James Rolfe (AKA The Angry Video Game Nerd) is spirited away to the world of Equestria, where the mane six will assist him in reviewing the sh*ttiest games ever conceived by mankind.
The Angry Video Game Nerd is abducted from the human world to review the shittiest games ever conceived by mankind. Will the combined efforts of Luna, Celestia, and the mane six succeed in teaching The Nerd a valuable lesson in love and tolerance, or will it be The Nerd who teaches them a lesson in rage and frustration?
The whites of James's eyes boiled a bright hue of red as he attempted to play Metroid: other M on his Nintendo Wii. He could feel the shitty game assaulting him with it's putrid fucking shittyness as he attempted to make sense of its constant plot holes, irrelevant characters, contradictions to the other games in the franchise, and overall horrible controls.
"Why couldn't they have just made this shit more like the Prime series!" he demanded, his fury growing to the point of being inconsolable. "Or better yet, Super Metroid! You start the game, you lose your shit, you spend the majority of the game getting all your equipment back as you fight through hordes of aliens and space pirates. That's all this game had to fucking be! You didn't need some asshole telling you how high you're allowed to jump, and when you're allowed to take a fucking shit! Samus has always been a badass, but this game has made her out to be a sniveling little crybaby! What a shit load of fuck!"
The surface of James's glasses turned opaque with fog as a pulsing vein protruded from his forehead, his grip on the Wiimote becoming so tight that his knuckles turned white. "And what the fuck is up with these goddamn controls!" he roared. "If you're going to make a goddamn three dimensional action game, make it so I can utilize the mother fucking, goddamn, sons of bitching control stick so I can move in more than just eight fucking directions!"
He was barely ten minutes into the game when he found a way to make it a bit more interesting: Take a shot of vodka every time the game pissed him off...
Within thirty seconds he was down for the count. He got up from his couch, threw the Wiimote out the window, stumbled around for a bit, then he realized that he needed to vomit. He aimed his torrent of projectile stomach contents toward the Wii to let that shitty game feel the full force of his fury, but in his inebriated state, he tripped and misfired, covering his poor cat in the foul-smelling, half-digested combination of beer, vodka, and anything else his diet may have consisted of that day. The last thing he saw before he passed out was his vomit covered cat retreating from the room in disgust as he slurred one final curse.
"Thish game is assbutter!"
James opened his eyes, and was assaulted by the new environment in which he now found himself. The dim and dreary surroundings of his game room was replaced by a strange world full of fluorescent and flamboyant colors that only served to exacerbate his pounding headache.
"He's waking up!" came a female voice.
James, hungover, and still feeling woozy from the copious amounts of liquor he had consumed, was unable to process coherent thought. His only response to the voice was, "huh... whu?"
The voices seemed to carry on with their conversation as the drunken nerd lay there. Wherever 'there' was.
"He definitely seems to be a intoxicated," another voice commented.
"I know a hyper dialysis spell that could detoxify him."
James squinted his eyes in the direction of the lavender blur that had just spoken. "Did you just say 'a spell?'"
The purple blur turned its head, seemingly to look at him, but he couldn't be sure.
"Yes," she said matter-of-factly. "A spell."
"Oh, god!" He slurred. "Was I kidnapped by a group of rogue D&D nerds?"
The purple blob closed the distance between them. The closer she got, the more the drunken nerd could make of her. His eyes and mouth gaped wider and wider as she drew closer. "What. The. Actual. Fuck?"
He blanched with disbelief as what revealed herself to be a purple winged unicorn placed her hoof gently on his chest. "Try to relax, Mr Nerd. This will be easier for both of us if you don't struggle," The lavender mare soothed in a calming voice as an orb of pearlescent light flickered at the tip of her horn.
"I need an adult?" James slurred, his mouth and eyes gaping in disbelief.
"I am an adult," she responded before blasting him with a beam of healing light.
The human felt his headache lessen in severity, his vision cleared, and he could feel his acuity returning to him. When the light around him finally dimmed, he found himself standing before eight colorful mares. He looked around the strangely decorated room, or, was it some sort of hall? It was massive, whatever it was. The walls were stone and covered in banners. Colorful beams of sunlight filtered through a stain glass window high overhead, and there appeared to be what looked like a throne sitting atop a dais at the far center wall. The vibrant colors that surrounded him made it almost seem as if he was in a completely different dimension. "This is some crazy, fucked up Roger Rabbit shit!" he exclaimed as he looked around with a scowl that twisted his mouth in the perfect shape of an upside down U. "Where the fuck am I, and where the fuck do I go to get the fuck out of here?"
The tallest mare among the group, a white alicorn who's mane flowed like an iridescent fabric of glittering light stepped forth and inclined her head graciously toward the irate human. "You are the first human to traverse the fabric of space time into our realm," she declared with a mellifluous trill in her tone. "I am princess Celestia."
"No shit!" James roared. "I know a fucking princess when I see one. I have a lot of experience rescuing them, and getting nothing in return for my efforts!"
"Hey!" A cerulean mare with a rainbow mane took flight so that her face would be only an inch away from the human's9. "Nopony talks to the princess like that!"
"Oh, yeah?" said the nerd. "Well, I'm not a fucking pony, in case you haven't noticed. So go fuck yourself!"
"No, you go fuck yourself!" The blue mare quipped.
"Oh, good comeback!" mocked the nerd. "Why don't you go fuck off? Why don't you go run backwards as fast as you can through a field of dicks, and fuck off while you're doing it!"
"I've never seen anything like it," Twilight Sparkle said to the princess. "His rage is contagious. It could very well consume all of Equestria if left unchecked."
"So it could," Celestia replied.
James stood there, his palm flat against his chest as he took deep breaths. "I'm sorry, okay? I just... I just got done playing one of the shittiest games of all time, and now, I get sucked into this strange cartoon world that takes me back to all the time I wasted as a child playing who the fuck framed Roger Rabbit, and I just snapped."
"I understand," Celestia said with a warm smile. "And it is those, how do you say, 'shitty games', that seem to be the source of all this hate and anger you feel, is that correct?"
James nodded suspiciously, not liking where the conversation was going.
"Well, that is the reason we brought you here - to our home - to Equestria."
The nerd looked at her with a perplexed expression about him. "Don't tell me you brought me all the way here just so I could play your shitty games, too!" he said, his panic causing his gorge to rise.
"No, of course not," Celestia replied with an amiable giggle.
James let out a sigh of relief.
"We brought you here to play your shitty games for us, so that we may help you to conquer your rage once and for all."
"That doesn't even make sense!" James complained.
"Like facing your fears in order to overcome them, we took you from your world so that we may help you to face your anger," Princess Celestia said in a reassuring tone.
"Can't you just have me beheaded, or something?" The nerd pleaded.
"Look at them, human" The regal alicorn gestured toward the the six mares that were now surrounding him. "These mares that encompass you are very special, for they are the elements of harmony. I believe, Mr Nerd, if that is what you would have me call you, that by demonstrating these shitty games to them, they can guide you through your rage, and lead you to the path that leads to your own personal harmony. I am hoping that they will all learn something from you, as well."
The nerd looked at Princess Celestia, smiling as a sudden sense of purpose welled within him. He looked toward the six mares she was referring to. He nodded slowly in their direction with a maniacal smirk stretching across his face. It was a creepy smile, to say the least. A terrifying smile. It was a great, grinchy, rape face of a nightmare fuel smile. "You guys want me to teach you something?" he said, leering.
The mares cheered excitedly in unison, completely oblivious to the ungodly torments the Angry Video Game Nerd could subject them to.
"Which one of you will be the first to delve deep within the depths of the horrible cunt fuckery my realm has conceived?"
The six gathered around for a moment, whispering to each other inaudibly. "Well?" The Nerd said impatiently.
The six mares separated and formed a line in front of him. The lavender mare spoke to him again. "We have decided that we will let you pick." She said while looking back at her friends. They all nodded at her to convey their consent to the plan.
"What are the elements of harmony, and which ones do you represent?" The nerd demanded "This is how I will decide which one of you I'll Tortu— I meant teach," James asked them, stumbling over his words.
Twilight sparkle had them all introduce themselves and explain to him what their elements were, how they came across their titles, and what they represented.
James stroked his chin, nodding thoughtfully.
"Right, then." He jabbed his finger in the direction of the yellow mare with the pink mane. "You represent the element of kindness, is that right?"
Fluttershy backed away, ducking her head. "Oh, my." She trembled. "Y-yes... Th-that's right..."
"I have a thing or two to teach you about kindness. Bring your butterfly tattooed ass over here!"
Fluttershy looked to Twilight sparkle, dismayed. "W-why do I have to go first?"
"Because," Twilight responded. "He picked you first. It's probably better this way. you can go first and get it over with."
"B-but why can't Pinkie Pie go first?" Fluttershy pleaded "She's the element of laughter. Isn't that, like, the opposite of rage?"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie agreed. "I'll go first!" She hopped up and down energetically as the prospect of making the angriest sentient being in the universe smile and laugh excited her; she was ready for the challenge, and aching for the opportunity, but, sadly, they agreed that the nerd would be the one to pick the order, and the nerd had picked Fluttershy first.
Fluttershy took a deep breath and collected herself. "No, Pinkie Pie, I will go."
"Ahh!" Pinkie Pie whined and scraped the ground with a hoof.
"Don't worry!" said the nerd. "There will be plenty of shittyness to go around for all of you, that I can guarantee!"
Upon hearing this, the Pink mares' lips stretched into a jubilant smile.
James cringed, his fists balled up tightly to his chest in the way a vampire would do with a cross. "So..happy!" he hissed under his breath, feeling as if he was about to burst into flames. That was when he decided to make a mental note. That pink one is going to be trouble.
"Well, then, Mr Ner?" James felt a tug on his pant leg. He looked down and saw Fluttershy looking up at him with a determined expression. "Let's go play some shitty games!" Trying her best to be brave, she returned a confident smile to her friends. "I am not afraid!"
"Oh!" James said, his voice deep with an exaggerated throaty rasp. "You will be... You will be!"
James glared, his foot tapping impatiently against the stone floor as he waited for the portal to open beneath him and Fluttershy. "Does this always take this long?" he finally said.
Luna poured her magical energies in the creation of the portal between dimensions, grimacing with the effort. "Your world is not only separated by space, but by the fabric of our very dimensions; this is a difficult task."
The Nerd's visage softened ever so slightly as he felt a pang of empathy for the perspiring princess. "Eh, I know a thing or two about difficult tasks. Ever play Silver Surfer?"
"Don't talk to me," Luna strained. "You'll make me lose focus. Please, just be patient."
"Patience," The Nerd scoffed. "Patience is for assholes."
"Then you should have plenty," sallied Rainbow Dash.
"Hey." James extended his middle finger. "You see this?"
Rainbow Dash cocked her head to the side. "What's that supposed to mean?"
The Nerd extended his middle finger again, but in a way that was more incredulous than aggressive. "You don't know what this means?"
Rainbow Dash extended her forelegs to reveal to the human what was at the end of them. "Hooves, dipshit."
James scowled. "It means you're distilled essence of diarrhea drizzled over ten gallons of unslapped bitch. Now fuck off, before you catch these hands."
He then turned his attention to Fluttershy. "I was going to have you play some Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, but I think I'll save that putrid, bubbling anal fissure of frothing butthole milk for that fucking rainbow cunt."
Fluttershy looked at him innocently. "Please, don't be angry with her, Mister Nerd." She paused for a moment, reaching for the magical words that might placate him. "She, uh, she can be a little outspoken from time to time, but she means well."
"She means to piss me off!" James snapped.
Fluttershy coward before him, shaking.
Twilight Sparkle seemed to be concerned by the interaction between the two. "Princess Celestia?" she said, "I really don't want to leave Fluttershy alone with him; she's fragile"
"Thirty seconds," Luna called out.
"Would you like to accompany them?" Princess Celestia asked. "This could be a valuable learning experience for you."
The Princess smiled. "I wouldn't have offered you the opportunity if I wasn't sure. Another world would be like a whole new land of opportunities for you to learn."
"Thank you, Princess," Twilight Sparkle cheered, elated. "I promise to learn as much as I can while I'm on the other side." And then she skipped toward the area where the portal would open, situating herself protectively between The Nerd and Fluttershy.
The Nerd stroked his chin pensively between his thumb and forefinger. "You might regret this decision. You stare into the abyss of shitty games, the abyss of shitty games stares back."
"I'm not one to back down from a challenge, especially if new knowledge is the reward for overcoming it," Twilight said defiantly.
The Nerd sighed. "I'm warning you, you should do what The Irate Gamer's dad should have done and pull out before it's too late."
Twilight Sparkle blinked. "The Irate who?"
"Never mind."
"Ten seconds!" Luna announced.
"Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said, "before you leave, allow me to impart a word of warning to you: it may be as you've said, the human's rage could very well be contagious. Don't let it suck you in."
"Good word use," The Nerd interjected.
Twilight Sparkle ignored him. "You've no cause for concern, princess," she promised. "If push comes to shove, I'll use the stress-relieving techniques Cadence taught me." She then demonstrated, inhaling, extending her hoof, then exhaling.
"Cadence taught you well," Celestia nodded in approval. "I've naught but the utmost faith in you."
The Nerd scoffed. "You really think pantomiming a Nazi salute while having an asthma attack is going to help you in my world? You're going to need medication by the time this shit is over."
Twilight refused to rise to the bait. "I'd rather utilize techniques to help me deal with my emotions than express them in a volatile manner."
"Yeah, you know," Rainbow Dash put in, "kinda like you."
James's eye twitched. He had had just about enough of the raibow-maned mare's shit. He reached for a pen in his pocket. It was a special pen, improvised for encounters such as the one in which he had now found himself. "Let me show you another way to relieve stress," he said, uncapping the pen, then placing its hollowed out tube between his lips.
Twilight Sparkle regarded him with a curious caution. "What are you doing...?"
"Hey, Rainbow Cunt!" The Nerd mumbled with the pen between his teeth.
Rainbow Dash replied with, "What?" just before the mucusey projectile hit her between the eyes. She wiped it away furiously.
James grabbed his groin with his left hand, extended the middle finger on his right, and he began his descent into the safety of the portal. "Bye Felicia!" came his parting taunt.
Rainbow Dash, well beyond the capacity for threats and unpleasentries, charged toward him before he could get away, but her efforts were for naught, as the last she saw of him was his middle finger extending from the portal before it sank.
Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle found themselves sitting on The Nerd's couch, from which the human had singlehandedly turned the reviewing of shitty games into an art form, which would be imitated but never duplicated by many a hack for years to come.
"Home sweet home!" James exclaimed before springing from the couch, eager to get started.
Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy sat on his couch, looking around at their new surroundings with wide eyes. They noticed the rows upon rows of games which filled his wooden shelves to capacity.
"How is it that these seemingly harmless plastic objects have the ability to induce so much wrath?" The lavender princess mused.
James turned around after he turned his television on. "Hey, guitar guy. Where you at?"
The two mares sitting on The Nerd's couch nearly jumped out of their skins when they looked back and saw another human ascending from depths behind the sofa."What?" The human in question asked in an agitated tone.
"Get me a beer," The Nerd barked. "And sing my theme song for my guests, will you? It might give them a little taste of things to come."
"Pfff. You wake me up from my legless dog dream for that? Get your own goddamn beer, and I'm not your performing monkey to dance for you whenever you snap your fingers," he said, before beginning his descent to the place from which he had seemingly materialized.
"Who in the hoof was that?" Twilight and Fluttershy blurted out in unison.
"That's Guitar Guy," James replied as he ambled across the room to grab a Roll'n Rock from his mini fridge. He twisted the cap off and took a generous gulp. "He lives behind the couch."
Twilight Sparkle looked stupefied. "He... lives behind your couch?"
"Yep," replied The Nerd, and then he plopped his ass down on the sofa between them.
"Why does he live behind you couch?" Fluttershy asked with genuine interest.
James kicked off his shoes. "Because, there's no other couches to go behind."
"Where did he come from?"
James shrugged. "Shit, fuck if I know. I just got up to take a shit one day, came back to the game room, and he was just back there." He took another pull from his bottle, emptied it, and set it on the small coffee table in front of him. "Can we stop talking about the asshole behind the couch and play some shitty games, already?" He then sank back in his sofa and kicked his socked feet up on the table.
Fluttershy, not knowing where or how to start, could only look at The Nerd, perplexed.
James pointed toward the rack containing his massive collection of NES games. "Pick one."
"Oh, uh, okay, then..." Fluttershy hovered to the rack of games, and her eyes scanned the labels.
James watched her until he felt a tug on his shirt. He looked at the lavender alicorn sitting next to him. "What do you want?"
"Is there anyway I can help out?"
"No," came the Nerd's curt reply. "Just sit back and bask in the shittiness."
"But, I came here to learn and experience new things!" Twilight insisted.
James frowned at her.
"Oh, fine," Twilight said somberly before she turned away from him. She curled herself up into a sulking purple ball of butthurt at the end of the couch.
James's scowl grew deeper as the mare's sulking brought on a twinge of guilt. "Fine!" he yielded. He pushed himself up from the couch, scooped the princess up in his arms, and carried her to the corner of the game room, where his bean bag chair lay next to his computer desk.
"Put me down!" Twilight protested, a demand that The Nerd was quick to oblige. He let her go, allowing her to abruptly flop down on the beanbag. "You, sir," she huffed as she struggled to situate herself, "are the most misanthropic, abhorrent, anal retentive—" her string of chiding dialogue trailed off as she sat down and allowed herself to sink into the beanbag. She bounced her rump on the chair and mused, "this is actually kinda comfy..."
The Nerd selected a rectangular device from a drawer in his computer desk. "It's called a beanbag. It's stuffed with the testicles of my enemies."
"It doesn't surprise me in the least that you have enemies," Twilight commented with a wry smile. "Wait, it's stuffed with what?"
"Nothing," James responded. "Here, you want to play a game? Sit there, shut the fuck up, and play this." He tossed the device to her. Twilight managed to catch it with her telekinetic magic before it could bounce off her head.
"What is it?" She asked, beholding the device in wonderment.
"It's called a 3DS," The Nerd tossed over his shoulder as he sauntered back to his couch.
Twilight Sparkle inspected the curious device with a look of intrigue. "Is this '3DS' a, what do you call it, shitty game?"
"That depends," replied The Nerd. "What's in it?"
Twilight resumed her inspection of the device. She unfolded it, then experimentally pushed the small button near the bottom screen. Her eyes widened in surprise as the screens lit up. She slowly read the title out loud: "Phoenix Wright: Ace attorney... That sounds pretty shitty!" she said enthusiastically. "I can't wait to play this...this..." She reached for description that The Nerd might use. "Bastard licking, buffalo cornholing... fuckness?"
The Nerd cracked a smile. "Nice try, but that's actually a good game."
"Well," Said Twilight, "I'm going to play this anyway." She relaxed in the cushy beanbag chair, resting the back of her head against her forelegs as she utilized her telekinesis to levitate the 3DS above her and manipulate the stylus.
"Knock yourself out," said The Nerd indifferently. He then turned his attention on the pink and yellow mare on the other side of the room, who seemed to be overwhelmed by the plethora of choices in front of her.
"Pick one yet?" He asked.
Afraid that she may be arousing The Nerd's anger, she quickly a cartridge at random. "Uhm, h-how about this one?" She held out the game for The Nerd to see.
"River City Ransom?" James shook his head. "Nah, that's a good game. Try again."
"Any recommendations?" Fluttershy asked as she slipped the cartridge back into the shelf.
"I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "Ikari warriors, maybe?"
There was the sudden strumming of a guitar emanating from behind the couch. ♪Where did their hair go?♪ sang Guitar Guy.
James hit the couch with his fist. "Shut the fuck up back there, I'm trying to think."
He turned back to where Fluttershy had been, but she was no longer in front of the rack of NES games. She had somehow got distracted by his pet cat.
Fluttershy sat on the ground with James's bombay shorthair in her lap. "You like that?" she cooed as she gently rubbed the sides of the cat's neck. "Oh, you're just the cutest little thing!" She wrapped her forelegs tightly around the feline, who, much to James's surprise, didn't mind that a stranger was raining such intense affection on him.
"Have a thing for cats, do you?"
"Yes," Fluttershy replied. "Not just cats, but all animals." The cat purred contentedly as Fluttershy rubbed the tip of her muzzle against the cat's nose.
The Nerd felt himself becoming ill as Fluttershy's display of affection conveyed a state of happiness that he didn't necessarily condone. But then, The Nerd had an idea. He had an awful idea. The Nerd had an awful, wonderful idea. A malevolent smile darkened his face. "Love animals, huh?"
Fluttershy looked at him, and when she noticed the smile on his face, she looked as if she had become uneasy. She nodded nervously, sensing the malignant waves of pure assholism emanating from the human.
The cat, sensing The Nerd's evil bubbling within him, desperately thrashed its way out of Fluttershy's forelegs and loped for the exit.
The Nerd walked strait to the game rack, traced the unorganized collection of games with his finger for the odd powder blue cartridge, like a torturer selecting the tool which he would use on his prisoner. He looked back and smiled a wide, toothy grin at Fluttershy as he slowly pulled the strange, deformed game cartridge from its place. He then thrust it toward her.
Fluttershy winced and looked away as she felt the waves of putrid shittyness emanating from the cartridge. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "This is what shittyness feels like?"
"Sucks, doesn't it?" The Nerd smirked.
"Can you just tell me what the game is like, so i'm at least prepared for what I'm about to play?" She pleaded.
The Nerd slid the cartridge into his NES top loader. "The objective of the game is to—
"Hey, this Larry Butz guy is funny!" Twilight Sparkle interrupted, absolutely captivated by the text-heavy title she had been playing.
The Nerd shot her a scowl before continuing on with his explanation. "The objective of the game is to—
"Hey, the judge kinda reminds me of Star Swirl The Bearded," Twilight Sparkle interrupted him again.
The Nerd shot her another irritated glance. "The objective of the games is to--
"OBJECTION!" Twilight Sparkle yelled excitedly.
"Shut the fuck up!" James finally snapped.
"Sheesh, sorry!" Twilight Sparkle waved a casual hoof at him from the beanbag chair, not bothering to take her eyes from the game.
"Anyway," The Nerd continued, "the objective is to carry animals into a large boat called an Ark, in order to rescue them from a flood."
"Oh," Fluttershy answered in surprise, "so, you're rescuing animals? That actually sounds kinda fun."
The Nerd tossed the NES controller, letting it thud silently on the floor in front of her. "Prepare to be surprised."
Fluttershy's Ark part.2 (She's the angriest pony you've ever heard)
"I can't catch this pig," Fluttershy grumbled, trying her best not to give into the rage. Twenty minutes had passed, and she was already beginning to show the early warning signs of being pissed off.
"Yeah," The Nerd agreed with delight, his socked feet resting atop his table with a beer in hand. "They're some wily fuckers, that's for sure."
"Shut the... The gosh darn freaking hay up!" Fluttershy let slip, the words tumbling unbidden through her virgin lips. "I-I mean, please be quiet," She corrected herself. "I really need to focus."
"Just let your rage out," The Nerd encouraged her. "You'll feel better, I promise. It's like taking a ghost pepper nacho shit; it's smelly, unpleasant, and it burn's like hell, but you'll feel a lot better once you let it out of you."
Fluttershy tried her damnedest to drown out the combination of The Nerd's negative encouragement and the bland, shitty music coming from the game.
"Let me tell you something, Fluttershy," The Nerd continued, "for a game that's based on a story from the bible, this game is a load of unholy fuckness!"
Fluttershy finally let out a sigh of relief when she managed to capture the pig. But that was when the Glitch Gremlin decided to pay her a visit.
Inexplicably, just as Fluttershy was about to allow herself a triumphant 'yay,' the 8-bit swine inexplicably escaped her grasp and clipped through the pixilated ground, rendering it unobtainable.
Fluttershy's eye twitched.
A wicked smile began to stretch across James's face. "Oh, my," he said in faux dismay. "Guess you gotta start again."
Fluttershy suddenly snatched the beer out of James's hand and took a deep pull from the bottle before she started to rant: "Every time I grab this pig, he jumps out of my hands, and this music is driving me crazy! It wont stop! Not even for a second! Wait, no, calling it music is an insult to music -- it just sounds like mishmash of eight bit flatulence!" She tipped the bottle back again and emptied its contents, then slammed the receptacle down on the table so hard it cracked.
Concerned, Twilight Sparkle said, "Uhm, Fluttershy? Maybe you should just stop playing."
"No!" Fluttershy replied hotly.
The Nerd swung his legs off the table and stood. "You can't just let the game fucking win like that!" he put in as he hit the reset button on the console.
"Im'a teach this swine a lesson!" Fluttershy slurred, directing the character on screen to pick up a nearby rock. She had wasted no time in exacting her revenge on the pig the moment she was passed the start up screen.
"That's actually how you're suppose to do it," advised The Nerd as he retrieved another beer from his fridge.
Fluttershy stamped the B button on the controller and had Noah loose the rock from a distance, incapacitating the unsuspecting animal.
"Yeah!" The Nerd and Fluttershy both cheered.
Fluttershy scooped the Pig up, and finally brought him into the ark. "Teach you to mess with me!" She mumbled, before hiccuping all cute-like.
"Are you getting drunk?" The Nerd chuckled. "You had, like, one beer."
"Why does the old guy -hic- run faster than the camera?!" Fluttershy complained as she attempted to focus through her blurring vision. "It's nice to be able to move quickly when you need to get things done, but it's just an inconvenience when you can't see where you're going!"
"I know, right?" James agreed. "And why is everything so fucking brown? It's like a bowl of pixilated diarrhea that somebody ate then promptly vomited out all over a goddamn canvas."
Fluttershy had finally moved on after capturing the pigs and decided to go after the snakes. It took her nearly an hour mounting frustration and binge drinking before The Nerd dropped some hard reality on her.
"Hey, Fluttershy, guess what -- those snakes that have been climbing up and down those trees?
Fluttershy's paused the game, looked at him, hiccuped. "What -hic- about them?"
"They're' just a diversion," The Nerd revealed. "The real snakes you have to catch are located on top of a mountain. A mountain for which the only access point is a black hole you can just barely see blending into the background. You've been running past it this whole time."
"Why?" She said under her breath, trying with all her might to hold back her tears of frustration. "Why does this game have to trick me like that?"
"I don't know, it's just the way the asshole designers made the game."
"I... I'm done... I can't even anymore." Fluttershy dropped the controller. "This game... This game..."
The sky outside began to darken. An old man in a galaxy far far away could feel a disturbance in the force.
Twilight sparkle looked up from the 3DS. "Hey, Fluttershy... Are you okay?"
James threw his hands dramatically in the air. ♪Let it go, let it go♪ He sang enthusiastically. ♪Can't take this shitty game anymore♪
"Don't listen to him!" Twilight sparkle intervened. "Just breathe, okay?"
"Yeah, that's what I'd rather do." Fluttershy said. "I'd rather breathe..."
"Oh, good," Twilight said in her relief. "See that, Nerd? Fluttershy would never succumb to your—
"Through a jizz crusted sock!" Fluttershy cut her off.
"Oh, no!" Twilight sparkle panicked.
♪Let it go, let it go♪ The Nerd continued. ♪Your fuckin' mom is a whore♪
"I'd rather give birth to an Ursa major than play this shit for one more second!"
"Yeah!" The Nerd cheered as he handed her another beer. "I don't know what the fuck that is, but fuck yeah! Tear that shitty game a new one!"
She swiped the beer from his hands and slogged it down in a rather unladylike fashion.
James wringed his hands maniacally. "What else would you rather do?"
The miffed mare, approaching black out drunk, slung the bottle across the room. "I'd rather -hic- slurp the fermented baby gravy from the cock of a three day old dead moose on the side of the -hic- road!"
Twilight Sparkle's eyes went wide. "Fluttershy!"
"Yeah!" Cheered The Nerd again, as he handed her another beer. "What else would you rather do?"
"I'd rather swim through a pool filled with razor blades! I'd rather wipe my ass with sandpaper! I'd rather have my face cut off and worn like a jock strap!" She then tipped her beer back and quaffed it down with just a couple of deep gulps. "I'd... Fuck... Gargoyles...Celestia's tits..." She continued on with her string of barely intelligible curses, every word increasingly more incoherent than the last, untill she finally toppled over, hitting the floor with a soft thud.
James nudged her with a socked foot. "You alright?"
"Fuggoff..." And then Fluttershy started to snore.
"One down," The Nerd said with a triumphant smile. "Five more to go." He then scooped the pissed off and passed out Fluttershy in his arms and laxed back on the couch. "Alright, how do we get back to your world?" He asked, but Twilight Sparkle did not seem to hear him.
"OBJECTION!" Twilight cheered, clapping her hooves together. "This game is so fun!"
"Hey!" roared The Nerd.
Twilight, startled, nearly dropped her gaming device. "What?"
"How do we get back to your world?" The Nerd demanded.
Twilight Sparkle sighed, collected her faculties, then sank back in the beanbag chair. "Click your heals together three times, then say 'there's no place like Equestria.'"
James blinked."You can't be fucking serious..."
"As prostate cancer," The Princess responded, her eyes never leaving her game.
"Aren't you coming too?"
"Nah, I still have a lot of research to do here."
"What the fuck could you possibly be learning about my world from playing Phoenix Wright?"
"For starters," Twilight explained, "how the justice system works in your world. It's a lot more fun than the tribunal system we have back home."
The Nerd rolled his eyes at her dumb-assed excuse, a gesture that Twilight Sparkle didn't notice."Fine, you can stay, but don't touch anything while I'm gone."
"Yeah, yeah." Twilight Sparkle waved a nonchalant hoof at him. "Off with you, now."
James looked down at his socked feet hesitantly, the inebriated Fluttershy in his arms, who would occasionally groan a curse between her loud snores. He let out a sigh of reluctance before clicking his socked heals together, and grumbled the incantation under his breath. "There's no place like Equestria..."
"Louder," Twilight advised him.
James sighed again. "There's no place like Equestria," he mumbled.
"With exuberance," Twilight added. "And you have to smile when you say it."
"Why?"
"That's just how Equestrian magic works."
James, the facial expression all but alien to him, had to muster all the strength he could to contort his sour visage into a smile, which was so forced and awkward, it could have made a T-800 flinch. "There's no place like Equestria!" The Nerd attempted with exaggerated exuberance. He waited in anticipation for something to happen, but nothing happened.
"Pffff," Twilight jeered, "I can't believe I actually got you to say it!" She giggled.
The Nerd frowned, unamused by the lavender troll's insufferable antics. "You're a real bitch, aren't you?"
After the mirthful mare had finally managed to staunch her laughter, she wiped her eyes and offered, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I'll send you back home, Nerd." The tip of her horn glowed, and a section of the floor seemed to give way to a swirling portal. "Just stand over that, and you'll be back in Canterlot in no time. Oh, and I'll make sure to keep it open for you, so Luna won't have to strain herself again."
"Wait, it took your princess nearly twenty minutes to open one of these, and you just did it instantly," The Nerd pointed out in a distrusting tone.
"My world is on the same wavelength as my magic; it's easier to conjure a portal entering my world than it is to exit it."
"Makes sense, I guess," The Nerd conceded. He collected the inebriated Fluttershy and stepped into the portal. And as he began to sink through it, he left Twilight with a parting message: "Don't touch—
"'Anything," Twilight finished for him. "Yeah, I got it."
There was a quick flash before The Nerd's eyes. He suddenly found himself traveling through a tunnel of light. A vaguely identifiable object that looked somewhat similar to a blue telephone booth nearly collided with him in his descent. "Watch where you're going, asshole!" He shouted after the blue monolith as it continued to spin and tumble off into the distance.
The Nerd continued to descend until he noticed a disk of light. He could feel its gravitational pull guiding him toward it. When the light all around him subsided, he once again found himself standing in the throne room.
All the mares in attendance were gawking at him.
"Oh, my!" Exclaimed Celestia, indicating the unconscious mare in James's arms. "Is she alright?"
The Nerd laid Fluttershy out before the two princesses. "Doubt it, she's been exposed to a massive amount of shittyness."
Luna stepped forward, her horn aglow with a mysterious dark light. She then lowered her head and engulfed Fluttershy with some sort of spell.
"The hell are you doing?" The Nerd had to know.
"I'm scanning her."
"You're casting scan, like in Final Fantasy?"
Luna, ignoring the human, furrowed her brow in a concerned manner. "It's just as I thought."
"Sister, what is it?" inquired Celestia.
"She has been exposed to copious amounts of shitty game poisoning."
"Prognosis?"
"She will recover, but she may need to undergo therapy... And possibly dialysis."
Fluttershy's eyes finally fluttered open.
"Welcome back," Luna greeted her
"How are you feeling?" Celestia asked. "Did you learn anything new while in the human world?"
"I learned..." Fluttershy whispered weakly. "I don't like shitty games."
James nodded contently as he watched the interaction unfold, but it didn't take him long to realize that a certain rainbow-maned pony was not in attendance.
"Uhm, Sugarcube?" A blonde mare wearing a brown stetson addressed The Nerd with a fearful look in her eyes.
"What?" James answered. "You want to go next?"
"Not particularly," She responded, "but if ah were you, darlin', ah would run."
"From what?" The Nerd scoffed in response before feeling a firm tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Rainbow Dash hovering before him.
She glared at him for a moment. Then she said, "What's up, dead man?"
The Nerd backed away a few step to put some distance between them, but Rainbow Dash followed him.
"Whats up with you?" James finally asked.
"Oh, nothing, just thinking about that shit you pulled before you disappeared like a little bitch."
"Oh?" The Nerd responded with a smirk, recognizing the challenge in her tone. "Liked that shit, did ya?"
"Not really," she growled through a row of clinched teeth.
"What are you going to do about it, bitch?"
"I'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck."
"Well, what are you waiting for?" James thumbed his nose at her. "Don't say you're gonna do it. Just try and do it."
"Before we get started," Rainbow dash said. "Your shoelaces are untied."
James blinked. "Huh, thanks..." He looked down and inspected his socked feet. The realization of what a dumbass he was was as instantaneous as the uppercut that knocked him back several steps. The blow was just as surprising as it was painful. He hadn't anticipated that a girly talking cartoon pony could throw like that. And what's more, she had distracted him to get in a cheap shot. He might have commended her for her dirty tactic if he wasn't so pissed.
Rainbow Dash put up her hooves. "That's a nice split lip you got there," she said mockingly. "Now, how 'bout I give you a broken nose to match."
The Nerd wiped his mouth. "Bring it, you fucking rainbow cunt."
Rarity and Apple Jack watched in horror as the savage display unfolded before them. Pinkie Pie had her bowl of popcorn ready as she spectated with rapt amusement. Fluttershy, still not yet recovered from her traumatic events with the shitty game The Nerd had exposed her to, shook and shivered in a fetal position in the corner.
The Nerd and Rainbow Dash rolled around on the ground trading a flurry of fast and furious blows, and being the warrior poets they both were, they howled and spat structureless profanity at each other as they did so.
Luna turned to her older sibling. "Sister, what should we do?"
"I have already sent a telepathic message to Cadence," Celestia replied sedately. "She is on her way here to alleviate the animosities between these two."
"You think, maybe, we should hold them back until she gets here?" inquired Luna, anxious. Her eyes were once again drawn to the fighting. The spectacle was like a snuff film to her: horrendous as hell, yet she couldn't tear her eyes away.
"I ain't getting in the middle of that," replied Celestia, gesturing toward the skirmish.
The Nerd was gaining the upper hand as he introduced Rainbow Dash intimately to the stone floor with a Rock Bottom. He then ripped the sleeve of his wank arm clean off his shirt before he threw it aside, then deployed a vicious people's elbow on the downed mare.
The Nerd stood and howled in triumph as he beat his chest. He then produced two beers from his pockets. He pried them open with his teeth, held them high over his head, upended them, and proceeded to drink them in a way that would have made Stone Cold Steve Austin proud.
The two cascading rivulets of Roll n' Rock managed to reach his mouth, but most of it drenched what was left of his tattered, one-sleeved shirt, and ran down his chest like a foaming wave rolling over the shore.
It had appeared, however, that The Nerd was celebrating his victory a bit too early, as he felt two sturdy forelegs lock around his waist. Startled, James dropped his beers. "What the f--" he managed to stammer before he became the newest resident of Suplex City, and Rainbow Dash was the mayor welcoming him to town. The pain was like an explosion of colors behind his eyes as his head met with the unyielding stone floor.
James scrambled to his feet, but just as he was catching his balance, Applejack threw Rainbow Dash a steel folding chair, which she promptly used to slam The Nerd across the forehead, reacquainting him with the ground.
James rubbed at the welt on his brow. "That was a fucking cheap shot, you bitch!"
"Bitch is right!" Rainbow Dash agreed as she discarded the now-dented chair and took to the air. "And you're about to be mine." She folded her wings in midair, then descended toward him, belly first.
James, thinking quickly, bent and lifted his leg, countering Rainbow Dash's Splash by letting her land on his knee.
The mare let out a loud, anguished 'oof' as her gut took the full brunt of the impact. But she was quick to recover. She grabbed The Nerd by his collar. The Nerd managed to acquire a fistful of her mane, and eventually, the combatants had found themselves fighting in the same way they had when their spat began, rolling around on the ground, spitting curses as they traded blows.
"Hey, you two!" A feminine voice abruptly called out, causing the two bitter adversaries to come to an instant stop.
They directed their gazes toward the source of the voice and said "What the fuck do you want!" in unison.
Cadence was standing before them, glaring admonishingly. To Rainbow Dash, she was The Princess of The Crystal Empire. To James, she was just another goddamn talking horse.
"Knock that shit off!" Cadence demanded.
The Nerd frowned defiantly. "No cartoon fucking pink horse tells me what to—"
Cadence glared at him, silencing him.
Rainbow Dash pointed an accusing hoof at The Nerd. "But he started—"
Cadence turned her glare toward her, silencing her.
Her gaze transitioned between them before she finally demanded, "Hug and make up. You don't want to make me say it again."
Rainbow Dash and James just sneered in disgust at one another.
"Hug, damn you!" Cadence stamped the ground as she channeled the powers of Mati. "Heart, bitches!"
James was suddenly overwhelmed with a torrent of light, but it soon passed. "Did something just taste pink for a second?" he mused, but then he remembered Rainbow Dash. She was laying there next to him, leering at him suggestively. "Why the fuck are you looking at me like tha— oh, god!" The Nerd was suddenly assaulted, but not in the way he expected. "Get the fuck off of me!" He demanded.
"I love you too, you asshole," Rainbow Dash cooed affectionately as she tightened her embrace around him.
"Get off!" The Nerd demanded again before headbutting her in the muzzle, which she responded by nuzzling her bloodied face against his. "You sick fuck, what's your problem!"
"Oh my," Luna commented. "It didn't seem to work on the human."
"Get this bitch off of me!" James exclaimed.
"The human may be incapable of affection," Cadence explained as Rainbow Dash continued her non-consensual barrage of affection. She stroked her chin with a pensive hoof and added, "Either that, or my magic just isn't on the same frequency as the human's mind. I could give it another try, but, if I use too much power, there is a good chance that it might stimulate Rainbow Dash's estrus... And then she may try to... Uh..."
"She'll try to what?" The Nerd managed to free his arms. He used his now-liberated hands to push her face away from his. "She'll try to what!" he repeated impatiently.
Cadence thought for a moment. "She, uh... Might try to make a Centaur with you."
"Well," said The Nerd, his jaw tightening, "I guess I could just add 'raped by a cartoon pony' to my list of reasons to kill myself."
"Fear not, human," Cadence assured him. "I would never do such a thing."
"Oh, well, that's good then."
"Unless you piss me off," Cadence added.
James was finding it harder and harder to fend off the cerulean mare's advances. "Well, what pisses you off?"
"Fighting," Cadence answered curtly.
"You got it!" The Nerd agreed enthusiastically. "No more fighting with anyb— or pony, I mean -- now, get this bitch off of me!"
"Good." Cadence gave him a cautioning look. "And I don't care if Rainbow Dash starts it -- it will end with you, got it? And If I hear about you engaging in another altercation with Rainbow Dash, or anypony else -- I'll see to it that every mare in Equestria passes you around like a joint at a drum circle, got it?"
"Fine, fine," The Nerd agreed impatiently. "Just get her off of me!"
Cadence's horn flickered as she released the spell.
Celestia inclined her head gratefully. "Thank you, Princess Cadence. I don't know what we would have done without you."
"No worries. I'll send you the bill," Cadence chuckled as she sauntered her way out of the throne room, to return to whatever business she was engaged in before she was interrupted.
Rainbow Dash's eyelids fluttered, as if she had awoken from a deep sleep. "Why do I taste pink?" She asked before looking down in shock at her foe with no recollection as to why she was laying on top of him. "Get off me, you fucking weirdo!" She demanded, her hoof connecting with flesh in a resounding slap.
James rubbed his reddening cheek. "You, were on top of me,[/] you fucking cun...." James silenced himself as he remembered Princess Cadence's threat. He awkwardly cleared his throat before speaking again. "I don't feel like fighting anymore, okay? You're winner. Congratu-fucking-lations."
"Damn right!" Rainbow Dash said triumphantly. "Come see me again if you ever want to taste the painbow."
"Sure, whatever," James was forced to concede. He was a bit irritated that he was being forced to let her have the last word, but he knew he would have his retribution later. He was already thinking of the cruelest way to punish her. Only the shittiest of the shitty games in his library would do when her time came.
"Nerd?" Celestia addressed James curiously.
"Yeah?" He responded.
"I don't see my pupil with you. Did she choose to stay?"
"She wanted to stay behind and 'study' my world -- namely my 3DS."
"That sounds like her," The Princess stated proudly. "I can't wait to hear about all that she has learned. Which reminds me, did Fluttershy happen to teach you anything?"
"I learned something about her," James stated as he pointed to the sunflower colored mare balled up shivering in the corner of the throne room. "She doesn't like shitty games."
"Oh..." Princess Celestia turned a sorrowful, sympathetic gaze toward Fluttershy. "I was hoping that she would have shared the virtues of kindness with you."
James shrugged. "I shared my beer with her. That's something, right?"
Celestia rubbed her temples and sighed, "This isn't going as smoothly as I expected."
"Why don't you give me somebody tougher?" James suggested, a malevolent grin tugging at the corners of his lips. "Somebody who would be more of a challenge?"
"What do you mean by 'challenge?'" Celestia inquired suspiciously.
"Oh, uh, a challenge for -- uh, somebody I can teach about stuff?" James said, fabricating his lie with a peculiarly awkward grace.
Celestia narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "That's good, because I would hate to think that you're simply wasting this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to discover your inner harmony by torturing my most beloved subjects."
"Trust me," The Nerd said with a scowl, "I'm not much of a torturer. The game designers at LJN are far better at that shit than I could ever be."
"LJN?"
James, fearful that just by conversing about the shittiest game company in existence may bring about a horrible Vietnam flashback of his wasted childhood, quickly changed the subject. "I think I know who will be accompanying me back to my world, princess."
Celestia's eyes widened in surprise, "I'm glad you seem so eager," she replied, astonished by The Nerd's sudden enthusiasm. "Who shall it be, I wonder?"
James rubbed his chin attentively before he made his choice. "You, little miss generosity." He pointed to the snow white Unicorn.
"Are you addressing me, darling?" Rarity replied, placing a hoof upon her chest.
"Who the fuck else would I be talking to?" James answered. "It's go time, little miss priss. Bring your ass over here."
Rarity harrumphed with her nose in the air. "I'll not deign to follow a demand barked in such an uncouth manner. You will behave like a gentleman in my presence, or you shan't speak to me at all."
"Is that right?" The Nerd said with a pissed off look on his face. "I think I'm going to enjoy this."
"Welcome back," Twilight Sparkle greeted the nerd and his Unicorn companion as they fazed into the human realm.
Rarity scanned the hovel in which she stood with a disapproving frown; she noted James's poster-covered walls and plethora of electronic equipment scattered throughout the room. "This decor is so...so..."
"Badass?" James attempted to finish for her.
"Tacky!" The Unicorn corrected him. "Not even I could turn this room into a livable abode."
"Oh, my sincerest apologies, your royal assness!" The nerd bowed his head in a gesture of mock chivalry. "Perhaps it would be better with a pillow fashioned from Egyptian cotton with golden trim for you to lay on, with a monkey butler to feed you grapes as you masturbate."
Rarity's eyes narrowed into a sly smile as she countered the nerds sarcasm with her own. "That would be lovely, actually."
Ignoring her quip, The Nerd made his way across the room to grab a Roll'n Rock from his mini fridge.
"How can you stand it here?" Rarity asked the lavender alicorn, who lay nearly motionless in what she designated to be 'her spot' on the beanbag chair in the corner.
"Oh, it's not that bad," She responded lazily, arching her back, stretching, then yawning as she closed the 3DS in front of her. "And this game is officially done."
"You beat that pretty quick," James said, nodding with a slight hint of praise in his tone.
"I'm good at mysteries," Twilight replied, satisfied with The Nerd's compliment. "Celestia knows I've read enough of them."
James wrenched the cap of the beer bottle open with his bare hand and took a generous gulp as his eyes meticulously examined the room to make sure everything was as he left it before he left with Fluttershy. He approached Twilight Sparkle, who had gotten up to look for another game to conquer on his rack of portable games.
"You didn't touch anything while I was gone, did you?" He asked suspiciously after noting the orange crumbs in Twilight's mane.
"N-no," she replied guiltily.
"Not a fucking thing, huh?" He knelt down so their faces were level.
"Nothing!" she responded defensively.
They beamed at each other for nearly an entire minute in an Eastwood-esque stare down.
"By the way," Twilight added, breaking the awkward silence between them. "You're out of RC Cola and Doritos."
"I knew it!" The Nerd groaned. "All my Doritos, seriously?"
"Hey, you don't have to take that tone with me," Twilight countered. "A girl's gotta eat!"
"You should have told me you were hungry before I left!" The Nerd chided. "I would have..I don't know..taken you outside so you can eat some grass, or something.
"I wanted to try some of your human food!" Twilight countered. "You're already verbally abusive toward me! You want to starve me, too?"
"Christ you're fucking picky!" James complained before he walked back to his couch, sat down, and began to rub his temples.
"RC Cola?" Rarity inquired. "Doritos?"
"Yeah," Twilight answered. "They're probably the best things I've had in my mouth."
"Oh, does that exclude Flash Sentry?"
"When you hens are done clucking," The Nerd interrupted impatiently, "we got some shitty games to play."
"When are you going to stop bringing that up?" Twilight asked with an un-amused scowl on her face.
"Hey," The Nerd interjected. "Shitty games don't play themselves... If you don't count the demo at the start screen..."
Rarity responded to Twilight's question, ignoring The Nerd's impatient ranting. "Probably never."
"You haven't told anypony, have you?" Twilight asked.
"I'm pretty sure everypony in Ponyville knows about it," Rarity responded.
"Hey," The tried to interrupt them again.
"I told you not to tell anypony!" Twilight fumed.
"Hey!" The Nerd barked again.
"I keep getting asked about it," was Rarity's reply.
"That doesn't mean you have to tell them, does it?"
"Gonna throw something!" The Nerd warned.
"What else am I going to gossip about when I'm at the spa?" Rarity countered.
"Anything but that!" Twilight exclaimed.
Their debate was abruptly ended when an empty bottle flew between them and shattered against a nearby wall, scaring the shit out of both of them and instantly grabbing their attention in the process.
"I brought you here to play shitty games, not discuss your sex life!"
Startled, Twilight Sparkle and Rarity said in unison, "Okay, shit!"
"Pick a game, already!" The Nerd pointed to the shelf of grey cartridges.
"I already told you," Rarity huffed. "I don't respond to such rude demands."
"Alright, then," The Nerd responded as he rose from his couch. "I'll pick one for you!"
"Rarity," Twilight intervened. "I don't think you should let him pick one for you. He did that with Fluttershy, and, well, you saw the condition she was in, didn't you?"
"I don't care," Rarity commented. "I can handle any game this human throws at me. These 'video games' are mere baby toys."
The Nerd cocked an eyebrow, and a smile began to tug at the corners of his lips as an idea came to him. "What did you just say?"
"Baby toys," Rarity reiterated. "That is what these things are. I simply can not understand how these silly little things have turned you into such a sociopath."
"Baby's toy, huh?" The Nerd said to himself as he scanned for a particular cartridge in his library. That particular cartridge with that fucking rainbow by its label. "Do you remember that conversation I had with your princess about methods of torture?" The Nerd asked as his eyes continued to scan for that horrible, iridescent label.
"Vaguely, yes," Rarity responded. "I recall you using the term 'LJN'."
"Yes," said The Nerd. "One of the most horrible pieces of fuck-poop ever shat out by that company is this fucking game." James pulled out the cartridge with that multicolored stamp of death on it, and presented it to the blue-eyed mare, letting her read the title out loud.
"Back to the future?"
"Yep, and you're going to play it from beginning to end!" The Nerd said with a sadistic grimace.
"I'm going to assume the theme is time travel," Rarity mused.
"That's right," The Nerd said with a nod before walking to his classic grey NES, and jamming the cartridge in.
Rarity watched the television as a jumbled cluster fuck of 8-bit pixels danced about the screen. She cocked her head to the side in confusion. "Darling, why is it all scrambled?"
"Ah shit," The Nerd cursed as he powered the NES off and and removed the cartridge. "These older cartridge-based game consoles have an annoying tendency of only working when they want to."
Rarity and Twilight Sparkle watched with curiosity as The Nerd brought the grey cartridge to his mouth and vigorously blew puffs of air into the bottom from side-to-side. He then slid the cartridge back in, pressed down, and once again, pushed the switch on the archaic console to see that the title screen was even more fucked up than last time.
"Well, shit," He said, as he mused over the defective Nintendo console. "Here, let me just..." He turned the power off, then switched it back on. James scowled in frustration as the light on the power button of the NES flickered on and off, the title screen reading "Back to the future" as clear as day every time it went on, almost as if the inanimate machine was mocking him.
"Goddamn fucking son-of-a-bitch!" The two mares jumped with a start as The Nerd roared at the inoperable device. "Fucking 72 pin connector went out again!"
"Nerd?" Twilight sparkle addressed.
"What?"
The lavender alicorn placed her hoof against her chest, breathed deeply, and stretched her foreleg out, as if she had gathered her tension and released it like a bolt of negative energy channeled through her arm.
"Heil Hitler?" The Nerd jeered.
"No!" Twilight barked as she stamped the ground. "Just try it with me."
The lavender alicorn beat her wings and hovered next to the irate human. She closed her eyes, placed her hoof against her chest, then opened one eye to be sure The Nerd was emulating her.
He frowned at her for a moment before sighing in defeat. He placed his hand over his chest, and watched as twilight demonstrated the rest of the therapeutic technique to him.
James took in one deep breath, held his hand out, and exhaled slowly.
"Better?" She asked cheerfully.
"Yeah," replied The Nerd reluctantly.
"Hm?" Twilight hummed quizzically as she placed her hoof to her ear.
"Yeah, alright? I feel better! Radiant sunshine is just illuminating from my asshole, and a happy little daisy just sprouted from my cock!"
Perturbed by his ire, Twilight backed away.
The Nerd ejected Back To The Future from the NES console and inserted it into the top loader. "The top loader never fails," he stated appreciatively before looking up at the screen to see it doing the same shit the grey box was doing earlier.
"Hm, looks like the top loader just failed," Rarity commented.
"First time for everything, I suppose," Twilight Sparkle added.
"But, the top loader never fails!" The Nerd complained. "This fucking beast is able to play even PAL formatted games!"
"PAL format?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah, you know. The PAL format?"
"No, darling. I'm afraid I don't know."
"Phase Alternating Line," The Nerd explained. "PAL is the acronym of the coding system that is utilized for European manufactured NES consoles, when in North America, we utilize the NTSC coding line. The Top loader is able to play any game from any region, excluding Japanese manufactured Famicom games.
The two mares stared dumbly at The Nerd, as if he had just told them to go fuck Mr Ed in the exhaust port of the Deathstar.
The Nerd let out an exasperated sigh. "It specifies the region lock of the game," James disambiguated.
"OOOHHH!" The two mares said as they shared a shrug, feigning comprehension of The Nerd's autistic tech-lingo.
The Nerd pensively stroked his chin as he thought of his next coarse of action. "I could order a new pin connector from Amazon, but that would take about a week." He looked at his computer in the corner of the room. "I could boot up the Jnes emulator, but these games just don't have the same feel to them as the genuine product." The Nerd looked at the WWJD bracelet on his wrist. "What would Indiana Jones do?" He asked himself.
"I got it!" James said enthusiastically, scaring the hell out of the two mares who sat on his couch. James quickly drew open the blinds on his window to let the sunlight into his game room, he then crouched and reached under his couch, withdrawing the mystical staff of Ra from it's hiding place.
"Oh, Celestia, no!" Rarity grimaced. "He's going to bludgeon us. I knew this was going to happen! His rage has finally seethed into murderous intent"
Twilight Sparkle reached over and shook her neurotic friend violently. "Calm down!" She demanded. "He may be an asshole, but he's not a monster!"
Rarity took a cleansing breath and relaxed. "If you say so, Twilight. As one of my best friends, I trust yo—
Twilight Sparkle slapped her across the face, insisting once again that she calm down, until she felt a tap on her shoulder. Twilight looked behind her to see the Nerd's guitar guy standing over her.
"Hey, James needs a hand." He explained. "I'll take it from here."
"Alright, then," Twilight Sparkle hovered off the couch to go join the Nerd, as the guitar guy drew his Gibson Les Paul back and struck Rarity over the head with it. "Everything is going to be fine! Just calm yourself!" He roared before striking her again, sending her flying into the arm on the side of the couch.
The guitar guy then felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked back and beheld the Joker from The Nerd's batman video. "Hey, James just realized that twilight sparkle doesn't have a set of hands, you think you can go help him? I can take it from here."
"Alright." The guitar guy released the battered mare and slung his guitar over his shoulder before he set off to assist The Nerd.
"Calm down!" The Clown Prince of Crime demanded, grabbed rarity around her neck, forehanded her across the muzzle, then backhanded her. "Everything is going to be fine, I promise!"
The joker felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to behold Jason Vorhees standing over him.
"Let me guess: the nerd needs another set of hands?"
Jason slowly nodded in response.
"Just like old bats himself" The Joker sighed. "He'd be nothing without me." The Joker turned around and gave Rarity one more parting slap before he released her and set off to join Twilight Sparkle, The guitar guy, and James, who accompanied each other to drag a large, heavy treasure chest from the upper tier of his home. "Take over for me, would you? The lady is in quite the frenzy," The compassionate clown requested before laughing hysterically and skipping joyously out of the room.
Jason slowly turned his head and set his cold, lifeless gaze upon the bruised and bloodied Rarity, as Mike Matei, Freddy Krugar, Leather Face, Spider-Man, The lion from the wizard of Oz, and the Ninja from the Ninja Gaiden video all lined up behind The hockey masked serial killer-zombie, ready to offer their assistance in soothing the frantic mare.
