> The Incredibly Interesting Date with the Non-Winning Human
>  by BronyWriter
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Helloooo, Human!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well, it could work."

Blossomforth glanced up at me from the menu she was reading and scowled at me. "Or he could be just as unappreciative of it now as he was at the Gala."

It was a quiet Wednesday evening, and my best friend Blossomforth and I were relaxing in a small cafe after work. The day had not been a particularly taxing one, but we were both grateful to be done with it. Blossomforth was still agonizing over which item she wanted, but I had long since ordered a salad. In my boredom, my eyes had wandered around the town square. They had landed on Ponyville's resident human, TD. 

Now, I hadn't heard the official story of why he was in Equestria. As far as the town was concerned he had just shown up one day. The boss' friends had kept the exact reasons to themselves, though. What wasn't a secret was that Princess Celestia had told him at the Gala that she couldn't send him back to his home world of Earp, or something like that, and he was now stuck in Equestria for good. 

I leaned back in my seat and a smirk crossed my face. "I'm just saying that since he's here now, there isn't any reason why he wouldn't want to integrate himself into pony society a little more. I mean, he's roughly our age if I understand right. He should be on the prowl for some action, and I think that I'm just the mare to help him out a little."

Blossomforth sighed and placed her menu back on the table. "I doubt it. You know this is the being that punched Princess Celestia in the face twice, right?"

"Well it's not like I did anything to get on his bad side," I pointed out. "Besides, it'd be good for him. He could blow off some steam."

"And I'm telling you that he's going to be unreceptive." Blossom's eyes trailed over to TD as he manned the local apple farmer's stand. "Just because he's here for good doesn't mean that he's willing to mate with the first thing that asks." 

"Technically he didn't say no at the Gala." I stood up. "I'm gonna go ask him."

"He hardly knows you."

"Which means that he's aware that it would just be a one-time thing to relieve stress." I stretched my wings out. "It'll only take a second."

Blossomforth rolled her eyes as I confidently trotted over to the Apple stand. TD was casually leaning against it, but straightened up when he saw me coming. "Hello," he greeted. "Here to buy some apples?"

"Actually, I'm here to talk to you." I stopped in front of the stand and gave him my best grin. 

TD's eyes narrowed suspiciously and he took a step backwards. I guess he remembered me. "You're that mare that wanted to, how did you put it, 'bang' at the Gala, right?" 

I inclined my head. "Nice to know I made an impact."

"I'm not gonna do it with you, if that's what you want to know," he said flatly. "I'm not into ponies."

I raised a hoof defensively. "Hey, I'm not so mono-dimensional that I'd only come to you to talk to you about that. I'm actually here to ask you if you're doing anything Friday night." My face became sympathetic. "I heard about what happened with the Gala... well, more specifically I was there and watched you punch Princess Celestia, and I just want to make sure that you feel welcome here now that you're living here."

"Still not gonna do it with you," he repeated. 

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I already said that I'm not here for that. I just wanted to buy you a drink this Friday." I cut him off as he opened his mouth again. "It's strictly platonic." Unless the night goes well for me I mentally added. If not, well, it should still be fun.

At any rate, TD, while still a bit suspicious, slowly nodded his head. "If it's platonic, then sure. Friday night." 

My grin widened. "Excellent. I'll meet you at your place, okay? I know all of the best bars around here."

With a goodbye I trotted back over to Blossomforth. She glanced up at me when she saw me coming, and rolled her eyes when she noticed my grin. "I've still got it," I chuckled. 

Blossom scoffed and motioned over to my food, which had arrived by this point. "I still don't really know why you'd do it in the first place. I mean come on, are you really so shallow that you'd try to bang an emotionally distraught guy to get a new notch on your wall?

I sat back down on my chair and shook my head. "Of course not. It's going to be a strictly platonic date. If he agrees to bang afterwards then all the better for me. If not, well then at least I can hope that the two of us can have a good time. Maybe he can relax a bit more, knowing that life here isn't so bad."


*  *  *  *


Friday came, and with it, TD. I trotted up to his humble house and rapped on the door three times. It was only a few seconds before the human in question opened it, bearing that cautious look that he had had when he agreed to go out with me. I flashed him my best excited, but placating, grin. "You ready to go, TD?"

"Yep." 

It was hard not to notice that he was acting much more subdued than I was used to seeing him. This was the being that had punched Princess Celestia in the face and gotten his spine snapped by Princess Luna after all. He didn't seem angry at me, aside from the fact that he seemed a tad anxious, but it almost looked like he was studying me somehow. I supposed that I should have been pretty nervous about that, but he wasn't making an issue of anything so far. 

We reached the Blue Moon bar after a short, silent walk. He stepped a few paces forward and opened the door for me. I thanked him and entered the bar, him following not long after. 

The bar itself was far more subdued than a lot of the places I liked going to. There was no flashy music, strobe lights, fog machines, and ponies just looking for a bang about. Don't get me wrong, if I wanted to pick up somepony to bang while I was here, it would be easy. I wasn't here for that, though. I was here for a completely platonic date with TD. 

The bartender nodded to me when I came in. "Heya, Cloud. The usual?" 

I smiled at him and nodded. "Sure thing." I jerked my head over to TD. "Same for him."

TD raised his eyebrow at me. "What is the usual, might I ask?" 

I chuckled and motioned over to an empty booth for two. "Nothing too elaborate. It's just some cider with a few berry flavors to round it out nicely. I'm fully capable of drinking the harder stuff but..." I shrugged. 

"It's not that kind of night," he finished for me.

"As you like it," I replied. A sly grin crossed my face. "Having said that, it could be if you wanted."

The corner of TD's mouth turned upwards in a half-amused smirk as the bartender placed two of the drinks in front of us. I thanked him and tossed a few bits onto his tray before hooking my foreleg into the handle and inclining my head towards TD. He grabbed his cup and copied my motion before the two of us began drinking. I downed half of mine in one gulp, while he took moderate sips. I snorted and put my mug down. "It's not laced with anything, if that's what you're wondering."

TD's smirk widened. "I know. I've always been the kind of guy who has to take it slow in the beginning." He shrugged and took a bigger gulp. "My body needs to be eased into this kind of thing."

I cocked my head. "It's not that strong."

"I know, but I assume that this isn't the only drink that I'm going to be having tonight, is it?"

I flashed my grin again. "I wouldn't count on it."

I drained the rest of my mug while he took another gulp. He placed his mug back down on the table, and leaned back against the seat. "So, Ms. Kicker, do you know why I agreed to go on this 'platonic' date with you?"

I frowned as I placed my own cup on the table. "I'll ask your opinion if you agree to never call me 'Ms. Kicker' again."

He flicked one hand up in concession. "Fair enough, but that doesn't answer my question. I mean, it's obvious that I wasn't so into the idea of any kind of physical relationship with you at the Gala." He scratched the scruff on his chin and leaned his head against his hand. "So, I'm curious about your perspective."

I thoughtfully tapped my lower jaw and leaned my head back. "I think if I had to guess it would be because you don't want to be a prude who alienates the town. I mean, if you're going to be here for a while, there's not need to present yourself as just some aloof guy who isn't looking for friends." I grinned again. "Or you secretly do want me and you're just making excuses to see me."

He had drained his mug as I was talking, so I motioned for two more ciders. "It's an interesting thought," he conceded, "and I admit that, aside from the banging part because no, it certainly plays a small part in it. Just because I know what you're after doesn't mean that I can't have a good time."

I leaned forward. "And what am I after?"

"I think you want this night to end with us going to one of our houses and rutting until neither of us could see straight." He chuckled and made room for the fresh mug of cider that was coming. "Do I have you pegged right?"

"I have to admit that it would be a high end to the evening." My vaguely amused smirk fell into a frown. "Though I'm curious as to why this has turned into an analysis about my lifestyle. I feel kinda judged here."

TD's eyes widened. "What? No! I'm not here to judge you. You think I was friends with a few people who enjoyed a good bang every now and again? I've made lewd jokes plenty of times." He relaxed his stance a little. "Believe you me, if I was really so offended by your behavior, I'd have simply walked out. I'm not trying to be Dr. Freud here, I really am curious."

"So does that mean maybe?" 

"No."

I snorted, but waited until the bartender had placed two more ciders in front of us to continue talking. "Yeah, well, it would still be a good idea for you to blow off some steam, even if it doesn't involve banging."

"I'll concede the point, but if we did that, it wouldn't be the first such outing that had begun platonic and ended in bed, right?" 

"No," I admitted with more than a hint of pride, "but I want to make one thing clear: I'm not that kind of mare. I'm not gonna get you drunk then take advantage of you while you're not thinking straight. That would be in poor taste and it would break some of my rules. If the night does end that way, now or for any platonic outings, I'm not gonna be the pony who leads it there." 

"Except for the part where you instigate the date in the first place." He smirked and took a sip of his cider. "Or am I over-analyzing things?"

I'm not that shallow," I retorted. "I know you don't want anything like that, so I won't push you there. I'm just saying, if the night ends there that would be pretty awesome."

He raised his arms in a shrug. "Well, then what do you want to do tonight then, hmm? Do you just want to talk, drink, then part ways as good friends?"

"For a first time out, that doesn't seem like a bad idea."

"Okay then." He leaned back and draped his arm on the back of the booth. "What do a human, who has been torn from his world and is forced to live in Ponyland forever and a pony from said country who is really focused on banging have to talk about?" 

I chuckled. "Well, when you put it like that it's a challenge. We don't seem to have too many common interests, do we?"

He shook his head. "No we don't." He folded his arms across his chest. "I'm curious, though, why all this fixation on banging?" 

"Would you believe that you're not the first one to ask me that?" 

"I'd believe that I'm the first human to ask you that," he snarked.

"Fair enough." I threw back more of my cider. "Well..." I cleared my throat. "It's just... when you bang a pony, there's a personal connection there that you can't get anywhere else. You share something special with that pony. You develop a closeness with them."

TD snorted and took another sip of his cider. "So you pick up some random mare or stallion at a bar with the intent of a one night stand to share a deep personal closeness with them only to never see them again?"

"Banging is also very fun," I grinned. 

"Well, then why didn't you just say that in the first place?" he questioned. "Why all of this stuff about a deep connection with a mare you'll be too wasted to remember the next morning?" TD motioned around the bar with his empty cider mug. "I'd buy that for the ponies around here. You know them and you're friends with them. From what I hear, you're talking about an upgrade, some way to take that relationship to a deeper level, am I getting it?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Right." He placed his mug back down on the table. "But do you really get that from some random guy you pick up at a bar in Cloudsdale? Is that really on the forefront of your mind, creating a deeper connection with a mare you've never met nor will ever meet again?" 

"I guess not." I silently motioned for another round. "What's your point, though?"

"Well, take me for example. When you tried to seduce me, and I know you're still trying, were you thinking about what my hands could do for you, or were you wanting to create a deep connection with some human that you had only shared a dozen words with?" A smirk crossed his face. "All of which had to do with us banging."

I shot him a lewd grin. "Hey, you can't blame a girl for trying."

"'Course I can." TD took the fresh ciders without looking and pushed one to me. He lifted his cider up and downed half of it before turning his attention back to me. "Have you figured out why I agreed to this?"

"No, I haven't." I must admit that I was curious why he had such a sudden change of heart. He wasn't the type of guy who struck me as having his mind changed on a whim. it got me all excited for nothing.

"Well first off..." He extended his thumb. "I thought it would be interesting to see what it looked like when a pony tried to seduce me, especially since I am, for all intents and purposes, an alien with a completely foreign culture." He extended his pointer finger. "Secondly, I admit that I did what to get to know you. A pony who does what she does and claims that she has some deeper meaning to it all is interesting. I didn't really know you, but I figured that you weren't the type to just bang for the heck of it, no matter what the other pony felt." A third finger went up. He opened his mouth to explain what it meant, but he frowned and examined the hand. "Huh, I swear there was a third thing, but I think I forgot it."

I gave him a knowing smile. "You're a little tipsy, aren't you?" 

He shrugged and put his hand back on the table. "Uh... yeah, probably." He waved his hand dismissively. "Not so drunk that I can't carry on the conversation or think straight. I'm just a little tipsy is all." He waved his hand again. "Back to the conversation, though..." His eyes widened and he snapped his fingers. "That's it, that was the third thing."

I cocked my head. "What?"

"I was curious of what your motivations were for banging me in particular. It's kinda close to number one, I'll admit, but why would you just go after me because I have a pulse? Are you really that addicted to it? I feel kinda objectified, not gonna lie."

I widened my eyes and raised my hooves defensively. "No! That's not it at all! You're a living being with his own thoughts and emotions. I don't have a right to see you that way." I leaned in closer to him and pushed my cider aside. "Would you believe me if I told you that seducing you hasn't topped my list of goals since we've been here?" Not that it's not still on the list.

TD raised an eyebrow. "Not sure. I suppose it's a possibility that you've imagined what it would be like for a second, given that we've been talking about it, but if you say so, I suppose I should believe you."

"Well, haven't you imagined it for a second?" I pointed out. "I mean, you're going to be living around ponies for the rest of your life, are you saying that romance is off the table for you forever? Is that really what you want?"

TD's eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on the handle of his cider mug. I sensed that I had taken it one step too far and flattened my ears. "I... I'm sorry. I guess the fact that Princess Celestia can't send you home is still a little raw."

"Yeah," he grunted. "Not sure when it won't be, to be honest." 

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "It was wrong of me to say that."

He waved my apology away. "Not a problem. I know that I need to make the best of it and not tense up whenever somebody brings it up, but..." 

"It still hurts right now," I finished. 

"Yeah." He drained his mug. "Having said that, there's no reason that I can't answer your question." My ears perked up and I fixed him with an interested gaze. He chuckled and pushed his mug back. "Have I ever considered a romance with any of the ponies around here, now or ever?" He shook his head. "No, at least not in the physical sense. No offense to the species, but I'm just not attracted to ponies."

"Makes sense, I guess." The corners of my mouth tugged up. "But saying 'not in the physical sense' does kind of imply that there is a loophole to your romance dilemma." 

"Sorta." He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. "If I was forced at gunpoint to pick one of the mares around here to marry, I would actually have an answer."

"Gun?"

He smirked. "Human projectile weapon."

"Ah. Gotcha." My eyebrow raised. "So there is a mare."

"Like I said: sorta. I doubt the feeling is mutual. I'm just saying that if I had to love one of the mares around here, I would know who I would want to be my marefriend."

A large grin crossed my face and I leaned in eagerly. "Details!" I squeed. "Come on, you can't give me that and not give me some details!" 

"I'll only give you a hint. I can't have it going around town that I'm deeply in love with the specific pony, it would send the wrong message and it might make our relationship awkward."

"Fair enough," I agreed, "but I'm not the kind of mare who would gossip like that."

His eyes scanned the bar. "It's not you I'm worried about. This town is full of gossips."

"Again, fair enough." My grin returned. "So, hint me up!"

"She isn't in a relationship already."

My grin turned into a thoughtful frown, and I tapped my lower jaw thoughtfully. "So that rules out Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Lyra, and Bon Bon to name a few, I guess."

"A good start," he admitted. "That just leaves almost every other mare in Ponyville as a possible option."

"But you don't frequently interact with most other mares in Ponyville," I pointed out. "So that really only leaves..." My eyes turned mischievous, and I leaned in conspiratorially to whisper a single name into his ear. "It's her, isn't it?"

He bobbled his head slightly. "Could be. Could not be," he responded cryptically. 

I giggled. His expression is hard to misinterpret. "You totally like her, don't you?"

"Again, not in the physical sense in the slightest. I've never even thought about her that way, and I never will." He idly spun his empty mug around. "But if I absolutely had to..."

"That is hilarious!" I crowed. "I gotta buy you another cider for that, because that is just too much!"

He looked up from his mug and scowled at me. "What's so funny about it?"

"Two things." I held up one hoof. "One, you're kind of a prude who I never saw as the lovey-dovey type." He opened his mouth to object, but I help up the other hoof. "Two, I'm slightly tipsy too." 

"So you're a lightweight?"

I snorted indignantly. "What? No! It's just that this cider is a tad stronger than it looks, and I'm just about to get there with one or two more, that's all." I grabbed the next two mugs given to us and gave him a sideways grin. "Besides, you're a little tipsier than I am." 

"Probably," he admitted. "I only hit the drinking age where I come from a month or so ago."

"Oh yeah, I remember that. Pinkie threw you a big party."

He accepted his cider. "Nah, you're thinking of that other time. My birthday party was pretty quiet. Just a few buddies. I don't really like the big crowds, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I prefer the quieter fare." He began drinking his cider and when he put it down, he had a large grin on his face. "Having said that, I wasn't exactly taken out to a bar to get smashed on my twenty-first, so if I'm going to learn what kind of drunk I am, we'd better pick up the pace, yeah?"

I hooked my foreleg around my mug and grinned in determination.


*  *  *  *


"Okay, so you're a giggly drunk."

TD stumbled down the street, doing his best to lean on me for support; a difficult feat as I was a little out of it myself. "Only after my sixth cider," he slurred. "Then I'm..." he motioned to himself. "This, I guess."

I giggled and began walking him towards his house. "I don't know much about what humans are like drunk, but it was pretty funny when you nearly fell out of the booth."

"Wouldn'ta been so funny if I'da broken my neck," he grumbled. 

"But you didn't so it was funny!" 

He rolled his eyes and looked up. His house was getting closer and the fact that he had a tangible goal in front of him strengthened his steps a little. When we reached his house, he shakily reached into his pocket for his key, but the second it was out of his pocket he dropped it. "Confound it. It won't stay still," he groaned. He reached down and began repeatedly swiping at it, but it wasn't going into his hand. I rolled my eyes. 

"I'll get it." Being less drunk meant that I was in a better position to get the door unlocked. It was only a minute, and six tries, before I got the door open and we both tumbled inside.

"Thanks," he muttered, dragging himself towards the kitchen. Knowing where he was going, I helped him get a few glasses of water to counteract the alcohol. He seemed to be a little more lucid after that. He shook his head and stood up without my help. "Well, I'm still drunk, but not so bad that the room is spinning anymore."

"That's the good thing about pony booze," I giggled. "Water will help the effects go away."

He nodded. "Good. Now, to bed for TD." He took a step forward, but still stumbled a little bit. I dutifully leaned up against him, guiding him towards the bed. He collapsed onto it, somehow taking me with him. I landed directly on top of him. 

We both paused as we considered this new development. Here I was, on top of him. He was drunk, but seeing as how I was too, my rules kind of went out the door. I should have remembered them, I really should have. It was just in good taste and fair to him. 

He stared at me lying on top of him for a second. "Huh."

"Yeah... huh," I agreed. 

"I guess the night doesn't have to be over if it's going to play out like this."

I shook my head. "I don't suppose so. Do you have any ideas of what we should do?"

A wide grin split his face. "I do."


*  *  *  *


An hour and a half later, we were both lying on his bed. Both of us were merely staring forward in total silence, completely shocked at what had just taken place. 

"I cannot believe that just happened," he groaned. 

"It was just about to get to the best part," I grumbled. "Then it had to just... sputter out."

He sighed. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't expect it to just fade away like that."

I shrugged. "I guess it happens."

He let out another sigh and shook his head. "I should have gotten Twilight to work her magic on it, but I don't think that she would have been too open to it, given that I was going to use it with you." He cast a wry glance at me. "I know all about her little sociology report."

I chuckled, but my solemn expression returned as I looked ahead. "So, what did you say the movie was called again?"

He motioned towards his computer which was placed at the edge of his bed. "Die Hard. I figured that since you were trained in the military and all that, you'd appreciate a good action movie."

"I do," I admitted. "I don't appreciate your computer dying right before I can see if he survives the explosion or not." 

"I guess you'll just have to come over to see how the movie ends when Twilight has re-charged it again." 

I raised an eyebrow and a smirk crossed my face. "Is that an invite for another date?"

He snorted. "First off, this wasn't a date, it was a platonic get-together, part of which involved the discussion of the one pony I would be possibly open to dating. Secondly, if you call it that, other ponies might get the wrong idea entirely. Not every outing between a guy and a girl has to be about romance, you know. I'd just prefer a platonic friendship."

"Friendship, huh?" 

He nodded and stood up to close his computer. "Yeah. We can be friends and not think about that. I should know, most of my closest friends back home were girls. Never thought about intercourse at all with them."

I smiled a little wistfully. "That sounds like a relatively stress-free relationship then."

"In that way, sure," he conceded. "But friendships will be friendships." He gave a wistful smile of his own. "I need more of them around here. Twilight and Co. are great, but there's more to Ponyville than them, you know what I mean?"

I happily nodded and bounced off of the bed myself. "You know, a strictly platonic relationship sounds nice." I chuckled to myself. "So long as other ponies don't get the wrong idea."

He chuckled in return. "That would be awkward."
> Did We Just Get...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I never thought that one of my best friends in my entire life would be a pony, but I have to admit, Cloud Kicker could be a lot of fun. 

Get your heads out of the gutters. We only tried that once. 

I am, of course, kidding. 

Every Friday over the next few months, Cloud Kicker and I would get together and go to some bar to just talk about our weeks and get a little buzzed. Most nights the two of us would go back to my house and watch one of my movies. We did finally finish Die Hard. 

This particular Friday saw the two of us at the Blue Moon again. It had become out de facto place to hang out. The two of us were just getting started on our first ciders of the evening. It was Cloud Kicker that kicked off the conversation. No pun intended. 

"So, how's the maintenance gig?" she asked. 

I shrugged and sipped my cider. Still as good as ever. "Same old, same old." I grimaced. "Had to deal with another high end restaurant shift. Those upper-class types still think I'm some sort of servant boy."

Cloud Kicker clicked her tongue and sipped her own cider. "You know how it goes with them. They think that they're better than everypony else."

"Yeah, well..." I shrugged. "That's why I employ sarcasm. It keeps me sane."

Cloud Kicker nodded and leaned back in her chair. "So, how about that stuff with Cheerilee and Big Mac last Hearts and Hooves?" A familiar smile crossed Cloud Kicker's face that only came out during one subject. "Do you think they went at it?"

I shook my head and drained the rest of my cider. "I doubt it. The Crusaders kept them pretty far apart. They didn't have time to..." I spun my hand while I thought of the word. "Go at it."

"Pity," Cloud Kicker muttered. "Cheerilee could have had a great night with somepony who was as much of a stallion as Big Mac."

"You would know," I snarked. 

"You'd better believe it," she retorted.

"I guess I started it, but TMI," I grumbled as I motioned for two more ciders. "Still though, I'm curious as to why the Crusaders thought that they needed to get Cheerilee a special somepony in the first place."

Cloud Kicker's lewd smile widened. "Sounds like somepony is jealous."

I glared at Cloud Kicker. "I am not jealous, I'm just saying that what they did is dumb is all." I ran a hand through my hair. "Something could have really gone wrong."

Cloud Kicker shrugged and passed me the second cider as it came over. "They've learned their lesson."

I raised my cider. "Here's hoping." I scoffed and lowered my cider to my lips. "I just hope they don't decide that I need one."

Cloud Kicker frowned and put her cider down. "Why is that? You never want to get married or anything like that?"

"Of course I do." I grimaced and put my cider down. "Or I did. I wanted to get married back on Earth. To a human woman." I sighed and motioned around to the other patrons of the bar. "Of which there are a noticeable absence."

"Not even going to consider a pony as a soul mate, huh?" 

I shook my head. "We have ponies on Earth, and they aren't exactly sentient creatures. If a guy is in love with a pony on Earth he's pretty messed up in the head."

"But we're definitely sapient here," Cloud Kicker pointed out. "Maybe not in the technological sense, but we're definitely as advanced as you are intellect-wise."

"Yeah," I agreed, "but... I dunno, inter-species never did it for me."

There was that lewd smile again. "It's not so bad."

"You would know," I muttered. "I'll take your word for it, though." 

Well, I could say that there was more interesting conversation about my sexuality or anything in that area, but there wasn't. It turned out to be what most Fridays were for us. Small talk that ended with us going back to my house for a movie. I had been reluctant to show her Wolf Creek, but it was the last one that I had and she had definitely expressed interest in human horror. The most interesting thing was the part where Mick Taylor plays... head on a stick with one of the unfortunate victims. That was the only part that made Cloud Kicker flinch as she said that it was pretty accurate. Apparently barbaric things like that were part of pony history. She said something about a Lunar Rebellion. 

Blech. 

But, the night ended like it normally did. We exchanged a good night hug and she tipsily trotted back to her house. I went back inside once she was out of sight and plopped back down on my bed. As was customary, I smiled to myself when I remembered the events of the night. They were never complex. They were just a simple outing where we'd drink and talk. In a crazy world where crazy, and stupid, crap happens to me regularly, it's nice to just have something that's as close to an Earth friendship that I could get. 


*  *  *  *


The next morning saw me up bright and early. I was scheduled to help re-paint town hall's interior, and I wanted to get an early start on that so that I could get to Cheerilee's class. I was teaching them about American presidents today; specifically Johnson to Johnson. 

Before I did, I saw Applejack setting up her stand for the day. She saw me coming and tipped her hat to me, so I walked over to her. "Morning."

"G 'mornin'" she replied. She motioned to her apples. "Care fer one?"

"Well I haven't had breakfast yet," I admitted. I reached into my pocket and tossed a bit into her cash box. I took a rather delicious looking apple off of the top. "Long day ahead of you?"

Applejack nodded and emptied a barrel of granny smith apples into a basket. "'Bout the same. You?"

"Painting town hall." I motioned to my painter's clothes. "Mayor Mare thinks that the color scheme isn't working anymore. On top of that, some of the paint in a few of the rooms are chipping." 

"That's town hall for ya." Applejack chuckled. "Always in need of repair." 

"No kidding," I grumbled. 

I raised the apple to my mouth to take a bite, but I stopped when I saw Cloud Kicker come up the road towards the stand. We exchanged a smile and a greeting nod. "How's it going?" she asked as she approached. 

"Pretty good."

"Nice clothes," she snarked as she tossed a bit onto the counter. "Finally decided to forgo making yourself presentable, huh?"

I rolled my eyes as she picked up her apple. "Oh ha ha." 

The two of us thanked Applejack for the apples and began walking towards town hall. "Rough weather scheduled for today?"

Cloud Kicker shook her head. "Just a shower. It's only for an hour or so anyway." 

"Cool, cool. Clear skies from then on out?" 

Cloud Kicker nodded. "Until next Tuesday's storm. It's pretty simple."

I nodded and raised my apple to my mouth and she did the same. I tilted my head to her. "Bon Appetite."


*  *  *  *


I can't say for sure what happened next. I can only say that the next thing I knew, I was lying in my bed. I glanced over at my alarm clock and saw that it was ten o' clock the next morning. I was still dressed in my painter's clothes, but it didn't look like there was any new splotches on them. Odd. 

Not as odd as the new piece of jewelry that I found on my left ring finger. I noticed it when I went to stretch. It was a simple golden band. It kind of looked like... a wedding ring. Uh...

I was officially beginning to freak out. I bolted up and examined the ring on my finger. I had never seen it before, and I had no idea why it would be on my finger. 

Before I could think of anything else, I heard a groan come from my bed. My jaw dropped and my eyes widened when I saw none other than Cloud Kicker herself sprawled out on the opposite half. I gasped and stumbled backwards. Please tell me we didn't...

I gulped and shook her shoulder. "Uh... Cloud Kicker?"

She muttered something under her breath and opened one eye. "Oh, hey, TD." She sat up and stretched her wings out. To my horror I saw a necklace around her neck with a similar golden band on it. 

No. No no no no no.

"Musta been quite the long movie we watched last night." She scratched her stomach and yawned. "Either that or we drank too much." 

"Cloud Kicker, it's Sunday." 

She raised an eyebrow and got up off of the bed. "Well then..." She frowned and brought a hoof to her lips. Her eyes widened and she took a step back. "Oh no!" She bit her lip and flattened her ears. "Take it from a mare who has experience with this kind of thing, but if the feeling on my lips is any indication... we kind of made out."

I groaned and double facepalmed. "Dammit. If I must say it: dammit. That's just..."

"What's with the ring?" I looked through my fingers at Cloud Kicker. "I didn't know you had one."

"I could say the same thing about you." I pointed to the ring around her neck. "And if I know anything, they aren't just normal rings." 

Cloud Kicker frowned and examined the ring around her neck. "Well then what..." It hit her and she let go of the ring with a gasp. She flinched back, her wings spread out wide. "Did we just get... married?!
> Love Poison
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had been through years of guard training. I could kill somepony quite quickly if I needed to. I was one of the most confident and cocky ponies in Ponyville this side of the boss. Point being, I wasn't fazed by much. As I stood in front of one of my precious few purely platonic friends with a wedding ring around my neck, I felt like I was going to pass out. 

"What did we do last night?" I whispered. 

He opened his mouth as if to respond, but no words came and he opted for a shrug. 

I nodded and looked down at the floor as I tried to think about the last thing I remembered. I think there was something with apples maybe. Yeah, that sounded about right. I looked back up at him. "Is the last thing you remember eating an apple? We met in front of Applejack's stand?"

TD slowly nodded. "Y-yeah. Yeah that's right." He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his temples. "We didn't have sex, did we?" 

"Uh..." I uneasily rubbed the back of my neck. "No, I don't think so. You're still fully clothed, for one." It was all I could do to meet his gaze, but I forced myself to lock eyes with him. "We definitely made out, though." 

TD groaned and began rubbing his temples. "Great. That's just freaking great!" His eyes snapped open and he crossed his arms with a humorless smile. "No offense to you, but this isn't how I envisioned our relationship developing."

I waved away his apology. "No, I understand. You're into women of your own species." I reached up and touched the wedding ring around my neck. "This can't be happening."

TD grimaced and took the ring off of his finger. "Okay, if we didn't... consummate the marriage then we can get it annulled, right? Especially if we both say that we weren't in our right minds when we got married."

I flinched back at the 'M' word, but I nodded back at him. "Yeah, that'll work if I understand the laws about marriage." My gaze trailed to the floor. "Not that I've ever had any need to," I muttered.

"Good. Then all we have to do is... is..." His vice trailed away, and I looked up at him with a frown. He was staring at something behind me, and I turned around expecting something even worse than what we had already discovered. I got it. It turned out that what he was looking at was the small table in his house. On said table was a single sheet of paper that could only have been one thing: our marriage certificate.

The two of us slowly walked up to the table and stared cautiously at the piece of paper like it was a rabid animal. Somehow it was even more painful to look at than the rings. 

The marriage certificate for Mr. TD Harrison Powell and Mrs. Cloud Powell nee Kicker.

It was like a direct kick to the gut from a rather ill-tempered mule with a lot of power. The only thing that stopped me from taking it and tearing it into a million pieces was the fact that we would definitely need it if we wanted to annul our marriage. TD thought the same thing, and he picked it up and beckoned me out of his house. 

"We're going to deal with this now," he said stiffly. "Again, not offense to you but I'd rather not be married to one of my best friends, yeah?"

I nodded and followed him out of the door. 

As we crossed through the city to get to town hall, I noticed that the mood of the town seemed rather subdued. Normally around this time the town was bustling with ponies chatting animatedly with each other. It was generally pretty friendly. Now, though, nopony was talking much to each other. Even fewer made eye contact. They just went about their business. Whatever had happened to TD and I clearly wasn't limited to the two of us. I didn't even want to imagine what relationships had been torn apart because of whatever had happened. 

We reached town hall as quickly as possible and went directly into the mayor’s office. She was sitting behind her desk with her head in her hooves, staring at a mess of papers on her desk. She looked up at us when we walked in and sighed. "You too, huh?" 

TD nodded and placed the marriage certificate on the desk. "Who else?"

"A fair amount," the mayor admitted. "Lyra and Raindrops, Big Mac and Redheart, Colgate and Thunderlane..." The mayor sighed again and shook her head sadly. "Twilight and Rarity..."

Both of us flinched back and exchanged a pained glance. Two of the Elements of Harmony hooking up was not something that was going to be ignored; particularly when one of them was the princess' prized pupil. Sure Pinkie Pie and the boss were together, but that wasn't the result of some unknown spell. They loved each other. Sure, TD and I loved each other, but as good friends. Not as two ponies who get hitched and go back to one of their houses and make out. 

TD was the first to speak up after that stunning revelation. "So... if there has been a rash of unexpected marriages..." He glanced down at the mayor's desk. "And most of these seem to be marriage certificates, I'll hazard a guess that you know what we would like." 

"An annulment," the mayor said with a nod. She motioned for TD to put the marriage certificate on the desk. "Yes. Of course. I will contact you when the annulment has gone through." 

"Thanks," TD muttered. 

"Before you go..." Mayor Mare blushed and flattened her ears. "I hate to ask, but did you... consummate your marriage?"

"No!" we both said immediately. 

"I woke up with all of my clothes on. We didn't do anything," said TD.

Mayor Mare nodded and jotted that down on a notebook. "Yes. That's good. That will make the annulment process far smoother. Some couples, I won't say which ones, of course, will not have so easy a time."

"Pity," I muttered.

"Do you know what happened?" TD asked. "I mean, a bunch of random couples don't just decide to get married out of the blue."

The mayor sighed again and put her head in her hooves. "The best we can figure is that yesterday's round of apples from Sweet Apple Acres were somehow tainted with a love potion. Applejack came to my office in a frenzy, saying that a bunch of ponies connected her apples to the marriages. She told me the Cutie Mark Crusaders had created a love potion for Apple Blooms' brother and their teacher."

"I think I remember that," said TD. He glanced uneasily out the window in the direction of the farm. "I had to help move Berry Punch's house back to where it normally was."

"Yes. That's the incident." The mayor waved a hoof. "It seems that the Crusaders dumped their love potion out of the window of their clubhouse and it seeped into the soil, affecting the nearby apple trees. Those apples were the ones that Applejack was selling yesterday." 

"How is she doing?" TD asked. He looked out towards Sweet Apple Acres again. "I can't imagine that the ponies around here have been taking it very well."

"Most have," Mayor Mare admitted. "They understand that this wasn't her fault. They're angrier with The Crusaders. Their families have been keeping them hidden. They didn't go to school today as far as I'm aware."

I made a mental note to go talk to Applejack to see how she was doing. TD seemed to be having similar thoughts if the way he was looking out towards the farm was any indication. I decided that if there was nothing else for us to tell the mayor that we had better get going. I wanted to see Applejack sooner rather than later. She needed to know that somepony who had gone through this wasn't mad at her, or Apple Bloom for that matter. I motioned for TD and he nodded. We thanked the mayor who promised us that she would get our annulment through within the next forty-eight hours. 

As we turned around, we were greeted with a sight that made my heart sink. Bon Bon was walking towards the office next to Roseluck. Both of them had wedding rings around their necks and Roseluck had what was likely a marriage certificate sticking out of her saddlebag. Bon Bon's eyes were streaked with tears, and Roseluck just looked blank. She glanced at us when we walked past the two of them and sighed sadly. 

As we walked out of town hall, I looked over at TD who had the same blank expression that Roseluck had. "I want to go to Sweet Apple Acres. Maybe to Carousel Boutique and Scootaloo's house too. I want to tell them that I'm not angry."

"Yeah. That sounds like a good idea," TD muttered. He looked at the farm in the distance and changed his direction so that the two of us were walking there. We walked in silence until we reached the farm. We didn't even make eye contact. I supposed that I was glad for that. I don't think that I would have been able to look at him. I hated the idea that I was his wife. No offense to him, but I wasn't the kind of mare who was big into monogamy. If it turned out that TD and I had to stay married for the rest of our lives, I don't think I could have stayed faithful to my husband, and the knowledge that I was being unfaithful would have taken all of the joy out of banging.

We reached the farm after ten or so minutes, and TD knocked on the door of the Apple residency. Applejack answered the door almost immediately, and groaned when she saw who it was. "Ah take it y'all are here because of the apples."

"Yeah." I flattened my ears and rubbed the back of my neck. The fur on Applejack's face was streaked with tears, and her eyes were puffy and bloodshot. No prizes for guessing what she had been doing all morning. "Look, we just--"

Applejack growled and glared at us. "You might as well stop there, Cloud," she snapped. "Ah didn't know they were tainted, if Ah had known Ah wouldn'ta sold 'em, mah sister ain't a bad filly, she just made a mistake that she couldn't have figured that she would make, and Ah've made sure she's been punished! Does that answer all of yer questions?"

"What? That wasn't what I was going to say at all!" I insisted. "We're just here to say that we're not mad at you and to ask if there's anything that we can do to help!"

Applejack fixed us both with an even stare for a moment before sighing and leaning her head against the door frame. "Right. Okay, then." She closed her eyes and pushed her hat up on her head. "Ah'm sorry, y'all. Ah've just had a pretty awful mornin'."

TD waved away her apology. "No, I get it. All of this has probably been just as big of a shock to you as it has been to us." He looked past Applejack into the house. "How is Apple Bloom doing?"

"Same as me, Ah guess," Applejack muttered. "She's been in her room since Ah sent her up this mornin'. She hasn't had to hear the ponies who've come by ta yell at me." Applejack grimaced and looked back up the stairs. "Ah hope."

"Can I go talk to her?" TD asked. "I want to make sure that she's okay."

Applejack grunted a reply and jerked her head inside. TD nodded back and walked past her and up the stairs. I would have gone, but I know that Applejack doesn't exactly approve of me being around her younger sister. That did leave a rather awkward silence between the two of us that I wasn't quite sure how to break. So we didn't. We just stood there, unsure of what to say to each other that would make either one of us feel any better. TD came down after about ten minutes, and he almost looked a little more depressed than when he went up. He gave me a sad smile when we made eye contact. I nodded back and the two of us said our goodbyes to Applejack, with the added assurance that we weren't mad at her and didn't blame her for anything. Even if it didn't cheer her up exactly, she did seem a little less tense. 

The two of us walked out of the farm in silence. I looked up at TD, who barely returned my glance. He sighed and shook his head. "If you don't mind, I think I'm going to go home now. I just..." He scoffed quietly. "I don't know."

"Yeah. Me too."

With that, he began walking back towards his house. I decided that I would go back to mine too since I couldn't really think of anything else to do. When I got back, the thought crossed my mind that I should eat something since I hadn't had any food in at least thirty-six hours, but I decided against it. I couldn't stomach anything right now. I just walked into my room and plopped down on my bed. Doing that made me realize that I was still wearing my wedding ring. I lifted the necklace over my head and deposited it on my bedside table. I couldn't help my stare at it. It was horrifying to me, but I couldn't look away. 

Mrs. Cloud Powell. 

Mrs. Cloud Powell nee Kicker. 

Cloud Powell. 

Mrs. Powell. 

I put my head in my hooves and turned my back on the ring, my mind drawing complete blanks on how to deal with this.
> So I Married a Pony
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I barely registered the subdued aura of the town as I trudged back to my house. The words on the marriage certificate were still burned into the forefront of my mind. I wished that I could make them go away, but the more I tried to forget the more I thought about them. 

Mrs. Cloud Powell nee Kicker. 

I had just married a pony. On top of that, I was still actually married to said pony. Mayor Mare just kind of tossed our marriage certificate onto a rather large pile. Heck, if Cloud... Powell and I got together for our next Friday outing, we could theoretically still be married. Part of me wanted to call in one of the infinity favors that the princesses owed me, but I didn't actually want to get them involved in this. Having said that, they would anyway since half of Ponyville got married, including Celestia's prized pupil and the Element of Generosity. I can't even imagine how they're taking it; particularly if they are one of the couples who did end up doing it with each other, making their annulment that much harder. 

I pushed such thoughts out of my head and opened the door to my house. I couldn't help looking at the table where our marriage certificate laid that morning as if I was expecting some other piece of bad news to be there. I'm really not sure what would have been worse at that point. 

Well, in all honesty I didn't think that I had it in me to do much more that day except go back to bed. My computer was fully charged, so I could get in some solitaire and my music for a few hours. Maybe I'd read one of those books that Twilight had given me for my twenty-first birthday. Long story short, I had to find something to get my mind off of what had just happened. 

I took off my paint shirt and tossed it onto the floor. I could deal with that later. I climbed into bed and took my computer off of my bedside table. I got under the covers and set it on my lap. As I surfed through my music to figure out what I was going to listen to, my mind wandered back to my conversation with Apple Bloom when my wife and I went to the Acres to support Applejack. 

You know, it would have been a good idea to stop thinking about Cloud Kicker as my wife, but legally she was. 

That aside, it was heartbreaking to see Apple Bloom. Her pillow was absolutely soaked with tears, and her bow was undone and on the floor. I was glad to find out that she hadn't been spanked or anything like that. Grounded yes, but no physical punishment. 

I leaned back in my bed and closed my eyes as I remembered the exact conversation. She seemed... scared almost, like she was worried that I was going to chew her out. That frankly hurt worse than waking up with a pony for a wife.

"Ah'm sorry! Ah didn't know that it would happen like that. Please! Please don't hate me, TD!"

"Aw Apple Bloom, I could never hate you! I know it was an accident."

"But mah friends and Ah made the love potion on purpose! I-f we hadn'ta done that, you wouldn't be married to Ms. Cloud Kicker!"

"Well, yeah, but I know you've done your best to try to make up for that, right?"

That only made her cry harder, which in turn only made me feel worse about the whole thing.

It was mah idea ta dump the rest out the window of the clubhouse! I-if Ah hadn'ta done that, there wouldn't be any problems. Apple Bloom curled into a ball on her bed and buried her head in her forelegs. Ah mad a lotta ponies real sad 'cause of that. They're gonna hate me forever.

"No, they're not." I sat down on the bed beside her and put my hand on her head. "They have to know that you didn't do it on purpose, and the ponies around here aren't so shallow that they'd be mad forever about a mistake."

Apple Bloom had gripped me in a crushing hug after that. I just sat there and let her cry into my shoulder. I hated that it was the best that I could do to make her feel better, but it did seem to help a little bit. She wasn't sobbing on her bed when I left. She had moved on to just staring at the wall. I'm not sure if that was worse, to be honest.

I plugged my headphones into the headphone jack in my computer and was just getting ready to listen to my music when I heard a quiet knock on my door. I put my earbuds down and slid out of bed. I put on my shirt before answering the door. I opened it up and discovered Fluttershy of all ponies on the other end. She gave me a small smile. I sighed and moved aside so that she could come in. I pulled a chair out for her and sat down on my bed. 

"I take it you're here because of what happened today, yeah?"

Fluttershy subtly nodded and touched my leg. "I'm sorry, TD. Is there anything that I can do to help?"

"Short of reversing time, I..." I sighed again and put my head in my hands. "I don't think so."

"I'm here if you need somepony to talk to." Fluttershy's ears flattened. "That's kind of why I came over, really. I wasn't sure if you wanted somepony to talk to or not."

I shrugged and scooted back so that I could lean against the back wall. "I guess it couldn't hurt." I chuckled weakly. "Couldn't hurt any more than waking up and finding out that I married my best friend who happens to be a pony." 

Fluttershy nodded sadly. "I know that must--"

"It's just one thing after another with me, isn't it?" I snapped. I glowered and stood up to begin pacing around my house. I didn't know why I was so angry about it all. It's not like it was anybody's fault; it didn't happen on purpose. Still... 

"I'm just sick and freaking tired of everything here going wrong for me!" I extended my thumb. "I go to the Gala and hope that Celestia can send me back home. That doesn't work out." I extended my pointer finger. "I try to get away to blow off some steam alone and I get my freaking spine snapped!" Another finger goes up. "I'm stuck here in Ponyland for the rest of my life with no chance of seeing anybody I knew back home ever again, and now the best friend that I had, the one who I could just get together with and talk about whatever, probably won't ever act the same way around me anymore because we woke up married!" I growled and slammed my fist onto my table. It didn't do much to improve my mood, but I didn't feel as though I was going to throw my bed through the window anymore. 

Fluttershy had curled up a little and was half hidden behind her mane, something that drained all of the anger out of me and replaced it with the same empty feeling that I had since my talk with Apple Bloom. I hated scaring the ponies around me, but I wasn't sure how else to feel. I hated that I could only feel anger if I wanted to fee something other than empty. I put my hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry for getting mad there, Fluttershy. I didn't..." I shook my head and went to go sit back down on my bed. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," Fluttershy whispered. She looked at me through her mane. "You're feeling sad, so I don't mind that you're feeling a little angry too."

"Yeah." I leaned back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. "I'm just... I'm just wondering when things are going to go right for me, you know? It seems like every time I start to feel happy here something goes wrong that ruins it for me. One step forward, two steps back. I get a good friend? Boom. A love poison potentially irreparably damages our friendship."

"We're your friends too, TD," Fluttershy mumbled. She poked her head out of her mane. "We want to be there to support you too."

"I know, but..." I groaned and ran a hand through my hair. "Cloud Kicker was my best friend before all of this happened. Heck, she's the closest thing to one of my friends back home on Earth. Now that's over."

"It doesn't have to be over, TD," said Fluttershy. "It--"

"If you're saying that it could possibly go back to the way that it was before just stop right there." I sat back up and, despite my best instincts telling me not to, I glared at her. "It can never go back to the way that it was before. If you and Rainbow Dash woke up tomorrow married, how would you react?" 

"Twilight and Rarity had to go through that," said Fluttershy quietly. "They're just as scared and confused as you are."

Yeah, that's right. Twilight and Rarity did get it, didn't they? I grimaced and shook my head. "How are they doing, by the way? They didn't... I mean, it's going to be easy to get it annulled, right?"

Fluttershy slowly nodded. "Yeah, they didn't mate." She stood up from her chair and walked over to me, putting her hoof on one of my arms. "I know that they'd be happy to talk to you about it. I didn't have it happen to me, so I can only help so much. I know they'd appreciate talking to you about it too. You can help each other." 

I took a deep breath and relished in the heavy exhale. It did feel a tad cleansing. Yeah, Fluttershy was right, though. Talking to somebody who had actually been through would help, and if I could help them though it then maybe I could make them feel a little better too. That might help my mood too. I glanced down at Fluttershy and slowly nodded. "Yeah. Maybe that's a good idea."


*  *  *  *


We reached the library after a few minutes of walking. Fluttershy and I didn't really say much to each other. I guess that the dower mood of the town didn't really incite the need to talk between the two of us. Nobody else we passed really seemed to be in the mood to chat anyway. 

Fluttershy knocked on Twilight's door and she opened it after a few seconds. I could tell that Twilight had been hit hard by what had happened too. Her face was streaked with tears, and her eyes were baggy and bloodshot as if she had not slept in days. She looked up at me and closed her eyes. "You too, huh?"

"Yeah," I muttered. "Cloud Kicker." 

Twilight scoffed and flattened her ears. "That's just... that's just great."

I glanced behind Twilight and saw a golden band on the table, just large enough to slip around a unicorn's horn. I bit the inside of my lip. "You and Rarity, huh?"

Twilight sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Yeah. We didn't do anything, though. I just woke up in my bed and her forelegs were..." Twilight's lower jaw began trembling and her eyes became wet, "wrapped around me. I had never had a pony that close to me in that way before, so..." Twilight's gaze fell to the floor. "I don't even know."

"Same thing pretty much happened to me," I muttered. Twilight nodded and stepped aside to let the two of us into the library. I sat down on the floor and rubbed one of my temples. "Last thing I remember was eating one of the apples with Cloud Kicker."

"Same here," Twilight muttered. The two ponies sat down and Fluttershy wrapped one of her wings around Twilight's shoulders. "Rarity was heartbroken. I think we might have done some kissing or something like that."

"Cloud and I did."

Twilight visibly flinched at that news. She grimaced and sighed. "Yeah. Sweetie Belle has to be absolutely distraught about all of this. She's a good filly; she didn't want to hurt Big Mac and Cheerilee with that love potion. Now that it's affected her older sister..." 

"Apple Bloom was pretty beat up about it." I rubbed the back of my neck. "I talked with her a little. I hope it did a little good."

"Yeah." Twilight looked sadly out the window. "I talked a bit with Princess Celestia about it. She said that she'd come down to help however she could. She should be here any minute, really."

I quickly inhaled as my stomach tied itself into a million knots. I shot up and stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed at Twilight. "Celestia is coming here?"

As if on cue the door to the library opened and the object of our conversation walked in. My breathing quickened and I began backing away, but Celestia only had eyes for Twilight. She rushed over to her and swept her up in a winged hug, gently nuzzling her as she did. 

Not the pony I wanted to see right now. 

She was here for Twilight, but I just couldn't deal with her right in front of me. Still, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get my legs to move. I wanted to run out of the library and as far away from Celestia as I could, but my freaking legs just did not want to listen to me. I just stood there and watched as Celestia whispered comforting words into her weeping student's ears. 

It was a full five minutes before she even figured out that I was in the room too. She must have heard my breathing, and she looked up at me. That really didn't improve anything. I liked it better when she didn't know I was here. She sighed and folded her wings, allowing Fluttershy to cradle Twilight. "It happened to you too."

She stood up, but I extended a hand. "Don't you freaking come near me!"

Celestia's brow creased into a small frown. "TD, surely you do not think that I had anything to do with this."

"Don't you take one more step!" I snarled. I felt tears well up in my eyes; something that was odd to me. I didn't even cry when Celestia told me that I could never go back home, but now I was going to start crying? I gritted my teeth and wiped my eyes. "I don't freaking want to talk to you. Not now, not ever!" 

"TD, I understand that this is hard for you, but please do not take this out on me." She extended her hoof slightly. "I would like nothing more than to help you."

"Hey, based on your track record if you help me I'll end up married to all of Ponyville!" I snapped. I silently cursed my emotions as I had to wipe my eyes again. "Every single bad thing that has happened to me since I have gotten here has been your fault!" 

With a scream of emotional agony, I flipped the table over and slammed it into the floor. The ring that had been resting on it rolled off, and came to a rest right in front of Twilight. She flinched back at the sight of it like it was a venomous snake, poised to strike. I felt bad for it, but I didn't really care at that moment. 

"Why couldn't you have just freaking let that car splatter me over the pavement?!" My glare intensified and I took one threatening step towards Celestia. My fist subconsciously balled. "Because honestly? That would be much better than this! I had a truly great friend that I could really connect to for the first time since I got here, and now that's gone! I'm back at square one! If you had just watched me die, I wouldn't be feeling. This. Freaking..." 

I instinctively pulled my fist back, aiming right for Celestia's horn. Maybe if I landed a solid enough blow there I could hurt her for once. But... I couldn't do it. I looked into her eyes for the briefest of moments and saw the sadness and pain behind the even expression she wore. I exhaled with a whimper and lowered my fist as the fire inside of me died. I involuntarily sobbed and collapsed onto the floor, lying on my back. I didn't want to cry in front of Celestia of all ponies. Showing weakness like that in front of her wasn't something that I needed right now. I wanted things to go back to the way that they were before; back when I actually had a truly great friend that I could just relax around for the first time since I got here. 

But that was gone now. Things wouldn't go back to the way that they were before. I could only lie on the ground in front of Celestia and gather enough brainpower to utter a single word. 

"... Helpless."
> Platonic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I rested my head on the table and stared at the wall while Blossomforth had me in a wing-hug. She had come over the moment that she knew that I was one of the ponies who had been affected by the love poison incident. Neither she nor Derpy had been involved, thank Shadow. 

I took a deep breath and leaned into Blossom, allowing her to cradle me with her other wing. "I don't want to ask if you're okay, but can I do anything to help?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm not even sure what would help at this point."

"I'm sorry," Blossom muttered. "I know that he was your friend."

"Yeah." I closed my eyes and facehooved. "Honestly, though, it was more than that. It was my strongest platonic relationship with somebody that I didn't accidentally disembowel when we were foals." I gave an unamused snort. "So you can imagine why I'd enjoy his company."

"So you never even thought about banging him when you hung out?" 

I shrugged. "Sure I thought about it, but not seriously. As a matter of fact..." I pulled away from Blossom and looked out the window in the direction of TD's house. "I'm not sure I would have banged him, even if he had asked."

Blossom frowned and cocked her head. "Really? That seems a little uncharacteristic of you."

I shot Blossom a slight glare. "Oh come on, you know there's more to me than just banging." I sighed and leaned my head against my forelegs. "Look... banging is awesome. I'm never going to get tired of it, and it’s always something that I'm going to try to enjoy with other ponies. It shows that I love them." A shadow of my old confident smile returned. "And there is a lot of Cloud Kicker love to go around."

Blossom rolled her eyes, but allowed me to continue. My smile faded and I shook my head. "Having said all of that, I'm not going to deny that there can be complications to it. Some ponies get the wrong idea about it, some ponies want me all to themselves, and so on." I glanced over at Blossom. "Look, I know you care for me too, and I know you are always there for me, but it was kinda nice to have a relationship where banging was never on the table for either of us." I snorted, and this time there was a hint of amusement behind it. "The Gala aside, obviously."

Blossom copied my snort. "Obviously."

"But once our relationship got established, it was kinda nice having a friend that I could just meet for drinks every Friday where banging never crossed either of our minds." I ran a hoof through my mane as the events of that morning crossed my mind. "Look, a big part of why we established that early on was the fact that he's not attracted to ponies. I get that. He's attracted to his own species. When I saw the look on his face when we discovered the rings and the marriage certificate on top of the fact that he had to deal with the fact that we made out..." I shook my head. "He looked kinda scared. Really scared, actually." 

"I can understand why he'd be feeling that," Blossom admitted. "Waking up married to somepony would be pretty shocking and terrifying if it happened randomly like that."

I groaned and rubbed my temples. Huh, I guess we was rubbing off on me a little bit with that. "Technically I am still married to him. I'm legally still Mrs. Cloud Powell."

Blossom flinched back at that. Given that her crush on me had recently come to light on top of the fact that she was starting to butt heads a little with Derpy meant that it couldn't have been easy for her to hear that. She was hoping that she'd get me, and here I am married to a friend who didn't want it to happen any more than I did. 

In fact, I think that the love triangle that I was currently going through was a big reason that TD and I had bonded so quickly, though I would never tell Blossomforth that. We both had huge problems that we were going through, and we would just hang out for a night and either rant about our problems or just completely forget them altogether for a few precious hours. Rainbow Dash was definitely a platonic friend, but if you ever tried to sit her down and have a conversation about your feelings with her, you'd find out that, despite her best efforts, she wouldn't really give advice that you could use very often. Sure, bluntness worked some of the time, but it wasn't something that worked in every situation, and Rainbow Dash didn't really understand that. 

"Well, at least you didn't actually bang, right?"

I nodded and traced my hoof around the table. "Yeah. Ninety-nine percent sure."

Blossom raised an eyebrow. "Wait, Ninety-Nine?"

"Yeah." I rested my face on the table. "He woke up fully clothed, so that's a pretty good sign that we didn't, but frankly with me I can't be completely sure, and I think that he knows that."

"Which would just make this whole thing worse for both of you," Blossom guessed.

"Yeah." I started tracing the table with my hoof again. "Yeah it would. If we banged, it would destroy everything that the two of us found special about our relationship. On top of that, he's already kinda got an eye on a mare."

Blossom frowned and cocked her head. "Wait, really? I thought you said he wasn't attracted to ponies."

"You can love somebody and not be physically attracted to them." I raised my head and looked Blossom in the eye. "And I'm not talking about family either. I know it's not something that I've ever really had, but I can at least understand the idea behind that. I think that TD has those kinds of feelings for..." I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Well, I think I'd be betraying his trust if I said who it was."

"Makes sense." Blossom folded her forelegs over her chest. "Does she love him like that?"

I shrugged. "I can't say for sure, but I know that if they ever did take it somewhere then him and me being married would definitely have a negative impact on their relationship. Sure it would be accidental, but..." I scoffed. "How much do you wanna bet that Rarity and Applejack's relationship is going to drastically change now that Rarity has been married to another mare?"

Blossom grimaced and flattened her ears. "Good point." 

"I mean, I doubt that the Elements of Harmony are going to break up or Applejack isn't going to want to be with Rarity anymore, but it's kind of hard to casually hang out with your ex-wife." 

I tapped my hoof on the table. "I just... I'm not sure what to do."


*  *  *  *


That Friday saw TD and I sitting in the Blue Moon bar again. We had pretty much avoided each other that week, but we had both talked for a few minutes and decided that we should at least try to make things normal again on the suggestions of Twilight and Blossomforth. 

Our marriage, and the marriage of everypony else, had been annulled within a few days, so I was officially TD's ex-wife. Yep. Back to Cloud Kicker. I had decided against telling Mom or Alula about it. Alula wouldn't really understand, and I'm not sure I could stomach the idea of telling my mom that I had accidentally gotten married. That would generate all kinds of conversations that I did not want to have. 

Of course, I wasn't sure I was ready to have those kinds of conversations with TD. Not sure he was either. The two of us were just sitting across from each other, sipping our cider and not saying a word. We hardly made eye contact the entire time. I knew that both of us wanted to say something, but neither of us really knew how to start off a pretty heavy conversation. Occasionally one of us would half open our mouths as if we wanted to say something, but the words died in our throats every time. 

Yeah, it wasn't going to work tonight, and both of us knew it. No doubt that we'd have a conversation about this very soon, but neither of us felt that the time and place where we used to relax around each other was the time and place. We gave each other subtle nods, he tossed a few bits on the table, then walked out the door.
> Friendship is Magic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry, I just... I've had a bad day."

I ran a hand through my hair and took a deep breath while Twilight and Rarity gave me looks of sympathy. I had just gotten done ranting about everything that had happened to me in the past few days. Yeah, they knew, they went through it themselves, after all, but it was nice to have somebody to rant to. 

I sighed and rubbed my temples. "How did you do it? I mean, I can't imagine that nothing has changed at all, but how did you guys handle what happened?"

The two of them exchanged an uneasy look before turning back to me. "Well, it wasn't exactly easy," said Rarity, "and I wouldn't exactly say that we've completely gotten over it yet."

Twilight nodded in response. "Yeah, and to be honest, it's not like nothing is going to change." Twilight and Rarity exchanged a brief, awkward sideways glance. "We're still good friends, TD. What we've gone through... well, something like this isn't going to weaken our friendship. If anything it's going to strengthen it. It's just going to take it in a slightly different direction than it would have gone otherwise, I think." 

"We understand what you're going through, TD," Rarity agreed. "Yes, technically the only thing that really said that we were married was a piece of paper, but I think the worst part for us was the fact that we weren't in control and could have gone a lot farther."

"But you didn't," I muttered. "Cloud Kicker and I did. We made out and, honestly, can't be completely sure that that's not all we did. It's unlikely that we had sex, but the mere fact that it's still a possibility is really freaking me out, you know?" I sighed and thunked my head against the wall. "I mean, I do have a pony that I would go out with, and did kind of think about asking out. I know she'd understand, but I'd feel awkward asking her out for a long time." 

"Well nopony expects you to recover right away, darling," said Rarity. "However..." Rarity pursed her lips and poked at her mane. "I think the proper way to get started is to talk to Cloud Kicker. I mean really have a deep heart-to-heart conversation with her about what happened. This avoiding each other isn't helping anypony, TD." 

I bit my lip and uneasily scratched the back of my neck. "Well it's still a little--"

"Awkward, yes I know," said Rarity with a wave of her hoof. "But TD, how do you think that Twilight and I would have helped each other along if we hadn't interacted and talked about how we were feeling?" Rarity gave me a sympathetic smile and put a hoof on my leg. "I know you're not exactly the type of being that talks about his feelings all day, TD, and..." Rarity rolled her eyes. "Neither is Cloud Kicker, really, but I know that you will both do it if you feel that you need to. Right now, I think that you need to." 

"Well..."

"You want to preserve your friendship, correct?" 

"Of course I do!" I straightened up and crossed my arms. "I mean, she's been my best friend since I've gotten here. Teaching the kids is nice and all, but it's really good to have somebody my age to talk to about life and connect with that way." I grimaced and deeply exhaled. "That's what Cloud Kicker was for me."

Twilight gave me a sad smile of her own and took a step towards me. "TD, if I've learned anything during my time here in Ponyville, it's that friendships are worth fighting for. Your friendship with Cloud Kicker is important to you. Don't you think that it's worth fighting for?" 

I sighed and rubbed my temples. I knew they were right. They had been at this sort of thing longer than I had. Not that I hadn't been making friends until I came to Ponyville, but things of this scale and weight were something that they had more experience dealing with. At this point I really had nothing else to lose. She didn't either, really. I slowly nodded and stood up. "Okay. Let's talk."


*  *  *  *


So there we were. Cloud Kicker and I were sitting in the library for our talk. Nobody else was in the room with us, which I think we were both grateful for. We didn't need anybody else chiming in on our conversation, no matter how well-meaning their comments would be. 

I took a deep breath. We had to get it started at some point, so now would be as good a time as any. "So let's just say it: it's never going to be the same again."

Cloud Kicker snorted and rolled her eyes. "You think? I had thought that was something we had already established, TD. I guess what we have to think about now is what exactly that means." She flattened her ears and looked sadly at me. "It's not over, is it?"

I widened my eyes and shook my head. "What? No! I don't want it to be over. I want to go back to our Friday drinking days where we talk and laugh and rant about life. No offense to Twilight and Co, but I can't exactly do that with any of them."

"So then do we...?" Cloud Kicker spun her hoof. "What exactly? I mean, we can't just forget about this, right?"

"Nope, and that's what's bothering me." I rubbed my temples and tried to think of what to say next. Truth be told, I was hoping for some magic cure-all set of words that would restore our relationship to what it was, but I couldn't think of anything. All I could really think to say was... "It'll never be the same." I looked up at her. "Yeah, two completely platonic friends got physically intimate and married because of something completely out of their control. Heck, it could have happened to any one of us. I could be having this conversation with Rainbow Dash right now, or something."

Cloud Kicker, despite the situation, smirked and chuckled quietly. "I can't imagine having a long heart-to-heart with Rainbow Dash, but I see your point."

"Yeah." I scratched the back of my head and cracked my neck to ease some of the tension I was feeling. "I guess the best thing to do to repair our relationship to the point to where we can get it back to what it used to be is talk about what is weirding us out. If we can do that, we can move past it, right?" Cloud Kicker nodded, and I returned it. "Okay. Well, I guess I can start. I think that what freaks me out the most is the fact that we did what we did and we weren't in control of anything. What's especially disturbing me is the fact that what we did when we weren't in control is exactly what we agreed we weren't going to do, and had built our relationship on confident that we weren't going to do..." I shrugged. "If that makes sense. A big draw for us was that we didn't have to do anything physical, then the first thing we do when we're not in control is something physical."

"Sounds like my perspective too," Cloud Kicker muttered. "I know you've heard me talk about all of the horseapples going on with my love life, Having a friend who isn't even remotely interested in that kind of thing that I can actually rant to?" She scoffed quietly and crossed her forelegs. "I needed that."

"And I needed a friend who I could connect to." I looked out in the direction of the Ponyville schoolhouse. "The kids are great, but a friend my age who I can connect to is something that I need, especially since I'm stuck here forever. We've already established that we're not going to stop being friends..." I frowned as a thought struck me. "Are we being dumb, stretching this out like this?"

Cloud Kicker titled her head. "What do you mean?"

"Well, what I mean is, we're being really dramatic about this whole thing, but... do we have to be? Yeah, this sucks, and I'm not downplaying the nature of what happened to us, but are we taking it too far?"

"So are you saying that we should just forget about it and move on?"

I shrug. "Not 'forget' per se, of course we can't do that, but let's be honest, we can't keep moping about this forever, right?" I looked at the ceiling thoughtfully and tapped my chin. "We both need a friend who we can rant to about stuff, right?" She nodded. "Isn't that exactly what we've been doing?" 

Cloud Kicker blinked a few times and her jaw dropped slightly. "Is it?" 

"I think so." I shrugged. "Put a cider in our hands and this is roughly the same sort of thing that we've been doing since we became friends. I mean, we both have a problem that is bothering us, and we both need somebody to rant to, so..." I motioned to the both of us. "Let's rant."

Cloud Kicker seemed confused by my idea for a few seconds, but a small smile crossed her face and she slowly nodded. "Okay. I'll start." She cleared her throat. "I hate the fact that nothing in my life seems to be going right right now. I mean, I get a good friend who is everything that I want in a platonic friend, then I'm worried that I'm going to lose it forever because of something outside of my control?! How unfair is that?!"

I snorted and rolled my eyes dramatically. "Yeah, well, welcome to my world. I got torn from all I knew and loved forever and I had to worry about losing my ideal platonic friend too. She was the closest thing that I had to one of my friends back home, and I'm scared that I lost that forever, just like everything else that I cared about."

"Not only that, but I made out with the guy!" Cloud Kicker groaned and facehooved. "And he wasn't even a good kisser. Believe me, I'm the kind of pony who can tell." 

I mock-glared at her and crossed my arms. "Well, I'm sure he wasn't really all that into it, or he would have tried harder."

Cloud Kicker sighed in an imitation of a person who is being condescending. "I'd like to think that, but he was under the control of a mind-altering substance at the time. We were both totally into it. He just wasn't that good." 

"Uh-huh." 

I was about to retort, but I noticed something interesting. I had a smile on my face. Like, a legitimate happy smile like the kind that I used to have when I was around Cloud Kicker and we were doing stuff like this. It made me feel that... maybe nothing much of anything had changed. Her smile seemed to indicate the same thing if I was reading it right. I chuckled and shook my head. "You know, I think we're going to be okay. The marriage is going to get annulled, and we can look back and laugh at this..." My smile turned mischievous. "Mrs. Cloud Powell." 

Cloud Kicker groaned and facehooved. "I never thought that I would ever be called that when I met you. That's another thing to rant about!" 

And rant we did. It went on for hours; the two of us just ranting and raving about everything that we were feeling about everything that had happened since we woke up married. But you know something? It felt good. It felt like maybe everything would go back to how it was before. I don't think that we would ever completely get used to it or ever really make it a running joke, but laughing and ranting about it took some of the badness away from it. 

Maybe everything wouldn't be so bad after all as long as Cloud Kicker and I could rant and complain to each other. Everybody needs a friend like that.