> The Coltbert Report: Truthiness is Magic > by MariusIoannesP > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Twilight Sparkle > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen Coltbert sat at his giant “C”-shaped desk in The Coltbert Report studio in Manehattan. The desk had a central, circular magical crystal screen that displayed a rotating "C". The studio was decorated yellow, light blue, dark blue, and white, the colors of the Equestrian flag. The magical crystal podiums behind him displayed the Equestrian flag. The studio was decorated with the trinkets Stephen had accumulated over the years. One of them was Captain Equestria’s shield on a wall to the right of him. Stephen was a dashing earth pony stallion with a blue coat and a wavy black mane. His cutie mark was a light blue horseshoe covered with white stars, just like the Equestrian flag. The horseshoe was turned on its side though so it looked a lot like the letter “C” in his name. His glasses gave him an air of gravitas. He always wore a suit so immaculately tailored it put Rarity to shame. He always wore a tie of course, a completely different one for each show. This time he wore a dark blue suit, a white shirt, and a blue and white striped tie. Around his right fetlock was of course his Hoofstrong bracelet. His Hoofstrong bracelet commemorated the time he broke his fetlock when he fell while running around his desk. As the show started, Stephen looked in some direction, pointing his right hoof ahead of him. The caption read “Element of Disharmony”. “Tonight!” Stephen cried. “Has Discord really been reformed? I say you can’t reform anything that’s been made of stone unless you break it first.” Stephen turned and faced a different direction. The caption changed to “Great and Powerful?”. “Next, is Trixie up to her old tricks? Stephen doesn’t trust ponies who talk in the third person.” Stephen turned again and faced another direction. The caption changed once more and now read “In Twilight Sparkle We Trust”. “Then, I sit down with Equestria’s newest princess Twilight Sparkle. I wonder what book she read to prepare for this interview.” Stephen turned again and faced yet another direction. “Princess Celestia raises the sun every morning. I’m going to raise something even more important,” Stephen pointed his hoof ahead again, “the truth. This is The Coltbert Report!” The Coltbert Report’s opening sequence began. A majestic phoenix flew against a background of yellow, light blue, dark blue, and white. The fiery bird dove and the shadow behind suddenly revealed Stephen standing with his forelegs wide open surrounded by a spiral of words, like “Honesty”, “Generosity”, “Loyalty”, “Kindness”, and “Laughter”. Then, Stephen galloped through a field of more words, like “Cupcakes”, “Party”, and “Fun”. He grabbed an Equestrian flag on a flagpole and pole vaulted over the words “Truthiness is Magic”. Stephen fell through a tornado of words that flew by so fast they were illegible. He turned his head and looked forward with an expression of gravitas on his face. Stephen struck the ground and caused the Great Seal of Equestria to appear and then instantly grew into a great yellow, light blue, dark blue, and white temple of Equestrian patriotism also decorated with the great “C” of Coltbert’s name. The view of this temple shifted to above it where it morphed into the show’s great yellow. light blue, dark blue, and white logo. The Coltbert Report The phoenix suddenly returned and flew up in front of the logo. It screeched and burst into flame. The scene returned to the studio and moved around in a circle. The camera focused on Stephen once more as he looked forward. The audience cheered and stomped their hooves in applause. Stephen spent a few minutes basking in their praise. “Thank you, everypony!” Stephen called out. The audience started chanting his name. “Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!” “Now, now.” Stephen waved his hooves before him. He tried to calm the crowd in mock humility. “No need for that, ponies.” Once the crowd settled, Stephen began in earnest. “Welcome to the show. How’s everypony doing tonight?” Stephen asked. The crowd roared once more. “You know, nation, it’s days like today here in Manehattan that make me think that life in Equestria in shimmers. Life in Equestria...” Stephen paused and stroked his chin with his hoof and thought of the right word. “Shines.” He spoke with conviction pointing forward with his hoof. “And I know for absolute certain that everything is certainly fine. Yes, everything is going to be just fine! And you know what else I know for certain. I know that every newsreel theater showing this newsreel show across our great magical nation is packed to the gills right now because the one, the only newest princess of Equestria Twilight Sparkle is here tonight!” An image of Twilight Sparkle in her coronation dress with her wings open appeared to the left of Stephen. The crowd cheered once more. “First filmed interview! And she chose to do it with me! I feel very special, nation. But then again, I always feel special. More on that later.” Stephen turned to the right. “Nation, Princess Celestia is our absolute, unimpeachable monarch. So, it’s not my place to question anything she does. But I have to question her decision in regards to Discord.” An image of Discord appeared to the left of Stephen. “A couple of months ago, Princess Celestia made it the mission of Equestria’s greatest champions the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony to reform Discord. Really, Celestia? You want to reform the maniacal Draconequus who ruled Equestria with an iron eagle claw.” Stephen looked briefly at the image of Discord. “Or lion paw... Or whatever. The Princess insists that she has use for Discord’s magic. What possible use could the Princess have for a magic based on chaos and disharmony? Now I maybe a simple earth pony, but I thought magic was supposed to be based on friendship and harmony. What is the Princess not telling us?” Stephen slammed his hooves on his desk and screamed at the top of his lungs. “What are you hiding from us Celestia?!” Stephen calmed himself and continued. “Anyway, the subject of Discord’s” - Stephen made air quotes with his hooves - “’reformation’ brings us to tonight’s Word.” The blue “The Word” board appeared to the right of Stephen as the crowd cheered uproariously. The upper half of the globe of the wide, world of Equestria rotated at the bottom of said board behind a moving row of white stars. The words Keep Calm And Flutter On appeared on the board. “Keep Calm and Flutter On,” Stephen said. “The Princess put one pony in particular in charge of this Discorded pet project. Element of Kindness Fluttershy!” The words in “The Word” board were replaced by an image of Fluttershy. Stephen turned to the image. “Why hello there,” Stephen spoke in a flirtatious manner. “Anypony tell you that you’d make a great model?” The image in “The Word” board were replaced by the words Yes, Yes, They Have. “I wouldn’t mind her being kind to me,” Stephen added flirtatiously. The words Don’t Get Your Hopes Up replaced the previous words on the board. Stephen turned forward and composed himself and began anew. “Anyway, the Princess assures us that Fluttershy’s skills with all manner of creatures and her embodiment of the Element of Kindness made her perfectly suited to succeed in reforming this monster. If she’s so confident, why did she leave the Elements of Harmony with the now Princess Twilight?” As A Plot Device For The Princess Coronation “Either way, when whatever plans the Princess has for Discord finally go wrong, and I’m not saying that they will, but they will, Fluttershy is going to be the one to answer for it.” If You Can Get Her To Even Answer “But I’m not here to point hooves at anypony.” Then Why Are You Here? “I’m here to ask the tough questions. Can Discord really be trusted? The last time he was on the loose he set out to turn Ponyville into the chaos capital of the world.” The Word board changed to an image of a chaotic Ponyville when Discord briefly took over. “He tricked the Elements of Harmony into being the opposite of who they are.” The Word board changed to an image of a Discorded Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity standing in Twilight’s library. “And he made chocolate milk rain all over the place without a single dollop of whipped cream to go with it anywhere in sight.” The Word board changed into an image of cotton candy cloud raining chocolate. Stephen raised his hoof. “Not a single dollop! To go with the chocolate rain!” Some Stay Dry But Stephen Feels The Pain “What’s to keep him from doing any of that again?” It’ll Be Fine As Long As He Remembers The Whipped Cream “Is it this so called” - Stephen made air quotes - “‘friendship’ he now has with Fluttershy? Like friendship has some kind of power to change somepony.” Stephen raises his hooves in an exasperated manner. “As if friendship were, I don’t know, magic.” Friendship=Magic? “I mean he was turned into a statue for a reason. I say he needs to stay that way. Why did you want to do this Princess? Were tired of seeing his ugly face in your precious statue garden?” The Word board changed to an image of the face of Discord’s statue after his defeat by the Mane Six. “If the Princess doesn’t want to keep him in her statue garden. We can keep him in my statue garden. That’s where I keep all my petrified mortal enemies.” It’s Also Where He Keeps Bill O’Reinlly’s Microwave “Instead, Discord is walking free on some shallow promise to use his powers for good” - Stephen does air quotes again - “‘most of the time’. What does that even mean? Who can tell me what that means?” Sweetie Belle? “This will never work! This is a disaster! How will we ever control him?! We are doomed! Yet, the Princess just wants us to think that there’s nothing to worry about. She says she definitely senses a big change in Discord. She insists that we should all just Keep Calm and Flutter On.” Keep Calm and Flutter On “And that’s The Word. We’ll be right back.” The show cut to a commercial break. The Coltbert Report is brought to you by Colgate's Dentistry. The audience cheered as the show resumed after its commercial break. The camera zoomed in on Stephen as he faced forward at his desk. “Welcome back everypony! Nation, with Princess Twilight Sparkle here, I know for absolute certain that everything is certainly--oh my Celestia! What is that?! This is the ThreatDown!” The “ThreatDown” cinematic played with its flashing lights and sirens, number countdown on the bottom, and map of the wide world of Equestria in the background. The scene subsequently returned to Stephen with the ThreatDown logo to the right of him. The ThreatDown logo was then replaced by an image of Octavia the cellist and Vinyl Scratch the DJ. “Nation, you know that Octavia and Vinyl Scratch are friends of the show. As you all know, Vinyl has been touring Equestria alongside Octavia and her en-sem-bleh.” Stephen meant the word ensemble. “They kicked off their tour with an interview and performance here on the Report a few months back where I asked them about the one thing about them that’s on everypony’s minds.” A clip from Stephen’s interview with Vinyl and Octavia was played. The date in the corner declared that it originally aired July 30, 1003. As in all his interviews with musical guests, the interview area was darkened and the table removed. Stephen was sitting across from Vinyl and Octavia, and they all were sitting on stools. “So you guys a pretty close?” asked the past Stephen. “Known each other since our university days,” Vinyl answered. “Yes, we are quite close,” Octavia added. “So you guys are really, really close,” Stephen continued. “You can say that,” Vinyl replied while smirking. “So are you guys then...” Stephen trailed off and just looked at them knowingly. Vinyl started laughing quietly, but Octavia just looked back at Stephen clearly confused. “I’m sorry. I don’t quite know what you mean,” Octavia stated. “Are you guys..?” Stephen clopped his hooves together twice. Vinyl started laughing uproariously. Octavia just continued to look confused. “What?” Octavia asked, her confusion slowly becoming shock. “You know.” Stephen clopped his hooves together yet again. Vinyl finally calmed herself. “No, dude.” Vinyl put her foreleg around Octavia and pulled her close. “We’re just really good friends.” Vinyl started laughing quietly again. A look of realization appeared on Octavia’s face and then she began to laugh nervously. The clip ended, and the scene returned to Stephen with the ThreatDown logo to the right of him. “Yes, that was the official line back then. However,” Stephen reached under his desk and pulled out a newspaper. “According to the Foal Free Press, Equestria’s premier source for news, Octavia and Vinyl closed their tour with a very special announcement.” The scene changed to a close-up of an article in the Foal Free Press announcing that Octavia and Vinyl would be becoming roommates. “That’s right folks,” Stephen’s voice over added. “Octavia and Vinyl are moving in with each other!” The scene returned to Stephen with the ThreatDown logo to the right of him. “And everypony knows what that means.” The ThreatDown logo to the right of Stephen was replaced a rotating number three. “Which brings me to Threat Number Three: Secret Filly-Foolers!” The rotating three changed into a picture of Rainbow Dash with the caption “Secret Filly-Foolers!” “No matter what Octavia and Vinyl insist, there is no way two fillies can be friends and just live with each other. They have to be...” Stephen clopped his hooves together. “Come on, Octavia and Vinyl. Why don’t you come out of the stable already? You fillies are fooling no pony.” Threat Number Three changed into a picture of the Great and Powerful Trixie. “Next up, we have traveling magician and LARPing enthusiast the Great and Powerful Trixie. Everypony knows how a few years back, Trixie was royally shown up by our newest princess Twilight Sparkle. Well, a few months back she came back for a second round. You see, Trixie got her hooves on an ancient arcane artifact called the Alicorn Amulet.” The previous image was then replaced by an image of the Alicorn Amulet. “This Alicorn Amulet was so powerful that Trixie was able to defeat Twilight Sparkle in magical combat! She had so much power she was even going to try to do the unthinkable and overthrow the Princesses and take over Equestria! Now, allegedly, Trixie’s behavior has been written off as the effects of the Alicorn Amulet, but I’m not too sure, nation. How are we certain that Trixie won’t be up to no good in the future?” The image of the Alicorn Amulet was replaced by a rotating Number Two. “Which brings me to Threat Number Two: Vindictive Unicorns!” The rotating Number Two was replaced by a picture of a cloaked and red-eyed Trixie under the influence of the Alicorn Amulet with the caption “Vindictive Unicorns!” “This whole incident was brought about because Trixie wanted revenge on Twilight Sparkle, not because of the Alicorn Amulet. Who knows what Trixie is up to right now? Possibly plotting her next appearance in Ponyville to do only Celestia knows what. She’s already done the unthinkable, and I don’t mean plotting to overthrow the Princesses and taking over Equestria. There is one thing even more unthinkable.” Threat Number Two then became an image of a rotating Number One “And that brings me to the Number One Threat against Equestria: URSAS! The rotating Number One was replaced by an short animated image of a growling ursa minor with the caption “Ursas!” “Yes, ursas! There’s no bigger threat to Equestria than these sunless, killing machines!” Threat Number One was subsequently replaced by another image of Trixie in her trademark hat and cloak. “And what did Trixie do around two and half years ago the last time she was in Ponyville? She brought an ursa down on them!” The scene changed to a number of clips of Twilight putting the aforementioned ursa to sleep and sending it back to the Everfree Forest. “It took the very Element of Magic herself to defeat it,” Stephen’s voice over added. “And that was a baby! An ursa minor.” The scene returned to Stephen with Threat Number One once again to the right of him. “Have any of you ever seen an full-grown ursa major!” Threat Number One was then replaced by an image of a full grown mother ursa major with its ursa minor cub in its arms. “Yeah!” Stephen added in shock. “I say it should be Twilight Sparkle’s first order of business as princess to eradicate these monsters from the face of Equestria! Before they tear off all the faces in Equestria. We’ll be right back.” The show cut to a commercial break. The audience cheered as the show resumed once more after its commercial break. The camera zoomed in on Stephen as he faced forward at his desk. “Tonight’s guest is the Element of Magic. Let’s see if she can handle the Element of Truthiness. Please welcome Princess Twilight Sparkle!” Stephen ran around the side of his desk and towards the section of the audience next to his interview area. Stephen proceeded to hoof-bump every pony in the first row. He then ran into the interview area and took his seat. The fake windows in the interview normally had an image of the Manehattan skyline. This time, in honor of their illustrious guest, they had an image of Canterlot. Behind Stephen above the fake fireplace with a magical screen playing a recording of fire was Stephen’s portrait. The portrait was notably of Stephen standing next to a portrait of himself. Over the years of the show, another Stephen was added adorned with the accolades and achievements of the previous year. Sitting atop the fireplace’s mantle were Stephen’s awards: his Peapony Awards and the golden Celly Awards. Now, sitting across the great round table that dominated the interview area of course was Princess Twilight Sparkle. She wore the crown of her office upon her head. Stephen shuffled his notecards as he prepared to begin. “Princess Twilight…” Stephen began before Twilight cut him off. “Twilight is fine,” Twilight replied. “Okay then,” Stephen responded. “You can just call me ‘Stephen’ instead of The Reverend Sir Dr. Stephen T. Coltbert, D.F.A. It’s not like titles are important. Anyway, this is your first filmed interview since becoming a princess.” Twilight nodded. “Now, I certainly know why you’d choose my show over anypony else’s show. But let’s hear you explain it.” Twilight giggled. “Well, I just want to say that I’ve been a fan of your show for years,” Twilight answered. “Back when I was a still a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, I’d go every week to the newsreel theatre and watch the latest episode of your show. When I got the invitation to come on your show, I just hopped around my room in the library, crying” - she continued with barely contained excitement - “‘Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” As soon as she finished the outburst, Twilight swiftly composed herself. “So, I really had to do your show first.” Stephen just stared back at her as deadpan as ever. “Well, I’m glad to know that I have such a devoted fan among the royalty,” Stephen said. “And I had such a crush on you growing up. I just had to meet you.” Twilight indicated her belly while laughing. “I have butterflies in my stomach right now.” “Well those are fine as long as your wings don’t start popping up.” Stephen pointed a hoof at Twilight. “This is a family show!” “Don’t worry. I got that under control,” Twilight answered slyly. After a short pause, she added, “Mostly.” “Ever wake up in the morning with a little morning wing?” Stephen asked. Twilight looked back at him confused. “I don’t know what that is.” “Neither do I. I’m not a pegasus,” Stephen said. “Let’s get down to the brass tacks here. A lot of ponies were not happy with the whole” - Stephen made air quotes - “‘Princess Coronation’ thing. So, I just have to ask. Why did you decide to become a princess?” “I didn’t decide to become a princess,” Twilight answered. “Becoming a princess was a part of fulfilling my destiny. I know that a lot of ponies weren’t happy with this. They’re afraid I’m going to change. They’re afraid I’m no longer the pony everypony has grown to know and love. That’s part of the reason I came on your show. I want to show everypony that I haven’t changed. I’m still that lovable, adorkable pony, all of Equestria has come to know. I may be a princess now, but I’m still the same old Twilight Sparkle. I still love books. I still love my friends. I still love your show. The only thing that’s changed is that I have wings. And I’m slightly taller. And I wear a crown sometimes. And I’m a princess, and I have all kinds of royal powers and duties. But other than that, I’m just like everypony else.” “I hate to break it to you, but everypony else doesn’t get to come on my show,” Stephen noted. He flipped through his notecards and continued. “Moving on, your short time as princess hasn’t been without its slew of disasters.” “Well, I wouldn’t say that,” Twilight began somewhat embarrassed. “You can say that I’ve had a few bumps in the road.” “Your crown was stolen,” Stephen retorted. “One would think that a highly critical part of being a princess is having your crown on you. It’s a breach of proper princess protocol!” Twilight could not help but giggle at the stallion’s antics. Stephen continued. “Not only that, but your crown is your Element of Harmony! Without it, Equestria was defenseless!” Twilight just smiled and pointed at the top of her head. “As you can see it, I got it back.” “Speaking of getting it back,” Stephen went on. “You went on a very secretive mission to retrieve the crown. It’s top secret. Completely classified. Nopony is allowed to know anything about it.” “Yes,” Twilight answered as she nodded. “What can you tell us about it?” Twilight guffawed at the silly question. Twilight looked at Stephen as a sly grin spread across her face. “I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you.” “Can princesses really do that?” Stephen questioned. “Do you really want to find out?” Twilight retorted. She was completely deadpan. Stephen looked at Twilight in silence for a moment. “Shall I take that as a no?” “You can take that however you want,” Stephen answered. “And I look forward to finding else what else you can do as princess.” Stephen reached across the table and hoof-bumped Twilight. He turned to the audience. “Princess Twilight Sparkle everypony!” Stephen cried. The audience cheered, and Stephen turned once more to the camera. “We’ll be right back.” The show cut to its final commercial break. The audience cheered as the show resumed for the last time that night. The camera zoomed in on Stephen as he faced forward at his desk. “That’s it for the Report, everypony. Goodnight.” The camera zoomed out again as the show’s ending theme began. The credits began to roll all while a majestic phoenix flew to the right of them. > Ms. Harshwhinny > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Coltbert Report’s opening sequence began once more. A majestic phoenix flew against a background of blue and white. The fiery bird dove and the shadow behind suddenly revealed Stephen Coltbert standing with his forelegs wide open surrounded by a spiral of words, like “Honesty”, “Generosity”, “Loyalty”, “Kindness”, “Laughter” and “Magic”. Then, Stephen galloped through a field of more words, like “Charity”, “Compassion”, “Devotion”, “Integrity”, and “Optimism”. He grabbed an Equestrian flag on a flagpole and pole vaulted over the words “Truthiness is Magic”. Stephen fell through a tornado of words that flew by so fast they were illegible. He turned his head and looked forward with an expression of gravitas on his face. Stephen struck the ground and caused the Great Seal of Equestria to appear and then instantly grew into a great blue and white temple of Equestrian patriotism also decorated with the great “C” of Coltbert’s name. The view of this temple shifted to above it where it morphed into the show’s great blue and white logo. The Coltbert Report The phoenix suddenly returned and flew up in front of the logo. It screeched and burst into flame. The studio returned, and the camera panned around in a circle. The camera focused on Stephen Coltbert once more as he looked forward. Tonight, he wore a green tie. The audience cheered and stomped their hooves in applause. Stephen spent a few minutes basking in their praise. “Welcome to The Report, everypony!” Stephen cried over the audience’s continued applause. “Let’s get this show on the road.” As the audience calmed down, Stephen pointed his hoof forward. “Pony nation, sometimes it’s hard being right all the time. And the hardest part about being right is having to say I told you so.” Stephen paused for a moment. “Well pony nation, I told you so.” An image of Discord appeared to the right of Stephen. “Remember when I said how we couldn’t trust Discord despite his,” Stephen made air quotes, “‘reformation.’ Well, it turns out, we can’t trust him. Not so long ago, Discord shocked everypony, except me, after being sent by Princess Celestia against the latest threat to Equestria, he ended up sided with the dreaded Lord Tirek!” A full screen image of Lord Tirek appeared. “Luna’s sweet nipples!” Stephen cried in a panicky voice over. “Jimmy take it down! Take it down now!” Stephen returned now much calmer and facing forward at his desk. “But even the infernal hell-beast that is Tirek was no match for Princess Twilight Sparkle and her Rainbow Power Ponies!” An image of a Rainbowfied Mane 6 appeared to the right of Stephen. “Who roundly defeated Tirek with the newly discovered Rainbow Power!” A clip played of the Mane 6 defeating Tirek with the Rainbow Power set to music. When there's trouble, you know who to call Power Ponies! From their tower, they can see it all Power Ponies! When there's evil on the attack, You can rest knowing they got your back 'Cause when the world needs heroes on patrol Power Ponies GO! Stephen once more returned facing forward at his desk. “Now, many of you are probably wondering why I set that to the theme song from the Power Ponies animated series, but that’s not the important question.” The image of Discord returned to Stephen’s right.   Stephen pointed his hoof forward and continued. “The important question is can we still trust Discord after this most callous betrayal?” A clip of Discord giving Celestia flowers rolled. “Of course,” Stephen began once he returned. An image of Discord winking was to his right. “Flowers make everything better!” Stephen cried while angrily waving his forelegs in the air. “I say he’s just trying to work his way into our beloved Princess Celestia’s pants that she never wears!” Stephen pointed his hoof forward. “And no pony or Draconequus will defile our Princess. Not on my watch!” Stephen turned to the left side of this desk. “Pony nation,” he began anew, “capitalism is the lifeblood of our humble kingdom. But we Ponies are naturally a simple folk. We trade fairly based on determining whether two completely disparate objects have the same intrinsic worth.” An image of the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange appeared to Stephen’s right. “And that’s what the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange is all about. Every year, ponies from all over Equestria gather in Rainbow Falls to trade their old junk for another pony’s old junk. The Traders Exchange is overseen by a different princess each year, and his year’s Traders Exchange was particularly epic for it was overseened by none other than everypony’s unanimous choice for best princess Twilight Sparkle!” An image of Twilight Sparkle shyly arriving at the Traders Exchange appeared to Stephen’s left. The audience broke out in applause for Princess Twilight. “Friend of the show. But you know what pony’s presence would make this year’s Traders Exchange even more epicer. Me!” An image of Stephen appeared to the left of Stephen. The audience broke out in even bigger applause. “Which is why I took a trip up to Rainbow Falls to see what the Traders would Exchange for some of my very own personalized memorabilia. Jimmy.” A recorded segment began. The camera panned over the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange, while Stephen regaled the audience with his thoughts in a voice over. “The Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange. The very heart of the Equestrian economy.” The camera then panned over the multitude of ponies participating in the Exchange all milling about. “Here ponies come to answer the all important question of how much their old stuff is worth to a bunch of complete strangers. I though have come here on a mission to trade away my vision for the renewal of Equestrian greatness as well as get some cheap tchotchkes. I come here not just to trade my wares but to trade for Equestria’s future!” Stephen was standing in one of the Exchange’s open areas with a crowd of ponies and the occasional Crystal Pony ambling about in the background. Stephen then held up a blue book in his right hoof, its cover facing in the camera. “I hold here a first edition copy of my first book I Am Equestria And So Can You! A bestseller on Equestria Daily’s bestseller list,” Stephen himself explains rather than the voice over. He repositions and opens the book so that the inside cover is visible. On the inside cover is Stephen’s overly large signature. “As you can see, it is autographed by none other than me.” He placed the book back in the saddlebag he was wearing and pulled out another with a red cover. “This is a first edition of my second book Equestria Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t. Also an Equestria Daily bestseller.” He repositioned and opened this book as well showing his elaborately large signature in the inside cover. “Also signed by yours truly. Let’s go see what the future of Equestria’s greatness is worth to these ponies.” Stephen was wandering around the Exchange with a pensive look on his face while crowds of ponies milled around him. “In order to conduct a fair trade, I had to find the perfect booth most willing to trade something for my plan for reaffirming Equestrian Exceptionalism,” declared Stephen’s voice over. “Luckily, I found many booths dedicated all kinds of different books.” Stephen walked up to a booth dedicated to Daring Do memorabilia staffed by an orange-maned, yellow Earth Pony mare with three teddy bears for a cutie mark. She was known as Teddie Safari. “So, it looks like you have a first edition copy of Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone,” Stephen himself said. “Is it signed?” Teddie Safari nodded. “Would you be willing to exchange it for not one,” Stephen whipped out his first book, “but two books," he whipped out his second, "written and autographed by me?” Teddie Safari stroked her chin while she contemplated this offer. “Who are you exactly?” she asked. Stephen gasped in surprise. “Why I am Stephen Coltbert, defender of all things Equestria!” “Never heard of you,” she answered wryly. “Do you not own a television?” Stephen questioned questioningly. “No,” she answered. “Why do you think I’m so into Daring Do books?” It was a reasonable answer. Television was a relatively new medium in Equestria. “Nonetheless,” Stephen continued, “two books signed by me are definitely worth more than one book signed by A.K. Yearling. For one thing, I can guarantee the things in my books are absolutely true, unlike the things in the Daring Do books.” Teddie Safari remained unconvinced. Stephen’s voice over continued, “Perhaps I’d have better luck if I tried a booth that catered to a much more exclusive clientele. Luckily, I found a booth dedicated exclusively to any other kind of book. One that dealt exclusively to an exclusive crowd of ponies.” Stephen joined a crowd of ponies before a booth trading away some old library books. It was being manned by a very energetic and very familiar pink Earth Pony mare. The pink mare was standing behind a podium and wearing a blue bowtie, a fake moustache, and a boater hat. “Step right up, fillies and gentlecolts!” Pinkie Pie barked at the crowd. “Come and see if you have trades worthy enough of the books that not only made Princess Twilight the princess she is today but once belonged to Princess Celestia. That’s right. Double Princess! So intense!” Stephen reared himself up on his hind legs and held up his two books in his forelegs. “I offer my two books for all the Princess’s books!” Pinkie Pie spotted Stephen in the crowd and grinned slyly at him. “I’m sorry, but what makes you think your two books are worth the same as all these books that come from a princess?” “Because mine come from somepony even more important,” Stephen replied. “Me!” Pinkie merely responded by cocking her eyebrow. “Obviously, a pony with books to trade away books isn’t going to be interested in trading them for even more books,” Stephen’s voice over added as Stephen was once more pensively wandering the Exchange. Above him, a butter yellow Pegasus and a rainbow-maned, cyan Pegasus flew majestically. “I decided to adopt a different tactic. Trading my books with ponies who weren’t trading books.” Stephen approached a booth dedicated to ancient beasts. Actually, it wasn’t so much a booth but a rather large tent. An orthros was chained to a peg beside it. The booth was manned by a brownish grey Earth Pony colt with a dark grey beard and tale as well as a red stripe over his left eye. He was dressed in an ancient manner as befitting his profession of ancient beast dealer. Stephen walked up to the ancient beast dealer. “I see you have an orthros there,” Stephen pointed out while pointing at the orthros. “You know what I’d think he’d like.” Stephen then held up his books. “These two books! With two heads, he can read both of them at the same time. What would you be willing to trade me for these books?” The ancient beast dealer stroked his beard in contemplation. “Oh, and by the way,” Stephen added. “These books just happen to have been written and autographed by me.” The ancient beast dealer looked Stephen over. “Who are you exactly?” “Really, this again,” Stephen replied. “I’m broadcasting legend Stephen Coltbert!” The ancient beast dealer nodded slowly. “I think I might have something in the tent.” The ancient beast dealer walked into his tent. He came out a moment later holding a small cage by its handle in his teeth. He set the cage in front of Stephen. Inside the cage was what appeared to be a skink with a head and torso at each end. “What is that?” Stephen asked while pointing skittishly at the cage. “It’s an amphisbaena,” the ancient beast dealer answered. “A two-headed lizard.” Stephen inspected the creature. “So, one of these heads is the head and the other is the ass, right?” Stephen asked while pointing at the heads in question with his hoof. “With animals, I usually like to know which end the sh-t is going to come out of.” The ancient beast dealer appeared a bit confused. “They don’t exactly work that way.” Stephen’s voice over continued again as he proceeded to wander the Exchange with much more determined look on his face. “A lizard that literally can’t tell its head from its ass would certainly not be a fair trade for my books on Equestria’s inherent greatness. So, my search for a fair trade continued.” Stephen walked up to a booth dedicated to Discord lamps. Stephen looked into the eyes of one of the Discord lamps. “Discord, my eternal enemy for six months,” Stephen said to the lamp. He narrowed his eyes. “We meet again.” The booth was manned by a milk chocolate Pegasus colt with a black and purple striped mane. His cutie mark was a pink sun with purple and black rays coming off it. He also had a wheelchair harness. His name was Stellar Eclipse. Stephen addressed Stellar Eclipse. “So, I take it you’re a fan of Discord.” “I consider myself one, yes,” Stellar Eclipse replied. “Do you also consider an enemy of Equestria?” Stephen asked. Stellar Eclipse looked a bit annoyed. “Discord is not our enemy anymore.” “But I’m sure ponies assume you’re an enemy of Equestria all the time,” Stephen added. “Not really,” Stellar Eclipse replied. Stephen ignored him and continued on. “And you know the perfect thing that would put to rest everypony’s fear that you’re a collaborator with the enemies of Equestria.” Stephen pulled out his books and set them on Stellar Eclipse’s table. “These two books about why Equestria is great!” Stellar Eclipse looked at the two books on his table and then looked back at Stephen. “So, you want to trade me these two books for a Discord lamp.” Stellar Eclipse leafed through the books, appearing pensive while doing so. “I don’t know,” Stellar Eclipse answered. “If they were books about antique chickens maybe, but this doesn’t really interest me.” “Of course a fan of one of Equestria’s greatest enemies wasn’t going to be interested in a book about Equestria’s greatness,” Stephen’s voice over continued once more as he trotted through the Exchange. “Time to try my luck elsewhere.”   “So these are antique chickens,” Stephen said as he stood before a stand dedicated to antique chickens. “I’ve heard so much about them.” The booth was manned by a light brown Earth Pony colt with a dark gray mane and tail. His cutie mark was of three eggs. He was wearing glasses and a purple jacket with a white shirt along with an orange ascot. “Any chance you’d we willing to trade for these two books that I wrote and autographed.” Stephen put his books on the antique chicken stand pony’s table. The antique chicken stand pony stroked his chin in thought while picking up one of the books while. He seemed to be guestimating its weight. “Well, I could always use them to smash crystal chalices for my chicken mosaic,” the antique chicken stand pony answered while pointing behind himself at a rather provocative crystal mosaic of a hen. “I admit that is quite a sexy chicken mosaic,” Stephen commented. “I don’t make it a habit though of making whoopee to chickens.” The antique chicken stand pony just looked back at Stephen utterly befuddled.   “After my encounter with the odd chicken sexer, I decided it was time for some lunch before continuing my journey,” Stephen’s voice over continued. Stephen was standing in a line of ponies at an oatburger food cart. Soon after, Stephen was standing a ways away from said oatburger food cart. He held up a greasy paper bag in his hoof. “I was waiting in line for an oatburger when these two Pegasuses started throwing free oatburgers at everypony. At least today wasn’t a total loss.” “Free oatburgers are great and all,” Stephen’s voice over continued as he stomped with determination through the Exchange. “But I was determined to make a trade at the Exchange before the day was done.” Stephen walked up to a stand dedicated to crystal chalices. The booth was manned by a pale yellow-green Earth Pony mare with a pale blue and bluish off-white striped mane. Her cutie mark was of a purple crystal. She was wearing a fur-lined pink blouse with a necklace inlaid with a purple gemstone. “So, are your crystal chalices made from Crystal Ponies?” Stephen asked the crystal chalice stand pony. “No, none of my chalices are made from any kind of ponies, sir,” the crystal chalice stand pony answered. “Well, my books were written with pony blood, sweat, and tears,” Stephen said as he placed his books on her table. “My pony blood, sweat, and colt-ly tears. I think that makes them just as good as one of your crystal chalices even if it wasn’t made from a Crystal Pony. Plus, they’re autographed by me! Willing to trade for them?” “Well, I would if I had any idea who you were,” the crystal chalice stand pony answered. Stephen sighed and walked away from the stand dejected. “Even though all hope of making a trade seemed lost,” Stephen’s voice over added, “that was when the unthinkable happened!” Stephen was morosely walking about the Exchange with his head hanging low. Behind him, butter yellow Pegasus and a rainbow-maned cyan Pegasus were dragging an orthros after them. Then suddenly an Earth Pony mare came prancing down the thruway. She was an light yellowish-white hue with a mane of orange and gold done up in two braids. She carried brown saddlebags at her sides. When he spotted the mare, Stephen picked up his head and watched her as she pranced. She was singing at the top of her lungs. “‘Cause for the first time in forever!” the mare sang, “I won’t be alone!” She then continued to prance away. Stephen was left rather confused by what had just transpired. “No not that,” Stephen’s voice over added. Stephen was walking once again in a morose manner but elsewhere at the Exchange. “Excuse me sir,” a mare’s voice called, attracting Stephen’s attention. A rather familiar white Unicorn mare with a perfectly coiffed purple mane and pink saddlebags strapped to her sides approached Stephen. “I’m terribly sorry to bother you like this, but aren’t you broadcasting legend Stephen Coltbert, host of the award winning series The Coltbert Report?” Rarity asked Stephen. Stephen perked right up immediately. “Yes,” he answered. “Yes, I am.” “I knew it,” Rarity replied. She put her hoof on her chest. “My friend Twilight is such a big fan of yours.” “Oh, so you’re one of Princess Twilight’s friends,” Stephen said. “Why yes,” Rarity answered while flipping her mane back. “My name is Rarity. Well, I was hoping if you could do me just a little favor.” Stephen nodded for her to continue. “Two of my friends have got themselves in a bit of trouble after they sort of commandeered a food cart. The cart’s vendor wants them to pay him back by getting him some autographed and personalized celebrity memorabilia. I was wondering since you’re a celebrity if you could sign something for the gentlecolt, and I could trade you something for it.” Stephen cocked his eyebrow for he was interested. “That depends. What do you have to trade?” “Well, I already traded everything I brought with me to get my friend Applejack a pie tin,” Rarity answered. She then turned to her saddlebag and used her magic to pluck a brooch that was pinned to it. “I still have this brooch. It may not be vintage, but it looks exactly like the vintage kind. I’d think you’d agree that is a fair trade.” Stephen stroked his chin as he mulled over Rarity’s offer. “Oh please, Mr. Coltbert.” Rarity batted her eyelashes and smiled coquettishly. “Do it for me.” Stephen smiled. “Rarity, today’s your lucky day.” Stephen reached into his saddlebags and plucked out his books. “Because I have not one, but two of my Equestria Daily bestselling books already autographed!” Rarity clapped her hooves together. “Oh thank you Mr. Coltbert!” “Think nothing of it,” Stephen replied while pulling out a pen from his jacket with his teeth. “So, who do I sign these books for?” “I believe he said his name was just The Dude,” Rarity answered. Stephen nodded in response, and then quickly scribbled “The Dude, you’re the Dude” in the little remaining space right above the autographs on the inside front covers of each book. Once he was done, he hoofed the books to Rarity. Rarity then pinned her brooch to the left lapel of Stephen’s coat. They each nodded to each other as a final thanks and went off on their separate ways. After taking a few steps, Stephen then reared himself up and kicked his forelegs in victory. The film paused and ended with a still shot of this moment. “Mission accomplished!” Stephen’s voice over declared. Back in the studio, Stephen was now facing towards his right with Rarity’s brooch pinned to his lapel. The audience cheered. “We’ll be right back,” Stephen said, and the show cut for a commercial break. The Coltbert Report is brought to you by Colgate’s Toothpaste Cannon.   The Report returned from its commercial break. Stephen turned to the left side of his desk.   “Pony nation, truth is a vaccine, and I’m here to inoculate you. This is Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Coltbert, D.F.A.!” The Cheating Death cinematic rolled. In a black and white film, Stephen was dressed as a doctor and playing chess with the Grim Reaper pony. Stephen pointed behind the Reaper and yells, “Look!” When the Reaper turned, Stephen rearranged a few of the pieces. When the Reaper turned back, he conceded defeat by swinging his right hoof to the side. Stephen then faces forward with a smile on his face. The title appeared at the bottom. Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen T. Coltbert, D.F.A. Stephen returned with “Disclaimer” now at the bottom. “A little disclaimer folks,” Stephen began to explain, “I am not a real medical doctor. I have an honorary doctorate in fine arts from Mythica University. That means I can only perform an appendectomy on a Daring Do book. So, what I have to say here should not be misconstrued as actual medical advice.” The disclaimer disappeared. “As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescolt Pharmaceuticals.” The Prescolt Pharmaceuticals logo appeared to Stephen’s right. “If it’s being recalled, it’s probably Prescolt.” The Prescolt Pharmaceuticals logo disappeared. “First up, curative tonics!” The title “Curative Tonics” appeared at the bottom next to a pony skeleton that proceeded to chug a questionable bottle of liquid. It then subsequently disappeared. A picture of the Flim Flam Brothers appeared to the right of Stephen. “Noted businessponies the Flim Flam Brothers recently made quite the splash with their Flim Flam Miracle Curative Tonic.” The previous image of the Flim Flam Brothers was replaced by an image of the aforementioned Flim Flam Miracle Curative Tonic. “They were even able to get an endorsement from Element of Honesty Applejack,” Stephen added. The previous image to his right was replaced by one of a very unsure looking Applejack. “But controversy soon erupted with a shocking revelation! According to the Flim Flam Brothers’ former employee Silver Shill, the tonic wasn’t actually a real tonic and didn’t actually work.” The image of Applejack was subsequently replaced with one of a silver Earth Pony with a gray mane. He also had a rather pronounced underbite. “He also alleged that the Flim Flam Brothers never offered him any dental insurance while in their employ. Anyway, you know what this means pony folks.” The image of an unsure Applejack returned. “Applejack lied about the tonic’s effectiveness! Honestly, she’s the Element of Honesty. I mean if you can’t trust the very Element of Honesty, who can you trust?” The image of Applejack disappeared. “Thankfully, we can still trust the good ponies at Prescolt Pharmaceuticals, and they have generously sought to fill the void the Flim Flam Brothers left in the curative tonic market. That’s why Prescolt Pharmaceuticals is proud to introduce Vaxa-Tonic!” Stephen pulled out a bottle of Vaxa-Tonic from below and placed it on his desk. Vaxa-Tonic was very clearly not a bottle of Applejack Daniels apple whiskey with just a “Vaxa-Tonic” label featuring Stephen dressed as a doctor slapped over its original label. “Yes, Vaxa-Tonic can really cure all the ailments Flim Flam Miracle Curative Tonic claimed to cure or at least make you drunk enough stop caring that it didn’t. Side effects include the trots, ingrown horseshoe nail, and hoof and ass disease. Well, that’s it for Cheating Death brought to you by Prescolt Pharmaceuticals.” The Prescolt Pharmaceuticals logo returned once more on Stephen’s right. “Precolt. Our Cutie Marks are for Cutie Pox not from the Cutie Pox.” The Prescolt logo disappeared. “Until next time,” Stephen pointed forward and screamed, “I’ll see you in health!” The show cut for a commercial break. The Report returned from its commercial break. Stephen was once again facing forward at his desk. “My guest tonight is the official inspector for the Equestria Games. Let’s see if she can handle my inspection. Please welcome Ms. Harshwhinny!” Stephen ran from his desk to the interview area to his left. Stephen stopped in front of the interview area and took a bow before making his way to his chair. This time, the interview area’s window held an image of the Crystal Empire. Sitting across the table from Stephen was a pale gold Earth Pony mare with a green mane striped with light green. Her mane was styled in a ponytail. Her cutie mark was a chicken. She also wore a pink blouse with a white collar and a blue cravat. Stephen turned to his guest. “Welcome to my show,” Stephen addressed his guest. “You must be very excited to finally be on.” “Oh I am!” his guest replied. “I’ve never been on the TV before.” She then added with a bit of apprehension, “This place does look a lot smaller then it does on the TV.” “Despite that, I’m sure all the places you’ve been and the ponies you’ve met amount to nothing when compared to my show and me,” Stephen said. “I suppose it does,” his guest answered. “Just an ordinary wild mustang from Mustangia here in Manehattan to enjoy a little vay-cay. Never thought I'd also be on TV to boot.” She punctuated it by giggling. Stephen looked confused. “But aren’t you Ms. Harshwhinny, the Equestria Games Inspector?” The mare cocked her head in confusion and turned to her face to the left while squinting with her right eye. “Inspector what-now?” the mare who was not Ms. Harshwhinny answered. She faced Stephen once more. “Golly, why does this keep happening?” Stephen turned forward while looking up towards the director’s booth. “Jimmy, you got the wrong pony!” Stephen cried. The show suddenly cut to its “Technical Difficulties” full-screen graphic. It consisted of a gray background with a distraught Unicorn farmer holding two cables of a malfunctioning television set all while a mouse laughed at him. The words “Sorry! Technical Difficulties” appeared above the scene. It was also set to a bit of muzak. The show returned with Stephen again at his desk facing forward as he restarted the segment. “My guest tonight is the official inspector for the Equestria Games. Let’s see if we got the right pony this time. Please welcome Ms. Harshwhinny!” Stephen repeated all his previous actions and ran from his desk to the interview area to his left. Stephen stopped in front of the interview area and once more took a bow before making his way to his chair. This time, the mare sitting across from him was Ms. Harshwhinny. But Stephen wasn’t taking any more chances. “So, you’re Ms. Harshwhinny, right?” Stephen asked. “I am,” Ms. Harshwhinny replied tersely. “And you’re the Equestria Games Inspector?” Stephen added. “Yes,” Ms. Harshwhinny answered once again tersely. “So, you’ve traveled all across Equestria and met all kinds of prominent ponies,” Stephen continued. “I have,” Ms. Harshwhinny answered. “But you have to admit all that pales in comparison to being on my show with me,” Stephen said. “I admit I am quite excited to be here,” Harshwhinny answered, a ghost of a smile crossed her lips. “I do consider myself a fan of yours.” “That’s good to know,” Stephen replied. He shuffled through his notecards. “Let’s talk about the Equestria Games now. So, why do we have these,” Stephen made air quotes, “‘Equestria Games’?” “Well, Mr. Coltbert, as the official Equestria Games Inspector, I believe the games play a vital role in celebrating athletic achievement of Ponies and others not only in Equestria, but in Equestria’s sister nations. Saddle Arabia, Maretonia, and even the Griffon Kingdom.” “Couldn’t we just go to war with those countries?” Stephen asked. “There are no better games than war games to prove how much better Equestria is than other countries.” Harshwhinny didn’t quite know what to say for a moment. “I think the point Mr. Coltbert of making it an athletic competition is so that we can engage in a struggle with these nations albeit in a peaceful and friendship affirming way. There’s no need for blood sports when you can just play sports.” “Let’s agree to disagree,” Stephen countered. “This year, the Equestria Games were held in the Crystal Empire. What went into your decision to host the Games there?” “I admit that during my initial inspection of the Crystal Empire there was a bit of an incident involving mistaken identity,” Harshwhinny explained. “Yes, we here at the Report are very familiar with those kinds of incidents,” Stephen added. “Either way, I received from the pony that was welcomed in my stead what I believe to be the first ever unvarnished, unrehearsed, and unbiased appraisal of a potential host of the Equestria Games. I could only give the Games to the Crystal Empire after that.” “Still, Crystal Empire’s handling of the Equestria Games was fraught with controversy,” Stephen said. “As much as we would all like things to run smoothly, Mr. Coltbert, the,” Harshwhinny paused in thought for a moment, “the boo-boos that the Games ran into do invariably happen.” “I think they were a little more than boo-boos,” Stephen replied. “From beginning to end, it was one disaster after another. Starting with the torch lighting. Who would have thunk that a fire-breathing dragon would have difficulty lighting a torch!” “Mr. Coltbert, Mr. Spike the Dragon was hoofpicked to light the torch by the Princess of the Crystal Empire Mi Amore Cadenza,” Harshwhinny explained. “That was well within her rights as princess of the host city of the Equestria Games.” “Are you sure it wasn’t nepotism?” Stephen asked. “This dragon is the personal assistant of Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance was Princess Twilight’s foalsitter and is currently married to her brother.” Stephen put his forehooves together. “See how all the lines come together in this network of connections!” “It was hardly nepotism,” Harshwhinny responded. “Mr. the Dragon is considered a hero in the Crystal Empire for the role he played in helping recover the Crystal Heart and defeating King Sombra.” “What about the Cloudsdale anthem incident?” Stephen added. “I found that deeply offensive. And I’m an Earth Pony. If I were a Pegasus, I’d be livid. If I understand correctly, you’re the one who told him to do it.” “Now, hold on.” Harshwhinny held her hooves up and leaned forward. “Mr. the Dragon came to me asking if there was anything else he could do, and I offhoofedly and not seriously at all suggested he would want to put on a rock concert. I had no idea he would try to sing the Cloudsdale anthem without actually knowing the words.” “Beyond just the dragon,” Stephen continued, “there was the frozen cloud incident during the ice archery competition. I know there are important questions like why was that cloud there in the first place. But I want to know is why is ice archery even a sport?” “The ice archery competition has closed the Games since its inception more than a thousand years ago,” Harshwhinny answered. “And before that, it was a venerated traditional sport among the Pegasi.” “You know little known fact,” Stephen said. “You the know the Pegasus filly who invented the snowflake?” “Snowdrop?” Harshwhinny responded. “Yeah, her. You know she was an accomplished ice archer,” Stephen stated confidently. “Wasn’t she blind?” Harshwhinny replied in confusion. “That’s what was so amazing about it,” Stephen said. “But if you’re still wondering about the ice cloud,” Harshwhinny interjected, “rest assured that the Equestria Games Committee has investigated the incident and will make sure nothing like that will ever happen again.” “But if it does happen again, let’s hope that dragon is there because he at least he did that right,” Stephen said. “Well, I hope nothing does happen next time around, but that you’ll still come by to talk about what didn’t happen.” Stephen leaned over the desk and shook. Harshwhinny’s hoof. “Oh, I shall be,” Harshwhinny answered while shaking Stephen’s hoof. Stephen turned to the audience and pointed towards Harshwhinny with his foreleg. “Ms. Harshwhinny everypony. We’ll be right back.” The show cut for its final commercial break. The audience cheered as the Report returned from its final commercial break. Stephen was once again facing forward at his desk. “Well, that’s it for the Report tonight. And remember,” Stephen winked, “Stay classy, Equestria.” The camera zoomed out again as the show’s ending theme began. The credits began to roll all while a majestic phoenix flew to the right of them.