First published
The Angry Video Game Nerd was not ready to play a shitty game as usual. He found a game that, while he never played it before, went ahead and decided to review it anyway. Little did he know, that this review was going to be much different than most, and the game is aware of the Nerd's presence.
James Rolfe stepped into the game room wearing his usual white shirt with the pocket full of pens. Suddenly, he entered 'angry' mode and began babbling some swear words to himself. He walked in front of the camera, sat down on the couch, and held up an NES game cartridge while simultaneously yelling "ASSSSSSSS!"
The cartridge had a logo that read, "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic".
"You know, I don't recall seeing this game in my collection before. It's probably because I don't notice the shittiest of games... well, actually, since I did see and review Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, so that theory is bullshit," said the Angry Video Game Nerd. He made a disgusted face as a picture of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde game floated next to him, and punched it away.
"Well, since I have nothing else to say, let's pop this fucker in and prepare for torture."
He put the cartridge into his NinToaster, turned it on, and his jaw dropped when he heard a song being to play. "The fuck is this shit?! It's playing a horrible song that sounds like the original My Little Pony theme song, except worse! I'd rather shove a donkey's testicles in my ears than listen to this!" he yelled.
"Anyway, when the game starts up, you see a title screen that's extremely boring. Just a blue background with some clouds. The only interesting part of it is that heart in the logo. You know how hearts represent love? Well I know I sure as hell won't be loving this game!"
"There's only 1 option, and that's to start game. Simple enough, I guess. But after you press start, there's a stage select screen that looks fucking identical to the Mega Man 1 version! RIPOFFS LIKE THIS ARE SHITLOADS OF COCKGOBBLING FUCK! Basically you choose from six ponies, each with stupid ass names. Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy? The hell? If I made this game, I'd name them Turkeytits, RapeRooster, and Fuckershit. Yeah."
AVGN chose Pinkie Pie's stage, and she jumped down and did a pose, holding a cupcake.
"Yeah, hold out your cupcake so I can choke you with it!" he exclaimed angrily.
The stage appeared in front of him. AVGN's jaw dropped once more, this time making him flip off the TV screen. Pinkie's 8-bit face took up the entire screen.
"WHY IS THE PONY BLOCKING THE GAME?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MOVE THROUGH THE LEVEL?! Well, simple answer, you don't. You have to mash the select button six times and then press A. It fires an explosive cupcake that knocks her out, and you gain points from defeating her sorry ass, or in this case, flank. Not like I'm fucking surprised the bosses seem to be easy as hell in a game like this anyway."
The game went back to the stage select, and this time he chose Rarity. She jumped down and did a pose, levitating a dress in front of her with magic. Meanwhile, the Nerd pulled out a beer and drank it as he watched.
"Okay, so this level is an actual level this time. But why the fuck are the enemies all a bunch of dildos?! Alright alright, they're actually needles, and I'm assuming 'Rarity' uses them for making clothes or some shit. Needles, though, fucking deadly enemies I tell you. Lucky I'm not playing as Mega Man in this situation, he'd be fucked."
AVGN realized he hadn't spoken about who you play as yet.
"Fuck, all this diarrhea inducing gaming garbage made me forget to explain your character. You play as some ugly pink guy holding a water gun. WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?! They should have made him be like Rambo and carry around a huge twelve-gauge and kill everything in sight. But no, we have this weak shitfucker. For whatever reason, the water gun can kill every fucking thing you see instantly. Doesn't make any fuckin' sense to me, but niether does a pink ass dildo walking across the screen fighting off sewing materials."
As he progressed through the stage he explained how uncreative Hasbro were with copying some Zelda enemies and called them lazy horsehumpers. Finally, he reached the boss room.
"So, after a whole level of boring, ballsucking bullshit we finally get to fight the boss. Basically when you first enter, Rarity appears with her pussy magic and -"
"Hey, darling Nerd, you talk a lot of inpolite trash! I will fight you like a true lady, and you should do the same, since you haven't done anything but say garbage about my friends and I!" Rarity confidently said, with an 8-bit sound.
"THE FUCK?! THE GAME JUST TALKED TO ME!!!! Yeah, that's some creepy as fuck gimmick with this game. The bosses actually talk to you. Well, since it can understand me, how about this?!" AVGN explained.
He turned to the screen and starting shooting the water gun at her hair.
"Yeah, take that you dumb bitch! Horses make shitty bosses and you are no exception!"
Rarity cried as her hair was ruined and disappeared in a flash of light. AVGN went back to explaining.
"She's such a fucking pushover. If she gets that upset over water in her hair, I wonder how she'd like it if a stallion came over to her and blew his load all over her! Yeah, that'd teach her REAL well. So that's two out of six stages finished. You better be ready to go to Hasbro's headquarters and kill the motherfuckers, because after I'm done with this, you're going to be in my army of gaming justice. We'll stop Hasbro from making any more SHITTY GAMES!!!"
He turned back to the TV and selected Fluttershy. She flew down and did a pose in which she held a rabbit and cuddled it.
"Yeah, cuddle that bunny while you can Fuckershit, I'm gonna shove it up your equine asshole."
The Nerd was not prepared for what happened next.
"What was that, you lazy biped bitch?" Fluttershy replied back, staring at him.
The Nerd was unable to move, absorbed in utter shock. The controller fell to the floor as Fluttershy's stare continued. Eventually, footsteps were heard walking in the game room. The footsteps belonged to Kyle Justin, James's songwriter and friend.
"The fuck is wrong with you, Nerd?" He asked. No response, as AVGN continued staring at the TV in shock. Fluttershy seemed aware that he entered the room and stopped staring. The level then loaded up on the screen.
"The fuck are you doing here? I'm trying to review a shitty game!" Nerd yelled.
"I got a call from some mysterious source claiming that you were in trouble, so I came to see what the fuck was up." Kyle replied.
"Well then get the fuck over here and experience this torture with me!!"
Kyle walked over to the couch and sat down next to the Nerd, with a puzzled look on his face. "Where the fuck is your character?!"
"I DON'T KNOW!! IS THE GAME GLITCHING OR SOME SHIT?!"
A message appeared on the screen in front of them. It read, 'Press UP, DOWN, A, A, B, LEFT, RIGHT, A, B, UP, A, DOWN, RIGHT, RIGHT, LEFT, B, UP, LEFT, A, RIGHT, B, LEFT, RIGHT, A, LEFT, UP, A, DOWN, A, RIGHT, LEFT, B, START to play this stage'.
"THE FUCK?! THAT LONG ASS CODE FROM IKARI WARRIORS IS IN THIS GAME TOO?? THIS IS A FUCKIN' RIPOFF OF OTHER NES GAMES! AND THIS TIME IT'S FROM A BAD GAME!" The Nerd screamed out, extremely pissed off.
"Just do this, I don't have all day." Kyle said.
AVGN entered the code. "So once you enter the code, the message disappears, but nothing happens other than a cursor appearing. For some reason, a portal-type object shows up in the corner of the screen around 15 seconds later. Let's see what happens when you move the cursor over to it. Maybe I'll bring out a badass Contra guy or somethin'."
A portal appeared behind Kyle and he quickly grabbed his guitar. "DAMMIT, WHAT'S HAPPENING?!!!!" The portal closed behind him and he appeared on the TV in 8-bit form. "Get me out of here, you damn Nintendo dork!!" he yelled from inside the game. The Nerd was good at hearing 8-bit voices so he understood.
"So apparently the portal absorbs some random guy from the real world and drops him into the game. Well this is fuckin' great, now I have to play a shitty game and rescue that asshole." He quickly pressed every button on the controller, and to his surprise he could control Kyle. He went through Fluttershy's forest-like stage with ease, as hitting everything with a guitar works pretty well against enemies. He finally reached the boss hallway and it was filled with animals. Kyle knocked them all out with his guitar and he could make out a crying sound from behind the door. Kyle entered and Fluttershy was enraged.
"HOW DARE YOU HURT THESE INNOCENT ANIMALS!!! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!!!" she yelled. The Nerd began explaining her strategy and how to defeat her.
"So here you reach Fluttershy, and she is drastically more difficult than the previous two bosses. She throws some flower pots at you, which are pretty fuckin' fast! Seriously, sometimes she throws two or more and you'll end up getting hit by at least one of them!! Luckily, they don't drain your health meter very much. Apparently, the only way to defeat her is to wait for her to use a stare attack, and fire a guitar wave to deflect it back onto her. What's stupid about that though, is that to use a guitar wave, you have to press SELECT AND LEFT AT THE SAME TIME!!! WHO THE FUCK WOULD THINK OF THAT?! I MEAN, THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE YOU ANOTHER MESSAGE BOX WITH A HINT!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!?"
The screen shows Kyle continuously firing sound waves to deflect the stare, and after about 3 and a half minutes, Fluttershy is defeated. Kyle appeared back on the couch as the screen faded to black.
"Man, that was some weird shit. It was like I lost all control over my mind. Next time something like that happens blow my fuckin' brains out," he said.
"Hey, you alright?" Nerd asked. "We got 3 more bosses to go, and a few castle stages."
"Yeah I'm fine. And it sounds like Mega Man."
"Yeah, this game is rips off just about every damn NES game ever made. If I ever find someone who works with Hasbro I'm gonna take a shit in a bag and shove it down their throat."
"You do that."
The Stage Select screen appeared once more, and this time they selected Rainbow Dash. She flew down and did a waving pose while flashing a smirk. "You're going down, geeks," she said.
"The hell? Did that pony just talk?!" asked Kyle.
"Yeah," Nerd answered. "This game is pretty fuckin' weird." The stage loaded and another explanation started.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibjNly0E_gk
"So Rainbow Dash's stage is in the clouds. The background music as you can already tell is stolen straight from Mario Brothers 3. In this level you fight off a bunch of flying ponies... er pegases? Pegasi? You know what I don't fuckin' care. All you do is move your guy over some clouds and shoot some water at them, stunning them temporarily. The only way to kill the little assholes is to jump under the 4th cloud and find a sleeping potion. Then all you do is throw it at the enemies. What's weird though is that the potion RESPAWNS! Where the fuck does the other ones come from?! Does he pull an infinite amount of them out from his hairy asshole?!"
Kyle looked at him with a questioning look. "How do you know his asshole is hairy?"
"The manual."
"Why would they tell you that in a game that's meant for kids or some shit?"
"I don't fuckin' know! Everything about this game is messed up!!!!"
Kyle shrugged and went back to watching the game. Onscreen, they were nearing the end and a boss gate appeared, saying, "Wonderbolts Only!"
"'Wonderdicks Only' more like," said the Nerd. He entered the door and fought off a few flying butterflies. "Yeah, show no mercy even for worthless butterflies. Now it's time to kick this blue bastard's ass." He entered the next door and was face to face with Rainbow Dash.
"So, you've made it!" She said. I'm impressed. But, you're not a Wonderbolt, so as punishment for disobeying the message I put outside, I'll just have to beat you up. Put 'em up Nerd! Don't disappoint me!"
A blue health meter appeared and the battle music began playing. AVGN went on to explain the fight.
"She's much, MUCH harder to fight rather than the other 4 before her. She is pretty goddamn fast and can knock your health down by a lot each time she hits you. You want to pull out your potions and throw a few at her as fast as possible. She'll fall asleep and you can go over and punch the little bitch until she wakes back up. Unless you can press the A button at fuckin' speed of light, she'll knock you back and cause damage. You just repeat this pattern about 5 times and the flying fuckbrain falls. I was tired of hearing her voice anyway, through the 8-bit speakers it sounds like she was constipated or something."
Kyle started to chuckle at that last statement. "Constipated ponies, man, what the fuck?" He continued laughing.
"Yeah, but you won't be laughing when we see the rest of this damn game. Prepare to take on Applejack. Guess we'll be shoving some cereal up her orange vagina," said the Nerd, laughing a bit himself.
Onscreen, Applejack shot a glare towards the Nerd that seemed to say, "You're gonna regret what you just said." He saw this and flipped her off. The stage started up right after that.
"Applejack's stage is... a farm? Seems a bit out of place here to me, but I don't even fuckin' care anymore. When you enter this level, you lose your water gun. Instead, it's replaced by a magic scepter. This could come in handy. In this level, you have to dodge trees that cause apples to fall on you. For whatever reason, if you get hit by one apple, you lose half health!!! That's ridiculous!!! Luckily though, there's a glitch where if you keep pressing B and using magic while walking under the trees, they go through you and you don't take damage. Obviously I abuse the shit out of it. The way you're supposed to avoid the apples however is to use a magic beam to freeze them in place for a short time, but the controls are so awkward that it's a miracle if you can even get close to it!!"
About halfway through the repetitive stage, a red pony appears in the middle of a clear field, and a red health bar appears.
"So at some point in the level you see a red horse show up and the manual says his name is "Big Macintosh". He's insanely easy, all you do is strand right behind his ass, and shoot a magic beam up his asshole or something. That's what it looks like anyway. Then you hit him against trees until he admits defeat and runs away. The fight is so fuckin' bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it FUCKS! Anyway, the rest of the stage is, guess what, MORE TREE DODGING?! Out of all the parts of this game so far, this is by far the most boring. But it's a damn farm. I can kinda see where they're coming from, but they could at least add more then just avoiding apples and shit," Nerd rants.
Finally, the screen shows a boss gate leading into the barn. "Finally. I'm gonna use this magic stick to turn this pony into a bag that I can take a shit in, and then when I have the bag full of shit, I'm gonna go find that red pony, and thrust it inside his nostrils!"
"Ah reckon you'd best quit yer yappin' and fight!" Applejack said.
"I'm done with this shit, I'm gonna blow my fuckin' brains out," Kyle said. Nerd jumped a little in surprise because he forgot he was there. Kyle shot himself with the NES gun and did a little dance before disappearing. AVGN went on to explain the fight.
"Applejack is fucking easy, but can do some damage if you're dumb enough to let her hit you. All you have to do is use magic to fling her across the room and she goes down fast as shit. I'd say she's as easy as the pink bitch. At this point in the game, it finally tells you that you get some 'Elements of Harmony' power in your wand, but it can only be used once. What's fucked up about it though, is that you NEED it for the final boss, or you can't beat the fuckin' game. When games do shit like that, you know you're dealing with a bad game. But I'll go into that later on." The stage select screen appeared once more. He took a sip of his Rolling Rock beer and prepared to select the final pony level, belonging to Twilight Sparkle. 
"This game is so fuckin' bad, I'D RATHER PUT DONKEY KONG UP MY ASS WHILE GETTING ATTACKED BY WILD HORSES!! IT'S FUCKIN' HORSE SHIT, AND I'M GETTING TIRED OF IT!!!!"
He chose Twilight's stage and her pose was standing there, with a glowing horn. "So what the fuck, is this pony getting horny or something?! Children's game my ASS!!!" Nerd yelled. Twilight looked at him angrily and prepared to charge a spell. The stage loaded up during the animation.
"So, this stage isn't so bad. You're in a library, and your only obstacles are books. Just jump over them, but sometimes during the level, a small purple and green dragon walks by and tries to attack you. To take him out, throw a fuckin' book at him. He's a goddamn wimp, almost as bad as the fuckin' Silver Surfer. Now that's something to be ashamed of. If this game allowed me to, I'd take the magic wand and blow up the little fucker to end his misery. That's one of the few times I feel sorry for such a pitiful game character. Sometimes, when he's not annoying the hell out of you, when you try to jump over a book, they make you fall over in mid-air!!! It's like, did they even have fuckin' beta testers for this pile of anal waste?!"
About a minute later, the Nerd reaches a stairway. "So, soon you find a stairway. I'd assume it leads to a second area of the level, and I'm right. This time, it's kinda like the end of a castle in Super Mario Brothers, except instead of Bowser's fire coming at you, they're purple magic energy balls, and they're quite fast. It's pretty close to the Yellow Devil's attack speed in the original Mega Man. Was that intentional too, this unoriginal pathetic excuse of a game?!?!" He dodges the magic and reaches a boss door. "The stage is okay overall, but it fuckin' blows, I'd had more fun tearing the hairs off my scrotum and putting them just outside my anus to take a grizzly bear dump, and have it mixed into my scalp!!! No wonder that cock sucker Kyle commit suicide!!!" The Nerd enters the door and faces Twilight Sparkle. "Hey purple pussy, let's have a magic duel. Winner has the biggest balls of all!!!"
"You... hurt Spike... hurt my friends.... I will fight for them!!! I must stop you!! For Equestria!!" Twilight yelled, with tears in her eyes.
AVGN commenced talking about the boss fight. "It's pretty damn shocking when I can say I actually enjoy a boss for once in a BAD game. But this isn't actually too bad. The attacks are easy to dodge and deflect, and jumping around and shooting magic spells to paralyze and drain her health is really satisfying. It's far from fun, but the rest of the game makes this battle seem like a fuckin' godsend. The rest of the game is fuckin' Hasbro Hell. Yeah, sounds about right." Twilight is soon defeated and the game goes back to the Stage Select. A new level icon appears saying: 'Canterlot Castle'.
"You thought this putrid asscheek of defined hell was over? Well, fuck no, not yet, but we're almost there. Just like Mega Man, there's a final castle level. I'M FUCKING FED UP WITH THIS SHITLOAD OF GODDAMN FUCK!!! IT'S WORSE THAN HAVING AN GAY GOBLIN COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND CHOKE YOU WITH HIS BOOGER FLAVORED MEMBER!!! IT'S WORSE THAN A LIZARD CRAWLING INSIDE YOUR ASSHOLE FORCEFULLY RIPPING OUT YOUR SHIT!!!! TIME TO FIGHT THESE FINAL BOSSES AND THEN WE'LL FUCK UP PRINCESS CELESTIA!!! AFTER I'M DONE WITH HER SHE WON'T BE WALKING ON SUNSHINE, SHE'LL BE FUCKIN' ON SUNSHINE, FUCKIN' HER SELF BACKWARDS WITH HER HORNY HORN!!!" AVGN pressed start on the final level, and it began.
The Nerd calmed down after a very violent rant and took a sip of beer. He looked at the TV in confusion. "The fuck!? Why are there so many turds flying across the screen at me?? You know what? I'm gonna do somethin' I should've done a long time ago. Let's pull out an issue of Nintendo Power and see what help it offers for this cockcaressing trash." He flipped through the pages until he found a page of information about the final level of the game. "So, apparently, you have to go through these magical teleporters or some shit, but before you do, it's reccomended that you grab the magic sceptor upgrade that you can find by using your waned to blow up 17 of these turd things. WHO THE HELL WOULD THINK OF DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!!" He grabs the upgrade and enters a teleporter.
"So I got that piece of shit upgrade. When you get a piece of ASS, that's all good, but a piece of SHIT?!! Hell the fuck no. Anyway, after two rooms of the same shit, you come across an empty room full of laughing sound effects. Okay? No point to this shit right? So when you try to leave, some fucked up grey... dog.. appears? The name of it is apparently 'Discord' but... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?! IT HAS A BIRD CLAW, A BEAR CLAW OR SOMETHING, AND IT'S UGLY AS FUCK!!! IT LOOKS LIKE THE FRANKENSTEIN THAT CAME OUT OF MY ASS AS A CHILD IN ONE OF MY NIGHTMARES!!! " He yelled.
"My, my, dear Nintendo Nerd, there is no need for such ignorant language. I suppose I shall cause you some chaos, after what you did to my dear friend Fluttershy," Discord said, with a hint of anger in his voice. The Nerd growled at this.
AVGN took a look back into the Nintendo Power and it showed that you now had to activate the 'Elements of Harmony' power that you can use only once in the entire game. He pressed the B button after selecting the power in the pause menu and the mini-boss was turned to stone.
"YEAH!! NOW YOU'RE PLAYING WITH POWER BITCH!! PLAYING WITH THE POWER OF ASSSS!!!!!!!!!!!"
"So after you leave the mini-boss room, the level changes up a bit. Now there's no more turds or whatever the fuck those are. Oh, wait, the Nintendo Power says those were shots of Chocolate Milk! Well, how the fuck was I supposed to know that?! It doesn't matter. All you do now is traverse through a hallway with some guards trying to knock you out. To kill them, just charge a magic shot and shoot it. They're pretty worthless. What Princess would choose to have such weak protectors? It's like she's just ASKING to die! Well if that's what she wants, I'll be sure to make sure she and her space invader sister get sent to the depths of Pony Hell where they can enjoy an eternity of the bullshit they caused."
Suddenly a guy in a Discord costume bursts through the door to the Game Room. "Well, hello there Nerd, how about I cause you a little chaos?"
AVGN gets up and walks over to Discord and slams him against a wall. How about I cause you some chaos, it's fresh from my ASSHOLE!!!" He takes a massive dump on Discord's face. "You should feel honored. The only other person to have been shit on by me was the great Bug Bunny. Fuck, was he an annoying playboy bunny." He went back to playing the game.
"Thank fuckin' god it's almost over. I want to implant this sorry excuse for entertainment up a unicorn's REAR END!!! Just a few more minutes." He finally ends up right before a massive door. "Move the fuck outta the way you Gay Guards, go have your homo sex somewhere else!!! Dammit, hurry the fuck up!!!" He finally opens the door and faces Celestia and the other Princess, Luna.
"So, you have arrived..." Celestia said calmly, with much sadness evident in her voice. "I can't believe you would do such things to my little ponies..."
"Yeah, shut the fuck up you ugly four legged buttmongril, and FIGHT!! Yeah, you too you blue moon whore, come get some!!"
"Sister, what shall we do...?" Luna asked.
"We've no choice but to fight, then banish him. Come, sister, let's do this together." Celestia replied. AVGN began to smirk and explain.
"So the fight here is hard as all hell. I mean, they fly at you and attack you when you can't even dodge!! What game fuckin' does that?!!? Their attacks do a fuckton of damage too, so don't expect to win on your first try. But there's a strategy. Just stand in place and wave your magic sceptor around while spamming moves. They're stupid enough to just fly into it!! AI in games can be fucking retarded, but this time around it goes beyond other games. The two jackasses eventually fall but not without one last desperation attack. The final attack is a douche, because this time your magic can't do jack shit!!! YOU HAVE TO BE SO PRECISE, THAT IF A SUPERSONIC CHEETAMAN RAN PAST YOU, YOU'D HAVE TO TAP IT WITH YOUR FINGER RIGHT ON IT'S NOSE WITHIN HALF A SECOND!!! IT'S. THAT. BAD. Finally, after it's all over, you have a credits sequence with a box of text. I don't give a titstwisting fuck about it though."
The text onscreen reads: 'And as the prophecy foretold, Equestria would fall by the hands of one gamer: the Angry Video Game Nerd. However, Equestria was not fallen forever, as once the game cartridge was removed from the console, everything would revert back to normal. Thank you for playing....
Lazy Biped Bitch... ~ Fluttershy's ghost.'
The Nerd entered the bathroom and chucked the game cartridge into the toilet bowl. "YEAH, TAKE THAT YOU GREY BOX OF FUCKED UP HORSE GENITALS!!!" He yelled at it. He then sat on the toilet and began to push hard out of his rear end. "UGGGH..... AHHHHHH!!!!" Brown liquid diarrhea splashed out onto the game and covered it. He began reaching for the handle, but then he realized something. "I almost forgot about that faggot fucking fartface!!! He can get some too!!!!" He said angrily to himself.
He stormed into the game room and grabbed the fake Discord's unconscious body. He dragged it by the legs and hurled it into the toilet. "Yeah, bye bye bullshit!" AVGN exclaimed, grinning. He pushed down the toilet handle and watched as the body and game went down into the sewers, never to be seen again. He stuck up his middle finger at the toilet, and walked out.
In the Game Room...
"It's one thing when I play a shitty game. But it's a whole fuckin' lot worse when it rips off a bunch of GOOD Nintendo games, and even sometimes a BAD one!!!!!" The Nerd yelled as he took a sip of beer.
"All in all, keep your hands off that game. You'll regret the shit out of it. The only game worse is...." The Nerd looks over at the cover of E.T. on the Atari 2600 and shivers. "Uhhhhh..... I don't wanna mention the dumpfest right now. Time to go play another shitty ass game," He said, concluding the review.
The screen ended with a Cinemassacre logo.
