One Shot.
It’s been a long and bothersome day in the comfort of my home, I have been wanting to go out and play with my friends for the past three hours but the ongoing rain had dismissed any plans that I had for the day.
I rose from my seated position and made my way over to the computer to see if anything interesting was happening among the social life of my friends. Briskly sweeping my favorite cat off of the keyboard, I slammed my fist down on the power button and the glorious machine hallelujah’d into life. I had to squint my eyes at the screen while trying to find that blasted mouse, but I remembered that I could not see without my glasses.
As I scanned the desk I was positioned at I quickly find your glasses behind my beautiful Sweet Tale plush, I also found a can of delicious Irn-Bru and a single yellow Skittle. Glancing down at my watch, I notice that I forgot to fill up the liquid dish for my cat, which was back on the laptop keyboard screaming for water. A curious thought comes across my mind and the plan springs into action. With one swift motion I open the can of Irn-Bru, grab the cat, put the cat in the liquid dish and pour the can all over the floor. I proudly pat myself on the back for having such incredible intelligence.
Placing the glasses upon my face, I crunch in the recommended Facebook details using the brand new hipster keyboard my mother bought me for Christmas. The feeling of success reigns over me as I perform a status update telling everyone how much fun I’ve been having since the rain started.
Within minutes I achieved one like and now I feel like the most popular person on Facebook.
‘BEEP’
I squealed like a little girl as the chat window popped up, this whole motion made me fall off my chair and hit the floor with a loud thud. Holding on to my sides, I produced a short groan as my cat walked over my head and exited the room. I quickly rose from the ground and delicately slapped the laptop to avoid any breakages.
“Naughty Facebook!” I shouted at the bottom of my lungs.
I picked the chair up from the ground and positioned it back in it’s rightful place. As I take my seat for the third time today, I inspect the chat window that popped up very carefully and discover someone had sent me a message.
[Yo, Owen! Answer the phone my homie!]
“My Little Pony, I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little Pony, until you all shared it’s magic with me.” came the noise from the cellular telephone in my pocket. I pull the phone out of my pocket and flip it open. I gaze upon the caller I.D and see that ‘Owens Homie’ is calling me. I hit the little green answer button and bring the device to my ear.
“Hey, Owen. How’s it going man?” the voice said.
“Who the hell is this and how do you know my name?” I scream at the phone.
“It’s your friend Steve,” said Steve.
“Oh, what do you want Steve?” I asked.
“I just wanted to tell you that you can summon ponies by placing a cat in a liquid dish, pouring Irn-Bru on the floor and saying oh shit,” said Steve
“Oh, shit!” I screamed, closing the phone.
I suddenly realized that I had already performed the three main steps to summon a pony, I rushed out of the room and heard a loud knock on the door.
Standing in the hallway the epic theme I always sing fills my head like an army of angels. As I make my way to the door I pause for a few seconds and take a deep breath. the moment I always dreamed about has finally arrived, I quickly open the door and sign for the package.
Giving my thanks to the delivery man, I slam the door in his face and run back to my bedroom.
My body fills with excitement as I quickly open the package and place my new Selena Gomez CD on the shelf. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a shape in the corner of the room. I casually turn to look at the object and come face to plot with Fluttershy. Deciding the best thing to do, I take my whole fist and insert it into my mouth to avoid alerting the innocent pony to my presence. Before she realizes where she is, I whip out a pair of handcuffs from a nearby drawer and handcuff her hind leg to the table. While she is unaware of me I begin plotting my malicious acts of decadency and perversion.
Unfortunately she kicks me in the testicles with her remaining free hind leg. Fluttershy begins to panic and she attempts to break free from the shackles I had placed upon her. After what felt hours of pain and torture, I recover from the pain the ferocious Pegasus had just inflicted on my nutsack and think about the options that lay before me.
I decide to throw her in the refrigerator for safe keeping, it seemed like the best thing to do at the time. She struggled for a good five minutes before I managed to secure a padlock on the door and told her to calm down.
“Let me out, it smells like death in here,” said Fluttershy.
“Not until you tell me how you got here,” I asked.
“You summoned me with Irn-Bru you idiot,” she shouted.
I glanced down at the liquid dish and saw the puddle of Irn-Bru on the floor, my cat currently lapping away at the liquid. To my amazement, the cat grew wings and flew away.
“That can of Irn-Bru is off the chain!” I said in shock.
“I’m going to murder your family,” said Fluttershy.
“No,” I said, quickly exiting the room.
I jumped onto the chair and pulled out my phone, I used my overly large fingers to try and type my friends number in, then hit the call button.
“Hello,” I said.
“This is David Cameron, how may I help you?” said the voice.
“Fuck off Dave!” I shouted.
I decided to give it one more shot, Fluttershy would be getting cold right about now. I went a bit slower this time, shouting out the number as I typed them.
“Four, One, One, Eight... Shit, Four.”
I hit the call button for a second time and awaited a response.
“This is The President speaking!” said the voice.
“Oh, for fuck-” I said as I leaned out of the window.
“Steve!” I shouted.
My friends name wasn't Steve, but I thought this would get his attention. A small bearded Scottish fellow appeared from the lower window.
“What the fuck are you doing, hanging out of the window,” he shouted.
“I’m trying to dial your number, I've forgotten what it is,” I said.
“IT’S ONE,” he shouted and re-entered the house. The sound of bagpipes could be heard shortly afterwards.
I called the number that my friend had given me and fell from the window.
“OUCH!” I shouted down the phone.
“You called?” said Ouch.
“There’s a pony in my refrigerator, what the fuck do I do?” I said, sitting up from the floor.
“Alright, stay calm. You must journey to the Mushroom Kingdom and find a sacred elixir,” he replied with a sexual accent.
“Can I not just smash her face in with a frying pan?” I asked.
“Aye, works both ways.” he sighed, hanging up the phone.
I entered the kitchen where the refrigerator sat and grabbed a frying pan from the table. The anticipation of a good fight was drawing closer with each step. I pulled the key out from my pocket and inserted it into the padlock that was securely attached to the refrigerator. I gave it a quick twist and the lock fell to the floor.
“Brace yourself,” I shouted as I placed my hand on the handle of the fridge.
It was in that moment that I realized my devastating mistake. I slowly opened the door and out slid Fluttershy, encased in a tomb of ice. A solid expression of anger on her face.
I raise the pan high up in the air and strike the block of ice, Fluttershy shattering into pieces. I turn to the reader and point my frying pan at them.
“I’m an ice cold killa!” I shout.