The Ticket Master
"Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope,” Spike said as he picked through the cigars in the liquor store. Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were also perusing the wide range of cigars.
Looking over a White Owl, Applejack spoke up. "Yo, peace for gettin' da papers, son. Da old earth gon' love dis."
"But your granddad don't even smoke," Twilight replied, smelling a Black & Mild.
"Ain't nothin' but bells, man. Even da old earth gotta blow, mah nigga."
"What is she saying?" Spike asked, looking through the aisle.
"Even old people gotta smoke."
"Oh, that makes sense,” Spike said sarcastically.
The small dragon dug through the seemingly endless collection of tobacco, scanning prices and determining how much marijuana he could fit inside the papers. His eyes grew wide as he saw—tucked away near the back of the rack—three fat, long, bangin'-ass-lookin' cigars. Pulling them out, Applejack nodded and smiled.
"Mmm. Dem shits is thick, yo."
"Your grandparents can't smoke this shit, nigga." Twilight motioned to the cigars. "They'd die."
"And? Joes be buyin' it all day, son. Ain't nothin' but some stats, nahmean?"
"Translate, Twilight,” Spike said.
"People die all the time. It's nothin' but a thang."
"You got dat shit straight. He talked to me 'bout the bones, so he ain't hear no talk back. Gotta stay right to the old earth, nahmean?"
"I hear ya. Let's just pay for this shit and go."
Walking to the register, the owner of the liquor store, an elderly mare by the name of Skipper smiled at them. Normally, Applejack would have just snuck the cigars out of the store, but Skipper was an old friend of theirs.
"Ey, App'jack, goo'a see ya'gain,” Skipper said jubilantly.
"What's the haps, ol' mare?" Applejack asked, handing Skip the cigars.
The clerk looked at them and huffed. "Na' App'jack, ah knuh' fuh a fac' yo' ain' no smoke'. Yo' 'on't bah' no tobacca."
"Dey fer a homie."
"Na' Ah knuh' at's a lah. 'Ey c'n co' in heah 'emsel's." Skipper leaned in close. "Y' ain' smoke' mariju'a, a' ya?"
Applejack looked away and rolled her eyes.
"Ah knew it. Ni'as dese day'. Alway' smoke' 'at marijua', ain' worr'in bout' nuh consequence er nuh'in."
Skipper sighed and scanned the cigars. "'At'll be twel' thir'y fi'."
Applejack reached into her jacket pocket and put forth the money.
As the three walked out of the building, Skipper's voice could be heard. "Na' stay ou'a trou'l."
They walked down the street towards Twilight's apartment. Her eyes scanned every pony that walked by, every car that passed, watching for any danger. Ponyville was a dangerous city. It wasn't like the small little town of Manehattan. Ponyville was huge—the biggest city in Equestria by far. It was also the most dangerous. And then there was Twilight Sparkle, the most notorious gang-banger in the most notorious city in the country. Nobody fucked with Twilight and expected to live much longer. The cops tried to pin her a few times, but they couldn't find anything on her.
Twilight was tough, ruthless, feared... and she absolutely hated it.
She just wanted a normal life. A house. A family. A backyard. But getting out of the hood isn’t something you just do overnight. The stallion wants to keep the unicorn down. Fortunately, Twilight was a strong, independent unicorn who didn’t need no stallion.
Spike was her constant companion, ever since she found him abandoned under a bridge as a child.
He also had some kind of magical hoodie in which letters from the mob boss, Celestia, would appear in his pockets. Spike may have been just another hoodlum to most, but he had some pretty boss connections.
As the trio were pacing down the street, a bright green flash emanated from Spike’s hoodie pocket.
“Hey, Celestia is sending something,” the lil’ nigga said, reaching into his pocket. In his sharp-as-daggers claws were a large scroll and two shiny, golden tickets. Reading out loud, he transcribed the letter.
“Dear Twilight, what’s bangin’? It’s Celestia, just wanting to show you my appreciation for uh, taking care of that troublesome shop owner the other day. For your service, I wanted to give you these. I know how you like that booty-shaking-gorilla-music.”
Spike looked at the shiny tickets and gasped. “It’s two tickets to the Notorious P.I.E. concert!” he exclaimed, waving the two tickets in front of Applejack and Twilight.
“Notorious P.I.E.?” Applejack asked excitedly. “Dat nigga fo’ real! Twi, you gotta let a brotha ride dat shit, dawg!”
Spike turned to Twilight and scratched his head. “Um… what did she say?”
“Notorious B.I.G. is sick and I should let her go with me.”
Twilight then turned to AJ. “Sure, homie. I got no problem with-”
She was interrupted by a pegasus slamming into her side, knocking Twilight to the ground.
“What’s dis I hear ‘bout Notorious P.I.E. tickets?!” Rainbow Dash pulled herself off the sidewalk and brushed dust off her hooves. She turned to Twilight and narrowed her eyes, pointing at Applejack. “An’ ‘bout you givin’ ‘em away to dis nigga?!”
Twilight got herself off the ground. “Nigga, what did I tell you about slammin’ into me outta nowhere?”
“Don’t do it?”
“Damn right. One o’ dese days, I’m gonna think you’re a stickup kid and cap yo’ stupid ass.”
Rainbow Dash blew a raspberry and shook her head. “Whateva. Anyway, why you givin’ ‘em away to the first nigga you see, dawg? Don’t you remember dat you…” She paused and nudged Twilight in the side. “Owe me? For dat… thang?”
“Mention dat again in public, and just see how fast I whoop yo’ ass. And I didn’t say I was givin’ em away to nobody. Imma sell dis shit fuh like, 50 bits.”
“Whoa, hold up. You said you’d let me ride wit’ you, nigga. What done wit’ dat?” Applejack asked.
Dash smirked. “Clearly she changed her mind, dawg. Guess yo’ price is 50 bits!” she said, snort-laughing.
Applejack gave Rainbow a look. “Naw, homes, that’s not how brotha’s treat each otha’. Twilight, you really gon’ put tags on dat shit and just leave yo nigga out to dry?”
“Why do you even wanna go that bad, man?”
“‘Cause I need some new skins on my Caddy, man. That concert’s gon’ have so many bassheads, Imma be swimmin’ in cream when I sell them that dro by the mothafuckin’ pound.”
Dash pointed to a poster of the sick-ass ghetto rap band, “The Wu-Tang Herd,” displayed on a nearby graffitied wall. “Nigga, Imma gonna be joinin’ the Wu-Tang brothas! I know dey gonna be at the concert, an’ I’m gonna show ‘em ma moves, yo!”
“The Wu-Tang Herd? You mean the G-est rap group in da world? Nigga you can’t even spit,” Applejack jabbed.
Dash laughed. “Says the nappy-headed nigga! Jus’ watch dis flow right here.” She cleared her throat and began to get in the flow. Her hooves were sweaty, knees weak, forelegs were heavy...
“Yo, I’m the best rapper, and, stuff…
My rhymes are… pretty good, I guess…Peace”
AJ tried to hold back her laughter, but failed. “HAHA, nigga you can’t rap worth shit!”
Dash pulled one of her hooves back and glared at Applejack. “Say dat again, bitch!”
“You. Can’t. Rap. Worth. Sheeeeit,” Twilight repeated, also laughing hysterically.
The Pegasus rounded on the unicorn, but thought better of it. After all, she did have them fly-ass tickets. Dash spat on the ground. “Whateva. Anyway, jus’ give me the ticket, dawg!”
AJ shook her head, still giggling like a fool. “Naw, Vanilla Ice. Can’t rap, can’t go. She’s bringin’ me.”
“Look, I can’t bring the both of you. One of you is just gon’ hafta let the other go.”
“Aw man, looks like you gonna have to take one for the hood, homie.” Applejack said to RD.
“Like hay I am!” Rainbow Dash put her forehooves out and approached Applejack. “You wanna go, dawg? Huh? We’re already outside, homie, so we ain’t got no place to go but here! C’mon!”
“Nigga, whateva. You all bitch and no pimp, you ain’t gon’ do shiznit!”
Dash put her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “C’mooooooooooon, man! Ya know who deserves dat ticket, Twilizzle, an’ dat’s me, Rainbow Dash!” she declared, pointing her other hoof at her chest as she puffed it out. “If ya jus’ sell ‘em tickets, you don’t get to see Notorious P.I.E. neitha!”
“I was always a 2Pie fan anyways, but I guess you got a point. I kinda wanna see a P.I.E. show before I get outta da slums,” Twilight said, rubbing her chin in thought. “Let me think ‘bout this. I don’t know who Imma give da ticket to.”
“Fine.” Dash stuck her tongue out at Applejack. “We’ll see who’s da best nigga—an’ it ain’t the inbred one!”
“Well it ain’t the nigga-fuckin’ one either, ho,” Applejack said as she walked away.
The pegasus shot up into the air, her wings spread and her forehooves raised. “Bitch what did you jus’ say?!”
“Nigga, you got ears!” AJ yelled, continuing forward.
Dash flew over to a nearby balcony and pointed down at the mare. “Imma be watchin’ you, homie! Don’t you try an’ steal ma ticket! I’ve got connections, bitch!”
Twilight shook her head and headed down the street to the deli. Having stupid-ass homies makes a mare hungry.
Twilight kept her eyes on the ground as she made her way to the deli. She made this same trip over and over again, never changing, except for the occasional dead hooker in an alleyway. To put it lightly, she was tired of the same routine. She wanted something different, something peaceful and promising, something the hood could never give her.
Twilight kicked a stone she passed by and stopped in front of the deli. Making sure her gat wasn’t visible, she prepared to go inside. She was interrupted by a pink blur slamming into her. For a second before Twilight could get up, she saw the tickets land gently on Pinkie Pie’s nose.
“SPIDERS! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!” Pinkie yelled as she shot twin Mac 10’s at the tickets, missing every shot.
Twilight got off the ground, still covering her head. “Nigga, what the hell’s wrong wit you?”
Pinkie kept the automatics pointed at the two tickets, staring them down like a cowboy in a duel. “I thought those tickets was spiders!”
“So you shoot them?” Spike asked.
“Well yeah, homie, how else do I kill a spider?” she replied with a wide grin. Pinkie Pie hopped around as she tucked her weapons back in her hoodie. “Anyway, what’s on them tickets? Gimme, gimme, gimme!” she exclaimed as she bent down to scoop them up.
She observed the tickets, sniffing and biting down on them a couple times. “Yup, those is tickets, alright!”
“Nigga, you lyin',” Twilight said sarcastically.
Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened to the size of dimebags when she read the text on the tickets. “Notorious P.I.E. tickets?! Hell yeah, ma nigga!” She jumped up and started hopping uncontrollably on her tail. “Aww, shit! This is gonna be the most fly, hoppin’ party o’ the year! Thanks so much, dawg!”
“Wait a minute, hold on. I didn’t say a thang about you havin’ those tickets,” Twilight said, snatching the tickets back. “I don’t know who Imma give it to. Why do you even want tickets?”
“Because!!” Pinkie grabbed Twilight’s muzzle and began cackling in a disturbingly high-pitched voice. “I’ll get to party with the same niggas who know 2Pie, an’ Maneshall Mathers, an’ Notorious P.I.E, o’ course! An’ there’ll be the finest green an’ tons o’ drink, an’ we gonna get high as kites, dawg!”
“True dat, homie. But AJ and RD had good reasons to go too. Well, AJ did. RD was kinda foolish ‘bout it. Thinkin’ she’s gonna be in the Wu-Tang Herd.”
“Wu-Tang Herd is gonna be there too? SHIT MAN, you gotta let me go!” Pinkie said, shaking violently with excitement as the most maniacal grin spread across her face.
“Actually, I don’t gotta do shit. I hear you, dawg, but I can’t decide right now. Just let me get a sandwich or somethin’ before then, aaight?” Twilight said, stomach audibly growling.
Pinkie Pie nodded and threw up her gang sign. “Aaight, dawg. I’ll be seein’ ya later. Ya better not forget ‘bout Piiiiiiiinkie!” With that, Pinkie hopped, skipped, and jumped away, seemingly into nowhere, while laughing hysterically.
Twilight was glad to be alone, apart from Spike, for just a few moments. That temporary peace didn’t last long though, as Rarity was next to come out of the concrete woodwork.
“Yo, Twilight,” she said, walking over and glancing about the streets nervously. She wore a very fly hoodie, which was purple and green and decorated with several fine-cut diamonds. “What ya got there, dawg?” she asked, nodding to the tickets. “Got somethin’ fo’ me? I got somethin’ fo’ you…”
“Fool, I ain’t got nothin’,” Twilight replied, hiding the tickets behind her.
Rarity sparked her horn and directed her magic to Twilight’s hiding hooves. As she levitated the tickets, she said, “Nigga, don’t be lyin’! What are them tickets fo’? Huh?”
“I dunno. Why don't you read it, you illiterate mothafucka?”
Rarity paused for a moment, straining to read the writing. Then, she suddenly gasped, her eyes growing wide. “Notorious P.I.E?! You shittin’ me, dawg?! Two tickets? Awww, yeah!” She walked over to Twilight and threw a forehoof around her. “This can be my chance to meet the bitch o’ ma dreams, dawg! There’s gonna be some fly-ass bitches there who love the same rappers I do!”
“Nigga, you grow weed in yo’ basement fo’ money. You findin’ love is like me findin’ a favorable way of life. It probably ain’t gon’ happen, nigga. Let it go.” Twilight said, staring at the ground.
“That’s no reason to give up!” Rarity said, stomping a hoof. “C’mon, Twilight! Ya gotta at least give me a chance, homie! I’m sick o’ comin’ home to a cold basement every night, ya dig?” She smiled at Twilight and begged, “Pleeeeease? I’ll give ya a cut o’ ma finest green…”
“Why would I need yo’ weed? I got my overseas shit. Them griffins grow it like hair over there. Best weed in the world. So get ghost, nigga, I gotta eat.”
“Yo,” said a deep, bold voice. The two mares and Spike turned around to see Fluttershy approaching them, her head hung low. “‘Ey, Twilight, what’s happenin’, dawg? Yo, Spike, Rarity. Whatcha got there, Twilight?”
Twilight sighed. “Two tickets to the Notorious B.I.G. concert. My ball and fuckin’ chain.”
“Ball an’ chain, huh?” Fluttershy looked up with a bold smile on her face. “Well, dawg, if you ain’t got anypony to give them tickets to, I sure would love to go! Some fine-ass bitches are goin’, an’ there’s gonna be some sweet weed there, too.”
“What?! You too?!” Rarity turned and scowled at Fluttershy. “Goin’ just fo’ bitches, huh?” She proudly put a hoof to her chest. “I’m going, but to find the bitch o’ ma dreams, not just some random ho!”
Fluttershy’s wings shot out as she cleared her throat. “Homie, don’t be playin’ that game with me! You’ve been whinin’ an’ cryin’ ‘bout findin’ a bitch for years now! You ain’t gonna make the move on’ ol’ Blueballs!”
“His name is NOT Blueballs, nigga!” Rarity shot back. “It’s Blue Blood, an’ he’s the best bitch in all o’ Equestria! An’ he’s gon be mine!”
“Fuck wit’ dat bitch, and syphilis is gonna be yours, too.”
Rarity harrumphed and threw her nose up at this. “Don’t you be believin’ them papers, Twilight! He’s the baddest bitch in all o’ Equestria, an’ if you don’t give me that ticket, Imma lose ma chance!”
“She’s full o’ shit, homie,” Fluttershy countered, glaring at Rarity. “She’s jus’ gonna say that an’ puss out like last time Blue Blood got within a hundred miles o’ here!”
Twilight stepped in between them. “Quitchya bitchin’, both o’ you. I’m seriously about to give these fuckin’ tickets to the first bum I see and tell him it’s toilet paper. Now shut yo’ shit up, and let me eat!”
With that, Twilight walked onto the deli patio and left her bickering friends behind.
As the homies dispersed, Twilight sat at a table and began picking sugar packets out of the holder.
Spike saw her and asked what she was doing.
“Spike, I don’t know what da fuck Imma do about this. Do I bring Applejack or Rarity? Rainbow or Fluttershy, or maybe Pinkie Pie?” Twilight flipped a packet on the table after mentioning each friend. “I just can’t make a decision.”
As if on instinct, Twilight ripped the tops off the packets and dumped the sugar into her mouth.
“I can’t make a decision either,” said Spike, looking over the menu. “They have Guinness beer and Budweiser, and I don’t know which one I want. I could save some money with the Bud, but still, that’s like saving money by drinking piss-water. You know what I mean?”
Twilight simply glared at her companion when a voice from beside her asked, “Have you made a decision?”
Twilight pulled out a pistol and pointed it at the stallion standing beside the table. “Nigga, if you ask me about that ticket ONE more time!”
A claw tapped on her shoulder. “Twilight, he wants to know what you’re ordering,” Spike said, pointing at the frightened waiter.
“Oh… I’ll have a Manehattan Sub.” Twilight slid five bits to the waiter. “Sorry ‘bout dat.”
The waiter said nothing but wrote down her order and carefully moved away from the table.
“Thanks. And don’t call the cops!”
“Smooth, Twilight,” Spike commented.
“Shut ya mouth.”
While the two waited for their orders to arrive, neither noticed the stormclouds above begin to unleash a torrent of rain upon the ghetto. When the waiter finally poked his head out from the deli, he carried over the two plates and pints of beer and set them down. “Here you are, your lunch.”
“Word up. Peace,” Twilight said, laying down the money on the table. The waiter took it and went back inside.
Before either Spike or Twilight could take a bite, the waiter opened the deli door and called out to her, “Madame, are you going to eat your food in ze rain?”
It was only then that Twilight noticed the rain falling around her. Too proud to make the waiter think a little rain could make her leave, she simply replied, “Yep.”
“Suit yourself,” he replied, going back inside.
Twilight thought it was strange that everything around them was getting wet, except them. She finally looked up to see a bright hole in the rainclouds, where Rainbow Dash was smiling at them from above.
“Yo, what up? It’s ma two favorite homies!” Dash called down, grinning. “How’s it goin’, best homie, best dawg o’ mine?”
Twilight immediately knew what was going on. “Rainbow, if you’ tryin’ to bribe me into lettin’ you have that ticket, yo’ wastin’ yo goddamn time.”
Dash put a hoof to her chest and looked away innocently. “Me? Oh, no, no, no! Homie don’t play that way, my nigga! I’m just helpin’ out a homie who doesn’t wanna get caught in the rain. The best homie, that is,” she added with a wink.
“It ain’t gon’ work, foo',” Twilight yelled.
“But I wasn’t tryin’ anythin, homes. You know me!”
“Nigga, shutchyo cloud!”
Dash groaned. “Whateva,” she grumbled as she zipped up the cloud cover.
"Thank Faust,” Twilight said, about to take a bite of her sandwich, only to be interrupted by the onslaught of water droplets. She dropped her sandwich and groaned. “Perfect.”
Spike started howling with laughter, almost knocking his beer off the table at the sight of Twilight with her mane soaked.
A loud gasp startled both of them. Rarity walked up to the table, her eyes wide. “Nigga, it’s rainin’.”
“Sheeeit,” Twilight replied in aggravation. “I didn’t even notice.”
Rarity gasped and grabbed Twilight by the forehoof. “C’mon, dawg! Let’s get you to ma basement an’ get you all nice an’ pretty-like!”
Against her will, Twilight was forced into Rarity’s home. Shaking the water out of her mane, Twilight was glad to be out of the storm. She noticed her mane-water had soaked Rarity.
“Oh. My bad,” Twilight apologized.
Flicking the water from her mane with one quick motion, Rarity said, “Naw, dawg, it’s all good. C’mon, homie, let’s get you in some nice, warm threads. I bet youze is cold from the rain.”
Before Twilight could protest, Rarity dragged her down into her basement. Along with the rows and rows of budding marijuana plants, there were several large wardrobes, each containing a stellar lineup of superfly threads. Rarity opened one with one hoof, undressed Twilight with the other, and slapped the new clothes on her in the blink of an eye.
“No, no, not fly enough!” Rarity said, shaking her muzzle. She grabbed a different hoodie.
“Aw, shit, that’s just weak!” Rarity muttered, trying a different thug hat.
“Hmm…” Rarity looked at her newest creation. “Needs more diamonds.” She rustled through a few drawers and slapped some bling on Twilight.
“There! How does that look, homie?” she asked as she threw a large chain with a “T” at the end over Twilight’s neck.
Twilight was pleasantly surprised. “Pretty thuggin’, mah nigga. Where’d you find all this?”
“Oh, just a few o’ ma connections, is all,” Rarity said, leaning against Twilight. “An’ you know what’s even better?”
“You got bitches hidin’ in that wardrobe?”
Rarity grinned. “No, but!” Using her magic, she levitated a matching hoodie, hat, chains, and set of diamond jewelry. “I have the exact same outfit, dawg. We could wear these fly threads at the concert, an’ get a whole gaggle o’ bitches! It’ll be just you an’ me, an’ all ‘em niggas will see—Rarity, the fliest, most gangsta unicorn ever!”
“You forgettin’ somepony?” Twilight stared at her friend.
“Oh!” Rarity looked away, a nervous smile on her face. “An’, uh, Twilight Sparkle, too! Ma best homie! Heh, heh…”
Twilight pushed Rarity away. “Nigga, you ain’t slick. I see what you doin’. Yo’ tryna get dat ticket. Well, that shit don’t fly wit’ me, homie!”
“But, but—”
“No buts, no whats, no coconuts, nigga. Yo’ gonna have to wait for my decision like everypony else.” Twilight made her way to the door, putting on her plain black hoodie. “Now if you’ll quit bein’ a fool, Imma get some lunch already!”
Rarity pouted, stomping her hooves on the basement floor as Twilight started to leave. “Goddamn it!”
Twilight only made it a few feet before Applejack popped out of nowhere.
“Yo, somepony say lunch?” the earth pony said before dragging Twilight to a cart-full of apple food.
AJ started displaying all her foodstuffs. “Check this shit out yo. I got dat dro-ass apple pies, you get high as the sun off dat shit, man. I got dapple fritters. I name ‘em dat cuz one bite, and you dapper than a mothafucka. I even got apple guice to wash it down. It’s spelled with a G cuz it’s about two-thirds malt liquor, and only real G’s can handle it.”
Twilight looked over the treats in amazement, but knew what was happening.
“So whaddaya beckon, mah main nig?”
Twilight stepped away and got angry, very angry. “NO! I ain’t gonna accept yo’ punk ass bribe, you punk-ass nigga! You stupid shits’ been ridin’ mah dick like a rollercoaster this whole day! I ain’t dealin’ with it no mo’! Just leave me the hell alone!” Twilight ran off into the direction of her house.
“So is that a no?” Applejack yelled.
As soon as Twilight stepped into her home, the sight of Fluttershy cleaning off her shelves of electronic equipment startled her. “Oh, hey, ma homeboy, what's happenin',” Fluttershy said, her deep voice sounding quite kind.
Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes. “Et tu, Fluttershy?”
“What?” Fluttershy blinked and kept cleaning Twilight’s Xbox. “You talkin’ fancy now, homie?”
“It’s Latin, moron. And you’re supposed to be the smart one.” Twilight sighed. “I didn’t expect you to do this. RD definitely, Applejack sure, but you? Man, fuck these tickets.”
“Aww, c’mon, homes!” Fluttershy gestured to the shelves she had just cleaned. “I just did this for you, homie! Just because we’re friends! That’s all.”
Fluttershy's pet bunny hopped out of the pocket on her hoodie and smacked her across the face.
“Oooh, that’s right,” she muttered, rubbing her cheek. She looked at Twilight. “I am jus’ doin’ this fo’ the ticket. Heh.”
“Well then I’m ghost, nigga. Come back when you ain’t bein’ such a jackass.” Twilight walked out of her door, only to find herself in the midst of a large gathering of ponies.
“What the hell is—” Twilight was interrupted by being thrown into the air. She could hear Pinkie Pie rapping above the commotion.
“Twilight Sparkle, this mare be the niggest
Hustlin’, bustin’, and gettin all of the bitches
When you see a purple unicorn on yo’ block
Don’t fuck wit’ her or your fuckin’ with the 9 glock
On the sickness scale, she’s syphilis
Sicker than the average MC, ridiculous
Meticulous is the way she likes to kick it
And I’m rappin’ cuz I really really want that ticket
Now everypony say ‘give Pinkie the ticket!”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
“Give Pinkie the ticket!”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
“Give who the ticket?”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
“Give Pinkie the ticket!”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
As the song wrapped up, Twilight fell onto her back. It was hard to stomach the pink pony's audacity.
“Pinkie, I cannot believe this shit. At least the other ponies didn’t make it THAT obvious.”
“Make what obvious, Twilight?” Pinkie cackled and helped Twilight to her hooves. “That you’re the best homie a Pinkie Pie could ever ask for, an’ that we’re gonna have a hell o’ a time at the biggest concert in Equestria?”
“Wait, what concert?” one of the other ponies asked.
“Don’t you know? Only the Notorious B.I.G. concert featuring 2Pie and the Wu-Tang Herd!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly.
The other ponies gasped and it wasn’t long before she was bombarded with compliments and offers for favors.
“I’ll water your flowers.” One pony offered.
“I don’t have flowers.”
“I’ll press your hoodie!” another yelled.
“It’s cotton. You can’t press dat shit.”
“I’ll shine your bling!” a stallion called out.
“I wouldn’t let you shine my shoes, nigga.”
“I’ll suck your dick!” a mare proposed.
“Wh—I don’t even have a dick!”
“I’ll let you put your horn in my ass!” the same stallion offered.
“That sounds like me doin’ you a favor.”
The crowd of ponies began to surround Twilight and Spike, each offering their own useless or perverted favors. Eventually, they completely circled around them, all wanting one of those Notorious P.I.E. tickets.
“They’re surrounding us,” Spike said, himself and Twilight back-to-back. “Do we shoot ‘em?”
“Not yet. Just follow me.”
Twilight turned her horn to one side of the crowd and fired a blast of energy, clearing some of the ponies. With Spike in tow, Twilight ran to anywhere other than there, and the army of ticket-beggars followed. It seemed like they ran and hid all over Ponyville. She didn’t know why, but for the whole chase, a symphony of banjos played wherever they went, almost making their predicament charmingly humorous.
It didn’t take long before the insane ponies chasing them cornered the duo in an alleyway. The ponies were closing in on them and Twilight wasn’t sure what to do. There were just too many to shoot.
In some desperate attempt, Twilight focused her magic into her horn and imagined being somewhere not overrun by pedestrians. She closed her eyes, and in an instant, the noise and commotion faded away.
Opening her eyes, Twilight could see they were in her crib. Spike was teetering and spotted in ash, apparently resistant to the spell.
“Ugh. Now I know what a blunt feels like,” Spike said.
“Quit bitching,” Twilight said. “Lock everything!”
They did just that. Every door and window in the apartment was locked, the lights cut, and the phones disconnected, like the po-lice were hot on their hooves.
Thinking that the coast was clear, Twilight sat on her haunches and took a few breaths. It was then that a light suddenly came on.
Twilight turned around, her eyes wide. Standing at the top of the stairs were Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy, all with huge, toothy grins (some of which had spots of gold.)
“GOD DAMN IT! I can’t decide, aaight?! All o' y'all have good reasons to go, with the exception of Rainbow! And I wanna take all o' y'all, but I can't! Two tickets, six ponies! Dat shit just don't work, niggas! And all these favors and shit ain’t doin’ a damn thing to help me!”
“Twilight, we just came to tell you we were wrong to put pressure on ya,” Applejack said, putting a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Now I don’t usually do all dis gay shit, but it wasn’t dapper to do dat to ya. If it’s bangin’ with you, I don’t even want the ticket.”
Fluttershy flew over and put her hoof on Twilight’s other shoulder. “Yea, dawg, I’m sorry ‘bout that, aaight? I didn’t mean to hurt ya, homie. You can give the ticket to some other nigga.”
“I don’t want it eitha’,” Pinkie threw in. “The ticket just ain’t worth bein’ a shitstain.”
Rainbow landed beside Twilight and rubbed the back of her head. "Same here, homes. I was bein' kind of a biznitch. I don't want the ticket anymo'."
Rarity nodded and brushed some mane from her eyes. “Me neither, dawg. Don’t wanna be seein’ ma best homie get all upset jus’ because I wanna see that Blue bitch. Bros before hoes, amirite?”
“Damn straight.” Twilight brushed her forearms off. “Spike, get a paper and pen. We got a letter to write.”
Spike retrieved a piece of paper and a pen, and waited for Twilight to continue.
Celestia,
I learned something today. I learned that your friends can be bitch-ass niggas sometimes, but it ain’t coolio to pick favorites. It’s not like choosing a type of weed or a bitch off the red-light district, your homies are homies 4 life. Even if they act like punks on occasion. Since we couldn’t decide who gets the extra ticket, here’s my ticket. I don’t want it. I’m not even that big of a P.I.E. fan anyways.
From,
Twilight Sparkle
PS: Rainbow says hi. What a dumbass.
When Spike finished, he rolled it up, pulled out a lighter, and lit the end of it. The ashes whisked away towards wherever Celestia was.
A few seconds later, Spike felt something drop into his magic hoodie. “What the—” He reached back into the hoodie’s pocket and yanked another scroll out. “Hey, Twilight! Celestia wrote us back, just like that!”
“Dope. What does it say?”
Spike read over the words.
“Dear Twilight, that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. If you needed more tickets, you should have asked me. Here’s four more,” Spike read, four golden tickets sliding out of the scroll, much to the other ponies’ delight.
“Damn, that solved itself quick,” Twilight noted.
“There’s more. It says: And tell Rainbow Dash she still owes Luna for that definitely-not-oral sex she definitely didn’t give her.”
Rainbow Dash looked away and crossed her forehooves. “Pfft. Tell Celestia I definitely don’t owe her for that definitely-not-oral sex, an’ that I definitely won’t be hittin’ up Luna's basement tonight.”
Twilight decided that would be a good time to go upstairs and call it a night.
“Fuck you, everypony.”
“Fuck you too, Twilight,” they all called back.