Welcome to my Life
You and I.
We know each other well. I met you by accident really. You were simply in the right place at the right time when we bumped into one another. I apologised, helped you pick up where you left off, then went home.
I didn’t think much else of you. You were someone I passed on the street, someone I saw for less than a minute. I never thought you’d be who you’d be. You proved me otherwise when you took us through the Everfree. You showed me just who you were when you faced the Nightmare, alone, and with no plan.
I’m guessing you felt what happened that day? What happened when you joined us all with the elements of harmony and joined our destinies forever? You felt the same strand, the same trembling connection that was formed between the six of us. You could see the rest of us, and we could see you. We could see you for who you really were.
Everything after that just seemed token; pointless. Hadn’t we already joined forces as firm friends to change the course of history? What else could we do that would prove our friendship? You went along with it though; you agreed to do what our princess asked and promised her you’d do your best.
From week to week, you met with the five of us, all of us still feeling that strange connection. We never thought that it might have been dangerous. No, it felt safe. It felt like it was pulling us all together, closer and closer as the best of the best of friends. You sent a report to Celestia each week; every week, updating her with lessons and reminders of friendship.
I don’t think I was in many of them. I was always too busy doing my own thing. I would have put it down and come straight to you though, if you’d asked. You were too nice to do that though, weren’t you? You’d never ask someone to stop doing what they loved. It was something that I respected in you. You never let go of your dream, no matter what.
Then things changed. Chaos was unleashed on the world and we were told to bring law and order back. Not that the five of us were much help. That link, that link we’d had since the first time we met – since we’d first met properly – I thought it was broken. I thought I had broken it, and I broke with it. You were the only one who didn't give up. You had to find us and set us right. You uncovered the bonds and showed them to each of us to get us to believe again. I get that and I’m grateful for it.
You got better at it though. By the time you came to me, you’d got it down to a T. The bonds were mended and we were firm friends again. We stormed into the heart of the chaos and kicked its ass from our world. I’m sure you felt it then, too. The bonds grew. We were inseparable, the firmest friends any could hope to be.
And then I started feeling more. I don’t know about anyone else. Maybe it was just me or maybe each of us started looking at you in a new light. It was you. It was all about you. You were what made us - the elements - work. I wanted… I don’t even know what I wanted. I wanted to be near, to offer my help, to do… something to help you. I wanted to go to you after you’d removed chaos from the world and embrace you, to say sorry for what I- what we’d all done.
I dismissed the whole episode as a side-effect from the elements. What else was I supposed to think at that time? I had absolutely no idea myself. Honestly though… I think it was just me. The others celebrated long and hard while I just thought about what had happened.
I had felt something more for you. I had wanted to help you and to protect you. It’s hard to explain… It was almost as if I could sense your importance in the world. I thought I could see your influence on the world, how you could shape and change it. How could I not be intrigued? How could I not be amazed? I wanted to be a part of it. To be a part of something more important than me - how can I explain it – I wanted to be near you.
That’s as far as the reasoning stretched. You were brilliant and beautiful and just amazing. Then I woke the next morning and felt the same. It hadn’t been an episode. I concluded, very simply, that I had a crush on you.
What did I do about it?
Absolutely nothing.
What could I have done? I could have knocked on your door and asked to come inside to talk it over. I could have met you at our weekly picnic and done something rash. I could have yelled my crush from the rooftops, but…. I’m not that strong. To announce my interests to the whole of Ponyville would have been too much.
I did none of them, simply watching you from afar instead. I could never quite bring myself to confess, to tell you what I’d been hiding for fear of rejection. You’ve probably guessed that all my life is a mask? It’s true, for the most part. Time and time again, there have been ponies who hurt my feelings, some worse than others. But… I’d rather not remember them.
I looked for some way that was less obvious; to save your reputation and to save my own blasted fragility. Maybe I could have courted you like they did in my grandfather’s younger years? Maybe I could have asked you out for a quick lunch and a chat? Maybe I could have been braver than I was. Still I did nothing, unwilling to take another risk.
The point is that I don’t deal with my feelings well. If I’d spilt my secrets and my heart to you, then you’d said no… I don’t want to know what would happen. Suffice it to say that it would not be the best moment in my life. I wonder how many others of our friends have seen past my mask.
One of them, I told when we were small. She saw me change and she knew what I was like before. Another had figured it out for herself. She’d seen past me and kept her door open for if I chose to talk. A third had probably guessed and the fourth was shrewd beyond belief.
And for all they knew about me, consoling me wouldn’t be an option if you said no. The risk was too high. The only way I could live my life was to keep you in the sidelines and to draw my focus elsewhere. But… eventually, I know that it’s not going to work anymore. I know that sooner or later, I will have to tell you; if only for closure and the concrete fact that you would answer.
Sooner or later… I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this. Truthfully… I don’t know. I’ve been content for so long, but I don’t know long it is until I’m not content with just content. One day, I will have to face my fears and talk to you, knowing that you will have the option as I present my heart to you, to tear it to pieces before my eyes. Not that you’d ever mean to. You’d soften the blow and apologise until your voice was hoarse from saying sorry and mine was dead from rejecting each and every one.
No matter how many times you’d insist that it was you, not I that was at fault, I’d still leave that encounter with hooves of lead and a head full of unshed tears. Maybe I’d retreat to my house, or maybe I’d seek solace a few miles further out. Maybe a few hundred miles further out. You’d know though. You’d know where I was. Maybe you wouldn’t seek me out though… not yet. You’d give me a little time to get a lid on my feelings, then you’d come and find me. I hope it’d just be you that would come though… I don’t think I could face the others.
That would be that. Another chapter of my life, over and done with. It wouldn’t be my best chapter and it would certainly be a turning point in my life, but it would be done and I would have my answer. We could go back to how everything was before, before I asked you, and no-one would ever be the wiser.
But… there was another option to consider. I hadn’t thought much about it to be frank. It’s such a small chance, I suppose. For you to consider me and the link between us. I could hope that the link ran both ways. I could hope that you would say yes.
I could plan it all. I could bump into you, just like when we first met. I could apologise and offer to accompany you back home. I could run the kettle and ask what you wanted. I could go to you and ask the question.
And then you’d give me your answer.