> The Nine Trials
>  by InspectorSharpWit
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Prologue
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Prologue, or “In Which Chaos Sets the Stage”

Multicolored lights surround me, swirling at a dizzying pace around my feet. I turn around, trying to keep up with them all. They whisper to me in differing voices, some quiet, some loud.
Let’s focus on crushing the former rulers…
They must feel the pain that we have…
You know better than to mouth off to our ruler!
You know you can’t, simply because you don’t have the guts to…
SILENCE!!!
The sounds of drums begin to fill the air, getting faster and faster and louder and louder until they blocked out all of the voices. A cackling laugh pierces the air suddenly-
I wake up with a start, sweating like mad. What the hell was that?! I ask myself as I start to calm down.
“Sebastian?” a tired voice ask me. “Y’all alright, sugar cube?”
I turn to see that Applejack is at my side. I feel a wave of guilt run through me as I notice her worried expression. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say in a voice much shakier than I would have liked it to sound. “I just a bad dream, that’s all.”
“Again?” she asks, peering at me in a protective manner. “That’s the sixth one this month!”
I try to laugh it off. “Maybe I should lay off the hot sauce before bed,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
She doesn’t buy the act. “Alright, Sebastian, what’s goin’ on?” she ask sternly.
I sigh and turn away from her. “It’s nothing, ok? Just go back to sleep.”
She turns me over roughly so that I’m facing her again. “Look here, sugar cube, y’all have been jumpier than a cricket on a hot griddle for the past few weeks. Wither y’all tell me just what the hell’s goin’ on, or Ah’m gonna have to shove mah foot up yer ass.”
I groan in defeat. “Fine, I’ll tell you. But you’ve got to promise not to judge me, alright?”
She props herself on her elbows and nods. “Ah promise,” she says solemnly.
I take in a deep breath and tell her everything: The drums, the midnight walk, the voices, the drums, and the dreams I’ve had since that faithful encounter. The last thing I mentioned was how eerie the statue seemed afterwards. After I was done, I look to her expectantly. “So what do you think?” I ask tentatively.
She looks at me seriously. “Sebastian,” she says in a low, grim voice. “ya can’t trust Discord about anythin’. He ain’t tryin’ to help out. He ain’t tryin’ to warn us. All he’s fixin’ to do is cause chaos! If he’s talkin’ to you, what we need to do is get the Princesses to strengthen the spell around the statue to make sure that crazy bastard never gets out!”
I look at her, stunned. “But think of all the information he just gave us! We know that Blueblood’s planning something! We know that he knows that you guys are here! He’s got the Doctor in his clutches! You’ve got to admit, Discord’s given us a huge leg up here!”
She looks at me, fire in her eyes. “Now you listen here, boy,” she says menacingly. “Discord is not trying to help us! Odds are he probably made the vision you saw just to drive you nuts!”
I huff and jump out of bed. “You see, this is why I didn’t want to tell you!” I growled, and I grab my things and stomp out of the room.
As soon as I leave, however, I feel a stab of remorse run through my gut. What the fuck, man? I groan inwardly to myself. She’s just trying to help!
I sigh and go back into Applejack’s room to find her wrapped in the covers. “Applejack?” I say tentatively.
“Go away,” she grunts.
I sit down next to her and put my hand carefully on her back. “I’m really sorry about my little diva tantrum,” I say quietly.
She snorts in derision. “LITTLE diva tantrum?”
I grin wryly. “Ok, I went full-bitch, alright? Is that good enough for you?”
“Nope,” she said bluntly, burying herself into the pillows.
I sigh. “What do I have to do to make it up to you?”
She stays silent for a moment before looking at me with a devious smile. “Sing that bitch song by the gay feller.”
My face falls at the request. “Please, anything but that!” I plead.
She turns up her nose and crosses her arms. “Then Ah guess you can’t make it up to me!”
I groan and stand up. “Fine,” I say in defeat.
She lets out an uncharacteristically girlish giggle and reaches in her nightstand. Within seconds, she pulls out a pink feather boa and tosses it in my face. “Go ahead, bitch-boy!” she smirks.
I sigh and wrap the damn thing around by neck. Twirling it around my fingers, I channel the late Elton John and strike a pose: (0:54 to 1:16)
“Imma BITCH, Imma BITCH, oh the bitch is back! Stone cold sober, as a matter of fact! Imma BITCH, Imma BITCH, cause I’m better than you! It’s the way that I do things! The things that I do! Oh oh oh!”
She roars in laughter as I finish my bit, banging her hand against the table. “Oh, Sisters, that gets me every time!” she cackles, nearly out of breath.
I glare at her reproachfully and throw the feather boa on her face. “I hope you choke on them,” I growl, plopping down next to her on the bed.
“Aw, are you gonna throw another hissy-fit, bitch boy?” she coos, wrapping her arms around me.
I roll my eyes. “I should have just kept on walking,” I sigh.
She chuckles and lies her head down on my lap. “Ah think I was a bit too harsh on you, sugar cube,” she admits, biting her bottom lip a little.
I smirk. “A bit?”
“Ah mean, Ah don’t think I explained mahself too well,” she goes on, ignoring my snide comment. “See, the last time Discord was out, it nearly cost meh friendship with tha gals. Ah don’t wanna risk that, especially not with you.”
“Oh, gag,” I grin. “Are you starting to get romantic with me, Jackie?”
She stays quiet for a while. “That’s another thing Ah wanted to talk about,” she admits, looking a bit redder. “Ah mean, we’ve been doin’ this booty-call stuff for a while, and Ah was wonderin’ if… If it can’t become somethin’ more.”
My body begins to seize up. “Oh… Jeeze, I don’t know, Applejack…” I say, scratching the back of my head awkwardly.
She draws away from me slowly. “What do you mean, you don’t know?” she asks defensively.
I look around, trying to think of a nice way to say it. “It’s just… When we set this up, we both agreed that there wouldn’t be any strings attached,” I say nervously.
Her eyes become downcast. “Ah guess you’re right,” she says softly.
“And I mean, we’ve had a lot of fun together these past few months, right?” I ask, hopeful for a positive answer.
She nods slowly, still not looking at me. “Ah suppose so…”
“It’s not that I don’t like you!” I say quickly. “In fact, you’re one of my closest friends! I share nearly everything with you! It’s just-“
“You ain’t ready for that kind of commitment?” she finished, fiddling with her hair.
“No it’s not that!” I say defensively. “It’s just… It’s complicated, alright?”
Seriously, someone should give you a calendar with original ways to break it to people that you don’t want to date them. A snide voice chuckles in my head. Here’s one: Why don’t you start a conga line! That way, I can see other people behind your back!
I try to ignore that voice and press on. “I mean, you’re kind of throwing me a curve ball, Jackie!” I say defensively. “We both agreed that-“
“Ah know what we agreed on!” she growled, moving to the other side of the bed. “Ah’m sorry for havin’ the nerve to think that it could be somethin’ more! Now, if you’ll excuse me, Ah’d like some alone time right now!”
I’d put my hand on her shoulder. “C’mon, Jackie, don’t be like that,” I plead.
She gives me a poisonous look. “Now!” she snarls.
I sigh and pick up my things. Looking to her for one last time, I sigh and step out of the room.
As I leave the room, I notice that Big Mackintosh, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith had been listening from the kitchen. As soon as I look to them, they quickly focus on their breakfasts. “How much did you hear?” I ask sardonically.
“What?” Granny Smith said loudly. “Ah can’t hear a thing! Ah’m gettin’ too old fer this!”
I chuckle a bit. “Please, the old lady routine won’t work on me.”
She gives me a smile. “Yer purty clever, boy, Ah’ll give you that.”
“Not clever enough to make this work, apparently,” I sigh, sitting down at the table. Big Mac wordlessly passes me a bowl of oatmeal, not even looking up.
“Quite frankly, Ah think Applejack’s the one getting’ her knickers in a knot!” she chuckled, pouring a liberal amount of sugar in my bowl. “Honestly, ya did have an agreement!”
I look at her incredulously. “You’re on MY side?!”
“Course not!” she scolds, smacking me upside the head. “Ah just think she’s over reactin’, that’s all!”
I sigh and spoon some of the oatmeal into my mouth. “At least this is good oatmeal,” I admit.
Granny Smith chuckles. “Apple Bloom made it.”
I look at the red-headed little girl and grin. “I’ve been wondering why you’ve been so quiet!” I laugh. “What’d you put in it, cinnamon?”
She looks down at her feet and sighs. “Why don’t you wanna be with Applejack?” she asked plaintively.
My face falls. “I don’t know, Apple Bloom,” I sigh. “I just don’t know.”
“Is it cause you like Twilight better?” she suggests.
“Now where did you hear that?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.
“That’s how it works in the movies,” she shrugs. “The secretary falls fer the boss, and they all live happily ever after or some crap like that.”
“Language,” scolds Granny Smith. She turns to me with a quizzical look. “Although Ah gotta agree with the young’un here, that is how it normally works.”
I think back to the promise I made Twilight a few months ago. “Maybe it does work like that,” I say, mostly to myself. Suddenly, shaking myself out of my thoughts, I put on a disciplined look. “No, that wouldn’t be fair to Applejack,” I say sternly. “I’m not going to start dating Twilight when I just told Applejack that I don’t want a relationship!”
“There’s a good boy,” Granny Smith says fondly, pinching my cheek. “Always a gentleman!”
Apple Bloom sighs and plays around with her oatmeal. “Do ya still promise to help me get to level 50 Cleric today?”
I smile fondly at the little girl. “You know what, Apple Bloom? I’ll help you get to level 60 so you can use that Sorcerer’s Blade you got in the Caves of Yor!”
Her face lights up. “Will Ah be able to beat Scootaloo’s Night-Elf then?”
I chuckle. “I’d be surprised if you couldn’t take down Dinky’s Troll!”
She grins and begins to gobble down her oatmeal at lightning speed. When she finishes, she gallops over to her room. “Ah’ll get with ya after Ah finish cleanin’!” she hollers.
“Remember to wipe down those windows of yers!” Granny called after her.
I laugh at little Apple Bloom’s antics. “I swear. Getting them into World of Warcraft was the best decision I’ve ever made!”
“Ah better one would be tah make up yer damn mind about Applejack,” Big Mac said quietly.
I shake my head and get up. “You’re right, I need to think about this,” I admit. “Tell Apple Bloom to bring her laptop down to my place so I can help her.”
Big Mac chuckles. “Ah’ll make sure to tell her.”
I grin thankfully and walk out the apartment. So… who will it be? I think to myself.
I begin to walk down the stairs, lost in my thoughts as I make my way to my apartment. Applejack’s great! She’s gorgeous, and funny, and outgoing… But Twi’s smart, just as gorgeous, and more stable! How could I possibly pick?!
Suddenly, I bump into someone in the hall. “Oh, sorry about that,” I say without looking up. “Didn’t see where I was going!”
“Lost in your thoughts, huh?” a familiar voice chuckles softly. I look up to see a grey-faced man in a brown striped suit grinning at me. He had big, mismatched red eyes, one iris bigger than the other, and wild white hair. A big, sharp tooth protruded from the front of his mouth, and he had a short white beard on his unusually sharp chin. “Maybe I can help?” he chuckled.
I’d gasp in shock and realization. “You can’t really be here!” I say breathlessly. “You’re supposed to be trapped in that statue!”
He lets out a gleeful cackle. "Oh, please,” he snorts in derision. “When has that ever stopped me?!”
I wake up with a start, sweating profusely. Was that all a dream? I ask myself as I look around frantically. It can’t have been… It was all so real…
I’d sigh and run my hand through my wet hair. “I just need some time alone right now,” I’d moan to myself. “Seriously, just give me a second to sort this all out!”
Almost as if the universe wanted to give me the bird, my door bursts open to reveal a pale skinned woman in a midnight blue military outfit as well as a night-sky hair. “SEBASTIAN FABIO ESPINOSA DE SALVADOR!” she bellows loudly. “YOUR PRESCENCE HAS BEEN REQUESTED BY THE ROYAL COURT OF EQUESTRIA!”
> Chapter The First
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the First, or “In Which the Chaos Combat Tactic Commences”

I blink stupidly at the Princess of the Night. “What?”
“YOUR PRESCENCE HAS BEEN REQUESTED BY THE ROYAL COURT OF EQUESTRIA!” She repeats in her Canterlot voice. “YOU MUST BE INTERROGATED ON THE CHARGE OF COMMUNICATING WITH A KNOWN ENEMY OF THE STATE. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN IMMEADIATE EXECUTION, FOLLOWED BY CASTRATION, FOLLOWED BY RE-EXECUTION.”
I’d raise an eyebrow. “Wait… If I’m dead, how could you kill me again?”
This seems to catch her off guard, as she cleared her throat and smiled sheepishly at me. “Uh… with much care and patience, We assume?”
I break out into a smile. “Ok, Luna, what’s going on? Is this another dream? Or another pathetic attempt to request a rematch?”
Her eyes grow hot white with rage. “YOU DARE MOCK ME MORTAL?!” She boomed, levitating off the ground. “I AM PRINCESS LUNA! RULER OF EQUESTRIA! ORACLE OF EUNOMIA! JUDGE OF FATE! And besides!” She pouts, breaking character once again. “Thou definitely used underhanded tactics in our last match!”
I chuckle. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game, Princess!”
She gives me a smirk. “Though We would relish the opportunity to wipe that insufferable grin from thy face, We are afraid that our request rings true. We are tasked with bringing you to Our Royal Suite for questioning.”
I sigh wearily. “Fine… I have the day off today, anyways.” I look to the Princess expectantly. “Aren’t you going to leave to let me change into my clothes?”
Her face becomes stony. “We are obligated to keep constant watch over you at all times,” she explains, as if she had practiced it to herself.
I grin. “You know, if you want a peep show, you could always ask nicely,” I wink.
Her pale face turns bright red. “We gain no enjoyment from this,” she says monotonously. “We are simply doing are duty.”
“Right… So this is just a benefit of the job?” I’d smirk.
“Do not flatter thyself, mortal,” she says coldly, though her face was still burning red.
Ok, how shall we go about this? I think mischievously. Just a strip tease, or something with a little more substance?
You are one sad, stupid idiot, aren’t you? I scold myself. I think we’ve already established the chaos that happens when you get yourself into this sort of thing?
Ah, but is Chaos really all that bad? A familiar voice asks silkily. After all, couldn’t we all use a little excitement?
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
This got me to panic. “Oh God, not again,” I moan, clutching my head.
Ra Ta Ta Ta
“What, what is going on?” Luna asks, concerned at my sudden change in mood.
“It’s him!” I say, gritting my teeth. “It’s Discord!”
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
Almost immediately, Luna flies to my side. “When did this start?” she asks urgently.
“I’ve been hearing him on and off again for the past two months,” I explain, massaging the sides of my head. “I don’t know how, but he’s been messing with my dreams and making snide comments in my head since I touched his statue!”
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
“We have known that part,” she assures me. “We have often noticed strange disturbances in thy dreams when we go on our rounds.”
“Wait, have you guys been monitoring me?!” I ask indignantly through the pain.
Ra Ta Ta Ta.
Luna blushes. “It was not out of suspicion!” She says sheepishly. “We were simply curious on what you would dream about!”
“You know what, forget it! Just stop these damn drums!” I holler, my head feeling as if it were about to explode.
RA TA TA TA!
Quickly, Princess Luna puts both of her hands around my face. “Sleep well,” she whispers urgently, and she presses her lips to mine. Before I can respond in shock, I start feeling extremely drowsy. The drums sound more and more muffled with each passing second, and my eyelids begin to grow heavier and heavier…

Some Time Later...

Ugh… What just happened? I groan inwardly as my eyes open reluctantly. A few faces come into focus, some familiar, some not. “Hello?” I ask, yawning a bit.
A collective sigh of relief goes throughout the group. “You gave us quite a scare, young man!” a small, red-haired woman smiles gently. She’s in what seems to be a 50’s nurse’s uniform, and she’s holding a clipboard. “You nearly went into comatose!”
“Ah, what joy we felt when you came to,” a dark-skinned woman smiled. She has a white-and-black Mohawk and is wearing a matching robe, and for some reason is holding a sky-blue leaf. “We owe great thanks to this herb of blue!”
The nurse frowns a little. “Actually, I think the adrenaline shots were what did the trick… But I suppose your little remedy helped a little.”
“Pardon me, miss, but that’s the wrong word choice. I almost suspect condescension in your voice,” the dark-skinned woman says coolly.
“Well, you have to admit, compared to my techniques, your leaves and herbs are, hmm, what’s the word… Cute?” the nurse mutters nastily.
“You mutter low, though your opinion’s high!” the dark-skinned woman snarls angrily. “Why not say it to this face of mine?!”
“Ladies, that’s enough,” a regal voice says in a scolding tone. I look up to see a beautiful woman in a long dress of white and a reproving look on her face. “You should be focusing on the patient, shouldn’t you?” She looks to me with a sweet smile. “Hello, Sebastian. I hope my Sister’s spell didn’t alarm you.”
I give Princess Celestia a grin. “Hey, what can I say? It was only a matter of time till even gods fell for me.”
The Princess chuckled. “I’m surprised you still have your sense of humor, given all that you’ve gone through today.”
“Actually, so am I… What spell did she cast on me, anyways?” I ask curiously.
The dark-skinned woman speaks up. “The spell is known as ‘The Kiss of the Night’. A spell designed to put to sleep those filled with fright.” she explained.
The red-haired nurse chuckled. “It’s a primitive form of an anesthesia,” she adds. “Good in a pinch, but dangerous if not controlled, especially in the doses you received!”
“Indeed, it is impressive that he is still himself,” the dark-skinned woman continued. “He received it from the Lips of the Night herself.”
The red-haired nurse rolls her eyes. “Anyways, the spell is guaranteed to provide a dreamless, anxiety-less sleep for the patient. Unfortunately, only a few known cases were reported where the patient woke up.”
“The answer is quite clear, you see; the art of modern medicine is as bleak as can be!”  The dark-skinned lady laughs triumphantly. “There is no comfort in hospital rules! Nor cold, sterile doctors with their grisly tools!”
“Ladies, I said no fighting!” Celestia said reprovingly. She gives me a sheepish smile. “Sebastian, this is Nurse Redheart and Zecora. Do you remember them from the show?”
I grin in sudden recognition. *“Oh yeah, Zecora I remember you. You were awesome!”
Zecora beams with pride. “See? Even in this strange new place, I am recognized, so in your face!” she says mockingly, sticking out her tongue at the nurse.
Redheart scowls. “That doesn’t mean I’m not known here! I mean, you do know me, right?” she asks me pleadingly.
I look away nervously. “Uh… I have really bad memory with this sort of thing… But I’m sure others recognize you.” I grin sheepishly.
She sighs, downcast. “I can’t believe this witch-doctor is more recognizable than me.” she huffs.
“Do not fret, my dear little nurse.” Zecora grins wickedly. “Surely, those that remember you applaud from their hearse!”
“That’s enough, you two,” Celestia says firmly. “I’m sure Sebastian’s visitors want to see him, so give him some room.”
With a huff of anger, Nurse Redheart stomps out of the room. Zecora looks over to me fondly. *“Oh, little human, how you’ve brought me great joy! Now rest easy, and relax my dear boy.”
I chuckle. “I’m feeling better already, doc,” I say jokingly.
She chuckles and gives me a little wave before leaving the room. Finally, some time to think, I sigh inwardly. Now, let’s review the facts: I’ve been having absurdly realistic dreams for months. Apparently, these dreams are important enough to be examined by the Princesses themselves. They all seem to feature Discord in them in some way or another, and I’ve been getting headaches with those drums… I’d shudder at the thought of the cursed things. So does this mean Discord’s free? Why is he going after me, then?
The door slams open, interrupting my thoughts. “Sebastian!” Comes a unanimous cry, and I’m suddenly being squeezed to death by a group of multi-colored girls.
“Thank the Sister’s you’re alright!” Sighs the girl closest to me in relief. She has purple hair with a single pink stripe running down it, and is wearing a lavender dress shirt. “I thought you were hurt!”
“But now, we can have a super-duper awesome ‘get well’ party!” A bouncy girl in pink laughs excitedly. “”Won’t that be awesome?!?! It’ll have cake, and ice cream, and balloons, and-“
“Really, darling, you gave us quite a scare.” a refined voice says from somewhere beside me. “We were petrified at the idea that we could have lost you!”
“But you look cool now!” a brash, rainbow-haired girl says as punches me on the shoulder. "I don’t know what everyone else was freaking out about?”
“-and sequins and clowns and unicycles-,” the pink haired girl continued excitedly.
“Oh dear, I’m just glad you’re ok.” a girl with slightly lighter pink hair sighs in relief, hugging me tightly. “I would have felt just awful if you weren’t!”
“Course he’s ok!” a blonde girl laughed as she ribbed me in the gut. “Have you seen this guy in action?”
The girl with the light pink hair blushes dark red. “Well, actually yes I have,“ she admits shyly.
“-and blackjack and hookers!” The girl with the dark hair concludes happily. “You know what? Forget the hookers!”
Under normal circumstances, I would have been happy to be buried in beautiful women. Unfortunately, I can’t breathe with them on me all at once. “GAAACK!” I yell desperately.
Fortunately, they get the picture and hop off of me. “Thanks,” I gasp gratefully, sucking in a lungful of sweet air. “Now, I’ve got a question for you: Where are the guys?”
The happy atmosphere in the room diminishes a little. “They couldn’t make it,” Applejack says somewhat sadly.
“Why not?” I asked curiously. “And for that matter, where’s everyone else?”
“I think I can answer that,” Princess Celestia says. She enters the room with an unconscious little girl in her arms. The little girl looks oddly familiar, with hair that sparkled and shimmered like the night sky.
“What the hell happened to Luna?!” I ask incredulously.
Celestia smiles wearily as she places the mini Luna on the bed. “She gets like this when she’s extremely tired,” she explains, stroking Luna’s hair fondly. “She’s been busy since she put you asleep.”
“What exactly was she doing?”
Celestia sighed. “She’s been trying to restore order downstairs. It’s utter chaos downstairs; rainclouds of orange soda, chairs swinging themselves, dishes randomly spewing soap… And to top it all off, everyone’s been turned to chocolate!”
For some reason, I feel a drop of rage mingle with my alarm. “Did you say ‘chocolate’?” I ask in a deadly whisper.
The Princess nods slowly, apparently a bit weirded out. “That’s right: Chocolate statues,” she says warily.
I begin to feel an unnatural rage boil in me. “Chocolate? Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE!!!” I bellow, raving like a madman. “CHOCOLATE!!! CHOCOLATE!!!”
I see the others back away, seemingly alarmed. Celestia’s lips move frantically, as if they were trying to tell me something, but the rage blocks out their meaning. “CHOCOLATE!! HAHAHAHA!!” I cackle madly.
Suddenly, I’m back in control of my body. “What the fuck just happened?” I ask, alarmed.
All trace of previous happiness is gone, replaced with an eerie atmosphere of fear. All of them are looking at me worriedly, as if I were a ticking time bomb.
Fluttershy’s the first to speak. “Are you… Are you ok, Sebastian?” she asks meekly.
“Yeah, I’m fine now. But what the hell was happening before?!” I try to pull myself closer to them, but find myself restrained. Looking down at my wrists, I see that golden chains had been locked onto my arms. “What the fucking hell is going on?!”
“I’m sorry, Sebastian, but it was a necessary precaution.” Celestia said sternly. “You were raving like a lunatic about chocolate, and you might have gone after the girls!”
“But you know me!” I stutter, looking around for support. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
“But you aren’t the only one there,” Celestia explained quietly.
My eyes widen in sudden realization. “It’s Discord, isn’t it?” I ask meekly.
Fluttershy broke down into tears. “It was just so scary!” she whimpered. “You weren’t making any sense and we were scared and-“
“It’s like it wasn’t you anymore,” Twilight concludes, patting Fluttershy on the back calmingly.
Applejack shudders. “The worst part was them eyes,” she adds, saying it as if it were the unsavory detail of a corpse.
“Such a horrid shade of yellow,” Rarity agrees. “And the pupils were this mismatched blood red! Quite honestly, I was about to faint!”
I sigh and look at my hands. “So he’s in me right now?” I ask helplessly.
The Princess nods. “I thought we could protect you here from his influence, but it seems that the direct contact you had with him has forged a strong psychic connection between the two of you.”
“Wait, what makes this place so special?” I ask.
“Luna was always a bit paranoid,” she smiles wryly. “She put so many enchantments on the Royal Suite that I can’t remember them all. Now if only I’d let her cast them on the rest of the apartments…”
“Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” I say, forlorn. “He’s got the power to do whatever he wants to me no matter where I am!”
“Not unless we break the link,” Celestia affirms. “But that’s why we need you to come with us.”
I look up at them. “Wait, what?!”
Twilight sighs and puts on a steady face. “We believe that if we can trap Discord in a stronger bond, the chaos he’s wreaking now won’t occur again. Unfortunately, we found out that the room that holds his statue won’t let us in anymore. That’s where you come in.”
“You see, we were thinking that you can act as a key inside,” Rainbow Dash continues, moving her hands to elaborate. “You’ve got the biggest magical connection to Discord, so the door would recognize you as him!”
“But I thought you guys wanted to keep me safe here!” I protested.
“See, that was the original plan.” Applejack explains. “However, we just thought that he had a minor hold over ya, and the Princess here could sort ya out easy-peasy. Then, Discord would be forced to take physical form in his statue room, where we’d be able to cast the spell. Now that we know it’s much bigger than that, we might as well pull out the big guns and give you a shot.”
“Now, obviously, we’re worried about your safety, darling,” Rarity assures me. “But the odds are that the only thing that will happen is that Discord will take physical form and that we’ll be able to have the elements ready by then.”
“That way, we’ll take him by surprise!” Pinkie finishes triumphantly. “And we’ll be all like, ‘TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER!’ and he’ll be all like ‘NOOOOOO!’ It’s the perfect plan!”
I stare at them. “Did you guys plan all of that a few seconds ago?”
Pinkie shrugs. “The author just wants to explain all of this as soon as possible so he can get on with the story.”
I grab the bridge of my nose and groan. “Did anyone ELSE understand what Pinkie just said?” I ask tiredly.
Everyone shakes their head, apparently as confused as I am. Pinkie just scoffs. “You see? He’s OBVIOUSLY trying to make another ‘Pinkie can see past the fourth wall’ joke! Way to be original, InspectorSharpWit!”
I turn to Celestia. “Are you sure SHE’S not the one who’s possessed by Discord?” I say dryly.
“This is no time for jokes, Sebastian.” Celestia says sternly. “I realize the hectic nature of the situation may seem amusing, but Discord can’t be trusted to be docile for much longer. What we need to know is if you’ll agree to the plan.”
I sigh wearily. “At this point, I could listen to Pinkie’s rants right now, so I guess this isn’t too bad of a plan. How could it get any worse than this?!”
“You see!” Pinkie raves, pointing accusingly at the celling. “He’s trying to tempt Murphy’s Law! Honestly, GET SOME GODDAMN ORIGINAL MATERIAL!”
Applejack slaps Pinkie across the face. “Get a hold of yourself, girl!” she says sternly, shaking her a little by the shoulders. “We’ve got ourselves a serious shit-storm of chaos right here, and you’re off babbling about what you always do! Could you just stay serious for a sec, Pinks?!”
Pinkie, though shocked at first, quickly stands at attention. “Ma’am, yes ma’am!” she booms.
The rest of us just stare at the two before going back to the issue at hand. “So, are we just going to stand around here?” I ask half-jokingly.
Celestia smiles a little. “Your confidence is admirable,” she smiles. She snaps her fingers, and a golden glow surrounds me. Within seconds, I’m fully dressed.
“You should teach that spell to Luna,” I chuckle, observing my t-shirt and jeans.
The Princess gives me a puzzled look. “She didn’t use that spell?”
“Well no, she told me just to get undressed in front of her.”
“Why would she do that? It’s a simple spell. I can’t imagine why she would ask you to-”
“Is this really what we want to talk about right now?!” Rainbow Dash says sharply. “Let’s just go to that Discord and kick his gnarly old ass!”
“Well put,” Rarity smirks. “Let’s go for it, shall we?”
Fluttershy puts on a serious face. “For Sebastian.” She says simply, putting out her hand.
Twilight reaches out and grabs it. “For Equestria!” She declares.
“For justice!” Affirms Applejack putting her hand in as well.
Everyone else puts their hand in except me. “Well?” Twilight asks me expectantly.
“What the hell,” I sigh, reluctantly putting my hand in the group. “Let’s go, ladies!”
We all just stand there for a minute or so before Fluttershy speaks up again. “Um, can we start in an hour, because I need to go refill a prescription…? It’s ok if we don’t; I just wanted to ask…”
“And Ah gotta go tell my manager that Ah’m gonna miss a day of work,” Applejack adds sheepishly.
“Same here,” Rainbow Dash affirms. “Hartsfield-Jackson gets pissed if the pilots don’t show up on time.”
“And I’d like to pack a bag, just in case,” Rarity chimes in. “These things get awfully long-winded, you know.”
“Ooh, and snacks! We definitely need snacks!” Pinkie says cheerfully.
“Are you guys kidding me?!” Twilight asks incredulously. “This is about taking down Discord! Master of Chaos?! You think he’s just going to leave Sebastian alone while we go do our things?!”
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind waiting an hour either,” I reply sheepishly. “I didn’t get to take a shower this morning and I was sweating like a pig last night.” Noticing everyone staring at me, I realize how my comment was said out of context. “Oh, get your heads out of the goddamn gutter,” I say irritably.
Twilight sighs in exasperation. “What do you think, Princess?”
Celestia seems to be withholding a smile. “It would be better if Luna were awake…” she says thoughtfully. “Would you mind too much if we waited, Twilight?”
“No…” she says in defeat. “I guess I can polish the Elements or something…”
“Great! So we can all meet up in an hour outside of Discord’s room!” I say with finality.
“Actually, could you make it an hour and a half? I just want to tidy up a bit before I go,” Rarity smiles sheepishly.
Twilight pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance. “Sure, whatever!” she snaps. “Just get ready!”
> Chapter The Second
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Second, or “In Which Chaos Threatens Harmony”

I turn the shower off behind me as I step out, shaking my hair like a wet dog. “There we go, much better,” I sigh in relief as I observe how clean I looked in the mirror. You know, I could probably use a shave… I grab the razor on my sink, run it over some hot water, and slap some shaving cream on my face.
“Ah’ll never get why you shave so much,” a familiar voice chuckles behind me. I turn to see that Applejack was standing in my bedroom with a smug grin on her face. “Can’t you just let yer beard grow out?”
I sigh and wrap a towel around my waist before going out to greet her. “Well Jackie, some people like to stay clean,” I say in a condescending voice. “Unlike you hicks, I actually care about my appearances.”
She punches me on the shoulder. “Asshole,” she retorts, plopping down on my bed.
I laugh and go back to the bathroom to shave. “Did you already call your boss?” I ask conversationally.
“Yeah, he said it was fine,” she called back. “Turns out Ah have about ten sick days Ah haven’t cashed in yet, and the union was fixin’ to force me to go on a vacation anyways.”
“Oh, how awful,” I say sarcastically. “You know when my last day off was? My college graduation!”
“Well, all you do is sit in an office all day and argue with people!” she points out. “Ah’d kill fer a job like that!”
“That’s not true!” I say defensively as I wash the shaving cream off my face. “Sometimes I got to sit in COURTROOMS and argue with people!”
She laughs and lies down provocatively. “You know, we’ve still got about an hour to wait… Ya wanna have a little fun?” she croons.
I grab a small bottle of aftershave off of my sink counter. “Hmm, I dunno…” I say teasingly. “I just took a shower, and I don’t want to get all sweaty again…”
She gives me a little pout. “Aww, please? It’s almost been two days since we’ve had a good rut!”
“Oh no, what a nightmare!” I smirk, patting some aftershave on my face. “I’ll have to think about it, Jackie.”
She walks over to me and presses herself on my back. “All ya ever do is think,” she growls in my ear. “Now’s a time fer action.” She quickly yanks off my towel and starts pushing me towards the shower.
I grin and begin to unbutton her shirt. “Well, since you insist,” I sigh in mock exasperation.
Suddenly, a bright purple flash fills the room. “Hey Sebastian, I want to- Oh,” says Twilight, stopping dead at the sight of us.
I look at her like a deer in headlights. “Oh… Hi, Twilight,” I say lamely.
“Hi,” she squeaks back, cheeks burning bright red.
There’s a long pause before Applejack speaks up. “Uh, we’re kinda in the middle of something Twi,” she says bluntly. “If ya would be so kind to…  Ya know, leave?”
“Sure,” she says quietly, and teleports without another word.
Applejack looks back at me with a leer. “Now, where we?” she coos, kissing my neck.
I push her gently away. “Sorry, Jackie, I’m not in the mood,” I mumble softly, getting up.
Her face falls. “What?! Why the hell not?!”
“I’m just not in the mood, ok?!” I snap at her. “Just please… Get out so I can change.”
With a hurt glance behind her, Applejack walks out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. What did I just do? I asked myself. There used to be a time where I’d chop off an arm before just stopping sex! Now look at me… I mull these thoughts over while I pull some fresh clothes, completely absorbed in my thoughts.
When I’m done dressing up, I look in the mirror. “What’s up with me?” I ask myself.
“I think I might have an answer for that,” a voice chimes behind me. I turn to find Rarity on my bed, looking at her nails in a bored sort of way. “For once in your life, you have a problem that requires more than two brain cells of thought to fix.”
I jump at the sight of her. “How did you get there?!” I ask in alarm.
She looks at me reproachfully. “Twilight isn’t the only one with SOME magical talent, darling.”
“Ok, and now I have a follow-up question: How long were you there?!”
She gives me a smug little smile. “Long enough to see a bit of the drama. I must say, living here is quite entertaining.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose in annoyance. “Okay and yet another question for you: What exactly do you want here?!”
She gives me a seductive leer. “Well, what I WANT is for you to pin me to the ground and treat me like the naughty girl I am… But that’s not the reason I’m here,” she finishes, drawing herself up in dignity.
“Will you just get on with it already?!” I snap.
“Oh, relax, Darling.” she chuckles. “Haven’t you ever heard that patience is a virtue?”
“Ok, now I KNOW you’re purposely drawing this out,” I growl.
She lets out a tinkling laugh. “Well, alright… The reason I’m here is because I’m deeply interested on what’s going on here. This love triangle between you, Applejack, and Twilight is really quite amusing.”
“So you’re just here to rub it in my face how badly I’ve jammed myself into something I won’t be able to get out of? Thanks a lot, Rarity,” I snort in derision.
“Patience!” she says reprovingly. “Now, as I was saying, although I do find this love triangle quite amusing, there’s no way it can maintain its current state of tensions without being blown into something much bigger. Do you comprehend so far?”
“Yeah, I guess...”
“Good.” she says primly. “Now, the problem is that while Applejack and Twilight are rather close, at this state of mind, their relationship is rather strained. Twilight already has self-esteem issues, so this particular blow has left her feeling bitter. She tries to mask this by being overly amiable to Applejack. Applejack, being the sweet little dear she is, feels as if Twilight is trying to ‘horn in’ on her fun, and therefore is attempting to drive Twilight away. She tries being as blunt as possible so that Twilight will finally get the idea without hurting her feelings, and therefore feels that Twilight’s attempts at being nice are false and malicious. Do you follow my train of thought?”
I look at her, dazed and confused. “No.”
She sighs in exasperation. “The point is, darling, that you’ll have to pick soon before someone does something they’ll regret doing!”
“But who do I pick?!” I cry out in frustration. “They’re both great!”
“Well, if I were you, darling, I’d honestly pick Applejack,” Rarity admits.
I do a double take. “WHAT?!”
She giggles girlishly. “I love Twilight dearly, but she’s much too insecure, too easily ruffled, and tends to overthink things. Applejack, on the other hand, is well grounded, easy to read, and is delightfully simple-minded. Plus,” she winks, “she’s got a balcony you could perform an opera on!”
I give her a look. “Really, Rarity? A lady such as you making such uncouth remarks?”
She grins before becoming serious. “Let me continue: In addition, Applejack is much more flexible and would probably be open to more changes than Twilight would. You could probably maintain the same lifestyle you have now without her minding.”
“That’s just it,” I groan, “I don’t know if I want this kind of life anymore! Don’t get me wrong, I like having the freedom I have, but for some reason, it’s getting kind of stale.”
“I would imagine, after sleeping through half the female residents of the complex that you’d tire from it,” she leers.
“Hey! …Shut up!” I say defensively.
She sighs and gets up. “Well, I’ve done the best I could. I hope you make the right decision Sebastian.”
I nod stiffly. “Thanks, I guess,” I mutter.
She kisses me softly on the cheek. “It’ll all be alright, Sebastian,” she assures me. “Things always turn out to be.”
“I hope so,” I sigh.
She gives me a sad little smile and teleports away in a flash of blue, leaving me alone in my room. I turn to the cage at the corner of the room and pull out a snoozing pure-white ferret. “You know, Hermes, our life was so much easier before these damn ponies showed up,” I chuckle, stroking down his fur.
Hermes awakens quickly and crawls on my shoulder. “What, are YOU going to tell me what to do?” I ask sardonically.
He simply nibbles at my ear in an affectionate sort of way. “Yeah, I didn’t think so,” I laugh, more to myself than to him. “Though while all this is going on, I wouldn’t be surprised…”
He climbs down my arm and curls up on my lap, ready to go back to sleep. “You know, you’ve got the attention span of a squirrel on weed,” I sigh, reluctantly picking him up and putting him back in his cage. “See you later, Hermes.”
As I leave the room, I notice a small brown rabbit standing at the door. “Angel?” I ask in confusion. It did look like Fluttershy’s beloved Angel Bunny, but for some reason, he was covered in some weird sticky stuff. Oh yeah… Chocolate, I think to myself, remembering what the Princess had said. Wait… If Angel’s been turned into chocolate… Why hasn’t Hermes? Why would Discord dodge my pet and attack all the others? My thoughts are interrupted by a vibrating sensation in my pocket. Pulling out my phone, I see a text from Twilight, simply saying “We need to talk”. Looks like I have other things to worry about, I sigh as I open the door.
Twilight’s apartment is directly across from mine, so it was no surprise to find her standing there, arms crossed. “Hey, sorry about what happened earlier,” I say sheepishly. “Wrong place at the wrong time, you know?”
Her face stays stone cold. “A few months ago, you said you needed some time to work things out. I’ve waited patiently since then, but now I’m starting to think that day won’t ever come…”
My smile falters. “Twi, come on! You know that I care about you!” I protest.
“Really now?” she says icily. “Well, you didn’t seem to care too much when Applejack was breathing all over you!”
“I told you, it’s a casual thing!” I groan. “She knows that!”
“Does she, Sebastian? Because the look she gave me told me it was much more serious than you let on!”
“It isn’t, I swear!” I say in exasperation. “Look, maybe she’s a bit attached, but we’re just friends with benefits! What you want from me is a lot more serious than what I have with her!”
She sighs. “So that’s the reason, then?” she asks coldly. “I’m just not easy enough?”
“It’s not that! You’re just… A big step forward and I don’t know if I’m ready to take it.”
She lets out a snort of derision. “So you’d rather stand in the mud like the pig you are?”
“What the hell do ya mean, mud?!” an angry voice. We both turn to see Applejack standing in the hall, a positively murderous look on her face.
Twilight blanches. “Applejack, I-I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!” she says in a meek voice.
“Ah’ve had just about enough about you, Miss Prissy!” Applejack yells. “Always tryin’ to play the goody-goody, yer nose so far up everyone’s ass that you can taste the food for them! Ya just want to have EVERYONE lovin’ ya, don’t ya?!”
Twilight’s temper begins to flare. “Oh yeah?! What about you?! Always drinking away at a bar, getting booty-calls every second of the day! Trust me; I know things that you’ve done that would make that hair of yours curl!”
“Like what?!” Applejack says challengingly.
A wicked grin grows on Twilight’s face. “Like your night with Big Mac,” she says quietly.
Applejack turns bright red. “It was ONE time, we were drunk, and we were teenagers!” she cries out defensively.
“Oh, because being drunk is SOOO much better!” Twilight sneers. “Is that your excuse for every other living thing you’ve ever slept with?”
“Well, at least Ah DO get some!’ Applejack retorts. “When was yer last roll in the hay?!”
“Whore!’ Twilight yells, going into her apartment and slamming the door.
“Tight-Ass!” Applejack retorts, stomping back upstairs.
I stand there alone, jaw wide open. “WHAT. THE. FUCK.”
“Ah, chaos... It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?” a sly voice chuckles beside me. I turn to find a man in a dapper brown suit floating in the air, legs crossed in relaxation. His lips are pulled back in a smug grin, revealing a long snaggle-tooth poking out of the front of his mouth.
I gasp. “Oh Good God, it’s you,” I say breathlessly.
“No, not quite,” he chortles, pulling out a lawn chair and shoving it under me. “Ol’ Capital G is currently residing on a cloud, watching from his pearly gates. Honestly, your universe’s gods are quite boring,” he yawns. “No interfering with your little mortal affairs.”
“The Princesses are going to get rid of you,” I say rather childishly. “You might as well give up now!”
He lets out a long cackle. “My dear little human, why would I want to fight against dear Celly and Lu-Lu?”
I look at him in confusion. “Wha?”
“I may be the god of Chaos, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly one in a while!” he smirks. “What, do you think I’d be hell-bent on revenge because they stuck me in a statue for a few thousand years?”
“Uh, yes,’ I say bluntly.
“Oh, you humans are such adorable little things.” he coos, patting my cheek with a long-nailed hand. “You just don’t understand the concept of bigger and better things!”
I pull away defensively. “Things like what?” I ask cautiously.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he grins. “Sorry, but I’ve already given you a backstage peek! You’ll just have to join everyone in the audience from now on!” And with a mad cackle and a flash of white, he teleports out of the hall.
I stand there, dumbfounded. What do I do?! That psycho’s going to kill us all if I don’t tell the Princesses!
Well, why don’t you go ahead and tell them, dumbass? A snide voice in my head growls.
I resolve to follow this advice and run up the stairs to Discord’s room, where Princess Celestia, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash are waiting. “Guys, you’ll never believe what I just saw!” I say urgently.
“Sebastian, are you ok?” Fluttershy asks, putting her hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah yeah, I’m fine,” I say, shaking her off. “But you guys have to listen to me! The weirdest thing just happened to me!”
“You fell into a wormhole and got transported into the year 2480, where you were captured and experimented on by a newly evolved human race, and now you’ve come back to take us all back to the Imagitorium, where we’ll be able to fly around on giant floating cakes while telepathically training dinosaurs to bake pies?!” Pinkie Pie asks excitedly, bouncing up and down.
I stare at her, completely dumbfounded. “No.”
She deflates in disappointment. “Aww…”
I shake my head to free my mind from that particular bout of madness. “Anyways, I was going through the hall when I saw Discord!”
Everyone gasps in horror. “But that can’t be right!” Rainbow Dash roars in frustration. “He’s locked up there and secure! We checked!”
“And we’ve been watching him all the time! He hasn’t moved an inch!” Rarity adds in indignation.
Sure enough, as I look inside the room, I see Discord’s statue chained to the floor, looking like it had been there for eternity. “B-but that’s impossible!” I stutter, searching for some proof against this. “I saw him with my own two eyes!”
“Perhaps it was an astral projection,” Princess Celestia suggested. “Discord is more than capable of such parlor tricks, even while incased in stone.”
“No, you don’t get it! He patted my cheek and everything!” I cry. “It wasn’t some dumb mirage!”
“What you feel and what you see, sounds like part of his plan to me,” comes a familiar voice. I turn to find Zecora, helping support a weary looking Luna as they walk towards us. Nurse Redheart scampers around them, looking nervous. “Although it may seem real as can be, do not forget, Master of Illusions is he.” she adds.
Celestia runs over to Luna and helps her get up. “Are you alright, Sister?” she asks, obviously concerned.
Luna gives her a weak smile. “Of course, Celestia,” she says wryly. “Can’t thine not see what a perfect picture of health We are?”
The Princess looks at Zecora questioningly. “Are you sure she’s well enough to help?”
Zecora smiles comfortingly. “Relax, dear big sister, don’t let worry bite! Your little Luna’s going to be alright!”
Redheart nods eagerly. “She’s still a little tired from the psychic beating she got, but she’s quite alright otherwise!”
“We wouldn’t call it a beating,” Luna grumbles. “More of an… Impasse.”
Celestia sighs. “If you two think it’s best… Now that we have Luna, all we need is Twilight and Applejack before we can be sure enough to go against Discord!”
The room suddenly gets uncomfortably warm for me. “Uh… There might be a problem with that,” I say sheepishly.
Everyone turns dramatically to me. “What the hell did you do this time, Sebastian?” Rainbow Dash asks urgently.
“See, it wasn’t MY fault!” I protest. “They just kind of hate each other now!”
Fluttershy gasps. “Oh dear… How bad is it?”
“Unkind words were said,” I say slowly. “Applejack said something that means “hard bum”, and then Twilight called her something that rhymes with ‘door’…”
“Well, she IS kind of loose…” Redheart admits. Everyone looks at her, causing the nurse to blush. “Everyone was thinking it, I just said it!” she says indignantly.
Zecora just rolls her eyes. “So how do we retrieve Miss Twilight and Miss Jack without having to fear the threat of an attack?”
Fluttershy timidly steps forward. “Well, I’m sure Twilight can be reasoned with,” she says quietly. “I’m not sure about Applejack, though… She CAN be really stubborn…”
“Are you kidding me?!” Rainbow Dash says indignantly. “Ok, Applejack can be a bit of a knucklehead, but Twilight’s always convinced that she’s got the voice of reason! Remember that one time she totally lost it because of ONE little report?”
“Well, it was important,” Rarity reasoned. “But I do think it might be a little harder to convince Twilight… Applejack’s just more agreeable.”
“No! Twilight’s always willing to put aside differences for the good of the group!” Pinkie Pie protests. “Remember when Discord made us all jerks and she was the only one focused on the mission?”
“It’s settled then!” Celestia interrupts. “Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy will attempt to reason with Twilight, and Rarity and Rainbow Dash will go to retrieve Applejack. Is that fair?”
There’s a general murmur of agreement before the group goes it separate ways. Seeing that they were gone, Celestia groans and puts her hand to her head. “Things used to be so simple,” she sighed wistfully.
I feel a pang of guilt run through me. “This is my fault, isn’t it?”
“Do not worry, it was bound to occur,” Zecora says comfortingly to me. “Though how will this affect the Elements, I wonder…”	
> Chapter The Third
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Third, or “In Which Chaos Makes a Hell of an Entrance”


As we wait outside for the others to arrive, I decide to take an awkward stab at conversation. “So… Zecora… How did you guys escape Discord’s spell?” I asked curiously. “I mean, everyone else got turned to chocolate. Why not you and Redheart?”
Zecora shrugs. “Two healers left Discord, twas his own flaw. Perhaps it shall wipe that grin off his maw.”
Redheart nods. “It WAS a pretty bad mistake for Discord to let us free, in the long run. After all, who better to help the people than the healers?”
“I dunno… Since when do gods make mistakes?” I point out.
Zecora sighs. “Who knows what goes on in the mad god’s mind? An answer is not that simple to find.”
Redheart smirks. “Because THAT answers all the questions we had.”
Zecora snarls at her, but doesn’t answer back. “How do you guys stand each other when you constantly fight?” I ask, exasperated.
“It really isn’t as bad as it sounds,” Redheart laughs, patting Zecora on the back. “We just have different styles of thinking, that’s all! I come from a more proper, more scientific style of medicine, and Zecora… Doesn’t.”
“My medicine is as effective as yours,” Zecora grumbles as she gets up. “Except mine isn’t administered by boors!” And with that, she walks off, presumably to join the Princesses in the other room.
Redheart rolls her eyes. “She doesn’t have a high opinion of medical professionals, obviously,” she sighs. “She seems to think that we’re all money-grubbing pessimists who don’t care whether the patients live or die.”
“Welcome to America,” I grin wryly. “You must be new here!”
Redheart shudders. “I know; I’ve had to work at a hospital since we got here, and it’s just awful! I had to sneak in a child to the ER to remove his appendix just because his mother didn’t have insurance!”
“You can blame that on our great geniuses at Capitol Hill,” I smirk. “Since the year 2015, privately owned hospitals have the right to reject patients (or should I say, customers) if they don’t carry insurance and can’t pay for their health. I remember watching the Supreme Court ruling on the law when I was a senior in high school.”
“Really?” she asks with an interested tone. “Is that why you’re a lawyer?”
“I guess you could say that,” I grin. “But how did you know?”
“Word gets around quickly,” she shrugs. “You’re something of a celebrity here, after all.”
“Why? Because I’m the only human?”
“More of because you nearly doubled the size of the town population in a few months,” she says in a matter-of-fact voice. “I can’t tell you how many babies I’ve delivered that have your eyes!”
I do a double take. “What?!?!”
Redheart doubles over laughing. “That look on your face!!!” she sputters, trying to get it together. “PRICELESS!!”
I sigh in relief and give her a reproachful glare. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”
She gives me a wicked grin. “You’d be surprised at the amount of guys I’ve been able to scare with that line!” she chortles.
“Wow, it’s so funny that I forgot to laugh,” I growl.
She wipes a tear from her eye and calms down. “Seriously, though, you’ll have to watch out for mating season!” she warns. “The women here will rip you to shreds!”
I shudder at the thought. “When exactly will that be?” I ask fearfully.
She gives me an evil grin. “You’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?”
Before I can respond, the two teams come back with the targets. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie brought back Twilight easily enough, with Twilight showing only minor signs of reproach. Applejack, on the other hand, was bound and gagged by various different fabrics, and was still thrashing violently while a frazzled Rarity struggled to keep her aura around her. “She’s got a real fighting spirit, I’ll give her that much!” Rarity smiled sheepishly.
Rainbow Dash plopped on the floor in front of her, sporting a giant foot-shaped bruise on her forehead. “It took us ten minutes just to track down this psycho,” she pants pathetically, “and another twenty to get her here.”
I whistle as I observe the bruise. “I’m terrified and yet slightly aroused at the same time,” I admit.
Rainbow Dash grins wryly. “Hell yeah, man!”
Rarity rolls her eyes. “If you two are done discussing your disturbingly masochistic fetishes, can we get this over with?”
“Oh right,” I grin sheepishly. “The Princesses should be in the other room right now.”
As if being summoned, three flashes of green, yellow, and blue light (respectively) light the room. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna step out of the yellow and blue flashes, and surprisingly, Zecora steps out of the green flash wearing a beautiful robe of light green. “You called?” Luna grins.
I marvel at Zecora’s new clothes. “Where’d you get those?”
She smiles and twirls around. “What this old thing? Just a formality! I need it for my full power, you see!”
“Zecora is the Zebraic Oracle of Eumonia,” Celestia explains. “She’s known to her people as the Priestess of Order.”
“That is only my former name,” she says dismissively. “I’d tell you the story, but it’s not exactly tame…”
“Some other time, Zecora,” Luna says hurriedly. “What we need to focus on is the problem at hand. Where are the two feuding Elements?”
Twilight steps up, looking down at the floor. “Right here, Princess,” she says shame-facedly.
Luna raises an eyebrow. “Twilight Sparkle?” she says in surprise. “We are most disappointed with you…”
Twilight shrinks down a little. “I know,” she squeaks.
Luna sighs. “Ah well. This happens to the best of us. We are first hand witnesses of that,” she says comfortingly to her before looking at Applejack. “And you are the second, Applejack?” she asks.
Applejack stops thrashing around and nods, apparently ashamed. Rarity telekinetically lifts the ribbon keeping her quiet, letting the blonde speak. “Ah know Ah shouldn’t have, Princess,” she admits quietly. “Ah should’ve kept a clear head and handled this differently.”
Princess Luna nods. “Well, as long as thy hast learned thy lesson, you can go free.” A blue flash slices through Applejack’s bonds, leaving her to stand in front of Twilight. “Now shake hands and be done with it,” Luna commands.
They do so rather stiffly. I swear I hear a small whimper coming from Twilight, but before I can do anything, they separate, leaving Applejack with a smug smirk and Twilight quietly nursing her hand. “Now, are you ready for the task ahead?” Luna asks loudly.
A collective agreement issues from the group, and Luna turns to Celestia. “Would you do the honors, Sister?”
The Princess puts on a determined face and puts her hand on the doorknob. “Here goes nothing,” she sighs, and she slowly turns the doorknob to reveal Discord’s statue, standing alone in the barren room.
We all cautiously move forward, as if the statue could have come to life and bit us. “Ah’m sorry, but that statue still gives me the willies,” Applejack shudders.
Rainbow Dash nods, obviously trying hard not to look afraid. “I know, right? It almost feels like he planned this…”
“And we’re just mice in a trap,” concludes Rarity, looking at the giant stone monstrosity with fear.
Fluttershy, for some reason, is completely calm. “Something’s… different this time,” she says, unsure. “I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think it’s the same as it was when we last saw him…”
Pinkie Pie runs up to him and makes a silly face. “BLAAAAAAARGH!!!!”
Almost immediately, the statue begins to cackle uncontrollably, smashing its fist on the ground. “Darn you Pinkie Pie!” it howled in laughter. “I almost had you!” A white flash surrounds the statue, transforming it into the dapper human form of Discord I say earlier. “Ah well,” he sighs, wiping a tear from his eye. “Guess it’s on to Plan B!” He cackles again and snaps his fingers, and suddenly the world goes dark.

Sometime Later…

Ugh, where am I… I feel like I just got smashed in the face with a train! I grumble to myself as I find myself tied up. The world around me is still pitch black, so it’s as if I had never woken up. But wait… something’s wrong… Why does my head feel all heavy?
A sudden idea pops into my head, and I decide to spit. Sure enough, the drop of liquid goes above my head instead, confirming that I was indeed upside down. “Hey, is anyone else there?” I call out in the darkness.
A moan next to me answers my call. “Where are we?” a soft voice asks.
“Fluttershy? Is that you?” I ask.
“Sebastian! Oh thank goodness!” she says in relief. “Do you know where we are?”
“Sorry, but I’m as lost as you are. Do you know where the others are?”
“I think someone’s beside me,” she says, uncertain. “It might be one of the girls…”
“Well, can you check?” I ask irritably.
“No, I can’t reach,” she says apologetically. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine, I’ve got an idea,” I assure her. “I’m going to try to knock you over there, and you’ll try grabbing on to them, alright?”
“Um, ok,” she stammers. “But first, can we make sure that-“
“BONSAI!” I bellow, ignoring her as I shift my bodyweight towards her. She responds with a squeak of fear as I hit her towards the nearest person. “Did you get them?” I ask eagerly.
“No… I’m sorry, my arms are too short!”
“Ugh… Whose car hit me?” a tired voice asks.
“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy and I call out in unison.
“Guys, not now,” she grumbles. “I’m having a bad hang-over…”
“Is that you, Rainbow Dash?” another familiar voice calls out. “Where’s everyone else?”
“Twi! We’re over here!” I call out.
“Sebastian? Are you close to me?” Twilight asks.
“I don’t think so... Why?”
“So I can beat you upside the head!” she snarls, thrashing noisily against her bonds.
“What the hell did I do?!” I ask defensively.
“Is now really the best time to have a lover’s quarrel?” Rarity’s voice says reprovingly. “After all, we ARE in a rather compromising situation…”
“Ah agree with the egg-head!” Applejack’s voice calls out. “Ah wanna beat the shit outta him too!”
“Uh, guys!” Fluttershy says uneasily. “Maybe if we all took a deep breath, we can all figure out what’s going-“
A sudden chord of music interrupts her advice. A blindingly bright light shines on a previously dark stage, revealing rows of cannons. These cannons proceed to shoot small stuffed animals into the air, which each exploded into bits of confetti and toffee. The cannons are pulled away to show a patched up yellow curtain, filthy with age.
“Ladies and gentleman, we are pleased to present to you the greatest thing since sliced pockets and bread on pants!” a deep male voice announces. “He is a god among men, a master of disaster, the king of chaos, and the very definition of the word ‘humble’! Now, without further ado, let me present a god who needs no introduction, the one, the only DISSSSCOOOORD!”
An audience below us cheers wildly, and assortment of roses, rubber duckies, and long-johns are thrown on the stage. The yellow curtains pull back to reveal a man in a brown pinstripe suit and dirty white hair. He grins at us, revealing his large tooth protruding from the front of his mouth. “Hello, my darlings!” he cackles, dancing madly to the music. “I hope you enjoy my musical taste!”
The crowd roars in response, causing Discord to frown. “Not YOU, you idiots!” he snarls. “I’m talking to my victims!”
The crowd automatically silences itself, and the bright spotlight lands on us. I look down (or is it up?) to find that we had been tied in a pink fleshy material.
“Are these hotdogs?!” Pinkie gasped.
Discord grinned. “I thought you’d like them, Pinkie Pie! Yes, those are 100% beef frankfurters!”
Pinkie let out a cheer and began to gleefully devour the hotdog chains. However, on freeing herself, she falls into a large balloon cage, which shuts closed with an unnaturally heavy clang as soon as she falls in.
Discord chortles at this. “Oh Pinkie, you so random! You actually thought that I’d make it THAT easy for you?!”
Pinkie shrugs and belches. “Worth a shot!”
This causes Discord to laugh even more. “Oh, this SO beats being in that idiot lawyer’s head all day!”
“You won’t laugh once the Princesses find out what you’ve done!” Twilight yells triumphantly. “They’ll wipe that look right off your face!”
“Oh, really?!” Discord says in a mock fearful voice. “The big bad Princesses are going to wipe that smug smirk right off my face?! HA!” A neon green rope falls from the ceiling into Discord’s hand. The chaos god tugs it hard, and the yellow curtain drops again. “Let’s see what’s behind Curtain Number One!” he cackles.
The dirty yellow curtain reveals a stone statue of Zecora, covered with confetti and stuck in a pink tutu. A rainbow afro had been stuck crudely to her head, and a small red clown nose had been jammed on her nose.
“Zecora!” the girls cried out in unison.
“Correct! This marble piece of art can sell big at any art gallery for its original style. Don’t take it for granite!” Grins Discord, pulling the curtain down again. “Now, let’s see what’s behind Curtain Number Two!”
The curtain pulled again, this time revealing Princess Luna strapped and chained to a table. “HOW DARE YOU ENTRAP US LIKE THIS!!!” she roars, writhing against her bonds. “UNLOCK US AND FACE US LIKE A REAL WARRIOR THIS INSTANT!!”
Discord chuckles. “Oh, I don’t think so, Lulu,” he purrs evilly, walking slowly toward the Princess. “I think I’ll have a little fun with you first…”
“DON’T YOU DARE, DISCORD!” she screeches as he pulled off her shoe. “WE SWEAR BY THE GODS ABOVE, IF YOU SO MUCH AS- HAHAHAHAHA!!”
“Aw, is little Woona still ticklish?” Discord cooed as he rubbed a small white feather against the sole of her foot. “How precious!”
“PLEASE, HA, WE BEG YOU, HAHA, NO MORE!!!” she hollers, tears of laughter running down her face. “WE CANNOT BREATH- HAHAHAHAHA!!”
“Well… if you insist!” he cackled gleefully as he pushed the table off the stage. Luna screams as she rattles out of sight, followed by a large crash and a cat yowl. The neon chord falls into the mad god’s hand once again, and he tugs the yellow curtain shut. “Now, on to Curtain Number Three,” he says grandiosely.
There, we find Princess Celestia, looking dazed and confused while wearing a black and red tango dress. “What’s going on?!” she cries, looking frantically around her.
“What’s going on, my sweet Celly-poo, is the meeting that was drafted by Faust herself,” Discord crooned, sliding up to the Princess and grabbing her shoulders. “Is it written in the stars, that we were meant to be together? Is it part of some universal plan? Perhaps we are two un-dividable souls, destined to forever entertwine paths!” He gives her a grin. “I’D LIKE TO THINK SO!”
Celestia responds with swiftly punching Discord in the face. “Not even in YOUR dreams, Demon!” she hissed.
Discord falls to the floor, little winged hearts floating around his head. “What a woman,” he moaned, a sappy smile on his face.
The Sun Princess teleports to us and begins trying to free us from our bonds. “Hurry, there isn’t much time!” she whispers urgently. “If I know Discord he’ll be able to- AH!”
Discord pops up, holding a bouquet of sunflowers. “I know how they’re your favorite,” he crooned, “so I made sure to get a few!”
Celestia issues a huff of disgust and blasts them away with a beam of magic. “Do you honestly think FLOWERS could bring me to forgive you?!” she snarled. “That is so like you!”
“Well, I think we can both agree that we’ve made mistakes,” Discord says diplomatically, putting his arms around her waist. “I’ve done some things, you turned me to stone for 1000 years, I got out, you put me back in… I think we can agree that we’re Even-Steven now!”
“Even-Steven?!” she said incredulously. “YOU MADE THE IMPERIAL PALACE TURN INTO LIME GELATIN!!”
“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t love it!” he chortles, slapping her on the back. “It was like a giant edible bouncy castle!”
She begins to glow with an ominous golden hue, shaking slightly. Her normally flowing rainbow hair becomes a fiery blare of colors, both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. “YOU RAINED THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF CHAOS ON MY PEOPLE, PLAY MY LOYAL SUBJECTS AGAINST EACH OTHER, AND HUMILIATE ME IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE IN FRONT OF THE COUNCIL OF ORACLES, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO FORGIVE YOU RIGHT AWAY?!” she booms menacingly.
Discord steps away slowly, a sudden trace of fear in his eye. “Hey, I never said all at once!” he smiles sheepishly. “These things take time, Celly! And besides, you didn’t want to be part of that Council anyways! They’re all a bunch of shticks!”
“WELL, PERHAPS THEY WOULDN’T BE SUCH ‘SCHTICKS’ IF YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT RAIN MOUNTAIN DEW DURING OUR MEETINGS!!” she roars, shooting a golden blast at the old man.
He deftly slaps it away as if it were a fly, still focused on the now terrifying Princess. “Look, if those guys wanted to stay serious, why didn’t they just tell me?” he says defensively.
“TELL YOU?!?! THEY BEGGED YOU TO STOP!! AND WHAT DID YOU DO?! YOU MADE IT RAIN KITTENS INSTEAD!!!” She shoots another three golden beams, trying desperately to hit him.
“Ok, now you’re just being unreasonable!” Discord protests, easily dodging all three beams. “Who doesn’t love kittens?!”
Meanwhile, all seven of us are simply watching the battle in equal parts awe and confusion. “So let me get this straight: Discord apparently had a thing with the Princess, but something happened, they fought, and she put him in stone for a few hundred years?!” I ask incredulously.
“A THOUSAND years,” Twilight corrects. “And it’s not just that! He put a reign of misery over Equestria with his chaos magic. She had to do it for the good of the kingdom.”
“I dunno,” says Pinkie Pie, munching on some popcorn in her balloon cage. “All the things that Discord’s doing doesn’t SOUND like evil stuff. They sound like little pranks that anybody would do.”
I stare at her a bit, trying to comprehend how Pinkie got a bucket of popcorn before finally deciding the answer: It’s Pinkie Pie, don’t question it. “Anyways,” I continue, shaking my head, “Pinkie’s got a point. Unless there’s something they aren’t telling us, we can’t just think that he’s evil just because.”
“Are y’all kiddin’ me?! We DO have proof that he’s evil!” Applejack protests. “Remember what he did to us in the maze?!”
“Well, that ended up having positive consequences.” Fluttershy pointed out. “I mean, after that, we’ve been so much closer.”
“Uh, darlings?” Rarity interrupts. “I realize that we’re all having an intense philosophical conversation, but perhaps you’d be a teensy bit more interested in the god battle occurring RIGHT NEXT TO US?!”
We all turn to find that the theatre had somehow been turned into something that Pee-Wee Herman would imagine on an acid trip: Brightly colored bouncy balls ricocheted off of the walls at breakneck speeds, purple cacti sprung out of the ground, and a giant green rooster with an inner-tube pecked at the celling. In the center of it all was Discord and Celestia, the former either deflecting or dodging the latter’s attempts to attack him. “Come on, Celly, not in front of the mortals!” Discord said with a strained smile. “You know that sort of thing is inappropriate!”
“I DON’T CARE!!” she roared, shooting daggers made out light at the chaos god. “WITH YOU, IT WAS ALWAYS, ‘C’MON CELLY, LET’S DO IT RIGHT NOW! I CAN STOP TIME, IF YOU WANT, BUT LET’S DO IT RIGHT NOW!’ WHAT IF I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT, HUH?!”
“Oh please, you loved every second of it!” Discord protests, catching all the daggers and making them into origami. “I remember the first time, we nearly stopped time for a year when we did it!”
“THAT’S BECAUSE THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU JUST RANDOMLY POPPED UP IN FRONT OF ME AND WE DID IT!” she sighs in exasperation, shooting out white-hot bolts of lightning. “AFTER THE FIFTY-EIGHTH TIME, A GIRL CAN GET TIRED!!”
“So that somehow entitles you to shut me in stone?!” Discord asks, finally getting angry and deflecting the electricity back. “Do you know how long I’ve had to sit and watch as you went on without me?! Do you know how many suitors I’ve seen you take in the first one hundred years?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIME I COULD HAVE LET LOOSE A STAMPEDE OF HAMSTERS ON CANTERLOT, BUT I HAD TO SIT THERE AND WATCH AS IT WAS ANOTHER HAMSTERLESS DAY?!!”
“SEE, YOU’LL ALWAYS CARE ABOUT CHAOS MORE THAN ME!” Celestia snarls, as she creates a massive sword of light and tries to slice Discord. “NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR SAY, YOU’LL ALWAYS PUT YOUR JOB FIRST!”
“Like you’re any better!” Discord snorts in derision, making a balloon sword and using it to fence with Celestia. “It was always ‘my subjects this,” and ‘my subjects that’ and ‘my subjects need you to stop turning hay into fire-ants’!”
“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SHOVE IT IN YOUR THICK SKULL THAT WE EAT HAY?! IT’S OUR MAIN SOURCE OF FOOD!”
“Well, why not make it something else?!”
“BECAUSE IT’D BE EASIER IF YOU JUST TURNED ALL THE FIRE-ANTS BACK INTO HAY!”
“You know what, Celestia? There’s no arguing with you! It’s like Cthulu always said to me-“
“CTHULU IS THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND THE DEVOURER OF LIFE!!” Celestia rages, hitting even harder with her blade. “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT HE HAS ANY GOOD IDEAS?!”
“See, there you go again, judging people!” Discord scoffs. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Cthulu does other things in his spare time? For example, did you know that he makes a mean soufflé!”
“THERE YOU GO AGAIN, ALWAYS IDEALIZING THINGS! MAYBE, JUST MAYBE YOU COULD SEE THAT THE WORLD ISN’T SOME PERFECT PLACE WHERE LIFE GOES EXACTLY TO PLAN MOST OF THE TIME!!”
“And what exactly do you think my job is?” Discord smirks. “Ruining everything? No, believe it or not, chaos is as positive as it is negative, just like order, and just like harmony! Maybe YOU’RE the one who needs a reality check!”
“OH, YEAH?! WELL, WELL, well… YOUR BEARD IS STUPID!!” Celestia says triumphantly.
A giant record scratch goes through the room, and everything just stops dead. “You… you think my beard is stupid?” Discord asks meekly.
Celestia, realizing what she had done, reverts back to her normal state. “Oh, Dissy…” she says softly.
“Don’t Dissy me, missy!” Discord says dramatically. He pulls out a blue handkerchief with a pear design and blows his nose loudly. “Here I was, trying to make things better, and this is what you say to me?!”
“Dissy, I’m sorry!” Celestia protests, putting her hand on Discord’s shoulder. “I was just angry. I didn’t mean to- Wait… Why is my hand stuck?!”
A loud cackle comes from behind us. I crane my neck to see that Discord had been sitting behind me, slurping Twizzlers like spaghetti. “I can’t believe you fell for the old ‘fake sticky Discord!’ Trick!” he snorted gleefully.
“DISCORD!” Celestia snarls, trying to free herself from the apparently inescapable statue. “LET ME GO THIS INSTANT!”
“Aw, just admit it! You can’t keep your hands off me!” he smirks, kissing her on the cheek. He turns to me and grins evilly. “Now, for my final trick,’ he announces, donning a top hat and a tuxedo, “I’ll really be getting into Sebastian’s head!”
My eyes widen in fear. “Wait, you don’t want to be in my head again, do you?” I protest frantically. “I’m boring, remember? I’m an idiot lawyer!”
He smirks. “Oh, don’t worry! This isn’t going to hurt a bit- For ME!” And with one last cackle, he leaps at me like a spider on a fly. All I can do is watch hopelessly as he gets closer and closer to me, and the world goes dark…
> Chapter The Fourth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Fourth, or “In Which the Mind Games Begin”

I find myself in a completely blank room, surrounded by nothing but utter whiteness… God, this is like going to the Republican National Convention, I smirk to myself as I get up and dust myself off. Hmmm… For some reason, I think I’m forgetting something… I wonder what it is… For that matter, I wonder who I am… And where am I? And what am I doing here?
A bolt of lightning automatically strikes me, sending a jolt through my bones. I stagger to the ground as all of my memories come rushing painfully back into my skull. “Well, that solves that question,” I groan, rubbing my forehead. “But where’s Discord?”
“Right here, handsome,” a smooth voice croons. I turn to find a giant pencil scribbling an outline on the blank walls and floor of the room. The lines soon form a perfect stencil of Discord, smugly grinning at me from what appeared to be a bar stool in the shape of a chicken’s foot. “Have a seat, won’t you?” he says sweetly.
I find myself being pushed into a comfy leather sofa as Discord regains color. “Now, I bet you’ve got a lot of questions for me, and no doubt you want them answered, but before I get to that part, let me explain to you what the lowdown is right now.” He snaps his fingers, and with a white flash, a projector and projection screen show up. “Right now, you’re friends are freaking out because you’re in what I like to call a ‘Smile Coma’.” He snaps his fingers again, and a projection of the group crowded around me shows up. For some reason, I have a creepy Joker-esque grin on my face, stretching literally from ear to ear.
I shudder at the image. “God, I look awful…”
“Yeah, I still haven’t been able to work that particular kink out of the armor,” he says apologetically. “But I digress. Just shut up and listen.” He snaps his fingers a third time and a pair of speaker phones show up beside the projection screen.
“-and Discord will stay here until we drive him out ourselves,” concluded Princess Celestia, who was still caught in the trap.
“But how do we do that?” Fluttershy asks worriedly. “Is there some sort of spell involved?”
“Tis not as simple as that,” sighed Luna, who was being freed from her straps by Nurse Redheart. “You must actually enter Sebastian’s mind in order to free him from Discord’s influence. There, you shall travel through aspects of his personality until you reach where Discord has the most influence, and that is where you must defeat the chaos god.”
“Pardon me for saying, but you seem to be rather familiar with this process,” Rarity pointed out.
Luna looked away quickly. “Tis none of thy business!” she declared a little too loudly. “What we NEED to focus on in how to exorcise the blasted demon from Sebastian!”
Discord turns to me with a grin. “Watch this, it’ll be hysterical,” he chuckles as a microphone appears in his hand. He taps the top, and points me to the screen. He begins to speak, and to my surprise his voice comes out of my deranged smile. “Don’t worry about Sebby, he’s alive and well! In fact, come inside and hang out for a spell!” A portal appears next to my body, swirling with a mix of different colors.
The group looks at me, horrified. “So are we just supposed to follow Discord blindly through Sebastian’s mind?!” Applejack asks in horror.
“I know it may seem bad, but this situation might be for the best.” Twilight explains optimistically. “Now that Discord’s in Sebastian’s mind, it’ll be Sebastian that has control, right?”
Luna bites her lip. “Well, yes… But remember, Discord is a master of temptation. He might delude Sebastian into turning against you, so you must be very cautious.”
“Hey, Sebastian’s our friend, so there’s no way that dopy Discord can shake his loyalty!” Rainbow Dash says confidently.
“Ah dunno, Rainbow,” Applejack says reluctantly. “The Princess has a point here, so we oughta be extra-carful before we do this.”
“Do you think we should bring the Elements with us?” Twilight asks Princess Celestia.
The Princess shakes her head. “They would do no good there, seeing as it is only a realm of imagination. You must simply use whatever skills Sebastian grants you in his world.”
“What are we waiting for, then?!” Pinkie declares. “Let’s bring it on like Donkey Kong!” and without a second thought, she does a graceful swan dive into the portal.
I feel a sudden headache coming on as this happens. “Please tell me she’s not in there now,” I groan. “God know what Pinkie Pie could change in there unsupervised!”
Discord chuckles. “No, she’ll be floating in limbo till I let her in. What you’re feeling right now is the mental block preventing her from doing so. That being said,” he adds, glancing at the screen, “it appears that your friends are following suit, so it looks like we’ll have to start early!”
“Wait, start what early?” I ask, suddenly nervous.
“Haven’t you been hearing anything?!” Discord asks incredulously. “They’re supposed to be ‘freeing’ you!”
“Well, how long could it take?!”
“See, the thing is, time is relative,” he explains, suddenly growing a white mustache and blowing a pipe of bubbles. “As long as they’re in here, the limits of the outside world have no effect on what’s going on over here, so maybe… an hour outside.”
I sigh. “So what happens now?”
Discord grins. “Now,” he begins, making a door magically appear on the previously blank wall, “is when you join them!”
I step forward to open the door, only to find that it leads to a dark fall down. “I don’t know about this…“ I say cautiously, looking deep into the darkness. “Isn’t there some other way to get down? I mean, can’t you just make some-“
“TOO LATE!” Discord cackles, kicking me down the abyss. He cackles wildly as I fall deeper and deeper, screaming bloody murder from the top of my lungs.
I suddenly wake up, sweating bullets and panting loudly. “I have a feeling that I’m going to be doing this a lot,” I groan as I wipe the sweat from my forehead. I look around, trying to see the world around me. It’s so dark that only thing visible is a slight glowing object in front of me. I reach out to touch it, only to find it expand into a holographic screen of neon green.
“Good morning, sir,” it drones politely. “What would you like to do?”
I stare at it a bit before answering. “Uh… Turn on the lights?”
The lights suddenly turn on, revealing that the entire room seemed to be made of chrome. “Show outside,” I command, getting a little more confident.
A window opens up, revealing nothing but blackness and stars. Suddenly, we pass an enormous ball of red and orange light, swirling around endlessly. “What is that?!” I ask, alarmed.
“That would be the sun Artham, sir,” the screen answers. A picture of a solar system shows up, each dot representing the planets. “Right now, we are in the Kioch system, trying to get to the planet Jamine-B, which is the third planet from the sun.” A little green dot appears on the screen, moving rapidly across the diagram. “The green dot represents the ship, and we will be arriving in five hours.
I stare at the screen, unable to believe what’s going on. “And why are we doing this?”
“The inhabitants, the Jamines, have violated a Federation embargo, and we are on a scouting mission to discover why,” the screen explains. “If the Jamines refuse to cooperate, the Federation will send reinforcements to maintain the peace.”
I keep staring at the screen, trying to find a logical conclusion. Finally, an idea pops into my head. “Computer,” I say slowly, clearing my throat. “What is today and what is the name of the ship?”
“It is Stardate 73945, and you are on the Enterprise VI,” the computer drones.
I stand there in shock and denial. Dear God… This can’t be happening to me!
“Oh, it is!” a familiar voice chuckles. I turn to see Discord in a black head-dress and blood-red robes. A jewel of deep crimson hangs from his neck. “Welcome to the Enterprise VI, Captain Espinosa!”
I fall back onto my bed, holding my head. “You did this?!” I ask in amazement.
Discord’s tooth smile is replaced with a look of annoyance. “Don’t you listen to ANYTHING I tell you?” he asks incredulously. “This is YOUR mind! I’m simply taking bits of your imagination and repurposing them! And I gotta say,” he adds, swishing around in his fancy robes, “I’m LOVING your taste so far!”
I hold my head in my hands and sigh. “So what now?”
“Whatever you want to!” he declares jovially, floating around my room. “After all, you’re the boss! In fact, I guess you could say that you’re the ‘captain’ of this ship!”
I look to him in alarm. “What did you just say?!”
“Well, I better leave you alone! After all, your crew needs you!” he cackles as he snaps his fingers. In a flash of white light he teleports away, leaving me alone with the news.
I turn to the screen. “What is the crew of the Starship Enterprise VI?”
The screen shows six familiar ladies, each in Federation uniforms. “Head of Communications: Twilight Sparkle. Head Mechanic: Applejack. Head Pilot: Rainbow Dash. Head Navigator: Pinkie Pie. Head Medic: Fluttershy. First Mate: Rarity.”
Then a particularly handsome man popped up at the top, sporting a dashing smile. “Captain of the Ship: Sebastian Fabio Espinosa de Salvador.”
I stare at the screen, mouth wide open. “I’m the captain.” I say to myself. “I’m the captain…” A grin starts to gradually grow on my face. “I’m the captain! I’m the captain! WOOHOO, I’M THE MOTHER-FUCKING CAPTAIN, BITCHES!!” I laugh manically before slapping myself on the face. “Alright, Sebastian, let’s not get crazy here.” I say to myself. I run to the mirror and stare at myself. Alright, here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to finish the mission, figure out how to get out of here, and then do whatever it is we need to do to defeat Discord! Are we clear?
I give myself a winning grin. Whatever you say, Captain Sebastian!
With that, I turn to the screen. “Call forth the Heads of the Departments and my First Mate to the bridge for a meeting in ten minutes!” I command.
“Yes, sir,” the screen says obediently.
I chuckle and begin to head out the room before noticing something was missing. “I should probably put on some clothes before I go outside,” I say sheepishly to myself.
Oh my God, we’re doomed! A part of me cackles.

Ten Minutes Later…

I spin around in my nice big swivel chair, examining the shiny gold cuffs on my yellow captain’s uniform. “Captain Sebastian Espinosa,” I say to myself for the millionth time, grinning as I do so. “God, this day couldn’t get any better!”
Suddenly, I hear the little whoosh-y noise from the doors. Sitting up quickly, I find that Twilight had arrived, wearing a rather tight maroon Federation uniform (like the one Uhura wore). “Sebastian?” she asks, obviously alarmed. “You’re the captain?”
“I know, right?!” I say ecstatically, jumping up from my chair. “This was my dream when I was a teenager!”
She laughs nervously and looks around the ship. “I just can’t get over how futuristic this place is! I mean, everything’s all… Chrome-y!”
“You know, you have the best way with words, Miss Sparkle,” I croon, channeling William Shatner. “It’s going to be a pleasure working with you!”
She giggles and blushes. “Well, according to the screen, I’m basically a space-secretary,” she admits.
I chuckle and put my arms around her waist. “Well then, you’ll do marvelously at this job!”
She sighs. “Sometimes, I forget how sweet you can- NO NO NO!” she cries, jumping out of my arms.
“What happened?” I ask, alarmed.
“I’m still mad at you for what happened before!” she pouts, folding her arms around her chest.
“What?! COME ON, TWI!!” I cry in exasperation. “Is this really the time to carry a grudge?!”
“I dunno, is this really the time to put the moves on me?!” she retorts.
“… Ok, you have a point there…” I admit. “Can we just pretend this never happened?”
“Only if you promise to stop feeling me up every chance you get!”
“I do not ‘feel you up’!” I protest. “I… Get friendly with you!”
“Well, the next time you try to ‘get friendly’ with me, I’ll have my foot ‘get friendly’ with your face!” she snarls
“Uh… Is this a bad time?” a timid voice asks. We both turn to see that Fluttershy was standing nervously at the door, wearing a blue Federation uniform and skirt.
We both sigh. “It’s nothing, Shy, just a friendly conversation,” I assure her.
She looks at the both of us seriously. “Look, Discord wants to test our teamwork here, so if we’re going to get him out of Sebastian’s head, we’ll have to work together. That means having to put our differences aside, at least for now. Is that ok?”
I look to Twilight. “Well, is it?”
She sighs. “I suppose so…” She puts out her hand. “Truce?”
“Well, I was never mad at you to begin with, so… I suppose so,” I grin, putting my hand in hers.
Fluttershy smiles approvingly. “See? Was that so hard?”
Before either of us could respond, the door opens to reveal Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash was wearing her regulation uniform (pants, not skirt), but Rarity seemed to have made some… adjustments to the other girls’ uniforms. Some very FLATTERING adjustments.
“Wow… That’s a pretty low cut collar you’ve got there, girls,” Twilight observes.
“Well, I had to do something!” Rarity protests. “These uniforms are elegant, but they leave so little breathing space.”
“Yeah, and besides, it’s boilin’ in the engine room!” Applejack adds. “I’d be burnin’ up down there if it weren’t for this!”
“We can only wish,” Twilight mutters.
Applejack glares at her. “Ah’m sorry, did y’all say somethin’?”
“Nothing!” Twilight says innocently.
“Ah thought so,” the blonde says smugly before turning to me. “Now, what was it that y’all wanted us here for, sugar?”
I find my eyes slipping lower and lower on her chest. “Uh...”
She grins. “My eyes are up here, sugar-cube,” she teases, pulling my chin up.
I shake my head. “Right! Well, what we have here is a Class C confrontation,” I begin, pulling up the holographic screen. “The Jamine government has purchased large amounts of osha-10, a highly controlled substance throughout the Federation. Osha-10 is mostly used in creating planetary destroyers as well as simulating small black holes, so the amount that was bought was definitely a bit of a scare. Our plan is to simply go to the planet Jamine-B, confiscate the osha-10, and be on our merry way. If the Jamines want to play hardball, we call Starfleet to come for back-up. Any questions?”
Pinkie Pie holds her hand up high and jumps up and down. “Ooh, ooh, pick me!”
I roll my eyes. “No, Pinkie, we aren’t going to throw a party afterwards.”
She deflates. “Aww… Well, what about-“
“No, we are not going to throw one before, either!” I say impatiently.
She looks at me, annoyed. “What I was GOING to ask is what happened to Jamine-A?”
“… That’s actually a pretty good question,” I admit, turning to the screen. “Computer?”
A diagram of a large planet splitting in half appears on the screen. “The Jamines were once a powerful species of warriors, known for conquering entire solar systems within a matter of months,” the computer explains. “During a nearly galactic revolution of all of its colony planets, the Jamine planet was split completely in two by the combined forces of the rebel armada. Miraculously, the Jamines managed to not only to survive the attack, but also somehow used the pieces of their broken planet to make two new planets to reside on. Jamine-A is now designated for the lower class Jamines, mostly agriculturalists and low-wage workers, while Jamine-B is a planet-wide metropolis of higher learning and big business. Jamine-B is considered to be the ‘rulers’ of Jamine-A, and the rigid class-structure of the Jamine culture prevents little (if any) opportunity for a citizen of Jamine-A to gain entry into Jamine-B.”
“Wait, why would B be better than A?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Isn’t A supposed to be number one?”
“Well, I guess you could argue that B is a step up from A,” Rarity offers. “After all, A could be basic, while B could mean an upgrade!”
“Never mind that, let’s just get this over with!” I sigh in exasperation. “We’ve got about six hours and forty minutes left before we have to confront the Jamines, so I suggest you go to your positions and get used to them. I’ll be checking each of you guys shortly before we get to the planet Jamine-B, and we’ll take it from there, got it?”
Everyone nods, giving me a chance to let out a sigh. “Look guys, I know this probably isn’t what you had in mind when you wanted to free me, but I think we better play through this if we’re going to beat Discord. If everything goes according to plan, we’ll be out of here before you know it!”
Rarity puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, darling. With the smashing crew that we have here, whatever Discord has in store won’t do any good!”
I chuckle. “I suppose you’re right… But anyways, enough time has been wasted! To your stations everyone!”
Everyone gives me a quick salute before marching to their posts. I grin to myself as I sit down in my chair. “It’s good to be captain,” I chuckle.

Two Hours Later…

I look at my holographic screen, marveling at the vastness of space. It’s all just so… Beautiful… Almost like God painted it himself…
“You like the sky too, huh?” a voice says next to me. I turn to see that Twilight was standing next to me with the same wide-eyed expression on her face. “I’ve always admired the way Princess Luna arranged the stars. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Princess Celestia did a good job too, but Princess Luna… She just made it so much better!”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “I thought you were still mad at me?”
She glares at me. “Oh trust me, I’m still pretty ticked,” she assures me, “but I guess I had to get over it sometime…”
I chuckle. “No time like the present!”
She rolls her eyes, but puts her hand on my shoulder. “Did you get a load of the Engine room?” she asks.
“No, what’s going on there?”
“Well, it’s pretty much all guys down there, so Applejack’s little… ‘Uniform adjustment’ is driving them wild!”
I grin. “Why are you so interested in Applejack’s uniform adjustment?”
She shrugs. “Just an interesting piece of info I thought I’d share with you. After all, you and she have a thing, don’t you?”
“Ok, when I say ‘it’s strictly sexual’, it means it’s strictly sexual!” I groan in exasperation. “I honestly don’t think it’s all that serious, and neither should you!”
“Well, aren’t you at least a little concerned?! After all, she’s nearly undressing in front of them!”
“Ok, now you’re just being mean!” I laugh. “Why are you so determined to make Applejack look bad to me? I thought she was your friend!”
Twilight sighs. “I thought she was too…”
“What are you saying here, Twi?” I ask in alarm.
She gives me a tired smile. “It’s nothing, alright?” she says a little too calmly.
“No seriously Twi!”
“It’s nothing!” she assures me a little too quickly. “Just focus on your job and see if we can’t make this go any faster!”
I look at her one last time before getting up. “I’m going to check up on everyone. You start alerting the Jamines that we’re about to arrive on Jamine-B.”
She gives me a salute and turns back to her station. I groan and look to the front of the room, where Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are staring intently at the screen. “How’s it going over here?” I ask.
Rainbow Dash turns to me, hiding the screen behind her back. “Doing great here, Captain!” she says a little too loudly. “Nothing going on over here!”
I raise an eyebrow. “Really now, so you won’t mind me checking what’s on the screen?”
Pinkie Pie jumps up, blocking her screen as well. “Actually, it’s some top secret pilot and navigator stuff! No one’s allowed to see it!”
“Not even the Captain?” I ask, suspicious.
Pinkie Pie shrugs. “I don’t make the rules, boss, I just follow them!”
I sigh and shove them out of the way of the screen to reveal a horrifying secret. “YOU GUYS WERE LOOKING AT ALIEN PORN?!?!” I cry.
“Not to jack off or anything!” Rainbow Dash says defensively. “We were just curious what kind of porn they’d have in space!”
“Turns out, dolphins are the universal standard for beauty!” Pinkie adds. “Kind of obvious, once you think about it.”
I look at the screen in disgust. “How the hell is that girl doing it with that weird octopus thing?!”
“Tentacles, Sebastian,” Pinkie Pie says seriously. “Lots and lots of tentacles.”
I shudder before continuing. “Look, you guys, we’ve got to stay focused! I mean, what happens if we hit an asteroid belt of something?!”
“Relax, the last asteroid belt was a few light years away!” Rainbow Dash laughs. “The path’s so smooth from here, I could just keep the ship on autopilot from here on out!”
I groan. “Fine, if you’re going to look up your weird tentacle porn, at least keep the controls and map on the other window.”
“Will do, Captain!” Pinkie grins with a chipper salute.
I take one last look at the disgusting video before walking out of the bridge. There, I see Rarity chatting up a young looking worker in a red shirt. “-and honestly, darling, you COULD use a bit of a trim… After all, when you’re as powerful as you are, you’ve got to look your best!”
The young man smiles. “Thank you Miss Rarity, but I’m just a repairman…”
Rarity looks at him in a manner of utmost awe. “YOU’RE the man responsible for this finely tuned machine! Why, you’re practically the most important man on the ship! Any fool can own a cheap bucket in the sky, but YOU make this deus-ex-machina shine!”
He blushes. “Oh, you’re just saying that,” he says modestly.
I clear my throat loudly. “Shouldn’t you be at your post, young man?” I ask sternly.
The poor guy goes pale with fear. “I’m sorry, captain!” he stutters. “I was just going there now!” and with a fearful salute, he scurries off.
Rarity slaps me on the chest. “Well what was that for?!” she asks indignantly.
I laugh. “THAT was me abusing my power! You know, kind of like you were abusing yours?”
She chuckles. “Oh, come now, darling! He obviously enjoyed the attention!”
“Hey, I’m just making sure that someone doesn’t file a sexual harassment charge on you.”
“Please, who would file a complaint on this?” she winked, running her hand over her body.
I clench a little before continuing. “I’m just saying that maybe you should tone it down a bit, alright? I’ve got enough trouble with your little ‘uniform adjustments’, especially down in the engine room with Applejack.”
“Honestly, darling, both you and I know that Applejack is a perfectly capable woman. If anyone can keep those ruffians in line, she definitely can!”
I shake my head. “Whatever you say. Anyways, I’ve got to go check on Fluttershy and see how she’s doing on the sick bay.”
“I’ll come with you.” Rarity says brightly, wrapping her arm around mine. “I must see Fluttershy about something anyways.”
I chuckle and walk down to a bright white door with her. “Hey Shy you in there?” I call, knocking on the door.
Someone in a hazmat suit comes walking out, letting steam get relead by the door. “Oh, it’s you guys!” Fluttershy’s voice says as she takes off the helmet. “Is it time to go to Jamine-B already?”
“Nah, I’m just checking up on you for a little bit. How’s it going in here?” I ask.
“Oh, wonderful!” she squeals, slipping out of the hazmat suit to reveal that Rarity had apparently left her mark on her uniform. “The patients here are so easy to treat, and everything’s so organized!”
I stare at Fluttershy’s chest for a little. “Uh… I see you’ve made an adjustment to the uniform,” I observe.
Looking at my line of sight, she blushes and covers herself. “I’m sorry, but it was just so tight in here, and I needed some way to breath.” she said sheepishly.
Rarity pats Fluttershy’s arm comfortingly. “No need to feel embarrassed, darling. With a bust as big as yours, the change was practically necessary.” she assures her.
I shake my head and try to get back to the conversation at hand. “Right, so would you mind giving us a little look of the hospital ward?”
She nods, still blushing, and puts on her hazmat suit again. She pushes a button on the wall and two other suits come flying out. “You’ll have to put it on while you’re in there,” she explains as she adjusts her mask. “Sorry, it’s Starfleet protocol.”
“Ugh, what a garish shade of white!” Rarity says in disgust as she pulls it on. “And it’s almost as if they went out of the way to make the suit as unflattering to the figure as possible! Oh, and don’t even get me started on the material-“
“Rarity, now’s really not the time for your whole fashionistia thing, so if you could turn off the switch a bit, that’d be great,” I smirk as I zip up the hazmat suit.
She gives me a look of scorn. “There’s no ‘off switch’ for my fashionista thing. Just sit back and be enlightened!” “She says with dignity before putting on her helmet.
I chuckle as we step into the decontamination shower, where pressure and steam is blasted at us at 60 mph winds. “Sorry, another protocol!” Fluttershy calls over the roar of the air.
We finally get to the sick ward, where I’m surprised to find that only two beds were filled. “Isn’t all this protocol a bit excessive?” I ask Fluttershy.
She shrugs. “The Starfleet Medical Instructional Manual was kind of specific on how things were done. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, I suppose.” She walks over to a pale patient who was sweating profusely. “How are we doing, Miss Evoch?”
She smiles weakly. “Oh, just fine, Princess.” she titters. “I’m about to get married to the King.”
Fluttershy pats her comfortingly on the shoulder before turning to us. “Poor Miss Evoch… We thought it might be simple space delirium, but we got worried when the sweat began to turn green,” she explains.
Rarity, meanwhile, had been looking around the hospital ward with a critical eye. “Have you ever thought of making this place a little cheerier?” she asks as she scans the bare walls. “I’m sorry, but it looks so dreadfully dreary!”
Fluttershy, who’s currently attending a furry little man with horns, looks over to the walls. “Well, I suppose you’re right…”
“Of course I’m right! How do you expect the patients to get better if they have to stare at this blank celling all day?” She turns to the furry little man, bending over to his eye level. “Everyone needs a little eye candy, don’t they?” she croons, tickling his chin.
Although the effect was slightly ruined by the fact she was wearing a hazmat suit, the little man reacted with several sharp barks and howls. Rarity giggles at his response. “I guess big things do come in little packages.” she laughs as she pats the little man on the head. He responds by bouncing up and down excitedly. “My, you’re a feisty little man, aren’t you?” she coos.
Fluttershy looks up from the clipboard on the side of the bed and checks something off. “Alright, you’re free to go Mr. Keow. Don’t hesitate to ask if that sore throat persists for two days or more.”
The little man gives a yip and scurries over to a small room in the corner of the ward. He comes out wearing a little blue Federation uniform, gives a salute to the three of us, and skips out of the room. Rarity giggles as she watches this. “Such a darling little thing,” she says fondly.
“Alright, before you and the Ewok there are lawfully wedded, let’s finish the tour of the ship, shall we?” I scoff. “Sorry Shy, we better get moving.”
She gives us a little wave. “Alright, goodbye!” she says cheerfully before turning back to Miss Evoch.
Rarity and I go through the decontamination shower, take off our hazmat suits, and put them in a disposal unit before we head down to the engine room. “You were SO jealous,” Rarity teased.
I scoff. “Of pipsqueak over there? Pfft, yeah right!”
She pushes me playfully. “You were! Aw, how sweet.”
“So help me God, Rarity, I’ll have you on the ship’s brig if you keep this up!”
“Oh, you’re no fun!” she pouts, crossing her arms around her chest.
I sigh as the temperature increase about a thousand degrees, signaling that we are entering the engine room. “I’m starting to see what Applejack was talking about,” I admit as I roll up my sleeves.
“Well, howdy there, Captain!” Applejack voice calls from farther up ahead. We go a little farther to find that she was tightening the bolts of a complex looking device with a large wrench. “How’s everythin’ on the bridge with Tight-Ass?”
I chuckle. “Everything’s good, so far,” I reply, wiping a bead of sweat off of my forehead. “Since when did you start calling her ‘Tight-Ass’?”
“Behind her back? Ages now,” she shrugs, leaning on the wall of the room. “She always was a bit strained, ya know?”
“Well… I guess…” I admit. “But I’m pretty sure she’s got a good heart. Anyways, why aren’t you pissed at me anymore?”
She sighs. “Ah dunno, Ah guess Ah don’t see much point in it after all this is happenin’…”
I give her a sly smile. “Well, why don’t you come upstairs sometime so that you can show that all’s forgiven? Maybe after all this is over?”
She giggles and gets close to me. “Oh, Ah wouldn’t count on that happenin’, Captin,” she croon, squeezing my nose playfully.
Rarity scoffs. “Honestly, it’s like I’m dealing with teenagers over here!” she say, exasperated.
I raise an eyebrow. “You’re one to talk, Mrs. Ewok!”
“I’m sure if I knew what you were referring to, I’d be dreadfully offended, but for this particular moment, I’m picking the bliss of ignorance,” she says, dignified.
Applejack rolls her eyes. “Anyways, there ain’t much to look at here… Just a bunch of engines, Ah got a few guys in storage, and then we’ve got the teleporter bay! Everythin’s in tip-top shape, as far as Ah know.”
Just then, a massive boom sounds through the ship, making the walls shake. “Dear God, what was that?!” I ask.
“Ah dunno!” Applejack says, obviously as alarmed as I was. “Everythin’ was perfect a second ago!”
A small beep from beside me alerts me that my communicator was ringing. I flip it open quickly. “What’s going on up there?!” I ask urgently.
“It’s the Jamines!” Twilight’s voice cries. “They've started a surprise attack!"
> Chapter The Fifth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Fifth, or “In Which We Hail the Enemy”


In light of the news, I turn to Applejack, trying to keep my nerve. “Make sure that the ship stays in the best shape it can be. I want all of our systems to be at optimal conditions while we fight these guys.”
She gives me a salute and rushes off to attend the rest of the engine crew. I turn to Rarity to find that she had a surprised look on her face. “What are you so shocked about?” I ask.
“You of course!” she says in amazement. “I’m sorry, but I never knew you could be such a leader!”
She’s not the only one, I smirk to myself before returning my attention to my First Mate. “Enough of the compliments, we need to be on the bridge now to confront the attackers!”
She nods and we run off, passing many distraught crew members as we do so. When we arrive, we find Rainbow Dash and Pinkie frantically pressing buttons on the screen, while Twilight paces nervously at her dashboard. “How’s it going up here?” I ask urgently.
“The Jamines have stopped firing, but their ships are still surrounding us.” Rainbow Dash reports. “Pinkie and I are trying to find a way out, but it isn’t looking easy…”
I turn to Twilight. “Have you alerted Starfleet?”
She shakes her head. “All communication has been fried! We can’t talk to anyone but the Jamine ships, and they’re keeping their silence!”
“Have you tried fixing it?”
“Of course I’ve tried fixing it!” she says irritably. “I’ve tried everything, even magic! Nothing’s working!”
I flip open my communicator. “Jackie, status report on the ship?”
“Nothin’ but a minor scrape,” she says back. “They barely grazed us, but Ah gotta feelin they were just lettin’ off warnin’ shots.”
“Fluttershy, and injuries?” I ask.
“No, none yet, though poor Miss Evoch is shivering!”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Alrighty then… Now all we have to do is sit here and wait until the Jamines are ready to talk to us…”
As if summoned, a small beeping comes from Twilight’s dashboard. “It’s coming from the leading battleship,” she announces. “They request to speak with you about a surrender.”
I sit down into my swivel chair. “Hail the enemy,” I command.
A large screen slides in the front of the room. The image flickers a bit before showing our aggressor, a man with a thin, lined face and grey hair. His ears are sharp and pointed, and his nose is almost beaklike. His sharp, ice-cold eyes look piercingly at me. “To whom do I owe the pleasure?” he asks in a deep, cool voice.
I look straight into the camera. “Captain Sebastian Fabio Espinosa deSalvador of Starfleet,” I reply. “And you?”
“Commander Nav-I of the Zuir clan, leader of the Jamine Imperial Fleet,” he says haughtily.
I raise my eyebrows. “The Galactic Federation was under the impression that the Jamine Empire was disbanded,”
His eyes flash with anger but he forces a fierce smile. “The Galactic Federation was obviously misled.”
I chuckle. “We tend to do that. After all, we all make mistakes.”
He makes a weird clicking sound, obviously one of disdain. “The Jamines do not make mistakes. We are beings of superior intellect and judgment.”
“Well, superiority aside, we have to talk,” I say seriously. “Not only has your government violated Federation code by purchasing a banned substance, but you and your fleet have accosted a Starfleet ship without provocation. These two offenses are enough to cause you and your people some serious consequences, but if you allow us to go now and finish our mission, I would be more than happy to negotiate some form of-“
“The Jamines do NOT negotiate,” Nav-I interrupts imperiously, “especially with beings as low as human kind!”
I sigh and turn to the crew in exasperation. “Why is it that aliens always hate human kind?” I ask them before turning to the screen. “I mean, we’re flawed, sure, but isn’t everyone?”
Nav-I’s nostrils flare in anger. “The Jamines are NOT flawed. They are the superior lifeform, and will not tolerate being slandered and insulted by a lower form!”
I fix my eye on him. “I take it that you won’t be accepting our offer?”
“No, Captain Espinosa, it is YOU who will have to accept OUR offer,” he says grimly. “Surrender now, tell the Federation that we will not abide their rules any longer, and that it would be in their best interest to no longer interfere with our business.”
I give the Jamine commander a grin. “Seems to me that your people has had this all planned out.”
He gives me a little nod. “The Jamines are experts in strategy and tactics. We are ALWAYS planning.”
“Well, unfortunately, us ‘lesser beings’ need a little time to pull ourselves together,” I admit.
He smirks. “You have two and a half hours to give us your decision. If you do not reply, you and your crew will be destroyed.” With that, the screen flickers and turns off.
I turn to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. “How’s that escape route coming, girls?”
“Well, we’ve got good news and bad news,” Rainbow Dash begins. “Good news is that the Jamines do have a strategic weak point, and it’s kind of easy to get through.”
“Then what’s the bad news?” I ask.
“It’s too easy!” Pinkie Pie exclaims. “Like, super-duper-mega WAAAAY too easy to fly through!”
“They probably have something up their sleeves for that one,” I admit, looking at the screen. “Still, I can’t see how they’d be able to get us from there… Let’s avoid that, to be safe. Anything else?”
“Well, yeah, but it isn’t pretty,” Rainbow Dash admits. “It involves doing a corkscrew between the ships at warp speed, and losing ten percent of the ship in the process.”
“Well, that one will have to be a last resort,” I sigh as I turn to Twilight. “Any communication so far?”
“None at all, Captain,” Twilight admits. “They’ve got something that’s somehow ‘swallowing’ the signal!”
“What do you mean by that?”
“It’s hard to explain, Sebastian… The best way to describe it would be that the surrounding ships are sucking up the signal of the Enterprise VI so that it can only make contact with the Jamine ships.”
“So that’s no good…” I pull out my communicator and flip it open. “Any ideas, Jackie?”
“Ah’ve got one, but it won’t exactly be solid,” her voice replies unsurely.
“Come on, let’s hear it!”-
“Well, what if someone went on the enemy ship, found out what it was that was suckin’ up the signal, and then zapped back here and took it back to the ship?”
“I dunno… How would we be able to know where the signal’s being sucked into?” I’d ask.
“Just got a lock on it,” replies Twilight as she looks up from her screen. “Apparently, the device is located in the engine room of the back ship!”
“Twilight, you’re a genius!” I laugh, kissing her forehead.
She blushes deep red. “All I had to do was trace where the signal was going,” she said modestly.
Rarity rolls her eyes. “I’d hate to ruin such a heartwarming moment, but even if we have the location of the machine, how are we supposed to get there that before they blow the ship to bits?”
“Well, remember that teleporter Ah was tellin’ y’all about earlier? Well, Ah think that I can configure it so that you’d be able to make it in their ship and snatch up that sucker before they can know what hit ‘em!”
“Hmm… What if they’ve already thought of that?” I ask.
“Then we’re boned,” she admits.
“Wait! What if Twilight and I could mix our teleportation magic with the teleporter bay?” Rarity asked. “That’d certainly give us an element of surprise!”
“Can it be done?” I ask Applejack.
“Ah guess in theory,” she admits, “but Ah’d say we’d be treadin’ thin ice if we mess with it too much…”
“Well, it’s our best shot! What do you say, Twi?” I ask.
She gets up. “I suppose there’s no alternative,” she says, determined. “Let’s do it!”
“Alright, AJ! Get the machine ready by the time we get there! Everyone else, keep looking for some way to get out of this if this doesn’t work out!” I command.
Everyone salutes and goes to their work. I signal Twilight and Rarity to me, and we begin to make our way to the engine room. “Do you really think it’ll work?” I ask.
“It makes sense on paper…” Rarity admits. “What about you, Twi? You’re the expert in this! Could you mix magic with technology this easily?”
Twilight bits her lip nervously. “Normally, I’d say yes… I mean, back home, I mixed magic with nearly everything in my apartment! The only thing I don’t know is if human teleportation logarithms can mix easily with Equestrian ones…”
“Well, maybe we should check it out first, just to be sure,” I suggest.
“But who would take part in something so uncertain? We’re literally destroying them in order to remake them somewhere else!” Twilight exclaims. “The chances of us getting it right on the first try are astronomical!”
I feel a grin grow on my face. “Don’t worry, Twi! Starfleet has a proud tradition of sending certain people where no men have gone before! A special kind of person willing to spit in death’s eye if needed!”

At the Engine Room…

“Uh, sir?” the young man in the red shirt asked meekly. “Are you sure this’ll work?”
I look dead into the red shirt’s eye. “Look here, private,” I say in my best tough commander voice, “I’m not sure about a lot of things. I’m not sure if this tin will keep us alive in the cold, dead, lonely reaches of space. I’m not sure if there’s a merciful God, and I’m not sure just what exactly I’d do for a Klondike Bar. But let me tell you private, that if I spent time worrying about that sort of thing, I wouldn’t make it to the rank of captain!” I turn to the girls, who were waiting at the teleporter controls a few feet behind me. “Light it up, ladies!”
Applejack gives me the thumbs up and charges up the teleporter while Rarity and Twilight concentrate their auras onto the device. I turn to the private and put my hand on his shoulder. “You ready to do it for science, private?”
He nods tearfully. “I’m ready, Captain,” he sobs.
I give him a smile and go to the controls while the private walks slowly to the teleportation bay. “Alright, go!” I bellow.
The red-shirt is surrounded by a mixture of gold, purple, and blue before fading out of existence. Twilight turns to me anxiously. “Do you think he made it, Sebastian?”
“What, are you kidding me?” I scoff. “That’s like the tenth red-shirt we’ve sent! He’s GOT to have made it to the medical bay in one piece!”
I get the sound I was waiting for from the communicator and I whip it out quickly. “What’s the report, Fluttershy?”
“Well, the good news is that he hasn’t been killed, mutilated, disfigured, or harmed in any way possible.” she sighs in relief. “The only thing that’s a little weird is that he’s got an extreme urge for chocolate, but other than that, I’d say that it’s finally worked.”
“Alright, in that case, we’re good to go!” I declare. “So who’s going to come with me?”
The room gets extraordinarily quiet as no one jumps up to volunteer. “C’mon, anyone?” I ask weakly. “Rarity?”
“Oh, well, I’d LOVE to go,” she says nervously, looking around desperately, “but I, uh, have to power the teleporter. That’s right, I have to do that!”
“Ugh, whatever… Fluttershy?” I ask.
“God damn it Sebastian, I’m a doctor, not a kamikaze!” she says angrily before gasping.  “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry Sebastian! It’s just that I’ve got so many patients, and all of the medical staff needs me, and then I just didn’t know what I was saying, and-“
I chuckle. “Don’t sweat it, Shy, it’s probably just a feeling in your ‘Bones’. I guess I’ll just have to hunt down some red-shirts to help me,” I sigh dramatically before looking at the crew discreetly.
Suddenly, Twilight gets up. “I’ll go,” she says with a determined look on her face. “I can operate my end of the teleportation logarithm from the beam itself.”
I raise my eyebrow. “You sure? There’s a high chance of us not making it…”
“I’m sure,” she smiles. “Trust me; I’m used to this ‘dangerous situation’ thing.”
Applejack gets up. “Ah’ll come too,” she announces.
“Jackie, I don’t think that’d be such a good idea… I mean, you’re supposed to be operating the teleportation bay!” I say nervously.
“And leave you with her?!” she says incredulously. “Over my dead body!”
“Don’t get my hopes up!” Twilight retorts. “I might just take you up on that offer!”
“Oh God, give me strength,” I groan. “You know what? Applejack, I ORDER you, as your captain, to stay aboard the ship and man the teleporter bay. You’re probably the only one who can manage it, and I’m not risking bringing you both because that might disrupt the mission. Are we clear?”
A long silence holds before Applejack sighs in defeat and plops down into her chair. “Fine, but Ah don’t like it.”
“Good. Now shake hands with Twilight.”
She groans and takes Twilight’s hand in hers. “Tight-ass,” she mutters.
“Whore,” Twilight smirks back, sticking out her tongue.
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” I sigh as I turn towards the teleporter bay. “Rarity, go call a red-shirt over here so we can lift off.”
“Why?”
“Because someone’s probably going to die on this mission and it sure as hell won’t be me!” I say impatiently. “Now go get the goddamn red-shirt!”

Ten Minute Later…

As Twilight, the red-shirt, and I stand on the teleporter bay, I pull out a box of regulation phasers. “Alrighty lady and gent, what we have here is a dangerous weapon. We have three settings: Stun, kill, and vaporize. Point the end that isn’t the trigger at the things that you want to stun, kill, or vaporize. You got that?”
Twi nods. “Got it.”
I fix my eye on the red shirt. “What about you, rookie?”
He swallows loudly in fear. “Y-y-y-yes sir.”
“Good!” I grin. “You’re now trained to use a phaser.” I turn to the ladies at the control panels and give them the thumbs up. “Alrighty ladies, ready when you are!”
“Wait one sec,” Applejack interrupts. “There’s one more thing we need to do.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
She steps up to me and throws her arms around me. “Come back safe, sugar,” she whispers urgently into my ear.
I stand there in shock. “Uh, well, I, you see-“ I babble.
She gives me a peck on the cheek and goes back to the control panel. “You ready to do this, girls?” she says a little too loudly.
Twilight, who was glaring at me, gives a little huff. “As long as we don’t have any more interruptions,” she says scathingly.
Rarity represses a giggle. “We’re ready here, darling,” she says, trying to hide her smile.
I shake the confusing thoughts out of my head and put on a determined face. “Light her up, Jackie!”
She flips the switch, and the gold, purple, and blue aura surrounds us, wrapping and coiling around us like a vine. I feel a sudden empty feeling in my stomach, almost as if I’m fading away…
Suddenly, something goes wrong. All the air in my lungs is push out, and I feel as if I’m going to explode. My eyes are popping out of my head, but it’s all such a flurry of colors and darkness that I can’t see anyways. Then, as suddenly as it began, the horror ends, leaving me, Twilight, and the red shirt gasping for air. I turn to the purple haired xenolinguist in confusion. “What the fuck just happened there?!”
She turns to me with a sheepish grin. “Sorry, looks like I got a bit distracted!” she admits, gasping for air herself.
“Wait, we nearly DIED because you couldn’t hold your concentration?!” I ask incredulously. “Where the hell are we, anyways?!”
The red shirt’s eyes widen in awe. “Look up and see,” he murmurs quietly.
I look up to a clear purple force field around us, allowing me to see billions and billions of stars above us, each burning brightly. Little bits of rocks and ice float weightlessly above us, while a small planet hovers only a few hundred thousand feet away from where we are. “YOU TELEPORTED US TO SPACE?!”
Twilight blushes. “Hey, at least we’re on the right ship!” she points out. “All we have to do is get in!”
“And how the hell do we do that?!” I ask. “More teleportation?!”
She bites her lip. “Actually, what’s keeping us alive is preventing me from doing that,” she admits, waving around her arm. “It’s taken me a lot of energy to make this aura field so we can breathe AND walk in standard gravity AND not freeze to death in space!”
“Well, that’s just dandy!” I say sarcastically. “Now all we have to do is die out here!”
“Uh, Captain?” a meek voice interjects, I turn to see the red shirt raising his hand in question. “Do you think we could get in with that thing?”
“What thing?” I ask irritably. crashes on the ground next to us. In the center of it, a large, shivering eye of golden yellow stares at us. “AHHHHH!! SPACE PEOPLE!!” It screams in a mechanized voice.
I grin evilly. “That’ll work!” I grab the sphere by its handle, carry it over to the nearest window (which was conveniently a mere two feet away) and began to smash it against the glass. “THIS IS THE ONLY THING YOU’LL EVER BE GOOD FOR; YOU DAMN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT!!” I grunt angrily as I bash the machine over and over again.
“NOOO! BAD SPACE MAN!” it cries, bits of it falling out. “LET ME BACK INTO SPAAAACE!!! I MISS SPAAAAACE!!! I WANNA KEEP FLOATING IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!”
With one last bellow, I shatter the window, sending chunks of glass floating away. With a grunt of satisfaction, I chuck the sphere as far away from me as possible, leaving it to float once again. “Good riddance, you hunk of defective junk!!” I cackle.
“NOOO! I TAKE IT BACK!” it wails. “DON’T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE! I HATE SPAAAACE!”
I wipe a little sweat off of my forehead before turning around to see Twilight and the red shirt staring at me. “What?” I ask.
“What was all that about?!” Twilight asks incredulously. “You were like an axe murderer just then!”
“Trust me, if you knew what he was, you’d do the same thing,” I assure her as I get inside of the ship. “Now come one! Let’s take this sucker out!”
Twilight sighs and follows reluctantly, leaving the red shirt all alone outside, staring at where the Space Sphere floated off. “Hey, you coming with us, red shirt?” I call.
He shakes himself out of his thoughts and jogs over to where Twilight and I are standing. Twilight focuses again, leaving a violet aura around the area we broke into. “There!” she says, apparently pleased with herself. “That’ll seal up the hole until we leave!”
“Clever girl,” I chuckle as I look around at the surrounding area. Nearly every inch of the room was devoted to strange and complicated devices, and the temperature was practically at boiling point. “I’m guessing this is the engine room?” I ask, pulling up my sleeves.
Twilight nods. “I’m glad we weren’t too off course, or we might have had much more trouble with this.”
“Oh yeah, we only had a LITTLE trouble getting here,” I smirk.
“Uh, Captain?” the red shirt asks nervously. “Now that we’re here, which one do we grab?”
“Hmm, good question… Can you tell which one it is, Twi?”
Twilight closes her eyes, as if in deep thought, before opening them again. “It’s that one,” she says confidently, pointing to a cylindrical machine about the size of a large trashcan. It was hooked on to a series of several loops of wires and was bolted down to the floor of the ship.
I bend over to inspect the bolts holding down the device. “You think you could unscrew them, Twi?”
“You didn’t bring a tool to disassemble it?” she asks in annoyance.
I shrug. “Kind of pointless when you can just do everything with magic,” I point out.
She sighs in exasperation and focuses once again. The bolts are surrounded by a purple aura before being lifted out of their holes and placed in a neat little row next to the machine. “You happy now?” she asks, putting her hand on her hips.
“Yeah, pretty happy,” I grin as I go to the back of the machine to pull the wires out of their respective modules. “Now all we have to do is lift it. You think you can manage?”
“Not this time, I’m afraid,” she smirks, putting her hands on her hips. “Unless, of course, you want me to release the air lock.”
“Fine,” I sigh. “Red shirt, get on the other side of this thing and we’ll lift it on the count of three, alright?”
He nods and gets on the other side. “Alright, let’s do this!” I begin. “One… Two… Three!”
The machine is surprisingly dense, but we manage to lift it comfortably between us. “Alright Twi, call Applejack and tell her to beam us up!” I call.
“Halt! Intruders!” a deep voice bellows. I crane my neck to see that a group of Jamites, each nearly identical to Commander Nav-I, pointing their guns at us. “Put down that piece of machinery at this instant!”
I sigh and lower the machine to the ground. “Alright, we surrender,” I started putting my hands up. “We’ll go quietly as long as you don’t- TWILIGHT, RELEASE THE AIRLOCK!” I holler as I grab the machine as tightly as I could.
Suddenly, all the air in the room gets sucked out, and several of the Jamines (and our red shirt) go flying out the window. I whip out my phaser and blast a few random machines before rushing to my communicator. “Beam us up, Jackie!” I shout hoarsely.
The familiar glitter surrounds the two of us and we suddenly find ourselves at the teleportation bay of the ship. “Oh thank the Sisters we made it,” Twilight sighs in relief.
The crew gives us a round of applause and I take a bow. “Alrighty, crew, let’s get this baby hooked up!” I say triumphantly.
A group of red shirts grab the machine and haul it to another room while Rainbow Dash runs up to us. “Dude, the ship you were on just blew up!” she grins excitedly. “What the hell did you do to those guys?”
I smirk. “You’d be surprised what damage and idiot with a phaser can do.” I wink as we walk back to the control room.
Applejack also catches up to us, slightly out of breath. “Well, if they weren’t gonna slaughter us before, they’re certainly gonna do that now.” she says warningly.
“Yeah, I know,” I say, smile fading off my face. “Twilight, see if the Jamine leader’s ready to talk some more!”
She nods and rushes off to her seat. “Rainbow Dash, prepare the best escape route you can find!” I order as I sit down in my captain’s chair. “Applejack, keep an eye on the installation of the signal-sucker, and make sure that the ship’s weapons are prepared for battle!”
Applejack salutes and rushes back to the engine room, while Rainbow Dash sits down at the screen and conspires with Pinkie Pie. “I think we should take that obvious route that we were looking at earlier. It may not feel right, but I can’t see any way they could do anything to us now- HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THE SCREEN!”
I flip on the large display board to reveal what Rainbow Dash was freaking out about: In place of the empty space that was there earlier, a giant black swirl had taken over the area, and was growing at an alarming rate. “What the fuck is that thing?!” I gasp.
“I don’t know, but the Jamine Commander’s on the other line!” Twilight says urgently. “Maybe he’ll explain everything!”
The screen splits into two section, revealing Nav-I looking livid. “Now you and your federation shall pay for your offenses to the Jamine people!” he roars in horrible triumph. “Congratulations, for you have sprung your own trap!”
“Commander Nav-I, what is that thing?!” I growl urgently.
He lets out a derisive laugh. “That, my dear Captain, is the osha-10 that you were so keen to confiscate from us! If we cannot rule this solar system, than it shall simply cease to exist!”
“You’re insane!” I cry out in horror. “You’d rather let your people die than coexist with other life-forms?!”
He lets out a terrifying hissing noise as his eyes turn red. “THE JAMINES DO NOT COEXIST!” he bellows. “WE RULE EVERYONE IN OUR PATH, OR DESTROY THEM IN THE PROCESS!” And with a loud, mad cackle, he cuts off communication between the ships.
I turn to Rainbow Dash urgently. “What are the chances that we can warp speed our way out of this?!”
“Not looking good!” she replies, obviously shaken. “The Jamines have closed a circle around us so that we can’t even barrel through them without losing a quarter of the ship!”
“Damn it! Those crazy bastards are going to take us with them!” I groan, resting my face on my hands.
Suddenly, my communicator rings. “Captain, we’ve got the signal-sucker on our side, the shields are up, and battle stations are ready!” Applejack reports. “What are your orders?”
I turn back to RD and Pinkie. “You girls think we could blast our way through the Jamine ship blockade?”
They look at the screen for a bit before looking at me nervously. “I guess it’d technically be possible, but by the time we’re finished blasting through them, the black hole would have grown large enough to swallow us,” Pinkie explains reluctantly.
I sigh. “Well then, if we have to go down, we’ll do it on our terms! Jackie,” I say into my communicator. “Tell the crew to fire at any Jamine ship they can! We’re going to go out in style!” I sit back into my chair, looking grimly ahead of me. “Twi, alert Starfleet of the impending doom. Tell them to send a team to rescue the people in the solar system and evacuate as many as possible.”
“Yes sir,” she sniffs, tearfully saluting.
“Rainbow, map out the most aggressive strategy possible and employ it against those Jamine bastards!” I continue.
“Hell yes, sir!” she grins, leaning over the controls eagerly.
“Rarity, make sure that Fluttershy and the rest now how it’s going to go down. Bring everyone up here for the last few minutes.”
My violet-haired first mate wipes a few tears from her eyes before getting it together. “Yes, Captain,” she salutes, her voice breaking slightly before she runs off.
“Pinkie Pie?”
“Yes Captain?” she asks tentatively.
“Play ‘Rocket Man’ for us,” I sigh, tears dripping down my face.
Surprisingly, she smiles gently before turning on the music. I turn the screen on to reveal the battle outside, with so many bright beams coming at us and just bouncing casually off the ship, whereas for some reason, all of our shots seemed to send the Jamine ships straight into the void. It’s almost surreal how in this very moment, we seem invincible against an enemy that had us on the ropes less than three hours ago. I smile to myself as I watch the brilliant space battle ensue, watching the ships get blasted into the black hole. Where was this power when we needed it? I grin to myself, tears running down my face.
Suddenly, Rarity comes back from her assignment, bringing along the rest of the crew with us. “Here they are, sir,” she says softly. “Everyone’s here.”
Fluttershy flies up to me and buries her face into my neck, crying softly. “Is this really the end?” she asks.
I only smile sadly. “...And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time as touchdown brings me down again to fly.” I murmur softly. “I’m not the man they think I am at all, oh no no no… I’m a rocket man…” Fluttershy lets go of me, simply crying alone now.
Suddenly, a large ship comes into view of the screen. “That’s the ship where Nav-I is!” Twilight says urgently.
I feel an inexplicable rage go through me. “Rainbow Dash, may I have the honors?” I ask rather viciously.
She nods wordlessly and gets up from her chair. I sit down and take a deep breath before putting my hands at the control. “Yippie ki yay, motherfucker,” I growl softly, and I ram the Enterprise VI into that son-of-a-bitch’s tin can, hurling him into the growing darkness. I swear that I can just barely make out his ice cold stare glittering from the window of his ship.
I sigh and get up, moving back to my own seat. Pressing a small button on the side of the arm rest, I take another deep breath and switch off the music. “Captain’s log… I don’t know the stardate today,” I begin. “All I know is that this will be my first and last entry, just as this was the first and last flight of the Starship Enterprise IV. I want to say that it’s been a privilege captaining this crew, and that I couldn’t ask for a better way to go. It hasn’t been me that’s been leading you guys, not at all! Rather, it’s you guys that have been leading me to what we’ve accomplished today…” I switch off the captains log and watch with the rest of the crew as the ship begins to enter the black hole…
I wake up in the same blank room as I was before this whole crazy adventure began. “Is that it?” I ask the empty space. “Does the whole ‘mind travel’ just end there?!”
“Of course not, my silly boy!” Discord’s laugh rang throughout the room. “Why, it’s only the beginning!”
I turn around to find that Discord was standing right behind that. “I have to say, that exit was a bit of a tear jerker!” he chuckles, pulling out a gaudy pink handkerchief embroidered with daisies. “It’s been a privilege captaining this crew, and that I couldn’t ask for a better way to go…” he says, perfectly imitating my voice before switching back to his own and blowing his nose loudly. “It was just so touching!”
I scoff. “Yeah, yeah, well… I kind of played it out a lot when I was a teenager…”
He laughs and teleports away, only to show up right behind me again. “Well, I’m assuming that the teenaged you also made some reactions to the other eight situations that I’m going to put you through!”
My eyes nearly pop out of my head. “Whoa whoa whoa, eight more?!” I ask incredulously. “We didn’t even survive THIS situation!”
“Oh please, you’ll love ‘em!” he assures me, dismissing my panic. “Trust me on this, this has been the most fun I’ve had since a special friend of mine back here!”
“And that friend would be…?” I ask curiously.
He cackles and slaps me on the back. “Oh please, I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise too early! Now, as I was saying, this little excursion is more or less how this game is going to play out: You get to make a world of your own, and then you’ll fight a ‘boss’ that allows you to escape and move on to the next one! Seem fair?”
I think it over in my head and nod. “Seems like a fairly straightforward plan… What’s the catch?”
“Catch? There’s no catch!” Discord says innocently, a halo suddenly appearing above his head with a small ding! “I’m just helping someone live out their dreams, all from the goodness of my heart!”
I smirk. “Please, I’m a lawyer! I KNOW that nobody does ANYTHING from the goodness of their heart!”
“Really? You took in a whole village of complete strangers from another dimension out of the kindness of your heart!” he points out.
“Not really,” I admit, smiling sheepishly. “It was more because of the fact that it was almost like having a piece of my past with me! I mean, that was the best thing ever!”
He smiles a suspiciously sly smile, but shrugs his shoulders. “Ah well. You win some you lose some! Anyways, why don’t we introduce you to your next challenge?”
I open my mouth to protest, but before I do, a trap door opens up beneath me. I float there for about half a second before falling straight down into the pit of darkness…
I wake up with a slight stinging on the back of my head. I run my hand over the sensation only to find that the source was a fairly large bump on my head. Grumbling slightly, I get up and look around at my surroundings.  Apparently, I was in the middle of some forest, as there were trees with emerald green leaves everywhere. Oh goody, nature, I groan sarcastically to myself as I brush some grass off my shirt. Feeling a slight thirst, I walk towards a babbling brook not too far away and dunk my hand in to scoop up a little water. As the water settles, I see a strange image: A man with a green tunic, white tights, and a ridiculously long pointy hat. He had pointy ears and serious looking eyes, but at the same time managed to look very young.
I look behind me to check for the stranger, but there’s no one there. Looking around wildly, I finally turn back to the fountain to see that the stranger had apparently doing the same thing. I slowly raise my arm, only to see him do it too. I move back and forth, only to see the stranger mirror my every move. Finally, I touch my face, only to see him do it as well. Good God… I’m Link!
I get up suddenly, trying to make sense of it all. Alright, if I’m Link that means I must have a sword somewhere around here… I look back to the place where I was laying earlier to find a large double-bladed sword stuck directly into the ground. I cautiously wrap my fingers around it and pull it out, feeling its surprisingly light weight and admiring the craftsmanship. Indeed, the blade was tinged a sky-blue color, and the handle had been decorated with feathers that were the colors of the rainbow. A crest of a cloud with a lightning bolt coming out of it was engraved on the blade, adding an extra layer of coolness. Well, it isn’t the Master Sword, but it sure looks kick-ass, I think cheerfully to myself.
Suddenly, I hear a muffled yelling from the top of the hilt. I take my hand off to find a large crystal at the top of the sword handle. Mist swirls endlessly inside the object until a familiar face comes into focus. “Where the hell am I?!” Rainbow Dash yells.
> Chapter the Sixth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Sixth, or “In Which We Go A-Questing”


I drop the sword in panic, unable to believe my eyes. Was that sword just talking like Rainbow Dash?! I think frantically.
“Sebastian? Is that you?” Rainbow Dash’s voice called from the sword. “I can’t see anything but dirt! Pick me up again!”
I quickly pick the sword up from the ground and dust it off. As soon as I do, a blue-tinted hologram of the girl pops out. “Thanks,” she sighs in relief. “Anyways, do you know what’s going on here?”
I try to speak, but for some reason, no coherent words come out. What the hell’s up with my voice?! I think to myself as I frantically try to string a sentence together.
“You alright, Sebastian?” Rainbow asks worriedly. “You didn’t get some head trauma when you got here, did you?”
“Oh, he doesn’t have much to say right now,” a smug voice says from behind us. I turn to see Discord in a skin-tight green outfit with some red underwear on the outside. “See, I decided that maybe it’d be better if he didn’t talk for a while, just to see what happens!”
“That’s no fair!” Rainbow Dash cries indignantly. “How else is he supposed to communicate?”
The chaos god rolls his eyes. “Fine. He’ll be able to say five words throughout this stage, but only five!” he sighs in exasperation as he snaps his fingers, releasing a white flash. “As soon as you say your five words, it’s back to crude sign language, Coco!”
I open my mouth to retort, but thinking better of it; I shut my mouth and smirk smugly. Not THIS TIME, bitch! I think triumphantly to myself.
Discord, seeing my attempt at speaking, grins. “Anyways, I should complement you again for another fun-filled world for me to make! I especially like the costume I get to wear,” he smirks, wiggling his rump. “It’s like I’m wearing nothing at all!”
“Ugh, that’s an image I never wanted to see,” Rainbow Dash groans. “Can we just get on with this?”
Discord sticks his tongue out. “Fine. You two will meet up with the others in a little bit. As for what you have to do to get out of here… Well, I have a feeling it’ll find you before you find it... Anyways, I better go! TINGLE, TINGLE! KOOLOO-LIMPAH!” And with that, a mass of balloons pops behind him and carries him off.
“Well, that was weird,” Rainbow sighs, shaking her head.
I nod in agreement before pointing at the woods ahead of us.
“Yeah, we should probably look for them,” Rainbow Dash nods. “Come on, let’s go!” and with that, she pops back into my sword hilt.
I slide Rainbow Dash into her sheath and begin my walk into the forest, trying to stay alert. Well, this “no talking thing” is going to be a bitch… I think to myself as I duck under a tree. I have no idea how this one’s going to work out…
Suddenly, I hear a loud rustling behind us. “What was that?” Rainbow Dash asks, obviously alarmed.
I shrug and continue on my way. However, the rustling got closer and closer to us, almost as if it was following me. I pull out the Rainbow-blade and get into a fighting stance. Hours of playing Ocarina of Time, don’t fail me now…
The bushes in front of us begin to quiver violently, as if something were trying to struggle through them. Finally, as the tension builds, the bushes give way to reveal… A small pink skinned elf with a ton of puffy pink curls on her head. “Hey stranger, have you seen my friends?” it asks in a familiar voice.
“Pinky!” Rainbow Dash cries, bursting out of the sword again. “It’s us! Rainbow Dash and Sebastian!”
The pink elf gives a little gasp before racing up to us and jumping up and down excitedly. “Ohmygoshisn’tthissuperdupercool?!?!” she asks in the typical Pinkie Pie style. “ImeanI’msoadorableandcuteandohlookDashiesaswordbutohmygoshthisisgonnabesomuchfun!!!” With one last gasp, she plops down on her back, panting heavily.
Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes. “Yup, that’s Pinkie Pie alright!”
Pinkie-elf hops back on her feet as quickly as she fell down. “Oh my gosh, I almost completely forgot, Twilight and Rarity are with me too!” She turns to the woods behind here. “Come on out, guys! It’s just Sebastian and Rainbow Dash!”
There’s a sigh of relief from behind the bushes, and both Rarity and Twilight come out. Rarity is wearing an elegant white dress and cloak, while Twilight was wearing a robe of deep purple with pink stars decorating it. “Thank the Sisters, we were afraid we’d never find you guys!” Twilight sighed in relief.
I nod and open my mouth to speak before remembering the deal with Discord and clamping my mouth shut. “Is there something wrong, dear?” Rarity asks in a concerned tone.
“Oh yeah, Discord put a spell on him that prevents him from talking,” Rainbow explains. “He can only say five words, and he’s trying to conserve them.”
I nod and try to make a few complicated gestures to tell them to find Applejack and Fluttershy. Twilights just raises her eyebrow. “You want to search for a hiding thing on a tree?”
“No, I think what he’s trying to tell us is that we need to go find a rare fruit,” Rarity says thoughtfully.
Pinkie raises her hand and jumps up and down excitedly. “OOH! OOH! I KNOW! He wants us to start looking for Fluttershy and Applejack! Or he wants to play peek-a-boo with a tree! Either or!”
I nod excitedly and point at the girls, then to my mouth. “So you want us to call them?” Twilight guesses correctly.
I nod happily before turning to the woods. “Alright, we better get moving!” Rainbow Dash says before going back into the sword. “Alright, let’s move!”
We march forward as the girls call for our two missing members of the group. Eventually, after walking a mile or so, we reach a large flowing river. “Well, now what do we do?” asks Rarity.
“Well, I think it would be best to walk along the edge of the river for a little while,” says Twilight as she scans the river bed. “Odds are that we’ll find a town or something-“
A menacing croak comes from behind us, causing us all to jump up in alarm. I turn to find a massive red toad behind us, staring at us with its soulless yellow eyes. “M-m-maybe it’s friendly?” Rarity says hopefully.
The toad licks its lips, sending slobber all over us. “That’s not a good sign,” Pinkie says nervously.
I pull Rainbow Dash out of her sheath, and get into an attack position. “Alright you big fat frog, come at us!” Rainbow Dash yells mockingly.
The massive amphibian responds by shooting its giant sticky tongue at us. I manage to duck and roll away so that the tongue gets wrapped around a nearby tree. As the toad struggles to get free, I hack and slash at its warty body, hoping to break through its tough skin before it broke free. Unfortunately, it manages to un-stick its tongue and turn to me, pure hate in its eyes. With another deafening croak, it wraps its tongue around my body, covering me in slime. “AHHH!” I yell as I hack madly away at it to no avail.
Frantic, Twilight and Rarity both use their telekinesis to throw rocks at the beast, while Pinkie Pie jabs its eyes with a small dagger. Unfortunately, this neither harms nor distracts the toad while it tries to swallow Rainbow Dash and I. “C’mon, you stupid frog-thing, stop eating my friends!” Pinkie growls as she desperately stabs at it.
Just when all hope was lost, a sudden thought goes into my head. Reluctantly, I let go of the outside of the toad’s mouth and let it suck me in.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Rainbow Dash’s voice asks incredulously as I pass through the monster’s slimy throat. “You’re just going to let Frogger here slurp you up like a jelly worm?!”
I wait until I get to his stomach before pulling Rainbow Dash out of her sheath. Realizing what I was doing, my companion’s tone changed drastically. “Ohhhh, you clever bastard-“
“YIPPE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!!!” I bellow as I drive the sword through the slimy walls of the toad. Feeling the sword go through, I drive it up until there was a hole big enough to allow me to pass through the enormous amphibian. I slip Rainbow Dash back into her scabbard, take a deep breath, and plunge right through the exit.
I gasp as the sudden sunlight nearly blinds me. Looking back, I can barely see the toad roll to the ground in defeat before vanishing in a puff of smoke. I turn to see a flash of purple dash directly at me before pinning me to the ground. “ARE YOU INSANE?!?!” Twilight screeched, punching every inch of me she could reach.  “YOU COULD HAVE BEEN DIGESTED!! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE A GONNER BACK THERE!!!”
“Love you too,” I grin wryly as I try to push her off of me.
“And that’s five words!” I familiar voice cackles triumphantly. We all turn to see Discord seated on an impossibly high tree branch with his legs crossed casually. “I have to say, I really thought you’d use them wisely! So much for that, huh?”
Realizing what he was saying, I get up and try to yell at the old coot. Unfortunately, all that comes out is “YAAAAARGH!!!”
He leans back and laughs long and hard at my predicament. “Oh, I suppose you’re right, this ISN’T any fun,” he sighs, wiping a tear of laughter out of his eye. “I’ll tell you what: You’ll be able to talk as long as someone else is talking to you, but that’s it, alright? I’m already being VERY lenient with the rules of this game, so don’t make me bend them again!”
I feel a sudden release in my throat, almost as if a lock had been broken. Coughing slightly, I give him a wry smile. “Thanks,” I say hoarsely, rubbing my throat.
“Remember, use it wisely!” he says in the way a grandfather would warn his grandson. “You’ll never know when you’ll lose something important!” and with one last chortle, he disappears in a flash of white.
“What do you suppose he means by that?” Rarity asks as she walks next us. “’You’ll never know when you’ll lose something important’… Sounds rather ominous, if you ask me.”
“He’s probably messing with our heads again,” Twilight answers, brushing herself off before turning to me. “Now back to you, Sebastian: What the hell were you thinking back there?!”
“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?” Rainbow Dash says in my defense as her image leaps from the sword. “Thanks to him, we won’t have to take any more smack from that toad!”
The young woman sighs and straightens out her purple robes. “I suppose you’re right… Well, what do we do now?”
I try to offer a suggestion, but something catches my throat so only a few gagging noises come out. Luckily, I manage to catch Rarity’s eye. “Yes, darling?” she asks, concerned.
I let out a sigh of relief. “Ok, first off, thanks for that, Rarity,” I say gratefully.
She giggles. “My pleasure.”
“Anyways,” I continue, “I think what we should be doing is looking for Applejack and Fluttershy. I mean, they can probably hold out in this world, but I have a feeling that we’re going to need them if we’re going to get any further in this quest!”
“So it’s settled,” Twilight says with finality. “We look for Fluttershy and Applejack, and hopefully we can find out what to do to get out of here and move on… And speaking of finding people, where’s Pinkie Pie?”
“Diiiid someone say ‘Pinkie Pie’?” the pink-haired imp asks as she pops out of the bushes, riding an unusual steed: A thick-skinned toad about the size of a small dog, failing about in a desperate attempt to shake Pinkie off.
“What the hell are you riding, Pinkie?!” Rarity asks incredulously.
“Ya like him?” she asks, bobbing up and down as she tries to keep up with her warty mount. “I found him on the edge of the pond where we beat the big nasty toad! I think I’ll call him… Gummy III!”
“Why is he the third?” Twilight asks, confused. “You’ve only had ONE Gummy so far!”
“Well, I had just caught Gummy II, but it turns out that the alligators here are mean!” Pinkie pouted. “So this little guy’s Gummy III.”
Twilight shrugs. “If you can control him, you can keep him. Now come on, let’s look for the others.”
Everyone begins to go forward, but before I can join them, Twilight holds me back. “Hey, about that thing you said earlier…” she begins awkwardly.
“What thing?” I ask, miffed.
“You know, where I was on top of you, and you said that you loved me?” She goes on, blushing. “Were you just playing around?”
I begin to feel an uncomfortable heat rise up to my face. “Umm… I dunno… It was just the first thing I thought to say…”
We both stand around awkwardly before she speaks again. “We should go join the others…”
“Yeah,” I smile sheepishly, and we both move quickly to catch up with the rest of the group.
I hear Rainbow Dash’s voice snicker from her sheath. “Well, that was awkward…”

-----------------

After following the river for a couple of hours, we reach a small village on the hills. As the sun was just beginning to set, the town square was beginning to settle down for the night. “You think the girls might be there?” Twilight asks me.
“I dunno…” I say thoughtfully. “I guess it would make sense for them to be in a densely populated area…”
A harsh cry interrupts my thoughts. “BEWARE, VILLAGERS!!” A thin young man yelled as he marched down the streets. “THE BEAST IS HUNTING TONIGHT!!”
A series of whispers start going through the crowd and the people started to hurry to their houses. Rainbow Dash sighs in exasperation. “Well, that can’t be good…”
Rarity goes up to the young man and taps him on the shoulder. “Um, excuse me sir, would you kindly inform us what’s going on?”
The man looks at her incredulously. “Haven’t you heard of the Beast of Miseria?!”
The purple haired lady smiles sheepishly. “We’re rather new here,” she admits.
“Nevertheless, my dear lady, you MUST have heard of its heinous acts! Is it not known across the land that this savage wolf hunts when the moon is full and blood red?!”
“Umm, yes, we must have missed that message,” she chuckles nervously. “See, our town crier’s had a sore throat for the past few days, so we haven’t heard the news…”
“Well, lock yourself in tonight, and make sure to bolt your door, because this foul Beast preys on gentle ladies such as yourself!” The crier says warningly. “He comes to the village to tempt them into following him to his lair, and just as they drop their guard, HE STRIKES!”
“Well, thank you for telling us this.” Rarity smiles, “We’ll be sure to move out of town before he comes.”
“There will be no time!” The young man cries indignantly. “You must go to the village innkeeper to rest until the Beast passes! It is the only way to live through the night!”
Rarity turns to us in exasperation. “Well, it seems we’ll have to stay the night,” she sighs.
“Well, we might run in to Applejack and Fluttershy at the inn!” Pinkie suggests cheerfully before pulling out a large brown bag from her non-existent pockets. “It’s a good thing I kept this!”
“What exactly IS that?” Twilight asks curiously.
“Some weird crystal things that the big meanie toad dropped!” she replied happily, shaking the bag upside down to release several small green, red, and blue rupees. “I’m sure the innkeeper will let us rent a room for these!”
Rarity lifts up a small green rupee and examines it critically. “I can’t say I dislike the color, but the cut is rather boring, and luster is lacking in shine…”
“Who cares?!” Rainbow Dash says gleefully as her hologram picks up a large red rupee. “This HAS to be enough for a room, and I’m bushed!”
Twilight raises an eyebrow. “You haven’t walked at all today,” she points out.
Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes. “Details. Let’s just get a room so I can hit the hay!”
Sighing, Twilight uses her telekinesis to lift the rupees off the ground and into the sac. “Would you happen to know where the village inn is?” she asks kindly to the town crier.
He nods and points to a large building near the center of the town. “Just go over there and give the innkeeper’s wife a holler. She’ll give you a fair price for the room and a hot meal.”
We all thank him and got to the inn, where we see a large, grumpy woman at the front desk. “Excuse me, madam, would you happen to have a room for us tonight?” Rarity asks sweetly.
The woman takes one look at us and points to the door. “We don’t allow imps here,” she grunts in a gruff foreign accent. “They cause too much mischief, and quite frankly this little shack’s taken too many troubles over the years.”
“What?! That is outrageous!” Pinkie says indignantly. “What makes you think that I’d cause any trouble?! That is a racial stereotype of imps everywhere, and I REFUSE to take it anymore!”
The fat lady glances down to Pinkie Pie. “Yer little steed there just ruined the table cloth.”
We all look down to see that Gummy III had indeed wet the previously white cloth. Pinkie Pie smiles sheepishly at the woman. “Ehehe… I just got him…”
Rarity sighed in exasperation. “How much extra would we have to give you to let our little friend here stay?” she asks the innkeeper’s wife.
The fat lady raises her eyebrow. “How much you got?” she asks, leaning over the table.
The purple-haired seamstress pulls out three blue rupees. “Would this cover it?”
“Only fifteen?!” the woman snorts in derision. “Child, I wouldn’t lend ya a pot for that much! It’ll take ye at LEAST eight hundred to get in here without the imp!”
Rarity sighs and turns to me. “Could you please help me with this?” she asks sheepishly. “I’m rather unfamiliar with this currency.”
I nod and count out all the red, blue, and green rupees we had, revealing that we had at least two thousand rupees. “Make her haggle to nine hundred,” I whisper to Rarity.
Rarity nods and smile confidently to the innkeeper’s wife. “We’ll pay eight-fifty, and not a penny more!” she says haughtily.
“Eight-fifty?!” You’ve got to be bleedin’ mad!” the large woman roars indignantly. “Nine-fifty, and not a rupee less!”
“Eight-seventy-five!” Rarity retorts.
“Nine-twenty-five!”
“Nine-hundred!”
“Deal!” the innkeeper’s wife grins, and shakes Rarity’s hand firmly.
Other than a small wince of pain, Rarity comes back with a gleeful grin of triumph on her face, “I can’t believe I managed that!” she sighs in relief as we walk forward through the inn.
Other than being slightly dusty, our resting place was not a bad one. As we settled down into our separate rooms, I throw the Rainbow Sword onto the bed and sigh. Rainbow Dash then pops out, legs crossed in a relaxed position as her hologram sits next to me. “You ok?” she asks, concerned.
“Yeah… It’s been weird, you know?” I reply, staring at the celling. “I mean, it’s not every day that a guy gets to live out his dreams, right?”
She gives me a look. “Really? THIS is your dream?”
“Well, not THIS specifically,” I admit, “but just the whole IDEA of it, you know? I mean, I’m only just starting, and I’m already having a kick-ass time!”
“Well, don’t get too attached,” Rainbow Dash says warningly. “I mean what if this is Discord’s plan all along?”
I give her a look. “Since when were you EVER the voice of reason?”
She shrugs. “Hey, you try staying stuffed in a box with Twi for months without having her egghead-iness rub off on you!”
I smirk. “Egghead-iness? Really?”
“Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess!” Rainbow grins back. “I don’t see YOU describing it!”
I chuckle. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right… Though I’ve got to say, at times it can be charming!”
This causes her to fall on the bed laughing. “’Charming’?! What are you, Rarity?!” she chortled.
“Hey, normal people can say ‘charming’!” I say defensively. “It’s like saying ‘it’s not necessarily cute, but it kind of makes you chuckle’!”
“Oh, so you think Twilight’s cute, huh?” the rainbow-haired girl teases.
“I didn’t say that!” I sigh in exasperation.
“Ah, so you think she’s ugly, huh?” she says wryly.
“She’s not ugly! If anything, she’s the greatest girl I know!” I declare.
It wasn’t until I saw the smile on RD’s face that I realized what I’d just said. Well, that escalated quickly… “Don’t give me that look!” I say indignantly, heat rising to my face.
“Aw, is loverboy shy?” Rainbow Dash coos, pinching my cheek teasingly. “Aw, how sweet!”
I shrug her off. “Yeah, yeah, I’m a huge softy, can we please move on?” I grunt.
“Well, here’s a question: Why don’t you just tell her already?” she asks.
I run my hand through my hair nervously. “Deja vu,” I mutter wryly.
Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes and sighs. “Let me guess: You don’t wanna lose the freedom you’re used to, but at the same time, you wouldn’t mind being in a relationship. That sounds right?”
I look up, mildly surprised. “You know, you’re a lot more perceptive than you act.”
She smirks. “Yeah, well, I guess I kinda know where you’re coming from. After all, I had the same thing going on with Soarin…”
This time, I’m genuinely shocked. “Really?! But you guys re like, the Wonderbolt power couple!”
She chuckles a bit. “It’s probably because we’re a little more… Casual than other couples, if you wanna put it nicely.”
I’m about to say something in disbelief, but looking back on it, I see her point. “Yeah… I suppose so,” I admit.
“See, half the reason that couples break up is because someone’s insecure about what the other one’s doing behind his or her back. PEGASI, on the other hand, know the difference between someone cheating on you and someone having a fling with someone else.”
I raise my eyebrows. “There’s a difference?”
“Course there’s a difference! I mean, if they’re just having a fling with that person, they don’t love them the way they love their ACTUAL partner! Now, with cheating, they might have those feelings for someone else, you feel me?”
“… Not really,” I admit.
She sighs in frustration. “Alright, how about this: If we were to have sex right now, would we be in love?”
“Depends how good the sex is,” I grin.
She chuckles. “Ok, THAT was good,” she admits. “But seriously, love isn’t equal to sex. Love means being with that person when they need you, helping them when they’re down, supporting them through thick and thin! That’s what I and Soarin have, and to be honest, I don’t think I could have that with anyone else.”
*“So why weren’t you sure about dating him?” I ask.
She sighs. “Well, I guess I was just afraid that he’d be a drag, you know? Like he wouldn’t like it if I did this stuff. But you know what? Not only does he think the same way, but he’s also pretty secure in what he thinks.”
“Well, that’s all well and good for you two, but what about MY situation, huh?” I ask irritably. “Twilight’s probably not going to go for the whole ‘casual’ thing, and I don’t think I could change it even if I wanted to!”
“Well then, don’t date her!” Rainbow Dash says coolly.
I sit there for a second before turning back to Rainbow. “That’s it?” I ask unsurely.
“Yup,” she replies. “If YOU don’t want to sacrifice, and SHE won’t sacrifice, then it probably won’t work out.”
“But… I want it to work out,” I say quietly.
“What was that?” RD asked, grinning.
“I want it to work out,” I say a little more surely. “Yeah, it’s got to work out.”
“Well, there you go!” she smiles smugly. “You’ll figure out a way!”
I pause for a moment before turning back to her. “You should open up a psychology practice or something,” I say in awe.
She shrugs. “Nah. Too boring.”
“One last thing,” I add as I get up. “What do I say to Applejack when we find her?”
Her eyes suddenly widen in alarm. “Wait, don’t say it now!” She says in panic. “I mean, not till this whole thing’s over! Holy shit man, you nearly fucked us over! I mean imagine how distracted everyone would be for the rest of this whole trip!”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I admit. “God, this is so out of character for you!”
She smiles smugly. “Well, you could say that I’m getting a little help,” she says in Discord’s voice. Realizing what just happened, she covers her mouth in shock. “What just happened?!” she asks in her own alarmed voice.
Suddenly, a flash of white light bursts in the middle of the room, revealing a smug looking Discord. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist!” he chortled at the looks of our faces.
Instinctively, I grab the Rainbow sword, only to see it be turned into a candy cane n a flash of white. “Now now, don’t be so defensive.” Discord says reprovingly as he bites off the edge of the candy cane. “All I wanted was to offer my honest opinion.”
*“You think I’m going to take you possessing Rainbow Dash?!” I asked incredulously. “God, what if you’ve been controlling everything this whole time?!”
“Trust me, it was just this once!” He promised, an angel halo flashing above his head again. “Believe it or not, I’m not some heartless fiend who only takes pleasure in making others miserable.”
“I’m fine, by the way,” Rainbow Dash moans. We both turn to find the rainbow-haired hologram turning a sickly shade of green. “Feeling like I’m gonna hurl up a doozy…”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that,” Discord says sheepishly. “One of the symptoms of possession that I haven’t quite figured out… Just release and the worst will be over!”
She lets out an enormous belch, releasing a stream of rainbow liquid. “Yeah, I’m not gonna be able to taste anything for a week,” she moans, clutching her stomach.
Discord gives her one last look of mild interest before turning back to me. “Like I was saying, it was one time! No harm came of it anyways.”
I look at him, unsure whether as to believe him or not. “And what if you’re just doing this just to screw with me?” I demand.
In a white flash, his brown suit turns into a standard Boy Scout uniform. “I promise, it was genuine advice! Scout’s honor!”
Somewhat satisfied, I lower my candy-cane. “Alright… doesn’t mean I’m going to take your advice, though,” I scoff.
“Your funeral,” he sighs in mock regret. Anyways, other than helping your poor, pitiful problems, I came here to give you a little heads up!”
I raise my eyebrow. “And what would that be?” I ask inquisitively.
He clears his throat and begins his little announcement: “To find your compatriots, just stick around for the feast; but to leave this little world of yours, you must first face the beast. Slip the noose around his neck, shove a blade into his heart; but beware, for this monster has a trick or two in his cart! Since there’s no alternative, and slay the beast you must; take heed of my warning friend, and beware the aroma of lust!”
I look at him in confusion. “What the hell does that mean?!”
He smirks. “I said I’d give you a head’s up, not an instruction manual! Figure it out for yourself!” And with a cackle and a flash of light, and it’s just me and my very sick sword.
Rainbow Dash looks at me wearily. “What do you think he meant, feast?” she asks.
I shrug. “We’ll probably see them while we’re eating or something… You?”
She moans and lays her head down on the bed. “Dude, right now, I don’t think I could even stomach a cracker.”
As if the universe decided that tonight was Flip the Bird to Rainbow Dash Day, the innkeeper’s fat wife came bursting through the door. “Alight, you lot!” she bellowed. “Supper time!”
Rainbow nearly gags and her hologram goes back into the sword. I chuckle and sling her sheath around my back. Well, here goes nothing...
> Chapter the Seventh
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Seventh, or “In Which Sword-Play is Used”


As I make my way through the halls of the inn, I find myself getting closer and closer to a magnificent smell. God, I can smell chicken, turkey, ham, beef, and just about anything I can imagine! Too bad Rainbow can’t stomach any! I think wistfully. However, my sympathy for Rainbow Dash abruptly ends upon seeing the mountains upon mountains of food. All the smells I had sensed were suddenly made reality, driving only one thought into my skull: FOOOOOOOD!
I practically leap onto the table, grabbing any food within arm’s reach. I barely acknowledge the other guests joining me in the savage hunt for anything edible. I practically snarl at this one guy who was getting a little too close to the smoked salmon for my liking. He responded with a meek squeak and went off to eat the scraps off of another table.
After demolishing a few plates, I sit down into a seat, my stomach aching with satisfaction. I let out a small belch of appreciation and smile contentedly.
“Well, that was… Interesting,” Rarity smiles nervously as she approaches me.
I look at her, only half-interested. “How long were you watching?” I ask casually.
“Ten minutes, at least,” she admits, looking at me with a grotesque fascination. “I never would have thought that someone as civilized as you could turn into such an animal!”
“What, so you DIDN’T leap at the food?” I ask incredulously.
She turns a light pink, but maintains an air of dignity. “A lady does not shove food in her mouth like a savage animal,” she says primly, straightening out her robes. “She eats it in a careful and deliberate manner, no matter the situation.”
I roll my eyes and get up. “Well, in any case, this shouldn’t be a surprise to you,” I smirk. “After all, you’ve seen me in bed.”
This time, she turns a much deeper shade of red. “Well, I suppose so,” she giggles, brushing her hair back ever so slightly. “Of course, my room just happens to be free right now… Perhaps we can see if we can put that animal energy into good use?”
Before I can reply with a smooth, James Bond-esque reply, a little pink blur zooms past me and lands on my leg. “Oh my gosh, guys!” Pinkie gasps, jumping up and down excitedly. “Do you see what I see?”
“A pesky little dwarf jumping on my knee?” I ask sardonically.
“No, even better!” she giggles, leaping onto the table. “I found AJ!”
Hearing this, I quickly get up. “Where is she?!” I ask, alarmed.
Pinkie lets out a little laugh of enjoyment. “You’ll never guess where! C’mon, I’ll show you!” and with that, she zooms out in front of us.
Rarity and I look at each other before following the pink blur of energy. After nearly knocking over many servers and inn guests, we finally reach Pinkie, only to find that she had led us to a table full of filthy bearded men. “Pinkie, darling, are you SURE this is where Applejack is?” Rarity asks the little pink imp.
She looks around frantically for the cowgirl. “I swear, she was just here!” she whined childishly. “Where’d she go?”
I roll my eyes, but before I can go back to my table, I hear a familiar chant being issued by the patrons of the table: “Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!”
I smile and push my way through the fat, smelly men. This is gonna be goooood, I think to myself as I see the competitor. He’s a giant man with a flaming red beard and a squished face, as if it had been deformed by one too many fights. He was chugging the largest flagon (I think that’s what they’re called) of amber liquid I had ever seen, swallowing the stuff as if it was his life blood. His competitor, on the other hand, was completely obscured by the legions of other fat men, who were each chanting that same word over and over at a steady pace.
Rarity stands beside me, observing the men with the same look of grotesque fascination she had given me. “Honestly, you men are such pigs!” she says in awe as she watched the liquid drip from the challenger’s face.
I grin sheepishly. “Yeah, we DO tend to get a little… Gross.”
Suddenly, the chant picks up speed, and the other men begin to stomp to the increasing rhythm. Our challenger seemed to be getting overwhelmed, spilling more and more alcohol down his front. Finally, he gasps for air, smashing his fist down in defeat. The crowd erupts in cheers, lifting up the winner, who was surprisingly a freckle-faced girl with blonde hair. She was wearing an orange suit of armor, and on her chest plate was the crest of three apples. In fact, it looked an awful lot like-
“APPLEJACK?!” Rarity says incredulously.  “I can’t believe it!”
“Ha! I TOLD you that I saw Applejack here!” Pinkie gloated triumphantly. “But you called me crazy! Well, WHO’S CRAZY NOW, HUH?!”
I smile sheepishly. “Alright, I’m sorry, Pinks,” I admit, holding my hands up in surrender. “You were right and we were wrong.”
“Well, in any case, we should probably get to her before she ends up doing something she’ll regret,” Rarity observes as she sees Applejack sway drunkenly on top of the crowd.
I chuckle to myself before waving my arms to get AJ’s attention. “Hey, Applejack!” I yell loudly. “It’s me, Sebastian!”
Hearing my name, the blonde grins ear to ear and tumbles gracefully to the ground. “Where were you guysh?” she slurred cheerfully. “We were looking all over for yaa!”
“Is Fluttershy with you?” Pinkie asks.
Applejack nods. “Eeeeyup, Ah’ve been riding her all day! Ha!” she snorts in laughter. “Ah sound juuuusht like Big Mac!”
Rarity raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean ‘riding her’?”
AJ points to the door. “C’mon, Ah’ll shows ya!” she promises, and she begins to stagger off to the exit.
Rarity turns to Pinkie Pie urgently. “Go get Twilight and tell her that we found the other two. I’ve got a feeling that we’re going to need her help.”
Pinkie gives her a quick salute before zipping off to get Twilight. Good call Rarity, I think to myself. We’ll need all the help we can get…

A Few Minutes Later…

“I still can’t believe that she put a DRINKING CONTEST over finding us!” Twilight fumed as we followed the tipsy cowgirl.
“To be fair, I’m pretty sure you’d dive into a library if you had the chance.” I point out.
“Hey… Shut up!” Twilight said irritably.
After walking for a little bit, we come to a small stable behind the inn. ”Oh Fluttershhyyyyy!” Applejack calls jovially. “I found the otherrrrs!”
“Oh dear… Tell them to come in!” Fluttershy’s voice replies, somewhat worried.
The cowgirl opens the door with a flourish. “Alright! Ya gotta be veeery careful ‘bout what you say, though,” she warns us. “Fluttershy’s feelin’ a little hoarse!” She snickers at this comment for some weird reason. “Heheh… Hoarse…”
We stare at the blonde before entering the shed cautiously. “Fluttershy?” Rarity calls. “Are you alright, darling?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” she says meekly from the shadows.
“Well come out and see us then, darling!” the violet-haired seamstress says reprovingly.
There’s a little sigh, and a strange horse steps out reluctantly. It’s rather familiar, as it has a light pink mane, cream yellow fur, and large blue eyes.
“Fluttershy?!” Pinkie gasps. “You’re a horse!”
The little horse sighs again. “Yes, I know Pinkie…”
Pinkie gasps again, this time even louder. “Oh my gosh! You’re a TALKING HORSE!!!!”
She gives the little imp a weak smile. “I suppose it’s not too bad,” she said modestly, pawing the ground. “After all, this isn’t too different from what I’m used to…”
Rarity smiled and patted Fluttershy on the head. “Don’t worry, darling,” she said comfortingly. “We’ll be able to get out of here as soon as… Actually, how do we get out?” she asks, turning to me.
I take pause for a moment before realizing that Rarity was talking to me. “Hmm? Oh yeah, hold on… If I remember correctly, we’ve got to slay some beast tonight.”
“What?! Why would we have to do that?!” Fluttershy says in horror.
I shrug. “I dunno. Discord said it was the only way out of here, so why not?”
Twilight raises an eyebrow. “And you’ve decided to start trusting Discord?”
I pause for a moment, realizing my mistake. “Ok, MAYBE it’s not the best idea, but what other choice do we have?!” I ask impatiently. “Besides, you didn’t have any qualms about killing that giant toad earlier!”
Twilight sighs. “I suppose you’re right… Still, we have no idea what we’re hunting for here! It’s a complete wild goose chase!”
“Not entirely,” I say thoughtfully. “Discord DID say something about ‘the scent of lust’… Maybe the beast has something to do with desire?”
“I think I can help ya there, sonny,” an unfamiliar voice said quietly. We all turn to find an old man in plain brown clothes standing at the door. “Couldn’t help but hear ya. I think I know what beast you’re talking about, though…”
I quickly pull out my sword and point it towards him. “And what would your name be?”
The old man lifted up his hands in surrender. “The name’s Artemis. Me and me brothers Apollo and Zebedee are traveling merchants around these parts.”
Realizing that I was probably being paranoid, I sigh and re-sheath my sword. “Sorry about that. Guess I’m a little high strung…”
“Not a problem,” he says amiably. “Anyways, I think what you might be looking for is the Beast of Miseria. He tends to lurk around these parts this time of night.”
“Wait, wasn’t that the thing that the loud guy was yelling about earlier?” asks Pinkie.
“It wouldn’t surprise me; this village is that thing’s favorite hunting grounds,” Artemis said gravely. “Every full moon, that wretched wolf comes and lures its prey to the woods, only to have ‘em meet their deaths by his teeth.”
“But what does that have to do with lust?” inquires Rarity.
The old merchant chuckled. “See, that’s where it gets interesting. The way I figure it, the hound rolls in some sort of plant that attracts people to him. Makes them ‘em think they’ve fallen in love with the wolf. I think this is why no one’s ever tried to kill it before.”
“Well, that’ll make it simple then!” I say in relief. “All we have to do is make sure that we don’t smell the wolf and we’ll be home free!”
“Not so fast, sonny,” the merchant chuckled. “You’ve got to remember, this is still a wolf. It’s big, it’s bad, and it can probably knock you over with one breath if you aren’t careful!”
I smirk. “Trust me, we can handle ourselves.”
The old man shrugged. “Suit yourselves, I tried to warn ya. Still, if yer gonna slay the beast, you’ll need some equipment...” He pulls out a satchel from behind him and lays it on the ground. “Lucky for you, I sell pretty much everything. I’ve got some rope, some silver knives, and some wolf traps. That could help ya on yer quest.”
Twilight covered the items with her aura and smiled gratefully at Artemis. “How much do we owe you?”
He gives us a small smile. “Eh, I’ll give it to ya for free. Apollo and Zebedee’ll kill me, but I’ve got a feeling that you lot can put it to good use. Oh and one more thing,” he remembers, pulling a little crystal from his pocket. “Slip this into that sword of yours,” he says to me as he puts it into my hand. “It’ll do ya good, I swear.”
I grin. “Hey, thanks man! You’re alright, you know that?”
He chuckles. “Glad to hear it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go. Good luck, you lot. You’re going to need it.” And with that, he walked out of the stable and to the road up ahead.
“Well, he was a nice fellow,” Rarity said unsurely. “A little TOO nice, if you ask me…”
I look up from examining the crystal the merchant had given me. “What do you mean?”
“Isn’t it an odd coincidence that we meet up with a merchant who just HAPPENS to be listening in on us and just HAPPENS to have the things we need and just HAPPENS to be willing to give it to us for free?” she asks.
After thinking about it for a little while, I shake my head. “Nah, tons of these sorts of coincidences happen to the heroes of these types of things. It’s like a rule of the story.”
“So by that logic, that means that it’s a rule that we beat the beast, right?” Pinkie says hopefully.
I pause before smiling sheepishly. “Not necessarily… There ARE stories of knights who get eaten, so…”
“Hey guysh?” a weak voice comes from behind us. We all turn to see that Applejack had apparently passed out since the merchant came. “Ah’m feelin’ might shick…”
“How are we supposed to deal with Applejack being drunk AND fighting this wolf?” Twilight grumbles.
Suddenly, and idea pops into my head. “Why don’t you just use that detox spell on her?” I ask.
An evil smile grows on Twilight’s face. “Yeah, I suppose that could work,” she grinned, her words dripping with evil kindness.
“Uh, Twilight?” Fluttershy asks, unnerved. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” she said with a poisonous sweetness. “I’m always happy to help a FRIEND…”
Sensing her impending doom, Applejack looks to me in fear. “Don’t let her kill me, sugar cube,” she pleads softly before passing out.
I give Twilight a stern look. “Twilight, whatever you’re planning, you probably shouldn’t do it.”
She gives me an eerie smile. “Why do you says that?” She asks in that same scarily sweet voice. “I just want to help!”
“Twilight, so help me, I will tell the princesses if you do anything bad!” I say threateningly.
This apparently snaps her out of her homicidal mood. “Oh, alright,” she whines, getting her aura ready. “But I won’t like it!” Focusing a little, she shoots out her purple aura straight at Applejack’s head.
This is apparently an unpleasant experience, because the blonde wakes up with a start. “What the hell was that for?!” she asks indignantly.
“Congrats, you’re sober,” Twilight says sarcastically. “Now let’s go kill this damn dog and get it over with.”

One Lazily Executed Transition Later…

“G-g-guys?” Fluttershy says nervously as she trots beside us. “Are y-y-you SURE this is where the monster is?”
I looked around at our surroundings. “Hmm… Scary woods? Check. Full moon? Check. Scary wolf howl?” A low howl goes through the night air, almost as if on cue. “Check. Yup, we’re in the right place!”
Fluttershy sighs. “I was afraid of that…”
“You know, this reminds me of a song my Granny Pie taught me!” Pinkie chirped cheerfully from Fluttershy’s back. “You guys wanna hear it?”
“Uh… Ya’ll DO realize that we’re gonna be fightin’ a dangerous beastie here, don’t ya, Pinkie?” Applejack asks, obviously miffed.
Pinkie blinks owlishly at the cowgirl. “So?”
Applejack groans and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Never mind…”
“Uh, guys?” Twilight interrupts. “Do you smell that?”
I look around curiously, trying to find said smell. “I don’t smell anything…”
“I think I might be smelling it too,” Rarity says unsurely. “Is it a very musky smell?”
Twilight nods slowly. “Yeah… Very musky and sweet and… dreamy…” She giggles, almost as if she were drunk. “Haa… So good…”
One by one, Applejack, Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy all start falling under the power of the smell. “So good,” they all moan in creepy unison, and they start walking towards the source of this smell.
Even I catch the aroma, but it wasn’t at all like they had described it. Instead, it was an intoxicating mixture of lavender and cinnamon apple, somehow mixing together perfectly to make an irresistible combination. I laugh drunkenly and begin to shuffle towards the smell, but trip myself on a root and fall face first into a puddle of mud.
Rainbow Dash’s hologram pops out of the sword. “ARE YOU MENTAL?!” she says incredulously as I struggle to get back up. “You can’t just give up and start following random smells! We’re on a mission here!”
I wipe the mud off my face and scowl. “Alright, I’m sorry!” I grumble. “If it makes you feel any better, I have mud up my nose right now!”
“Well, at least you aren’t like those idiots!” she snorts in derision. “I mean, honestly! They just might walk into the beast- Hey wait a minute…”
I suddenly put two and two together. “You don’t think that could be the wolf, do you?!” I ask, alarmed.
“No fucking shit, Sherlock!” Rainbow Dash says, obviously panicking. “You’ve gotta stop them before he eats them or something!”
“But how am I supposed to do that?! Just shove mud up their noses?!”
“How about tying them up until you’ve killed the beast, shithead?!” she groans.
I pause before putting my hands to my face. “God, I’m such an idiot...” Pulling out the rope from the bag, I run up to the girls and tie them to the nearest tree. “Sorry guys, this is for your own good!” I say apologetically as I run towards Fluttershy.
Tying up the small horse was an infinitely more difficult challenge, as she keeps on bucking and whinnying as I try to tether her to a tree. “Noooo!” she cries, trying to break the rope. “Let me go!”
“C’mon Shy, work with me!” I grunt as I firmly not the rope. “Alright, all done!”
The yellow pony lets out a heartbreaking whinny before looking down sadly at the ground. “Damn, how strong is this stuff?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Pretty damn strong,” I admit, trying hard not to snort any of the mud out of my nose. “How come you can’t smell it?”
She sighs and waves her arm through her head. “Hologram. Duh.”
“… Shut up and help me find this wolf,” I grumble, drawing my sword. “Now he can’t be too far away, considering that the girls were going so crazy… He could be right on top of us, for all we know!”
“Very poor choice of words,” an unfamiliar voice croons.
Rainbow and I turn around to find a lone figure on top of a tree. He was slim and dark, illuminated by the full moon behind him. “Looking for me?” he grinned, showing two razor sharp canines.
I balk as his sudden appearance. “Y-you’re supposed to be a wolf,” I stutter.
He chuckles and leaps down to us, giving me a closer look. He was wearing blood red robes, leaving his muscular chest bare. “I can be whatever I want to be,” he smirks, getting uncomfortably close to me. “I just like wolf because it’s a little more… savage, if you catch my drift.”
I wince a little as he breathes his hot breaths on me. “Dude, you’re violating my personal space here-“
“I’ll violate whatever I want,” he grins. “Trust me, you won’t mind.”
“I don’t exactly swing that way, man,” I chuckle nervously. “I mean, I’m sure you’re a great guy and all, but-“
“Oh, shut up,” he snarls, and kisses me full on the mouth.
I quickly push him away. “Ok, THAT was uncalled for!” I say angrily. “You can’t just come up to a guy and- What the hell…”
Right before my eyes, the slender young man begins morphing and changing as if he were made of clay. “What’s a matter?” he croons, his voice warping along with him. “Are you getting confused? A little disoriented?” He gradually turns into a blonde, freckled girl wearing a Stetson. “Maybe I can help, sugar cube,” he says, perfectly mimicking Applejack’s voice.
I stare at the incredibly hot farm girl. “No, this isn’t real… This can’t be real!” I mumble quietly to myself.
“'Course it’s real, sugar cube!” Applejack croons, walking slowly towards me. “Yer just a bit stressed out by all that’s been happenin’…” she runs her hands through my hair and looks deep into my eyes. “Maybe Ah can help you relax…”
“Don’t fall for it, Sebastian!” Rainbow Dash’s hologram yells. “He’s trying to confuse you! Just stab the bastard already!”
My mind becomes fogged up by a wave of desire. “I… I can’t think right now,” I say, looking away and trying to shake off my intoxication. “It’s too much…”
“Aw, poor baby,” Twilight’s voice coos. I look up to see that Applejack’s image had been replaced with the violet-haired librarian, clad in a sinfully sexy secretary outfit. “It’s always too much for you, always too hard for you to decide.” She gives me a lecherous grin. “Maybe you won’t have to…”
This somehow snaps me out of my senses, causing me to push “Twilight” down to the ground. “Now I KNOW what’s going on!” I say triumphantly. “Twilight would NEVER say that!”
The false Twilight looks up at me and snarls. “You’ll pay for that,” she says grimly in the young man’s voice. She begins to shudder and grow, her hands becoming gigantic paws, and blood red fur covering her entire body. By the time she’s finished, she has become a massive red wolf. “Time to die,” it growls before pouncing.
I was quick enough to dodge the beast and jump up into a tree. “Oh God, we’re so boned,” I groan, looking around frantically for the monster.
“Wait, what happened to that crystal the old guy gave us?” Rainbow asked. “Try slipping that on!”
I fumble around a little before pulling out the crystal and jamming it into my sword. The sword glows a deep blue before transforming into a large crossbow. “Great, now what am I supposed to shoot?!” I groan.
“Try shooting it!” Rainbow Dash commands.
“Why?! There’s no ammo!”
“Just try it, ok?!”
I roll my eyes and pull the trigger. A bright orange arrow suddenly materializes and shoots forward, hitting a tree with deadly accuracy. “Light arrows… Ok, that’s pretty fucking cool,” I admit.
“YOU’RE MINE, HUMAN!!” the wolf roars below us. He quickly runs up the tree in a gravity defying feat and snaps at us with his jaws. Taking the opportunity for a clear shot, I aim the crossbow and let a red light arrow fly through his gut.
Surprisingly, all this does is piss him off. “YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT!” he bellowed, landing right on the branch we were on.
I frantically shoot him over and over, but the rainbow arrows only manage to push him off of the branch. C’mon, c’mon, why isn’t this working?!
A sudden memory runs through my head: To find your compatriots, just stick around for the feast; but to leave this little world of yours, you must first face the beast. Slip the noose around his neck, shove a blade into his heart; but beware, for this monster has a trick or two in his cart! Since there’s no alternative, and slay the beast you must; take heed of my warning, friend, and beware the aroma of lust!
Thank you, Discord, I grin. Pulling out my bag, I grab another thick rope and begin tie it to make a classic hangman’s noose. And thank you, Boyscout Manual!
“What the hell are you doing?!” Rainbow Dash asks incredulously.
“You know, you’ve been saying that A LOT, and it’s starting to piss me off,” I grunt as I focus on the noose.
“PLEASE don’t tell me that you’re going to try to hang the wolf!” she moans.
“Fine, I won’t tell you,” I smirk, finishing up on the noose and leaping down the tree. “YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!”
I manage to land on the wolf’s back, causing him to writhe and buck in order to get me off. “HOW DARE YOU?!” it snarls, trying its hardest to bite me with his fangs. “I’LL KILL YOU, YOU FILTHY HUMAN!”
“God, you sound like my mother!” I laugh as I wrap the noose around his neck. I pull harder and harder, trying to choke the beast.
Gradually, he begins to lose power, growing more and more tired. Finally, his eyes roll backwards in his head, and he collapses onto the forest floor.
I get off of him and take out the crystal from the crossbow, converting it back into a sword. “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee!” I say dramatically before thrusting the sword deep into the wolf’s chest.
There’s a flash of white and suddenly everything disappears. I look around to see that the world had been erased, only to be completely replaced by walls and floors of pure white. “Discord?” I call out in the blank-ness. “Are you here?”
“Define ‘here’,” a smug voice answers. Discord materializes in front of me, sitting in a comfortable looking couch decorated with green polka-dots. “I see you handled the wolf well.”
“I guess… It was a little weird though, I’ll tell you that,” I admit.
He smirks. “Well, you’re a little weird, so it fits.”
Something about that sentence made a little too much sense to me. “What did you mean by that?” I ask cautiously.
The chaos god cackles long and hard. “Oh, I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise for you.” He chortles. “Now, off you go!”
He snaps his fingers, causing a giant boot to materialize next to me. The boot rises up a few feet before going full force at me and kicking me out of the white room. “DIIIISSCOOOORD!” I bellow in pain as I am sent hurtling away…
> Chapter the Eighth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Eighth, or “In Which the Dead Rise”

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING TWO CHAPTERS CONTAIN SOME GORE AND VIOLENCE. IF THAT ISN’T YOUR CUP OF TEA, YOU MIGHT NOT REALLY LIKE THIS CHAPTER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
I wake up in a cramped position, the smell of hot musk and grime around me. I push my hair out of my eyes and blink and the sun’s harsh rays, which were poking through the small holes in the wall. Looking around, I find that I’m in some rusty metal container, and nearly everything around me was filthy and broken. “Guys?” I call out. “Are you here?”
Sure enough, the girls start emerging from the rusty scenery. “Ugh… Where the hell are we this time?” Rainbow Dash groans, getting up from what looks like a pile of garbage. She’s wearing a filthy white tank top with some torn up jean and combat boots.
“Somewhere awful, obviously,” Rarity says with a shudder. Her normally elegant hair is completely disheveled, and she’s considerably dressed down from her usual self. “Oh, this place is probably infested with bugs!”
“Ah think that’s probably the least of our problems,” says Applejack as she peers out the window. “We’re in the middle of a desert!”
I rush to the window closest to me to find that she’s indeed correct: There was nothing but sand and cacti for miles around, and the sky was completely devoid of clouds. “Well, this’ll be fun,” I groan as I move towards the girls. “Look around and see if we can find a phone or something. Maybe this a survivor situation or something.”
Twilight raises her eyebrow. “Do you really think Discord would make it that easy?”
I pause before sighing in defeat. “I guess you’re right on that one… Alright, just try to grab anything useful and we’ll see what we can do with it.”
“Is this useful?” Pinkie asks. I turn to find that she had a rusty shot gun tucked under her arm, and about three other guns in her hands. “They’re all over the place!”
Everyone gasps in shock, and Fluttershy even passes out. “Don’t touch those things!” Twilight screeches, wrapping her aura around the guns and snatching them out of Pinkie’s grasp. “You’ll end up killing someone with these things!”
Pinkie lets out a huff. “You know, I’m starting to think that you guys don’t trust me with anything!”
“Look, maybe we overreacted, but you’ve got to be more careful with those things, Pinkie!” I say reprovingly as I try to revive Fluttershy. “You nearly scared the living daylights out of us!”
“Was it because I was holding the guns at you guys, or is it because I was the one holding them?” Pinkie asks, obviously insulted.
I’m spared from answering that awkward question by Rainbow Dash. “Hey guys, someone’s coming!” she cried.
We all rush to the windows to see a lone figure shambling towards our quarters, the sun blocking out his features. The guy seems dead on his feet, just by the way he practically drags himself towards our shelter. “Oh my goodness, we’ve got to help the poor dear!” Rarity cries. Grabbing a small canteen, she fills it with water from a nearby tank and runs towards the door.
“Hold on there, little lady!” says Applejack, blocking the door. “Y’all can’t just run out there and give water to a random stranger! What if he’s a maniac or something?”
“Oh, no need to be so paranoid!” Rarity scoffs. “If anything goes wrong, I can simply teleport back here. Besides, we can’t just let him wither away out there.”
Applejack narrows her eyes. “Fine, but we should send somebody with you in case that feller tries to pull a fast one… Ah think Ah can handle one of those puppies right there.”
I look at the pile of guns on the floor. “You sure you know how to work those things?” I ask cautiously.
She walks over and picks up a small revolver. “How hard could it be? Ya point the thing, ya pull the trigger, the guy’s dead.”
“Well, hopefully it won’t come to that,” Twilight says nervously. “Just go out there and see if he’d friendly.”
The two nod and walk out the door slowly. The group watches them intently, everyone on the edge of their seats.
Suddenly, it all goes wrong. Rarity begins to scream her head off, and Applejack’s shooting at the guy like crazy. For some reason, he just won’t quit, and he keeps running after them as they race to the shelter. Pinkie opens the door for them as they rush in, Rarity sobbing deeply and Applejack looking like she had just seen death itself. “What the hell happened?!” I ask, getting more and more freaked out.
Rarity lets out some unintelligible sobs, covering her eyes with her hands. The stranger, having followed them, begins to bang on the door incessantly. Applejack stares at the door, obviously terrified. “Dear Sister’s, he’s here.”
The door burst open to reveal a terrible sight: A man, decaying and rotten, dragging its feet towards us. He’s wearing a filthy ripped shirt riddled with bullet holes, and his right arm looked like it was just barely attached.
Miraculously, nobody screams at the horrifying sight. Instead, we all clear the way, staring at the undead creature with disgust and fascination. “You’re one ugly motherfucker,” Rainbow Dash says softly.
The zombie turns towards her, apparently hearing what she said. With a low and deadly moan, he begins to shamble closer to her, effectively cornering the rainbow haired girl in between the water tank and the wall. This causes me to snap out of my stupor and grab a nearby baseball bat. With a desperate yell, I knock down the zombie and begin to bash in its head.
The zombie, taken by surprise, somehow manages to overpower me and rip the bat out of my hands. With an angry groan, he tries to force himself onto me, pushing me down to my back. I feel a sharp sting as one of his nails digs into my skin.
A loud gunshot rings through the room, the zombie slumps forward onto me. I look up to see that Fluttershy had killed the monster, and was now panting heavily as she held the gun. I push the zombie’s body off of me and try to wipe of some of the blood from my face. “Fluttershy… You just saved my life,” I said breathlessly.
This causes Fluttershy to collapse to her knees in exhaustion, dropping the gun by her side. “I didn’t know what to do,” she says, choking up a little. “He was going to kill you, and you couldn’t defend yourself, and-“
“Ya did the right thing, sugar-cube,” Applejack says comfortingly as she holds her close. “Just let it all out, alright?”
Fluttershy looks up, her grimy face stained with tears. She gives me a weak smile before looking at my arm. “Oh dear, you’ve been scratched!” she gasps.
I look down at my left arm to see a small gash close to my wrist, and a feeling of doom sinks into my stomach. “Oh God no, oh God no, oh God no,” I murmur madly as I realize the futility of it all. I run outside and vomit on the side of the trailer, the smell of death clinging closely to me. “Oh God WHY?!” I yell, smashing my hand against the trailer wall.
“You seems to be taking it well,” a voice says smugly. I turn to see Discord there, sitting in a beach chair and sipping on some chocolate milk. “Of course, this IS your fantasy…”
I run up to him and kick him out of his chair. “I’M GOING TO DIE, YOU BASTARD!” I bellow in anguish. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!”
Discord sighs and dusts himself off as he gets up. “Do you honestly think I’d let you out of it this easily?” he says in a droll voice. “Just think for a second: What would someone else do in this situation?”
I stare at him for a second before it dawns on me. “You don’t mean… THAT... Do you?!” I say in horror.
“Hey, either that or you get to walk around chomping on brains,” he shrugs. “I told you that you might be losing something soon, didn't I?” He slurps the last of his chocolate milk before shattering the glass and turning it into a vulture. “Either way, it’s not my call, is it?” he says with a slight smirk. With a snap of his fingers and a flash of white, he’s gone, leaving only the vulture to caw and fly away.
I stare at my hand, reluctant to what had to be done. Realizing it was the only way, I barge into the shelter and begin to look for the tools I needed. “Uh, what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash asked.
I ignore her as I pick up a gallon of gasoline and a small machete. Setting myself to the task, I stomp to the back of the trailer, where a rusty table is waiting conveniently.
I lay down my scratched hand onto the table, trying to will myself to go on with the grizzly task. Well… Here goes nothing… I raise the machete above my head, grit my teeth, and drive it down into the wrist.
The pain was absolutely excruciating, causing my vision to blur. I yell bloody murder to the sky, tears welling up in my eyes as I hold my arm. I look to the bloody stump I had made, and with my last drops of will power, I grab the gallon of gasoline and pour it over my wound, adding a torturous sting to the already unbearable pain. I fall to the ground, clutching my stump of an arm close to my chest and shuddering from the recoil. The last thing I see before passing out is the girls running out of the trailer.

------------

I wake up in a cot, barely able to keep my eyes open. I try to wipe the hair out of my eyes, only to feel the stump on my forehead. I look down to see that it had been bandaged and cared for, but the sight was still extremely unsettling. I blink at it, almost as if I were expecting it to be all a joke. The sick feeling in my stomach grows, causing me to look over the side of my bunk and vomit.
“Sebastian!” Twilight’s voice cries. I look up blearily to see that my faithful secretary had been sitting by my bedside. “Oh Sisters, are you alright?!”
I smile weakly at her. “Hey, Twi,” I say, sounding tired and old. “Where am I?”
“Back at the shelter,” she replies. I feel her wiping my mouth with her magic. “You passed out right after you… Did that to yourself,” she finished lamely, looking at my stump.
I groan again, this time successfully preventing myself from vomiting. “Good to know I survived that,” I say half-heartedly, trying to forget the image. “Did you bandage me?”
“No, Fluttershy did that. She said it was really smart of you to use the gas as a disinfectant…” She suddenly breaks down and begins to sob. “Sister’s, why would you do that?!” she asks hysterically. “Why would you chop off your hand?!”
I feel a pang of guilt in my gut. “I had to stop the zombie infection,” I explain softly. “I would have turned into one if I didn’t.”
She looks up at me with a sniff. “Is that what that thing was called?” she asks.
I nod. “They roam around, looking for things to eat. They normally go after humans, so when they bite them, the humans become zombies in a few hours.” I laugh weakly. “Luckily for me, I was only scratched, so I have a chance at living.”
The loud rumble of a car engine interrupts our conversation. “I didn’t know we had a car,” I say to Twilight.
The purple-haired girl’s pupils shrink to the size of pinpricks. “We don’t,” she says quietly.
A large man with a scar across his face suddenly bursts through the window with a crowbar and climbs in. Spotting me and Twilight, he stomps up to us and pushes her out of the way, pointing a large pistol at my head. “Are you bitten, boy?” he snarls, his steel grey eyes boring into mine. When I don’t answer fast enough, he cocks his gun and jabs it to my forehead. “ANSWER ME!”
Struggling to speak, I show him my stump. He relaxes and puts his gun into his holster. “Sorry about that, kid,” he says gruffly, running his hand through his messy black hair. “You can never be too careful these days, you know?”
“Who the hell do you think you are?!” Twilight yells incredulously. “You can’t just break into someone’s house and point a gun at the person in the bed!”
“Listen honey, I didn’t know anyone was here!” he protested. “I thought this was an abandoned trailer park and I was just seeing if there was anything worth scavenging! I didn’t know you and your little boyfriend were here!”
Color rises to Twilight’s cheeks. “He’s not my boyfriend!” she says loudly.
The man rolls his eyes and pulls out a large cigar from his pocket. “Well, in any case, I’m sorry,” he smirks as he lights it up. Catching me staring at him, he says, “Oh, where are my manners! You want one too, buddy?”
“What? No thanks, I don’t smoke,” I say nervously.
“You sure?” he asks, pulling out a small packet of cigars from his coat pocket. He digs into his pants and pulls out an enormous dagger, casually opening the packet with it. “I’ve got tons, and Lord knows a guy needs something to relax nowadays!”
“No, it’s just… Who are you?” I ask.
The man grins wolfishly and drives his dagger into the wall. “The name’s Clancy. What’s yours?”
I stare at the knife that had been driven into the wall. “Well, my name’s Sebastian, and this is Twilight,” I say slowly. “Now, another question: Was there really any need to do that to the wall?”
“Huh?” Clancy, apparently just realizing that he had stuck an eleven inch bowie-knife into the wall, grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about that… Tend to lose control now and then…”
“Uh-huh... Well, I’m sure you’ve got plenty to do!” I say, trying to give the guy a hint. “You know, the dead never stop dying, so maybe you should be on your way…”
“Actually, that’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” he says, leaning against the wall. “I’ve got this place that me and a couple of other guys have been hanging out until this all blows over. I’ll be happy to show you there if you’re ok with it.”
I raise my eyebrow in suspicion. “What’s the catch?”
“No catch, man!” Clancy grins. “I mean, you guys would have to pull your own weight and all, but other than that, we’re always happy to have a few extra hands on board!”
“Well, thanks for the offer, man,” I begin, hoping to let him down respectfully, “but I think we-“
“Actually, I think we need a moment to talk,” Twilight interrupts. “Could you excuse us?”
“Sure, sure,” he says awkwardly, pulling his knife out and slipping it back into its sheath. “I’ll just… Wait in the other room…”
“There’s some other girls there,” Twilight called after him as he lumbered off. “They’ll probably say hello!”
“What the hell was that?!” I ask incredulously as soon as the guy’s out of the room. “You’re letting that psycho wait here?! He’ll end up killing somebody!”
“Oh, he didn’t seem that bad,” Twilight says dismissively. “Besides, even without their powers, the girls are all armed and outnumber him five to one!”
“So? We outnumbered the zombie seven to one, and I still had to chop off my hand!” I point out. “Besides, none of this would have happened if Rarity had just teleported here like she said she would!”
“What, and leave Applejack out to fend against the zombie?!”
“Well, why didn’t she just teleport the both of them? She can do that, right?”
“Yeah but- Well, she was under intense stress!” Twilight said defensively. “Teleportation itself requires at least some form of concentration, and who could concentrate when you’ve just seen a living corpse?!”
I open my mouth to say something, but close it quickly after realizing that she had me there. “Well… That’s still no excuse to let that knife-happy maniac in here!” I retort.
Twilight lets out a deep breath. “Look, Sebastian… We’re going to need a leader if we’re going to make it through this trail and, well… You aren’t exactly in shape to lead us right now…”
“Oh, come on! You guys can totally hold down the fort! I mean, you’ve got motherfucking magic on your side! Why not use that?!”
Twilight bites the bottom of her lip. “Well… It turns out that magic doesn’t work on zombies,” she confesses. “You see, while you were out, another zombie attacked the trailer. We ran out of ammo shooting at him, and I tried to use a spells on him, but nothing worked! I tried shields, telekinesis, even offensive curses, but he just passed through them like they were nothing!” By this time, there are tears running down her face. “We only barely managed to smash his head in,” she sobbed, burying her head in my chest. “We had to wipe the brain off of the shovel…”
I stare at her in shock, unable to believe what I was seeing. Sure, Twilight could be a bit whiny and moody, but on the whole she was normally a strong and independent woman. I’ve never seen her break down into tears without a good reason, so this simply showed me just how serious this situation was. “Dear God, how long have I been out?” I say breathlessly.
She sniffs loudly and looks up at me, her eyes still welling up in tears. “Three days,” she says softly, wiping her eyes.
The news hits me harder than I thought it would have. “Three days… Wow. It’s almost surreal,” I say, half laughing in disbelief. “You guys must have been worried sick…”
She nods wordlessly and puts her head on my shoulder. “We were.  Rarity and Applejack especially, since… Well, they feel like it’s their fault that you got scratched…”
I stay silent for a moment and just decide to hold her close. We stay together for what seemed like hours until-
“Uh, is this a bad time?” a familiar voice asked. We look up to see Applejack, looking extremely awkward and unsure of what to do.
Twilight blushes deep red and leaps out of my arms. “No, it’s fine,” she says a little too quickly. “What do you need?”
“Well, Ah was just wondering what that Clancy guy was doin’ here,” the farmgirl explains, still looking unsure. “He hasn’t been causin’ any trouble or anythin’, but we ain’t sure if it’s a good idea to talk to him…”
“Oh, don’t worry about him,” I say. “Twilight and I were actually thinking of going with him to this place he’s talking about. He says it’ll be a lot safer than here, and that he already has a few more people living there.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” the blonde asks. “I mean, we hardly know the feller, and we don’t exactly know what he or his friends might do…”
“My reasoning is that if we get there and they try to pull something, we’ll surprise them. After all, we have magic on our side and they don’t, right?”
Thinking it over, Applejack finally nods. “Sounds like a plan. When do we leave?”
“Let’s bring in the other girls into this first, alright?” Twilight says. “After all, we should be doing this by the rules. After that, we can get Clancy to lead us to his place.”
I nod in agreement. “Alright Jackie, tell the girls to come down here and we’ll see if they agree. If so, we can head out by tomorrow.”
> Chapter the Ninth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Ninth, or “In Which We Meet Darkness”

After a quick discussion with the group, we all decide that the best thing to do would be to follow Clancy to his safe place. “Clancy? You can come in now, darling,” Rarity called when the meeting was resolved.
Clancy walks in, obviously feeling a bit awkward about being the odd one out. “Did you guys make a decision?” he asked.
Twilight nods. “We’ve decided that our best bet would be to see if this place of yours is worth it,” she says. “After all, survivors have to stick together, right?”
The large man grins. “That’s good to hear. Now, if you ladies and gent would follow me, you can ride in the Tombstone!” With that, he struts out of the room, leaving us with puzzled expressions on our faces.
“What do you reckon he meant when he said ‘riding the Tombstone’?” Applejack whispered in my ear.
“It’s probably his truck,” I reply. “Twi and I heard it right before he came in.” I attempt to get out of bed, struggling to balance myself with only one hand.
“Oh dear, let me help!” Fluttershy says kindly, supporting my bad arm as I get out of bed.
I give her a grateful smile when my feet touch the ground. “Alright, what we should do is packing up anything that could be useful. Guns, ammunition, weapons, canned food, whatever you think that we need to survive. If it turns out that we can’t fit it in, we’ll decide what not to bring.”
After gathering everything that we could, we walk out into the blinding desert sunlight light to find a beat up black truck with Clancy standing beside it. “This is the Tombstone, my own personal pride and joy!” he says proudly. “The old gal has some problems sometimes, but she’s never failed me yet! Now, I can fit about four other people in the car, so two of you will have to ride on the flatbed. As for all of your gear, I think we can fit nearly all of it! Any questions?”
“Just how far is this place of yours?” Rarity asked.
“Nothing more than sixty or seventy miles,” Clancy assures her. “If all goes well, we can get there in ten minutes.”
Fluttershy timidly raises her hand as well. “Are there going to be any of those… Things?”
Clancy chuckles. “If there are, we’ll be going too fast for them to catch up, so there’s nothing to worry about. Anything else?”
“Where’d you get that big scar on your face?” Pinkie blurts out.
Rarity rolls her eyes in annoyance. “Honestly, you can’t just ask people where they get their scars from, darling!” she admonishes. “It isn’t polite!”
The man grins and runs his thumb over the scar, which stretched from the corner of his mouth to his ear. “It’s alright, I don’t mind explaining,” he chuckled. “Well, what happened was that as I was escaping from some zombies in the city, I threw a grenade behind me and blew up a building. The windowed shattered, killing a bunch of those suckers and cut me up pretty badly. Not much to tell, obviously,” he admitted sheepishly, “but I digress. Just load up all your stuff into the back and let’s get moving!”
We all pile into the van and begin the drive, with Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and I in the main car with Clancy, while Applejack and Rainbow Dash sit in the back of the truck. Seeing as it was going to be something of an hour drive, I decide find out a little more about our destination. “So Clancy… What exactly is this place?” I ask curiously.
“Well, when we found it, it was an abandoned prison. All the inmates that were there were either zombies or dead,” Clancy explained. “After cleaning the place out, we decided it’d be the perfect place to hide till this whole thing blows over. I mean, you’ve got your concrete walls, your barbed wire fences, and more canned food than either of us can live through. Besides, there happened to be a sporting goods store a few miles away, so we’ve got ourselves a nice pile of shotguns in case anything happens!”
“So we’ll be completely safe from the zombies?” Fluttershy says hopefully.
Clancy’s face suddenly becomes awkward. “Well, we WOULD be… If it weren’t for the fact that they aren’t the only things that we’re fighting…”
“Are there more hostile species out there?” Twilight asks.
“Two more, to be exact. You’ve got your vampires, who only come at night, and your werewolves, that only show up once a month during the full moon. Now, these aren’t the vampires and werewolves from legend or anything, but they sure as hell act like them. Vampires are basically like zombies, but they’re about as smart as a human and die a little easier. Werewolves, on the other hand, just look like someone glued hair on a guy and pissed him off badly. They’re nearly impossible to kill, but only for as long as the moon’s out. After that, they’re as harmless as you and me… Which isn’t all that harmless if you ask me.”
Rarity looks at our driver in conclusion. “What do you mean?”
“Well, recently we’ve been having something of a crossroads going on,” Clancy sighs. “You’ve got decent, normal people who just want to survive, and then you’ve got those folks who just want to raise hell. We had to kick a guy out because he had gone completely crazy… Tried to kill his little daughter to ‘save’ her from all of this. Poor guy…”
We all stay quiet for a second before Clancy speaks again. “We do have some good news though! We found out easier ways to ward off vampires and werewolves, believe it or not!”
“Garlic?” Pinkie asks eagerly. “Ooh, I know tons of garlic recipes! Garlic bagels and garlic pretzels and garlic juice and-“
“I’m pretty sure it isn’t garlic, Pinkie,” I say before turning back to Clancy. “Is it?”
Just as Clancy’s about respond, a sudden bang rings throughout the air. “What was that?!” Fluttershy asks, obviously alarmed.
“Someone’s shooting at us!” Clancy growls, maneuvering the car away from the gun shots. “Tell your friends out there to duck and cover!”
I nod and open the window connecting to the flatbed. “Applejack, Rainbow!” I call. “Duck and cover! Someone’s shooting at us!”
“Are y’all kiddin’?” Applejack laughs. “Ah’ve got a clear shot at the suckers! Ah’ll take ‘em out from here!” She reaches into the pile of weapons and pulls out a large sniper rifle, aiming it at a large red cliff in front of us. “Fire in the hole!” she bellowed, sending a bullet ringing through the air. “Did Ah get ‘em, Dash?”
Rainbow, who was holding some binoculars, nodded happily. “Right in the leg, Applejack!”
Suddenly, more shots start singing through the air, one of them shooting off a side mirror. “What the hell?! I thought you got him?!” I cried.
“There’s a ton of more guys!” the rainbow-haired girl yells back. “At least sixteen or seventeen of them, all lined up along the cliffs!”
“That’s it! Duck and cover, NOW!” I order.
Not surprisingly, the two of them oblige, hiding behind the walls of the flatbed. I go back to my original seat to join the others. “Rainbow says that there are at least sixteen or seventeen goons shooting at us from those cliffs beside us!”
“Then hold on!” Clancy growls, practically slamming down onto the gas pedal. The car gives a sickening lurch, clocking nearly a hundred and twenty miles an hour.
“Is that the place?” Twilight asks urgently as a stone grey building comes into view.
Clancy grins. “There it is! Welcome to the Felix County Penitentiary!”
“That’s great and all, but could you please slow down now?” Fluttershy whimpers as she clutches her seat.
The black-haired zombie hunter’s face suddenly falls. “The brakes aren’t working!” He gasps, stomping on the pedal over and over. “I can’t do anything to stop the car!”
As the building comes closer and closer, an idea pops into my head. “Twi, use your telekinesis to stop the car,” I whisper urgently into the purple-haired woman’s ear.
She bites down on her lip nervously. “But what if he sees? He might think we’re freaks or something!”
“So being smashed to a pancake’s better?” I retort.
Twilight sighs and begins to focus. Just as the car’s about to slam into the building, it stops with a terrible lurch, its hood just inches from the walls. “Whew,” Clancy sighs in relief. “That was a close one. I guess the brakes need a tune up, huh?”
At this point, Fluttershy’s nails had dug three inches into the car seat. “I suppose so,” she whimpers, shivering in fear.
Rarity, who managed to hold her composure a little better than Fluttershy, staggers out of the truck, clutching her stomach. “I think I might be sick,” she moaned.
Even Rainbow Dash and Applejack stumble out of the truck bed, looking as if they had been dragged through hell and back. “Never again,” Rainbow moaned as she fell to the floor.
“Hey, that was kinda fun!” Pinkie grins as she flounces out of the car. “Let’s do it again!”
“Sorry about that kiddo,” says Clancy, who was checking his car’s engine. “Looks like the Tombstone won’t be going anywhere for a while.”
The group gives a tired cheer as Clancy walks up to the prison door and pulls out a card key. “Well, ladies first!” he grins as he opens the door.
The girls practically stampede into the prison, as if they had to get away from the car as soon as possible. Clancy turns to me and smirks. “Women, right?”
I chuckle as the both of us walk in behind the girls. “Oh, they aren’t normally that bad. To be fair, though, you WERE clocking at least one hundred miles an hour, man.”
Clancy’s smile fades quickly and is replaced with a scowl. “You don’t know those men up there. They’re the McCrady’s, and those bastards have been giving us trouble ever since they got some millionaire sponsor or some shit like that. The idiot provided those inbred hicks with more guns and ammo than humanly countable. It doesn’t help that they’re all werewolves, so they’re at least nine times more dangerous at the moon and ten times as dumb.”
“Well, at least THEY’RE out there and YOU’RE in here, right?” I point out. “You’ve got the upper hand!”
“Yeah, but it makes going to the stores to loot a complete bitch,” he sighs. “Anyways, let me lead you to a couple of the folks living here. I’m almost certain that we’ve got something for that arm of yours.
Curious, I follow him to what looked like the mess hall of the prison, where about ten people were sitting down and having breakfast. “Alrighty, gang, listen up!” Clancy calls. “We’ve got seven new crewmates with us, so we’ve got to be extra accommodating, alright? Sebastian, this is the Doc,” he explained, pointing a tired looking woman with greying brown hair. “She might be able to help with your little… Problem.”
The Doc gets up and shake my good hand. “I see you’ve met up with the zombies,” she observes, glancing at my severed hand. “I hope you disinfected the wound after you cut it off, or there might be some complications.”
I grin. “It burned like a bitch, but some gasoline did the trick.”
She looks at me, obviously impressed. “It’s good to know that someone here has brains,” she smiles wryly. “Maybe our dear leader can take a few lessons from you.”
“Hahaha, very funny,” Clancy says wryly. “Do you think you can manage a replacement?”
The Doc takes my arm into her hand and examines it. “Hmmm… I might be able to fit you with a prosthetic, but it won’t do much good in a pinch… How about something a little more creative?”
I shrug. “Hey, whatever’s the most useful in your eyes, I’m up for.”
“In that case, follow me,” she smiles, and leads me to an exit of the mess hall. We walk to a small fat man who was petting a large Doberman behind the ears. “Hello, Gus,” the Doc says warmly to the fat man. “I’ve got a challenge for you, if you’re interested.”
Gus looks up from his enormous dog and grins. “What’s the problem, Doc?” He looks to me, then to my arm, and his eyes widen in realization. “Ah… So another arm, then?”
“Not exactly,” the Doc smiles. “See, Sebastian here was looking for something more… Practical.”
Gus grins ear to ear. “Oh, I’ve got something practical, alright!” he chuckles, and scampers into a small hut behind him. He waddles back out carrying a small chainsaw with some weird arm attachment connected to the bottom of it. “I call it the Ripper!” he proclaims as he hands it to me. “I came up with the idea after watching one of those Bruce Campbell movies in the Rec Room! Only problem is that I could never get it to fit to someone’s arm without ripping their hand off, but I have a feeling you won’t have much of a problem with that, will you?”
I roll my eyes as I fit in the surprisingly light weapon onto my bad arm. “Yeah, yeah, make hand jokes all you want. How do you turn this thing on?”
He smiles and pushes a small button on the side of it, and the machine awakens with a surprisingly gentle purr. “She handles like a dream, doesn’t she?” he says proudly as he runs his finger on the engine. “Took me months to get the engine to be that quiet and gentle, but trust me, she slices and dices through zombies like they were butter!”
I grin as I observe the quietly humming machine. “Groovy,” I chuckle to myself as I turn it off.
“Thanks for your help, Gus,” the Doc smiles. “As always, you’ve been great.”
“Hey, it’s my job!” he says modestly, fiddling around with his Doberman’s ears. “You make sure to keep an eye on that thing, though,” he adds, looking at me. “I’m afraid it’ll end up slicing though the wrong people, you know?”
I nod and grin, taking the weapon off of my arm. “Will do. See you around, then!”
The Doc and I both walk back to the mess hall, where about a few hundred people were apparently waiting for something. “What’s going on?” I ask the Doc.
The older woman smiles. “It’s the Morning Briefing. Clancy takes time to make sure to let us know what’s going on for the day.”
“Is that really necessary? I mean, wouldn’t you guys rather do your own thing?”
The Doc sighs. “These days, it’s nice to know that you have someone to lead you. It makes you feel like you’re a part of something.”
Not quite understanding her, I simply shrug and walk off to find the girls. “Hey, are you guys feeling better?” I ask, finally locating them near the front.
Fluttershy nods a little unsurely. “I think so… I mean, it isn’t so bad here, after all…”
Twilight nods in agreement. “They certainly have a lot of resources! They have a greenhouse, a shooting range, a storage facility, a library, anything that someone might need in this situation!”
“Though it is a little drab here…” Rarity adds thoughtfully. Noticing our incredulous expression, she quickly becomes defensive. “What?! Just because we’re in a bleak situation doesn’t mean that we can’t afford to brighten the place up a bit!”
Before Rainbow Dash can say a witty retort, Clancy comes onto the stage and clears his throat. “Good morning, guys,” he says loudly. “We’ve got two main orders of business today! First, we have some newcomers to our little colony. I’d like you to say hello to Sebastian, Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity. C’mon, don’t be shy! Stand up!”
We look at each other before awkwardly standing up and waving to everyone, getting a lukewarm applause as a response. “We’re sure that you guys will help us with our survival,” Clancy continues, “which brings me to my second order of business: Today, we were attacked by the McCrady clan as we crossed the desert. Now, this isn’t the first time those little furries have pissed us off, but it looks like they’re getting bolder and bolder every time. Now, my suggestion is that we-“
Suddenly, a siren begins to wail, interrupting Clancy’s speech. “That doesn’t sound good,” Applejack says warily, and we all run to the front entrance to see what was going on.
Outside of the fence is a massive sixteen wheeler truck, rusting with age. A scraggly looking fat man with a sawed-off shotgun is leaning on the fence, his filthy blonde hair hanging in oily clumps. “So that security system of yours DOES work, eh Clancy?” he grins, showing sharp canines.
Clancy comes to the front of the group, pistol in hand. “What the hell do you want?” he snarls.
The blonde raises his hands up in defeat. “Hey, no harm intended, no need tah get all defensive,” he drawls. “I was just wonderin’ if you all would like a new leader.”
“New leader? What the hell are you talking about?” Clancy growls.
A man walks out of the sixteen wheeler, looking like a mirage in the desert. Whereas we were all dirty to at least some degree, this man was impeccably clean, sporting a pure white suit with a red silk tie and red tinted sunglasses. He would have been an Adonis, had it not been for his almost comical pot belly. “Morning, Mister… Clancy, was it?” The man asked in a thick European accent. “My name is Dr. Andrew Cula. I was wondering if you and your colony were willing to merge with mine in order to strengthen our chances of survival. I’ve already led my people to relative success, and I think I can do the same for yours.”
“Listen here buddy, you aren’t leading but two things: Jack and Shit, and Jack left town,” Clancy retorts. “Anyone running around with those goons can’t be good.”
“What, them?” the doctor asks dismissively. “Oh, they aren’t nothing but my well trained doggies, aren’t you boys?”
The blonde man, who was previously grinning ear to ear, is now looking completely humiliated. “Yes sir,” he mutters, bowing his head.
This apparently astounds Clancy. “I’ve seen the McCrady’s blow a man up for looking at them funny! How’d you do that?!”
Dr. Andrew smirks. “Just some well-placed words is all,” he says a little too smugly. “Now, do we have your trust?”
I could tell that this had infuriated Clancy. “Are you kidding me? If those hicks really are your little lapdogs, then you’ve ordered them to shoot at us for ages! Get the hell out of here, or we might just blow your lily white ass to kingdom come!”
The man simply smiles, a gesture that somehow makes me sick to my stomach. “Oh, you’ll come around soon,” he assures us. “They all do…” With a snap, he and the filthy blonde walk into the sixteen wheeler, and they drive off.
“They’ll be back,” Clancy growls under his breath as the giant truck drives out of sight. “I can feel it already.”

-------------

I stand next to the fence, watching the sun set behind the desert horizon. You know, I don’t think I’m going to make it through these trials alive, I sigh to myself, watching a tumbleweed roll into the distance.
I hear a small cough behind me, causing me to turn around. “Oh, hi Jackie,” I say halfheartedly to the blonde. “What’s up?”
“Nothin’ much,” she sighs, leaning against the fence. “Just tryin’ to figure this all out.”
I chuckle wryly. “Trust me, you aren’t alone. I’m still trying to catch up with everything that’s been happening to us… I mean, first space, then a quest, and now this?”
“That isn’t what Ah was talkin’ about,” she said tersely, glaring at me with those gleaming emerald eyes of hers. “What the hell is goin’ on between you and Twilight?”
I feel myself tighten up. Ok Sebastian, chill out. She’s just asking a question. No need to panic. Just answer her in a calm, deliberate, and calm manner.
I swallow and look her dead in the eye. “I think I have romantic feelings for Twilight,” I blurt out.
Smooth.
I wince in preparation for the oncoming storm, but surprisingly, Applejack lets out a tired laugh. “Ah thought so,” she sighed, moving a wisp of blonde hair from her forehead. “Ah guess Ah just didn’t really wanna believe it…”
Say something to her, you idiot! Goddammit, you can’t just expect for her to be cool with this! “Uh… I’m really sorry?” I say unsurely.
The blonde gives me a shaky laugh. “Don’t apologize if ya don’t mean it,” she smiled sadly before walking back into the prison.
I hear someone slowly clapping behind me as I watch her walk away. “Nice,” Discord laughs smugly. “You get right to the point, don’t you Sebastian?”
I can only feel a sort of halfhearted annoyance for the demigod. “What do you want?” I groan.
“First off, I wanted to congratulate you for ‘Heel of the Year’ position,” he chuckles, handing me what appears to be a stiletto of solid gold. *“Secondly, I’d like to give a warning, duck.”
“Duck?” I ask curiously.
“Goose!” he cackles manically before teleporting away. I turn to see the same sixteen-wheeler from earlier heading straight for me.
“OH SHIT!” I cry out before ducking just in time. The sixteen wheeler blasts through the fence like it were made of cardboard, sending white hot sparks everywhere.
The same man from before, Dr. Cula, comes out from the driver’s seat and stands on top of the truck. “My dear brothers and sisters, the time had come!” he bellowed in his thick accent. “We shall finally have the feast to end all feasts! Prepare yourselves!” he cackled, taking off his eye-glasses to reveal glowing yellow eyes. “For tonight, the dead shall dine!”
A horrible collection of screeches and moans comes from the back of the truck, and a giant shambling mass stumbles out of the back. “Zombies,” I gasp to myself, watching in horror as the rotting corpses drag themselves into the yard. I struggle to get up onto my feet and sprint towards the facility. “GUYS!” I cry out desperately. “WE’VE GOT COMPANY!!!”
An unfamiliar face comes into view through the glass door. Seeing what was behind me, he quickly opened the door and let me in, shutting it just in time to prevent a zombie from sticking her filthy arm into the building. “You run and tell Clancy we’ve got ourselves a level nine emergency,” he says hurriedly. “I’ll try to keep these fuckers out here!” As he says this, he reaches out for a fire alarm and pulls it down with all his might, activating a deafening blare to go throughout the building. “What the hell are you doing here staring at me?! RUN!” he bellows.
I snap out of my stupor and rush throughout the aisles, looking desperately for our leader. A crash of glass ahead informs me of a new threat in the form of a decaying zombie woman, hissing and screeching at me. I manage to slide right past her, but amazingly, she begins to scramble after me at running speed. “CLANCY!!!” I cry out, praying that I’ll reach him before the monster reaches me.
The hag makes one last attempt at catching me, grabbing onto my leg. “GODDMAN IT CLANCY, HELP!!” I cry out desperately, trying to prevent the evil creature from biting me.
A gunshot rings through the air, getting both my and the zombies attention at the person holding the gun. “Yo, she-bitch!” Applejack snarls, cocking her sawed-off shot-gun. “Let’s go!”
> Chapter the Tenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Tenth, or “In Which We Fight an Army of Darkness”

The hag and I stand stock still, both surprised at the turn of events. The hag soon snaps out of it and gives an evil hiss before lunging towards Applejack.
Applejack responds quickly by shooting off her arms and legs, sending a spray of blood everywhere. She hisses in frustration as she attempts to get up, but her attempts to attack the blonde are futile. Seeing this, Applejack grins and points the shotgun to her head. “Hasta la Vista, bitch,” she says softly before blowing the zombie’s head off.
I stare at these events all wide-eyed. “I am simultaneously terrified and aroused and I am completely ok with this.”
Applejack chuckles and gives me a hand. “Well aren’t you sweet?” She coos, kissing me on the cheek. “That makes it a lot harder to do what I’m about to do next.”
I look at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”
The blonde responds by bitch-slapping me across the room. “That’s fer picking Twilight over me,” she smirks.
I groan and pick myself off the ground. “What happened to ‘no strings attached’?” I ask incredulously while rubbing my cheek.
“Ah lied,” she shrugs before cocking her gun. “Now c’mon, we’ve got us some nasties to kill! Oh, and you might need this,” she adds, tossing me a small bag she had on her back.
I catch the bag with my good arm and open it to find my chainsaw attachment and a large revolver in a holster. Grinning, I attach the chainsaw to my bad arm and slip the holster around my waist. “Let’s go, baby!” I crow, and we begin to run through the rapidly filling hallway.
After searching for Clancy for about ten minutes, we find him singlehandedly taking on five zombies. “Oh, hello there,” he says wryly, stabbing his bowie knife through one zombie’s head. “A little help here?”
Applejack and I grin as I switch on my chainsaw. I ram the deadly garden tool into one zombie’s head, splitting the monster right down the middle. Seeing another one run up to me, I spin around and slice its head off, kicking it into the hallway after it fell off the zombie’s shoulders. Applejack, in the meantime, had blasted the other two’s heads off, and was speckled with bits of blood. “We get ‘em all?” she asks.
“I think so,” Clancy says cautiously, picking up his own gun from the floor. “Lucky for me that you guys managed to get here on time! I ran clean out of ammo when I was ambushed by these freaks!”
Applejack hands him a round of ammunition. “Ah reckon you weren’t exactly helpless, were ya?” She says, eyeing the pile of dead bodies around him.
He grins modestly. “Well, maybe not,” he admits, loading some bullets into his shotgun. *“But it sure cost me a lot of bullets. How the hell did these fuckers get in here anyways?”
“Remember that doctor guy, Cula or something? He rammed his sixteen-wheeler into the fence and let all the zombies in,” I explain. “It was some creepy shit too, almost like he was telling them to attack us!”
“Bullshit, no one can control zombies,” Clancy snorted in derision as he pulled his knife out of a zombie’s head. “They’re just mindless animals, so it don’t matter if anyone offers ‘em anything! They’ll do what they want, where they want, and whoever they’re unlucky enough to want. The only thing that could POSSIBLY control a zombie is a-“ He suddenly stops dead in his tracks, his face shocked. “OF COURSE!” He bellowed, slamming his fist against a concrete wall. “That Doctor is a vampire! Goddamn it, I should have seen it sooner! I mean for fuck’s sake, his name says it all!”
“Andrew Cula?” Applejack asks quizzically.
“Dr. A. Cula,” I say slowly to myself. “D-R-A-C-U-L- GODDAMN IT!! That’s the oldest trick in the fucking book! HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT?!”
“Wait, Ah thought you said that vampires only come out at night? How the hell did he come to us in broad daylight?” Applejack continued.
“The fucker must be a real powerful blood-sucker!” Clancy growls. “Only the most powerful vamps can withstand sunlight without burning like toast in a crematory!”
“And what about those hicks traveling with him, the McClads or whatever?” I ask. “Do we have to worry about them too?”
“Nah, the moon’s not full yet,” Clancy explains, running his hand through his dark hair. “The McCradys only transform then, otherwise they’re just dumb hicks with a shit-ton of guns. Not that that’ll make ‘em less dangerous…”
“Well, why the hell are we waitin’ here then?” Applejack exclaims. “Let’s go warn the others before someone gets chomped on!”
We nod and run out into the hall, where bullets sing through the air and blood falls to the floor like rain. I narrowly dodge a large zombie as it attempts to tackle me to the ground. With a huff of disgust, I slice through it with my chainsaw, leaving its head snarling on the floor. “Head’s up!” I yell before kicking it against the wall, smashing it to bits.
Clancy chuckles at my one-liner, shooting a nearby zombie in the process. “Good God, that was horrible,” he grins.
I cock my eyebrow as I blast a smaller corpse right through the face. “Alright, you try to come up with something better!” I challenge.
Clancy smirks and shoves his knife up an old granny zombie’s nostril. “Got your nose!” he bellows before pulling the stabbing it in deeper, sending her brains splattering across the room.
“Are you fellers actually havin’ fun?!” Applejack yells incredulously as she blasts through a group of zombies.
“Hey, you’ve gotta do something to lighten the mood!” Clancy says defensively as he stabs a younger zombie through the eye. “C’mon, you try it, blondie!”
The cowgirl rolls her eyes and sighs. “Fine, Ah’ll give it a go…” Reluctantly, she shoves the end of her shotgun into the mouth of an unlucky zombie. “Eat this!” she growls before pulling the trigger, blowing her head clean off.
Clancy grins at Applejack, narrowly dodging a swipe of another female zombie’s nails. “See, that wasn’t so hard!” he laughed. “Now, watch how the master does it!” He rips his knife from the other corpse’s eye, rams it through the female zombie’s forehead, and quickly pulls it back out before she could react. “See, this broad’s got the point!” he crowed.
“Eh… Four out of ten,” I say cautiously before slicing through the last zombie’s head. “Though I’ve got to say, this guy really lost his head in the end!”
Clancy slaps me on the back. “Alright, THAT was pretty awesome,” he admits. “Now c’mon, let’s find the rest of your friends!”
Before we could, however, a bone-chilling groan comes from the back of the hall, prompting Applejack and I to look behind us. There stood the largest ghoul I’d ever seen, about seven feet of rotten flesh and gore. “MRAAAAAAAWR!!” he bellows before charging at us.
Clancy, without even looking back, props his sawed-off shotgun on his shoulder and fires, taking the beast out with one shot. After the monster fell down, he shudders a bit before looking at us. “Well, they aren’t gonna find themselves!” he says cheerfully, as if nothing ever happened. “Let’s go!”
I glance at Applejack, who simply shrugs and runs off behind him. I sigh and try to catch up to the pair. Let’s see just how boned we are right now…

---------

As we make it into the mess hall, we find that the chaos had escalated even further. It seems that the McCrady’s had been thrown into the mix, shooting at anything that moved, including their own kind. The leader, the redneck that we had seen earlier, locks eyes with Clancy and snarls. “YOU FUCKER!” he howls, beating his chest savagely. “I’MMA RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!”
Clancy gives him an insane grin. “COME GET SOME!” he bellows back before pouncing towards the fat bastard, leaving me and Applejack to figure out what to do in this warzone.
“Hey, Ah think Ah saw Rainbow flyin’ up in the rafters!” Applejack yells over all the noise. “You try to find the other girls and make sure that nothing bad happens!”
I nod and run towards the kitchen area of the cafeteria. Surprisingly, the place is eerily quiet, seemingly devoid of people. I’m about to turn back to the battle when I hear a small whimper, causing me to go in a little deeper to investigate. As I hide behind a large dish-rack, I see a terrible sight: Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight cornered by five large men, doubtlessly McCradys. “So who do ya reckons gets the pretty one?” one of the shorter ones asks.
The leader chuckles. “Hell, all of ‘em are pretty, I just wanna get this thing goin’ already. You pick whichever one you want, Clem.”
“Hmm… I figure I’ll take the pale one with purple hair,” Clem grins, looking lustily at Rarity. “I’ve always liked them big city types.”
“Shoot, Clem, I wanted that one!” An even larger McCrady complains.
“You can have the shy one with the pink hair,” the leader chuckles, propping up Fluttershy’s chin with his filthy finger. “She’s plenty cute, ain’t she?”
Fluttershy squeaks and pulls away, huddling herself in a ball. “Please don’t,” she whimpers, tears streaming down her face. “Please, I can’t, I just can’t…”
“See! I can’t fuck that!” The big one whines. “It’ll break my heart if I see her cry the whole time!”
“I don’t mind the cryin’ none,” a slim McCrady snickers, drawing Fluttershy roughly up to his eye level. “Truth be told, I kind of like it…”
“You filthy cretins!” Rarity snarls, disgust dripping down every word. “You think you can split us up like cattle when it’s obvious that you don’t even split a gene pool! It’s dreadfully apparent that you men are nothing but worthless slimes if you don’t have the decency to leave us alone!”
The leader looks at Rarity before turning to Clem. “I hope you don’t mind, but I think I’d like to take this one here,” he grins. “The little bitch has spunk!”
Clem chuckles. “I’m fine with the dark-skinned one too. She ain’t said a word, so maybe she’ll be easier to handle.”
“Don’t be so sure,” Twilight says softly before teleporting behind the rednecks. Quick as a wink, she telekinetically shoots a variety of kitchen knives at their captor’s legs, hitting Clem’s and the large hick’s calves and sending them to the ground. “Rarity, now!” she cries.
Rarity kicks the leader in the knee and wraps the other two in her telekinetic aura, flinging them across the kitchen. “Are you alright, Darling?” she asks Fluttershy softly as she helps her up.
Fluttershy nods. “I… I think so…”
Before anyone could react, the leader pops back up from the ground and grabs Rarity by the hair. “You pull any of that voodoo shit and I’ll blow her head clean off, you hear me!” he hisses, jabbing a gun to the lady’s head. “C’mon, I fucking DARE YOU!”
Rarity winces in pain but tries to keep Fluttershy calm. “Now, don’t you worry Darling,” she smiles, her own voice breaking. “Everything is going to turn out fine, don’t you worry.
It soon becomes apparent that Fluttershy is trembling not from fear, but from rage. “How… Dare you?” she says softly, clenching her fists. “HOW DARE YOU?!” Before the hick can react, Fluttershy slams him to the ground and forces him to release Rarity’s violet locks. “YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST BULLY ME AND MY FRIENDS FOR SEX?! I’LL RIP YOUR FUCKING COCK OFF, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!” She screeches as she beats the man over and over.
The hick, completely shocked by the turn of events, can only stare into Fluttershy’s ice-cold eyes as she mercilessly pounds his face in. “What in the hell?” He croaks pathetically.
Hearing this, Fluttershy gets up and puts her foot to his neck. “THAT’S EXACTLY WHERE YOU’RE GOING!” She laugh’s cruelly before pushing down viciously on the hick’s throat.
T	he man sputters and squirms, choking slowly under Fluttershy’s foot. For a minute, his eyes roll back into his head while Fluttershy cackles cruely-
“STOP!” I yell out, interrupting the ongoing murder.
The three women turn to me, looking ready to kill anyone that stood in their way. “Sebastian?!” Twilight asks incredulously. “How long have you been there?!”
“Long enough,” I say tersely. “I saw what those fuckers tried to do to you, and they deserve to pay. But not like that.”
Fluttershy’s eyes light up in rage. "YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT TO DO?! AFTER WHAT HE DID TO US, HE DESERVES TO DIE!!"
"I didn't say that you couldn't kill him," I say calmly. "Just not like this." I lift up the kickstand holding the dish tray in place and send it rolling onto the filthy redneck's arms and legs, causing him to scream like hell. "Let him suffer," I whisper savagely.

------

After we finished our task, we all step out of the kitchen. "Alright, now you three have got to go now," I insist. "You nearly got killed back there, and we aren't letting it happen again."
"Please, darling," you saw us back there!" Rarity laughed. "We didn't need your help at all! We were just fine by ourselves!" 
“Whatever,” I say in frustration. “If you don’t have any fear of getting ripped to shreds, then you can come out and get filthy with us.”
A strange smile grows on Rarity’s face. “Gladly,” she grins.
“I-I’d like to go out too,” Fluttershy says confidently. “I want to help.”
I turn to Twilight in exasperation. “I don’t suppose you’ll be coming too?”
She cocks an eyebrow. “Were you planning to stop me?” she asks coolly.
For some reason, I feel a strange grin growing on my own face. “In that case, we’ve got to have a plan. Seeing as Rainbow Dash is probably with AJ, and Pinkie’s God-knows-where, I suggest we join the fray going on in the mass hall. You girls have your weapons?”
Twilight and Rarity hold a small arsenal of kitchen knives with their respective auras, while Fluttershy holds a meat cleaver and a positively murderous stare. I grin at my little army. “Alright then ladies, let’s move!”
We burst out of the kitchen to find that the anarchy had not begun to die down; on the contrary, it seemed to only escalate since I last saw it. With a grin, I shoot a nearby McCrady in the leg, sending him sliding down to the floor. Rarity and Twilight shoot a couple of knives towards the crowd, sending several zombies’ heads flying, and Fluttershy manages to slice her meat cleaver straight through a corpse herself. Despite all of this, we barely make a dent in the crowd, and we’re soon cornered in by the zombies.
Suddenly, a blue blur slices through the crowd, leaving several of the undead completely mulched. “Rainbow!” We cry out happily.
Rainbow Dash stops and grins at us. “Heya, guys!” She says cheerfully as she slices through another legion of the undead with a large katana. “Have you seen Applejack around here?”
“I thought she was with you!” I reply, jabbing my chainsaw through a nearby ghoul.
“She was, but I lost her in all these fuckers!” She sighs while loping off a zombie’s arm. “Ah well, she’s probably fine.”
“Glad to know you guys care!” Applejack’s voice comes from the crowd. A large section of the undead forces fall like dominos, revealing a bruised blonde sporting a sawed off shotgun. “Make room, you stinkin’ piece of trash!” She snarls as she blasts her way through the group.
“You see? We had nothing to worry about!” Rarity says, grunting slightly as she sends another cutlery set through the air.
Our answer comes bursting through the door as we see Pinkie Pie standing there, holding what appeared to be a lawnmower with the blade facing towards the crowd. “Party’s over!” She cackles as she gets the blade spinning, mowing through hundreds of the filthy creatures at once.
“Pinkie!” We call to the juggernaut as she makes her way through the crowd.
“Hey you guys!” She says cheerfully, mulching down a couple more dozen monsters as she turns to us. “You ok?”
“Not for long!” I say cautiously as my chainsaw finally runs out of gas. “I’m out of both fuel and ammo!”
“Shit! So am I!” Applejack growls, throwing her rifle away and pulling out a baseball bat.
“Same here,” Twilight said in defeat as she and Rarity both threw their last knives.
Pinkie tosses her lawnmower onto the nearest zombie. “I’m spent!” She cries.
I feel tears welling up in my eyes. “Well, it was a hell of a ride while it lasted,” I grin, trying to mask my true emotions.
Everyone nods and huddles together, trying to stay close. The zombies start to close in on us, and we hold each other tighter and tighter until-
“ENOUGH!” A booming voice comes from above. Everyone, zombies and humans alike, look up to see Dr. Cula floating above all of us, grinning triumphantly. “TO MY ENEMIES, YOU HAVE A CHOICE: EITHER SURRENDER NOW AND SUBMIT TO MY RULE, OR PREPARE YOURSELVES TO BE A MEAL OF A LIFETIME!”
“AND WHO SAYS WE’VE LOST?!” The familiar voice of Gus yells out. I turn to find that he was also cornered against the wall with a weed whacker in his hands. “AS LONG AS WE GOT CLANCY, YOU PUNKS DON’T STAND A CHANCE!”
The vampire sneers at this, his once handsome face transforming into one of pure evil. “YOU THINK CLANCY CAN SAVE YOU NOW? FINE THEN! BEHOLD YOUR SAVIOR!” He holds something that looks horribly like a human head, with dark greasy hair and a scar running down the side.
A sinking sensation settles into my stomach. “You killed him,” I whisper in amazement. “You actually killed him…”
Cula, apparently able to hear me, gives us a leer, revealing bloody canines. “KNOW THAT HIS DEATH WAS DRAWN OUT AND MERCILESS! HE DIED BEGGING FOR HIS LIFE, AND THAT HE WAS WILLING TO SELL YOU OUT JUST TO SAVE HIS OWN SKIN!”
“YOU’RE LYING!” Gus yelled out. “CLANCY WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO US! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT AN OVERGROWN RAT!”
Cula’s eyes locked onto Gus with cruel precision. “Kill him,” he said icily.
Before he could react, the group of zombies next to him lurched at him, ripping at his skin. Gus gave a blood-curdling scream before the zombies had finished, leaving nothing but a mass of bones and flesh. “ARE THERE ANY OTHERS WHO DISPUTE MY INTEGRITY?!” Cula boomed.
“Right here!” Another familiar voice called out. We all turn to see that the Doc was standing at the entrance of the mess hall, a small revolver in her hand. “I saw Clancy when you attacked him,” she said serenely, walking through the legion of the undead like it was nothing. “You waited until he had finished off the McCrady leader and was too tired to fight. He still managed to give you a run for your money, and when you finally pinned him down, he just laughed and spit in your face. You didn’t even have the guts to feed on him till you were sure he was dead,” she added hatefully. “You’re nothing but a cowardly, gluttonous, well-dressed piece of shit.”
Cula stood stock still, shocked at what had been said. I half expected him to fly down onto her and attack her himself. Instead, his face returned to its normal handsome form. “Sweet Eliza,” he crooned. “Why cling on to this filthy sewer rat when you see that he is dead?”
“Because he gave me something to believe in, when all you did was remind me how cruel the world was,” the Doc said spitefully. “He showed me that I didn’t have to scrounge the Earth like an animal to survive. He showed me that there still are good people left and that man is truly decent.”
The vampire’s face hardened. “WHAT IS A MAN?! A MISERABLE LITTLE PILE OF SECRETS?! BUT ENOUGH TALK! HAVE AT YOU!!” He bellowed, swooping down on her.
The Doc was prepared for this and braced herself before the mad doctor slammed her into a wall. “You used to love me once,” Cula hissed, his yellow eyes gleaming evilly.
“Honey, you got real ugly,” the Doc smirked before pulling the trigger of her revolver.
The vampire gave a gasp and backed off, revealing a stain of dark red on his white suit. “BUT HOW?!” he screeches, holding his side in pain. “IT ISN’T POSSIBLE!!”
“One last silver bullet,” the Doc says softly. “Good to see that I did the right thing with it after all.”
The vampire gave a bloodcurdling moan before falling to the ground and bursting into flames. Amazingly, the zombies quickly followed suit, making the entire mess hall a giant inferno of burning corpses. “GET OUT NOW!” the Doc hollers across the room. “I’LL BE FINE, JUST GET OUT!”
We nod and rush towards the door, which was only partially blocked by the burning ghouls. We manage to go through unburned, finally making it outside. “Well,” Twilight wheezed, wiping some sweat off of her forehead. “That was… Interesting.”
Suddenly, the massive explosion comes from the mess hall, knocking us all about two feet ahead. “HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE IN MOVIES WALK AWAY WITHOUT FLINCHING?!” Rainbow Dash yells, banging her fist against the floor. “I CALL BS ON THAT!”
Fluttershy sighs, wiping some dirt off of her face. “What do we do now?” she asks me.
I try to think of something reasonable to say, but my mind is simply overwhelmed by the events of the day. “Let’s… Let’s just call it a night, shall we?” I plead, lying on the dirt.
There’s a slight pause before everyone obliges, huddling up to each other and looking up at the full moon. “Hey guys?” Pinkie asks.
“Yeah Pinkie?” Applejack answers.
“Didn’t Clancy say that werewolves come out on the full moon?”
“… Shut the fuck up, Pinkie Pie.”
> Chapter the Eleventh
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Eleventh, or “In Which We Play the World’s Smallest Violin”

“Sebastian…” a voice coos from far away. “Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey…”
I blearily open my eyes to see a certain chaos god grinning expectantly over me, his eyes glistening with excitement. “What do you want, Discord?” I groan.
“Aw, is that the best you got?” He pouts. “After all we’ve been through?”
I sigh in exasperation and put on the most obviously forced smile I can manage. “Why Discord, how lovely to see you!” I hiss through my teeth, my voice dripping with venom.
“Hmmm… I suppose that’ll do for now,” the old man shrugs, walking away from my bedside. “Anyways, how are you feeling?”
“Oh, you know, just survived a complete hell-house,” I smirk. Looking down at my arms, I feel a slight twinge of annoyance. “Why am I still missing my hand?”
“I knew I forgot something!” Discord exclaims, hitting his hand against his forehead. With a snap of his fingers, a white Mickey Mouse glove pops out of the white walls and walks over to me on its fingers. “Just slip it on and tug it off, and you’ll get something back!” He assures me.
I warily pick up the glove and put it around my handless wrist. Deciding to get it over with, I close my eyes and pull it off with a surprisingly loud *pop*. I glance over to my hand, only to reveal a large lobster claw had grown in. “Discord…” I growl in annoyance.
“Oh, you’re no fun,” he huffs before snapping his fingers again. In a flash of white, the lobster claw is replaced by my normal hand. “You happy now?” he asks in slight annoyance.
I stretch and wiggle my fingers around, making sure that they still work. “I suppose I can’t stay mad at you now,” I admit with a slight smile.
“Good!” The chaos god says jovially. “Now, ON TO THE NEXT TRIAL!”
Without a moment’s warning, I find myself being strapped to my bed from my arms and legs. With a sinister smile, Discord conjures up a remote control and pushes the center button, causing the bed to lurch forward at an alarming speed. I have just enough time to let out a bellow of anger before slamming straight into the pure white wall-
I wake up with a start, still startled by the course of events. After making sure that I was still in one piece, I take the opportunity to look around my surroundings: A cramped, gaudily-colored apartment, its floor littered with soda cans and take-out boxes. I grumble a bit before walking across the hall, where a small, grimy looking mirror had been hung from the wall. Peering into the looking glass, I’m slightly disappointed to find out that I had no real changes to my appearance other than my hair being slightly greasier than usual. With a sigh, I stagger to the kitchen, shivering slightly as the cold linoleum is pressed against my feet. “I gotta say, I’m slightly disappointed right now,” I smirk. However, it’s surprisingly the sound of my voice that throws me for a loop. What the hell? I sound like something out of an eighties’ cop flick!
With a scowl, I make my way to the grimy refrigerator, where a small and torn calendar is hung by a magnet. Hastily scrawled onto the current date (that I somehow mysteriously know) are the words “Job Interview”. Job interview… I guess that could be somewhat interesting, I think dejectedly to myself. However, one last glimmer of hope caught my eye: A literal glimmer of gold on the table. Curious, I shove some papers and trash off to reveal a gleaming police badge, brightly polished and maintained.
“I wouldn’t put that on, if I were you,” Discord’s voice said warningly. I turn around to find the demigod lounging on the previously empty sofa, wearing an almost blindingly pink blazer and pure white pants. "It’s kinda supposed to be a secret, hence you hiding it,” he went on to explain, casually making his way through the trash on the floor.
“What do you mean, secret?” I ask, trying hard to ignore my increasingly obvious Jersey accent. “Who’d care if I was a cop?”
“Several people, due to the fact that you’re an under-cover cop,” Discord smirked. He snatched the badge from my hand and threw it to the other side of the room, where a safe spontaneously formed around it. “See, right now you’re going to try to infiltrate a crime syndicate, and the only way you do that is through initiation.”
“What’s the initiation?” I ask cautiously.
Discord grins. “I think you’ll connect the dots by yourself,” he teases. “In the meantime, you should get ready for the day. You don’t want to screw up on the big job interview, do you?” With that, Discord snaps his fingers and teleports in a flash of white, leaving me alone in the grimy apartment.
Deciding it would be better to just look for the clues myself, I walk to the closet, where I find a smart looking suit and tie. On the suit is a sticky note with the words saying “Borhab Bay, 11:00.” I look up at the wall clock to see that I had about half an hour to get to the bay, so I put on the suit and walk over to see how it looks in the mirror. Surprisingly, it only makes me look like more of a street thug rather than doing anything to clean up my appearance. Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I think to myself as I slip on a pair of sleazing-looking shades. Still feeling like something was missing, I look aimlessly around the apartment until a dull glimmer caught my eye. I stride over to find a large revolver lying on the ground, buried under all of the refuse. I check the barrel to find that it was fully loaded, the bullets shining with a dull gleam. Better this than nothing, I think to myself as I slip the gun into my coat pocket. Feeling satisfied with my materials, I stride towards the door, whistling a tune as I walked down the hallway.

-------

I step outside the grungy apartment complex with an almost forced confidence, as if my body was just trained to push out my chest and give people threatening looks. I somehow automatically recognize my car, a 60’s style red convertible. Deciding to just go with what my gut was telling me, I hop into the driver’s seat of the car, only to remember that I didn’t have any car keys. With a sigh, I open the door to get out, only to suddenly feel the keys press up my leg. I suppose Discord’s doing his best to make this work, I smirk as I fish the keys out of my dress pants. I pull them out and slide them into the keyhole, and turning them gave a nice satisfying growl out of the engine. Grinning, I pull out of the parking lot and begin my drive to wherever the hell I was supposed to go, letting my hands do the work rather than put any thought into the situation. After a twenty-minute drive, I reach my destination: A broken down abandoned shipyard, algae and rust completely dominating the scenery. I could barely make out the words “Borhab Bay” from the rust-covered sign, but it appeared that the “No Trespassers” warning had only recently been placed. You know, this place just gets dirtier and dirtier the more I get to know it, I sigh as I drive past the signs. Somehow, I decide to steer the car up to a particularly old warehouse, where a deep green car was parked outside. As I park, I glance into my back mirror to see a fat balding man with a leather briefcase waddle over to my car. “Sebby, ya made it!” He said jovially, sticking his grubby hand through my window.
I bite back the urge to tell him not to refer to me by that blasted nickname. Instead, a grin spreads onto my face as I took his hand and shook it firmly. “How ya doin’, Joe?” I asked, somehow pulling the name out of a hat.
“Doin’ great, no thanks to your stinkin’ ass!” he chortled, slapping me on the back. “Now c’mon, we’re still waitin’ for your partner to show up!”
I step out of the car and follow the old man inside the dank warehouse. “So, who is this guy anyways?” I ask curiously, twirling my keys around my fingers. “Anyone I know?”
“I thought I explained it to ya already, ya moron!” he says in fond exasperation. “This job you’re up for requires ABSOLUTE SECRECY! Ain’t nobody on here any acquaintances of yours, I’ll tell you that much! That’ll make sure that in case one of yous gets caught, you ain’t gonna squeal on any of your business partners, capiche?”
I find myself admiring such a simple yet effective plan. “I get it,” I nod.
“Good. Now where’s your wig?”
I balk at the seemingly random question. “Uh…”
“Don’t tell me ya forgot your wig, you knucklehead!” Joe groaned, punching me on the arm. “Lucky for you, Papa Joe’s always got a spare!” He pulls out a cheap silver wig from his briefcase and places it roughly onto my head. “There ya go! Now no one’s gonna to recognize ya, see?”
There was something about Joe that made it easy to take his abuse. “Whatever you say, I just want to see this partner of mine.”
A sly grin slips onto Joe’s face. “Oh, you’ll wanna see her, alright,” he assures me, waggling his thick eyebrows. “She’s as pretty as a pearl, sharp as a tack, and deadly as the Plague!”
I raise my eyebrows in interest. “I didn’t know you’re hiring chicks now, Joe. Ain’t you a little old to be chasin’ secretaries?”
“Hey, these gals are the crème de la crème of the business!” He chortled. “Just cause they’re chicks don’t mean they ain’t good for nothing! Truth be told, you’ll be the only guy on the squad for this job!”
I feel a wolfish grin spread across my face. “Well, now I’m DEFINITELY interested!”
“Now Sebby, I want ya to be on your best behavior,” the old man says in a mock stern voice. After all, these ladies are hired to do business, not to get knocked up!”
“I’ll try Joe, but you know me and the ladies,” I warn him.
We stand by the entrance of the warehouse, waiting for my “partner” to show up. My mouth goes on autopilot, making small talk with Joe while I try to make sense of what was going on. What exactly is this job, anyways? Am I going to have to rob a gas-station or something? Who exactly is this chick going to be, anyways? Just someone that Discord created? If that’s the case, where did the girls go?
I’m shaken out of my thoughts when a lavender buggy pulls up to the warehouse parking lot. A woman in a black suit and purple tie gets out, her shades obscuring her face. However, the dead giveaway was her hair: Long indigo locks with a streak of purple and pink down her bangs.
“Miss Twilight!” Joe calls out in his jolly voice. “Come over here and say hello to Mr. Silver!”
As Twilight approaches us, I notice that there was something weird about her. Instead of her hair looking natural, it also looked like it was a cheap wig, almost as if it were bought from a party store. “This is the guy?” she asked, obviously not impressed.
“Hey, don’t underestimate Mr. Silver! Sure he ain’t much of a thinker like yourself,” he teases, “but he’s got a way with words, if ya catch my drift!”
Even her dark shades couldn’t hide the obvious eye-roll she gave me. “Whatever, let’s just get this over with,” she huffed before walking over to my car.
I lean over to Joe. “She ain’t much of a people person, is she?” I ask jokingly.
“Sure, she ain’t the social type, but the girl knows numbers like the palm of her hand. We need geniuses like her to crack that code they’ve got in that vault of theirs!”
I roll my eyes as we begin to walk towards the car. “So that’s what me and her are doin’ today? Just a simple bank job?”
“It ain’t so simple, and it ain’t no bank job,” Joe assures me as we reach my car. He waited to make sure that Twilight (or MISS Twilight, or whatever) was paying attention. “Alright, here’s the scoop: You two will be headin’ over to pick up a guy who knows a little too much, a certain Marvin Snitch, from his house about three blocks away.” He hands me a photo of the guy along with a sticky note with directions on it. “All you gotta do is pick him up, get him over here, rough him up a bit, and make sure he don’t get anyone’s attention, you got that?”
“Um, excuse me, but what does this have to do with the job you offered me?” Twilight asks in an anxious schoolgirl manner.
“This is to see how you two handle stress together,” Joe explains. “See, I’m plannin’ for the pair of you to be working on the job I have in mind, but I gotta see how you work as a team, you got that?”
Apparently satisfied with the explanation, Twilight hops into the car and looks at me expectantly. “The car’s not going to start itself, you know,” she says sarcastically.
Joe chuckles at her joke. “Give him time to catch up, Twilight,” he grins. “He ain’t on the same IQ plane as you are.” He pats my back and waddles off to his green car, giving us a wave as he drives off.
A small cough makes me turn around to find that Twilight was getting quite impatient with me. “Well, we don’t have all day!” She says in an exasperated tone.
I chuckle and get into the car. Slipping my key into the slot, I pull out of the driveway of the warehouse and make my way to our destination.

-----

“Sooo… Wanna get a burger?” I ask awkwardly as Twilight and I sit outside of a small apartment complex. “My treat.”
“We’re working right now,” Twilight says dismissively, not even looking towards me as she watches the driveway like a hawk. “No distractions.”
“C’mon, we can’t work on empty stomachs!” I point out. “Besides, that guy hasn’t come out yet, and we’ve been waiting for an hour!”
“It’ll take too long!” Twilight groans, still staring intently out the window. “I mean, do you even know if there’s a food place anywhere nearby?”
“There’s a McDonald’s right across the street!” I say incredulously. “I can get our order and be back in five minutes max!”
“Fine, do what you want!” Twilight groaned. “Get me a Quarter Pounder, will you?”
“You mean a Royale with Cheese?” I grin.
“Just go get the food!” She snarls impatiently.

-----

“Alright, back,” I announce as I drop the McDonald’s bag between our car seats. “Anything happen yet?”
“I think he’s getting out right now,” Twi responds without looking at me. “What took you so long?”
“I think they might have been robbing the store I was just in,” I shrug as I rummage through the bag for my order. “By the way, they were out of Quarter Pounders, so I just grabbed something from a burger shack nearby. It’d called a Big Kahuna Burger or something.”
“Fine, whatever you say,” she says absentmindedly, pulling her order out of the bag without even looking at it. However, her eyes widen as she takes her first bite. “Mmmmm… This IS a tasty burger!” She exclaims, looking at me for the first time.
“Damn it, I should have gotten one!” I sigh as I look at my disappointing meal. “This burger’s sagging…”
Suddenly, a little *ring* catches my attention. I look past Twilight to see that our target had just left the building. “Oh shit, he’s out!”
“WHAT?!” Twilight screeched, spitting out part of her burger. Seeing that I had been telling the truth, she wipes her mouth and whips out her gun out from her coat pocket. “Oh God, let’s do this quickly!” She exclaims, stepping out of the car.
I sigh and follow my partner, trying to keep my cool. However, our target apparently realizes what we were up to, and he begins to run in the opposite direction. We in turn, give chase, managing to corner him in the alley. “Whoa, Marvin, let’s chill out here,” I warn him, showing him my revolver. “We don’t want any trouble, we just want to talk, alright?”
“Bullshit!” He cries, sweat dripping down his dark skin. “Y’all about to shoot me up for snitchin’!”
“No Marvin, we just need to talk,” I insist calmly. “Just come with us, nice and easy, alright?”
Marvin hesitates before reluctantly following me, his hands put behind his head. Twilight points the gun at him, her hands shaking as she slowly points him towards the car.
I smirk at Twilight’s antsy actions. “First time out in the street, huh?”
“Let’s just get out of here before someone sees us!” She hisses as we reach the convertible. “Turn the ceiling up so we can cover up better!”
“Fine,” I sigh, and I flick a switch that pulls up the canvas. As I drive the car out of the apartment parking lot, I try to lighten the mood of the tense situation. “SO, it was a real blessing that we made it out, huh?” I smile weakly.
“I don’t believe in God,” Twilight replies tersely, still pointing the gun at Marvin. “It never made sense to me.”
“What? Bull, I believe that God’s everywhere, you know? What do you think, Marvin?”
Our hostage stammers a little before answering. “I-I-I don’t know…”
I grin at his nervousness. “C’mon, you’ve got to have an opinion-“
*SPLAT* A large bang rings through the air, causing me to swerve off the road. I feel a thick liquid ooze down my neck, and a nauseating smell had filled the car. “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!” I demand.
“Oh man, oh man, oh man…” Twilight squeaks over and over to herself.
I touch the back of my neck and look at the liquid, revealing it to be blood. “I REPEAT, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!”
“I accidently shot Marvin in the face,” Twilight says quietly.
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!” I roar at the violet-haired murderer.
“It was an accident!” she pleads. “We hit a bump and my finger slipped!”
I swallow a nasty retort and try to focus on what to do next. “Well… We’re going to have to tell Joe what happened…”
“NO!!” Twilight screeched. “He’ll kill us both!”
“Look, we were supposed to shut the guy up anyways, and we sure as hell shut the guy up!” I say tersely. “Let’s just tell Joe what happened and call it a day, shall we?!”
Seeing no other course of action, Twilight sighed. “Ok…”
> Chapter the Twelfth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Twelfth, or “In Which We Get Stuck In The Middle”


WARNING: I tried to write these next few chapters so that it would be as close to a Tarantino flick as I could manage. If you don’t already know, Quinton Tarantino is known for not telling his stories chronologically, so it might get a little confusing…
“So there I was, sitting in my office chair, waiting for these two bozos to call, when the phone rings and I pick up. I say to them, ‘What the hell took you two so long?’ and Silver answers ‘Hey Joe, don’t get mad, but we accidently killed the snitch!’ I ask him ‘What the fuck happened,’ and this moron replies ‘The gun slipped and shot him in the face!’”
Joe begins to chortle as he tells the story, and the rest of the table leans in closer to hear him. “So anyways, I says ‘Alright Silver, don’t lie: How many inches deep were you in this chick I sent you with?’ “And you know what this clown replies?” Joe asks, barely able to hold in his laughter. “He says ‘Ten inches!!!’”
The whole table howls with laughter as Twilight and I blush in embarrassment. “Did we really have to go with that story?” She asks me viciously under her breath.
“It’s the only excuse I could think of on the spur of the moment,” I hiss back. “Besides, I wasn’t the one who shot Marvin!”
Before Twi can respond, I feel someone clap me on the back. “Man, I’ve had some crazy nights, but I’ve never killed anyone before!” The girl in the rainbow wig grins.
“Same here, though Ah once broke a guy’s arm!” declared the woman in a blonde wig.
"Goodness, what happened?!” The lady in the violet wig asked.
“Let’s just say this guy got a little too close to an area he wasn’t invited to,” the blonde smirks, lowering the brim of her Stetson below her eyes.
“Oh, how uncouth!” The violet-haired lady shudders. “I could never tolerate a man doing… THAT to me!”
“Ooh, I don’t mind what a guy does to me!” a girl in a fluffy neon pink wig butts in, giggling manically. “I mean, this one time, there was these three guys I knew, and I got them all together at a library and they tied me up and-“
“Alright, enough about your sexual experiences,” Joe laughs as he gets up. “I’ll pay for the meal, you guys pay the tip.” He walks off to the bathroom, leaving us at the table.
“Alrighty, ladies and gent, put ‘em up,” the blonde commands, and we all take out two or three bucks to leave for the tip; that is, except for the girl in the rainbow wig, who just sat there and put her hands behind her head. “Well?” The blonde asked expectantly.
The rainbow-haired girl looks over to the woman in the blonde wig. “Well what?” she asks a little too casually.
Blonde-wig is not amused. “We both know you didn’t put anythin’ in the tip pile, so hurry up and put in a buck."
“Oh, I don’t believe in tips,” the girl says airily, moving a lock of her fake rainbow hair out of her eye. “I only tip when I really think I’ve gotten really good service.”
“Come now, Miss Rainbow, that poor waitress came her at least once every three minutes!” the lady in the purple wig says reprovingly. “You can’t say that it wasn’t good service!”
“I didn’t say that it wasn’t GOOD service, I’m just saying it wasn’t REALLY good!” Miss Rainbow explains. “I mean, when I go to a diner, I want my mug filled at least seven or eight times once I’m there. I counted, and this chick only came by and filled my cup four times!”
“What do you want her to do fer a tip, take you to the back alley and eat ya out?!” The woman in the blonde wig laughs.
“I think you should add something to the tip, Miss Rainbow,” the girl in the light pink wig says quietly, speaking out loud for the first time. “I mean, she works very hard and barely gets paid…”
Miss Rainbow rolls her eyes and begins to rub her fingers together. “You see what this is, Miss Shy? This is the world’s smallest violin playing the world’s saddest song, just for those waitresses,” she smirks, rubbing her fingers in front of Miss Shy’s face. “There are plenty of jobs that get worse pay than this, and they don’t get tips! Garbage men don’t get tips! Janitors don’t get tips! Hell, even the guys at McDonald’s don’t get tips! Why should waitresses get tips?”
“Just put in a fuckin’ tip, Miss Rainbow,” the blonde sighs.
“Fuck you, Miss Applejack!” Miss Rainbow huffs, flipping the blonde off. “I already told you why I’m not gonna tip!”
“You know what, she’s convinced me!” The girl in the puffy pink hair grins as she reaches her hand across the table. “Gimme back my two bucks!”
“Ain’t nobody gettin’ their money back from the tips!” Miss Applejack growls. “Miss Pinkie, sit back down, and Miss Rainbow, put in a fuckin’ tip!”
“Whoa whoa whoa, what’s goin’ on over here?” Joe asks as he comes back from the facilities. “I could hear you guys all the way from the john!”
“Miss Rainbow won’t put in a tip fer the waitresses,” Miss Applejack huffs.
Joe looks at the girl incredulously. “What the hell do she mean you won’t tip?!” he asks, almost as if he had just been told that up was down.
Miss Rainbow, who had been very cool and confident up to this point, suddenly began to show some signs of nervousness. “What I’m saying is that I don’t think the waitress deserved a tip!” she explains defensively.
“I don’t give a damn what you think!” Joe snorts in derision. “I paid the tab, now you pay the tip!”
Miss Rainbow puts up her hands in defeat. “Alright, fine, just because YOU’RE the one paying the tab.” With the air of noble defeat, she pulls out her wallet and lets a single dollar bill drop onto the table.
“Can I still get my tip back?” Miss Pinkie asks innocently.
“No one’s getting their tip back,” Joe says sternly. “Now come one, you morons, let’s get to work.
Twi and I take this opportunity to stand up from our tables to join the group, Miss Shy trailing close behind us. “These ladies are really intense, aren’t they?” Miss Twilight whispers in my ear.
“Joe picked the best of the best,” I assure her as we walk out of the diner. “Besides, all we have to do is work with ‘em, not be best friends.”
As we walk out of the shadow of the diner, I take a moment to appreciate the strangeness of our situation: Here we are, some punks walking out of a diner, getting ready to rob a jewelry store, and we’re walking out in the open like it was nothing. The girls and I were all wearing matching suits and some ridiculous wigs, looking like something out of a comic book. I have a feeling that I know how this is going to end…

-------

I moan as I clutch my stomach while Twilight drives like a maniac down the highway. I look down gingerly to see that my worst fears have been confirmed: That pain in my gut, the pain that reaches every fiber of my being, is a bullet wound. Dark red blood soaks through my suit and dress shirt, staining my hands a filthy brownish color as I try desperately try to hold it in. “I’M GONNA DIE, TWI!” I wail. “I’M GONNA DIE!!”
“NO YOU AREN’T, NO YOU AREN’T, NO YOU AREN’T!!” Twi snarls, grabbing my free hand and squeezing tightly. “YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT, GODDAMN IT, YOU’RE GOING TO BE OK, SILVER!”
“I’m gonna die…” I moan pathetically, resting my head on the car’s backseat.
Twilight looks at me with a steely glare in her eye and squeezes my hand even tighter. “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!” she declares, just barely swerving out of the way of a fire hydrant. “YOU’RE GOING TO BE OK! SAY IT WITH ME, WILL YOU?! YOU’RE GONNA BE O-KAAAY, YOU’RE GONNA BE O-KAAAY, YOU’RE GONNA BE O-KAAY!” She keeps with this insane chant throughout the drive, squeezing my hand tighter and tighter as she dodges the obstacles in the road.
Finally, we arrive at our destination: the same weather-beaten warehouse from earlier. Twi parks in the lot, gets out of the car, and manages to pick me up and carry me all the way inside. “C’mon, Silver, you’re gonna be ok,” she mutters, more to herself than to me. She sets me down gently on the floor and gets up, revealing that my blood had also stained her suit. “Now tell me, are you ok Silver?” She asks a little more gently.
I swallow the pain and put on a weary smile. “I’m ok, Twi,” I manage to gasp.
She smiles in relief and strokes down my face. “You’re gonna be ok, Silver,” she assures me for the umpteenth time.
Something about the way she kept assuring me didn’t sound right. “Twi?” I ask slowly, held back slightly by the pain. “Why didn’t you drop me off at a hospital?”
The smile on her face dropped suddenly. “You know I can’t do that, Silver,” she said softly.
“I promise I won’t tell anyone,” I plead, my agony dripping off every syllable. “I don’t know your name or even how you look, Twi! All you have to do is drop me off…”
I can see in her eyes that she wants to believe me, but something holds her back. “Look, Silver, time is on your side. It takes at least a week to die of a stomach wound. By the time we figure out what’s going on, we’ll be able to take you to get treated. Maybe Joe can send a doctor or something…”
As she says this, I get a sudden burst of memory of the events that had occurred: As we had robbed the jewelry store, I had my men patrol the street so that when we struck, they’d be ready. They did their job a little too well; I had been shot in the crossfire between the crooks and the cops. Next thing I knew, Twi had whisked me off to the safe house. I just hope they didn’t figure out that I was the snitch yet, I think nervously to myself.
The door slams open, revealing an absolutely livid Miss Rainbow. “We’ve been set up!” She raved, her rainbow wig bobbing dangerously loose from her head. “We need to get out of here now!”
“Are you kidding me?!” Twi said incredulously. “We can’t move, we’ve got to wait till Joe straightens this out!”
“Look, for all we know, JOE was the one who set us up!” Rainbow said hysterically. “It could be anyone of us! It could be you, it could be me, it could be that Mr. Silver guy, who I never liked anyways-“
Twilight’s face hardened. “Mr. Silver’s been shot,” she said coolly.
Rainbow, apparently looking down for the first time, nearly jumped out her skin when she saw me laid out on the floor. “OH SHIT!” she yelled loudly. “What are you doing carrying around dead weight?!”
“Not dead yet,” I groan, feeling a trickle of blood drip from my lips.
Miss Rainbow ignores me completely as she turns to Twi. “We’ve gotta get rid of him!” She demands. “He can’t do anything right now!”
“Well, what are we supposed to do?!” Twilight asks desperately. “I’m not going to leave him here to suffer!”
Miss Rainbow sighs and looks at me the same way someone would look at a half-roadkilled dog. “Well, I guess we wait here for Joe to show up…”
Suddenly, a loud thump rings through the air, causing both Twilight and Miss Rainbow to pull out their weapons. The door opens to reveal a strangely calm Miss Pinkie, who was nonchalantly sipping on some soda. Her wig, once puffy and curly, now seems to have been deflated to straight locks. “Everything ok?” She asks in a chillingly calm voice.
> Chapter the Thirteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Thirteenth, or “The Final Showdown”

“What the hell do you mean, is everything ok?!” Miss Rainbow asks incredulously. “Miss Rarity, Miss Shy and Miss Applejack are dead, Mr. Silver over here has a gut wound the size of the Grand Canyon, and it turns out that we’ve been ratted out! DOES IT LOOK LIKE EVERYTHING’S OK?!”
Miss Pinkie smirks and crumples up her paper soda cup. “You guys wanna see something?” she asks calmly.
Miss Rainbow looks at her as if she had suggested that the earth was cube. “Did ANY of the words I just said register with you?! Are you even CARING about our business partners right now?!”
Miss Pinkie sighs, obviously bored. “Whatever, it’s not like they spilled the beans or anything.”
For a second, I thought Miss Rainbow was going to knock her lights out, but surprisingly, it’s Twi that beats her to the punch. “ARE YOU SOME SORT OF PSYCHOPATH OR SOMETHING?!” she demands.
Miss Pinkie wipes some blood from her nose and grins. “Bingo,” she said softly, pulling out her gun from her coat pocket.
Twi mirrors her action, albeit a little more shakily. “I saw what you did to those people back at the job,” she declared, seething with anger. “You fucking ENJOYED shooting those people!”
“You gotta do what you gotta do,” Miss Pinkie replies serenely, her gun never wavering. “They didn’t listen to the girl with the gun.”
Miss Rainbow quickly snatches the weapons out of both of the women’s hands. “What the hell do you two think you’re doing?!” she asks. “We’re goddamn professionals here! Act like it!”
Twilight looks at Miss Rainbow as if she were insane. “You saw this psycho bitch in action! She was laughing it up back there like it was some sort of carnival ride!”
“Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but we can’t kill each other over nothing! We’ve got to look at this logically, alright?”
Well, that’s a change from Rainbow, I think snidely to myself. A sudden burst of pain snaps me back into reality, and I cough up a bit of blood before moaning in agony.
My pathetic condition drew the attention of the three girls. “So what are you guys gonna do with him?” Miss Pinkie asked, her eyes glowing maliciously.
Thankfully, Miss Twilight comes to my rescue. “I was thinking that maybe we could drop him off at a hospital,” she said a little unsurely.
Miss Rainbow looks at her with undisguised shock. “What happened to waitin’ for Joe to show up?!”
“Well, look at him… I don’t think he has much more to live… Besides, he doesn’t know any of our names, so he can’t rat us out!” Twilight reasoned.
“But he knows our faces and our specialties!” Miss Rainbow groans. “He’ll be able to recognize us if they ever find us!”
“We didn’t even steal any of the diamonds!” Twilight sighs. “The cops spooked us away before we could even get close!”
A guilty look goes across Miss Rainbow’s face. “Uh, actually… I might have been able to nab a few…”
Miss Twilight’s eyes shoot open. “You have the diamonds right here?!”
“Sort of… I stashed ‘em before I got here,” Miss Rainbow confessed. “I thought it’d be better if I didn’t have ‘em with me, in case this was a set up.”
Even Miss Pinkie seems impressed. “Look at you, thinkin’ ahead!” she said smugly.
“So where are they now?” Twi asked eagerly, looking behind Miss Rainbow as if she might be hiding them behind her back.
The rainbow-haired girl looks at Miss Twilight warily. “They’re safe now,” she says vaguely. “We’ll split ‘em up as soon as we blow this whole cop thing out of the water.”
“Speaking of that,” Miss Pinkie interjects with a smile, “I’ve got a surprise for you guys!” She begins to practically skip towards the warehouse doors with a sinister gleefulness.
Miss Rainbow looks to Miss Twilight. “You think we can trust her?”
Miss Twilight sighs. “It’s not like she can be a cop or anything. Besides, she won’t kill you, you’re the only one who knows where the diamonds are!”
“Good to know,” Miss Rainbow grumbles as she shuffles over to the door.
Twi turns to me and gently strokes my face. “We’ll be right back, I promise,” she says soothingly. “Just sit tight and try not to move.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I wheeze, trying to pull off a smile again.
With one last worried glance, she walks off to join the other two, leaving me alone to lie on the cold warehouse floor. I begin to feel reality slip away again…

-------

A sharp poke on my arm causes me to jolt back awake in my chair. “Whazza?” I mumble, the sleep still affecting my speech.
Miss Twilight gives me a look of annoyance. “Joe’s about to explain the plan,” she says reprovingly. “You can’t just fall asleep like that!”
I rub my eyes and peer ahead. Joe gives me a look of amusement. ‘Late night, Mr. Silver?” He says knowingly.
I suddenly remember what was going on. “Uh, yeah, I guess,” I say, deciding to just go along with the plan.
He chuckles and gives me a wink. “Quite frankly, I’m surprised Miss Twilight’s been able to stay awake, if you ask me.” His grin stays on for half a second before slipping into a look of authority. “Alright, ladies and gent, listen up,” he barks. “As you all know, I’ve called you all to discuss a potential job opportunity.”
I look behind me to find that the whole gang was here, all in identical suits and ridiculous wigs. This is one hell of a flashback, I think to myself as I marvel at the realness of it all.
“Now, in order to prevent anyone ratting on each other, I’ve made sure that none of you know each other,” Joe continues. “You are not to discuss your personal lives, your past, your future, or your true identities to each other. I’ve given you all aliases in order to remind you if the secrecy of this project. They will be as follows: Mr. Silver,” (he points at me for this), “Miss Twilight, Miss Pinkie, Miss Rarity, Miss Shy, Miss Applejack, and Miss Rainbow.”
“Why am I Miss Rainbow?” the girl in the rainbow wig complains loudly. “I mean, c’mon! That’s the most girlish name in the book!”
“Names don’t matter,” Miss Twilight says factually. “Besides, it goes with your disguise!”
“So I’ll trade with you!” The girl retorts. “Here, gimmie your wig and YOU can be Miss Rainbow!”
“No one’s switchin’ names, and no one’s switchin’ disguises!” Joe insists. “Now, if you two are done yappin’, we can get back to business!”
Miss Rainbow groans and slumps down in her chair. “Go ahead,” she sighs in defeat.
“Thank you. Now, the plan goes as follows: Miss Shy and Miss Rarity are gonna be our snipers on the outside,” Joe explains. “Miss Pinkie and Miss Applejack, you two are crowd control. Miss Rainbow and Miss Twilight, you two are gonna be crackin’ the safe. Mr. Silver, you’ll be tryin’ to keep everyone calm so we can keep casualties to a minimum. Everyone clear?”

-------

I wake up to the sound of someone’s sobs ringing through the air. I blearily open my eyes to see that there was a cop, beaten and bloodied, tied up to a wooden chair. His face was wet with a three-way combination of blood, sweat, and tears, and his hair was matted and filthy. I guess this was Miss Pinkie’s surprise, I think to myself in horror. My first instinct is to get up to help the poor guy, but a ripping pain in my gut reminds me that I’m in no position to be a good Samaritan either.
The door to the warehouse creaks open, revealing the silhouette of Miss Pinkie. “Well, well, well, it looks like we’re all by ourselves now, aren’t we Mr. Policeman?” She asks in that menacingly innocent voice. “I think we can have a little fun while they’re gone…” She walks up to him, her hips swaying seductively as she takes off her suit jacket. She sits on his lap, her legs open in his direction, and rips off the duct-tape covering his mouth. Ignoring the cop’s scream of pain, she pulls his chin up roughly and forces her lips onto his before pulling way suddenly with a leer. “Oh yes, I think I’ll enjoy this a lot,” she coos in his ear.
The cop looks at her with a mixture of confusion and horror. “What are you going to do with me?!” He asks, terror filling his words.
She lets out a high, cruel laugh and pulls a straight lock of pink hair from her face. Without answering him, she goes outside and comes back with a small radio. She puts it down on the floor and fiddles with the controls a little before finding the station she wanted.
“… And now, continuing with our classic rock week, is the Dylan-esque one-hit wonder from Steelers Wheel,” a bored voice drones over the radio. “Debuting in their 1972 album, it continues to be the band’s standout in an otherwise boring career. Here it is, Stuck in the Middle with You.”
A catchy little beat begins to play, starting off with a little guitar riff. Miss Pinkie taps her foot to it, getting more and more into the music. With a graceful twirl, she manages to land back into the cop’s lap. She gives him a seductive leer before viscously digging her nails into his face.
The cop manages to stop from screaming, but the tears dripping from his eyes said it all. Chuckling, the pink-haired menace pulls a small, black object from her pants pocket. With the click of a button, a thin silver blade pops out, much to the horror of both the cop and I. She giggles at his terrified expression and slides the knife across his cheek, adding a neat cut to his already bruised and bloodied face.
Seeing the silent tears sliding down the cop’s face, Miss Pinkie gives him a childish pout. “Aw, I wanted you to scream,” she frowned before quickly lighting up. “Oh, I know!” She roughly grabs his head and begins to cut at his left ear, causing the cop’s silence to break. I could barely watch as I watched the psychopathic woman roughly separate the ear from his head, a task made even more unbearable to watch because he was thrashing around like a wild animal.
When her grizzly task was completed, she giggles girlishly and holds the severed ear in her palm. “Hello? Can anyone hear me?” she asked playfully before tossing the ear away. Apparently satisfied, she gets off of the cop and walks outside, giving me my chance.
The horror I had witnessed gave me the strength to prop myself onto my elbow. “Hey, you,” I say to the cop in a hoarse whisper. “I’m an undercover cop, just sit tight and maybe we can-“
The warehouse door slams open again, and Miss Pinkie strides in with a gallon of gasoline. Before the cop can react, she splatters him with a downpour of the stuff, causing him to bellow in pain. Laughing, she pulls out a match, strikes it against the box-
BANG! She falls to the floor, bleeding profusely through her forehead. I see Miss Twilight behind her, her face a mixture of horror, disgust, and hatred. She quickly shoves her gun back into its holster and runs over to me, ignoring the cop completely. “Please, please, please be ok,” she muttered under her breath.
Miss Rainbow walks in, takes one look at the scene, and begins to hyperventilate. “WHAT THE HELL!?” She cries out, running over to check on Miss Pinkie. “SHE’S DEAD!”
“I know,” Twilight says coldly, not even looking behind her. “I killed her.”
Miss Rainbow begins to nervously pace around the warehouse. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! What are we gonna do?! Joe’s gonna be here any second now!” A sudden stroke of brilliance strikes her. “I know! We drag Miss Pinkie’s body to the corner, say the cop killed her, and we were just about to beat him up! That sounds like he’d fall for that, doesn’t it?!”
“Or we could tell him what happened: She was torturing this poor guy, and was about to burn down the fucking building!” Miss Twilight retorted. “You saw her reach for that match! She was gonna torch this place!”
Miss Rainbow bites her lip. “I guess that is true,” she admits. “Still, Joe won’t be too happy about it…”
I hear a car pull into the parking outside. A few seconds later, Joe stomps in, looking positively murderous. “Where is he?!” he bellowed. “I’m gonna bite his head off!”
Miss Rainbow walks up nervously to Joe. “Look, we got the cop, there’s no need to-“
Not even bothering to listen to her, Joe walks up to the cop, pulls out his gun, and blasts him in the chest. “WHERE THE HELL IS SILVER?!” he demanded.
I feel a sudden falling sensation in my stomach when I hear those words. “Why, what’s going on?” Miss Twilight asks warily.
Seeing me sprawled on the floor, Joe points his gun at me. “Move aside, Miss Twilight,” he ordered. “We’ve got a traitor in our midst.”
Twi looks from Joe to me incredulously. “Joe, that can’t be right!” She protested. “Silver’s good for this, he took a bullet to the stomach for us! He can’t be the snitch!”
“No, he’s even worse! He’s and undercover cop!” Joe growled, his eyes boring into mine. “He had the cops waiting for you at the bank!”
“No, you’re wrong!” Miss Twilight insists, growing more and more hostile. “He’s good, Joe, he is! He’s a victim too!”
“Step aside, Miss Twilight,” Joe growls.
Twi stands up and pulls out her gun. “Leave him alone, Joe!” She demands, her gun not even wavering. “He’s part of the team, not one of them!”
“Miss Twilight, if you do not get out of my way, I will shoot,” Joe says menacingly.
“Whoa whoa whoa, back up!” Miss Rainbow says pleadingly, trying to get between the two. “Look, let’s just take a second to relax and we can try to-“
“Joe, stop pointing your gun at Silver or I’ll shoot,” Miss Twilight snarled, her eyes gleaming dangerously. Miss Rainbow, seeing this gleam, gives up and scurries away.
Joe lets out a scoff. “You ain’t nothin’ but a rookie.”
*BAM* Joe’s sent reeling back, blood spreading through his shirt. Twilight also staggered back, as it seems that Joe had sent a bullet sailing towards her. She looks at me with a pleading look as she quickly begins to bleed.
Miss Rainbow looks at the bodies in horror and swiftly makes her escape, leaving Twilight and I alone with the dead and dying bodies. “Twi,” I whisper hoarsely. “I got somethin’ to tell you-“
“Please, don’t,” she says plaintively, wheezing slightly. “Let’s just… Just stay quiet for a little…”
> Chapter the Fourteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Fourteenth, or “In Which Things Get Wild”


I awake to that familiar white room, not even phased with the change of scenery. “Discord?” I call out (thankfully in my normal voice). “Where are you this time?”
A small balloon drifts in from nowhere and floats down to the floor. With an unusually loud *QUACK*, Discord appears in a theatrical pose, accompanied with a rain of small plastic monkeys. “Right here, Sebby!” He chuckles.
I look at him, unimpressed. “Well, that was disappointing,” I smirk.
He deflates slightly; as if that wasn’t the effect he was going for. “What do you mean?” He asks a little nervously.
“Well, compared to your other entrances, this one wasn’t very impressive,” I sigh. “I mean, it wasn’t BORING, but now it feels a little… tame, you know?”
He apparently thinks on this quite seriously before waving the issue off. “Ah well, what do you know about showmanship?” He says dismissively. “I’ve had millennia to develop my humor! I was THERE when humor was invented!”
“Which would explain why your jokes are as stale as sex with a thirty year-old piece of Wonderbread,” I retort.
Discord opens his mouth to say something, but stops suddenly before giving me a defeated smile. “You are young and quick of tongue,” he conceded, growing a long white fu-manchu and stroking it sagely. “You have much potential…”
“Thank you, Mr. Miyagi,” I scoff. “Anyways, I have a few questions for you!”
The long flowing beard shrinks back to its normal size on the face of the chaos god. A table pops up between us, and manacles suddenly clamp themselves onto his wrists. “I ain’t tellin’ you squat, copper!” He declares, the skin around his eye turning dark. “You can’t handle the truth!”
I sigh and shake my head. “You try too hard, man,” I chuckle sadly.
He gives me a pout and goes back to his original form. “Alright, what do you want, wiseass?” he growls.
“First off, what happened with the girls?” I ask. “I mean, they acted like they’d never seen me before!”
He groans and clenches the bridge of his nose. “How else was it supposed to work?” He asks sarcastically. “The whole idea is that you’d have to be able to function without your friendship. I can’t exactly say that you managed to succeed,” he added smugly, “but you managed to reach the goal of the trail anyways.”
“Wait, there’ve been GOALS this whole time?! Since when?!”
Discord gives an even deeper sigh of annoyance. “Well, first you had to defeat the aliens, then the werewolf-thing, then the zombies, and finally the mob boss. These aren’t exactly abstract concepts, you know!”
“Ok, the other guys I get, but I didn’t take out Joe at all!” I protest. “Twilight was the one who shot him!”
“But you CAUSED his death. He wouldn’t have died had Twilight not been so protective of you, which was caused by your general treatment of her overall. Sure, chance took over sometimes, but hey, this IS your mind, after all.”
The last bit of his explanation strikes me odd. “What do you mean, ‘It’s MY mind’?” I ask slowly. “You’ve been in control this whole time, haven’t you?”
Discord gives me a condescending smile. “Now what would being the god of CHAOS have to do with controlling anything?” He snickered.
Before I could react to this, I suddenly hear a loud sucking sound from above. I’m sucked up into a hole in the ceiling just big enough to fit me, causing me to be stuck between two red and white walls. I bang against them, more out of annoyance than fear, only to find out that they were too bendy to shatter. My eyes widen when the small room seems to tilt on its side, pointing my head towards the great nothingness of white. Oh dear God, this can’t be what I think it is…
My worst fears are confirmed when I fear Discord’s voice ring out from outside: “HOW’S IT LIKE TO BE THE WORLD’S FIRST HUMAN SPITBALL?!” I barely have enough time to scream before I’m blown out of the giant straw and straight into the whiteness…

------

I wake up slowly to the sound of tinny violin strings, almost as if they were being played through a long metal tube. I open my eyes to find myself in a fairly elegant room, filled with fine wooden furniture and ornate rugs. Now THIS is more like it, I grin, stretching comfortably in bed. I turn to find the source of the music: A strange mixture of a clock and an old-fashioned record player. I push a small button on the record player, causing the turntable to stop with a jarring scratch.
Upon getting up from my bed, a loud whoosh goes straight past my ear. I look behind me to find that my bed had automatically folded into the wall, leaving an empty space where it once stood. I peer behind the screen covering the entrance to the wall to find thousands of tiny gears, all clicking in a perfect metal rhythm. Clue number one: Steam-punky room, I think excitedly to myself. Deciding to inspect the rest of my living quarters, I find a panel on the wall with several brass buttons, all labeled in fancy script. Curious, I push the first one that comes to my attention, which was labeled “Dresser”.
With several whirls and clicks, a large mirror and a set of brass shelves pop out of the wall, much to my excitement. I peer into the mirror to see that I had apparently grown the most majestic handlebar mustache I’d ever seen. “Clue number two: Epic facial hair,” I grin into the mirror. Looking back at the panel, I press the “Wardrobe” button, causing a large wooden closet to whirr out of the wall. I open to find a large assortment of top hats, suits, and even a rack of wooden canes. Well, I think the evidence speaks for itself: This is gonna be frickin’ AWESOME! With a cackle of delight, I throw off my silk nightclothes and begin to try on an assortment of the clothes.
After finally deciding on a green silk cravat to accompany my suit and top hat, I grab the nearest cane and step promptly out into the sunny streets, which were bustling with people straight out of the Wild West. Leather-clad cowboys skulked in the shadows of the saloons and gambling houses, while prim and proper ladies rode in elegant coaches. I’m about to begin my exploration of the town when a short and portly man with a walrus mustache waddles up to me, looking absolutely flustered. “Professor Espinosa!” He wheezed, mopping his large doughy face with a white handkerchief. “Where have you been?! I’ve been trying to reach you all day!”
“Um… My telegraph’s broken?” I say sheepishly, grasping blindly for an excuse.
It apparently didn’t work, because walrus-guy just gets even baffled. “Now is not the time for jokes, professor!” He says indignantly, wiping more sweat off with his now soaking handkerchief. “I’ve sent you several written messages through the automatic tubing system!”
“Um, that’s broken too. Pretty much everything’s broken,” I lie.
The old man peers at me through misty grey eyes. “Are you alright, professor?” he asked, obviously concerned. “You seem rather off-color today!”
“It’s just been a rough morning,” I say quickly. “Now, what did you need to talk to me about?”
“Well, I came to accompany you to the capital, of course!” The man says, obviously flabbergasted by my apparent memory loss. “You’ve been summoned by the President of the United States himself! Quite frankly, my friend, your lack of recollection is quite alarming! Are you sure you are well enough to take this trip?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, waving off his concern. “When do we start heading over?”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Professor!” The man groans in anguish. “We’re going to be late for our airship flight! Come, I’ll hail a carriage and we’ll might be able to reach the liftoff site in time!”
Before I can react, the man roughly grabs my wrist, and drags me to the street corner. “Taxi!” he bellows, and a small horse-drawn cab pulls over. We rush inside the wood-varnished carriage and sit down. “Terminus Aeroport,” my companion orders to the cabbie, and we’re off in a flash.
When we arrive at our destination, I step outside the carriage to find a marvelous sight: Hundreds of shiny brass blimps lifted off and landed onto the airstrip at all times, nearly blocking out the sky with their frames. I didn’t have enough time to admire the beautiful view, however, as my increasingly annoyed companion was now practically carrying me to the airport (or aeroport, or whatever). “Come now, professor, there’s no time to dawdle!” He huffs, somehow still keeping a fairly good pace. “We’ll be lucky if we make it to the cargo hold at this rate!”
This snaps me out of my stupor as I begin to jog alongside him. “What exactly did the President want?” I ask curiously.
“No idea! He simply said the matter was urgent!” My companion explains as he waddles up to a large wooden desk, where a pretty young red-headed woman stood watch. “Two first-class tickets for Espinosa and Bluffton, headed to Washington DC, if you please!” He says smartly as he forks over a couple of bills.
The lady types something into a shiny brass typewriter before ripping off two ticket stubs. “The next flight’s in ten minutes,” she advises us. “If you hurry, you might just make it!”
Bluffton takes this deeply to heart as he rips me from where I was standing, managing once again to carry me as a quarterback might carry a football. “We’re nearly there, nearly there!” He chants to himself while I helplessly dangle from under his arms.
Finally, after several mishaps (one where I had been accidently stuffed under a woman’s dress), we finally make it to our airship terminal. “Are we on time?” Bluffton asks the attendant worriedly, dumping me unceremoniously onto the ground.
The attendant, a tall young man in his early twenties, pulls a golden pocket watch out of his coat pocket. “Just barely,” he grins. “Do you have your tickets?”
Bluffton sighs in relief as he fishes the two tickets out of his breast pocket. “Thank heavens; I was sure we’d miss the flight!”
“No, really?” I ask sarcastically as I pick myself up from the ground. “You hid it so well!”
Bluffton gave a huff as he mopped his face with his handkerchief. “Well, you WERE taking a long time, Professor,” he chided.
The attendant, obviously amused by our discourse, pulls out a little brass hole puncher and marks our tickets. “The first class cabin is all the way at the front,” he explains as he hands them back to us. “Your seats will be on the fifth row on the right. Enjoy your flight!”
We nod and make our way into the cabin of the airship. The first part, obviously the economy class, was packed to the brim with people, and was barely decorated. The second section was a little bit nicer, with more windows and the seats less packed together. However, it’s when we get to the first class seats that I gasp in amazement: The seats were made of fine leather, and there are plush carpets on the floor. Each passenger (there’s about seven or so) had his own little section of the chamber to himself, equipped with a small but comfortable bed, a polished wooden nightstand, and a large window to view the flight. Why the hell couldn’t it be like this in the real world?! I think to myself upon seeing the luxury of the airship.
Bluffton, however, seems unimpressed with the ship’s accommodations. “It seems that the dollar buys us less and less every day,” he huffs as he inspects the quality of the rugs. “Why, I think that this isn’t even made in Persia!” With a long-suffering sigh, he plops down onto his bed. “This morning’s escapades have left me exhausted,” he yawned. “Do tell me when the lunch cart comes around, will you?”
I nod. “Anything else?” I ask.
Bluffton thinks a bit, stroking the sides of his walrus moustache. “See if they have the silk pajamas they have with every flight. I wouldn’t want to wrinkle my suit before our big meeting this afternoon!”
I nod and step out of the small room, in search for a stewardess. As I walk down the halls of the cabin, I come across a good-looking woman reading in her room, obviously really into her book. She’s good-looking, around her early twenties, and wearing a wide-brimmed hat and a simple lavender dress. Something about her was familiar to me, but I just can’t figure out what. I resolve to get her attention by knocking on the door. “Uh, hi, I was wondering if you knew where a stewardess might be.”
“One just passed through,” she replied, not even looking up. “If you turn on the hallway, you might be able to catch up with her.
Disappointed by her response, I edge a little farther into the room. “Have I seen you before?” I ask.
She looks up at me, revealing purple eyes. “No, I don’t think so,” she says, scrutinizing me. ‘I think you’re mistaken,”
I peer at her face closely, trying to remember who she was. “Are you sure? Because it’s driving me crazy right now, and I’ve just got to know who you are!”
The girl chuckles and extends her gloved hand. “My name’s Tina Sparks, if you must know,” she smiles. “And you?”
Twilight! I should have known! “Professor Sebastian Espinosa,” I grin smoothly as I brush my lips to her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Twilight (or Tina) giggles slightly before gently pulling her hand away from me. “What are you a professor of?” She asks curiously.
I pause a little before coming up with my best guess. “I suppose you could call me a professor of law,” I explain. “What do you do?”
“Well, I’d like to think of myself as a tinkerer,” she smiles. “I was actually just reading on the subject.”
I glance down at her book, only to find that it was about the thickness of a cinder block. “Good lord, I’m intimidated by that thing, and I’m a lawyer!”
Tina giggles and blushes. “Oh, it’s nothing but a light read,” she says modestly. “I was reading on the possibility for highly maneuverable aircraft.”
“So… Stuff that’s smaller and easier to steer than this?” I ask.
She nods. “It’s a new idea, but I think I’ll be able to manage it. I’ve already made smaller models in my lab.”
“Really? Could I see one?”
She smiles and pulls a small toy out of her purse. It was a shiny brass dragonfly, and it glittered brightly in her palm. She winds the toy up, pulls out the key, and lets it into the air. Amazingly, the little machine maneuvers expertly into the air, doing graceful twirls and flips with ease.
I watch it zoom in the air with fascination. “That’s incredible!” I say, awestruck. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it!”
Tina blushes modestly at my complement. “Of course, making a small version is always easier than one that can actually carry humans, but given the right materials, I think it could be possible!” She holds out her hand again and the toy lands smoothly in her palm before she tucks it away in her bag.
“So are you going to DC to get a patent on it or something?” I ask.
“Oh no, I’ve got other business to attend to there,” she says, suddenly uncomfortable. “Actually, I have to get ready for it now. We’ll have to talk some other time.”
I grin and get up. “Well, I suppose I’ll see you around, then!” I chuckle as I step outside of the room.
She gives me a shy smile. “Perhaps,” she says playfully before closing the door.
I chuckle to myself as I stride through the hall. Oh, trust me Twi, we’ll DEFINITELY be seeing each other soon.

-------

When I finally return to my room with the silk pajamas, I find Bluffton snoring loudly, a bit of drool collecting at the corner of his mouth. I chuckle and set the pajamas on the table next to his bed, then move towards my own to sit down and think. What could the president want from me? Maybe I’m going to be signing a new law or something… But that doesn’t sound like something Discord would do… Anyways, where would the other girls come in?
I glance up to the wall to find a particularly odd portrait hanging above my bed: It had a man with a scraggly white beard wearing a Viking helmet with mismatched horns and a flea-bitten fur coat. He was riding a polar bear into the desert with a stupidly heroic pose, and he was followed closely by a horde of raccoons on lions. Rolling my eyes, I stand up to face the portrait. “Now you’re just getting obvious, Discord,” I sigh.
“Whatever do you mean?” A voice behind asks smoothly. I jump in surprise to find that Discord was sitting in a chair behind me, nonchalantly sipping on some pink lemonade.
I glare at the demigod. “You set me up, you son of a bitch!” I growl.
“Ah, but it was funny, right?” He grins.
I sigh in defeat. “Yeah, it was pretty funny,” I admit.
“Haha! Yes! Score one for the Chaos Lord!” He cackles, pumping his fist up and down. A loud cheer rings through the room, and some guy in a cheap falcon suit begins to dance around the room.
“Shh! In case you haven’t noticed, there’s someone else in the room!” I hiss.
Discord sighs and snaps his fingers, causing the cheers to stop. The mascot falcon shakes his head theatrically before quietly exploding. “You used to be fun, you know that?” Discord says, obviously annoyed.
“That was before I had all this shit happen to me,” I smirk. “Now what do you want?”
“Well, first off, you’ve spent WAAAAY to much time on this bucket of bolts, so I’m here to speed things up!” He pulls himself up and claps his hand. “TO THE WHITE HOUSE!” He declares.

At the White House…

I turn around to see that the interior of the airship had disappeared. In its place was a hallway filled with portraits of former presidents, large busts of former presidents, and a large portrait of the current president, a tough-looking guy with a kick-ass beard. “What the hell!” I cry out in surprise. “Did you just-“
“Transcend the limits of time itself? Yup, but only because the weirdo at the computer says to,” Discord sighs. He looks up at the ceiling and yells “YOU CAN STOP FISHING FOR LAUGHS WITH REFRENCES, PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO GET SICK OF IT!”
I look up at the ceiling, only to find that nothing was there. “You DO realize that you’re yelling at a ceiling, right?” I ask.
“Oh trust me, they heard me,” Discord grumbled under his breath. “But I digress. Anyways, just do your thing, Seb, while the going’s good!” With a snap of his fingers, he disappears, leaving me in the empty hall.
I turn around in confusion, trying to find out where I was. Luckily, Bluffton soon comes puffing out of the hallway, sweating like mad. “Good heavens, Professor!” He said indignantly. “Am I going to have to chase you around like a child all day?” He promptly grabs me from the wrist and drags me through the hall, never giving me a chance to explain myself. “Honestly, sometimes I feel like your babysitter, not your colleague,” he grumbles as we speed on through.
Finally, we get to the Oval Office, where the same man from the portrait and a bewildered looking Tina. “Sorry it took so long, Mr. President,” Bluffton said apologetically. “He keeps slipping away at most inconvenient times!”
“That’s alright, my friend,” the President chuckles. He steps forward and extends his hand. “I am President Ulysses S. Grant, and from I’ve heard, you’ve already met Miss Sparks. Miss Sparks is the leader of our technological division of the Secret Service.”
I look at Tina in amazement. “You didn’t mention that on the airship!”
She bites her lip nervously. “It’s classified information!” She says defensively. “I can’t just talk about it with anyone!”
The President chuckles. “Well, you two will be working together on this one, so I’m sure you’ll be able to get to know each other much better.”
“Well, what exactly is it that we have to do, Mr. President?” I ask.
Just as he’s about to answer, the door to the Oval Office bursts open, revealing a blond woman in a leather duster and Stetson standing coolly at the entrance. “You wanted to see me, Grant?” She asked bluntly.
A small, wimpy-looking man scurries behind her, looking absolutely appalled. “I am SO sorry, Mr. President, she just came bursting in and-“
“It’s quite alright, Worthing,” President Ulysses grins. “I was about to tell them about the mission anyways, so it’s good to have them all here. Tina, Sebastian, this is Jacklyn Smith. She’s going to be your guide on your mission to the west!”
> Chapter the Fifteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Fifteenth, or “In Which We Go West”

Bluffton looks at the President as if he had gone mad. “Go west? But sir, Professor Espinosa and I are simply lawyers! What would you have us do in such a dangerous place?”
“See, that’s part of the reason I’m sending you two,” President Grant explains, making his way to his desk. He opens a drawer and pulls out a map of North America, where a small section of what looked like Nevada was circled. “Right now, there’s a small settlement known as Area 51 in the west, and I want you two to establish American law in the town. Now, we’ve populated the settlement with government workers and agents, so they’re orderly enough, but what I worry for are the outsiders.”
“So you called me up to shoot some redskins?” Applejack (or Jacklyn) scoffs. “Ah didn’t come here to waste my time, Grant.”
“No, we have a peaceful relationship with the Shoshone tribe in the area. In fact, they’ve been amiable hosts to our men! No, the person I’m worried about is someone you might recognize, Miss Smith.” President Grant pulls a small picture from his breast pocket and lays it on the table. It was a black and white photo of an ugly-looking soldier, with battle scars stretched over his droopy hound-dog face. Black teeth peek out from under a filthy looking beard, but his single most distinguishing feature was the fact that his eye had been replaced with a crudely constructed telescope.
Jacklyn scowled deeply at the picture. “Guts n’ Glory McCorey. What the hell does he have to do in all of this?!” The blonde demands.
“As you know, Mr. McCorey here is known as an ex-Confederate sergeant,” Grant goes on. “We believe that he might lead a mob of ex-Confederates to attack our settlement. That’s where Miss Sparks comes in,” the President adds.
“What do you mean, Mr. President?” Tina asks nervously.
“I’ve been playing close attention to your work, Miss Sparks,” Grant smiles, a fatherly twinkle in his eye. “You’ve proven yourself to be quite adaptable when it comes to developing technology and weapons. If your little group is to survive this trip, you’ll need heavy artillery, and we’ve got the best.” He pulls out something else from his drawer: A small train with several turrets and weapons attached. “Meet the Spirit of the Sky, a marvel of today’s modern technology!” The President beams. “It’s got state of the art weapons systems, a speed of nearly a hundred miles an hour, and an engine that only takes up a fraction of the coal of a regular steam engine!”
Jacklyn smirks and picks up the model. “Seems pretty small,” she quipped.
Tina snatches the model from the blonde and clutches it protectively to her chest. “This is the most advanced weapons carrier in the world! There’s nothing to laugh about!” She says indignantly. She turns to the president, clearly thankful for the opportunity he presented her. “I am so honored that you’ve given me the opportunity to see the Spirit, sir,” she says gratefully. “I know that it’s normally only reserved for the most important missions.”
“I’m glad you’re saying that, Miss Sparks, because you’ll be the one controlling its weapons system,” Grant grinned.
This was enough to send the girl into shock, shown by her jaw dropping and her eyes widening to the size of saucers. She lets out a series of unintelligible squeaks of excitement before closing her mouth and attempting to calm down.
“Careful, Grant,” Jacklyn smirks, obviously derisive at Tina’s ecstasy. “Ah think if you let her keep holding that toy of yours, she’ll shove it straight up her-“
“Miss Smith!” Bluffton exclaims indignantly. “Such language is impermissible for a young lady such as yourself!”
The cowgirl bursts out laughing. “Buddy, if you ain’t noticed, Ah ain’t no lady!”
“Obviously,” my companion sniffs in disdain. “Mr. President, is she absolutely necessary to this mission? Quite frankly, I don’t see the point in having such an uncouth woman in my presence!”
President Grant chuckles. “Regretfully, Mr. Bluffton, Miss Smith here’s the only reason I’m considering letting civilians like you and Professor Espinosa even go to Area 51. You see, for all her faults, Jacklyn’s the best gun in these United States. She’ll be the one keeping you safe through this trip.”
Bluffton scoffs. “No man needs the protection of a woman,” he says pompously.
Jacklyn bends over to stare straight into Bluffton’s eyes. “You ever killed a man, tubby?” She hissed in his ear.
Bluffton’s face begins to go pale. “N-n-no ma’am,” he stutters fearfully.
The blonde grins at the quivering man. “Then you best shut your trap, unless you’d like me to show you my expertise in the matter. Understood?”
Bluffton nods furiously, causing his neck fat to jiggle like gelatin. “Yes ma’am,” he squeaks.
The room stays awkwardly silent before the President speaks up. “Well, you’ve been quiet, Professor,” he says loudly in an obvious attempt at shattering the discomfort. “What are your thoughts on the matter?”
“Hmm? Oh, I was just thinking this whole situation over,” I explain. “I mean, this whole mission seems like a job for a US marshal, or at least a sheriff! Why us?”
“Because these aren’t just any citizens in this settlement! These are scientists, researchers, and geniuses of our time! The last thing they’d want is some gruff law man upholding justice with the barrel of a gun!” Grant chuckles. “They want some thinking men on their settlement, and you and Mr. Bluffton are men that they’d be willing to cooperate with!”
I think this over for a minute before nodding. “That seems to make sense. Alright, I’m in!”
“As am I,” Tina says eagerly. “I’d love to meet some of the scientists on the settlement!”
“Well, if they’re going to be civilized people, I’m sure I’d be able to work with them,” Bluffton agrees, glaring at Jacklyn.
The cowgirl doesn’t seem quite as enthusiastic about the idea as we do. “Me, babysitting a town of uptight snobs across the country? No thanks, Grant,” she scoffs, turning towards the door.
However, President doesn’t seem very eager to let her go. “Jacklyn, these people are the most brilliant thinkers in the country!” He called to her. “Imagine what McCorey would do if he got a hold of them!”
This causes her to stop from walking out of the room. With a sigh, she turns back to the group, obviously reluctant to join the mission. “When do we leave?” She groans.

Three days later…

As we wait at the station for the train to show up, I look around for something to do, as we’d been waiting for about thirty minutes. Deciding to strike up a conversation, I look to my left, where Jacklyn was sitting with her arms crossed in frustration. “So… You’re a mercenary of some sort?” I ask awkwardly.
“Ah prefer the term ‘hired gun’,” she mutters. “Sounds more honorable that way.”
“I see… So you do this sort of thing often?”
“Escort missions? Nah, Ah normally keep away from civvies like y’all.”
“So what makes this any different from a regular escort mission?”
The cowgirl sighs and gives me a tired look. “Ah’ve got unfinished business with McCorey,” she says simply. “Now, if you’re done with the interrogation, Ah’d like to stay quiet fer a bit.”
I get the message and get up from the bench, deciding to go to the opposite side of the waiting parlor to talk to Tina. Predictably, she’s got her nose deep into a massive book, this one titled Practical Engineering: A History. “Hey there, Miss Sparks,” I chuckle. “Starting on your train reading already?”
The tinker’s head pops up suddenly from her tome, looking a bit flushed. “Oh, h-h-hi Professor!” she squeaks nervously. “I’m sorry, what did you ask me?”
Something about her response didn’t sit right with me. “Are you alright? You seem a little… Terrified.”
“Oh, everything’s fine!” she laughs skittishly, slamming her book shut. “I was just, you know, reading my book!”
I glance at the book and notice a small page sticking out of the book, one that looked like it didn’t belong there. Curious, I snatch the page out of the book to find that it’s apparently some sort of record, all about me. “Are you trying to read up on me?” I ask more confused than upset.
She blushes deeply and nodded. “I just wanted to know a little more about everyone!” she says defensively as she hides behind her enormous book. “I mean, I have a right to know who I’m traveling with!”
I look at my record and then back to her. “You know, you could have asked,” I say with an exasperated smile.
Her eyes widen as if this was the first time the idea occurred to her. “Oh yeah…”
I chuckle as I back down at my record. Apparently, I can speak three languages. Neat! “Well, I guess I’ll leave you to… Research me, I suppose.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that!” she says a little too loudly. Pressing her fingers to her lips in embarrassment, she lowers her tone considerably. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something…”
I raise my eyebrow in curiosity. “Oh really now?”
Tina nods and beckons for me to come closer. “You see, I’ve been researching everyone, and I found out something really sad about Miss Smith,” she whispered secretively. “You remember that man, Guts ‘n Glory McCorey? Well, apparently he did some pretty horrible things to her family during the civil war!”
My eyes widen in realization. “So this is a kill mission,” I say slowly. “Well, that puts a damper on things…”
She nods solemnly. “The only thing we can do is hope that she and McCorey never meet…” She smiles sheepishly at me. “Sorry if I ruined the mood of adventure and all that…”
I give her a wry grin. “I had a feeling that you’d be a bit of a killjoy!”
“I am NOT a killjoy!” she says defensively. “I’ll have you know that I’m a very fun person!”
“Really? What’s the book you’re reading about?”
“It’s about the use of engineering from the Stone Age to-“
“Yeah, you managed to bore me in the first ten words,” I interrupt with a grin. “Don’t you ever do anything for pure recreation?”
Tina opens her mouth before closing it again, apparently having nothing to say. “Oh, that’s just sad!” I laugh teasingly. “As soon as this is over, you and I have GOT to do something together!”
A sly grin suddenly slides onto the tinker’s face. “Like what?” she crooned.
This catches me WAY off guard, so I stay silent for a minute before replying with a grin. “Why not a dance?” I ask suavely.
She giggles at this. “You’re very old-fashioned, aren’t you?” she asks.
“I’d like to think so,” I grin. We begin to get closer and closer to each other, our faces barely centimeters apart-
“Professor!” A voice calls out. “Professor Sebastian Espinosa!”
I inwardly curse the caller before turning back to Tina, whose face was positively burning. “Be right back,” I grin sheepishly before running over to meet the caller.
The person was the man that we had seen at the White House, the thin wimpy man who had complained about Jacklyn. Just as I’m about to tell him to piss off, I realize how nervous and frightened he looked. “What is it?” I ask, concerned.
“It’s about your partner, Mr. Bluffton,” he says hoarsely. “He’s dead.”

-----

The sight is truly a gruesome one: Bluffton’s severed head on a plate, a look of utmost fear on his face. I feel a cold aching sensation in my stomach, and the world begins to feel unbalanced. Within second, I was vomiting on the floor, nauseated by the horrible spectacle.
President Grant watched with mild concern as I threw up, obviously used to the occurrence. “Got it all out?” He asked off-handedly.
I wipe my mouth with a handkerchief I stored in my breast pocket. “I’m good,” I groan, pulling myself up.”
“Good. Now, we know for a fact that this is the work of McCorey’s men, and that they definitely were going for a kill, not a kidnapping,” Grant explains. “What I can’t figure out is how on Earth they chopped off his head so cleanly!”
Before I could respond, Tina walks in with a large brass projector-looking thingy and rolls it to the front of the room. She leaves it there and sits down next to me, apparently unsure whether or not to comfort me.
“Thank you, Miss Sparks,” the President says absentmindedly, not noticing what was going on between me and the tinker. “Now, as I was saying, we have no idea how he was decapitated, but this machine might help us figure out how.” Rolling up his sleeves, he takes what looks like an oversized scalpel and begins to slice into the back of Bluffton’s head.
This was way too much for me to handle, and I bend over and vomit once again. Grant, too absorbed in his work to notice, grins in triumph upon seeing that he had completely sliced through the back of the head, revealing the brain tissue inside. “Now, time for a little anatomy lesson: The optic nerves are what connect your eyes to your visual cortex, allowing you to see. It’s believed that the last thing that you see before dying is burned onto your eyes, holding the image perfectly.” He carefully carries the head over to the projector thing, connects two wires to the back of the head, and-
“Sorry Ah’m late, Ah had some business to take care of- WHAT IN TARNATION?!” Jacklyn yelped upon seeing my dead partner’s head hooked up to a machine.
Grant chuckled at her surprised. “Late as usual, I see,” he teased.
Jacklyn’s eyes remain wide open in surprise. “That is a man’s head,” she says slowly.
“Yes it is,” the President said patiently. “As I was explaining earlier, we found Mr. Bluffton’s head on the White House doorstep. We think hooking it up to the machine might reveal how the killers got him.”
Applejack keeps staring at the gruesome sight. “That. Is a man’s. HEAD.”
Grant sighs in annoyance and flips on the projector. At first, the only thing that’s seen is a blurry blob of color, but the picture begins to gradually clear up.
“Grant, with all due respect, Ah think you ain’t understandin’ what Ah’m saying,” Jacklyn says indignantly, ignoring the rapidly clearer picture on the projector screen. “THAT... IS. A MAN’S... HE- Wait a cotton-pickin’ minute…” Seeing the image for the first time, she walks up to it, squinting a little at the figure it shows. “That’s McCorey!”
Indeed, the same man from earlier was shown clearly against the light of a fire, holding what appeared to be a large circular blade. You could just barely make out the emblem of a black scorpion printed on the blade, and the tips were stained with blood.
“I know that symbol,” Grant says slowly, a look of genuine horror on his face. “Ladies and gent, you’ll have to postpone your trip for the time being. Go to the hotel and get some rest while my agents take care of this.”
We all stand there for a while, half-expecting him to be joking. After a few minutes of silence, however, I sigh in disappointment and walk out of the room.

-------

Man, that was bullshit… We didn’t even get to do anything yet! I pace the floor of the rather expensive hotel room the President had so graciously provided me, trying to think my way through the situation. So are things over, just like that?! I mean, come on! I didn’t even get to try anything cool in the steampunk train!
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. “Message for Sebastian Espinosa?” A young voice called from the outside the room.
Curious, I make my way there and open the door to find a boy (about twelve or younger) holding a small envelope. “This came in through the automatic tubing system,” he explained, handing it to me.
I take the envelope and thank the boy, trying to close the door. However, the messenger sticks his foot in the room, preventing said door from closing. “You wouldn’t leave a messenger boy out here without a tip, would you?!” the boy says in mock indignation.
Muttering, I pull out a dollar bill and slap it in the boy’s hand. Upon seeing the bill, the kid gives a holler of victory and runs through the hallway like a maniac. Probably over-tipped him, didn’t I? Shrugging, I flip over the envelope to find the same scorpion symbol that was on the circular blade from Bluffton’s eyes. Well, hello there you, I think in surprise as I open the envelope. Inside, there was an envelope that reads as follows:
‘You are cordially invited to Heartless Manor, where a masquerade ball will be had in honor of Ambrose Arthur Heartless III. Food, drink, and entertainment will be provided.’
Costume party, eh? I think to myself as I read over the card again. Well, at least that might turn out to be interesting…