
Hooking her hooves against the edge of the bridge as securely as she could, she peered over the side, expecting to see Clover falling in terror. Instead she was met by Clover’s face as it slowly bobbed up, a silly grin plastered upon it.
Star Swirl leapt back in shock, mouth agape. Clover was slowly rising from the edge of the bridge, her hooves encased in a shimmering sparkling light. Had she been tricked? Was Clover really a powerful unicorn mage who had gone undercover to expose her lies? “B-but…” she gasped, her mouth flapping open and closed uselessly.
“It’s a magic bridge!” Clover exclaimed giddily as she finally rose high enough to step back onto the surface of the bridge. “The stones were treated by a magical spell, you can’t fall off because it’ll catch you! I thought you’d know that!” Her voice became a whisper. “Unless it was a test? Was it a test? Did I pass?”
Star Swirl looked back and forth across the length of the mighty stone bridge that seemed so fragile as it connected the castle to the nearest mountain peak. Of course it would be magical, anything else would be suicide. “Yes. Yes, it was a test. Well done, Clover,” she grunted in an attempt to regain her composure, marching confidently up to the edge of the bridge and staring down at the dizzying black drop beneath. She started to step out into the void, eager to test the bridge herself.
“I even know how it works!” Clover continued excitedly. “It uses the innate magical ability of the unicorn who is falling to catch them and create a magical field!”
Star Swirl instantly snatched her hoof back and made a retreat to the safety of the middle of the walkway, shaking slightly. “Yes, well,” she coughed. “No time for that now. Let’s find somewhere scuzzy!”
***
The bridge opened onto one of the most bustling streets Star Swirl had ever seen. Despite the late hour, the shop-fronts were brightly lit and unicorns of all shapes and sizes were out enjoying the atmosphere. There were theatres and opera houses, expensive dress shops, even actors on the streets playing out classical tragedies.
Star Swirl gazed about at the noise and colour, unsure of where to begin and only barely noticing the small body of Clover as it pressed against her in nervous terror. Eventually, Star Swirl’s eyes alighted on a promising-looking sign. “Wine Bar.” She peered through the windows, seeing a plush room filled with well-dressed unicorn gentry laughing merrily as they sipped expensive wine and listened politely to the tinklings of a nearby piano. It didn’t look like much fun.
“No no,” Star Swirl shook her head. “That won’t do at all.”
For the next half hour, Star Swirl and Clover descended down the winding streets as they travelled down the mountainside. The lower they travelled, the darker and less ornate the streets became, and the grimier things looked. It seemed to Star Swirl that the unicorn society was very segregated: the rich, posh unicorns lived at the tops of the mountains and enjoyed the fine life, while the lower classes were forced to live further down the mountain and closer to the ground. Every few hundred feet they’d pass another packed bar, and Star Swirl would peek in at the window and pass her judgement, considering most of these places “too stuck up,” or “not scuzzy enough.”
Finally, Star Swirl found a bar that pleased her.
“Star Swirl!” Clover started to hyperventilate slightly, hiding behind her mentor as the noise and smell of the bar hit her like a smack to the face. There was no style or elegance to the décor; all of the wooden tables and chairs seemed to be thrown together from whatever was lying about. Some of them even had all of their legs. The bar’s patrons were a world away from the posh unicorns they’d seen in the wine bar: grizzled ponies covered in scars with chipped horns, swigging down the contents of dirty glasses. “Star Swirl!” She tugged nervously on Star Swirl’s robes. “This looks…”
“…Amazing, yes, I know!” Star Swirl’s eyes were bright as she stormed confidently into the bar. “This is what I’m talking about, Clover, good honest drinking with the salt of the earth! Look at this place. ‘The Watering Hole’. I bet they call it ‘The Hole’!”
Clover shuffled after Star Swirl closely in the hope that her mentor would protect her, wide eyes staring in terror at the bar. “Star Swirl,” she hissed urgently. “There’s earth ponies here!” She shrank back even more against Star Swirl, if that was even possible.
Mixed in with the drinking unicorns were tables of earth ponies, hunched over their own drinks and muttering to themselves in quiet enclaves. They were probably, Star Swirl considered, earth pony traders who came to Unicornia to peddle their wares. They would need somewhere to stay after all, and where better than what passed for the gutter of Unicornia. The presence of fellow earth ponies bolstered her already-booming confidence.
“Barkeep!” Star Swirl barked out, letting her robe curl about her for effect as she pounded on the bar. A grimy unicorn with an eye-patch stared back at her. Star Swirl suddenly felt a bit silly standing there in her home-made wizard’s hat and cape. She cleared her throat. “Greetings, I am–”
“I know who you are!” The unicorn barkeeper grumbled, waving a dirty rag over a rack of glasses. “Star Swirl the Bearded, killer of half of Goatlandia’s army.” He leaned forwards, conspiratorially. “The whole city’s talking about you. Brave move, coming down here. There’s plenty of goats who curse your name.”
Star Swirl looked about herself briefly. There were no goats in the room; in fact she’d not seen any goats apart from the Goatlandian ambassador, and he was assumedly back in the castle. She seemed to be safe from revenge for her imaginary one-pony crusade against the Goatlandian empire. “I think I’ll be fine,” she winked. “If not, I’ll just have to explode any goat who tries anything.” Reaching into her pouch, she fished about until she found a silver coin and slammed it onto the counter. “Give me two pints of hard cider, the sort with extra floaty bits, no antifreeze.” She looked across at Clover, who was currently sitting stock still, frozen in fear. “And two quarter-measures for the kid.” She started trotting towards the nearest table that looked vaguely level. “Bring them over, Clover!”
Clover stared in confusion as the barkeeper slammed four glasses, two large and two small, down onto a tray in front of her. The liquid inside looked suspiciously cloudy. “Star Swirl?” She picked the tray up in a weak sparkle of magic and shakily carried it over to the table. “Why are there four glasses? Are we meeting someone?”
Star Swirl simply grinned and doled out the drinks: the two large glasses to her, and the two tiny ones to Clover. “Not at all, Clover, I just thought we’d start the evening with a friendly wager! A contest, as it were! We have a drinking race, the last one to finish their drinks has to buy the drinks for the rest of the night!”
Clover shuffled uncomfortably on her wobbly chair, looking glumly at the two tiny drinks in front of her. “I don’t know, Star Swirl…” she mumbled. “I don’t really drink much, and I don’t have any money.”
“Look at my glasses, they’re huge! You’ll definitely win!” Star Swirl motioned to her large, overflowing glasses. “Besides, if by some small impossible chance you happen to lose, then I’m sure we can work something out. Start a tab, as it were.” Star Swirl’s eyes were drawn towards Clover’s necklace again, wondering exactly how indebted she’d need to get Clover in order to convince the naive pony to hand it over.
Clover began another round of protests, but Star Swirl shushed her. “I won’t take no for an answer. Right, the rules are that the first to finish both their drinks is the winner. We’re not allowed to touch each other’s glasses, and since my drinks are bigger, I get a head start. Got it?” It was an old trick, one that never failed to work on those who didn’t know how it worked. The mark would usually be bowled over by the simplicity of the task, and take it slowly to savour the victory. All Star Swirl needed to do was to down her first pint then place the glass over her opponent’s second glass. As the rules stated they couldn’t touch her glass, they’d be powerless to reach their drink, and Star Swirl would get a full night’s worth of booze for free. It never failed.
“You’ll use a force field!” Clover squeaked back at Star Swirl. “I know I’m no good at magic, there’s no need to rub it in!”
Star Swirl frowned. “I won’t use a force field, Clover. In fact, no magic at all. All magic is banned!” As Clover spluttered a protest, she added, “Unless you use magic to lift your drink, of course. But I won’t, because I’m too wise to use magic in such a frivolous way.”
“Okay,” Clover whispered, a determined look moving across her face as she readied herself. “Let’s do it!”
“Three, two, one, go!” Star Swirl snapped, immediately grabbing her first glass in her hooves and gulping it down. The cider was cool and had plenty of lumps in it, with the pleasant sensation of being kicked hard in the head. Good stuff. With a slight effort she chugged the last of the drink down her throat and slammed the glass down, wiping her mouth as she gasped for air.
Timing was all-important. She moved to place the glass over Clover’s, and paused in confusion. Both Clover’s glasses were still full. “Hey, Clover, you can start, you know!” she exclaimed.
‘Thwip’. Clover leant her face over one of the glasses and took a tiny sip. The level of liquid in the tiny glass barely moved. “I am, I am!” she gasped, almost as out of breath as Star Swirl was. “I’m drinking as fast as I can!”
Star Swirl slowly placed her empty glass down and watched Clover drink with a terrible fascination. Clover seemed to be struggling quite a bit; Star Swirl probably didn’t even need to cheat to win this one. She silently drank her remaining pint as Clover spluttered into her little glass.
“I give up, I give up!” Clover pushed her drink away in despair. “You win, Star Swirl, I’m useless.” Her eyes started to water again as she trembled against the table. “I don’t deserve to be your pupil!” she croaked out.
“I…” Star Swirl tried to process her worryingly easy victory. It was no fun if your opponent crumbled with all the grace of an injured kitten, but still, money was money. “I’ll put it on your tab…” she replied somewhat awkwardly as Clover burst into tears again, the noise catching the attention of some of the bar’s rougher-looking inhabitants. “Clover!” she hissed, leaning forwards. “It was only a little bit of fun, don’t make a scene over it!”
“No, no, you don’t understand!” Clover snivelled, retreating into the remains of her dress. “I’m not like you, Star Swirl! I’m not clever or brave, I’m not a hero! I don’t deserve to be taught by you! I’m a filthy liar!” She threw her head onto the table, Star Swirl having to act quickly to save the complementary bowl of peanuts from Clover’s forehead. “I’ve been living a lie!” she cried out, as loud as she could.
Star Swirl shook her head quickly to dismiss the effects of the hastily imbibed alcohol as she squinted at Clover. It didn’t look like she was wearing any sort of fake beard, which was how the itinerary of lies throughout Unicornia had been progressing thus far. “I’m sure…” she started, slightly uncomfortable both at the looks they were receiving from the other patrons and the pathetic appearance of the crying Clover. “I’m sure it’s not that bad…”
“It is, it is, it’s the worst thing in the world!” Clover bit her lip, eyes downcast as she stumbled over her sentences, swatting a hoof at her cheeks to dab away the worst of the tears. “I… I…” She stopped, swallowing hard in determination. “I lied to my parents!” she blurted out. “I… I told them I passed all my exams, that I didn’t fail my studies! T-they think I did really well a-and got an important job in the castle and they keep writing to tell me how proud they are, and all along I’m just a cleaner!” She turned her head away in shame, voice lowered even further. “A-and I’ve not seen them for a year. T-they think I’m just too busy, but if I see them I know I’d start crying and never stop and then they’d hate me for lying.” She bowed her head before Star Swirl. “And that’s why I can’t be your student, Star Swirl. Because I’m a liar.”
Star Swirl stared at Clover for a moment, before laughing heartily and thumping the table several times. As Clover started back in shock, Star Swirl decided to dial back the merriment slightly. “Clover, is that all?” She rolled her eyes.
“But I lied to them!” Clover protested. “To my parents! That’s the worst thing anypony could do! All because I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me!”
“That’s a white lie, Clover. You had the best of intentions, I’m sure.” Star Swirl idly chomped down a few peanuts from the bowl and pushed it in Clover’s direction. “And now you’re a student of the great Star Swirl the Bearded. You’ve made it, Clover! You’re not living a lie anymore, it’s the truth!”
“But… but…” Clover looked down at the bowl of nuts as if they were about to leap up and bite her, pushing them back to Star Swirl. “But the ends don’t justify the means! I still did it!”
“Sometimes, Clover, lies can be good. It’s not all black and white.” Star Swirl waved a hoof in the air. “A white lie can make someone feel better about themselves; for example, Clover, you look really quite pretty.”
“R-really?” Clover’s eyes bulged and she turned bright red. “T-thank you Star Swirl.”
There was an awkward silence between the two as Star Swirl searched for an appropriate response, mentally noting that Clover obviously couldn’t handle sarcasm. “Yes, Clover,” she finally said. “I really think that. Now,” she continued, eager to change the conversation, “perhaps you should write to your parents and tell them the truth, but–“ She raised a hoof to silence any prospective protestations “–you should tell them now they can be proud of you, because you’re the apprentice of the greatest unicorn of all time!” She puffed out her chest, revelling in her self-aggrandisation. “Me,” she added quickly, in case there was any doubt. Of course, there was always the chance that Clover’s parents were unwittingly be sitting on more treasure such as the necklace they had given Clover, and that they might be willing to give such trinkets to the great wizard who had saved their daughter from a life of shame and misery. Until such time when Star Swirl eventually did a runner with all her ill-gotten gains, of course.
“I guess…” Clover considered this proposition carefully. “But what if they don’t–”
“They love you, Clover, of course they do.” Star Swirl gave her most genuine smile. It wasn’t hard, Clover reminded Star Swirl of a little kitten mewling for its mother. “You’re their daughter, they want to be proud of you no matter what you do! They sent you all the way to the city to study magic with just the Junior Encyclopaedia of Magic and a worthless trinket – ” she idly motioned to the golden necklace around Clover’s neck “–and so of course you lied to protect their feelings that you hadn’t done as… well as they expected. But look at you now, about to become a master wizard! How proud they’re going to be!”
Clover’s little face lit up. “T-they are, aren’t they? I’m so lucky to have met you, Star Swirl!”
Star Swirl gave an insincere smile and leant back in her chair, which wobbled alarmingly. “Trust me, Clover, I’ll change your life!” She settled down snugly, waving at the barkeeper to bring more drinks as she grew more complacent in her role of wise unicorn wizard. “You know, Clover, you’re lucky that you’ve got the chance to make amends with your parents. I never knew mine.”
Clover’s mouth hung open. “One of the guards at the castle said that you were born out of a flying rainbow-coloured egg that descended out of a sunbeam. Is that true then?”
Star Swirl gawped at this for a moment, tempted to reply in the affirmative before deciding that in this case, honestly might be the best policy. “No,” she replied with a laugh. “No, my parents both died when I was really young. I was brought up by my grandfather.” She smiled, closing her eyes as she lost herself in her memories. “He was like a mother and father to me; a magnificent stallion, a complete role model! He taught me everything I know!”
“Magic?” Clover squeaked.
Star Swirl shrugged, searching for the right words. “Well, how to make things disappear, mostly.” She leaned forwards, casting her gaze around to ensure they weren’t being overheard. “But the thing is, Clover, we had a big falling out and I never made up with him before it’s too late. Clear the air while you still can, or it’ll eat you up.” Looking at Clover, it didn’t seem like it would take much to eat her up.
“What happened?” Clover whispered back, suddenly feeling not so alone after all.
“Ah, despite everything, he was an old-fashioned pony.” Star Swirl let herself sigh wistfully. “He didn’t approve of some of my more… modern excesses. Thought I should stop messing about with mares and settle down, marry a good stallion.”
Clover squealed in scandalised shock. “That’s horrible!” she exclaimed. “Sorry, Star Swirl, but what a terrible pony he was!”
Star Swirl frowned. “Well I…” she faltered, caught off-guard by Clover’s slightly extreme reaction. “I mean he was pretty traditional, you can see his point…”
“Trying to force you, a stallion, to marry another stallion!” Clover clapped a hoof over her mouth. “He must have been crazy, Star Swirl! And that was the tradition where you grew up? You were lucky to escape!”
Star Swirl glanced down at her fake beard, slightly mortified at the route the conversation had taken. “Ah. Yes. He tried to force me into gay marriage. Yes. That’s exactly what happened. That’s why I ran away to become a wizard.” She coughed loudly; obviously the drinking had made her lower her guard slightly more than anticipated, she’d have to be more careful with what she said in future. “Anyway, Clover!” She waved over to the bar upon which now sat fresh drinks; apparently table service was not on the menu. “If you wouldn’t mind…”
As Clover dutifully trudged away to pick up the drinks, Star Swirl gave a sigh of relief, munched on some more nuts and took in the atmosphere of the bar. The air was a roar of noise as ponies huddled around tables talking, drinking and doing deals. It was the sort of place she enjoyed hanging about in: honest. Not that the ponies there were honest by any means, but because you knew that you couldn’t trust anyone. In the more upmarket establishments, everyone tried so hard to be nice with their fake smiles that it was difficult to work out who you really could trust. In a place where ponies were open in their dishonesty, there were far less head games to worry about.
The earth pony traders and the unicorns seemed to keep themselves to themselves, not mingling at all. There were more than a few dark glances shot across the room, but that was the price to pay if the only bar you could afford to drink in was the dingiest in the city. A table across from her, two unicorns sat, staring into each other’s eyes and shifting uncomfortably every so often. ‘Probably having an affair’ Star Swirl thought with a wry grin. A particularly rough table full of unicorns was having a loud card game at the other end of the room; from her position, Star Swirl could guess which ones were cheating, their stance and actions all too familiar to her.
Behind her sat two earth pony traders, looking slightly out of place in their more up-market finery. She imagined that earth ponies staying in Unicornia didn’t have many options when it came to nights out, though this wasn’t a theory she wanted to test herself. She craned her neck around in the most nonchalant way possible, pricking her ears up as she listened in to their conversation. As she did so, her eyes narrowed.
“…And then I ended up with a load of lemon grass, you know the sort! Cheap stuff; can’t get rid of it!” One of the ponies, a big red earth pony wearing a gaudy hat slammed a hoof down on the table. “Been trying to sell it at three bits a kilo for ages without luck. So I put an advert in a paper in Detrot under a fake name, sayin’ I’d buy lemon grass at six bits a kilo! Within days some dozy mare wrote a letter to my fake name sayin’ she’d supply the lemon grass at six bits, and a letter to me sayin’ she’d buy all me lemon grass at three bits!”
His companion, a thin, gaunt green pony, shrugged. “So you’re buying your own lemon grass, Spare Part?” he ventured hesitantly.
“No no,” Spare Parts smirked. “I’m letting her buy the lemon grass off me, and then never turning up in Detrot! Dumb mare will be left with a load of grass she can’t sell, and I’ll be livin’ it large!” He patted the hefty purse that hung securely around his neck while his colleague nodded appreciatively.
Star Swirl sat stock still in a frozen trance as she processed the information. That was her! They were talking about her! She had planned to make the lemon grass deal, and had been patting herself on the back for being so clever about it all! Of course, there was a chance that this was all a coincidence; the likelihood of running into the lemon grass merchant in Unicornia was quite low, after all. Someone was getting conned though, and that someone could have been Star Swirl. There was a principle at stake!
“Hi, Star Swirl, sorry I was so long, I…” Clover placed another round of drinks on the table as she mumbled her apologies, trailing off as she looked at the silently contemplating Star Swirl. “Sorry, are you meditating on a spell again?”
“Clover!” Star Swirl sprang to life, almost shouting out Clover’s name as she tipped the remaining nuts out of the bowl and lifted it high into the air. “I’m glad you’ve returned, I have something very special to show you, something I’ve been working on for a long, long time!” She was extra loud now, making sure her voice carried over to the earth pony trader’s table. “Do you know what this is, Clover?”
Clover’s eyes boggled as she stared at the bowl. “I-it’s the bowl the nuts–”
“Correct!” Star Swirl bellowed. “It is the Bowl of Plenty! A mysterious artefact which I, Star Swirl the Bearded, greatest of all unicorn mages have carefully constructed.” She placed the bowl down on the table with great care, noting with a smirk that the traders behind her had stopped their conversation to listen. “With this bowl, Clover, I can duplicate any item! Simply place something into the bowl and it is doubled! Fruit! Nuts! Bits of metal! Of course, this is merely a foal’s plaything, I can think of no practical use for it…”
“Greetings!” Clover leapt backwards as the two earth ponies sidled over to the table, the large red one taking the lead and doffing his hat at Star Swirl. “My name is Spare Parts, a humble earth pony trader not fit to sit in the presence of a wizard such as yourself. We couldn’t but help overhear your conversation; I have a keen interest in…” He searched for the word “…trinkets of no appreciable value!”
“Oh well,” Star Swirl shrugged. “I was merely showing off this magical bowl to my apprentice. It’s an experiment, nothing more. I wracked my mind thinking of ways I could use it, but apart from having two bowls of porridge each morning, I couldn’t come up with anything!” Star Swirl gave a laugh and stroked her beard, giving her best impression of being slightly addled. She took a sip from her drink to help in this process.
“But Star Swirl, proper physical object duplication is amazing!” Clover exclaimed in wonderment. “You coul–”
“I know, I know,” Star Swirl loudly interrupted Clover. “I could leave it on my desk full of sweets so I’d never run out, but then I’d probably lose my teeth! No no, quite useless apart from as a curiosity!”
“It can… duplicate anything, you say?” Spare Parts leaned over the bowl, hesitantly tapping it with a hoof. I guess you need to be a unicorn to use it?”
“Not at all, the bowl is magically imbued with spells, and recharges daily under direct sunlight!” Star Swirl snatched the bowl back, tumbling it haphazardly over her hooves as if about to drop it, enjoying the pained look on Spare Part’s face. “Even a goat could use it. Watch!” She placed the bowl on the table, flung a nut inside, covered it with a wicker table mat, and gave it a good shake. “It’s important to shake in order to stimulate the magic,” she added, before putting the bowl down and whipping off the cover. Inside were two nuts.
“That’s amazing!” Spare Parts muttered as he stared at the nuts, touching them to make sure they were real.
“I thought I could solve world hunger, but alas…” Star Swirl slumped her shoulders. “It was expensive enough to construct this bowl; to make something larger would be impossible!”
“But Star Swirl!” Clover started to wave her hooves a bit more urgently now. “Don’t you see? With that bowl you could–” Clover didn’t finish her sentence, as one of her chair legs was mysteriously kicked out from underneath her, and she sprawled backwards onto the bar floor with a thump.
Spare Parts glanced at his colleague and then up and Star Swirl. “Just out of academic interest…” he began, “could this bowl duplicate metal?”
“Oh yes,” Star Swirl happily retorted. “You can duplicate scraps of rusty tin, maybe a nail or two, make yourself another door knob, you can’t have enough of those!”
Spare Parts weighed the purse slung across his neck thoughtfully. “And… just out of interest,” he continued, “would it work on gold?”
Star Swirl shrugged. “I guess so…” she considered, taking a long time to stroke her beard. “I’ve never thought about that. Gold doesn’t really interest me, my concerns are more spiritual.” She pushed the bowl towards Spare Parts. “Try it, if you want, I think the bowl has one more charge left in it today.”
Spare Parts grabbed at the bowl, scarcely able to believe his luck as he greedily shoved a hoof into his purse and pulled out a shiny gold sovereign, throwing it into the bowl. “Now what?” he asked, keeping both hooves on the bowl at all time in case it was a trick.
“Now you cover and shake.” Star Swirl offered the wicker table mat. Spare Parts almost snatched it from her grasp as he placed the mat onto the bowl and shook firmly. Finally, at Star Swirl’s nod, the shaking abated, and Spare Parts whipped away the mat, to gasp in amazement.
Sitting at the bottom of the bowl were two shiny gold sovereigns.
He instantly snatched the coins away and huddled down with his friend, deep in conversation. Star Swirl looked on, feeling a slight pang as she saw the coin – her coin – taken away. It had been easy to affix it to the bottom of the table mat so that a good shake would dislodge it, and it was a necessary sacrifice to buy the pony’s trust, but still... Just a few days ago the thought of giving away a whole gold coin would have been sheer insanity to her. The fact that she could calmly give the coin away was ‘proof’ that the bowl worked though; the earth pony traders could easily just leave at that point and be well up on the deal.
Greed didn’t work that way, however.
“Hey, uh, I’ve come to a decision.” Spare Parts turned from his frenzied whispering and smiled warmly to Star Swirl. “I know it’s just a novelty, but I’m sure the foals back home will have use for it. As a toy, you know. How much do you want for it? Half a bronze piece?”
Star Swirl couldn’t help but smile; he was a cheeky one all right. She dispatched the smile as quickly as it came, and shook her head solemnly. “I’m afraid I could only let it go at cost; building the bowl cost quite a lot.” She looked at Spare Part’s money purse, mentally calculating how much was in there. “Ten gold pieces, no less. I’m sorry, that was what the materials cost to make it; I know that the final product is hardly worth that much!”
She was met by another frantic conversation between the two earth ponies; obviously arguing the merits of such a scheme, and convincing themselves that they could use the magical properties of the bowl to recover the cost in no time. It was perfect. Almost too perfect, as Clover’s head rose from the floor to urgently whisper:
“Star Swirl, Star Swirl, don’t do it, you could use the bowl to duplicate your own go–”
Star Swirl placed a gently but firm hoof upon Clover’s head, and it slowly sunk from view once more.
“It’s a deal!” Spare Parts threw ten beautifully shiny pieces of gold at Star Swirl before grabbing the bowl and hugging it to his chest like a new-born foal. “You’re lucky I’m in such a generous mood, old colt!” He gave a wink to his colleague who struggled to hide his sniggers at their good fortune.
Star Swirl just tipped her hat. “Remember to charge it up in direct sunlight! You can get about three charges a day if you leave it out for an hour. Enjoy!”
Spare Parts licked his lips, stumbling over his chair as he attempted to leave quickly lest anything happen to his enchanted bowl. “Oh, I will!” he cackled as he ran into the night.
The moment the two ponies were gone, Star Swirl released her grip on Clover’s head. Her young apprentice gasped out, crawling gratefully to a sitting position.
“Oh, Clover!” Star Swirl gasped. “Sorry, I didn’t see you down there!”
“Star Swirl, those ponies cheated you!” Clover squealed. “They’re going to use that magic bowl to make gold! You could have used it to make gold instead!”
“Oh sweet, innocent Clover,” Star Swirl chuckled, shaking her head in the wisest way that she could muster. “I care not for ‘gold’. I let them have it, it’s important to help the needy and less fortunate!”
Clover clapped her hooves to her mouth at Star Swirl’s words. “I didn’t realise how selfish I was being, Star Swirl!” she chirped. “You’re right, of course you are! Money doesn’t matter, helping others does!”
“I’m glad you think that,” Star Swirl mumbled as she gulped down the remainder of her drink. “Because you’re buying the next round, remember.” She winked, flicking Clover a bronze piece from her now bulging money pouch. “Don’t worry. You can owe me.”
***
Star Swirl shook her groggy head as she stumbled out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She had chosen the correct one this time, but wished to the gods that she hadn’t. “Clover, you wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen in there!”
She stumbled to a halt. The table was as she’d left it; a gigantic pile of her empty glasses sat like trophies alongside Clover’s more modest contribution, evidencing the previous three hours’ worth of drinking. Despite barely touching her drink, Clover was swaying from side to side in her tattered dress. But Star Swirl had left her alone; Clover was now surrounded by half a dozen burly stallions.
“Why, I’d love to go outside and s-sample your cucumbers!” Clover drawled, slumping against one of the beefy unicorn stallions, who grinned to his friend. “T-that’s so nice of you!”
“We’ve all got different cucumbers!” another of the unicorns piped up. “You’ll have to nibble on all of them!”
Star Swirl slunk back slightly. Clover was obviously getting herself into a fair bit of trouble, which meant that it was probably time to make a hasty exit. With a mumbled “sorry, Clover,” she started to edge around the room towards the door. This was particularly difficult as the bar was still quite full, and Star Swirl was quite drunk, causing her to somehow bump into every chair on her way out.
“You guysh are sho nice!” Clover slurred, resting her head against another of the stallions. “I’d love to look at all your cucumbers!”
Star Swirl grimaced with a guilty twang, turning to stare at Clover. The doorway was open behind her, cool air blowing at her mane. She could slink back to the castle and safety; Clover could look after herself. It wasn’t Star Swirl’s problem.
Clover raised a hoof, and then started to fall over. One of the stallions caught her. He seemed to be grinning a bit too widely.
The drink was fogging up Star Swirl’s mind slightly, but she fought through the fuzz as she tried to stay focussed. “It’s not my problem,” she muttered to herself. “Stupid Clover, it’s her own fault for not being able to look after herself.” She could hardly push past the stallions and rescue Clover; they were obviously about to carry her off and have their wicked way with her, there was no way they’d give up without a fight. Star Swirl’s grandfather had always taught her never to start fights, only to finish them. There was also no way one drunken earth pony could possibly take on six large unicorns and win.
“You should meet my friend,” Clover garbled out. “He’sh the bestest and cleverest an- and noblest pony in the world. A-an’ he’sh my besht friend!”
Star Swirl stepped outside.
The largest stallion started to stroke Clover’s mane. “Now,” he purred soothingly, “if we all go outside to our wagon for a little private vegetable sh-”
He didn’t get to finish, as half a metal fencepost impacted on the side of his head, sending him sprawling across the floor. The noise in the bar suddenly cut out as all eyes turned towards the scene. Star Swirl threw the fence post to one side and looked at the five remaining unicorns. “My name is Star Swirl the Bearded!” she bellowed. “And this pony’s coming with me! If you’ve got a problem with that, you can have a word with Mr Table!”
The stallions were slow to react at first, staring at their fallen comrade in confusion. One of them glared at Star Swirl. “Crazy old colt!” he blurted out. “No-one hurts one of us and gets away with it!” His horn started to glow with a turquoise sparkle of magic. “And it’s five against one.”
“Four against one.” Star Swirl turned, using the motion to fling up the wooden table and swing it around at the unicorn’s head. His horn pieced the ancient timbers, sending him stumbling out of control. In the same motion, Star Swirl kicked out with her hind legs to smash the closest unicorn to the ground. Her grandfather had taught her many things. Fighting dirty was one of them.
“Bar fight!” A cry came up from the far end of the room, and suddenly the entire bar erupted in a cacophony of violence as chairs were smashed and glasses shattered. In the ensuing melee of bodies, Star Swirl grabbed Clover and yanked her to the floor away from their attackers. “C’mon, Clover!” she hissed urgently.
Clover lolled about on the ground as she struggled to orient herself. “Wash goin’ on?” she mumbled. “Where’re those nice ponies? Are you going to usesh your magic an’ explode everyone?”
“No, we’re going to shuffle along the floor until we get out of here!” Star Swirl pulled a table over the two for cover, slowly scraping it along the floorboards as glasses impacted on the top, and every so often two ponies rolled over it, locked in mortal combat. Bar fights were fun to start, never fun to stay in, and almost certainly ended up with a good amount of law enforcement being invited along at the end.
Finally, the two ponies stumbled into the cool night air, leaving the noise of the bar brawl behind them, Star Swirl supporting Clover to her feet.
“But they were sho nice,” Clover moaned, looking sadly into the windows as the fight continued. “They shaid they were cucumber saleshponies, raising money for orphans.”
“That’s ridiculous. Clover, you’re too trusting.” Star Swirl put an arm round the smaller pony as she hauled her away from the scene. “They were up to no good; you have to be more cautious, you can’t trust anypony. Apart from me, of course.”
Clover nodded, and the duo staggered away into the night.
Nearby, a bleeding unicorn struggled towards a large cart, upon the side of which read: “CUCUMBERS FOR SALE; ALL PROCEEDS TO THE ORPHAN FOALS SOCIETY.”
***
The trip back to the castle had been uneventful, if slow. Star Swirl didn’t especially enjoy crossing the narrow stone bridge while inebriated, but eventually they had returned to Star Swirl’s lodgings. Clover had seemed quite boisterous and spent an awfully long time clattering about her room.
Star Swirl had spent an awfully long time with her ear pressed to Clover’s door.
When she was sure that Clover had fallen asleep, she gently pushed open the door and stepped quietly into Clover’s little box room. Clover herself was sprawled over her bed snoozing peacefully, having failed to change out of her tattered evening dress which was now covered in dirt and cider stains.
“Oh, Clover,” Star Swirl whispered down, a smile across her lips. “Poor, faithful, trusting Clover.” She leant down across Clover’s prone form, carefully releasing the catch on her necklace and slipping it from her neck, holding it up to the moonlight that poured through the window. The jewel inset in the centre glimmered in an expensive way. “It’s such a shame that you lost the only thing your parents ever gave you while on a drunken night out.”
She could get twenty bags of gold for the necklace easily, perhaps more. A warm glow of satisfaction rose in Star Swirl’s belly, and she begun to idly look over Clover’s desk. Her ‘Junior Encyclopaedia of Magic’ took pride of place, and scattered around it were a pile of letters.
Star Swirl took a closer look, sifting through them one by one. They were all from Clover’s parents; all telling her how proud they were of their little filly, with her amazing job and brilliant degree and apologising for all the times they had called her worthless. She looked back at the happily sleeping Clover, who lay serenely, a smile across her face as she dreamt unknowable dreams. “Enjoy it while it lasts, kid,” she mumbled half-apologetically, fighting back any rogue pangs of guilt as she slipped the necklace into her pouch.
She made to leave, stopping as one final letter caught her eye. This one was half-written, and from the wet ink and blotchy writing, Star Swirl surmised that Clover had attempted to write it before falling asleep. She scanned the spidery scrawl with mild curiosity.
Dear Mum and Dad,
Your little Cloverleaf here. I’m sorry. You were right, I’m a stupid, silly little pony. I lied, I lied about everything. I’m not a clever wizard working as a consultant to the king. I didn’t even pass my exams. For the last year I’ve been a cleaner scrubbing the floors because that’s the best I could do, and maybe that’s where I belong.
But I’ve met a wizard, you might have heard of him. Star Swirl the Bearded. He’s taken me on as his apprentice! He’s amazing! He’s so clever and wise and noble; I want to cry when I think about how awful I am compared to him. I wish I could be like that, but I’m not. Maybe one day though. He’s going to make me a wizard too so you can be proud of me. I’d like to be proud of me.
The letter stopped at this point; Clover seemed to have spilt her pot of ink and given up. Star Swirl read over the letter again, glancing back to Clover’s sleeping frame as she did so. Silently, she crept back to Clover’s side and clipped the necklace back around her neck.
“No,” she whispered. “I’m not the pony you think I am Clover. Sorry.” She gave Clover a soft kiss goodnight on the forehead and left the room.
“But maybe I’m not the pony I think I am, either.”
