Have you ever woken up as a vegan cartoon pony? I have, and she won’t shut up about it. I’m stuck in her body as our minds swap control and our memories blur. I’m not sure I can survive the rest of the day, let alone until we fix it
Have you ever woken up as a vegetarian cartoon pony? I have, and she won’t shut up about it. I’m stuck in her body as our minds swap control and our memories blur. I can’t seem to do anything right, and it’s even worse when she’s in charge.
Now, we’re in a back and forth war for control of her body. I just want to eat meat again, and have a little personal space. She’s convinced I’m hitting on her friends and trying to score. I’m not sure I can survive the rest of the day, let alone until we fix this.
Tank slid under the sofa as Dash galloped past. She was frantically pulling dishes from the pantry and placing them onto her dining room table. A single candle burnt in the middle of the nearby counter and Dash screeched to a halt in front of a mirror to fix her mane.
She had spent the last hour racing to get ready for her date with Soarin. A large storm system had threatened to ruin it for her by plowing through Ponyville. Dash had only barely contained it with the weather team. She trotted over to the window to check on the storm. It was discharging its lightning in the distance, over the Everfree. The low rumble of thunder was hardly reaching her ears anymore.
Her headache acted up as she recalled the frantic effort to redirect the storm. Dash had flown into the eye of the storm to ensure it had changed course. Several Pegasi had crashed due to the strong winds and one was hit by lightning, luckily sustaining only minor injuries. She was grateful it hadn’t ruined the date she had been eagerly awaiting all week, and that all she had was a headache.
She smiled and forgot all about the storm in the distance when her date landed at the front door. It would take more than a little rain and lightning to keep Dash from her date with Soarin.
Vegetables aren’t food, they’re what you feed food. I continued to recite my mantra as I bit down on the leafy greens, removing them from the end of my fork. I chewed a few times before choking back my gag reflex and swallowed.
It needed more dressing.
I tilted over the bottle and poured more ranch onto my plate. Ever since I visited my doctor I’d been struggling to eat this rabbit food in an attempt to lower my cholesterol. It was bad enough I had to give up soda, but this was just too much. Vegetables were flavorless, green nightmare fuel—they ought to just put the nutrients in the dressing and sell it.
I scowled and took another drink of water, then stuck the fork back into the salad. Maybe there would be something on T.V. to distract me while I eat my front lawn. It flickered on to the science fiction channel. The screen was covered in static due to the storm outside, but at least it hadn’t knocked out my satellite dish.
The room went dark as the power went out. That’s what I get for tempting fate. I should have gotten McDonald’s—then at least I’d be stuck in the dark with some red meat. I fumbled around for a candle when the power came back on.
Knowing my luck, I knew the power would go back out. I lit the candle and placed it next to the disappointing salad. The sound of phaser fire reached me and I glanced over to see the television show had turned back on. The screen was black and white, so I grabbed the remote and hit the menu button.
Nothing happened and the remote did not light up despite me banging it against the table. The batteries must have been dead. I tossed the remote aside and approached the television to find the menu button.
The screen was flashing and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. The lights flickered off and on while thunder shook the windows. This is shaping up to be another amazing Friday night. I started mashing the buttons on the flat screen in an attempt to fix the T.V. set so that I could at least be bored in color.
My arm was tingling and I looked down to see all the hairs standing on end. Small arcs of energy were bouncing between my hairs and seemed to get larger the closer my hand got to the television. I could feel the charge on the T.V. screen as I reached forward and touched it.
The power went out again and I felt dizziness wash over me. All the lights in my apartment went out, but somehow the T.V. was still running. I stumbled back as the show faded from view and I was surrounded by darkness.
After a few moments of numbness, I opened one of my eyes. The muzzle of a large blue horse inched towards my lips, moments away from making contact. On instinct I brought my right fist up into its jaw, sending it falling backwards. As he fell backwards I noticed he had a square muzzle, and a pair of uncannily large eyes.
Hitting the monstrosity made me lose my balance for some reason, and I landed on my back, only to find my blue legs sticking up in the air.
Time screeched to a halt as the fuzzy legs shattered my brain’s attempts to sort out the situation. My heart raced as I tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I tried moving my arms and legs, and in response I saw the furry blue. . . things. . . moving instead. There was a bright trail of rainbow hair splayed across the floor, and I saw my blue chest rising and falling quickly. Panic quickly overwhelmed me.
The horse was a darker shade of blue than me and was quickly getting to his feet. He was walking over towards me when I noticed he had wings and I struggled to piece together what was happening.
“Dash, are you okay?” the horse asked.
“Holy shit! It talks!” I screamed in a raspy, feminine voice. I tried to stand up and run, only to stumble forward onto all four of the hairy hellspawns I had for limbs. The white marshmallow-like floor did little to prevent me from floundering across the floor towards the nearest door.
I tripped on the door frame and rolled across the patio, coming to a stop on my back. My gaze drifted back through the door and inside the house. The horse had already closed the distance between us, and I decided to get out of here. My butt slid across the patio as my legs struggled with the retreat.
“Careful, Dash!”
The ground gave way beneath me, and before I knew what was happening the world spun wildly around. I began screaming and flailing my legs. Wind tugged at something on my back and I could feel something attached to my shoulder blades. The extra set of—something—on my back seemed to slowing my fall slightly.
Looking down, I swore that if I got out of this, I would never eat a salad ever again.
I watched as the ground rose up to meet me, and right when I thought I was going to be turned into a furry blue pancake, two arms scooped me up and carried me into the air. I latched onto whatever had grabbed me like a vice grip. My ear twitched as I heard a grunt of pain.
I realized I had closed my eyes at some point and I slowly opened them. The blue horse starred at me again and I realized I was tightly wrapped around its neck. I released my grip and felt the wonderful feeling of dirt beneath my back.
“Dash, are you okay? Was it something I said?” he asked.
“Yes! You can talk!” I yelled.
Why aren’t I human and why can he talk?!
[What the hell is going on?] a new voice in my head asked me. [Why can’t I move?]
The horse tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. . . I’m lost. Are you not into stallions or something?”
[What? Of course I am, I was gonna bang you, Soarin! Oh no—I must have broke my back, that’s why I can’t move!]
“Gross!” I said to myself. “I need to get the hell out of—” I waved a hoof around, “—whatever this is!”
[Wait, somepony else is in my head? Dude, calm down! You’re totally gonna scare him off. Who are you anyway? Why are you in my body? Ask him for help!]
“I think we better get you to the hospital, Dash,” he said.
[Yes! They can fix this, unless I’m crazy. Am I crazy? What are you?]
“No!” I stated. The last thing I wanted right now was to go to the hospital. They would have me put in a straightjacket and locked into a padded cell in—
[—ten seconds flat. Dude, what the heck are you doing in my body? Just tell him the date’s over, and ask him out again for me, okay? We need to go get help from my friend Twilight.]
I gulped and for lack of any better ideas, decided to listen to the voice in my head. “Date’s over.” I smiled before seeing the familiar look of rejection in his eyes as he realized he wasn’t getting lucky any time soon. I reached up and patted his shoulder. “Hey, thanks for not letting me die and all, we’ll do it again sometime, okay—the date, not the tumbling to death!”
[Real smooth. Oh man, I’m never gonna hear the end of this from him.]
I stood up on my legs and struggled to get them to balance beneath me. Everything about this body felt wrong—not to mention rather sore now.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asked. He just stood there looking at me like I’ve sprouted a horn or something.
“Yeah, I’m fine . . .” I opened and closed my mouth a few times as I tried to recall his name.
[Soarin.]
“Soarin? That’s a stupid name,” I said.
[Not out loud you idiot! Fuck, it took me like two months to work up the nerve to go out with him.]
“Sorry,” I told the voice in my head.
“Apology accepted. I, uh—you need a hoof going home?” he asked.
“No, I don’t need a hand. I’m just gonna walk this way.” I stumbled forward towards a nearby road and a signpost.
“But your home is—ah, never mind. I enjoyed the date—most of it. Let me know when you’re feeling better.”
No, crap! You totally screwed that up. Tell him to come back, I changed my mind! Have him take me to the hospital!
I heard wing beats and turned to look behind me. Soarin flew off into the distance and I breathed a sigh of relief. The voice in my head continued to shout, but I was the only one who could hear it. I stumbled my way over to a nearby tree and slumped down against it. My rapid breathing finally started to slow down.
[Alright, what are you doing in my body? How’d you trap me in here and—crap what am I supposed to do to fix this?]
“This is—your body?” I looked down at my chest and legs that were covered in blue hair. “Okay, I’ll give you that one. This is definitely not my body.”
[Give him a round of applause, everypony! Now why’d you steal it? Are you a spy?]
I laughed loudly in that girlish voice I had come to associate with my new self. “That’s ridiculous! What kind of spy can steal people’s bodies?”
[Changelings, you moron!]
“Oh shit!” I exclaimed, suddenly reacalling I was a talking horse. “This can’t be possible, this isn’t possible!”
[Whoa easy. Sorry, Dude! Look, so it’s an accident or something then. We can still fix this!]
“No, you’re a colorful talking horse! I’m a talking horse! I need to get out of here!”
[I said calm down!]
The voice continued yelling in my head while I muttered obscenities and thought about how royally screwed I was. My life—what little of it I spent not working or playing video games—was gone. I was trapped here forever. . . unless this was a dream.
I laughed and wobbled onto my hooves.
[What’s so funny?]
“It’s just a dream,” I explained. “This is so absurd, it’s got to be a dream!” I looked at the tree in front of me and raised my head up in the air.
[No! NO! WAIT!]
I slammed my head down into the tree to wake myself up, and instantly regretted it. A ringing noise filled the air and I found myself laying on my side, not feeling when I fell over. The tree was spinning around in my vision and my head was throbbing in pain.
[Celestia—why? That—hurts so much!]
“Ugh, yeah.” I tried to reach a hand up to rub my sore head, and instead banged it with a hard hoof.
[Aaahh! Stop it, I give up!]
“Give who?” I struggled to focus through the pain I had inflicted upon myself. I was getting so drowsy it was hard to keep track of what was going on.
[Look, just don’t move! No moving! Okay? We’ll talk about this like adults, and. . . just don’t move! What do you want?]
I laid there under the tree, letting the pain slowly fade. “What am I?”
[I’m a pony, and you’re. . . you’re. . . what are you?]
“I’m a human,” I said. The sound of laughter filled my head and I waited patiently for it to stop—not like I had many other choices right now.
[No, come on, really.]
“What? I’m a human. I was at home eating dinner, it was raining, I turned on the T.V., then I was here.”
[Hmm. . . ]
There were several minutes of silence as I laid there, trying to think of some logical next step. The voice in my head must have been stuck in the same predicament. “So?”
[Well, Twilight may be able to fix this but we need to be careful. You already ruined my date with Soarin, and. . . how the hell do we fix it? If I can’t get you outta my head, if I’m stuck in here, my life is over! I’ll never be a Wonderbolt!]
“When you say ‘fix it’ you mean send me back to Earth, right?”
[We’ll try to send you back wherever you belong, but the first thing's first, we need to get you out of my body!]
I thought about it for a moment and started picturing the split pea soup scene from The Exorcist.
[What the hell? That’s some messed up stuff you’re thinking about.]
“You can read my thoughts?”
[Well, when you think them that clearly, yeah.]
“I was just thinking how priests used to cast demons out on Earth, banishing them back to—” I gulped as I realized what getting me out of her body likely entailed. “I don’t want to die.”
[Duh, no one wants to die, but we’re not gonna kill you. Twilight’s just gonna use that fancy magic and suck you out of my skull.]
“That’s not very comforting. Look, I can’t deal with this right now. I’m just gonna go to sleep, okay?”
[What? Here in the middle of the road? No way, we’re flying back to my place.]
I felt around for the muscles controlling my wings and managed to make them twitch slightly. “Yeah, not happening. I’d rather not plummet to my death without your horse-friend here to catch me.”
[We’re ponies, not horses! What part of that can’t you understand? You might as well call us all mules or donkeys.]
“Yes, you are talking ponies, and I’m a human. No one would possibly think we’re insane and lock us in an asylum.” I was rewarded by a minute of silence.
[You’re right. Even Twilight will probably think I’ve gone mad. I won’t just be banned from the Wonderbolts, I’ll be locked away! Everypony will know me as Rainbow Dash, craziest mare in Equestria! Oh no, this is bad! Oh no!]
“Hey, now it’s you that needs to calm down. You’re really loud and I can’t really sleep with you shouting in there.”
[No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!]
“I said shut up!” I hit the bump on my head with my hoof, sending a jolt of pain through me. I instantly regretted it, but it got the point across.
[. . . Okay. Flying’s out of the question, and I don’t wanna be thrown in the looney bin. We can go crash at Fluttershy’s. Say, what’s your name?]
“My name is. . . ” I found myself unable to recall my name. I just froze there as my brain—or this pony’s brain—tried to recall a bit of information that seemed to have been lost to me.
[What. Is. Your. Name?]
“Chill, I don’t know, okay? I was just minding my own business with the T.V. and. . . I don’t know, I can’t really remember.”
[Okay then, I’ll just call you Dude for now. Get up, Dude, and head left down the road to Fluttershy’s house. She’ll let us crash there tonight. I need to figure out what to do next.]
“My name’s not Dude, it’s—dammit, it’s—”
[It’s Dude if I say it is, because it’s my body! Now, get up.]
“Don! It’s Don, now quit it with the damn nickname. It’s so annoyin—”
[Dude, Dude, Dude, Dude—]
“Stop it! I’m going!” I stood up and shook my head to get the rainbow hair out of my face. “Alright then. We’ll see Fluttershy, and I’ll take a long nap.”
I looked down and focused on my walking until I found a good rhythm. The nice thing about having four legs was that it’s fairly hard to trip. As long as you kept three of them from flailing wildly around, it was not so bad.
A small wooden bridge appeared ahead and I noticed a large house on the other side of it. Several animals left their burrows to stare at me, and none wanted to come anywhere near me. My mind was so focused on walking without faceplanting that I barely noticed I had traveled so far. I looked behind me and couldn’t see the tree anywhere. I heard an owl hooting and my ears swiveled around to face the sound.
“You know the legs I’m kind of getting used to, but the ears are just freaky.” I waited a moment for some sort of response and got only silence. “Hey, you there?”
[Hmph.]
“Really? Are you pouting?”
[You stole my body, I’ll do whatever I feel like.]
“Okay, note to self: the best way to get unstuck from someone’s body is to pout.”
[Quit it or I’ll have Twilight smoke you out with some, uh, fire or something.]
“Yeah, I doubt you’d enjoy that very much either. Come on, I think you better help me explain my situation to your friend.”
[Don’t mention the whole evil body stealing suicidal alien thing. I’m still working on a way to tell Twilight that doesn’t sound so. . . crazy.]
“I’m not evil.”
I heard a small grunt of acknowledgement as I walked up to the door. I lifted a hand—or hoof, whatever, to knock on the door. After a few taps, a light came on and I heard someone walking towards the door.
“Who is it?” the voice asked.
“Me,” I replied.
[Seriously? It’s Dash, not ‘me’.]
“Me who?”
“Uh, Dash.”
[Was that so hard?]
The door swung open and I saw a yellow pegasus smiling at me. As soon as I saw her, a wave of memories and emotions from the pony I was inhabiting washed over me. “Dash! Is everything okay?”
[Yes! Say yes.]
“Pfft, I could have figured that one out,” I said. I looked up and saw a confused looking Fluttershy. “Yeah, I’m fine. The uh. . .”
[Crap, didn’t you think up an excuse?]
“I was focused on the walking. What were you doing? Napping?” I asked.
“Oh dear,” Fluttershy said. “Are you talking to yourself?”
“I was—” I looked around and aside from it being late at night, no ideas came to mind. “Up late, and felt like getting some air. . .”
[Yep, my life is over. A bumbling idiot is gonna open a can of crazy on my best friend.]
“The date! The date with Soarin ended. . . poorly,” I said. I struggled to look sad with my unfamiliar facial muscles and must have pulled it off, because she hugged me and started whispering into my ear.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Dashie!”
[Phew, okay, not bad, Dude.]
“Can I, uh. . . I just want to sleep here tonight?”
“Of course, come in! I’ll get some hot tea and a blanket and you can tell me all about it,” she said.
[Dear Fluttershy, today my evening was ruined by an alien punching my date in the muzzle. He then tried to kill me by hurling himself off a porch—]
“Shut up,” I said.
Fluttershy squeaked and hid behind her mane.
[You bastard!]
“Not you, Fluttershy!” I quickly added. “Ugh, this headache is killing me.”
She looked up and noticed the large red knot on my forehead, poking at it gently with her hoof. “Oh, you might have a concussion.”
[And an alien.]
If you’re not gonna help, Dash, be quiet! I tilt my head to the side for a moment, realizing I don’t have to talk out loud to communicate with the other person in my head. I can just think what I want to tell her, and avoid looking like a crazy pony.
[You’re still crazy, you’re just not a pony.]
Quit reading my thoughts!
[Fine, but if you hurt her feelings again, I’ll never let you hear the end of it.]
“Don’t just stand there, you’re acting strange and I’ll need to look at that bump.” She gestured for me to come inside and I followed her in. The smell of hay and animals overwhelmed me, but I also smelled something a bit sweeter, like perfume.
As Fluttershy walked into the kitchen I looked over at her and stopped in my tracks. The way her flanks curved and moved in a gentle rhythm as she walked was intoxicating. Her soft fur looked like butter, and I felt my heart beat quicker as my mind focused on her scent.
[Dude! Stop thinking about banging her, she’s my friend for Celestia’s sake!]
“Like you’ve never thought about it?” I said. “Wait, why am I thinking about it? I’m not into ponies.”
[Finally we agree on something. You shouldn’t be turned on by ponies.]
I looked over at the couch and walked up to it. The sofa came up to my shoulders and I started to climb on. The whole cushion slid towards me and I tried to put one of my back legs up on it. The padding followed me off the couch as I fell down.
I rolled over, discovering that landing on a wing is quite painful. To add insult to injury, a loud laughter began echoing in my head and I could just picture a cocky pony rolling around in there at my misfortune.
[You can’t even sit on a couch!]
“Seriously? Grow up,” I said.
“Dash, are you okay?” Fluttershy asked. “You’re still talking to yourself.”
The laughing subsided slightly. “Yeah, just the headache and some. . . wine. I had some wine.”
Can’t you be quiet while I’m trying to talk? You’re gonna get us both caught.
[Good, then I can get rid of you quicker.]
“Here, let me help you.”
I got onto my hooves and she walked behind me. She used her head to push against my backside, lifting me onto the couch like I imagined a good friend might. The touch felt more than friendly to me though, and sent a shiver down my spine.
[I said mind out of the gutter, Dude!]
“Hey, that was your body not my mind!”
“Hmm?” Fluttershy asks. I smiled and wished I would quit blurting stuff out loud.
Seriously? You’re turned on by your best friend?
[. . .]
“Oh nothing, Fluttershy. You just surprised me is all, and your fur is very smooth,” I added.
I felt a flash of anger in my mind and grinned. She wasn’t the only one who knew how to play hardball.
[I’m gonna get you back for this. First thing in the morning we’re going to see Twilight.]
“Dash, do you want some tea?” Fluttershy asked.
I looked over at the cup and realized I had no idea how to lift it. She sipped from her tea by using both hooves, and I looked down at mine. Somehow I doubted I had the dexterity required to do that. “No thanks, I’m really tired. I’m just gonna get some sleep.”
As soon as I laid down on my side and closed my eyes, I felt her prod my side. “No, Dash, you may have a concussion. You can’t sleep for twenty-four hours.”
[Looks like somepony won’t get that nap they wanted.]
I moaned and looked at her. “You’re kidding me?”
“No, Dashie, you could be seriously hurt,” She said. “I’ll stay awake to keep an eye on you.”
The laughter started up in my head again as I realized I was now stuck awake on the couch for the entire night.
“So, um. . . what happened with Soarin?” she asked.
[I don’t wanna talk about it.]
I grinned as I got an idea to have some fun. I was getting tired of her laughing at me. Like it or not, we were stuck together and something about Dash’s attitude rubbed me the wrong way. “It was. . . horrible. We had this misunderstanding and he got upset when we were about to kiss.”
[Wait, what the hell are you doing?]
I sniffled and wiped my eyes to make it look like I was hiding tears. “I don’t know what I did wrong, but he left!” I grabbed the nearby pillowcase and sobbed into it.
[Seriously, cut it out! Soarin didn’t do any of that.]
“Can I do anything to make it better?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Can—I mean, if it’s okay with you—can I have a back massage?”
“Of course!”
[Wow, you just lied to my best friend and threw my special somepony under the carriage for a back massage? I’m so letting Twilight scrape you out of my brain and throw you away.]
Oh come on, it’s just a back massage. Besides, we’re stuck awake all night and I feel like hell.
[That still doesn’t excuse what you di—]
I moaned and our thoughts vanished as we felt two hooves knead at the muscles below the base of my wings. This wasn’t my body, so each muscle group she massaged felt amazing. There were literally sore muscles I didn’t know I had. “Yes, there.”
She shifted her weight and sat on top of my lower back. I could feel her smooth fur pushing down on my backside, and her two hard but nimble hooves searching out every knotted muscle in my body. Both wings felt lighter and seemed to pull taught against my shoulder blades as they raised themselves up.
“Oh, good, now I can reach under them easier,” she said.
My wings were getting hard to move and seemed to have a mind of their own. Wait, your wings. . . is this some sort of arousal?
[Great, now I’m posturing with my wings to my best friend.]
You mean like some sort of. . . wing-boner?
[What?! No, it’s just—ugh, keep digging yourself deeper, buddy.]
“Should I preen your wings?” Fluttershy asked.
[No, thanks.]
“Sure,” I said with a smile. As I sank further into the couch I could feel her biting my wings in her mouth, slowly picking out damaged feathers and straightening the rest. “Wow, if all I have to do is get a concussion to get a back massage, I’m banging my head on more trees.”
The weight above me shifted. “You hit your head on a tree?”
“It’s a long story,” I explained.
[Are you done hitting on my friend yet?]
Look, Dash, we’ve got to share this body and you have to admit this massage felt really good.
[. . .]
And this preening, is that so uncommon?
[You mean it? You’re not some sort of sicko hitting on my friend?]
Yes, I’m not hitting on her.
“Fluttershy, I pulled a muscle in my stomach somehow. Can you rub it?” I said.
Now I’m hitting on her.
[Oh Celestia, that’s it! That’s one, Dude, I’m keeping count. And so help me, I’m gonna get even!]
I rolled over and Fluttershy sat right below my legs. As much as I tried to hide my thoughts, this mare had such smooth skin on her belly and lovely yellow fur. The thought of being attracted to a pony had never occurred to me, but through these eyes she looked like an angel. Perhaps now that I was in control of this body, I could just hang out here until they find a way to fix things. Free back massages, a sweet yellow mare to wait on me. . .
Fluttershy began rubbing my belly and I could feel Dash inside me fuming. After a few minutes she seemed to have calmed down, and I couldn’t sense her at all. I yawned, feeling myself fall asleep. A jolt of pain quickly woke me back up. Fluttershy had pinched my stomach.
“Sorry, Dash, I said no sleeping.” She smiled and got up, sitting down next to me. “So, want to talk to me some more?”
What should I say?
[. . .]
Oh, so you get to sleep and I don’t.
I rolled my eyes and sighed, letting my gaze drift to a knot in the wood on the ceiling. “Nah, I just want to enjoy the peace and quiet,” I explained. “I’ve had one hell of a day because I wouldn’t eat my damn salad.”
I had a dream that I was falling through the air, yet it was relaxing. The wind was rushing past me until I finally flapped my wings and began to fly. It happened automatically and it took me a while before I tried to stretch and wake up.
The first thing I noticed was that I couldn’t move. There was nothing constricting my movement or holding me down. Where I should have felt my arms—or, I suppose, now they’re pony legs—was an odd sensation. I knew they were there; I could feel them, but had no ability to control them.
Looking around proved useless too. I began to get frustrated, wishing to wake up from this stupid dream and see if Fluttershy could whip up some bacon and eggs. I could only look where the pony in my dream wanted me to look.
“Good morning, sleepy head,” Dash said.
[Wait, you’re in my dream too?]
I heard laughter coming from me, yet I wasn’t the one doing it. Slowly the realization came to me, but I tried my best to resist. “No, Dude, I got my body back! Not so fun now, is it?”
[Shit, let me go! I need to move something—] I focused my efforts on moving a leg, just an inch, but could not. I was sitting shotgun in this pony’s mind, able to only see, hear, or feel what she did. My body only obeyed commands sent by her.
“So, how’s it feel to be stuck and unable to move? You know, just the other day this jerk did the same thing to me. There I was, just watching as he ran around, pretending to be me.”
[This. . . I didn’t realize you felt like this. It’s sorta claustrophobic and like some bad first-person horror film, where they just hold the camera and run around like some boogey man is chasing them.]
Dash flapped her wings and banked left, then headed towards a town I saw in the distance. This was much different than when I had fallen off her front porch. The rush of air flowing through my wings was exhilarating. It felt like when I would comb my short hair with a brush, just to feel the brush scratch an itch on my scalp. Sometimes you just forget how good something could feel. The wind pulling at my hair felt like a massage, tugging and funneling it backwards against the wind. No wonder she loved to fly.
“You sure do think a lot about ‘my body’ and ‘my problem’. Dude, you should really think of this as my body, or at least our body. By the way, when we fix this I think you could make a living selling books about all those crazy thoughts running through your head.”
She had a point: I tended to think of her body as my body, when really it was ours for the time being. [Reading my memories still? Wait—why don’t I remember waking up at Fluttershy’s? Wasn’t your friend supposed to keep me awake? I can’t recall anything after we had sex.]
My snarky remark brought about several emotions as the Pegasus skidded to a halt in mid-air. “You did what?!” Dash demanded. I felt her anger and embarrassment, followed by something akin to jealousy.
I kept a straight face, or mind, as long as I could. Finally I broke out laughing. [Come on, you really think she’d go for a mare like us? I spent most of the night listening to her talk about her animals, though I must have fallen asleep at some point.]
She took a couple deep breaths and I realized what she had been talking about earlier. From this position in the back of her mind, without the distraction of controlling the body, it was much easier for me to read her thoughts. Everything was laid out on the surface of her mind like an open book.
Dash was thinking of Fluttershy in flight camp, and how they had shared a bed when the camp was over-crowded. She was picturing an image of Celestia blasting us with a beam of golden light, forcing me out of her mind. Images of Ponyville and the town library also entered her mind. My attention was so focused on reading her thoughts that I could almost hear her speak before she opened her mouth.
“Don, listen to me closely. You had your fun, but if you ever get in bed with one of my friends you won’t live to regret it,” Dash explained.
When Dash used my real name for a change it caught me off guard, conveying she was being quite serious. [Fair enough. I didn’t mean to offend you, though getting so defensive leads me to believe you really do have a thing for Fluttershy. In fact, ever since you two would cuddle at flight camp, you’ve never lived more than half an hour away from her.]
“Don’t invade my privacy!”
[Hey, I’m only reading the stuff you’re thinking. Speaking of which, who is this Celestia and how do I know she’s the ruler here? All you thought about was her banishing me, but somehow I seem to know other things about her you weren’t thinking about.]
Dash resumed her flight toward Ponyville. It wasn’t much farther now. “I don’t know, but I didn’t poke through your head that much! It’s not like I’m homeland security tapping your phones and spying on you in the bathroom, Dude.”
[Of course, you just guessed that there was an organization called homeland security, on a planet you’ve never heard of, spying on people. Admit it, you must have spent all night invading my privacy.]
“Look, I didn’t but—damn, I’m not paid enough to figure stuff like this out. I handle the weather, or saving the world. I don’t do aliens and I don’t try and figure out why our memories are getting all mixed up. Just stay on your side of my brain, okay?”
[Okay, I call dibs on the left side of your brain. I’ll be over there keeping that cute little image of you and Fluttershy cuddling company.] It’s not like I had much choice in the matter. I could do little but go along for the ride and ponder how I was starting to know things before she thought them.
Dash was over Ponyville now and angled downward, gaining speed and nearing a small tree in the distance. “Look, we’re clearly gonna have to put up with each other for a while, so can you stop being such a smart ass?”
[Not much else for me to do. I’m on an alien world, with no idea how we got here or how we ended up in the same body. Speaking of which, you never answered my question. How’d you get control of your body back?]
“I don’t know, I just did. Don’t expect me to give it back anytime soon, though.”
I struggled to dig into her memory and find something from the morning. Images of oatmeal came to mind, a quick meeting with some other Pegasi to talk about weather, but nothing useful. [So, you have absolutely no idea how we traded control, or if it’ll happen again?]
“I guess,” Dash said. “At least I can talk out loud again; you have no idea how frustrated I was being only able to think.”
[Stick with me here, Dashie—]
“Dude, don’t call me Dashie!”
[Don’t call me ‘Dude’, Dashie, it’s ‘Don’! Now, hush and think about this. You don’t know why or when we’ll switch. Then, you decided to fly to. . . wherever we are headed, knowing that I can’t fly.]
I looked at the rapidly approaching building that looked like it was built into a tree. “Yeah, so?” Dash asked.
I was filled with a sense of dread as I began to regain full sensation to Dash’s legs, causing one of them to twitch. [You’ve never heard of Murphy’s Law, have you?]
She seemed to sense it too, her thoughts becoming obscured in panic. “Crap, we have to land no—”
Without warning, I found myself back in control of the body, already diving towards the ground like a missile. My wings flapped wildly at awkward angles, trying to correct our descent.
[Don, calm down! Flap them together, forty-five degrees! Legs tucked in! Head forward!]
“Not helping, Dash!” I screamed. One of my wings caught a gust of wind, turning my spiral into a spin-out. The world was flashing past as I tumbled through the air.
[Tuck and roll!]
Her command registered with me and I curled up into the fetal position just in time. I heard a loud crashing noise as I hit something. Then, I felt a wall stop my movement, sending me bouncing onto a hard floor. My legs, back, and wings were sore and I lay there in shock. Dozens of hard objects fell on me, bashing me relentlessly.
Where’s a parachute when you need one?
[What the hell! You did that on purpose!]
Yeah, I asked myself, ‘Hey, Don, how can I really screw with Dash? I’ve already hit on her friend, so why don’t I snap her neck by crashing into a fucking—where the hell are we anyway?
I groaned and opened my eyes, standing up. Books fell off me into a pile and I realized we had crashed into someone’s house.
[Somepony’s house.]
Seriously? You’re going to try to make me use pony terminology as I try to figure out what the hell just happened to us?
I saw a large gash on my right foreleg and felt a twinge of pain. There was a large dictionary on the floor and I kicked it as hard as I could in anger, sending it flying across the room. “This is ridiculous, what’s next? Drag—”
You’ve gotta be kidding me.
“Dash, are you okay?” Spike asked.
A fucking talking dragon, and I know his name!
[To be fair, I was thinking about him. You must be picking up on my thoughts, otherwise you would have panicked and bashed your head on another tree.]
In front of me was a juvenile dragon, clad in purple and green scales. He looked awfully human for a dragon, as I’d always pictured them being much larger, kidnapping princesses, and eating sheep in one bite.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. With an attitude like that we’ll be back to normal in no time!
[Look, you want a truce you’re gonna have to act like an adult.]
You first.
“Dash?” A purple claw was waved in front of my face, grabbing my attention. “You’re just staring at the wall. Come on, let’s get that leg fixed.”
“I can’t believe this, you’re a dragon,” I said.
Spike looked up at me and tilted his head to the side. “I think you crashed pretty hard. Uh, Dash, how many fingers am I holding up?”
Glancing at his hand I saw three fingers. I recalled what it was like to have fingers, and moaned loudly. “There are three fingers.”
“No, there are four fingers,” Spike corrected.
I looked at him again, and it was a bit blurry, but I could swear there were three fingers. “There. Are. Three. Fingers!”
[Dude, you’re freaking losing it now. He’s got four fingers!]
I squinted and blinked, willing my blurred vision to correct itself.
Spike ran off without another word and came back in with a small white box with a red cross on it. “You’re lucky Twilight made me read that book on pony first aid, given how often you crash through our windows. What’s the deal with that, anyway?”
“Oh, I just enjoy crashing so much that I aim for the library. It’s much softer than hitting Sugarcube Corner.”
I winced in pain as he poured something on my leg. It turned out to be alcohol, something I was familiar with from my time on Earth. He put some paste on the cut, then wrapped a white bandage around my leg.
Taking stock of our situation revealed I had another headache coming on, and the sore spot from hitting the tree yesterday was still warm and throbbing. He had bandaged the one leg, but my wings felt worse.
Sorry if I broke your wings.
[Nah, I’ve had worse crashes. That’s just the feeling of spraining the muscles attached to the wings and losing a few primaries.]
Thank God at least one of us knows what is going on.
“So, Spike, you can breathe fire, right?” I asked.
[Yeah, that’s our first priority. Seriously, you’ve never seen a dragon before?]
They don’t exist on Earth.
“Of course.” Spike shut the first aid kit and looked at me. “But you already know that. Did you get another concussion?”
“Probably, but that’s neither here nor there. Dash wanted me—us to come here to see Twilight. I’ve got a small problem. I woke up inside Dash yesterday and I can’t get out.”
Spike chuckled and grinned. “Oh, this is another prank isn’t it? You and Pinkie are at it again. Listen, you’re still kinda acting funny, so stay here until Twilight gets back.”
He didn’t seem very interested in, or capable of, helping us. I walked over to a nearby chair and sat down. “So, when will Twilight be back?”
The front door opened as if on cue, and she walked in. “Spike, I’m—what happened?!”
With a nervous smile I rubbed a hoof over my head. “I sorta crashed?”
Twilight looked at me and ran over. She ran right past me to the pile of books on the floor. “I just had this organized!” Twilight began levitating books back onto the shelves, completely ignoring me.
Wow, how inconsiderate. I nearly killed us and she’s focused on alphabetizing her books.
[Yeah, she’s like that. I have a running bet with Applejack that once she gets a coltfriend and gets laid, she stops being so obsessive.]
I grinned and spoke up loudly. “Hey, Twilight, I bet once you get a colt—”
[What? Don’t repeat that!]
“—friend and get laid, you won’t be so obsessive!”
Twilight turned to face me at last. “. . . What, Dash?” She started blushing as my comment set in, and finally she noticed the white bandage on my leg. “Oh, you got hurt!” She rushed over to examine me.
“Nice of you to notice,” I said.
“This is bad, this is really bad!” Twilight said. “I have a report due in less than an hour, and the book is somewhere in that mess! I can’t afford to be late again!”
“We’ve got bigger problems on our hooves than a book report. This is gonna sound a little crazy, but I’m not Dash. I’m an alien that woke up in her body and I need you to get me out.”
[Real smooth. Why not tell her Discord is tap dancing out front for charity?]
Twilight took a step back and her eyes went wide. “What? Really, Dash? You want to joke around and play pranks when I’m late for my report to the princess? Spike! Are you in on this?”
“Nah, she tried the same line on me, Twi,” Spike answered.
“You’re not listening! This is no prank, I’m not Dash! I’m a human fro—”
Twilight levitated one of the books I had knocked over in front of me. “A human from Camelot? Knight of the round table?” She was holding up a copy of King Arthur in her magic, and shook her head. “Really, Dash, put more effort into it next time.”
[Well, didn’t see that coming. I think you’re cursed with bad luck, Dude.]
Is she always this pig-headed?
[Remind her about Cadence’s wedding, when she was able to tell something was wrong. She needs to use her magic or something to see we’re telling the truth.]
“Remember the wedding, where you knew Cadence was a changeling? This is the same thing, you have to just look and you’ll see I’m not Dash.”
Twilight glanced up at my swollen forehead, and seemed to ponder my story for a moment. She lit up her horn, and I felt my headache vanish and the bruise on my head tingle as it healed. “Look, you hit your head pretty hard, so I did what I could. If you were some sort of changeling I’d know: my library is warded against them. I’m sorry, Dash, but you need to leave. I’m too busy right now.”
Wow, what a douche.
[Hey, that’s my friend!]
Yes, your friend who is blowing you off, to let you stay stuck here, with me, until we find a way to convince her.
[She gets like this sometimes, okay? Let’s just wait an hour until her report is done and come back.]
Good idea, I don’t see what could possibly go wrong in an hour.
“Fine, but I’ll be back later and you’re gonna sort this whole mess out for me and send me back to Earth.” I got up and walked towards the door.
On the way there I passed Spike who had been watching us the whole time. “Hey, Spike, do me a favor? Show Twilight your middle finger.”
Spike looked puzzled but lifted his claw up. He held up his middle finger, examining it like I had hidden some sort of prank on it. I tried to stifle my laughter as he waved his claw around, flipping Twilight off.
[I don’t get it.]
“Yeah, that’s perfect, Spike. Bye!” I walked up to the door and pushed it open with a hoof. Once outside, I looked around. The street was little more than dirt with a few bushes denoting where one house’s yard ended and another yard began. The sun was high in the sky and there were no clouds in sight.
“Well, what are we supposed to do now?” I asked.
[Sit still for an hour until Twilight is done, without making any witty remarks, and definitely not hitting my head against anything else?]
“I don’t know, sounds awfully boring.” My stomach rumbled and I realized how hungry I was. “How about something to eat?”
[Good idea, there’s a restaurant just down the road.]
“What kind? Burgers, pizza, steak, or even some chicken would be good.”
[Not sure what some of those are, but we don’t eat meat. We’re ponies, Dude, we eat vegetables!]
I moaned, realizing she was right. Ponies were herbivores. “So, no red meat? No juicy steaks cut fresh from a cow and grilled to perfection?”
The sensation of wanting to vomit came over me briefly. [Gross, Dude! How can you live like that? Killing cows to eat them? That’s cannibalism.]
“Cannibalism is only when you eat your own species, not some dumb cow,” I explained.
[Cows aren’t dumb! They can talk and I bet any one of them would be better company than you!]
I began to trot down the road, glad that her memories of how to walk without tripping seemed to be equally shared between us. Maybe later she could whip me up a memory on how to fly. “Talking ponies, dragons, and cows. What’s next? Talking griffins? Wyverns and hydras? Maybe ancient evil beings who have a dark tower, and sit atop it peering over the land, waiting to find their one ring?”
[Is there a point to all this talking, or do you just enjoy making me suffer? We’re up to two now. I’ll be back in control and get even eventually.]
“Two? What’d I do this time?” I groaned and shook my head. “Hey, I’m trying, okay? I’m sorta pissed off about this whole thing and making jokes helps me handle that. I’m. . . I’m sorry if my jokes are making you that upset, okay?”
[You mean it?]
“Yeah, that’s just who I am. I’ll try to dial it back some, but imagine if you woke up in my human body. How would you cope with that? All alone in an alien world that eats meat, mocks the homeless, and is constantly at war with one another.”
“Hey, Dashie, why are you talking to yourself?” Pinkie said.
I turned to face her and could feel Dash’s annoyance. Memories of how insanely hyper Pinkie could get came to mind. She also had feelings of deep loyalty to her. “Just the usual, I’m keeping myself entertained while I look for some food.”
Pinkie’s shoulder twitched and it ran down her leg. “Oh, alright. I never knew you talked to yourself. I bet you sing in the shower too. I sing in the shower all the time, only Mr. Cake says that I shouldn’t do it so loud while the twins—”
I see what you mean. Do they feed her nothing but caffeine?
[This is just sugar. The coffee shops in Ponyville know better than to let her near their espresso makers.]
Pinkie stared at me until I realized she was waiting for a response. “Uh, what was the question?”
“I said, have you seen the new pony? I keep getting the Pinkie Sense for new pony, but I can’t find them! And it’s really strong when I stand next to you, so you must know where the new pony is!”
Should we tell her that I’m human?
[We could try, but I doubt she’d take it seriously.]
“I haven’t seen any new ponies, Pinkie. I have seen a human, though, and he sort of got lodged in my head,” I explained. “I was gonna get Twilight to fix it but she was too busy to help.”
Pinkie pulled a stethoscope out of her mane, and a nurse’s cap. She grabbed my ear without hesitation and looked in it, then held the stethoscope up to my skull.
“What the heck?” I asked.
“Shh, I’m listening for the human. I didn’t see him in there but maybe he’s being quiet.”
[Oh Celestia, the one pony who wants to help get you outta my head and she thinks she’ll find you with a stetho—thingy.]
Stethoscope.
“Open wide,” Pinkie said.
“Wha—” She grabbed my jaw with her hooves, which were covered in dirt. I felt my jaw pulled wide open and gagged out of reflex as I got a good taste of the dirt now resting on my tongue.
For a moment, I almost thought she stuck her entire head in my mouth. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel her looking around in there. She was just as odd as Dash’s memories of her suggested. Finally, she let my mouth go and then yanked me forward, looking in my eye.
“Hey, stop that!” I protested.
“Hmm, Nurse Pinkie doesn’t see anything wrong with you, Dashie. You get a clean bill of health.” Pinkie put the props away and her front left shoulder down to her hoof trembled again.
Why do they get to call you Dashie?
[They’re not holding me hostage in my own brain.]
“Thanks, looks like you can’t help me after all. At least you tried. Now, I am really hungry and need something to eat,” I explained.
“Oh, want a cupcake?” Pinkie pulled out a cupcake and held it in front of me in her hoof.
“Where’d you get that?” I asked.
[Don’t encourage her!]
“I carry cupcakes around in case of a cupcake emergency! I also stash them all over Ponyville!”
I sigh at the idiocy of it all. “Then, wouldn’t you have to go around every single day and switch all the cupcakes out for fresh ones?”
“Yep! It takes a while and the Cakes say that all those free cupcakes have to come out of my paycheck, which is funny because they don’t pay me! It’s worth it though to have fresh cupcakes on hoof whenever a pony is feeling sad or lonely!”
Does her unbridled happiness ever make you want to tie her up, duct tape her mouth shut, and drop her down a well? Does she have any setting other than happy?
[For starters, I happen to like her happiness in small controlled doses. Second, she does get sad; but trust me, you don’t want to see her when she’s sad and lonely.]
An image formed in our mind of a bucket of turnips, some rocks, and a dust bunny having a tea party. I had no idea what that had to do with the pony in front of us until I saw Pinkie sitting there with her eyes wide and drifting apart.
Noted.
“Dash? Why do you keep staring off into the air like that? Are you daydreaming?”
“No,” I said, “just talking with Dash.”
“Oh, okay. Well, do you want the cupcake?”
“Fine,” I said. I reached for the cupcake and noticed how she is holding it in one hoof. I was about to reach my other hoof out to help me lift it, when I realized I’d have to be flying to lift both forelegs off the ground.
Looking at my hoof showed that it can bend, and I took a moment to try and process how that is physically possible. I’m no horse breeder, but back on Earth I was fairly certain horses could neither fly, use magic, nor grasp things with their hooves.
I shook the thought from my head. Who am I to poke holes in the logic of this place? I’m just a visitor, after all, and I’ll be back to boring old Earth sooner or later. I grabbed the cupcake and tossed it in my mouth.
The taste was indescribable. I don’t think I’ve ever tasted something with so much sugar in it. Frosting melted against the roof of my mouth, making my teeth ache from the high sugar content. Already I could feel the rush of energy inside me. Beneath that, the chocolate cake slowly dissolved in my mouth and I swished it around with my tongue. There were even chocolate chips inside of the cupcake.
When I opened my eyes, I’d swallowed my cupcake but drooled about half of it down my face and neck.
[You eat like a drunk stallion. Wipe that off before anypony sees!]
Pinkie was giggling as I wiped my face off with my bandaged foreleg. I looked down and realized I had just smeared the crumbs and drool all over my leg.
[Not like that!]
How am I supposed to wipe it off? You have a towel?
[Ask Pinkie.]
She’s not gonna have a towel.
If it were possible to roll her eyes from within my head, I knew that’s what Dash would’ve been doing. It was almost like we shared a mind’s eye to convey our emotions back and forth. I suppose that’s why other ponies thought we kept spacing out. Yet again, Pinkie was staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to come back from Lala Land.
“Pinkie, you have a towel?” I asked, rolling my eyes.
“Here you go!” She replied. I looked at her and my mouth fell agape. Sure enough, she had a pink dish towel.
Okay, talking ponies I can accept. Dragons I can accept. Magic I can accept. But, how the hell is she doing that? Does she have a backpack in her mane? Some sort of Aleph she uses to reach through dimensions?
[Nope, she’s Pinkie Pie.]
You expect me to just accept ‘because Pinkie Pie’ as a logical explanation for her?
[The rest of Ponyville does.]
Seriously, no one has tried to figure her out?
[Technically, Twilight tried to prove her ability to sense the future was false once. She went mad, erupted into flames, and then accepted Pinkie’s abilities out of faith like the rest of us.]
Shaking my head I grabbed the towel with a hoof and wiped off my muzzle and neck. I had enough problems to solve right now and I wasn’t adding Pinkie Pie to that list. Once I had cleaned myself off, I handed the dirty towel to Pinkie Pie.
Alright, smarty pants, let’s see where you put the dirty towel.
Pinkie smiled and tossed the towel onto her back, letting it sit there. I just stared at her, expecting something more. “Aren’t you going to put that in your mane or something?”
“No, silly filly, it’s dirty! Plus, Gummy is in my mane,” she explained.
“Gummy?” I asked.
“Yep! I brought him out for a walk. Come on out, Gummy!”
A second later a green alligator poked its head out of her mane. I stared at it and watched it lick one of its own eyes. That’s when I noticed it had no teeth, thus the name Gummy.
“Yep, I’m done here.”
I turned around and started walking away, unwilling to even attempt to understand her.
“Wait! If you see the new pony you have to tell me! The party is at six, and I’ve been getting a Pinkie Sense like crazy since yesterday! I know they’re here. . . Mark my words, I’ll find them!” Pinkie shouted.
I kept on walking, refusing to even accept she somehow knew I was the ‘new pony’ she was looking for. If I accepted she could sense my presence, that’d open a whole other can of worms involving aliens, dimensional travel, and frankly, stuff way above my ability to comprehend.
No, I was going to find this Sugarcube Corner and eat more cupcakes. Then, I was going to figure out how to fly back to Dash’s house and sleep until Twilight pulled the book out of her ass and fixed this mess.
“That’s exactly what I’m trying to say, Dash! Why do you have chairs, doors, tables, and all sorts of things that seem to be made for humans?”
[What? They’re made for ponies. There’s no way humans lived here or we’d know about it.]
I sighed as I walked down a street in Ponyville. They all looked the same: dirt, colorful houses, smiling ponies. This could have been anything from the main street to the ghetto and I wouldn’t have known the difference. This town needed a little excitement—some entropy, and maybe a tornado.
We were on our way to Sugarcube Corner. Dash had promised that I would find food there that doesn’t contain vegetables. I was certain that as soon as she got control of the body back, she would eat a salad. She had clearly underestimated how much I hated them, and I don’t see the big deal about eating some pizza or pasta instead.
“Okay, chairs. You have to climb up on them and lean back and sit. Isn’t there a more pony friendly kind of chair?” I asked.
[Well, how would you design a pony chair then?]
“Uh, I’d shape it like a pony, duh.”
[That’s not an answer!]
“Doorknobs then. Who has hands around here?”
[Those are decorative, and they allow unicorns something to grasp with their magic. Pegasi houses don’t have doors. And on Applejack's farm, the doors don’t even latch closed.]
I sighed and looked up into the sky. The sun was beating down on me and I could feel a layer of sweat beneath my hair. It was humid too, which was just adding insult to injury at that point. I can deal with heat, but I didn’t need the air sweating for me. “Fine, this is an argument I’m not gonna win now. But just you wait, I’ll prove humans used to live in Equestria!”
I used my foreleg to try and wipe some of the sweat off my face. Instead, it would seem my entire coat of fur was damp. If Sugarcube Corner doesn't have central air conditioning then I’m going to strangle the proprietor of the store.
[Well, you’re clearly delusional then. I’ll buy that you’re some sort of alien who claims to be human, butuntil I see you back in your human body and get Twilight or somepony to prove it, I’m just gonna assume you’re some kind of parasprite that wrapped itself around my brain stem and took control of my body.]
“You realize you’re now describing my favorite sci-fi show?” I thought back to watching T.V. on Earth and realized how boring their lives must be here without it. “Each time our memories bleed together it worries me.”
[Why? Because of all the porn you look at on the internet? It’s not like stallions here don’t look at the Wonderbolt edition of Playcolt. They just have a little class.]
I shook my head. “Yes, it’s because I look at porn. It’s not that I’m worried pretty soon our brains will get mixed up like a bowl of soup, to the point they can’t pull me out. It’s like we know things we shouldn’t know before the other one thinks them.”
[Nah, don’t worry! Twilight always fixes everything. When she doesn’t, we have the Elements of Harmony. And when that fails, Celestia always seems to be exactly powerful enough to fix everything.]
“That’s very comforting. I’ll be sure to ask her to fix this when I meet her, because I’m sure it’s that easy.”
“Dash!” a voice shouted. I began to recognize it as it got closer. “Hey, Dash!”
I turned around and smiled, feeling many positive emotions coming from Dash. For the first time since she got stuck with me in her body, I could feel a warmer, happier side.
“Hey, Scootaloo!” I said. So, this is your little sister? How cute.
[She has a family, I’m just like. . . her hero, sister, and all around awesome role-model! You better not mess with her.]
Dash, when have I lead you to believe I’d mess with innocent fillies? I mean, of course I would, but I can tell this one is special to you.
Three fillies had gathered in front of me with mischievous smiles. “So, what are you and your friends up to?” I asked.
“We’re crusadin’ for our cutie marks!” a yellow filly said. I looked at her and smiled in pride, although I couldn’t recall her name. At least some of our memories were still separate. Each time I saw a pony and knew who they were without asking it felt wrong. If I can’t remember her name, I guess you can’t remember that pony I killed last night.
[What? You killed somepony?!]
I knew it! Quit eavesdropping!
[Eavesdropping? I’m trapped here watching this freak show whether I want to or not.]
“Dash, we need your help for our crusade,” Scootaloo said.
“Alright, how can I help?” I smiled and couldn’t help but feel a little happier myself. I guess children have that effect on people, so long as they aren’t your own hellspawn.
“Ah’ll show ya,” the filly said.
[Apple Bloom.]
Thanks, I’m sure it would have come to me.
I followed the three fillies behind a nearby house and halted, with my breath stuck in my throat. “What—is that a trebuchet?!”
“Yeah, do ya like it?” Apple Bloom said.
I took a moment to walk around it in awe. It was at least ten feet tall, and nearly larger than the house it was behind. I didn't know how they could have built it or moved it into town unseen. At the bottom was a large barrel full of rocks for a counter-weight. A series of ropes and pulleys were set up to allow it to be fired. Several watermelons were lined up against a nearby wall.
“Please tell me you built this for some kind of county fair.”
“No, we built it to see if we can get siege warfare cutie marks!” Scootaloo shouted.
“Cutie Mark Crusader Siege Warfare Specialists, yay!” the three fillies shouted in unison.
“Now, engineering cutie mark I might have understood. Pumpkin throwing contest? Sure, why not. But seriously? Your parents let you build a trebuchet to see if you had a talent at destroying fortified structures?” I looked at the three confused, young fillies.
“Well, we built a catapult and a ballista too.” Sweetie motioned past the trebuchet. “It’s a. . . science project!”
Sure enough, I spotted a catapult and a ballista. The catapult had clearly been made by Sweetie. It had been whitewashed and adorned with colorful pink and purple decorations and fabric. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought it was built out of a decorative table and only accidently had the capability to fling fruit hundreds of yards.
The ballista scared me. It reminded me of an elementary school project where we had been tasked with a similar goal. Each student built a device that was to fling a tennis ball fifty yards. To pass, you had to get it close to the goal.
Firing my own homemade slingshot made of two by fours and plywood was scary. Imagining this ballista firing without proper supports or cross beams like the trebuchet had was absolutely horrifying.
Scootaloo’s creation looked like it had been built on the spot, with large planks of wood driven into the ground to keep it from moving. The wood was splintered and bowing under the tension in a few spots, and it hadn't even been cocked yet! Nails jutted out from the sides. It had crosshairs, and flames—actual orange and purple flames—painted along the sides.
Most disturbingly, there was a skateboard in the groove and it appeared you could fire a pony just as easily as a piece of fruit.
Dash, tell me something: Is this considered normal around here?
[Is what considered normal?]
This! The trebuchet! Children building weapons for fun!
[What? Who hasn’t wanted to fling fruit hundreds of yards for fun before? Besides, it’s not like anypony is foolish enough to launch themselves out of one.]
I shook my head. Who am I to disagree? “Alright then, you want me to help you fire them I assume?”
“Actually, you need to be our spotter,” Scootaloo explained. “Fly up there and make sure the coast is clear. We’ve pointed them towards the Everfree, but you’ll have to make sure nopony gets hurt accidentally.”
I sighed, looking at the ballista—is that duct tape? She’s using duct tape to hold her ballista together.
[Well, you gonna spot or not.]
We both know I can’t fly.
[It’s like riding a bike while sharing the body of Lance Armstrong, and stealing all his memories, and ruining his date, and being an all around asshole.]
Still pissed off about Soarin? What am I gonna have to get forgiven for that?
I could hear her laughing in my head and knew from experience it was unlikely she’d stop laughing anytime soon. Deciding to take her advice, I took a deep breath and acted far more confident than I felt. I beat my wings, focusing on keeping them in sync. My eyes were closed as I got ready for liftoff.
Once I opened my eyes, I was probably a hundred feet in the air. My wings fold shut out of fear and a second later, I was flapping them panicked now fifty feet off the ground. “Holy shit, Dash, look! I’m doing it!”
[Yeah, the best flyer in Equestria is flying! Stop the presses!Pegasi can fly! Come on, Dude, you stole my memories; of course you can fly.]
Still on the stealing? Well, you stole my memories of my porn stash. I bet you’re back there right now fantasizing about the Japanese girl and the octopus.
[. . .]
I don’t blame you, it’s hot.
[Are all humans such perverts?]
Yeah, some just hide it better than others.
I heard a loud thud and a whistling sound as something rocketed through the air, nearly hitting me. My wings continued to flap on instinct, hovering me there. I watched as a large watermelon sailed towards the Everfree, falling short and crashing through somepony’s roof.
[Oh, now I see what you mean. These catapults could be dangerous!]
Stop the presses! Dash finally figured out weapons of war are dangerous!
[Hey, shut up or I’m gonna make that your third offense!]
Please, you haven’t even gotten me back for the first two. I’m not even sure you’ll have control of your body long enough to get any sort of revenge.
A loud thud filled the air and another missile soared past me. I looked down and saw the catapult. Most of the decorations had fallen off from the force of it being fired. I flew to the side and watched it sail straight through a window.
[Dude, we need to tell them to stop! This is almost as bad as the time they tried to be paramedics!]
Really? Because it’s a lot of fun from where I’m flying.
[Har har, laugh it up but when the angry ponies ask who was supervising them, they’re gonna tell them it was me!]
Somepony has their panties in a bunch.
[I don’t wear frou-frou panties! And stop saying somepony! It’s someone, right? Stop stealing my words!]
I was wondering how I had gotten my vocabulary mixed up when I heard something crack, splinter, and then explode. Down below, the arm of the catapult flew loose as the catapult tore itself apart. A chunk of wood flew through the air, embedding itself in the side of a nearby house.
Oh, this is priceless. Just one more, okay? I really wanna see that trebuchet in action. At least Apple Bloom knows which end of the hammer to use.
Apple Bloom started to prepare the trebuchet for launch. I didn't know everything about siege warfare, but I knew trebuchets were the best siege weapon of their time. They had the most power and range, and if the filly who built it was any indication, this one would easily reach the Everfree.
It was taking a while for her to get the watermelon ready for launch. I realized I wasn’t even thinking about flying. Hovering seemed so automatic, like walking. I decided to fly around a little and see if I had a good grasp of it. My wings felt shaky and I was able to control my direction and speed a little bit, though I wasn’t sure I’d have called that flying.
I lost sight of the trebuchet and I flew back towards where I thought it was. As I flew around I realized I’d lost sight of the three fillies I was supposedly watching. Finally, I saw the tip of the trebuchet as the arm flew forward. In the grasp of the sling was the largest watermelon I had ever seen.
Fuck my lif—
OOMPH!
I had felt it smack into my chest, and all the wind get knocked out of me. The world went black for several seconds and I lost all feeling. After what seemed like an eternity, I began to wake back up.
Something felt different—aside from the crippling pain and lack of breath. I tried to correct our rapid descent and realized I couldn’t move. I was still groggy, but managed to call for help.
[Dash, fly dammit!]
I—ooh. . .
There were several sharp pains in my side as I felt the wings flap. Dash seemed to be back in control of our body, and was quickly slowing our ballistic descent. Finally, she landed on her hooves, and began to examine herself.
[How did that not kill us?]
“Pegasi are very squishy, dude. Like, the bones are flexible so they don’t break that easily.”
[Is squishy the scientific term for it? You know what, I’m filing that with Pinkie Pie in the ‘shit I don’t care about’ pile. At least we’re alive.]
“WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!” a filly screamed.
Dash looked immediately into the air to find the source of the noise. Sailing towards us was Scootaloo, legs wrapped around a skateboard and flapping her wings like a hummingbird.
[What was that you said about nopony being stupid enough to strap themselves onto a ballista?]
She took to the air immediately and I focused on the feel of her wings and her memories of flight. Since I was a spectator again, the least I could do it try to learn a thing or two.
Dash quickly intercepted Scootaloo in mid-air. I don’t know if she was still out of it from the trebuchet nearly killing us, or perhaps just sore, but she collided with Scootaloo instead of catching her.
The familiar pain of the laws of physics correcting themselves shot through me. An object in motion remains in motion until colliding at terminal velocity with your ribcage.’
After several seconds I felt Dash hit something and stop moving. As I laid there I waited for her to get up, only realizing after a minute of trying to calm down that I was back in control.
Hey, Dash, you okay?
[Yeah, Dude.]
Guess what? I think blunt force trauma is a reliable way to switch who is in control! Isn’t this—I felt Scootaloo hug me and a sharp pain shot through my wing. Okay, not great but it’s a start.
[I don’t think we’ll be flying anymore for a day or two. I bet Twilight or that cute unicorn doctor could fix us up.]
Really? A crush on a doctor and a Wonderbolt. No stallion in this town is safe.
“Dash, that was so awesome!” Scootaloo yelled in my ear. “I bet I was flying fast enough to do a sonic rainboom!”
[Ha! Not even close.]
“Look, squirt, that’s enough siege warfare for today. I’ll teach you to fly if you promise not to launch yourself out of any more weapons, okay?” I said.
“Really?” Her eyes lit up and she smiled. “You're usually so busy, but you’ll find more time to teach me?”
[Come on, Dude, let’s sort out this alien situation first.]
“Of course I will! No more dangerous cutie mark stuff, and I’ll start teaching you as soon as my wings heal. You fillies nearly killed me!”
“Haha,” Scootaloo giggled. “Nopony ever dies around here except from old age.”
“Yeah, that’s physically impossible. Heart attacks, accidental falls, murder?”
Her eyes went wide and she gasped. “But. . . Dash, that’s horrible! Nopony has murdered another for hundreds of years!”
[Quit scaring her, Dude!]
You seriously expect me to believe ponies don’t die around here?
[Of course they do, you freakin’ idiot! But we don’t scare our fillies by telling them all about it!]
“Heh, sorry. I uh, hit my head pretty hard. Just run along now, okay? I’ll see you around but I’ve got some important stuff involving cupcakes to do.”
I patted her on the head and she seemed content to run off towards town. No doubt she was either going to launch herself again, or find a place to hide as several angry homeowners looked for the fillies who had launched watermelons into their houses.
Walking back into town wasn’t as bad as I thought. True to her word, Dash seemed to have a rather well-built body. Perhaps it was their anatomy and physiology, or maybe it was magic, but I could feel she hadn’t broken any bones. For all my schooling back on Earth, I couldn’t think of a single human, or even animal on Earth, that could take that kind of abuse without fracturing several ribs.
The smell of Sugarcube Corner reached me long before I could see it. My stomach began rumbling and I realized how hungry I was. Finally I would have something to eat that tasted as good as it looked.
After running down the road like a filly on a sugar high, I skid to a halt in front of the bakery. Going inside revealed several ponies in a large lounge, complete with party streamers, cake, punch, cupcakes, cookies, and. . .
Wait, why is there a party going on in a bakery?
[This is where Pinkie lives, and she’s throwing a party for the new pony, which is you. Remember?]
Haha, oh yeah, now I do. She’s probably going crazy trying to find me.
[Whatever you do, don’t mess with Pink—]
Her thought was ignored as I shoved the largest cupcake I could find into my mouth. I could barely close my mouth to chew it, and had to use a hoof to keep it all in. Finally, I made some progress as it began to dissolve in my mouth.
The sugary treat slid down my throat and already I was craving another. I caught an ugly orange pony staring at me.
[It’s Applejack you idiot. She’s probably wondering if I’ve finally gone insane, and she’s not far from the truth.]
I smiled and winked at her seductively—or at least I tried to be. Then, while she looked at me with her eyes wide in shock, I grabbed two cupcakes and shoveled them into my mouth. My sweet tooth as a human was pretty strong, but if I didn’t know better I’d say that Dash never ate a cupcake in her whole life. I felt so giddy with each bite.
[Slow down! Of course they taste good, but I hardly eat any. I’m an athlete! Say it with me: ath—lete. I have to eat healthy and exercise, or my flanks would be chubby and full of cupcakes.]
Sounds like your problem. This is your body, after all. As for me, I’ll be home free in a day or a month, and you’ll be stuck here with diabetes and thunder thighs.
[Did. . . did you just say I have thunder thighs?]
Not yet, but you will have thunder thighs after all these cupcakes.
The sensation of fury radiating off her reminded me that, at her core, Dash was a woman. I then realized that the last thing you should ever do to a woman if you value your continued existence, is to call them fat.
Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, okay?
[. . .]
Look, you can make that twenty to get even with me or something, just don’t throw me under the bus when we go see Twilight to fix this. You’re not fat, and you're way more fit than I ever was.
“Dashie! You made it!” Pinkie shouted.
Before I could turn to face her, she latched around my neck and hugged me. “Hey, Pinkie.” I grabbed another cupcake and ate it. Dash was already pissed off at me, the least I could do was enjoy some cupcakes.
“So, did you find the new pony? Did you?” Pinkie asked.
“Yeah, he’s right over there. You just missed him.” I raised a hoof and pointed across the room towards what looked like a kitchen.
“Thanks!” Pinkie vanished—not ran, I’m fairly certain I would have seen her run—and I saw her in the kitchen. Moments later she popped up right next to me with a frown on her face. “Nope, I must have just missed him.”
It took every ounce of strength to will myself not to ask how she did that. Odds were it would’ve involved a long explanation, a song and dance, or more examples of her supernatural abilities.
As much as she freaks me out, I bet we could have some fun with her.
[. . .]
I realized that insulting women was a good way to get some peace and quiet. Usually I have to listen to them for hours, pretending to care, only to find out they weren’t going to come back to my place for hot coffee anyway.
“Pinkie, look!” I pointed up the staircase. “There he went!”
“I’m on it!” Pinkie saluted me, then vanished as she sprinted up the stairs.
“So, my delicious little morsels,” I said to the platter of sweets. “You will tell me the location of the hidden rebel base. . . or I will eat all of you!”
“Uh, Dash, what are ya doin’ talkin’ to yourself?” Applejack said.
“Not now! Yes, not even Applejack can save you.” I reached down and grabbed a chocolate and strawberry cupcake, eating both greedily. I could feel frosting all over my cheeks and nose. Luckily my tongue was long, prehensile, and utterly amazing. If I ever made it back to Earth I could probably get a nobel prize for the scientific discoveries I made here. I wouldn’t—scientists are boring as fuck—but I totally could if I wanted too.
“Sugarcube, ah think it’s best if y—”
“Nope, no new pony!” Pinkie interrupted. “Ugh, this is awful! I can’t make my body stop twitching and it’s getting worse! If I didn’t know better, I would think it’s working its way up to a real doozy!”
“Maybe he’s in this cupcake. I’ll investigate,” I said. I ate another cupcake and felt my stomach starting to ache in protest. Looking back, I can’t recall how many cupcakes I had eaten. I’m pretty sure they’d be outlawed alongside heroin and cocaine back on Earth. These things were addictive.
“Hmm, if I baked him into a cupcake I would have had to cut him up into really tiny pieces, but even then, that’d mean I knew where he was,” Pinkie explained.
“I’m waiting for Twilight,” I explained, “or I’d help you look. The new pony told me he was hiding under one of the tables. Keep looking, you’re getting warmer.”
Pinkie bolted away, and the table clothes began to swish and swoosh as she darted between the various tables. I took this opportunity to finish the rest of the cupcakes on the platter. When I turned my head, Applejack was still standing there.
My mouth was still half full and I spat crumbs out as I spoke. “Whaf? Habn’t yu sheen uh mare whoosh kraven sugeer?”
“It ain’t polite to talk with your mouth full, Dash,” Applejack answered.
I finished swallowing the last of the cupcakes. “I said, haven’t you ever seen a mare who was craving sugar?”
“Ah don’t think ah’ve ever seen ya eat that many cupcakes.”
“And ah don’t think ah’ve ever seen a pony with a stick so far up their butt.”
Applejack’s eyes went wide and she frowned, not sure what to make of my insult. I could see her nostrils flaring and realized she must be counting to ten or something in an attempt not to hit me.
Say, Dash, does she have a temper?
[Why don’t you call her thunder thighs and see what happens?]
Well, if you’re gonna be a smart ass. . .
“Hey, thunder thighs, back off. You’re in the way of me and my cupcak—”
I never saw her hoof coming. To be fair, I had it coming, but I had no clue they could hit so hard. She watched as I turned my head back towards her with a big smile. Despite the force of the impact, I think she’d pulled that punch. Applejack looked like she was strong enough to have knocked me out cold if she wanted to.
After a moment I realized I was still in control. Perhaps that theory about blunt force trauma was wrong? Time to turn on the water works and get outta this mess. “Sorry, my date with Soarin ended. . . It—he left,” I cried. It wasn’t hard as she had really hurt my jaw.
“Oh, ah’m sorry sugarcube. Ah knew somethin’ was botherin’ ya, come here.” Applejack pulled me in for a hug.
My past sins forgiven, I returned the hug and marveled at how forgiving and trusting ponies around here were. If only people back on Earth could be this awesome, ready to set aside their differences and let the past stay in the past. My mind wandered until I finally realized I was wishing Earth was more like Equestria. I’ll take red meat and internet over world peace any day.
“Where are you?! Show yourself!” Pinkie screamed.
Applejack let go of me and we turned to face Pinkie. I rubbed my sore jaw and thought about the inevitable headache I’d have later today from all the abuse. That was when I realized it was no longer me rubbing my jaw. Once again, Dash had assumed control of her body, turning me into a passive spectator.
[Well isn’t this great. I didn’t even get to try the punch, cake, or cookies.]
You’ll be lucky if I ever let you near sweets again, Don!
“Get out here right now!” Pinkie yelled. “I can sense you! I know you’re in this room, dammit!”
[I think I really broke her this time.]
“Pinkie, calm down, sugarcu—”
“No!” Pinkie interrupted. From my vantage point within Dash, I could see her flat mane, and something else just beneath the surface. “I know he’s in here! Get out here, Don!”
[Shit, she knows my name! But—how—it. . .]
Told you not to mess with her. Things get weird when her hair flattens out.
I saw Twilight walk through the door, late to the party, and just in time to see Pinkie meltdown. “What’s going on?” she asked.
“Pinkie’s looking for the new pony,” Dash explained. “Pinkie, come here and let’s talk.”
“No! Everypony out, except the new pony! Watch the door, don’t let any new ponies out!”
All the ponies started to file out the front door. Applejack, Twilight, and Dash stood there waiting for her to calm down. I did my best to make my presence scarce in Dash’s head, as I’d just insulted one of her friends and made the other go bat-shit insane.
“Pinkie, it’s just us. No new ponies, okay?” Twilight said.
“He’s still here!” Pinkie began racing around the room, knocking tables over. “Pinkie Sense is never wrong! Come out, dammit! Why? Why do you hate me? I just want to throw you a party and be your friend!”
“Pinkie!” Dash yelled. In a burst of speed I didn’t know she was capable of, she leapt on her and pinned her to the floor. “Pinkie, it’s me! The new pony is stuck in my head.”
“Dash! This is no time for pranks,” Twilight scolded.
“Damn it, Twilight! I was trying to tell you at the library. During my date with Soarin a freaking human just popped into my head and got stuck there and I can’t get him out—or alien or whatever—but I need your help!”
“Really?” Pinkie asked. I could see her looking into our eyes with a spark of recognition. “It stopped! The twitching finally stopped!”
“Girls, seriously, this has gone far enough,” Twilight said. “I don’t know what kind of prank this is but it’s over.”
“This isn’t a prank.” Dash let Pinkie go and turned to face her and Applejack. “Something’s wrong with me and I wanted to tell you first, in private. I don’t want everypony to know I got some thing stuck in my head. What if it’s worse? What if I’m crazy, or I never get to join the Wonderbolts, or the human takes over my mind completely?”
[For what it’s worth I have no plans to take over your mind.]
“Twilight, ah think she’s tellin’ the truth. Ah know Dash, and she ain’t fibbin’,” Applejack said.
“Ugh, fine, I’ll cast a spell to see if she’s telling the truth and then you can pull whatever prank it is while my eyes are closed.” Twilight sighed in defeat and closed her eyes. Her horn began to glow purple.
Despite being a passenger in Dash’s body, I could feel the magic touching me—the human me, with fingers and toes. Somehow, amidst the purple aura surrounding Dash, Twilight had sensed me inside her for a brief moment.
[She did it!]
Twilight opened her eyes. Her pupils had dilated and gone wide in fear. I searched Dash’s mind for some explanation, but found none.
“She’s right—there’s something alien in there,” Twilight said.
“Thank you!” Dash exclaimed.
“I’ll get it out right away!”
Twilight’s horn began to glow and several interesting things happened. First all sense of sight, smell, and hearing vanished in a loud pop. Next I could feel my body being pulled through the eye of a needle, as my hooves reached out to step on a distant location. It wasn’t painful, yet I could tell I was being quite literally pulled between two distant points like a rubber band, and then released.
There was another deafening pop and the smell of sulfur. Dash shook her head and fought the urge to vomit as I watched events unfold. Twilight lit up her horn and I felt us slam against a table and metal restraints lock over our legs.
[Fuck! Who keeps restraints in a dungeon? She teleported us to a dungeon?! She’s gonna kill us! Or me! Oh god, HELP!]
“Calm down!” Dash shouted.
“I am calm. Don’t worry, Dash, I can fix this,” Twilight said.
[Shit! Come on, Dash, I’m sorry! Please, I’ll never be a smart ass again! LET ME OUT!]
I imagined myself struggling, or escaping, or somehow forcing control of her body back to myself. For all my fighting, all I accomplished was making Dash sweat. I could feel her panicking. My own emotions of fear were seeping into her, clouding her thought.
P-please, Don, y-you’re scaring me. I c-can’t think w-with you panicking, calm d-down, Twilight w-won’t hurt us!
Twilight pulled out several large metal tools and wires. I could hear something whir to life and lights flicker on, pointing directly at us. What had started as concern had quickly turned to fear, and then an overwhelming sense of impending doom. I could no longer control my emotions.
[She’s gonna cut our brain open! HELP!]
“Don’t kill me!” Dash screamed. She began to thrash wildly against the restraints, causing them to dig into her skin.
“Calm down, Dash, I won’t hurt you. But if you keep thrashing I’ll have to put you to sleep,” Twilight said. “This is routine, just like when I had Pinkie down here.”
“No! Not Pinkie too! How many did you kill? How many ponies?!” Dash yelled.
[This is just like the Saw movies! She’s gonna play a game and we’re gonna have to cut the key out of our stomach! Or maybe our eyeball!]
“No! I don’t want to play a game!” Dash shouted.
I felt some magic wash over Dash, ceasing her movement. Then there was a prick in our neck and Dash stopped moving. Within a minute, her eyelids closed, plunging us into darkness. Slowly I felt the effects of the drug on myself. I calmed down and lost focus as I drifted away to join Dash in sleep.
My last thoughts were of which benzodiazepine Twilight had used to sedate us, and how I even knew what that was.
As I regained consciousness, I felt like my body hadn’t slept in weeks. The drowsiness was almost overwhelming. It was like that moment when the alarm goes off and you ought to wake up, but it is just so cozy in your bed that you refuse to.
Opening one eye to avoid hide the fact I was awake revealed a blurry mess of brown. After blinking a few times, a grimy looking basement began to swim into view. Sitting at a nearby table was Twilight, and a flood of memories came back to me. I had been worried Pinkie was crazy, but this pony had taken the cake. Dash had been trying to explain our predicament when she flew off the deep end and kidnapped us.
A sore bump on my neck reminded me that my earlier panic caused her to knock us out. Twilight was engrossed in her book and jotting notes, so I inched towards the edge of the bed to sneak out of the room. The old springs in the mattress and metal frame conspired against me, creaking loudly.
Twilight turned, and I closed my eye, freezing in place. Nothing to see here, I’m still asleep. I awaited the sound of her jotting down more notes. Minutes passed before I finally inched an eyelid open. Sure enough, she was busy at her desk, so I began my escape in earnest.
Reaching the end of the bed I realized it’d likely make more noise if I didn’t ease myself off it. I put one leg over to touch the ground when the frame squealed like a stuck pig. Profanities floated around my mind as I went limp and pretended I had rolled over. My leg was now dangling over the edge, and twitched slightly. I hated sleeping with an arm over the edge of a bed. It was like some monster would grab my hoof and pull me underneath the mattress.
[So childish, no. . . no monsters.]
At least Dash seemed to be okay, though apparently also loopy from the drugs. After a few minutes the scribbling resumed. I took a slow, deep breath and then opened my eyes.
Inches in front of me stood Twilight, smiling and staring right at me. She had tricked me with the sound of her quill and paper. I pushed back against the mattress and slid up against the wall. I felt my back thud against it but my head continued moving as the room spun. It took all my effort to choke back my nausea and not vomit.
“Oh good, Dash, you’re awake! I was really worried. There’s something inside you and I can’t figure out what it is, and it was making you act out of control!” Twilight explained.
“Some—something?! I’m a human, dammit! You could have fucking asked!” I yelled. The sudden exertion caused me to double over on the bed. Twilight seemed to be expecting this and levitated a trash can in front of me. With all the grace I could, I let the contents of my stomach—which was about 80% cupcake—explode into the trash can.
Dash chuckled a little in my mind and moaned. [It’s funny but it hurts.]
“So you’re not Dash. Am I talking to the entity?”
“Human! And my name is Don.” I wiped my muzzle and hoped to never repeat the fun sensation of vomiting as an equine. “Quit calling me ‘the thing’ or—” My tirade was halted as I fought back another wave of nausea.
“Okay, Don. I’m sorry I had to sedate you, but I couldn’t risk you hurting my friend,” she said.
“For starters, what the hell did you inject me with and how much? And who in their right fucking mind jams needles in someone’s neck?! Those shots are meant to be given in a muscle, like one of my thighs!” I explained. “You could have killed me! Given me an air embolism or caused a clot that would lead to a stroke, or hell, just hit my spine and paralyzed me!”
Twilight’s eyes went wide and her mouth flopped around for a moment while she regained composure. “You know about medicine? It was just a little sodium thiopental. I thought the neck would be—”
“Yeah, well, you thought wrong.” I shook my head vigorously, trying to clear the cobwebs out of it. This caused another wave of nausea but at least I felt a little more alert. “Seriously, Dash told me you had a tendency to screw things up and magically fix them, but this? You have a fully stocked underground medical laboratory full of dangerous drugs you don’t know how to properly use?!”
“It wasn’t for this. Please, I had no idea what to do! Pinkie Pie was freaking out, and then you had something—I mean, Dash had something show up inside her. You could have been a changeling surprise attack, or Sombra, or Discord!”
I slid back to the wall and sat up, using it to steady me. “Ugh, well I’m not. So, can we move on to fixing this whole mess?”
Twilight’s eyes lit up and she smiled. “Of course! I’ve been studying several books and taking notes, trying to figure this out.”
“How long was I asleep?” I asked.
“Oh, ten minutes, but I had plenty of time to cross-reference my library and find out I know absolutely nothing about what’s going on with you!” Twilight smiled and resumed taking notes.
Dash, all of your friends are crazy. Well, I guess Fluttershy was alright, but the rest of them? Nut jobs.
[You’re right. Why is she so happy? She just said she has no idea how to fix this.]
“Yeah, Twilight, why are you happy if you don’t know what’s going on?” I asked.
“Because I’ll get to learn all about you and figure out how to fix it! I haven’t gotten to work on such a fascinating project since my three hundred page dissertation to Celestia on my combined studies on the magic of friendship.”
I rolled my eyes and huffed. “I’m going to ignore that entire last sentence. Anyone who needs to write a three hundred page paper on friendship is doing it wrong.”
[Hey, ask her if she can help with any other stuff, like our memories.]
“I’ve already deduced several things, and made a hypothesis,” she explained.
“Great, I can’t wait to hear what the kidnapping evil genius with a basement full of BDSM toys has to say.”
Twilight began to blush furiously and looked away. I could hear Dash inside me laughing loudly. Apparently there was some inside joke between the two of them. I refused to believe the alternative: that this was, in fact, Twilight’s sex dungeon.
No! Bad thoughts! Twilight does not own a sex dung—gah! Stop thinking that!
[Haha, why? You kept saying she needs to get laid. Maybe she’ll tie you back up and let you pleasure her!]
Not helping!
“I. . . um. . . can we talk about something else?”
With a soft chuckle I got out of bed and moved in for the kill. Between Dash’s knowledge of her and what I’d observed, she was going to be an easy mark to mess with.
I tapped Twilight on the shoulder, waiting for her to turn and face me. I smiled widely. “Why. So. Serious?” I continued grinning and inching towards her face.
Twilight’s ears flattened against her head and her eyes went wide. Before she did something rash—like magic me into a pile of ash—I stopped advancing on her and fell to the ground laughing.
I think I heard her giggle too, though it was likely out of nervousness. It felt good to relax and laughed a bit. After a few minutes of it I felt renewed. Finally I stopped and heard Twilight taking notes again. “So, what are you taking notes on now?”
“Oh, your behavior. I’m compiling a thorough research paper on my findings of two entities inhabiting one body. Also, if what you say is true, this is first contact with a new species known as humans. Are they all as. . . unstable as you?” Twilight asked.
“Hah, yeah, ask the crazy alien if he’s crazy. Let’s go with ‘no, I’m not crazy, I’m just twenty percent cooler!’” I smiled and tilted my head to the side, trying to recall where I’ve heard that phrase before.
[You’re in my memories again.]
Oh, right.
“Hey, Don, all joking aside, okay? I’m concerned that Dash is in grave danger. Is she okay in there?” Twilight asked.
I got up and went back to the bed to take a seat. “Yeah, she’s watching and can hear and feel everything while I’m in control. She says you have well-toned flanks and very cute cheeks when you blush.” I waited a second for her to hide her face behind a notebook as her cheeks turned crimson. “Yeah, just like that!”
[Dude, stop it! We need her help! Can you please not be an ass for five minutes?!]
Sorry, force of habit. I mean, this whole thing is so absurd I just—seriously? How could this mess have a happy ending? I’m stuck in an alien body, God knows where, and that’s the only coping mechanism I have left.
[Look, she’ll help us. If you want to be an ass, there’s this pony who is always sending the weather team complaints. I’ll teach you how to control weather. We can go flood his garden and kill his flowers later, okay?]
Hmm. . . that seems fair. A little good behavior and we get to go laugh at some stuck up pony.
“Dash? I mean, Don? Hello?” Twilight asked. “You seem to have zoned out.”
“Huh? Oh, I was just talking with Dash.”
“Could you explain how you got here? Or just any other useful information?”
The first reply I could think of was a song I had stuck in my head. I started to sing without realizing it. “Yesterday, all my troubl—”
“Stop!” shouted Pinkie Pie. She crawled out from under a nearby desk and jammed her hoof into my mouth.
What the hell?!
I spat her hoof out. “Pinkie, why did you stop me from singing? And why did I feel so compelled to sing in the first place?”
Pinkie smiled and spun one of Twilight’s chalkboards around and began drawing me a diagram. “That’s easy! Celestia doesn’t want anypony sued by the RIAA for copyright infringement. The illegal use of copyrighted song lyrics, phrases, titles, names, ideas, or intellectual property would put us all on the fast track to getting sued!”
This isn’t possible. This isn’t physically possible!
She had finished drawing a complete set of sheet music and lyrics on the chalkboard. “That’s why Celestia has decreed we have to make up our own songs, or use those in the public domain!”
[Let it go, Don.]
No, not this time. I have to ask.
[Oh god, no!]
“How the hell do you even know what the RIAA is? It’s an Earth agency, Celestia knows how far away it is. Maybe it’s in another dimension! And you think somehow they’re going to reach through the vast void separating me from my home to sue you, a magical talking pony, for copyright infringement!”
“Exactly! The suit against Lyra for making a fan song about a fan fiction she read based on a children’s novel settled for forty thousand bits! It’s way more trouble than it’s worth.” Pinkie handed me a glass of water. “It’s an easy mistake to make, and you’re new. Take a drink and then we’ll sing this suitably depressing song from the public domain.”
I took a sip of the water, weighing my options.
It hurts, Dash. I’m literally in pain trying to figure her out.
[Because Pinkie Pie, Dude. You’ll hurt yourself. Rumor has it that it wasn’t the thanksgiving quadruple-chocolate-sundae that gave Mr. Cake a heart attack. It was him trying to figure out how Pinkie swallowed her own sundae in one bite!]
I just—I can’t even. . .
[Well, you’re stuck singing now. It’s in our DNA or something.Once you start to sing, you’ve got to scratch that itch.]
Are we talking about sex or singing? There’s no way I’m gonna sing some lame song.
I felt an itching in the back of my mind, and notes playing in my ears. Words began to form on my tongue, begging for release.
“Ready for your solo, Don?” Pinkie asked.
“Nope!” I bit my lip as a song I’d only heard once, long ago and in passing, lodged itself firmly in my head. It became all I could think about. I wanted—no, I needed to sing it.
This is it. This is what going crazy feels like.
[Loosen up for once.]
I looked to Twilight for help. She had put ear plugs in, and shrugged. “You started this, you’re on your own.” Her gaze drifted back to a journal she was taking notes in.
“Come on, like this: I’m so unhappy, what’ll I do?”
I sighed in defeat as I sang, relieving the itching in my mind with Dash’s slightly-tomboyish voice. “I long for somebody who will sympathize with me.”
“Pick me!” Pinkie shouted.
“I’m growing so tired of living alone, I lie awake all night and cry. Nobody loves me, that’s why.”
“Pinkie loves you!” She jumped on me and hugged me, making it difficult to complete the rest of the short song.
“. . . all by myself,” I finished. I felt a great burden lifted from me. I actually felt happy.
Dash broke the silence, doing what I can only assume was a golf clap.
Are. . . are you mocking me, Dash?
[Bravo! You’re lucky the whole town didn’t join in on that song.]
You’re joking, right?
[I wish, Dude, I wish. Heck, I felt compelled to sing while Fluttershy’s animals had me tied up in a large pot. They were going to cook me, which is funny because most of them were herbivores.]
“Not bad for your first song.” Pinkie cheered for me and clapped her hooves. “Not entirely fitting, but you have a lovely voice!”
“I quit, this is all too absurd! Twilight, magic Dash back into control of her body. I need a few hours to process all this insanity,” I said.
“I can’t, Don. I don’t know how,” Twilight explained.
Pinkie frowned and gave me a hug. “Oh, Don, this whole time you were stuck inside that grumpy pants Dash and she wouldn’t let you come to my party? It must have been horrible! I knew the new pony would want to be my friend!”
“Yeah, Pinkie, that’s what happened. I totally wanted to come to your party and tell you the truth but Dash said I need to play it safe,” I answered.
[Again with the lies?]
She’s fucking crazy! I’m never messing with her again, and if a little white lie convinces her I wasn’t deliberately antagonizing her at her party, then a lie it is. She strikes me as the kind of mare who hides dead bodies in her attic while smiling all day like nothing is wrong.
[You really need to lighten up. Is Earth that horrible? I mean, we’re not all sunshine and rainbows in Equestria but you are acting like you’ve never been happy before.]
“Twilight, why is he staring at the wall?” Pinkie asked.
I suppose that’s not too far from the truth, but that’s neither here nor there.
[Look, we live good lives and have a good time, and when we’re not being body snatched, we even get to love each other. We definitely aren’t hiding bodies in any attics. If you’d just chill out you could relax and wait for Twilight to fix this.]
“Oh, Don’s talking to Dash,” Twilight explained. “I’m trying to get them to explain any useful info about their situation.”
Relax? Okay, if you take us back over to Fluttershy’s for a massage I’ll relax. I want to be as far away from trebuchets, Pinkie, and Twilight as possible.
“It looks like they’re bickering,” Pinkie observed.
[Just give Twilight something useful and I’ll massage you myself! For Celestia’s sake, we finally got her attention to help us.]
Twilight scribbled a quick note. “I wonder what they’re talking about.”
You’re right. I’m going to focus on ignoring how wrong the laws of your universe are, and I’m going to focus on getting Twilight to magically fix this like you claim she always does.
“They probably expect you to magically fix everything like you always do,” Pinkie replied.
“She already said she doesn’t know how yet, Pinkie,” I said. “Okay, so back to the start then and I’ll explain what’s happened?”
Pinkie pulled out a lawn chair, some popcorn, and sat in the corner. “Oh, this gonna be good!”
She’s gonna kill me. She’s literally going to give us both a heart attack or an aneurysm.
[Calm down, just don’t sweat the small stuff.]
Small stuff? She pulled a freaking lawn chair out of her mane! A lawn chair!
[Oh, and singing songs from the roaring twenties on Earth didn’t phase you, it was the lawn chair?]
Don’t antagonize me!
“Don?” Twilight asked. “Don!” She used her magic to make a loud popping noise, which got my attention. “Are you alright? You keep hyperventilating and you look a little panicked.”
“It’s just. . . Pinkie, could you be a little less random and maybe stop pulling stuff out of your mane? It’s kind of disturbing,” I said. “Well, more than kind of, it freaks me the hell out.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” She sat still and smiled at me like a kid pretending to be on their best behavior.
“Alright, Twilight, so here is what happened. I was at home and the power went out, but my T.V. was still on, and it was raining outside. Then, I felt something hit me and I woke up in Dash, with Soarin about to kiss me. So, naturally, I punched him in the face and sent him flying.”
“Fascinating,” Twilight said. She was scribbling notes onto a piece of parchment. “Continue.”
Is she taking notes on our right hook?
[She could take notes on watching grass grow. Let’s just get through this, okay?]
“Anyway, I sort of fell out of Dash’s house, Soarin saved me and I told him to leave. Dash helped me find my way to Fluttershy’s, we cuddled and stuff—her fur is really soft—but she wouldn’t let me sleep because I hit my head.”
“When did you hit your head?” Twilight asked.
[Way to go, Twilight. He admits to spooning with our friend and you’re more concerned with your science.]
“I thought this was a dream so I smacked my head on a tree. It’s funny, though, when the crusaders shot me with a trebuchet it caused me and Dash to switch places. The same thing happened when Scootaloo hit us.”
Twilight took a few more notes. “Interesting. So, have you tested the hypothesis that blunt force trauma causes you to switch places?”
“Not yet. I was going to jump off the top of town hall and land on my head to confirm my theory, but I wanted to go to the party first,” I said.
“Well, town hall probably isn’t tall enough. You might want to get a flying start,” Twilight said.
Wow, not the sharpest tool in the shed.
[She’s an egghead, everything she knows she learns in books. Apparently there’s no book on sarcasm.]
“Anyway. . . we just keep switching back and forth randomly. We can’t control it and given the serious risk of injury, I’m in no hurry to see if concussions trigger a swap.”
“Fair enough.”
“Also, I’m worried about how easy it is to read her memories. At first I had to make an effort to read them, but now it’s like I know things she hasn’t thought yet. She even knows stuff about Earth I wasn’t thinking about.”
“That would support one of the theories I have.”
[What theory is that?] I realized I couldn’t speak out loud. [Seriously? Now?]
“Awww yeah!” Dash shouted. She threw a hoof in the air and began to hover above the bed. “It’s about time!”
“Dashie!” Pinkie jumped up and gave her a hug. Somehow Dash was able to continue flying despite the added weight.
“Pinkie? Dash?” Twilight stood there with a confused look on her face. “I thought we were talking to Don.” Pinkie dropped to the ground and took a seat in her chair.
[I was actually taking things seriously for a change. Well, I guess now I can ponder whether or not I’ve finally gone insane in peace and quiet.]
Watch, Dude, I’ve totally got this.
“Okay, so Twilight, he just woke up in me and keeps taking control. He’s sort of a jerk and sometimes it’s funny, but usually it isn’t. I need you to get him out, but you can’t kill him or anything. He wants to like, go home, or maybe you can stick him in somepony else for awhile. I need to go apologize to Soarin. It’s almost ‘that time of the year’ and I really need to have a stallion around for that,” Dash explained.
“Wow, that’s a lot of information to take in,” Twilight said.
[Wait? What’s ‘that time of the year’? Don’t tell me it’s—]
“So, what’s the trick? We grab the Elements of Harmony to fix it? We write to Celestia?” Dash asked.
“I’m not sure those would work yet. I need more evidence. We can try the Elements tomorrow, though for the time being I think it’s best that we keep this to ourselves. Just us, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. If ponies find out one of the Elements has an alien living inside her, it’ll cause panic.”
“Why? It’s not like he’s gonna bring more aliens to live in our brains,” Dash said.
“Maybe, Dash, but you don’t really know him that well. Plus, ponies might think that Chrysalis or some other evil is behind this in an attempt to take over Equestria by disabling the Elements one by one.”
Dash slowly landed on the bed and relaxed. “Well, this isn’t all some ploy by Chrysalis is it? Is he here to kill me?”
[No!]
“I don’t know, Dash. All we know is somepony, a ‘human’, is stuck in your head. I don’t know how he got there, or how to get him out. I don’t even know if he’s damaging your brain.”
“Huh? How could he hurt my brain? He promised not to hit my head on stuff anymore.”
Twilight levitated some of her notes over and began to read from them. “The pony cerebrum is comprised of two halves and six lobes. Now, assuming he is residing equally within each lobe on one side of the—”
Ugh, why do I ask her these things?
[You want me to translate?]
You speak egghead?
[Apparently, more than you. She’s just going over the shape of the brain right now. Twilight thinks that I live in one half of your brain, and you live in the other.]
Wow, that’s so much more simple than the way she puts it.
[Yeah, I get the feeling she doesn’t grasp the concept that not all ponies are child prodigies.]
Exactly! When I ask her to explain something she always acts like she’s reading a dictionary out loud. Now what’s she saying?
[Hmm, something about how our memories are going to turn us into one pony or something? Ask her to repeat that and go slower.]
“Hey, Twi, can you repeat that and use normal words?” Dash asked.
“Oh, okay,” Twilight answered. “Well, one of my theories is that you are each living in half of the brain. The two halves share several synapses—I mean, there are pathways between the two halves. When he ‘reads your mind’ he’s really just accessing your half of the brain. The more memories you two create while sharing the body, the more your brain ‘learns’ to communicate.”
“Isn’t that good?” Dash asked.
[Not so much, I don’t want us to get mixed up.]
“Well, it depends. It’s basically blending you together. I can’t think of any theoretical models where two separate consciousnesses can co-exist inside one brain. It simply doesn’t have enough space to accommodate them. This could lead to. . . detrimental side effects.”
“What kind?”
Twilight gulped and began to shuffle her notes, looking closely at them. She continued to examine them, fidgeting and glancing nervously at Dash every so often.
It’s not like her to be that coy.
[I’m pretty sure we have three options and she’s worried about the last one. First, she finds a way to fix it and is able to isolate me and get me out. If we wait too long, she won’t be able to tell us apart.]
Okay, so what if she doesn’t get you out in time?
[That’s the part that worries her. If she’s right and we can’t both ‘fit’ in here there are only two options. We combine into a ‘new’ pony that’s half of each of us, or. . .]
Or what?
[I’m just guessing but. . . your body rejects one of us. One of us would have to die or be killed to allow the brain to function normally.]
“I’m gonna die!” Dash shouted.
“No!” Twilight barked. “I mean, we can’t know for certain. I’ll find a way to get him out. I don’t know how to stop you two from slowly getting mixed up. All your memories and personalities could merge. You could forget things like flight camp or the Wonderbolt’s Academy as your brain ‘throws away’ memories to make more room for Don.”
“Crap, what about him?”
“I imagine he’s already forgetting things too to try and make room. It’s like trying to fit a hoofball in your mouth. Unless you let some air out it’s just too big.”
[Hey, it’ll be okay. You’re an amazing flier and I don’t want to ruin your life, I just want to get out, okay?]
Thanks.
“Okay,” Dash said. She looked down and fidgeted with her hooves and I could feel how nervous she was. “So, what do you want me to do in the meantime? I mean, you can figure out what’s really gonna happen, right? I don’t like where your theory is headed.”
“Of course. As I learn more about this I can be of more help. I’ll notify Celestia I need time to deal with a personal matter, and make some inquiries to your condition. If I can’t fix this within the week, I’ll have to bring Celestia in to see if she can fix it.”
“Why don’t we just get her right now?” Dash asked.
“First off, she made me a princess, and with that comes more responsibility. I need to fix this. I can’t always run to her to fix everything. Second, we don’t know how she’ll handle it. Who is to say she won’t consider Don a necessary sacrifice to save the Element of Loyalty?
“What? Celestia wouldn’t do that.”
Twilight sighed. “She banished her sister to the moon for a millenia and had us destroy Sombra. When it comes to the safety of her subjects she isn’t afraid to do whatever is necessary.”
“No! Don just got here and he seems super nice!” Pinkie said.
“It’s okay. If I haven’t fixed it in a week I’ll at least know enough to offer other options to Celestia.” Twilight began stacking her notes up on her desk. “Out of respect for you, Dash, and the life of Don, I’m not going to rush blindly into something that could get either of you hurt.”
“But you just said we’re gonna turn into one pony or die, so won’t a week be too long?” Dash asked.
“If—and it’s just a theory, so it is a big ‘if’—the two of you are merging it should take at least a month. So long as your personalities are intact, so long as you can each ‘be yourself’, you’ll be okay. If you find yourself starting to act like Don, or if he starts acting like you, then it’s a sign it’s progressing.”
[I’m smelling a lot of ‘if’ coming off her plan, and I don’t like it.]
“Don’s right. There are way too many ‘if’s in your plans and theories. I’ll keep this whole mess between the six of us Elements, but until we have more to go on I don’t want to hear all these theories,” Dash explained.
“Fair enough. There is no sense in worrying about the ‘what ifs’. Would you like a hoof getting home?” Twilight said.
“Seriously?! What am I, Granny Smith?” Dash crossed her arms and pouted. “I can fly home just fine!”
“Dash, I just meant I could teleport you there if you’d like.”
[Ugh, no way. That teleporting feels so wrong, I don’t want to teleport anymore.]
Oh really?
[. . . Crap.]
“Twilight, actually I’m pretty tired. Will you teleport me home?” Dash asked.
“Of course!” Twilight’s horn began to glow.
[You’re evil, Dash.]
Look who is talking.
I felt the hairs on Dash’s body stand on end and tingle. This teleport seemed more controlled than the last one. I felt Dash being stretched impossibly thin, her entire body draining like liquid through a small hole and reforming on the other side. Her hooves were both on and off the ground, her body existent and nonexistent, for a moment that could have lasted seconds or hours.
We materialized inside Dash’s house and she began to trot towards her bathroom.
[How? Why? Everything I know about physics—which isn’t a lot—says that teleportation isn’t possible!]
Dude, it’s magic.
[That’s like saying the sun just rises ‘by magic’ or that the planet orbits the sun ‘by magic’! There are laws for everything, and even though advanced technology may look like magic to primitive species, it’s still not magic!]
Now you’re messing with me again. Everypony knows Celestia raises the sun, and that the sun orbits Equestria.
[No, that’s not possible. The amount of energy to manipulate the orbit of the sun around a planet is astronomical!]
Dash walked into the bathroom and turned the hot water on in her tub. Between the knobs was a multi-purpose nozzle to fill the bath or serve as a flexible shower head. As it filled up with water she got a towel out.
The sun rises with magic.
[Damn it, Dash, you’ve got to give me more than ‘magic’!]
Well, I’m not a unicorn so I don’t know much about magic. Maybe you want to talk about Pinkie Sense instead?
[Fine, I’ll shut up.]
That’s the first kind thing you’ve done for me since you got here.
Dash put her hooves into the hot water and then leaned back, letting herself slide onto her wings. She lay belly up in the tub, half-floating, as the hot water soothed her muscles.
She reached for the water to turn it off, and instead knocked the shower head into the water. It was one of those flexible hoses with a shower head on the end, which made sense to help a pony clean their hard to reach areas. In fact, given their shape, I imagine all of their areas are hard to reach.
The shower head landed in the water with a splash and came to rest between Dash’s flanks. It was still turned on and I heard her moan briefly before she kicked the shower head away, embarrassed.
[Did. . . did you just got aroused?!]
Shut up! This isn’t a conversation we’re having. I have needs, but not with some horny human sitting in my head!
“Come on, I haven’t been that bad, have I?” I asked. I glanced around in disbelief, as if I hadn’t just gotten control of her body back.
[This. This right here is the worst part of our situation. I can’t even take a bath without getting zapped back into the corners of my mind.]
“Ah, it feels good to talk out loud, doesn’t it Dash?” I laughed softly and felt around for the shower head with a hoof. “Look, maybe tomorrow you’ll be in control more? I mean, the more I’m in control the more exhausted I feel. Maybe that means I’ll spend more time in the back seat?”
[That’d be nice, because right now you seem to be hogging my body.]
“Yeah, and your body is so. . . tense, isn’t it?”
I smiled and my thoughts went to a dark place—not serial killer kind of dark, but more of a ‘what if I had lady parts’ place. The place all men go to when they wonder, however briefly, what it would be like for a woman.
Of course, Dash read these thoughts and knew what me and the shower head were planning long before it happened.
[Oh no, you don’t! That’s supposed to be private!]
“Don’t worry, Dash, I won’t tell if you won’t. Besides, I think you need some release.”
I woke up late in the morning again. A fringe benefit of inhabiting another pony’s brain was getting to sleep in while they got ready. By the time I came to, Dash was trotting through her house towards the bathroom.
[Hey.]
Morning, Dude! Isn’t this day off to a great start?
[I uh. . . what do you mean?]
Dash was acting odd, and I knew why. I just couldn’t figure out how my fun times in the bath tub with my female equine body translated to her cheery disposition.
Oh, just that I’ve got big plans today, and I’m so grateful to be back in control of my body to attend to some. . . personal needs.
[Okay, now you’re really worrying me. Is this about the bath tub?]
Don’t be ridiculous! It’s perfectly natural to wake up in an alien body of another species of a different gender and ignore the owner’s request not to stimulate her while in control of it.
She trotted into the bathroom and began to dig through the drawers looking for something.
[Shit, I’m sorry, it was just too much. . . I mean, maybe I was just reading your thoughts again!]
Nice try, Dude. I enjoy a good romp as much as anypony else, but I wouldn’t do it with another pony’s body. What you did was supposed to be private and intimate, not some freak show.
[Sorry, I thought you were okay with it; we were the only ones there. Didn’t you enjoy it?]
You’re right. I did enjoy it, despite your audacity, and that’s why I’m not mad.
[Wait, you’re not mad? Then what’s this really about?]
Oh, just that since you’re so comfortable in my body, now I can teach you about feminine hygiene.
That last statement had me worried, but not nearly as much as knowing I would be powerless to do anything but watch—and feel—whatever devious things were involved in feminine hygiene.
[Please tell me we’re talking about a normal bath, and not—]
Yep! Usually around this time every year mares become receptive to fertilization, beginning a cycle of estrus also known as heat.
[Oh god, you can stop! I know all about that!]
Maybe you know about the human reproductive cycle, but when you’re in control of my body, walking down the street winking—
[Why would I wink at stallions? I don’t want anything to do with them!]
Not that kind of winking. This is stuff you need to know!
[. . . Please stop. Please! What do I have to do?]
Shut up and let me put this damn tampon in.
I shuddered, or at least it felt like it, as I watched her pull a white object out of a wrapper. It was slender, long, and had small flowers printed on it as if that somehow made what was about to happen any better.
So, during her cycle a mare goes through several stages, some of them involving the shedding of. . . excess materials. Thus, from now on you’ll be keeping one of these in and changing it when it’s ‘full’ or every eight hours.
[I just. . . No! No man should have to do that!]
You’re not a man, you’re a guest in my body. A body which, need I remind you, you have been randomly taking over and calling your body! It’s so annoying when you go ‘me, mine, I, my,’ in my body. At best it’s our body.
[Okay, so I’ve gotten on your nerves calling it my body, and the bath tub thing was too far and kind of perverted, but this?!]
This is a perfectly normal part of being a mare. If I were you, I’d get used to it. For all we know, they’ll pull you out of me and turn you into a mare. A very horny and ugly one, if I have anything to say about it.
[Ouch, now you’re just being spiteful. They’ll find a way to send me home.]
Perhaps. Now, eyes front and center.
Dash had positioned herself in front of a mirror and put herself on full display to me. From this angle, without the excitement and hormones from the bath last night, it was not as enjoyable to stare at.
You just insert the tampon like this—
[Stop! That feels so strange!]
What? It’s not even halfway in. Grow some balls.
[Did. . . did you just. . . I’m so confused!]
Welcome to the club, buddy. Now a little further—
[LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, this isn’t happening! LA LA LA LA LA!]
—and pull the applicator back out.
I watched what was my first, and hopefully last, lesson in feminine hygiene in abject horror. Reading something in a textbook in school, and seeing it done to oneself, were very different. It all felt so foreign, and already I knew it would be like the itchy back you always get after a haircut. Now that the infernal contraption was in there, I knew it would be bugging me all day long.
[It’s so annoying.]
Good, I hope it does bug you all day long, Donny-boy.
[Great, more nicknames. Why not call me Susie or Mary?]
Eh, not as fun, Dude.
[Are we done here yet? And how the heck are you gonna get that thing back out?]
Easy, there’s this string to pull it out.
She demonstrated what she meant and I regretted it. This was a far cry from bath tub hijinks, at least in my mind. On the other hand, I sort of deserved a little payback for what I did.
Well, that’s all taken care of. What do you say we go get some breakfast?
[Do they serve bacon and eggs? Maybe some sausage gravy and biscuits?]
I’m going to assume you mean meat, in which case no. Some ponies eat fish, but I'm not in the mood for that right now.
[Do they serve any meat in this town?]
I think one restaurant near the hotel caters to Griffin visitors, but you are not, and I repeat not going to eat meat in my body. Understood?
[Whether or not I eat meat depends on whether or not you stick more things up my—I mean your privates!]
Ugh! You’re such a pervert. Just shut up and maybe I’ll go easy on you later.
[What’s later?]
Do you really want to know?
I pondered it for a moment and decided maybe a little peace and quiet would help us co-exist a little longer. After all, Twilight said we should try to stay separate, or hang on to our personalities, or something. I thought I was paying attention, but that egghead said a lot of stuff that sailed right past me.
Probably shouldn’t be reading my memories, Twilight sai—
[Yeah! I know what she said, I was just having trouble remembering it.]
She said to stop being a jerk. It was kinda nice of you to translate most of the gibberish for me. I swear, every time she starts to lecture us it’s Greek to me.
[That was you, not Twilight, that told me not to be a jerk.]
I continued to poke around in her brain discretely. The sensation of digging through memories was more like swimming than looking for files and folders. When I focused on it, her mind became a three dimensional space.
Inside this space was a labyrinth of interconnected thoughts and feelings. My ‘essence’, for lack of a better term, seemed to float in one corner of her mind, farthest from Dash’s ‘essence’. Near me were all my memories, connected to me, and they were easy to recall.
Farther away, I could ‘push’ myself through the invisible waters of her mind, reaching out to her recollections. Each time I did, pathways would form, connecting me to the memory I was seeking.
It was odd to be able to visualize something modern science had decided was almost unknowable. The human brain was still a mystery for all our advanced technology. Yet here inside of Dash, I was almost able to see her thoughts, recall events long past, and even witness instructions her brain was sending to her muscles.
Don?
The more I focused on it, the more I drifted away from the outside world. The vast webwork grew more clear the harder I focused on it. Hazy memories began to resurface. The smell of lilacs was connected to a beautiful spring day and a picnic with Fluttershy. The smell of ozone lead to a memory of an oncoming rainstorm.
Don!
I felt as if I was letting go, drifting toward the pleasant memories on Dash’s side of the network. The more I could see, the less I wanted to be stuck alone in my little corner of her world.
DON!
The web of memories vanished as I felt something hit the side of Dash’s head. After a moment I realized it had been her hoof, and recalled she had been trying to talk to me.
[Huh?]
Don, what the hell was that?
[What was what?]
You totally vanished on me! One second I could feel you, and the next you were just slipping away!
[I was just reading some of your memories.]
Well, don’t do it again, okay? You had me worried. For a second there I thought something horrible had happened, just like Twilight said!
[I’m sorry. . . I didn’t realize what was happening. Now that I know, I won’t do it again, okay? And next time I’m in control, if you see a labyrinth of memories, almost like a spider web, don’t explore it.]
Thanks for the heads up. Now, do you think you can not scare me like that while I finish breakfast?
[Breakfast? We haven’t left the house yet.]
Its been like half an hour. Just took me a moment to realize you’d slipped off to Narnia.
[That’s a human reference.]
Yeah? Well, you poking around is probably why I keep thinking of human stuff. Can we talk about something else? I hate worrying about things I can’t control.
[That’s a pretty wise statement coming from you. . . I mean, you’re wiser than you look. . . Wait, that didn’t come out right.]
Dash began to laugh and drew the attention of a few other patrons at the salad bar. Half a dozen tables sat outside in the sun, and a full plate of leafy greens sat in front of us.
You’re almost cute when you’re trying not to be an ass.
[Thanks, I think. . . So, please tell me that salad isn’t the main course. You guys at least have fruit? Pizza? Pasta? Something that’s not meat and not vegetables?]
Duh, but that’s a lot of carbs and I haven’t been doing my hourly morning workouts since you moved into my head, so we’re sticking to salad for now.
[Ugh, I hate vegetables.]
Oh, do you?
[Crap, I mean, I love them! I just love meat more.]
“Waiter!” Dash raised a hoof and beckoned him over. “This salad is delicious, could you get another ready? I’m still pretty hungry and this one is nearly done.”
“Of course, Miss.” The waiter left to get another salad.
“Yes, delicious indeed.” Dash smiled at Lyra, who was still giving her an odd look at her behavior. She then grasped a fork in her hoof using a technique I still didn’t quite understand, and took a large bite.
Leafy spinach and crunchy lettuce filled Dash’s mouth. She began to chomp on the vegetables.
Much to my dismay, they weren’t as horrific as I remembered. They almost—and I stress ‘almost’—tasted edible. There was a sweetness to them, perhaps the dressing, and they were so moist and fresh. The taste of the onion wasn’t offensive, nor did the garlic in the dressing make me want to cringe. Even the tomato seemed to perfectly compliment the other flavors when it burst open.
I thought you said you hated salad.
[I do, but this tastes different. On Earth, salad tastes like crap.]
Hmmph. Well, it’s not nearly as fun tormenting you if you enjoy it.
[Speak for yourself. I bet you twenty bucks a steak still tastes ten times better then these magic salads.]
Hah! I thought you hated when I explain stuff as ‘magic’. And now, this salad must be magic because you like the taste!
[That’s not what I mean! You just have different taste buds or something. I suppose that’s for the best, as all that salad and exercise has really toned your flanks.]
I felt Dash blush, and then take a large bite of salad to try and hide this fact from me. After a moment of chewing, she took a sip of water.
You. . . did you just compliment me? You find me attractive?
[Is that bad now?]
Why do you even like ponies? What happened to liking humans? Are the women that ugly on your planet?
[I don’t know. I like some humans, and the women are that ugly where I come from. I didn’t get out much. As for liking ponies, I don’t know. Part of me knows it isn’t natural, but another part, maybe it’s you, doesn’t find a problem with it.]
Yeah, well do me a favor and try to like ponies less. I don’t want you getting tempted to smack some poor mare’s flank as she walks by us.
[Deal. And, uh. . . he’s back with your salad. Are you gonna finish it?]
Dash smiled and thanked the waiter before picking at the second salad. I noticed it came with sliced eggs and croutons among the many vegetables. This time I paid more attention to which vegetables she was eating. I tried hard to remember how they tasted on Earth, and how they tasted here. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t quite recall how any of them had tasted.
As we sat and enjoyed the meal, I heard a pony walk up alongside us. “Dash, how wonderful to run into you!” Rarity said.
By the time Dash had turned to face her, I’d already picked up several memories about her. I tried to turn off my connection to her, but it was easier said than done. Memories of Gala dresses, Diamond Dogs, and the town drama queen flooded into my mind.
“Hey, Rare, what’s up?” Dash said.
“Oh, I’ve been looking all over for you. I have that. . .” Rarity glanced around and lowered her voice. “Special outfit you asked for.”
Dash almost choked on a bit of lettuce she had been chewing and started to blush. “I, uh—later! I’ll come by later and pick it up. Much later.”
“Come on, Dash, I haven’t even tailored it yet! We simply must get it ready in time,” Rarity whined.
[Not now! Didn’t Twilight talk to you?]
I chuckled as Dash spoke in my mind, and I felt myself moving her forelegs. I looked down at the salad, tossing one of the tomatoes in my mouth before pushing it away. “Okay, let’s go, Rarity.”
She smiled and levitated a few bits onto the table. “Marvelous, follow me.”
[No, Dude, don’t go with her! It’s not that kind of dress, and she takes forever to tailor stuff! Plus, she talks too much!]
A woman who talks too much? Preposterous!
[I’m serious, please. . . It’s private, just don’t follow her in. For me?]
Bah, where’s the fun in that? I didn’t want a tampon but I got one. Let’s go see what she made you.
[Ugh, fine. Mark my words, you’ll regret this. . . and not because of me. Oh no, what Rarity has in store is far worse than anything I could do.]
I laughed out loud at her threat and noticed Rarity looking at me with an eyebrow raised. “Oh, it was nothing, Rarity. Just a little joke from earlier. Say, have you seen Twilight?”
“Oh, not since before the party yesterday. Why, did you two have plans?”
Looks like somepony doesn’t know I’m a human yet.
“No, just curious. Say, have you been working out? Your flanks are so well-defined and white.”
Rarity blushed and bumped into me. “Hush, Dash, not in public. You always did love to tease everypony in town. At least now that you’re dating Soarin the rumors will die down a little.”
I followed Rarity into a building which I assumed was her store. As the door closed behind me, I noticed dresses and suits everywhere. Mannequins lined the inside of the windows and displayed her finest fashions, and in the corner she had a setup with mirrors I assumed was where she did her tailoring.
[And now you’re screwed.]
Huh? I thought I came here to embarrass you.
[There’s one thing you need to know about Rarity, one thing above all others if you value your masculinity or coolness: she makes the girliest outfits in Equestria.]
I chuckled as I followed Rarity over to the corner and stepped onto a small platform in front of the mirrors. “Okay, so what kind of frilly dress are you fitting Dash for today?” I said.
Rarity gave me a puzzled look with her head tilted. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just uh. . . nervous?”
“Well don’t be, darling, Soarin will absolutely love your outfit.”
“Wait, Soarin?!” I took a step back from her, bumping into one of the mirrors.
[Ahahahahah!]
As Dash continued to laugh, Rarity levitated a mannequin out containing the clothing in question. “Yes, it’s right here. You requested it when you started dating him.”
“Oh no, there’s been a misunderstanding! I left my oven on!” I muttered. “Someone has to feed Tank!”
Rarity set the mannequin down, but her horn continued to glow. I started to creep away from the tailoring booth she had set up. “Dash, I know how. . . uncomfortable you are being girly. Trust me, this is an outfit Soarin will absolutely die for.”
“Yep, but I changed my mind. We’ll work on this tomorrow!”
Rarity grinned mischievously, her eyes narrowing. “You did give me specific instructions to make sure you didn’t get cold hooves. After all, any stallion with a nose will be smelling that odor you’re putting off. You’ve gone into estrus, haven’t you darling?”
The shutters around the building began to close and I heard what could have been the door locking. I was starting to panic, and all because of that damn sexy outfit sitting in front of me.
[Haha, she’s right! Normally I’d be pretty embarrassed by this, but you’re even worse!]
“And the best cure for that itch is a nice set of lingerie and a handsome stallion,” Rarity chuckled and brushed her tail across Dash’s flank.
She’s a bit lacking in subtlety.
As Dash laughed at me—partly for ignoring her warning, and partly for what came next—I realized how red my cheeks had turned. They were burning from my blushing, and when I looked in the mirror they nearly matched the streaks of red in my hair.
“Dash, you’ve made your bed and you’ll have to lie in it,” Rarity said. She then chuckled, realizing her own play on words.
“So. . . what happens now?” I asked, continuing to back away until I bumped into the wall. I slid down onto my plot and leaned back. “Because I’m not liking where this is going.”
Rarity looked down at me and frowned. “You’re acting like a foal. Now get up and put on the maid’s outfit or I’ll do it for you.”
I shook my head and crossed my legs. “No.”
Rarity sighed. “This is for your own good. You wanted my advice on dating, and when Soarin mounts you, you’ll thank me.”
Oh god, please don’t let that happen.
[Haha, your attitude had better improve or I just might!]
Please, don’t joke like that! I’ll tell everypony about what you and that colt in flight camp did behin—
[Get outta my memories, dammit!]
I felt my hooves leave the ground and began kicking my legs around. Rarity had levitated me in her magic and set me down on the pedestal in front of the mirrors. I felt something at my hooves and looked down. She had actually tied a bolt of fabric around my back hooves to keep me from running.
“What kind of tailor shop are you running here?!” I shouted.
“Now, Dash, a lady does not raise her voice. Do I need to give you another lesson on your manners around stallions while I measure you for this outfit?”
[Yeah, Dude, make a smart ass remark. I dare you! Let her lecture you for an hour on manners!]
Quit being so cocky, you’re stuck here too!
[Yeah, but it’s a lot funnier from where I’m sitting.]
I sighed in defeat and lowered my head. “Okay, go ahead.”
“Now, since you’re being difficult I’ll have to dress you like a foal,” Rarity explained.
“But I’m not—”
“Uh uh, Dash. Give me your right leg.”
Rarity had levitated the maid outfit in front of me. My right foreleg was first to slide into its sleeve, and the left foreleg soon followed. Finally, she pulled it up over my head and down my neck. After only a couple moments, I was wearing a black silk dress.
The maid’s outfit covered my forelegs down to their first joint, likely the equivalent of an elbow. The tight, black silk ended in a frilly white lace. Already I had vowed never to set foot in this den of horrors again.
Rarity nudged my wings through the openings in the back and I felt a long string being drawn taut. It caused the dress to tighten up and cling to my ribs, causing the whole outfit to become form fitting. The dress ended just in front of Dash’s cutie mark, and I could feel it cling tightly to my flanks.
I shuddered. You enjoying this?
[Eh, I’ve been through worse. Your reactions are priceless though!]
And you look like a young mare from an adult film about to have sex with the pizza delivery pony.
[What?! I’d never! You take that back!]
Make me, sissy girl!
[Shut up! And to think I was considering being nice to you!]
If this is your idea of being nice, I think I’d prefer mean.
Bringing my attention back to Rarity, I realized something fuzzy was clinging to my hooves. At some point she had fit small silk socks to them which were a matching shade of black with small white flowers and vines near the top of them.
Rarity deserved credit for being skilled at her craft. She was levitating tape measurers, pins, needles, thread, and scissors around me all at the same time. I almost wished I hadn’t looked, because there were at least a dozen sharp objects in play at any given moment adjusting my dress. Just one wrong move, one attempt at escape, and she could cut me with any number of them.
I was trapped, so I let her continue her work. A low growl was the only protest I gave when she fastened a bonnet around my head. She adjusted it, did the buttons on my chest, and finally took a step back.
“Are we done here?” I asked, tapping a foot on the floor impatiently. “Seriously, Dash, I can’t believe you tricked me into coming here just to see me in a maid’s outfit.”
[Dude, you said that out loud.]
Rarity looked baffled as I spoke to myself. “Dash, whatever do you mean? You’ve been acting odd and talking to yourself.”
“Of course!” I complained. “You haven’t seen Twilight yet, so she hasn’t told you I’m not Dash! I’m a human, and Dash is stuck in here with me. She’s getting quite a kick out of it, too.”
Rarity shook her head and, surprisingly, loosened the cloth from my hind legs. “There’s only a couple more touches and you can go, there’s no need for pranks or lies. Besides, I know it’s you, Dash. You’re acting exactly like you always do when I need to fit you for a dress. You’re lucky I haven’t replaced that bolt of fabric with hoofcuffs to keep you still.”
“Great, so you and Twilight both own BDSM toys.” My words caused her to blush and look away.
[Oh no, Rarity, he doesn’t know yet!]
Rarity returned her gaze to me. “Is. . . her dungeon as good as mine?”
“What?! I was kidding! She kidnapped me and strapped me to this wooden board and had manacles and chains and everything! It was horrifying!”
Rarity moaned softly, and levitated out a pair of lace panties.
“What is wrong with you ponies?!” I shouted.
“Huh?” Rarity looked at me and at the panties. “Oh, this is the last part of your outfit. Are you going to put them on like a good filly, or am I going to have to punish you after this?”
“I just—you—Dash! It’s your turn, I don’t wanna play anymore,” I exclaimed. My pleas went unanswered as I stayed in full control of her body.
As Rarity closed in with the underwear I sighed and lifted my legs up one at a time. I felt them slide up my flanks and snugly attach to my female anatomy. My tail was pulled through a hole in the lingerie designed to keep them tightly in place.
Dash, of course, was laughing uncontrollably in my mind again. That must have been quite the freak show for her, knowing it was really a man being dressed up in a French maid’s outfit.
Your friends are all crazy. Seriously, the only normal one was Fluttershy and maybe Applejack, and if either of them have a dungeon I swear I’m flying straight to the moon and never coming back.
“You look lovely, Dash! Would you like to see it with a little makeup?”
I turned to face the mirrors and looked at myself. My jaw fell open as I took in the sight before me. It made no sense to wear socks, yet there they were on my—on Dash’s hooves. The more I thought of this as my body, the more my mind found ponies attractive. What my human self saw as slightly bizarre, the growing equine side of me saw as oddly erotic. The way they clung to my calves and softened my hoofsteps was incredible.
[Quit checking me out, you perv!]
But I—look at you! That maid’s outfit is incredible. It’s like a second skin, I can see every curve—
[PERVERT! That’s my body you’re ogling at. Show a little class!]
What, like you’re not enjoying the view? Go ahead and admit it: you’re hot.
[That’s not the point! Of course I look hot. I’ve got the best ass and flanks in Equestria! I can fly further and buck harder than any mare! Oh Celestia, now you’re making me get turned on!]
Hey, if I can’t find it sexy, then at least you can.
[Well you were Mr. Worried about our memories getting mixed up, and now you think it’s funny that you find ponies sexy!]
Actually, I find it sexy that they’re sexy.
Our argument was interrupted by the door to the shop clicking, then opening up. A small bell rang as a guest let themselves in, uninvited. Rarity quickly pulled the curtain in front of me and went to get the door.
“We’re closed!” Rarity shouted as she walked over.
“Rarity? I was looking for Dash, and Pinkie said she was here,” Twilight said.
She’s like a bloodhound.
[That’s Pinkie Pie.]
“She’s not here, and I have a customer here for an order of my evening wear. You will leave now and let my client have her privacy,” Rarity explained.
“Oh, but I could have sworn I saw Dash go in here,” Pinkie said. “And I can see hooves under that curtain!”
[Wait, that is Twilight and Pinkie?! Oh no, please don’t let them see me like this!]
What’s in it for me?
Rarity cleared her throat. “Please, come back later? If I see Dash, I’ll send her your way.”
“There’s something else, Rarity. Dash is having some problems right now,” Twilight explained. “She’s been possessed by some sort of alien, but it was some kind of accident.”
[One, I’d never live it down if they see me in lingerie! Everypony would think I’m some frou-frou schoolmare with a crush on Soarin. And two, they’ll know it’s really you dressing up like a French maid and I’ll tell them it’s all your idea!]
Not a very good plan, but I sort of deserved this mess for not listening to you. I’ll keep quiet, but we’re getting out of here after that and taking this ridiculous fantasy-wear off.
[Deal!]
The bell sounded as the door closed. Then the curtain swung open and I did my best to hide behind a nearby mannequin.
“So, Don, Twilight just explained you and Dash’s situation to me.” Rarity stood there frowning, but at least she was alone. Twilight and Pinkie had left.
“Heh, yeah, about that. . .” I fidgeted around in the silky dress, which was distracting me from rational thought. It was just too much to take in at once, and now I had an angry fashionista to deal with.
“I had no idea a male would find wearing a maid’s outfit so erotic. I suggest that the things we discussed here today remain private, or every single pony will know about this little stunt you and Dash pulled.”
[Hey, none of this was my idea!]
“Yeah, Rarity, Dash actually warned me not to come here. She knew it was for this. . .” I waved a hoof up and down the outfit, “ridiculous getup.”
“Ridic—ridiculous?!” Rarity huffed in anger and stomped a foot. “I’ve never been so insulted!”
“Whoa, back up! It’s actually really sexy and, uh. . . awesome! Yeah, we really like it, and I’d totally go have tons of sex in it but Dash won’t let me! I mean, I don’t want to!”
[Where’s a speeding train when you need something to jump in front of. . .]
Crap, what do we do? What do I say?!
“I’m onto you now, Don. You go running around laughing and modeling lingerie as poor Dash is stuck watching. Now, out with you! Don’t come back unless Dash is in control!”
Rarity began pulling the dress off me with her magic, somehow getting it all off of me without damaging it or knocking me off balance. She then used a bolt of fabric to smack my flank and chase me out of her store.
I stumbled out into the bright sunlight and looked around. Several ponies saw me exit the shop in a hurry and began to whisper to each other.
Well, that could have gone better.
[Yeah, but it could have gone much worse. Come on, I bet Twilight had something important to tell us.]
It better be good news or I’m going to punch somepony! I mean someone! Dammit!
Dash chuckled and I headed down the road towards Twilight’s house. I looked up at the sun and sighed. I still had a long day ahead of me.
The day had gotten off to an interesting start, but now I just wanted to see what Twilight wanted and then go to bed. Granted, it was only the afternoon, but I was thinking that perhaps Dash would get control back. The whole ordeal with Rarity had been exhausting and part of me actually missed getting to take the backseat. It was nice to relax while Dash did the tedious things like walk from place to place.
I fidgeted as I walked down the road and tried to keep my tail from flicking around. I tried to focus on the awkwardness of my wings, legs, and tail. They weren’t human, like I was, and focusing on what I used to be brought me some comfort. As long as I could remember what I was, I hoped I wouldn’t lose my identity to Dash.
The sun was beating down on me and it was humid again. I found shade next to a nearby building to relax in.
Hey, Dash, if you control the weather, why is it so damn hot?
[Celestia has pulled the sun in closer for summer. I could schedule an extra rainstorm or two.]
Or at least some clouds?
[Clouds take condensed moisture, Dude.]
Isn’t there enough of that in the air right now? I mean, how is it even humid? There’s no lakes or swamps or anything near here.
[Well, there’s Froggy Bottom Bog. Most of our humidity comes from the Everfree. We can’t control the weather out there.]
Let me guess: magic.
[Yeah, smartass, magic. It has nothing to do with our inability to predict the high and low pressure zones, the unusual atmospheric currents, or the fact no Pegasi patrol it.]
Sorry, I just don’t like the heat.
[Yeah, well I’m just getting a little grumpy because of my—]
So help me if you bring up estrus again.
“Hey, Dash! Is it time for my flying lesson?” Scootaloo asked.
“Huh?” I asked.
“I saw you leaning against my house and thought you must have come to teach me to fly!”
[Rub her hair and call her Squirt, then tell her you’re busy. It works every time.]
What do you mean, every time? I thought you really liked her.
[Yeah, but I’m a busy mare: weather team, Wonderbolts practice, alien possession. I’ll teach her to fly later.]
I think we’ll teach her to fly now.
[Look, I appreciate the sentiment, but you can’t fly.]
Excuse me? I fly just fine, because I can take your memories of flying and you can’t stop me! Hah!
[Fine, go ahead and teach Scootaloo to fly. I’m gonna focus on not letting you read my mind, and Scootaloo is gonna think you’re really weird.]
“Dash? Do you need a drink or somethin’?” Scootaloo asked.
I realized I’d been staring at her blankly for some time now. “Yeah, I’m feeling pretty tired.”
“I’m on it!” Scootaloo ran inside to get me something to drink.
Look, she’s a nice kid and we shouldn’t let a little bickering ruin her day. Let’s just teach her a little something and be on our way.
[Yeah. . . you’re right.]
Scootaloo came back outside holding a cup in her mouth. The wide brim allowed a pony to carry it in their teeth and drink it without hooves. She just stood there until I realized I was supposed to bite it and take it from her.
Once I had the cup in my teeth, I tilted my head back and drank the water inside.
“Say, Dash, I can talk to you about anything, right?” Scootaloo asked.
“Of course, I’m like your big sister after all,” I replied.
She looked at the ground and poked a hoof into it. “I uh. . . Sweetie and Apple Bloom and I were doin’ some recon cutie marks, and we sorta heard their sisters talking. I mean. . . you’ve been acting a little strange but it’s not like we were spying on purpose!”
“It’s okay, what is it?” I asked.
I hope you got a good answer for this.
“Are. . . are you really an alien?” Scootaloo asked.
[Poor filly, she is worried I’ve turned into some kind of monster.]
I chuckled and then rubbed a hoof in her mane. “Look, if it makes you feel better I’m not an alien. Can you keep a secret about official Elements of Harmony business?”
Scootaloo smiled and began to move her hoof through the air. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
[Wait, you can’t just tell her about the whole human thing. She won’t know what to do with it.]
Relax, I know what I’m doing. . . I think.
“So, a couple days ago a human got transported to Equestria by magic. Somehow I wound up in Dash’s head, so now it’s like having two ponies in the same body. We’re gonna find out how to make it better and fix it.”
“So Dash is going to be okay?” she asked.
Her eyes were starting to get misty and I nearly broke down from the sight. “Of course Dash is okay, Scootaloo. She’s right here and we switch places every so often. Dash was telling me how much she cares for you, and was even gonna help me teach you about flying because she’s so sad about not having gotten to spend more time with you.”
I lifted her chin up with a hoof and smiled at her. “Thanks, Dash. . . I mean, do you have a name too?”
“Yeah, it’s Don. Just remember this is top secret!” I added.
“Yes sir!” Scootaloo saluted me with her hoof. “So, you’ll really give me a quick flying lesson before you leave to fix things?”
“Yeah, so first, uh. . . show me how you flap your wings.”
[Real smooth. You sure you don’t want to wait until I’m back in control? I can’t picture you teaching her how to fly.]
Did you see those puppy eyes? She could mind control a robot with them.
Scootaloo began buzzing her wings in the air like a hummingbird.
[She has to slow down and control the movements. Spread the wings and take long, gentle flaps.]
“Dash says to slow down and control your wings, spread them out and be gentle. Like this.” I spread my wings out and lifted off the ground slowly, letting her watch my wings. I continued at a slower pace. “Now you try.”
Scootaloo nodded and began flapping again. She was able to slow down and get a few inches off the ground. Unfortunately, her wings would start to twitch and then buzz again. She landed on the ground and then tried again.
[She’s picked up some bad habits from that scooter.]
“That’s how you ride your scooter, right? Flying is different; it has to be precise.”
“Wow, you’re pretty smart for an alien,” Scootaloo observed.
“Thanks. Hmm, you know I’ve seen people go hang gliding, so why don’t we just teach you to glide first?”
Scootaloo bit her lip nervously for a second. When she saw me watching her, she grinned and narrowed her eyes in determination. She was adorable trying to convince me of her bravery. “Let’s do it!”
[Dude, she could get hurt.]
Most birds teach their young ones to fly by shoving them out of the nest.
[That’s awful!]
What, like no Pegasus has ever pushed their kid off a cloud to teach them to fly?
[Well, yeah, but we have another pony ready to catch them.]
You say potato, I say potato.
[What? That saying makes no sense!]
Yeah, I guess it makes more sense to say it than think it.
“I’ve got to go soon so climb on my back.” Scootaloo waited for me to land and climbed on, digging her forelegs into my mane to get a grip. I then flew up to her roof and landed awkwardly on the slanted shingles. “Okay, climb down carefully.”
Scootaloo got off and stood at the edge of the roof. “Usually when I mess up a jump on my scooter, I can’t fly for more than a second or two before I crash.”
“Well, you’re in luck. Instead of flying, you’ll just hold your wings out like this, parallel to the ground.” I spread my wings and looked at them, noticing for the first time the wingspan. My primaries stretched out four or so feet, or the same distance from my nose to my tail.
Scootaloo mimicked me and spread her wings out. They were clearly smaller, only about half the length of her body.
Is that normal?
[Yeah, Pegasi hit puberty and their growth spurt at different ages. Their wings remain small until they do, though for most Pegasi that isn’t a problem. Some can fly at birth, and others can’t. Many Pegasi who live on the ground aren’t used to flying and learn bad habits that make it harder to learn proper technique.]
That’s horrible! So Scootaloo has small wings and picked up bad habits on the ground. . . When this whole mess is sorted out, promise me you’ll spend more time with her.
[Of course I will! I really like her, I just get really busy sometimes. . .]
Well, as long as I’m here you’re not gonna be too busy.
“Alright, Scootaloo, now watch me.” I jumped off the roof and held my wings rigid, not moving them, as I glided down to the ground. Once my hooves were on land, I folded my wings in. “Now, you try!”
Scootaloo put the tips of her hooves on the edge of the roof and looked down, gulping. She took one look at me and instantly regained her confidence, smirking at me. “I can do this!”
She leapt off the edge of the roof with her wings held out level. After gliding a few feet forward, she looked back down. Scootaloo began to kick her hooves, and soon resumed her familiar buzzing. The wind stopped flowing over her wings, and she lost altitude quickly.
I leapt forward but she was just out of reach, landing on her head as she curled up at the last second.
“Scootaloo! Are you okay?”
She coughed and then stood up, shaking some dust off. “Y-yeah, of c-course.”
“You were doing really good, you just have to keep your wings open. Remember, this isn’t your scooter. Come on let’s try again!”
“Are you sure? I think I hurt my knee and I can’t do it anyway. . .” Scootaloo looked down and sighed.
“Hey!” I grabbed her shoulders and knelt down, looking her in the eyes. “I’m the best flyer in Equestria, and I can see you’ve got talent. I never quit, and neither will you. We’re going to go back up on that roof, and you’re going to glide. Then you’re going to go show all your friends!”
Scootaloo’s eyes lit up and her wings buzzed as she leapt in the air. “Yeah! Let’s do it, Dash!”
She climbed onto my back and I carried us back to the roof. This time when I glided to the ground I went further away, and shouted back to her, “Alright, I wanna see your best performance! Wings out straight! No moving them! Legs tucked in when you jump!”
Scootaloo spread her legs, taking a wide stance and lowering her body. Once she had coiled her muscles, she jumped off the roof. Scootaloo spread her wings and looked me in the eyes, not glancing down at the ground once.
She had made it halfway, and soon skid to an awkward halt next to me. “I did it!”
Scootaloo had latched onto my neck before I could turn to face her, and the momentum knocked me on my side. She was hugging me and I felt her damp cheek against my throat.
“You okay, Squirt?” I asked
“Y-yeah. Thanks, D-dash, I f-finally did it!”
I felt my heart melting, forgetting about my horrible circumstances. Sitting up I pulled her in with my forelegs and wrapped my wings around her. “Yes you did, Scootaloo. All me and Dash did was believe in you. Now, you should go clean up before you show all your friends how awesome you are, okay?”
Scootaloo tilted her head back to look up at me, and gave me one last hug. “Okay. Will you stop by again Dash. . . and Don?”
“Of course. Now run along, Twilight wanted to see me.”
I watched as Scootaloo ran inside the house, shouting for her mother.
[Wow. . . Dude, that was really nice. I didn’t know you had a setting other than ‘jerk’.]
I get that way around kids sometimes, I think. . . I can’t really remember. It just feels so good to be around such a happy little filly.
[You have fillies of your own, or family?]
I don’t have kids, and I have. . . Well, that’s odd.
[What?]
It seems like I did have some family, but I can’t recall. I mean, I had to come from somewhere, right? Would I really forget my own parents?
[Oh. . . Well, uh, don’t worry about it, okay? I’m sure it’ll come back to you.]
Yeah, not much choice there. Say, why hasn’t Scootaloo’s family taught her to fly?
[She was adopted and only her father is a Pegasus. He works in Cloudsdale at the weather factory. Her mom is an Earth pony that sells roses here in Ponyville. I guess her dad just doesn't have time, thus leaving Scootaloo to live here with her mom.]
That’s awful. I just assumed ponies were. . . different. No adoptions or anything. You all seem so happy and perfect, aside from us body-snatching humans.
[I dunno, I guess we have more in common than you think. Come on, let’s go see what Twilight wanted. It’s to your left.]
I yawned and started to walk towards the library.
[Your other left.]
Oh.
I turned around and headed in the other direction. I could see the library in the distance, so it wasn’t far. The sun had moved a little in the sky, yet it was still sweltering hot.
I hope we can add sleepiness next to blunt force trauma on things that make us switch. I could really use a nap right now, but it’s hard to take one while walking.
[Hey, that’s fine with me. Just wait for me to get control back before you pass out in the middle of the street.]
No promises, but I’ll try and find a nice shady cloud to sleep on.
Spike opened the door and looked at me with wide eyes, surprised by my sudden appearance. I looked around, wondering if I had something in my mane. All that I had done was walk towards the door of the library.
“Twilight!” Spike yelled at the top of his voice. “Dash is here!”
“Spike! I told you not to yell across the library! I’ll be right there!” Twilight screamed.
Wow, talk about a hypocrite.
“Come on in, Dash,” Spike said.
“It’s Don,” I replied.
Spike scratched behind his ear. “Oh, well okay then. Don, come in. You, uh, want some tea?”
“Sure. Let me find your comfiest couch while you do that.”
After I walked inside, Spike closed the door. The library seemed larger now that I was looking at it without having just crashed into it at terminal velocity. Each wall had delicately carved bookshelves in it. Padded chairs, sofas, tables, and desks were strategically placed around the main chamber. As the public part of their library, I estimated that about a dozen ponies could read comfortably on the many pieces of furniture laid out.
There were a few doors near the back, one of them likely leading to Twilight’s dungeon full of questionably-acquired medicines. A spiral staircase ran up one wall. I lifted off into the air and scanned the second floor. It consisted of a circular hallway that ran around above all the bookshelves on the ground floor. There was no guard rail, causing it to all flow naturally and feel very open. The second floor had just as many books packed away as the first. There were at least half a dozen doors up on the second floor, a few of which had ‘Private - No entrance!’ signs.
Those must be the rooms Twilight and Spike lived in. All in all, I could not recall a nicer library than the one I was in right now. After I’d finished taking it all in, I landed on the ground floor and walked over to a bean bag. It was made of grey fabric, and I jumped onto it, landing with my legs spread out.
Oh wow, this is comfortable.
[She added a couple of those from my advice. They have clouds sewn in them, and were made for Pegasi to sit in. Nothing beats a cloud for reading a Daring Do book.]
I can see why.
I swam around in the bean bag, kneading and pushing at the fabric to shape the cloud inside. After squirming and wiggling around, I sank into a small depression I had made in the middle and rolled onto my back.
Yeah, I could lay here all day.
Spike walked back in and gave me a curious look, as if he were intruding on some private moment. “Hey, Spike, come in. Oh, and the tea isn’t too hot, is it?”
“Oh, it’s w-warm. I just uh. . . a-aren’t you. . . I, uh, think you’re f-forgetting something,” Spike stuttered.
[Oh no.]
A sense of dread washed over me as Dash realized what was wrong a second before I did. I looked down and realized I was laying on my back, legs spread wide, and tail flat on the ground. There was nothing to cover up my delicate bits and I had just given the poor dragon quite a peep show.
“Shit!” I shouted. I flicked my tail up and adjusted the bean bag until I was decent. “I’m so sorry, Spike. I’m used to being a stallion—I mean a human!”
He smiled weakly and set the tea down on an end table next to me. “Heh, yeah. I, uh. . . no problem, Dash! I just forgot I need to go make my bed!”
Spike scrambled up the stairs clumsily until he vanished into a room on the second floor.
That was odd. He acted like he’d never seen a p—
[Hey, language! Just because you’re thinking it instead of saying it, doesn’t mean you get to be vulgar!]
Sorry, I just. . . Well, it was an honest mistake.
[I’m so embarrassed. . . Imagine if you did that in front of Fluttershy, or Soarin. Oh god, what if you forget and do that in front of Celestia?!]
Whoa, calm down there. I know better now, don’t worry!
“Dash! Or is it Don? I’m glad to see you, either way. I see Spike already got some tea for you. Where did he go?” Twilight asked. She trotted down the stairs, each hoofstep echoing in the large room.
“Hi, Twilight! I'm Don,” I said cheerfully. “Spike is in his room.”
Twilight walked into the kitchen and called out for someone. A moment later she came back in with Applejack and Fluttershy.
“Oh,” I shrank back into the bean bag. “Hi, girls. . .”
I sure hope she isn’t mad about the whole belly rub thing. . .
[Nah, five bits says she feels bad for you. She feels bad for everypony.]
“Are ya Dash or Don?” Applejack asked.
“It’s Don,” Twilight answered.
Applejack circled around me to a nearby chair. “Quite a stunt y’all pulled back at Pinkie’s party.”
I chuckled and looked at her. “Yeah, sorry about the smart remarks and the bit about Soarin.”
“He didn’t really break up with you?” Fluttershy asked.
“No, but I did punch him pretty hard in the face and probably scared him away for good,” I explained.
[Did I properly ‘thank’ you for that yet?]
Does the tampon count?
[No.]
“Then why did you come over and want me to rub your belly?” Fluttershy asked.
“You what?!” Applejack jumped to her hooves. “Y’all were hittin’ on Fluttershy?”
[Thatta girl Applejack! Finally somepony who sees you for the pervert you are!]
“I’m sorry, don’t be too hard on me! I had just woken up in an alien world as a pony. You were so kind and well. . . I just needed somepony to help me relax.”
Fluttershy smiled warmly and blushed. “Oh, I’d do the same for any poor lost animal. I’m not mad.”
Looks like I owe you five bits.
[Yep. That’s why I love her. I mean, why we’re friends. . .]
Don’t be coy now, I still find those soft, succulent flanks of hers irresistible.
[Stop it! I thought we went over this, you’re not allowed to find my friends hot!]
Well, you obviously find her hot. I’m just saying, perhaps she could help you scratch that itch.
[Drop the joking now, Dude, I’m warning you!]
Fine.
“Y’all ain’t been messin’ with other ponies, Don and Dash?” Applejack asked.
“Not really, we’re trying to keep it secret. There was an itsy-bitsy mix up with Pinkie, but her shop wasn’t burnt down so I’m guessing her freak-out wasn’t that bad. And Rarity may have. . . sworn me to silence over certain evening wear I modeled for her,” I explained.
“You’re lucky Pinkie isn’t here,” Twilight explained. “You’re spilling secrets pretty easily. She’d have you making Pinkie promises left and right.”
Do I want to know what a Pinkie Promise is?
[If you value your sanity, yes. It’s that promise Scootaloo made to you, and if you break a Pinkie promise, Pinkie can sense it no matter where she is.]
So it’s basically another way for her to magically appear and freak me the hell out? Great. Remind me never to break one. Hell, I won’t even make one.
“Okay then, well you three are here. Where’s Pinkie and Rarity then? I assume this has to do with the Elements or your god-powers or something?” I stated.
“Pinkie went to get Rarity, and they should—”
The door to the library opened, interrupting Twilight. “Hey, my ears were burning!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Which one of you was talking about me?”
“Darling,” Rarity deadpanned, “clearly they were wondering if you’d found me.”
“Nope! Finding a missing pony is more like a wiggly tail,” she answered.
I asked the first ridiculous question that came to mind to see if she could sense everything. “What’s Pinkie sense for a bunny stampede?”
Pinkie laughed. “That’s usually your job to warn us of, but if you must know, it’s sorta like this!” She lifted her front left hoof and it began vibrating against the floor. “Just like Angel does, thump thump thump!”
“As fascinating as this all is, I’m very busy and not entirely past Don masquerading around my shop in a sexy maid’s outfit,” Rarity said.
[Oh Celestia, why Rarity? I didn’t want them to know that!]
“Wow, Rarity, that’s low. Poor Dash didn’t want anyone to know about that, just like you didn’t want them to know about your sex dungeon,” I retorted.
Her cheeks turned crimson as she blushed and struggled to respond. “Why—I never! The audacity! Clearly this alien has the maturity of a horny colt!”
“Girls, please, this bickering won’t get us anywhere,” Twilight said. “I need you all to put on your Elements. I got a letter from Celestia earlier today, and first things first: I need to know they still work.”
“Sure, sugarcube.” Applejack and the others approached a glass display case. They began taking necklaces out of it and putting them on.
I lazily stayed in my bean bag, letting Twilight bring me my necklace. “Hey, why didn’t I notice those when I came in?”
“I put an illusion over them to deter theft and vandalism. Dash should have been able to see it, though,” Twilight explained.
“Well, I’m not Dash, sorry.” The necklace clicked around my neck and I felt a pulse of warmth from it. “So, what do I do now?”
“Now, I activate the Elements of Harmony.”
The ponies stood in a circle and closed their eyes. Twilight seemed to be doing the most work, focusing magic through her horn and tiara. The other ponies began to glow slightly as their necklaces lit up. They began to float off the ground.
I dug my hooves into the bean bag as I started to float. “Hey, I was comfortable here!”
I wound up floating in the air for a second before falling forward and landing on my hooves. I looked down at the necklace, craning my neck, to see what it was doing.
Where the other girls each had a brilliant gem glowing in their necklace, mine remained a dull red. After another glance around I saw Twilight’s magic fade as the Elements turned back off.
“So, did I pass?” I asked.
Twilight frowned and walked over, looking closely at the necklace. “This is bad. Loyalty isn’t activating.”
“Why not?”
[The obvious answer is you aren’t loyal, duh.]
“Ah reckon ya ain’t loyal enough,” Applejack said.
“Wow, brilliant deduction, Sherlock.” I moaned and tried to sit back down in the bean bag. However, Twilight was still tugging at my necklace and kept me from going anywhere.
“It’s getting some energy. I wonder if it would work while Dash is in control. Can you two switch for me?” Twilight asked.
“Sorry, we can’t control it. I am feeling a little tired though, so we may switch soon,” I explained.
Pinkie bounced over to our side. “I have an idea!”
How does she move around by bouncing? I mean, wouldn’t all that jumping get tiring?
[Because P—]
Yeah, yeah, Pinkie Pie. Sorry I asked.
“What’s your idea?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie smiled. “Well, they did mention another way that would cause them to switch sometimes. . .”
I tilted my head to the side. “You mean blunt fo—”
I felt a splitting pain in the side of my head before I could finish my sentence. My ears were ringing and the room was spinning. There was a thud as I hit the floor, my legs twitching slightly. A frying pan hit the floor with a loud clang.
“Pinkie! What the hay?!” Applejack shouted. “Ya can’t just start smackin’ ponies!”
“Ugh, somepony kill me now,” I whimpered.
[Going. . . to. . . kill. . . her.]
You okay, in there, Dash?
[Y-yeah.]
“P-pinkie, I hate you so m-much,” I muttered. The ringing was making it difficult to think or concentrate, and I could count my pulse by the throbbing in my head.
“Aww, I’m sorry, Don. That was supposed to work!” Pinkie came over to hug me but I weakly waved her away with a leg.
“Pinkie,” Twilight scolded, “that is unacceptable. Even if blunt force trauma causes a switch, you could easily give Dash a concussion or kill her! That is not an option to get them to switch.”
I felt myself fade back into Dash’s mind as I lost control of her body. Once again I was in the back seat and could finally relax.
“Yeah, Pinkie,” Dash said. “Hit me again and I’ll throttle you.”
“See! Told you it would work!” Pinkie cheered.
[How the hell could she tell it worked?! Seriously, Dash, choke her. Choke her before she drives me insane.]
I’m considering it, Dude, that fucking hurt.
“Heh, yeah it’s me,” Dash said.
“Oh, dear.” Fluttershy rushed over to examine the bruise on our head and pulled Dash in for a hug. I could feel her lovely smooth fur, her soft warm skin, and even her heartbeat against our chest.
[I changed my mind. If we get free hugs Pinkie can hit us more often.]
Please, Dude, it’s confusing that you and me both are feeling attracted to her. She’s my best friend.
[So you admit it? Would you grab her flanks for us? I bet they feel like butter.]
Seriously, that’s enough.
“Let’s try again, girls, while Dash and Don have their little conversation,” Twilight said.
“Yes, those two lovebirds were meant for each other,” Rarity mocked. “Running around, pulling pranks and humiliating their friends."
“Wow, who put the stick up your ass?” Dash said. “I told Don not to go with you. I begged you to let me pick up the outfit for Soarin later.”
“Girls! Whatever has got yer panties in a bunch, now ain’t the time to bicker ‘bout it,” Applejack stated.
“I agree, um. . . You’re both my best friends and it hurts to see you fight.” Fluttershy looked at Rarity, and I saw her look down and apologize.
She then turned her gaze on Dash. I saw the large eyes—both commanding and vulnerable at the same time. I knew before Dash spoke she would obey her request. “Sorry, Flutters, it won’t happen again. Just a little worked up is all,” Dash explained.
Twilight cleared her throat loudly and began casting a spell. The Elements began to glow again and Dash got to her hooves. After several minutes of Twilight’s best effort, the Element of Loyalty still refused to activate.
Once she admitted defeat, Twilight came over to tend to the large bump on Dash’s head. I could feel the magic tingling against her skin and causing a tickling sensation.
I felt much better now inside Dash’s head. The tempting network of memories and positive emotions was still there, beckoning me. I ignored it, creating a small nest in my corner of her brain. Imagining a warm and fluffy bean bag, I relaxed and watched out of Dash’s eyes as she talked with her friends.
“He really isn’t that bad. I mean, typical one-track mind like any stallion, but he’s trying,” Dash explained. “I’m sure he’s not deliberately blocking the Element.”
“We don’t know much about humans. They’re aliens, they’re not from Equestria. . . but what else? Are they loyal? Warlike?”
“I’ll ask him, but I do know they eat meat. They’re also apparently pretty ugly, as he never found a special somepony.”
[That’s kinda personal, isn’t it?]
Let’s just tell her what she wants to know.
[Humanity is. . . diverse. We’ve fought in wars, killed millions of each other. Pretty much every forty or so years there is a major war. It’s pretty chaotic on Earth, but there is a lot of good. Charity, feeding the homeless, giving medicine to the sick. . .]
Dash began to convey my thoughts to the other Elements as I thought them. As she continued to read the script I was giving her outloud, I continued to ponder how to describe human to a race that had never heard of them before.
[. . . and hundreds of religions are practiced. Most countries give many freedoms to their citizens, but some still oppress them. You could as easily have had a saint or a devil get teleported into your body. As for me, well, I’m no saint, but I like to think I’m a good person. I didn’t have much use for many friends, though I like to think I’m loyal to the ones I did have. Probably wouldn’t throw myself on a grenade for any of them, though.]
Dash finished repeating my short lecture on humanity. “Does that answer your questions?”
“Hmm, well it does, but it raises even more. What do you girls have to say?” Twilight asked.
I was rather bored and tuned them out as they spoke. Instead of listening to what they had to say, I began to rate each one on a scale of one to ten.
[Hmm, Pinkie Pie. Looks a tad pudgy but she’s so energetic. Nice shade of pink, curly hair, probably wild in the sack. Then again, she can go from funny to scary in ten seconds flat. I’ll rate her a seven.]
Seven what? Are you scoring how attractive my friends are?
[Nope, just, uh. . . an objective measurement of physical characteristics and geometric curvature. Now, since Rarity is speaking: the snow-white fur is lovely, and her mane expertly done. Unfortunately, she’s a bitch. I’ll give her a four out of ten until her attitude approves. Maybe I’ll put her at seven when she pulls the aforementioned stick out of her ass.]
What’ll it take to get you to stop? My friends aren’t slabs of meat, you know.
[I know, because if Applejack was a steak I’d gobble her up. I mean, look at her! Those muscles are massive for a mare, and yet, not large enough to be unattractive. I bet she could crack nuts between those thighs, and not just almonds. Imagine a night with her after a long sweaty day in the fields—she’s easily an eight.]
Look, if you don’t stop now you’ll regret it. You were pretty cool with Scoots so I was gonna go easy on you tonight.
[Hah! Easy on me? I’m stuck, you're stuck, and your magical god-powers are broken! What more could go wrong? Just look at Twilight: does that look like confidence to you? I bet her mentor can’t fix us either. This is my life now. At the very least, I can imagine the naughty things she has learned in books about pleasuring a mare with her horn. I give her a nine.]
Stop, I can barely hear what they’re saying!
[Next is Fluttershy—]
Dammit, leave her outta this! You are a human. You aren’t allowed to like ponies!
[But look at her! Really look. I don’t know why. . . but ever since I got here. . . wow. Her fur feels like wrapping myself up in warm silk. Her hooves are magical, melting my sore muscles like snow on a sunny day.]
I’m counting to three. Stop, or else!
[So gentle, shy, that laugh. . . She is the full package. Forget Soarin, you should totally bang her. She’s a ten out of ten!]
One.
[I wonder if she’s kinky. Maybe if she has a dungeon that’s not such a bad thing after all.]
TWO.
[Maybe she hides it in that shed next to her house. I mean, she’d just need a couple of tables and some straps.]
“THREE!” Dash shouted. I noticed everypony in the room looking at her intently as she huffed.
“Dash, are you okay?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah. . . but Don is being insufferable!” Dash whined.
Applejack came over and tried to rub Dash’s back and calm her down. “What do ya mean, sugarcube?”
“Ugh, he gets bored when he’s not in control and won’t shut up! He just sits there narrating everything I do!” Dash shrugged AJ’s hoof off and began to pace around. “I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this! When he tries to act like a pony I have to stop him so he doesn’t turn into another me, and when he acts like a human he’s such an ass!”
“Dash, please, calm down.” Twilight walked over and used her magic to unfasten the necklace. “You are both in a very difficult situation. The fact you’re this worked up proves to me you’re not at risk of blending together or dying anytime soon. Plus, I swear that I won’t rest until I’ve fixed this. You’re one of my best friends, Dash.”
Dash made her way back to the grey bean bag and laid on her side in it. “Thanks.”
“What do ya mean ‘dying’?” Applejack asked.
Twilight frowned as she levitated the rest of the Elements back towards the case. “My best theory is one mind can’t hold two consciousnesses. That means, if we don’t fix this, either Dash or Don will have to. . . go away, permanently.”
“No!” Fluttershy protested. “Please, it’s not his fault he’s here. You can’t let either of them get hurt!”
“I don’t plan to, Fluttershy. If I had to choose to save Dash by taking another life. . . I don’t think I could. That’s why I’m going to fix this. Celestia sent this earlier.” Twilight levitated out a scroll with a broken seal.
“What’s it say?” Rarity inquired.
“Celestia hasn’t heard from the Crystal Empire in weeks. Cadance missed a scheduled economic report but she thought little of it. Then, Shining didn’t show for routine military drills with the Royal Guard. When Celestia sent a letter inquiring about the odd absences, she received no response.”
I could sense the memories in Dash’s mind about the Crystal Empire, and I reached out timidly towards them, accessing all she knew about the situation. Dash still seemed pretty upset about my earlier shenanigan so I kept quiet and to myself.
“So she wants us to go check in and pay ‘em a visit?” Applejack asked.
“Yes,” Twilight replied. “It isn’t a big enough problem yet to need her direct intervention, and should be a learning experience for me. Also, it’s my brother. Even if she went, I’d demand to go to and help. Without the Element of Loyalty, though. . .”
Dash got out of the bean bag and stood up. “Don’t even think about it! Where you girls go, I’m going. I don’t need a stinkin’ Element to protect myself.”
“And what if we run into a new enemy? What if we need the Elements to banish evil again? No, it’s time I told Celestia what happened to you. She’ll have to investigate this one without us. The Elements are staying right here until we fix this even if it means I won’t get to find my brother.”
I saw a tear roll down Twilight’s cheek as the other ponies gathered around and hugged her.
[We have to help her find her brother.]
No shit. Now go back to your corner.
[I’m sorry, I got carried away.]
If you’re sorry sit down and shut up.
“Look, Twilight, let her know about my condition. . . but I am going to the Crystal Empire with you. The six of us,” Dash waved a hoof around, “our friendship will be enough. Even when we couldn’t reach the Elements at the wedding we still came through alright.”
Twilight smiled and rubbed her cheek. “Thanks, Dash. I’ll send her the letter right away. It’s getting late. There are some snacks in the kitchen, girls. Help yourself and meet back here tomorrow.”
I kept quiet, falling back on an old technique I’d learned as a kid. When you do something to piss off your mother, you shut up and act on your best behavior to avoid being punished. It rarely ever worked as a kid, yet it was worth a shot.
Dash grabbed some apples to eat, along with some cheese and crackers. She even ate some peanut butter, which was delicious. I waited patiently until she left and flew home to her cloud in the sky.
She landed and walked inside, closing the door behind her and shutting the windows to block out the wind. After feeding Tank and checking on everything in the house, she headed to her bedroom.
I still wasn’t sure if I should speak up, or if my little rating system of her friends was truly that offensive. I spent some time trying to search her memories to find out why she was so defensive around Fluttershy. Whatever happened between them, Dash kept it close to the center of her mind. I could not reach that far without risking losing myself into her network of memories.
Dash smiled as she walked into the bathroom and reached into one of the drawers.
I appreciate your good behavior, but it’s too little, too late. I’m going to teach you a lesson on respecting my boundaries in the only way I think you’ll understand.
[Dash, I’m sorry. Look, I don’t know why Fluttershy is a sore subject, but I know it is now, and I’ll leave her out of my jokes.]
It’s not just that. You ignore my warnings, violate my personal space, punched my date, are always being a smart ass, and keep hitting on my friends! You want to explore my sexuality so badly? Well, I’m granting your wish.
[Dash? What do you mean?]
I seem to be solidly in control right now, so I’m going to punish your bad behavior by giving you exactly what you want. After this, you’ll apologize profusely and we’ll be even. From tomorrow onward we’re going to work together to fix this mess. Understood?
[I still don’t get what the punishment is.]
Dash pulled a large black object out of the drawer.
[Please tell me that’s a big flashlight.]
Nope! Now, I believe somepony wanted to experience the female side of intimacy.
[Hehe, y-you really had me going there. Good one! I’m sorry and I swear I’ll behave now. Wait, where are you going? The bathroom is that way! You put that away—okay, we’re in your bedroom! Just drop it on the floor! NO! You m-monster! OOOH!]
I woke up first and found Dash was still asleep, leaving me in control of her body. It took me a moment to shake off the after effects of the nightmare I had last night. It involved a large toy, Dash torturing me, and a dream about Soarin in the Wonderbolts’ locker room. It had been truly horrifying.
The sun started to shine through the window so I rolled over to shield my eyes. They began to focus on an object laying in the bed next to mine. The scent of sweat and shame radiated from the object and the sheets, and I slowly realized it hadn’t been a nightmare.
I angrily kicked off the sheets and jumped out of the bed. “No, this can’t be happening. It was a nightmare! I don’t like stallions—I’m a human!”
Last night’s memories came back to me; I remembered her warning and my final surrender. She intended to use shock and awe to force my good behavior, and it worked. I had to beg her for release and swear to behave myself.
What she’d done had been sinister, whether she intended it or not: she had violated me and made me enjoy it. Whichever part of my personality had scoffed at the notion of loving a stallion seemed a distant memory, now overwritten by Dash’s own desires. If I pissed her off again she might take another piece of me away, and I had to prevent that.
I recalled her mention of a hotel restaurant and thought of a way to show her what she had done to me. If I didn’t do this, she might not realize the horror of what she had done. With a smirk, I rummaged around her dresser and put on some saddlebags and a full pouch of bits.
The air was chilly and I was not sure how well I’d fly. Despite her being asleep, I felt confident I still had access to enough of her memories and flying experience. I took a leap of faith and luckily my fears proved unfounded. At least her skill at flying had rubbed off on me too, but it probably overwrote some part of my personality I hadn’t realized yet.
This whole mess was a disaster, and what I needed more than anything was some comfort food. At the very least, if she turned me into some stallion-loving vegetarian pony, I’d go out with one hell of a bang.
It wasn’t long before I trotted into the hotel and went to get some food. The chef who catered to Griffin guests worked here, and despite Dash’s warning not to eat meat, I could’ve really gone for some bacon right then.
“Good morning, miss. How many in your party?” a waiter asked.
I approached his booth at the entrance to the restaurant. “You cater to Griffins here, right?”
“Yes, miss. They have separate seating so you won’t have to see them eating anything unsavory.”
“On the contrary, take me to a corner booth in the Griffin section. I’ve got a craving for pork.”
The Earth pony frowned and raised an eyebrow. “I uh, well. . . okay, miss. Right this way.” I followed him in and he soon gestured to a door on the right. “Right through here a Griffin waiter will see to your needs.”
“Thanks,” I looked at his name badge, “Fertile Soil. Wow, what a lame name.”
He scoffed and shook his head. “Says Rainbow Dash before she eats meat. And I thought you were just a fillyfooler. When I tell my friends about this, they won’t believe me.”
“That’s the spirit! You’ve got to nurture that sarcasm and let it bloom into a beautiful, uh. . . tree of sarcasm or something. Look, just make like a tree and leaf.”
I pushed through the door, not waiting for his response as I frankly wasn’t in the mood.
“Good morning, miss. I’m Clyde and I believe you’re in the wrong section. The pony area—”
“Nope, I have unique dietary requirements. Corner booth, please.”
“As you wish.” He led me over to a booth and I took a seat. “Would you like a menu?”
“No thanks, Clyde. Just bring me a steak, and make it snappy.”
He looked a tad confused until I pulled out my bit purse, which was stuffed, and set it on the table. “At once, miss.”
I pondered if I should wake Dash up yet or wait for the main course. I thought that if I could repay her in kind, by giving her a taste for meat, perhaps she would understand where I was coming from. Our back and forth war needed to end. She would never comprehend what it feels like to lose a piece of her personality, her identity, unless I showed her first hand. And I knew for certain that I did not want to risk any more of her personality infecting me.
Part of me really missed my cell phone. It had several games to keep me busy and I began to wonder how ponies made it through the day without going insane. I hadn’t seen any T.V.s yet, or portable gaming devices. That’s not to say they don’t exist, but I still haven’t figured out how Dash’s flying cloud house gets its electricity. I’m not about to ask where they get their cable, or whether they have internet. With my luck, I’ll get another answer involving Pinkie Pie.
The Griffin came back carrying a plate on his wing. He set it down expertly before me and also gave me a glass of water. “If you need anything els—”
“What the fuck is this?!” I said in disgust.
The Griffin’s eyes went wide and he took a step backwards. “It’s, uh. . . cow. You said you wanted the house steak!”
“Of course I did, you idiot! And this isn’t a steak, this—” I jabbed a hoof into it. “Thing. . . well it’s definitely not a steak!”
Before me on the plate was a small cut of meat, perhaps a six ounce slice of beef. It looked an odd greyish-brown, clearly freezer burnt, and had been charred by an unskilled chef. Then again, I’d never had a steak in Equestria so I didn’t know how they got or prepared them.
“I’m sorry, miss, if it’s not to your satisfaction I can have them make it again. But you’re sure you want meat?”
I sighed. “Yes, I’m sure, and I don’t want another steak. Take this back and bring me all your bacon and eggs.”
“At once.” The Griffin lifted the plate up and began to walk away.
“Hey!” I shouted. He turned around to face me. “Just to make sure we’re clear, when I say bring me all of your bacon and eggs, I mean all of them. And some orange juice.” I fished a few bits out and slid them over towards him with a hoof.
“Yes, ma’am.” He took the bits and hurried back to the kitchen. It wasn’t long before the aroma of half a pig sizzling on a grill reached me. It smelt heavenly.
[Oh, what’s that lovely smell? Are you cooking me breakfast, Don?]
Not exactly, but I am going to give you a breakfast you’ll never forget.
[What do you mean? Where are we?]
We’re at the hotel that caters to Griffins, and you and I are going to have a little chat, as adults.
[Wait, the place that serves meat?]
The one and only.
[Dude, cut this shit out or I’ll repeat last night!]
No! You will never violate me like that again, just like I won’t violate you again. What you did to me stole a piece of my personality. It damaged me, Dash. Our goal is to fix this, not make it worse in this pointless power struggle.
[What do you mean? I. . . hurt you?]
Yes. I know what I did to you in the bath was wrong.I invaded your personal space. You’ve always been a mare, so it was natural for you to react the way you did. I’ve always been a human male, and what you did to me. . . I just couldn’t cope.
[You enjoyed it. I mean, at the end. . . I could read your thoughts.]
And that’s the problem. I enjoyed your little fantasy about Soarin while you got your revenge on me. You took the part of me that liked human women, and replaced it with a desire to have Soarin mount me. I’m horrified that in my mind I now feel more strongly for Soarin than I do for any of the girlfriends I had as a human. You robbed me of part of my humanity, replacing it with a desire to get bucked by a stallion. See why I’m upset?
[Wow. I. . . don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, but I don’t think just saying that is enough. What I did was really rotten, and if there is any way I can make it up to you, I will.]
There is a way you can make it up to me. I need to make you understand the hell you’ve put me through. Granted, I’ve made you uncomfortable but I haven’t made you lose a piece of yourself.
[What? So you’re going to go eye for an eye? I thought we were past this whole personal war.]
We are, and that’s why all I’m gonna do is enjoy some bacon and eggs to cheer myself up. In the same way you made me like salad, I’m going to make you like bacon. It should be harmless enough, just a little bacon, but you’ll find yourself wanting bacon despite knowing it’s wrong.
[But I. . . okay.]
Okay?
[Yeah. I deserve it. I didn’t know what it’d do to you, but that’s no excuse. If this makes us even then I accept. You can. . . eat meat.]
I could sense her discomfort at the thought, her hesitation to give in. Dash also felt genuine sorrow, and she couldn’t hide that fact from me. We had grown so close I could sense all her emotions.
Ugh, I can’t do this to you. It was a stupid idea.
[No, it’s okay. Please, all I thought about was myself; how inconvenient this mess is for me, how this messes up my dreams, my relationships. I haven’t stopped to think about you, Don. Nearly two days now you’ve been stuck here, struggling to cope and I kept punishing you, even though we’re both victims here.]
My brain struggled to understand this turn of events. Dash and I had been butting heads since the start of this mess, and now she seemed ready to put our differences aside. She even offered to let me eat meat just to cheer me up.
The griffin walked over balancing several plates on his back. He began to set down at least a dozen fried eggs, some scrambled ones, and others poached. All that was topped off with two plates full of bacon.
I can’t, now I feel like the asshole.
[Hey, we’ve both been assholes. Look, this’ll cheer you up and I think I can resist the temptation of eating meat in the future. That’s nothing compared to constantly being horny for the wrong gender, and I’m truly sorry for that.]
I’m sorry too, for this whole mess. I just thought if I kept denying it and laughing at the absurdity it’d go away.
[Let’s just make the best of it going forward. Besides, I’d be lying to say I’ve never been curious myself. . .]
Wait, you’re curious what meat tastes like? Haha, wow, and I felt weird for wanting to play in the bathtub.
[Hey, just because I’m a pony doesn’t mean I never wondered about it. Just hurry up already, that smell is driving me crazy.]
I noticed myself drooling and wiped my chin, a trail of saliva sticking to my hoof as I pulled it away. The Griffin waiter was watching from a respectful distance to see what the mad mare he just served bacon to would do.
With a large smile, I took a hoof full of bacon and shoved it in my mouth. Immediately I was in nirvana. The grease from the grill was quick to spread over my tongue, with just the right amount of grit. I sucked on the bacon, draining the grease from my mouth.
I began to chew it and found that it was just crunchy enough to work with my large flat teeth. More of the juices were released from the bacon and the slightly salty flavors of pork were enough to make me tremble. It felt like I’d never eaten bacon before.
[Whoa. . . it’s. . . amazing. You used to eat this all the time?]
Hell yeah.
[You think they. . . hurt the pig when they kill it?]
I grabbed a fork and began shoveling fried eggs into my mouth. The yolk dripped out of my lips and began to stain the cyan fur. The look of shock on the waiter made it all worthwhile as I wiped the yolk off my face with half a dozen strips of bacon, then ate them.
Honestly? I don’t know. Even on my planet eating animals for food still has some opposition, but for an omnivore it’s just part of life.
[Your memories. . . they’re almost invading me. I can almost recall what a double cheeseburger tastes like. It—wow.]
The scrambled eggs vanished rapidly under the assault of my fork. I drank half the orange juice and got back to work.
You okay?
[Yeah, it’s strange. I didn’t really want you to eat it, but now, I really want you to finish it all and order more. It’s. . . frightening.]
Yeah, I don’t know what’s happening to us, but the concept of losing my identity scares the hell out of me, and it should scare you too. We need to work together to fix this.
[You’re right, I don’t want to lose my awesomeness either.]
I quickly finished the poached eggs, focusing more on them than the bacon. Ponies do eat eggs, and occasionally fish, so I felt less guilty about it.
[Come on, finish that bacon. It’s amazing!]
I frowned. I can’t do that to you, I’ve made my point. I don’t want to turn you into some sort of cannibal. . . or carnivore or whatever you call a vegetarian that eats meat.
[Pleeeeaaaasssseeee!]
Her pleading quickly overpowered my feeble resistance. This may have been the first time—and last—I was ever going to eat meat in Equestria and I couldn’t resist. I finished off the last plate of bacon, savoring every moment and searching out every nuance in the flavor.
Come on, we’ve got to go check in with Twilight about the whole Crystal Empire mess.
[Wait, we can get some bacon to go, right? Just a little more?]
No, Dash, I’m cutting you off for your own good. There will be no more meat for us.
[Come on, please? Just a little more! Pleeeeaaaasssseeee—]
No, Dash. God, you’re worse than me in the locker room dream.
[Wait, you were in my dream with me? Oh Celestia. . . you saw that thing I did with the weather vane. . .]
Yeah. I, uh. . . let’s never talk about that dream again, okay?
Clyde delivered our check and I left fifty-five bits on the table to pay for the meal and his tip. On my way out, I smiled to the Earth pony waiter and exhaled a large bacon-scented breath at his face. He cringed back from the offensive odor.
[Hey, so we’re cool now, right?]
Yeah. I mean, I’m still gonna be a smart-ass, I don’t think I can turn that off. But, uh, you and your friends are safe from my idle hooves.
[Heh, thanks. So, you still want to go pranking? I mean, like, we could do some normal pony things to cheer you up.]
Let’s see what Twilight has planned first. After that we can go do something.
Her sudden shift to positivity scared me a little. Women were hard enough to read on Earth, and it hadn’t gotten any easier now that I had seen into one’s mind. Still, she left me no choice but to accept her newfound positivity. We hadn’t even made it halfway to the library when I felt myself recede into her mind.
Dash nearly tripped as she regained control, not fully expecting it. She looked back at the hotel almost longingly, but thankfully continued towards the library.
[Hey, Dash, doesn’t that seem pretty quick for us to switch? I was barely in control two hours.]
What can you do? We have no control over the switch, unless you let Pinkie near us with a frying pan again.
[Yeah, not going to happen.]
Speaking of Pinkie, I never admitted this but that whole freak-out at the party was pretty hilarious. You’ve got a future as a prankster, Dude.
[We can discuss pranks later. I’m just glad this whole war between us is over.]
Dash had reached the library and pushed the door open. She walked inside and found Twilight hovering a list and quill in the air, dutifully packing supplies for a trip to the Crystal Empire.
“Hey, egghead, what’d Celestia say?” Dash asked.
Twilight didn’t bother to look away from her checklist. “She’ll meet us in the Crystal Empire. Given your. . . current condition, she thinks it is best that if you do go, she’ll be there to examine you.”
“Cool, I guess. Do you need me or can I go take a nap until the train leaves?”
“I don’t need—oh wait, I’m supposed to check you each day so I can track whether your mental health is declining. Celestia suggested it,” Twilight explained.
“Uh, it doesn’t involve needles, does it?”
Twilight put the list away and came over, stopping a few feet in front of Dash. “Not at all, just a quick scan to compare to yesterday.”
Her horn began to glow and surrounded us in a purple glow. Like the first time she scanned us, it seemed as though I could feel her inside Dash’s brain with me. It was a tingling presence that seemed to trace routes around and examine us on a different level. I still didn’t understand how magic was capable of such astounding feats, nor did I think I’d want to know. It had likely just left me frustrated and confused.
“Hmm, fascinating. There has been some change since the last scan.”
Dash looked away nervously. “I, uh. . . don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean that you two seem to have grown a little closer. Have you lost any memories?”
“Well, Don said he forgot who his parents are but that’s no biggy. I mean, he probably was just stressed out,” Dash stated.
[Wait, I remember who my parents are. They’re Spectrum and Misty, they live in Cloudsdale.]
“I take that back,” Dash corrected. “He remembers my parents.”
“Oh, this isn’t good.” Twilight began scanning us again. “Dash, how did we meet?”
“Hah, that’s an easy one, Twi. It was when Nightmare Moon invaded the Summer Sun Celebration. You just showed up out of nowhere and confronted her, so I followed you to the library because I thought you were a spy.”
She frowned and I felt Dash’s hooves lift off the ground. Twilight levitated us over to the sofa and sat us down. “Dash, we met when I came to check on the weather. You were taking a nap and hadn’t cleared the sky. You bet me you could clear the sky in ten seconds flat.”
“Heh, sounds like me, but that didn’t happen. I first met you at the festival.”
“Alright, then tell me who won the last running of the leaves.”
Dash smiled and leaned forward. “That’s easy! I always beat AJ in that race.”
“You tied, Dash, for last. I beat both of you.”
Dash broke up laughing and fell over on the coach. I was apparently missing the joke as I watched her cracking up. After a minute, she managed to compose herself. “You. . . beat me? At a race? Bwahahaha!”
“It’s true! Aren’t you worried that you’ll forget something important? Like how to fly or who Applejack is?”
Dash stopped laughing and her face lost all emotion. Her eyes narrowed and she frowned slightly. “Wait, who is Applejack?”
Twilight gasped and her eyes went wide. “I—oh, this is bad.”
“I was kidding!” Another fit of laughter began as the furious alicorn stomped her hooves.
[Hah, nice one.]
“This isn’t funny, Dash! Sure, they’re little things now, but what happens when you really do forget about us?”
[Yeah, Dash. Joking aside, we really need to get in front of this thing and fix it.]
I guess you’re right. After all, the sooner we fix this, the sooner I can get back to Earth.
[Dammit, Dash! Stop joking around. I’m the human. I’m from Earth!]
I uh. . . yeah, I guess you’re right. Wow, why was I thinking that?
[You need to admit this to Twilight, tell her everything. I think we’ve really fucked up here.]
No, I’m sure it was just a brain fart. We’ll be fine.
[Please, Dash, she can’t help us if you don’t tell her the truth.]
Ugh, fine.
“Twilight, I, uh. . . it’s been getting worse. Just a second ago I was bickering with Don, and I thought I was the human. . .”
Twilight paced around for a moment trying to figure out what to do. “Hmm, the Element of Loyalty didn’t trigger and we don’t know much about them. Why don’t they protect the bearer? You can’t have harmony if a bearer loses their mind. Then again, they are just conduits for the Elements of Harmony to tap into a greater, poorly-understood power.”
“So you can just cast a spell to fix my memories, right?” Dash asked.
“Celestia pointed out that the spell I used to restore your memories after Discord’s escape would work again to restore your memories, except. . .”
“Except what?”
Twilight looked back, her eyes averting our gaze. “If I restore memories of your life to you, Dash, I’d be imprinting them over Don as well. I could save your memories, here and now, if I basically erased all of Don’s.”
“No!” Dash shouted.
[Crap, the only way she can fix us is to kill me?]
No, I won’t let that happen. There’s no way I could live with myself. I, uh. . . well, I’m the Element of Loyalty and you’re as much a friend to me as anypony else. And I never abandon a friend.
[Thanks, that’s actually the nicest thing you’ve said to me since I got here.]
“Dash, if we can’t fix it another way, eventually I’ll have no choice. . . Celestia was kind enough to show me how to restore your memories in case it comes to that.”
Dash got off the couch and walked up to her, staring her in the eye. “I. Said. No.”
“Look, I’m not saying I’m gonna do it right now! But we need that option on the table, just in case the other plans fail. Why are you suddenly more concerned for him than your own life and that of the Elements? Weren’t you saying earlier what an ‘asshole’ he was?”
Dash let out a long sigh. “Yeah, but we’ve both made mistakes and he’s a part of me now, a friend. And even if I don’t like his attitude, he deserves no less than anyone else that’s a friend.”
“What kind of mistakes?” Twilight asked.
“Huh?” Dash said, tilting her head.
“You said you’ve made mistakes—what kind? Could they have caused any memory leakage or even changed any personality traits?”
Oh god, I can’t tell her about what I did last night. . .
[I think you have to. After all, you keep saying ‘god’ instead of ‘Celestia’ and ‘anyone’ instead of ‘anypony’. Whatever did this to us is insidious, robbing us so slowly of our identity that we don’t notice it. In fact, if we hadn’t made mistakes and accelerated the process, we might not have noticed it at all. I think our bickering made us realize the seriousness of our situation.]
Well, I trust you if. . . you really want her to know about last night.
[I. . . it’s for the best.]
“Twilight, I’m about to tell you some very private things about myself and Don, and you have to Pinkie Promise not to tell anyone—anypony!”
She smiled. “Dash, I cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. I wouldn’t betray your trust. After all, that’s the fastest way to lose a friend.”
“Forever!” a voice shouted in the distance loud enough to be heard in the library.
[The hell?]
Pinkie Pie.
[Enough said.]
I basically twiddled my imaginary thumbs in Dash’s head as she explained the true events of the past two days to Twilight. Everything, from the bath to the bacon, the cynicism and pranks, even some of the less savory thoughts I’d had. To be fair, it wasn’t my fault I watched that Saw movie marathon right before I got pulled to Equestria. There wasn’t anything else good on T.V. and I was bored.
“I see.” Twilight began chewing on her lip, which I interpreted as a bad sign. She was usually composed and seemed to know exactly what to do. “I’m disappointed in both of you. Did either of you stop to think about your loved ones? You acted like fillies in a schoolyard fight and could have both died! What do you have to say for yourselves?”
“We’re sorry, Twilight.” Dash looked down at her hooves, slowly rubbing them together. Being scolded by the pony with the best odds of getting me home for acting like a child throwing a tantrum felt horrible.
“Well, Dash, make sure you don’t have any more highly-charged emotional situations or. . . meat, again. I would have to hypothesize that the stronger the shared emotion, the more powerful the connection formed. Each time your two personalities connect and merge it’ll be harder to undo this mess, not to mention you may leave me with no choice but to—”
“No! Even if it comes to that, you have to let me die. I’m not gonna live if it means you killed Don.”
[Dash, I’ve done nothing to deserve your loyalty. . . just drop it.]
No, it’s like I said. This whole time I only cared about myself and not you. That changes now: if we can’t both go back to normal, then neither of us will.
Dash repeated this sentiment to Twilight as I felt a rush of emotion. I was so humbled that someone I barely knew, someone who I had tormented, would stand up for me. If all ponies had this potential for good in them, then this truly wasn’t such a bad place to be stranded.
“Okay, okay, I yield. Dash, I won’t use that spell, but please. . . if it comes down to it, I don’t know if I can let you die,” Twilight said. She had begun to cry slowly, letting two tears slide down her cheeks.
“Hey, we won’t let it come to that. If anypony in Equestria can fix this mess it’s you.”
Dash grabbed Twilight and hugged her, and soon I could feel them each crying into the other’s shoulder.
[Come on, enough with the mushy stuff. Aren’t you too cool for that?]
Dash separated Twilight from her. “So, what do we do now?”
“Well, I packed for you. Just enjoy the afternoon, get lunch, and come back. Our train departs at six for the Crystal Empire.”
The two said their goodbyes and Dash headed out the door into the midday sun. I noticed how quickly time seemed to fly around here. Perhaps they had a shorter day than twenty-four hours, or perhaps the constant body swapping screwed with my sense of time. I’d barely seen any clocks, and nopony wore a watch. I was amazed anyone could keep track of time without one.
“Dash, you going to stand here all day?” I asked out loud.
[You got control back a minute ago, Dude.]
Oh, sorry, Dash. I zoned out for a moment.
[Yeah, well this rapid switching is going to get annoying fast if it keeps up.]
It sure is nice to stretch my legs after being in your head for a few hours. . .
I set off towards her house and was about to take off when I heard someone call our name.
“Dash!”
I turned around, recognizing the voice but dreading the ensuing awkward conversation. Sure enough, there he was. “Hi, Soarin.”
[Oh no! Please, Don! Play it cool! Tell him his mane looks nice. . . No wait! He looks, uh. . . sweaty. Ask if he did an awesome new stunt! Wait, maybe—]
I did my best to ignore her as I dealt with the issue at hoof. There was a pony trotting towards me who was the embodiment of last night’s nightmare. Yet I couldn’t help but feel I owed Dash a fair shot with him after the way I’d ruined their date. “Sorry about the other night. I was just caught off guard.”
“Look, Dash, I’m sorry too for leaving. And I just want you to know it’s okay if you’re not into stallions. We can still be friends,” Soarin said.
[Kill me now! My life is over! HELP! Somepony, I’m doomed!]
I choked on my breath as I inhaled and heard the line ‘not into stallions’. Dash was nearly mad with lust for this stallion, and he thought I punched him in the face because I was a lesbian. “Soarin, that’s not what this is about.”
“It’s cool. We have a few on the team and I could set you up—”
[Help me, Don! Do something!]
“Soarin.” I grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes, speaking softly enough other ponies wouldn’t hear. “This has to do with the Crystal Empire being abandoned, and something is affecting us Elements. I’m in heat and trust me, I’m no fillyfooler. I spent all night last night fantasizing about you strapping me down to a bench in the Wonderbolts locker room and ravishing me. I. Want. You.”
Soarin just stood there with his mouth agape, and eyes wide in disbelief. His mouth opened and closed like a fish for a moment, and I took a step back.
While I cringed at the words I’d just uttered to save Dash’s relationship, I caught sight of something else underneath him. It was horrifying, but I couldn’t look away.
[Oh. My. God.]
I shook my head, finally managing to look away. “Tell you what, uh. . . how about we get lunch someplace normal. After I get back from the Crystal Empire you can. . . do your thing, or something, you know? I’m sure I’ll be right as rain by then.”
“I. . .” Soarin still stood there speechless at my proclamation.
“Come on, champ.” I bumped into him and pushed him towards a nearby restaurant where he could sit down and regain some of his decency. He fumbled along, finally regaining his composure to realize how exposed he was and took a seat at an outside table. I went to the other side and sat down.
“Wow, I’d heard you’re blunt but that takes the pie,” Soarin stated.
“Yeah, and you better keep that between us, or you won’t get any ‘pie’, capisce? “
“Yes, ma’am.”
I groaned. “And cut that crap, my name is Do—Dash, not ma’am.”
“So you really do like me and it was just something to do with the Elements?” Soarin asked.
“Yeah, I swear they’re like a curse. Always screwing stuff up,” I explained.
[Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you so much, Don! You totally saved my ass back there!]
Hey, that’s what frenemies are for, right?
[Frenemies?]
You know, friendly enemies. . . since we’re still sort of all mixed up and generally stuck in this snafu.
[Haha, I get it. But, thanks. You wanna invite him back to my place after lunch?]
Don’t push your luck.
[Sorry.]
I shifted around in the chair, trying to get comfortable and praying to Celestia he couldn’t smell my excitement. Being a mare really sucked, and I wondered if women back on Earth ever felt this way around a handsome guy. I really hoped to never find out.
“Dash, you wanted a salad, right?” Soarin asked.
“Huh?” I looked down in front of me and saw a salad full of green vegetables, and the occasional colorful fruit to lull me into a false sense of security.
“You were sorta zoned out or something. I figured it must be that whole Elements thing you mentioned, so I ordered for you.”
“Thanks, Soarin. You’re too kind.” I leaned over and bit into the middle of the salad, coming up with a large mouthful of the leafy greens.
This sucks.
[Didn’t you say you like the taste now?]
That’s just it, they’re supposed to taste bad! Ugh, now I’m gonna wind up eating salad all the time.
[Isn’t that a good thing? It’s healthy, right?]
Yeah, but that means I’ll have less room for meat in my stomach. Why eat the vegetables when I can eat the animal that ate them?
[Heh, you’re so weird.]
“So, Soarin, practiced any new stunts lately?” I asked.
“Well, we did invent a new triple-helix maneuver where two inverted ponies—”
I started nodding my head and saying ‘ahuh’ at regular intervals. Everything he was talking about was beyond me, and I only had a vague image in my head of what he meant. Meanwhile, I could tell Dash was hanging off every single word as she was perfectly silent. She really had something for this pony.
“—with a barrel roll as the fireworks go off. Spitfire was going to be lead pony at the next show, but during practice she took a firework to the knee. Now I’ll get to be lead pony and she’ll be wing pony. You should come see it.”
“Ahuh,” I said.
“You mean you’ll come?” Soarin tilted his head.
I snapped out of my haze, wiping the messy remains of a salad and dressing from my mouth. “Yeah, I’ll come to your airshow. When is it?”
“Tomorrow night, in Canterlot.”
I frowned and shook my head. “We’re headed to the Crystal Empire tonight. I’m not sure we’ll be back in time.”
“Hey, you better not be thinking of finding another mare or I’ll kick your flank! When I get back here, you better be ready for the ride of your life as thanks for your patience!” I exclaimed. Several ponies from nearby tables heard what I said.
Oh my god, did I really just say that?
[Omigosh omigosh omigosh! Yes, you did! You’re so awesome! I’m finally gonna score!]
What? No! Not while I’m riding shotgun!
“Anyway, I’m supposed to pack and stuff so I better get going.” I stood up and got ready to leave by placing a few bits on the table.
[Give him a kiss goodbye! Give him a kiss!]
Come on. . . after last time? No thanks. This whole lunch has confused the hell out of me.
[Please, just one!]
I could hear the pleading in her voice and grit my teeth. I walked around the table to him. Soarin glanced down and back up at me. “Dash, I uh. . . am going to stay for dessert.” He smiled and remained seated.
“Alright, I just. . .” I took a deep breath and steeled my resolve. One quick peck, for Dash. “I just wanted to give you a kiss goodbye, for luck. Not that I need it! I mean, what could possibly go wrong in the Crystal—”
I was interrupted as he leaned forward and pushed his lips against mine, catching me off-guard. I stopped my hoof that had traveled halfway to his face to knock him out, and froze in place. His lips were warm and pressed firmly against mine, causing a pleasant tingling sensation.
He broke the kiss and leaned back. “Thanks, Dash. Good luck in—”
My foreleg was still in mid-air, and I stepped forward, grabbing onto him. The words died on his lips as I tilted my head and wrapped both hooves around his neck. My tongue reached into his mouth as he gasped. I began to swirl my tongue around his, savoring the sweet taste of salad dressing and saliva in his mouth.
I held him there for a minute, enjoying the rush of warmth and excitement. There was a pleasant feeling of a shared bond between us. When I came up for air with a loopy smile on my face, I realized what I had done.
I had just made out with Soarin, by choice.
“So yeah, gotta fly!” I turned around and took off towards Dash’s house as fast as I could.
[So awesome! Don, I was wrong all along, you’re totally the most awesome person ever!]
Not now, Dash!
[And the way you kissed him—]
Shut the fuck up! I just kissed a stallion!
[. . .]
I reached the house, ran up to her room, and jumped on the bed. I crawled under the blankets and resisted the urge to curl up in a ball and cry.
I’m still a man, dammit. Don’t cry!
[Don. . . I’m sorry. Look, I know Soarin is a sore subject, but what you did for me was really sweet. Thank you.]
You’re welcome.
I laid there, curled up and holding back tears. There I remained, safely hidden from the world, until I fell asleep. All my worries about the loss of my identity faded as I let blackness close in and whisk me away. I began to dream of my life back home on Earth. For that one blissful nap I dreamt I was at my job in the hospital. I was bored, and there were no good patients to treat. At one point, I lost my pants and my co-workers laughed at me.
Still, that brief dream felt like a memory of something I had lost long ago. It was bittersweet—both a blessing and a reminder of all I had lost.
By the time I woke up, Dash had already prepared for our trip to the Crystal Empire. It was very disconcerting to know another person could go do stuff with your body while you were asleep. On the bright side, she had likely done all the packing and dropped anything she wanted off with Twilight.
Right now, she was knocking on a familiar door. Sure enough, Scootaloo opened it seconds later.
“Dash? Or is it,” Scootaloo glanced behind her to make sure her parents wouldn’t hear, “Don?”
“It’s me, Dash.” Dash pulled her in for a quick hug. “Listen, I’ve got to go to the Crystal Empire on important business and I need you to watch Tank for me. Can you handle that, Squirt?”
“Of course I can! Why, it’ll be like the time we helped Spike pet-sit,” Scootaloo said.
“Wait, when was that?” Dash asked.
“Oh, I forgot we weren’t supposed to mention that. It was when you went for the Equestrian Games and Spike was supposed to watch the pets, but really he just wanted to eat a cake or something. He paid us a gem to watch the pets and we got this awesome industrial strength blow dryer!”
[These kids could really use some adult supervision.]
“Heh, sounds like another normal day for the Crusaders. So, you can handle one turtle right? Anything happens to him, and you’ll answer to me, Squirt!”
Dash grabbed her and began to give her a noogie in her mane. As she rubbed the hoof in, Scootaloo squirmed and giggled beneath the assault. “Stop it, Dash!”
The laughter faded and Dash pulled off her saddlebags, which matched her cutie mark. Tank was inside one of the bags with his head poking out. “Here ya go, Squirt.”
“So, they’re gonna fix you at the Crystal Empire?”
“No, Squirt, this is something different. But when we get back, Twilight will think of something.”
“I wish I could help, but I can’t, unless. . .” Scootaloo’s eyes went wide in delight. “The Crusaders might be able to figure out how to fix you!”
“Hey, don’t do anything reckless while I’m gone.”
“I won’t!” She smiled and lifted the bags up and set them inside the house. Scootaloo returned to the door. “Bye, Dash. Oh, and Don, you better not let anything bad happen to her or I’ll never forgive you!”
“Hey! Don is the one who needs me to protect him! Now get going you little rascal.”
Scootaloo chuckled and closed the door. Dash then flew towards the train station, where Twilight and the other girls should be waiting with our luggage.
[That filly is too cute. At this rate I’ll be begging to stay in Equestria just to keep an eye on her.]
That’d be quite a sight. Could you imagine something so ridiculous as a human in Equestria? I mean, big, hairless apes walking around, using their fingers to rub our bellies? Hahahaha.
Dash landed at the train platform and immediately went over to see Twilight. “Hey! So we’re all set to go kick some flank?”
She looked at us and smiled. “Yeah, Dash. I just got word from Celestia that she’ll meet us there to check on you. There probably won’t be any flank to kick, though. We’re still hoping Cadence and Shining just got sidetracked and forgot to send regular status updates to Celestia.”
“Well, I know better than that. In every movie I’ve seen, when someone stops sending letters, they’re either dead or chained up in a basement with a hacksaw and some poisoned cigarettes.”
Twilight tilted her head to the side and cocked an eyebrow.
[You should tell her about Freddy Krueger. I bet she won’t sleep once throughout the whole train ride.]
“Sorry, Twi. Guess I’m reading Don’s thoughts again. He sure has a fascination with movies about murder and mayhem.”
“Yeah, I’m getting that. For an entity that just ‘accidently’ appeared inside you, he sure seems awfully violent and hostile.”
[Hey, that’s not fair! It’s my species that loves murder and mayhem. I’m innocent!]
Not a very good argument. Besides, I think cinemas in Equestria could benefit from a few movies that aren’t all happy fairy tales.
[You have movies? Are you going to tell me you’re holding out television on me too?]
It’s not holding out, how would I get any channels in my cloud house?
[How do you even get electricity in your house? You have a fridge, lights, even a freaking microwave! And yet, you’ve got dirt roads, outhouses, and ponies who live a century in the past.]
Duh! It’s a cloud house. You know, the stuff that makes thunderstorms. Anyway, most ponies who move to Ponyville do it to get away from that busy hustle of city life, and the non-stop ‘inventions’ unicorns are making in Manehattan. Why, the last project they worked on there blew up a small mountain.
[Wow, I wonder what they were inventing. I hope it involved using a particle accelerator and sliced bread to create a cold fusion reactor.]
You know, being stuck with you in my head is like getting a free college education. Granted, half the stuff is useless trivia, but I bet just using big words like ‘cold fusion’ would be enough to make Twilight’s jaw drop.
[Go for it, though you might want to get on the train first.]
Huh?
Dash looked over at the train which was pulling away from the platform. “Hey, Dash, come on!” Twilight shouted.
She ran over to the train and jumped inside. “Thanks. Why didn’t you get me sooner?”
“You zoned out while I was explaining a theory I had on long-distance teleportation, which is pretty normal for you, Dash.”
“I was actually talking to Don, but no need to repeat yourself. I’m sure it’s fascinating but I’d rather fly than teleport anyday.”
Dash followed her to the seating area of the train. The six mares shared one car on the train, and there appeared to be a few private rooms. Each consisted of a sliding door and small bunk. A placard on the wall announced this train as the ‘20th Century Limited’.
“Ah reckon we should just ignore it, she’ll keep zonin’ out ‘til we get that human out of her head,” Applejack observed.
“Huh?” I asked. I felt myself assert control as I had many times before. The sheer randomness of it always left me a little unsettled.
“Fascinating,” Twilight said. Her horn was glowing as she sent a shiver down my spine. “For a brief moment I could sense the switch. Would you mind me casting a spell to monitor you twenty-four hours a day? If I can observe enough of the switches, I might be able to learn how to control them.”
“Uh, spying on me 24/7 sounds pretty creepy. Like, stalker levels of creepy,” I said.
[Yeah, I’ll agree with you there, Dude.]
“You realize that my monitoring you is the best chance I have at figuring out how to fix this,” Twilight explained.
“Yeah, but how much would you monitor? We’ve had some. . . awkward situations, and I’m fairly certain Dash and I don’t need you watching what is already embarrassing enough.”
Twilight shook her head. “You’ve got it wrong, I’m not spying. If I wanted to do that, I’d have planted a small crystal in your bedroom above the headrest of your bed. This is just a spell to alert me if you change places, by detecting the spike in electrical activity from the neo-cortex as your perception shifts.”
“Well, in that case. . . Wait, what do you mean a crystal above my bed? Were you spying on us?!” I pointed a hoof at her and scowled.
“Huh? It was just an expression!”
[An oddly specific one!]
“Yeah!” I added.
“What?” Twilight asked. “Yes to what?”
“You’re spying on us, aren’t you? You could have just said ‘cast a spell’ but you said a crystal above my bed. It was too specific!”
Twilight began to blush and I saw an eyelid twitch.
[Yeah, we got her on the ropes! Serves her right for watching what I do in the privacy of my own bedroom.]
“I’m sorry, Dash.”
“I’m Don.”
Twilight groaned. “Sorry, Don! I just wanted to keep an eye on you when you started acting odd.”
“Well, then answer me one question: did you touch yourself while I was in bed with that large—”
“Girls!” Applejack interrupted. “Ain’t no need to be gettin’ vulgar. Now, Twilight says she’s sorry and ah doubt she’s spyin’ on ya while you and Soarin were makin’ rainbooms in the bedroom.”
“What?!” I shouted. “But I. . . We never. . . No! Soarin hasn’t gotten lucky yet! I mean, he’s not going to ever!”
I sat down and crossed my arms, feeling my face blush and radiate heat. I was so embarrassed, and it was made worse by the fact Dash was mortified at being spied on.
“No need to get yer panties in a bunch,” Applejack said.
“Phrasing!” I moaned and rolled my eyes. Looking down I realized I was sitting like a stallion again, legs wide open. Then again, stallions were rather well endowed and I doubt they sat with their legs open either.
Pinkie walked in and could sense the tension in the air from the several awkward directions the conversation had taken. “Hey, let’s sing a song! That’ll cheer everypony up!”
[Here we go again.]
“Do you have any idea how crazy it is that ponies break out in song and dance randomly? Let alone that you know the lyrics to songs you could never have heard before, Pinkie!”
“Oh silly, music isn’t some mysterious, unknowable force shaping the universe. It has rules, common meters, rhyming lyrics, and stanzas. It isn’t such a stretch to figure out what the rest of a song is after hearing a few lines!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Everypony, even Twilight, looked at her in shock. We all knew she wasn’t just some pony that loved to party, and that she had some unexplained—possibly supernatural—abilities and insights. For all of that, we never imagined the reason she was so damn good at singing was logical and easy to understand.
“Well, that still doesn’t explain why you all start singing.”
“Ah reckon it’s just fun,” Applejack explained. “Singin’ can bring us all together and cheer us up.”
“As much as I hate to admit it, even a proper lady simply must sing from time to time,” Rarity added.
“I’m outta here,” I said. I got up and walked towards the exit to the next car.
“Where are you going, silly filly?” Pinkie asked.
I looked out the window. “Looks like we’re goin’ round the mountain.” I heard a melody from behind me and turned to see Pinkie with a guitar.
“Gotcha, Don!” Pinkie began playing the chords to a familiar song, and I’ll be damned, I couldn’t resist.
She’s the devil, Dash. We need some holy water and a blessed crucifix.
“She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes!” Pinkie sang.
[Better just sing it and get it over with.]
No. . . I will resist. . .
I felt something soft brush against my side. The smooth warmth passed me by in a second, as Fluttershy stepped in front of me. “She’ll be carried by six white stallions when she comes,” she added.
My infatuation with her returned in full force, overpowering my desire not to break out in a song. Part of me knew I had to impress Fluttershy. Heck, if I didn’t sing it, Pinkie would, and I’ll not have her butchering Earth music—not on my watch.
“Oh we’ll all go out to meet her when she comes,”I sang.
Dash had a lovely voice, able to hit notes I never could have as a human. She still had this boyish accent that betrayed her rough and tumble nature, but it was endearing.
“Yes we’ll kill the old red rooster when she comes.”
They failed to notice my choice of words. “We’ll be wearin’ pink pajamas when she comes!” Pinkie replied.
I had taken a seat next to Fluttershy after the singing was over. Despite the obvious black magic of Pinkie Pie, the diversion had lightened the mood and caused my worries to melt away. I felt like I was actually a part of this circle of close-knit friends, and realized it was something I had been missing out on back on Earth.
“So, then Dash’s face is red as an apple and she’s backing up against the vanity mirror. She’s clad head to toe in a maid’s outfit, and the door swings open!” Rarity pantomimed with her hooves, showing them what I had looked like.
Applejack and Fluttershy were laughing, while Twilight and Pinkie had actually been there. “I knew Dashie was in there!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Yeah, well don’t tell Dash, but I actually liked that maid’s outfit. So smooth and tight in all the right places.” I leaned over towards Rarity and nuzzled her side. “You really ought to tie me up again in your dungeon sometime, mistress.”
Rarity looked at me in shock, her mouth flopping open like a fish. “But I. . . We never. . . Dash!”
[Ahaha! Good one, Don!]
We all began to laugh again, this time with Rarity. Between the singing and censored stories of Dash’s and my adventures, it was nearly night time. The Crystal Empire was still hours away and we would reach it in the morning.
“Ah can see why it’s been so awkward for ya, Don,” Applejack added.
“Yeah, and imagine poor Dash. Everytime something bad happens, one of us is stuck back there watching it, powerless to make it stop!”
My stomach began to cramp up and grumble. I bent over and pushed a hoof into it, trying to alleviate the pain.
“Don, are you alright?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah. I don’t know, but maybe it’s something I ate,” I replied.
Twilight’s horn flared and she giggled. “Looks like somepony has indigestion. Did you eat some spoiled vegetables?”
“No, I ate bac—”
[NO! Hey, the bacon was a one-time thing. They don’t need to know about it. Just thinking about it is disgusting!]
You weren’t complaining at breakfast.
[Yeah, well you were totally forcing me to enjoy it with your mind!]
That was sorta the point, on account of the whole Soarin dream.
[Fair enough, but, uh. . . just tell them I had brussel sprouts and broccoli. Even I don’t like those vegetables.]
“What, Dash?” Twilight prompted.
“Brussel sprouts and broccoli. Is there a restroom on this train?” I asked.
“Yeah, in the back.”
I got up and walked towards the toilet, my stomach growling the whole time.
You didn’t tell me your stomach would get upset if I ate meat.
[I’m a vegetarian, with flat teeth! You must have sucked at math in school if you can’t put two and two together.]
I made it to the tiny train restroom and managed to slide the door closed behind me. This was the first time I had to really look at a toilet and figure out how to use it. The shape was intimidating, but it wasn’t that different from one back on Earth. It had some clever features to keep my tail out of the way and allow me to keep all four hooves on the ground. For what was coming, having an extra two legs to brace myself with could prove useful.
After steadying myself, I felt the cramping reach its peak. In what I could only assume the conductor heard at the front of the train, my body was relieved of the bacon.
[Holy shit, Dude! That smell! It’s like you cooked a skunk using cow pies!]
It’s not over yet—
I could have sworn the train shook after the second wave. Part of me wondered if it came out rainbow-colored like my mane, yet I was far too mortified to look.
This is a nightmare! Where’s the freaking flush handle?
[You step on it with your hoof. Hurry, this stench is gonna make my hair fall out.]
Which hoof?
[The back one, moron! Hurry up!]
I couldn’t hold my breath much longer and just kicked back with my right hoof. It hit a pedal and I heard water filling the bowl.
Whew, there we go.
[Wait. . . that’s the water! You want the pedal to open the drain to the septic tank!]
What do y—
“FUCK!” I screamed as fluid seeped out of the bowl. I took my hoof off the pedal and tried to fly inside the confined space. “Shit! I’m not a pony! Get me outta here!” I banged on the door in my panic, trying to escape the mess.
[Left pedal, left pedal!]
I looked down at the swamp below me. I determined I broke the toilet, as the water was continuing to rise carrying my breakfast with it.
Like hell!
[Man up and flush it, dammit!]
I looked down at the flush pedal and stopped flapping. As I landed with a splash, my hoof connected and I heard the toilet open up and start emptying. I had to close my eyes as I shivered at the thought of what just happened. After a minute had passed and I heard nothing but air being sucked down, I opened my eyes to assess the damage.
A small drain in the floor had gotten rid of the excess water, and the toilet was empty. As for my tail and lower legs, I was not in any luck.
[Just lean up onto the sink and clean out my tail.]
This bathroom is like two feet wide! How the hell am I supposed to get up there?
[I don’t know! Just do it!]
If it’s so easy, why don’t you?
[Fine, let’s go ask Fluttershy to do it.]
I gritted my teeth. Damn you, that’s dirty! Fine, I’ll figure out someway to clean this up so I don’t embarass you in front of your friends.
[Are you kidding? I bet the only reason they haven’t knocked to check on us is they’re too busy laughing from the sounds alone!]
I began washing out our tail and hooves with soap and water, using a combination of flying, hoof-standing, head-standing, and even a backward arching dog—or some variation of yoga—to get the last remnants off of me.
My hoof hit the lever to open the door and nothing happened. Having been in the room for several minutes had done little to dull the smell, and I began pounding on it. “The door is stuck! Twilight? Somepony? Let me out!”
I continued pounding at the door until I finally heard her on the other side. “Dash, it’s Twilight, are you okay?”
“The door is stuck! Magic it open!” I shouted.
“Dash, the door is locked, just unlock it and open it,” she replied.
“No, it’s stuck, it’s—”
I heard the lock click and the door slid open, revealing Twilight standing there with a smile. As quickly as she had opened the door for me, her face turned to one of horror and she backed up, eager to escape the stench.
Unfortunately for her, I was so grateful to be out of the lavatory that I dove forward and hugged her. “Thank you, thank you! You saved me!” I gripped her like a vice.
“Gah! Dash, get off me! You smell like death!”
“I know, I thought I was a goner!”
I heard hoofsteps and saw Rarity walking towards us. Twilight used her magic to close the door and lock it. “Everything alright back here, girls?” Rarity asked.
“Uh, everything’s under control. Situation normal,” I replied. I climbed off Twilight and began to examine myself. Dash’s fur was clean, and we hadn’t been hurt. All that was left was to keep Rarity from walking into the warzone.
“What happened?” Rarity asked.
“Uh, we had a slight lavatory malfunction, but, uh. . . everything’s perfectly alright now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?”
“Oh, I need to use the mare’s room.”
I glanced around nervously to see if there was another bathroom. “Uh, negative! That toilet had a leak. Give it a few minutes to, uh, vent. Very large pipe leak, very foul.”
Rarity frowned. “It’s rather urgent.” She took a step forward.
“Go to the conductor’s car!” Twilight exclaimed. “Trust me,” she said pleading.
“You two are so odd,” Rarity observed.
After she had gone, I thanked Twilight and followed her to the front end of the car.
“Don, are you okay? You look a little pale,” Fluttershy asked.
“Yeah, just the usual, rough day,” I replied.
“Alright, girls, there are only three bunks in the car so we’ll have to share,” Twilight said.
“What? That’s stupid. What about the car behind us?” I inquired.
“It’s got a few guards and some supplies, in case we find that there has been a fire or other disaster. Granted, if you’d like to share a bed with a stallion you—”
“Don’t finish that sentence!” I barked.
“Heh, alright. As I was saying, I’ll share a bed with Applejack. Pinkie and Fluttershy can share a bed, and you can share with Rarity,” Twilight explained.
“No!” I looked over at Fluttershy. “Can I share a bunk with you?”
[Dude, don’t even!]
“Eep!” Fluttershy looked at me and blushed a little. “Why me?”
“You’ve been really nice to me, and I feel more comfortable around you. I barely know Rarity, and that was from her fitting lingerie on me. Please?”
“I could never say no to Dashie, and I guess you count as her too, Don. You can trade places with Pinkie.”
“Awesome! I’ll go tell Rarity the good news!” Pinkie said. “We’ll get to gossip all night long!”
[Ugh, this is going to be Dodge Junction all over again.]
Wait, you just left her behind? That’s rather unlike you.
[Yeah, but read the rest of the memory. I was a little pre-occupied at the time.]
Still, not one of the four of you thought ‘hey, let’s go back and get Rarity and Pinkie!’
[Ugh, can we just drop it? I’m more concerned with you and Fluttershy.]
Look, I’m not gonna try anything, that’s the truth. I like her, but it’s because she’s so kind and gentle. I feel safe with her because you two are such good friends.
[You won’t make a single remark about her delicious flanks?]
Nope, but I may think it a little.
I chuckled and looked around, noticing everypony but Twilight and Applejack had gone to the small private bunks at the very front of the car. Fluttershy was in the first one and I walked inside. It was basically a cubby with a bed and a door. There was a single window, and plenty of bedding and blankets.
“Wow, talk about trying to save space,” I said.
“If it’s too small I’ll sleep outside on the floor,” Fluttershy stated.
“What? No way! Who would be so mean as to do that to you?” I asked.
“Oh, I just meant that I could be nice and let you have the bunk, if it’s too weird.”
“No, it’s not weird. Look, I know I’m just some ‘human’ to all of you, but I just want to get a comfortable rest. The best sleep I got since I wound up here was at your house after the massage.”
“You had a concussion, and I didn’t let you sleep,” Fluttershy corrected.
“Ugh, that’s besides the point. Look, if you’re uncomfortable, I’ll go find a place to sleep outside.”
“No, if you’re not uncomfortable than I’m not.”
I moved around and got under the covers. Using an imaginary line drawn down the middle I tried to stay on ‘my side’ of the bunk. However, between the wings and hooves I couldn’t get enough room. It felt like I just kept kicking poor Fluttershy.
“Ugh, how does Dash deal with these freakin wings and four legs?! There isn’t enough room in here.” I was getting frustrated and it must have been visible in my furrowed brow.
“Don, relax,” Fluttershy cooed. She got up and closed the door to the bunk. “Look, maybe you can hide how scared you are from the others, maybe even Dash to an extent. But I know a scared animal when I see one, and you’re afraid of being stuck in her body.”
I looked at her and my jaw fell open. “What? I’m not. . . Twilight’s going to fix it!”
[Wait, you’re scared? Why didn’t I notice?]
Fluttershy got under the blanket next to me. “You use your humor and pranks to deflect it, and I understand you tease us girls because of it, but that’s okay. I think what you need is to be comforted a little.”
“No way, I’m not some foal! I’m a man, I don’t need taken care of!” I exclaimed.
“Listen to yourself: you wanted to share a bunk with me and nopony else, and I don’t think it was to tease Dash or to score. I think you needed a—”
“If you say ‘a hug’ so help me I’ll jump out this window.”
Fluttershy giggled and I felt her sneak her way past my last defenses, protecting the human ideal of masculinity. “Okay, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes all it takes for one of my sick animals to get better is knowing that somepony else will take care of them. Then they don’t have to worry, and they feel safe for a night.”
“Uh, I’m not sick. Dash, back me up here!” I said.
[I thought you wanted to get closer to her. Besides, she’s right. Your brain’s a mess. That whole side of our mind is like tangled spaghetti. Why do you think I don’t like reading your mind much? It’s so confusing.]
“Don, lay down.” Fluttershy looked at me and smiled, a hint of command in her voice.
I got under the covers and sighed. I nearly jumped when I felt her wrap her legs around me and cuddle. My heart began to beat quicker as she gently held me in her legs. I wondered if Dash would get angry at me for spooning, yet she said nothing and seemed to enjoy it. The bed did suddenly feel much safer and warmer.
“Shhh,” she cooed in my ear. “Tomorrow will be a busy day, who knows what we’ll find. Just relax and go to sleep. I promise to watch over you.”
My mind began to get hazy as we seemed to melt together. She draped her wing over my side and I found we didn’t even need the blanket. I was comfortable and content. For the first time since my arrival there was not a hint of fear or worry in my mind.
Dash yawned and stretched. I could still feel Fluttershy clinging to us, and Dash had curled into a ball. It was comfortable, but almost nauseating in its cuteness. The absolute warmth under the blanket made me wish we never had to wake up.
On the other hoof, being stuck in the back of her head could get old quickly. True, there were good moments in Equestria, but most involved me being in control. When I wasn’t in control things could get. . . interesting.
The dream we just had was a good example. In it I was giving Rainbow Dash a massage with my fingers. Normally I’d have been glad just to be in control of my own body again, even if it was just a dream. I went on to massage her and make sure it ended quite happily for both of us. But embarrassingly, upon waking up I realized that we had both had the same dream.
Still freaking out, Dude?
[We agreed not to talk about it again.]
When I said that, I didn’t think you’d sit back there brooding about it. It was just a dream, albeit a shared one. That massage you gave me felt better than a real one, if that makes you feel better.
[I’m not brooding about that. Hell, it was pretty fun. I’m fed up with being stuck here inside your head. I feel like I’m being squashed, that I can’t breathe or move. And the only time I don’t feel that way is when I’m in control. Except, each time I take control I feel more and more like you and less like me.]
Oh. Well, I can’t offer you much comfort there. I don’t want to lose who I am either, so we’ll just have to tough this out until it gets fixed. Twilight said Celestia was meeting us here. Maybe she can fix it.
[I hope so. The longer this goes on the harder it is to stay optimistic.]
I felt Fluttershy’s leg twitch, and she pulled Dash in tighter.
Ugh, we need to wake up. We’ll be at the train station any minute.
[At least the sheet dried out. Fluttershy will be none the wiser as to how much you enjoyed my massage.]
Heh, I’ll let that slide if you promise to stop brooding. We’re finally on the same page and I plan to fix this mess before we start bickering over which of my friends has the cutest ass again.
[Not much to bicker about; it’s Fluttershy, hooves down.]
I’m never gonna hear the end of that, am I?
[Nope, Fluttershy is my best friend. Uh, I mean. . . yours? Damn it.]
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m sure when you get out of this she’ll be both of our best friends. Heck, I bet you’d make a cute mare if we can’t get your human body back.
[Don’t joke like that! Unless you’re planning on a three way with Fluttershy, in which case my manhood is a small price to pay.]
Dash groaned out loud and then wiggled her way out of Fluttershy’s grip.
Three days you’ve been stuck with me and somehow you’re still thinking with your dick. Twilight would be fascinated to study how that’s even possible.
She got up and stretched out, then began to preen her wings. Dash was able to quickly straighten out her feathers and hair. Fluttershy woke up long enough to roll over, and buried her head under a wing.
[Huh, I had her pegged as a morning pony.]
Dash took the covers in her mouth and slid them back over Fluttershy. She opened the train door and headed towards the restroom. On the way, she reached into her saddlebags and brought out a toothbrush and some toothpaste.
A loud horn sounded three times, signaling our arrival at the Crystal Empire. Dash ignored it while brushing her teeth with what seemed to be broccoli flavored toothpaste. As long as I didn’t burp broccoli for the rest of the day I decided not to bug Dash about the unholy paste.
Once Dash was done getting ready—and boring me to death—she put away her brush and put on her saddlebags. Fluttershy was the last to wake up and get ready, but Dash got off the train as soon as it stopped.
“Hey, Twilight, is it just me, or did they move the train station?” Dash asked.
“Oh, good morning, Dash. Did you know the Crystal Empire re-appeared nearly five miles from where it vanished? They had to re-route the train track and build a whole new train station,” Twilight explained.
“So, they moved the train station?”
“Yes. Teams from the Coltington Northern Santa-Mare railroad—”
Dash let her mind wander and started thinking about Soarin, and the many ways they could spend a romantic date together.
[Not that I’m complaining about you blocking out Twilight. I mean, railroads? Who cares? But do you really have to fantasize about Soarin while I’m back in here?]
Sorry, Dude, force of habit. One time when she was explaining how the Elements of Harmony worked, I fantasized so long about Soarin and I imagined us having two foals.
[Oh. My. Celestia. That’s way too much information.]
Heh, haven’t you ever fantasized of raising a family?
[I think that’s more of a female thing. I’ve fantasized about settling down with a nice mare—human, and starting a family. No creepy specifics.]
Dash shifted her weight to the other side of her body, rubbing her thighs together.
Yeah, well I’m in heat and foaling is all I’m going to think about, until you let me scratch that itch.
[Come on, don’t joke like that!]
Haha. Lighten up, your manhood is safe. I’m sure they’ll take you out before I give birth.
[You’re my kind of messed up, you know that? Now pay attention to Twilight. Her mouth has stopped moving.]
“Eeyup,” Dash said. She stared at Twilight, who seemed content at her answer.
“Ready to go, girls?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, I think we should head out. The atmosphere here is rather unsettling,” Rarity observed.
Applejack looked around and was able to see empty houses and vacant streets in every direction. The guards disembarking the train with supplies were the only signs of life. The conductor even parked the train right there at the station, confident no other train would need to be pulled in anytime soon. “Ah reckon we’ll need a base camp.”
“The Sapphire Inn is only a block from the train station. Flash,” Twilight called out.
One of the guards trotted over and saluted. “Princess?”
“Take a squad of guards to secure the inn. We’ll be there shortly with the rest of the guards and supplies.”
“Alright, mares!” Flash yelled to the guards. “Double time it to the inn, three teams, sweep and clear. Let’s move!”
The guards grabbed weapons suited to their race. The two unicorns levitated actual swords into their scabbard, and trotted towards the inn. Pegasi carried something akin to wrist blades attached to their forelegs. I was surprised to see the earth ponies not carrying anything.
“Why do they call them mares like that’s a bad thing!?” Pinkie said. “I never understood that. We’re, like, twice as strong as any of them!”
“You’re right,” Dash said. “You’d think a matriarchal society would hold females in higher regard. If anything, history has proven stallions to be expendable. Mares are responsible for carrying and raising the young, which could theoretically be done with a single stallion. Were the mares to go to war and only a few return, hundreds of stallions would be useless if there were only three mares left.”
Twilight’s eyes went wide and she gasped. “Dash? Do you study hippology?”
“No, I had a class on anthropology, though,” Dash said.
“Don?” Twilight asked.
“No, it’s me, Dash. Why are you acting so surprised? Am I not allowed to learn a thing or two from Don?”
“No, I didn’t mean that at all! I’m just taken back to hear all of that coming from you.”
“As much as I’d like to stand here and discuss philosophy, I’d rather get going.” Rarity stated. “It’s rather cold out here.”
Dash grabbed her saddlebags and all the assembled ponies began to walk towards the nearby inn. There were several small conversations going on between everypony when I felt my consciousness shifting. It had been getting easier to detect—there was a slight sensation of déjà vu, and all the sights and sounds seemed to shift for a second. Then, I would be in control of the body. I still had no idea how to control it, but the slight warning allowed me to take control a little more smoothly. It wouldn’t be good to have another mid-flight freefall towards our death, after all.
“Whew, it’s nice to stretch my legs. Or rather Dash’s,” I said.
“Hey, Don. I guess it’s your turn to be in control. Would you like a cupcake?” Pinkie asked.
“Sure, as long as you pull it out of your mane,” I joked.
“Where else would I store my cupcakes?” Pinkie tilted her head and scratched behind her ear. She then pulled out the treat. “It’s got rainbow sprinkles!”
“I, uh. . . what can I say? You’re just so random, Pinkie.” I took the cupcake and tossed it in my mouth. The rush of sugar was amazing, but served only to make my stomach grumble. “Hmm, I suppose we should get some breakfast.”
“I brought some alfalfa bars, if you’d like one, Don,” Fluttershy offered.
“Hey thanks, Fluttershy!” She pulled out a candy bar and winced in pain. “Hey, you okay?”
“Oh, I slept on my neck wrong. One of my shoulders is aching too.”
“I’ll give you a massage when we get to the inn. How about that? I mean, it can’t be that hard to give a pony a massage.”
“Hehe, okay.” Fluttershy gave me the alfalfa snack and I ate it. The bar was much more filling than the cupcake, and strangely tasted just as delicious.
If I get back to Earth and find out I’m a vegetarian, I’m gonna walk back to Equestria and force-feed you bacon for revenge.
[Ugh, never again, Dude. You can keep your meat and indigestion; I’m sticking to veggies.]
I followed Pinkie into the inn, where I saw the guards and my friends spreading out and setting up camp in the different rooms. Before I could find Fluttershy again, Pinkie approached me. “You wanna pull pranks on the guards, Dashie?”
“Sure,” I answered. “What do you have in mind?” She had a wicked smirk on her face. As I looked at Pinkie, I realized she had just called me Dashie by mistake, not Don. I hadn’t hesitated a second to reply.
“I said hurry!” Pinkie grabbed me and tugged me in towards the first vacant room on the ground floor. She closed the door and went over to the bed. “Okay, we just have to put some itching powder in the sheets.”
“Why not short sheet the guard?” I asked.
“Oh, did you bring some shorter sheets?”
“No, you just have to fold it a certain way.”
“Like origami?”
“You know what, I’ll just show you.” I walked over to her and pulled the comforter off. I then took the top sheet blanket off and pulled it to the top of the bed. It was wrinkled and rather hard to tuck in at the top, and Pinkie just stood there watching. “You could get the other side, you know?”
“Okie dokie lokie!” She grabbed the other end and tucked it under the top. “There, but isn’t the guard just gonna sleep on top of it?”
“Not after we do this.” I folded the sheet in half, and we tucked it in. We smoothed out both sides.
“I think he’ll notice how small it is.”
“Oh ye of little faith,” I chuckled. “Come on, pull the comforter up. Oh, and sprinkle some powder in there first.”
She put some itching powder in and then helped me put the comforter on top. “I get it now, it looks normal but he won’t be able to get in until he remakes the bed, and gets covered in powder! Where’d you learn that, Dashie?”
“It’s Don,” I corrected her. “And I learned it on Earth.”
“Oh, sorry, Don. It’s just, that way you furl your eyebrows and then smirk, it’s so. . . well, you. I don’t know anypony that pulls off that look of mischief quite like Dashie!”
“I am sort of sharing her body.”
[You don’t seem too disturbed that she mistook you for me. She knew it was you when she gave you the cupcake, Dude.]
I’m just tired of worrying. I’ve been so exhausted lately. So it’s like you said, I’m not gonna worry about something I can’t control. I don’t want to end up like Twilight did with her Want-it Need-it spell, or Pinkie beforeher birthday party. Seriously, who talks to rocks?
[Hey now, don’t get complacent. It may feel natural but we have to remember who we are. I’m the super cool stunt pony and you’re the snarky human.]
Eh, yeah. Tell you what: let’s meet Celestia, figure out why everypony vanished, and then when we get back I’ll touch you in the tub for old time’s sake. You know, make sure I’m still me and that I can get under your skin.
[Oh god, you’re never gonna change, are you? I’ll, uh. . . consider it. just resist the urge to be me. I know it’s hard, but there can only be one Rainbow Dash.]
I shook my head and realized I was in another room. Pinkie must have dragged me into it while I was having my chat with Dash.
“Okay, what should we do to this pony?” Pinkie asked.
“Hmm. . .” I looked at her saddlebag. “How much super glue did you bring?”
She smiled. “Oh, Dashie—I mean Don, you know me so well! I have triple-industrial strength in a herd-size bottle!”
“Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do: You superglue all the furniture in here to the ceiling, then climb under the covers on the upside-down bed and take a nap. When the guard comes in, freak out and yell at him for walking on your ceiling.”
“That’s so awesome! It’s gonna take a long time to glue it all up there though. Good thing I brought Gummy to help.” She pulled the gator out of her hair and set him down on the floor.
While Pinkie began her labor of love with the wooden furniture and glue products—which, for the record, I had to wonder how it was made if not from the hooves of animals—I snuck out the door.
[Wow, great thinking. I wish I’d thought of that. She’s usually really hard to get rid of.]
Why would you want to get rid of her? I bet if you asked her, she’d pull Soarin out of her mane and let you two bang.
[Har har. Now you’re just bluffing.]
Are you sure? I bet you twenty bits she’s got Soarin in her mane.
[I just. . . No, really? Could she fit a pony in her mane? She can fit a party cannon.]
I chuckled out loud as I walked around the corner into the lobby of the inn. What I saw caused me to freeze, though not in horror.
In front of me stood an alicorn easily three times my size. While Rarity’s fur was white, this one’s looked like it had never seen a spec of dirt or any other substance. It was so pure that even in the dimly-lit lobby, it was as if the sunlight was reflecting off her.
I recognized Celestia and felt the urge to kneel down. I had expected the princess to look like Twilight, and be of similar size.
“It’s good to see you, Don. I’ve heard much about you from my pupil,” Celestia said.
“H-how?” I muttered.
She chuckled and sat down, allowing me to look at her without hurting my neck. “It’s simple. Dash would not look so shocked to see me. Now. . .” Celestia’s smile vanished and I felt the temperature in the air drop. “What have you done to my little pony?”
My mouth flopped open as I searched for words. She looked menacing, and my attempts to ask Dash for help failed.
“Tia, you’re scaring him,” another voice said. A moment later, I saw an alicorn of midnight blues and blacks step out from behind the bar, levitating a bottle of scotch. “Doubtless the alien is not used to your ‘unique’ sense of humor. Like the time we once went to war with Griffonia over a bad knock knock joke.”
Celestia broke out laughing and patted me on my shoulder. “It’s true, though that particular two-week war had other factors involved. . . Don, how are you doing?”
[This is normally the part where you say, “I’m great, Dash has been super-nice to me and didn’t even care when I violated her!”]
Or I say, “Awesome, except for that time Dash showed me how to properly use a marital aid.”
[Touche. So we leave out the minutea?]
Deal.
“It’s been interesting. I mean, I butted heads constantly with Dash at first, and next thing I know Twilight says the more we bicker the better. Yet, she thinks I’m gonna turn into Dash if I’m not careful and bickering may be good.”
“I admit, I’ve never heard of two beings inhabiting one body permanently. I had a pupil once, Merlin Starswirl, who managed to astrally project himself into another pony’s mind temporarily. Though, that wasn’t truly a joining.”
“Interesting. So how’d he fix it?” I asked.
“It didn’t ‘need’ fixing. As I said, it was a simple spell. I only wish he’d left me more notes before he vanished.”
“Okay, well past pupils aside, you ever been to another planet or dimension?” I asked.
“No to both, but I know other dimensions exist. For all of magic’s power, only one entity has ever crossed that veil, and Equestria suffered greatly for it.” Celestia looked at me and smiled, putting me at ease. “Now, I’ll need to scan you and see if I can discern the nature of the magic at work.”
I nodded my head. “Sure, let me check if it’s cool with Dash.” I waited for her approval, then nodded again.
As her horn glowed I wondered if it would hurt, and shut my eyes tightly. I shivered and felt static electricity dancing on my skin. Deciding to open my eyes and see what was happening, I couldn’t. I felt frozen in time, as magic snaked its way through me.
I found myself in Dash’s mind again. As with Twilight, whatever magic spells they were casting on me highlighted my conciousness. Dash’s body turned to water, and I was the oil floating on the surface, unable to fully mix into her.
The webworks of memories became visible and I could feel a glowing white figure plucking them like guitar strings, exploring them. First Dash’s, then mine. Each memory she probed brought to mind an event from my past life. I recalled many things I had forgotten, such as my job or my pet.
Then she came to another, third set of memories: events we had experienced together. The tub, the time with Fluttershy, her bedroom, the trips into town, and Soarin. These memories connected me to her and vice versa. Faint memories lingered under these shared events, yet none of them were recoverable.
As Celestia toyed with these connections, I was able to sense Dash as if she were on the other side of a fence. I could sense her anxiety and worry and I felt the same way. To have another being in your mind felt incredibly invasive, as if I were turned inside out, naked, and on display.
Having Celestia able to read every memory I or Dash had ever had, I began to understand how Dash felt about me. I was uncomfortable having Celestia in my mind for a few minutes, yet I had been trapped in Dash’s mind for days. Just as she had only worried about her own hopes and dreams and getting rid of me, I had done the same to her. My cynicism and sarcasm alienated her, and likely hurt her, though she would bury such emotions deeply to hide them from me if it were true.
I felt Celestia withdraw from our minds and I was able to move again. My muscles were sore and I was shivering. The tingling from the spell finished and I had the urge to stretch my legs and prove I was real again, and not just a thought inside Dash’s head.
“Thank you, Don, that was rather enlightening. Are you okay?” Celestia asked.
“I think I will be. What the hell was that? It was. . . surreal,” I stated.
She nodded. “Magic to enter or read one's mind is taboo, only used with consent or for capital punishment. To have another being lay your thoughts open like a book to be read should not be taken lightly.”
“Yeah, I get the feeling I owe Dash an apology for imposing on her. However, I didn’t choose to be put in her brain. So you can pull me out now, right? And for the record, I don’t go poking around in her head, I swear!”
Celestia laughed and then pulled me in under her wing, letting her warmth soothe my muscles. “Don, I now know you as well as you know yourself. I know you had no malicious intent, even during your ‘late night’ adventures with Dash.”
[Oh shit. Kill me now.]
Hey, if you’re ashamed of that, imagine what she read in my mind.
“You know about that?” I asked.
“The memories you two have since joining are stronger than the memories you had separately. Dash’s stunts or your training in medicine are unique, separate memories. Dash doesn’t know medicine, and you don’t know how to fly. However, a memory such as taking a bath or eating lunch, you both shared.”
“Okay, so that’s bad, right?”
“Yes and no. Since there are two memories of every shared event. They’re much stronger and overwriting some of your memories from before you joined. Dash, your mind is doing all it can to preserve you both but there’s only so much room.”
I looked over at Twilight, who was listening to us intently. Next to her, Luna kept bumping a shot glass of alcohol against Twilight’s muzzle, trying to goad her into taking a drink. “A lot of what you’re saying sounds like what Twilight told us,” I realized.
“I’m afraid so. I’ll begin discussing with Luna and Twilight at once for a way to separate your memories. However, finding a place to put these memories will be difficult. Returning your memories, without a body to transport them back to another dimension to return you to your rightful home will be. . . very difficult.”
At this point I was too emotionally numb to really respond. I’d expected some glimmer of hope, and yet her statement that she could save my memories but not my body didn’t even qualify as a glimmer. What use was keeping a personality intact without a body to put it into?
“Don, please do not look so distressed. . .”
“I’m not,” I said. “I mean, I am. I just need some air. I dunno, maybe after that I’ll help with this whole search and rescue.”
“I understand. My guards can handle the search for Cadance and Shining. They likely took shelter in fear of some calamity. A thousand ponies do not just vanish overnight.”
“Isn’t this the Crystal Empire? You know, the entire empire that vanished for hundreds of years? So yeah, they kinda do. And here I thought my little body swap was strange. How do you guys lose an entire nation?” I asked.
“I hope you never meet the villain responsible for that,” Celestia admitted. “A guard will go with you. Do not wander far, Don. The empire may be empty, but we can not be careless. Something forced my niece into hiding, and it may still be out there.”
“Thanks. Well, I’m not really scared of a ghost town and I don’t plan to do more than walk around the block. I’ll be back in, like, ten minutes.”
I walked towards the door and noticed a pegasus following me. He followed me and glanced away, taking a sudden interest in his hooves. My tail continued to swoosh back and forth and I realized the implications that would have.
Poor stallion, got one of the best looking mares in Equestria in heat and he has to keep a stiff upper lip.
[That’s not all that’ll be stiff if you keep teasing him.]
Hey, it’s your body!
[And it’s you who is leading a horny stallion outside for alone time. Poor bastard probably thinks it’s his lucky day.]
Ugh, can’t we go two seconds without thinking about sex?
[Sure, after you.]
“Why is this all happening to me?” I asked out loud.
“Miss?” the guard stated.
I looked back and smiled at him. “I suppose you heard most of that conversation with Celestia?”
“Yeah.”
“Well then, I’m an alien male from another dimension. As sexy as my flanks are, don’t get any ideas, or the real Rainbow Dash will snap you like a twig.” I flicked my tail out of the way to watch him squirm one more time.
He cleared his throat. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
I started to trot around the block and enjoyed the crisp, fresh air. It was cold outside, yet my body was built for it. Before long, I had started to fly low to the ground, doing a few laps around the inn.
Celestia was true to her word. I saw a dozen pairs of guards fan out through the empire. A few of the Elements of Harmony were also searching, though staying closer to the inn. Apparently, Celestia wanted them to take a more passive approach, though I couldn’t see why. Since the Element of Loyalty didn’t work, that sort of made the entire set useless.
I climbed a little higher to get a better look around. The empire was massive, and almost everything was made of crystal. They had obsidian for roads, various shades and thicknesses of crystal for walls, and some wood mixed in for artistic appeal.
They were so expert at crafting the various kinds of crystal that one easily forgot almost everything around was made from the substance. I tried to estimate the value of all this crystal back on Earth. The fact they could only be formed under high heat and pressure, and that they had found such a variety, could only mean it’d be worth billions. The mines they would have had to dig to build this entire town could probably dwarf any mine on Earth easily.
I landed on the ground and heard an out-of-breath stallion land behind me. “Hey, soldier, you’re going to need more stamina than that to impress me,” I said mockingly.
[Wow, you’re insatiable. I thought you were cruel teasing me, but you’ve got that poor guard by the neck.]
What can I say? I’ve always wanted to tease someone but never had the correct assets to do so.
[It’s times like this I can almost forgive you for being such a jerk. Look at his face for meagain, it’s priceless!]
I glanced back at him, and his eyes darted from my flank to the nearby wall of a building in half a second. He walked right into a lamppost in his attempt to make it look like he wasn’t checking me out.
Oh wow, I hope I was never like that as a man.
[Don’t feel bad. All men are dogs.]
That’s rather pessimistic.
[Well, you didn’t do much to improve my opinion of them.]
Hey, let’s go inside and take a look around.
[Really? You want to go inside a toy store?]
I looked at the display in the window and saw a large model train set. There were also a variety of other inventions in the window, as well as various decks of card games.
Looks more like a hobby shop than a toy store to me. Perhaps I’ll grab the weirdest game in here and play it with Twilight.
[Don’t you dare! Last time we had a sleepover I had to play Stallions and Dragons for, like, eight hours!]
Sounds like a good night.
[You say that now, but you didn’t see that look of malice in her eyes as she rolled the damn dice behind her Game Mistress screen. She’s a different pony when role playing. She had a troll eat Fluttershy!]
Oh, now that’s low.
I looked around and came to a stop. The guard and I had already entered the toy shop. It was getting a little too easy to zone out while talking to Dash. We could get hurt if I kept on walking and not paying attention to where I was going. Then again, there were no ponies here to run us over with an apple cart or anything.
“Hey, guard person, I never did ask your name. Who are you?” I asked.
I turned towards the entrance to see what he was up to. I couldn’t find him. All that was there was the train set, the playing cards, and a wooden rocking horse.
“Guard? You taking a piss or something?”
I looked towards the cash register and saw something straight out of a picasso painting.
“Holy shit, who the fuck are you?!” I stumbled backwards as it turned and looked at me. It then began to sing into a microphone.
“Allow me to introduce myself: I’m a powerful and wealthy Draconequus. I’ve been around for a million years—”
“Stole many a pony’s soul and faith. Whoopty-fucking-do.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “So you’re smart enough to parody the Rolling Stones. Now, what the hell are you?” I demanded.
He chuckled loudly and looked at me, then his frown vanished.
[Fuck! What’s Discord doing here? Did the princesses ask him to help in the search?]
“My personal favorite was leading a blitzkrieg in Europe, and you didn’t let me get to that part” he added.
He doesn’t seem apt to cooperate, what is he?
[He’s the lord of chaos. Fluttershy helped us reform him to be less evil, but I bet he’d make the whole empire disappear for a prank.]
If he did that, wouldn’t Celestia just blow him up?
[Yeah, but she’s not here right now, is she? It’s just us, so try not to piss him off, okay?]
“You’ll get no sympathy from me, Discord,” I spat. “Dash doesn’t like you and I’m inclined to agree. What do you want? Did you come here to help Celestia in her search?”
“Now you see why I love humans so much, Dash. So chaotic, violent, and quite frankly the true embodiment of entropy!”
“Look, Discord, Dash says you’re on our side. I, on the other hand, know trouble when I see it. You show up out of nowhere in an empty empire and my guard just vanishes into thin air. Twilight and Celestia didn’t mention you coming, so why don’t you pony up and tell me what’s going on?”
“You’re a little confused, I’d say. Well, it’s no matter.” Discord snapped a finger and I turned to find him on the rocking horse. “Your guard never left, he’s right here. As for what’s going on. . .”
He snapped his fingers and I found him sitting on a television. The static cleared and I began to see images of Celestia and Luna murdering ponies, and locking Discord up in a cage.
[That never happened!]
“Yeah, I know propaganda when I see it. As far as I can tell, you were evil and got punished, and then reformed. So why are you here, screwing with me? I have a feeling if Celestia were here, we wouldn’t be having a friendly chat.”
“Ugh,” Discord groaned. “Even chaos can get boring if it’s so predictable. Granted, your time here has been entertaining, Don, but instead of furthering my plan you’ve hindered it.”
“How do you know my name?”
“Quite simple. I cast a spell to kill Dash and replace her with a human, and destroy the Element of Loyalty. Unfortunately, crossing dimensions isn’t an exact science and well. . . you’re both alive, and the Elements intact.”
[Don’t tell him or think anything about the Elements! Think about fucking Soarin!]
Oh god, really? You want that image in my head?
“So tell me, Don, how do you like your new body?” Discord asked.
“Well, apparently I’m into stallions now. Hooves instead of hands. You know, the usual. How about you? Eat any good books lately?”
He frowned. “Now you’re just insulting me. And I was prepared to be civil.”
“Like hell you were. Whatever you’re here to do, just do it already. I’m not some mouse to be toyed with.”
He snapped his fingers and curled around me, floating in a circle a foot away from me. “Oh, but that’s exactly what you ponies and humans are: a plaything, a diversion to stave off so many millennia of boredom. Do you know what it’s like to count your lifespan in eons? After a while, even the extinction of an entire race becomes boring to watch.”
“So you’re some sort of emo god? You dress in black, smoke pot, and drift around the galaxy fucking shit up for fun? If I make you empty out your pockets, am I going to find a CD with My Chemical Romance on it? ”
“Well, when you put it like that being god of chaos doesn’t sound nearly as fun. I would have grown bored and moved on from this world long ago. Unfortunately, two arrogant ponies saw fit to trap me in stone.”
[Celestia and Luna. He was torturing ponies, so they imprisoned him.]
“Alright, so they trapped you in stone. What’s that got to do with me?”
“Two thousand years. 730,000 days, unmoving, in a fucking stone statue. That’s what it’s got to do with you.” He stopped circling me and looked me in the face. “One does not simply ‘reform’ after being dealt such an injustice. You can not fathom a fate worse than death, not yet at least.”
I gulped as his gaze pierced me, making me feel as insignificant as an ant. All the hope and emotion began to drain from me, leaving me numb. I could feel nothing but fear.
“When the initial spell failed to kill dash, I had hoped for my coup to become more subtle. You would slowly rot Dash’s mind away from the inside before I made a move on to the next Element. Instead, I’ll have to take the direct approach to get rid of you.”
[Don, there’s still hope! Our friends, the princess. Don’t give up!]
No, he’s too strong, he’s right. . . I’ll never get home. He’s already killed me.
[Dammit, Dude! We need to warn the princess. Snap the fuck out of this right now, we’re faster than he is!]
I felt Dash do something inside my head, though I’m not sure what. I felt a flood of emotions and felt as if color were being restored to a bleak grey world. In that second I knew what I had to do, so I spun around and kicked out with my hind legs.
There was a resounding crack as my hooves collided with Discord’s face, and I flew towards the door. In the breadth of one heartbeat I had made it halfway to the door, and freedom. Dash was right, I was far faster than him.
I heard a snap and felt something painful surge through me.
I sat upright, and felt all the blood rush from my head. I rolled onto my side, dizzy, and felt weak.
Every muscle in my body ached and I groaned loudly. I began to crawl across the floor in search of aid. I heard a meow, and turned my head to the side. A cat was sitting there, watching me intently.
“Bagheera?” I asked. My voice sounded raspy and dry, and I realized I must have had a seizure, stroke, or worse. Looking down at my hands, I counted my fingers where I should have hooves.
Glancing behind me, I saw the remains of a television that had exploded, charring the wall black. Luckily I couldn’t find any injuries on me.
“What the hell happened to me, Bagheera?” My black cat tilted his head to the side, then walked over and licked me. “Thanks, but I had one hell of a. . . something. . . and I’m thirsty as hell.”
I crawled towards the kitchen, carefully stood up, and began drinking water straight from the tap. That fucking salad had given me one hell of a nightmare. At least I hoped it did, because if I’d had a stroke I could be permanently brain damaged.
[Holy shit, did he drop the moon on us? I felt better than this when I hit the ground going a hundred miles per hour.]
My head banged against the sink and I found myself toppling back to the floor. Swallowing, I feared the answer I was about to get.
D-Dash?
[The one and only! So, what the hell’d he do to us?]
I sat slumped on the floor of my kitchen with my head resting in my hands. Upon waking up, I had allowed myself to hope that everything I’d been through was just a dream. There was a part of me that was still hoping it had been a nightmare. Unfortunately, Dash was sitting on that part of my mind, ruining any chance of convincing myself that this was salad-induced psychosis.
[So, uh. . . Dude, where’s my body?]
The hell if I know. How’d we get here?
[Discord.]
No shit. So you got his phone number? ‘Hello? It’s Dash. You accidently sent me to Earth with Don. No, it’s alright, I completely understand the mistake. Okay. Ahuh. Yep, my bags are packed. Zap me back to my body.’
[Whoa, no need to go back to being hostile.]
You don’t get it, do you? Magic doesn’t exist on Earth. You’re trapped here, permanently. One or both of us will merge or die, and your friends will be worried sick about you the whole time. For all we know, he’ll just zap all the ponies in his way over here.
[Twilight will stop him. She always does. . . And she won’t leave me trapped here.]
She may not have a choice.
I got up and made my way over to the refrigerator. The door opened and I looked for something to eat. There was half a gallon of expired milk, some apples I’d bought a month or so ago, tabasco, strawberry jelly, two beers, and moldy cheese. I closed the door and looked in the freezer. A couple slices of frozen steak, freezer-burned bacon, and T.V. dinners featuring large pictures of fake turkey.
[Damn, that’s a lot of meat. Why do I get the feeling I don’t want to knowwhere it comes from?]
Probably because we cage animals by the thousands to breed and slaughter them. They help to feed a world populace in the billions. Without cows we wouldn’t have dairy or meat, and life would suck.
[That’s genocide! You can’t just kill a bunch of animals to feed everypony! Why not eat a salad?]
I looked back at my kitchen table where a wilted salad rested. I had never finished it, and now it had spots of mold growing on it.
Hah, no thanks. The cows don’t complain about it, they aren’t intelligent here.
[Still, that’s not cool.]
Well, if I’m not supposed to eat it, why is it so tasty? Anyway, this is a pointless debate. The other seven billion people on the planet will continue to eat meat if I stop, so that’s still a lot of dead cows.
I closed the freezer and opened my pantry. Dash was excited to see oatmeal in there, as it was probably the only unspoiled food she’d agree to eating. Luckily, the choice wasn’t up to her, and my eyes drifted over to some chili. It may have lacked meat, but it still tasted awesome. Chili was like dog food for bachelors.
Some stale bread would do well enough as toast, so I began by putting it in the toaster. I was starving, and quickly added on a couple of the old apples, the chili, and some oatmeal. My mind kept wandering to that steak in the freezer—it was so tempting. Instead, I decided to do something nice for a change and not eat an entire steak in front of Dash. If the day went poorly though, I wasn’t above eating a few cheeseburgers.
There must have been a hole in my stomach because it took all that food and several glasses of water to feel full. I went to check the date and time on my phone only to find that the battery was dead. While it charged, I found my watch over by my wallet and keys. I’d been gone for three days, which made it Monday. It was six in the morning, which meant I was due at work in thirty minutes.
“Guess it’s time to cash in some sick days,” I said out loud. I heard my cat meowing and saw him on patrol around his food bowl. The feeder was empty so I dumped a bag of cat food into it. That would keep him fed for a week or two.
My phone had finally powered up and I checked for messages. There were none, which was delightful—I get zapped to an alien world and no one wonders where I went. Then again, I am not the kind of person to go out a lot. Shift work and introducing myself as a nurse hadn’t done me any favors in the popularity contest of life.
I dialed up my boss, a lovely woman whose job it was to manage the nurses and keep us from open mutiny. With all the ridiculous changes to healthcare, recession impacting our pay, and difficulty retaining nurses, she had her hands full. Unfortunately, she was about to be told to suck it up as I wouldn’t be coming in to work.
The phone rang a few times. “Human Resources department, Nina speaking.”
“Hi, is Melody there?” I asked.
“Just a moment.” Distorted piano music started to play while I was on hold. If I were in an elevator, I’d claw my way out before I listened to this crap willingly. They couldn’t even adjust the volume properly, as it felt like it was ten times louder than the receptionist. I held the vile music at bay by placing it face-down on my lap.
[Melody isn’t such a bad name, so why are you imagining strangling her to death with a telephone cord?]
Because a knife would leave too much evidence.
[Please tell me you’re joking. You’ve been kinda scary since we got back to Earth.]
Scary? Nah, this is normal. I return to Earth with hitchhikers after being zapped to other dimensions all the time. The most important thing you can do is always bring a towel. Unfortunately, I didn’t bring one, so here we are.
[Look, I know it sucks I got zapped here with you. If we start swapping again I’ll do my best not to mess your life up. However, you have to stop and think for a minute: how do you think I’ll feel if I never see my friends again? Discord’ could be imposing a new reign of terror over my loved ones and I’m not there to stop him.]
You’re right. . . Sorry, I just get the feeling the next couple days are going to be really horrible.
[With that attitude they will be. Now, tell your boss you’re sick, I bet they’ll understand.]
I picked up the phone and, sure enough, the music had stopped playing. “This is Melody, department head of Human Resources, department of nursing supervisor, and board member of the Springfield Community Trauma and Medical Surgery Center. How may I help you?”
[Wow, what a stupid title.]
On Earth, your value as a human being is determined by the length of your title.
[What’s your title?]
Usually it’s ‘hey, you’ or ‘just a nurse.’ Occasionally, ‘pecker checker’ or something else witty.
“Hey, it’s Don. I’m too sick to work and need to cash in a couple sick days,” I explained.
“Ahuh, and are you too sick to get paid?”
“I don’t follow.”
“We only have two nurses scheduled to cover twenty beds in our ER, and you’re one of them. So, if you’re too sick to work you must be too sick to get paid, because you’ll be out of a job,” Melody replied.
[Wow, what a bitch.]
“You wouldn’t dare. We both know I can’t come to work with pink eye. It’s highly contagious and would threaten patient health. I could report you for forcing me to work with a contagious disease. I need this time off.”
“Is that so? Well then, come in and show me your pink eye and I’ll consider it.”
[I think we need to come up with a better plan. I’ve never seen such a heartless person.]
You got any bright ideas?
I stifled a groan as I rolled my eyes. I could rub some shampoo in my eye, but if she wanted me to get seen by a doctor I wouldn’t fool anyone. “You’re seriously going to be that childish? I’d be back at work inside a week if you fired me.”
“You may have a little pull with people in the hospital, but it’d still go in your employment history, and I could still screw with your schedule until you go crawling to an urgent care, begging for a job with better hours.”
“You fucking bitch,” I said.
“. . . I’ll see you when your shift starts in twenty minutes, or I’m writing you up and docking your pay.” The phone clicked as she hung up.
I threw my cell phone across the room, then hit the salad on the table. It spilled all over the floor as I stomped over to the couch and fell backwards onto it.
[Wow, no offense, but I thought you were an asshole. Now I think you’re some kind of saint. How can people be such dicks on your world?]
Imagine if you had dozens of Celestias, each one a boss of another boss, who is the boss of a boss who is eventually your boss. And they’re all assholes. They have the power to make us do whatever they say.
[Then you should quit.]
I wish I could, but money doesn’t grow on trees. I’ve got bills to pay, and mouths to feed. . .
The apartment was silent for a moment. I glanced around, half-expecting Pinkie to jump out and finish singing the song I had just quoted. Finally, I looked behind the sofa and sighed.
[Yeah, I kinda expected her to pop out too. Would have made getting back a lot easier.]
So, what now? I’d rather not lose my job or get in another shouting match with my boss. She’s cut the nursing staff in half this year to save money on her damn budget.
[Hey, it’ll be like in Equestria: you just work and if I get control you can tell me what to do! I’m already learning all sorts of stuff about medicine from poking around in your brain.]
It’s not the medicine I’m worried about. There are far worse things that go on in an ER than calculating medication doses.
[Pfft, come on, I’m Rainbow FuckingDash, I can handle this!]
I laughed loudly, drawing a curious cat out from under the sofa. He meowed when I stopped laughing, so I petted him. My job was something that’d be a pain in the ass to replace, especially while worrying about the pony in my body. It was an easy decision to go to work, and in the worst case get sent home sick when Dash did a few medical procedures wrong. After all, it wouldn’t hurt me one bit.
Being one to routinely sleep in, I had gotten efficient at getting ready for work in a hurry. I paid a visit to the restroom to relieve myself, which had never felt so good. I shaved, threw a little deodorant on, and combed my hair. That was when I noticed something that I could swear wasn’t there before: one of my eyes was no longer green, it was violet. I wanted to call it magenta, to acknowledge one of my eyes had decided to join Team Dash, but I refused.
[Hey, your eye is the same color as mine!]
Dammit, Dash! I was trying to ignore that. . . Eyes don’t just change color. Not without injury or some really fucked up genetic experiments. Tell me about how you met Twilight, I want to make sure our memories aren’t getting worse.
[I met her at the Summer Sun Celebration. Nightmare Moon returned, and out of nowhere Twilight shows up and challenges her. I chased after Twilight because she was a spy.]
Okay, good. That’s how I remember it too. So we’re safe for now.
With my hygiene vastly improved, I threw on some scrubs because I was running late, and frankly, I was too lazy to change at work. After all, what’s the point of stealing scrubs from the hospital to have at home, if not to sleep in them, roll out of bed, and proceed directly to work?
As I approached my car I stopped to check my mail. I tossed the advertisements in the trash and headed to my car with my bills. After opening the door I tossed the bills on the passenger seat. That was when I saw it. A letter from the RIAA.
“Dammit, Pinkie,” I muttered. I tore the letter up, trying to control my breathing as I fumed over the RIAA’s far-reaching power and ability to detect and sue anyone for anything, anywhere, given proper incentive.
I sat in the driver’s seat and realized our next problem.
Okay, Dash, if we do the control switch thing, I need to make sure you understand: Gas to go faster on the right, brake in the middle, clutch on the left. If you get control, just slam that middle pedal as hard as you can so we don’t die in a fiery explosion.
[Hahahaha, good one, Dude. I’ve never seen a metal carriage before.]
It’s not a joke!
[Wait, you mean you really use machines to get around, airplanes, tanks, and all that stuff I’ve caught you thinking about?]
Yeah, we have a machine for everything on Earth. Probably because we have no magic. This one weighs several tons and travels about eighty miles per hour, or like a tenth of how fast you fly to break the sound barrier.
[Eh, not bad, I suppose. So, in the event of an unexpected switch in control I should scream like a school filly and slam the brakes? This is gonna be fun!]
I climbed in the car and started it, putting it into gear and driving off. The radio played some rock ‘n’ roll, which was a godsend after having nothing to listen to for three days. I began to zone out as I drove, letting instinct and force of habit guide me down the familiar roads to work.
You’re taking this a whole lot better than I did when I landed in your body.
[I’m sorta used to it. And besides, Lyra’s gonna freak out when I tell her about it.]
She’s the odd one who is fascinated by fantasy novels about humans?
[The one and only. Majored in music with a minor in creative writing. Hasn’t gotten a book published yet, but she keeps trying. She’s been working on this one romance about vampires, werewolves, and humans.]
For fuck sake. . . Look, when we get back I’ll help her write something that isn’t shit.
[How do you know it’s bad? She hasn’t even finished it yet.]
Trust me, some things are true no matter what dimension you’re in, and that’s one of them. Just promise not to let her abduct me and chain me up in her basement on the off-chance my body comes back to Equestria with you.
[And miss out on using you as my personal slave? All those free massages? If you come back to Equestria as a human she’ll have to beat me to the punch if she wants you in her basement.]
Quit teasing, it was a joke. Seriously, I plan to stay here on Earth, free from crazed mares chaining me up like a toy.
[Your choice, but you’re missing out. I could be very rewarding to an obedient human sex slave.]
This is for all the trouble I caused you with my smart ass remarks, isn’t it?
[Eeyup! Payback is a bitch. Haha, I’ll cut it out though. I wouldn’t want to run out of jokes, your day is just getting started!]
God, shoot me now.
Before an all-powerful being in the sky could chamber a round in his remington, I arrived at work. Parking the car in patient parking—just to piss Melody off—I then hurried inside to the ER.
Of course Melody would be waiting there to chide me. I was only three minutes late, and that’s after being sent to another dimension. As luck would have it, Dash took control of my body as we walked through the sliding doors.
Dash hadn’t been expecting a switch, as we’d had no indication yet if it’d even happen here on Earth. I felt both my legs freeze, but my body continued to move forward.
[Hands, Dash, hands!]
She was confused, managing only at the last second in our fall to land on an elbow. Dash struggled to read my mind on how to walk, but it was not really something you teach a person to do. I tried to picture it in my mind for her, recalling how quickly I’d caught on to pony walking.
“Are you kidding me? You came to work drunk, Don?” Melody said.
“I’m not drunk, I tripped! I swear, Celestia would send you to the moon for being such an ass,” Dash said.
[Heh, I’d pay to see that.]
Dash stood up and looked her in the eye. It took a moment for her to stop swaying, but luckily she was catching on quickly. “Now, Melody, I’m here to work.”
“Yes, I suppose I won’t be firing you or docking your pay. Your pink eye on the other hand is nothing but a contact lens,” Melody mocked.
“What?” Dash said. “Oh, that. Well, it’s not every morning you wake up with a new eye color.”
“Just cut the crap and get to work,” she ordered.
“Geez, who rammed that stick up your ass?” a nearby doctor said. As he walked over, I saw it was Anthony. “Beat it, Melody, or I’ll send you to the OR as an emergent case to have it removed.”
Melody huffed, and walked away.
“Thanks,” Dash said. I was lucky that Anthony had been nearby to pull my ass out of the fire. Now I could sit back and watch Dash learn to walk. She was staring at our feet and walking in a small circle. Dash realized the doctor was giving us an odd look.
Who is he?
[A doctor with enough common sense to tell Melody when she needs to fuck off. He’s not her boss, per say, but she has no authority over the doctors.]
Seems like a handy guy to have around.
“Whoa, Don, what happened to your eye?” Anthony asked.
“Oh, I just woke up and it was like this,” Dash explained.
“I’ve never seen complete heterochromia before, much less spontaneously. Did you injure your eye or catch something?” he asked.
“I caught a wet paint brush covered in fuchsia paint with my eye, but other than that, nope.”
He laughed and pat Dash on the back, guiding her into the ER. “That’s what I love about you: you’ve got a smart-ass remark to everything. Just take it easy on her, it’s the end of the fiscal year and you know how she loves to mess with the budget.”
“Sure. So, uh, what do I do?” Dash asked.
“Well, I guess you can start by disimpacting a patient’s bowel in room four. If you can’t get it out with the enemas, let me know. But be sure to do everything you can so I don’t have to get my hands covered in shit.”
[Of course that’s the first patient I get today. We can still leave, you know. Maybe losing this job isn’t so bad.]
I’m sure that’s worse than it sounds. Applejack says she gives her grandmother enemas from time to time.
[Granny Smith? No—oh god, I can’t get that image out of our head! That’s way too much information!]
“Uh, any others?” Dash asked.
“Well, I could let you place sutures on a little girl in room two for me. I’ve got three women with abdominal pain and am using the other nurse to do the pelvic exams. They pulled an LPN from county hospital to do triage for us.”
[Great, so they’re going to use a glorified vital signs technician to triage patients. Yep, this day is officially the worst day ever.]
Hmm, I don’t like the sound of either of those. You sure I can do this stuff to the patients?
[The hardest part is knowing what to do. I’m sure we can work slowly and make it through a single shift.]
“Alright. I’ll go do the bowel thingy first.”
Dash walked over to room four, which was conveniently labeled on the wall with a large, red four. She pushed the door open and walked in.
Whoa, it smells like death in here!
[Yeah, it’s either old person smell or gas.]
I thought they were constipated or something.
[Check that metal chart, right there.]
Dash opened it up and began scanning the page, reading the various notes on it.
This doesn’t make much sense. You’ll have to help me out.
[She’s eighty years old, had a colonoscopy and a few polyps removed. Looks like she got treatment just in time to avoid dying a horribly painful death from colon cancer. Unfortunately, she’s got post-op constipation which will painfully kill her if we don’t clean it out.]
Whoa. Well, let’s help her out then. What do I do first?
[Wash your hands and put on gloves. I’ll guide you through the rest as you do it.]
Dash played around with the sink and soap dispenser until figuring out how to operate them. She wasn’t used to the fingers, and kept trying to do things with my palms. Eventually she finished and dried our hands, and put some nitril gloves on.
“You’ve done this before?” the woman asked.
“Of course! My name is Rainbow Dash, what’s yours?” she replied.
“It’s Susie. It’s always nice to meet a young person who can embrace their feminine side.”
Feminine side?
[Because you said my name is Rainbow Dash, probably.]
Crap, did I?
[Yeah, drop it and move on.]
“Anyway, I’m just going to go over here—”
[Grab that kit, and that applicator.]
“—and pull out this. . . Okay, I need you to lay on your side.” Dash helped her roll over and lifted up the patient gown.
Whoa, her skin is so saggy.
[Be mature. Just open the box and prepare the enema. Insert that there, and push that.]
“Okay, you’ll feel a little pressure,” Dash explained. She took the bottle and lubricated it, before inserting it into Susie. Dash squeezed the fluid out until the enema was complete. “Alright, now you just wait ten minutes and it should all come out.”
“You sure, Mr. Rainbow Dash?” she asked, still assuming that was my name.
“Yeah.”
“Because it feels. . . it—”
[Hit the deck!]
Dash gasped in horror as all hell broke loose. She was still leaning over on the bed, and the first blast of the most foul substance known to man flew out, hitting my favorite watch. It began to seep inside our gloves as she stumbled backward.
[Get an emesis basin, that drawer, hurry!]
She crawled over, my hands making a wet plopping sound. Upon opening the drawer, she found nothing inside it.
It’s empty!
[Fucking LPNs must not have restocked before going home!]
How about this?
We heard another loud noise and Dash wisely chose not to look.
[That’s a kidney basin! That’ll never work!]
Where are the bigger basins?
[Quick, just grab the trash can!]
Dash got to her feet and ran over to the bright red biohazard trash can. She dragged it over to the bed as the woman moaned in discomfort. A week’s worth of vile sewage was seeping out, and she could not hold back the black tide.
With the large trash can next to the bed, she yanked the lid off. Dash had to grab the woman and slide her towards the can. “Alright, you can let go now!”
[No! Not yet!]
Dash realized her mistake and jumped backwards, barely avoiding the splash zone. Susie let herself go, and Dash ran like hell, slamming the door shut behind as she left. She saw the bathroom down the hall and ran into it.
Holy shit, that was horrible!
[As far as enemas go, that wasn’t the worst I’ve ever done. Wanna hear about it?]
No! Please, show mercy! Seriously, if you do that for a living you deserve a massive gold medal!
I laughed, glad at least one person understood the living hell that was caring for the sick and injured. Yet, I still did it as it felt good to have helped someone. I may be wearing a brown layer of Susie on my forearms, but I had saved her from a potentially fatal medical condition.
So, uh, what now?
She looked over my body and I instructed her to just throw the watch away. Even if I cleaned it, I couldn’t wear it in good conscience knowing where it had been. Dash followed my advice and threw the gloves away, washing my arms from the elbow down. We were lucky not to have gotten it on our scrubs or on our hair.
[And now the best part.]
What’s that?
[We make the LPN clean it up.]
You’re evil! Why do you get to boss LPN’s around?
[They take a year or so of training, sometimes vocational schools, and are trained to do the most basic jobs. I went to four years of college, got a bachelors, registered as a nurse, and nearly have my masters. Basically, I own him.]
Doesn’t that make you no different than your boss?
[Hey, the expression ‘shit rolls downhill’ was made for a reason. We all make the people lower on the ladder than us do the shitty jobs. . . unless you really want to go back in there and mop that mess up.]
On second thought, screw the LPN. I guess it’s the same as when I make Thunderlane put the morning dew on all the flowers in Ponyville. Everypony hates that job.
[Now you’re getting it. I’ll make a human out of you in no time. Heck, with some beer and some titties I bet you’ll be asking Celestia to move to Earth.]
Dash walked up to the triage room, where she found the LPN browsing his Facebook. He looked at us with indifference. “What do you want?” he asked.
“What the heck is that?” Dash pointed to the computer screen.
“It’s Facebook, grandpa.”
[You can send messages no one cares about to your friends, like what you’re eating, and you can post pictures of it.]
“Sounds pretty retarded,” Dash observed. “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is room four needs to be cleaned. Take some extra towels. The good news is, I don’t have to clean it.”
“You can’t boss me around,” he said and crossed his arms.
“Pretty sure I have a nursing degree that says I can. Now unless you want to get kicked out of the department and sent home without pay, get your ass in gear.”
He grumbled and got up to clean the room.
That was awesome! Being a jerk is kind of addictive.
[Yeah, I’m a little worried you’re turning into me. Back on Equestria I was starting to turn nice, and here you’re doing the opposite. I wonder how long we have left.]
Hmm, I wonder what Twilight would say about this.
[Probably some egghead thing we wouldn’t understand.]
Haha, yeah. You know, this being-a-nurse thing isn’t so bad. It’s nice and quiet.
[Damn it! Never say an ER is quiet!]
As we were about to sit down at the computer, we heard the doors to the ER burst open. Two paramedics came in with a person on a stretcher.
[Whelp, here we go. Follow them!]
Dash jumped up and managed not to trip on her way out of the triage room. She followed them into the trauma bay. “What’s going on?”
The nearby paramedic turned and started to give her a report. “Thirty-seven year old male, found unconscious after an unknown amount of alcohol and tylenol. We saved the pill bottles from the scene. It was called in by a neighbor. We don’t have any medical history on him.”
They lifted him and slid him over to the trauma bed. “Uh. . . can you grab the doc for me?”
“Sure thing, Don,” the paramedic said.
You know him?
[His team stops by here often, so sorta. Now I get to guide you through some fun procedures! Oh Celestia have mercy on this drunk.]
Dash went over and started pulling out an assortment of tubes and tools. I directed her on how to lubricate an ewald tube to do a gastric lavage. She covered the end in surgi-lube and pushed it up against his nose.
Really? Just jam it in there?
[Well, not hard, but yeah. Push it in.]
Dash slid it in and smiled, realizing it was pretty easy. Then the patient moaned and started to gag as it went down his throat. She was almost a step ahead of my instructions as she grabbed a portable suction unit. Mercifully, he didn’t vomit all over us, and Dash was able to hook him up to a wall mounted suction unit without incident. I directed her in how to flush some saline into his stomach and pump it out a few times.
“Don, what’s going on?” Anthony asked as he walked in and began assessing the patient.
“Overdose, alcohol and tylenol. He’s a, uh. . . thirty-something man or something,” Dash repeated.
“Cath him and get blood to the lab.”
Huh?
[Stick a needle in his vein.]
Dash dumped an assortment of blood tubes, needles, and vacutainers out on the table next to us. I directed her to the IVs and had her unwrap one of them and rub alcohol all over the patient’s arm. It took her four tries to place a latex tourniquet on it, as she kept accidently tying one of our fingers into it.
[Now, you just feel for one of those squishy veins, and stick a needle in it. Right there!]
Dash did her best and stabbed the needle into his arm, causing a small convulsion. Blood flashed back into the needle and stopped. She had gone through the vein.
[No big deal, pull back slowly.]
She yanked the needle out, causing blood to pour out of the small puncture wound.
Oops.
[Ignore it and grab another, it’s not as bad as it looks.]
She tossed the needle into the trash can.
[Wrong trash! That has to go in the sharp—]
Quiet! I can’t concentrate!
With her attention split, the patient was making a bloody mess of the bed sheets that looked like something out of a Hollywood horror movie. Dash pushed a piece of gauze on the bleeding hole in his arm, as she lined up the needle to try and go into the vein. This time she poked a few times and was nearly in the vein, when the patient twitched.
“Shit, Don,” Mark said. The other nurse had walked in the room and saw me, or more accurately Dash, trying to start an IV and draw blood. “Work on the cath and I’ll start a line. Unless your goal was to use his arm as a pin cushion.”
“Haha, shut up,” Dash quipped.
[Well, at least you can’t mess this up. The hole is already there. The kit is in that drawer.]
Dash pulled out the urinary cath tray and opened it, switching out her dirty gloves for new sterile gloves. I directed her to lay out the supplies and prepare to place the tube. She glanced up and saw the Doctor ordering meds and sending Mark to get them. The IV was already flowing and Mark had already drawn blood.
Damn, he’s fast.
[He can do an IV in ten—]
—seconds flat. God, that’s getting old, Dude.
I told Dash how to lubricate the catheter and she did, getting some of the lube on both hands. With the catheter ready, I directed her to firmly grasp his penis. Dash went to grab it, but it slipped out of her hand. The glove was already covered in the lube and it was a futile effort.
[Just stop and switch gloves.]
No, I got this.
Dash kept pulling and grabbing at his manhood. Slowly but surely she thought she was making progress, as it was getting straighter and easier to grip. Finally, she was able to start inserting the tube inside of him.
“Damn, for a moment there I thought you were jerking him off,” Anthony said.
She looked down horrified and I tried to facepalm from inside my own brain. Dash had, in fact, given the drunk a hard-on.
[Just jam the tube in and let me save the last of my dignity.]
The tube slid in and urine started to shoot out the other end.
[For fuck’s sake, put the urine collector on first!]
You didn’t tell me to do that!
[I thought it was common sense!]
We managed to collect the tubing, only spilling about half of the vodka-scented urine all over the mattress. Dash sighed in relief, and inflated the balloon at the end of the catheter. With it fully inflated, the tube would not slip or get pulled out.
“Don, you sure you’re okay?” Anthony asked. “You seem shaky and uncertain.”
“Huh? Yeah, I think so,” Dash replied.
“Look, Mark and I can take it from here. Clean up and do the sutures for me, that should be nice and calm.”
Dash smiled and I watched as we left the room and cleaned up. We were both still excited from the adrenaline rush, but were beginning to calm down. She headed over to room two and I began explaining suturing to her.
[Second door on the left. We’re just going to pull a small aluminum package of 4-0 prolene out. The needle and string are already attached. She’s not gonna like it, so we’ll draw some lidocaine up to numb it. Have you ever sewn before?]
No, I make Rarity do it.
[Well, she’s not here, so you’re about to put those fingers to good use.]
Dash walked into the room with her supplies in hand and didn’t miss a beat. “Hello, I’m Don,” she said.
[Good work, you remembered my name.]
“Hi, this is Lauren,” the mother explained. “She cut her hand on the slide in our back yard.”
Dash seemed more comfortable around the child, kneeling down to speak to her. “Hey there, Lauren, did you hurt your hand?”
She nodded, but remained turned to the side, shielding her cut hand.
“Can I take a look? I promise it won’t hurt.”
[You liar, it always hurts.]
Shut up, I’m just doing what you told me!
[Sorry, still a little worked up over that drunk.]
Yeah, me too. Plus that LPN and Melody. You put up with a lot of shit.
“Okay,” Lauren said. She turned over, revealing a bloody wash cloth. Her actual hand had stopped bleeding, the cut being only an inch long. Before Dash could clean the wound or think of suturing it closed, she saw a toy in her right hand.
It was a four-inch tall action figure. It had a rainbow mane and tale, and cyan blue fur. It was made of a glossy plastic, and came complete with rainbow lightning bolts shooting from a cloud on each flank.
[What the hell?]
Dash took a step back. “Where’d you get that?” she asked.
“Mommy got it for me. Rainbow Dash is my favorite!” Lauren cheered up when she got to talk about her toy. “She’s the fastest flyer in Equestria!”
“How do you know that?!” Dash shouted.
“Excuse me, do not raise your voice to my daughter,” her mother said.
[Easy, Dash, I’m shocked too but—]
“No! My life isn’t some fucking toy line! Where did she get that doll? Tell me or I’ll beat it out of you!” Dash screamed. Lauren started crying as we backed her mother into a corner. “Tell me!”
“S-sorry! It w-was on s-sell at the s-store. It’s her f-favorite show—”
“Don!” Melody shouted. “What the hell is going on here?” She stood with the LPN, who apparently had gone and ratted us out.
“You little shit-stain! You seriously tattled on me?!” Dash shouted. She marched towards him, and Melody stepped between us.
“What are you on, Don? LSD? Alcohol? Weed? I want you out of my hospital right now! You’ll be lucky to keep your job after assaulting a patient!”
“I’m not high! That kid has a doll of me. Of me, Rainbow Dash! This isn’t physically possible, and yet here I am in another dimension where I’m a damn toy!” Dash screamed.
Melody turned to the LPN and whispered. “Call a code grey and get security down here.” He walked away to get help.
Dash continued to rant. “Give me that!” She walked over and yanked the toy out of Lauren’s hand.
[Calm down, you’re going to get us locked up in prison, and we’ll never get back!]
Isn’t it obvious? This is all some trick by Discord! He’s watching us, laughing right now!
[No, this is my life, Dash!]
An ear-piercing scream echoed through the ER. Melody and Dash turned towards the source, and not five seconds later the drunk ran around the corner. His clothes had been removed during the trauma exam, and he was now nude. In his hand he held a messy urinary catheter, trailing the collection bag behind it.
Blood dripped onto the floor from the wound where he had violently ripped the catheter out of his bladder. His nose bled from where he had ripped the gastric tube out. If he had run this far, he had likely knocked one or both of my co-workers out. Furthermore, his outburst was indicative of narcotics or some other illegal substance.
The drunk charged at Melody like a linebacker getting ready to flatten an opponent.
[God dammit! Dash, tackle him!]
There was a brief hesitation, but Dash changed her footing and dived at him. At the last second, we collided, throwing him down to the ground with our weight. We had just saved Melody from a justly-deserved ass-kicking.
The drunk started flailing around, and Dash struggled to stay on top of him. Finally, security arrived and helped us pin him down, and then strap him to a bed so he could not hurt himself or others.
Once the brawl was over, Melody turned to the guards. “Now, I’ll need you to escort Don out of the hospital.”
“What?” Dash shouted.
“Yes, Melody, why are you sending my nurse home?” Anthony asked. “Security, you can leave. My nurse will most definitely not be escorted out. Instead, take that LPN with you. We’re better off without him.”
Melody glared at Anthony, before nodding to the guards. They left with the LPN and Melody, leaving one guard behind to keep an eye on the drunk a little longer.
“Don, what the hell is going on today?” Anthony asked.
“I honestly have no clue anymore,” Dash replied.
“Look, I’ll call in a few favors and find someone to cover your shifts for the next couple days. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to draw some blood and make sure you’re okay. If there’s a disease or genetic cause to your. . . ‘episode’ and eye color, I’ll let you know.”
[Look, apologize to the girl and the doc will take a look at us and hopefully smooth things over, okay?]
Dash sighed and nodded. She turned and handed the toy back to the little girl, who was afraid to reach out and take it back. “I’m sorry, Lauren. If Rainbow Dash were here, I know she’d be really happy to have such an awesome fan.”
“I-it’s okay,” Lauren replied. Her mother continued to glare at me, and Dash smiled weakly before leaving.
I followed Anthony into the triage room. Mark was already setting up to draw some blood. While he collected samples to send to the lab, I tried to calm Dash down.
How could a kid have toys of me? This is some trick, I know it!
[Relax. Look, I don’t know more than you do, but getting thrown in jail won’t solve anything.]
Am I even real? Maybe you’re just insane and I’m a toy!
[Hell no! You’re as real as I am. I don’t know how, but I promise I’ll fix this.]
“Okay, you’re all set,” Mark said. “I need to know honestly, are you on anything?”
“What? No. I’m not doing drugs. Everypony knows drugs are for losers,” Dash said.
[Ugh, yeah, ponies. Doesn’t make me sound crazy at all.]
“Whatever. . . just get some sleep, man. You look like shit.”
“Thanks,” Dash replied. She got up and walked out of the ER and to my car.
[You good to drive?]
I’ll take it slow, it wasn’t that hard.
She got in and started the engine, stalling it immediately.
[Press the clutch and give it more gas before trying to start it.]
On the second try she got it moving, and began to drive to my house. Luckily I only lived a few minutes away, because Dash wasn’t nearly the driver she thought she was. Then again, she had me screaming and backseat driving.
We made it home without running anyone over, swerving through traffic, or violating more than a dozen traffic safety laws. Already I felt exhausted, and I had spent most of the day passively observing.
[How is it you’re in control so long?]
Because Pinkie Pie.
[Haha. No really, was I in control this much in Equestria?]
Hmm, yeah, I think so. I don’t remember though.
[You’re having trouble remembering, or you literally can not remember?]
It’s a little blurry, nothing to worry about.
Dash walked into my bathroom and noticed the bath tub.
A bath would feel amazing right now.
She turned on the hot water and threw all my clothes on the ground as the water heated up. When Dash stepped into the tub, I could feel her relief. My feet had gotten very sore, and Dash was not used to that feeling. Her hooves were much better suited to supporting her weight for long periods of time.
Dash slid into the hot bath water until it was up to our neck, and sighed.
I feel like I could melt right now.
[Yeah.]
She looked down for the soap and chuckled.
[What’s so funny?]
You remember that whole speech about once in a lifetime opportunities? Well, it looks like I’ve got a one right between your legs.
I had woken up early after a restless night and gotten out of bed. I had looked at my alarm and saw that it was ten in the morning. It should have gone off at seven, so I rubbed my eyes and looked at it again. The alarm had changed to six in the morning. Flipping it over revealed the battery still inside it. I tossed the defective clock to the side in frustration. My phone should be next to the window and its clock was never wrong.
The window seemed to be glowing as light poured through it. Instead of sunlight being cast through the blinds in narrow slits along the wall, it poured through as if to spite my sleep. I opened the blinds and where I should have seen the tracks to a commuter train stood the Golden Oaks Library. The cartoonish look of the tree and dirt street in front of it clashed with the sharp images of my backyard.
Hey, Dash, did you inhale some bleach or something last night?
I received no reply, nor did I sense her at all. When I returned my gaze to the library I saw a Burlington Northern Santa Fe freight train passing by. A grey pegasus flew by on a wobbly trajectory before vanishing.
What the hell did we get into?!
My bedroom door was closed despite me never shutting it. I opened it and stepped through into my living room. I found myself in a marble atrium. This wasn’t supposed to be here, and my first thought was to step back into my bedroom. When I turned around the door was no longer there.
In front of me was a crumbling wasteland, drowning in shades of grey. Marble pillars lay shattered on the ground and crumbling arches ran like scars along the walls. Turning around again, I saw the pristine pillars and rich ebony doors in the arches of the untouched side.
A feeling of déjà vu washed over me, as if I’d been to this place before. On one half this almost Greek architecture was undamaged. On the other half, all had crumbled and fallen to ruin like a medieval castle. My attention was drawn to a door that was cracked open, and I found myself drawn to it. After walking over, the door opened on its own.
Walking through without hesitation, I found myself standing on the street in front of my childhood home. Looking behind me revealed the doorway had vanished, as I had expected, and yet I was not panicked. I felt safe here in my memory.
Still, the memory was wrong. Where my neighbor’s house should have stood was a pile of rubble, flickering like a flame. A large shadow was cast across the ground from a structure I could not see. Brightly painted walls and ornate windows shimmered in the distance, as a purple three-story building took shape. I had seen this before in Ponyville, but could not recall its name without Dash to aid me.
The garage door to my old home was open, and I walked inside. The bike I rode to school every day for years rested against the wall. A large ant farm I had once built out of a fish tank sat on the workbench next to a Wonderbolts magazine. I reached over to pick up the magazine and toss it away. As I touched it, I heard glass shatter and a wave of sand and ants poured out onto my arm.
Dozens of stinging sensations caused me to flinch back in pain, before swatting at my right arm. Red welts now dotted the limb from the many bites of the fire ants. The sand slowly poured through the workbench as it also faded from this memory, to join the ruins of my neighbor’s house.
I walked through the door from the garage to my house, expecting to find myself in another memory as with the past doors. Instead, I found myself in a carnival funhouse of sorts. The architecture of Equestria and Earth clashed together, rotting like burnt wood where they touched.
“Hello?” a voice called out.
“Dash?” I walked around the corner, expecting to find a pony at waist level, and ran into a tall woman instead. She stood before me nude and my gaze drifted up her midsection slowly, attempting to put two and two together. When I reached her neck and saw strands of rainbow hair, I knew this human had to be her.
“Don, I’m so glad I found you!” Dash grabbed me in a hug before I could react, holding me in the crumbling hallway.
“What’s going on? How are you huma—”
The wind was knocked out of me and I lost my voice. Ice filled the pit of my stomach and I looked down between our bodies. The black hilt of a knife stuck out of my belly, surrounded by a gushing red fountain. I could see the splattered blood on her stomach now, and her small hand gripping the handle of the knife.
“D-Dash?” I stuttered.
“Shh, it’s okay, Dude. Just relax, it always had to end this way,” Dash said.
My legs gave out and I slumped to the floor, my mind screaming at me to flee from this place. She went to pull the knife out and I feebly tried to bat her hands away. All the warmth in my body was leaking out the wound and I felt the chill of death in my chest.
“Y-you don’t h-have. . . We c-can both l-live,” I pleaded.
“No, we can’t. Goodbye, Dude.”
Dash yanked the knife out, causing a wave of pain to wash over me, before thrusting it into my chest over and over. I watched helplessly as blood splattered over her face and chest. The walls stopped rippling as they solidified, now entirely of Equestrian design.
I spasmed as my eyes opened up in the darkness. I could feel my body drenched in sweat and the chill of the fan blowing air across the wet bedsheets. My heart was racing and I felt pinned in place, unable to move.
A loud ringing filled my ears and a splitting headache proved to me I was alive. Once I regained my senses, I checked my chest for wounds and found none. I was definitely in my bed on Earth. I took quick stock of myself: ten fingers, two legs, two arms, one member, no knife wounds to my chest, and no psychotic half-human pony. I was okay.
[Don! Are you okay? I had this horrible dream I killed you!]
Yeah, I’m fine.
I rolled over towards the edge of the bed, sending the room spinning. I waited for the vertigo to pass and my vision to adjust to the dim light. An unpleasant pressure built in my head as I did so, my headache refusing to be ignored.
I feel like shit. I’m not so sure that was a dream. It felt like the time I poked around in your memories.
[But all I remember is being in that human house and being chased. I couldn’t see what was following me, but I could feel it getting closer.]
Two silver eyes glowed in the dark and watched me get out of bed and turn on the light. My cat sat there intently studying me as I made my way to the bathroom, using the wall to steady myself.
A splash of cold water from the sink helped me to wake up. I quickly took some tylenol to help with my headache. My forehead still felt hot even after the cold water and I figured I had a fever as well. That was when I noticed a large rash on my right arm, in a similar area to where the ants had bitten me in the dream. I noticed my one eye was still magenta so I examined the rest of the body.
Well, no tail, fur, cutie marks, or hooves. So, aside from this headache and that damn ringing in my ears, I’d say we’re okay. I don’t know if this is from how long we’ve been stuck together, but I can recognize the symptoms.
[Cool. So what is it, Doctor Dude?]
I think it’s an allergic reaction of sorts. My body might be rejecting one or both of us.
[That didn’t happen to my body though.]
I can’t explain it. I just want to get back to your all-powerful magical goddess friends to have them fix this.
[The little girl! She had a doll of me. We need to go back and find her and get answers!]
Or we could Google it.
[What?]
I walked into the kitchen and got a glass of orange juice, then sat in front of my computer while it started up.
That’s right, you don’t have the internet in Equestria. The internet is what gives humanity its power. It’s an electronic network used by all sentient beings. It surrounds us and penetrates us, binding humanity together.
[Hey, shouldn’t I have known that already? I thought we could access each other’s thoughts.]
We can ask Doctor Google about memory loss.
[Doctor Who?]
Google, the search engine powered by nanobots the government puts in the drinking water, so that they can tell what you’re going to search before you search it!
[. . . Wait, please tell me you’re kidding. Why are you making it so hard for me to read your thoughts?]
It’s this damn headache. It’s hard to focus on anything else.
[Fine, but I don’t see how this internet is going to know a damn thing about Equestria. It’s not like you can just type my name in and find out what’s wrong with us!]
The computer finished loading my desktop and wallpaper. Only now did I remember my fondness for Japanese anime and their ridiculously proportioned school girls. Perhaps it would not have been a problem, but I had one such scantily clad girl as the wallpaper.
[Whoa, she’s fucking hot!]
Hey, that’s my line! And what happened to Soarin?
[Eh, he’s not here right now. But damn! I had no idea women on Earth were that hot.]
She’s not real, she’s just a drawing from the internet.
[Oh, so there is a lot of art on the internet?]
Uh. . . you could say that, yeah.
[Why. . . are you thinking of an octopus? How’d we go from that girl to tentacl—]
I clicked the internet browser to hide the background and tried to change my thoughts.
Granny Smith, Barbara Streisand, Rush Limbaugh, Justin Bieber. . .
[What?]
Having successfully derailed our train of thought, I prepared to amaze my prismatic passenger with the power of our lord Google. I began to type in her name and results flooded in before I’d even finished it. My eyes went wide as millions of hits were returned for her name.
Wait. . . what the fuck?! Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash r34? Rainbow Dash Presents? Rainbow Dash Attacks? A bunch of art of you?
[But—it—you. . . the hell is this?]
How is this possible? My Little Pony was a show my sister watched when we were growing up in the eighties. I got in trouble for sitting on her chest and switching the channel to G.I. Joe more times than I can count.
[No, no, no! Discord, he’s made some kind of trick!]
I selected the Wiki entry for her and began to read. It was odd enough to find out she matched the brand name of a line of children’s toys from the eighties. It was nearly impossible that a new show was created that just happened to be all about her and matched up this perfectly.
I know the universe is infinite, but this is fucking ridiculous! There’s no way this can be true. A show all about you, completely independent of your world, matching up so perfectly!
[How can they know I did a sonic rainboom in flight camp? They even know which numbers I had at the Best Young Fliers contest! You’re in on this, aren’t you?! This is all some kind of trap!]
Calm down, Dash! I don’t know what’s going on, but let’s not panic. We’ll keep reading until we find something. Maybe you just erased all my memories of this and there’s a perfectly logical explanation to it.
[No! Give me control back right now! I’m getting outta here!]
I slapped myself in the face to knock some sense into her, realizing only after the fact I was actually slapping myself. My face was now burning from the stinging pain, but it had restored order for now.
Wow, it knows everything about you. Children’s show, your whole life, toys, merchandise, a planet where the sun orbits the planet!
[I reject your reality and substitute my own! This can’t be real.]
It seems rather real to me. The question is, how in the hell is it possible? And why doesn’t it mention us, if this really is a history of your entire life?
[Well, it stopped just over a year ago. That’s when Twilight became a princess. It doesn’t mention the attempted treaty with the changelings or when I went with Applejack to pay respects to her parents.]
So it’s all the events of your life up to about a year ago?
[Yeah, but I still can’t believe it.]
Well, let’s see what else is out there on the internet.
I went back to search results and went to click on videos. Instead, I hit images and loaded up hundreds of drawing of Dash. Unfortunately for both our sanity, I don’t keep safe-search enabled on my computer. We were assaulted by images both vile and arousing at the same time.
Dash and I couldn’t speak as we saw her mounting a kitchen sink and using a tea saucer in creative ways. No sooner had that image passed, we saw a dozen green tentacles wrapped around her. To see a pony I’d come to know being violated in so many ways left me unable to form any words of explanation.
[Oh. My. God! What the fucking hell?! Is—Are Scootaloo and Pinkie banging me with a loaf of bread?!]
I backed out of the tab quickly and clicked the first YouTube link I could find. It brought me to an interesting advertisement for a retail chain selling My Little Pony merchandise.
[Wait, you’re just gonna ignore that horrible stuff they had of me?]
What horrible stuff?
[That photo of me with rule 34 on it or something. What is that rule anyway?]
You don’t wanna know. Look, this link is to an episode of your show.
[Don’t click it! What if it causes one of those timey-wimey things like Twilight had to deal with, and my future self and past-self get in an argument and tons of horrible stuff happens?!]
Well, you haven’t had a rational thought in the last twenty minutes, so I’m going to keep investigating. Just keep the panicked ranting to a dull roar, okay?
[How would you feel if people were reading all about your life right now? Laughing as I shoved that vibrating toy—]
Dash! That’s gross! I hope no one ever hears about this whole ordeal. No offense, but no one will ever know about this. I plan to drink moonshine until I forget all about my trip to Equestria.
[None taken. I’ve tried Applejack’s moonshine. We use it to detonate tree stumps on the weather team. All you need is a jar of moonshine and an open flame.]
Wow, and I thought people in the deep south could make a good jar of moonshine. Remind me to never try any of AJ’s brew.
I clicked on the link to an episode of My Little Pony called “Sonic Rainboom.” It would likely have been footage of Dash’s creation of a Sonic Rainboom, however it had been taken down with a copyright notice by Hasbro.
‘Hasbro’. . . Wait, the Wiki! I think they own My Little Pony.
[Okay, so let’s go ask them why they’re spying on us!]
It’s not that simple. One, I don’t know where their headquarters are, and if I did, it would likely take days to get there. Two, we’d have to force our way in and hope to find the person who knows what’s going on. Three? We’d just get thrown out on the street for being crazy.
[Well, we can’t do nothing. If they think they own My Little Pony, who owns Hasbro? Maybe we can find answers if we go to the owner.]
Fine, let’s look into it. I’m telling you, however, that we can’t just walk up to someone that famous and ask for an interview.
I went back to Google and searched for the owner of Hasbro. I quickly tracked down the name and Wikipedia account of John De Lancie. Scrolling down to his film and T.V. credits, I found some interesting notes.
It says here that this guy did the voice of Discord on the show. Him and his wife, Lauren De Lancie, were co-creators of the show. Later on he made enough money from that show and Star Trek that. . . wait.
[Huh?]
I scrolled back up to his picture and my jaw fell open in shock.
Q! He played this prankster on one of my favorite sci-fi shows! He’d go around using others for his own personal amusement, snapping his fingers to use his powers. He was a god.
[That sounds just like Discord. God of chaos, uses others for his own amusement.]
It says here he was asked to step down as executive producer after self-inserting himself in the show as Discord. Six months later in a ruthless buyout, he took ownership of Hasbro, and the branch that makes the show.
[Wait, if he was part of the show, and the show is about my life. . . and he’s just like the Discord in my life. . . what if he is Discord?]
Huh? Like, Discord lives in both worlds?
[Yeah. That would explain how they made a cartoon about my life. It was just Discord recalling past events.]
I suppose I’ve heard crazier conspiracy theories. He made a fortune off the shows, and being an all-powerful, trans-dimensional god of chaos would make it easy. Still, didn’t he spend a few thousand years in stone? How would he know any of this?
[I don’t know. Maybe he had a chatty gardner tend to his statue? We did sort of free him too, so he could have done all sorts of things. Imagine being able to just step to another world to hide from your enemies! I bet that’s why he’s been so scarce since his ‘reform.’]
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “This is just fucking great.” I heard a meow and turned to see my cat. “Bagheera, I need you to keep an eye on the house. I have to find a way to make a demigod fix all the mischief he’s caused and restore my life to normal.”
My cat tilted his head to the side in confusion.
Right, I’m talking to a cat.
[Dude, you’re feeling pretty upset now.]
I feel like just quitting is more like it! How are we supposed to fix this, or force him to fix it? Plus, we’re stuck here on Earth where I’d be lucky to get within fifty feet of this guy at a sci-fi convention! And by then I’m pretty damn sure we’ll both be dead!
[Okay, relax. My friends won’t abandon me. As soon as they found out I’m missing, they would never stop trying to get me back.]
Well what are we supposed to do, sit here and wait?
[Let’s look around some more. Maybe we could watch an episode.]
I moaned and went back to Google to begin searching for more information about My Little Pony. We went to every site we could find and read every conspiracy theory out there. Nothing like this had happened before on Earth. We came across everything from fictional stories about humans visiting Equestria, to posts arguing Chrysalis and Mr. Cake was the one true pairing.
Searching the internet and the apparently vast fandom of adults was not helping my headache in any way. So far we had read up on every aspect of Discord’s human persona. Dash and I could name the favorite meals of each voice actor, and had seen lyrics to every song Pinkie had ever sung. Yet this information did nothing to help us figure out how, or why, we were sent back.
[Come on, Google Soarin again!]
Will you quit? I only looked him up to see if his description matches your memories. It’s weird enough knowing there is a cartoon show based around your existence. I don’t think looking up images of your boyfriend is gonna help.
[Come on, if someone turned your life into a show you’d want to read up on all your friends, right?]
Fine, if it buys me some peace and quiet.
I typed in “Rainbow Dash Soarin” and hit enter. Google happily brought back a plethora of articles and pictures, which I began to click through.
See anything you like? I mean, he doesn’t even speak in the show so how would anyone even know what he’s like? I don’t think Discord really cares about anypony but the Elements.
[Probably because we’re the coolest and make him the most money. Does that make me a mascot?]
I had surfed through a dozen pages of results from Google when something caught my attention. Beneath the title “Rainbow Dash and Soarin” was a small excerpt, with the words strict bondage jumping out at me.
What’s this?
I clicked on the link and a large image of Dash in a rubber Wonderbolts suit opened up. She was gagged and being mounted by Soarin. The artist had gone to great lengths to give the image as much detail as possible.
That’s. . .
[. . . Awesome! It’s like that dream we had.]
Gah, no way, we’re not going there.
I closed the tab and went to The Chive to look at images of scantily clad women—“Mind the Gap” to be precise.
I’m getting tired of being turned on by ponies.
[Well, at least these humans are really hot. I’d love to get my hands on those flanks of hers.]
And what? Tell poor Soarin you’re into alien females now?
[Yeah? Well, it’s not as stupid as being into ponies, you pervert!]
Let’s get our mind out of the gutter for a minute and find something productive to do.
[How about you get your mind out of the gutter? I’m not the one standing at attention here.]
Yeah, well I’m sure as hell not gonna do anything to fix that little problem to an image of you and Soarin. That’s for damn sure.
I heard a meow and noticed my cat staring at me from next to the computer.
[A cat is fine too.]
At the rate your mind entered the gutter I’m beginning to wonder if I was the pony and you were the human all along.
[It’s only a matter of time until I get control back, and you’ve just taught me how to use the internet. We’re gonna have fun tonight.]
I dare you to try that tonight, Dash! I’ll eat the biggest steak in the morning you’ve ever seen, wrapped in bacon, and with a side of greasy chicken strips.
[Heh, well you wouldn’t last ten sec—]
The phone rang and interrupted our train of thought. It was within arms reach, so I lifted it to my ear. “Hello?”
“Don? It’s Anthony. I need you to come back to the ER,” he said.
His voice was monotone and a bit deeper than normal, conveying his somber attitude. “Alright, what’s wrong with me?”
“We’ll talk about that when you get here.”
“Cut the bullshit, we’re professionals. What’d the lab results say?”
“Don, are you sure?”
“Yeah, you’re not gonna get me to come in to the ER by beating around the bush. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
I heard him sigh and some papers shuffling. “Don, I ordered as many tests off the samples you have already provided as I could. I don’t want to worry you pre-maturely, but with these white blood cell counts, the CK levels, creatinine in the urine. . . I think you could be having serious issues with your immune system.”
“Shit, well that explains the rash and fever.”
“Wait, you’ve had more symptoms? You idiot! Why didn’t you come in immediately?”
I shook my head and glanced up at the screen, seeing several tabs still open to various pony related websites. “Like I said, a lot on my mind.”
“We need to run more tests. Somehow the change in eye color, your sickness, maybe even the mental status changes are all tied into a massive autoimmune—”
“Stop, what was that last part?”
The phone was awkwardly silent for a moment. “Uh, your sickness?”
“After that.”
“Autoimmune?”
“No! Fucking mental status changes,” I shouted.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to worry you.” He sighed and took a deep breath. “Melody got the board involved. . . They’re moving to fire you for being mentally ill and a threat to patients. We can fight this. She made you work while sick, but I absolutely have to admit you for evaluation and further testing.”
We can’t go in. If your friends do come looking for us, we have to be here waiting.
[He’s right, though. I can feel your body too. You feel worse than you look, and you look like shit. We should go let him help. It won’t do either of us any good if you get hurt.]
You don’t understand, we could be stuck there weeks!
“No thanks, maybe tomorrow.” I started to move the phone away from my ear.
“Wait!” he shouted. I brought the phone back to my ear. “Don?”
“Yeah?”
“Look, this is why I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, but these lab results are really bad. Judging by them, and the fact you just admitted to further symptoms, I think your immune system will cause massive organ failure inside a week. You need to come in now or you’ll be dead before your next shift!”
I wasn’t left with any choice but to race to the hospital in a panic. It wasn’t every day a doctor would say, “Oh, you’ve got less than a week to live.” In fact, I couldn’t have recalled anyone ever saying that.
[Slow down! Sheesh, even I don’t race that fast.]
This is all your fault! Now I’m gonna die!
[Whoa, time out. This is Discord’s fault.]
My car blew through a final intersection and I pulled up to the emergency room of the hospital. They likely heard me coming when I inadvertently plowed through a few signs in the parking lot.
Once the car screeched to a halt, I got out and ran inside. I saw Anthony and Melody waiting there for me. “You!” I pointed at Melody and walked up to her. She opened her mouth to reply right as my fist connected with her jaw, knocking her down to the floor.
Anthony and an orderly were on me in an instant. “Calm down, Don!” Anthony yelled.
[Whoa, Dude, this isn’t rational! Chill out!]
“Stop telling me to calm down! That bitch on the floor had me working when I should have been getting treated for some crazy-ass disease. And what the hell do you mean I only have a week to live?!” I demanded.
“Something’s attacking your DNA; I’ve never seen an immune response like it. All the blood samples we took yesterday have completely lysed.”
[Wow, if all the red blood cells and DNA completely broke down in under a day? Discord must have done a real number on you.]
Wait, how do you know what lysis is—you know what, forget it. We’re both gonna be dead in a week anyway.
[Speak for yourself, I plan to find us a way out of this.]
Good luck with that, Dash.
“Melody is already going to be suspended,” Anthony explained. “She denied you sick leave and medical attention and that violated the law. If you touch her again, we’d be lucky to get her a slap on the wrist, not to mention I will restrain you.”
I shook my arms and backed away from Melody. She was still staring at me in shock. “Is this sick enough for you?” I asked.
“I’m sorry,” she answered.
“Yeah, well, ‘sorry’ isn’t going to fix whatever this is.” I gestured up and down my body.
“Come on, let’s talk,” Anthony said.
We went into one of the patient rooms and I sat down on the bed and relaxed. “So, what the hell is going on?” I inquired.
“I was about to ask you the same thing. The amount of damage to your cells. . . I’ve never seen anything like it. You must have pissed off the wrong deity.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” I quipped.
“Is there anything else I should know about this illness?”
“Nothing you’d believe, and I’d rather die with my sanity intact.”
Anthony took the otoscope off the wall, using the light to check my pupils for responsiveness before clicking on the earpiece and looking in my ear canal. “Well, believe it or not, you’ve got to give me something to go on. I can’t treat a mystery disease that causes cellular breakdown.”
“And I can’t believe you think the answer is in my ear.” I brushed him back from my head. “Look, can you at least leave my explanation out the paperwork for now if I tell you? I don’t want it on my record unless it really is that bad.”
“Fine, off the record so long as you remain stable.”
[You really think he’ll believe you visited an alien world and have a pony living in your head?]
Don’t have many other options at this point, do I?
[I guess not.]
“Alright, so four days ago I was having dinner with my special somepon—no wait, someone, and this guy. Wait, dammit, I can’t think straight.”
[You were eating some salad, remember? Oh, and nice uppercut by the way.]
“Yeah! I was eating some salad, something was wrong with my T.V., and I lost consciousness. I woke up, and here’s the kicker, in a land of cartoonish looking ponies. I could swear I spent days there, and that when I woke up I brought one back with me and it’s living in my head.”
Anthony was struggling to hide his shock at what I had said by chewing on his lip. “So, have you ever heard voices before you passed out?”
“What?” I asked. “Of course not!” I shook my head. “No, it’s all too real anyway. The audio, visual, smells, tastes, the feel of being a pony.”
“You weren’t human when you woke up? Does this have anything to do with the little girl and her pony yesterday?”
Crap, I’d hoped to avoid mentioning that I woke up in a children’s cartoon show.
[Hey, we’re not a cartoon show. If anything, you guys are some kind of mind-reading super-aliens.]
“Yeah, I swear I didn’t know anything about My Little Pony since I was a kid in the eighties. They’ve got a whole new show now, and somehow I was in it, but I’d never seen it before. And now you think I’m crazy.”
“No, you’re not crazy,” Anthony said.
And that’s exactly what we’re trained to say when we think someone is crazy.
[I don’t think you’re crazy.]
Says the voice in my head.
“Look, I, uh. . . believe that you think this all happened. I’ll run labs and get an EEG. If you have a neural degenerative disease triggering an autoimmune response—”
“What?” I interrupted.
[Your nerves are being fried, probably because with two of us they’re being used twice as much with no breaks. I’ve got my money on your physiology not being as adaptable as a pony’s, or that Discord forced this disease to trigger.]
Seriously, Dash, do you know how creepy it is when you know things I’m supposed to know but forgot?
[Not as creepy as you always remembering what I did instead of what you did when someone asks where we were a few days ago.]
I never thought I’d say this, but I miss your body. It seemed so much easier to stay a step ahead of this.
[I bet it has to do with Twilight or my Element. I seem to have a knack for not getting hurt since meeting her.]
“—and lay back while we connect the leads,” Anthony explained.
“What?” I looked at him and another doctor in the room, who I recognized as a neurologist. “Oh, splendid.” I scooted back and laid down on the bed. They began to connect leads over my scalp and forehead to read brainwave activity.
“This won’t be as accurate as an MRI where we can track which segments of the brain are active, but it’s a start,” Anthony explained. “If there are any other unusual electrical patterns this will pick them up too.”
“I know, let’s just hurry up so we can get back to focusing on the whole ‘not dying’ bit.”
“Just relax and try to empty your mind.”
Yeah, empty my mind. I don’t suppose you found an emergency exit back there?
[Nah, but I did find some interesting memories about your childhood.]
Oh, now that’s just nosy! You breathe a word about that to anypony, and I’ll tell them all about you and the colt at flight camp.
[Now I understand mutually assured destruction. You humansare beginning to make sense to me.]
Exactly! I wonder why Discord and Celestia didn’t wind up in a standoff. They both seem to have the power to wipe out Equestria.
[Crap, that’s right. You still think Discord, Q, and De Lancie are tied together?]
I don’t know, but if I could cross dimensions, and one dimension was full of magical ponies that hated my guts, I’d probably hang out in another dimension until I had an airtight plan in place.
[I’d hardly call his plan airtight. It’s annoying as hell, though.]
I looked around and noticed the machine had started picking up my brainwave. The two doctors were talking to each other in hushed tones. “What is it?”
“Don’t move, you’re disrupting it,” the neurologist ordered.
I strained myself to hear what they were saying. “I’ve never seen two brainwave patterns at once. Re-check the leads, this can’t be right,” Anthony said.
I tried to open my mouth and laugh, telling him how this proves I’m right. However, I couldn’t move.
Dash, you in control again?
[No, I thought you still were.]
The beeping of the machine seemed a little louder and I turned to look at it. That was when I realized something was very wrong. Turning back, I saw myself laying in the bed. Somehow I was looking down at myself from above.
Shit! Oh this is bad, how can I be out here? I can’t move, I can’t talk!
[What’s going on?!]
Across the bed from me I saw Dash, rainbow mane and all. She appeared pale and translucent, almost like a ghost, yet I knew those didn’t exist.
Could this be an out-of-body experience? I’ve always heard of them but—
[Don’t out-of-body experiences usually happen as people die?]
Way to jinx it.
The machines started beeping the high-pitched warning tones that were the bane of every nurse. This signaled everyone within hearing range that one of two things had happened; either the IV pump had an air bubble in it, or the patient was dying. Every time you fixed the beeping on one machine, another one would go off as soon as you sat down. It was a never ending cycle.
Nurses rushed in past me and it was hard to see the machines, or Dash. I could barely tell what was going on in the hustle.
Is this it?
[Don!]
When I heard her call my name I turned and saw her grimacing in pain. There was a breeze in the room and I could feel it pushing us apart.
Dash, what’s happening?
[I don’t know! Help me!]
In the few remaining seconds I had left, my ghostly body forced its way over the bed. I could see the brainwaves had vanished from one machine. There was a crushing pain on my chest, and I realized a nurse was hard at work doing chest compressions on me.
Fuck, I won’t let us die! Not when we are this close to a doctor fixing this!
Dash seemed to be fading, perhaps dying, but I had to try. I reached out until I could grab her hoof, and felt her memories rushing back to me. The room was fading to white as I did my best to shield her from death, as if my sacrifice would stay his scythe.
I had done all I could, and as my world faded from sight I heard two final words.
[Thank you.]
Dash coughed and twitched as her body adjusted to her return. Voices nearby were drowned out by a loud ringing noise, and the lights were too bright. She fought the urge to vomit as blurry shapes resolved themselves in her vision.
“She’s waking up.”
There was a heavy weight on her chest, uncomfortably warm, causing her to sweat. Whatever it was seemed to penetrate her body, searing it to the core, yet at the same time it made her feel safe.
Several sore muscles begged for relief and caused her to curl up into a ball. As Dash’s hearing and vision returned to normal, one of the voices clicked in her head. “Cel—tia?”
“It’s okay. Rest, Dash,” Celestia replied.
Dash could make out her hooves in front of her and feel her wings twitching. She finally felt normal, if beaten, but was in her own body. Yet it felt like something was missing. “What. . . happened?”
“Rest first—”
“Tia, ease her mind. You are safe now, Dash,” Luna stated.
Celestia sighed and sat down next to Dash. “When Discord banished you, the Element of Loyalty activated. I’d never seen anything like it. It lead us to you but we were too late, yet somehow the Element was still linked to you.”
“So it’s over? Discord?” Dash asked.
“He fled with his tail between his legs,” Luna replied.
Dash struggled to silence the nagging at the back of her mind. Something was missing and demanded her attention. “Don!” she shouted. Sitting up, she looked around and felt a wave of nausea wash over her form the sudden movement. Resting on the floor with blankets draped over them were the other Elements of Harmony. “What happened to my friends?”
“They activated the Elements to rescue you. It was taxing; they remained active longer than I have ever seen. For at least twenty minutes it held open a rainbow portal, bridging the gap between the worlds. Loyalty acted almost like a safety rope, as the other Elements reeled you back in,” Celestia explained. “It was truly magnificent. I had always wondered how far an Element could go to protect its user.”
“But Don, he’s dying back there!” Dash shouted. “Send me back, we’ve got to help him!”
“We can’t, Dash. Were it not for your link to loyalty, and the trace magics of Discord, there would have been no hope of us rescuing you. I don’t even know how it rescued you, just that we owe the Elements of Harmony far more than we can ever repay,” Luna said.
“He tried to protect me in the end; he was in the hospital and things looked bad. . . but he tried to protect me.”
“Dash, I’m sorry. At least Don got back to Earth. Even if he died, he did so among his own kind,” Celestia stated.
[Died? No, but I feel like I went through a meat grinder.]
“D-Don?” Dash stuttered.
“He was a good pony—er, human, Dash,” Luna condoled.
[Pony? Aww, I was really hoping this was a fever dream. We’re back in Equestria, aren’t we?]
Yeah! Oh thank Celestia you’re alright. Don’t you ever scare me like that again! I thought you died on Earth.
[Part of me wishes I did, this headache is killing me. Why’d they bring me back?]
“Celestia! We saved Don, he’s still in my head!” Dash hugged her and felt the Element of Loyalty still pulsing against her chest.
“This is most unexpected. We thought your Element would only bring you back. I fear we may have just stranded him again,” Luna observed.
“I wonder if him trying to protect me caused him to get pulled. . .” Dash yawned, “pulled through too.”
“Rest, Dash, and we will see to it you both are healed as much as we can,” Luna said.
“But I’m not—” Dash felt Luna’s magic wash over her, and passed out into a deep sleep.
I was much more aware of my surroundings as I woke up this time. Memories resurfaced quickly and I recalled I was back in Equestria again. My human memories of the hospital already seemed like a distant memory, surrounded by a haze. Part of me still felt like I had died, yet I cleared my head of such pessimistic thoughts. I had made it to the hospital—I would still be alive. I just needed a way back home.
When I felt the last traces of drowsiness fade I realized how badly I was sweating. The blanket was much too hot. I tried to push it off but was pinned down by something. Opening my eyes revealed two teal eyes and a smiling face.
“Gah!” I kicked my legs out and inched away from Fluttershy, bumping into a pony behind me. I looked and saw it was Applejack, who had cuddled up on the other side of me.
“Easy, Dash, we just wanted to keep you warm and safe,” Fluttershy explained.
“Oh, I’m all for cuddling, but staring at me as I wake up is really creepy. My cat does that,” I said.
“Your cat? Oh dear, is that you Don?”
“Yeah, who else would it be?”
[Lance Armstrong?]
Haha, glad you’re back to the wise cracks. How are you? Are you okay? Did we—
[Calm down, Dude, I’m pretty sure we’re back to the status quo.]
Oh, that’s very reassuring. Trapped in a pony, no way home, evil villain terrorizing a nation, and confusing feelings of attraction to your friends and that handsome stallion named Soarin.
[Hey, that’s a normal day for the Elements of Harmony.]
When this is a normal day, I think it’s a clear sign from the universe you need a new job.
“Ugh, Fluttershy quit hoggin’ the blanket and makin’ a ruckus. Ah’m sleepin’ here,” Applejack muttered.
“Applejack, Dash and Don are okay!” Fluttershy cheered and started to jump up and down on the bed.
“What?” Applejack rolled over and looked me in the face. “Quit actin’ like a filly, Fluttershy, all this bouncin’ is gonna make ‘em throw up.”
“Hey, AJ.” I looked at her and smirked. “So, uh, how are things?”
“Things?” Applejack stood up and hit me in the shoulder. “Don’t you two ever scare me like that again! Ah ran all over this city, searched every building, and didn’t catch a wink of sleep ‘til that spell brought ya back.”
“Whoa, ouch. Okay, I promise not to almost die in another dimension again,” I apologized.
[I don’t know, getting Applejack to admit she has feelings is a huge accomplishment. I’m surprised she didn’t challenge me to a race to see who could get zapped to another dimension faster.]
Applejack wiped something from her face. “Come ‘ere.” She pulled me in and hugged me. “Ah’m just glad you're safe, Dash.”
“I’m Don.”
“Ya know what ah mean, and ya ain’t half bad yourself, Don.”
“Good, because Dash says she’ll kick your flank in the next Iron Pony Competition with two wings tied behind her back,” I taunted.
“What? Ya nearly died and ya want another contest?” Applejack stepped back with her eyes wide in shock. “Are ya outta your mind?”
[Ahahahaha, this is priceless!]
“Pfft, I’m Rainbow Don, and together a trivial thing like death in a galaxy far, far away is just a warm up.”
Applejack stared at me a moment and started laughing. “Y’all had me goin’. We best get you outta Dash before the rest of her personality rubs off on ya, Don.”
I sat back up, now free of the blanket and cooling off. “So, where’s everypony else?”
“I’m making falafels!” Pinkie shouted. I flinched and turned around to see her across the room in a small kitchen. “First you take a fava bean, and chickpeas just a pinch. . .”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to enjoy her antics,” I explain to Fluttershy.
“Well, we’re heading back to Ponyville and leaving the search for Cadance and Shining to the royal guard,” Fluttershy explained. “It’s far too dangerous here to go out alone. Celestia put a bunch of new magic on our Elements. She told us not to take them off until Discord is brought to justice.”
“Take this, it’ll keep you safe!” Pinkie threw a falafel at me, hit me and fell to the floor.
The weight of the necklace suddenly became obvious to me, and I looked down. Sure enough it was glowing softly. “I get her concern, but we can’t just leave ponies behind.”
“Don, ya can’t risk gettin’ caught by Discord again,” Applejack stated.
“So what? We send the fastest pony in Equestria home to wait and die a slow death, while an entire empire of ponies is out hiding from Discord? We just pack up Twilight who has faced him before, and go home?” I argued.
“We can’t be splitting up,” Twilight said as she walked in. “I want to make sure my brother is okay, but Discord comes first.”
[Don’t let her pull that, Shining would never leave her behind for anything. We could cover this entire empire in, like, thirty minutes.]
I doubt they’re in the empire. They’d probably take shelter from the cold in a nearby cave.
“Look, Twilight, there’s a saying on Earth that you leave no man behind. Well, I don’t think Celestia herself could convince Shining to stop looking for you.”
“But I’m a princess now; I have a responsibility to Equestria—”
“Yes, you’re a princess,” I interrupted. “So go tell Princess Celestia that the search isn’t off yet. Oh, and find me a map of any nearby caves and some bacon—crap, I mean like a vegetable or something. I’m starving and I don’t know what a falafel is.”
“It’s super yummy!” Pinkie hollered. “I start with a cup of sugar, three parts cinnamon, a finger of clove, a dram of chickpea, a sack of flour, two grains of honey, and half a cherimoya.”
“Pinkie, cherimoya trees only grow in the mountains of Southern Zebrah—” Twilight stopped when Pinkie pulled one of the fruits out of her hair. “One day, Pinkie. One day I’ll find a scientific explanation for you.”
“Oh silly, it’s easy! When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much—”
“Don, I’ll go talk to the princess,” Twilight interjected. “You’re correct, I wouldn’t feel right leaving them here. Maybe she’ll let us go out together.”
“—with flowers, maybe a nice dinner, and a diamond bracelet. He takes her back to his bedroom—”
“That sounds good, Twilight,” I reply. “I’m only kinda-sorta Dash, but I’m sure I’m just as fast.”
“—with a Marey White CD and a scented candle—”
[Hey, no way you’re as fast as me! I could totally beat you in a race. This is my body after all.]
“—dripping the hot wax along her forelegs causing her to tug against the ropes—”
No offense, you have a lovely body with firm muscles, curves in the right places, and beautiful eyes.
“—with the blunt side of the paddle until he can’t wait any longer—”
[What? Quit hitting on me! Now you’re just messing with me again, right?]
“—and plants a baby Pinkie inside of mommy!”
Eh, only a little. You really are pretty sexy, or maybe that’s just you taking over my half of the brain and making me think I like you, or me losing my identity, or me being desperate for some action. It just doesn’t sound as awesome when I put it like that, though.
I noticed Pinkie staring at me. “Hey, Don, you need me to repeat that?”
“Nope, I heard you loud and clear! Now I know the, uh. . . scientific reasons for a Pinkie Pie. Thanks!” I answered.
Looking to my left for backup, I found Applejack doing a crossword puzzle and Fluttershy combing her hair. “You’re on your own,” she whispered.
“Okie dokie loki! Come help me stir the batter, Don! I know, let’s list all the words that rhyme with Don while we mix,” Pinkie said.
“Yay,” I deadpanned.
At some point she’ll run out of energy and we can figure out our next move to fix this mess.
[First off, she never tires out. Secondly, it’s simple: we punch Discord in the throat, cast the Rainbow of pain on him, and break the statue into a million pieces.]
That’s rather violent. And speaking of Discord, wasn’t he just hiding on Earth the whole time? What if the statue was a fake and he was just biding time? What if all that creepy pony T.V. show stuff is true, and this is all some fever dream as my brain shuts down?
[That sounds like quitter talk to me. This is real and we’re going to kick his ass. As for the fact he was on Earth, yeah you ought to mention that to the princesses.]
“A lawn fawn spawn and yawn! Run-on pecan put-on a salon in Kazakhstan!” Pinkie cheered. “Oh, you have so a great name for rhyming!”
“Pinkie have you heard of the quiet game?” I ask.
“Yeah, but I don’t like it. Fluttershy always wins,” she replied.
Twilight and Luna walked in, and I immediately trotted away from Pinkie to join them. “So, good news?” I asked.
“Celestia wouldn’t agree to let us all split up and search. She’s agreed to allow us to send out search parties to aid the guards, one princess and one of us. Somepony has to stay here, so she’ll let you and Luna go. I’ll accompany the guards within the city limits,” Twilight explained.
[What about getting you back home?]
“Did she say anything about returning me to Earth?”
Twilight smiled. “She did mention that she was studying the Elements and Discord’s magic. Celestia said if there is a way, she’ll find it. For now, you’re stuck here and it appears that is for the best.”
“Huh, how’s it the best thing for us? Won’t Dash and I die if we stay here?” I ask.
“Celestia and I hypothesize that the Element of Loyalty has fail-safes to protect its wearer, since the two are linked together permanently. We know so little about them, but they appear to be slowing the damage to Dash’s mind and expelling the foreign object from her.”
“The hell? That foreign object is me!” I shout.
“Don,” Luna said. She stepped forward and smiled. “We will find a way to save you, and for the time being your relationship with Dash seems to be giving the Elements pause. They only work on disharmony, and you’ve been getting along with Dash. That harmony may very well keep you both alive and foil Discord’s plan.”
“Well, I guess that’s a start.” I look up at Luna, realizing what a large height difference there was between us normal ponies and alicorns. “So, let’s get going. I’ve been dying to stretch my wings.”
“Don’t you mean Dash’s wings?” Twilight asked.
“Heh, yeah, but at this point she doesn’t even bother to correct me anymore. I’m pretty sure our brains are soup by now. Speaking of soup, Dash and I found something disturbing on Earth that could prove Discord has really been hiding there, instead of being a statue all this time.”
“Most interesting, but how does soup remind you of Discord?” Twilight asked.
“Pinkie, will you explain it for me?” I shout.
“Of course!” Pinkie ran over to Twilight. “You see, when a chef loves a vegetable very much and invites it to a crock pot—”
[I thought she just said that we weren’t having our brains mixed up.]
Oh we certainly are, I don’t think Discord would overlook something that simple. He must have been planning revenge for a long time, even if his way of going about it was pretty lame and failed at first.
[Yeah, I wonder why he didn’t attack anyone else. If he’d put humans in all of the Elements I’m sure at least one would have snapped.]
Who knows? Maybe even his power has limits, and bringing me here took too much of his magic to risk repeating. Either way, at least it looks like our new worst-case scenario only involves me dying, and you getting to live.
[Hey, that wasn’t the deal! Don’t you go get comfortable with the thought you can just die and make things better. We’ll fix this and you’ll owe me one hell of a back massage with those fingers.]
Yeah, I really miss my fingers.
I backed up and stifled a laugh, and nodded to Luna. We went out onto the balcony and I noticed the daylight was bright and the air warmer than I’d expect this far north. “Lovely weather, it’s almost like somepony moved the sun to warm it up.”
“Celestia did move the sun,” Luna replied.
“I have a feeling they didn’t teach sarcasm on the moon.” I looked up at her to gauge her reaction.
“Indeed they did not. The last pony to disrespect me with sarcasm was disemboweled by my hooves in his dream, causing him to have a heart attack. Those were dark times. . .”
Luna continued staring ahead and I couldn’t get a good read on her face. “Wait, you’re joking, right?”
“Perhaps I shall visit you in your dreams tonight as Nightmare Moon and demonstrate.” She glanced over at me condescendingly and watched me shrink back in fear.
“Uh, no thanks!”
Luna broke out laughing and shook her head. “You are fine, Don. It is true I know of sarcasm. Celestia has suggested I ‘loosen up’ around ponies and use humor to bond with them.”
[Talk about bad vibes.]
“Yeah, normally threatening to disembowel someone isn’t funny, but I’ll let it slide. You’ve come to the right pony if you want lessons of sarcasm.”
“Perhaps we should begin our search, and discuss your theories about Discord living on Earth.” Luna pulled out a geographic map of the area and had circled a few caves. “We have dispatched pairs of guards to each cave, though most would take a day round-trip to explore and report back.”
“Not to mention you’re sending two guards out alone across hundreds of miles of territory to distant caves with a pissed-off chaos god on the loose. I doubt any of them report back.”
“At least we have our cynicism in common. Let’s start here at the closest cave.” Luna pointed to one that looked no more than an hour or two from the Crystal Empire.
[We could be there in like five minutes.]
“No, if I were evacuating a city from a threat, that’s too obvious. Any enemy that found this map would make the same assumption, searching the closest caves first.”
“Cadence would not have made them march for days through the snow,” Luna retorted.
[They had some crystal mines under the castle in Canterlot; maybe they have similar mines here. It would explain where they got all the crystal to build the city.]
“Dash has a good idea: What about the mines where they got the materials to build the Crystal Empire? There would likely be leftover supplies there, plenty of room, perhaps even an entrance near the city that isn’t on this map because it’s not naturally occurring.”
Luna set the map down and began to trace imaginary lines around it with her hoof. “Could be. It was so long ago that I last visited the empire—twelve-hundred years I believe.”
“So you know where the mines are?” I asked.
“I know where they were, but that was according to old maps. This one was made less than a year ago. Aha!” Luna jabbed a hoof North-West of the city. “I believe it’s here.”
“Let’s go already! I can’t stand all this talking when we could be flying.”
“Then let’s fly, and you can fill me in on Discord.”
Flying above the outskirts of the Crystal Empire reminded me of the Antarctic. Everywhere I looked was an endless expanse of snow. There were some evergreen trees and pockets of lichen, even a frozen lake or two. Yet most of that vast tundra seemed to be buried in snow, and at the time we could only keep our bearings by looking at the mountain range to our right.
“Luna, if we find Discord can we force him to send me back using the Elements?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. The Elements would most likely imprison him in stone again. It is unfortunate that Loyalty isn’t working or we would have leverage to bargain with him.” Luna dove to the right towards some rocky ground in the distance.
I swooped down and caught up to her easily, feeling the icy wind cut through my feathers.
“Your mastery of flight is impressive. It is amazing how much you have learned from coexisting with her.”
“That’s what I don’t get, Luna. If I’m turning into Dash, why won’t Loyalty work? It’s not like I’m disloyal. If anything, I think I’ve handled this whole debacle rather well.”
She chuckled and flared her wings, slowing down while we surveyed the landscape. “Indeed. According to what you’ve told me, Discord has done more than visit Earth. He has created a life for himself there. No doubt he knew enough about humans to know they’d disrupt the Elements of Harmony. He couldn’t have predicted how they’d disrupt them or that they may not disrupt them at all. I’m more concerned for his contingency plan.”
“What? Like zap more humans over here?”
“Yes, or he could just give up on revenge for a few centuries and live on Earth, striking again when the Elements are in less capable hooves.”
I slowed down to a hover, following Luna’s lead. “What’d you guys do to make him hate everypony so much?”
“All beings that live millennia get to know each other, almost like siblings. What at first may be a cute habit becomes annoying, and bickering begins. Discord, like Celestia and I, has lived on Equestria for thousands of years. Our father used to keep a truce with Discord until his. . . passing.”
“Okay, so what can we do to fix everything?”
“I fear there is not much you can do. I admit my studies of the Canterlot library have been fruitless thus far. You are an unknown variable, for us as much as Discord. No pressure, Don, but you’ll either foil his plans or cause them to succeed. You, Dash, and your choices will play a larger role than any magic in keeping you alive in our world.”
“Thanks. That’s comforting.” I rolled my eyes and crossed my legs. It felt like a natural gesture.
Yeah, no pressure, Don. I just need to save an entire world from the god of chaos by fixing a broken, magical necklace while inhabiting another pony’s body.
[Pfft, you make it sound like it’ll be hard. I bet you fifty bits in a few days we’ve beat Discord and sent you home.]
You’re on. I’m sure the conversion rate for bits to US dollars will be favorable considering I have the only fifty in existence.
[See? You just have to look on the bright side of life.]
Or the bright side of death.
[What do you mean?]
Well, I’ve been thinking about it and if we have to choose. . . I think I’d rather die than let you die.
[Whoa, back up. No one is going to die!]
I wish I could believe that, but my memories are so blurry, you know? Being back on Earth helped, but I feel like I’ve lost decades of my life. What kind of car did I drive? Where did I go to school? Who was my high school sweetheart?
[Well, let’s not dwell on it. I’m forgetting stuff too.]
There should be something more definite we can do to fix it. I hate just waiting for stuff to happen.
[Well, for now, why don’t we check out that cave over there.]
What cave?
[See that snow drift there? It’s loosely packed powder and it’s slanted in a different direction than the other drifts. The snow came in from the northwest, and it’s pointing southeast.]
On the off chance you get stranded on Earth at the end of this, you’d make millions as a weather pony on the news.
[Ha! Predicting the weather is child’s play.]
Not for Humans, we’re lucky to predict five days in advance.
I noticed Luna staring at me and smirking. “What?”
“Oh nothing.” She chuckled. “Just enjoying the looks on your face while you talk to Dash.”
“Laugh it up, furball.” I pointed towards the odd patch of snow. “Dash says we should check out that hill.”
“Why? It’s just more snow.”
“Hey, which one of us is the weather pony? Stand back and watch.”
[Ugh, just fly down and scoop the snow out of the way. We don’t need witty catch phrases.]
On the contrary, I’m just getting started. I might as well have some. All my ‘catch phrases’ have never been uttered in Equestria before.
[Great, so now we’ve got a stand-up comedian. Do me a favor and save the jokes for the night club in Ponyville. I’d prefer to be drunk when you’re telling them.]
I sighed and flew down towards the patch of snow. My intent was to land on it and flap my wings, using the large gust of wind to sweep the snow away. What actually happened was a high speed collision with a large snowbank. There was an explosion of powdery snow as I tumbled back into the air, then hit the ground.
Looking behind me revealed a shimmering pink shield holding up a layer of snow. When I got to my hooves, I found some broken railroad tracks beneath them. Sure enough, a large mine shaft was in front of me.
“Well done, Don.” Luna landed inside the force field, knocking most of the rest of the snow off of it. “I believe we’ve found Cadance.”
Inside the mine I spotted a pony with a lantern, who quickly darted off when he realized he had been discovered. “I hope Cadance is in a good mood. It looks like we just alerted her guards to our presence.”
I moaned as I felt a headache coming on. Great, this is just what we need.
[What’s wrong?]
That headache, how can you not feel it?
I collapsed to my haunches and grabbed my head. My ears were ringing and I wished I could just go to sleep until it passed.
“Don?” Luna asked. Her magic swept over Dash’s body.
“I just need a nap.”
When I woke up we were back at the hotel in the Crystal Empire. I was much warmer and felt much better now. The next thing I realized was that Dash was in control and I breathed a sigh of relief. At least I would have breathed if I had any control over her body. It was actually comforting to relax and let her deal with the stress of all the chaos going on.
Hey, Dude, you okay?
[Yeah, Dash. I don’t know what came over me. I was so sleepy and I had a headache.]
You had me really worried. Luna used her magic and she said you were just unconscious, but I thought we agreed you wouldn’t scare me anymore!
[Sorry about that, next time I pass out I’ll ask forpermission. And thanks for being concerned.]
“Hey, Luna, Don’s fine. Back to his old self,” Dash said.
“Excellent.” Luna walked over and placed a hoof on Dash’s head.
[Hoof! Applied directly to the forehead! Swat that away for me, will ya? It still kinda hurts.]
“Is this the human I’ve heard so much about?” Cadance asked.
I watched as Dash looked at her. She appeared younger and much more lively than the other alicorns I had seen. Her many shades of pink fur and gentle smile gave her a completely different aura around her. Where Celestia and Luna ruled with an air of divinity, she seemed to radiate compassion and understanding.
“Nah, it’s me. Don just woke up,” Dash explained.
[Hey, what’d I miss? So you found the missing ponies?]
All of them except Shining. Cadance says he took the crystal heart as bait, so Discord chased him instead of the town’s ponies.
[Shit, that doesn’t sound good. How did Twilight take the news?]
Not well. The third floor of the hotel has a balcony now.
[Yikes, that doesn’t sound like her. Can we go check on her?]
As soon as Celestia is done calming her down, sure. It’s not like Discord to kill anypony—at least it wasn’t until recently. I’m sure Shining is okay.
[Yeah, he. . .]
I tried recalling who he was with no luck. Normally it seemed easier to recall Dash’s memories than my own. My thoughts were interrupted as Dash joined in the conversation taking place.
“He won’t let us down. Shining has a sixth sense for danger and his protective magic would have kept him safe,” Cadance explained.
“I’m sure it would. I’m just saying I’d feel better if we stayed here to make sure Discord doesn’t attack again,” Luna said.
“Yeah, what better weapon than the Elements is there to have on your side?” Dash added.
“You have an entire nation to protect—let me watch over the Crystal Empire. I can power the same wards we used against Sombra for a day or two without the crystal heart. That much has been proven.”
Celestia walked in, followed by Twilight. “That won’t be necessary.”
[Wow, that was quick.]
“Sister?” Luna asked.
“The Elements of Harmony are being sent back to Ponyville, until we have a lead on Discord. I will stay here with Cadance, to search for Shining, the heart, and Discord. You will watch over Canterlot and Ponyville,” Celestia explained.
“Is it wise to split us up?” Luna glanced over to Twilight. “She may not be able to handle him on his own. He wasn’t taking her seriously last time.”
“I can’t be selfish in this.” Twilight looked over at Dash, then back to Luna. “Shining is my brother, but I have a responsibility to Ponyville, and my friends. Celestia agreed to help Cadance find him, so that we can focus on tracking down Discord. I will succeed in imprisoning him again.”
“I never doubted you, Twilight.” Cadance walked over to her and drapped a wing over her. Twilight seemed to cheer up considerably.
“Everypony should get some sleep. A train will leave in the morning to Ponyville.” Celestia nodded and left the room, followed by Luna and Cadance. Twilight went to the nearest bed and slumped down on it.
[You should go comfort her.]
Dash went over to Twilight. “Hey, Shining will be fine.”
“Thanks.” Twilight yawned and levitated her tiara to the nightstand.
“I mean it. Did you see how much air he got when he chucked Cadance at Sombra? I’m sure he could snap Discord in half.”
“Heh, I guess so.”
“Dashie!” Pinkie ran into the room and tackled her in a hug. I was grateful to be spectating as it was much easier to drown her out when she started talking a hundred words per second.
“Easy there, Pinkie, we’re fine,” Dash explained.
“I was so worried when I heard Don passed out! He hasn’t really tasted one of my cupcakes yet. I mean, he’s tasted one you ate. But I really want to bake cupcakes for him after we fix everything and throw him a whole new party. Promise you will take better care of him, Dash!”
“Whoa.” Dash put her hooves up in surrender. “I promise, though he sorta does his own thing.”
“Okay, and you be more careful, mister!” Pinkie pointed at Dash’s eye. I chuckled, knowing she meant me.
The other ponies began to file into the room and get ready for bed. This ranged from Applejack taking her stetson off to Pinkie putting on fuzzy green pajamas. I was surprised that before Dash could get in her bed, Rarity came over.
“Dash,” Rarity said.
“What’s up?”
“I owe you two an apology. I was rather short when we first met, and I keep on thinking I’ve lost you, Dash. I realized that, well. . . you’re both my friends.” Rarity leaned in and hugged Dash. “And as long as my late night activities at the Boutique remain secret, so will your sexy maid outfit.”
[Ahahaha! She drives a hard bargain, huh, Dash? Personally, I think that sexy maid outfit was awesome!]
Ugh, don’t encourage her.
“Thanks, Rarity.”
Dash turned around to get in her bed and found Fluttershy tossing a pillow onto it. “Oh, hi, Dash. There weren’t enough beds, I hope you don’t mind.”
[Of course not! She’s so cute when she is nervous.]
“What about that one?” Dash pointed across the room next to Pinkie.
[You monster! Let her cuddle with us!]
“It was really, um. . . itchy.” Fluttershy blushed and looked at the floor. “If you don’t want me to. . .”
“Nah, of course it’s fine. I just don’t want it to make you feel weird.”
“Oh, I’m fine with it if you are,” Fluttershy explained.
[What are you two going on about?]
None of your business if you want me to agree to cuddle.
[Easy there, fair enough. I won’t go digging around your memories to find out why that perfectly-toned yellow flank makes you blush.]
Dash stared at Fluttershy’s flank, obeying the thought I’d planted in her head. She then began to blush, something akin to desire filling her mind before she cut it off. The two of them definitely had some history, yet unlike Dash’s surface thoughts whatever had made the two so close was a guarded memory.
Damn it, Dude! Stop with the hijinx. Can’t we just go, like, two days without you making me have hot flashes around Fluttershy?
[I guess that depends on whether or not you scratch that itch next time we’re in the shower.]
Unbelievable. You’re unbelievable!
“Don,” Fluttershy said. Dash looked up at her. “I know you can hear me and I just wanted to say thank you.”
“Huh, what’d he do now?” Dash asked. She climbed up onto the bed and got ready to go to sleep by patting down her pillow.
“Oh, well I kept thinking of him like one of my animals, because I’m so comfortable around them. Then I realized he isn’t a sick animal, but his own pony—or human. I just wanted him to know that all of the girls have agreed: he’s our friend.”
[Aww, I’ve always been your friend, but this seals the deal. Fluttershy is the best pony.]
Pfft, aside from me, maybe.
[Hey, ask Twilight if she can put me in Fluttershy’s head—]
Oh no, you don’t!
[What? My intentions are innocent! Imagine how much softer her fur must feel from inside her head.]
No way. You’re some special kind of twisted, and lucky for you I have a great sense of humor. You’d probably wind up taking a four hour bath in her body.
[If I did, it’d only be because she had been naug—]
Dash took off her Element of Loyalty and set it on the nightstand so that she could sleep comfortably. When she removed it from her neck, I began to feel pressure, almost like the headache from earlier.
Thanks for not finishing that thought.
[Dash—it’s back!]
She gasped as I began to direct the feelings of pain and distress at her. The lights seemed too bright, and the buzzing in her ears sounded like thousands of bees. Pins seemed to prick her skin, and there was a cold, hollow feeling around her neck.
[The—Element.]
Dash reached for the necklace, her hoof shaking as if she had way too much caffeine. It fell to the floor and I could do nothing but watch as she fumbled around for it. Finally it floated up and clicked around her neck.
A wave of warmth passed through her as everything seemed to fall back into its proper place, giving order to the chaos.
“Dash, are you okay?” Twilight asked.
When she looked around, Dash saw all five mares staring at her. “Uh, yeah I think so now.”
Twilight was still standing there with her horn glowing, and I could feel her probing into Dash’s mind. “Hmm, I think it’s best if you don’t attempt to remove the necklace again. I believe whatever Discord did to you, the Element of Loyalty is the only thing preventing it from finishing what he started.”
“Yay, more great news. . .” Dash rolled her eyes and sighed.
“Are ya alright, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
[Maybe all six of us could cuddle up in a corner. If I’m gonna die, I want to die happy.]
“Yeah, just feeling a little worn out. I’m not sure how much longer the two of us can keep this up. He’s been real cooperative and all, I just hate magic. Give me something I can understand, like wind currents, but not all this egghead stuff I have no power over,” Dash stated.
“Dash, I promised you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. When we get back to Ponyville, I’ll get right back on research to fix this,” Twilight said.
[Yep. We’ll go hang out in Ponyville, while Discord is off biding his time until we die, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Sounds like the perfect plan!]
“What’s to stop Discord from just sitting back until I die?” Dash asked.
“He knows me, my potential. I will find a way to reverse his magic and it’s only a matter of time. Do you think Discord will sit idly by while I counter his spells, and then invent wards to prevent him ever using that magic again?” Twilight asked.
[I guess she has a point.]
Dash shook her head.
“So it’s settled. You and Don just need to take it easy until I fix everything.” Twilight smiled and nodded to the others in the room. Everypony began getting back in bed.
[I don’t know about you, but I could go for a back rub.]
“I’m not asking Fluttershy for a back rub!” Dash said.
[Haha! You said that out loud. I win!]
“Oh, if you’d like one, I’d be glad to,” Fluttershy offered.
Damn you. . . but it would feel really nice. You’re a really sloppy flier. You feel that?
Dash lifted a wing and I felt several sore, knotted muscles.
[Ouch, did I do that?]
Yeah. You may have my memories on how to fly but you still have poor form.
[Well, sorry, Miss Wonderbolt! If I ever get a pair of wings you can teach me to fly properly.]
If you ever get a pair of wings I’ll have to institute a no-flying zone so you don’t hurt anypony.
[Oh come on, I’m not that bad. Aside from the trebuchet, a couple crash landings, oh, and who can forget having that handsome stallion Soarin save us from falling to our death?]
Handsome?
[Ugh, you know what I mean. Let’s not open that can of worms. If I’m lucky, I’ll get out of this without fantasizing about horse cock for the rest of my life.]
Hey, no need to be vulgar. Most ponies wouldn’t want to hang out with you if you talk like that.
[Well, good thing I’m in your head. You seem just as messed up as me.]
Dash rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’d love a back rub, if only to make Don quiet down for a bit.”
“Oh dear, is he giving you a hard time?” Fluttershy asked.
[No!]
“Yes, but it’s really nothing. Just his usual antics when he gets bored, or lonely, or happy. . . In fact he’s always like this. It was pretty funny for a while, but it’s getting old.”
Fluttershy lifted Dash’s chin and looked in her eyes. “You listen here, Mister”
[Wait, she’s talking to me?]
“There will be no more back rubs or cuddling if you don’t play nice with Dashie, capish?” Fluttershy stared into our eyes.
[I can see why you like her. I surrender. I’ll play nice and try not to torture you relentlessly.]
“Oh, no trying. It’s all or nothing if you want that back rub,” Dash said out loud.
“It is perfectly normal to start to get irritated when you spend too much time around someone,” Fluttershy added. “You two have been stuck so close together for days. I think between the back rub and a little truce I can have you both feeling better.”
[Okay, I get it. You scrub your hair too long and the skin starts to get sore.]
“He agrees,” Dash said. “Now, how about that back rub. He pulled my abductor muscles.”
Fluttershy cracked the joints in her forelegs. “Don’t you worry one bit. When I’m through, your muscles will feel like rubber.”
[Uh oh, is this going to be one of those massages where they stand on your back?]
As if to answer my question, Fluttershy gently pulled one of Dash’s wings open, then caused a few of the joints to pop softly and re-aligned them slightly. I felt Dash biting her lip from the pain, but when Fluttershy let go, the wing felt much better.
Yep, she’s a chiropractor.
[That’s fine with me, as long as she doesn’t pretend to be a real doctor.]
Another joint popped and her hooves began kneading at a muscle. I must have fallen asleep quickly, as I couldn’t remember the rest of the massage.
The train hadn’t pulled into Ponyville yet, leaving me a little while longer to go spelunking in our memories. Dash had been in control for the entire train ride, which suited me just fine. The sky was overcast, which lead Pinkie to announce she needed to throw a party to bring the sun back out. Focusing on my fading memories allowed me to drown out countless songs, the most offensive of which was “One hundred cupcakes on the wall”.
So far the results of my search had been disheartening. When I had first arrived, there was still a sense of self-image of my body in Dash’s brain. I still thought of myself in human terms: toes, fingers, and pale skin. The change could have been subtle or sudden, but now I would immediately imagine myself as a pegasus. I had to correct my mind, remind myself that I was—no, I am a human.
I considered it good luck that most of my medical knowledge seemed intact. Memorization of facts—often useless trivia—had allowed me to retain a lot of the things I learned in books. As for my other memories—family, friends, favorite foods—they proved very difficult to recall.
Memories of my hospital had proven the most troubling. I could recall the machines and supplies, but not my co-workers. There was a doctor I would hang out with after work. I can recall how he tapped his pen on his desk when trying to diagnose a patient. His cologne was as distinctive as his laugh. However, as hard as I tried, I couldn’t recall his name.
Hey, Dude, you pass out or something?
[No, just trying to recall the names of my co-workers.]
Which one? Anthony, Melody, or Henry?
[Seriously? Just like that?]
I imagined throwing my hooves up in frustration inside her mind, instead of hands. Mentally I berated myself: five fingers, five toes, no wings!
I remember it all pretty clearly, almost like I was there.
[You were, sorta. This is frustrating, so did all my memories wander off to your side of the tracks?]
Tracks?
[You know, like a train—ah, forget it.]
Oh, train jokes! Because we’re on a train, nice.
Groaning proved as futile as trying to throw my hooves in the air. At least one of us seemed to be coming out of this okay, though being reduced to a series of strange memories was far from what I was expecting to happen.
[How much longer do you think we can go on like this?]
As long as it takes. Now that Luna’s at the Canterlot library, and Twilight is headed back to her own, they’ll have to find something.
The surprising sensation of assuming control of Dash’s body was a welcome relief. Whenever I was in control of her body, I still felt real. There was certainly no way I could fade away while in the driver’s seat.
[Finally!]
What, Dash?
[I was getting so tired of playing “I spy” with Pinkie. Have fun!]
Turning my attention to the pony in question revealed her staring at me intently. “Is it a tree?”
Well, is it?
[No, Dude. It’s Applejack’s eyes.]
“Nope, Pinkie.” A long blast on the train’s horn signaled our arrival in Ponyville, hopefully signalling the end of the game.
“Hmm, then it must be the floral trim on the carpeting of the train!”
“Uh, not even close,” I answered. The Element of Loyalty was digging into my neck so I adjusted the necklace. Per Twilight’s instructions, we were all to wear our Elements incase Discord returned. For me, it was to ensure my illness didn’t get worse.
“Come on, girls. This is our stop,” Twilight said.
While everypony else was getting their saddlebags, Pinkie jumped onto my bench seat. “Aha! Your saddlebags have a green buckle!”
“They do?” I looked down to confirm this. “Huh, well I’ll be. But that’s not it either, it was Applejack’s eyes.”
Pinkie slouched and frowned. “Aww, I wasn’t done guessing yet! Oh well.” She leapt out of the seat and bounced towards the door. “I’ll get you next time, Don!”
How the hell does she do that?
[Bouncing isn’t hard, it’s just tiring. Luckily, she runs on pure sugar.]
No, I mean she seems to always know when it’s me, and when it’s you.
[Because Pink—]
Sorry! Forget I asked.
Rarity was the last pony off the train. She was guiding the conductor down the steps, as the pony struggled to carry her four suitcases. Someday I’d ask Rarity how she got ponies to do whatever she asked for. I would have offered to help them out, but I had the strangest urge to fly. It was like sitting in a chair all day without standing up. I had to stretch my wings or I’d have gone crazy.
Another long whistle from the train filled the air. “All aboard!” yelled a conductor in a red vest. He waved a few ponies onboard as Rarity got off. Now free from the confines of the train, I stretched my wings out as wide as I could and looked at the wingtips. It was hard to believe such large wings folded up so small when not in use.
“Say, Applejack, weren’t the girls supposed to meet us here?” Rarity asked.
I listened in on them while stretching out my legs, already planning a nice scenic flight back to Dash’s house for a nap. Then I could go to Twilight’s and pester her for a cure, before eating a delicious salad for dinner.
“Ah did tell Big Mac they were more than welcome to meet me here,” Applejack replied. “Look, there he is now.”
Sliding my hooves forward I stretched low like a cat, hitting a particularly stiff muscle and stifling a moan. When Big Mac walked by I smelt an odd musk that made my tail twitch. It took me a moment to put two and two together, causing me to bolt upright and fold my wings in.
Crap. Hey, uh, Dash, how long does heat last?
[A couple weeks. Why?]
Weren’t you in heat when I got here, like, four days ago?
[Oh. Well, uh, have fun with that also!]
This time I was fully able to facehoof and groan. Perhaps too much of myself had rubbed off on Dash as I seemed to be getting the short end of the stick when it came to cynicism lately.
“Sis, Ah’m glad ah found you,” Big Mac said.
I love that accent, it’s so. . . “quaint”.
“Mac, why do ya look like ya’ve seen a ghost?”
“It’s Apple Bloom. Nopony has seen her or the Crusaders since sunrise. Half the town’s out looking for them now,” Big Mac explained.
“I knew those fillies needed adult supervision!” I barked. “First catapults and now this!”
The nearby ponies all looked at me in shock, as if I’d just solved string theory in ten seconds flat. I shrugged my shoulders and looked around.
“They said somethin’ about findin’ Dash a cure, but nothin’ about the Everfree,” Mac explained. “Sis, ah’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, ya know how those three get when they get an idea in their head,” Applejack answered.
“This is the worst. Possible. Thing!” I heard a loud thud and turned to see Rarity out cold on a sofa.
Let me guess: because Rarity?
[Nope, she always packs a collapsible sofa in her luggage for fainting emergencies.]
Okay, now you’re fucking with me.
[What? No way I swear!]
Laughter filled my head as an image of Dash rolling around filled my mind’s eye.
Laugh it up, fuzzball.
“Big Mac, how can we help?” Twilight asked.
“Well, we need more ponies searchin’ the Everfree. A lot of the town’s ponies don’t wanna head out there. Only the ones on the weather team were brave enough to,” Mac answered.
“Damn straight! They know I’d kick their flank if they did any less!” I shouted.
“Dash?” Twilight inquired.
“No, it’s Don.”
She chewed on her lip for a minute as her eyes darted over me. “I, uh, think it’d be best if I teleport you to the library and you get some sleep. The stress of looking for the fillies could cause your condition to deteriorate, and I can hardly tell you two apart anymore.”
“What? No way in hell! I thought I was one of you gals now, and Scootaloo kicks ass!” Stomping my hoof, I shook my head and stared straight into Twilight’s eyes. “No way I’m gonna let anything happen to three little fillies.”
“Then it’s settled!” Pinkie cheered. “First one to find the Cutie Mark Crusaders gets a ‘best pony’ party!
There was a deafening bang as a large cannon fired into the air, showering confetti on top of all the ponies on the train station platform. Surprisingly, I was getting used to Pinkie and her ability to produce any object, anytime, anywhere, with any ammunition.
“Yeah, all that aside, just tell us where to go, Twilight,” I said.
“Oh, well, Fluttershy can check near her cottage. She knows the woods there best,” Twilight replied. “Rarity, you and Applejack cover the area near Sweet Apple Acres. Pinkie Pie, head to the southern end of the forest near the river. Dash and I will head for the old castle.”
“Yes, ma’am!” Pinkie saluted, having put on a green flak helmet and woodland camouflage. She turned and started to march off.
“Wait, do you have another pair of cammies?” I asked.
“No, sorry, Don.”
“Come on, you can’t be serious! What happened to stashing woodland camo all over Ponyville in case of zombie invasion, or search and rescue, or four-headed hydra attack?” I quipped.
Pinkie frowned. “I, uh. . . hid them too well and can’t find them. They are camouflaged after all.”
My jaw fell open in disbelief before I felt my stomach start to contract. My legs went limp as I laughed so hard I landed on my side. Moments later my hooves were flailing in the air in what must have been a comical sight. However, I was more focused on trying to breathe.
“That’s the spirit, Don! Just remember to giggle at the ghosties!” Pinkie sprinted towards the forest and vanished before I had recovered from my fit of laughter.
By the time I got to my hooves, the ponies had all started to head out towards the Everfree, leaving their baggage on the train platforms.
“You ready to go, Don?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, but, no offense, we should split up. We can both fly and we can cover twice as much ground that way. Not to mention, we’re already, like, ten times faster than the rest of the girls,” I explained.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. What if something happens to you?”
I smiled and walked up to her, raising a hoof. “What if something happens to you, Princess?” I poked her shoulder. “We’re all heading into danger, and it makes sense to spread out. I think this is the best way to find those lost fillies.”
“I guess you’re right, just take care of yourself, Don. I’d hate to lose you, or Dash,” Twilight said.
“Aye aye!” I gave her a mock salute and with a single hard flap of my wings, bolted into the air.
It was exhilarating to fly, something I still hadn’t gotten used to despite having most of Dash’s memories. The total freedom of the open skies, and the feel of the wind as it broke over my wings was invigorating. Strong winds heading in from the East threatened to push me off course, and I turned into them.
Slowly, the clouds in the sky were being blown away, but the sun was already setting in the distance. It was going to be dark soon, and as confident as I was in myself, I doubted a pony in the middle of a wild forest at night had favorable odds of coming out alive.
So, you got any ideas on where to start?
[No, but whatever they went into the forest for must have been important.]
What about that zebra?
[Zecora? Nah, if they went to her they would’ve made it back. There’s a road to her hut that’s marked and the wildlife doesn’t go near it often.]
Large trees spread out as far as the eye could see in every direction. As soon as I flew over them I realized how difficult this was going to be, as the canopy blocked off my view of the ground completely. A literal sea of green spread out into the distance and somewhere inside it were three frightened fillies.
Looks like we’re going in!
[Wait, don’t!]
My momentum was already carrying me down towards the canopy, causing my tail and mane to emit a rainbow contrail as I sped up. The tips of my hooves touched in front of my head as I tucked my wings in and dive through the canopy.
There was a loud crunching noise as branches scrapped by my sides while I dove through the trees. I blinked and tried to regain my vision as I opened my wings back up. The ground rose up faster than I thought it would, and my flared wings weren’t slowing me down quick enough.
My legs hit the ground and buckled, only slowing me down a little. The ground slammed into my chest, knocking the wind out of me. I rolled across the ground and came to a stop against a tree trunk.
The forest was spinning around me, and I began to feel each bruise and scrap on my body.
Damn it. Sorry, Dash.
[Ugh, it’s alright. I’ve done that more times than I’d like to admit. Just remember to never fly blind!]
Wiggling my legs, I was quick to affirm nothing had been broken aside from my dignity. Both wings seemed no worse for wear, and the largest injury seemed to be my lungs, which were still stunned from the impact.
A loud roar filled the clearing, causing me to scramble to my hooves and look around. “Who’s there?! I know karate!”
Bushes crumpled under the weight of something large just feet behind me. Spinning around, I came face to face with a monstrosity of nature.
Hundreds of pounds of golden fur with a massive reddish-brown mane encircling its head stepped out of the bushes. Beneath its skin I could see large muscles leading down to his paws where large, curved claws extended. The face was instantly recognizable as a lion, though two horns burst from its head above the eyes. There was also what appeared to be wings and a scorpion’s tail peeking out from behind it.
Shit.
[Run!]
I stumbled backwards over a small rock and saw the large tail swing down at me. My first instinct was to fly to safety, and I spread my wings. The tail bashed into my right wing, knocking it off course and causing the stinger to hit my right hind leg.
Intense, burning pain shot down to my hoof, before the stinger tore out, and I burst back into the canopy of the trees. Flying blindly, I ducked under some branches and weaved through the trees. My heart was racing and I had no plans on where I was going or how I’d get there. I just knew I had to get away from it as fast as possible.
My aching muscles started to give out after only a minute or two; they felt as if it had been hours of flight. Landing near some small vines, I flopped onto my side to catch my breath.
What the hell? You never mentioned manticores living here!
[You never asked!]
Glancing down at my leg I saw a red puncture wound just above her knee and below her cutie mark. A burning pain flooded through the muscle and down to her hoof.
[Now we’re fucked. What are we supposed to do for manticore venom?]
I don’t know, Dash, but I can slow it down.
[How?]
I bit into one of the nearby vines, chewing until it broke off the tree. Once a few feet of the green vine had come free I started to wrap it around her leg. My vision blurred a little as I began fastening the vine around the leg. It would slow the flow of lymphatic fluid, and the venom. Whatever had made it into my blood had already spread, but with luck most of it would get trapped in with the muscles of my leg.
Now, unless you have any objections, we have three fillies to find. If anything happened to them I’d never forgive myself for slowing you down, Dash.
[Hey, I agree with you. We’ve got to keep looking for them until we can’t look any longer. So if something happens to us well, I don’t blame you for trying.]
There was a bit of a bitter taste in my throat which I ignored. My wings had recovered from the panicked flight and I began to hover in the air. Above me was a thick canopy of branches, and what little sunlight had managed to sneak through earlier was gone. The forest had grown silent and and I glanced around.
Which way?
[Just pick one and go. As soon as the canopy thins out we can get above it and figure out which way to the old castle.]
Left is always fun.
My attention shifted to dodging trees as I began to fly to the left, deeper into the forest. The canopy seemed to be getting thicker and the ground was covered in bushes. Occasionally I heard them rustling, but figured that if I kept flying fast I’d be safe.
It felt like something was watching me, and before long, the rustling bushes seemed to always be right behind me. Whether it was paranoia or not, I could almost feel the manticore breathing down my neck.
Every time that I stopped and looked back, I saw nothing. As soon as I flew forward, I would hear it again. My leg continued to ache as my heart pounded and I swerved through trees, listening for any sign of the fillies.
[We should call out for them, Dude.]
I don’t want to attract any attention. Something is following us.
[You’re paranoid.]
We just got attacked by a freaking manticore! Damn right I’m paranoid.
Something snarled to the right and I froze in fear. There was more growling and snarling, and the sound of something scraping against rocks. It was coming from far enough away that I couldn’t see what was making the noise. I was about to write it off as another predator I should stay far away from when something pink caught my eye.
Flying towards the source of the noises, I paused over a bush that had a pink bow in it. As I hovered up and down in the air above it I recognized it as Apple Bloom’s bow. The growling was louder and I heard something squeal.
That didn’t sound like a predator.
[The girls must be somewhere around here!]
I grit my teeth as I felt some nausea wash over me. It was followed shortly after by a headache, and a dry throat.
Looks like we don’t have much time to kick ass before we’re down for the count.
[Whatever happens, I’m proud of you.]
As far as last words go, not bad.
The dense cluster of trees ahead gave way to a small clearing with two large rocks. There was a narrow crevice between the rocks, possibly leading to a cave of some sort. In front of the crevice were three wolves made entirely of sticks.
[Timberwolves, beastily things that’ll eat anything they can fit in their mouth.]
Including us. Yay. How will we get past three of them?
[I don’t know.]
Inside the crevice I heard whimpering and made up my mind. There were three fillies in there and I had to find a way to save them.
Think, damn it, think!
Glancing around revealed more of the same: twisted, black trees with dense foliage, dark-green bushes with bright-red berries, and wind whistling through it all like something out of a horror film.
A grin slowly crossed my face as I retreated back the way I’d come.
[What are you doing? Why are you grinning?]
Manticore.
While Dash was protesting loudly, I found what I was looking for. It was sniffing the air and making its way towards me. The large beast spotted me in an instant.
“Hey, asshole, want some of this?” I pointed at my flanks with my forehoof. “It’s nice and tender!”
The manticore licked his lips before barreling straight towards me. It took to the air and would have captured me, had I not turned tail and ran as soon as I taunted him. I could almost feel him nipping at my tail as I bolted towards the three timberwolves.
Sorry, Dash.
[I told you the manticore was a stupid idea!]
No, for this!
I burst into the clearing, surprising the three predators that were crowded around the narrow crevice. They all turned and bit at the air, attempting to catch me, as I dove towards the narrow opening.
Even with my wings folded in, I doubted I could make it. It took all my effort not to close my eyes as I dove head-first into the narrow opening. I immediately felt a rock bash my side, and fully expected the ground and a hard wall to smash into me.
Soft dirt gave way beneath me as I skid to a halt. I realized it had been a cave and not just a small gap in two rocks that I had entered into. My eyes began to adjust to the darkness when something leapt on me, pushing against my sore rib.
“Get off, I bite! I mean, karate!” I yelled.
“Dash! I’m so glad to see you!” An orange filly was sitting on my chest and was soon joined by two other fillies.
“It. . . hurts,” I whimpered.
“Get off her, Scoots! Can’t ya see she’s hurt?” Apple Bloom said.
I nodded my head. The cave was spinning and the annoying blurred vision was coming back. Blinking did little to help, so I got back on my hooves to put me right side up.
[Okay, what’s step two of the plan?]
I don’t know, but step three is flying to safety.
“Dash, are there more ponies coming to help?” Sweetie Belle asked. “We’ve been stuck in here hiding all day!”
“Why’d you come out here in the first place? You know what? Never mind. Let’s just get out of here. Stay back while I peek outside,” I ordered.
Outside our hiding place was quite the spectacle. Three timberwolves circled the manticore, who was now bleeding from several cuts and scrapes. The wolves seemed to have some fractured branches in their frames, though their hollow ghostly forms could not bleed.
A wolf dove at the manticore, sinking his teeth into its leg before the stinger descended, shattering the wolf’s skull. The branches fell to pieces on the ground as the creature died, and another wolf jumped onto the manticore’s back.
The sticks on the ground began to rumble and reassemble the wolf that had been knocked out. I turned around to the fillies.
“Okay, here’s the plan. We don’t have long while they fight. I can carry Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, but Scootaloo. . .” I walked over, ignoring my numb hind leg. “I need you to fly above the canopy so we know which way to fly towards Ponyville.”
“But I can’t! I’m still new to flying, Dash, and I’m so scared. . .” Scootaloo’s eyes went wide as they watered up. Tears began to roll down her cheeks as her lip trembled. “It’s all my fault, I wanted to fix you and be a hero. . .”
I knelt down in front of her and wiped the tears off with a hoof. “Scootaloo, you are a hero. You’re the bravest pony I’ve met since I got here. You never let anypony tell you that you weren’t cool enough to fly or be a stunt pony. Heck, the one and only Rainbow Dash took you under her wing. If anypony can get us out of here, it’s you.”
“Yeah!” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle cheered.
“Just fly straight up, clear the canopy and look for the edge of the forest,” I explained.
Scootaloo nodded. “I’ll try.”
“Do or do not, there is no try.” I smiled as she walked towards the opening.
[Seriously?]
What? It’s a new saying here.
Scootaloo was trembling, but spread her wings nonetheless. In a flash, she bolted upward and burst through the canopy. I watched as the predators continued to fight over their meal, no doubt smelling the blood leaking from my leg.
The manticore seemed to be losing the fight, as he was being battered relentlessly. The wolves were looking rather thin, having lost most of their branches. Somehow they continued to rebuild, though would doubtlessly succumb soon if they didn’t finish the manticore off.
I jumped back and hit my head on the ceiling as Scootaloo landed in the opening. “It’s to the right, I can just make out town hall but it’s far away!”
Wrapping both forelegs around Scootaloo, I hugged her tight. “Thank you, Scootaloo. I knew you could do it! Now we’re going to fly out of here and I need you to lead the way.”
“But, you’re a better flyer, you should do it,” Scootaloo said.
“Hey, I’m not feeling well.”
Scootaloo looked up and saw all the sweat on my face. Her eyes narrowed as she furrowed her brow. “I won’t fail you!”
“I know you won’t, now lead the way. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, come here,” I ordered.
The two fillies came forward and I wrapped one foreleg around each of their torsos. My hooves were digging into their ribs, yet I refused to let my grip loosen lest I drop one of them.
“Okay, Squirt, I’m too big to burst through the canopy with these two. Stay low and fly straight. No matter what happens, don’t turn back.”
Scootaloo nodded and turned back towards the entrance. She gasped as she spread her wings. The manticore had won the fight and was limping towards the cave, painting the soil red with its blood. Splintered branches littered the clearing.
“Go, now!” I shouted.
Scootaloo took off, surprising me with her speed. Once I squeezed through with the other two fillies, the manticore was nearly on us. I felt his stinger pass through one of my wings, narrowly missing my side as I struggled to catch up to Scootaloo.
The forest was rocking back and forth, with the trees blurring until I was seeing three of everything. All of my attention was focused on the orange and purple blur in front of me. The burning pains in my leg had spread to my stomach making the urge to vomit worse.
With my singular intent on following Scootaloo, I managed to hold it together. When we burst out of the treeline near the edge of Sweet Apple Acres, I nearly cried in joy. Scootaloo continued to lead me onward, though I was unsure where we were headed.
There was a loud crashing noise as something else burst out of the Everfree. My mind raced in fear as I knew what it was relentlessly pursuing us. Scootaloo flew into a small treehouse and I followed her inside, bouncing off the floor into a wall.
“Go, girls! Code black!” Scootaloo barked.
The room was spinning and getting more and more hazy. Scootaloo slammed the front door shut, barring it with a plank of wood. The other two fillies were slamming large shutters on the windows closed, barring them with similar pieces of wood.
Haha, hahaha! Cutie Mark Crusader fortress builders! Oh thank Celestia, I love these kids!
[T-thanks, Don.]
For saving the kids? Don’t sweat it.
There was a loud jolt as something barreled into the treehouse at full speed. Dust flew out of the rafters and paint flakes fell from the wall where the large manticore had rammed it at full speed.
Claws raked against the wood and tried to bash the door down. At one point I saw the stinger punch clean through the wall.
I could feel cold creeping over me, wondering if this is how it would all end. Outside there were ponies shouting now, and the manticore had stopped pounding at the walls.
“Good job, S-Scootaloo,” I said. “I knew you c-could do it.”
The Crusaders turned to face me, as if they’d forgotten I was here.
“Her leg!” Sweetie Belle rushed over to me and began poking at my wound.
“Ow!”
She tightened up the vine and produced a wet washcloth from somewhere to wipe off my forehead. Apple Bloom was going on about something but I couldn’t make out the words.
The pounding at the door resumed, startling the crusaders. There was a loud flash of purple as Twilight burst in. No sooner had she appeared, the door had been unlocked and more ponies rushed inside. Apparently our little chase out of the Everfree had drawn the attention of some of the other pegasi in the sky.
I could feel the Element of Loyalty burning against my neck, and was thankful I had to wear it at all times. Whatever Twilight had activated in it was restoring my vitality. Her magic continued to wash over me and I felt as though I’d been sleeping for weeks. My empty reserves of energy filled up quickly.
Once the fog had been lifted from my head I got to my hooves.
“Dash, Don, are you two alright?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, Twilight,” I answered.
The Crusaders and Elements of Harmony alike jumped forward to hug me, nearly crushing me in the process. After they were all certain I was fine, I managed to make my way free of them.
Outside the tree house was the weather team, who Twilight hastily explained had spotted the manticore. They had split up, half to try and lure the manticore away while the other half made a beeline towards the Element bearers. Luckily, none of them had gone half as deep into the forest as I had, and were located easily.
Another pony among them was unexpected: Soarin. He stood there with a wide smile on his face as his eyes lit up in joy. I felt my heart fluttering as he walked towards me.
[He must have been in town and wanted to help.]
Is it me, or is he more handsome than last time?
“Hey, Dash, I’m so glad you’re alright,” Soarin said.
“Thanks.” I stepped forward and hugged his neck. “Thank you.”
“Are you feeling better? I could always, uh. . . stay with you. I mean, you could totally kick another manticore’s flank. . . I just, you know, if you want. . .”
[Invite him over for dinner, please! He’s dying out there!]
Yeah, I know that feeling, but no funny business!
“Soarin, why don’t you come to my place for dinner? I’m sure I have some salad in the fridge,” I said.
His eyes lit up and he raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”
I turned to face Twilight. “Hey, I owe him a dinner without punching him in the face. So I’ll stop by later so you can fix all this.”
“But you nearly died, and there’s so much more research we need to do!” she replied.
Fluttershy walked up and winked at me, then whispered in her ear. It caused Twilight to blush as her eyes darted back and forth between me and Soarin.
“Hey, it’s just dinner!” I rolled my eyes but I could already hear them all giggling as I nudged Soarin and flew off towards my house.
I wasted no time flying home, even if it meant giving Soarin a peep show of my well-toned ass as the wind batted my tail out of the way. It couldn’t be helped—I was starving. Some food and a little wine would help me ignore the fact I was a dude dating another dude. I’d follow with some small talk, send him home, and take a nice hot bath. Tonight would be perfect.
The sky was nearly pitch black when I landed on the porch. Inside I found Tank sleeping on the sofa, so I turned on the lights in the kitchen. The dining room was still fairly clean from Dash’s last attempted date.
So, salad?
[Yeah, top shelf of the fridge. And thanks again for not telling him about this whole crazy mess we’re in.]
I think you’ve earned a little good news, so if I can un-screw up your first date with Soarin, you deserve it.
“So, Soarin, make yourself at home,” I said.
He grinned. “Thanks. This is not quite what I expected, but I’m just glad you’re feeling better again.”
“Well, it’s fun to be spontaneous sometimes. Oh yeah!” I reached over to pull a bottle of wine off the counter. Flying over to the table I set it down, then came back with two glasses. The wide rims would make it easy for a pegasus to drink from them.
The cork of the wine bottle was made with a plastic stopper, making it easy to pull off. I then poured us both a full glass of wine, figuring a little social lubricant was only rational. When I sipped from my glass of wine I tasted a sweet and tart berry flavor. Mixed in with the grapes were strawberries, cranberries, and possibly other berries I’d never known existed as a human. In fact, I’d never been a fan of fruits and figured it must be Dash who was familiar with all these tastes.
I smiled, licking my lips, and set my glass down. In my enjoyment I had drank half the glass, and blushed. “Oops, it was a good vintage.”
“Heh, well it’s a twelve-years-old Canterlot Reserve. I’m honored you’d share it with me,” Soarin said.
[That bottle of wine was the best reward a pony could ask for after defeating Nightmare Moon.]
No kidding.
It only took a few minutes to get the salad ready. Dash had put it in the refrigerator after the first failed date. I wasn’t about to question how it was still fresh. With some fresh croutons, dressing, and ripe baby tomatoes it looked as good as new. Hopefully it would taste just as good. There was even a platter of celery and carrots with peanut butter or ranch to dip them in.
I slumped back in my chair at the table and finished nibbling on a carrot. “Well, how’s the weather?” I asked.
Soarin laughed causing me to frown. “Sorry, it’s just I usually ask you how the weather is. It’s hard to imagine you’re as nervous on a date as I am.” He ate a few stalks of celery, crunching them softly in his teeth.
“Pfft, don’t be silly. I punched you on the first date, we’re well past nervous at this point. Just relax and I’ll try not to punch you again.” I grinned and lifted up my wine glass. The liquid ambrosia tasted better each time I took a sip. It seemed impossible to have this many flavors in one bottle of wine.
“Yeah, I guess things can only go up. Here’s to second chances.” Soarin lifted his glass and sipped from his wine.
This is really good.
“So, how’s Wonderbolt training going?” I asked. The salad wasn’t as crunchy as I was used to, but the fresh croutons and tomatoes more than made up for it.
“Good. We’re thinking of throwing a show in Canterlot soon.” Soarin took a bite of salad and swallowed. “Rumor has it we may get activated from the reserves. Some ponies are talking about Discord going rogue.”
“Oh.” I glanced down at the table, not wanting to cause any panic by confirming that rumor. My gaze drifted to the wine bottle so I poured another full glass for myself. “I, uh, don’t know about that.”
I was feeling warm and a little light-headed, so I ate more of the salad.
“Sorry, I’m not trying to grill you. I know, Elements of Harmony stuff.”
“I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” I looked up at him and smirked. “Sorry, I’m no good at small-talk.”
Soarin smiled and his eyes darted over me. “You know you’re really cute when you’re flustered? The way your eyes go wide, and your wings flutter, not to mention your blush.”
As if obeying some hidden command, I felt my cheeks warm up and go rosy. My wings fluttered and I stared at him, trying to find some retort. “Oh yeah? Well, the way that spandex Wonderbolts outfit hugs every muscle is amazing. And that blue fur of yours? I’m kinda jealous. It looks so smooth.”
[Nice one, Dude.]
Huh? But it’s the truth.
My mind seemed to be trying to warn me of something about humans and men, but I drowned it out with some more of the amazing wine. Part of me recalled that a couple glasses of wine shouldn’t have me feeling this tipsy. I’d gone to bars or drank with dinner all the time as a human.
A human, but I was a small pegasus now.
Have I drank too much?
[Nah, heh, feels so good to me.]
I noticed Soarin’s glass was nearly empty. “Such good wine, want more of thish?”
Soarin let me fill his glass up. “Alright, but two cups is plenty for both of us. I don’t want you to get drunk.”
“Heh, so noble. I’m Rainbow Dash! I never getsh drunk!” I smiled, my brain awash in the warm glow of my buzz. I felt something itch in my groin and realized my head wasn’t the only part of me flush with warmth.
“I really liked dinner, even if our small talk was really awkward and all,” Soarin said.
“Yesh, but it’sh all gone already?” I looked around the table seeing that most of the food had been eaten. “Aww, I don’t want thish night to end, we were just getting started.”
“Well. . .” Soarin got up and walked around the table to whisper in my ear. “It doesn’t have to end if you don’t want it to.” He nipped my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.
I felt heat radiating from below my belly. When I looked him in the eyes, he leaned forward and kissed me, parting my lips briefly before I pulled back in shock.
Soarin looked at me and raised an eyebrow for a second.
Oh, Celestia, he’sh so sexy.
[Yeah.]
My brain was adrift in a sea of confusing emotions, but the strongest of them lead me to lean back forward and return the kiss. His lips parted for my tongue and I tasted an almost minty flavor in his saliva. A warm tingling was rushing through my head and I finally pulled back, breaking the kiss.
“Want to head upstairs?” Soarin inquired.
“I thought you’d never ashk, shince the firsht time I punched you in the face!” I giggled and stood up, leaning on him a bit for support. “Shorry, I think it wash that whole manticore thing. I’m normally not a lightweight, I could drink like shix beersh and be fine.”
“I don’t want to rush you,” Soarin said.
“Heh, sho noble, but we both want to have a little more fun tonight, don’t we?” I nipped at his ear, causing him to drape a wing over me.
“Come on, I’ll take you up to your bedroom.”
“My Wonderbolt in tight shpandex! What would a poor mare like me do without shuch a handshome bodyguard?”
I let him lead me up towards my bedroom. Between the wine and the hormones, I was genuinely happy, and looking forward to a good time.
When I woke up it was still dark. It took me a while to realize Dash was in control of the body but was sound asleep. This in turn meant I could do little besides sit in the dark, enjoying the warm sensation of the blanket around her body. I imagined myself stretching and began to check my memories, trying to gauge if I had slipped any further into the pony mindset.
Memories of driving to a theater or giving a shot to a rowdy child were few and far between. Last night instead of dreaming of flying or being naked in front of a classroom, I had dreamed of being a pony. That was no doubt just because of Dash’s silly fantasies about Soarin. In fact, I wasn’t quite sure if I was done dreaming yet, because I still had nagging sensation in the back of my mind. There seemed to be a leg wrapped around Dash’s chest.
[Dash? Wakey wakey.]
Dash shifted and I felt the legs wrapped around her pull her in tightly, cuddling in their sleep. This proved I was either back in a dream or being spooned by a stallion. I felt something stiff brush against her back, and it set off alarms in my head.
[Oh god, Dash? Dash! Wake up!]
Mmmhmm, I’m trying to sleep. . .
[How much did we drink last night? Who are you in bed with?!]
Go back to sleep, Dude. Can’t you see how comfortable I am?
She curled up and snuggled in closer to the pony behind her. I couldn’t tell which was softer: the blankets or their fur. I tried to focus and fought the urge to fall back to sleep.
[No! What happened last night? Did we. . . Did I?]
Nah, we just had food and wine. Oh, then you put on this really cute little maid outfit.
[Soarin? I did invite him over for dinner. Did we sleep together?]
I don’t remember. It was such a blur, what with you waving your flank around in the air in that maid’s outfit.
[Shit! Ugh, I should have never agreed to dinner. . .]
Thanks, by the way, for showing Soarin a good time.
I felt Dash smirk, prompting me to try and slam my hooves against the inside of her brain. My ruckus continued until I felt her shift in bed to try and get comfortable and ignore the headache I was causing.
[Why didn’t you stop me?]
You said you wanted it, Dude. You were all, “Come on, I need this!”
[I was drunk!]
So was I.
[Oh, yeah. . .]
The difference is I’m looking on the bright side instead of pointing blame.
There was little I could do aside from rolling my eyes and take her bait.
[Alright, what bright side?]
Well, you’ve gotta admit it felt pretty good. If you’re worried about your manliness, I don’t think drunk sex in another pony’s body “counts”.
[There are so many things wrong in that sentence. . . Okay, I was drunk. Mistakes happen, but for the love of what humanity I have left, wait until after we fix this to bang him again.]
Heh, deal. In fact, I think I owe you one now. I was worried when this whole thing started that I might never get to go out with Soarin again. After all, you nearly knocked him out cold on the first date.
[Yeah, yeah, can we go take a long ice-cold shower?]
Aww, come on, isn’t the bed comfortable? It’s like six in the morning. The sun isn’t even up yet!
Dash reached over her side and tugged at something. A moment later I felt Soarin’s wing covering her like a blanket. Dash cuddled in closer with him, making her intentions clear.
[This means war!]
Heh, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sleep tight, Dude.
I groaned in defeat and focused on my memories of Earth, imagining I was asleep in my own bed. If I was going to be stuck here while she wore a stallion like a fuzzy blanket, the least I could do was try to focus on the memories I had left of my life before this mess.
[Good night, Dash.]
By the time the sun did come up, I was thinking more clearly. The nap had proven refreshing, and blissfully devoid of any more of Dash’s fantasies. In a way, I had brought most of these late night debacles on myself. I certainly wasted no time jumping the fence to explore life as a mare. Perhaps it would prove funny a year or two from now when I recalled how a little wine had caused me to jump in bed with a stallion.
Dash’s face felt warm as the sunlight fell through the window onto the bed. She tried in vain to shield her eyes with a foreleg. As she woke up, I lamented the fact she got to be in control again. I had grown used to traveling around as her. It felt so natural to be Dash, that when I couldn’t it filled me with remorse. She twisted around in bed and put a hoof on Soarin’s chest.
“Hey, handsome,” Dash purred as she waited for him to wake up.
[Celestia, banish me now.]
Soarin yawned widely, giving me a view of his two rows of large, flat teeth. His breath smelt like gym socks, yet Dash wasn’t deterred. She darted forward and surprised us both when she locked lips in a kiss.
[Come on, now you’re just rubbing salt in a wound. Get your tongue out of his mouth.]
Hey, I’m just trying to be polite and a good date. I’d like to have a relationship last longer than one night for a change.
[A change? Wait, are you telling me you’re the kind of mare who goes to a bar and lets a stallion—]
Finish that sentence and so help me—
[Alright, alright! Note to self: Don’t call a mare a whorse. Haha, get it? A “whorse”?]
Dash hit herself in the head with a hoof to stop my laughing.
“Hey, Dashie, you okay?” Soarin asked. He had woken up and had seen her smack herself.
“Yeah, I. . .” Her eyes darted around for a moment. “I’m, not dreaming!” Dash smiled nervously.
[Wow, I had more game drunk than you do sober.]
So that’s how you want this morning to go, coltcuddler?
[Are you. . . It was your body!]
Dash nuzzled his neck for a moment and smelled his rich scent. It was a bit like salt water and dirt, no doubt from our late-night activities. “Hey, I’ve got to get to the library. I’m still not out of the woods on this whole Discord thing.”
“All right, don’t let me hold you up. You, uh, want to do me one last favor?” Soarin asked. He gestured down at the tent in the blanket. “It’s one of those morning ‘guy problems’.”
“I’d love to—”
[Don’t you dare!]
“—but I really need to get going. How about we do this again next weekend?” Dash asked.
[Whew.]
“Sure. Good luck saving Equestria.” He stared at Dash awkwardly for a moment, and I felt a little bad for them. At least I wasn’t the only one who wound up in these situations on dates. “I suppose I’ll be headed back to Cloudsdale for practice this week,” Soarin said. He got to his hooves and began to stretch out on the bed.
Dash rolled over and got up, heading for the bathroom. Bits of the maid outfit fell off of her and she began to pull the rest of it off. Everything but the Element of Loyalty came off. Dash left it on since we believed it was helping keep my consciousness intact.
[Yep, nothing awkward about this morning after.]
You’re the one ruining my fun. Technically, I haven’t gotten to bang him yet. You sure you don’t want one last ride?
[Yes!]
Dash’s thoughts took on a sultry voice. I can hear you thinking about it, you liked it.
[I’m a guy, he’s a guy, and you’re a horny mare who is rubbing off on me. Hurry up on that whole ‘cold shower’ for me, okay?] The last thing I wanted was an inner monologue about the pros and cons of helping Soarin get laid.
Dash sighed as she reached the bathtub and turned the shower on. When she stepped in and the cold water began to pour over her, I realized it wasn’t as cold as I had expected. The wet hair and feathers almost seemed waterproof, as if they were forming a thin layer of warmth around her to help keep the cold from chilling her to the bone. Despite the amount of time I’d spent living in her body, there were still so many things about ponies that escaped notice.
[So, what’s the plan?]
Well, I figured we’d just go hang out with Twilight until she fixes it.
[You’re a genius! Why didn’t we try that in the first place? Maybe she has a book in a secret alcove that she just now found about restoring an alien consciousness to its original body!]
She began preening her wings and washing them out with the running water. I had to admit that she was still much more nimble and dexterous in her body than I was. Dash was able to keep her balance on two hooves while using the others and her mouth to straighten out all her feathers. I felt like I was going to fall just trying to imagine how on Equestria she was pulling it off.
Okay, you seem agitated today. Is there something else going on?
[No!]
Come on, Dude, I’m trying to help. Your sarcasm is more spiteful than funny today.
I imagined myself receding into her mind, hiding from her prying mind. My sphere of influence in her brain had been steadily shrinking. Each day it seemed that I had fewer memories to hang onto. They continued to slip through my fingers, joining Dash as if she were where they truly belonged. As such, I wasn’t able to evade her for long, before surrendering and admitting what I had recognized that morning.
[After we went back to sleep, I realized I can’t remember ever being with a mare—girl.]
Oh, you were a virgin?
[No! I mean, I don’t know! I can’t remember any women back on Earth;I can’t even remember that bitch at work!]
Melody?
[Ugh, see? I’m trapped in here! Every day another memory slips through my hooves. When I first got here, you were losing memories too. Now my life is just like a dream we had!]
Well, I’m still having trouble recalling some of the memories. I’m sure of it;we’re still in this together.
[Really? Because now I seem to be the only one losing them. I’m scared, Dash; afraid if we don’t fix this soon, I’ll have nothing left to hang onto. Waking up with Soarin reminded me of that fact. The less of “me” I remember, the more I fill in the blanks with your personality.]
Dash turned off the water and got out, quickly drying off with a nearby towel.
Wow, you’re right. I remember how horrified you were when we were trying to one-up each other and get even. Recently, you don’t even seem fazed to act like you’ve always been a pony. I can’t fix this, Don, but I can promise not to give up on you. Twilight is looking into this, and she will find a solution.
[Thanks. I guess all I can do is wait. . . I uh, appreciate you looking out for me, even if I was an ass.]
Things certainly have been a lot less boring with you around.
Dash grabbed a toothbrush and toothpaste, standing up to look at her reflection in the mirror. As she began brushing her teeth she froze. I was about to ask what was up, when there was a loud noise from the bedroom as something crashed to the floor. I stumbled off the bathroom counter to investigate.
Looks like I’m in control again, Dash.
[Hey, at least you seem to cheer up when you’re in control. Just go see what Soarin broke and then we can go visit Twilight.]
I walked out into her bedroom, expecting an overturned dresser or something similar. “Soarin? What are you up to?”
“Dash, I did it!”
A familiar orange blur hit me in the side, latching on to me. I tumbled onto the floor and bounced slightly on the cloud-like flood. Scootaloo was smiling ear to ear as she stood on top of me. “Hey! You flew up here?” I asked.
“Yep!” Scootaloo jumped off me and flew to the bed. Once she landed she stared at the maid’s skirt between her hooves. “Hey, what’s this?”
“Uh, ignore that!” I quickly got up and ran over, grabbed the scattered maid’s outfit, and tossed it all under the bed. “So, flying? You must have been practicing hard to reach this altitude.”
“Oh, yeah!” She turned around and flared her wings, squinting her eyes and baring her teeth. “Well, after I flew through that forest, faster than a Wonderbolt—” She jumped from side to side on the bed, pantomiming her heroic flight. “—I realized the biggest obstacle to flying wasn’t my size, it was myself! I just had to believe in me and I could do it!”
I chuckled and walked up to her, hugging her tightly. “Wow, you’re smarter than a lot of humans I know.”
She looked up at me and saw me frowning. “What’s wrong, Dash? I didn’t tell anypony about your ‘problem’ with Don!”
My mind was wandering and I realized I was choking back a lump in my throat. “Heh, I know. It’s me, Don, and I just miss my home.” A tear started to roll down my cheek and I raced to get a hoof up and wipe it off before Scootaloo saw it.
Shit, I’m pathetic.
[Don’t beat yourself up. Crying isn’t a weakness.]
“Don.” Scootaloo stopped my hoof and wiped my cheek with her own. “I’m an orphan too. I never knew my parents. I figure you being stuck here makes you an orphan. So, consider yourself part of my family. Dash is my sister and you can be my brother! When you go back to Earth, I’ll miss you.”
Wow, what am I supposed to say to that?
[Try “thanks”.]
“Thanks, Squirt,” I said. “Why don’t we go hang out?”
“Oh, I’m sorta grounded.” She looked down at the floor as her ears and wings flattened. “I was supposed to be doing homework and I snuck out to come apologize for running off into the Everfree and scaring you.”
I can see why you like her so much.
I turned to the side and gestured to my back. “Climb on. How about I sneak you back into your room and we can work on that homework together?”
She leapt onto my back and dug her hooves into my ribs, eliciting a small yelp of pain from me. “My wings are actually really sore from flying up here. Thanks, Don!”
“Heh, better stick to calling me Dash in public, Squirt.”
As I went to the window I caught myself mentally thinking like Dash, instead of like myself. It was true I cared for Scootaloo, but somehow the closer I grew to the other ponies here the more I slipped into the personality of Dash.
Hey, maybe we better drop her off and get over to Twilight. It’s hard to tell when my feelings towards other ponies are my own, or just yours.
[Come on, just relax a little. I think you’ve earned it.]
What if I don’t have that much time left? Tomorrow I might wake up and not realize I was ever human in the first place.
[Then would you rather spend your last day with Scootaloo, or in a stuffy library with wires hooked up to your head?]
Huh, I guess I can’t argue with that logic. She really is a sweet filly.
The air outside was chilly and there was a strong wind headed in. Even with Scootaloo riding on me, it was easily enough to lift me into the air. I rode the air current down to Ponyville, barely having to flap at all.
It wasn’t until I’d landed in front of Scootaloo’s house that the wind shifted violently, almost with the force of a tornado. I squatted down to keep from being blown away, and then crawled over to the side of the house.
“Dash? What’s going on?!” Scootaloo shouted.
Yeah, what the hell?
[There shouldn’t be any inclement weather, and the weather teams haven’t had a rogue storm in decades—except for the one the night you came here.]
“Scootaloo, get inside and don’t come out. We need to go fix this.”
“But I can help—”
I stopped in front of her door, sliding her off of my back. “No, whatever this is, I don’t think you can help.”
The wind suddenly stopped and the temperature seemed to drop thirty degrees as the sun scorched down on the soil. Thick drops of brown rain began to land all around me, and the fluid stuck to my fur.
I have a bad feeling about this.
Knowing Scootaloo was safe, I darted into the air and flew towards the library while the winds were gone. Bits of the rain landed on my muzzle, and I began to taste something similar to chocolate milk. By the time I got to the library, I saw Twilight and the other Elements gathering outside of it.
“Twilight! What’s going on?” I asked. I landed next to them, joining the crowd of ponies that had started to gather in front of the library. There were muddy puddles on the ground and strange creatures flying through the air in the distance.
“This is Discord’s M.O. He’s got to be nearby,” she explained.
[You can do this, Don. Believe in my friends and don’t listen to any of his tricks.]
“How could he do this?” Fluttershy asked. “I thought he wanted to be my friend. . . This is all my fault! If I’d reformed him prop—”
“Hey,” I interrupted. “This isn’t your fault. Discord’s a fucking psychopath, and Elements or no I say we kick his ass.”
“Ah’ve got to agree with Don on this one,” Applejack said. “At least Ah assume it’s Don, or Dash has become a sailor.”
“Rather uncouth language, but he has a point,” Rarity added.
The rain turned to a snow flurry, blowing across the street and covering everything in a chilly white mist. I noticed that we were all wearing our Elements, and was glad that I’d been told to keep it on me at all times. As soon as Discord showed up, perhaps we could blast him back to whatever rock he had crawled out from under.
“Don, listen. He can’t use his magic on us while we have the Elements to protect us,” Twilight explained. “I’ll be able to counter his magic to some extent. I need you to focus on loyalty and try to activate the necklace. The instant you do, I’ll blast him and end this.”
“I’ll do my best, but how do we even know he’ll show up?” I glanced around to find squirrels on ice skates zooming along the frost ground.
She laughed. “An arrogant prick like him? Oh, he’ll be here to gloat any minute. Just remember what I said.”
“Yeah,” Pinkie chimed in. “The fate of every lactose-intolerant pony in Equestria depends on you!”
No pressure. . .
[Hey, if it makes you feel better I usually just stand there while Twilight uses the Elements. Sometimes just being there for a friend is all it takes.]
“Listen, everypony! Go home now,” Twilight shouted in a booming voice. “Get to shelter before Discord shows up. We’ll handle this,”
All the ponies nearby began to run back to their houses, shielding their eyes against the snow. The sky cleared out again to daylight as a large throne appeared in the middle of town. A few ponies turned to watch from a distance they assumed was safe.
“Well, this brings back some lovely memories,” Discord said. He was leaning back on a chair made out of royal guard armor. Thousands of breastplates, shoulder guards, and helmets had been melted down into his chair. He wore sunglasses and had a margarita with a small umbrella in it. On his chest was a reflective silver screen to help him get a tan.
“Discord!” Twilight wasted no time, firing a bolt of magic at him. The purple sphere of energy smacked the drink out of his clawed hand, but did no damage to him.
“Really, Twilight, where are your manners? I think we both know that one alicorn is no match for my power.” A martini appeared on his throne and he pulled out the olive and ate it.
“And you’re no match for the Elements!”
Discord smiled and leaned forward. “But the Elements aren’t working, are they? I guess you could say I broke them with. . .” He tossed his sunglasses to the side. “A dash of humanity.”
I rolled my eyes and huffed. “Just kill me now if that’s the best joke the god of chaos can come up with. You’d think that after a thousand years as a garden ornament you’d have thought of better last words.”
He snarled and snapped his fingers. The air around me instantly sizzled and sparked with a red flash, as the Element hanging around my neck deflected whatever spell he had attempted to use on me. The air stunk of sulfur, yet I was unharmed.
“Hmm, well it’s about time you warded the ponies and not just the jewelry. You wouldn’t believe how easy it was to brainwash Fluttershy into saying whatever I wanted her to say,” Discord explained.
“How could you?!” Fluttershy screamed, her eyes wide and brow furled. “I thought I was your friend! All those lies because all you cared about was your petty revenge!”
Discord moaned, glancing around at the several ponies which were hiding behind bushes and benches to watch the battle unfold. “I hate ponies that eavesdrop.” He snapped his fingers, causing half a dozen ponies to transform into stuffed animals. They fell over behind the nearby park bench, a glossy finish over their eyes.
Twilight managed to deflect his next spell, but couldn’t do so for each consecutive trick. Ponies began to scatter for safety again as Discord continued his monologue. The slower townsponies were now littering the ground like cheap carnival toys.
“Fluttershy, it’s true I am such a lonely being.” He snapped his fingers and appeared in the air around Fluttershy, curling along her sides. “It doesn’t have to be this way, you know. Take off your necklace and I’ll whisk us and your animal friends away. Why, you could be the queen of chaos!”
I looked down and saw my Element still glowing faintly.
How long until we can blast this asshole out of here?
[Normally by now the Elements are all glowing and Twilight’s eyes go white. You need to focus, Dude!]
Focus on what? I don’t want him to hurt anypony, especially Fluttershy. Isn’t that enough loyalty? They should have built this with an on button!
“You’re not my friend, Discord. I never want to see you again!” Fluttershy stomped her hoof and had tears flowing down her face. “I. . . I was stupid to ever trust you!”
“Et tu, Fluttershy?” Discord asked. He snapped his fingers, rematerializing on his throne. “And I was going spare you. I plan to build a lovely aviary with dozens of bird species, and use you six as statues to decorate. I wonder how many millennia you’ll adorn my garden before you lose your minds. It’ll be so fun to count!”
“Cut this out and get lost, Discord! I’ve had enough of you screwing up my life!” I shouted, and walked forward a few steps.
“We seem to be at an impasse. You can’t stop me. I can’t kill you, but I can hurt everypony else you care about.” Discord snapped his fingers, causing Big Mac to appear in front of him.
Grey stone formed around his hooves, slowly spreading up his legs. Mac turned to face Discord, realizing he was a doomed pony. Big Mac glanced over at Applejack. He nodded and smiled, as if to tell her that he’d be just fine. The stone finished engulfing him and turned him into a statue.
“Ya turn him back right now!” Applejack screamed. “Or so help me ah’ll rip that head right off your neck!”
“Don’t you see? Even when my plan backfires, I always win. I can burn Equestria to the ground around you six, unless you surrender.” Discord conjured a portal into the air, showing us images of Canterlot in flames. Ponies were wailing and gnashing their teeth in agony. “The millennia before Celestia overthrew me was just a warm-up for what I have planned now. That pathetic little human here is standing in your way. He’s the reason the Elements won’t work,” Discord said.
I felt despair start to wash over me as color drained from the world.
“Tell me, Don, how’s it feel to know millions will suffer and die because of you?” he asked.
He’s right, you know.
[No, don’t listen to him!]
“Wouldn’t you like to go home? Wouldn’t you like to get there before they ‘pull the plug’ on your life support?” Discord asked. “This isn’t your fight; you need not suffer with the rest of them.”
“You’re bluffing! Villains like you don’t just do things for free,” I said. My confidence was faltering as his words sunk in, and I realized for the first time that this was all my fault. He had used me to disable the Elements, and willing or not, that’s exactly what I had done. “You probably can’t even send me home. And if you could, then what? You kill all the ponies here? How would I live with that?”
“Tsk, tsk, this isn’t your world. Who cares what I do with them? Just take off the necklace and I can send you home just as easily as I brought you here. This will all be nothing more than a dream.” He snapped his fingers causing a familiar black cat to appear in his lap. “See? It’s that simple.”
“Bagheera?” I recognized the cat as my own. He clawed and hissed at Discord, before jumping off and fleeing.
“Surrender, Don,” Discord ordered.
He’s right. Maybe if I let him send me back the Elements will work, at least you’ll have a fighting chance.
[No, Dude! He’ll kill us both the instant our guard is down!]
Sorrow washed over me like icy water, stealing my breath away. As the color started draining from my vision again I felt a heavy weight collapsing on top of me. This whole world was now on the brink of war and I was the pawn, the first move in some evil scheme. He had used me like a common garden tool and I was powerless to stop him.
“Discord, we can talk to Celestia. Why not just leave this world? Agree not to come back, she’ll be reasonable,” Twilight said. She still stood among the other ponies, her determination not faltering. “We may be at a stalemate, but if you can cross dimensions so easily, why do you want to destroy this one so badly?”
“This one? This ‘dimension’ is my home! A home Celestia and Luna robbed me of. Two insolent ponies who mutinied against the beautiful world I had created. And look at your ‘hero’, the human you placed so much faith in as he crumbles to my will,” Discord stated.
I could hear his whispers in my mind, and knew what Discord said was true. I needed to take the necklace off—it was my only hope to be saved. It was also Dash’s only hope to activate the necklace. Even if he killed me, it was better than I deserved for dooming an entire planet.
It’ll be okay, I’ll only take it off for a second.
The red lightning bolt in the necklace appeared a dull grey to me. It was no longer glowing, and was hurting my neck. It was so heavy that I had to take it off, had to be free of the burden. As I reached for it, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks.
There is no hope to fight a god, Dash. Sorry, I can’t—
[Dammit, Don! This is how he works! He gets in your head! You have to fight it!]
My hoof found the clasp on the back of the necklace. It clicked softly as my hoof slid across it, beginning to depress it.
“No!” a pony squealed. I recognized the voice, and glanced to my side. “Don’t do it, Don! We’re family!”
Amidst the bleak grey landscape—my world, completely devoid of color—stood Scootaloo. A brilliant orange aura seemed to surround her, restoring some confidence and hope amidst my despair. The way she looked at me, smiling as her purple eyes shimmered, made me believe that I could still fight this. I still had the strength to resist him.
“See, Discord! Don’s winning!” Twilight shouted. “I’ve had enough of playing nice, so leave now!”
“Winning?” Discord laughed. “But hope is so fickle, so easy to crush!”
Scootaloo ran towards me to stand by my side against our common enemy. I felt so much pride and hope welling up inside me, and then she vanished in a puff of smoke. Glancing over at Discord, I saw what he had done to her.
Inside a small metal cage, no more than a foot in any direction, stood an orange chicken. Scootaloo had some purple feathers along her neck, but aside from the unusual color, looked just like any other farm animal. She began to chirp and peck at the bars of her small cage.
“Tell me, Don, do you think she’ll taste like chicken? Or perhaps I’ll keep her around to lay eggs for breakfast,” Discord taunted. “Give up now, or she dies.”
Twilight said something I couldn’t hear as I focused on the filly that he had imprisoned. Flashes of purple light filled the air as I heard a ringing in my ears. To my side, she was trying desperately to undo his spell. Though I couldn’t tear my sight from Scootaloo, I could feel the rush of wind and heat as Twilight tried futilely to gun Discord down with her magic.
I began to walk towards Discord, feeling emotion well up deep inside of me. There was seething anger and hatred, a desire to slit his throat and watch him bleed out. All my human emotions resurfaced. At the forefront was a violent desire to protect my loved ones.
That was when I felt something else, much more tranquil and empowering. I would gladly die to save Scootaloo.
I didn’t have to kill Discord, or burn cities to the ground. All I had to do was let go, to be loyal no matter the cost. Loyalty wasn’t something I had to force or activate, but a constant commitment to stand up for the ponies I cared about.
Discord scowled, lashing out at me with a fiery whip. A shocked expression crossed his face as his eyes went wide in horror. The whip vanished harmlessly. Something was burning hot against my chest, radiating heat. My hooves left the ground as I was pulled up into the air, causing him to drop the cage with Scootaloo in it.
Red sparks shot from the Element of Loyalty as it struggled to activate, feeding off my loyalty yet tainted by my other emotions, clouding it. My hearing began to return as the last bits of grey faded, restoring the world to its rightful order.
“Unbelievable, human. Let me know if you change your mind, or die. Looks like I have no further say in the matter.” He muttered a few more phrases and cast a few more spells, causing the sky to explode in blistering heat, rain, snow, wind, and humidity.
A trail of rainbow shot out of my necklace, weaving around me. Discord must have known at this point his magic was useless. I watched helplessly as he snapped his fingers, vanishing as I was blinded by a brilliant prismatic light. Time seemed to slow down as a sphere of energy expanded, chasing after the fleeing Draconequus.
I felt as if someone had punched a hole in my side and drained out all my emotion and energy. As I fueled the Elements, I could sense things nearby returning to normal. The next thing I felt was dirt in my mouth, and my legs crumpled beneath me. The spell seemed to have finished, and I looked around for a rather ugly statue that would signify we had won.
Discord was nowhere in sight.
It appeared that he had run off with his tail tucked between his legs before Twilight’s spell trapped him. Even this failed attempt had taken all the effort I could muster. I had no idea how we would pull it off again.
I struggled to my hooves, noticing Scootaloo had been turned back to normal and was clutching onto me. Glancing around, the town’s ponies who had been attacked by Discord had also been restored. His throne was gone, and the other Elements of Harmony were rushing around me.
“Don, are you okay?” Pinkie asked.
“Did we do it, Twi?” Applejack asked.
“I don’t think so, girls. . .” Twilight used her magic to help me to my hooves and gently remove Scootaloo from around my neck. “Don, are you okay?”
“I think so. What happened? I felt so many emotions and my body seemed to be on autopilot.”
I shook my head and coughed, glancing around at the others. They all looked no worse for wear, as if they’d just gotten out of a relaxing massage. I, on the other hand, had a jewel around my neck that was glowing a little brighter, but was covered in dirt.
“The Element activated briefly, and I was able to cast a spell at Discord. However, the magic was turbulent and he ran for it while they activated. I’m afraid he no longer doubts our power, and isn’t going to stand still while we imprison him again.”
“Wait, so we can’t beat him because the spell takes too long to cast?” I asked. “Well, this is just great!”
[Hey, we’ll still beat him!]
With a telegraphed punch? He’ll see that spell coming and just run again!
“Well, that’s an oversimplification, but yes.” Twilight looked to the other girls. “You’d better all sleep at the library tonight. I doubt he’ll move on us again so soon, but we had best be safe.”
“Don, you were awesome!” Scootaloo cheered. “Thank you, I knew you could do it.”
I smiled and tilted my back towards her. “Climb on. I’m not letting you out of my sight.” I turned towards Applejack and Rarity. “You better find your sisters too, lest he uses our families against us.”
Applejack turned to where Big Mac had been turned into a statue. He was standing there watching us and chewing on a piece of straw. “Hey, Mac, go get Apple Bloom and Sweetie, and bring them to the library,” Applejack ordered. “Let Rose know we’re keeping Scootaloo with us too.”
“Eeyup.” He galloped off to do as he had been asked.
“We best get back to the library and send Luna a letter,” Twilight said. “Things didn’t go at all like I expected.”
I followed the other ponies towards the library. Several of the town’s ponies were clapping their hooves against the ground, or shouting out their thanks to us. Slowly the locked windows and doors were being opened as they felt safe enough to leave their houses. The strange weather had vanished too, with the small amount of snow that had fallen having fully melted.
“What’d you expect, Twilight?” I asked.
“I found some notes and sent them to Luna that might have been useful. However, whether we can send you home or not, Discord is gone. He won’t come back until he’s confident the Elements aren’t working.”
Heh, that’s it.
[What’s it?]
Discord. He’s arrogant and cocky and expected me to roll over and die. “Let me know if you change your mind, or die” was his last warning.
[Yeah, so?]
So, he’s still convinced I’ll cave in to his demand, or die. Either way he still thinks he has won. So, I’ll do exactly what he expects. I’ll be the bait to bring him to us. Thenwe can use that rainbow explosion on him.
[That could work, Dude, but how do we know he’ll buy it? He’s probably spying on us or expecting a double-cross.]
Hmm, good point.
I walked up alongside Twilight and felt Scootaloo shift forward on my back to eavesdrop. “Psst, Twilight.”
“Yeah?” she whispered.
“I have a plan to get Discord. Have Luna meet you and me in our sleep. It’s going to take some convincing acting and secrecy to pull off,” I said.
Twilight grinned slightly. “That can be arranged. He can’t spy on us in a dream.”
“Exactly.” I glanced over my shoulder at Scootaloo, who instantly looked away and played innocent. “And I have a feeling Scootaloo just volunteered to help.”
She tightened her grip and looked back at me, smiling. “Really?!”
“Shh. The first rule of covert ops is don’t talk about covert ops,” I explained. “Or at least whisper. . .”
“Oh, this is gonna be awesome! I wonder what a covert ops cutie mark looks like!” Scootaloo leaned forward and began rambling on about zip-lines and black “dangerous mission outfits”.
When we got inside the library I was exhausted, and it wasn’t even afternoon yet. I would need some sleep to recover my energy and meet with Luna. While the other girls made themselves comfortable and kept an eye out, Twilight and I went up to her bedroom.
Scootaloo hopped off my back and was about to leave when I stopped her. “Hey, I want to thank you for earlier. What you said, well, I would have done something stupid without you, Squirt. You want to take a nap with me?”
[Wow you really have gone soft.]
I was serious. I’m not letting her out of my sight. Discord sounded serious about murdering ponies. I wouldn’t call his revenge very petty anymore.
She smiled and ran over, jumping onto the bed. “Sure! Can I help plan with Luna too?”
“I don’t see why not.” I looked at Twilight, who was pulling a thick curtain over the window to darken the room.
“No playing around, Scootaloo. We may not have long to contact her in the dream,” Twilight explained. “Spike has sent a letter, so as soon as we’re all asleep we can begin.”
I got onto the bed, spreading a wing over Scootaloo and getting comfortable. “Thanks, you make an okay body pillow, Squirt.”
“Hey, what are friends for?”
As Twilight only had one bed, she climbed in next to me and made herself comfortable. She didn’t choose to cuddle, which is probably for the best. There was a limit to the amount of manhood I was willing to surrender in pursuit of a comfortable nap.
I closed my eyes, expecting it to take a while to fall asleep. However it was reassuring to have the filly nearby. She had that youthful naivety, the belief that as her hero, I was invincible. Scootaloo’s faith had just saved the town, and made me realize for myself how far I’d go to protect my new friends.
Wrapping a leg around her, I held Scootaloo close. No matter what it cost me, I’d make sure she had a safe world to grow up in.
The sun was starting to go down and it was time to put my plan with Luna in motion. I hoped everything would go off without a hitch, or this whole thing would turn sideways on me and hurt everypony. I figured that if I was lucky, I’d bring this to a decisive resolution.
Well, Dash, here I go.
[I still don’t like this plan.]
I struggled not to think about the one part of the plan I’d left out. If she didn’t like my plan, she’d hate how I planned to end it. There wasn’t much left of me to call Don, however, and I needed to take drastic action.
Getting out of bed, I took off the Element of Loyalty and put it into a saddlebag, along with some other basic provisions. My head began to ache and both ears were filled with an annoying buzzing as soon as the Element was off. It was definitely the only thing helping me hang on, yet Discord wouldn’t show if he saw me wearing it.
After strapping the satchels onto my sides, I crept to the door and looked out into the large common area of the library. Pinkie was sitting down reading a book, and Applejack was carrying on a conversation with Rarity. It sounded like Fluttershy was in the kitchen with Spike.
I walked down the stairs, slowly and confidently, as if I was just stretching my legs. Pinkie began to shiver, despite it not being cold in the room. Before I could ponder her odd twitching, she put the book down and jumped up onto the stairs.
“Hey, Don, where ya goin’?” Pinkie asked.
“Uh, to get some fresh air?” I smiled and took a step forward, yet she didn’t move.
“Wait, we’re supposed to stay inside until Twilight says otherwise. She probably has some super-duper plan to fix everything!”
Applejack looked over at me, raising an eyebrow. I had known it’d probably come to this, yet had hoped somehow it might be as easy as just walking right outside.
“Well, I’m going for a walk.” I pushed my way past Pinkie and headed straight for the door. This time it was Applejack’s turn to sense something was off.
“Pinkie, go find Twilight.” She fixed her gaze on me, causing me to feel like I was being interrogated. “Why ain’t ya wearin’ the Element of Loyalty, Don?”
A wave of pain washed over my mind, causing me to clench my eyes shut and struggle to control my breathing. “I. . . need fresh air.”
“Applejack, why don’t we go outside with her?” Rarity asked. “I’m sure whatever it is, Don wouldn’t lie to us.”
“Yeah,” I parroted. “I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“Horseapples. Ah can read ya like a book, and you’re lyin’ to me right now.”
Being a pony lie detector is the stupidest special talent I’ve ever heard of.
[Yeah, why do you think Las Pegasus banned her from the casinos when we took Cadance to her bachelorette party?]
There wasn’t time for this, and I was tired of putting on an act—the irony of which wasn’t lost on me. For things to go according to my plan, everypony had to buy the lies I was selling. Without another word, I brushed past her side, whipping my tail against her flank as I passed. The close contact flustered her for a moment, but not nearly long enough.
“Ya put a hoof on that door, Don, and ah’ll hold ya down ‘til Twilight explains what the hay is going on,” Applejack threatened.
“Wait, why would you need saddlebags for a walk?” Rarity asked.
“Heh, looks like we’ll do this the hard way.” I shoved the door open and felt something clamp down on my tail. Out of reflex I kicked backwards and heard Applejack grunt. Rarity gasped, luckily not thinking fast enough to try and use her magic on me, and I took off flying out of the library.
The sky was still violet as the last rays of sunshine faded away. My throbbing headache got worse as I exerted myself and made it hard to concentrate on flying. A light pole came out of nowhere and nearly hit me. I tried to bank to the left and dodge it. With my focus divided by the pain, my roll turned into a tumble and I hit the ground, skidding to a stop.
A lasso sailed past where I had just been, reminding me that five ponies would be chasing after me. I still needed to put on the speed, though, and beat them to Discord. Once I was back on my hooves, I galloped towards the Everfree and felt a tingling along my spine. Rarity seemed to be trying to grab me with her magic, but wasn’t nearly strong enough to do so at this range, or given my determination to stay in motion.
“Get back here, Don!” Applejack yelled.
Lights began to turn on in some of the nearby houses as I sprinted through the streets. Heads began to peek out of windows to watch the Elements of Harmony chase me through town. It seemed to be drawing plenty of attention.
Up ahead was the outskirt of town. My lungs felt short of breath from the exertion, and I was now able to feel every beat of my heart exerting pressure on my brain. The headache was getting worse, and I really didn’t want to find out what the second phase of removing the Element might be.
By the time I reached the final street, half the town seemed to be awake. Pegasi were hanging back in the sky watching, while the ground-bound ponies stuck to the relative safety of their homes.
There was a purple flash in front of me as Twilight appeared, wearing the Element of Magic. Before she could react I collided with her, knocking her to the ground. I beat both wings to lift off so that I wasn’t also sent tumbling. Luckily, I was able to take flight for a short time as I headed into the Everfree.
I stole a glance back to be sure the others were far enough behind me, and stopping to help Twilight. It should give me the time I needed.
“Thanks for coming, Luna,” I said. “And thanks for this.” I gestured up and down at my human body.
“It was not me. That is your own subconscious self-image,” Luna explained.
“Pfft, I’ve seen Diamond Dogs that looked better,” Dash said. “Barely any hair, all tall and lanky. Ugh.”
I let Dash’s comment slide and looked around the dreamscape. It was pitch black and rather foreboding to be standing here in the vast emptiness, waiting for everypony to fall asleep and show up to the meeting. Twilight and Luna had understood the need for secrecy to scheme against Discord, but I’d hoped for a dreamscape with less despair and more color. “Could you do something about the ambience?”
Luna’s horn glowed, and I found myself in a set of dark-blue chambers. It was much easier to spot Twilight and Scootaloo now, who had also come for this dream meeting with the princess. “Twilight said you know how to beat Discord.”
“Yeah, personally I’d have settled for just having this chance to get out of Dash’s body. You wouldn’t believe the thoughts running through her head.” I stuck my tongue out at her, causing her to cross her forelegs across her chest.
“Hey! I’m not the one with a ridiculously gigantic hentai collection!” Dash retorted.
“What’s hentai?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head to the side.
“Ask your mom.” I smirked and saw Twilight tapping her hoof impatiently. “Oh, right, plan. So, Discord offered to send me back to Earth if I surrendered the Element and sacrificed Dash.”
“Twilight told me as much,” Luna stated.
“Well, he seems to be quite the narcissist and I think we can lure him back out of hiding by giving him exactly what he wants: me.”
“You can’t be serious! This was your ‘plan’? To sacrifice Dash?!” Twilight shouted.
“I agree. Surely there is more to it,” Luna said.
“He’s right, I’m just the bait,” Dash explained. “Discord’s impatient to end this for some reason, so if Don and I wander into the Everfree without the Element of Loyalty on. . .”
The Everfree was a damn nightmare to navigate at night. It was bad enough it was a new moon, and that the tree canopy was thick enough to block out almost all the sunlight on a bright day. However, the plants were largely covered in black bark which made it even harder not to run head-first into one of them.
I came into a clearing that actually had an open view of the night sky, and decided this was as good a place as any to rest and catch my breath.
[So, what now?]
Now we wait.
[Wait, that was the plan? Just sit here in the middle of the most dangerous forest in Equestria and wait?]
Well, what do you want me to do? Shout out his name?
[It’s better than nothing! Ugh, I have a bad feeling about this. . .]
“Diiiscooord!” I shouted, and began to cough. I quickly started wheezing and collapsed onto the ground, trying to catch my breath. The ringing in my ears worsened until my head felt like it was being cleaved in two.
[Put the Element back on—this pain is gonna kill us both!]
You’ll be fine, Dash. It’s me who’s dying here.
[Exactly, so put the bucking Element back on! Now!]
And I’m sure Discord will show up if I’m wearing a bright, shiny super-weapon.
There was rustling in the bushes, and it took me a moment to gain my bearings. With the headache fading slightly, I was finally able to work out which direction the noise was coming from. My wheezing hadn’t vanished completely, and when I saw what was stepping out of the bushes I doubted it was about to get any better.
A familiar shape, covered in dark brown hair, emerged. Its sides were covered by two large wings and an ominous stinger floated above its back. The manticore began a low growl, almost like a purr, but with a certain “I’m about to violently kill you”-vibe to it.
Shit, you’re right!
I struggled to sit up and tried to open up the saddlebags. The latch was giving me trouble as well as some double vision. I don’t know how the Element would get me out of this one anyway, so I gave up and decided to run back for town.
No sooner had I stood up, a wave of vertigo hit me. I lost my balance completely, falling to the side. I felt some muscles spasm as the vertigo passed.
Sorry, Dash, I fucked up. I didn’t mean to get you killed as well.
[What do you mean, “as well”?]
“—will have to flee the town. I have a feeling Discord doesn’t slouch in the surveillance department. If I just walk into the Everfree, he’ll never buy it,” I explained. Looking down into my lap, I saw Scootaloo looking up at me expectantly. As odd as it seemed to me to have her in my lap and be massaging her back with my fingers, it calmed me down immensely. Almost enough to forget about the final solution to this dilemma.
“That’s where I’ll come in,” Twilight said. “I’m guessing you’ll need me to help run interference, make sure Applejack doesn’t actually catch you in a lasso or something?”
“Pretty much. Dash here is fit, but who knows what’ll happen with the Element off. I won’t lie, lately I’ve been feeling more like an image of a pony in a broken mirror, and not a human like I appear now.” Looking around the imaginary field we were meeting in, it struck me again how beautiful Equestria was. “You’ve definitely got something worth fighting for here. Once I draw Discord out everything’s going to rely on you, Luna. Whether we succeed or fail depends on what you do next.”
The manticore was towering over me now. I continued to push myself backwards, though now that he was in the position to kill me, there was no way I could roll over and fly away in time. It was just a matter of maintaining eye contact and dying with dignity.
Bastard sure was taking his time, however. He just loomed over me, letting our rumbling growls and foul breath. The beast suddenly straightened up, and in a cloud of smoke vanished. When I saw what had replaced the manticore, I wished it had really been a wild predator all along.
“Discord, about fucking time!” I shouted. “Do you know how fucking hard it was to get away from the others?”
[Laying it on a bit thick.]
Everypony’s a critic.
“Well, well, look who came crawling back to beg for mercy. I must say, for a moment there I thought I’d misjudged mankind.” Discord conjured himself a modest chair to sit in as we talked.
For my part, I could do little but lean back against a nearby tree and focus on hanging in there until backup arrived. “You have to send me back—I did what you asked! Kill Dash for all I care, she’s been erasing my personality since I got here! You’ve got to help me, please!”
“Well, a deal is a deal. You certainly made quite a scene in Ponyville. Then again, humanity’s lack of subtlety is one of their best aspects.”
“That’s it?” I hesitated for a moment, unsure how to buy time. If he really did zap me back to Earth, he could finish off Dash before the others got here. Even Twilight couldn’t predict if just being in close proximity to the Element of Loyalty could deflect a spell. Her running theory was that it would not. “You’re just gonna send me back, in good health?”
Discord chuckled. “Health is such a fickle thing, isn’t it?” He snapped his fingers, creating a doctor’s lab coat and a stethoscope to wear around his neck. “Well, Don, I have some good news and some bad news.”
Rolling my eyes, I let out a loud moan, then clenched my eyelids shut as another wave of pain washed over me.
Dammit, they really need to hurry up. This headache is killing me!
“Fine, bad news first,” I said.
“Well, I just got your lab results back and it doesn’t look good. There was an itsy-bitsy case of systemic organ failure, probably a result of some nasty parasite that visited Earth with you.” Discord leaned forward to whisper into my ear. “You really should have done what I said from the start. Poor Anthony’s done a triple shift trying to fix his broken friend.”
That definitely wasn’t the news I’d wanted to hear. Sure, perhaps Discord could magic me up a cure, or being back in the “right body”, minus my rainbow passenger, might fix me. Normally, systemic organ failure was the thing you got when your body was tired of circling the drain and decided to plunge straight down it.
“Can you fix it?” I asked. “Sending me back to my body, I’ll get better?”
Discord smiled and conjured up a lollipop in my mouth. I spit it out at once, finding the pineapple flavor revolting. “Of course I can cure you! Why, aren’t you going to ask about the good news?”
“Wait, the cure isn’t the good news?”
Dammit where are they? Could we have accidently lost them?
[I think we’re screwed, Dude.]
“You won’t have much time, I can only contain him so long,” Luna explained.
“Twilight and the others will be following me in hot pursuit. Once they get there, I just have to slap Loyalty on and you can fire the rainbow-death-ray thingy at him,” I said. “It shouldn’t take that long.”
“I’ll lead the girls there, and I’ll be able to track you. Just don’t hit me too hard when I make my grand entrance in town.” Twilight smiled and let out a nervous laugh.
“Well, I won’t lie. I’ve never had to pull a punch before, so I’ll do my best.”
“So that’s it then? That’s the entire plan, Dude?” Dash asked. “You’re not hiding something from me?”
I glanced over at her. “Of course not!” It was hard enough to keep a good poker face while simultaneously hiding my thoughts from her. “Besides, if you get control back it’ll be you executing the plan, so obviously I can’t hide any of the steps from you.”
“If you still have doubts, Dash, we’ll find another way,” Twilight stated. “I’m not going to lose either of you; not to that serpent, Discord.”
“What about me?” Scootaloo asked. She was still sitting in my lap like a cat, only with ten times the potential if I could weaponize her cuteness. “You promised I could be part of the plan and help! I want to save you too, Don!”
I took a deep breath and smiled at her, knowing she might not forgive me for what was going to happen next. “Yes, Scootaloo, I do. In case anything happens to me, you have to Pinkie promise to keep an eye on Dash for me, okay? And do good in school and all that.”
“But I want to punch Discord, or be a distraction, or maybe I can chase you on my scooter!” Scootaloo hopped off of me and began to hover in the air, displaying her fighting skills. “He’ll never see me coming!”
“Scootaloo, this is dangerous. Besides, after Discord sends me home Dash is going to be really lonely. She’ll be utterly lost without me, so I need you to promise to look after her, Scootaloo. That is how you can help.”
She thought it over for a minute and landed. “Okay. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Scootaloo smiled and walked over towards me.
“Thanks, Squirt,” I turned to Luna. “She needs to be safe while we execute this plan. Put her in a deep sleep so she doesn’t try to chase after us and get hurt.”
Scootaloo stepped backwards, frowning. “But I could still help! I don’t want to just sleep the whole. . . whole. . .”
Luna’s horn stopped glowing and Scootaloo faded out of the dream. “It is done.”
“Nope!” Discord stood up and made his chair vanish. “The bad news was that you’re dying. The good news is that I’m sending you back to die on Earth!”
He laughed at me, and I really wished I could knock that smile off his face. “You think you’re clever? We had a deal!”
“After all the trouble you put me through? After the Elements nearly activated and imprisoned me again?” All hint of laughter was gone from his voice. His stare pierced me as he towered above me. “No. I’m sending you back to die, Don. They’ll never find Dash, and one by one I’ll pick off the fractured Elements. This is your punishment for being a nuisance.”
Silver light started to filter into the opening in the forest we were in. Above me, the new moon was turning to a full moon, and I began to chuckle.
“I’ve always found laughing in the face of death rather pathetic. Well, let’s get this show on the road,” Discord said. He snapped his fingers and nothing happened. Glancing down at his hand, he snapped his fingers again.
I could feel the raw power emanating from him, yet by now Luna was focusing all her concentration on countering his magic so he didn’t just teleport away.
I laughed loudly as he snapped his fingers over and over. He was able to do a few parlor tricks, like making flowers appear or causing stones to turn to rabbits. However, his ability to vaporize me or teleport away seemed to be completely gone.
“Are you really that naive?” I asked. The surge of confidence helped me ignore the aches and pains as Dash’s body continued its attempt to expel me. “Did you learn nothing from the duplicity of humans while on Earth?”
“What? No, this isn’t possible!” Discord said. “What did you do?”
“You told me in town one alicorn was no match for you, so I brought two. And like a fool, you walked right into the trap.”
I reached for the saddlebag again trying to get the Element of Loyalty out for when Twilight got here.
“Oh no, you don’t!” Discord leaned over and put his claw around my throat, choking me.
Shit, I didn’t think of that.
[Kick him, quick!]
“I don’t need magic to kill you, you insolent little wretch!”
I struggled to speak or cry out for help, but could feel his tight grip blocking off my feeble attempts to breathe. Kicking my hind legs against him didn’t seem to do much besides anger him more.
“Sometimes, the messy ways are the most fun.” He picked up a large rock in his other hand and lifted it above him. “And I do think your splattered brains will be very entertaining.”
The burning in my lungs had gotten so bad that I thrashed around, desperate to get one last breath of air. He had me pinned to the ground, dead to rights, and I couldn’t even focus enough to apologize to Dash.
As he prepared to cave my skull in, a violet blast of energy collided with Discord’s side, knocking him backwards. My chest expanded and air rushed in to fill the void. I immediately started coughing as my sore throat spasmed. Then I noticed the rock Discord had been holding, falling straight for me.
Before I could make any effort to dodge it, a purple aura surrounded the rock and tossed it harmlessly aside. My saddlebag opened itself up and the Element of Loyalty levitated itself out, fastening itself around my neck.
Twilight can make one hell of a dramatic entrance.
[Remind me never to piss her off. I could feel that blast impact him!]
The dream meeting with Luna was over. Now the dream had reverted to normal, and we should’ve been waking up any moment. Dash and I sat on the ground silently as we waited. Twilight and Luna had already woken up, whereas Scootaloo would’ve stayed sound asleep until the next morning.
“So, Don, I still know you’re up to something,” Dash said.
I moaned in defeat. “Fine, if it makes you feel better, let’s just say I’m going to do anything to make sure this plan works.”
“I’ll do anything too. Just don’t—” I glanced over to see why she had stopped speaking. She was wiping something off her face.
“Liquid pride?” I joked, trying to recall where I’d heard that phrase before.
“Hah! I don’t cry—I mean, liquid pride or whatever! Just don’t you dare get some stupid idea in your head that you have to die to save my life, or Equestria, alright? You deserve better.”
“Thanks, Dash. You want me to kiss you and make it better?” I reached for her to pull her in for a hug.
“Ugh, you’re insufferable!” Dash batted my hand away. “Look, you tell anypony this and I’ll find a way to come to Earth and kick your flank. You’re the real hero here, not the Elements. You could have tried to run away, or surrendered, or maybe even taken over my body but you didn’t. Thanks to you, we still have a shot at this, okay?”
I chuckled, knowing just what sappy, inspirational thing to say. “So, Dash, do you know what that makes me?”
“No, what?”
“A big damn hero.”
Twilight ran into the clearing, followed closely by the other Elements of Harmony. Judging by the looks of concern they were giving me, Twilight had filled them in once they had gathered at the edge of town to follow me.
“Discord!” Twilight shouted. “For your crimes against Equestria you’re going back to your prison, indefinitely!”
The Element of Loyalty was glowing softly around my neck, soothing the fearsome headache that had been assaulting me for the last hour. “Nice, Twilight. You come up with that all by yourself?” I quipped.
“Insolent! Insignificant! Ants! How dare you attempt to imprison a god?!” Discord screamed. His voice caused the ground to rumble, and though Twilight didn’t show it, I could tell she must be as terrified as me.
“Your overconfidence has always been your biggest weakness,” Twilight said. All of the Elements were glowing brightly, except mine.
Discord stood up and remained on-guard, focused on deflecting any attack Twilight might’ve made until the Elements charged up. He pointed a claw at me. “He is still interfering with the Element! And I can feel Luna’s spell weakening. The instant she weakens, I’m teleporting out of here. I’m going to scorch every inch of Equestria until you surrender! I’m done playing nice!”
“This is what you call playing nice? Terrorizing ponies, attempting to kill them, stealing lives?” Twilight looked over at me, a hint of pleading in her eyes as she frowned slightly.
[Come on, Dude, charge it up!]
I’m trying. I’m thinking about you and Scootaloo and the others, it’s just not enough. I want to kick his ass, I swear!
[Don’t focus on the anger and all that junk, just loyalty! You can do it.]
I swallowed and looked up, seeing Luna silhouetted against the moon. There was no way for me to tell how much time she had left. She was putting every ounce of her strength into a single task, and even then, her counterspell might wear off of Discord before I got the Element to full strength.
There’s no time to dick around, we need the Element of Loyalty, and we need it now.
[What are you saying?]
I’m saying goodbye, this is the best shot I know how to give you.
[Wait, are you. . . Don’t!]
You should get control back, spend more time with Scootaloo for me, okay?
I closed my eyes and focused on the memories in Dash’s mind. From my corner of her brain I could see the connections linking her memories together. This was the highway that I had briefly probed when I had first gotten to Equestria. Every emotion, memory, and experience of Dash’s life was laid out before me.
Dash was still calling out for me, telling me not to do something stupid like sacrificing myself. Unfortunately, the choice wasn’t up to her. Equestria didn’t need some human, it needed Dash. Everypony here needed the loyalty that only she could provide, yet I had one last thing to give.
Her voice became little more than an echo as I let go of everything. I stopped thinking of myself as a human, I accepted myself as another memory—an experience—that was just part of Dash.
The silvery strands connecting her memories together blazed brighter and brighter, illuminating the void I now floated in. I started in her most recent memory and followed the trail backwards.
I knew what I was looking for, but wasn’t sure what form it would take. I felt more and more of myself fade, to be replaced by a warm, contented feeling. At first, I had thought I would be more scared of letting go, of letting myself be absorbed. Yet the serene peacefulness of it removed any doubt from my mind about what I was doing.
There.
A memory that looked like it would work. I could feel loyalty radiating off of it like heat from the sun. This is where I would dwell, where I would focus the last of my effort.
Settling down in the small clearing, I sat next to Dash and Scootaloo as they shared a hug.
“Of course I’ll take you under my wing, Squirt.”
Joy crept over me as I smiled. Gone were my feelings of anger, anxiety, and so many other emotions. I could not remember what it was like to be hungry or lonely. All I knew now was the love and loyalty of two ponies. It was all I could focus on.
And it was wonderful.
A sensation like sleepiness overcame me. I felt warm, as if Dash’s wings were wrapped around me and not Scootaloo. The clearing began to fade from sight until I could no longer see.
All that was left was my loyalty, and deep down I knew that was all Dash needed.
Dash sat on a large hill, enjoying the sunset with Soarin. The picturesque reds being cast over the horizon were to be expected in Equestria, and I could get used to the mild weather.
It was nice to relax after all of the hard times we had gone through. Thanks to her combined efforts with me, Discord had been re-imprisoned. Now, Equestria would be at peace and the god of chaos would be working on his tan—permanently.
“I told you we could do it,” I said. Even though I appeared in most of Dash’s dreams, she didn’t seem to notice—or perhaps she forgot upon awakening.
She nodded, and nuzzled into Soarin’s side. “Yeah, things turned out pretty awesome.”
“You know I could give you a hell of a massage. Fingers beat hooves anyday.” I laid down and stretched my arms and legs, reveling in the feeling of the warm sun beating down on us.
“Well, there’s something different on my mind.” Dash began to kiss Soarin, falling to the ground with him.
“God, I’m gonna be sick now. You really ought to dream of something more original.”
Dash continued on for a few moments before pulling back from Soarin. “Huh, dreaming?”
I smiled, but already the illusion had been shattered. The grassy hill faded from sight as she began to wake up. Soon the dream vanished along with myself.
Rainbow woke up with a gasp, restlessly shifting under the bed sheets. She wasn’t one to normally remember her dreams, yet this one had been different. She continued to focus on the image of Don in his human body.
It had only been a few days since the battle with Discord, where Don’s sacrifice enabled her to save Equestria. She had refused to give up on him, despite no spell being able to turn up any sign of him.
Dash got out of bed, taking a moment to orient herself to the unfamiliar layout of the Canterlot castle. She had been staying here since the big battle, wanting to keep Twilight, Luna, and Celestia close at hoof in case there was some hope of undoing what Dash saw as an injustice: Don’s death.
The hallways were empty as she flew towards the top of the spire she had been staying in. Up top was Luna’s observatory, and the place she spent most of her free time in. When Dash got there, she saw the princess looking through a telescope at her night sky.
“Luna, I found him!” Dash shouted. She flew over and landed right in front of her, breathing heavily.
“Good evening, Rainbow Dash.” She looked down at her, softening her tone. “Who have you found?”
“Don! He was in my dream. Quick, cast some fancy spell or something!”
Luna smiled, opening a wing and inviting Dash in for a hug. “All those we hold dear appear in our dreams—it is truly a gift. Our magic could not find Don, and though we do not want you to give up hope, the more often we probe your mind with magic the more severe the risks.”
Dash continued to stand there, denying Luna’s hug. “Look, you don’t have to go in my mind. Just go in my dream and I’ll prove it! I know I tend to go a bit overboard, once in a while, but this is different.”
“Very well, come here and show me what you saw. If there is a chance Don is alive, I will gladly investigate it.” Luna didn’t want to get Dash’s hopes up. The time Dash had spent with Don had been an intimate experience. The two could not hide their thoughts or feelings from each other, like normal ponies could. Dash’s rough-and-tumble tomboy exterior did little to hide her gentler nature from the human. Luna was not surprised at how tough she had taken the loss, and was more than happy to continue searching for Don to ease her pain.
“Okay.” Dash walked over and sat next to her side, letting Luna drape a wing over her. When Dash closed her eyes she felt magic washing over her, causing her to yawn and stretch out her legs. She collapsed into a deep sleep moments later.
Dash walked down the empty streets of Ponyville, looking for something that seemed just out of reach. She had forgotten why she had come here, why Ponyville was so empty.
Luna appeared in front of her, causing her to jump back, startled.
“Oh, hey, Luna. What brings you to Ponyville?” Dash asked.
“We are in your dream, Dash. Become aware of your surroundings,” Luna ordered. Her horn glowed briefly, causing the veil of sleep to wash away from Dash.
“Whoa, I completely forgot I was dreaming,” Dash said.
“Most ponies do. Now, you are in control. Summon Don here and we shall investigate.”
Dash nodded, then closed her eyes, squinting as she concentrated. After a few moments of causing her blood vessels to bulge out of her neck, she exhaled and relaxed. “Well?” Dash looked around, seeing the streets still empty. “Oh, come on!”
“Do not force it; the subconscious mind is vast. What were you doing when he last appeared?” Luna asked.
“Uh, having a picnic?” As soon as Dash pictured it in her mind, a picnic blanket appeared along with a large salad. There was a bottle of hard apple cider and an autographed Wonderbolts picture. “Yeah, it was a date with Soarin!”
The stunt pony in question appeared, sitting on the blanket and staring off towards a nearby building. “Good, Dash. What else?”
“Well, I think he wasn’t too happy when I offered him salad. Kept making wisecracks about it.” Dash looked around for some sign of change. “Hey, Don! Come eat some salad!”
The vacant town remained unchanged, and Dash began to frown.
“Keep going, Dash.”
“Well, I started kissing Soarin, and I, uh. . . Do you want me to make out in front of you?” Dash asked.
Luna giggled. “If you knew half of what I’d seen in dreams, you would not be so shy. Go ahead.”
She went over and pinned Soarin to the ground, making out with him with no subtlety. The two parted to catch their breath after a couple minutes of kissing.
“Come on, come on!” Dash stomped a hoof impatiently.
“Relax. What happened next?”
“Hmm, well, that was the end, but I was about to—” Dash pawed the ground and blushed, her cheeks turning crimson. “I, uh. . . you know.”
Luna nodded, and the very nervous Dash turned around and stretched her forelegs forward. She raised her butt in the air and flicked her tail to the side. A very interested Soarin got up and started to approach her.
“Come on, come on!” Dash whispered under her breath. She didn’t really want to bang in front of a princess, but if Luna said it might help, she would.
“Mind out of the gutter, or at least let Luna in on the action,” I quipped. “I’ve seen this show before.”
Dash turned to face me as I walked down the street towards her. “Don!” She flew straight at me, tackling me to the ground before I could attempt to dodge her.
“Oomph!” I hit the ground hard, but it didn’t hurt. I reached up and gave her a noogie. “Hey, glad to see you figured out lucid dreaming. The re-runs were getting old. I mean, I pretty much got non-stop dreams of you and Soarin, or you and Scootaloo.”
“Don, it’s only been a few days,” Dash said.
“Really? I. . . can’t remember how long I’ve been here.”
“Fascinating,” Luna stated. She stood just feet from where I had landed when Dash hugged me with a death grip.
“Yo, Moonbutt, what’s up?” I asked.
Luna stuttered as she tried to recover from my nickname. “I—you—what?!”
“See!” Dash got up and pointed a hoof at me. “I told you he was in my dreams.”
“I don’t know what to say, except if that really is you, you will never refer to me with that nickname again!” Luna chuckled softly. “Though I suppose we could start calling Celestia, Sunnybutt.”
“So, Dash, what’s going on? Is this another dream?” I asked.
“I don’t think so. Luna?” Dash inquired.
“I’ve never seen anything like it, Dash. I suppose it is possible that his conscious mind took sanctuary in your subconsciousness. Dreams are the only window into the subconscious mind.” Luna scratched her head behind the left ear with a hoof.
“So, let’s get him out of here then!” Dash smiled at Luna, then turned and glared at me. “And you are gonna get kicked in the flank for not telling me you planned to sacrifice yourself!”
“That was spur of the moment.” I stuck my hands in the air. “Forgive me.”
“We will have to go now, Dash, and make preparations,” Luna explained.
“What kind of preparations? What if something happens to him while we’re gone?” Dash walked around, muttering out questions until Luna stopped her.
“Dash, we need a place to send him before we proceed.”
Dash froze and looked up at Luna, eyes wide in hope. “So you can save him?!”
Luna smirked and gave Dash a single confident nod. “Maybe, but we’ll need to go deeper.”
I was at the Wonderbolts air show in Canterlot with my season tickets, so I headed back stage to tell Spitfire what an awesome stunt she did. Then, I walked into the locker room and Soarin was in the shower. I was so embarassed! I don't think he noticed, but I totally got a look at what's he is packing and damn! He's quite a stallion.
So I managed to sneak out of there and find Spitfire in her office at the stadium. She was thrilled to see me, said they'll finally have an opening on the team for me and I should be hearing from them for tryouts soon! But to make it even better, Soarin walked in!
I was blushing so much, he must have thought I was just some fan girl. So he started talking to me and I realized I didn't even hear what he was saying, I was so excited. So I went "Yeah, sure!"
And then he says, "Alright, next Thursday it's a date!"
And Spitfire had to catch me, me, Rainbow Dash, because I started to pass out! This was so embarassing, but so awesome! I totally got a date with Soarin! I've always wondered, but never been brave enough to ask.
What will I cook? What will I wear?
I'll have to go see Fluttershy and get a good salad recipe. Maybe Rarity can make me a sexy maid's outfit or something. Nothing could possibly go wrong!
Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh!
Nothing could possibly go wrong! This is going to be the Best Date Ever!
-Dash
I got caught with my hoof in the cookie jar today. Or, I guess it's more accurate to say it's the library's 'adult' section.
I mean, sure Rarity likely has a few pointers on how to make my night with Soarin 'extra special'. However, I don't want to admit to her that I, the awesome Rainbow Dash, need advice on how to please a stallion!
Except... maybe I do. It's been a long time since Flight Camp and well, I figured Twilight has to have a copy of the Pony Sutra in her library. I mean, imagine the look on his face if I was able to pull off the Inverted Cowpegasus or a Triple Bareback Unicorn.
So there I was, in the middle of her locked, 'adult' section, when in strolls Twilight to put away a book somepony had returned. It was awful! I had been touching down there without even realizing it, and she saw everything! I could barely speak, and then she gives me this grin. This 'I know exactly why you're looking at that book, you minx!' look!
I bolted past her before she could say a word and flew out of the library. I've been hiding in my room ever since. I've never been so embarrassed in my life... luckily I got what I needed. I've found the perfect way to bring Soarin to his knees on our date.
I had better go practice.
Five more days until soarin gets here. I'm excited! I finally went over to see Rarity and get her advice. Somehow she already knew. . . Twilight must have mentioned she caught me snooping, what a little snitch! By now, the entire town probably knows about me and my plans to give Soarin his own personal Sonic Rainboom.
That's neither here nor there though! Rarity said she could help! She ensures me that she has the perfect outfit for me—sexy maid, just like I guessed! Apparently guys love maids, which is better than Neighpanese schoolgirls at least.
Hey, and it's not like I hate looking girly, it's just impractical when you're as awesome as I am! I totally dress up for the Grand Galloping Gala and stuff... and I actually bet I'll look really freaking hot in the outfit! So I told Rarity to make sure I don't get cold hooves. I might change my mind when I see all the frills and stuff, but if anypony knows how to make lingerie, it's Rarity.
She also promised to give the outfit a 'trigger spell'. She says all I'll have to do is put my hoof into one of the socks, and the outfit will put itself on! That sounds really useful. You have no idea what a pain in the flank it is to get dressed in frilly stuff as a pegasus. Unicorns think we just magically put clothes on, but there's a good reason I don't run around in clothes! At least the Wonderbolts suits are a one-piece. Somepony in Cloudsdale has half a brain.
Well, not much to do now I guess. Fluttershy will show me how to make a salad later. Perhaps I can stop by Zecora's hut and see if she has any 'performance enhancers'—oh Celestia, I still feel so naughty just thinking about it. It's Rarity's fault, really. She just had to tell me about this plant that makes 'an orgasm absolutely marvelous, darling.'
I'm starting to wonder if this is how stallions feel. Then again, I'm in heat so I'm totally not gonna take any responsibility for my actions over the next couple months. It isn't my fault nature has decided to torment me night and day with thoughts of dripping horse c—sorry, I keep forgetting I'm just writing in a journal. I uh, need to go take a long bath and try to clear my head out. It's really hard to think with this dang itch.
Diary, does this make me a whorse? Nah, no way... I mean, he's Soarin! Every mare in town would love to take him for a ride. They'll all be so jealous when we get together and start a family!
Gah, that was the hormones, I swear! But he would give me such strong foals. . .
I ran into Applejack today. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without a journal. It's not like I can admit this stuff to anypony. Anyway, she actually gave me advice for the sack.
Yep, Applejack the 'honest', family-oriented, never done anything dirty in her life pony, gave me some kinky ideas.
Does everypony in this town know about me and Soarin? I mean, it's the first date! It's not like I'm easy I'm just excited, you know? There aren't many stallions in Equestria so a girl has to be prepared to stake her claim!
Anyway, I was just napping on a cloud and it drifted near her apple stand. She called me down, offering me an apple. Next thing I know, she's telling me about how a little 'rough loving' can enhance a relationship. Why, she even had Vinyl in on it! Applejack showed me how to tie a pony up the 'right' way, tying Vinyl up right there in the middle of the marketplace! Thank goodness the fillies were in school. . . because I was aroused.
And what's with AJ and Vinyl anyway? Are they like. . . a couple? The thought of those two going at it right next door to the Crusaders during a sleepover. . . Mare, I need to get my mind out of the gutter!
She left me some rope and gave me another of those annoying 'go get 'em champ' looks. So apparently all my friends are cheering for me. I bet you Pinkie is even planning a party for me. "Yay! Dashie got the fruit bats cleaned out of her cellar! Try some of the frosted carrot cake, it's shaped like carrots!"
Heh, well I supposed I could always talk to Fluttershy about this stuff. We've always been confidants. Still, when it comes down to it I'd rather put my thoughts here where they are safe. It's not like anyone could ever talk me into sharing this stuff with total strangers. They'd have to like, save the world or something to make me do that. And luckily, the only pony around here that saves the world is me! And I suppose Twi and the gals help. And by help, I mean I mostly float there while Twilight vaporizes the bad guy. . . but I'm still crucial to the process!
Hmm, I wonder if Soarin only likes me because I saved the world? Maybe I need to go get a . . . ugh. . . hooficure and make sure to look my best. Just to be safe, I mean, nopony would turn me down for a second date. He seemed nice enough when we hang out around Spitfire. . .
I don't know what to say. I went over to Fluttershy's cottage to get tips for making a great salad and. . . nothing embarassing happened.
We had a lovely chat, I borrowed some scented candles, and she helped me buy some fresh vegetables. Next thing I know we're sipping tea and reminiscing about old times. She showed me a few tricks to use on Soarin. I was impressed, though I didn't really want to ask how she knew these things... it is just her and her animals at the cottage after all. Come to think of it, that grizzly bear of hers was looking pretty jealous—haha! Nah, no way. That's ridiculous. . . right?
Only a couple more days now and I'll have our first date. For a mare in heat, I think I'm handling it well. I only had four 'baths' today. I'll have to tell Soarin to wear protection. I don't want to go getting prego on the first date! Fifty-two weeks in the year, and he has to ask me to a first date during the two weeks I'm in estrus. What are the odds? I mean, I could ask Twilight but a Cloudsdalian never asks for the odds.
Speaking of which, Fluttershy gave me some ginger roots from her garden and told me about this thing you can do with them, and it's not like I have any work to do because the forecast is sunny all week long. . . I suppose I might as well enjoy the two horniest weeks of the year and hope that Pinkie doesn't go snooping through my diary again. I can't imagine what she'd think if she'd read those notes I took on the Pony Sutra.
Then again, I bet she's had some sort of freaky cupcake fetish sex. It wouldn't surprise me to find her or Derpy shoulder-deep in baked goods with a stallion shouting "Yeee-haw!"
Heh, I'll have to remember that joke for later.
I stopped by Rarity's today, and I'm not very happy. She didn't finish my skimpy little maid outfit in time! She apologized and offered it to me for free, but I'll have to wait until the second date to use it!
I know, I'm sexy enough that I don't need it. I just wanted to be sure, you know? How many times have you heard about a mare who really liked a stallion. Then after a date or two, some other mare steals him away by putting out! Sure, my mom always told me I'm better off without that kind of stallion, but Soarin isn't that kind of stallion! I have to make sure he never forgets the name Rainbow Dash!
Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard. I know last year my estrus was particularly brutal. If it weren't for my friends I probably would have gotten splinters from a barstool in my frenzy to mate. In fact, ever since I became Element of Loyalty my estrus has been rather extreme.
Nah, I've got nothing to worry about. I'll just be myself, enjoy some salad, and see how Soarin treats me. If he plays his cards right, he'll be too limp to fly back to Clousdale until morning.
Yep, nothing could possibly ruin our dinner date tomorrow!
Oh wait—I forgot to buy salad dressing! Shit! I'm runied! The store's closed, where am I going to get dressing? does he like Thousand Isle™ or Purple Ranch™? What if he wants Olive Oil and Vinegar? Red or white? Oh Celestia, I've ruined everyt—
Soarin will be here this evening, and a massive storm is brewing over the Everfree. What rotten luck! I swear, it's like fate is trying to keep me from getting stuffed!
I wonder if the storm is coincidence. Last year when I went in heat, there was also a huge storm. Come to think of it, it seems like Applejack always goes into heat when the Zap Apples are blooming. . . and when Pinkie went into heat it was during the two week long Summer Sun Celebration festival!
Well, I'll let the egghead figure that one out. I've got to get the weather team out there and push the storm back over the Everfree. Then, I'll have to rush home and get dinner ready. I swear with Celestia as my witness, nothing will stop this date from happening!
Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh.
Yeah, that's it! If I'm causing this storm, then it's my civic duty to Equestria to get rutted by Soarin until the storm stops! Hahaha! I'm twice as smart as Twilight. She can go organize the library or something while she is in heat, I'm gonna make my own thunder tonight!
