> An Unexpected Kinship
>  by Fathead
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Saved by the Spell
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“See you guys on Monday!”, I said to the cashiers as I left my store.  I made a hasty exit to avoid any managers who might be on the prowl, looking for some unsuspecting associate to keep from leaving the big box of pain.  As I approached the doors to freedom a familiar voice echoed from behind me.  
“Hey you!”, this stopped me in my tracks.  I slowly turned around to see my assistant manager Greg smiling at me.
“Oh, hey Greg.  You kind of surprised me there, what's up?”, I said with a bit of hesitation.   	“This is it, he's going to ask me.”, I thought.
“Just wanted to catch you-”
“Here it comes.”
“before you get out of here-”
“Got to come up with some excuse.”
“To say, have nice weekend.”, he said extending his hand inviting a handshake.  Without missing a beat I quickly shook his hand, did an about face and took off for my car.  The fact that he didn't ask me to stay late or show up at six in the morning tomorrow threw me off, and I should have taken this as a bad omen.  

Lighting a cigarette as I walked to my car presented yet another time to test my luck, to see if my old beater of a car would get me home or if some parking lot mechanic shenanigans were in order.  As I slid my key into the ignition I gave the steering wheel a hug for good measure.



“Come on baby don't fail me now.  I have the weekend off and you starting would just make my day.”  I said, pleading with my car in a conversation that was unsurprisingly one sided time and time again.  After uttering those words of encouragement I held my breath and turned the key,  “YES! My creation, it lives!”, I shouted as my car roared to life.  That statement never fails to get strange looks from people passing by, especially when a twenty-five year old, two hundred-thirty pound, red headed man with a beard like a biker is yelling it.  As I climbed into the car my cell phone's message tone started to chime and I immediately thought it was a request to come in tomorrow.
“Forget it, I'll check it on my way home.  Let's just get the heck away from this place.”  I said as I threw the shifter in reverse and burned rubber out of the lot.  
With an unusually good day at work behind me I took off down the road and back home where my games and TV were waiting, as well as a change of clothes for the date I had set up with a girl from electronics.  All was right with the world, well right up to the moment I took my eyes off the road and got to know the rear end of and eighteen wheel tractor trailer.  I clenched my teeth, shut my eyes tight, slammed on the brakes and braced for the inevitable, and most likely, fatal impact.  My life flashed before my eyes and I wished I had a bowl of popcorn to go with it.



“This is it, I'm going to die and there's nothing I can do about it.”, I thought to myself, "No chance to say 'good bye world' no way to warn my past self, nothing.”  



As I slowly, and quite reluctantly opened my eyes, I expected to see my car's steering wheel in my chest and my head through the windshield, but I was way off.  Everything had been frozen in place like someone hit the pause button on some action movie.  My driver's side door had been thrown open from the accident, shaking like crazy I slowly climbed out of my car and took a step back to observe what appeared to be divine intervention.  I could see the looks of pure terror on the faces of the other drivers still sitting in their cars, but as I walked right up to one SUV there was no reaction from the driver or any of his passengers.  The front of my car was stopped mid-impact, just the first few inches of the hood and fenders had started to crumple against the back of the big-rig truck I had hit moments before.  
But the weirdest part was my body; it was still in the car.  All buckled in and still in the preemptive bracing position I took.  I wasn't a man of faith but you can imagine that a moment like that could turn damn near anyone into a believer, and then the paranoia set in.  My mind skipped the whole notion that this was me being saved to live another day and jumped right to the possibility that this was to be my own personal hell for all of eternity, to watch myself die in this crash over and over again just because I wanted to change a song on my stereo.  I stood there and waited for the tape to rewind and replay this moment, just to confirm what I truly hoped was only some demented thought my brain had cooked up.  It seemed like I was waiting for hours but nothing happened, no evil cackle from a demon to tell me that my soul was now his or some glow to give me a second chance at life from the good side of the supernatural spectrum, so I took matters into my own hands.



“Well, since the world just tossed all laws of physics out the window, and as far as I can tell this is real, then I'm not leaving myself in that car.” I said as I approached the scene of the accident that still had yet to happen.  



As I went to pull myself out of the car I ran into a small problem, I couldn't grab my own body.  My hands passed right through my body's arms, legs, you name it.  Upon closer inspection I saw that my hands and the rest of me was slightly transparent.  Now no amount of training, scientific knowledge or faith in any religion could have prepared me for the next curve ball that this day was about to throw at me.  As I continued to fail at getting my body out of the car, and away from the frozen accident scene, I heard a ripping sound; almost as if someone was tearing open boxes to be thrown in a dumpster.  I paid no attention to it as I had heard a similar sound hundreds of times before in my day to day life but then something in my head clicked, nothing else was moving.  



“Wait, if I'm not making that sound”, I said slowly turning around, afraid at what I might see, “then what the hel-”, I was staring at what could only be described as a rip in the very fabric of reality, a possible portal through time or worse a black hole to nothingness.  But before I even had the chance to contemplate what this was or why it had appeared it began to pull me into it, I thought my life was over.  “No! I don't want to die! Help me! Some one in the name of God help me!”, I shouted as I was sucked toward the hole.  
As I got closer to the vortex I looked back and to my amazement my body was being pulled out of the car and was hurdling towards the vortex as well.  As I entered this space and time portal I began to feel like I was being stretched, like waking up first thing in the morning, it was almost relaxing except for the terror of possibly dying.  That was my last conscious moment in this world before blacking out.




After some time I finally came to and found myself lying on an ice cold table with an obnoxiously bright spotlight pointed directly at my face.  I slowly raised my head and cautiously looked around the room making notes of everything that was there trying to think of where I could possibly be.  I spotted a small tray to my left containing what looked like medical examination tools; tongue depressors, stethoscopes, a blood pressure measuring machine even that little ear checker with a light on it, I tried to sit up to see more but I was halted.  
Craning my neck I saw the army of restraints that were impeding me; two large leather straps held my chest and knees to the table while thick metal bands secured my hands and feet.  I continued to look around the room hoping to find some clues as to where in the world I could possibly be and then something else dawned on me, I was damn near naked.  The only thing I had covering any part of me was an old towel that went across my hips and wrapped around me. 
"Oh god."  I thought.  I started to sweat and shake as the slightly twisted part of my mind conjured up horrible possibilities of what was in store for me.  I began to panic at this moment as the thought of being experimented on while conscious scared the living daylights out of me.  I began to struggle against the straps hoping to escape and find my way to safety and my home, but the myriad of fasteners held strong making it quite clear that I wasn't going anywhere.



I tried to call out for help hoping for someone to free me, but all I could manage were some partially muted moans and grunts.  What troubled me most about this wasn't the fact that I couldn't form coherent words, but that I couldn't feel my tongue touching the inside of my mouth.  I began to growl and snarl out of frustration and fear that it might have been removed while I was unconscious.  After a few moments of this I became convinced that whoever had brought me to this place already had their fun and just left me to rot, until I heard a chair move and a voice in the darkness.



“Well it sounds like our patient has finally come around.” A man's voice said, sounding relieved.  “Looks like I can finally get back to checking it out for the Princess.”
“Oh that's convenient doc”, replied another man in a rather unconvinced tone, “and just as I had backed you into a corner and was about to take your Queen.  If you're going to lose to me at least admit it instead of coming up with excuses.”
“And if you're going to play me in chess Shining Armor remember that a grand master never makes excuses for fear that he might lose the game, because against a novice like you that isn't even a possibility.”  The first voice replied quite confidently.  “So I'm going to put this game on hold and finish the health examination, and when I'm done I'll return to put you in your place on the chess board.”



Now armed with that piece of information I started to calm down, knowing that you're not going to be cut open while still alive is always good.  I heard a clopping sound and saw a figure move past the end of the table and nothing I knew or imagined could have prepared me for the face to face encounter I was about to have as a horse slowly stepped into the light and began to look me over.  
This wasn't just any horse either, it was a unicorn straight out of some little girl's dream.  It had a light blue coat, a yellow mane and these big green eyes.  The face wasn't as long as a normal horse's, but the big thing that made me realize I wasn't in Kansas anymore is what came out of it's mouth when it opened, no not a neigh or a whinny but words.  Actual English words, not something that sounded like English or was some variant but full, coherent and rather clearly spoken English.



“Now how is our little Human doing today?  Hmm, is he a good boy?” he said in that pet talk you use on your dog or cat.  “Let's take a look at those ears and your big eyes.” He said calmly as the ear checker was levitated over me.  My head suddenly turned to the left, not voluntarily or from him pushing it that way but by some invisible force.  No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't move my head back to look at him, and when he was done with my right ear my head whipped to the right and he began checking the other ear.  “Splendid,” he said in a satisfied tone, “now that wasn't so bad was it?”  Talking to me like I was a little kid really getting on my nerves, I tried to convey my displeasure with him through words but still nothing but more muted grunts, so in lieu of words I simply snarled at him.  “Say Shining Armor, come on over and take a look.  I bet you've never seen a human this close without it posing a threat to you.”
“I don't know,” he said hesitantly, “are you sure it's safe?”  
“Of course it's safe.”  The doctor replied in a miffed tone, “This table is specifically rated to contain a human, now stop worrying, get over here and educate yourself.”
“You calling me stupid doc? Because we've always got an extra cell with your name on it.”  He replied sounding a little annoyed at the thought of someone insulting his intelligence.
“Not at all, but if you were listening then you would have noticed that this human has been making vocal noises,” he gave me this perplexed look, “which is rather unusual for this species.  I want to find out why it isn't clicking like others that I've examined in the past.  I thought it would be interesting to probe around in his mouth and find out the reason for this.  Thought you might be curious too.”  The other voice simply chuckled.
“No thanks doc, I've got patrols to organize.  You can have fun with the beast,” he spat back, “and his vocal noises.”  He said in a snide tone as a door opened.  “I've got two very capable guards outside to take him to the animal review board when you're finished.”  The door then slammed shut, I shot a dirty look in the general direction of the sound.
“Oh don't worry about him big guy, he had a bad experience wrangling one of you in Fillydelphia.  Now let's see why you aren't making the usual homosapien noises.”  He said as my mouth involuntarily open and he took a long look inside.  “Oh my word!”, he exclaimed, “This is a once in a lifetime find.  I simply must jot this down.”  He began to think out loud, or at least I hoped he was, as he walked away from the table, I strained to see where he had gone.  
I saw him approach a bench as a quill levitated to an ink well where it was dipped several times and apparently began to write as he spoke.  “The subject has fully functioning vocal chords, but the lack of the tell tale human clicking sounds are due to a stunted tongue.  It's a one in ten-thousand birth defect and no human has ever been found at this age alive who had it.”  He finished as my mouth was released from the lock.  This was a little unsettling but was also somewhat of a relief as I had been quite worried about the lack of feeling in my tongue.  



The horse returned to the table with a small syringe that was about half full some green concoction and was slowly moving towards me.  I began to struggle again out of fear that this was poison, that this discovery he had made was grounds for euthanasia.  
“It's okay big guy, I'm not going to hurt you,” he said trying to calm me down, “I'm just going to knock you out for a little while.  Now this will only take a second.” He assured me as he stuck the needle in my arm and the plunger pushed the liquid into my veins.  Within seconds I started to feel tired and was unable to move my hands and feet.  My neck lost all function and my head fell back and hit the table with a thud, I was out just seconds after that.



I woke up to the sound of a door closing behind me and my whole body swaying slightly left to right, there was a lot of strain on my arms and legs as well.  As I opened my eyes all I saw at first was the ceiling and the underbelly of a horse.  I tried to move but whatever the doctor shot me up with still had me quite groggy and my strength hadn't returned yet.  I began hoping that I was hallucinating and that I was actually on a gurney in some hospital, that the whole previous sequence of events had been a dream and I had woken up and was back in my hometown.  As the grogginess began to fade I became more aware of my surroundings and began listening for my name, wishing that someone, anyone was trying to check if I was coherent, but all of my hopes were dashed as I tuned into the conversation that was going on.



“Geez this thing is heavy.  How did we get this crappy assignment?”  One younger voice said sounding quite aggravated.
“Will you quit whining?  You're never going to get any respect if you don't take the bad duties with the good.”  The other noticeably more mature voice replied, “You need to understand that being a Royal Guard isn't all flash and glamor.  You signed up for whatever duties that our Captain or her Royal Highness request of us.  Some aren't all that wonderful, but in time you'll realize that every task is just as important as the last.”  



I began to feel some of my strength returning and was eager to see what exactly was happening.  As I looked around I found that my hands and feet were chained together and I was suspended on a long wooden pole.  Each end of the pole was attached to one side of armor plating that was being worn by two horses.  We were traveling down a rather ornately decorated hall, the curtains had golden trim and there were gems in the various stone and silver statues that lined it.  
I wasn't sure where I was going but I wasn't going quietly and I made sure these two knew it.  I tried talking again but it was no use, I still sounded like an animal and I still wasn't strong enough to thrash around to attempt any kind of feasible escape.  So I chose to audibly complain, hoping to elicit some kind of response and possibly figure out where the heck I was headed off to.



“Well, it sounds like our hairy cargo is starting to wake up.”  The more mature guard said, feigning excitement, “Better pick up the pace whiny.  You don't want it to be at full strength while you're carrying it.”
“We're almost there anyway.  Any idea what this Human is being inspected for?”
“Not really sure, a zoo perhaps?”
“But then why would we have it checked out here?  Why not just send it to the zoo officials and let their experts handle it?”
“Look, let's just get this thing to the review board and get back to our posts.  If we were meant to know more then we would've been told more.”  The older guard said, he sounded a little agitated at all of the questions.
“But all I want to know is-”  the younger voice was abruptly cut off.
“And if I hear one more question about the task at hand, then I'll delay your upcoming promotion exam for two months.  Is that clear?”  A rather awkward silence filled the air before the younger guard finally responded.
“Yes sir.”  He said in a defeated tone.  



I heard the sound of a door being unlocked and as I looked past the guard in front of me we entered a dimly lit room.  As they marched me in I started squinting, trying to get an idea of what this place was and why I was hearing moving chairs and hushed voices.  My eyes began to adjust to the low lighting and I could make out two more figures walking toward me and the guards, who still held the pole with me suspended off the ground.  
The figures that were fast approaching were two more horses decked out with helmets and armor as well, but what got me were the chains they were carrying in their mouths.  The pole I was on was slowly tilted up so that was sliding down feet first onto a concrete slab.  Looking down as I descended I could see metal rings embedded in the concrete, one on either side.  My feet hit the floor but my equilibrium was still out to lunch from the shot.



“Whoa there!” one of the guards exclaimed, “Would somepony help me hold this thing up while we secure it?”  Before I knew it I was being propped up by my back and chest by these wardens and chains were locked around my body.  A metal collar was snapped on my neck, my hands were bound together and a long chain that connected them to shackles on my ankles.  My head was pulled forward slightly and I heard two more loud metallic snaps as the grogginess finally dissipated completely, I was locked down to the slab and almost totally immobile.  I glanced down at my new restraints and realized that I wasn't going anywhere. 



“Animal locked down sir!”
“Good job stallions, let's open the curtains and shed some light on this beast.”  I heard hoof beats moving away from me in all directions, then the sound of curtains being drawn as the room lit up.  The light was intense for the first few seconds, like opening a window shade after a long nights sleep, I winced but quickly adjusted to the change in lighting.  



“Now that IS an impressive specimen,” I heard a voice exclaim, “her Royal Highness has really out done herself this time.”  Other voices soon chimed in with their opinions of me.
“Indeed, this is quite a unique creature.  Do you think Luna will be happy?”
“Happy?  I think she'll be at a loss for words.  She's been so obsessed with rare animals lately  that this one might just have her crying with joy.”  



I looked around the room and saw that I being stared at by yet more horses.  Some were pegasi, some were unicorns and others just looked like your standard four legged equines, but all of them had a clipboard and were taking notes.  I glanced to my left and right taking in more of the sights and sounds in the room when I saw what appeared to be a tattoo of a spear and shield on one of the hindquarters of a guard to my left.  I first thought that this was unique to that particular horse but as I scanned the room I quickly realized that every last one of these horses had some kind of picture on their backside.  Everything from feathered quills to mathematical equations were in the mix, some seemed to be consistent with that particular horse like the guard with a sword, but others didn't seem to have any correlation to the horse bearing it.  As the horses continued to observe me and scribble down notes the hushed tone was suddenly broken as a door opened to my right and every horse in the room jumped and bowed deeply.



“G-greetings Your Majesty.  Have you come to see the fruits of your experimental teleportation spell?”  one guard asked nervously.
“Just out of curiosity.”  A female voice said in a rather carefree tone.  “I wasn't really aiming the spell because it took too much energy to do that and cast it, so I'm not really sure what I hit.”
“Well based on what is chained up, I'd say your shot landed somewhere in the Dust to the east.”  I slowly turned my head towards the conversation and got a good look at who I assumed was the head honcho that everyone was bowing to.  The horse I saw was at least one foot taller than the guards, was pure white and had a sun making on it's hindquarters.  
“Is that a human?”  It said looking at me, totally perplexed.  


From the voice this was definitely a female horse.  She had a mane unlike anything I'd ever seen, it looked like some multi-hued gas cloud had attached itself to her head and her tail was the exact same.  As she approached it became quite apparent to me that she was something special and not to be trifled with.  She spread her wings, showing off what had to be a ten or twelve-foot wingspan easy, and her horn began to faintly glow.  Before I knew it my mouth was wide open and she was inspecting it going as far as to close one eye and getting almost point blank to my top row of teeth.  
“Is everything all right your Highness?”
“Everything is just fine Lieutenant.  I just assumed that this animal would have sharper teeth than that.  This is a human, correct?”
“That is correct your Highness, it is in fact a human or as the doctor calls it a homo sapien.”  He replied as the this princess continued to walk around, looking over every last inch of me.  “The world wildlife records show that the only place the creatures live outside of captivity is in the eastern region of The Dust.  This one,” the sound of papers being shuffled interrupted his briefing to their leader, “is a male, approximately twenty-five years of age and he's in pretty good health according to the preliminary examination.”  I looked at the guard to my right somewhat puzzled.  I smoked for seven years and had a horrible diet for five of those years, why they thought I was in good health was way beyond me.
“He seems to be reacting to what you are saying about him Lieutenant.”  My head quickly turned to the large white horse on my left as she responded.
“Well just like most animals they are drawn to most any sound they hear.  I doubt that looking to whomever is speaking is hardly worth taking note of.”  My head turned back to look at the guard as a collective gasp filled the room.  His face fell as he realized what he had just said.  “B-but that doesn't mean that-” the princess raised her leg and pointed her hoof in his direction, closing her eyes and turning her head.
“That is all Lieutenant, this human will do nicely.  I'm sure Luna will more than happy with him.  Take him down to the holding cell until the party tomorrow.”
“Yes your Highness.”  The guards replied in a hurried tone as they pushed me to the ground and prepared to carry me out of the room.  I looked over and saw the Lieutenant walking away with his head hung low.
“Oh, and Lieutenant Iron hooves,” the princess called out and the stallion stopped dead in his tracks, “when dealing with an exotic creature like this one, remember that everything is worth taking note of.”  He turned and bowed deeply.
“Yes Your Highness.”
The guards had flipped me over and were chaining my hands and feet around the pole to carry me away.  I was getting quite sick of this and began to snarl and growl at them trying to persuade them to let me go, but it was the princess that took notice instead.
“Did he just growl?”  she said sounding quite excited over my incredibly simplistic noises.  “These animals are supposed to be mute, how in Equestria did he just do that?”  Her horn began to glow again and several pieces of paper floated over to her.  After a few moments she got her answer and let the whole room know it.  “His vocal chords actually work?!  This is amazing!  Luna will be elated when she finds this out.  Make sure you take good care of him until tomorrow.”  The guards had finished attaching me to the pole and were on their out.
“Yes your Highness!”  The guards bellowed as they trotted me out of the room.  



I tried to break free as they moved me down another hall but the restraints held firm and the discomfort to my wrists and ankles were enough to get me to stop.  We reached the end of the long and well lit hall and headed down four huge flights of stairs.  As I went down the lighting changed significantly, from sunlight to torchlight, and there were no longer elegant statues with jewels or giant tapestries on the walls but dark, wet, musty smelling cobblestone.  
As we reached the bottom of the stairs the guards turned left and the narrow hall opened up to a slightly larger chamber that could only be described as a small dungeon, complete with old rusty shackles hanging on the left wall and more torches for lighting.  To my relief there were no old skeletons to go along with them, but there was a cage on the far wall that I assumed was for me.  



“Heads up, We've got a wild animal incoming.  Open that cage for us will you, I want to make this quick.”  The front guard said sounding rather relieved to finally get rid of me.  


The cage itself didn't match the room at all.  While the rest of the room looked hundreds of years old the metal cage looked like it was fresh out of the fabricators shop, the torchlight gleamed off the bars and when the front door of it opened there was no sound accompanying it.  The bars had to be at least two inches thick and made of wrought iron, this was clearly custom made to be escape proof.  
As the guards carrying me approached my new cell they turned around, put me on the floor and tipped me feet first onto the straw that filled the cage floor removing the pole as I descended.  Once I was standing upright in the cage they used the pole to push me further in and promptly slammed the door behind me, ensuring I wasn't making a break for it.



“Animal secured! All clear!?”  One guard bellowed, the other guards followed suit.
“All clear!”
“All clear on the stairs!”
“Back hall clear sir!”  The last guard yelled.  From the looks of all the security I assumed that I was to be kept secret from whoever this Luna was.  
“All right stallions let's make sure this thing has food and water for the night, somepony needs to alert the night watch to the shift changes at midnight and dawn.  I don't want any complaints or you're buying the next round at the pub tomorrow night.”  The other guards chuckled as they saluted.  



Moments later a bowl of food was slipped in between the bars and a giant water bottle was hung on the cage to my left.  And with that out of the way all of the guards went on their merry way, except for two who stood watch over me.  I decided to eat and go to sleep hoping that everything would be clearer in the morning, that I would be able to talk coherently again and maybe get some answers.  
The food in the bowl looked like dog chow, but I wasn't about to complain nor could I complain.  The fact that I felt like I hadn't eaten in two days also pushed off my usual picky eating habits as I shoveled in hand fulls of what was essentially a bowl of meat flavored cereal, minus the milk of course.  After the meal I immediately felt drowsy and couldn't keep my balance.



“Well looks like the tranquilizer finally kicked in.  That should keep it quiet for the night.”  one guard said happily.  I grabbed the bars of the cage trying to slowly lay down to avoid falling face first onto the floor and waking up with a major headache.  I lowered myself down to the hay and was out the moment I hit the ground.
> Party on Luna
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I woke up lying on my side, half of my face was buried in the straw on the floor of the cage, I assumed it morning but due to the lack of sunlight and windows it was anyone's guess.  I sat upright, face and beard covered in hay, in my usual groggy and ticked off mood that my wonderful slumber had been rudely interrupted by that annoying time we all know as consciousness.  My hearing was the next sense to boot up as I picked hay out of my beard and mouth.
        “Sounds like the animal is up and moving Sergeant.  Should I alert the other guards and help them prep it for the party?”  A nervous voice asked.  I looked up at the conversation, as my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, and saw two significantly different guards compared to the ones from my first visit.  
        The two Pegasus guards had swapped out for two Unicorns in the night and I couldn't help but giggle a little at one of them due to his pink mane and baby blue coat, and just like every other horse there he had a marking on his hindquarters.  His didn't look like it was war or battle related like most of them, instead he had a simple map and compass.  His face looked younger than most of the others, free from the years of stress that aged the rest of the guards I had seen, especially the other Unicorn guard that stood opposite from him in front of my cage.  
        This one looked like an aged rock star from the early seventies.  Bags under his eyes, wrinkles on his face and even a few battle scars on his gray coat, in short he looked like ten miles of bad road.  And yet he stood at his post with an air of confidence about him, as if he was ready for most anything that came his way.  His steely blue eyes looked straight forward and without hesitation he began to give the younger guard an earful for what seemed like a perfectly sensible question to me.
        

        “Gee I'm not really sure private.  Why don't we think back about six hours ago when this shift started,” he said, speaking slowly as if he was talking to a child, “you do remember that right?”
        “Yes sir.”  The private replied rather embarrassed.
        “Well then,” The older guard said calmly leaning ever closer to the pink maned stallion's face, “get your flank in gear and get the ball rolling!” A shout that was only comparable to a drill Sergeant for the Marines.  The private jumped to attention, saluted him and took off like a shot towards the stairs before the battle hardened looking stallion could devise some punishment for him.  “Dang newbie.”  The gray stallion muttered under his breath. “Needs everything explained twice before it sinks into that thick skull of his.”


        Moments later the younger guard returned with six more armored horses, a mid-sized round metal tub, a small assortment of brushes, scrubbing pads and a leash on a long metal pole.  I was mesmerized by the objects as they were floating into room surrounded by a faint glowing aura, it was similar to the one that their princess produced when she was inspecting me just a day ago.  But before I could even think about how this was possible, or what they brought it out for, the front door to the cage I was in was flung open, the leash was around my neck and I was being pulled out.


        “Okay big guy let's go!” the guard shouted at me.  “Come on, let's make this quick!” He said again sounding rather displeased with me.  “Get the bath going,” he said turning his head towards another guard, “I don't want to make a production out of this.”
        “Yes sir!” Two more guards shouted back in unison.


        I was promptly led over to the tub and just like the items brought into the room I was suddenly floating.  The tub slid under me and in a matter of seconds I was sitting in it being drenched with cold water and getting scrubbed down, I guess these horses weren't kidding when they said this was going to be quick.  Between the ice cold water and the dual brush assault this was the either quickest method to wake someone up or the quickest way to get a punch in the face, but luckily before the latter of the two outcomes came true the bath was over and I was getting buffed dry with a large towel.  The guards proceeded to look me over from head to toe, I guess they wanted to make sure they didn't miss anything in the rush.


        “Animal is cleaned and ready to go sir!” One stallion proclaimed after the inspection.
        “Great job stallions.” The Sergeant said, clearly satisfied with the speed and efficiency they got me clean.  “Now all that's left is to cover his, uh, nether regions,” he said hesitantly, “and we'll be good to bring him up to the party.”
        “Way ahead of you sir, wrap him up boys.”  Two more guards approached me with a large piece of cloth and a length of rope.  They wrapped the cloth around my waist and used the rope as a belt, it was ratty, had a few holes and had this odor about it.
        “Alright, he's clean and presentable.  Let's get him in the mobile cage and roll him out to the party.  Corporal, we're going to need your magic in case this gets out of hand.”  


        
        With the leash still around my neck the guards began to cautiously move me towards the much smaller cage that had been wheeled in and was now sitting near the exit.  From the moment I had woken up here I had been treated like some freak, some oddity and I was getting sick of it, so being at full strength and well aware of my surroundings I tried to make a break for it.  They walked me over to the smaller cage, pushing me forwards really, hoping to get me out to the party and be rid of me for the day.  About half way to the cage I made my move and bid for freedom between shoves from the guards by pushing back, sliding my hand under the collar to loosen it and slipping my head out.  As soon as I was loose I headed straight for the first door I saw, but it was the shortest run of my life.  I took no more than two steps and before I knew it I was floating in mid-air and moving back towards the small cage.



        “Didn't think it was quick!”  A voice exclaimed, “That was pretty impressive, eh Sergeant?”  I looked over towards the voice and saw a Unicorn standing there and it's horn was glowing, guess that answered my question about why objects were floating.  
        “Damn right he's quick, get him in the cage and padlock it.  I think this one might be a little too smart for his own good.”
        “Alright you animal, into the cage!”  the Unicorn grunted as I was shoved into the cage and it was quickly locked behind me.
        “Get the sheet and bow, we need this wrapped and looking festive for Princess Luna's party.”  Another voice said, there were now at least ten armored horses running around helping get me out the door and I had lost track of who was who.


        A sheet was tossed over the top of the cage and in no time at all I was on the move.  The ride was a little bumpy at first but soon smoothed out, I assumed that they were just jostling me around for the fun of since I couldn't see out of this mobile prison cell.  After a few minutes I could see daylight fighting it's way through the cover surrounding me, I stumbled back a bit while we suddenly began to travel uphill.  More light began to penetrate the sheet as the ride leveled out and I could make out the silhouette of the bow that was wrapped on the cage, but more importantly I began to hear what I assumed was the party scene all the guards were talking about.  It didn't sound like a typical party that I would throw or a big bash but more of a subdued, upper crust kind of social gathering.  Light classical music in the background as opposed to the party image in my head of kids running around causing a ruckus or loud blasting music and parents complaining.  
        As I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what might happen once that sheet came off my sense of smell seemed to kick into overdrive.  I must have been too groggy or ticked off at the guards to notice it before but it certainly had my attention now as a thousand and one scents assaulted my nose, all vying to be first to hit my olfactory nerve and be recognized.  I could smell at least twelve different perfumes, six different flowers, freshly cut grass and my favorite thing of all, pastries.  I began to get a little dizzy from the wall of smells that were hitting me all at once, but it soon passed and my hearing started to tune into the sounds around me, the most noticeable was the conversation the guards were having about presents.
        



        “I hope Princess Luna doesn't just forget about the giant teddy bear we got her after she sees her sister's gift for her.” A voice from my right uttered sounding concerned that their teddy might not stack up to this other gift.
        “Relax, I'm sure she's going to let everypony know that she loves what they got her and will not just toss it aside for the next big thing, she far too kind to do that.” Another voice said from my left, he sounded far more relaxed about the whole situation.
        “Look all I'm saying is that we might get a moment of amnesia about all her other gifts once she sees the pet she's getting.  You know her love of exotic animals and this thing is really going to send her into a tizzy.”
        “Well you do have a good point.  I mean most ponies have a pet like a fish, a cat or a dog but who else has a pet human?”  Those last two words echoed around inside my head as I brace myself for what life as a pet might entail.  I began to picture myself being led around on a leash for all to gawk and stare at like some freak on display.  Or maybe I would never be let out, trapped in a cage till the day I die just to be shown off on occasion to friends.  My hearing had completely tuned out all outside sounds as I retreated into my own head and tried to cope with this new reality that had been thrown at me.  
        


        “This has got to be some kind of nightmare,” I thought to myself, “some kind of unusual punishment for something I have done in the past.”  I began to get a little paranoid about the first stage of getting a new pet, the names.  “I swear if she calls me anything but a butch or a max I am going to lose it, no pookie or snuggle bunny or any cutesy names.”  I thought to myself, hoping to some how change the mind of whoever I was given to.  That idea seemed less absurd than normal since I was being moved around in a cage by talking horses and couldn't speak for myself.  
        The cage came to a sudden stop and I was snapped out of my mental cocoon of paranoia and brought back to the reality of the situation at hand.  With the music now at full volume and the lack of movement from the cage I could only assume that we had arrived at the much discussed party and I was about to meet my new owner, oh joy.  I wasn't happy with the situation but at least I wasn't being sliced open and experimented on like I originally feared, but becoming someone's pet was not the ideal scenario nor one I could have ever dreamed up in a million years.  The music died down as did the talking and the silence, though only lasting a minute or so, seemed to go on for an hour.  Due to the lack of vision outside of my cage the suspense started to get to me and I began to worry, however the silence was soon broken by a female voice.


        “Thank you for coming everypony, I hope you have enjoyed the soothing sounds of Octavia and her fellow classical musicians as well as the wonderful pastry spread donated by Mister and Misses Cake in Ponyville.”  A sound of general approval came afterwards, not applause exactly but light hoof beats and a positive tone in the voices listening were enough to convey that everything had gone over well so far.  “Now let us have the birthday mare grace us with her presence as we grace her with our presents.”  The audience chuckled a bit at the well thought out wordplay and the band began to play a classical rendition of 'Happy Birthday'.
        “Thank you all for coming out to my birthday celebration,” another female voice said in a rather regal and royal tone of voice, “and thank you Octavia for coming out to play on such short notice.  Now,” her voice sounded a little shaky, as if she was excited but trying to keep her composure, “where are those wonderful gifts you have all so painstakingly searched for, just for me?”  The other voice chuckled a bit at the seemingly rehearsed question.
        “Well first is one from the professors at the local University, they know about your love of the natural world and have gotten you,” the sound of wrapping paper being furiously ripped apart filled the air, “the most recent volume to the Equestrian nature encyclopedia.”  
        “Oh my goodness!” the younger voice exclaimed.  “I thought this wasn't to be released for at least a month.”
        “Well,” a slightly smug, older male voice replied, “there are certain advantages to being a professor in the one of the most prestigious Ivy League Universities in the kingdom.  Getting a book like this one a month in advance is just one of the many perks.”
        “Well I thank you for this wonderful gift of the most updated wisdom of our great, vast, and ever expanding natural world.  This is going right next to the other nineteen volumes above my desk, for nature identification emergencies.”  The male voiced laughed a little at the thought of having such an emergency.
        “Your personal tutor has gotten you a gift as well Luna, he is too sick to be here today but his assistant has been sent in his place.  Pages, the gift if you please.”
        “Yes your Majesty,” a young male voice replied, “there is a note that he wanted me to read to accompany the gift.”  He cleared his throat and began to read.  



        “Dear Princess Luna, it has come to my attention that the reason you are not as far along in your studies as your sister and I would like is the constant interruptions due to inferior studying paraphernalia.  Quills breaking and the lack of a constant supply paper being the largest obstructions.  So I present to you the last study station and set of supplies you will ever need to be prepared for my lessons.”  The sound of more paper being ripped apart filled my ears once again.  Once the paper had stopped ripping the young male voice continued with his long drawn out letter about the gift.  “It contains a large flat surface, large enough for both your book and paper while taking notes and copying chapters for homework.  A set of unbreakable quills for long lessons and an enchanted paper dispenser.  Simply cast the spell enclosed with it and never run out of paper ever again.  I do hope you enjoy it and use it for years to come, sincerely yours, Chapters.”  There was long and rather awkward silence after the letter reading.  Finally a female voice broke the silence and asked the question that everyone at the party, me included, were all pondering.
        


        “Well Luna, what do you think of your tutor's gift?  It will surely help you get more out of each study session with him.”  There was a long pause before I heard any response.
        “It is a wonderful gift Pages.  Tell Chapters I love it and I hope he gets well soon.”  She replied, sounding like she was just being nice to avoid hurting any feelings.
        “Thank you for the kind words Princess Luna.  I will pass on the message when I see him.”  It was the most audibly awkward and possibly shortest conversation I had heard in a long time.
        “Thank you very much Pages.  And now I do believe the guards have something for you Luna, something you have not seen in quite a while.  Bring out Luna's gift sirs.”
        “Yes your Majesty.”  A gruff male voice replied.  “We present our gift for Princess Luna, an item that she cherished as a child and was inseparable from.”  
        I heard a thump as if someone had dropped a pillow on the ground.  The reaction was almost instant, a high pitched squeal of excitement was all I could hear.
        “Oh my goodness!  Mister Sunggles!  Wherever did you find an exact replica this size of my favorite teddy bear?”
        “Well when you go around telling toy makers that it's Princess Luna's birthday strange and special things can happen.”  The raspy male voice replied with a chuckle.
        “He's exactly as I remember him.”
        “We heard you've been having trouble sleeping lately and we thought this might help you get some much needed shut eye.”
        “Oh it will Corporal, thank you so very much.”  From the tone in her voice I could tell she was deeply touched by the gift, it brought a small smile to my face and for a moment I had forgotten why I was sitting in this cage but I was soon reminded as the cage was set in motion once again.
        “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts, it means-”
        “But Luna, you still have one more gift to open,” the other female voice said, abruptly cutting her off, “and it's right under that sheet.  Why don't you see what your big sister got you.”  She said with a bit of arrogance in her voice.  


        I heard no response or any sounds of excitement and this had me a little worried.  I was in this strange world filled with talking horses and was treated as some anomaly, so her reaction to seeing me compared to the other seemingly simple gifts had me shaking a little bit.  I heard pacing around the outside of the cage, something kept brushing the sheet as if trying to guess what was underneath.  All of this tension was driving me nuts, I just wanted to get this over with so I began to groan a little to try and get her to look.  It didn't quite go as planned, but I did get a reaction to cut the tension.




        “Is there something alive under that?!  Sister what in name of Equestria is under that sheet?”  She sounded startled and not too happy with what she had been given and she hadn't even seen me yet, this rattled me.
        “Oh Luna, just lift the sheet and see for yourself.  I promise this isn't a birthday prank.”  The other voice reassured her, like this had been a practical joke that was pulled before.  The sheet flew off the cage, the sunlight poured in and my eyes adjusted.  I was staring at a huge garden party filled with horses of every color, both Unicorn and Pegasus and even regular ones, but right in the middle of my field of view was a royal blue one.  It had wings, a horn, and was adorned with jewelry from top to bottom.  It took me a few seconds to process the whole view and then I noticed the elaborate dress and realized that this was one of the two female voices I had been hearing.  As we stared at each other a smile started to grow across her face and soon turned into a full blown look of pure elation.
        


        “Oh my stars!  It's a real live human!  This is incredible Celestia, how in the world did you ever get one?  Is it from the zoo?  Did they donate one just for me?”  She started to teleport around to different side of my cage firing off questions about me faster than anyone could answer, but one sentence stopped her in her tracks.
        “He's to be your pet Luna.”  The dark blue horse's head whipped around.
        “He's, my, pet?”  She replied nearly stammering.  She looked back at me, the smile had gone from her face and her eyes were as wide as dinner plates.  I began to worry that she didn't like the idea, though not being a pet was okay with me, I was paranoid that they would simply dispose of me because I did not meet the approval of this particular horse.  Those fears were quickly tossed out as the smile returned to her face wider than ever and she began to shake with excitement.
        “That's right Luna.  Caring for this animal will help you learn time management and how to respond to sudden changes in your normal routine, both are invaluable skills that all politicians need to be successful.  Whether you are the ruler of all of Equestria or just the mayor of a town or city.”  The dark blue horse galloped toward her sister and nearly tackled her.
        “Oh thank you 'Tia!  This the best present anypony could ask for!  I'll take care of him night and day, week in and week out.  You will not be disappointed, I promise.”  She said putting a hoof to her chest and bowing her head.  I felt a small smile come across my face, I now know what it must have been like to be a puppy being given as a Christmas present to a little girl.  I don't remember the last time my mere presence had brought someone this much happiness.
        “Now for the all important question birthday mare, what are you going to call him?”  This was the moment that I had feared.  What ever she called me wasn't going to be my real name and I vowed to never embrace it, unless it was something totally awesome of course.


        
        “Red Beard,” Luna replied looking at me, “that is his name.  Do you like the name Red Beard?”  She asked looking at me like my seal of approval was required.  After a few moments of the awkward silence I smirked and then she smiled back.  “Oh how delightful!  He likes his new name.  Can he come out of the cage 'Tia?”  She asked her sister.
        “I don't see why not, but he must be on a lead to avoid complications.”  Celestia said looking at me.  A lead meant a leash and I was going to fight tooth and nail if and when they tried to put one on.  “This is a specially designed lead the zookeepers use when moving a human and it's rated for all strengths and sizes.”  She informed the party as she produced a black vest, well more like a jumpsuit without the pants or sleeves, with a long lead on the back.  I couldn't see any buttons or straps to open it up, which made me uncomfortable and a little confused as to how in the world are they going to put it on me.  The vest floated over to the cage with Luna right behind it and in a brilliant flash of light it seemed to disappear.  
        “A perfect fit.  That spell worked marvelously for a first try wouldn't you say?”  I was befuddled for a moment as to what she meant by that but upon closer inspection of my body I found that I was now wearing the vest.  In a moment of panic I tried to pull it off but as Luna had said it was a perfect fit, not enough wiggle room to slide out of it or even pull my arms inside.  After a short and pointless struggle to escape my new leash I sighed and accepted that this was now a reality.  The cage door opened and Luna beckoned me to come out.



        “Come now Red Beard, time to meet the rest of the party.”  Her voice was calm, trying to convince me that this was no big deal but I was not having it.  I remained in the cage silently defying her command to come when she called.  The guests at the party chuckled a little at the lack of obedience on my part.  “Come on now Red Beard, nopony is going to hurt you.  Just come on out and you will see.”  She tried again, her calm voice replaced by slight irritation from my disobedience.  “I'll pick you up out of that cage and drag you out here, I mean it.”  She sounded quite serious and based on the objects I had seen floating around since I had woken up here, and my own flight experience, I decided not be the next airborne item on the list.  I hesitantly exited the cage, weary of the many pairs of eyes watching me and reacting to my every step, breath and turn of my head.  The eyes were locked onto me, filled with a mixture of wonder and fear as if I was going to either perform miracles or go on a rampage and turn the place upside down.  The awkward stares were starting to get to me so I made an executive decision to break the silence myself with a deep, throaty and slightly depressed moan.



        “Oh my goodness, did he just make a sound?”  Luna's eyes widened as she turned and looked at me.  “Humans are completely mute, how in the world did he do that?”  
        “He has working vocal chords according to the vet's examination.  He is the only human to survive to maturity and have them.”  Celestia replied.  
        “Well then, let us go for a stroll around the party and let everypony get a look at my new talkative little human.”  Luna cooed at me.  After leaving the cage I realized that the comment about me being little was quite appropriate.  She was easily six and a half feet tall and her folded up wings trailed at least two feet back to her hindquarters and her sister was even taller, it was clear that these two were not to be trifled with.  Luna gave a strong tug on the lead and motioned me to followed, the tug was quite the attention grabber as I stumbled a bit before regaining my balance and reluctantly followed her.  



        As we walked I saw that she not only towered over me but most of the guests as well, the females for the most part and some of the males as well.  The only ones that seemed to rival her height were the guards surrounding the party and they were only a few inches shy of her.  The show and tell continued and things were still a bit awkward for me, the guests asking if I carried any diseases or if the color of their outfits would upset me, like a bull charging at a red cape.  After about an hour of this the graceless questions stopped, but my presence still had many of them on edge and keeping their distance.  As we walked around Luna made sure I was fed and had plenty of water, guess the comments about me possibly eating the party guests if I got too hungry had her a little paranoid.  As awkward as this was the guests at the party weren't all that bad, they were just a little ignorant of what a human was and what we were capable of.  Just as I thought that it was smooth sailing from here on out a horrid, pungent and stomach turning smell hit me, it smelled like someone had poured eight or nine different perfumes and colognes into a bathtub with a skunk and had let it sit for a day.  The odor had a second and rather unexpected effect on me, it made me angry.  I couldn't understand why but it was just infuriating to me, so I covered my nose and mouth hoping to block it out but the smell had already got me riled up and I started to snarl and hiss.
        “What's gotten into you Red Beard?”  Luna asked me.  I looked at her still pinching my nose to try and stop the smell.  She raised her nose to the air and took a whiff.  “Oh, that is why.  You-know-who is about to arrive and from the smell of things he is wearing another concoction of his.”  She said in a rather unenthusiastic tone.  “Why does he insist on doing that?”  
        “Honestly Luna, I am at a loss for answers as to why he does anything he does.”  Celestia replied rolling her eyes.  
        “Does he have to be here?  He will only upset Red Beard and I.”
        “Now Luna, he may be ungrateful, arrogant, self-centered, pompous and ill mannered,” she stopped for a moment as if to think if there was anything else mean she could say about whoever I could smell from a mile away, “but he is family.  And as much as I would love to ban him from gatherings like this, I cannot.  So simply ignore his comments and he will leave as quickly as he came.”
        “Very well sister,” she said with a sigh as she turned to face me, “but what if Red Beard lashes out at him?  He will surely make that known and use it to further his own image and destroy mine.”  
        “Don't worry.  As long as the Human does not physically harm him then nothing will tarnish your reputation,” she said confidently, “my word will always trump his.”



        The smell got stronger and before long I saw the horse that Luna and Celestia were talking about and the source of the horrid stench that now filled the air.  What I had gathered from the conversation was that this was 'him' and from what I could see he seemed to be just another guest, well aside from the smell.  He had a blonde mane and tail that looked like a Hollywood stylist had just gotten done with it and his coat was so clean it was almost unreal.  His horn and hooves gleamed in the sunlight as he approached me and Luna, his nose slightly in the air like he was some kind of big shot around here, paying no attention to anything at the party including the other guests.  His facial expression was one of dissatisfaction, like showing up to this party was a chore that he just didn't want to do.  He turned and inspected the dessert spread before levitating one up to his mouth, smelling it and then putting it back because it apparently didn't meet his standards, I was beginning to see why Luna and Celestia were not too happy he had arrived.  He was about my height, just under six feet to be exact, so I stood up as straight as I could trying to look as intimidating as possible, not sure why but the rational part of my brain seemed to be out on break at the moment and the primitive portion got a promotion.  As he got closer he lowered his nose and made eye contact with me, the first few seconds he saw me gritting my teeth at him, unable to maintain my composure as I growled with every step he took towards me.  
        


        “What in the name of all things sacred is that?!”  the stallion finally yelled after staring at me for what seemed like minutes.  “I-Is that a Human standing next to Luna?!”  He stammered, frightened by the sight of me.
        “Yes it is nephew”, Celestia replied almost exacerbated like she had been through this kind of drama before and had grown tired of it.
        “Why in the world is that horrid thing standing before me?! It should be dragged out back and put down immediately.  It is a danger to the guests and more importantly a danger to me!”  He looked disgusted to see me and he sounded like he meant every word.  I was absolutely livid at this point, but not so much from his smug attitude or his wish to see me dead but more so from the smell he was still putting off.
        “We will do no such thing Blueblood!”  Luna said as she stepped between me and this Blueblood jerk.  “This is my new pet and no harm will come to him as long as I am his owner.  Now I thank you for managing to find time in your absurdly busy schedule to attend my birthday celebration but I do believe you have worn out your welcome.”  She said while shooting him a dirty look.
        “But Luna I have just arrived, how is it that I have already overstayed my welcome?  You're not just trying to get rid of me are you?”  I could see Luna biting her tongue, desperately trying to come up with a good reason for him to leave.  “Because if you are then I am sure the other guests would be just shocked at one of the royal pony sisters being so rude to a member of their own family.  Just imagine the headlines Luna.”  He said with a smug, self satisfied grin on his face.
        “Why of course not Blueblood, where ever did you get that ridiculous idea.”  She chuckled, all while putting on the best fake smile I've seen in years.  “You said it yourself, he's dangerous.  Not to the whole party like you had previously stated but at the moment he is a threat, well to you at the very least.”  She said as if she was prepared to unleash me and let me take him down.  “You see ever since you showed up and he picked up on your, well let's say scent, he has been on edge and very aggressive.”  She smiled at him.
        “Well I do suppose I should leave, many ponies to see,” his voice got quite shaky as I let out another low guttural growl, “and many more important things to attend to.  Well aunt Celestia this is quite the wonderful shindig you have put together for her birthday but I must be going.”  He proceeded to almost trip over his own feet trying to make a hasty but classy exit.  The further away he was the less angry I was and Luna could not be happier.
        “Well thank goodness he's finally gone, I was afraid I was actually going to have to let Redbeard loose to make my point.”  She sounded quite relieved to be done with him.  



        As the daylight began to fade and the guests began file out of the garden there was still one more thing that went along with me.  
        “Well Luna, it's time to see where your new pet will be staying while in your care.”  Celestia said with almost an excited tone.  This made me happy to know there was more than just one of these horses was happy about my arrival.  I was led into a ball room right next to the garden, Luna still keeping me on a short leash and a guard on either side of me.  I guess my little display of aggression at the party had been taken note of and precautions were being put in place.  After walking through the ball room, that I swear was at least half the length of a football field, we came to a grand set of stairs.  The size was grand but it looked like there was about a thousand steps to get down, all this walking got me thinking they thought I might be a little too big for my own good and were slowly introducing to a daily workout regimen.  After the four hundred something steps we took a rather abrupt left turn and headed down a mile long hallway that you could drive a semi truck through and not worry about clearance.  The ceiling had to be twenty feet high and it was two lanes wide, you could have drag races in this place.   it was so big and as many horses as there were milling about in place it felt like a ghost town.  The guards also were plentiful as I saw one every fifty feet or so, the ones patrolling the hall seemed to be in better shape than the others, like they were scary fit horses.  
        After walking, no make that hiking, for almost forty-five minutes we finally came to a stop in front of a rather lavishly decorated door with gold trim and jewels in the door knob, I could only assume that this was Luna's room I was about to enter.  Her horn began to glow and the doors slowly opened up to reveal her room and I should have seen it coming but I was still flabbergasted at that sight.  The darn room was as tall as the hall and about as wide as the grand ballroom, it made her look a lot smaller by comparison.  But the one thing in the room that caught us both by surprise was the giant split level cage in the back next to the window.



        “Ta da!”  Celestia sang as we stood there, Luna smiling with joy and me with a dumbfounded look on my face.  “One custom built living cage for your new pet.  It comes with all the accessories you would need to care for him and keep him happy and healthy.  Let's get him inside and let him get acquainted with his new surroundings.”  And without missing a beat Luna tugged on my leash to follow her.  
        “Come along Red Beard, come and see your new home.”  She said eyes wide and smiling, so I slowly approached the cage.  



        The door was opened for me and I got the full view of what I was in for, a pet's life.  Luna began to gently nudge me into the cage while closing the door at the same time, trying to hint at how I was taking my time.  This was a full on giant hamster cage complete with a hanging water bottle, a running wheel in the back, straw on the floor and a litter box in the corner.  I began to think I was going to sleep on the floor like most animals until, to my relief, I spotted a giant pet bed at the opposite end from the litter box.  The cage itself was ten or twelve feet high and fifteen feet across both ways, this thing was bigger than most of the rooms at my old house.  I began to climb the ramp to the second floor and found monkey bars and a food dish, this was turning into some kind of twisted dream or nightmare.  As I was investigating the cage the front door slammed shut and the reality of this situation finally set in, I was the new and exotic pet of a pony princess.  I fell back on my butt as it hit me and realized that I was stuck here for the time being, the only thing to do now was to watch Luna sort out her presents from the party.  I climbed the side of the cage to get back down, watching her all the while.  She had propped her giant teddy bear upon her bed, her stationery set was over on her desk and the encyclopedia to complete her set was sitting at the end of her bookshelf.  But despite all the care she seemed to be taking to set these things in their proper place she made it quite obvious that I was her favorite gift of all.  As soon as she was done she came right over and just watched me as I fluffed up my pet bed and curled up in it.  She came right over to the corner and gave me a gentle pat on the head.
        “Goodnight Red Beard, sweet dreams.” She said as I yawned and drifted off to sleep.

> Ad-dress-ing Issues
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	 I woke up the next morning to the sound of a can opener of all things, I was quite excited to hear it as my stomach rumbled and my thoughts turned to what was in the can, I was really hoping for some ham.  I immediately jumped up from my bed and hurried over to the front of the cage to see Luna with an open can and my food bowl floating in front of her.
“Well good morning Red Beard.  I thought this might get you up off your lazy butt, so is my little human hungry?”  She said cooing at me.  I was drooling at the mere sight of the food, the smell was wafting over and the first thing that came to mind was chicken and rice.  “No ham but a great smelling substitute.”  I thought.  “I’ll take the slobber as a resounding yes to that question.  Well ask and ye shall receive little guy.”  She focused on the bowl and in a bright flash it disappeared, I began to whimper and whine as I thought that the food had simply vanished.  I looked around frantically for it and began to get a bit frustrated when it wasn’t in sight.  “Oh calm down Red Beard,” Luna said, “it’s right here.”  I had no clue as to where ‘here’ was and was getting even more aggravated, Luna let out a disappointed sigh as she shook something in my cage.  I finally looked up to where the sound was coming from and saw the food bowl shaking, I felt stupid almost instantly.  I began to climb the cage to get to food trying to act like I had known that it was there the whole time, Luna was giggling at my monkey act.  “Once you’re finished with your food Red Beard I have some big plans for today.”  This had me a little worried.  I began to wonder what these big plans were and worried that this mean a trip to for shots or worse, a neutering.  My mind dwelled on these scenarios for about thirty seconds and then I remembered that I was hungry and there was food just a few inches in front of me, I began to eat as Luna unveiled her big plans for the day.



“So I have made the executive decision that you require more to wear than just the rag you were presented in.  So I think we should go for a royal shopping trip into Canterlot proper and see if we get you an outfit.  I fear that the smell coming off of that piece of cloth will attach to you permanently if you continue to wear it.”  I stopped eating for a moment when I realized that she wanted to take me clothes shopping.  I thought back to my first girlfriend I had in high school and how I contemplated suicide when ever she dragged me to the mall to go shopping.  I contemplated feigning sick to avoid this fate but Luna had a good point, this rag I was wearing did stink and I was in dire need of something fresh.  I finished my food as the dark blue mare began to pack a bag with what I only assumed was supplies to keep me fed and happy while we were out.  She went over her mental checklist out loud while checking the bag one last time, “Let’s see, snacks, check.  Snacks for me,” she said chuckling a little, “check.  Tweezers for tick removal, check.  Bags for his," she shuddered a bit, "leavings, check.  Well all seems to be in order, now to get you on your leash and head into town." 



I  had climbed down from my eating perch and was begging to drink from the water bottle hanging on the inside of the cage when another bright flash of light got me to jump back.  I was startled and a bit confused as to what had just happened until I looked down and saw that familiar black vest on my person, the same one she had put on me at the party.  The door to the cage opened up and Luna stuck her head in and began to call for me.  
“Come now Red Beard, we have a lot to do and the sooner we get to it the better.”  But I wasn’t completely comfortable with leaving the cage yet.  I was still a little groggy and went back to my bed to try and lay down, perhaps to delay the trip and avoid any public humiliation that might ensue, but Luna wasn’t having it.  “Oh no you don’t Red, you’re coming out now.  Don’t make me pull you out of there.”  She began to threaten.  I looked up and saw her horn glowing and from the look on her face I could tell that she meant business, I decided it was a better option just to walk out on my own.  “That’s better, now we’ll try some basic commands so hopefully we won’t make a fool of ourselves in public.”  She said nudging me lightly.  I was already unhappy with the whole being led around aspect but it sounded like she wanted me to start doing tricks.  A bag of treats floated over to her, she removed one and then turned her attention on me.  
 “Now sit Red Beard,”  she said sternly but I wasn’t moving.  “Come on Red, sit and get a treat.”  I continued to glare at her, this felt so insulting.  I was a grown, intelligent and rational man being told to obey a dog’s sit command for a treat.  “I guess you don’t quite understand.  Very well, I suppose a demonstration is in order.”  I smirked as I thought of her showing me how to do it and then pretending to eat a pet treat, boy was I wrong.  She focused on me, lifting me up and positioning my lower legs under my upper legs in a kneeling pose.  Then she slowly put me back down and pushed me down until my butt was on my heels.  “That is sit Red Beard, understand?” After several more attempts to get me to obey I decided to go along with being told to sit, as well as heel and stay.  Luna promptly tugged on my leash and we headed for the door, my field trip into town had officially begun.  
        As we left her room and walked towards the main entrance I began to make note of what turns we made and my surroundings, planning my escape was still my top priority.  We passed a banquet hall that was being decked out, by the looks of it they were planning to throw some epic shindig.  While heading for the exit I saw Luna getting rather cautious about the guards walking the halls, she seemed to avoid them at all costs and would motion me to hurry at points to avoid being spotted and would stop when they were getting close, it felt like a stealth game and I was getting rather into it.  We had the main exit in our sights and it looked completely unguarded to my surprise.
        “Perfect.”  Luna quietly uttered with a smile.  “The shift change has just occurred and we have a whole thirty seconds to get out that door without attracting any attention.”  Now I realized why she was dodging the guards this whole time, being royalty meant being watched every moment of every day and she must be tired of it.  Sneaking out meant no escort from the guards and more freedom, even though she could probably just tell them off if they tried to stop her.  With the door just a few feet in front of us the smile on her face grew larger.  Her horn began to glow as did the door and just as I thought the game of cat and mouse had helped her evade every guard in the place a deep male voice spoke to our left.
        “Good morning Princess Luna.  Do you require an escort into town?”  She stopped dead in her tracks and I nearly fell backwards as the lead went taught.  She was standing on my left blocking my view of the stallion addressing her.
        “I don’t think that will be necessary sir, and besides I would hate to bore you on a shopping trip for my little human here.”  She said in a humdrum tone trying to dissuade him from following her.  She stepped backward to reveal me, this got the guard to change his tone in a hurry.
        “Well,” he said hesitantly, “as per protocol, when any member of the royal family leaves the castle grounds an escort is required.  Please wait here and I will assign an available guard to accompany you into town.”  The guard said before turning tail and nearly galloping away from us.  So there we waited as guard after guard trotted out, saw me and then made up some lame excuse as to why they couldn’t be the one to escort Luna on her shopping venture.  There must have been eight or ten guards that passed up the task, their fear was obvious.  I was a dangerous animal and they didn’t want to get mauled or eaten while walking around town, this really got me down, to be feared by almost every inhabitant in the castle.  
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting I heard what sounded like shoes being dragged across the marble floor and gruff voices giving someone a tongue lashing.
        “Quit whining newbie.  You’re the only guard here without an assignment and this task comes right from Princess Luna herself.”  I looked up and saw a familiar face, it was the pink maned unicorn that was standing by the cage I woke up in the previous day.  He was visibly shaken, sweating and trying his hardest not to run from the assignment standing in front of him.  
        “G-g-greetings Princess Luna.”  He said still trying to stay composed.  “I understand,” he swallowed hard as he made eye contact with me, “that you are in need of an escort into town, is that correct?”  I could see in his eyes he was hoping for a ‘no’ to his question and be allowed to leave.  
        “Well I suppose.  We do have to follow protocol after all, and if my sister saw me without a chaperone then there would be several guards standing at the unemployment office.”  Luna replied, sounding almost sorry for the stallion who was obviously forced into this predicament.  “So yes True North, I do require a guard escort.  Do you accept the task?”  She was looking at him as if to say ‘I won’t be mad if you say no’ but to her surprise he simply nodded, donned his helmet and slowly approached us.  “He doesn’t bite, does he?”  
        “Not sure yet,” Luna replied gazing off into the distance, “I’ve only had him for a day so I guess time will tell.”  True North’s jaw dropped opened.  “I’m joking!  He is quite tame so your safety should not be in jeopardy.”  She quickly reassured him as we left the castle and headed for the city.
____________________________________________________________________________

The chariot ride in was quite short and seemed pretty unnecessary, the guards had to triple check the ride and then there was all the pomp of her leaving for the city and arriving, we could have walked and gotten there in less time.  Luna didn’t seem to notice any of this, I guess she was just so used to it by now that it was all just white noise she could tune out.  
“Thank you sirs.”  She said as the guards bowed to her.  “You may be here for quite some time so-”  One of the guards raised his hoof and interrupted her.
“There is no need to apologize Your Highness, we are no strangers to long waits.  So take all the time you need and rest assured that we will be here with the chariot upon your return.”  Luna looked surprised, or more so confused by the guard’s statement.  I didn’t understand why, it was straight forward and loyal.  Why wasn’t she pleased about her guards patiently waiting for her to return?
“That isn’t what I was going to tell you,” she replied hesitantly, the guard’s face fell.  He thought he was in deep trouble by interrupting Luna, second guessing her and unintentionally insulting her.  I was waiting for the lashings to be doled out, but we were both shocked as she continued her sentence, “although I do appreciate the gesture of loyalty.  I was going to tell you that you can relax and even do a little shopping of your own if you feel so inclined.”  The guard breathed a sigh of relief.
“Well thank you Princess Luna but your sister would have our heads if we left our our posts.”  The other guard said like he was scared of the unemployment line.
“Very well then,”  Luna replied, “have it your way.  I will return in a few hours.”  She tugged on the lead and I followed.



The city was really impressive to me.  Guess I thought that horses could never build a sprawling metropolis like Boston let alone maintain it.  Everything looked freshly painted, there didn’t appear to be scaffolding left on the buildings, even the street we were walking on was in great shape.  There didn’t appear to be a single thing that wasn’t taken care of and there were no half hearted jobs on display to shame the architects.  All in all it looked too perfect to be a real city and the inhabitants weren’t making it any more believeable.  Every single one of them appeared prosperous and happy as they went about their lives, but then they began to notice me and Luna.  They looked conflicted, not sure whether to bow out of respect for their princess or recoil in fear from the sight of me as we walked through the city streets.  The young ones were pulled back by their parents, what I assumed was the local law enforcement looked apprehensive and the dirty looks they shot at me were unnerving.  I did my best to avoid eye contact with them and keep my cool, slowly inching closer to Luna in the hopes that this would keep them from harassing me.  
“Not so close Red Beard,” Luna said to me, “you’re getting under hoof.  You don’t want me to step on your feet now do you?”  Still glancing at the horses staring at me I pulled back a bit from the dark blue mare as we made our way to what I assumed was our destination.  



The building we were coming up on was ornately decorated, with every last inch covered by paintings of dresses and suits, the window displays were filled with horse mannequins wearing elaborate outfits clearly meant for events that were far above the status of formal.  
“Here we are.  The finest dressmaker and tailor in the city, Hoity Toity.”  She said with a smile on her face.  We walked in and I was instantly taken back by the size of the interior of the shop.  It was comparable to a small department store, mannequins lined either side with clothing racks front to back filled with every kind of outfit for almost any occasion.  As we approached the desk, Luna stayed in front of me blocking my view.  She rang a small bell and in no time at all a stuffy, almost snobby voice replied in a huff.
“I’m coming!  Keep your horseshoes on.”  The sound of hoof beats stamping echoed throughout the shop accompanied by a voice angrily muttering to himself.  As the stomping got louder the muttering became clearer.  “All I want is to finish this outfit and nopony will give me a moment’s pea-,” the voice cut off but with Luna standing in the way the origin of the voice was a mystery to me.  “Princess Luna!  What an honor for you to visit my shop.  I must apologize, I’ve been under a tight deadline and haven’t had a chance to clean up my boutique.  What has brought you here today?  Some alterations for a dress of yours?  Perhaps a whole new outfit?”  The man’s voice sounded absolutely elated that she had stopped by.
“Not exactly.  I was given a new and exotic pet for my birthday and-” the male voice interrupted her. 
“Oh my!  I am sorry I couldn’t make it to the celebration yesterday, well happy belated birthday Your Highness.”  He sounded thoroughly disappointed, almost crushed that he had missed her party, almost.
“Well thank you Hoity Toity,” Luna replied, “but as I was saying I am here to get an outfit for my new and exotic pet.  I was hoping that you could fit this in between orders, is that possible?”
“Of course it’s possible Princess.  Anything for a member of the royal family of Canterlot.”  He said confidently.  “Now where is this pet of yours?  I will need a few measurements.”
Luna stepped aside and I finally got to see who she was talking to.  It was a light gray stallion with a white mane and tail that looked like he spent hours each morning working on.  He had what looked like a paper fan on his flank.  I made eye contact with him and his jaw dropped open as he began to tremble and sweat.



“What in the name of all things sacred is that thing doing out of a cage?!  A human is supposed to be in two places; a cage or stuffed and on display!  Is this some kind of joke Princess?”  Yet another horse that hated the very sight of me.  I was getting tired of this and began to growl.  “He’s growling, he’s going to attack me.  Oh god, I’m going to mauled to death in my own shop by this horrible, ugly-”
“Hoity Toity!  Watch your tone!”  Luna shouted.  “He simply doesn’t like how you are speaking.  He thinks you mean to challenge him.  Now to have a human as a pet is quite out of the ordinary but that doesn’t mean that you should abandon your senses at the very sight of-”
“Abandon my senses?”  The other horse intervened.  “It seems to me that the thousand year coma your were in has made you lose yours.  You’ve clearly lost your mind!  having this beast as a pet will be your downfall, think of what the other kingdoms will say about you.”  That hit Luna hard.  She put her foreleg around my shoulder and pulled me close to her.  
“How dare you!  To refuse my request is one thing but to insult my cognitive faculties and assume you know what occurred that night!”  I looked up and saw her fighting back tears.  “If I could I would have you locked up for the rest of your natural life!  I will take my business elsewhere, permanently.”  She gave him what can only be described as a ‘thousand yard’ stare.  “And for your information my Red Beard is unlike any other human.  He’s tame, sweet and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in all of Equestria.”  Without missing a beat she turned me around and pushed me towards the door as we made our exit.  In that moment all thoughts of escaping this situation left my mind.  This mare had made it clear that I was more that just a pet and my life here became far more bearable, well compared to what I had experienced so far in this world.
“Well good luck finding somepony to take your absurd order Princess.  There isn’t a single tailor or dressmaker in this whole city that will help you!”  Hoity Toity shouted in a confident tone as the door closed behind us.
“Is everything alright Your Highness?”  True North asked in a near panicked state as we made our way back outside.  “I heard shouting and something about an insult.”  Luna took a deep breath to calm herself before answering.
“Everything is fine sir.  Nothing more than poor manners from a shopkeeper that I am no longer going to associate with.  We will simply try another shop and prove that stallion wrong, there must be somepony who will take this order.”  But tried as we might every shop gave similar reactions ranging from full blown freakouts to passive aggressive insults to lame excuses as to why the order could be filled there and they all demanded that I be either locked up or put down.  



After what seemed like hours of trying, Luna brought me to the park at the center of the city for lunch.  She sat on the bench and tied my lead to it looking downtrodden by the shopping experience so far.
“Oh what am I going to do Red Beard?  Hoity Toity was right, there isn’t a single shop that will help me.”  She looked at me like she was at the end of her rope.  “I don’t suppose you have any ideas.”  She said petting my head as she opened up her saddlebag and unwrapped the lunches she had prepared; one hand crafted, gourmet sandwich for her and a simple can of food for me.  She continued to fret over the clothing situation as we ate.  “There must be somepony who will help me.  Somepony with a great sense of style and who isn’t so judgemental,”  She said deep in thought, “and who won’t insult me or you.”  We sat and ate as Luna weighed her options.  “Maybe I could get one from Manehatten, but I would have to still get the measurements to them,” she let out a sigh, “and then the order might takes weeks to ship.  Oh Red, I wish there was somepony, anypony, who will fill this order without complaining.  Somepony who is kind, intelligent, generous-” her eyes became as wide as dinner plates, she packed up the rest of her sandwich and took my now empty food bowl as well.  “Come now Red Beard, I know exactly where to get you an outfit!”  
______________________________________________________________________________


        

After yet another short and still seemingly pointless ride we returned to the castle entrance, but I was still in the dark as to why.  We had tried every shop in the city and I couldn’t imagine that after the reception we got anyone would care to help her.  When we entered the guards were in full armor and seemed to be on high alert, silently standing at their posts and for once not acknowledging me.  We made our way past the guards and further down the halls but still no hints from Luna as to why we came back or where she was planning to take me next.  After a bit of a hike through the long and winding corridors we came to an intersection, not like the other fifteen or twenty that we have walked through before.  The archways were plated in gold encrusted with jewels, there were giant stained glass windows with elegant designs of horses and all of this opulent architecture was pointing towards a giant set of stairs with golden doors at the top.  
“Now don’t you worry Red I’ll be right back after I have procured a ride for us.”  She said to me.  As she began to walk away I decided to wander around a bit, I took four steps and was brought to a halt by the vest.  I pulled against it a few times thinking the leash had snagged on something, boy was I right.  I turned around to see the source of the snag and the lead had been fused into the wall behind me.  I stared at it dumbfounded as I walked over to get a closer look hoping to figure this out.  I grabbed the leash and gave it a tug, this thing was in there good and it wasn’t going to budge unless you had a team of horses.  After a minute or so of fooling around with the whole fused lead and failing to figure out how it got into the wall I heard a couple of the guards chuckling at me from across the hall.
“Hey look.  It can’t figure out why the leash is stuck in the wall.”  One guard mused pointing at me while the other continued to laugh.  Their laughter was immediately cut short by muffled shouts.  The voices became clearer as the huge golden doors at the top of the stairs they were posted at swung open.  




“This is absolutely unacceptable!” A male voice bellowed.  “How in the world can you say no to my requests?!” The source of the one sided argument could now be seen plain as day.  Princess Celestia walked out with a large Elk hot on her heels.  It may have been the distance but looked almost as tall as the Princess and looked quite angry with her, brow furrowed as if he was ready to bite someone’s head off, literally.  Celestia took a deep breath as they descended the stairs waiting for another barrage of his verbal battering ram that could loosely be call a voice.  “Well?!”  He said looking for a response.
“I am sorry Lord Rackton,” she replied feining pity, “but I have given your kingdom as much as one can without running my own resources dry in the process.”  This really got the elk riled up.  “If I continued to send aid then I would be in a similar predicament, the rescuer would need to be saved.”  She calmly explained trying to hide her contempt for his attitude, but this Elk was determined to get what he wanted.
“Our food shortage has crippled our economy and that is only the beginning.  The dragons have moved in and the terrorize us nightly, they destroy our homes, destroy our farms and you are simply going to stand there and let this happen?”  He was gritting his teeth at this point, seeming more annoyed than concerned that she wouldn’t help him.  “So Princess Celestia I ask you; what are you going to do about it?”  He inquired as they reached the bottom step.  “Well?!”  He said demandingly.  I watched Celestia grow more and more agitated from listening to this guy poking and prodding looking for a response, and she delivered it.  
“I sir,” she said stomping her hoof, coming to an abrupt stop, “am not required to do anything about it.  The exotic animal trainers I sent six months ago should have been more than enough to dislodge the dragons from your populated areas.”  She said, slowly turning around giving him a ‘thousand yard’ stare, must run in the family.  “And if you had followed the crop rotation plan our agricultural  team had set for you a year ago then your food shortage would not be an issue today.  All of these services, and more,” she said, her voice rising in pitch ever so slightly, “have been provided to your kingdom free of charge.”  The Elk took a step back, rolling his eyes.
“That is beside the point Princess.  What is important here is-” Celestia stamped her hoof cutting him off.
“That is the point!”  She bellowed, the hall nearly shook along with the guards.  “We have done everything to help you help your kingdom and yet there has been no change.  You are at fault here and you alone are responsible for you kingdom’s welfare, not me.”  She said with another stomp of her hoof.  Rackton took one more step back, glaring angrily at Celestia.
“Very well then,” he said through his teeth, “but I warn you Celestia, this moment will not soon be forgotten.”  He turned toward the exit and was about ready to leave, but before he made his way out he turned his head back to the princess.  “This Insult will have consequences.”  He warned, what a charmer.  The sound of closing doors was soon followed by a sigh of relief from Celestia. 
“Every time.”  She said sounding exhausted.  “Every single time.  I swear he’s just using us to further his own excessive, opulent lifestyle.”  She lowered her head and made her way back to the stairs.  As the guards filed out of the hall I could hear trotting echoing off the walls and turned to see Luna looking excited as ever to see me.
“I have arranged a ride for us Red Beard.”  Her voice trailed off as she looked toward her sister.  “Whatever is the matter Celestia?”
“Lord Rackton, that is all I need to say.”  She said closing her eyes and slowly shaking her head.  “He was much worse this time.”  Luna looked like she was on the verge of crying at her sister’s woeful response.  “Oh but don’t worry Luna.  I’m sure this was just another one of his pompous, chest puffing trips to try and show that he wants to be taken seriously.  I’ll just file it away as a bad attitude, now go on.  Word is that you’re taking Red Beard shopping for some clothes.”  This changed Luna’s demeanor instantly.
“Why yes I am.  We had no luck in Canterlot proper so I’m taking him to Ponyville to try again.  Maybe Rarity can help, she does owe me a favor and I suppose this is as good a time as any to take her up on it.”  She said smiling at me.  This place was getting weirder by the second as the horse and pony puns stacked up.  I was lost in thought for a moment about the town names until I felt a tug and was snapped back to reality.  




We walked down another seemingly endless hall, passed by more rooms and doors than I could keep track of and turned more corners than driving through Manhattan.  After the long and winding hike our destination came into view, more proof to me that this place had everything, it was a mini runway.  A stone platform that looked like the size of a football field was littered with gold plated chariots, painted lines to direct traffic and even two unicorns who looked like they were guiding incoming pegasi for a landing.  We made our way over to a booth on the right with a pegasus sitting in it going over a clipboard with a stack of papers two feet high next to him.
“Good afternoon Lieutenant.  I am ready for departure.”  Luna said excitedly.  Without missing a beat the Lieutenant walked over to a large bell, turned around and kicked it with his hind legs.  Seconds later two more pegasi trotted up with a elegantly covered chariot, silk drapes for privacy and jewels lining the sides.  They opened up the back for her and a small set of stairs, only three steps, unfolded for her to climb in.  Once we were in she secured my lead to the floor and knocked on the floor.  “Now sirs,” she said with a smile, “onward to Ponyville!”  The pegasi took off like a shot and I had trouble keeping my balance from the momentum, but soon enough we were in the air and on our way.