> The Titans' Orb
>  by Mister Horncastle
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Author's Note: For New Readers
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Greetings, and welcome to the Titans' Orb.

This story is the first in an ongoing saga, currently spanning over three books, with more on the way.
However, if you're a new reader hoping to get into this gritty and exciting series, then you may have noticed only a small number of chapters are available, and jumping to the sequel, Rising Storm, may seem awfully disjointed and confusing.

This is because the Titans' Orb was originally written ten years ago, and has since been remastered!

The previously existing chapters have since been deleted, and over the course of this month, I will be releasing the new remastered chapters on a day-by-day basis, spaced evenly until Chapter Thirty and the Epilogue release on the 30th.

Depending on when you're reading this, there may only be a handful of chapters available to you, so please check in daily to see the story continue all the way to the Epilogue, BEFORE moving on to the sequel.

Thank you for reading this, and thank you for your patience, I very much hope you stay with the story and enjoy every thrilling moment of it; welcome to the Titans' Orb family.

Kindest regards,
- Mister Horncastle 




> Prologue: Tell Me a Story
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





“Mumma?” the young filly asked.

Looking down at her precious daughter, the little one’s mother emitted an affectionate hum.

“What is it, my little angel?”

Tilting her head, the filly gazed up at her mother with sparkles in her eyes.

“Why does Princess Celestia do everything?”

At this, her mother chuckled and rustled her mane.

“Princess Celestia doesn’t do everything sweetie, she has many other ponies that help her out, called advisers. They all work together in a special group called the Royal Council. And once upon a time, her sister, Princess Luna, used to help a lot too. That was a long time ago, before she became Nightmare Moon. But, there used to be a time when they ruled Equestria together, but even now that she rules alone, the Princess is very strong and very wise, so she can handle all the royal duties that she has to do.”

The filly thought about this for a few seconds, and then had another question.

“Where did Princess Celestia come from? Did she have a mummy?”

Unsure whether to laugh or to frown, the filly’s mother pondered for a moment. The event surrounding the Sunlight Goddess’ birth was a very serious topic; she had studied it at the Canterlot University in her youth. Looking at the clock, she decided that it was time for her daughter to go to bed.

“It’s getting late honey. Go and brush your teeth and hop into bed, and I’ll tell you all about it.”

The filly gasped, another bedtime story! Without uttering another word, she rushed upstairs to brush her teeth. Exhaling through her nose with amusement, the mare acknowledged that if she told the story to her foal, she wouldn’t hear the end of it for months on end. However, her daughter’s persistent quest for knowledge was admirable, and with a shrug, she saw no harm in it. Besides, it was a riveting story, and not one many ponies knew these days…

Stepping into the living room, the mare found her husband explaining the ‘birds and the bees’ to their son.

“Well, that’s pretty much the basics.” he rasped, awkwardly clearing his throat, “Now, if you have any more questions, you can ask your mother.”

Another puff of air left the mare’s nose, this time more in displeasure than amusement. It was rather obvious what her other half had done; he evidently didn’t want to explain things in detail, and so he had shifted the responsibility onto her.

{Sneaky git.} she thought to herself, rolling her eyes.

Turning around, her son spotted her, and rushed over with a look of eagerness and curiosity. He opened his mouth to speak, but his mother silenced him, knowing precisely what dwelled on his mind.

“After I put your sister to bed, I’ll answer any questions you have, alright?”

Nodding sheepishly, the young colt scarpered off to his room. With husband and wife alone, the colt’s father made his approach, whispering to his partner in his deep, seductive tone.

“Well good evening, Vel…”

Stifling a shudder, she loved it when he called her that. Ignoring his flirting, she went in for a hug, instead of the kiss he was expecting. Having been married for many years, playing hard to get kept things fun, and seeing her husband grow more and more impatient filled her with excitement; it was always more satisfying to work for one’s meal. Still, she never wanted him to feel undesired, and so she planted a passionate kiss onto his neck, before pulling away to face him.

“I’ve just sent our little angel off to bed. She wants to know about the origin of Her Royal Highness.”

“Of course she does.” the stallion sighed, tutting, “I swear, that filly…”

“I know…” the mare replied, “Maybe someday she’ll want something besides knowledge.”

The stallion let out a faint chuckle, shaking his head.

“That’ll be the day… Well the history lesson is all yours, I’ve done plenty enough explaining for one night.”

“So I heard.” the mare giggled. “I’ll be as quick as I can, and then I’m off to bed.”

“Straight to sleep?” he hinted.

Leaning forward, she rested her mouth beside her husband’s ear.

“That depends…” she whispered, “The dishes still need doing, and you know just how I reward good behaviour…”

With that, she pecked the stallion on the cheek and trotted off upstairs, leaving him standing alone in the living room. And then, with a gulp, he shot off into the kitchen as fast as his hooves could carry him.


The door to the little filly’s bedroom opened, and in came her mother.

“I brushed my teeth!” she announced excitedly, bouncing up and down in her bed.

“Show me.”

Baring her teeth, her mother inspected them, and then planted a kiss on her forehead, taking note to avoid her little unicorn horn. Settling the little filly down, she tucked her in and sat down beside her, resting against the bedside table.

“Are you going to tell me a story?”

“Yes, and it’s a very special story.”

While the filly wriggled into a comfortable position, her mother pondered on how she was going to word the fable; it was rather complex, and she didn’t want to say anything that would confuse her foal too much. Eventually, she settled on how she would tell it, and took a deep breath.

“Alright my little one, this story is about how Equestria was made, and where the Princesses came from.”

“Ooh, ooh!” the young one squeaked with wide eyes, desperate to learn.

“Now-now sweetness… I won’t tell you if you don’t settle down.”

Within a heartbeat, the filly had gone limp, now silent as a dormouse. She loved learning more than anything in the whole wide world, and would do anything if it meant receiving another lesson. Smiling warmly, her mother couldn’t help but be reminded of herself when she was younger.

“Now then,” she began, “this is the story of how Equus came to be… Once upon a time, there were six magical creatures, called the Holy Titans of Harmony. The Titans were enormous, bigger than the Great Mountain itself.”

“The mountain where Canterlot is?” the little filly inquired, blinking innocently.

“That’s the one!” her mother confirmed, nodding, “Now, these Titans, in all their great power, worked together to create our world, Equus. It took them a very long time, and when it was finally done, they created tiny little things called cells, which slowly grew into all the plants and animals we see in the world today, even us.”

The filly had seen cells under a microscope, but she wasn’t told where they came from, so learning about their origin, along with the Titans, was like music to her ears. Continuing, her mother explained that the Titans then created a magical crystal sphere, known as the Titans’ Orb.

“The Titans’ Orb is very special,” she explained, “for it produces a bubble around our world, a shield that can never be destroyed. This, my little one, is so all the bad monsters can never come here.”

The filly’s mother then pretended to be a mighty beast, rearing up onto her hind legs and towering over the bed with a scowl, her hooves held high. She let out a playful hiss and stomped towards her daughter, of whom began to giggle. This giggle then became hysterical laughter as the monster was repelled by the Titans’ Orb, falling back with a loud retching noise and collapsing down to the ground. Getting back up, she calmed her daughter back down and gave her a nurturing cuddle.

“You, my darling, are safe.”

The filly held her back, squeezing her mother tightly. They then let go of each other, and the story continued.

“Along with the Orb, the Titans made something else as well. They created a sword, the Titans’ Sword, which was given to a very special pony, known as the Champion. This pony was the protector of Equus, and only they could use the sword without being hurt, nopony else could even try, not even Princess Celestia.”

The filly’s pupils expanded, captivated by every word.

“One day…” the mare continued, “The Titan of Mass, whose name was Appelox, turned evil, and he gobbled up the other Titans!”

“He gobbled them up?” the filly squeaked.

“Indeed, he did.” her mother nodded, “But it wasn’t all bad, because something really special happened just before that…”

The filly sat bolt upright in her bed, too excited to lie still.

“What? What happened?”

Laughing affectionately, the mare calmed her daughter down before continuing. She lightly placed a hoof on her child’s chest and gently laid her back down.

“The Titan of Mana, called Twilus, realised that Appelox was going to eat her, and so she reached out to her Champion, asking for help. The Champion, you see, was the first alicorn in this world, known only as the Regal Mother. Nopony knows much about her, only that she was the Champion, and that she offered herself to Twilus as a sacrifice, so that she may create two very special ponies…”

“The Princesses?”

Emitting an endearing huff through her nose, the little filly’s mother smiled.

“That’s right my little one, Twilus used the Regal Mother’s body to create Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna. One pony to embody the sun, representing all the light and warmth it brings in the day, and the other to embody the moon, and the cold gentle darkness of night. It became their job to rule Equestria together, to watch over us now that the Titans are gone. After they were born, Twilus was gobbled up by Appelox.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the filly asked what happened next, and her mother dutifully pressed on.

“Appelox then tried to eat Equus as well, but he failed. Twilus had tampered with the Titans’ Orb, making it recognise Appelox for the monster he had become. He was given a great big nasty shock, and that mean old Titan ran away forever! And so it is, that even without the Titans any more, their Orb keeps us safe.”

The filly said nothing this time, and simply stared in awe at her mother, amazed that this was all true. So many questions now danced in her little head… What did the Titans look like? How big were they? Where was Appelox now? Who was the Regal Mother? Was there another Champion now? Maybe she could be the next Champion? Maybe if she tried really, really hard, the Titans’ Sword would let her use it?

“Well, that’s about it, darling.” her mother said, getting to her hooves.

“Wait!” the filly begged.

Raising an eyebrow, her mother waited, prompting her to go on.

“What happened to the sword?”

Sighing, her mother sat back down, and told her about the following Champion.

“Long before our time, before even Nightmare Moon, there was a pony who found it. No one knows his name any more, but from what’s written, he was a good friend to the royal sisters, and dutifully served as Champion for many years. He’s gone now, and there hasn’t been a Champion since.”

“Oh… Where’s the sword now?”

Hanging her head, the mare’s patience was beginning to wear thin; it seemed that she would never get away from the seething mass of questions her foal now had for her. Still, she had brought this upon herself, and proceeded to explain that the sword was now kept with the Titans’ Orb, sealed away in the lowest region of the Canterlot Caves, deep beneath the earth.

“Will it ever choose anypony again?” her child quizzed, tilting her head.

She could tell in her daughter’s voice that it was her final question, and to be honest, it was something that even the mare herself had wondered on occasion. It had been a long time since she had read up on her ancient history, but the few books on the subject did mention the ever-flowing back and forth between Champions and Calamities. Looking down upon her daughter, she recited the honest truth of what little she knew.

“Well, an old legend says that one day, a bad thing will happen… something called a Calamity.”

“A Calamimmy?”

“Close enough, darling.”

Chuckling, she explained that someday, Equus would find itself in grave danger, and when all hope seemed lost, a hero would arise. The sword would accept them, and they would be named the Champion of the Titans. With the sword at their side, the Champion would protect all the ponies across the land, and defeat the Calamity. Mesmerised, the little filly lay there for a good few seconds before speaking.

“Wow…”

The mare smiled warmly and tilted her head, her love for her daughter, almost overwhelming. The filly then rolled onto her side and looked up, blinking innocently with her perfect little eyes.

“Me be alright?”

“Yes, my sweet little angel, you'll be alright.”

Leaning forward and kissing her kin on the head, she turned away and left the room, leaving a young Twilight Sparkle to drift off, thinking of all the incredible things she had learned today.

Her story, was very much yet to begin…






Fourteen Years Later






A shadow, unnoticed and unheard, slithered between the rocks and crystals, closer and closer to its target. The numerous guards had no idea what was coming. It was then that a tiny stone was dropped behind a large cluster of crystals, which only one of the guards heard.

“Huh?” he mumbled, leaving his post in order to investigate.

{Straying from the light, how witless…} the dark form thought to itself, waiting patiently for its prey.

The guard walked around to the back of the crystals, and before he could blink, a sharp blade was placed beneath his chin and gashed his throat open. Within seconds, he was dead.

{Pitiful…} the creature thought, silently crawling up a stone pillar and onto the ceiling.

Upside down and submerged in shadow, none of the remaining guards had a clue as to what unimaginable peril lurked above them, observing them, and mapping out their patrols, planning how each of them would soon die. Within the next half hour, another six guards had been killed, and now only three remained. At long last, the Captain of the Guard realised that their numbers had significantly thinned.

“Hey, where did the others go?”

“I last saw Coinhoof over there.” one of his companions replied.

The Captain walked off in search of his fellow guards, while the other two remained in place. If only he had looked up, he might have spotted the faintly glowing eyes looking back down at him. With its mandibles clicking, it uttered quietly to him, knowing it was out of earshot.

“When you return, you’re going to find a rather curious sight.” it said, twitching with excitement, “Your brethren will be my canvas, and your terror will be my ink…”

Skittering across the ceiling, it made its way to the two guards, who were still totally unaware. This was all too easy, and the creature was somewhat disappointed by the facile pickings. It had expected finer protection for such a prize, had its time away truly been so forgotten? Withdrawing its identical twin swords, the creature detached from the cave roof, landing with enough finesse to remain perfectly balanced. Whipping around to face it, the guards opened their mouths in horror, but before either of them could properly catch a glimpse at their adversary, it had swung its blades, beheading them both in a single X-shaped swipe.

The Captain of the Guard’s right ear twitched, what was that sound? Now alone, with no idea of what was happening around him, he carried on searching for his companions. He then noticed a trail of liquid, pooling in some parts of the uneven stone floor. With the little light provided, he couldn’t distinguish what it was, and decided to follow it. His investigation then fell short, as he stumbled upon the mangled corpse of his fellow guardspony, Coinhoof.

“Uh… Ah! AHHHH!” he screamed, bolting.

The creature had to act fast, if the alarm was raised now, it could very well fail in its task. Sheathing its blades, it darted towards the Captain at an unfathomable speed, gliding across the floor like a vengeful gust of wind. It launched at him, smacking into him at full force, driving him into the ground so hard that it cracked open one of his legs at the shin.

“GAAAAHH!” he howled in pain, squeezing his eyes shut and writhing in agony.

“So, this is her finest guard?” the creature spoke, eyeing him up and down, “Pathetic…”

The Captain opened his eyes, and what he saw caused him to soil himself. He could not speak, and he could not move, for the sight reflected in his eyes was so horrifying that it left him completely and utterly petrified. By the time he was able to snap out of it, the creature was already tearing into him, parting hide from flesh, and flesh from bone. His screams echoed all throughout the Canterlot Caves, until they stopped abruptly. Dropping the scattered remains, the creature headed at last towards its prize…

The Titans’ Orb sat upon a small crystal podium, paired with the Titans’ Sword, which was embedded within the podium itself. All but a dome of magical energy stood between this creature, and the only thing that kept Equus truly safe. It placed its claws on the forcefield and made an attempt to push through, only to be met with a violent shock. He had been expecting this however, and had most certainly not come unprepared.

The world of Equus was home to many relics and artefacts of great power, and from this monster’s back, was drawn such an artefact, one that formerly belonged to the very ruler of Tartarus, the great Lich of the Underworld and Caretaker of the Dead.
Yes, indeed… the relic in question had once belonged to Hades, and took the form of a ridged bone staff, bearing the skull of an alicorn, which in turn bore the horns of a minotaur. Asymmetrical in nature, the other end of the staff housed the malformed claw of a griffon, which tightly clutched at a crystal of a most vile green hue.

With its mandibles clicking eagerly, the creature thrust the staff towards the forcefield, and a sickly green mist began to emanate from it, fusing with the magical barrier. The mist spread like a poison until the entire dome had become a deep emerald in colour. It then grew darker and darker until finally it collapsed upon itself, disintegrating into black flakes that hung in the air.

“Finally…” the monster spoke, its fangs still wet with pony blood.

After all this time, after centuries of patiently waiting, the creature would see its oath fulfilled. Its blackened heart swelled with a sense of pride for finally reaching this moment. Taking a moment to inspect the Orb, it clambered the stone monument and peered into the crystal sphere. It pulsated and swirled with enough mana to ignite a thousand suns, and it almost seemed a pity to ruin such a perfect thing. Backing away, the beast took aim with the staff, and started to chant an incantation.

“Tswesya si set, vrrtep syura. Tswesya si, ulte ska’a fì’u swok zum!”

The language was that of the First Tongue, a long-forgotten language from Ancient Equestria, which had been almost entirely lost to time. The gravelly demonic voice rippled through the air, and more sickly green magic emerged from the staff, enveloping the Titans’ Orb and causing it to rise into the air. The crystal podium it had sat on crumbled apart, and the sword embedded within floated up to join the Orb, hovering just beneath it. The Orb then began to hum loudly, and brightly glowing cracks started forming upon its surface.

And then… BOOM!



The entire cave was shaken viciously, with masses of crystal and stone being dislodged and shattered by the sheer force of the shockwave. As the smoke cleared, it was revealed that both the Orb and the sword were gone. All that remained was the scorched rock, littered with countless pieces of broken crystal, which shone faintly with the residue of the Orb’s energy, and the sickly green magic that had destroyed it. With a haunting chuckle, the creature slipped away into the shadows, its plan at last in motion.

“And so it begins…” he croaked, “The arrival of the end of all days is now in motion. Equus shall burn in the fires of war, and in the final moments of their apocalypse, all shall know the name…”



“Nah’Lek.”





> Chapter One: My Life
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





My eyes flickered open, and I slowly sat up, inhaling deeply through my nose. With a yawn, I reached over to retrieve my phone and check the time; it was a little past midday. I’d slept a bit later than I had meant to, although it didn’t overly matter. Shrugging, I clambered out of bed and proceeded to get dressed, and once I was fully clothed, I stood in front of the mirror, taking a good long look at myself; I didn’t look half bad, for once… It had taken plenty of dedication, but I was finally somewhat happy with my image, and no longer repulsed by the overweight blob that I once was. That wasn’t to say that I was totally there yet, I still had quite the belly, and so I decided to take myself off to the nearby leisure centre for a swim. I would need to take the bus to get there, as driving wasn’t an option for me, for a handful of reasons. Firstly, I couldn’t afford the lessons, let alone a car. And secondly, even if I had the money, I lacked the confidence; the sheer thought of piloting a great big metal death trap, hurtling down the road alongside other great big metal death traps, utterly terrified me.
For all that said, getting from A to B required either walking, or taking public transport.

After packing my goggles, swimming trunks, and a towel into a small duffle bag, I made my way downstairs and opened the front door, not bothering to grab anything to eat.

“Where do you think you’re going?” a voice barked.

This voice belonged to that of my mother.

It was safe to assume that most people would be comforted to hear their mother’s voice; that familiar maternal tone should by all rights evoke feelings of assurance, and safety.
Well, things were rather different in this household.

“I’m just heading out to the K-Two, I’m going for a swim.” I answered, turning to face her.

Her eyes narrowed and she cast me a less-than-subtle look of contempt.

“Fine, but I’m not taking you.”

“I uh, never asked you to.” I replied awkwardly, “I’m taking the bus.”

“Well, be back before six.”

Raising my eyebrows and looking down at the floor, I obeyed the order with an exasperated mumble.

“Yes Mum…”

Oh how the woman did love to nag, especially when it came to me going out, she was always checking on what I did. She didn’t care for my safety, there was just this obsessive need to know what I was actually doing with my time. It seemed as though she was in a constant state of paranoia, as if there was some big secret to uncover. I was seventeen years old with barely a penny to my name, what did she think I got up to?

Opening the front door, I stepped out into the driveway, and being the middle of a hot June, I was relieved to be greeted by a cool breeze. Truth be told, I hated the summer; I was a winter baby, born in early January and proud of it too; I thrived in the cold. The front door was slammed shut, and with a pensive sigh I began to make the short walk to the bus stop.

Janice, my mother… where did I start? She was a narcissistic, self-centred old bat with a huge drinking problem. It was only mild at first, but she went completely off the deep end after my father disappeared. Now she was a borderline psychopath, ready to lash out at even the slightest provocation.

On the total flip side, my dad, Clifford, had been the ideal parent. He was a good man, a kind man, caring, and thoughtful. He had all the time in the world for me, and filled my childhood with good experiences and memories. But nobody in this world was perfect, and my father met his downfall at the behest of a severe gambling addiction, which only became apparent during the last few weeks of his time in my family. At first, I had seen no ill in it, for he had claimed to only ever spend his winnings; he never gambled what he couldn’t afford to lose. And then, in just a single game of high-stakes poker, the bastard shed his virtues and refused to fold, throwing away his life and all of our family savings. I never heard from him again after that. As for where he went, I would never know, and my mum certainly wasn’t up for telling me; merely uttering his name rewarded me with bruises, and being sent to bed without supper.

I also had an older brother.
Once my best friend, now my personal tormentor, Oliver could be as bad as my mum at times. When Dad left, he stepped up to become a very twisted ‘man of the house’, by way of downloading every possible example of toxic masculinity to his brain, forging one of the most repugnant personalities known to man. Beneath it all however, it was very clear that he was just angry with Clifford for abandoning us, but unfortunately, I had become the outlet for that anger.
Despite his obnoxious and thug-like persona, he was actually a fiercely intelligent person, and had learned how to avoid my mum’s cruelty by mimicking her lifestyle. He would bring her peace offerings of whiskey and scotch to remain in her good graces, and drink with her long into the night, ranting and raving over politics and such, cleverly agreeing with her opinions and appearing like-minded to her. I had to admit, for as much as I detested the person he had become, he knew how to play the game, and I respected him for that.

In truth, I had been close to following the same path. All the bitterness and anger inside was certainly potent enough to make a monster out of me, but there was one thing that had allowed me to contain it. Though rather pathetic, and totally laughable by all rights, the thing that kept me going was a children’s cartoon, by the name of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

As all bronies would attest to, My Little Pony was more than just some silly show, it was a vibrant world with layered characters, genuinely entertaining premises, and valuable life lessons. It had made me appreciate the trivial joys in life, and had helped teach me to put people’s differences aside, and learn to love people for who they were. Beyond that, the show had provided me with a community, a mass of oddballs and outcasts from all different walks of life, many of whom I would chat with on the internet. From America to Japan, I had made connections with people like me, and bonded with them over shared experiences and mutual love for the show. These friendships, though mostly superficial and short-lived, had brought me a great deal of respite from the arduous day-to-day of my rather unfortunate life.

That cartoon, along with the quirky coterie it provided, had helped me maintain the motivation to press on, and to be the best version of myself I could be, all while clinging desperately to my faint sliver of hope. Hope that one day I would make it in life, that I’d be successful, with good friends at my side, and that maybe, just maybe, I’d be happy with my place in the world; because right now, I was certainly not happy with that, or at all…

Outside the community, I was very much a closet brony, having received my fair share of persecution for it at school. I had made the fatal error of telling my peers about it, hoping to share in the loving and wholesome experience it had brought to me, only to be met with relentless mockery. The entire school knew within a fortnight, and the merciless rumours came into circulation shortly afterwards.
Callum Horncastle, the little girl trapped in a boy’s body; the freak, the degenerate, the faggot, the queer, the paedophile… For a good year, I was embellished on a near daily basis with all the slurs bronies often received, and it didn’t help that I had autism either; the word ‘retard’ was thrown around quite a lot.

Thankfully the hysteria eventually died down, and as time went on, I was able to laugh about it with my classmates, with a small handful of them even watching the show for themselves! Though their numbers were small, the newfound bronies came to me with legitimate apologies for how they’d treated me, and I of course forgave them. But still, the experience had taught me not to be so forthcoming, and so my love for the show remained for the most part obscured, and wrought with ignominy.

Overall, this life of mine wasn’t exactly a pleasant one. With a miserable home life, a hatred for myself, and a pitiful outlook for the future, I had developed depression on a clinical level. Every day was a challenge, to the point where the simple act of getting out of bed felt like running a marathon. It had been this way for a while now, and I had spent far too much time in a state of hapless limbo, growing fat and not even caring.

Still, for as pessimistic as I could be at times, it wasn’t all hopeless. For my new-year resolutions, I had decided to take up boxing, both to lose weight, and to help manage the anger. It had been working a treat thus far, with my fortitude slowly but surely on the incline. Three days a week, I was training and sparring, and I had even begun to compete professionally! People had started to call me One-Right, on account of my fighting style; for most of the match, I would wear my opponent down with a flurry of small jabs and hooks with my left hand. And then, without any warning, I would deliver a fully charged right-handed strike, fuelled by every ounce of the bitterness and ire within me. It was the punch everybody feared, because it was the punch that won me the fight, every single time, without failure.

Learning to fight and losing weight had definitely improved things, but there was no hiding the fact that at the end of the day, one cannot polish a turd. I was still unhappy, and no amount of boxing or My Little Pony was ever going to fix that. No matter how many fights I won, it never brought me joy, nor fulfilment. There were no amount of ‘good days’ that could quell the oppressing darkness that bled from the sea of shadows within my mind. There was a sickness in me, of which there was no cure. For years now, I hadn’t been living, not really, I had just been surviving. Day in, day out, all I yearned for was something that could set me free from the murky pit that was my life; a real purpose, a fresh start, something, anything!

Just not this…


Crossing the road, I walked over to the bus stop. The bus for the leisure centre always took forever to show up on a Saturday, and so I sat down on the bench and patiently waited, looking around at my surroundings with a sense of antipathy. The place I had the displeasure of calling home was a dismal suburban area by the name of Ifield. It was a lowly neighbourhood, with almost all the buildings being made up of cheap council houses, packed with slobs who thrived on benefit fraud. Half the bloody town were on jobseeker’s allowance, well aware that they weren’t seeking anything but an easy way to sponge off the taxpayer. My home was one of the few decent places for miles; a proper Victorian house from back when Ifield was an actual village, which was sadly abolished in the nineteen-thirties after being merged with the larger town of Crawley. The house had thankfully survived, and was accompanied by a generous four acre plot of land at the back, of where I would often take long, moody walks with the dogs.

Doing my best to accept the way of things, I began to daydream while I waited. Returning to the usual fantasy, I envisioned a life in Equestria, and how wonderful it would be to live amongst the ponies there. A place far from here, without hatred or war, harbouring only love and harmony, where no one judged others for who they were. Somewhere I could be happy.

My self-pity was soon forced away, as I saw the leisure centre coming towards me, I had arrived.



Thanking the driver, I got off the bus and went inside, where I paid the cashier for entry to the swimming pools and went to get changed with a weak hint of excitement. I’ve loved swimming ever since I was little, for there was nothing quite like the freeing weightlessness of being underwater, unburdened by the weight of mind and body, able to sink physically instead of mentally for a change. Whenever I was submerged, it felt like my struggles remained at the surface, as though my ailing mind couldn’t swim. Perhaps it couldn't? Maybe in a roundabout way, that was why it always felt like I was drowning…


After a good two hours of swimming lengths in the Olympic pool, my stamina waned and my muscles started to ache, and so I hopped out and went back to the changing rooms. I was just towelling myself off when I overheard a couple of teenage lads in the cubicle next to me, ranting on about a cheating ex-girlfriend or something of that ilk. There was some rather enthusiastic talk of stabbing someone, and I was left rolling my eyes, tutting loudly. Slipping into my clothes, I got out of there as quickly as I could, wishing to hear no more of it.

The bus home didn’t arrive for some time, so while I waited, I leaned up against the bus stop and stared at the clouds in search of pareidolias. It was something my dad and I used to do together back when he was still around. We would lay out for ages during the summer, just staring up at the clouds. I would always look for animals and such; cloud cats, cloud dogs, perhaps a cloud dragon or two. Clifford on the other hand, would always look for people, and faces.

My searching then came to an abrupt halt when I noticed something moving behind one of the clouds. It was light blue, almost perfectly blended with the sky that surrounded it. I wouldn’t have seen it at all, if not for the smattering of other colours at both ends. Squinting my eyes, I tried to make out what it was, but it was far too small to be properly identified. It was only there for a moment, and then in the blink of an eye, it had vanished. I tried to find it again, but to no avail it was gone. With a shrug, I guessed that it was just a trick of the light, and cast it from my mind. The bus then finally arrived, and I showed the driver my return ticket and sat down. Feeling better for the swim, I released a calm breath, and watched the world pass me by as I was taken home.


When I got back, I found myself alone. I knew that my brother was away at a friend’s house, but I didn’t know where Janice had gone. I could only presume that she’d gone off to play bingo, as she often did in the afternoons. Scoffing, it was hard not to see the irony that she had banished my father for gambling, and yet so regularly gambled herself, albeit on a much smaller scale.

Knowing that I would be alone for a few hours, I prepared something that crudely resembled a dinner for myself, consisting of a curry flavoured Pot Noodle, and the left-over sausages that I had missed out on from this morning’s breakfast. It was hardly fine dining, but it was all I could be bothered to make. I was a good cook, mind, but with how depressed I was, finding the motivation to prepare a more satisfying meal was hard to come by. After I had heated up the sausages in the microwave, I took myself into the lounge and began to eat in front of the television. The Jeremy Kyle show was on, which was unquestionably shite TV, but I couldn’t help but enjoy it; there were few ways to improve one’s self-confidence quite like watching low class hooligans squabble and scream at each other over who cheated on whom, or who the baby’s real father was. It was essentially the British version of The Jerry Springer Show, all mediated by a man by the name of Jeremy Kyle, or Jezza, as most people liked to call him.

The programme was almost over, and just as the DNA results were about to be revealed, there was suddenly a loud whooshing noise in the back garden, startling me. One of the family dogs, Chilli, started to bark like crazy, speeding out of the lounge and out through the cat-flap before I could even stand up. My other dog, Archer, raised his massive head and looked around, showing concern for no more than a few seconds, before losing interest and lowering himself back down again. Rolling my eyes at the Deerhound’s laziness, I got up and made my way to the back door. I was almost there, when I heard a loud cracking noise, followed by a yelp. My eyes flared wide open and I started to panic; that was Chilli’s yelp. Quickly opening the door, I sprinted out into the garden and started looking around for her, frantically calling out her name.

“Chilli, where are you? Here Chilli!”

There was no response. Now I was really getting worried. I loved that damn dog more than anything, if anything happened to her, it would probably be the last straw for me… Swallowing nervously, I started whistling and patting my thighs emphatically, desperately beckoning the dog to me.

“Chilli come!” I called out, before whistling as loud as I could.

At first there was still no response, but after a moment of silence, I heard a whimpering in the bushes. Charging over to them, I finally found her, eyes wide and cowering with fear. She was pressed up against the base of the hedge, but upon seeing me, she crawled over for protection. As I scooped her up and checked her over, I realised that her whiskers had been singed at the tips, as if they had been set alight by a match or something. What the hell had happened to her? Gulping, I stood up properly and looked all around, still cradling the quivering bundle in my arms. Casting my eyes over to the chickens on the land, I noticed that they seemed to be rather spooked as well. Yes, we also had chickens, with there being four acres of land, it seemed silly not to have any livestock; it was certainly nice to have an endless supply of eggs, that was for sure. We had ten hens and a cockerel named Bronson, and all eleven of them were bunched up together and clucking nervously, when they normally liked to roam around separately. They were evidently disturbed by something, and so I took it upon myself to investigate. After putting Chilli inside, I beckoned for Archer to accompany me as I went back out to have a look around. Being a sighthound, he was perfect for something like this, if there was anyone hiding out here, he’d spot them far sooner than I ever could.

Alas, no such spotting was to occur, and after a good ten-or-so minutes of searching, I found nothing to suggest that there was anyone in the garden, or anything out of the ordinary at all. The chickens had calmed down, and all seemed as it ought to be. Frowning, I folded my arms and exhaled heavily from my nose. What was going on here? What the bloody hell had singed Chilli’s whiskers? As the mystery weighed more and more on my mind, I started to develop a sense of paranoia. Was someone watching me? Turning all around, I was unable to shake the uneasy feeling that I was being observed. A shiver ran down my spine, and without the ability to figure out who, or what, or where my observer might be, I anxiously hurried back inside, being sure to lock the door behind me. Now terribly uncomfortable, especially as I was home alone, I went up to my room and played on my Xbox, trying to forget about the whole thing. With the both of us in need of some company, I let Chilli come upstairs with me, who curled up in my lap while I played.


A couple of hours later, I heard the front door slam; Jan was home. Within seconds, I could hear my mother stomping her way upstairs, and the door to my bedroom was shunted open.

“Why the fuck is the dog on the bed?” she demanded as she stepped into my room.

She grabbed Chilli by the collar and yanked her off of my bed, and then without an ounce of humanity, quite literally kicked her out of my room. With a yelp, the poor little spaniel ran downstairs, now frightened and confused. Looking up at the callous old hag, I gave my mother a solemn, defeated look.

“Why did you do that?” I begged, clenching my jaw.

“You know I don’t like her up here.” she snapped in reply.

“Okay, but you don’t have to kick her like-”

My words were cut off by her hand, as it slapped me across the face.

“Don’t answer back, cocky little boy.” she spat, turning away to leave.

She shut my door and marched off, to which I let out a heavy sigh and allowed my head to hang low. Sniffing angrily, I wrinkled my nose in response to my now-stinging cheek. I didn’t cry, for this was a common occurrence; I was wholly used to this kind of treatment. No, for me, the real pain came from how she’d kicked the dog. The old bat could do to me as she liked, but poor Chilli didn’t understand, and under no grounds did she deserve such needless abuse, and for what, lying on my bed? One would think she’d shat in my mother’s cereal for the way she was so often despised by the woman.

And then, just as I thought that was the worst of it, the wrath of my mother’s return continued, as the kitchen fridge was opened.

“Who took the sausages from this morning?”

Her sharp, booming voice rippled through the house, to the point where I could physically feel the vibration through my bed frame. Swallowing, I took a deep breath, before venturing miserably downstairs to confess.

“Sorry Mum, I thought those were for me because I missed breakfast.”

Casting me a fierce look, she raised one side of her lip, disgusted with me.

“Right, so you thought you could just sneak into the fridge while nobody’s home and eat whatever you like, hm?”

“I just… I just wanted something for dinner, and I didn’t know what else to eat.” I sighed.

Leaving the fridge wide open, she strode towards me and I haunched my shoulders, knowing what was about to happen. Grabbing my face with an open hand, she clamped my cheeks like a vice and said that I was never going to get into shape, because I was a gluttonous, greedy little runt. Saying nothing, I met her piercing glare, to which she smacked me in the face and ordered me to make myself useful by putting the chickens to bed. I didn’t argue with her, and drifted sombrely to the back door. She followed me there, looming ominously behind me, knowing full-well that I was afraid of her. As I stepped outside, she slammed the door shut and I heard the lock click, indicating that I would be stuck out here for a while. With another loud sniff, I wiped at the tears in my eyes and made my way down the garden to the chicken coop, now feeling bleak and lifeless.

As though they wished to ease my burden, most of the chickens had thankfully turned in for the night already, and after escorting the last two hens into the hutch, I closed the door. This was my duty on a daily basis, to prevent foxes from getting at them in the night, as they had done so many times before. Over the past few years, we had lost a good nine hens, along with our previous cockerel, named Bruce. Of course, I had been blamed for this, and so it was now up to me to secure them at night, with Janice promising that if any more chickens were killed, I would be made to sleep in the coop with the surviving flock, not to return indoors until I myself had laid an egg.

Having been locked out, I saw no point in heading back, and so I wandered aimlessly up the land. I had only gone a few paces, when I suddenly heard a faint voice from behind the concrete car shed further up the land, used for Dad’s old sit-on lawn mower. Immediately on high alert, I clenched my fists and crept on over. Upon reaching the shed, I crouched down low and craned my neck, listening carefully, and it quickly dawned on me that there were multiple voices speaking. More concerning than that, was that they were talking about me.

“Oh, how I feel for the poor boy.” one of them spoke, “How can she treat another of her kind like that, her own son for that matter?”

The voice was female and carried a stern elegance, and somehow, I recognised it from somewhere. Furrowing my brow, I carried on listening as another voice spoke, of which I recognised as well.

“Yeah, I feel for him too. I honestly couldn’t even watch when she went to hit him…”

And then, a third voice spoke, in the form of a gentle, concerned whisper. It was so quiet that I almost didn’t hear it at all.

“Um, Twilight, I was wondering… Was it, um… really necessary to zap poor little Chilli? I feel so bad for the poor thing!”

Twilight… Twilight… That voice, saying that particular name…
It couldn’t be, it couldn’t be. Surely not…

“Oh Fluttershy, I know, and I’m sorry. However, I’m afraid it was necessary. If it kept barking at us, the human might have found us.”

{Oh… my… god.} I thought to myself, my eyes bulging.

I realised who I was listening to, but it didn’t make any sense. How was that possible? I had to have been dreaming, surely. Shaking my head with disbelief, I continued to eavesdrop, just to confirm that I really was hearing them.

“Look, Twilight, how long are we going to be out here monitoring this dude? We’ve been here for two weeks already, I’m so bored! Can we please just get this show on the road already?”

“Keep it down, Rainbow! Look, I know you’re bored, but we can’t take any chances. Not only are we on a new planet, we’re in a whole new dimension! There’s just no telling how many dangers there are here, things could go south real fast if we aren’t careful. I want to learn as much as I can about these humans before we take the next step.”

Hearing this, my mouth went dry and I began to feel dizzy. They had been here for two whole weeks?

{What is happening?} I thought to myself, {What the hell is going on?}

There was no doubt about it now, I was listening to the Mane Six. These voices belonged to the six ponies from the show, they were here, right here in my garden, just on the other side of this shed. That’s what had spooked the chickens, Chilli had found them, and it had been Twilight Sparkle that singed her whiskers, in a bid to remain hidden. I almost dropped dead from astonishment there and then. With my mouth agape, I also realised that that was why I had felt like I was being watched earlier.

But it still didn’t make any sense, how could six cartoon ponies be behind my garden shed? It just wasn’t possible. As I tried to make heads or tails of the situation, the mixture of confusion and joy within me became twinged with a hint of nausea. Was any of this even real? Had I lost my mind? I certainly hadn’t taken any drugs, so maybe I had actually gone doolally tap? Perhaps all the abuse, and persistent longing for an escape, had at long last driven me over the edge, spurred on by my frequent daydreaming about going to Equestria. It was as though my brain was trying to take me there manually. I started to feel angry with myself; how dare I be so weak-willed and openly deluded. Refusing to be driven mad, I pinched myself over and over and gave my head a hard jolt. But try as I might, the ponies continued to speak to one another, with the sound of Applejack’s voice now taking the forefront.

“I’ve gotta say Twi, this whole shebang about dimensions and aliens is whizzing over my head. All I know is that the Princess sent us here to find that darn Orb, and that this human fella can help us. If she said Callum’s the guy for the job, then we may as well bring him into the fold already. Surely even you can agree with that logic?”

{Wait-wait-wait… Princess Celestia!?} I shrieked in thought, almost crying it aloud, {She knows me? She sent them here to find… me!?}

How could she have known me? Had she been spying on me? This was all too much to handle, it was too confusing and too impossible to remain idle. The urge to actually see them for myself was so overpowering that I was shaking. Clutching the sides of my head, I trembled as I kept on listening. Twilight was now arguing with the Applejack, clearly trying to hold on to her decision to remain hidden. Rainbow Dash then jumped back in, pointing out that they would learn more from me in a few minutes than they had in the past two weeks, and eventually, it seemed like they were winning her over.

“Come along Twilight!” Rarity’s voice piped up, “If we were to have just one little chat with him, we’d learn more in that conversation than we would in a whole month of watching him like this! It’s hardly like we have much to fear from him, considering all we’ve been through together.”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash loudly agreed, “Are you forgetting who we are? We’re the frickin’ Elements of Harmony! We’ve saved Equestria like, loads of times! We’ve dealt with Nightmare Moon, Discord, the changelings… Face it, we’re badasses! Are you seriously afraid of some big furless monkey? Come on, let’s just talk to him already!”

To this, I shuddered. I may have been just one ‘big furless monkey’, but if these girls knew just how dangerous my species could be, they would be backing Twilight’s approach without question. From our numerous wars, to crime statistics, to slavery, to terrorism, oh, the list was endless. It would take a lifetime to list all the abhorrent things we humans had done, both to this world, and to each other. That said, they thankfully wouldn’t be finding such things in my garden, and after a time, Twilight seemed to think so too. With a loud sigh, she at last gave in to the pressure of her friends.

“Look, you all have some good points, I just think… I guess that… Oh, you know what? Fine! We’ll talk to him, okay? But I don’t know when exactly… If we are going to talk to him, then we still need to find a way to get him out here alone.”

I couldn’t take it any more, this was my moment. With a deep breath, I stood up and came out from around the shed to face them; to face a dream in reality.

“There’s no need, Twilight. I’m already out here.”

All six of them gasped, turning to stare in shock as I revealed myself to them. I too, inhaled deeply as I saw them at last. It was… It was like nothing I could possibly imagine. How one might go about describing this moment was beyond me, for I was looking at something truly inconceivable. Even in the low light of the setting sun, they stood out to me like six bright candles in an otherwise pitch black room, their faces dancing with fright and caution, unsure what to make of my sudden appearance.
They looked like… well, I couldn’t quite describe it, they were just so real! And yet, they were just like they were in the show; Rainbow Dash’s mane and tail were the same bright vivid pastel colours, Pinkie Pie was indeed a bright hot pink, and Rarity’s purple mane was curled in its usual fashion. Applejack was wearing her signature cowboy hat, and Fluttershy was watching me anxiously from behind the cover of her large salmon pink mane. Come to think of it, they looked quite similar to their three-dimensional counterparts in Source Filmmaker, just more real. That was the only way I could describe it, they looked real, because they were real.

No one said anything, and I noticed that they were all slowly backing away from me.

“Please don’t be afraid!” I blurted out, “I’m not going to hurt you!”

Gulping, Twilight was the first to speak.

“Callum? Uh, you… were you spying on us? How much of that did you hear?”

Her pupils and irises had shrunk in size, just as they did in the show when ponies were afraid. If I weren’t so shocked myself, I’d probably have pointed out the irony that she had been the one spying on me. Glancing past her at the others, it dawned on me that they all had the same expression. Well, all except for Rainbow Dash, who seemed quite calm after getting over the initial surprise. However, with how nervous the rest of them were, I realised that I needed to say something, and quickly. With a gulp, I forced myself past the shock and spoke as calmly as I could.

“I didn’t hear much, only that you’ve been here a couple weeks and want to learn more about me, that’s all I heard.”

Exhaling, I fought to remain composed. My heart was pounding in my chest, and the urge to run towards them in excited greeting was almost overpowering, but I had to stay put, and show them that I was harmless. And then, an idea came to me. Clearing my throat, I decided to quote the cartoon, hoping that I could spark a sense of familiarity.

“Look, I’m not sure how well you know me, but I promise, I’m no threat to you… I Pinkie promise.”

It seemed to work a treat, as the corners of Pinkie’s lips turned up into a little grin, and everyone seemed to relax a bit. Rainbow Dash even took a step towards me, now totally calm and confident.

“You see Twilight, what did I tell you? Nothing to be afraid of.”

Nervously looking her way, I dared to ask what any brony in my shoes would have asked.

“This probably sounds a bit ridiculous to you, but… are you… are you actually real?”

Smirking, the pegasus walked right up to me and held out her hoof for me to feel.

“Really real, dude.”

With a shudder, I lifted my arm and prepared to make my first physical contact. I hesitated at first, not wanting this dream to end, but I persisted and gradually reached out, finally touching it. The tip of the hoof was firm, and the surrounding fur was short and velvety. I’d have tried to feel the underside of it too, but I didn’t want to be impolite or intrusive, especially as the show had depicted Rainbow Dash as having sensitive hooves. The dream didn’t end, and as I respectfully let go and looked into Dashie’s eyes, I was struck in full force by a rushing cascade of emotions. My eyes started to water and my heart swelled with joy, more than joy; this experience was rapturous to me, as though I were a man of faith, looking upon the very face of God. My world, from this moment, was forever changed. Overjoyed, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking out into a huge grin, and the tears finally began to flow.

{This is really happening…} I thought to myself, {They’re real! This is all real!}

Aside from Twilight, who continued to keep her distance, the others relaxed and came forward to greet me, now convinced that they were safe in my company. They all stood together in front of me, with Rarity being next to speak.

“We’ve been keeping an eye on you for quite some time.” she said with a flick of her mane, “However, Twilight’s magic can only gather so much information, we’ve all been dying to meet you properly! Please, tell us more about yourself.”

To that, I didn’t know how to reply, it wasn’t every day one was questioned by Rarity for crying out loud! I had to say something though before it got awkward, and so I used Spike’s handy line from the very first episode of the show.

“Well, what do you want to know?”

As I waited for a response, I looked from pony to pony, and noticed a strange look in Rainbow Dash’s eyes. I had no idea what she was thinking, but I could tell that she was clearly thinking hard, for her whole demeanour had changed, like she was studying me for some reason. For a brief moment, it was like the world didn’t even exist to her as she searched desperately for something in me, not that I knew what that was. Just as I began to feel uncomfortable, my attention was drawn back to Rarity as she gave her answer.

“Well, thanks to Twilight’s magic we know your name is Callum, and that you share the latter name of Horncastle with your family. We’ve learned that you live with your mother and your brother, and that you spend a lot of time interacting with those curious gadgets of yours, watching moving pictures, and sometimes interacting with them. We’ve also come to gather that you’re athletic to some degree, having seen your swimming abilities, and also that fighting sport you partake in, boxing, is that right?”

I gave her a nod to confirm, only for her to confess that that was as much as they knew. Furrowing my brow, I thought about my swimming session earlier, and then my eyes shot wide open. It was Rainbow Dash I had seen in the clouds, she had followed me to the K-Two and watched me from above!

“I saw you.” I breathed, pointing to the cyan pegasus, “Today. You were up in the clouds. I saw you, but I didn’t realise it was…”

Trailing off, I let out a small huff, totally gobsmacked. Grinning proudly, she shamelessly admitted that it was indeed her, and that Twilight had been using her as a portable set of binoculars, tracking me wherever I went and observing my activities. Tutting, I shook my head, utterly baffled. I then tried to reply to Rarity, only for Pinkie Pie to launch herself forward and start bouncing in front of me.

“Ooh, what kind of food do you guys eat? Huh? Huh?”

I opened my mouth, only to be halted by a harrowing thought. If she was asking this, then the ponies weren’t yet aware that I ate meat. How would they respond to such a thing? The last thing I wanted was to horrify them with the revelation that humans were meat-eating omnivores. The thought of Fluttershy’s reaction alone was enough to make my skin prickle.

“Well, erm… I’m pretty sure we eat mostly similar foods?” I said at last, telling only half the truth, “You know, bread, grains, fruit, vegetables, nuts, cheeses, that sort of thing.”

Thankfully, before I had to elaborate any further, I heard the door open back at the house, followed by my mother’s dreaded voice booming across the garden.

“Oi Callum! I told you to put the chickens away, not go fucking camping!”

Hanging my head, I looked at all the ponies, and they all looked at me; they knew that I had to go. But, I had an idea. I knew for a fact that Jan was off to pay a visit to my uncle tomorrow, and my brother wouldn’t be home for another few days yet, as he was staying at his friend’s house. Explaining this to the girls, I asked if they would like to come in tomorrow. Twilight opened her mouth, clearly about to refuse, when Pinkie Pie suddenly broke out into a hyperactive fit, utterly possessed with glee.

“Ooh yes, yes! I would love to! I can’t wait to see the inside of an alien’s house! What’s it like in there? Is it all snuggly-wuggly with big alien furniture and a massive alien kitchen full of tasty alien food and-”

“Alright-alright now, simmer down, Pinkie.” laughed Applejack, giving her frenetic friend a nudge.

She then looked at me sternly, and asked if it was well and truly safe to come in.

“It’ll be safe, I promise.” I replied, dipping my head, “You could just come in for a few hours, plenty of time to talk and get to know each other better. Oh, and I have tons of books, so even after you leave, you can take those with you if you like?”

That’s what got Twilight’s attention, there were books. Now, she couldn’t refuse.

“Ugh, alright!” she huffed, “Just be sure to call for us when you’re absolutely sure it’s safe. Oh, and before you go, can I cast a monitoring spell on you? It’s just for vitals, body temperature, heart rate, electrodermal activity, that sort of thing. Oh, and it’ll allow me to see through your eyes, so I can observe what you’re doing.”

“Oh, uh… sure I guess.” I murmured, caught off-guard.

“Thanks.” she replied, “I’ve been able to cast one on you before, but I wasn’t able to get very good results. It’s quite a delicate spell, and sadly it dissipated shortly after I cast it, after your mother, uh… hit you.”

The ponies all grimaced, and Rainbow Dash came up to me with a sorrowful expression on her face.

“How can she do that to you? How do you just… take it?”

I looked at her and gave her an assuring smile, to show her that I wasn’t in any pain.

“It’s just the way things are. It’s fine, I’m used to it.”

“That don’t make it right though!” Applejack protested.

Moving beyond the sentiment, Twilight stepped forward to proceed with casting the spell. She closed her eyes and her horn started to glow, and I began to feel a warm sensation run across my skin. Holding my hands out in front of me, I watched as my skin faintly glowed a chalky white colour, which then sank beneath the surface and filled me with tiny buzzing sensations. And then, just like that, it all faded away, leaving me feeling completely normal, save for the excitement that now rushed through me.

{Holy shit… that was magic!} I thought to myself. {Real, legitimate, unicorn magic!}

This was insane… With a gulp, I stood back and blinked rapidly, still finding this all very hard to believe.

“You’d better go now.” said Twilight.

Agreeing, I took one last look at the ponies, savouring the moment. I then inhaled deeply through my nose and dipped my head in farewell, before turning away and making my way towards the house.

“Are you positive it’s safe for us to come in tomorrow, dear?” Rarity called after me.

Whipping around, I grinned merrily and called back to her.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

I performed the accompanying gesture and they all burst into happy smiles, with Pinkie Pie gasping loudly.

“He knows my thing!” she squealed, bouncing up and down, “Did you see that, girls? He knows my thing!”

Turning around once more, I walked away for good, with my face now sporting a grin of my own that stretched from ear to ear.


Was this… my new beginning?





> Chapter Two: Unexpected Visitors
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





{Did that all really just happen?} I thought to myself, {Or have I just had a complete psychotic breakdown?}

No, I had felt Rainbow Dash’s hoof, I had really felt it, it was much too real to be a delusion. Taking one look back, I found them to be gone, but perhaps Twilight was just using a cloaking spell of some sort? How else could they have remained hidden back there for the past two weeks?

{Guess I’ll find out tomorrow.} I thought, opening the back door and stepping inside the house.

“And where have you been?” Jan demanded as I closed the door behind me.

“Putting the chickens to bed, like you asked me to.” I replied, giving an innocent shrug.

“Yeah, and fucking them too with how long you took!” she spat, “Why didn’t you come back right away?”

“Because you locked the door.” I clapped back, “There was no point in coming back, so I went for a little evening stroll, is that alright with you?”

Storming up to me, my bold tone and rhetorical question had clearly irked her. Upon her approach, I picked up the stench of whiskey, Jack Daniel's to be specific, her favourite. She was drunk, and terribly so.

“Go to bed.” she ordered.

“Mum, it’s not even ten o’clock yet.”

Once again, I found myself being smacked across the face. It wasn’t all that hard, quite pathetic actually; it had been more of a warning than a proper attack. If I argued further with her, stronger strikes were sure to follow. It was more of a subconscious reaction for her at this point, to just impulsively lash out at anything that didn’t suit her narrative. Amusingly, she then went off to the lounge to watch TV, not even bothering if I went to bed or not. For once, I felt sadder than I usually did for the way she treated me. I thought back to just a few moments ago, when the ponies had spoken about it. ‘How can she treat another of her kind like that, her own son for that matter?’ Rarity had said.

Applejack too, had said how wrong this was, and that me getting used to it didn’t make it right. It would seem that the ponies’ good nature had given me something of a reality check, which in all retrospect, was utterly absurd; talking ponies, real life talking alien ponies, were giving me a better grasp on reality. It was enough to shake me from my sadness, and laugh to myself quietly. And then, a rather concerning thought abruptly halted my laughter.

{Oh shit, Twilight’s spell! What if that smack dispelled it?}

Gulping, I ran to the dining room, which had a large glass sliding door that faced out to the garden. Clearing my throat, I spoke quietly, hoping that Twilight could somehow hear me.

“Hey, so uh… I don’t know how this works exactly, or if you can even hear me. But Twilight, if you’re still there, I’m worried about the spell. Can you shine a light or something? Just to let me know if it’s still okay.”

After a brief moment without any response, I was relieved to see a faint magenta glow at the back of the garden. It was only there for a moment, and then it was gone.

“Well okay then.” I hummed, turning away.

Magic… The mere thought of the word made me quiver with wonder. This all had so many implications on the reality of not just my life, but the whole universe. There really was magic in the world, which meant all sorts of things were possible. There were so many cultures and legends across history that referred to magic-wielding individuals, from Medieval Europe’s Merlin and Virgil, to Ancient Greece’s many demigods, and ‘miracle working’ philosophers like Apollonius of Tyana. Even West Africa had Soumaoro Kanté, the Sorcerer King. Perhaps stories in the Bible could be attributed to magic as well? Maybe Moses really did exist in all his merits, and rather than being aided by God, he had simply parted the Red Sea himself!

Magic aside, the ponies themselves were here now, which implied that there was more than one plane of existence! How many other worlds existed out there? Were there more human-created ones? If Equestria existed, then it was perfectly reasonable to assume that there might be a Middle-Earth out there too, or a Cybertron, or an Azeroth, or even a Galaxy Far Far Away!

The list of possibilities was endless, but before I could lose myself in the theoretical hysteria, I remembered that I was now being monitored, and didn’t want to stand here awkwardly, absorbed in thought. Seeing as I had been instructed to go to bed, I thought I might as well, and took myself up to my bedroom. Far too excited to sleep, I sat at my desk and turned my laptop on.

{I’d better be careful with what I do on this…} I thought anxiously, putting my mouth to one side.

It felt awfully strange knowing that Twilight was currently seeing everything that I was seeing, especially as she had secretly used this spell on me before, she could’ve seen anything over these past two weeks. Thank goodness that I hadn’t been watching any porn recently, that would’ve been awkward; I had been feeling so depressed lately that I hadn’t been in the mood for such things.

After sinking an hour into an old video game called Spore (of which I saw no harm in playing), I got into bed. Switching off the light, I got under the covers and closed my eyes, and drifted off wondering about what tomorrow would bring, and just how potentially life-changing it could be…


I woke early the next day to a loud banging noise. It was coming from the room next to mine; my brother’s room. Groaning, I rolled out of bed and stretched, before changing into a fresh set of clothes and choosing to investigate. As I went for the door handle, I noticed that the banging had now stopped. Still curious, I opened my door and stepped out, which was when a hand came from around the corner and smacked me square in the forehead.

“Rise and shine, dick wad!”

Following the hand, came my brother’s goofy face, plastered with a cheesy grin.

“Ugh, morning Oliver.” I grumbled.

“You’re up early.” my brother said cheerily, “I thought your sad little mug didn’t surface ‘til noon?”

“It doesn’t usually.” I admitted, “I was woken by all the noise. What the hell were you doing in there?”

“Training, duh.” he replied, “You know I’ll be joining the Royal Marines next year, I was practising my moves!”

Springing up, Oliver clenched his fists and started to box the air. He then threw a punch that missed my nose by mere millimetres, with my obvious reaction being to move my head backwards to avoid it.

“Uh-uh, you flinched!”

Without a hint of warning, Oliver punched me in the gut, hard, causing me to bend over in pain, now winded. He did this a fair amount, in a brotherly activity he called ‘testing my measure’, in which he would constantly attempt to make me flinch, and punish me if I did.

“What did I ever do to you, Oliver?” I wheezed, trying to hold back tears.

“You were born.” was his reply.

He then noticed my eyes watering, and let out an irritated groan.

“Really? Man up Callum, it was just a gut-punch. I thought you were a bloody boxer! Seriously Bro, I’ve seen wet paper with more durability, I reckon you’d lose a fight against a fuckin’ summer breeze.”

Delving into a bit, Oliver pulled his phone out of his pocket and pretended to talk to someone else over a walkie-talkie. He threw on a stupid gravelly American accent, as though he were some sort of cantankerous Drill Sergeant.

“Hello, Corporal? Yeah, I’ve got Private Pussy here. I’m putting out an official advisory to keep him away from strong winds as they’ll almost certainly be the death of him. What? No I don’t think he’ll survive the warfront, I just don’t want to do the paperwork!”

Despite the bit being a direct insult, I couldn’t help but find myself amused. Straightening myself up, I looked him in the eye and sniffed, refusing to show weakness.

“I thought you were at Andrew’s?” I asked croakily.

“Yeah I am.” he confirmed, speaking normally and leaning against the door frame, “I just forgot something, so I came back to get it. Don’t worry, you’ll have the whole house to yourself to cry about how much you ‘hate your life’, or whatever it is you do when you’re alone.”

“Mainly I just wank over your bedsheets.”

To this, he raised his chin and looked away dreamily.

“Explains the smell…”

He then looked back at me cautiously, narrowing his eyes.

“Why do you ask? Planning on finally topping yourself? Well, successfully I mean.”

“Ouch.” I muttered dully with a blank expression, “I was just wondering, that’s all.”

Shrugging, he said that he’d be leaving in a few minutes after he packed a thing or two. He then went back into his room and started playing music from his phone, Black Betty by Ram Jam if I wasn’t mistaken; in spite of my ever-growing dislike for him, there was no denying that my brother had good taste in music.

I headed downstairs and greeted Chilli, of whom was very happy to see me. She stood on her hind legs and pawed at my knees until I squatted down to give her a cuddle. Archer then decided to follow suit, lumbering over to me in order to give me a friendly dog-kiss, engulfing the right side of my face with his enormous tongue.

“Thanks buddy…” I grumbled, shaking my head.

Scratching the deerhound’s neck and giving him a few pats, I got up and went to eat breakfast. Not wanting to spark another row over sausages, I poured myself some cereal and sat down in the dining room. I looked out the glass door while I munched away, and peered over to Dad’s old shed. Knowing the ponies were behind it, probably watching me, I couldn’t help but mumble quietly.

“Morning guys. Are you uh… still out there?”

In seconds, I saw a flash of hot pink as Pinkie Pie stuck her head out, only for it to be tugged away by one of the others. Needless to say, I was now absolutely beaming, so much in fact that it became difficult to finish my cereal. I had never felt this kind of joy in all my life, not even on Christmas morning. Last night had felt like a fever dream, but now I knew for certain that I was fully awake and lucid.

The Mane Six were real, and they were in my garden.


After eating, I went to the kitchen and put my bowl in the dishwasher. I then heard footsteps from above me, followed by my brother shouting from the top of the stairs.

“Tally ho!”

An earth-shattering thud rippled through the house. My brother had been jumping down the stairs since he was about seven, even though it had been strictly forbidden. Alas, Oliver being Oliver, he quite simply didn’t give a shit. In his own words, ‘If you can afford hard-wood floors, then you can afford someone damaging your hard-wood floors.’

Within moments, there was a new set of footsteps, followed by my mother’s now-livid voice.

“How many times have I told you about jumping down those fucking stairs!?”

Charging into the hallway, I confronted Oliver, knowing full-well that I would be the one receiving the blame for his sloppy acrobatics.

“Well done Oliver, now you’ve pissed her off!”

Unfazed, he puckered his lips and closed his eyes, before speaking in an archaic tone.

“Ah yes, t’is I who woke the dragon. But alas, it shalt be thou who’ll face its wrath. Later, fuckface!”

He jumped out through the doorway, took a little bow, and then slammed the door shut. I then turned around just as my mother reached the bottom of the stairs. She was utterly fuming, and judging from the state of her, she had clearly passed out drunk again last night, and was very much hungover. Wrinkling my nose in anticipation, I prepared myself for a good hiding.

“What have I said about jumping down the stairs?”

“It was Oliver.” I said calmly, “He just-”

“Don’t you dare lie to me!” she yelled, striding towards me, “Oliver’s at Andrew’s, you stupid, stupid boy!”

Grabbing me by the hair, she pulled me to one side and against the wall. I instinctively grabbed her wrist to make her let go, and she responded by smacking me thrice against the side of the head.

“GET OFF ME!” I yelled, unable to take it any more.

I tried to get away from her and she shoved me with both hands, to which I fell over and smacked the back of my head against the radiator. Crying out for a second time, I remained on my knees and covered my face to protect it from any further assault.

“Oh grow up, you’re not hurt!” she snapped, “You’re such a wimp!”

She sounded as though she couldn’t care less, but as I looked up between my fingers at her, I spotted an exceedingly rare emotion in her eyes, remorse. As rare as finding six alien ponies in the garden, this wicked old hag had actually felt guilty for what she had done. The beating stopped, and without another word, Jan stormed off upstairs. Sniffing, I picked myself up and headed into the kitchen to grab an ice pack from the freezer; my head was already throbbing from where it had hit the radiator, and I feared the girls would notice if I was in pain. Although, if Twilight could see through my eyes, then there was every chance she had just seen what had happened, to which there would be no hiding this from them.

After a few minutes upstairs, my mother came back down, now dressed in some casual clothes, as opposed to her usual wine-stained dressing gown.

“I’m going to Paul’s, I’ll be back tomorrow.” she told me, “Touch any of my drinks, and you’re out of the house for good, do you hear me?”

She wasn’t bluffing either, for she had done it before. When I was thirteen, I had poured all the wine down the sink because I couldn’t cope with the drinking anymore, and she had beaten me senseless for it until I was black and blue. After that, she kicked me out into the garden, and I was forced to sleep in the shed for five very miserable nights. Oliver, for all his misgivings, was totally against the banishment, and had consistently brought me leftovers from dinner to keep me fed at least. He even brought me my laptop, so I could at least use that to keep me occupied. It was only when dad returned home from a business trip did he realise that I had been locked outside. I was let back in immediately, and the following argument between him and Mum was insane, it was a wonder the police weren’t called. Jan had never apologised for doing it, and I knew in my heart that she never would.

Not bothering to say goodbye, my mum slammed the front door shut and marched off to the driveway. Zipping into the living room, I watched out the window as she clambered into her car, started the engine, and drove away; home alone at last…

Sighing with relief, I had a little cry to myself, and then prepared to host six very unexpected guests; this was hardly going to be a conventional Sunday morning! Running from room to room, I made the place look as neat and tidy as possible. I wanted to give them as warm a welcome as possible, especially Twilight, as she still seemed the most wary of me. As I tidied my room, I gathered a cluster of books that I thought would be useful to her, and piled them up in one corner. After that, I decided it was time. Heading back downstairs, I opened the back door and stepped into the garden.

Now ecstatic, I found myself quivering with excitement, as though Jan’s violent outburst earlier hadn’t even occurred. To think, in just a matter of seconds I was going to see the Mane Six again, and it would truly confirm for good that everything I had experienced so far was real. Standing in the middle of the garden, equally distanced between the house and the shed, I waved both my arms and called out.

“Okay girls, it’s all safe! You can come out now!”

I took a safe bet and guessed which pony would be the first to reveal herself, and I was right, as Pinkie Pie bounced out from behind the shed, squeaking with joy. The next to emerge was Rainbow Dash, followed by Applejack, and Rarity. Fluttershy and Twilight then anxiously came out together, and although I had foreseen Fluttershy’s nervousness, I was certainly taken aback by Twilight’s, she looked utterly terrified bless her. As they all made their approach, I could immediately tell that something was up with the unicorn, for her eyes were clouded with dread, of which I noticed from the second they were close enough to see clearly. She looked as though she had seen a ghost. It was a stark contrast between the others’ merry expressions, that was for sure. Something was off, and I very much wanted to know why. However, for now that could wait, as I was still yet to welcome them in.

“Please make yourselves at home.” I said with a wide smile, “Just uh, be sure to wipe your hooves on the mat before you come in.”

I had meant it in a more humorous manner, but upon saying it, I thought of how my mother might react to finding hoof prints in the house of all things. Thankfully it wouldn’t come to that, and as I opened the back door and held it open for them, they all heeded my instruction. Pinkie then whizzed past me, zooming from room to room and gasping at all a human house had to offer. Rarity then stepped through, thanking me for holding the door.

“Such a gentlecolt…” she remarked.

Dipping my head, I chuckled, but chose not to correct her. I would teach them the differences in human dialect later when we were more acquainted. Applejack and Rainbow then entered, thanking me as well, followed by Fluttershy, who looked at me cautiously as she went by. She didn’t say anything, but she did give me a thankful expression, indicating that she was simply too shy to speak. I was sure that with time, she would become more relaxed. It was then that Twilight entered, of whom had purposefully waited until the others had gone in first. Stepping halfway through the door, she paused for a moment, and then turned to look at me, eyeing me up and down.

“Everything okay?” I asked, somewhat unsettled.

After a moment of squinting at me in silence, she finally replied.

“I guess that remains to be seen.”

She then leaned towards me, and her fretful eyes began to emanate a hostile glare.

“Look…” she said quietly, “I’m going to be honest with you. I know what you’re capable of, and I know you aren’t the sort of creature to be trusted. You say you’re not a threat, but I don’t believe that for a second. I just want you to know that whatever happens, I am willing to defend myself.”

A jolt of icy dread shot up my spine, enough to litter my skin from head to toe with goosebumps. What the hell was she implying, that I would attack her!? Gulping, I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even begin to construct a reasonable defence for myself, I simply nodded and told her that I understood. Raising her chin, Twilight strode past me to join the others, leaving me to close the door behind her. Shaking my head in confusion, I tried to fathom what she was talking about. What did she mean ‘I wasn’t the sort of creature to be trusted’? Was I not the first human the ponies had interacted with? Or perhaps they had been told about us, and of the harrowing atrocities that we were indeed capable of? In just a few words from Twilight, the entire tone surrounding the ponies’ visit had been altered. Now, I wasn’t exactly the best at reading certain social queues, but if there was one thing I had gained from the years of battling my autism, it was that I had developed an astute sense of situational awareness. As such, I had learned in just this one brief interaction, that something sinister was afoot.

The ponies hadn’t come here for any good reason, they were here because something was wrong.


Pushing past the fear, I had to remain calm. There were five other ponies here who were clearly oblivious to the underlying seriousness of their visitation, and I wanted to cater to them as best as possible. Heading into the living room where they had gathered, I offered them something to eat. Most of them turned down the offer as they had recently eaten, but Pinkie Pie was all too eager to taste human food. At an ear-piercing volume, she sprang forward and asked if we had any cupcakes.

“I’m afraid not.” I laughed awkwardly, “But as it happens, I do have something of a cake. Would you like some?”

She nodded her head frantically, and I went and retrieved the cake from the fridge. It was a Colin the Caterpillar Cake, an iconic sweet treat that was a staple in this country. Consisting of a chocolate sponge roll, filled with buttercream and coated in a milk chocolate shell, the cake was made to resemble a happy little caterpillar, complete with multiple feet and a smiling face made from white chocolate. Oliver had acquired the cake just the other day, despite there being no occasion for it; his argument had been that there was no reason not to buy a cake. ‘It’s one of life’s greatest secrets’ he had told me, ‘you don’t need an occasion. When you’re an adult, you can just buy a cake, whenever you want, and no one will stop you!’

Showing the cake to Pinkie, the mare stared at it intensely, and by the time I had cut a slice for her, I had received sheepish requests from Applejack and Rarity, asking if they could have one as well. This was followed by Fluttershy, who was finally able to bring herself to speak to me.

“Um… c-can… can I have a piece?”

Beaming at her, I assured her that she most certainly could, and before long, everyone bar Twilight were tucking into a piece of Colin. They all loved it, with Pinkie demanding a second slice. After that, I showed them up to my room, where we finally got down to brass tax.

“Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room.” I said, clearing my throat, “What are you all doing here?”

With Twilight already stuck between the pages of my AQA Science textbook, it was up to one of the others to answer, and most curiously, it was Fluttershy who began.

“Well, um… something from our world, um, something important…”

She paused, took an inward breath, and then continued in a much calmer voice.

“Something belonging to our world came here, not long ago. We don’t know where it is exactly, but we’ve been sent here to find it.”

Patting the yellow pegasus on the back, Rarity silently praised her for speaking up. She then took over, hoping to clear things up a little more.

“You see darling, a rather drastic incident has befallen our home. A few weeks ago, there was a breakout from Tartarus, a prison of sorts, one for the most nefarious of evildoers I assure you. There were a few escapees from what we were told, and one of them broke into a sacred vault, deep below Canterlot, where it proceeded to banish a relic from our world. It came to this realm, your realm, and we’ve been instructed by the Princess to come and collect it.”

Taking a second to breathe, Rarity looked at her fellow ponies, of whom seemed about as confused as I was. It would seem they had been sent on a task beyond their own comprehension.

“Thankfully,” Rarity continued, “the Princess knew precisely where to look, as your world has a rather strong connection to ours. Supposedly we’ve been here before, not that we know all too much about that. But anyway, I digress, the item we’re looking for is of paramount importance, it was made by the Holy Titans themselves!”

“Hang on a second…” I interrupted, furrowing my brow, “Did you just say, you’ve been here before?”

The pearly white unicorn looked at the floor, clearly thinking hard on the matter.

“Erm, why yes, though I’m afraid it’s a little confusing. I say ‘supposedly’ because none of us can actually remember anything about it. As far as we know, we came to visit this world some time last year, but for what, or why, we simply do not know.”

Reading my expressions, Rarity knew that I was about to ask how such a thing could be possible, and so she pressed on, explaining what little she knew.

“The Princess you see, she thought it was best for us not to remember what happened, something about ‘irreversible damages’ or some such. To cut a long story short, she removed our memories. The only thing we know is that we were here on Earth for about an hour or so, and then we returned. What actually happened during that hour is quite the mystery, even to us.”

{Holy shit…} I thought to myself, almost murmuring it aloud.

It may have been a mystery to them, but to me, I had a pretty good idea of what happened. Casting my mind back to last night, I thought of how Rainbow Dash had been looking at me with such perplexity, searching for something. The pegasus then spoke, and what she said only confirmed the theory.

“It’s weird though, ever since we got here, I keep getting this feeling, like I’ve been here before. There’s something about all this human stuff that feels normal to me, you know? Honestly, sitting here with you now, this all feels familiar… like, as if I’ve lived in a human house before or something.”

There was no ‘or something’ about it, I knew exactly why she was feeling like this. A shiver rippled through my body as a most mind-bending truth dawned on me. Bearing the same intense expression from yesterday, the cyan pegasus looked at me, and I could see what she could not, lingering unknown behind those puzzled eyes. All of it, fifteen years, gone from her mind. I found myself once again clouded with emotion and my eyes grew misty, as they always did when I read the brony community’s most beloved fanfiction; a simple, humble tale, between a human father and his adopted pony daughter.

A bittersweet tale, by the title of My Little Dashie…





{This can’t be…} I thought to myself, {How the bloody hell can a fanfiction be real?}

Such a notion was utterly absurd, and yet with the given evidence, it was the most logical answer. I was beset with a wave of dizziness, totally unprepared for yet another layer to this already crazy and complex turn of events.

“You alright there, Sugarcube?” said Applejack, “You’re looking a bit pale.”

Brought back to my senses, I blinked rapidly and took in a sharp breath.

“Yeah I’m fine, sorry. I’m just struggling to wrap my head around all this. I’m processing, you know? Please Rarity, go on, you said something about Titans?”

Nodding, the unicorn continued, to which I was told even more brain-shattering information. As it happened, Equestria was merely a country, belonging to the much wider world of Equus, which in turn had been created by six gods, known as the Holy Titans of Harmony. Amidst the creation of their world, the Titans had created a relic, an orb, made from a crystalline material known as titanstone. Simply known as the Titans’ Orb, its purpose was to generate a field around the planet, which prevented all foreign entities from passing through. In other words, it was a mighty shield that protected all of Equus from the many supernatural evils that dwelled out beyond the stars.

As I took in all this new information, I quietly studied the ponies and the expressions they wore. Not one of them seemed to have any confidence, as though they weren’t sure where to begin when it came to locating this ‘Titans’ Orb’. From what I could gather, coming to me had been their first port of call, and that was the greatest mystery to me thus far; why on earth had Celestia sent them to me of all people? If only I could ask her myself.

{Blimey…} I thought, {To lay eyes on Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun…}

The thought had me tingling with excitement, I’d do anything to have such an honour. That was when the thought hit me; what if I could go back with them after this, to Equestria? And then as quickly as it had flashed in my mind, the idea was shot down, as I remembered what the Princess had said to Rainbow’s human father at the end of My Little Dashie…

‘He cannot join you in our world, much like how you cannot stay in his.’

If that story really did happen, then it was already established, I would never be permitted a life on Equus. Besides, it wasn’t my place to expect such a thing; the girls had come here to retrieve something important, and then return home. Still, even if I couldn’t go to Equestria, I would help them nonetheless, there was nothing left for me here. I had been miserably wasting away for years now, with nary a shred of hope for a happy future. Well, this was my chance to change that, this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to change my stars, and I was taking it.

“So, this Orb… I’m guessing you need my help finding it?”

“In a word, yes.” said Rarity, “Yes we do.”

Nodding my head, I asked if they had any clue where it might be. Coincidentally, Twilight at that very moment finished with my science book and chose to insert herself into the conversation, putting the tome down and taking the time to elaborate.

“It’s not so simple.” she said, “It wasn’t sent here in one piece. Before being cast from our dimension to yours, the Titans’ Orb was broken into six individual fragments. These fragments were then scattered across your planet, and not just in different places, but in different times too.”

“Times?” I echoed, “You’re saying these pieces travelled through time?”

“Sort of.” she hummed, licking her bottom lip, “Thanks to the old research of Star Swirl the Bearded, we’ve come to learn that time distorts between dimensions. Travelling between them is dangerous, and requires very powerful magic to do safely. From the little data Princess Celestia was able to gather, it seems that every fragment of the Orb was affected. All six of them came here in a different place, at a different time. That’s why the Princess sent us to you, she believes that you can help us navigate this world of yours, and keep us from danger.”

“Across the whole planet?” I gasped in disbelief.

With her desire to educate me now spent, Twilight simply nodded and went back to reading, moving on to my Autodesk Maya Basics Guide. Swallowing, I presumed that the group would want me to give my answer sooner rather than later, and so I gave it.

“Well count me in. When do we leave?”

“Whenever you’re ready I suppose.” said Applejack.

That made me think…

{I could just leave… I could get away from this place right now, and go see the whole world.}

I shivered with excitement. While I wasn’t a religious person, it was hard not to consider this as some sort of divine intervention, my true calling. But I couldn’t just leave, not without anyone knowing. No matter how horrible my family were, I didn’t want them to worry about where I had gone; I didn’t care so much about my mother, but Oliver deserved better than that. And what if my father miraculously came home after all these years? What if I never saw him again?

“What about my family?” I asked.

Rainbow Dash’s jaw nearly hit the floor, and she stared at me with disbelief.

“Seriously, with how awful they are to you? Dude, we’ve all seen how they treat you, it’s disgusting! Just this morning, that frickin’ monster attacked you! Seriously dude, you’ve gotta ditch ‘em!”

“Ah…” I sighed, “You saw that then, did you?”

Nodding, Rainbow sat upright and crossed her forelegs, similar to how a human would cross their arms in annoyance. Now that she had brought it to mind, my head started throbbing again, causing me to wince. Fluttershy noticed, and as I went to rub at the pulsating bump, she insisted that I allowed her to take a look at it.

“It’s fine, really.” I protested.

“Don’t be silly, I can see you’re in pain, now come here.” she ordered.

Her change in attitude caught me off-guard, and I found myself compelled by her sudden influx of authority. Coming to sit on the floor in front of her, I allowed the yellow pegasus to comb gently over my head with a hoof, and soon enough Fluttershy found the bump. She brushed it lightly with the rim of her hoof, causing me to flinch for a second time and emit a faint hiss through my teeth.

“Oh dear, this is definitely not fine.” she remarked, “It looks like there’s a little bird’s egg in your head!”

“Eh, I’ll be fine, honestly.” I grumbled, “Trust me, I’ve had worse.”

Hearing this, everyone’s faces sank, realising just how terrible my life must have been, living with such a heartless brute. Even Twilight, who had now made her enmity known, gave me a pensive look.

“How do you still care about them?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Applejack then spoke up, who actually defended my position.

“Rainbow, look, I ain’t saying how they treat him is fair, but they’re his family, no matter how gosh darn unkind they can be. Blood’s thicker than water and all that…”

Turning to me, she continued.

“I can understand why you wouldn’t want them worrying about you, right Sugarcube?”

Nodding, it was nice to know that at least one of them got it. I couldn’t stand my family, not one bit, but I didn’t want them endlessly questioning what became of me. My dad had already disappeared without a trace, it would be beyond cruel to make Oliver deal with that all over again.

“So what? You’re going to tell them you’re going on an adventure or something?” said Dashie.

That’s when a crazy idea popped into my head.

“Might be a bit drastic, but we could… I don’t know, fake my death?”

Everyone was caught off guard by that. They all recoiled in shock and Twilight’s book hit the floor. The ponies clearly weren’t ready for such a thing to be sprung upon them, but if they are going to travel around this planet with me, then they would have to get used to it. There was no telling where the road ahead would take us, but it would be foolish to think we would pass through it without bumping into death at some point. After a rather awkward silence, Applejack finally spoke up.

“Hun, are you sure you want to do that?”

After some hesitation, I doubled down and gave a confident nod. In response, the mare cleared her throat and blinked rapidly to disperse the glossiness in her eyes.

“But ain’t that worse? Making them think you’re dea-”

“Applejack, I honestly think it’s for the best.” I interrupted her, “I’d rather they believe I’m dead and move on, than be left forever wondering where I am, you know? Plus, if I’m to keep you all hidden, then it would hardly be ideal for me to be attached to a missing persons case, now would it? Trust me, it’s the right thing to do.”

My explanation was fully logical, and my words made sense to all. With a degree of reluctance, the girls saw no valid opposition to the plan, and so it was agreed that I would fake my death. However, we didn’t need to spring into action right away, and with there now being an awkward ripple amongst the group, I decided to change the subject.

“Look, we’re not in any rush. My mum’s not home until tomorrow, so we’ve got plenty of time to make a proper decision. Why don’t we focus on something else for now, yeah?”

Chuckling nervously, I suggested that it might be nice to get to know each other better before planning how best to kill me. A few of the girls laughed, with a dash of comedy helping to settle the uneasy atmosphere. Helping to move things along, Rarity pointed at my shoes and tilted her head.

“Well, ever since getting here, I have to ask. What is the purpose of those things attached to your paws?”

Doing my best not to laugh, I took off my shoe and presented it to her, and explained how humans didn’t have paws, they had hands and feet, both of which were much more sensitive compared to hooves. I proceeded to explain what shoes were, and why we wore them. The girls were all intrigued, and I asked if there was anything else anyone wanted to know, everyone was a bit stumped, and so I thought I’d ask one of them directly. Wanting to help her feel included, I singled out Twilight.

“Is there anything you’d like to know, Twilight?”

“No.” she said bluntly, not even bothering to look at me.

She continued to read away, and the others all stared at her, appalled by her brusqueness. After a moment of silence, she realised that everyone was staring at her, and it dawned on her how rude she’d been. With a sheepish expression, she tried rapidly to come up with a contribution.

“Say, this book, your Maya Guide, it covers something called Three-D animation. Can you humans really make these moving picture shows with nothing but digitally generated content?”

“Of course, we’ve been making Three-D films for years now!” I replied cheerily, “They’re made by people called animators. There are no cameras, no actors, and no sets, it’s all done at a desk by using something called CGI. Well, I say ‘no actors’, there are voice actors, who record their voices in a studio, which then gets added to the animation. I could put one on for you if you like?”

“Yes please.” she confirmed, her demeanour finally brightening, “It would be fascinating to see all these instructions come to fruition!”

With that, I escorted everyone down into the living room, where I gathered all the animated films and allowed them to choose one. It took them a while, but eventually Pinkie planted a hoof onto one of the options and broke into a wide smile.

“Hey, what about this one?”

“Ooh, good choice Pinkie!” I chuckled, taking out the disc.

Rolling my eyes, it dawned on me that this would now be the seventh time I had seen this. However, I was hardly complaining, for there were few better animated films than the one and only…


Kung Fu Panda.





> Chapter Three: Never Play Leapfrog
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





The credits came up, concluding my seventh viewing of Kung Fu Panda, and it turned out to be the perfect choice of film for everyone. There was enough fighting and humour to entertain Rainbow and Applejack, with enough well-written dialogue and emotional scenes to stimulate Twilight and Rarity. Even Fluttershy had been fully immersed, of whom I had expected to be less involved due to the violence; it would seem that I had vastly underestimated the ponies’ maturity.

“That was so cool!” Pinkie squealed, excitedly knocking her front hooves together.

“Eh, it was kind of cool, I guess.” said Dashie, leaning back and shrugging.

It was clear that she was trying to play down how much she had enjoyed it, which Pinkie didn’t pick up on whatsoever, scowling at the pegasus.

“No, it wasn’t ‘kind’ of cool, it was really cool!” she shouted.

The two were left to playfully squabble over what they thought of the film, while I took out the disc and returned it to its box, which I then put back with all the other DVDs. It was then that Twilight approached me, ironically bearing a terribly unapproachable expression.

“Hey uh, can we talk… alone?”

“Of course!” I replied merrily, “Let’s go somewhere more private.”

Quickly informing the others that I would only be gone for a few minutes, I led the way and escorted Twilight to my bedroom, shutting the door for additional privacy. This was a fantastic opportunity to finally connect with her, and hopefully get to the bottom of why she was so distrustful of me. Sitting on the bed, I gave the unicorn a warm smile.

“So, what’s up?” I asked, and then gestured to the carpeted floor, “Please, sit.”

Sadly, and just as I had anticipated, my friendliness rolled off the mare like water off a duck’s back. Choosing to remain standing, she looked me in the eye and frowned.

“It’s pretty clear that my behaviour has taken you by surprise. What, were you expecting me to act like that ridiculous cartoon? Did you expect this whole ordeal to be some happy little childlike fantasy?”

Trying my best to level with her, I shook my head quickly and shrugged.

“I don’t know what to expect, Twilight. I didn’t even think you were real until yesterday. I have no idea who you really are, or any of you for that matter. All I have to go on is what I’ve seen in that show, and at best, I would imagine you’re all at least somewhat similar. Personally I’d call that an educated guess, but if you want to set me straight, then by all means do so.”

Sighing in response, it was clear that she was trying to empathise with me, but was unable to do so very well. Wrinkling her nose and inhaling deeply, she went on to ask if I really wanted to know why she was so on edge, to which I opened my mouth to say yes. However, before I could get a word in, she continued anyway, implying that the question was rhetorical.

“The others don’t have a clue about what’s really going on. They think this is going to be some merry trip in an exciting new alien world, they’ve treated the past two weeks like it’s a damn vacation! But the Princess told me the truth. I’m the only one who knows how dangerous this place is, and what you humans are really like. I know all about your wars, and your crimes, and that even after tens of thousands of years as the only dominant species, you continue to butcher and ravage each other. You’ve driven countless species to extinction, and with each passing day, you devastate natural habitats in order to grow more food, and construct more buildings.”

With her lips trembling, Twilight blinked the tears from her eyes and looked at me, finishing her rant with all but a whisper.

“You’re not good, and I’m scared you’re going to hurt me and my friends.”

My heart broke for her, the poor thing really was terrified. It would seem that as leader of this group, Twilight had been subjected to all the gritty details and then some. By the sound of things, the Princess had given her the full monty when it came to humanity’s less pleasant attributes. Putting myself in her position, I could perfectly understand why she would hold me in such low esteem. Inhaling through my nose, I instructed her to look at me.

“You’re right to be afraid, this world is dangerous. But me?”

I placed a hand on my chest to add further emphasis, and slowly shook my head.

“I am not a threat to you. Now, I don’t expect you to believe that, nor do I expect you to trust me. But you trust the Princess, and she sent you to me. Why do you think she would do that, if I was going to hurt you?”

Furrowing her brow, Twilight couldn’t deny the logic, but it wasn’t enough, as she explained that it wasn’t inherently me as an individual she feared, but rather, she believed that my very nature would betray me. She trusted the Princess’s judgement, but in spite of that, she simply couldn’t shake a gut feeling that I would someday harm her. The words stung like icy needles; she genuinely thought I was some kind of beast, no different from a changeling, capable of being civilised just to keep appearances, but ultimately a monster.

“How can you be so sure?” I asked, “How can you just decide how good or bad I am?”

“Because I know what happens.” she snapped back, clenching her jaw.

“What?”

“If we fail this mission.” she said, shutting her eyes, “I know what happens…”

Her eyes opened, and she stared into mine with a burning hatred.

“… and it’s your fault.”

A shudder went through me, what did she mean by that? Swallowing, it dawned on me that Celestia must have told Twilight something awful, something about me. Whatever had been said, it had utterly traumatised the poor mare.

“Okay…” I breathed slowly, “So tell me, what happens?”

Twilight opened her mouth and jutted her head forward, as though she was on the verge of telling me, but regrettably, she receded back into her shell and refused to answer. Not wanting to push it, I held back on asking further questions. Whatever was going on here, I would find out soon enough, but for now I just needed to keep Twilight as close an ally as possible. She hadn’t pulled me aside to bond with me, it was to explain why she wasn’t as chirpy as one might expect, and it was perfectly justified. This was something of a wakeup call for me, and grounded me in my role; these ponies needed my guidance, and protection where necessary, they weren’t here to make friends. Of course, two things could be true, and if I ended up befriending the others then that was a bonus, but I needed to accept here and now that Twilight and I might never grow close, and that was okay.

“Well,” I huffed, “thank you for telling me as much as you have. I really appreciate it.”

“Sure, I guess.” she mumbled, looking away.

I was about to give her a final piece of reassurance when hoofsteps sounded on the floorboard outside. The bedroom door opened, and Applejack’s head popped around the corner.

“Just checking on y’all, everything alright in here?”

After flashing me a dirty look, Twilight turned her head to give her friend a fake smile.

“Everything’s fine, we were just discussing the mission.”

Knowing how on edge Twilight had been for the past fortnight, the farm pony saw right through the façade and passed me a doubtful expression, raising an eyebrow. Not wanting to rock the boat, I gave her a smile of my own and nodded with certainty.

“We were just going over some of the finer details.” I told her, “I hope the five of you aren’t too bored down there?”

“Nah, we’re good.” she replied with a grin, “Just been talking amongst ourselves and reading some of those books you have lying around, hope you don’t mind?”

“Not at all!” I said.

That’s when a jolt of fear ran through me. I had a recipe book lying around somewhere, with a fair few of the entries being meat dishes. After all Twilight had been told about my species, if she were now to discover that we ate meat on top, I could imagine it being nothing short of a disaster.

“That said, I know books aren’t for everyone.” I announced, getting to my feet, “Come on, let’s find something more active to do!”

Hurrying out of the room and back downstairs, I was greeted by the smiles of the other ponies, and I couldn’t help but break into a great big smile of my own. Just walking into a room and seeing these characters from my favourite TV show, living and breathing, it made me feel so warm and happy inside, this truly was a dream come true.
By the looks of things, they hadn’t found the recipe book, and I sighed a breath of relief, only to inhale in a huge lungful of surprise as Pinkie Pie jumped in front of me, her nose no more than a centimetre away from mine.

“I’m bored of books now, can we do something else? Are there any games we can play? What kind of games do humans like? Do you have any fun ones? I bet you have loads of fun games. Do you have buckball? Ooh, what about hoofball? Hmm, probably not because you don’t have any hooves. Do you have non-hoof hoofball? Ooh, ooh, I know, do you have handball? It’s okay if you don’t, I just want to play something. Can we play a game? Huh? Can we? Can we?”

Practically blown apart by her rapid-fire questioning, it was hard to track with each word, but the simple gist was unmissable; find a game for this mad pony before she exploded, and then exploded again! Chuckling, I told her that she was awfully close with ‘handball’, as we had a sport called football, or ‘soccer’ as the yanks liked to call it. Alas, I had no such football in my possession, and so I had to think of something else. My mind went blank, as the only games I played these days involved holding a controller and looking at a screen, which was hardly appropriate when Pinkie was itching for a runaround. Not knowing what to suggest, I took the easy route and knocked the ball back into her court, as it were.

“Is there anything in particular you would want to play?”

Freezing on the spot, the pink pony became completely inanimate, she didn’t even seem to be breathing! Gulping, I looked to the others with an expression of absolute bewilderment, fearing that I had somehow broken the damn mare. With a laugh, Rainbow Dash explained that Pinkie did this sometimes when she was in thought. After a few more seconds, Pinkie sprung back to life, bouncing up and down in a way that was completely identical to her cartoon self. Springing a little too high however, her head hit the ceiling, to which the bouncing ceased. Clearly uninjured, she whipped around to look at me with a big grin.

“I know!” she squealed, her mane wobbling like jelly, “Let’s all play Hide and Seek!”

Raising an eyebrow and pursing my lips, I looked at Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack, assuming that they might be a bit too old for such a game.

“Is that what everybody wants to play?” I asked openly.

“Everybody?” echoed Rarity, “Oh, is that the human equivalent of everypony?”

With an endearing smile, I leaned up against the wall and decided that now would be a good time to quickly nip this in the bud. Nodding, I confirmed that it was, and pointed out that the word ‘everypony’ wouldn’t make much sense on a planet with no sapient ponies. Emitting a simple ‘ah’, Rarity’s eyes darted around sheepishly, clearly feeling a bit silly for not thinking of that. Wishing not to make similar mistakes in the future, she inquired if I could teach her more humanisms before we played.

“So, we can play Hide and Seek?” asked Pinkie, her ears springing up and her eyes glimmering with hope.

Aside from a playful groan from Rainbow Dash, everyone seemed okay with the idea, with Rarity rolling her eyes and giving me a look as if to say ‘it’s not usually my cup of tea, but let’s do it for Pinkie’.

“Of course we can.” I said to her, “Come on, let’s go.”

We headed outside, and as we went, I taught the girls the various differences in vocabulary between our words, such as hooves to hands and feet, manes to hair, fillies to girls, colts to boys, stallions to men, mares to women, and so on. The ponies were amazed by the small but significant changes in dialect, despite us speaking the same language. With that in mind, it baffled me that we even spoke the same tongue, considering the fact we were from worlds apart. Still, I chose not to question it, as a genuine language barrier would have been nothing short of a nightmare.


Although we had only agreed to play Hide and Seek for Pinkie’s sake, it actually became a lot of fun for all of us once we got into it. As predicted, Twilight did not partake, deciding instead to sit alone in the shade, reading more of my books. We had played for a little under an hour, and I had come to really enjoy myself. I had forgotten how enjoyable wide games could be, and I regretted that my only source of entertainment these days had come from screens. It certainly helped that I had an advantage playing, as the girls were all so brightly coloured that spotting them was, to speak like a pony, foal’s play.

“Let’s set Callum a challenge!” Pinkie yelled, “What if he goes and hides, and all five of us are the seekers?”

“Challenge accepted!” I announced proudly, bowing towards her.

Without hesitation, the girls gathered together and shut their eyes, all counting to thirty in unison while I darted away. With five seekers on the hunt, I decided to utilise my favourite hiding spot, the ironwood tree close to the house. Running over as quickly as I could, I clambered up and ascended the mighty tree, all the way to the top. There was no way they would ever find me up here. I loved this tree, the ironwood’s branches in spite of their slenderness were practically unbreakable, and so I always had confidence in scaling to the top. It was my all-time favourite spot in the garden, as I could get a whole view of the land, not to mention the woodland beyond it.

“Seventeen!” the girls called out, “Eighteen! Nineteen!”

Looking down towards the house, I was suddenly struck by a pang of homesickness. The childlike mirth and merriment from playing began to subside, as the realisation that I would never be coming back here again crept up on me. I was leaving my entire life behind; my friends, my laptop, my games, and of course, Chilli and Archer, my beloved dogs. Additionally, for what it was worth, I was also leaving behind my family, and although I suffered at the behest of their malignancy, there was still a part of me that loved them.

That was a lie, it was Oliver I still loved; Janice could stop breathing tomorrow for all I cared. My brother however, just like me, was a product of the environment we’d been forced to grow up in, and for as much as I loathed him at times, I knew that there was good in him. I was going to miss him, and all the good times we had together when we were younger, back when Dad was still around.

“Twenty-two! Twenty-three! Twenty-four!”

My attention drifted back to the girls as they counted, and the gloomy feeling slowly began to wash away. Who was I kidding? It was the familiarity I was going to miss, nothing more. Even if Dad was still here, and Oliver was still kind, and that rancid old hag left the family, it would still never compare… Even if everything had turned out okay, nothing in life could ever be half as good as this opportunity. I was about to travel the world with the Mane Six, on a breathtaking global adventure to find the missing fragments of a sacred relic, of which had been created by literal gods!

What lay ahead of me was a life fit for storybooks…

“Twenty-five! Twenty-six! Twenty-seven!”

And to think, that didn’t just mean on Earth. If I actually succeeded in helping them recover this Orb, then there was every chance that my deeds would go down in their history. Even if I couldn’t go to their world in body, my name could. Thousands of years from now, long after I was dead and gone, the name Callum Horncastle could very well be found in the history books of the Canterlot Library, telling tale of a hero from beyond the stars. The alien boy who willingly gave up his life in order to help Twilight Sparkle and her friends save the world. I would be escaping oblivion, saving countless lives, serving a glorious purpose, and experiencing a fantastical and exhilarating life, one that was at last worth living. Who in their right mind wouldn’t seize such a possibility?

It was worth it…
Come pain, trauma, tragedy, or even death itself, it was worth it all.

“Twenty-eight! Twenty-nine! THIRTY!”

The five ponies scattered across the land, the hunt had begun! Sitting up on my tall swaying perch, I watched them with a smile on my face, feeling more and more at peace. As though the universe agreed with my decision, I was treated to a gentle summer breeze that lightly caressed my face, comforting me. Closing my eyes, I inhaled through my nose, and for the very first time, I felt truly happy. Never before had I felt such a sense of authentic warmth and calmness, it radiated from deep within me, and at last, I felt genuinely whole as a person. Hanging my head, I broke into an enormous grin and allowed the tears to flow. Somewhat overwhelmed, I cried with a profound joy that was until now foreign to me, and I shamelessly drank in every ounce of the feeling, surrendering myself to it.

By the time I stopped crying and dried my face, I had completely lost track of the girls. I was just about to move to a different branch when I suddenly felt something hard nudging my arm.

“Um, excuse me? I found you…”

With a jolt, I whipped around to find Fluttershy sitting calmly on the branch beside mine, lightly prodding me with her hoof. I jumped enough to nearly fall out of the tree, only just catching myself on the surrounding branches.

“Blimey, you really are the quiet one!” I chuckled, “How did you find me?”

“With my eyes…” she replied, sticking her tongue out.

Taken off-guard, I burst out laughing and almost fell for a second time. I had never expected in a million years for Fluttershy to give such a sharp and witty reply. Giggling, the pegasus knocked her hooves together, proud of the reaction she had elicited from me, and prouder still to have been the one to find me. It was so lovely that she had already started to warm to me; this game of Hide and Seek, along with the film earlier, had done wonders for breaking the ice.

“Well, good job finding me.” I sighed, calming down, “Come on, let’s go let the others know.”

Using her wings for additional support, Fluttershy shimmied down to a spot she felt comfortable jumping from, before gliding the rest of the way down. I clambered a good way down, before spotting Rainbow Dash below and choosing to show off. Still about eight feet up, I jumped from the tree, performing a roll upon landing so as not to injure myself. I then used the roll’s momentum to spring back up to my feet, leaving Rainbow Dash gawking at me with raised eyebrows.

“Damn.” she murmured with approval.

Fluttershy was still off looking for the others to tell them where I had been hiding, and so I took the opportunity to bond a little more with Rainbow Dash. Noting that she was looking a little glum, I asked her what was up, to which she furrowed her brow.

“Eh, it’s just Twilight.” she huffed, “I asked her to join us for a game and she told me to eff off.”

Turning to face her properly, my eyes widened and I let out a small gasp.

“She swore at you?”

“Oh, she’s been doing that since we got here.” she confessed, “She’s been so uptight for the past two weeks, I’m sick to death of it. It’s like she’s a different pony!”

{Jeez…} I thought to myself, {I mean, it tracks with how stressed she must be, but still… swearing?}

Perhaps it was my naïveté, but I hadn’t been able to even fathom the ponies using swear words. With only the cartoon as a reference point, I had no way to gauge just how mature they actually were. Sticking with what I did know, I asked Rainbow if she knew anything about what Princess Celestia had said to Twilight.

“Dude, I wish I knew.” she grumbled, throwing her head to one side, “Ever since the Princess took her away to have that private talk, she’s been like this. We’ve tried asking her about it, but all it does is make her twice as prickly. I swear, she acts so weird too. Like, sometimes she’ll just get up in the middle of the night and walk around the camp, muttering to herself, it freaks me the heck out.”

So, the plot thickens. Whatever the Princess had told her had clearly gone much too severely to her head, to the point where it was giving her sleepless nights. Thinking about it, she did look awfully tired, and now I knew why. Well, at least the girls were aware of what was going on. Thanking Rainbow for divulging what she knew, I turned to greet the others upon their approach. Observing them as they made their way towards me, I began to take interest in their height. The cartoon had depicted them all with the same proportions as it was easier to animate, but in real life, the discrepancies couldn’t be clearer. On average, they stood at around chest height for me, roughly four to four-and-a-half feet by my estimations. Rarity was definitely the tallest, while Fluttershy was the littlest, being easily a good six inches shorter.

As for other bodily proportions, there was no missing the muscles on Rainbow Dash and Applejack. The farm pony’s thighs and glutes were practically swollen from how muscly they were. Their fur length also varied, with Rarity’s being short as velvet, while Rainbow and Fluttershy both had thick fluff all over their chests; I could only imagine how soft it was.

“Where in tarnation were you?” Applejack called to me, snapping me back to reality, “We looked everywhere!”

Before I could answer, Fluttershy pranced forward and pointed to the top of the ironwood tree with a ginormous grin on her face, glowing with pride. As she ruffled her wings in shameless delight, it became glaringly evident that she rarely won these sorts of games, if at all, which being Fluttershy, hardly surprised me.

“Wow, I never would have guessed. Nice one, Sugarcube!”

Trotting over to the pegasus, Applejack put her into a gentle headlock and ruffled her mane. Everyone else showered her with praise as well, clearly encouraging her to take part in more group activities when they got home; as far as the show went, it was hardly a secret that Fluttershy was quite the recluse at times.

Sadly, the merriment came to an end as Twilight uprooted herself and came to join us. Like a dark cloud on a sunny day, she loomed over, and before she had even spoken, there was an uncomfortable atmosphere.

“Playtime’s over.” she ordered, “Can we get going now? Or do you all need a few more minutes to act like foals?”

Pursing my lips, I felt torn. A part of me agreed with her, in the sense that we needed to be out of here sooner rather than later. We had a death to fake, and a perilous journey to embark upon, and if we wanted to get started today, then we needed to get a move on. However, it was also important for the others that they felt comfortable with me as their guide, and so the game of Hide and Seek had been totally warranted. Yes, there was a sense of urgency, but to insult everyone was totally uncalled-for, and it seemed that I wasn’t the only one who thought so.

“Alright, that’s it, if nopony else is going to call you out on this, then I will!” Rainbow Dash barked, stepping forward, “I’ve had enough of this, Twilight, what the heck’s gotten into you? You’ve been rude to us for days on end, and I’m sick of it!”

Holding her ground, Twilight faced the cyan pegasus with a fearsome scowl.

“Rude? Rude!? You have no idea what’s at stake here, nor do you have a clue about the danger we’re all in! Do you understand that you might never see home again? You could die here! All it would take is one little mistake, and these things could make your next breath your last! Our lives are on the line, as is our home, and all you care about is fun and games!”

It seemed that the gloves had come off, there was no sugar-coating the situation now. Gulping, I looked at the others with caution, and as expected, they were now stricken with fear.

“Jeez, overreaction much?” Rainbow scoffed loudly, “There hasn’t been a single day where you haven’t been preaching your doom and gloom, and it’s getting real old. Look, I could deal with you just being a grouch, but now we’ve met Callum and are literally about to leave, and yet you’re still being a total bitch!”

I barely had time to clock that I had just heard one of the ponies’ first swear words, as Twilight strode forward and bared her teeth. Rainbow did the same, and it was looking as though they were about to trade more than just verbal blows. Without a moment to think, I rushed forward and stood between the two of them, using my deeper voice and larger size to establish dominance over the both of them.

“That’s enough!” I boomed, “I won’t have you fighting amongst yourselves! Come on, we haven’t even left my house for goodness’ sake! We might be travelling together for months, so how about we not fall apart on day one, yeah? Twilight’s right, you’re on a dangerous mission, and I am to be your guide. We need to sort out faking my death, and then get a move on. Now will the both of you pack it in?”

All the ponies were speechless, with my first impression as a ‘gentle giant’ now in tatters. My sudden display of dominance had shaken them all, with even Twilight left taken aback. Without uttering a word, she stormed off to the shed to sulk in the ponies’ camp. Rainbow Dash in turn backed away from me, angry that I had partially taken the unicorn’s side. I sighed with frustration; had I overdone it? Poor Fluttershy now looked utterly terrified, and I feared that it was me she was scared of. Thankfully, Rarity and Applejack came along beside me to help dispel my worries.

“Thanks for breaking that up, that could have been ugly.” muttered AJ.

“I didn’t overstep my bounds did I?” I asked nervously.

“Oh absolutely not, darling!” Rarity assured me, “They’ve been at each other’s throats for days, I thought they were actually going to hit each other! I can’t commend you enough for stepping in, well done.”

Dipping my head in acceptance, I turned around to see that Fluttershy was crying. Having just seen her at her happiest a moment ago, it felt like an icy dagger to the heart. The others tried to settle her down, and I stooped to one knee to join them, speaking to her in a calm, gentle tone.

“Hey… it’s alright, you’re okay.”

Slowly looking up at me, she blinked the tears from her eyes and continued to tremble.

“T-Twi-Twilight said… w-we’re all going to d-die!” she whimpered with a stutter.

“No…” I sighed, shaking my head.

Tilting my head and giving her a compassionate smile, I reached forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, boldly making contact.

“You aren’t going to die, okay? Just like you, Twilight is scared, and being scared can sometimes bring out the worst in us, because we’re panicking, and not thinking clearly, yeah?”

Continuing, I told her that Twilight was fixated on the worst possible outcome, but the reality was that for as long as I had breath in my lungs, no harm would come to her.

“That goes for all of you.” I said, looking around at their uneasy faces, “I know we’ve only just met, and that you have little reason to trust me, let alone with your lives, but I swear to you, I am going to protect you. Against all that comes our way, I promise, you will make it home, do you understand me?”

I never thought I was very good with words, but as I finished speaking, everyone seemed to relax quite substantially. Fluttershy’s crying came to a halt, and without warning, she reached forward and hugged me. Shocked by the sudden embrace, I froze for a moment, before putting my arms around her and clutching her loosely. She was holding me. Someone was… holding me. Almost brought to tears myself, I let go and beamed at her, giving her a thankful look that silently told her that she had just given me more love than I had felt in years.

“Heh, that was quick.” Rainbow teased, causing Fluttershy to look down.

Turning to look at her, I asked what she meant, to which she pointed out the obvious.

“Uh, it’s Fluttershy? She hasn’t warmed to someone this quick since that colt from Cloudsdale.”

At the mention of this ‘colt’, Fluttershy began to blush profusely, and proceeded to comb her mane over to hide her face. My eyes widened… Fluttershy, a boyfriend? Surely not. While it wasn’t impossible, I highly doubted that Fluttershy of all ponies had the confidence to engage in such a relationship, but then again, what did I actually know about these girls? In just half a day, I had learned that they had no issue with animated violence, were adequately acquainted with the concept of death, and at least two of them used swear words. Who knew, maybe Fluttershy really did have a boyfriend? Either way, I wasn’t going to pry; for now, it could remain another mystery to sit beside the Twilight Sparkle conundrum.

“Can we go back inside now?” Pinkie piped up suddenly, “The air out here smells like arguments now.”

With a laugh, I dipped my head and led the girls back to the front door. Holding it open, I instructed them to head in first, as I wanted to fetch Twilight.

“You’re kidding right?” said Rainbow, “She’s the one who stormed off, she can bring herself back!”

“That mare’s as sour as a lime right now.” added Applejack, “You really want to go kicking that beehive?”

Holding my ground, I looked at them both sternly and told them that if we were going to discuss plans for the mission, then Twilight deserved to be present. Rolling her eyes, Dashie said it was my funeral, and went indoors after Pinkie and Fluttershy.

Trudging over to the shed, I thought about what I ought to say, and how lenient I would allow myself to be in the face of Twilight’s belligerence. At the end of the day, she was the leader of this expedition and I needed her trust, however I might acquire it. Being able to work alongside her would surely help us stay out of trouble. To this end, I decided that I’d attempt to be as patient as humanly possible with her, no matter how cantankerous she was. After all, it couldn’t be worse than the way I was already treated on a daily basis.

Reaching the shed, it at first appeared as though there wasn’t a camp at all, that was until I kept walking, and passed through some kind of invisible perimeter. As I stepped through, the camp materialised out of thin air, revealing three tents, all evenly spaced around a stone fire pit, it was like something one would see in a science fiction film.

“Whoa…” I breathed.

Circling the tents, I took in their details, including the immaculate stitching that I could only presume was Rarity’s handiwork, or would ‘hoofdiwork’ be more appropriate? Lying just outside them were some odd-looking bags; these must have been their travelling packs! They looked like two individual satchels, joined at the top by a thick strap that went around a pony’s midsection, indicating that they were worn like a saddle. Strangely enough however, each satchel had some additional straps sewn into them, and upon closer inspection, I realised that the satchels could be detached from each other.

{Oh, now that’s clever…} I thought, understanding the design choice.

With a human in the mix, these saddlebags had been designed in a way that I could carry one of them if required, to lighten the load. Impressed by the ingenious innovation, I studied the bags further. Each pair was a different shade that matched the colours of their respective owner, complete with their cutie marks stitched onto them for a personal flourish. I then noticed that three of them had additional embroidery, with Fluttershy’s bearing the symbol of a red cross, Rarity’s housing the icon of a refrigerator, and Applejack’s having what looked like a cluster of vegetables. I guessed that those particular bags held a dedicated role, of which I could only presume were medical supplies, perishable goods, and dry food storage.

Although I was fascinated by the bags, along with the surrounding camp, my attention was drawn to one of the tents in particular, as I detected a faint sniffing noise. It took me a couple of seconds to realise what it was, and then I realised, it was the sound of someone crying; the sound of Twilight, crying…

Feeling a stab of empathy, I approached the tent and slowly parted the entrance. Peering inside, I found Twilight sitting with her back to me with her shoulders hunched, loudly sniffling to herself.

“Hey, are you okay?” I gently inquired.

“Go away…” she croaked, almost too quiet for me to hear, “You’re the last individual I want to speak to right now…”

Kneeling down, I tried to reason with her.

“C’mon, Twilight, I just want to help.”

“I said go away.”

Swallowing, I took a chance and remained in place.

“Twilight, you’re clearly upset, and you don’t deserve to be sat here on your own. You don’t have to trust me, but let’s at least talk, yeah?”

She stopped haunching and visibly loosened up, indicating that she had relaxed a little. Taking the opportunity, I reached forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, similar to how I had done with Fluttershy, hoping that it would have the same effect.

It did not.

The second I made contact, the mare whipped around and punching me square in the mouth.

“I said go away!” she yelled.

Falling back onto my bottom, I sat there in a state of utter shock, clutching my mouth. Holy shit, Twilight had just hit me! And she could actually punch pretty hard too, my lips felt like they were on fire! Licking my bottom lip, I tasted blood, and continued to stare at Twilight in something of a daze. Blinking rapidly, she realised what she had just done, and her lips started to quiver.

“I… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to… Y-You made me jump…”

Her regret was genuine, although it wasn’t visible for long. With a shake of her head, she forced away the guilt and glared at me.

“You shouldn’t have touched me, and I said for you to leave me alone.”

“I don’t think I deserved that.” I replied in a blank, lifeless tone.

Taken aback and somewhat unnerved by my calm response, Twilight fell silent, to which I continued.

“Now, I think it’s pretty clear that a lot of stress and a lot of responsibility has been bestowed upon you, an unfair amount, is that safe to say?”

Pausing, I wiped the blood from my lip, though I did not break eye contact.

“Well, whatever’s going on here that you aren’t telling me, it needs to stop, because you just attacked me, and that’s not on. Now, I came here to find you because the others want to get a move on, and I felt that if we’re going to discuss mission plans, then you deserve to be present, as group leader and all.”

With that, I backed out of the tent’s entrance and stood up.

“I’m heading back now, and if you’d like to follow me, you’re more than welcome to. Like it or not Twilight, you’re stuck with me now, so it’d be in both our interests if you at least tried to be a team player. You don’t have to like me, and you don’t have to trust me, but for the sake of finding the Titans’ Orb and getting you home safely, work with me, yeah?”

Before she could get a word in, I stood up and left the camp, without a doubt in my mind that she would follow. And then, for a reason totally unbeknownst to me, I broke into a smile; even with throbbing bloodstained lips, I was smiling, and I couldn’t fathom why.

{Perhaps I’m in shock from that punch?} I wondered, licking more blood from my lip, {Either that, or I’m just way more of a masochist than I thought I was…}

Stranger still, though likely related, was that despite the foul behaviour she had been displaying thus far, I felt oddly drawn to Twilight. There was something about her, something about all this tumult and hostility that I could relate to somehow. Was it because of my gnarly family situation? Was Twilight’s unwarranted scorn bringing me some twisted sense of familiarity amid this new and outlandish chapter of my life? Could that be what it was? It definitely made sense if so, but I wasn’t sure…

Whatever it was, I felt a connection to Twilight that I couldn’t explain, and in that one instance, I forewent her misgivings and made my solemn vow in spite of them, knowing it was the right thing to do.

“No matter what happens.” I breathed, “No matter how bad things get. Even if you do me wrong, time and time again, I will never wane in this promise to you. Though you may loathe and fear me, I shall remain your keeper all the same.”

Looking back to the shed, I found that Twilight had emerged and was now plodding towards me, just as I had predicted. Knowing she couldn’t hear me yet, I concluded my oath in the form of a whisper.


“I will protect you with all that I am, until the day I draw my final breath.”





> Chapter Four: Early Complications
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Before I went into the living room to join the girls, I made a quick trip to the kitchen and grabbed a dish cloth. Not wanting the others to freak out over my split lip, I made an effort to make the damage seem as insignificant as possible. Turning on the cold tap, I wetted the cloth and then gently pressed it against my mouth to cool it down and reduce the inflammation.

{Oh Twilight…} I thought to myself, exhaling with bitterness, {What's making you like this? What on earth were you told?}

Dabbing at my lip to clear the blood, I reflected on all the information currently available to me, desperately trying to suss out what had driven Twilight to such a drastic level of hostility and paranoia. It was all well and good that she knew about humanity’s darker merits, but this went deeper than that, I could feel it. Twilight was a pony who valued logic, and I had presented her with plenty of that, and yet she couldn’t see me as anything other than a monster, despite the fact she was the one who had attacked me!

With only the cartoon to go on, I had no idea what the real Princess Celestia was like, but I was certain that this extreme level of antagonism wasn’t her intention. Twilight had taken whatever she had said and amplified it on her own accord, that much I could guess. That was all I had, guesswork, and until Twilight gave me something more substantial than a split lip, I would be stuck with guesswork.

Grumpily casting the cloth away once the bleeding had stopped, I muttered that it would have to do and took myself to the living room. I was greeted immediately by Rainbow Dash, donning a merry smile.

“Hey dude, I was just about to come looking for you, Rarity’s come up with a plan!”

“Fantastic!” I replied cheerfully, “Let’s hear it?”

However, before Rarity could elaborate, Applejack spotted my swollen lip and narrowed her eyes.

“Uh, Sugarcube… what in tarnation happened there?”

She pointed at my face, and at that, everyone began peering at me more attentively and spotted the dark tear in my lip, along with the reddish purple mark just beneath it. With a gasp, Rarity promptly got up and zipped over to me, practically knocking Applejack out of the way in order to reach me.

“Darling, that looks painful! What ever happened to you?”

With a frown, Rainbow Dash raised her lips into a snarl and angrily wiggled her jaw.

“Oh, I know what happened alright…”

Opening her mouth to continue, I knew that she was going to accuse Twilight of attacking me, and although she would have been right, I didn’t want to bring about any further hostility, and so I chose to lie.

“It’s nothing, really! Just a result of my own idiocy.” I chuckled awkwardly, “I tripped over on the way back from seeing Twilight, that’s all.”

With her gritted teeth on partial display, Rainbow Dash looked at me bitterly and shook her head, knowing that I wasn’t telling the truth. She was just about to call me out on it when Twilight walked in, and as she did so, Rarity looked at her with wide eyes.

“Did you see what happened?” she demanded.

And then, seizing my face with both of her hooves, Rarity forcibly turned my head for Twilight to see.

“Just look at it, Twilight, look at it! The poor thing…”

“I have a name.” I said blankly with my cheeks still squished together.

The lilac unicorn did as she was bid and peered at her own handiwork. She pursed her lips, unsure of what to say. Looking around cautiously, she expected that I had told them what had occurred, and was waiting for the public outcry. But to her curiosity, no such thing came, and with a chuckle, I pushed Rarity’s doting hooves away and insisted that I was fine.

“As I said,” I spoke emphatically, locking eyes with Twilight, “I just tripped.”

Turning to face the others, I went on to say that I had become absent-minded, and had simply tripped over my own feet, with my mouth regrettably smacking into one of the flowerpots on the patio.

“Ooh, that sounds like it hurt.” Rarity winced, shaking her head.

“Eh, it’s fine.” I assured her, “I swear I’m not normally this clumsy.”

Sighing, I bolstered the lie by telling them that I was still trying to process that this was all real, and that I just got a little scatterbrained on the way back to the house, that’s all.

“Yeah, I suppose that makes sense.” Applejack hummed with understanding, “If creatures from another world showed up on my farm, telling me I was needed for some big quest of theirs, I’d be more darn befuddled than an earthworm in a bowl of noodles!”

As Applejack delivered her first countryism of the adventure, I was hard-pressed to stifle a bewildered laugh. Meanwhile, Twilight looked at me and raised an eyebrow, obviously not expecting for me to cover up her little outburst. I gave her a wink, and for the first time, she responded to me with an inkling of kindness, subtly nodding her head to me in thanks. It wasn’t much, but it was definitely a start. With time, perhaps I really could earn her trust…

“That does look… pretty painful.” the unicorn admitted.

The expression on her face was layered, and I noticed a glint in her eye that echoed a familiar scene, just earlier today; it was the exact same look I had seen on Jan’s face, after she had shoved me to the floor this morning. It was a faintly shimmering sense of regret, and in that moment I knew that Twilight regretted hitting me. But alas, just like with my mother the compassion was limited, and only lasted for a short time.

“Well, I suppose you should have watched where you were going.” she crooned, “As our new guide, I would expect you to at least have the capability to guide yourself.”

{You little shit…}

Almost saying that aloud, I only just kept my cool; the absolute bloody cheek… The others were once again shocked by the callousness, but kept their opinions to themselves, with poor Rainbow Dash looking as though she were about to explode. At first, I didn’t understand the game Twilight was trying to play, but then the unicorn’s eyes betrayed her, as they momentarily drifted to her friends.

{So that’s your play…} I thought.

She was trying to draw a reaction from me, to provoke me into displaying the same peremptory stance from earlier. She wanted her friends to be mistrustful of me, as she was. Well, it wasn’t going to work, and I responded to her with a goofy smile, agreeing with her in full.

“You’re absolutely right, shan’t happen again.”

My play won over hers. She knew that she was in the wrong, and without a shred of retaliation from me, there was no way for her to justify it. Eyeing me up and down for a moment, the unicorn showed further remorse, paired with a hint of frustration. She exhaled heavily from her nose and went to sit down beside Pinkie and Applejack, both of whom shuffled uncomfortably away from her. Not that I wanted to ‘win’ or anything, but it felt nice that her own friends weren’t exactly on her side.

Moving on, I asked what plan Rarity had come up with, to which she sat down and cleared her throat, flicking aside her perfectly curled mane, to which I couldn’t help but smirk; even on another planet in the wake of a dangerous mission, she still maintained her sense of beauty and glamour.

“Well you see, darling,” she began, “when the Titans’ Orb was removed from our world, a great deal of its essence was left behind, a magical residue if you will, one with a very unique signature.”

“Okay, I’m following so far.” I murmured.

Continuing, Rarity explained that Twilight had imbibed this essence at Princess Celestia’s instruction, thus binding its arcane signature to her body and allowing her to resonate with it. What this meant was that Twilight could sense when pieces of the Orb were close by.

“This was essentially our only method of finding the pieces.” Rarity went on, “But even then, we would need to be close to them just for it to work. Think of it as trying to find a needle in a haystack, using a very strong magnet. You would think it was an easy task, but first, we still need to find the haystack.”

“Ahh…” I hummed, “So, what’s your solution?”

“My solution,” the pearly unicorn replied, “is for Twilight to use my gem-finding spell.”

“What if it locks onto other gemstones in the world?”

“Ah-bub-bub, I wasn’t finished!” she sang, tilting her head, “If Twilight were to alter the spell slightly, and pair it with the signature from the Orb’s essence, it ought to lock onto the fragments, and only the fragments.”

My eyebrows shot up, that was actually a really good idea. Everyone else seemed to think so too, with Pinkie clapping her hooves together and cheering, and Applejack and Fluttershy both praising the mare’s idea. Rarity raised her chin proudly, and even Twilight lightened up some, admitting the plan was superb.

With that, there was only one final matter to tend to.

“Firstly, that idea is absolutely sound, well done Rare. However, we need to handle this business of faking my death, and I’ll be honest, I haven’t a clue of how to go about it. Any suggestions?”

At first, I thought this part would be much harder to plan out, but Pinkie Pie had other ideas.

“Ooh, ooh! That’s easy-peasy, one-two-threesy! All you need is for Twilight to use her cloning spell, and then you can just make the clone look all dead-like!”

Blinking rapidly, I was gobsmacked.

“Uh… Pinkie, you’re a genius!” I exclaimed with wide eyes.

“No I’m not, I’m a pony!”

We all burst into laughter, with not even Twilight being able to withhold an amused splutter. Turning to the unicorn, I took the chance to open a dialogue with her while she was in a better mood.

“So you actually have a cloning spell then? You can actually… copy people?”

“Not exactly.” she replied, thankfully remaining civil, “Cloning spells vary in complexity, but none of them will ever make a fully functional duplicate. Flesh can be replicated, but your soul? No, there’s no magic strong enough to do something like that, not that I know of anyway. If I cloned you, it would be more like an echo of you, a magical construct made to resemble you. Clones also don’t last forever, if its creator doesn’t destroy it manually to regain mana, a clone will naturally break down after a week or two.”

“Huh, well either way that’s incredible!” I told her, “That would definitely do the trick!”

Amazingly, in spite of things, Twilight asked if I would like a demonstration of the spell, to which I very eagerly agreed to. Nodding, the unicorn instructed me to stand still and got to her hooves again. The girls gave us some space, and Twilight’s horn began to glow brightly. I then felt a tingling sensation throughout my body, followed by a thin stream of light emerging from my chest. It wasn’t painful in the slightest, though it did feel incredibly warm. The light coalesced in front of me, forming a shimmering sphere. At first it was no bigger than an apple, but as the light kept pouring out of me, the sphere began to grow. It was the most incredible thing I had ever seen, this was some seriously potent magic, all happening right here before my eyes.

Eventually, the flow of light ceased, and the sphere began to stretch out, twisting and turning as it began to take the form of a human being. Me, it was taking the form of me! And then, in the space of a second, the glowing form’s light dissipated, leaving behind a perfectly convincing replica of myself. The others watched on, observing this magicless creature experience such a magical phenomenon.

“Whoa…” I breathed, utterly mesmerised.

“Whoa indeed.” the clone spoke.

I jumped back a few feet and nearly shat a brick, caught completely off-guard.

“It… it can talk!?” I blurted out, pointing at the clone with awe.

“I don’t know, can it?” he asked in reply, shrugging at me with a smirk.

Scoffing with amusement, I circled him, starstruck beyond description. Even as a living falsehood, it seemed that my clone could think for himself and even form his own sentences. Seeing my own self from another’s perspective was beyond surreal; and damn, was my arse really that good? I gave my doppelgänger’s firm rear a curious touch, to which he turned around and looked at me with an upturned eyebrow.

“Hey now big boy, take me on a date first, yeah?”

Every single one of us, clone included, burst into hysterics at the comment. The laughs went on for quite a while, until Twilight finally brought it to a close, rolling her eyes.

“Alright, that’s enough now, it was only a demonstration.”

Her horn once again shone brightly, and the clone in turn started to glow. Small pieces of his body then began to break away into dancing little wisps of light, which faded away into nothingness. In his very last moments of existence, he began to sing solemnly, accepting his end.

“Hello darkness, my old friend… I’ve come to talk with you again…”

His singing then came to a halt, as his entire being fell apart and vanished altogether.

“Well, that was depressing.” I murmured, huffing with amusement.

Turning to Twilight, I thanked her for the demonstration, and said that it had most certainly been the craziest experience of my life to date. Wordlessly responding with a huff through her nose, she accepted my thanks and then returned to her moody non-verbal state.

“Right, so in all seriousness, how are we going to do this?” I asked openly.

The girls looked at each other, not sure of what to say. Finally, Rainbow Dash came up with an idea.

“We could like, I don’t know, pretend there was a break in?”

“Ooh, I like that.” I said, pointing at her with a finger, “Go on?”

“Well,” she explained, “we could make it look like someone broke into your house to steal some stuff, or something. Then it would look as if you tried to fight them, and they uh, killed you, I guess.”

Clapping my hands together, I told her the idea was perfect. Twilight then tried to shoot down the idea.

“And how are you suggesting we simulate a break in, huh?”

“Simple.” I retorted with a toothy grin, “We can break in ourselves! I can kick the front door in, and we just smash a few things here and there, make it look like someone really went to town on the place.”

It made sense, but some of the girls weren’t all too convinced just yet. They looked at each other with uncertain expressions, not sure what to make of the idea.

“Sugarcube, are you sure you want to do that?” Applejack asked me, furrowing her brow, “This is your home, ain’t it? Do you really want to… smash it up?”

With a half-hearted laugh, I told AJ that this place was hardly my home, especially now. After all that Jan had put me through, I decided that it was time for some payback. Expressing just how much hurt had occurred in this house, I told them that it was about time I had some justice, and I would have it by way of trashing this place, and leaving that vile woman to deal with the aftermath. Plus, just as the Hide and Seek had helped us to bond, I suggested that we may all get a fair bit of enjoyment out of duffing up the place together.

“You’ve all spent two weeks confined to that little camp, treading on each other’s hooves and not being able to do much.” I pointed out, “Come on, don’t tell me it doesn’t sound like a good way to let off some steam, huh?”

Unsurprisingly, Rainbow Dash sided with my point immediately, asking when we could get started. That’s when a thought crossed my mind; if I was leaving this place to travel the world, then I needed supplies. Relaying this to the girls, they were in full agreement, and so the violence would have to wait. Rushing up to my room, I retrieved my dad’s big camping rucksack, which I had claimed as my own since he left. It had plenty of room, I just needed to decide what to pack it with.

Returning downstairs, I found that Chilli and Archer had come into the lounge, finally brave enough to say hello to the bizarre-looking visitors in their home. Seeing them brought another thought to my mind; what about them? I couldn’t leave them here alone, not with a battered up house and a dead clone of myself! Oliver wouldn’t be home for days yet, and with Mum coming home tomorrow, they would be left overnight in an unsafe situation. On top of that, Janice was the furthest thing from a responsible owner, even after getting home, there was no way I could trust her with them. I wanted the best for them, but how on earth could I achieve that when I was about to duff up the house and stage my own murder? With my mind racing, the stress of all these additional steps began to overwhelm me. I just wanted to get going, but it wasn’t so simple.

Then an idea hit me. I had a friend close by, my only friend within walking distance, a fellow brony by the name of Bruce Harding. He was one of my best mates, and there was no doubt in my mind that he would look after the dogs if I asked him to. A lover of animals and a deeply loyal friend, Bruce was one of the few people I might be able to trust with the knowledge of what was going on. Like me, he took oaths very seriously, and I knew that I could rely on him if he swore to secrecy. With plenty of land, he could quite easily care for the dogs, without even needing to walk them in public, meaning they wouldn’t ever be seen. After all, as soon as I was publicly dead, there would be a manhunt for my killer, with the dogs likely being mentioned if they went missing. He lived only a couple of miles away, a forty-minute walk at most.

“Hey, look…” I began, entering the living room again.

With a shaky start, I explained to the girls what I was thinking, and what I was planning to do with the dogs. The words had barely left my lips, and Twilight kicked off.

“Absolutely not.” she spat, “We’ve already wasted enough time today, I’m not jeopardising this mission any further. Not for you, and not for your mutts. You can tie them up somewhere and-”

“I’m sorry, I think I heard you wrong.” I interrupted.

I took a step towards her, doing everything in my power not to snap. With a gulp, Twilight realised that I had been angered by the comment, and that she may just get that retaliation after all.

“It almost sounded like you just called my beloved dogs, of whom I love very dearly, one of whom you attacked yesterday, mutts. Did I hear that right?”

She started to cower slightly, and I saw the same fright in her from earlier, the looming dread that I was going to hurt her. Of course, I would never, and I knew this was hardly helping her think otherwise, but if she was going to insult my dogs and disregard their safety, then she needed to know that it wouldn’t go without consequence.

“You listen.” I ordered, “I’m about to give up my entire life for you. There’s no going back for me after this, and the one thing I want to do is make sure my pets are cared for after I’m gone. Now, I know this is throwing a spanner in the works, and I’m sorry for that, but I need to do this, okay? If I’m going to help you, then I need to leave here with a clear conscience, and I can’t do that without getting my dogs somewhere safe first.”

From behind me, the other girls supported my cause, with Fluttershy outright telling Twilight that we weren’t leaving until Chilli and Archer were safe. I was taken aback by her boldness, but then again, with two animals’ welfare on the line, I should have expected it.

“Ugh, fine.” Twilight conceded, “But after this, no more distractions. Once you get back, we’re staging the break in, killing your clone, and getting out of here for good, are we clear?”

“Crystal clear.” I told her, “Thank you.”

Huffing, she went to read more of my books, while I rushed to my room to turn on my laptop. Bruce was always active on Skype, so I went to contact him as quickly as possible. Curious as to how I was going to contact another human, the other girls followed me into my room and watched as I logged into the device. Almost immediately I regretted it, as my desktop wallpaper came into view, depicting none other than Derpy Hooves, sticking her head through a generic Windows background.



“Dude…” said Rainbow Dash, “Is that Derpy!?”

Gulping, I turned around to look at her, expecting her to be utterly horrified, and yet, Rainbow’s face was plastered with an excited grin. Glancing past her at the others, I found they were smiling too, gazing at the cartoon depiction of their fellow pony.

“Erm… yeah… that’s Derpy alright!” I chuckled awkwardly, “Although I’m not going to lie, I thought you would all be a little unsettled at seeing her on here. I’m not exactly sure how much you actually know about the cartoon.”

Sensing my anxiety, Rarity was quick to clear the air on that front, clarifying what they knew.

“Oh don’t fret dear, we know just enough not to be too disturbed. During our mission briefing, the Princess told us all about how we co-exist in your world, in the form of an animated story for children. She said there are older fellows too such as yourself who watch it, called bronies, and that it broadcasts to the public via your, um, what is it called? A talvision?”

“Close, it’s television.” I corrected, “Or just TV for short.”

Rarity gave an interested ‘hmm’ in acknowledgement, and I decided to carry on with my query.

“But I don’t get it, I would have thought that you’d all be freaked out by knowing something like that. I know for a fact I would be, so what gives?”

“Oh trust me darling, we were to start with, terribly so in fact. Poor Fluttershy even had a panic attack over it, bless her! But as the Princess explained everything in thorough, we soon came to terms with the ordeal. She was even able to show us some of the cartoon directly, and though it was awfully strange at first, I must admit, it was quite entertaining to see myself as an animated character. My mannerisms and voice were imitated flawlessly! You humans are very talented with your work.”

Humming with understanding, their reactions made a lot more sense now. It also made using my laptop a lot more straightforward, as I no longer felt the need to hide all the ponified content, such as the icons on my taskbar. With that in mind, I moved my cursor to the task bar and clicked on Skype, and waited patiently for it to open.

“So, who is this friend of yours exactly, and how do you plan on reaching out to him?” asked Rarity.

“Do we get to meet him?” Pinkie followed up.

Putting my mouth to one side, I said that it was probably for the best if we didn’t complicate things further by revealing them to him. The ponies didn’t need to be included in this transaction, it would be far simpler to keep things centred around myself and the dogs. Applejack expressed her agreement verbally, with the others giving accompanying nods of understanding.

“And to answer your question, Rare, his name is Bruce. He used to live next-door, but he moved a little further out to his parents’ house after they died.”

“Oh that’s terrible…” she breathed, “How did they pass?”

“Cancer.” I replied, “Do you have that in Equestria?”

“All too sadly.” the unicorn confirmed, “It’s treatable with magic, but it still very much a killer in our world.”

“Same here.” I told her, “We don’t have magic, but we can treat it through surgery and something called chemotherapy, but you have to catch it early on, and even then, it may come back.”

Lowering her head, the ponies sympathised with my words, I supposed it was a similar story on Equus. Not wanting to dwell too much on the subject, I went on to tell them that Bruce was a devout animal lover, similar to Fluttershy. That brightened things up, with the buttery pegasus raising her head and inhaling sharply with excitement.

“Ooh, really?”

Nodding, I said that since his parents’ passing, he had dedicated his life to caring for animals. He fostered cats and dogs that had been abandoned by their former owners, and was essentially running his own animal shelter. He even had a small local charity going, a business of sorts, where people subscribed to him via monthly payments, allowing him to continue running the shelter, while he in turn would cover the cost of his donors’ vet bills. In a sense, he had started his own local pet insurance company, running symbiotically with his at-home shelter.

“That’s… amazing!” Fluttershy squealed, springing to life, “Oh goodness, I just have to see this for myself! Please let me come with you, I want to see it!”

Leaning back in my chair and inhaling deeply, I said that it was Twilight who would need persuading, not me, to which she immediately fell silent, knowing such a thing was folly. Applejack then asked how I meant to actually contact Bruce, to which I explained that I was about to call him on Skype.

“Uh Sugarcube, what in tarnation is a Skype?”

With a laugh, I told her that it was an application on my laptop that allowed me to communicate with others across the world, either by instant messages, or by video calling.

“What does ‘video’ mean?” asked Pinkie.

“Oh, it’s another term for a moving picture, just like the Kung Fu Panda film.” I clarified.

They all let off a synchronised ‘oohhh…’ to which I chuckled, and finally got to messaging Bruce to see if he was around. With Skype now open, I selected his profile and then clicked on the message bar, and then I typed a casual greeting to say hi.



Hey broski, how are ya?
I need to talk to you about something.



The ponies stared at the screen in confusion. Rainbow Dash then asked if something was supposed to happen, to which I instructed her to be patient. Eventually, after a good thirty to forty seconds, I received a reply.



Heeyy Callum! How’s it going bud? Yeah I’m good, busy as always, but good!
What's up?



Seeing the message, the other ponies were amazed.

“So, that just came from some dude in another part of the world?” Dashie asked in awe.

“Yep-yep!” I confirmed, grinning.

Typing back, I decided not to beat around the bush and told Bruce that I needed to ask him a huge favour.



Ugh, your favours are always costly. What is it now?



Explaining that it was serious, I said that I needed his help, and quite urgently too. Telling me that he was now worried, he asked what I meant, and if I was in some sort of trouble. Knowing that it would be better to speak in person, I asked if I could just call him, to which he promptly said yes. I then explained to the girls how the call would work, and that he would see everything from my webcam, and hear everything via my laptop’s microphone. With that, Applejack gave Pinkie a look.

“That means keep your cake-guzzling trap shut.” she teased.

Giggling, Pinkie nodded, and the girls all moved so that they were out of the camera’s view. They then watched keenly from the side as I clicked on the call button, and after a few seconds of ringing, Bruce appeared on the screen.

“Right, talk to me.” he ordered, folding his arms, “What the bloody hell have you done, Callum?”

Giving a heavy sigh, I didn’t really know where to begin, other than that I needed his help.

“Like I said, I need to ask you a favour, a big one, and it needs to stay between us.”

“Dude, you are really freaking me out. What is going on?”

Inhaling deeply, I explained that I would be going away, and that he needed to look after the dogs for me.

“Wait, seriously? That’s it? Jeez Callum, don’t do that shit to me! I thought something was actually wrong!”

Wincing slightly at the language, I glanced at the girls, worried they might take offence. Thankfully they seemed mostly unbothered, and I looked back at Bruce with a frown.

“No, you don’t understand.” I continued, “I’m going away, and I’m not coming back.”

His cheesy grin was gone instantly and he froze, processing my words.

“Wait, what do you mean?”

“Look, if I were to leave the dogs with you indefinitely, could you take care of them? Yes or no?”

“Well yeah, obviously, I love Chilli and Archer to bits!” he confirmed, “But what do you mean you aren’t coming back?”

Huffing anxiously, I asked if he could drive over here so I could explain in person. Regrettably, he explained that his car was currently being repaired at the local garage, so I would have to come to him. Clenching my jaw with annoyance, I was hoping that he’d be able to just swing by and pick up the pooches and be done with it, but at least it wasn’t too far of a walk.

“Right, then I’m coming over. See you in like an hour.”

Realising how serious I was, he scrambled to his feet.

“Okay, alright… I err, better get the place ready! Uhh, ah! Dog food, baskets, treats…”

He trailed off, and knowing that his mind was now on the dogs, I said goodbye and that I would be over as quickly as possible. Giving me a thumbs up, he told me that he would put the kettle on, and then promptly ended the call. Sighing with relief, I turned to face the girls with a smile; the dogs would be safe, and we could continue as planned.

“We should tell Twilight.” I suggested.

Everyone agreed, and we went down to explain to her that I would be walking the dogs to Bruce’s, leaving them at his house, and then returning here to deal with the clone. Twilight however, had other plans, or at least, she now wanted us to do things in a different order.

“I want us all out of this house as quickly as possible.” she explained, “You’re going to get on with staging the break in, then we’ll deal with your clone, and then you can take your dogs to your friend. We’ll pack up our camp while you’re gone, and then we can all leave.”

Although I didn’t agree, I chose not to contest it. At the end of the day, she had given me permission to take Chilli and Archer to Bruce, and that was a tall order considering the urgency of their mission. Nodding in accord, I picked up my rucksack again and decided to finish packing. Being downstairs, my first port of call was to raid the kitchen. Delving into the larder, I thought about the long-term, and only grabbed things that would last a long time without going bad. Fruit and such would need to be found along the journey; rotten food in my bag was the last thing I needed. Soon enough, the rucksack was appropriately loaded with cereal, pasta, rice, crisps, and with Pinkie in mind, a few bars of chocolate. Additionally, I looted every tin of beans I could find, knowing I would need them for protein; it was a no-brainer that I wouldn’t be eating meat for a while.

With meat on the mind, I thought hard on the issue. Even if I became a vegetarian from this time forward, the ponies would find out one way or another that I was an omnivore. When that happened, the loose bonds of trust that I had formed with the girls could very well go out the window, and that terrified me. But still, there was little to be done about that right now, and I fought hard to let the thoughts blow away, deciding that my only option was to cross that bridge when I came to it.

Ensuring there was still space in the bag, I rushed around the house to grab things that I required aside from food. I gathered my swimming goggles, a towel, my phone charger, my toothbrush and accompanying toothpaste, some extra socks and boxers, and a spare change of clothes. Sneaking into Oliver’s room, I also stole one of his Swiss Army knives, knowing it would surely come in handy. I also grabbed a few rolls of toilet paper from the bathroom; going vegetarian was bad enough, I wasn’t going to use leaves to wipe my arse if I could help it. After that, I returned to the girls and said that I was just about ready, which was when Rarity brought me good tidings.

“While you were packing, I had a little word with Twilight, and she’s agreed to use a Pullie-Portal on you. This way, once you’ve delivered the dogs, you can be zipped straight back here!”

“That’s fantastic news!” I exclaimed, “Quick question, what the heck’s a Pullie-Portal?”

Clearing her throat, Rarity went on to explain that a Pullie-Portal was a two-part spell that essentially worked like a boomerang. The first part of the spell would be cast onto me, making me the boomerang. Then, at a later point in time, Twilight would cast the second part, which would teleport me straight to her location. With my jaw dropping, I couldn’t believe my ears; I was going to teleport!

“Um, Twilight… is it okay if I went with him?” asked Fluttershy, “I really want to see Bruce’s animal sanctuary.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, we’re not supposed to be seen by other humans.” Twilight ordered, “He goes alone.”

“Then how’re you going to know when to pull him back?” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

“Good point.” I said, putting my mouth to one side.

At that, Rarity cleared her throat for a second time and reminded us all that there were two unicorns present. She argued that with a simple cloaking spell, she could accompany me without the risk of being seen, and then magically ping Twilight when we were ready to return. Everyone praised Rarity once again for her clever thinking, and Twilight let out a disgruntled huff.

“Ugh fine, whatever gets us out of here sooner.”

“So… um… could I maybe…”

“Yes Fluttershy, you can go with them!” Twilight barked.

Springing up with delight, Fluttershy thanked the unicorn profusely. Rolling her eyes, Twilight ordered me to get on with beating up the house, which I had no objection to. Ready to rumble, I shot off upstairs with a devious chuckle. I went into my bedroom and retrieved my cricket bat from under the bed, of which I had once frequently used when I was at school. Now armed, and donning the biggest grin my mouth could manifest, I returned to the girls and presented the bat to them.

“What’s that for?” asked Pinkie.

“Do you really need to ask?” Rainbow laughed, knowing exactly what I planned to do with it.

Smirking at the pegasus, I tightened my grip on the handle and closed my eyes, inhaling deeply.

“Oh, I’ve waited a long time for this…”

Releasing the breath, I opened my eyes and bared my teeth.


“Daddy needs to express some rage…”





> Chapter Five: Dying to Live
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Crash!
“Oh yeah!”

Smash!
“Yee haw!”

Bang!
“Woo-hoo!”

Tap.
“Yay…”

Bash, crush, smack, crack and wallop, all throughout the house, a tempest of destruction waged war against the inanimate and the material, laughing and whooping all the while. Metal was bent, plastic was snapped, wood was splintered, and glass was shattered. We went to bloody town.

“Now this is what I needed!” I howled with delight as I lobbed Jan’s favourite coffee mug through the kitchen window.

Rainbow Dash galloped through the hall and skidded past me, stopping to buck the kitchen door. The bottom hinge broke and the top one bent, leaving the door hanging at a precarious angle. Applejack then came by and delivered the killing blow, kicking it in the middle and snapping the top hinge. Hurtling into the hall, the door hit the floor with a deafening smack.

“Yee haw!” she hooted, charging off to find something else to break.

Pinkie then ran into the kitchen to join us, where she suddenly froze on the spot, glaring intensely at the microwave. I was about to ask if she was alright, only for her to rear up and let off an ear-splitting war cry.

“Take this you mysterious evil voodoo box!”

She then headbutted the side of the microwave at full strength, breaking the components inside and causing it to quite literally explode, sending a flurry of sparks showering in all directions. Pinkie yelped loudly and jumped away from the appliance, scrambling on top of the kitchen countertop and arching her back like a scared cat.

“The voodoo box is spicy! The voodoo box is spicy!” she shrieked, hissing at the destroyed contraption.

The others came in to witness what had happened, while me, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash broke into full-on belly laughter, so creased up that we could barely keep ourselves standing.

“Pinkie, you absolute nutter!” I cackled, “Why did you call it a voodoo box!?”

“Because it cooks food with evil voodoo waves, duh!”

“That’s called radiation, Pinks, microwave radiation!”

“That’s what it wanted you to think, Callum!”

Laughing even harder, we pressed on with the carnage, and with Pinkie destroying one electrical appliance, I aimed to outdo her. Rushing into the lounge, I whacked the television with the cricket bat. There was a loud bang and I was rewarded with a cluster of sparks from the ruined screen. I jumped back with a shout, and Rarity sped over to see if I was alright, which I confirmed that I had never been better.

“Glad to hear it.” she breathed heavily, “Although I must admit, I do feel a little guilty for breaking so many things that don’t belong to me.”

I was about to respond, when she levitated a glass jug with her telekinesis, and then proceeded to launch it across the room and into the wall, completely and utterly obliterating it.

“Oh but by Celestia is it satisfying!”

We both burst into child-like laughter and continued to trash the house together. The adrenaline and euphoria coursing through me right now was exhilarating. It felt so good to break all this stuff, if for nothing else than the utter devastation it would bring Janice when she returned to it tomorrow. There were no real words to express how badly I needed this. All these years of torment from that woman, all the abuse, and I had bottled it, turning it inward and teaching myself that I deserved it somehow. It had twisted my mind and left me broken, instilling me with two malformed elements that were polar opposites of each other, and yet equally cataclysmal. One was the black void, the incurable depression that sucked all life and willpower from me, and swallowed the light of all things mirthful. The other element was a vengeful flame of bitterness and hatred, a wrathful, twisting pillar of fire that had been scorching and seething within me for years, and now it was time to set the house ablaze with it.

As we began to reach our fill of destruction, I decided to top it all off with the crème de la crème; the sliding door in the dining room. Being made of an enormous double-glazed pane of glass, smashing this would be a truly legendary moment… Telling the girls to stand back, I tensed every muscle in my body, and then swung my cricket bat as hard as I possibly could, spinning my whole body in the process. Letting go, the bat spun in the air, before landing exactly where I wanted it to. As the bat struck true, the entire pane screeched with dying agony as it shattered into half a million pieces. Each tiny fragment of glass twinkled faintly in the daylight and made a crystalline ‘clinking’ noise as they danced in the air during their rapid descent to the floor. It easily took a good five to ten seconds for the devastation to fall silent, at which point nopony spoke, for they were all captivated by the climactic grand finale of our staged break in. One could have heard a pin drop, until Rainbow Dash finally broke the silence.

“Dude… That was… That was awesome!”

Rearing up and flailing her front hooves in front of her, she let off a squeal. The other ponies then burst into cheering as well, with even Fluttershy letting out her famous little ‘woo-hoo’. However, for as exciting as this had all been, all good things must come to an end, and it ended by way of Twilight stepping in to cut the lights on the party.

“I thought you were staging a break in, not a hurricane.” she jeered, “But hey, I know it’s hard for your kind to show restraint when it comes to violence.”

“Oh come on, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash groaned, “This has been fun for all of us!”

“And that’s exactly what I’m worried about.” Twilight clapped back, “We’ve known this creature for a day, and he’s already influencing you all to vandalise property and destroy others’ possessions, you should all be ashamed of yourselves!”

Turning to me, she pointed to the mountains of broken glass that was now all over the floor.

“And as for this? Are you trying to get glass embedded in our hooves? Jeez, it’s not even been a full twenty-four hours yet and you’re already making attempts to hurt us. You actually can’t help yourself, can you?”

“Oh for goodness’ sake, this is getting ridiculous.” said Rarity, “Twilight, darling, just think on what you’re saying. All Callum did was blow off some steam, and we merrily joined in. Goodness knows we needed it, we’ve all been pent-up in that little camp, and you missy, have certainly not helped in that regard. As for all this glass, Callum was the one who told us all to back up, to make sure we didn’t get hurt!”

Shaking her head, Twilight would hear none of it, refusing to see my innocence.

“Really Rarity? Gosh, I thought you of all ponies would be smart enough to see through this façade.”

With a face like thunder, she went on with a hoof pointed at me.

“You have no idea what these things are like. I’m the only one who knows!”

Rarity gasped, horrified by Twilight defining me as a mere ‘thing’. However, although I was very rightfully offended, I chose not to speak for the time being, remaining in quiet observation as the situation unfolded before me. I was far less concerned with petty insults than I was with learning what Celestia had said to her pupil, and the truth was much more likely to reveal itself in the heat of an argument.

“How dare you address him in such a manner!” Rarity gasped, “We may not have known him long but-”

“But nothing!” Twilight spat back, “How can you be so blind to the truth when it’s right in front of you? Humans are monsters, ready to rip each other apart at a moment’s notice, along with everything around them! Did you know they’ve had more wars than Equestria has houses? This world is governed by evil. He is evil!”

{Some progress…} I thought with a hint of distaste.

If there was ever doubt before, there wasn’t now, it was abundantly clear that Celestia had made Twilight fully aware of our knack for war. The thing that bothered me was that she was technically right, and there was little I could do to deny that fact.

“Hey, he’s not evil!” Pinkie squeaked defiantly, “If he was, my Pinkie Sense would be going all twitchy twitcha-twitch!”

Swinging around to point a hoof into Pinkie's face, Twilight began to get herself into a state, failing more and more to remain composed.

“Oh yeah, like how your Pinkie Sense totally picked up on that changeling bitch when she disguised herself as Princess Cadence? And even if your Pinkie Sense was reliable, we don’t even know if it works here! Besides, I know he’s evil because Princess Celestia told me he’s evil, and who are we to question the Princess, huh?”

Obviously, Celestia’s word was gospel to the unicorn, and it was true that the Princess had warned her of the overall danger surrounding my kind. However, these had been words of mere caution, and the others were aware of that. Twilight on the other hand, had chosen to take the warning literally, and was now fixated on it, seeing the facts in black and white, and not realising that she was now coming across as delusional and obsessed.

Choosing to finally insert myself into the situation, I calmly requested clarification, asking if Princess Celestia had actually told her that I, personally, as a singular individual, was evil. Despite my gentle approach, I received a scathing glare from the unicorn, who responded by giving me the politician’s reply, making a statement that aligned with her argument, but didn’t actually answer the question.

“The Princess told me about your conflicts and the death tolls they carry. She told me all about your weapons of mass destruction, and how all your nations were founded with genocide and slavery! Your species is evil, and even if you aren’t the worst of your kind, you’re still a human nonetheless. You can pretend to my friends as much as you like, but I know what you are!”

For once, no one rushed to my defence, but I didn’t need them to. There was a very easy way to counter the politician’s reply, all one needed to do was repeat the question.

“So that’s a no, then?” I put forward, craning my neck, “She didn’t tell you directly that I’m evil? That’s what I’m getting from this. All she’s done is warn you about my world’s past to emphasise that you’re in a dangerous place, but only a fool would judge someone for the sins of their forefathers.”

My choice of words had the others back on my side, with Rarity silently nodding in agreement with my statement. Continuing, I made sure Twilight didn’t escape this conflict without admitting that she hadn’t told the exact truth.

“I’m a seventeen-year-old kid, Twilight, I have no connection to any of humanity’s past. The worst thing I’m guilty of is being my mother’s son. But hey, if you’re so confident about who I am, then give us all a straight answer. Yes or no, did Princess Celestia tell you, word for word, that I’m evil?”

She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t say yes or no. However, she didn’t need to, because what she did do, was at last spill the beans. Lowering her head and glaring at me intensely, she practically hissed her answer.

“She didn’t have to tell me. She showed me…”

Everyone turned to look at her, and then back at me. What the hell did that mean? Had Celestia been recording me? I mean, she must have been studying me for a while at least, otherwise why would she send the girls to me in the first place? Had she captured a moment that could be taken out of context? A boxing match perhaps? Being an alicorn goddess, I presumed she could twist any sort of vision to her liking, so maybe she had depicted me in some negative light to spook Twilight. But she must have deemed me worthy for this task, so why on earth would she then provide Twilight with the means to believe I was evil?
Oh, this was so bloody confusing…

“Well, now we’re finally getting somewhere.” I grumbled, concealing my inner anxiety, “And what did the Princess show you exactly, huh?”

The unicorn’s eyes widened as it dawned on her that she had given away too much.

“That’s… That’s none of your business!”

“Actually, I think it is my business.” I snapped back, “You’re insinuating that you’ve seen something that’s brought you to the conclusion that I'm evil. That is something I am well entitled to know, so how about we stop playing this stupid game and you tell us what you've seen?”

Having raised my voice quite substantially, Twilight looked to me once again in fear. The unspoken struggle for dominance was finally beginning to shift. Before she could speak, I continued.

“Look, if we’re going to find this Orb of yours, then this nonsense needs to stop. At some point, you’re going to have to tell us what the Princess showed you, so we can discuss it and actually deliberate over what you think you’ve seen. Because as of right now, it’s abundantly clear to me that you’ve been shown something that is woefully untrue.”

Up until that last sentence, I had hit all the right beats; every single word I had said was spot on. But alas, I had made one fatal error.

“Are you calling Princess Celestia a liar?”

“I don’t know what her motivations are,” I replied honestly, “and I’m sure it’s with the best intentions, designed to protect you all, obviously. But from what you’re telling me, Twilight? Yeah, I’m saying she’s lied to you to some extent.”

Oh Callum, you fucking idiot…
Princess Celestia was Twilight’s mentor, her guiding light, and a literal goddess of whom she worshipped, and I had just blasphemed against her. Everything that came from Celestia’s mouth was undeniable truth to her, and now here I was, daring to suggest that her deity was a liar. In Twilight’s eyes, I had just committed an act of heresy, and somewhere in her mind, something very brittle snapped. Her intense glare became infinitely more vicious and she started to bare her teeth, her ears now flattened against the sides of her head; this wasn’t just excessive tiredness and stress, there was a much deeper mental issue going on here.

“I don’t think you should have said that…” Pinkie Pie whispered to me, wincing as she spoke.

With her left eye twitching, Twilight’s anger came to a threshold, and finally erupted.

“You… you… you vile, ignoble, pygmy pink-skinned flesh-golem! You deserve everything your mother does to you, you putrescent dung-eating charlatan!”

The others emitted shocked gasps, with Fluttershy covering her mouth and Pinkie’s eyes practically bulging out of their sockets. Turning tail, Twilight galloped away, back outside to her camp, with Rainbow Dash and Rarity both preparing to chase her down.

“You get back here right now! How DARE you!” Rarity shrieked, utterly livid.

“You freaking jerk!” Rainbow Dash shouted in tow, now completely red in the face.

They were just about to run after the unicorn when I put one hand out, and begged them not to. Turning to face me with their mouths agape.

“But-”

“But nothing, Rainbow Dash, please.” I interjected, my voice cracking slightly, “No more arguments…”

Seeing how watery my eyes were, they knew that enough was enough and acquiesced my plea. I wasn’t even all that upset by Twilight’s horrid remarks, it was more the confrontation itself that had got to me. I hated conflict, and the simple act of someone shouting at me was what had put tears in my eyes. But for what it was worth, this little eruption had been incredibly revealing, with Twilight accidentally alluding to the fact that her behaviour wasn’t down to something she had been told, but something she had seen.

{Now to find out what that was…} the thought echoed in my mind.

Clearing her throat, Applejack came forward and apologised that Twilight had spoken to me in such a way, and offered to go and talk to her, not to scold her or provoke her, but simply to calm her down. Although I didn’t want to risk any further conflict, I thought that perhaps it might be good to have a middle-man in the fold, or in this case, a middle-mare. I swayed my head in Twilight’s direction to confirm the offer, to which the farm pony tipped her hat to me and took her leave. Rainbow Dash watched after her and snorted with disgust, pressing a hoof into the floor and kneading it angrily. Suggesting that we went outside as well, I plodded over to the ironwood tree, where I had tethered the dogs for the time being while we smashed up the house. Sitting down, I let Chilli hop into my lap and I stroked her affectionately, knowing it would be one of the last times I ever would.

“Callum, I cannot even begin to tell you how infuriated I am at Twilight’s behaviour.” said Rarity, sitting down beside me, “I’m shocked and appalled at the way she spoke to you.”

Lowering her head, she let out a heavy sigh.

“We would all understand, and not blame you at all, if you weren’t so keen on helping us now.” she added, “Though I really do hope this doesn’t change your decision.”

Shaking my head, I lay such worries to rest.

“It doesn’t. I take my promises very seriously. There’s nothing Twilight could do, or say, that could change my mind. We’re in this together now, okay?”

A handful of the girls exhaled with relief, and I beckoned them all close so that I could reason with them further. They huddled around me, and I took in a big breath.

“I don’t know Twilight personally, but it’s pretty clear that this isn’t what she’s normally like, is it?”

Everyone nodded, to which I continued.

“Well, unlike the rest of you, she’s not coping well with the responsibility of this undertaking. But I don’t blame her, and for what it’s worth, a lot of the things she’s said are true. I’m not going to lie to you, my species has a very dark history. We’re capable of terrible things, but that’s only half the story, and for all the capacity we have for bad, we have just as much capacity for good.”

“Like Kung Fu Panda?” asked Pinkie Pie, “Because that was really good.”

“Yeah Pinkie, like Kung Fu Panda.” I chuckled, “We love telling stories and creating works of art. We love to entertain one another, and bring light into the lives of others. We’re singers, we’re dancers, poets, and musicians. We write, we play, we laugh, and we love.”

Hearing the passion in my voice, the girls looked upon me endearingly, taken by my words.

“And yet,” I murmured, “for all those wonderful things, Twilight remains absolutely right. There are bad people in this world, people who will hurt you if they get the chance, and if the Titans’ Orb is scattered across the planet, then chances are we’re going to be running into those people. This mission of yours is more dangerous than you can possibly imagine, and Twilight is terrified.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t give her a free pass to treat you like garbage!” Rainbow Dash protested.

Turning to face her, I put my head to one side and inhaled through my nose.

“No,” I agreed, “and along the way, we’ll try to sort that out. But you have to understand, those bad people out there, who will hurt you? She thinks I’m one of those people. She’s not being rude to me because she’s nasty, she’s being rude to me because she’s scared to death of me.”

Looking away, the cyan pegasus frowned, knowing with reluctance that I was right. Pressing on, I explained that we simply needed to embark on this mission together, and that hopefully, as the days went by, she would overcome her fear, and finally see me for the person that I was.

“Until then,” I said, swallowing, “we just need to accept that she isn’t going to like me, and probably isn’t going to treat me very well. But that’s okay. Trust me, it’ll pale in comparison to what my mum’s put me through.”

“No, that’s not okay.” Fluttershy piped up, “You can’t use your mother’s actions to justify Twilight’s.”

“I’m not justifying it.” I replied, “I’m saying that’s how it needs to be, and that I can handle it. Look, I know this isn’t going to sit well with any of you, but if my job, as ordained by Princess Celestia herself, is to be your guide and protector, then that’s what I’m going to do. She didn’t send you here for me to be your friend, she sent you here because for some reason, she thinks I’m the man for the job, and I intend to prove her right. I’m going to keep you all safe, and I’m going to make sure you go home with that Orb, and if Twilight chooses to hate me every step of the way, then so be it. Your safety, and success in this mission, is far more important.”

At this closing statement, Rarity leaned against my arm and sighed.

“Callum, that’s so selfless of you to say, I can see now why the Princess sent us to you. I for one, think you are very brave.”

I lowered my head and smirked at the compliment. Not that I had said any of it for praise, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t hoped at least one of them would take my earnestness to heart. And then, in all her boyish immaturity, Rainbow Dash just had to ruin the moment.

“Ooooooooohh, someone’s got a crush.”

Scoffing loudly, Rarity was taken off-guard and practically beatboxed as she tried to gather her words, pulling away from me and scowling.

“Oh! Pff! Kch! Ts! Rainbow Dash, shame on you!”

“I’m just kidding, Rare! Jeez, chill out!”

Pinkie and Fluttershy giggled, and I begged for nopony else to get into any arguments. They dropped it in a heartbeat, followed by Applejack returning from her diplomatic mission.

“Well, I’ve calmed her down some, but I can tell you sure as eggs, she don’t like you one bit…”

“Tell us something we don’t know.” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

Ignoring Rainbow’s remark, I dipped my head in gratitude.

“Thank you Applejack, as long as she’s civil and focused on the mission, that’s all that matters.”

Giving a weak smile in reply, AJ went on to ask what we were going to do now, to which I decided that we ought to move onto the next part of the plan. With the house trashed and Bruce probably wondering where I was by now, it was high time for us to get out of here. We needed Twilight to create my clone so that I could kill it, and then for me to deliver the dogs to Bruce, then at long last, we could hit the road. Flinching, Fluttershy took a step away from me, taken aback.

“Um… k-kill the clone?”

Knowing full-well how bad it sounded, I confirmed that I did intend to kill the clone. With a nervous gulp, I explained that faking my death needed to be as realistic as possible, as human forensics were painstakingly scrupulous. After all, the whole point of trashing the house was to imply someone had broken in and killed me, it had to be convincing. Perceiving the truth in my words, Fluttershy looked down at her hooves, not knowing what to say. The others were all somewhat similar, unsure of how to conduct themselves in the face of this ugly business that needed tending to.

“Callum dear, are you absolutely sure about this?” asked Rarity, her face taut with concern.

Honestly, no, I wasn’t sure about this at all… Beginning to mentally backtrack, I thought that perhaps it was too much. Perhaps I just ought to write a suicide note and vanish without a trace? But then people would go searching for my body, it would end up as a permanently unsolved investigation as to where I’d gone.
No, killing the clone was absolutely necessary, I had to make sure there weren’t any loose ends, something even Twilight would agree to. Plus, we had already trashed the house now, there was no turning back. Besides, I wasn’t actually killing anybody, it was just a clone we were talking about. Twilight had said it herself, it was nothing more than a magical construct, resembling me. It would be no different to switching off a robot with artificial intelligence, any semblance of life was an illusion. I told the girls this, and it helped them find peace in what needed to be done.

“If it’s all the same to you though,” said Rarity, “I’d rather not watch.”

{Oh shit, did they think they had to watch me do it!?} I thought to myself.

Shaking my head, I assured her that I wasn’t at all expecting for them to watch. Following that, Rainbow Dash said something that had me genuinely infuriated.

“Well uh, I don’t mind watching. You never know, with all the potential danger ahead of us, we might need to kill someone, if they attack us first I mean, obviously. Maybe it would be good to know what we’re in for?”

Breathing in sharply, I whipped around to glare at her with a face like thunder.

“Absolutely not, and don’t you ever say something like that again. The whole reason you were sent to me was so that I can keep you away from such things!”

My sudden change in attitude certainly got the message across. How could she have said something like that? The very notion was enough to disturb me, and the fact she had even suggested it made me realise just how little I really knew about these ponies. I had been lovingly watching them and their adventures for four seasons now, and yet it seemed like I would need to unlearn so much of what I thought I knew.

“I’m sorry…” Rainbow mumbled, “I just-”

“It’s fine.” I cut in, “But I mean it, never say something like that again.”

Shame befell the pony as she understood the severity of her words. Bowing her head, she made her remorse known, and given that she had learned her lesson, I forgave her. Exhaling slowly through pursed lips, I decided that we had dilly-dallied enough.

“Applejack, it’s time. Can you go and fetch Twilight?”

She obeyed without uttering a word, and I turned to the others to find them all looking awfully glum.

“Hey, once this is over and done with, we can leave, and we never have to revisit it, okay?” I assured them.

“You’re right.” Rarity answered, lifting her chin, “It’s just that, with all this talk of death and whatnot, I can’t help but worry about what’s going on back home, I’m just feeling a bit homesick.”

The others were evidently dwelling on similar thoughts, for they all nodded in agreement.

“I’m so worried about my little Angel Bunny…” Fluttershy sighed.

The poor things, they were a very long way from home, and they were going to be for a long time, it made perfect sense for them to have home on their minds. That was when a realisation dawned upon me. When I had read the ‘My Little Dashie’ fanfiction, it had been explained that the time between our worlds was distorted; an entire year in my world was merely a day in theirs. If that story was true, of which I had no reason to believe that it wasn’t, then this meant that we had months, years even, to look for the Orb fragments. Right now in Equestria, no more than a couple of minutes had passed since the girls were transported here. As I looked to the others I started beaming, finally equipped with some good news to share.

“Well, you don’t need to be worried.” I began, “There’s something you should know, about how time works between our worlds.”

Fluttershy looked at me and tilted her head, and the others all did too.

“As it happens,” I continued, “a single day in your world is a whole year in mine. It may feel like you’ve been gone for two weeks, but back in Equestria, you’ve only been gone for a few minutes at best!”

“Goodness!” Rarity exclaimed, “Is that really true?”

“Really really.” I replied.

And then from behind me came a shrill, disgruntled voice.

“And how… did you come to learn that?”

{Oh, shit.}

I turned around to face Twilight, who quickly used her magic to open the saddlebag she was now wearing. Before I could speak, she had retrieved a piece of parchment, which she then began to read aloud for us all to hear.



“Mission Note Number Sixteen.

My dear Twilight.
I write you this guiding text, one of many, to help you in your mission.

As explained to you during the briefing, there was an incident in the past, one pertaining to the world you now find yourself on. Though I unfortunately cannot divulge to you the surrounding factors of that incident, what I can tell you is a vital piece of information, of which may ease your burden surrounding the time you will undoubtedly spend away from home.

With absolute certainty, I can attest that the flow of time differs between Earth’s dimension and that of our own. For reasons I cannot explain, one full year in their world is no less than a single day in ours, effectively slowing down Equestria’s time, from your perspective of course. In the time it has taken you to read this, I have likely blinked all but once.

Fortunately, this convoluted and seemingly fractured working of time very much plays into our advantage, as you and your company now have more time to locate the Titans’ Orb than we ever could have dared to ask for. This is not to say that you should move leisurely, as for all the additional time that you have been granted, it is still very much of the essence.

Take flight, stay safe, and know in your heart that I have every faith in you.

Good luck, my faithful student.

Yours with resplendence and grace,
Princess Celestia.”



The others looked at Twilight, then back to me, then back again to Twilight. Stuffing the note back into her bag, she took a step towards me and spoke to me through gritted teeth.

“How did you get a hold of my notes?”

Having just shot myself in the foot by telling the girls about this information, I was left with three options, and neither of them would reflect well on me. My first option was to tell them about the incident in question, to divulge to them about how Rainbow Dash had been sent here by mistake, reverting her back to a foal in the process. Telling them the truth might earn Twilight’s trust, but in doing so, I could risk causing the ‘irreversible damages’ that Rarity had mentioned. Perhaps it would cause Rainbow to recover her memories, which could ultimately break her mind from remembering two separate lives. Even if that ended up not being the case, I would be acting directly against Princess Celestia, and if she ever found out, I could very well find myself facing the sun god’s wrath.

My second option was to tell a half-truth, and simply tell them that I knew about the incident, and considering that Celestia had removed their memories, I would respect her ordainment and speak no further on the matter. This may again, gain favour from Twilight, as I was displaying loyalty to the Princess, but this posed a different issue. As I had explained to the girls already, I didn’t even think they were real until yesterday, so for me to suddenly claim knowledge over dimensional time distortion very simply didn’t add up. In other words, there was very little possibility that I could choose this option without seeming like a liar, I would have to word it very well.

As for my third option, I could very simply admit to getting into Twilight’s bag and reading her notes. I had been to their camp now when I had found Twilight crying in her tent, and her bag was just outside it. This was the safest option as far as impact went, but it would also cause further damage to my already-horrendous relationship with Twilight.

And then, I had an idea, and it was one that, although deceitful, would reflect well on me across the board. Very simply, I would stick with the second option for now, and as soon as Twilight was out of earshot, I would admit to the girls that I had perused through her notes in a desperate bid to understand why she was being so horrible to me. The girls would be sympathetic, and all would be well.

I didn’t feel good about turning the ordeal into a scheme, but with Twilight still waiting for an answer, I didn’t have time to deliberate further. Inhaling deeply, I chose the second option, and hoped for the best.

“I didn’t touch your notes.” I said calmly, “I know that fact from elsewhere.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“You said you didn’t know we existed,” she growled, “so how could you possibly know, huh?”

“Because I know what happened the last time you were here.”

I heard a few sharp breaths from behind me, and even Twilight became more curious than angry. From here, I needed to choose my words wisely, and to some degree, I believed that I did.

“I heard about it from someone, another person like me, a brony, I mean. He wrote about it in the form of a story, and it very explicitly mentions the distortion of time between our worlds. I didn’t believe it at first, it was just a fantasy. But here you all are, which means the story is true. That’s how I know, and that’s all I’m telling you.”

“I beg your pardon?” said Rarity from behind me, “You can’t just say something like this and then refuse to tell us more!”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash joined in, furrowing her brow, “What gives, dude?”

Glancing at them for a moment, I clenched my jaw and fought against the waves of panic that thrashed at the walls of my mind. Being at the centre of such a confrontation had me so far from my comfort zone that it was practically intercontinental at this point. Swallowing, I forced myself to remain calm and pressed on.

“You said it yourself Rarity, the Princess removed your memories to prevent irreversible damages. If I were to tell you, it could very well cause those damages, and that’s something I can’t allow. On top of that, telling you would be against the Princess’ wishes, and I think even you can agree with me, Twilight, that I should follow Princess Celestia’s orders above all else. To do otherwise would be a direct act of disobedience to her, wouldn’t you agree?”

The purple unicorn froze with her mouth faintly ajar. Like a deer in the headlights, she stared at me with unblinking eyes, knowing that there was nothing she could say or do to argue with this. As we had already established, Celestia’s word was gospel to Twilight, her edicts absolute and incontestable. With trembling lips, the unicorn warred with the inner turmoil as she desperately coveted what I knew, but by her own mentor’s decree, such knowledge was forbidden. Looking at her friends, Twilight’s face sank as she forced out two words that seemed about as wounding for her as they were relieving for me.

“He’s right.”

Gulping, the others knew that Twilight would never have agreed with me under normal circumstances.

“I don’t like it, but he’s right.” she went on, before looking at me in disgust, “You can keep your damn secret, and if the Princess really doesn’t want us knowing, then I expect you not to bring it up again.”

Dipping my head, I promised that I wouldn’t mention it from here on out. This had ended up playing out perfectly, and it was hard not to express my immense relief. Twilight had now ordered me not to talk about it any more, meaning the girls couldn’t direct their confusion my way. Sure, I knew something they didn’t, but it was up to both Twilight and the Princess if they wanted to find out about it. In other words, I was off the hook, and I didn’t even need to lie to the others about reading Twilight’s notes.

“Well, shall we get this clone business out of the way?” I proposed, changing the subject.

Nodding, Twilight turned around and began strutting her way indoors. I followed her with the girls at my side, who still looked at me warily, perplexed by the sudden development that I knew about their previous visit. Entering the kitchen, Rarity anxiously stepped forward and made her thoughts known.

“Um, Callum… I have to ask. How exactly do you intend to deal with this clone? I appreciate you’ve explained that you mean to kill it, but, how exactly do you mean to… uh…”

Before I could even think of an answer, Twilight levitated a grapefruit out of the nearby fruit bowl, along with a kitchen knife from the rack. Looking at Rarity blankly, she drove the knife into the fruit and twisted it, spraying citrus juice all over the countertop.

“Get the picture?”

With a gulp, Rarity nodded, and Twilight passed the knife to me, releasing it from her telekinetic hold.

“You know what to do.” she said gruffly, “Being a human, it ought to come naturally, right?”

“Let’s get this over with.” I muttered back to her.

With her horn glowing, Twilight performed the spell from earlier. I felt all the same sensations as the magic copied every physical detail of my body. The stream of light started escaping from my chest, and just like before, it came together to make a round blob, which then stretched out into the shape of a human being. And then there he was, my very own self, but there was something different about this one. Though he was clearly breathing, his eyes were glassy and unblinking, it was as though he were already dead. Taking notice of my observation, Twilight explained what was wrong with him.

“The more simple a clone is, the less mana it takes to create it.” she said, “This one is as simple as they come, it has no neural activity, or even a functioning nervous system. It’s effectively a vegetable, the lights are on but no one’s home.”

“That just sounds like me normally.” I retorted, smirking at her.

Scoffing loudly, Twilight tried to hide her amusement, though she failed to do so. Shaking her head, she led the others outside and told me to come out when the deed was done. Now isolated with the clone, I turned to face him and waved my hands in front of his eyes, to which he didn’t even blink. He truly was a vegetable, devoid of all substance resembling humanity. After poking and prodding him a few times, I felt assured by the construct’s witless and unfeeling state. Clearing my throat, I tightened my grip on the knife and prepared to strike him down, but just as I was about to do it, I froze. Those glassy forest-green eyes were my eyes, bearing that vibrant ring of hazel around the pupil. That smooth symmetrical face, devoid of blemishes or imperfections, was my face.

Even in the clone’s inanimate, witless, unfeeling state, it was still me.
I was still stabbing me…

The weight of this task dawned on me, which then seemed to pour into the knife itself, as the little instrument almost became too heavy for me to bear. My hands started to tremble like leaves in the wind, and the blade shimmered in response, reflecting the bright summer sunlight as it poured in through the kitchen window. My mouth went dry and I became deaf to the world around me. Closing my eyes, I tried to quell the dread and remind myself that it was no different to the grapefruit Twilight had just stabbed.

{Come on Callum, it’s just a grapefruit.} I thought to myself, {A great big human shaped grapefruit…}

Inhaling deeply, I forced all thoughts from my mind and leaned forward, lunging at the clone as hard as I could, and denying myself the ability to consider what I was doing.

And the knife struck true.



There was a loud thud as the knife buried itself into my doppelgänger’s gut, and I gave it a firm twist for good measure. I tugged the blade back out and stared at what I had done, watching as the clone shirt became darker and darker as it soaked up as much blood as it could. And then, the clone’s organs started shutting down. His knees buckled and he fell backwards, smacking his head on the floor amidst all the broken glass and ceramic. Looking at the knife in my hand, I found it to be slick with blood, and a small amount of it had found its way to my fingers and my palm. For a moment I felt like I was going to be sick and rushed to the kitchen sink, dropping the knife as I did so. My mouth salivated heavily, and my mind began to spin. It took me a few minutes to get a hold of myself, and then I turned on the hot tap to wash my hands. Using a generous amount of dish soap, I scrubbed and scrubbed away, until there was no more blood to be seen, and then I got the hell out of there, not daring to look back.

Shutting the back door behind me, I found the others patiently waiting near the ironwood tree. I stumbled towards them, and all their expressions soured upon seeing the state of me.

“Is it done?” said Twilight.

Rarity and Applejack then rushed over to me, both asking if I was alright. I tried to speak, but no words came forth, with my lips quivering at the attempt. The best I could do was force a perceptible nod, to which Twilight raised her chin.

“Good, then you can get moving with your dogs, the sooner the better.”

Applejack, realising just how traumatised I was, went over to Twilight and forced her to look at me properly.

“You can see clear as apples that he’s in shock.” she hissed, “For pity’s sake, give him a moment!”

After a few seconds, Twilight dipped her head in understanding.

“We can at least move to the camp.” she ordered, “Then we can start packing.”

Obeying without question, we made our way over there. Twilight removed the cloaking spell and Applejack sat me down in the grass with the dogs, where she kept a keen eye on me while the others started dismantling the tents. Stroking Chilli’s soft fur and feeling Archer’s presence definitely helped to calm me down, but deep within my mind, a thought kept playing over and over again, taunting me relentlessly.


{I just killed myself.}





> Chapter Six: The Last Walk
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





After a good twenty minutes of battling the constant ebb and flow of nausea and dizziness, the shock finally began to subside. It was of course, something I would still need time to properly process, but for now I was capable of burying the memory, and pressing on with the next task at hand. I got to my feet and picked up Chilli’s lead, which she reacted to by zipping around excitedly, her little stump tail wagging furiously as she prepared for her all-time favourite activity, a walk. Looking at her with a weak smile, it felt like a dagger to the heart to acknowledge she had no comprehension that this was the last walk I would ever go on with her. Taking a deep breath, I went over to Applejack, who had been giving Archer some loving attention.

“This here’s a fine pooch.” she said upon me reaching her, “I wish Equestria had ones like him. I could see myself having two of them after Winona goes, accompanying me with chores and such, guarding the farm, and keeping me company when Apple Bloom flies the nest, know what I mean?”

Maintaining just enough focus to reply, I tilted my head.

“You don’t think Apple Bloom will stay on the farm?”

“Pfft, not a chance!” she scoffed, letting out a one-syllable laugh, “Sure, she likes to help out now, but farm life ain’t for that filly forever. I reckon she’ll go adventuring with them Crusaders of hers, go see the wider world and make me worry about her.”

Warmed by AJ’s loving, supportive, and somewhat maternal outlook to her little sister, I couldn’t help but smile.

“Well depending on how things turn out on this adventure, perhaps we could find a way to send you home with a couple of pups?” I suggested, “You could raise them out there, and be the proud owner of Equestria’s one and only pair of Scottish Deerhounds.”

“You know, I might actually take you up on that.” she hummed.

She then got up to her hooves and allowed me to clip Archer’s lead to his collar. Tipping her hat to me, she wished me luck and went to finish up packing her things. Going over to Twilight, I thanked her for giving me the time to gather myself. Simply humming in response, she turned to Rarity and asked if she remembered how to use her pinging spell.

“Oh don’t be so ridiculous, I’d sooner forget I’m a lady!” Rarity tutted loudly, “Honestly Twilight…”

Trilling her lips, Twilight proceeded with casting the Pullie-Portal onto her fellow unicorn, followed by imbuing Fluttershy with the spell as well. She then cast it onto me, and as her horn flashed brightly, an intense vibration rippled through my body, and this time, it hurt. Like a million paper-cuts beneath my skin, I opened my mouth and tried to cry out, only for my vision to be taken up by a brilliant white, the purest white I had ever seen. All reality seemed to cease existing, and I felt more weightless than I had ever been.

{What the hell is going on? Where am I?} I tried to say aloud, but the words only echoed in my mind as thought.

I went to hold out my hands to look at them, only to find nothing there, and upon looking down, I found that I was lacking a body entirely. Had something gone wrong with the spell? Was I… dead? The irony certainly wouldn’t be lost if I was, having killed my clone just mere moments ago. Then a darker thought crossed my mind, if I was dead, had Twilight possibly done it on purpose? With how paranoid and frightened she was, it wasn’t all that unlikely that she may have given in to the fear, and taken me out before I could allegedly do the same unto her.

But if that was true, then where was I? And for that matter, how was I still consciously thinking? Twilight had mentioned my soul when she explained how cloning spells work, meaning that souls really did exist, and mine had quite possibly just left my body. With how blindingly white everything was, I half expected to see some pearly gates, but in the end, no such thing presented itself. All around me, the empty bright world began to darken, and soon enough, where white had once been, blackness now dwelled, which like water to a flame, extinguished my consciousness.


Slowly coming to, my first sensation was pain, in the form of an agonising pounding in my head. Following that, my whole body became riddled from top to bottom with paresthesia, and that didn’t just apply to my outer body; from tongue to testes, the sensation ran rampant. It was certainly a new experience, and a wholly unpleasant one at that. My ears rang and my very eyeballs prickled, it was horrible! After a few moments of trying to regain my senses, a faint voice spoke to me.

“Callum?”

I barely heard it, for it was muffled and echoey. The voice then spoke again, a little louder this time, and I felt a nudging against my arm.

“Callum, can you hear me?”

The voice was female, gentle and formal in tone, and so I could only presume that it was Rarity. I squinted my eyes tightly and then reopened them, to see a big white fuzzy blob in front of me, with a deep purple swirl on top.

{Yeah, that’s Rarity all right…} I groaned in thought.

Her hoof was resting on my bicep, gently trying to rouse me. And then without warning, a dark shape descended upon me, and my face was suddenly besieged by a massive, warm, wet tongue. Shaking my head and blinking repeatedly, I found the invasive shape to be Archer, lapping at me with concern. Emitting a husky grumble, I pushed his muzzle away with my hands.

“Oh get off me, you hairy old parsnip…”

Applejack pulled the dog away and Fluttershy helped me sit up. With my vision finally returning properly, I looked around to find myself on the ground, surrounded by the girls. Sighing with relief, Rarity put a foreleg around my neck, hugging me loosely.

“Oh thank goodness you’re alright.” she fretted, “You gave us a real fright there!”

“What uh… What happened?” I slurred.

“You collapsed after Twilight cast the Pullie-Portal on you.” she explained, “You’ve been unconscious for the past few minutes!”

Having the good grace to explain, Twilight stepped forward and cleared her throat.

“This isn’t something that’s totally unheard of. There have actually been quite a few cases of ponies blacking out when exposed to strong spells. All the studies have shown that it’s caused by an individual’s inherent resistance to magic. It’s an educated guess, but seeing as you blacked out in the exact same fashion, I would presume that you have a resistance of your own. You’re not magic-proof, but you are more, let’s say difficult, to maintain a spell on.”

“Right then.” I croaked, “Good to know.”

“Either way, the Pullie-Portal is good to go now.” she told me, “Get up and get moving.”

Still suffering from a touch of dizziness, I got to my feet with care, and then took the dogs from Fluttershy, who had kept them under control while I was out. Twilight then cast her invisibility spell onto the pegasus, and then onto Rarity.

“Damn, that’s freaky.” I murmured, gazing at them.

Both ponies were now rendered almost completely incognito, they didn’t even cast shadows. The only thing that could be seen of them was a very faint distortion of the light where they stood, not too dissimilar to how the Yautja’s active camouflage worked in the ‘Alien versus Predator’ franchise.

“These will only last for about an hour, so make it quick.” Twilight commanded.

Without another word, I led my invisible companions to the side gate on the land, which led out to a local field. I planned to lead the girls through the woods and fields as much as possible, which was the route I often took to Bruce’s house anyway. Beckoning the dogs by lightly tugging on their leads, we set off, marching at a steady, albeit hurried pace.

Passing my dogs a fond glance, I watched as Chilli and Archer both enjoyed their final walk with me, their tongues lolling out without a care in the world. They seemed absolutely fine with two invisible alien ponies trotting along beside them, and I supposed that their now-familiar scents were enough to indicate that they weren’t threatening. Conversation was lacking as we made our way along, but the atmosphere was still pleasant, we were all just enjoying the walk. Archer lazily plodded along beside me, while Chilli excitedly pranced about in front of us, occasionally darting from side to side to investigate interesting smells.

As we emerged from the trees and into the next open field, the summer sun greeted us kindly, wrapping us in its warmth, and the cooling breeze that accompanied it was the perfect balance. It didn’t take us all that long to cross the field, reaching the great oaks beyond them in just a few minutes. Up ahead was now the main road, and as we approached, Rarity commented on how wide the path was. And then, before I could say anything, the unicorn had stuck her head out from the trees and was about to step onto the asphalt, not realising until the last moment that a car was hurtling down the road. Before she knew what was up, the vehicle whizzed by at about fifty miles an hour, almost taking the poor unicorn’s head off. She emitted a loud yelp and jumped back, stumbling over and landing heavily onto her bottom, with enough force to dispel her invisibility. With an abrupt shimmer, the unicorn came back into view, looking at me with an expression of terror and confusion.

“Bloody hell!” I exclaimed, “Rarity! Are you alright?”

“Wha-What in Tartarus was that?” she panted, still getting over the scare.

Rushing over to her, I knelt down and checked her over, replying as I did so.

“That was a car, and one going well over the speed limit… This is a road, Rarity, not a walking path, they’re made specifically for cars, so they can get around with speed.”

“Goodness.” she muttered, still shaking, “If I was any further out there, it would have hit me.”

“That’s why we don’t cross roads without looking both ways first.” I told her, shaking my head, “Cars very rarely stop, especially at that speed, and most assuredly not for invisible ponies!”

“I'll certainly keep that in mind,” she sighed, calming down, “Obviously, I’ve seen a few cars since we arrived, but never up close. They’re so much faster than I thought…”

“Well, let’s just hope you never see one that close again, ey?” I suggested, “The damn thing almost splattered you!”

Gulping nervously, she nodded in agreement. This had caused one hell of a problem; with her invisibility dispelled, Rarity would have to remain here in the treeline until me and Fluttershy returned, and she was not happy about it. I assured her that we would be as quick as possible, and she sullenly plonked herself down amongst the thickest bushes, muttering bitterly to herself. Fluttershy and I then approached the road together and prepared to cross, and now that she had seen how fast they could be first-hoof, she stuck to me like glue. After checking that the coast was clear, we made our way across.

We were now on the street, and although there weren’t any people, I was a bit disconcerted by the sound of her hooves clopping on the pavement. I asked if she could step any quieter, which caused her to inhale sharply.

“Oh goodness, I hadn’t even thought of that, I’m sorry!”

The clopping sound stopped and I felt a faint gust of wind, accompanied by even smaller gusts every few seconds, indicating that she had taken flight.

“Is that any better?” she whispered.

“Much better.” I confirmed, playfully winking at her.

We continued onward to Bruce’s house, and along the way, Fluttershy tried to apologise for Twilight’s behaviour. She assured me that Twilight wasn’t this kind of pony back in Equestria, and that it was breaking her heart to see her friend become so unkind, and so unlike herself. Unable to see her still, I smiled warmly in the general direction of her whereabouts, hoping to show my gratitude.

“Thank you Fluttershy, that’s really nice of you to say, but I’m afraid it’s not your apology to make, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for. As I said earlier, I don’t need her to be my friend, I just need her to cooperate with me as much as she can, so we can get through this mission together.”

She hummed quietly, not knowing how to respond.

“Oh, but I have to ask.” I went on, “Earlier, she called me a… what was it, a pygmy pink-skinned flesh-golem? I’m guessing that it was supposed to be some sort of horrible insult, but honestly, it bewildered me more than anything. I get that the pink-skinned bit was just a jab at my furlessness, but could you elaborate to me as to what the hell a flesh-golem is?”

Bursting into a giggle, Fluttershy said that it was a dreadfully thought-up insult.

“She was basically trying to say you were a little golem, just because they walk on two legs. They’re usually made from clay or rocks, so she just blurted out that you were a flesh one, it was so silly! Oh, but I hope it didn’t hurt your feelings, did it?”

“Not really.” I chuckled, “So, golems are a real thing in Equestria then?”

“Oh yes!” she confirmed, “They’re quite peaceful most of the time, but they’re very scary when they’re in a bad mood.”

Astounded, I demanded more information about them, to which she explained that golems were naturally occurring magical constructs that dwelled in the Everfree Forest. They were great big bipedal beings that fed on metal ores and such. Though they mainly kept away from civilisation, some of the more avaricious ones would sometimes leave the forest in search of more concentrated metals to eat, posing quite a danger to ponies.

“Man, that’s wild…” I hummed, “Well, thanks for telling me about them, I’d love to know more about the creatures in your world. As you’ve probably gathered by now, our world has no magic, so there aren’t many fantastical creatures to gawk at.”

“Of course, I’d be happy to tell you about all the creatures I know!” she sang.

Grinning, I said that I would love that, and we agreed that by the time the girls went home, I would know as much about Equestria’s fauna as I did about Earth’s.


At long last, we arrived at Bruce’s, and I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell, instructing Fluttershy to remain as silent as a mouse. Hearing the lock click, I turned back to the door just as it swung open, revealing my dear friend.

“About bloody time you showed up!” he squawked, “You said you’d be here in an hour, two hours ago!”

He then came forward and wrapped his arms around me, while I apologised and explained that there had been a couple complications. He then let me go and tended to the dogs, greeting Chilli in his usual high-pitched baby voice, fussing over her until Archer grew jealous, lumbering forward to plant his massive head into Bruce’s chest.

“Yes-yes, hello big boy! Hello! Yes, I know you exist, you magnificent handsome beast!”

Fluttershy emitted a small giggle, causing Bruce to look up at me.

“Callum, has anyone ever told you that you laugh like a five-year-old girl?”

“No, but my mother says I cry like one.” I clapped back with a dull expression.

Trilling his lips, Bruce stood up and shook his head.

“Bro, don’t even mention that wrinkly old necromorph, she makes my blood sizzle.”

Huffing with amusement, I suggested that we went inside. Nodding, he took the dog leads from me and took them in. I headed after him and beckoning Fluttershy in as well, putting a finger to my lips, silently ordering her not to make another sound. She whispered an apology and remained close to me. Bruce led us into his spacious living room, which was cluttered with paraphernalia pertaining to animal care. There were leads, toys, big bags of dry food, a few bags of cat litter, and a huge sack of bird seed. In the far corner was a metal cage, where an African Grey parrot was watching us keenly.

“Rrrr?” it rasped, looking at me, “Shrek?”

“No Apollo, that’s not Shrek.” Bruce laughed, batting a hand in the bird’s direction, “This is Callum!”

The parrot made a gruff barking sound at me and turned away. Bruce then escorted the dogs to a different corner, where there were two massive dog beds, each of them with a big bone sitting in the middle. Taken with them immediately, both dogs settled down and began gnawing on their treats. Seeing them already so at home was comforting, and a fond smile slowly made its way to my face.

“Talk about hospitality!” I chuckled.

“You know it.” Bruce grinned, “I love these two about as much as I love Apollo!”

“Pistash?” the parrot chattered in reply, hearing its name.

Rolling his eyes, my friend waltzed over and fed the bird a pistachio nut, of which it very eagerly consumed. It then hopped onto his shoulder and nibbled his ear.

“Oi, no biting!” he shouted.

Apollo bobbed up and down with amusement and then returned to his cage.

“So, I see you have a parrot now?” I tutted with a smirk.

“Four actually.” Bruce replied with his back turned to me.

“Ooh, can I see them?” Fluttershy called out.

With a frown, Bruce whipped around to stare at me with narrowed eyes, pointing at me with a finger.

“Bro, was that meant to be a Fluttershy impression? Because that was terrible.”

Opening my mouth, I almost gave it away, but was able to stifle my laugh and request a cup of tea, as I really needed to explain what was going on. Snapping his fingers, he zipped into the kitchen to put the kettle on, and I turned to Fluttershy with a piercing glare.

“What the devil are you doing!?”

“I’m so sorry!” the pegasus whimpered, “I couldn’t help it!”

“Yeah well, next time you feel like giving yourself away, I implore you to help it!” I hissed.

Gulping, she apologised for a second time and promised that there wouldn’t be any more outbursts. Bruce then returned with the tea, along with a side of custard cream biscuits. Eyeing them up, I took a few and sat down in one of the living room chairs. I then looked over to Chilli and Archer, both chewing at their bones as though their lives depended on it. With a heavy sigh, I knew that I was on the cusp of never seeing them again.

“Right, spit it out already.” Bruce ordered, “What the hell have you got yourself into?”

Rubbing the back of my neck, I tried to figure out how best to articulate the situation.

“It’s not easy to explain, so please bear with me okay?”

Nodding, Bruce munched on a custard cream while I thought up how best to describe the unbelievable prospect that I had just willingly thrown my entire life away for.

“Well… I uh…”

Sighing, I didn’t really know how to say it without being blunt, and so I bit the bullet and told him.

“I’m faking my death.”

Bruce plonked his teacup back down and asked me why, raising his eyebrows as he did so. Swallowing, I fumbled over my words as I tried to explain it.

“I’ve uh, signed myself up for a certain… opportunity. Let’s call it a job offer, but it requires me to leave my life behind. I can’t have anything linking back to my old identity, no records, no family, no name. I’ll be seeing the world, and with the start I’ve had, it’s nothing short of a miracle, so I’m going for it.”

“You’re serious.” he murmured, “You’re actually being serious. Jeez Callum, what the hell are you getting into? Is this a crime thing? Are you joining a gang? Specifics man, tell me!”

Then without warning, Apollo let off a loud squawk, startling Chilli. Rushing out from her new bed, she began barking at the bird, which in a panic, flew from his cage and smacked straight into Fluttershy. Caught off-guard, the pegasus let off a shriek and sprang away, colliding with a shelving unit and dispelling her invisibility. Apollo then landed on one of the shelves and looked down at her, craning his neck with curiosity.

“Shrek?”

Gulping, I looked at Bruce and let off an awkward chuckle, knowing that I now had even more explaining to do.

“So uh… how’s that for specific?”

Needless to say, Bruce was in a state of shock. Standing bolt upright, he stared at Fluttershy with eyes like saucers, his jaws practically on the floor. His lips began to quiver, and he tried to murmur her name.

“F… F-Flu… Flutter… Oh… Okay…”

He then fainted, thankfully falling backwards and onto the sofa where he had been sitting. The pegasus hung her head in shame, and for the first time in front of the ponies, I swore.

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” I murmured.

Wincing, Fluttershy apologised profusely, and I grumbled that it was fine. Thankfully, Bruce was a brony, and we had spoken at length on ‘what if Equestria was real’ scenarios. I would be able to talk him into comprehending this, and he would still keep his mouth shut as a bonus. The only real annoyance was that I now had to tell him everything, and I didn’t want to keep Twilight waiting.


Eventually Bruce came to, and with Fluttershy now sitting beside me, I explained everything to him. I told him about the Titans’ Orb, and that I had been chosen to guide the ponies across the globe in search of it. At first, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, or seeing for that matter, but for every second that he gawked at the yellow pony in his house, he became more and more accustomed to her.

“Do you understand now why this needs to stay between us?” I said to him.

“Yeah…” he murmured, “Yeah I get it.”

We talked about things at length with him, and eventually he became more excited than freaked out. Soon enough he began asking questions about Equestria, and some of them were utterly bizarre. For instance, he had asked if ponies needed to pay taxes, either to their local governments, or directly to the crown. Following that, he asked if the world of Equus was flat. Fluttershy, bless her, answered all his queries to the best of her ability, and then I reminded him that he wasn’t ever to mention any of this to anyone.

“Of course!” he promised, “I’m sworn to secrecy, from here to the grave.”

He then saluted, and declared his allegiance to the New Lunar Republic.

“Bruce, real world.” I reminded him, snapping my fingers twice to gain his focus, “The NLR doesn’t exist. At least, I don’t think it does…”

Leaning over to face Fluttershy, I asked if there was a New Lunar Republic at all, to which she simply shrugged and said that she had never heard of such a thing. I then finished my tea and gave Bruce a long sigh, telling him that it was time for us to get a move on, as the others were patiently waiting. Though saddened by this news, he understood and showed us to the door. Now that Fluttershy’s invisibility had been dispelled, we decided that she would stay at Bruce’s, where she could chat to him for a little while longer. However, I made it perfectly clear that Twilight would teleport her via the Pullie-Portal at any given moment, so they ought to be prepared for that. They both nodded, and Bruce asked how long I was going to be gone for.

“Months, maybe even a year or two.” I huffed, “We have no idea where these shards are going to be…”

At that, Bruce gave a whistle.

“So, I’m holding onto the dogs for good then?”

“Not necessarily.” I assured him, “I know Oliver will miss them, it’s just Jan I’m worried about. Maybe return them in a couple of weeks, after the dust has settled. You can either sneak them in by the back gate, or just say you found them wandering the street, either or.”

He gave me two thumbs up in reply, and asked if he would ever hear from me again. I said that he probably wouldn’t, not for a very long time, but if I made it out of this adventure alive, I would be sure to pay him a visit and tell him how it all went. With that, he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight hug.

“Well, I wish you all the best. Try not to die.”

“Do my best.” I told him, hugging him back.

Huffing loudly, he let me go and led me to the front door, which was when both dogs came over to me, aware that I was leaving. Chilli started to whine and Archer nosed at me, and it took everything in me not to start crying.

“It’s alright…” I told them, giving them both their last bout of love from me.

I picked Chilli up and cradled her for a moment, and as she licked my cheek, I couldn’t hold back the tears. Crying into her fur, I told her just how much I loved her, and then I put her down and did the same to Archer. Fluttershy then helped me out the door, using one of her wings to create a barrier between me and the dogs. She was emotional too, clearly knowing just how hard it was to say goodbye to a pet forever. Forcing myself out the door, I clamped my mouth shut, trying to remain strong, but as Chilli began whining even louder, I started to sob.

“Oh Callum…” Fluttershy mewled, breaking into tears of her own.

“I’ll… I’ll see you soon…” I wept, turning away.

The front door was promptly closed to spare me the agony of hearing the dog’s confused whining, and I made myself put one foot in front of the other, whimpering to myself as I went.


The crying had stopped by the time I reached Rarity, though she could tell from my bloodshot eyes that it hadn’t been an easy farewell. She asked where Fluttershy was, and I told her what had happened. Rolling her eyes fondly, she went ahead and pinged Twilight. The spell was so weak that her horn didn’t even light up, I didn’t hear the ping either, indicating that it was purely a magical frequency, and not an audible one.

“Try not to black out this time.” she teased.

Scoffing, I said that I would endeavour not to, and as Twilight reciprocated, I felt the Pullie-Portal’s effects. The pins and needles returned, and I focused on letting the magic within me flow, willing my body to accept it. I began to feel weightless, and then I was suddenly blinded by flashes of whites, blues and reds. My vision then quickly returned, and I very rapidly found that I was somewhere else, suspended briefly in mid-air. Gravity then followed suit, and had I been a cat, I would have landed perfectly on my feet. But as it happened, I was not a cat, and found myself smacking into the grass with a hefty ‘oof’. Now winded and in pain, I lay there motionless for a moment. Hearing the thudding of hooves, I slowly rotated my head to find Pinkie Pie zipping up to me.

“Wow, you really suck at flying!”

“Hmm, I disagree.” Twilight muttered, stepping along beside her, “For a brick, you flew pretty good.”

“Mmmmmnnn…” I rumbled in reply.

Getting to my feet, I wearily told her to laugh it up, and then asked why it felt like I had just fallen from a great height. Clearing her throat, Twilight put a hoof behind her neck and itched it awkwardly.

“Well uh, Pullie-Portals have a tendency to skew a little when it comes to the actual destination. It’s not by much, but it’s enough to cause complications, such as arriving with your legs partially underground.”

“That’s happened before?”

“Yes, and trust me, it’s not pretty.” she replied, “So to compensate, I made sure that you arrived a little higher up.”

“A little?” I blurted out, “I could have broken something from that height!”

“Would you rather the ground merge with your legs?”

“Fair point!”

Scoffing, Twilight used her magic to launch my rucksack at me. I caught it with ease and put it on, and once Rarity and Fluttershy had donned their own bags, Twilight said that we were to head north-east. I asked why, and she grumbled a revelation.

“I tried the gem finding spell while you were gone. It worked, but it didn’t pick up any of the Orb shards. I want to go north-east because I’m detecting a huge surge of electrical frequencies that way, and I might be able to use them to amplify the spell.”

“Oh, that’ll be Gatwick Airport.” I hummed emphatically.

“I don’t care what it’s called.” she spat in reply.

Rolling my eyes, I let the remark slip, not bothering to respond to her negativity. I asked if everyone was ready to go, to which they all nodded, with Pinkie excitedly bouncing in her usual manner. I opened the side gate for them, and one by one they passed through. Taking one final look at my old home, I broke into a smile. Yes, saying goodbye to the dogs had been hard, but they were safe and happy now, and the path ahead filled me with enough excitement to feel at peace with my choice to let them go. Stepping out after the girls, I shut the gate behind me and took in my very first breath of freedom.


My adventure had begun, and from here onward, every step I took was a step into the unknown.
And I was ready for it.





> Chapter Seven: The Adventure Begins
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





The woodland was peaceful, quiet, and devoid of people. All that could be heard were the sounds of birds, the breeze, and the oppressing shrill of Pinkie Pie’s voice as she excitedly asked her silly questions.

Over and over, she asked…

“So which one do you all think sounds better, huh? Chimicherry? Or Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Or Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga?”

Having walked non-stop for the past forty minutes, Pinkie’s boredom had sent her into a spree of her disorderly antics. This ranged from forcing me to give her a piggyback ride, to presenting a very detailed speculation of how a second Kung Fu Panda film would go, which ended up being scarily accurate to how the DreamWorks sequel had turned out. I wasn't even going to begin guessing how the pony’s mind worked, but it was clear that her reality-bending logic was in effect to some degree.

“Come on, surely somepony can give me an answer!” she squeaked merrily, “Is it Chimicherry? Or Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Or Cherrychanga?”

“Will somepony please make her stop?” Rarity moaned loudly.

“I think my ears are bleeding…” Applejack sighed.

Rainbow Dash then turned her head to face me, her expression just as miserable as everyone else’s.

“Look, I know you told me not to talk about killing anyone, but I swear dude, I may actually kill her.”

“I might just let you.” I chuckled.

Huffing, I plodded along with them for quite some time, until the answer finally clicked for me. At last able to put everyone out of their misery, I snapped my fingers to get Pinkie’s attention in order to give her an answer. Despite being mid-bounce, the hyperactive filly somehow spun a perfect hundred-and-eighty degrees to look at me, landing on the ground with finesse and locking onto me with big expectant eyes.

“So, did you make up your mind?” she inquired with an innocent grin.

“I did indeed.” I replied, “The answer is Chimmicherrychanga.”

The second it left my lips, Pinkie broke into a laugh. She then emitted a squeal of delight and jumped into the air, confirming that I was correct. She continued to bounce mirthfully for a few seconds before eventually settling down. Now contented, she merrily pranced along beside me, humming quietly to herself and finally relenting in her mostly nonsensical riddles.

“Oh thank Celestia…” Rarity breathed.

“Uh, thank me, perhaps?” I pointed out.

With an awkward giggle, the white unicorn insisted that it was just an expression. She then quizzed me on how I had been able to answer Pinkie’s ridiculous puzzle.

“It was annoyingly simple.” I told her, “She was just looking for whichever sounded the funniest to her, and for one of us to say it. Chimicherry wasn’t doing it, and nor was Cherrychanga, she wanted to hear us put the words together to make Chimicherrychanga.”

Hearing me say it again, Pinkie cackled loudly. The others let out hums of understanding, with Fluttershy saying the word to herself and giggling.

“It is kind of funny if you think about it.”

Though still mostly exasperated with Pinkie, we all did eventually come to admit that it was. We then kept moving in silence, until Twilight called to me from the back of the group.

“You’re leading us north, I told you we needed to go north-east.”

She was staring at her compass, which floated a few feet in front of her, suspended by her telekinesis. With confidence, I told her not to worry, and assured her that I knew where we were going.

“If we were to go north-east as the crow flies, we’d end up in the suburbs.” I explained, “Far too many houses that way, plenty of watchful eyes. By heading north and sticking to the Ifield Brook, we’ll remain concealed in the woodland. We'll head east once we reach the River Mole.”

“Fine.” she huffed, taking my word for it, “But if we get lost, it’s your fault.”

{I’m pretty sure even if it rained, it would somehow be my fault.} I scoffed in thought.

Rolling my eyes and choosing not to respond, I walked along in silence until Fluttershy chose to speak up.

“Um, Callum… what's the River Mole?”

“Oh, it's just a really big river.” I answered, “It flows for miles, my dad used to take me and Oliver there to catch crayfish.”

“Are those like crawfish?” asked Applejack.

“Yeah.” I answered plainly.

Rainbow Dash then asked why we caught them, to which I explained that our rivers were infested with an invasive species from North America, which posed a threat to our native ones. Catching them helped preserve the ecosystem.

“And killing them, I’m sure.” Twilight sneered.

Choosing not to comment, I explained that every summer when we were little, Oliver and I would be brought to the shallow parts of the river in the summer. We would splash around for hours together, laughing and squealing as the crustaceans nipped at our toes. It was one of my fonder summer memories with him.

“Are there any moles?” asked Fluttershy.

“I don’t follow.”

“You said it’s called the River Mole.” she clarified, “So, are there any, um… moles?”

“There’s probably one or two knocking about.” I speculated, “Not that I’ve ever seen any. Why?”

“Oh, I was just hoping to see one.” she sighed.

“Well I’ll certainly keep an eye out for you.”

After that, we all returned to silence, not having much else to say for now. We continued making our way through the Ifield Brook, and were making good progress, without the need for any pit stops or toilet breaks.

{Do the ponies even need to take toilet breaks?} I wondered.

I then tutted to myself, what an utterly idiotic thing to think, of course they did! Firstly, the cartoon itself had portrayed such a thing outright, with Pinkie Pie rushing to the bathroom after a long train journey; that was in Season Two if I wasn’t mistaken. Secondly, and an infinitely more awkward matter at that, was that the girls very clearly had the capacity for it, for they were most certainly, and most incontestably, mortal beings; that was to say, their physical anatomy was very much on display. Not that I was into that at all, but out of sheer curiosity’s sake, I had admittedly found it hard not to glance every so often. Thankfully their tails kept them decent for the most part, but with the odd swish here and there, the uh… reality of the situation practically begged to be seen at times.

“So Callum, where is this place we’re headed exactly?” Applejack asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“It’s called an airport.” I explained, “A hub of sorts for aeroplanes, think of it like a massive train station. Twilight’s likely picking up on all the electrical equipment there, and all the signals they give out.”

“An aero-what-now?” the farm pony quizzed.

Clarifying for her, I explained that aeroplanes, or ‘airplanes’ as the yanks liked to call them, were mighty flying machines that allowed people to travel great distances, by way of ascending to the skies. Though we had fighter jets and bombers for war, the majority of our aircraft was used as public transport, where hundreds of humans at a time could be carried across the globe. Upon describing them as metal birds bigger than houses, Twilight scoffed loudly, refusing to believe such a thing.

“That’s absolutely preposterous! If they were made of metal, they would be far too heavy. There’s no way such a thing would be able to fly, especially without magic!”

“What if such a thing was perfectly streamlined, and had two fixed wings that aided the lift-to-drag ratio?” I responded, turning around to face her and walking backwards.

The use of a scientific term excited the unicorn, and what had first been a mere attempt to argue with me, transitioned into more of a debate. She pointed out that even if planes had such wings, the sheer weight of the machine, along with its many passengers, would prevent it from getting off the ground.

“It would need to be consistently propelled forward to be even remotely possible!” she concluded.

After pretending to be stumped for a moment, I gave Twilight a patronising gasp and placed a hand over my mouth.

“Oh yeah that's right, I forgot to mention! Both wings of the aircraft have massive, high-propulsion jet engines attached to them, perpetually launching the aeroplane forward at extreme speeds for the entire duration of the flight.”

The others all let out an enthusiastic ‘ooooooohh’, while Twilight rolled her eyes with annoyance.

“You know, you could have just told me that to start with, instead of being such a dick about it.” she spat.

It was a fair point, but without wanting to concede, I simply shrugged at her and replied with a high-pitched ‘meh’, before turning back around to look where I was going. Walking with a proud strut, I was chuffed to have proved Twilight wrong on something of a scientific nature. Although, I did admit to myself that it was rather dickish of me not to mention the jet engines until after the fact, as it was something she couldn’t have possibly known about.

“Where did someone like you even learn about the lift-to-drag ratio anyway?” she asked me.

“Well, though it may be difficult for you to believe, you aren’t the only living thing in the universe to know about science.” I teased.

I went on to explain that the subject was mandatory in our education system, and that I was terribly fond of it. To my surprise, Twilight didn’t react with negativity, disregarding my jab entirely. Ever-so-slightly emerging from her shell, we were all delighted to see just a hint of the real Twilight Sparkle, conversing peacefully with me and quizzing me on all the different subjects that I had learned in secondary school. I answered every query she had, with my scientific aptitude being the main topic. I knew such pleasant courtesies wouldn't last forever, but I was thankful to meet the real unicorn for a little while, and to have a leisurely conversation with her for once.


After a good twenty-or-so minutes of talking and exchanging culture, the sudden sound of a car horn in the distance ruined the moment, spooking Twilight and sending her back into a frightful, defensive mindset. The tonal shift was nearly enough to knock us off our hooves and feet, but I tried to remain positive and simply enjoy what had been. Trying to do the same, Applejack gave me a melancholic expression, exhibiting her joy for my first friendly interaction with Twilight, along with her grief for the moment’s passing. We shared this feeling in full, and I could only hope that Twilight did too, though she would never admit it if she did. Yet again we found ourselves walking in silence, besides Pinkie Pie, who quietly hummed the Parasprite Polka to herself in a desperate attempt to saturate the empty air. It was Rainbow Dash who eventually filled the gap, asking me a most peculiar question indeed.

“So uh… dude, I was wondering. What's it like being a human?”

Unsure of what she was getting at, I simply replied that I didn't follow, and requested further elaboration. With this, the pegasus grew surprisingly quite shy, as though she felt stupid for asking. However, it wasn’t in Rainbow’s nature to back down, and she continued with her query.

“Oh, well like… I just mean… what's it like, you know? What’s it like always standing on two legs and needing to keep your balance? Do you ever get cold without any fur to keep you warm? Stuff like that, you know? Oh, and how in Equestria do you work those hands of yours? They look like tentacles with bones in them or something!”

That last part nearly had me bursting into laughter, though thankfully I was able to stifle it with a cough.

“I've certainly never heard anyone describe fingers quite like that! Well, as far as standing on two legs goes, it just comes naturally. We humans are structured for it, no different to how birds walk on two legs, and you don’t see them struggling to keep their balance. Tell you what, a better example would be Twilight's assistant, Spike. If the cartoon is anything to go off on, I’d say he walks on two legs just fine, and you never question that, do you?”

Upon hearing Spike’s name, Twilight frowned at me, clearly resenting the fact that I had dared to speak it. Thankfully she let it go, and Rainbow Dash gave off an understanding hum.

“As for hands and fingers,” I went on, “I can’t imagine it’s all too different to how your wings work.”

Slowing down in order to walk beside the pegasus, I decided that a physical demonstration might be the best way to explain it.

“So, if I were to raise my finger like this, that would be the same as you raising this group of feathers here…”

Boldly allowing myself to touch her, I lightly pressed against the area that I was referring to, and found myself immediately infatuated with how it felt.

{Woah… her feathers are so soft!} I exclaimed in thought, {They’re like silk!}

Rainbow went ahead and flexed that part of her wing, and just as my finger had done, that particular set of feathers raised up. Furthering the demonstration, I curled my fingers in to make a fist, clenching it tightly, and in turn, her entire wing balled up and did the same.

“Oh, I get it. That’s awesome!” she cheered.

Giggling to herself, the pegasus wiggled her different sets of feathers, occasionally opening and closing the wing with excitement. I went on to say that instead of flight and feathers, my digits were for grasping, probing, and otherwise interacting with the world around us.

“Fingertips are sensitive.” I told her, “We can identify things with incredible accuracy, to the point where we have a writing system called braille, allowing even the blind to read.”

That had Twilight back on board, and with her keenly listening, I went on to explain that due to this highly developed sense of touch, humans were at a predisposition for touching things, with it arguably being the greatest of our basic five senses. Just as dogs identified things primarily by scent, we humans loved to touch stuff, with toddlers especially sticking their wormy little digits wherever possible. Rarity hummed with interest, though with a laugh, she implored that I kept my ‘wormy little digits’ to myself if I could help it.

“Shame, I give great massages.” I teased, giving a sly look.

“Oh well, uh, I just meant that, I-I would want to be warned first!” she quickly backtracked.

Everyone laughed, and I brought the explanation to a close. Moving on to Rainbow’s question about getting cold, I gestured to the clothes that I was wearing, and said that humans relied on them to properly insulate our bodies.

“That must suck during the winter.” Dashie speculated, putting her mouth to one side.

“Eh, some and some.” I responded, “We have plenty of thick clothing for the colder months. To be honest, I actually quite prefer the winter. I’m much more of a ‘hot chocolate by the fire’ person than I am a ‘roast to death in the sun’ kind of guy.”

A few chuckles came from that, with Pinkie pointing at Twilight and grinning.

“Hey, that’s exactly what Twilight’s like! Did you know she even asked once for Rainbow Dash to make winters last longer? And she was being serious!”

“We don’t need to talk about that.” Twilight stated blankly, trying to hide her embarrassment.

Smirking at her, it intrigued me how intently they had all been listening to me as I yammered on about human life. It would seem that they were about as interested in me as I was in them. As with Rainbow’s query, my brain was riddled with questions about their lives, both fundamentally and physically. How soft was their fur? Was it the same all over, or was it softer in certain areas? That puffier chest fur on some of them certainly looked softer, though I wouldn’t dare ask to feel it. And with such gigantic eyes, how on earth did their brains fit inside their heads? Surely their eyeballs had to be less spherical than mine, otherwise their ocular cavities would take up half their skulls! On top of that, thinking about their diet of humanly foods like cheeses and breads, it was quite clear to me that they didn’t share the same digestive system as earthly equines. This in turn made me wonder if their organs were more like a human’s? These girls weren’t animals so to speak, they were aliens for crying out loud, the possibilities were endless!

Eventually, I plucked up the courage, and asked a handful of the questions on my mind. They were all happy to elucidate, and I was soon the beholder of mountains of new information. As it happened, their eyes were less spherical, taking on a more oval, disc-like shape. Though they had a much broader field of view because of this, their eyes didn’t come without their flaws. Apparently, ponies had absolutely dreadful eyesight in the dark, as their pupil size was linked more to emotional factors than they were to luminance. This explained why their eyes seemed to shrink when they were scared, or expand to intense proportions when enthralled, or enticed. Essentially, if they wanted to see better in the dark, they needed to be both relaxed and captivated by something.

{That, or take a load of methamphetamines.} I joked in thought.

What interested me the most about this fact, was how it completely contradicted the eyesight of equines on Earth, of which could see tremendously well in the dark, better than humans in fact. Continuing down the path of pony biology, I learned something that absolutely blew my mind.

Apparently, ponies possessed a special gland inside their brains, nestled deep within the cingulate cortex. Known as a ‘mana well’, the gland stored pure mana, which was effectively the very lifeblood of the universe. Unicorns, as expected, had a larger mana well than earth ponies or pegasi, and it was connected to their horns via a one-way vessel known as the ‘transmutus arterium’, known in more modern terms as the unicorn’s artery. This artery transported mana to their horns and converted it into a more stable form of energy called magic, which was used in order to cast spells and incantations.

I was speechless, completely baffled and blown away by the knowledge of how magic actually worked, and that it had a scientific explanation. By the end of Twilight’s lecture, I was positively giddy from the excitement. Talking also helped pass the time, and soon enough we reached the River Mole. Wrapping up the academics for now, I approached the river’s edge and gestured to it with a swing of my arm.

“Here we are folks!” I announced.

It was a wide river, and not easily jumpable. It was awfully deep here too, and with the strength of the current, it wouldn’t have been an easy swim. Turning to the others for suggestions, Rainbow Dash scoffed and said that it would be a piece of cake.

“If Fluttershy lends me a hoof, we can just lift you guys over. One at a time, obviously.”

“Or one of you two could just teleport us across?” Applejack proposed, looking at Twilight and Rarity.

“Darling please, I can barely even teleport myself without using all my mana. Unlike some of us, I’m not an all-powerful spell chucker.”

Huffing with amusement at Rarity’s remark, I waited for Twilight’s input.

“For what it’s worth, my mana’s actually running low at the moment. Two cloaking spells and three Pullie-Portals are more demanding than you might think. I could teleport us across, but I’m saving what I have left for the airport.”

“That’s fair.” I pointed out, “How long does it take for mana to recharge?”

“I’m not sure here.” she said with a frown, “Normally it comes back quite quickly, but since coming to Earth, I’ve noticed that it’s recovering slower than usual.”

“Well that’s worrying.”

“It’s fine.” she retorted, “It just means I want to conserve mana where I can, so no, I’m not teleporting you all across. We’ll go with Rainbow’s idea.”

Nodding, the pegasus stretched her wings in preparation for flight. To warm up, she and Fluttershy took our bags across, and when they were done, they prepared to carry us.

“Me first! Me first!” Pinkie begged, bouncing up and down.

The pegasi approached and put their hooves under the pits of Pinkie’s forelegs. She was lifted across, and upon being put down, she zipped around like a dog with the zoomies.

“Ugh, this is so mortifying…” Rarity droned as she was carried over the cascading waters.

“I can drop you if you like?” Dashie offered with a grin.

“Don’t you dare…”

Laughing, Rainbow Dash denied the temptation and successfully transported the pearly unicorn. Already worn out, poor Fluttershy could help no longer; it was no secret that she was a weak flyer. Happy to press on, Rainbow flitted back over, where she took just a second to catch her breath.

“You good?” I asked her.

“Yeah, Rarity’s just a little heavy these days.”

“Oh you absolute so-and-so, I heard that!” Rarity shrieked, raising a hoof to her in anger.

Cackling with mischief, Rainbow Dash took to the air once again and collected Applejack, followed by Twilight. She then prepared to lift me, though I had a suspicion that I would be too heavy for her, and all it took was one attempt to confirm it.

“Mother of Celestia, how much do you weigh, dude?” she gasped, being able to lift me only just a few inches off the ground.

“About ninety kilograms.” I replied sheepishly.

“What's that in normal measurements?”

“A little over fourteen stone.”

“In pounds, dipshit.”

Bursting into laughter, I told her that I weighed roughly two-hundred pounds, give or take. At this, the mare loudly trilled her lips and called me a fatty. With a scoff, I assured her that it was predominantly muscle, and that I had plenty of bone density. Not convinced in the slightest, she jabbed my belly with a hoof and repeated herself.

“You’re a fatty, dude.”

Without a good comeback, I stuck my tongue out at her. I knew she was only bantering, but I had always been conscious about my weight, and admittedly it stung quite badly to be called fat by a new acquaintance. But again, she was just joking and I needed to just let it go.

“So how are you going to get across?” she asked, tilting her head.

Looking a little further upstream, I saw an oak tree that leaned towards the river. Quickly studying it, I spotted a nice selection of branches that conveniently stretched all the way across the river. They were rather high up, but I was confident that I could hack it.

“I’ll show you.” I answered, grinning.

Jogging over to the tree, the girls all watched me with great curiosity, and upon getting there, I found that the branch I had been hoping to grab was even higher up than I thought, but that wasn't a problem for me. Taking a few steps back, I readied myself, and then ran at the tree at top speed. I then took a leap at the trunk and planted my foot into it, springing myself up further with a wall jump and grabbing the branch. Hoisting myself up, I manoeuvred up until I reached the thickest of the branches, which thankfully went across to the other side. I looked at Rainbow Dash to find her staring at me with her mouth agape. Grinning, I called over to her.

“Well, you did call me a big furless monkey!”

Chuckling, I focused on my grip and began to swing, using my momentum to transition across with a simple ‘one hand in front of the other’ method. I reached the other side just as the branch began to bend under the strain of my weight, and with a final swing, I let go and allowed myself to drop. Just as I had done when I jumped from the ironwood tree, I performed a forward roll upon landing. This was partly to break my fall, though in reality, I had mostly done it because I was a self-indulgent sod who wanted to look cool. Springing up to my feet, I looked at the girls and clapped my hands together.

“Right then, where were we?”

Swooping over, Rainbow Dash practically fangirled over me, praising my ‘awesomeness’ and doing a mighty fine job at tickling my fragile ego, as did the others.

“Where did you learn to do that?” asked Rarity, astounded.

“Nowhere.” I laughed, “I’m just the weird kid who never grew out of climbing trees.”

“Those hands of yours are stronger than they look.” Applejack remarked, “I would have thought they’d break, carrying your whole body weight like that.”

“Yeah and trust me, there’s a lot of body weight to work with!”

“Thank you Rainbow Dash…” I deadpanned.

Shaking my head, I was about to explain how human hands were, when I heard a mighty rumbling coming from Pinkie’s belly. Giggling innocently, she announced that she was hungry.

“Couldn’t have guessed, Pinkie.” Rainbow chuckled.

Applejack went to retrieve some food for her, and thinking about it, I realised that I hadn’t eaten anything either since breakfast, and so I went over to my rucksack and retrieved the first of my rations. Starting light, I went with a bag of crisps, Quavers to be specific. Hearing me open the packet, Pinkie pranced over to me with curiosity.

“Ooh, wha’cha got there?”

“These are Quavers.” I told her, showing her the curly puffed crisps inside.

Her eyes widened the second she caught a whiff of the cheesy goodness, and I knew that she wanted one. Leaning forward and standing on the tips of her hooves, Pinkie slowly edged towards me until her nose was almost touching mine. She then twisted her head to such an angle that it was almost upside down, which even by Pinkie’s standards, was horrifying.

“Callum?” she whispered.

“Yes, Pinkie.” I replied blankly.

“Can I have one?”

Rolling my eyes, I took a Quaver from the packet and handed it to her. Taking it politely with a hoof, she sniffed it intensely and then engulfed the crisp, and as the flavour danced upon her tongue, the pony began to buzz, followed by letting out a long, drawn out ‘mmmmmmmnn’ of delight. After that, the others all wanted one too, and before I could say ‘Quavers’, I was dishing them out. They all loved the snack except for Twilight, who upon sniffing it, decided that she didn’t want to risk being poisoned and threw it away. Thankfully it didn’t go to waste, for Pinkie spotted it and dropped to the ground, slithering along like a serpent until she was close enough to inhale it. Greatly amused, I ate the rest of the bag before she could ask me for more. I then waited patiently for Applejack to dig up something a little more substantial for her, and after she had eaten her fill, we headed off once more.


We were walking for some time, when a faint rumbling in the sky had us all looking upward. Letting out a gasp, Applejack’s mouth fell open as she spotted what was causing it.

“What in tarnation is that?”

“That, AJ, is an aeroplane.”

The ponies all went ‘aahhh’ as they realised that this was what I had been talking about. Looking at Twilight, I noticed that she was staring at the plane with great interest, studying it as much as she could. Creeping over as quietly as possible, I was able to get right up behind her.

“Not so preposterous now is it?”

“Aah!” she yelped, whipping around to glare at me.

Scowling, she barked at me never to sneak up on her like that again. The others tried to stifle their laughs, and I gave her a half-hearted apology for scaring her. Pressing on, we reached a chain-link fence near the edge of the woodland, and beyond it were the runways, along with the traffic control tower.

“Is that it over there?” asked Rainbow.

“Yup.” I confirmed.

It was then that a plane came in above us to land, and a big one at that. Being a hefty Boeing Seven-Four-Seven, the jumbo jet’s deafening engines bellowed overhead like a dragon’s roar. Taken unaware, all six ponies dropped to the ground and cowered in fear at the metal behemoth. Over the noise I could just about hear Fluttershy screaming in terror, and I felt horrible that I hadn’t warned them how loud planes could be. That wasn’t to say I enjoyed it either; being autistic I was particularly vulnerable to overstimulation, and the noise had me plugging my ears with my fingers until it passed. Looking to the others, I found them to be frozen solid, stupefied like a small herd of fainting goats. As they recovered, I realised that Fluttershy was now having a panic attack, gasping for air and shaking.

“What the heck was that?” Rainbow Dash shouted at me, rubbing her aching ears.

“Okay everypony, calm down.” I sang to them, “That was just a plane coming in to land.”

With wide eyes, a gobsmacked Rarity blinked at me.

“That was… normal?”

Nodding, I explained that the bone-shaking racket had come from the jet engines I had mentioned earlier, with wide-body aircraft in particular having terribly big ones. I promised them that they were safe, but sadly Twilight was not convinced.

“Safe? Did you see the speed and size of that thing? We were seconds from being crushed to death! You brought us here to be killed by that thing, didn’t you?”

Doing my best not to laugh at such an absurd accusation, I swore to her that I had no such intention. Stepping in to back me up, Rarity came over and placed a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder, hoping to reason with her.

“Twilight darling, how could that possibly have been an attempt to kill us, hmm? Callum is standing right here with us, he would have been squashed as well if that… thing had crashed into us. Honestly, use some common sense, dear.”

Shaking Rarity’s hoof away, Twilight pointed her own hoof at a hyperventilating Fluttershy, using her as an example as she accused me of trying at the very least to frighten them all to death. However, as the yellow pegasus got control over her breathing, she came to my defence as well, stuttering as she did so.

“It’s n-n-not… his f-fault… I’m j-j-just a b-b-b-big s-scaredy-cat…”

“Oh Fluttershy, come here darling.” Rarity sighed, wrapping her in a big cuddle.

Putting my hands on my hips, I told Twilight to stop with the accusations. I then redirected her focus by asking if she was close enough to use the electrical signals to amplify the gem finding spell. Huffing at me angrily, she clenched her jaw and glared at me with disgust, going straight back to square one. Still, she argued no further and scanned the area with her magic.

“Yeah, this is close enough.”

“Good.” I spoke, turning to look towards the airport, “Because we’re not getting any closer without passing this fence, and I don’t feel like getting shot today.”

“Say again?” said Applejack with wide eyes.

With a nervous chuckle, I explained that airports were under constant surveillance, with security being tighter than a nun’s arse, though I didn’t use those exact words for obvious reasons. Trespassers caught crossing the fence would be treated as a threat, and would thus be dealt with severely. The girls asked why, and I explained that it was to prevent people from sneaking into other countries, or illegally boarding planes to cause acts of terror.

“You mean like Nine-Eleven?” Pinkie called from behind me.

With a sudden jolt, my blood ran cold. How the hell did she know about that? Gulping, I spared a thought for the incident, and for all those innocent lives taken. Twilight had every reason to fear us…

“Yes” I answered faithfully, “But how do you know about that?”

“I read it in Humanity's Tragedies, you know, that book in the living room? I found it while Twilight was telling you how scared of you she was.”

“Were you eavesdropping on us?” Twilight gasped.

“What? Not at all!” she insisted, “I don’t even know what an eaves is, so how in Tartarus could I drop one?”

“Then how do you know about our conversation?”

With a giggle, she explained that my bedroom was right above the living room, so she had tilted her head up in an attempt to hear everything that was being said.

“That’s what eavesdropping means!”

“Ohh…” she murmured, “You know, that makes a lot of sense, because ponies have accused me of eavesdropping before and I’ve never known what it means.”

Shaking my head, I returned the subject back to the book, asking Pinkie how much of it she had read, and thankfully, it hadn’t been much.

“Oh, only a few pages.” she professed, “I skimmed it without really reading much, it was really boring and really depressing, so I just threw it away and got another one.”

At that, I sighed a great breath of relief. That book covered the worst of humanity's crimes, from the Holocaust, to the First and Second World Wars, to the Crusades. Humanity's Tragedies had it all, but to my indescribable relief, Pinkie Pie had been saved by her own innocence.

Now flustered over our ‘private chat’ being revealed, Twilight moved things along and said that she was going to start searching for the Orb shards. We all stepped back from her and she lit up her horn, using the frequencies from the airport to boost the spell’s potency. Her blank expression slowly grew contorted with intense concentration, indicating that this altered gem finding spell was very powerful, and how could it not be? We were talking about a planet-wide sweep to locate six chunks of crystal here! A humming sound began to emit from her forehead, but just as things seemed to be going well, the mare released the spell and let off a growl.

“Ugh! The spell found traces of them, but it’s still too weak, I can’t maintain it for long enough!”

Kicking the dirt with a hoof, Twilight clenched her jaw and fretted over what to do. Inhaling sharply, an idea came to me.

“You’re looking at this all wrong.” I said, “You don’t need to find them all, not right away. Forget searching for all six and just hone in on one of them. It’s not like we can be in six places at once anyway, so let’s just tackle this like a checklist, ticking off one piece at a time!”

Squinting her eyes at me, Twilight searched for some sort of deception in my words. Finding none, she gave her head a small tilt and admitted that it wasn’t the worst idea she had ever heard. Agreeing to do it my way, she closed her eyes and tried again, this time configuring the spell to find one shard, and one shard only. This time, she was able to maintain the spell. We all gazed at her intently, and as the spell grew stronger and stronger, little sparks began to spit from her horn. Most of them were shades of white and magenta, but there were a few green ones in there too.

“Shiny lights!” Pinkie squeaked loudly.

The spell reached its peak, and thrusting her head back, Twilight fired a bolt of iridescent light into the sky, which vanished through the clouds. The purple unicorn then sat there for a moment, panting, with sweat dripping from her brow.

“Did it work?” I asked.

“Yeah, give it a second.” she huffed, “I just need to wait a few seconds for the-”

BANG!

From up above, there was a thunderclap, and an identical bolt of multicoloured energy shot from the sky and smacked into Twilight, knocking her to the ground. Everyone gasped and cried out her name, and we all rushed over to make sure she was okay. Putting a hand on her foreleg, I nudged her gently and tried to get a response from her.

“Twilight? Twilight! Are you okay?”

“Uuuuhhhggghhhh…” she groaned wearily.

She then realised that I was touching her, and quickly scrambled away.

“What did I say about touching me!?”

Losing her balance, she fell back down to her knees. Moaning in great discomfort, she gave her head a shake, and we asked her what had happened.

“I was in space.” she explained, “I was looking down at the Earth, and I saw where the Orb shard is.”

She requested a map, so I took off my rucksack and quickly retrieved the world atlas I had packed. Showing it to her, she seized it from me with her telekinesis and flipped through the pages until she found what she was looking for. And then, withdrawing a quill and ink from her own bag, she inscribed a large ‘X’ over the first shard’s location.

“Huh… I wasn’t expecting that.” I murmured.

“Where is that?” Rainbow Dash queried, tilting her head.

Inhaling through my nose, I looked up from the atlas and gave her a wary expression. There wasn’t all that much I knew about this part of the world, only that it was hot, humid, and was the second leading country in illegal drug trade. On top of that, it also had the highest number of intentional homicides in the world, a fact that was hardly comforting to me.


“Brazil.” I told her, “We’re going to Brazil…”





> Chapter Eight: Summer Plans
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Tutting, I put the atlas back into my rucksack and shook my head. How the bloody hell were we all going to get to Brazil? Taking note of my boggled state, Rainbow Dash tilted her head on one side.

“I’m taking it that’s pretty far from here?” she guessed.

“Uh, yeah it’s far!” I exclaimed, “Brazil’s like a good four-thousand miles away from here!”

“Oh, so it’s like, really far…”

Hoping to quell the growing panic over the distance, Rarity stepped forward to give her input.

“Well, before we all get our tails in a twist, I would say we have two clear options. Option one, Twilight could attempt to teleport us there when her mana has replenished.”

Twilight was about to protest, when Rarity took the liberty of explaining the complications herself.

“But, if we’re talking thousands of miles, then such a distance would almost certainly spell disaster. We could be thrown off-course, or split up, or goodness-knows what! Plus, it would undoubtedly expend all of Twilight’s mana, so we’d be left vulnerable on arrival.”

“Right, well that’s obviously the one we’ll be going with then.” I jested, “What’s option two?”

With a knowing smile, Rarity turned around and pointed to the airport, just as a plane was taking off from the runway.

“We use one of those…”

Gasping, I realised that a plane was the perfect idea.

“Rarity, you’re a genius!” I cheered.

The others began praising her as well, until Twilight let off a bellow that made us all jump.

“No she is not!”

Strutting forward to assert herself further, she looked around at her friends with a scowl.

“I’m sorry, but am I the only one here with a shred of foresight? This dimwitted ‘genius’ just suggested that we waltz into a highly secured location, heavily populated by humans, and board a huge metal tube that’s stocked with even more humans! Are none of you seeing how this ends with us being caught and captured, and then who knows what would be done to us!?”

Swallowing, Rarity’s ears drooped and she looked at her hooves, admitting that she saw Twilight’s point. Trying to cheer her back up, I assured her that it was a good first draft, which resulted in a bout of mockery from our cantankerous leader.

“Pfft, if you consider what is essentially suicide, a ‘good first draft’, then I seriously worry about our outlook for the success of this mission.”

For all the negativity, she was right, trying to get onto a plane was a huge risk. It was then that Fluttershy bravely piped up, having now properly recovered from her panic attack.

“Um, what if you used an invisibility spell on us? Like how you did earlier for me and Rarity?”

“Ooh, then we could sneak on board without a hitch!” Pinkie squeaked in agreement.

“It’s still too dangerous.” Twilight argued, holding her ground, “You said these things are packed with hundreds of humans at a time, I’m not letting myself get trapped in with them for however long it takes to reach this ‘Brazil’ place. Besides, there’s no way I could maintain seven invisibility spells for that long.”

Again, she was right; there would be well over a hundred people on an international flight like that. But then it hit me, those people couldn’t reach every area of the plane. There was one place that was unmonitored, and unreachable throughout the entire duration of the flight, and if we could get there, we would be safe and secure without question.

“How about the cargo hold?” I suggested.

“The what?” quizzed Rainbow Dash.

“The cargo hold.” I repeated, “It’s an area down in the bottom of the plane where passengers have all their luggage stored. It’s completely sealed off from the seating area above, so no one can get in there after take-off.”

“Why do they seal it off?” Rarity inquired.

Inhaling, I explained how the cargo hold was inaccessible mainly for safety concerns, but also because after take off it became an environment that was barely survivable. As the plane went higher, air pressure would drop, and the temperature with it, and although both the main cabin and the baggage hold were both pressurised, only the cabin was heated. This meant that the cargo area could potentially drop to below freezing temperatures, and in some planes, the hold wasn’t even pressurised, making the temperatures even colder, and the air too thin to feasibly breathe.

Without hesitation, Twilight had processed the information and quipped back at me with fake enthusiasm.

“Oh yes, wonderful. What a great idea! So instead of suicide via human capture, we instead kill ourselves with hypothermia, and a side of possible asphyxiation? By the Titans, you are thick…”

Before I could think of an argument, Rainbow Dash stepped in and set her straight.

“Whoa-whoa-whoa, hang on there Egghead, aren’t you a freaking unicorn? Like, the most powerful unicorn of our time? I know your mana’s low and all, but don’t you have a bunch of spells that can bypass all that stuff?”

Humming with keen agreement, I guessed that Twilight would have a plethora of spells up her sleeve that could help us out. Thinking about the My Little Dashie event, it was a hard fact that she had access to a spell capable of manipulating the very weather! Although, that had been an experiment, and I didn’t feel like being sent to another world as a newborn baby any time soon. Still, surely she had something to negate the change in temperature, and the air pressure if needed.

“Ooh, what about that warmth spell you use during the colder months?” Rarity spoke up, her confidence renewed, “What was it called again? Thermal, uh… oh, Thermic Hide! Yes, surely that one ought to do the trick, shouldn’t it?”

Hearing this, I put my head to one side, now puzzled. Had Rarity just verbally given a spell a name? So spells had names then? I thought that they were just… well… spells! Yet again I was dumbfounded by a new discovery between cartoon and reality. This also posed the question, how on earth did Twilight remember all of them? If they had individual names, then an adept mage like her would need to memorise hundreds of words! One could say what they liked about the mare’s unforgiving demeanour, there was absolutely no questioning her intelligence.

“Heat is one thing, air pressure is another.” she growled, “I may have a spell for that, but it’s not easy to uphold, and I’m not wasting all my damn mana on such a risky endeavour! We’ll find another way to Brazil, but we are not getting inside one of those metal abominations!”

“You’re not the boss of me!” Rainbow Dash challenged.

Whipping around to face her, Twilight didn’t miss a beat to spit her scathing reply.

“Excuse me? I think you’ll find that by royal decree, I am the boss of you. What I say goes, so unless you want me to tell Princess Celestia that you disobeyed her, shut your mouth and know your place.”

{Yikes…} I rumbled in thought, gulping.

With the power clearly going to Twilight’s head, I chose to knock her down a few pegs. Sure, the Princess may have put her in charge of the party, but she had neglected the fact that Celestia had also appointed me as the ponies’ guide. Pointing this out to her, I dared to suggest that it would be rebellious to ignore my decisions when it came to getting from A to B.

“You’re in charge, it’s true.” I went on, “But by that very same ‘royal decree’ as you put it, I’m the one in charge of guiding you, so I have the authority when it comes to getting around. By all means, I’ll heed your commands, tell me to jump and I’ll jump for you, tell me to dance and I’ll dance. But if I say, ‘we are getting on that plane’, then you can bet your bollocks to a barn dance that we’re getting on that plane.”

Completely and utterly stunned, Twilight stared at me with wide eyes. There was no comeback, for Princess Celestia had indeed ordered her to heed my instruction when it came to navigation. In essence, I could issue my very own ‘royal decrees’, whenever I saw fit. With her nose scrunching up, Twilight gritted her teeth and finally let out a wrathful grunt.

“Ugh, fine! But just know that if we die up there, it’s because of you.”

“Duly noted.” I replied mirthfully.

Turning to face the others, I gave them a toothy smile, to which they giggled, nodding faintly with fervour and approval. The fact that I could win an argument with Twilight in her current state seemed to impress them, and honestly, with how intelligent and stubborn she was, I was impressed too. Confrontations had never been my thing, but since stepping out from that gate and knowing that I would never see Janice again, I felt a surge of confidence that had never been there before.

Clearly eager for some action, Rainbow Dash asked when we would be getting on board, which I responded to by suggesting we set up camp and rest for the night first. Twilight needed to recover her mana, and I needed more time to formulate a proper plan. With how many planes came and went from Gatwick Airport, I would need to find one that actually went to Brazil. As much as the pegasus seemed disappointed with the decision, she accepted it with no complaint. Much like her, I was thirsty for adventure, but realistically it was getting far too late into the day now, it would be much more sensible to depart in the morning when we were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Walking over to Rarity, I inquired as to how the group’s portable camp worked. Clearing her throat, she explained how the tents, sleeping bags, and pillows had all been enchanted. With just a touch of magic, they could be shrunk down to a mere fraction of their ordinary size. The tents were self-erecting too, meaning that all one needed to do was place them on the ground, tug a cord, and they would deploy themselves in seconds.

“Heh, erecting.” Rainbow Dash snickered.

“Inappropriate!” Rarity barked.

Rolling her eyes, the unicorn retrieved one of the tents from Rainbow’s saddlebag. They were no bigger than an average dinner plate, and much to my excitement, she gave it to me and allowed me to pull the cord. I tugged on the little string, and to my sheer amazement, the little thing unfolded and propped itself up in my hands, becoming roughly the size of a bowling ball. She then instructed me to place it onto the ground, and used her magic to activate the enchantment, causing the tent to grow bigger and bigger until it reached its full size. It may have been a simple tent, hardly any different to the pop-out tents we humans had on Earth, but the mere addition of magic completely enthralled me. Witnessing genuine unicorn magic, especially having now learned how it worked, completely and utterly blew me away; I was dead certain that I would never tire of seeing it in action.

“So, how do you shrink it again?” I asked, “Do you just reactivate the enchantment?”

“That’s the most bothersome part.” she started, rolling her eyes, “Yes, using magic will shrink it again, but as far as folding it back up? Well, somepony has to do that by hoof, and let me tell you, these pesky things most certainly do not play ball.”

With a chuckle, I explained that we had tents just like that on Earth, albeit without the magic.

“They’re a bloody nightmare!” I laughed, “You’ll be so close to having it put away and then suddenly it’ll just spring back open and hit you in the face!”

“Oh at last, someone who understands my plight!” she gasped.

We both broke into a proper fit of giggles over it, and then she went digging into Rainbow’s bag to search for the other two. It was then that I heard something in the distance, and gestured for Rarity to stop for a second, putting a finger to my lips.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Sshh!”

“That isn’t very polite, you know?”

“No, seriously, shush!”

Realising that something was genuinely wrong, Rarity kept quiet and allowed me to listen out. I turned my face to the side, and soon enough I could hear it, the rumble of a car engine. With my eyes flaring open, I realised that we needed to hide, and fast. The others came rushing over to me, with Twilight demanding to know what was going on.

“We’ve got company.” I told her.

“What!?” she gasped, “But you led us here, I thought we were safe!?”

“Yeah, well that was before you summoned a lightning bolt from the bloody heavens!”

“I had to cast that spell, or else we-”

“It doesn’t matter.” I cut her off, “We need to hide, now! Someone from the airport probably spotted the light show and called the police to check it out. Can you cast a cloaking spell on us?”

Shaking her head, she professed that she wouldn’t be able to cast one on all seven of us.

“As I mentioned earlier, I think you’re resistant to magic. It takes a lot of mana to manipulate you. That Pullie-Portal earlier cost more mana for you than it did for Rarity and Fluttershy combined!”

“Think you could have mentioned that sooner!?” I snapped, gritting my teeth.

“We don’t have time for this!” Applejack cried out.

She was right, we didn’t have the time. Looking around frantically, I ordered Twilight to cloak herself and the others at least, along with the tent. Meanwhile, I would find somewhere to hide. At the end of the day, I had committed no crime, nor was I trespassing. Even if I did get discovered by the authorities, the absolute worst-case scenario was that I would be questioned at the local police station. After that I would be let go, and I could quickly come back here to regroup with the girls, pressing on as normal.

“Are you sure?” asked Twilight.

“Yes, I’m sure. Take my bag, get by the tent, and cast the spell.”

Nodding, the girls all rushed over, all except for Rainbow Dash.

“I’ll fly to the clouds, I can keep watch from above. It’ll be less mana for Twilight to use.”

Upon receiving my nod of approval, the pegasus shot into the sky and disappeared in mere seconds. The car’s engine was much louder now, though I couldn’t see the vehicle itself just yet. Whoever was coming to investigate was clearly going off-road, so it would take them a while to reach this spot. But that was no reason to dally, after giving my bag to Pinkie Pie, I looked around in search of a hiding place. Picking one of the nearby oak trees, I decided that it would be best to hide up high. The car’s engine then came to an abrupt halt, followed by the opening and slamming of two doors. Without a second to think, I shot up the tree like a squirrel on Red Bull, clambering all the way up to the point where the trunk split off into other branches. I didn’t even think about how high up I was, I didn’t have time to, I just hugged the highest branch that could support my weight, and listened carefully. There was then the sound of footsteps among the leaves, followed by the voice of a man with a West Country accent.

“The caller said the light was coming from right around here.”

I slowly peeked out to see two police officers standing not too far away. One of them was pointing to the spot where Twilight had used her spell. He was slender in build, had blonde hair, and was of an average height. The other man was a fair bit shorter, with much darker hair, and was a lot more on the portly side.

“Well Danny, I’m not seeing any signs of scorched earth, nor any damage to the surrounding leafage.” the taller man said, whose accent was a standard London one, “Are you sure this was the place?”

“Yes, I’m sure! She said it was on the other side of the fence just at the edge of the woodland, not far from the flight tower. If there was anything noteworthy, we’d find it right here!”

The shorter man, presumably named Danny, stamped the ground with his foot to emphasise the point. The taller officer then squatted down to mockingly match his height, indicating that they were no strangers to bantering with each other.

“Well there’s very clearly nothing here, is there?” he spoke, “But if you insist that we set up a perimeter and call this in as a genuine incident, then we can.”

Shaking his head, Danny clearly didn’t like the idea of being stuck in the woods for hours.

“Maybe it was aliens?” he suggested.

At that, the tall one burst into a loud scoff.

“If you say so.”

Despite the notion being brushed off, Danny continued to theorise, clearly more imaginative than his blonde-haired colleague.

“Oh come off it Nicholas, it totally could’ve been aliens! Just think about it, a lightning bolt strikes the ground, right by the airport, on a day when it’s not raining, followed by no signs of impact. Don’t you think that sounds off? It might be like in War of the Worlds, you know, the one with Tom Cruise!”

“For as much as I love your boundless enthusiasm, I think it’s far more likely that this is a false report.” the tall one replied dryly, “But if you happen to see any massive tripods walking about, vaporising people and destroying civilisation as we know it, by all means, I’ll reconsider.”

Ignoring the blunt assessment of this Nicholas fellow, Danny practically danced around his colleague with yet another bizarre theory.

“Hey, what if it’s like a Jedi mind trick? What if we’re being duped into believing there are no aliens here, when in fact we’re surrounded by them? Or better yet, what if they’re using some kind of cloaking device?”

Sighing heavily, Nicholas shook his head with exasperation.

“Look Danny, I’ll happily enjoy a sci-fi film as much as the next man, but keep the conspiracy theories to a minimum. As I said, this is clearly a false alarm. Someone either saw a trick of the light, or they decided to spice up their day with a woefully unfunny prank on the police while waiting for their flight.”

To this, Danny grumbled and kicked at the ground.

“You’ve got no imagination whatsoever, do you know that Nick?”

“I am more than capable of having an imagination, thank you, but I’m far more inclined to properly do my job. Now, let’s call this in and head back to the station, yeah?”

Huffing, Danny gave a shrug and conceded.

“Fine, I was just hoping we’d find something interesting. This place is duller than Sandford.”

“Yeah well, Crawley needed more officers. I’m sure we’ll get to go back eventually.”

“Hope so.” Danny huffed, “Alright, call it in. Do you fancy doing something tonight after our shift?”

“What did you have in mind?” asked Nicholas.

“I don’t know… pub?”

The officers laughed, and then got back into their police car to inform their superiors that the report was nothing but a false alarm. The car then started up and the two of them drove away, allowing me to finally relax, emitting a heavy sigh of relief. Peering down at where the girls were, I noticed that they were still under the invisibility spell.

“Alright, it’s safe to come out now!” I called down to them.

“Are you sure?” came Twilight’s fretful voice.

“One-hundred percent!”

With a faint crackle, the girls all reappeared. Looking up at me, they watched as I began to climb back down, which was when the branch I was standing on began to creak loudly.

“Ah…” I muttered to myself, “That’s not ideal.”

I tried to slide myself backwards, which was when the entire branch snapped.

“Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!” I hollered as I fell to the ground below.

Thankfully there were branches on the way down to slow my fall, but they hardly welcomed me with kindness.

“OOF!” I bellowed as I hit the first branch.

“ARGH!” I shouted upon hitting the second.

“GOD!” branch number three, “SHITTING!” branch number four, “DAMMIT!” branch number five.

A particularly fat branch then shot up between my legs, striking my tackle like a hammer to an anvil. Momentarily suspended, I emitted a husky, sonorous wail. The branch then snapped like the others, and I continued my descent, smacking several more branches along the way until I finally met the ground, smacking into a mossy patch of wet earth with a hefty splat. The girls came rushing over to me in a panic, desperate to make sure I was okay. Meanwhile, I simply lay motionless, needing time to process the fact that I had just fallen from the top of a bloody tree, which needless to say, bloody hurt.

“Callum, are you alright!?” Rarity cried out to me.

With my face still planted into the ground, my response was that of a muffled wheeze.

“I don’t think I can have children any more…”

I was then suddenly grabbed by a pair of hooves and forcefully rolled over, as Pinkie Pie took it upon herself to shake me back to life, shouting at me wildly as she did so.

“Callum! Callum!? Don’t go into the light! You can’t die yet, we still have like five more books to go, maybe six, we’ll see! You’d better call me Jeor Mormont, because I forbid you to die!”

“Jeez Pinkie, I’m alive, get off!” I groaned at her angrily, “Stop it before you give me bloody whiplash!”

Realising that she was doing more harm than good, she apologised and let me go, giggling awkwardly. Slowly sitting up, I began to dust myself off and check for damage.

“Dude, are you okay?” asked Rainbow Dash, returning from the skies.

“Anything broken?” added Applejack.

Finally summoning the strength to get to my feet, I gave myself a little shake-down and wiggled all my extremities. I then lifted my shirt and found that a bruise on my hip had already started to form. However, aside from that, and the overall pain from the impact of course, it didn’t seem like anything was terribly damaged.

“I mean, that bloody hurt, but I think I’m all good.” I murmured shakily.

“Are you sure, Hun?” pressed Applejack, “That was some fall…”

“Yeah, I’m fine, really.” I chuckled, brushing off her concern, “I just need to work on my landings.”

Rarity then came forward and began to fuss all over me, refusing to hear my assurances.

“You’re not fine darling, just look at the state of you! You’re an absolute mess!”

Looking down at myself, I was indeed a mess. I was coated with leaves and bits of bark, and one whole side of me was covered in dirt; it seemed that I had hit the ground with enough force to practically merge with the very Earth. Tutting loudly, Rarity used her magic to summon a shimmering telekinetic blob. She then reshaped it to take on the form of a feather duster, using it to sweep at my body and clear away the leaf-litter.

“At least I didn’t land face first, I quite like being pretty.” I quipped, evoking a laugh from some of the group.

“Pfft, as if!” sneered Rainbow Dash.

“That’s bold talk, coming from you, have you seen a mirror lately?” I retorted with a wink.

“Uh dude, I hate to break it to you, but I’d still look better than you even on my worst day! Have you even seen yourself? You look like a monkey and a diamond dog had a baby together and then somepony shaved its fur off!”

Pinkie burst into a loud snorting cackle, while Rarity gasped with shock.

“Rainbow Dash!”

“Oh come on Rare, I’m kidding, obviously! Callum here knows how to take a joke! Right?”

Thanks to my relationship with Oliver, I was indeed no stranger to banter, and decided to clap back at her with a diss of my own.

“Of course I can take a joke. I can also take a walk in public without scaring the children.”

That got everyone, even Twilight, and with laughter now running amok, Rainbow Dash tried to one-up me.

“Oh yeah? Well… uh… you look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap, and then crapped out a third pile of crap.”

“Wait, which one am I?” I asked, confused.

“The third one!”

“What!?” I gasped, “That’s the worst one!”

The giggles and cackles reached a new height, when then doubled upon my following response.

“Well you, my dear Rainbow, look like you were tied to the back of the Ugly Wagon, with the Ugly Rope, and were then dragged down Ugly Street, for fifty ugly miles.”

With everyone almost belly-laughing at this point, Rarity continued to brush me down, which was when she brushed my wrist, causing me to wince with pain. Immediately serious again, she continued to fuss over me.

“See? You’re not fine, you’re clearly in pain!”

She prodded my wrist with a hoof, causing me to recoil from her.

“Ow! Yes, it tends to hurt when you poke a sore spot after a big fall!” I complained, batting away her invasive prodding, “You’re not going to make it any better by poking it, so stop that!”

“But you’re absolutely sure there are no breaks?” Applejack queried, now also worried about me.

“Yes, I’m sure.” I assured her, “Believe it or not, that’s not the first tree I’ve fallen out of. I’ve never once broken a bone and I certainly don’t plan on changing that any time soon. Now quit jabbing me, Rarity!”

The unicorn finally backed off, and I asked Pinkie Pie for my rucksack so that I could retrieve my water bottle; there was still a fair bit of dirt stuck to me, and I wanted to wash it off before settling down.

“Oh don’t waste your drinking water, I’m pretty sure there’s a small stream just over there!”

Pinkie pointed over to a more dense patch of woodland and I looked at her, puzzled.

“Really?” I asked her, “How do you know that?”

“Hmm, just a hunch.” she hummed, shrugging.

Curious as to whether Pinkie’s infamous hunches were accurate on Earth, I headed over in search of this supposed stream. Rarity and Rainbow Dash accompanied me, while the others remained to set up the other tents.

Lo and behold, there was a little stream, confirming that interstellar location had no influence on Pinkie’s abilities. I made my approach and started scooping water to wash the dirt from my face and arms. I had barely begun when Rarity emitted a small shriek, and I whipped around to see what on earth the matter was.

“You’re bleeding! Callum, your leg is bleeding!” Rarity bleated in a panic, prodding my right calf muscle.

As soon as her hoof made contact, a stinging pain shot into my leg, making me jump.

“YOW!” I yelped.

Arching my back, I twisted my head to get a look. Sure enough, there was a section on my calf where my jeans were ripped, with the surrounding area being damp with a generous helping of blood.

“Aww sweet, let’s see it!” went Rainbow Dash, clearly possessing a morbid curiosity.

I meanwhile, grumbled bitterly.

“Bugger, I liked these jeans.”

“Oh forget the clothes, I can stitch that up in a heartbeat.” Rarity assured me, “But your leg, dear! Your leg is bleeding!”

Reaching forward, she was just about to prod the injury again, and this time I stopped her physically, seizing her wrist and raising my eyebrows at her.

“If you poke me one more time, I swear to your damn Titans…”

With a bashful chuckle, she got the message and withdrew her hoof. I then rolled up my trouser leg to inspect the wound properly. Applejack and Fluttershy then arrived at the scene, alerted to Rarity’s scream.

“What in tarnation is going on?” AJ demanded.

Turning to look at her, I put my head to one side and pulled an amused expression.

“Well, if Rarity’s reaction is anything to go on, it would seem that I’ve been dismembered.”

“Oh, you cheeky little…” she hissed under her breath, “It just… It just caught me off-guard, alright?”

She then pointed at my leg, rolling her eyes.

“He’s bleeding!”

“Ooh, that looks pretty deep.” AJ hummed, grimacing.

Fluttershy came over and nudged Rarity aside, and after looking at it for a few seconds, gave a nod.

“It won’t need stitches, but yeah, it’s pretty bad. I’ll put some Oozima on it.”

{Oozima?} I echoed in thought, {What the heck is Oozima?}

Rainbow Dash then took a look, and upon seeing it she let off an impressed whistle.

“Now that’s a cut! But I’ve had way worse.”

“Oh spare me, you ain’t never had a cut that deep.” Applejack scoffed.

“Have so!” she argued, “Remember when I broke my wing that one time? I went straight into a pile of rocks and got a huge cut on my shoulder!”

At that, Applejack let off a one-syllable laugh and gave the pegasus a shove.

“You call that puny little scratch, a cut? Ha! I’ve been given worse scrapes than that from my own darn farm tools! That nick on your shoulder was nothing!”

“Was to!”

“Was not.”

I stood there and watched with amusement as the two mares squabbled over the severity of Rainbow’s past injury. I then felt a stinging sensation on my leg and tensed up, before closing my eyes with annoyance.

“Rarity, for the last time…”

Turning around, I found that it was not Rarity, but Fluttershy. With a hoof lightly keeping my trouser leg raised, the little pegasus was innocently inspecting the wound.

“I’m sorry,” she sighed, “but I just want to check if there are any bits of wood still in there.”

Nodding with understanding, I let her carry on. The others went back to the camp to give her some space, and after making sure the gash was clear of debris, Fluttershy went after them, leaving me in peace to continue washing away the remaining dirt. She had offered to stay with me, but I had insisted for her to leave me be for a moment.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like having the girls around, I was just so uncomfortable with all the attention I had been getting from them. The last time I had been genuinely injured, my family had simply told me to man up and deal with it. Now, I suddenly had a group of girls around me, doting on me, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I was sure that I would eventually get used to it, but for now, I just wanted to treat it with a degree of nonchalance.

When I was finished cleaning up, I gave the leg wound a proper inspection. I had thought the girls had been overreacting at first, but it was actually quite deep, with blood still oozing out of it. Still, as long as I made sure to bandage it, I was sure it would heal up in a good few days, perhaps faster if Fluttershy put that stuff on it that she had mentioned. What was it called again? Oozie-something?

I looked up to the sky and noticed that it was getting darker. Dusk was here and the night would soon follow. Standing up straight, I headed back to the others, or at least, where the other should have been, for I arrived only to find they were gone.

“Uh, guys? You there?” I asked out loud.

I listened and looked around, nothing. And then at last, there was a small fizz of energy, and Applejack materialised a small distance away, as though she had come out of thin air. She smiled and beckoned for me to come over to her.

“Over here Sugarcube, we got the camp cloak working!”

She took a few steps back and quite literally faded out of existence again. Smirking, I walked over to where she had been and started to feel a warmth radiating from the area in front of me. Continuing my approach, everything shimmered for a split second and I passed through the invisible barrier. Before me now was a breathtaking sight, and I couldn’t help but mutter my amazement.

“Wow…”

“Pretty cool, huh?” Rainbow Dash called over to me.

All three tents were now deployed, and in front of them was a flickering campfire, which certainly explained the warmth. I may have already seen this camp, but to see it at night with the fire going really brought it to life. The girls were sitting around the dancing flame on six large square pillows, with a seventh on the ground just for me. Rarity pointed to it and insisted that I took a seat.

Grounding myself from the whizzing thoughts, I stepped forward and decided to kneel on it, preventing my bleeding calf from soiling the cerulean cloth. It was then that a scent wafted into my nose, it was sweet, and vaguely familiar.

“Do you have a sweet tooth at all, darling?” asked Rarity.

With my mouth salivating, I nodded enthusiastically.

“That’s good to hear, because you, my dear, are about to taste a sweet treat from another planet!”

My eyes widened, and everyone looked at me with excited expressions. Clearing her throat, Rarity tilted her head and gave me a merry, almost nurturing smile.


“Are you by chance, fond of marshmallows?”





> Chapter Nine: Sweet Stuff
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Getting comfortable between Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, I broke into an excited grin as Rarity levitated a large paper bag over to me, along with a small wooden skewer. Peering into the bag, I was met by scores of fluffy marshmallows. Half of them were as white as Rarity, while the other half were a pale pink, not too different from Fluttershy’s mane; all of them however, smelled equally delicious. The last time I had eaten a marshmallow was around six years ago, on a camping trip with my dad. That had been way back, before everything had gone to shit. Oliver was still my best friend, and although Jan was in the picture, she thankfully kept her distance. With how quickly that happier childhood had been taken from me, getting to experience it all over again with these ponies really helped me appreciate the moment.

I retrieved a white marshmallow from the bag and passed the skewer through it, and then shuffled closer to the fire to roast it. The girls watched intently at my hands as I used my fingers to consistently rotate the skewer, ensuring the heat was evenly distributed. Attempt number one was a grand success, brown and crispy all the way around.

“Still got it…”

“Nice one!” Rainbow Dash praised.

“Heh, thanks.” I replied, popping it into my mouth.

My senses were immediately flooded with the treat’s warmth and sweet crispy goodness, perfectly complemented by the foamy consistency inside. I let out a delighted hum as I was briefly whisked away to merrier memories of happier times. Then it dawned on me… Just as Rarity had said, these marshmallows were from another world, they had come from Equestria! I was eating Equestrian food, hoofmade by Equestrian cooks, most likely produced by Mister and Missus Cake from Sugarcube Corner!

“Oh muh guud, this thastes so uhmazing!” I moaned loudly with my mouth still full.

The ponies giggled, and Pinkie then took the bag from me and proceeded to jam four marshmallows into her mouth at once. Twilight decided that there was too much merriment going around, and took herself off to her tent, causing us all to roll our eyes.

“Well, I’m sure glad you like ‘em, do you even have marshmallows here?” Applejack quizzed, eating a marshmallow of her own.

Swallowing the scrumptious morsel before answering, I confirmed that we did, elaborating that I hadn’t eaten one in a good six years, so alongside such a delectable taste, I was also feeling rather nostalgic. At that, Pinkie Pie cried out in surprise, firing four half-chewed marshmallows at me like a cannon.

“Six years? You went six whole years without eating marshmallows? How are you still alive!?”

Laughing awkwardly, I brushed off the sticky saliva-lathered gloop that had now stuck to me, all the while explaining that it had been during a camping trip with my dad, back when he still lived with us. Rarity’s horn then lit up and a marshmallow floated out of the bag, and without the need for a skewer, it simply floated above the fire and slowly began to roast.

“Funny you should mention your father.” she said tentatively, “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

I could tell what was coming, and I allowed her to continue.

“I really hope I’m not being too bold here, and please tell me if I am, but I wanted to ask. Ever since we arrived here and began to observe you, we’ve not seen or heard anything concerning a paternal figure in your life. Of course, none of us have wanted to presume anything, but I would be lying if I said we haven’t been curious. Who is your father exactly? And why did we see nothing of him?”

“Is he dead?” Rainbow blurted out with her mouth full.

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity gasped, her eyes bulging.

Assuring her that I had taken no offence, I told Rarity that it was a perfectly reasonably curiosity to have. Taking a deep breath, I thought about what to say. It wasn’t easy finding the right words to describe my father, nor the ruinous decisions he had made. Rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly, I tried to explain things as tactfully as possible, not wanting to paint Clifford in a bad light.

“Well for starters, he isn’t dead, at least I don’t think he is… Truth is, I haven’t a clue where he is now, my mother cast him out one day and I’ve never heard from him since. He was a good man though, a good dad. He loved me and Oliver more than you could possibly imagine, and had all the time in the world for us. There was a time when things were actually quite lovely. Dad held everything together, and even to this day, I know he had the best intentions.”

“What happened?” asked Fluttershy, lowering her head in fear of saying the wrong thing.

I paused for a moment, before telling them as much as I knew about the truth.

“He made a mistake… Everyone has a vice, and Dad’s was gambling. At first it was just petty bets, using only his winnings as a stake, he never took from the family. It was self-contained and controlled, until it wasn’t. I’ll never understand why, but one day he just didn’t fold. He lost again, and again, and again, and he just couldn’t stop. He threw everything at it, desperate to win, desperate for that massive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It broke our family, and we were left with barely enough to pay the bills. Jan kicked him out, and he never came back. It’s been years now, and he’s never once reached out to me. He probably decided we were all better off without him.”

With tears in my eyes, I lowered my head and let out a barely audible croak.

“If only he knew how wrong he was…”

Sniffing loudly, I told the girls that if it was all the same to them, I would rather not talk about it any more. Dipping their heads, they were fully understanding, and Rarity thanked me for elucidating them as much as I had done. I gave them a weak smile in response, and Pinkie Pie suggested we played a game to lighten the mood. We were all up for that, with Applejack saying it might be nice to do something besides trudging for miles and hiding from the authorities.

“Heh, and falling from trees.” Rainbow Dash added with a snicker.

At that, Rarity jumped up with a gasp, realising that nothing had been done about the cut on my leg yet. Using her magic, she levitated Fluttershy’s saddlebags from one of the tents and opened it up, retrieving a strange wooden bottle of sorts. It was primitive in design and looked awfully mundane at first, but as Rarity brought it closer to me, I noticed many intricate patterns faintly engraved into it, giving it something of a tribal appearance. The cap was removed, and my nose was bombarded by the hefty aroma of various chemicals and herbs. My mouth began to water, as it often did when my nose detected something with strong spices involved. Somehow the concoction smelled sour, bitter, sweet, salty, hot, and minty all at once.




Clearly not a fan of the stuff, Rainbow Dash let off a disgruntled cough and asked if Rarity really had to open it up here by the group, and not somewhere else. Rarity ignored the remark and passed the bottle to Fluttershy, to which I tilted my head. Taking note of my confusion, Rarity chuckled affectionately and explained that Fluttershy was the group’s appointed medic, not her.

“I’m a fashion designer.” she went on, “I don’t know the first thing about applying salves and ointments to wounds. Fluttershy here on the other hoof, has taken a two-year course in nursing, and used to have a part-time job at the Ponyville hospital. I may be surgical with amending garments, but I’m afraid that’s as far as my medical expertise goes.”

“Blimey, that’s amazing!” I exclaimed, giving Fluttershy a wide smile, “Seriously Flutters, that’s incredible!”

Flattered by the praise, she blushed a little and approached me with the bottle. And then, with a grin on her face, Rainbow Dash decided to have a little fun with me.

“Hey Callum, I dare you to take a big sniff from the bottle.”

“Oh don’t be so silly, Dashie!” Fluttershy scolded, “Do you remember when you got Twilight to do it?”

“Yeah, it was hilarious! She didn’t speak to me for like three whole days!”

“I can’t imagine why.” I huffed with amusement, rolling my eyes, “I can smell it from here, what even is it?”

Refusing to elaborate, Rainbow simply grinned at me and insisted that I would be forever deemed a scaredy-cat if I didn’t do it, and much to Fluttershy’s dismay, I took the bait. Never before had I backed down from a dare, for I could never back away from the temptation. It was practically a compulsion, once I had been issued a dare, it was out of my hands, I was doing that dare.

For as quiet and socially awkward as I had been throughout my teenage years, accepting dares had been a medium for me to live more adventurously. With a combination of school peers, my brother, and my short time in the local Scouts group, I had performed many a dare. I had professed my love to strangers, I had eaten spiders and insects, I had even done a cartwheel off the side of the Scout Hut, yodelling as I did so; how I hadn’t broken any bones during that one was something of a miracle. My funniest dare had been allowing my friend Harry to draw on my fingers with a permanent marker, turning them into disconcertingly well-drawn penises. After that one, my name at school had been ‘Dickfingers the Magnificent’ for a good few weeks, a ridiculous title that I had fully embraced.

As for the worst dare, I had once been ordained to suck on someone’s big toe after a PE lesson. It was sweaty, clammy, doused in sock lint, and was so rancid that I now effectively had the opposite of a foot fetish. Never would I forget that accursed flavour, for it had been burned into my mind…

To make few of many words, if Rainbow Dash was a fan of dares, then this adventure was going to be a whole lot more interesting. Looking her in the eyes, I broke into a devious grin.

“Challenge accepted.”

Seizing the wooden bottle from Fluttershy, I jammed my nose into the opening and sniffed as hard as humanly possible. Instantaneously, I regretted ever being into dares; in fact, I regretted having been born at all, as I endured what would be one of the worst physical experiences throughout my whole journey. The sensation was akin to having gasoline funnelled into my nose, and then set alight with a blowtorch. Bursting into the most abhorrent of splutters and gasps, I dropped the bottle and collapsed onto my side, clawing at the ground and letting out raspy wheezing noises that could have genuinely been mistaken for a dragon’s death rattle. My throat almost completely closed up, and in seconds my eyes had become a cascading bloodshot waterfall. Over my own inhuman squealing, I could hear the roar of Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s laughter, hooting and howling over my unparalleled suffering. Through the torment, I chose to provide them with further comedy, imitating Gollum from The Lord of the Rings with uncanny accuracy.

“IT BURNS! IT BURNS US!” I screeched, hissing and spitting everywhere.

Though I was in complete and utter agony, I had asked for this, and wholeheartedly deserved it, and as Applejack and Dashie’s laughter continued to echo through the woodland air, I heard Rarity and Pinkie give in as well. Their own laughs joined the symphony, and soon enough everyone was in hysterics.

“This is better than when Twilight did it!” Rainbow yowled with tears streaming down her face, “Dude, you put your whole nose right in there!”

She fell onto her back and kicked her legs in the air with delight, with Applejack barely able to breathe herself. Rarity and Fluttershy meanwhile, slowly began to sympathise with me, realising just how much pain I was in. My tongue lolled out of my mouth like an overheating dog, dribbling everywhere and crying between wheezes. It was as though I had just chewed a fistful of Carolina Reapers, and had I been a lesser man, I likely would have gone into shock.

“Somepony get the poor boy some water!” Rarity commanded, rolling her eyes.

“Pain!” I wailed, both sobbing and laughing at the same time.

Applejack, still chortling loudly, got up and went into her tent. She then re-emerged with her own personal canteen, offering it to me as she continued to laugh. I grabbed it without saying a word and unscrewed the cap, and then latched onto it like a suckling babe, chugging the entirety of the bottle. The fumes in my airways soon dissipated after that, and flopping onto the ground, I panted and gasped with relief as the experience began to pass. Still giggling intensely, Rainbow Dash came over to me and looked down at the pathetic wretch her dare had reduced me to.

“Dude, this is the most I’ve laughed in years. You’re freakin’ awesome.”

“I hate you.” I groaned.

As I recovered further and the hilarity came to a close, Fluttershy came over to me with the foul bottle still in her grasp, asking if she could actually apply it to my leg now. Nodding, I repositioned myself so that my leg was accessible, and finally allowed her to do her duty as the group’s medic.

“This might sting a little bit.” she warned me, “But after what you just did, I don’t think it’ll be too bad.”

Simply nodding in response, I waited patiently as she tipped the bottle, allowing a small amount of the thick goo within to seep out and smear itself across the cut. She wasn’t kidding about the stinging, it felt like someone had just forced the wound back open and rubbed salt into it. Baring my gritted teeth, I let out a low growl, which was when Fluttershy giggled quietly.

“Oh shush you.” she ordered.

Needless to say, I shushed. Had she seriously just spoken to me like one of her animal patients? Not that I would be mad if she had. On the contrary, her nonchalant dismissal of my aggression, accompanied with that giggle, had been utterly adorable. My heart melted, and my pain melted with it. Fluttershy then put the cap back onto the bottle and asked Rarity to return it to her bag. I then twisted my head to get a look at the stuff. The pale green substance was faintly bubbling, and after about a minute it had solidified, becoming a rock-hard scab.

“Damn…” I murmured, astounded, “What the heck is this stuff?”

With a kind smile, Fluttershy told me that it was a healing gel that Zecora had been able to mix together for the group. She had called it Uzima Ooze, which meant something along the lines of ‘Life-Giving Ooze’ in her native language. The girls had since shortened it to ‘Oozima’ to keep it simpler. It was effectively a purée of plants and medicinal herbs from the Everfree Forest, which all together created a gel that was capable of healing wounds with immense efficiency. With a dollop of Oozima, injuries that would usually take months to heal would be repaired in a matter of days! Needless to say, I was astounded.

“That’s… That’s absolutely incredible!”

“Oh yes, it’s truly amazing.” Flutters agreed, “Zecora was commissioned by the Princesses personally to make a lot of it for us, which was no easy task, as it contains some of the rarest ingredients in the world.”

With an impressed hum, I couldn’t help but touch the stuff, feeling the hardened gel with a finger. Trilling my lips, I realised that I was currently being repaired by an interdimensional medicine, crafted by none other than the famous rhyming witchdoctor herself!

“Hey, now that Callum’s done dying, can we play a game?” Pinkie called from the other side of the campfire, her face painted with a ponderous frown.

With a chuckle, I told her that we could, and as an added bonus for her patience, she was allowed to pick the game. She perked up immediately, getting to her hooves and skittering around the tent like an utter nutcase. I couldn't help but laugh, for her personality and ability to become this hyperactive so quickly was a most entertaining sight to behold. Thinking about it, it wasn't too dissimilar to when cats and dogs were afflicted with Frenetic Random Activity Periods, something more commonly known as the ‘zoomies’. After weaving between the tents with excitement, she finally settled down. Pointing out that we still had plenty of marshmallows, she suggested that we all played a game of Stuffy Bunnies.

“Oh heck yeah, I love that game!” Rainbow Dash cried out.

I had heard of this game, or at least, under a different name. Here on Earth, we had a game called Chubby Bunny, or ‘Fluffy’ Bunny depending on one’s preference. Wanting to be sure that it was the same game, I tilted my head and furrowed my brow.

“What’s Stuffy Bunnies?”

With a disgruntled sigh, Rarity confirmed that it was very much the same game, describing it as a vulgar, uncouth activity that involved stuffing one’s face with as many marshmallows as possible. Pinkie then bounced up to me and pressed her nose into my cheek without a shred of awareness for my personal space, and gave her own view on the game.

“It’s a game where you put a marshmallow in your mouth, and then you have to say ‘stuffy bunnies’ without spitting them out! Everypony takes it in turns, and each turn, you keep putting in more and more marshmallows until you can’t say it any more. Whoever can fit the most marshmallows and still say stuffy bunnies is the winner! Oh, and you’re not allowed to chew them or swallow them, that’s cheating, and I’ll know if you’re cheating!”

I could tell why Rarity wasn’t a fan, as it certainly wasn’t a very courteous game. However, being courteous at every waking moment in life was a dull affair, and sometimes one needed to let loose. Stuffy Bunnies with the girls sounded like it would be a right old laugh, and as someone with a very sweet tooth, I would most certainly endeavour to give Pinkie Pie a run for her money.

“Well, I’m game.” I announced, looking around at the others, “Who else is playing?”

“Me!” Pinkie yelled in my face.

“And me!” Dashie shouted after her.

“Oh ponyfeathers, why not? Count me in!” Applejack cheered.

“Ugh, fine…” Rarity huffed, “But only because you’re all doing it.”

I turned to ask Fluttershy if she would be playing, only to find that the yellow pegasus had disappeared. Spotting her tail disappearing into one of the tents, I was about to call after her, when Applejack quickly came over to quietly explain why she was leaving. Supposedly, the last time they had played this game, Fluttershy had accidentally inhaled her marshmallows and nearly choked to death. Since then, she was ultimately terrified of the game, to the point where she couldn't even watch others play it, in fear of them choking too.

“Ah…” I murmured, nodding with understanding.

With everyone else on board, we sat close to each other and put the marshmallow bag in the middle. Now all together in a little circle, the game began. Pinkie leaned forward and picked up the bag, looking around at all of us with a wild grin.

“As the Ponyville Stuffy Bunnies Champion, with an unmatched record of seventeen marshmallows, I will start us off!” she declared.

She stuck her head into the bag, scooped out a marshmallow with her tongue, and stuffed it into her cheek.

“Stuffy bunnies, easy-peasy!” she squeaked.

Rarity was next, she removed a marshmallow and did the same as Pinkie.

“Stuffy bunnies.”

Next was Rainbow Dash, who copied Pinkie by stuffing her head into the bag to retrieve her one.

“Stuffy bunnies!”

I then took the bag and collected one of the white ones. At this, Rainbow Dash pointed to it and giggled.

“Don’t forget to take the pink ones too, not just the white, it’s not fair to keep eating Rarity’s kind like this!”

Applejack and Pinkie laughed heartily, while Rarity scowled at the pegasus.

“For the last time, I am not a marshmallow!”

This caused the lone marshmallow in her cheek to shoot out of her mouth, where it landed on the fire and quickly began melting into a blackened gooey sludge.

“Mini Rarity, no!” I cried out.

We all burst into hysterics at that, including Rarity, who let out a small chortle.

“Well Rare, looks like you’re out already.” Applejack pointed out.

“Uh-buh… that’s… that’s not fair!” she protested, “I was provoked into spitting it out!”

“Oh, give her another go!” I insisted, jerking my head to one side to emphasise my words.

Everyone agreed to let her try again and I handed Rarity the bag, and as expected, she took out a white one. Popping it into her mouth, she said ‘stuffy bunnies’ with ease, followed by Applejack doing the same with just as much ease as the rest of us.

“Time for round two!” Pinkie squeaked.

And so the bag went back to Pinkie, and I wondered how long this game would last…


Five minutes went by in the blink of an eye, and we had all managed to make it to round six. It looked like Rarity was going to lose first, as she was evidently struggling to keep them all in.

“Stooffy boonis!” Pinkie giggled, passing the bag to Rarity.

The unicorn let out a deep groan as she attempted to force her next marshmallow into her mouth. Though she got it in, a pitiful ‘ssuurr’ was all she could muster, before turning away to eject the squishy contents in her gob. Pinkie laughed and bonked her front hooves together, though was able to hold in all her own marshmallows with ease. It was clear that she was going to win, but I was going to make her work for it. Accepting her defeat, Rarity swallowed the one marshmallow she hadn’t spat out, and gave the bag to Rainbow Dash.

“Well, I’ve beaten my last record of only five, so it’s not a total loss.” she mused.

“I forgh this was a vulgah an uncoof game?” I teased, almost losing my mouth’s quarry in the process.

“Uh, well um… okay fine, I suppose it can be quite fun.” she huffed, rolling her eyes at me.

The next to go out was Applejack, who valiantly met her fate on the eighth round.

“Gosh darn it!” she grunted, munching on the marshmallows that she hadn’t spat all over the camp.

The remaining contestants, myself included, dared not laugh and risk joining the farm pony in defeat. Pinkie Pie retrieved a marshmallow and stuffed it in, and it looked like she was finally beginning to struggle, but even so, she still managed to shout a muffled ‘stuffy bunnies’. The bag then went to Rainbow Dash, of whom was on the verge of breaking; it literally took her whole hoof just to cram her eleventh marshmallow in.

“Stooh… Stargh… Stubb… Stubby bummies!” she exclaimed at last with great difficult.

She had passed by the skin of her teeth, but there was no way she’d get past round twelve, and we all knew it. The bag then came to me, I took out my marshmallow and found a nice pocket for it in my cheek.

“Stumffy bumnies!” I hollered merrily.

Pinkie passed round twelve with just as much ease as she had the round before, but just as I had expected, Rainbow Dash met her end. Unlike Rarity or Applejack however, she actually managed to keep all the marshmallows in her mouth, she just couldn’t get the words out.

“Sss… Suuhh.. Sbumm… Murrb!” she muffled loudly, before bowing her head and admitting an honourable defeat.

She chewed up and swallowed, and then watched as I battled it out with Pinkie. Taking my thirteenth marshmallow, I popped it into my mouth and stared at my rival, not taking my eyes off her.

“Stomffy bommies.”

Mirroring my competitive stare, Pinkie took her thirteenth as well and found a place for it.

“Stumpffy bummies.”

{Oh, it… is… on.} I thought to her, flexing an eyebrow.

I passed the next round without much trouble, and if anything, I had found it easier than Pinkie had. Though she had a bigger mouth due to her pony muzzle, it seemed the elasticity of her cheeks weren’t quite as forgiving as human ones. Though it was still uncertain, there was a chance that I might just beat her.

“This is going to be close.” Rainbow breathed, passing the bag to Pinkie on my behalf.


Four more rounds passed.

This was it, this was Pinkie’s record. If she passed this round, she would beat her previous total of seventeen marshmallows, and the pressure was on. Staring at the fluffy white cylinder with dread, she was clearly thinking the same thing I was; surely there was no way she could do this.

Both her cheeks were bulging to near-cartoonish proportions, and so were mine, and as she opened her mouth to insert it, a generous string of drool descended from her lips, missing her pillow by mere millimetres. Rarity cringed and looked away, while Rainbow Dash burst into yet another fit of laughter.

“The two of you look ridiculous!” she howled.

“Both of y’all’s cheeks look like darn apples!” Applejack hooted, shaking her head.

Curious at all the commotion, Fluttershy bravely came out of her tent to see how the game was going. She took one look at me, and her wings flared out in terror, with her great blue eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets.

“How is he doing that with his face!?” she shrieked, diving back into her tent and zipping it shut.

Amazingly, Twilight emerged from her own tent, finally making her presence known as she wished to witness the outcome of the game. She then spotted us, and quickly covered her mouth to obscure her irrepressible smile upon seeing the state of us. Groaning through her nose, Pinkie jammed her marshmallow against the sticky wall that had once been the opening of her mouth, and used her hoof to force it in.

“Ss, ssrr… ssurr…” she muffled.

Everyone stared at her, and we all realised; she couldn’t say it. Pinkamena Diane Pie had finally reached her limit, and if I could handle just one more marshmallow, I would win.

“Ssaargh! Ssarm! Mruarb!” she muffled again, more desperately this time.

She made an attempt to move the marshmallows with her tongue, which caused one of them to fall to the back of her throat. Gagging, the filly leaned forward and discharged all of her marshmallows at me like a goddamn claymore mine! I was peppered from top to bottom by the slimy projectiles and I clamped my eyes shut, desperate to contain myself and ascertain my victory.

“I… I couldn’t do it… I just couldn’t do it…” she sighed.

Her ears fell to the side of her head, but after taking a brief moment to accept that her record wasn’t changing today, they sprung back up again. Being the true antithesis of a sore loser, Pinkie passed the bag to me and grinned.

“Well, it’s all up to you now. Can you do it?”

I wiped the slimy buckshot off and nodded my head, determined to claim my victory. Everyone crowded around as I pinched the final marshmallow and raised it above my head for all to see.

“If you do this, you beat the Ponyville Champion.” said Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah, but at such a high score, I’d be honoured if Callum beat me!” Pinkie squeaked merrily.

That remark made me feel a little bit better about pressing on. If I were a less competitive person, I would have likely failed on purpose so that we could end on a draw, but alas, I was not a less competitive person; I wanted to become the new Champion…

With great care and difficulty, I twisted and turned the marshmallow against the slippery wall until it found its way inside. I then used a finger to force it into my already-overstuffed cheek, and with all the determination and resolve I could muster, I made my attempt.

“Sor… Ss… Stom… Hrmm… Stob… Stub-bby… BUMMIES!”

Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped, Rarity’s eyes bulged, Applejack removed her hat, Pinkie Pie fell back onto her bottom, Fluttershy unzipped her tent and peeked out through a thin gap, and even Twilight, dipped her head to me with respect.

I had done it.

“Dude, no way…” Rainbow Dash murmured.

“I can’t believe it…” said Rarity.

“Lisan al-Gaib…” breathed Pinkie Pie, her lips quivering.

And then Applejack broke the stunned silence, by way of raising her hoof into the air and crying out with glee.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, we have a new Stuffy Bunnies Champion! Yee-haw!”

They all swarmed around me, cheering. Pinkie then gave me a heavy pat on the back to congratulate me, turning me into Planet Earth’s first ever human-shotgun. The force of the pat caused me to fire my mouth’s haul in one instant, making contact with the broadside of one Miss Rarity, with full effect on target. The unicorn let out an almighty scream, and frantically attempted to brush them off herself, squealing and squawking in horror.

“NO! GET THEM OFF! EWWWWW! GET-THEM-OFF-GET-THEM-OFF-GET-THEM-OFF-GET-THEM-OFF!”

Pinkie Pie then pointed to the shrieking unicorn with an outstretched hoof.

“Hey look everypony! All the Mini Rarities have returned to their queen!”

Like never before, we all exploded into guffaws of laughter. Rainbow Dash dropped to the floor and kicked out like she did earlier, and even Fluttershy came out to join us, laughing almost as loudly as the rest of us. Even Twilight was laughing properly for once, and after all the harshness and hostility from her, it was one of the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard.


As Rarity hopped, skipped, and shook herself violently to escape the sticky terror that clung to her fur, all seven of us agreed that this had truly been a day to remember.