All The Questions And More That You Were Afraid To Ask About Pathetic Sex With Inanimate Objects
“So...” Twilight said with a giggle to the custard-coated, blue-maned stallion before her. “You wanna get... serious?”
Flash Sentry, the pony she was addressing, grabbed a towel and wiped the custard off of himself to reveal that his coat was of the same color. “What do you mean, serious?”
Twilight waggled her eyebrows and gave the stallion bedroom eyes. “Well, you know... maybe snuggly with a few books, throw a blanket over ourselves, get real close and... help ensure the survival of the pony race through procreation.”
“Still not following you,” Flash Sentry said with a blank expression on his face.
Twilight sighed. “I meant, let’s have sex!”
“Have what?”
Twilight stared at Flash Sentry. “You know, when you stick your dangly thing into my wet parts?”
An expression of dawning realization came over Flash Sentry’s dumb face. “Oh! Sorry, I’m gay.”
This broke Twilight’s mind and spirit. How could her hubby-wubby-bubby-chubby waifu do this to her? How could he just decide to be gay on her like that? What a horrible pony!
“Wait!” Twilight said. “If you're gay, then I’ve got just want you need!” Twilight flipped onto her stomach, exposing her growing erection. “I was fucking around with some magic or something, and I accidentally gave myself a dick! We can have gaysex now!”
Flash Sentry made that little inhaley noise with your mouth that you make when you’re trying to avoid getting into something. “Yeah, no, yeah, no, no, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, no...” He shook his head. “Sorry, you’ve still got a vagina, and that’s a bit too icky for me...”
Twilight was getting desperate now. “What if I covered it up with tape or something? I could stuff it full of tissues so none of the juices leak out and make the tape peel... then it would only be my male parts!”
Flash Sentry put a hoof on Twilight Sparkle’s shoulder. “Twilight... it’s not gonna work. We can never be. Don’t try to change yourself for somepony who could never be yours... you’ll find somepony to love you for you!” And with that, Flash Sentry ascended to the heavens on a rainbow colored beam of light.
Twilight was still rather distressed by this. Sobbing, she ran all the way home, accidentally knocking Pip into a rosebush. ,
Don’t worry though, little British fuck deserved it.
Once at home, Twilight found Spike and threw herself on him, sobbing into his chest. The dragon sighed, and broke up the industrial strength tissue papers that he saved for when somepony broke up with Twilight, or when she had to stuff up her baby chute for when she wanted to have gaysex.
“Twilight, did Flash Sentry dump you?” Spike asked in a bored tone.
“YES HE DIIIIIIIIIIIIID!” Twilight screamed in sorrow, covering Spike in tears and spit. The little lubed dragon slipped out from under the mare, and slid on his back across the library floor, and into the kitchen where he got lodged under the fridge.
Twilight, now aware that Spike had escaped, stopped her crying. Using up the remaining of the industrial strength tissue papers, she cleaned up her tears. There was no use in lying on the ground crying in a pathetic heap like some sort of loser! She would have to solve her problem in the least loser-like way possible!
“I’ll build myself a sexbot!” Twilight declared triumphantly.
And so, Twilight broke out her old box of mechanical parts, pulled up “The Dummy’s Guild To Building Sex Bots For Total Morons”, and set to work. She screwed and hammered, tweezered and tweaked, smashed and greased, programmed and poked, plucked and lubed. After a good three hours, she built a fully functioning Sexbot of Flash Sentry.
The robot was less than beautiful, but it would work for Twilight. Sure, it had exposed gears, frayed wires, one leg was shorter than the others, and the face was drawn on with the artistic skill of a mentally retarded three year old, but it had a self lubing penis, so it was good enough for her!
“Spike! Come in here, I’ve finished with my amazing sexbot!” She said with a manic smile.
“I’m still stuck under the fridge!” came the muffled voice of her reptilian assistant.
“You were stuck under there for three whole hours?” Twilight said in amazement. She trotted over and rescued her dragon friend from the depths of the dust coated wonderland that was the underside of the fridge.
“Yeah, my stomach got me wedged in there pretty good,” Spike said in a somewhat annoyed tone.
Twilight giggled. “You’re getting a bit pudgy, alright. So... sexily pudgy...” Her mouth began to water just looking at Spike. Chubby little children of any species are her fetish.
She was just about to start shoving Spike into her mouth when she remembered her sexbot. “Right!” She said determinedly, dropping Spike on his noggin and sprinting over to her haphazard machine. “Isn’t he beautiful?”
“Uh...” Spike said, rubbing his soar cranium. “No. And how’d you build a robot in such a short time? Don’t those usually take years to build?”
“No, Spike. They usually take nine to eleven months. Not YEARS... but yeah, I cut a few corners to save time.” Twilight said with a roll of her eyes. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a sexy experience to enjoy.”
“Right, I’ll be outside throwing up if you need me,” Spike notified her, and with that he walked his little fat ass right out of there.
Twilight paid little to no attention to her assistant’s departure, and instead booted up her sexbot. With the windows starting noise, the pleasure machine came to life.
“Yes!” Twilight boomed in scientific success. “I shall name thee... Flash Sextry!”
Flash Sextry just stood there, cooling fans on full blast, making an annoying whirring noise. Twilight figured she’d just have to ignore that. Flopping on her back, she moved her balls off of the purple pussy that lay beneath them and prepared for the robotic sexing.
Flash Sextry bent over with the sound of creaking springs and lifts and pulleys working to the best of their ability. The robot groaned and creaked as he shifted into position over the intersex mare below him. Then, without warning, there was a very loud noise that startled Twilight half to death.
“Hornton Virus Scan would like to scan for viruses for the next 48 hours,” Flash Sextry announced in a robotic female’s voice.
“I don’t give a fuck, just give me the goods!” Twilight yelled, slapping the “fuck you” button that she had installed on the side of Flash Sextry’s head to terminate the virus scan. Then, she slapped the “fuck me” button she had installed directly below the first button.
Flash Sextry jerkily and ungracefully lowered into position before Twilight Sparkle. “Beginning thrusting sequence,” he announced in the same robotic, feminine voice.
He missed the first time, thrusting into Twilight’s taint. Through the blinding pain on this, Twilight lifted her plot up a bit higher so that he could enter where he was meant to.
Twilight had constructed Flash Sextry’s penis from a lead pipe and some sandpaper, so it was not destined to be the most comfortable of journeys through her reproductive passages. But Twilight had hoped to change this destiny by installing a self-lubing mechanism. It squirted out liberal amounts of a hastily mixed concoction of WD40 and lighter fluid; an old Sparkle family secret recipe for top quality lube. In fact, Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle themselves had used it the night Twilight was conceived, which might lead in some insight to Twilight’s current mental state.
This thrust, Flash Sextry was able to actually get it into Twilight Sparkle. His lubed pipe slid into Twilight’s gaping vagina with ease, and the unicorn moaned in pleasure as the lube slickened the way into her. The lube was also highly corrosive, but the sting just adds to the pleasure.
The stallion thrust into his creator, making this one of the oddest cases of incest since Fry went back in time and had sex with his own Grandmother. Twilight groaned in pleasure as the sandpaper rubbed the lube deeper into the walls of her vagina. It was seriously the hottest fucking thing ever.
However, Twilight had cut one very vital corner in her haste to create the sexbot: she hadn’t programmed Flash Sextry to last very long. And so, with a final grunt of “01001001 01011100 00100111 01101101 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101110 01101110 01100001 00100000 01100011 01110101 01101101 00100001!”, Flash Sextry shot his massive load of steaming hot motor oil into Twilight’s insides.
“Oh goddess...” Twilight said with a moan as the fluids poured out of her, blistering her outside skin. “That was...” With a grunt, she came, and thick jets of semen shot from inside her balls and out of her stallion erection.
“It’s too bad you don’t have any feelings,” Twilight said with a sigh. “You could have been my new coltfriend.”
Flash Sextry felt a small tear of industrial lubricant leak from one of his misshapen eyeglass lenses Twilight had used to create his eyes. Unbeknownst to Twilight, in her quickened state of constructing and programming, she had installed the emotional data files of a pregnant sixteen year old. And as everyone knows, after getting sad and eating a ton, when you insult a pregnant chick they go on a murderous rampage. As a fifteen year old male, I feel entirely confident saying that.
So, after devouring the contents of the refrigerator, Flash Sextry stomped outside to go on a murderous rampage outside of town. As he broke down the door to Twilight’s house, he passed by Spike, who was still vomiting in the bushes. Twilight was soon beside Spike, staring after Flash Sextry.
“What the hell’s going on?” Spike asked Twilight.
“I may have accidentally ensured all of our horribly painful deaths,” Twilight said in an offhand way.
“Really? What did you do this time?” Spike asked as Flash Sextry broke into a nearby house, and began setting fire to the places inside.
“Well, I may have hurt his feelings when I called him an ‘emotionless sexbot’.”
“Did you really call him that?”
“Well, I’m paraphrasing, but that was the basic message I sent.”
Spike groaned. “Well then, apologize!”
Twilight hugged Spike. “Normally, you're pretty dumb, but sometimes you really come through Spike!” She dropped him, where he landed in a puddle of his own vomit.
The unicorn sprinted off to stop the horrible rampage of the sexbot, who was now torching a home next to the one he had just destroyed. Twilight was now regretting installing that flamethrower tongue.
Catching up to the sexbot, Twilight prepared her apology. “Look, Flash Sextry, I’m sorry I said you didn’t have any feelings. You obviously have many, all of them murderous! Now please, stop burning down houses and come back home to have some more sex.”
Flash Sextry turned to Twilight Sparkle, a sort of empathy and guilt in his eyeglass eyes. Perhaps he began to feel bad for the destruction he was causing after—
Wait, no, that was some soot on his eyes. The real emotion was still blind rage. Flash Sextry continued to burn and destroy the house he was working on, before moving onto the next one.
“Shit, I’m all out of ideas then,” Twilight said, sitting down on her ass and accepting that Ponyville was just going to have to be destroyed.
Fortunately for her, the sky opened up in a glorious shower of rainbows, and for once it wasn’t because Rainbow Dash was having a bout of explosive diarrhea. Down from the heavens descended Flash Sentry, who was cloaked in holy rainbows. He slowly advanced towards his robotic counterpart, ready to end the terror once and for all.
And he was thusly incinerated by Flash Sextry’s laser eyes, which were just laser pointers that were magnified by going through the eyeglass lenses that made up his eyes. Twilight began to regret installing that too.
“Is there nothing that can save us?” she screamed into the heavens. The elements of harmony were out of the question, those only worked on black and white morality villains.
And then, something miraculous happened. Flash Sextry seized up in the middle of destroying a nearby orphanage, and began to jolt around jerkily. Finally, his eyes flashed blue, displaying the dreaded blue screen of death, and he powered down.
“Yes!” Twilight shouted triumphantly. “Thank you, Windows 8!”
“Is it safe to come out now?” asked a nearby pony, who had been cowering behind the burnt remains of what was once her sex emporium/home.
“But of course! I single handedly stopped the monster!” Twilight announced.
“And more good news!” Pinkie Pie announced enthusiastically from behind a rosebush. “The only casualty was Pip! Poor guy musta died from blood loss after the monster threw him into this thorn bush.”
And so, everypony lived happily ever after, except Twilight, who died from the electro-gonorrhea she had contracted while having sex with Flash Sextry.
The End.