What Is This, I Don't Even…
Hi Jimmy! Do you mind if I call you Jimmy? Let’s just assume it's close enough. You’re not here for plot, after all. You’re here for some generically pleasant pony scenarios. Well, Jimmy, we've got you covered.
You just recently moved into Ponyville twelve years ago. Your house was damaged in a flood last week. Except your house was actually Carousel Boutique. And now you, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Opalescence, Pinkie Pie and Gummy need to find a new place to live. Oh, don't you remember? Pinkie Pie had to move in with you after the Cakes fired her for spending too much time with you. Them's the breaks, Jimmy.
Anyway, that's all fine now. You've enrolled at Ponyville U, and their dorms are cheap, yet incredibly spacious. We're talking Sex in the City levels of unrealistic rent control. Does anyone even remember that show? Whatever.
You arrive there eager to study. Nothing will stop you from getting that degree in whatever-it-was. Something complicated. You’re a smart guy, aren’t you Jimmy? I suppose you might be a girl, but you probably wouldn’t be reading this story in that case.
Anyway, there's a hitch in your plans. It turns out that, due to budget cuts, you must have four roommates. Twilight Sparkle, Vinyl Scratch, Lyra Heartstrings, and…Princess Luna? The buck is she doing enrolled at Ponyville U? What do you mean “Celestia wanted her to learn more about modern Equestria?” That’s the most trite, idiotic explanation I’ve ever—
Jimmy's eyes snapped open. The night was hot. The room was thick with poorly ventilated air. That was not what had woken him. He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. Even after all the time he had spent in Equestria, all the friends he had made, all the adventures he had been through, the entire place still felt so foreign. Moving into the dorm room was just another expression of that; another new experience in a long line of alien situations. So why did it bother him so much.
His thoughts turned to a glass of water, and he reflexively flung his sheets aside and sat up.
He yelped. Princess Luna lay dreamily across his legs, her eyes gazing up at him seductively.
“P-princess Luna? What are you doing here?”
She turned her head to the side. “Forgive us, Jimmy. We could not help but peek into thy dreams.”
“But…why?” Jimmy asked.
Luna put a hoof to her cheek. “Truth be told,” she hesitated briefly, a tinge of red creeping across her blue coat, “we saw some of ourselves in thee.”
“Uh, what?”
She turned her head sharply. “We know it is silly. Even trivial. But…” She lowered her voice, and leaned forward ever so slightly. “Ever since thou and the Elements saved us from our Nightmare, we have been…conflicted. We are overjoyed to be back, and we love our subjects dearly, but—” She stared dreamily off into the distance, her voice uneven. “We do not feel at home here.”
“Princess…”
“We know it is foolish. Perhaps even selfish. But we can not ignore it any more.” She peeked out from under her mane, the ethereal mass billowing slightly in the wind. “And we know thou feel the same way.”
Jimmy turned his head. “You’re right. It is foolish and selfish to feel that way,” he said softly.
Luna inched forward and laid a hoof across Jimmy’s hand. “We did not mean to intrude upon thy dreams, but we had hoped it would be…comforting, to spend time with a like-minded individual. Pony or not.”
Jimmy bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Princess. I’m already with Rarity. And Pinkie. And occasionally Twilight.”
Luna inched forward. “They do not need to know.”
“I’d know.”
“Come now, Jimmy. We understand thee. That is something no other pony can say.” She leaned forward. Her breath brushed across Jimmy’s ear, her chest pressed against his. “Would it not be nice to be with somepony with that understanding? If only for a little while?”
“Of course it would. But, Princess, I just can’t.”
Princess Luna moved another inch forward and placed a hand I mean hoof on Jimmy’s leg. “Why not?”
Jimmy finally looked at the Princess. Her eyes were pleading, desperate, melancholy, and concerned. He had no answer.
And then they bucked. Hard. But not too hard.
As the mattress squeaked loudly in the night, another squeak leaked out of the closet hinges. Vinyl Scratch slinked out of room, low to the ground. Her shirt and pants were scrunched against her chest, and there was an imperceptible limp in her step as she walked out.
I don’t know why I was so worried. Rarity and Pinkie and occasionally Twilight and Vinyl are all so understanding. When I told them about what happened with Princess Luna they were so concerned about the both of us. They even tried to blame themselves for not making us feel at home, or not welcoming us properly, or for being bad kissers.
I don’t why I ever felt out of place here. Sure, the doorways are a bit low, and the furniture is a bit tiny, as I was comforting my five marefriends, I realized something.
Your real home is all about who you’re with, not any particular location. All the ponies I’ve befriended here are a greater home than any I’ve ever had. They’ve been so accommodating, such great company, such understanding friends—I don’t understand why it took me this long to realize it.
Princess Luna rewarded me for helping her realize this by marrying me. Not like, conducting the ceremony, I mean actually marrying me. I didn’t want anypony to feel left out, so I married them too. All eight of them were absolutely ecstatic.
The honeymoon was great. I’m really looking forward to next semester though; I hear there’s going to be a new student there who’s really shy and withdrawn. And all my wives can help show her the magic of “friendship.”
The bucking end.