Discord trolls like he's never trolled before. Except all those other times when he trolled better than this time.
Discord is bored out of his skull with being good. So he's going to try being evil again! But how can he do it without getting caught? By shapeshifting into a changeling so he can shapeshift into a disguise of course! What a brilliant plan!
I’m bored. Well, actually I’m Discord, a Discord who just happens to be very, very, very bored. This is not a normal state of affairs for me, or at least it didn’t used to be. Oh no, I used to be a big bad ‘meanie-pants’ who could do whatever he wanted and have all the chaotic fun in the world. Now I’m a ‘good friend’ who isn’t allowed to do anything! I mean it’s always “No Discord you can’t turn Applejack’s trees into llamas” this or “No Discord you shouldn’t hypnotize Rainbow Dash into thinking time is moving backwards” that. No fun at all I tell you.
You see, my so called ‘friends’ lied to me, which is my job. They told me that friendship is magic. After experiencing friendship myself I realize that the truth is actually this: friendship is a contract. I’m stuck doing good for the rest of my life! Or at least Fluttershy’s life. Only after I’d committed myself did I remember why I didn’t really get into the whole ‘doing good’ thing: it’s just not nearly as interesting as being evil.
So I’ve decided, since Discord can’t be good anymore, I’ll just take a break from being Discord! That’s right; I’m going to go back to what I do best: doing my worst! Of course I won’t do too much evil; I don’t really want to invade Canterlot or the Crystal Empire or anything. Just causing a bit of a ruckus should do the trick.
But then if I can’t be Discord, who can I be? I need a form that’s chaotic and fun, but undoubtedly evil…. ah ha! How about a changeling? Think of all the mayhem I could cause changing into ponies and mucking about their business. Plus changelings’ dark colors and bug-like designs mean that as a species they’re automatically evil! Oh this is going to be so much fun!
Ok, so I drag myself out of Fluttershy’s couch, and yes I mean out of not off of. When a newly-ascended alicorn yells at you every time you so much as set one hoof outside of your friend’s house you have to find new and creative ways to crash on their couch, like settling yourself in-between its molecules. Anyway so now it’s time to do some shapeshifting. Forgive me if I’m a little rusty with this.
Well now I’m a banana… that’s not right.
Hmmm, for some reason as a donkey I feel very discriminated against.
Pika, pika pika… pika?!?!? Pika pika pikachuuuuuu!!!
I seem to have misplaced my face, but this suit is quite dashing!
Ok I got it. I’m a changeling now. I don’t really like the whole ‘faceless drone’ look changelings have going, though. So I’m going to make a couple changes. Let’s see here, I’ll stretch the legs to make myself a little bit taller, add a wispy grey mane-thing, make myself a stallion (how’d I miss that?), and finally the most important piece: making one tooth longer than the other. Hey I have to maintain some consistency when I shapeshift, it’s in the villain’s handbook I just made up!
Let me tell you, it feels like such a relief to be a villain again. I mean, as a changeling I’m not nearly as powerful, and I intend to be more of a comic-relief villain, but it’s still so relieving. It’s like itching that scratch that’s been bugging you all millennia but you haven’t been able to do so because you’re busy being stone. I know we’ve all been there. Now all I need is an evil scheme… and I think I have just what the doctor ordered.
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“Hey, come buy some oranges!”
Hmmmm, all these ponies are giving me weird looks. Oh right! I forgot the accent! Silly me.
“*cough* I mean, boy howdy how ‘bout y’all come an’ buy some o’ dese traditional Apple family oranges sugarcubes! Rodeo! Howdy!”
Flawless Discord, flawless.
I suppose I should probably clue you guys in, considering I just did a scene transition and all. I am currently Discord disguised as a changeling disguised as Applejack. I’m manning (or would that be mareing?) her stall in the middle of Ponyville’s market. I’m selling a bunch of oranges for ridiculously inflated prices. There are a lot of ponies around. And my favorite color is pineapple. Can I go back to messing with everypony now? Giving descriptions is pretty boring.
Hey look! A wild Rainbow Dash appears! Geodude, I choose you!
“OW! Why the hay did you throw a rock at my face AJ?” she says, though I kind of wish she’d hummed, “And more importantly, what in Celestia’s name are you doing selling oranges?!”
“Now why would y’all ask a silly question like that Rainbow? Oranges are the greatest fruit in all of Equestria!” I hum. I then realize after a couple moments of Rainbow Dash giving me an odd look that ponies can’t understand humming and quickly repeat myself in words. Even though I know she understands what I just said she’s still giving me that weird look and rubbing her head like she’s confused. Or perhaps she’s just rubbing the bruise on her head from the rock I just threw at her.
“Are you feeling alright AJ?” she asks me.
“Sure! Ah feel as good as a ‘hog in a catfood factory!” I say. Man I’m good at this disguise stuff.
“Ok then AJ… well um… I kind of have to… uh… file my mane! Yeah… Kthanksgottogobye!” she says as she shoots off into the sky. Well that was really rude of her. I mean, sure I’m evil, but I’d never run off in the middle of a conversation.
Wait, a new challenger approaches! Some mare with a cream-colored coat and a… oh to the Canterlot sculpture gardens with it, it's this one. I think her name was Octavia or something. She appears to want to make a purchase.
“Hey Applejack! Can I have a dozen apples please?” she says. Called it, you all owe me 5 bits.
“Now why would Ah have any apples sugarcube? Those done taste like sandpaper. Ah got’s me some delicious oranges right here, if’n you be want’n some.” Ah says. Oh dang, now I’m doing the accent in my narration too. The damn thing’s infectious!
“Ummm, but aren’t you Applejack, so shouldn’t you be selling apples?” she asks.
Unfortunately I’m unable to give an appropriately witty reply as I’m distracted by my new changeling biology. You see, in my natural form I don’t get hungry like most creatures do, so I sometimes forget to eat when I shapeshift. Because of this, I’m what most would call “starving”. Now what was it that changelings ate again? Tofu? Coolness? First-born children? Oh right, love! But how to get love? Hmmmmmmm… ah ha!
I jump over the counter and knock my customer flat onto her back. I stand over her and slam my mouth into hers in a passionate display of lesbian affection. Also I’m wearing socks now… just cause. Mmmmmmm her lust sure tastes gooooood. I think some more description just might be in order here…
“What in the hay?!?” the real Applejack yells from across the marketplace, interrupting my snack time. Now THAT is rude, I really need all I can get! I’m so skinny you can practically see right through me (cue vaudeville drums)!
Ok now she’s coming towards me all mad. Time to make a great escape (complete with evil laugh), meet you all back at Fluttershy’s couch!
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So here I am again, back on my spot on the couch. I managed to loose Applejack in the crowd of ponies who had been watching the entire scene (I hadn’t described them or their reactions because they’re not important or funny). So as not to cause suspicion from my landlord I have taken on the ingenious changeling disguise of Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony. I just hope my acting skills will be up to the test of playing such a complex and handsome character.
This whole being an evil changeling shtick is pretty fun! There are all sorts of things I could do, like pretend to be Pinkie Pie and make sense. That would freak everypony out! Hmmm, so many possibilities… oh I’ve got an idea!
Well aren’t you all a dastardly bunch! I straight up tell you I plan on tormenting all your favorite little ponies and you all are like “That’s awesome! Here’s some evil suggestions, go nuts.” No “Oh no Discord! Don’t hurt them!” or “I knew they should have kept you in stone where you belong!” not a single one. You’re all wicked little... things aren’t you?
I think we’re going to get along just fine!
Now let’s dig into your suggestions, shall we? Hmmm, CometandAqua wants me to keep making Pokemon references. I suppose she doesn’t realize that when you overuse a joke it’s not very effective (cue vaudeville drums). Blastdragon wants me to pretend to be a new visitor to Ponyville 50 different times and then watch as Pinkie Pie slowly loses her grip on sanity. While I applaud your efforts at attempting to replicate Cupcakes, I’ve been in Ponyville long enough to realize that this just won’t work. Did you know we have a new princess in town? Do you know how many ponies come to see her every day? Let me tell you, it certainly exceeds 50. And Pinkie throws a party for all of them.
EVERY
SINGLE
ONE
This has actually become a serious problem for Ponyville’s economy because everypony is so busy going to the near-constant parties to actually do their jobs. It’s become such a problem that Princess Twilight Sparkle has actually started sneaking ponies who want to see her into Ponyville in the middle of the night. She’s recently contracted a secret underground tunnel to be built for this express purpose. Cheesypower (you all have really odd names) says that I should turn into Prince Blueblood and vandalise Ponyville. This would be a great idea if Blueblood hadn’t been banished from Ponyville for insisting that the whole populous willingly become servants to the new princess (not quite the sharpest spoon in the yogurt that one). Not much point in putting on a disguise that’s just going to get me arrested on sight.
GoWeegee says that I should pretend to be Derpy with a PhD graduate in theoretical physics. I would do this, but me and Physics kind of had a falling out after I dumped her a couple millennia ago. I mean, the relationship was good while it lasted, but she just kept holding me down with all her “laws”. Quite a control freak that one. Such a hypocrite too, I mean just a few swigs of quantum entanglement and she becomes the life of the party. Last I heard she was in a pretty stable relationship with Botany. Shadow the Devil Pony has gone above and beyond the line of duty and thought of an eeeevvviiillll changeling name for me: Deranged! I’m so pleased with this that not only does he get the distinction of being my #1 evil minion, but I shall use his suggestion for today’s evil plan! I have always wanted to be a princess...
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“Oh hey Twilight! I thought you were going to be at Town Hall all day dealing with all the ponies you snuck in last night.”
“YOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE KNAVE!!”
Oh, right, context. So I just walked into Twilight’s library, there are books everywhere, yadda, yadda, yadda. Her little dragon friend, Spike, appears to be the only one here. I’m disguised as the purple princess herself, complete with full royal regalia. Spike is wearing a *snicker* cutsie-wootsie apron with a widdle heart on it. Oh also I’m using the royal canterlot voice, because I don’t think princesses can yell any other way.
“Um, ok ‘Prettyful Princess Twilight Sparkle’. So did you finish with your court early today or something?” Spike asks me.
“THOSE FOOLISH MORTALS WERE NOT WORTH THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S TIME!” I reply. I survey the room and am displeased by the lack of a throne that I might place my royal hindquarters on, this shall not do! I fire up my magic to summon one and... you must construct additional pylons. Dammit! I should have been keeping better track of my supply. “DRAGON SLAVE! I COMMAND THEE TO CONSTRUCT FOR THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE ADDITIONAL PYLONS SO THAT SHE MIGHT SUMMON A THRONE TO PLACE THE ROYAL HINDQUARTERS ON!”
“Right away Twiligh...”
“WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT ADDRESSING THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE?”
“Right away Prettyful Princess Twilight Sparkle!” Spike says before running off into another room. A second later he comes running back in like the little idiot that he is, “Ummm, what’s a pylon?”
“UGH, THOU ARE USELESS AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A FAX MACHINE. PLEASE TAKE A LETTER FOR THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE.” I say. Twilight would be better off with a probe as her assistant. Spike walks over to Twilight’s writing desk and picks up a piece of parchment and a quill. “DEAR PRINCESS CELESTIA. I DEMAND ANOTHER ASSISTANT, THIS ONE IS DEFECTIVE AND WE'RE SENDING HIM TO THE MOON. ALSO YOU’RE FAT. WITH LOTS OF LOVE, THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE.”
Spike, being the nimrod that he is, doesn’t actually process what I just had him write and sends it off to Celestia with a big goofy smile on his face. It seems somedragon is holding the idiot ball this chapter. Slowly his grin slips away as he realizes what he just wrote. “Wait don...” I don’t get to hear the rest of his exclamation because I just finished the spell that sends him to the moon. Wow, I’m getting pretty good at this whole princess thing! Celestia would be proud.
Oh don’t look at me like that, he’s a dragon! They can survive anything! Also what part of Discord Turns Himself Into a Changeling and then Does Evil Things do you not understand? So don’t you all pretend you’re on a moral high ground.
Well, now what do I do? There’s nopony else here to mess with anymore. Well this is a library, so I might as well enjoy myself with some light reading... and by reading I mean getting out a giant stamp that says PROPERTY OF THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE and stamping it on the cover of every book. That counts as “reading” right? I’ll just timeskip until after I’m done
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There! Every single book claimed for the narcissistic monarchy! Twilight should really thank me for this. But now I’m sooooooo huuunnngggrrrryyyyy. Maybe I should have kept Spike around for a snack. Wait, would that be incestuous? I mean, Twilight is kind of Spike’s adopted mother. But I’m not actually Twilight. A better question is do I actually care? Nope! Wait, I hear a knock at the door, time to get back into character.
“WHO WISHES TO SPEAK TO THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND FOR WHAT PURPOSE?” I ask as I open the door to reveal the same mare I snacked on yesterday, Vinyl Scratch I think.
“Oh princess! I thought you were at Town Hall! Well I kind of wanted to ask if I could check out a book on relationship advice. You see yesterday something weird happened and...”
“THOU TALKITH TOO MUCH! THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE DEMANDS THAT YOU SWAP SPIT WITH HER!” I interrupt the mare before pouncing on her, causing her to once again land flat on her back with me on top of her. True to my word I start passionately snogging her. Unfortunately she is too busy being frozen in shock to be a very receptive lover. She still tastes extremely good to my changeling biology though and I am quite satisfied.
“THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS, BUT SHE HAS HAD BETTER. PERHAPS IF YOU IMPROVE ON YOUR SKILLS YOU MIGHT ONE DAY JOIN THE ROYAL HAREM!” I say, swaying a little bit as I get up off of my dinner. Is this what being love drunk feels like? Or maybe I’m just love tipsy. Either way I kinda feel like just going back to Fluttershy’s and passing out underneath the couch. “THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE MUST NOW DEPART. ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR EVENING MORTAL.” I say as I fly off into the sunset... upside down. Ehh, close enough.
I wonder what sort of evil things I’m going to do tomorrow? Oh who am I kidding, I’m too lazy to think of ideas. Minions! Tell me what evil I should do next!
