My Little Pinkie
‘In my restless dreams, I see that town...ponyville.’ I stopped typing and decided to leave the fanfic unfinished... There was just no way in hell I would make anything half-as-good as that. That morning I tried to read ‘Bittersweet’. I always tried to face it, but I just wasn’t strong enough to. It was something that I struggled with for obvious and less obvious reasons. My hand went straight for my forehead, then crinkling my nose. I was trying to make myself stronger, but I had no strength to do it. It was open in Google Docs. Right there... It was right in front of me and I couldn’t get past the first few sentences.That was because of...
“Hey… Rainbow Dash…? I… I...”
“H-Hey... J-Jack..? I... I...”
I stopped myself immediately from reading anymore. It brought me back to a time when everything was perfect. I sigh and take a deep breath, exiting the browser. Closing the writing program left me with a pleasant reminder on my desktop. A teary-eyed, lavender unicorn with predominantly dark-blue hair reached towards me. She yearned for an embrace. Her mane was disheveled, violet eyes underneath and overtaken by watery gratitude. She was thanking everyone for trying to comfort her. I often hugged my screen. My Little Pony was something that I could always go into without rushing to turn off... It could’ve been any episode at any time of the day. Secretly, it was just because it made me feel better. Their warm and peaceful land seemed so close, yet too far away to ever exist. At times, I wondered how it would be like if our realities ever crossed...
It reminded me of a fanfic I read a few days ago. It was the saddest thing I’d ever seen. Just thinking about it left me with a bittersweet hollowness. The protagonist- He took care of her for 15 years, with all of his love he held her hoof throughout all adversity and even in the bitter end; he managed to keep living... for His Little Dashie. It made me wonder, actually... How did it feel to be so loved? And to love so strongly that it would never die...? I click on the video player and leaned backwards into my chair. Suddenly, the power goes out, leaving me in a shroud of cold and unforgiving darkness. I bring my palm onto my face and then grimace in bitter disillusionment. Even after a rough shift at work, nothing would let me get to my god damn ponies. Then again... mom and dad never would’ve wanted me to vegetate like this. They would’ve wanted me to be happy.
It wasn’t going to happen as far as I was concerned.
Oh, I... I never spoke much about where in the hay this was taking place, did I? It was in a shoddy apartment in a shoddier neighborhood. All blanketed by snow. The windows were frozen, adorned by the tiny ice crystals that wrapped them so tightly. It was a cold, lonely winter that came every year. The chill felt worse with nobody else around. My right hand found a lighter on my desk, soon lighting the wax candle lying to my left. Then, I rose up from the black comfortable chair in order to do something other than sit around all day. Ever since I’ve read that story, all I can think of is going for a walk whenever I can’t do anything else. With the bleak and repetitive nature of my schedule, anything that wasn’t work was good enough for me.
Slowly exiting my room, I descended the stairs and turned to the corner only to see a young couple. They looked so happy, holding each other and whispering romantic things underneath their breath. I stood there for a brief second as a memory came to me, then I continued walking to wherever I was going.
Among the brown wooden apartments and the harsh cement, I see nothing but my legs moving.
The snow was crunching beneath me at an increasing speed. It was a small flashback that made me feel so horrible. An image from a life I no longer had.
The streetlight I stood under had an unwavering light. I suppose that’s why I instinctively ended up there. The light was so reassuring when compared to all of the shadowed snow. It wasn’t unclear, it wasn’t unexpected, and you knew what was underneath the light right from the start. You didn’t have to worry about anything going wrong. My right hand felt numb from clutching so hard on my lighter. I laughed momentarily... It was the lighter with a familiar pink earth-pony on it. She ironically warned to not play with fire even though she herself was smoking. It’s supposed to be my sister’s lighter. Then, I looked solemnly at the white cold below me. There weren’t many laughs since my sister passed away... or when my girlfriend left me.
“Bonnie...? Bonnie...!”
I better not have lost her... I can’t find her, though... Where the hell is she? The snow crunches beneath my feet while I slowly meander through the blanketed forest. I wish I didn’t have to yell at her. She just- does so many inconsiderate things. Some snow is falling into my eyes. I don’t care about that right now. I just need to find my sister. I’ve spent ten minutes trying to find her and, yet... I can’t find anything but snow. The fear in my heart grows more with every passing moment. My heart starts to beat a little faster.
“Bon...! God damn it- I take my eyes off of you for one goddamn second...”
Why did you have to run away...?
“Sh-shit, Bonnie...! You know I didn’t mean to yell at you!”
“Bon...?! I’m sorry, okay! I didn’t mean to yell at you! I just don’t want you being together with some sack of shit who can’t even treat you right!”
There’s no sound. All I hear is the snow being crushed. All I hear is the sound of a single man apologizing to shadows. The leafless trees are all jagged and decrepit, held in a frozen expression. They looked so different in the winter. They don’t look lush and vibrant anymore. They look like lifeless husks of brown covered and forgotten by a blank repressive placebo. I look in all directions time and time again. I turn in every direction and search for her, but I can never find her.
After a few more minutes, I start to hear faint sobs. I instantly run in the direction and recognize the cries. I slowly tread over to her and feel tears of relief fall down my cheeks. She’s sitting against a tree, wearing her jacket and scarf. Her brown hair looks rough and frozen at the ends.
“J-Jack... I... I’m sorry f-“
“I know, Bonnie... I know. Now, c’mon and give your brother a hug.”
She leaps up and embraces me. She keeps on sobbing, shivering and trying to hold back her tears. I love her so much right now. I can’t wait to go back home and tell her how much I care about her. I can’t wait to see her face when I tell her about the big party tomorrow. It’s going to be perfect.
Around us, the warm embrace means little. The grey in the sky is frozen in a gloomy expression. The snow keeps on falling around us as we share a moment together. The world keeps on moving and doesn’t stop for us... it doesn’t stop for anybody.
I snap back into reality and realize why I even remembered it. Today’s the same day... December 30th. That was also the day before she had left us... Ha, what a fucking joke. I spent years trying to protect my sister and raising her in the right direction... She doesn’t die from a heart-attack. She isn’t murdered... she dies from Diabetes.
Someone doesn’t tell her that she shouldn’t even touch the sweets in the kitchen, where nobody else is around. They’re too stupid to notice that they’re sister is gone. Their ‘one and only love’ is much more important. Then, four hours into the Christmas party, they go to get something to drink only to find that all the sweets are gone. The stack of cookies, the great muffins and the brownies aren’t there anymore. His legs start to shake when he sees his sister in her state; she’s shaking and breathing heavily while sitting on a chair.... now he’s hating himself for not being there. Not being there to stop it all and knowing what he could’ve stalled. He runs to get help from his mother and father while tears run down his frantic eyes. Before everything goes dark for Bonnie and the ambulance takes her away, she leaves him with a few words.
“Am... Am I going to be okay? It... It feels so cold now, Jack. Can I w-wear your jacket...?”
Then, there’s a smile on her lips.
“Nah... I won’t need it where I’m going.”
The both of them cry and laugh at the same time. They feel pain as they start to grow afraid.
“Ha... You... you’re always joking, Bon. I just wish it wasn’t such a bad time right now... “
“Bad time...? Heh, big bro... Are you crazy? There’s never a bad time... Oh, well... shit. It’s starting to get all fuzzy. H-hey... J-Jack... I... I...”
She coughs weakly and closes her eyes slowly. I know I’m crying. I feel my hands shaking as I roll them into fists. My tears start to fall faster. I can feel them streaming down my cheeks. The noise in the room fades and my memories come flooding back to me. I sit on my knees weeping over my sister’s lifeless body. I hold her in a loving embrace and never want to let go of her. I never got to tell her how much I loved her.
I abruptly cut-off the memory and stand in the silent white landscape. It’s probably the pain, but... I stop because I know that I can’t keep re-living the experience. It wouldn’t let me move on... It wouldn’t let me laugh or smile. And, that was the worst thing of all... All my life, I always thought laughter was the best thing someone could have. There was never a dull moment when you were laughing. Everything seemed to be so right. Then, I think of Pinkie Pie. A laugh escapes my lips as I shake my head. My sister was the one to introduce me to My Little Pony. Pinkie was her favorite.
It was years ago... a few years too soon. I needed a good laugh. I needed a good party and I sure as hell wasn’t going to get one. A guilty laugh escapes me and it stings my heart. Looking at the stars intently, I make a doomed wish. I wish that maybe I could find a way to stop wallowing in despair. I wish... to be able to laugh so freely again, as if all my troubles were all behind me. Sarcastically, I also throw in a request for a wild party. Closing my eyes and laughing bitterly, my right foot bumps into something soft and fluttery. There was a... cloud right beside the stoplight. It didn’t smell exclusively like water, actually. It... Smelled like something sweet as well: like cotton candy.
-------
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a sliver of dark-pink hair slip through the cloud’s puffy grey body. In the freezing cold, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I lowered myself onto one knee in order to take a closer look... A few blankets covered the small animal; it resembles something that I know all too well. My mind tells me to be skeptical, but I know exactly what this is resting on the cloud.
Underneath the green, blue, and indigo cloth I see a young filly... Through the layers, her coat was a light shade of pink. It’s her hair that stands out, mostly. It’s a dark-pink mane that falls straight down and over a small portion of her blankets. She’s younger than I’ve ever seen her. She’s slightly smaller than she was in episode 23. It looked like Pinkie was in a deep and concentrated sleep. The way her eyebrows furrowed, it looked like she was upset at something... As I draw closer, I see she has a tinge of sadness to her expressive eyes...
I look once more to the ground below me.
“It’s not safe... It’s too cold for anybody out here by themselves. I can’t... I can’t just let you sit here and freeze to death.”
I look at the filly and she moves in her sleep. Her back is turned to me. In a small moment of thought, I see that she has a small pinkish glow about her... It starts to fade quickly, increasing the more I stand there and try to think about what it could possibly mean. Then, I suddenly panic in my rush to try and put my arms underneath Filly Pinkie Pie. As luck would have it, I manage to barely catch her as she falls right through the bottom of the already low-to-ground-level cloud. She woke up instantly and looked quickly at her surroundings. I try bringing her into my own jacket, but she nervously looks around and prepares to jump away from me. As I still hold her at somewhere near arm’s length, I try reassuring her.
“It’s ok, Pinkie, I’m not trying to hurt you...“ Then, her eyes softened just a little bit. She still looked confused, but she seemed so much more relieved now.
“I’ll try to carry you this way for the rest of the trip home... Is that ok? Or, if you want, you can just walk beside me.”
“Please- just don’t run away and get lost...”
Her expression was less tense now. She closed her eyes and calmly sat in my hands. That made the snow treading easier, though my arms were burning by the time I got back.
It wasn’t long before I reached home with her... My hair was covered in melting ice as I entered my shabby apartment room. As I took off my shoes, Filly Pinkie Pie hopped, skipped, and jumped onto the soft carpet floor. There weren’t many stains on it since I didn’t have much company over. She turned to face me and sat down with her forelegs near her stomach. I saw her look right at me with the most subtle hint of curiosity. Her expression didn’t change much, but... she seemed just a little more hopeful now. I gave her an awkward smile and tried my part at speaking again.
“Uh, hi there... Do you know how you got here...?”
She gave no response, but her face said it all. It was obvious that she was just as confused as I was. I should’ve slapped myself for thinking that she could even understand me. Filly Pinkie Pie’s stomach grumbled; she got up and started slowly inspecting the new squarespace. I watched her slowly move from one point to another. She was so calm and reserved. It was disquieting to say the least. At this point in time, I have no idea about anything. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to magically make Pinkie grow into the pony we all know and love. I can’t tell if she’s actually supposed to be a normal, somewhat relaxed pony. I don’t know what to do, and it frustrates me. I plop down onto my mattress and sigh tiredly. My hands meet my face while I lay down on my bed, defeated by the entire idea of what just took place.
The previous sound of her stomach growling reintroduced itself to me. I felt a tinge of energy erupt within me. I couldn’t go to sleep yet. Pinkie needed to eat something. On my kitchen counter, I look at the sardonically fitting treat lying motionless and mocking me. It was a rainbow cupcake. I ask myself why I didn’t just eat it yesterday, since I bought it 2 days ago. It still has its wrapping and it still looks good enough to eat. I take it off of the counter and walk over to Pinkie, who’s now sitting down on the mattress.
Her ears perk up as she becomes more aware. I kneel down and pet the back of her neck.
“Are you hungry, Pinkie Pie?”
I take the frosted rainbow cupcake out of its wrapper and hold it out to her in my right hand. Her eyes move over to me and back at the cupcake. She slowly leans over and takes a small bite out of the top. Her eyes light up instantly. I can see her still swishing her tongue to slowly savor the sweet flavor.
“It’s a cupcake, Pinkamena. Doesn’t it taste wonderful?”
A small smile creeps onto her face. Then, she eats the whole thing in one bite. She smiles warmly and nuzzles my hand... My heart doesn’t explode, but it might as well. I feel so warm. I feel so loved for the first time in years. Even though I feel tired, I don’t falter as I know no pain right now. I was strong if only for her sake. I take a medium bowl and fill it with water, setting it on the floor near the side of the mattress. Filly Pinkie Pie rises from the bed and starts to drink the water slowly. As she does this, I try and see what I could do to feed her. The fridge wasn’t that full... There was still some fruit left from yesterday. I hold an apple in my right hand and a banana in my left.
“Hey, Pinkie... Do you like bananas?” I snicker and then stop when I realize that I have no life.
She turns and looks at me with a blank expression and then goes back to gingerly sipping the water. After I fed her the fruit and she stopped drinking water, my fatigue finally caught up to me. I lay tiredly on the mattress while trying not to land on Pinkie. She sits to my right, facing me, looking on with heavy eyes. We’re both tired. As strange as it was seeing Pinkie Pie like this, she had probably gone through a lot lately. I feel myself slowly drifting off to sleep, I yawn and stretch my limbs once more for the night. My eyes close and I feel darkness surround me. Within a few moments, the joy of dreamland finds me, veiling me once more with silence. Then, I wake up just as quickly as I had fallen asleep. I stare at the place Pinkie Pie used to be, only to investigate a warm feeling at my chest.
Her body rests soundly against my bitter heart. Her pink coat mildly brushes against me as she shifts around. I can see her taking tiny, calm and relaxed breaths. I can’t help but feel my heart melt at what I see before me. She has a smile of content and happy thoughts, as if she has nothing to fear and nothing to worry about. A sudden rush of warmth runs through me as I simply lie here. My life no longer feels empty. My heart no longer feels hollow and calloused... Somehow, everything seems meaningful at this very moment. She wasn’t a dream... She wasn’t going to disappear after I awoke... She was a miracle born from a wish. In the season of cold and brutal snow storms, I found the exact opposite. I found a warm, vibrant and precious thing. I softly close my eyes and channel all of my love into one gentle embrace for her... for My Little Pinkie.
---------
The days have passed by alarmingly quickly in the past few months. Actually, no, it’s been a little over a few months. I look at my new calendar on the freshly painted walls. The beige seems to calm me, but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Beige was always dad’s favorite color. A small tear escapes my eye. Thanks to him, I was able to get out of the apartment. I live in his house now. I just wish that he were still here. I shut my eyes for a brief second. I was the only one left now. First, my sister had left. Then, it was my mother. Now... my father was only a memory. The funeral took place five months ago, and yet it was still hard to accept. I had spent so much time caring for Pinkie that I had never found time to cope with it. The wooden floor creaks as I slowly make my way to Pinkie’s room. She’s 11 months old now. I laugh just a little as I see my bundle of joy. As she sleeps, she still wears that old party hat of hers. She lies lazily atop of her covers with her tongue sticking out. Her coat is stained with some frosting from yesterday’s party. Pinkie’s straight-yet-puffy hair is disheveled, crunched underneath her and jutting out from the side.
I remember her first party like it was yesterday. But, it wasn’t... because yesterday was her sixth party. I threw her first party last month. 10 months after the fateful day I found her: December 30th. The memory makes me appreciate her more every day. It all began with an incident that I never really got over.
A few weeks before the party, she suffered an accident. The morning it had happened, I had taken my eyes off of her. Not even for a good reason, either. One cigarette should never be worth more time than one of your own.
It was a quiet day and I had just stepped outside to take a little morning break. She probably stepped outside without me knowing... She was the type of pony who’d be hard to hear coming. I remember hearing a small thud from my left. I had thought it was something else, still trying to figure out what it was. Then, I suddenly looked behind me to confirm my fears. The truth slowly dawned on me... She wasn’t inside watching T.V like she should’ve been. The small thud was... her. It was a two story drop.
At that moment, I found hatred for myself. It rose in my heart as I began running faster... I didn’t have time to hate myself, though. I just had to see her still breathing. Then and there, my heart was racing just as I was. It was beating frantically, fueled by guilt and dread. I saw her struggling to get to her feet, fighting for consciousness. I ran as fast as I probably ever did in my entire life. She was breathing and barely with me. I held her tightly with all of my strength, still rushing to get back inside. I saw her icy unbroken eyes as I glanced at her. Despite all of her toiling, she didn’t shed a single tear. She was trying her best to cope with it, scowling from the sharp pains in her forelegs.
The door slammed open as I rushed into the medical closet. Dad hadn’t touched it ever since mom left. I was just thankful that she didn’t go without saying goodbye. My mother had left me with some of her basic medical knowledge. It was enough for me to realize what was wrong with her when I finally got back inside of my father’s house. Her bones hadn’t snapped, and she had only been bruised lightly. She was still going to be able to walk after a while. I felt my hands shaking and my eyes watering. They were tears of relief... at the miracle of her impermanent condition and at a new opportunity. I had been given a second chance. Despite the amount of time that has passed... I never forgave myself for that day. I should’ve paid attention. I should’ve been watching her and not feeding my horrible addiction. There is no way that I can ever forgive myself for my greatest failure... but, I know that dwelling on it would make my family sad. They wouldn’t want me to be this way.
I took care of her for the next few weeks. She was gradually healing every day, but I wondered... did I eventually traumatize her? I worried that she would never be comfortable with heights again. Her legs eventually recovered as fall slowly passed. I knew that she was taking it better than I was. She was still quiet, but she had grown happier over the time we spent together since I found her. She now had a small smile on her face for every day that went by. The day was Saturday, eight weeks after the event happened. It was around noon that she woke up to see the streamers and the poorly made pastries. I still remember the look on her face... The memory makes me smirk reassured. Her eyes instantly lit-up. There was something different about them that day. They were so bright and full of life. It was like something in her had sparked, springing into life and blazing wildly. I was smiling and probably bursting with energy. I remember saying to her...
“Surprise! Whaddya think...?”
I didn’t actually expect a response, but I got one anyway. Her eyes grew wide in astonishment. There was a slight, hushed gasp that escaped her. There was wonder in her eyes, as if she was falling under a spell caused by the bright spectrum before her. She suddenly seemed so happy right then and there. I walked over to her and knelt down onto one knee, I hugged her as I always did and closed my eyes for a brief moment.
“Today’s a special day, Pinkie. Today, I’m throwing this party just for you.”
I couldn’t tell you how happy she looked. It was like she had witnessed a miracle of some sort, when in reality, I had just tried my best to spruce up the kitchen with party supplies. It was probably the thought that counted. She nuzzled me in returning the embrace.
“Now... let’s get this party started, huh?”
There were rainbow cupcakes on the table. Rainbow frosting and rainbow sprinkles. Her cake was the centerpiece, and apparently great with hot sauce. Her light cyan cake gave her the biggest sugar rush. It was a party that lasted for seven hours. That was the day that I had heard her first laugh. It was high-pitched, vibrant, and most of all; it made all my troubles seem so distant. All I knew was that Pinkie was finally living, and that was all that mattered to me. It might’ve just been my imagination, but from that day on... I could’ve sworn that her mane was growing puffier every day.
I suddenly laugh to myself again, but for a different reason. I hadn’t been crying because it was impossible to cry with Pinkie around. I stand in that very same spot contemplating my initial thought. I was going to wake her for our daily linguistic lessons. She had finally started to grasp the concept of language. Every day, I would try my best to have her learn how to speak and do things like write and draw. She had trouble with drawing, mostly because she had to use her mouth to hold a pencil. One thing that she loved to do was sing. She sang notes every morning. Even though she didn’t have many words to say, she never stopped humming. She liked singing. We liked singing. It makes me feel so alive, though I don’t know what it exactly does for my bundle of joy.
My mind makes the decision. I won’t wake her up just yet; she deserves some rest after yesterday’s party. When she woke up, I would spend the rest of the day with her. I’ll make us breakfast and make a silly face for her. Then, we’ll be watching cartoons together in the living room. Then, we can have a nice stroll around the four acres that I inherited with the house. She’ll roll around the grass and then find a way to make the day memorable. It’ll be one of the best Saturdays in a long time. The day would take off eventually, but it would have to wait for now. A sigh escapes my lips as I head into my room... I still had no clue about the events that led me to find her. I don’t know how to approach the idea, or how to even understand it... and it frustrates me.
I suddenly see my little Pinkie look at me with a drowsy and worried face. She walks over to me and flashes a look of concern before nuzzling my hand. I stop worrying and give her a soft embrace. I never want to let go of her... She won’t always be with me... She’ll have to go at some point, and then my joy will have left forever. In my heart, I curse the future and bless the moment... There was no time to worry. My little pony was the only thing that I had time for. I tell her how much I love her, just like I do every day... Then, she follows me as I walk slowly to my kitchen, basking in the light of a new beginning. The sunlight pours in through the kitchen window as I see Pinkie sitting in front of me. Her shining, radiant smile is all I look forward to every morning.
A cold breeze runs through my hair and mildly stirs the trees. Six years... six years is a long time. The blue sky is dotted with white clouds. Today was a special day. We were planning it ever since last week. I bought the streamers and the party hats. I even bought her favorite kind of cake. It was a light cyan cake, with rainbow frosting. Smoke flies into the wind as I flicker some of the embers away. Smoking wasn’t a good habit. Pinkie’s been trying to help me stop, actually... I smile softly and look into the grassy landscape. She’s a big girl now.
I suddenly hear the balcony door slide open. I casually turn my head to see what’s behind me. I smirk at what I see. She’s breathing heavily and grinning ear-to-ear. This is it. I extinguish the cigarette and toss it into the waste-bin.
“D-Daddy! I got everything ready! Quick-! Come inside!”
She hops back inside without closing the door, I can see her puffy mane bouncing up and down. The house rumbles from all of her excitement. It might not have looked like it, but she was heavier and stronger than she looked. She accidentally knocked the wind out of me once. We were playing just like always. It happened a few weeks ago, actually. I don’t think she’s ever really gotten over it... but she’s never been one to like hurting anything. Stepping inside of my house, I close the door behind me and see that the place is completely dark. I’m a little nervous, but I know that I won’t see ‘Life is a party’ anywhere. Then I shake my head in disappointment. Why was I even thinking of that..?
Abruptly, the lights turn on and reveal what she had been working on so tirelessly since this morning. My eyes widen and my mouth falls open. A small gasp escapes me. I stare with awe at a sight I can barely describe. It’s a bright haven of vibrant pink and gold, accompanied by the entire color spectrum. Balloons and streamers of various shades of pink, all shining in the bright lights and the rays of the sunny day. I see an ocean of vivid life in her assortments of desserts and pastries, the confetti and glitter bursts into the air and breathes life into the moment. The passionate forms reach the peak of their travel and begin to fall slowly around their creator. She stands there smiling, content, nervous and jittery and gleaming effortlessly among the fading beauty she’s pieced together with her own hooves. My eyes are nearly blinded by the intense beauty of it all.
“Surprise...! So, whaddya think...?”
I feel my lips try and form words, but there is nothing suitable to describe this sort of amazement. In all of my years of throwing parties, nothing was comparable to this...
“Oh, you... you don’t like it?” Her eyes fell slightly, and her mane sank just a pinch. The confetti then landed around her, silent in it’s final moments. My gaze is lowered to the ground.
“Are... you kidding me...?” I raise my head to look her in the eyes and proceed to break the moment of silence.
“This is The Best Party Ever!” I can see her eyes light-up once more. In her excitement, she makes a high-pitched noise and holds her arms in the air
“Y-You do love it!” Pinkie grabs me by the sleeve with her teeth, taking me over to the table covered in assorted sweets. Then she lets go of me and starts to shake mildly. It looks like she’s twitching. Within an instant, a small flash of light comes from her flank. She turns her head to look at it, then her eyes widen in astonishment.
“D-daddy, look-! look!” Within an instant, I can feel my own facial expression change. The rays of light perfectly highlight her pink coat, cascading through the thin glass windows. I see three balloons on her flank... two are colored a light shade of blue, while the center one is a bright yellow. In my amazement, I don’t notice that she’s already at the table. I slowly make my way over to her. I can feel my heart swelling with pride and excitement. My little girl was all grown-up now... After all of these years wondering when it was going to happen, she had finally gotten that special mark... I glance over at her. She holds a cupcake halfway to her mouth and sees me. Pinkie grins sheepishly and puts the treat down onto the table.
“I know, I know...”
She tries to reassure me and smiles meekly.
“Not too many.”
----------
It’s been a year and... What, like- a month? The sun is shining and everything looks so great outside. Sometimes, I just wanna break into song. I look outside the window and see all of the shiny grass. It all looks a little smushed, but I already know why. My bed feels like it’s a little worn out. I think I really need to stop jumping on it. But- who cares?! I just don’t really like the squeaky springs, but the bed is still really soft and comfy. I sat up in my bed and looked over to the door. The walls still had my posters and the door was closed. I don’t remember closing it, though... My hair feels really messy when I touch it. All of the parties leave it really hard to comb. But, it’s always hard to comb my hair. It’s actually hard to do anything now that I think about it. All I need to do is push the door open. It’s not even closed. I had Daddy’s party hat with me; it was going to be the best day ever! I’m so excited to start the day that I start singing a little.
“Watch as I work-“
I stop singing and try to listen closer to the house. I just heard a loud sound... Oh my gosh- I hear it again. It sounds like something’s bumping into the house. It’s really, really loud- like, something violent is happening. Then, I... I really get scared for a second. Where- where’s da- I can hear someone coming near the front door. Its heavy footsteps... like someone big and strong. I try my best to run into the medical closet. There’s a small door inside there that leads to my secret hideout. Quick, quick, quick! I try to shut the door really quietly but then I’m kind of scared so it’s hard to be sneaky like I usually am when playing hide-and-seek, so then the door makes a small noise anyway and then I really try hard to get into my secret hideout and -Heugh!-open the door and shut it and then put my hooves over my head while huddling as far away from the door as possible! Daddy... I hope it’s my Daddy.
Then, I hear the person fall down with a loud bump. My hooves cover my mouth. I can’t make a sound...! Or, they might do really bad things to me! I start to hear... laughing? It sounds just like...
“Pinkie...? C-can you come out here for a second...?”
It’s Daddy! I run out of my super-secret hideout as fast as I can. I can’t wait to see him-! Then I stop running when I find him. I... can’t believe what I see.
“D-daddy...? Wh-why are you covered in blood...?”
Dad is sitting against the door... He’s bleeding out from his chest. His shirt is all red and... I can’t think of him bleeding. I can’t really imagine how much it hurts. He was still smiling and laughing a little... It sounded like he was scared. He moves himself forward a little and groans.
“Daddy, don’t move! You told me that it’s not good to move after you’re hurt like that!”
My hoof was reached out in front of me. I didn’t want him to end up getting hurt even more.
“It’s... it’s okay, Pinkie Pie. I’m... I’m not afraid.”
His hands are at his belly. That’s where all of the blood’s coming from. There’s something in my eye... I think I’m crying. I keep thinking of losing my daddy and I can’t make it go away...!
“Daddy, what happened to you...?”
I tried to go and look for medicine in the closet. He needed something. Anything would help him. He’d get better, right...?
“Pinkie... You don’t have to look for anything. I-I’ve already found some medicine. I took some aspirin.” I took some painkillers off of the second shelf. I rushed back to my dad to give him some. He looked right at me. He was still smiling. He looked like... he didn’t have a care in the world. Like, nothing was bothering him.
“Daddy’s still smiling, Pinkie...! I... hah... I’m okay. Nothing a little sleep can’t fix. Ha, ha ha...”
“Daddy, I- I need to get you to the hospital! They can fix this, can’t they...?”
Can’t they...?
His laughing sounds like sobbing now... I can see his tears. They’re so small, but- I can just barely see them in the corner of his eyes... He doesn’t want me to see them.
“Pinkie... Can you do me a favor...? Can... Can you give me a hug...? I keep laughing... but... it’s not working as well as it used to... haha... ha... ha...”
I jump over to him and give him the biggest hug I can give. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop begging him to stay with me. Don’t go... Don’t go...
“Daddy, I... I love you...! But- don’t leave me here... I... I don’t wanna be alone. Not now. Not ever...”
I think I’m whispering now. My heart is pounding and drowning everything else out. The only other thing I can hear is my dad’s strong voice.
“Ha... ha... You silly... filly... I’m the strongest man in the world...! A few bullets aren’t going to stop me... I... can still drive to the... damn hospital, can’t I?”
I can hear him trying not to groan or yell-out in pain. He doesn’t want me to cry anymore, but... I can’t stop now. I watch him stand up and try to walk. The keys are in his left hand. His right hand... it’s bleeding too. There’s a giant cut on his palm.
“Pinkie... You- you stay here... I’m going to drive to the hospital. I need you to... I need you to go and stay in the cabin near the forest, okay...? There are probably going to be some police in the house later, so...”
“Daddy... You’re going to get all better, aren’t you...? Promise me...“ I can’t stop sobbing, I can’t hold back my tears and I start choking on my words.
“Promise me that you’ll come back...! Please...” I can’t look anywhere but at the floor... I can’t look at my Daddy anymore.
“Please promise me, daddy...”
“Ha...ha... Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye...” His hand lifts my head up and I can see his eyes. They look like they’re red now from all of his crying. I don’t think he’s crying for himself... I think... he’s crying for me.
“I’ll be back, Pinkie... I love you.”
“I love you too, daddy...”
I watch him slowly walk out the door and hear his footsteps get quieter and quieter... My eyes are dry. I can’t cry anymore. The cold floor doesn’t even bother me... The white tiles have little drops of blood on them. They’re almost the color of my hair. It’s straight now... It spills around my shoulders while I sit there... alone. Today was supposed to be a special day... It was supposed to be our 100th party. We were supposed to sing and dance and... And... I- I had a little present for him. I had a cake in the fridge... I even had a little party hat for my daddy. We’ll never get to eat the cake or pin the tail on the donkey... I don’t think I’ll ever laugh or smile again... I feel my tears come back... I look at the crumpled hat at my chest. There aren’t going to be any parties anymore... The only party I can ever have again... is... a Party of One...
It’s been a few days... I try not to move much in the hospital bed as I stare into the blank white wall ahead. The room is completely silent. But, the silence isn’t what bothers me. I can’t stop worrying about my little girl. I try calming myself with knowing that she’s well-enough by herself. She might not seem like it, but she’s a strong girl when she needs to be.
I remember how she had gotten lost in the forest near our home. We were hiking around it for a few hours. It was a normal afternoon for us. I guess I didn’t do enough for her then, just like all the other times I failed her. We went home after a few hours. I didn’t know what she was going to do that day. She waited for me to fall asleep. Then, she left to explore all by herself.
Pinkie remembered a nearby cave and went inside of it, only to see what would later come to haunt her. She found bats swarming inside of the cave
I feel someone pushing on my right arm and groan a little... it was around midnight and someone was trying to wake me up.
“D-daddy...? Daddy, I think I need a band-aid.”
I opened my eyes and expected to see Pinkie with one of her usual ‘boo-boos’... instead, I see her with fresh, scattered cuts on her face. The oozing blood drips down her bright cheeks. Her blue eyes are wide-open, she looks so shaken right now. I instantly get out of the bed and go to my medicine cabinet to get some disinfectants, cleaning supplies, etc. I don’t know why she’s like this, but I don’t need to ask her. She needs my trust and support.
“Are you really hurt, Pinkie? I can get you something for the pain.”
She laughs slightly, nervously and reassuringly at the same time. She shakes her head in response and runs a hoof through her straight and messy mane.
“Oh, I’m okay... It’s just a few cuts, right?”
Pinkie doesn’t make a sound... I don’t know what it is, but something’s worrying me. I take the medicine with me and sit beside her. She’s still keeping her eyes on the ground. Then I note that her ears are down... I know that look. It’s so different than what I’m used to seeing. It was the look she had when I had first found her. She shifts the blankets around her and then takes one into her lap. Her teddy bear wasn’t here right now.
It’s been at least ten minutes since she woke me up, and yet she’s still so quiet. The fan rotates slowly and remains the only thing breaking the silence. I finish cleaning the cuts and apply the small bandages to her face carefully.
“Daddy... I... I feel horrible. I think I did a bad thing. C-can I get a glass of juice...? There’s this awful iron-y taste in my mouth.”
“Sure, honey.”
I go to grab some juice from the kitchen. As I pour the juice, I can’t help but remember how the years have gone by. They were happy years, and they were everything that I could ever ask for. The years pass quickly, and every day seems to be a blur now. I look at the pomegranate juice and then back at my daughter. A few years ago, I never would’ve thought this sort of happiness even existed. I would’ve been bitter and jaded from all the times the world chewed me up and spit me out. I would find the entire thing ridiculous.
‘The world is a cruel place’ I’d say, sounding gruff and uncaring.
‘Some things just don’t happen... True happiness doesn’t happen. True love doesn’t happen.’ Then I would just storm off, not saying anything else about the subject. It wouldn’t be due to my faith in the idea, no... but, I would keep the silence going for another reason. I would know in my heart that I could be happy by myself... but, never with anybody else.
I snap out of the thought and return to the moment. I quickly give it to her and sit on my computer chair. It’s across from her spot on the bed. She gorges on the sugary beverage and sighs contentedly, tiredly slouching over with her still disheveled mane.
“I think that’s the best damn juice I’ve had in years...”
I see her eyes open a little wider as a look of surprise suddenly takes her over. This was the first time I had ever heard her curse. Even though it’s a very mild swear, I can hear my ears ringing just slightly.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, daddy! I just... I feel really tired right now.” She turns her head away, to the right to face the blank white walls. Then she turns to look at me with her icy blue eyes. They were pleading, tired and desperate.
“Hey, daddy...? Can I sleep with you tonight? I really don’t feel like sleeping by myself...”
“Of course you can, Pinkie... Oh, and that reminds me-”
I take out a familiar book from the end table beside my bed. It wasn’t our photo album... but it meant just as much to us.
“Oh my gosh-! Story time!” Her expression brightens instantly, just like I remembered it. Her grin is such a welcome sight. She starts to jump up and down on the bed. A smirk appears on my face and I open the book to page 111.
“Oh, can you read me the one about the Hero that helped save the land with the emperor's son- or the one about the Hero who had to beat the god of the red mountain and then, he like found out he was a god- oh wait! I know-! Can you read me the one we never got to finish?!”
She leaped up from her spot on the bed and acted out some of what she said next.
“You know, the one about that really weird Hero?! The one who was really quiet and didn’t talk a lot and made dragons fall out of the sky by yelling at them?!”
“Okay, okay- haha... We can read about him. Are you sure you want to hear it, though...? It’s got a lot of really manly action scenes and scary monsters!”
She plopped down excitedly onto the bed and raised her arms in cheer.
“Yeah!”
The fond memory keeps me calm... just like so many others. They meant everything to me, probably more than any sort of device or wealth I could ever hope to have. I would always have them with me. My memories were locked away with me and I would hold onto them, clutching onto them for dear life until the day I ceased to exist. My mind is at peace for a few moments, I close my eyes and listen to the wind slip through an open window. I open my eyes again and I feel my eyebrows furrow slightly.
Though that night ended on a very bright note, the truth of the matter still remained. A few days later, I learned that she had killed one of the bats in her panic. She had blood on her hooves, and to her, it was the one regret that always haunted her. I did everything in my power to try and help her get over it... but, she had a permanent scar now. It wasn’t the kind that made someone seem strong, or the one that made people respect you... It was a scar on the inside. I just hope that it will eventually go away, lowering my head for a few moments. I try hoping for the best and retire for the rest of the night. A gentle breeze runs through my bedside window and I close my eyes hesitantly, drifting off to sleep once more.
--------
I walk through the familiar trail of stone and dirt. Coming back isn’t easy to do, but nothing seems to be repelling me. Even though all of the memories here are invaluable, some of them still bitterly linger in the air. My hand reaches for the doorknob, but it stops halfway to it. The small breeze ruffles through the trees and breaks the silence around me. I stand at the foot of my front door. Everything looks so clean. The two men are missing from the small walkway. Dead men don’t walk away; they’re just carried to their graves. I shudder remembering what happened that day. The very thought of what I had become still looms over me. Even though it had been weeks, it was still hard to come back to this place... home.
I am smoking and the day feels just like any other day. It was a windless and quiet Sunday. It was also cloudy, ironically. My mind races in anticipation... today was a special day. I feel like smiling, but it never comes to me. Just as I am about to walk back inside and celebrate it with my daughter... I hear footsteps coming around the corner in the trail leading to my doorstep. It’s a trio of men wearing masks. I take a closer look and find that they were also carrying weapons. One has a knife and a pistol and the other two carry baseball bats. For some reason, I feel something inside of me churning. They rush over and hold me at gunpoint. As soon as they try to open the door, they find out that it’s locked. One of them demands that I open the door, but I just stay silent. I feel my spine stricken by the swing of a baseball bat. The pain seems to fade away as something else starts to swell. I feel something violent tugging at me, eating me away and rebuilding me with a thirst for blood.
“Hey, get inside and check the place out for anybody else. We’ll make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.”
They’re going to walk inside... and hurt my Pinkie... my little bundle of joy.
Are you just going to stand around and let them do it...? Come on... have a little fun.
It’s that quiet, deceiving voice that’s always tried to control me. I don’t know if I should even care that it’s done wrong before. All I can imagine is my precious little girl being hurt.
The rest is hazy... choppy, like I don’t want to remember it. Everything goes silent and all I see is darkness. I hear two gunshots in the void followed by panicked shouting. I stagger around and see two of the men lying motionless on the floor. The third one is alive and breathing frantically, bleeding and holding his left shoulder. Slamming the door open, I hear nothing. I remember stumbling into the house and looking at my stomach. I’m bleeding from two bullet wounds. My legs start to give out as my chest stings with every step; I lose my balance and fall against the door. I call out for Pinkie and hope that she’s unharmed. I hope dearly that I can see her one last time. At least now, I can say goodbye...
The doorknob is cold; I turn it with my right hand and slowly push the door open. I drop my keys at what I see. Pinkie Pie is sitting on the brown leather couch. She’s watching the show. I stand in place dreading to see her reaction. As I wait for the outcome of my ignorance, I begin to realize which episode she’s watching.
“No. I. Won’t!” Pinkie Pie slammed her weight onto Rainbow Dash’s head.
I can see pain in her sullen eyes. She’s been crying. Her left hoof runs softly through her straight mane, and then both hooves meet at her chest. There’s a party hat clutched between them. Her eyes close and she takes a small sigh. A bitter chuckle comes from her puckered frown.
“I was twitching since this morning... I have other twitches, but, these are special ones. These twitches started happening a few years ago. I had them right before you took me in, and I had the same twitches before our first party. I even had them that awful day you left the house. At first, I didn’t know what it meant, but... I think I know what it means now.”
Something about her voice makes her seem so distant. It sounds like she is broken; bitterly disillusioned by all of the obstacles she’s had to overcome. My heart sinks deep into my chest as I realize what I’ve done. She was no longer Pinkie Pie, the innocent, unbreakable pony... I had made the mistake of raising her in this cold reality, tainting her beyond repair. Blood stained her hooves, leaving her heart calloused from knowing misery and despair... I failed her.
“I... ha, I think that it means something really unexpected is going to happen. Something like a pony’s first party being thrown or some super-great daddy raising a pony as his own... I think...”
She opened her eyes and looked at me with a small smile on her face.
“I think it means that a miracle’s about to happen.”
I stumble over to her and hug her tightly. Even if I had failed her, she never once failed herself. In the time that I spent recovering in the hospital, I’d forgotten how it felt to be so loved. I forgot how it felt... to love someone so strongly that it would never die. Then, I suddenly perk my head up in response to hearing Pinkie speak.
“Daddy... I know you think I’m going to yell at you, but... The truth is... I’m not going to. I’ve seen it before, actually. I accidentally saw it a few months ago when you were at work. At first, I didn’t know how to feel... I thought it was cool to see that I was on T.V and then I felt scared the more I thought about it. I kept wondering ‘Why would I even be here if I was part of a cartoon show?’ I kept feeling like I didn’t exist. I didn’t know what to think and... it made me sad.”
She sobs slightly, closing her eyes for a brief second. Her eyes open and they look directly into mine, small tears still at the corners.
“A few days later, I woke up and I saw you making breakfast. I just stood there watching you cook. You looked so happy, daddy. You kept singing and singing. And then, I realized that you did this all the time. You were happy every morning. Every morning you would tell me that it was a wonderful super-duper day and that I was the most important thing in the world to you. I never thought about it until I saw the show that day, but...”
I could see her eyes filling with tears... except this time, they were tears of joy. A small smile crept onto her face.
“You were happy because of me, daddy... I was your special itty bitty silly filly. All I had to do was remember that and... All of my worries went away. You love me, daddy, and that’s all I ever need.”
There are no words I can use to describe how I feel. My heart doesn’t sink anymore. I feel like I haven’t felt in these past few days. I feel happy. I keep holding her like it’s my last time ever seeing her. I don’t know when our final goodbyes will happen and I try not to focus on it. I can’t stop to try and be worried or burdened now. After this, we’re both going to get some sleep, and then tomorrow we’ll celebrate our 100th party. We’ll go ahead and try doing that whole ‘Best-Day-Ever-That-Was-Ruined’ thing all over again.... just as soon as I pay to get a replacement for my living room window... The shards of glass are scattered across the white carpeted floor. Pinkie looks at me and grins sheepishly. She had all of my heart... and then all of my money.
-------
I turn the page and open it to one of our pictures. We’re sitting behind her special celebration cake. The room is adorned with the various divine decorations that she’s set-up. Though, all I ever notice is my daughter. It’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her. A small thought creeps into my head and starts to grow stronger. I close the book and stare off into the radiant sunlight, the rays run through the drapes and shed light onto our storybook. I close my eyes and stay silent, still holding the memories with me. Today we were going to go ahead and buy Pinkie a pet alligator. She had always wanted one, and I had finally found one that was harmless enough to keep. She was going to be so happy...
I hear the sound of her hooves hitting the upstairs floorboards over my head. She was still getting ready for the party... it’s a welcoming party for her new pet. His name is going to be Gummy. Just as I turn to walk up the stairs, I hear a sound I haven’t heard in ages. Somebody was knocking on our door. I didn’t know whether I should have told Pinkie to hide or to simply turn the knob, but, for some reason, I just asked who it was.
“Could we perhaps come in...?”
Her voice was so motherly, gentle enough to soothe my fears of another violent incident... It was elegant and regal with a touch of authority. Usually, I would’ve just told any straggler that I needed a few minutes, but this was different. In the furthest corners of my mind, I felt an urge to allow her entrance. Something told me that opening this door would be the right thing to do.
She was a familiar tall, slender alicorn, standing tall in all of her majestic light. And, behind her were five ponies. They were all here. Fluttershy. Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Rarity. Rainbow Dash... I froze in place, in awe, in fear, or in disbelief, I can’t really say. It stirred within me a sensation that I hadn’t felt in a long time. At this moment, I feel like I am dreaming. I feel as if right now, I need faith to accept their presence, to accept the entire situation and all that’s going to happen. Something in me churns and screams at me, engulfing me in a wave of disbelief, sorrow and strangely, clarity.
Princess Celestia stared at me coolly, seeming to know exactly what I was thinking. She knew that I was terrified and that this entire incident could go in any direction. With a knowing look, I closed my eyes and sighed for a second. This was really happening. This... was really happening.
I felt a tinge of moisture in my eyes as I scanned over the mane five. They weren’t as energetic as they were in... that fanfic. Though they were all their own ponies, they all wore, if even to the slightest degree, an expression of guilt. The most telling face belongs to Twilight Sparkle. I can see her violet eyes starting to swell, lowering her gaze to the floor.
“You know why we’re here, don’t you...?” Celestia keeps her tone even, her words are as subtle as a jab to the stomach.
It’s true... I do know why she’s here. To my very core, I am consumed inside-out by a swirling vortex of worry, guilt and anguish. After all the time that had passed, why, when things were finally perfect, did this moment have to come...? I swallowed nervously and felt myself breaking into a cold sweat.
Amidst the six, one of the ponies came forward and stood right in front of me. Her hot-pink eyes firmly focus on my own, casting an unmistakable look. A tinge of sadness and understanding reveals itself to me. Rainbow Dash is being strong. For her, for everything she has gone through and for everything that is going to happen. Then I realize why she had even come here. She could have easily just stayed away, but despite every painful memory of her father I brought back, she wanted to be strong one last time. For herself, for her friend, and most importantly... for her Daddy.
I feel my lips tremble as I call for Pinkie. My lungs swirl with a painful air, breathing in the cold silence. My legs weaken as I hear her respond at the top of the stairs, calling back to see what I called her for.
“Huh? Yes, Daddy?”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes begin to swell with tears, she shuts her eyes tightly and tries to hold back a small sob. Then, the rest of the five follow in suit. Twilight buries her face into Rarity’s shoulder as she begins to openly cry, her and Fluttershy turning their eyes away from me. Applejack simply lowers her head as a slight grimace spreads across her face.
I briefly glance at Celestia and begin heading towards the stairs. My heart is beating furiously, nearly drowning out all the jumbled whispers in my head. I stand at the foot of the staircase and see her, the light from the window cascades down the stairs. She’s wearing a slightly confused look, wondering what all of the commotion was about. Unmistakably, I’m sure she can see my tears by now.
“D-Daddy? Is something wrong?”
It felt like I had spent an eternity explaining to her what had just happened. At first, she thought I was playing some sort of prank on her. The possibility of such a thing was just too small to her. Then I reminded her of the day I had found her, and, how I too was so absorbed in disbelief. That was when she slowly began realizing the gravity of the entire situation. Pinkie shrank into a small sobbing ball and begged me to tell her it was all a joke. I couldn’t hold back my tears. We sat there for a few minutes, she crying and shaking her head and me cradling her in my arms, too weak to even notice how tightly she was holding me.
All of us are sitting in the living room. The cold, silent morning air comes in through a few open windows. Twilight answers my question with a sullen tone, keeping her gaze lowered to the ground beneath her.
“It’s been 17 days since the incident in Ponyville happened. I believe Pinkie was caught by one of the magical storm-cloud vortexes, teleported right when Rainbow Dash had tried to pass through it. After the storm had passed, we couldn’t find Pinkie anywhere.“
Sighing, I stayed silent for a few moments. In all the 17 years I’ve spent with Pinkie, I never thought that this would be her story. I had already guessed that the whole inter-dimensional travel aspect of the story had to something do with magic. What I wasn’t expecting, was that it would be about something as grievous as a life or death situation. For a few minutes, we had discussed the effects of a certain memory spell. It was what they were going to use on Pinkie. I asked if it would make her memories disappear, and surprisingly, I had gotten an actual answer. It was meant to preserve the memories. Not wipe them.
Pinkie Pie looked like a statue. She wasn’t moving or looking at anything particular... she was just staring into a single direction. With heavy eyes, she started to move her lips.
“So... what happens now...?”
Princess Celestia still held her head high, contemplating thoughts I couldn’t read. With a little motion, she turned her gaze to Twilight Sparkle and gave her a silent cue. They both nodded in agreement. The purple unicorn turned to me and gave me a look that I would always remember. They were hurt and regretful, drowned in red and, ultimately, I saw the pain that had grown inside of her for all these years.
“I... think you should take this time to say goodbye.”
She didn’t have to say anymore. Twilight went back to sitting by Celestia and waited for us. Celestia nuzzled her faithful student and shed a tear with her. Though I could barely move, I found the strength to walk over to Pinkie. I firmly locked eyes with her and prepared for the worst. There was a knot in my throat. Though, that wasn’t the worst part of it. That was the pain in my chest and the pain in my eyes.
Before I could say anything, she put her hooves around me. She held me as tight as she could and didn’t want to let go. My arms fell weakly around my sides. I was too weak to react... too weak to break the embrace and too weak to return it. At that moment, I could only hear two things. I heard her wailing to me, begging to stay. Then, I heard myself repeating the word ‘weakling’.
“P-Pinkie... These seventeen years we’ve spent together have been the best years of my life. The times we’ve spent the day singing, baking, having parties... will always be with me. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me for letting you go back home. Or whether you’ll even remember who I am... but... You’ll always be my little Pinkie.” I took her head into my chest and felt her tears against my shirt.
I started to break down as I saw Pinkie’s eyes close completely. She was sobbing uncontrollably, I could barely understand what she was saying.
“D-Daddy...? I... I don’t want to go...! I don’t want to leave you!”
I tightened my grip on her and held her closer. I couldn’t hold back any of my emotions now. And, as every second passed, I felt a stinging in my heart. It grew more intense each time I looked at her. God damn it... I didn’t want to let go of her.
“Pinkamina Diane Pie, look at me- look at me right now...!”
She opened her eyes and stared at me... waiting and ignoring the world around us. Everything was quiet. I was shaking. My eyes felt like they had been soaked in bleach, red and swelling by now. Then, I realize that I hear the others crying. Out of all the voices, I hear Rainbow’s the loudest.
“D-don’t you cry, you hear me...?! I need you to stay strong. I- I need you to stay strong for Daddy, okay?”
A small sob escaped me. I couldn’t do it... I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Yet, I knew that though Pinkie herself was crying... she was crying for me. For her Daddy.
“Okay...?”
Pinkie’s expression still broke my heart. I couldn’t even face her. She raised her head to look me in the eye. Her lips were quivering, she could barely speak.
“Daddy... Don’t I belong here...? With you?”
Daddy... For 17 years, that’s what she had always called me. It hurt me so much, just to see her sitting here begging to hear me say ‘stay with me’. What hurt the most, actually, was knowing that this would be the last time I would ever hear it. In my moment of reflection, I saw her just as I did so many years ago... on a cloud, waiting and alone. I saw her brilliant, sweet eyes just as I had seen them that fateful winter. And in them, I saw beauty far too great for this world a million times over.
“Pinkie- you belong home... where the sun shines brightly and where not a pony has a care in the world. And... you deserve to spend the rest of your life with your friends. We’ve had each other for 17 years... Now...”
A sniffle found it’s way past my hushed voice.
“Now we have to say goodbye.”
Pinkie lowered her eyes and sobbed quietly. Her hair had fallen around her shoulders by now. For one last time, she hugged me. Except this time, it was a softer embrace... filled with bittersweet understanding. It was the same hug I had gotten from my sister so very long ago.
Right after she had let go of me, I saw her eyes light up ever so faintly. She had an idea. Whatever it was, it made her that much happier. She took off for the stairs and called out to me.
“I have to go get something, Daddy!”
A few moments later, she descended the stairs in a slow, even rhythm. There was a travel bag in her mouth, it was small but packed to the brim. A part of me wanted to think that it was full of memories, but another part of me reasoned that these memories would be nothing but painful. To carry them around would mean bearing the pain of knowing they were just that... Memories.
Pinkie smiled at me for one last time, still crying. We both knew how and why it had to be this way. Yet, despite all of the days I spent making myself stronger, despite all the obstacles that I overcame when she was right by my side... the pain was still unbearable.
Rainbow Dash lifted her eyes from the floor to see Pinkie. The look in her eyes was indescribable. She was strong for what she had to say, if only for a few minutes.
“Pinkie... I’m sorry for this. For everything. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I... don’t know why, but there’s no other way. This is just how it has to be.”
The Princess mildly strode over to the two friends and began speaking. The constant flickering vitality of her celestial mane made her imperious in demeanor.
“This place, though it has great wonders all on it’s own, will never be our home. It was never meant to know you or anypony else from Equestria... None of this was ever meant to happen.”
Pausing, a bittersweet smile made its way onto her face. She scanned over the walls of my house and the bag that Pinkie Pie held in her mouth. She looked at the few pictures I had hung on the walls. Then she turned her gaze to me.
“Even then... I cannot say that this world is entirely ugly, or that its people don’t deserve to live happily. I see now that despite everything, I have become a witness to a miracle. The very instant I had learned you were missing, only terrible, worried thoughts came to me. Surely, I thought that this world would have left you broken, a mere reminder of how unforgiving it could really be. But I was wrong. Instead I see you, Pinkamina Diane Pie, just as you were the first day you had moved to Ponyville.”
Closing her eyes, she sighed with light-hearted cheer. Her eyes opened once more, accompanied by a sweeter smile.
“I see now that you were instead greeted not with disgust or hatred, but entirely something different. Something beautiful... Love.”
“Because of this, it pains me to see myself do this. I must ask you to do something for me.”
I stood at attention as I felt Celestia’s visage focus onto me with unwavering intensity. I needed to hear what she needed from me.
“Please, sir, know that as we all stand here today, everything that has happened is not because of Rainbow Dash. Please don’t blame her for charging into the heart of the storm, for risking her own life to save ponyville from disaster. Please do not hold anyone accountable but me. I am the one who will bring her back... and this is why it is no one else’s fault but mine.”
My tears were running out. I was still sobbing, but lightly. Now I could do nothing but remember all the times we’ve shared together, and I couldn’t stop myself. Everything crumbled around me, a forgotten and unloved confection that now, at this very moment, tasted wholeheartedly bittersweet.
“I... could never blame you. I could never blame you for what you did. Pinkie was... the best thing that had ever happened to me.”
The words could barely come out. The creeping sadness was taking hold of me, drowning me in sobs and raw emotion.
“All my life, I had never known hope... I would often wonder if such a thing had even been real. 17 years ago, I found that answer. Whether you know it or not, I have you to thank. All of you. Thank you for being the ones to send me something so beautiful and vibrant. Thank all of you for giving me someone to care for... someone to love.“
Everypony had been crying. The most devastated, however, wasn’t Pinkie herself, but her friend Rainbow Dash. For all the events and troubles she had gone through, this had hurt her deep inside. Having to relive losing someone all over again hurt more than anything. I knew that much.
The goddess smiled warmly towards me, and in a hidden moment, I realized how red her eyes were. A small sliver of regret fell down her soft, gentle cheeks.
“Thank you, my friend. Thank you for everything.”
She leaned in to hug me. Closing her eyes, her horn encompassed itself in golden light. As it touched me, a splash of warmth coursed through me. Somehow, I felt happy when it happened... Yet, it was the happiness that someone only knew right before the end. The end of a chapter in their life... or the end of a journey.
“Thank you many times over.” The Princess stepped back with a caring smile.
“Th-thank you, Mr. Pie... for being so kind.” Fluttershy spoke quietly, shying away with thankful eyes.
“Thank you, darling. You’ve a generous heart.” Rarity sniffled, saddened and grateful.
“Thank ya kindly, mister, for bein’ honest and true.” Applejack smiled sincerely, her eyes still wet from earlier.
“Thank you, sir. Thank you for loving Pinkie. It’s almost... magical, in a way.” Twilight grinned sheepishly at me. I couldn’t help but grin back.
“So... Uh... I guess that leaves me, huh?” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her head. She came closer to me, staring me right in the eye.
“Thanks, mister. Thanks for being loyal, for never leaving her when things got rough... and most of all...” Dash’s lip quivered, she gave me a small, familiar grin.
“Thank you for raising her with nothing but love.”
Softly, she gave me a warm embrace. I could feel all of the emotions running through me, and strangely, I couldn’t help but wonder... where they were mine or were they hers?
The ponies crowded around Pinkie Pie while Princess Celestia’s horn began glowing.
Dashie nuzzled her friend’s neck. Her eyes were full of sympathy, knowing and vulnerable.
“Are you ready, Pinkie...?” She uttered quietly.
Pinkie nodded, sniffling and closing her eyes.
Celestia’s horn made her way to Pinkie’s forehead. That was when everything started to flood back into me. For once in my life, the world began to slow down. I was whisked away from the moment and set back in time. I saw her having her first cupcake, delicately swishing the flavors around in her mouth. Then I saw her brilliant smile. It was the smile that she continued to give me everyday. She gave me that smile when she had thrown her first party, filling the vividly grande kitchen with a bright, living spectrum. She even had it when she had first learned how to sing. ‘You are my sunshine’, I would sing... and... she would sing it right back to me. The memories were rushing through. I could only try and stop thinking entirely. I wanted to spend my last moments with her in mind.
Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Her eyelids, though shut, weren’t at rest. Her eyes moved underneath them, and with them came her own memories. Both of us were struggling, to remember each other and the times we’ve shared, to never forget.
Her horn had touched Pinkie’s mane. The entire room was consumed with a blinding light. As I looked again, I saw a space devoid of ponies. I knew then and there that it was all over. Yet, despite all of the sadness I was going through, I couldn’t do anything but stand there. Everything that had happened left me numb. I still saw her sitting on that cream couch, asking me what we were having for breakfast. Turning my head away from the memory, I realized the gravity of what had just happened.
The walls were now scattered with empty picture frames. She wasn’t here anymore. All of her... her toys and little knick-knacks disappeared with her. My legs carried me up the staircase as fast as they could. Slamming open her bedroom door, I remembered the stinging in my chest. Her bed with the silk covers and the little plush alligator were gone. Now it was just... an empty room. The light streaming in through the windows was the only thing left.
I fell backwards onto the wall of her bedroom. I grasped my hair and curled myself into my knees. I had nothing to remember her by. All of the 17 years I had spent with her meant nothing, and at that moment, I felt like everything else was the same way.
Suddenly, I lifted my head and stopped panicking. I was still remembering everything we had done. I took a deep breath and sat there for a few moments. All I wanted to do was go back downstairs and sit down on that couch...
There was something laying on the couch. It was a storybook full of pictures. I realize that a photo album is much more typical, but then I remember why I don’t keep it. It was stuck in a closet somewhere, gathering dust. It was a memory that I didn’t have time to remember. Not before.
Some pictures were sticking out of the back of the book, brightly colored photos. When I flipped to the last page, I found a piece of paper in front of everything else. I recognized the writing immediately. I had almost dropped it. Pinkie rarely wrote anything outside of stories... This time, it was addressed to me... written in crayon.
Daddy,
Seventeen years. You took care of me for seventeen years, and you did it with all of your heart. You spent those seventeen years laughing, playing with me, making sure that I was always happy. But... it wasn’t easy, was it? It was hard to do since you were always so worried. You had to work every other night and you had to keep me a secret... You did everything for me, Daddy. You were the best Dad in the whole wide world. I just wish I did more for you when I had the chance.
I love you, Daddy. I wish I could hug you and listen to you tell bedtime stories... but, now all I can do is tell you how much I love you. I'm gonna miss the little things. The juice. How you'd sing lullabies on brisk, icy nights.... I can't stop these tears. But, that doesn't matter. You know why, Daddy...? It’s because you did your best. You raised me to be who I am today, and you couldn't have done any better.
I’ll never forget you, daddy. Goodbye... and... Thanks for being such an awesome Dad.
Your Little Bundle of Joy,
Your itty bitty twinkie Pinkie,
Pinkamina Diane Pie.
The dry tears are etched into the paper, bulging underneath the tips of my fingers. I shed a tear, but rather than holding bitterness in my heart, I hold a smile on my face. I spend countless minutes rereading that note. It gets easier every time, and eventually, I memorize it entirely. Setting the letter aside, I see her in the book. She’s a filly. In the photo, she’s sitting on her bed, lazily smiling as the sunlight pours in through the dusty glass behind her.
Sitting at this couch, I realize now that everything we had ever gone through is here with me. From her very first party to the day she finally decided to go hiking with me. Even her first ice-skating experience is in here. I shut the book softly and put it on the table. I decide that I will never do anything to our pictures in here... in our little story book. But, the photo album that my parents left me with will live on. Just like our memories... like they both would have wanted.
Looking directly into the light that pours in through the windows, a moment of clarity reaches me like the bitter-sweet scent of pomegranate. My heart, now older and softer, was in the right place. I didn’t scorn the new day or look down on life, but instead... I embraced the notion. This life, no matter how wrong it seemed before, had done more than enough to make me happy. The sheer serendipity that caused all of these events to unfold has done nothing but help.
Now, sitting in this hollow house, I remember to go back to that story book ever so often. It reminds me of that fateful day. I had wondered ‘How did it feel to be so loved? And to love so strongly that it would never die...?’ Now, I could tell myself the answer. It was something indescribably beautiful, it was the only thing anyone would ever need, and sadly, that is why it is the only thing that we can never keep. It is more wonderful than anything in this world a billion times over.
I close my eyes and savor the feeling. The only way anything could be better... is if I had her with me right now. To hold... To love. I drop the knife I’d been holding in my right hand. I watch as it falls and hits the floor with a cold, solitary thud.
I can rest now. It’s not easy to keep on going, and it only gets harder from here... but now I have a reason for it. A bittersweet, loving memory drenched in pink frosting. It tells me that though things may look uncertain, all I have to do is stay hopeful. I chuckle quietly. I feel happy again. And, hopefully, I can keep on laughing just like this...
For myself.
For my sister.
For my little Pinkie.