Hilarity ensues when the pragmatic & well-mannered Arbiter and his intelligent-defunct friend the Master Chief find themselves on Equestria with absolutely no idea as to how they arrived.
Hilarity ensues when the pragmatic & well-mannered Arbiter and his intelligent-defunct & acid-tongued friend the Master Chief find themselves on Equestria with absolutely no idea as to how they arrived. Please note that the following characterizations of both Arby and the Chief are the property of Jon Graham. Rated Teen for ridiculous and gratuitous language.
Also, keep in mind that I'm not a moron; the Chief actually does talk in the manner in which you are about to experience. For those of you unfamiliar with this brilliant series, I advise you to check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/show/arbynthechief
A lovely cloudy and rainy day graced the coastal metropolis of Vancouver, Canada. The birds sung, gridlocked traffic honked, profanities flew about like nasty little spike-covered butterflies, and somewhere in the distance, the loud horn of a container ship sounded as it approached the docks. From a small apartment window among the other noises of the fog-shrouded city, two friends carried on in their usual friendly banter.
“STFU AND GTFO IT R MAI TURN U GI-NORMOUS CUMGUZZLER”
“Give me that fucking controller, asshole.”
“U CAN PLEH TAHT PEACE OF SHIT 3 IN HELL COCKMONGLER IT R TIEM 4 REACH”
“You played that for like, 15 Goddamn hours last night. It’s my turn to use the TV.”
“IT WOOD B K IF UR GON PLEH SEXBOX NOT TAHT TOOL OF FUCKING SATAN U EGGS BENEDICK”
“Wow. Nice one, Noah Webster.”
“WTF IS U TALKING ABOUT GREG R NOT EEVEN HEER, CHODE SMOKER”
“Never mind. Let go of that controller right now or I swear I will beat you to a pulp and mail you to Abu Dhabi.”
“LOL YA RITE ARBITER U CANT TOUCH THIS U PANSY ASS BITCH” the green action figure replied, giving his compatriot both middle fingers as best as his primitive plastic body would allow.
“You know I can, Chief.”
“LOL AND U LEIK IT U FUCKING FAGGOT”
“That’s not what I meant. Now drop that controller or I’ll take it from you. Five…”
“ROFL FUCK U”
“Four…”
“U CANT DO SHIT LOOK AT THESE GUNS I’LL TAKE UR FUCKING HED OFF” the Chief exclaimed, flexing his ‘biceps’.
“Three…”
“HAY LOOK I’M TEH ARBITER I HAZ LOTS ADN LOTS OF WERDS BUT I HAZ EVEN MOAR DICKS UP MY ASS LOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL!!!ONE%#!ELEVEN”
“Two…”
“OMFG U R SUCH A FUCKING INFANT U WANT A BOTTLE DIAPER BABY?”
“One…”
“GOD DAMMIT” With that, he tossed the PS3 controller to the floor and stalked away to the kitchen.
“Who’s a pansy-ass bitch?” the Arbiter called with an air of satisfaction in his monotone voice.
“GO FUCK YOUR SELF U SMELLY CUNT”
“Language, Chief.”
“FUCK U” The Arbiter sighed and dragged the controller back to his spot on the couch. He wasn’t far into the game when he heard a crash followed by an emphatic “Damnit” emanate from the kitchen. He paused the game and looked over his shoulder.
“Chief? What was that?”
“GO 2 HELL”
“Chief, what have I told you about Jon’s liquor? I happen to know he’s saving that expensive stuff for a very important meeting with some of the guys from Machinima so leave it the fuck alone.”
“LOL YA RIGHT ARBITER TEHY IS PROBLY JUST GUN JACK EACH OTHER OFF OR SUM GAY ASS SHIT LIEK TAHT SO JON CAN KEEP MAKING SHITTY MOVEES”
“First of all, that’s completely ridiculous,” the Arbiter replied, putting the controller down. “Secondly, Jon doesn’t need to perform sexual favors in order for his work to be recognized, subsequently appreciated, and rightfully acclaimed. Thirdly, you drink enough as it is. You’re already a fucking alcohol-dependent piece of shit that can’t go one day without drinking himself into a stupor and I promise you that if you puke in the hallway one more time, I will personally shove it up your ass with the turkey baster.” There was a pause as the Chief (presumably) considered the Arbiter’s ultimatum.
“LOL U LUV SHUVING THINGS IN GUYS ASSES FAGGOT LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!ONE*&@ELEVEN”
“Whatever. Just don’t touch the Scotch and try to lose your lunch in the toilet where it and your pathetic excuse for a brain belong.”
“FINE. BITCH” The Arbiter sighed again and resumed his game but it wasn’t long before the silence began to arouse his suspicion.
“Chief? Where are you?”
“YOUR MOMS TIGHT PU$$Y WEAR TEH FUCK ELSE WOOD I B?”
“Right, your late-afternoon romp with my non-existent mother; I should’ve known.” the Arbiter drawled as his on-screen character died just in time for the Chief to emerge from his perch atop the couch clutching a bottle of beer. “Fuck.”
“LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL u suck even harder tahn ur mom adn I r not even think that r humanely possible.” He jumped down, taking the bottle with him. “u just need moar b33r.” As if suddenly remembering for whom he’d trekked to the kitchen and risked life and limb, he held the beer away from his companion. “but this 1 r mine. CANT HAZ”
“It’s too early for that, Chief,” the Arbiter replied, shutting the PS3 off. “Personally, I would rather not wake up with another hangover. I swear you could shoot me in the fucking foot and it would feel better.”
“does this meen I r can haz sexbox nao?” the Chief asked. “can I haz it? Can I haz it Arbiter? PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ WITH UR CHERRY ON TOP LOL”
“It’s all yours,” Arbiter answered as Chief sent the PS3 controller to the floor with a swift kick. “Just so you know, I need to use the internet for a while so you might lag a little.” In a blur of incomprehensively rapid movement, the Arbiter found himself backed up against the couch with a serious-faced Chief staring him down.
“IF U MAEK ME LAG I WILL KICK UR ASS SO FUCKING HARD JESUS WILL B LIEK WTF WAS THAT. DOES U HERD ME ARBITER? >:(”
“Whatever, Chief,” Arbiter replied nonchalantly, pushing past his roommate. “Try not to make too many innocent children jump off bridges today, okay?”
“sumtime teh truths can b vary painful, arbiter.”
“Yeah, right.” As the Arbiter browsed his usual domains, an occasional “Fuck” or “Goddamnit stop hacking you piece of shit asshole” reached him which were for the most part, ignored. “Oh shit,” Arbiter muttered as he absentmindedly selected the Chief’s browser history. He immediately held an arm over his eyes in concern over what he might inadvertently glimpse. The age-old axiom ‘what has been seen cannot be unseen’ certainly rang true when dealing with the Chief’s affairs, especially where Internet usage was concerned. Feeling brave, the Arbiter lowered his arm and quickly scanned the list. Although the grand majority were porn, torrents, and porn torrents, there was something missing, something that had been present on the Chief’s list of bookmarks for the past 11 weeks.
“Chief?” Arbiter called as his compatriot in green died for the umpteenth time. “Chief?”
“OMG WTF DOES U WANT?”
“Where’s Equestria Daily?”
“WTF is u talking about butt muncher?”
“You know what I mean. You’ve had Equestria Daily, MLPchan, FiMfiction, Everfree Radio, and Rule34 saved here for the last three months.” He paused and went over the list again. “Oh, silly me. There’s Rule34. I was beginning to worry. Besides, I thought you liked My Little Pony, Chief.”
“fuck taht that shows 4 little gurls & fat neckbeards who <3 little girls.”
“That’s not what you were telling me for the last 11 weeks, Chief. What happened?”
“OMG ARBITER DOES I HAZ TO FILL OUT A FUCKING ENVIRONMENT IMPACT FORM WEN I UZE TEH FUCKING INTERNETS?”
“Overcompensation, thy name is Chief.” There was another pause, prompting Arbiter to glance down at his reluctant friend. He was surprised to see the Chief sitting still, seemingly unconcerned with the multiple deaths inflicted upon his prone Spartan.
“Sniff :’(” With yet another sigh, the Arbiter got up and made his way over to the couch and placed a comforting hand on the Chief’s shoulders.
“Come on now, Chief, out with it. What’s wrong?” The Chief looked up at him.
“promise u wont lol?”
“Promise.”
“Pinkie promise?”
“…Sure.” There was a pause as the Chief tried to compose himself.
“they hurted mai feelings, arbiter.”
“Who did, Chief?”
“TEH PEEPLES ON TEH INTERNETS. THEY SED MLP SUX HARD DICK AND CALLED ME A FAGGOT. CAN U BELEVES THAT, ARBITER? IT WUZ FUCKING HORSESHIT” As much as he tried to suppress it, a loud laugh escaped from the Arbiter, making the Chief glare at him.
“THATS IT WERE R MY FUCKING CUPCAKE?”
“Whoa, easy there, Chief. I’m sorry I laughed. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting that to be the reason.”
“it dun matter arbiter I r still >:(”
“I can imagine, Chief.”
“anyway it also r maed me very :’( so I sweared I r never gon watched it evar again.”
“Maybe they just didn’t appreciate the way you graphically shipped their beloved Master Chief with every single female character from the show in every single fanfic you ever wrote and posted them on every single forum and fiction site you could find.”
“but they is works of art, arbiter. Teh peoples need 2 b sawing tehm.”
“‘Sawing’ them might not be a bad idea. Be that as it may, I don’t see a few online assholes as reason enough to stop taking part in something that you genuinely enjoy, especially when it was actually doing you some good, your ‘adventures’ on Rule34 notwithstanding.”
“may be tyeh is rite, arbiter.” The Chief hung his head. “I r grown up. I is a mans. it are tiems 2 start acting liek 1.”
“Since when do you listen to the opinions of anyone, especially some random jack-off on the fucking internet?” Arbiter demanded. “I don’t care what they said to you; as much as the appeal of My Little Pony eludes me, I can’t deny that it was a positive influence on you and that’s good enough for me.”
“sniff”
“Look, maybe you just need something to remind you of why you liked that show in the first place, perhaps something to rekindle that loving and tolerating spirit I have come to expect from the Brony community.”
“FUCK TAHT I NEEDS 2 KICK SUM HATER ASS”
“Hold your horses, Chief. I think we should at least try my plan first.”
“kay wat r ur plan arbiter?” the Chief asked, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Here,” Arbiter replied, handing him a DVD. “Maybe this will put things in perspective for you or at least make you feel better about where you stand.”
“WTF IS THIS?”
“Jon just got it yesterday. I think someone lent it to him but I don’t want to assume anything.”
“Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony. R U SRS ARBITER?”
“Yes, Chief. Give it a try. I read a review a while back and decided to give it a shot. I think you might be pleasantly surprised. I certainly was.”
“adn u think this r gon help me?”
“There’s no doubt in my mind, Chief.” There was a pause as the Chief thought about it.
“kay I r gon watch it nao, gtfo.”
“Fine. I’m going to take a nap. All that Darksiders really took it out of me today.”
“ur mom really taked it out of me last nite.”
“Good night, Chief.” With that, the Arbiter retreated to his usual spot on the bed and soon fell asleep, leaving the Chief alone with his thoughts. With a shrug, he slipped over to the 360, gingerly extracted the Reach disc, and replaced it with the DVD. He sat up against the couch and a couple of button presses later, the show began.
“WTF…” the Master Chief grunted as he slowly sat up. He looked at the Arbiter hovering over him and glanced around at his surroundings. It was…colorful, a far cry from the somewhat Spartan motif of Jon’s apartment. There was something familiar about it, at least to the Chief, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. “were teh fuck is we arbiter?”
“I’m not sure, Chief,” his friend replied as he stood up. “I don’t even know how we got here in the first place. The last thing I remember is taking a nap while you watched…” They stopped and looked at each other in disbelief.
“OMFG WE IS IN TEH LAND OF TEH MAGIKAL COLORED HORSES!!!ONE!#&%ELEVEN” the Chief cried in a mix of joy and disbelief.
“Jesus Christ,” the Arbiter muttered as Chief danced and skipped about like a Speed-addled ten year-old on Christmas morning. “How is this even possible?”
“R it not obvious, arbiter?”
“No, it most certainly ‘are not’.”
“Jon are taked us 2 Chocolate Land and gived us ride in Super Massive Crasher Rollercoaster 100 miles under teh faec of teh Earths.” There was yet another pause as the Arbiter face-palmed.
“First of all, Chief, it’s called a ‘supercollider’ or ‘particle accelerator’. Secondly, it’s called ‘Switzerland’, not ‘Chocolate Land’ and thirdly, it’s only 100 metres underground, not 100 miles. Finally, the Large Hadron Collider smashes particles together at high speeds for physics experiments. It most assuredly does not open inter-dimensional portals, especially to fictional universes, besides the fact that I highly doubt CERN would ever waste billions of Euros sending two action figures through a wormhole.”
“but I thot it could maek liek black holes adn kewl shitt liek taht.”
“Well yes, but far too small to exist for any measureable amount of time.”
“ : ( ”
“Never mind that. For now, we’ve got to figure out how we got here and how to get home. I don’t know about you but I’d rather not spend the rest of my days surrounded by supposed ‘magic’ and talking cartoon quadrupeds.”
“w8 arbiter,” the Chief called. The Arbiter stopped mid-stride and looked at him.
“Yes, Chief?”
“I dun wan go back.”
“Excuse me?”
“I wun stay heer w/ all teh ponies.”
“You’re being completely ridiculous. We don’t even know if this is where you think we are and if you think I’m going to rot away in that apartment alone for the rest of eternity, you’re out of your so-called mind.”
“can we stay 4 a wile tehn?” The arbiter sighed and seeing the look of pseudo-desperation on his friend’s visor, relented.
“Fine, Chief; I suppose a little while can’t hurt. You’re the expert here so lead the way.” It felt a bit unnerving to the Arbiter; not only were they in a world about which he knew very little, he now had to rely on the Chief to get them anywhere. He shuddered at the thought as they traversed the grassy field and its gentle hills towards he could only guess where. As they walked, a very excited Chief wasted no time providing the Arbiter with every piece of information he possessed about Equestria and its inhabitants. It wasn’t until the sun had almost completely set that Chief finally ran out of facts and for a time, allowed the walk to continue in relative peace until he felt a burning question in the back of his mind.
“arbiter.”
“Yes, Chief?”
“y does thoes peeples h8 MLP? Y does tehy not liek me?”
“It’s hard to say for sure, Chief. Maybe they are simply too caught up in society’s perception of what men are supposed to enjoy and machismo in general to give something that doesn’t live up to every single one of their ‘rules’ a fair chance. They do not understand what the appeal is and as a result feel like they need to reinforce their own perceived masculinity by needlessly insinuating that any male fan of the franchise is a homosexual, effeminate, or some kind of deviant even though that is clearly not the case 99% of the time.”
“Taht wuz quite teh mouthful but @ leest your used 2 taht kind of thing lolololol”
“Were you even paying attention? I was trying to explain why those guys were being such complete fuckwits.”
“THERE JUST FUCKING RETARDED”
“I won’t disagree with you but I think it’s safe to say that if everyone was just a little more tolerant of what other people enjoyed, to a certain extent of course, the world would be a much less cruel place. Don’t you agree, Chief?” As if deep in what he considered to be ‘thought’, the Chief simply continued on silently.
“R u thinks it all gon b k, arbiter?” The Arbiter gently rested his hand on the Chief’s shoulder.
“I’m sure it will, Chief. We should hurry, though. Even though I’m at least somewhat tempted to agree with you regarding our current location, I still feel like the night is not the best time for two six-inch tall actions figures to be wandering about the wilderness.”
“Tehn it r gud thing we is not in wilder ness any more,” the Chief replied, gesturing to a small settlement just over the hill on which they stood.
“Mind telling me where we are, Chief?”
“GOD DAMNIT ARBITER U SED U WAS WATCHING TEH EPISODE W/ME NOT JACKING OFF OR WHATEVAR TEH FUCK U WERE DOING”
“Well excuse me for not being quite as into it as you,” the Arbiter replied indignantly. “Just cut the bullshit and tell me where we are. I’m exhausted after all that fucking walking.”
“ITS PONYVILLE, RETARD”
“Right. How could I forget?”
“WELL STOP DRINKING ALL TEH GODAMN BOOZE YOU ALCOHOLIC MOTHER FUCKER ADN TEHN MEHBEH U R AKSHULLY REMEMBER SHIT SOMETIMEZ.”
“You’re one to...forget it. I’m too tired to trade insults with you, not that it wouldn’t easily be the least-challenging endeavor at which I’ve ever thoroughly spanked you. Where do we go from here, Chief?” There was another pause as the Chief thought about it.
“Wii r gon goes 2 tree plaec w/all teh books.”
“You mean the ‘library’?”
“NOOOOO!!!1!!!1!!!”
“That’s what a library is, Chief.”
“WTF TWILIGHT SPARKLE I THOTS U WERE KOOL”
“There’s nothing ‘uncool’ about libraries, Chief.” the Arbiter rebuked as they made their way towards Ponyville. “You should visit them more often. In fact, I think you should take a page from your purple friend and just live in one. Perhaps through some miracle, you will actually learn something via osmosis by virtue of your proximity to written knowledge.”
“YA ADN I THINKS U SHUD GO FUCK A DUCK MOAR OFTENS”
“Even if only to increase your offensive repertoire. Your insults have been a little stale as of late.”
“UR MOMS A LITTLE STALE ADN R GON B LATE”
“The defense rests, your honor.”
“so does ur face”
Considering their small statures and two-inch stride, they reached the tree-library in fairly decent time. Fortunately for them, the warm night meant that the windows were open, a subject of some debate between the Arbiter and his eager companion.
“We can’t just break into someone’s house, Chief.”
“IT R NOT BRAKING IN IF TEH WINDOWS IS ALREDDY OPIN, DUMBASS. BESIDES, IT R A FUCKING TREE, NOT A HOWSE, ARBITER. LERN 2 TELLS TEH DIFRINCE”
“I still think we should just wait outside somewhere in a safe hiding place until morning.”
“I THINK U SHUD SMOEK MY P0LE” He waited for the Arbiter to do something besides watch his clumsy attempt to climb to the open window. “R U JUST GON STAND THEIR ALL GODDAM DAY OR R U GUNA HELP ME GET UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER?” The Arbiter sighed; as much as he hated to admit it, the Chief was right. They needed a safe place to sleep and the last thing anyone wanted was another ‘L.A adventure’.
“Fine. But when we get in there, you are to be on your best behavior. Don’t fuck around with anything. We don’t know how ‘magic’ works and I don’t need you blowing up the Goddamn universe because you were too fucking stupid to leave the magic wand or whatever alone. Do you understand me?” he demanded, hesitating just shy of helping the Chief reach their destination.
“YA YA W/EVAR NAO HURRY TEH FUCK UP AND GIVED ME A GODDAM BOOST ALREDDY”
“Once you’re in there, find something for me to climb up and lower it to me.”
“NO SHIT”
“Okay. Here...we...go!” With that, the Arbiter pushed up with all his might, sending the Chief tumbling through the window and onto the wooden floor of the library. The Chief got up, dusted himself off, and began to explore the library’s main floor. “Well?” He ignored the muffled yet impatient voice of the waiting Arbiter. “Did you find anything we can use as a rope or ladder or something?”
“STFU I r looking 4 sum fucking tape k?” the Chief replied as he scaled Twilight’s stationary desk. He began a thorough search, rifling through heaps of parchment, quills, and around bottles of ink.
“What the Hell do you need tape for, Chief?”
“WELL HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED 2 OPENS TEH FUCKING DOOR ASSHOLE?”
“I thought I told you to find some rope!”
“I gots a bettar ideas” the Chief called as finally located the tape and began to make small loops with it.
“I swear Chief, if you start singing that damn song, I’ll...” The Arbiter cringed as he heard a faint whump from the other side of the door. “Fucking Hell.”
“SPIDER CHEEF, SPIDER CHEEF DOES WATEVER CUZ ARBY’S A QUEEF”
“You’re the one whose name rhymes with ‘queef’, you stupid idiot.”
“STFU. R U WANTING 1337 FUCKING RESCUE OR NOT DICKWAD?”
“Just open the door already!” the Arbiter demanded. There was a click as the door slowly opened, revealing a smug Master Chief peeking around the edge.
“UR WELCUM U UNGR8FUL ASSHOLE”
“I’m not going to thank you for taking a Goddamn century to open a door, especially after I gave you specific instructions.” the Arbiter replied curtly, entering the library. He stopped and stared around at the seemingly mile-high shelves of books that filled the room.
“well WTF does we do nao?” Chief asked.
“I don’t know about you,” Arbiter replied as he spied a comfortable-looking scroll on the stationary desk. “But I’m getting some sleep and you should as well. We’ve had quite the day.”
“yah, lol” Chief agreed, following his friend up the desk.
“I just hope that our sudden and rather inexplicable presence will not alarm our host when she awakens and finds us on her desk wrapped up like polypropylene burritos.” Arbiter commented as he covered himself up with a piece of parchment.
“dun worry Arbiter” the Chief replied as he did the same. “its all g0n b k”
Twilight yawned as she descended the stairs to the main floor of the library, hungry for some breakfast. She rubbed her eyes as she passed her desk...and paused. She looked down upon the desk and carefully regarded the two strange objects wrapped in rolled-up pieces of parchment.
“Hmm...” she mused, lifting the taller one with her magic. After a brief yet thorough once-over, she shrugged and set it down. “Looks like Spike left his toys out again. How many times do I have to...?” Her grumbling faded as she continued on towards the kitchen, leaving the Arbiter to breathe a sigh of relief.
“Jesus Christ...” he muttered, holding a three-fingered hand to his forehead. “I manage to abstain from any alcohol consumption whatsoever and my head still feels like it’s been in a fucking vice.”
“ARBITER. ARBITER. HELP ME. HLEP ME PLIXY PLOX. TIHS FUCKING PAPER R TRYINGS 2 HOMO SIDE ME” The Arbiter groaned and turned to look at the Chief. He couldn’t help but laugh as the Chief tried in vain to escape the tightly-rolled piece of parchment.
“What have I told you about getting so wrapped up in things?” the Arbiter asked with the best smirk his plastic face could manage. “Just stay cozy for now until I have established a line of communication with that purple horse.” The Arbiter did a double-take as he mentally reviewed his last statement. Had he just actually said that?
“GOD DAMNIT ARBITER GET ME TEH FUCK OUT B4 I FUCKING STUFF VACATE”
“I think you mean ‘suffocate’.”
“thats wat I sed”
“No it isn’t,” the Arbiter rebuked. “Besides, ‘stuff vacate’ sounds marvellously revolting and I’d rather not be within 10,000 kilometres of you when you ‘vacate’ your ‘stuff’, not that my disgust stops you from doing so all over the Goddamn apartment whenever the mood strikes, which seems to be every four fucking minutes.”
“wahts can I sez, arbiter” the Chief replied with a shrug, hamstrung somewhat by the fact that he was still wound up tighter than a monkey’s nuts. “wehn I gots 2 I gots twos. I r a mans, arbiter. Dun four get taht”
“As much as a conversation regarding your ludicrously obsessive masturbation habits sounds like a fantastic way to pass the time, I think we should focus on establishing a half-decent rapport with the locals. Perhaps then we can find out why we’re here and how to get home.” the Arbiter replied, helping the Chief escape his papery prison.
“thats bettar” Chief commented as he picked himself up and looked around. “wear teh fuck r Twilight Sparkle?”
“Do I look like a stable hand to you?” Arbiter asked. “She probably went to get some oats or whatever these things eat in the morning.”
“fuck oats, cupcakes is wai better” the Chief replied, jumping off the table.
“Chief! What the Hell are you doing?” Arbiter demanded. “We need to stay here where we won’t get crushed under 100 fucking pounds of pony hooves.”
“FUCK THAT, I R GON GO GET NOMS” Chief replied as he made his way to the kitchen. “THER BETTER B SUM MOTHERFUCKING POP TARTS UP IN THIS BITCH” Arbiter face-palmed and was in the middle of racking his brain for a way to save his idiot friends’ ass when the pony in question returned to the desk, levitating a bowl of oats bathed in a purple glow behind her. She saw him standing up and stopped just short of the desk. They regarded each other carefully as if afraid to inadvertently spook the other.
“...Hello...?” Twilight ventured.
“Hello! My name is the Arbiter.” There was a pause as the lavender unicorn simply stood and stared. “I know how this looks, believe me. First of all, I would like to apologize for sneaking into...”
“Oh my goodness!” Twilight exclaimed, grabbing a very surprised Arbiter between her front hooves. She leaned down and stared at him wide-eyed as he struggled in vain to loosen her grip. “This is amazing! I mean, I’ve seen non-living objects animated before but they’ve never been able to speak!” She gasped and continued her excited rant. “You even sound intelligent! Where are you from? How in Celestia’s name did you get here?” She finally seemed to notice his struggles and gently set him down on the desk, accompanied by a bashful “Sorry about that”.
“It’s okay. It’s just that we’re not exactly brand-new anymore and I’m not quite as resilient as I once was.”
“What do you mean ‘brand-new’?” Twilight asked, clearly confused by the Arbiter’s choice of words.
“I’m an action figure...a toy,” Arbiter explained. “My friend and I arrived here last night through unknown means, which reminds me...” Twilight looked puzzled as the small plastic figure looked about the room. “Chief? Are you still in the...” A loud crash followed by a “God fucking damnit” answered his question.
“What was that?” Twilight asked, surprised by the sudden noise.
“I apologize in advance for my compatriot,” the Arbiter said as apologetically as his monotone voice would allow. “The Chief can be quite the handful sometimes. I believe the crash you just heard was some kind of convoluted and poorly-executed scheme to acquire some breakfast. I sincerely apologize for this inconvenience.”
“It’s no trouble at all,” Twilight assured him with a smile. “I mean, how many times does somepony get to meet a living toy?” Arbiter breathed a sigh of relief.
“I must admit that an encounter with someone who isn’t either immediately repulsed or shocked by my appearance is a rather nice respite,” the Arbiter replied, grateful that the mare in question hadn’t simply stomped them from existence on sight.
“Why would I be repulsed by something so fascinating?” Twilight asked with a warm smile. “And don’t worry about your friend; it’s nothing a simple clean-up spell won’t fix.”
“Do you have one for his mind as well? I’m sure it could use a thorough scrubbing, although a more complex cleaning spell might be required.” Arbiter asked, garnering a giggle from Twilight.
“He’s that interesting, huh?”
“You could say that.” Arbiter replied, absentmindedly grabbing at his stomach.
“Can I get you something to eat as well?” Twilight offered.
“If you wouldn’t mind; far be it from me to refuse a courteous host.”
“It’s no problem,” Twilight assured him again, using her magic to gently sit him on her back. “I thought that might be better so I don’t accidentally hurt you.”
“I appreciate the thought, believe me,” Arbiter answered. “I only wish Jon was so considerate. I’m fairly convinced that tossing us around like we’re dodge-balls is his passion in life.”
“Who’s Jon?”
“It’s a long story; suffice it to say that his insistence on treating us like we’re piñatas is growing rather tiresome.”
“Tell me about it,” Twilight said with a groan. “I can’t count the number of books ponies returned that practically fell apart just from being kept a few days!” The Arbiter nodded in understanding as they entered the kitchen.
“Jesus Christ...” he muttered as his green companion reclined in a bowl overflowing with milk in the middle of the room, munching on floating pieces of some kind of circular apple-red breakfast cereal.
“oh hai” Chief said with a sheepish tone. It was the very same tone that usually greeted the Arbiter any time he woke up late at night to find the Chief still on the computer, often with 36-plus tabs open, each containing less-than-reputable material.
“Enjoying your morning dip?” the Arbiter asked sarcastically.
“LOL RETARD CANT U C I’M NOM NOM NOMMING RITE NAO?” Twilight gently set the Arbiter down on the nearby kitchen counter and used the same spell to grab a Sham Now.
“Again, sorry about him,” the Arbiter repeated. “He’s kind of...” He searched for a word or combination thereof to describe the Chief that wouldn’t make Twilight want to cut her ears off with the nearest reasonably sharp object. “...eccentric.”
“That’s okay, my friends can be rather interesting too,” Twilight replied, mopping up the last of the spilled milk and scattered cereal. Especially one in particular, she thought as a certain pink party pony giggled and danced through her mind, albeit briefly.
“tihs serial taestes liek fucking Applejack” The Arbiter cringed at his choice of words, particularly the forgotten ‘s’.
“Phrasing, Chief.”
“ ; ) ”
“What do you usually have for breakfast, Mr. Arbiter?” Twilight asked as she rummaged about the cupboards.
“Just ‘Arbiter’ is fine. What do you have?”
“Umm...I have some oats if you like porridge.”
“That would hit the spot.”
“TAHT R WAT UR MOM SED LAST NITE LOLOLOLLOL”
“Not now, Chief. We’re trying to make friends, not cause an international incident.” Arbiter said as Twilight used her magic to quickly boil some water. It wasn’t long before the three were sitting at her small table, each sharing what they could about their origins, basic information, and lives in general.
“So...how many others like you two are there?” Twilight asked after their long game of twenty questions.
“Well, besides the Chief and myself, there’s Todd...”
“WAT A FUCKING TOOL”
“Travis...”
“FUCK TAHT DOUCHE I R GON KICK HIS ASS”
“Cortana...”
“THAT SKANK CAN GO FIST HER SELF, GOD DAM CUNT”
“Chief! Shut up! We met some more in another city but thankfully did not spend too much time there.”
“Um...is it just me or does your friend really seem to...dislike them?” Twilight whispered as the Chief continued his rant.
“That would be a candidate for understatement of the millennium,” Arbiter replied. “Then again, I have yet to find someone he doesn’t hate.” He turned to the Chief. “Hey, Chief, is there anyone you don’t hate?”
“HOT ASS BITCHEZ W/BIG SEXY BOOBIES TEH SIZE OF TEH FUCKING HINDENBURG”
“I suppose that answers our question.”
“I...see...” Twilight hesitantly responded, trying to comprehend what the Chief had just said.
“Please forgive his crass expressions,” Arbiter asked. “He recently had a run-in with a group of jerks who called him a bunch of unflattering names because of his penchant for cartoons and this is the only way he knows to deal with it.”
“Awe, I’m sorry to hear that,” Twilight said, offering the Chief a small smile.
“ : ) ”
“I guess that’s why we’re here,” Arbiter added. “I think what he needs is a chance to re-experience the joy he obviously found in My Little...his cartoons. I’m fairly certain that will do him a lot of good.”
“Well then, if there’s anypony who can help you, it’s Pinkie Pie!” Twilight suggested. “Why don’t we visit her?”
“FUCK YA I <3 CUPCAEKS”
“I thought you might agree, Chief. You don’t mind giving us a lift, do you? Let’s just say that I personally have had far too many close calls with the undersides of people’s shoes and feet in general and am less than eager to experience that again.”
“Sure, that’s no problem,” Twilight promised. “Although...if you guys are feeling up to it, I think I know the perfect spell for this situation.”
“DO IT FAGGOT”
“Chief, you don’t even know what she wants to do!”
“Don’t worry, guys. It’s perfectly safe!” Twilight assured them with a bright smile.
“BRING IT 0N”
“Chief, are you sure about this?”
“DONT B SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY” Considering that the proverbial ‘green light’, Twilight closed her eyes and focused on the argumentative action figures. They slowly rose off the table as a multicolored aura enveloped them. “HOLY SHIT WTF?”
“Aaauuuh!”
With that, there was a sudden flash and two loud thuds. Twilight slowly opened her eyes and took a look at her handiwork. Her jaw dropped as a towering green biped and a bulkier...whatever he was...slowly rose to their feet, rubbing their aching heads. There was a quick pause as the Chief first noticed the changes.
“OMGWTFBBQ”
“This is amazing,” Arbiter commented as he tried his new, much larger body out. “You are clearly extremely skilled at this ‘magic’ thing.” Twilight couldn’t help but blush in spite of herself.
“howe cum wii still sound liek fucking Speek & Spellz?”
“Shut up, Chief!”
“It’s just an enlargement spell,” Twilight admitted. “But I’m glad it worked out!”
“LOL 3NLARG3M3NT”
“Shut up. Thank you, Miss Sparkle. We really appreciate it.”
“No problem. You guys ready to go?”
“WTF ARBITER U LOOK LIEK FUCKING GODZILLA”
“You’re one to talk. You look like the unholy offspring of the Jolly Green Giant and a severely handicapped version of the Incredible Hulk.”
“You guys coming?” Twilight called from the front door.
“On our way,” Arbiter replied as they followed her. He suddenly stopped just short of the door and grabbed Chief by the shoulders. “Remember, Chief. Best behavior.”
“CHILL TEH FUCK OUT I’M NOT A GODDAMN RETARD” Satisfied somewhat but still suspicious, the Arbiter relinquished him and followed Twilight, who looked over her shoulder to check on them. “LOL”
“I told you to watch out for the fucking door,” Arbiter spat as the Chief slowly got up to his feet, clutching at his head as he stared at the outside world through a Chief-shaped hole in the wall. “Try to remember that you’re like, 14 feet tall instead of six inches so be careful.” He turned to Twilight. “I’m sorry about the door. We’re just not used to these new bodies yet.”
“It’s okay, I can fix it,” Twilight replied. True to her word, one or two glows of her horn later and the library’s entrance was as good as new.
“Very impressive. If only that worked on the 360; we wouldn’t have had to buy another one when the disc drive messed up on our old one.” Twilight gave him an odd look. “It’s like a computer.”
“Actually, I’m not very good at magically repairing electronic devices yet,” Twilight admitted.
“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it eventually,” the Arbiter assured her. “We should get moving, though; it looks like Chief’s getting a little restless.”
“cum 0n Arbiter I wun get their B 4 teh fucking Rapture k?” Twilight and Arbiter shared a sigh and started towards Sugarcube Corner at a brisk yet relaxed pace.
“So...how did you guys get here again?” Twilight asked.
“I don’t have the slightest idea,” Arbiter replied with a shrug. “The last thing either of us remembers is waking up here. Forgive the ridiculousness of my next question but did any of you have anything to do with our arrival? I mean, you do use magic and at this point, I’m willing to consider every option.”
“I don’t think so,” Twilight replied, considering the Arbiter’s idea. “In order for something to magically appear, one has to visualize it in their mind. Since nopony’s ever seen you two before, I don’t think it could have been us.”
“That makes sense,” Arbiter conceded.
“ARBITER YOUR SLOWER TAHN A FUCKING GLAYSHEYER WITH AIDS HURRY TEH FUCK UP I WANTS CUPCAEKS”
“Is he usually so...eloquent?” Twilight asked.
“No. Sometimes, he can be quite offensive.” Arbiter joked, earning a small chuckle of appreciation from their lavender friend.
“What’s his story, anyway?”
“I don’t really know,” Arbiter admitted with another shrug. “I arrived brand-new in a box late one afternoon and the first thing I saw after getting out was...” He paused, wondering if he should share the first of many incidences involving the kitchen knife. “...a massive stack of video games. Being the gamer that I am and the complete idiot he is, I guess the rest is history.”
“Video games?”
“Oh, right. They’re a form of electronic entertainment in which the user interacts with a computer program in order to play a game. I’m sorry for the vague explanation but it is difficult to describe them without a suitable frame of reference.”
“So they’re like...board games you play on a TV?”
“More or less.”
“Fascinating...” Twilight mused as they reached the center of town, prompting many stares from other ponies. “So that’s what Princess Luna was talking about...”
“WTF ARBITER THAY R LOOKED @ US LIEK WE HAS FUCKING ELEPHANT MANS DISEASE”
“Well, we are eight-foot tall aliens, Chief.”
“You two are rather unique, even with all the ‘critters’ that like to pay us visits every so often,” Twilight explained.
“u meen liek teh goddamn bear and teh fucking hydra in episode...mmmph!” With that, Arbiter grabbed him and quickly put him in a headlock, much to Twilight’s surprise.
“Excuse us for a second, please,” Arbiter said hastily as he strong-armed a stubborn Chief into a deserted-looking backstreet.
“WTF IS UR PROBLIMS ARBITER?”
“I don’t know why but I have the feeling that we should keep anything related to the show to ourselves. We don’t know how they would react and I don’t feel like destroying the fabric of space-time over a cartoon.”
“U R JUST EGGS AGGRAVATING”
“I’m not ‘exaggerating’, Chief. Let’s just go along with things for now and not reveal anything more than we need to.”
“fine if it r gon maek u : )”
“It would make me very ‘happy face’, Chief.”
“LIEK UR MOM LOLOLOLOLOL”
“You’re disgusting. Let’s get back; I don’t want to arouse suspicion by being gone too long.”
“lolololol arowze”
“Is everything okay?” Twilight asked as they returned.
“Yes, everything’s fine,” Arbiter replied, giving the Chief a gentle nudge. “Right, Chief?”
“ITS K”
“Great!” Twilight chirped. “While you were gone, I took the liberty of drawing up a checklist of things to do around Ponyville!” With that, she produced a long roll of parchment from within a saddlebag. “With this, we should be able to find something to lift your friend’s spirits. How does that sound?”
“I think it’s a great plan,” Arbiter agreed. “What do you think, Chief?” There was a pause as the Chief simply stared at Twilight before picking her up and hugging her.
“taht r y u r awsum possum. I meen awesum pony. ROFL” Arbiter couldn’t help but smile at the Chief’s rather uncommon show of affection. “U has teh awesomest ideas.”
“I think we’re off to a good start,” Twilight replied as the Chief gently set her down. “We’re almost at Sugarcube Corner. Why don’t we have a snack there and figure out what we want to do first?”
“Are you sure we’re not keeping you from anything?” Arbiter asked. “Chief can be demanding at times and I would hate to see you get behind on anything because of us.”
“Don’t worry, I finished the grand majority of my work last night,” Twilight assured him. “Besides, you two are great study material anyway.”
“Well, I’m glad that we’re making ourselves useful,” Arbiter said.
‘OMFG ARBITER CZECH IT 0UT IT R HOWSE MAED OF FUCKING CANDY”
“Let me guess; ‘Sugarcube Corner’?” Arbiter asked.
“WELL WAHT TEH FUCK ELSE WULD IT BEE?”
“That’s right,” Twilight said as they approached the front entrance. “Best bakery in Ponyville!”
“You mean best bakery in all of Equestria!” a very excited voice exclaimed behind them.
“OMGWTF”
“Jesus Christ!”
“No, I’m Pinkie Pie!” a bright-pink pony and undoubtedly the source of the earlier comment greeted with a huge smile, followed by a gasp. “Oh my gosh! You must be new here! I mean, I know everyone in Ponyville which means that if I’ve never seen you two before that means you guys must be new and that means...new friends! Yay!” Finished with her salutation, she took a few seconds to look them over. “What are you guys?” she asked with an air of curiosity as if just noticing that moment their rather obvious and unique traits.
“My name is the Arbiter. I’m an...”
“Hi, Arbiter!” Pinkie exclaimed, grabbing his hand and rapidly shaking it.
“HELLO I AM MASTUR CH33F LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL”
“Hi, ‘Mastur Ch33f’!” Pinkie replied, eagerly shaking his hand as well.
“lol arbiter it r liek wii speek teh same land gauge”
“‘Language’, Chief.”
“WTF I R NOT EVEN SWEARED FUCKING RETARD”
“Never mind. It’s nice to meet you, Miss...”
“Just call me Pinkie! All my friends do and since you’re both my new friends, that means you can too!”
“I can haz cupcaeks nao plz?”
“Sure! You know what they say: cupcakes are part of a complete breakfast!” Pinkie added, leading them into Sugarcube Corner.
“SEA ARBITER?” Chief said as they followed the bouncing pink pony into the shop. “TIHS R TEH PROMISED LAND”
“We’ll see, Chief.”
25 minutes and 12 dozen cupcakes later...
“I still can’t believe you haven’t dropped dead from the 84 cupcakes you just ate.” Arbiter commented as they finally left. “It was almost as bad as the time you poured a cup and a half of Ovaltine onto your morning bowl of Nesquick.”
“I still can’t believe you actually beat Pinkie Pie at a cupcake-eating contest!” Twilight exclaimed. “I’ll bet she’s still standing there with her mouth open!”
“wat can I say?” the Chief said with a shrug. “I R GET LOTS OF PRAKTISS”
“Can’t argue that,” Arbiter agreed. “Still, I think we should forgo any further attempts to achieve self-inflicted diabetes and move on to something a little less hazardous to our health. Is there something in particular you’d like to do?”
“I wun c Rainbow Dash. I gots 2 lern 2 flies, Arbiter” Twilight shot the Arbiter a strange look, to which he replied with a shrug.
“Can you arrange a meeting with this ‘Rainbow Dash’?” Arbiter asked.
“As long as she’s not working on any stunts or on weather duty, that shouldn’t be a problem,” Twilight assured them. Momentarily, as if sent from the heavens above, a cyan pegasus promptly crashed head-on into a surprised Arbiter, sending them both to the ground.
“What the fine-toothed Hell was that?” Arbiter asked in a daze of the winged pony sitting on his chest. She smiled sheepishly and rolled off him and onto her hooves.
“Oh, heh, heh. Sorry about that. New trick. Landing still needs a little work,” the prismatic pegasus offered by way of apology.
“It’s okay,” Arbiter replied as he lay on the ground in pain. “Total body paralysis is supposed to be character-building.”
“Must you crash into every new visitor who comes to town?” Twilight chided.
“Hey, he just happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time!” Rainbow replied defensively.
“culd u plz do that agen?”
“You’re an asshole, Chief. I just saw my entire life flash before my eyes for fuck sakes.”
“lol I bet it r look liek ten thowsand geh guys having a motherfucking bukkake party”
“Chief, shut up!” Arbiter hissed as he sat up to find both ponies staring at them. “Sorry about him. He has a rather wild imagination, I’m afraid.”
“LULZ SHUR ARBITER SURE IT R JUST MAI IMAGINAYSHUNS”
“As I was about to say, you must be Rainbow Dash.” Arbiter continued.
“That’s right and I’m the fastest, most awesome, most talented pegasus in Equestria!” Dash answered proudly, taking up a heroic pose.
“And clearly the most modest as well.” Arbiter added.
“You’ve heard of me?”
“In a manner of speaking,” Arbiter quickly replied, seeing a brief and thinly-veiled look of suspicion on Twilight’s face. Oops, almost forgot myself for a second, he thought, hoping that he hadn’t just let the cat out of the bag. “I mean, you’re so famous so how could anyone not have heard about you...right?”
“Right! Of course!” Dash beamed. “So, who’s your friend?” she asked, settling into a hover beside the Chief.
“HELLO I AM MASTUR CH33F LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL” Arbiter sighed and face-palmed.
“Must you introduce yourself like that to every new person...er, pony that we come across?” he asked, mirroring Twilight, who gave him an understanding smile.
“‘Sup, Chief,” Rainbow replied, offering the giganto-sized action figure a brohoof, which he eagerly accepted. “You seem pretty cool. Wanna hang out, maybe pull some pranks?”
“fuck ya I <3 trolling. :)”
“Sweet! Let’s go!”
“Ooh! I wanna troll too!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she bolted out of Sugarcube Corner, apparently fully recovered from her stomach-ache.
“But there aren’t any trolls around...” Twilight began as Dash and Chief took off, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake. “...Ponyville.” She looked up at the Arbiter. “Are they...is he...gonna be okay by himself? I mean, he’s not exactly by himself per se but Rainbow and Pinkie aren’t exactly the greatest foalsitters in the world.”
“Trust me, he’s so star-struck right now I doubt he’ll even put one foot out of line,” Arbiter assured her whilst trying to convince himself. “Of course, it is Chief so maybe it’s best if we don’t leave them to their own devices for too long.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Twilight replied.
“Do you have anything you need to do? I’m not keeping you from anything important, am I?” Arbiter asked.
“Not really. I was hoping to get in some research on a paper I’ve been working on but I guess I can postpone that until tomorrow.”
“If you like, maybe I can assist you with it. I don’t know anything about magic but sometimes it helps to have someone around to bounce ideas off of even if they are not very well-versed in the subject matter.” Arbiter suggested. Twilight thought about it before answering with a smile.
“I’m with Chief,” Dash agreed. “Who should we prank first?” Pinkie Pie thought about it with an expression of extraordinary seriousness.
“Ooh! How about Rarity? I’ll bet she’s really busy right now so it’s the perfect time to get her!” the pink pony exclaimed with a giggle.
“Heheheh, that’s perfect!”
“ya lets do this shit up ;)”
As the trio of pranksters eagerly dashed off for an afternoon of laughs at the expense of others, Twilight and the Arbiter strolled back to the library, chatting excitedly to one another about their lives. Interestingly enough, the purple pony seemed less intent on learning about Earth as a whole and more interested in the Arbiter’s perspective on life in general.
“It’s hard to explain,” the Arbiter replied, thinking about Twilight’s question. “I think the best word I can use to sum it all up is ‘frustrating’.” Twilight’s head cocked to the side as she listened. “It’s like you know you’re intelligent and aware enough to accomplish almost anything anyone else can in theory but different enough that anything they can do is pretty much impossible for you. That’s reality. Even here, the Chief and I are different enough that we’ll never truly be accepted.”
“So...is that the source of your frustration?” Twilight asked, levitating a scroll and quill out from a saddlebag.
“My frustration is multifaceted. Back where I come from, my body is deteriorating and I don’t know how long I have before I fall apart and essentially die. I must admit that the idea of mortality has become somewhat of an obsession lately.”
“I...see...”
“I apologize; I did not mean to burden you with my problems,” the Arbiter added. “I would much rather assist you with your work. I’m certain that some productivity will do me a lot of good. It certainly beats fighting the Chief for the TV day in and day out.”
“You guys don’t really get along, do you?”
“You noticed, huh?”
“Kind of hard not to.”
“I understand. It seems like the only way we can get along is when we have a common purpose and trust me when I say that doesn’t happen very often.”
“Well, if there’s anything I’ve learned about friendship, it’s that friends don’t always see eye-to-eye,” Twilight explained. “However, I also know that even if they don’t always agree with each other, true friends will always remain true friends.”
“That’s a nice sentiment but I don’t know if it applies to the Chief.”
“Ruuuuuuun!” Rainbow shouted, taking off like a CF-18 as a livid and fresh paint-covered Rarity tore after the troublesome trio as fast as her impeccably-manicured hooves would allow.
“Get back here, you ruffians!” the marshmallow-hued pony shrieked as she gave chase. “When I catch you, I’ll...” Fortunately for the trolls, even when infuriated, a certain blue hedgehog she was not and they were able to make their escape. After seemingly running half a mile across country, they stopped to rest against the fence surrounding Sweet Apple Acres.
“Wow, Chief, I’m impressed!” Rainbow commented after ensuring that he hadn’t been left behind in the clutches of a fast & furious fashionista. “Not too many can keep up with me. I mean, Pinkie Pie can but she’s...well, Pinkie Pie. How did you manage to keep up?”
“MAI ROFLCOPTER. IT GOES SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI” Chief replied proudly, certain that the strange explanation would suffice.
“Hey, whatever works for ya,” Rainbow replied with a shrug. “Hey, who should we prank next?”
“Ooh, pick me, pick me!” Pinkie exclaimed without thinking before settling into an ‘I am now pondering very hard’ mode. “We’ve already pranked almost everypony in town...”
“Why don’t we drop in on Fluttershy?” Rainbow suggested. “I haven’t seen her since she got back from the Dragon Migration.”
“Sure!” Pinkie eagerly agreed. “What do you think, Ch33f?”
Thump.
“Um...are you okay?” Rainbow asked, confusion written on her face as she and Pinkie stared at the unconscious action figure.
“WTF r every won l00king @?” Chief asked after a moment as he slowly sat back up.
“You passed out!” Pinkie replied excitedly as it was the most remarkable event she’d ever witnessed. “And then you woke up!”
“Y TEH FUCK WOOD I PASS OWT THEIR R NOT EVEN ANY B33RS HEER”
“I dunno,” Rainbow answered with a shrug. “We were talking about going to Fluttershy’s place when you...”
Thump.
“...did that.” She face-hoofed and sighed.
“Why does he keep doing that, Dashie?” Pinkie asked.
“No idea, Pinks,” Rainbow replied as she gently poked Chief’s face with a hoof. “Yoo hoo! Wake up, dude!”
“Maybe he’s scared of Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie suggested.
“That’s crazy! Who would be scared of Fluttershy?”
“Well, she did out-wrestle a bear, beat a Cockatrice in a staring contest, and convinced an angry dragon to abandon his horde and find a new place to live, aaaaand don’t forget the time she...”
“Okay, okay, I get the point!” Rainbow interrupted. “So...what do we do? If he’s just gonna faint every time we say her name, then how the hay are we gonna visit her?” Before Pinkie could answer, the Chief stirred and sat up once more and shook his head.
“WTF r goings on h3r3?”
“We were talking about Flutt...mmph!” Pinkie squealed in surprise as Rainbow quickly shoved a hoof into her mouth.
“We were just talking about going to visit somepony,” Rainbow added hastily. “You down for a snack break between pranks, Chief?”
“HELLS 2 TEH YAH”
“Good enough for me,” Rainbow remarked, flying just ahead of their green bipedal partner-in-crime.
“Psst,” Pinkie Pie hissed quietly enough to go unnoticed by the Chief. “How are we gonna visit you-know-who if he’s scared of her?”
“Don’t worry, Pinks,” Rainbow whispered nonchalantly. “When he sees how sweet and gentle she is, he won’t be afraid of her anymore. It’s the perfect plan!”
“Teeheehee! Oh, Dashie! You always come up with the best ideas!” Pinkie Pie agreed as they made their way to a certain somepony’s cottage.
***
“I must admit, what I glimpsed upon our late arrival last night and rather early morning did not do this place justice,” Arbiter remarked as they arrived back at the library. “I only wish our place was so...” He searched for the right word but they were eluding him. There was something about actually being there that the show alone simply could not replicate. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I am at a loss for words.”
“It’s okay,” Twilight cheerfully assured him. “You should’ve seen me the first time I ever visited the palace for my magic training. It was so overwhelming that I had trouble remembering my own name.”
“I can imagine,” Arbiter replied. “You sound like you’re quite familiar with the local royalty.”
“Oh yes,” Twilight replied. “I learned from Princess Celestia herself.”
“I thought her name was ‘Trollestia’.” Arbiter mused without thinking. He caught a strange look from the lavender unicorn, accompanied by an eyebrow raise. He mentally kicked himself. Stupid Chief. Of all the times to feed me bullshit. “Forgive me. It seems that my source was incorrect. My apologies.”
“It’s okay,” Twilight assured him, whipping out an unfathomably long checklist. She suddenly gasped. “Oh no! I can’t believe I forgot!”
“What’s the matter?” Arbiter asked as the lavender unicorn frantically searched for some unknown item, clearly of vast importance.
“I forgot about my meeting with Princess Celestia! I’m gonna be...I’m gonna be...” She hesitated as if terrified at what she might have to utter next. “...Tardyyyyyyyyyy!”
“I’m so sorry,” Arbiter replied apologetically. “We must have been quite the distraction.”
“No, no, it’s okay, it’s not your fault,” Twilight assured her the best she could, considering her dilemma. “I think I just overloaded myself again. I...I do that occasionally but I’m working on it!”
“Why don’t you go on ahead and meet her?” Arbiter asked. “I can cover for you here.”
“Are you sure? That wouldn’t be too much to ask, would it?”
“No worries. I used to frequent the college library back home and have spent quite a bit of time perusing Amazon.com so I can assure you that experience is not an issue.”
“What’s ‘Amazon.com’?”
“It’s an online bookstore.” There was a pause as Twilight gave his suggestion some thought.
“How about I close the library while I’m gone? That way, nothing can possibly go wrong and I’ll be able to meet with the Princess with a clear head.” Twilight suggested.
“Sure, whatever works best for you.”
“Great! See you in a few hours!” With a purple streak, she zipped out the door, leaving a bewildered Arbiter in her wake. He shrugged and strolled towards the shelves of books, taking care not to disrupt anything with his substantial height. Several titles caught his eye and before too long, a large stack sat neatly upon a nearby desk, ready for him to dig into at any time.
“Hey!”
Arbiter paused and listened intently. After a few seconds, he shook his head and returned to the shelf.
“Listen!”
There is was again. A small voice, barely audible from the floor caught his attention.
“Down here!” The Arbiter glanced down at the floor, finding nothing.
“Try the desk!” the voice added rather impatiently. The Arbiter complied and made his way to the large stack of books. He studied the desk, finding only the stack and a small, grey, patchwork pony-shaped stuffed toy with buttons for eyes. “Finally!” it said as the Arbiter’s gaze passed over it once again. “I thought you’d never notice! It’s hard to get anyone’s attention when you’re a toy.”
“Believe me, I know the feeling,” Arbiter replied sympathetically, taking a seat beside the small stuffed toy. “I don’t believe we’ve been formerly introduced,”
“Oh right, silly me,” the toy acknowledged sheepishly, nervously scratching the back of its neck. “My name’s Smarty Pants. What’s yours?”
“My name is the Arbiter. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You didn’t seem very surprised to see me,” Smarty Pants commented. “You must meet a lot of talking toys, don’t you?”
“Well, let’s just say that when it comes to my encounters with other toys, the age-old saying ‘quantity over quality’ comes to mind. I haven’t had the best of luck with meeting anyone, plastic and otherwise.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Smarty replied. “I met someone once. Oh, he was wonderful! He had broad shoulders and he was kind and gentle and strong and had the nicest red coat...” Her tone became wistful and subdued as if what should have been a very pleasant memory was instead causing her great pain. She shook her head. “Sorry ‘bout that. My mind kinda wandered there. What’s your story?”
“Honestly, there isn’t much to tell. It’s too bad, really. Perhaps if I wasn’t trapped in a ridiculous body back where I come from, I could’ve accomplished more.”
“At least you’re big and easy to hear,” Smarty replied. “I don’t know why nopony seems to notice me. Even with all the magic in the world around me every day...I dunno. What do you think, Arbiter?”
“I wish I had an answer for you,” Arbiter answered. “I’m not sure I understand this place myself yet. I’m hardly in a position to offer any philosophical or scientific advice.”
“It’s okay,” Smarty assured him. “Hey, since Twilight’s away, how ‘bout a game of Scrabble?”
“You have Scrabble here?”
“Of course! Twilight always has one close-by. She’s even got an emergency pocket edition she keeps tucked away in her mane for emergencies!”
“That’s honestly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard.”
“You think that’s ridiculous? You should see the edible boots her friend Rarity has! Now that’s ridiculous!” They shared a laugh and the Arbiter could feel the mood finally lifting.
“Here, I got this,” Arbiter said, grabbing the nearby game. “Shall we begin?”
Meanwhile...
“Are we there yet?”
“For the last time, Pinkie, no we’re not! You should know that! I mean, you do know where she lives, doncha?” There was a pause.
“Are we there yet now?” Rainbow gritted her teeth and tried to think pleasant thoughts to offset the constant stream of mind-numbingly annoying questions regarding their whereabouts.
“Pinkie Pie, why are you...” Rainbow turned to scold the pink pony but stopped and did a double-take. “Wait, why are you wearing a blindfold? I thought we agreed that only the Chief needed one!” As if on cue, a loud splash from somewhere behind them caught their attention. “You were supposed to be guiding him!”
“HOLY FUCK TAHT WATERS LIEK A GODDAMN ICEBERG”
“Oopsie daisies,” Pinkie replied sheepishly, shedding the blindfold before helping Chief to his feet. “Sorry about that! Didn’t mean to lead you into Flutt...I mean, our friend’s river!”
“Its k.” Rainbow rolled her eyes as they finally made it all the way to Fluttershy’s front door.
“Okay Pinkie, you can take his blindfold off. I think he’s gonna be okay now.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” With that, the Chief found himself in front of a scenic cottage that would have felt right at home in the drippiest of fairy tales. Before he could react, the door opened, courtesy of a sharp knock from Rainbow Dash, and a shy little pegasus with a pink mane gingerly stepped out to greet them.
A cold wind graced the unconscious forms of Fluttershy and Master Chief, prompting twin facehoofs from their friends.
“He’s really gone this time, isn’t he?” Pinkie Pie remarked as she studied the oblivious Chief. The rainbow pegasus just sighed.
Several cups of cold water and countless reassurances later...
“...and that’s how Equestria was made!” Pinkie Pie finished excitedly. “I mean...that’s how the Mastur Ch33f and his friend the Ar-whatshisface got here!”
“Um...okay...” the yellow pegasus replied meekly.
“Don’t worry, Flutters, they’re totally cool!” Rainbow assured her. “I mean, I know the Chief is. His friend seems like more of an egghead to me.”
“LOL HES LIEK TEH BIGGEST NERD EVAR. Srsly guise.”
“Um...okay...” Fluttershy gulped as the Chief suddenly dropped to his knees in front of her.
“OMG YOUR 3V3N MOAR HOTTER THAN TEH ONES ON RUL34 OMFG SRSLY YOUR LIEK TEH SECKSIEST THIGN IVE EVEAR SCENE MARRY M33 PLIXY PLOX ADN TEHN WE R GON HAS BILLIONS OF BEHBEHS TOGETHAR ADN IT R GON BE TEH KEWLEST THIGN EVAR WIT NEST BY TEH PEEPLES AND PONIES ALIKE OMFG IT R TEH PURFECT PLAN SO SAI YES K THANX BAI” There was another pause.
“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Canterlot palace seemed to shake to its very foundation as a blood-curdling scream of anguish audibly tortured anypony within earshot. Under traditional circumstances, such a cry would’ve mobilized every last division of the Royal Guard and galvanized them into action on the Princess’ behalf.
“Think she died again?” one royal guard whispered to the other, who snickered as quietly as he could.
“Sounds like it,” the other replied. “Wonder what the score is.”
“No idea. I don’t think she’s winning, though.”
Clearly, these were not traditional circumstances. Normal, but certainly not traditional. Every day at exactly 4:00 in the afternoon, the usually-nocturnal Princess of the Night woke from her midday slumber and began a two-hour (and sometimes more) marathon of one of her favorite games, Haylo 3. And like clockwork, such an endeavor generally entailed many, many cries of frustration and some very, very interesting language unbefitting a pony of her stature.
“How’s she doing today?” another guard asked, approaching the pair. As if to answer his question, the floor suddenly shook as a slightly perturbed Princess Luna voiced her displeasure.
“THOU HATH USED HACKS AND CLEARLY MODDED THINE CONTROLLER, RUFFIAN!”
“That bad, huh?” the guard continued. The others nodded as the rant continued.
“THOU DAREST CALL ME A ’NOOB’? THOU SHALL SPEND ETERNITY ON THE MOON FOR THINE IMPUDENCE!”
“Man, remember what happened last time she ragequit?” The others nodded solemnly. “Ugh, what a mess. Those poor bastards...”
A sudden calm made them freeze as Luna’s rants ceased altogether. They swiftly returned to their posts and held their breath. Seconds later, the doors flew open and an extremely displeased Luna exploded from within, still wearing her iconic headset. The guards gulped as she stormed down the hall, her mane flashing and pulsing, making it seem as if a violent squall had taken refuge within.
“TIA! TIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAA!” The guards looked at each other.
“This ain’t good.”
Meanwhile...
“Did you hear that?” the Arbiter asked mid-turn. For a moment, he could’ve sworn he heard the obnoxious voice of the Chief. Smarty Pants looked up at him.
“Hear what?”
“Never mind. I’m sure it was nothing.” He checked his pieces. “Okay, that makes 10, then with the triple word score…”
“…ARBITER, ARBIT3R HLEP M3, H3LP ME PLIXY PLOX…”
“Did you hear something?” Smarty asked. “It sounded like…” They leaned towards the door, listening intently.
“…OMG ARBITER I R G3TTING A TACKED BY FUCKING ANIM4L CR0SSING”
“Was that…?” Smarty began as the Arbiter face-palmed.
“There’s only one way to find out, right? Please excuse me for a moment.” He got up and wandered over to the door and opened it. His eyes widened at the outrageous sight that met him. Racing towards the library as fast as his plastic legs could carry him was the Chief, pursued very closely by a pack of woodland critters straight out of Noah’s Ark. Unsurprisingly, each and every one of them looked upset. For a moment, the Arbiter considered slamming the door shut, barricading it, and letting the creatures have their way with his dim-witted companion.
“SWAN DIVE” the Chief exclaimed as he literally dove through the door and slid straight into the coffee table, upsetting the Scrabble board, and sending Smarty Pants into the air. Fortunately, the Arbiter’s reflexes were on full alert and he managed to catch her just in time with a ‘swan dive’ of his own.
“Nice catch,” Smarty offered as the Chief slammed the door.
“Okay, Chief, I think this warrants an explanation,” Arbiter said, gently setting Smarty down on the table next to the overturned Scrabble board. “What did you do, challenge Satan to a game of Jumangi?”
“LOL ur so silly, arbit3r. SI11Y BILLY.”
“Cut the shit. I know you must’ve done something stupid otherwise that ravenous gang of woodland creatures wouldn’t be out for your ass. Now spill it.”
“ROFL th4t R wat ur m0m sed lololololololololol!!!one!!1eleven.!”
“I’m gonna count to three, Chief.”
“Fin3 u butthurt faggot I r gon tells u nao. I r axed Fluttershy 2 merry m33 and haz bebehs w/me. Is taht s0 bad Arbiter?”
“‘Bad’ isn’t the word I’d use to describe it, Chief. That also doesn’t explain why all of her animals were after you.”
“IT R N0T MY FAWLT TAHT TEH BITCH PA55ED TEH FUCK OUT”
“So that’s it; your ridiculous proposition must’ve frightened her into a Goddamn coma.” the Arbiter replied. “Jesus, you’re really got a way with the ladies, don’t you? Must be all that Keys to the VIP.”
“Wat can I sez arbiter?” the Chief asked with a shrug. “I POUND TEH PUSSY SO GUD”
***
“Tiiiiaaaaaaaa!” Celestia groaned and rubbed her temples as the shrill screech of her sister met her ears like cheese to a grater.
“I’m sorry but would you all excuse me for a minute? I’m expecting a…” No, no, no, she couldn’t say ‘catastrophe’ in front of foreign dignitaries. “…visitor.” she finished with a pleading smile. They took the hint, slowly filing out of the throne room, grumbling as they did so.
And just in time, too. No sooner had everyone vacated, the double doors flew open and a seething Moon Princess bolted in and slammed the doors behind her.
“Problem?” Celestia asked with an innocent smile as Luna practically hyperventilated with fury.
“I am so sick of losing to those assholes!” she hissed, forgoing the usual Ye Old Times way of speaking. “They are not better than me! If they didn’t have those hacks, I would’ve ended their pathetic Haylo careers already and sent them crying to their MOTHERS!” she finished as a thunderous boom resonated throughout the throne room.
“Okay, take it easy, Lulu,” Celestia replied as comfortingly as she could. “Start at the top. What happened?”
“My clan and I entered a Haylo tournament and we’ve been beating everypony so far but then this clan just came out of nowhere and beat us!”
“And that’s what’s got you so worked up, my sister?” Celestia asked.
“No! Okay, maybe a bit. But they were hacking! They could shoot through walls, had permanent oversheilds, infinite ammo, and even unlimited use of their Armor Abilities! It’s not fair Tia! If I had better teammates, I would’ve crushed them!” Celestia stifled a laugh under the guise of clearing her throat.
“Luna, I still don’t understand what the big deal is. You can’t win everything in life. Sometimes, you just lose and that’s the end of it. The important thing is that you have fun!” She wore a proud smile as if having just explained it to her own child.
“Where’d you dredge out that nonsense?” Luna asked with a scowl.
“Well, excuse me for not putting as much emphasis on winning some silly video game as…”
“The winners get cake.”
Dead silence. Like dead dead silence.
“What was that, dearie?” Celestia whispered, looking way too eager.
“The winners of tomorrow’s Haylo Tournament receive a special exclusive set of Spartan and Elite armor permutations as well as a card that promises a lifetime supply of cake, free of charge, from Sugarcube Corner. Apparently, Pinkie Pie thought it would be a great way to advertise all over Equestria and it’s not like handing out a few free treats every so often would bankrupt…” Luna stopped as she glanced at her sister. The look on the Sun Princess’ face was a mixture of wistfulness, enthusiasm…and pure, unbridled lust. Oh yes, her expression spoke of a powerful yearning for something sweet and delicious as the monarch sat and grinned like a deranged psychopath dreaming about their next unwitting victim. Just as Luna was sure she’d have to commit her sister, Celestia snapped out of it and blinked a few times to clear her head.
“…You said they were hacking, right?”
“Um…yes?” Luna answered hesitantly.
“Guards! Get in here at once!” Celestia bellowed, making Luna jump. Moments later, two surprised yet vigilant guards stood at the ready beside their princesses. “Rally the Third and Fourth brigades! Tell them not to return until they’ve found the greatest Haylo players in all of Equestria!”
“Actually, I only need three to compete as a team…” Luna quietly interjected.
“Very well! Recruit a trio of gamers with attitude! Go, go, GO!”
“Yes, your Highness! Right away!” the guards exclaimed, saluting as they dashed off to begin their mission.
“Do not fail, for this is business of the most serious degree!” Celestia added, making them pause. “Find us the best gamers…and hurry!” Luna was dumbstruck. Sure, Celestia had gained a little bit of notoriety for her ‘appreciation’ of fine baked goods but this was on a whole other level.
Meh, Luna thought with a shrug as she made her way back to her gamer’s loft. Now where did I leave Borderlands?
***
“For the last time, Chief, they don’t have Halo here,” Arbiter exclaimed vehemently.
“BULLSHIT. HOWE C4N TIHS BE TEH PR0MIS4D LADN IF TH3Y DOESN’T HAS THE GRAYTEST GAEM EVAR CRAFTED BUY HUMAN KINDS?”
“Seriously Chief, stop putting an ‘s’ on everything. There’s only one kind of ‘human’.”
“JU5T ANSWER THE FUCKING QUEST CHIN”
“Fine. Does this place look technologically advanced enough to have a Goddamn 360 in every home?” Arbiter demanded.
“BUTT THAY HAZ TEH MAGICS” The Arbiter just looked at him. “REMEMBER? LOL REMEMBER ARBITER?”
“I’m not getting into this again. You’re obviously too retarded to comprehend how this world works and I’m not going to waste my time trying to explain it to you.”
“NO UR RET4RDED”
“No you.”
“Hay!” the Chief protested. “TAHT R MAI THIGN ARBITER. MINE. CANT HAZ IT.”
“Whatever, Chief. Who don’t you read something? There’s like 9000 books in here and I’ll bet at least one of them would be of some interest to you.”
“UM EXCUSE M3 ARBITER BUT CAN I AXE U A QUEST CHIN?” Without waiting for a response, he continued. “DUZ U SEA A GODDAMN STAR ON MAI ASS? DOES U? DUZ YOU? DOES U S33 IT ARBITER CUZ I DON’T.”
“No I don’t, Chief, but I’ll bet Twilight really likes a person who’s well-read.”
“K I’M GONNA G0 REED NAO STFU”
“Wow. Those hormones,” the Arbiter exclaimed as the Chief suddenly scooted up the ladder and began rifling through books. “If there’s a special place in the afterlife for those who enjoy cartoon ponies as more than just friends, I think you’ll fit in quite well.”
“Fit in well where?” a pleasant and inquisitive voice asked behind them.
“OMFG IT R TWILIGHT SPARKLE” the Chief cried from his perch before promptly falling off of it, rocking the library with a crash. “OW. GODDAMNIT”
“Hey guys,” Twilight greeted as she set her saddlebags down. “Did you manage to find something to do while I was gone?”
“Well, between some Scrabble and a stampede, we’ve managed to keep the home fires burning fairly warmly for you.” Arbiter replied as he helped Twilight unpack. He set a stack of books on the desk when a small flyer caught his eye. He picked it up and studied it. “Excuse me, Miss Sparkle, but does this mean what I think it means?”
“Maybe. All I know is that every single guard in Canterlot was handing them out. There must’ve been hundreds of them!” Twilight replied. “I’m not even sure what this is. I mean, I’ve never even heard of ‘Haylo’ before.”
There was another crash as the Chief fell from his perch for the second time, followed by a series of rapid stomps as an excited Chief ran over and grabbed the flyer.
“OMFG ARBITER WII GETS 2 PLEH HALOS AGEN!”
“Settle down, Chief, let’s see what the flyer says,” Arbiter interjected, liberating the sheet from his enthusiastic friend. “Ahem; Hear ye, hear ye, your Princess of the Night cordially invites you to showcase your gaming skills at a special gathering reserved for only the best nerds gamers in Equestria, at which time your skills will be tested and you will be pushed to your limits and beyond. The fate of the gaming world lies in your hooves. It is imperative that you come to Canterlot RSVP as soon as possible. Please note that there will also be a raffle.” The Arbiter scratched his head. “This is certainly interesting. I wasn’t aware that such a thing existed here. I wonder if it’s like Halo back home.”
“UR RETARDED. EVERYBODIES GOTS HALOS DUMBFUCK. EVEN TEH PWNIES”
“Okay, I get the point, Chief,” Arbiter replied, rolling his eyes as he turned to Twilight. “So, who is this ‘Princess Luna’?”
“JESUS CHRIST ARBITER IF U DIDN’T SP3ND ALL UR GODDAMN TIEM PLEHING TAHT STUPED GHEY FUCKIGN HELO KITY BARBIE ADN KEN SESAME STREET PU$$Y POLYPOKIT WIMPY KIDY GHEY STUPID BROTHARZ BRAWL AND JACKING 0FF TO FUCKING FAGGOT EMBLEM AND KINGDOM FARTS U MITE KNOWD WHO TEH FUCK TEH PRINCESSES IS”
“Alright, Chief I get the picture. Settle your ass down already. I’m gonna take a wild stab in the dark here…”
“UR M0M <3 A STAB IN TEH DARK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL”
“As I was saying, I’m gonna guess that this is something you’d like to check out? If we can win our way into the Princess’ favor, she might be able to help us get home.”
“FUCK HOAM I JUST WUN PLEH HALOS”
“Listen, Chief, I know you really like it here and to be honest, I’m getting pretty fond of it myself but you can’t expect me to believe that we can just stay here forever.”
“FUCK EARTH, EQUESTRIA R BETTAR” The Arbiter sighed and face-palmed.
“We’ll talk about this later, Chief. I think that for now, we should concentrate our efforts on actually getting to the contest and doing well enough to earn an audience with the Princess.” He turned to Twilight. “Can you help us get there?” The lavender unicorn nodded.
“Sure, I’d be happy to help. We’ll take the train first thing tomorrow morning.”
