The Planet Express delivery company takes a delivery to a planet called 'Equestria'. This won't end well.
The Planet Express delivery company takes a delivery to a planet called 'Equestria'. Of course it doesn't go smoothly. It never does with a crew like theirs. What happens in Equestria doesn't stay in Equestria, though, and their adventure is far from over when they leave... because the adventure of a certain six ponies is just beginning.
A Futurama and My Little Pony crossover, featuring all your favorite characters from both series. Written (more or less) from the perspective of a Futurama episode, where the MLP universe is contained in one solar system in the Futurama universe. When two of the best cartoons in the world collide, buckle up and get ready for one heck of a ride!
Many thanks to my proofreaders, GingerLuna, Knight of Cerebus, and JeffCvt. They've helped a lot in polishing this fic. -Cover image by yours truly, using stock vectors and screencaps
A chorus of groans came from around the Planet Express break room in response to Professor Farnsworth's pronouncement.
“Uh oh. Here it comes.” Apparently, even Fry knew that the Professor's 'good news' was bad news. Leela steeled herself for the worst.
“You'll be delivering this mysterious package to a planet called 'Equestria', deep within the Sector of no Return.”
Despite his upbeat voice, Leela could tell that this wasn't likely to be one of their safest missions. “And then we'll be returning, right?” she prodded.
“Oh my, yes. Of course...” He turned toward Hermes and whispered just a bit too loudly, “there's a first time for everything, right?”
“But what if we don't...” Fry gasped. “Planet Express would be doomed!”
“Doooooomed!” Bender added helpfully.
“Don't worry,” Hermes said, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands behind his neck. “I've determined that it would be a tax-deductible business expense.”
The Professor clapped his hands together and smiled. “There, you see, perfectly safe! Now, off you go!”
Fry cringed down into the couch. “Aw, but I promised Bender we'd go to the Neil Diamond concert!”
“Hey!” Bender held his arms akimbo and scowled at Fry. “I thought you said we were going to steal diamonds! What's this crap about a concert?”
“That will have to wait until you get back,” the Professor said. “For now, you need to get going.”
“Fine.” Bender grabbed the package from where it sat next to Farnsworth and stomped off toward the landing bay. “Beats some crummy concert, anyway.”
Dragging Fry along, Leela also made her way to the ship. “You can count on us to get the job done, Professor!”
“Eh, whaa?” The Professor peered at her with confusion in his eyes as she stepped past him. “What job? What are you people talking about?”
Paying him no mind, Leela continued on into the ship. Sector of return or sector of no return, they had a delivery to make. Next stop, Equestria!
* * *
There it was, the Equestria System, already visible in the front window, and not a single problem so far. This 'Sector of no Return' was turning out to be a lot tamer than Leela expected. “Approaching destination!” she called out behind her. “Navcom status?”
“Online,” Bender replied.
“Wait...” She squinted her eye towards the rapidly approaching system. “Something's strange here...” She glanced over at the readouts on her console and gasped. “That sun is orbiting the planet!” She turned to her fellow crew members. “That's amazing! How is that even possible?”
“So?” Bender glared at Leela. “I orbited a planet that one time Fry shot me out of the airlock, and nobody thought that was amazing.”
“That's because you're not a sun.” Leela rolled her eye. “And because you totally deserved it.”
“Sheesh.” Bender swiveled his back to her and sulked. “Try to hijack the ship to wipe out the human race one time...”
Leela tuned out Benders mumbling; the planet was approaching fast. “Okay, Fry, touchdown in four minutes. Stand by on the zigzag plotter.”
“Aye, Captain!” Fry replied as the ship began to enter Equestria's atmosphere. The zigzag plotter didn't do anything, of course. Leela just knew from experience that it was best to have something to keep Fry occupied during takeoff and landing.
Seeing the ground approaching, Leela prepared the ship for landing.
* * *
“It's great that you girls could make it here for my first air show!” Rainbow gushed, “It's going to be awesome!” She glanced down again at the Wonderbolts uniform she was wearing. She could still barely believe she was finally about to fly with her life-long heroes. She looked out over the wide palace balcony, already daydreaming of–
“You bet it's gonna be awesome!” Scootaloo rushed back up to her side. The filly had been awfully hard to get away from today.
“Hey, Squirt,” Rainbow said, looking down at Scootaloo, “don't you have a Junior Speedsters sign-up to get to?”
The little filly straightened and her eyes widened in shock. She looked up at the clock tower visible from the huge balcony. “Oh my gosh, the sign-up! I'm late!” Impossibly, she whipped her scooter out from nowhere and began buzzing off. “See you guys later!” she called out as she puttered away.
“Are you certain she'll be all right all by herself in Canterlot?” Rarity asked. “She is rather young to be–”
“She'll be fine.” Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes. “I wandered all over Canterlot when I was her age, and besides, she doesn't even have to leave the castle. What could possibly go wrong?”
“I don't know...” Applejack looked around warily. “If Applebloom was here, I'd–”
Pinkie Pie cut her off with a sharp call of, “Twitchy tail!”
Rainbow Dash – along with the rest of her friends – looked over at Pinkie, and again her pink tail twitched. Rainbow sprang into action. A call of, “everypony inside! Quick!” was enough to get all five of her friends off of the open balcony and safely inside the doorway leading to it. “What's falling, Pinkie?” Rainbow asked.
“I... I don't know,” Pinkie answered, “but it's something big!”
Nervously, all six ponies peeked out through the open archway. The sky was blue and clear – as anypony would expect on a day with a Wonderbolts air show scheduled. There didn't seem to be any threat of anything falling, but everypony present had learned to take Pinkie's prescient twitches very seriously. With a wince, Rainbow started to wonder if Pinkie might be predicting that something would fall during her air show. Oh please no! Whatever happened, Rainbow would be devastated if something caused her very first show to be a failure.
Suddenly, though, any doubt about the meaning of Pinkie's premonition could be put to rest. Something huge, green, and metallic came shooting down from the sky. It was completely impossible. Those things only existed in the science fiction adventure novels Twilight let Rainbow borrow sometimes... but there it was: a real, live spaceship! And it was coming in fast – too fast, if Rainbow knew anything about flying – and she certainly did. With a resounding crash that sent the ponies dashing for cover again, the ship smashed into the wide balcony in front of them nose first. Cracks radiated from the point of impact, but the balcony held together as the huge ship teetered there, balancing precariously on its nose. With another crunching slam, the ship slowly fell down onto its belly. Only after it came to a halt did landing gear and a ramp pop out, lifting it back up just a little.
As Rainbow and her friends looked on in awe, a strange creature came walking down the ship's ramp. It walked on its hind legs only, and seemed to be made of metal. Its head swiveled around entirely backwards and a voice came from it: “Nice flying there, captain depth perception!”
Another creature followed it, replying, “My flying was fine. It was Fry's fault for screwing up on the zigzag plotter.” This one also walked on two legs, and also was tailless, but there the similarities ended. This one did have a mane, though that seemed to be her only hair, the rest of her being bald... and she looked female... but her most striking feature was her one, enormous eye.
Rainbow watched in amazement as yet another of these strange creatures walked out. This one had an orange mane, and at least seemed to have a normal number of eyes. “Hey, I was busy!” he shouted back.
“Busy picking your nose!” the metal one jeered.
“Hey, that's important!” the orange-maned one insisted.
“But did you have to use both hands?” The one-eyed one sighed and rolled her enormous eye. “Anyway, bring the package, delivery boy.”
The orange-maned one returned to the ship, grumbling. Moments later, he reappeared, this time carrying a cardboard box. Only then did the strange bipedal being seem to notice the six ponies watching him from the doorway. “Oh, there they are now,” he said, walking over with the box. “Is one of you... um...” He looked closely at the box for a moment. “Princess Celestia?”
“Nopey Dopey!” Pinkie Pie blurted out from behind Rainbow.
Rainbow herself was far from sure about these creatures. “Who are you, anyway, and what are you?”
“Oh, I'm Fry, and I'm a delivery boy.”
That hardly satisfied Rainbow's suspicious curiosity, but the other two creatures were already approaching. Before Rainbow could interrogate further, the purple-maned one walked up and interrupted. “What are you waiting for, Fry? Just hand over the package and let's go.”
“But they're not 'Princess Celestia',” he replied.
Hearing that, the one-eyed one finally seemed to take notice of the ponies in front of her. “Oh my gosh!” She gasped. “They're adorable!”
“Neat!” the metal one said, pulling a bright-colored camera out of his chest and taking a quick picture of the ponies. After putting it back, he looked around. “So if none of you jerkwads is this Princess Celestia, then who is? Where is she?”
“Oh, the Princess is in another–”
Rainbow shut Twilight up with a hoof shoved into her mouth. “Don't tell them!” She glanced back at the intruders suspiciously. “We don't know who they are, or why they're here!”
As usual, Pinkie butted right into the conversation. “They don't look so dangerous to me.”
“Well, they sure must look scary to Fluttershy.” Applejack pointed over to where the pegasus cowered behind Rarity. “And I ain't too sure myself about that metal feller.”
Rarity herself grimaced at the three creatures. “And do you see the boots that one is wearing? It's atrocious!”
The purple-maned creature narrowed her one eye and glared at Rarity. “Look. Just tell us where we can find this princess so we can deliver our package and get out of here, okay?”
“Oh, you're just delivering the Princess a package?” Twilight said, extricating Rainbow's hoof from her mouth. “She's just–”
“Twilight!” Rainbow stopped her friend again, this time with a rough shake. “We don't even know who they are! There's no way we can trust them.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and fluffed out her wings. “Fine.” Turning back to the intruders, she asked, “So, who are you anyway?”
“Oh, this is Fry–”
The one-eyed one's introduction was cut off by Fry's, “I already told them.”
Ignoring him, she continued, “and this is Bender–”
“Wooo!” the metal one shouted, “that guy's the greatest!”
“And I'm Leela. We're from the Planet Express delivery company.” She gave an exasperated sounding sigh and asked, “Can we please move along now?”
“Sure,” Twilight chimed in, “The Princess is–”
“Twilight!” Rainbow still wasn't ready to trust these things, names or no names.
“I'm sure the Princess can take care of herself, Rainbow.” Twilight laughed. “But we can escort them there personally if it makes you feel better.”
Somehow, Rainbow just knew these bizarre things weren't to be trusted. She just knew this wouldn't turn out well. But what could she do but go along with it and keep a close eye on them?
* * *
“I still don't know about these aliens. I don't like the way they're looking at me.” Bender swiveled his head around to glare back again at the ponies following them.
“They look pretty harmless to me.” Fry shrugged – as well as he could while lugging the box.
“Too harmless.” With a mechanical whir, Bender's eyes narrowed.
“Give it a rest, Bender.” Leela herself found these little aliens too cute for words. “Just look how adorable they are.”
Bender's arms crossed. “Too adorable. I don't trust 'em.”
“Hey, I am not adorable!” The rainbow-haired one flew up in front of Leela with a scowl on her face. “I am awesome!”
“Awesomely fruity, maybe.” Bender chuckled at his own joke.
“Hey!” The pony flew up to Bender now. “I am not going to be talked to like that by a big walking lunchbox!” The pony's glaring expression wasn't to be trifled with. Even the usually indomitable Bender was given pause by it.
The robot glanced left and right, looking for an escape. After a moment, he suddenly straightened in shock, and he pointed at something behind the pony accosting him. “Oh my gosh! Look! It's a giant yellow space vampire!”
Everyone, even Leela herself, turned to look, only to see nothing. She should have known better. Yellow space vampires had gone extinct decades ago. As she turned back, she only caught the slightest glimpse of the robot disappearing down a side passage.
“Hey, where'd he go?” the rainbow one asked, looking around suspiciously.
The ponies all looked at each other blankly, apparently at a loss.
Shrugging it off, Leela resumed walking along the corridor as if nothing had happened.
“Hey!” The rainbow pony zoomed in front of her again. “Where do you think you're going?”
Leela froze; she hated it when she had to take the flak for Bender's misdeeds. “I'm going to deliver the package.” Playing it off as no big deal might just do the trick.
“Oh no you're not, not until you tell us where that metal guy went.” The pony wasn't backing down. “Right, Twilight?”
“I guess so,” one of the ponies behind Leela answered.
“Uh...” Leela didn't know what to do. They were a long way from the ship already. This wouldn't be a good time to go picking fights. Suddenly, though, an idea came to her. “Is that Princess Celestia!?” she said, pointing off into the distance. Again, everyone looked. Leela couldn't believe that trick worked twice in a row. Hurriedly, she slipped down a different side passage. From here, she could make her way safely back to the ship.
* * *
Rainbow Dash seethed in frustration as yet another one of these strange beings vanished. She turned to the remaining one, determined not to let all of them slip away. She stared him down, glowering right into his face.
Moments of tense silence followed... and then still more moments of silence. Then, finally, this one seemed to have an idea as well. “Oh my gosh! Look! It's a pink magical unicorn!” The creature pointed away down the corridor – as well as it could point at anything while holding the box in its hands, anyway.
Rainbow just kept staring at him. She was not about to fall for that again. Nopony else seemed distracted either, not even Pinkie.
The look on the creature's face grew pained. “Aw, come on. That worked for everybody else. No fair.”
* * *
Leela slinked around another corner, wary of the two armored guards trotting by. Luckily, they didn't seem to notice her. She rushed down the hallway as soon as it was clear. She was sure that it led in the right direction to get back to the ship. She must be only minutes away now. At the next intersection she stopped, peeking carefully around each corner. Assured that this hallway was clear as well, she shot out again – only to trip and fall horribly as something smacked into her shins.
“Ouch! Hey, watch where you're going!” a small voice cried out from the floor behind her.
Leela turned around to look in disgust and annoyance, but these emotions instantly faded when she saw what – or who, rather – she had tripped over. If she had thought the adult aliens were cute, this little orange and purple one was on a whole new level of adorability.
“Oh no!” Her escape was momentarily forgotten in a briefly irresistible nurturing urge to help this cute little thing. “Are you okay?” She looked around. No other aliens were in view. “Where's your mommy and daddy?”
“I'm fine. I've had worse crashes,” the little one said, picking herself up, “and I don't have any parents.”
That wrenched Leela's heartstrings. “You're... you're an orphan?”
“Well, yeah, I guess...”
“What's your name, little one?” Leela struggled to restrain herself from running over and scooping the little thing up into a hug right away.
“Name's Scootaloo!” the little filly volunteered proudly.
“Do you want a mommy?” Leela asked, her heart in her throat. This helpless little orphan alien was just irresistible.
* * *
“And you should be sure to address her as 'your royal highness', dear.” The white and purple alien was by far the most annoying of the bunch, Fry decided. “And do remember to bow... however it is your species does that.”
Fry rolled his eyes. Here he was – again – stranded on an alien world while his friends abandon him to do the real delivery work. And this was definitely one of the stranger planets where it had happened to him.
Off to the side of the passageway, a light green alien nudged the one next to her, whispering loudly, “See, Bon Bon! I told you they exist!” The other one in the alcove just stood and gaped at him.
Finally, he approached a huge golden set of doors. Hopefully this would be it, and he could finally be done with this delivery and get back to someplace normal.
Two big white ponies in golden armor stood at either side of the door. As Fry walked up, they spread their wings across, blocking his path. A nod from the purple pony following him, though, got them to fold back their wings and resume their silent watch. Fry looked back at her, a little grateful for her help. She smiled back, and as Fry turned back towards the doors, they began to glow purple and open.
Fry just shrugged and walked on through. He had seen plenty of stranger things here in the future. Inside was a huge, ornate room, and on the other side of it was a white pony much bigger than the others, sitting on top of some kind of throne, with two more gold-armored ponies on either side. “Uh, which one of you is Princess Celestia?” he asked.
* * *
Twilight Sparkle stared at the alien creature in front of her, dumbfounded. Sure, he didn't know anything about pony society, but there was Princess Celestia, crown and throne and everything, and this 'Fry' creature couldn't tell if she was the princess or if it was one of the not-crowned, not-throned, male guards on either side? Just how dense was this Fry thing?
Still, it would be best not to make a scene, she supposed. “The one in the middle,” she whispered.
“Oh, thanks!” he said, much too loudly. Walking up to the dais – without bowing, of course – he called out, “I've got a package here for Princess Celestia.”
Celestia just smiled. She didn't seem to be bothered in the slightest by Fry's lack of etiquette. “That would be me.”
“Oh, good.” He tore a sheet of paper from the box. “Sign here, please.”
Celestia's horn glowed, and a quill shot out from behind her throne. As it flew over to sign the paper, Fry stared at it with a look of intense fascination on his face. What was wrong with this creature? Had he never seen a quill before? After Celestia signed the paper, Fry set down the box at her feet and held out his hand expectantly. What was he doing now?
Celestia just stared down at him and raised her eyebrow. She pointed a hoof at the writing on one side of the box. It read, 'do not tip delivery boy.'
Fry stuck his hands into his pockets and stared down at the floor. “Aw, that never works,” he mumbled dejectedly. “Oh well, at least I finally get to find out what's in the box.”
Celestia levitated the box with her magic, bringing it up next to her on the throne. She set it down there and looked at it closely. She then looked back towards Fry, Twilight, and her friends.
Everyone looked up to her, even Twilight herself, expectancy all over their faces.
Celestia did nothing.
Twilight kept staring at Celestia and her mysterious box and ruffled her feathers impatiently. The suspense was killing her.
“Well, my little ponies,” Celestia said, “I think I will retire from audience hours early today. It has been so lovely to see you all.” She began to get up. “Oh, and good luck at the air show this evening, Rainbow Dash.” With that, she rose from her throne and quickly left through the door to her private quarters behind it, taking the box with her.
“Well, that was disappointing,” the Fry creature commented.
Twilight shook her head. She shouldn't let not knowing what was in the box bother her so much. “Ugh. Come on girls, let's get back to getting ready for the air show.”
“I could be ready no time!” Rainbow boasted.
“We know, dear, but some of us do take just a little longer.” Twilight rolled her eyes, knowing that Rarity would be taking hours to dress for the occasion.
“Okay. You guys go. I've got to go look for my friends anyway. I'll find my own way out.” Fry was already heading for the door.
Rainbow made a move to intercept, but Twilight stopped her with a magical grip on her tail. “Let him go, Rainbow. He seems mostly harmless.”
* * *
Princess Celestia sighed in pleasant anticipation as she simultaneously locked the door of her private bathroom, started some almost-too-hot water in the bath, and set the box down beside it. The exotic bubble bath that made her mane glow and wave so magnificently was not easy to come by, but the luxurious feel of it made the difficultly so worthwhile. Once Luna had come back from the moon, though, her supply of the precious bubbly liquid had been running perilously low – low enough for her to resort to ordering it from an off-world source.
She began stripping off her ceremonial ornaments; the bath was already nearly full. As much as she might regret exposing her innocent little ponies to the outside universe, she was glad that she had made this order. Her royal vestments removed, she opened the box and poured a little of one of the bottles into the bath. Immediately, the sweet, heavenly smell of it permeated the room. As the bubbles reached the rim, she used her magic to shut the water off. This was going to be so lovely. Why, she didn't even have anything scheduled until the air show... She might even be able to allow herself to doze off a little. How decadent, she thought with a dreamy smile growing on her face.
* * *
Bender crept through the room as quietly as he could with a chest compartment full of loot. His first impulse was to be disappointed with the lack of steal-able items inside; distracting the two guards at the door had taken a lot of effort. Sadly, that effort had landed him inside some kind of bedroom, not a treasure room. His eyes fixed on something else though – a locked door at the back of the room. A locked room inside a guarded room? Maybe that would be where all the valuables were stashed! Softly chuckling with maniacal glee, he slipped a lock picking attachment onto his fingers.
As the door opened under his expert touch, the view on the other side once again disappointed him. There was nothing but a fancy bathroom and a big white pony sleeping in a tub full of bubbles in the center. He hung his head low in exasperation at the frustrating lack of reward for all his efforts... until he saw what was laying on the floor. Four golden horseshoes, a golden crown, and a huge golden collar with a nice, big violet gemstone set in it. With a whir, his eyes popped out in amazement. Now this was loot!
He wasted no time in ratcheting out his arms to grab the shining plunder. The shoes and crown fit into his chest compartment with ease, though it was starting to get full now. The collar, though, that was never going to fit inside. With a shrug, he tossed it onto his own neck. If anybody could pull off a fashion accessory like that, he could.
The clank of gold against his steel body seemed to have roused the big white pony in the tub. As she began to stir, Bender made a hasty exit. Time to get back to the ship; getting all this loot would be meaningless if he got caught before making it home.
* * *
Fry stumbled up the ramp back into the ship. He had looked everywhere, but he hadn't found the slightest trace of his friends. He was exhausted and his feet hurt. He was ready to be done with this planet.
“Hey, Fry, where've you been?” Leela sat happily in the pilot's chair, with a little orange pony in her lap.
Fry just groaned. Leela had been on the ship the whole time?
“Oh, and meet the newest member of our family, Scootaloo.” She patted the little pony on her lap.
“Hi, Fry,” the pony said.
“Another one?” Fry shook his head. “Isn't one weird alien pet enough? Now you need Nibbler and this thing?”
“Hey, I'm nobody's pet!” the little pony shouted out, jumping to the floor. “I'm a pegasus and Leela's going to be my new mommy. She's going to take me up in a rocket and I'm going to get my cutie mark in space flying!”
Fry just stared at Leela in stunned disbelief. She at least had the decency to blush about it a little. “But she just seemed so lonely there,” Leela whined, “almost as lonely as Zoidberg.”
“But less likely to end up living in a dumpster!” Bender chose that moment to barge in, running onto the bridge. “Okay, party's over. Let's go!” He seemed to be really in a rush to leave, but when he spotted Scootaloo, he paused. “What's that?”
“Leela stole a baby pony,” Fry informed him, looking sternly at Leela.
“Stealing?” Bender put on his best look of outraged shock. He leaned forward to thrust and accusing finger at her. “I'm very disappointed in you, Leela.” As he leaned forward, the door to his chest compartment sprung open, sending an impressive pile of gold and jewels sprawling across the ship's floor.
For a moment, everyone just froze. Leela stared at Bender in accusatory disapproval. Bender stared at this pile of loot on the floor with his closest approximation of embarrassment. Fry continued to stare at Leela in disapproval. And Scootaloo stared at everybody in utter confusion.
The moment of silence was broken by hooves pounding on the ship's door. “Open up!” a gruff voice shouted from outside, “You're wanted for questioning regarding the kidnapping of Scootaloo Songwing and the theft of the royal regalia.”
“Cheese it!” Bender yelled out.
Leela needed no encouragement. She fired up the ship and blasted away within seconds, leaving the pony planet far behind.
* * *
“I want to thank all of you for responding to my summons so quickly,” Princess Celestia said from the dais in her throne room. “Especially you, Rainbow Dash. I know how hard it must be for you to miss your very first air show.”
Before anypony else could reply, Pinkie Pie blurted out, “Princess, why are you naked?”
Rainbow shook her head. Pinkie could be a lot of fun sometimes, but she just had no idea of when it wasn't appropriate. “It's no problem, Princess. Spitfire said she'd substitute me into the next air show as soon as I get back... and I'm not going to let down my princess or my friends!” As Rainbow dropped back to the floor after her outburst, she noticed Twilight blushing and trying very hard to hide a rising tail. Rainbow rolled her eyes. She should have known the effect that seeing Celestia in the nude would have on Twilight.
“Thank you, Rainbow,” Celestia said quietly. She stood up and addressed everypony in the room. “And thank you Pinkie Pie, for asking the question that everypony else is too polite to utter.” She sighed and looked off to the side. “I'm without my regalia because it has been stolen.”
A chorus of gasps echoed back after her pronouncement.
“And,” she continued, “a young filly has been abducted as well. I believe you know her: Scootaloo Songwing.”
“They took Scoots!?” Rainbow stomped her hoof down, furious. Now it was personal. “Where are they, Princess? I'm going after 'em!”
Celestia nodded softly. “Yes, you all are. I've called you all here to request that you track down these thieves and kidnappers, and bring back what – and whom – they took. It won't be easy. They have fled very far away, but if the six of you work together, I'm certain you can do it.”
“You can count on us, Princess!” Rainbow shouted out, shooting up into the air.
“Is it those strange creatures from the sky who are responsible?” Twilight asked.
“The very same, Twilight Sparkle.”
“But they flew off, back into the sky... how can we possibly track them down?”
“My regalia emits a magical energy that can be traced. You will be able to find them.” A coy grin blossomed onto Celestia's face. “But to be able to follow them where they've gone, you'll need just a little help.” She began walking away, down a side passage splitting from her audience chamber. “Follow me, please.”
* * *
For the second time in one day, Rainbow Dash stepped out onto Canterlot Castle's largest balcony. It still showed the cracks from the earlier impact it had suffered. Just on the edge of it, the Princess stopped, prompting Rainbow and her friends to stop as well.
“What kinda help are we gonna find out here?” Applejack asked. “I don't see anypony.”
Celestia's knowing grin just grew a little wider. Rather than responding to Applejack's question, she stepped over to a set of decorative jewels set into the railing and began tapping them with her hoof in a strange pattern. Each one made a small chiming sound as her hoof struck its facets. After a dozen or so taps, the final gemstone emitted a pure, pleasing note rather than the small tinks of the others, and Celestia lowered her hoof back to the ground. She then just looked out towards the center of the balcony expectantly.
Following her lead, Rainbow looked out onto the balcony as well... just in time to hear a loud cracking sound. As soon as the sound died down, a fissure began opening in the balcony's floor, quickly widening with the sound of stone grinding against stone.
Before long the entire floor of the balcony had disappeared into the castle, forcing Rainbow and her friends to huddle against the railing to avoid falling into the enormous chasm now opening beneath them. As the sound of grinding stone died off, it was replaced by another sound, a quieter mechanical whirring. Slowly, something began to rise from below.
The first parts to become visible were two back-swept tail fins, pure white and each adorned with a blazing sun emblem matching Celestia's cutie mark. After those rose the body, long and sleek, with a few windows at the front and gleaming golden stripes running down each side. The body widened towards the rear, extending out to each side. The front of each extension on the side bristled with things Rainbow didn't recognize, but they all looked dangerous. The whole contraption, she could see now, rested on three struts extending down onto the platform rising from below. As the platform became level with the balcony floor, it stopped moving with a clank, and a ramp descended from the closer side of the shining white-and-gold monstrosity.
“What in tarnation is that?” Applejack blurted out. Everypony listened in intently, the same question – if worded rather differently – burning in their own curiosities.
“That, my little ponies,” the princess responded, pride obvious in her voice, “is my personal intergalactic starship, the Solar Flair.”
“Um, Princess?”
Celestia smiled down warmly. “Yes, Pinkie Pie?”
“What's an intergalactic starship?”
“A very good question, my little pony.” Rainbow automatically tuned out as soon as a lecturing tone crept into Celestia's voice. “A starship is a vehicle that can be used to travel to distant planets and stars. It has all the amenities of a sailing ship, and more. In particular–”
“Ooh! Can it be used for parties?” Pinkie's eyes grew wide as she awaited the answer.
“Well, yes, I suppose...”
“Yes! I'm going to start one right away!” Without another word, she became a pink blur and disappeared up the starship's ramp.
“So, this ship can travel to other stars?” Twilight asked. With her wings spread and her eyes bright, she looked nearly as eager as Pinkie had. “But wouldn't that take forever, given how distant they are?”
“Not at all, dear. You see, it's just a matter of reaching a high enough speed.” At the word 'speed', Rainbow's ears perked up and her attention was restored. “This ship is capable of achieving ninety-nine percent light speed – and that's before you engage the hyperdrive.” Rainbow's mouth gaped. She might not care much for science and stuff, but she did know about speed... and going that fast was beyond even her wildest dreams.
“Sweet! Let's take it for a spin!” Rainbow blurted out before she even realized it.
“Indeed, you should all get going as soon as possible, to minimize the thieves' head start.”
Twilight Sparkle snapped to attention at that. “We won't let you down, Princess.”
“I know you won't, my little ponies.”
“Time's a wastin'!” Applejack was already halfway to the ramp as she shouted back. “Let's get a move on!”
Rainbow needed no further encouragement. She shot off toward the ramp, her strong wings letting her beat Applejack inside – if only just barely.
* * *
“Come on, Rarity, we need to get to the bridge!” Twilight sighed in exasperation yet again.
“But did you see the gold inlay on that table? It was magnificent! And the–”
“Rarity! We're on a mission here!” Getting to the bridge was taking far longer than it should have, with Rarity obsessing about every detail of the ship's craftsmanship. “You can explore the ship during the flight, but right now, we need to get to bridge and take off.”
“Oh, very well.” Rarity pouted. “But I am ever so disappointed that the Princess herself couldn't come along.”
Twilight growled in frustration as she walked down the ship's central corridor. “You know she has to stay in Equestria and raise the sun.” Finally, the doorway to the bridge became visible. “If she doesn't, who's going to step in and do it for her?”
“Well, Princess Luna, perhaps?”
“Luna? Really?” Twilight favored her friend with a witheringly skeptical glare. “Do you remember what happened the last time Luna tried to raise the sun?”
“Well... No.”
Did anypony else read the history books, ever? “The last time Luna tried to do Celestia's job for her, she almost dropped the sun right onto Canterlot!”
“Oh, but that must have been thousands of years ago, Twilight, darling. Surely she's improved since then... And Celestia was able to bring out the moon and stars well enough during the banishment times.”
“Well enough?” Twilight covered her face with a hoof. She never expected ignorance like this from Rarity of all ponies. She had always thought of Rarity as the most educated of her friends. “Celestia trying to do Luna's job is the reason why we have things like ursa majors walking around on the ground rather than in the night sky where they belong.”
“Oh dear... I see.”
“Thank you.” Twilight shook her head. At least they had finally made it to the bridge. She tapped the big crystal in the middle of the door to open it as she had the others.
Inside, of course, her four friends were already waiting for her. “Finally!” Rainbow Dash cried out, “Can we go now?”
“Ah, sure,” Twilight replied, though, actually she was far from sure about all of this. She looked around from the pilot's seat. When she spotted it, she was less than enthusiastic to see Pinkie Pie filling it. “Do you even know how to fly this thing, Pinkie?”
“Nopey Dopey!” the pink mare said gleefully. She then grabbed a big red lever and pulled it all the way back, bringing a roaring sound from the rear of the ship.
“Pinkie!” was all Twilight could shout as she was pinned back against the bridge's door.
* * *
Celestia watched as her starship blasted its way into the sky for the first time in thousands of years. Should she have given the ponies more instruction on how to operate it? Perhaps... but the autopilot was very good, and she had programmed it for this mission herself. She was certain they would be fine.
So why did she have this nagging feeling that she had forgotten something?
Stars swam around in Rainbow's head as she picked herself up from against the bulkhead; she must have fallen against it when the ship blasted off. This wasn't going to be an easy crash to get over – and Rainbow knew her crashes. Her head felt like it was splitting in two. Woozy, she staggered to her feet. Was anypony else hurt? The first pony she saw was Twilight Sparkle. Seeing the dazed look on the alicorn's face worried Rainbow for a moment... until she saw the stars reflected in those purple eyes.
Quickly, she turned to look through the windows herself. Too quickly. She winced as the pain in her head redoubled. She could still see though, and what a view! Stars and faint, colorful clouds whizzed by, uncountable and beautiful beyond words. It was mesmerizing. She could just stare at that for–
“You okay there, sugarcube?” Applejack interrupted her daze. “Ya sure looked like ya took an awful knock to the head back there.”
“Ugh.” Rainbow winced and rubbed the bump on her head. “I'll... be fine.”
* * *
“Okay, ponies, this is your captain speaking. We're coming in for our final approach to a big blue round thingy, and the little glowy thingy in front of me says it's called 'Earth'. Weather conditions are currently...” Pinkie leaned forward to look out through the window. “Looking pretty nice. We know you have a choice of space lines, and on behalf of all of us at Pinkie Pie Spaceways, I want to thank you for making the only choice you had.”
“What was that all about?” Rainbow hovered in the air behind Pinkie. Everypony could see the planet up ahead.
Rainbow shook her head... and immediately regretted it. It still ached badly. “Well, we could have gotten here faster if we hadn't stopped at McPluto for the fourteenth time.”
“Well, we had to!” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “If we had only stopped thirteen times, that would have been really unlucky. Duh!”
Rainbow just shrugged it off and flitted over to the front window to see what was going on. She should have known better than to argue with Pinkie Pie, after all. The view outside, though, was almost as bizarre as a discussion with Pinkie. Looking outside didn't help to bring any sense of normalcy to the situation at all. Dozens of other ships whizzed by in every direction, and the nearby moon was actually eerie in its similarity to her own familiar one.
As the ship zipped through a layer of clouds, an unbelievable cityscape came into view. It was beyond anything Rainbow could ever have imagined. Lines of tiny little ships zoomed around, intertwining with the bluish tubes that wove all around and through the city's huge skyscrapers. As the ship continued to plummet, the buildings rose up around them on all sides. This place was enormous, far beyond the size of even the largest pony cities. How were they going to find Scootaloo in the middle of all this mess?
“We're approaching our target,” Twilight called out from her side of the bridge, where she had been watching a little glowing box intently.
As Rainbow looked back out through the window, she saw that they were slowing down. The ship came to a halt just above a relatively small red brick building next to a river.
“The tracker says the royal regalia is somewhere inside this building.” Twilight stopped staring at the box for a moment and turned towards Rainbow and the rest of her friends. “Is everypony ready?”
Applejack jumped up to the window, staring down at the building. “Well, we didn't come here just to look at the scenery.”
“A-J's right.” Rainbow could hardly wait. “But how do we get in there?”
“Maybe this button!” Before anypony could stop her, Pinkie smashed her hoof down on a big red crystal button on the console in front of her. Everypony winced as a whining, humming sound filled the ship, quickly growing in intensity.
* * *
Zoidberg sat across from his dear old friend, Hermes, at the Planet Express conference table. The Jamaican accountant was laying into him about office supply usage, but Zoidberg knew he was really just engaging in friendly banter.
“And furthermore, there will be absolutely no more eating of my industrial white-out refills!”
Zoidberg hastily wiped the last bit of delicious white liquid from his mouth tentacles. “What white-out? What gave you that idea?”
“Don't you play games with me, you overgrown crawdad. I've been watchin' the surveillance tapes, an'–”
Hermes' rant was cut off by a whining, humming sound that suddenly filled the entire room. Before either of them could react, a blinding light like sunlight, but much brighter, shot into the room from above. As the glare faded, Zoidberg noticed that most of the launch bay doors were now missing, replaced by a few wisps of quickly dissipating smoke.
Hermes, apparently, also noticed the missing doors. “That's comin' out of your pay!”
Zoidberg collapsed into tears. He didn't even notice the gleaming white and gold spaceship landing in the now-unprotected bay.
* * *
“Is it just me, or is the animation style here different?” Pinkie asked as the six ponies descended the Solar Flair's ramp.
“Pinkie, what in tarnation are you talkin' about now?” Applejack apparently couldn't make any more sense of that question than Rainbow could.
“The only thing that's animated around here is that corpse in the basement!” Rainbow's attention was – regrettably – drawn to the creature now standing in front of the ship. While the other creatures she had seen before were strange, this one was hideous. It was completely covered in wrinkles and moles, its eyes were blank slabs of glass, and as it stooped there in front of her, she could already begin to smell it. Rainbow felt Fluttershy bump into her back as the timid pony hid behind her. The bump didn't do her still-aching head any favors.
Rainbow shouted back at him. Her frustration needed a target. “Who are you, and what have you done with Scootaloo?”
“With whaa?” It craned forward in apparent confusion, hunching over even more.
“Three creatures like yourself came through here not long ago,” Twilight cut in, “they were in a big green starship, and they would have had a little orange and purple pony with them. Surely you'd remember that. Where were you when they came through?”
“Where am I now?”
Rainbow growled in frustration. She hadn't come all this way to play silly games. “Look, just tell us where they took Scootaloo, and nobody has to get hurt!”
“Oh, I wouldn't know anything about that, I'm just the Professor.” the creature replied flippantly. “Maybe you should talk with my record keeper, Hermes. He should be just up the stairs there, giving his weekly Zoidberg lecture.”
“Ugh. Fine.” Rainbow trotted up the steps, her friends following close behind.
What else would meet her at the top of the steps but more strangeness? Sitting at opposite sides of a big, round table were two more of these strange creatures. One was bigger and rounder than any she had seen so far, and the other was the strangest she had seen yet, with crab-like claws for hands and some kind of weird fingers on its mouth... but these two were more conventional in color at least, one a rich brown and the other red: good, normal pony colors.
Before Rainbow could do anything, Fluttershy shot off toward the red one. “Oh my goodness! I've never seen a lobster this big before, and I've never seen one so cute before either!”
“Ha ha!” the creature shouted in triumph. “Now Zoidberg is the popular one!”
Fluttershy gasped. “You can talk?” She spun a quick circle in midair. “I've always wanted to talk to a lobster!”
“Yeah, that's nice.” Rainbow shoved Fluttershy out of the way. “But don't forget why we're here.” She whirled around to face the big brown one. “Where did you things take my friend?”
“Whoa there, ya little alien colorbomb. I'm Hermes Conrad, bureaucrat, grade thirty-six, and just who the hell are you?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. She didn't have time for this. “I'm Rainbow Dash. Don't forget it!” She pointed to each of her friends in turn. “This is Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and the one making friends with the lobster over there is Fluttershy.”
“Okay,” Hermes said, “And who the hell is that?” He pointed toward the corner of the room where another of the creatures leaned against the wall. This one had a grey mustache and was holding a mop and bucket.
“I'm Scruffy. The janitor.”
Rainbow rubbed her aching head. This was all getting a little overwhelming.
Hermes turned back towards the table. “Now, I've got twenty-three minutes of Zoidberg lecture time left, so I'd appreciate it if–”
Suddenly, the red one, the one they called Zoidberg, sprung into action. He shot away from the ministrations of Fluttershy, and away from the table, to suddenly appear at Rainbow's side. “Oh no! It looks like you have injured your head organ! You should come back to my office to get that examined right away!” He hurried sideways down a hallway with claws held high, not even waiting for Rainbow to follow. “Sorry, friend, Hermes, no time to talk now. I have work to do!”
With a resigned sigh, Rainbow followed the strange creature. It would be nice, at least, if she could get her head feeling better. Maybe then, she could think straight.
* * *
“So, if you could just step into the cross-species identifiomatic, here, we can get started.” The lobster-like creature gestured towards a large circle next to the wall, as if Rainbow should stand on it.
“The what?” Twilight asked.
“You unlock this door right now, you worthless crawdad!” a voice called out from behind the door. “I'm not done with you yet!”
“That ring there?” Rainbow asked.
Zoidberg nodded, paying no attention to Twilight or the door.
“Well, um... okay.” Rainbow hesitantly stepped into the glowing circle. “But I'm not sure what–” Rainbow suddenly felt as if she was a cloud and a flock of birds just flew right through her. “Whaa... What was that?”
A little display on the wall next to her started clinking rapidly as pictures of lots of different aliens started spinning through the screen like a slot machine. Eventually, the motion slowed down, and three pictures of Celestia stopped along the center of the screen. As soon as the last one stopped moving, bells rang and lights flashed. Out of a little slot below the screen came a piece of paper with one word on it: Pony.
“Is that Princess Celestia in those pictures?” Twilight's wings popped open as it caught her interest. “Hm, she must be the only pony that whoever made this machine knew about...”
“Aha!” Zoidberg called out. “A pony! Just as I suspected. Now...” He looked closely at the picture on the screen, then back at Rainbow, evidently comparing the two. “...to find out what the trouble is.” He jumped up in excitement. “Aha! That's it! No wonder your head hurts. Your horn is missing!”
“Huh?” Rainbow didn't get it. Her horn? She didn't have a horn. What did he mean by that?
“You have no horn! Your horn is gone. Where it is, I can't say, but on your head it's not!” That only confused Rainbow more. “Don't worry though. A good friend of mine named Fry once had the same problem, so I made sure to stock up on horn-growing cream, why not.”
“Wait,” Rainbow said, “I think you're–”
She was too late. The lobster-like creature quickly whipped out a tube of some strange-smelling goo and squirted a bunch of it onto Rainbow's head.
For a moment, nothing happened, but then, suddenly, a strange feeling overcame Rainbow. Her scalp was itching... then stretching... and finally, growing. She rushed over to a mirror mounted on the wall, and there it was, staring her right in the face. Her horn. She was an alicorn now! Rainbow's jaw dropped.
“There, all fixed!” the lobster proclaimed.
Rainbow continued to stare at her reflection. She couldn't believe it.
“Uh, you okay, R-D?” Applejack moved in close behind her.
“Okay?” Rainbow finally broke loose from her stupor. “I'm better than okay! I'm, like, twice as cool now!”
Twilight just stood there, glaring at her.
Rainbow giggled. “What's the matter, Twi? Upset that you're not the only alicorn around anymore?
She continued to just stand and glare, prompting Rainbow to completely burst into laughter. “Oh my gosh! Twilight's jealous because I got a horn!” She chuckled again before edging over teasingly. “You know, I think mine's a little bit bigger...”
“Rainbow Dash, that's quite enough.” Rarity shot over a reproving look. “She just needs a moment to adjust, I'm sure. There's no call for teasing.” She brought a hoof up to her chin, and her stare grew appraising and speculative, rather than reproachful. “I wonder... does it work?”
“What? Of course it–” Rainbow stopped herself mid-outburst. Did it work? She focused her will, staring cross-eyed at the tip of her horn. Nothing happened. She tried harder, straining and groaning, but not even the smallest spark appeared. As the first few drops of sweat formed on her face, she stopped and gave it a rest. “Whoo... this stuff is harder than it looks... and... and I don't even know how.”
With that, Twilight's glare seemed to soften. “Well, I'll be glad to be your teacher, Rainbow. But for now, we need to focus on–”
With a crash, the door to the room slammed open. The Professor and Hermes creatures were on the other side, prompting Zoidberg to scuttle sideways out through the back door. As the two rushed through in pursuit, Rainbow could see that there was a third creature at the door. Its mane was black, and it was all dressed up in pink pajamas.
A gasp of, “Ohmygosh! Pink!” startled Rainbow, and a pink blur whizzed past her towards the door.
Rainbow knew this wasn't going to end well when the creature let out an answering call of “Ohmygosh! A pink pony!”
“Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!”
“Talking adorable ponies? This is the best thing ever!” The creature danced in place. “Oh, and I'm Amy Wong.”
As the two started babbling and dancing around each other, Rainbow rolled her eyes and covered her ears. This was the! Worst! Possible! Thing!
* * *
“No, you're awesome!”
“No, you're awesome!”
“No, you're the one who's awesome!”
Sadly, Rainbow's hooves couldn't entirely block out the torrent of babble coming from Pinkie and her new friend.
Just when Rainbow thought she couldn't take it for one more moment, the clinic's back door opened. Farnsworth and Hermes came through it, carrying a trussed-up Zoidberg between them.
“Help, my new friends! Untie me!”the lobster cried out.
“I am not your friend,” Rainbow replied.
The lobster's expression fell, and he let out a pathetic little “Aww.”
“But I am!” Fluttershy burst in, uncharacteristically forward. “Let me just–”
“Oh no you don't.” The Farnsworth creature blocked her path. “We put a lot of work into catching this damnable crustacean.”
“An' he's got twenty-three minutes and thirty-eight seconds of lecturing left to do!” Hermes added in.
“Oh,well, if I could just–”
Fluttershy's reply was cut off by a shout from Pinkie, her continuing tirade hitting an even higher crescendo. “You really think you can find some pink pajamas like those for me!?”
“This crawdad's got a lot of explainin' to do!” “And you say you live in a house made of candy!?” “Um... excuse me... if I could–” “Pony friends, if you can help me, I can–” “Really? They're pink too!?” “Make sure he lives, so there's some left for me.” “And the rails on the stairway are made of candy cane!”
Rainbow couldn't take it anymore. She looked over to Twilight pleadingly.
Twilight nodded in return. With a violet flash, everyone in the room was suddenly silenced, and they found themselves floating helplessly in a purple telekinetic aura.
The Farnsworth, though he seemed the oldest and slowest, was the first to overcome the sudden shock. “Eh, whaa? What's going on?”
“I'm holding everyone with my magic until we can settle down and get to the reason we came in the first place,” Twilight explained blithely.
“Oh pish-posh.” Farnsworth crossed his arms as he slowly rotated towards being upside-down. “There's no such thing as magic.”
Hermes, from his position floating alongside, was quick to disagree. “I wouldn't be so sure, Professor. My grandmother – God rest her zombie bones – warned me about this. We should take it very seriously.”
“Your grandmother warned you about colorful magic ponies?” Farnsworth's incredulity was plastered all over his face. “Do you really expect me to believe that this pony can–”
With another flash, Twilight teleported herself right in front of him. She didn't even flicker in her telekinetic hold over everyone – she was a talented alicorn, after all.
The sudden look of fear that crossed Farnsworth's face said it all: they wouldn't be hearing any more protests from him.
“Now,” Twilight continued, her voice cloyingly sweet, “about our missing royal regalia...”
* * *
“If he took it, he probably stashed it here before they left again,” Hermes explained as he approached Bender's locker. He pulled the master key from his pocket. “Lemme just get the master key out.”
“Wait...” Amy piped up from the rear of the group. “You have a key that opens everyone's lockers?”
“I find the best way to store certain items of questionable legality is to hide them in somebody else's locker.” He glanced back and forth shiftily. As soon as he opened Bender's locker, a huge golden collar, a big crown, and a few golden horseshoes came tumbling out. “Aha! And would that be this 'regalia' you ponies been looking for?”
“Yes. Yes it would,” the purple one said, levitating the items in a magical glow. It still gave Hermes the shivers.
“So you can be on your way then, right?” Hope shined on the Professor's wrinkled face.
“Not so fast,” the pony replied. “There's still the little matter of finding out where your people took our friend, Scootaloo.” She gave him a withering glare.
“How am I supposed to remember where I sent them?” He threw his hands up. “I can't even remember my own name most of the time! Have Hermes go dig the flight plan out of his office. I'm going to go enjoy my bath!” With that, he dottered off, slowly leaving everyone else behind.
“Well?” The purple pony was staring at Hermes now.
He sighed. After the chaos these things had brought into his life so far, the last thing he wanted was to have them in his meticulously organized office – especially with an inspection coming up next week... but it looked like he wasn't going to have any choice, not if he wanted to avoid being on the wrong side of that Twilight Sparkle's creepy magic again.
* * *
Twilight rolled her eyes. Again. “No, Rainbow, it takes more to make a pony a princess than just getting a horn implanted on your head by some weird alien lobster.”
The little blue pegasus – or alicorn, rather... Twilight supposed she had to concede that, if only by technicality – zipped up in front of her in the hallway, conveniently placing herself where it looked like she was wearing the royal regalia Twilight still levitated in front of her. “Hey, you got to be a princess because you got wings!”
“No, Rainbow Dash. The other way around. I got wings because I became a princess. Besides, can you even do magic? I'm not all that sure your horn is even real.”
“What!?” Rainbow jumped in front of Twilight, wings outspread and a scowl on her face. “Of course I can do magic!”
Twilight just gave Rainbow her best 'oh, really?' look before calmly stepping around her and continuing on down the hallway.
Rainbow, of course, kept pace right alongside, but her scowl of shocked indignation had been replaced by a look of intense concentration and effort. She grunted and groaned, and a look of truly monumental strain broke out on her face... but nothing happened, not even the slightest glow or spark. Rainbow finally gave up the effort with a tired pant. “It... that doesn't mean... anything. I can... I can still learn it!”
Twilight gave her a look that she usually reserved for Pinkie and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Rainbow.”
“Just 'cause I can't do magic doesn't mean I shouldn't be a princess.”
What a mess. Twilight could only hope that Princess Celestia would be able to fix this when they returned. “Can we please just drop it, Rainbow?” She pointed at the Hermes creature, who was opening a door. “Look, we're here. Let's just find out where Scootaloo is, and then we can worry about it, okay?”
Not waiting for Rainbow's reply, Twilight stepped through the now-open door, into Hermes' office. The precious royal regalia clattered to the floor as Twilight lost herself in a utopia of order and neatness she had never expected in this place. On the desk, perfectly aligned with the wall, she could spot a calendar, and inbox and an outbox, exactly three pens, a stack of papers, and finally a stapler – the office supplies perfectly aligned and in perfect alphabetical order. Across from the desk – perfectly across from it – a bookshelf was filled with binders of all different colors: black, blue, brown, orange... Twilight's daze faltered for a moment. Why weren't they in the proper chromatic order? Purple, red, yellow... Her euphoria returned full-force when she realized the colors were in alphabetical order! Of course! And to top it all off, a potted plant perfectly centered on the top shelf, with every branch trimmed to exactly the same length. Why, even the–
“Twi!”
“Huh?” Twilight asked, shocked out of her reverie.
“If'n you're done singin', Sugarcube, that Hermes feller has the file out already.”
Her world suddenly filled with awkward silence, all Twilight could muster was a meager, “I was singing?” Her face burning red, she used her magic to pick the regalia back up off the floor.
“Oookay...” Hermes apparently wasn't as accustomed as the ponies were to spontaneous bursts of song. “Anyway, here's the filed flight plan. They headed for Corneria, in the Lylat system to deliver some gold rings. Here's the coordinates.”
“Do you think these will be enough to get us there, Twilight?” Rarity asked.
“Well... I guess...” Twilight still hadn't quite gotten over her earlier episode of organizational bliss.
“Then come on, girls!” Rainbow called out, already flying through the door, “Let's get to it!”
* * *
Twilight caught a tuft of pink tail in her telekinetic grip before Pinkie could make it into the Solar Flair's pilot console again. “Hold it right there. How about this time, we give somepony else a turn at the controls?” She began trotting around the suspended – and miffed looking – mare, only to have Rainbow zip right past her into the pilot's seat.
“Rainbow!” Twilight protested, releasing her grip on Pinkie.
“Hey, I may not be able to use magic, but I do know flying! ... and you know what else I know?” She took hold of the big red lever on her right side. “Going fast!” She slammed the lever all the way down, and immediately, the ship shot forward and upward at a ludicrous speed. “Whoo!” Rainbow called out as they broke out through the rest of the atmosphere, “Now this is what I call flying!”
“Fry, just because you're wearing a chef's hat doesn't mean you're an expert chef!” Leela ground her palm into her face in frustration. This was the fourth hat Fry had tried since the voyage began. Somehow, he had gotten the idea that hats were the human equivalent to the 'cutie marks' that little Scootaloo kept going on about.
“And in case you've forgotten,” Bender added, “I'm the ship's cook, and there's only room for one chef in this kitchen.” The robot's eyes narrowed menacingly as he stared Fry down.
Though he was backing away with his hand held defensively up in front of him, Fry was still wearing the hat. “Hey, I'm just trying to find my special talent, and–”
A voice blasting in over the comm system drowned out Fry's reply. “Stop right there! Give Scootaloo back to us, or be prepared to face the consequences!”
* * *
Kiff winced as he saw his captain. Usually he tried to avoid Zapp Brannigan's bubble baths, but unfortunately, this time it couldn't be helped. Thankfully, due to the bubbles, he could only see the top half of the captain's back, though that was bad enough. “Sir, do you really need to do that on the bridge?”
“Of course! You never know when an emergency could arise.” Brannigan slammed his fist down into the bubbly water, causing a rubber duck to splash out from the tub. “So I have to be ready at all times!”
With a truly heroic effort, Kiff managed to avoid rolling his eyes. “Well, that's good, Sir, because we have a distress call coming in from an Earthican ship that claims to be under attack by aliens.” Kiff turned around, not wanting to see any more bath-time activities than he absolutely had to. “They're only half a sector away. Should we change course to intercept?”
“And interrupt my bubble bath? Who do they think we are, the Earthican Defense Force or something?”
“We are the Earthican Defense Force, sir.” Kiff heard a splash from behind him. Evidently, that revelation was enough to shock Brannigan into dropping something, but no reply was forthcoming. It looked like Kiff would have to play his trump card. He knew this would get a response. “And the distress call was sent out by a Captain Leela of the Planet Express Ship.”
An enormous splash caused Kiff to reflexively turn and look to see what happened. He immediately regretted it. Brannigan had suddenly stood up in the tub. “Leela!? Full speed ahead! Open a channel to both ships!”
Kiff grimaced at the sight in front of him. Still, at least the captain's back was turned to him. “A voice only call, I presume?”
Brannigan whirled around, causing Kiff to desperately cover his eyes... unfortunately, not before he had seen far more than he wanted to see. “Excellent Idea, Kiff. I'm glad I thought of it. Open up a voice channel at once!”
* * *
“Have no fear, Captain Leela!” As soon as that voice came in over the comm system, Leela knew the situation was about to get much, much worse. “I, Captain Zapp Brannigan, am hear to save you!” Instead of cutting off as she expected, the transmission continued. At least it was voice-only, so she wouldn't have to look at him. “Kiff, open fire on the alien ship! ... And open up a channel to them for my victory yodel... And prep my chambers for romantic encounter... What's that? Oh! And cease transmission!”
Leela looked up at the scope. The Nimbus was already approaching, weapons at the ready. As much trouble as these ponies were causing her, she didn't want to see Brannigan zap them out of the sky. She punched the transmit button, re-opening the channel to Zapp. “Brannigan, don't! Don't shoot.”
The plaintive reply came quickly. “Why not?” Something in the tone of voice told Leela that not shooting hadn't entered into his mind at all as an option.
“They're cute and innocent!”
“Innocent, my shiny metal–”
“Shut up, Bender! – And I don't want to see them blasted, okay?”
After a short pause, Brannigan's voice again came in over the comm. “They're cute, huh? Kiff, open a channel to the aliens... Hmm... The seductive Captain Turanga Leela versus a ship full of cute alien girls... this promises to be a highly arousing conundrum... What? Cease transmission already! Why do I have to keep telling you people this?”
Leela shook her head. She hadn't meant they were that kind of 'cute'. Oh, this wouldn't end well.
* * *
“I, uh, really don't know what you're talking about.” Rainbow didn't find this 'Captain Leela' on the other end of the communication channel very convincing, to say the least.
“We know you took her,” Twilight answered.
Rainbow wasn't about to leave it at that though. She butted in, shoving Twilight out of the way. “Is Scootaloo okay? What have you done to her? Show her to us!”
“Well, ah–”
Leela's voice from the other side was cut off by a much more familiar one. “Was that Rainbow Dash? I heard Rainbow Dash!” The excitement in Scootaloo's voice was overwhelming. “Oh! Oh! Let me on!”
“Squirt!” Just hearing the little filly's voice alleviated a lot of Rainbow's concerns. “Are you okay? What have they done with you?”
“They took me out for ice cream!” The filly did sound excited about that.
She wasn't the only one excited about it, apparently. Rainbow found herself shoved away from the radio as Pinkie Pie butted in. “Oh! Ooh! You went for ice cream? What flavor? Did it have sprinkles? What about–”
“Pinkie.” Twilight's magic was already dragging the pink pony away.
Rather than a response about the ice cream, the sound of a short scuffle came over the radio, quickly replaced by the brash voice of the robot. “We don't have any pony here. Who said anything about a pony? We've never even met you people. Who are you? Beat it and leave us alone!”
“Bender.” Leela's voice came over the speaker again, laced with disapproval. “They already know about–”
“Don't tell them!” The robot's voice came on again. “No wonder you people don't commit crimes more often... you stink at it!”
“Look,” Rainbow said, back at the microphone again, “can we just–”
“This is Captain Zapp Brannigan of the... uh...” The new, interrupting voice paused for a moment before continuing, “Earthican Defense Force. Right. Identify yourselves immediately, or be destroyed!”
“Huh?” Rainbow looked around in confusion. “Who was that?” Her gaze found its way over to Fluttershy, who had been assigned as their sensor operator.
“Oh... um... I kind of noticed that ship coming in a while back. It's really big and the screen calls it the 'Nimbus'... but you all seemed pretty busy... and, well, I didn't want to interrupt...”
Twilight took Rainbow's moment of distraction to her advantage and once again claimed her place at the comm system. “This is the Royal Equestrian Ship, Solar Flair. We're here to rescue a kidnapped pony.”
* * *
“Hm...” Zapp Brannigan stroked his chin thoughtfully.
“Sir, Shall I–”
“Yes, they sound very seductive... erotic even.”
Kiff suppressed a shudder. “Sir, they aren't even–”
“You there, with the face!” Brannigan pointed at the crewmember at the tractor beam controls.
“Yes, Sir?”
“No, not you. The one with the other face!”
“Sir?” The one he had pointed to spoke up.
“Right. Pull in the alien ship for questioning.”
“Sir,” Kiff knew it would be pointless, but he had to try. “I'm not certain we have legal justification to detain–”
“Kiff!”
Well, Kiff hadn't expected to finish his objection before being interrupted anyway. “Sir?”
“Drain my bath water and prepare my interrogating uniform.”
Kiff sighed heavily. “The long skirted or short skirted interrogation uniform?”
“Short,” Brannigan said as he rose up out of the bubble bath again. He stretched luxuriantly before stepping out and wrapping a towel around himself. This time, Kiff did shudder.
* * *
“Okay, Kiff, we're about to meet our very sexful opponents for the first time. Watch how it's done, and prepare to be amazed... Oh, and clear my schedule for the rest of the day.”
With a sigh, Kiff shook the etch-a-sketch that held his captain's schedule. This would be the fourth time today the schedule had been wiped clean.
“Release docking bay lockdown!” Brannigan shouted out to the bay in general. Apparently, someone in the bay heard and obeyed the order, since all the red lights in the bay suddenly turned green.
As soon as the lights changed, the alien ship's ramp began to open. Before it even reached the landing bay's floor, six aliens jumped out of it. They were quadrupedal, very colorful, and they didn't look happy about being in the Nimbus' landing bay.
The most colorful one, with a full rainbow in her hair, was the first to speak up. “Who's in charge here? Let us out right now!”
“Whaa? What are these things?” Brannigan asked. “Where are the cute girls I spoke to earlier?”
The aliens all looked at each other in confusion. The purple one was the first to reply. “I'm Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends. We are the ponies you were talking to earlier.”
Brannigan just stared at the ponies in front of him... a little too intently. “Kiff,” he said finally, “I'm disappointed, but also strangely aroused.” Another pause followed. He was apparently deep in contemplation. “Have these ponies taken to the brig. I have some thinking to do.”
Well, at least it was a less demeaning task than he was usually assigned to. “Follow me, please,” he said to the colorful aliens in front of him.
“Hey, we're not going anywhere until we get Scootaloo back!” The rainbow-haired one jumped up in front of him, her horn lowered and her wings spread menacingly.
Kiff wasn't without protection though. Suddenly, the dozens of troopers all around the landing bay snapped to attention, leveling their rayguns at the six ponies.
Even the brash blue one who had been threatening Kiff seemed to be subdued by the display.
“Okay, can you please follow me now?” He really didn't want to see yet another of Brannigan's massacres today.
“Well...” The pony looked down the dozens of gun barrels pointed at her. “I guess we can do what you say. For now.”
* * *
Rainbow couldn't stand waiting any longer. She growled in frustration. “We have to get out of here, Twilight! They're getting away with Scootaloo!”
“For the last time, Rainbow, I know.” Twilight resumed her look of concentration, only to break out of it again with a grunt after a few ugly sparks flew from her horn. “But something about that energy field blocking the doorway is interfering with my magic.” Her face scrunched up in concentration again. “If I could just... get the right...” She grunted. “Frequency...” Again, her spell shattered into a little shower of sparks. “Ugh, it's hopeless! There's no way I can–”
“Excuse me.”
All six ponies turned to the glowing yellow door of their cramped prison. Standing there was the little green creature they had met in the landing bay. What had the other one called it? Kiff?
“The captain has requested to meet the one of you called 'Twilight Sparkle' in his quarters.” The little green thing sighed with apparent resignation. “And he requested that you wear this.” He held up a set of four long purple-striped socks.
The ponies all stared at him for a moment, dumbfounded. “Really?” Twilight asked.
The Kiff creature sighed again. “Yes. Really.” He reached up and pressed a button next to the doorway, and the glowing field blocking it promptly disappeared.
A malicious gleam came to Twilight's eyes. “Oh, we'll go meet him in his quarters, all right.” The alicorn's horn began to glow a bright violet. “No problem at all.”
With a purple flash, Rainbow found herself and her friends to no longer be in the brig. Now they had been teleported somewhere more spacious... somewhere decked out in red and pink, with an enormous heart-shaped bed in the center. On the bed, Rainbow spotted a very surprised-looking Zapp Brannigan.
“The game's up, Brannigan!” Twilight growled. “Surrender, or face the consequences!” Her horn began to glow again, this time pointed directly at the pudgy captain, who just squeaked in terror and clutched his velour robe tighter around himself.
* * *
Kiff turned to the bridge's door as he heard it open, and he could only sigh when he saw who was coming. It was Brannigan, of course, still dressed in his 'seduction uniform', but tied up tightly and laying across a pink pony's back. The ponies, all six of them, just barged in like they owned the place, which – knowing Zapp's competence – they probably did by now.
“Okay, everyone, listen up!” The blue-furred one walked over and pointed a hoof at Brannigan. “You all do what we say, or the captain here gets it!”
“Gets what?” Kiff asked. It was an honest question, but he didn't really mind the thought of various terrible things befalling his captain.
The blue pony seemed to be at a loss, but the pink one jumped up to the front of the group – dropping Brannigan roughly to the deck in the process – and gave the bridge's crew a surprisingly menacing glare. “It.”
“Just do what she says!” Brannigan called out from the floor. “If I have to hear the word kumquat one more time, I'll... I'll...” He didn't finish, and instead just curled up into a quivering ball of fear right there on the deck. “No... more,” he whispered, “no more.”
As much as Kiff might prefer to see his captain get 'it', he had just been given a direct order. “Alright, men. You heard the captain. Do as they say.”
* * *
Rainbow smiled at Twilight, who nodded in return. Their plan had worked flawlessly. Rainbow had always known that some occasions called for bringing out the big guns. Nobody could withstand a full-on Pinkie tirade for long.
Now, to get Scootaloo back. “You there, crewmember guy!”
“Yes?” One of the men at the consoles lining the wall stood up.
“No, not you. The other guy.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.” Rainbow had been around ships like this long enough to recognize a sensor console when she saw one. “Is the Planet Express Ship still close?”
He took a moment to stare at the screen in front of him... and pushed a few buttons... and stared at it some more.
“Today please!” Rainbow's patience was wearing thin. She could hardly hold still. After coming so far to find that little Scootaloo, it was unbearable to be so close, but be wasting time.
“Ah, yes. They're still only half a sector away.”
“Good.” Rainbow's eyes gleamed. “Set a course and catch them.” She glanced around the bridge. “Uh, and...” She still couldn't see anything she recognized as what she was looking for. All these buttons and flashing lights were still pretty foreign to her. “Um.... Tractor beam guy!”
“Yes ma'am!” The reply came from behind Rainbow, startling her for a moment.
“Warm up the tractor beams and get ready to pull in that Planet Express Ship!” Rainbow rubbed her hooves together in anticipation. The stars in the front window were moving again, and now she knew it would be only a matter of time until they would finally get what they came all this way for.
* * *
Leela cringed when she saw the identifier code of the ship bearing down on them. The Nimbus. Wasn't one encounter with Brannigan enough for one day? Why did he have to keep chasing after her? She held her finger over the comm system's 'ignore' button and braced herself for the worst.
The whole ship suddenly jolted to the side. As her face became painfully better acquainted with the deck, Leela ruefully thought she should have braced herself physically, not emotionally. “What happened?” she asked as she picked herself up.
“The Nimbus caught us in a tractor beam!” Bender suddenly pointed his stubby finger at Leela. “This is all your fault!”
Leela looked over at the little orange pony now standing next to her on the floor... Maybe Bender was right. That was a disturbing thought!
* * *
Kiff watched with studied indifference as the Planet Express Ship was drawn into the primary docking bay. When one served under Zapp Brannigan, one became accustomed to the absurd.
With a resounding clang, the ship came to a rest on the deck, right next to the one the ponies had been flying. For a long, empty moment, nothing happened. Everyone, Kiff included, watched the Planet Express Ship's door expectantly. Nothing happened some more. Apparently, the Planet Express crew had enough good sense to stay safe inside their ship.
As Kiff watched, the ponies all looked at one another, seemingly at a loss. The blond-maned one, who was now the one carrying Brannigan, shrugged, causing the captain to fall to the floor once more.
After a moment, though, one of the ponies – the white one with a purple mane – made a move. She trotted over to the captured ship's ramp and in a surprisingly good falsetto voice called out, “Oh hello, there! I was wondering if anyone on board could help me.” She adopted a pleading tone. “You see, I'm having ever such a hard time carrying all these gemstones.” She pawed at the deck, a look of downtrodden regret on her face. “So, could you ever be so kind as to come out and give me just a little help with them, pretty please?”
Kiff shook his head. That scam was ridiculous. There was no way they could possibly be stupid enough to–
With a hiss and a clang, the Planet Express Ship's door slammed open. “Ooh! Ooh! I'll help!” Kiff's hand seemed to slap onto his forehead on its own accord as he saw Bender running down the ramp.
“Bender, you moron, come back!” Leela shouted down from the door, her arms reaching out in an effort to catch the wayward kleptomaniac.
Her efforts to recapture Bender were too late though. The rainbow-haired pony was already on the move. She rocketed up the ramp past him, and bowled over Leela at the top as she shot in through the door. In what seemed like only ten seconds, the pony shot back through the door – once again bowling over the unfortunate Leela, who had only just managed to get up. As she soared up into the spacious landing bay, though, everyone could see the smaller orange pony she was proudly holding up.
* * *
Leela kept a watchful eye on the ponies as they made their way to the brig. She had no intention of making another visit to the prison quarters of the Nimbus, especially not in the company of Zapp Brannigan, even if he was still tied up. Still, though she would love to see him languish forever as a prisoner to the ponies, she would need him in order to take back control of the Nimbus so that the Planet Express Ship could be released from the docking–
She saw it! Just the opportunity she had been waiting for: a big grated ventilation shaft coming up on the left wall. She eyed the ponies around her. Good. They didn't seem to be paying much attention to her. She slowly edged into position... and then struck. A quick, sweeping kick to the blond maned pony's legs sent the pony tumbling to the ground and sent the tied-up Brannigan tumbling into Leela's arms. A quick grab caught Bender and Fry's arms, and together they all hurtled towards the ventilation grate.
Before the ponies could react at all, Leela and her crew, Brannigan in tow, crashed through the fragile grating. Her escape attempt had been a smashing success! She soon noticed a slight flaw in the plan though, when she began falling down the vertical shaft. All four of them screamed as they plummeted down into the dusty darkness.
* * *
“Well, I'll be... That's an awful long way to fall.” Applejack craned her neck, staring down the empty ventilation shaft. “Y'all reckon they're okay?”
Rainbow Dash fluttered through the broken grating above Applejack. The grate was as tall as the hallway, and nearly as wide: easy to fly though. She stared down into the shaft as she hovered inside it. She could see only darkness below her. “I don't know. There's no sign of 'em.”
“If they are alive down there, we need to get out.” Twilight poked her head into the shaft next to Applejack's. “They'll take back control of the ship and capture us again.”
Rainbow swooped back down out of the shaft and into the hallway. “Then what are we waiting for?” She scooped up Scootaloo. “We got what we came for. Let's get out of here!”
Without waiting for the others, she set off flying down the hallway, still carrying Scootaloo.
“Dashie!” Rainbow spun around to see her friends all heading the other direction, and Pinkie waving back at her. “The ship is this way!”
With a slight blush, Rainbow spun around in midair and caught up with her friends. This big ship was confusing after all. No shame in getting a little turned around.
* * *
The unusual moment of peaceful silence on the bridge shattered as the sound of several screams grew louder in the air vent. Kiff sighed. At least the peace and quiet had been nice while it lasted. With a crash, the still-tied Brannigan and the crew of the Planet Express Ship burst through the bridge's air vent and landed in a heap on the deck.
Brannigan seemed to be the first to recover. “Ah. The bridge. Perfect.” He rose to a sitting position – or as near as he could get to one, bound as he was – and balanced himself on top of the pile of bodies. “Kiff, untie me at once. We have some ponies to capture!”
As much as Kiff may have preferred to leave him tied, he had just been given a direct order.
* * *
“Well, it looks like Brannigan's back in charge.”
Leela rolled her eye. Fry did have a talent for stating the obvious.
“We've got to get out of here!” Bender shouted, right in her ear.
She squirmed her way out of the pile of crew members on the deck. “And why's that?”
“Do you remember what happened the other times that guy was in charge?” Bender looked at her as if she had just shoved ice cream up her nose.
It only took a moment of reflection for Leela to understand the gravity of their situation. “Quick! To the ship!”
* * *
An innocuous-sounding beep drew Kiff's attention to one of the instrument panels next to him. “Sir, it appears that the pony ship has left the landing bay.”
“Has it now?” Brannigan sank down into his captain's chair and steepled his fingers. “So, a game of cat and mouse it is.”
Another identical beep rang from the panel. “And the Planet Express Ship has left as well.”
Brannigan stood up and pointed at one of the crew members lining the walls. “You there, Tractor beam guy.”
“I'm weapons control. He's on the tractor beam controls.”
Brannigan moved his finger to point at a crew member on the other side of the room. “Of course. I knew that. That's why I'm pointing at him.”
“Sir?” the crew member said, rising to attention.
“Step aside. This is going to require a captain's touch.”
Kiff rolled his eyes as Brannigan took the crew member's place at the tractor beam controls. This wouldn't end well.
“The key to controlling a tractor beam with real talent, Kiff,” Brannigan said as he settled into the control console, “is to remember that it's just like making love.”
“Oh dear,” was all Kiff could say.
“That's why I, naturally, am a complete expert.” He began pressing buttons and turning dials, apparently at random. With a flourish, he finished by pounding the big, red 'activate' button at the top.
“Sir, I think you may have–”
“Kiff, I don't recall asking for your input.”
“But sir, you've got the wrong–”
“That's enough of that!” Brannigan slammed his fist down on the next console over, jettisoning all the ship's food supplies. “I'm the expert here, Kiff. You just sit back and watch the master at work.”
Kiff just sighed once more and watched as the captain reeled in the Planet Express Ship with the tractor beam.
* * *
Rainbow held Scootaloo close as the Solar Flair rocketed ever further away from the big cruiser behind them. “Are we clear yet? Did we make it?”
Twilight looked up from her pilot's controls. After the previous few performances, she had insisted on flying the ship herself this time. “I think we're going to make it.” She stared at the monitor above her a bit more. “That Planet Express Ship took off after us for a little while, but now they're flying back to the Nimbus... backwards for some reason.”
* * *
“Now, Kiff, to enjoy the glory of my victory!” The Captain strode confidently toward the door to the docking bay. “Those ponies won't even know what hit them.”
Kiff just shook his head and followed Brannigan through the sliding door. Immediately on the other side, Captain Leela of the Planet Express Ship stood with her arms crossed in front of her chest, her foot tapping impatiently, and a look of sheer loathing in her one big eye.
“Well, well, well... This is quite the erotic surprise,” Brannigan blurted out.
Kiff rolled his eyes again. Had this been his captain's plan all along?
* * *
As the Solar Flair's boarding ramp lowered back onto its home on Canterlot Castle's landing pad, Rainbow Dash flew out through the exit, proudly holding the rescued Scootaloo out in front of her. The filly didn't seem to mind all the attention from her idol.
Rainbow's friends weren't far behind, stepping out off of the ramp just behind her. Celestia's royal regalia floated in Twilight's magical grip just in front of the group.
Rainbow had been hoping for a hero's welcome, but it looked like they would have nothing of the sort, not this time, anyway. The only pony there to meet them at the landing pad was Celestia herself.
The Princess still looked strange in the nude. Even if she still couldn't possibly be mistaken for an ordinary pony, she looked somehow more approachable, even though Rainbow wasn't used to seeing her that way. “I see your mission was a success,” the Princess said with a smile.
The magical glow surrounding her regalia changed from Twilight's violet to Celestia's own bright yellow, and the jewelry quickly floated back to its rightful owner, fitting itself into place effortlessly.
“I'm so proud of you, my little ponies. You never cease to amaze me.” It wasn't exactly the cheering crowds Rainbow had been hoping for, but Celestia's warm smile of approval was almost as satisfying. The Princess' smile faded though, and her eyes widened as she seemed to notice something strange. “Rainbow Dash, what... what happened to you?”
Rainbow had almost forgotten about her new horn, and she hadn't even thought yet of the reaction she'd get when she came back home with it. “Oh, this?” She poked at it with her free hoof. “Say hello to the very first alicorn Wonderbolt in the history of Equestria!”
Finally getting to see the ruler of all Equestria struck speechless was its own reward.
The End
Hedonism Bot plodded down the ramp of the shining white and gold ship, wondering where he was. The last thing he remembered was enjoying a charming full-body chocolate massage while struggling to win a non-drinking contest with one of Zapp Brannigan's killbots. The next thing he knew, he was waking up in an unfamiliar cargo hold with a horrible hangover and no idea how he had gotten there.
The first thing he saw after making it to the bottom of the ramp was a huge gleaming castle right in front of him. Well, that was a good start. Nearby, he noticed a few colorful aliens peeking out at him from inside an arched doorway. They looked delightful! He started toward the castle, contemplating the many sumptuous ways these little pony-like aliens might be enjoyed...
