Master of dimensions... Pleaser of crowds... I am... Dimentio
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Dimentio-the insane dimension shifting jester- is older than many might believe...his most recent defeat was not his first and will not be the end. In fact, a revelation concerning a world that Dimentio faintly remembers leads to an investigation and an attempt to reclaim a land once taken from him. (Unfortunately, due to there being only five character tags I couldn't tag Discord)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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interesting... continue
QUICK HES VISIBLE GET RAINBOW TO SMACK THAT FUCKER WITH THE BOOK OF DOOM
(As soon as rainbow sees him): LLLLEEEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOOYYYYYY JEEEEEEEENNNNNNKKKKIIINNNNNNSSSSSSS
he should use his schizophrenia to create alternate selfs to help combat dimentio
2515401 Hey man, he's not that crazy...yet.
Tho I've never played the game or watch vids of him I'll say base on his personality...this gonna be an awesome story if done right
2518264 The whole 'doing it right' thing is why I need prereaders and suggestions. But I'm definitely excited to be writing about one of my favorite video game characters.
img.mu.cdn.li/Ao/xqefEH.jpg
Ugh!!
2553630 Yes?
2553648 Why does it feel like Ive seen this before? oh yeah, thats right, I have multiple thought patterns.
2553738 Now I'm confused, is there something wrong (apart from the obvious) with the story?
2553780 Nah, its just that I can relate to John in the ,my mind just got ******, category. I deal with having two different thought patterns, or voices if you want to go loony bin on me, that constantly control me so this story just seems, I dont know, laid back I guess.
2553809 Quick question, would you like to help me out by being a prereader?
2553833 Sure!! But how?? If need email??
2553850 I could try and send them to you in messages. Unless they have some kind of character limit.
2553864 I wll comment on your page, I will give you contact info!! See ya there!
Made me laugh. Hard!!! It now captures the true villainy of dimentio and discords good but still crazy personality. Great job!!!
so far so good, a little more information about Dimentio would have helped ease new readers in but except for a few missing spaces after commas and an double enter, everything is fine, so far.
just the ooh yes, this would be interesting indeed. at the end should have been in quotation marks, since written like that means that the narrator is expressing its own opinion, something you didn't do for the rest of the text.
MLP, continuity wise so far it seemed to be placed sometime before the end of S3, since unicorn Twilight.
2624040 Ah about the unicorn thing...I forgot to go back and change that. It's actually post S3
"something." begin with uppercase letter means that the narrative part is happening after the words were spoken.
"something," begin with lowercase is used for things that are happening at the same time
"hey," adam said (AS he was) scratching his head,
also a few rogue enters mid sentence
you capitalised Unicorn for no reason, and now you said that Twilight is a winged unicorn, or an alicorn, whereas in the previous chapter you just called her an unicorn, either she transformed between chapters or you should see to that.
just an opinion you could have the change between john and D happen more gradual, with a little more description, in fact there seems to be a lack of descriptions going around.
"Meanwhile, back in John's mind" and "Back to the regular world" really cuts the flow of the story, the hr tag could be enough to state that this is another place/setting maybe you can used descriptions to set the new scene
you used a lot of their names during a conversation, even when they are the only two characters that could be talking.
also why capitalise F***?
"Oh F*** my life." i think should be writen as "Oh, f*** my life!" as if he was surprised by the situation, or if you keep it like so it sounds that he is king of 'meh,' about the whole situation.
first three chapters had their titles wrote again in the text area, either write it for all chapters or remove it from the previous ones
NEVER APOLOGISE TO YOUR READERS IN THE AUTHOR NOTES! IF YOU THINK A CHAPTERS IS CRAP REWRITE IT, EDIT IT, DON'T RELEASE IT, OR DO AND BE SILENT ABOUT IT!
also who threw the apples, if it was AJ then the lack of remorse for doing something like that seemed a little bit out of character, a simple sorry before she galloped off would have suficed
Within the Everfree Forest a few hours later. last time you used the hr tag before the naming the new settings, its better to be consistent.
also a few extra spaces here and there and some lack of capitalization at "omigosh"
Rabbit with a capital R for no reason
Rainbowdash / Rainbow Dash
Skipping the trip there NO. Just NO. Bad writer, bad
A short and awkwardly silent trip later and the group had already reached the library. or something similar can be used for skyping periods of time, or just
"character said something" as they entered the library after the trip.
hr
Meanwhile, wherever Dimentio was
hr
again different formatting
"So, you said that you would help me draw in a crowd...how do you plan on doing that exactly?"
should have been Trixie here, since only later in the chapter she is shown to change her speech pattern
also for whatever reason trixie did not seem to notice the word human
It seemed that this was the end of our story, Dimentio becoming a nice guy. Who would have thou-
again the narrator is talking directly to the reader
a few formatting issues, most lines are indented while others were not, some double and triple spacing
the rhymes are good, that is all I can say about this chapter
Meanwhile, in the depths of the Everfree
hr
just when I was about to congratulate you on finally choosing a format and sticking with it you forget a hr
aside from that, suddenly changelings, no built up, no foreshadowing just poof Crystalis,
Also just FYI the Alicorn Amulet corruption is gradual, it is not a switch, you don't just become evil when you put it on, you become evil after using it.
you can leave it like that, or with a simple correction, moving trixies lines after D reformed, under the pretext that Trixie used the amulet when D was gathering his strength.
Priceless!! Oh man,mjust imagining the look on johns face makes me smile!!
ChanglingLumin sent me ^^, Can't wait to read and it looks good.
2625522 Chapter 11 is currently the best one (on account of it being the first with an editor)
2625522 I was the one who helped edit this bro
2626613 "helped" Stop being modest. You did quite a bit of work here man.
2624083 "Unicorn" is a race, if I recall correctly. Therefore, it ought to be capitalized.
2516012That is an excellent thought.
2640167 human is a race and it is not capitalized,
also, just to be technical unicorn is a species pony is a race,
and nowhere in the story is unicorn, alicorn or pegasus capitalised
Meh, oh and sorry if I couldn't help, but my email is the worst place to try and contact me since I get about twenty or more messages a day, and there are over 200 in there right now.
2644282 It's alright, we'll get it next time.
2645370 kay, send me notice of it though please. I rarely check since its mostly junk from phoenix university.
2645556 Fair enough.
And so I appear to read your story like a sudden windstorm at a kindergarten picnic! This tale that I shall scour with my eyes shall be quite the fine one, yes!
2671183 I hope you enjoy it!
Uh, ponies don't know how to check for a pulse? Uh that's funny, because in (Read it and Weep) the scene where Dash is coming around in the hospital, you can clearly hear a heart monitor...also, the doctor's stethoscope?
Also, not a fan of magic fights. They kinda come off (to me) as, Watch as I overpower you! ...No Watch as I one up your best move! ...Oh, No!
Meh.
Is this going to stay?
Edit: Wait, sorry. didn't realize this wasn't really part of FimFiction.
My mistake
2684891 If I have anything to say about it.
2684913 Dun Dun Dun
2685119
2685368[youtube=HNw1RaM8RL4]