> Vile beast
>  by ZheTwidashLover
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> It Ate Everything
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author´s note: I know this is supposed to be at the end and not at the beginning, but I have to tell you that this chapter isn´t much like the rest of the story. Thank you.



Sweet Tooth was not having a very good day. The day had started nicely, waking up at his wife’s side and kissing her on the forehead so as to not wake her. Sweet Tooth got up every day at four in the morning, he made a batch of pancakes for himself and his wife, ate his and put the rest in the fridge.

He then went to the Canterlot Castle, where he worked a 14 hour shift, 4am to 6pm, making cakes and other delicious confectionery worthy of a king, or a princess. He alone made at least four diffrent types of cake every day, most of the time more than one of each. Six other bakers worked under him at the royal bakery with him, all making the same amount of the sweet treats each day and most of it went to the same pony, a certain white alicorn.

Alicorns apparently have much higher metabolism than other creatures, so much in fact that they can eat dozens of cakes a day without it showing.

All employees in the bakery were sworn to secrecy, never allowed to tell anyone that their beloved goddess of the Sun was a glutton, the biggest in Equestria. Because if it were to get out that the princess ate dozens of cakes a week, there would surely be some mares –and a few stallions- that would stop at nothing to learn how she does it and they would not take her being an alicorn as a valid reason, not all, at least.

While alicorns could eat and eat and eat almost nonstop without getting fat or it showing on them in the least, they could also go days and weeks without food and water. Luna´s return also told of them being able to live at least a thousand years without either, which was good because Celestia was not getting any cake today and would most likely be a bit grumpy without them.

Sweet Tooth went into the royal bakery before the sun was up so it was still pitch black when he opened the door. He fumbled with the light switch for a few seconds and held a hoof in front of his eyes to shield them from the bright light. He lowered his hoof and took in the sight of his bakery in ruins. Everything from flour to already baked cakes was either spilled or missing large chunks of delicious confectionery heaven.

Sweet Tooth´s left eye twitched and he promptly fell on his side, fainting.

He didn´t rouse until Ginger Snaps -another baker- shook him awake. “Are you all right? I just arrived and saw you lying on the ground and the… the bakery in ruins and… and I don´t know what to do, I just… just.”´Sniff.’ She had tears in her eyes now and that did not go over well with Sweet Tooth, he hated crying mares, hated them. So he did what any sane pony would do. He hugged her.

“Shhhh. It´s ok, I´m ok. And we can fix the bakery. Just don´t cry, please, don´t cry.” Sweet Tooth was lucky his wife wasn´t there because while she was not so overly jealous that she wouldn’t allow him to be alone in a room with another mare, she would think something of him hugging some other mare like that, perhaps a threesome?

A noise from inside the bakery disturbed them from their huggytime and they both turned towards the sound. They saw nothing of note other than a mixing bowl lying on the floor in front of the freezer, spinning like somepony had ran into it. They looked at each other and then forward again and gulped.

Sweet Tooth went ahead and Ginger Snap followed close behind. Sweet Tooth cautiously peeked into the freezer which happened to be open –most likely the work of the same ponies who destroyed and/or ate everything in the bakery- and watched for movement for just a moment before slowly inching a hoof forward and taking a step inside the freezer. It was colder then Sweet Tooth was expecting, like it had only been opened a few minutes prior rather than sometime the night before.

There was light in the freezer, but it was the biggest freezer outside of the port towns so finding somepony or thing in there would be a challenge for any pony, even a unicorn baker who knew the freezer better than the recipe for simple chocolate cake.

Sweet Tooth levitated a sack of flour –regrettably one of the few still intact- and ripped it open in front of the only way in and out of the freezer, covering the floor in flour so he could at least tell the princess what species the thief was if he escaped somehow.

Sweet Tooth stepped forward, slowly at first but gaining confidence with every step he took until finally he could muster enough to call out, “Get out here thief! Before I call the guards!” Sweet Tooth shook for a few seconds from fear. After a few moments he finaly stopped shaking, aside from a brief shudder every now and then.

A noise to his left, between two rows of frozen cakes with bite marks revealed a shadow over six feet tall where the lights just happened to be out. The shadow moved out of sight and into the next row of half eaten cakes. Sweet tooth was a bit frightened at the thought of a minotaur being who he was after, even a small one in comparison. He didn´t see any horns so maybe the minotaur had been banished or otherwise disgraced, forced to look to other places for the simplest of things, like food.

But it´s chest didn´t seem as broad so it could be a teenager or a big pre-teen. Knowing that it was probably not an experienced fighter gave Sweet Tooth enough courage to run after it. After all, you don´t mess with a bakers bakery.

Sweet Tooth had spent too much time thinking and lost the shadow before he even found him. He braced himself as he readied a spell all unicorns in the castle staff had to learn to some degree, a tracking spell. Much like sonar, but it resonated through the dimensional plane and no un-enchanted material could cancel it out. And like sonar it came back with information about his surroundings, revealing a hole, or gap, in the map near the entrance to the freezer.

Sweet Tooth heard a gasp from the entrance, followed by a scream piercing the thundering silence. He felt a bit dizzy, more so than usual after a spell like that but he didn´t let that stop him and sprinted towards the entrance and Ginger Snap. When he got there but a few seconds after the terrified scream, he saw Ginger Snap lying unconscious on the floor.  Sweet Tooth could sense a broken shield spell through his horn, the feeling known by every unicorn in Canterlot who gave a damn after the changeling invasion.

Ginger Snap opened her eyes slowly, a tired look giving away her fatigue after just a small shield spell. Sweet Tooth cast a light revitalizing spell on her that gave her the energy to stand up on shaky legs. Sweet Tooth was a bit light headed after that simple spell but shook that of since more important matters were at hoof that demanded his full focus.

“It wasn´t like anything I have ever seen before.” Sweet Tooth´s head snapped towards Ginger Snap at the sound of her voice. “Except maybe a big, tailless monkey.”

Ginger Snap looked past Sweet Tooth into the freezer with a distant look in her eyes. Sweet Tooth also looked but couldn’t find what she was looking at, until he looked in the flour, where some kind of footprint laid in the middle of it all.

While no expert, Sweet Tooth could make out a relatively large footprint with four stubby toes. FIVE. There was one more at the edge of it, so small he almost missed it, it looked like more of a burden then anything else, like something that’s good for nothing other than hitting a door or a table foot.

“Did you see where it went?” Sweet Tooth asked.

“No, I blacked out after it hit my shield. I was still casting so the hit... went through the connection and... It felt like it broke my... skull instead of the shield.” Ginger Snap said in between breaths. “It felt like dying.” She whispered as an afterthought, tears forming in her eyes for the second time that day.

Sweet Tooth hugged the distraught mare in an attempt to calm her and let himself think of what to do about this “monkey.”

He was disturbed from his thoughts when a thud echoed through the room, the starting place right behind him. Ginger Snap apparently saw what he didn´t and backpedaled out of his grip and charged her horn. Sweet Tooth turned around and saw a giant fist. In reality the fist wasn´t that big, but it was right in front of him so to him it sure seemed like it. Before he could react, the fist made contact with his muzzle at speeds he couldn’t comprehend.

As he fell into unconsciousness he saw a frying pan hit the creature in the back of its head, and then everything went dark, only the sound of metal ringing, until that too died out and everything went silent.

> It´s Awake
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Celestia and Shining Armor were walking towards the deepest part of the Canterlot dungeons, talking all the while about this new animal discovered in the freezer of the Canterlot Castle bakery.

“And you´re absolutely sure it´s contained?” Celestia asked with a bit of dread in her voice

“Yes. It´s strapped to the wall with the strongest magical chains the Archmage was able to forge. And just in case it somehow breaks out of that we have two earth pony guards ordered to not take their eyes of it, two of the fastest pegasi in the royal guard ready to pounce on it and unicorns on the balcony overlooking the room.” Shining returned.

Celestia seemed to visibly relax at that. “Well, I guess that´s something. I just want to make sure it doesn’t escape before the Archmage can finish her examination of it. How is that going by the way?”

“She ran off halfway through, said something about needing a clean sample and then something about magic contamination and something else I didn´t quite catch.” Shining looked on the verge of remembering something else but he let it go and returned to more important thoughts, like what the cafeteria was serving while he waited for Celestia.

Celestia looked almost sad when she heard the Archmage would be away. “That is a shame. I was hoping she would be able to tell me what she has learned of this animal. Has it by any chance woken up yet?”

“It hadn´t woken up when I left but it´s been over two hours so it could very well be awake by now.”

“Yes, I do apologize for that. The nobles can be a problem when I´m not allowed to send them to jail like everyone else. Noooo, because they´re apparently too valuable to the community and functionality of Canterlot to be sent to jail. But they can take a six month vacation on a yacht without anything bad happening. You know why nothing bad happens when they take a vacation? Because they don´t do anything anyway! They just take the credit for what me and Luna do and blame us when they do something wrong! I could put every last one of them in jail and nothing would change except all that expensive wine and moldy cheese would stop stinking up everything these rats breathe on!” Celestia was fuming and Shining was getting a little scared. Every one of these words had been spoken while looking at him and she was almost touching noses with him right now, still fuming.

“Umm…” Was all shining could say to that.

Celestia came to her senses before any permanent harm could be done to Shining. She took her regal pose again and cleared her throat. “I do apologize for that. I´m just so tired of these not even century old children thinking they know better than me, an immortal goddess whose rule has caused nothing but happiness and harmony since she started this gig. I even came up with the idea of having nobles. But they were supposed to be honored heroes of fortitude and chivalry, not snots with their mouths stuffed with expensive food and pockets full of money that they didn´t earn and don´t need. They just make me so angry.”

“Are you all right princess? You´re acting out of character.” Shining said, a bit scared for the princess´s (mental) health

“Am I?” A simple sentence, only two words, yet it had the potential to start wars if only spoken the right way.

“Y-y-ye-yes, yo-you are. A bit.” 

“I apologize again, the nobles have been an even bigger pain in my flank since Luna´s return. They say she isn´t fit to rule because she´s monster. She is not a monster. Not anymore. She is an immortal artist, forced to create a new piece of art every night, only to have the little ponies she makes it for, shun and ignore it.” Celestia´s muzzle was almost touching the ground at this point and she barely held back a sob.

“I understand princess.”

Celestia was probably capable of killing with the glare she gave Shining. “Do you really? Do you understand what it´s like to hear the ponies whisper monster when they think you can´t hear?  To see the ponies cower in your presence? Watch them run away from you in fear? To have your own subjects attack you, regardless of guards there to protect you? Even the guards attack her sometimes, she can´t trust any of them. Worst of all though by far is when somepony tries to make her that monster again. She told me she wants to go back to the moon…” This time her muzzle was touching the ground but she still held back that sob.

Shining was silent for a while. He had meant that he understood she was angry with the nobles not that he understood what it was like to be seen as a monster but Celestia obviously had to get that of her chest.

“No. I guess I don´t understand.”

They were silent the rest of the way until they came to the doors leading to the newly discovered species containment cell.

“Well, here we are.” Shining said. “You think the Archmage is back yet?”

“Let´s find out shall we?” Celestia replied. She lifted her hoof off the ground and touched it to the door. The door flashed once before opening, a ward that only gave way to certain ponies used to secure the room as a means of mandatory final resort used for all dangerous criminals or unknown animals.

The door opened and revealed another door, this one transparent and the containment cell was just through that door, the creature visible just across from them. The creature still stood shackled to the wall. It´s legs were fixed together and it´s arms were held out to its side. Glowing red half circles held it up against the wall and prevented it from moving most of its body.

“As you can see it´s still contained and will be so until the Archmage gives us the green light to let it go.” Shining explained to Celestia.

“I guess that´s good news.” She replied

Celestia and Shining just stared into the room at the creature, watching it´s chest move with every breath it took.

Shining took hold of a small stone covered in runes and spoke into it, “Eagle Eyes, has the creature shown any signs of consciousness?”

Through the door, Celestia could see a white pegasus stallion in the traditional royal guard uniform jump into the air before grabbing a stone similar to the one Shining was holding. A voice could be heard coming from Shining´s stone. “No sir, none. The Archmage hasn´t returned either, since I know that´s what you were going to ask me next.”

“Thank you Eagle Eyes.” Shining returned.

“What do you think of it captain? Could it be a threat?”

“No, I don´t think it would be a threat.” Shining half laughed the sentence out, shaking his head to top it of.

“But it killed a pony. That may not be such a hard task,” Shining snorted at that, “but it still killed a pony.”

“That was just luck.” Shining retorted. “It´s a dumb animal, it can´t know where to hit us where it counts.”

Celestia raised one eyebrow and said: “Maybe it´s from the Everfree forest. Maybe it´s been hunting ponies there for millennias but so few ponies go in there these days that it was forced to go out of its natural habitat to find food. Maybe ponies have come in contact with it before but never made it away alive.”

“That…is something to think about.” Shining said to himself more than anyone else. “But wait. Why do think that´s the case?”

“I don´t, it was just something I made up.” Celestia stuck her tongue out at her Captain of the Royal Guard in a very un-princess like manner, her previous episodes forgotten. 

“Please don´t make things like that up your Highness, it´s distracting.” Shining seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Celestia looked at him with concerned eyes and said, “What´s wrong Captain?”

Shining considered holding his tongue but ultimately decided it best to spill the beans. “It´s just… Ever since Princess Luna returned there has been a decrease in guards.”Celestia stared at him but didn´t say anything so Shining continued. “First there were just a few guards who refused to guard Princess Luna and they had to quit the guard, nothing serious, just a handful of soldiers. But since then the guards have had to protect Princess Luna on numerous occasions and have gotten injured in the progress. Third and as you mentioned earlier are the guards that attack her. Over all the Royal Guard has been reduced to only half of what it used to be. If the griffons or the dragons decide to attack we won´t stand a chance”

Celestia said nothing, but instead focused her gaze on the creature stuck on the wall. Without taking her eyes of off the creature she said: “She blames herself for everything that´s gone wrong since her return. She blames herself for every cult, for every murder attempt gone wrong that ends in a dead or injured guard and/or citizen and she blames herself for the distrust these rats, called nobles, have placed in me. She wants to make friends. Talk to somepony. But most of all, she wants to be loved. She doesn´t care whether ponies love her because of her or because she´s a princess. She just wants to feel good for a change…”

Shining would have said something, but Eagle Eyes voice rang out from the rune stone: “Sir! The creature! It moved!”

Shining looked with passive interest in the creature´s direction. 

The creature was indeed moving but that movement was superficial, eyes blinking, fingers twitching, that sort of thing. But the most noticeable was without a doubt the red half circles securing him to the wall blinking and flashing until they just disappeared and the creature dropped to its feet, before falling on its hands and knees.

The creature looked up at the door, through the door, directly at Celestia, and growled.

> Unbelievable
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   For a moment Celestia couldn´t break eye contact with the creature, it was like she was staring into a a void, a void that needed to be filled. The creature stared back, teeth bared and a low growl making its way up its throat. As it stared at Celestia, she felt like it was challenging her, daring her to try and do it harm.

Celestia was snapped out of her train of thought as soon as the creature looked away. One of the unicorn guards had apparently used some advanced gravitational spell on the creature, making it feel gravity magnified to the point where it couldn´t carry its own weight, even on its hands and knees. The creature had a look of shock on its face when it was pulled to the ground, it´s breathes were labored and it seemed to be in a lot of pain.

The creature stayed that way for at least a minute before it stopped breathing. Celestia decided that that was enough and was going to teleport into the room.

A twitch. And another. Celestia looked at the creature being crushed under its own weight and had to strain herself to keep from wowing. The creature was getting up. It´s breathes were labored and it was struggling, but it wore a face of rage, anger, frustration but most notable, determination, and was slowly propping itself up on its elbows and knees. It moved a foot under itself and pushed itself up on one knee. At this point it was sweating, face red from excursion and its whole body shaking from the extreme workout it was getting. Even with all that, the creature scrounged up its face and pushed one last time, only stumbling slightly before rising to its full height.

The unicorns were frozen in place on the balcony above the cell, clearly in shock at seeing something at that size, heavy enough to crack the floor, stand up on only two legs.

The earth pony guards, while usually the most down to earth, (heh, pun) were put off by its sheer size and froze momentarily. The pegasi however, were in the air from the moment the creature started moving and didn´t get the full intimidating effect. Eagle Eyes moved before the unicorns could warn him and charged the creature. He raised a hoof and hit the creature as hard as he could straight in the gut.

Eagle Eyes felt good when the creature wheezed but something was wrong, that wasn´t wheezing, it was just exhaling, it barely budged. Suddenly, Eagle Eyes´ mind caught up with his body and searing pain went through his hoof and all the way to his back and then back down. Eagle Eyes then realized his fault; the creature was still heavy enough to crack the floor, so he basically punched- a solid wall with all his might.

One of the unicorns on the balcony was going to scold Eagle Eyes but decided he had had punishment enough and instead charged another spell, this time a muscle relax spell. The spell hit the creature straight in the chest and it fell to one knee. It´s face displayed nothing but anger at this point. It´s breathes were no longer labored but instead came in short, furious breathes in between its teeth. It was fuming with rage.

Watching the creature, Celestia couldn´t help but be amazed. It was holding five times its own weight with only a part of its strength. ‘It would be right at home on a battlefield of some kind, fighting droves of foes, getting cuts and bruises, gashes and broken bones. I don´t think it´s going stop till it´s dead… I have to try and stop this, before it´s killed.’

Celestia teleported into the cell, she was one of only two the wards allowed through. She appeared right in front of the creature, an act she should have gone without. The creature took one look at her and all spell effects seemed to wash off of it. 

To someone like Celestia, who had lived for thousands of years, it was always exhilarating to see something new, even more so when that new sight was magical energies falling of off some creature like water, the whole thing admittedly made her a bit frightened when combined with the glare from the creature.

Celestia had to stifle a whimper when the creature´s eyes met hers, they were filled with so much fury, all directed at her. It leaped at her, fist raised and ready to kill.

Celestia wasn´t fast enough, the punch landed on the side of her muzzle, braking molars and cracking her lower jaw. Celestia was sent tumbling backwards and the unicorns opened fire. A number of spells were cast upon it, most of them some kind of projectile spells ranging from simple magic bursts to fireballs to magical icicles. Some spells were more complex, like a binding spell to tie its hands behind its back and then to its feet via magical ropes, a dizziness spell, a disorientation spell, a petrifying spell even.

Everypony in the room watched with equal amounts horror and awe as the magical bursts fizzled out of existence, the fireballs turned to nothing, the bindings blinked out of existence, stone turned back to flesh and the dizziness and disorientation spells seemed to do nothing. The only things that did anything were the icicles, but they too disappeared before any damage could be done other then small holes, only visible do to a few drops of blood.

The unicorns all had to lean against walls or railings to stay upright, the vast number of spell having taking their toll. Celestia was gaping; the amount of spells used and the power of some of them would have strained even her if she had to block or dispel all of them, but the creature was still standing, seemingly not tired at all by the ordeal and practically stabbing her with its stare.

If it was possible, the creature seemed even angrier then before as it roared and leapt at Celestia again, fist raised in the same manner as before. Celestia narrowly avoided the punch by moving her head back. The creature was now underneath her head as it almost lost its balance when it hit only air. Celestia spread her wings and quickly gained some short altitude to try and get away from the magic resistant creature that apparently wanted to kill her. Suffice to say it didn´t work out as she had planned.

The creature used its hunched position to gain some extra thrust as it shot of the ground and wrapped its fingers around her left foreleg. Celestia had expected that to be the end of it and a pegasus would tackle it before she would tire, but that turned out to not be the case as the creature pulled itself upwards and grabbed her leg just above her knee, but it didn´t stop there, oh no, it stretched out its arm and before Celestia could do anything, it grabbed her left wing.

With one wing stuck in the creature´s grasp at a very downward facing angle, Celestia could do nothing but fall as her other wing gave one last, involuntary flap, turning her on her side before both she and the creature fell to the floor. The creature landed first, on its feet no less, and used the precious milliseconds it had gained to pull on Celestia´s leg and wing.

Celestia´s wing was the first thing to touch the floor, then came her leg, stretched out to her side at a very awkward angle, having almost been yanked out of its shoulder socket when the creature pulled on it. Third was her torso.

Celestia would have screamed when her wing broke underneath her and her leg twisted but the wind was knocked out of her lungs before she could make a sound. Her head was the last thing to touch the floor but the concussion hid most of the pain she should have felt and her consciousness began to slip.

Seeing their princess of the sun thrown into the floor snapped the two earth ponies out of their stupor. They drew swords out of sheaths on their sides and charged the creature side by side. The creature turned towards them and took some sort of battle stance with its right leg behind the left and arms held in front of its chest with its fists clenched. When the two guards were almost within striking distance the creature lifted its right leg, bending it at the knee, turned its front foot -which was now it´s only support- so it´s toes were almost facing backwards , brought its right leg to its side, parallel to the ground, leaned back and was tackled by Eagle Eyes.

The creature fell on its side and grunted before Eagle Eyes pinned it to the floor. It tried to move its arms and legs to free itself but Eagle Eyes had all of them pinned, so it did the only thing it could do and headbutted the pegasus on top of it. There was enough power in that headbutt to lift Eagle Eyes´ front half so that the creature could move its arms under his body and lift him off the ground. The creature then slammed Eagle Eyes on his side and knocked the wind out of him too.

Before the creature could get up however, a sword was held up against its face to stop it. The creature looked at it for a few tense seconds before biting the blade, successfully rendering it useless for enough time to grab the earth pony´s neck and squeeze it like a handful of wet sand.

The effect was instantaneous. The earth pony opened his mouth and gasped for air, which had the effect of him letting go of the sword in his mouth. The creature spat the sword to its side and stood up with its hand still around the earth pony´s neck. It held him up a bit higher before letting go and sending him flying into a wall with a kick.

Eagle Eyes had recovered at that point and joined the remaining earth pony and the other pegasus as they got ready to charge the creature all at once, no words were needed to relay what they were going to do. The creature looked at each and every one of them in turn and gave a low growl that grew into a roar as it took off towards the sword baring earth pony.

By that time Shining was finally able to overcome all the different wards placed on the door and erected a barrier around the creature before it could do any more harm. The creature didn´t stop but instead ran straight into the barrier, cracking it before it spun around and gave a back kick to the center of the crack, shattering the barrier.

Before Shining could do anything more, the creature had already leaped the short distance between it and the lone earth pony. The earth pony tried to stab it with its sword, but it sidestepped to his right, spun in a full circle and fell to its side, putting all of its weight into an elbow drop.

A sickening crack echoed through the cell as the creature brought its elbow down on the guard´s back, right in between his scapulas and the guard fell to the ground as his back legs lost all strength.

“My legs, I can´t feel my rear legs!” There was panic in the earth pony´s eyes as he tried to crawl away from the cruel animal. His shoulder felt like a unicorn´s horn was wedged between his scapulas while everything behind that was numb.

Before the guard could escape, the creature jumped in the air, spun a full circle and stomped on the guard´s neck, just above his shoulders. The resulting noise echoed through the cell as the guard lost feeling in his front legs as well.

The guards head hit the floor along with his upper torso. His muzzle was first as it broke against the cold floor, enchanted to be even harder than a normal stone floor. He lost consciousness before he knew what had happened.

Celestia had watched the entire thing in a dreamlike state, unable to process fully what was going on. As the fog shrouding Celestia´s mind cleared, she was able to feel magic in the air. She looked to the unicorns on the railing above. One of the unicorns had moved and collapsed by a big red button. The button was a call for help in case whatever was in the cell couldn´t be contained, it called for a special unit consisting of only one member, the strongest non immortal sentient creature known to Equestria.

Celestia stood up on three shaky legs and focused her magic on healing her injured leg. After that she healed her wing, broken molars and fixed her jaw, and just in time too.

The creature saw Celestia get up and charged her. Before it knew what hit it however, Celestia teleported to its side and wrapped her legs and wings around it, causing it to fall on its back from the sudden weight. Deploying her full earth pony strength, Celestia was able to keep it in place. The creature was unable to move any body part that could be used to deliver a hard blow and Celestia´s weight kept it pinned to the floor so no momentum could be gained for such a hit anyway.

“Please just calm down, if you don´t attack anypony then nopony will attack you. You just have to calm down, please.” Celestia said to the creature as it struggled to get out of her iron grip.

After a minute of struggle the creature finally stopped. It was breathing heavily but the glare it tried to give Celestia from under her head -her being a little longer than it was- was still the same. The creature turned its head to face Celestia´s neck proper gave it a sniff.

Before Celestia was able to think about that strange action on the creature´s half, it sank its teeth into her neck. Celestia screamed. Her scream almost made it through the soundproofing spells cast on the cell before she rose off of the creature that was still attached to her neck like a leech, hands around her neck with its feet still on the floor.

Celestia saw no quick way out of her conundrum other than simply lying back down, fast.

Celestia used her full weight to smush the creature hanging on her neck. The creature wheezed as it was flattened under an alicorn and at least seven cakes. Celestia now had a bleeding bite mark on her neck and a breathless animal underneath her that would stop at nothing to get away, it seemed.

The animal gasped for air and anypony with any knowledge of fighting could see that the air had been knocked from its lungs and it was having trouble breathing. Celestia honestly felt a bit sorry for the poor creature, waking up in a cell, then forced to bear its own weight at least five fold without a reason other than look at her funny. ‘But it killed a pony.’ A small part of her brain kept telling her over and over again.

The creature finally caught its breath and wasted no time on dillydallying. It tried to bite Celestia again but this time she was prepared. She made a gag out of magic and was able to place it and hold it in the creature´s mouth long enough to fasten it and keep a steady stream of magic feeding the gag so it would not go the same way as the bindings.

To say the creature was furious would be an understatement, it was so angry that Celestia could now barely hold it still and the gag was starting to take a toll on Celestia as well. Celestia hadn´t struggled this much in ages and it was becoming apparent that she needed to lay of the cakes, high metabolism or not. That thought was enough for her to lose focus and the gag disappeared.

The moment the gag was off, the creature latched itself onto Celestia´s neck again and forced her to attempt the same maneuver as before, but this time the creature let go of her neck and used its hand and feet to launch Celestia off of it, stand up and deliver a heavy punch to her gut while she was still moving upwards. Celestia was caught completely by surprised that the creature had devised such a successful plan in the short time it was immobile and that it had actually managed to launch her into the air with just its physical strength. Celestia´s thoughts were yet again interrupted when the creature grabbed her front left leg. ‘Ohh, not again.’

Lucky for Celestia, Eagle Eyes, Shining and the other pegasus had devised a plan by that point and set it into action.

Eagle Eyes went as high as the ceiling allowed him to and waited for the others to do their parts. 

The other pegasus charged the creature and knocked it into the air.

Eagle Eyes saw that it was his turn and flew straight down and into the creatures back, pushing it down in front of him as Shining´s horn lit up and cast a beam of magic into Eagle Eyes. Eagle Eyes felt like he was just home from a short vacation, all strains and aches gone from his body that was again full of energy.

The creature hit the floor with a resounding thud as the revitalized pegasus held it down on its back. The creature groaned as it tried to prop itself up on its elbows but Eagle Eyes would have none of that and rose to only his rear legs and then stomped on the creature´s shoulders, successfully pushing it back to the ground.

The creature tried to prop itself up on its elbows again and Eagle Eyes did the same thing again, except this time the creature straightened its arms before he could push it down again and Eagle Eyes landed flat on his back.

The creature stood up but didn´t face Celestia immediately but instead turned to Eagle Eyes who was still flat on his back. The creature looked him straight in the eye before raising both hands in front of its chest. Its right fist went into its left palm and a cracking noise filled the air.

> A Shocking Revelation
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Eagle Eyes looked at the creature above him with a new found respect. It wasn´t just a brute, brainless beast, it could learn and it could learn very fast for an animal.

The creature advanced on Eagle Eyes and made sure he stayed where he was by fixing him with a paralyzing glare that Eagle Eyes would have told you could root a full grown dragon to the spot.

Just before the creature was within striking distance it stopped. It looked very spooked all of a sudden by something it couldn´t see, its head darting from one corner of the room to the opposite, from the floor to the relatively high ceiling and then stopping right above it.

The creature crouched low, hands and feet on the floor and then leaped backwards just before a small crater appeared where it stood not a second earlier. Distorted air fell from the ceiling and a loud thud could be heard by everyone present as it made contact with the floor. The air stretched up to about eight feet before coming to a stop.

The air made some quick movements and stopped, the creature almost disappearing before reappearing on a cracked wall. It fell from the wall and gasped for air as the distorted air rose out of the crater -showing it to be nine feet instead of eight- and made its way to the gasping creature and grasped its arms with its hands. As soon as contact was made the distorted air blinked in and out of sight until it disappeared, leaving a hood-clad minotaur in its place.

The minotaur had a look of surprise for a brief moment but quickly hid it to show in its place a very angry looking minotaur. Knowing it couldn´t pull its hands free by simply pulling like it had been doing for about two seconds, it lifted both feet to the same level as its arms and planted them in the minotaur´s wrists. The minotaur´s grasp loosened and the creature pulled with all its might and finally got free, having been stuck like that for forever from the creature´s perspective while it had really been less than five seconds.

The minotaur was again surprised by the creature, nothing short of another large minotaur had ever escaped his grasp before and then this creature gets free in less than five seconds.

A sharp pain in the groin area informed the large minotaur that he had let his guard down for long enough for the creature to realize it had no chance in a fair confrontation. A deep groan came from the minotaur´s throat as his hands grasped his groin and his eyes threatened to jump out of their sockets.

Celestia was frozen in place as the scene played out in front of her. ‘Yes, definitely a battlefield.’ She thought, remembering the last war she partook in over a thousand years ago, all honor cast aside as one´s life was on the line.

The creature used the precious few milliseconds its unexpected hardcore footjob had given it to spin in a quick circle and kick the side of the minotaur´s left knee. The minotaur ducked so he could reach down to his dislodged knee and a very dark blue -almost black- glow of light emitted from his hands. The knee had almost righted itself before the creature landed another spin kick, this time to the minotaur´s head.

If asked, the minotaur would have said that he was getting rusty, his presence enough to calm most prisoners and never had he been forced to engage in anything more straining than flex his muscles to calm the worst of the worst since he started his job in this peaceful land of ponies. All in all it was rather dull this life of his and he welcomed any who could liven it up and inflict pain on him. If he didn´t already know the feeling, he would have thought he was in love.

The creature, unknowing of the minotaur´s thoughts, -and probably uncaring if it did- kicked the now crouching minotaur in the face. The minotaur rose up and staggered a bit before retaliating with a right hook. The creature rolled under the huge fist and the arm that followed. The creature then spun in a single circle and jumped into the air, body leaning away from the minotaur and left leg approaching impact with the minotaur´s head.

The following kick was something that nopony or minotaur present would forget as the minotaur was sent flying a short distance before being thoroughly acquainted with the floor with a resounding thud as his large body impacted with the enchanted stone floor.

The minotaur defeated, the creature turned its attention back to Eagle Eyes, or the spot were Eagle Eyes had been last time the creature checked. Rather than look for the pegasus, the creature turned to Celestia, who had been a busy bee.

While the short battle between the creature and the minotaur raged, Celestia had woven, created and condensed as much magical energies into a small ball at the tip of her horn as she would allow while other ponies were nearby.

The creature didn´t look very impressed or even startled in the slightest that a mini sun, made entirely of magic, was pointed at it by the same pony it was charging. Celestia got ready to shoot, legs spread out to keep her balance and horn pointed straight at the creature.

The creature was entirely unprepared for the blast that followed and the impact after that and the impact there after until the ball exploded in the hall outside the cell, both doors reduced to rubble as the creature was pushed through everything from the simple air to magical wards, spells and hardened stone before finally coming to a stop on the wall outside the cell after the ball exploded and the single hallway was lit up like a garden in midsummer as the creature fell of the wall and into the rubble, leaving a sizable hole in the wall.

Celestia made her way to the pile were the creature lay and ran some magical checks on the unconscious ponies and minotaur on her way until she came to a stop before the creature´s unmoving but breathing body. She ran the same magical check on the creature as she did for the ponies, but the amount of magical energy she had to put into the spell for the creature surprised her. After about half a minute Celestia had scanned the creature a total of four times but it was always the same, it surprised Celestia that it was breathing but quite frankly it frightened her that it was completely fine, aside from some light bruising on its back from the two doors and wall.





The Archmage was an old mare by the name of Practical Practice. Her coat was bright yellow, her mane had adopted a silver gray color and she walked with a limp. Her horn was slightly bigger than most but not noticeably so. Her eyes were a deep red and always left a lasting impression on everyone who locked eyes with her. She had just entered the dungeons when a she heard the sound of stone breaking and felt spells and wards dispelled. She would have galloped there but her old age prevented such things and she would need all of her magic to do what had to be done so no teleporting.

She rounded the last corner and saw Celestia standing above the creature, a surprised look on her face. Practical made her way over to Celestia and looked into the cell. She saw the four unicorns on the balcony, they all seemed exhausted and she felt almost no magic in them, they could have died if they had continued casting. Practical saw an earth pony lying against the wall and another lying close to a large minotaur who she recognized as the minotaur battle mage in service to the Equestrian crown. The three were unconscious but breathing, the two pegasi on the other hand seemed completely fine, there wasn´t a scratch on either one of them.

Practical turned to Celestia “Your highness.” Celestia turned to the origin of the voice. “I know what that creature is, it´s called a human and we ponies have made contact with them once before, in the time of Archmage Riften the Crazed.”

> Expensive
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Celestia stared at Practical Practice, eyes furrowed until a knowing, but sad expression graced her bright white face. “Riften…” Celestia sighed. “I´m sorry Practical, but in his time I was mourning Luna, and didn´t spend too much time outside of my bedroom. Many of the discoveries and advancements in magic he or others made at the time, I never heard of. It´s sad really, he holds the title of most spells invented by a single pony and in what little time I spent with him, he acted just like my most faithful student Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia smiled at the thought but a frown soon dominated her expression. “Shame I couldn´t hold a conversation at the time, at least not without breaking into tears once or twice.” She chuckled dryly.

Practical frowned a bit, both because it was hard to see her Princess of the Sun frown, but also because the thought of being too deep in mourning to speak to the greatest mind in history was probably going to give her nightmares, maybe it would be the books again, running away from her. Practical´s frown was replaced with a smile however as she remembered something about the crazy Archmage. “His personal servant at the time said he invented teleportation because his bathroom breaks were taking too much time from his studies.” That got a laugh out of the Princess and Practical had to wait for half a minute before her laughter died down.

“He really does sound like Twilight. She learned teleportation for similar reasons.” Celestia was again smiling but this time it stayed, until she saw movement in her peripheral vision.

The creature was moving again, very sluggishly, but it was moving. Practical saw it as well and walked up to it with her usual limp. Celestia erected a barrier in front of her to stop her from potentially killing herself but all Practical did was raise a hoof to it and let her magic flow a bit. The barrier shattered and the Archmage turned her head in Celestia´s direction. “Don´t cast any spells on or near him, it will make him angry.” Practical said in a very level voice. “And turn your mane back to normal.” She added as an afterthought.

Celestia looked skeptical but did as she was told, Practical had never lied to her before so Celestia had no reason not to trust her. Her mane stopped blowing in a none existent breeze and fell down past the knees on her front legs, its color changing from every hue of the rainbow to a light pink. “Him?”

Practical looked back at Celestia skeptically. “Really? You have watched and fought this thing, and not once did you -accidentally or otherwise- look at its crotch? HE is naked, and has been for the last hours, and without a sheath it´s been on display the whole time.” Celestia thought back on it but couldn´t say she had actually noticed it. “Well, maybe it´s just perverted old me. I haven´t been getting as much action as I did before I turned seventy.” Celestia and Practical shared a short chuckle before returning to the task before them.

The creature was now on its back and because of the earlier conversation, and to her chagrin, she couldn´t keep her eyes from wandering to HIS crotch area for just the tiniest fraction of a millisecond. As soon as she could make it out she averted her gaze to the cell, where two pegasi stood at attention. She couldn´t see Shining Armor, he´d probably teleported of to get some medics.

Because Celestia had averted her gaze from the creature she didn´t see the Archmage walk up to it and lay down by its head. Celestia turned her head and almost yanked the fragile old mare away from the creature, the human as the Archmage had told her. Celestia watched with fascination as Practical took his head in her hoofs and cradled it like a foal while keeping a small but steady stream of magic flowing out of her horn. The human seemed too disorientated to care for the yellow pony holding his head.

Soon though, the human raised a hand to Practical´s hoof and grabbed it. Celestia was ready to jump at him and pin him down but relaxed again as it just pulled on Practical´s hoof and she let his head go and stood up. The human rolled onto his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows and knees.

The two pegasi took to the air and hovered over the spot they had been standing on. Practical whipped her head around at the sound of takeoff. “Get your hooves back on the ground you foals!” She snapped at them. The creature snarled at them and they looked between the Archmage and the creature. “But mam,” The nameless pegasi said. “That thing´s dangerous.” The human got up on one knee and then pushed itself up to a standing position.

“Do as she says, now.” The princess´ tone was demanding and left the two little choice other than to obey. Almost as soon as the two landed the creature took its eyes of off them and locked its gaze on Celestia. Celestia was tempted to run by the nerves in her wing and leg as she felt phantom pains running through her body, there really weren´t many creatures that could harm an alicorn, their internal magic was simply too strong.

Despite her body´s concerns, Celestia was fairly sure she could trust the old unicorn and so she didn´t ready any spell. The human turned towards Celestia and took a single step, faltered a bit but it kept going, it took another step, and another.

The human was now close enough for Celestia to be able to smell him. He was sweaty and was suddenly having trouble breathing. Celestia looked at Practical who just smiled and pointed her head at the human. Celestia closed the distance between her and the human and stood at his side. The human put an arm around her and leaned on her. He was heavier than he looked and he seemed to tire her simply by touching her. “What now?” She asked.

“Now, we wait for him to recover.” Practical said as she looked the beast over. He had almost no body hair and what little there was seemed to be divided randomly. A bit on his head, a bit on his chest, a bit on his groin and a bit on his arms and legs, definitely a human.

The human moved to stand and Celestia held still as he pulled himself up with the arm around her back. His left hand moved to his head and rubbed it.

“How fast did he fly into that wall?” The Archmage asked.

“I sent him through the doors and into the wall so fast it looked like he had disappeared for part of a second.” The princess answered.

Practical shook her head and sighed. “You probably gave the poor thing a concussion.” Both of them looked at the human, he could barely stand now.

“And that thing gave a number of my guards concussion and at least one of them experienced serious trauma.” Celestia and Practical took their eyes of the human and looked at Shining Armor, a team of medics and a mix of guards behind him.

Unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies filled the hall behind Shining, five pegasi hovered in the air, two unicorns were ready to cast at a moment´s notice, their horns glowing like candles. Up front were four earth ponies, muscles tense and ready to tackle the creature. Three unicorns and a pegasus hid behind the others, shooting short, worried glances towards the containment cell.

Practical and Celestia turned back to the human and saw it looking at the newly arrived guards and medics with a glare. He snarled and Practical turned to the new arrivals with a mixed expression of frustration and fear. “Pegasi, on the ground. Unicorns, stop channeling. Earth ponies, relax. Medics, get in the cell now but wait until we´re gone before doing anything.”

The guards reluctantly did as they were told and the medics ran into the cell. They looked at the Archmage, all waiting for an explanation. “Look at it now.” The soldiers looked but the creature was no longer looking at them, it was looking at the palm of its left hand and over all it looked much better than just seconds before, and it was calm.

As Practical teleported something to her the human growled but quickly went back to whatever he was doing. Practical hung what she had teleported on her horn so she could walk up to the alicorn and human without using more magic.

Practical took it of her horn and handed it to Celestia. Celestia took it with a hoof and stared dumfounded at it. “It´s a… a collar. Didn´t you say it wasn´t an animal? And these spikes…” Celestia looked puzzled.

“There is a reason for this, a good one. Put it on him, Your Highness.” Celestia pried her eyes of off the senile old Archmage and used her magic to levitate the collar onto the human´s neck, it had a special lock that only levitation could open or close, and locked it in place. The human collapsed on the floor.

Practical looked annoyed. “Had I known it was going to collapse I would have teleported here.”

“What was that?” Celestia asked, genuine curiosity and some fear for the creature´s wellbeing plaguing her voice.

“The spikes, they are made of iridium. And the collar is made from a mix of 25 percent crystal sheep wool, 10 percent leather made from the back of a living cows head, and 65 percent Steel Spider silk.”

Celestia regarded the Archmage with a look a shock and awe, all of these were incredibly hard to find in Equestria, but the Steel Spider silk, that could only be acquired by ´´milking´´ a Steel Spider. Steel Spiders were incredibly rare, very territorial, gifted with night vision, spit a highly corrosive acid, lived deep inside caves and were overall really dangerous. The most amazing thing about them though, was their silk, a thin strand, as thin as a thread, was strong enough to hold several carriages filled to the brim with ponies. It was the rarest thing known to pony kind and was so expansive -when somepony actually had any to sell, which happened every two decades or so- that even the royal treasury wasn´t enough for more than ten grams.

Celestia stared at the collar. There had to be at least 300 grams of Steel Spider silk in that collar. “Where in the world did you get all that Steel Spider silk?”

Practical grinned at the question and waited for a few seconds, watching Celestia squirm and shake, before answering it. “It was Riften´s. It was made for humans, to counter their reaction to magic.”

> From The Frying Pan And Into The Sun
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   “Ahhh…” He groaned as he regained consciousness.

A shuffle, clip clop sounds and the opening and closing of a door. Those were the things he heard before silence reigned supreme. His vision was blurry and he had a pounding headache. His limbs felt like lead and his throat was dryer than a GuinnesTM.

His vision cleared and his head fell to his side. He saw a nightstand. On the nightstand was nothing, no glass of water and no painkillers. Whoever put him in that bed either hadn´t counted on him being plastered, or was a bad person.

He sat up and rubbed his head with his left hand, his right busy propping him up. He looked around the room he was in. A closet, a wardrobe, a statue of some sort of dog in golden armor, a large mirror on the wall behind a small desk, and two doors. He looked up and saw a chandelier hanging from the ceiling. Three candles were placed on each one of the eight arms, one near the middle of the chandelier, one on the middle of the arm and one at the edge. Thin golden chains, adorned with what looked like diamonds, hung between each arm. The candles were lit and it was obvious even to him, as plastered as he was, that these were actual candles, not light bulbs made to look like candles, but actual candles. Whoever owned this place was rich.

He moved his legs of the bed and heard the rattling of chains. He looked at his feet and saw a chain fastened to his right ankle, kinky. The other end of the chain was wrapped around the frame of the bed and held in place by a padlock.

A wooden frame. Rich, but not very smart.

He stood up and almost fell back down. Black was all he could see and his sense of balance fled into a corner. He spread his legs a bit and bent his knees. When his sight and sense of balance returned he stood up straight and stretched. He fell down into a split and grabbed his toes, then did the same to his other foot. He stood back up and cracked his back, rolled his neck and cracked his knuckles. He could have sworn he saw the dog statue flinch.

He grabbed the chain and pulled a bit. The frame gave little, but then again, he only pulled a little. The chain was long enough for him to go and pet the dog statue if he wanted, but he could go even further if he snapped it or the frame. He walked towards the door until the chain was almost straight. He reared up and spun in a full circle. He kicked with as much force as he could muster and the frame snapped. Splinters flew everywhere and the padlocked end of the chain fell to the floor between him and the bed.

He heard a shuffle much like he heard when he woke up, he was now able to identify it as the shuffling of armor. He looked to his right, at the dog statue that was now brandishing a sword in its mouth, it looked ridiculous, and he had to admit, adorable.

The door opened and in stepped at least a dozen armored dogs and surrounded him, he couldn´t even jump because of the flying dogs. Everywhere he looked there were spears and swords and horns and… horns? Some of the weird dogs had horns, and some of the horns glowed.

A spear, wrapped in a dark blue aura went for his legs, not to stab him but to smack them from beneath him. He jumped back, anticipating a pull on the chain on his ankle and saving himself from a faceplant. He grabbed the chain and yanked it away from whoever pulled it. He held the middle of the chain and spun it until it was nothing but a blur.

“Alright you bitches, if you don’t back of then someone is going to get hurt.” He said. It would probably be him who would be worst of, but they didn´t need to know that.

Some of the dogs’ eyes went wide…er and a few backed off before backing into someone behind them and steeling themselves again.

“Alright then, you asked for it.” He swung the chain into the group in front of him and scattered them, he then swung it above his head and knocked down a few flying dogs. The chain had almost stopped spinning completely when he dashed forward into the gap he had made to the door.

He was in a hallway with big windows going floor to ceiling but he couldn´t see anything on the outside. He heard the dogs behind him and sprinted to the right, where he saw multiple corridors leading away from the hallway. He took the first one to the right and was confronted with another dog, this one with a rounder face, wearing a maid outfit and holding a feather duster in its mouth.

“Brother, when I stop hallucinating I promise I´m going to make you wish you were dead for drugging me.” He didn´t have time to shake his fist angrily in the air because the hounds were behind him and he had to run, but he was going to uphold that promise.

He rounded another corner but was met with a closed wooden door. It looked like those old medieval doors, he just hoped it wasn´t locked or this was going to hurt. He picked up some speed and jumped. He leaned his whole body backwards and turned on his side, his chained right leg was as straight as he could make it while his left bent and folded against him. The door flew open and he let out a breath of relief.

He didn´t bother to close the door and lose precious momentum so he kept going. He wound up in another hallway, much like the other one but this one didn´t have any windows. He dashed to the left this time. At the end of the hallway were large double doors, adorned with gems and laced with gold. He pushed them open and closed them again as fast as he could.

He looked around, trying to find something to block the doors. He saw a mannequin. The mannequin had on a set of golden armor much like the hounds were wearing. By its side was a long sword, a greatsword, too big for him to swing comfortably. He grabbed it and slid it through the handles on the door, effectively sealing it shut.

He turned around just as the hounds started pounding the door. He looked back at the sword. It was long, but it was slowly sliding out of the handles. He pushed it back into place and determined it was going to last half a minute max. He looked around the room but there was nowhere for him to run, but plenty of places to hide.





Pathfinder and his squadron of expert trackers never lost the creature, if they lost sight of it they could always hear the rattling of the chain around its ankle. They had just turned a corner and thought they had it when a door blocked its way. “We have you now.” Pathfinder thought as they neared the door. To his considerable surprise the creature put on more speed and jumped, kicking the door open with one leg without losing speed.

They followed the creature until they came to Blueblood´s chambers, or the extra chambers he´d demanded for some reason.

The creature went in and closed the doors behind itself and just as they were about to barge in, they heard something like metal scraping against metal and charged the door. They door didn´t give, the creature had blocked the doors with something. They charged the door several times until it finally burst open.





He heard the doors open and the hounds start to shuffle inside. He had left them a hint that would lead them to the other side of the room so he could make a dash for it, now that he had gotten a bit of rest.

He had found another pony mannequin, but instead of a greatsword, it held a large battleaxe. With the battleaxe he´d managed to chop most of the chain off, and leave a part of it hanging out of a wardrobe on the other side of the room. Now he just had to hope they wouldn´t smell him.





Pathfinder looked into the room, no sight of the creature. He tried to make out some sound but the creature was either gone somehow or it was dead still. He walked forward and turned his head left and right until he saw a padlock and chain hanging out of a wardrobe on the other side of the room. He ordered two earth ponies to stand guard at the door while the rest followed him to the wardrobe. He looked behind himself and seeing that everypony was in position, he yanked the wardrobe open.





He heard the wardrobe yanked open, bolted out of the barrel and threw the lid at the small group around the wardrobe. He didn´t bother to see if it had hit someone as he dashed to the doors. Two hounds were waiting for him but he surprised them by grabbing the greatsword on the ground and swinging it at them.

They parted like the Red sea did for Moses and he threw he sword at the hound to his right. He turned right and headed back down the hallway he had ran through earlier. He took the second to last corridor on the left and was confronted with crossroads. He went left again and turned a corner to his right where he was met with some stairs. As he ascended the stairs he heard the hounds, there were fewer of them then before, either he had managed to knock some out cold with his ninja disk throw of death or they were uncertain were he´d gone.

He had just made it to the top when a pure white hound with blonde hair got in his way. He didn´t have time to properly react so he just kicked his chin with his knee before rounding the corner to his left.

He kept running straight until he came across a large room, full of hounds. He skidded to a halt and jumped into closet that just so happened to be there. He heard the hounds following him skid to a halt as well and make some noise with the other hounds that he couldn´t quite make out, it sounded like speech but that was ridiculous, they were dogs, weird, big eyed dogs that ran and flew very slowly and had trouble rounding corners, but still dogs.

He heard them come back and stop in front of the closet. He removed the bar holding the clothes, kicked the door open and threw the bar, clothes and all, at the hounds. The hounds swung their swords and stabbed with their spears at random while they tried to pry the clothes of off themselves while he ran into the crowded room, earning a few gasps and a feint for some reason.

There were four ways in and out of the room that he could see, one directly in front of him, packed with armored hounds, one through the crowd, packed with armored and unarmored hounds, one behind him, packed with armored hounds. That only left the big doors directly to his left. He pushed them open and ran inside, but stopped as he saw more armored hounds and a large, gold adorned hound with both wings and a horn.

“Shit.”
> A Slight Misunderstanding
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, the alpha male, or alpha female. WHATEVER. NOT THE POINT!! I need to find a wAY OUT OF HERE!!” He was panicking and starting to sweat. He looked around for some way out, a window, balcony, another door, SOMETHING! For god´s sake SOMETHING, but he saw nothing. He looked behind him, the door was so packed he couldn´t even see the rest of the hounds he knew were there, waiting to get a taste.

Without realizing it, he had been backing up, to the left of the door he entered. He hit a wall.

He snapped out of his stubber and took another look around. From the different angle he could now see two balconies that he could possibly get to. He looked between them, trying to decide whether he should make a run for the one above the door he entered or the one on the other side of the room past the alpha where he wouldn´t have to climb.

“No, no, I´m probably on the third floor at least, too risky, I have to climb the banner if I´m going to get away without ending up in a coma. I probably won´t get away if I fall into a coma… FOCUS!”

He ran towards the group that entered the room after him and jumped onto one of two banners placed on either side of the door. He pulled himself up as fast as he could using only his arms as he never learned how to climb a rope.

He didn´t notice the chain sneak up on him, covered in a blood red aura.

He heard a something like a… like a…? He had no idea, it was like some sort of morphing or fusion sound you only hear in video games and movies but it sounded more real, like it was right there, less than a foot away… He grasped his neck. “Oh they did not… They did, the DOGS put a collar on me, on ME, a HUMAN, a motherf**king human. I am NOT going to be some bitch´s bitch or pet. I´d rather they eat me. I don´t care if this is a hallucination, I won´t be able to look at myself again if they make me eat off the floor.”

He felt it some more, this time noticing something cold and pointy, and something else, also cold, that led down his side and… “THEY PUT A LEASH ON ME!!” He was boiling, heaving with rage. Strange, it usually took more to make him angry, huh, oh well. With newfound energy and strength he climbed as fast as a less evolved primate and leapt over the railing before something yanked the chain.

He almost fell over the railing. His head and shoulders leaned precariously over the edge and he saw that somehow the dogs had made the chain look like some weird tentacle extension of the floor, there was nothing between the two, nothing to wrap the chain around, nothing to link it and nothing to do anything, the chain was just a part of the floor, the marble tile floor, fragile marble…

He put his hands around the chain and pulled, and yanked and pulled and pulled and yanked and pulled some more until the tile cracked and finally broke. He turned to his left, a wall. He turned to his right, a door, with hounds. “Shit, again.”

He looked at the hounds, then down to the floor below, back to the hounds, floor below, hounds, below. Charge? Jump? One of the hounds raised a spear. Jump. He jumped over the railing and grabbed one of the banners and swung himself over the alpha and the rest of the hounds. He slid down the banner but stopped before he was level with the floor. He released the banner and landed with a thud in front of the other balcony. He ran out onto it, grabbed the railing and looked down.





Celestia had been using telepathy to co-ordinate the guards, right now she was telling them to wait.

Without letting the soldiers hear her thoughts, she thought, “Why hasn´t he moved?” The human had been all over the place earlier but now he just stood there as still as a rock. Celestia was starting to think it was an illusion, when he let go of the railing and fell on his butt. It crawled backwards, away from the edge and Celestia swore she heard him muttering to himself.





“This is not the second or third floor. Or the forth. Or the fifth. Fuck, this probably isn´t even the tenth floor. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What if the floor gives? What if the foundations aren´t good enough? What if they have airplanes and one of them crashes into this place? Am I going to die from poisoning, fire or falling? Shit, I hope the plane just crashes right into me and kills me instantly. I don´t want to die from falling. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The number of floors in this tower, or whatever this is, is too damn high!”





Celestia heard that last part as the human was now almost directly beneath her, and still going.





Thump.

He hit something. He looked up and saw the alpha looking back at him, if he had been calmer he might have noticed the look of concern. He leapt up and rolled forward before standing up and assuming a fighting stance, the horror of the edge pushed away for now.

He watched as the armored hounds tensed but did nothing. He took the time to assess his situation. The armored hounds now numbered in the dozens. There were dozens more not in armor outside and an alpha stood in front of him.

He took a better look at the alpha. It didn´t really look like a dog. One, it didn´t have claws. Two, it looked like a horse. That pretty much sums up his thought on the subject. Ok, next up, deal with dogs and save lunch, dinner, or whatever they called the horse, and then feel good about himself.

He charged. He was surrounded in a golden aura. He was surprised.

“What the hell is this shit. Let me down!” He looked at the horse and saw the same aura covering its horn. “Damn, that thing has a horn… God damn it, FOCUS!!” He studied the horse for a moment until it became painfully obvious to him that the horse was holding him in place, with its horn, more precisely, a golden glow around its horn, it was holding him with golden light. “At least it isn´t pink,” he thought to himself. He now figured the dogs must have brainwashed the horse with some sort of alien technology or, if his hypothesis on what the horse was using was correct, magic. He had to save the horse, even against its will.





Celestia was intrigued with this human, he was running around buck naked without a sheath and would have probably evaded her guard if he had even the slightest idea of where the exit was, he could speak but every sentence had to involve shit. He was fascinating.

She held him in place, using more magic than she thought she would have to, so she had to let him down and try to talk to him.





He felt the hold the horse had on him dwindle and fade as he was set down on the ground. He didn´t run, he didn´t attack. He also had no idea how he was going to pull or push a horse against its will. Carrying it was out of the question, he could maybe ride it. But he never rode a horse bareback before. Was it any different? “Let´s find out, shall we?”

While he thought about his plan he had bent down and gotten ready to spring up and onto the horse´s back. As he bent lower and lower, the horse walked closer, or trotted, which worked out perfectly for him. He jumped at the horse. The horse was close enough so he could wrap an arm around its neck, swing up and onto its back and be caught in more ’’magic.’’

“Drat.” He said, his face the epitome of discontent.

 “How am I supposed to get away now, the aura is red, I probably made it angry.” Now that was a scary thought, a horse who could hold him perfectly still without even touching him, maybe the horse didn´t even need to be close to him. He would have shuddered if not for the ’’magic.’’ Now that´s a scary thought, a horse who could freeze him from miles away. Well, it wasn´t really that scary, just uncomfortable.





Practical stayed to the side of the room, away from the path the human would likely take if he rushed out. It surprised her however, to see the human leap at the princess and climb onto her back, but she fixed that by grabbing him before he or anypony else would do something they would regret.

She walked towards them and said, “I think it´s time he knows that we can talk as well, don´t you think princess?”





Sensory overload. That was a good way to explain what happened to him when the dog talked. He had seen something impossible and was able to cope with that, but to see and hear something impossible at the same time? Too much. He reached out for something, anything to touch and confirm that he was indeed dreaming. His left hand touched the princesses mane, it felt like water, hair that feels like water… 

WARNING! Optical sensors not in sync with other sensors. This error will be dealt with via restart.

He fainted.

> CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!!!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   “Not again!” He yelled as he ran from a herd of ponies hell bent on stopping him. He ran out of the glamorous city of Canterlot and was headed for Ponyville. Hopefully the ponies there hadn´t heard of it yet.

When he ran out of the snow covered city the entire squad posted at the city edge joined the rest of the ponies in chasing him down. He ran. The ponies galloped. He wasn´t tired, being in excellent shape and all that, but he was a bit frightened of the dozens, maybe even hundreds, of ponies chasing him.

He was running down the mountain with the herd behind him when a pegasus flew up beside him. The pegasus tried to get him but he ducked and rose up as the pegasus flew over him, driving his shoulder into the pegasus´ gut. He then pushed his arms up and flipped the pegasus to make sure he wouldn´t get close again.

He was losing the herd, he thought, when a number of earth ponies and a unicorn galloped out of a cave right in front of him and turned to gallop at him. He stopped himself as quickly as he could, falling on his rear as he did so. He looked back to where he came from. He could see the other ponies closing in on him. He looked to his sides; on one side was a steep cliff that would let the pegasi catch him. On his left was another steep cliff, but this one might let him slide to safety.

He ran to the edge, and BingoTM. The snow covered side of a mountain. He jumped. The snow was hard, almost like ice, allowing him to slide on his feet and get away from his former captors. The hard snow turned into softer snow as he neared the same path as before, just a bit further down, and he slowly came to a stop before standing up, dusting himself off, and then started running again.

He heard a noise behind him and he turned his head for a moment. Behind him was an earth pony, the one who led the charge out of the cave, and he was gaining speed. He looked to where he had slid down himself and what do you know, the earth pony actually followed him.

He turned his attention back to what was in front of him and shifted into fourth gear. He could keep that up as long, but he didn´t really need to run for days, hopefully, so it was enough.

He chanced a glance behind him but didn´t see the earth pony so he slowed down and shifted into second gear for a relaxing jog. He didn´t see or hear anything so- OH, never mind, right there in front of him as he turned a corner on the path was a group of pegasi, they probably flew here and waited for him, damn cheaters.

They all turned towards him as he tried to stop himself but it was no use. The pegasi leapt at him and knocked him down. Four of them took a limb each and the fifth opted to stand on top of him.

“HAH. We got him, that wasn´t so hard,” the one on top of him said. He was going to eat these words.

He grabbed the pony trying to hold down his right arm and lifted him off the ground and slammed him into the one on top of him. The pony one on top of him fell and landed on the one holding his left arm, causing her to lose the little grip she had with those hooves. He used both his hands to remove the one now lying on top of him and some quick kicks got his feet lose. He then rolled and used the momentum to get into standing position faster.

Three of the pegasi where a bit disorientated and the other two didn´t even try to stop him, so he got away without any more trouble. He ran down the path in third gear now, gravity making it a bit easier as the path was now more of slope. It came to a point where he had to slide down and that´s when the earth pony appeared again.

It was the same one from earlier, the one from the cave, and he wondered briefly how the pony had gotten ahead of him since the pegasi didn´t take much time to deal with. The earth pony wasn´t gaining as mush ground as he was since he was heavier than most earth ponies, the heaviest of the pony races if you ignore the occasional rich unicorn.

The slope came to an end at the edge of a small section of trees that had been planted there some time in the past. He sprinted into the foliage and kept going. The pony soon lost him since he was much more agile than any pony thanks to his upright stance. Combined with his speed and special reaction to magic, no pony, griffin, minotaur, goat or teenage dragon could catch him in a forest environment.

He arrived at the edge of the forest, leapt over a branch in his way and rolled forward as he hit the ground. He got up and ran towards the quaint little town in the distance, crunching snow beneath his feet.

He had longer feet then the ponies so that would probably help if the snow got any deeper, right now it only reached his ankles.

He peaked behind himself, he looked to the sides and peered at the road in front of him. Not a single pony in sight, good, that was good, it meant there were no ponies in sight and no ponies in sight meant that no pony could catch him.

He slowed down until he was jogging and smiled, feeling pretty good about having outrun a herd of horses, even if they were mini horses. He chanced another look around but this time he did spot something, way of in the distance.

After only a short time he was able to guess what it was. The friendship express, the only ’’modern’’ way of transport in this underdeveloped utopia of peace. He almost gagged on the word modern, it was so far from the truth.

The railroad was directly ahead and if things progressed the same as right now, he was fucked. The train was going faster than him and he took a wild guess that it was full of ponies, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, and they all wanted a piece of him.

He sped up, sprinting full speed ahead to try and beat the train. He focused on his legs. He focused on his hip and feet, ankles, toes and his knees, willing all of them to go faster, to beat the train and escape the ponies.

Just as he willed them to, they pushed themselves harder, better, faster and stronger. The train no longer seemed like a threat, moving so slowly. After passing the rails and getting a few hundred meter head start he slowed down to just a sprint and kept going in the general direction of Ponyville.

The edge of the Everfree forest loomed in front of him. He wouldn´t have to go deep, just deep enough. If he wanted to get to Ponyville in the shortest time possible he had to go through it, which was fine by him.

He had been to the Everfree forest before, and it wasn´t that scary, just dark and full of predators. He wasn´t afraid of the dark and he had long since established that he was on top of the food chain, so it was safe for him, not the ponies, and they knew it.

He was about half way through the forest when he spotted a manticore almost directly in front of him. He kept going and hoped the manticore wasn´t up for a fight. The manticore hissed and raised its tail, a regular attack stance. He kept going but tensed up a bit. The manticore hissed once more but jumped away after that. He let out a breath of relieve and kept going.

The forest´s edge was quickly coming into view, the sun shining through the foliage more and more until he burst out of the forest as fast as he could. The constant sprinting was taking its toll on him but it was nothing he couldn´t handle.

Just a few kilometers, maybe not even that much, and he would be safe, probably.

He ran past Fluttershy´s cottage, the shy pegasus too shy to participate even if news had gotten here before him. He jumped over the small stream running past her house and leapt over a fence in his way.

He had just entered town when the horde -which was now more fitting than herd with the number of ponies involved- galloped over the hill to the east, he had entered from the north. He gave a boost of speed, determined to reach safety from these ruthless herbivores.

He was just about to start congratulating himself when he spotted it, an earth pony, the one from the cave, slope and forest. He just wouldn´t give up, and for good reason. The four legged horror was almost inside the Ponyville Town Hall, his ticket to safety for a whole another year. He willed his legs to go faster and they did. The pony wasn´t a threat anymore, going as slow as he was.

When he got inside he saw two things that stood out from everything else. A large, red button that was attached to some mechanical doohickey and a large, golden bell attached to the ceiling. He walked up to the bell and rung it, alerting everyone of his victory.

The earth pony walked into the Town Hall with a sour look in his face. He exhaled once before transforming into Celestia. She had the same sour look still. “Well, this wasn´t as much fun as last year.” She said.

His right eye twitched as he heard that. “You call that fun? Really? Cause that´s not how I remember it. I remember running nonstop for a week and almost dying! Eight times! The eighth time being starvation! That wasn´t fun, it was torture!”

Celestia smiled her most benevolent smile, the one that she saved for when she needed it the most, her winning smile. “Oh but it was lots of fun, and very informing. The way your body starts eating itself when no food is available is marvelous. You are just full of surprises,” she closed her eyes and sighed, “even after all these years.” She opened her eyes again and smiled at him.

He held her gaze, his hair a silver white that matched his age. His forehead was wrinkled and a large number of spots adorned his body. He closed his eyes as he lowered his head and laid his face in his palm. “I´m getting to old for this shit.”

Celestia smirked at that. “Sixty on out of sixty one says otherwise.”

“Yeah? Well fuck you Sunbutt.”

Celestia´s smirk turned into a full on grin.”Ohh, I beat you´d like that wouldn´t you?” She turned around and shook her plot in front of him while looking over her shoulder to gauge his reaction.

He deadpanned and opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. He shrugged. “Sure, why not.” He walked over to her and she teleported them to her bedroom in the castle.

> Surprises
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Celestia looked down at the human, his arms and legs bound by four chains made of reinforced steel. He had been placed in a cell with no magical reinforcements at the Archmage´s request. Celestia and the Archmage had stayed with the human since he lost consciousness, observing his body’s reactions to different spells and documenting everything.

A few things always happened, regardless of what kind of spell was cast. The first was that every spell required much more magical energy when cast on the human than on something else, like a pony or griffin. The second was the reason for the first. He absorbed magical energies at an incredible rate, using it to bolster his own physical strength and endurance, as well as strengthening his skin and possibly clouding his judgment and suppressing his sapience. The collar was supposed to preserve his sapience and keep his mind clear at all times and reduce all other effects, along with making him look like a household pet.

A blood sample revealed small traces of an unknown chemical, capable of multiplying magical energy and storing it. Whether it served any other purpose was unclear.

With Celestia´s great range of immunity to poisons and diseases, they injected her with a milligram of the unknown chemical, harvested from the human´s bloodstream and magically multiplied. The effect was instantaneous. She felt a great urge to just do something, anything that involved moving and spending energy. She started to trot in place. That wasn´t enough so she flew up into the air and did some summersaults and flips.

Only a few seconds after the injection she was feeling faint. Her heart was pounding so fast she thought it would burst free of her constricting ribcage and start bouncing around the room. Her flaps were getting so erratic she had trouble timing her flaps to stay in the air, until she clutched her chest and fell to the floor, a pained gasp leaving her mouth.

She lay there for an unknown number of minutes. Her breaths were labored and the pain that followed the rapid beating of her heart was almost too much for her. When her heartbeat finally normalized she was exhausted and her throat stung. She at last recognized a voice speaking to her, along with hooves rubbing her back. She looked over her shoulder and saw Practical standing over her with fear, confusion, and most of all, curiosity radiating from her eyes.

Celestia would have chuckled at Practical´s priorities if not for her exhaustion and the pain in her chest.

“-elestia. Can you hear me?” Celestia nodded. “Oh thank… Well, you… That you´re alright. I´ve been trying to talk to you since the injection but you didn´t seem to hear me. What happened?” Practical pulled out a notebook.

Celestia took a moment to gather her thoughts on the matter.

Finally she answered. “I felt full of energy at the start, so much so that I was sure I could rip the Canterlot mountain out of the earth and hurl it to the moon, even with my current limitations.” The Archmage nodded and wrote what Celestia said down. “After that I felt like I had overdosed on energy and couldn’t help but speed up my flaps to the point where I thought my wings were going to fly off on their own.” Another nod and more furious scribbling. “After that my heart started hurting and I´m fairly certain it stopped a number of times. I was aware of some static in my ears and my vision fading to black, along with a headache that I still have.” Practical spared her a glance and then continued scribbling. “Right now I´m utterly exhausted and feel unable to rise to my feet. Over all, a regular pony, griffin, minotaur or anything not at least twenty times my size or immortal would be dead. I believe we injected me with too much of the chemical. And my throat hurts, could I get a glass of water… Or ten?”





A couple hours later and Celestia had recovered. The frail old Archmage had carried her to her room after she announced that she was fine with sleeping on the floor and couldn´t be bothered to walk or teleport to her room. They were talking about the creature and Practical was explaining to Celestia what she had read in Riften´s notes.

“So, you´re telling me he can absorb not only the energy of the spell, but the effects of it as well? That would make it almost impossible for a unicorn or other magic reliant races to do anything other than strengthen him. But what about the gravity spell? That seemed to work just fine. Why?”

The Archmage was quick to answer Celestia. “Because that spell was being fed a constant stream of energy. Spells that are cast once and then not fed any more energy are absorbed instantly, regardless of the intensity or power of said spell. Enchantments are one variety absorbed instantaneously, like the enchantments in the cell floor and doors, even the magical restraints I put on it.” The Archmage stopped talking to crack her aching back, before resuming her speech. “The restraints were enchanted with a relatively simple enchantment; No escape. I´m unsure as to whether or not it affected his psyche, but I do know that that is what allowed him to crush the earth pony guard´s windpipe. A-” A violent coughing fit interrupted the Archmage.

Celestia looked on with concern. She summoned a glass of water for the aging Archmage and patted her on the back. The coughing fit subsided after a while and the old mare cleared her throat.

“I´ll explain the rest later. Those were just the most important aspects of his power, maybe we´ll see the rest in action.” The Archmage made to leave, but stopped dead in her tracks and turned her head to face Celestia. “Shining Armor told me how you acted on the way to the containment chamber, he said you had completely lost your mind, upset one second, angry another and then all of a sudden overly happy, why?” Practical raised an eyebrow and waited for the princess to say something.

Celestia stayed silent for a moment before answering. “Have you seen the statue in the Royal gardens? The serpentine one with the eagle claw and a lion´s paw?” Practical nodded. “Me and my sister put it there after the fall of Discord as a reminder to us never to walk down the same road as he did.” Celestia closed her eyes.

“What happened to him was tragic. He had, as far as we could tell, infinite power and no shortage of ideas as of how to use said power. He was much more powerful than my sister and I, and far older.” Celestia closed her eyes and sat down on her haunches. She sighed before she continued. “For as long as I can remember, he was there for both me and my sister, making sure we stayed on the right path and never let our power control us. For thousands of years he stayed with us and cared for us.” Celestia turned her head up but kept her eyes closed.

“He also taught us that to live for thousands of years one needed an anchor. When we asked him what he meant, he said that thousands of years could drive anyone insane. He would say ‘To try and face eternity alone is like trying to empty an ocean into a soup bowl with nothing but a rounded stone and expecting nothing to spill.’ While there wasn´t a doubt in our minds that he could do exactly that, we knew what he meant. We would live on for thousands of years, maybe even forever, and the only thing we could be sure of was that all three of us would be there, and whether it was on good or bad terms, we needed each other.”

Celestia took a deep breath and grimaced, still not opening her eyes. “One day he told us he moved both the sun and moon, constantly pulling, pushing and dragging them across the heavens. He told us that unlike us he didn´t use spells as a basis for his magic, he just did what he wanted. He told us, out of nowhere, that he was getting bored, that if we wanted the sun and moon to continue their daily rotation, we would have to learn how to move them ourselves. We were shocked at his sudden coldness and disregard for not only our, but everyone’s lives. We asked him if he was joking, but he just snapped his claw and we found ourselves in front of our new responsibilities. We were far above the ground. I was possibly millions of miles above this planet, and my sister thousands. We probably spent hundreds, if not thousands, of years apart. A few hundred more and I might have forgotten all about both Luna and Discord.”

Practical was listening intently to Celestia´s words. It wasn´t every day that one would get to hear the princesses life story, however shortened it was. “Finally I found a way back through a solar flare and later learned that I had arrived only days after my sister. What I saw was nothing like the planet I had left, the ground was checkered. Trees and chunks of earth floated in the air and ponies of various shades of gray walked around with their noses either hung low raised into the air, depending on whether or not they where upside down.”

Celestia inhaled slowly, and then exhaled. “I spent a number of weeks just wandering around, trying to find Discord or my sister. When I finally I found them, they didn´t look like themselves, a smug grin on his face and an angry, teeth baring scowl on hers. I walked over to them and Luna immediately jumped on me, smiling her widest. I also smiled, and was unable to hold back my tears of joy. I looked to Discord, expecting him to be happy that we were all together again, but he huffed and snapped his lion paw. Back then no one was capable of teleportation other than Discord, as it was still a few thousand years until Riften was born, so we spent years tracking him down. The ponies were no help, as their minds and personalities had been twisted to the point where any interaction at all was inconceivable.”

Celestia opened her eyes and looked at the Archmage. “During our travels, we found the Elements of Harmony. Discord had told us stories of the Elements, of how they could be used to cleanse even the greatest evil. He had told us that of the Elements were maybe the most powerful magical artifacts in the world, as he could do anything, except stop them. We ended up using the Elements against him and turning him to stone. What that meant we didn´t know. It could be that there was no evil to be cleansed and he did it all for the greater good, or he was pure evil and nothing else.”

Celestia stood up and made for the door. “He and Luna were my anchors. After his fall only I and Luna remained, until a powerful mind controller and necromancer turned her against me after years of subtle mind manipulation. After I was forced to use the Elements on Luna I had no anchor left and so I started eating. I started eating half a cake a day, then one cake, then two, then three, until I was eating over a dozen cakes a day. Cake became my new anchor, and even with my sister´s return, she isn´t the same as she used to be, so cake is still my anchor, the small thread that ties me to my sanity. The last hindrance insanity has to pass before taking over me like it did Discord. Well… Technically speaking he was Accord before, and Discord after.”

“Accord was our father, Discord was a monster. Accord made me what I am today, the princess everypony looks up to for her kindness and generosity. Discord forced me to learn how to control the sun…”

Celestia cleared her throat. “I apologize. It seems I went on a tangent here. Long story short I need cake to stay sane. Due to recent inconveniences I haven´t had any today.” Celestia smiled down at the dumbstruck old mage.

The aging unicorn shook her head and huffed. “I must be going senile. I could have sworn you just told me that a random assortment of animals was your dad and that you´re nuthouse material without cake. No wonder I can´t get laid, I´m crazy!”

While the Archmage grumbled something under her breath, the princess only laughed. “In any case, Practical, let´s see if the human is awake. If he is not, we´ll conduct another test with the chemical. This time we will only use about 1/10000 of the amount used in the first test and slowly work our way up to larger quantities. Let´s go Practical.”

As they neared the human´s room, they noticed an increase in guards. When they reached the door of the human´s room, it was clear something was going on. Celestia asked one of the dozen or so guards posted just outside the door why they were here.

“Prince Blueblood ordered us to stay outside this room while he speaks with the creature.” This didn´t look good.

After ordering the guards to step aside, she and the Archmage walked into the room. To their surprise they saw the human unshackled and laughing at a table in the middle of the room. Sitting across from him was Prince Blueblood, also laughing.