Crankshaft is a Unicorn living just north of Ponyville. Read about his daily life and inventions in his diary(This is my first story so please feel free to point out grammatical errors to me and I will fix them as best I can, any other critique, be it story of character design, is very much appreciated, I am open to plot and character development suggestions)
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2480706 Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate the help. I've been looking into writing as a possible career path so its nice to get help from others.
I will try to add excitement to future chapters, I hope I will be successful. Sorry the intro was a little longwinded. Also could I ask for some pointers when writing in the third person, I tend to write in first person due to some difficulties I have writing compelling dialogue.
I only have a little bit already planned out.
I plan on having him make mostly steam driven or magitech devices.
I also agree that OC stories tend to not get many readers and thats a shame, I wrote this story because I both enjoy writing and I wanted to see if I could write something that would be entertaining to others, to "spread my wings" as it were.
Your writing style is not bad. You have good grammar and formatting. Crankshaft seems like a cool character. There are a few issues that you could address to make this even better.
You need a cover picture, even if it's only a screenshot from the show. This will draw in more viewers.
Your title is appropriate for a slice-of-life story, but it doesn't sound very exciting.
This really is just an introduction to the character, so not a lot happens in the first chapter. If you want more readers, you need to capture them right away. (I'm not saying you need to somehow cram explosions and romantic mysteries into a story about a unicorn's daily life, but something to grab the reader's attention so that he/she feels like he needs to come back for chapter two.)
Anyway, I really liked your OC character, but I don't know what to expect from later chapters. Are exciting things going to happen to him? (Also, I should warn you that I've noticed a bit of a bias against this kind of slice-of-life storytelling for OCs. I know of at least two other well-written stories in this vein that just don't get many readers. If this ends up happening to you, don't get discouraged.)
Hope my comments were at least somewhat helpful. (Want even more feedback on your work? I find participating in this group to be very helpful.) Keep writing, my friend.
Alright, I read it all, and here are my thoughts (to be noted it's just what I think and you shouldn't feel forced to change anything)
So far I'm liking it, it's the first full slice-of-lfie fic I've ever read and I'm eager to see what Crankshaft comes up with next.
Now to the writing:
I found that you keep a good pace, the only problem is repetition. You use the same words many times in a sentence, like
It's not just connectors, sometimes it's nouns as well, but these are much less frequent.
Also the conversations seem kind of off. Through the diary Crankshaft is narrating past events, but in the dialogue it seems like he is experiencing it in the moment.
I'll be following
2502732 Thank you, I will be taking your advice into account in furure chapters and I'll try to fix what I can
Also thank you for following.
A flying machine... this won't go well
I don't think Crankshaft is becoming a Mary Sue, he just interacts with the characters like he would with others, I do reccomend however for him to meet ponies that are not the mane 6, just so it doesn't lean that way.
Today I had extra time so I took an extra look at the chapter.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sjg6ZPH2_8yY8Cc26EVPs-msRfCes6pCXlw8kzYE3WQ
2507268 Don't worry, in a few chapters some more characters will be intoduced
In regards to the Flying Machine not ending well. We shall see, my friend. We shall see
Also, I fixed some of my errors on the latest chapter.