The Only Chapter
"SAXTON HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!"
Saxton Hale, C.E.O of Mann Co (the world's number one source for hats and hat accessories) and overall MAN, fell through the skylight, the glass shattering and the people below covering themselves to keep from being decorated by wayward shards. He landed on his feet, standing to his massive full height. The muscular Australian was adorned with naught but a pair of short shorts and a pair of shorter boots. Pieces of glass stuck from his flesh, but if he noticed, he certainly did not acknowledge them.(*)
"Well, that was... interestin'..."
"Interesting? I do that every Tuesday! Interesting is the hippies I beat up in the chopper!" Said Saxton, with no shortage of pride and gusto.
"Those were the chopper pilots. That's why the chopper fell out of control. They're most likely dead." Said a young woman in a purple dress shirt, a pair of glasses, and plain business pants.
"Well they took punches like hippies!"
"They were trained military me-- never mind, let's continue, shall we?" Said Miss Pauling.
"Right! What'd the eggheads come up with t'day?"
Miss Pauling turned to face the nearby Engineer; he wore a blue shirt with darker blue overalls, a hardhat covering what Saxton knew to be a chrome dome, and a glove that Saxton was sure was meant to keep the poor, less-powerful Texan's fragile little wrenching hand from getting scratched. Either that or a freaky, mad-science related mechanical replacement, but he was willing to put money on the first.
"Whatcha got for us t'day Egghead?"
The Engineer scowled. "Y'all can call me Dell, Mister Hale... Dell Conagher..."
"Aw, did I upset you? Here, have a bear claw!" From seemingly nowhere, Saxton produced a bear claw - just to elaborate, we're not talking about the pastry. He handed the Engineer a literal Bear's Hand, which, judging by the mess of muscle tissue, was forcibly removed from the bear involved. The process was not quick, it was not pleasant.
Dell took hold of the claw, a look of confusion etched onto his face. "Uh... thank ya kindly... Mister Hale..." Unsure of what to do with said bear claw, the engineer simply set it on a nearby table. "As for what we've got... it's a little project I had been workin' on at the commission of your company."
"And what’s it do? If it materializes hippies for at-my-leisure throttling, I feel it fair to warn you, I enjoy the thrill of the hunt!"
"Uh... no..." Said Dell, rubbing his forehead. "It's an interdimensional rift-maker."
"That sounds like hippie talk to me, Mr. Cone-egghead!"
"Conagher."
"Gesundheit!"
The Engineer mustered all of his patience to continue his presentation. "It makes portals. To other dimensions."
Saxton nodded, rubbing his chin, seemingly deep in thought as he analyzed the machine. The base of it resembled a giant ring surrounding one of the engineer's teleporters, but from it was a second ring, big enough to fit even a man of Saxton's impressive height in. Various wires and cords snaked around the room to power outlets; he had heard turning the thing on could potentially black out the entire city. He only hoped that if something came into our world, it put up a better fight than a bear.
"Alright, let's test this baby out!" Without another word, Saxton Hale stepped onto the device. "Get my trophy cases ready! I'm gonna find the biggest thing I can, kill it, and bring its head back!"
Dell winced. "Uh, Mister Hale, it hasn't been-"
"It's quite alright, Mister Conagher... " Interrupted Miss Pauling. "... The testing done on the monkeys has proven positive, and at least half of them came back in one piece, and only the first half of those looked like the damage done had anything to do with teleport mishaps..."
Dell shrugged. "Alrighty then..." With that, he reached into a drawer and pulled out a small wrist-watch device, slapping it around Saxton's wrist.
"What's this doohickey for, Doc?" said Saxton, examining the device.
"That's the beacon. If'n y'all need t' come back anytime, pushing that button will do the job. It also helps if I gotta pull you back for whatever reason." With that, Dell stepped towards the nearby control panel and placed a hand over a lever. "Y'all ready?"
"Ready whenever you are, Delilah!"
The Engineer scowled and pulled on the lever. The teleporter began to swirl, as was common for those machines. Suddenly, a hum filled the room, and the lights began to dim significantly as the ring surrounding Saxton began to spark to life. As electricity flowed back and forth between the machine and a seemingly unimpressed Saxton, a sudden bright blue flash filled the room. When it faded, so did the power.
"... Did it work?" Said Miss Pauling.
Suddenly, all the lights came back on. Sure enough, Saxton Hale was no longer standing in his place on the teleporter; without an announcement of some sort (to either beat up hippies or fight a gorilla) they were certain that Saxton Hale was no longer present.
"... Tell me, Mister Conagher... any idea where that portal sent him to?"
Dell grinned. "Haven't the foggiest. It charges through time, space, and reality. He could be in the past, the future, another reality, another planet... he could even be next door."
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Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, I learned that as fun as it can be to spend time with friends, one should never give in to peer pressure. After just a few drinks of Applejack's hard apple cider, I wound up blacking out and doing a bunch of crazy things that I wouldn't even know about without some good, old fashion sleuthing. Needless to say, I'm going to have to apologize to Mrs. Cake for flirting with her husb
A loud crack, almost as if the sound of thunder, interrupted Twilight's thoughts and sent her jumping higher than Pinkie Pie after seeing somepony new in Ponyville. Landing on her back, she clutched her chest with a hoof, feeling her heart race a thousand miles a minute. She slowly gathered herself up and looked out the window, curious as to what the sound was. It had sounded rather distant; calculating in her head, she came to the conclusion that it had been somewhere in the heart of Ponyville. She set her letter aside for the moment, fixed her mane, and yelled up the stairs. "Spike! I'm going out to investigate what that noise was!"
"Gotcha!" shouted Spike in return. He, too, had been scared by the noise; and he was just having a particularly juicy dream about Rarity too. Twilight opened the door to the library and took a step out, closing it gently behind her. She began a quick gallop towards the source of the sound.
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"Hah! Technicolor ponies everywhere!"
Saxton stood in the middle of Ponyville square, surrounded by ponies who stared at him, slack jawed, wide-eyed, and with no end of curiosity and/or mistrust. Saxton, meanwhile, wore the same smile he always wore; one with an air of confidence, of strength, of justice.
"I haven’t eaten pony in a long time! I wonder if they can put up a good fight?"
Everypony exchanged fearful glances, and instantly, everypony scurried away, with Saxton Hale leaping heroically into the air. He immediately landed right in front of a cream-colored pony with a curly, two toned mane of blue and pink. She skidded to a halt and tried to change course, but he grabbed her by her scruff (she didn't even think ponies had those!) and lifted her up, bringing her to eye level.
"Hah! You ponies look like you'd taste sweet! Where's the nearest knife?"
Bon Bon shivered, covering her eyes with her hooves. "P-Please don't eat me!"
Saxton quirked a brow. Then, he unleashed another hardy laugh. "A TALKIN' Pony? NOW I've seen everything!"
"STOP RIGHT THERE!"
Saxton, eyebrow a-quirk once again, turned to face yet another pony; this one was purple, and had a horn sticking out of her head. "I've seen unicorns before, but I didn't know they came in pony variety!"
Twilight Sparkle growled. "Set the pony down, nice n' easy buster, or face the consequences!"
Saxton let out a hardy laugh. "HAH! I like the cut of your gib, pudgy little unicorn!"
Twilight balked. "P-Pudgy!?" She turned to look at her flank. She was always fairly certain she was of fairly average weight... although she had been staying indoors a bit more as of late. Maybe a little more exercise...? Twilight shook her head and tried to focus on the situation at hoof.
"First off, I'm not pudgy! Secondly, what's that supposed to mean!?"
Saxton set Bon Bon down, who immediately ran away. Just as quickly, Saxton had leapt towards Twilight. Yelping in surprise, Twilight's horn glowed with light, and just as Saxton reached to wrap his arm around her neck, she disappeared.
*POP!*
Saxton hummed and turned around to see Twilight staring at him in utter surprise. Once more, the large Australian let out a powerful laugh. Twilight's horn flared with eldritch power, and leaning down, she closed her eyes as she unleashed a blast of magical energy at him. It pelted against him, knocking him back several feet and crashing into a wall. Twilight looked up, wondering if she had subduded the massive, monkey-like creature.
"HA! AND IT SHOOTS LASERS!"
Saxton climbed from a pile of rubble, the only thing marking Twilight's attack was a bit of a bruise. "If you'da told me a year ago I'd be havin' fun in a world full of technicolor candy ponies, I'da called you a hippie and thrown you off a cliff!"
"Please! Stay back! Don't make me hurt you!"
Saxton laughed heartily; it is not that he disbelieved Twilight's threat. In fact, he relished in it! He sincerely hoped she could hurt him! Without another word, he crouched down, and charged towards Twilight, who squealed loudly as she began to fire a volley of magical blasts at him.
Saxton held his arms up to cover his face, the magical blasts striking him with enough force to slow him, but not halt him completely. As soon as he was close, however, he fell to one knee and put a hand on the ground. Twilight stopped, wondering if he was giving up.
It was only a split second before he leapt into the air.
"BRAVE JUMP!"
He landed immediately in front of Twilight, and wrapped his arms around her neck, lifting her up, and placing her in a choke hold. "SAY UNCLE! SAY AUSTRALIA! SAY 'I'M A DIRTY HIPPIE!"
Twilight groaned and struggled, unable to escape. Too tired from her magical assault and too unfocused to teleport, she was certain she was doomed. She had to admit surprise; she always figured she'd die in one of her experiments. A much less demeaning death than being eaten by a mad... thing. If she was going to die, she wasn't going to die crying.
"You're... a dirty hippie..."
Saxton stopped. And, for what seemed the hundredth time today, let out a loud laugh. "You've got spunk! I like that! I just hope you taste just as spicy as you act!"
Twilight couldn't help but notice her forelegs falling asleep; likely from a lack of circulation caused by the choke hold. Just as she was resigning to her fate, however, she heard a familiar voice.
"Let her go, you ruffian!"
Twilight and Saxton both turned their heads to see five ponies (and a baby dragon) sitting there, combat ready.
"Ah reckon y'all best put mah friend down b'fore things get ugly, pardner!" shouted the orange pony in a Stetson.
"Yeah! We'll mess you up big time!" shouted another, whose mane was the many colors of the rainbow, and it had wings! WINGS!
"Uhm... p-please?" spoke a second, winged pony, who seemed to be struggling between assertiveness and retreating.
Now, Saxton Hale is by no means a weak man. In fact, he was fairly certain he could take on all of the little ponies. Heck, if he didn't prefer his prey to be in top fighting condition, he could break the unicorn's neck right now and shake the rest of them up enough to make conquering them all easy pickin'.
But nor was Saxton Hale a heartless man. Sure, he beat up hippies, and he didn't have much of a soft-spot for the environment, and most living things in general. But he donated Eagles to the less fortunate, and fought sharks for charity. Okay, so that last one was more for him than it was the charity, but still.
"HAH! Well aint that cute? Alright then, no harm done!" With that, he dropped Twilight, who unceremoniously fell to her haunches. "It's all for the thrill! No hard feelings, here, have a bear claw!" Saxton produced from seemingly nowhere another bear's claw, handing it to Twilight Sparkle, who stared at it wide-eyed. A short distance away, Fluttershy simply paled, her eyes rolling into the back of her head, and fainted, falling on top of Spike.
"B-But... this... the structural and tissue damage to this bear's claw suggests forcible removal... considering your physique, I don't see how it's physically possible for you to--"
"That sounds like a lot of hippie talk!" interrupted Saxton Hale. "I'm SAXTON HALE! Man of action! What's your name, crazy, talking, laser-shooting miniature unicorn?"
Twilight blinked, focuses on the bear's claw still, trying to figure out how Saxton might have done this. "T-Twilight Sparkle..."
"That name's silly, Egghead!"
Rainbow Dash snickered to herself, earning a pointed stare from Applejack. Rainbow smiled nervously. "What?"
"But... why.... you were going to eat that pony! And then me! And... and--"
Saxton laughed. "All for the thrill! The action! The sport! Saxton Hale has yet to eat a sentient creature! Intentionally!"
Twilight balked. "Surely you noticed you were in the middle of a TOWN? And why wouldn't you think ponies were sentient!?"
Saxton shoved Twilight aside and stepped forward. "No time to explain, Egg headed pony! I must find prey before Lesly Cone-headedeggheader's portal device pulls me back!" With that, Saxton ran, full tilt, towards nowhere in particular, shouting "SAXTOOOOON HAAAAAAAAAAAALE!"
Not long after finishing his battle cry, in a bright flash of light and a loud crack, Saxton Hale disappeared.
Everypony stared at the massive burn on the ground where 'Saxton Hale' had been. Silence permeated the group before Rainbow Dash spoke up. "Twilight, did you do that?" Twilight slowly shook her head.
Slowly, Twilight came back to notice the bear's claw in her hooves. "... Wh... what am I supposed to do with this?"
"Whatever you do, darling, it's best not to let Fluttershy see it again... poor dear must be traumatized..." said Rarity, looking sadly towards the unconscious pegasus, whom Spike was busy fanning with her own tail.
Twilight looked up at her friends. "... Uhm... hey Applejack... do you still have some of that hard cider? I think I'd like to forget today."
Applejack sighed and nodded. "Everypony meet me at th' farm... Twilight, you get a one drink limit..."
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"Damn dagnabit dammit dagit nagit nabit dagit!"
The Engineer was trying to tighten various bolts and screws as the teleporter machine vibrated and shook, sparks shooting from various places, the lights in the room dimming and undimming unrhythmatically, a red light nearby buzzing, the words 'Overload' printed beneath it. Suddenly, the teleporter exploded in a blaze of fire, electricity, and shrapnel, and from the flames came none other than Saxton Hale himself, as if running. He immediately came to a stop when he noticed where he was.
"Wha? Where's the crazy laser-pony?"
Miss Pauling approached Saxton as Dell cursed and stomped, standing over the shattered remains of his project. "Uhh... laser pony, sir?"
Saxton laughed. "No matter, Miss Pauling! That universe was full of hippies! Hippy ponies! That shot lasers! I suppose you'll want me to give you all the details of my little journey?"
"Uhm, Mister Hale, we had to pull you back because the machine was malfunctioning and you could potentially have been stranded in another dimension for the rest of your life... aren’t you at least the least bit curious about--
*BEAR!*
Just then, the window shattered open as a bear fell through, noticeably missing both of its forelegs, lunging straight for Saxton, who wrapped his arms around it and wrestled its torso. "HOLD THAT THOUGHT, MISS PAULING! I LIKE THIS BEAR'S SPICE!"
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Dear Princess Celestia
I am so freaking plastered! Applejack told me one drink limit, but I got more than one drink anyway! I was gonna write a letter or something about this I think... oh wait, Spike's writing it for me! How awesome is that? So yeah. Do you think I'm fat? I think I might be fat. Rarity says I'm not fat, but then Rainbow said I just got a little extra junk in my trunk. I think I need to exercise.
And that's what I learned about Friendship this week!
Your faithful student,
Best Pony
P.S. Spike here, sorry about this, but Twilight needs to learn the hard way that she needs to pace herself with alcohol consumption. Plus, I want to see the look on her face when she realizes she drunk-wrote you a letter.
THE END
(*)If this action-packed opening doesn’t stop your adrenalin gorged heart for five entire seconds, I will send you a notarized certificate confirming YOU DO NOT EXIST!
~ Saxton Hale